#i love being neurodivergent like i thought we were friends but it’s so chill that we’re apparently not

[philzokman]

just found out the people i thought were my friends from drama ahve been talking shit abt me behind my back sooo happy rn 10/10 experience 🔥🔥🔥

[moonlightsapphic]

Y'all aren't ready for this storytime.

So in 9th grade, one of the loudest girls in our class fixated on making me her latest project. At the time, I was still learning to cope with (undiagnosed) selective mutism and was the weirdo in the class. S thought I was chill, and I just needed to socialise a little more: interact, take pictures with people, wear makeup.

As the months passed, we became really close. S was a bit of a disaster: Her family wasn't the most stable, and neither was her mental health. She was conventionally very pretty—curvy with silky waves dyed caramel, sharp facial features and confident poisture. She was a bit outspoken and active for the liking of most guys in our conservative south Asian small town, but just pretty and charismatic and elusive and ✨ deep ✨ enough (even as a teen) for men to overlook that and try to slide into her dms and such. S spent her teen years jumping from toxic relationship to toxic relationship—fortunately with people our own age only.

She was just the type to reel in my chronic empath, neurodivergent ass as well. I loved pleasing S, impressing her, hanging out with her, being vulnerable together, comforting her. She was one of the only people that could keep up with my hyperactive texting, and despite our big differences, we had enough common interests to have something to talk about nearly 24/7.

(Looking back, I can definitely see some neurodivergent traits in her as well.)

When I was deeply crushing on this dumb dude that I thought was the coolest because he played guitar, was good at math and expressed feelings™️ well, I was pretty private about it. S literally emotionally coaxed me into telling her the truth. We were up late texting; she was—unsurprisingly—pretty down and I was keeping her company. She asked, “You know, I consider you to be my closest friend, though I don‘t say it a lot ... Will you tell me the truth? Do you like him?” If I‘d read that in a book, I'd be sure there was some romantic tension between these two characters.

When I had my first weirdly-sexual gay dream at seventeen, I was alone in her room with S later that day and hyperventilating. I was already in a very monogamous (and boring, in restrospect) relationship with that same dude and very happy about it, but that moment truly was the first step in my bi awakening. (It was probably inspired by some of my favourite public figures of the time, like dodie, coming out and talking extensively about it.)

I distinctly remember this one night when my boyfriend (spoiler alert: he’s trash) had been mean and made me cry. I was scared he would break up with me in the morning over this one tiny little mistake I’d made. S stayed up with me all night, and by daybreak I felt a flicker of feelings deep inside, of possibilities.

Unfortunately, as we neared 12th grade graduation, S began to get more conservative. She started to put her religious beliefs above any and all personal principles she once had. Ergo, queer people are sinners and also women should cover up and listen to men plus the country should become a fully "Islamic state" and get rid of all other religious minorities to achieve doubtless true utopia.

Uhhh … yeah.

Incidentally, she seemed unworried about following the same rules herself—her “faith” really shone when she was telling other people what to do, or being bigoted against a certain (religious, racial, ethnic, queer, et cetera) minority group she herself didn’t identify with. It was really just an excuse to feed her ego, perhaps a coping mechanism even, and it was hypocritical.

Let me make it clear here that the beliefs she kept citing are mainly a very specific set of interpretations of Islamic scripture that’ve come to be widely taught in our region at this moment in time. They by no means reflect the beliefs of all Muslims (and, in this case, were very informed by the bigotry of the cis-heterosexual, perverted, greedy old men who historically created these rules to maintain their power). S here absolutely is not a representation of the lifestyle and disposition of every practicing Muslim person.

ANYWAY, she began to make remarks about me posting LGBTQ+ positivity content on my social media, or feminism of the brand she didn't like. In my conflicts with shitty dudes from school, she would only support me if her ~ beliefs ~ allowed it. Additionally, she’d always been pretty emotionally volatile, but it had gotten worse since graduating school—She would get mad or upset with me now for being absent, insensitive, et cetera, asking for reassurance but in intense defensive attack mode. It was behaviour I never encountered from any other platonic friend.

As you can see, S wasn't very good at maintaining boundaries, or being open to other points of view. Her negative approach to many things in life often rubbed off on me as well.

With time and growth I found more friends who were like-minded to myself, whom I didn't have to tiptoe around lest I offend them or set them off, who were far more loyal to me. I’m a sensitive person—and I found a warmer community, much better for my mental health. So in our twenties, S and I organically drifted apart.

When I (finally!) dumped my shitty boyfriend (he’d turned extremely sour over time because he hated that I’d grown a backbone), and began happily dating a woman that I was very much in love with at the end of the year, I realised that having friends who support my queer identity is non-negotiable to me now. Just interacting with the queerphobes from grade school hugely triggered me, and I decided I no longer needed to carefully maintain niceties with them.

And it would all have ended there, except S wasn’t having it. We had drifted apart a while ago, but as soon as she saw that I was posting a bunch of pictures with my girlfriend, she began spreading rumours trying to out the both of us.

(Mind you, we weren’t out to anyone yet at the time. S was purely speculating, but she was spot on—I just couldn’t really figure out why this was the thing she decided to fixate on.)

And then, as if she thought I would forgive her straightaway for attempting to out me, she started hitting me up in my dms every few months demanding I give her an explanation for why I abandoned her. Each time, I patiently told S it wasn’t intentional and I had had mental health troubles. (Namely, ADHD, which she herself had once convinced me was impossible.) If she truly wanted us to keep up with each other, she could just reply to my stories in good humour and ask me how I’m doing instead of repeatedly villainizing me out of the blue. (I never brought up the outing thing, or anything queer-related at all. I didn’t want to give her any more leverage than the bits and pieces of evidence she had dug up herself, conspiracy-style.) However, that would only keep her away temporarily.

Not going to lie, the way she kept coming back to gaslight me into taking her back was an exact copy of what my ex-boyfriend had done for months. It was hilarious, and tragic.

… And (I realised later) kind of gay??

She’s been in a relationship with a really docile (*cough* ball-less) dude who agrees with all her conservative principles since 12th grade. (Honestly, good for them, they deserve each other.) I don’t think S has ever had feelings for me as much as she simply felt possessive of me. She regards it as betrayal that I am happily out and queer, and she can’t tolerate that some other girl has replaced her as my one true ✨ gal pal ✨. She's jealous, but it's hard for me to believe her jealousy is purely platonic. It's like she wanted us to be a pair of suffering queers-in-denial sacrificing ourselves for neurotypical comphet society together, hand in hand, forever. For the greater good.

How romantic.

I noticed a few weeks ago that she's finally removed me from all her social media—around the same exact time that my ex-boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in years) blocked me.

Ah, two breakups that I initiated years ago coming back uninvited, for attention that I literally have zero interest in providing.

So bringing back this post:

Reading this was like a major brain go brrr moment to me, because I was like ??? That’s a queer thing??? No way???

And then I read through the comments and saw that every single sapphic person was like “uhhh yep we never dated though good riddance,” or “ugh yes and we ended up dating and it was so toxic we broke up soon after good riddance”.

For the first time in my life, I actually considered that S might not have been a straight queerphobe, but an incredibly suppressed dumpster fire of a queer person with extreme internalized homophobia.

And … it all fits.

She's always been sultry and glamorous in a distinctly sapphic way; I just never was able to exactly put my finger on it. (In high school, sometimes I'd look her up and down and go whoa.) I can totally imagine a parallel universe in which we forget men and attempt to date each other instead. After the first few months of euphoria, she’d probably get us into an anxious-avoidant trap the same way my ex did. She’d cheat on me with a man because of her internalised homophobia, then dump me and come back crying to gaslight me a dozen times. It would take me much longer to get rid of her than it did to get rid of my dumb man ex—because ✨ shared queer trauma ✨.

I really, really dodged a bullet with that one. My girlfriend is the most wonderful, soft, and nurturing person I know, and she is my soulmate in more ways than one. I am very happy, and this is your PSA to not just date the one other queer person in your vicinity when you know you aren't good for each other. Be like me—run.

[theovergrowth]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN

NAME?: Robbie, King, Clown, I’ve been called Many Things lmao

PRONOUNS?: if we’re talking the easy route, He/Him. If ur chill then He/It ❤️

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION?: Discord is the most reliable! My tumblr app hasn’t told me when people dm me since like 2021

MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S)?: Titus, obvi lmao;; of all my characters he talks in my head The Most and I get the most inspiration for him just day-to-day

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS?: i started role playing over email in 2014 with a few friends from school, then found out about tumblr rp after undertale came out (…yeah my first muse was Papyrus what of it) so i guess almost 9-10 years at this point??? There’s gaps tho

BEST EXPERIENCE?: I mean for the Most Part I’ve had a lot of really good experiences with people! Especially Recently, the people I talk to are just very creative and kind and fun! Tho I do often reminisce on a thread me and an old mutual did when I first got confident enough to write OC stuff instead of canon, it was just a fun plot and we were both just Brain Broken kids ❤️❤️

RP PET PEEVES?: Ummm this is always a hard question, honestly I feel like I’m my biggest pet peeve in rp lol;; I guess my main thing is when people Press for Replies? Like yes remind me if it’s been a while, but I have had mutuals in the past who push after like a Day and it truly just makes my brain Refuse to do anything. That’s more a me thing tho I think

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?: with as much as I love making angst happen, I Love Fluff. It’s so much fun to write sad characters being happy ❤️❤️ Smut I have. No experience with (I just started writing smut in my downtime like 3 months ago and I respect yall who do it well So Much, it’s truly an Artform of its Own and if anyone has tips for beginners I’ll take em)

PLOTS OR MEMES?: Here’s my problem, right? Love Plotting, if I could plot until I die I would. But also. I might just plot until I die, because then I get nervous about not writing it in a way that feels the way it did when it was Plotted, ykno? Memes are fun but also I get Stressed by the Ask Box

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?: i prefer longer ones, i think? Short can be fun, but I also have Too Many Thoughts to keep replies short

TIME TO WRITE?: oughghgh usually I Try to get to writing on my weekends, but;;; sometimes work and broken brain makes me Too Tired so it’s real Sporadic and depends on when I have Energy

.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)?

In some ways! Most of them have some Level of anxiety, most if not All of them are queer and neurodivergent.

Titus is honestly maybe the Most like me. I was homeless and lived in a van, Religious Trauma, complex about being Inhuman and Strange, autism, trans, and a lot of his little habits come from things I noticed me or my friends doing (tho honestly, Titus is more based on some asshole I knew in yellowstone lmao)

.

tagged by: @justashadetalkative (( aaa this one was fun!! ))

Tagging: if u see this 🔪 Steal It and Tag Me Pls

[autisticempathydaemon]

If you're still doing the matchups, I'd love to get one, thanks. This is such a cute and fun idea, and I've loved reading them. Thanks for doing this!

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? Queencard by (G)I-dle. It's mostly in Korean, so I can't understand most of the lyrics, but it just makes me feel so happy.

What is your Enneagram type?

5

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends if it's something I'm vaguely interested in or not.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

I don't remember, and I asked my mum and she can't remember any details either

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

Get waaaay too tired because I've stayed up too late 😭

Aside from that, my fave Redacted sleep aid

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

Daisy maybe, I like the sound of it.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

Anything Adam. Something about him just scratches that weird little itch in my brain just right.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

Sam maybe. I haven't listened to most of his audios, so haven't got really invested. Also the overhype for him in the fandom has kinda made me sick of him.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

None really, I don't rewatch stuff a lot, and my memory isn't great, so that doesn't help lmao.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

Guy, maybe. He's so fun and I love him so much, but I don't think I'd want to date him.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

Nope, I just get really quiet when I'm sleepy.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

A slurpee and a sweet pastry of some kind, probably.

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. 

I've made one that I add all my musical hyperfixations to as they occur. It's sooo good (imo anyways).

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

I try not to feel guilty about anything that I really enjoy. I guess boyfriend asmr could count, since it's not something I'd discuss with anyone unless I knew they were also a fan.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

Idk, I'm just a person at war with their brain (ADHD) and their body (gender dysphoria)

Thanks again! ❤❤❤

Type Fives seem to be characterized as independent, thoughtful people in their own heads and thoughts. That tracks with what I know of ADHD and your quiet temperament when you become tired, and because of this, I like Huxley with you.

I feel like people can take Fives, like Honey, and mistake their stoic or introverted nature for misanthropy or arrogance; Huxley would know better. He strikes me as a very chill, flexible ambivert, nature thriving in clamor or silence, you know? He’d be a supportive, steady presence by your side- your rock, if you will, which all neurodivergent people could use (I say from experience).

Being with Huxley would be just so perfect, as perfect as a relationship could realistically be. He’s so thoughtful, considerate, and empathetic; he’d be a great person to have around when suffering from dysphoria, always willing to listen and knowing what he can do to help. Since he’s also so chill and so nice and so genuinely interested, he’d love to hear you talk about boyfriend asmr or whatever you might be hyperfixated on. He’d be one of those people who sincerely listens to infodump and becomes an expert on those subjects just to engage with you and what you love.

Song:

Ooh, who said it's true/ That the growing only happens on your own?/ They don't know me and you/ I don't think you have to leave/ If to change is what you need/ You can change right next to me

I’m a sucker for Huxley and songs with growing/nature-centric word choices; what can I say? Huxley strikes me as a chill, acoustic, indie kind of guy who loves some solid, stellar vocals, so this Ben Platt song works well with that. I also love that this is a really realistically romantic song that has a sentiment I could see Huxley expressing, you know? It has this imagery of two people like vines or trees in a relationship, growing together, becoming intertwined, supporting each other over them.

Runner-ups:

Lasko is a runner-up because I’m a Lasko kinnie, I’m autistic so Lasko is autistic, and there’s no cuter ship than the ADHD/Autistic ship, you know? They work! Ollie is a runner up for more legitimate reasons in that he has a lot of the same supportive, sweet traits as Huxley- just not as much.

note: thank you so much for waiting and playing~!

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[married-2-the-music]

K-pop Discography Deep Dives: WINNER

A Disclaimer: I was planning, when I first started Tumblr, to be a lurker, but then I began an office job and needed something to listen to to keep myself occupied. And then, I started going through entire K-pop groups’ repertoires, album by album, and jotting down my thoughts. And then, I stumbled into K-pop tumblr and decided, you know what, there’s at least four people on this hell site who would read in depth rants about these discographies and at least five who wouldn’t read it and then get mad because it’s kind of our job as K-pop fans. My lukewarm takes should be taken with an entire silo of salt and the knowledge that this is completely for fun and occupying my very bored, very neurodivergent brain. All this to say, for the love of god, I’m a sleep-deprived student and I don’t have time for internet hate, so don’t kill me. With that being said, enjoy!

Here are my credentials: none. The extent of my knowledge of WINNER is two songs, one because it's considered pretty classic in k-pop and Dreamcatcher covered it, and the other because it was recommended to me by an Inner Circle (WINNER’s fan club name) online friend of mine. So let’s do this!

WINNER was formed in 2013 through a survival program, with five members: Hoony, Seungyoon, Mino, Jino, and Taehyun (the last of which left due to mental health reasons in 2016). They, like (G)I-DLE, who I covered a few months ago, write, compose, and choreograph their own songs, which is pretty cool and has me excited to see what they’ve come up with.

Empty is a bit of a surprising choice for a debut, with its quite melancholy mood and slow beat. Its chorus is high and very gentle, almost soothing if it weren’t for the heartbreak. I have a similar issue with the raps in this song that I do with the raps in many other k-pop songs: they’re fine on their own but I feel like they don’t fit the vibe at all. This is a ballad for dwelling and brooding; why are we randomly changing the tempo and giving the audience whiplash for something that doesn’t need to be there? On the whole, the song isn’t for me, but I do really like the harmonizing in the last chorus.

Color Ring too is sadder than I was expecting, but this time the instrumentals are more interesting with both a piano and an acoustic guitar. I’m a ballad enjoyer—though I have to be in the right mood for them—and this one is pretty good. It manages to balance the moodiness and the catchiness pretty well, though I admit that the music video is so dramatic that I laughed a few times when I probably wasn’t supposed to. The bridge and different levels of vocalizing were great, and I have to say that something about this song feels so early-2nd gen, though I’m not sure exactly what it is.

2014 S/S is their first album, and I have a couple hidden gems. Due to its popularity, I actually thought that Don’t Flirt was a single, and though I’d heard it before, I didn’t know that WINNER wrote it. It embraces a much more lighthearted, happy beat than Empty or Color Ring, with hints of reggae and Latin pop, and reminds me of Wonder Girls’ Why So Lonely, one of my favorite bands. I also enjoyed the upbeat disco of Smile Again, the soaring strings of Confession, and the harmonizing in But. Also, Love Is A Lie really reminded me of something, but I couldn’t place it for the life of me.

Sentimental, despite the name, is actually not a ballad. I love how this video is filmed, from the ceiling into elaborately constructed sets shot like a floor plan. I’m not the biggest fan of verses leaning so far into sing-talk, but they have pretty good flow and they go well with the odd, upbeat energy of the song. This one leans into the humor, and the chill soft rock elements give it a relatable, youthful feeling that I appreciated.

Baby Baby returns to the melancholy feeling of Empty and Color Ring, but innovates on the formula by adding a swingy southern guitar and slow drums. It’s definitely grown on me as I’ve listened to it more, and the last chorus was pretty good, with the combination of vocals, instrumentals, and rising tension, but it just doesn’t quite reach the point of catharsis for me. Also, I know that this isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things, but I did really like the music video and how it expresses loneliness in a host of different ways.

Exit E is a bit of an eclectic EP, truth be told, and my hidden gem doesn’t sound anything like either title track. Immature leans into a pop-punk feel with some alt-rock as well, and has a great beat. Since my BTS reviews, I’ve grown fonder of talking in k-pop songs, especially when it's in Korean. Something about it feels very human and down-to-earth, and helps off-set a lot of the artifice in k-pop.

Really Really, as I’m sure any fan of WINNER’s guessed, is the classic k-pop song I referenced at the start. I didn’t realize until this review, though, how early into their careers it was released, so color me impressed. There’s nothing I can say about this one that hasn’t already been said: it’s catchy in an understated way, it’s got an interesting mix of tropical house, synths, and hip-hop, and it’s got a music video style that’s unusual for k-pop. I did enjoy this, and everytime I hear it (since the aforementioned Dreamcatcher cover), it gets stuck in my head yet again. Since this was the first song I heard of Winner’s, their more ballad-based style surprised me a lot.

Fool is also a ballad, unsurprisingly, but I prefer this one to their others. I really like the different ways they seem to play with vocals in it, the gentleness in the verses versus the more evident emotion in the choruses, and I especially enjoy the pre-choruses. The piano mixing with the guitars in the background is great, and when it all comes together after the bridge, all I can say is wow, because it was very powerful. This became the first of their singles that I added to my playlist.

Love Me Love Me is certainly happier than the majority of WINNER’s music; its electronic instrumental hook seems to feel poised to be exciting. I love the build up in the pre-chorus and the interweaving of funk, synth, rap, and pop vocalizing really works for me here. But…I think the song undercuts itself with such an empty chorus, and though I know this sounds odd, it’s almost like the song thinks that it’s more fun than it is. It wants to be a summer bop, but it’s too understated for that.

Island was actually the other song I knew of WINNER’s, and its tropical influences interested me from the first listen. In my mind, it’s what Love Me Love Me wanted to be, and it has an excellent energy that doesn’t stall right after it builds up. It feels like a great summer vacation, both nostalgic and lively, and the post-chorus chanting with the brass is upbeat and chill at the same time. I think that so far, this one is probably my favorite title track, as it adds to what I thought made Don’t Flirt so good.

Everyday starts with some fairly basic electronic background before the vocalizing takes over. I was pretty surprised by the decision to rely so heavily on autotune for this song (perhaps it was a stylistic choice?), as WINNER have such good voices, and the harmonizing of said voices was one of the things I appreciated about their early work, even when the music wasn’t for me. Everyday’s pre-chorus is decently catchy with a thankful break from auto tune but I wish it had more of a climax or did something interesting with a pretty tried-and-true formula. I don’t think I’ll be listening to this one again, sorry guys.

So, time for a slight digression. I recognize that this isn’t exactly a song critique, but I feel like there’s so much sexualization of women in their music videos. First there was the random woman in her underwear in Baby Baby, then the female dancers in Really Really, and now the first 15 seconds of Everyday is just a bunch of women standing around posing in bikinis for…what reason, exactly? I’m not blaming the band members for this, obviously, as I know they don’t have control over it, but…I hope this doesn’t continue into the other videos later, because at this point it’s genuinely making me uncomfortable.

Everyd4y, after four songs that were only stand-alone singles, is another full album, so I have a lot to talk about. Lala sounds like it could’ve been another title that follows up Don’t Flirt and Island in their fun summer sounds; it’s a bit simple, as their songs go, but it’s very fun. For has a great, warm acoustic background and sweeping strings that mesh well together. Movie Star, meanwhile, feels more like Winner’s earlier ballads in the way that it’s constructed: layered instrumentals, a focus on lovely harmonizing, and setting a scene, just more upbeat. It’s not afraid to slow things down and for the bridge, only uses hand-clapping and acoustic guitar, then lets the instrumentals go full force for the last chorus. I really liked this one (the rap is my one sticking point, as it often is), as I think it builds on their strengths in an interesting way. It’s probably my favorite.

Millions too starts with an electronic background, but thankfully doesn’t rely too heavily on auto tune, letting the group use their voices nicely. I confess I was expecting a very braggy song, and was pleasantly surprised by how sweet it actually was. However, besides that, I didn’t find that much interesting about this one, as it follows a pretty standard pop-song formula.That’s not to say I’ve got anything against it, as I’m sure if it was on in the background I’d nod my head along, but it’s not enough for me to really care.

Ah Yeah opens differently from the past few songs, with a more down-to-earth acoustic guitar. I appreciated that this one has a full chorus with several parts, and I especially enjoyed that pre-chorus’ exciting build. This one totally had me nodding along, and now it’s stuck in my head. Overall, it’s not re-inventing the wheel or anything, but this song is a lot of fun and would probably grow on me if I gave it a bit more time.

From the EP, We, two songs stuck out to me. Mola, firstly, has a great build-up, and uses an interesting mix of Latin-pop and synth that I think works pretty well. I like how the instrumental pulls back and rushes forward at different points, and the voices have a chance to do some rising and falling, which is always fun to hear. Everyday, the single, meanwhile, was the title I’ve disliked the most so far, and the remix does help me like it a little more, adding a synthier background and a quicker beat. But at its core, the song’s just not interesting enough for this, and I can’t bring myself to care. To not end on an annoyed note, I did think First Love was sweet.

SOSO seems to combine parts of different eras of WINNER, like the breakup focus of their earliest work and the more upbeat feeling of their middle work.. I actually like the rap, which is unusual for me, but it fits much better with the rest of the song than many k-pop raps do. It’s a good old-fashioned break up anthem, and it reminds me of Congratulations by Day6. But…(cue the groaning of how I need to just appreciate things), this song has an excellent, and I do mean excellent build up in the pre-chorus, and then…it just wastes it with an empty, soulless chorus that’s just the words “so so” repeated over and over with an excessive amount of autotune…oh. My. god. Come on, guys, I was rooting for you, you were so close! This was almost my favorite song of theirs, but no. It’s more disappointing to me than anything, but still, it’s a shame to waste such good ideas. I didn’t have a hidden gem from Cross, the EP.

Hold feels like a follow up to Sentimental, both in its specific brand of humor and its slightly-bratty-slightly-funny delivery. Its sing-talk sections are not my favorites, but I do quite like its build up in the pre-choruses when we’re away from the autotune. This one did honestly get a few chuckles out of me, though I think that I liked it partly because I liked the video, and without them together I’d probably be harsher on the parts that I thought were annoying. It has its moments, but I don’t feel that attached to it.

As the name suggests, Remember is a return to their more melancholy music, and is a song that was created as a special release right before the members began a hiatus for mandatory military service. Normally, fan songs are quite thankful and upbeat, but Remember feels more like mourning something, which is completely fair, since I can’t imagine what it feels like to be essentially drafted. This song really did affect me, especially when it showed concert footage and them looking through old photos together, and I think I got to understand and care much more about the group than I had watching any of their regular MVs.

Remember is the third and last full album, so let’s dive in. Dduk (Jino’s solo) has a delightfully weird instrumental and it sounds like he’s having a lot of fun singing it, which I always appreciate. I liked the energy in the chorus of Hold, although I wasn’t the biggest fan of the rest of the song. Well gives me road trip vibes, and honestly would’ve made a great goodbye single too, if they wanted a more upbeat and nostalgic one. Serenade (Hoony’s solo) is also a lot of fun, and goes for an anthemic alt-rock that reminds me of TXT’s Lovesong. Different has a gentler energy than many of the other songs here and pairs it with a chill acoustic guitar that provides a nice outro.

I Love U is WINNER’s most recent release at the moment, created during a break in military service, and I was very pleasantly surprised both by how upbeat it is and by how much I enjoyed listening to it. It relies very heavily on synths, while also keeping that sense of humor from past songs. I really liked that bridge and lead into the last chorus, because it did a great job changing up the structure while still keeping the momentum going. It’s a bit cheesy and all, sure, but there’s no denying that it has heart.

From the EP, Holiday, I had two hidden gems. 10 min continues the nostalgic, gently anthemic vibe from many of Remember’s b-sides, which I’ve always been a fan of. Sweet Home is a bit understated at first, but that last chorus really changed things with its alt-rock tones and had me bopping my head.

So, I’m glad I did this. I admit that I didn't like WINNER as much as I expected; I found that much of their later work is not for me, and many of their more ballad-y tracks aren’t everyday listens for me. If you’re an Inner Circle, I’m sure you disagree with most of my points. But, I’m always happy to find more self-produced groups, which are already a rarity, and on top of that, finding one that also choreographs and composes is even more out of the ordinary. So, genuinely, kudos to them. I’m watching some interviews now and though I don’t think I’d be listening to a lot of their titles every day, when I’m in the mood for an anthemic summer road trip song to add to my playlists, it’s safe to say I have somewhere to turn.

My Top 5 songs are Fool, Island, Well, Don’t Flirt, and Movie Star, with Sweet Home as an honorable mention. Winner gets a 7.75 out of 10 from me, since as I mentioned, they’re very inconsistent. Like Kingdom and OnlyOneOf, when they’re good they’re really, really good (see what I did there?) but when they’re bad they’re just…boring. But unlike those groups, there doesn’t seem to be some thread that connects their earlier work to their later work, and in my opinion, they sound like two different bands. Even though I wasn’t the biggest fan of their ballads, those songs gained a lot of respect from me…but their later releases did not.

Next time, we’ll be switching up my usual by doing a girl group I know almost nothing about, so I’m looking forward to it! Tschüss!

[dolugecat]

On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

[ichayalovesyou]

TOS Crew-Phobias

Been thinking about And The Children Shall Lead and how the kids play on everyone’s inner Beast, and trying to decipher what fears each crew member may have based on what the children made them do and see.

The asterisk means it’s either an approximation because their fear is too specific, or if they had this fear they’ve since developed means of coping

James Kirk: Autophobia

Autophobia: Fear of being alone

I feel like this one’s pretty obvious. People tend to make the argument that the Enterprise (the ship itself) is Kirk’s overpowering true love, but I don’t think that’s it. It’s more the friends and the life that he’s made within The Enterprise that he’s terrified of losing. Some of the places we see Jim at his most upset and afraid in the series are when he feels he’s been abandoned or is forcibly (and seemingly permanently) separated from the crew. How visibly upset he is on the empty Enterprise in This Side of Paradise and The Mark of Gideon, lashing out at Spock when the crew reluctantly relieves him of duty in The Deadly Years, and his deep resentment toward Deela when she kidnaps him in Wink of An Eye. This is also further reinforced by his actions in Star Trek: The Motion Picture & The Search for Spock. He’s also one of the two characters (the other being Sulu) where his fear counts as an actual phobia and not a hypothetical phobia, ingrained personality trait, or symptom of Neurodivergence.

S’chn T’gai Spock: *OCD (fear of losing control)

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Obsessive thoughts that lead to repetitive actions.

If anything what we might perceive as OCD-like (or at least Neurodivergent) behavior may be typical of the Vulcan condition. I don’t think Spock has OCD, or at least I don’t know enough about it to say for sure, but what came up whenever I looked up “fear of hurting others/losing control” it came up without fail. While we don’t actually get to see whatever is making Spock’s hand tremble, momentarily defy orders and act as though everything is fine. I think we can surmise that his Beast convinced him that following the order would somehow hurt Jim or that he would be possessed/controlled to do so. Operation: Annihilate, Amok Time, Plato’s Stepchildren and essentially Spock’s whole character arc prove this to be true.

Bones: *Hyper-Empathy/Thanatophobia

Thanatophobia: Fear of death, dying, watching others die and/or others watching you die

There is a headcanon that Dr. McCoy is autistic with the hyper-empathy symptom, meaning he has a really hard time watching others suffer. This may have been the reason he became a doctor in the first place, or became worse/was triggered by his father’s death. While not technically a phobia and we don’t see Bones face his Beast in ATCSL. Evidence from other episodes supports this, Miri, Metamorphosis, Plato’s Stepchildren, The Empath, and For The World is Hollow & I Have Touched The Sky all heavily support this.

Scotty-Astrophobia

Astrophobia: Fear of getting lost or dying in space

Seems like kind of a ridiculous fear for someone who builds, maintains, and lives starships to have right? Maybe, but if that is something he’s deeply afraid of, it would make his surpassing ability to make certain the ship doesn’t explode despite impossible odds make plenty of sense. I don’t think it’s space itself that freaks Scotty out, it’s the idea of being stuck out there and/or suffering the cold and grizzly death that is getting sucked out into space does. So he does everything in his power to ensure that never happens. Out of all the supporting characters, the events of the episode that sparked this post aside, Scotty seems to have the best handle on his fear, the most condemning evidence that he’s got Astrophobia occurs later in season 3. He freezes up in the Jeffrey’s Tube during delicate work in That Which Survives. As well as telling his love interest that being bone deep afraid that you’re going to die in the cold vacuum of space is a perfectly normal thing to constantly think about in Lights of Zetar. Still, he is uncommonly steely-eyed and level headed whenever he has the con, even in the face of his fear. I used to theorize that maybe he was afraid of failure/imperfection, but Scotty’s Jerry-Rigs and Duct-tape way of doing things doesn’t lend itself to that idea. What stuck out to me was his comment “we’ll all be lost, forever lost!” in And The Children Shall Lead that made me think Astrophobia would be a good fit.

Nyota Uhura-Nosophobia

Nosophobia: Fear of contracting deadly disease

Uhura’s fear seems to be dying a slow and painful death by disease, one where she is irrevocably physically/mentally altered by her suffering. There’s evidence for this when she sees the appeal of immortality in I, Mudd, and that she’s scared she’ll end up like Chekov in The Tholian Web. Nosophobia is not hypochondria (convincing yourself that you have a disease/compulsively self-diagnosing) or germaphobia (extreme fear of germs and sickness). Nosophobia is more long term, an irrational fear of things like cancer and Alzheimer’s and other such conditions as well as potentially deadly viruses. It seems to me that if Uhura were to die she’d rather it be quick and painless rather than endure that sort of battle.

Hikaru Sulu-Cleithrophobia

Cleithrophobia: Fear of being trapped

Again, someone I thought maybe was afraid of failure (afraid of failing by destroying the ship with the swords in ATCSL) before I picked up on a very interesting pattern I noticed from The Corbomite Maneuver. Sulu gets really fatalistic and/or agitated when it seems like he’s trapped with no way out. He hyper fixates on the countdown when their trapped and condemned to destruction by Balok in The Corbomite Maneuver, he makes dark jokes while trapped and freezing to death on the planet from The Enemy Within. He seizes up instead of fleeing or fighting the Law Givers in Return if The Archons, and even panics a little when they’re trapped by the giant hand in Who Mourns For Adonais (and usually Sulu is insanely chill under pressure). Cleithrophobia gets confused with Claustrophobia often, but Celthrophobia has much more emphasis on the trapped and no way out elements than just enclosed spaces. So him being terrified by being unable to move because it’s surrounded by swords actually makes a lot of sense! Honestly, I find it uniquely fitting that a flyboy with an enthusiasm for growing things would be agitated by places that do not allow growth or flight.

Pavel Chekov-Proditophobia (in reverse)

Proditophobia: Fear of betrayal

Proditophobia is the fear of being betrayed, but there is more evidence to suggest that Pavel is waaaaay more terrified of betraying or being disloyal rather than being the victim of that action. There’s certainly evidence for it in both The Trouble with Tribbles and Day of The Dove, where he is driven to act out violently on the behalf of those he feels deep loyalty towards, in his head, allowing someone else’s reputation to be trashed counts as disloyalty. And The Children Shall Lead also shows us, at least at this point in Chekov’s character development, he feels more loyalty to Starfleet than the Enterprise crew (something that certainly changes/evolves by the time the movies roll around). The case might even have been that he was all bark and no bite and really wasn’t actually going to kill his Captain or mentor, he was just hoping they’d believe him so that they’d go peacefully and he wouldn’t have to worry about betraying Starfleet at all. I used to think maybe he feared punishment or retribution, but he’d never break any rules if that were the case, and if I know anything about this feral gremlin of an Ensign, he’ll do that in a split second if someone questions his loyalty.

[space-city-traffic]

yet again im back on my bullshit so... (gazes with mixed feelings at the TV show Firefly) i could fix him.

my extremely long thoughts about my Own Personal Good Version of Firefly (with plenty of spoilers for the show and the movie) under the cut:

things that are getting axed first thing no question:

out with the whole “let’s add in a thin veneer of Chinese cultural aesthetics out of context for ~flavor~” deal. just no.

instead, let’s hire some actors from a bunch of different cultures and work with them to figure out how their characters would bring those cultures into space with them!! and also hopefully bring some experiences with immigration/alienation/travel into it, since the Whole Core of Firefly is about how humanity always brings our doomed and silly and stubborn and unique warmth with us even into the cold void where nothing is familiar or homey in the slightest.

let’s respect our sex worker character shall we?

i do appreciate that Inara’s work as a companion is described as legitimate and well respected in the show. however please stop having your captain and hero call her a wh*re every five seconds against her clearly expressed wishes and portraying this as just a totally acceptable thing

let’s be more respectful of our characters of color and also have some more diversity, shall we?

others have put it better than me but yeah, the way Zoe and Book are treated is very uncomfy, and the rest of the show is depressingly monochromatic. come on let’s do better.

stop the weird confederacy hat tips

again others have pointed these out with much more thoroughness than I could, but the names of some characters and locations, as well as some of the language used to describe the browncoats, has uncomfortably confederate vibes. instead i propose we very Clearly tip our hats to the Alliance equaling space capitalism instead! you can’t go wrong with space capitalism as a villain.

don’t! make! the! psychotic! character! violent!

listen i love River Tam with my whole heart. but you should absolutely not portray your only character with psychosis as violent because of that psychosis!!!!!!! and yeah, a huge part of her character is that her brain got fucked up by the alliance and so she hallucinates and is also a super ninja. but like. she doesn’t need to be a super ninja for her character to work, okay? the crew does not need to be scared of her for her character to work, okay??? more on this later bc it would take a lot of care and nuance to make her character work but i really think it can be done

things we are absolutely keeping:

found family tropes my fucking beloved

this should be self evident. this is why the show is as appealing as it is despite its flaws, at least in my eyes.

malcolm reynolds, the knight in dusty armor

there’s something so appealing to me about what Mal stands for. because at his core is this ridiculous, silly, stubborn, doomed devotion to what he thinks is important and right, a romantic idealism thinly covered by cynical cowboy platitudes that he thinks make his bleeding heart totally invisible. and he is so obvious and entirely incorrect. bless. this is a man who will do anything for his family, who charges into swordfights to defend his friend from a man who wants to turn her into an object despite having no clue how to hold a sword. at his worst, he starts brawls in bars just for the martyr’s thrill of being persecuted for supporting the right; at his best, he inspires downright religious belief from his crew because he represents a romantic and chivalrous and doomed dedication to the right thing over any practical concerns. and then he throws a “selfish” quip over it with 100% confidence that everyone fell for his clever distraction and believes him to be a dirtbag. he’s oblivious and ridiculous and god he makes me want to be a better person because he’s just so goddamned sincere. stupid, but sincere. 10/10 himbo. <3

Mal and Inara ultraslowburn friends to enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to friends to lovers to friends to...

there’s nothing i love more than a ship that’s just two people who know each other way too well, and they’re each the only one who knows the other well enough to call them out on their bullshit. the way Mal and Inara interact in the show sometimes makes me uncomfy but like. the core of their relationship has to stay.

space western aesthetic

i need the cows on a spaceship scene to stay like i need air okay

that sweet sweet religious shit

mal, who lost his faith in gd and a whole lot else during the war. who lost his faith in himself, and now feels he has to hide the part of him that still wants to be good, because he knows he can’t be anymore, and he feels like it’s embarrassing for a guy like him to want something so unattainable. who takes a preacher on board, and the preacher has lost something, too. the preacher has his own past, and his own questions. but not questions like the observant neurodivergent girl, the one who wants to interact with and understand this thing that’s so important to him, but it just doesn’t click with how her brain works and she feels like something needs to be fixed, either the Bible or herself. and Mal takes care of them all, and slowly, he begins to find gd again, not in a prayer but in humanity. humanity doesn’t need to be fixed, like the alliance thinks. the shining imperfect strawberry sweetness of it in his family’s smiles is something to be worshiped and served and devoted to. and he finds he has something to believe in again. (and his crew find that he’s given them someone to believe in, too. and maybe suddenly he’s a saint.)

and finally, my brilliant ideas as to what i would like to add:

TRANS WOMAN KAYLEE RIGHTS

listen her femininity is so important to me okay? it’s so thrilled about everything that’s pretty, from dresses to the spaceship’s electric innards, and it’s so non-traditional and grease stained until it’s not and it’s pink and ruffly and twirly, and she never sees any of it as a contradiction, because none of it contradicts, it’s all just her! her gender is warmth and love and prettiness, feeling pretty and appreciating the pretty and making her friends’ days pretty too.

i want us to find out she’s trans in that episode with the ball, and i want us to find out alongside Mal who just never asked or never realized. Kaylee gasps and squeals at the dress in the shop window and Mal makes an off handed, ill considered comment, and then... someone yanks him aside and hisses a few very significant words in his ear. and suddenly he remembers what the blue white and pink she painted all over the engine room means, and he knows he has something to make right. so he buys her that dress himself and lets her know just how pretty she looks, and when he walks into that ball with her displayed on his arm like something precious, he looks the proudest out of any man there. and she notices. for a few seconds, of course, until there’s chocolate, and ‘nara, and a chandelier—and some horrible girls, but she’s used to that, until—suddenly, she finds her people. a group of old men who light up when she jokes about compression coils and whack presumptuous boys who ask her to dance. they adopt her as a treasured granddaughter, and Mal is beaming at her like a proud dad, and she finds that one of her new elderly friends gazes a little too long at her bracelet, and so she gives it to xem and teaches xem a few new words, and... it’s a good day, huh? it’s a really good day. (of course, then the captain has to go and punch somebody in the face, but it was a real nice party up until then.)

also she and Simon are both transhet t4t im correct and you know it

time for a better River Tam

the first thing we’ve established is that this version of her is not unpredictably violent and the crew is not scared of her!!!! it makes no sense to take a kid who’s primarily brilliant, experiment on her brain, give her telepathic powers....... and tack on the fact that she also has super strength and speed and dexterity and what not, AND say that they programmed her to be super violent. no! no. not only is that extremely harmful rep, that’s also just stupid.

instead!! my version of River is in fact not terrifying to the crew, but is actually the one they feel safest around. River has always been totally blunt, she was one of those kids you could tell realllllly early was autistic, and she doesn’t like being disengenous at all. so you can always trust her to tell the truth and not play weird passive aggressive games or have any hidden agenda, which makes her just a really chill person to be around. also, one of her longtime special interests is music and dance, so whether or not she’s nonverbal on a given day, there will always be some sort of beautiful sound when she’s around. she does have the singing voice of a dying crow unfortunately but that’s ok bc Simon’s is even worse and they’re both incredibly competitive so you’ll at least get free entertainment out of the affair.

my version of River does have psychosis and hallucinations because of the trauma of the experiments, and they are really troubling to her. she and Simon work together to find ways to cope and meds that help, and it’s a process, but there are some things that help.

the only thing she gained from the academy was the ability to hear people’s thoughts and sense the future a little bit. and yeah, that led to her picking up a few spooky secrets at the beginning, which, yikes. and for a while, it was hard to figure out which voices were real and which were hallucinations. but around her friends, she always feels safe to ask “did you just think about triple cheese burritos or was that just a me thing?”, and they’ll always tell her the truth no matter how embarrassing their thoughts are, bc it’s important to all of them to respect her and help her sort accurately through what’s reality and what’s not. and bit by bit, she gets better and better at figuring out what kinds of things tend to be telepathy and what kinds of things tend to be psychosis, and that each one feels a little different. and because of the trust and respect and support of her found family she’s able to do that in a safe environment!!!

trans man Simon rights

listen i wanted to keep him as just a side note on Kaylee’s list but he is my son and he’s important to my heart so here goes

out on the outer rim where Kaylee’s from, gender ain’t much of a big deal, there’s an individualistic quality to life out there, and so if the trail you blaze is the trail of a woman or a man or neither or both, that’s respected even in the rare cases where it’s not outright encouraged. but in the inner planets, where competition and connections and public faces and family names are everything, you have to be what’s expected of you to survive. you can’t change your brand, you can’t be anything other than what your family planned for you since before you were born, it’s incredibly hard to survive in such a hyper competitive environment, and so your very identity becomes just a tool in how to market yourself for better success.

needless to say Simon (just as autistic as his little sister and also very trans) fuckin hated it there. but he was very good at it. correction: he was very good at his very specific field of STEM, good enough to where people stopped talking about how cute he looked in bows and started talking about how impressive his work was from a very young age. and his work had no gender. he could be whatever he wanted to in equations. so that was where he could express himself, and gd, he got so much praise for it, he never wanted to stop.

not until he discovered that his sister needed him, and ran away, and needed a disguise, and realized... suddenly, every stifling rule and prying eye was a million miles away. he was freefloating, freefalling, with none of the charted paths he’d been following all his life... so you know what? fuck it. he’s always enjoyed the name Simon. and since it’s not on any legal records, it’ll make him just that much more untraceable.

and on Serenity, starting over with new people who never knew him before his transition feels like an unbelievable blessing that just dropped right into his lap. he has to keep up the secrecy, he has to make sure they never find out who he used to be, because gd, it’s so nice when they look at him and say his name right, and he doesn’t know if he can handle losing that, not when it’s so new and so important to the person he’s finally becoming. but then one day, the unthinkable happens, the wanted posters for his arrest have an old name on them, they’re looking for the Tam sisters, and... nothing changes. the crew of Serenity could not give even a tenth of a percent of a fuck, and it doesn’t seem like they even know they’re supposed to. huh. that’s new. Simon could get used to that, he thinks.

i’m sure there’s more i could add, but it’s 4:30 in the morning now, so if more occurs to me, ill simply add it in a reblog tomorrow. if you’ve read down this far, i am in love with you. please let me know your Better Firefly ideas, too, bc im always down to yell about this show!!!

[mame-bean]

Basic summary of One Percent and some Rai headcanons!

One Percent is a soft romance and slice of life story that follows Rai Mamezuku, starting out during his school years and progressing through the early part of his adult life, with his adult years being the largest chunk of the ongoing story.

I do keep to the canon story in some aspects, such as his parents both being killed by WoU when he’s fourteen, but I’ve altered some things with the intention of giving him a happier and less lonely life.

I like the idea of him being taken in by Norisuke after the deaths of his parents, where the Higashikatas become like family to him. He respects Norisuke as a father figure, and becomes much like another older brother to Hato, Joshu, and especially little Daiya who he develops a very sweet relationship to. The romance aspect of this story is between Rai and Jobin, who have been close friends since they were eight (another divergence from canon because it makes more sense to me, considering they’re pretty much the same age and most likely would have gone to school together)

Aside from the Higashikatas being his new much larger family, and Jobin as his closest friend and love interest, he also makes friends with a girl named Sora as well as Yoshikage Kira. Sora is in the same class as he and Jobin, and dated Jobin just before the start of the main story with the hope of actually being noticed by Rai, but with no such luck. Despite her failed attempt to gain his interest romantically, she becomes a good friend to both him and Jobin. Though Kira is a few years younger, when they encounter him they discover that he, like them, is a stand user, which is what brings them together as eventual friends.

Of course, the story is a romance, and Rai and Jobin begin dating when Rai is fourteen (before his parents deaths), they stay together through high school and after graduation. When Rai is about to turn twenty is when Jobin decides to take the risk and buy a home for the both of them (a lovely villa in the countryside, close to the mountain that Rai works on) and proposes to him the first day he brings him to their surprise new home. 💕

I have quite a few personal headcannons for Rai that come into play during the story and are a big part of how I interpret his character and personality. It’s pretty clear to me that he’s neurodivergent, likely somewhere on the autism spectrum (like me), so I hint at some of his quirks, triggers, and struggles throughout the story and how Jobin learns all of these things, how to understand him, comfort him, and work with him.

I also headcannon him as being a demiromantic asexual. As an aromantic asexual myself it feels like a very possible orientation for him to me based on his character and temperament. Based on what we know about him it can definitely be assumed that he’s never been in a relationship in canon, nor does he seem to have any romantic or sexual interests, being that he’s kept almost entirely to himself for at least 14 years, lol. So, asexual? It’s definitely possible. I based the demiromantic part on what he expresses of his relationships to other people. Rai doesn’t trust people and refuses to engage with people until he decides they’re trustworthy. Once they’ve gained his trust, he’s exceedingly loyal and becomes attached to them, as he does with Josuke. If he’s like this when it comes to friendships, it’s safe to say he would be even more cautious when it comes to romantic relationships, and it is unlikely that he would experience romantic attraction until he built a very close friendship with a person first.

Rai’s personality in One Percent-

I tried to keep pretty close to his canon personality, just expanding on it. So, in the story, he’s fairly awkward and antisocial towards most people. He typically seems almost perpetually grumpy and unimpressed with everything and everyone, never smiles or laughs (at least not quite like most people), and feels unapproachable to most. He struggles to connect with others, has a hard time communicating his emotions, and is often misunderstood as being rude and uncaring. In reality, he’s quite sensitive and requires encouragement and validation from the few he trusts. He can be stubborn, arrogant, logical to a fault, and difficult to fully understand his true intentions, all of which make him a challenge to work with and befriend, especially when combined with his naturally suspicious nature and distrust towards people in general.

But these things are only a fraction of him, and once his trust has been earned he shows much more of his deeper traits. He’s incredibly loyal, willing to do anything for those he loves, even die for them. He will stand by his loved ones even if there is nothing for him to gain from it personally, even if he doesn’t fully understand... if it’s important to them, it’s important to him, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. He is honest and observant, you never have to worry or wonder about how he thinks or feels about something, and he’s never the type to lie or be manipulative, he’ll always be straightforward and genuine. You can trust him with anything, and he’s a good friend to go to for advice since he’s very smart and logical (just... don’t go to him if you’re only wanting someone to tell you what you want to hear and spare you the hard truth, lol). Rai loves deeply when he finds people that he considers his friends and family, and though he isn’t very expressive about it with his words, he conveys his love with his actions. He loves to cook for his friends, making their favorites often, and tends to express himself through giving them gifts and making things for them. He is quite thoughtful and enjoys doing nice and helpful things for the people he cares about. Because of his observant nature and great memory and attention to detail, he is fantastic at remembering “the little things” about people. He’ll remember all the little things someone likes and dislikes, their favorite colors, shows, books, foods, their favorite flower, whether they get cold easy or if they’re uncomfortable with a specific sound or texture, everything. He can tell exactly how someone is feeling just by looking at them, nothing gets passed him. All of these traits make him a friend to really treasure, because friends like him truly are difficult to find, so his friendship is well worth the effort. 💕

Though Rai is fairly antisocial, he’s certainly not shy. He’s self-confident and can be very chatty, especially when it comes to any of his special interests. He is authentically himself, and entirely unapologetic about it. He tends to be quite chill and laid back, with an energy level on the low side. Too much chaos and drama exhausts him quickly, so he avoids it as much as possible, and tends to dislike people who are overly emotional or dramatic. He likes to take life at a slower pace, which is why he finds joy in nature and the “simpler” pleasures of life, such as gardening, cooking, reading, sewing, crafting... he’s just a peaceful soul, and would prefer the world around him to be that way as much as possible.

It’s obvious that he loves nature and plants, but he also gets along well with animals and enjoys taking care of them. He can connect with and understand animals better than people most of the time, and finds comfort knowing that animals don’t judge him or misunderstand him the way that humans do. He keeps cows and chickens that forage freely on the mountain, and has one special chicken in particular that he and Jobin keep as a pet at their home. Why special? Well, because she has a stand! I’ll tell more about Pita and her stand, “How Bizarre,” another time. 🐓💕

So anyway, if you actually read through this far I am glad that someone out there is as big of a fan of Rai as I am and hope you enjoyed my headcanons, and maybe you’ll enjoy my fanfic One Percent 🥰

[mcrmadness]

14, 24, 40?

Sorry, it took me way too long with this reply but I never forget about it, so here it finally is! It didn't say, but I assume these were for that Arospec ask game.

---

14. Have you ever had a crush / squish / hush / etc. ?

I was 17 when I first heard about asexuality, and already on my early 20s when I finally found out there are also romantic orientations. I'm not exactly sure when did I figure out I'm also aromantic (back then asexuality was basically defined as sex-repulsion + no interest in sex nor romantic relationships).

And I'm telling this^ because when I was growing up, the amatonormativity and heteronormativity was just HUGE and everywhere. So I also had crushes, but I'm not exactly sure even today what they were. Probably aesthetic? Because I never had anything to do with those crushes. Once I choose a crush for myself because I had none and wanted to talk about "boys" with my cousin because she had a crush, so I just went through my class photo and chose the least annoying option from there.

In total I had... 5 crushes between the ages 7 and 16. The most at once was two crushes when I was 13. The longest one lasted for over 3 years and I never even spoke to him. And I always felt like running away screaming if I felt he noticed me and looked at me for too long time.

I was 17 when I started experiencing 'crushes' on online friends and for a moment thought I was "asexual bi", as I used to call myself. But I think those were actually ADHD/neurodivergent person hyperfixations. So I no longer count them as crushes, I just enjoyed being around those people so much my brain thought it was something else.

I'm not sure if I'm aplatonic. I can't really understand platonic attraction. But I'm definitely a loveless aro, I don't understand love in any form, at all. Not even platonic love. Or at least I don't experience it, afaik. (It's again the same question as with any type of attraction: how do I know if I have ever felt it if I don't know how it feels like?)

-

24. Would you like to be flirted with?

If it comes from a total stranger? No. Sexual flirting from just anyone is an even bigger NO. People doing either type of flirting just to a camera is enough to make me highly uncomfortable.

But with friends? Well... yes and no. It depends a lot. When people do that as a joke, it's sometimes okay, but only from some people, and only if the mood is right. Like, I do like the feeling of being included, you know? It's just quite tricky because when you say that you're aromantic and romance-repulsed, then people who do respect that, won't say anything even jokingly as they know or think it might upset you, but sometimes watching everyone else around you do this leads to the feels of 3rd- or 4th- or 5th- or 10th-whatsoever-wheeling and makes the existing loneliness even stronger. But sometimes some light joke flirt can feel good as it's like... "they know I would never date anyone actually but it's still heartwarming to know that they care about me enough to joke about dating me". And this when everyone knows it's just playful banter and nothing serious.

I remember we sometimes had something like this going on with a group of online friends where people formed joke couples and it was all just fun and games, and you will never catch me starting such jokes. I barely can even tell a friend I care about them, let alone go that far that I would even start joke flirting. Like, that just does not fit my character at all, but I guess me always being so chill is the reason why also other people think I find such things always uncomfortable and in every situation, when in reality nothing is ever black&white.

-

40. Are you out as arospec?

Yes and no. I don't really believe in the closet so I don't consider that I'm in a closet. I just am who I am and it's not really anyone else's business to know what is my relationship status - or the lack of it since I have never even tried being in a relationship! :D If I know that someone I'm talking to is positive about LGBT+ stuff, then I don't have a problem saying it out loud. But with everyone else it's more like "if you haven't noticed anything by now, then I guess you don't deserve to even know". As I'm 30 and never have had a partner nor a desire to have one.

The only red flag for me is when a person asks me "Do you have a boyfriend?" just because I'm AFAB (and agender which is even more difficult to explain to anyone...), then I know for sure that I'm not gonna say anything else but "No." because the chances of them being against LGBT+ is much higher than someone's who doesn't assume heteronormativity on everyone based on just their outer appearance, and I have better things to do than to argue with people over things they know absolutely nothing of.

Thanks for the ask, and I'm really sorry for taking THIS long with my answer!!!

[blxxdyvalentine19xx]

I lost my dick 🍆

Mod Sun x Fenix (ftm character)

Warnings: light smut, swearing, mentions of ice dick.

**I almost named myself Fenix when I came out as ftm in high school, I found it cool that Fenix is the name of a character in Downfalls High**

Fenix was frantically searching across every possible space in his boyfriend's house that he could have possibly left his packer. Being neuro divergent and a trans male made for interesting times and weird phrases. "For fucks sake! Where the hell did I leave it this time?" He half growled; looking up when he felt Derek's hands on his shoulders. "What?"

"Take a breath and chill out for a second" Derek ran his hands over Fenix's shoulders lightly and brought his boyfriend into a hug. "What did you loose this time?" He asked softly; carding a hand through his boyfriend's hair.

Swallowing his pride; Fenix shook his head, hiding it in Derek's hoodie. "I lost my dick" he mumbled quietly; slipping his arms around the taller man's neck.

The fact that his boyfriend is transgender excaped his mind, so the sentence caught him of guard "how...what...huh?" His brows furrowed in thought as he tipped Fenix's head up. "How in the hell..." Derek hesitated; "are you high?"

Fenix punched Derek's shoulder lightly; rolling his eyes and grinning. "Not high just trans" he teased; kissing his boyfriend's cheek. "I really don't know where I left it this time" Fenix rarely broke composure enough to ask Derek; asking his boyfriend was a last ditch effort.

"Oh right, you're not cis" Derek smiled as Fenix punched at his shoulder. "Of course you don't" he kissed the man's forehead and thought for a moment. "Did you look in the freezer? You've found it there before." Derek's hand grazed over the small of Fenix's back.

Hanging his head; Fenix sighed and shook his head. "Don't remind me; I still don't know how that happened." He blushed before slipping out of Derek's arms. "But yes, I did check the freezer" even then there was a good chance he probably looked right at it and missed it.

Colson was over at Mod's working on a few songs with his friend when he made a bee line to the freezer after a popsicle. "For God's sake" he said when he looked up; met with a very realistic but silicone looking dick. "Fenix, think I found your dick, buddie" Colson ruffled a hand through his own unruly bleach blonde hair.

Looking up from the piece he was working on; Fenix blinked a few times, his tongue in his cheek as he let go of a defeated groan. "You probably did, I kind of lost it." He mumbled, looking at the rapper. "At least I know where it is now"

Hearing what Colson said; Derek chuckled and smiled. "That seems to be a regular thing now, isn't the first time." He texted out a message to Fenix reading 'leave it, might be of use later 💦'

"Somehow I believe you Mod" Colson shrugged and got himself a blue raspberry popsicle and Mod a green one, he needed a sugar fix and this would have to suffice.

Reading the text his boyfriend sent him; Fenix's eyes drew up towards his boyfriend. Raising an eyebrow; he shook his head flipping Derek the bird. "Maybe, depending on time that is" Fenix grinned as he jumped from the stool he was sat on and went over to Derek. "You dirty little fucker" he mumbled into the man's ear as he ran his hands into Derek's hair.

"Trust when I say I'll make time" Derek hummed; slipping a hand into the back pocket of Fenix's jeans. "Not my fault it feels good taking it up the ass." He mumbled into a kiss and squeezed his boyfriend's ass. "May as well take advantage of the unconventional idea"

Coming back In after a successful day in the studio; Derek smiled as he found Fenix on the couch focused on an episode of 'Shameless'. "Hey" he mumbled; slipping his arms around Fenix's neck from behind.

"Hey Der" he nuzzled close to Derek's arm. "What's up?" Fenix kissed Derek's wrist and looked up at his boyfriend. Pausing the show in the process.

"Mm a little horny" Derek's hand wrapped around his boyfriend's throat as he kissed Fenix. "Mind taking the top tonight?" He asked; nipping at the man's lip.

Mumbling something under his breath; Fenix hummed as Derek's grip tighted a little. "Not at all, baby" he kissed back and cupped the back of Derek's head. "Bedroom" Fenix caught a breath once Derek let go and bit his lip.

He nodded and let go of a breath as Fenix looked at him; the man's blue eyes dark in contrast to usual. Derek had found himself being more comfortable lately with not being as in control and reveled in how Fenix was able to make him love being submissive.

Letting the cold metal ball of his tongue ring dip into Derek's belly button; Fenix grinned as Derek was already writhing under him from being teased. "Barely touched you and you're a sweet mess already, baby"

"C'mere" Derek half whined; kissing Fenix lightly and humming into it as the man looked at him. "Do us both the favour and please fuck me" he mumbled into another kiss and squeezed at Fenix's shoulders as his (Derek's) boyfriend eased into him gently.

Biting back a blush; Fenix had the instinct to hide in his boyfriend's neck as Derek let out a sound between a moan and a hiss.

"No, no, you're not hiding" Derek spoke between a moan and a shiver. "Look at me, right here" he pulled his boyfriend's head back up and grinned as Fenix's cheeks were pink with a blush. "I don't care, you know it's of no difference to me, I love you and can't get enough of how you make me feel"

Feeling Derek's hand return to his neck; fenix nodded and kissed his boyfriend. "I know that" he mumbled and ended up somewhat laughing when Derek effortlessly rocked his hips and pulled him (Fenix) forward. Taking it as a cue to move; Fenix rolled his hips slowly.

Arching his hips; Derek bit his lip letting himself relax and focus on both the cold and the gentle rocking of Fenix's hips. "Fucking hell, yes" his breath shook as Fenix kissed him softly.

Hiding his face in the pillow; Fenix ended up throwing it at Derek as the latter peppered him in kisses and grinned basically praising him. "Not bad for me not being a top" he mumbled and trapped his boyfriend in a cuddle.

"You do alright for being a bottom" Derek kissed Fenix and ran his hand up the his boyfriend's back. "You get in your head too much about not thinking you're enough" he whispered; looking at Fenix who gave him a warning look.

"Force of habit" Fenix whispered back hearing Derek's words. "I always worry about not being enough" he raked his fingers along his boyfriend's chest and sighed. "You're so damned chill about it and I don't know how not to be worried about all the things I know won't happen" Fenix nuzzled close to Derek and smiled as he was pulled upwards so he was laying on top of his boyfriend.

Derek pulled Fenix on top of him and shifted so he was comfortable. "You're more than all that, baby" his hands ghosted the tonic Fenix's thighs. "You make me realize who my own insecurities are small compared to what you go through every day" Derek's finger ghosted the tattoo of what he now realized was the beach they went to on their first official date.

Fenix watched as Derek thumbed the tattoo on his (Fenix's) leg. "Got it after we called it a night, kells did it for me." He smiled and covered his eyes as Derek kissed it. "That's why it has your logo in the middle" Fenix relaxed when Derek looked up at him.

"I recognize my boy's work, he did a good job of it" Derek smiled up at Fenix and slipped a hand under his head. "I like it, you seemed like you felt free that day" he let his messy hair cover his eyes as Fenix's fingers ran through it. "He sees you like a little brother" Derek spoke and stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend. "He threatened to beat my ass if I fucked it up that night"

"He's done a few of mine actually" Fenix said; whilst playing with his boyfriend's hair. "Kells did this one the day I started T" he took Derek's hand and ran one of his boyfriend's finger along his (Fenix's) waist. "He said it's supposed to remind me what it took for me to get that far."

Definitions:

Packer: (silicone penis used by some frm transgender individuals, simillar to a dildo and can be used sexually if so desired)

Neurodivergent: an atypical neurological configuration, for example a person who has a developmental disorder and/or a mental illness. 

Cis: cisgendered - someone who is assigned male\female and identifies with their assigned gender.

[lifeisbooksandcats]

Just lil autistic things from when I was a child.

As an autistic adult (29 years old) (not professionally diagnosed, but something I’ve thought about myself for the past 12 years and just recently something I’ve spent far too much of my free time researching and I honestly do think that I am), I look back at my childhood with the thought of “WHY didn’t ANY adult in my life see any of this as ‘not normal’ and try to HELP me??”

- I was very advanced in some areas, mostly reading and writing; I was reading independently by the age of about 2 and a half/3. From the time I started kindergarten, I was always reading “far above grade level”. The first Harry Potter book came out when I was in second grade and I was just one of 3 kids between the two second grade classes at my school who had a high enough reading level for that to be independent reading. For writing, I have always always always, my entire life, been able to express my thoughts better on paper than verbally. I’ve always enjoyed writing. I would write essays upon essays about things I liked for no other reason than I just wanted to. Being alone with a book or something to write with was my happy place.

- My first real total and complete meltdown (that I can remember at least) (which my mom says was the start of my ‘very real anxiety problem’ (which she apparently noticed but literally never did anything to help me??? But that’s for another post another time.)) was when I was about 5(ish). We lived with my grandparents at the time, and my grandparents and I went to Florida to visit my aunt and uncle. My sister and mom stayed home. While we were gone, there was a fire that destroyed my grandparents’ house. My mom and sister and our dogs got out, but our cats died in the fire. So we get home from vacation, our house is gone, our cats are gone, we have to stay with a neighbor (who smoked and her house always smelled like cigarettes and I just remember the smell making me so sick to my stomach constantly) while the house is being fixed/rebuilt, our dogs are boarded at the vets office because we can’t have them in the neighbor’s apartment...we left for vacation and everything was normal, we get back and EVERYTHING is different, so obviously I’m already on edge.. we went to go visit our dogs and take them on a walk, and I kept turning around to make sure our car was still there..we went around a corner, so the next time I turned around I couldn’t see our car anymore and I had a full on MELTDOWN. I threw myself to the ground, I cried hysterically, and my family just chuckled and said I was dramatic and overreacting and the car was just around the corner. Did I overreact? I mean absolutely. Looking back, I can see how my reaction to not being able to see the car anymore was...a lot. Given the exact same circumstances, would a neurotypical child have reacted the exact same way? I don’t know. I don’t think so.

- I HATED the feel of paper. Oh my god I hated it. Even now as an adult, if I’ve had an incredibly long day or if I’m tired, I still sometimes can’t bring myself to touch it. I used to wear long sleeves constantly (or keep a sweatshirt nearby if I had short sleeves on) so I could pull my sleeves over my hand when I had to write so I wouldn’t feel the paper. I don’t know how to explain it, but the feel of paper would make my skin crawl. Even the tiniest bit of my skin touching it would send a chill down my back and I felt like I could “hear” the way it felt and the “sound” hurt my ears. In high school, I HATED going to history or science class not because I didn’t like the subject (I didn’t enjoy history, but I loved my science classes), but because the thought of having to touch the pages in the textbook made me nauseous.

- While *most* of the time I could handle listening to the car radio, there were times especially if I had had a long day, or was stressed or overwhelmed that I literally could NOT listen to the radio because I didn’t know what order the songs were going to play in. We spent a lot of time in the car listening to the same 3 cassette tapes again and again. I had a blue SanDisk MP3 player that idk if it was defective or what, but the songs ALWAYS played in the same order. If you hit shuffle, the first song to play would be a random one, but it would always play the same song after that one. I found comfort in knowing if X is playing, I know Y is next and Z is after that.

- My sister and I shared a bedroom (we had bunk beds) and she had a fan the clipped onto the rungs of the ladder of the bunk bed and the sound of the fan...the vibration of it against the wooden ladder... it HURT my ears. There would be nights I would cry and cry because I couldn’t sleep because my ears were hurting so bad because of the fan. Any time I would turn it off, my mom would get so mad at me. I remember her telling me “your sister needs the fan in order to sleep!” I would respond that I couldn’t sleep because of the sound, and she would tell me to grow up and get over it because I was the older one. And my sister would snore just a little bit, not super loudly, but loud enough that it distracted me from falling asleep. I would be so tired and frustrated, all I wanted was for her to “stop breathing so loudly”..

- I was annoying/bossy about playing games. I needed to know the rules and needed everyone to follow the rules. And if someone broke the rules, I remember sternly telling my friends “that’s NOT how you play”, if they broke the rules again, I didn’t want to play that game with them anymore. Way too often, I would tell my friends they were playing wrong. Even games we would make up, I had to know the rules and everyone HAD TO play CORRECTLY.

- I’ve always kept some sort of music player with me at basically all times - from a cassette player, to a CD player, to an MP3 player, to an iPod, to an iPod video, to my phone... and when the world was too loud (ESPECIALLY on the school bus or in the cafeteria) I could just put headphones in and listen to music and escape from the world being too much.

- My parents got my ears pierced when I was a baby; even as a toddler I remember HATING them being pierced. I hated the way they felt, I hated how they felt too tight on my ears, I hated the weight of them, even just little studs, I could FEEL them, I was constantly aware of them and I didn’t like it.. and I couldn’t take them out. I remember being told “but you’re a GIRL and the earrings are PRETTY!” I remember the relief I felt when I learned that if you played a sport at school you weren’t allowed to have earrings in. I remember signing up for soccer in third grade JUST BECAUSE I would get to take my earrings out, and just the joy/relief I felt not having to wear them. And I haven’t worn them again since third grade.

- I used to organize my and my sister’s CDs and cassettes obsessively. Alphabetical order by artist or band name, and in order by the year they came out. At least once a week I would have to check to make sure everything was still in order. I did the same with my books on my bookshelf. They had to be organized. And they had to be organized CORRECTLY.

- I HATED the feeling of my toes touching each other. Oh my god I hated it so much. Any time I had shoes on, I HAD TO wear toe socks so they wouldn’t be directly touching. It made me feel physically ill, anxious, uncomfortable. I cannot even put into words how much I absolutely hate hate HATED the feeling of my toes touching each other. Which I know is the weirdest thing to have that kind of a reaction to, but..possibly a sign that something was up in my lil childhood neurodivergent af brain.

[scientistowengottlieb-newtkelly]

Thoughts and feelings about Pacific Rim 2?

you sure you wanna open up that particular can of worms?

movie review time! be warned i'm not in a good mood as i am shaking in pain, however this review would have been scathing regardless. and none of this is to say pacific rim is perfect, it's not, but... aye, i have no words for the world of difference there. oh wait! i do:

so. first and foremost, i hate it. as both a movie and a sequel. did i find it entertaining? yes, mildly, so i suppose it did its job, however the only thing that keeps me watching it is because, simply, it's part of the pacific rim franchise whether we like it or not. therefore, i squeeze as much salvageable content from it as i can, such as how one might analyze the precursors, how we are to view hermann and newt as characters pre-, during, and post-uprising, what we are to expect from drifting (though this one i take with a grain of salt, there is a whole other rant preserved for the joke of an attempt to develop that shit within the movie)

one of my biggest issues with pacific rim is really simple: it plays out like DeKnight did not watch the first fucking movie or was scrolling through twitter while doing it and decided he'd make a cash grab since the first one was relatively popular. "haha the kaiju were going for mount fuji the whole time!!" bitch no they weren't!!! why the fuck did they end up anywhere near sydney, australia, then!!! why did they turn tail on places like manila and san fran instead of heading straight for japan!!! WHY DID THE ONE THAT WAS IN JAPAN NOT SUCCEED, THERE'S NO WAY WITH THOSE MARK 1 JAEGERS THEY'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REASONABLY FIGURE OUT THEIR PLAN AND WHERE THEY WERE GOING IN TIME TO STOP THEM!!! newt literally lays out what they are doing in the first movie and they completely ignored that!!! not to mention, if the destruction from elements found in mount fuji would have been enough to terraform the earth, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST FUCKING DO THAT WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY ON EARTH AGES AGO??? THERE WERE VOLCANOES WITH THOSE SAME ELEMENTS BEFORE RIGHT NOW, VOLCANOES ARE NOT A RELATIVELY NEW THING EARTH CREATED SUDDENLY AND I WOULD IMAGINE NEITHER ARE THOSE ELEMENTS!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! and.... okay the fucking drones. how did those bitches make breaches??? we know the breach is some result of precursor/kaiju technology, apparently they know the breach's atomic structure as hermann said in the first movie, but how tf some kaiju organs and tech from earth only is ALL it takes to open a breach... illudes and confuses me... why were no more breaches made by the precursors once they realized how long and how many resources it was taking to kill the humans off??? if it's??? shit they could do with simple earth materials + their own biology??? they could have ended things much faster??? shit just doesn't add up, idk, that was Vague and Annoyed Me

and the jaegers.... were....... strange? the fight scenes were so underwhelming, i could count on one hand the number of maneuvers—NOT SCENES, MANEUVERS—i thought were badass and moved well. their fighting was confusing and paced really weird and some of the moves they pulled... don't... work like that... like some of those scenes were just hand-to-hand combat but in big robot form and they didn't sit right with me at all.

and the characters......... oh my word, the characters. look: i love jake pentecost with all of my heart and soul and john boyega's beautiful acting just barely saves the movie from its poor writing. i do love him as a character. but can someone explain to me why in the world they thought it was a good idea to make the only black guy a black market thief/runner, deep-record criminal with daddy and authority issues, and who they dare try to play off as some kind of lazy??? they made him every stereotype they could and said "yeah let's go with that". i'm- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and what was with the child soldiers??? ROBOCOPS?????? mako....... character assassination at its worst........ my baby......... but the movie was paced so GOD DAMN POORLY I GOT BORED AND LITERALLY MISSED HER DYING THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED IT. and i couldn't tell you the names of half of those poor damn kids, i really couldn't. and can i also say they killed off one of the only two darker skinned kids?? like y'all???? the other darker skinned kids (one of the children i can't remember the names of because it was uttered ONCE in the entire movie or some shit) didn't even GET characterization. my whole heart goes out to her and those other underdeveloped fucks. speaking of...... i am ashamed about jules. from the movie that brought us the mako mori test, they threw in a girl simply for the sake of some shitty, awkward, and unexplained love triangle between jake and White Angst without much else to put to her name. she deserved better. amara was... a decent shot, but very hit or miss because of the writing. i, personally, am very neutral about her leaning towards liking her, but i know people who swing love and who swing hate. liwen was like,,,, they tried really hard to make her unlikable at the beginning because "oh no, she must be the villain! GOTTEM plot twist!!!" and then suddenly she's no longer. threatening everyone except newt. idk i feel like they leaned to heavily one way and i got whiplash when she's actually another but there was nothing to... portray that. at all. i do like her character, and that says a lot because they got me to sympathize with a capitalist without actually regretting it later, but there could/should have been More there. she was powerful, though, in multiple different aspects, and we saw that from her CONSISTENTLY and i 😳🥵👀💕 mako mori test pass for her

now, let's talk about hermann (and by extention, newton, however he'll be getting a section all his own the rat bastard). that man is one of the single instances of decent cross-movie characterization i saw in the whole god damn film. the idea that he takes on newton's roles, that he is more outspoken for himself, that he is just slightly more unhinged after his drift with newton: THAT is on point. he's himself, you can see it, you still know that he's hermann with ever step, but there's something that has shifted in him in those 10 years and it's good without being too much. the "i still get nightmares" scene, the way he presents himself, that scene gives me chills because god bless burn gorman and his acting ability. every face and intonation of his voice is just wonderful and i think his performance was great for what he was given. king shit.

the biggest disappointment of my life came in the form of a kaiju vest wearing bitch at work. at his corporate job. as a boss. for a tech company that undermines all of his and, frankly, hermann's work over their lifetimes. 10 years older and exaggerated to the teeth. newton "move you fascist" geiszler. let me preface this by stating for all to see that i do not hate the idea of newton being the villain. story wise it was a bold move and there was something possible there. BUT THE IMPLICATION THAT ONE OF THE MOST OBVIOUSLY NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS HAVING A "BORDERLINE MANIC PERSONALITY" AKA HAVING ONE OF THE MOST DEMONIZED MENTAL ILLNESSES OUT THERE, ENDS UP ACTING AS THE GOD DAMN VILLAIN OF THE STORY IS A HOT GARBAGE TAKE WHEN YOU FACTOR IN THINGS LIKE POOR WRITING NOT MAKING IT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT NEWTON IS EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN FACULTIES AND THE VAGUENESS OF "WILL HE BE 'REDEEMED' OR NOT" BEING UP IN THE AIR LIKELY NEVER TO BE CANONICALLY FUCKING ANSWERED BECAUSE BECKHAM AND DEKNIGHT SHAT OUT A MOVIE THAT BOMBED IN THE BOX OFFICE. we aren't even gonna TALK about the fact that this bitch got AWAY with it despite not even acting in a remotely stable way comparable to himself in the first movie in the 10 years he supposedly dropped off the map from all of his friends because, clearly, hermann hadn't seen him or he wouldn't be so excited with a picture of the two of them on his desk, nor would he have to tell newton about his idea for rocket thrusters with kaiju blood fuel because he would have simply written to him about it. for some strange reason people see his ass show up decked out in a suit he wouldn't even wear for Stacker Fucking Pentecost and a behavior of "Haha Gotta Listen To The Boss" and think "ah, yes, well, time changes a person. THIS BITCH HAS APPARENTLY BEEN LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME, YOU THINK HE GOT A JOB WITH LIWEN LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE HE DID BEFORE AND THERE WAS A SHIFT OVER TIME? NO, HE HAD TO HAVE CHANGED IN A SPLIT DECISION AND LIED ABOUT HIMSELF THROUGH HIS TEETH AND NO ONE CONTACTED HIM, OR WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM, OR DECIDEDLY THOUGHT "YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE EMBOLDENED THAT HE SAVED THE WORLD, BUT I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HIM AND HE WOULD DO HIS BEST TO AMPLIFY HIS CURRENT STANDING TRAITS. LISTENING TO AND KISSING THE BOOT OF AUTHORITY FIGURES? DIVORCING HIMSELF FROM HIS WORK WITH KAIJU XENOBIOLOGY THAT EVEN HERMANN PICKED UP? TO BECOME THE THING HE HATES? AND FOR WHAT? MONEY? FAME? BITCH WHO ARE YOU?" unreasonable. ridiculous attempt to do this just for a plot twist that was underwhelming at best. i've decided to stick to the fan theory that he was not in control 99% of the time but literally that movie causes such a hellfire path to appear in my wake as i think about it because i know people who don't take it like that and think newt wants what's happening because "haha horny kaiju man" and i wish to scream at the top of my lungs because this is exactly WHY you CANNOT spare ANY EXPENSE to the GOOD, PROPER, INTRICATE directing and writing of a character who is neurodivergent and also ONE OF THE CENTERS OF NOT JUST THE MOVIE YOU'RE WRITING, BUT THE FUCKING MOVIE AFTER THAT. i could go on but i sincerely don't fucking want to, despite how long i've been waiting for someone to willingly hear me out on all of this. all i'll say is if by some miracle they are greenlit for a third film and deknight's working on it and i see ANY sign of a bury your gays end for newt, i'm going to commit the first hate crime against a cishet white male.

to end, the only valid kaiju in that movie was the mega-kaiju, i don't remember the appearance or the names of the three that got through the breaches but the mega-kaiju could kill me and i'd die happy 🥰 beautiful design, that scale comparison when it came face to face with newt? amazing, chills, *chef's kiss* there are exactly two things i liked about uprising and that bitch is one of them.

sorry if this isn't what you wanted, but as i said i am in a bit of a bad mood and have been curled up in bed trying not to think that i'm dying and i've repressed all of this for a couple months now and very few people have actually heard PORTIONS of my frustration so. here it is.

[salty-donut-collecter]

Why Not?

Part Twenty-Three 

Twenty-Two      {Masterlist}     Twenty-Four

Chapter Word Count: 1638

Trigger Warnings: This is a very dramatic chapter honestly, so uhh

People get hurt, yelling, crying, mentions of neurodiversity 

Please tell me if I need to tag anything else :)

*Also, I’m planning on having this story as a slow burn, so please be prepared :)

Prompts: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m feeling a lot of  it.”, and “Not to dictate your life, but drop your shitty friends.”

A/N: Okay, so this gets... interesting. I'm not going to tell you how things go in the future, but know that this is a very dramatic turn and I guess I just wanted to warn you a bit before I posted it. I'll answer questions as long as it doesn't spoil anything, so feel free to ask away

Happy reading! (Also, feel free to comment your thoughts! I love reading comments :))

Also, if you’d like to be added to the tags list, please let me know! :D

      _____________________________________________________

You walked down the stairs seeing red, your eyes probably glowing as you couldn't help but hear the numerous amounts of thoughts running through everyone's heads. Complete focus wasn't there. The world blurred, mixed with reds and blacks. Accents of sunlight making everything feel like the Greybeyond from Lord of The Rings after Frodo had put the ring on.

When you get to the living room, you don't stop. The room quiets as everyone starts to stare. Within moments, you have a full room of eyes on you. Their thoughts won't stop, they're clouding your mind like smoke in a strip club.

Through all the noise, you heard Steve speak.

"Y/n, what're you--" his voice was low, like he was talking to an enemy, so you had no moral conflict in interrupting him.

"All of your kids are neurodivergent, and are currently suffering." You practically growled, "And yet you guys are continuing to argue so LOUD without ANY consideration for your children-- the children you chose to adopt and take care of." you spit, your hands balling into fists.

You saw Bucky's face go pale. He glanced at the exit.

A dry chuckle escaped your lips. "You really think they want to see you? After everything they've just listened to?" another sarcastic huff. "Why don't we settle this somewhere they won't hear you?"

Snap.

Your hand was still up when Steve's shield hit your face. Your jaw dislocated-- or maybe it broke. You weren't quite sure. Either way, you took your hand, which was still in its previous position of post-snapping, and used it to relocate your jaw. Seconds later it was healed.

"I'd like to say I'm a very sympathetic person, Steve," You took a breathe, still overwhelmed by the overlapping voices that were composed of everyone's thoughts, "That's why I'm maintaining my composure."

Another breath. You blink.

"However, becoming unhinged and attacking me out of nowhere won't do anyone any good for multiple reasons." you frowned, "I figured, since you'd been the one to teach Maverick that, that you too would understand the concept." your frown deepened, "But I guess being wrong is today's family trend." you sigh.

The place you'd transported everyone wasn't actually real. Technically, they were all still in the living room, passed out. Would you tell them that yet? No, but it helped when you thought about Steve throwing his shield at you thinking it'd actually do anything to you. He had seen you fight, after all.

So yes, instead of actually attempting to teleport them anywhere (which was only something you'd thought you might be able to do), you made it look like you'd teleported them to Château du Guildo, Créhen, France. They were awkwardly standing in the ruins' courtyard during a chill, starry night.

You made things as realistic as possible to evade any suspicion. However, Tony, who was just wearing a tee-shirt, was almost shakey with his arms crossed because you hacked into everyone's hypothalamus (which controls how you feel temperature--Bruce had you learn the known parts of the brain to make your job "easier") so they could feel their surroundings. You used to do things like this for HYDRA as a method of torture, but you tried not to let those types of thoughts enter your mind right now. You didn't need that. You needed to stay focused and concrete.

The more you thought about the way Katie looked at you as you looked

Around at the people your siblings called parents, the more your anger started to boil.

"Now that we have you out of the house," you forced yourself to calm down a little, rubbing the very realistic pain that was still present in your cheek, "What in the fucking UNIVERSE WAS THAT ABOUT?!" You didn't quite scream, but you wanted to--oh how you wanted to.

The so-called Avengers just looked down for a moment.

Then, of course, Steve fucking spoke up.

"Well," he looked around at his teammates, which apparently didn't include you anymore. What a shame. "Some of us don't think you should be... included on the team anymore."

A laugh, one that was so dry and sarcastic, it almost became real, left your lips. "That's rich." You chuckled, wiping a fake tear from your eye.

"Y/n, they're serious." Tony gave you a concerned dad look.

Your semi-forced smile dropped, "I know how serious he is, Tony." You Looked over to Sam, already knowing he was probably on Steve's side. He always was, after all, "They think I'm still controlled by HYDRA. They think I'm a double agent."

Sam stepped up, "HYDRA has nothing to do with this."

Vision chimed in for a moment, "Y/n, we think you're... unstable." he looked at you with a sincerity that no one else seemed capable of, "We only wish to expand your mental stability in order to prevent more outburst that could possibly cause harm towards others. Particularly Katie, and her siblings."

Tony stepped up, now just as angry as he probably was before, "Y/n wouldn't lay a finger on that girl and you know it!" he furiously spat, his hands shaking as he angrily pointed a finger at Vision.

"Tony, we're not saying she'd want to do anything." Steve seemed desperate to make Tony understand, you realized he'd probably been trying all night and getting nowhere. "No one in their right mind would want to hurt that little girl, but--"

"And when was the last time Y/n was in the wrong mindset?" Pietro asked, stepping up to Steve boldly, "When was the last time she did anything without a reason?" he asked, his arms disdainfully swinging at his sides.

Rhodey gave him a pointed look, "What do you call hacking into our locked files and illegally copying them to her laptop?" he asked.

"I call it finding the answers she should've had access to in the first place as a member of the Avengers." Wanda looked at Rhodey like she was reminding him of the fact that she could tear him to pieces in a matter of moments, and that she was definitely thinking about it.

"That's like giving Peter access to all of our files" Natasha rolled her eyes.

"He has access to all of our files," Tony corrected, "He's just too distressingly polite to look through them without our permission." He added.

Peter, who wasn't too far away, nodded. "I feel bad if I don't ask Mr. Stark first, but I do have access to everything, just like Mr. Stark and Steve," he told them. "I thought Y/n had full access too, so I didn't really think anything of it when I heard she hacked us, because what else are you supposed to do when you don't have the password and everyone else is asleep, right?" He nervously chuckled and watched himself shift his feet due to the vast amounts of attention he'd just accidentally earned.

"Besides, what's it to you anyway?" Clint just looked done with everyone, "We're prepared to deal with her if she does lose her shit, which isn't going to happen btw," he paused to take a sip from the coffee pot no one had noticed he had, "and it's not like she's as difficult as Barnes was!" Another sip, "Like, I love the kids as much, if not more, than you do, but she's not a threat to them. They love each other too much." He gave Steve a side look, "Almost like you and Barnes," he commented, proceeding to take a long, loud drink of his coffee as the rest of the world processed what he'd said.

Steve blushed, but didn't let Clint get to him.

"I still think that we just need to make sure--"

"What, exactly?" you snapped, "Because, I don't think there's literally anything for you to be worried about, Steve." You'd slowly become calmer in this atmosphere. It wasn't getting out of hand anymore, and it was more of a debate now. However, hearing Steve had caused your blank expression to fade into a blatantly irritated frown/scowl situation.

"We just want to make sure you're... yourself." Sam tried to reason, "We want to make sure you're well enough to have full control of yourself--"

"So it is about HYDRA?" you interjected, already knowing how the rest of his statement would've sounded.

No one said anything.

You scoffed, "unbelievable." you look up to the heavens you hoped didn't have to see this, "To think I believed you when you told me I was a part of the team. That you thought I was all better and wanted me here because I made a good edition." you threw your hands up as tears started to form in your eyes, "And all that other complete bullshit you were feeding me." You laughed, your voice breaking, "When all you really wanted was another helpless mess that wanted nothing more than to try and make up for all the horrible things they'd done. You wanted someone just trying to change-- because after James, Pietro, Wanda, really everyone here, you just couldn't get enough. You just love a sob story, huh?!" You sniffed, looking down at everyone around. Most everyone just had their heads down in shame.

You smiled, nodding as the tears started to fall. The overlapping voices weren't helping, but you could barely hear them anymore. Not over the quickly developing silence that your brain demanded.

"Not even a word." You continue to nod, not knowing what else to do, "I get it. I see." A sad, sinister smile appears on your face as an idea popped into your head.

"That's alright," You stopped nodding, smiling at the floor and whispering, "that just means you won't mind when I leave."

With that statement, you look up just in time to see everyone's final face of panic before--

Snap.

_____

Taglist: @introvertedsin @galacticalstarcat @acidrain707

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

*ahem*

so am i just gonna have to get specific representation MY DAMN SELF. i mean COME ON. im using my brain to finally work and think about the future and all that. and i feel like i’m being picky but im tired of busted up fucking plot holes and the same old shit every time. only the light skinned women or girls who’re considered conventionally attractive. and they’re either the “right size” or theyre dark skinned (the only one in the show) and have a fucking attitude. when the hell am i going to STOP being viewed as a threat, or a stereotype, and be seen as a fucking person???? with thoughts and feelings and input that deserves to be heard. ESPECIALLY IN THE MEDIA. i know black folks dont get much shit as is, and if we get something half decent, we’re shit all over, or killed, or it’s snatched. and if it isn’t taken from us, we treasure it, waiting for the next good thing to happen, billions of hardships throwing themselves at us. and specifically, as a black queer neurodivergent gal, there’s no fucking space for me. im not going to be seen, nor represented how i wish to be. i’m either a threat, nothing whatsoever, or the life, the being, and the moment until it’s inconvenient for white people to deal with. stealing things people have been ridiculed and teased for, and suddenly it’s all the fucking rage. then after it’s gone, i’m pushed to the curb again, fucking trampled by the same people who said i was at least partially equal to them. 

i cant find even a half decent place that i see myself where it’s not sprinkled, or dare i say, doused in anti-blackness and misogynoir. i mean, but it’s only a show, right? it’s not that big of a deal, shows can’t represent a group of people, or person as to where it impacts them, right?

then tell me why the princess and the frog is my favorite disney movie.....

tell me why hidden figures almost never goes unwatched whenever i see it.

tell me why i have been talking NON-STOP about invincible because a show has just a single black girl who speaks her mind, and is a BADASS.......but amber’s ripped to shreds isn’t she. she “was stupid from not telling mark her mind” and “she led him on” and “i hate amber more than omni-man” and “amber is the real villain” (which is laced with anti-blackness)

it’s because REPRESENTATION MATTERS, fuckass. i wouldnt binge watch things that i fucking hate. if i see myself in something, and it’s authentic, and it’s real, im holding onto it like my fucking life depends on it. oh wait? it does.

cant wear this or that. “she must think she’s grown” NOPE. but i sure as hell can legally work, get vaccinated, and have a learner’s permit. isn’t that “the life” isn’t that what i’m supposed to do? join the society that was broken to begin with until i crumble, lose my job, and find myself in the same place.

or no, i’m still just a child apparently. shouldn’t be speaking for myself, can’t make my own decisions. i “need to be taken down a peg”

and here come the stereotypes again. “angry black girl” “in someone’s face”

and of fucking course when i bring up the fact that something is racist then i need to “lower my voice” and “calm down” and am taken outside the door and told “this happens, just ignore it”

from the same motherfucker who doesn’t think that white privilege exists, calls m a feminist “derogatory” when i bring up the fact that something is sexist, and literally makes the joke “monkeys climb trees” when we were celebrating black history month, and one of the classroom doors was decorated with a tree. but apparently i need to “chill out” and let the cishet white person get their fucking way like they all have for the past hundreds of years.

that shit sucks. and it stings. and it stays tearing me apart at one in the fucking morning.

also (we’re not done, strap in)

if i see one more fucking person excuse homophobia with the bible, im fucking snapping and finding a girlfriend and posting the picture FRONT AND CENTER of my fucking instagram. or better yet i’ll finally find a pair of fishnets and do what the fuck i want without guzzling down the dredges of my personal disapproval for once. it sounds quite tempting to be honest at this point.

so, story time lovelies.

yesterday (well, er, two days ago, it was friday afternoon) one of my dearest (/j) classmates decided to post a story which held a screenshot of the bible where it mentioned that “a man shall not sleep with another man like he does with his wife” okay and the bible changes like night and day. there’s so many fucked up stories in the bible that justify this, that, and the other. and like?? you expect me to want to BELIEVE that shit. absolutely not. just say you’re a homophobe and LEAVE MY QUEER ASS ALONE. jesus fucking christ.

this isn’t the first time she’s posted something i found quite offensive, and frankly, rage inducing. it was the “there’s only two genders” and taking off 3 years of my life with the “man=penis, woman=vagina” BULLSHIT which is wrong on multiple accounts. intersex people exist and ARE REAL. and gender isn’t tied to genitalia. and it’s also not binary. and clothes and colors dont have GENDERS. they’re fabric and things we fucking see, not an end all be all to the type of person someone is, how they think, talk, act, and what fucking hangs between their legs. job prospects. none of that. another video from a few months back, still on the gender thing in which this cishet man stated (who probably has fucking guns laying on the mantle in front of the fireplace, right below the decapitated dear) that “kids are too young to think about this” little kids don’t give TWO SHITS about gender, they just see people as people, and they love their friends. their biggest worries are what’s for dinner, or who’s gonna play on what on the playground. if we teach them that OTHER TRANS KIDS EXIST. and that they deserve to be treated the same, we won’t have issues. at all. and if they end up being confused, let them ask questions, and answer them accordingly. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.

so...no. so she’s blocked (permanently) and i honestly don’t give a fuck at this point. i have no tolerance for bigotry in my life, or brain, and i have had, im sure, a LIFETIME full of toxic people who think shitty things about me and i just??? bitch? AM I PRESSED ABOUT IT? no. HAS IT CAUSED ME SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND PANIC ATTACKS? of course, i have trauma and severe anxiety, what else did you expect?

yeah um....i think im done. this has just been RIPPING me to shreds for the past few minutes. had to get it out.