#i feel. difficultly. about this

[unopenablebox]

–_– im still at work and everyone else in the lab went home, so i was listening to music and singing along while i pipetted things

except that apparently a couple of the members of the neighbor lab that we share an extended lab space with.... came back at some point

and heard an unknown amount of me practicing “casey jones the union scab” very very loud

[mroddmod]

little scrapped comic bc it felt a bit ooc to me in hindsight

[theshadowrealmitself]

Hello! I just wanted to tell you that your posts about aliens always make my day when I read them and I wanted to thank you for that :>

-🐰💖

Thank you, this really means a lot to me!!!

[helluvathings]

Could just be the dialogue hasn't had room for it, but I've been thinking about Octavia's line in the trailer about Stolas never having loved her (or Stella, though that's a separate thing); just Blitzø.

And unless I'm missing a moment, we haven't actually heard Stolas use the word love in the show. Not to Octavia, even when it would've been appropriate in the episodes focused on them, when he was comforting her at Loo Loo Land, or after they reunited in LA. He promises to be there, he definitely feels love, but he never uses that word. Even when he's putting her to bed as a child, where it'd also fit, no l-word.

He doesn't use it with Blitzø either. Pretty jarringly, because Blitzø has thrown it around a few times in the past two episodes. Which could be Stolas being emotionally intelligent enough to recognize he doesn't know Blitzø well enough to love him, but I wonder if that's not also a symptom of growing up the way he did. All the repression. The being told to hide his emotions. Paimon being Paimon.

Not like 'love' is a magic word or anything, and Stolas has been communicating his feelings very well. He doesn't need to say it for his words and actions to matter. It'd just be ironic if Blitzø, who we know from Verosika is allergic to 'I love you,' actually has less difficultly with saying it than Prince Rom Com. And if Stolas is particularly shy about verbalizing love, despite being such a romantic, because it's something he's always wanted so badly, whether in a familial or romantic sense, that he instinctively dodges the term. (Which is a hangup that maybe contributes to Via's feelings, as well).

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I think Hobie brown is the one character I've seen written completely out of character the most

Like, he would NOT say that

He definitely is. I see people write Miles and Gwen as spot on (pun unintended). Miguel and Pavitr are usually butchered for linguistics reasons

But with Hobie, him being a punk - one from a very specific time - adds a whole new layer of difficultly and honestly. At this point, I can't even blame people.

I think Hobie's mischaracterization is caused by two primary things, one purposeful, and one not. Please allow me to rant.

Hobie Brown, Mischaracterization, and the Sanitization of Punk Culture

I think Hobie's characterization is the perfect example of the way media purposely deminished and trivialized the punk identity in order to erase it's political connotations.

In other words, people misunderstanding Hobie shows how the media warped and censored the definition of 'punk' in the last 50 years.

And that's on purpose.

Let's take the hippies for an example. When you think of them, what beliefs comes to mind?

Peacefulness, usually. Pot smoking. Music loving. And Anti-war. They love peace. The phrase 'Make Love, Not War' make come to mind.

But it's easier for the media to historically display hippies as people who were opposed to war - rather than people who were openly oppossed to the Vietnamese War.

As in, they weren't just opposed to war - which they were. They were also specifically opposed to the United States government crossing borders in order to push a capitalist agenda in Vietnam.

It's easy to say hippes loved communes - then to say 'Hippies were Communist'. With a couple words switched around - sanitization.

Punk is just like that.

It's easier to focus on the response rather than the source. It's easier to look at Hobie singing than to consider what he'd be singing about in those songs.

I feel like in the past 50 years the media has purposely centered the outrage of punk around music - as a targeted distraction, and a method of silencing. This goes from the outward hatred of Sex Pistols - to a President's wife literally taking a metal band to court in order to get the 'Explicit Content label' instated for the first time.(crazyyyy long story- crazy interesting. Google 'Mary Gore vs Twister Sister' - the videos of the band in court is hilarious)

But anyway the outrage of punk music in specific and the silencing of the message behind it kinda changed the way people viewed punks.

Media very much wanted to make punk something about senseless rebellion towards everything, the same way they tried to turn anarchy into 'unending chaos that never stops', when neither of those things are true.

Basically saying 'Oh, those people over there? They aren't angry oppressed people screaming and forming a community based around resilience, those are teeennagerrs. theyre just screaming cause theyre mad at their dads or something PLEASE dont look at them PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT CHECK IF WE'RE TELLING THE TRUTH'

And so people are presented with someone like Hobie, they see the loud music, but not picking up what he's saying if you get my drift.

And the other thing I'll try to keep short.

It's not purposeful, but I think it matters.

The Internet - Subculture vs Aesthetic

I don't think this is something that's been talked about yet.

But I feel like a lot of people misunderstand what a subculture is. So when they see Hobie, they see fashion, and music taste, and attitude. They instead perceive him as an aesthetic. Not someone who participates in subculture.

Subculture is a way of life. It encompasses not only your fashion and music tastes, but it can and usually extends to things like your morals, your behaviors, the spaces you exist in, etc.

Goth, Punk, Vegans, hell - even Nudists - are all subcultures. Because they effects the persons lifestyle. Subcultures are lifestyles.

Aesthetics are not.

An aesthetic is a (usually) visual ambience that is meant to evoke a specific emotion.

Aesthetics can extend to fashion, decor, and music taste - but not your morality or behavior.

E-girls, Emos, Hipsters, what have you - all aesthetics as they do not encompass morals, or behaviors.

And because of that - there are things that do or don't make you a punk. But there aren't really things that do or don't 'make you emo'.

Aesthetics don't have conditions, but subcultures do.

You have to be anti-government to be punk. You don't have to hate your life to be emo.

(Which is why when people bring this up, people are quick to call 'gatekeeping!' Because in the context of aethetics gatekeeping is seen as unneccesary, whereas in subcultures 'gatekeping' is more so protecting the underlying beliefs and motivations of the movement. People who see Hobie as an aesthetic will find these conditions odd because they're not seeing his punkness as a subculture.)

Today on the internet, it's a lot more common and easy to engage in an aesthetic. It's not uncommon for someone to purposefully pick an aesthetic - and go all out - simply because they like it. It's great. I engage with an aesthetic all the time.

But because of that, when people see Hobie it's easy to immediately be like 'oh okay hes doing it out of fashion hes doing it because he vibes with it cool.'

They look at Hobie the way they would look at an eboy (do those still exist).

______________________________________________

Sooo mixing the censored image of a punk along with the modern-day instinct to perceive something as an aesthetic rather than a way of life kinda causes.....this.

A Hobie tag were a lot of people completely misunderstand who he is as a person and his motivations as a superhero outside of 'I hate the establishment'.

Plus add in a dash of people just being totally blank on 70's politics. The Vietnam War, Margaret Thatcher coming to power, the IRA, etc. - all of those things I think tells us a lot about Hobie. I'm currently on a piece about that and an explainer of most of those events. Or if you want a brief rundown please feel free to ask, I'll do my best.

If you wanna know Hobie more - don't listen to punk music. Go read the lyrics, if you get what I mean. They truly do have something to say.

Hope this made some sense, thanks for reading if you made it this far :) also no proofread we die like kings but ill most likely do it later and delete this note.

[ssahotchnerr]

beach days with the family 🥹🥹💕💕💕 I just KNOW aaron would be stressing about Ellie swimming but seeing Jack being such a good but brother and helping her ☹️☹️💝 it literally melts my heart

- 🏎️

🥹💕💕💓

aaron would be stressing about everything omg 😭 you'd have to remind him to calm down and enjoy himself LOL

but sooo much goes into a beach trip, aaron can't help it 😭 first it's packing all the necessities - beach toys, towels, chairs, SUNSCREEN, an umbrella, snacks, drinks in a cooler, etc.. then loading it all up into the car. a lot of the prep happens the night before - beach bags are packed, you lay out all the swimsuits; jack and aaron have matching swim shorts, ellie has the cutest little swimsuit 😭😭😭 so in the morning, you're getting jack and ellie ready as aaron gets the car ready. he plans to leave decently early in the morning too; to get to the beach at a reasonable time, to beat traffic and the crowd (the day you planned to go is a scorcher), to get a good spot.

that's the first order of business - getting that spot. it's close enough to the water that you can easily watch jack, and it's not a long walk if ellie were to fill up a bucket of water for a sandcastle. once the umbrella is up, chairs underneath and towels are laid out, aaron's making sure everyone is lathered generously in sunscreen. jack even has a baseball cap on, ellie has an adorable bucket hat, for that extra layer of protection - no one is getting burnt on aaron's watch, and he makes sure to reapply sunscreen multiple times 😭 the same goes for you!!!! once jack and ellie are protected from the sun, aaron's putting plenty of sunscreen on you himself 😭🥰 in addition!! breaks from the sun are frequent - aaron drags the two of them under the umbrella, making sure they hydrate as well.

jack's just the best big brother 🥹 he teaches ellie how to make a sandcastle, how to jump over waves, how to hunt for shells 🥹 the two of them keep each other busy, which is extremely helpful because then you and aaron can enjoy the sun and do your own thing - reading, sunbathing, whatever. hehe you keep the bau ladies groupchat busy, by sending pics of your beach day 🥹<333 jack and ellie cheesing in front of their sandcastle, ellie wearing aaron's sunglasses which are muchhh too big for her, aaron standing there all 🤨 with his arms crossed, as he watches jack and ellie play in the shallow water 🥰

jack holding ellie's hand as they wade into the water 😭🥺 keeping her close, and so the waves don't knock her over 😭 they're in the water just enough for the little currents to hit their feet, which causes ellie to shriek in excitement every time 😭🥺 and if the waves start to pick up, aaron's joining them immediately (ellie also has a lifejacket/floaties on her arms in she's in the water)

and if ellie wants to go in further, aaron or you are accompanying her🥰 while keeping that watchful eye on jack too. he's bolder when it comes to playing in the ocean, ellie on the other hand, is a bit hesitant. at first even, she has a minor meltdown when she feels the hot sand under her feet, the texture of it different and she has major difficultly walking in it, and absolutely detests the taste of the salt water when it splashes her and gets into her mouth - but she gets used to it rather quickly.

but, just the visual of ellie is hoisted on aaron's side - clinging onto him for dear life - as the waves crash against the two of them 😭😭💓💕💓💕 sobbing. while she's always on the clingier side, it heightens a ton when something's new or she's nervous 🥺<3

aaron's least favorite part of going to the beach though - sand. he just hates that it clings onto everything, there's always more of it to be found. so when it's time to leave, he's profusely shaking the towels, rinsing off the toys in the ocean, getting as much of it off jack and ellie as he possibly can 😭 it's inevitable, he knows, but some gets onto the floor of the car, gets stuck in ellie's car seat, and he gets so troubled by it LOL 😭 that night when you're home, he's in the garage vacuuming it all up right away LOL

but it's worth it 🥹<3 the fun the kids had, spending time together as a family, he'd do it all over again in a heartbeat 💓🥰

[ohbo-ohno]

cannot stop thinking about careful price doing a long con on the girl he’s obsessed with, fucking with the vents in her apartment so the ventilation is bad and her bathroom starts to get black mold, bribing the landlord into not doing anything before insisting she come live with him “for her own safety” while she looks for a new apartment… sabotaging her other options while she looks for a new place until he slowly convinces her to just stay with him!! he won’t even make her pay rent, she just has to help with the chores!! slowly coaxing her in until she agrees, absolutely thrilled to start turning her into little housewife all his own - 🧋 (i’m the price+bunnygirl anon, but bunny was taken 😔)

i think price is suuuuch an interesting character to make dark, because he's like the ultimate manipulator (if you want a book rec simaliar to this check out "liars like us" by jt geissinger)

that man is pulling your entire life by it's STRINGS babe, you are being puppetmastered and you have no fucking idea and that's exactly how he'd like to keep it

and you're completely right, he'll fuck with every element of your life and he doesn't feel even an ounce of guilt over it. how can he when every choice he makes leads you right into his arms?

it's one of my favorite taboo tropes in fics but i have some serious difficultly writing it, but i loooove forced housewife-ism. it's such an odd mix of dark/kidnapping/dubcon/humiliation like it always hooks me, im just no good at writing it lmfao

[butterflydm]

The Queen of Attolia (plus some WoT comparisons)

Haha, it's been a few months but I got my chance to read the next book in the Queen's Thief series and it was so good! I am going to have two sections in this review -- my overall thoughts and then some specific thoughts that are mostly for @markantonys due to the series being her recommendation and I have a lot of thoughts about the comparisons between the Queen of Attolia x Eugenides and Mat Cauthon x Fortuona, because you can really do a point by point comparison, though I don't think it was intentional -- I think that Megan Whalen Turner and Robert Jordan were both going for the same idea but Turner was, imo, wildly more successful than Jordan at it.

But first, thoughts that don't particularly relate to The Wheel of Time:

We open with a tense cat and mouse chase between The Thief and the Queen's guardmen and that is really the heart of this book when it comes down to it -- a cat and mouse game between two extremely complicated people, and how they have to navigate in the world that they share.

Turner is really good at writing these fun action scenes where you're very much in the PoV of the character.

The (apparent) foundation that is laid here (that later gets overturned because Gen got to me again and he was once again acting on personal information that he kept from me for the majority of the book, lol, love him for it) - is very much beginning as enemies who have respect for each other's skills. At this point in the book, I knew that they would end up married due to spoilers and I know that it's considered a good romance, so I was really looking forward to seeing the journey, especially since I did get spoiled about the huge upcoming traumatic event.

But we start from this strong narrative place where they are aware of each other and have respect for each other but they belong to two separate counties that have some political tensions and they are both important parts of those countries and can't set that aside.

Because of how bold Gen is, Attolia has been backed into a corner by his actions and we actually see this affirmed by Gen's cousin (the Queen of Eddis) and her thoughts on the matter -- she is aware that Gen going into Attolia's country to spy on her is a dangerous thing for him to do.

And then the cutting off of his hand. This is brutal, and it feels brutal, and then we also get these hints of Attolia's reaction afterwards (that we get into more later) but especially her reaction when he begs her not to hurt him anymore and you can really see her feel the impact of what she did. She doesn't allow herself to show her remorse but even this early on, we're getting hints of it as readers.

Then when Gen goes home, we actually see that the Queen of Eddis also maintains a mask in public, just like Attolia does, so we see another hint here that Gen understands that kind of masking. Eddis looks just as cold and impenetrable to Attolia's guards who return Gen to her, as Attolia looks to everyone else.

I really appreciated how long the recovery time was after the loss of Gen's hand and how much time we spent with him to feel him get used to the changes (and how economically Turner is able to pass that time). We get these tiny looks at Attolia as well, and her difficultly sleeping at night, which we expand on later.

Then we get the return of the Magus from Sounis! It was really nice to see him again, dropping in to visit Gen, but he's also here to give us that continuation of the division between personal and political -- as a person who genuinely likes Gen, the Magus was upset about what Attolia did to him, but as the advisor to the king of Sounis, he knew that they would be able to use Eddis's reaction to Attolia's act on the political stage.

But what a way to learn that the two countries are at war!

It takes some time for Gen to really believe that Eddis went to war over him, and we see him processing that over the course of the book as well, and they talk about it more. I do think that Gen does not always realize how deeply other people care about him.

Turner really is so good at giving us these pieces of information that reframe the earlier story -- now we know that during all those snippets of Attolia that we had earlier, she was also dealing with realizing that her actions with Gen led to the war that she's currently embroiled in.

The progression of the war was really well done (again, Turner is very economical with her narrative here), with what details she chooses to focus in on, and we see that Gen, even though he has gained more of an ability to have that cold and impassive mask like Attolia has, still does things like make sure that no one is on the ships that he's destroying, because he doesn't like getting people killed.

Turner also does a really good job showing how destabilizing the war is to all three countries involved, and how the war is hurting everything.

We take a little mythology story break here in the narrative, which was a fun story about love and choice, both of which are very relevant. This story definitely does end up applying pretty heavily to Gen and Attolia in the themes, and I like the style that Turner tells these stories.

I love how perceptive Gen is once he's been apprised of the situation and we get to see the thought process that leads to him blaming the emperor's ambassador more for the loss of his hand than he does Attolia herself, because he sees that ambassador understood that seeing Gen maimed and returned to Eddis would be more like to spark a war than just killing him would, and a war is exactly what he needs in order to try to justify getting his troops onto Attolia's land. All the politics here are pretty complex but I feel like the book does a good job explaining the reasoning.

And this is also the point where it's really confirmed that Attolia knows that the ambassador is underestimating her, and that she also understands a lot of the things that he thinks that he's pulling over on her. But because of the fragile position that she's in, she needs to entertain the ambassador's advice and his attempts to sidle in on her country.

Quote about Gen: "It was like him that if he had to have a thing, to have the fanciest thing of its kind."

I really like all this about the cost of war; the price of war; and why this outside party has been trying to urge war on the three countries.

We also get Eddis admitting to Gen that she thinks that she could have possibly controlled herself and not started a war if he had only been killed, rather than treated in a way that she finds so insulting, and that it made her so angry that she made a choice that had now brought a lot of damage to their own country that she wishes could be avoided. And Gen can see, basically, that the ambassador of Medes is the one who put both Eddis and Attolia in this trap, and he was used as the tool to start this war.

We really move into Attolia's PoV and we get the story of the broken amphora (she thought about it when she saw Gen after she'd had his hand cut off) -- it was, essentially, the moment that marked when her life changed and she couldn't be a young girl anymore.

This really is a heartbreaking story -- how after her brothers died and she was the heir, her father essentially sold her off to be married, and her fiance was actively plotting against her father and how to suck her country dry for his own benefit after they were married. And how she kept herself quiet and small and just listened, but then poisoned him at their wedding feast, also having her captain of the guard kill the next man who tried to force her to marry him. We also see here that she only trusts loyalty that she can buy in gold (because every other kind of loyalty failed her).

Then we finally get the big reunion! This scene is so tense, with both Attolia and Gen wearing these cold masks (we later realize that Gen has pretty much directly modeled his mask on Attolia's) and we get this private negotiation that is only for the two of them. And this moment when it is literally just them, together on a boat, with no one else to interrupt them... just exquisitely done.

It's been implied before, but this is where we get our confirmation that Attolia has been just as haunted by Gen this entire book as he's been haunted by her. They've been separated for most of the book but constantly haunted by each other. I gotta share the quote:

"He was too young to have bones that ached. No matter what he thought of himself, he was hardly more than a boy. A boy without one hand. She reached up to push the wet hair out of her face, wondering when she had sunk so low that she had begun torturing boys. It was a question she had asked herself night after night, lying awake in her bed or sitting in a chair by the window watching the stars slowly move across the sky."

We've been seeing her do those things the entire book, but this is the first moment when we're told what she was thinking about in those moments.

We also get our Big Revelation here that Gen has had feelings for Attolia since before the events of The Thief! How does he hide these things from us so well! Gen! We learn here (and we get even more detail later) that he's been feeling drawn to her for literal years. That part of the reason that he made those trips that she thought were mockery was because he wanted to be close to her and get a look at her and see if she really was the monster that their spies reported that she was, or if she was just a woman who was being forced to make difficult, maybe impossible choices.

And then we get our story reversal where Attolia gets 'rescued' by the ambassador and his people, and we get to see how she behaves in these circumstances where she doesn't believe that she can trust Gen (sure, he said he loves her, but she cut his hand off! And he's a known liar! how can she trust him?) vs this dude that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she absolutely cannot trust.

The moment when she tells her handmaidens not to put on her golden bee earrings, I knew exactly what she'd done, especially when we got Gen's reaction. The writing doesn't have to tell us in the moment what's occurring (that she put on the earrings that he left for her one time and that she said she would only wear if she'd decided to marry him) for us to know, and I love that. This coded sign that only he will understand.

It's the most unique and fascinating marriage proposal I've ever read. Well done. Haha, and I did guess that the gray-haired man that he fought so well with was his father. <3

Love the moment when we see him process that marrying the Queen of Attolia is going to mean... that he'll be the King of Attolia. He just wanted to marry her because he liked her! <3 <3

And everything after that was just so delightful. Working together for the double-cross and then the process of Eddis and Attolia working out the treaty and Eddis trying to convince Gen that they can have the treaty without the marriage, and his rejection of that, and then essentially testing Attolia with that offer as well.

I also really like one of the moments when Attolia realizes that she can trust Gen, which is when Eddis tells her that of course Gen also lies to her. Constantly. And I feel like that reframed a lot of her interactions with Gen for Attolia. Realizing that Gen wasn't being maliciously deceitful towards her; he's just Like That With Everyone. Plus, I can't forget the moment when, after the battle is won, Attolia and Eddis return to where Gen is being held and Attolia believes for a moment that he's been poisoned as a parting shot by the Medes ambassador and we can literally watch as her heart completely shatters and she is completely undone and devastated in her head and even shaken where people can see her. It's beautifully written.

And we get the moment with the gods (who are very real in this series but very carefully choose how they interfere) and it's just as well done as it was in the first book. The windows in the palace shattering as the goddess responds to Gen's sacrifice! And basically laying out to him that his suffering was required to reach this ending and would he trade it back if he could -- if it meant that Attolia would have been forced to make that deal with the Medes ambassador. And Gen would rather have Attolia in his life and wanting to marry him than have his hand back.

Just that whole final section that leads up to the ending of the book, with Attolia really being able to believe Gen when he says that he loves her... it's so good. How the narrative (and Eddis and Gen) are able to tease out Attolia's feelings for Gen, and how we end on that final quiet moment between the two of them. Really powerful ending.

It's a really good book and it's a really good romance. Gen and Attolia are both fantastic characters and even with all the twists and turns and revelations, their relationship felt incredibly captivating and believable. I really believe that Gen wants to break through Attolia's walls and, just as important, I feel like there's a person on the other side of those walls who is worth being loyal to and loving. You understand why Gen wants to be Attolia's husband, even after she ordered his hand cut off, which is very impressive storytelling.

Hopefully I'll get the chance to read the The King of Attolia soonish, and not in, like, four months.

*

And now onto the Wheel of Time/Mat & Tuon comparison section of the review for @markantonys 💖

It really does feel like a point-by-point improvement on Mat & Tuon, though I suspected unintentionally (it looks like this book came out 3 years before CoT).

Starting with the characters: wow, Attolia really is so much the person that I would have wanted Tuon to be. And she feels like the person that Jordan wanted readers to believe that Tuon was. Every place where I was going through my WoT reread and going "footage not found!" about something the narrative tried to claim about Tuon is something where the footage is very much found for Attolia. While Tuon's potentially heartbreaking backstory really is just backstory and ends up have zero impact on her active storyline, Attolia's tragic backstory is the entire spine of what her character is going through and what Gen can help her with.

We get to see and really experience Attolia's context, which is not something that we got with Tuon. Jordan makes an attempt, I guess, with Karade's sob story about Tuon and the doll, but he made the bizarre choice to frame this story in Karade's PoV (Tuon's slave), not from Tuon's PoV. For whatever reason, Jordan always insisted on making Tuon the most insufferably smug person in the world in her own PoVs.

With Attolia, we get those breaks in her mask that I kept desperately wanting us to get with Tuon but we never did. Again, this is mostly only for the reader, not even for Gen -- the reader gets to see behind Attolia's mask. And so Attolia is captivating and fascinating and I understand why she felt like she had to do these horrible things.

With Attolia, we actually get her being removed from her power base and feeling helpless, which Jordan never had the guts to do with Tuon (when Mat kidnaps Tuon, he lets her take her slave along with her, and then some of his allies decide to support Tuon over him despite having zero narrative or character-based reason to do so), which means that when Attolia regains her power, it has a much bigger impact on the narrative, while it felt like Tuon never really lost hers. Attolia and Gen both manage to be scrappy underdogs, in their own way, and that's something that Tuon never was.

Both Attolia and Tuon commit horrific acts, but while we see Attolia's remorse and how it torments her, Tuon always seems to shrug off the horrible shit that she does. It doesn't ever affect her emotionally and she never seems to think past it after it's done. She is a character without remorse or reflection (I think she vaguely thinks that it's a shame one time when she's pondering how she will break Mat's spirit but that's about it). And Attolia has those two qualities in spades. Attolia feels like a real woman to me in a way that Tuon never did. We see the brave face that she puts on, we see her regret and remorse, we see her loneliness, we see her jealousy over the Queen of Eddis, who is able to trust the members of her court in a way that Attolia has never felt she could trust her own. Tuon just feels really shallow in comparison to Attolia.

Even in the first cat and mouse scene with Attolia and Gen in this book, you can see the push and pull and the narrative equality of the characters. Gen has been in and out of four different strongholds of hers, and she feels that he's pretty much taunting her with his abilities. There's a mutual respect for the other person which was one of the big things that was missing for me with Mat and Tuon. In her final PoV in KoD, we learn that she has not had an ounce of respect for him during this entire journey -- it's not until she sees how the Band respects him that she considers whether or not there may be more to him than just being a pretty and dumb sextoy. And the big problem with that is that was the period when the 'romance' was being developed. During the time when she didn't have any respect for him as a person. And that makes it very difficult to find their relationship compelling, even apart from the fact that I found Mat himself profoundly unlikable in CoT & KoD.

Now, Mat being a terrible person (in CoT & KoD) and Tuon being a terrible person (always and forever) are not things that would stop me from shipping them in general. I am capable of finding Awful4Awful pairings compelling (like Louis and Lestat from Interview with the Vampire). They don't have to be good people, but there has to be something in the relationship that grabs onto me at any level, and that's where Mat and Tuon failed.

We can see in Attolia's thoughts that she envies the relationship that Gen has with the Queen of Eddis -- she envies that loyalty and wishes she could have something like that of her own. That sort of envy was also missing from CoT & KoD (I am going to mention, briefly, that some of these elements were present in the Mat & Tuon relationship in AMoL but at that point, it was just too late for me to give a shit about their relationship, because CoT & KoD thoroughly killed any interest that I had in them). Whether because of his own personal kinks or because of the plans that Jordan had for the Outriggers, Jordan made Tuon too much of an island; too much of an wall. The way he wrote her made me feel like nothing Mat could do would ever really matter to her in any way; that she was content to use him up and then throw him out and that's just not my thing. It may have been Jordan's kink but it is not mine.

So I definitely understand @markantonys's point about this feeling like a well-written version of Mat and Tuon! It really does feel like this is the sort of relationship that Jordan wanted to write with Mat and Tuon but didn't have the skill at romance writing to pull off. Something like Mat and Tuon is Hard Mode Romance and Jordan wasn't even always good at Easy Mode Romance.

Two of the key elements that really makes Attolia and Gen work for me is just getting to sit and exist in Attolia's emotional reactions to the wrong that she has done to Gen; and Gen acknowledging and processing the harm that she'd done. And both of those things were desperately needed with Mat and Tuon, both as characters and as a romance.

A major major part of why Mat and Tuon failed for me is because I didn't feel like Mat was actually reacting to her realistically for the vast majority of their page time together; she threatens to invade a city and he laughs it off, she assaults his companions that he freed from slavery and he thinks it's hot?!?, she talks about how she likes to torture women and he ignores it.

If Tuon had cut off Mat's hand, the way that Attolia cut off Gen's, it feels like Jordan would have just had Mat shrug it off and then buy her a puppy as a reward or something as his response. Here, we get Gen begging Attolia "please don't hurt me again" after she cuts off his hand and then we have months of separation and recovery and processing before the narrative takes him anywhere near her again. And Attolia is forced to reckon with what she did, first by being haunted by the memories of him crying from the pain and loss, and then she has to face it directly by seeing his stump, seeing the pain that he's still in (because of her). She has to admit (not just to herself but to him) the damage that she did before they can move forward together. This is something that Tuon never shows herself capable of on any level. Tuon is never allowed to grow as a person the way that Attolia is, or to be vulnerable with the audience or with Mat.

I definitely still really felt the Mat-Gen comparison in this book too. Lots of places, but there's a great moment in the meadow with him, Eddis, and the Magus, where Eddis explains that Gen has deliberately made people believe that he can't fight but he also still gets miffed sometimes if people fall for his carefully constructed facade.

And the moment when Gen tells Eddis that he plans to steal the Queen of Attolia. It really feels, again, like this is the sort of vibe that Jordan wanted us to believe existed between Mat and Tuon: "She may be a fiend from hell to make me feel this way but even if I've got to hate myself for the rest of my life, this is what I want. I dream about her at night." This intense draw and this pull that he feels towards her. Jordan appears to want us to believe that Mat feels this kind of draw towards Tuon at the end of KoD but has not created any kind of foundation in Mat's characterization as to why.

We also got the long separation between Attolia and Gen where they are haunting each other with their absence. Attolia and Gen just get the time that is needed to develop this relationship in a way that's believable. Time in the story, not page time. This book is shorter than CoT & KoD, and probably shorter than if you made a "Mat and Tuon" novella out of their scenes in those books. It's the actual 'in world' time that matters, that gives Attolia and Gen time to think about each other and miss each other in a genuine way.

For another comparison -- Gen 'steals' Attolia to marry her like Mat kidnaps Tuon, but the context is so incredibly different on every level. Mat gets, essentially, tricked into kidnapping Tuon by the 'finn (it never would have happened if he hadn't heard that prophecy) while Gen acts with intention the whole way through. Technically, in both cases, Gen and Mat are 'saving' Attolia and Tuon by kidnapping them, but we feel the weight of it with Gen and Attolia in a way that we don't with Mat and Tuon. And a lot of that is because the bulk of Gen and Attolia's build-up happens before the kidnapping, during the times when they're separated and haunted by each other. So once the kidnapping happens, it's quick-paced and moves the plot forward rather than, you know, just fucking around with a circus for a month.

We also know that Attolia has complicated feelings about Gen already. I talked about this with @markantonys but that really is something that needed to happen with Tuon so much sooner than it does in the books (there are two big Mat & Tuon scenes in AMoL that desperately needed to happen back in CoT, imo -- Tuon trusting that Mat isn't trying to kill her; and Tuon going wild trying to protect Mat in the command tent).

Attolia and Gen also genuinely have things that they can each offer the other person, while with Mat and Tuon, none of the things that Tuon offers are things that Mat actually wants (slaves bowing to him; being dressed up like one of the Blood; being formal at all times - these are things that some of Mat's fans want for him, but not things he wants for himself) and she just feels like this ravenous black hole that constantly takes and takes and takes and gives back nothing of value. When Gen is startled at the realization that marrying the Queen of Attolia makes him the King and he'll have to actually be a king, it's this incredibly sweet moment, because it illustrates so clearly that he wants Attolia for herself and not her country. When Mat reacts against the idea that marrying Tuon makes him royalty, it just kinda makes him look dumb, because we've been given nothing of value in Tuon herself as a person, and no reason for Mat to care about her.

With Tuon, Mat talks about how she's better than other nobles, but nothing she actually does on the page is better than any other Seanchan noble. It's all 'footage not found'. By contrast, every single positive thing that Gen says about Attolia is backed up by the text and we even get shown additional positive qualities that no one needs to talk about because it's right there in the text.

With Tuon, it feels like Mat is attempting to gaslight me (and himself?) into believing that an interesting character exists there despite all the evidence against it, while Attolia simply is a compelling character based on what happens on the page.

That fact that there are so many raw similarities between the two pairings, but my reaction to them are so different really does illustrate the importance of execution, imo. Attolia and Gen's romance manages to travel so much further than Mat and Tuon's, while also being considerably more economical with how many pages it took to get us there.

The point-by-point comparison (aka WoT's failure of execution):

Tuon's interior life is poorly illustrated in comparison to Attolia's; because she starts off as an even worse person than Attolia but so much less character work is done on her than on Attolia, who is haunted this entire book by how she has "sunk so low as to torture boys" (on that note, Turner's choice to make Gen the younger and more openly vulnerable one really works here).

Seeing that Attolia's handmaidens are genuinely affectionate and protective of her at the end of this book is so incredibly touching, because she had no expectation of their loyalty (she believes in the loyalty of gold, and gold alone, for the most part). Tuon, otoh, has slaves that she expects to be subservient and loyal unto death, so her slaves' affection for her (that was trained into them) is something that completely fails to move me. This difference in the expectations of the character also makes a huge difference in how their PoVs come off -- Attolia's walls are due to her internal vulnerability and we get to see that vulnerability in her PoVs; while Tuon comes across as full of herself and incredibly arrogant, taking everyone around her for granted.

We're told that Tuon is smart and perceptive but rarely get any evidence; while Turner shows us Attolia's intelligence and how she sees a lot more than people like the Medes ambassador believe that she does. We get to see Attolia's intelligence in how she tricks the Medes ambassador into believing that she's so much less perceptive and intelligent than she truly is. This is another place where Jordan's unwillingness to ever place Tuon into a genuinely vulnerable position really hurt the character. Turner wasn't afraid to make Attolia the underdog and knew that it wouldn't undermine her as a character, it would strengthen her, because we would get to see who she was in adversity. The set-up of Crossroads of Twilight should have led to us seeing Tuon in adversity but Jordan was allergic to allowing her to be truly vulnerable, and gave her people to hide behind (Selucia & Setalle Anan) the entire time.

Mat as an agent of chaos is wildly downplayed in comparison to Gen as an agent of chaos. The Seanchan end up getting spared the chaos that the end of the Age brought to pretty much every other society, even though Mat seems clearly positioned to bring their society crashing down even as late as Winter's Heart. Gen's actions, otoh, are constantly throwing other people's plans off.

Mat does not behave realistically to the horrible things that Tuon says and does -- with Gen, even though we find out towards the last third of the book that he was already in love with Attolia before the book begins, we still get his raw reactions to her doing things that hurt him. He has nightmares after she orders his hand cut off, his pained begging of her not to hurt him again, and how he develops his own mask of impassiveness that is modeled on her own. Gen also never throws away his moral code in order to try to force himself to be at peace with the relationship -- he grows and changes as a character as a result of his trauma, but he stays himself at the core.

Something else that Jordan could have used more in the books that would have helped develop an understanding of why Mat believes that something exists beyond Tuon's 'cold Empress mask' would have been to make the comparison between Rand's mask and Tuon's mask more clear in the narrative. Because there's too much separation in time between Rand and Mat's interactions with Mat and Tuon's interactions. In this book, seeing that Eddis also needs to put up a queenly mask of not caring about Gen at first (in front of the Attolian guards when they return him to her after his hand has been cut off) helps illustrate why Attolia needs the mask that she uses -- Eddis doesn't trust the Attolians, but Attolia feels like she can trust absolutely no one, and so she always needs the mask and feels like she can never take it off. That's compelling! It could have been compelling in Tuon too, if it had been written better.

On that note: Turner personalizes the damage that Attolia's cold mask and her ruthless defense of herself/her country is doing by having her hurt Gen directly, and that being something that she struggles with over the course of the book. With WoT, Jordan basically did everything he could to hide away the damage that Tuon/the Seanchan were doing from Mat in order to try to justify why he could ~fall in love~ with her (was it intentional? to set their relationship up for a fall later in the Outriggers? we'll never know) without ever actually changing Tuon/the Seanchan for the better, which also meant giving Tuon no reason to have any internal struggles over the choices that she's made.

Gen and Attolia get another thing that Mat and Tuon desperately needed but that Jordan refused to give them: privacy. They negotiate getting married (after Gen has kidnapped Attolia in a much more narratively satisfying kidnapping than Mat and Tuon's!) in privacy, just between the two of them; when we get the conversation about their feelings at the end, again it happens in private. That makes a huge difference. Jordan being unwilling to ever actually yank Tuon away from her full power base and her slaves was a huge hindrance to ever allowing her to be vulnerable. And I do chalk this up to unwillingness and not failures due to plot set-up because there is no good reason to have Selucia tag along on the kidnapping and then it's even more bizarre in CoT & KoD, when the character of Setalle Anan goes from being fond of Mat to all of a sudden acting like he's the worst person in the world and she must protect poor helpless baby girl Tuon from him.

Both Attolia and Tuon get tricked by their respective love interests about who they are as a person because of the facade that they put up, but Attolia still has respect for Gen and his skills, even as she doubts his character, and it is Gen's own actions that show her who he really is and make her believe in him; while with Tuon and Mat, she spends over a month with him and still refuses to look past his surface until she literally has her face rubbed into it by seeing the Band's reactions to him. This difference is a key one in making Attolia's failure to see Gen as a failure due to the protective walls that she has up; while Tuon's failure comes across as her just not being very perceptive or intelligent. And the fact that we don't get the moment when Tuon begins to have even the faintest shred of respect for Mat until the end of Knife of Dreams just meant that I felt even more like all the pages time that Jordan spent on the two of them in CoT & KoD was a complete waste of my time.

We got to have genuine reactions from all of Gen's loved ones about the relationship! This is a huge place where, I guess, Sanderson is the one who failed for a change instead of Jordan because wtf was Perrin's "lol you married now bro? haha" reaction to Mat being married to a slaver? Though Jordan also does this to a certain extent with Thom, who we are supposed to believe is in love with Moiraine, and yet who never calls Mat out on courting a woman who would enslave and torture Moiraine if she had the chance. By contrast, Eddis is genuinely hesitant and worried because of everything they've heard about how cold Attolia is, and because she's the reason that Gen's hand was cut off.

We get to see Attolia and Gen develop a shared language and see behind each other's walls. The moment when she wears the earrings that he left for her, and he knows that it means she's chosen to marry him of her own free will is such a huge and impactful moment, and the only people who are aware of what it means are Attolia and Gen! This is really a failure that happens based on earlier failures of execution: because Mat and Tuon are never allowed to be alone together, it's impossible for them to develop this kind of shared coding and shared language.

12. We also have the 'footage not found' issue, where one of the characters (mostly Mat) tries to tell me something about Tuon but the narrative completely fails to back it up: this is the case with Tuon being intelligent and perceptive (in the narrative shown to us, she never picks up on anything until her nose is forcibly rubbed in it); and this is case with Mat thinking near the end of Knife of Dreams that Tuon belongs in the same 'better than other nobles' bucket as Talmanes when she has never shown herself to be willing to make better choices than other Seanchan nobles: he is still, at this point, worrying that she might enslave him and turn him into her cupbearer; she has not only threatened but actually assaulted his companions; whenever she's placed in a position of power over other people, she takes advantage of it and them. We're told that she's not a child but she also throws a tantrum (and pottery) at Mat at the start of Crossroads of Twilight. This could have worked if Jordan had leaned into the fact that Mat is deliberately lying to himself in order to make his marriage bearable, but that's where things like randomly having Setalle Anan go over to Tuon's side messes with that narrative.

13. When Jordan has Mat think about how Tuon dying would be a deep loss to him, it's just baffling because she has not done a single thing the entire 'courtship' that has shown why in the world Mat would feel that way. All of the attempts at reaching out during the courtship are Mat's, while Tuon just smugly accepts it as her due. Because Attolia doesn't just accept Gen's love as her due, because she actually doesn't believe him and challenges him on it, we get to hear his justification of it and why he feels that way, and then we also get to see her reciprocation. The relationship is a two-way street in The Queen of Attolia.

14. Which ties into the fact that Jordan chose to make Tuon not just a slaver but an enthusiastic slaver who enjoys the slave-breaking process and that is an incredibly dark place to start a character but it could have worked if it had been the beginning of Tuon's character arc and we'd actually watched her change and grow from that position. And she had the narrative set up for it! In her very first chapter, the reader learns that Tuon has the ability to learn to channel! She was created with the narrative juice to have a compelling arc about accepting the truth about herself and her people. And then Jordan gave that arc to Bethamin instead, lol.

15. In both of these stories 'fate' does kinda serve up Gen/Mat to Attolia/Tuon on a silver platter, but the execution of the storylines makes the reveal that fate was acting to push the two of them together so much more effective in The Queen of Attolia. Choice is a much larger consideration in Attolia and Gen's relationship than it is in Mat and Tuon's. There are elements of the higher powers of the world at work in both relationships, but Attolia and Gen have to put in the work themselves and have to face hard emotional truths in order to get us to the satisfying ending. I get the impression that Tuon wouldn't know an emotional truth if it spit in her eye. We actively see both Gen and Attolia consider and reject the idea of solving their main problem (about the war) without needing to get married; we see them choose their marriage and each other.

With Mat and Tuon, this is a lot more muddled. Fate/the Pattern/the 'finn want them to marry each other but we never get any kind of payoff as to why, and this is primarily because of Jordan's other storylines imo. He should not have had Rand already willing to make peace with the Seanchan in his separate storyline. Convincing Rand to be willing should have been Mat's job (because that also would mean that Mat would need to make the arguments to convince the readers). Jordan showing at the end of KoD that Rand is willing to make a deal with the Seanchan, even at the cost of giving in on the matter of slavery, basically completely voided any narrative reason for Mat and Tuon to get married, but without the satisfaction of seeing the two of them grow to a place where they would actively make that choice rather than being motivated by what they believe is necessary (due to prophecy).

There really were the bones of a potentially compelling story with Mat and Tuon, and I really do hope that the show (when we get there) is able to take those bones and turn it into a genuinely compelling story.

[boydepartment]

can i request a comfort fic? i jus got bodyshamed cuz like im kinda skinny and im not in the best mood. Ni-Ki from enhypen pls :((

cold- nishimura riki x reader

a/n: usually i am not this specific with comfort fics however, i have experience going through this and i can write this properly. since i know how this feels first hand i can write this confidently. with comfort fics i really try my hardest to bring comfort and sometimes specific scenarios like this can get a little sticky. i really hope this helps you and i hope you’re okay. ive been body shamed many times throughout my life for being too big and too small, so i understand. lmk if you need anything anon my inbox is always open to you <3

warnings- angst to comfort, reader being body shamed, talk about difficultly to gain weight, talk about mental health, riki being kind. skinny reader.

wc- 300-500

MASTERLIST

your body laid curled up in your blankets, and tangled in your layered clothing. it was colder weather and to everyone else doing this would be pretty standard practice given the circumstances.

regardless of that fact, your main reason to bundle up was not due to the cold.

you were always cold, that was something you could put up with.

what you couldn’t put up with was the sly comments people would make about you unprovoked. even if provoked the comments that were made about you previously were extremely messed up and damaging.

you felt yourself sigh, you knew it was okay to be sensitive to this, it was human. but it really did hurt, there was no reason for anyone to comment on anyone’s body for ANY reason. however people thought they could with you. your friends thought they could with you.

you flipped over not hearing your boyfriend arrive at your home, he was supposed to come over today but you had texted him to cancel because you ‘weren’t feeling well.’ anymore. you didn’t think he would be coming over.

“you cold my love?” you heard a chuckle and you just hummed back. not in the mood for his games. and not in the mood to even become startled that he was in your home.

“i’m sorry were you asleep?” riki’s voice was soft as he walked over to the couch and laid down next to you. your body tensed up and he noticed this.

it made him scared he did something wrong.

“are you okay?” he asked, wanting to put his hand on your head and gently pat. but opting not to, not wanting to make you more uncomfortable than what he was reading from your face.

“i texted you saying i wasn’t feeling well…” you mumbled behind your blanket.

riki frowned, “i’m sorry… do you want or need anything? i didn’t see my texts otherwise i would’ve stopped by and picked you up something warm to drink.” you felt him get under the blanket, you felt yourself become nervous.

quickly you flipped over, your back facing him and you curled up a bit. taking some of the blanket with you.

he went to snake his hands around your waist as he was used to do but you panicked and moved his hands away, “don’t, please…”

the comments about you being too thin were getting to you and you didn’t want riki to even touch your body. the fear setting in that he was going to feel a rough edge or a part of your body where you were more bony than not. you were scared it was going to disgust him or freak him out. your friends were hard to believe that your boyfriend genuinely liked holding you. you could still hear their comments.

riki felt his mouth open a bit in shock, “did i do something?”

this hurt you more, he didn’t do anything, you felt like you did something wrong.

“no… i just- i don’t feel well.” your voice was wavering and it was making you stressed, if you even thought to rub your eyes you’d have to see your hands. you didn’t want to see any part of your body right now. you felt trapped, almost like you wanted to rip your skin off and just start over.

“what’s wrong… y/n please… communication is really important especially since we’re young… i don’t want to fuck this up please…” at this point riki was begging you to say something. he was stressed that he did something to you that he didn’t mean. riki couldn’t recall anything that he did. i mean he accidentally ripped your favorite pillow while you two were play fighting last week but you were laughing when the stuffing started going everywhere.

you flipped over, not wanting to torture him, “you didn’t do anything. i just went back to visit some friends and they made comments about my body.” your voice was shaky, almost panicking. because this is where a lot of people would say-

‘you’re thin why would it matter?’

‘people wish they had your body.’

‘you should be thankful that’s what they’re saying.’

you had experience of people saying that to you when you felt insecure of the bonier parts of your body. you learned quickly to suck it up, but it still hurt. and you constantly tried to gain weight. it was a difficult battle, you want to do it healthily however it’s a slow process that’s not even promised.

you couldn’t help your body and it was too taboo to share your insecurities. that’s what you learned that’s what you became accustomed to. it stung even more that people commented on your body now even without you saying something first. you felt violated.

riki felt his brows contort, he was rightfully pissed, “what were they saying?” he tried to find your hands under the blanket and did. for the first time in awhile, they were warm. you let him hold a small part of you and that relaxed him.

“i don’t want to talk about it anymore…” you mumbled more into the blanket, scared of what he was going to say. scared that if you opened up more, he’d try to hold you. that he was going to hate holding you, or finding it a chore.

“no one should be making comments on your body like that. whatever they said- clearly it effected you… and no one has the right to comment on your body. was what they were saying unprompted?” his voice was soft but firm. wanting to listen to what happened. wanting to comfort you properly.

“yes… it was unprompted and i froze up… i didn’t know how to respond to what they were saying.”

because genuinely how the fuck were you supposed to respond?

riki breathed in angrily, he was trying to properly calculate the situation and how to answer. he didn’t want to mess up or accidentally say something that could hurt you more, “i would take a break from them for a bit… maybe if you’re comfortable communicate how-“

“NO.” you practically jumped up, “they’re just going to tell me i shouldn’t be complaining and they’re totally gonna blow me off like my feelings don’t matter!”

riki’s eyes widened as he watched you settle back down, his hand rubbing yours gently, like you’d break, “okay my love… then you don’t have to… then i would just give myself a break from them okay? i’m not trying to sound like i’m isolating you either but you know your feelings matter to me. you matter to me. i will always listen…”

you nodded, he felt his heart breaking a bit when he saw a tear fall from your face. riki quickly used one of his hands to wipe your tears. you put your face more into his palm.

“when you hold me… does it bother you?” your voice was quiet, “like do i hurt you or do you feel uncomfortable?”

what the fuck did they say to you? that was the only thing that was going through riki’s head but he was smart enough to pick out the hints and signs. that was enough for him.

your friends must’ve pointed out how thin you are, he remembered you trying to gain weight and struggling to. he remembered that specific mental breakdown you had and felt so mad that your friends would just say things without thinking.

“you never bother me…” carefully he finally pulled you closer to him and held you, “my favorite thing to do is be around you and hold you… that’s not going to change okay? no matter what.”

you nodded, “i’m sorry… i didn’t mean to shut you out i was just scared… and i didn’t want you to think i was weird for getting upset about this.”

riki shook his head no, “don’t be scared to talk to me especially about stuff like this, i understand everything okay? so please don’t be scared. i know how it feels and im always going to be here to help you.”

“thank you…” you held him closer to you, riki’s hand going to your head and patting softly. his embrace was warm and you were comfortably wrapped in the blankets together. the cold weather long forgotten, the cold, harsh words that were said to you were slowly being healed, and you were starting to feel content. riki felt you relax and finally relaxed himself. he was always going to be here to help, because he loves you. those cold words people said to you weren’t going to change anything, whether you told him the specific words or not.

he loves you.

“i love you… thank you again…” your breathing was starting to slow, you were starting to fall asleep now that the war in your head was starting to die down.

“i love you more…”

[stardust-sunset]

Lowkey hear me out. Drown, by like survived Ponyboy au??? Kinda like if Johnny didn’t come with idk???

First all All, what happened was, obv in the canon book, Pony getting drowned, but instead, it was just him, he didn't take Johnny w/ him, getting drown, until the socs assumed he was dead and dragged him into the park. He woke up abo it an hour later, and deleriousky wandered around confused, until Cherry came to pick him up (Bob was drunk yapping, she came to look for him, worried obv.) and he got in her car. She was obv, pretty worried, due to him being barely, and sliding in and out of being consciousness.

He pointed deliriously to his house when she drove around, she dropped him off, and stayed with him a little bit, then left. It was a a mess for the first while but by the time he woke up, it was pretty obvious he DID sustain injuries unlike they though due to his lack of physical injuries, his right eye fucked up, his knees permanently bent, behind unable to talk without stuttering/ a speech impediment (same.), and just genuine, difficultly to concentrate, loss of some book smarts, and difficulty compasity to do things. (And frequent headaches and light headless, temors, and frequent twitches.)

They all, obviously felt pretty rough if about it, bc he was WORSE then Johnny. But they all understood, he was still pony, the only diffrence was they treated him diffrent with physical needs, but they still treated him the same.

Ooooffff duuuude…

That hurt-I think you mean that Pony was just nearly drowned? And Johnny hadn’t gone with him? But imagine his brothers…Darry blames himself for all eternity even when Pony doesn’t, and some days he can’t even look at Pony because of how guilty he feels and he swears he’s running his family into the ground and he wasn’t cut out for it. Soda’s just miserable because he can’t even sleep near his brother anymore to make sure he’s okay from nightmares and stuff. that first night pony’s mumbling like “do you have to go…?” and soda’s heart just breaks.

This was very painful but very yummy. thank you.

[jpitha]

This is one of my old favorites. I cleaned and edited it for reposting.

Downtime on the K’laxi Starbase, two humans wheel their exercise bikes out into the common area and start a ride. Their bikes have large front wheels that hum and whirr as they pedal and they both get into the rhythm of motion, enjoying the feeling of their muscles being used.

After a few moments some K'laxi stop and watch them as they work out. Kelly and Evan don't seem to notice.

After half an hour or so of pedaling Evan finally spoke “You know what I’m sick of?”

Kelly looked up from her bike. “The whole Deathworlder thing?”

“Yes! I don’t think it’s fair that everyone says Earth is a Deathworld. It implies that we’re some kind of strange being. It’s othering!” Evan was gesturing with his water bottle as he spoke.

Kelly leaned up off the handlebars, but kept pedaling. She started counting things on her fingers. “There’s plenty of other places that have storms, plenty of other races that are strong, plenty of other places like Earth”

“Exactly! It’s trying to make us out to be a stereotype and then they don’t have to learn about us as individuals.” As he got more and more animated, drops of water from Evan's water bottle started flying around. Kelly blinked when drops hit her face.

As they talked, the crowd grew. Deep in concentration on their ride, they didn't notice the attention that they have garnered.

Evan and Kelly pedaled in silence for a while longer until Pen'mun couldn't stand it any longer. He looked up from his pad. “You realize you’re having this conversation, on a K’laxi Starbase while pedaling your excise bicycles at -" He looked at a readout on the bike "-180 watts for at least one standard hour now?”

Even looked surprised. “We’re doing a century!”

"That's when you ride continuously for 160km or so." Kelly sounded matter of fact as she reached down and took a sip from her own water bottle.

Pen'mun's pad clattered to the floor. His ears flicked down in surprised frustration. “You’re not even breathing heavy!”

Kelly nodded. “He’s right Evan. Time to step it up.”

As Evan pedaled harder, he looked up and finally noticed the crowd that had gathered. Without saying anything he poked Kelly with a finger and she looked up and did a double take. There were maybe 10 or 12 people watching the two humans pedal without going anywhere. Some in the back were having quiet wagers about how long they could go on.

"What are you all doing here?" Kelly sounded suspicious as she asked.

"Um.. just watching you ride your bikes?" A young K'laxi in the front offered and took a nervous step back.

"I can see that, but why?"

"You're riding so much and you aren't even tired!" Another in the back added.

An older K'laxi on the side of the crowd joined in. "Yeah! How long can you go? I've got 30 credits with Rem'itan that says you can't go the full 160 without stopping."

Pen'mum frowned and looked like he was having a conversation with his translator. “Translator says a century is 100, but you’re doing 160km?”

Evan sighed. “160km is 100 miles. That’s the century”

"What's a mile?" A K'laxi child from the crowd interrupted.

"Old measurement. We don't use it anymore." Kelly finally started to sound like she was having difficultly speaking while she was exerting herself.

Pen found it in himself to actually be amazed in addition to being frustrated. "You're pedaling the equivalent of one hundred sixty kilometers In one session?”

“Yeah” Kelly said between breaths “doesn’t count if you stop between.”

Evan used his nearly empty water bottle to point at Pen'mum. "You're making it sound weird Pen, it's not weird."

At that, a few more K’laxi walked up to watch. People started cheering them on, and that seemed to spur Kelly and Even to go even faster.

Pen'mum opened his mouth and shut it again. His ears fluttered in frustration and his tail poofed out in irritation. He picked up his pad from the ground and went back to his book. eyes back to his book. “Deathworlders” he muttered.

[study-diaries]

Advice I'd give any one who's choosing their own subjects

Please, for your own good. Ask your seniors. Go through syllabus. I'm really serious about this, so damn serious.

A few days ago, i was on my way home and i usually travel with a junior, she's taken the same subjects as me except 2 papers etc. One is language, another one is maths. We just talk sometimes and she clears her subject doubts with me etc etc.

While we were talking, she said that the language she chose was really hard now that she actually started studying it and she was ranting about it.... The irony is that i already had warned her in the first week of school about the paper being difficult with a huge syllabus but she said she loved it and was excited, I just shrugged it off and didn't tell her anything. But now she says she regrets it.

Then, another junior travelled with me today, she took completely different subjects, more of physical sciences etc. When i asked her how her classes were ... She replied "It's not even a month and I'm regretting this"

And this is not the only one, I've heard this from multiple juniors, I've seen how exhausted everyone looked. Their faces drained. I'm not saying that in a "I told you so" way but rather in a genuine gesture.

Two things you need to do before you choose subjects:

Ask your seniors

Go through the syllabus

Things to ask your seniors:

How hard is the syllabus?

How are the teachers?

If given another choice, would you choose the same subjects again?

How are the question papers usually set? (In terms of difficultly)

What are the resources that you used for studying?

How much do the teachers assign work?

Things to look for in your syllabus :

Number of chapters and content.

Level of difficulty.

The reason why I stress on asking seniors is because they've been through the same year. They have an idea of what's going on. Don't ask your teachers, every single teacher wants you to join their class and of course she'll say that the material is easy. For a safer side, I ask 3 seniors, even if 2 give opposite scenarios, the 3rd one will be the tie breaker. Don't ask everyone's opinion, you'll get confused, just be... Careful.

And not to mention, I've heard many say things like "But it's awkward to talk to seniors." Or "We don't want to annoy them" etc etc. Honestly I, as a senior, have never felt irritated or annoyed and neither have my classmates felt that way because we all know how confused we were while choosing our subjects and we definitely don't feel awkward. Choose an appropriate time and place, the conversation won't take longer than 10 mins and at the end of the day, you got a new acquaintance :)

Hope this helps <3

[helyiios]

Imagine Ethan having a really graphic and realistic dream about Benji dying, and that dream being the thing that finally makes him confess his feelings for Benji.

Benji was not screaming. And, that being said, he’s not sure what’s worse. Benji’s perfectly quiet, but his eyes are wide. They’re pleading.

He’s hung around a rope, a rope with small rusty nails, and they’re digging deep into his skin, and he’s not even screaming.

Ethan’s watching, kept inside a glass box, similar to the one they’d trapped Lane in, and he’s punching the walls, trying his upmost best to do something, to fight back, he’s yelling at Benji, Benji whose hands are gripping the rope and trying to tear it away, Benji whose wide and clear eyes are scarred with tears, Benji who’s crying so hard he’s perfectly silent.

The nails dig deeper, and the flesh around his neck is more red than his usual light beige, and his hands are covered in warm blood, and Ethan’s still screaming, begging the gods above to put him through it instead of his friend, his wonderful friend who did not deserve this.

“I’m sorry,” he’s barking at him, “I’m sorry, Benji I’m coming ! Just hold on ! Hold on for a bit more, I’ll definitely save you !”

The other man keeps looking at him, wide eyes desperate, and it comes to light that Ethan wasn’t leaving that glass box. He couldn’t.

He was stuck there. Made to watch Benji struggle to breathe, covering himself in thick red blood, sweat and tears dripping down his face, and he feels sick.

Just like Lindsay. Just like Julia.

They took everything from him.

They’re—

He roars in pain, begging to the nothingness to let Benji go, they’re taking him away from him !

It can’t…they can’t do that, he thinks, and now he’s crying too. They can’t just take Benji away from him.

Please, he pleads. Please. Anything, anyone but him.

Anyone.

Benji’s face’s constricting, and with a final tensing of his body, his hands drop to his sides.

He’s not moving anymore, Ethan realises.

He bangs on the glass harder, blows his knuckles up, there’s torn flesh and blood, and he’s screaming.

Benji’s perfectly still, head hung low.

Dead.

No.

No, please.

Please, don’t do this to—

“ETHAN !”

He jolts awake, swallowing back a scream of surprise. Benji’s staring at him like he’d grown a second head, his computer long forgotten on the bed next to him.

“Wh…”

“You good, buddy ?” Benji asks, walking up to him surprisedly, “you were having a nightmare, I think.”

Was I ?

“I was ?”

“You were mumbling something, huh, and my name. Didn’t sound too pleasant.”

“I…” Ethan blinks stupidly, taking in his friend’s body. The long curls falling idly on his forehead, the well trimmed beard, the wounds on his face, and the year old hypertrophic scars like a necklace around his neck. “Benji.”

“Yeah, Benji,” his friends chuckles, sitting next to him. “You alright ?”

He shakes his head no, and that makes the other man furrow his head in surprise.

“So, nightmare I take it ?”

“You…were in it,” Ethan difficultly admits. “You were—you were hanging from a rope.”

“Ain’t that familiar,” Benji laughs airily, but upon seeing Ethan’s decomposed face, he grimaces. “Sorry.”

“There were nails on that rope. And you were bleeding, I was stuck—stuck in a box. Looking at you.”

“Like the Lane box ?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, E,” Benji gently says, boldly tucking a hair strand behind the other’s ear. “It must’ve been a hard watch.”

“I watched you die,” Ethan replies, and the way his voice wobbles is a clear indication he was really close to tears. “I thought—I watched you die, Benji.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, “but I’m okay. Yeah ? I’m tougher than I look,” he smiles. “And I—“

His voice dies down as Ethan grasps him, bringing him into a tight hug, his head tucked in the crook of the other’s neck.

“Don’t die on me,” he begs, “don’t die.”

“I’m not going to die,” Benji whispers, running a hand through the other’s longer hair, “I’m here, yeah ?”

“If you die,” Ethan chokes out, hot tears pouring from his eyes, “I can’t do it.”

“That’s a bit hyperbolic. I’m sure you could.”

“But I don’t want to. I want you. You to be with me. I…”

“You’re under shock,” his friend coos, “you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know what I’m saying !” Ethan protests, pulling back to stare at the other. “I can’t lose you, Benji. Not now, not ever. You’re my other half.”

“You’re not losing me,” Benji croaks out, feeling his own tears puddle up in his eyes, throat tight. “Never. Yeah ?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They stay like this for a few minutes more, until Benji exhales, tracing circles on his friend’s back.

“Are you feeling better ?”

“I think so,” Ethan shyly nods. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, it’s okay.”

“I meant it, you know,” he adds, looking at him bravely. “About you. Us.”

Benji’s lips are a perfectly thin line, and he’s staring at his shoes.

“Did you ?”

“Yeah.”

“For the record,” the younger man says, finally looking back at him, “I think you’re my other part, too.”

Ethan finally smiles.

When they kiss, it tastes like love.

[perplexingluciddreams]

Using the internet and technology with high needs autism

I have been trying to put this into words for a while, but due to the exact thing I am making the post about, it has been very difficult.

First of all, a short (ish - I am not the best at concise) background of me and technology: Used to play games on dad's phone, and later watch YouTube videos on family tablet (with parent restrictions). However, ability to navigate devices was very limited, and if something went wrong I just panic and give to an adult.

We used computers a bit in school for work and educational games. Every time we went to the "computer area" I would cry because I knew I wouldn't be able to find the webpage on my own, or sign in to something, or type in a word document. At these times in school, usually another pupil would just sigh loudly and then come and do the computer thing for me over my shoulder.

I had an MP3 player that I got for I think my 8 or 9th birthday. The only thing I knew how to do, was play music and google search. But I still didn't really understand what a "link" was, or how to find important information. We were supposed to learn online research skills in school, but nobody ever explained the most simple stuff to me, so I lack the basic knowledge.

I got my first phone at age 10. This was when I also first get Instagram, my first social media (parents set up for me). I was in a group chat for my school year, but the only time I put a message there is when mum asked me to ask a question, about a non-uniform day for example. Nobody interacted with me in there, and apart from the messages I don't know how to navigate the app. I posted a few pictures a few times, but only when someone else recommended, and I didn't interact online.

I have poor language comprehension, slow processing and take longer to learn new skills. My computer skills and especially typing skills are majorly behind my peers. I have slowly learned some skills allowing me to be even on Tumblr in the first place, but I still need a lot of support and it makes me very anxious. Part of my difficultly on social media, is the social interacting part. Mostly due to low interest.

But my biggest challenge is poor comprehension. I get very anxious and upset when I come onto Tumblr and all the posts I try to read don't make sense to me. Especially when the post is about a topic I care about - if I read it and I can't know what people mean, then I will just be very upset for the rest of the day.

Second biggest challenge, not being able to express opinions on important topics. Often, I can't even understand something. Then, I can't form an opinion because it's too complex. Or, I have an opinion, but I don't understand if someone agree or disagree with me from what they write.

I work so hard to gain skills and learn enough to even be here, and then all I can find about people like me is other people arguing about our existence. Want to express my frustration at this. To even write this post I had support from mum, and it takes all my mental energy.

It is true that I have low interest in socialising - direct impact of autism. So social media maybe not best place in the world for me, by default. But I still want to understand and be included. Not be treated like place to just ask "am I counting as high support needs". I don't understand even my own needs enough to answer this for myself - I definitely can't answer for anyone else.

A lot of my challenges, come direct from autism. That's just a fact. Wish it was easier, very often. But also wish it was easier online - I can't be part of outside community, only online.

I post here to express thoughts and feelings, that is also just what this post is doing. I did less big big edit on my words this time, wanted words to be closest to how I think it (don't think in words so not possible to show abstract thoughts direct, but closest to first translation).

[emswritingsstuff]

what about rosita noticing reader breathing difficultly and starts having an asthma attack. maybe it’s never happened before to reader so she’s v scared i love a good “i can’t- i can’t breathe” angst moment

ooo!! i like this idea a whole lot. i love writing for Rosita so much

--

Breathe In the Air (Rosita Espinosa x Fem! Reader)

Disclaimer!: right off the bat i don't have asthma, so if i say something incorrect my apologies! dr google was my BFF for this

WC: 838

--

The air felt heavy in your lungs, following the railroad track proving to be more difficult than usual. Today's run was just a simple food and medicine run with Rosita. You were usually in the back when traveling on foot so that wasn’t the cause for alarm, what started worrying you was the coughing. It wasn’t like you to have constant coughing fits, but today was different. It wasn’t good. 

“You okay back there?” a voice spoke up, you looked up to see Rosita. She was walking backwards so that she could talk to you directly. You cleared your throat and took a quick breath in and responded, “Yeah just, not feelin’ good today.” That was followed by a quick cough, one that felt like someone had punched you in the lungs. 

“Want us to stop? Take a quick break? Looks like you need one.” You put your hand up waving her off. You guys had a job to do, and you didn’t want to be the reason it took longer. As you kept going the more weight you felt, it was like someone was constantly putting pressure on your chest. It got so bad you just stopped walking and bent over to try and relieve some pressure, to no avail. You were farther behind now. Not wanting Rosita to worry, you quickly acted as natural as you could and attempted to catch up. 

That did you in, something was really wrong. You shouldn’t have gotten light headed simply speed walking to catch up. Due to the lightheadedness, you fell to your knees. The thud of all your stuff falling out your hands alarmed Rosita. She bolted to be by your side, confused on what was even happening, and something told her you weren’t sure either. 

She placed her hands on your back and shoulder trying to soothe you in your state of panic, it somewhat worked, but not enough. “Hey, hey, what's going on?” Rosita asked in the most comforting voice she could put on, knowing damn well she was panicking herself. 

You could barely speak, feeling like your throat was completely trying to kill you. And maybe it was? Who knows, because you certainly didn’t. “I can’t…I can’t breathe,” you were finally able to muster out. 

Fuck. Asthma attack. It finally clicked. 

“Okay. Fuck okay, just try and steady your breathing. Do you have an inhaler maybe?” Rosita knew she probably had the answer, but she wanted to double check. You quickly shook your head no, still struggling to catch a single breath. 

You need to get back to Alexandria, now. Luckily the car wasn’t far. But it was still going to be a struggle for you to get over there, and she sure as hell wasn’t leaving you. Carefully, she brought you to your feet and supported you the whole way to the car. She kept telling you reassuring things like “Almost there honey, just hold through, please.” and “Breathe in the air, just try and breathe.” You had to say it did help calm your nerves, which you really appreciated. 

As soon as you got to the car, Rosita got you settled and immediately drove off. Almost driving like a bat out of hell, but not crazy to make sure she didn’t stress you out more. The drive felt so much longer for the both of you than it did before. Rosita breathed a sigh of relief the minute she saw the gates of Alexandria in her view. 

Eugene was the one to open the gates for her and soon as she was in the town, she called for some help. Rick was closest to you both and immediately ran over, “What's wrong?” Rosita gestured to you in the passenger seat, struggling to breathe. “She started having an asthma attack on the run, she needs help now.” He wasted no time in picking you up out of the car and rushing you to the infirmary. 

Rosita ran a hand through her hair and quickly followed Rick, the adrenaline in her body clearly not catching up with her thoughts or emotions. He was faster than her though, getting you there and getting you help before she even walked through the door. Thank god Densie had an inhaler on standby in the medicine cabinet and was able to get it to you. 

Finally, you looked peaceful, no longer struggling. At some point tears had fallen down Rositas face, she quickly wiped them away and moved to stand by the bed you were laying on. Silently going to hold your hand with both of hers. 

You flashed her a small smile and finally spoke, “Sorry I scared you,” you tried to laugh but only a cough came out. Rosita gently smacked your shoulder, “We can talk about that later, rest,” she said softly. You nodded and turned over slightly to get comfortable. 

The stress of the day had worn you out, almost immediately drifting off into a light slumber. Now you both can finally breathe in relief.

--

so sorry if this is bad, i tried..

[mysadcorner]

Hi, may I request Jason Todd, with a s/o who has Aspergers? Difficultly with socialization and reading social cues. But they're the sweetest person, but can be assertive when necessary. Not into reading books much.

Thank you.

Jason Todd x ASD!Reader Headcanons

-Credit to the gifs owner - Please be specific about characters wanted in requests -

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When Jason first tries to get to know you he probably wouldn't realise that you have any form of ASD due to his brashness, and because of this you may first see each other as being rude. This would be a huge misunderstanding though, as he would have been less judgemental of your slight behavioural differences to other people if he had realised.

Once he's realised that you ASD, or you've directly told him, he would actually feel quite bad and embarrassed about his behaviour. He'd take the time to apologise for anything that may have come across as rude or made you uncomfortable in private; although he probably wouldn't do this in front of others depending on who was around at the time.

Jason becomes very welcoming and tries his best to accommodate to anything you may need or would prefer being changed while he's around, especially if he's expecting you to come over to where he lives (such as inviting you over when people you don't know wouldn't be there so you don't feel uncomfortable). He'll do this in public too, and will take charge of any social interaction if you prefer him to; but otherwise he'll let you be independent and figure out what you prefer by watching your behaviour.

After figuring out what you like and the things you prefer to do, he'll try his best to get closer to you. He doesn't want to push you away accidently so he'll take his time and go at any pace you want - for a good relationship Jason doesn't mind taking his time and waiting as long as he needs for you if there are any things holding you back at the time.

Jason likes to find small things to connect the two of you, even if they are based or caused by entirely different things. Jason himself hates social interaction and having to put on a mask for public appearances with Bruce, and despite this being very different to what you go through on a daily basis, he likes to connect his feelings during times like that to how you may be feeling pretty often if he can to try to understand you a bit more.

He'll love your kindness more than anything else and will actively admire it as much as he can. What makes him proud though would be that your kindness wouldn't be taken advantage of, and you'd only give favours to those you truly trusted, while maintaining your ground towards anyone who tried to get around things hoping you'd let them go.

He also loves the fact that you can be assertive and know exactly what you want. Jason hates when people can't make up their mind which changes plans considerable, so when you know exactly what you want well before it's going to be done or is expected he gets very relieved.

If you don't like books that much then he doesn't mind, but you will have to make do with him liking them if you want him to stick around. He loves books and will have them all over his apartment, so he doesn't expect you to read them he just wants you to put up with him always having one around or reading himself while you have something of your own to do.

If your relationship becomes serious, Bruce will invite you to attend galas with Jason, as Jason himself is expected to go a lot of the time before he becomes Red Hood. Depending on how old he is, he'll accompany you and direct attention away from you if you're uncomfortable by the people there or after he becomes Red Hood you won't need to worry about going at all.