#how do I disappear from the internet to my irl friends

[unmotivatedartistry]

So many IRL people are talking to me and I Do Not Like It

[cbk1000]

So, if you don’t mind, why would you not let anyone IRL read your fanfic? Obviously it is really good writing, so is it the subject matter then? Based on your other posts here, it doesn't seem like you are someone who would fear judgement for that? Or is it different IRL? (I understand not letting your mom or dad read the porn though, lol).

No, I wouldn't let my parents read the porn. Lol My parents are also both very homophobic, so even if I didn't mind people IRL reading my work, I'd just keep it from them full stop, because even if I gave them the sanitized version of something with the sex scenes cut out, they'd think it was disgusting because two men are in love.

It's not the subject matter; I just find the thought of anyone I know IRL, and regularly have to look in the eyes, reading my writing to be incredibly cringe. I'd let my sister, a fellow writer, read it if she really wanted to, but she would not be allowed to do it in front of me, and she would also not be allowed to talk about it afterward. Lmao

It's not shame about fandom, or subject matter; I've read plenty of off-the-wall stuff and happily terrorize the people who know me by talking about it. "Jenn writes and reads gay fanfic" would probably be one of the least surprising things my friends and family could learn about me. It's my writing specifically that I don't want them getting hold of, because I find the idea embarrassing. I do not, tbh, think it's that good; obviously I enjoy doing it, or I wouldn't have written close to a million words in the last few years, and I take joy in it, and there are lines or scenes I think are well-done, but I don't think readers really understand how I and my Imposter Syndrome perceive my writing. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, because I have read some really REALLY terrible writing, but I do think it's kind of just mediocre and underwhelming overall, so I think really the motivation for not wanting anyone IRL to see it is that I would find it embarrassing for friends and family to find out I'm really not that great at a hobby they've seen me put so much time and effort into.

It's different with internet strangers, who don't see the alarming volume of medieval history and Arthurian literature I've collected to help with world building, or how many times a week, and for how long, I disappear into my room to write. I also don't have to live in the same house as them after they read my writing. And, too, my specific audience is full of fanfic readers, who are judging it as fanfic, and who are comparing it to other fanfic, a genre that has absolutely no quality control, and where just spell checking your work puts you ahead of a lot of the pack. It's being judged, by fanfic readers, on its merits as fanfic, and it's being compared to other fanfiction. Of course it looks good and polished under those circumstances; a lot of fanfiction is written by people who haven't even been alive as long as I've been writing. But most of the people in my life are not fanfic readers, and would be judging my writing against the actual books they've read. So I guess what I really worry about is when it breaks containment, and has to be judged on its own, just as a piece of writing, and not as fanfiction being compared to a lot of works written by inexperienced authors, it'll be obvious that it's not very good. Even as fanfic, if you were to compare my work fairly, to writers of a similar age (30s) who have been writing for decades, it doesn't really stand out. A lot of writers of that age and experience level are far more educated than me, and, even as hobbyists, often have actual degrees, or at least some kind of credentials, in creative writing or literature. Whereas I am just someone who reads a lot of books and loves to tell stories, and I think that's fairly obvious when you compare my work to people who actually have formal education or training in writing.

[raptorsaurusmelain]

Let me show you... Youtube - chapter 6

Soooo, tomorrow will not have a chapter, I need to prepare for a trip outside the country (there won't be chapter during my vacation) and I will go see a movie with my friend. (Omg she has a life).

Warning : no proof reading.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Victoria was scrolling on GikTok -there is truly an equivalent app for everything- when she could hear some noise coming from outside. A few seconds later, Yuu and Grim came inside the dorm, completely disheveled and with scratches everywhere.

Victoria was shocked. She should have guessed from the game, but it was shocking to see this IRL. Yuu was in such a deplorable state…

Victoria dared to ask. How did it went ? You are both a mess… Get on the couch, I’ll get the first aid kit…”

Grim answered. “We were attacked by a big monster ! It was scary but thanks to the great Grim, I won !”

Yuu nodded. “Yeah we were attacked… But at least we have the stone. We will stay here.”

Victoria tended their wounds. “You came by in one piece, you’re truly lucky.”

Yuu added. “Tomorrow, first thing in the morning we will give the stone to Crowley…”

Victoria nodded. ”Ok, I hope he will be satisfied… Go get some sleep, both of you, you deserve it. You will take your shower tomorrow. I put some stuff I bought in your room, like a big fluffy towel. I also turned on the water boiler a few hours ago, so tomorrow we will have hot water.”

After parting ways and sleeping, They both took their shower with hot water to their delight. And for the question, Grim also took a shower.

After a breakfast composed of pancakes made by Victoria and a recipe found on the internet, they went with their day. Yuu went to the director with the mage stone and Victoria went back to the curtains.

Victoria was spritzing some lavender extract onto the 3rd curtain of the day when Yuu arrived, happily.

Yuu greeted her “Victoria ! Guess what ? I am going to be a student in this school with Grim !”

Victoria was overjoyed. “I am so happy for you Sweetie ! You need to make good friends and enjoy your school life ! Can I hug you ?”

Yuu nodded and Victoria took them in her arms. “You are going to have an eventful but happy life.”

[ok maybe I am lying a bit…] wondered Victoria while she also hugged Grim who was laughing hard. [What is important is their happiness now.]

Yuu laughed “I hope so… I need to get my uniform, see you tonight!”

Victoria waved at the running duo and then her smile disappeared. She had a bad feeling. Watching those events unfold in the game was exciting of course, but in reality… Will she be able to be there for Yuu and Grim ? Will Yuu be able to understand Victoria’s episode of bipolarity when they will strike ?

She sighted. [Well I am going to do my best and that’s what is important…]

A voice interrupted her. “Why the long sigh ? Too many moths ?” Crewel joked.

Victoria turned around. There was Crewel, Trein and Vargas. [I am going to be blind from too much beauty at the same place]

She tidied herself. “Not the moths sadly… I am just watching my teenage kid going to live their school life and as a good mom by proxy, I am already worried about their future foolishness.”

Trein arched an eyebrow. “You already consider yourself as their mom ? You are quite quick on the matter, Mrs Devi !”

She scratched her cheek. “Well, it is quite easy when you have no family. I mean, I dunno for Yuu, but I feel like it is my role as the older one to take care of them. We only have each other.”

After a short blank, Vargas answered with humid eyes. “You are way more responsible than I thought. You are truly a great woman, Mrs Devi !”

Victoria blinked her eyes “Thanks… I guess ?”

She truly stunned the 3 older men. How can someone feel so responsible for a child they just met ? Was she just that generous ? If that was the case, she was going to be devoured by the NRC.

Victoria added “I think doing shenanigans are normal for their age. I am sure you used to do them a lot. I used to prank my teacher by saying the neighbor dog ate it. Until one day he truly did it and had to give a munched exercise sheet to the teacher. We both weren’t amused by that.” she laughed at the end. It was a rather embarrassing moment.

Trein frowned his eyebrows. “You shouldn’t have done such jokes, you would have been like the boy who cried wolf for fun.”

Victoria slumped. “I am sorry sir. You know… Youngster foolishness.”

Crewel nudged her and whispered “I used to do the same.”

Victoria smiled, happy to know this fact. So except Trein, they had a rocky youth.

When the day was done, Victoria; Yuu and Grim found each other in the dorm.

Victoria smiled at her children “Show me your uniform !”

Grim showed off his ribbon “Take a good look henchwoman !”

Victoria clapped “Wow, it suits you well Grim ! It adds elegance !”

Yuu came down, done changing to the gray-ish uniform. “Look look ! Do I look good ?”

Victoria cheered. “You are the cutest ! But… you don’t have a waistcoat ?”

Yuu laughed, scratching their head. “Well… Apparently Ramshackle doesn’t have a color or it was forgotten.”

The woman sighed. “I will buy you a gray one so you are not left out of the pack.”

Tag : @boba-tea-fish

[junk-culture]

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. 5️⃣❗

now wtf is the 5 times table doing in my inbox... ! teehee... this is a lot of questions and my answers are lengthy so under the readmore they go:

5. Favourite band: HMMM this shouldnt be a difficult question but i feel like im always indecisive/struggle to identify an Absolute Favourite Above All Others...... i think i have to say depeche mode because i like them enough to have paid £[redacted] to go see them...they are definitely one of my big faves anyway........ i will add bastille as an honorary favourite simply because they are the band i have liked for the longest... i started listening to them as a miserable 14/15 year old so you know. that kind of band is eternal and forever even if i don't quite like all of their latest stuff/don't listen to them absolutely all the time etc. actually the jam are maybe tied with bastille for that sort of formative band so let's say them too. sorry i can literally never give one single answer LOL 10. Favourite model: uhm unfortunately i dont really have one im not really into following fashion or models....idk....but recently i started watching the x-men movies (cringe) and i kind of got the hots for halle berry a bit so ill say her. ik shes an actor but she started off as a model so it counts. honorable mention also to the sony d-e350 in gold . a very very sexy model (of cd player) :

15. Lucky Number: It seems there's a typo in the questions post because they've put 14 twice instead of 15....I don't really have a lucky number although I sometimes see people with aesthetic blogs posting about angel numbers or whatever and im like i could get into that........ i guess any number can be lucky if it appears in a certain moment or is recurring... since 14 appears twice in the question post ill say 14. and its a pretty good number anyway

20. 5 things you love: ONLY FIVE? BUT I LOVE SO MANY THINGS ABOUT OUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD...! well to name a few: 1. mai friends (physical and virtual) ^_^ 2. BRIGHT GREEN GRASS IN THE SUNLIGHT 3. art. drawing. its my essential activity i have to do it its awesome plus so important in the world for everyone 4. when you're travelling home on the train from a pleasant day out somewhere and it's really sunny and you have a window seat and the music you are listening to is just right for that moment and its just so the beautiful world. you know? 5. shagging ur mum LOL !

25. Favourite blogs: UMM im sorry im kind of too lazy right now to like tag people plus i feel a bit shy doing that anyway but basically all of my mutuals etc...... <3 and the smug jug blog also 30. Someone you miss: hm...i don't know if there's any one person i Strongly miss but there are a few i vaguely to moderately miss. idk. such as: - my mother occasionally - not my irl best friend as such because shes still here lol but moreso i miss hanging out regularly like we did when we were teenagers? like now we're both adults and in different cities and she works full time and im either working or studying and she has a boyfriend anyway its like we dont hang out that often... many such cases obviously but i miss the time of seeing each other every single day at college and walking home together...and especially because id love to do that all over again Now when im like. a lot happier/more functional/more "normal" than i was when i was 16/17 lol. but its the way of the world what can we do - i guess i sort of miss an internet friend who disappeared .... it wasn't exactly unexpected because we always were aware of the possibility and i know its simply how such things go but i wonder how they're doing sometimes...plus we exchanged physical mail and gifts so now its like i just have these objects in my home that are from a person who i no longer talk to lol....

THANK YOU FOR ASKING, THE FIVEPILLED FIVEMAXXER!!!!! :)

[icannotgetoverbirds]

Severe fucking content warning

Content warning for literal fucking torture and abuse. everything else should be tagged. If I miss any content warnings please for the love of all that is holy tell me so I can fix it.

Psychological torture. Those are the words bouncing around my head this morning.

Did you know that sleep deprivation and social isolation are often considered to be tied for the worst tortures known to humankind?

Let me give you some more context. When I left mormonism, I lost everything in regards to my social safety net. Mormonism and my mormon friends and family were all I had.

It's by design, too; how is someone supposed to leave if their only safety net disappears when they do? Why would they even consider leaving if that safety net holds them perfectly because they can conform?

But when you can't conform, you fall through the cracks. As I did.

I didn't just lose everything, though. I didn't stop there. I also gained a neighborhood full of watchdogs who I was sure would herd me back to the cult at the first opportunity.

Going outside on foot was no longer an option - if any of my many mormon neighbors saw me, they would have Questions. If I gave any worrying answers, there was bound to be Visits. I wasn't strong enough to handle that.

Besides, I lived in suburban hell. Fifteen minutes just to get out of the neighborhood on foot, another fifteen to get to the nearest gas station. My depressed, broke self wasn't about to spend an hour walking for a round trip to the fucking gas station when I could barely handle doing my own laundry.

So I was trapped inside the house unless my parents or someone else with a car deigned to bring me with them on a trip. But it was fine at first, because I had an internet connection and multiple online friends; plus, I'd managed to forge one irl friendship with someone between deconverting and graduating high school.

My parents weren't happy about this for some reason (I have a working theory as to why and I'll get to it later). Their justification was that it was just generally bad for me to be spending as much time online as I was.

Of course, I wasn't doing great mentally, but they refused to believe that they could be at fault for that with their "mild" transphobia. Surely refusing to accept my newfangled, sinful identity on the basis of a false moral high ground couldn't possibly be the most significant source of my suffering; surely deadnaming and misgendering me couldn't be doing that much damage.

Surely refusing to assist the transitioning process in any way shape or form couldn't be a good enough reason for suicidal ideation. Surely I was just an undermedicated psycho for considering lighting myself on fire just to get them to understand my pain enough to... help me with the process of buying a binder with my own money.

Surely I just needed to get my act together and get over myself.

So, ever since that psych ward visit that treated me better than they did, they decided that I could only have internet access if I did enough of my chores around the house.

Doesn't sound too unreasonable until you remember that 99% of my friends were online. I tried telling them this, and their response was to encourage me to get back in touch with my old ward member friends. You know, from the cult I had just escaped. That, granted, my parents were still very much a part of.

(Remember that theory I was telling you about? That little tidbit is an important piece of evidence.)

So I was cut off from the world with significant regularity, having nothing but a flip phone to contact the one supportive friend whose phone number I had. That friend kept me alive and sane enough to stay that way for nearly a year as this hell dragged on.

At some point, my brother and his girlfriend moved back in with us. I guess they weren't a fan of all the sinning I was doing, because my parents had multiple talks with me about how I needed to give them more space (aka stop existing in the same room as them).

So, eventually, I was all but confined to my bedroom, since I could never sit them down to have a conversation about what times I was allowed to be downstairs and what times they would be occupying that space.

This all built up to the breaking point. I had just developed a new medical condition that left me basically bedbound in pain. I was forced out of bed anyways, because nobody was going to take care of me (probably due to the nature of the condition being considered 'sinful'). I did what I could as I could, as I always have.

There had been a misunderstanding about chores. My brother and his girlfriend were in charge of one bathroom, i was in charge of the other. Except I thought I was in charge of the wrong one. So while the downstairs bathroom stayed clean (despite me not doing much to maintain it), the upstairs bathroom became absolutely filthy.

It all came to a head when my brother yelled at me to take care of my responsibility. I finally figured out what had happened and explained to him why I hadn't been doing it, as well as why I wasn't about to start until I could actually, you know, stay standing for any significant amount of time. He yelled at me more and threatened to tell our mom.

I told him to go ahead, as any rational person would take one look at the situation and agree that I needed to rest. My only mistake was assuming that my mom retained any rationality for me.

So she called me and attempted to chew me out. mind you, i was ill and in debilitating pain already, so I put my foot down and asked her to save it for later. But I knew what was coming when she said we were going to "have a conversation" when she got home. She was going to take away my flip phone to force me to do as I was told.

My flip phone, 99% of the use for which was to call my one and only friend that i could access. My one and only friend who was the sole support in my life. The only person, the only thing keeping me sane.

That was going to be it for me. If she did that (and she'd done it before, so there was precedent), I was going to fucking kill myself.

So I locked her out of my room that night and tried to get a good night's rest in preparation for what would have to happen in order for me to survive.

At about 4 in the morning the next day, I packed up everything that i could carry and i walked out the door.

Every single thing I have been through since that day has been worth it to get out of that hell. I am still homeless over a year later and the only thing I wish I did different was to leave sooner and prepare better. Maybe get a nice duffel bag and do my laundry first instead of hauling all my dirty clothes in trash bags. I could've saved myself a lot of trouble by getting my documents together beforehand.

anyways. Befoer I came out as trans and not a mormon, my mother seemed fully supportive - or at least, like she was supporting me as much as she was capable of doing.

Afterwards? She never looked at me the same way again.

And so I have to wonder how two changes to my identity and lifestyle could wrench her away from kindness like that. How they could possibly cause such a significant change in how she treated me.

Here's the working theory.

Mormons prey on vulnerable people. Their missionaries are literally told to seek out the meek and weary and poor to "give them rest." This is also how they bring people back - they find out which inactive members are struggling without their safety net (which they often remove for the sin of inactivity/deconversion/etc) and those are the ones that they grasp at to try and bring back. Those are the ones that they reach out to, that they check in on.

So, how better to take advantage of someone's vulnerability than to make them vulnerable yourself? How better to make them vulnerable than to take away all of their safety nets? How better to tear them from their sin than to tear their sinful friends from them?

How better to break an apostate than to back them into a corner and bring in the walls? How better to turn someone towards your god than to give them no other choice except to be crushed?

And if they'd rather die than return to Jesus, well, then, at least you're sending them straight to the afterlife. Then they'll HAVE to see the truth. Then they'll HAVE to repent.

After all, all my mother needs to do to keep our family together forever is to keep me righteous. She already gave me a body. What loss is the rest of my life compared to the rest of eternity?

Better to die young than to live in sin. Better to be forced to come to Jesus than to choose to live free of him.

She wasn't a bumbling fool incapable of listening to me when I told her she was hurting me. She knew exactly what she was doing.

She abused me, TORTURED me, entirely on purpose. Entirely for the purpose of bringing me back to her god.

I have been tortured. I have experienced psychological torture. I probably have fucking brain damage from said psychological torture.

https://solitarywatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/SW-Fact-Sheet-5-Neurological-Effects-v230613.pdf

So, all that said, is it any wonder that I thought the streets would be better? Is it any wonder that I never want to see her again unless it's to use her grave as a gender neutral bathroom?

She nearly killed me. I think that was an acceptable outcome to her, too.

Certainly, the last thing she expected was for me to put my back to one wall and my feet to another and clamber out of that trap she made. Should've put a roof on it, I guess.

Anyways. If it seems like I've been less online/chipper than usual, it's because I've spent the past week coming to terms with this shit.

I love you all so, so much. Thanks for being there for me. Here's to staying alive; to escaping the trap; to finding our own families and leaving our abusers behind in the dust.

Here's to all of you. Y'all were worth the trouble of being homeless, easily.

[heartbeatbookclub]

I feel like in general on this blog, I really do undersell exactly how private & introverted of a person I am used to be creatively, particularly in fandom spaces. When I say I've been entrenched fandom for a long time, I am not joking. Despite this, you'd be hard-pressed to find most fandom content I produced until...well, until this blog!

In fact, unless you know me in real life, it's unlikely you've ever seen any art which I've posted OUTSIDE of this blog, which is saying something, because there is a LOT of it, both original, and for shitloads of different fandoms. I am, at my core, an artist, as pretentious as that sounds; I create ad nauseam.

Despite this, I very rarely post publicly. The few times I have created a public page to post art, it was incredibly infrequent. And most of them are deleted, now. In fact, this blog is possibly the first time I've made an online account for fan content (or art in general) that has achieved general notoriety anywhere, and it's incredibly fun, but it has made me painfully aware that there's something of a reason I deleted most of my public art accounts...(/lh)

But seriously, I keep a comically low profile, despite enjoying both creating and receiving praise for creating. Part of it has to do with the particular way inspiration strikes me (the periods where I don't post to this blog are mostly actually because I'm looking for proper vision, despite wanting to create) which is why my creation of these sorts of things is so infrequent, because I know most people (particularly artists) don't do that, and it can be very concerning or frustrating to anyone paying attention.

It also creates a rather daunting prospect of creating something "good enough to share", which I have been increasingly working on not giving a shit about. And sometimes building relationships with people who sort of expect you to post/message them often, because that's the only way they know you're alive. I barely even talk to my irl friends as often as some people want to over the internet with me. It's wild.

I'm not complaining about the popularity of this blog by any means, nor how people have been interacting with it, I mostly just wanted to share that despite how it might look, it's actually significantly more normal for me to post basically nothing for months at a time and then have a burst of inspiration leading me to make like 3 posts that leave people raving for a week, then disappear of the face of the earth completely.

Like, you wanna talk how I normally am with art, I have piles of old Undertale doodles & fanfiction, which almost no one has seen, and I probably won't ever post again. I have art for a fandom I was in for maybe a week and have never done anything for again. I have drawn YouTubers I no longer watch. I have OCs which I haven't thought about in actual years. I have world concepts I literally used for a single drawing and nothing else. I have Omori fics and drawings I literally never posted publicly. There are probably people waiting on an update to a fic I wrote 6 years ago (when I was 15).

You wanna talk me in fandom spaces? There are people I know from my Undertale fandom days who I'm surprised are still posting. I know nearly every major artist in the Omori fandom on some sort of personal note (I'm still in a Discord with some of them), and they're the people who've seen my unpublished Omori art/fics. I would post stuff maybe once every month or two in that server. Most of them probably don't even realize they know me.

I know fandom drama I didn't even care about when it was happening.

For the better part of my life I've been the fandom equivalent to a mysterious stranger, blowing into a fandom maybe once a week, then once a month, then never again, people forgetting I was even ever there. There are friends I've made over social media who I've not seen or spoken to in an actual decade.

I just live my life. I make shit. Sometimes I'm active in a particular space on social media for a while. I meet some new people. I am cheesed to meet them. The case goes cold. I continue living my life. I go elsewhere.

I think this is both vitally important to understand on the internet, especially in a fandom sense (The Internet is not your life, please remember that you can literally turn your computer off and leave) and also a really bad habit I have that, while somewhat amusing, means that by nature a lot of the new friendships I make are temporary.

Also, if ever we message each other and I stop talking to you, that's not because I'm mad or forgot you or something; if I don't have anything to say I don't say anything. Small talk is my bane because it feels dishonest. Offer to play TF2 or Overwatch with me or something.

Now that I'm thinking about it, this is actually generally applicable to all online spaces I'm in, which might make the entire thing seem a little silly... There are people I've met on online games like Roblox, or old flash games, or old websites where you can PLAY those flash games, who I just disappeared from one day. A lot more of my life than I thought is intrinsically ephemeral...hm.

It's to the point that a lot of people know who I am but don't realize who I actually am because my name is sorta generic, so they don't make the connection. I make a lot of jokes about it on my main but most people don't even realize I'm The Mind Electric Guy who made the big mash-ups and also the Catboy Electric. And Johnny Johnny Electric but we don't talk about that one.

There are times where I'll have people in my comments/messages going "wait YOU'RE THAT GUY? YOU MADE THAT?!?!" about something completely unrelated, and i'm just like "yeah i was bored on a saturday". I'm like the Neil Cicierega of obscure internet/niche fandom bullshit.

Wait, so I'm like Neil Cicierega. And I've been told I resemble him more than once, so maybe that's fitting.

As a reward for making it through my silly ramblings, here's a little proof in the pudding! Here's some incredibly old DDLC fanart from my initial obsession to a little later, not exactly in chronological order. You can really see my improvement as an artist, which is actually pretty funny, because imitating some other DDLC fanartists is specifically how I started getting better at drawing people

These are incredibly old! You can tell, because they look like SHIT! I didn't really know a lot about how to draw people at this point in time, and what became my style was super poorly defined here! I have some other super old art which really shows off how bad i was at drawing people, particularly in the waist. Believe it or not, this is a better showing than most others around this time.

Hey, at least they're recognizable, right?

This right here, this is the exact moment where drawing faces started to click for me. I still think this is one of my best showings from this particular time period, even though it's still got a lot of line jank, and I'm pretty blatantly ripping from a different artist (who no longer has an online presence, so weh, have at it). I still really like this drawing, and a lot of the experimentation that was on this page.

also, you can see me trying to draw boobs for the first time! ain't that a sight!

These are a weird period where I'm drawing a lot of different things on the same sketchbook page just to fill them up, which...I mean, I guess I should be proud I used to draw that much! They certainly do look cool, too. This image of Sayori in an Adidas tracksuit is directly referenced from a picture of a Sayori cosplayer I found on Instagram once upon a time. The @ you see pictured there is my old private instagram--you can try to follow it, but I doubt you're going to get anywhere!

I think a big problem you see in a lot of these is just that I'm uncertain in my lines, even in sketching and doodling, which is still a problem I struggle with sometimes. Also I don't really get how clothes work. But this is significantly better than how some of my old art used to look like, so I'm glad for that!

Can you identify all of the other pictured characters? There are 3 musicians and 2 YouTubers present!

I drew this in 8th grade? I think? These might be slightly out of order. I really liked drawing Sayori.

I really didn't like how this turned out when I first did it. I don't often do digital pieces and even less often work in color, but when i do, they tend to take a lot of time and effort. I think this is definitely rough around the edges, but the amount of work I put in to really make this pop is something I enjoy. Just wish I'd spent longer on those hands...

Remember how I said I used to really vibe with MC x Sayori?

Yeah.

Here's some more, including a more fleshed out MC design. I think I did this my senior year of high school?

And this, dear viewers, is a Sayori I doodled from memory roughly a year ago.

I didn't really have much direction here, I just wanted to talk about this stuff, and I had these that I wanted to share. These drawings were all from roughly 2018-2023.

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I can relate to what the last two anons said I could never make friends in the queen fandom and I see others making friends on here so easily that I feel like there is something wrong with me or I'm just an outcast because I'm shy or weird but the fandom feels very cliquey sometimes

Aw, no, there’s nothing wrong with you for not making fandom friends. All fandoms are cliquey to some extent, and I feel like it’s even worse in small fandoms, such as the tumblr Queen fandom. If you don’t fit in with a clique? Good, it means you’re acting like an adult lol. Seriously, the cliquey shit is so not worth losing sleep over. I had longtime followers unfollow me after I finally got fed up with an extremely immature and cliquey user hate-reading my blog and vagueblogging about me for years lmao, so fandom cliques will turn on you for the dumbest shit and if you say anything against the big name fans—very high school, isn’t it? In general, internet fandom cliques can encourage really petty and abnormal behavior, and I don’t last in them because they get mad the minute someone says, “No this is nonsense and really Online, actually.” It’s like how I left a group chat on insta back when I had my Queen account because I didn’t feel inclined to go along with the crowd in *checks notes*….saying Brian hates Freddie and is homophobic towards him. Really, listening to Online garbage is not worth being in a clique!

Some people do seem to make friends in fandom easily, but keep two things in mind that I previously mentioned: the first one is that it might seem like people are besties on your tumblr dashboard because they reblog each other’s posts and tag each other and stuff, but their online relationship might actually be superficial, and fizzle out the minute one or both joins a new fandom (or those friendships might end easily over really dumb fandom discourse!). The second is that even if you make an actual friend online, they can disappear from your online life pretty abruptly and with little explanation one day, maybe because something happened, or they don’t use tumblr anymore, or whatever.

I know this might not be the answer you were looking for, but all of this is why people should invest more in irl friendships than internet friendships. I’ve been reconnecting with irl friends recently, and man, it feels good. Like I said in another post, too, I feel a lot better keeping to myself on tumblr now, so trust me, getting to know people in fandom isn’t always a good thing lol.

If someone genuinely makes a real, longtime friend through fandom? Great! I just think it happens a lot less often than people think, so don’t feel bad for not having any.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, please call me the net anon. i understand there are way more important asks for people who are in need of more desperate advice but i'd like for this to be answered quickly if possible, i need some advice. i'm not sure what tw's to put here, but just some trauma talk, self doubt, mention of cyberbullying and anxiety over the internet. so, i have this online friend i've known since probably 2-3 years. they weren't very close to me in the start, but eventually there were quite a few conversations and we started talking more often. we became close enough for me to share multiple of my problems at home, my trauma, and so on to him. he did the same but not on my level, because i was just happy to have someone to listen to. now, i know i'm going to sound rude but i did not intend to get so close to him. he's not exactly the best person to other people i know on the net community, and has apparently cyber-bullied another online friend of mine, which he excused by 'she's a horrible person too'. but otherwise, he's a very kind, understanding and genuine friend. he passed the stage of best friends, but i can't say i feel the same about him and i don't have the heart to tell him. so now we just call each other 'best friends'. i don't want him to feel like he was just that friend who was made for listening to problems and then never talked to ever again. i personally really like to keep a divide for irl and social media. it helps me feel some sense of control when i don't find myself disappearing off the net bc its overwhelming every week. i've always felt depressed & anxious while being on social media and try my best to limit it. and for the past 3 years, i've kept my face completely secretive. we occasionally send pics of our lives, where we go, and although i've seen his face which he has willingly shown me i cannot get myself to do this. he brought this up a few times and i have reiterated my boundary to him. he does not bring it up again. but it was talked about again recently, persistently this time, and he expresses how he feels at not knowing how his best friend of 3 years looks. he says that sending goofy funny pics to each other should improve my mental health if anything, which in theory, isn't wrong, but not my cup of tea. i get his frustration, and understand his point. but i don't know how to feel about it. if i'm truthful, and harsh, he's an online best friend to me. i don't feel comfy sharing my face. he's mentioned feeling like a mere online best friend, which tbh, he is to me. i just can't tell him that. i mentioned the boundary i keep again, and he said that i don't need that boundary. i'm torn on how to feel about that, bc although i can get how my 'boundary' is a weird concept to him, it's a way for me to maintain my health. how do i go about this? i feel like i'm honestly a bad person for all of this, considering him a mere 'online' person after how patient he has been with me ( even when i disappeared for long periods, once even almost a year, he still didn't give up on me ). but i feel pressured into showing my face and it doesn't feel right to me. i'm past the phase where i needed social media to cope with my irl situations and the consequences of that have caught up in the form of my internet anxiety. thanks for reading.

Hi anon,

Please know that boundaries don't have to be essential to be valid. It's perfectly fine if you don't feel comfortable showing your face and your reasons are understandable. Although I can understand where he's coming from, he should ultimately respect your boundaries. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to.

It sounds like you've already explained and asserted your boundary. If he continues to push it, it's worth re-evaluating your friendship. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[hellxfireclub-archived]

Just some thoughts...

I think this incident that occurred is a good time for all of us to take a step back and perhaps reflect on how allow ourselves to get too attached to people that we don’t actually know, and likely will never meet. The truth is, you can never really know someone through the internet, rp, etc. Some of us get lucky and get to meet our online friends and they become wonderful people and IRL friends. Hell, this has happened with me more than once and I adore those who I’ve met and connected with through rp and have become a true, real life, tangible friend. 

But I think it’s a good idea to have a healthy amount of disconnect from the people on the other side of a screen, whom we’ve never met and may never meet. It’s easy to lie to people on the internet, easy to present oneself as something that you’re not. Most of the people I’ve met through rp are genuine and kind people, but that can’t be said for everyone. Maybe this way of approaching rp comes from my many years on Tumblr, maybe from the fact that I’m well into my 30s and I’ve seen a lot of shit, but the best thing anyone can do to protect themselves is to keep a health amount of...aloofness? I don’t know if that’s the right word or not but I’m going to roll with it for now. 

I adore my RP partners, but I’m also acutely aware of the fact that one day any of those I write with could suddenly disappear and never return, or that they could turn out to be someone other than who they presented themselves to be. Would that make me incredibly sad? Absolutely. Would I allow it to drag me down and live rent free in my head? No. This is just a hobby, after all. It doesn’t affect my life outside of Tumblr at all. It’s a level of separation I keep firmly in place and I think others would do well to practice that as well. 

So yes, I am annoyed and I do feel manipulated and it pisses me off. At the same time, I’m not going to let this ruin my rp experience because I won’t let them have that kind of control over me. I just won’t. Sorry. No one dictates my life, online or offline, but me. 

If you need to take some time to process this and work through your feels, absolutely that’s what you should do. But I do think that we do sometimes invest too much of ourselves into these almost parasocial-like relationships and it ends up becoming unhealthy. 

Don’t let other people control your life/experience. No one has that right but you.

[cyberneticlagomorph]

You stand there nervously, just outside Haven's gates;  leaning heavily on your hammer, since that's the only thing you can really do with it.

All attempts to lift it, let alone swing the thing, have been pretty futile. 

You tore an arm off at one point and a friendly bystander had to sew it back on for you.

She's still here, perched on a massive spool of thread the size of an oil drum with an equally huge pair of chainsaw scissors across her lap.

Pinking Shears. 

When you told her you were waiting for a friend, she said she'd wait with you and staunchly refused to leave no matter how hard you tried to shoo her off.

"People here aren't very nice to Sprouts, even other Sprouts, if I left you alone and you got PK'd or hacked or something I'd feel bad." Her name is Edith, but she told you to call her Eddie (ee-dee) instead.

"...how did you even get that hammer you're way too low to buy it on your own." She squints at you suspiciously and you slide your hammer back into your inventory. 

"My friend bought it for me." You sheepishly kick a pebble-sequin-thing across the ground and watch it vanish into a patch of embroidered grass. 

Why are you acting like this? What is it about this game that robs you of your bravado and leaves you feeling so small and lost.

Eddie frowns, "If they were really your friend they would have given you a lighter weapon to start off with, the tutorial knife is shit but at least you'd be able to lift it… y'know what, c'mon let's get you something you can actually handle."

She slides off her spool and snaps her fingers, making all her belongings zip into her inventory. 

Eddie is a possum, the American kind with the gray fur and the long bare tails, except her tail has big triangle scales on it like a dragon and she's got nubby little horns on her head like you do. 

Her outfit makes her look kinda like a biker, with fingerless gloves and a spiked leather jacket with a big pink caduceus painted on the back.

There's a safety pin through one of her ears to complete the overall look.

She takes your paw and starts tugging you back towards the armory before a familiar voice cuts through the space, "Hey Sprout, where ya goin'?"

Edith stops mid step and turns her head very Very slowly until it's basically on backwards, smoke whirls from her nostrils and her eyes quite literally blaze with fire.

"YOU!" She growls, whipping her entire body around in one swift motion while her head stays completely still somehow. 

Since she's still holding your paw, you whip around with her and take out a handful of other players in the process. 

Eddie stomps up to Nick, dragging you along like a disobedient dog.

She's half of Nick's size but still gets in his face somehow, poking him in the chest with one finger until he's bent over backwards on the ground and she's got both feet on his stomach. Smoke and sparks fly out of her mouth with every word. 

The sparks are shaped, like those really expensive glitters you can never seem to find anywhere but online. 

Little orange hearts and X's flitter through the smoke on a string of expletives as Eddie tells Nick just how stupid he is for buying you that hammer on top of not calling for months do you have any idea how worried she was with all these disappearances lately she thought you were fucking DEAD Nick.

"Disappearances?" You squeak out from your place in the dirt amongst a pile of other helpless bystanders caught in the crossfire of what may or may not be a lovers quarrel.

Eddie does the head turning thing again, dropping the venom in her tone for her earlier kindness, "A bunch of regulars have been dropping off the face of the earth, and I'm not talking the internet's specific brand of 'this person got busy and can't play anymore so their account is abandoned', I mean all their socials are completely dead and the few folks who know 'em irl can't find 'em neither."

She sits on Nick so he can't move and the fire returns, "Which is why I'm seconds away from turning this inconsiderate brainless idiot into a rug unless he gives me a good reason not to." 

Nick puts his hands up defensively, "I got a new job and didn't have any time to do anything until now?"

Eddie squints at him, and the little wings you thought were part of the art on her back flutter in annoyance, "...acceptable."

She peels herself off of Nick and finally lets go of your hand, it's squished where she held onto it so tightly.

You just kinda stare at it until the area goes back to normal, inflating with a little pop like a plastic bottle. 

Nick dusts himself off and apologizes a bunch, to Eddie, to you, to the crowd that's gathered since he got here.

For a second he just stands there and rubs the back of his neck while Eddie stares at him, tail lashing back and forth like an angry cat.

You tug on Nick's paw, "Can we go now?"

You feel like a little kid somehow, watching your parents fight… it's fucking humiliating and you can feel your cheeks heat back in meatspace. 

"Go where?" Eddie cuts in before Nick can even open his mouth.

"I uh, told Sprout I was gonna help them level up today, taxi them to a few higher level areas and show them the ropes." He shuffles his feet.

Eddie squints and frowns, "With nothing but that fucking hammer, no class, no items? You're gonna get them killed." 

Nick's ears perk up, "Hey! I was gonna kit them up before we left I'm not that stupid."

The face Eddie gives him in response says that yes, yes you are that stupid Nick. 

"C'mon, class, kit, light weapon, then you can go." She heads, not towards the armory, but to the barracks beside it.

You and Nick follow behind her.

Inside it's dim and kinda dusty, the floor is exposed Lego in most places and bits of cardboard painted to look like rugs in others. 

Bunk beds, loaded with sleeping players and NPCs choke the space, only distinguishable from each other by the little button symbol floating over the heads of the NPCs. 

"This is where your avi is stored when you're not using it, until you get your own place." Eddie explains as she weaves through the bunks to find a door on the far wall, she immediately shoves you through it, "Talk to the General and he'll give you your class."

You glance back to see Nick and Eddie making shooing motions at you, urging you further into the darkened hallway lined with makeshift chairs crafted from human junk and old toy blocks.

The floor creaks under your feet with every step, a sense of unease crawling up your spine like insects.

The second a light comes on you quite literally jump out of your skin, and have to take an awkward second to pull it back onto your exposed stuffing while other Sprouts skirt past you.

They look just as freaked out as you feel and you're not sure if you should be grateful they're not laughing or terrified about what's yet to come.

A hoarse, croaking voice roars from the room ahead as a terrified Sprout comes scampering out on all fours, "NEXT!" 

You swallow thickly and make sure your skin is on the right way before entering. 

The next room is an office padded wall to wall with war memorabilia, medals and awards.

The head of some bulbous looking nightmare has been mounted on the wall above the head of the most mangled stuffed bear you've seen in your entire life.

Half his face is missing, along with all four limbs, each replaced with a different color of fabric. 

A huge patch in the shape of an X covers where his missing eye should be and his face is twisted into a permanent scowl.

His head is a completely different color than his body, filling your mind with theory upon theory, each more terrifying than the last. 

He stands up from behind his desk made of old school rulers, his chair squeals across the floor, the candy cane in his hand tapping as he struts up to you and inspects you with his remaining eye. 

He smells like dust and forgotten places.

Like loneliness and time.

This must be the General.

He Grumbles something about the state of new recruits and how back in his day-- yada yada yada you're not paying much attention to him, you're looking around his office at all the stuff stuck to his walls with chewed gum and duct tape.

The General smacks you on the head with his cane when he catches you staring at a medal made of foil and glitter glue.

Your skull makes a coconut sound effect when struck that would be funny if it wasn't you getting smacked. 

The General gives you another scowl before sitting down behind his desk again, laying his cane across his lap.

"I'm going to give you a test, if you're serious you'll survive, if you aren't… well it's no skin off my nose kid." The look in his eye is something between amusement and schadenfreude, which are technically the same thing if you really think about it. 

You steel yourself for whatever might come next, "Bring it on!" You say with way more confidence than you actually feel.

The General smiles at you with a mouthful of yellowed human teeth, "Don't say I didn't warn you kid."

You hear the unmistakable sound of a switch being thrown and feel the ground disappear under your feet.

…you're getting really sick of falling. 

[machinavillage]

i think i complained about my internet friend i visited irl last month.

about a week after i got home, after not talking to him for a week i tried to explain why i was upset. and he gave a pretty bland apology idk what else i expected. and sometimes i miss talking to him, but i sort of dont anymore. now im worried about when he's going to reach out to me again, or if we never talk again, or if im supposed to. or what. but i also dont feel like i can talk to him. its kinda funny.

like main thing was really that i was viscerally uncomfortable the whole time i was there. horrible dirty bathroom and he gave me nasty food and i would feel weird if i ordered takeout without him. and i travelled 8 hours on plane and he didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. just sit and play on his ps5. and he had the gall to look over at me and say "oh i wanted to text you right now but i realized youre right there". and when i got him to go out and go places with me, he clearly didnt want to be there. and he'd complain like "oh i dont want to go somewhere on the bus if we're on the bus for 30 minutes or more" bitch i was on a plane overnight for you? fuck you!

and now its like. i regret all the times i tried to talk to him about how i was failing to cope with child abuse and csa stuff like. i poured my heart out to this person and he never really gave a shit and had some of the cruelest responses to me honestly. and i kept fucking trying because i thought if im patient enough ill get something good in return.

i dont get shit i keep getting someone who tells me "oh, i really learned my lesson that time! im so sorry! i need to think more about how i treat you" and like. am i supposed to be learning something? did i do something wrong i need to learn from. is this mutual? at all?

i kept offering to buy him food and pay for all the ubers too because he didnt have a job right now. all i asked for in return was that he be somewhat interested in spending time with me. but since i couldnt even get that, i feel like i wasted hundreds of dollars now. i still didnt know ahead of time that it was possible for my feelings to turn in that way. like every mistake and every time he's pissed me off before is coming back now. it all got recontexualized and i realize he must not care about me at all.

i was going to tell him that im fine just being friends with him online but now im not even sure thats true. the stuff i complained about in my visit with him isnt even all of it. its way longer than that i just picked a few of the things that really hurt. he wouldnt go on an 1-2 hour walk through a nearby park with me. it was like 30 minutes to there, but i wouldve paid for the uber to or something and we couldve walked outside. he just "didnt feel like it". but then when he introduced me to his friend she said they went there together all the time??? whats up with that. why am i nothing.

like idk what to say to him now but saying nothing is starting to eat at me. int he back of my mind i dread him messaging me. i want him to disappear now. none of this is stuff id type about someone i still felt close to. but it feels weird to instantly hate someone because of that. but im not sure its instant either. i just cant really sort it out.

i feel like i kept waiting for years and saying "this is the person im closest too this is the only person i can tell this stuff to" especially in regards to trauma stuff and i just picked the wrong person entirely. and i kept thinking if continue trying it would pay off and id really really get something good. im so stupid. all that time i kept saying "this is the person im closest to" was probably time i couldve spent actually talking to other people or finding actual support.

now its been years since i socialized with people and i dont know how to. all for someone who seems to not care about me, not get anything out of me aside from playing video games together. and i guess i imagined everything i gained from being close to him.

[littlewalken]

may 31

The morning after you spend the first night on a super squishy bed and your spine hasn't sorted its self out yet.

Just have to pay for my phone and my bills are paid for the month. Was going to say more about it but this is enough.

What I need to make myself do is read and trim down the Miraculous Ladybug fan theories document. As I said I figured out how to copy paste the auto generated transcripts for yew chube videos so I can read them over. Easier than trying to take notes during it.

Right now my back seems to be doing a thing where I have like X amount of time or X amount of steps before it stiffens up on me but only while I'm standing or walking so I know it's a muscle thing. I'm perfectly fine to sit down and to lay down.

And if you get a chance to see Right Now Kapow it is fucking hilarious.

I done told you kids to save anything you come across incase it up and disappears, you know whut. But if we were IRL friends I might be able to fix that, if you know what I mean. I just can't much any other way because my internet is powerfully slow, especially while uploading, but I don't content create and it's cheaper than my phone.

My phone which is a 5G to keep the flat earthers away.

Someone had posted about Wendigoon and Miniminuteman and hell yeah the whole internet would watch the two of them discuss stuff. They're both in to conspiracies and watching the world learn so we might get how to have a civilized and informed debate from them.

I'd have them each make a list of topics and start with those they both want to do first, or if nothing else Noah's Ark because there is historical basis to the story, and then each gets an equal amount of topics they'd like to discuss with the other. Have a set time before the topics so they can research and give their best.

[svnflowermoon]

"…GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, IT'S WHATEVER, BUT I COULD DIE!"

i hope you enjoy your time here <33

anon list || pronouns page || pinterest || spotify

➵ you can call me lucy or luce and any other nicknames that fit, also i adore petnames

basic info. ➵  they/she, 17, lesbian (also somewhere on the aroace spectrum idk babe I'm confused), certified romantic advice-giver, enfp, gemini, nz, i adore dogs, plant mum, i love painting, pesto lover, writing is my life, i love going on walks and picnics, I'm 100% a spring girlie, i can't live without music, spotify is the loml, pinterest whore, i hate coffee (sorry), avid lover of platonic love, i overshare on the internet, slytherin, i don't ship real people but idc if you do as long as you're respectful about it, i love character design!!! i've been told by my best friends that i'm a real life nick nelson & remus lupin (also a wet cat but let's just ignore that ahahaha <3 i am insanely obsessed with halley's comet by billie eilish and i literally have a tag for it that's how much i adore it (#THE SONG OF ALL TIME) i often disappear from tumblr for a while due to my mental health <3 free palestine!!!

music. ➵  billie eilish, conan gray, maisie peters, gracie abrams, chappell roan, FINNEAS, holly humberstone, lyn lapid, sabrina carpenter, olivia rodrigo, ABBA, arctic monkeys, fletcher, queen, claire rosinkranz, girl in red, phoebe bridgers, boygenius, renee rapp, troye sivan, lauv, harry styles, niall horan, lizzy mcalpine, griffy, johnny orlando, ricky montgomery, zayn, maggie lindemann, louis tomlinson, beabadoobee, ella jane, cigarettes after sex, emei, tate mcrae, lana del rey, melanie martinez, 5sos, the neighbourhood, chase atlantic, clairo, hozier, paramore, and more

books. ➵ osemanverse, hunger games, anne of green gables, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, a good girls guide to murder trilogy, the other side of the sky, his dark materials trilogy, red white and royal blue, i kissed shara wheeler, marauders era (not the actual series just the marauders. also anti jkr ew fuck that bitch), six of crows, shadow and bone and more

movies + tv shows. ➵  spiderverse movies, marvel, stranger things, heartstopper, young royals, red white and royal blue, first kill, anne with an e, hunger games, gilmore girls, i am not okay with this, my policeman, shadow and bone, she-ra, httyd, and more

characters. ➵ natasha romanoff, wanda maximoff, james potter, kate bishop, loki, katniss everdeen, max mayfield, robin buckley, tara jones, tori spring, alex claremont-diaz, jimmy kaga-ricci, georgia warr, evelyn hugo, remus lupin, sirius black, regulus black, lorelai gilmore, remus lupin, sirius black, elle argent, tao zu, beth harmon, finnick odair, jesper fahey

art. ➵ i love art but posting it is terrifying. i've just started doing digital art last year but my stupid ass drawing tablet broke so uh yayyy no more of that for the time being. i mainly paint but I'm doing printmaking at school so that there's more variation

my blogs. ➵ 

alt acc: @goldwingangell

writing: @svnflower-writes + my ao3 is sunflowerrmoon

mediocre poetry: @lostmypagewhenyoukissedme

aesthetics: my moodboards @inthestarsicanseeyoureyes

billie eilish icons: @eilishicons

note. ➵ i would love to be friends with you, please do not hesitate to message me/send me an ask (preferably an ask im an awkward mess in dms) i literally cannot shut up so if you talk to me abt anything i love i will enthusiastically respond (often in all caps) <3 my discord is the same @ i use here and if we're close you can ask for my insta <33 if you know me irl please stop looking at my blog. there's a 96% chance i don't want you looking at this blog, please don't take it personally <33 also, i'm sorta selective abt who i follow back and i rarely follow people back who don't have an intro post or a bio with an age bracket, name, and pronouns.

➵ thank you for reading my intro post <3

[graybeams]

Dear Diary,

Lately I have been envious to those who can make friends through anything they do. It just comes so naturally to them. Some people can just ease their way into conversations and walk right out of them with someone who wants to talk to them each time they see them. I find it hard to make friends through my passions too, mainly irl, because on the internet it's just so much easier to like someone's post and comment underneath it without mumbling or stuttering. I don't have to dwell on an awkward moment for much longer than neccessary and I can just breathe. But when someone does try to talk to me in person, I just freeze or avert my eyes away.. sometimes I even tense up from the sound of their voice.

That one may be from past trauma but I just hate it so much! I hate that I'm like this. Why can't I just be normal?! I'm told all the time that I'm not normal. That everybody else my age does this or that... That I'll never thrive if I don't rid this anxiety... It almost feels like a curse. And I'm aware that a lot of people suffer with anxiety but so many people in my life don't and that's why I get so emotionally frustrated. Because they don't understand. They don't understand how I'm feeling. If I could make it all go away... if I could make the mocking voices stop... I'd be okay. I'd feel okay. I could finally breathe without holding my breath every damn time sometimes approaches me. My palms wouldn't be damp. My shoulders could rest. My heart would slow down.

My whole mind would be at peace. No more overthinking. But instead, it's always going. I'm consumed with constant worry and stress. I wish my anxiety didn't kill my social skills. I wish I wasn't born like this. I wish I was normal. I wish it would end. I wish I could stop asking myself, "What's wrong with me?" and just disappear instead sometimes. Then I'd no longer have to feel this way anymore. Living with anxiety is exhausting. Existing is exhausting.

[olderthannetfic]

I saw that anon ask about how "kinning" became a thing bc our community got ripped apart, so i wanted to give some more history on otherkin.

Back in the 70's, there was a group of people who identified as elves from lotr. They were called the elf queens daughters and considered everyone who wasn't an elf "other kind". Flash forward to the 90's. On alt.horror.werewolves the 'were' community starts forming, containing not just people who identified as wolves (werewolves) but a plethora of other animals (such as weretigers, werebears, weredholes, etc). Anyone identifying as a terrestrial animal was welcome into the therian community, and they had now come up with a name, therianthropy. On other forums similar things were happening in parallel, draconians (dragons) found each other, unicorns found each other. For people identifying as anything non human, the otherkind community was there. After a bit the d fell off and it became otherkin. These four communities found each other and started mixing a bit, existing under the 'alterhuman' umbrella. I don't know when (im a therian so i stayed mainly in those places) but at some point people identifying as fictional people (fiction kin) and as plants (phylanthropes i think) also found their way to the community. They were probably there from the beginning too.

Alterhumans turned out to quite frequently already be existing in places that were not the mainstream, such as fandom. Many are neurodivergent/queer/mentally ill/whathaveyou. Already on the fringes, and quite frequently only out on the internet. So when fandom went mainstream (around game of thrones i think, but it had probably been an ongoing change for a while) suddenly there was a lot of new folks adjacent to our spaces. At first they mainly just made any and all harassment more frequent (i believe anti-otherkin trolls where the ones to coin 'kinning' but i could be wrong about that) but soon enough they had spread our terms (twisted out of shape) to the newcomers in fandom. Suddenly being kin no longer meant that you on the deepest level felt that you were this thing (in all ways except physical, to quote one of our 'celebrities'). Suddenly, it just meant that you liked a character. Suddenly it was a thing only teens do. Suddenly, our community all but disappeared. Because now we no longer had our language, and we couldn't find each other. You just found people who would harass and bully you if you "seriously think you're a squirrel". We are almost as separated from each other as we were before the internet allowed us to find one another.

This probably got kinda long but i feel like people need to know what happened to us and our community. Now, there are forums and such out there. There are still a few places left. But on the grand scale of things the loss of our language has caused us to be dispersed.

I do wanna share a cool story about finding others irl tho. I am not out and i never will be. At uni i was having lunch with some friends, and one person from the year under. I cant remember what we were talking about but suddenly he pointed to my shirt (that had wolves on it) and said something along the lines of "we're both wolves/animals". He then tapped his nose and said "i know my own kind". I will never forget that, haha. I have no clue how he knew bc i think im pretty good at hiding it. But i knew he was, bc his Facebook profile didn't lead to much doubt. It never mentioned our terms/words, but it might just as well have.

Sorry if this got long. I hope i have spread some information on where "kinning" came from, aka trolls that destroyed a more than three decade old community.

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[nogenderbee]

Their long distance so secretly comes at their concert

gender: neutral

type: headcanons, fluff

characters: An Shiraishi, Azusawa Kohane, Toya Aoyag, Akito Shinonome, Tsukasa Tenma, Nene Kusanagi

That's my first post from Colorful Stage so I think I'm gonna just see how you guys will like it and maybe I'm gonna write more...

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Unfortunately you came on place a little later than you expected but luckily you could still enter the concert and because you weren't really quiet your partner noticed when you came and recognized you

An Shiraishi:

· at first she didn't saw you but then when Toya and Akito had their moment, Kohane pointed at you and asked if it's her partner (yes she showed Kohane your photos)

"omg it is! Let's give the best concert ever!"

· she was trying not to be loud to not interrupt the other two singing

· after concert she invites you to go out and get some ice-cream or literally anything

· overall she was really excited to finally meet you and already plan to introduce you to her dad and all her friends

Azusawa Kohane:

· we all know that concerts for Kohane are pretty stressful but somehow when she saw you come in, all her stress just disappear

· after the show An wanted to celebrate the great show but she asked if she can bring one person with her

"Of course! The more the merrier!"

· she immediately go to you

"Hey, YN...do you want to go out with me and my friends? I'm sure you will get along"

· you could see her smiling so who are you to reject the offer?

Toya Aoyagi:

· the moment he saw you he was supposed to give his little solo and he was ready to make it the best solo he ever did

· after concert he wanted to immediately go to you but he wanted to say goodbye to his friends because he knew he wanted to spend rest of the day with you

"Welcome YN, why didn't you said anything? I'd make sure I have time to hang out with you."

· spends as much time as he can because he have quite a lot of concerts planned

· if you want to meet his friends he'd be more than happy and oh my...they literally loved

· also if you tell them on what concerts of theirs you're planning to go, they An will get you front seat

Akito Shinonome:

· he knows he's not the best in Vivid Bad Squad but he tried to at least be on the same level as them for you

· and oh boy he thinks that he did so bad impression on you but how wrong he was...you were literally sooo impressed

"Hey guys, I'm gonna meet with someone. Don't wait for me! Hey, YN? Did you enjoyed at least a little?"

· after couple of minutes of silent he thinked that you hated it but then you started keep complimenting him

· also he taked you to meet his sister because you clearly wanted to since you had nice contact with her and you sometimes were talking

· jego siostra dosłownie cię kocha za to że zawsze go skarcisz jak trzeba

Tsukasa Tenma:

· literally could feel his all passion for singing multiple and personally thinks that it was his best concert so far

· after the show instantly goes to you and probably Rui and Emu go to see where he go be sure he didn't say a word to them

"Hey! YN! It's me Tsukasa, you recognize me, right?"

· I dare you to say "no" as joke and his friends would burst laughing

· overall he's a little bit more...extrovert because of how happy he is to finally see you

· also really wants you to meet his sister because she said herself that she want to meet you

Nene Kusanagi:

· it made her really shy at first but then she realized that you never actually judged her and she got her all passion to sing especially for you

· after the show she probably needed a little encourage from the others to meet you but that didn't meant that she didn't wanted to

"No, don't do it for me, I can meet them myself. Alright...here I go"

· at first very shy which you instantly noticed because she only been like this at the beginning of your realstionship

· as the time pass she's more comfortable around you irl, just like she was through the internet