#exploring sexuality

[andreai04]

Maybe Big Swiss had something to teach her about living. About taking responsibility. About eradicating self-pity and perhaps replacing it with something productive.

[karrenseely]

Oh gods, not again.

I've been stuck in my head this week. A new epiphany rocked my world again. My hormones were adjusted recently. About a year ago... I think, I was started on a progesterone cycle. And very quickly I found myself having a desire to explore my body. The really significant dysphoria I was having around my hips, my shoulders, my voice. They didn't bother me as much as they had before. And then. Then I started to have some libido. That was weird and wonderful. My body did things for me I'd never experienced before. It was pleasurable and interesting, and I was feeling less and less like an imposter and more like the woman I am. I know I was also doing a lot of work in therapy as well. Working through the shame and conditioning I'd incorporated into myself that being a woman, being feminine was bad, liking anything girly was bad at best, perverted at worst. And I started to be a little more ok with myself. I wanted to explore the girly things and was finally allowing myself to do so. I even felt sexy sometimes, I think having never experienced those feelings before I'm still not sure if that's what that feeling is or not. I got back into make up, I learned how to paint my nails, I really started enjoying creating outfits and feeling like I was looking good. I was getting in touch with that feminine part of me that I had been suppressing because even though I had transitioned, parts of me were still convinced being feminine was bad, being feminine made me a pervert even though I was a woman. Yes, I know, there's a great deal of cognitive dissonance going on in my brain. And while I was doing these things at some point the little girl in me who'd been crying and along all her life had had enough of being shut away and forced me to let her out, and I got stuck in the past and had a severe bout of CPTSD/Depression putting me out of work for the last 4 months. But doing these things, was self care and when I was able to do them, it helped lift me up some.

I still know very little about hair care, I still for the life of me, have no idea how to do a good tight simple braid without it going off to one side at best, being really loose at worst. You know all the things that I should have learned growing up, that my sister got to learn because it was ok for her to be a girl for some reason and not me.

I love my sister, I don't blame her for choosing to side with my parents, she wasn't facing a choice of death or losing her entire family, she was just faced with losing a sibling or her entire family. Understandably she chose her entire family. I don't think they abused her, at least not the way they did me. She is my younger sister. But when my parents broke me and I just couldn't continue growing and got stuck around age 15, she started to be more like a big sister. I looked up to her. She was good at school, with really good grades, she was popular, she played in marching band, she had lots of friends. And I wished so much that I could be like her. I wanted to be close to her, but I was so terrified of anyone learning my secret and in my head in order to play that role forced on me, meant I was supposed to fight with her. And everytime I beat myself up over it, because I knew I'd destroyed another chance to be close. But I was so scared, and I was just trying to survive. And it hurt so much when she called me pervert for borrowing her clothes.

But despite that, she was an amazing sister. Despite my unpopularity, despite everyone sensing something wrong with me and at best avoiding me, at worst torturing me. She invited me to one of the highschool parties her friends had invited her to. It was a wonderful experience. I felt included. I felt like I'd been seen, but not in a bad way. And for a little while I forgot to be afraid that someone would figure out my secret.

Another time she invited me to go with her and her friends cliff diving at Canyon Lake. That was another wonderful memory, and for all the same reasons. During those excursions I felt like I hadn't completely ruined everything with my sister. That maybe she did care, that she did love me despite me being a pervert. They are good memories.

I don't know how I got on the subject of my sister... Oh that's right, she was in Marching Band and learned how to put her hair up in tight crowns of braids. I so wished it would be ok to ask her to teach me that. I wish I hadn't been so afraid of what my parents would do to me if I talked to her about what I was really going through that I actually did talk to her. I dunno, if I'd had the courage to do that, maybe I'd have had an amazing supportive sister. But maybe not. She was part of the church all through high school. And this church was the one that convinced my mom disowning me was what needed to happen, who convinced my mom that my being dead was better than my being trans. So no I probably wouldn't have had that kind of sister then. Still. I miss her and I love her and I don't blame her for what happened.

And I wish I could apologize to her for everything I did, for saying some of the things I did to her. Maybe I'll write a letter of what I wish I could say to her on here at some point.

anyway I went on a tangent. So yes, it's been a dark few months, but I've been exploring and having some fun with my feminine side. I've also been trying to reconnect with the trans community. So far I've not created a solid connection yet, but atleast I'm part of it on reddit, here, and fb, even though I don't really know anyone on there. It's nice to see how things are different and better for a lot of people compared to when I was kid, and it's hard to see that others in my community are suffering like I had to. But we're all on there, and because we are, we're not quite as alone as we used to be.

And so it's helped some, even though I wish I could make some irl trans friends. But at least I don't feel quite so isolated anymore. But the depression was bad, and I was still suicidal and the treatments hadn't started working yet, so my PCP suggested increasing my estrogen a little to see if that would help. And it did. I started to feel even more like myself. I had reduced it a long time ago because if the dose is too high I ended up with heart palpitations... but thankfully I haven't had issues with it this time around. I dunno, maybe it's because I'm also on progesterone as well now.

There is a part of me that is really angry at the medical establishment and the entrenched misogyny there. Angry that they decided that we only need half our hormones. That progesterone was completely unnecessary because it was only useful with pregnancy. Except that it does so much more than that, but the effects are subtle and... well... it was men that were designing the treatments at the beginning and that misogyny bleed through to later generations of doctors. But they robbed me of over two decades of feeling more comfortable in my body, of having a libido. So yes. I'm a bit chuffed with them.

So yes, about a month ago my estrogen was increased. And it helped my mood, and... apparently my libido. I found myself fantasizing about having sex. I'd never done that before, not ever, and certainly not in a pleasurable way. It was good. But also confusing. I felt like I was waking up from a decades long coma and the world had changed. It's only been in the last 7 years that I understood I was asexual. It's only been in the last year or two that I really began to explore what that meant to me. And it was a shock and confusing that I suddenly had interest in sex. What does this mean for my identity? Does it mean I'm not asexual anymore? And also a lot of anxiety because I suck at dating, I don't really know how to do it, or how to meet people in that way. I was pretty happy with the platonic relationship I had, though there were things I wish I could get myself to talk about, to hash out. And now I found myself wanting a physical relationship with someone.

Still trying to figure out how to find that irl. Then in the past 2 weeks something really really really confusing happened. I found myself fantasizing about a man, having a man love me, touch me, and hold me and have sex with me. And really wanting that. I've known a long time I had slight bi tendencies. But not once, not ever did it those tendencies involve a physical relationship... But here I am wanting one. And it's throwing me for a loop. And I find myself wondering if the assholes who thought trans women didn't need progesterone had robbed me of this too for all these years. And so I thought about finding a man to have a relationship with... and that's when I hit a brick wall. I am terrified of having a romantic/physical relationship with men. Absolutely terrified. And I have been for as long as I can remember, I just didn't understand what it was until now. I just avoided thinking about it. Because you know, trauma response. Something makes you uncomfortable avoid it if at all possible.

And I had no idea why. Except I think I know part of it. I have a good idea what men think of, want from, and how they talk about women. Seeing us as objects, not people with our own wants desires and needs. At best seeing us like children. I have seen so many of us killed by men who felt there masculinity was threatened by us because they didn't see us as women, but as men, and the trans men as women being uppity. I've heard what they say about us, because most of these men don't realize I'm trans and say it in my presence. And I remember Tyra Hunter who died while EMT's and Paramedics laughed at her instead of helping her. And then I remember all the times some random guy decided it was ok to sexually assault me.

I'd coped with that last part by believing that all women had been assaulted at some point in there lives... then a redditor said something that made me wonder if I was wrong, and then a reddit bot pointed me to resources when I wrote about those assaults. And then I talked to a DV advocate crisis line, because I was confused and hurting because I mean how could I have been assaulted so many times if it wasn't the normal level of misogyny all women faced? And if it's not normal then why did it happen to me? What more is wrong with me (yes on a rational level I know none of it is my fault but our brains are rarely truly rational). And the DV advocate told me. She told me that it wasn't normal. And suddenly I felt like I'd done something wrong. That I'd deserved what happened because I was an idiot.

And then I asked a reddit group of women if it was true. If it wasn't normal for women to be assaulted. And the first response I got was someone blaming me for what happened, rather than answering my question. And suddenly the little girl in me that has been in so much pain all along surged up and out. And I've been a mess since then and that happened two nights ago I think. But I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm feeling alone, confused, and really stupid. And part of me still has a hard time believing that advocate.

And just before all of this started happening in my head, just as we increased my estrogen, my counselor went on maternity leave, and I don't know who to talk to. And while I'm really happy for her, I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I've started looking for another counselor, but I won't get immediate help even if I saw them tomorrow, because I don't know them, because of my trauma history it is incredibly difficult for me to trust anyone, much less a counselor (my trauma history includes being traumatized by a counselor, a male one at that, which probably is a contributing factor to my fear of men) So yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Scared, lost, confused, hurting and parts of me also stuck in the memories images and/or feelings of the abuse I suffered growing up. It's not a good place to be.

The treatments are working though. I'm not suicidal during this past week, so I guess that's something? Maybe. But I find myself just wishing I'd gotten to grow up like a normal girl and that I didn't have to go through all of this. That so much time has been wasted dealing w/ this BS. And I hate it. I hate the universe for putting me and everyone in my community through this shit.

[dracomeir]

This is how Pico learns Boyfriend has more problems than his curse, and what he does to help him realize he’s more than just an incubus. (I consider the following 16+, but idk. If anyone thinks I should put the mature filter like some other posts on RD I've done, please tell me.)

Pico wondered why Boyfriend was cheerful and flirty all the time. It was like the past didn’t affect him at all, and he was somewhat jealous his companion could move on so quickly. After learning about the curse, he began to doubt the incubus had no problems of his own. That doubt turned into certainty after hearing a few off handed lines from him during cases.

“Sometimes those who smile often have the most to hide.”

“That guy didn't seem broken, but most people don’t look the part, so I might be wrong.”

“Surely there’s more to life than pleasing others like this.”

Whenever Boyfriend said things like this, Pico could see them applying to him easily. His friend smiled often, didn’t look broken, and always avoided pleasure as a topic the moment it involved him more than he wanted. The incubus didn’t made any effort to learn more about his curse either. It was like he gave up before even trying.

“Boyfriend, you asked me to trust you with my problems, so please do the same for me."

"Huh?"

"I'm a detective, BF. I can see there's something bothering you."

"I... Is it normal not wanting to do it anymore?"

"Ah. No wonder you always found an excuse to leave whenever someone approaches you with that kind of intent." He took a moment to think. "Is the concept of the ace spectrum not a thing in the underworld?"

"I never heard of that before."

"In that case, I recommend doing some research. It might help you move on from whatever is bothering you." He lit a cigarette. "And to answer your question, feeling that way is perfectly valid. Whatever you end deciding to do, I'll support you the whole way. Just like you've done for me so far."

For the first time in his life, Boyfriend felt seen. His life so far started to make sense once he learned about people who are demisexual. He would eventually talk about his past to Pico, and the ginger reminded him that he's also a saxophone player, an emotional support demon, and most importantly, an amazing companion. Those words caused the incubus to release his bottled up emotions. He was glad Pico was so understanding, and they made the decision to not do anything in bed until he was ready again.

[annabillerartappreciation]

[viviennes-tears]

A bit of mischief pool side (Tom Hiddleston, Chris Hemsworth and Tom Holland chapter 1/2)

18+ blog: It is YOUR responsibility, as a reader, to think about the content that you consume at your own discretion.

Prompt request by VampireQueen666: If I may be so bold I had a Tom x Tom x Chris story. The three are temporary living together while filming Endgame 1 The three of them are at the pool. Hem and Holland are splashing around and Hiddleston is reading a book in the shade. Feeling frisky Hem pulls off his bathing suit and then yanks off Hollands. As they are ruff housing Hem is teasing Hiddleston with Hollands body like biting and slapping Hollands ass, ticking him for example. Hiddleston then joins and all three fool around.

A/N: I added some little things throughout, but hopefully it doesn't disappoint x

~

Summary: Chris Hemsworth and Tom Holland get into some mischief by the pool side. Along with Chris' persistence and playfulness while running around with Holland whilst flaunting their assets, Tom Hiddleston's attention finally lands on them. Despite how much Hiddleston tries to put some distance between himself from the situation, he just can't control his own mischievous side, nor can he control his ergs as it turns out.

Warnings: Spanking, jealousy, friends with benefits, mentions of sexual content, exploring sexuality and nudity 

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Just before filming began for Avengers: End Game Chris Hemsworth invited his best friend Tom Hiddleston to come stay with him in a luxury villa, a place where he decided to rent for the duration of filming, instead of 'slumming it' in some hotel room for a change. At first Tom thought it would be a bit extravagant and he was even considering turning down Chris' invite. Usually though Tom and Chris would get together and rekindle the benefits part of their relationship. Benefits that first occurred during Thor: The Dark World. Of course the pair had gotten along since day one, but it wasn't until TDW when they drunkenly first explored and pushed the boundaries of their friendship. Neither regretted what they had done the next morning and from then on they continued this secret friendship with benefits for every Marvel movie they were in together. However when Tom Holland popped up from nowhere and he innocently showed interest in being Chris's roommate instead Hiddleston instantly became jealous. Holland also topped it off with his cheeky smile and his eyes sparkled with excitement. Clearly he'd been listening to their conversation the entire time and was willing to be Hiddleston's replacement. Albeit, Hiddleston's utterly jealousy along with his thoughts that were provoking that side of him too didn't help matters. He just didn't like the idea of them being alone together, especially not while this was usually when he himself and Chris got together, it was their alone time offset. In fact to make things more interesting or rather for Hiddleston to get his way, he challenged Holland to a race. The fastest runner would get to be Chris' roommate and the loser would have to stay in a hotel with everyone else. No doubt the challenge was intriguing to both Holland and Chris and with that being said the challenge was accepted.

The challenge wasn't without its rules though.

"Rule number one...no tripping up the other contender. Rule number two...the correct footwear must be worn and laces tied properly, because loose laces could also apply to rule number one. Rule number three....at the end the loser has to be gentlemanly about his defeat, but before that we're free to have a little banter." Hiddleston said firmly, but then he softened up when he mentioned that they could still banter before the race, despite his jealousy still very much present.

"Seems fair to me, you're on Hiddles." Holland said confidently. Both Toms then shook hands while Chris smiled from ear to ear and looked back and forth between them with childish glee.

Two days later as both Toms took their places at the starting line, they both glared at each other with assertiveness in themselves dripping from their pores, even before a single bead of sweat could be broken. They each teased the other and banter rolled freely off their tongues. Chris had to get them to settle down a little before he below the whistle and then both Toms began to run the full length of the track. One lap and the fastest to cross the line would be Chris' roommate.

They both were being cocky as they raced around the track, but they still obeyed the rules mind you. Naturally the competitive pair were practically neck and neck for most of the race, before Holland began to build up speed and was pushing on ahead. Hiddleston gasped and soon stepped up his own game. Yet both of their egos were heightened by Chris' energising cheers. Heavy breaths, tight muscles and adrenaline flooded the pair as they continued to close in on the finishing line. Neither wanting to give up, only the will to power through to the end. And as they both rounded the last corner for the final stretch, Chris' cries became louder and became their fuel to keep going, leading for Holland to once again pull ahead slightly. Before they knew it they were crossing the finishing line followed by the final whistle bellowing.

"Damn, that was one hell of a race mate!" Chris said, as he lent on Hiddleston's shoulder whilst he was trying to catch his breath. "Tom's toes touched the line first though." He gently broke the news.

Hiddleston nodded in understanding and finally closed the distance between himself and Holland. "Congratulations, Tom. Always knew you were the new and better TH." Hiddleston was a little breathless, but he was gracious in his defeat, after all that was one of his rules. Although Holland knew he would have been, if it was in the rules or not.

"Cheers mate..." they smiled and shook hands, "but you're the better TH." Holland replied breathlessly too, subsequently he brought Hiddleston into a manly hug with a pat on each other's back, although before they could pull apart Chris joined in with the hug.

"You know what...," both Toms shook their heads as they looked at Chris, "there's plenty of room in the villa and I want you both to be my roommates!" Chris said cheerfully, yet he could see Hiddleston's hesitation in his eyes, but he quickly recovered with a half smile.

The three of them ended up agreeing to temporarily live together for the duration of filming.

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It's been a month since Chris and both Toms have been living together temporarily whilst filming had begun. They'd been spending a large amount of time together both on and off set, especially once Hiddleston's hesitations and jealous side subsided somewhat over time. Not that Hiddleston allowed to indulge Chris in any way, shape or form. Things were stickily friendly between them, much to Chris' disappointment, as he hoped with him being there they would rekindle the benefits part as usual. Although it wouldn't stop him from stealing glances, stealing moments with Tom from across the table during lunch breaks, or from across the room back at the villa. Actually the only action he would be allowed occasionally and left wanting more. Of course Holland was blissfully unaware of what was happening around him, even when Chris and Hiddleston would show affection for him in the privacy of the villa. Yes affection, including from Hiddleston, who only a few days ago thought about Holland in such ways that weren't just friendly. Chris had caught on that Tom was starting to like Holland as much as he was.

However today Chris decided it would be different. He and both Toms had the day off and they were enjoying their spare timer by the villa's private pool. The sun was shining down on them, but it wasn't overly harsh raise either, but it certainly was hotter than London. Needless to say they had put on sunblock before they headed pool side. Hiddleston opted to lounge on one of the sunbathing chairs in the shade with a good book and he had a drink beside him. Meanwhile Chris and Holland hit the pool after throwing their towels onto the other sunbathing chairs. Chris grabbed the white ball that was floating around his side, so they could begin their game of volleyball, after all the net was still up from the previous game a couple of weeks ago

"YES! Another point for me!" Chris cheered with his arms raised triumphantly. It had been twenty-five minutes since they began their game.

"HA!" Holland boasted, as he pelted the ball past Chris during his moment of gloating.

"No fair, I wasn't ready!" Chris whined.

"Then pay attention, Chrissy!" Holland snickered as Chris fetched the ball, also causing Tom to pull his sunglasses down slightly, and he peered up from his book at them in the pool with one brow raised. He was in one of his moods, so it seemed.

"Oh it's on, Tommy my boy!" Chris replied, and he ended up serving up a storm and Hiddleston pushed his sunglasses back up then returned to reading.

Holland and Chris continued with their game. Laughing and tossing insults at each other which weren't taken to heart, as neither really meant any of it, it was just for the game. However throughout Chris couldn't help but feel Tom distancing himself again. After all he tried to persuade him to join him in bed, but Hiddleston flat out declined, claiming it wasn't the time with Holland being in such close quarters.

"How does it feel to lose?" Chris asked as he wrapped his arm around Holland's shoulders.

"You may have won this time, but I assure you I will win the rematch!" Holland smiled as Chris tousled his wet hair.

"Just you try." Chris replied.

They both then grabbed their towels and dried off a little, as Hiddleston took a sip of his drink and ignored them whilst they continued to talk about nonsense. Albeit, Hiddleston's quiet and reserved self was bothering Chris a lot the more time went on, therefore he had to take matters into his own hands. He wanted to get Hiddleston off of his chair and get him to come join them, get him to put last night's hesitations behind them with that thought in mind, he knew he had to come up with something very distracting...his lips curved up into a grin as an idea came to his mind. He quickly abandoned his towel on the chair it was on earlier and processed to yank down his swimming knee length shorts. Holland paused with his towel fisted in his wet hair, as he confusingly looked over at Chris's face as it lit up, once he was back to his full height again. However before he could form a single word Chris suddenly came up close and pulled his swimming shorts down too. Holland's jaw slackened as he was unsure if he should indulge in the antics or be embarrassed by his now naked appearance. Not that he had much time to really think things through as Chris stole his towel and ran it through his fingers. Chris also noticed Hiddleston hadn't moved an inch, yet. It wasn't distracting enough...unexpectedly Chris whipped Holland's ass with his towel that was still in his possession. Holland yelped and covered up his ass with both hands, causing Hiddleston's brows to frown, but with his eyes still fixed on his current page.

"You're going to pay for that!" Holland declared as he recovered quickly. He soon grabbed Chris's towel and chased after him onto the grass.

The pair of them were laughing and running around naked on the grass, which began to stain the soles of their wet feet, and their wet swept back hair drying a little whilst they ran. Holland clearly forgone his shyness as he ran freely about. Hiddleston had overheard their laughter and briefly watched them running around, until he caught himself biting his lower lip, and internally cursed himself for enjoying the frolicking display as jealousy reared its ugly head again.

Once the chase was over both Chris and Holland breathing heavily, as they wrapped their arms around each other, and they headed back towards the chairs. As they walked back Chris could see Hiddleston was still reading, although he didn't know that he was actually pretending to still be reading. Chris realised his plan had failed, on the other hand he didn't want to give up, at least not without a fight. After they walked back Holland dropped down onto the towel on his chair, his head facing Hiddleston with his eyes closed as he tried to calm his breathing, albeit it was a bit restricted from the way he lay on his front. Also his ass was on full display and it was venerable. Suddenly another idea popped into Chris' head. He quietly snuck down onto his knees beside Holland and peered over at Hiddleston reading, before he took a deep breath and took his eyes off him, closing them as his teeth snack into Holland's asscheek. Holland jolted up from the sudden bite and his cheeks began to redden.

Chris' eyes swiftly looked back and forth from Holland's eyes and his lips before he gulped hard as he stood up. Holland's eyes followed Chris' face as he stood, daring not to look down. After a moment of the two of them staring at each other Holland somehow managed to find a new release of confidence and stood up too. Chris however slowly backed away with his hands held up in surrender, and Holland followed him, right until Chris was standing at the edge of the pool.

"Come on mate...you wouldn't dare?" Chris chuckled nervously and saw Hiddleston over Holland's shoulder, it appeared that he'd finally put his book down. "Gotcha!" Chris thought, temporarily distracted long enough for Holland to push him into the pool with all his might.

As Chris fell backwards into the pool Holland jumped in after him. Both of them made a big splash, which got really close to where Tom was now sitting up straight on his chair, but the water didn't quite reach him. Once Chris and Holland resurfaced they began splashing each other and laughing. Occasionally they playfully messed around under the water, grabbing each other's ankles to pull the other under too, whilst Hiddleston was watching on from the sidelines. No matter how much Hiddleston had been resisting the temptation of joining them, he came to realise his playful side wasn't going to allow it to go on.

To their utter surprise Hiddleston decided to dive into the pool and he swam up to them. Holland stood in between Chris and Hiddleston unsure of what to do next. Although Chris took charge once more as he wrapped one arm around Holland's waist, pulling him closer so they were back to chest, Hiddleston not making any other move at the moment. In fact he looked on at them with darkened eyes for a beat, before he finally reached under the water to remove his own swimming shorts, then allowed them to float around and uncaring where they floated off to. Holland suddenly felt Chris' lips on his neck and gasped at the feeling of them being there. His eyes closed willingly as he allowed Chris to continue kissing his neck and faintly he heard Hiddleston growl lowly. However the kissing on his neck didn't last long as Chris' fingers twitched and Holland soon began to laugh as he was being tickled. The tickle attack increased as Hiddleston started to tickle him too, the more tickles he received the further he snuck down into the water, thankfully it stopped before he could choke on the chlorinated water.

Next thing Holland knew was Hiddleston grabbed Chris by his wrist and dragged him closer to him. Hiddleston's jealousy needed to be extinguished. The two of them stared at each other with hooded eyes before Hiddleston's lips crashed against Chris' and they got caught up in the moment. The kiss deepening and Hiddleston's fist grabbing hold of Chris' hair as Holland watched, he also started feeling a little funny below the belt as he watched, and he wasn't sure what was happening to him. Chris pulled away from Hiddleston first when the sound of Holland swimming made his ears prick up. Holland swam all the way to the side of the pool and then pulled himself up, before he turned around to look back at Chris and Tom, sure enough they were looking right back at him. Holland bit his lip nervously as his hands cupped his manhood and water dripped off his naked body forming a puddle around him. It felt like a small eternity as he stood there trying to fathom what just happened. One minute he was playing volleyball and then things kept on happening to him, he was strangely caught up in the middle of something, something which he couldn't wrap his head around.

"Chris...we erm...er...we should tell him." Hiddleston stuttered and Chris nodded in agreement.

Tom and Chris quickly swam over to Holland and got out of the pool. They took it upon themselves to gently guide Holland over to the sunbathing chairs, and they wrapped a big towel around him, covering him entirely to make him feel more comfortable. Then they themselves wrapped towels around their waists and sat down on either side of Holland.

"Tom...see the thing is mate...Hid-Hiddles and I we..." Chris gives Hiddleston puppy dog eyes as a way of asking him for help with explaining.

"What Chris is trying to say is...well for a while now we've been you know?" Hiddleston gestured to himself and then to Chris and added, "usually during filming. What you don't know is I-I got a little jealous when you offered to be Chris' roommate, but then after the race when he suggested we both be his roommates...I was hesitant..."

"Yeah, he wouldn't come over to see me alone because of you. No offense." Chris said.

"As the days turned into weeks I became less jealous of you until now. That display was exactly what I kept thinking about, the two of you without me...although we've both suspected that maybe you...you..." Hiddleston said softly and gently squeezed Holland's knee, causing him to shudder between them. Holland knew exactly what Tom was implying and the fact his body was reacting strangely caused conflict with his mind. He couldn't even look at either of them.

Chris decided to take a chance in the next moment. He hooked two of his fingers under Holland's chin and gently turned his head towards him. Holland's breath was uneven and his eyes slowly raised to meet Chris' also his bottom lip quivered under his stare. As Chris lent in with closed eyes Holland froze as their lips touched. It wasn't until he felt Hiddleston's hand move away from his knee then felt it pull the towel slightly, his shoulder being exposed to the air, before Hiddleston's lips softly kissed his shoulder repeatedly. Chris kissed Holland's lips with short and velvety like just as Hiddleston's lips moved up to the side of his neck. Holland slowly began to melt in their hands despite him still feeling unsure about his own feelings about everything.

"You must have a lot of questions." Chris eventually said, as himself and Hiddleston pulled away from Holland, to which he shyly nodded in agreement.

"We'll try answering them the best way we can." Hiddleston said as he brushed Holland's hair back with his fingers.

His words seemed like a promise to Holland also both Hiddleston and Chris didn't treat him any differently after what had transpired between the three of them. Actually the rest of the day felt like any other day and eventually Holland sat with them and asked his questions.

Tom Hiddleston Masterlist

Source: @viviennes-tears​

[womenusingwords]

See You Next Month

The details… Title: See You Next Month Author: Jamey Moody Independent Author and Publisher  Publication date: May 10, 2024 Edited by: Kat Jackson Available formats: ebook, paperback  File size: 465.3KB Length: 353 pages Genre: contemporary romance  Themes: women loving women, self-discovery, family, motherhood, hope, friendship, falling in love, bisexuality, exploring sexuality,…

[karrenseely]

Wait... I'm what?!

Sexuality is confusing as all get out to a trans kid. When I was a teenage girl and everyone insisted I was a teenage boy, I was extremely confused about my sexuality. Partly this is because I believed the gaslighting telling me I was a boy w/ shameful perverted thoughts. But also because part of me knew I was a girl. I was attracted to girls at the time, I think. However, this brings up the other issue, not having experienced attraction before, I couldn't tell if I was interested in other girls because I wanted a relationship or if I just really wished I was them. A quintessential trans issue.

I didn't have much interest in boys, though I did have fantasies about one of my friends, and even dreamed I was in a relationship with him. It was very confusing, I wasn't sure at first if it meant I was gay or straight if I was into a boy, and all these girls.

Later as I understood more thoroughly I was a girl, I realized, if I was going to have a relationship with a girl then it meant I would be a lesbian. This was also used to shame me, as something bad or perverted by my first therapist, adding to the confusion and self hatred. I really didn't know what was going on.

Now add to this, that I was asexual, I didn't even know that was a thing at the time. So all my fantasies? None of them involved sex, at all. I would think someone was pretty, or handsome. I had crushes on male movie stars at the time, Patrick Swayze, and Tom Cruise come to mind (I thought of them as safe, as I was never going to meet them). But again no sexual fantasies. My friends, who were all male (because I was terrified if I had female friends people would figure out my horrible secret of being a girl) would talk about sex a lot. I mean a lot. As would others at school. I never understood why. But having already been pretending to be a boy for years, I would respond with sexual innuendos and desires when I was queried about it and who I'd like to have a relationship with.

And because sex wasn't important to me, I only thought about it seriously in relation to me now and then. And after continuing to find it confusing, would decide I can try to figure that out better after transition. So I would just put it off. However, because I needed to continue to pretend to be a boy, at some point it was expected that I would have a girlfriend, so either a girl asked me or asked her, I don't remember which, probably the former, and I started dating her.

Ironically, this was part of the best year of my k-12 school life. With dating her, I had a group of friends I could hang out with, and I did actually have some fun that year, despite all the internal pain/dysphoria. One of the girls in the group though, could tell I didn't love my girlfriend that way, I suspect so did my girlfriend. And that person asked me if I loved her. I said no. To this day, I wish I'd said no, not in the way you mean. Because I cared about my girlfriend, but not romantically or sexually. And all through this I hated being in a relationship. I didn't specifically hate her, as noted above I cared for her. No I hated it, because I felt like I was the worst kind of liar. I was a girl, and everyone saw me as a boy. I was terrified of being discovered, but at the same time I hated the lying. It tore me up.

Transphobes never get it. They think we're lying after we transition, but to those of us who are trans, it feels like we're constantly lying before we come out, much less transition, as we try to pretend to be what everyone wants us to be. A lot of the transphobes arguments are like that. I think it's because they see us as our assigned birth sex, rather than the gender we've always been. But I digress.

So yes, I remained thoroughly confused about my sexuality. After I started living full time as myself, I explored dating, first with a boy. He was amazing, and very sweet. I met him on the bus. He asked me out and I said yes. We went on a few dates. But I never felt anything for him, and so it fizzled. I never kissed him, and he never asked or insisted. Like I said, he was very sweet. Whomever he ended up with is a very lucky girl. But given I had no feelings for him, and struggled with the idea of kissing him. I came to the conclusion I wasn't straight. And if I wasn't straight, then that meant I was a lesbian. And I came to terms with it and it became part of my identity.

However, I still didn't understand everyone's obsession with sex. The whole thing was a mystery. Through this time in college, I would develop crushes on my friends, as I got to know them. Which was painful, because only one seemed interested back, thankfully in a platonic way. I had trouble developing romantic feelings for anyone that I wasn't already friends with. This added to my distress around romance/sex because all my friends were dating left and right and having relationships with people they didn't know before and obviously had feelings for them. And I didn't work that way, and it sucked. I never did figure out how to navigate that side of things. Though at least now, I'm aware of it and why. I don't feel quite like the freak I did before I understood this part of me a little better.

Ironically, long before I understood what asexuality was, I realized I was not going to be able to satisfy my future partner's sexual needs, and if I loved them then they would need those needs met. And thus explored polyamory. I had trouble with the concept, until one day I realized that love is not pie, there isn't a limit for myself or my partners. Also how we love each individual feels different from every other individual. As such, we aren't replacing anyone by loving more than one person. This and realizing it is about trust and communication brought me into polyamory with a feeling of being comfortable with it.

Several times I found myself in very close friendships, and they were good, but I was convinced that these friends didn't love me, because they didn't want to have sex or a physical relationship with me. Not that I wanted to have sex, but as I understood it, romantic relationships had to have sex/physical relationship. And so I yearned, even though these relationships were pretty much what I needed. I'd never heard of asexuality, much less had it modeled for me.

In fact the first truly unconditionally loving relationship that was modeled for me and I was able to understand the message (others had been modeled for me, but I couldn't hear the message) was in my 30's in med school, by a friend who was in a wonderful loving relationship with the man she loved, and who loved her just as deeply.

That was the first hint to me, that thinking relationships were only real if they involved physical/sexual contact was wrong. But I still didn't quite understand what I was seeing. Their relationship was forced to be long distance by world circumstances for most of that year. But their love for each other was obvious, as was the fact that they wanted each other to be happy. But in watching them, I knew that was the kind of love I wanted to have.

Eventually, I did hear the term asexuality, but didn't really look into it. And for some odd inexplicable reason, didn't think it applied to me. It wasn't until I saw Laci Green's video on asexuality awareness, that it finally clicked. I was in my early 40's by then. And it clicked hard. Suddenly I understood that all those super close friendships I'd had in the past were actually relationships, and why it always felt like a break up when they ended. Because it was. I felt very sad, that I didn't understand these were my partner relationships at the time.

Despite that, I still get confused about my relationship now. Because I still have a hard time talking about it. Only in the past year have I started to explore the gradations of asexuality, and trying to understand where I fit on the spectrum and how that applies to my past and current relationships. And I've learned a few things.

I am not interested in sex, which I already knew, but I do want and need some contact, mostly this involves casual touching in a nonsexual way and hugs. Cuddling or a chaste kiss at most. And that's generally all that my fantasies consist of. However, I have also started exploring my body, working past the shame of my religious upbringing, and found I do like to masturbate. Though I don't have a strong need for it. But it does feel nice, and it's cool, if really late, that I've discovered that and that it's ok for an asexual person to like it, even though I'm not interested in sex with anyone.

It's been a long hard slow journey in figuring this out. I suspect it was made harder by my puritan/baptist upbringing and the associated shame and self hatred around sex. in the last few months, I've begun to wonder if part of my aversion to men, is that I'm scared of them. I don't really know why. But yes, there is a part of me that is scared of men. And so, trying to figure things out continues for me. And hopefully, I'll figure this aspect out and how it applies to my sexuality in time as well, hopefully it won't be decades from now.

So yes, when your assigned sex and gender don't match there is going to be a lot of confusion, if you're one of the much less talked about or even acknowledged sexualities, then it's going to be even more confusing. It's hard to know what you are if you don't know such a thing is possible. This was true for being trans, I thought I was alone and their were no words for what I was, until I learned about transgender people. And the same holds true for sexuality. Life is weird and confusing, and it's made harder when we don't, as a society, talk about all the ways it presents in a positive and affirming way.

[salemsexperiencewitharomanticism]

when i was in the 5th grade i felt so compelled to be in love that i convinced myself i liked a girl i was friends with. i told her and when she rejected me i felt sick to my stomach, i was lovesick.

i now realize that sickness to my stomach was probably me being disgusted by the thought of me being in a romantic relationship in the back of my mind

me and that girl still talk

we are still friends

dont dread exploring your sexuality

[starry-eyed-blue]

You've been so good little one. Daddy brought you a friend to play with.

[livinginadumpster]

The way Dead Boy Detectives handles queerness and labeling of sexuality is honestly so refreshing. The way it's handled makes is very obvious that it's not the kind of media in which characters are assumed straight until proven otherwise; the characters' sexualities are left undefined because the focus isn't on specific labels, it's on the relationships between characters.

As the show goes on, it becomes abundantly clear that the characters' sexualities are a non-factor. Sure, Jenny dates women, but a label is never put on that. Same with Edwin - he is clearly interested in men, but not once in the show is he labeled as gay. It's not necessary in either case; labeling these characters wouldn't add anything to their stories or character arcs. The show is completely relaxed about labels because they're almost never a part of or even relevant to the plot.

And so, in a show that is so utterly unconcerned with labels, it would also be exceeding strange to impose the label of "straight" on any character. Characters like Charles and Crystal, who clearly demonstrate attraction to the opposite gender, don't come across as strictly heterosexual, they come across as people experiencing human emotions. And a character like Niko, who never expresses romantic attraction to anyone, really can't be assumed heterosexual either, because it simply wouldn't be in line with what we know about her.

Heterosexuality never comes across as the default in this universe. It never seemed as if the writers automatically assumed any character, no matter how background, to be straight. Queerness is explored not as a defiance of the norm but as just another way of loving someone. In a world where being queer is always viewed as alternate or deviant, and where coming out is a lifelong process that begins again every time you meet someone new because you're always assumed cishet, this kind of complete abolishment of heteronormativity is a breath of fresh air. Seeing queerness handled in such a casual way onscreen honestly feels a little bit revolutionary.

[yannaryartside]

I hope we as a fandom, can collectibly agree in one thing about Sydney that was no previously established or hinted in previous seasons:

My girl has GAME

I don't want to hear anything contrary because she was described as awkward in many interactions, but it was mostly in situations when she had to take power when she was insecure about it. The situation with Marcus caught her by surprise, not to mention how incredibly uncomfortableit was.

But here she was just asking questions to peers and later with her typical mannerisms she maintained a pretty personal conversation with Luca. They clicked and it was kinda first sight.

Like, she has this blonde, tall, muscle ass British man giggling and kicking his feet after two conversations. The power this woman holds.

[curioussensualpenguin]

(GIF not mine)

This gif reminds me of what I am desiring. I just want a woman (or man) whose kind, looks invitingly comfy, and would be up for big hugs, cuddling, and tickling me.

[womenusingwords]

Cat Sloan is Swirling

The details… Title: Cat Sloan is Swirling Author: Jamey Moody Independent Author and Publisher Publication date: January 22,2024 ISBN: BOCSK8XF3X Available formats: ebook, paperback File size: 1426 KB Print length: 314 pages Genre: contemporary romance Themes: women loving women, self-discovery, family, sisterhood, bookstores, hope, friendship, falling in love, bisexuality, exploring…

[hairmetal666]

NSFW; Modern AU

Eddie feels like the luckiest man alive, that he gets to count Steve Harrington and Robin Buckley as his best friends, but he wasn't sure about it at first. No matter how often his new little sheepies praised Steve, Eddie remembered high school. He remembered the Steve that was a grade-A, top-choice asshole. But then--Robin comes out to him. And Steve knows. Steve knows and he's cool about it. So, Eddie comes out to them and Steve is cool about that too.

It fucks Eddie up a little, if he's being honest. Like, Steve, objectively, is hot, but Eddie's only ever been superficially attracted to him. He thinks the whole jock archetype just doesn't do a lot for him. Too much negativity attached to their whole thing. But he'd be lying if he said part of him isn't intrigued.

He doesn't develop a crush on Steve, though. Somehow, through all the charm and bitchiness and not-so-secret kindness, his heart remains unmoved. It must be the jock thing.

And then he's scrolling on Twitter. He's scrolling on Twitter and he's not looking for porn, not even in a "Oh no, I never look at porn on the internet" way, and there's this video.

The first thing he sees is the lowered waist band of a pair of 90's-style basketball shorts, Pacers logo just visible. Then it's the long fingers, the broad hands. They're skimming down a tanned, toned torso, not a six-pack but it's somehow sexier this way. Their path draws Eddie's eyes to the dot of moles, the spread of freckles. They're so kissable, Eddie's mouth waters. Those fingers, they linger against the trimmed thatch of dark hair just peaking out over the elastic, before pulling that waistband lower.

Eddie's hard. Rock hard. Fuck, he's so hard a wind gust could make him come.

The guy on screen, he's got his gorgeous dick in hand, giving himself slow strokes and thumbing at the tip to collect the obvious slickness beading there.

It's not really a decision when Eddie unzips and shoves his jeans just low enough to take himself in hand. On screen, the hand speeds up, the stomach shivering, breath coming in soft bursts, somehow almost more intoxicating than the jerking off.

Eddie times his strokes with the video, coming apart faster than he ever has watching porn. He can tell the guy is close, his grip goes tighter, his breath shorter. Eddie's about to go off like a fucking rocket.

The hand stills, the guy's cock fucking quivers, and he's ready for the money shot, will totally come at the same time, except--it doesn't happen.

The screen goes black.

Eddie comes all over himself.

"Fuck, shit, goddamnit," he hisses. He flails around trying to find something to clean himself up with and pause the video so he can read the fucking text.

As wiped up as he can be without showering, Eddie runs the video back a few seconds to see the words, "want the full experience? Subscribe to my OnlyFans."

He's never clicked a link so fast in his life. He's never really explored OnlyFans before, but he signs up for the free trial without a second thought.

The guy's username is KingJock016 and under usual circumstances, Eddie would be disgusted, but it's too late for that. He's already scrolling through thumbnails of hands and dicks and asses and butt plugs and dildos, pausing briefly at a preview of one where KingJock is bent at the waist, perfect ass--dotted with freckles-- framed by the bands of a jock strap. He's deliciously hairy, deliciously ripe, and Eddie is firming up again.

Without fully meaning to, he hits play, and the video starts with KingJock already rocking his cock into his fist. He's moaning in this one, full throated, almost desperate. And there's something about it, something that catches in Eddie's brain, but he can't focus on that when he's watching KingJock trace a finger around his own asshole.

It's insane that Eddie is this far gone without seeing the guy's face, that his toes are curling at the mere sight of KingJock fucking himself. The sounds are obscene, the slick and snap of skin on skin, the throaty moans, the creak of the bed as KingJock rocks into his fist and back onto his fingers.

Eddie's not even touching himself, and he's already standing at complete attention, a heady ache already starting in his balls.

And then KingJock flips his head back, revealing a shock of chestnut hair, the taut lines of a mole-kissed throat, the hard line of a jaw. One eye flashes open, looks directly at the camera, at Eddie.

It's fucking Steve Harrington.

Eddie comes all over himself again.

It's Steve. His best friend, Steve. His straight best friend. Making content clearly targeted for queer men? I mean, Eddie can't fault him. Like, nice work if you can get it, but Steve???

He hasn't done anything to clean up because his thoughts are spiraling too hard. How long has this been going on? Does Robin know? Should Eddie subscribe ? Leave a comment about how this video made him come untouched? Join a live? No, no, of course not. Steve was his real life friend. He couldn't hang out with him and then watch him fuck himself on a wall-mounted dildo.

He hits subscribe though. He'll hate himself for it later. It's only for the trial period, anyway.

He wipes himself off, but the come is already drying, sticky, against his skin and in his body hair. He needs a shower. He needs to practice being normal around Steve now that he--

Shit, Steve. They're going to the movies tonight. Steve's supposed to pick him up in, shit, fuck twenty minutes.

Eddie hurls himself into the shower, moves so quickly he doesn't really have time to think about Steve having an OnlyFans, about how hard he got off to his friend, about how he keeps having flashes of Steve's perfect body play through his head.

It's hard to ignore it when Steve is standing at his door in his form hugging jeans and little t-shirt and Eddie's done for, a dead man; here lies Eddie Munson. He's just standing in the doorway, smiling at Steve and he knows it's manic, but he can't slip it.

"Are you okay?" Steve asks. Eddie hears the words but all it does is remind him of KingJock's breathy moans.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He keeps smiling.

Steve's eyes narrow. He leans into Eddie's space. "Did you drop acid again? We told you not to do it alo--"

"I didn't! Nothing's wrong."

"Your face is all flushed. You feeling okay? You could have a fever."

Before Eddie can react, Steve's resting the back of his hand on his forehead. Eddie flinches, swatting Steve away, which devolves into a brief slap fight.

"I don't have a fever, man. I'm fine. Hot shower, is all."

"If you say so. Ready to get going?"

Eddie nods. He can totally do this. He can pretend he doesn't know about the OnlyFans and the face Steve makes when he's about to come.

The drive is quiet. Too quiet. He thinks his bones are trying to rip through his skin.

He starts talking, isn't even tracking what he's saying. Dnd and then suddenly it's hobbits and then Star Trek for reasons even he doesn't comprehend. He glances over at Steve, and he's burnished golden from the light of the setting sun. He's so beautiful. How did Eddie miss it all this time? Why did he--

"Get any new subscribers lately?" He hears come out of his mouth.

Steve slams on the breaks, sending Eddie careening into he dashboard.

"Jesus Christ, what the fuck," Eddie shrieks. The car behind them lays on the horn, then speeds past when it's clear they aren't moving.

"Why are you saying what the fuck at me?" Steve hisses back. He hits the gas, pulling the car to the side of the road. "Eddie--what the fuck?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he chants. He hides his head in his hands. "I didn't mean to--I'm so fucking sorry."

"How'd you find it?"

Eddie snorts. "One of your videos showed up on my TL. That's the algorithm for you."

"Jesus christ," Steve mutters. "You weren't supposed to--it's--"

"What are you even doing, man?"

"My Family Video salary won't cut it, if we're moving to Indy."

"You're not even gay."

Steve mumbles something, but he's looking out the window and not at Eddie at all.

"What was that?"

"Maybe I am!" Steve doesn't shout, but it's forceful.

Eddie's mouth drops. "Does Robin know?"

Steve stares forward, hands tightening on the wheel.

"And you didn't tell me?" It hurts, he's surprised how much, so much it takes his breath.

"It wasn't like that, Ed."

"Oh, no? Then what was it like?"

"It doesn't matter."

"The fuck it doesn't! I'm the first person you should've come to! I know exactly what it's like."

"No, you don't." Steve explodes. "You don't because you made me realize. And I couldn't talk to you about it because I like you. And, yeah, maybe starting an OnlyFans as part of my gay awakening is weird to you, but it's done a lot for me, okay?"

Steve said a lot of stuff just there, a lot of important things, but Eddie's glitched out on one part. "You like...me?"

"Yeah, like. Have you met you?" Steve slumps in his seat, like he's defeated. "You're fucking beautiful, dude. And smart and funny and passionate. Nerdy as hell. I didn't stand a chance."

"But I'm--" Eddie shakes his head. "I mean, look at me."

"I have." Steve nods. "A lot. I really like what I see."

"When I realized it was you in those videos, I came all over myself. Untouched," Eddie blurts. He flushes deep crimson immediately. "Oh my god, I can't believe I just--"

Steve is laughing, hands pressed over his mouth.

"Shut up, shut up," Eddie swipes at him. "It's not funny, oh my god."

When Steve gets it together, he finally looks at Eddie, and there's pink in his cheeks and a shine to his eyes. "That might be the most gratifying thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Yeah, well. It was humiliating."

"It's hot, Eddie."

His blush hasn't cooled even a bit. "Yeah?" His voice comes out deep, husky.

"I wouldn't mind, uh--that is, if it's cool with you--seeing it for myself?"

Eddie giggles. "You wanna make me come untouched, sweetheart?"

Steve shifts in his seat. "I'd really like that. Will you let me?"

"Uh-huh, absolutely, definitely. If you don't put this car in drive and get us back to my place, I'm going to literally die."

Steve laughs again, a bright, free thing, and he swings back onto the road. "Not yet, you aren't."

That sends a shock of pleasant shivers down Eddie's spine, right to his dick.

"Maybe we can even make a video together sometime."

Eddie, much to his deep embarrassment, whines, hips shifting with the sudden need for relief. "Oh, you didn't want me to die before because this is how you're planning on killing me."

Steve turns to him, a smirk on his lips and a devilish glint in his eye. "You have no idea what I'm going to do to you."

[epiphainie]

this post is only for the select few but sometimes i think about bucktommy going to a gay club and buck dancing and making out with other guys while tommy watches them and he's totally absolutely completely turned on by the fact that he's being watched while tommy's turned on by the knowledge that at the end of the night - at the end of every night - he's the one who buck will go home with anyway

[sualne]

kiss you in aroace, and we're both boys.