planneador

[silversoulstardust]

going through email deleting spree because gmail is being annoying and keep reminding me my inbox is 90% full but i stumbled upon countless back and forth emails between me and another tumblr mutual all the way back in 2014 and now im stumped and i dont know if i should just erase these last traces of our communication or keep it for the sake of memories and maybe read through to remember the exact details of what caused us to drift apart

[stayevildarling]

Natasha Romanoff x Reader- Always

A/N: got this idea based off a tiktok I watched last night. Basically very slow burn kinda love and Natasha being a bit of a stubborn meanie at the start.

Prompt: After a breakup, Natasha is even more miserable than usually, letting her anger out on everyone around her including you. What happens when you finally tell her how you have been feeling for years?

tags/tw: cursing, angst, meany nat, mention of violence, mention of blood, mention of gunshot, slight mention of smut at the end, mention of alcohol

word count: 4.5k

taglist:

@lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward, @lanawinters-ily, @kenzbro, @minaslittleone, @httpfiftyshadesofgay, @whitelotus00, @ninaahs, @vintagepaulson, @isle-of-earle, @paulsonsratched, @lucyintheskywithxanax, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @fanfics4world, @mymiraclewitch, @hazard-to-myself, @awritersometime, @ohrwurm26, @wastdstime, @p1pecleanerwitheyes

Thunder cracks through the sky loudly, lightening striking seconds later, as you make your way towards the gym, ready for another day at the Avengers compound. From afar you can already hear the grunting of some of your fellow team members and you can't help but smirk, assuming Natasha was beating their asses just like she usually would, whenever training the recruits or one of the OG Avengers as you called them would get on her nerves and provoke her, only in order to land on the floor seconds later, underestimating the Black Widow as always.

,,Back off Romanoff'' one of the recruits yells, catching your attention as you walk inside, watching the tight grip the redhead has on him, causing him to squirm and try to wiggle in order to escape her grasp.

Your eyes narrow, seeing her in her black uniform, her red hair flowing freely despite the braids. And you instantly feel the shift from her usual demeanour, that she seemed much colder today, much fiercer and more ruthless. Natasha was certainly badass, moody even, sometimes reminding you of an angry teenager. But having known her for years, long before the Avengers and everything that followed after, you knew how caring she truly was, how she would never hurt anyone intentionally other than if they deserved it. How she was the most loyal one on the team, willing to take her last breath for any of you at any given moment. How she always looked out for the team on missions, always putting them first and herself second.

And truth to be told, Natasha had been irritated lately, snapping more often, lashing out, her patience wearing thinner than usual. You had tried a few times to break through to her, given your friendship and how long you had known each other but she never faltered. Hearing from some of the guys her relationship wasn't going too well but never prying, wanting her to come to you whenever she was ready.

,,Give him a break Nat'' you chuckle, watching the younger recruit struggle still and the others watching both in awe and terrified at the same time, worrying they may be next.

,,What? you want a go?'' she questions, gesturing her head towards you and you can't help but shrug your shoulders, the invitation sounding tempting.

,,Sure go ahead Romanoff'' you tease, the young recruit finally escaping her and curling up behind some of the others. With a proud smirk, you approach her where she is standing, catching a glimpse of her green eyes and seeing both the anger and sadness in them, worrying what had happened, what had upset her in this way.

Before you can even react, her fists lands on your cheek, causing your jaw to throb and you know you should have seen that one coming, considering everything. You successfully dodge the next one, catching her leg with your hand that came flying towards you. It was a battle neither of you could win, the two of you growing up in the Red Room together, each of you made into their own spy and assassin. The same strength, the same tactics, the same mental willpower and capability to endure even the greatest of pains and torture.

Yet, Natasha was a little stronger always, her having taught you as soon as she joined SHIELD and eventually the Avengers, bringing you along as she knew you could be beneficial. ,,What's going on?'' you whisper as you lean in a little but before she responds, her right hook hits you again, causing you to see stars for a minute. Her arm quickly wraps around your neck, before she has you flying to the floor, the recruits watching both in anticipation and shock. ,,Class dismissed for today'' you manage to somehow mutter out and before Natasha can object, they are quick to leave, figuring Miss Romanoff was in no mood today, especially not either of them pissing her off the way they usually would.

It takes a minute for you to catch your breath and despite often training with Natasha and showing the recruits your skills, you had a hard time hurting her, knowing she got beaten up on missions plenty but not wanting her to ever hurt or be in pain. And so you always took it gentle, making sure to put on a show of course but never hurting her. And Nat had always been the same, barely ever hurting you in the process of this but today she was ruthless, not even herself, much more the Black Widow than her usual self, the sunshine with the brightest smile behind the mask of a badass assassin and Avenger.

,,Tasha what the fuck'' you plead, your eyes meeting her as you try to stabilise on your now shaky legs. ,,What's wrong?'' you try again but she ignores you, so lost in her thoughts that she hits you yet again and you wonder whether she was so lost in her thoughts right now, she may genuinely see you as an enemy or even a punching bag at the gym. In a swift motion you manage to send her to the floor this time, quickly stepping away and out of the ring before she could charge at you again. ,,Hey.. calm down'' you try again, throwing her a bottle of water that she catches as soon as she stands on her feet again. ,,What is going on with you?'' you try again, now actually worrying about her as you hadn't seen her like this before other than in the Red Room.

,,I'm fine Y/N'' she mutters before charging past you, ignoring your presence, the bleeding of your nose and the bruises that would surely form soon. You can't help but roll your eyes at her antics, grabbing some water yourself before leaving, cleaning yourself up before the mission later on today and the debriefing that was scheduled over lunch in two hours. You manage to fit in a quick shower and a nap before changing into your uniform, grabbing the necessary things you would need incase it would be overnight, despite it supposedly only taking a few hours but you never know being an Avenger and saving the world from the bad people out there.

As soon as you join the others they stare at you in confusion before you take a seat, Clint handing you a slice of pizza with a reassuring smile. ,,What the hell happened to you Y/LN?'' Tony remarks and you can't help but glance at Natasha who almost sits frozen at the other end of the table, avoiding your gaze as she had seen and realised the damage she had done as soon as you walked in. ,,Just training'' you chuckle, acting as if it was nothing but the others share knowing glances, already having heard from the recruits what had happened as they really couldn't keep anything to themselves.

,,Anyway this mission'' he carries on rambling and you can't help but shut out their voices, focusing solely on the woman sitting at the other end of the table. She had changed into her mission uniform, her hair in those beautiful braids again, her eyes looking the most beautiful shade of green despite the sadness in them and you still wonder what had happened.

Before you know it, you find yourself on the Quinjet as it speeds through the afternoon sky, Natasha of course insisting on controlling it and you simply stay in the back, strapping yourself in one of the seats and waiting to get to your mission area. It's when Clint takes a seat beside you that you snap out of your thoughts. ,,She's got one hell of a right hook'' he gestures towards your black eye and bruised nose and you can't help but chuckle. ,,She does'' you admit and he gives you that half proud half sad dad look that you both hated and adored about him. ,,Do you know what's going on with her?'' you whisper, not wanting her or the others to hear.

He pauses for a moment, always having been close to her and despite not trusting anyone else with this, he knew the two of you knew each other even better, even longer and knowing he can trust you with this. ,,They broke up'' he admits and your eyes widen, having heard about Natasha's relationship problems with her partner and occasionally even providing your shoulder for her to cry on, despite it more being her pacing around the room and muttering in angry Russian. ,,Oh I- I had no idea, what happened?'' you ask but he simply shrugs, this being all the information he managed to get from Natasha.

,,She's left a few weeks ago actually but it only seems to hit her harder these last few days'' he admits and you nod understandingly, finally putting the pieces together as Natasha couldn't stand the thought of losing someone, the thought of someone abandoning her as her lie had been filled with so much uncertainty and not a lot of predictability so far. In all honesty, you had never really liked Natasha's partner, only tolerating her but never really thinking they truly matched all that well but you had been supportive of course, even agreeing on double dates with random recruits and them in order to make your longest friend to date happy and the only person you truly count as family.

You take another glance at her, seeing the determination in her eyes as she lands the Quinjet with so much ease, getting you to your destination safe and sound. You nod at Clint thankfully, your eyes signalling him you would keep this information safe but grateful nevertheless as at least you know what she must be feeling now. As you carefully enter enemy grounds with the others, you go over the goal one more time.

One of Tony's and the Avengers enemies had abducted one of your recruits on one of their team's mission, needing both the person responsible and the recruit back safe and sound. Both you and Natasha are on duty to rescue the recruit, the others needing to find the guy Tony had been after for years, ideally hacking into his technology to make the whole thing a little easier for him and you in the future, as their weapons always turned up somewhere in the world causing some kind of chaos.

The silence between you and Natasha is heavy as you move silently towards the basement of this place, JARVIS directing you over your earpiece. Neither of you can talk, Natasha's guilt causing for her to be unable to speak and you both feeling upset and sorry for her, not knowing which words would be right. ,,This way'' she eventually gestures and with your guns aimed you push open a large old iron door, exposing the recruit, strapped into a seat, beaten and bruised but conscious. ,,Oh thank you so much'' he sighs in relief, as Natasha undoes the cuffs and you help him to his feet, checking for any severe injuries but not being able to find any. ,,Let's get you out of here'' you offer and he takes your hand as you lead him through the same corridor you and Natasha had entered through.

,,Incoming'' JARVIS informs you and you manage to push the recruit behind you, not wanting him to get injured further. Natasha is quick to take the first couple of them out before you step in, sending half of them flying across the basement, their weapons echoing loudly through the silent hideout. It's not until another wave of them comes in, when Natasha again loses her temper, fighting most of them off by herself despite you trying your best to fight them off alongside her. One of them draws his weapon right at her head, making both you and the recruit freeze.

,,Go on then shoot motherfucker'' she curses, her Russian accent thick as his gun is aimed right at her forehead. He cocks his gun but before he has any chances of doing anything, you fire your gun, causing him to drop to the floor. His blood sprays all over you, causing you to flinch a little, not from the encounter but from Natasha's ruthless behaviour. In silence, the two of you follow her back to the others, having informed them of your success, the others already having the guy Tony wanted tied up on the Quinjet and having all the necessary information that Tony required.

Clint flys the Quinjet this time, wanting to give Natasha a break and the two of you sit in complete silence, the other Avengers taking care of the recruit, tending to his cuts and bruises and making sure the other guy is still out cold, at least until they would arrive at the compound. ,,You alright there?'' Steve questions as he walks past you with a first aid kit, seeing the state of your face and your uniform. ,,All fine, not my blood'' you assure and he can't help but chuckle, giving you a comforting pat on the back before carrying on with what he was doing.

She doesn't speak and you so wish she would just say a single word, explain herself, her anger, let out the emotions she is clearly struggling with. You had never seen her so reckless before, despite knowing she probably wouldn't have let him shoot her, always having one of her Black Widow poses ready in order to drop him to the floor even with a gun pointed at her face and mere seconds to spare. She had never engaged like this before, let alone talk to any of the enemies she would beat and kick senseless. It had taken you off guard, seeing her so close to danger, the thought of something happening to her causing your whole body to tremble, to react quick, too quick perhaps as you never usually shot any targets on sight like this, mostly leaving them unconscious as the Avengers are many things but not ruthless killers. Usually, after a mission like this the recruits would wipe up the area, bringing everyone in and guiding them to the right authorities so that they could deal with them. The thought of someone's blood on your hands sends your memories right back to your time at the Red Room, how much you had killed, the innocence in their eyes before you did, despite your mind being controlled by them.

And you would easily kill for Natasha, having loved her from one of the first days of laying eyes upon her, never saying anything as you never wanted to ruin what you had. But lately you don't recognise the person sitting beside you in silence anymore. Eventually, you close your eyes, fully awake but wanting to calm your nerves down, knowing if you so much as opened your mouth your emotions would get the better off you, causing you to lash out at her and maybe say things you would regret afterwards.

The return to the compound is quick, debriefing even quicker, Tony happy with the results and the guys simply wanting to get showered and changed, ready for a night of pizza, video games and beers. Natasha storms off and despite your gut telling you to leave her be, you can't help but follow her. ,,Nat'' you try as you sprint down the hallway, and despite her acknowledging you, she continues storming into her room. You consider leaving her be but your heart aches seeing her like this and so you follow her to her room, the all too familiar room where until her relationship, you spent many nights in together, comforting each other, watching movies together and reminiscing about the old times together.

,,What Y/N?'' she snaps as the door shuts loudly behind you two. The redhead turns around, reaching one of the liquor bottles before pouring herself a drink, chugging it quicker than you can begin to speak.

,,Natasha what the hell is going on with you?'' you snap, your voice betraying you a little due to the slight quiver.

She sighs, pouring herself another drink before shrugging ,,Nothing, I'm fine''.

,,You're not fine Natasha'' you snap, your eyebrows darting in frustration and fists clenching to the extend of your knuckles turning white.

,,What makes you think I'm not fine?'' she snaps, now turning to you, her green eyes locking right onto yours and showing the annoyance in them and that all she wanted was for you to get out.

,,I remember what fine means remember?'' you blurt out and she suddenly seems caught, as if only now remembering who is standing in front of her and what the two of you had been through together. Knowing fine was a statement the two of you used when in reality your worlds are falling apart, either the memories of the Red Room causing you to break, an especially tough mission or something else on each other's mind, meaning your hearts were on the verge of breaking. A statement where the two of you knew the meaning, that either a hug, a drink or a training session was in order to blow off some steam.

,,You have been acting out for days, you beat a recruit senseless, let alone me or what happened earlier, you do realise you could have gotten killed right?'' you snap, remembering her foolish actions from the mission hours ago.

,,Don't be ridiculous Y/N'' she scoffs, and you are unsure which bit of what you said she actually meant but it didn't matter because none of what you are feeling seems ridiculous to you.

For a moment you stay silent as you take another step towards the redhead, despite the anger you are feeling your heart swelling with how ethereal she looks in this moment. ,,Tasha'' you try pleading with her, hoping you could somehow break through her walls that you had managed to break down in the past many times. ,,I heard what happened, I'm so sorry'' you whisper.

Her eyes meet yours for a moment, the vulnerability, the sadness in them evident before it's replaced with the same coldness, anger and harshness from moments ago. ,,It's fine, I don't care'' she spits before pouring herself another drink and you can't help but roll your eyes. ,,It's not fine, you almost got yourself killed earlier'' you push again, still unable to believe she wasn't taking any of this serious.

,,I know you are hurting, I know you loved her and I'm so sorry but this isn't the way.. we can do anything, you can beat me up again or we can get ice cream and watch a silly movie, anything but not like this please'' you try reasoning with her and again she pauses before her eyes avert yours.

She takes a few steps towards the window, overlooking the compound, the trees and the rain in the distance before she sighs. ,,I haven't been happy for a while'' she admits and you almost sigh in relief at the honesty in her statement and that her walls are slowly beginning to crack a little.

,,I don't think she really loved me but at least she treated me like I'm somebody'' she carries on and for some reason something within you snaps then. Yes- you had encouraged her to be open and honest, to help her through this but you couldn't believe the person standing in front of you right now. This wasn't the Natasha who broke you both out of the Red Room. Who became a badass assassin and spy before becoming rich and famous and an Avenger. This wasn't the Natasha who held you on a tough night, who told you to fuck all the people that had hurt you and went sure to avenge every single one of them for you when you couldn't. This wasn't the Natasha who taught you to believe in yourself, to trust yourself, to only allow what's best for you. To only let people in who genuinely care about and love you. This version of her, bitter, scared and small wasn't like her and you wonder what happened, what you had missed for it to have become this bad.

,,Yeah but would she have loved you if you were nobody?'' you question, causing for her to turn around abruptly before walking over to you, banging her fists on the table separating you two.

,,Nobody loved me when I was nobody Y/N! no one'' she shouts, her emotions washing over her and causing her anger to again lash out at the person least deserving it, you.

,,I did'' you scream back, completely losing yourself in the moment. Unsure what triggered this but deep down you knew it was the mission, how easily she could have gotten hurt, how selfish and foolish she had been pulling a stunt in front of you like that. And despite you never having voiced your emotions and feelings for her this openly before, in this moment you don't care.

Her mouth stands agape as she stares into your eyes, blinking repeatedly as to make sure she had heard you correctly. ,,Before you became an Avenger and long before your relationship'' your voice breaks now, tears spilling down your cheeks as you are unable to believe how stupid you have been for so long. You had walked to the ends of this world for her, joining SHIELD and the Avengers despite wanting a quiet life after the Red Room. Going on missions, risking your life every single day for her, not wanting her to be on her own, not wanting her to suffer alone. And yet, all she had done was treat you miserably.

,,To me you were a somebody, you were everything'' you cry now, letting the tears flow freely. Suddenly it hurts, your heart, your past all catching up with you. Your face and the bruises from her hurting even more than before, the image of you shooting the guard earlier, replaying in your mind, the gunshot echoing in your brain.

Natasha remains speechless, she moves closer, her mouth still agape as her eyes travel from your mouth to your eyes over and over again, the guilt, the emotions, everything suddenly catching up with the redhead. ,,Y/N I-'' before she can speak, you leave, storming out the room before you can think about it any further, knowing it was a matter of seconds before you would break down and you know one thing for sure, you didn't want her to see this and so with steps as quick as light you abandon her, letting her stand frozen in her spot, your words repeating in her mind over and over again as you steal away to your safe place.

It's about two hours later when Natasha finds you, not needing JARVIS or any of the other guys telling her where she could find you as she knew your safe space. She takes the elevator all the way to the top floor, climbing one of the ladders in order to reach the rooftop. She finds you sitting by the edge, your feet dangling freely, a bottle of liquor beside you. ,,Y/N?'' she tries in order not to startle you and you are surprised by how sober she sounds, considering you assumed she drowned herself in alcohol after your confrontation before.

Silently, she takes a seat beside you and glances over to you, seeing your tear stained red cheeks and her heart breaks at the sight, taking in the bruises that she had left on you both physically and emotionally and she hates herself for ever causing you any pain as you all of people never deserved that. Without a second thought, she reaches for the liquor bottle, taking a rather large sip before passing it to you, your eyes meeting for a mere second before you follow her lead and drown your pain away. The two of you sit in silence for what feels like an eternity, watching the stars and listening to the quiet sounds of the world.

It's a little later when she notices your shivering state and without thinking she takes off her jacket, placing it over your shoulders but you flinch. ,,I don't need your pitty Nat'' you snap, feeling more upset with her than ever before.

,,I don't pitty you Y/N, I'm so sorry'' she whispers, the vulnerability evident in her green orbs. Your eyes meet hers, seeing the genuine remorse in them and you instantly feel bad for your earlier outburst, as you never wanted to tell her any of it like that.

,,You were right, I've been reckless and so damn stupid'' she curses, her accent again thick as she moves a little closer to you, your shoulders now touching, the scent of her jacket lingering and making you feel warmer instantly.

,,I'm so sorry for hurting you'' she whispers, a tear flowing down her cheek but you are quick to catch it with your thumb before it manages to fall. She smiles bitterly, leaning into your touch a little before you retract your cold hand.

,,I know and I'm sorry for before, I just hate seeing you in pain'' you whisper, your eyes again meeting and locking this time. ,,I know I've made a fool off myself and I'm happy to leave in the morning if you need me to'' you admit, biting your lip due to your nerves and your heart beating out of your chest.

,,Leave? why would I ever want that?'' she asks, the shock written across her beautiful but sad features. You remain silent and it takes a minute for the confusion to turn into understanding as your statement finally makes sense to her and her heart aches at the thought.

,,I've made a fool off myself Tasha, I should have been there for you, yet I confessed my feelings to you like some idiot'' you mutter, averting her gaze again as the embarrassment catches up with you.

She pauses before her thumb reaches your chin, moving it to the side a little so your eyes meet again. ,,You're not an idiot Y/N..'' she admits quietly. ,,I have been the idiot for not seeing this, for not telling you myself'' she admits and now you are the confused one, not understanding what she is implying.

She picks it up, ever the perceptive one before she lays her emotions out right in front of you. ,,The reason we didn't work and we argued everyday is because of you Y/N'' she admits and your eyes widen at her statement.

,,Me?'' you ask dumfounded before she nods. ,,Because I love you too and I have for so long'' she whispers, now the raw and real Natasha back where you had lost her a while ago.

,,Tasha.. please don't'' you whisper ,,Don't do this to make me feel better'' you plead, knowing how she cared about everyone else more than herself and never wanting her to say these things to make you happy.

,,I'm not.. I have loved you for as long as I can remember but I pushed those feelings down because I never thought you'd see me this way'' she admits, some more tears rolling down her cheeks, as she remembers the countless arguments and jealousy of her ex partner and how that ultimately ruined the relationship she never truly wanted to commit to in the first place as her thoughts always had been consumed with you.

,,Tasha I became a spy for you, I became a god damn Avenger for you, I wanted to settle down'' you scoff, unable to believe she had been this much of an idiot for so long, as this whole thing could have been avoided.

,,I know.. I- I'm sorry'' she admits, knowing your reasons for doing all of those things and how the reason had always been her and how she knew it every second of every day and how it killed her.

There is a long pause, as the two of you continue staring into the night sky, processing the words and admissions exchanged. Natasha feeling nothing but guilt for her previous actions and not speaking up sooner and you feeling utterly confused and slightly tipsy, the effects of the alcohol now catching up with you as you really aren't that much of a drinker after all.

When your eyes meet again, the gap between you two is impossibly smaller and you can feel her breath on you, warm, smelling both like liquor and cherry from what you assume to be her chapstick. ,,May I kiss you?'' she whispers, knowing she had caused so much damage but the desire to finally feel your lips on hers stronger than anything in this moment.

,,Tasha we're drunk..'' you argue, not wanting this to be like that. ,,I'm not, I mean this, every single word and there is no way in this world I'd forget any of this in the morning'' she admits and her eyes sparkle with honesty and before you know it you close your eyes, nodding before her lips crash onto yours.

The moment you had daydreamed about for several years had finally arrived and it feels more heavenly than you ever imagined. Her lips are soft, the taste of alcohol and cherry and the smell of her perfume clouding your senses. The kiss is slow, passionate, filled with every single emotion, admission and apology the two of you could find and had on each other's mind. As your chests touch, your hearts beat heavily and in synch, beating for each other, the adrenaline causing your body to begin shaking. ,,Nat..Nat..'' you breathe heavily before she breaks the kiss, searching your face for any sign of discomfort.

,,I.. I want you'' you admit, your eyes practically pleading with her and she can't help but smirk amused. ,,You sure?'' she whispers, leaning in again and you nod eagerly before she stands up, scooping you into her arms, as your legs wrap around her waist. ,,We may be idiots detka but at least we're each others'' she whispers as she continues plastering your lips and neck with kisses, carrying you to her room and you can't help but chuckle between moans and your heavy breathing.

(Part two smut? let me know)

[stevesgother]

I Don't Want You Like A Bestfriend - S.H

Pairing - Bestfriend!Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

WC - 2.3k

Warnings - mentions of anxiety, reader not liking large gatherings, swearing, alcohol (reader works at a bar). As always, let me know if I missed anything!

AN - Part 2 of the Dress mini series! This could technically be a standalone fic, but for the full context I would recommend reading part 1 :) 

Dress Series - Pt 1, Pt 2

December 1987

2 bowls of popcorn and 4 movies later, you’re laying on opposite ends of your twin bed with your best friend; gossiping lazily with droopy eyelids.

“I cannot go to their wedding without a date, Rob.” looking at her exasperated, “That’s like, totally embarrassing! Steve’s gonna have this Madonna-ey, bombshell blonde and with giant boobs and I'm gonna bring who? My cousin? Not happening.” You say with finality.

“Well forgive me,” Robin deadpans. “I only know like,” She gestures dramatically, trying to count in her head, “7 boys!”

May 1985

Immediately upon opening your eyes, you’re met with the blinding pain of your too big brain bouncing around inside your skull and a foreboding sense of dread upon recalling the way you behaved the night before.

You could only remember bits and pieces of the wretched night, but you were humiliated nonetheless. Had you said something you shouldn’t have? Your stomach churns at the thought and briefly you fear you might yak again.

A few weeks later, you were walking the stage, diploma in hand. Steve had broken up with Nancy Wheeler the week following prom. Feigning some bullshit about him leaving for college; not wanting to do long distance. Those cliche, overused excuses that everyone knows loosely translate to “I don’t love you anymore.”

Steve didn’t even get into tech, unbeknownst to Nancy. He was dodgy when you asked him about their breakup. “I just felt like we didn’t make sense anymore, you know? But it-” he sighed, “it’s just, it’s not like I could say that to her.” 

You didn’t want to push the subject further, despite your bewilderment. Part of you felt desperately guilty at the idea that you may have been the catalyst for what happened to their relationship. You didn’t dare ask, though. Maybe you didn’t want to know, or maybe you just didn’t want to make it about yourself. 

December 1987

The Wandering Dog was especially busy tonight. Folks trying to escape their in-laws for a few hours during the holiday season, college kids home for break trying to get wasted; and all of it was your problem. The pay was nice, you made good tips bartending. Right as you watch someone knock over an entire tray of drinks, a familiar head of hair makes its way to sit in front of you at the bar. Distracting, but not enough to suppress the groan that leaves your throat when it dawns on you that those drinks are your mess to clean up later.

“Steve-o,” you force a smile at him, “what can I do for ya on this..lovely evening?”

“Can’t a guy visit his favorite lady without needing a reason?” He lilts.

You try not to let on how flustered you feel at his usage of ‘favorite lady’. 

“You hate this bar, you’re also technically banned-” he cuts you off with a wave of his hand “Still? Seriously? It was one time-” Your turn to interrupt, “No actually, year prior? That was your first warning.” You’re met with a roll of the eyes, forgetting how utterly sassy he’s become in the last few years. You can’t decide whether you love or hate the development.

“I actually uh,” he runs a hand through his hair- a nervous habit, “I wanted to ask you something,”. You look at him quizzically, unable to pinpoint what's caused such a sudden shift in his demeanor.

“Okay…” you draw out the last syllable, more confused than unkind. “Spill it Hairspray, you’re kind of freaking me out.” you give an awkward chuckle. Your friendship is hardly what you’d consider serious. Sure, you’ve had your share of late night, existential conversations; but you can count on one hand the amount of times you’ve made the other actually nervous.

He clears his throat, “sorry yeah, sorry. I was wondering uh, ifyouwouldbemydatetojoyceandhopperswedding.”

The rest of his sentence comes out as one jumbled word. You do a double take when you finally process what he’s asking, and you choke a little on the Coke you were sipping. “What?-”

“-As friends!” he blurts loudly as his hands shoot out in front of him in a defensive gesture, “obviously, as friends. That’s- what I meant.” his words lose confidence every time he opens his mouth.

You stare for a little too long, mouth hanging open like a trout. “You don’t..already have a date?” You hope he doesn’t take offense to the inquiry. Steve Harrington can most certainly find a plus one to a simple wedding.

“Yeah I- something like that,” his mouth opens like he’s going to explain further before deciding against it; settling on a lopsided smile instead. He’s terrified he’s blown his cover. If he had given any effort at all to the endeavor, surely he would’ve been able to find a date. Fancy car, rich parents, million dollar smile and his infallible charm. The problem was that he didn’t want to go with another Heidi. Another Jessica. Another Stacy.

He wanted to go with you.

Even if it meant just as friends. You two were just friends.

-

Joyce and Hopper’s wedding was at Pokagon State Park, and the drive up was less than stellar. 3 hours stuffed inside a cramped BMW with Robin, Eddie, and Vickie. You were fortunate enough to be riding shotgun next to Steve for the trip, Eddie muttering something about ‘date privilege’.

When you arrived at the cabin you’d be sharing with your 4 friends, you were a little mortified. There was a room for Vickie and Robin, and Eddie claimed the pullout couch almost immediately. This leaves one more room. With one bed. For you and Steve Harrington. It’s possible Joyce may have misinterpreted the reality of your situation when booking the rooming accommodations.

If it bothered Steve, he didn’t show it. You guys had had sleepovers before, but almost never in the same bed. His house had a plethora of guest bedrooms, and your father would be found dead before he let a boy sleep in your room, even at the ripe age of 20.

We’re adults, you think. We can be mature about this.

There isn’t much time to dwell on it before you’re being stuffed by Robin into a too tight, wine red bridesmaid dress.

“I feel sick,” you say, groaning. “Do not barf on me,” she warns with a stern look, though you can tell she’s not really annoyed. “I really like these shoes.” Despite the itchy fabric of the dress and the obnoxiously loud color, you do look breathtakingly beautiful. Red has always been your color. 

“Hey dingus! Stop gawking and zip me would you?” Robin lightly kicks you with her bare foot, taking you out of your own head. When you exit the bathroom, you’re immediately met with the 2 boys. Even Eddie, who you don’t believe you’ve ever seen not in ripped jeans, cleans up nice.

Steve looks…strapping. Not handsome in the boyish way you’re used to. He’s all slicked hair, cufflinks and well-pressed wool. He meets your gaze and you swear his pupils dilate just slightly. An arm is offered to walk you to his car. He smells like cinnamon and cedar, woodsy and spice. He opens the passenger door for you and God, he’s a gentleman.

It’s going to be a long night.

- 

The venue was terribly charming. Floor to ceiling windows highlight the snow falling outside in big, fat flakes over the water. The room was lit entirely by yellow string lights, casting a permanent warm hue over the lodge.

On a table clad in lace, there were 5 notecards scribbled on in cursive ink. The one that adorned your name was directly adjacent to one that read Steve Harrington. They were paired with party favors wrapped neatly with a white silk bow.

Steve wanted to pull out your chair for you. He wanted to sit beside you with his hand in yours. Hell, he would’ve bought you a corsage if he thought it appropriate. A death by a thousand cuts; he was again reminded of the fact that you were not his, and he was not yours.

You were unable to identify the source of the nagging anxiety you felt. You were never partial to big gatherings like this, but the unease you were experiencing now was different. All you could do was relax, and try to enjoy the reception. Try not to pay mind to the stark, masculine presence sitting beside you.

The newlyweds’ first dance was to the beloved ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ By INXS. You think about how remarkably fitting a song it was for them and everything they had endured together. The restlessness you had previously felt started to steadily fade after that; laughing and chatting with your friends. It started to feel..normal, for a while.

Just then, like some sick esoteric joke, you hear the unmistakable beginning notes of ‘I’ll Be Over You’ by Toto. When you turn to your left, Steve has a poorly concealed, shit-eating grin on his face.

In the most sober tone he can muster through his unseriousness, he asks, “Can I have this dance?” while extending his hand to you. He prays you don’t notice it trembling slightly. It’s the undeniable corniness of his request that manages to strangle a laugh out of you.

 “I thought you’d never ask.”

With one hand delicately placed on your hip, he threads the other one with your own fingers as he starts to sway. You clumsily try to match his rhythm; so nervous that you’re becoming uncoordinated. His chest is nearly touching yours, and your noses are a hairsbreadth apart. It feels profoundly intimate.

'as soon as forever is through, I'll be over you.'

He leans his head down so his lips just brush your ear as he whispers, “You okay?”

You scoff, unconvincingly. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” You know he can see right through you. It’s fruitless to try and deceive him.

“You just seem,” he gives your waist a small squeeze, “a little tense.” You swallow hard.

“Just say the word and I'll take you home.” ‘Home’ meaning back to the cabin. Not the comforting safety of your own bed back in Hawkins. You appreciate his earnestly either way.

“I know, Steve.” you lilt, trying to lighten the intensity of the moment with a teasing tone. You rest your head against his shoulder, if only so you don’t have to keep holding his all-consuming gaze.

-

Despite the thermostat being set at a comfortable 75 degrees, you were still shivering slightly. You always ran cold. You stood in front of a dusty vanity mirror trying to extend your arms behind your back far enough to unzip this godforsaken dress.

You felt him more than you saw him. Steve’s presence displaces the air in the room as one does to water when they sink down into a steaming bath: noticeably, and comfortably. You pay him no mind as you continue to struggle with the zipper. Mulling around the same room; busy with your separate tasks, this was familiar to you. Not often did you have to acknowledge the other for them to know you were grateful for their company.

“Need a hand with that?” he asks, slightly amused as he saunters over to you.

You hesitate for a moment before looking over your shoulder and offering him a shy smile, “Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind?” You know he doesn’t.

His scent envelopes you like a thick fog when he approaches you. His calloused fingers pinch the clasp and pull it down its tracks slowly. The sound is piercing in the quiet of your shared room; your senses dialed up to 11. You can feel his warm, freshly minty breath fan over your shoulders and the nape of your neck. Your arms erupt in goosebumps at the sensation.

He stands there, he realizes, longer than he needs to. 

“Okay I’m gonna-” “There you go-” you both speak at the same time. 

You huff an awkward breath of a laugh before you finish your thought, “I’m gonna..go change.” you throw a thumb behind you in the direction of the ensuite. “Right, yeah,” he shakes his head as if to escape his own thoughts; his turn to act shy.

-

Lying in bed, you’re suddenly grateful that Steve has always been something of a personal space heater. The warmth he radiates makes you want to curl into him, against your better judgment. The silence in the room is deafening; the only sounds to be heard are rhythmic breathing and the creaking of the ancient plumbing.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Steve’s voice is hoarse, no doubt from the boisterous singing he’d been doing earlier in the evening. Still, you’re grateful for the crack in the wall that's been plastered between you.

“I like secrets,”

“I hate weddings.”

The stiff fabric of the pillowcase crinkles as you turn your head to look at him.

“I am happy for them, it’s not that,” he starts, “it’s just, what if it’s never me up there ya know?”  It’s not that he’s scared he’ll never marry; it’s that he’s scared he’ll never marry you.

You want to reach out for him then. Hold his face in your hands and tell him you understand. There are so many unspoken words between you. Things unsaid, but implied. The desire to yell and scream and confess how much you love him is overwhelming.

“Steve. You’re only twenty,” smiling lightheartedly, “there’s so much time for you. There are plenty of women out there that would be delighted to swear themselves to you for eternity. Believe me.” You chuckle and pretend like the reason you know that to be the truth isn’t because you’re one of them.

“I know, I know,” he brings a hand up to card through his bed mussed hair, “you’re right, it’s silly.”

“I didn’t say it was silly,” you elbow his side gently, consequently moving your body closer to his.

He doesn’t say anything then. Instead, his hand cautiously moves over the bed until it’s touching yours; intertwining your pinkies. He doesn’t breathe, as if any sudden movements might scare you like a frightened doe. If he breathes, you might remember you’re not supposed to be doing this.

“If we’re not married by the time we’re,” he pretends to ponder, “32, will you marry me?”

You laugh, the unexpected loudness of it making you cringe a little, “yes,”

“Promise?” He sounds deadly serious.

You tighten your pinky around his, “Promise.”

[lizpottersworld]

. ۫ ꣑ৎ . JUST NOT HOME. even though you and remus aren’t together anymore, your heart aches for him and to feel his love and care again. even your friends are worried, and even they’re acting off. (remus lupin x reader)

play my tears ricochet for the effect if your feeling special and like crying

it was a shock. the breakup. you didn’t even think separating with remus could be so brutal, well truthly you hadn’t imagined it at all. he was it for you, and you thought he thought the same. honestly, he probably did. yet, the way it ended left your heart broken beyond repair. three years thrown away.

not even your guys closet friends saw it coming, they had always looked up to your guys relationship. the high school sweethearts who loved each other like their was nothing else to savour in the world but the being of each other.

even though you hadn’t heard from remus recently, by your friends worry and anxiety for your being you could tell he was probably doing way better than you. to put it nicely, you looked like hell. all the healthy habits you had built over time thrown away, because he helped you get to that point. and now he was gone, what was the point of carrying on?

he was your home. your belonging. your soulmate. the reason you had carried on all these years. where was the loving and tender boyfriend you had loved those years back? where was he when he called it off with no explanation, leaving you crying in your shared apartment?

there was so many questions you wanted to ask, but nothing could soothe the pain you were feeling.

“y/n/n, please just if you need help just call us, any of us.” marlene pleaded on the phone, doing her daily check in with you. it was unusual hearing marlene so panicked and worried, she was all sunshine and parties really.

“i promise, i’ll be fine.” you sighed, the roughness to your voice not supporting your answer. of course you weren’t, you had cried about it non stop.

“okay well, i have to—“ she started, being cut off by the abrupt sound of pure laughter in the background. your breathing naturally startled, it was his laughter. not just anyones. his.

“marlene, is that—“ your voice croaked involuntarily, you knew all your friends had been hanging out with remus recently you just weren’t aware it was a happy kind of hangout. you always assumed it meant they were individually checking up on him. how was he so happy? it had only been a week?

“yes, i’m sorry y/n/n, we’re all just hanging at james tonight, it was only to make him feel better i didn’t—“ she rushed to explain again, surely the others had picked up on the words and all paused and hushed.

“he seems perfectly fine, marlene! meanwhile I haven’t seen any of you, calls are fine but how does he get the normal invitations to hang out? am i just not apart of the group anymore?” you scoffed, tears streaming down your face in anger and the ache of your heart.

“of course you are, its just— he was our friend first and—“ she pleaded with you, only making it worse for herself. your heart pained at her words, a pathetic whine sounded through the phone from you.

“thats always how its going to be it seems. no matter what I’ve done and do for you guys, because your my best-friends. but you know its all good because you met him a year before me so it makes perfect sense.” you managed to say through the sobs you let out. “i think i’m done with being the second choice in this friendship. you shouldn’t have to choose. i’m done mourning my— the relationship i had with remus just as i’m done with all your bullshit. i hope they all can hear me.” you seethed through your teeth, incredibly hurt, and then you hung up.

that same day you booked a flight, away from london, away from the place you only felt sad in. a week later, you moved out your flat and used the money to go to the uni you always wished you could go to. ‘that was always too far for long distance’

and that year, you started your new life, made new friends and had become close with your roommates. hours away from london, now living in Edinburgh. occasionally, your old friends tried to reach out to you but you ignored them. all until you received a message from him.

lover💓 hey. been a while, no ones heard from you, just wondering if your okay and well. i miss you. we all do.

and just like that. your heart ached again, and you found yourself immediately sending a reply. no matter when, no matter where in the world. you would always have that weak spot for him.

[corriganatheart]

if he was MINE / João Félix x reader

Synopsis: You’re secretly in love with your best friend, who is in a toxic relationship.

Pairings: João Félix x fem!reader

Genre: One sided romance, sad story

December 10 2022: Right after Portugal’s Elimination.

Breaking News: Magui Corceiro is spotted clubbing with a mysterious man while boyfriend João Félix gets eliminated from the World Cup.

With an unfazed eye, you scroll through the comments.

He deserves so much better.

At this point bro is doing this to himself because this is getting old.

Isn’t this like the 4th time? Lol

Magui doesn’t give a shit about João Félix's feelings; she knows he’ll forgive her no matter what.

People continue to type out their opinions, which worsens as you scroll down. You are watching from home and is very aware that Portugal got eliminated. When the camera pans to João’s face, your heart shatters from his expression. He was in as much pain as CR7, and you know he was very excited to play for his country but was only disappointed. You wished you could’ve been there, especially now that the news is out, but you thought Magui would be there, so you turned down his offer.

You and João are both aware that Magui doesn’t like you, mainly because you’ve been friends with him since middle school, but you’ve never done anything to harm his relationship. João has had a couple of girlfriends, and all seem insecure because you know him better than them, but he has always chosen you. This was, of course, until she showed up and had his undivided attention.

Magui Corceiro is one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen and, quite frankly, João’s ideal woman. He has always gone for blue eyes and blonde hair, but something about this girl was different; he was actually invested in her and was smitten by her. Your best friend was in love and overly blind too. Their relationship is not healthy, and everyone agrees on that, but João is stubborn and refuses to accept the truth.

When he first introduced you to the girl nearly three years ago, she was very sweet, and you thought for the first time you’d be friends with his girlfriend. But as time passed, she became more possessive and controlling to the point where you went almost a year without speaking to him. Magui was jealous of your friendship with João, and it was the one thing that she couldn’t control because he had told her several times that you’re a long-time friend. And since she can’t ask him to leave his friends, she manipulates him with breakups and male acquaintances of her own. Everything about his feelings for her was real, but she saw it as a tool to manipulate one of the best upcoming players. However, still, João is responsible for how he gets treated, and so far, he has allowed every gaslighting, manipulation, mental abuse, and cheating into his relationship.

You hesitate on whether to call João or not while watching Morocco celebrate their win in the quarter-finals. Your eyes drift to your friend, Hakimi, who looks as happy as ever to win the match. Although you’re upset that Portugal didn’t win, at least one of your friends can continue on the next game.

Your phone dings from the numerous messages from your friends to your family about the video. It was no mistake or misunderstanding. The video showed that she intended to grind on the guy and didn’t care that the camera was on her. You’re sure by now someone has told João of the allegation, and this would only make him more upset. She was supposed to be there for him, cheer him on, and that’s why you didn’t go, but instead, she was in another country with another man.

You go on Instagram, hoping his comments weren’t filled with the scandal, but you should’ve known by now that everyone was on João’s case. His latest Instagram post was filled with Magui’s allegation and how João would never learn his lesson. Even with the hate he gets for staying with her, it has become clear that he won’t leave her. You’ve tried to convince him before, and that only ended with him losing contact with you for months, but your friendship was much more important than your feelings, so you remained silent and helped him when he needed you.

Leaning on your couch, you wait for an incoming call. Morocco had just finished celebrating with their people, and by now, João was probably heading to his hotel. He might even take a flight early to avoid getting crowded the next day at the airport. People can be brutal, and he was trending on Twitter for the wrong reason, and some even blamed his relationships for Portugal’s loss. It was ridiculous, but that’s how the internet works, and sadly his girlfriend added more fuel to the fire, and you can only hope that dancing with the guy was the only thing she did. Groaning from the anxiety, you decided to go for it and dial his number. He picked up on the third ring, and you relaxed a little.

“Hey,” you softly said. You hear a bag zipped before he responds, “Hey you.” You lay down on the couch, saddened by his voice that sounds so broken. “You played well. You gave it your all. I’m so proud of you, João.” He doesn’t respond to that, but you hear stuff being shoved into a bag, and you can only imagine how frustrated he must be and probably wants to come home immediately. “We almost had it, Y/N; I just wanted a chance,” he says, his voice cracking. You imagine being there, pulling him into a hug, and whispering that everything will be ok like you always do. “Why don’t I make you your favorite comfort meal when you return? We’ll have movie nights like usual,” you suggested. You hear another bag being zipped up, and that is it. He was ready to come home. “Yeah, that would be nice.” You smile and refuse to bring up Magui’s situation because this moment is perfect, with no mention of her, just the two of you. “I wish you were here,” he mumbles. You softly smile, cherishing the way he says it. “Yeah, me too.”

Your best friend texts you that he has arrived back early in the morning and is getting some sleep. You smile, excited to see him because you haven’t seen him since he left for Qatar. Many of his teammates were disappointed that you weren’t there, and Georgina has called and threatened numerous times for you to be there, but you had to decline because of Magui. But it was a wrong call on your part because, in the end, she ended up leaving early. You weren’t sure why she wasn’t there for the last game, especially since the Quarter Final is so important, but whatever happened affected his gameplay. You know João more than he knows himself, and you sensed something was wrong with him. During the game, he was off so many times, and his mind was battling between the game and his personal life. Whenever that happens, it is because of his girlfriend, and that’s why his teammates don’t like her. Many of them have expressed their concerns for João because she was such a toxic person, but your best friend is stubborn; he does whatever he wants.

“Hey! Congrats on your game!” You said while making a list of groceries for your movie night. “Hey, hey! Thanks, bud!” Hakimi says, and you notice his kids and wife are in the background as he stables his phone on something. “Hey, how’s João Félix?” He asked, his voice hinting at curiosity and annoyance. “Oh, Ahum, he sounded fine when I spoke to him last night,” you mutter. Hakimi rolls his eyes and lays his head on the couch. “If he stays with her, he will be football's laughingstock.”

You awkwardly laughed, remembering that Hakimi knew your crush on João. It was a drunken mistake that happened during a karaoke night. You, Hakimi, his wife, and a couple of your other mutual friends were celebrating a promotion that ended up with you spilling your deepest secret. Luckily everyone was passed out, and only Hakimi was the only that remembered your words. At first, he teases you about the crush, but after seeing the pain that you go through because of the secret crush, he stops joking about it. “I just don’t understand what goes on in his mind. I mean, he has you around him all the time, and he still chases the one person that is bad for him.” You sighed, hating where the conversation was going. You don’t want people to pity you because you already pity yourself. After spending your entire life being João’s best friend, you’ve realized that you’ll never be anything but a best friend. “Just leave it, Hakimi; I’m sure he already feels like shit,” you mumbled. Hakimi gives you an apologetic look before he glances off somewhere and immediately smirks.

“Hey, my offer still stands, you know,” he said. You rolled your eyes, remembering his offer of setting you up with his best friend. You’ve declined several times, but apparently, his best friend was very persistent and really wants to meet you. “If I were to date someone else, it would have to be outside the football world,” you said, causing him to roll his eyes. “Come on, Y/N, just give him a chance. And I’m sure it’ll also get João Félix thinking,” he wiggles his eyebrows. You thought back to the time João was jealous, which was never since you’ve never been involved with any other guy, so it would be an exciting thing to do. “You know this is your only idea that doesn’t involve me getting sent to jail.” Hakimi gasped and dramatically placed his hand on his chest. “When I told you to teach Magui a lesson, I didn’t mean full-on murder; I meant sending her to a mental hospital because she needs one.” You roll your eyes and tear the sticky notes off and start grabbing your things to go out. “We’ll, Mr. Scandalous, I look forward to your match against Argentina! Good luck!”

You walked down the pasta aisle, trying not to eavesdrop on the people next to you. They mentioned João’s name, so it was pretty hard for you to ignore them. “I heard from a family friend that Magui is dating a soccer player from another team,” the shorter woman tries to whisper. “Poor João Félix, he’s going to end up ruining his career if he keeps involving himself with her.” You frown at the mention of your best friend's career getting damaged. He has to work his ass off to get where he is, so it would be a shame if his reputation gets ruined. “But isn’t João Félix also having an affair with another girl? I heard that Magui only started cheating after he was caught sleeping with his best friend.” You immediately froze, the can in your hand almost falling. It wasn’t news that people know João Félix has a female best friend, but they never speculate about your relationship further than that. João has mentioned several times to the media that you’re his childhood friend, nothing more than that. Eventually, it got old, and people didn’t care about it anymore and became invested in his other private life. “That’s fake news. Would he cheat on a gorgeous actress like Magui with a regular girl? He has standards.” Clenching the can in your hand, you slam it into your cart, causing the women to jump and turn to you. Without looking at them, you push away from them.

Breaking News: João Félix actress girlfriend Magui Corceiro confirms break up with the Portugal football star with an Instagram post of her and a mysterious man.

You read the article Hakimi sent you, eyes glued on the mysterious man. You know the man, who wasn’t mysterious, he was João’s long-time friend. You aren’t sure why she was doing this publicly, knowing damn well people would be judging and talking. Every time she gets caught, she makes an Instagram post denying everything, but this time it was apparent she intends to hurt him. Closing the article, you text Hakimi a shrugged emoji and a good luck text before focusing on making your best friend his comfort meal. By now, João must’ve seen the news and probably been getting numerous calls and texts from his nosy friends, but you know he won’t speak up because he doesn’t want to ruin her already ruined reputation.

Smiling at your preparation, you text João to come over. You’ve made his favorite pasta dish and have some refreshments for the movie nights. You’ve also tried to look good and were excited about seeing him again.

10:30 p.m

Breaking News: Chelsea star João Félix spotted leaving a restaurant with a model. The athlete was thought to be going through heartbreak after girlfriend was spotted clubbing and hanging out with another man, but he had a nice date with a new beauty. Is the Portugal football player finally moving on?

Staring at your phone, you see a couple of tears landing. The pasta you’ve made had been sitting for 3 hours, untouched. When he didn’t read the text or answer your calls, you assumed he turned his phone off due to the scandal. Still, after not hearing from him for two hours, you were scared that he might’ve done something stupid, but just as you were about to flee to his house, the paparazzi photos of him with a girl were everywhere on your newsfeed.

Embarrassed for yourself, you got up and threw the dishes away, and started cleaning up. Out of all the things he could’ve done to get revenge on his ex, he went with this. It was already enough that Magui tarnished his reputation, but he had to make everyone think he was as bad as her. João Félix could’ve told people that he was over this and focused on his career, but instead, he had to be trapped in a toxic relationship that would never leave unless he let go. And from the looks of it, he was not over his relationship with Magui; he wanted her to feel jealous, he wanted her to beg for him to come back, and he still wanted her. Despite being hurt repeatedly, he still wanted her and would never want you.

Slumping down on the cabinet, you hugged your knees and cried. You cried because years of unrequited love had expired, and you needed to move on. He was everything you ever wanted in a guy, and he deserves so much better, but he would never have that respect for himself. You’ve liked him the moment you laid eyes on him when you were 14 and loved him the moment he stood up to the bullies when you were 16. But sometimes you must let go; even if it tears you apart, you must let go.

20 missed calls from The Golden Boy

The Golden Boy: I’m sorry pick up.

The Golden Boy: Pick up please Y/N, I didn’t mean to not show up.

The Golden Boy: what can I do to make it up to you?

The Golden Boy: don’t do this please….

“Y/N! Open the door! It’s been two days; you have to speak to me!”

Rolling your eyes, you glance at the pounding door. João has been banging on your door for seven minutes now, and you’re sure the neighbors will call the cops, but what can you do? He has already ruined his reputation; he might as well go to jail. “Come on, don’t be childish!” Ignoring the remarks, you scroll through your Instagram, filled with nothing but João Félix and his new beau. “Fine, I’ll just have to call your parents,” he threatens. You frown and immediately stand up and head to the door. “Don’t you dare!” You screamed.

“Oh, she’s alive,” he sarcastically says, and you can imagine the smirk on his face. Rolling your eyes, you open the door to reveal your best friend in a hotass outfit. “Hey,” he smirks, but you walk off before you check him out further. “Why are you mad? Look, I forgot, ok?” He said. You aggressively turn around and glare at him, “Well, thanks, João; it makes me feel so much better that my best friend forgot that he made plans with me.” João glares at you, clearly disliking your attitude, as he leans on the wall. “You’re being dramatic. I went out with a girl; wouldn’t you do the same if your ex was fucking your friend?” Crossing your arms, you said, “no, because I would’ve left them when they did it in the first place!” João’s face immediately turned red, angry about your comment. You knew damn well that his insecurity was being cheated on, yet you slapped it in his face. “I don’t deserve your bitchy attitude,” he warns. That only made you angry because he has done much worst. “And I don’t deserve being stood up!”

João glares down at you, frustrated that you aren’t forgiving him like usual. He had stood you up many times before, and you’ve forgiven him every single time. It makes no sense why you would be upset with him all of a sudden. “Look, I’m the one that got cheated on like a piece of trash. I should be the one upset. You’ve told me numerous times to move on, yet you’re getting upset that I was out with someone last night? What kind of friend are you?” Taken aback by his sudden manipulation and no common sense, you frustratedly walk to the kitchen. “I spend so much time cooking for you so you could feel better, you asshole!” You screamed.

“I have been by your side since day one! How can you treat me like an invisible wall? How can you only come to me when you need me?” João stares down at you, upset with your sudden outbursts and confused about your questions. “As a friend, you should fucking understand where I’m coming from!” He yells, “you know how much I love Magui! And if fucking someone else takes the pain away, so be it!” Your eyes roam his, tears filling yours, and only anger was in his. “You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to ruin your reputation. Someone out there loves you with all of their heart.” João chuckles as he tilts his head back. “Who in this fuck up world could truly love me?”

You stare into his eyes as he stares intensely into yours. In a quick moment, the realization was finally sinking in, and his eyes went from anger to disbelief. “You don’t mean you-“ he pauses and straddles back. Rows of tears start flowing down while staring at him; all these years, he had never thought that you might love him or even thought of being with you. The disbelief and shock only show how little he thought of the chances of you two being together. And once again, he has broken your heart. “I need you to leave,” you mumbled, voice cracking along the way. “Y/N, I didn’t-“ you didn’t let him speak any further because you pushed him away from you. “OUT!”

You cried the rest of the day, embarrassed and disappointed in yourself for being so stupid. You’ve let yourself fall in love with your best friend who had never shown interest in you. João had always treated you as a friend, and you kept hoping he would change his mind or miraculously fall in love with you, but his heart belongs to someone else. And even if he were to accept your heart, his wouldn’t be yours fully. You were selfish to yourself and him, and you needed to move on, even if it meant losing him as a friend.

Wiping your tears, you open your message app and find Hakimi’s name. With a heavy heart, you decided it was time to move on.

1 month later

Breaking news: João Félix's best friend Y/N, who was once caught up in cheating allegations with him, has moved on. She was caught dining with PSG star Kylian Mbappé and was seen leaving the restaurant together, holding hands. Mbappé, best friend of teammate Hakimi, was seen cheering when Morocco beat Portugal in the quarter-final. Could Mbappé hang out with Y/N to add more fuel, or could this actually be a true romance?

Part II: https://www.tumblr.com/corriganatheart/712468039657996288/when-will-you-publish-the-next-part-of-if-he-was

[daffi-990]

WIP Wednesday 📝

Me: oh yeah the Eddie breakdown fic will probably only be about 5k

Also me: is 6K into said fic with the end not even in sight 😅

Gotta love when a fic gets away from you haha. Anyways, I was going to share this snippet yesterday but opted for the Buck/Taylor one instead cos it felt more of a tease. This one … I really like the dog metaphors I used in the fourth paragraph and really want to share it with you. Enjoy!

“You planning on moving in?” Eddie jokes as Buck walks into the lounge room with his stuff.

Buck laughs but there’s not much humour behind it. “Uh maybe?” Buck dumps his suitcase on the couch and turns back to Eddie. “Taylor and I we- we broke up.” He spreads his arms to the side in a what can you do way, huffing when he drops them, the sound of his hands hitting his jean clad thighs loud in the silence that his news has brought.

Eddie’s face remains neutral, but his eyes flicker with emotion, the briefest flash of hope lighting up his irises and Buck wants to pause time, to take a moment and ask Eddie what it means. Is it the same hope that beats inside Buck’s own heart? Clawing at the cage of his own making every time Eddie’s touch or gaze lingers for too long to be brushed under the veil of friendship. But just as fast as the hope appeared it’s gone again, concern now etched all over Eddie’s face, his eyes also holding a small sentiment of relief.

Buck knows Eddie has never been a fan of Taylor’s. From the day she sauntered into the firehouse after they’d rescued her, Eddie’s hackles were up, like a dog when someone is unwelcome in their territory. He’d bared his teeth but Taylor had claws and wasn’t so easily deterred. At Buck’s insistence, Eddie had pulled back, grumbling and growling, and when Buck had announced they were dating, Eddie’s growling died down and he became impassive, making sure to be polite to Taylor when she was around. Buck has always suspected though that Eddie took his issues and dislikes about Taylor to someone else, needing to snarl and gnash about the interloper but not wanting to upset Buck.

Eddie has none of that reservation anymore, the news of Buck’s breakup unlatching the muzzle that’s kept his best friends bark quiet for too long.

“I’d say I’m sorry you guys broke up, but I’d be lying.” Buck snorts at Eddie’s honesty, the other man grinning sheepishly before his expression turns more sincere. “I am sorry you’re hurting though. I know you loved her. God knows why.” An incredulous look crosses Eddie’s face that Buck doesn’t think he meant to make and for some reason it sets Buck off, laughter bubbling out of him.

It doesn’t take long for Eddie to follow, his laugh such a wonderful and welcomed sound after last night. It’s a light among the darkness, a sign that Eddie is still here and fighting, not lost to him in the pain of his past.

No pressure tagging: @jamespearce9-1-1 @hippolotamus @thewolvesof1998 @steadfastsaturnsrings @wildlife4life @watchyourbuck @wikiangela @exhuastedpigeon @elvensorceress @eddiebabygirldiaz @evanbegins @rainbow-nerdss @rewritetheending @the-likesofus @try-set-me-on-fire @theotherbuckley @princessfbi @puppyboybuckley @athenagranted @sibylsleaves @shortsighted-owl @shitouttabuck @spotsandsocks @devirnis @disasterbuckdiaz @donationwayne @fortheloveofbuddie @fiona-fififi @giddyupbuck @hoodie-buck @honestlydarkprincess @homerforsure @nmcggg @jesuisici33 @jeeyuns @loserdiaz @ladydorian05 @lover-of-mine @captain-hen @bekkachaos @monsterrae1 @malewifediaz @spagheddiediaz @mellaithwen and anyone else wanting to share something, be it fic, art, gif, music .. whatever you want ❤️

[ameliaszahmet]

Reasons why I think Trent could be the best for Courtney and not for revenge reasons and actually help improve everything including the love triangle and make Duncan and Gwen understand what have they done.

Trent is the ONLY one who understands what is she gojng through after that love triangle

He is cool , calculated , ready to help anyone that needs him, including Heather.

He is a very smart person , a straight A student and has a lot of emotional intelligence, empathy to everyone , heroes or villians, trying to understand them .

Her pain inside could be actually a very solid reason for him to be protective of her, especially when he knows how much a breakup hurts.

He is actually the only one who kept his cool around her bossy attitude so if she tries to be all bossy on him he would not allow it cuz compared to Duncan who freaks out whenever Courtney is angry ,Trent can actually keep his cool and bring solid arguments that Courtney can actually respect. She actually follows rules and strong role models , and Trent is a very good leader . He helped his teammates to victory many times. He can actually be a good role model for her helping to open to people. If she sees him how a great leader he is and people following him , at one point she would have to ask herself what's so great about him that people follow him.

At one point they had to have a chat about that love disaster and open up about their feelings. This is a good start.

He is a romantic guy , he expresses his feelings through music and Courtney does that too. he even made her cry when he was singing his love song for Gwen.

He is quite her type. a good student, handsome, smart , tall , pretty perfect and a true gentleman, she actually admired him when he dedicated his love song for gwen.

They both refused many people who wanted to date them cuz they were looking for that"special someone".

Courtney could teach him to love himself more and he could teach her it's okay to be weak.

idk if they would be a couple but they could be the only ones that could help each other revive what was great about their characters in the first place and it could actually help Duncan and Gwen too.

Duncan and Gwen could actually see them working together or talk about that whole cheating thing and realize how much it hurt them , see them in a very healthy relationship/friendship and realize that they lost the best people in their lives and actually appologize.

Pretty much in season 1 it was a contrast between 2 leaders. Trent was leading his team while Courtney tried to make her team listen to her to complete the challenges. Kind of regret I didn't get to see these 2 working together. Heck even Heather respects him.

Most important , they deserve better

[kimbappykidding]

Your relationship with Yeonjun ends abruptly when he cheats on you with your member but neither of you can quite move on from one another

 Even though it had been almost 4 months since you'd broken up, Yeonjun still froze every time he saw you. It did get better the more times he saw you in a day but the first time always got him.

While you didn't freeze every time you saw Yeonjun and the pain had lessened considerably, you did think of him and still missed him which made you mad at yourself every time. You also still found him attractive too which didn't help. You pretty obviously had a type and the only other guys you found attractive looked like him. You watched him performing during his latest comeback and sighed, he always knew how to work a stage. The problem was this wasn't a normal breakup where you just lost touch or were going down different paths. No, this break-up was caused by the ultimate betrayal between Yeonjun and one of your own members.

You weren't too close to your members before but Yeonjun and Ari's actions had ruined everything. You always felt slightly left out of your group being the only foreign member but any relationship you did have with was made worse by how most of your group took her side. They, of course, were sympathetic at first but they liked her more than you so encouraged you to think of the group and to remember it was just a kiss. You wanted to scream when they said that because it wasn't just a kiss. The image was still ingrained in your mind all this time later. Of the two of them together, her in his lap and how his hands held her hips as they moved together. It probably would've progressed to more if you hadn't walked in on them. The aftermath was the worst time of your life. Your only support system was your fellow Thai Idols and if it wasn't for Lisa and Minnie you're not sure what would've happened to you or what you would've done. You only had a year until your contract ended and then you were gone. In your mind, you were done with singing and music. It had been your passion since you were a child but now you wanted nothing to do with it, you just wanted to be alone. The company was trying to sweeten you up by giving you a solo and all the creative input possible but you just wanted out. Yeonjun knew how much he'd hurt you and he hated it. His actions with Ari had been his worst moment too and he tried punishing himself but there was nothing he could do to make it hurt less. So when you dumped him he didn't fight it, he did everything so you wouldn't have to see his face or have people ask you about him. He encouraged his members, who of course were friends with you after 2 years of dating, to still be there for you. However, you told Beomgyu you'd prefer not to see any of them for a while and that broke Yeonjun. Not only had he ruined your life he'd also broken 4 friendships. Time passed and Yeonjun had no idea how you were doing. He'd left you alone and avoided your group like the plague but recently he'd been thinking a lot about you. There was some drama with his family and he didn't know what to do. Your family was similar to Yeonjun's and you always got his feelings and understood his thinking. So he desperately wanted to discuss it all with you but of course, he couldn't. Soobin noticed Yeonjun had been down a lot recently and Yeonjun explained the situation. "Just when I think me hurting Y/n can't get any worse things like this pop up and I realise how much she was there for me. I'd give anything to talk to her about this" he sighed and Soobin frowned "well what if you asked her?".  Yeonjun's heart picked up "but I can't! After what I did to her how can I ask for help?". Soobin nodded "I know but this is about your family who she always cared a lot about. Plus, you want to be friends with her again don't you?". "More than anything" Yeonjun nodded and Soobin nodded "well then you'll have to make a first step sometime. Test the waters, be very clear she doesn't have to respond to you and can ignore you. Ask her permission and be as compensating as possible. Don't ask to meet up, give her the choice to just text if she wants to but I'd say try". Yeonjun sighed but nodded. He was terrified but he trusted Soobin, so he wrote the text and sent it. You looked at your phone and saw a name you hadn't seen in 5 months since he stopped texting you. You were on the phone with Lisa in seconds. You sent her a screenshot of the text and she read it in silence.  "What are you feeling?" she asked. "Angry" you replied "after all he's done he expects emotional labour? Someone to sound ideas off and comfort him?". Lisa nodded "I agree but he did give you multiple chances to say no. I know he sent the text anyway so there's still some emotional collateral but you don't have to reply. You can delete this and he knows". You sighed "should I do that? I should right?". Lisa frowned "Look I hate his guys but I'm only saying this because I think you're too scared too...you miss him and I know you worry about him and still care for his family. You're a good person and I know you'll torment yourself with worry about him if you don't atleast text him back". You nodded "I want to text him back and that makes me hate myself". Lisa shook her head "don't...you can't help it. Plus it's just a text. It doesn't mean you've forgiven him or are condoning his action  It doesn't mean anything". You nodded and took a breath "okay help me write a reply". Nearly an hour later Yeonjun received a reply and he actually gasped. "What?" Taehyun asked and he smiled "Y/n texted me back!". "That's great" Huening Kai smiled and the younger members started getting excited. Yeonjun shook his head "don't do that. She's still sad, I can tell by her message and she's only agreed to help me because of my parents". "But still it's something" Beomgyu said and Yeonjun nodded "yeah it is". You only sent Yeonjun 3 texts but they did drain you and brought up a lot of old memories. It didn't help that you were also working on your solo which happened to be a sad ballad at the time. It helped in that every note you sang was so raw and honest but that didn't make you feel much better. Your members all went quiet when they first heard it and you knew why. They all knew you were signing every single note to Yeonjun and Ari and you didn’t care to try and hide it. The first time you performed it live they were both there in the audience and you felt your emotions take over. They surged out of you through your voice and you gave the most emotional and powerful performance of your life. 

You hit the final note and the stage went black. The audience screamed and other idols clapped along, many female idols had glossy eyes that they tried to hide and all your idol friends were wiping away tears. Ten was stood up clapping, Lisa looked furious on your behalf and Minnie who happened to be behind TxT was screaming loudly for you. But through it all, you only saw Yeonjun. He was staring at you and when you locked eyes he looked so ashamed and shocked. Like he never quite realised what he'd done to you. You held his eye for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and quickly fixing a smile on your face. You waved to your fans and made your way off stage as if it didn't feel like you were crumbling. You figured you just had to act like that wasn't the biggest moment of your career and should pretend as if nothing happened.

But Yeonjun didn't feel that way. He made an excuse to the staff and rushed backstage to find you. He knocked on your dressing room door and you opened it not expecting to find him there. "Y/n...I need to speak to you" he said. You knew Yeonjun and if he didn't say whatever was on his mind he'd probably explode so you let him in. Luckily he got right to the point.  "Y/n I know I hurt you but I never knew I made you feel that way...I'm so sorry". You blinked at him unsure what to do or say. For so long you thought if he just knew how you felt and apologised you'd be at peace but you weren't. The sorry felt redundant now but it still hurt. So you just shrugged "it happened, it's over now". Yeonjun frowned "but you're still hurting. I can tell, I know you remember". You rolled your eyes "you don't get to tell me you know me!" you said sharply and Yeonjun raised his hands "you're right! I'm sorry. All I meant is I can see in your eyes you aren't happy. You nodded "of course I'm not for so many reasons! You cheated on me for one, with one of my members! A person I have to see practically every day so try healing from that. You put an immovable wedge between me and all my members. A wedge I just made a chasm by singing that solo. A solo everyone loves by the way which is great but also so fucking sad because it's about the worst time in my life and I re-live it every time I sing those words...and the worst part is through all of that I still care about you...and miss you and wonder about you". Yeonjun stared at you unsure what to do. Hearing you still cared about him made him want to leap for joy but the tears running from your cheeks made him realise this wasn't a good thing. "You ruined me Yeonjun" you said softly "and I don't think I'll ever recover from that". Yeonjun frowned "I'm so sorry Y/n" tears filled his own eyes "there's not a day that goes by where I don't regret what I did to you or hate myself for it. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat and I still care about you too. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you and all I can say is I'm sorry". You were crying fully now and Yeonjun's instinct to try and hug you won out. He gently put his arms around you and while at first, you were rigid the moment you smelt his scent you couldn't help it. You were soon crying into his shirt and couldn't stop yourself. You just felt so overwhelmed and your brain was confused, unsure if Yeonjun was still safe or not after all those years of him being your support system. You were too tired to remember to be angry. You were just sad. You stopped crying a while later and Yeonjun sat beside you. He'd given you his jacket at some point and you had some water. You'd been crying so hard you now had hiccups and were trying to get them to stop. "Do you want me to take you home?" Yeonjun asked "or I can order you a taxi if you'd rather not be with me?". You just wanted to go home so you shook your head "let's go". Yeonjun nodded and rushed to grab his stuff. You drove in silence until Yeonjun pulled up outside your apartment. "I know talking about it is painful but I think it could also help you get closure. I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from but I'm worried about you Y/n. You're very pale and skinny, your eyes look tired and if your members are a problem then that's not good for your stress levels. If I can be one less problem I'll do it so if you need me to stand there while you scream or to send angry message then do it". You nodded slightly "I think I need closure and there's one thing that always bugged me...why?". Yeonjun paused as the question he'd always been dreading finally came up. "Why did you cheat on me?" you asked "you always told me it was a mistake you regretted but never explained why you did it in the first place". Yeonjun sighed "it just kind of happened. It had building I guess, Ari used to flirt with me and I'd flirt back encouraging her. I thought there was nothing wrong with it but then it became way too normal and we both got bolder and then that happened. I never planned on doing anything, she was just there and I was tired and lonely it just happened". You weren't sure what you were expecting, some reasonable excuse but that was your answer. He was tired. You almost laughed. "Well let's hope you're on a better sleep schedule now" you replied and got out of the car. You walked away and felt something shift in the universe. Things were about to change. One year later Yeonjun watched you on stage and couldn't believe you were the same person as before. You'd left your company the second you could and hadn't looked back. You signed up at a new company and seemed to be thriving. You performed your song on stage to a screaming crowd and idols singing along. Your debut solo song had done really well and you'd already won 2 awards for it. You looked so much better. You were back to a healthy weight and your smile didn't seem forced anymore. You looked happy and that pleased Yeonjun. That's all he wanted for you. He saw you again that night sandwiched between G-Idle and BlackPink. Yeonjun had noticed how pretty much all the girl groups and several of the boy groups had become friends with you and as you walked several called out to you. Then you paused as you spotted him at the bar. You hesitated and Yeonjun shook his head "you go I'll go later" he said and went to back away but you shook your head. You walked right up to him and took a breath "I need to tell you something". Yeonjun nodded and looked at your expectantly. "I forgive you" you said and Yeonjun's eyes widened "really?". You nodded "I'm in a much better place than last year and I've decided to let go of any of those bad memories or pain. I'm not saying what you did was right...that's not what forgiveness is, but I choose to let go now". Yeonjun nodded "thank you and I'm really happy to see you doing so well. You look...well happy". You nodded "I am, for the first time in nearly 2 years I am". Yeonjun smiled "that's great, you deserve it all". You nodded and moved away. "You okay?" Soobin asked, having observed the whole thing and Yeonjun nodded. For the first time since your breakup, he let out a deep breath he'd been holding because you were okay. You'd recovered from what he'd done to you and his worst fear of him causing you irredeemable damage hadn't come true. You were stronger than the bad he'd done to you. Yeonjun would always carry the weight of what he'd done to you but he was so happy you'd recovered. It was a relief and something he'd always be grateful for. He loved seeing you smile and you were truly thriving, enough to even repair some old friendships. About a month later Yeonjun came back from the bathroom to hear a familiar but sorely missed sound. You laughing. He saw you chatting with Soobin and Huening Kai. You must've somehow found each other at this kpop event and got talking. Soobin said something and Huening hid behind you as you argued back jokingly. He watched the scene and smiled to see you doing so well but then he paused. He felt a much more familiar pang of regret realising this not being normal was all his fault. He'd never gotten over you or been able to move on and he was fairly sure he never would. As if sensing his thoughts Soobin looked up and spotted him. You followed his gaze and met Yeonjun's eye. His breath paused but then you smiled softly and gestured for him to come over. He felt so surprised but also joyful and hurried over. "Hey" he said trying to act casual "what's Soobin done wrong now". Soobin mocked gasped and Huening giggled. You smiled "he was just teasing Huening for his plushies" you told him "he threatened to throw some away". Yeonjun laughed "that would be like torture to Huening!". You nodded "that's what I said" and laughed before you seemed to realise what you were doing. "Well it was really great seeing you again, good night" you called and walked away. Once you'd gone both boys turned to Yeonjun. "You both just stood and had a conversation!" Soobin said. Yeonjun nodded "I know...and it felt amazing". After that, you had several more chats with TxT and Yeonjun. You'd nod to each other at award shows and talk behind the scenes. Yeonjun would sometimes find your friends watching or glaring at him as you did but that was okay. He was so grateful you had them and all they'd done for you so they had the right to be angry at him long after you'd forgiven him. The more he was around you the more he realised he still had feelings for you and that they weren't going anywhere. He hadn't dated anyone in nearly 2 years since you'd broken up and honestly he'd never even thought about it. He knew you were the love of his life and he figured he'd wrecked all of that but now you were talking again he wasn't sure. You still fit together so well and the last time you'd run into each other went to get a coffee and stayed talking for hours. The way you looked at him gave Yeonjun hope things weren't over and so he kept a watchful eye for any hint from you, that you might want something more. When he got it at a party where the two of you found yourselves outside together all night, he went for it. "Y/n I...I never stopped loving you" Yeonjun said and your breath caught in your throat. Yeonjun carried on "I still love you and I know after everything I've got some nerve even asking but is there any way you could give me a second chance? I've learned my mistake I promise, I just want you back". Your heart was hammering in your chest and your brain hurt with all the thoughts processing. When a while passed and you didn't reply Yeonjun prompted you "Y/n?". You took a breath "sorry I just need a minute...I don't know what the smartest thing for me to do is". Yeonjun nodded "I know your brain is probably screaming at you to tell me to suck it but I swear Y/n I will never hurt you like that again. You can trust me and I will prove that to you every single day". You sighed "see I believe you mean that but what if that changes? You never set out to hurt me the first time but Yeonjun I almost didn't survive this. I'm not sure I can take a second one". Yeonjun shook his head "me either which is why you can trust me. I know how badly I messed up and it was the worst time of my life. So no matter what happens I will never let things get that bad. I'll be open and honest with you throughout. Please just give me a chance to show you". You looked at him "please don't hurt me again" and Yeonjun broke. He rushed forward and cradled you against him. "Never" he said kissing your forehead tenderly before looking into your eyes "does this mean...?". His voice wavered and you saw the emotion in his eyes so you nodded. "I still love you too" and you kissed him. Yeonjun had literally dreamed of this scenario for so long that it didn't feel real. He kissed you back, his brain unable to process if his wildest dream was really happening. You were giving him a second chance! When you pulled away you were both laughing and crying at the same time. "I won't let you down Y/n, I swear it" Yeonjun said concentrating so hard he was frowning and you smiled "I know, I trust you" and you did. You could feel the truth in Yeonjun's words and could also feel something else. You weren't sure what it was but something was telling you this was the right thing to do and that your struggles with Yeonjun were over. Your future together was going to be bright. _______

Just to clarify I am in no way saying cheating is something Yeonjun would do! I just wanted to explore a sad storyline with Yeonjun :) 

[persage]

FORGIVEN- Brian Otis Zvonecek

Summary: You and Brian haven't seen each other for months, distanced by pain and resentment, but the past comes back to knock at the door a night like any other (but not without the help of Brett and Joe )

Warnings : Mention of Panic Attack and past abusive relationships

17.30 PM

"For the last time, Sylvie: I don't intend to come at any double date with... her." It's been about ten times that Otis has told her this, yet his friend hasn't stopped pestering him since the morning.

"It's not a double date!" Sylvie replies "You are just coming to the the Street Food Expo  with me, Joe and y/n."

"And I bet it's a coincidence that we are four people and two of us are a couple and then there's me and y/n. If this isn't a double date..." He mutters, shaking his head.

"Come on," She pleads "if you'll come, y/n won't be hanging around me and Joe all the time but at the same time she won't be in danger being alone at home. You know, since she has broken up with that asshole, Marcus, he follows her everywhere. He has even stopped by my apartment a few times, we haven't opened the door but it was scary as hell."

Otis tries to ignore the painful pinch in his chest at the mention of Marcus and the fact that he is now your ex. He tries to stop the anger that boils in his veins at the idea that someone could even think of hurting you. "Right, and you can't ask anyone else?"

This is not how he wants to say it, he doesn't know why words escape his lips like this. "No Otis, I can't and you know it too. You were her best friends, you still are." He shakes his head again, Brett nails him with an accusing look. "Come on, I'm begging you. If you don't want to do it for her, do it for me."

And truth is, Brian would do anything for you.

He has already done it, everything.

He has tired to save you for two years from that toxic and wrong relationship you got yourself stuck into, getting a door in his face and a broken heart in return. When Marcus has forced you to choose one day, you've chosen him.

"I don't even like the expo" He replies but now he's already convinced to come and Brett knows it.

"Pick us up at half past eight, be punctual and..." "But I do not -"

"Be on time and wear something nice, okay? You never know what can happen" After lingering for several seconds and insulting himself with at least fifteen different offensive expressions, in fact, Otis sighs and gives up.

"Alright then."

"Oh thanks!" Sylvie throws her arms around his neck, euphoric

"Thank you, thank you, tha –"

"Let's be clear about one thing, though" he interrupts her without breaking away "first: you owe me a favor, and secondly... You are aware that if this is a move to clarify things between me and y/n it won't work, right?" Brett giggles in amusement, pulling away but still holding him by the shoulders.

"Don't worry Otis, this night is for me not for you."

And Brian doesn't know why, but when Brett leaves a strange feeling pushes between in his chest and throat, something like an itch that he can not soothe. "But if you still want her, I'm sure y/n needs you"

This perhaps makes him feel almost worse.

9.15 PM

Friday night is almost as sacred to you as Christmas to your mother. Although practically everyone thinks of you as a pub girl, you love to spend Fridays at home, on the sofa wearing only a tank top, bra free, with sweatpants, a glass of wine and Marcus by your side back during the good old days, when he still was the guy you fell in love with in high school.

There was another time then when your Friday nights - but also your Saturdays and Tuesdays - were the Mollys.

Brian, to be more specific.

Your Fridays has been Brian at one point. When with Marcus it was all ups and downs, all messed up and sad and pathetic, you have found yourself there more and more, with that sweet, nice fireman you had slept with once, during one of the many breakups with Marcus, and who then somehow had became your best friend.

A friendship you've always  paid dearly for.

A punch once. A kick in the ribs. A glass on the head yet another time. Every time Marcus has remembered that Otis was still  part of your life, it has gotten worse. And you have accepted everything, without saying anything to Brian, because you were sure that if he knew that what you were going through was somehow his fault - of his texts and his calls-  then he would have felt guilty forever and you didn't want to. Also he was going to kill Marcus, and you didn't want that too. He would have tried to save you. Indeed he did it to be honest, after two years of friendship, after two years of lies and subterfuge, after two years in which you swore you had left Marcus so many times.

"It's really over" but then you always came back to him and Brian could only watch you self-destruct in the name of your sick love, of a life you didn't deserve, a man who have convinced you that you're worthless without him.

And that's how you feel now: worthless and pathetic.

Brian has tried to save you, even putting Antonio in the middle and reporting Marcus.

He did it without your knowledge, while you were still unconscious in a hospital bed, after Marcus threw you down the stairs.

A concussion, bruised face, broken rib and arm. Even that wasn't enough to make you give up.

"I fell" You have said to the police, saving his ass again one time.

"You didn't have the right" you have yelled at Brian, later, with an IV still in your body. He couldn't look at your swollen and pale face, he couldn't touch your cold skin. He couldn't accept that the best person he knew, the only woman in the world from whom he had willingly accepted a friend-zone because he would have wanted you in his life in any way, the person he called at the end of every difficult shift and  knew how to calm him like no one else in the world, you, his precious y/n were a mess of bruises, tears and broken bones.

In his heart he blamed himself for everything, because he should have stopped it, he should have killed Marcus, he should have asked you out after your first -and only- night together instead of waiting days just to find you with him again.

He should have understood sooner that he was the right man for you, gathered courage and stepped forward.

Brian could not understand that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

"I can stand up for myself"

"Oh I. see it. Fuck I'm tired of finding you like this, I'm tired of standing still while you let that son of a bitch kill you."

He raised his voice and waved his hands in the air gesturing in a way that for some reason scared you and covered your face to protect yourself.. Your body instinctively reacted to the only thing it knew by now: violence and Brian looked at you with the biggest eyes in the world, scared of himself.. He brought a hand to his face, trying to hide how much that gesture of yours struck him, then he leaned towards you and gently as if you were made of glass, he embraced you.

It was the last time.

When you met again, Brian was at your door. When you met again, you had just discovered that no, he hadn't given up on the Marcus investigation and had continued to put Voight and his bloody cop friends in the middle.

"I did it because I'm your friend y/n fuck"

You opened the door just enough to see his face collapse as you yelled.

"Then maybe you shouldn't be. I don't need you"

It's been four months. Somehow you found the courage to leave Marcus when you saw him try to lay hands on Sylvie, one evening when she came by to see how you were doing. 

You've moved in with her, you've taken your life back in your hands . You've never seen Brian though.

"Hurry up y/n" Brett intimates.

"Take it easy, Joe will surely be late anyway" You reply, putting on your lipstick.

"There's been a change of plans," Syilvie says hastily, pulling on her black boots.

"Joe and Otis will be picking us up in a bit."

"When were you going to tell me he's coming too?" you scream, your voice  high-pitched, smearing lipstick in your cheeks in anxiety. You clean yourself quickly, so hard it feels like you want to peel off your skin and you try not to notice the way your heart has started pounding at the mention of his name.

You tell yourself that you can do it, that it's okay, that you're ready to see him again even if you know it's not true. For a moment a little voice whispers in you ear that you shouldn't go with them, but you can't: the idea of being alone still scares you.

"Please wipe that depressed look off your face" she begs.

"You know what's depressing? The fact that you have invited him because I can't be alone, at my age. It's all so absurd."

You shake your head, trying to smile

"Of all the people in the world you had to invite him? You couldn't invite... I don't know, Kelly? Dawson?" You ask, putting on your favorite jacket at full speed.

"Because he's your best friend and you miss him more than you care to admit and he's the only one you wouldn't be ashamed to tell what Marcus is still doing to you. Besides, I know he's the only one you could bear to spend some time with right now, he's special to you." she replies, bringing out the best of her innocent expressions, while you roll your eyes and just pray that it will end quickly.

You like less and less the fact that deep down you know how right Sylvie is: Brian Zvonecek is without a shadow of doubt the only person in the world who has managed to understand you, he was also the only one to touch the deepest strings of your heart when you thought it was made of stone after all the years with Marcus.

He has crushed your soul in a way no one had before and he did it with kindness and delicacy, without having to do anything more than be himself.

He has taught you to still believe in good people and in true love, the one made of caresses, of sharing, of sweetness.

You've figured it out too late and repaid him treating his like he didn't matter, like he wasn't important.

You know it's his greatest fear, being abandoned, being left behind, being less important to others, being the last wheel in the cart and you hurt him in the worst way.

No matter how much Sylvie and Joe keep telling you that it's not true, that in cases like yours it's a normal reaction, that Marcus has manipulated you for a long time, that Otis doesn't see it that way and that he will understand if you talk to him: you just can't look at his face now.

9.45 PM

"I still don't understand why I can't be in the front sit." Otis mutters, turning to look out the window at the Chicago nightscape.. It's just the beginning of the evening and he's already tired of the palpable tension between you two, he's tired of having to keep his head turned away because he can't bear the sight you, he's tired of feeling your eyes on him.

"Come on man. Sylvie 's my girlfriend it's normal that I make her sit here, Have you ever heard of gallantry?" Otis shakes his head. "Yes right, gallantry"

Sylvie turns towards you, she gives you a look to give you courage but you don't speak, you remain silent, you throw a few glances at Brian from time to time that he doesn't reciprocate and you are here, still, to torture your hands wondering if you should have stayed at home.

He hates you.

He hates you and you can't stand it.

When Cruz's car stops suddenly to avoid colliding with another car you are thrown forward hard. It's an instantaneous gesture, so quick, fast and natural that he doesn't realize it and maybe not even you. Not really.

In a second the fireman's arm is in front of you, as if to protect you, keeping you in your place, avoiding any kind of danger.

You don't even hear Joe and Sylvie's curses, you and Brian are still in your moment, still In the instant in which after so many months your bodies are touching again, and under layers of clothes you can both feel a shiver shaking your bodies .

"Everything Okay?" He asks, his voice shaking, realizing what he's just done. He withdraws his arm slowly, reluctantly. He hates to admit it, but he would like to stay like this forever.

This little contact, it seems enough for him and he feels like a fool.

A poor idiot in love.

You nod. "Everything fine?" You ask, looking directly at his face for the first time. You've missed his dark eyes so much that you can't quantify it in words, so much that the world exists only in his gaze and you wonder how you haven't realized before all this, how wonderful and big his eyes are.

How much you need his gaze on you.

He reciprocates with an intensity that scares you, that doesn't seem real. Marcus has never looked at you like that. Not even once.

Not even at the beginning.

Brian, he has looked at you like that all the time.

If he's still looking at you like that then maybe he doesn't hate you.

But then, as soon as he comes to his senses, his gaze returns hard, cold, distant, all hope is lost.

When the car starts again, he turns around and puts a distance between you two. The world is suddenly colder. He shifts his eyes to you, again and again, being careful not to be noticed.He thinks you are beautiful. He thinks you're beautiful and you seem better off without that asshole.

He can't help but be happy about it.

"It's going to be a long night," Joe murmurs softly.

I'm sure of that too, Otis thinks, still looking at you sideways.

He's never been lucky with love, of course, but with you it's something that goes beyond love, beyond friendship, beyond everything. Something he can't describe or name, but still hurts terribly

10 PM

Brian doesn't hate y/n, at all. He could never, not even when you  have decided to cut all ties. What makes him angry is never being able to fully understand you.

You are a mystery, even though he knows you so well. One second you're a strong and independent woman, the best he knows, the most talented, the liveliest and nicest, the next you're Marcus' puppet, silent at her side, submissive, afraid and dull.

Sure, it's not your fault, but he can't help but get angry to see how you let an ordinary man shut down someone as amazing as you, it angers him to know how little  respect you have for yourself to think you deserve something like this. No matter if it's over, Brian will carry this anger with him forever maybe.

Brett goes out of the car, clutching Cruz's arm, announcing that they're going to go for a walk on their own.

"No" You say instinctively. "I mean, I thought we were supposed to be together." You continue then, hoping you haven't offended Brian.

"We need to discuss something, then we'll catch up with you" Brett replies winking at Otis and walking away before he can reply.

Cruz doesn't know if his friend has the  strength to do it anyway. He is confused and upset to have you here again, Joe knows this and isn't entirely sure of Brett's plan.

"You're crazy" Joe whispers.

"They both need it, I can't take it anymore"

"You realize we're pretending to still be together just for them, Sylvie, you're crazy"  Joe shakes his head.

"it's crazy that those two don't talk to each other anymore"

Brian watches you, the way you bite your nails tense, the way you move your knee, and bite your lip. You are agitated and something more: scared. "Everything Okay?" He asks, his voice hoarse.

"Yes, yes, don't worry, it's just that I haven't imagine a night like this"

"And how have imagined it?" He asks. You shake your head, smile just letting your hair cover your face red with embarrassment.

"I didn't expect to see you Bri, I wasn't ready"And he almost wants to yell at you that you drove him away, and he doesn't need to talk. You know the face he makes when something makes him nervous, recognize it and remain silent. "I think we should go" he says he points to the stalls.. He starts walking then he stops and turns to you.

"I knew you'd be there, but it doesn't make it any easier"

You nod. "I'm sorry, I'd give anything to..."

The words dies in your throat.

"Me too y/n" he replies, hinting for the first time a smile under his mustache that you like so much.

"Come on, let's go get something to eat" he whispers.

You walk behind him.

It's not all solved, but it's a start and for now it already seems almost a miracle.

10.15 PM

You see him everywhere, it takes your breath away.

Marcus is in every shadow, in every man, in every corner and you can't help but tremble with every step you take. Your hands are shaking, your legs are limp and you're breathing hard but you don't want Brian to notice.

Marcus is in your head, just in your fucking head.

"Do you prefer ketchup or barbecue?" Brian turns to you, wallet in his hands, an almost serene expression on his face. It takes you a while to answer, to understand. You remember that you're at the hot dog stand, that everything's fine, that you're talking to Brian and Brett and Joe will be back soon and it'll be even better.

"I ... Nothing" You whisper, your voice trembles, your eyes move from side to side looking for something that can justify your fear, the shiver down your spine.

"You sure? Oh girl that's fool" He comments, giggling. You place a hand on his clutching wallet.

"No Bri, there's no need"

You don't want him to pay. It's not right.

"Look, it's okay. I'm still mad at you, but I'm also happy to be here and it won't make me broke" You don't even smile, you keep looking around you and you feel the air getting heavy, almost oppressive.

"Dude" One of the guys from the truck intervenes."Watch out for your girlfriend, she doesn't seem so well" Otis doesn't bother to say that you're not his girlfriend, he gently pushes you out of line as soon as he realizes you're shaking like a leaf and looking paler than ever.

He hates himself for not noticing it sooner.

"Ei ei y/n, what's going on?" You shake your head.

"it's nothing, it's All Right"

You can't tell him. You can't reopen this wound. Brian would freak out, look for Marcus.

What if... If he is really here?

He would put himself in danger for you, you know he would. You can't let it happen.

"I just need some air" You move away but Brian, quick as lightning, grabs you by the arm.. The gesture takes you back in time, where the hands holding you are not those of the fireman and they are not delicate at all but mean, cruel. You stiffen and Brian realizes it without you having to speak.

He seems to read your mind, he's always been good at it.

"Sorry" he whispers.

"You didn't do anything Bri. I'm not made of crystal, you can touch me"

You start walking again trying to erase the fear from your heart and he stops you after a few seconds, looking you up with his big dark eyes as if the whole world dependeds on you and you alone.

"Don' t look at me like this"

"Tell me what you have then"

You feel the tears tingling in your eyes when yet another shadow takes the form of your ex and feel your chest tighten and you want to die.

"Why? Damn Brian you should hate me! Stop worrying about me, I don't need you"

The man looks away, his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed.

You realize what you've said:

I don't need you.

You take a step towards him and try to grab his hand.

"I...I didn't mean...I" And you wonder how it's possible to mess it all up again so easily.

Otis' hand trembles in anger under your fingers.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"I will never stop worrying about you okay? I've tried and I just can't! It would have been wonderful to do it, to forget about you in a hospital bed bacause of that son of a bitch but there isn't a single, fucking day that I don't think about it and there isn't a day where I don't wonder what I could have done to stop it. And God, there isn't a day that I don't regret not making you fucking leave him earlier. For months I've spent every fucking second wondering how you were doing. So no, it's not about you. It's me. I, I need to know. Tell me what's wrong with you." He raises his voice but Brian doesn't scare you.

Come on, he's different and the way he looks at you... he's not angry, not really, it's something different and maybe worse: disappointed, desperate, scared even.

Terrified of realizing how his life depends on you.

"I see him everywhere" You confess in a faint voice, looking at the ground.

"I see Marcus everywhere and I'm terrified that I won't be able to figure out when he's really there and I'm scared of him, and I'm with you and he hates you so much and I'm scared he might hurt you. To you and the others and me.... I just want to erase him from my life but he's everywhere no matter what.

I left him he's everywhere and he'll never stop" Brian pulls you to him without thinking about it, as if months haven't passed, as if not a single day has passed. He squeezes you tight, you melt into tears with your face against his chest, sobbing like a baby.

"I'm sorry for how I behaved"

"Shhh it's okay, it's okay I know, I know don't worry I'm not angry. I swear it's okay"

He kisses your hair, kisses your forehead and every piece of skin he can reach and you've never felt as much at home as with him now.

"Marcus isn't here, and even if he was I wouldn't let him get near you, ever" This is exactly what scares you, but you don't say it, you don't have the strength.

"I don't deserve it" He shakes his head. "No, you don't deserve it. But I would do it anyway, even if you were the worst person on earth. And you're not" You smile as he slides his fingers through your hair.

"I think that Brett and Cruz have abandoned us"

"Actually, I'm kinda cold and I've never finished Galactica you know? " You confess.

He laughs, just moves away from you.

"You're so full of surprises" He fixes your hair and dries your tears with his tumb.

"Wanna go home?" He asks."

"No, I...God I don't know. I...I want to be with you. It doesn't matter where." You reply. You don't wanna rush things. The smile he gives you is priceless, you would spend hours looking at him like this, perhaps all the rest of your life if possible. You only care about him, the way he gazes at you and is so close, the warmth of his skin and the sparkle in his eyes.

I love you, you think.

I love you, Brian.

The realization falls on you like a Boulder. How can you only notice now?

It has always been so clear.

"Oh, seriously?" Laughs Otis "So how about we take a Taxi?" You nod smiling.

"As I said I need to finish Galactica"

"But you hate Galactica"

"But I love you"

[vanderwoodlings]

fire escape: a dan&vanessa playlist (x)

Tracklist and commentary under the cut:

1. “We’re Going to Be Friends,” The White Stripes. Here we are, no one else/We walk to school all by ourselves is definitely the specific line that made this one for them as little kids need to be here—there’s a very specific way that Dan and Vanessa’s friendship involves (but quietly and unacknowledged) their family bullshit

2. “Kids In The Dark,” All Time Low. They left alone, the kids in the dark/To burn out forever or light up a spark

3. “You Get What You Give,” New Radicals. This whole damn world could fall apart/You’ll be okay, follow your heart/You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind/Now say you’re mine

4. “Little Cellist,” Bears In Trees. Hmmmm yeah I think they’re a little fucked in the head

5. “Walk Backwards,” Maude Latour. We’re still early days, here, little fourteen year olds who haven’t quite had anything go wrong with them yet and so they’re orbiting closer and Dan hasn’t really noticed that Vanessa’s got a crush and neither of them know it’s a bad idea

6. “Bruises,” Reneé Rapp. …but the truth is I bruise easily/And sure I’m down to be the joke/Metaphorically though.

7. “Prodigal,” David Wirsig. In the beginning we were banished/Then we stoked the fires/And scrapped our songs for salvage. The thing is, like, Dan craves acceptance by the cool kids even as he holds up his pretentiousness as a shield and Vanessa is an outsider who wants people to meet her where she is and accept her

8. “Forgive Me Friend,” Smith & Thell feat. Swedish Jam Factory. This kind of tracks us into s1: And I, I promised that we would never change/That you and me would always stay the same/How I let you down

9. “That’s What Friends Are For,” Dionne Warwick, Elton John. Keep smilin’, keep shinin’/Knowin’ you can always count on me for sure/That’s what friends are for/For good times and bad times

10. “Old Friends,” Pinegrove. …Significant amounts of this playlist may be bitchy. Maybe I should have gone out a bit more/When you guys were still in town/I got too caught up in my own shit

11. “Platonic Cuddling,” Breakup Shoes. But significant parts are also sweet! Lovely day to watch the clouds race/Lovely day, nothing I would change

12. “You’re My Best Friend,” Queen. They are. So stupid for repeatedly trying to date. I love them

13. “Give It Up,” I Fight Dragons. The UES is a seductive kind of hell. Give it up for human nature/Give it up now, bit by bit.

14. “Misfit,” High Dive Heart. I know people say that you’re a misfit/But that’s the thing I like about you

15. “Everything I Had,” Sub-Radio. And sometimes you grow apart and you don’t want to admit that things are falling apart and here you are anyway

16. “Youth,” Daughter.

17. “I’ve Been Over It,” Geowulf. Time and time again, my head just wants to find a reason why/I needed another lesson in choosing who to give my heart. Wherein you date the guy

18. “Grow Up and Be Kids,” The Cab. But it’s still gone.

19. “Dial Tones,” AS IT IS. All we ever share are dial tones

20. “Twins,” The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I didn’t mean to let you down/And now I know everything that’s good is gone

21. “I’m Not Calling You A Liar,” Florence + The Machine. I’m not calling you a liar/Just don’t lie to me

22. “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” Johnny Cash with June Carter Cash. Go away from my window/Leave at your own chosen speed/I’m not the one you want, babe/I’m not the one you need

23. “When We Were Writers,” Indigo Girls. This… might’ve been the first song on here? Idk the sense of artistic nostalgia just worked so very Correctly with their vibe

24. “Sober Up,” AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo. Won’t you help me sober up/Growin’ up, it made me numb/And I wanna feel somethin’ again. And we have arrived in early s4!

25. “Quarrel,” Moses Sumney. I love Moses Summey btw. Everyone should just go check him out. Quoting this as a quarrel so immorally implies/We’re equal opponents and we both antagonize

26. “i hope ur miserable until ur dead,” Nessa Barrett. She can be a little evil. As a treat. I hope you be yourself and lose your friends/I hope they call you out for shit you said/I hope you’re miserable until you’re dead

27. “Somebody That I Used To Know,” Gotye, Kimbra. But then she gets completely written off the show so… ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

28. “Please Leave A Light On When You Go,” fun. How do you fix something/That you can’t touch without hurting?/The lesson you’ve learned is leaving you dumb/Please leave a light on when it’s done

29. “Call Off Your Ghost,” Dessa. We’ve lived too close for too long

30. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” Stars. I put this one one the Vanessa playlist, thinking about her and Dan, and I knew I was going to end with it the moment I started this one—it’s kind of both the best and most tragic ending for them, to me, saying ‘I’m not that person anymore’

[msmargaretmurry]

Connor x Dylan “long time no see”

for some reason this title is giving short fic energy — well, short for me, so like, a tight 10–15k or whatever, lmao. a bittersweet little fic set in Our Current Tragic Era of mcstrome, over the course of a few days at an all-star game.

because where else is there to stick them together for several days in a row when they wouldn't do that voluntarily? obviously connor is going to be sent to every all-star game until he dies. until recently dylan was at a point of resignation trying to accept that he was never going to be great, but then he got a real shot in dc, and things have completely turned around. the asg's not somewhere warm and balmy, so ovi does the thing where he gets mysteriously lightly injured right before all-star weekend so he can take the family to a nice tropical island or wherever instead, so the league taps dylan as his replacement. dylan's been having a really good season, but he still wasn't expecting it. he's still in a daze about it when the jet touches down in toronto.

he knows some guys at the game, obviously, but it's still intimidating. he's twenty-six years old; he thought he was over being intimidated by big-name players, but all of them in one place? woof. it's a lot. but everyone's very nice and welcoming and it's just — it's really cool. it's really, really cool. dylan's parents are there, a bunch of local friends and family are there, and he is finally starting to not feel like a failure.

but also connor is there. dylan knew he would be. connor's parents are there. dylan figured they would be, but he hasn't seen them in so long, he kind of hopes he doesn't run into them. it would be kind of awkward, now that he and connor aren't close anymore. it's not like he and connor are totally estranged or anything. even recently, when their relationship has come up in interviews, dylan has said they're still friends, because there was never, like, a breakup or a falling out or a hard stop. they're just not close the way they used to be. they don't hang out; they rarely text. their careers put physical space between them and it turned into every other type of space, too. there was a while when dylan thought, perhaps uncharitably, that he wasn't worthy of connor's friendship anymore, when he was several years into his pro career and barely clinging to an nhl roster spot and connor was already winning trophies. maybe he hasn't quite shaken that feeling. but, hey. they're at the same all-star game now. dylan earned his stop here just like everyone else.

they run into each other early on, navigating the media day festivities. the capitals social person trailing dylan asks to snap a picture of them together and they dutifully pose and smile, and afterward connor claps him dylan on the arm and says, "hey, let's grab a drink at some point while we're here, eh?" while leaves dylan feeling so off-balance, because it's not something connor the teenager would have ever done.

anyway, all-star weekend stuff, blah blah blah, stuff happens, they don't really see each other again until the skills comp. they both do the accuracy shooting and neither of them win but dylan gets a better score by like .4 seconds and is quietly extremely proud of himself for it. he mostly hangs out with the other metro division guys on the ice but he's so aware of where connor is all the time that it's kind of painful. the only time he's been around connor for more than a few minutes in years has been while playing against him, and he forgot what it's like, just being near him.

the thing is, it's really weird, knowing there's someone out there in the world who knows every single thing about you from a certain period in your life, who you know everything about from that same period, but the current versions of yourselves are practically strangers. it makes dylan feel strangely vulnerable.

they do get that drink, but not on purpose — they just wind up at the same club. teenage connor could barely stand clubs, but adult connor seems comfortable enough. not at home, exactly, but he doesn't look like he wants to bolt. he's sticking close to draisaitl, like he has been the whole weekend, and dylan thinks, perhaps uncharitably, that maybe he's not so different now — he's just found someone else to attach himself to. but when they both go for refills at the same time, they start chatting, and it's a little awkward at first, but then it gets easier, and then suddenly they've been talking for like half an hour, and, yeah, maybe the alcohol is helping, but there's this feeling in dylan's chest that's like his insides are unravelling with relief that they can still have a conversation. they can chat about their families, their seasons so far, about funny moments from the skills comp today. they lean against the bar watching their colleagues making fools of themselves dancing and stuff, heads together, elbows bumping, and it's almost like it used to be, when wherever they went they would carve out a space for just the two of them.

"hey," connor says at one point, touching the knuckles of his drink hand to the knuckles of dylan's drink hand. "i'm glad you're here. you deserve it."

the thing is, connor was the first boy dylan ever kissed. dylan was the first person connor ever kissed, period. they never did more than that, but that doesn't mean dylan never thought about it or never wanted it. there were plenty of complicated reasons why things never went further, back then. but now he's thinking about how many firsts connor has to have had with so many people since they left erie that are none of dylan's business, and how connor keeps looking at dylan's mouth and his hands instead of meeting dylan's eyes. he has the exact same nervous tics as he did when he was seventeen.

"do you want to get out of here?" dylan asks.

so they go back to dylan's hotel room and have sex. it's kind of awkward and kind of surreal but mostly it's sweet and soft and good. dylan feels very grown up, deciding he can handle one night of this and never have it again. they doze a little bit afterward, but connor does go back to his own room instead of spending the night.

dylan spends the whole next day trying to figure out how he feels about it. does he regret it? he doesn't think so, but maybe it just hasn't hit him yet. it didn't feel like the start of something, but it didn't feel like the end of something either. connor doesn't text, but then again dylan doesn't text him, either. they're in separate locker rooms for the game that night; the metro advances but the pacific doesn't, and then the metro loses to the central for the all-star title, so it's not like either of them come away with bragging rights. but it's fine — it's fun. dylan has fun playing in the all-star game. on the flight home, he goes back on the capitals' twitter account and finds that picture from the other day of him and connor at media day and posts it to his insta story. connor likes the story. the end.

[shippyboi]

Final thoughts on season 3,

Spoilers ahead but here is my rating of the season, spoiler free

7.5/10. I actually liked it a lot. A few things bothered me but overall a good season with mostly good cast development

Well Despite me thinking the kahlopatra breakup was going to be horrific, it was deserved. I actually really like Cleo AND Frida's development. And they are obviously getting bsck together. I mean cmon "i know enough people" hand hold. They're so back 😭.

And Confuscious/Joan is genuinely super sweet. Their kiss in the bus. I felt real chemistry. And joanfk fans don't stone me, but it's on par to me with Joan and JFK's moment in the og season. Speakinh of JFK, I'm enjoying his struggle with who he is. Sure it's kinda fuckin silly but him wanting more than just being a piece of ass is funny and engaging.

Now. Here are my less positives: I liked the bleacher creatures but they got zero to no development, which i can overlook since introduction season. However, I think Joan throwing them under the bus is fucked up. Like man, I get it they're outcasts but they did have your back while everyone else left you in the damn dust cmon now.

I don't like them just kinda, ignoring Topher's previous crush on Joan and him being sexist? Like, i know Topher got a grand total of like, four lines 💀 but it felt lazy.

Abe was a pain in the ass, still self centered and still only worried about getting his ween wet. Though, his friendship with JFK is nice, but it's still very. Weird. JFK did fuckup in that friend context too, but in his case he's self discovering and Abe just wants him to do what Abe wants for his own sake. I know he comes around by the end but i still dislike it, generally.

The whole Mary and Abe and Joan conflict. BOOOOOO. Listen, I am not the biggest Joan fan, I like her enough, but Joan was right. In that entire context. Also pushing Joan/Abe. BOOOOO. like seriously bro, she saved your sad pathetic life and i wish she hadn't because if you're stupid enough to know if you fuck Mary, you die, and still want it. Then just give the man what he fuckin wants.

I had a love/hate with Scudworth's backstory. I also wasn't razzed at how Joan was hated for the first half, It felt excessive i guess?

Even though I bitched, a lot. I still actually love the season. It had strong ass moments that made up for stuff that is kinda always in clone high. Like joan/abe has been like this since the dawn of time, Abe has always been an annoying bastard.

But they developed the cast. Especially Cleo and Frida. I genuinely love both their development. As well as Confucius! Harriet had a bit of a mixed bag. Also the stuff with the guys name I can't spell was fuckin stupid. But her and Joan acknowledging their faults and still being friends? I mean that's nice. It is.

So those are my thoughts on Clone High season 3. It was good. Maybe not what everyone wanted but hell I liked it.

[this-strange-obsession]

Rant #4002746 (post-rant note: this is pretty lengthy boys and I’m not sorry bc it needs to be said)

(God I rant too much about this comic, but honestly this is the only place I can do that)

Okay, so, once again seeing a fairly common opinion among the fandom which I don’t agree with, so you all know what time it is!! That’s right! Another of my stupid piping hot takes!!

This episode is the result of the idea that Jekyll deserves all the hate and that he’s the bad guy in the story, blah blah blah. I know, I know, I’m just defending him because I relate to him to an alarming degree, BUT. I also think that everyone forgets that the rest of the characters we see in TGS aren’t exactly saints either.

I saw someone else point this out, but I didn’t know if everyone forgot or decided to ignore it, but Robert said some shitty stuff to Jekyll. And the thing is, he didn’t even do it as a one-off thing. I’ve warmed up to Robert, but I still don’t entirely like him. The biggest thing is obviously the whole breakup scene. And we could argue here that Jekyll interpreted incorrectly, HOWEVER. While Lanyon himself didn’t recite verbatim what was said, he still admitted it was “venomous” and he was lashing out.

Idk who needs to hear this, because it’s a very important thing to remember irl we tend to forget, but somebody taking their anger/stress out on their partner- physically OR verbally- IS NOT OKAY. In ANY situation.

It is NOT excusable. Regardless of the fact Lanyon was breaking up with Jekyll, especially BECAUSE he was breaking up with Jekyll, he has no right to yell or berate his partner the way he did. That’s the whole theme of this comic- not understanding how to communicate in a healthy way. It’s not just a problem Jekyll has and everyone is forgetting that.

You are allowed to be emotional in that scenario. You are allowed to be angry. But you have to understand how to feel angry in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody, whether that’s you or the people around you. You collect your thoughts beforehand, and at least somewhat try to articulate what you want to say. You blend the emotion with the logic, not just rid yourself of one or the other.

Lanyon did none of that. He was kind of self-destructing and in doing so, he pierced Jekyll with stray shrapnel. That was so not okay. And that’s me getting upset over the general description of the breakup. The fact that Lanyon essentially told Jekyll he was expendable?? Absolutely not. No. I was LIVID when I read that.

I don’t give a fuck, Lanyon in that moment was a piece of shit, and I hate him for it. And I’m even paraphrasing here, the actual quote was something closer to, “why would anybody give up their future prospects for someone like you?” OH MY FUCKING GODDD. “SOMEONE LIKE YOU?” “SOMEONE LIKE YOU????” OH HELL NO.

That’s not even touching on the fact that we can assume from how Jekyll described everything, this was his first gay relationship. This was the first time he acted on his “sinful desires.” And the way it ends is like this?

Once again, I relate to Jekyll a painful amount, and while it didn’t go exactly like this, it threw me back to the last argument me and my best friend had. Our relationship was… complicated. We liked each other, but it always seemed to be off. They would get into a relationship when I was acknowledging my feelings, and when I was repressing them, my best friend would starting pursuing me. At one point, we had a sort of unspoken thing going on where we both understood our feelings and we were VERY obviously gay for each other and even got a little too touchy for “just two good friends” frequently. But we never made it official. Over the last few months of the friendship, they became more distant and withdrawn. I confronted them about it, we had a huge and messy argument, and they said some really uncalled-for things. I have really bad mommy issues (TM), and they said something that really crossed the line.

I know I was no saint during our friendship or the argument, but jesus christ, there are just some things you should never say to people. And the fact that it was my closest friend and first queer crush/situationship(?) who said it? Of course I developed trust issues and trouble communicating my true feelings, like??

..Idk that just hit a nerve and I hate that people act like either of them are the victim. Again, I’m not saying Jekyll is completely innocent, but he’s also not completely guilty.

It’s not even JUST the breakup scene I hate. Lanyon is STILL kind of an asshole and enables Jekyll’s whole glass scientist complex. During the ball (I can’t remember the reason for it exactly, I think it was just for keeping appearances and connections.) when Jekyll was having horrible hallucinations and acting completely unlike himself, all Lanyon did was reinforce that idea that Jekyll just needs to pretend like he’s someone he isn’t.

If y’all don’t remember, Jekyll ran outside in the middle of the party because he was seeing a lot of disturbing shit and Moreau’s ghost grabbed him. When Lanyon found him, Jekyll was fervently babbling about Moreau following and judging him because he knows Jekyll’s “rotten on the inside.”

So how does Lanyon console him? He just starts his spiel about how it doesn’t matter if Jekyll is actually rotten on the inside, as long as he’s decent on the outside.

BRUH, I’M—

AHHHHHHHHH

..ehem..

I KNOW he immediately backpedals by saying Jekyll is the most decent guy he knows, but in that context, in Jekyll’s eyes, he was interpreting that as, “you are the most OUTWARDLY decent guy I know.” So that did jack-shit for Jekyll’s sanity because as much as Lanyon could have meant it about his personality, he didn’t execute it very well!?

There’s other little things I hate about him, such as the whole thing where instead of just fucking asking for an open and honest conversation, he goes behind Jekyll’s back and snoops in his office for answers. The thought of asking only occurs to him after this when Lucy points it out.

Idk, I like Lanyon as a character, I do- it’s just that I feel like we let him off the hook far too easily anytime he says or does something wrong just because he’s doing what he thinks is best for Jekyll.

There are better ways to go about supporting someone you care about. And it’s driven home a thousand times over that healthy communication is not a phrase these idiots have in their vocabulary, but I guess that keeps going way over some people’s heads and it’s been so goddamn frustrating seeing them drag Jekyll for things OTHER FUCKING CHARACTERS DO.

[septembersghost]

What do you think about Harry as a bf? I am sure he is a nice guy and strives to have good friendship post breakup. However, he seems very flaky unemotional type of boyfriend. Like, I thought Olivia was his really serious relationship. We don't know what happened but what bothers me is that he looks unaffected. It is very jarring for me. It is the reason I never took haylor seriously. He just doesn't seem emotionally invested. At that time, I thought he was not that serious about Taylor but now with Olivia too after 2 years???

i don't think we have enough information on this to make any kind of real judgment, in all honesty. the issues with taylor i feel are fairly clear in both of their music - to quote a friend, "they loved each other, they just didn't love each other right." they were never on the same page with when they wanted to fully commit, so it became that back and forth situationship, and they were VERY young, harry was still figuring things out, and taylor was struggling quite a bit and keeping it hidden or suppressed, and when she wanted him to stay, he didn't, and when he was ready to be serious, it was too late. (he skewers the idea of flaky, unemotional boyfriends on the very song entitled that, i think he's aware of making those mistakes. "to boyfriends everywhere, f**k you" certainly said it. and i think sometimes he can even be overly sensitive, which also shows up repeatedly in his lyricism.) as she said: miscommunications. you're not sure and i don't know. also, the outside pressure had to have been horrible for two young people who just wanted to work out how to be in love without the media's judgment, the cameras following their every move, and the endless harassment from certain sections of fans...it wasn't only about them, it was also the band, it was also the already weighty feeling of hugeness that came along with being taylor swift™ that she now depicts as the monster on the hill. they could never fully be only themselves, so instead they had all that shaky ground and uncertainty and running through the woods. there was never a chance for them to be solid enough to flourish, so it's always a what-if.

in regards to olivia, tbf i just think it ran its course? like prolonged getaway car. that sounds too mean, but the circumstances that brought them together weren't great, and they're at very different life stages (NOT because she's older, which i don't think is a big deal at all. but she does have her children to consider, and she seems to be passionate about her directing career, and that does require more stability and probably a lot more time in LA, and being on a world tour then makes figuring out how to even see one another difficult). they have different priorities. i also feel...that the over-the-top vitriol of the dwd press was extremely stressful and a fracture point. that was distressing to me as a relatively impartial observer, i cannot fathom what it would be like to have to try and exist as the focus of it. that had to have been too much. it would be too much for anyone unless you're absolutely rock solid and plan to be together for life.

what he wrote musically following the taylor breakup feels heartbroken to me. with olivia right now, if he seems unaffected, it's probably a mix of things. he's a performer, he turns "on" that upbeat attitude onstage (and it's an instant serotonin boost, part of what makes performing both wonderful and sometimes damaging/dangerous for people), he's not going to mope about his breakup in front of stadiums, but also, it may be that he realizes this was for the better. and sometimes, even if it's lousy and sad, if something ends for the better, you can feel a sense of lightness. sometimes very passionate things that are short (or crash and burn) can be more painful than something long-term that fades out gradually.

i had a message about this that i didn't answer bc i didn't feel right digging into it, but idk a lot about his other romantic history except camille, and from interviews/comments given around the fine line release, he was quite wounded by that one too. i think he was actually more serious/invested there than maybe she even was. sadness suffuses that album, and some self-reflection/criticism too.

it feels unfair (not you! just in general!) to judge or say he's not affected or not trying. it's different obviously because sexism plays a role in the nasty hatred and negative public treatment that taylor got for years for her breakups, but even so, i hesitate to do that to anyone else, regardless of gender. sometimes things don't work! and you try and they can't be fixed. it's just life, and people. love for people who aren't splashed all over magazines and having invasive questions posed by strangers and selling out stadiums is complicated! fame has to impact that many times over.

the thing for me, is, i don't believe that every comment (outside his romantic endeavors) made about him as a human being could be untrue, and all of them (and there are MANY) are consistent, and describe his thoughtfulness and basic nature in the same way, that kindness doesn't come across as fake. i think about the story of him cleaning up broken glass on the dance floor, it's an anecdote, but it's one of many that are all the same. it's also like...i see "weird" used in a derogatory way towards him a lot, and i don't love that! because being weird/quirky/esoteric doesn't make you not a good person! (not to mention the inane qbaiting debate and negation of his mspec identity which i cannot begin to get into rn. the internet is unnecessarily mean.) the fact that he does continue to be nice/respectful and try to maintain those friendships says a lot as well.

basically, i think it's complex, and humans are multifaceted, and relationships not working out is sometimes simply a part of life. harry just hasn't found whoever the right person is yet. and he's still young, he's only 28. he probably has some growing up left to do. there's plenty of time.

[teethpaste]

Diary time!!!! Last two weeks were bananas. I went to Ireland to see my family for 13 days and feel so refreshed. The holidays kind of sucked since it’s the first Xmas since my dad died but it was nice to spend it with my extended family. Completely eternal sunshine of the spotless minded the guy that was supposed to come in January. It was too hard to keep him in some imaginary box, hoping maybe we’d get our timing right at some point in the future. I’ve known him for almost 4-5 years and this was our second time trying to get it right and it didn’t happen. It felt painful with the things he promised me and said he wanted. I figured he was probably sleeping around which was fine but I didn’t think he would start genuinely dating before our meet up.. since we were planning to meet up. I really thought this was gonna get to be the time we gave it a shot. I thought we communicated well but clearly not. Sounds cheese to say I felt a little heartbroken. I am big dumb idiot romantic at heart and put so much stock into it. I don’t wanna wonder about him forever, so I guess I have to forget.

Got on a dating app and since I’ve been back it’s been a whirl wind. Online dating is a wasteland but it’s been fun getting out there. Last night a guy came up to me while I was grabbing a drink and we started talking. He was so polite and he is 6’5!!!! He asked for my # and then texted me today giving me options to choose from with different date/time/activity. It sounds so simple but my bar has been in HELL so having a man pursue me in a nice way, follow up the next day with a message and a proposed date far enough in advance?? And gave me options??? I am genuinely looking forward to just getting to know him a lil bit. We are getting coffee and pastries at this cute bakery here. It’s by the cemetery so I hope we can go on a walk there but it’s supposed to rain. We shall see.

Anyways I still want to focus on me this year. Pour into my hobbies. My friendships and my job. Outside of the 6’5 man I’ve gone out with two others I met in the wild and have 3 asking to hangout but I am protecting my me time and not entertaining dumb men that can’t bother to make a plan. Like sure sex is a fun prospect and added bonus but at least pretend to get to know me first ???? I just want connection. We will say what form that takes. It just feels nuts to have all this attention after I didn’t get on apps following my breakup and was literally only talking to the pen pal. My how things change.

Bye bye now!

[vizthedatum]

The Furious Incineration After the Betrayal in Over a Decade of Friendship (2024)

(You can read the poem, stylized, on Instagram here) --

Over a fucking decade, I loved you so much,

A friendship I thought would never end.

But let me get to my long-winded point, entirely in touch:

You're a nightmare dressed as a best friend.

You spiral into self-centered chaos, completely unhinged,

Undiagnosed on purpose, dysregulated, and selfishly toxic.

Your love – a performance barely fringed,

Your actions: privileged and catastrophic.

And you, you privileged piece of trash,

Threw away my rent check on a whim.

February 2023, a Texas visit's shame,

My March rent-check envelope stamped, ready to mail,

To support your breakup, I loyally came.

You insisted on driving me to the post office under a "caring" veil.

"Can't you pay online?" you had scoffed with disdain.

I explained my landlady's old-school ways,

So you offered to drive, a kindness feigned in vain,

Exposing a ruse that would haunt me for countless days.

You spiraled about some random guy's digital interface,

A dating app match, now probably long forgot.

You handed me your phone, and I negotiated dates with grace,

While you "mailed" my check - or so I thought.

Later, my landlady called, rent check not received,

My world upended, stability gone.

You gaslit, denied, and shamelessly deceived,

Our friendship? I realized too late, forever done.

That hellish March week, more trauma piled high,

My autistic mind in overdrive with absolutely no rest or respite.

Job-hunting, side-hustling, barely getting by,

Defenses low and then raped by my girlfriend's husband,

who wanted to keep both of us oppressed.

Meltdowns erupted, friendships crumbled fast,

Regret still stings for bonds I couldn't save.

My soul subdued in a nightmarish cast,

Leaving me trapped in a mental enclave.

Doctor by title, fraud by nature's decree,

Prestige and parental pressure, seemingly your only guides.

Your stethoscope: deaf to humanity,

Your prejudice and arrogance, amongst your masked bedside manner, slip through the divides.

Homophobic jokes, transphobic sneers abound,

Your racism: a festering, putrid stain.

You scorn the homeless, curse Spanish translators around,

In Texas, where diverse tongues have rightful domain.

"My dad died," your perpetual battle cry,

In your twisted Struggle Olympics game.

Others' traumas you readily deny,

You wear your grief like a badge of fame.

Remember December 2022? My new start's light?

After fleeing violence, homelessness at bay.

You saw my progress on Facebook and felt small in spite,

Your insecurity, a trait you don’t want to work on, on full display.

Eighteen hundred, given in secret shame,

A donation hidden from all your kin.

Did you tell them of my hardships' claim?

Or was your silence another sin?

You donated, not through GoFundMe my friends did create,

But a private transaction known to few.

While I was healing in a fragile state,

You called, complained, then demanded anew.

"How can I help?" you asked, two-faced and sly,

After indirectly begging for your donation's return.

"Share my GoFundMe," I said with a sigh,

You refused, lest your image burn as much as your fake "concern."

Months later, after your own breakup's toll,

I came to support you despite my pain.

My mother hospitalized and sick, even with her abusive control,

Yet I showed up for you, my own healing on hold again.

Three grand returned, a move born of pride,

To pay you back for a decade of false gifts.

No mention of my love, my gifts, or the times I tried.

Our friendship reduced to monetary transactions and rifts.

You, with your wealth and family support,

Couldn't see beyond your gilded cage.

While I struggled, of poverty the sort,

You wallowed in your entitled rage.

"I need a new car!" you whined and cried out,

Your newer model still running just fine.

A week later, my junker gave out,

With the duct-taped trunk and bad alternator, another pitiful sign.

You spiraled endlessly, used us all,

Friends and family – your pseudo-shrinks.

Your empathy, superficial and small,

As fragile as fine china that clinks.

I tried to explain, to bare my soul's plight,

About poverty, violence, being trans.

"What would you do if you were at zero?" I asked outright,

"I'd never let that happen," you grandstand.

You criticized me at my lowest low,

Complaining about your petty demands.

Yet you sought out my empathy, as though

I had the strength to meet your reprimands.

Your love was never real, just a façade,

A transaction, a way to feel good.

You couldn't handle my unmasked guard,

My autism and my queerness, all misunderstood.

Boundaries crossed, jokes soured with time,

Your "straight" identity, a flimsy shield.

Unwanted and attempted kisses, weird sexual comments sublime,

Our friendship's trust, broken before your betrayal was revealed.

"HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT LUXURY APARTMENTS?"

you unironically screamed,

As if that knowledge would save my life.

A simple package delivery seemed

To spark a battlefield of classist strife.

I regret the money, the time, the love,

I poured into our poisoned, toxic well.

You gaslit me, pushed and shoved,

Our friendship – a personal hell.

How many times must I be let down?

How many friendships will turn to dust?

Now, I reevaluate each bond around,

Searching for those I truly can trust.

We connected once, didn't we?

Bengali-American, in healthcare's fold.

But your self-absorption set us free,

Left me questioning all we once told.

Remember your undergrad roommate's baseless rage,

When I came out as bisexual in college?

I thought you were my defender sage,

Now I see through that false memory as merely symbolic.

She insinuated I took advantage,

When I wasn't flirting, not at all.

You were the one who caused damage,

Your fake flirting, because "that's what friends do,"

a confusing call.

Behind my back, your whispers flew fast:

"Worried about you," you falsely claimed.

Gossip masked as concern, unsurpassed,

Our friendship, forever stained and maimed.

Both Bengali, both Cornell alum, both of this Earth,

You, secure; I, in financial strife.

Your Brahmin name: a *castely* crown only given at birth,

Claiming Hinduism purity while you live a disdainful life.

We both have degrees in healthcare's realm,

But our paths couldn't be more diverse.

Your privilege a cushion at the helm,

While I fought for every cent, every verse.

Here's some pettiness, from me to you, served ice-cold:

I fought my way into direct admission.

You transferred, your struggle untold,

Your Ivy League dreams, a late addition.

Conservative, fascist values unchecked,

Your world view narrow and small.

I give honesty, which you reject:

While you only beckon judgment's call.

You say you don't recognize me anymore,

As if that's some kind of sin.

Do you know the honor of what I bore?

The vulnerability that lies within?

You think I'm crazy, unhinged, splintered,

For writing this, for being direct.

But this is me, raw and unfiltered,

My neurodivergence deserves respect.

So here we are, at the bitter end,

A decade of friendship turned to ash.

I'm angry, hurt, but I'll transcend

Your entitled, spoiled backlash.

To my ex-friend, I bid adieu,

Your cowardice and cruelty laid bare.

I'll heal, I'll grow, I'll start anew,

While you spiral in your self-made lair.

Fuck you, for the millionth time, I say,

For the pain you've caused, the trust you've broken.

I'm done with your gaslighting display,

These are among the last words to be spoken.

No more chances, no more pain to bear,

This poem seals our story's end.

May you wake up, heal, and become aware,

But I won't be there, my former best friend.

--

Rose the artist formerly known as she her Pri

~ গোলাপ্রী