#i could just unfollow but I wanted to explain myself too it felt wrong not to

[pixlokita]

Well I want to be honest, my mental health hasn’t been the best the past few months. I’ve been really struggling to the point of crying about several different things and it’s not anyone’s fault. Maybe my situation irl is affecting how I feel online, and it sucks because everyone is so nice and kind but I feel like I don’t belong? Idk how to explain it. It’s a very awful feeling and I’m recovering from several traumatic things I thought I’d gotten over but they keep resurfacing, I think I need to organize my feelings and stop overthinking, but I wanted to explain myself too. I’ll be unfollowing several people and you’re free to unfollow me too 💖🙏 y’all have been nothing but wonderful and a source of inspiration but I need to work on myself ;v;)b

I wish everyone a very lovely evening tbh UwU you’re all the best, bless you 💖

[iamthecomet]

And hoot again :D

Yeah, you’re very right (both with so quickly depending on it being overwhelming and with it showing how much I needed it)

The trip to therapy went quite well! The bus wasn‘t overly full on both ways, so I could sit down which was really good. I‘m still nervous for the first time that I’ll sit down on the floor if all seats are taken (it would be safer and better for me, but before I was always too scared to do that. Now that I have a cane that makes it sort of visible that I have trouble walking/standing, I want to try to do it).

I have suspected that I have hypermobile joints for a while (the problem is that I’m not in enough pain to really struggle so much that it would really be worth seeing a doctor for, but I’ll mention it when I got my next appointment). Part of the problem is my bad memory, because due to that I honestly can‘t even remember if I’m in pain (I know stuff constantly and quickly starts hurting but that’s probably normal in most cases and I also have a really high pain tolerance).

My body can do things it‘s apparently not supposed to do though

But I feel it with the cane, cause my wrist always sort of wobbles cause it’s really not stable. So I tried applying tape today, but only went to the very near grocery store that takes like a minute to walk to. So I don’t really know how much it has helped yet regarding walking with the cane. I do feel more comfortable though, and I think it‘s also helping me with writing and drawing

(On the video I watched the guy explained what the hypermobile thing in that hand he was showing it on is exactly, what it would look like if it wasn‘t hypermobile and what the tape is gonna do. And my thumb has the exact position that is a result of the joint being hypermobile (so like my suspicion doesn’t seem to be too wrong)

Since noon I had a really really bad headache that felt like my skull was split open and my brain crushed. So really not nice. I took 1,5 ibuprofen and later one paracetamol but nothing helped.

Then I tested myself cause I remembered that the only time I had such a bad headache was when I had COVID and boom! Positive

So yeah. I‘ll stay in bed tomorrow (and my head hurts so fucking much. I hate it)

I‘ll send you pics when the order gets here if you want! :D

But two pairs of Doc Martens sounds very nice!

A really sweet and funny story:

A friend of mine asked me to explain Ghost (as in, explain everything).

Three days ago I sent a video of like a few clips of Jutty, one of which being this clip in which he is like “unfollowing is bullying“ and “wHaT iF i WaS cOsMo 🧐🤨“

And since then, we‘ve constantly been sending “wHaT iF i WaS cOsMo 🧐🤨” back and forth (then we started to send the clip as a only one time viewable video so it wouldn’t be visible beforehand).

Today, I cut off the beginning of an edit and put that clip behind that to hide it and sent it to them. They have also hidden it in a poll on WhatsApp already

It turned into a game and we can‘t stop laughing about it because it‘s so fucking silly xD (it‘s practically like Rick-rolling)

wHaT iF i WaS cOsMo 🧐🤨

(You just got wHaT iF i WaS cOsMo 🧐🤨-ed. You‘re welcome xD)

~ @owlishanon

I'm glad it's still going well! It's good that it gives you so much peace of mind and that you feel confident doing what you need to do now without worrying that something awful is going to happen. But I'm so sorry that you have COVID! It's rotten. I hope you get lots of rest and your headache doesn't last too long. Sleep and drink lots of water! You can definitely send me pictures of the stuff you get when it comes in! I always love to see people's hauls! I am very excited about my docs. I paid $140 for both pairs, which is like half of one what one of them costs brand new. I feel VERY lucky about it. One pair is rusty orange suede, they're short boots. Great for every day. The other are standard black knee highs which have been my dream boots since, like, forever (I've owed many, many pairs of knee high lace-up boots, but none of them were Docs). The wHaT iF i WaS cOsMo 🧐🤨 thing has me giggling. Thank you for that. What a great joke to have with your friends, seriously. Fucking Jutty. He kills me in the best ways.

[ararexic]

vent-ish idk.

i personally think i had to grow up faster. my older brother couldn’t be in my life for many reasons, but i don’t resent or hate him for it. with my brother gone i was (i technically am?) the oldest child. i had to set a good example for my younger sibling and even my cousins. i tried my best but it was hard. i don’t think i was ever able to be a good example. i also grew up being made fun of (bullied, maybe). not many people liked me. there was always something wrong with me, either i was too loud, too violent, any flaw i had was a problem to people. in 6th grade i was shunned entirely by my friend group. they thought i had become “too loud”. i ended up always being by myself. it sucked but i got used to it for a while. people would ask me if i wanted to hang out or play with them at times but i’m sure they felt pity for me. after being alone, i made friends with some of the 5th graders. as lame as it sounds i enjoyed their company a lot. they weren’t shallow or mean to me like the kids in my grade were. they were nice and very friendly and i had lots of fun with them!! but the kids in my class noticed i would hang out with them and soon made fun of me for it. one time i was waiting for them to come out for recess and a girl in my class came and asked me what i was doing. i explained i was waiting for my friends, and she promptly told me “oh, you’re friends with fifth graders. that’s sad.”. i let my classmates words get to me badly and i stopped hanging out with my 5th grade friends entirely. i sat by myself again. at recess and lunch i would sit under a tree doing nothing but watching the other kids play and talk with their friends. seventh grade was alright i guess. i wasn’t miserable but i wasn’t super happy either. eighth grade i had a big argument with some of my friends i had made in 7th grade. i made a joke about how one of the guy’s girlfriend looked kinda bitchy. i don’t think it was super bad. i thought they would know i was joking around. they didn’t. they let out the meanest words to me. they called me toxic, a bitch, any insult they could think of. they accused me of ruining my best friend’s (at the time) mental health. they tore me down until i couldn’t take it anymore. i asked my friend if it was true that i was ruining his mental health. he said i wasn’t and that it wasn’t true at all. i believed him. i still believe that i didn’t ruin him. i think that all happened in january, maybe february, of 2020. in may of that year i posted a picture of myself on instagram because it was my birthday. that day i remember one of my friends (they still followed me but i had unfollowed them) messaged me on instagram, apologizing for what had happened. i wasn’t prepared for it in the slightest. i forgave him and i regret it. a few months later my other friend had gotten my discord through my first friend who apologized, and he apologized as well. i hate how stupid i was back then because i forgave him as well. i ghosted them a few months later for a few reasons where i’ll spare the details but basically i just didn’t want to be their friend anymore. i guess they hated me for that. valid why they would but they were shitty people, i think i hold proper reasons as to why i didn’t want to be friends with them any longer. a little while later, during first semester of school i mentioned some bad things one of them did/said to me in a comment i left on a post about him. he saw it and was very heated. he replied saying some bullshit of how he was a changed person and pinned the blame on me, saying that it was me who was a toxic person and that i pushed one of his friends to contemplate suicide?? i knew some of his friends but it wasn’t like i was close to them or anything. i wasn’t that bad of a person either i think. to this day i still don’t know who that friend of his was but i’m convinced he only said that to guilt trip me and put me in a bad light to others. i don’t think i can ever forgive my old friends ever again. not after what they’ve done to me. they’re assholes and i hate every single one of them.

i hate everyone i’ve known from fifth to eighth grade. i hate everyone i knew from kindergarten to fourth grade. they all made my life miserable. they made me feel like i was outcast. throughout that entire time i only a select few people that i consider(ed) to be my friends. i of course don’t hate them. they made my life a little more tolerable. but to everyone else i knew i am sending them the biggest “fuck you” to them.

[mggssocks]

Followed

Not My Gif!

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Content Warnings: None just fluff :)

Summary: Spencer makes an Instagram and stumbles across reader’s page.

Word Count: 1,899 words

A/N: This is Season 10 Spencer with Season 13 looks. Also, instead of it being Kate on the team, i put Emily instead because who doesn’t love the season 3-7 team? Also I might make a part 2 depending on how much this blows up. Honestly i’d be happy if i got one like. Anyways.. hope you enjoy!!!

masterlist // part 2 // part 3

It was 8:00 in the morning. Spencer walked in the doors of the bullpen to the bau. He sat his satchel down and began to settle in for a long day of work. It was pretty early so the team wasn’t in yet. Except for Aaron Hotchner who had gotten in an hour prior to Spencer and been in his office ever since. Apparently others had the same ‘get to work early’ mindset as Spencer. Spencer opened a case file but his attention was quickly whipped away due to the sound of the door opening. He sees Penelope Garcia with all her attention focused on her phone. Spencer quirked his eyebrows when she bumped into a fellow coworker and her attention remained on her phone while quickly mumbling a quick “sorry”. As she passed his desk, Spencer decided it would be the great time to speak. 

“Hey, Garcia.” Her feet came to a stop and her head snapped up at him. 

“Boy wonder! I’m so glad you’re here. I really need someone to talk to because if I don’t I’m going to explode!” She sits in the chair across from his desk. 

“Is everything alright?” He leaned back in his chair. 

“No… no everything is not alright. If anything.. everything is all wrong. Very very wrong. I-“ she takes in a deep breath “I was stalking Kevin’s page because the other day I seen him at the mall with another girl. And while I was 56 weeks down in his page, I accidentally liked a picture.” She explained, in a huff. 

“I’m afraid I don’t follow.” Spencer was even more confused now than before she started. 

“I liked a picture that he posted 56 weeks ago!” Her eyes were wide.

“How is that a bad thing?” His lips pouted as he’d never understand social media. 

“Ugh! Reid, you really need to get with the program and get you an Instagram. That means his picture was old and now he knows that I was looking at his page. You understand now?” She asked. 

“Oh. Yeah I understand. It’s bad that he knows you were looking at his page.” He asked as Prentiss, JJ, and Morgan had walked in. 

“Yes. And now I must go into the bat cave and wait for him to call or text me and ask what me lurking on his page was about.” She whined as she stomped her way to her office. 

“What was that about?” Prentiss asked, setting her bags down on her desk. 

“Uhh- rough morning” Spencer shrugged, still not really understanding the whole social media thing. 

“Hey do you guys have an Instagram?” He asked the three. 

“Yeah but I’m barely on it.” Prentiss answered.

“Same here” says Morgan as he takes a seat at his desk. 

“Yeah but I only get on to post the boys and myself sometimes” answers JJ. 

“What about Hotch and Rossi?” He asked.

“Yup! Rossi likes to post about his expensive wine and cigars. Hotch posts Jack every once in a while and a throwback Thursday.” JJ says. 

Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed for what seems to be the 100th time that day. 

“He doesn’t know what that is” Prentiss looks over to JJ.

“It’s something you post like an old picture of yourself every Thursday.” Morgan explains.

“Do you guys do that?” Spencer asked.

“I did last Thursday.” JJ pulls out her phone and opened the app. “This was right after Emily, Penelope, and I caught a guy who was trying to pick up Prentiss by pretending to be an FBI agent a few years ago.” She chuckled showing him a picture. 

Spencer takes her phone in his hand and examines the post. 142 likes. 57 comments. He clicks on her name which takes it to her page. 302 followers. As he scrolls, he sees a picture the team took a while ago and sees a little person profile thing the corner and clicks on it causing other names tagged to each individual team member. Except him. After he examined all of their profiles, he gives JJ back her phone and gets to work like the rest of them. He felt a little left out but he knew it was because of his own decisions and not his team. He liked that they didn’t press him about having a social media because they new he was more old school than anything. And it was ironic because he wastage youngest member of the team with the more old school habits. 

When Spencer got home he decided he wanted the social media app. The idea of being able to share with his friends and only his friends excited him. Being able to post about his favorite things for his friends to see without talking their ears off.

He opened his phone and went to the app store, typing “instagram” into the search bar. He followed the sites instructions as he made his account. Using a snapshot he took of his bookshelf as his profile picture. He sees the option to add the people in his contact list which was only his team, mom, and his mother’s caretaker. But everyone’s profile popped up and he quickly followed each and every one of them. Except for his mom and her caretaker of course. 

Soon enough, he got a follow back from Garcia, Hotch, Rossi, and JJ in that order. Morgan and Prentiss weren’t lying when they said they weren’t on often.

After two weeks, Spencer hasn’t posted anything yet, not knowing what should go on his profile. Morgan and Prentiss ended up following him back and the app ended up adjusting to his interests. Nothing but accounts about interesting facts, books, and doctor who. 

It was Friday night and the team had just got back from a case in Chicago. Spencer opened the door to his apartment and set his satchel down on the couch, exhausted. His mind wonders to get something to eat being that he wonders to get something to eat being that he hasn’t ate since before they caught the unsub. Which was about 5 hours and 7 minutes ago but he still needed to get something into his system. Spencer opened his fridge and sees 3 day old Chinese takeout. He shrugs and pops it into the microwave while looking for a book of his to reread while he eats. After he finishes dinner, he gets on his phone and subconsciously pulls up the app. He clicks onto his explore page to discover something else he likes. While scrolling, he sees a picture of someone reading and clicks on it.

765 likes

Yourfriend’sig whenever people ask me what to give you for your birthday or Christmas, I always tell them to get you a book or something green and it works every single time. Happy Birthday to my best buddy, @yourinstagram !

View all 84 comments

Spencer smiles and clicks the heart button and bookmarks it to look at later.  He liked the picture. Both the picture and caption reminded him a lot of his own love for books and the color green (hence his apartment). 

Once he got out of the shower, he brushed his teeth. He found himself subconsciously scrolling through his instagram bookmarks to find her post. He doesn’t know what it was but something about the picture brought comfort to him. As he brushed his teeth, he clicked on the post once again.This time, he actually clicked on your account. It was a private account with 186 followers. The bio read:

Y/N... bookworm.

Her profile picture consisted of a black cat surrounded by either a bunch of well taken care of plants or artificial ones. His finger hovered over the blue “follow” button. As he bent down to spit his toothpaste out, his thumb accidentally clicked the follow button. But he didn't realize so until he looked down again to see the “follow” button replaced with “requested”. His heart basically drops out of his ass. He quickly clicks the button again, taking back his follow. 

It was now one in the morning, Spencer laid in bed awake staring at his ceiling. Once again, he clicks onto the app. He scrolled down his timeline and saw a picture Penelope posted of one of her new desk animals with the caption “Got her at a thrift shop! Isn’t she cute??”. He saw that Hotch and JJ liked 45 other people. JJ also commented with two red hearts. Spencer likes the post and keeps scrolling. His thoughts wander to the post about the girl again. He’s never thought about a social media post this much since he’s created an account. He wonders what sparked his interest so much about this one. As he makes his way to the post, clicking on her account. Debating if he should follow her. She’s a total stranger. Do the others follow strangers? There’s no way JJ knows 302 people in real life. He mentally shrugs and presses the follow button. Requested. Again.

He swipes out of her account back onto the post now seeing that she commented on it.

yourinstagram thank you, bubs! ily to the moon n back <3333

It was commented thirty six seconds ago. Meaning she’s currently active. Again, Spencer’s heart sinks and he immediately regrets his decision. Going back and unfollowing her. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s a mess. Over a stranger. But he feels like an idiot. Reacting the way that he did just because he saw that she was online. So he goes and follows her.... again.

After clearing out all of his apps, he turns off his phone and lays down trying to get some sleep before work in a few hours. His thoughts wander to her. What she was like. if she was nice or mean. If she was socially awkward or very outgoing. Before his thoughts could get too far into what she was like, he receives a notification from instagram. He opens his phone and clicks on the notification. His heart began to pound when he saw it.

yourinstagram would like to send you a message! 

He clicks on it.

yourinstagram You’ve followed and unfollowed me about 5 times in the past 3 hours. Is there something I can help you with?

Spencer completely forgot that other people got notifications and now he felt like some kind of creep.

spencerreid I’m sorry. I came across your friend’s Instagram post wishing you a happy birthday and i guess i got curious and wanted to follow you if that makes any sense. 

He felt so dumb. 

yourinstagram and following me once wasn’t enough for some reason???

spencerreid Sorry about that. I’m new to this whole social media thing and don’t follow any strangers. You are the first person I’m following that I don’t know in real life. Again, my apologies for the disturbance. I’ll unfollow you’re account If you’re uncomfortable with me. 

yourinstagram i just hope that you’re not one of my raging exes, someone trying to catfish me, or a psychopath lol.

Spencer smiled.

spencerreid Nope. Just me.

She leaves him one read. Spencer’s smile fades when he doesn’t see any three loading dots. She wasn’t texting him back. As he’s about to exit the app, he sees two notifications. 

yourinstagram has accepted your follow request!

yourinstagram has requested to follow you.

********

I hoped you like this!!! If this blows up,i will do another chapter!

[siriusblacktothefuture]

Alright, I've had a couple of interactions on this blog in the past few weeks that have pushed me to writing this out, so here is my long ass post.

I don't have to justify my very complicated relationship with the Harry Potter franchise to anyone.

Now I'm going to explain my opinion a little because I think maybe it might shed some light on the subject, but I dont have to respond to anything I dont want to. This is just my opinion, my experience, and my personal take. You don't have to agree with me. I dont have to agree with you. I also dont have to debate anything because... no one is entitled to my time or energy. But if a terf tries to step in I will not fucking hesitate to block and report you, so keep that in mind.

So heres the thing; as much as everyone wants this to be a black and white issue, for some of us it's not. If it is for you, that's fantastic! I'm genuinely glad you can pick a side in the arguement and feel comfortable with your opinion. 10/10 for doing your own funky thing, ya know?

And I understand why it can be a black and white issue. Harry Potter is unquestionably a racist, anti-semitic, classist, transphobic, and misogynistic work of literature. It was written by a bigoted person, and her personal beliefs undeniably ripple into the story. I in no way condone those ideologies, and I haven't even financially supported her franchises or works since The Crimes of Grindlewald, because for me, I drew the line at a Korean woman being kept as a pet. JK Rowling has been terrible to so many minority groups, I will never be giving her any form of support again. And if that's the reason you full stop draw the line at Harry Potter content, I don't blame you. Genuinely, I understand and wish you nothing but support, because that's a legitimate argument, okay?

"But how can you say that when you still have a Harry Potter blog"

Because my attachment to the wizarding world helped me work through a lot of personal trauma, lead me to finding a safe queer friendly place to interact, gave me the majority of my friends, and lead me to having a creative outlet for the first time in years. I could go into details, but I wont to keep this consise, so that's the summary. That's my personal reason for starting and continuing to have this blog.

That doesn't excuse the offensive rhetoric in the series by any means. In fact, the majority of my interactions over the past few years have been discussions on why Harry Potter is offensive and how to write proper effective representation into stories. That doesn't change that me and my friends still give attention to the series, even if it leads to no ones financial gain (aside from small fan artists). That doesn't mean that in the past I didn't unflinchingly adore and support JK Rowling and her books, because I did, because I was young and didn't know better.

But heres the thing; I'm a person. I fuck up (quite often). I have to sit and think about what is the most moral choice I could make VERY OFTEN and sometimes I choose wrong. Sometimes what I deem as moral doesnt fit into someone else's definition. Sometimes I have a warped perspective or a flat out bias for certain topics. Things I thought were good and wholesome 5 years ago can turn out to be terrible upon further inspection. Hell, maybe even this post will be something I mess up with. But that's for me to learn from. And getting yelled at by some nameless, faceless person online is not going to help me learn anything. In fact, I'm admittedly a spiteful petty man, so that will probably just lead to me digging my heels in harder.

I have kept this blog because I want the initial community of people to be able to reach out to me if need be and to remember the good times I did have in the past. I am fully aware of the problematic nature of the books. I am fully aware that JK Rowling has directly caused hateful laws to be passed against the community I'm a part of. I know. And I know I'm not the most morally sound person for still interacting with Harry Potter content in 2021. Maybe one day I'll have a change of heart, look back and be disappointed I didnt see things the way people wanted me to see them in this moment. But that's for me to decide.

This is my blog. This is my corner of the internet that I carved out years ago to have fun while not hating myself for being trans, and it was the one place I had I felt comfortable and supported by a group of people. So I'm keeping my blog for that community.

And if that's a problem for you, unfollow and block me; that's okay! Unfollowing or blocking has literally no effect on me or my life, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own corner of the internet, too

So that's it, thank you for reading any of this

[anambermusicbox]

September 29 Day Countdown (17/29): 2018/10/26 Interview with Meimei Entertainment’s 《吃瓜不吐香蕉皮》

(2:00) Zhou Shen talks about how the producer of “Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace” 《如懿传》 (the theme song of which Zhou Shen sang with Mao Buyi) introduced him to Zhou Xun after finding out he was a huge fan of her’s; Interviewer asks if he talked with her.

Zhou Shen: I actually offended everyone because of this (*laughs*) So Huang Lan-laoshi brings me over to introduce me to Zhou Xun and chat with her, and Zhou Xun-laoshi is incredibly nice and chats with me, and I’m like “I REALLY LIKE YOU I LIKE THIS WORK OF YOURS AND THAT WORK OF YOURS I’LL ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU JIAYOU!!” Then, at that time, they were going to take a big group picture [of the actors on the show], and Zhou Xun, my idol, says “come take the picture with us” and I’m like “okay okay okay :D” and I didn’t think about anything I just went to take the picture like *makes V-sign with fingers* YAAAYYYY! I finally stood beside my idol and took a picture with her! 

It was only later that I realized that I stood at the very center of the entire photo. I was the center position. I now had really mixed feelings about this, so I started searching myself up—I’m someone who often likes to search themselves up on weibo—and I accidentally came across the photo. So my manager asks me: “Why is the emperor of the film sitting on the second row at the very edge of the photo, while you’re in the center right beside the empress?” I said (*frantically*) “Wait just let me explain this isn’t my personality this was an accident, I was talking with my idol at the time and my idol pulled me with her to take the photo and it was my idol so how could I refuse? I can’t refuse, so I went and who knew I was in the very center?” 

So I thought, okay I’m going to get a lot of criticism for this, but fortunately the criticism wasn’t as scathing as I imagined. But I saw this one comment: “You can see the character of a person from a group photo.” I felt like (*imitates a knife to the heart*) (*laughs*) I really wasn’t intentionally grabbing the center position; I just got so excited while chatting with my idol that I didn’t take note that it was the center position. My apologizes to all the actor lao-shi’s (*90 degree bow*)

T/N: the group photo in question, with Zhou Shen in the center wearing a greenish-grey suit:

(3:45) Interviewer asks about his second album:

Because the threshold my first album set was truly a little...extremely way too high. (*laughs*) Gao Xiaosong was the supervisor of making of this album, so I feel a lot of pressure for my second album—I’m afraid that I won’t be able to keep up with the standard that was set.

(5:30) About fans making fun of him for singing lyrics wrong all the time:

I want to say, I really do my best to memorize lyrics, but I- it’s just- my brain is too small. (*laughs*) Sometimes when I’m too nervous or something takes me off guard, I’ll forget lyrics easily. I remember this one time when I was doing promotions of the animation “Crystal Sky of Yesterday” 《昨日青空》, I was singing singing singing—I had the lyrics memorized so well, I swear (*makes oath with hand*) I swear—but then as I was performing, out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of the MV playing behind me, with the lyrics. I was like, Eh? There’s lyrics? So I just kept looking back at the lyrics, and every line I saw I forgot the next line. So I was there like (*moving head back and forth while singing “Too Late for Courage” 《来不及勇敢》*) Seeing the lyrics actually made me forget the lyrics. So in the beginning, I sang all the lyrics correctly, but after I saw the lyrics, I didn’t sing any of the lines correctly (*laughs*)

(10:00) “Do you have a side account on Weibo?”

*sighs dramatically* My fingers often slip and accidentally like someone else’s post, and my homepage will have “Zhou Shen likes whatever whatever pretty girl whatever whatever” (*laughs*) and they [fans] will ask, “Shenshen did your hand slip?” (*laughs*) It’s very scary. 

Also, they can see when I go online or offline—I feel like this can cause frustration for them, because they’ll wonder whether I’m about to make a post. Everyone’s lives are already so packed, I don’t want to make more trouble for everyone. My persona is just “I’m sorry for disturbing you all” (*laughs*) 

So I made a side account just for scrolling weibo, but I didn’t know who to follow on my side account, so my weibo timeline is incredibly boring. (*laughs*) It’s all advertisements. I’m scrolling like (*imitates scrolling on phone*) “this is a great product, this is a super useful item, this person is great, this is great, that is great, if you drink this you can lose weight, grow taller, get rid of acne.” After scrolling I just feel like, you know what I’ll just go back to my main account; my main account is much more fun. (*laughs*)

(11:00) “Do you ever take a peek at your fan’s accounts?”

I not only take a peek, I also click into their account and my fingers slip and accidentally follow them. (*laughs*) I apologize and then unfollow. (*laughs*) My persona is truly just apologizing—whenever something happens or doesn’t happen I say sorry (*laughs*)

[anothertimdrakestan]

Burn (Tim Drake x Reader) angst????

Words: 1.6k

Req: Hello!! May I request Tim x reader angst?? The song “Burn” from Hamilton is stuck in my head so why not put it into context with Tim cheating on reader?? Thanks and bring on the pain..

omg i love this song and im shit at angst but you only get better from trying right??? so lmk how i did i tried lmao hope you enjoy!

You dove into Bart’s chest as the tears began falling. “Just say it’s not true, say I’m wrong. Just say it” you clutched the fabric of his shirt while he stayed silent, his arms rubbing your back. “I- we- we all thought you guys were over I didn’t realize I would’ve said something but he was so secretive” Bart murmured while you let the sobs wrack your body. 

“All the nights he didn’t come home from the tower he was with her?” You began, pushing Bart away while you felt like tearing your hair out. “Every time he left me on read he probably wasn’t even the person I was texting” you continued spitting out the words in such a way that Bart was flinching at your delivery. “And now, when he needs a fucking reason to be out of Gotham he’s on a trip with her? Just leaving me here like it’s nothing? Like everything we had was just a fun little power trip for him?” you were yelling by now. 

“No- I mean yeah, Tim’s an idiot. But maybe it’s not true, maybe you just need to talk to him or something” Bart piped up, your head whipped around. “Yeah? Who am I gonna talk to? Mr. Taking My New Girlfriend On A Getaway Trip? You know he didn’t take me anywhere. Months. I begged for a day together and he was just too busy. He’s not too busy for her though, clearly she’s everything I’m not.” your anger was seeping from you slowly, the realization that every time he told you he was yours he was probably sharing rooms at the tower with her. “god FUCK how long has this been going on? It’s been like a month since he moved in to the tower- dammit! My friends told me this long distance bullshit doesn’t work but ‘oh y/n we’re perfect it’ll be fine! I’ll fly home all the time! We can call every night’ that turned out great didn’t it.” you felt the hot angry tears get replaced with the slow rolling tears that reminded you once again you weren’t good enough to be kept around.

“Do you- maybe- wanna talk to him?” Bart was clearly terrified of you but you appreciated his help. “B, what good is that gonna do? You know Tim as well as- better than me. He’ll give me a shitty excuse that it was ‘for the greater good’ or that I’m ‘just looking at it wrong’ you know he’s better with words than either of us he could run- dammit he has run circles around me like a fucking toy” you had begun scrolling through your phone wondering how many texts got copied and pasted to another text thread with someone he probably cared about more than you.

“So, what are you gonna do then?” Bart had sat next to you on the floor, letting you rest your head on his shoulder while you scrolled through text after text noticing every red flag or lazy text. “Y/n that’s not good to be looking at, you’ve gotta block him or something” Bart whispered, staring at your screen probably reading every message in slow motion. 

“It’s not just the messages I’ll be blocking” you whispered, letting the seething anger slide back in. In what Bart would describe as almost super human speed you began the descent to freedom, blocking, unfollowing, and deleting almost everything that was reminiscent of you and Tim. Then you got to your main instagram account. “Fuck it” you whispered, unfollowing him knowing that tabloids would be starting the smear campaign now. 

It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders at an immeasurable price- the price of heartbreak which you’ll be indebted to for a long time. 

~a week later~

“I have really got to buy myself some damn pajamas” you groaned to yourself, pushing down the little lovesick demon in your head that was telling you it was okay to keep sleeping in Tim’s hoodies and sweats because maybe he’ll apologize and you can take him back and be in love again and- not gonna happen. The celebrity magazines had been lurking near your apartment for days now, waiting to hear the newest gossip and find out what truly happened as you’d been radio silent- only adding to the interest of the paparazzi. As you realized you had to go outside today you prepared yourself for the onslaught of questions. 

“Y/N L/N WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU AND MR. DRAKE-WAYNE?” “MISS Y/N WHY THE UNFOLLOW?” “HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HIS RECENT POSTS? WHO IS THE MYSTERY GIRL?” you cringed at the last question, reminding yourself that his actions didn’t matter as he hadn’t truly been a part of your life for months. 

Before you could get into the black SUV waiting for you, you were stopped and trapped until you spoke into the microphone in front of you. “Anything you can give us on Tim Drake-Wayne and you?” you took a small breath, willing yourself to stay calm. “I’m sorry I simply just don’t know who that is” you smiled between your words, using the confused moment on the questioner’s face to slip into the car and drive off, finally letting you exhale the breath you’d been holding in. 

~two weeks later~

You almost threw up at the sound of a once familiar knock on your door. 

“Y/n, y/n I know you’re here let me in we’ve gotta talk” his voice pleaded from your hallway. After three deep breaths and promises to yourself to stay strong you opened the door. Tim looked normal, it was horrible. You had been fighting to look that normal and were barely holding together but here he was, wearing the shirt he wore the night he told you he loved you with the ever present stern look like nothing had ever gone wrong. He moved to come inside but you blocked his path. “We can talk out here. I don’t have much to say” you hissed, watching him sheepishly back off. “Y/n I just wanted a chance to explain and give my side and-” you cut him off. “Apologize. You’re here to apologize and if you aren’t you’d better leave now” you were screaming and sobbing and melting down internally but you held your composure. 

“Well, yeah, that too. But also we need to issue a public statement because yaknow it’s kinda been going so fast and I think if we could just sit down and work everything out we could stay on better terms because I am so sorry love” you flinched against your own will at the familiar nickname. You took a second to remind yourself that he was again just using his words to get the better of you, you were not going to fall for the same trick twice. “There’s no statement Tim, I’m not clearing your name or coming to your side- hell, I’m going to go work with fucking lexcorp so you won’t even have to worry about seeing me at the office. You and I are separate entities, you broke that relationship when you began the lies and the goddamn cheating, there’s no public statement I’d make that would put you in a better light you’re lucky as hell that this is all I’m saying got it?” you watched him flinch at your words and against all your control you could feel your body begging you to hug him and kiss away the pain like you’d done for months on months. 

“Y/n I want to apologize, I should’ve never- it- it was a lapse in judgement but I want to make it right” Tim pleaded, you watched his facade falter, like he truly felt sorry. “That’s great Tim, I’ll try to remember that when I remember all the nights you said you were stuck at the tower with work when you were with her okay? Sound good? You have a good one okay?” you feigned a smile, shutting the door and crumpling to the ground. 

You let yourself cry silently, burying your head in your hands. Your heart was heavy, it had been learning to beat on it’s own now, not to the beat of Tim’s and it hurt. But it was done? Not really. Not when you’re in the public eye, running a business that would eventually have to work with Wayne Ent. it wouldn’t ever truly be over. Your body was practically turning in on itself, your throat burning as you held in sobs, refusing to let anyone know how deeply this wound would scar. A scar so jagged and deep you feared if would keep your heart permanently broken. 

So how does it end? Because this was supposed to be the closure everyone said you needed. Where you give him a slap in the face for hurting you, telling him to ‘fuck off’ and instantly the pain subsides. But the pain was so intense and raw nothing felt soothing anymore. In a span of weeks you’d lost friends, hell- you’d lost family, and you’d lost love. Because no matter how hard you try to pry the words he said from your brain they creep back in. Nights when he’d call you from the Tower and explain how much he missed you and how perfect you were, days when you got texts about how he missed kissing every inch of your face, memories of the beautiful moments you’d had together that you figured you’d be telling your kids about. Those don’t just die with the relationship. They fester and they boil into your skin, they run through your veins, they flash in your head, reminding you that even when you gave every ounce of love you could muster you still weren’t enough. That’s what will forever stick. So it doesn’t every truly end does it?

Because you can’t burn away scares without leaving a deeper wound. And your wounds were deeper than you could fathom. Your wounds had just simply broken you. 

Tim Drake had broken you. 

So how the fuck do you get fixed?

[milky-maid-library]

I Am Sorry, Here is why:

Hello to smut writers on Tumblr,

My name is Milky and in the past others have known me as Miss Hush…and before that I was Shellberry. I intend on keeping Milky longest.

It’s something I really want to get off my page since I’m a desperate believe that kink is not a safe place for minors and minors need to stick to school and real world problems or pg+ 13 fanfiction.

I first signed up to AO3 in 2014. Let that sink in. My birthday is 3rd October 2001 (I’m a libra bishes). It was just after my 13th birthday I signed up to AO3 and began writing my first romance fanficitons under the name Shellberry WITH THE ABSOLUTE WORST PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR.

I began watching porn out of curiosity and discovered hardcore bdsm straight away. (Id like you all to note that I had never really used laptops until this point and time, I had started living with my grandparents at the start of 2013 after I ran away from my abusive household.) I was prone to this shit without guidance or anyone to tell me what I was doing was wrong. I also was told most of my life that I was “mature for my age” and believed that gave me a right to be viewing ‘adult content’. I then realised I loved reading and writing more and more than watching porn.

I came across my first Kidnapping/non-con fic and was blown away by the scariness and creativity in the plot. And I saw that smutty fics were getting a lot of attention in views and comments. As a victim of abuse I YEARNED for praise and attention… I then began a naughty habit of copyright in which I would steal and reword smut stories. One day I copied from a book called Mackenzie’s Mountain (still one of my favourite smutty books hehehe) and yea…. I was called out. It wasn’t long before I deleted my account. By this point it was 2016, I was now calling myself Miss Hush. And the habit vaguely continued, I tried writing the spy type genre with a fanfiction (still in my files) called A Game of Love.

Take note 2016, the presidential election was on. And I come from a incredibly conservative household and even though I lived in Australia….I cringe incredibly hard now….I was happy to call myself a trump supporter (but his propaganda is very convincing for young 14-15 year old me). I am no longer a trump supporter as of early 2020. I really started to talking to other people and realising that oh my god I’m a sheltered country mouse without realising it. Where does this play? Well I have been a Christian by choice since I was nine years old….and in 2016 I felt that writing fanfictions were dirty and wrong and if I continued to watch porn or think too sexually before marriage, I would be going to hell…. SO my writing floundered a lot and I couldn’t keep up with my updating promises. It continued to be like this until I gave up in 2018, I stopped writing for a very very, very long time…and then I confessed to a adult smut writer my true age and they were quick to explain to me what I was doing was wrong and needed to be rethought out. SO I deleted my account again.

2019 I came back but organised and under the name Milky Maid no more editing and claiming peoples fanfictions. I was still a minor, aged 17. I vaguely held that “Im told im mature its ok” mentality in my head. I started Yo hoe ho and A Lesson In service, both with girls around 16-19 (I need to recheck their ages).

I’m taking those fics down btw because they need editing and I just don’t feel comfortable with the way I left hem uncompleted.

The year is 2021, I am now 19 and I have upbranded myself to Milky Maid Library. So why am I confessing all of this?

Because of shame. I feel terrible that for so long I’ve lied or made myself appear innocent? I think a apology is due to every adult that I lied to back in the day (what’s ironic is I would say “I’m 19” but now I am actually 19 which is crazy and makes me feel old and embarrassed of kid me). I am sorry to you all, I am sorry to those who I stole from…not that I actually remember the names which could be seen as worse. I am sorry that I attempt to be a high and mighty wise woman when I have coincidentally been in the spot of those I disapprove of. I am ashamed I didn’t stop and live my life appropriately. I am sorry that I gave false hope to readers that didn’t realise I was writing porn and essays at the same time.

I need to make this clear, I don’t believe minors should interact with adults. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from entering this realm too early. I am sorry I did this. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone, but I could have possibly.

I will be sending this post to those who I remember talking too. This needs to be confronted, I want to make amends….lol look at me being Bucky…

Thankyou to all that have read this post, I will not be surprised of have any ill feelings to those who want to unfollow, comment/reply critiquing my choices.

[meltalks]

my experience with addy / hiqey

i’ve contemplated posting my history with addy/hiqey for awhile now. my friends have encouraged me to do so, but due to her stance in the rpc i was always far too scared to do so. with all that is coming to light with her recently, not only is a huge weight off my shoulders as far as comfortably roleplaying as my escape, but knowing i’m not alone. my story with addy dates back to about september 2018. i do warn you this will be long, and i’ll try to include enough details to make it make sense while not dragging things on and on. this includes both my personal relationship with addy, as well as my experience with her in groups one where she she was an admin, and groups where i was an admin. as well as i believe we coadmined one together. i’ve put screenshots where i could, but some of this dates back to 2018 and i just don’t have access to those texts/rp accounts anymore.

a huge huge shout out to @bumkeyz for starting this avalanche, and for also supporting me one on one along with all my friends to feel safe enough to come forward. i’ll put all of my story under a read more. 

i’m going to start this by saying, my name is mel/melanie. you may have heard of me because back when addy was on rpslayed she wasn’t a big fan of me for awhile. predominantly my group the cape(?) the main isn’t up anymore so i can’t remember the exact @. i’m 21 years old, i will be 22 this month. i am married & i have a 3 year old daughter. this is information i don’t normally tell people i’m married / have a child, because well, i just feel a little judged. not because anything anyone has specifically done or said, but my own anxieties worried that people will think it’s weird to be married with a child and still in twitter rp. but it is important to my story with addy, which is why i’m letting everyone know right off the bat. 

i met addy in a group called producers. this group is from september 2018, so i’m not able to access anything right now, but am digging. i played (feel free to clown me) a g-eazy character named pierce. addy played a carlson young who’s name i can’t quite recall, and a gracie abrams named lolly. lolly & pierce became friends first & at some point we exchanged phone numbers. lolly & pierce flirted a lot, pierce was a player yada yada. eventually she ended up getting a different ship on lolly & pushed her carlson young onto pierce. pierce had a different love interest & didn’t end up going for her. this should’ve been the first negative sign/red flag. when pierce didn’t get with her character, she got very short & snarky ic and ooc. i believe both of her characters blocked me ic. even though pierce had made no ic promises to either to not be with someone else. we still maintained some level of friendship, but she was extremely weird about when i mentioned my ship. our friendship ended for a few months because of an incident that started ic between me and another character. the mun who played this character and i had bonded ooc over having been pregnant, we talked somewhat often about her dealings with her pregnancy. so i felt close enough/friendly enough with this mun that when something happened with her character & another character ic i dm’ed her to see if she was ok .long story short it went bad. i texted addy and told her that. i explained that i felt as if this mun & i were close and it was like dm’ing a friend. she held onto the fact that i shouldn’t have messaged her. when i didn’t immediately conform to her thought she kicked me out of the group. i was literally devastated. i loved that group, that character, my ship; all of it. she blocked me. though this story is 2 paragraphs long, it’s minor in the grand scheme of things. after this she smeared me on rpslayed for months until our paths crossed again in a group called glitches/glitch? we decided to squash our beef. this was december 2019.

in december 2019 we became friends again. honestly, i wish we never crossed paths. we got very close right away. she started telling me about a bad friendship she had, with someone we mutually knew from producers who i will not name since it’s not my place to put their name in this, and gained my sympathy. so much so that i ended a friendship with that person based solely on accusations that addy had told me. this is something that i can now realize i did wrong. i literally cussed this person out on the phone, solely based off things addy told me. i didn’t listen to someone who had been my friend for months, who defended me and picked me up when addy was tearing me down on rpslayed. i turned my back because addy convinced me to. she made this person seem awful. and again, i’m not naming them, but they know exactly who they are. and when thy do read this, i’m sorry.

now this is where things get out of hand. addy & i begun an intimate relationship. this is very personal, and i know some may pass judgment. but my husband was cool with it. addy also began talking to my husband, they texted. we had a groupchat. not to get into details about the relationship, but it was romantic. i am going to try and organize my thoughts. into themes.

money

this relationship lasted from about january ish to april romantically. i became addy’s crutch. she began going through personal issues with her family. and i started sending her money. to be frank i don’t remember how it started. i helped her with a job search, supporting her through these tough things that were going on. the money started casually i suppose. it was $10 for lunch. $25 for nails. but then it got worse. i bought her a phone. and slowly she grew more entitled to my money. asking for it. demanding it. guilting me when i didn’t give it. i lied to her and told her i lost my credit card and turned it off, but the guilt i had i told her that i could turn it on when she needed it. in screenshots i will post below she guilted me because i was sick and fell asleep before turning my card on. whether what she’s saying occured is true or not, it was just one example of how she made me feel. at one point she had my credit card on her uber, and charged nearly $400 of ubers on my credit card that i didn’t know about. she claimed it was an accident, because i let her put my card on her account under the agreement that she would turn it off. we had an agreement of what she would pay me back, some things that i got her were gifts and i didn’t want/need back. other things it was always an agreement she would pay me back. however whenever i would mention sending me a payment she had an excuse. one time even guilting me by reminding me how much better i have it than she does. all in all i spent / sent upwards of $2500/$3000 on her. only about $1500/$1800 i wanted back. i never saw a dime back, she never made good on her promises. at some point i gave up on asking.

ETA: as far as the uber situation goes, she did apologize and state that it was never on purpose when i found out that there was nearly $500 in charges. she said she thought she was charging her moms card. this shows a photo of 1 page of a 5 page statement of all the transactions put on my card by her in one month. there are only 6 of these transactions that were me. all of the ubers and venmo were her. i didn’t make her take off my card, which in hindsight was obviously a very bad decision. i just didn’t want to leave her stranded without ways to get home/where she needed to be. 

this is her demanding money. this was in the summer. at this point i was so manipulated by her/scared of her/scared of losing her that i didn’t know how to say no. in this instance i deflected with a picture of my child. screen shot.

in the screenshots here, this is where i fell asleep. i was on vacation and got extremely dehydrated in the sun. i literally felt so sick and she made me feel guilty for falling asleep. X X X 

this screenshot shows one of the times i actually asked her when she would repay me. at this point my credit card was nearly maxed out from ubers and sending her money. i was anxious about it and she made me feel bad for asking because her situation was worse than mine. this was the same day she asked me for $250 for a down payment on her car. X asking for money. X making me feel bad for asking when she’s gonna pay.

literally to this day im still in credit card debt because of this. yes i make good money, yes my husband does too. but credit card debt is hard and everyone knows it. i do fine for myself, but i don’t have hundreds extra to pay this down. 

also, i cannot locate the bank screenshot. but as recent as this february, six months since she spoke to me, she still had my card on her uber and usted it again. i can’t find the screenshot of the actual of the bank transaction because i’ve completely had to close that account for fraud and transfer my balance to a new card. but here is a screenshot from february 12 where i tell my friends i caught her doing it. X .

manipulation in groups/related to groups

orbis. i ran a group called orbis, it was a reality show group. addy was one of my friends who really wanted me to open it. all of my groups i’ve adminned i’m the lead. i just always take on that roll so i do get very busy with them on top of my real life. i work full time and i’m a mom so i spread myself thin.she made me feel really guilty for this, saying i wasn’t giving her enough time, she wasn’t anyones dog. so i posted my unfollow. then she told me i was stupid for doing that. so i deleted my unfollow. then she said that me deleting my unfollow showed that i didn’t really care how she felt. screens. X X

lumeer. very similar situation to above. only this time i left the group completely for about 3 weeks. i called my coadmin crying about what she was doing to me, sent her the psds and templates for grpahics and left fully, though i helped them out if issues arose/they needed anything. 

impulse. this was recently and this got brought to the tags. im going to copy & paste what i sent to bumkeyz as far as the story goes for what happened.

“ what happened in impulse is only one of several examples of addy being awful in groups i've adminned. this goes back to our friendship but specifically here's what happened in impulse. addy played a character named briar, the other characters involved were as mentioned in other posts loki & khalil (fai fc). one of he first days of the group khalil hooked up with both loki & briar. when the "updates" account posted about loki & khalil's hook up (we posted any and all plot drops that were sent in, it was a reality show so we consistently updated what the cameras caught), briar got upset on main. addy then messaged khalil's mun ooc and asked for the plot to be erased. essentially because she didn't like that khalil had hooked up with both her and another girl in the same day/same manor. as odd of a request as i was the khalil mun agreed to wipe it & asked that if there was anything that ever came up again that made addy uncomfortable to please not hesitate to dm. addy then softblocked khalil. which is strange. why soft block with briar's reason to dislike khalil has been wiped? that night addy posted on her personal tumblr hiqey "i forgot all fai khadra fcs are weirdos" or soemthing along that line. the khalil mun reasonably got uncomfortable with that, but was softblocked & didn't tell the main. they just ignored it since their characters weren't interacting now. for the next few days addy continued to shade khalil and loki on main, despite any ic reason for disliking them being wiped. loki then approached briar IN CHARACTER asking what was wrong/why she was shading/why they didn't like her. i don't know all the details of that conversation, but i know it ended with loki saying she was going to block briar & briar saying that was fine. bear in mind the admins had no idea any of this was happening at this point. addy then dmed the main, playing victim. after more shading of khalil, khalil's mun decided to block briar as well. addy despite wiping this plot and having 0 ic communication with khalil continued to shade the characters ic. so addy dmed the main playing innocent. asking for us to have them unblock, saying she had no idea why they blocked or what she did. as admins we had no idea why either, figured it was something ic so we dmed both muns. khalil's mun agreed after some hestiation, and asked if they had to follow her and i said no. they didn't elaborate. loki's mun however refused, & i'm glad she did because she told us what was going on. of course once we were told everyting we didn't make her unblock. up until we told addy that we were not going to make those muns unblock her, she was extremely sweet to us. she praised us on her rpt. said she loved the group. fed the main compliments. but when she didn't get her way out of us, and was essentially told on, she started causing issues on the timeline with different characters. she sent us a dm on the main telling us to "learn how to handle your group melanie" and deactivated before i could get a chance to reply. “

what i didn’t tell bumkeyz is that deejay/rpslayed played khalil. another example of addy’s manipulation is that when she saw deejay getting anons she followed deejay and texted her after several months of no communication, starting to tell her side of the story and play innocent -- not knowing that deejay was the person who was behind khalil the entire time. she made khalil out to be the bad guy, not knowing that it was deejay. after finding out deejay and i were friends, when deejay posted on rpslayed for people to follow me shortly after trying to get deejay on her side, addy blocked us both (again). 

manipulation between friends (?)

i don’t really know a great way to title this, but this is similar to the situation i mentioned with the unnamed person above -- how addy made me think that person was the worst so i would stop being friends with them. this is a few more examples of that.

the entire time i was friends with addy, she told me that deejay hated me. she told me that deejay was convinced that i was this person who tried to get her kicked out of a group. she told me that she did her very best to convince deejay that it wasn’t true, but no matter what she did deejay just hated me. nearly a year later deejay and i cross paths in a group. we started talking ooc and i mentioned this. i asked her why she thought that was me. we found out that basically, while addy was telling me she was trying to convince deejay it wasn’t me, she was telling deejay that it was me. she would also tell me personal information about deejay that i had no business knowing, whether it be real life information or just telling me the groups deejay adminned when she knew deejay didn’t want anyone knowing. 

i have found out recently that addy has recently been telling people a lie about when she came to visit me. on one evening when she visited me in june of 2019, we went to my friend’s house. we both drank, and smoked. i am someone who neither drinks nor smokes, and i got a very bad mix from it. my anxiety sky rocketed. i was crying on my friends couch practically paralyzed. i didn’t want to move. i felt sick. i felt scared. my friends were going to drive us back to my house and shortly before we were about to walk out addy said she needed to go to the hospital. my friend’s boyfriend drove her there, and when he came back they took me home. this night is very blurry for me. i remember barely being able to see straight, my friend helped me walk to and from the car. addy has told her friends that i refused to pick her up from the hospital that night, and i’ve now heard this from two of her close friends. when in reality, i was so far gone that not only was i sick and scared, but i couldn’t see straight. i had absolutely no ability to be behind a wheel. i’m not surprised she twisted this against me.

i provided a few people screenshots where addy was telling me to block them/trying to convince me that they were awful and hurting me. at the same time that addy was telling me this, she was doing the opposite to them -- to keep us apart. i believe this is some sort of power. always wanting to be everyones number one.

i don’t have a lot of screenshots for this, so i won’t go into much detail, but i can say on more than one occasion, or more than five or ten she told me who to and not to be friends with. told me to block people who had been our friends who were no longer friends with her. 

flat out manipulation.

i don’t want to go back through my texts too much honestly. it’s still a sore spot. it still sucks and it still hurts. but i think anyone and everyone involved with addy at some point or another has similar stories about the way she treats her friends. there were points where i begged. begged and begged her not to leave me. i can’t even count how many times she blocked and unblocked me. how many times she made me feel the worst and then came back. she came back because she knw i was there. and that my generosity was practically endless. i couldn’t say no to her, frankly i can’t say no to anyone. if anyone dmed me today and said hey i need $15 for a ride home. i’d probably send it. that’s just how i am. addy completely had me wrapped around her finger. to the point that i left friends who were good to me. i left my own groups i worked hard on. i nearly ended my engagement (which cannot be entirely blamed on her, but the relationship she and i had was built off lots of manipulation). i know that i could go find 100 screenshots and texts of her manipulating me but honest i just don’t want to do that to myself again. she has made me out to be the villain to anyone she can. i have had 2 different people tell me that she told them i say the n word, which is the furthest thing from the truth. i fear the things she’s said about me to people. if she can 100% make something up, what can she twist from actual arguments or issues we had? 

i know this sounds like a lot of rambling for nothing. but for nearly two years i’ve lived in fear in the rpc of addy. less so when we were friends. i’ve feared telling my side because i felt invalid. frankly even as i type this im scared. scared she’s already convinced everyone i’m awful and no one will read this or care. i just am thankful that this finally came to light. i am glad that i won’t feel scared anymore. roleplay is my one place to be free. as a mother, a full time worker, i don’t have a lot of time for hobby’s and frankly i don’t have a lot of them. i don’t draw, or read. i like to write. and i’m just thankful this can finally be lifted off me.

[xseildnasterces]

eraser.

I sit here wearing a black and purple tartan jumper with moons on the wrist, black pyjama bottoms covered in witchy symbolism, ghosts and skulls. Behind me is a TNBC blanket and in front of me is a stars and moons blanket with the star signs carefully weaved within the stars. This is me. This is part of me and something that has felt like ‘me’ for such an incredibly long time. I don’t really know where the gothy, witchy thing came from. It almost feels as though it has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. The fashion, the music, the community. Everything about it has been an incredibly huge part of my being. More so during my teenage years when they were an even more important part of my identity. 

Therapy today revolved around Marilyn Manson. A man, a band and a community that helped to forge my fashion sense, my music taste and who I was as a teenager. Even typing his name right now fills me with a peculiar feeling. A certain degree of unease, of anger and also of upset and pain. Indeed it may seem incredibly strange to have feelings like this regarding a famous person. Yet, this famous person is someone who growing up made me feel like me. He created this world that allowed me to be myself, to not worry about being a ‘weirdo’, a ‘freak’ or one of the ‘others’. I felt like he created a world in which all the people like me felt like they were part of something. It was a place where the weirdos were celebrated and the strange and the odd were the majority. Marilyn Manson was a huge part of my teenage years. It was his music I would sit and listen to when I wanted to shut the world out and play something loud, it was his music that I would crank up when my dad's friends were around at our house and I wanted to piss them off, and it was his music that presented me with gigs to go to that I could dress up and present in the most gothy way I wanted and feel safe. I felt safe at his gigs. I guess that’s slightly ironic now considering the allegations. If I am honest, I don’t know how to feel about any of it. I almost feel like my teenage years are now somewhat tainted.

When I saw the first accusation yesterday, I must admit that I almost wasn’t sure if I believed it. That makes me a terrible feminist I think. Another part of my identity that I feel incredibly passionate about. I was so shocked, genuinely confused and couldn’t believe what I was reading, but as more and more accusations came out I began to realise that it wasn’t some one off thing that was being taken out of proportion - it was true. This man that I had grown up idolising was an abuser, and an abuser of many kinds at that. A domestic abuser, a sexual and violent abuser, someone who did not care for consent, someone who I did not recognise in the man that is still displayed on the wall of my teenage bedroom. 

As I sat reading through all the allegations yesterday, I also noticed that I was the only one of my friends that was still following him on Instagram. Within a few hours of the allegations becoming public everyone had unfollowed. I am not saying it was wrong of them to do so, but it really put at the forefront of my mind the way that cancel culture works and just how toxic it is. I still follow him on Instagram, I haven’t quite cut the tie yet. It sounds stupid, but it’s almost like cutting off a period of my life. I explained all of this to my therapist who understood and didn’t think I was going mad. I talked about how it almost concerned me that people may look at his profile and see that I still follow him and believe that I support him and that I do not believe these women that have come forward. That is not true. I guess I am just not ready yet to cut the cord. I will be, at some point, but right now it all still feels so surreal. 

I guess as I have gotten older, as much as I still thought he was cool and enjoyed keeping up-to-date with what he was doing, but it also became somewhat more about the music I enjoyed. I feel sorry for members of the band who are not responsible for what this man has done, yet will be tied up with the whole scenario because they were part of the band. In fact, Marilyn Manson is the band, not just one person. By unfollowing does that mean I no longer support the others in the band? What does it mean? I feel conflicted and I feel confused, but believe me, I do not support him as a person. 

Noone can deny that musically he was a success, but can we separate the man from the music? That is the question. A question that has been asked many times over the years when similar or more horrific allegations have come out about numerous other people in the public eye - regardless of whether they have been proven (Ian Watkins), of they haven’t (Michael Jackson). I feel a little lost. Can I, or should I still listen to the music? Can I feel a loss that I will most likely never go to one of his concerts again? Can I feel sad that every time I see the T-Shirts, the CD’s and the vinyl's I have of him/them that I now associate it with something much darker than the darkness that I appreciated him for?

Something that has upset and frustrated me on reading some news reports on this topic is how they have described Marilyn Manson's make-up and/or clothing as ‘silly’, or how some people have referred to his artwork and image as ‘disturbing’ or ‘distasteful’. These things are incredibly subjective. Hearing these comments make me feel sad. I feel sad because I am/was one of those people who dressed in ‘silly’ clothes and wore ‘silly’ make-up. It wasn’t silly to me. And it wasn’t silly to the many other people who used their make-up and clothing as a form of self-expression. I also think that describing his artwork as ‘disturbing’ is insulting. Again, this is subjective. Why does art therapy exist if we are not allowed or able to pour out our darkest and innermost thoughts onto a piece of paper? It makes me angry that as always with anything like this, people boil comments down to the fact he committed such horrendous crimes because he was goth, or because he liked the ‘darker side of life, art or music.’ What you listen to, how you dress, or how you draw or paint does not mean you are a monster. I am not denying that these allegations deem him to be a monster, but it did not come from the art of how he chose to express himself through clothing, music or make-up. I worry that this will become an attack of the alternative community. I worry that it will become our community that will receive the brunt of this - that we must all be like that, we must all be disgusting people or not ‘normal’ in a way that means we support him and what he has done. Again, as I said, I do not support him in these things at all, but I truly hate music and self-expression being used as topics to fire at. Neither of these things are an explanation for the behaviour he has been accused of. Music and art do not create a bad person, the bad person is there whether they drive around listening to Ariana Grande, Beyoncé or Marilyn Manson. The ‘alternative’ lifestyle does not become the deciding factor in whether you are good or evil. I want people to know that this is one man, this is not everyone in this community. Not everyone that wears thick black eyeliner, wears big boots and dresses all in black whilst listening to gothic music is an abuser, and I just do not want it to become some sort of target. 

Those MM gigs I attended growing up were some of the best I have been to. Walking in and feeling like I belonged. I felt like I had ‘found my people’. I didn’t look out of place, I fit in. I was like everyone else. People were so nice, everyone moved and sang and just enjoyed the music. I used to love walking through Manchester after a gig and just seeing the streets filled with goths, punks and every other alternative persona that people would take on or be. It was just the best feeling, and one that I shall not only miss, but cherish. We did not know. We did not have any idea what was going on behind the scenes. We did not hurt anyone. We did not support what was going on. We did not know.

I also think it is incredibly important to note that he is not the first, and he sure as hell will not be the last. The amount of famous men that have done many of the same things MM is being accused of, and some much worse is insane. I think people may also be shocked at how many allegations are out there about their favourite singer, their idol and the lead singer of that band that they go see every year. At a time when my parents were younger, this sort of behaviour was almost deemed normal. It was okay. It was accepted. People turned their heads. Women were abused all the time. Women were men’s play things. That was the life women had. Thankfully, this is no longer the norm, although of course it is still somewhat part of being female. 

I feel conflicted, confused and I’ve babbled on for far too long. Do I love MM’s music? Yes I do. Do I still love MM as a person? No, I sure as hell do not.

[Blog title: Eraser - Nine Inch Nails].

[k347]

A little note for all the wonderful people who are taking a moment out of their precious time to visit this little online space I created...

(I felt the need to write this because of some 'not so great' anon asks I've been getting ever since I started here and also because I've witnessed several of both, the good and bad fandom meltdowns in these couple of years)

From My Heart To Yours-

If it isn't clear to you by the kind of things I post or if you are new to this page, let me clarify it in one single sentence. This Is A Stucky+Evanstan Blog. There will always be mostly (if not all) evanstan and stucky content posted here. If you are uncomfortable with the ship, feel free to filter the 'evanstan' / 'rpf'/ stucky tags. I completely understand why it can be bothersome, icky for people, why some of you might disapprove of it. I acknowledge, respect and understand your views, feelings and opinions, I truly do. All I am asking out of you is to not be disrespectful, dissmissive about those of mine. Please understand that you don't have to see the things/content you don't want to on your dash. The block and unfollow buttons, options for filtering tags are there for a reason. Feel free to use them if you are uncomfortable with a blog or person (including me). It'll be taking the high road and bowing out gracefully if you make a habit of using these available options instead of passing around judgements and unnecessarily cruel critisism about people whom you've never even met/ know nothing about.

Personally I adore both of these Fandom Ships. I have for a long time. But it doesn't mean I don't support you if you love/are a part of some other fandom. I don't mean to disrespect or hinder any of the other ships even if they are regarding these same characters. I try and make sure to not intrude on anyone's creative space and expect that the same attitude & decency will be returned.

This blog is my way of letting out, expressing all that love, adoration I feel. I strive to be more creative with my thoughts, my way of expression as a person with each passing day. And being a part of this fandom helps me immensely with that. I've met some amazing people online because of this. Made good friends. It is a very dear thing to me. I have talked to folks who've experienced online hate from unreasonable, anonymous sources, I've also experienced a fair share of it myself. As someone who is a psychology-enthusiast-&-student-for-life, I can assure you the (good/casual/neutral/bad/hateful) things you say to or about people leave their impacts. Not just on them, but on you too. It might seem insignificant or small, irrelevant even; but it does change the way your thoughts work in daily life. Be careful and stop before you train your mind to naturally focus more on the bad things about other people rather than the good ones. So again, I kindly request you to not be mean or hurtful to anyone you meet online (or even in real life, actually.) Offering disrespect and negativity never made anything better in the history of ever.

Lastly I would like to give my two cents about another issue (that I feel can get really toxic if we are not careful) with the fandom culture. I have made no secret of the fact that I am a fan of Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans. Yes, I have and will always post a lot of appreciation posts about them (solo and together), their works and projects, some old tbt moments. You will even find imagines, headcanons, theories, fanfics about them along with the ones about the fictional characters they have played/continue to play.

But that doesn't mean I am going to act delusionally and ignore/ unacknowledge the fact that both of them are their own person. Two actual, real human beings. I don't mean to project any of this content that I am creating on them and their lives. Making anybody uncomfortable is not my intention behind doing this, not at all. I prefer to look at it this way- "This is a world that I've created in my own mind. For fun and entertainment. Sort of like an AU. Parallel Timeline. But please understand that the stories, theories, things I'll post and write on here are pure conjecture, a lot of speculations. Hypothesis and supposition. I don't want to lose the grasp on reality and be drawned in it too much or completely, up to the point at which violation of real people's boundaries starts to become a usual routine and doesn't feel wrong."

I do not agree with the mentality of blaming, hating on people/past partners in their lives for no other apparent reason than the fact that 'they know my favs'. I completely agree that there are actions and things which people need to be held accountable for at times. Yes, you can talk about it with me but please try and remain respectful (if not that, at least be decent enough) toward all the parties involved.

Even though we as fans have invested a lot of our time, creative efforts and emotions in these two men; It does not mean they owe us, or need to explain every part of their personal/professional lives.

Please remember and don't let it be hard for you to accept the fact that these two people are not the exact fanfic versions of themselves that you read about on tumblr, they are not some experminted and perfected, flawless personalities that you've created in your own minds. It is possible for humans to mess up at times. It is only natural. Don't judge people based only on their worst mistakes, or more precisely the negative stuff you read 'online' (which 9/10 times is pure speculation and made up. fake. not facts.) Chris and Seb do not need to cater to every whim and need of the fans, they do not need to make decisions based on what people feel about them online. They can and should do whatever they want to with their lives without having to experience judgement and public scrutiny about every little step taken. Please stop putting celebrities on a pedestal and measuring them up to some impossible, unrealistic standards. If you feel too much devastation, hurt over some action of your 'fav', my advice would be to take a step back. Relax. Distance yourself from the Fandom for a bit. Do not let the 'stanning' consume you, your behaviour, rational thought process and most importantly don't let it ruin your kindness.

I love the analogy that there lives a good and a bad wolf inside every human being. Your reactions, response to things, all of it depends on which wolf you decide to feed and empower at the given moment. Choose kindness. Choose gentler responses. Choose Love over Hatred. Always.

I think the lovely @musette22 (who btw, is one of the most compassionate, talented and creative people I've met here, because of our shared love for these boys 💙) voiced this thing better than I ever could.

My apologies, if the note got too long and too deep for your liking.

I promise I am not always this boring and 'let-me-lecture-you' kind of a person 😂

On this Blog you'll also find-

A lot of silly Ramblings, Scribbles and Rants

Lot of terrible jokes and puns (you know the kind where they are so bad that they're good😅)

Fluff and smut

Q and A with the anons.

AUs

Speculations, ideas and a lot of gushing

Reblogs from all these great, talented, amazing people in the fandom

A lot of 'Marvel' things

Incorrectly placed correct quotes

Sometimes extreme use of emoticons and gifs

😂♥️😄🔥😜👻💌💦💪😇🤷

Running commentary, discussions about newly released information, keeping tracks, meltdowns, breakdowns, again rambling! , ocassional full doses of sarcasm

Sometimes going 'too much in detail' 😉

My attempts at writing stuff

A lot of content for Evanstan and Stucky

Drawing parallels, a lot of 'connecting the dots' between Chris and Seb content. Weaving the pieces of informations together.

Headcanons and stories inspired from that.

Low key, actually at times very very high key roasting of Endgame.

Lots and lots of love + appreciation showered on the movies in Captain America Triology.

Getting nostalgic and adoring the good old memories, Celebrating the present moments and Wishing for many more happy ones in the future.

All of you are very welcome here!

My ask box is always open for anyone and everyone who is interested. Send asks, questions, prompts, requests, suggetions, your ideas, theories anytime you want.

I am always up for conversations and discussions.

Lots of Love,

@k347

💙

[anothertroy]

Have you read the TRC sequels? I remember you posting a lot about The Raven Cycle back in the day.

oof. hi anon, are you my lovely TRC anon of old? it’s possible I had more than one of those, to be fair, on account of anonymousness :x but if you are, hi! you are still one of the best things about the very weird experience of being in that fandom. we were in fact talking about these sequels just the other day, and the short answer is that no, I haven’t read them and I am probably unlikely to ever read them. I will put the long answer under a cut where if you want to you can read my whole feelings about this thing. they are not happy feelings :|

it’s a shame. once upon a time I would have been so lightning strike excited to know that these books were going to have sequels. more time spent with some characters I’d come to love like family! who doesn’t want that? but that seems like such a long, long time ago now. I don’t think I’ve ever endured a combination of betrayal by creator + betrayal by fandom to anywhere near the same extent as this horrible, surreal mess.

I read the first three books of TRC feeling like I was being put through something like cleansing fire, like, I don’t think I’d felt this ~seen~ and ~understood~ by a book series in years - not just the people in the books but also the way they were written, thought processes I recognised and figured almost nobody else understood, ways of talking about trauma and generally being fucked up that were more familiar to me than media usually manages at all, etc etc. these beautiful children came to live with me and I sent messages to The Author saying how amazing I thought x or y thing in the books was, and she sent me messages back and I was like, this is THE BEST

but like. I can’t begin to explain how brutal and demoralising I was also finding the fandom at the same time. every time I went in anyone’s tag, there would be stuff glorifying Kavinsky as some sort of misunderstood badass gay representation or ship mixes with him in them or graphics about his bad boy good looks or whatever the christ fuck, as well as the people complaining that Adam was ‘a bad bisexual because Reasons’, which was a whole different alley of despair down which I wandered in bewildered alarm. I still have waking nightmares about some of the fic people wrote about Kavinsky, particularly the ones where Adam slept with him because...??? because he was poor and was being paid to? because he was poor and that meant he didn’t have standards? because he was poor and somehow thus Kavinsky was meant to understand him better than anyone else did????? and also, more than any others, the fic where Kavinsky sexually assaulted Gansey in a bathroom at Aglionby. like I literally think about that fic once a month and cry because it was so fucking horrible and I was seeing shit like this every. single. day and I had to unfollow SO MANY PEOPLE

because every time I thought I was safe following someone and they were all ‘OT5! yay!’ then suddenly a graphic would pop up or a fanmix and they’d start being like, well, he was a poor misunderstood soul who didn’t mean to hurt anyone and he had a bad childhood and so deserves redemption anyway here’s my AU where he comes back from the dead or never died so he can have a cute gay relationship with [it literally doesn’t matter who because every single possibility is BAD. BAD. BAD BAD BAD. DON’T DATE A RAPIST!!! don’t date somebody who literally created you as an empty sex doll I’m gonna blow a fucking gasket just thinking about this christ almighty]

so, like, that was happening, and for a while it felt like The Author was in the same position about all that as I was, just being like, nope, he’s evil. nope, he’s dead. nope, you’re all wrong. nope, Adam is a real teenager just figuring out his sexuality and he doesn’t need all your weird labels and feelings pasted onto him. and that was bearable. but then things started to get weird with her, too. idk if you remember that whole absolutely bizarre thing where she was like, it’s gross and disturbing to me if you write about these characters being in physical relationships because they’re teenagers and my books are for teenagers and teens doing Things with each other is gross and bad??? because that was. a trip. and also a bad sign.

and idk what happened man but the fourth book, which I have still actually not personally read on account of wanting to spare myself the actual misery of dragging my way through it, is just like...How Can I Ruin Everything I Have Created. like How Can I Tell My Fans I Hate Them, Specifically. How Can I Finish This Series That Means A Lot To People By Destroying Everything They Loved. I could get into all the things I find actively despicable about it but that’s probably not worth doing here right now, the point is, I hate and hurt over every decision she made about what to do with everyone. about everything. 

so reading the sequels was probably never gonna happen anyway but when it came up in conversation the other week I went to read the plot of the first one out of morbid curiosity and I was just like...so upset and so angry just reading the plot that I def do not want to put myself, or these beautiful kids who still live with me, through a single page of it. we have our own sequel, where they’re just living their lives and doing the best they can to figure out where to go from here, and sometimes Ronan makes dinner for me and Adam helps me clean the bathroom and Gansey cries at nature documentaries. I like our party better.

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 83

First, and most importantly: Happy Transgender Day of Visibility! To anyone who was given the wrong gender at birth, I see you and you are safe here.

If you don’t read further because of that? Well.... I don’t want you reading my stuff. The Ark is welcoming and loving. So.

If you are still with me: I actually had to start a second google doc for the story, just to continue with this chapter.... It’s mind blowing that I’ve gotten so far.  With everything going on in the world at the moment, this story has been a great escape and something worth carving out time for.

THAT SAID... Please don’t hesitate to send me asks, messages, or submissions.  I love hearing new ideas, or having the chance to talk about the things that just don’t make it on the page. Even if your ask/message/submission isn’t story related, shoot it on over.

Thanks for this chapter goes out to a whole host of people: @satan-parisienne, @baelpenrose, @zommbiebro, and @charlylimph-blog (I don’t care how often this site unfollows me from you, I will chase you down!). I genuinely don’t think I could have created so much, so consistently, without all of you.

Charly and I chose to walk to Xiomara’s office rather than take a transport.  Even though I was a bit shaken by what happened with Jokull, the exercise gave us both an opportunity to burn off nervous energy.  By the time we arrived, both of us were calmer and had our thoughts together.

Once access was granted, the door slid aside to reveal not just Xiomara, but Tyche.  I wasn’t sure if Xiomara wanted her to hear what happened, given how much stress my fellow Councillor placed on secrecy for her operation. “I need to report an incident involving Jokull Bjornson.”

My glance at my sister was met with a scoff. “Do you really think I believe you won’t tell her what happened?” Xiomara stared me down like I was an idiot.  “First things first: are either of you ladies injured?”

I shook my head carefully, while Charly grinned sheepishly. “See, here’s the thing - “

“Charly Harper, why is there blood in your mouth?” Xio’s eyes darkened as she leaned forward intently.

A hand flew up to cover the younger woman’s mouth as her eyes got wide. “Oops…” She started fidgeting with the strings on her sweatshirt. “We were minding our own business, I swear, just walking along, and - he’s so rude!  Obviously he could see Sophia wasn’t paying attention, so he stood in front of her, because he’s rude.” She started gesturing frenetically, like she was reenacting the events.  “I pulled her out of the way so we could just go on minding our own business, like we were, but he kept stepping in front of her, and then he kind of sideways called her stupid and refused to use her title like the sexist pig I bet he is, and then he, I dunno, hit on me? It was gross.” I nodded and shrugged, making her wince.  “But anyway, Sophia tried to stop him and then he was so mean and all standing over her, and I thought he was going to hit her so I shoved her out of the way, and I was right, because he hit me instead, and I may have.. I mean, I did obviously - “ she gestured at her mouth “ - but I only remember his clavicle, not his arm, and - “

“For the love of life, please take a breath,” Xiomara interrupted, throwing her hands in the air.  “What did you do?”

Before she could respond, I cut to the chase. “She bit the shit out of him. Twice.” I ignored Tyche’s snort and turned to Charly. “I thought he hit you after you bit him?”

“Well yeah, then too, but he hit me the first time trying to punch you.”

“I didn’t see that part,” I murmured.

“Duh. You were on the ground, silly.”

The sound of a cleared throat brought us back to the task at hand. “So, you were approached by a suspected cult leader, who seems to have instigated an altercation, and Miss Harper’s first reaction was to bite him?”

“No, I told you, I pushed Sophia out of the way first.”

There was the slightest upward twitch in Xiomara’s mouth. “And you say you were provoked?”

“Yes! He tried to hit Sophia, and hit me instead! I was protecting her.”

“She’s capable of defending herself.”

“And? You wouldn’t ask Tyche these questions.”  Charly stared Xiomara down, frowning.

I had no idea what was going on here.  We came to report something that might be relevant to the operation to infiltrate the cult… Why did it seem like it was turning into Charly being grilled?

The silent tension in the room drew out agonizingly before something broke.  I jumped with a dignified squeak when Xiomara threw her head back and laughed.  “I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I just… the mental image of our attempted-Viking-overlord being attacked by a woman half his size is just…  That’s the best thing I’ve thought of all day.”

“He was very confused,” I agreed.

Tyche stood, hands on her hips. “Hang on a sec.  You said he hit you twice?”

“Ugh, he hits like a baby,” Charly whined before pausing.  She tilted her head and turned towards me. “Actually, that doesn’t make sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.  

Xiomara abruptly stopped laughing and snapped her head around to stare at Charly intently. “Yes. Please explain.”

Charly scratched her cheek absently. “We stopped at a medbay… Sophia insisted in case he had something yucky in his blood, seeing as I got a mouthful of it.  Even the red marks he left on my face were mostly gone by the time I was scanned.”

“Okay…” I mean, I was there, I already knew all this.

“This guy is freaking huge, you all.  Like Xiomara pointed out, he’s literally twice my size.  He should have hurt me a lot more, just by accident.  There is no way his knee-jerk reaction to being bitten twice, and hard enough to draw blood, is to just tap me on the face hard enough to make me let go.” Her face screwed up in confusion.

“I thought he knocked you down?” Xiomara asked for clarification.

She shook her head vigorously. “Nope.  He hit me just hard enough to hit the nerve right here.” She pointed to the hinge of her jaw. “It basically made my jaw all fuzzy and tingly, and I couldn’t hold on. Gravity did the rest.”

Tyche’s eyes narrowed, and she turned to Xio. “So do we think dumb luck from a wuss, or very deliberate action?”

“I don’t know,” came the response. “Either way, he clearly didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Wrong. So wrong,” Charly argued. “The first time he hit me, he was aiming for Sophia, and would have hit her pretty hard in the kidneys.  He just managed to get me in the upper shoulder, instead, since I’m shorter.  I think it’s clear he didn’t want to hurt me, but he definitely wanted to hurt her.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to me, and I felt sick to my stomach. What the actual fuck did I do?

Xiomara nodded intently, which was pretty much expected. When I looked at my sister, she was nodding, too, biting her bottom lip like she was thinking about something.  That wasn’t the part that concerned me.  What concerned me was her loose posture, leaned over with both hands on the back of a chair, while she stared into space.  For anyone who didn’t know her, it looked like she was trying to wrap her mind around the information I just gave her about her partner.  No white knuckles, no clenched jaw.  It made no sense.

Why wasn’t she mad? “Why me though?  I don’t even know this guy!”

Xiomara pulled up her datapad and flicked a file at me.  When I opened it, my eyes got wide. “Yep. His psych profile. Read ‘em and weep.”

As I read the information in front of me, repeating it out loud. “Ambition, enhancement, memory, clarity.”  That right there is why the Miys picked you. Empathy, enhancement, memory, clarity. Those are your defining attributes. I heard the ghost of Simon’s voice echo in my head from when I first woke up here. “He hates me, because he sees me as a weaker version of him?” I asked hesitantly.

“It’s a distinct possibility,” Xiomara confirmed. “He doesn’t have access to those profiles, unless someone hacked in, and Derek says they haven’t been touched.  But he may see you being in a position of power as an insult.”

When Tyche rubbed her face with one hand, it clicked. “You fucking knew,” I whispered, too betrayed to speak any louder. Snapping around to face Xiomara squarely, I resisted the urge to scream at her. “I thought you weren’t keeping us in on this?  The whole point of bringing this to you was to keep my family out of it, for once!”

Unperturbed, Xiomara held up one hand for permission to speak, and I nearly slapped it back down.  Instead, I growled and crossed my arms. “She’s helping in a different capacity, one I have requested she not disclose to you.  It is essential that what she is doing be kept secret. So, yes, she knew, for about two hours longer than you have.”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh. Oh. This is… this is recent.  Like, today recent.”

“Yes, today recent,” she confirmed, leaning back with a sigh. “And yes, I was prepared for the chance that he would approach you.  No, I wasn’t just going to leave you to the wolves, but it turns out that wasn’t even necessary.” With one hand, she made a sweeping gesture at Charly. “Between her, your sister, and your partners, I am reasonably certain you should be safe at all times.  Just don’t take any chances, okay?  Have Maverick, Conor, or both walk you to and from your office every day… so sweet, right?  Eat lunch with  someone we trust. That kind of thing.  Nothing really changes, just be alert to your surroundings.”

I groaned loudly. “Xio, I just got my personal shadows to let me walk to work by myself.  They are never going to let me live this down.”

“There are worse things in life than having loved ones who want you to be safe. I think you’ll live.”

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[jeongyunhoed]

You’re traveling to another dimension It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity It is the middle ground between light and shadow, Between science and superstition It ties between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge This is the dimension of imagination

An ATEEZ Twilight Zone!AU (masterlist here)

A/N: Just putting it out there, this is not a reader-insert fic. I know there’s a concern that’s raised about being inclusive in those kinds of fics, but I’d like to put it out there that usually my writings are not reader inserts. There are names to the OCs, but I’m still giving you the option to insert yourself in place of the OC instead if you want to. No hard feelings if you decide to unfollow me over that detail, it’s just how I write. Anyway, here is San’s chapter! I hope you all like it! 

VI. Asteroid Confinement (San)

Choi San looked up from his seat upon hearing the sound of a ship coming in for a landing. It was one of the four days of the year he looked forward to. He was a prisoner, sentenced to a lifetime under solitary confinement for murder. However, he didn’t serve his sentence in a traditional prison, but rather he was forced to live on his own in an asteroid that was orbiting between Mars and Jupiter, but nearest to Jupiter’s icy moon Europa, which was the moon he saw at night other than the smaller stars. It was all he could see in the sky from where he was. 

But it was day time, as San had calculated. Another day in his fourth year of being on the asteroid. He ran out of the house he lived in and towards the spacecraft that was landing. From the spacecraft came Captain Kim Hongjoong, followed by his two crew members, Jung Wooyoung and Jeong Yunho, who were both bringing down boxes of supplies. “I’m so glad you’re here, captain!” He said, glancing over at the crew, with Wooyoung begrudgingly bringing down the boxes Yunho was taking out of the ship. 

“We’re not going to stay here very long, San, we’ve only got fifteen minutes to bring you your supplies and leave. This asteroid’s orbit is shifting and if we stay any longer, we’ll have to wait fourteen days until conditions are favorable,” Hongjoong directed Yunho and Wooyoung to bring the boxes into the house. 

“But that’s not a bad thing isn’t it? What’s fourteen days? We could play board games, chess, I even made my own pieces!” 

“Let’s just go in,” Hongjoong said. 

“Four days a year, months away at a time, thousands of kilometers north, south, east, west,” Wooyoung grumbled as he put down the box he was carrying into the makeshift living room of the house San was living in. “Being away from my wife and kids, you know how hard that is?! My kids barely remember me, but you wouldn’t know that, would you?” He complained, shooting San a look. 

“Wooyoung, drop it and bring in the rest of the supplies,” Hongjoong ordered. 

San ignored the crew member and turned to the captain. “So, what did they say about my pardon?” He asked, looking hopeful. 

“San, I’m only just here to bring you the supplies you need and things to make living here a lot more bearable-” Hongjoong explained. 

“Your pardon’s been rejected by the courts,” Yunho spoke this time. “And they haven’t even started reviewing the murder cases yet.” 

“Four years in, and forty-six more to go, how does that feel?” Wooyoung taunted. 

Hongjoong glared at him. “You go and do what I tell you! Now. Including the big crate, and handle that one with care or else I’ll leave without you” 

Wooyoung frowned and went back out onto the ship, Yunho following behind but San could tell he looked just as satisfied at the news. “You and I know what really happened. I killed in self-defense, can’t they see that? I killed in self-defense! There are a lot of witnesses to it! The guy was trying to kill me! I had to fight back! I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m not a murderer!” San slumped down on the chair. 

“I know, and I believe you do, but my hands are tied and I can’t do anything about it. I’m just here to bring you your supplies and pass on news from Earth. Who knows what might happen in the next few years, they might transfer you to a regular prison on Earth like the old days-” Hongjoong looked apologetic. 

“Years? No, no, I don’t think I can’t take the next few years,” San shook his head. “I might die of loneliness out here, and knowing I have no other place to go is driving me crazy. I keep telling myself every day I wake up that this is my last day, I can’t stand being out here another day,” 

Hongjoong patted his shoulder, not wanting to say anything further about it. Wooyoung and Yunho returned with a large crate and set it down in front of him. San stared at the crate. “We’ll be off now. I got you more board games, books, and something else, something valuable, took a little more effort to get it here, and if the higher-ups find out, my head is on the chopping block,” He said. 

“I don’t want any gifts, all I want is a pardon. Captain Hongjoong, all I want is a pardon, a pardon!” San was on the verge of getting down on his knees and begging. 

Hongjoong said nothing, and instead stopped in front of the crate. “Open this only until after we’ve left, okay? When you do open it, there’s nothing much else, no assembly, no vacuum pack, the air in this place will do that, there’s also manual to answer your questions if you have any. See you in eleven months and take care of yourself,” He said. 

“Thanks,” San muttered. He watched them board the ship and slowly take off into the sky, past the atmosphere of the asteroid. He looked back at the crate Hongjoong was talking about. San pried the crate open with a crowbar and saw a woman inside, wearing a dress. He stepped back in a moment of surprise until he noticed a piece of paper that had his name on it. He took the piece of paper out to read. 

“Choi San, you now have in your possession a robot built in the form of a woman. For all intents and purposes this creature is a woman,” San read out. “Physiologically and psychologically with a set of emotions and a memory track. She has an ability to reason, to think, and to speak. She will also have a lifespan similar to that of a normal human being,” He paused to bring the robotic woman out of the box and making her stand upright. San picked up the paper again. “Her name is Miryo.” 

The woman’s eyes opened. “My name is Miryo, what’s your name?” She suddenly spoke. 

San stared at her, then looked back at the paper. He groaned in frustration and threw the paper down on the floor. He didn’t know what to say. She repeated the question. “I’m San, Choi San” He finally answered. 

Miryo approached him. “Are you hungry?” She asked. 

“No” San couldn’t help but feel annoyed, resentful, frustrated. He didn’t need a machine. He didn’t need a robot. All he wanted was a pardon. He noticed Miryo go into the kitchen, seemingly already knowing her way around the little house that was built for him. 

She returned, holding a glass of water. “I brought you something to drink,” She said. 

San faced the window. “Put it on the table,” He said. 

“You’ll get cold if you just stay there,” She said. 

San couldn’t help but scoff. “Yeah? How would you know?” 

“I can feel things” Miryo replied. 

“What else can you feel? Heat? Cold? Hunger?” San asked her. Miryo kept nodding. “ What about pain?” 

“I can feel pain too” Miryo replied. 

San sighed and looked out the window. “If you’re a robot, why didn’t they just leave you looking like one? Why do they have to make you look the way you do?” He felt her hand on his shoulder, and he turned around. Miryo put a hand on his cheek. San felt how warm it was, but pushed her hands away. “This is a lie, a lie, you’re not a real person, you’re a machine, nothing more than wiring and screws and microchips” He stormed out of the house. 

“San?” Miryo called out, following him. “San?” She called him again. 

“You’re just here to mock me. When you look at me and talk to me, all I can see is you mocking me” San grumbled. “I’m sick and tired of being mocked by the memory of women because all it does is remind me of how lonely I am, how I’m so lonely I’m going to go insane in this place” 

“San,” Miryo tried to speak, but he cut her off. She reached out to put her hand on his shoulder but he pushed her away. She fell over. She looked up at him and San noticed that there were tears in her eyes. “I can feel loneliness too.” 

San’s expression fell, and he bent down and wiped her tears away. “I-I’m sorry,” He said, helping her back up. 

~ 

A few months passed, and San had become used to having Miryo around. He was getting confused at times with his own situation, but there were moments, as San had realized, that Miryo was already mirroring his personality, his likes and dislikes also became hers. The more they were together, the more she was around, San felt the loneliness go away. He was no longer lonely, and he found himself falling in love with her. 

By night, the two of them sat outside, looking up at the stars that were in orbit. “We’re in the middle of Jupiter and Mars, and you see that moon over there? That’s not the moon we see on Earth,” San pointed to the sky. “That’s Jupiter’s moon, Europa. The sixth-biggest moon in the solar system, at least that’s what I read” He said, glancing at her. 

Miryo looked up in wonder. “It’s made of ice, isn’t it? That moon, Europa. Made out of ice” She said. 

“On the surface, yeah,” San nodded. 

She spotted something moving in the sky. “Is that a comet?” She pointed. 

San looked to where she was pointing. “No, that’s-that’s a ship,” He said. 

“But they won’t be here for another eight months, you said it yourself last time, not for another eleven months and three months have already gone,” She said. 

He smiled, finding her words endearing. “And the ship won’t be here for another eight months,” He said. “It’s passing by other asteroids before coming here.” 

Miryo turned to him. “Shouldn’t we go back inside?” She asked. 

San kissed her forehead. “No, we don’t have to. We’ve got time, as long as you’re with me.”

Miryo smiled. 

~ 

By morning, San and Miryo woke up to the sound of a ship making a landing. “San! San! San!” Hongjoong was yelling as he jumped down from the ship and running towards the house. “San! San!” He kept calling out to him. 

“What? What is it?” San opened the door to let him in. Wooyoung and Yunho followed close behind. 

“We’ve got good news,” Hongjoong paused to catch his breath. “All the sentences have been reviewed, you’ve been given a pardon!” He said. 

San looked taken aback. “...What?” He said. 

“A pardon, San. They’ve given you a pardon! You’re free to go! We’re taking you home!” Hongjoong said. “There’s not much time, we only have twenty minutes and we’ve been trying to steer clear of meteor storms on the way, and we’ve only got enough fuel left to make the trip home,” He said. 

“You better get your stuff together if you don’t want to stay here any longer” Wooyoung spoke. 

“We’ve picked up the others from other asteroids, we only have enough room for fifteen pounds of stuff, the rest you have to leave behind,” Hongjoong said. 

A smile was on his face before he realized it was. “I-I don’t have much stuff with me, some clothes, my stuffed dog shiber,” He said. “I feel bad for the next soul who has to be here. 

“There won’t be any next soul going here” Hongjoong shook his head. 

San sighed in relief. “I’m glad. Miryo and I will climb aboard the ship and wave goodbye to this place as we go home.” 

“Miryo? Who’s Miryo?” Yunho looked confused. 

“Oh my god, I forgot about her” Hongjoong said, realizing what San meant. 

“Who’s Miryo?” Yunho asked again. 

“A robot” Hongjoong replied. 

“She’s not a robot. She’s a woman,” San argued. 

“San, she’s a robot” Hongjoong pointed out. 

“Hongjoong, she kept me alive, she kept me sane, she’s a woman!” San insisted. 

“Oh, so that’s what was in the crate” Wooyoung said. 

“San, there’s no time to argue” Hongjoong. “We only have room for fifteen pounds.” 

“Then you’ll have to throw out some equipment. Miryo, she weighs more than fifteen pounds! She’s a woman!” San grabbed Hongjoong by the collar. 

“San, there’s no time, we only have room for your clothes and your stuffed dog, nothing else. We have to leave her behind” Hongjoong said, trying to reason with him. 

“She’s not a robot! She’s a woman!” San kept insisting. He turned to her. “Miryo, show them, Miryo, show them you’re real” 

Miryo looked confused. Hongjoong took out the gun from his holster. “I don’t have any choice but to do this to you, San, to make you see” He pulled the trigger, knocking Miryo out before San could stop him. 

“San, San, San, San, San,” Miryo kept calling his name. He slowly turned around to look at her, feeling disoriented and disillusioned from what he was seeing. Miryo’s face was destroyed, exposing the wires that were hidden underneath. 

“I’m sorry San, but you have to see that this is all behind you now, like a bad dream,” Hongjoong pointed out. “We have to go now, San, if we want to make it home on schedule,” He said. 

San was staring at the robotic body on the ground, nodding at what the captain was saying. “I have to remember that. I have to keep that in mind.” 

[talistheintrovert]

Deleting my fic

Hi everyone! I just posted an explanation in my Salem Fic about why I will be taking it down in the next few days. If you like, you can go look at it HERE or you can read it under the cut, but I felt the need to explain. 

I'm posting this to let everybody know that I am taking this fic down. I will leave it up for another day or two, and then it is permanently coming down as I have no desire to associate myself with this fic or its origins anymore.

I initially received a single anon comment on this fic when I posted it way back over a year ago:

ANON: Hi if you are going to borrow ideas for fics from other people, even if it’s out there on tumblr, you should at least credit them for the original idea.

and I responded the way I thought I should at the time:

hi, i'm gonna be honest - I forgot where this idea had even come from until you brought it up.

At the time i was planning to do this idea, i considered myself friends, or at least close acquaintances with the person who threw it out there, and offered to write it. Then I became very busy and decided to abandon the idea.

Then, after a bunch of things happened, I stopped talking to that person, and I'm fairly certain they wouldn't even want to see the fic or the credit, despite the idea no longer having anything to do with them.

When I found the idea again, all I had was a word document with a bunch of plot points and ideas written down, and was suddenly struck with the inspiration to write it again.

Because I had honestly forgotten to credit the person involved I will be sure to do that when I update it.

However, i do not appreciate you coming on anon to accuse me like this. I would never intentionally fuck someone else over, not EVER, and I resent the implication that I would. I will, however, be sure to credit Alex, because despite me no longer being friends with her, and the fact that we don't really talk anymore, I respect her enough as a human being not to let her think I'm treating her with disrespect.

Thanks for the anon.

I then reached out to Alex to clarify with her that I had not - nor would I EVER - intentionally steal the idea, and that I was going to clarify that on the fic itself, and she agreed, and we discussed the dissolution of our friendship and then didn't speak again. I went ahead and linked the post with her initial idea in it, which also has our interaction where I offered to write it.  

The circumstances surrounding the whole situation were unfortunate - I perceived her support of a certain fic as potentially harmful, and sent her One Single Anonymous Ask about it. I was relatively polite (although I do understand that anything on Anon can be perceived as impolite) and I asked her specifically because there was a rift growing among halves of the fandom and Alex had always been the person I knew to be the most level-headed and I figured if she could explain why she was right and I was wrong then I would apologise and leave it alone. Unfortunately, as with everything in fandom, it blew up.

I was not the only person who had taken issue with this fic, or the attitude that accompanied it, and MANY people - some that I knew, but most that I didn't - started to also send in asks, and a lot of them were a lot more accusatory, and I'm sure some of them were trolls deliberately designed to rile up the drama even further. Alex has since expressed to me that this all blew up around the time she was having a hard time, and I apologised to her as it was NEVER my intention to launch some kind of attack on her, or anyone. I explained that the reason I went on anon was because at the time, the issue of the fic was so personal to me and I wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone I was friends with online at a limited capacity, because it was part of my life. Just as Alex's own troubles at the time were unbeknownst to me.

I have since opened up about my personal experiences with some internet friends, and in the last two years have grown and learned how to move on with my life, but at that point, the pain was very raw and I didn't want to expose myself to that kind of drama where I would be forced to relive the trauma over and over again.

As it turned out, it didn't matter.

People decided that because I was posting about these issues (without necessarily explicitly bringing up my personal experiences), that not only did I send that one ask to Alex, but that I was responsible for MULTIPLE asks, that I had organised some kind of coordinated attack, that the entire rift was my fault and that I'd done it maliciously. And I spent MONTHS getting vicious, nasty, hateful anons that didn't even all address the issues they supposedly had with me, just told me I was a waste of space, that I didn’t belong, that I shouldn’t exist. I am sure Alex received her own number of those too, and I am truly sorry for that because no-one deserves to go through anything like that.

After Alex and I talked for the last time, I thought we had moved on. I unfollowed her and a number of other creators not because I had anything against them personally but because I realised this was an issue we were never going to agree on, and rather than stoke the flames I chose to step back from them entirely, so that I no longer had to see the content I was uncomfortable with. I respect her as a person, and as a content creator, and regardless of whether I am an avid follower of her anymore, I still support her ability to create and speak freely. I have never blocked her, nor have I ever sent any kind of anon/non-anon hate to her, and I have never, NEVER plagiarised, from her or anyone else.

And yet.

Close friends of mine within the fandom, friends that I don't even consider just fandom friends anymore - friends that I would live, breathe and die for, friends who I love more than anything in the world - have been periodically, over the last six or so months, receiving various anons claiming to be someone who has "had too much to drink" and telling them that I am a bad person, that it's "well known within the fandom" that I'm a plagiarist, and that it is "tiring to see such hypocrisy" when they preach about original content and then remain friends with me.

TO BE CLEAR: I don't think that Alex would do this.

So before anyone gets it twisted, this isn't some kind of EXPOSE where I drag someone's dirty laundry into the open, because I am absolutely not that kind of person, and the one time I waded into fandom drama, it caused this mess, and it ended my friendship with someone who had basically been the cause of me getting into this fandom in the first place. So no, I am not accusing Alex, or any of her friends, of sending these anons.

I understand if they dislike me because of what transpired over a year ago, and I have my own regrets about the entire situation, and I have no desire to bring it all back up again. I'm not doing this to get anyone to go after them or anyone else, because I don't think it's anyone's fault except the anon people in my friends' askboxes. My friends have never publicly addressed the asks, except for a single post this afternoon where Abby told the person to stop, and didn't even answer the ask or explicitly talk about what was said in it.

I don't mind if you hate me. Whether you dislike me on your own time or you do it in my askbox; I've gotten pretty used to anon hate, and I genuinely don't mind people throwing some my way - this is the internet. But when you're going out of your way to harass my friends, I cannot just ignore it.

That's my family you're talking to.

Whoever this anon person/anon people are, you are deliberately taking your personal opinion of me, and you are walking up to my family and telling them that I am not worth their time. You are telling them that I am a plagiarist, despite the SINGLE instance of "plagiarism" (this fic) being an honest mistake, and one that I immediately reconciled once I realised. This fic that I haven't updated since, because I wasn't sure when it would be acceptable for me to do so without upsetting Alex further, and have now decided to delete. I considered deleting it quietly, without explanation, as I did another one of my fics earlier this year (simply because it was a WIP that I was never planning on finishing) but I realised that deleting this fic without an explanation could potentially give this anon person/people more fuel to come after me with, and I really just want this whole drama to be over. It's been a year, and I have no desire to start the debate again, nor do I wish any ill will towards anyone, especially Alex, and I do not want to cause undue drama later down the line when this anon person/people returns to my friends askboxes to accuse them of helping me "hide the truth" or some other bullshit that has nothing to do with them or anyone else.

I'm putting this out in the open to make myself very clear: I am not a plagiarist. And if you have any assumptions that you feel the need to jump on anon to yell, it should be coming to me, not to my family.

This fandom was the first real fandom experience I had on tumblr. I have been involved in fandom culture for years, but always from afar, and it was because of Alex's fics that I found my way into this place, that I met the people I now call my family, and that I rediscovered my own confidence in my writing, confidence that had been lacking for some time due to my personal life. I will always be grateful to her for that.

My writing is my writing. It is deeply personal to me, as it is to every writer, and as someone who plans to have a career in writing, it is incredibly important to me that my work is my own. I would never intentionally steal (or as that anon commenter put "borrow") anything from anybody, and the implication that I would is truly hurtful, especially when it seems to come from a place of exclusively hate, with no actual understanding of the situation. A troll.

I would like to repeat myself: I DO NOT THINK THIS IS ALEX'S PROBLEM and anyone who jumps in her asks to talk about it is not really doing it for the "truth" or for anything other than their own desire to stir up drama. I will be sending the link to this chapter to her myself, because I do not wish for this to be something she stumbles across and assumes I am trying to pin the blame on her for something I categorically do not think she would ever do.

I just want to move on, and I want my friends to be left out of whatever vendetta this anon person/people have.

I am certain I will make more mistakes as I go forward, because that is the nature of growth, but I would like to believe that I have never done anything, especially any of this, as a desire to be malicious or to hurt anyone, even those people who I fundamentally disagree with and do not interact with anymore. I'm not remotely begging for sympathy in this situation - I don't need it, I am confident enough in myself to know that I would not intentionally hurt anyone - I am simply asking for my friends, my family, to be left out of whatever this bullshit is.

I'm sorry if you were expecting a chapter, and I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted to be clear about where I stand right now.

The 100 is coming to an end soon, and soon all we will have of this show and this fandom is memories, tumblr content, and friendships, and I do not want to spend any more of the limited time we have while this show is still on the air, spreading negativity or letting it be spread. This isn't to start drama, this is to end it.