#i hate that i'm wasting my two week break hating this fucking curse i got bestowed on me

[kyurilin]

"plan ahead for a healthy and happy holiday" YES THANK YOU CVS I TRIED TO PLAN AHEAD BUT YOU DROPPED THE BALL ON REFILLING MY ADHD MEDS FOR THE THIRD TIME IN 2023 and frankly if they fuck me over again on today the 29th when they've told me since the 18th that it will be ready i will be punching a pharmacist for flat out lying :)

[astoldbychae]

Questions for OC Couples: Marguerite & Scar (The Most Toxic Duo) 🥴

1. Where and how did they meet? Online (Meet & Mingle Dating App). She swiped right & He wasted no time "sliding in her DMs" or whatever.

2. Was it love at first sight? Love? Nah...Lust? Absolutely!

3. If it was not love at first sight, how and when did they know it was love? Love hasn't really entered the chat for these two just yet, honestly. Things are still relatively new-ish and they're currently caught up in the rapture of intense lust. All they do is fuss, fight, & fuck (in that order). However, He does care about her quite a bit. She's always hot or cold when it comes to him, so mamas is just vibing at this point. They really haven't shared that "singing from the diaphragm like a 90s R&B love song" type of I love you just yet.

4. What feature(s) do they find most attractive about their partner? For him it's her eyes, feet, mouth 😏, NOLA-esque accent, and ass. For her it's the scar on his face, his bottom lip (specifically), his tongue, and (most importantly) his dick. THESE TWO ARE NASTY!

5. What traits / personality aspects do they like most about their partner? She loves the fact that he's Jealous. He loves that she's Evil (he really has a love/hate relationship with her smart mouth). Aside from all that she loves that he is Protective, Artsy, and about his business. He loves how Independent, Ambitious, and Adventurous she is.

6. Do they have any habits their partner finds annoying? For him, it's how much she curses and her tendency to "cut him off" during their conversation (Respectfully, respect is a BIG thing for him. It's a pet peeve for someone to over talk/dismiss him). For her, it's his alcohol consumption.

7. Is there anything about their partner they would like to change? He would really love for her to let him finish his sentences (especially during their "heated debates"). She would love for him to cut back on the Cognac. However, these two are so damn toxic that I think they feed off of this behavior. Their little cycle: She starts argument, He gets pissed cause she won't listen to a word he's saying (so he ends up walking off pissed and gets a drink to calm his nerves), He gets tipsy (and those eyes get reaaallll low), She tries to continue the argument but somehow ends up folded like a damn pretzel, screaming his name at the tip top her lungs with her wig swingin' from the chandelier. 😩 THESE TWO GET ON MY NERVESSSSSS. Lol.

8. Where did they have their first date? Bella's Lounge (An upscale strip club)...it was Marguerite's idea.

9. When and where did they have their first kiss? After their "first date," they ended up back at Scar's place (He has a condo in Del Sol Valley for when he's there on business). They smoked and ended up fuckin. He was kissing, sucking, and biting all over her. He wanted her to "see how good she tastes," so he kissed her after giving her head. It wasn't romantic necessarily but it was definitely transcendental. 🙃Honestly, this moment is what got her evil ass hooked! It was one hell of a night!

10. How long have they been together? About 7, maybe 8 months

11. Will they stay together for a long time? I have no clue but some part of me has doubts. She gets the whim to break up with him at least once a week. She is always finding a way to push his buttons and he reciprocates that energy (sometimes) because He knows it gets to her.

12. Do they have many problems in the relationship or just a few? Or none? ABSOLUTELYYYYY. Half the time I'm clueless on what their problems are about BUT they stay beefin with each other, just to make up. However, He has the Hates Children trait...and she has 3 (and would like to have more). She hasn't brought her kids around him (but he showed up to her shop once and ended up meeting her oldest daughter briefly...and they somehow now despise each other). Overall, their communication could use A LOT of work (and is the root of ALL their problems) mainly because of her.

13. Is there a big age difference between the partners, a small difference or are they the same age? Nope. She's 31 and He's 36.

14. Do other people approve or disapprove of the relationship? Yup! There's some disapproval...on Marguerite's side. Scar likes to keep his dating life private (primarily with his line of work). He did tell his brother about their relationship, he just hasn't been introduced to her yet (He's in Chestnut Ridge and his brother is in San Myshuno).

15. If someone disapproves of the relationship, who is it, and why do they disapprove? GeGe (Marguerite's oldest daughter) HATES him off of one interaction. She snitches to her dad about him during their chatty family calls...which causes Melo to be weary of the relationship (cause he doesn't play about his girls).

16. Does the couple care if people disapprove of them being together? Nope.

17. Are they married? No ma'am! Lol

18. If they’re not married, do they want to be? I believe Marguerite does but I'm not sure it'll be to him. She's very much still in love with her ex-husband (although He has moved on). Scar has never been married and hasn't really thought too much about it. She's tried to talk to him about marriage a few times and each time he gets a bit tense and autonomously sparks a blunt. However, Melo did get a random ass call from her asking what she should do because she found a ring in Scar's bag...He told her that if she had to come to him about it then it must not be serious...and it's been crickets on the topic! I personally think she was just lying and trying to be messy. Which is what she does best!

19. Would they elope, have a small intimate wedding, big fancy wedding, or something else? If She were to get married again, she would elope. She's a loner and doesn't really care for people that much. She is all for a beautiful moment with just her and her man. As for him, marriage hasn't crossed his mind like that.

20. Where would they go on their honeymoon or dream vacation? Tartosa! She's got expensive ass villas saved on her phone as we speak. She may not go all out for the wedding BUT the honeymoon is going to be EVERYTHING! Knowing her, she most likely will try to make this into a "world tour," visiting SEVERAL expensive ass villas around the simverse!

21. Do they have any children? Do they want any? She has 3 and would like more. Him on the other hand...🙃 (between you and me...He's got one that he doesn't know about...and he may just blow a blood vessel when/if he finds out) *grabs popcorn*

22. What is their favourite thing to do together? Argue & Fuck. Listen, these two are just unhinged, toxic, and nasty. This is all they do! It's probably why she's always fussin' at him, she wants to go on more dates but he can get tunnel vision and laser focused on work. 15th Street ain't gonna run itself now! Lol.

23. Where is their favourite place to go together? Strip Clubs and this Soul Food spot in Lykke Center, Windenburg. It's honestly a hidden gem.

24. Do they have a song? Blackstreet - Deep ... 😑 (Scar has this on repeat...and I wanna kick him in the shins because of it!)

25. Do they have any pet names / nicknames for each other? He calls her "NuNu". She calls him "Handsome" or...wait for it "Daddy" 🙄

26. Are they jealous? Y-E-S. He is! She's just evil, possessive, & loves to argue (so maybe she is too but he actually has the trait! Lol).

27. Is this a first relationship for either of them? Nope. She's divorced (Melo's ex-wife) and hasn't had any other real relationship since. He has had quite a few situationships but nothing serious honestly. For a bulk of his young adult years he was incarcerated. Since he's been out, he's back to focusing on business. To him, "pussy is pussy" (in his words) but he does care about Marguerite more than he has any other fling...so that counts for something (I guess). I personally would love for him to give his heart to someone. I feel that he is capable of doing so (but my game has a mind of it's own).

28. How do they show affection for each other? Fussin' & Fuckin...a kiss, massage, or a kind gesture here and there but right now...it's just Fuss, Fight, Fuck...and repeat. 😒 Imma need them to find a new cycle of affection cause I'm tired!

29. How do they cheer their partner up when they’re sad? Good question...It's rare that either one of them ever gets sad. Honestly, the only emotion that they express on the regular is being Angry or Tense...and they fuck that away (whenever they're near each other). So I'm sure they'd find a way to fuck the sadness away, knowing them. It may not be the healthiest thing but they be communicating with each other's bodies & releasing whatever emotion is bottled up during their pretzel folding, wig swingin' sessions. 😣

30. Is either of the partners a ‘hopeless romantic’? Nope. Not at all. Nowhere close. 😂

Thanks for the ask @prin-ces-a 💛

[wh6res]

dreams come true | yuta

"soulmate or not. i don't shoot blanks." — ny

[ part of the my bloody valentine collection ]

tw. gore, blood, murder, death, killings, mentions of illegal organ trafficking, violence, mentions of stalking, minor character deaths, weapons (a knife and a gun), almost (??) suggestive content but nothing happened

disc. this is rlly fucked up and yuta is unredeemable. i dont condone such acts. this is all a work of fiction and meant to entertain.

wc. 5k

every time you sleep, the void is sickening. it was all you could see, lightyears and lightyears away of pitch black that made your head dizzy and your stomach dry heave. you've always wondered when you'll start dreaming about your soulmate's memories. they were like little secrets, another way for two people to be intimate without even being together. their days were flashing before their soulmate's eyes in the form of a dream. it's as if you spent the day with them!

you loved it, the whole concept of it. it sounded so wholesome and sweet and jesus fucking christ, you've always been such a hopeless romantic.

it was sweet until it turned sour. you loved it until you hated it. it was romantic until it turned downright terrifying.

you wake up covered in cold sweat, panting and gasping as if you've run a whole marathon.

moonlight seeps through your glass window, slightly left ajar for the midnight breeze to pass through – you walk up to it, pull it shut, and draw your thick curtains together. you exhaled, breath shaking as you tried to anchor yourself back to the ground.

with the only source of your light disappearing, darkness envelops you whole. for once, you craved the void. you want that void back if it meant never seeing something like that again – something straight out of your worst nightmare.

"119, what's your emergency?"

"uhm, i think… i think i just witnessed a massacre."

you reiterate everything you saw in the dream – the mahogany door, paint chipping off the drywalls. the doorknob was rusty, so were the hinges, and it made an ominous creak when pushed open. the light switches on, the first you see was a bunch of dirty ice coolers in what should've been the living room, it wasn't even the slightest bit organized. they were everywhere, and the floor looked grimy and disgusting, like there's a stain they can't seem to scrub off. only when your soulmate has stalked closer did you see the labels haphazardly taped on top of the ice coolers.

kidneys. livers. lungs. pancreas. intestines – you nearly vomited on the floor, trying to relay everything you saw to the operator on the other end of the call.

then came the gruesome parts.

their deaths.

they were five people in total. men clad in cheap t-shirts and pants, wearing all these similar leather jackets. some were well-built, ripped in the arms and thighs, but some were skinny, the jackets hanging on their small frames.

they never stood a chance against him.

your soulmate is agile, quick on his feet with outstanding eye-hand coordination. only equipped with a butcher's knife, but it was all he needed to take them down and send them knocking on inferno's gates. he was skilled, knowing when to pounce and where to slash his knife to maim but never to kill. by the time your soulmate was through with them, everything is bloody red. all the victims' eyes widened as they sputtered and choked on their blood – not dead, but dying...

because your soulmate wasn't done yet.

a killer should have a modus operandi, should they not? so he took out a desert eagle, stood before the bleeding bodies, and shot two bullets straight into their eyes. the finishing touch? carving a frown on their faces with his butcher's knife.

the operator only told you one thing after she's made you describe the place for them to track the crime scene down.

"double-check all your windows and doors."

because you couldn't be too sure, not when you have been granted a front seat to the sad face slayer's most recent endeavors.

the detective eyes you with a certain pity. maybe that's why you don't bother meeting his eyes. you sit still on a chair, camera blinking red behind him, the interrogation room is freezing even with the thick jacket you're wearing.

seven billion people in the world and you're soulmate's a ruthless serial killer who took it upon himself to purge the world of evildoers – he was playing god, no wonder the detective is looking at you like that.

"uhh…" he's awkward, fidgeting in his seat. "and you saw this all in a dream?"

"yes."

you've known him only minutes ago. mark lee was his name and he seems to be a subordinate of a higher, more experienced detective named kim doyoung. you don't know whether to feel offended or not for having a doe-eyed newbie taking care of the case, but you pushed it at the back of your mind, knowing his superior is watching on the other side of the two-way mirror.

"did you have, like, other past instances where you dreamt of him? of what he…" mark looked like he was going to throw up. "what he does to his other victims?"

you shook your head. no. "i've mostly just heard of him on the news. i don't think i have the stomach to find out in-depth what the killer does."

mark takes out a folder, features walking the fine white line between looking apologetic or wanting to say me too. "i'm, uhh, really sorry to hear that."

there's a sudden pregnant silence encapsulating the interrogation room. it felt like you were mourning for something, the chains of dread dragging your heart to the ground as it pounded against your ribcage. mark looked like he wanted to say something, but you swore his eyes darted towards the camera in the corner and decided otherwise.

"anyway…" he trails. flipping the folder open in one swift motion. "past sightings have given us the sad face slayer's name."

he slaps down a picture of a man, his hair raven and a permanent scowl etched on his face. the quality was shitty. it looked like it was a screenshot taken from zoomed-in cctv footage.

"nakamoto yuta, twenty-five, japanese, and has slipped one too many times past authorities that at this point, it's practically a talent."

and just like that, it made sense why you're here.

your lips pursed in contemplation, palms quaking as your fingers reach forward to inspect your soulmate's picture. "and… you want to use my soulmate connection –" you glowered. never had a sentence sounded so fucking cursed and utterly wrong. "– to catch him?"

mark can't look you in the eye. "yes. he's very elusive. his killings have been happening cross-country and, as you can see, have garnered national media attention. the police are hanging by a thread here. a month in his case and all we got is his MO, name, and that he has this weird god complex on him. if we can't catch him by the end of next month…" he shrugs. "the feds are going to interfere, sooner or later."

"so…" you trail, urging him to continue.

"so, we need as much information about him as we can get and your dreams about him will be able to provide that."

fucking great.

the much newer revelations of precisely who it was on the other end of the soulmate connection put a significant damper on your mood. you'd like to think your new little cop buddy who follows you around gives you the least bit sense of security, but alas, it doesn't. not when you've seen first hand how yuta took down five men all at once without breaking a fucking sweat – you absolutely refuse to call him your soulmate, you'd never accept a person with his nature as a soulmate.

you try to hide the bracelet mark handed you last two weeks ago, during your time spent in the precinct's interrogation room.

"please have this on you at all times until we catch him, okay? this is for extra measures, just in case something happens to the cop assigned to guard you. just press the little button here and we'll be there before you can even finish shouting 'help!' – hey, i was just kidding! what's with the face?"

considering you're now probably being hunted alive for snitching on a serial killer? mark lee, that was not funny at all.

"do you have to get inside the lecture with me?" you whine, shielding your face with your hair when you notice people shooting glances at the rather handsome cop they assigned to you. "it's not like he'll attack in broad daylight! and in a fucking classroom, for that matter."

jaehyun looks just about ready to hurl you out the window. "lower down your voice," he scolds. "serial killers don't pick a time and place, sweetheart. he kills when necessary and if it's fucking necessary to murder everyone in that classroom to get to you? he'll do it in a fucking heartbeat."

you sigh when the chair next to you screeches against the floor, the aforementioned male taking his seat right next to you. jaehyun felt more like a babysitter than a cop, who seems to have a habit of constantly inputting his not-even-needed opinions on the most superficial things.

are witness protection protocols like this?

it was a good thing that overgrown bat doesn't come hanging around in your apartment, but he does have the police car parked right across the building's entrance. judging by how meticulous and thorough he seems to be, he won't miss any face that comes in and out of the building.

you didn't forget exactly why you're under witness protection. for the cops to waste one good officer to follow you around, you needed to be valuable and being valuable meant sleeping through nightmare-induced dreams of what your soulmate does for a living. the scenes are so gruesome, so graphic and utterly gory, that you dart towards the bathroom first thing after waking up in cold sweat, draining all of dinner down the toilet bowl.

after dreaming of him in action a few times, you've now completely understood what detective lee had said regarding yuta's god complex. it was unsightly, yet there was a twisted sense of heroism to it. if there's one thing, he only gutted the bad guys – but that didn't make nakamoto yuta any less of a bad guy, himself.

i need to ask you a favor [sent 2:05am]

JJH: what? [received 2:10am]

often the nightmares were too much. too much that you thought of escaping its horrors by never getting a wink of sleep ever again – until you realized you're a witness and is probably the only chance for the seoul police department to catch that bastard.

buy me sleeping pills? [read 2:08am]

when you peep out of the window, you find an empty spot across the road where jaehyun usually parks the police car. twenty minutes later, you answer the knocking on your door. he used that little "code" he did for you to know it was him. jaehyun was glowering and muttering about how he wasn't some errand boy when he shoved the plastic bottle in your hand yet, you still thanked him nonetheless.

the pills worked like a charm. you managed to stay asleep throughout the whole night, ceasing those episodes of yours where you jolt awake in the middle of dreaming about the sad face slayer's memories.

life continued for you. it became a little bearable, but that didn't mean the horrific murders you see in your dreams are something you can get used to – you don't think you'll ever get used to the sight of him slashing his victims, the blood trickling like a goddamned waterfall.

today the dreams were different. anticlimactic, per se, if you compare it to the violence so utterly present in his memories.

the first you see were black gates, then it shifted to him ordering coffee in a café (amazing what a simple black mask can hide). it switched to him walking on a sidewalk, then he arrives at his destination, an apartment building – it wasn't too rundown, nor was it extravagant.

the serial killer takes the elevator and walks up to a mahogany door –

your room number is a blaring sight.

you couldn't be wrong, not when the 506 with the missing zero in the middle was a sight you saw every day, going and coming home from university.

that was your front door.

he was at your front door.

you jolt awake, ignoring the icky feel of sweat making your clothes cling onto your skin. ice creeps up your spine and freezes you over when you notice with a sinking realization.

those black gates are from the university you attended. that café is your favorite study nook. and that sidewalk is a route you take every day.

you clamp your hands on your mouth as tears roll down your cheeks in rivulets. you pull the comforters up above your head, fear gripping onto you with a vice-like grip as you sob.

it was in the dead of night, moonlight grazing the confines of your room and hours away from dusk. you finally utter those three words in a frightened whisper.

"he's stalking me."

as if having the overgrown bat jaehyun following and annoying you around wasn't enough, you now have another person keeping watch over you. mark lee, unlike jaehyun, may not be as ripped with muscle, but you heard from your cop buddy that the young detective has a few black belts under him. people at the precinct said that if they have to choose one person who can ever come close to the sad face slayer's agility, mark lee's your guy.

"you gotta be shitting me," you mutter, leaning close to jaehyun to whisper like high school girls talking about gossip. "he doesn't look the type!"

jaehyun, in turn, plays along and copies you. "yeah, true. he gets that a lot, i think,"

"guys, i'm literally in the back seat. i can hear everything."

the change hadn't been too drastic. at least mark was there when jaehyun proved to be difficult, pulling him towards the other way when the older male tried waltzing into your class again. "you don't need to sit next to her in her class! are you serious? there's one exit and entrance and we're on the fifth floor. breaking into that classroom will be the end of nakamoto's serial killer career!"

you shoot mark an appreciative smile, one he quickly returned before hauling jaehyun around the hallway. "we'll just be at the canteen, okay? press the 'lil button on your bracelet and we'll be right there!"

shaking your head with a slight smile on your face, you entered the classroom, sat in your usual spot, and did some of your readings from our other class to kill time. you hardly hear the screech of the chair next to you as it was pulled back. not like you cared much for whoever sat down next to you, but you can't deny there's that feeling of missing jaehyun when he used to force his way into the lecture.

"settle down! settle down, people!"

the professor enters and the class begins.

you were meticulous with your note-taking system. it's thorough, leaving no room for information to slip you. having already printed hard copies of the powerpoint presentation and simply jotting down some extra key points mentioned by your professor.

you were just about to raise your hand for a question when you feel something warm graze past your arm. you absentmindedly look down.

the breath is sucked right out of your lungs.

hi, soulmate

there, scribbled with an ominous red crayon on a small piece of paper. it was almost laughable how innocent it looked but when you follow the ring-clad hand, up the black hoodie he's wearing, and finally to his face—

"hi! i'm yuta."

his cheshire smile spikes up your heartbeat. it makes you want to throw up, makes you want to slam your head against the desk. the fight or flight hormone you have is making you restless, eyes pinned on the serial killer sitting next to you, scared that if you avert your gaze, he's going to take out that desert eagle and shoot you until your skull caves in and the bullets in his magazine empties.

"but judging by your reaction, i don't think introductions are needed, hm?" his tone is easy, conversational even and it shoots a freezing jolt of fear right up your spine. it makes you sweat profusely because you don't fucking know what to do, your thoughts in complete and utter disarray.

"just press the little button here and we'll be there before you can even finish shouting 'help!' – hey, i was just kidding! what's with the face?" you swallow, sneakily pressing the button without breaking eye contact with the serial killer sitting in front of you.

"look upfront. now." yuta orders and you nearly snap your neck as you turn your head with lightning speed.

"i thought i was above the soulmate rules, but here we are. my soul is either too tainted or too great to be tied to such trivial things, but oh well, we learn to work with what we have. surprisingly, i learned to like dreaming about how your day went."

you feel something sharp poking at your thigh and when you look down, he has a silver butterfly knife pointed against you. the precision of the angle he held it with doesn't slip your notice. one slice of that knife, no matter how small, and he'll be spilling your guts in this classroom.

a fat tear rolls down your face.

"can you imagine how much my heart broke when i learned you were spying on me? leaking information to that snobby detective? to those incompetent cops? bad baby, that was very bad of you."

"yuta—"

"you think the cops can save you from me?"

his other hand comes in contact with the nape of your neck, holding your head in place as he leaned down to invade your space. he scoffs, and you can picture that terrifying cheshire grin you've seen one too many times in your dreams.

the knife digs through your coat, the tip hardly poking your skin only because he doesn't want to drive it into you yet. how did he even manage to get inside the university? not to mention the weapons he possessed? shouldn't anyone be suspicious when they see a man dressed in all black, clad in jeans and a hoodie, into a university—

he even dressed the part. with that hood drawn up and carrying that one notebook, he looked fairly normal. someone who can easily blend in with the crowd.

you eye your professor, willing him to look at you but your soulmate is having none of that. you squirm when he drives the knife further, at the base of your stomach. with his other hand, he twirls a lock of hair around his finger. "now, now, soulmate. you don't want half the people here to get hurt, do you? unless... that can easily be arranged—"

"no!" you whisper, head jerking to the side to look at him humming in satisfaction. damn. out of all the faces he's seen contorted with fear, yours is his absolute favorite. with those pleading, glassy eyes and parted lips, yuta is tenting in his sweats.

"thought so," he chuckles. "let's get up. we're leaving. that old crook doesn't care if students just up and went in the middle of his lecture."

you don't want to think about how he even knew that because it implied attending the lectures a good amount of times. it's with sinking realization that jaehyun was right. if it weren't for him insisting to sit next to you, nakamoto yuta would've long gotten you in his claws.

you tried gathering your things until he purred into your ear.

"ah, ah, ah. you wouldn't be needing those with where we're going."

the hallways were empty, not that you had much time to scream for help when he had a knife pointed up your back, shoving you into the fire escape stairs. within the tranquil confines of the staircases, the sad face slayer couldn't fucking care less for your personal space.

he disgusts you greatly, he needn't do anything but stand there in front of you but you can already smell the long blood trail from his path. it reeks of rotting flesh and that infuriating god complex he had left a sour aftertaste.

"you know, i genuinely wanted to get to know you," yuta pouts, shaking the hoodie off his head. his hair raven, it's ends kissing the nape of his neck. he looked like he came right out of a shounen manga but the bloodlust in his eyes is something that can never be masked. "i detested the soulmate connection at first, i thought i should just kill you off because you could be my loose end."

his humorless smile is enough to give you nightmares.

"but seeing how sweetly normal and untainted you are made me hold back," the butterfly knife appears before your line of sight, yuta teasingly dragging the tip right down your cheek to trace your tears. "so, why did you snitch, baby?"

you shiver when he noses the side of your neck, inhaling your scent as his other hand hooks underneath your top, freezing fingers making you jolt. when you don't reply, his patience starts to dwindle. then again, he was never a patient man.

"answer me, you bitch. why did you rat me out?" gone is the playful lilt in his voice. the vibrations surge through you as his deep, demanding voice scares you shitless.

you feel, hear, and smell him everywhere. this wasn't like any nightmare. this is real, and you won't magically wake up on your bed, sighing in relief, knowing he isn't there, that it was all just in your head. no, this was very much real and there's absolutely no escape.

"i didn't," your voice cracks. "i didn't mean to—"

"bullshit!" he yells. you wail in pain when he slams you against the wall, head aching as it came in contact with concrete. "because of you betraying me, i nearly fucking got caught, and i never get caught!"

you were full out sobbing at this point, noisy and unsightly as the snot mixes with your tears. your only hope now is he gives you a quick, painless death and that he doesn't carve and mutilate your face like what he always does to his other poor victims. "i'm sorry! please... i'm so sorry. i was scared—"

he coos mockingly, tilting his head to the side as he inched his face closer. "aw, scared? my sweet little soulmate was scared?" he places the blade flat against your neck. as humiliating and degrading as it was, you almost peed on your clothes. "how about now? i'm sure as hell that you're fucking terrified for your useless life right now."

you cringe when his hand abandons the expanse of your stomach, no longer inching higher, finding its purchase on the hair sitting at the crown of your head. he holds you in place like that, forcing your head parallel against the wall, with his whole body pressing up to you that it's nearly suffocating.

"just one quick little slice," he taunts. you hiccuped when you feel the feathery light scrape of the blade moving against your skin. "you won't even have time to scream… but i'm sure we don't want that, do we?"

you forgot how to speak. forgot how to breathe. whenever your mind wanders, you've always thought about how you'll give this killer a piece of your mind, with the amount of fear and sorrow he inflicts upon other people. but you guess realities were a lot more different than expectations. the yuta you dreamed of meeting is in handcuffs, but fate is a fickle little thing.

"do we?" he repeats, slicing ever so slightly at your skin. enough to draw blood in droplets, never a waterfall.

"n – no."

he smiles. "you can make it up to me. do you want to make it up to me?"

the butterfly knife digs even further. a warning. and if you value your useless life, you should be smart enough to know what to answer. drawing a shaky breath, you tried forcing the ends of your lips up to a smile. "of course, yuta."

your voice breaks as your sobbing grips your body whole. the fear consuming your entire being like a parasite consuming the host. you would've shut down altogether if it weren't for the calloused hands gently gripping your face. "i know, i know. i see how regretful you are, baby. don't worry, i won't hurt you. you'll make it up to me."

anyone would be fucking stupid if you believe those words coming from a serial killer.

in your wrecked state, you barely register that he's pushing you down to your knees. skin coming in contact with the freezing linoleum floor as you refuse to look at what his hands are doing. yuta has pocketed his knife. the sound of a belt unbuckling in itself added insult to injury.

you stare blankly at his shoes as he shoves his bottoms down enough for his cock to show. if you squint hard enough, you'll see tiny splatters of blood in the shoelaces. whether or not he feels you're unresponsive, he doesn't show. maybe he doesn't care entirely. he takes one of your hands and used it to wrap around himself. he gasps, sharp, followed by a hiss.

you feel it throbbing and it strengthens the disgust you feel. no way you're going to give him the satisfaction of eye contact when you're already forced to blow this psycho.

"eyes up."

you sniffled, vulnerability present in the tone you speak. "i don't want to. please, don't make me."

if words alone aren't enough for you to follow orders, maybe you'll feel more motivated if held at gunpoint. it's unmistakable, the infamous desert eagle you've only seen in your nightmares. the last thing you ever expected is to be on the side where the bullet comes out.

the barrel is freezing as he digs it into the crown of your head. "soulmate or not. i don't shoot blanks."

your eyes looked up then. glaring as the tears rolled down your face. "you're a monster," you mutter under your breath. where you got the confidence to fight back is unknown.

"i've heard that before, be more creative next time," he holds your hair tight in one grip, shoving you forward, eye-level to his throbbing dick. "now… suck, baby."

"freeze!"

you knew that voice, you've been hearing it for the last two weeks. "jaehyun–!"

yuta cuts you off, shoving the gun into your mouth. the safety clicking off resonating in the tranquil room. it's deafening, and it makes you immobile.

"hands up. step away from the civilian." whether or not mark is nervous as he points the gun at the serial killer, he's doing a damn good job of hiding it.

yuta sighs, exasperated as he throws his head back. his raised arms came down to tuck himself back in his jeans, and the action made jaehyun's calm exterior crack. "i said, hands up, asshole!"

"chill out, motherfucker. i'm just trying to wear my pants." the serial killer hisses, glaring at jaehyun over his shoulder.

"mark, call back up already. what are you doing?" jaehyun mutters, side-eyeing the young detective whose gun shakes as he holds it up. the taller cop takes a step forward, eyes never leaving the notorious killer as he addresses you curtly. "(name), come here."

just as you plant your palms to the ground to push yourself up, one of yuta's hands shoves you down quick as lightning. "no. she stays here, with me."

jaehyun scowls, takes another step forward. "and what makes you think i'm going to let that happen?"

"i don't think. i know."

there's a constant ring in your ear as the gunshot temporarily renders you deaf. you've shut your eyes in utter fright, hands shooting up to cover your ears but it was too late. you refuse to open your eyes, you didn't want to see a dead body lying before you, even if it belonged to a heartless serial killer.

but when your eyes fluttered open, it's not yuta bleeding out on the ground.

"no, this can't be – jaehyun!"

it was a bullet straight to the head, no one could've survived a shot like that. his eyes are empty as he stares at you, unblinking, stoic. the color is yet to drown away from his milky complexion. but you can't even manipulate yourself into thinking that jaehyun's still alive. not when his eyes are empty, not when he just looks so lifeless.

it couldn't have been yuta who pulled the trigger.

his weapons were on the ground and the shot rang too fast. the sad face slayer couldn't have crouched down for his gun to shoot the cop, it would've taken too much time. and among the three men, there's only another person holding a weapon, and that was –

"great shot, mark."

the detective smiles, but with the blood splattered on his face, it looked cold. "told ya i've been practicing."

yuta hauls you up by the arms, addicted to how frail your body feels as it collapses against him. he's finally got his little soulmate in his arms. and he will never, ever let you go.

the cops lost – you've lost.

yuta, with a sense of victory coursing through his veins, took the liberty of trailing little pecks down your neck as he mutters, "mine, mine, mine!" but you couldn't care less about his display of mocked affection. not when the other person meant to protect you, turned out to be everything you think he wasn't.

mark must've felt the gravity of your stare as he crouches before jaehyun's bleeding body. grabbing the fallen cop's gun, he took it upon himself to empty the magazine. the lopsided grin he sends you broke your resolve more than yuta ever could.

"i'm sorry. it's nothing personal."

jenoluck (c) all rights reserved

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter ten: "Set me free my honey bee"

Word count: 11,6K

Summary: Let's jump 19 months in time and see how painful it has turned for reader and Spencer to hide their feelings for each other. JJ leaves the team, and a new member joins the BAU.

Warnings: Angst and hurt. Fools being assholes. Cursing, of course. Mention of CM cases and spoilers on S06E11.

A/N: Please don't hate me. Just remember things usually look like the shit before they get worst, and then everything is better. I hope.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

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(Y/N)'s point of view

Time is a weird thing. I remember when I was in school and time didn't pass fast enough. Semesters were eternal. It felt it had been years by the time summer vacation arrived. The complete opposite happened to me at the BAU. Suddenly, time passed too quickly. A whole year and a half went by in the blink of an eye.

I told Spencer about it, and he sent me a paper published by Professor Adrian Bejan that presented an argument based on the physics of neural signal processing. He hypothesizes that, over time, the rate at which we process visual information slows down, and this is what makes time 'speed up' as we grow older.

My answer was that I thought it happened 'cos as we grew older, we did things that actually gave us joy, which made us feel the time was passing faster than before. So we argued a whole Saturday afternoon about it and created our own theories for that event.

My theory was my personal favorite, 'cos it was the only one that could easily explain why so much time had passed in the BAU, and it felt like it had been just a few weeks.

It hadn't been easy, though. Those nineteen months had been filled with some of the worst situations we had been through as a team.

After I got shot, JJ finally admitted her relationship with Will and got pregnant. That was shocking, the first BAU baby: Henry.

Sadly, Henry was the only little good thing that happened that year. Because to sum it up, a bunch of awful shit happened to all of us: Hotch was in a car explosion that almost killed him. Spencer and Prentiss got trapped in an undercover mission into an underground cult to investigate child abuse, and Emily was beaten up pretty badly. Also, Spencer got infected with anthrax and nearly died. That was probably the most agonizing moment I had lived since the whole Tobias Hankel situation two years earlier.

Also, that year Prentiss had to investigate the case of the death of one of her best friends, and I was in a pretty nasty fight with an unsub that got me out of the field for three weeks. Not to mention, Spencer was shot in the leg.

Hotch was stabbed by the only unsub that has actually won against the BAU: Foyet. He attacked Aaron and got on the lose for months, but we all knew his next move as torture Hotch's family. That's why his ex-wife Haley and his little son Jack had to go into protective custody, and he couldn't see them for months while we tried to catch Foyet.

Things didn't go as planned. And without a doubt, the worst moment that year was the day Haley died. Foyet killed her, and Aaron lost it. He literally killed him with his bare hands the moment he got him. For a solid week, I was sure Aaron Hotchner wouldn't be the unit chief anymore. Strauss actually opened an investigation related to everything that happened that day. But in the end, somehow, she understood the "bloodbath" that had happened in that house was all in Foyet's hands.

However, there's no way to deny that the whole team had changed in many ways after that year. The concept of being a family was now more present than ever. After chasing Foyet for months, we were all onto him as if he was chasing our own family, because he was.

You don't work this kind of job with a team like mine and don't get attached to them. And this goes beyond how in love I was with Spencer. The (Y/N) who first stepped into the BAU, scared to show her true self, was long gone. And despite my deepest fears, letting them in and showing them who I really was had been one of the smartest decisions I have ever made.

Do you want to know which was my stupidest decision? Falling in love with Spencer Reid. It hadn't actually been my choice. I just didn't fight the feeling either. I don't think I could have even if I tried, though. Those nineteen months brought us so close, my mom thought we were living together, and the teasing from our friends was so common we weren't even affected by it.

For Christ Sakes, even Strauss thought we were dating! She forced us to attend a seminar on fraternization, concerned after she realized we always took our vacation together. We had a lot of fun trips, though. First, we visited his mom and had an amazing weekend in Las Vegas. Then we took a few days off after the anthrax incident and went to Hawaii. Picture Spencer Reid in an "all-inclusive," drinking all the coffee and eating all the pastries possible while reading a million books underneath an extra-large umbrella. We had fun that week, did some local touring, but most of all, sleeping in and relaxing. Spencer hates the beach but got those tickets anyway.

Did everybody think we were a couple? Yes

Did it help that we shared rooms, 'cos we were already used to it? No

Did it feel like a honeymoon without sex? Yes

Could I stop thinking about sex with Spencer? No.

And all that led us to the nightmare our relationship was going to become.

Penelope Garcia was drunk. She kept pouring shots and pushing them to us. Emily was wasted as well. But she kept acting like the classy lady she is. Not like JJ. My poor baby had mascara smeared under her eyes after crying for like an hour.

We found out she was leaving the team, and it was a hard blow on us. And by hard, I mean the worst thing that had ever happened to us. We had suffered without JJ when she was on maternity leave. And we struggled without her. Now knowing the Pentagon had taken her away from the BAU was torture.

We had a goodbye party for her at Rossi's, but this was our goodbye girl's night, and neither of us was holding anything back.

We had cried, we had sung sad songs. We drank all the champagne, wine, and vodka we could find. And now, holding our tequila shots, we knew it was time to call it a night.

- "I just love you girls so much,"- JJ whispered, crying- I don't wanna work without you.

- "Boo, come here!!"- I opened my arms and wrapped them around my friend, kissing the top of her hair a few times- "I love you too, and you are going to come back so soon you won't have time to miss us. You'll see. Papa Rossi and Dada Hotch are gonna fix everything."

I was drunk. Seriously drunk. But that wasn't the reason why I was so sweet with JJ. The truth is, I was broken-hearted. Like Penelope and Reid, I didn't manage change very well, and the fact that JJ was forced to leave made me feel frustrated and mad. But most of all, it made me think of every time I had been a little bitch with her during the years. And I regretted each one of them.

- "And we won't be far!"- Emily added and caressed JJ's arm, smiling kindly- "You will still be in town, and we will not leave you alone"- JJ chuckled and nodded.

- "I know, girls. Shit, I love you all so much!"

- "We love you too!"- Penelope sobbed and moved closer, wrapping the three of us in her arms.

- "Please, take care!"- JJ wiped off the tears from her eyes and looked at us- "Emily, don't do anything stupid! Don't rush in the field, and please don't take your fucking vest off!!"

- "I won't! I promise!"

- "You have to live to be Unit chief one day!"- JJ added, and Prentiss widened her eyes, shocked.

- "That's not really my gold."

- "But you'd be queen, baby!!"- Jareau added and turned to Penelope- "And you, please make sure Hotch eats. I kept a stack of granola bars on my desk to keep him fueled during the day. He usually forgets lunchtime and skips dinner, so..."

- "Don't worry, JJ,"- Penelope nodded, and we all felt our heartbreak a little thinking about all the things JJ did in her daily basics to take care of the team, and we didn't even know.

- "How are we going to survive without you?"- I mumbled, pouting. JJ chuckled and held my hand.

- "You are a rock, and you will do a fantastic job keeping this team together. Just, please, can you and Spencer start dating now?"

I wide opened my eyes and stared at JJ. The comment surprised me. I shouldn't, 'cos the whole "you and Spencer should start dating" joke was getting old. Only this time, JJ wasn't joking. She held both my hands and looked right into my eyes.

- "(Y/N), he loves you"- I was about to argue with her, but she covered my mouth with her Cheetos smelling hand.

- "Don't say a word! Spencer loves you so much you really must be blind not to see it. And I know you love him too. It's implied in all the little things you do for him every day. So don't take it for granted. Don't think this will last forever 'cos look at me! A week ago, I was happily working at the BAU, and now I'm drinking at my goodbye party! So don't waste any more time! You are in love with Spencer, and he loves you! It doesn't take a profiler to see it. So please! Act on it!"

There was a dramatic silence after. I didn't know how to break it. I could just joke around, but somehow, it didn't feel right. It had been too quiet for too long, and that made everything harder to deny. Finally, Emily put her hand on mine, just like JJ was still doing, and smiled at me.

- "There's nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/N). You are not the first person to fall for her best friend."

- "And the Junior G Man loves you so much,"- Penelope added, landing her hand on our hands too.

- "As his friend"- I corrected and sighed. I guess that was it. After three years, I could probably start facing my feelings in front of my friends.

- "No, (Y/N)"- Garcia tried to argue, but I shook my head and stood up, 'cos all that sudden attention and affection was bothering me.

- "PG, I was in Hawaii with the man, sharing a room, walking around in a bikini, and he didn't do anything."

- "That's because he is shy!"- Emily excused him right away.

- "My bikini leaves pretty much nothing to the imagination. Do you know what he said when he first saw me on it?"- I looked at my friend and poured us another round of tequila- "And I quote, "I don't think I brought enough books. This one is too interesting."

I air quoted with my fingers as we spoke, and the three of them looked at me, speechless. I made my point and drank my shot, feeling the alcohol burning down my throat. My friends opened their mouths but didn't produce a word. I sighed and looked at them.

- "But he hates the beach, and he took you there anyway,"- Emily pointed out

- "Did he give you his speech about how he hates sandy food?"- JJ asked me, and I chuckled, nodding.

- "And about pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, and of course, the real reason he hates the beach: drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces."

- "And the man took you to the beach!"- Penelope argued.

- "But he didn't do anything! he didn't make his move, didn't even hold my hand!!"- I nearly shouted- "That's why, among a lot of reasons, is how I know Spencer is not interested in me! If only I'd tell you all the shit we've been through!"

- "Please!! Tell us!!"- Garcia begged and grabbed one of my legs- "I won't live another day 'cos I won't be able to deal with the mystery!"

- "No! 'cos you are gonna tell Morgan"- I slurred- "And he is going to embarrass and tease my honey bunny, and my honey bunny is gonna get all nervous and nervous around me, and we are never going to..."- I stopped talking and looked at my friends. I was sharing too much.

- "(Y/N)?"- Prentiss looked at me, but I just shook my head and looked down.

- "I think I better go home."

- "No, you can't drive like this,"- JJ argued immediately and held my hand- "I'm not gonna let you go intoxicated. Will is gonna come pick me up, and we'll drop you in your place."

I nodded at her and stayed still. My friends smiled at me, and slowly very slowly, I leaned on JJ's shoulder and rested my head on it.

- "I love you, boo,"- I whispered, and she giggled- "I don't think I'll stay sane without you there with us anymore."

- "Hotch is gonna manage to get her back,"- Penelope assured me, and I just nodded.

- "Meanwhile, we won't replace you, and if anyone tries to push someone new into the team, we are not gonna take them,"- I added, feeling JJ's hand holding mine.

- "Don't be mean with people just 'cos you miss me. If there's a new teammate, it won't be their fault I was pushed out of the BAU."

- "But, JJ,"- I tried to argue, but she shook her head right away.

- "No, (Y/N). You can't be mean to people just because."

Clearly, my friend hoped I could be the better person. The simple question was: did I want to be the better person? Right there, drunk and sad, the answer was no.

Spencer's point of view

I kept finding myself awake at four in the morning, walking around my apartment, not able to read or to write anything. For the last months, at least twice or three times each week, I would stay awake, no matter how tired I felt, and I would haunt my own apartment, listening to my vinyl records.

The sudden lack of sleep wasn't really something weird in me. I have always been nocturnal. Besides, the news of JJ's departure had hit us all pretty hard. I had already shared my share of tears and tried to manage the fury that caused me to know we were helpless to the government's decisions. There was nothing we could do, neither us, Hotch, or even Strauss. Not that she would if she could.

My family was in crisis, and all we could do was hope for the best and stay together.

It was scary losing JJ. It made me think of all the things that could go wrong every day on the field daily. It was bad that we could get hurt or even die on our work. But that they divided us that way made no sense. Like Rossi said: our loss was someone else's winning, and in the FBI, no one cared if we lost.

I poured myself a cup of herbal tea and inhaled the smell of it. It smelled like home. Like (Y/N). She had some of her favorite teas in my apartment. She had a bunch of all her things there, actually. When mom visited, she thought we were living together. She is still sure we are dating and that I don't wanna tell her. I don't longer argue with her about it. It's useless, and it somehow feels good to imagine in another world. It was actually true.

That year my feelings for my best friend had grown in a way that made it all more difficult to deal with. I didn't just love her. I was in love with her. She was in everything I did, in each and every one of my thoughts. I could hear her laughter in my head, like a record playing my favorite song over and over again.

When she was out there in the field, I couldn't stop running all the probabilities of her getting hurt, and most of the time, I would do my best to keep her safe, knowing it could somehow interfere with the case.

Hotch had called me to his office a few times, aware something was going with me. He could read it on my face, I guess. It was scary to know everybody could read my feelings for (Y/N) but her. And it was sad to think of the worst: that she knew how much I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, and she was just being my friend 'cos she was never going to be anything else but my friend.

I drank my tea and hummed the song that sounded in my house at four in the morning: Love is a losing game. Seemed pretty accurate for my mood. I remember the day I got that vinyl. We were out with (Y/N), Frank, and Lu, looking for a present for Mikey's birthday, and we ended up in a record store, getting a million vinyl records for ourselves.

- "Are you getting all those?"- (Y/N) asked me and looked at the seven albums in my hand.

- "Yes, why? I can't?"- I answered and raised an eyebrow.

- "Sassy!"- she giggled and grabbed them- "You can get all the albums you want. But I have to give my approval first. No, you are not getting this!"- she grabbed The Beatles' Revolver and left it aside.

- "What? Why? It's only one I need to complete my collection."

- "I know, but when you get it, you'll force me to listen to it, and I don't like the Beatles,"- she argued, and I just shook my head, taking the album again.

- "Sorry, chipmunk, I'm buying it."

- "Fine. I won't go to your house for the next couple of weeks then."

- "Why don't you tell me which album you wanna listen to when you are in my house then?"- I looked at her, smiling at me and looking for a record on the shelves.

- "This! You need some Amy in your life."

And I did. Now, at four in the morning, all alone walking around, I could see her in my apartment, singing along to her favorite songs while cooking dinner, feeling at home. I wished she was there, with me, doing nothing. Watching tv, or reading. Just hanging out. I knew it wasn't healthy being in love with my friend, seeing her every day, and also hanging out with her every chance I got. But even when I knew she was never going to love me the way I did, I was going to take every chance I had to enjoy her company. If that was all I was going to get.

My phone took me from my thoughts, and I quickly walked to my room to get it. I thought it was Hotch announcing a case, but it was JJ.

- "Hey! JJ, everything ok? Is Henry ok?"

- "Yes, hi Spence. We are all ok."

- "It's four in the morning."

- "Sorry I woke you up... I just..." - she made a pause and sighed at the other side of the line- "Spencer, you know I love you."

- "I love you too. You are one of my best friends. Is everything ok?"

- "Yes, I just wanted to... remember a bunch of years ago, when you asked me to that football game?"

A million years had passed since the one and only time I had asked JJ out. It was the only move I tried to do on her, and I failed incredibly. It was awkward, and she had no idea it was a date, so she invited Garcia to come along. I was so embarrassed I never even mentioned that single event ever again, and our friendship grew after.

- "Yes, I remember, JJ. Why?"

- "When you asked me out, did you have a crush on me?"

- "JJ, are you drunk?"- I had to ask 'cos that conversation was starting to scare me.

- "Yes, but that's not why I'm talking about this. Just answer the questions, Spence. When you asked me out on that date, did you have a crush on me?"

- "Yes, I did."

I closed my eyes, embarrassed to face feelings that were far forgotten.

- "You see, I had a crush on you too back then,"- JJ said and chuckled- "But neither of us acted on it, and life continued, and now I'm in love with Will, and we have a baby, and you are his godfather."

Of all the things I thought I would listen to that day, never in a million years, I imagined I would hear JJ drunk telling me she had a crush on me when we first met.

- "Now, do you want that to happen again?"- she asked, and I didn't get it, 'cos I was still trying to process what I had just heard. So I might have had a relationship with her if only I had said something, act on it. Kiss her, ask her out again?

- "What?"

- "Spence. Do you want to miss the chance to be with the girl you like?"

- "No, but JJ, what are you talking about?"

She sighed, frustrated, and used that tone of voice with me, that very maternal specific tone of voice she used to explain things she knew were hard for me to follow.

- "When you like someone, Spence, you have to tell her. 'Cos sometimes, life gets in the way, and if you don't do what you have to do to be happy, no one will do it for you."

- "Are you ok, JJ?"

- "Yes, Spence, I'm ok. I'm home with Will. We just got here after dropping (Y/N) off her place."

- "How was she?"

- "She might have had a few too many drinks, but she'll be ok in the morning. Maybe she'd appreciate it if you brought her coffee and donuts."

- "She doesn't like donuts,"- I corrected her- "She likes cupcakes and brownies."

- "Sorry. Coffee and cupcakes... just tell her you love her, Spence. She deserves to know."

I held my breath and closed my eyes. I didn't get why JJ was telling me that, but I knew I didn't want to talk about it. So I said good night and hung up.

What was the point of telling me we could have been a couple of years had passed already? Why didn't she say a thing before? Or even better, why didn't she ever say a word about it at all? So I missed the chance to be happy with her. Great. One more regret to add to my list.

I laid on my bed and tried to remember that date. I was so nervous that day, my hands shook inside my pockets as I walked to JJ's door. She looked beautiful that day, especially when she looked at me and announced she had invited Penelope to join us.

That was when I realized she would never see me as a proper date, just like a friend. And I learned to make my peace with that over the years. My crush for JJ lasted a few more months, but it vanished when I fell for (Y/N). What if she had never joined the team? Would I have been in love with JJ forever? Jeniffer always made me feel like her little brother, and I guess that's the mechanic that works for us. We were good friends ever since we met, and yes, I had a crush on her, but we work more like siblings than anything else.

What was the point in telling me I had missed a chance with her now? I just couldn't see it.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The next few weeks were us trying to survive without JJ. The team was making the best it could, but it was hard. Penelope took the lead during the second case without JJ. She turned into our tech analyst and communication liaison, only to collapse under the pressure of having two roles.

No one was going to replace JJ. We all knew it. Literally, no one, 'cos Hotch decided he and Garcia were going to split the job, and we were all going to collaborate as much as we could, 'cos we were a team. A family. And that's what families do.

And families were the target of the unsub we were hunting the day everything changed. Again. I hadn't recovered from the departure of JJ when Rossi and Hotch walked to the bullpen and introduced us to Agent Trainee Ashley Seaver.

My nemesis.

- "Agent trainee Seaver"- Rossi smiled at her like a proud father and looked at us as we stood up, wondering who she was- "Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss, (Y/L/N), and Morgan."

- "I've heard so much about the three of you,"- she said with the sweetest tone of voice I had ever heard. Something about that felt odd.

- "I hope it is all good- Morgan flirted right away, of course."

- "Very, sir."

- "Anything specific? I mean about me in particular?"- I turned to him and failed in holding back my chuckles.

- "Please, don't encourage him, or he will never stop talking,"- I said, and Derek elbowed me playfully. Seaver smiled at us and even blushed a little bit. She was nervous.

- "Agent Seaver is on loan to us from the academy while she is remedial training with an injury."

Hotch announced. And my stomach tightened right away. There was something wrong with that whole scene. I could feel it in my guts. But I didn't know why?

- "Concussion. Hand to hand got a little out of control."- Seaver explained and kept a silly smile on her face.

- "How's the other guy?"- Prentiss asked.

- "Don't ask."

- "I was remediated in the academy also,"- Spencer said, walking over us, and suddenly I understood why I had a bad feeling about everything.

- "Agent Seaver, Dr. Reid."

As soon as I heard Rossi say those words, there was a part of me who just wanted to hold Spencer's hand and push him away from her, even before they could say hi. She looked at him like he was eye candy, and I clenched my knuckles as I stared at the scene.

- "Uhm... What was your issue?"- she asked him, and I could see the pink on her cheek intensifying as he looked at her, confused.

- "What was my issue? Marksmanship, physical training, obstacle course, Hogan's alley. You know, pretty much everything that wasn't technically book related. They ultimately had to make exceptions to allow me into the field."

Seaver stared at him and kept nodding, though I wondered if she was listening to what he had said. Spencer looked exceedingly handsome that day. His hair was very short for the first time in years, and he still had no idea how to comb it, so it was all over the place, making him look as hot as fuck.

I was so in love with him, I didn't know what to do with those feelings at all. It was hard working with Reid at that point. I just wanted to kiss him.

- "Agent Seaver's going to accompany us to New Mexico,"- Aaron announced, and I couldn't help but question him right away.

- "She is?"

- "As a consultant."- he assured me.

- "On?"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at Hotch, wondering what a trainee agent could help us with as a consultant.

- "She has a unique perspective,"- Rossi tried to explain, but it sounded like bullshit.

- "They don't know?"- Seaver turned to the elderly agents, and they shook their heads.

- "Well, we weren't sure how you wanted to,"- David whispered.

- "Uh... Seaver's not my original last name. It's my mother's maiden name. Mine used to be Beauchamp. My father is Charles Beauchamp"- Ashley was supposed to explain the circumstances of her consultancy to the whole team, but she just looked at Spencer as she spoke.

- "As in the Redmond ripper, Charles Beauchamp?"- he asked her, and suddenly, it clicked. It was like my whole body was telling me I couldn't be close to her for a reason.

- "That's him,"- she whispered and kept her eyes on my best friend as he continued talking.

- "He killed 25 women over 10 years in rural North Dakota. I think that you caught him, right, Rossi?"- and David nodded.

- "Hotch was on that team, too."

- "Based on her life experience, we were hoping that agent Seaver might recognize something in the family dynamics inside the community that could be helpful. We have a plane waiting,"- Hotch announced and looked at us, but none of us said a word.

I kept my eyes glued at my feet the whole time Aaron talked. Then, Spencer nodded and walked with Seaver and Rossi out to the hangar. I couldn't even blink. I think I was in shock.

- "Her father was a serial killer?"- Prentiss asked Hotch, not getting what he was thinking.

- "That's definitely a different set of parameters,"- Morgan added. Neither of them was sold on the idea, which made me feel a little bit better.

- "I don't want her presence to get us sidetracked. It's a long shot that she's gonna see anything helpful. We work it like any other case,"- Hotch was clear, and Prentiss and Morgan nodded.

- "You got it."

But I disagreed with that.

- "(Y/N), is everything ok?"- Aaron asked me, and I tried my best to lie and be cool.

- "Yeah, I'm ok."

- "Ok. We work this like any other case. Wheels up in twenty."

But everything was far from being ok.

I sat next to Spencer on the jet, and we reviewed the case files together. Hotch briefed us, and we all pretended it wasn't weird having Seaver there. And I guess we had to pretend it wasn't odd knowing her dad was a serial killer.

- "You are very young, (Y/N),"- she said and smiled at me. She was sitting across from Spencer and me, and you could tell she had been trying to join the conversation for a few minutes now.

-" Twenty eight,"- I answered and looked at the files again.

- "And you, doctor?"

- "You can call me Reid. I'm twenty eight too,"- Spencer cut her a short, awkward, and nervous smile, and I turned to him.

- "Honey, did I leave my Mets jersey at your house?"- it was the only question that came to my mind at that minute. It was completely random, but somehow it showed a part of our dynamic that Ashley didn't know. Our friendship. Our closeness.

- "Yes, I found it last night,"- he answered and sipped his coffee- "I was gonna bring it over, but then I remembered you always borrow all my sweaters when you are home or when you stay over, so I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep it at my place."

- "I don't know, Batsy. It's my favorite sweatshirt- I raised an eyebrow, and I'm pretty sure I even flirted a little bit."

- "So? You need to keep one there."

- "But I like wearing your clothes when we are at your place. It's extra large and extra comfy."

- "Is that why you keep taking my sweaters back to your house?"- he asked and chuckled- "Last Sunday, I found four of my sweaters in your closet."

- "Sorry, I'm not even sorry,"- I said and laughed- "And what were you doing in my closet?"

- "Lucy, Ricky, can we focus on the case?"- Morgan asked and waved at us with one silly grin on his face- "We love hearing your adorable daily adventures, but we've got a psycho killer to catch."

Spencer blushed and flustered right away. I stuck out my tongue at Morgan and just shook my head. The way Seaver looked at Reid was still driving me nuts, but I felt I had shown her he was mine, childishly.

It's embarrassing to think that's not the most childish thing I did around her those days. Or in the weeks to follow. But I didn't like Ashley, and I didn't want her around my team. And it wasn't just her constant flirting with Spencer. It was the fact her father had killed my mother's sister when she was in college, and I was making my best effort to keep that fact aside from work. My personal life had to stay out of the FBI, especially when working a case.

I had to do some serious mental work trying to remember it wasn't Ashley's fault her father was a sick bastard. She hadn't hurt my family, and her father had ruined her life too. It wasn't her fault.

But one thing is knowing. Another thing is being rational about it. Spoiler: I wasn't so rational about it.

- "So, (Y/N). Do you like working at the BAU?"- Ashley asked me and looked at me through the rearview mirror. We were in the SUV, and Prentiss was driving. I was in the back seat, trying to ignore her, but she made it impossible.

- "Yes, very much,"- I answered and nodded, not taking my eyes from the window.

- "Everybody is very friendly,"- Seaver added and made a pause. I don't know if she wanted me to say something or if she was trying to find a way to say what she wanted to say.

- "Yes, they are,"- I humored her, and she quickly responded.

- "Are you and Spencer dating?"- I could feel the blood raising my cheeks as she spoke. And Prentiss flashed me a look through the mirror as Ashley continued talking.

- "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just wondered because of the fraternization policy."

- "Right. Sure. Of course."

Those three words were meant to let Ashley know I wasn't buying her bullshit, So I literally spit them.

- "Spencer is my best friend. We are not dating."

Facing that simple truth had never been harder before, especially after how I saw Ashley's face light up.

- "You just seem to be so close."

- "Oh, they are close,"- Emily smiled at me and winked- "They are so close, they sometimes freak us out."

- "We freak you out?"- I raised an eyebrow and carefully hit her arm, pretending to be upset. But honestly, I was glad she was teasing me.

- "I am just saying, we are all pretty suspicious about you two. I am actually surprised you didn't share rooms tonight. They usually share rooms."- Emily explained to Seaver.

- "He was paired with Morgan,"- I pouted and looked at my phone. I thought maybe I could send him a funny text. I actually wanted to hang out with him.

- "He is very nice,"- Ashley added- "I mean, everybody is nice."

- "Yes, you mentioned it"

I was clearly not being nice. Seaver nodded and looked at the files again. I assumed she was trying to find a way to keep asking about Spencer, and I was making my best not to kill her.

- "Working with a genius must be somehow intimidating,"- she said after a few minutes. Damn it, she wasn't going to let that subject go.

- "It's fun working with Spencer,"- Prentiss said, trying to humor Seaver. And mostly, I guess trying to ease my mood and keep me from killing the trainee agent.

- "I'm sure it is,"- Seaver added. I hated her.

- "He is more than just a genius, he is a nerd."- Emily pointed out and chuckled at her words, making Seaver giggle too. I looked at my book again, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on it at all. He was my nerd. Mine.

- "Well, it's very refreshing to be with a group who trusts and works so well together,"- she added- "I had never felt less judged and more welcome in my entire life."

I know I should have felt sorry for her. But I honestly couldn't. That was the day I realized I wasn't the good person I thought I was. There was a part of me that was a scumbag. I'm guessing knowing that is pretty helpful and positive 'cos you can work on your flaws. But I wasn't planning on working on anything at that minute, though. I just wanted to break Seaver's face.

Spencer's point of view

I didn't like working without JJ. I've never been good with change, and that was a massive alteration of our routine. I missed her, and adding Ashley to the team made things even weirder for me, even for a case. I didn't want to be judgemental, but her father was a serial killer. Of course, that would make things weird.

Besides, everybody kept bugging me, teasing me, trying to see if I liked Seaver. Penelope called while we were on the case and started taunting me, saying she knew I thought Ashley was cute. I could see she was beautiful, but I couldn't see her that way. And I didn't want anyone to say those kinds of things around (Y/N).

Why did I care so much?

I didn't want to face it 'cos I knew it was completely platonic, but I didn't want (Y/N) to think I had a crush on Seaver. I knew my best friend didn't have romantic feelings for me, and I also knew I wasn't going to make a move on her or anything. But I didn't want things to change more than they already had. And most of all, I didn't want anything to alter my dynamic with (Y/N).

But at the same time, somehow, it felt everything was already different between us.

- "Hey, honey bunny,"- (Y/N) walked to me and handed me a cup of coffee- "I thought you might need one of these."

- "You are a lifesaver,"- I whispered and sipped the cup. It was perfect.

We were on the jet on our way back home. The whole team was mostly quiet. The mood was weird. Ashley had done something quite reckless earlier and nearly got herself killed. She walked to the unsub's house all alone, not knowing he was our guy. She almost died, and none of us can even imagine what went through her head to do such a thing.

Rossi and Hotch walked to her. (Y/N) looked at me, and I could read on her face that both of us knew what was going to happen.

Ashley was alone when David sat in front of her, and Hotch stood in the middle of the aisle. Maybe that had been insensitive of us. Neither of us tried to contain her. Neither of us really knew her that well. Or at all, as a matter of fact.

- "You were not supposed to go off on your own."- Hotch went straight to the point.

- "I know,"- she whispered, and I could see how (Y/N)'s face changed. I tried to read her, but all I was able to see was... anger? I had to be wronged. She had no reason to be mad at Ashley.

- "You could have been killed,"- Hotch crossed his arms on his chest and stared at her.

- "I know that, too."

- "Why, Ashley? You're smarter than that"- Rossi sounded like a worried father. I didn't look at him 'cos I kept my eyes on (Y/N)'s, still trying to read her emotions. But what I saw made no sense. She really looked like she was angry at Ashley. Like she hated her.

- "I never got to apologize to any of the victims. The families of the women my father killed. I thought if I could just apologize to one family that had been hurt that way..."

And that was when (Y/N) snapped. She jumped from her seat and walked to Seaver. Aaron and David looked at her surprised, and Morgan turned to me, taking off his headphones. Neither he nor Prentiss got what was happening until that moment.

- "Ok. Shoot!"- (Y/N) sat right in front of Seaver, next to David, and looked at her. But she didn't get it.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You just said you wanted to apologize to one of the families. So go ahead. Try."

The silence on the jet was so deep and awkward it felt no one was ever going to talk again.

- "I'm sorry, (Y/N). But I don't get what you are implying,"- Ashley's voice was a whisper. I knew she was sad and affected, embarrassed even. But I also knew (Y/N), and I could read it on her face. She wasn't joking.

- "You said you wanted to apologize to the family of one of your dad's victims, so go ahead. Apologize to me."

My first instinct was to stand up, which I did. But I froze and didn't take a step closer to (Y/N) when I noticed the severe and cold look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was talking about. But I knew she wasn't bluffing.

- "Why should I... apologize to you?"- Ashley asked her, and her voice broke at a certain point, probably scared of the answer.

- "Your dad killed my mother's older sister. She was in college,"- (Y/N) spit each word with hate and looked at Ashley, waiting for her reply. But Seaver didn't know what to do. She widened her eyes and stayed still. She barely kept her breathing steady.

- "(Y/N), maybe we should let Seaver rest,"- Hotch landed a hand on her shoulder, but my friend shook her head.

- "No, Hotch. By making that choice, she put everyone at risk,"- (Y/N) didn't take her eyes from Ashley as she spoke- "As far as I remember when you are at the academy, they teach you that in the field, we are responsible to and for your team."

- "(Y/N)... I had no idea..."- Ashley tried to apologize, I could see it, but it was clear she wasn't going to win that argument- "I am so sorry."

- "I don't know, Seaver. Did you think saying "sorry" would make those families feel better? 'Cos it ain't working here. "Sorry" won't make my mom stop feeling guilty about what happened. And, if things had gotten ugly back there, "sorry" wouldn't have made your mistake go away in case anyone would have gotten hurt. So no. Sorry doesn't help. Maybe it can ease your conscience, but when you really fuck it up, it never makes things better."

(Y/N) stood up and walked back to her seat in front of me. I let her pass and didn't say a word. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it there. And, of course, Seaver didn't say a word. She just stood up and walked to the back of the jet, to the bathroom. Rossi and Hotch looked at each other and then looked at me.

David poured a glass of whiskey and walked to (Y/N) slowly. He didn't say a word, he just handed it to her, and she just took it and sipped it with shaky hands.

- "Thanks,"- she whispered, and Rossi nodded. Hotch raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just walked to his seat and opened a case file.

I moved back to my seat and opened my satchel. I had run out of candies earlier that day, so I didn't have much to give to her that could make her smile. So I picked a book and handed it to her. She took it and smiled at me kindly. I knew she was fighting back the tears, and I am sure she has held back all the emotions than being with the daughter of the man who killed her aunt since she knew who Seaver was. And she managed to do the job well. I was proud of her.

- "Wanna grab something to eat when we reach DC?"- I whispered, but for the first time ever, she shook her head.

- "I'm gonna have to catch a rain check for that dinner. I think I wanna go straight to my bed today, honey."- she sipped her glass again, and I nodded.

- "Don't worry, next time."

I was waiting for the train to go back home later that night when I saw Seaver sitting at a bench at the station, staring at her hands on her lap. I didn't see her leaving the BAU, though to be honest, I was really focused on finishing my paperwork to go home. (Y/N) had left as soon as we reached DC, but I had stayed a little longer.

I hesitated for a few seconds before I took a few steps closer and waved at Seaver. She looked at me surprised, as soon as she saw me, but didn't move. I smiled, trying to look friendly, and sat next to her.

- "Hi. What are you doing here?"- I asked her, and she shrugged.

- "I was going to go home, but I think I sat here half an hour ago and haven't been able to move,"- I turned to her and shook my head.

- "Do you want to eat something?"- after what had happened at the jet, I figured Ashley wasn't feeling so good, and maybe talking with someone could help her. She looked at me and blushed; I don't know why. But at least, she smiled and nodded.

- "Great, pizza?"

- "Pizza sounds good."

We were waiting for our food and making small talk. I kept giving Ashley pizza facts to fill the silence 'cos it was weird hanging out with Ashley. I didn't know her, really. We had worked a case together, but that didn't mean I knew her. And, of course, we had the whole jet incident. I felt a little guilty about what had happened, though it wasn't my fault at all in retrospect. I just felt like it was my job cheering her up a little bit after everything she had gone through.

- "How do you do it?"- she asked me all of a sudden- "How do you deal with the pressure of this job?"

- "You get used to it, I guess. I don't know if it's a good thing to get used to, but... it comes with the job, I think,"- I didn't know if I was doing ok comforting her. Then again, I have never been particularly good at it. Not then, not now.

- "Did you always dream about doing this?"- she asked me, and her eyes locked into mine in a way that made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

- "Y... yes. Ever since I was a kid, catching the bad guys,"- Seaver nodded and sipped her coke- "You? Why did you get into the academy?"

I regretted my question right after I asked, just 'cos I realized she might have done it to understand her father's behavior. It was only apparent that had shaped her actions.

- "I guess you know that..."- Ashley answered and smiled, her eyes looking straight into mine. I know I blushed. She is a beautiful woman, though I wasn't thinking about her that way. It was an odd feeling being observed that way.

I was glad our pizza made it to the table, and we were forced to stop talking, and I could focus on anything else but her. Not that I didn't want to look at her, but... I think the right way to explain it is to call it "uneasy." That's how I felt. I wanted to be friendly with her, she had a horrible experience consulting with the team, and I was sure she wasn't really having a good day.

- "This might sound weird, but... do you think I can call you sometime?"- Ashley asked after a few minutes. We were eating and talking about nothing important. I nearly chook at her words and looked at her, nodding.

- "Sure, why?"- I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't know why she might need to talk to me again.

- "I just think maybe you could help me with a few assignments at the academy."

- "Yeah, of course."

Ashley Seaver smiled and nodded at me, pleased. She took a sip of Sprite, and I could read her, trying to find the words to continue speaking.

- "I'm glad. I was sure you were going to say no."

- "Why?"- I furrowed my brows, confused- "I'm not a big fan of phones, but I can handle a casual phone call."

- "No, I just didn't think your girlfriend would like... I mean, I think (Y/N) hates me, and as her boyfriend, I thought you... would... I don't know."

- "I'm, we are... we,"- I was completely flustered as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. Seaver looked at me innocently and waited for my words.

- "(Y/N) isn't my girlfriend"- it bothered me to admit that simple fact. Why? 'Cos it hurt to think we looked like a couple, but we weren't. Why did Seaver think we were together?

- "Really? But..."

- "She is my best friend,"- I explained poorly. She nodded and hesitated before saying what she was thinking. It was obvious she was trying to arrange the words in her head.

- "It's just that you two... sorry, I'm overstepping,"- Ashley blushed and shook her head- "She is... strong."

- "Yes, very."

- "I think I started with the wrong foot with her."

- "Well, I don't mean to justify anything, but if your father hurt,"- I made a pause, trying to find a way to say it that wasn't so painful.

- "Killed. My father killed her aunt,"- she corrected me with a cold and monotonous tone of voice. I just nodded and sipped my water.

- "She is an amazing person,"- I don't know if I was trying to excuse (Y/N)'s earlier behavior or if I just loved her so much I needed to tell people how awesome she was.

- "I'm sure you will pass this,"- I assured her- "Once you get to know her, and she gets to know you."

- "I don't think she will give me that chance. Besides, I was just clear to assist with only one case."

- "If you want to stay, you can request your remedial training be here. And if Hotch approves it, I could talk to (Y/N). I'm sure she will like to know you better."

Why did I say all that? I had no idea.

- "Thank you, Spence. You are really sweet,"- Ashley moved closer and held my hand. I stayed very still, absolutely awkward.

- "Yeah, I don't... like... holding hands,"- I quickly moved it away and tried to smile at her. She stayed still, not understanding my reaction but trying to act normal.

- "Sorry."

- "That's ok. I'm a germaphobe, that's all."

After pizza, we left the place and said goodnight. I told Ashley I was weary (which was, in fact, the truth) and got her a cab to take her home. After that, I walked to my place. I felt like I needed to be alone for a while. My head was overwhelmed, and in the latest couple of weeks, I had severe trouble sleeping.

I had migraines that nearly blinded me. I was scared they meant I could develop the first signs of schizophrenia, like mom, 'cos they were coming more and more often. It wasn't that bad yet, the light didn't hurt my eyes, and I didn't have any sign of hallucination, but still, I knew it could be serious.

I tried to think of a reason why I might be having those severe headaches. I was eating correctly, mostly 'cos (Y/N) forced me to eat. No, she didn't force me, but she made sure I had all my meals at work, not just coffee. And usually, at the weekends, we would spend our time together, and she was a fantastic cook. So it wasn't an alimentary issue.

I wasn't sleeping well. That wasn't new, but it was getting serious. I wrote and read a lot at night 'cos I couldn't fall asleep until late. I didn't know why. I just couldn't rest. My body ached, and my brain wouldn't sleep. The only nights I could actually get some rest were the ones when (Y/N) stayed with me. It was a blessing when Hotch paired us to share rooms, 'cos I could easily fall asleep when she was around. Her presence soothed me in a way that I didn't understand. Let me put it this way, I know it might sound cheesy, but the beating of her heart set the rhythm for my own, and at night it would bring me peace.

I reached home that night and sighed. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy. (Y/N) wasn't there with me. So I made myself a cup of herbal tea, (Y/N) had a lot of those in my house, and I drank them when I missed her. The smell coming from the cup made me feel like she was close.

How pathetic I had become! But I could only share those thoughts with myself. No one knew I had feelings for her, and I was going to deny it till the end, no matter what had JJ said. I couldn't take that phone call from my mind, and on those sleepless nights, I kept overthinking and overanalyzing everything.

I got into bed with a few books and my cup of herbal tea. I took a look at my cell phone, two new messages.

- "I miss u"

(Y/N) sent, and a warm feeling spread on my chest as I imagined her whispering those words as I read them

- "Breakfast tomorrow before work?"

- "See you at seven-thirty."

I typed and sent it.

What could ever happen if I told her how much in love I am with her? I would lose her, and I'd be alone. She didn't feel that way for me. It was a fact. I was just glad she was my best friend, and I could share everything with her. Was I pathetic? Yes, very, but in a way, it felt it was just all I deserved. Not more, not less. Just being in love with a girl who didn't love me back.

At least she wasn't dating Paul anymore. I hated that guy.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Spencer was waiting for me outside our usual coffee shop, already holding two cups of coffee. His short hair looked dreamy as she smiled and took off his sunglasses. It had to be illegal being that hot. But, seriously, how didn't he get laid? He was fucking dreamy. In the four years we had been best friends, I saw Spencer in many hairstyles, and each of them made him look like a model.

Falling in love with Spencer Reid had been a process I hadn't actually been fully aware of. But I was completely conscious I needed to hide those feelings from him and from everybody at the BAU.

Ok, fine, I had somehow faced part of those feelings in front of my drunk best buddies at Penelope's house, but I never actually confirmed anything. I had just... shared some of my frustrations, I guess.

- "Good morning, honey bunny,"- I smiled and sighed as I stood in front of Spencer, watching him grin back at me and hand me one of the coffee cups.

- "Good morning, chipmunk. Did you get some rest?"

- "Yes, I fell asleep as soon as I reached my bed. I was exhausted."

- "I'm glad you are fully rested."

- "What did you do yesterday?"

- "Nothing,"- he answered quickly and turned around- "I got you a carrot muffin to go."

- "Thank you so much. I'm starving. I didn't even have dinner yesterday."

- "Really?"

- "I told you, I reached home and crawled into my bed."

We walked outside the coffee shop in silence. Spencer bit his donuts, and I ate my muffin. It was nice and calming being with him doing domestic things in life.

I hated how much in love I was with him 'cos I knew I had to shake that feeling away. He was never going to have feelings for me. I was a regular human being, and Spencer Walter Reid was a genius. He deserved better, he was actually never to think about me that way, and I refused to ruin our friendship with those feelings.

- "So, Comic-con is coming. What are we doing this year?"- I asked as I drove us to Quantico.

- "I was thinking we should do something classic,"- he looked at me, nearly beaming on his seat- "We haven't done Star Wars yet."

- "Really?"- I frowned, confused- "All these years? Are you sure?"

- "(Y/N), eidetic memory,"- he argued, and I chuckled- "So, how do you feel about Leia?"

- "Do I have to be Leia 'cos I'm a girl?"- I asked him, and he flustered right away.

- "What? No, you can be whoever you want to be. I was just, it came to my mind... I didn't,"- I giggled and looked at him for a second.

- "I'm messing with you, Batsy. I always wanted to dress as Leia. Surprisingly, I never had. Padme once, it was a mess, but never Leia. Who are you planning to be?"

- "Maybe Luke... or Obi-Wan. Morgan suggested C3PO once."

- "If I'm Leia, you should be Han,"- I don't know why I said that out loud. I thought about it, I pictured it in my head, but I knew I shouldn't have said it. Then why did those words leave my mouth? I don't know.

- "Han Solo... yes... yeah, sure. Of course! We can pick our outfits this weekend."

- "Great! What do you think would look better? Slave Leia or classic all in white Leia?"- Spencer didn't answer. He just sipped his coffee and looked outside the window.

- "You would look good in both,"- his cellphone interrupted our conversations, and I thought it might be a case. But I was so wrong, it hurt.

- "Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley,"- I nearly hit the break as soon as I heard him saying her name, but instead, I turned around and looked at him.

- "Good, yes. On my way to work with (Y/N). Oh, that's good."

I didn't care what she was saying. I just needed to know why that bitch was calling him. I was blind in jealousy, and I was having a hard time hiding it.

- "Really? Emily? That's... that's great. Sure, we'll see you around, gotta go. Bye."

- "What the fuck?"- I swear, I didn't think what I was saying. Those words just slip through my lips straight from my guts. I hated Seaver.

- "That was Ashley."

- "Figured when you said "Hi Ashley." What? Are you best friends with her now?"

- "What? No! No way! She just wanted to say hi... and... She.... asked for my number 'cos she wanted to help her with some of the academy's projects,"- Spencer was so nervous he actually stuttered as he answered my simple question.

- "Of course, she did,"- my voice was bitter and hurt, but most of all, ironic. And I don't know if Spencer didn't want to understand me or actually didn't get the hint, but he just continued talking.

- "She wanted to tell me she requested her remedial training be at the BAU."

- "What?!"- that wasn't subtle. I actually yelled- "I'm gonna have to see her again?"

- "If Hotch approves..."

- "Fuck!! That's awful!!"- I hit the wheel, frustrated.

- "She's not a bad person, (Y/N). Her dad was a murderer, but that doesn't mean..."- I turned to look at Spencer for a second, and he just shut up- "Sorry."

- "I don't like her, Spencer."

- "Yes, I know."

- "Her dad killed my aunt!!"

- "I know..."

- "And on top of that, that bitch is..."

I had to bite my lips and focus on the road, actually holding my breath for a few seconds, just not to open my mouth and ruin it all.

The main reason why I hated Ashley Seaver wasn't just because of what her father had done. That itself was enough to keep her away. But on top of that, she was flirting with Spencer. She wasn't even subtle about it; she was nearly all over him. I saw her! She wanted him, and he had no idea! He was blind to her attention. Unless he liked it. Did he? Shit, I hoped not.

- "She what?"- Spencer whispered, scared of my reaction.

- "She plays the pity card the whole time. Bad things happen to all of us. You don't have to make it who you are, she does, and she expects sympathy."

I grabbed my muffin and took a big bite of it. Spencer sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, giving me space to decompress, I think.

- "Did you know the origins of carrot cake are disputed by many countries?"- I looked at Spencer, and he nodded- "Many food historians believe carrot cake originated from the English recipe of carrot puddings, eaten by Europeans in the Middle Ages when sugar and sweeteners were expensive, and many people used carrots as a substitute for sugar."

- "My mom would fight all those historians and convince them she invented it. Her carrot cake is the best."

- "And I would agree, the cake she baked for your last birthday was amazing."- I nodded and heard him chuckle as I kept my eyes on the road. I wanted to focus on the memories of my last birthday and how fun it was, but something was bugging me.

- "And why did she call you to tell you what she wanted to do?"- I parked the car outside the BAU and turned to Spencer. He opened his mouth, but no word came from it. So I asked him again.

- "Honey, why did Seaver call you to announce she would take the remedial training at the BAU?"

- "It... might... had been my idea,"- he whispered and held his satchel tight against his body. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe it.

- "Why on earth did you do that, Spencer?!"- I shouted as I got out of the car, grabbed my purse, my clean go bag in case we had a case, and started walking towards the building.

- "It wasn't like a suggestion. She just..."

- "I can't believe it!!"

- "It doesn't have to be that bad! It's just for a few weeks..."

- "Hopefully, Hotch won't accept."

- "(Y/N), come on,"- Spencer held my hand and stopped me- "This is not like you. Yeah, you don't like her, but you are making it a big deal, and it's not."

- "I'm starting to think you are crushed on her,"- I didn't want to say those words. They just slipped.

- "What!? Why? No!! I'm not!"- the high pitch on Spencer's voice was a clear sign of how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.

- "Then why are you defending her?"

- "I am not! I'm just saying maybe you are acting a little bit... irrational about this whole thing. She hasn't done anything bad."

- "Other than jeopardizing the whole case yesterday?"

- "Right, other than that..."

I felt Spencer's hand in mine, and I swear, I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. It kept sending shivers all over my body. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, probably trying to calm me down, and it worked. I followed it with my eyes for a second as I took a few deep breaths and nodded.

- "Ok, I won't make a big deal if she stays."

- "Thank you."

- "Just... don't ask me to be her friend."

- "You don't have to be her friend."

Spencer stood in front of me and smiled. I swear all I could think of was kissing him. And a part of me felt it was getting harder and harder to resist. He put on his sunglasses and kept his hand in mine for a moment until Penelope's voice took us from our little bubble.

- "Good morning, my wonder babies!! Ready to fight crime?"

I actually didn't know what I was getting into.

Hotch had taken the day off. We were around the one-year anniversary of Haley's death, and according to what Rossi explained to us, Jack wasn't feeling so good. It was said it would be just a day or two, but I had the feeling it might be a couple of weeks. Hotch would always put himself second, but he would do whatever it took to keep him safe when it came to his son.

Morgan had been asked to take a trip to Petersburg Federal Correctional Complex to do a risk assessment on a case, so Spencer, Prentiss, and I were in the bullpen. Garcia was in her office, and Rossi was in a meeting with Strauss. I'd say it was a very calm morning, catching up with all the pending paperwork we had. Spencer had just gotten me a cup of coffee when I heard Seaver's cheerful voice.

- "Hi guys!"- she walked in with a big smile and waved- "How are you?"

Spencer looked at me as we all said our hellos. I could almost read "Please, be nice" written all over his face, and for a moment, I was willing to do as told. I didn't want him to suspect why I was so annoyed by her after all.

- "I talked to Hotch"- Emily smiled at Seaver and moved a chair for her- He signed off your remedial training, and I'll be your training agent. I'll supervise your work. I already told Rossi too, so it's official.

Ashley jumped from her chair and hugged Emily. I rolled my eyes and stared at the file on my desk. I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I wasn't prepared to deal with someone trying to steal Spencer from me.

Ok, Spencer wasn't mine to keep, but we had been inseparable for four years, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose him.

I had never been ready to deal with Spencer dating other girls. The few times girls had hit on him had been awful. Once, Morgan took him to a club when we were on a case, 'cos the unsub was picking his victims there, and he taught him how to pick up girls. The bartender ended up giving him her number 'cos my dorky best friend was charming. Derek still remembered that moment from time to time, quoting it as "The day he turned Spencer into a man."

I loved Derek, but fuck, I hated him sometimes.

- "Welcome to the team,"- Spencer waved at Seaver from his desk and turned to me, raising an eyebrow.

- "Yeah, welcome,"- I added and cut her a short smile.

- "I'm thrilled to join you guys for a few weeks. I always dreamt of being here. I'm ready for making it up after the last case."

- "Don't be so hard on yourself,"- Prentiss interrupted her and smiled friendly- "You remained calm under pressure, and the case was solved. That's all that matters."

I had to control myself not to snort after Emily's words. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on my desk like I had done before. I was so focused on it that I could have actually developed telekinesis skills and moved the freaking file with my eyes.

- "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you,"- Seaver's voice was soft, in a mix of fear, excitement, and... something else I couldn't read.

- "Especially you, Spencer. I really enjoyed our talk last night, and I have the feeling I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for the pizza. I owe you dinner."

- "Don't, it was nothing,"- Spencer flustered and stood up quickly, grabbing his pile of files and walking away, arguing he needed to ask Garcia something.

I did my best not to move a muscle. I didn't want Seaver to know how much I hated the fact she had shared what seemed to be a lovely evening with Spencer. One he didn't actually mention when we talked about what we had done the previous evening. Why did he decide to keep me in the dark? I couldn't understand that. Maybe he just didn't want me to know he actually had feelings for Seaver. Maybe he had asked her out, and because he knew I hated her (though he really didn't know why), he decided not to tell me what was going on.

I had been wasting all that time in love with Spencer. I knew I would never act on those feelings, and clearly, he didn't have feelings for me. So... maybe it was time to let him go.

How could I let Spencer Reid go when I never actually had him?

–

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@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 16th, 2021

[words-etched-in-her-skin]

Want more hatesex? Get more hatesex.

The next time you visited her, the door to her hut was open. No need to knock, nothing - it was as if she already expected you and didn't bother to wait for you to knock. A gesture that basically told you were expected. She knew you'd come back. Was she mocking you again?

You went inside with a sigh, already feeling the heat between your legs rise once more as the familiar smell wafted around you. Leather. Smoke. Baked dough. A hint of lakewater, fish, and the fruity, sweet shampoo she used.

And there she sat, on the couch, yellow eyes cutting to you the moment you were inside fully.

"Knew yeh'd come today."

"Needed to give back your clothes."

Last time, she'd dissolved yours and left you without anything to wear - but had begrudgingly given you some of her own stuff, even some that more or less fit you. A tank and some pants. You'd told her you'd bring them back, and you hated her for the smirk she'd worn on her face. Of course she'd known that wouldn't be the only reason for your return.

"Aye. Thanks."

"Sure. So, are you gonna fuck me now or should I leave?"

"Gettin' right to the point, eh? Needy, are we?"

"Just want to know if I'm wasting my time."

"Oi, yer the one who jus' wandered in needin it again."

"And you're the one whose door was just about as open as her legs were last week."

"As I said. Knew yeh'd come."

"Make me, then."

With a smirk, you stepped closer, slipping the coat off of your body and dropping it to the floor just before you leaned over Sal and caged her head in with your arms.

"Be a good girl and make me come."

She didn't blush this time. This time, she growled, grabbing both your wrists with tentacles you hadn't seen out so far, slowly letting them slither upward.

"None of tha'. I had a shit day and if yeh wanna come, yer goin to go to the bedroom, lie down on yer back, put yer arms up and spread your legs like the pretty lil slut yeh are."

She pulled you in, until her lips were right at your ear and she could lick over it with her tongue.

"Oh, and put somethin' under yer hips. I wanna get into that tight lil' ass of yours. See how wet it gets yeh when I fuck it and how fast yeh beg me to put somethin' up yer pussy as well."

When she let go, she was smirking, tentacle slapping your ass once. And with as much dignity as you had left while you were already pretty much dripping, you went to her bedroom and undressed, piling your clothes and then lying down just as she'd said. On your back, arms up, legs spread, a pillow lifting your hips up for easier access. The position alone turned you on. Knowing what she'd do, that she'd use you to fuck her frustration out, turned you on. And you hated it and loved it both.

The village was utterly stuck up about sex in general, so something like butt stuff was... Considered utterly dirty. Sal knew that. And Sal made a point fucking your ass whenever she wanted and making it feel so good that you forgot all shame. You'd never come from it alone in particular, but the way her tentacles and possibly strap had pounded you... Alone the thought made you swallow.

Sal entered the room soon after you, naked, five tentacles out behind her back that made your core clench in anticipation.

"Good lil slut."

She said as she saw you, two tentacles immediately tying your wrists to the headboard into the dangling leather cuffs as she crawled onto the bed.

"Safeword's clear?"

"As usual."

"Good."

You used the headlight system - most simple, and utterly effective. Not that you'd ever used it so far. Sal let her gaze wander over your body as the two tentacles started roaming it, teasing against all your weak spots and making you squirm as her eyes latched onto your aching core, a chuckle vibrating in her throat as she blew cool air onto you and made you squirm.

"So wet already... Needy lil' thing."

Alone those words made it worse. As did the simple view of one tentacle, the tip already wet with its own lubricant, descending between your legs. It slid into your ass without too much resistance, stretching you out and making you whine out. Fuck, what was this woman doing to you? All the talk of anal sex being impure, and here she was, taking it for herself again and only turning you on more.

Your breathing hard as the tentacle spread its lubricant inside you, getting you all nice and prepared for the undoubtedly rough thrusts that would follow, wiggling around already - but it seemed more this time. Much more, in fact. And when you looked at Sal with a hint of confusion among the arousal, you saw her smirk wickedly as a second tentacle touched the entrance to your ass.

"Two?!"

"Ye."

As it slid in - with some effort, but you were so well lubricated that it didn't hurt in the slightest - you whined into the pillow next to you, your hips bucking, a hint of angry tears in your eyes as you felt yourself being claimed even more than usual. You hated her. Hated how good she made this feel. How wet you were for her, how the juices of your core were dripping onto the tentacles that were currently nestled inside you.

You tried to glare at Sal... But in that moment, the two appendages wrapped around each other and thrusted into you. And you screamed. Screamed in pleasure as you bucked down onto them, as Sal leaned over you and grabbed your hair, nipping on your earshell and growling a "Such a dirty lil slut. Ya just love havin your pretty ass fucked, dontcha?"

And then, a touch gentler, she added. "Yer look beautiful."

She added a twist to every movement, or a wiggle, but kept it slow, steady. Yet with force behind. And you knew you needed more if you were to come. You knew she'd be waiting for you to beg for it. For the last tentacle to fill your core and rub your clit. And you wanted to refuse it. You bit your lip, glaring up at her... But you didn't see her defiance or smug dominance looking back at you.

Instead, you saw pure need. Pure greed. Pure desire.

"Count yerself lucky. I can't wait today."

She whispered... And then filled you completely, bending over you and biting your neck harshly as she started pounding both your holes, listening to your screams while she marked you, making one thing abundantly clear.

This was only the beginning.

🤤🤤😩😩😩💦💦💦💦

GODS, FUCK.. AND WHAT DELICIOUS HATESEX IT IS.. FJFJDKSKDKDJDKSKJDKSKS..

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, ANON 😏

And fuck, how you hated how lucky you felt - how utterly delicious it was to be filled by her. With the slick movements of Sal's appendages working your body in a way that made you wonder who wanted it more. A primal look to her eye that reminded you she could break you in half at any second. The sharp tips of her teeth teasing over your heated skin as she followed the fine lines of your body back up to you ear, leaning in.

"Aren'tcha a pretty lil' slut.. all filled and drippin' fer me."

A firm thrust by all three tentacles at once, forcing a sharp cry from your lips. A dark chuckle across your flesh as she licked over it, sinking her teeth in. The appendage in your core sliding up deliciously from the deepest part of it and over to your clit, again and again while the two in your ass proved relentless inside you. You knew she could smell the warm juices flowing steadily from your core as she teased and fucked it, and you knew how much she hated its effect on her.

"Ne'er seen yah so wet before. Like gettin' yer ass filled, do yeh?"

"Gods.. fuck.. f-fuck you, Sal."

"It's gettin' harder an' harder to believe yeh mean that, sweetheart."

The deep blush that spilled so easily across your cheeks at the change in petname, only fueled how much you hated the effect she had on you. You wanted nothing more than to scream out - to tell her to go fuck herself - but the desire to have her fuck you instead was always so much greater. There was no more intoxicating feeling, nobody on any earth - in any realm - that could fuck a person into next week like Sal.

You yelped as her teeth found you again.. as her pace swiftly picked up.. at the most delicious sounds filled the small home as her tentacles slid mercilessly in and out of you, forcing your desire straight from your core. Breath hitching in your throat at the supreme heat that spilled over you with each indulgent thrust.

"Ah-! Fuck.. but .. you're the one.. fucking me so good right now.. Sal."

You barely got the praise to roll off your tongue before a profound growl resonated deep in her throat.. before her hand was around your neck, forcing you to look at her. A flame of a warning burning deep within the embers of her eyes as they locked intently onto yours.

"Jus' fer that... lil slut.. I'm gonna make yeh come harder than yeh ever have in yer life."

She said the world's plainly, her voice calm and collected yet still sending a prompt shiver down your spine. The sharp smirk across her lips almost rivaling the sharp points of her teeth as they scraped over you. Her growl rolling across your skin like thunder as she drove her tentacles harder and harder into you, ripping countless cries from your lips.

"Beg fer it, slut."

The intense heat that switfly washed over you at the lack of warmth to her command. Her tentacles holding you in place as she watched how badly you wanted it - needed it - smiling down at you smugly as she waited.

"I.. fucking.. hate-.. Ah-!"

She drove her apprendages in your ass roughly into you, pushing the deep heated pressure that inhabited you to an almost frenzied level.

"I said beg fer me."

A sharp cry from your lips as she bit you again, licking crimson droplets from your flushed skin.

"Fuck.. please.. fuck.. fuck you, Sal... please.."

She chucked as you writhed frantically beneath her, utterly desperate for release.

"Heh.. needy are yeh?"

You cursed again under your breath, screaming out as she forced all three tentacles at once. Compelling an unhinged pleasure to shoot straight across your body, to engulfed you in a way that you had never felt before. White hot - unyielding - igniting ley lines across your body like a unhindered wild fire. Juices gushing from your core as her relentless thrusts pushed one orgasm on you after another. And fuck, how she was right.. how she'd kept her promise .. assuring that you had never came so hard in your life. Sufficiently soaking the bedsheets beneath you as she kept you filled until the very last shudder fell from your breathless body.

"Still hate me now, do yeh?"

Sal chuckle a tad softer, slowly pulling her tentacles free from your flushed body.

"More.. than.. ever."

You answered between labored breaths, between the inherent trembles of a body just wrecked.

"Heh.. good. Need aftercare?"

"Nah.. I'm good.."

She nodded and threw your clothes from their spot on the floor in your direction, making her way to the door.

"Ah.. sorry, ma'am .. but I sure the fuck ain't leaving without making sure that you hate me just as much."

Sal raised a single eyebrow, dropping her fingers from the doorknob as she turned to face you.

"That right?"

She smirked in a way that made you want to rip it straight off her mouth... to make her lips curl into the most delicious of moans. And as you began to close the distance the between you, you vowed you wouldn't stop until you did that very thing.

Gods.. fuck... fuck.. djdjksskksksjsjs..I'm. ... So fucking gay... fuck... 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤 THANK YOU FOR THAT, DEAR

And not to worry all the non Sal simp fans, I'll be doing some Alcina soon 😘

[hot-wiings]

The One Where Despite The Sports Festival, Shouto Todoroki Hates Using His Quirk, But [Y/N] [L/N] Enjoys It.

Edited: 12-2-2020

"It's so fucking cold."

The words came out rushed and loud as you clattered your teeth together. Your arms rubbed up and down over your thin school jacket as you cursed at your teacher in your head. You were supposed to be indoors, doing this school activity inside of the warm enclosed walls of Gym Gamma, instead, Shouta had your class outside, working on the P.E grounds due to miscommunication and overlapping training schedules with class B.

"C'mere, you're warm, I'm cold, hug me."

You buried yourself into the warmer side of your boyfriend, Shouto Todoroki. He had his own personal built-in heating pad, it wasn't fair to let him keep it all to himself. After all, sharing is caring. A light blush spread across his face as he slung his left arm around your back and let his left hand rest on your arm. He pulled you against him, helping you create heat as he debated giving you his own jacket to put on.

"Mm. That's great."

Shouto let out a small smile and he moved his warm, left hand up and down your arm as you both watched Mina spar with Mineta. His hand came up and rolled over your shoulder and made soft contact with your ear and cheek.

"Talking about me or the fight?"

"Well I was talking about you, but I can't say I don't find pleasure in seeing Mineta get beat."

"I know he can be a jerk, but isn't she going a little extreme. I'm surprised he isn't unconscious."

You let out a small chuckle as Mina destroyed his balls with her acid and delivered yet another punch to his face. You had to admit, she was going a bit hardcore on him, and you were sure Mr. Aizawa could see that, but no one stopped her. You were sure she was going so extreme with him due to the stunt he tried pulling the week before, your blood boiled and you clenched your fists just thinking about it. You hadn't told Shouto about said stunt, choosing to keep it a secret between you and Mina.

"He deserves it! He's commenting on our bodies is one thing, but he crossed a line last week."

"What did he do now?"

Shouto knew the boy's schemes were horrendous, and he tried his best to put the pervert back in line when you asked him to or complained about it. It was his job as a boyfriend to make you feel secure, and he took pride in it. He wanted to be the opposite of his father, a significant other you could run to for help, and making you feel safe and protected from the antics of your lesser classmate was how he did that, but you and neglected to tell your boyfriend about how bad the boy was getting.

Shouto placed a chase kiss onto the top of your head as he ran his hand up and down, his fingers leaving warm soothing circles on your shoulder. You pulled your lip between your teeth, realizing you slipped up and mentioned it. You hadn't told your boyfriend about the stunt Mineta pulled because you were both embarrassed it even happened, and ashamed you couldn't defend yourself. Besides that fact, Shouto could get jealous and possessive. Whenever you mention Mineta was bothering you Shouto didn't give you a chance to ask for help, he just seemed to take care of it. Jealousy and possession was a natural human feeling, but you didn't want him trying to murder the boy for his severe actions.

"Uh, well, I mean it's not worth sharing that much. Just the usual nasty things he does."

"What did he do?"

Shouto ran his fingers over your rosy, cold cheeks. Trying to entice you to answer him by distracting you with warmth. It worked.

"He snuck into the girl's dorms to spy on us after hours! To make things worse, he tried watching me change. When I saw him, he used his damned balls to make me sticky. Stuck in my bra and panties, completely helpless and unable to move. You have no idea how humiliated and disgusting I felt!"

"I would've made him apologize. Why didn't you tell me?"

Shoutos grip on your arm loosened but you could still feel the heat just radiating off of his body. He was upset that you didn't tell him, you knew that, but for all the wrong reasons. What you assumed was jealousy, in reality, was fear. The thought that you didn't need or want him to defend you. He took joy in it, he took joy in protecting you. What he so proudly took pride in, was swept away by Mina.

Mina had finally knocked Mineta out and walked past you and Shouto with a shit-eating grin on her face. She shot a thumbs-up signal in your direction as she went to the infirmary to retrieve Recovery Girl for Mineta. Nonverbal communication that she had avenged your dignity, but to Shouto it was just a slap in his face. Why hadn't you immediately told him? He would've knocked Mineta down a peg or two. He would've humbled him down and made him apologize. He should have been the one to redeem your dignity and redeem your image. He should've been the one defending your honor, but you hadn't even told him about it.

Did you not trust him? Was he not good at making you feel secure?

"Todoroki vs. Bakugo."

The anger and frustration was already taking over Shouto as he broke away from you and walked toward the center of the training grounds to meet Katsuki. The feral boy wasted no time in blasting Shouto, trying to anger him resulting in him using his flames unlike he had in the sports festival.

"Die!"

Shouto rebutted Katsuki's blast by hitting him with ice. Aggravated and aggressive, Katsuki sent boom after boom, blast after blast while he growled out phrases to work Shouto up and bring out his flames.

"Won't use your flames? Pathetic. I honestly wonder why [Y/N] is with you, my explosions always got her going."

"Leave her name out of your mouth."

Emotions consumed him once your name left Katsuki lips. He was angry that you didn't trust him enough to tell him about how his classmate tried to defile your image. Sad that you hadn't gone to him for comfort and redemption but Mina instead. All his emotions were thrust into his quirk as he sent Katsuki one hard blast of his flames. Blow after blow, eventually, Katsuki went down. He gripped his arm which now held a severe burn from a Shouto as he screamed out fuck you's.

As he cooled down, ex or not, Shouto couldn't help but regret his actions towards Katsuki. He saw the burns he left Katsuki with. He saw Katsuki gripping his arm as Recover Girl made her way over to him. He could see Katsuki resist help, trying to say it wasn't as bad as it was. He looked over at you, as you stared at him while you bit your lip, guilt flooded his entire being.

What if that had been you? What if he had lost his temper with you? If he was capable of snapping at Katsuki so quickly, what was he capable of with you?

Shouto made his way over to you and with quick hands, you grabbed onto him. You inspected him for injuries, worried he had been hurt too. Shouto hadn't been the only one to get blows in, but his injuries weren't physical. As your worried eyes met his, he felt disgusted with himself. He didn't understand how you were able to cling to such a monster like him. Katsuki's burns flashed in his head as Shouto pulled away from your grasp and ripped his jacket from his back.

He could hurt you. He was capable of hurting you.

"I'm fine. Here, take my jacket so you can be warmer."

"Oh, won't you need it? Quirks are just physical extensions of your body, I don't want you overexerting yourself."

"Don't worry about me. I'm going back to the dorms since my fights over."

His voice came out rushed, his tone cold, harsh and you frowned. Before he even heard your reply, Shouto turned on his heel and walked off to class 1-A's dorm rooms. He hadn't meant to be so cold with you. He didn't want to be harsh with you. Anyone, but you. He didn't want to, but he couldn't stand to be there with you. He couldn't stand there and let you take advantage of his quirk. He couldn't stand there and heat you knowing how he could hurt you. After what he did to Katsuki, you should have been disgusted with him.

He was a monster, he wasn't worthy of you.

"Who's next on the list?"

The snow fell around you, wetting your hair and getting your clothes damp as you pulled your hands out of your pockets and opened your phone with stiff cold fingers to look at the Christmas list you both together made weeks prior. Shouto wanted to reach across the small gap between you. He wanted to reach over and push your hair behind your ear. He wanted to reach out and pull your frozen hand into his warm one, but he wouldn't. He couldn't, he was already pushing the limit by being here as it was.

He was distancing himself, pulling away, and hoping you would receive the subtle hints he was dropping your way. The hints that he wanted to break up, to no longer see you, to no longer be yours. It wasn't that this is what he wanted, it's what he felt needed to be done. Shouto didn't want to hurt you by breaking up. He didn't want to be away from you. To him, you were his whole world, one of his motivations to become a hero. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much safer you'd be off without him. How much safer, how much better you'd be without a monster like him.

He hoped the list was almost over with, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle another minute with you. He knew he couldn't handle breaking your heart himself, so ingeniously he found a solution: Be detached until you break up with him instead. He was supposed to distance himself, but all he wanted to do was pull you in his arms. He knew he should've stayed at the dorms, stayed in the confines of his dorm room, neglecting you under the pretense of studying. However, when you came to him asking if he still wanted to go Christmas shopping together like you both originally planned to, he couldn't say no. The way you looked at him, a broken hopeful expression that he would say yes. Hopeful that he'd want to spend time with you despite him pushing you away. It broke his stoic reserve.

"We still need a guitar for Kyouka, a bag for Ochako, and something for Momo, she's kinda hard to shop for because she already has everything, but I saw her eyeing a necklace last month. I bet we could even find Ochako a bag in the same store."

He was practically ecstatic to hear you only had three more people to shop for, two of which could be hit in the same store. The quicker this was over the better. You placed your phone back in your pocket and reached out for Shouto's hand. The gap was closed between you both as you tugged him along the sidewalk with you towards the store you needed. Shouto smiled. He briefly smiled and relished in the feeling of your hand in his, but it was short-lived as he pulled his hand out of yours and stuffed it in his pocket.

He knew there must have been a hurt expression on your face, but he had to take a moment to remind himself. He had to remind himself why he was distancing himself from you. It was for you. You didn't deserve to be with a monster like him. You didn't deserve it, all you needed was a push in the right direction.

As you walked beside Shouto into the Lois Vuitton outlet store your heart felt heavy but you tried your best to push through the pain. You couldn't pretend that there wasn't anything wrong with your relationship. You couldn't pretend that your boyfriend hadn't been distant, hadn't been cold and closed off. He used to be so sweet, sweet, and present. He would walk you to your dorm after class, take you for walks, hold your hand, and more often than not, take you out on impromptu dates. He didn't do that anymore. He was cold and absent. He rarely talked to you and he put little to no effort into being with you. Even when you tried putting all the effort, you could see him pulling away. As he pulled away more and more, you had to wonder if he even wanted to be around you.

You had a whirlwind of thoughts on why he was being so distant, why he no longer wanted you. You just wanted all the worries and thoughts to go away. You wanted the negative reasons you'd come up with every night as you laid in bed to be gone. You wanted things to go back to normal because, despite all of this, you were holding out hope that things would go back to normal. Hope that perhaps he would begin to come around again.

You walked through Louis Vuitton with Shouto hot on your trail as you went to the jewelry display. Shouto quickly grasped the right necklace in his hands, the expensive a thousand dollar golden lipstick holder necklace. He turned to you with a determined smile.

"This is the one right?"

Suddenly, that dark cloud of thoughts came out again. The one that rained on you when you were at your most hopeful. The one that said he didn't love you, but most likely fell for another. The one that gave you the most probable answer.

"How'd you know that was the one she wanted?"

"I was with you both when you saw it."

It was a logistic explanation, but the simple sentence placed the seed of doubt into your head. Doubt that slowly diminished your hope. Despite the awfully, distrustful feeling it left you with, you chose to give Shouto the benefit of the doubt as you made your way over the bag selection.

"So, everyone's making plans for Christmas, and I was wondering if we were going to spend it together."

"I haven't really thought about my Christmas plans yet."

"We don't have to if you don't want to, figured I'd ask."

You kept your face away from Shouto and buried in the bag rack. You didn't want him to see the expression on your face. You didn't want him to see the remnants of all the hope you had left in this relationship. There was a right answer, the right answer you hoped he'd say, but that seed of doubt knew he wasn't going to say it.

"I was gonna go home for Christmas. Figured we both could use time with our families."

A single stray tear made its way down your cheek as his sentences tumbled out. All the hope you had left in your body crumpled as his words resounded in your ears. You hadn't spent a Christmas apart since the start of your three-year relationship. He knew you didn't have the best family. He knew you hated your father just as much as he hated his father. You both made it your tradition to be together for the holidays. You asking about it wasn't supposed to be a question, but reassurance he wasn't going to leave you alone. It was reassuring you he still cared, but all it did was water the seed.

"You want to go home for Christmas? I thought you hated being home over the holidays."

"Some things change, [Y/N]. You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

Of course you did. He was abandoning you. He was leaving you over Christmas for his bastard father he hated. The seed of doubt was beginning to blossom and you were looking for ways to uproot it. You had one vice left to try. His jealousy. If he so much as still loved or even liked you as a girlfriend, then just bringing up you and another boy alone would bring out the beast. No matter how innocent it would be, whether it be walking in the halls, or studying, Shouto could get possessive of you, and while you hated the idea of playing into his emotions like this, it was necessary.

"Of course not! Denki invited me to go on a trip over holiday break anyway. The guy he interns for owns a mansion up north, perfect for skiing. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"No, I hope you have fun."

You scanned Shouto's face for any indication that you going up north with Denki alone bothered him, but stoic as ever he was unbothered. A last resort really, but you pulled out a card you never wanted to.

"You're sure? Katsuki is going to be there, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable by hanging out with my ex for a week and a half."

"[Y/N], I don't care. Go ahead, you know not to do something you'd regret."

If Shouto really cared for you he would have said yes. He would've said he had a problem with his girlfriend going on a trip with her ex-boyfriend. You thrust the bag into Shouto's arms and avoided his eyes, scared you would let the tears flow out in front of him.

"Um, can you go pay? I need to use the bathroom."

Shouto tried not to look over at you on the couch. He wanted to scoot closer to you, he wanted to pull your body against his. He wanted to see the little face you made when his warmth took over your freezing skin, he wanted you to fall asleep on him. He wanted to be close to you again, he wanted things to go back to how they used to be. They couldn't go back, it wasn't that simple. He could never revert back into your loving boyfriend, he couldn't allow himself to be yours. 

As the weeks from that day in the outlet mall progressed, Shouto could feel his resolve diminish. Despite the distance you still tried to connect and be around him, he was still your boyfriend no matter how cold of a front he put up. It hurt to have you trying to cling to him but he kept pushing you away. It hurt to have you offer date opportunities only for him to turn them down. What hurt Shouto the most was letting you go on that trip with Katsuki. He wanted to tell you not to go on that trip, he wanted to tell you to stay at the dorms with him. With every passing day you talked with Katsuki more and more, it pained Shouto to act like he was fine and chill with it.  

Shouto didn't know this was a ploy to make him jealous to try and incite any lingering feelings for you. He didn't know that you weren't even planning to go on the trip with Katsuki but actually planned to stay at the dorms once he left for his own family home for the holidays. You chatted up katsuki more often and even went as far as to ask Shouto for advice on a bathing suit to both bring forth feelings from him and make your lie more convincing. It wasn't as though Shouto wasn't jealous, it wasn't as though he stopped caring for you and who you hung out with. The idea of you in a bikini with Katsuki grated him. The two of you in a hot tub, escaping the dreaded cold rubbed him the wrong way, but he needed to let it happen, he needed to push you away into the arms of someone more worthy, into the arms of another.  

"When are you leaving for your trip?"

Shouto hadn't even turned to look at you as he spoke out the question. He hadn't looked and maybe had he, he would've seen how broken you looked, he would've seen your disheveled appearance and his resolve would've broken for sure. With your legs pulled up on the couch and your head resting on your knees, a frown on your face as you stole sneaky little glances at your boyfriend when he wasn't looking. He never looked at you anymore, just another indication of where your relationship was headed. 

"Katsuki and I are meeting at the airport in a couple of hours, he said the ticket was paid for by his internship boss, but I think he's really paying for it."

Shouto didn't look at you, and it hurt. What guy didn't get upset, or weird at the very least, at the idea of his girlfriend going on a trip with her ex-boyfriend? Beyond that, the proposed idea that his girlfriend is getting a plane ticket paid for by said ex-boyfriend should upset him. You snagged your lip between your teeth as your grip on your legs tightened. 

"When are you going home?" 

"Tonight."

You nodded your head and made a mental note to leave until he left to make it seem you went on the trip. You didn't want him knowing that you planned to stay in the dorms alone over Christmas, but those were his exact plans. He hadn't spent a Christmas apart from you since the beginning of this relationship, and he just wanted to wallow in self-pity over having pushed you away successfully. 

"Do you want to exchange gifts before we leave?"

"I didn't think we were getting each other gifts since we're not seeing each other on Christmas."

You let out a sigh as you tried to keep the tears down. You were so hopeful, you were holding out for him but you couldn't anymore. You got him a gift, hoping that Christmas would bring out the best in him and make him open up. You thought that the day would roll around and everything would be fixed by the magic of Christmas. He hadn't even gotten you a gift, yet he knew what neckless Momo wanted. You couldn't do it anymore, you couldn't pretend things would get better. You couldn't pretend he still loved you.

"What did I do wrong? I'm sorry, I can fix it. I'm sorry, I'll fix it."

The tears began leaking out and running down your cheeks in warm streaks. You tried to keep your little sniffles quiet by pressing your hand over your mouth and nose. You didn't want him to see you cry, you didn't want him to hear your tears, but he did. Shouto looked over at you with knitted eyebrows before looking back at the fireplace. He wanted to comfort you, he wanted to hold you and reassure you that it was okay, but he needed to push you away. 

"I'm drowning, I'm drowning Shouto. I don't understand what I did to make us like this. Am I too clingy, do I suffocate you? I'll give you space, I can give you more space!"

Shouto clenched his fists as your words tumbled out in frantic sentences but he stayed silent. He did so well, he's done so well at pushing you away. He had to keep his resolve up, he had to push away. You didn't deserve him, you didn't deserve to be with such a monster. 

"When Katsuki broke up with me he said it was cause' I'm weak. Is that it, am I too weak for you? I'll train harder. I'll be a hero you can be proud of."

Shouto kept his face away from yours, silently and still staring at the fire. He knew if he looked at you then he would break. If he looked at you he would crawl into your arms and whisper reassuring words on how Katsuki is an ass, reassuring words on how strong you were. He wanted to tell you that you always made him proud, but he didn't let himself. The more he continued being silent, the more it hurt you. More tears flowed from your eyes as you spoke out the sentence you so solemnly tried to quell. The thought you so desperately had been trying to put out like a wild fire. 

"Deep down I know the truth, you want her, don't you? Momo? God, how stupid I must look, my boyfriend and my best friend right under my nose."

You pressed your hand to your mouth to muffle a strangled sob as you wiped away your tears with the back of your hand, futile as more quickly replaced them. Shouto looked over at you, a few tears dripping down from his own eyes. That's what you thought? That he was cheating? Shouto wasn't sure if he should feel insulted for you thinking so low of him, but then again, had the roles been reversed with you pushing him away, he would think the same.

"I... I just want you to know I don't blame you Shouto. She can suit your needs so well. She's smarter, rich, and god, she's so much prettier. I- I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, I'm sorry I couldn't satisfy you. I'm sorry I wasted your ti"- 

"Don't say that, don't, just don't. Don't compare yourself to her. I don't want Momo, I haven't wanted anyone except for you."

"Then why don't you want me? You don't touch me anymore, you don't even look at me. I don't understand what I did."

"You didn't do anything! You did nothing, it's me! I'm the problem, I'm the issue."

Shouto stood up abruptly, pacing back and forth he ran his hand through his hair roughly. He should've kept his resolve, he should've stayed solid, but hearing the quiver in your voice, hearing your thoughts, your deeply negative thoughts broke him so.

"You are so perfect, [Y/N]. I love when you cling to me, you're so strong, you're beautiful and perfect, and fuck! The only reason I remembered Momo's necklace was because it was right next to the earrings I bought for you."

You stood up and wrapped your arms around Shouto. You buried your face in his chest as he let his tears fall. He should push you away, he should make distance from you, but he couldn't. He couldn't, instead, he wrapped his arms around you and let out his own sob into your hair as he held you close for the first time in days.

"I'm such a monster [Y/N]. I'm such a monster, I'm just like my dad. You saw how I burned Katsuki. You shouldn't be with me, I might hurt you."

You pulled out of Shouto's arms to cup his face. There was a frown on your face, leaving him with an unsettling feeling in his gut that you agreed. It was quite the opposite.

"Shouto, you would never hurt me. I don't know where you got that idea, but I know you would never. You are sweet, caring, and possibly the best boyfriend to ever exist. You are not your father, you are Shouto Todorki, my boyfriend."

"I've hurt you so much these past few weeks. I've ignored you, and I've been cold, why are you still here."

"You pushed me away because you thought it was good for me. Granted that wasn't your choice to make, I'm still here because I love you, and you love me, the rest is pudding."

You pressed your lips against Shoutos, they felt warm and rough, you hadn't felt them in so long, how you missed them so. You pressed into the kiss, with him pulling you closer, want and need dripping between you both as your wandering hands pulled and tugged each other.

"Tell me what's going on instead of pushing me away next time. I'm not letting you go, no matter how hard you push me away. I'm here to stay."

"I will, I promise. I love you, [Y/N], so much. I need you in my life. I've been an awful ass, and I know I'm in no place to make requests, but please don't go with Katsuki."

"I never planned to, I turned him down when he first asked. I wanted to spend Christmas with you, Sho. We're always together for the holidays, we have our own traditions, and spending it with anyone else isn't right."

"I wasn't gonna go home either, was gonna stay here. What a pair of liars we are, c'mon, I think we can still salvage this Christmas Eve."

Shouto kissed your hand and tugged you towards the kitchen. With your hands enveloped in each other, all was right. It was right, being with you was right. Maybe he was a monster, maybe he was temperamental, but that was something he was willing to work on to be with you.

[msmarvelouswinchester]

Last First Kiss

Summary - Jensen finally lets his feelings towards you known but it doesn't get the reaction he had anticipated.

Pairing - Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jensen x OFC!Jessica (brief)

Characters - Jared Padalecki, Gen Padalecki, OMC Mark, OMC Luke, OFC Jessica

Warnings - Fluff, Insecurities, Bad dates, Implied smut, Language, Angst-ish, happy ending

Square Filled - Valentines Day ( @anyfandomgoesbingo ) Jared Padalecki ( @spndeanbingo )

Word Count - 2262

A/N - Written for my 500 Followers challenge

Request by @akshi8278 - Hi, once again congratulations on your 500 followers. 🥳🎉 Could you write number 23 and 25 for Jensen. It could be fluff/ smut, whatever you want. Thank you 😊 (I added a little bit of angst for the course of the story. Hope you like it!)

This is also a submission to @negans-lucille-tblr' 6k Roll The Dice Challenge

Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine. Prompts are in bold.

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

You trudged down the empty hallway, your body slumped with exhaustion and feet hurting from wearing the ridiculously high heels to impress a man who never showed up. The silence in the empty halls was deafening unlike the crowded diner which was buzzing with lovestruck couples on the fine evening of Valentine’s Day. When you reached his door, you were barely hanging in there. Hesitantly, you knocked twice, immediately cursing yourself for fucking up his Valentines Day as well.

“Y/N?” Jensen tilted his head in confusion at your dejected state. “What happened?”

“I am done with dating.” A stray tear rolled down your cheek as you replied. Jensen pursed his lips as he opened the door wider to let you in. He threw an arm over your shoulder, guiding you towards the couch.

“Mike was a douchebag.” He said, as you plopped down on the blue couch.

“His name is Mark.” You rolled your eyes at him, “I dressed up all for nothing. I am done trying to find the perfect man. I will get a cat and become a cat lady. At least it will show up when we have a cat date with cat food and pizza.”

“You can't just swore off dating because Macaroni didn't show up.” Jensen smirked. “You just haven't met the right person yet.”

“I got stood up thrice within a span of two months. I surely know how to pick them.”

“Sweetheart, I'm so sorry but I know you'll definitely meet the right person. It's just a matter of time.” He rubbed your arm as you snuggled closer to him. “Should we order takeout? I am starving.”

“Mhm. I wouldn't mind some chinese. I'm sorry that I fucked up your plans for the night.” You said.

“I didn't exactly have anything better to do. Spending time with you is much better than third wheeling Jared and Gen.” He chuckled.

“What am I doing wrong, Jay? Something is definitely wrong with me or the entire male population is a douchebag.” You sighed, as Jensen took out his phone to place an order in your favourite Chinese restaurant.

“Y/N/N, nothing's wrong with you and there are good men out there in the world.” He said.

“They are all taken.” You replied, nonchalantly.

“I'm not.” Jensen said and your heart skipped a beat at his words.

“Maybe I was too blind to notice it,” you wanted to say instead you blurted out, “You're my best friend, Jensen.”

His hands dropped to the side as he visibly tensed up. An unbearable silence followed the awkward conversation. You could barely look at the actor beside you who was staring off into the distance, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Fortunately you were both saved from further conversation by the delivery guy.

You bit down on your lip to stop the yawn that was threatening to leave as you pretended to listen to the man in front of you complain about his work life. You hummed along to the man’s words as your mind reeled back to that night at Jensen's house. You still didn't know why you didn't speak about your true feelings. Even though his little confession didn't break you two up, whenever you used to hang out, a discomfort lingered in the air and so you had ditched the weekly movie night the day before.

After another painfully long hour, your extremely bad date came to a very fortunate end. As a sign of politeness, you had agreed with Luke, your date, when he had offered to drop you at your doorstep. With no promises for a second date, you had left Luke’s car after successfully dodging his attempt at a kiss. You sprinted across the usually empty hallway and found yourself in front of Jensen's room. You knocked at his door.

“So I was on a date and oh god, time wasn't passing by at all! Luke was such a boring guy. I surely do know how to pick the guys- and I'm so sorry I didn't come yesterday for our weekly movie night-” You rambled on as soon as Jensen opened the door without giving him a chance to pitch in his two cents.

“It's okay.” He finally spoke but his words were soon forgotten when you saw the half-naked brunette standing behind him, glaring at you.

“I'm sorry,” You turned your attention to the man in front and noticed the swollen lips, tousled hair and his unbuttoned jeans, “I didn't know you had company.”

“Next time try to call before you barge in complaining about yet another bad date.” Jensen grumbled, rolling his eyes before he shut his door to your face. You stared at the closed door, crestfallen as tears started to pool in your eyes. You made your way back to your room which was on the next floor in the same apartment building all the while wondering if your insecurities had really messed up a good friendship.

Jensen had neither heard nor seen you since he had closed the door on your face. He winced every time he remembered how rudely he had pushed you out of his apartment when Jessica was over. He was finally trying to move on since now he knew how you felt. Jensen was definitely hurt when you made it clear that you didn't reciprocate his feelings but he didn't hate you. You were still his best friend so it hurt when you had started to distance yourself from him, even ditching him on your weekly movie night. All that bottled up frustration had turned into anger when you had knocked on his door the next night to complain about your boring date but he still regretted the way he had told you off.

“Is Y/N going to come to Gen’s party?” Jared asked his tv brother during one of the takes.

“I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself?” Jensen snapped as he went back to reading his script.

“What happened?” The hazel eyed actor frowned at his friend's behaviour.

“I haven't talked to her in weeks nor have I seen her.” Jensen grumbled.

“You two are like the Siamese twins and now you are saying you haven't even talked to her? Dude, what happened?” Jared asked. “Maybe you should talk to her.” He said after Jensen opened up about what happened.

“I have called her. Dozens of times. She is not picking up.” He scoffed.

“Gen is going to invite her I suppose. Maybe you can talk to her then.” Jared shrugged as they were called back on to set.

Jared was right about everything. You were invited to Gen’s backyard birthday party and so was Jensen. You had hesitated before you finally made up your mind to go to the Padaleckis' because you knew someday you had to face Jensen. When you had returned home that night, you had realised why no one was ever good enough for you since the perfect person for you was right in front of you but your insecurities had made you blind. You knew you had missed your chance when you had caught him with the brunette but what hurt more was when he shoved you out of his apartment.

Jensen had called you a dozen times but you hadn't picked up. You didn't know what to say and the longer you stayed away from him, your feelings for him grew stronger so instead you started to avoid him like plague, trying your best to move on.

The clinking sound of bottles behind you pulled you out from your deep thought.

“Hey.” Jensen awkwardly said.

“Hi.” You returned the same awkwardness.

“You weren't picking up my calls. I'm sorry for the other night.” He said, his gaze quickly dropping to the floor.

“It's all right.”

“No it's not. Then you wouldn't have avoided me.” He said. “I know things have been awkward since that night but no hard feelings. It's perfectly okay if you don't feel the same. I just want my best friend back.”

“I do feel the same.” You muttered quietly which made him look up to you. Jensen stared at you dumbfounded.

“Then why didn't you tell me?” He finally said.

“I panicked. I got scared because you know me, I don't do well with men and I thought if we didn't work out, I would lose you.” Your lips trembled ever so lightly as you stared into his green eyes.

“You won't ever lose me.” Jensen walked up to you, “Even if things don't work out relationship-wise. I will always be your best friend.”

“I don't wanna lose you. You're my person, Jay. So I lied not realising that I had pushed you away myself.” You said.

“I will always be your person just like you're mine but I can't fight this feeling anymore. I think I'm in love with you and I don't know what to do.” He said while walking up to you.

“Maybe you do know now.” He leaned down, cupping your face, his lips hovering over yours. You closed your eyes, feeling his hot breath fan against your skin but then you felt him pull back. You opened your eyes as you saw him stare at you with a look of regret in his eyes.

“I can't.” Jensen sighed.

“Why?”

“I have a girlfriend.” You gaped at him, heart broken into millions of pieces. Before Jensen could get another word out, you fled the scene.

“Hey Y/N.” Gen beamed. “Are you going home already?”

“Yeah I think I'm coming down with something. Sorry Gen. Happy birthday, again.” You said and wasted no time to get into your car and quickly drove back to your home.

Jensen had repeatedly called you since you had fled the Padaleckis’ house but you hadn't picked up. The first two days you had hardly left your house. You had been sobbing uncontrollably. You had bared your heart and soul to the man you had fallen head over heels only to get your heart broken.

You were lying on your couch, watching a sappy romantic movie when you heard a knock on your door. Pausing the movie midway you got up to open the door.

“Hi.” The green eyed man spoke quiet as when you opened the door. The sight of him brought tears to your eyes again. He was carrying a box of chocolate and a bottle of wine. “I would have brought flowers but I know how sad you get when they start to wilt.”

“What're you doing here?”

“I heard a guy hurt my best friend so I'm here with chocolates and wine.” He smirked. You snatched the box of chocolates from his hands as you held the door wide open.

“Sappy romantic comedy? Oh sweetheart, want me to kick the guy's ass? He deserves it. No one hurts my best friend.” He said as he pulled you into a tight hug. The intoxicating smell of his cologne finally breaking you. “I'm so sorry.”

“I'm so sorry too.” You sniffled as you looked up at him. “Our timings sucked.”

“It did. Can we start afresh?” Jensen smiled.

“What about your girlfriend? I don't wanna be your ‘slutty mistress’.” You said, quoting Grey’s Anatomy which made him chuckle.

“I broke up with her. I tried to date other girls to keep you off my mind but there wasn't a single damn second when you didn't cross my mind because I am totally, completely, hopelessly in love with you.” He grinned as he leaned down to kiss your cheek.

“I am in love with you too, Jay.” You said, “Kiss me.” Jensen dropped his head as he leaned into you, capturing your lips with his. His hands travelled all the way down your body before stopping at your waist. He gripped you tightly and pulled you closer, your hands landed on his biceps as you tried to steady yourself. His teeth grazed your lips lightly, making you moan into his mouth. Your hands left his biceps, hooking themselves at the nape of his neck, your fingers tugging at his hair, eliciting a groan out of him.

“Are you trying to turn me on or are you just that oblivious?” He growled into your ear.

“Is it working?” You smirked. Jensen growled once more into your ear before pulling away from you. He effortlessly picked you up, your legs hooking behind him as he went towards the bedroom.

Panting hard you tried to come down from your high as you felt him go soft before he pulled out. He placed a chaste kiss on your lips and rolled off to the side. His chest heaved as he tried to control his breathing, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Lost in an euphoric state, you didn't notice when Jensen had left the bed to get a cloth to clean you up. After a few minutes, he returned back to bed. You laid there in his arms, naked, basking in the afterglow of what was actually the best sex of your life. Jensen was tracing tiny, imperfect circles on your arm as a sigh of contentment left his lips. Your back flushed against his chest, smiling, you spoke.

“We might be each other’s last first kiss.” You turned towards, kissing the corner of his mouth.

“No more bad dates. No more bad first kisses. You're mine.” Jensen whispered.

“You're it. You're my person. My world is a better place with you in it.” You said, snuggling against his warm chest. “I love you.”

Feedback is highly appreciated!

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret - Chapter 1

A/N- So first of all, extremely mature themes, strictly 18+ only This is my baby, I love it and I'm so excited for it but oh my lord! My poor heart writing this. This is going to be a super angsty series. Since I got the idea I've been desperate to get it written, even though it's going to break my heart. The dynamics of it have been driving me insane because I want the first chapter to have a air of mystery to it but then how do I tag it without giving it away? 😩 So I've purposefully left out names in this chapter so you don't know who's who and all will be revealed in good time. Can you work out what's happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts ❤️

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction.

Word count- 2,197

Warnings- Mature themes, swearing, smut, angst, deceit, lies

18+ only!

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke

Posted: 25th Feb 2021

"Babe, don't hate me... I have to go out of town for another conference this weekend" The deep confliction you feel everytime you do this to your boyfriend, never gets any easier.

"I don't hate you, we'll make up for it next week. How about a little romantic trip, just the two of us" he says sweetly, making your heart tug, you wish he was a bad guy it would make this a lot easier.

"That sounds like a great plan, I'll make it up to you tonight" you say, distracted by your thoughts.

"Well that sounds... Intriguing. I'll see you tonight babe" he hung up the phone but you kept it to your ear, still deep in thought before finally realising and putting the phone on the desk next to your computer.

You finished typing up the letter you were working on before the phone call, looking back and forth from your phone to the screen of your computer, still distracted by your thoughts. The butterflies in your stomach making you feel sick. You gave in and grabbed your phone, typing out a text quickly.

-I've told him. Pick me up from work at 5.30 Friday - you stop typing to think for a minute, before finishing the text with two kisses - xx

You try to get your head back into work, the neverending pile of deadlines building up on your desk next to you. When your phone vibrates the desk loudly, you look around to make sure no one's watching you before giving in to your curiosity and picking up your phone.

-Great, see you Friday. I can't wait to see you xxx

You try to feel excited but the overwhelming amount of guilt you feel always overrides that. You wish it could be different, that you could've met in a different way. That you could actually thoroughly enjoy the time you have together rather than feeling a deep shamefulness everytime you meet.

You've got yourself into something so deep that you can't think of a way out of it, either way it ends somebody is going to be hurt. In fact, one way or the other, you're all going to be hurt.

                             *******************

"Hey babe, did you have a good day?" Your boyfriend greets you as you walk into the kitchen, filled with the aromas of the food he was cooking for you.

"It was ok, busy. This smells amazing. What you making?" You ask, kissing him on the cheek as he stands over the stove, stirring a pot of delicious smelling liquid.

"I'm just making a sauce for the pasta" he says letting go of his wooden spoon and grabbing you by the hand to spin you around and face him. 

"Did you bring dessert?" He says into your ear, moving your hair to the side and planting kisses down your neck.

"What no, was I supposed to?" You couldn't remember him saying anything about dessert, yet you'd been pretty distracted most of the day.

"I'm sure you said something about making it up to me tonight?" He smirks, pulling you in for a lingering open mouthed kiss.

"Oh, yeah. That kind of dessert" you say, pulling away slightly.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda ... Distracted" he asks, a look of concern on his face as you shuffle though the papers in your bag.

"No, sorry babe. It's just work, I've had a lot on my mind today" you lie, sort of. You had a lot on your mind it just wasn't work related, even though you wish it was.

As you put the papers back into your bag you can feel your phone vibrating. Fuck sake, not now. Becoming flustered you accidentally drop the bag onto the glass table, nearly jumping out of your skin from the loud noise your phone made as it hit the glass. 

You notice your hands shaking as you hold your phone in front of you, cursing yourself under your breath for being so pathetic. Reading the text has your heart beating at an unbelievable pace, making you light headed and dizzy. 

-Can you meet me tonight? I hate this, I hate not being able to see you whenever I like. Please Y/N xxx

You pull out a chair and sit down before you fall down, why do you have to be pulled about in so many different directions? It was so hard leading a double life and keeping your dirty little secret, it literally ate away at your soul. You were a shell of the person you used to be, completely consumed with lies and deceit.

Sleepless nights, tossing and turning caused by guilt and work schedules and then still having to sneak away whenever you could. You lost yourself, trying to keep two people happy while completely forgetting about yourself.

"Babe?" 

"Huh?" You say looking up from your phone, you hadn't realised he'd been speaking to you.

"I said, red or white? He asks, furrowing his brow at you.

"Sorry, what?" You look confused, shaking your head as if to shake the thoughts right out of there. You have no idea what he's talking about.

"Wine? Foods ready. Do you want red or white... wine?" Looking more concerned.

"Oh, white please. Thank you, this looks amazing" you say, putting your phone into your shirt pocket and tucking your chair under the table, ready to get started. It really did look amazing, you don't deserve him. 

You watched him sit down opposite you, his ridiculously blue eyes catching yours as his fork passes to his lips. He smiles that sweet smile at you, the one that made you fall in love with him all those years ago. The memories of the years flash in front of your eyes in an instant, the first time he told you he loved you, the first kiss, the first time you made love, beautiful, beautiful memories. You can feel a tear prickling at the corner of your eye, lowering your head, hoping he didn't see. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks, reaching across the table to hold your hand in his. The feel of his touch on your hand sends shivers down your spine and the tears spill from your eyes without warning. You hear his chair screech as he pushes it backwards and rushes to your side.

"Babe, please tell me what's wrong?" He kneels In front of you while you rest your head in your hands, completely overwhelmed with guilt. This poor man, my man, how could I do this to him?

"Don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it" you say, self-loathing.

"What are you talking about? Come here" he pulls you up and sits down with you on his lap, lifting your face to look at him which makes you cry even more. 

"I've been so distant with you, so consumed in my damn work that I've been totally neglecting you - " you cry, looking up at him sincerely, tears streaming down your face messily " - I'm so sorry" if only he knew how sorry you actually were. You loved him, he was your first everything, which makes it even harder for you.

"Hey don't be so silly. I'm a big boy, I think I can handle you being a little distracted, it just means when we do get time together it's more special. You've put up with so much from me, with the tabloids and papparzzi. You took it all on when we were still so young and never complained once, this is nothing compared to that" he wipes the tears away from your cheeks. Oh baby, please don't blame yourself.

"I would do it all over again, you know? It was worth it, I'd never change it. You're my childhood sweetheart, we've grown up together and I... I" you're balling like a baby now.

"Shh, baby. Please don't worry about it. You need a break, you've been working way too hard" if only he knew.

He nudges the side of your face with his soft bearded cheek until you give in and look up at him. The tears are also starting to well in his eyes and he smiles at you, at how silly and emotional you're both being. You suck it up and wipe the tears away with your arm.

"Come on, I've got some making up to do" you say, leading him to the bedroom. Your phone begins to vibrate in your pocket - an incoming call. You reach in and hold down the off button, you'll deal with that later.

He stops you before you make it to the bedroom and pushes you hastily against the wall, unable to wait much longer. His hands feel their way down your body until he reaches the hem of your skirt and pushes it up to your stomach, revealing your lacey panties. Your breath hitches as he pushes himself against you, the feel of his hard cock against your exposed panties makes you forget everything else for a moment. 

"I love you so fucking much" he says against your lips, biting gently on your bottom one while his hands run up and down your body. You reach down to unbutton his jeans, it's all very rushed and desperate, you need to feel each other, feel the love you have for each other. You need to show him, a painful desire that burns in your chest to show him that you love him.

So you push him backwards towards the bedroom door, your hands still working his jeans as your lips lock, never pulling apart.

Shoving him slightly too hard back onto your super-king bed in the middle of the room, you waste no time straddling him. He reaches up to unbutton your shirt, thrusting into you as he does so, the need so bad it hurt. You stopped his fingers fiddling with your button midway down your torso so you could pull off his jeans and boxers, while he props himself up on the bed with his elbows. Watching intently as you take control.

You kneel between his thighs, smoothing your hands down those thick muscles. Waiting for him to position himself at the end of the bed, making sure he has a good view before you run your pierced tongue up the shaft, all the way to the tip. Teasing him, knowing full well how it makes him feel. The ways his head falls back, his mouth hung open and the sounds falling from his lips, stir something deep inside you. It makes you feel hot to know you're turning him on this much.

Circling your pointy tongue around the tip, a sultry stare straight into his eyes makes him groan. You take his tip into your mouth, swallowing the drop of precum, licking your lips for him. Sucking on his cock, feeling it throbbing in your mouth, growing impossibly harder.

You can tell he can't handle it anymore when he pulls you onto him so you're sitting on his cock, your walls stretching around him making you both suck in air at the sensitivity. He leans back up to finish unbuttoning your shirt while thrusting his big cock, deep within you. Finally getting your shirt off, he grips his fingers into your ass cheeks, squeezing them as he sits up. Bouncing up and down on his dick, while you stare into each others eyes, the intimacy overwhelming you. Lost in the moment for a precious amount of time, feeling the sensation of your loves cock filling you up beyond limits.

You pull his shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully, tanned body. Holding on tightly to you while he pushes himself up the bed so he can lean his back against the headboard. Watching your tits move as you bounce on his cock, thrusting into you with his jaw clenched. You know that look, the way he's desperately trying not to come too quickly.

Both of your breathes are getting faster as you bounce harder, the gripping sensation rises through you.

"I love you" you say between breaths, leaning down to say it into his ear. 

"Fuck - " he groans, pulling out of you quickly before he come, your rising orgasm fading away. 

" - fuck Sorry, babe. That was too fucking much" He rolls you over underneath him and quickly positions himself back at your entrance, easing in painfully slowly.

Now thrusting into you at an unforgivable pace, making you gasp everytime he slammed into you. Pushing your knees back towards your face and settling himself between them, holding your head with both hands and gazing into your eyes. He's ready, you're ready, you can feel it rising as he rolls his hips into you. The look of love in his eyes making you feel emotional, he's panting and you're moaning as he lets go and pumps into you making you lose it and scream out as you gush everywhere. Holding onto the sheets, tightly, as you wait for your toes to uncurl, still inside of you he lays on your stomach trying to catch his breath. Your muscles cramp up and shake making you wince as you try to move out from underneath him

"Are you ok?" His head snaps up, concerned.

"Yeah, just cramp" you whine, stretching out your legs when he rolls to your side.

"I really do love you" you say moving into his arms.

"I know you do. I love you too" he says kissing the top of your head. You're brought back to reality when you hear your phone vibrating again on the floor, in the pocket of your shirt. 

"You're popular tonight" he says noticing the sound of your phone as it vibrates the floorboards.

"It's just work, it can wait until tomorrow" you say, content being in his arms for a little longer and forgetting that anything or anyone else exists. Even if it is only for a moment.

[everafterkeiji]

Song: Getting Over You by Lauv

Summary: Unexpected things happen all the time but meeting him was one of the best parts of it.

Pairings: Atsumu Miya x gn!reader

Word count: 7.1k

Tags, Genre: implied enemies to semi lovers! trope, slight angst, curse words, timeskip! Atsumu

A/N: pls i didn't intend to change it last minute but pls let me know if u liked it cuz im still having second thoughts <3

“No- I’m sorry.” Atsumu says as you felt your heart snap and break into two distant pieces. You already limited your expectations but there was a miniature amount of hope that you held onto and that was when you should’ve lost your grip.

“It’s fine, ‘Tsumu.”

It obviously wasn’t. No matter how loud the cries of your heart were, what mattered to you in this moment was to forget it ever happened- to run away and never face another failed trial of love. Atsumu can see past your smile and he hated the way it had to end in a way he avoided. There would be a time where his feelings would be up to confrontation but when it finally happened, he’d became a coward.

He was late to realize what the outcomes could lead to. How certain was he that your paths would meet again? How was he sure that he can revert this scenario in a better way that he wanted when you were losing your hold onto him?

“I have to go but it was nice knowing you, Miya.” Your lips were tugged in a weak smile while he questions why his body lacked the power to move but what resumes to play in his mind was the way his name escaped your lips like it was a curse to say it.

Turning your heel, there was an ache in Atsumu’s head. Was it regret? His decisions tied in knots? His emotions unable to declutter themselves? Hesitantly, he reaches for you. His hand wrapped around yours as you glanced down on his soft skin you used to despise to get near to.

His eyes told you stories that were hard to decipher all at once. His stories didn’t start with a setting, it started and ended with you, not a single page where you weren’t there but it seems like the chapters you had in your own story were being torn off to erase the traces of false hope.

“Y/N, I'm so sorry.” He whispers while you felt his hand tighten to make sure that you could stay- even if it lasted for a minute because he wasn’t sure fate could spare you two another moment.

But then, you softly removed his hold on you while the cold sweat runs down his forehead.

“It’s okay, ‘Tsumu. We were just never meant for each other.”

We could’ve been.

-

“Thank you for your time.” You bid the player as both bow each other as a way of manner. You gathered your bag as the athlete turns to you with a kind smile.

“I enjoyed the interview. I’m impressed at how prepared and professional you are. How long have you been doing this?” He asks, adjusting his outfit while you toss your bag on your shoulder with your camera slung around your neck.

“There was a journalism club back in my high school and I joined in ever since I was a first year.”

“You’re in college now?”

“Yes, sir.” He chuckles at your formality while he gives a pat to your shoulder.

“That’s good to hear. Goodluck with everything- I believe that you’ve got bright things ahead of you.” Your heart fluttered at the compliment while you bid your goodbyes. You step out of the hotel feeling the satisfaction hit you like a prize. The report can finally be simplified into a few more subtle fixes and maybe by 1am, you’d be able to present it to your professor without doubting your work.

Sighing happily, you decided to reward yourself to a lovely lunch with a view you often visited due to a reminiscent feeling that bubbles in your system. After ordering, you sat outside admiring the way the sun sets and leaves a lasting beauty before the moon shows.

The stress was fading from you. You had expected that the project would’ve taken weeks for you to finish knowing that some retired athletes usually avoid questions to why they left the sport they used to love. You had called a few, a struck of confidence was enough to make you do so but they often cancel your request because they either paid attention to your young age or because they weren’t ready to be asked such personal questions about them. You were lucky to score and interview with a well-known athlete whose had his fair share of the spotlight during his early 20’s. Sadly, his retirement was due to an accident and his weak body levels couldn’t bare the adrenaline of the sport. He was kind, patient, and understanding. Ever since he agreed, your attention was on the questions you’d lay upon him seeing that this was an opportunity you can’t waste. After gathering some of his past glories, you narrowed down your interrogation on what remains important to benefit the topic of your project. You were more than proud because of the compliment he had given you and the fact that you might be able to catch a break after a hectic week.

Opening your camera and flicking through the photos to decide on which you were going to use. Suddenly, a photo meets your sight. The peak of blonde and gray hair with a uniform that you missed.

The Inarizaki Volleyball Team.

Most especially, him.

A few years has passed since you’ve seen him and his brother. Osamu’s last interaction with you was filled with nothing but sweet memories and a hug that you could never forget the warmth of, while Atsumu’s last memory with you remained bittersweet- like a sour flavor in his tongue that never left. You tried too hard to forget fragments of your time with him but because of how much work you put yourself through, you lost time to reflect on the moments that didn’t hurt.

Half of your high school life was compressed into confusing parts of your story.

But the chapter that seems to be the most influential part of it, was where you got to meet the blonde who has stomped on your heart.

It was funny to be remembered as a person who had the guts to sneeze during the great Miya setters serve.

“Achoo!”

You immediately cover your face with your handkerchief as your sneeze echoed through the gym making Atsumu’s hand lose its power because he was stunned by the sound, the ball hitting the net instead as he almost hits Aran who was wide eyed that ball went his way. The team could hear Osamu’s ‘uh-oh’ and it was enough for them to know what the setter feels after the unfortunate event.

Atsumu grits his teeth as the other team cheers knowing they got the score while his head jolts to the crowd, aggressively searching for the one who messed up his serve. Even eyeing his fans who got scared by the way he turned his head in their direction.

Meanwhile, you’ve got glares surrounding you as your friend nudges you, letting out an exhale of disbelief that you’ve got death stares.

“We’ll get the next point ‘Tsumu, don’t worry.” Osamu says landing a hand to his brothers' shoulder while Atsumu readies himself for the serve of the opposite team.

“Whatever.”

After that certain match, Atsumu was more than determined to hunt down whoever caused the flunk of his serve. Silly as it is, he’s never heard someone dare to speak during his serve. He’d always let out a hand signal for them to be quiet- let it be known that if someone spoke, he’d be fine with it but a whole sneeze? He’d never let it go, especially when it resonated in his ears.

So, imagine the look on his face when he hears the exact same sound when he was just stopping by his locker.

“Fucking dust.” You said sniffling as you closed the door to your locker, and you were face to face with a wide-eyed Miya Atsumu holding out his finger and pointing it to you, as if he was accusing you of murder.

“It’s you!” He shouts making you raise your eyebrow at him, but the raise of his voice had intimidated you.

“What?” You asked him, not finding a single clue on whatever he was pertaining to.

“You messed up my serve by sneezing.” He says in the tone of ‘as-a-matter-of-fact’ making you lick your lips, a hand to your hip as you looked at him.

“I’m not apologizing for something I can’t control.” You were completely baffled by this man. Sure, you were his classmate, but this was your first year and you barely cared to take notice of all of them, only focusing on your school group that had you busy.

“You could’ve held it for like 2 more seconds at least.” You blinked before letting out a tired exhale as you eye him up and down. The setter of the school's volleyball team, you were aware of that because of how many matches you’ve been dragged to, but he’s never come up to you before.

This was a whole other introduction.

“Miya, right?” You asked him as he steps forward, looking down on you with a sly smirk.

“I guess I’m sorry.”

Atsumu stays silent for a few seconds but returns to his angry pout as he continues to stare at you.

“What’s your name?” Atsumu asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Y/N.”

From thereon, it looked like your life’s plot had spiked up. Atsumu was- you could call it as a miscalculation. Someone so loud and had his ego constantly fed was not someone you would stick around due to your strict schedule of balancing schoolwork and papers from your club. It was like a bump in the road wherein the objects in your car would’ve been juggled around because of the impact- that's what it felt like. Thinking that two years would’ve passed by like a breeze, time slowed down with him. The constant bickering and arguments were embedded in you like a tattoo. The way his cackle would echo through your ears when he’d struck a nerve to you, the way he’d purposely call you nicknames you swore you hated, to the same jokes can be dragged on for hours, and how every fiber of your body promised you’d leave when you’ve had enough.

But promises were always broken.

You stuck around and he did too. Atsumu provided you with his trust and company whenever you needed it. It’s a pleasant experience but it surely wasn’t at its best. What comes with it were headaches and harsh words but having a person who knew you until graduation and stayed was a different reason. He was a familiar, a person who isn’t a call away when you needed it but being in their presence would give you a pinch of comfort.

Maybe the only thing you can thank Atsumu for is getting to know his twin brother.

You accidentally sent a text to Osamu about you panicking about a missing file to be passed the following day and Osamu was up and ready to help you locate it. After finding it, you decided to treat him for being a life saver and he of course, was having the time of his life for the free food- it was also his favorite restaurant at that moment. During this time, you’ve got to talk more about each other. Months pass now Osamu and you were way better friends than you and his brother.

You and Osamus’ bond were the type that was just so serene, hardly any type of judgement when you’d bring up a problem, and all secrets were kept tight.

Osamu was the shoulder you can lean on, while Atsumu’s would shove your head away when you do so.

Your friendship drifted away when Atsumu stabbed your heart with the words “No.” and “I’m sorry.” You hesitated that day, to dial Osamu’s phone the way you used to, but it never happened. Your sobs muffled your voice and if you called him, he’d never understand a word that you’d say.

The opposite is that Osamu would understand everything.

Because you and Atsumu mirrored the same amount of pain.

He’d never seen his brother so- ruined. Atsumu’s thin walls didn’t shield his shouts of sorrow while Osamu withstood every bit of the torture show his brother had. Checking him on the next day, the setter was fast asleep with bags under his eyes and a red nose, clutching onto his pillow so tightly.

Osamu knew that day that the damage has been done and not a single band aid would mend the two shattered hearts.

-

Atsumu strolls to the around looking for a restaurant along with his teammates. The sun has fully set making the streets of Japan light up with how busy and crowded they were. Bokuto and Hinata were busy pointing at stands that had their favorite slabs of meat while Sakusa trails behind them with a mask, wanting to be removed from the push of people. As the eyes of the blonde land on a certain stand with multiple notes stuck onto a board, he smiles fondly. He then sees two kids running with smiles on their lips as they held each other's hand, obviously excited to explore the night.

“Come on, don’t be a wuss.” Atsumu says as you rolled your eyes and thought hard about his hand that was held out in front of you. Atsumu grunts before taking your hand in his before you could even decide properly. You followed his lead as he walked you through the sea of people. You were nervous that he had left practice to accompany you. Observing you from afar, you looked devastated, but you continued the rest of the day with a smile like nothing happened. Seeing that you looked dull talking to Karou, he pulled you away from whatever void of sadness you surrounded yourself in.

“Atsumu shouldn’t you be at practice?” You asked sighing, still with his hand in yours as you stopped by a stand.

“I should be but whatever that Karou did is obviously hurting you, you idiot.” Your eyes widened at his statement and this reaction confirmed his suspicions as anger forms inside of him. What could that boy have done to get you this upset? Did he physically hurt you? Atsumu hated how he cared- it wasn’t his business to meddle with but the frown on your lips was something he wanted to remove from you.

“Thank you.” You muttered as he buys you the same thing he ordered. He sees how you weren’t as colorless as before. The lights of the night brought saturation to your features as his eyes adored every feature of yours.

“It’s nothing.”

“Atsumu-san?” Hinata asks, tapping the boy on the shoulder while the blonde awakens from his escape.

Atsumu looks around once more, seeing that there wasn’t a trace of you, he moves on.

Like he was supposed to do in the first place.

-

“For our new assignment, why don’t we take the vice versa of your last project. Retirement is inescapable but why not find the reason they’d got into the sport. What makes it so exhilarating and unforgettable? That will be our topic this week. I’m giving you a week for interviews, photos, and articles. Video format is more suited for this task. Is that clear?” You all nodded as you wrote down the list of possible athletes to meet, jotting down an outline of some key points to remember.

“A tip for you all: look for the younger generations. It doesn’t matter to me what status the athlete stands in right now, it could be a friend or even a child. What I’m looking for the depths of the details in your research.” The professor stands making all of you bid him goodbye as he walks out of the room. You gathered your notebooks, sighing that you won’t have the time to properly rest- an exam was near right at the submission of your new task. You realized that you needed to sort out the things you were required to do before everything would pile up and get tangled in the short amount of time.

Who should I interview? God, everyone is so busy at this season. You thought. It’s true- you realized that matches were always lined up by this month. You also had classes to attend to and your mind could collapse at any given moment. You were more than worried about organizing your time properly but the feeling that you’d have several sleepless nights haunts you. You wished he could have extended the submission- though it didn’t get any better since after exams you tended to be drained from studying all night.

Going back to your apartment, you decided to put sticky notes all over your wall to help you sort out your priorities. Tomorrow would be Saturday meaning that you’ve done all the works to be passed on Monday and that you had zero meetings or classes. Saturday and Sunday would be divided to work parts, by Monday you should be up and running to work again.

You couldn’t let go of this group. It had given you countless of opportunities- even an offering to be an editor at a well-known magazine agency. You were in queue for the letter, so you decided to continue with the tasks of the group. You were thankful that you got used to the craziness of it all. The ability to multitask, to put the phone down once in a while, managing your time, those were just one of the benefits of getting used to it. The things you hated was that you barely had time for yourself. To lounge and just do nothing never met with what you were doing. You envied how some people from your group would plan some hang outs during a busy week and you always questioned how they managed to do it all without panicking.

You yawned as you felt your stomach growl at the scent of the delicious street food. Seeing that you fell short on money because the amount that was in your wallet was enough for your way home, it meant you’d have to wait to eat dinner until you came home. Letting out a groan you decided to walk your way even if you get shoved. God, you were starving and exhausted. The emotions were starting to fill you the more you moved. It didn’t help that everyone was so loud. You could hear the sound of the cackles from the drunken men in the corner, the cries of the baby that brought irritation to your eardrums and even the off-key singing of a (possibly) drunk girl at karaoke. You just wanted to cover your ears and crawl back to your bed not caring if you’d only be able to get 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

As you walked, you felt a boiling pile of liquid drip to your stomach making you let out a yelp as your clothes were drenched in the coffee stain that you despised. The liquid got to your skin making you wince at just how it impacted on your skin. You felt your eyes water as the woman tried to pat away the drink but instead made it worse because you wanted the fabric to be away from you as possible- which was the opposite of what she was doing.

“Oh my god- I'm so sorry.” She kept saying while patting your abdomen while you tried to wave her off, but she kept going making the tears flow from your eyes as you chose to walk away, covering your face at how humiliated you were. You sobbed in your hands as you bumped into someone before removing them from your face to find a bench to sit on but seeing that people were already turning their heads to look at you, you’ve had enough already.

Finally finding your bus stop, you sat down burying your face in the palm of your hands sobbing as your mind replays how you’ve made a fool out of yourself for the last time. Everything was going terribly and you didn’t know how to control it without losing your cool. Sure, you’ve managed to escape the people but the feeling is still badly glued to you.

“Is everything okay?”

Someone asks but the voice became a blur to you because you were so focused on your sobs and the unstable breathing.

“Go away.” You whispered but there was a weight added to your left side as you kept your face hidden behind your hands.

“I shouldn’t have asked.” The man says looking down before standing up to leave the bench, making you intake in a sharp exhale, relieved he left.

“Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult? How am I gonna interview a volleyball player at this state?” You rambled on thinking that guy has exited your business and was free from companion.

“I mean- we’re not close- but I’m a volleyball player?”

You wiped your eyes as your heart started to run a mile now that you’ve familiarized yourself with his voice.

Lifting your head, there in front of you was the one thing that your heart had wished to see.

“Atsumu?”

His eyes widen as his chest expands, his heart growing ten times bigger than it was while it beats like a drum on heavy metal song.

“Y/N- I didn’t know- wow.” Breathless, speechless, weak- those were the words that defined your emotions. You wanted to pass out- to act like you just mistaken him for a person but he was real and you had a hard time believing it.

“Atsumu?" God, he missed it. The way his name would fall of those taunting lips of yours. The tone in your voice leading him back to the memories that he couldn’t push away.

You had to believe it. There was no other way that your starvation can make you this delusional. You called his name like you were unsure that he was ever real- like a character your brain had developed to cope with your sorrows. You dared to touch him, maybe if you did it would be a wisp of air but you were scared that if you reached out to him, you could feel his skin and remember how you wanted it to be within your grasp all the time.

Perhaps it’s a dream but this time you’d never want to wake up if this was the only way you can be together.

“Y/N..I- how are you?” How could he manage to act so civil? Your presence shocked him like electricity in his veins, pumping his heart at an unusual speed. His voice was unsteady and low, experiencing the same thoughts like you.

It’s like he was dragged back to your last encounter. Seeing your eyes filled with so much agony and how you looked so torn from his rejection, it’s the same look that you had now. It’s like his eyes were playing a risky game with him but he couldn’t complain since he’s been wanting to see you ever since you let go.

“Well, I’m burned-out that’s for sure.” You said with a light chuckle as he sits back down, wondering if it’d be alright to be close to you.

“What’s this interview about?” He asks, fiddling with the strings of his jacket while you tore your eyes away from him because you knew the admiration for him would erupt anytime soon.

“What got athletes into the sport in the first place.” Atsumu places his finger under his chin, thinking deeply about what offer he just made.

It’d mean that he could be in the same room with you for more than the hours he spent crying to himself but why waste the chance? You needed it- heck you wouldn’t be this distraught if you weren’t so affected by it. There was a never-ending list of things to do but meeting with Atsumu wasn’t even in your list of expectations because you were over with hoping into something that takes a miracle.

But he is the miracle.

“Atsumu..I don’t want you to see me like this.” You said, looking down on your hands that were on your lap, letting your hair fall in front of you to avoid his concerned gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t seen you in years, this is not what I planned to look like when I first see you.” Atsumu feels his heart frown at how low you spoke of yourself, but he understood. If you saw him in the state that you were in right now, he too would feel like he could’ve done or look better, even at least handle the situation without crumbling apart.

He knew you were in a troubled place of your mind but he just wonders where you could talk about why everything fell apart.

He missed the way it was casual to talk to you. Maybe an insult as a greeting, or a flick to the arm but he never expected to talk to you with his heart dropping in your hands. He just couldn’t forget the way you’d let him go that day during graduation, it’s almost like the sensation was still lingering around his palm even if he held a ball.

He just wished he said yes, only then, you’d be meant for each other.

“Do you mean it?” You asked sighing, not baring the weight of his silence. The pace of his heart quickens as he starts to worry if this was the confrontation that he held back all these years.

“The interview.” He was more than glad to do it. He was thankful that you weren’t talking about the bad memories or the circle of tension you two were in.

He looks at you while another strike was given to his heart seeing you this way. He’d do everything to bring back the color in your features.

“Of course.”

You smiled at his words as you both stand up but you felt conscious about the stain that was still stuck to your shirt making you desperately try to hide it by pulling your bag to the messed up section. Atsumu didn’t know that the person he had followed was the same person that got coffee dipped down on them. He didn’t recognize you at first because you had your hands covering your cries. He was worried for you when you ran off but when he knew it was you, he couldn’t believe if it was luck or a granted wish.

“Just wear this.” He says, handing you placing his jacket on your shoulders as your heart flutters at how he looked at you, completely filled with sincerity and the way his hand stayed on your shoulder.

“What the fuck do you want?” He asks you with a knife-like stare, purposely bumping harshly into you.

“Wow Miya, I was just walking.” You said returning the same fuel that he had.

“Then get out of my way then.”

“Thank you.” You said smiling lightly. He catches a glimpse of your smile and he feels his world light up at the sight of it.

I missed you.

“So where to?” He asks as you walk beside him just like old times. His height still intimidating you but it was still difficult to believe that this was the same Atsumu you had fallen for in high school.

“My apartment. We missed the bus so I hope it’s okay for you to wait.”

“I can always drive us there.” You’ve never whipped your head faster than this moment. You always trusted Osamu when he said that Atsumu couldn’t be a better driver than his own brother because Atsumu liked to rev up the engine like one of those scenes in a movie.

With the thought in your mind, you laughed.

Atsumu stops walking as he lets himself dwell at the sound of it.

Then there was a smile that he couldn’t contain.

“Sorry for laughing, ‘Tsumu. Never pictured you to have a car earlier than ‘Samu that’s all.” You explained as he chuckles, continuing to be beside you, a place that he finds himself to be the happiest.

“Yeah yeah I get it- I’m a little careless but not all the time y’know?” He says while he leads the way. The breeze felt comfortable now, it had a tweak of coldness but maybe it was just the atmosphere of you two.

When you walked to his car and told him your address, there was another silence but you tried to tell yourself that this was just Atsumu. Nothing to be worried about because you’ve known him for too long to act like all distant.

This is Atsumu- that's every reason that there is to feel nervous around him.

“How long have you been living there?” He asks while you started to feel just how badly you wanted to give in to sleepiness. You shifted once in a while to control yourself from falling asleep in his damn car. Every urge to just lay quiet for a while but you knew this would lead to a deep slumber.

“Ever since graduation.” You answered, annoyed that his jacket was inviting you to lay there and sleep away your stress though you were scared that once you wake up- Atsumu would be gone again.

“And you didn’t call to tell me about it?” He jokes but the chuckle that he expected never came because he knew just how awkward it’d be if you actually called just for that sole reason. Atsumu bites his lip at his failed attempt to drag the conversation on.

Then you giggled.

“I wanted to but I wouldn’t wanna bother the famous MSBY player.” You said smiling at him, proud that he continued on. You knew from Osamu of course, a single update when he had mentioned how well his restaurant had become, you also saw them in a poster once, even recognizing a few of his past opponents.

“Well, it would be a shame.”

There you are.

You finally arrived at your apartment and again you felt the slice of satisfaction as you removed your shoes and placed them on the table. You were partly thankful that your apartment was clean since you never have the time to spend a whole day in it only coming home late at night. Atsumu looks around as you prepare him a drink and a few snacks-it'd be rude not to.

Atsumu sees the photos where you won several awards for your loyalty and hardwork at your club. He sees how time passes and you grew into a version of you that he finds even more flawless then before. Your equipment and how everything was organized on your desk, he knew how much things changed because he used to see you doubt yourself every time you’d finish a paper but now you won awards because of them.

“Atsumu, is it alright if I shower real fast?” You asked while he raises a brow at you confused that you had to ask for his permission.

“Of course, Y/N- you didn’t have to ask.” He said chuckling while he sits on the couch, letting his eyes wonder around.

“I promise I���ll be back.”

“Please don’t rush yourself. Take yer time. “ He says while you smile at him before dashing to your room to gather new clothes, feeling like you’ve won a lottery with how happy you were to remove the coffee drenched top, tossing it to your laundry bin while you step into the shower enjoying the way the water decorated your skin, cleansing it from all the worries. While Atsumu scrolls on his phone to ease himself from the anxiousness. His finger would casually glide over Osamu’s phone number, to ask him what to do.

After a few minutes, you stepped out of the shower like a whole new person. You saw the way Atsumu’s eyes lit up when you walked in but you pushed the thought away. He pats the seat next to him while you grabbed your notebook and pen, ready to scribble down the questions.

“Are there any uncomfortable questions you’d want to avoid?” You asked him while he shakes his head while you took note of the possible questions.

“Is it okay for the interview to be filmed?” He nodded while you leaned onto the pillow, sighing happily at how you’ve managed to calm down from the pile of embarrassment earlier.

“Thank you for doing this, ‘Tsumu- really you don’t know how much I appreciate you for this.” You said leaning your cheek on the side of the couch as Atsumu copies your actions staring at you lovingly.

“You’re welcome, Y/N.” He says smiling while you returned to write a list of questions for him. With every time you look down on your notebook, Atsumu’s eyes never left you while his mind recalls every moment where he msised the opportunity to tell you just how beautiful you were.

Soon, you’ve fallen asleep while he lets the feeling sink in.

I’ve never wanted to hold you more than I do now.

He sighs before placing the blanket on your body while he kneels down and tucks a piece of hair behind your ear, his finger tracing your cheek.

“You’ll never know how much I missed you.” He whispers while you shifted in your sleep meeting his face. Before he stands up, he feels you reach for him while he’s left surprise at your touch.

“Stay please.” You whispered while he smiles weakly, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“I always will.”

-

The morning comes and you felt the blush creep on your cheeks remembering how easily you felt asleep. You wondered if Atsumu stayed, if he left- you couldn’t really blame him. So yawning and stretching when you woke up, you certainly didn’t expect to see Atsumu cooking you some breakfast. You couldn’t even move your legs, every part of you has gone stiff just admiring the way he moves.

“Hey, good morning.” He greets with a wave, a spatula in his hand, a bright smile tugged on his lips.

“Atsumu- oh god I’m so sorry.” You said as you went to him. You caught a whiff of what he was cooking and you swore you could’ve drooled knowing you didn’t even got the chance to eat dinner. Atsumu knew that of course so he called Osamu up in the morning to serve you the best breakfast he could ever make. He was initially supposed to make you dinner but you fell asleep before he could do it so this was his rebound.

“Idiot, it’s fine. Just sit down on the table and I’ll prepare the food.”

“Atsumu-“

“Just go, Y/N. I promise it’s okay- you deserve to rest before you work again.” You couldn’t even think properly with his words. It was so minimum but it was something you’d forget to do- rest. Hearing him remind you that sets a new feeling in your system. You did obey him though, you sat on the table as he even handed you coffee for him and you, placing the breakfast on the table. God, he was everything. You thought that after a few years, you two would completely drift apart but it seems like you were wrong for the hundredth time.

“Please don’t even think about ways to thank me, it’s nothing to me. “ He says taking the seat next to you while you place the food on his plate. You couldn’t even utter a word at how grateful you were for him and he’d be happy to get used to seeing you first thing in the morning.

“Atsumu, after breakfast can we have a run down of the questions first?” You asked him, growing more comfortable.

“Yeah sure.”

-

You sat on the couch, placing your camera on the table aligning it to the best possible angle as Atsumu sits down in front of you. You had your notebook on your lap as he praises how you looked so professional even if it was just a practice.

“Ready?” You asked while he nods with a smile as you pressed the camera to shoot so you could keep your composure, even if you struggled to.

“What does the sport mean to you?” You asked him, your eyes glimmering with the suns rays hitting it perfectly, while the words were removed from Atsumus mind. Seeing his hesitation, you decided to reassure him.

“It’s fine if you can’t answer straight away. I can always change the question if you like.” You commented, smiling at him to make sure he doesn’t feel rushed to answer. He nods, still not finding the exact same words to describe what he wanted to say.

“I’ll change the question for now.” You said while he let’s out a sigh before listening to you once again.

“What was the biggest struggle in your career?” He sends you a worried stare but his mind nearly bursts at his answer.

“Getting over you.”

You dropped your pen on the couch as Atsumu continued to speak since this was the answer his heart was sure of responding to.

“I tried to forget- I did. For every year that passes, the more fucking harder it gets to act like I didn’t love you back when you walked away.”

“Atsumu-“

“I know I said no- I was too late to realize how stupid I was to be scared of falling for you. I couldn’t let myself be the man who could love you when all this time I tried to hate you because I knew I would hurt you- and I already did.”

We get hurt a lot but it doesn’t mean I won’t come back to you.

Love grew and died during your second year at Inarizaki.

Before Atsumu, you found Karou. A boy who was a new recruit to your group whose helped you multiple times and has shared a conversation with you about your similar likes. There was this strange infatuation with him that even Osamu had to question how deep was the bite of love on you. You’ve fallen, of course. Occasionally leaving notes on his desk to just let him know how he made your day but it never worked. He would only paste the note on another persons desk like it was nothing. Not even getting the reaction you wanted, it felt too normal when it shouldn’t be. Realizing how this was just rejection in the shadows, you gave up. Obviously heart broken at the mere thought of how your chances were blown away. When Atsumu saw how gloomy you were that day, he had to show you how much you didn’t need Karou and there grew a different bond between the both of you.

And with a bond like that, you became attached to him.

It was all becoming clearer and clearer as you realized that you fell for the wrong person first.

“You’re too stupid to fall for a douche like him. “ He says kicking the rock that was in front of him.

“You’re lucky with that admirer of yours, Miya. I’ve never seen someone stick around you for so long.” You teased. It’s true the half of the twin hearthrob has gotten himself a sincere admire. It wasn’t one of his crazy fans- this was a person who genuinely cared for him and the words on every note he received would make the poor boy blush uncontrollably and you envied how he’s yet to realize that he too was falling for this unknown person.

While you two were oblivious to the slip up of the universe, it took a toll on you.

Because the notes you’d leave on Karous desk, always ended up on Atsumu’s instead.

“I wanna meet them so bad. Just to see if they actually care and it’s not a prank. They haven’t given me a note and it’s been what a month? I doubt it was ever real.”

“With the amount of effort they gave, I’m sure it was real.”

It’s real for me even if it shouldn’t be.

There wasn’t any other way then to accept the feelings that stayed on your skin. The moments where you thought that being around Atsumu would bring you stressful banters and more, it turned into butterflies that surrounded your room. You chose to deny it at first but remembering that graduation and good-byes were near, you had to tell him at some point.

And when you did, you poured your heart out and not even a single drop was caught.

“Last words before I forget your dumbass?” He taunts while you felt your sweat drip down the side of your forehead as you couldn’t control it anymore. You wondered if there was a simple word to describe just how much you adored him without turning it into a whole speech. This was it- you had to do it or else you’d end up being stuck on the feeling of loving him.

“I..like you Atsumu and I can’t say good-bye without telling you.”

Then there was the awful silence that he gave making you clutch onto your shirt, preparing you for the worst.

But by the way he looked so terrified and frozen, you knew.

“Atsumu?”

“No- I’m sorry.”

“And I don’t know what I’d do if I let you leave again.” He whispers as he leans closer to you, taking your hands in his while your ability to speak has been taken away by how gentle he was as his thumb caresses your hand and a look that looked so fragile.

He takes his hand and cups your cheek, pulling you close to him as his vulnerability increases.

“Do you feel the same too?” He was being so careful because a wrong choice of a word could make it all fall apart again and you could feel how tense he was but he holds you like a gem- something so beautiful that it’d cost him his life if he ever dropped you.

Your hand lands on the same hand that was on your cheek while Atsumu’s eyes widen remembering how you neglected to hold his hand before.

But it stayed.

Closing your eyes and melting in his touch, you spoke.

“I never stopped loving you, Atsumu.”

He lets his forehead rest on yours, a smile on his lips, who was soon to be on yours.

“Then be mine all over again.”

[dabiboy]

Here is part 2! Tbh I want to see more about Natsu's and Rei's reaction, and of course what is going to happen with Dabi, so enjoy the cliffhanger 👀 let me know if you'd like to be tagged!

Part 1

Rencounter [Part 2/?]

Two weeks ago

"Dabi?'' You said in surprise as you opened the door and he stepped into your apartment, ''I thought you were not coming until next week''

''We need to talk, y/n'' He said, not even looking at you. You walked towards him once the door was closed.

''Is everything all right?'' When you were facing him, you lifted a hand to caress his cheek but he abruptly pulled away.

''Stop that, for fuck's sake. Stop that.'' Your jaw dropped slightly, he was usually rough but that rough?

''Stop what?'' You asked in disbelief, moving your hand to its previous position.

''All of this, us'' You noticed how he clenched his jaw and then his blue eyes were right over yours ''This needs to be over, y'hear me?''

''What?'' You asked with a smile, a smile that was there because you thought he was joking, but when he didn't laugh you knew he was not faking it ''You're kidding, right?''

''I'm not kidding. This? You and I? Can't keep happening anymore. And thank me I came all the way here and not just fucking disappear from your life from one day to another.''

''I can't believe this, Dabi. Why? Yesterday you texted me, things were fine and I-'' He cut you off, not even paying attention to the tears in your eyes, or the confusion and pain in your voice.

''I was not made for this, I can't just be here and play the happy little couple with you. So fuck all of this.'' He turned over and started walking to the door again ''Sorry for making you waste your time'' And right then, getting out of the frozen state you grabbed his wrist, making him look at you over his shoulder.

''You're not leaving until you give me a reason,'' Holding back the tears, you spoke ''What the hell? Yesterday you sent me a text telling me that you loved me, that you cared about me and now this?''

''Can't you fucking see it, then?'' He scoffed, turning around again ''I care about you more than I should, y/n. And the only thing I'm doing is dragging you down with me, it is better if I leave.''

''We... We had this type of conversation before, and I already told you that-''

''Told me what? That you'll stay with me until the end? My end is near, and if I don't go to jail I'll die and drag everyone down with me.'' He raised his voice. ''Get away from me, move on. Get a fucking life, one that's better than the shit I give you''

''You don't give me shit, Dabi. I love you, everything about you and how you are when you're with me'' It was impossible to hold back the tears that were escaping from your eyes at that point.

''You think I haven't noticed? How you look at couples in the street? Or the way you smile at the screen when you see your friends sharing their damn life, getting engaged, having kids, moving together. I can't even take you out for a fucking coffee'' He snapped.

''I never asked you any of that! I smile because I'm happy for them, not because I want their lives!'' You snapped to. Why was it so hard for him to understand? ''I'm not planning getting married, either having kids. I don't want the world to know, I give a fuck about posting pictures and stories on Instagram, I just want to enjoy my time with you!''

''You're not enjoying it! You are worried all the fucking time, let me go! Forget about me, get you someone who gives you what you deserve!'' If he could cry, tears would be running down his cheeks as well. ''I'm broken, I'm cursed. I look like a fucking zombie, y/n. Get the fuck away from me before we both go down.'' Dabi said in between his teeth as he hit the table with his fist.

''Listen, I know you. I know you're not a role model, I know you've killed people and done even worse. I'm not romanticizing those actions, they're wrong as fuck but guess what, this society is wrong too. All that Enji did to you? How some actions are done by heroes are hidden? All the pain you went through? All of this is fucked up. But guess what, I fell for you, for the one I knew under all of that pain'' You almost yelled, feeling your eyes burning because of the tears and your heart racing.

''Oh you do? Sorry to break it up to you, but I'm nothing but a monster, a villain who doesn't regret his actions, and will not regret them.''

''The monster that tells me how much he loves me when he thinks I fell asleep? Or the one that plays with my hair when I'm sad?'' Dabi was silent ''Is that the monster you're talking about?''

''Y/n...'' Dabi denied ''You're not getting this. I might hurt you, and I don't want that.''

''You won't. I'm a grown woman, I know where I am standing, and I want to keep standing by your side. ''And I also know you might die soon, so please, don't push me away. Not now'' This time your voice was low, your chin trembling. You felt how his hand pulled you from your nape, making your forehead rest against his. It was his gesture, the one he used to do when he wanted to say he loved you but he couldn't, the one when thanked you for anything, or the one when he wanted just to be close to you but was too ashamed to ask.

''Are you sure about this?'' He whispered ''Are you sure you want to burn with me?'' Dabi's eyes were closed, clenching his teeth as he resisted the urge to kiss you and hold you in his arms.

''Today, tomorrow, and always'' You whispered back, caressing his cheek with your thumb as you sobbed.

............................................

Present time

Crickets and the sound of leaves against branches were the only sound filling the room, that and two lovers' breathing. You used one finger to trace Dabi's chest, drawing imaginary figures on his chest. The side of your body was holding your weight as you kept looking at him under the blueish light. Once you got tired, you pressed a soft kiss on his shoulder and lay down by his side, one hand on his abdomen and your face nuzzled against his neck.

''So you were really willing to burn with me'' He said suddenly, a raspy and tired voice.

''I told you I was'' You said, and then lifted your eyes at him ''How are you feeling?''

''Like shit'' He said, and then looked at the door ''y/n,'' he said in a low voice, still looking at the door ''Are they here?''

''Yes, they are.'' You said softly, having no idea how to approach that topic.

''What a lovely family meeting'' He chuckled and then coughed. ''This is so fucked up'' Dabi said again, moving his head to the side so it could rest on your temple.

''How can you still be an idiot even in this state?'' you said a little amused

''It is just who I am, doll. Can't help it y'know'' you felt a bit coldness in the hand that was on his abdomen, and it were the staples he had on his hand when he grabbed yours and squeezed it tightly.

Meanwhile, outside the room was someone watching every move. Her eyes were filled with tears, should she run over the man laying there or should she just wait? Rei thought that the second option suited best. His first son, the one who was wounded as much as physically and mentally looked in peace while laying next to the woman he loved. She had waited over years, a few hours more were fine. But what was Rei supposed to say to him? Was he going to hate her? Hate Natsu? Dabi was unpredictable, and his reaction had her worried. Maybe she was better at the hospital, isolated from all of that, but she already left her son on his own once, and now she had the chance to at least say sorry.

An hour passed, and you could tell Dabi was asleep again because of the rhythm of his chest, rising and falling slowly. His mouth was slightly open and his traits looked more relaxed. You left a kiss on his cheek before getting up, making your way towards the kitchen. Rei was standing in front of the window with a blanket over her shoulders, but she looked at you when your footsteps were louder.

''Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt'' You said with a small smile.

''You didn't'' She replied, looking calmer than you expected ''Is Tou-''She cut herself ''Is he okay?''  

''Yes, he's sleeping right now. But tomorrow he'll be better, I think'' You smiled at her. It was hard to find the words, but just when you were about to say something, a male voice interrupted.

''Mother?'' Natsu asked, rubbing his eye with the side of his hand. ''Is everything ok?''

''Yeah, we were just speaking'' Rei said.

''Oh, I'm y/n by the way.'' You said looking at the two of them ''It is not the best way to meet but, here we are'' you shrugged your shoulders. ''I... I need to go to the village tomorrow to get some things, so... You can stay with him in the morning and, you know. I don't want to interrupt you'' you knew his story, and they had a lot to talk about.

''Maybe it is better if you're here. I haven't seen much but you're important to him, so probably he'll feel better if you're here''

The truth behind his words and Rei's agreement on Natsu's statement was that they were not sure what to do or how to act with him on their own.  When Dabi was having hallucinations earlier, he recognized you. Rei saw you and him laying together, and she heard that tiny piece of conversation that told her you were important to him, someone he cared about. After saying that you were going to try and arrive earlier tomorrow so you can be there once Dabi's was awake, you gave them a smile so you could return to the room you were sharing with Dabi.

You lay back down, and you could felt how he moved and held you by the waist, pressing his chest against your torso, forehead against forehead as his hand was on your nape, using his thumb to caress the zone.

''Dabi! You're hurt, lay how you were'' You said worried, not even moving.

''I've been worse. Now shut up and just stay here'' Dabi mumbled, his scent and breathing close so close to you making you feel at home.

''Fine, you whining kid'' you laughed and heard him let out a low chuckle ''Do you need anything before I fall asleep?'' You asked, moving your fingers on his chest.

''A can of beer, maybe. Or you going down on me. Maybe you going down on my as I drink beer, that shit would be nice'' He said with a smile, making you laugh again.

''I'm serious, Dabi. Water? something for the pain?'' You asked again.

''I'm fine, dollface. Just keep your ass here by my side and don't go''

''Guess I could do that''

''You better''

You knew it. The way he held you, his snarky comments to avoid an answer, his hand on your nape, and silence. He was not Ok, he needed you there because he didn't know how to handle things at that point. His mother and brother were there, he saw them for brief seconds but it felt weird. His hate was against Endeavor, even against Shoto, but his mom? She was just another victim, and Natsu? He was there to hear him, to be a kind of support for him, how could he give them the same treatment as Endeavor? Those questions were screaming inside his head, and as they were becoming louder, the tighter he was holding you against his body.

Time kept moving, and before any of you could notice,

Morning came.

...................................

Tag list: @mikasackrmann @babayaga67 @sociallyanxiousmouse @peculiarinsomniac @makeusfreefromthisfandom

[mydogisveryadorbs]

blue ain't your color | jj maybank

masterlist

summary: song fic based on blue ain’t your color by keith urban.

warnings: mentions of mentally and physically abusive relationships, underage drinking, mentions of drugs, angst, fluff, v soft jj

PSA: this is not in any way meant to idealize or romanticize abusive relationships. if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please get help. below are some resources and learning tools. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233

Love is Respect – National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1 (866) 331 – 9474

more hot lines and info: https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

learn more: https://www.thehotline.org/psa/

lyrics in bold

3.8k+ words

✰⋆✰⋆✰⋆✰

I can see you over there

Starring at your drink

Watchin' that ice sink

All alone tonight

You look down at your drink, moving the straw in a circular motion causing the ice to swirl around creating a small tornado.

Glancing at the time on your phone, you realize you've been waiting here for almost two hours. 

Your boyfriend was supposed to meet you at Topper’s party at 9. In the first thirty minutes, you weren't surprised. Liam, your kook boyfriend of 10 months, was late for almost everything, so this didn't come as a shock to you. 

When the one hour mark hit you were honestly quite worried. What if he was in an accident? What if he got jumped? Maybe your thoughts were most likely irrational, but you couldn't help but worry about your boyfriend.

One hour later, you had gotten past the worrying stage. Now you were simply angry, no, furious at him. Had he stood you up? Did he forget about you? These thoughts were definitely more rational. It wouldn't be the first time Liam stood you up, but you would make sure it was the last. 

At the beginning of your relationship, everything had been sunshine and butterflies. About two months in, however, he asked you to stop seeing your friends.

You see you were a born and raised pogue. Your dad was a close friend of Big John so you had practically grown up with John B, JJ, and Pope, in more recent years becoming close friends with Kiara.

At first, it was little things. Liam would get upset if you left to hang out with the pogues instead of him. Then one day, he asked you to stop seeing them all together. You, of course, retaliated, telling him that you would never leave your friends. But Liam had a way with words, and not a good way. He told you for months that your friends would never love you and that you were lucky that he had even taken pity on you. Slowly, you started to believe him. You stopped seeing the pogues, pushing everyone who truly loved you out of your life.

Liam became more and more distant as the months went on. He would leave you almost every night to drink and party, not even bothering to let you know where he was headed. The two of you had been fighting nonstop for several weeks. It had gotten physical only a few times and the next morning he would apologize profusely, so you stayed.

Seeing him walk in with two girls wrapped around his waist, nearly two and a half hours late, was the last straw for you.

Grabbing your purse, you walked up to Liam, who's eyes widened with the realization the moment he saw you.

“Fuck, (Y/N),” he says, slightly slurring his words as his arms still holding the two skinny blondes at his sides, “It's not what it looks like.” You can see his red-rimmed eyes and dilated pupils, telling you that he was coked out. 

You roll your eyes, knowing that this was it for you. “Really, Liam,” you snap back, “‘Cause it looks like we are done here.”

Liam’s eyes widen in shock, never having seen you lash out like this before. He shakes it off and his expression quickly contorts into one of disgust. “Okay,” he says with a shrug, “Good luck finding someone else to take pity on a whore like you, dirty pogue.” He walks away with the two girls, leaving you in shock.

It takes a moment for you to realize that you had just ended this almost one-year relationship. 

The first emotion you feel is one of freedom and relief. No more would you have to be held down by this weight of not being able to do and say what you want.

That feeling slowly dissipates as the feeling of dread starts to overcome it. You had pushed away all of your friends for this boy who had let you go like you were nothing to him. Maybe you were nothing.

You walk back to the bar area, grabbing another drink, feeling the need to drown away your sorrows.

And chances are

You're sittin' here in this bar

'Cause he ain't gonna treat you right

JJ Maybank hated kook parties with a passion.

Thankfully he hadn't had the opportunity to attend too many of them in his lifetime. But now that John B was macking on Sarah Cameron, it wasn't uncommon for the blonde boy to get dragged along to one of these events.

John B had left JJ to fend for himself as soon as they had arrived at the party, slipping off somewhere to find Sarah. JJ looked around the extravagant home that belonged to one of his enemies, Topper Thornton. His ring clad fingers fiddled with an expensive-looking vase, trying to find the perfect moment to snag it and slip away.

JJ’s eyes filtered through the crowd when they landed on something, or rather someone, that he had least expected to see.

His hand slipped from the vase, letting his gaze drink you in. You definitely looked different. Your once long hair was now cut just below your shoulders and your typical style of denim shorts and a cropped shirt was exchanged for a lavish-looking dress and sparkly stilettos.

JJ admits that he probably wouldn't have recognized you if he hadn't spent so many years unable to take his eyes off of you whenever the pogues were together.

The boy had loved his life long best friend since the day she clocked a boy in the face for making fun of JJ’s worn-out clothes. They were seven. In addition to being the day JJ had met (Y/N) and John B, it was also the day he fell in love with the (Y/E/C) eyed girl.

When you started dating your kook boyfriend at the beginning of your junior year, JJ was initially devastated. He soon brought himself to realize, however, that a lowlife like him would never be able to deserve someone as beautiful and kind-hearted as you. His thoughts were confirmed when you abruptly stopped hanging around the pogues and him. You were too good for him. The blonde boy had no idea of the pain that Liam had caused you in the past ten months.

Now looking at you, JJ could see that you were upset. He had gotten really good at analyzing your body language over the many years of being your best friend.

All thoughts of stealing the vase flew out of his mind as his feet started in your direction.

Well, it's probably not my place

But I'm gonna say it anyway

'Cause you look like

You haven't felt the fire

Had a little fun

Hadn't had a smile in a little while

You felt a figure move to sit in the bar stool chair next to you, but you choose to ignore whoever it is, not particularly feeling up to socializing with a contemptuous kook after what you just went through.

The figure didn't move after a few minutes so you turn to look at them with a glare in your eyes, ready to snap at them and ask them to leave you alone. Your gaze immediately softens as you realize the person next to you is in fact the last person you would ever expect to see at a party like this, JJ Maybank.

Tears begin to prick at your eyes as you continue to stare at the side profile of the blonde boy who hasn't yet turned to face you. 

Everything you had done so well to hide over the last ten years of knowing and loving him comes rushing back. Your love for the boy next to you consumes every fiber of your being. 

A lone tear falls down your cheek as you begin to curse yourself and Liam. How did I let him control me into giving this up? This feeling?

Blue looks good on the sky

Looks good on that neon buzzin' on the wall

But darling, it don't match your eyes

JJ finally turns his head to look at you and feels his entire resolve crumble. You were crying. The sight nearly breaks his heart in two.

His eyes lock with yours and he can see the pain and heartache swirling within them.

“What did he do to you,” JJ mutters, letting his eyes roam the crowd for the boy he despises most in the world. Almost a year of suppressed anger starts to bubble up to the surface.

“JJ,” you whimper.

The sadness and hopelessness in your voice makes every ounce of anger in him evaporate as he turns his head to look at you again. The look in your eyes tells him that the kook boy had hurt you worse than he ever knew.

JJ wants nothing more than to pull you into his arms and never let anything else in the world harm you. His hands itch to wipe the tears off your face and pull your head to his chest.

However, JJ also wants you to be as comfortable as possible and he's not sure if you're ready for the amount of love he has to give you just yet.

You surprise the blonde boy by reaching out to your arms out to him. The blonde wastes no time in standing up and pulling your body flush to his chest.

Everyone else in the world disappears as the two of you clutch each other with all you have. Both of you realize how much you had missed the comfort of each other's embrace. 

You're not sure how long you stand there like that, face nuzzled into JJ’s shoulder as the boy strokes your hair comfortingly.

“I'm sorry,” you mumble into his shirt, not willing to pull away from the warmth he radiates.

JJ’s eyebrows draw together in confusion as he pulls away enough to look down at you. “What do you mean,” he asks with a softness in his voice that is reserved for you only, gently lifting your chin so that you are looking into his beautiful cerulean eyes.

You sniffle. “I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for breaking down in front of you. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess. But most of all, I'm sorry for ever believing that I could live without you. I-I mean if it weren't for you I don't know what I would do. I understand if you don't want to talk to-” your ramble is suddenly cut off by JJ pressing his lips to yours.

The boy knows that this is probably not the best time to confess his feelings towards you, but he can't watch you talk down about yourself like that anymore. Do you not know how much he adores you? 

The kiss is soft and passionate. JJ can taste your salty tears on his slightly chapped lips as they work against yours. Both of you poor every ounce of emotion you have into the kiss. 

JJ reluctantly pulls away when the two of you run out of air, placing his forehead delicately on yours as your arms wrap around his neck.

I'm tellin' you

You don't need that guy

It's so black and white

He's stealin' your thunder

Baby, blue ain't your color

Both of you pant as you look into each other's eyes. “I've wanted to do that for so long,” JJ says, as the smile you cherish so much graces his features.

“Really?” you ask and JJ can hear the vulnerability in your voice. What did that shithead do to you to make you so insecure?

“You have no idea, baby,” he says, tenderly kissing away the tear that has slipped out of your eye and onto your cheek.

Not having the words to express how you feel about the boy in front of you, you pull his head back down, kissing him so sweetly that it makes his knees buckle.

“JJ,” you whisper as you pull away, but you never get to finish your statement because you are suddenly ripped out of his embrace.

“You fucking whore,” Liam seethes at you taking a stride towards you and you instinctively take a step back. “You break up with me and two minutes later you've moved onto another guy. Slut.” His words cut you deep and you know by the tone of his voice that a punch to the gut or a slap to the face is coming. Liam raises his hand and you brace yourself for impact, but it never comes.

The sound of yelling fills your senses and you open your eyes to see JJ punching Liam in the face repeatedly. You are frozen as you watch the scene in front of you.

“JJ,” you hear John B yell, turning to look at him, “You're gonna kill him.”

Your eyes widen in realization at his words and you take a step forward.

“JJ,” you call, but your voice is drowned out by the sound of everyone yelling around you. You clear your throat and try again, louder. “JJ.”

This time JJ stops mid punch, turning to look at you. Fear fills your body when you see that his wide, normally baby blue eyes are nearly black.

His gaze softens as he takes in your anxious look.

JJ steps away from the beat-up boy and you see a few of his friends pull Liam’s limp body away. You lock your eyes back to JJ’s and he takes a careful step towards you causing you to involuntarily flinch back slightly.

I'm not tryna

Be another just

Pick you up

Kinda guy

Tryna drink you up

Tryna take you home

He wants to cry out at the sight. Don't you know that he would rather die than ever hurt you? 

You do know this, and you're not afraid of the boy in the slightest, but the last five minutes have put you on edge.

Seeing the broken look in the blonde’s eyes, you take quick steps toward his body, wrapping him in your embrace. He melts into your arms, allowing his face to nuzzle into the crook of your neck.

The crowd that had formed around the fight disperses, realizing the show is over.

“(Y/N).” The sound of your name being called pulls your attention away from the sweet boy in your arms.

You pull away from JJ slightly, still keeping an arm around his bicep.

Looking over, you see John B standing to the side with Sarah Cameron. You had heard about the two of them getting together and you suddenly realize why JJ happened to be at this party.

The sadness in John B’s eyes as he looks at you breaks your heart. The two of you have been like sister and brother your whole lives and, besides JJ, he was the hardest for you to stop talking to.

You feel JJ’s grip on you loosen, urging you to go to John. The two of you walk towards each other and John B pulls you into his arms. 

“I missed you, (Y/N/N),” he says unto your hair, “So much.”

You smile, tears softly rolling down your cheeks. “I missed you too, JB,” you say, pulling away to look at JJ who looks back with a sad smile on his face.

But I just don't understand

How another man

Can take your sun

And turn it ice cold

The four of you decided it was best to leave. John B dropped Sarah off at her house and drove the three of you back to the Chateau. Your stomach drops at the sight of the small shack.

JJ notices your facial expression, placing his hand softly on top of yours. “You okay?” he asks gently as John B parks the van.

You nod with a small smile and JJ helps you out of the van, holding your hand as he leads you to the porch. You stop walking, causing the two boys to turn around and look at you.

“I'm sorry,” you say, tears pooling in your eyes again. JJ gives you a knowing look. “(Y/N),” he says, almost sternly.

“No,” you say, wiping your eyes, “Let me talk.” JJ nods and John B looks at you expectantly. “I left you. Both of you. I- Liam, he just made me feel so useless and I didn't want to be a bother to you guys anymore.”

JJ lets out a sound, almost like a growl, and pulls you into a hug. “You are not useless, (Y/N),” he says seriously, “You are so important, to both of us, and we missed you so much.”

You nod into his chest as John B comes to wrap his arms around both of you.

The three of you group hug and you sigh contently, happy to be back with your boys.

Well, I've had enough to drink

And it's makin'

Me think that I just might

Tell you if I were a painter I wouldn't change ya

I'd just paint you bright

John B helps JJ set up the pull out while you change into a pair of John B’s sweats and JJ’s t-shirt. John B says goodnight and goes to “hit the hay” as he puts it, leaving you and JJ alone again.

“I'll sleep on the other couch and you can take the bed,” he says sweetly, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head.

The two of you settle into your “beds”, but you can't seem to fall asleep with so many thoughts running through your mind.

Everything that has happened since you left the pogues seems like one big sad blur. Your mind wanders to JJ. What does this mean for you two? 

“(Y/N),” the voice you love so much calls. You hum in response. “You ‘wake?” he asks. You sit up in the pullout shaking your head.

“Can't sleep,” you say, rubbing your eyes. 

JJ sits up as well. “M’sorry, baby,” the nickname makes your heart flutter.

You open your arms for the boy who looks at you warily. “Are you sure, (Y/N),” he asks. You nod quickly and he stands up, falling into the pullout and wrapping you into his arms. He tucks your head under his chin, pulling you closer.

“JJ,” you ask.

It's his turn to hum in response. “This may be weird for you, but I feel like I just have to say it,” you tell him. JJ pulls back just enough to look into your eyes. He's worried about what you are going to say but tries to hide it for your sake. “I love you, J.”

JJ smiles, leaning down to nuzzle his nose with yours in an Eskimo kiss. “I love you too,” he says sincerely, but you're afraid he doesn't understand what you mean.

“No, J,” you say, looking away from his eyes, “I love you. Like, I'm in love with you.”

The blonde boy only smiles bigger. He leans down pressing a passionate kiss to your lips, pulling away when you run out of air. JJ trails sweet kisses down your jaw and neck before placing one last kiss on your lips.

“I'm in love with you too (Y/N),” he says kissing your forehead. JJ wonders how he went so long without being able to kiss you and hold you. Even after only confessing a few hours ago, it feels so natural to have you in his arms. The thought of not having you makes his heart ache. 

“I have to ask you something, but you can say no and it won't change anything and I understand that this is hard because of everything that just happened,” JJ rambles. You kiss his jaw softly, urging him to continue. “Will you be mine. Ya know. Like my girlfriend, or whatever.”

You smile wide. “Of course I'll be yours, J.”

JJ copies your smile leaning down to press another kiss to your lips.

He pulls away, snuggling into you, and the both of you bask in the feeling of being in each other's arms. Your hand reaches up to play with JJ’s hair as your eyes start to droop.

“Love ya, pretty girl.”

“Love you too, J.”

'Cause blue looks good on the sky

Looks good on that neon buzzin' on the wall

But darling, it don't match your eyes

You are sitting down on a beach towel, watching the sun slowly fall into the ocean, lighting the sky with a beautiful rainbow of colors. Your feet are outstretched in front of you and your hands prop you up behind your back. The Outer Banks heat is making your skin warm, but you don't mind, letting the steadily depleting sun hit your skin.

You watch as JJ catches another wave, surfing it perfectly. You giggle as he raises his hand in a fist, clapping for him. 

It's been two weeks since you finally ended things with Liam. You were able to mend things with the rest of the pogues and Kiara and Pope welcomed you back with open arms. Things with JJ have been going amazing. The two of you agreed to take things slowly seeing as you were just getting out of a toxic relationship. It was different to finally be in a place with JJ where you weren't afraid to show him and tell him how you feel, but you loved it.

JJ runs towards you, gripping his board in one hand as the other pushes back his blonde locks.

When he gets to your towel, JJ throws down his board and plops down next to you, pulling you into a sweet hug.

You giggle. “You're all wet, J,” you say, not making any move to get out of his warm embrace. The boy peppers your face with soft kisses causing you to giggle even more.

A few minutes later you are seated in between JJ’s legs and he has his strong arms wrapped around your waist, his head nuzzled in the crook of your neck.

“I love you, J,” you say, still watching the sunset.

“I love you too, pretty girl,” JJ says kissing your neck. He begins humming the tune to a song you recognize. 

“Blue ain't your color, umm mm,” he sings, “No, no baby, come here baby, let me light up your world.”

✰⋆✰⋆✰⋆✰

[tt205]

UNCONDITIONALLY

LAN XICHEN x READER

Summary: Your somewhat boyish behavior always bothered many , especially now whole of Gusu Lan Clan was pissed with you . Sharing feelings with Lan Xichen is something that brought you quite close this days . Will love be enough to cover up all of your 'flaws' ?

Requested? : YES by rozesdanze and I'm apologizing again for this late upload .

WARNINGS: minor cursing, low self esteem , slight bullying nothing that may trigger you too much .

Words count : 3.440

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

You always were a free spirited person , not caring much about what everyone gotta say and just minding your own business while offering a helping hand where it was needed .

It was your nature , something you couldn't change.

Sometimes people told you to be more "feminine " or "act like a girl of your age " your somewhat boyish behavior bothering them .

You didn't mind it at all .

You grew up with only male friends except for Jiang Yanli and that's why you have adopted this 'strange for a girl ' behavior .

Everything was fine until you entered The Gusu Lan Clan Sect's area in the Cloud Recesses.

Your not so much disciplined ways of living bothered Lan Qiren and the rest of the ladies , that were supposed to be studying there and not gossip around .

It firstly started as comments now and then " dress like a girl " " style your hair like a girl " " why are you not wearing your hairpins ?" And such .

You brushed off the first couple of weeks but when the whole student community started making fun of you , you couldn't take it any more .

Your pride was indeed hurt .

If Wei Wuxian wasn't there you would have left this hell of a place and return back in Yumeng Clan, your hometown.

He was supportive as always , reassuring you that everything was fine with you and that you didn't have to change yourself in order to be accepted by others .

Your own self is what makes you unique.

If someone doesn't likes your real self then they dont deserve being with you .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

You passed through the hallways trying to get in class when a group of so-good-for-nothing girls blocked your way .

A short girl two years older than you spoke first with this high pitched voice that make you want to slap her straight in the face "oh y/n I pity you so much .. how will you be able to find a good match in the future with such a poor manner set ? Tsts" she chuckled making your eyes go wide at her rudeness.

"I'm sure I will have more possibilities to find one than you .. I may not have the good manners you are claiming to have yourself but at least i am not rude with people i know nothing about " you answer her back bowing your head and trying to move through them .

"Move !" You ordered one of her side chicks Ling the stupid one .

" Oh my goodness.. this is not a way a lady should talk to another y/n " another one of her bitches talked.

You glared at her trying to push Ling to the side.

" why are you even talking to her Feng ? She cant even walk in a proper way yet not even get dressed up as a lady of her status she is a waste of time .. better let her become a puppet of her stupid friend the Yiling Patriarch-- "

"If you ever curse on Wei Wuxian in front of me I ll make sure to shut your mouth with my fist ! He is not making puppets to your information he is just controlling the Yin iron with skills you wish you could have ! Now move out of my sight !" You tell them totally pissed of .. you grab your sword case trying to put some sense in them but they dont seem to mind

" Stupid bitch no one will ever love you in this way ! Every one will pity your for being an unmarried pathetic bitch! In the end even your own family will abandon you - oh I forgot you've got none! " She curses at you and you feel like something is twisted to your core .

2 thing are what you hate the most 1. having people pitying you or telling you that they do and 2. People talking about your family .

That's it , before giving it a second thought you uncover your cased sword harshly .

You move it to your untied hair grabbing a fistful of them before moving the blade on them.

" 1st of all you are not even in the place to think about my family lowly peasant! Do you think that no one in here knows about your relationship with an already married man? " you ask her and she widens her eyes .

"secondly this is for you ! I'm a woman of my status and none my hair , clothing or manners can prove it otherwise! At least I'm not someone's slut!" You close your eyes before moving the blade in one sift motion and cutting half of your hair's length shortening it to shoulder's length.

"Now fuck off and don't dare to look at my direction again emptyheaded bitch!" You scream at her throwing all the hair on her face before making your way back to your room .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

3 hours have passed since the incident and no one has reached for you yet .

"Good" you thought, because reconsidering your action you've broken more that 6 of Gusu lan clan's rules and show disrespect to your rank status by cutting your hair .

Before realizing it you heard someone knocking on your door "shit" you cursed in your brain , moving to the doorframe and opening the door only to come face to face with the Clan-leader-to-be Lan Xichen.

You bowed your head , forcing a smile on as you rubbed your hands together to sooth your embarrassment, way too shy to look your 'crush' to the eyes .

"Greeetings Zewu Jun " you said moving aside and making room for him to enter .

"Lan Qiren asked me to bring you to him" he said the smile that always hugged his features non apparent anymore.

"Your uncle?" You asked wishing to get a 'no' as an answer..

"Unfortunately yes !" He said looking down the floor .

After putting on your cloaks , you both made your way out of your room and moved to Lan Qiren's residence.

After a really long chat with him you were free to go NOT REALLY .

He asked Xichen to take you himself to the library in order to make 1.500 copies of the latest book he bought this year.

You sighed again in the thought of the pain your arm will have after finishing this task , only to earn one of Xichen's concerned glances .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

As soon as seating down to your used by many times spot , you grabbed the pen and deeped it into the new-cut ink .

5 hours passed since you first started copying books and despite having nothing actually to do xichen seemed rather occupied.

You gave him a questionable look as you leaned your head in your hands looking to his place .

"You knew that this was going to put you in trouble y/n , why doing such a thing just to prove them wrong?" You raised your head upon hearing this words leaving Xichen's mouth , not formality in them , just casual talking.

" they have been getting on my nerves for more than 2 months I couldn't bear it -" you tried to explain yourself but he interrupted you

" You could have just come to me right from the beginning!" He looked pissed and you sifted in you seat shivering from the tone in his voice .

This man surely had some nerve in him, being more than a head taller than you was something that from the very start make it clear that you could better not get in any trouble with him .

Seeing his genuine and kind nature made you loose down your walls , allowing your heart to form feelings for him and now you are here unable to form a single word without stuttering in between.

" Y/n ? Cant you see it ?" He asked and you gave him a confused face in defense .

"What do you mean-?"

" I - i do care about you y/n , watching the others making your life a living hell including my uncle drives me crazy ! I tried so many times to show you how i feel about you just to give you a shelter, a safe place but you are not getting it " he sighed to himself clearly frustrated.

He removed a strand of hair out of his face looking to your not so calm face that was by now painted in a really deep shade of read .

Being the lil tease he secretly is , he wanted to get you even more freaked out by little .

He looked into your eyes with this calm face of his while saying " I love you y/n " and then returning to his desk and grabbing back his pen .

" I love you too " you said loud enough to even have the bunnies hear too outside , the silence inside the room making an echo to your voice .

In quick realization you moved your palm to your mouth clapping it fast and shutting down the curses about your stupidity that were ready to spill out .

" What ?" He asked in a teasing tone lifting his body higher and then sitting up completely moving to your place until he was studying right in front of you hovering some heads above you and then repeating then same question calmly.

This drove you crazy .

" How can a person be so calm in a situation like that ? " you screamed out loud mostly to yourself before reaching in front you and pinching the skin of his lower thigh .

You looked up to his face as he let out a high peached scream of pain "Lan Xichen you are driving me insane!"

You pinched him again with both hands now only to have him beg to be left in peace "Please y/n don't do this ! " he half laughed half screamed for the poor skin of his legs before reaching down and grabbing both your wrists once you didn't stop after his begs.

You squirmed in his grip before he moved both wrists to his lips , kissing the skin there and putting them back down the surface of your desk .

Your mouth was hanging open , such a big skin contact all of sudden leaving you shooked.

" I have done 14 copies of the book you are copying.. I'm taking a break for now but I'm returning back in 15 minutes straight! You continue your work little girl " he said before blinking his eye to you and moving out of the library .

"Excuse me ?! " you screamed as loud as you could looking both to your wrists and his distant form .

"This man is gonna drive me crazy sooner than I thought " you told yourself before returning to your work .

•---------•---------••---------•---------••---------•---------•

It's been 4 days since you started dealing with your punishment and you already have 276 copies ready to go but way more many on the way .

Today is a special day for Gusu lan Clan and it's students so it's the perfect opportunity for you to take a break tonight.

Gusu Lan Clan's biggest has come and you are now getting ready to attention the lantern festival with Wei Wuxian been apart for so many days making you miss him to death .

A sudden knock on the door made you jump on your spot .

Waiting for Wuxian you opened without asking for the person outside.

To your huge surprise there was not Wei Wuxian but Lan Xichen .

" I'm allowed to go in the festival today ! I asked your uncle this morning! You cannot keep me here- " you rushed to say to afraid of loosing your only chance out .

" I'm here to take you out myself so that you can return to the library straight after the ceremony finishes , my uncle has no intention searching for you so he sent me to make sure that there will be no way for you to sneak out " he said calmly giving you a teasing smile .

You looked around searching for Wei Wuxian but there you found him next to Lan Wangji holding a paper lantern together.

You giggled at the view of Wuxian's flashed cheeks when his hand touched Wangji's accidentally.

The moment when all of the lighting lanterns had to fly to the sky arrived so you moved to catch the one in front of you but regretted it at the sight of Xichen doing the same .

You felt shy at your silly mistake don't understanding that the lantern wasn't for you but for him and you bowed in discomfort cursing to yourself for making you look even more stupid to him .. your fucking crush .

" I think this is for the both of us y/n " he told you taking your hands in his making you catch some part of the paper .

" Every one can make a wish as their lantern will make their way up ! I'm sure that each and every wish of yours will be fulfilled in the near future and luck will always saw a good face to you and your loved ones ! This year was one of educational progress, health and wisdom. I hope that all of you will follow the path we Gusu Lan Clan taught you about , a path of righteousness, fairness and virtue. Now I'll count up to 5 so all of you will have to prepare your lanterns! " Lan Qiren announced making you look around for some fire to put in the light .

"One" he started

"Two" the lantern was ready to go so you thought about making a wish

" I wish y/n would give me a chance to prove my sincere feelings for her while living and following the path of the good , avoiding the sinful road and having zero regrets. " the man next to you whispered mostly to himself with closed eyes as he hold onto your lantern tightly.

Your eyes blinked twice the having the man you wish to call yours one day admitting his feelings again .

" I wish I'll become a woman of my status so I can let myself be loved by the man I love without minding if I'll ruin his reputation with my inappropriate image " you whispered to both to him and to yourself, admitting how you really felt with this complicated situation .

You didn't want to change yourself, no not at all, but you just hopped the time could change you into what you could call ideal woman , wife , without feeling much pain in the progress.

It was true , him loving you would ruin his and the Gusu Lan Clan's reputation .

The future Clan Leader having feelings for a punk?

A girl with no manners?

Without a family and depending only on Yumeng Sect and her uncle ?

Sometimes you wished you were different, somewhat like your cousin Yanli but no , in the end you wouldn't be you , you would be someone fake .

You would be someone even more miserable.

You are clearly confused by now .

Shall I change and become what the world around me wants to or be myself and let them talk shit without minding a bit ?

The 1st one is the easy way , but the 2nd one is what will make you struggle but be you at the very last .

"Three " Lan Qiren spoke as you tried to regain your composure and focus .

"Four " all of the disciplines lifted their lanterns up readying them once more .

"Y/n would you like to be the person I call home from now on ?" Xichen asked you .

"I can't-"

" Yes you can ! If there is love in between everything can be worked out !" He cut you

" Is there any love from your side y/n ?" He asked you and you didn't want a second more to know the answer

"Yes there is "

" See ? There is no reason you can't let me love you , call you mine , make you the person I want to return after the storm . I want to be the person you need , you love , I want to be your everything, would you allow me to do that ? "

" Don't you mind I'm who I am ? "

"Five! Let them go and fly high " Lan Qiren called and you did as you were told

"No , I don't . I love you for who you really are y/n not for who I want you to be " Xichen said making you look down the floor to afraid to be loved but at the same time loose who you really love .

"I really like you , no I can say that I love you , everything you do . And all I want is to protect and take you home with me .

Will you come and live in Gusu with me ?

I wanna be with you forever and even though it's really early to say would you like to marry me one day ?

I'm sure that even though you are not my uncle's favorite person out there he will accept the fact that we want to be together.

We can call your uncle to come and set a marriage for us in the years to follow .

I will give you as much time as you feel like taking but I want to make my feelings clear to you from the very beginning.

Would you like to marry me and be the next Gusu Lan Clan's Leader wife ? " he asked always to rushed as his cheeks took a red color painting his pale skin .

"Yes I would love to ! Even if i could marry every man on earth you would be my one and only choice in every lifetime and every dimension I could live , I would choose you again"

You answer him with a little smile in the end as both of you hugged gaining glares from all the people around you .

" Does this mean that we are official?" He asked

"I guess so " you told his hiding you face in his strong torso .

" FELLOW HUMANS IM GETTING MARRIED TO MY BELOVED Y/N I WISH YOU ALL CAN MAKE IT TO OUR MARRIAGE IN THE NEAR FUTURE !" He screamed making you punch him lightly in his lower abdomen as he fake screamed in pain .

" That means that we will be siblings by law y/n?" Wuxian asked while jumping his way to your derection happily

" What do you mean A-Xian?" You asked confused .

" We are getting married too brother !" Lan Wangji said as both yours and Xichen's jaw dropped open .

" Congratulations!" Both of you screamed out loud as you went hugging them .

The four of you hugged while jumping together but then there he came Jiang Cheng.

" That means I'm the only single bird rn? Thanks guys thanks!" He said while glaring at you four .

" No you are not sweetheart!" Nie Huaisang appeared giving Cheng a misiviews smile before hiding his now flashed cheeks behind his fan .

" BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME THAT I'M THAT DESPERATE! I BETTER BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY WEN QING AGAIN RATHER THAN DATING YOU ! " Jiang Cheng screamed in Huiesung's face before storming away in order to search for his short tempered other half Wen Qing .

" There we go again " Wuxian said

" Yes there we go again " you added and the four of you started laughing until tears formed in your eyes and too little oxygen was making it's way into your lungs.

This is the best feeling.

Be with people that you love and love you ,

Without loosing faith in you ,

Without wanting to make you someone else ,

Without wanting to control you

People that love you unconditionally.

————————————————————————————

Please follow & like for more content!

Stay happy & healthy ♡

Be yourself + love yourself.

Hope you enjoyed reading

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: swearing, mild smuttiness

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 9 Part 11

Part 10

We eventually got up. We showered and dressed. I fed Perrin, and we ate breakfast. I asked Liam what his plans were for the day.

"Not much. I thought I would stay with you until you kick me out." He winked. "What are your plans?"

"Well, I have to kick this guy out..." I said with mock agitation. Liam feigned a look of hurt. "Not much until tonight. I'm going to Dave's house for dinner. I'll see my nephews and niece, which will be good. My Mum too, I suppose."

"Dave's your brother, right?" I nodded. "You haven't told me much about your mother. I think this is the first time you've mentioned her."

"We don't always get along. Mum's mellowed as she's gotten older, but she was a bit of a tyrant when I was growing up. She didn't like Andy. Well, she didn't like any of my boyfriends. She always judged them based on their jobs like she wanted me to end up with a doctor or lawyer or something like that. It's like she thought she'd wasted her money sending me to a private school because I found myself attracted to tradies."

"What's a tradie?

"A tradesman."

"Gotcha."

I laughed at a memory. "I used to tell my friends that if a guys hands weren't calloused enough to cause a run in my stockings, then he has no business touching my legs."

Liam burst out laughing. "Are you serious?"

"What can I say? I like a man who is good with his hands." I shrugged before continuing, "anyway, that's one reason why my mum and I didn't get along."

"What about your Dad?"

"He passed away three years ago."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything for a while. I played with the crusts of my toast, breaking it into little crumbs. I think Liam sensed my mood and changed the subject. "You went to a private school?"

"Yeah," I said. "An all-girls, Catholic one at that."

"Well, that explains a lot." Liam quipped, his tone very serious, but his twitchy lip gave him away.

I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I hate you."

Liam ignored me and cupped my face with his hands. "Kiss me." He ordered. And I did.

We spent most of the morning sitting together and talking. We spoke about the books we were reading. We found that we had similar taste in books when we talked before we met. Liam had recommended a book to me, and I had finished it a few days ago. I showed him my bookshelves, and we compared which ones we had read. He asked to borrow a couple.

Later we just sat on the lounge. We talked, held hands, cuddled, kissed, had coffee, and then some tea. We took turns patting Perrin, who had taken to Liam really well.

It got close to lunchtime, and it seemed like we were both trying to work out a way to avoid the inevitable parting. Neither of us had brought it up since breakfast. Eventually, Liam asked, "when can I see you again?"

Liam was sitting up, and I was laying on my back with my head in his lap. Liam was stroking my hair, sometimes taking a curl and twisting it around his finger. I smiled when I saw him do that since I had done the same to him earlier.

"As soon as possible," I replied. "I'm going to miss your pretty face." I reached up and patted his cheek patronisingly.

He gave me a small smile but didn't say anything. Then his god damned lip twitched.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. "I can tell when your lip twitches that you're thinking something naughty or you know something I don't know."

"My mother tells me the same thing." His lips stretched into a full grin, revealing his Hollywood white teeth.

"Well, I'm not your bloody mother, so tell me."

"I was just thinking about all the parts of you that I'm going to miss."

"You're very cheeky."

"Unfortunately for you, my mother tells me that too."

"You're a fuck knuckle," I said, smirking. "I'll bet your mother doesn't tell you that."

Liam's eyes went wide. "Bloody hell, Sweetheart. Anyone would think you didn't like me." He was smiling though.

"It's because I like you that I insult you. I'm very polite to people I don't like." I said, putting a sickly sweet smile on my face and batted my eyelashes at him.

"You're lucky you're cute." Liam leaned down and kissed me. "You haven't answered my question. When can I see you again?"

"Well, we both work all week. I guess that means we will have to wait until Friday night."

"Do you want to come to my place on Friday after work? Spend the weekend with me?"

"Ok. I'll ask Dave when I see him tonight if he will have Perrin for me. But it shouldn't be an issue."

Liam's face was unreadable for a moment. Then he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'm already looking forward to it." He sat back and said, "well, I suppose I had better call an Uber."

I sat up and waited for Liam to book his ride. When he had finished, I said, "Call me tomorrow night. After work?"

Liam nodded. He scooped me up and sat me on his lap. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. You won't get rid of me easily." He smiled and caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Now, kiss me."

I threw my hands around his neck and kissed him hard.

Liam kissed me back, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he crushed my body into his. Our kisses became ardent, and I squirmed on his lap. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever.

I wanted him again now, and I cursed myself for letting him call for an Uber. I felt like he was part of my life like I had already given let him into my heart when I let him in this house. This sacred place. Mine and Andy's place. It seemed as though he had just blended into my life and any thoughts of the future now included him.

But I also knew enough to hold back, to remember I didn't really know him. The weekend wasn't real life. It was an illusion. It wasn't the daily grind of work, come home, sleep, do it all again. To make it worse, Liam's life wasn't normal. Would I adjust? Could I adjust? Did I even want to try?

I knew I did want to try, at least. Liam seemed worth it. Worth the risk of another broken heart, another love snatched from my grasp. If I didn't try with Liam, then who would I try with? And if I never tried, then love would be gone from my life forever.

Liam pulled away. "I had better go now, or I think I'll never leave." We got up just as his phone alerted him the driver was less than a minute away. He grabbed his bag, and I walked him to the door, and he followed behind me up the hallway.

We got to the door, and before I could open it, he turned me around and pinned me to it with his whole body. His forehead pushed against mine. He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He ground his body against me. "Lana," he breathed. "Lana, I..." He stopped talking, kissed me again softly then pulled away.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Liam to stop. "I'll call you tonight," I said despite our plans to call tomorrow night. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I opened the door for him.

As he walked out the door, Liam put his hand on the back of my head. He brought me to his face, and he kissed the top of my head. "As you wish." He winked and pulled the door closed behind him.

The rest of my day felt lonely. I moped around for a bit. I threw Perrin the ball for a while. He was too old these days for more than a few runs, but he still loved it. I did some washing, cleaned my bathroom and put my Ben and Jerry's tub in the bin. I painted my nails.

When the afternoon wound down, I called Riza.

"Hey, Slut!" She said when she picked up.

"Piss off," I said back.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Well, did you fuck him?" I shook my head. If Liam thought I was direct, he should talk to Riza. I didn't say anything. She knew me well enough to know what the answer was by my silence. "'Bout fucking time." She said, and I laughed. "So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do for work? Where does he live? Boxers or briefs?"

"Uh, his name is Liam. Liam Cross."

"Like the actor? Man, that's weird. I knew a girl once whose name was Indiana Jones. I couldn't do it cause I kept thinking about Harrison Ford."

"No, Riz. Not like the actor, he is the actor."

Stunned silence. Then, "you're shitting me."

"Serious as a heart attack."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know who he was," I told Riza about the Will/Liam thing.

"You're really not joking. Send me a pic."

"I didn't take any."

I swear I could hear Riza roll her eyes. "Of course, you didn't. You never do!" Then she shouted, "Hey Jen! Lana..."

"Riza! No, no, no!" I shouted.

"Fucked Liam Cross," she finished.

I hung my head. Fuck. I could trust Riza, but Jen, I wasn't sure of. She spent all day on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't know if she could keep quiet.

"You there, Lansey?" I heard Jen talking in the background. "Hang on a sec, what's that, babe?" More Jen talking. "Oh shit, you looked good on Friday night Lans, no wonder you got fucked."

"How do you know what I wore Friday night?"

"Jen found pics."

"That quickly?"

"Yeah, they're everywhere. Some of you guys at a shop too. Hey, that's the shop near Mike the Butcher, right?"

This was news to me. I knew they took pictures, but I didn't think they were posted. I should have though. Why wouldn't they be? "Fuck."

"Did you just meet him? On Friday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's this one picture of you two, and he's touching your cheek. You two look like you're in love," she teased, making love sound like llllooooouuuuv. "Ha! There's Perrin!"

"Is my name mentioned? Do they know who I am?"

"Doesn't look like it. You two look perfect together."

"Tell Jen not to say anything. Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, no worries."

She kept talking, but I'd had enough. "I've gotta get going," I said.

"Lans, you ok?" She knows me too bloody well.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and took some deep breaths. "It's a lot to take in, you know. He's bloody famous, it's like, I don't want that shit in my life."

"Is he worth it?"

"I think so. I mean, he's a sweet, kinda daggy guy who happens to be built like Hercules and sexy as fuck. What's not to like?"

"I always thought he was gay."

Before I could stop myself, I said, "He's definitely not gay. I'd never believe a gay guy could growl a girl out like he does." I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Riza yelled, "yas girl! You got a keeper!"

I laughed. "Fucking hell. Alright, Riz, I've really got to go. Say hi to Jen. Don't say anything!" Riz agreed, and we hung up.

Dinner at Dave and Lucy's was mostly uneventful. I jumped with the kids on the trampoline and played some wrestling on the PlayStation. My mum wasn't too much of a bitch. I forgot about the pictures and didn't think about Liam for a while. I needed that. I felt like the weekend was such a whirlwind and so much happened I needed some time to get back to normality, something familiar.

After dinner, Mum went home, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I got on the lounge with the two older ones, Charlie and Harry and went through Netflix. Lucy had taken Lilly to bed. I saw Liam's face in one of the movies thumbnails, and I groaned. It was the one where he was a superhero. It was nearly ten years old. Though it didn't seem possible, he was even more handsome now. I quickly flicked past it.

"No, Aunty Lanny, I want to watch that one," Harry said.

"Isn't it too scary?"

Dave called out from the kitchen, "it's their new favourite. They've been watching it all week."

"Then we can watch something else," I said.

Both boys protested. I half relented. "Have you seen the sequel?" It had much less screen time for Liam since he had teamed up with a couple of other superheroes in that one.

"There's a sequel?" Charlie was excited.

So we watched the sequel. I'd seen it before, but it was weird watching it now. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Although it was obvious that Liam was the actor, it was surprisingly easy to forget him and believe he was really the character.

He looked different to the Liam I knew. His hair was lighter, he was clean-shaven, and even the way he held his face was different. The way he moved and mannerisms weren't Liam's either. His voice was different too. The most apparent change there was the accent. Those harsh American tones seemed so strange after hearing his soft Queens English ones. Although, scenes with his shirt off still made me think of Liam.

After the movie I said goodbye to the kids, and they went to bed. I asked Dave if he would watch Perrin next weekend. I tried to sound casual about it, but Dave knew me better than that.

"Girls weekend?" He asked. I tried to say yeah, but I blushed, and he knew it wasn't a girls weekend.

Dave was eight years older than me, the same as Liam. I adored Dave. I remember following him around as a kid, wanting to do everything he did. As we got older, I watched the same movies he did, read the same books he did and listened to the same music, which is probably why I prefer 90s music to 2000s music.

He was sweet about it for the most part. He even got me alcohol a few times when I was 17 and took me to the pub with his mates when I was 18. He was protective though. Not one of his mates was allowed to touch me. It had made me mad at the time, especially when I had the hots for his best mate Chris since I was 12. So when he worked out that I was probably going to be spending the weekend with a guy, I expected him to freak out. He didn't.

"Is he a good bloke?" Dave asked. "Treating you well?"

"Yeah, he is." I couldn't help but smile.

Dave grunted, "I can tell by the look on your face, you are smitten. Alright then, Perrin can stay."

"Thanks, Dave. Don't tell mum."

"Yeah, Nah. I'm not stupid."

I went home and got ready for bed straight away. I was mentally exhausted, but I still called Liam. Not only because I said I would. I did miss him in my bed already. I felt lonely again. Of all the things about being married I missed, sleeping with somebody else in the bed was high on the list.

When I went to call, I was confused for a minute because I couldn't find his number. Then I remembered he was in my contacts as Will. I changed the name and called him. I hoped I wasn't calling too late.

"Hello, Sweetheart." Liam's voice sent a ripple of excitement through me.

"Hey," I said. "How was the rest of your day?"

"Good. Do you want to FaceTime?"

"I'm in bed."

"Me too." He said, and I heard the ring of FaceTime come through the phone.

I answered. Liam's face appeared. So did his naked shoulders. Sweet Jesus, he couldn't fit in the frame.

"Much better," he said, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Ok, I just hung around at home then saw the fam. Dave said he would have Perrin next weekend," I got flustered thinking about it. I cleared my throat. "So yeah, that's sorted."

"Excellent. I'm really looking forward to it. How was the family? Was your mum ok?"

"Yeah, she was good. The kids are fans of yours, by the way."

He gave a short laugh at this. "Really? Did you tell your family about me?"

I said I didn't and told him about the kids and the movie. "They loved it. I liked it too." I told him about how it was strange to watch him act after actually knowing him, and for a lot of the time, I had forgotten it was him. I just believed the character and enjoyed the story.

"Thank you." Liam seemed genuinely pleased. "That is the aim of what I do."

"I did tell Riza about you. Her wife, Jen, found pictures of us almost immediately."

"Did you see the ones from yesterday?"

"She told me about them, but I've not seen them."

"You ok?"

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I asked them not to say anything about us."

Liam changed the subject and showed me he had started one of the books he had borrowed. Once again, I was grateful that he seemed to know my mood and not push me.

We talked for about ten minutes before I started yawning.

"I better let you go. You're tired, Sweetheart."

"Yeah," I said as a yawn overtook me. "I think you're right." I blinked several times, my eyes watering from the yawns. "Call me tomorrow night?"

"I definitely will. Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Liam." I fell straight asleep.

Part 11

[mademoiselless]

[2/10]

"Hear her every thought, see her every dream."

Literature is that one subject you hated, you find it kind of boring that it makes you sleep most of the time in between discussions and lectures. You were annoyed to the fact that you won't be getting your degree if you dare to skip it on a semester. Apparently, you've never really imagine yourself having a fullblown distaste to that certain subject, not when an annoying, weird guy suddenly pops out of nowhere, asking you to be your partner.

"And what makes you think I'll let you be my pair?" You eyed his side curiously.

"Hmm..let me think," Jaehyun pretends to think hard, stroking his invisible beard under his chin discerning his deep dimples. "There are approximately thirty-two students inside this room which makes sixteen pairs, you see here, all thirty of them finally found their respective partners." He explains as a matter of fact.

"And?" You pressed raising him a doubtful brow.

"And... Only thirty students have been paired except for the remaining two.. hmm basic math I guess, which -"

"Doesn't make sense?" You offered, smirking a bit when you heard him snorted on his stupid reasoning. Truth to be told, there are thirty two students attending the class, twenty of them were girls which means half of the class were basically dreaming and fighting to be paired with him. The last fifteen minutes of the class were wasted with Jaehyun still pestering you to join him for the stupid research paper that you've been silently cursing, plus the annoying sound of his metal chair screeching against the marbled floor when he attempts to sneak near you ain't helping.

"Children, dont forget to pass your research work next week!" The middle-aged proffesor yells. "Get yourselves busy with the papers not with foils. Education before procreation. " she adds tilting her glasses down as she winks. Everyone laughs aloud but you didn't miss to hear the prick beside you snicker, probably finding the innuendo very relatable.

"Listen here Jung." You started, turning towards him as you stood with your notes and binder clutched againts your chest. "I really find you being really weird these days. Honestly, it's making me uncomfortable. " You tried so hard not to sound rude as much as possible but still with a hint of seriousness on your tone. "If you're planning to pull those damn tricks on me, please don't. I'm not one of them." Well, that stings a bit. He went slightly agape when you glanced up at him like he's going to speak but no words were coming out. "Please leave me alone." With that, you left the room earning curious and envy glares from random girls along the hall.

And that's how you basically tell someone to fuck off, short and nicely.

It was already 2 a. m and he can't find himself to sleep. He spent the whole day on classes and went home at ten from basketball practice, his body was dead tired but he couldn't help him self but to fidget and roll over the duvet, again and again. When he tossed to his side, that's when he finally discovered that thing on his night stand called phone were he could browse hundred of girls' numbers to call whenever he needs them, just like his old routine. He plops on his stomach, grinning from the idea and started to scan his cell, roughly running his thumb all over some random names that can distract him only to halt when he finally reached the bottom of his contacts, staring on it blankly and he's still thinking about you.

So many things were running in his head, first, his hurted ego. Not even once he received a rejection especially from a woman. Second, never in his entire life he become this so annoyed to his own surname. "Why does she even call me Jung when I have a first name?" he asked exasperately as his stirs in bed. why Jung off all the names? Third, why you? When there's so many other girls in the line waiting, ready to throw themselves at him. And fourth, what the hell is wrong with him? To answer his question, he doesn't know either. You were a sudden change to his life. There's something in you that's very unlikely that he didn't notice his strange interest will develop this far. That night, Jaehyun didn't sleep.

The weekend and Jaehyun's dilemma drifted fast at the same time. He woke up and get himself ready to college on a Monday morning with all his guts and charm. He seems like he got this renewed energy, but not really, the truth is he's just really stubborn, persistent. Right, speaking of being stubborn, the young lad cannot and will not admit of being one. He says it was out of his character and context. Competitive, that's what he is as for him and nobody can convince him otherwise.

Jaehyun arrives at the hall a little earlier than usual for that certain subject you two shared and had a quick scan for your familiar face but sadly found your chair empty. He sat down, this time near at your usual spot. The lecture already started, he checks the time and about fifteen minutes has already passed but you were still nowhere in sight, Jaehyun started to think.

The class ended lately due to some lessons that your prof decided to cram. He was the last one to exit the room when someone patted him in the shoulder, startling him. "Jae, cmon practice is about to start." One of his teammates call. Suddenly, he recalls you basically telling him to get out of your sight which made him cringe inwardly making him question himself more why you're still running in his head not mention that lowkey insult that you spew which is most likely true, but damn it wounded his manwhore image. "That girl is something." He mumbles to himself. Jaehyun isn't saying his worried, but he really is.

"She's not joining the summer tournament." Jaehyun faintly hears as he walks along the side of the court from the lockers, already on his basketball jersey. He was about to take another long stride when he caught your name being mentioned gaining his full attention. "Heard she's dropping out of varsity. I don't know." He silently evesdrops on the corner pretending to play on his phone. "But she's one of the aces, Tine. We can't lose her." The other girl sighed deeply.

For a long time, Jaehyun didn't felt any sense of care and overwrought to somebody else, he was a selfish, happy-go-lucky guy after all, but on that brief period he felt something break, drop and quiver inside him. He can not really decipher the feeling of it, it was warm and at the same time, it burns deep down. Of course the unloving jerk was still oblivious, but on that moment, for the very first time, Jung Jaehyun's heart started to beat.

<< [0/10] [1/10]

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[kittenshift-17]

Hey Kitten! I was wondering if you're majoring in writing? I'm a high school student who's applying to college right now and am also really interested in writing (potentially to the point of considering it as a career), and was wondering if you had any tips ^^

Goodness.... How do I answer this without sounding terribly cynical and crushing your hopes and dreams and ideals about the world?

I’m actually already finished studying, myself. I graduated with a BA majoring in Writing and Publishing 3 years ago. And without blowing holes in all of your plans, I’ve got to be honest as I tell you about how useful I’ve found my degree.... which is to say that it was completely useless and a waste of money. 

Maybe it’s my country’s outlook, but having a BA isn’t really the big deal it used to be and everyone I know who got an Art Degree basically wasted their money. I mean, those in productive arts and theatre and such find them handy due to the practical classes, but a writing degree is..... Well, it’s a lot like high school English/Literature classes. You get given texts and articles and asked to dissect them and write essays about them. It’s.... god, it’s boring. The books are about as interesting in college as there were in high school and the teachers aren’t that much more competent on the grasp of what they want in the essay, and tend to have a biased and ridiculous analysis of the stories. Sometimes the author writes the curtains as being blue just because we like blue, not because the character is depressed, ya know?

When you say you want to consider writing for a career, I assume you mean that you’d like to be an author, and if so then my advice to you would definitely be to forget about majoring in writing for a university level degree. They don’t teach you how to write in those classes. They teach you how to draft essays, and unless you want to take after George Orwell, you don’t want an essay style of writing if you’ve aspirations to be an author. 

If, on the other hand, you mean you want to look at writing as a career option for other fields than fiction or non-fiction writing, then it can definitely be useful. If you wanted to get into writing as someone who drafts up those silly example stories you see in school textbooks (you know the ones, where Sally has five apples and sells Billy three before turning purple) then they come in handy because the classes teach your how to dissect such a story for meaning and the language tool you’re focusing on, and you work backwards (which is why those things rarely makes sense).

The point is, college is expensive. And so you have to weight the options of how much you’ll get out of a degree against how much money goes into paying for it and how much real-world use it will be to you once you’ve graduated. 

Me? I have a Bachelor of Media and Communication, majoring in Writing and Publishing. 

Do you know what I use it for?  Nothing. I don’t use my degree at all. I work as an Administration Manager for a Commercial Laundry and spend my days inputting data and trading polite, yet curt emails with clients regarding their linen hire. The only useful part of my degree is my grasp on the English language that allows me to very professionally tell someone to go fuck themselves without once cursing, or even crossing the line into being rude.

Look, of everyone I know who went to college that got a BA, do you know which ones are doing well? The ones who did a double major, one is business, law, or science, and the other in languages. Seriously, if you can major in languages, do it. Pick a core language and study it like your life depends on it. Two of my friends who studied language (both of them studied Mandarin) now have some super cool jobs. One is a high level special intelligence officer for the military. The other is a financial advisor for a Chinese conglomerate and, I believe, is currently living the high life in China. 

Everyone else I know who got an Art degree, either in writing, music, communication, advertising, history, social studies or anything else pretty much had to go back to uni after they graduated, do a Diploma in education, and use their skills to become school teachers. Seriously, all of them. I know talented musicians, talented writers, history-buffs, and more, and they’re all teachers now. Teachers, or doing what I’m doing and wasting their degree by working in a job where the degree has no meaning beyond showing an ability to commit to something for 3 years. 

At the risk of sounding condescending, and potentially confusing you all the more when you’re already at a place where all of life’s big decisions seem laid at your door, I’m going to give you a list of the things I wish I’d known when I was in high school.

TIPS:

1. Be single. Seriously, if you’re currently in a relationship, I urge you to end it. I don’t care how in love you think you are, or how painful the idea of breaking up might be, you WILL regret being in a relationship when you’re in college. And I don’t just mean because you’ll be meeting new people and could be bouncing into bed with some sexy stranger(s). There are so many things that I didn’t do in college because I was too busy trying to make things work with my boyfriend (whom I dated for 6 years before we broke up, by the way). I mean, I missed out on a bunch of college events because instead of being on campus, I was driving home to my small-town to see him. I missed out on so many life experiences, ranging from skinny dipping with strangers, to wild parties, to experiencing life WITHOUT worrying about someone else and how they would react to my actions. I cannot tell you how much I regret not just ending things with him and figuring out who the hell I was because I was too busy focusing on who WE were. 

2. If you’re going to study something, pick something that will give you practical experience, not just theoretical experience. Pick something that will give you life experiences. Study a language - hell, spend a semester abroad if you can. Study something that has a real-world use. If I could go back to being in high school, do you know what I’d do rather than studying a BA? I’d become a Veterinarian. Or a doctor. Or maybe a scientist of some kind. Hell, I might even forgo college and get an apprenticeship as an electrician or a hairdresser, or maybe even a builder. I reckon I’d have made a kick ass engineer, actually.

3. Push yourself. Don’t rest on your laurels and coast through the course. Go to every class. If you go, and you consistently find it boring, or awful, then you’re probably in the wrong course and should drop it for something else. I mean it. I have a BA. I spent 3 years studying it. Do you know how much actual course-work I engaged with? Roughly 50 hours worth. Total. I never went to class. I holed up in my dorm writing fanfic whenever I wasn’t partying, hungover, or feasting. I literally went to about 5 classes throughout my final year, despite having been enrolled in courses that asked for 10 hours a week minimum face-time in the classroom and living on campus. And I still graduated. It was way too easy and I wish I could go back and pick a different course - one that would make me WANT to go to class every day.

4. Recognize the fact that, no matter how it seems like you’ve got to figure everything out RIGHT NOW, you really don’t. Be decisive, and if you have a career goal in mind, work toward it, but please, PLEASE approach a company that offers that career and ask them if you can observe for the day. They might say no, but they might not. Tell them you’re in high school and you’re thinking about angling toward a career in that field and you’d like to get a look into what that career is like. Ask if you can shadow them for a day, or a week, or even a month. Ask them questions. Don’t just tag along if they let you observe. Ask for their motivations. Ask how it all works. Ask if they’re happy. Find out what the drawbacks of that career are. You’re at the age where you can find out who you are and who you want to be. 

Me? When I first enrolled in college I was training to become a Registered Nurse. I spent a buttload of money on books and uniforms and courses to be a Nurse and then I did a practical-training stint and do you know what happened? I found out I fucking HATED it. I couldn’t deal with all the bodily fluids, and showering old people, and being coughed on and struggled against, and bossed around by doctors. And I quit. I called my parents and I told them how studying it was exciting in theory, and that I enjoyed the course-work for my essays, but I couldn’t stand the practical part. And I told them that it was fucking me up and that I’d stick it out if they wanted me to, because they were paying my accommodation for living on campus. But I found out what it was like, and I hated it. And if I’d gone to my local hospital and volunteered BEFORE applying to be a nurse, I’d have known it wasn’t for me. You haven’t got to get it right the first time, you know? You can make a mistake. But they’re expensive. If you can do things BEFORE money gets involved and figure out what you like and don’t like, do it. Always do it. Go to you local hospital and ask if they need an AIN for the week. Go to your local shelter and volunteer. Volunteer in a soup kitchen, or at your local library or youth centre. Ask companies if you can help them out for a few days and be willing to do it WITHOUT being paid. If you expect money, most will turn you down, but if you paint it as them helping you figure out who the hell you’re going to be and saving you from making potentially the worst mistake of your life if you pick the wrong course, most people are decent enough to give you a go.

5. Travel. I mean it. If you can afford to travel, and it won’t cost you a scholarship, take a year off between high school and college, and travel. See the world. Take a bestie, or go alone, but travel. I would be a completely different person if I’d travelled before college, and gone alone, rather than waiting until the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year and going with a boyfriend. Your perspective on life will change, I guarantee it. Hell, take a working holiday and work bar-jobs or cafe-jobs, or anything to pay the bills while you see the world, but for the love of god, get out of your home-town or your city. Meet new people. See new things. Learn how things work in another country by experiencing it first hand. I can’t stress this one enough because my number one biggest regret in life is that when I was in high school, I was offered a place in an exchange program to live and study in a country of my choice for a year, and I turned it down because I was in a relationship that was “going to last forever”. It didn’t last, and I was an idiot, and I insist that anyone who can travel MUST do so. I don’t care if you’ve got to backpack your way across Europe on $10 a day, if you can do it, PLEASE do it.

6. Learn how to take advice and criticism without seeing it as a challenge and without immediately being spiteful and doing the opposite. Listen to people who know better. If I’d listened to my parents, I’d have ditched the boyfriend, travelled, seen the world, and been a whole different person. If I’d listened to my Aunt, I’d have known that nursing was going to be horrible and that I’d hate it and quit. If I’d listened to family friends who ran local businesses in my town, I’d have been able to take them up on offers of things that, at the time, sounded awful, but things I’d have likely really enjoyed. 

7. Don’t listen to your friends. They don’t know what’s best for you, no matter how well they know you or how close you are. If they’re your age, then they’re as clueless as you right now and they don’t have any idea how to offer you actual advice that will help change your life for the better. If you want to try something, and your friends disagree, do it anyway. Learn to be independent of them. One day, all too soon, that bestie you’re so close with will be someone you see or speak to once or twice a year and - here’s the kicker - you’ll be okay with that. You might even PREFER that. The point is, you need to grow as a person and you need to figure out exactly who you are. It’s not as easy as it sounds, and it’s not always as rewarding as you might hope, but it’s important that you do it. And I know that being told to figure out who you are tends to bamboozle teens. Hell, it confused the hell outta me because I was all, “I know exactly who I am.”

I didn’t.

Ask yourself the hard questions. Figure out where you stand politically. Figure out what matters to you. Do you care about religion? Current Events? Does the opinion of your peers matter to you? Does it really? At the end of the day, when you go to bed, do you CARE if you offended someone who deserved it? Do you prefer chicken or beef or vegetarian? What would you look like with a nose ring? A shaved head? A tattoo you can regret later? Do you like boys, or girls, or something in between? Both? Neither? Are you a wool sweaters girl, or velvet jumpsuit girl? Sneakers or scuffs? Dyed hair or natural? Tea of Coffee? Boy or girl? Do you want to help the environment or end world hunger or fix the economy? Do you want to hide under a rock and never talk to anyone again? Do you want to make a name for yourself? It’s all relevant and it sounds silly, but if you’re aspiring to be a writer, find a character questionnaire of all the things you’d want or need to know about a character to write about them in a book. Fill it out about you. You might be shocked by what you learn. 

8. Don’t give terribly long winded answers like this one.

9. Never settle. You’re more than settling. Don’t settle for a partner, don’t settle for a job, don’t settle for a town, or a city, or a friend, or a life that you’re not happy with. If you aren’t happy, figure out why and make changes. You’re allowed. No one is going to stop you, and if they try, direct them to me so I can lecture them on how to be a better person. *winks*

10. Use your imagination. If you want to be an author, you’re not going to learn how in a classroom. You’ll learn by diving into a book and entering a whole new world. Practice your writing. Write fanfiction and share it to see what people make of it. Listen to the suggestions of those offering constructive criticism. PRACTICE. Read. For the love of god, read everything. Push yourself to learn how to write better, not in the classroom, but in the real world. Write whenever you can. Every day. I mean it. Literally, every day. If you don’t write, you won’t improve. You’ve got to do it. Set a goal. Tell yourself you’ll write 100 words a day, build on it from there. Be like me and write thousands of words a day, when you’re up for it. If you don’t keep your imagination alive and trying to think of new ways to tell the same story, you’ll struggle and you’ll fizzle. 

xx-Kitten

[madame-lafayette]

Puppy Days (Alexander Hamilton x Reader)

Guess who’s back-

LEO STOP TRYING TO WRITE WITH YOUR CHIN! Sorry, I’ve got a dog on my lap. 

Shoutout to Leo and Collin, my two wonderful dogs, for the inspiration for this! I may write another imagine based on this idea soon-let me know if you want that and who to do it with!

LEO STOP IT sngvisdhufioesf

Sorry.

As always, there is an explicit language warning.

-

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Why in the name of Satan do you want a dog? They’re little devils!” Alex retorted. “If we get one, it’s going to ruin all of my documents and pee wherever in the apartment! That isn’t hygienic!”

“First off, a dog is not an it. They have feelings and genders as well! Second off, if we get a puppy then you may finally organize your papers and not throw them everywhere so dramatically! That’s not hygienic for the papers either, you know.” You sighed.  

“I can’t help that Jefferson is a prick, okay? He always leaves me so mentally drained!” he growled a little in memory of the multiple debates the two of them almost always seem to take personally. 

“A dog will help you get more exercise and keep you company. I’ll take care of potty training them and such, so you don’t have to worry about that. We’ve got enough room in the budget to provide for them financially-”

“You’ve already thought this out completely, haven’t you?” Alex asked.

“I may have already found a few breeds that we would be compatible with, figured how much money it would be every year to properly take care of them, and researched everything we may need to know. Did you know that most puppies get emotionally attached to their owners at the age of eight weeks, which is why that’s the recommended age to bring home one?” You spoke confidently, knowing your roommate-well, recently it was a little more than just a roommate-would only agree to it if you provided enough information on the subject.

“Fine, fine! So long as I don’t have to lift a finger to take care of the dog, I’m fine with you bringing home one. Only one!” Alex gave in. “I swear though Y/N, I better not have a dog peeing on my stuff.

-~-

"Y/N! Phillip shitted on the coffee table!” Alexander shouted, obviously angry at both you and the young Boston Terrier. 

“How the hell did you get up there, Philly?” You arrived at the scene of the poop armed with doggy bags and Bissel spray, your new  best friends. Alex reluctantly scooped up the squirmy pup, glaring at him with anger that he usually only saves for his co-workers such as Jefferson, Madison, and Burr. 

“This is starting to get out of hand. I didn’t know that a dog could produce this much waste? I’m positive that Phillip doesn’t eat this much!” He questioned.

“You would only know if you actually took a break every now and then. How about going on a walk with Phillip? He’d enjoy it,” You suggested as you finished cleaning up the coffee table.

“Well, I don’t want to!” Alex huffed. You sighed.

“Why can’t you take a break for Philly Whilly?” You cooed as the puppy started to fall asleep in Alex’s arms.

“Because Phillip hates me. Please Y/N, I’ve got to finish a report for my boss,” He pleaded.

“When is it due? Be honest, or I’m not feeding you tonight.” Alexander stood like a deer in headlights, unknown to what he has to reply with. “I’ve caught you, haven’t I?" 

"First off, fuck you-”

“Maybe later,” You replied, cutting him off. 

“What am I going to do with you… Fine, I’ll take Phillip to a park for an hour!” Alexander gave in, sighing in frustration.

“Thank you!” You flung your arms around him. “I’ll make whatever you want for dinner, you name it and its on your plate.”

“How about pork cutlet bowls? From the recipe you used a few weeks ago?” Alexander suggested. “Isn’t it from that one anime you’re obsessed with?”

“You’ve given me a reason to shout vkusno tonight,” You said.

“Didn’t you say that last night?” He smirked, as you blushed and flipped him off. 

“Remember to bring the puppy emergency bag when you go to the park! I’ll be off to the grocery store down the street, and I’ll know if you back out of your promise!” Alexander watched as you grabbed your backpack and phone before leaving the apartment. 

~-~

The second you left however, Phillip decided to start squirming and wiggling, forcing him to let the filthy mutt (as Alexander affectionately calls Phillip).

“I swear, Phillip, you better cooperate with me or else I’m sending you to hell the hard way,” Alexander threatened, but only received a confused head tilt and a butt to his face. He wanted to dramatically flop on the couch and neglect the dog, but he knew that Y/N’s pork cutlet bowls were worth the hour wasted.

Alexander snatched the puppy bag that his roommate-or should he consider them as his significant other?-always has Philip’s stuff in and scrummaged through it to find his leash and a spare collar.

You know, just in case.

“Phillip, get your ass over here so we can get going!” Alexander commanded. The dog payed no mind to him and continued to wander around the apartment, sniffing all the little nooks and crannies. Frustrated, he walked over to Phillip and clipped the leash on to the collar, then began tugging the dog to get him to walk.

“How does Y/N do this? It doesn’t seem like he wants to go anywhere-” Just as he uttered the words from his mouth, Phillip immediately started to yip around and tangle Alexander by running in circles. He cursed, because of course his luck would end up landing him in a scenario like this. Even though it took nearly 10 minutes (and probably more treats than the pup could consume), the duo could leave the apartment to immediately be blown by the wonderful (not) winds of the uptown location of New York City.

~-~

“Alex, I need a ride home from the vet,” Y/N pleaded through the phone. You could tell that he was at his wits end because he would have to leave work early. 

“Why?” Was all Alexander asked. “I’ll be there in about 15 minutes, but I need a good reason.”

“It randomly started snowing, if you haven’t noticed, and since Phillip just got his balls cut off I want to make sure he can get home comfortably instead of walking all the way…” He winced, imagining the amount of pain that dog was probably having then. 

“Say no more, I’ve got to tell Washington but like I said, 15 minutes or I’m making dinner for both of you.”

~-~

“I swear, Y/N, we need 100 more of these fluff balls.”

-

*blasting history maker+free in headphones and killing eardrums*

I'm sorry this isn’t edited, but I don’t fucking care so *flips off haters*

Idk, I kinda want to interact with my readers! 

Hm… write a sentence from your favorite show/anime opening in the comments/reblogs and I’ll see if I can guess it+start song chains.

Also! I want to do question of the posts and such, because that will make me a cool writer, right? lol

What is your favorite song?