#i also know I have more health issues just haven’t gone to the doctor for em yet </3 my body is simply falling apart tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

purplesurveys · 1 year

Text

1603 - happy new year’s eve eve!

Have you done any of the same things as me? [2022 Edition] by joybucket

experienced something amazing and miraculous? 🤩 I’ve experienced amazing things like getting a new dog, seeing the sea, having profound conversations with a few Grab drivers, etc; but nothing miraculous mainly because I don’t believe in miracles.

switched to a new primary care doctor? I don’t even have a main doctor.

tried a new medication? 💊 Yes. When I sprained my ankle, the Good Samaritans who helped nurse my foot also gave me these capsules to take every 8 or so hours.

felt afraid to leave the house? Yes - that time in July when there was a shooting in Ateneo. My family was out that day and that scared me more, but I was staying at home at the time and thought under no circumstances was I going out that week. Kaye actually invited me to dinner NEAR THE DAMN PLACE and I had to tell her girl did you not know people literally got killed 8 hours ago? lol.

had a new neighbor move in? I can finally answer this question with a yes, lol. We didn’t have any nearby neighbors for at least like a decade, but in 2022 there was a family who moved in across us; the abandoned house beside ours also finally got renovated and another family is I believe currently renting the place.

met a new neighbor? I haven’t. We usually keep to ourselves but for the family who moved in across us this month I am thinking of sending them a little something.

read the entire Bible? 📖 I haven’t touched that book since high school.

had a smoothie that tasted really, really good? 🍹 I don’t like smoothies. I did try this great mocha nut latte earlier this month and discovered how fantastic chocnut works with coffee.

had some significant health issues? Other than my sprained ankle, my carpal tunnel syndrome acted up quite a bit this year.

made a lot of surveys? I’ve never made a survey.

taken a lot of surveys? Like any other year.

gave yourself a significant haircut? 💇‍♀️ I always have my hair professionally worked on, whether it’s a trim or dye job. I do not trust myself with a pair of scissors for anything haha.

discovered a new YouTube channel you really liked? Earlier this year I found Institute of Human Anatomy, who I bingewatched for a while. Bea also got me into Korean Englishman/Jolly. She’s been trying to get me on the train since 2021 actually, but it was only this year when my attention was finally caught.

discovered a new favorite book? 📖 I didn’t have any major book discoveries this year.

re-read a book you really liked? 📖 I re-discovered Midnight Sun when I found it in our storage (after thinking my mom threw it out), but I didn’t re-read it per se as I never finished it in the past.

debated reaching out to someone and asking for prayer, but didn't? 🙏 I do not ask for prayers, at least actively. People tell me they pray for me which is always appreciated as I know it must mean a lot for them to do so; but it’s not something I would take the initiative to ask for.

started taking a new birth control pill? I have never taken birth control.

experienced anaphylaxis? Nope.

...and then had to be on Prednisone for three months because of it? Nope, I don’t have regular medications.

gained weight from a medication? I didn’t.

...and then lost some of it once you were off the medication, but not all of it? I didn’t.

discovered you had steroid-induced diabetes? Nope.

daydreamed a lot? 💭 Probably, yeah.

had overdue library books? 📚 I haven’t been to a library, much less borrow a book, since pre-pandemic college, so no. I’ve always been terrible at returning books though and I always get that Look of Shock from librarians when they see the total of my overdue charges LOL so you were at least right about that.

worn a mask? 😷 Just about every time I’ve gone out! The government has lifted mask-wearing for both indoor and outdoor areas so technically we have the choice/freedom to go maskless now, but people in Manila are rather paranoid and prefer wearing a mask still – I do, too. Provinces though, I’ve observed that they are much less cautious and people hardly wear masks there anymore.

worn a mask when cleaning, because you're allergic to dust mites? 😷 I’m not allergic so I don’t wear a mask. I sneeze a lot though, lol.

went days without washing your hair? A few times, yes.

felt overjoyed one day and then depressed the next? It happens.

thought about how much you missed going to church? ⛪️ All I think about is when I can finally stop going, so no.

thought about how much you missed painting? 🖼 Yeah, a little bit! I had some paint-by-numbers stacked in my closet for a while - they were 2021 Christmas gifts that I never got around to sending out lol, and I was always getting that voice in my head asking what the fuck I wanted to do with them.

....and thought about how you'd like to start painting again? 🎨 Sure. The resolution to that ^ is that I finally pulled one of the packs out and started painting. Just this December, actually. I plan on continuing the template for the rest of the company break/shutdown.

found out that someone got hit by a car and died while crossing a street that you cross all the time? I unfortunately saw the aftermath of a very graphic motorcycle crash on Christmas Day, and that dude I saw with his face down was most likely a casualty. I don’t pass the area all the time, just whenever we head south; but it was still spooky nonetheless. More sad than spooky though, considering a family’s gonna have to find out they lost someone on Christmas Day.

enjoyed watching the snow fall? ❄️ I have never seen snow.

wished you had a car? 🚘 I already do.

talked to your mom on the phone? 📱 A few times, but they were always 15-second calls where either of us just ask the other something urgent.

talked to your mom online? 💬 Yeah, whenever she’s at work we communicate through Messenger.

realized none of your bras fit you anymore? Nope, they all still work just fine.

received a package in the mail? 📦 I mean this year was no different and I still bought stacks upon stacks of K-pop merch lol, so yes I did receive packages a handful of times.

started watching Youtube Shorts regularly? Oh I irrationally hate those. Trying so hard to be IG reels/TikTok lol when YouTube’s strong suit has always been longer videos.

practiced self-hypnosis? 😵 No, I don’t believe in hypnosis.

discovered a new food you really liked? Not food exactly but my mom got this tub of local vinegar called pinakurat that is SO good; works with any Filipino breakfast food. I ask for it all the time now.

discovered your bike had a flat tire? 🚴 Not my bike but our car! Happened on our way back to Manila from Zambales. We were a mere hundred meters away from the expressway (where my dad would’ve gone 90-100 kph) when we heard a loud pop. The place we got stuck at (Subic) is notably a safer city than other provinces so it was such a welcome surprise seeing Good Samaritans all over the damn road momentarily stop by and offer help – even more amazing was that the vice mayor of the city happened to drive by at the time and immediately stopped where we were to give tips about what we should do, where to go, who to talk to, etc. In the end, my dad was also able to get a lift from another Good Samaritan to the nearest vulcanizing shop to get the whole thing settled.

Touching show of humanity, but at the same time also gave me some sort of existential crisis because fuck knows what would have happened had we reached the freeway and had the tire pop there instead.

made a new playlist of songs you really liked? 🎶 My sister and I made a few Blended playlists on Spotify but that’s about it.

got rid of a ton of old clothes? 👚 Not yet at least. But I’m planning on gathering clothes I know longer use and giving them to Reena to sell, all profit hers. Poor girl got scammed 20k recently and I just want to help.

ran/walked a Christmas-themed race? 🏃‍♀️ You will never find me in a race/fun run/marathon haha.

watched your city's Christmas parade? We don’t have one.

enjoyed eating salads? 🥗 Just tuna sashimi salads.

enjoyed eating chocolate pie? I’ve never had chocolate pie.

celebrated Thanksgiving alone? I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.

celebrated your birthday alone? I wasn’t alone. I was with my family on the day of; that same weekend my friends and I set off to Zambales for a quick beach trip.

didn't really have a good birthday? No, I had a fantastic one this year.

almost died multiple times? Apart from the time I had a bad fall in the bathroom and could have cracked my skull if not for the instinct of tucking my head, no.

enjoyed reading the Bible? 📖 I never enjoyed reading it and have no plans of touching one again.

danced around your living room? 💃 Sure, a few times.

written in cursive? ✍️ Yeah I practiced every now and then so that my penmanship doesn’t get rusty.

written in a journal? 📓 I have this account. I don’t write in journals because my mom is likely to snoop around.

written in a one-line-a-day journal? 📔 No, I don’t really do that when I have whole-ass surveys to fill out haha.

accidentally dropped a dish and broke it? Not a plate. But just this month my dad and I were unloading groceries when I dropped a tub of mayonnaise LOL. Luckily enough my dad got the one with plastic packaging that day, so the only thing that got damaged was the seal. Had we gotten the variant with glass packaging I would have gotten a mouthful.

went for a walk through the cemetery on Halloween? We went to a columbarium on All Souls’ Day (pretty close to Halloween, so I’ll count it) to visit my grandpa.

not brought your camera with you somewhere, and then wished you had? 📸 Not necessarily but I’ve had my phone die on me when I was at the beach wanting to take photos of the sunset.

discovered a new really good book? Nope.

read a book with a character named Simone in it? I did not.

had a doctor get irritated with you? Nah. I went to a couple dentists this year and they couldn’t have been nicer.

had a doctor not believe you about something? Nope.

broke out in acne all over your face? I had a few pimples show up here and there. I wouldn’t call it a breakout though.

found out one of your friends had COVID? 🦠 Yeah. People are still getting Covid all over the place but it’s no longer as bad or feared about as it used to be. “She got Covid” is just about as scary as “She has a fever” now.

wondered if you had COVID? 🦠 Every time I come home from being in an overcrowded place. Never got it though.

played Mahjong on your phone? 🀄️ I don’t even know how that works, so no.

used a lot of emojis? 🦄 🤪 💃 I use emojis frequently, but always the same ones. I have little use for the majority of them.

wore a cheetah-print mask? Nope.

worshiped God? 💃 Nooooooooooooope.

uploaded some new photos to Facebook? Yes, when Kimi passed I uploaded photos of me and him, photos of his urn, and Cooper and Agi standing beside the urn. I also always uploaded post-concert photos at the end of all of BTS’ online shows this year.

sorted through some old photos on your computer? Yeah, a few times.

wondered why your fridge was making funny noises? It didn’t.

gone for lovely and enchanting walks in the fall? 🍁 We don’t have fall.

wore the same outfit for days? Like, without washing? Eugh, hahaha. No. I do repeat outfits but I make sure it’s been like a month since I last wore a particular top-bottom pairing.

worn slipper socks? I didn’t this year.

gone out to eat with your parents? I took them out for dinner, just the two of them, earlier this year; but for the most part they prefer me to take the whole family out i.e. including my siblings, if I was going to give a treat.

enjoyed looking at your friends' baby pictures on Facebook? None of them have kids.

wondered what one of your friends was going to name her baby? We talk about it all the time.

wished someone would invite you to church, but no one did? Not applicable.

took more medication than you were supposed to when you were in severe pain? Not necessarily but I did take some desperate measures when I was dealing with wisdom tooth pain, pre-extraction. I strapped a cold compress to my face and also rubbed Katinko hoping it would feel numb.

wished autocorrect didn't make so many annoying errors? Well, not really. I just turned it off because autocorrect is an utter bitch when I’m typing in Filipino.

wished your cramps would go away? Don’t we always wish they would, when they do come?

enjoyed having a conversation with a random stranger while waiting in line for something? Not while waiting in line, but whenever I take a Grab on the way to a destination. I always make it a point to make conversation with my drivers because 1) everyone else probably wants a silent ride and I can’t imagine how lonely the drivers feel driving strangers all day, and 2) you wouldn’t believe the amazing conversations that can sometimes come out of those moments.

wished you could see your cousins more? Yeah, especially cousins on my dad’s side.

thought about how much you used to love church? No.

had a certain traumatic incident keep coming back to haunt you? Not so much, no.

debated trying to get to know your neighbors more? Sure.

not eaten anything sweet on your birthday? This is true! I don’t really like cake, so I never planned on getting one made.

....for the first time ever, since you normally eat cake on your birthday? Nah, I’ve had a few birthdays with no cake.

eaten a lot of mango popsicles? I’ve never even had one.

5 notes · View notes

theflagscene · 1 year

Text

Okay so I have a few messages in my inbox as well as comments on AO3 (which I will get to over there since I know not everyone has Tumblr or followers fic writers) and I didn’t want to reply to one or two anon messages explaining things and make that/those person/people feel like I’m like info dumping directly at them because they just happened to ask, that’s not fair. Also I didn’t want to reply to the non anon messages in private for the same reason, cause like, it’s a lot and a couple y’all just asked a simple question, it’s not your fault that the answer isn’t simple.

As for wether I am working on more chapters for Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, or is it abandoned? It is absolutely not abandoned, none of my fics are ever officially abandoned, even if I don’t update it for like months or even years (side eying a unfinished SPN fic I have from 3 years ago)

I am working on the fifth chapter of DIECYM, as well as all of my very late prompt fics and continuations and one shots, etc. Chapter five does take precedence obviously, so that’s the one I try to get the most done on as often as I can, I know waiting for a fic to update sucks, especially if you really enjoy it and I love hearing about people rereading it while they wait, it truly warms my cold lil heart. Also asking about updates never makes me feel pressured, I’ve mentioned this before, so please, never apologize for poking at me about possible updates or sneak peeks, etc.

Now to the info dumping, I’ll be frank and as blunt as possibly. A while ago I suffered a mental breakdown, some shit happened, it sucked and I couldn’t take it. I managed to power through a lot of it, I still wrote a ton, I actually wrote the first four chapters of DIECYM mid breakdown. Things have gotten worse recently, I am under psychiatric care and my support system is, I’d say pretty damn decent. Right now we’re just working on keeping me at home and out of the hospital, which is proving to be a difficult thing because to be completely honest, I’m not always this cognizant. I have a history of dangerous behaviour that we’re not looking for a repeat performance of tbh. And while all this is going on, I’m also looking for new housing as well as dealing with an chronically ill dog that needs to see a new veterinarian because her last one moved and I do not have the means to pay for that. It’s gonna cost me 100 dollars for the visit, 400 for the bloodwork and 180 for her medication. So nearly 700 dollars is needed for me to keep my dog well and that is basically my entire monthly income, I already use the food banks near me every couple of weeks to try and supplement the lack of groceries I’m able to obtain, but being a vegan, they don’t exactly have much that I can use. Which I know isn’t their fault, they help how they can with what they can and I’m grateful for their help every single day.

So between my dwindling mental health, heavy medication, housing stress, food shortage, money issues and an sick dog, I’ve been writing at a snail’s pace. I spend most of my days barely able to interact with people, online or irl. I mostly just sit, staring, my mother has more than once checked on me and thought I had just gone fully catatonic. I hadn’t, I can just focus very very deeply, like not even on the same plane of existence kind of deeply lol. Space cadet, that’s me! Point is, I physically can’t make myself write. Like the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Oh, and I also might have fractured my left arm, so that also doesn’t make typing any easier. Just trying to get this all written out on my phone has been hell. I need to go to the doctor to get my arm scanned but I haven’t left the house in nearly 3 months at this point, so it’s like, yeah, just, ugh, not going great.

But to reiterate, none of my fics are abandoned, they are all going to get finished and are all currently being worked on. It’s just going to be way way slower than you’re used too, someone once commented to me that “the devil works fast but you work faster” lol. Well not anymore, the devil may win this time, my slow and steady tortoise progress will have to do for now 🐢🐢

I hope you can understand 🥰

#just fanfic things #fanfic writing #just writer things #writers block #tw mental breakdown #tw mental health #tw suicide mention #replies #anon replies #DIECYM

5 notes · View notes

thatnarcissisticfeel · 2 years

Note

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

3 notes · View notes

can-of-pringles · 6 months

Text

When I'm Alone with You - Chapter 11

Rating: Gen

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1k

Summary: When Silas doesn't show up to lunch like usual, Copia gets worried.

Also Read on AO3

Copia fidgeted with the pen in his hand, hardly focusing on the paperwork on his desk. He sighed and tapped his foot anxiously. Silas hadn’t shown up for lunch, which was highly unlike him. Copia hadn’t even heard from him today, causing him to worry.

He furrowed his brows and frowned. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he could continue working without knowing if Silas was okay. Just one check and he could breathe a sigh of relief. Silas hadn’t said anything about taking off that day or anything, so he had to be there somewhere. Copia just had to find him.

As he thought about it more, his concern grew. The last time he noticed people missing, it didn’t end well. Copia sensed a chill down his spine and felt fear in the pit of his stomach.

Copia swallowed nervously and shook his head. There was no reason for Silas to be in danger. Sister had already shown her approval for him before and after all, he was just a janitor, not a threat to the Papacy whatsoever.

He took a breath and calmed down somewhat before he set off to find him. Copia pushed out his chair and stood up. Just one quick check and everything would be alright again. Hopefully, he wouldn’t run into Sister and have to explain why he wasn’t currently working.

“Oh, yeah, Sister, sorry, I’m looking for my best friend instead of working right now because I’m scared something happened to him and it may or may not be your fault.” He thought, rolling his eyes.

Copia wandered the halls, keeping his gloved hands clasped in order to keep from fidgeting. He decided to check outside last, considering that there were rooms closer that he needed to check first. He halted and shook his head; facepalming when he remembered the break room that existed. Surely he’d be there.

He let out a breath of relief when he saw Silas sitting in the break room. He was the only one there. Copia walked into the room, accidentally causing Silas to jump slightly in surprise.

“I’m so sorry, Silas! I didn’t mean to scare you…” He glanced down at the floor.

Silas regained composure and sighed. “Hey…” He absentmindedly rubbed his arm, looking away for a second.

Copia hesitantly moved to sit beside him on the couch. “What’s wrong? I didn’t see you at lunch… and I was worried.”

“I’m sorry, um, I’m sort of flaring today… I’ve got something wrong with my joints and it’s just extra painful today, so I needed to rest for a bit.”

“Ah… I see, are you alright?” Copia frowned.

“I’ll be okay in a bit. I know I’m not actually on break, please don’t tell Sister. I’ll get back to work in a second.” He stammered.

“It’s okay. My lips are sealed.” To prove his point, he pretended to zip his mouth, causing Silas to chuckle a little.

“Thank you, Copia.” He sighed in relief.

They sat in silence for a moment. Copia kept his gaze on his clasped hands. He refrained from frowning.

“So… how long has this been going on?”

“The flare…? Or in general?” Silas looked at him.

“I… well, I meant more in general… is this a regular thing for you?” Copia raised a brow.

“Yeah, I’ve been having issues since I was a kid. I just haven’t gone to the doctor’s yet.” He looked away. “With the flares, I don’t know. I guess they show up now and then?”

Copia tried to hide his shock. “You’ve been dealing with problems with your joints since you were a kid and you haven’t gone to the doctor?”

“Well, when you put it like that…” He sighed. “Listen, it’s not usually this bad, and I really hate going to the doctors, so I’ve been putting it off.”

Copia wanted to argue with him, feeling upset at the fact his friend had been neglecting this part of his health for so long, but there was no point in fighting. There would be a better time to talk about it later. And he figured it wasn’t really his business, anyway.

“I’m sorry,” he said instead. “Do you need any pain medicine? I think I have some in my office. You know, mild stuff.”

Silas stayed quiet as he thought it over before nodding. “Yeah, actually, then I could probably get back to work.”

Copia stood up and offered his hand to help. Silas took it and slowly stood up as well. Copia frowned when he winced slightly.

“How long have you been hurting? All day?” Copia walked beside him, available to help him keep steady if he needed it.

“Yeah, pretty much… I thought I could just wait it out, but I guess not.” He sighed. “It wasn’t too bad at first. I’ve dealt with worse, but I don’t know…”

“You shouldn’t have to go that long in pain…” Copia sounded upset.

They made it to Copia’s office. He led him to sit down in his chair and left to get him water to take with the pill. While he was out, Silas casually looked around the room. Nothing stood out in particular. To his surprise, Copia kept it fairly empty; no decorations at least. He wondered if it was because of Sister Imperator and how she ran things. However, he noticed a small picture frame on the desk, albeit seemingly pushed aside slightly. It was of Copia and his older brother figures, as he would put it.

“I’m back. Here you go. I just got you a glass from the kitchen.” Copia entered the room and handed Silas the cup of water.

“Thank you, really,” he said.

“No problem,” Copia replied as he opened a desk drawer and searched for the medicine. Once he found it, he gave the container to Silas.

Silas opened it and took out a pill, taking it with the water. Once he’d finished, he took a breath.

“Hopefully it won’t take too long for the effects to kick in.” Copia placed the medicine back.

“Yeah, I can probably start cleaning again, and it’ll work.” He sighed and stood up from the chair.

“Do you need anything else?” Copia looked up at him.

“No, I don’t think so… thanks, though.” He gave him a small smile.

“Okay, please let me know if you do. I don’t want you hurting when there’s a solution.” The Cardinal mildly fretted.

“I will.” Silas had his hand on the doorknob.

“Silas?”

He looked back at him expectantly. Copia tried focusing his thoughts, although it was more of a struggle than usual. He couldn’t explain it, but looking at Silas jumbled his thoughts and made him feel oddly warm inside.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m pretty much always here… if you need me, you know?” He glanced away for a second before looking at him again.

Silas smiled and hoped he wasn’t blushing at the moment. “Thank you, Copia. I really appreciate it. You’re too good for me.”

“I feel like I’m the right amount of good for you? I think? I think we both are to each other?” He stammered and smiled sheepishly, fiddling with his clothes.

Silas scoffed playfully. “You know what I mean. I’ll see you later, okay? I’m sorry for not telling you earlier where I was…”

“Nah, don’t sweat it, I’ll see you soon.” Copia shrugged, not telling him how worried he’d gotten.

He nodded and smiled before finally leaving.

Copia grinned and chuckled to himself, subconsciously wriggling his fingers in happiness. He stopped once he realized and sighed slightly. He didn’t know exactly why he did it, but he had been doing it ever since he was a kid. Sometimes an emotion was so strong he just couldn’t contain it. Although he felt embarrassed about it, only doing it in private, and even then, it still felt wrong.

“Okay, back to work…” He sat down in his chair and tried to re-stack the papers.

“I hope Silas will be okay.”

#the band ghost #ghost band #ghost #copia x oc #silas x copia #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #papa copia #ghost band oc #ghost oc #silas petersson #ghost band fic #ghost band fanfic #ghost band fanfiction #the band ghost fanfiction #my writing #pringles writing

1 note · View note

phyltopia · 7 months

Text

Cleaning Out My Closet

I just moved into a new place and one of the things I’ve tasked myself with is getting rid of a lot of clutter. I’ve got some stuff in boxes that has been with me through four or five moves, and it’s never left the box it started in. It’s not particularly sentimental stuff, it’s just a bunch of random shit I’ve held onto for some reason, or more accurately- for absolutely no reason whatsoever. But it’s also really hot out, so I decided to start in a little bit different direction. I decided to start by decluttering my phone. A consciously uncoupling if you will, or whatever dumbass thing Gwyneth Paltrow called a breakup.

So anyway, I’m cleaning out my phone, and I did it in a couple of waves. I didn’t start with a whole lot- I’m not exactly a social butterfly- but I ended up deleting about a third of them. The first wave was easy- it was mostly business relationships or people who ended up in my phone by happenstance. My old pharmacy? I can delete that. It would be awfully inconvenient to drive six hours to pick up my prescriptions. My old doctor in Century City? Don’t get me wrong, she was a wonderful doctor- in fact if you’re in the greater Los Angeles area and in need of a doctor, I can’t recommend Dr. Jessica Cho strongly enough. But I’m not there anymore. So she can go. My ex-fiancee’s ex-husband’s new wife? Frankly I have no idea how she got there in the first place, but she can go for sure. The girl I met at a bar listed in my phone as Tiny Blonde Wino? Also gone. Anyone whose listed last name is the company we both used to work for? Clearly gone, because our only relationship was at work, and I don’t work there any longer.

The second wave was a little trickier, because they were people I did have at least a modicum of a relationship with at some point. Maybe they were work friends who were actual sort-of friends or other random people I met somewhere along the way, but there was a reason I had their number. Maybe I kept it because I’m a little self-conscious about not being particularly social, and not having a lot of friends, so it was kind of stat padding, like Russell Westbrook intentionally missing a shot so he could record a triple double. Either way there was at least a shred of sentiment attached to it.

Something I talk about a lot at work is becoming the hero in your own story. You see, all of us are the main character in our own story, and we decide whether we’re the hero, the victim, or the villain. But part of realizing that we’re our own main character is also realizing that we’re not the main character in anyone else’s, no matter how hard we try. And in fact, if someone else is the main character in our story then we need to talk about codependency issues, but that’s a conversation for another time.

A lot of times when I’ve deleted people from my phone in the past, it’s been out of anger. Someone doesn’t answer my call or return a text enough times and “I’ll fuckin’ show you!” Show you what, exactly? Because the other person clearly doesn’t care. Some of the numbers I’d see and think, “well maybe they’ll text me sometime or need something and I won’t know who it is.” That’s crazy talk. They won’t because they haven’t. I’m not that important. I've even deleted contacts and saved a screenshot, just in case I changed my mind. Part of that is because I suffer from Narcissistic Confabulation Dysmorphia (which is a mental health condition I invented that basically just means that I’m kind of a giant baby. Stay tuned for that in the DSM-VI), but the other part is that everyone thinks we’re more important than we are. We have to, because we see the world through our own eyes, and only from our own perspective. On a larger scale, to realize that I’m always going to be a supporting character in everyone else’s life, and I don’t get to decide how big of a player I am, I have to release those expectations. That’s neither good nor bad, it’s just reality. I just realized that by constantly grasping and clinging to the past, I’m only giving myself rope burns. Maybe I was important at some point but am no longer, or maybe I was just a bad decision at a bar to a tiny blonde wino. Another part of reality is that everything in life is impermanent- every feeling, every experience, every emotion. Even if you get married and say “til death do us part,” well one of y’all gonna die. That’s both the beauty and the tragedy of life, and we can’t experience one without the other.

So I’ve cleaned out my phone. The next step is to contact all the people who are still in my phone who I haven’t talked to in a while. To reach out and let them know that they’re still an important part of my journey, even if we don’t see each other often. Because what’s the point in keeping them (metaphorically) around if I don’t? So that number could drop even lower. And that too, is a part of life.

My challenge to you, then, is to consciously uncouple with the people in your phone who are no longer part of your journey. It’ll create space for new people, and new adventures. Because the exciting thing about life is that, in the past there are only memories, but there are always adventures to be had in the future.

0 notes

thisselflovecamebacktome · 1 year

Text

These posts are going to have less/no trigger warnings as time goes on and instead just be tagged ‘Weight Loss’, but as I recognise that I only made the announcement that they will be a thing today, the first couple will: This post will talk about eating habits (including disordered eating), exercise and weight loss. As noted in my announcement post, nothing I say here is recommended for anyone but myself and you should always see a doctor and/or nutritionist before making any large changes to your health regime. As a whole, it is just for myself so that I have it documented somewhere. So with that in mind.

My Health Journey: The Beginning.

I haven’t been one for new year’s resolutions since I was a kid. Even then, I was generally horrible at them (sorry to the vegans/vegetarians who I promised I’d join for 8 years straight just to last a maximum of 10 days before going back to eating meat). But over the last two years or so, there’s been a returning sense of irritation to all aspects of my life to do more and do better for myself. This irritation is getting louder with time. Though I have started (and in some cases unfortunately been stopped by external forces) this journey with many aspects of my life, health is the one aspect that seems to be lagging. So like I guess as a but of accountability towards myself and to have record of it, I’m going to document the process. I’m not sure how often I am going to record this stuff, but I imagine it’ll be as important milestones come up or if anything major changes. For today though, I will simply be noting my thoughts going into it as it’s far too soon to have seen any progress.

Why did I wait so long?

For those who don’t know, I’ve been gaining weight for about 7 1/2 years now. In that time I’ve gone from an Australian size 8 (American size 4) to a size 16 - 18 (American 12 - 14) in that time. Predating that, I had a history of binge eating so a lot of my early teen years had me at about an Australian 14 - 16 (American 10 - 12). Factors in my life led me down a road of needing control, leading to an excessive exercise based eating disorder which got me down to that size 8.

The loss of 99% of my family/declining relationship with the only two members I have any communication with and the additional impacts that that has had also has lead me to a spot where a lot of the last 7 1/2 years has been at a level of chaos where surviving has been the goal rather than thriving. For years it genuinely seemed like a win that I was eating and ‘not afraid’ to eat unhealthy foods unlike in my anorexic/over exercising years. It has only been recently that I’ve realised how much my emotional eating has impacted me. While I realised that I refused to eat when upset, I’m also a boredom eater, meaning that I’ve been eating far too much, even when I’m not hungry. My fear of going back to that place also formulated into a fear of going back to the gym for a lot of those years because there has honestly been a correlation between how skinny I am and how dysfunctional I’m willing to be to maintain that. Additionally, the gym is fucking expensive for adults here (unlike secondary students who get a major discount) and given money has been tight, yeah, that hasn’t really been an option.

And honestly? Dealing with law + psychology degrees, being a carer for my highly suicidal mother, ongoing legal issues and my own mental illness just left me in a place where I was too exhausted... which of course was made worse by mostly eating junk food and barely physically moving outside of that.

But ultimately? I didn’t do it because I didn’t love myself enough to. I have been in a mental place where life has not felt worth living since I was 20 (when I lost my family), and because it hasn’t felt as if it was going to get better, I couldn’t be assed to try. I cared more about being petty towards my fatphobic mother and ate a full pizza or chocolate block every time she made a comment about my weight. I told myself that I’d come around to it when I felt better/when life got better. And I felt too socially awkward to exercise in my house given my brother or mother could walk in at any time, let alone elsewhere where others could see me. Hell, as you’ll see later (and tbh the thing I’m most ashamed of here), I haven’t even cared enough to have a proper/suitable teeth brushing schedule. Simply put, I just reached a place of complacency.

Why now?

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve reached a point where I’ve had this irritation growing within me to do better for myself. Ironically enough, it comes at a time where I love my body... until I look at photos. Like I can genuinely say that I feel skinnier than I am. Just like how my eating disorder had very little to do with the shape/weight of my body, so too does this healthy choice. It is simply that I have reached a point where I no longer feel healthier than I am. Long covid has torn through my body and the mixture of that and my other unhealthy habits has lead to a place where I can barely get out of bed most days. As such, I am no longer in a position where I can wait ‘until it gets better’. It is now essential to change my heath if I want any chance to survive and thrive.

What’s the ultimate goal?

To be consistently healthy, balanced and happy. But if we’re putting numbers on it, getting down to and maintaining an Australian 12 (American 8) would be amazing. Exercise wise, I’d love to be able to scale the mountain right near my place (4.1km/2.6 miles/1.5 hours) without too much if any issue on a consistent basis. Though it’s not a requirement, I would also love to get down to that size 12 by the time Taylor Swift comes to Australia for her eras tour so that I can wear my old I Know Places bomber jacket to the show.

What’s changing?

I haven’t got set plans for most of the changes I plan to make, but the main areas my health team and I are setting goals for are as follows; food intake, exercise, general hygiene and confidence building.

Food intake: I’m actually four days into this, but a lot of this is simply trading out my lunches and reducing other meals + non water drinks. Being still at home, I was already eating relatively healthy dinners because regardless of who cooks, it has to be healthy enough for everyone. But yeah, outside of dinner, my eating habits have been an absolute mess up until the new year. I’d almost never eat breakfast, have frozen pizzas/something just as unhealthy for lunch, have dinner and then a chocolate block or some other dessert all while mostly drinking sweetened iced tea. So as things stand, my health team and I have a 3 stage plan for changing this.

First (and what I’m currently doing), we’re adding in a piece of fruit/bowl of weetbix for breakfast, substituting what I was previously having for lunch with fruit yoghurt and/or more fruit and/or salad, taking out all snack foods/only having “proper” desserts when my family cooks them so that I can keep an eye on proportions and keeping the regular dinners. This will only alter if we are eating out which I mostly do for dinner anyway. I also want to learn to cook more fluently (I currently know the basics for each meat + how to made like salads and stuff but nothing in-depth and I feel like having more knowledge and variety in that way will make me more likely to stick to this).

Secondly, once I feel balanced with my eating, we’re going to substitute my sugary drinks for fruit smoothies. This has the benefit of not feeling like I’m cold turkeying all of it, still getting to have some sugar and having additional fruit intake.

And lastly, we’re eventually going to slowly weed out the smoothies for water. This one will probably be the hardest tbh because I was raised by people who never drunk water so the habit runs deep ngl.

Exercise: We haven’t made a solid plan for this yet because I’m awaiting test results related to my long covid that will impact it. But the hope at the moment is to start with 15 minutes of exercise (most likely walking) and build it up to 20 minutes, then half an hour, then the usual recommended 45 minutes. I’m also hoping to buy a few cheap things like weights to do on rainy days. At this point we are also discussing whether buying a weighing scale would be helpful or triggering given my past, or if I should just see the results in the way I feel/the change of clothes size, but no consensus has been made on that yet.

General hygiene: As mentioned above, the grand majority of this is simply getting in a habit of brushing my teeth as often as I should. However, I would like to get into habits of changing out of my pjs earlier on days where I’m not doing anything (should be easier with the exercise regime + hopefully going back to work soon) and cleaning my space more (read: vacuuming my room + cleaning my car more, the rest is pretty clean).

Confidence: I may not be the ugly duckling of my family that I once thought I was, but god am I still awkward as all hell. And like a lot of it just comes from imposter syndrome and assuming no one likes me. Not all of that is to do with weight, but some of it is and I’m in therapy and working on it (even if the process is not as quick as I’d like). More generally I’m also really hoping to push myself out of comfort boxes this year and go to more events, even (and in same ways especially) if I have to go alone and am trying to be nicer to myself though.

How do I currently feel?

Honestly? Horrible. My body is still adjusting to the lack and difference of food and emotionally it’s rough not to go back to comfort eating. But I will also note that due to influences outside my control, I’ve only had about half an hour’s sleep each night since before new year’s day, so I imagine that is having more of an impact on my body than the actual food situation. So I am grateful that I am at least in a mental position to realise that and keep going.

But yeah, I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Hopefully the next time I update on this, it will be with good news.

#about me #weight loss

1 note · View note

aspieindisguize · 1 year

Text

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I’m not usually one to spill my guts on the web but right now I’ve never felt more alone and I just feel like I’m going to spiral unless I get this out. Some context- me F27 my husband M28 have been together 7 years and married for 4 months.

We have had our issues in the past but I thought we loved each other enough to get past all of our issues but now I question myself and wonder if I was just being naïve. He is an alcoholic in denial and though he is not currently drinking it does not mean that I have not caught him trying to (sneaking a bottle but caught him before he drank it) and hiding it in the house. He has also said that he wants to drink again and he refuses to go to AA. He also has his own mental health issues CPTSD including being suicidal at times. After years of encouragement he finally has gone to the doctor and has started some medication and says that he is open to counseling but now is talking like he is backing out of the counseling. I personally have my own issues (I’m a burn survivor/ed) that I have been in therapy for for years, and I too have been on meds for years- that is one of the reasons why I begged him to seek help for his destructive behavior. He pushed me to get help for my issues-

Our support system has moved out of state and he is not willing to move to be with them for a few years meaning that I’m stuck here by myself having to deal with all of this alone. I feel like the romance has died in our relationship and that I feel more like his mom than his wife. I have given up on so many things so I could be there for him and support his needs and dreams but I don’t feel the same support. In fact I feel judgement for my ideas and dreams. Over the last two days I have been so depressed that I haven't been able to work because if I’m not crying, I’m passed out asleep.

He says that he loves me and that he wants me but then he says 4 reasons why he doesn’t want me around and that he needs his ‘him time’ that I’m too codependent and need to give him more space. I work from home and my social circle is not very big, he is the only person I see most days. I’m not perfect or guilt free but I am hurt beyond belief and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m flying to my support system in a few weeks and can’t go any sooner or I would. We’ve been together for so long and I do love him so much but I don’t trust him because of how many times he has been dishonest with me in the past (stealing alcohol from family and lying about it, lying about where he was and why, talking to other people and trying to hide it...) and now with this rant about wanting me but not wanting me- I just don’t know how to feel. Help

#relationship advice #girl help #marriage #tw depressing stuff #depression #advice wanted

1 note · View note

corrieluscardiology · 1 year

Text

Are you ‘hangry’? Or is it just an excuse?

Craving a substantial meal or an endless supply of your preferred snack is one thing. It's another thing to be so hungry that you snap at the slightest inconvenience. This distinguishes between hunger and "hangry," a clever mashup of "hungry" and "angry." Whether you've personally gone through it or not, you probably know someone who has. But is it a physiological phenomenon, or is it simply a more sophisticated form of weeping for your bottle?

The biological basis of hanger According to gastroenterologist Christine Lee, MD, "There is a physiological explanation why some people get angry when they're hungry." She says, "The level of sugar (glucose) in your blood falls after you haven't eaten for a while. When your blood sugar levels go too low, a series of hormones are released, including the stress hormone cortisol and the adrenaline (the fight-or-flight hormone). To increase and stabilize your blood sugar, these hormones are released into your system. So why do I feel so hungry all the time? According to Dr. Lee, the release of cortisol might make certain people aggressive. Low blood sugar may also affect higher brain functions, including those that aid in impulse control and the regulation of our instinctive drives and behavior. So, there is a medical reason for being agitated. It's a physiological response brought on by low blood sugar; it's not the same as getting cranky when you're exhausted, ill, or otherwise unwell. Why do some people become agitated when they are simply hungry? According to Dr. Lee, those who have difficulty with impulse control or anger management may be more prone to developing hunger. It is uncertain, though, whether having a personality feature issue and having frequent hangers are related. Doctors claim that hunger has more harmful effects than just anger. If hunger doesn't make you angry, it might make you experience one of the following:

a.) Fatigue. b.) Sleepiness. c.) Difficulties focusing. d.) A lack of cooperation

When hanger becomes an issue? According to Experts, getting so hungry that you become agitated is not always a sign of health problems. "You shouldn't worry about an occasional bout of extreme hunger if you're generally healthy." People with other health issues, however, should take precautions to avoid hangers. That covers people who are taking any medications, have health issues, and are underweight or malnourished. Experts say that those who have metabolic stressors such as diabetes, pancreas or liver problems, or adrenal insufficiency syndromes are especially vulnerable to complications or negative effects of low blood sugar because their bodies are unable to adequately counteract the stress. How do we relieve hanger? Take the following actions to manage or avoid being hangry if you are prone to it: a.)Regular exercise b.)Get lots of rest. c.)Remain hydrated. d.)Eat multiple small meals throughout the day, or make breakfast, lunch, and dinner satiating and nutritious. e.)Avoid junk food since it can lead to a second sugar crash after causing the initial sugar spike. f.)The finest foods are nutrient-dense, high in fiber, and prolong your sensation of fullness. g.)Have healthy snacks available. If you're concerned that a hanger might appear while you're away from home, a few quick snacks stashed in your desk, car, or purse might provide peace of mind. A word from the team — Even while we may not always be in control of when we become hangry, knowing why it occurs and what we can do to lessen it will help us regulate our irritability the next time our stomachs start rumbling. Get in touch with Corrielus Cardiology right away if you require additional assistance with your health and wellness.

Source: Are you ‘hangry’? Or is it just an excuse?

#HealthandWellness #CardiologyConsultation #Cardiologist #CorrielusCardiology

0 notes

vixulla · 2 years

Text

TW: Neglect, medical issues, forced dependency

I really need to vent somewhere.

It’s been four years since I took driver’s ed. I tried to get my mom to send in for my permit but she didn’t, and then I could no longer drive with my certificate because it was expired. When she finally did send in, my permit expired like a month later because she had waited so long. I’m on my second permit now and trying to get her to send in for my license (she claims she needs to “look it over” before just driving down to the post office and putting it in the fucking outgoing mail) and she has not done it yet. She’s been saying she’ll do it for weeks.

I can’t trust her with my medical issues. When I was like 12 I got my first yeast infection and told her about it, and she said she’d get me something at the store for it, and then she just??? I don’t know, fucking forgot???? And it was so hard to tell her in the first place (I didn’t even tell her when I started my period) that it took me months to work up the courage to do it again. I’ve gotten several more yeast infections since then and I’ve gone around her and made it to the doctor’s but I’m gonna have to get on something permanent because I seem pretty prone to them.

But who knows when that’s going to happen? I told her my lymph nodes were swollen when I was in my freshman year of high school, and I was worried about a potential tooth infection or something because my mouth, jaw, teeth, and throat were in pain. She didn’t take me to the doctor until my freshman year of college. When we got there the nurse said I hadn’t been there for seven years.

Seven years without once going to the doctor for even a checkup.

I think I had maybe one dentist appointment after that, where they told me I had TMJ and a cavity. I haven’t been back since. That cavity has spread. That was about three years ago.

When I was around 13, 7 years ago, I had one trip to the orthodontist where they laid out a plan to get my jaw and teeth sorted out so that I could lessen the pain and have a nicer smile. They also told me two of my fillings needed to be removed, which have been causing me pain since I got them filled sometime before the orthodontist’s appointment. I haven’t been back, and those two teeth are still in there hurting me.

My wisdom tooth is also coming in in pieces. It’s not an issue yet, but it probably will be, and when it is…??

I recently told her about the bunion in my foot (meaning the bones moved out of place and are causing me pain). She didn’t even respond to my message. I’m still trying to get to the dentist, and I’m just doing the best I can to deal with this yeast infection. Who knows, maybe that’s not even what it is.

I’ve also been trying to get her to help me open a checking account, because right now all I have is savings. That’s not happening either.

I am 20 years old. I don’t have a license or a car. Soon I won’t have healthcare, which I guess doesn’t even matter because I’ve never gotten health care. My body is fucking broken, and I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with my brain too, but I would never say that to her because there’s no way in hell she’d believe me. I need mental health services badly, but there’s no way I’d ever tell her that either. I’m 20 years old and I’m not in control of my own finances, I don’t have a debit or credit card, I don’t have any friends, the trauma is just piling up, and I’m in pain. At this point, I’m convinced she’s doing it on purpose.

#vent #neglect #mental health

0 notes

devildomdisaster · 3 years

Note

I’d like to request a body switching scenario with [Satan, Asmo, Beelz, Solomon, Simeon] and an Gender Neutral MC with undisclosed chronic health issues. Like brittle bones that break if you step a little goofy, stress ulcers, sensitivity to light, joint pain, poor stamina, etc. I just want to see the boys go “You live like this?!”

Satan:

Satan has a habit of collecting rare magical objects. Somehow quite a few of these cause body-switching incidents.

The cursed object causes the two of you to lose consciousness for a few minutes. When he wakes up he is in immediate pain.

His first thought is that the spell must have caused this and you must be in pain too! If he, a demon, is in this much pain it must be excruciating for a human.

He rushes to you or tries to. But falls to his knees in shock as a shooting pain runs through him.

He blinks watering eyes and sees his body stirring on the floor and realizes you’ve switched bodies.

You sit up feeling better than you’ve felt in years. Wondering if this is ‘normal’ or if that cursed object gave you super healing.

It’s only when you hear your own voice calling your name that you realize you and Satan have switched bodies.

You can see the tears in his(your body's) eyes and know exactly what's happening. You’ve had chronic pain for years. And Satan is sitting in just the right way to send shooting pain up your spine.

“Lay down on your back,” you order him. He has just enough control to follow your order and lower your body down slowly.

You can see Satan’s relief on your face as the pain eases slightly. It takes a moment for the worst of the pain to subside and his breath to even out.

He’s staring at the ceiling when he speaks, voice still a little shaky, “You live like this?”

You hum out a yes.

“All- all the time?” he asks, horrified.

“Sometimes it's worse than others. If I move or sit in certain ways it gets real bad. But if I avoid those movements it’s bearable.”

Satan turns to you “This is what you call bearable?!”

You shrug, “That position is usually pretty safe. So yeah probably.”

He is careful to move your body a little as possible as he shifts to point at a spellbook. “That book-”

“Are you going to change us back?” you ask.

“I-” he hesitates. Clearly not wanting you to be in pain again.

“Look, Satan it’s not that I don’t enjoy being pain-free. But I’ve dealt with it for years now. I’ve learned how to function around it. I had to. You on the other hand are going to be laying on the floor for most of the day if you stay in my body.”

“I’m going to find a way to fix you.” He says firmly as you place the book in his hands.

“Promises, promise,” you sing, preparing yourself to experience the pain in your body again.

“I mean it. As soon as I can move again I am going to find a way to help you. Devildom magic has to be better than human medicine.”

Asmo:

Asmo bought you matching bracelets. “Look Mc, I bought us these bracelets! They are supposed to bring us closer together!”

Well, they did bring you closer together. Just not in the way Asmo intended.

When he clasped the bracelets on, you felt a shiver go down your spine and when you opened your eyes you felt...different. Better. There was no aching pain. For once the dazzling lights of Asmo’s room didn’t cause you to wince. That's when you realize you’ve switched bodies.

Asmo on the other hand immediately cringed and squeezed his eyes closed, clutching his(your) head.

Asmo groaned pitifully, teary eyes squinting at you “Mc, how do you do anything like this??”

He curls up beneath his covers, and you make your way around his room turning off all the lights and closing his curtains. Once the light is gone, Asmo peers out from beneath the covers, “Do you live like this all the time?”

“Mostly, yeah.”

“No wonder your room is so dark. I thought you were just being dramatic.”

You shrug at him, “The Devildom is better than the human realm. There’s no bright sunlight here.”

Once the spell wears off, Asmo keeps the bracelet on both as a reminder of how you live with this chronic illness and as the intended purpose of showing how close the two of you are.

He buys you super dark glasses to try and filter out some of the bright light that bothers you.

and asks Solomon to help him find any magical treatments that might help you.

Beel:

Beel and you switch bodies after eating some of Solomon’s cooking.

Neither of you wants to eat Solomon’s cooking, but you had the misfortune to be the only two people who couldn’t find an excuse to get out of it.

Beel doesn’t know how it happened, Solomon doesn’t know how it happened, you sure as hell don’t know how this happened. But here you are with a strange magic ‘cake’ in hand, looking at your body from Beel’s eyes.

Your first thought is how strong you feel in Beel’s body. Like you could do anything. The exhaustion and joint pain you normally deal with is gone.

Is this how normal people live? Although you suppose a demon doesn’t count as a normal human, so it’s not such a good comparison.

You watch as Beel catches himself on the counter as he adjusts to the symptoms of your illness.

He lowers your body to the ground. Sitting gingerly as the movement causes the joint pain to flare.

“Mc, is this how you feel every day?” He is so so concerned about you! How do you function if you feel like this all the time? “Why haven’t you told anyone about this?”

“It’s ok, Beel. I’ve figured out how to deal with it.”

“It is not ok. Mc, we could have helped you!”

It’s strange to be lectured by your own voice and body. But Beel does a good job of it. He insists that you have to tell him when your symptoms act up and convinces you to let him speak with Lucifer about trying some magical treatments.

The potion doesn’t wear off for several hours. You feel a tad bit guilty about enjoying this when Beel is so obviously suffering, but you can’t remember the last time you felt so good. So capable.

Once the spell wears off Beel insists on carrying you around so you aren't as fatigued and to avoid aggravating your joint pain.

Be prepared for trying a string of different potions and spells to treat your illness, under the watchful eyes of Beel and Lucifer.

Solomon:

After hearing about Lucifer and Satan’s body-switching incident Solomon went looking for another cursed book.

He’d heard some rumor about Satan’s book having a twin and was determined to find it.

And find it he did.

You accidentally touched the book at the same time as him and switched bodies.

Solomon is more intrigued than anything else. “Do you live like this all the time? If so, you do a remarkable job of hiding it.”

He is going to test the limits of your body’s capabilities. He wants to know what situations cause pain or discomfort so that you can’t pretend to be ok when you aren’t.

You’ll have to warn him if he is doing anything that might permanently harm your body.

Unlike some of the others, Solomon doesn’t immediately look for a way to switch back.

When the spell wears off Solomon has a near-complete understanding of your condition. He knows what causes pain, what doesn’t, and what situations you should absolutely avoid.

“Mc, you need to stop pretending you are ok when you’re not. I’ll be here to help you when you need it. And if that help happens to be stopping you from doing foolish things to save face then so be it.”

Solomon keeps a close eye on you from now on. He respects you enough to not tell anyone about your condition if you don’t want him to, but he will also come up with the strangest excuses to remove you from activities he knows will aggravate your condition.

If there is magic that can be used to help you Solomon will find it. Just be prepared to feel a little bit like a lab rat while he figures out the perfect spell or potion to help you.

Simeon:

Simeon wants to know what it feels like to be human. He thinks it would give him a greater understanding of humanity.

He mentions this to Solomon, who being the chaos loving wizard he is, makes a potion to allow Simeon to switch bodies with you.

The problem occurs when Solomon 'forgets’ to tell you both that he’s already put the potion in your tea.

Simeon is shocked. He finds himself in your body. Looking at himself through your eyes. And by god does your body hurt!

“Mc, I’m dreadfully sorry, but I think Solomon’s little joke may have gone wrong. I-everything hurts.”

You blink at Simeon...er Simeon in your body. Mind taking a moment to catch up with the sudden body switch. You feel great. Part of that might be due to being in an angel's body, but mostly it's due to the lack of pain.

“Oh, everything's fine on my end. So it must be my chronic pain. It’s worse today than others.”

“Wh-what do you do when it’s bad?”

“Usually I try to distract myself. Or try to take a nap and hope I wake up feeling better. But we’d made plans and I didn’t want to cancel so…”

“So you decided to deal with extra pain for my sake? Oh, Mc. You should have told me you live like this. I can help”

“There’s no point, Simeon. Not a single doctor I’ve been to has found anything wrong with me. I didn’t want anyone here to pity me.”

“I am an angel, Mc. I’m quite sure I can do a bit more than your human doctors.”

You help Simeon to his room where you spend the afternoon watching human world movies to help distract him.

Simeon sleeps fitfully next to you and as you drift off you wonder if that is how you always look when you let your guard down enough to show your pain.

When the potion wears off you are both asleep, curled up next to each other.

When you wake up you are back in your own body. Simeon is sitting next to you slipping a charmed bracelet onto your wrist. “This is from the Celestial realm. It should help keep your pain at a more manageable level until I can find a more permanent solution.”

#obey me x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #obey me satan #satan x mc #obey me x mc #obey me x gender neutral reader #asmo x mc #asmo x reader #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me beel x mc #beel x mc #obey me solomon x mc #obey me solomon #obey me simeon x mc #obey me simeon x reader

795 notes · View notes

andreafmn · 3 years

Text

Collision - Chapter 5

image from google; please ignore that it's Esme 😅

Word Count: 3,960

Story Description: (Y/N) Uley is back home after being away for four years. Her life at its first standstill and she is taking this time to find out who she is without school. But she never thought that coming back to the reservation would turn her whole life around. In the midst of secrets and mystery, a man crashes into (Y/N)’s and her life will never be the same.

*DISCLAIMER* I do not own in any way Twilight, all credits of the pre-established characters, script, and storyline belong to Stephanie Meyer and Summit Entertainment. The only thing I own is Uley Reader insert, any upcoming characters, and her storyline, as well as her effects in the others’ story line.

Chapter: 5/?

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a bit. Working on my business and some health issue, but hopefully I will post a bit more regularly. If you enjoy my writing I’ll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories. You can request at any time any story or one shot you desire. Hope you enjoy and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

TikTok • Instagram • Business

<- Previous | Next ->

Chapter 5

Carlisle couldn’t believe that (Y/N) had been the first one to take a step forward. He was still working when his phone had vibrated in his pocket. He only stopped to look at it once he was done with the page he was holding at the moment. When (Y/N)’s name popped up on the screen, a smile painted on his face. It was a short conversation, but the blank page on his planner for Sunday now had an important activity at five-thirty. He felt nerves building up in the pit of his belly, anticipation building inside of him. A day and a half stood between him and seeing (Y/N) again.

The emotions he was experiencing treaded on thin water. No matter how much he wanted to be next to her, there would always be a treaty standing in the way. Unlike Edward and Bella, (Y/N) lived in LaPush and was under close watch by the alpha of the Quileute tribe. Although his son’s relationship with the human from Forks was forbidden, it was a tad more manageable than whatever he was discovering with the sister of a shapeshifter.

He ran his hands through his golden hair and let out a sigh of defeat. There wasn’t much left to do at the office, so he packed everything up and headed home. He was not ready for whatever interrogation was waiting for him back at the house. Carlisle had yet to go home that week, deciding to stay as close to (Y/N) as he possibly could. He would rest in his office, pretending to sleep as to not raise suspicion from his coworkers. No one questioned as to why the doctor had not gone home, it had been a busy week and he was the best doctor they had.

Carlisle put his car in park and stared at his front door— Alice would be behind the door, a million questions about (Y/N) would be asked, none to which he’d have the answer to. He grabbed his briefcase and braced himself. Before his hand could reach for the door handle, it opened.

“Hi, Carlisle!” Alice perked. Her face was lit up with a giant grin and her eyes held a playful stare. She didn’t need Edward’s mind-reading powers to know what he had been up to that week. “How was your week?”

“Tiring, Alice. I’d really just like some peace and quiet.”

“Edward?”

“He’d rather be back in his office, reading with (Y/N),” Edward chuckled from behind a book. “No other advancements in the relationship. But they do have a date on Sunday.”

“A date?! Oh, that’s wonderful, Carlisle.”

“It is, and Edward, you know I don’t appreciate you reading my mind to divulge private information,” he smiled. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to my office.”

Thankfully, Alice had left him alone and he was able to decompress in his office. He had grown accustomed to the books he had collected over the years, but seeing (Y/N) fawn over them awakened his love for them once more. His golden eyes scoured through all the spines and a smile was painted on his face. He reminisced on the first time (Y/N) came into his office. She had been uncertain about going in, knowing the important work he was doing; she didn’t want to become a distraction, she had said. The girl didn’t know that even in absence, she was his biggest distraction.

“Come in.” A knock on the door had captivated Carlisle’s attention and broke his train of thought. “Oh, good evening, Esme.”

“That girl really has a pull on you, huh?” She grinned. “I haven’t seen you smile this big in a long time.”

“She’s truly something special.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for pursuing happiness, Carlisle.” Esme smiled. Through the years she had come to know Carlisle in a deeper level, being able to read his silence and know his thoughts without having to read his mind. “It’s been long enough.”

“I just do not believe that I should delve into the risk of being with her for my own happiness. I must think of the family and how our relationship could affect your safety,” he sighed. “It’s selfish.”

“Carlisle, after a century of loneliness, no one will judge you for being selfish this one time.” The forever 26-year-old rested her hand on the doctor’s shoulder, a reassuring energy being transferred from it. “You deserve to explore this relationship for yourself, we’re all big enough to take care of ourselves. And if what Alice sees is true, this is destined to happen. Allow yourself to have something good in your life.”

“I can’t say that I won’t have my doubts about it, but I can tell you I will try my best to enjoy whatever this may be.”

They both shared a smile just before Esme left the room, leaving Carlisle alone with his thoughts. His heart and his brain were in dangerous turmoil, debating on choosing possible happiness or ensuring the treaty was preserved. They were already crossing a line by allowing Edward and Bella to have a relationship. But he would give himself permission to see where this adventure with (Y/N) Uley would take him.

Saturday flew by quickly since (Y/N) spent most of the day in and out of sleep. Her mother had not allowed her to do anything else. Following Dr. Cullen’s instructions, Allison limited her time in front of the tv and computer, closed all the curtains in the house to minimize her exposure to bright lights, made sure she was well hydrated while she was awake, fed her protein centered foods accompanied with other with antioxidants and rich in omega-3s, and a lot of rest. She had not left her room since she had gotten home Friday night. But (Y/N) had made sure to tell her mother that she had an important meeting on Sunday.

It took a long time to convince Allison to let her daughter go, agreeing to at least driving her up to Forks so she could meet up with her school friend. (Y/N) had decided to lie about her meeting with Carlisle, opting to tell her she was meeting up with a schoolmate that had graduated a year before her. Her mother had questioned why this friend couldn’t pick her up from her house, but somehow (Y/N) had been able to convince her mother that her friend was spending time with their family in Forks and was on a tight schedule to not miss a flight back home. Truly, she didn’t want Carlisle to risk crossing the treaty their ancestors had made, knowing the importance the elders held to it. Carlisle had agreed to meet her at the Art Center in Forks and return her there once they were done to the same place, only leaving after her mother would pick her up.

On Sunday morning, she woke up earlier than she had intended. (Y/N) had passed the night tossing and turning, nerves running through her veins for the encounter she’d have to endure in the afternoon. As excited as she was to see Carlisle again, she couldn’t help but feel anxious about the time they would spend together alone. The past five days had been comfortable and exciting, getting to know each other a welcome activity they had partaken in, but that was seen in a friendly light. Now she was looking at him in a way she had not looked at anyone else. (Y/N) wanted nothing more at the moment than to have Carlisle look at her in the same way, and today would be a testament to whether their relationship would take that route or not.

“Morning, mom!” (Y/N) perked as she walked down the stairs following the smell of breakfast coming from the kitchen.

“Good morning, darling.” Allison had her back turned to her daughter, plating the eggs she had just finished cooking. “Sit down, breakfast is almost done.”

“Smells good,” she sat. A few more seconds, Allison turned and placed two plates on the table for the pair.

“So, you excited for today?” (Y/N) nodded, not wanting to give away too much information. “I know I won’t be able to meet this school friend but tell me more about her. How long have you guys been friends? You haven’t said much about this mystery person.”

“Um, we met in my junior year, she was a senior at the time, and we’ve kept in close contact. She has some family in Forks and since we haven’t seen each other in a bit she invited me to go out for a bit. Her time’s a bit short cause she had a flight tonight so I’m sorry you won’t get to meet her.”

“Oh, and what’s her name?”

“Um,” (Y/N) had to think quickly on a pretend name for this fake friend. “Carine. Maybe next time she’s around you can meet her.”

“That’d be great, honey! I’d be delighted to meet this friend of yours. I’m sad that I have to work this afternoon, it’d be fun to finally meet someone from the time you were in school. You never talked about friends or anything back then.”

“I know, it seemed like the most boring part of my life when I was in school.” She chuckled dryly, hiding the truth behind her laughter.

“But I hope you have a good time there. Let me know as soon as you guys leave Port Angeles, so I know when to leave, alright?”

“Of course,” (Y/N) smiled. “Thanks, mom.”

“Any time, honey.”

After breakfast, (Y/N) cleaned all the used dishes and pans before going to her room to get ready with enough time to overthink her outfit and review talking topics in her head. As the time arrived to leave the house, her bed was covered in various items of clothing, her floor littered with shoes, all her jewelry scattered across her desk. Her hair had been braided and she had applied the slightest bit of makeup to cover any blemishes she didn’t want to be seen, a bit of mascara, and enough highlight to make her look awake and glowing. Rare was the time she did herself up like this, but she wanted to look her absolute best for her encounter with Carlisle – even if he had already seen her at her worst.

“You’ve always looked so pretty in red you know.” (Y/N) jumped slightly at the sound of her mother’s voice. “I think this is the one.”

“That’s perfect!” (Y/N) turned around and smiled at the piece of fabric her mother was holding in her hands. Taking it from her hands, Allison smiled at her daughter, her happiness being so contagious.

“Are you sure you’re just seeing a friend, (Y/N)?” Allison mused, a playful grin teasing her lips.

“Yes, mother. Just a friend.”

“Okay, honey,” she laughed. “Now, hurry up. It’s almost four.”

“Thanks, mom. I’ll be down in a sec.”

(Y/N) worked quickly to finish getting dressed, opting for a mix of silver and gold jewelry to accompany the red clothing she was sporting. She decided on some black boots to cover her feet. Although it was summer, Washington was still quite cold. Pairing her outfit with a black leather jacket, she sprung down the stairs with a bag on her back, finding her mother already waiting for her by the door.

“You look beautiful, darling.” Allison smiled, amazed at how much her daughter had grown up. It had only been four years, but so much had changed in that small amount of time. Allison had lost a son, and her relationship with her daughter was close to none. But her daughter was here now, and there’s nothing she wouldn’t do to keep her close.

“Thanks, mom.”

The pair walked outside, getting into the car to drive to Forks. It was only a twenty-minute car ride, but the whole way (Y/N)’s hands felt clammy, and her heart was beating quickly. She tried her best to hide her nerves from the figure next to her, but every time Allison would steal a glance at the passenger side, she noted her daughter’s feelings. She did well not to draw attention to it, knowing it would do no good to her child. Deep down she knew (Y/N) wasn’t meeting up with just a friend.

“Call me as soon as you leave Port Angeles, okay?”

“I will, mom. I promise,” (Y/N) smiled. “Drive safe. Love you.”

“Love you, too. Have fun.”

(Y/N) watched as her mother’s car drove away, leaving a trail of car smoke behind it. She sat on a bench, waiting for Carlisle to arrive. And with every second that passed, her anxiety rose. Every time (Y/N) looked at her watch, she felt the time was getting closer but no sign of the blond. Before she knew it, 4:30 had arrived. She was starting to feel nervous about the possibility of a stand-up. Her first date had been ruined before it had begun.

In the Cullen household, Carlisle was running around exasperated. Alice had been berating him over and over about what he was wearing, what car he should take, what excuse to say on why he wasn’t eating that seemed human enough – things Carlisle had already known.

“Alice, thank you for everything, but I’m already late. What will she think if I don’t show up soon?”

“Oh, I’m just so excited, Carlisle. I’m glad you’re doing something for yourself.”

“Thank you, Alice. But if you don’t let me leave it will all be for naught.”

“Yes, yes! Go. Have fun!”

Alice waved at the retreating black Mercedes that was leaving the house, smiling at her father figure, the thought of his future only bringing her happiness.

On the bench, (Y/N) sat growing angsty. Carlisle wasn’t late by much, just a couple of minutes, but he didn’t strike her as someone that was tardy. She was starting to believe that maybe he was married, and he had been caught by his wife trying to leave. The breath hitched in her throat and tears were stinging the corners of her eyes. She fidgeted with her hands and followed with her eyes every car that passed in front of her on the street, none being Carlisle’s.

It was 4:50 when a black car stopped in front of the art center, the driver’s window rolling down. She felt her lungs finally fill back with air when she saw the pearly white smile she had been thinking of.

“Sorry for the tardiness, I’m normally early.” Carlisle got out of the car and opened the passenger door for her. “I hope you can forgive me for this.”

“No worries, I understand,” (Y/N) smiled. The jittery nervousness was back, but that underlying feeling that he was hiding something from her was still there. Pushing her intrusive thoughts back, she got in the car and waited for Carlisle to get in.

The first few minutes of the ride were silent, only the soft humming of the A/C and the music from the radio were heard. The silence was comfortable, his presence having a calming effect on her. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel to the beat of the song, not sure what to say. They were both too nervous to be the first ones to speak up.

“How have you been feeling these past few days?” The doctor in him couldn’t help but shine through to start a conversation.”

“I’ve been feeling okay, my mom won’t let me do anything other than what you recommended. It’s been quite boring, to say the least,” she chuckled. “Nothing like spending time in your office.”

“Can’t say I didn’t miss you there on Saturday. Kept looking up at the door waiting for you to come in at any point.” He smiled brightly, still looking at the road in front of him. “It was fun having you around.”

“It was fun being around. I think I might enjoy actually working there.”

“I would hope so.” His laugh was like music to her ears, as sweet as honey. He gleamed as he smiled, it was almost like she could see shimmer emanating from him. “You’re always welcome to come around whenever you like. As I said at the hospital, my door is always open.”

“Thank you, Carlisle. I truly appreciate that.”

It didn’t take long before they were at the restaurant. Although they did almost miss the reservation, Carlisle’s fast driving made sure they got there during the tardy window they had for their table.

Once they were settled at their table, they were finally able to stare into each other’s eyes. It had been such a short amount of time but there was adoration shining in their pupils. Anyone that saw them would think they were a couple with several years of love between them. (Y/N) believed everything was happening quickly too. The way she had become so infatuated with the man she had just met two weeks ago – she barely knew his name, but she felt so deeply for him.

(Y/N) wasn’t the only one who felt such strong feelings. Carlisle was feeling like a schoolboy in love, willing to ignore his instincts to have even just an inch of closeness to (Y/N). In two weeks, he had grown captivated by her, in a way he had hoped to be when meeting Esme – who in a century of being together had only grown to be his friend. But with every beautiful thought he had of (Y/N), he couldn’t help but think of everything standing in the way of their happiness. Even if they got together and revealed feelings for each other, they still had to overpass the treaty, the supernatural secret, and the dangers that might arise from their closeness.

“You’re not eating?” (Y/N) questioned, eyeing the plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of her.

“I had a heavy lunch,” he reassured. “I’m still full of that, but you enjoy. Don’t worry about me.”

“You could have said something, though. I could’ve eaten at home, and we could be doing something else. It’s not very entertaining to watch someone eat.”

“I don’t mind.” She raised her eyebrow. “Truly. We can go get ice cream when you’re done so you can feel at ease of eating here.”

“Alright, that’s a deal.”

They engaged in small conversation before (Y/N) was done with her meal. There was a small ice cream shop near the restaurant where they both got a cone. The afternoon was comfortable, and a walk seemed good enough.

“Does this ease your worries of being the only one eating?”

“A tad, but next time you have to eat also. Or we should do something we can both enjoy.”

“So, I have a chance to do this a next time?” She grinned before taking a lick from the ice cream she held. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Well, I’m definitely not saying no.”

The sun had started to go down and, through the fog, the sky was turning a beautiful orange and pink hue. It was truly something out of a movie. As they walked down the strip, their hands danced around each other. Inching closer and closer, not daring to touch without permission. They both felt the closeness of their hands, neither responding to the calling of proximity they were yearning.

“Can I…” They both spoke up at the same time, a laugh interjecting the rest of their questions.

“Go ahead,” she chuckled.

“I was just wondering if I could hold your hand.”

“Funny, I was wondering the same.” They both smiled at each other, inching their hands quickly together.

A spark was exchanged through their skin, his coldness instantly perceived by her warmer skin. (Y/N) attributed the cold temperature to the ice cream he had been holding, not caring about the difference in degrees – it felt comforting in a way for her. (Y/N) smiled up at Carlisle and got closer to him, enjoying the cone in her hand and the presence of the man beside her.

Carlisle was surprised that she didn’t recoil when she felt his hand in hers, she seemed to actually enjoy the small act of intimacy. He was overjoyed that (Y/N) was reciprocating the feelings he was experiencing, but he could sense a bit of doubt in her.

“Is something the matter, (Y/N)?”

“What do you mean?” (Y/N) looked up at Carlisle, wondering if he could read her mind.

“It seems something might be troubling you.”

“It’s nothing to worry about, Carlisle. Don’t worry.”

“But I can see it’s bothering you.” Carlisle was now standing in front of her, his cone already discarded, and placed his free hand on her cheek. “You can tell me anything, (Y/N).”

“Alright,” she leaned into his touch before grabbing both his hands in hers. “There is something that I have been questioning.”

“What is it?”

“My mother commented on something the other day. Apparently, there’s talk that you’re married and have kids already with this person. And, as much as I like you, I would not enjoy being put into the position of being the other woman.” Although (Y/N) had gathered the courage to voice her worries, she was not able to look into his eyes when she spoke these words. She was putting everything on the table, and she didn’t know how he would take it.

“(Y/N), I can assure you now and forever I would never put you in a position where you’d have to go against what you believe. And this will not be the exception.” He lifted her chin and held her stare so she would trust in the words he was declaring. “I am not married, and I have never been. I adopted 5 teenagers with my best friend and people just assume that we are a couple. I am tremendously infatuated with you, (Y/N), and I wouldn’t want anything to come between whatever could flourish between us. I hope you can trust that all I’ve said is nothing but the truth.”

“I do, Carlisle,” she smiled. “I don’t believe there’s any reason for you to lie to me, and I appreciate your honesty. I’m excited to see what will become of us.”

“You truly are something special, (Y/N) Uley.” A smile painted onto his face as his eyes flickered from her eyes to her lips, wanting nothing more than to seal that statement with a kiss.

“As are you, Carlisle Cullen.” The man would not wait long before their lips first made contact.

(Y/N) stood on her tiptoes and balanced herself holding onto one of Carlisle’s arms, closing the gap between them – Carlisle lowered his head to meet her halfway. Electricity rang through their bodies, feeling a ripple in time where pieces of a puzzle had finally fallen into place. Their lips both curled into a smile, and Carlisle’s hand landed on (Y/N)’s neck to deepen the kiss.

The girl wasn’t sure if she was dreaming -- this being a strange fever dream had crossed her mind. But being able to touch him and be as close as she was now told her that she wasn’t.

On the other hand, as happy as he was, Carlisle couldn’t help but feel guilty. Nothing stopped the thought that he could be putting his family in danger, or worse, (Y/N). He knew just by having her be associated with the Cullen clan she would have a target on her back, and if the Quileute tribe found out of their relationship it could be grounds for the dissolution of the treaty. Carlisle would never forgive himself if he did anything to jeopardize the lives of the people he most cared for. But for now, he would allow himself to enjoy the moment and take everything as it developed.

Tag List: @daniallh @catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @imaginetwilight2704 @jessicas-undrground @hey-you-therexo @mauvette268 @mxyee @beefwhobarksandisalilmadalot @abelbai000 @witchy-obeyme-freak @ridiculous-creature

489 notes · View notes

tendousthoughts · 3 years

Text

HQ Boys Thinking Their S/O Left Them Pt. 3

Character(s) included: Oikawa & Kyoutani

Requested by: @chibiiichann

Warning(s): Cursing, Mention of bullying [Oikawa], Mention of flinching [Kyoutani], Hints towards readers tough past [Kyoutani]

Song of the day: Trees II by McCfferty

A/N: First off thanks for 200- I know I said it a lot but I’m just so glad! Next, many of you haven’t seen but I have updated a few things. One of the biggest being my name I go by. At the moment I’m trying out Xic. I also noted my pronouns and stuff. Which you can all find on my announcements post. Now back to some more ‘important’ things [though this is important, this is not why you came here!]. Sorry about the long wait for part three! Please read through the warnings again to make sure everything is okay. Thank you for everything. Bye!

Where to find all the parts!

Where to find all my content!

Tag(s): @chibiiichann & @corporeal-terrestrial

Oikawa

He was at it again. Working late nights and shit. You were happy for him. You were. Of course you were. He was back doing what he loved. He was back playing volleyball. With that happiness also came fear and worry. You knew how he was. Everyone who ever met him, knew how he was. He over worked himself. He always did and scared you. No matter how hard he tried not to. He pushed himself past his limits. Even after the doctor already told him, if he didn’t ease up on the practice, his knee would get even worse. But he was Oikawa Tōru. Determined and intelligent.

It was ten thirty and he already missed your date. Which you expected to happen, but it still kind of hurt. You tried calling for the fifth time that night, but you were met with the same thing. After a few rings it went to voicemail.

“Hey! You’ve reached the voicemail of Oikawa Tōru, thank you for calling! At the moment I’m busy but I promise after I’m done I’ll call you back. If you want, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Byeee!”

You waited all night for him to come home around twelve thirty. He looked tired. Extremely tired and to be honest that pissed you off more. Not only did he not respond but he over worked himself again, and when he woke up the next night sore, you were the one who would have to take care of him.

Instead of bringing it up you waited for the morning. Not wanting to have this conversation while he was tired. It would feel like you were talking to yourself, and he wouldn’t understand. So you went to bed with him and by the morning he was already up before you.

You went to the kitchen to find him shuffling through your medication bin. “Are you sore?” You ask, looking at him.

“I’ll be fine, I just need breakfast and some medicine,” he muttered. He couldn’t have cared less. At least that’s what it looked like. He didn’t even spare you a glance.

“Maybe you should listen. You know, lay off volleyball practice for a day or something. Try to lesson the hours and stuff..” You looked back at him for his reaction.

“Can’t. If I ease up I’ll never be able to catch up.” He finally looked to you now, finding the medicine.

“I mean I think you will be fine. It is taking over your whole life and stuff so I just don’t want it to be a bigger issue. Like you know.. with your knees and stuff.” Your eyes are pinned on him.

“I told you not to worry about my knee, and it’s not taking up my life okay? It has and will always be my life. It’s the only thing I’m good at. So no, I'm not going to take a break.” He snapped at you. Which caught you off guard.

“It is… It is taking up your life,” you replied which made his face change.

“You don’t understand how it is like me. You don’t! I understand you don’t have anything you're good at and shit. But you have to understand that I actually have goals in life okay? You have to understand that my fucking life won’t revolve around you and how you feel when I do something. It won’t and never will. You and I are together because I feel like having you around. Because you know what, volleyball is the only thing that distracts me from leaving. Volleyball is the only thing I can do to escape you!” He screamed.

It takes a few seconds for the weight of his words to sink into your skin. But here’s the thing. You knew what you were up against when you started dating him. He just lit a fuse in you. A spark that made an explosion of feelings hit you. When it did you couldn’t control your words. “After all that practice I wondered why you never made it to nationals. I mean seriously. You need a distraction from me, right? Your always doing it, and get you can’t even fucking get to nationals. Not only that but I can see why your last girlfriend left you. You're a dick. You can’t remember a fucking date. A fucking date we have been planning for weeks. Oh wait, let me correct that, a date I’ve been planning for weeks. Not only that but I took my fucking time to work around your schedule. For you not to even send a message.” You spat out. You looked down at him, “I wonder sometimes if everyone was right. You and me. Never belonged. I’m just a distraction from such a ‘handsome’ and ‘kind’ person.”

He looked hurt at first, but then again he started it and intended to finish it. “I can see why your whole family doesn’t talk to you. You always think you're the best or something. Maybe I remembered the date. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe I didn’t wanna hangout with you. Maybe I didn’t want to hear you nagging me every fucking second. You know what? I can see why people fucking hate you. Bully you and shit. Your such a fucking selfish freak.”

“What..?” You looked at him. You told him you were bullied, because you thought of him as your safe space. You thought of him as the only person who understood you. You felt safe when he was around you. You felt understood. To use that against you. To say you deserved it. To say you deserved to get hurt. To get shamed. To get everything that happened to you… it was your fault?

“What are you too dumb to understand?” He laughed at you. Hatred and venom spilling from his lips. “Awe.. look at the baby. You should be grateful I didn't break up with you. You should be thankful because I’m the only reason you're even someone.”

Tears filled your eyes. “God fucking damn it.” You muttered softly. You weren’t going to allow him to take you down. You were stronger then he would ever understand. “You really think anyone wants to hang out with you..? Do you fucking think anyone find you a good person..? Your just a fucking pretty face, okay? Your nothing compared to anyone else on your team. You might not realize it but to be honest sometimes I do want to be set free. Set free from this shitty relationship okay? That’s the truth. Sometimes I get sick of having to take care of you. When your fucking sore before you over works your self again. I am the only one trying to keep you okay. I’m the only one who actually thinks about the long run. No matter how hard you practice in the end you won’t even be able to walk. Let alone play volleyball and shit. You know what sometimes I get sick of being the only fucking one trying to keep us together.”

“Then maybe you should give up okay. Maybe we should finally go our separate ways. I mean after all, you're too easy.” He was hurt. He just blurted out whatever he thought would hurt you the most. Which fucking worked. Before you had said anything more he had left the room, leaving you stunned.

It took a moment but before you knew it you were out of the house, crying and walking the farthest away from your shared house as you could. “Fuck..” you whisper. Did he really not want to be with you..? You should have known. This relationship wasn’t a relationship. You barely talked. You felt alone. So fucking alone.

It took an hour for him to fully cool down. When he walked out of the room he was expecting you to be waiting for him. He was expecting everything to be okay. When he was met with the emptiness. The emptiness of you being actually gone. He was met with the realization that his words were taken just how he thought he wanted them to be.

You on the other hand we’re at the park blasting music in your ears. Forcing the thoughts to be pushed deep down. Forcing you to forget everything. Everything that hurts you. Maybe it would be best if you guys did go your separate ways..? You knew this wasn’t good for your mental health. But fuck that. This was the only thing that made you feel grounded. Made you feel okay. When he wasn’t with you or practicing he was out with friends, drinking and partying. You couldn’t continue to live like this. So maybe it would be best to let go. To give up on everything and everything you loved… your everything was him. You always argued and at this point you felt sick. Thinking about it just broke you. You had no more tears to cry, with your tear stained cheeks you decided to go back. To your home. It was over. Everything you had built up was coming crashing down.

On his side he was freaking out. He knew he was in the wrong. He knew there was no excuse for what he did to you, but what could he say? You were gone already. It took a bit for him to get to the nerve to call you. To his surprise he heard the sound of your ringing phone. So you left it. Maybe you were going to come back. Maybe you will and then everything will be okay again. Maybe everything would be perfect. It was a small chance but that's all he could hold on to.

When you walked in it was quiet, but there were soft whimpers and cries coming from your shared room. Gently you knocked on the door and waited for a response. You were surprised when you immediately heard a stumble and then were met with a hug. Your shoulder almost immediately feels wet to the touch. “Ba.. Oikawa..?” You muttered.

“Please don’t call me that.. please..” He muttered softly. His face buried deep into your clothes.

You kinda ignored his response. “I came back to get my stuff. I took into consideration what you said and I realized that you don’t deserve to be distracted by me all the time..” You whispered softly. “So like you said earlier.. I think it is best if we stop seeing each other.. entirely because I don’t know if I could let you go otherwise..”

His arms tightened around you, “C..can we please talk about it first.. please..” his nightmare was coming true, and maybe it was dumb but he didn’t realize how much he needed you.

“There’s nothing to talk about.. I don’t understand why you want to make it harder on me. I gave you what you wanted okay..? You can practice your heart out and hangout with your friends and stuff okay? You can finally find someone who will fit all your needs. You and I both know that I will never be what you want. So maybe it would be best if we just let go..”

“No… please no.. that’s not what I want.. I want to make it up to you and be there for you and I want to make you happy and I want everything to be perfect. I know I messed up okay? I don’t deserve you and I don’t know what came over me today because you're everything I’ve ever wanted. I know I don’t deserve it and there’s no excuse for what I said or did… I know I should let you find someone better but I love you. I love you so fucking much. I know I’ve been lacking and I want to make up for it. I want to be someone you want to be around again.. I love you so fucking much okay? I should have been there. I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I know I don’t deserve a second chance but please.. just one more.. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” He didn’t want to let go of everything.

“I’m sorry too.. you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry for everything and that’s why I want to let you go. To find someone who will not hurt you like I hurt you.. You and I both know that I can't resist it. I don’t know why you do this to me.. pull me back.. you have one more chance… Please don’t make me regret it. I really love you but this.. this isn’t going to work if we do what we are doing now okay? We will just tear each other more and more apart..” you whispered gently, kissing his head. Your arms finally meet his back as you hold him. “I’m sorry.. but I’ve got you now baby. I love you so fucking much..”

Kyoutani

Kyoutani was the type of person most people would never understand. Not because they were “difficult” or anything.. they just never took the time too. Well other than you. You were different. You understood his outburst and such. But at the same time you were human. There was only so much you could take. There was only so much you would take.

When he came into the locker room you were already waiting for him. He had been thrown out of the game for fighting with a few people. You knew he was frustrated. You could hear the crowd from a mile away shouting to kick him off. It was harsh. Even for ‘mad dog’ which he hated to be called. He hated to be tied to an animal.. and always being an angry reck. Anybody would. But of course nobody understood other than you. When he sat on the bench you immediately rushed over.

“Baby.. I’m sorry.. You didn’t deserve that.. just ignore them, please. I know it’s hard but their not important okay..?” You we’re just trying to comfort him. But there were times when Kyoutani couldn’t control himself. Like any other person when they get looked down at every fucking moment of their lives. When they are ridiculed and laughed at all the time. When they are nothing more than an angry person.. Sometimes there is nothing more to do than be the person everyone so desperately makes you out to be.

“Not important? Not important! I just got fucking kicked from the game because of them chanting to kick me. They didn’t even fucking have the decency to call me by my name. So don’t tell me it’s okay and that their opinion on me doesn’t matter. Because quite frankly their opinion is the only one that matters it seems.” He lashed out.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that.. it wasn’t entirely their fault. You were arguing with the other team members.” You muttered. It wasn’t meant to do any harm, just for him to keep in mind.

“Are you serious right now.? Nobody else got kicked. Nobody. If they can’t handle a little trash talking, maybe they shouldn’t play a sport. I mean seriously there’s no need for them to tell the referees to kick me.” He started raising his voice when he spoke.

“I know it’s just that.. maybe you should try and not trash talk you know?” You whispered softly, retreating a bit.

“What?” He looked annoyed. “God ducking damn it. How can you be so cute but so fucking annoying. I mean seriously how can someone with such a face be so fucking dumb and so annoying?” His hands were balled into fist

“I..I don’t understand, can you tell me why you act so sweet..? Then so cold the next moment..? You don’t mean it right..? Please say you don’t mean it.” You were worried you loved him but god it was hard. It was hard to respond when your friends asked about your relationship. It was hard when they flaunted their perfect relationship and then asked about yours. Its was so fucking hard.

“Do you think I would say it otherwise..?” He looked at you. He laughed at you as he saw your pitiful expression. God it was almost sickening how much he saw that expression. That expression that nobody else had ever shown him. The one of worry but at the same time already knowing it was coming. He loved it. He loved everything about you. But most of the time you pissed him off. This relationship wasn’t healthy. But for god sake you already started counseling. But fuck this was a bad idea.

Silence. Nothing could come out. You wanted to scream. You wanted to forget this. You wanted it to stop. Everything to stop.

“Answer me.” He punched the wall next to you. Fear spreading all over your face. Fuck. Fuck. Not here. Please no. He gripped your warm face making it so cold in seconds. Forcing you to look at him he laughed at your crying face. But when you didn’t stop for a minute he immediately backed away. He fucked up. He knew he fucked up. “Wait I’m sorry baby..” he muttered.

“Please stop. Please. I won’t do it again.” Flashbacks we’re pulling you way too far out. You were drowning. No one was around to save you. He was laughing as you begged to be saved, pushing you deeper into your own pool of your own thoughts. You were so cold. The next second you were able to move back to the surface.

Realization hit as he stepped back. “I..I am sorry..” he muttered softly as he left the room without another word leaving his mouth. Words were banging on his lips but he knew if he spilled them out everything out it would just hurt you ten times more.

You got up five minutes later, finally pulled back to reality and decided to get up. Grabbing your stuff you walked back into the stadium. Waving a small wave to the rest of his team before exiting. Confusion was read all over as they saw your tear stained face. To be honest, all that was running through your mind was that you didn’t want Kyoutani to break up with you. You didn’t want to be alone, again. You didn’t want to be just another one of his ex’s. So for the better of both of you it would be best to leave him be. To let him cool off.. for him to feel better.

He was freaking out. He fucked up. You. You were his everything, not only that but you were more than just that. You were like a fucking rainbow at the end of a rainy day. You were his partner in crime. You made him feel normal, you made him feel safe, and loved. He couldn’t believe he just put that all in danger. He just put everything on the line because of some stupid game. He hit the wall hard, “fuck me. I’m sorry y/n..” he muttered as he sank to the floor and balled up. Tears burning through his eyes. He did the one thing he promised you that he would protect you from. You became the one thing he was always scared of becoming. He loved you so much, he love you so fucking much.

You left and got into your car. Sinking into your seat you locked the doors, and hit the steering wheel. Taking a deep breath salty tears rolled down your already stained face. Placing the key in and turning it the car started. Next thing you knew you had left wherever you could go. You loved him. So fucking much. But it was hard to be okay when he acted so fucking rough with you. It was hard to stay calm and not imagine your past relationship in this one. You tried. You really did but god it was hard to feel okay, feel okay about everything happening around you. It was too much. So fucking much. It made your head hurt.

When the game ended Kyoutani was still freaking out, now moved back into the lockers. He didn’t know what he was expecting but he knew he hoped you would still be there. God damn it. He fucked up. You had left. You were gone. Tears brimming his eyes as he teammates walked in. Now mentioning it to his teammates their faces seemed to change. More salty fucking tears left his eyes, as he heard about what type of pain you looked like you were in.

You headed back to your shared place. Unsure where else to go. You weren’t close with your family anymore. You had no friends. You had no work buddies. You had nobody but Kyoutani and in turn, now you were left alone with the thought of everything being gone. Ripped right out of your hands as you're forced to watch your whole world come crumbling down on you. You placed your stuff down on the side and laid on the bed. It smelled just like safety. Just like Kyoutani. You just wanted to be held. You just wanted everything to be perfect, again. To be okay at least. You needed him more than anything.

After a night out he finally made it back to your shared place. He didn’t want to be back without you, but you weren’t answering and he didn’t know what else to do. When he walked into the apartment he slowly walked into your shared room. There he saw you. Laying in bed cuddled up in the blankets. Slowly and carefully he walked up. Not wanting to cause you any more hurt. He missed you. Even for a few hours he had felt like he hadn’t seen you in years. But maybe that was because he thought that’s what might have happened. Maybe he thought you had left for good. Maybe he thought he would never have the chance to apologize. Never have the chance to hold you again. When he reached the bed he noticed that you were awake. “Hey y/n..” he muttered softly. The silence was killing him. “I’m so sorry. I know I fucked up. I promised to make you feel safe and protected around me. I made a promise to keep you safe and protected. I broke both of those. I fucked up. I know I did. I lashed out again. I did exactly what everyone says I do. I just get so fucking heated for no reason and I know I shouldn’t and I know I should just relax. But I feel like if I do the worlds would burn though my throat and then it would just explode.. and I know it’s stupid and I know I end up hurting you more. I know that there is no good reason to do that. But I just.. I don’t know. You're the only one that makes me feel normal okay..? I know it’s not fair. I know it’s not. You just make me feel like whenever I’m with you that I’m floating. I just want everything to be okay again. I want everything to be back to normal. I know I should give you space but I missed you so much. I don’t want you to leave, please don’t leave..” he was crying again. He barely had any tears left to cry. He wanted to hold you but he knew it was a stupid idea. “I’m sorry for being so selfish.. but please..”

You never really heard him or saw him crack. But fuck. It hurts you so much. To see him beg for you to stay with him. What were you supposed to do..? Leave him now? That was never even the plan. You didn’t have a plan to be honest. You sat up biting your lip before you gently held him. “Hey baby it will be okay.. calm down I’ve got you.. I’m not going anywhere now. I promise you I’m not going anywhere.” You muttered softly. He melted into your touch. He knew he didn’t deserve it but he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Shush… I’ve got you.. take a deep breath..” you mumbled softly kissing his head as he took deep breaths. Soon enough he was relaxed in your arms again. “You know and I know that I love you so much. But there’s a line between where I can take it and I can’t. I understand you get frustrated but I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I don’t deserve to be scared of being hit.. and I know we both know that. I try to be understanding but you need to try to be too okay..? I love you so much.. more than you might believe but Kyoutani I can’t handle being in a relationship with you if you're constantly annoyed or angry with me. I think we deserve to be happy.. and if that means needing to take a break then we would have to okay? You need to work on communicating. I know it can be hard.. but please..” you whispered. Tears flowing down your soft skin again. It was getting a lot. So it would be best if you told him… you needed him to understand.

He gently shook his head. He understood. He knew he was in the wrong. He knew he was lucky for you to be holding him.. for him to even still be in a relationship with you let alone it be still a romantic one. He loved you and he knew you didn’t deserve anything that he put you through. In the end all that mattered was you in his eyes. He was going to change.. he was. “I promise.. thank you y/n..” he whispered softly. Gently he wrapped his arms around you. “I love you so much..” he muttered. Everything would be okay.. he knew it was going to be now. All that mattered was that you were safe. That you were happy.. that you were in his arms again.

Follows and likes are appreciated! Please reblog if you enjoyed it, so more people can find my work! Thank you all for your support! Stay safe, and have a good rest of your day!

226 notes · View notes

scuttle-buttle · 3 years

Text

What's One More?

WC: 3204

Rated: M

Tags: brief mentions of crime/mental illness/child abuse and neglect/substance addiction/theft, fluff, family dynamics, mentions of aging, mentions of difficult pregnancy, softness, anxiety attack

🧠

The harsh vibrating of a phone on the nightstand breaks your slumber. Still half asleep you toss your arm back to thump against your sleeping husband's side. With a groan he answers. You try to settle back into your pillow and the warmth of the blanket. Whoever has the balls to call at this hour has another thing coming - but later because your priority is going back to sleep.

He can't have been on the call more than fifteen seconds before he sits up in bed suddenly, turning on the bedside lamp; his movements grab your attention. You roll over. The light blinds you and you rub at your eyes to adjust. You can't make out what's being said. Looking at the clock to see that it's barely 4 am you know something bad has happened. Quietly you slip out from the covers.

Making your way down the hall you peek into your daughter's room, grateful that she's still fast asleep. Her soft snores punctuate the calm. Your nerves abate knowing she’s safe. By the time you get back to the bedroom Laszlo is up and getting dressed. "What's going on?"

He doesn't answer at first. You wait until he's finished buttoning his shirt to ask again. "Sara was called to consult on a triple homicide case - she's asked for me to come down to the police station. I don't know much yet, but it's something involving a young boy and she wants me to speak with him."

“Did he…?”

“No. He was not directly involved, that much we know.”

You nod, leaning against the door frame. This wasn't the first time that Laszlo had been called in by law enforcement and social services to assist with children and teens that needed psychological help. He had become more active around the time you graduated with your doctorate. After Sophia was born Laszlo helped fund an after school program for kids that focused on support for mental health and behavioral issues. He was so passionate about being able to help these kids. But it was never at this ungodly hour. "You'll call or something when you know what's up?" you ask through a yawn.

"Of course, Bärchen." He gives you a chaste peck. Gently he guides you back towards your bed and sits you down. "Go back to sleep, there's no need to worry. I love you." With that he left.

Your sleep is fitful with him gone. You worry over things that you aren't even aware of, over who is hurt, over how severe a situation it could be to have been called in the middle of the night, over the poor boy that needs Laszlo’s help. When your daughter tiptoes into the room around 6 you welcome her into the bed with open arms.

"Why are you up, baby bug?"

"Where's Papa?" She climbs up on his side of the bed and rubs his cold pillow. On her face is a deep frown.

"He had to go help some very important people early this morning. He'll be back to see you soon, I promise."

"I miss him. He always helps me with my shoes."

You can't help the smile that crosses your face. "I know, baby. But it's still early so let's take a nap before we have to get ready, hmm?" The two of you snuggle under the covers. With her curled into your side you do find rest, even for the short time before your alarm chimes.

The day moves sluggish as you wait for word from your husband. Little work was to be done today at the museum, so there wasn't much to keep your mind off the wondering. You considered calling. You considered texting. But you knew that when the time was right he would let you know. No news is good news, you think.

Finally the day came to a close. You picked up Sophia and stopped by the store on the way home to grab supplies for dinner. She insisted that she carry one of the bags inside - little miss independent that she was. “Careful not to drop it, okay? Use those muscles of yours to hold the bag tight.”

“Mama I know, I help Papa carry all the time,” she explains matter-of-factly.

The townhouse is quiet as you begin to unpack. You do a quick glance into the dining room and parlor to no avail. "Laz, honey? You home?" A few seconds later you hear movement from the stairs.

Your husband rounds the corner into the kitchen, swooping down to scoop your daughter into his left arm, peppering her face in exaggerated smooches. Her giggles light up the room from the dim atmosphere. He perches her on his hip. “How was your day my little dove?”

“So good Papa - I practiced my counting today at school. I can get the biggest in the class! Mommy said I must be the most smartest," she prattles on.

“Wunderbar!” he praises her before turning to you. “I didn't hear you come in." Laszlo kisses you.

Pinning him with a look you say "you also didn't call me today? You said you would and I've been worried all day."

Sophia crosses her arms and harrumphs from her father's hip; "me too Papa." He quirks an eyebrow at her before speaking.

"Yes… there is something I wished to speak with you on but didn't think it was suitable for the phone." You raise your own brows but continue to put away groceries. "I do not wish to discuss certain aspects of the case in present company-" he nods towards Sophia minutely "-but we do have a houseguest for the foreseeable future."

"Oh?" Your brows dip in confusion. This is not what you were expecting.

Laszlo peeks around the doorway and calls out "Stevie, would you come join us in the kitchen please."

Stevie? You don't know a Stevie...

A moment later a lanky boy with scruffy dark blond hair shuffles into the room. He can't be anymore than 15. His clothes are too big on him and his shoes are worn beyond belief; nevertheless he gives you a slight smile. “This is Stevie Taggert, he’s going to be staying here with us in the guest room for now.”

“Good evening Mrs. Kreizler,” the boy says nervously, his voice cracking.

You spare a look at your husband before turning to the teenager with a smile. “Ah, no need for that, kid. You can just call me by my name instead. And welcome to our home. You like spaghetti?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Awesome! And I’m certainly not old enough to be a ma’am,” you give him a wink. You set up a pot to boil the water for the pasta. Laszlo excused himself to spend some time with Sophia, leaving you and Stevie in the kitchen.

He clears his throat behind you. “Would um… is there anything I can do to help?”

"I would love that, thank you."

The two of you get to work on making dinner. Stevie doesn’t say too much, but he is very polite and does his best to be useful. Once the food is nearly finished your family has returned ready to eat. You send Stevie and Sophia to set the table.

“Should I be worried?” you ask Laszlo quietly, watching the doorway the two left through.

“I don’t think so. I just felt that I would rather he have a familiar face to adjust with instead of being placed in a group home like many end up.”

You study his face. “You’ve taken a liking to him haven’t you?”

“Well…" his face reddens at your question. "He reminds me a bit of myself when I was his age.” The conversation is cut short by the kids returning.

The rest of dinner and the evening goes smoothly. You make it a point to not bring up any questions that could trigger the teenager, especially before you’ve spoken with Laszlo about the situation at hand. When Stevie nearly eats his weight in pasta you say nothing, wondering how long it's been since he's had a good home cooked meal. He insists on helping clean up the dishes afterwards. Without even knowing what the boy has gone through your heart aches for him.

You set him up in the small renovated basement downstairs while Laszlo puts Sophia to bed. Handing him one of your husband’s old Harvard t-shirts to sleep in you tell him “I’m sorry you’ll be down here by yourself, but if you need us for anything don’t be afraid to come get us - no matter what time it is, okay? And if you get cold there’s an extra blanket right here for you. I know it's July but….” you shrug. “Tomorrow after I get home from work we can go to the store and get you some stuff to use, some more clothes, that kinda thing.”

“Yes ma’am.” At the teasing look you give him his ears burn red with his mumbled “right sorry.”

“Alright Stevie. We’ll see you in the morning, sleep well.”

Laszlo is in bed reading when you enter the room. Nothing is said as you ready yourself for bed. Slipping under the covers you face him. He sighs and closes his book.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. I became caught up in the day and only arrived home with Stevie maybe half an hour before you did.” He sighs a second time. “Most of the case I cannot talk about, but what I can say is he was living with his mentally ill father, whom was also an addict. He missed the last few weeks of the school year and has been regularly stealing food to get by. He has no other family. I just… it didn’t feel right to let him process his experiences away from someone properly trained to deal with these sorts of things, in addition to how traumatic entering foster care at his age can be. I spoke with those in social services and was granted temporary custody until we find another more permanent solution.”

“Of course.”

He takes hold of your hand. “You aren’t upset with me?”

“I mean it would’ve been nice to have a bit more warning… but I get it. He can stay as long as he needs to. He’s a sweet kid,” you reassure him. “I told him that I would take him shopping after work tomorrow, so if you could pick up Soph from preschool that would be great.”

“Perhaps instead we can all go? I was thinking that I would bring him to the university with me so that he’s not alone all day. You could get her and then we could meet somewhere, get dinner afterwards?”

You lean closer to him to curl around his arm and rest your head on his shoulder. He always thought so much about others, especially children. Laszlo had such a heart of gold and it honestly left you in awe of just how much he was willing to give so that others could find peace and happiness. Like the older he got the more he had to give. The thought warms you. “How are you literally the best person I know? And to think you used to be so worried about being able to be a good father and now you’re the best of all of us.” He huffs a little as you nuzzle into his chest.

“I have you to thank for that, Bärchen.” He drops a kiss to your head. “But it’s getting late and I’ve been up all day. We should get some sleep.”

Soon after you're both dreaming.

___

Stevie had been with you for three weeks. It only took him a few days to start to settle in, and you discovered that he was quick with his wit and far smarter than he let on. He was a little bit of a sarcastic smart-ass at times, but all in good nature. He was endlessly entertaining. Laszlo sat down with him almost everyday to talk about what he was feeling, the things he experienced, and ways to deal with the loss of his family. Already you both saw improvement.

Even Sophia got on well with him. Most teenage boys wanted nothing to do with little kids, let alone a 4 year old that loved playing 'spaceship barbie'. But not Stevie. On his fifth day you'd found him sat on the floor playing with her and going along with her childlike imagination. When she insisted he play the barbie that needed saving he went along with it, high pitched voice and everything. He even encouraged her to pick up her toys before bed - a feat you and your husband struggled with at times. It struck you how much Stevie became a big brother of sorts to her.

Laszlo grew even more fond of the boy. He wasn't really one for TV, but every evening he sat and watched some show on Netflix about racing with the teen and didn't complain once. Laszlo had tried to explain the role of adrenaline in racing drivers as a psychological function, but Stevie just brushed it off and said it was the driving so fast that made it "cool".

The two did bond over an unlikely subject - punk rock. When you got home from work two weeks into his stay and heard the music blasting in the parlor you worried someone had broken in. Whipping into the room you saw Laszlo in his chair tapping his foot to the intense guitar and singing; Stevie nodded along to the music as he held an old album cover. It didn't take long for Sophia to start jumping along to the music too.

"What is this?" You yelled out over the bass - you couldn't recognize it and it clearly wasn't English.

"Die Toten Hosen, a band I listened to growing up in Germany. Stevie found the record and asked to listen."

"Listen? I think you mean blow out your eardrums!" Even with needing to shout to be heard you had to laugh at the situation. How your husband had a secret love for German punk you'll never know; yet you would never let him live it down.

And when Stevie came and woke you both up in tears three nights ago you made him hot chocolate while Laszlo sat down with him. He confessed that he had never been treated or cared for like he was in your home. How he wished he could stay because he felt wanted. Your heart broke for the boy. To be so young and so lost, craving someone to simply be there for him.

Yet everyday he grew more open. He broke out of his shell. He had goals and ambitions; he wanted to amount to something bigger than he had thought he ever could. It almost shocked you at how much fire was within him.

At how much he fit in with your little family.

At how it was like he was meant to be there.

___

Laszlo was oddly quiet when you got home. Sophia had run off to find Stevie, and you tracked your husband down to his office. He listened as you talked about your day for a good ten minutes; he said almost nothing the whole conversation.

You move closer to him. Placing the back of your hand to his forehead you check to see if he's feverish or sick. He didn't feel warm. "Laz, are you feeling okay?"

He gently pulls your hand down and leaves a kiss on your palm. "The department of social services called this morning to inquire about what we want to do with Stevie. This would be the third time they have asked."

He hadn't mentioned it to you at all that they were calling already. "Okay. What do you think we should do?" You pause for him to continue.

"I told them I would need to speak with you before any further decisions were made regarding him…" His fingers tap against the wood of his desk. "I'm not sure I have an answer for them. Nor for you." He swallows. "I'm afraid of what might become of him should he go into the system. Or that he will not get the support he needs given his past. Any option involving allowing him to stay for a bit longer is a commitment I won't make without your full support, of course. I could never ask that of you." As he speaks you can hear the frustration pouring from him, feel the irritation radiating through the room. "I refuse to give up on him- I- I just don't have the answers on what to do without them hounding me and he deserves better than this, dammit."

"He does… Do you remember on your 50th birthday, what you told me?" Laszlo looks up at you confused. "You said that you had wished you were ten years younger so you had the energy and time to do all of it again. That if you were younger we would've had a whole gaggle of kids - brothers and sisters for Sophia."

"Wishing I was younger doesn't make a difference in helping Stevie-"

"Laszlo - let's adopt him." Your words stop him in his tracks. You had decided not to have any more after your daughter was born. Laszlo was nearing 50 and the pregnancy had been hard on you. But regardless you knew that you both had the means and the love to give another child, probably five or ten more children if you really wanted to. So why not start with one that's already wormed his way in to the family? "I've seen how fond you are of him already. You've taken him under your wing as if he was your own. And how good he is with Sophia? Hell I couldn't ask for a better older sibling for her - and she loves him already. And honestly, Laz, I do too."

"You think we should adopt Stevie?"

"I think we should ask, yeah. He deserves a good home and a strong father figure that's going to put him first. He looks at you like you hung the stars, Laszlo. He needs us, and truthfully I think we need him. So yeah - what's one more added to this little shindig we've got going for us?"

"Have you-"

"-thought it through? Yes. Completely."

You can see the smile he fights to hold back. "We should call tomorrow and see what the protocol is for stating our intent to adopt and getting the paperwork."

"Um…" You shuffle your feet. Nose scrunched, you confess "I may have already called them. On the way from work I asked about what would need to be done if we wanted to pursue that route, but since they already know who we are from you working with them for years it can be fast tracked." You pull him out of his chair to stand before you. "All we have to do is say 'go'."

He has no hesitation.

"Go."

Laszlo doesn't hold back his smile or his laughter as he spins you around his office floor. You're certain your children downstairs can hear your giggles.

Tag list

@hardlyinteresting @lorna-d-m @livvyshmiv @somethingthatsaysbubbles @greeneyedblondie44 @unbeatablecurlgirl @apparrio @marchingicenotes7 @anteroom-of-death @bruhidaniel @lemairepstuff @thehuiabird @zemosimp05 @alindeluce @iamnotthecatladynextdoor @laura-naruto-fan1998 @trelaney @boneheadduluc @i-am-dead-inside-666 @fictionlandslanddreams @that-one-fandom-kid @hb8301 @fandom-princess-forevermore @foggycandywitch @creme-bruhlee @andy-rocks @nonamec0s @everythingbeginsineternity-blog @uncomfortablebagel @rachelicouss @wisia02

124 notes · View notes