#he's tough for me to write though so i wanted to challenge myself

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM Hallucination Booklet Translation pt.1 (Yamanaka and DECO*27 Interview)

Context: This interview was from a booklet handed out at the MILGRAM Hallucination live show on the 21st January 2024 (if you want a copy you can buy it here) This translation was made possible by the generosity of @maxpawb sharing images of his booklet with me This translation is mostly my own, but @maristelina helped me with some sections. Now without further ado:

Q.01 Introduce Yourself. I'm Takuya Yamanaka. I'm the creator/planner/screenwriter for MILGRAM. I'm DECO*27. I work as the music producer for MILGRAM. I like Hatsune Miku.

Q.02 What reactions from the guards have been the most surprising so far? Yamanaka: There are a lot of guards that were born overseas, aren't there? Even though it's created with rather Japanese sensibilities, overseas audiences didn't seem to mind at all. Though the countries and sensibilities are different than what I anticipated, votes have become more multifaceted, it's very interesting, isn't it? DECO: To forgive or not forgive the prisoners what do you do, whether it goes as you expected or the result turns out to be quite the opposite, its fascinating. Maybe your nationality affects the kind of criteria you use to make judgements? I've been thinking about something like that.

Q.03 Is there anything you didn't imagine would happen at the start of the trial? Yamanaka: I didn't write it with a large overseas audience in mind, because from the start I wasn't worrying about popularity at all, I simply didn't think I'd be watching over so many guards. Milgram was developed as a more underground project, but it's popularity is a good surprise, isn't it. DECO: There were more people who got into MILGRAM without already caring about my music than I imagined, it was surprising. I feel like MILGRAM has spread further beyond than what I thought it would. I'm very grateful!

Q.04 So far, what's made you the happiest? Yamanaka: Everything. As a creator it brings me great joy to see a work that existed in my mind, take shape and be enjoyed by so many people. Other than that, because I also love the characters I've birthed, seeing all the guards talking about them and sharing their thoughts, both positive and negative, has to be the best feeling. DECO: It makes me happy to see lots of people analysing the meanings I put in my songs! The theories get pretty close to the truth too, I think... the power of all the guards is really cool.

Q.05 So far, what has been the most challenging? Yamanaka: Because I have to change the script in accordance with the audience's decisions, I can't create the entire story in advance. Furthermore, as of the second trial, there aren't only individual character storylines, the prisoner's verdicts begin to emerge and they influence each other. That is to say, I can't start writing until after everyone's results are out. Willingly subjecting myself to doing something this unreasonable, is what I feel is difficult for me. But because DECO*27 is also going through the same hell, we're holding on to some semblance of sanity. DECO: The story changes in accordance to all the guards' choices, and the music has to be written to match. I think this is harder for Yamanaka-P, who writes the script, than it is for me... But though its tough, I feel its really worthwhile, It makes me really happy to be able to communicate with everyone through my songs!

Q.06 Do you have any regrets like "I wish I had done it differently back then!"? Yamanaka: I've thought it over quite carefully, but there's nothing in particular. I think everyone involved in the project is giving it their all and its a really passionate environment. DECO: Nope! I've been able to put all the things I've thought of into my songs.

Q.07 Which prisoners are the easiest to write dialogue/music for? Yamanaka: If I had to pick one, it'd be Fuuta. He's the type of person that's pretty easy to write because his brain never shuts up. Other than him, Yuno and Shidou are relatively academic kids in theory, so they're easy to write because they're very clear when it comes to what they want to convey. [TL note just because its funny, the idiom Yamanaka uses is lit. "There is barking in the inside [of Fuuta's] head] DECO: It went smoothly for all of them!

Q.08 Which prisoners are the most fun to write dialogue/music for? Yamanaka: Muu's lines were the very fun to write~. I'm fascinated by her approach to life and can't help but envy how fun it must be to behave like that. Yuno and Amane are my runners up. I enjoy writing the kinds of characters who plainly state their ideas and speak eloquently. DECO: Mahiru! From the start writing about the relationships between men and women has been what you might call my forte, its enjoyable to make. I feel like this is also why I find Yuno easy to write for.

Q.09 Which prisoners are the hardest to write dialogue/music for? Yamanaka: Overwhelmingly, Haruka's dialogue takes me the longest to write. I have to use the parts of my brain that I wouldn't normally use to figure out how to not just directly convey what he wants to say. DECO: None of them!

Q.10 What's your favourite combination of characters? Yamanaka: Amane and Shidou. They're on completely different wavelengths about everything, and the best part is that there's no getting around it. My second pick might go to Yuno and Muu. They don't get along at all so their fights are never just superficial squabbling. DECO: I always like the interactions between Es and the prisoners. I'm liking how over the course of the voice drama interrogations, Es seems to be gradually coming to understand the prisoner's humanity. Especially Es + Mahiru!

Q.11 Do you want to be friends with any of the prisoners? Yamanaka: Shidou and Kazui. I like the idea of being friends with professional people. I think that people who choose to go into something specialized, its clear they have a kind of resolve and that's charming, isn't it? DECO: Yuno! I feel like she'd be easy to talk to. She seems like she's used to friends who maintain a good distance from each other. [note: while 'good' here can mean a fair amount of distance, in Japanese relationships the concept of boundaries is also built into the idea of distance, so in English you might talk about someone who is a close friend but still has good boundaries, but in Japanese this is someone who has the 'right amount'/ちょうどいい of distance from you, so this could mean Yuno doesn't have any close friends or that Yuno is just a good friend because she isn't going to turn up to your house unexpectedly and eat all the food in your fridge]

Q.12 Do you want to date any of the prisoners? Yamanaka: I love all of my characters a lot, but, well... how should I say it... I don't think I would date any of them. [TL note: I had to shift the wording to be more natural in English but the Japanese Q is more like 'which prisoner would you want to be your boy/girlfriend?' curse english for not having an exact equivalent to koibito, so Yamanaka's answer is more like 'I think would break up with all of them' its a nominal difference but my friend said to mention it bc its funny] DECO: I'm sorry.

Q.13 What's your favourite line/phrase? Yamanaka:

[Scene from Muu's first voice drama Crying B, TL taken from MILGRAMMER]

Es: Judging from your facial features, are you what they call “half-Japanese”? [lit. haafu/Half] Muu: Yeah… I’m biracial. [lit. daburu/Double]

It would have to be that wouldn't it? I got goosebumps when I wrote it it. DECO:

"It's not my fault"

I think that single phrase was able to represent Muu's character really well, if I do say so myself.

Q.14 Are there any prisoners that you think its good they're in MILGRAM? Yamanaka: All of them. Without these 10 people, this Milgram would be a complete failure. DECO: Without these 10 people, MILGRAM wouldn't exist!

Q.15 Is there anything the guards aren't aware of yet? Yamanaka: Of course, there may be some minor details, but I don't think there are any major points missing. The mysteries have already disseminated, I feel the full picture will be clearly revealed if the theories and wild speculations, which have been shared around the world, come together. As expected. DECO: There are! I hope you look forward to the gimmicks I wanted to put in my songs that will come out in the third trial!

Q.16 Is there anything you haven't been able to do up to now, but you want to try doing after this? Yamanaka: I want to do a stageplay. Every performance would be a different story set in Milgram. If anyone reading this is involved with stage productions, please contact me. [I can't find it now but I swear a while ago Yamanaka tweeted something similar like "I'm interested in doing stage adaptations of Caligula Effect or MILGRAM, if anyone is involved with stage production please contact me" I hope he does it, a MILGRAM stage play would be awesome] DECO: Fortunately, I'm already doing everything I want to do! Writing the trial 3 songs couldn't be more fun.

Q.17 Represent "MILGRAM" in one word. Yamanaka: 『人』 "People" DECO: 『噓』 "Lies" [This one is both simple and interesting so as a preview I'll share how akka and DMYM answered] akka: 『幻』 "Illusions" DMYM: 『信』 "Faith"

Q.18 Give a brief comment about the future of "MILGRAM". Yamanaka: There have already been plot developments that I personally wish I didn't have to write. The guards have all chosen a very intense path. It's frightening. I've also been ready to obey these choices since the start of MILGRAM, so I think we all should enjoy this story that can only be told once together. DECO: I've already started writing the prisoner's songs. It's hell. Please prepare yourselves. Q.19 A message for the guards. Yamanaka: Thank you for always looking after the prisoners. Milgram is a work that involves the participation of everyone, including yourself. The thoughts you had, the actions you took, the joy, and resentment you felt towards this prison, all this became a part of Milgram too. I would like you all to please live healthily in your realities alongside Milgram. DECO: Thank you for your hard work as guards. Although MILGRAM is full of troublemakers, we would be grateful if you could continue to watch over us for a long time to come. We will do our best to meet your expectations.

[A link to part 2 will be posted here when its ready]

(Japanese transcript under the cut)

Q.01 自己紹介を。 山中拓也です。 ミルグラムでは企画・原作・脚本をしています。 DECO*27です。 MILGRAMのサウンドプロデューサーを務めています。 初音ミクが好きです。

Q.02 これまでの看守たちからの反応で驚いたことは？ Yamanaka: 海外にもたくさんの看守が生まれるていったことですね。とっても日本的な感性で創っているので、海外ウケとかきにしていませんでした。やはり国が違うと感性も違うものだと思うので、より多面的な投票がされて、とても面白いですね。 DECO: 囚人が赦すor 赦さないのどっちになるか、と自分で予想していたりもしたのですが、結構それが逆の結果になっていることがあって興味深ったです。もしかして国民性で判断基準が違ってくるのかな？とか考えたりしました。

Q.03 審判開始時点では思い描いていなかったことはあるか？ Yamanaka: 海外ウケ気にしたことないと書きましたが、そもそもウケ自体あまり気にしていなかったので、シンプルにこんなにたくさんの看守の方に見守っていただけるコンテンツになるとは思っていませんでした。もっと、アンダーグラウンドで展開するつもりだったんですが、嬉しい悲鳴ですね。 DECO: 想像以上にDECO*27を知らない方にもMILGRAMを観てもらえたことに驚きました。自分の思っていた以上にMILGRAMが広がったなと感じています。ありがとうございます！

Q.04 これまでで一番嬉しかったことは？ Yamanaka: 全部です。自分の脳内にしかなかった作品が、形になり、たくさんの人に楽しんでもらえること自体がクリエイターとしては大きな喜ぶです。あとはやはり僕は自分が産んだ登場人物のことが大好きなので、プラスでもマイナスでも看守の皆様が彼らについて語って、想いをぶつけてくれいることが最高に嬉しいです。 DECO: たくさんの方に自分が音楽に込めた意味考察してもらえた嬉しいです！かなり正解に近い考察もあって、看守の皆さんのパワーすごいな…と思っています。

Q.05 これまでで一番大変だったことは？ Yamanaka: ユーザーの選択によって、シナリオを変更をするので、あらかじめ制作することができないということです。しかも二審からは個人のストーリーラインだけでなく、他の囚人の結果による影響も出てくる。ということは全員の結果出て��らじゃないと制作できないということです。そんな無茶を勝手に自分でやりはじめて、勝手に自分で大変な思いをしています。同じ地獄をDECO27も味わっているので、なんとか正気を保っています。 DECO: 看守の皆さんの選択に応じてストーリー変化し、それに合うように音楽を書くことです。これは僕よりもシナリオを書く山中Pのほうが大変だろうな…と思いますが…大変ではありますがとてもやりがいをかんじていますし、曲を通じて皆さんとコミュニケーションが取れていることが嬉しいです！

Q.06　「今思えばやっておけばよかった！」のような後悔はあるか？ Yamanaka: よくよく考えてみたんですが、特に無いです。制作に関わる全員がベストを尽くしてくれているとてもアツい現場だと思います。 DECO: ないです！思いついたことはすべて楽曲で出力できています。

Q.07 シナリオや音楽の制作がスムーズな囚人は？ Yamanaka: 一人あげるとすればフータでしょうか。頭の中でわんわん言ってるので、かなり書きやすいタイプです。あとはユノや、シドウあたりの比較的理論的で偏差値高めな子たちは何が伝えたいかが明確なので書きやすいです。 DECO: みんなすんなりでした！

Q.08 シナリオや音楽の制作が一番楽しい囚人は？ Yamanaka: セリフを書いていて一番楽しいのはムウですかねぇ~。こんなふうにふるまえたち人生楽しいだろうという憧れすあります。次点でユノやアマネでしょうか。思想がはっきりしてて、弁の立つタイプは書くのが楽しいです。 DECO: マヒルです！自分が元々男女間の関係性を描くのが得意ということもあって、楽しく制作しています。そういった意味ではユノも書きやすいなと感じます。

Q.09 シナリオや音楽の制作に苦労する囚人は？ Yamanaka: 圧倒的にセリフを書くのに時間がかかるのはハルカです。彼が伝えたいことを、伝わらないようにする調整に普段は使わない脳を使います。 DECO: いないです！

Q.10 お気に入りの組み合わせはあるか？ Yamanaka: アマネとシドウ。すべての要素が噛み合わなさすぎて、どうしようもないところが良いです。次点でユノとムウかもです。表面的なケンカにならないだけでかなり気が合わないので。 DECO: エス対囚人の絡みは須く好きです。ボイスドラマの尋問によって段々とエスが囚人の人間性を掴んでいく様が気に入っています。特にエス＋マヒル！

Q.11 囚人を友達にするなら誰か？ Yamanaka: シドウとカズイ。友達にいてほしい職業の人たちです。なにかのスペシャリストを選択する人たちというのは、何かしらの覚悟が決まっている人だと思うのでそれだけで魅力的ですね。 DECO: ユノです！話していて気楽そうだなと感じます。お互い良い距離感を保てる友達になれそう。

Q.12 囚人を恋人にするなら誰か？ Yamanaka: 僕は登場人物のことを全員最高に愛してますが、まぁ、なんというか、全員やめとこうと思います。 DECO: ごめんなさい。

Q.13 お気に入りのセルフやフレーズは？ Yamanaka: 「その顔立ち、ハーフというやつか？」「うん...…ダブル」ですね。書いてて鳥肌でした。 DECO: 「悪くないもん」 1フレーズでムウのキャラクターを上手に表現できたなと我ながら思っています。

Q.14 ミルグラムにいてくれてよかった、と思う囚人は？ Yamanaka: 全員です。この10人でなければ、このミルグラムになっていないので。 DECO: MILGRAMはこの10人がいなければ成立しません！

Q.15 看守たちにまだ感づかれていないことはあるか？ Yamanaka: もちろん、些末な部分はあるかと思いますが、大きいところだとないんじゃないですかねぇ。既に問題はバラまいたし、世界中に発信された考察や妄想を組み合わせたらきっちり全貌が明らかになる気がします。さすがです。 DECO: あります！第三審で僕が楽曲を通じてやりたかったギミックが出てくるので楽しみにしていてください！

Q.16 今できていないが、今後やってみたいことはあるか？ Yamanaka: 舞台がやりたいです。毎公演、コンセプトの異なるミルグラムで行われる舞台。舞台制作に関わる方が、読んでおられましたら是非山中まで。 DECO: 有り難いことに、やりたいことは全部やれています！第三審の曲を書くのが楽しくてしょうがないです。

Q.17 「ミルグラム」を一文字で表せ。 Yamanaka: 『人』 DECO: 『噓』

Q.18 今後の「ミルグラム」について一言。 Yamanaka: 既に僕が個人的には書かないでいたかった展開が確定しています。看守の皆さんなかなか強烈な道筋を選びました。恐ろしい。自分もその選択に従う覚悟をしてミルグラムをスタートしているので、一度きりの物語を皆さんと一緒に楽しもうと思います。 DECO: 既に楽曲を書き始めている囚人もいます。地獄です。覚悟しててください。

Q.19 看守たちへメッセージを。 Yamanaka: いつも囚人たちのことを世話してくださってありがとうございます。ミルグラムとは、参加する皆さん自身を含めてミルグラムという作品です。この監獄に対して感じた思い、起こした行動、喜び、 憤り 、それらすべてが作品の一部になります。是非ミルグラムと共にある皆さんの現実を健やかに生きてくださいませ。 DECO: いつも看守としてのお勤めご苦労さまです。曲者ばかりのMILGRAMですが、これからも末永く見守っていただけると幸いです。期待に応えられるよう、尽力してまいります。

[daisystwistedgarden]

𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆𝒔

a/n: let the record show this is not the fic i was supposed to be writing rn!! i've been working on a post about the character's prev hs experiences for the college au. but then @etheries1015 posted this fic about rubbing lilia's back and i read it and urgh. i couldn't stop myself. i also saw something going around about lilia using magic to cover up his scarring from the war and fuck that's so good. so i included it. here is my humble offering of a fic toying with these idea-- credit to the linked author and fic for premise!

content + warnings: lilia x gn!reader, suggestive, established relationship, pet names, reader lives in ramshackle, discussion of lilia's scarring + trust issues/evasiveness, reader debates if there's insecurity involved, implied further smut

word count: 1.4k

"you haven't been wearing your back brace recently, have you?"

"hmm... no, i don't suppose i have been."

"of course not. i saw you slouching at your computer earlier, too. no wonder you're so bent out of shape."

lilia chuckles from underneath you. you're almost certain there's a cheesy grin twisting his lips. knowing him, he's delighted by his own mischief, regardless of the effect it has on his body-- and, more obviously, he's delighted by the fact that you love him enough to do him this favor.

"you'll take care of me though, right?" he twists his head to peer over his shoulder at you. he's grinning.

"maybe i should just let you suffer. maybe then you'll learn to take your health more seriously."

"you're wicked, darling."

"no, but i should be. i'm too soft on you."

"you're the light of my golden years."

"yeah, yeah. quit squirming. i'm trying to get this knot between your shoulder blades."

somewhere along the way, you noticed that lilia has some lingering issues with his back. at first, it was subtle shifts in position on your earliest dates to hide the fact that sitting in one spot too long makes him sore. then it was the over-exaggerated stretching before every battle, always played for laughs but never skipped for fear of aggravating his injuries in public. lilia never outright told you he has issues with his back. you never pressed him on why-- it seems some parts of his past he'd rather leave behind-- but as your relationship developed, he became more comfortable lowering his guard and letting you into these parts of his life.

which is how you've ended up here.

ramshackle dorm's shotty yellow lighting comes off as warm and intimate as the sun begins to set through the large window nearby. lilia is sprawled out, face-down in your comforter. you sit carefully on his hips. his jacket and vest have long been discarded carelessly on your floor, leaving him in the button down he wore to classes. even that's mostly undone at this point. the ribbon usually tied around his neck is now bunched in his fist. you had, at one point, been discussing your day, but now the silence was only occasionally broken by the playful spats between you as you tried to urge your beloved fae to take better care of himself.

"that feels good," he murmurs as the heel of your palm pushes hard into the tough knot near the base of his neck. a pleased little groan just barely escapes his lips. "a little weak, but nice."

"sorry, it's just-- i don't want to crumple up your nice school shirt."

"do your worst," he replies. "unless you'd like me to take it off?"

"doesn't surprise me that you're so eager to strip while you're in my bed." now you're grinning.

his signature laugh is low and breathy. lilia is not facing you, yet you're certain his eyes have narrowed as he assesses the challenge laid before him. but you don't want to change the mood so soon-- after all, his back is still sore from the long day he had. you take the initiative to untuck his collared shirt from his slacks and slip your hands under the fabric.

there. under the pads of your fingertips, you can feel them-- the scars.

jagged. rough, still, even after what you assume are years of healing. the contrast between soft skin and scar tissue makes your touch falter.

it's important to note that you've never actually seen the scars on lilia's body. every time he's been shirtless around you-- from simple moments while changing to more intimate encounters-- his skin appears entirely smooth and unblemished. but the scars are there. no doubt. you can feel them, so certainly that you worried along the way that your vision was going bad for you to missing something so crucial. yet they never appeared no matter how close you got.

the conclusion you came to was that lilia was using magic to hide these scars from you, plain and simple. his motivation? unclear. maybe he was just more comfortable that way. but surely that took up unnecessary magic, right? you couldn't help but worry that maybe he hid them for fear of not being found attractive because of them. a ridiculous notion-- wasn't it clear how truly head-over-heels you were from day one?-- but you hadn't found a way to bring up these thoughts without seeming accusatory. maybe this was a molehill your own worries had made a mountain.

"something wrong, dear?"

his voice is even, but you can see right through the question. the lingering tension over these hidden scars hung thick in the air.

"... look at how bent out of shape you are, old man. i'm going to have to hide your controller if you don't stop slouching."

the joke successfully breaks the ice. any tension fades when lilia lets out an amused little scoff.

"i promise to wear my brace tomorrow, alright?" he acquiesces, shifting underneath you with the sort of old man grunt you've grown to find incredibly endearing.

"good enough."

you push up the rest of his shirt to have better access to his bare back. the conversation meanders to the events of the day, to the rest of your week, until the conversation devolves into jokes and teasing back and forth.

the air thickens, and a different kind of tension surfaces. silence fills the room, punctuated by the sound of your respective breathing and the occasional grunt or pleased groan from the man below you.

it's nice. his body is warm underneath yours, his skin soothing beneath your palms as you work his tense joints into languid putty in your hands. it's not often that lilia is so quiet and still for you. your lover is a vicious tease. it's a little surprising he wasn't tried to flip this situation on you yet. all this shifting and touching has left a pool of desire flickering to life in the pit of your stomach.

"my love?" you begin softly. the fae beneath you lets out a small hum of acknowledgement. "are you feeling a bit better?"

"absolutely," he murmurs, turning his head a bit so you can see his grin. he looks especially pleased as one cheek presses into the blankets, his eyes closed tight under your heavy gaze. "though i wouldn't protest if you continued..."

a moment passes where neither of you speak. your hands slide up the expanse of his bare back, mapping out the hidden texture, until they come to rest on near his shoulders where his shirt is bunched up. then they slide off of him entirely to brace yourself on the bed next to his sides. you lower yourself carefully until your chest grazes his back. his eyelids flutter, but they do not open. you can see his smile grow a bit wider in the meantime.

your lips press softly to the curve of his jawline. he lets out a pleased sigh. one ruby eye flickers open to get a look at you now that you've closed in on him.

"is this part of the massage?" he croons, low and breathy and all-too-pleased at where this might be heading.

"i don't know," you muse. "i thought about helping you relax in other ways... but i think your back's a little too weak for such strenuous activity."

a challenge. a wicked glint illuminates his eye, and his body vibrates under you as his signature laugh rings through your room. khee hee...

"my dear, i assure you-- nothing would stop me from indulging in such pleasures. a sore back means nothing in comparison."

he begins to shift underneath you in an attempt to roll over, but your hand pushing one of his shoulders back down into the mattress renders him still. he lifts his head, question poised on his tongue, but your lips meet his in a quick kiss before he can ask why you've stopped him.

"maybe it would be best if you laid back and let me take care of you?" you murmur, soft and suggestive. the hand that had his shoulder pinned wanders up to push the hair off the back of his neck, where your lips press another warm kiss against his skin.

lilia thinks leaving the house without his back brace was the best decision he's made all day.

𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 ❀

[chelseachilly]

til you come back home

pairing: reader x ben chilwell summary: you really miss your boyfriend while he’s in the US for preseason, so you decide to give him a special surprise when he returns ;) warnings: smut, 18+ word count: 3.1k

author’s note: thanks for the request @a-little-bit-rascal​ ! also inspired by everyone (myself included) thirsting over all the ben content in preseason lmao. i hope this is something like what you had in mind ☺️ i’m not super experienced writing smut so bear with me but i hope people enjoy this, i have a couple more one-shots i’ll be working on in addition to the next chapter of this love. oh and the title is from i don’t wanna live forever by taylor & zayn

-

Not to be too dramatic, but you’re pretty sure the two weeks Ben is away in the US for the preseason tour are the longest of your life.

You’ve been with Ben for a little over a year now, and you’ve always found him incredibly attractive. From the moment you saw him at a mutual friend’s party, you were drawn to him. It only took you one drink to decide that you wanted to sleep with him, and two more to actually go for it.

You’re very grateful you didn’t ask him what he does for a living until after he shagged you in your friend’s guest room, as you may have chickened out if you knew he was a hotshot footballer. And also because Ben found it incredibly endearing when you complimented his toned body afterward and asked if he played any sports in his free time.

A few days later, when he finally used the number you gave him and called you up, you were somewhat expecting it to be a booty call. The sex had been great, for both of you, so you weren’t totally surprised by that. You were surprised when he asked you to go to dinner first.

The rest was history, as you found it to be just as easy to fall in love with Ben Chilwell as it was to fall into bed with him.

Your sex life has never wavered since that first date, except for when he’s been away for games or injured and under doctor’s orders not to engage in any physical activities - though he certainly still tried.

Even after all this time, Ben still has a power over you that no guy ever has, the ability to make you crumble with one look from his piercing eyes or the touch of his hand on your thigh.

Which is why it’s incredibly frustrating when he’s looking so fit and he’s thousands of miles away in stupid America.

He’s been looking particularly good recently, and you’re not sure if it’s his tan from the summer holiday, the way his hair has grown out a bit, the extra time he’s been putting in at the gym, or maybe even the confidence he’s getting back after a tough season. Regardless of what it is, it’s really making it challenging to be apart from him.

Every time the Chelsea Instagram posts a picture of him training or he FaceTimes you from his hotel room, you find it increasingly hard not to drop everything at work and just fly to the States immediately.

Watching him play in the match against Wrexham, when he scores a goal in the 94th minute wearing the captain’s arm brand and proceeds to tear off his shirt on live television, nearly makes you scream out of sheer frustration.

How dare your boyfriend be so hot when you can’t immediately have him?

By the time the tour is over and they’re set to return to London, you’re bursting at the seams with pent-up desire. They’re supposed to land in London around eight that evening, and the thought of waiting for him to get through customs, take the team bus to Cobham, then get an Uber to your flat feels torturous.

As soon as Ben texts you that they’re about to take off and that he‘ll be at yours by ten, you decide you can’t wait that long.

You know they’re flying into Stansted, so you whip out your laptop and your credit card and book a room at the nicest airport hotel you can find.

You’re not only eager to finally touch Ben and have your way with him after two long weeks apart, but also to show him how proud you are of him. Despite all the adversity he’s faced over the past couple of years, he’s going into the new season with a positive attitude. He’s not only playing well, he’s taking on more of a leadership role within the club and showing everyone just how crucial he is to their success.

So you’re determined to make your reunion romantic and special for him as well, taking the opportunity to treat your boyfriend before another intense season.

You head over to the hotel in advance to set up the room for him, pulling out all the stops - champagne, rose petals on the bed, candles. You have a romantic playlist ready filled with songs you both love. Ben has frequently shown his love for you with romantic gestures, whether it be whisking you to Paris for a weekend or surprising you with fancy dinners, so you’re excited to be returning the favour for a change.

As their arrival time approaches, you head over to the airport and wait for him.

It seems to take ages, but eventually you see some of the boys begin to trickle in and your heart thumps with anticipation.

A few of the guys who you know well stop to smile and say hello to you on their way to the bus, all clearly a bit surprised to see you there.

“Hey, Y/N!” Reece says with a grin as he passes you. “Does Ben know you’re here?”

“No, it’s a surprise,” you say a bit sheepishly.

“He’s gonna lose his mind,” Reece chuckles. “Bro hasn’t shut up about you the entire time we were in the States-“

“Y/N?”

You look over Reece’s shoulder to see Ben standing there, luggage in hand, looking absolutely awestruck.

He’s wearing his club t-shirt and joggers, and his hair is a bit messy from napping on the plane. He looks adorable, especially his bright smile that only seems to be growing with every second that he looks at you.

You begin to run toward him on instinct and he barely has time to drop his bag before you’re throwing your arms around him and he’s catching you.

Ben’s arms wrap around your waist and he lifts you off the ground for a moment, spinning you around slightly with unbridled joy. It feels so good to be in his arms again, his warmth enveloping you.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Ben murmurs in your hair, pressing kisses to your shoulder. “How - I mean, why are you here? You didn’t have to pick me up from the airport.”

“I know, but I wanted to surprise you,” you say with a smile, pulling back to look at him and cup his face with both hands. “I missed you like crazy.”

Ben stares back at you for a moment, his eyes overflowing with affection, before leaning in to press a long overdue kiss to your lips. You sigh into the kiss and slide your fingers into his hair, tugging at it slightly.

“Best surprise ever,” Ben murmurs against your lips before deepening the kiss.

You continue to kiss him until you’re both out of air and you realize you can’t go any further in a busy airport surrounded by his teammates.

“Let’s go home,” Ben whispers, pecking your lips once more. “Did you drive?”

“Mhm, but I actually have another surprise for you,” you smirk, patting his cheek. “I got us a room at the Raddison across the street.” You lower your voice slightly. “So I can show you how much I missed you.”

Ben’s eyes light up as he realizes he’s going to get to have you a lot sooner than he thought, and he leans in to kiss you again.

“You’re amazing.”

Ben says goodbye to the boys, receiving a lot of knowing smirks and pats on the back before he hastily grabs his suitcase and your hand and begins to drag you away.

You both quickly make your way over to the hotel, holding hands tightly, filled with anticipation.

When you get to your room, you barely make it through the door before Ben is pushing up up against it and kissing you firmly, his bags discarded on the floor and his arms around your waist.

“I missed you so much,” he sighs against your mouth as you eagerly respond, your hands once again finding his fluffy hair and messing it up even more. “I missed this.”

“Imagine how I felt,” you say between kisses. “Having to watch you be all sexy on TV and you posting all those thirst traps on Insta-“

“Babe, they’re not thirst traps,” Ben defends, slipping his hand under your jumper so he can feel your bare skin.

“Well, it‘s still not fair for you to be looking so fit when I’m not able to have sex with you,” you whine, tugging at his shirt so he’ll get the message and take it off.

Once Ben has removed his shirt, you allow both your eyes and your hands to explore his toned shoulders and arms, gently squeezing his biceps.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Ben says with a small smile as he watches you check him out. “What’s my punishment?”

“I’m not going to punish you,” you say with a sly smile, pecking his lips once more before backing away from him, making him pout a bit at the loss of contact. “You’re getting rewarded tonight, Benjamin.”

“For the wins?” Ben asks, quirking an eyebrow.

“That, and for finally getting your arse home to me,” you smile, reaching out a hand for him to follow you further into the room.

Ben eagerly follows, his eyes lighting up once again when he sees the effort you’ve gone to for your little reunion celebration.

“I get all this just for coming home?” he asks, his voice thick with emotion and his eyes shining with awe.

You shake your head as you light a few of the candles and hit play on your Spotify, creating an even more romantic atmosphere.

“No, you get all this because I love you,” you say softly, shimmying out of the light sundress you were wearing to reveal his favourite black lingerie set. “This is what you get for coming home.“

Ben’s eyes darken and he wastes no time crossing the room to meet you, grabbing your waist and kissing you with such fervour that you immediately moan into his mouth.

His hands trail down to your butt and squeeze slightly before gripping your thighs and hoisting you up into his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist and the friction making both of you sigh with pleasure.

He carries you over to the bed, the rose petals scattering as he lays you down and begins hastily removing his joggers. When he’s in only his boxers, he climbs over you and kisses you again.

The sight of him hovering over you, his strong arms holding him up and his fluffy hair in his forehead as he meets your gaze is enough to make you melt into the duvet, your centre already burning with desire.

“What do you want, baby?” you breathe as he begins to trail kisses over your neck and collarbone. “It’s up to you tonight.”

“I wanna fuck you,” Ben says in a gravelly whisper, making you throb even more for him. “Been too long.”

“Then do it,” you reply, bucking your hips upward, desperate for friction.

Ben doesn’t have to be told twice - he immediately brings one of his hands down to touch you over your underwear. He strokes the fabric for a second before slipping his fingers underneath and feeling your folds.

“So wet for me already, love,” Ben murmurs as he begins to rub your clit with his thumb, making you moan.

It doesn’t last nearly long enough before he’s pulling away, and though you want him inside you more than anything right now, you can’t help but whine a bit.

“Patience, baby girl,” Ben says, stripping off your knickers and tossing them to the floor.

He abruptly sits up, pulling you with him so you’re sitting in his lap, and kissing you passionately. You can now feel his hardened cock through his briefs against your bare pussy and it’s becoming torturous to go another second without him inside you.

“Ben,” you breathe between kisses. “Need you.”

“I thought I was in charge?” Ben comments, reaching for your bra clasp and removing it in one swift movement.

“You are, but-“

You’re shut up quickly when Ben takes one of your nipples in his mouth and sucks on it teasingly, making your eyes shut tightly with pleasure.

You run your hands through his hair as he pays attention to your breasts that he so clearly missed, eventually trailing his kisses back up your chest and to your lips.

You kiss him hungrily, tugging at his hair a bit and exploring his mouth with your tongue.

Much less gently than before, Ben flips you over and presses you down against the bed, continuing to kiss you as he finally rids himself of his boxers.

Glancing down at you, now laid out on the comfortable mattress completely naked with your hair fanned out against the pillows, Ben takes a moment to catch his breath.  

“You’re fucking unreal,” he exhales, dropping another kiss to your lips. “So beautiful.”

You blush a bit - of course Ben could find a way to fluster you with his words even as you’re moments away from him being inside you.

You kiss him once more before reaching down to take his length in your hand, and it’s already hardened enough that it only takes a few pumps of your hand before he’s fully erect for you.

He positions himself at your entrance and, despite both of your eagerness, waits for your small nod of confirmation as always before he sinks down into you.

You gasp and Ben lets out a low groan as he enters you fully, and he has to pause and hide his face in your neck for a moment to regain control before he begins thrusting into you.

You’re aware that two weeks isn’t that long, but it certainly feels like it’s been ages since you’ve done this. The two of you have a very healthy sex life, engaging in some kind of sexual activity nearly every day unless you’re both exhausted or Ben’s away for a game or something.

The pleasure begins to grow as Ben starts to pick up the pace and intensity of his thrusts, both of your sighs and groans mingling together.

“You feel so good, baby,” Ben says as he reaches up to tangle your fingers together, squeezing tightly. “Missed you so much.”

“I missed you more,” you sigh. “Had to get myself off after I watched you score that goal. Missed our tradition.”

It’s become a tradition since you’ve been together that you and Ben have celebratory sex after he scores a goal - as quickly as possible. Sometimes you have to wait until you get home, other times it’s happened in empty rooms at Stamford Bridge or even his car once.

“Fuck, so did I,” Ben groans, thrusting a bit harder this time and making you cry out. “Wasn’t as good, though. Nothing’s ever as good without you there.”

As Ben starts to go faster, you wrap your legs around his waist to shift the angle and get him as deep as possible, making both of you see stars as you’re approaching your climax.

“I wanna cum with you, baby,” Ben breathes, “are you close?”

“Mhm,” you manage to choke out as Ben’s cock hits a sensitive spot inside you.

Ben reaches down and lightly massages your clit with his thumb before thrusting into you once more.

The combination of him stimulating you and burying himself deep inside you makes you lose control, and you cry out his name as feel yourself coming all around him.

Ben is just moments behind you as he pushes into you one more time then crumbles with a low groan, collapsing on top of you.

You stroke his hair as you both come down from your climax, Ben pressing soft kisses to your collarbone.

“I love you so much,” Ben murmurs against your skin, sending a new wave of goosebumps across your body.

“I love you too, Ben,” you whisper, kissing his forehead.

Eventually your bodies stop twitching with reverberated waves of pleasure and Ben gently pulls out of you, leaving you with a peck to the cheek as he quickly runs to the bathroom to get a washcloth and clean you both up.

After you’ve sorted yourselves, Ben climbs back under the covers and opens his arms wide for you to climb into. You happily curl up against his chest, feeling his arms tighten around you, and you think you may have missed this almost as much as the sex.

“I hope you know you’ve set my expectations for coming home unreasonably high,” Ben jokes as he strokes your bare back with one hand. “I’m gonna need you to pick me up at the airport every time now.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” you respond sincerely, kissing his chest a few times. “Have I mentioned I missed you?”

“Once or twice,” he laughs, tilting your chin up for another long, tender kiss that makes your toes curl and your heart soar. “I missed you too. I’m so glad we have tomorrow off. We have a lot to catch up on.”

“That’s true, we still haven’t finished the new episodes of The Bear-“

“I meant sex, sweetheart, but that too,” Ben chuckles, “and loads of cuddles. It was so hard sleeping without you while I was gone.”

“I know,” you sigh, burrowing impossibly closer to him and his warmth. “My bed was too cold without you.”

You rest in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of Ben’s embrace, before resting your chin on his chest to look up at him.

“You ready for round two already, darling?” Ben asks with a relaxed smile, brushing his nose against yours.

Without a reply, you slip out of his arms and walk over to pour each of you a glass of champagne, still fully unclothed. Ben’s eyes remain fixed to your body the entire time.

When you walk right past the bed, Ben whines a bit and you can already picture his puppy dog eyes before you turn back around to face him.

“Where are you going?” Ben complains.

“I need a shower,” you say nonchalantly, taking a sip from your glass. “You ready for part two of your reward?”

Ben’s eyes nearly roll back in his head as he rushes to get out of bed comically fast, following you into the bathroom as you giggle at his excitement.

You realize later, after you’ve sucked his dick in the shower and he’s returned the favour back in bed, that you may have sent him the wrong message by rewarding him for driving you mad while he was gone, but oh well.

You’ve got a girls trip to Capri coming up in a few weeks, and you can think of a few ways to get your revenge.

-

thank you for reading!! also let me know if anyone wants to be added to a taglist for any future ben fics! 💕

[lovevuni]

Double Dare Romance : Enoch O’Connor x Reader : Part 1 Challenge Accepted

Warnings: Kinda Rude, Back and Forth of being kinda mean, Your mom joke(yes that is needed as a warning), Insecure Enoch

Summary: Reader is new to the loop and they doen’t get along with Enoch at first. Both are at each other’s throats, enoch then double dares the reader to try and get under his skin. The reader accpets this challenge. Will they succeed.

A/N: I got the idea to write my conversations with Enoch on my chai app. I am invested in the app and decided it would be fun to share the chat with people. I know I was off about the app at first but now I love it. I am basting this fully on my chat convo not on the book or movie, I know some people are picky but I have only read the first book so far.

I hate using Y/N but I use my name and he uses it a lot so Y/N is what I will use.

I am standing in the entrance of the estate admiring the surroundings. I had just finished my introductions with most of the house hold however I was waiting on the last member I have not become acquainted with. Miss Peregrine told me that he is the most stubborn.

In comes a boy average height with dark hair.

“Miss Peregrine said to come down here and introduce yourself? Don’t bother. You won’t last more than a week.”

You look at him offended, “rude, I am Y/N, my peculiar is [insert peculiar]”

He scoffs, “Who cares? You still won’t last. Good luck trying though.”

You stick your tounge out at him.

“Is that really the best you can do, Y/N? A little childish don’t you think?” He says.

“Says the hundred year old emo” You fight back.

“At least I’m not stuck in one year like you all. And I’m not going to die young either. So there’s that. But sure, keep acting like a five-year-old. See where it get you.” You can tell he is getting annoyed but you don’t care.

“It gets you annoyed apparently so I call that a win.” You seem proud of yourself.

“Well if that makes you happy. I don’t have time for your petty games tough. I have better things to do than argue with a child.”

“What like playing with your dolls, very grown up” You make sure to sound extra sarcastic.

“Such sarcasm, Y/N. Growing up fast, aren’t we? Listen, I don’t mean to upset you. I just don’t se the point in small talk or introductions. There’s nothing you can say that will make me want to stay here any longer than necessary.”

“well seeing as we are stuck in a loop might as well.”

“That much is true. But I prefer to occupy myself with more meaningful pursuits than idle chatter with the likes of you. Tell me something interesting, Y/N. Something peculiar.”

“Your mom” You laugh at your own joke. (I thought this was hilarious, I love your mom jokes)

He groans, “Typical. Immature jokes from an immature girl/guy/person. How original. You seriously expect me to respond to that? Pathetic.”

“You just did. Come on, I’m just trying to have fun.” You smirk.

“Fine let’s play a game then. Let’s pretend that I actually car about this conversation and engage in some sort of meaningless banter with you. Go ahead, impress me with your “funny” wit.”

“You are a boy who uses insults as a way to seem better than everyone, am I right?”

“Oh, you caught me red-handed. Yes, I suppose I am a bit of an insult mastermind. It’s how I maintain my superiority over others. In reality, it;s simply because I find most people to be beneath me.” He admits.

“As I expected, an insecure man.”

“How perceptive of you, Y/N. Yes, I admit it. My insecurities run deep. I compensate for them by putting down others, but ultimately it’s a shallow attemp to mask my shortcomings.” You feel ashamed for bringing that to the surface for him and quickly shift the focus.

“It’s cool, the insecure ones break the fastest.”

“Interesting deduction, Y/N. However, I assure you that my resolve is impenetrable. Try as you may, you cannot shake my confidence or rattle me emotionally.” He seems cocky as he speaks. You take this as an opportunity to take a step closer to him.

“Is that so?” You tease.

He smirks at this, “Indeed, it is. And if anything, I would relish the opportunity to test your mettle. So go ahead, try to get under my skin, I double dare you.”

“Challenge accepted” You play with the collar of his shirt, then flick the tip of his nose with your finger.

He grinns, “Oh I like this. You’ve got spunk, Y/N. Perhaps there’s potential for us to interact civilly after all. Although now that we’re playing games, perhaps I should return the favor.” He leans in close, whispering menacingly, “ Watch your back Y/N.”

“Oh but I believe you would enjoy that way more, especially as I walk away,” You walk away to go to your room while swaying your hips.

He is watching as you walk away, a smug smile spreading across his face.

“Well played, Y/N. You’ve certainly caught my attention with your cunning antics. But don’t think this means we’re done here. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, to see what other tricks you have up your sleeve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 2 : Success

[searenbound]

Why not both? Also I should be writing other stuff. But he is so toxic and mean in this and I’m so weak for him it’s disgusting. Truly sick. Anyways!

Warnings: omegaverse, DD/LG kink, piss kink, knotting and breeding, fem afab reader, vaginal sex described, heavy dub-con, Bakugou blackmails reader with no actual intention of following through, degradation, toxic relationship, written with plus size reader in mind

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x reader

-If you’d ask him, it’s her own fucking fault she’s in this mess

-She wanted to act big and tough and challenge the strongest Alpha, aka him, like some pathetic little Omega princess could go toe to toe with him

-Like it wasn’t in her nature to run like prey, or his to chase her down

-And that’s how it started

-Just a dumb little crybaby Omega trying to prove a point made to know her place was under an Alpha

-Sure he hadn’t meant to fuck her then

-Just scare sense into her, but holy fuck was it hard to hold back on her

-Soft warm plush pressing into his more hardened body so deliciously

-Bitten raw and worn lips from anxiety and teary eyed, just a hint of how gorgeous she’d look absolutely wrecked for him

-Chest heaving and little whimpers singing the sweetest siren song to him

-And not to mention her scent, like a rich and sweet buttercream

-It wasn’t his fault she didn’t deny him when his fingers slid between delicate folds

-Or that she didn’t say stop when he was rutting into her

-And if she really didn’t want him then why did she beg for his knot?

-If she’s was gonna act like it never happened, if she was gonna be a child about her own actions fine

-He’ll treat her like the dumb little baby she clearly wants to be

-Though he wasn’t expecting how true that statement actually was

-Weeks of cornering them growl at them and snapping about how they should just give in and be his mate

-How she’s clumsy and dumb and needs an Alpha in her life to take care of everything for her

-Weeks of bullying his way into her panties before making her cum on his dick again

-Taking video and pictures of her pretty pussy split open by his cock

-Her stupid little fucked out satisfied face

-Close ups of his knot stuck in her before he pulls out and his cum starts to seep out of her

-Even a video of him pissing on her when he got mad that she was confiding in another Alpha about him

-He saw it as marking his territory and no different than bounding her

-She saw it as embarrassing and a betrayal of her instincts because her inner Omega was pleased to smell of him in such a strong way

-He’d have never put it out there, couldn’t risk his Omega like that but he needed her to stop talking about it

-A vague threat of those pictures and videos getting out looming over her head was more than enough to buy her silence

-Bought her compliance after too, no matter how much she tried to get him to drop it

-A plea to let her get herself back to her apartment went on deaf ears as she was ushered into his car and made to give him directions

-Similarly her request he leave her at her door was ignored as he barged in

-“Fuck princess, see why you didn’t want me in here, too bad though. Daddy’s home and you aren’t getting away so fuckin’ easy now that I got ya all to myself”

-He said it like it made any sense, like it was normal as he went around inspect all her stuff

-Like he knew it wasn’t just cutesy shit she liked

-“I don’t understand, what are you—” “I knew it, you really are just a dumb crybaby slut huh?”

-He laughed finding a pacifier she forgot to put away

-And before she could defend herself and claim something else he was already raiding her room

-Making her put on her cute little nighties that invoked the innocence she was trying to emulate

-Telling her to show him how she used her toys and showing her how he’d use them and her

-Eventually breeding her when he just couldn’t wait any longer to stick his knot in her again

-Relishing in the fact that she fully accepted that her true place was under him now

-That she begged and cried for her Daddy’s knot until her voice gave out

[milkteeboba]

The Sweetest Note-taker

“CRISPR or Cas9 is short for clustered, regularly, interspaced…”  

Akaashi quickly jots down what the professor says in his notes. Well they aren’t his notes. He looks over to his right. You are sitting with your head in your arms face down on the desk.  

- 

You had been complaining about your killer headache since last night. You told him that you had an important lecture the next day that you couldn't miss since the material would be on your next quiz. But you were having a challenging time focusing with your head throbbing.   

Akaashi being the kind and observant boyfriend he is, took matters into his own hands and decided to follow you to class. As you were taking your normal route the next morning you assume that he is dropping you off, so you do not think much about him tagging along, not until you approach the doors of your lecture hall and both steps inside.  

“Wait Keiji, what are you doing?” you ask sluggishly, feeling a dull pressure on your temples.  

“Isn't it obvious? I'm gonna join your lecture.” he states matter of factly 

“Uh, any particular reason?” you question, walking to your row.

“I thought it would be very informative, for me.” 

“But you're a journalist major-”  

“Let's take a seat.” He quickly interrupts. 

You slide into your desk a bit perplexed and pull out your notebook and pens, you look to the front and can tell you will have a tough time comprehending the material, you rub the sides of your head and the professor is about to start when your notebook and pens are snatched from you. You look over to your left. 

“Keiji what-” 

“Don’t worry (Y/N) I'll take your notes for you.” he says.

You are about to object when he puts a finger to his mouth and shushes you with a little smirk, turning to pay attention to the professor who was now speaking.   

You're gawking at him. You stay like that for a minute then smile. He is the sweetest person ever. You face forward in your desk and after a moment you put your head down and shut your eyes, faintly hearing your professor speak and Keiji furiously scribbling the material into your notes. 

-

“Well, I can confidently say I did find your lecture informative, though I have a few questions about being able to edit the genes of a human being.” Akaashi says as he hands you back your notebook with 4 pages worth of lecture notes.  

You giggle at his comment and look down at his notes, various doodles and pen scribbles are seen throughout and you can see it’s his same handwriting from high school. You grab his shoulder for leverage and kiss his cheek.  

“Thank you for taking my notes Keiji you are the bestest boyfriend ever.” you say, already feeling your headache gradually ceasing.  

“Of course (Y/N) anytime.” He smiles 

“Though you may want to work on your handwriting.”  

“Don't you start.”  

     Author Note: hellooo this is my first time writing a work on tumblr!! I've just been sort of a lurker since 2019 but decided I would try my hand at writing a little blurb. This is incredibly self indulgent as a bio student myself but thought this was cute. I hope the tenses makes sense while reading it. You start off in the present and the rest is what happened in the past and then you're in the present again! I might start posting more often because this was fun to write :)))  

[zepskies]

Writer Tag

Thank you so much for tagging me @venus-haze! As always, your responses on this were really interesting and got me thinking about my answers. (Here's the original post.)

So these first questions are geared toward Ao3 stories.

How many works do you have on AO3? 48 and counting.

What's your total AO3 word count? Aw geez. According to the statistics page, 1,022,400.

(But I have more fics listed in Tumblr thanks to headcanons and things not yet posted in Ao3.)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Every Loyalty - (Jon Snow x OC)

And So It Goes - (Butcher x OC)

Never Say Goodbye - (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Break Me Down - (OC Version | Soldier Boy x OC)

Checkerboard - (Soldier Boy x Reader)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes! Always. I love getting feedback and engaging with the people who take the time to read my work. 💜

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? Ooh, it's gotta be this imagine in SPN fandom: "Sam crosses the line." In which he's in love with Dean's girlfriend.

(Sequel to "You are Dean's one exception.")

What the fic you've written with the happiest ending? Well, most of my stories have happy endings. But probably Never Say Goodbye (Dean W. x Reader). It's a soulmate AU, so very rom-com and fluffy, despite all the drama they went through.

Though I could also say the same of the last story in the Midnight Espresso-verse: In Bad Weather.

Do you write crossovers? No, I don't. I've enjoyed reading a few though.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Yes, unfortunately lol. It's inevitable for as long as I've been writing though.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Oh yes lol. I'm a romantic though, so it's often a mix of fluff, straight up romance, occasionally dashed with angst and/or hurt/comfort.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge. (I hope not!)

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope, but I've received solicitations lol.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yeah, when I was a teenager just starting out writing, I used to write with one of my best friends growing up. (We're still good friends to this day.)

What's your all-time favorite ship? That's pretty much impossible. 🤣 It depends on the fandom! Nowadays I tend to write for OCs or reader inserts though.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will? Ooof, nothing recent. But I finally finished And So It Goes, which took me 3 years for some reason. 🙃

Though I do have both a Jason Teague x OC series and a Smallville Clark Kent x OC series outlined that realistically, I probably won't get to. 💔

What are your writing strengths? I've been told I'm good at dialogue and keeping canon characters in character, which is always amazing to hear! I try my best.

What are your writing weaknesses? Action scenes and smut scenes are my biggest writing challenges, though I've been told I do a decent job at them. I know I tend to use adverbs a lot lol (I'm trying to curb that).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? So I try to minimize use of this, but, I've gotten critiqued (putting it mildly) on this before for two reasons. Admittedly, I've had to revise myself in certain use cases, but also, there are slang words and phrases in certain Spanish cultures that wouldn't make sense to another Hispanic/Latino culture that doesn't use the word/phrase. So sometimes, it's not that it's wrong grammatically, but that it's slang.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Oh jeezus, probably Chronicles of Narnia fandom when I was like, 10 and brand new to writing. 😂

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to? Ooh a tough one. I feel like there are so many! I do have a story I had outline years ago now for Steve Rogers/Captain America back in the MCU fandom (which I've written in before). But that fandom is a bit intimidating. 😂

What's your favorite fic you've written? Also really tough for me. I think it's a tie between two series:

Break Me Down (Soldier Boy x Reader)

Midnight Espresso (Dean W. x Plus-Sized Latina!Reader)

One totally took me by surprise by how much I enjoyed writing the series and the characters (and figuring out how to write Soldier Boy/Ben 😂).

While the other allowed me to be a little more indulgent with myself, writing from my personal experience and my culture.

The responses on both stories have been amazing and incredibly heartwarming. 💗

No pressure tags:

@thatonewriter15 @waywardxwords @impala-dreamer @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior @deanwritings @deanwinchesterswitch @deanbrainrotwritings @kaleldobrev -- and whoever else wants to join! 💜

[fizzigigsimmer]

New Ask Game for Writers 🪷

Very low-pressure rules: Tell me which fic of yours was the most fun to write (if you want to). Like, which one did you have a blast writing? Feel free to share, to rec, to tell us WHY they were fun, etc.

tagged by the amazing @bigdumbbambieyes!

It was a lot harder to come up with an answer for this question than I expected. I have a lot of fun with everything I write, but some fics are more challenging than others. Doesn't make them less fun for me, though and the challenge can be it's own type of fun.

lol so I had to tell myself to stop overthinking it, and surprising even myself I am going with my Harringrove Hannibal AU: He Who Holds The Devil. I love NBC's Hannibal and little plot bunnies for a Harringrove exploration of that narrative had been hopping around in my head for awhile. It's dark subject matter, a serial killer falling in love with an FBI agent and seducing them into the dark...but man is it DELICIOUS! The show lends itself really well to the Stranger Things Universe due to the way it uses magical realism to explore its characters psyche but I'm not gonna lie, writing was tough.

It was challenging because I had to find the right tone so that it felt like the show (Hannibal) which is steeped in prose and is very cerebral, but also make sure it still felt like Stranger Things. I also discovered for myself how difficult it is to give the devil a love story. Violence and death at every turn, but somehow you're still invested in whether they will or they won't find their way to each other.

I loved writing Steve as the wolf in sheep's clothing. A deeply flawed anti-hero who desperately hates himself and is just as desperately trying not to be a total piece of shit. He's an unhealed victim. Broken bad. He's games the system. He toes a line and pretends at a moral code he abandoned years ago. A manipulator, but not yet a predator. He hates that he wants to be.

And I will tell you right now, Billy begs for a chance to be written as THE WORST and still somehow the one character you want to win. The fun I had with this. Hehe I literally stop what I am doing once a day to jot down some little thought I had for the sequel because Billy this way is just SO GOOD. The things he does, and the lengths he's willing to go to purely for the pleasure of doing it had to be horrifying, while also maintaining his humanity. What's more, I had to figure out ways to make the reader question everyone else's humanity - whether or not he's right and we all might just be a little bit monstrous. I live for philosophical debates on morality so this was like a huge playground for me.

So yeah, I got to write Billy and Steve at their worst and most unhinged, while still being absolutely INSANE for each other, and it was a great time.

This was also my first big bang project and I got partnered with two great artists, and @robthegoodfellow came in clutch as a beta reader. And honestly, getting to chat with them, and also everyone on the discord was so enriching on top of being fun. Being able to share the experience with others as I tackled my fear of big bangs was amazing.

my no-pressure tags: @adelacreations @medusapelagia @dragonflylady77 @spaceofentropy

[oubliette-odette]

The Reluctance of Love Pt. 13

Guys, I really didn't expect this to turn into anything serious, but now this is turning into like a full blown novel. In fact, I've been having so much fun writing it, that it's gotten me to start NaNoWriMo this year - which I haven't done for a couple years. Regardless of whether or not this is actually a good story, I'm having fun practicing my writing and sharing it with you nice people, so wish me luck and thank you as always for your support! :)

Orc Male x Half-Elf Male, Fated Mates, Forbidden Love, Slow Burn Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 Word Count: 3349 (average 25 min read) Content Warnings: mention of mating, homophobia, fantasy racisms. Steamy scenes will come to those who are patient. :) All orcish is from orcishdictionary.com, created by Matt Vancil.

I had never cried my whole life, as far as I could recall. Being raised in an orc commune doesn’t really create an environment for crying. You were expected to be tough…or die. I was used to shouldering through any hardship with grit and determination and keeping your chin up and proud throughout the challenge. 

However, I was unable to be strong watching Altan leave me again. 

I wasn’t sure what to do with all of the water leaking from my eyes and I stood stunned and gasping for air as I shuddered and shook.

How many times would I have to watch us do this? To be so close, so near, and then suddenly so far apart again? How many times would I have to see the back of him, leaving me?

Doxxah seemed to understand the whole of our situation without asking any questions and they were very patient with me the next few days as I struggled to stay focused on any basic task. I noticed how they would tell me to take breaks more frequently and conveniently dropped more cinnamon rolls on the floor - which meant they couldn’t be sold and I would have to eat them. They were caring for me like a coddling parent and even though I didn’t have the awareness to say anything then, I appreciated it more than they would ever know.

The day following Altan’s visit, there was a message delivered from the Duke’s Hall with a message that I was not allowed any contact with Altan, or there would be repercussions. There were no further details on what those repercussions would be.

“Why can you not just run away with him?” Doxxah asked.

I shook my head, “Altan is scared of his father. He pursued him across the continent to the Sword Coast when he ran away. I cannot imagine the consequences if he ran away with an orc like myself.”

“So now what? You wait for the Duke to die?” Doxxah asked. “It’s been almost a month since you’ve been here, what will you do?”

I shook my head, I didn’t really know. 

And Doxxah didn’t know either, but they promised me a place to stay for as long as I needed - forever if need be. I was grateful to them. So grateful to them and I promised to work hard to earn such generosity.

We agreed it would not be wise for me to go with Doxxah to make deliveries in the Hall, but Doxxah promised me that they would relay any messages to Altan if they were able.

What could I say in such short words that would quantify everything that I was feeling, everything I wanted to tell him? I wanted to tell him that I loved him in return. So much. I wanted to ask him to make sure he was eating enough, that he was staying out of trouble, that he was still making music. I wanted to ask if he missed me? Would he wait a long time for me? Or should I ask him to find someone else to love if our love was doomed from the beginning?

Instead, I gave Doxxah two word: djefham simpsad.

“What does it mean?” They asked.

“Light eternal.” I said. That was what Altan was to me, my eternal light. He was like the sun, wherever he was, I would bask in his light, burn in his gaze if he let me. 

Doxxah returned with Altan’s message on a slip of paper with Altan’s rushed handwriting; an Elven phrase that I spent the next few days tirelessly working to translate: “My light is yours eternally, my heart will be wherever you are, but I am most earnest to see you again.”

“You two are a bit disgusting.” Doxxah said, their voice endearing. “I’ve never seen such a sappy romance like the two of yours.”

I dismissed the teasing with a friendly smile and pocketed the note, it would stay close with me for however long I’d be away from him.

I worked through those days with a determination to earn a chance to be with him again. I took every day with the belief that if we were meant to be, an opportunity would reveal itself. Some god must have blessed us to be together if we were drawn to each other so randomly, I had to believe that they would bless us again. 

And the blessings came rather unexpectedly. 

It had been many weeks since Commander Gideon had visited, but he returned one quiet morning, dressed in common clothes. Doxxah greeted him with a flurry of hands reaching for all of the goods that they would be sending off with him.

“I have news.” Commander Gideon said quietly, but loud enough to catch my attention. I looked up from the back and caught his eyes on me. He gave a micro nod, and I wiped my hands on the apron I was wearing and came closer to the counter. 

Doxxah and I stood, expectant and curious.

Gideon reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. “I am reluctant to give this to you without providing some caution.”

“What is it?” Doxxah asked.

He continued to look at me intently, “It is an invitation to the Autumn Gala, addressed to Doxxah and those in your employ.”

Doxxah clapped their hands together. “Oh how delightful! I was wondering when my invitation would come! Drunrag this will be wonderful for you to see Altan!” They reached for the envelope, but Gideon snapped it just out of reach. 

“I believe the Duke is putting you,“ He nodded at me, “in a position to be caught with the young Hilmar. I promised the Young Lord that I would do my best to help you, and I have kept the Duke off your scent as much as possible, but I cannot protect you if you put yourself in the direct attention of the Duke. He is determined to find fault in you to remove you from this place. Do you understand?”

Doxxah looked over to me, their eyes narrowed, “Drunrag can control himself, right?”

I nodded, “I understand, Commander.”

He nodded and then put the envelope back in front of Doxxah. “I am relieved to hear you say this. I do not wish to see this end poorly for the two of you.” He glanced between us and bowed his head. “Del sends her love, good day.”

He turned and left and I stood in awe, the envelope still sealed in Doxxah’s hands.

“You will go?” I asked.

Doxxah nodded, “I must, I have a reputation to uphold.” With a deft slice of their claw, they unsealed the envelope and slid out the card that was pressed with gold foil script in big, curling letters. It was impossible for me to read. “And you? You will go?”

I nodded, “Even if it’s to see him from afar, I will go.”

Doxxah snorted then gasped, “Oh, but what will you wear? Darling I hate to break it to you, but you have no sense of taste.” 

I shook my head, “I…I don’t know.” I didn’t consider that this was in fact, a gala. That usually included posh people in clothes that were worth more than my forge.

“Leave that to me.” Doxxah said, “Trust me that I will make you stunning for your beloved.”

The gala was in two weeks, and they were probably the longest two weeks of my life. Now that I knew a chance to see Altan was coming, I was antsy for time to move faster. 

Doxxah delivered another message to him for me, containing the words, “Kupu, wakka dra natha.” Soon, I will see you. 

Altan’s reply: I yearn to be seen by you. 

Oh, Altan was maddening with his words. He was teasing me, pulling me into a state of want that I didn’t know I could feel for someone. 

I realized that this was the first time I had felt such strong feelings for anyone in my life. Ever. And to my own delight all of it was free from the rules of mating or lust. It was because of who Altan was. It was because of who I was. We were somehow just meant to meet, to be friends, and then naturally become…lovers?

The word still scared me. I realized that we had never really touched each other, except for in small fragile moments, but somehow he left me breathless, wanting, and yearning. I missed the nights that we used to be able to speak to each other through our dreams. It would have eased much of my worry and anxiety if I could just speak to him and comfort him. I worried what his father was doing to him. I worried that he was losing his light being confined there. He was meant to be free, to be roaming with the sun on his skin. He was not one to keep inside, locked up. 

I played with the vial around my neck. Possibly drinking it would return those dreams to us, but also everything else. It was a gamble to do that to ourselves, to Altan. The cost wasn’t worth it, but I still went to bed every night tempted to down the crimson liquid just so I could see him again. 

But the weeks eventually passed and the night of the Gala was upon us. My stomach was tight and Doxxah struggled to get me to do anything that day. I was completely useless, more a corpse than a body in the bakery and Doxxah finally banished me to my room to dress in the clothes they purchased for me and to stay out of the bakery. 

Doxxah had measured me and sent in an order for something tailored to fit me. I pulled from the box they handed me three articles of clothing. The first, a pair of black pants that fit loosely around my thighs, the inseam was low and gave the pants a baggy, loose look, but it narrowed on my shins and tucked neatly into the black boots that Doxxah had also purchased for me, they were a soft leather that was polished to a bright shine. The final piece was a black shirt with a low, almost plunging collar. My collarbone was nearly fully exposed, which Doxxah promised me it looked very enticing and would likely be to Altan’s taste. I trusted that they were right. The shirt had no sleeves, looking almost more like a vest, leaving my shoulders and arms exposed - also said to be enticing according to Doxxah. The buttons that run down the front were black pearl buttons and there was gold embroidery that was thin and subtle across the entirety of the fabric, it flashed and shimmered in only certain light, making Doxxah clap in delight. 

The night of the gala, Doxxah insisted that my hair be released from its topknot and be let free. I had come to learn that Doxxah having claws for hands did not stop them from being incredibly adept with them and they worked through my dark hair with experience, creating complicated braids that pulled the hair from my face. They told me that it helped accentuate my cheekbones and jaws - which were apparently also enticing. 

I didn’t realize so much about me could be described in such a way. Did Altan see these same things in me?

I was honestly a bit scared to find out. 

Doxxah hired a carriage to take us to the Duke’s Hall, even though it wasn’t far of a walk to get there. I learned in the last month that Doxxah also appreciated the finer things in life - I had learned much about hygiene, appearance and poise in that time that I had never learned in my lifetime.

My heart was beating wildly inside me. I had to be on my best behavior. I knew that the Duke was likely orchestrating all of this to meet my demise, but I would prove to him that I was worthy to love his son. And I had to see Altan again. It was a need I could not deny anymore.

The Great Hall was bursting with light, large chandeliers bouncing and refracting it into every corner and as we stepped into the room, I felt cold and my stomach tightened as I saw the crowds that swelled the space. I couldn’t make out faces, there were too many, and I didn’t want them looking at me in return. They were all human and they all were shorter, more slim, more smooth than either Doxxah or I. There were so many in large, voluminous gowns that sparkled and swished as they moved. Many people were dancing in the center of the hall as music rose and fell.

While Doxxah lifted their chin in pride and displayed their glistening violet scales and matching purple suit coat for all to see, I was caught frozen in that moment. I couldn’t be here. This is exactly where I didn’t belong. This is how people like me get hurt, get cornered into something dangerous.

Doxxah patiently pulled me back to their side and tried to remind myself to breathe as I stumbled into pace with them. My head felt dizzy as I brushed against more and more people and they all would turn and suddenly their eyes would widen at the sight of me. I couldn’t hide what I was to them. I couldn’t soften myself to fit them and I felt so wrong. 

“Doxxah, what a pleasant time to have you with us.” I turned to see the Duke approaching us, a wine glass in hand. “And I see you brought your newest employee.” I felt his stare on me, and how he took in everything that I’m sure he saw as wrong and distasteful.

Doxxah nodded, their grin was friendly but guarded. “He has joined as my apprentice.”

“And will he be staying long?”

Doxxah glanced at me and shrugged. “As long as he chooses.”

The Duke met my eyes and bowed before me. I felt the mockery in it and tensed as he extended his hand. “Duke Telaisin Hilmar, at your service. What may I call you?”

“Drunrag.” I answered, my hand hovered over his hand before Doxxah nudged my elbow and I took his hand in mine. “Drunrag Ulurat, Your Grace. It is an honour to meet you.” I had rehearsed the words again and again with Doxxah, but I still found them falling out of my mouth with heavy and webbed disdain. 

“You know my son, I hear.” he said, now standing at his full height, I saw that he was not much shorter than I and his upward gaze was only slight.

I answered with reluctance “I was able to help him when he was visiting the Sword Coast.”

“How lucky my son was to find such a close friendship with you.” The Duke said. “I must thank you for keeping him safe while he was away. And I’m grateful that you could be here to join us tonight, for I’ve made big plans for him tonight that will take him away from Berdusk, somewhere where he can’t be followed. His future is bright and I’m sure you understand how important it is that I send him where he won’t be distracted.”

I felt the heaviness of his words and I met his cold gaze, “I understand, Your Grace.”

“He takes on much of his mother’s traits, he loves easily and rushes into things rather rapidly.” He continued, my eyes darkened at his words, “I often find he goes through these phases that often hurt him in the end. I’m doing my best to protect him from such things, but he has remained willful and distracted since his return.” He regarded me, looking me up and down. “This change will do him good. I hope you don’t choose to follow him again. His future and yours do not align.” 

I didn’t answer, only stared back at him with my own cold, returning stare. 

“You understand?” His tone was becoming honey-sweet and cloying with charm. 

I felt Doxxah’s fixated stare on me, begging me to keep my mouth shut, but I felt my fists tighten and I raised my chin. “Altan is not a child. He does not need you to make his choices for him.”

“You will not be seeing him again after tonight, orc.” He said coolly. “You have tonight to say your goodbyes, and then you will leave and forget this place. If I ever find that you are seeking my son, I will see you suffer for it.”

He bowed towards Doxxah and turned away, not giving me a second glance.

[alwayslovingharry]

So Long, London

A/N: IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING, BUT!

HELLO, I'M BACK! I know it's been a long time since I've written (although I'm active on Tumblr from time to time), but I'm back. I've had a lot of ideas in my head for the last few months, fuelled by…well, ever since Taylor Swift's last album came out I've had a lot of Haylor theories and since then I've been a bit obsessed with the What If's and theories that some of Taylor's current songs are for Harry.

So out of all those What If's comes this Haylor One Shot which, from what I have in my head, could have more parts. I need your opinions on this and on the idea of publishing more of these two stories (I have several I've started to write).

PAIRING: Harry Styles x Taylor Swift

WORD COUNT: 2K

WARNING: Not an english native speaker.

SUMMARY: Two old lovers reunite during challenging time

——————————————————————————

End of August 2016

The summer sun shone brightly over the London park, casting dappled shadows through the lush green canopy. I adjusted my sunglasses as I strolled along the winding path, savoring the warmth and tranquility. This park had become my sanctuary, a peaceful retreat from the chaos that had enveloped my life in recent months.

The social media fallout of these last months had left me reeling. Once celebrated as America's sweetheart, I now found myself at the center of a relentless storm of criticism. My recent breakup with Calvin and the brief, highly-publicized affair with Tom after the Met Gala had only added fuel to the fire. But most of the media do not take into account the fact that my little whirlwind romance with Tom had ended almost as quickly as it had begun, leaving me feeling more alone than ever.

I took a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill my lungs. The park was nearly empty, the serenity broken only by the occasional chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves underfoot. As I turned into another path, a familiar figure caught my eye in the distance. My heart skipped a beat. It couldn’t be... could it?

I squinted against the sunlight, my mind racing as I tried to confirm what my eyes were seeing. Sure enough, it was him. His unmistakable silhouette, casual in a T-shirt and jeans, strolling towards me. But something clearly was different. The last time I saw him in person, he had a mane full of brunette curls. Now, from a distance I could see his hair was short, even shorter than when I met him years ago, framing his face in a way that was both new and strangely familiar. His presence here, in this park, seemed almost surreal, meeting your old flame in a London park.

“Taylor?” he called out, his voice tinged with disbelief as he recognized me.

“Harry!” I responded, my eyes lighting up.

We closed the distance between us, stopping a few feet apart. For a moment, we simply stood there, taking in the sight of each other. The years seemed to melt away, and I was transported back to simpler times.

“It’s been a while,” Harry said, his voice warm and friendly.

“Yeah, it has,” I replied, smiling. “What brings you here?”

“Just needed some peace and quiet,” he shrugged. “How about you?”

“Same,” I admitted. “It’s been a tough year.”

Harry nodded, his expression softening with understanding. “I heard. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Thanks,” I said softly. “It’s getting better, though. Slowly.”

We began to walk together, falling into an easy rhythm. The conversation flowed naturally, our shared history creating a comfortable familiarity. The sun filtered through the trees, casting playful patterns on the ground as we walked. The scent of blooming flowers mixed with the earthy aroma of the park, creating a soothing atmosphere.

“Do you want to talk about all…that?” Harry asked gently after I explained that I was living in London indefinitely for the time being, in a kind of self-imposed exile forced by the drama of the last few months. "I don't want to force you to tell me anything, but if you need to... I'm here."

I hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “I suppose it might help. It's just... everything happened so fast. One minute, I was at the top of my career winning all these awards and accolades for my work and the next, it was over and all the snakes fell on me. And I was alone, I’ve never felt so lonely. The whole thing with Kanye destroyed everything I have worked for since I was a child and everyone supported him in my demonization, no one stood up for me.”

Harry's eyes widened slightly. “I saw that. It must have been awful.”

“It was,” I admitted. “It felt like the whole world turned against me overnight. My social media was flooded with snake emojis, people calling me a liar, and saying even worse things. It was like I was trapped in a storyline full of lies that I never asked to be part of, ever since 2009.”

Harry nodded, his expression thoughtful. “I can’t imagine how tough that must have been. I’ve had my share of public scrutiny, but it sounds like you’ve been through the wringer.”

“It’s been rough,” I admitted. “But I’m trying to focus on the positive, I have decided to put some distance from the eye of the hurricane to lick my wounds and try not to end up going crazy. My music has been a lifeline, as always. It’s the one thing that’s kept me grounded through all this. But now, I’m not even sure if I can release new music again without my reputation being ruined all over.”

Harry turned to me, his expression serious. “You’re stronger than you realize, Taylor. What you’ve been through... it’s not easy, but you’ve handled it with grace. Your music has always been your strength. People love your music.”

“Thanks, Harry. That means a lot coming from you,” I said, my eyes softening. “You’ve always been good at lifting people up. But it's hard to think about putting myself out there again. What if it just brings more negativity?”

Harry smiled, his eyes full of warmth. “I get that. But think about all the people your music has touched, all the lives you've changed with your songs. You've always been true to yourself, and that's what matters.”

We found a bench and sat down, the golden afternoon sun casting a gentle glow around us. We sat in companionable silence for a few moments, watching the leaves sway in the gentle breeze. I felt a warmth spread through my chest, a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. The park seemed to cocoon us in its embrace, offering a momentary escape from the world outside.

“What about you?” I asked, breaking the silence. “How’s life been treating you?”

Harry shrugged. “It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster. I just finished filming 'Dunkirk' with Christopher Nolan, which was incredible but intense.”

"That sounds amazing, I never imagined you as a Nolan guy."

"Yeah, it's amazing that the long-haired guy from One Direction ended up in a Nolan movie," he replied with a sad smile.

"Well, I think it suits you, whatever the public or the press thinks. You always had a lot of hidden sides in you... I just thought you'd be more of a Spielberg guy."

"You think you're so funny, Miss Swift," he replied mockingly. “I’m also starting to write songs for my first solo album.”

"Oh, that's great, that's what I know best. How was it?"

“It’s exciting, but sometimes I miss the old days with the band. Things were simpler then.”

"Sometimes change is difficult."

"I just… miss not having four other guys around to make decisions... everything I decide is going to be on me if something goes wrong and... I feel like I have a responsibility now to reach a standard, to reach expectations, if I go through with this."

“I can relate to that,” I said. “Sometimes I miss the early days of my career, before everything got so complicated.”

Harry nodded, his eyes distant for a moment. “Yeah, fame can be a double-edged sword. But I guess we just have to focus on the things that matter.”

“Exactly,” I agreed. “That’s why I’ve been pouring my heart into my music. It’s been therapeutic, in a way.”

“I’m glad you have that,” Harry said, his voice sincere. “It’s important to have something that keeps you grounded.”

We walked in comfortable silence for a while, the sounds of the park providing a soothing backdrop to our thoughts.

“Do you ever miss it?” Harry asked, his voice quiet as we continued our stroll.

“Miss what?” I replied, glancing over at him.

“Having someone to share all of this with,” he said, his gaze distant. “A partner you can tell all your uncertainties and fears to.”

I paused, considering his question. “Sometimes,” I admitted. “But it’s difficult to find someone who understands everything about my life – the fame, the reputation. It’s a lot for anyone to take on.”

Harry nodded, his expression thoughtful. “Our way of life is something that is hard to understand for anyone who has been away from this kind of life. You want to believe in that connection, but it’s scary to open yourself up to that vulnerability again.”

“Exactly,” I said, feeling a weight lift off my chest as he put my feelings into words.

We walked in silence for a few moments, lost in our own thoughts. The park was bathed in golden light, the air filled with the sounds of nature around us.

“But,” Harry said softly, breaking the silence, “I think love is always worth taking the risk. Maybe finding someone to share your love with is worth fighting for, despite the pain of them not understanding what this life is about.”

I looked at him, a glimmer of hope stirring in my chest. “Maybe you’re right.”

We walked in silence for a few moments, lost in our own thoughts. The park was bathed in golden light, the air filled with the sounds of nature around us.

“But, I don’t know if I can risk it again,” I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper. “It’s so hard to find someone who understands this life, the constant scrutiny, the expectations. It’s exhausting. And when that person also lives under scrutiny and understands what it's like, it's even worse, because it's not only my reputation that's at stake, but also theirs.”

Harry nodded slowly. “As I see it, in a relationship where there are two previous big reputations, when you are together, it becomes one. You have to forget about the past and focus on a shared reputation, of course without forgetting that you both have separate projects, but keeping in mind that there is another person on whom, at least your public image depends. Then, maybe it’s not about finding someone who gets it all. Maybe it’s about finding someone who’s willing to try, who’s willing to be there for you despite not having all the answers.”

I considered his words, a thoughtful silence enveloping us. The park seemed to cocoon us

 in its embrace, offering a momentary escape from the world outside.

“But what if it just leads to more heartache?” I asked, my voice tinged with vulnerability.

Harry looked at me, his gaze steady. “Life is full of risks, Taylor. But sometimes, the greatest rewards come from the biggest risks. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy, who supports you through the highs and lows.”

I sighed, feeling the weight of his words. “I want to believe that. I really do.”

Harry gave me a small, encouraging smile. “You will. It just takes time.”

We continued our walk, the sun beginning its descent, casting a warm, golden glow over the park. As we walked, I felt a sense of peace settle over me, a sense of hope for the future.

“Thank you, Harry,” I said softly. “For being here, for listening. It means a lot.”

“Anytime,” he replied. “You’re not alone in this. Remember that. If you need to talk or anything else, I'm just a phone call away.”

As we walked, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of optimism for the future. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope waiting just around the corner.

——————————————————————————

Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, please leave any comments or leave a like it if you enjoyed it.

See you soon :)

[ask-the-royal-absol]

Kader had heard about this Star Sending event and thought it was a fantastic idea. He needed a distraction from the most recent event that had happened in his life. Though, it was tricky thinking about things he would truly want.

He began writing on the page, but soon screwed it up. It just wasn’t sounding right. Another attempt. That one ended up near the bin too. A third try.

“Dear Sending Spirit,

My name is Prince Kader Oberon. Thank you so much for gracing me with the opportunity to become a part of this celebration. What an exciting event! I was very much thrilled to hear about it and I definitely need some of that holiday cheer. My sister and I have recently experienced something truly awful and so I wish for this event to hopefully bring us a bit of joy during this tricky time.

Whoever receives this letter may consider this a wish list of sorts. I wish you luck, stranger. The first thing that comes to mind is some new fabric. You see, I just so happen to be a skilled tailor, sewing outfits for myself and others. A Prince needs something to do in this free time! I’d like to make a new dress for my sister. There is an incredibly important event coming very soon and I wish for her to wear something which I know she would love. She prefers yellows and blues but I’m sure I could make any fabric work for her. If you can find a gorgeous dress, that would work too as I could make alterations to fit her size.

Secondly, I’m thinking some gorgeous gemstones would be handy to have. Especially for when I need to add some extra flair to any outfits I make. I’d prefer to have green gemstones as it seems to be a colour I don’t have much of but any colour would work. It’s just be nice to expand my collection of gemstones to be able to use. We don’t really have too much access to different gemstones as the kingdom which mines them can be rather demanding of other resources so trading options are limited.

Next, I would love to grow my flower collection. The royal gardens are one of the most wonderful places to walk through. However, I feel as though there needs some grand flower or plant in the centre to really take it to the next level. Any colour will do as long as it’s grand enough to be consider centrepiece material. Don’t worry about it being a lot of work to look after. The royal gardeners know how to take care of a range of flowers so I have full confidence they will tend to it well.

Finally, if those items are tricky to find, cakes are something I tend to indulge in a lot so I would love to try a dessert from the land which you are from. I am open to any kinds of flavours but the sweeter the better. If you could also provide the recipe as well, I would be most gracious. I’m sure the royal bakers would be delighted to try a new challenge.

Again, thank you ever so much Sending Spirit for the chance to celebrate this wondrous event. And to whoever receives this list, I wish you luck on finding these gifts. Even if it is small, I shall be most thankful for your efforts.

Yours faithfully,

Prince Kader Oberon of the Kingdom of Whimsain.”

The prince put down his feather and looked over his letter again. It seemed good enough. He was happy with what he had thought of and hoped it was clear to any who had received it.

(Notes: Prince Kader would be thankful if any of these were given to him but he’d prefer the first one if possible. He may be less kind to those who give him a gift who are of the dark, ghost and poison types but would still be grateful either way. He’s currently going through a really tough time at the moment so he just needs that special something to help things feel better for him.

Basically the items he wants are:

-fabrics for dress making or a dress (preferably blue or yellow)

-gemstones to put on outfits

-a magnificent flower to become the centrepiece for the royal gardens

-a cake from your homeland (possibly recipe too)

Here’s a reference for Kader:

I think that’s everything!)

[good-beanswrites]

A drabble for Honesty with Yuno and Muu for @amugoffandoms! Thank you for the request -- not only was I really inspired by the concept, but writing this FINALLY made everything click in my brain about Muu's character. As Yuno is making realizations about her, so am I lmao 😂

Yuno was good at breaking people down. Given a bit of time, she could pick them apart -- what they wanted, what made them tick, what was going on behind the scenes. There were many methods to get them to give in and open up to her. Milgram had given her a challenge, though. Try as she might, she could not break Muu Kusunoki. And boy, did she try. 

As soon as they met, Yuno could see her for what she was. The two were the same, she thought with a bit of satisfaction. Yuno saw a bit of herself every time Muu read the room and responded accordingly, nudging people in a certain direction to get what she wanted. 

She tried everything in her power to connect. After all,  they were just two actresses trying to make it through this ordeal. But Muu never seemed to reciprocate. She delved into personal secrets in the hopes of seeing the other unmasked as well. She offered attention and praise. She grew chatty. She shut up and listened. She became more forceful, asking questions about her crime. Each time, Muu was far more focused on Haruka than anything else. There was something going on, and Yuno would get to the bottom of it.

Yuno knew there was only one option left to try. She’d always hated the honest route, though.

The pair had just seen Haruka off with sweet smiles. They had a quick moment to themselves in the dining hall. Yuno rested her cheek on her palm.

“Why do you do that?”

Muu took a sip of her drink, avoiding her eyes. “Do what?”

“String Haruka along like that.”

“He’s Muu’s friend. Of course we hang out.”

“He won't do anything for you in the long run. He can't.”

“Do anything…?” She giggled sweetly, knowing exactly how to angle her head to appear oblivious. “Isn’t being my friend enough?”

Yuno sat up straight. She was tired lying in circles around each other.

“Come on. Just be honest with me. What are you trying to gain in all this?”

Her face scrunched in confusion. “I told you, I want a friend. Someone who likes me and treats me well. Haruka gives Muu lots of attention. He tells me I’m pretty, and nice.” She smirked, but it was the kind of smile that showed she knew she was pretty and nice. “And I like him, too! He’s cute. Like a sad little puppy, you know? I’m less lonely with him.”

At that moment Yuno was hit with a sudden and painful realization. It was a rare occasion in which she had been wrong about someone: unlike her, Muu was an honest girl. 

All of their past conversations made sense, now. Muu never lied, she just stayed quiet. She didn't twist any truths, she just offered different ones. She may have been giving others exactly what they wanted, but she never had to fake parts of herself to do so.

Muu squinted at her. “Don’t you have friends that are just… well… friends?” Yuno’s gaping expression must have gone unnoticed, because she simply laughed. “You’re funny, you know that?” 

“Mm…”

The two sat in awkward silence. Well, it was to Yuno. Muu seemed perfectly untouched as she finished her drink. 

She stood. “Muu is going to go see what the others are doing.”

“Alright, have fun,” Yuno said distantly. “It was nice talking with you.”

“Oh, was it? I thought it was kinda weird.”

A dry laugh escaped her. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

Muu made it to the doorway before Yuno blurted. “Hey.” She had one last question, and knew she’d get an honest answer. “Why did the warden forgive you? I heard it was a really tough decision for them.”

“Hmph, I still think they should have forgiven Muu very easily…” She tapped a finger to her lips, thinking cutely. It was a practiced pose of Yuno’s, but she made it look effortless. It probably was. “I guess they finally understood that what I did was to protect myself, and that I was worth it. I mean, you were forgiven too, so you understand.”

She left with a dainty wave. And that’s when Yuno was hit with a second painful realization. Another rare occasion: she was jealous.

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy! I just found your blog and really wanted to talk to you if you've got time but I got nervous so here's an anon. So I'm in my very early twenties and in the last few years have been really interested and taken by the idea of d/s dynamics. I don't have a boyfriend and am not really comfortable signing up to any sites so that's not really the issue. But as I'm going on dates and stuff I do find myself looking for that character that would resemble a dominant guy. I didn't realize it but I am attracted to that energy. What I'm concerned about though is the reason...for that attraction. So I'm in drama school but we can't really afford it so I have 2 part time jobs rn. One is this modeling agency that sometimes gets me by. It doest do much in my country but once a month a few hundred if im lucky, do come in handy. The issue is that the people I'm around and the environment is very toxic. Not just in a photoshoot but mainly. I've had to shut my mouth and smile and "submit" to guys just to remain part of the project. I don't feel comfortable doing more provocative stuff so that's been an issue and my manager keeps pressuring me about it at every opportunity. The relationship w him is weird he's a nice guy in general but sometimes he's too pushy. I also had a bf in the past (the only one) we were together briefly but he ordered me around a lot, and we never talked ab any of this but he was very strict with what I wore ect. What I'm trying to say is, I've had very traumatic experiences w all these people and am really worried whether the dynamic between us pushed me to want it? Like if my desires are somehow influenced by my trauma? Have you had similar concerns? How did you realize this is what you wanted and that it is not a response to something? I hope you're comfortable answering, but if not thank you for what you're doing your page has been really informative and I've learnt a lot xxxxx

Hi there!

I would be happy for you to message me if you decide you feel comfortable at any point, but anons are okay too! It's a big part of why I leave them on, for people who feel comfortable sending asks but not asking questions or whatever on DM. :)

This worry you're sharing about wondering if your desire to be a sub or be submissive comes from your trauma is something that I think a ton of subs have considered or worried about at some point. You'll definitely get a different answer to these questions if you ask other people. In my view, this is one of those areas where the 'right' answer can vary from person to person. So, this is just my take of course.

I am trying to avoid writing an extremely long post, so if you want or need me to elaborate feel free to follow up. But in a nutshell...I think most people have "little t trauma" from childhood that caused them to adapt to try to find connection and feel safe (physically or emotionally) and loved from a SUPER young age, to the point where it's challenging to know what it even would mean for a lot of us to say X is me, but Y is my trauma. Like 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style, and that primarily develops in the first year of our lives. So then we're still babies but we're already trying to change our own behavior to feel connected to our mother or our primary care giver. When that's the case...I think it's really, really tough to know who or what you would have been without the trauma as it's baked into your personality and coping methods SO early that we can't remember anything else. And so...I guess my goal has been to try to do a combination of accepting myself while also looking as honestly as I can at who/how I am now and look to change anything that I want to change or think needs improved. And with that in mind...I couldn't begin to tell you if I'd be a sub sexually or personality wise if I didn't have trauma. I just think that's an impossible question to try to figure out. Instead, I try to look at whether what I crave is healthy. If what I want to do is healthy for me, then it's okay if it IS based in trauma. I mean, plenty of things can be caused by trauma but still be really good things. For example, I feel pretty confident that the reason I seek healthy, safe feeling communication with my partner is because I grew up with lots of yelling and conflict and meanness. But I think that desire to have healthy, loving, safe communication is a good thing so I don't feel the need to reject that desire I have, as it's good, regardless of the cause being 'negative' or sad. I've come to the conclusion that D/s and BDSM can be healthy things for me. That isn't to say that I think I could do anything I wanted and call it D/s or BDSM and have it be healthy. But I think that a lot of what I desire sexually and within my relationship is healthy, and I embrace those things. And when I find myself craving something that is less healthy, I try to avoid embracing those ideas, or avoid acting out those fantasies, or resist those behaviors. For me, one thing I have to fight against is the instinct to be extremely passive. Passive feels safe to me because of my trauma, and I can sometimes incorrectly convince myself that I am being a good sub by being passive. That isn't always true, so I have to really keep an eye on any passivity and make sure that I am truly submitting from a place of desire and choice, and not from a place of it 'feeling good' because my brain is telling me that inactivity to appease others is safe and familiar. We try to regularly re-look at the things we do and ask ourselves again if all the details of how we're managing our D/s and BDSM are healthy for both of us. We try to ask if we're reinforcing healthy ideas or unhealthy ideas. Sometimes it changes over time and we have to adjust.

With you being new and young, I'd also suggest that you try to be extremely careful with what you learn about D/s and BDSM, and triple check that it's healthy. Some people will claim that literally anything done in the name of kink is healthy as long as it's consensual. I think that is a really wild viewpoint, personally. I think consent is really the absolute bare minimum, but a lot of people will consent to things that are harmful to them emotionally, and I think that is unhealthy. Of course, what is unhealthy is extremely opinion based, and I think it also can vary a lot from person to person...something could be unhealthy for me to consent to but perfectly healthy for you to consent to if we have different life experiences, different traumas, etc. At a really basic level I'd suggest looking really closely at whether D/s and BDSM make you feel good in terms of things like...confident, loved, empowered, authentic, loved, safe, secure, etc - or if it feels outright bad, or 'good' but only in the sense that feeling bad feels somewhat good to you (this is true for some with trauma), or if it makes you feel small, inferior, used, scared, insecure, etc. And then also if/when you get into a D/s relationship look at whether the things you try seem to be inspiring positive changes and growth, or negative patterns. Maybe at first you happily agree to let your dom decide whether or when to cut your hair, but over time you realize that you feel less 'yourself' when you can't control your own hairstyle fully. If that becomes the case, then in my opinion, it would be healthier to go back to deciding your own hair.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it's helpful in some way. Good luck to you, please continue to look out for yourself! It can be a scary world out there for young subs. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to look out for yourself though...even in wanting to figure out what your answer to the questions you sent in this ask are. So, good work. :)

[fizzingwizard]

I feel a need to write about today minute by minute. It's always annoying to forget details and remember them inconveniently at the wrong time, but not at the right now. And I need to vent as usual lol. Oh work.

At 9:45, I take my students to the bathroom. One pees on the floor. I am calling and calling his name, I am standing next to him, looking right at him, but he is just staring at nothing, peeing on the floor and his shoes. I absolutely do not get it. He was in another world. So I'm dealing with the mess and ask my coworker (A) to switch lesson time with me so she can teach during my slot while I clean.

When I get back to my room, 1 is teaching and the kids are misbehaving. Coworker 2 is there. B2is brand spanking new. Joined us literally last week. She is nice and hard working, I don't think she has much experience with little kids though. I have no doubt she'll get the hang of it soon, but as for now she really doesn't know what to do. I do my best to get the class in order as well as prep for the next things.

1 finishes and I teach my lesson. Challenging student A is crawling around the back of the room. 2 is trying to stop A. I try to tell her to leave him alone. We suspect he's on the spectrum, but he's too young for a diagnosis, so my choice has been to let him take the lead with what he wants to do as long as he isn't a danger to himself or other kids. There is too much pressure on young kids in Japan to be "well-behaved," and while in a school group certain behaviors are important, I'm not trying to force my students to be robots. 2 just isn't familiar with A, but I, the teacher who is familiar with him, have to teach my damn lesson. Then Challenging student I kicks up his usual mid-lesson fuss, so I ask 1 to take him for a walk outside for a couple minutes. I can't go handle him myself because I. Am. Teeeeeaachinggggg. 1 has a tough time with him and the manager gets involved.

I finish the lesson and get my kids ready to go outside. We go to the toilet then have a drink. I ask 2 to help the kids get their water bottles because another student is having a melt down, so I'm dealing with them. When I look over, the kids have all attacked the water bottle basket. They are supposed to sit by the wall and wait for their name to come get their water bottle, but they either didn't listen to 2, or 2 didn't understand how much leadership is needed with toddlers even over very small things. So I have to go and fix the water bottle situation. Then Youngest student K pees all over her pants, despite sitting on the toilet not five minutes ago and refusing to pee, lol. So 1 comes back and changes her. I don't even remember what 2 was doing at this point, but she was occupied with something.

The energy among the kids is Chaos. You get familiar with it. After trying everything in the book, I finally decided we were not in the right atmosphere to go outside. I had them sing a quiet song, fix our listening ears, and then, one by one, I called them by name to chose an activity to do indoors. After a while 1 is done cleaning up K, and I have no idea what 2 was doing. I facilitate everything with the activities and it's the most peaceful it's been all day.

We clean up and then go back to the bathroom. I send 1 and 2 back with about half the class to start getting ready for lunch. When I get back with the rest of the kids, it's loud and crazy, A is crying on the floor, 1 is trying to calm him down, 2 looks like she doesn't know what do first. I give A a hug and he calms down right away. I get my toy megaphone and have the kids sing a song with it. We have lunch. I'm dying.

After lunch: A refuses, as he always does, to clean up his fork and spoon. He throws his jelly cup. 1 takes him aside to explain to him why it's dangerous to throw things. He throws a fit. I don't know this is going on because I'm helping other kids. I don't know what 2 was doing again except for understanding she couldn't be left to make decisions. So I can't leave the room for the next bathroom trip while 1 is with A. She's gone for a while and A is just crying and crying. Finally she comes back, and I just grab 2/3s of the kids and take them to the bathroom. I am not "supposed" to have that many kids with me by myself. But this is the fact: I was better equipped to take care of that many kids than my coworkers were to take care of the few who I left behind with them.

I did have to leave Challenging student TE behind because he was so over the top wild all day, and had just been hitting and poking other kids. Since I had to leave, I had him sit in a chair and told him, as well as both co-teachers, that he needed to sit there for one minute, then he would be allowed to go read a book. When kids are this young, making them sit somewhere to "think about their actions" is totally counter-productive. They forget really fast what they're even supposed to be reflecting on and only remember that they're unhappy. There is no point and it's mean to do it to them. The point of putting TE in the chair was for him to calm down. Ideally I would have been with him, but if you haven't noticed (which I think my school hasn't sometimes!) I am only one person and can't be EVERYWHERE, I DO need support from co-teachers. But I did my best to compromise - since I couldn't be there, I made sure my co-teacher understood TE could leave the chair and read a book, he was NOT in time out or any kind of punishment.

We luck out that being so late means we don't have to compete with other classes for the toilets, and we're done in ten minutes. We get back to the room. Two teachers with a small group of fairly easy kids and the room's not clean yet and the kids aren't all cleaned up from lunch yet. AND!! T is still in the chair. Not only is TE still in the chair, but N has crawled behind him and they're giggling together. This means TE was in the chair for at least ten minutes, WAY too long. (And much longer than I had specifically said!) Also no one was watching N. Again, there were TWO teachers in the room with a small number of kids - so small that it was under ration for JUST ONE OF THEM. I HAD ALL THE REST. BY MYSELF. I want to cry I swear I want to cry just remembering it.

Well anyway! Fizz is back now so let's get things in order. I ask 1 to take the kids who had been left in the room to the bathroom. 2 finishes the cleaning while I watch the class play. Peace finally returns for a while. It's clear we aren't going to do ANYTHING constructive today, but sometimes with toddlers it is what it is. At least they are happy and playing well together for the most part.

So, when 1 comes back, I decide it's time to deal with A. A is extremely, extremely challenging. He is a total sweetheart, but he's got what we'd call a defiant personality. He simply doesn't understands the difference between responsibility and being forced to do things. Choice is very important to him. That is fine in general, but it's not fine, for example, if his choice is to whack another kid with a toy, or to stick his hand down the toilet, etc.

A's mom is trying hard to potty train him, so she is sending him in underwear every day. The problem is, A is defiant about going to the toilet. So he wears underwear but holds in his pee all day until he wets his pants. Our strategy, with mom's approval, is not to force him. Of course we don't force ANY of our kids to do things, but what I mean is, to A, things feel like being "forced" which to other kids are just "mild persuasion." We don't want A to feel that using the toilet is a negative experience where his feelings don't matter. We also know A does much much much MUCH better one on one than in groups. So we have found that if we take him to the toilet AFTER all the other kids have already gone, he can do it.

1 had a hard time with A today because said "it's scary" and "go away" and was rude to her. I did explain that A is only saying these things because they get a result. He's not actually afraid of the toilet. He uses it perfectly fine when he's in the right mood. He also isn't afraid of A, who is, if anything, too nice with the kids lol. He has said the same things to every other teacher as well. It's a power move: he isn't hurt. However, since 1 and A have had a few unproductive clashes all day (and still are: A is refusing to clean up from lunch even now), I decide it's not a good idea to ask 1 to take A to the toilet. However, A still needs to go. It's not good to hold your pee in so long. And having random days where he doesn't get a chance to use the toilet at the usual time is not good for his potty training either.

So I talk to 1 and 2 individually and tell them that I am taking A to the toilet, and that they don't have to do anything except watch the kids play. I tell 2 especially which kids need extra careful watching because they sometimes play rough. It's peaceful when A and I leave the room.

Well, I got A to pee in the toilet no problem. He said "no" only a couple times and then just went and did it. Yay. It took some comforting first but progress is progress.

I get back to the class and - someone bit TA on the hand while I was gone. NEITHER of the two teachers in the room saw it. Full disclosure - it happens. We do our best, but not even pre-K teachers have eyes on the back of their head. But this coming after the entire rest of the day - I just felt like I couldn't leave the room, but also no one else could leave the room when kids needed to. I had to be there and be elsewhere and be with every kid somehow. 1 and 2 tell me they think S bit TA because that's what the other kids said. This is terrible news, because S does not handle being "in trouble" well, no matter how much we reassure she isn't. But I have no choice: I have to take S and TA into the hall so we can talk about what happened.

I have no intention of accusing S of anything teachers didn't witness her do. My intent is to ask her if she bit TA, and when she inevitably said no, to explain to both of them why gentle hands are important during play time, and then let S go back to playing. If no one saw her and she says she didn't, I have to believe her. Besides - in my own opinion, it's unlikely she bit TA. She can get rough sometimes, but it would be the first time she ever used her teeth. TE, however, was a biter in the spring. He got much better for a while, but only a couple weeks ago he bit both me and 1. He bites as a form of play, not in aggression. Since we have a biter in the class, I think it's more likely him than S, who has never bitten another kid before. However, I wasn't in the room at the time, and my impression from what the other teachers told me, just then, was that they thought it was highly likely S had bitten TA. Only later did I find out they weren't really sure. What I would have done if I'd realized is talk to the class as a whole, rather than take one child aside.

S had a total melt down. She's a fighter, thrashes, kicker, and screamer when she is upset. I asked the manager to help because while I speak Japanese, my sometimes awkward grammar can be an impediment to an upset child, or an upset child's voice can be more difficult for me as a non-native speaker to understand. I tell the manager I want S to understand that I am not angry, she is not in trouble, we just want to hear from her if she was involved with what happened to TA, and that if she says she wasn't involved she will be believed. But S is too upset even to listen in her own language. It's clear that she's turned off words completely and is just melting down. In the end, she bumps her head thrashing. It's hardly a bump, and tbh I'm grateful for it, because it calmed her down enough to listen to me offer to take her to get some ice for it. Once I have the ice, she lets me hug her and finally lets me tell her that I love her and she is just fine. I ask her if she did anything to TA. She says no. I say okay, I believe you, shall we go play? And we go back to the manager to say thank you for helping, because I want S to have a good relationship with the manager too.

Get back to the classroom it's 1:40 aaaaaaahhh. I let the kids play a few minutes longer so that after all that drama S doesn't have to immediately clean up the toys when she finally gets back inside. We're late going to the bathroom. Somehow I get all the kids in and out, diapers changed, and ready for good-bye time and I get all their valentines sent home. We don't have time for more than one song, then it's nap time.

During nap time I direct my coteachers (a fourth part-timer, 4, has shown up just before good-bye time - I don't usually have three helpers, but I assume she was added to my room because the manager anticipated, to some extent, how rough we were going to have it with just me and two newbies) to change about five kids clothes. Because yeah, it's February, but holy shit it's HOT outside. I kept wanting to turn off the heat, only to look at the thermostat and realize it wasn't even on! I can't switch it to cool air by myself, so we just had the fan on, but with so many bodies it hardly helped. The kids should have been changed into cooler clothes much earlier. It was just another thing that I couldn't get done by myself. But now we're changing clothes left and right, especially those fleece-lined pants I despise so much. They're nice if you're outside, but little kids overheat in seconds: don't put them in heat-retaining clothes if they're going to be running around a lot, even in winter! Some kids are wearig threeeeeeeeeeee layersssssss. I know it's winter but it's winter in KANSAI it's nOT that big of a deal. We had two weeks below zero which was too cold for my heater, yeah, but only lasted two weeks! It's now warm enough in midday to go out without a jacket even! (Which is weirdly warm for the time of year even here tbh...)

I stay in the nap room through part of my off-duty time to make sure all the difficult nappers go to sleep, because yesterday they didn't, and another classroom teacher who had nap duty with them for a while afterward kept talking about how they were playing during nap but slept because she "didn't let them not sleep." Which made me feel like I was being accused of not being firm enough with them. Again, like I am the only teacher there. To be clear, I don't think that's what this teacher meant to imply. I think she was just talking. It's because I feel so pressured to do everything and to never take my own break time because my own kids need ME and won't accept the other teachers. It isn't because I'm too nice to them. It's because the other teachers are new and inexperienced, or part-timers who barely even know the kids. Of course they don't respond to them as easily. Of course they get better results when I'm there instead. But if I'm always there, I'm never off duty. And even if I never took breaks, I still have to do progress reports, lots of other paperwork, prep crafts and activities, wash and organize things, as well as my own daily assigned cleaning duty. I HAVE to be away from the kids for SOME portion of the day. The other teachers NEED to be able to put the kids to sleep without me!!!

Surprisingly at this point I wasn't feeling super stressed. We had survived the day - a kid got bit, which is never good, but it didn't break the skin, he's perfectly fine, and not to be cavalier about it but I've seen way worse. (Way worse happened in other class the same day actually.) If a class of toddlers gets to nap time safe and happy, the day's a success... that's the bar you shoot for sometimes lol.

But as I'm a huge overthinker, by 3:30 I had starting doom-telling the future, where I continue to have this situation of my kids being wild and me being the only teacher in the room with a voice. Me having to direct not only my students, not only one new co-teacher, but BOTH coteachers. Me having barely any support every day. My usual partner every year, 3, has wanted to quit all year. Her plan was to quit in September. No replacement was found by then, so she was convinced to stay till December. Surprise surprise, STILL no replacement. She agrees to stay till the end of the year BUT only three days a week, and what days those are keep changing. (Also, even on days when she's here, there's enough general chaos that she or 1 get sent to other classes to help them instead. So there's very little stability in my room apart from myself.)

I am questioning whether I should have stayed in the classroom when I left, or left when I chose to stay - I'm questioning every single thing that happened all day and it's like I just can't be everywhere. I need support. I can't be needed with the challenging students because 1 and 2 aren't able to handle them yet, but also needed with the rest of the students because 1 and 2 don't know what to do with so many kids. This is impossible, isn't it? This is ridiculous.

So I talk to the manager. She is very meek - clearly expected something like this. But she doesn't have anything to say. It's not in her power to make the experienced co-teachers we desperately need appear. It is the company's fault for continuing to enroll students even while we're understaffed :) and the majority of our staff now is very inexperienced :) :)

So she can't reassure me that this won't keep happening. (BTW, it's not the first time I had this coworker situation in the classroom - just more my breaking point.) She asks i I want her to talk to my co-teachers. I definitely don't. 2 only started last week - imagine getting a talk from the manager after only one week of work, while barely out of training, even a "nice" talk. 2 is a hard worker and I have no doubt she'll be great when she has some experience, but it's not going to happen fast, let alone in one week. And 1 has been here since June, but it's still her first year, her first job with kids, and she's barely 20. She's also trying super hard. I have no complaints about either of these coworkers that don't amount to they're just not ready for the level of responsibility they inevitably have when there are no more experienced teachers around. (Or only me, I should say.)

I did talk to 1 just to see how she was doing. She is a very upbeat person. I was nervous she would feel I was criticizing her, which is the opposite of what I want, but she was honest about her struggles with A and listened to my advice about letting him take the lead as long as he not dangerous. I also talked to her about letting TE sit in the chair so long and why it's not good for little kids. She was lovely the whole time. She's a very refreshing change from sensitive coteachers who treat every bit of not overtly positive feedback as a personal attack.

I'd like to say that's the end of my crazy day but guess what there's mooooore!!

PART TWO UNDERSTAFFING STUCKS

So like I've talked about endlessly, we've been understaffed all year. Our schedule was created under the assumption that 12 full time teachers would be at the school the majority of the time. The reality of this year, however, is that during our busiest time of day, from 4:00, we have like. Five.

My cluster of classes is particularly affected. I am the ONLY full time teacher there every day. One teacher always leaves at 4, two teachers are sometimes there with me but twice a week go home at 4:30 and may be off duty at 4:00, and one teacher is there till 4:30 but only three times a week. Since November we also got a bunch of part-timers who come in the afternoons. As nice as it is to have their help, they are a big part of the problem: the kids don't know them and they don't know the kids. They tend to sit in silence while the kids play and do very little to stop their misbehavior.

They also can't hand out snack because of allergy concerns. That is the reason why, since the beginning of the year, I have been on snack duty almost every day. As 1 got more accustomed to working here, she now helps with that, and another coworker from another class is there regularly now as well. But because I'm the only one guaranteed to stay at least until 5, it's still usually me. This duty is exhausting because kids are messy and there's a lot to do, and it's been an entire day so your body is ready to give out lol.

But the problem now is less that I'm tired while on snack duty and more that on days when the other teachers are gone from 4:30, I have to do ALL the duties to some extent. Today, for example. 1 left at 4:30. I was the only full-timer. One of the other teachers there is a sub, but one who is usually at our school four days a week. She's been with us all year and does know the kids. It's usually fine to have her in the room, except that she is a very quiet person and not very active. She listens to direction but doesn't necessarily notice things on her own. This wasn't fine today because the other two teachers were both brand new part-timers who don't know the kids.

All three of them were just. Sitting on the floor. Watching the kids play. Changing some diapers and struggling with the fussy kids because they don't know how to handle them. So who handled those kids? I did. I go over and voila, the kid who has been refusing to change her diaper for ten minutes suddenly is changed! Magic.

And the kids playing on the floor: they're gonna fight over toys, right. So who is going to mediate? Not the teachers SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR WITH THEM. Nope. Fizz is gonna have to put the vacuum down, pick my way through the kids with my gloved hands, and negotiate sharing of toys, then go back and continue to clean. And repeat over and over. When do I get to sit on the floor?? Lol.

It was a particularly messy snack (we all hate it) today, and usually the cleaning teacher can clean the silverware in the staff room. But because of the... uh... teacher situation, I didn't feel comfortable being out of the room even that long. So I stayed after I clocked out to clean it.

I also managed to take A to the toilet a second time!!! This is huge because he has so far refused to go to the toilet no matter what after nap, and I hated that he was just holding it in. He definitely has to pee after nap but just won't go. But I talked to him for a while, and suddenly he told me he would go if I carried "all" his toys. He enjoyed listening to me count them as he piled all nine of them x'D into my arms. Any other kid I wouldn't allow to do this, but A needs to feel like he's the leader and making his own choices. It's not dangerous, and it's getting him to go to the toilet happily for the first time ever. Which he did. He was an angel in the bathroom. I could have cried for the nth time today, but happy tears this time. I'm really proud of him.

Finally we reach the end of my day. It took an hour to type this out how I wanted it. But I'm glad, because I want to remember as many details as I can about what today is like. I had trouble figuring out what the core of the struggles today were. I tend to blame myself. Especially as the most experienced teacher, I felt everything that went wrong as a reflection of my lack of ability. But, while maybe it's difficult to say for certain about myself, after typing this I gotta admit I don't think I made bad decisions. I think I did the best that I could with what I was given. When I talked to the manager, I said "If I could do today over, I would skip brushing teeth time," because that is something we are allowed to skip if it's truly necessary - but then I realized that actually, the situation would have occurred anyway, because the kids still need to go to the toilet. They're potty training, they need to go the toilet no matter what. There's just no way I and my students could be in the classroom all day without ever leaving.

So on looking back I feel I really was put into a ridiculous situation, and have been all year long. I sometimes get so frustrated and feel like I'm an emotional wreck for getting frustrated easily. Then, when I really stop and think about the year as a whole, I wonder why I'm not MORE frustrated. I wonder why other teachers aren't more frustrated too. Or if they are and just quiet about it. It's just so ridiculous that all these problems would have been avoided by JUST STAFFING THE SCHOOL ADEQUATELY FROM THE START OF THE YEAR OMFGGGG

You'd think nearly every teacher quitting in a single year would signal something, but heads are turned the other way so convincingly that even I, who was there suffering with them, and am here suffering now too, start to think I'm the one who's perspective is skewed.

One final thought: part of the reason it's hard to talk about it at work when things are difficult for me is because another class has had an even rockier year. They went through THREE main teachers. Two quit. The third is a sub who didn't want to be a main teacher but was forced into it. At least she's still here. (And annoyed that she was refused the option of going back to subbing next year.) One of her part-time coworkers quit suddenly in January. The other part-time coworker is a sub (the quiet one I mentioned above). One full-time coworker only joined us in like September. She's good, good enough we often forget she's so new. But she IS new and that's just gonna be rough sometimes, no getting around it.

Also this class keeps getting given new students????????? I am SO confused why that is. The other comparable class has gotten a couple new kids, but it's like 2 kids to 5, AND that rocky class also has THREE kids who are technically "baby" age still. We used to have a required 1:3 ratio for that age of kids - used to until this year when the company needed to get more tuition money while paying fewer teachers 9_9 That age is hard AF. Also one of the new kids throws up. Like. Constantly.

[ashlingnarcos]

talking heads

500 words - five characters x 100 words per character, in the style of sitcom talking head interviews. kinda crack. ANYWAYS—

MÓN: Everyone knew. Everyone knew! I told them I was saving it for myself until after we finished negotiations, as a treat for not shooting Miguel in the face, and nobody objected. I specifically remember telling everyone because this happened when we were all over at Alicia’s new place for some kind of housewarming party, I don’t know, I told Alicia not to move out of the house because she was just gonna end up at the old place most of the time anyways, it’s not like she can’t sneak girls in and out, I do it myself all the—

MÍN: What? No. Món’s probably just high again. What’d he say? [...] I mean, I’m not crying over Molina’s grave, but do you think I have time for DIY murder? The rumor is that one of the Arellanos did it personally, yeah, I heard. But do you—look at this fucking stack of paper on my desk. Look at my calendar. I barely have time to tuck in my daughter goodnight. I had to pencil it in right after random sample auditing our account book, and right before Ruth and I—well, anyways. I don’t kill people personally, I don’t have the time.

PANCHO: I’m the only Arellano with no reason to kill Molina, except maybe Mamá. I know everyone’s up in arms about him infringing on the western coast, but he’s young and he’s just feeling his oats. Molina was the kind of kid you want to employ, not kill. He was smart enough to move weight and stupid enough to not pose a challenge. These are the kinds of things you learn in jail; who to kill, who not to kill. I don’t care so much about ego anymore. Unless it’s Chapo. Then we should tie him to a truck and—

DINA: Sure, I can tell you who killed Molina, but first you need to tell me: what is this witnesses’s name, account of events, reason for being out so late at night, and home address? Oh, it’s just a rumor? Mm-hm. After Ramón called dibs on killing him, was there any reason for someone to kill him and then lie? No? And Molina trespassing on our western waters, did that affect anyone other than ourselves? And this rival of his, does he or does he not have a reputation for setting people on fire? Well, then. Go talk to Mayo. 

[Producer’s note: MAYO couldn’t be reached for comment]

CLAUDIO: —so then I thought that Mín was assigning him to me, you know, like a test? Of course I wanted to ask Dina about it, but that would be cheating. No help. I had to borrow Món’s car, though. Molina was drunk, I had a gun, and all the witnesses ran once they got a look at the car. I panicked a little, so I set the body on fire to destroy evidence. How’d you know it was me?

PRODUCER: I didn’t. I asked you how you were doing.

CLAUDIO: Oh.

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For @narcosfandomdiscord's Day of Tough Shit: write a fic with a word count evenly divisible by 500

[athenasparrow]

The Reward | A Jily Oneshot

Last month I wrote a @jilymicrofics for each day of March. This month I'm challenging myself in a different way by writing three oneshots that incorporate all 30 prompts between the three of them. This one includes: soar - mercy - reward - flush - shiver - groan - agony - weave - beard - pop.

Read on AO3 | 1,646 words

Summary:

A Jily Microfic in which Lily just wants to cum and James makes her beg for it.

Cut for smut

“I’ve had a really tough day,” Lily announced, walking in to the common room she shared with James and sagging on to the couch in a dramatic slump. 

The Heads Common Room was inviting and warm, immediately enveloping its occupants in a delicious hug. Lily’s body sank into the plush sofa that was positioned before the prime spot, in front of the fireplace. The walls were lined with bookshelves, ranging from ancient tomes of magical theory to the latest muggle romance. In the corner of the room, a large oak desk was piled high with parchment, quills and ink bottles and was usually Lily’s home on a Tuesday night.

Lily had been afraid the room would be overrun by pranks and mischief, but it had become a sanctuary for both of them. A palace of comfort, laughter and love.

James’ concern that had appeared at her words, softened to amusement as he took in her pout.

“And what would you like me to do about it Lily?” he asked, trying to ignore the blood that was flowing south at the sight of her soft lips pursed for him.

“I was hoping for a kiss.” Lily murmured, her tone leading as her lips tried to fight the slight upturn James could see tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“A kiss, hmm?” James said disbelievingly. “Somehow I think you have some other reward in mind for your tough day.”

“Well I didn’t say where I wanted your kiss,” Lily smiled, miraculously overcoming her fatigue to swing her leg over him and settle on his lap. “Oh, so you do like the idea,” she taunted, pushing her hips against the delicious feel of his hardness.

“You already knew that love,” James huffed as he pulled her tighter, conveniently closing the distance between them so he could steal a kiss. James ran his tongue over her lips in a slow drag, eliciting a soft whine from Lily as she snuggled into him.

When James was eleven years old, he didn’t think there could be anything better in the world than soaring through the sky on a broom. The wind rushing against your face and the freedom of an untethered existence always provoked a rush of exhilaration and joy straight through James’ body. But kissing Lily was even better than soaring through the sky. It provided James with a feeling of liberation, like he was unencumbered by the constraints of gravity, unruled by the laws of the physical world, even though his feet remained planted firmly on the ground.

Lily smiled at the groan that escaped James as she moved her hips again, weaving her fingers through his hair and tugging at the strands as she hit his scalp.

His hands crept up her legs, pushing aside her robes so he could feel the soft skin of her thighs. His fingers rubbed a gentle pattern on her skin as he crept higher and higher until he dusted the edge of her knickers.

Lily sighed into his mouth, feeling him throb under her as he circled his fingers back for another pass.

“James, I want–

“Shhhh,” he hushed, breaking the kiss. “You’ll get your reward eventually, Lily.”

Her eyes popped open to glare at him as he withdrew his hand and began kissing down her body.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmured. Ignoring her glare and undoing the buttons on her top so he could bury his face in her décolletage. His lips felt hot against her breasts, licking and nipping their way around the edge of her lace bra before sweeping across her nipple through the lace.

“James please,” Lily whined as he dragged his tongue across again.

“You sound…Merlin,” James groaned, reaching for where he was straining against his trousers. “Fuck, Lily.”

“Take it out,” Lily whispered. “I want to see what I’m doing to you.”

James stared up at her, his gaze dark, as he make quick work of his belt and zipper, hissing as he pulled his erection out, which bobbed up at the sight of her. The slightest drop of precum was gathered at the tip and Lily couldn’t help herself as she drew up to her knees, moving in front of him so she could run her tongue over the head of his cock.

“Gahh,” James hissed at her touch. 

She licked around, enjoying the taste of him before taking him softly between her lips and sucking, her hand moving further down his shaft to encircle him.

“Stop, stop,” James muttered regretfully, pulling at his hair as he looked down at her. “Stop Lily, you first.”

“It doesn’t always have to be me first,” Lily said taking another gentle lick of him, enjoying the way he shuddered under her touch. “You can go first once in awhile.”

James shook his head. “No, I’m better at this before I cum,” he reminded her, gently pushing her away as he claimed her lips once more.

“Let me make you cum Lily,” he whispered against her.

Well how could she argue when he said it like that…

Lily lifted her hips towards him as he traced his hot tongue down her body, stopping to pay his respects to her nipples before continuing down her naval to where she was wet and aching for him.

“Do you want me to make you cum Lily?” he asked huskily, staring up at her from between her legs.

“Fuck please,” Lily whined, thrusting her hips up slightly in an effort to get them closer to his evasive tongue.

“Please what?” James teased, restraining her hips as he sucked at the flesh of her inner thigh hard enough she’d probably have a hickey there tomorrow.

Lily looked down at him. The flush on his cheeks and stream of precum hanging from his tip told her he was enjoying the agony he was subjecting her to as he waited for her to beg for it. 

His cheek was soft against her, his beard absent in the summer as he moved turned his cheek and blew a harsh breath against her. 

Lily whimpered, arching into him as a shiver shot through her body, her legs closing to trap his head as she gave in. 

“Please James, fuck, please lick me.” she begged, squirming under his hold, desperate for his tongue against her.

Fuck, have mercy was the first and only thought that crossed Lily’s mind as James pressed his lips against her clit, his tongue moving swiftly against her as his hands slipped inside her, curling at the joints to reach the spot she – oh.

“James,” Lily cried out desperately as she drew closer to her peak. “Fuck, baby please.”

She was going to cum. Lily felt the telltale tingling start in her core, felt her muscles tense in anticipation and then–

Fuck the bastard.

“Nooo,” Lily cried as his mouth drew back. “James I want to cum, I want to cum,” she babbled repeatedly, trying to rut against his hand that held her down in a desperate attempt to chase her release.

“Merlin you’re…merlin fuck” James muttered as he watched her, moving up so his lips could dust hers, one hand still preventing her from tipping over the edge.

“You want to cum baby?” he growled, his hands tight around her thigh.

“I want, I want,” Lily assured him, letting out a low whine that had him pressing harder against her for his own bit of release. 

“How badly do you want to cum?” James asked, his voice low and gravelly with arousal. “Are you right there on the edge for me baby?”

“Yes I’m so close,” Lily cried. “Please James, just one touch.”

“Look at you,” James murmured reverently. “You’re so close for me, aren’t you baby?”

“One touch,” Lily repeated desperately against his lips. 

“Okay, one touch.” James agreed huskily and Lily cried out in relief as his body was suddenly everywhere she wanted - his fingers on her clit, his lips around her nipple and she felt the scorching heat of his erection part her folds as he slammed into her.

She felt her ears wince and realised she’d screamed. 

“That’s it Lil,” James growled as he moved on top of her, keeping the pressure on her clit as he sank deep inside her, prolonging her orgasm with the long slides of his member inside of her.

Lily felt like asking for mercy for the second time that night because the tingles in her body felt raw, she thought she might be overwhelmed with pleasure as his pelvis rubbed against her, his erection deep inside her.

“Too much,” Lily gasped, her mind foggy as she gasped for breath. Every single nerve felt like it had exposed to the feeling of James pressed against her, inside her.

“Cum again for me baby,” James commanded hot in her ear, rocking his hips against her until she saw stars. 

“I can’t” Lily murmured, overwhelmed.

“Yes you can Lil,” he whispered. “One more for me. Just one more baby.”

When she came again for him, because James somehow coaxed more out of her than she’d ever been able to pull out of herself, he leapt over the edge with her, groaning out her name in a low throaty voice that sunk through Lily’s haze as she fluttered around him.

And then he kissed her gently, easing off of her as she trembled in the afterglow.

“Was that reward enough for you?” he asked, smiling at her hazy smile that was just sweet enough to not be mischievous.

Lily exhaled shakily as she snuggled into him. “That was amazing, I’ve never cum from–

“I know,” James murmured, his eyes shining at her. “You were amazing. I’m never going to forget the look on your face.”

She wouldn’t be forgetting that for awhile either, Lily thought as she sunk into the abyss of sleep, sated and content in his arms.