#i love you doomed characters i love you characters who remain kind despite EVERYTHING i love you characters who help help help

[kismetconstellations]

Shiro from Voltron for the character ask game

To spare my poor followers' dashboards a massive wall of text, my answers will be found behind the cut. Let's regroup there, shall we?

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I love Shiro because he demonstrates so perfectly that a person's trauma does not have to define them. No matter what kind of Hell they've been subjected to, they always have the option to remain gentle, compassionate, and kind. Even when they're afraid. Even when they believe themselves to be "broken", or monstrous because of what they had to do to survive.

One can rise above attempts to break them, and be so much more than the people who mistreated them tried to force them to be.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

His personality. Even when he isn't being everything that epitomizes a true hero- brave, selfless, strong-willed, empathetic, always looking after others and willing to risk his life for them at the drop of a hat- he's so much fun to watch. From his moments of tired, resigned irritation and bemusement with others' antics,

to his quiet fascination with Altean technology and concepts, like water pouches and their time measurement system,

to the moments where he's just a great big dorky sweetheart.

People who think he's "boring" because he's a workaholic soldier who isn't as inclined to shenanigans and over the top reactions as his younger comrades aren't paying attention. He's an extremely dynamic, multi-faceted character just begging to be explored by someone who loves him and all of his depth and multitudes.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

How he's handled by the team of inept showrunners who helmed this messy disaster of a cartoon.

He has no real support system, something I can only imagine is due to him being the commanding officer to a group of teenagers he can't truly confide in, and the intention to have him fill a Doomed Mentor role, despite him being inadvertently written as The Chosen One. His biological family is virtually non-existent. The only other proper adult he could look to for advice is the designated comic relief. There were opportunities for him to be taken in by the Holts, given their mutual fondness for each other, or even Allura and Coran. Allura and Shiro seemed to have developed an even stronger bond (offscreen, of course) after she saved his life.

(I have a theory that Allura's quintessence alchemy altered Shiro's DNA, which is why his new arm could only be safely powered by the Balmeran crystal from Allura's tiara, and the Atlas, similarly powered by Altean magic, responds to Shiro and Shiro alone, establishing a mental link with him the same way Allura had with the Castle of Lions. But, that's for another unhinged essay.)

And, when Coran confronts Iverson about strapping Shiro to a table in the pilot, he refers to Shiro as "our Shiro".

But, neither of these avenues were ever explored, as Shiro was "retired" and relegated to side-character status, leaving him isolated from everyone, including his best friend who loveshim.

The ableism surrounding his disability is disgusting. He's a forced amputee twice over. He spends most of an entire season standing mute on the sidelines without a right arm, and there's absolutely no acknowledgement of his missing limb, that his best friend is the reason why it's gone, or inquiries into how being rendered effectively "useless" after coming back from the dead is affecting Shiro's already poor mental health.

(Does Shiro sleep? Does he have pajamas he can even change into, or is he supposed to wear the Black Paladin armor the entire trip back to Earth? Is he able to shower with that stump, or does it pose an electrocution hazard if it comes into contact with water? Is there anything available for him to do so he isn't standing silently around, losing his mind?)

His best friend's mother tells him to stay out of a fight, and he meekly accepts the order, never making another attempt to be anything other than a helpless bystander until he's been outfitted with a new arm that he, once again, has no say in the design of. An arm that is bulky and over-sized, impractical, likely extremely uncomfortable, and sickeningly mirrors his abuser's.

The same abuser who filled his head with taunts about his previous prosthetic being the "strongest part" of him, and the same abuser who tortured him and is implied to have raped him.

An ally tells him that he would be stronger with "two robotic arms", almost mocking the fact that Shiro's right arm was deliberately taken from him to be replaced by a weapon. And, this is never called out or questioned.

A punch that he lands on his abuser with his organic fist only incites a mocking sneer before Shiro is flung across the body of the ship that they're fighting on like a ragdoll.

After being made to feel washed-up and old at twenty-six, Shiro participates in an arm-wrestling tournament that he wins-- using the ill-proportioned prosthetic modeled after his abuser's.

I don't know if there was no one on the staff who was aware of the vile implications in this handling of a disabled character, but when one considers the similar grotesque handling of intense trauma and passive suicidal ideation... It doesn't exactly paint a pretty picture of the ideas and beliefs that went into the writing on this show.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

This is so silly and indulgent, but... What immediately comes to mind is, instead of him dying in the second season's finale and spending four entire seasons helplessly roaming and languishing on the Astral Plane, I would have him magically transported to the beach episode of a slice of life anime.

He would get to play volleyball with and be fawned over by a bunch of pretty, shirtless men with glistening, sun-kissed skin. As he deserves. ( ᵘ ᵕ ᵘ ⁎)

5. What’s the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

"Lazarus Drug", by Meg Washington. Longtime followers of my silly little blog might be aware of my love for Bluey, which is how I was introduced to this gorgeous piece of music. It was used to masterful effect in the twenty-eight minute special episode, The Sign.

When I was struggling to come up with a title for my Shiro-centric character study/fix-it fic, "Lazarus Drug" proved to be a lifesaver.

"And when I hear you calling, Like you were always there, I rise until I'm hanging in the Middle of the air

And when I hear you calling, I split like I'm a snake With golden light like fingers And, then I start to break

Into a billion pieces Oh, I shatter into constellations Like I've never been more here Like I completely disappear

I'm nothingness, but shining And everywhere at once I'm everything and everyone Who is or ever was."

6. What’s something you have in common with this character?

Less than stellar mental health as a result of trauma.

7. What’s something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

There are so many jaw-droppingly stunning and breathtaking pieces of Shiro fan art out there. I also greatly appreciate fanfics, meta, and analyses that take all of his trauma and his disability, and how they would realistically impact his daily life, into account.

Christening him "The Unkillable Gay", and "Gay God", is also pretty darned fantastic.

8. What’s something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Dark Shiro, Shiro-bashing (usually in tandem with Allura-bashing), sidelining him due to ageism, ignoring his canon sexuality to give Keith reason to angst over Shiro not accepting him in K/L fics, minimizing Shiro's role in Keith's life to focus on their preferred ship, having Shiro adopt or be biologically related to Keith, especially if Adam is co-parenting and Keith has more of a bond with him than Shiro (it's pretty obvious why certain shippers do this), depicting him as high-libido and sexually aggressive/an Alpha/dominant/top, even more so when he gets off on being called "daddy", expressing a belief that he should have stayed dead in service of Keith's character, treating him and his clone as the same person... Just to name a few.

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

I don't see why not.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

I'd love to think that we could be. But, realistically, I'd be too nervous to ever approach him and strike up a conversation. >////<'

11. Would you date this character?

Though he is undeniably gorgeous, we are romantically incompatible, I'm afraid.

12. What’s a headcanon you have for this character?

Shiro moved to the United States with his grandfather in late childhood, between the ages of eight and ten. That's why he speaks perfect English with no trace of an accent.

13. What’s an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

☆

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Classic Hollywood pilot aesthetic; aviation jacket with (faux) fur lining, patches on the sleeve, and a tight t-shirt or tank top underneath, sometimes with aviator sunglasses folded over the collar or worn over his eyes, military dog tags around his neck, the sort of clingy, curve-flattering pants that he canonically favors, and knee-high combat boots. Scarf is optional.

I also love a soft formal look on him. Crisp dress shirt and tie with a vest over top, perfectly tailored slacks, and shiny black loafers.

15. What’s your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn’t matter if it’s canon or not.)

I'm going to go with Shiro/Keith, though I very much have a fondness for Shiro/Hunk, as well.

Keith's devotion to Shiro is exactly the level of devotion that Shiro deserves, though Keith could stand to tone the intensity of it down just a tad. His willingness to throw his life away for Shiro would be a massive source of anxiety for Shiro, and something they'd have to discuss, among many other topics, before entering a serious romantic relationship.

And, Hunk is such a sweetheart, he'd spoil and pamper Shiro in all of the best ways. When he's of legal consenting age, of course.

16. What’s your least favorite ship for this character?

Romantic Shiro/Pidge, and Shiro/Sendak. An adult gay man and a female child, and a trauma survivor and his personal tormentor is a great big "no thanks" for me.

17. What’s a ship for this character you don’t hate but it’s not your favorite that you’re fine with?

Shiro/Lance, and Shiro/Matt. I prefer Shiro and Matt as friends, and overexposure to Lance thanks to a hyper-zealous fanbase has done a fairly good job of putting me off of him. Which sucks, because I genuinely like him just fine in the show, itself. I don't mind either ship, and have read fic for them. They're just not prospects for Shiro that I ever seriously entertain.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

I love Shiro and Pidge's relationship in the early episodes. The way he is so gentle, encouraging, and protective with her, basically becoming a second older brother, and how she comes to trust and rely on him as a confidante, enough that she personally seeks him out to tell him that she plans to leave the team to search for her father and brother, knowing he will understand, stole my heart almost immediately, and stole it hard.

It's incredibly disheartening that, after his resurrection, we only get tidbits and table scraps of that relationship.

Why did Shiro start riding with her in the Green Lion on the journey back to Earth? Who knows? The writers certainly weren't going to tell us, because Shiro was so thoroughly a side-character, by that point, he and Pidge- if I'm recalling correctly- only talked to each other onscreen one time.

Never forget what they took from us.

(Also ignore that they forgot to draw Shiro's scar.)

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don’t like?

No offense to Mr. Set-Dressing, but there is nothing that points to these characters having any sort of even platonic relationship, let alone the kind of chemistry that would lead to a marriage a few years down the line. They never address each other by name, or at all, when they're not exchanging commands in the heat of battle. "Curtis" has more personal interaction with Acxa. And, I swear Shiro only looks away from the console on the Atlas's bridge to physically acknowledge this man once.

The animators certainly did poor "Curtis" no favors, either, by making him look like a sad, pathetic older man who couldn't lift or dip his strapping younger groom on their wedding day.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn’t matter?

I adore the idea of Shiro and Allura as best friends, and would have loved to have seen some genuine interaction between the Real Shiro and Matt, after Shiro attacked Matt to save his life. Alas...

21. If you’re a fic writer and have written for this character, what’s your favorite thing to do when you’re writing for this character? What’s something you don’t like?

I've only very recently started writing for Shiro, and don't see myself doing much more than the aforementioned character study/fix-it fic. That said, I love getting into his head to really flesh him out, his psychology, his illness, his failed relationship, his experience in captivity, and using the members of his found family as conduits for him to realize just how special and good to his core he truly is. Like what should have happened in canon.

I don't like writing about him suffering, but part of recovering from trauma is processing it. And, processing often involves reliving the traumatic event as you walk a trusted friend, loved one, or mental health professional through it in the hopes that they will then offer you the greatly needed comfort and support and skills to cope that you didn't have, at the time it occurred.

22. If you’re a fic reader, what’s something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don’t like?

I love in-character portrayals of Shiro in Hurt/Comfort settings that address the sheer magnitude of his trauma, and emphasize how unfailingly brave, strong, compassionate, and altruistic in spite of it all that he has always been and always will be.

I'm not a fan of him being treated like he's "oblivious", or "emotionally constipated" for not immediately acting on an Anguished Declaration of Love that Keith gave to "Kuron", and prefaced with, "You're my brother".

And, I've covered before, in detail, how much it irks and baffles me when Lance fans give Lance traits distinct and exclusive to Shiro in an effort to try to turn him into Shiro, instead of accepting him as he is.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

Tough call, since there are so many, but, I do think this one is the winner:

I love that, despite his strong jaw, his features are so gentle and soft, and the silver hair truly lends him an ethereal quality. That arm is ghastly, but it doesn't detract from just how pretty Shiro is, and how much that Admiral coat flatters him.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

I don't participate in the fandom at all, but I've carried a torch for Leonardo from the 2003 incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles since the show was still actively airing and in production. There are so many similarities between Shiro and 2003 Leo that one could almost say there's a specific type of character that I'm drawn to like gravity hurtling a ship into a planet with a crash-landing imminent and the projected number of casualties astronomical.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

My first impression of Shiro, when I watched the pilot and second episode back in 2016, was that he was my favorite character of the lot. I was drawn to him for all of the reasons stated above. But, once I became aware of the online fandom drama, I backed off, only watching three more episodes (A Little Adventure and Lions' Pride I and II) in 2018 for Shiro/Keith shipping reasons before becoming a lurker on the peripheral, exploring fanmade content without engaging with the show, itself. It wasn't until earlier this year that I finally grit my teeth, braced myself, and committed to watching at least the seasons where the Real Shiro is featured in full.

I both immensely regret that decision for the sheer levels of frustration, fury, and deeply-rooted sadness at all of the wasted potential that I opened myself up to, and don't regret it at all. Because, I sincerely love Shiro and wish with all of my heart that he, and especially Allura and Coran and even Hunk, were handled by infinitely better writers in an infinitely better show.

----

Thank you so very, very much for asking! ❤

[cuecrynsleep]

A New Line Between Us

AO3 Link

Never did Angela wish for a bit, a sketch, something fictional to be reality, until Amanda.

Tags: one-sided feelings, unrequited love, platonic! changela, angst

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a representation of those in Smosh, rather a fan made perspective on the characters they portray online. Nor is it a commentary on their feelings, their dynamic, or who they are as people. Remain respectful.

Word count: 2,670

Perhaps she should've been more careful. Maybe she should've drawn the line earlier, before any of this. Maybe she should've seen this coming from a mile away, because upon hindsight, it was obvious. It wasn't ever something that was subtle. She has always been close to Amanda, in a way that was different from anybody else. Yet, despite all of that, it was still completely shocking to her.

This couldn’t be happening. There was just no way she actually fell for Amanda. I mean it’s not like it’s hard to, rather Angela never actually thought she would. There were many bits where they were just in love with each other, or attracted to each other in some way. None of those were reality and would never amount to what reality is.

There were TNTL bits where they just sang about loving each other or having some prior relationship. Hell, they've played a married couple three times. Yet, with all of those times it was nothing but a joke. It was nothing but acting. Angela knew that, she knew that full well.

So the moment her heart raced faster than it should. The moment her heart longed for more. The moment she felt drawn to Amanda as if they were magnets. She knew full well she was doomed. She knew there was no denying it.

That's what led her to a green room by herself, cramped in a corner, hiding her from the world. It was a break from everything and everyone except for her own thoughts. Where those alone were tiring and draining enough. All she wanted was a moment of peace, something that seemed so hard in a workplace that was always so active.

She didn’t have any upcoming shoots today, most of it being in the morning. All that was left on her agenda was a meeting in an hour and a photo shoot. Angela glanced at the door from behind as she heard footsteps nearby. Not long after Chanse opened the door, calling out her name, before smiling as he saw her hunched up figure. He walked towards her and Angela looked away, positive that her face would expose more than she was willing.

"What are you doing here?" Chanse frowned. "Some of us are chilling on the Reddit stories set." He gently tapped Angela's shoulder, urging her to get up. "Come on, Ange. You're not going to start being antisocial today."

Angela mustered a smile, appreciating Chanse's gesture. "I'm good over here." She waved him off. "Don't worry about me."

He paused, letting out a sigh, before collapsing himself right next to Angela. "Okay, come on. What's wrong, Ange?"

"What?" She asked. Her voice was higher than usual as she looked at him in surprise. "Nothing is wrong."

"I'm your best friend. I know you." He glanced at her briefly. "Just talk to me."

Angela groaned. She put her knees to her chest, not minding her shoes that were on the couch. "Am I really that obvious?"

"Kind of," he said. "But I don't think that's a bad thing. Just tell me what's on your mind." He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her in for a side hug. "I've been a bit worried about you recently, Angela."

"I guess I've just been distracting myself a bit more often," she shrugged off, her voice coming out in a murmur.

"From what?" He paused. "Is everything okay?"

Angela took a deep breath, willing the feelings she's been holding in to come out. She might as well, rather sooner than later. The feelings she had come to realise a few days ago, with them only growing stronger and stronger by the day.

"I've been distracting myself from Amanda," she whispered. The moment the words left her mouth she felt a huge weight lift off her shoulders. "I just need to get away from her for a bit."

"Amanda?" He repeated in a whisper. "That's rare. Is everything okay between you two?" He paused, finding his voice as he glanced at Angela, knowing she'd fail to meet his gaze. "I know you two have that kind of flirty dynamic during shoots. Is it starting to become uncomfortable?"

Angela instantly piqued up at those words. "No. No. God no," she repeated. "She's not making me uncomfortable." If anything Angela was scared she'd make her uncomfortable. Even if Amanda is the one to usually initiate their flirty dynamic during shoots.

"Okay, so," he bit his lip. "What is this actually about, Angela?" He could feel under his hand the moment she stiffened at his words. "You can tell me anything. I hope you know that."

Angela let out a shaky breath as her hands grasped tightly onto her knees. Usually when she had feelings for someone it'd be followed by joy, the moment of happiness that would rush to every bone in her body. Yet, with Amanda, it was different. It was panicked dread, because from the beginning she knew she had no chance.

Her mouth opened and closed, as she tried to find the right words to say. It felt as if the moment she spoke it aloud, she'd have to accept it and it'd all be true. Grounding her to the present was Chanse's hand, as he reached down to squeeze one of her hands.

She'd be okay. It will all be okay.

Angela took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she sank deep into the pits of feelings that pulled at her heartstrings. "I like her," she confessed, her words cracking underneath all the pressure.

Then, as if the floodgates opened, she continued talking. Her words came off in a rushed ramble as everything she kept inside, bottled up, broke apart. Only further did she break, as Chanse pulled her into a hug, letting her forehead rest on his shoulder.

"I did the one thing I swore to myself I wouldn't do and I ended up liking her," she continued on. "God, I fucking hate this Chanse. These- these feelings they're literally stupid. I wasn't supposed to like her. I wasn't supposed to take any of it seriously."

As Chanse squeezed her she could only sink herself deeper into his touch, crying harder as a sob wrecked past her throat. He wasn't congratulating her, cheering for her, or teasing her. They both knew it was nothing but a hopeless crush that was doomed to go nowhere. She was married. They were best friends. Those were just the facts of life. All she could do right now was accept it. Where even though accepting it was easy, acting like her heart didn't long for Amanda was something else.

-

It’s been a week since she told Chanse and since then things have started to become easier. If she needed to talk about it, she would. It was a much needed comfort she needed especially with how long she kept it bottled up.

Shoots with Amanda were second nature, and something both of them grew to expect when it came to a typical week. Angela still acted naturally around her, something that she thought she’d struggle with more but she didn’t. Feelings that she compartmentalised for later was something that she was used to, so her feelings for Amanda were always easy to not dwell on when on camera. After all, she was an actress, they were on camera, it was a part of her job.

Though, something that Angela hated, was how easily Amanda made her forget. When in the moment with her by her side she made her forget it all. She forgot the hard crushing feelings that weighed in her heart, and everything seemed almost weightless. Jabs, bits and mindless teasing between them came out easily. It was never something she had to worry or stress about. They had boundaries, they talked about a lot of lines not to cross nor joke about and they respected it. That’s what made their dynamic forever growing as they got to know each other more. Things they’d never do one day could be natural the next, and it all relied on their communication.

Yet, life is forever changing and it is only natural for things to change when something in the dynamic starts to shift. She first started to realise that when something that was once natural, a complete joke between them, began to bother her. Even if it was just a little.

They were live on camera for Smosh games, in a table surrounded by a couple of their cast mates. Angela was at the left end of the table next to Amanda. With them was Courtney, Spencer, Chanse, and Tommy. They were playing a simple card game, meant to get to know each other, with a wheel behind them displaying ticket goals for another live show.

It was Amanda’s turn, a card asking her about her soulmate or whatever. Admittedly, Angela forgot, as soon as Amanda said her name. She forgot her question after a few jokes left her mouth. All she could do was smile and nod, watching as the world passed her by.

Before she could even start to compartmentalise and ground herself, Amanda moved towards her. She could feel one of Amanda's hands on her shoulder, the other reaching to cup her jaw. She could feel as her personal space was being prodded at, her heart thundering against her chest. Then she moved closer, her face going towards her before turning to her side. Never once letting her lips make contact.

Christ, she just had to do a fake kiss bit right now.

Angela could feel the shiver that rushed up her spine as she stiffened at the contact. Then, as soon as Angela reacted, Amanda pulled away.

She played off the joke with a laugh, glancing at Angela to meet her gaze. Angela failed to look at her entirely, grasping at the chair to put herself back to reality. Then, as soon as it happened, as soon as she was distracted, she was back in it.

Angela ignored the way her heart pained as Amanda asked if she was okay with her eyes alone. She ignored the way her heart beat could be felt so clearly, when she reached over for Amanda's hand underneath the table. She squeezed her hand briefly, as if to tell her everything was okay, then pulled back. All she could do was sit there, and let the emotion that lingered fester. The emotion that wanted nothing more than for a bit they did on occasion, to hold some truth to reality.

And for a brief second she was brought back. She was brought back to before she developed feelings. She was brought back to the first time Amanda asked about her boundaries for the kissing bit.

-

“Hey Ange,” Amanda called over as she walked over. “I’m just checking. I didn’t make you uncomfortable earlier, did I?”

“What do you mean?” Angela asked, squinting at Amanda briefly.

“The whole fake kiss thing,” she explained. “Kinda the first time we did that sort of bit, so I just want to make sure.”

“Oh.” Angela said, as if remembering the bit that happened. “No, no you didn’t make me uncomfortable,” she said, reassuring Amanda. “Don’t worry about it, you’re okay.”

“Okay. Good.” Amanda smiled. She put a hand on Angela's shoulder. “I thought I made you uncomfortable there. I probably should've discussed the bit with you beforehand, sorry about that.”

Angela shook her head. “There's no need to apologise, but I appreciate it. Thanks.” She smiled up at Amanda, letting herself be pulled into a brief hug. “Besides, if I was uncomfortable I'd probably just push you away and play it off as a joke.”

“Noted,” she chuckled. “Just make sure to ever tell me if something I do as a bit makes you uncomfortable.”

“That goes both ways Amanda.”

-

She had to tell her she crossed a line. Even if it's a line that was already crossed before. Angela just knew it was bound to happen eventually, given her feelings. The boundaries they had before would inevitably change. Things that were once normal or welcomed wouldn't be anymore, simply because Angela's feelings changed.

Whether it be because Angela needed to get over some feelings, or because she feared making Amanda unknowingly uncomfortable. It all just felt so wrong. As if the bit of them being together or something more was something Angela was getting some enjoyment out of. Even if she didn't. Even if she never dared initiate it. It all felt so wrong when something was once a bit, held more truth to it than Amanda would ever know.

Almost as if Amanda knew it was coming she approached her first after the shoot. She hadn't even bothered to bid the rest of the cast a proper goodbye like usual, obviously very focused on making sure Angela was okay. The crew was currently packing up the cameras, Amanda and Angela staying in a faraway corner. That alone made Angela nervous, her heart beating against her chest out of anxiety alone.

Amanda hadn't even uttered a word before Angela spoke. Yet, as she saw her face, as she processed everything that happened, a thought remained in the corner of her brain. Regret. Nothing but regret for changing what they had. Nothing but regret for falling when she should've been careful in the first place. She didn't want their friendship to change. It just had to.

"Hey, about earlier," Angela hesitated, hating the way her voice cracked as she spoke. Her gaze lifted off the ground towards Amanda, she looked at her like she was so concerned.

It hurt. She shouldn't be looking at her like that. She shouldn't be making this harder than it should. Angela shook her head, letting out a shaky breath as she clenched her fists tightly. Upon looking down at her hands she already knew she'd see the crescent moon shaped indents on her light skin.

She gulped, her voice returning to her in a murmur. "Earlier when you fake kissed me, could you- maybe," she shakily breathed out, "Could you stop doing that?"

Angela's heart broke as she saw Amanda's eyes. The instant shot of panic that rushed through her showed through her voice. "Oh god," her voice cracked. "Fuck, I'm so sorry." She apologised, just about to reach out towards Angela but she stopped herself. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"

"No, no," Angela panicked. "You didn't." If anything she was scared of making her uncomfortable. “I don’t mind most of your contact, trust me, you know I’m a pretty touchy person too. Just-“ The words died on her throat as she failed to speak. She couldn't even fully meet Amanda's gaze as it seemed almost trained on the floor.

“Please just stop,” Angela whispered. She looked away, as if ashamed, and from the corner of her eye she could see Amanda. The way her face morphed into regret and shock. She knew she wanted to reach out. She knew she wanted to ask more. She knew full well Amanda wanted nothing more than to comfort Angela.

“Are you okay?” She asked in a whisper, her tone gentle as she stopped herself from putting a hand on her shoulder.

She didn't have to hesitate as Angela leaned into her touch, letting herself have one thing as she closed her eyes. She leaned closer into the contact, being pulled into a hug. She'd miss this.

“I'll be okay,” Angela mumbled out. She stopped herself from crying, refusing to let the tears fall at work. “I just need a moment.”

“Take as long as you need Angela,” Amanda said, pulling her closer. “I'm right here for you.”

Angela smiled bitterly at her words. For this certain thing, she couldn't be there for her. Then someday, when the time is right, and things start to seem less real, she'd tell her. Just not now, when all Angela wanted was to go back in time to before the feelings started.

[imadhatt3r]

Soul, body and what remains- A DS2 theory

I've decided to write down my theory about what I believe might happen in DS2. Tumblr seems like the best website for it, given that I can write everything in one easy to read post and it has a high likelihood of reaching people who are also insane about this game

TLDR: After the events of DS1, Amelie has given her soul to Lou, which is why Higgs is after her- he wants to rid the world of any traces of Amelie left so that he could "ascend" and take her place. Amelie's body became the Chrystalis (Elle Fanning), who fell into the Seam and was "spat out" into the world of the living through the tar. The octopus we see at the end of trailer 1 is what remained of Amelie on her Beach, which transformed into a creature that is better suited for such environment.

Okay, let's begin:

SOUL

So we all remember the last scene of DS1: Sam decides to free Lou out of her pod and tries to revive her when she seems unresponsive; We can see what looks like her spirit leaving her body. Sam holds her close and then Lou wakes up, holding Amelie's quipu in her hands. Five baby BTs look on during the whole scene.

I believe that Amelie has somehow attached her soul to Lou's or just straight up gave her her own- maybe "aged down" in some way, without her memories and experiences, not just straight up her soul as it was, I feel like that wouldn't fit with Kojima's "tone" of writing. The five baby BTs are the five previous extinction entities looking on at what Amelie's doing- we know that they can change shape, since they are humanoids on the Beach, despite not being ones in life.

As for Amelie's motivation, well, I believe that she wanted to live the life of a normal human girl. She makes it very clear that she is permanent and unchanging, stuck in time, while people around her like Sam get to grow old and age. If you've read the books, you'd know that Amelie/Bridget started to have her DOOMs dreams as a little girl, which means that her childhood was taken away from her very fast. And she loved humanity, so much that she wanted to mercy-kill it, which, in the way she sees the world, was an act of kindness. When she saw that Lou was on the brink of dying, she saw an opening- she gave her soul to save Lou. It creates an ethical dillema; Was Amelie selfless in what she did? She wanted to save Lou and give something to Sam, who she loved and wanted to be happy. On the other hand, she did it for her own benefit, in a way, to live out her fantasy and dream of being a human and getting to grow up among other humans. She has also altered Lou's very being without anyone's knowledge or consent, and without Sam knowing. She also knew that Sam was a kind, caring and loving guy, so her "child-self" will grow up being well taken care of.

This is why Higgs' "cult" is after Lou, but seemingly not after Sam and Fragile (if that scene is real, but let's assume that it is)- Lou holds Amelie's soul, so getting rid of her is a priority, while Sam and Fragile are there for the "boss" to take care of to reenact his desires of revenge.

But Lou's spirit, thanks to Amelie's being "entangled" with it, remains, seemingly bound to her BB pod. When Higgs takes off Lou's pod from Sam and he seemingly senses some kind of "life" in it, he seems suprised and almost impressed, like he was outsmarted.

When Sam asks "Was it you that killed Lou?" Higgs says "You still don't know, do you?", like Higgs thinks that Sam is deluding himself. Sam and Higgs are characters who probably know Amelie and what she's capable of the most of the entire cast, only Higgs is fully aware of how decieving and conniving she can be, while Sam seems to not be fully open about it to himself. Higgs knows that Amelie's soul is in Lou, while Sam might realize it deep in his mind, but doesn't want to admit to it to himself.

When Higgs says that "All that pain (Sam) nurses will only going to get worse" when Sam learns the truth about Lou, he means that he will find out that Amelie has lied to him again, she changed who Lou is and he's been raising essentially a different person for some time.

I can see Sam going through an arc of not knowing how he feels about Lou, maybe even feeling some resentment towards her through Amelie, but he'll ultimately accept Lou for who she is- I feel like Sam would never reject Lou, no matter what. I can see him going through a character arc similar to Harry Mason from Silent Hill (which would maybe be a roundabout Silent Hills reference?).

Both Amelie and Lou are also symbolised by angel imagery or themes- Higgs calls Amelie "a sweet little angel on death" in DS1, and Lou has been consistently potrayed with angel wings in DS2 trailers. Amelie is the red angel of death, while Lou is the blue-ish angel of protection, proving that they are related characters, but are, in a way, mirrored.

2. BODY

Elle Fanning's character, who I will call Chrystalis, is Amelie's body that fell into the Seam and was "spat out" by the tar into the world of the living.

We see Chrystalis in a well, chrystalis. A chrystalis is specifically a cocoon used by developing moths and butterflies. As we know, caterpillars are known to liquify in their cocoon in order to go through a transformation; I think that Amelie's body (or a part of it) was encased in a cocoon and liquified- in order to develop into something different. She looks different than Amelie because some "genes" got reshuffled in the process, or the tar wasn't able to recreate Amelie perfectly from a single body part.

The Chrystalis doesn't know who she is because she doesn't have a soul, which is within Lou.

We also see her body being pulled up on that one shot with the table because the EEs want to pull her up where she belongs- since they are the only established characters that we see "in the sky" or "up". They can sense that the Chrystalis is Amelie, but they can't sense that she is just a "piece" of her, and not a complete EE.

I don't have that much to say (yet) about the Chrystalis, since we don't have much info on her.

3. WHAT REMAINS

Okay, so we've got the soul and the body- what else is there?

Do you remember the octopus arms inside the BB pod at the end of trailer 1?

Well, it's also Amelie. In a way.

The octopus/tentacles represent what remained of Amelie after giving away her soul and tossing away her body. The octopus is something like her EE essence, her primal force made real. She dwells in the Seam now, adapted to the conditions of a being who has no need of venturing onto land again.

It's hard to say how much the octopus remembers or knows about who it was; I can see it attacking the Magellan a'la kraken, not realizing that it's Sam and two pieces of her in there, but I can also see it retaining some of Amelie's memories and feelings.

As for other proof, I don't have much- both Amelie and the octopus are associated with red.

An octopus is also the the logo of the Magellan, and as we know, their goal is spreading the chiral network onto another continent- octopuses have been used in propaganda to symbolize far-reaching power, which I think might relate to BRIDGES' desire to get more people onto the network. The chiral network was also Amelie's dream, so the fact that it's spreading further on might relate to her new octopus form.

I think that the myth of Akkorokamui from the Ainu (an ethnic group indigenous to Japan) mythology is worth mentioning: According to one version (quoting wikipedia) Akkorokamui was once a gigantic spider named Yaushikep who lived in the mountains nearby a village named Rebunge. One day, Yaushikep descended down to Rebunge and caused havoc. Fearing for their lives, the villagers prayed to the gods to save them. Their prayers were answered by the sea god Repun Kamuy, who pulled Yaushikep into Uchiura Bay. It is said that Yaushikep turned into a giant octopus who took over the bay as its god and since then, he has been known by the villagers as At-kor-kamuy or Akkorokamui.

BRIDGES in the first game is represented by spiders and spiderwebs. DS pulls from many different mythologies of course, so an inclusion of an Ainu myth wouldn't suprise me. Perhaps it might parellel how Amelie saw how much pain she and her organisation caused, so she chose to give her soul to Lou and leave her body behind to transform into an octopus that now rules over the Seam and can't hurt anyone anymore, since the Seam only has its own native wildlife in there, no humans.

CONCLUSION

I know that this theory is a lot, but I really think that at least some pieces of it might make it into the game. I have no doubts that Amelie is still heavily involved in some way, even if she isn't "alive", so to speak. Kojima does love a good story of "larger than life figure dies and now we have to struggle with the fallout".

I think that Higgs might ultimately want to find a way to put Lou's soul, Chrystalis' body and the octopus together to "revive" Amelie and cause the final extinction- we see by his attire that he clearly wants to immitate Amelie, so him wanting to finally kill her to get his revenge and take over in her steed seems plausible. Higgs was also stuck on the Beach back then, so he might've witnessed Amelie giving her soul to Lou and hatching his plan then. It's kinda funny, really- he tries so hard to be Amelie, while the three parts of her have no idea who they are.

A lot of people seem to think that DS2 will be a sort of deconstruction of DS1 like MGS2 was to MGS, and yeah, I can see that.

A big theme of MGS2, one of a few, was identity, especially one that we construct for ourselves. DS2 seems to hint towards it too- Fragile being "Fragile in name only", which can mean a few things, BRIDGES establishing DRAWBRIDGE to continue the spread of the chiral network, Higgs cosplaying Amelie, Sam having to take on his identity as a porter once more etc. All of the new characters seem to deliberately not have names revealed, letting the players theorize about them and sort of give them the identity they want them to have.

I think that this theory continues this theme- Sam will learn to love Lou no matter who she is, Chrystalis will develop her own personality on her own terms and figure out who she is and wants to be, while the octopus will either remember who she was or live in blissful ignorance as a giant octopus.

The game's subtitle, "on the beach", seems to be hinting towards Amelie's involvment too- after all, she dwells on the Beach now, and said to Sam that this is where she will be waiting for him this time too. This subtitle will likely have multiple meanings once the game comes out, but I can only connect it with Amelie as of now.

"Should we have connected?" once again, will have multiple meanings once the game comes out, but I can see it relating to Sam's and Amelie's connection- if not for that, she wouldn't give her soul to Lou to "be" with Sam, not threatning Lou's life because of it, and probably avoiding whatever calamity is about to happen in the DS2's story.

Thank you all for reading!

[catholic-character-tournament]

Finals - Resurrect Bracket (Losers Bracket)

ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to [make it to the finals]

Propaganda below ⬇️

Gabriel

Well he's an angel so I'm taking him being catholic as canon. There are a lot of themes in the game that point to catholisism specifically.

He's so fucking funny. he listens to nine inch nails and quotes one of the songs in a fight basically "fight me like an animal". he and v1 kind of have this yuri thing going on. he has an official bodypillow. hes a metaphor for being excommunicated and no one gets him like me and my friends do

The *true* Catholic experience is leaving the church and having a gay awakening, ask anyone

its debatable if Gabriel truly believes he's "the one true savior" or is mocking the idea of it

ok im actually gonna write some gabe propaganda bc despite what you may expect from a game called ULTRAKILL theres a lot to be said about his character and how catholicism is represented

Gabriel is a genuinely caring person who struggles to square his desire to help people with his duty as an archangel. He's the only one in Heaven trying to make things better for those in Hell, but his faith is used to manipulate him into committing atrocities against the people he used to protect (see the "TRAITOR" mural in 4-2)

he only realizes his mistakes after losing everything and being sentenced to death, but he still decides with only a little time remaining to try and make things right. for the sake of spoilers i will just say that the measures he takes are... extremely drastic and very enjoyable. i just really like the idea that even facing the end of all living things, no matter how steep your crimes, it is never too late to fix your mistakes. you are never unworthy forgiveness.

hes also SO FUCKING GAY for this dumb little robot. it mauled him so hard he tasted his own blood and he fell in love right there. theres no way this guy has a normal healthy relationship to pain he is soooooooooo fucked. i love him. please vote for Gabriel "patron saint of gay lapsed catholics" Ultrakill !!!!!!!!

Doomguy

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT DOOMSLAYER IN HERE

In the books he’s canonically Catholic. Haven’t played enough of the games to know but I think they keep it vague in the games. The books are pretty divergent from the games in some ways though so idk

Literally insane. Kills demons because of murder of pet rabbit. Traps himself in hell to give demons more whoopass.

In addition to being Catholic, Doomguy is canonically celibate, meaning he is, in fact, eligible to become the Pope. He’s also very proficient in exorcisms, if “blasting demons into a bloody mess with a shotgun” counts as an exorcism.

Literally kills demons & his universe’s equivalent of Satan

HE GOES TO HELL like 5 times to fight demons and protect earth. He’s also canonically celibate.

[llycaons]

i really like your thoughts on cql/mdzs so i was wondering what are your thoughts on wei wuxian and wen qing? i feel like cql gave them such a great and developed friendship but the fandom ignores it SO much, it's so upsetting. they were best friends imo. and i feel like if wen qing came back post canon, she and wei wuxian would still be close

thank you, anon! I feel like it depends what parts of the fanbase you're around. a lot of my mutuals love wq and wwx, and a lot of fics I read feature her as wwx's best friend, or at least someone very close. but it's a big fandom, and plenty do ignore her in favor of other characters - after all, wwx is close with a lot of people

but I love wwx and wq, their story is so powerful and tragic. I agree that it's a rich friendship, right from the very beginning, wq immediately clocking wwx as Younger Brother and seeing his kindness towards wen ning, starting to like him despite herself, to sheltering him and the jiangs after the wen attack - something she may have done for jyl, but imo not for jc. and wwx sacrificing everything - his home, his reputation, his family - all to protect wq and her family. it's build on the humanity of these two characters who helped each other when no other person in the world would have, at great cost to themselves. and they built and co-ran a little village there in the burial mounds arguing over what vegetables to grow and who does laundry. it's some of the sweetest domestic scenes we ever get, and it's in the midst of all this death. wwx may have been the one to make living in the BM possible, but I always loved how wq was a groundbreaking genius in her own right. mad scientist buddies, indeed

and wwx and wq were similar in other ways. wwx is a tragic figure, but wen qing is arguably even moreso. from her first appearance, she seemed to carry a melancholy with her, like she knew she was doomed from the start and it tore her heart because her family just meant so much to her. her decision to turn herself in felt like the inevitable conclusion of a painful life, though not one without its joys. I can't even say how much it ruins me that her last words to wwx were significant enough for him to repeat them in his new life to his nephew and partner. it kills me how little she's talked about postres despite wwx clearly loving her deeply, and missing her, and probably seeing a lot of himself in her (and vice versa)

finally, I absolutely agree about them being friends postres, had she survived! their dynamic in BM made it clear how well they worked together and how well they knew each other, how they looked after each other and took care of each other. I can see her coming back and wanting to remain independent, though. I don't think she ever liked being in anyone's debt, and that's probably part of why she turned herself and her brother in. but if coming back was a fresh start for wwx, then it would be for wq as well. free to live their lives independently and parallel, seeing each other if they like but no longer bound in life and death together. I think it's clear how much wq loved wwx, too. but that return to normalcy probably would have been welcome

[risarchives]

the way freelancer is written makes me so sad.

characters with bad luck are often ignored and left alone as if they were a contagion due to the cruel beliefs about, well, their misfortune that are widely spread in whichever setting they exist. they're solitary and, most of the time, don't receive even a little bit of sympathy. they're bringers of doom and as such and suffer the consequences of it.

and it's all the more easier for the minor characters to ignore them because in most cases, those characters with severe bad luck themselves have accepted their fate and hardly make an effort in convincing people to converse with them at the very least. they're used to living in isolation and have given up in trying to externally be seen as something in contrary to what they evidently are.

(much like with the freelancer, the beliefs of other characters can be solidified by observing what's happening around those unfortunate characters. with fl, you can see it with caelum and the vega situation; with the almost-friend xavier; with gavin possibly being excluded from the inversion and not suffering what he had to suffer if he had no lover to be in the audience for; with hux losing his captain; with everything freelancer personally experienced)

but freelancer is so generous. they're warm, selfless, and friendly. they help, they reach out, and they're not afraid to trust people. how can people see the misfortune that's been happening when this person shines so brightly and has so much love stored in their heart? how can you stay from misfortune when freelancer themself physically manifests the very opposite of it?

if freelancer was like darlin’ who purposely pushes people away, it would have been easier. but oh ho ho ho no! it's in their nature to be a shoulder to cry on and to be a helping hand. it's in their nature to stay, as if it were inevitable. it's just. it's so tragic. it's like being a witness to all the tragedy they—possibly—cause and personally experience and still staying with them despite of it all because—they love. their love can't save the story, but they make sure it's never thrown away. even in the imperium, they remain kind and helpful. those two sides of the mirror have very different atmospheres and yet the freelancer is so unmistakably tragic in both. freelancer—however undeserving of all things bad and ugly they are—is what happens when tragedy and love are mangled in one broken whole.

i'm just. uhhhh haha kindly give me a moment please *lays down. turns to one side. weeps*

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[cowboycakes]

The Strategy

Pairing: Zeke Jaeger x Reader

Synopsis: The forest was the last place you thought you'd find yourself infatuated with someone you barely knew - especially not your cocky prisoner.

Themes: angst, flirting, guilty love, big plot twist

Warnings: kissing and suggestive language, bullying / teasing, mentions of death, some anxious thinking, light alcohol and tobacco use, profanity. reader uses she/her pronouns. s4 spoilers.

Word Count: 5.7k

Anon (🐸)'s Request: Hi ! Can I request a Zeke x fem reader imagine/one-shot? Reader is a captain for the survey corp and long time veteran. She is really intelligent and is a strategist for the corp. They kind of hate each other but have a lot of chemistry but start bonding before the forest incident. Sorry if that isn't specific enough and too vague.

On occasion, you tended to be so logical that it ruined your life. There was no room in your mind for daydreams, love, or speculation. Fate was false - most things in life were completely arbitrary. That was the way you’d trained yourself to think. Not because you enjoyed it, only because it made it easier to survive.

This way of thinking is a result of your lifetime with the Corps. The award of a Captain’s position was the fruit of your labor, along with being revered for your ability to strategize. Many of the most important and most successful missions in recent years had been planned by you. But, the bubbling tension and division within the walls have thrown you for a loop. You’ve attempted to collaborate with Levi in recent weeks to try to pin down any conflict - anything you could do to calm the storm and keep your comrades safe would be worth it.

Instead of being able to act on whatever plans you’d developed, you’d been assigned to the most bizarre mission you’d ever taken part in: babysitting some man in his late twenties, all the way out in a forest filled with towering redwood trees. This mystery man was apparently not to be trusted, he was Eren’s half-brother from Marley and the holder of the beast titan. He’d done tremendous damage to the Corps in the past. His intentions and motives now remained mysterious, but one thing was for sure: his loyalties lied with Eren, not with the Scouts.

You were disappointed and terrified all together. Being so far away from the action left both you and your comrades vulnerable. But, Levi insisted you needed to confine this man far away from society. And although you were a captain, whatever Levi says usually goes.

The forest wasn’t so bad upon your arrival. Damp pine needles that covered the ground coated the air in a sweet aroma. The blanket of shade given off by the trees was temperate in the summer heat. The tents you’d been provided with were sturdy, insulated, and a dark shade of green that complimented the woodland setting. Above all, you were accompanied by 30 trained soldiers and a shipment of high-quality Marleyan wine.

The entirety of your first day in the forest was spent unpacking and setting up your living quarters. Stars now peak through the canopy of branches above, and a cold breeze ruffles the millions of leaves surrounding the camp. The air was chilly despite the heat that blazed earlier in the day.

The cot you’d assembled in your tent is comfortable enough, but the grey sheets you’d just stretched over the mattress still smell stale. You conjure up the idea of going for a walk while your blankets air out. The musty scent sure wasn’t going to lull you to sleep.

Your timid feet crunch on the ground through the forest for a while, away from the camp. The mist of your breath is tangible in front of your face - the light jacket you’d brought wasn’t going to be enough to keep your goosebumps at bay. It’s much more intimidating out here at night than you’d expected. Darkness brought mystery to the gaps between each tree. And the sheer amount of trees beyond the campsite is dizzying, their height is even more difficult to process. They add a sense of company to your walk, although you can’t tell if they are peaceful observers or prying sets of eyes.

It’s surprisingly quiet out here, no animal or human alike made noise at this hour. The silence leads you to pick up on the echo of a fire crackling somewhere. You’re suddenly a bit excited - you’d figured everyone would have gone to sleep by now.

You spot a comforting orange glow coming from the other side of the distant campsite, offset from the main groups of tents. Maybe someone else’s sheets needed time to breathe too.

The light grows brighter as you trek towards it. It leads you to a humble tent and a fire pit with two rusted metal chairs placed on either side of it. In one of the chairs sits a blonde man in a white shirt, with his back turned to you. He has his nose in a poorly bound book - its stitching is frayed and the pages look wilted, as if they’d been dropped in water before. A cigarette smolders in his free hand.

Your feet crunch into the ground a little harder as you approach in an attempt to avoid startling him. The man looks up to you once you’re finally facing each other. His face is foreign to you. Round glasses on his nose reflect a golden luster from the fire in front of him, blurring your view of his grey eyes slightly. Blonde waves are parted down the middle of his head, tousled a bit too perfectly. He has a well groomed beard that compliments his structured face and strong biceps that peak through his shirt sleeves.

He’s handsome, classy, alluring. Nothing like the usual around here.

“Hi, I’m Captain Reader,” you say with a small smile.

“Reader, huh?” he says, folding his book closed, “I think I’ve heard that name somehow…”

“Oh, possibly. I’m a long time captain. I do a lot of strategic work as well, and it's not exclusive to the Scouts. So my name tends to get around.”

“My name is Zeke,” he replies, returning the smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Zeke… did that sound familiar? You couldn’t decide.

You take a seat in the other chair across from the fire, warming your hands once you get comfortable. The embers lit in front of you are only a sad little bundle of sticks, clearly in need of more fuel. Zeke rolls his shoulders back as his eyes focus in on your frame. His attention is definitely not on the book anymore. His body language almost tells you he likes what he sees - he’s open, relaxed, observant. The cigarette has gone a bit limp in between his fingers.

You’re guilty of curiosity too, as your eyes prod his figure. There must be something in the air.

“What’s that book about?” you question, “it looks… well loved.”

He chuckles. “It's a little fantasy piece, actually. Not something I’d usually find myself reading, but I’ve read it a hundred times now. It’s about a maiden who buys her way to heaven, and a prince who rescues her from the consequences.”

“Interesting…” you say, “how does someone buy their way to heaven?”

“With something far more valuable than money,” he explains. You wonder if the sultry undertone he added was all part of your imagination. It was a little grumbly, suggestive.

“And what would that be?”

“Not sure, still trying to figure that one out,” he remarks, bringing the cigarette up to his lips. Light from the fire gets trapped in the smoke and travels up through the dark air as he exhales.

“You’re gonna ruin your lungs if you keep doing that, Zeke,” you joke.

He chuckles again, “So she’s pretty and caring. Guess I’ve lucked out.”

You feel a little heat rush to your cheeks. This innocent, flattered, puppy-love feeling: you hadn’t felt this way in years. You really wish you could just brush it off, it wasn’t something you were used to. Instead, you let your mind wander for only a second - it would be a nice pastime to have a summer fling with someone in this forest. You were more than tempted. It would get your mind off of the impending doom you tended to feel in chaotic times like this. You could live a bit for once.

And the beautiful man in front of you could be the perfect candidate.

“Hmm, it’s convenient that you think so,” you reply, crossing your legs.

“Convenient? For you, or for me?” he questions. “Looking to get something out of your time in this forest, Captain?”

You pause. He’s bold. “Depends… what about you?”

Zeke lifts the book up slightly in his hand and flips it over to examine its withered back cover, “Not sure, maybe I’ll finally experience whatever this book is talking about. Something so desirable I could cheat my way into heaven with it.”

No. His tone wasn’t your imagination.

“I have a feeling you’ll end up being the prince that has to deal with someone else’s fuck-ups instead,” you laugh.

His lips curl back into a smile as he starts to laugh with you. “Doesn’t sound out of character,” he replies.

His pretty blonde hair ruffles a bit as the wind picks up. And shit - is that wind bitter. The miniscule fire wasn’t doing it’s best to warm you. You notice your limbs are shaking, too much for your jacket and hands to conceal. Zeke surely notices too, he’s been eyeing you this whole time after all.

“Here,” Zeke offers, pulling a thick corduroy coat off of the back of his chair.

“No, no. You should wear that. I’m alright,” you protest, rubbing your hands over your arms vigorously to try to stop your shuddering.

Zeke gets up from his seat anyway and crosses the gap between the two of you. You look up to him once he’s standing over you, embarrassed. Two big hands drape the hefty fabric over your shivering shoulders. You immediately feel warmer as your body heat gets trapped underneath it.

“Thanks,” you mutter, pulling on the jacket to adjust it on your arms.

The wind still howls as Zeke goes back to his metal chair. He sits down casually, taking another drag of his cigarette as his eyes move back to you, lingering on you gently -- like he feels satisfied or nostalgic. Your features looked so beautiful in the faint orange light of the fire, as the only focal point in his vision while darkness clouded everything behind you. He couldn’t help but stare.

“I do mean it,” he says as he exhales, “that you’re pretty.”

His words hang there for a moment. They wait for you on a hook, persuading you to take his bait. So he could reel you in.

“Trying to flatter your superiors huh? Well that’s one way to get what you want,” you retort.

“Who says you’re my superior, Captain Reader?” he jokes.

You laugh at him.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” you begin, “but I’ve never seen you around before. Are you from another branch of the military?”

Zeke pauses, letting out a huff of air.

“You know, with a reputation like yours, one would think you’d know your enemies a little better.”

Your face drops from a smile that rested high on your cheeks to a shocked, open-mouthed glare. You’re frozen. Why didn’t you assume…

“You’re the other Jaeger…” you trail off.

Zeke brings the cigarette back to his mouth and flips his book back open in response.

You stare down into the fire, unsure of what to do or say next. You were mortified. Maybe saying nothing was the answer - you’d already dug yourself into a hole by flirting with your prisoner. And damn, did Zeke deliberately let you. He knew who you were. He wanted you to feel this way. He led you on.

Who was supposed to deal with your fuck-up now?

You stand up, keeping your eyes on the ground.

“Goodnight, Zeke,” you say quietly, dropping his coat onto the chair.

You move quickly through the dark air that nips at your ears, back to the safety of your tent.

***

“Don’t go off and be an idiot,” Levi warns.

You assure him you wouldn’t, pouring a big glass of wine for yourself with a smile spread across your face.

Levi had been more than reluctant to let your soldiers bring this wine, but you’d done some convincing. This forest had been boring for the past few days. Laughing over a few drinks would be a sure way to liven up the crowd. You were just excited to finally get a taste of this Marleyan wine that everyone had been raving about.

You hadn’t seen Zeke since that night three days ago. Unfortunately, you couldn’t get him off of your mind. Partially because you were horribly embarrassed. And angry. You couldn’t believe you’d walked into his trap like that, practically offering yourself to him as a subject to humiliate. You were sure he’d enjoyed every bit of it.

And the other reason you couldn’t get him off of your mind…

He was a bit gorgeous. And you loved the way he talked to you, how it made you feel. Even though your time with him was so short, you secretly wanted more. You cursed yourself for thinking about him like that after all the harm he’d done to the Scouts. All of it made you sick - it was wrong, it made you feel like you had dirt on your hands.

But what if you tried to talk with him again? Just to sort your feelings out. Then you could be free to forget about him. This time, you would control yourself. You knew who he was now, and what it meant to be speaking with him. You were allowed to speak with him, you just had to be careful if you were going to proceed. None of you could trust him.

But the curiosity was still killing you.

You swirl the wine around in your glass as you dig the toe of your leather boot into the soft ground - trying to decide.

Anxious feet move below you before your mind is ready for them to, back toward Zeke’s tent.

It was nearly sundown, and beautiful purple rays beam through the forest, shattered from full display by hundreds of tree branches. The air was warm tonight, so there would be no need for Zeke's jacket again.

Once you see his camp, you notice he’s back in the same chair again. He’s still reading that torn-up book, this time with a pencil in his hand. He scratches little notes onto the pages here and there.

He looks up once he hears the familiar sound of your boots. The eyes behind his circular lenses scan you, lingering on the glass in your hand. You wonder if you should have brought him one.

“Hi, Zeke,” you say softly, making your way to the chair across the empty fire pit.

“Captain, thought I’d never see you again,” he says, a false excitement stuck in his voice.

You keep swirling your wine around in its glass, waiting for it to air out so you could take your first sip. It smelled divine, so fruity and fresh, in contrast with the earthy smells that the forest gave off.

Zeke looks up to you over the top rims of his glasses, unimpressed. You raise your glass to your lips, almost ready to tilt it back and let the chilled, burgundy wine rush into your mouth.

“That’s sluggish if you,” he remarks.

You pause, letting the cool glass linger on your bottom lip.

“What?” you bark, pulling the glass from your mouth.

He looks back down at his book, “No Marleyan strategist - or any good strategist for that matter - would drink in front of their adversaries. It makes you look sluggish.”

You just gape at him. He’s probably having fun while trying to irritate you. Two could play.

You put your arm out in front of you and flip the glass over, pouring the wine onto the wet dirt below. It splashes up onto your boots as it streams from your cup and runs down to spill into the fire pit.

“Happy?” you grumble, tossing the glass into the dirt. “Probably shitty wine anyway, considering you two come from the same place.”

He snickers, “Not quite. I was hoping you’d just hand the glass over.”

You regretted trying to talk to him now.

“Fine,” you sigh, getting up from your spot and turning back toward your tent. “Keep scribbling in your stupid book.”

“Actually, I was writing the two of us into the story.”

You’re sure he’s just pushing your buttons further - trying to lay another trap for you and capture you in another awkward moment of infatuation. But his words cause you to pause in your steps for a second.

“And what are we doing?” you question.

“We just cheated our way into heaven.”

“Creep,” you grumble before continuing to walk.

***

You hadn’t gone near that wine since. You had a grudge against it now, it completely ruined the mood last time you saw Zeke. But it had sure lightened the mood for everyone else, probably a little too much. Everyone except for Levi, of course. It was nearly impossible to change his mood.

In the meantime, you were still victim to unwarranted thoughts of Zeke in your head. This almost felt like a schoolgirl crush, how he bullied you a bit. This was more like torment, actually, considering you were trying to get him out of your head. But it didn’t change the fact that you liked what you saw.

Lately he was always reading that book and jotting down notes in it. And he rarely left his little corner of the campsite except for when he went on walks sometimes. You’d admire him from afar, careful never to let your eyes meet with his.

You’d take the images of him now burned into your brain back to bed with you, and stare up to the dark tent ceiling above. You’d fantasize about what it would have been like to meet Zeke in another life. One where the two of you weren’t enemies trapped on two different sides of a war. Where you didn’t feel guilt for your interest in someone who had jeopardized you and your comrades. Where the two of you were free to know one another.

You couldn’t pinpoint what kept driving this involuntary curiosity you felt towards him. It was tiring, honestly. But you wanted his company. Maybe you just wanted company in general -- it's not like you got along with him or anything.

Should you fix that? Did you even want to fix that? Would a peace offering be doing too much?

He did mention he wanted your glass of wine…

So one night, you cave. And you march over to the wooden cart that held dozens of cases of wine, an empty glass for Zeke in hand. You’re shocked to see only four measly bottles remain, laying on their sides in the only wooden case left. You could have sworn the shipment was full only a few days ago, but this camp had been set up for weeks now. Everyone here must be just as bored as you were, and several times more thirsty.

You pry open a cork and pour a few inches of wine into the glass, stopping to waft the crisp aroma into your nose. The air tonight was crisp too, it was cooler than it had been in recent days. You were adamant about remembering a jacket this time. The journey to Zeke’s tent feels long under the moonless sky. Hesitancy, followed by regret, pools into your brain as the dim light from his campfire comes into view.

Grow some balls, you’re convincing yourself that all of this means more than it really does. You’re bringing him a glass of wine for God’s sake.

There’s still time to turn around though… you could just finish the glass on your own. Out of range for him to bully you for it.

But he’s sitting there so prettily. He has his boots up on the rocks surrounding the fire pit, careful not to burn their soles in the flames. His blonde locks are pushed back slightly, giving you more room to look at his smooth face. And he’s certainly not busy, just reading his old book. Maybe he still had some compliments left for you despite all the bickering you two had done. Maybe he-

“Haven’t tried any of that ‘shitty’ wine yet, have you?” he questions. You hadn’t even noticed how close you are to him now. You’d gotten lost in him on the way.

“No…” you grumble, “it's for you. A peace offering.”

You stick your hand out. He receives the glass, lifting it up to examine it before taking a big drink.

“Ah,” he breathes, clearly satisfied. “It’s disgusting, Captain. Really.”

You stifle a laugh. “Everyone else seems to think so too. It’s all nearly gone.”

“Hmm,” he says, taking another sip, “None for you, I guess. Might as well just let it run out.”

“I think I will,” you mock, turning away from him to go sit in your chair,

The sizable fire Zeke had put together tonight was quick to thaw the chills on your arms. You really didn’t need your jacket after all, and opted to lay it over the back of your chair. The two of you sit there in silence for a while, taking in each other’s presence, observing the dying light in the forest.

Zeke looks at you eventually. Your eyes instinctually dart away.

“What made you want to come see me again?” Zeke asks.

You frantically search for an answer. You need to be careful.

“Boredom,” you reply flatly.

“You think so?” His attitude is back to how it was the first night you’d met. He’s engaged, focused, yet comes off so casual laying back up against his seat like that. He enjoys toying with you, like a cat to its prey.

Be careful.

“Don’t like my answer or something?”

That wasn’t exactly careful.

“No. You’re just not being honest.” He breathes that last word out like he needs to get a rise out of you, then he nonchalantly takes another drink while he waits for you to respond. Your mouth is open the slightest bit; you’re nervous, angry. He’s in your head now. He was reading you like that overused book of his.

“Then what do you want to hear from me?” you question. There’s thankfully still a false calmness in your voice.

“Just the truth. It’s not that complicated.”

You were sweating in front of this fire now. What was the truth? That you were interested in him? That you wanted nothing to do with him?

Be honest.

“I guess I just like your company,” you admit. Your eyes fall to the rocks lining the fire pit.

***

The discussion became pleasant after that, surprisingly. You guess you just needed to own up to how you felt. Your admittance caused some of the anger and tension tugging between the two of you to subside. The conversation was calm, collected, bouncing around from subject to subject: from the book, to life in Marley, to life in Paradis, to your occupation, and back to the book. Most of it was uneventful, but you liked that. It made it easy to pretend you were talking to him on the first night again, before you found out who he really was.

You left his camp with a giddy smile on your face. You’re on your way back to your tent now, after saying your goodbyes to Zeke. It was late, and you needed to be up early to have an important conversation with Levi. And god forbid he found out about any of this business between you and Zeke. Even though nothing was serious, it would come off unprofessional. And rightfully so.

You’re so lost in thought by the time you’re opening your tent door that you didn’t realize your arms were cold. The jacket you brought was probably still hanging off the chair at Zekes fire pit. It would look suspicious if you left it there and one of the other soldiers happened to see it.

You go back quietly, careful not to let anyone hear your footsteps. A couple of scattered thoughts weave their way into your head on your journey - what if this was another ploy of his? An attempt to get you back where he wants you, this time late at night. But how could it be? You were the one who left your jacket there. If anything, this was your own attempt to lead yourself back to him. Did you want him that badly… deep down?

When you reach your chair, you find it to be empty. You check around its sides, back, and underside - no jacket in sight. Out of the corner of your eye, a sliver of light shows from under the tarp serving as Zeke’s tent door. He’d probably noticed it and taken it inside with him after you’d gone home.

Halfheartedly, you meander to the tent door. You tap on it once the limited glimmer of light from inside touches the toes of your boots.

“Zeke? Do you have my jacket?” you whisper, still flicking the tarp to get his attention.

No answer.

Cold air stings your exposed skin as a draft swoops down through the camp. You also were wary of any observers that happened to be out this late at night. There was no telling what it looked like you might be doing outside his tent at the moment. The more uncomfortable you became out here, the more impatient you got.

“Zeke!” you hiss, whipping your head around your shoulder to double check your surroundings.

Still nothing but silence on the other side. Had he fallen asleep already?

The urge to pull back the tent door hits you. It would only take a moment to retrieve the jacket, then you’d be on your way.

Once again, making this a bigger deal than it really is.

But that didn’t matter. It felt like a big deal. That’s what every situation that involved him felt like. A big, complicated, multidimensional deal.

Be careful.

That wasn’t the answer either. Being careful was a good tactic when it came to strategizing your next moves in war. It was sometimes rendered useless when dealing with love. This was out of your control. And that was ok. That was what compelled you toward him - the mystery, the rush.

Let go.

You grip the tarp, it crinkles under your stiff fingers as you pull it back. A rush of warm air hits you, along with the light of a few oil lamps. And Zeke… shirtless. Sitting on his unmade bed with your jacket in hand.

The sight of his sculpted body in front of you sets a nervous, unprepared spark off in you, causing you to shut the door fast and stumble inside. And all at once, there you were - back in Zeke’s grasp. You accepted that wanted to be there.

“My jacket... ” you say, staring hard at the fabric in his hands, trying to avoid eye contact with his bare chest.

He stands up in silence and comes to your side, raising the jacket up once he gets real close to you. Oh no, he’s draping it over your shoulders again, slowly this time around, taking his time to stare into your puppy dog eyes. Dammit - the hot cheeks, the butterflies, the embarrassment. All of it was back now, in an instant he had you feeling like puddy in his hands. The two of you stare at each other as his hands adjust the jacket around you, stopping to play with one of the buttons on the front.

“You’re forgetful,” he mumbles, still focused on the button on your chest. His tone is sweet and quiet, a small smile appears out of one corner of his mouth.

You weren’t breathing, or thinking. Just looking down innocently at the hand that was so close to you.

“I’m not… normally,” you say quietly.

Zeke’s hands move to grip each side of the front of your jacket gently. His eyes move up from the hands placed on your jacket, and back to you. To your lips. You part them at the realization, swallowing the lump that suddenly appeared in your throat.

He shifts further in towards you, tugging on your jacket the slightest bit.

One cohesive thought rises up in the blankness of your brain. You want to kiss him.

The urge was mutual. Your lashes flutter against your cheeks a few times before you shut them, turning your head slightly to the right. Zeke follows your lead. You feel warm fingertips touch your chin and guide you to his soft pair of lips. His other hand abandons your jacket and comes down to meet your waist, slowly sliding to the small of your back. You melt into his touch, pulling yourself in closer. Chills go down your neck at the sensation of being in his arms, at his mercy. It feels so right, so warm and gentle. You want to keep going - so bad. You want him to hold you, touch you, kiss you harder.

But only for a moment.

You pull away once the guilt hits your core, gently touching your fingers to your lips.

Zeke stares at you, his eyes a bit wider than normal. His arms have gone limp at his sides without having you to occupy them any longer. You can tell there’s something on the tip of his tongue, something that might save the situation and bring your lips back to his. You didn’t want to hear it.

“It’s wrong. This is all wrong,” you say, backing up into the tent door behind you.

You think of the war. You think of your duties. You think of who Zeke really is. Any fluttering in your stomach was gone now, instead it was filled by tinges of regret.

“You’re right. It is,” he responds. He walks back over to his bed and sits on the quilt ruffled at its end. He runs a hand through his hair as he turns his head away from you. “I figured you’d be smart enough not to kiss back.”

You were almost too shocked to notice how much his words burned. Your mouth hangs open as your eyes squint at him a bit. Emotion courses through you as your mind crashes down from the high you were just on. You needed out of this tent.

You grip the tarp resting against your back and fling it open. You felt lost, speed walking away from Zeke’s tent and toward the center of camp. The night concealed the confusion on your face, but only for a minute. A fire glows near your tent, lighting up your surroundings - its Levi. You try your best to avoid him, changing your course to avoid his eyes.

“What are you doing awake, Reader,” Levi questions dully.

You don’t let out any response other than stopping in your tracks.

“Is everything... alright?”

“I just,” you search for anything appropriate, any excuse for your apparent distress, “don’t like being in this forest.”

You both go quiet for a moment, listening to the snapping of thin branches in the fire.

Levi breaks the silence, “That’s actually what I was going to mention to you tomorrow. The MP’s need you for something. I was going to give you the choice to go back, or stay here.”

Going back. Maybe that was the right answer you’d tried so hard to find.

***

You shove all of your belongings into your suitcase early the next morning. It didn’t take you long to decide you needed to abandon this mission. Nothing between you and Zeke would ever work out, and your feelings for him were only a burden to everyone here, and yourself.

You lug your bags to a horse and cart that had been set up for you, tossing them over the cart’s walls and into the back.

Climbing up into the front seat, you notice a gift waiting for you - that overused book. Zeke must have finally figured out how to fake his way into heaven.

You decided to read some of it on the way back.

Zeke sure had written his own story inside of it. All of the notes he’d scribbled in the margins were in another language, presumably from Marley - a secret story you’d never get to understand. Only for him to know.

***

You heard news of what happened in the forest a few days after you arrived home. You couldn’t process it at first, instead you just sat in disbelief and denial. Then the ‘what ifs’ set in. What if you had stayed? Maybe you could have stopped Zeke from doing all the damage he decided to cause. The tear-filled anger set in after that.

There was only one chapter of his book left now. You felt disgusted looking at it, a reminder of everything you’d felt for him. You needed to sit yourself down and get through it so you could finally throw it away - and finally forget about him forever.

You come to the final page. It was intended to be blank, a sort of protectant between the ink on the last page and the back cover. But instead, there’s a penciled in note. From Zeke.

His writing in your language was messy and shaky. You assumed he could read in your language, but may not be practiced in writing in it. This was probably the first message he’d ever written in it. All for you.

—

Dear Captain Reader,

I tend to avoid feeling guilty for much. I probably won’t feel guilty for everything I’m about to do to your soldiers in this forest.

I did feel guilty, however, when I saw your beautiful face that night you found me alone in the forest. And then I realized you were caring, brilliant, and a strategist that was far smarter than I was.

Well, this was my attempt at strategizing.

Pulling you in and then pushing you away. I hoped the guilt and confusion would make you leave. Make you think you were unfit for the assignment, too distracted by me. Heartbroken, even. Anything to get you out of here.

Now, I’m not too sure there will be anyone to rescue you. I won’t be able to again. Take care of yourself. Stay sharp.

I hope you enjoyed the book. I was really never a fan of the ending.

Zeke

—

Author's Note:

Dear anon: You gave me a lottt of free rein with this one, so I hope it was ok ●﹏● (and not too angsty and complicated lol. You said they kinda hate each other but theres chemistry and I just ran with it. Oopsies.) This was one of my favorite fics to write, ever, I think! I had a lot of fun with the dialogue especially. Thanks so much for the request, and thanks to everyone else for reading! Lots of love - Shep :)

[tobegiggledat]

An Inflamed Encore

❀pairing: Dabi x GN!reader

❀warnings: Chapter 290 spoilers ahead, mentions of murder and violence

❀word count: 0.6k

❀a/n: I was thinking about his character recently and I wanted to write a little somethin. Also excuse the errors I’m kinda sleepy

To murder a loved one is an act of intimacy many won’t come to understand until they encounter someone who does.

It’s about leaving a mark, in a way. A grand gesture to make up for years of lost affection, because significance that isn’t gained through love will be taken with violence.

And Dabi’s performance was only the precursor, with a mere utterance of the syllables Touya Todoroki that had all of Japan gazing intently, but most importantly his father, who would eventually be consumed by deep cobalt flames that flicker too beautifully for the death of his kind…

Yes, the hero’s guilt is worthless now, and inequivalent to the love that would satiate his son's childhood longing. After all, many have felt guilty for actions they've done to someone they don't truly care for, what makes this any different?

And if love for one's child doesn't exist within its first few breaths, it'll never appear at all. Despite this, he had 13 years to pretend it did and he didn't, but Touya will make him care somehow.

Years of careful orchestrating went into his display—delicate strings puppeted by scarred yet skillful hands to allow everything to fall into place.

The disguise, the message and lastly the reveal were forethought for a show that would finally give him the attention he's craved since youth. His special audience member stands front and center, slightly glazed eyes and peaked brows conveying an appall too great to forget.

Yet you also watched with a different awe; the boy who was still ruined by the thought that he wasn't anything beyond his innate abilities, and when those abilities weren't enough, he was deemed unworthy of affection before he even had the chance to prove it.

From the lovely “one and only first born” to a leftover, he was replaced. Continually replaced and with each replacement he’d frantically fight harder for the last remnants of love until there wouldn’t be any more left for him.

He would disappear before he ever received it though, with feelings of inadequacy ingrained within him by his very creator, and because of it he would succumb to the idea that no one else will think any different.

And while you didn't know the details of his past, his parade revealed more than what words could have.

“Look at what you’ve crafted!”, his shuffling shouted, legs laced with years of resentment. “Are my skills finally valuable in your eyes?”, his gleaming smile portrayed as he tumbled freely.

His temporary spotlight would be enough to illuminate your world.

Where a part of you remained in the past, in a lonesome dark room, with a lamp with dimming light resting above your head as you squinted restlessly into the void around you, desperate as you would look for any signs of others.

He remains in the past as well; both of you doomed to never leave it, but a part of you doesn’t want to leave. And maybe he doesn’t want to either, because it’s easier to stay there when you feel as though you have no future ahead of you.

It was difficult for your eyes to adjust to his brightness initially, but when they did you wished to make it brighter, to give him an even greater platform for his next moves.

From then on, you would offer to aid his success, even if it were from along the sidelines.

Of course, what good is a performance without someone behind the scenes?

[asturlavi]

oh boy, do i have wonderful beast oda/odazai info for you all since this may just be my favorite chapter in all of beast. it clarified a lot about oda's state in this au, and how sad it truly is, especially with all that dazai has done to ensure that oda's safety is certain

before i start, this was initially intended to be a quirky little twitter thread that’s supposed to be kicked off with a badly drawn doodle of something meme. the thread was supposed to be about how wonderfully dumb odasaku can be and how annoyingly frustrating dazai is in the latest beast chapter... and then it slowly devolved into a crudely written essay about small discoveries i’ve made that most likely haven’t been pointed out before, so i recommend that anyone interested in either oda or odazai to check this out 

so i finally got around to reading the new beast chapter and seeing how odasaku constantly devalues himself and finds that he's lesser than the average person is… sad. its been said that him and ranpo are the stars of the ada, every mission trivial with their cooperation, and yet he doesn't see any of that. thinks he struck luck when it came to his entrance exam, which he specifies that it wasn't as a result of his own skills. his inferiority complex is embedded so deep that despite his achievements, he doesn't at all believe he has any worth as a human.

i'm just a tired, ordinary man like you could find anywhere. a third-rate detective, as unexceptional as a fallen cigarette butt on the road.

and his entrance exam was just like dazai's: the azure messenger case, which we all know wasn't at all a walk in the park. one mistake, and it would spell disaster for the city that the ada was trying to protect. no--not just the city, it would also mean the end of the ada as we know it. despite it all, he resolved it much to his own surprise, and it was all thanks to an "unexpected" gift. and that gift? who would it be other than from dazai himself? 

beast light novel ch. 3

(also, this is a shaky claim at best but I feel as if oda fully holds the capabilities to solve the case alone, but dazai knew that with odasaku's persistent feelings of self-doubt, along with his lack of some of the vivacity that dazai held to weasel his way through to information, the outcome of success wouldn’t be guaranteed. and so, dazai lent him something to ensure his success)

and yet, oda is blind to see truly how much intellect and skill he possesses. he doesn't realize how integral he was to the quest of the azure messenger, doesn't acknowledge that without him these orphans would have either slipped into a life of crime, gone to a downtrodden orphanage, or simply passed away, and he doesn't know that despite it all, he's one of the purest characters in the story, even with the darkness that will forever cling to him, a reminder of the violence that marred his past.

not to mention that oda, in one way or another, effectively analyzed the current situation that they're stuck in. he noted that if things currently go the way they're going, no matter what akutagawa achieves, him and his sister are doomed. so, oda brilliantly decided to go after the port mafia itself to prepare for this possibility, and it's nothing short of genius. and dazai plays along with this… because it is oda, after all. 

and everything dazai did, everything he sacrificed, it was all for oda.

now to the underlying tragedy of this chapter. take a look at this panel: 

ever since then, i've been making a living by solving requests that come to the detective agency.

i provide for the orphans

i drink coffee.

i gamble a bit on days off.

at night, i write a novel in the kitchen. 

that's my life.

nothing unusual, right? you'd think that odasaku was satisfied with life, since he has everything he had ever wished for. but in all actuality, he still lacks one important thing.

and that's friendship.

his words sounded so… empty. achieving ones dreams is but one aspect of life that brings one gratification, but doesn't necessarily mean it would guarantee lasting happiness. (think of famous actors or celebrities that spiral into depression even after they've achieved their dreams).

in that panel, he says he cares for the orphans, gambles, and writes alone in his spare time, but not a word of spending time with friends… something he had in the root universe, something that was lost to him in this one.

and he says this all with his face blacked out, as if he's somewhat implicitly dissatisfied (while the kid's faces are present, not at all concealed).

with dazai, he found peace in a place where peace is rare to find. They both completely put their guard down with each other around, and dazai can relax his overly speculative mind with oda. and they understood each other, a level of understanding rare to come by. dazai with his dark jokes easily flies past oda's ears because that's what they are, harmless jokes. and oda with his blunt honesty, which dazai cherishes and never prods him for it.

dazai also saw things in oda that oda was blind to. dazai saw a world of beauty in oda, the ray of light beneath a cloudy sky. he saw both intelligence and wisdom, kindness and generosity. and most of all, he trusted oda, despite dazai’s natural inclination to distrust.

and what oda saw in dazai was vulnerability. despite the front that dazai puts, he can be kind, even empathetic, when the situation calls for it. dazai once gave akutagawa a decision to turn his back against dazai’s offer to join the port mafia, when logic points to the fact that he didn't have to, but wanted to.

dazai also consistently gives atsushi words of advice and shows understanding when dazai was under no obligation to, such as atsushi facing the loss of his previous caretaker. dazai gave atsushi genuine advice, not laced with any malice or ill intent. dazai had even left atsushi to grieve alone, fully understanding that atsushi needed to pour his emotions out in private. there’s more than enough instances of dazai showing this side of himself in both the light novels and manga, but it seems to sometimes be brushed aside. even though the main cast of characters always dismissed this side of dazai, oda has always known that this side of dazai was his truest self.

oda and dazai also talked endlessly about trivial things, calling each other daily for two hours for no reason other than that they each enjoy one another's company. it's pure, wholesome love. they had a mutual trust and understanding between one another, which ango, another friend of theirs, severely lacked in his friendship with them.

oda's dream was to write, gone unfulfilled in the root universe, but he died happily knowing that the one he cares for is living in the path of light. dazai's was to find a reason to live, which he found in oda, and continues to use this as motivation long after oda passed.

in beast, dazai's dream was cut short, ultimately leading to his demise at the end. after all, his one reason to live is now robbed from him. however, oda's dreams have become a reality, but can one really say he achieved happiness? he has the orphans, his children, but they will never understand him like dazai had. he has peace, but is it the form of peace he wanted? spending time alone, on things like gambling, while endlessly mulling how he has no one to spend this time with?

and writing, his one true wish that dazai made absolutely sure to make a reality. but was it worth it, at the cost of a friend who brought happiness and reprieve when everyone else failed to?

i thought of this tale as a matter of equivalent exchange, you lose one life in exchange for another. the scales do remain somewhat balanced, but not over a matter of lives. it's over a matter of personal sacrifices, ones only known to us readers.

and i say "somewhat" because in the root universe, dazai remembered oda when he was alive, so well that dazai can recall memories to near perfection. but oda had completely forgotten dazai in beast, chasing after absent memories and deluding himself into thinking his life is perfect, while numbing himself from the aching hole of loneliness that consumes him inside.

also, oda is surely happy spending time with the children, but what about his lonesome hours? who is he going to spend that time with, in a world without dazai, the only person who understood him and his oddities?

ah, and remember this moment in the root universe? 

now, take a look at this again. no, look closer 

odasaku wasn’t merely gambling for the sake of it, he was gambling on a horse race. and before dazai was arrested in the root universe, he was seen doing just that. 

now, why would odasaku do this? he surely doesn’t seem the type to gamble away his money on something as silly as horse races, because what does someone gain while they pour their money into something so senseless? 

and the only reason i could arrive to is that dazai must have dragged him along to one. dazai is a port mafia executive, with more money than he knows what to do with and a boatload of depression. money probably disinterests him as much as life does, and he used gambling to kill two birds with one stone: ridding of money he doesn’t need, and distracting him from his boredom (and depression). 

and it doesn’t end there. remember when dazai in dead apple had visited bar lupin to pay his regards to odasaku, while reliving a pleasant memory dazai had with him? and he did this because he was preparing for a quest that may result in with the loss of his life, psyching himself up for what’s to come. this is probably bordering on speculation, but i believe that that’s precisely what he did once again in the horse races. dazai paid a visit to a place that oda and him had frequented, to prepare for another dangerous quest. 

also, note that immediately after exiting bar lupin in dead apple, dazai was confronted by ango, which kicked off the start of dazai’s plans. a similar thing happens in the manga, dazai spending time in a place that he and oda had gone to, this time the horse races, and his plan whirls into motion as jono arrests him. i think these similarities are deliberate, in order to establish their significance to dazai and oda. 

this long winded explanation’s purpose was only for me to go back to this panel once again, and say that everything oda spoke about doing, from spending time with his kids, to brewing coffee, to betting on horse races, and to writing in the kitchen, were all moments he had with dazai. 

and see that he has an extra chair that sits unused in the kitchen? at first, i thought it was there for the sake of being there. then, it slowly dawned on me that odasaku and dazai had noted in the dark era light novel that they made a habit of visiting each other, so it wouldn’t be illogical to conclude that it was a chair meant for dazai. a place where he can spend some private moments together with oda underneath the dimly lit kitchen, drinking in the scent of odasaku’s coffee and talking about things that distracts them from their troubles while odasaku whittles away at his manuscript. 

and one last thing before i end this out of sheer laziness, take a look at this photograph of oda from the final moments of the beast light novel.

as oda stated in the manga and light novel, he worked on his manuscript alone in the kitchen... but in the photograph, he wasn’t alone. he’s posing for a picture. relaxed, poised, as if entertaining the one taking the photo. and besides, wasn’t it dazai who insisted on taking photographs in bar lupin with ango and oda in dark era? he must have done the same in that very moment in the beast universe, but this time in anticipation of oda forgetting him. 

in the end, it seems oda and dazai left each other in similar ways, foolishly believing they've sacrificed their lives for each other to better the other's life, but all they did was create worlds where the feeling of happiness will be lost to both respective parties, while also resigning each other to a life of loneliness.

they've forgotten about their one happiness that stems from just being around one another, listening to the soothing tune of jazz playing softly as they talk into the night, the world lost to them as they're absorbed in one another's presence.

it seems like their story is a tragedy of what happens when you love someone too much, to the point that you delude yourself into thinking you're but a tool for their happiness, and with you gone, nothing will change.

but things did change, didn't they?

[erotomania-if]

so i’ve never been cheated on but i have witnessed the aftermath of it from my parents' relationship. having listened to what both my parents have had to say about it and what family friends have had to say about it, it seems like their relationship was doomed from the start. they fought a lot, even before the cheating happened, and they broke up not long after i was born. however, i say all this to say that despite all the shit that has happened between them, believe it or not, they are each other's best friend.

even to this day, i don't understand the how or the why of it all but they truly have a bond like no other. their relationship is strictly platonic; i just don't think they were meant to love each other romantically (not for forever at least). but they understand each other better than anyone else and if one of them is in trouble, the other will help them, no questions asked. despite the fighting and everything else they've put each other through, their love for each other is so strong, it's crazy. of course, not everyone understands their relationship. some people will never understand it. like i said, i still don't fully understand it and when i was growing up, the fact that they were still so close actually made me mad.

this is turning into a very long tangent (my apologies) but i brought this up because the truth of the matter is, relationships are complicated. i am not at all excusing what hope did and mc has every right to be mad and lash out (bc that’s certainly what i would do) but at the end of the day, hope and mc still love each other and that’s what makes this whole thing so complicated. now whether their love for each other remains romantic is completely up to the player but the love is still there and in reality, it’s not easy to just drop all of it because of one bad thing that happened. mc of course doesn’t have to stay with hope but their relationship doesn’t need to end on bad terms either (and every emotion and ending is valid because we all handle and process things differently). we as the audience may not understand it (especially bc we don’t know hope like the mc does - i mean they are a fictional character) but that’s just life; everyone does things for reasons we will never understand. and not everything has to be black and white: it's possible to love someone who has done you wrong and to have conflicting feelings towards (and maybe even "hate") a loved one. mc and hope are still allowed to love each other after all of this, whether it be in a romantic way or a strictly platonic way.

(sorry this is so long haha. the topic of cheating kind of strikes a nerve for me because of my parents and after reading some of the responses from some very angry anons, i felt like sharing my thoughts. i mean, those anons are valid in feeling angry towards what hope did but that doesn't mean they should be allowed to attack other anons who want to forgive hope or you for trying to explain that the situation is complicated)

❤❤❤

[meta-enthusiasm]

You know what I am really fucking tired of seeing in popular media?

The "evil, hysterical woman in power" trope. The clichè that potrays women who are in a position of power as overzealous, unhinged, power hungry maniacs who are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Female leaders are shown as less resonable and down to earth as their male counterparts, and are often villainized by either the fandom or the narrative of the story itself. They are doomed to fail because of their womanliness and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans, preferably by a man, or a woman who performs the 'right' kind of femininity.

This trope relies on the sexist misconception that women are more fragile than men, more emotionally unstable and unpredictable.

"Women aren't cut out to be leaders, they should be nurturing and supportive and tend to their families. Having higher aspirations is against their nature and will eventually break them and drive them crazy."

That type of bullshit that was designed to keep women out of leadership positions and keep oppressing us. To keep us quiet and submissive.

Here are a few examples to further explain this stereotype:

Daenerys Targaryen is one of the most well known characters to fall victim to this trope. She is an abuse and rape victim, seeking to change the current social and political systems of the world because she knows how many people suffer under its injustice. ("Crush the wheel.")

For all her compassion and charity she has shown over the series, the writers decided that it would be reasonable for her to go crazy at the end of the show and, despite promising she wouldn't inflict more damage than necessary, kill thousands of innocent people whose government had already surrendered to her.

And guess who had to kill her in the end? Yup, another man. Her love interest, who was "forced" to betray her.

Next, we have:

Morgana Pendragon, from "Merlin". To remind you, she is an abuse victim who had to endure her father's controlling behavior and bigoted attitude towards people with magic abilities which, suprise suprise, she turned out to have. She had to watch as her father murdered and oppressed people just like herself, and when she challenged that behavior, he would come down hard with punishment. (Going so far as to actually throwing her in the dungeons for a couple days.)

Eventually, she rebelled against the corrupt system and had her genocidal father killed. She led a rebellion against Camelot after Uther's son (Arthur) continued to oppress magicians under his reign, and sought to create a better future for herself and her people.

So far so good, right? Well, no. The problem here is that she is the antagonist of the story. She is portrayed as being in the wrong for not quietly taking the injustice and watching it happen.

Halfway through the show, she becomes obsessed with power and status and desperately chases after the throne of Camelot. She is extremly vindictive, manipulative and cruel to others to archieve her goals. She is a "hysterical woman" who is out of control, emotionally unstable, challenges the patriarchy, and therefore needs to be defeated.

Her death was portrayed as tragic, yet absolutely necessary.

(Of course it had to be a man who killed her.)

Azula is the epitome of this horrid, misogynistic trope. She is a fierce, ambitious leader and highly skilled fire bender, respected and feared among her people. She is highly driven and succeeds at almost everything she sets her mind to.

Ever since she came into this world, she was better at everything than Zuko. She was a better fighter than him, a better bender, better strategist, better child. And that is precisely the reason why she had to lose in the end.

Despite coming from the exact same circumstances as Zuko, the story and the fandom at large see Azula as way less redemable and likable than him. Even though she is an abuse victim whose own mother hated her and is a literal child soldier, she doesn't get any sympathy from the protagonists of the story. The otherwise so understanding and wise Iroh even calls her "crazy", (which is, if you've done some basic research into misogynistic expressions, really fucking problematic.) and tells Zuko that there is no saving her. Why? He doesn't tell, but it's obvious that the writers made him say this because of their own internalized sexist beliefs. She isn't offered a way out of her toxic environment like Zuko was. She didn't get the support from Iroh because he had already given up on her.

To top it off, she has a nervous breakdown near the end and loses her remaining sanity. Because, you know, "She's craaaazy!! And SO unstable!! Typical woman." (Not to mention how this further stigmatizes mental illness and portrays it as something only evil people get.)

She was supposed to become the next fire lord, a position that carries utmost power and influence. Of course, such authority could not be given to a woman. That's why Zuko, a man, gets to be the next fire lord, and we are left assuming Azula will be spending the rest of her days in prison.

The writers assume the audience detests Azula and wants her to suffer. She doesn't deserve a happy ending, or the love and support that Zuko got.

Why? Because she poses a threat to the status quo, the patriarchy. She challenged the belief that men had to be the best and most efficient at everything they do, that women could indeed be better leaders and be happy with having a career and not be nurturing, motherly figures to the men in their lives. And for that transgression, for breaking gender stereotypes, Azula was punished.

(It's also why Katara, someone who performs the "right" kind of femininity by being nurturing, motherly, supportive, healing, doting, and is the care taker of the group, ends up taking Azula, the evil and perverted form of femininity, down. I believe @batboyblog has made a similar post about this.)

This is Carmilla from the popular Netflix show "Castlevania", and if you've payed attention to my previous points, it should be pretty obvious what her character represents and how her story ends.

Note that she is also an abuse and rape survivor who is represented as evil and cruel for being angry at what was done to her.

To top it off, she is also an example of the man hating woman stereotype, whose anger at the misogyny and sexism of the world is portrayed as an "overreaction" and as "too much".

At the end of the story, she had to be taken down by another man (Isaac) so that the status quo could be preserved, and the reign of a crazy bitch like her could be stopped. Horay, the day is saved from yet another unstable, selfish woman who would have brought suffering and pain over her country if allowed to rule. Hysterical women with their demand for equality.

Conclusion:

In all these examples, we can see female abuse victims thriving for power and status, for respect, being represented as something negative and something to avoid. Trying to fundamentally change a system that is rigged against women/female representing people is a fruitless endevour that will eventually fail and drive us crazy, because our minds aren't strong enough to handle this type of responsibility and status.

Holding on to anger and bitterness over what was done to us is the sign of a bad person, and the only morally acceptable path is to forgive/ignore our abusers and let the injustice continue to happen.

Strangely enough though, that same gaslighting, victim blaming mentality gets almost never applied to male characters. Men who seek vengeance are never portrayed as weak or crazy for giving in to the wish of changing a corrupt system/killing bad people. (Batman, the Punisher, Hawkeye, John Wick, Jason Todd, Erin, Scar from FMAB, Iron Man, and so on)

The reason why these stereotypes almost never apply to men but almost always to women is sexism. There is no other explanation for this. These tropes were specifically designed to make society believe that women aren't cut out for leadership positions and are happiest with domestic, easy tasks like watching after our children and taking care of the household.

Women who are angry, women who are dominant are to be feared and distrusted. They are represented as a danger to the general public and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans.

Feel free to add further examples.

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.

[uhlikzsuzsanna]

SPOILER WARNING: Do not read if you haven’t seen all of Season 1 of “Loki,” currently streaming on Disney Plus.

Ever since “Loki” first premiered in June, Kate Herron, who directed all six episodes of the Marvel Studios series, has had to pretend like she knew far less than she really does. For one, she couldn’t acknowledge that the homages to sci-fi classics like “Blade Runner” and “Brazil” that she’d baked into the elaborate sets for the Time Variance Authority — the cosmic bureaucracy tasked with maintaining the sacred timeline — were “meant to be sinister” rather than just “playful and quirky.”

For another, Herron was delighted to see fans theorizing after the very first episode that Kang the Conqueror — a character already set to appear in the Marvel Studios feature “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania,” as played by Jonathan Majors — was really pulling the strings of the TVA. But until the finale streamed last Wednesday, she couldn’t even hint that those fans were only half right: Majors does play the mastermind of the TVA, but he’s a variant of Kang referred to as He Who Remains. It’s only after He Who Remains encounters Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and his female variant counterpart Sylvie (Sophia Di Martino), and Sylvie plunges a blade into his heart, that the multiverse is reborn, creating the possibility for Kang the Conqueror to emerge.

Again, though: Herron couldn’t acknowledge any of that, even to those closest to her.

“Nothing has prepared me better for working with Marvel than playing tabletop games with my friends,” she says with a laugh. “It definitely taught me how to have a good poker face. You have to hide your hand — and sometimes lie.”

Now, thankfully, all of that is behind her — as is “Loki” itself. Despite receiving widespread acclaim for her assured, ambitious, and visually sumptuous work directing the show, Herron says she has decided not to return for Season 2 of the series.

“I gave it everything — in my soul, in my heart, everything,” she says. “I feel so proud of the work we’ve done. And yeah, I’ll be enjoying Season 2 as a fan.”

She’s quick to sing the praises of everyone she worked with at Marvel, and she says she’s “sure” she’ll work again with the studio. For now, however, she’s ready to take a holiday, and then turn to a project she’s writing herself “that’s really close to my heart that I really want to make.”

“It’s my own decision, but I just feel like my part with ‘Loki’ is finished now and I’m just excited to see where his story goes,” she says.

Before she parts ways for good, however, Herron spoke with Variety about bringing Jonathan Majors into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, what she thought of the shocking revelation about infinity stones and what she would like to see happen in Season 2.

She always knew “Loki” would introduce Kang and the Multiverse…

From the very start, Herron says, she and head writer Michael Waldron knew that their six-episode run of “Loki” would always end with Loki and Sylvie meeting He Who Remains at his citadel, the result of which would cause the creation of the multiverse.

As Episode 6 makes clear, both of these events were massive turning points for the future of the MCU — and Herron still can’t quite believe she got to be the one to make them a reality.

“We were just, like, waiting to be told, ‘Actually, guys, we’ve had a change [of heart],'” Herron says. Instead, Herron says she and “Quantumania” director Peyton Reed participated in casting Majors in the role.

“I was just like, pinch me,” she says. “I can’t believe I was at the table for that, because I know it was such a big decision for them all.”

Herron also decided to have Majors provide the voices for all three “Timekeepers” who are supposedly at the head of the TVA, but are revealed by Sylvie to be nothing more than “mindless androids.”

“We didn’t have someone cast for those voices,” she says. “I remember thinking, well, ‘Wizard of Oz’ is clearly a reference for us. We should have the wizard. It’d be great if it’s Jonathan. So we sent him all the art of the timekeepers. And he just kind of came up with these incredible voices for each of them.”

…but not with a cliffhanger.

The most significant decision of the season, though, may be that it ends with a giant cliffhanger, when Loki discovers he’s in a brand new reality for the TVA in which Mobius (Owen Wilson) and Hunter B-15 (Wunmi Mosaku) don’t even recognize him. But while Herron knew how this season of “Loki” would end, at first, she did not know that there would be any more seasons after it.

“When I started, there wasn’t a discussion of Season 2, exactly,” she says. “It was just that season of ‘Loki.’ As we got deeper into production, everyone was very happy, and obviously there’s so much to explore with Loki. It felt like we should continue the story. So I think the cliffhanger ending came in later in the process.”

Herron says she sprinkled in some hints to viewers that Loki is in a new timeline, like redressing sets to look slightly off, and recasting Eugene Cordero’s TVA receptionist Casey as a hunter headed to the armory in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment. But her favorite bit is that the final line — said by Mobius to Loki — is the same as the first line spoken in the show, by a woman in the Gobi desert, also to Loki: “Who are you?”

“That was kind of the question of the whole first season,” Herron says.

She was just as shocked about the Infinity Stones as everyone else.

In the first episode, Loki discovers to his horror that not only does his magic not work inside the TVA, but Infinity Stones — heretofore believed to be the most powerful objects in the known universe — are just inert rocks there. The revelation sent shockwaves across the Marvel fandom; Herron was right there with them.

“That was in Michael’s script when I first got it to pitch [for the directing job],” she says. “I remember being like, ‘WHAT?! You put me through so much!’ But then I thought, ‘Oh, it’s kind of genius, because it shows how powerful the TVA are. Who are these people? What is this place?'”

Herron especially appreciated how her shock — and the audience’s — mirrored Loki’s own as the rug gets pulled out from under him. “I was quite excited by it,” she says. “It really shows you that there’s a new power in the MCU — and it’s not what we we spent the last decade dedicating our lives to.”

She told Kevin Feige she wanted gender parity among her crew.

Prior to “Loki,” Herron’s most high profile job was directing the second half of the first season of the Netflix dramedy “Sex Education.” She got the “Loki” job thanks to a 60-page pitch memo that filled out just about every detail of the world of the show. After hiring her, she says Marvel Studios chief Kevin Feige asked her, “What are your terms?”

“This was the first time I was gonna get to hire my heads of department on a television show I worked on,” she says. “I was like, I’d really love [the crew] to be 50/50 across gender.”

Herron says she wasn’t out to fill any jobs on the film with a specific gender. But, she says, “There aren’t enough women in these roles. They’re out there. It’s a lack of opportunity. It’s not a lack of interest.”

She did end up hiring two women for critical roles that are still rarely occupied by women: cinematographer Autumn Durald (“The Sun Is Also a Star”) and composer Natalie Holt (History’s “Knightfall”).

“I felt like she was inside my mind,” Herron says of Durald. “We have the same taste. And I love the way that she talks about light as a character.”

Herron hired Holt unusually early for a composer, after she’d completed editing the first episode during the pandemic shutdown. She knew that the particular sci-fi film noir look of the show that she was developing with Durald needed similarly unique music, and she liked that part of Holt’s pitch was focusing on Loki’s identity as a character.

“Her music then started to inspire how I wanted to shoot other scenes,” Herron says. She’s especially enamored of Holt’s vision for her dynamic and foreboding theme for the TVA.

“She was like, ‘Oh, let’s have that theme be Kang’s’ — well, He Who Remains, I guess, in our show. But I hope that will go on to be Kang’s theme. That was the real fun of it is that you feel like he’s really played a hand now across the whole show, because you realize that music is his music.”

Herron, Durald, and Holt all deliver distinctive and superlative work that’s nothing like the MCU has quite seen before — and nothing quite like anything previously in their careers, either. And that’s entirely the point.

“I think for us, it was about just showing people what we could do and that we could do it at this level,” Herron says.

The episode in which Loki comes out as bisexual was inspired by Alfonso Cuarón and Richard Linklater.

Every episode of “Loki” features multiple extended scenes of two characters just talking to one another, a rarity in a comic book production. Herron says that cutting Episode 1 together during the pandemic lockdown and seeing the scenes between Loki and Mobius (Owen Wilson) play out so well “definitely gave us confidence” to continue that rhythm for the rest of the show.

That was especially true for Episode 3. Written by Bisha K. Ali (who went on to create the upcoming Marvel Studios series “Ms. Marvel”), the episode is essentially an extended meet-cute between Loki and Sylvie as they get to know each other on a planet doomed for total annihilation.

“Bisha’s reference was ‘Before Sunrise’ and ‘Children of Men,'” says Herron. “And it lit my brain on fire. It was kind of weird. It was almost like a bottle episode in the sense that we’re just with the two characters, but obviously, it’s Marvel, right? So they’re bonding in this Apocalypse, which also feels very Loki at the same time.”

That episode is best known for making Marvel Studios history, when Loki casually mentions that he’s had dalliances with both men and women. Herron says that when she first interviewed for the job, she asked if the show was going to acknowledge Loki’s sexuality, which had long been established in the comics as bisexual or pansexual.

“I think everyone wanted to acknowledge it,” she says. “It was just really about giving a care and consideration and doing it in the right way. I think everyone knew it was gonna be quite a big moment. So it was just really about doing it in a way that felt respectful. And honoring it.”

Herron also confirms what many fans had suspected, that she deliberately made the lighting scheme for the scene evoke the blue, purple and red of the bisexual flag. “We knew what we were doing with that scene,” she says with a smile.

She has a lot of ideas for what she’d like to see in Season 2.

Since Herron will be watching Season 2 of “Loki” only “as a fan,” she is also free to wildly speculate as to what she’d most like to see happen — like how, wherever Loki story leads, “we’ve opened the door” for the character to explore his sexuality with men as well as women.

Otherwise? She says she wants to know where Judge Ravonna Renslayer (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) goes to when she leaves the TVA in search, she tells Mobius, of “free will.”

“I love her,” Herron says. “Gugu used to always call her an indoor girl, which made me laugh, but she is. She’s in the office, but she used to be this kick-ass Hunter. So I’m like, Okay, well, where’s her path going?”

Herron is also keen to learn more about Hunter B-15’s backstory — since she deliberately decided to hide it in the scene in Episode 4 when Sylvie shows B-15 her repressed memories as a variant.

“I was like, we shouldn’t see her memories,” Herron says. “It’s a character that thought they had power and realizes they have no power. It felt really powerful to at least give her some power in that scenario. The memories are private. They’re hers.” She pauses. “Also as a fan, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, who is she?!'”

“And obviously, you know, Loki and Sylvie?” Herron continues, on a roll. “He’s in a completely different reality. What’s going to happen to him? How will he get back? Or will he get back? And where’s Sylvie? She’s still in the Citadel? And the multiverse of it all. What the hell is going to happen?!”

Herron chuckles at her own excitement. “So I think there’s so many questions to be answered, and so much more road to travel with all our characters,” she says. “You know, I’m really proud that I got to set up Loki’s story here. But there’s so many different aspects of his identity and personality that’s yet to be explored. I’m excited to see where it goes.”

[crankynewt]

Chapter One - Losing Game

Another Love Series Masterlist

Pairing: Regulus Black x Fem!Reader, Young!Remus Lupin x Fem!Reader

Song: Arcade - Duncan Laurence

Warnings: Tons of Angst, Major Character Deaths, Pregnancy(?), and I definitely altered the timeline!

Word Count: 1.76k

Masterlist

Author’s Note: This is pretty angsty and was based on this song (which has always given me massive Reggie vibes), and I HIGHLY recommend listening to it when reading this!

Perhaps your love was doomed from the start. Maybe you were just another Shakesperian tale of forbidden romance destined to conclude in nothing but suffering. He was your light despite the darkness that had encompassed him his entire life and although the war was over, the pain still remained. 

You had begged Regulus not to leave that night, tears blurring your vision as he explained that he had to be the one to destroy the horcrux. “There is no other way,” he had said, his voice shaky with the knowledge that this would likely be his end. You were young, too young, to be fighting this war. A battle that neither of you had any business being involved in the first place. Yet there you were, children who had grown up too quickly.

When he hadn’t returned the next morning, it hadn’t come as any surprise. You mourned the loss of your husband the minute he’d walked out that door. You weren’t vapid and neither was he, you were both well aware of what would happen in that cave. Whether or not Regulus succeeded, however, still remained to be seen. 

The isolation following the death of Regulus Black was something you brought upon yourself. You couldn’t stand seeing muggles continuing to lead their lives as if nothing had happened. Your world crumbled out from beneath you as the universe became a much darker place, so why haven’t they stopped? A person - your person - had died, how could people continue to lead their normal lives?  We were still at war, how could they not sense that something was horribly wrong?

The loneliness made you ill after a month, so sick that you were constantly emptying the contents of your stomach into your toilet as you lay on the cool tile. What prompted you to eventually seek out another were the two little lines on the plastic test. Before long you had apparated to Godric’s hollow, the crisp snow of December crunching under your feet as you made your way up the steps of a quaint looking house. It felt much more homey than the Grimmauld flat you’d been residing in, a slight comfort that what laid behind the door you knocked on may be just as welcoming.

The face that answered the door was kind, warm eyes and a welcoming smile framed by ginger locks. You never spoke to her during your years at Hogwarts due to the two years she had on you, but you knew the girl to be Lily Evans. Judging by the slight furrowing of her brows she had recognized you as well, probably unsure as to why Regulus Black’s wife had shown up on her doorstep seemingly out of nowhere.

“Uhm, is Sirius Black here by any chance?” You asked quietly, your gloved hands rubbing your arms as you fought off the evening’s chill. She need not answer as a pair of brown orbs peered at you from behind her.

“What are you doing here, (Y/N)?” Sirius questioned, bitterness lacing his words as he took in your frail appearance. The elder Black did not think highly of his little brother - the Death Eater, or so he thought. Yet Regulus had relayed numerous stories from their childhood that revealed that in earlier years of their lives, the duo had been inseparable. You were just hoping that some of that affection still remained.

“Can we please talk? It’s about your brother.” You said, voice wavering as you shivered in the cold. Lily seemingly took notice of this and ushered you into the warmth of their home, closing the door behind you and leaving the in-laws to speak in the front entryway.

“If Regulus has something to say to me than the little shit can come tell me himself-”

“Sirius, what are you talking about?” You asked incredulously. “Regulus died two months ago.”

Sirius had not been speechless many times in his life, yet there he stood with his head reeling, heart broken, and tears slowly welling in his eyes. At the end of the day, Regulus would always be his baby brother. And in that silence he sat and listened, taking in all of what had happened the past year. From Regulus deciding to turn on Voldemort to the fateful night destroying his horcrux, Sirius felt both pride and guilt building underneath the grief. Regulus had been a good person who gave his life doing the right thing, all in belief of the same values that had gotten himself disowned.

When you mentioned the pregnancy, Sirius once again found himself dumbstruck. But that shock was quickly replaced with a sense of duty, it was as if he had the opportunity to make up for his brother’s broken relationship. He would help you raise this baby, and he would make damn sure that they did not have the same broken childhood he had suffered.

Within the week, Sirius had moved back into 12 Grimmauld Place with you. The baby he was dedicating himself to had quickly become babies after finding out that not one, but two baby Blacks were on the way. He was at your side through every step of the pregnancy, and slowly but surely his friends made their way into your life as well. James was always there to put a smile on your face and Lily gave great advice as to dealing with the pregnancy as she had delivered Harry only weeks before you showed up. Remus was always there to offer chocolate and a good book while Peter always had a hot cup of tea ready for you.

Before long, Arcturus and Cassiopeia Black were welcomed into the world and the light in your life had been restored. They were both the spitting image of their father, seeming to have barely inherited any (Y/L/N) genes and only reminded you of their father with every coming day. Little Harry was thrilled to have playmates, and you had finally found your family. Although far from perfect, it was everything to you. But all good things must come to an end, and this state of grace was no different.

Halloween came and went. James, Lily, and Peter were gone, no, murdered. Sirius could not have done it, not to his family! The man you read about in the papers was not the same gentle soul who would sing the twins to sleep almost every evening. But regardless of what you thought of the man he was guilty in the eyes of the Ministry, and thus he was sent to Azkaban to suffer a fate worse than death. This loss rocked you once more, but this time you had the twins to look after, and you weren’t alone.

Remus had stepped right up to fill the shoes that Sirius had been filling for Regulus without hesitation. He was grieving the same losses as you and found solace in caring for little Archie and Cassie. You mourned together and healed together, and before long Remus became your other half. 

That friendship didn’t last long, however, as it eventually blossomed into something bigger, a love that you fought tooth and nail. Guilt consumed you as you felt yourself falling for the werewolf, not being able to shake the feeling that you were betraying Regulus as you fell deeper and deeper in love. 

Right around the second anniversary of his death was when you heard the first words pass through either of the twins’ lips. Archie squealed a high-pitched “dada” to Remus who had been helping you prepare breakfast, and your eyes met his equally glassy. While the man stuttered out a mix of apologies in fear of overstepping, you just embraced him and allowed him to hold you in the way nobody had for a long time. The toddlers had accepted him as their father, and you had denied the desire to love him for too long.

Six months later the two of you had married in a small ceremony of only Order members gathering to celebrate your love. You did, however, keep the last name ‘Black’ as an homage both to Regulus and Sirius’ roles in both of your lives. At that same celebration you also announced that a baby Lupin would be making their way into the world six months later. And alas, Theodore Lupin was born shortly after, and your little family was complete.

When it was finally time for Archie and Cassie to begin their future at Hogwarts, you couldn’t help but weep as they waved out the window of the Hogwarts Express, the siblings excited to start the next stage in their lives. Your husband wrapped an arm around you as he fought tears himself, meanwhile Teddy tugged onto your hand and questioned when he would get the chance to attend the school as well, already missing his big brother and sister. 

Remus and you had debated what house the twins would be sorted into, him adamant that they showed Gryffindor courage while you were certain that they would follow in your footsteps and be sorted into (Y/H). Your questions were answered the next morning as you received letters from two very excited Slytherins, taking after their father just as they had done in appearance and personality. You and Remus were proud nonetheless, but your husband was always saddened that they had never grown close to Harry. The divide between houses had seemingly grown even stronger since you two had attended and a friendship between the former friends hadn’t formed.

Two years later, the twins were approaching their third year as Teddy prepared to begin his magical schooling, and you began to ponder what your life would look like following their departure. You and your husband didn’t have the finances to travel and feared a life without the light of your children, and your questions were answered following a letter from Dumbledore himself. He offered the two of you teaching positions at Hogwarts, Defence Against the Dark Arts for Remus and Astronomy for yourself.

The two of you were ecstatic to spend the year with your children teaching, and walking side by side with the castle in view made you feel like a young girl again. A broken heart was all that was left, but Remus had been there to pick up your broken pieces and carry you home. But the wreckage of your life would not stay in ruins forever, as old friends and old loves remained closer than you had ever known and were about to rejoin your losing game.

Join the Another Love series taglist here!!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE03, Ep1

I’m here! The final season continues from where se02 oddly left, right in the middle of a conversation! XD.

-Tohru’s crushed heart (scarf): Excellent symbolism!

Tohru, burdened with trying to lift the curse of teen & adult sohmas, is now also troubled by trying to help Arisa’s romantic life is sad for akito! Too much for compassionate selfless tohru. Unable to help, protect & erase the pain, tohru crumbles. Freezes. Her white scarf (heart) flies away, gets crushed by cars & becomes dirty. But here comes a boy ( who thinks himself a monster) picks it up, cleans & returns it back. He thinks nothing of his deed. nothing heroic abt saving a scarf, really. But do we need to be heroes to save others? kyo saves tohru by being kyo. Not the zodiac cat & not the menacing monster. Her heart is saved by him, shown much care & returned back. Mind you, the heart (scarf) is not brand new after the delima. It’s not very clean after being crushed, some marks remain, but these are marks of growth!!! you walk away after hardships carrying minor scars of victory. This scene solidify kyo’s role in tohru’s life as an equal companion. Not a heroic prince charming. It is the little things he does that shows who he is. kyo isn’t abt big soft words, he doesn't say the best things. he is a man of action. His care, love & compassion comes so very easily & naturally to him thro actions. This is what yuki meant by saying he’s jealous of kyo. Yuki over thinks his steps & doubt everything before he acts. Kyo acts spontaneously then doubts himself later. He saves the scarf (heart) then tells her directly to buy another one if she feels it’s not clean. He failed to see how this trivial action meant the world to tohru. Tohru smiles lively cuz her heart is back to her.

Why is the scarf scene so important? (aka furuba’s best usage of symbolism yet!)

It symbolizes tohru’s toxic flaw that she must overcome! It represents tohru’s tormented heart over other ppl’s pain with severe neglect to her own problems & issues. Arisa’s love life shouldn’t be tohru’s delima, nor Akito’s complex or Kureno’s or the damned curse. Tohru toxically chooses to bear other burdens’ until they crush her.

Hana can’t come to save tohru from pain each time tohru indulges in it. Tohru must realize her own flaw & grow up beyond this toxic type of kindness. Feel & help others, but don’t use them to escape your pain & don’t indulge in their own struggles & neglect yourself. There is a reason hana’s knowing of tohru’s pain is thro “magical” waves, to symbolize that this can’t become a norm, not real. You can’t depend on magic to grow. I love that!

The white scarf bearing smudges of the tires even after kyo washed it shows that kyo’s love & care can’t magically heal all tohru’s pain. It parallels kyo’s words from se01, ep,24 when he said tohru didn’t heal all his pain, but he feels better simply cuz she stayed by his side. Tohru now is feeling better cuz kyo chose was there for her. Love doesn’t magically heal you, kids! But it sure puts you on the path! Also, this once again adds more depth to the (tohru/kyo) equal give & take dynamics.

This scene deconstruct the image of Tohru represented as an angelic mother throughout 2 seasons. Instead, It paints her as a real flawed girl with much need for growth. Exactly, like how we have learned by now that kyo isn’t a horrible monster nor a prince charming saving the day, but a flawed boy with much need for growth. However, these two push each other forward in a subtle way through daily situations! Excellent writing!!

-Kureno. (aka. who tohru should never become):

The harmful kindness: Kureno is someone who hurts himself & hurt many others (akito, arisa, shigure, & consequently the rest of the zodiacs) by giving the harmful types of kindness to akito, by completely erasing his own needs, desires & living for the sake of someone who would be far better without him. Kureno is who tohru might have become if she selflessly continues fighting solely for the sohma’s sake & trying to break the curse while ignoring her own life. She’ll become as miserable as kureno & the zodiacs will become dependable on her.

The destructive pity: Kureno pities this tormented child (akito) & chooses to stay with her until her tears dry. This pity is destructive cuz it is done while he wishes to be miles away with Arisa & it encourages akito to stay as she is. Look, a child whose mom hates her deserves pity. But an adult woman needs to learn to build relationships based on mutual affection & respect. This talk of pity reminds me of kyo & kagura. Kagura pitied the cat zodiac. The relationship was doomed cuz kyo refuses pity. It doesn’t matter if her pity turned into love later. Kyo doesn’t want that from her or anyone. There is NO equality there. We know tohru came to love kyo for all the times he was there for her & all the times he pushed her to improve, to complain, to want things! she said so in se01, ep, 24. But we also know that young baby tohru pitied the cat when her mom told her the zodiacs story. what if kyo thinks tohru’s affection is pity???? that’s a big NO for him & for every person. I really want tohru to be as far from any kurno’s traits as possible!!!

-Akito, the pitiful woman:

Akito was born a girl, forced to be raised as a boy by her mother’s demands? where is the father?? she was hated by her mother. why? she also hates her mom. (hate your child & they’ll hated you). So, akito is doomed by her mom. Akito tries to prove that she’s loved by the zodiac “she specified the male zodiacs” interesting! we saw how she hates both Isuzu & kisa & doesn’t give a damn abt kagura. This woman, forced to pose as a man, actually desires to be treated as a woman. As for the other zodiacs:

No worries abt hatori leaving cuz he’s 24/7 attending to her health.

Ayame makes tea exclusively for her & hatori.

she thinks Ritsu is too timid to attempt leaving.

Hiro’s a baby, momiji is hated cuz she can’t break him.

Kyo is destined to be locked. but Why she cares abt the cat anyway?? She publicly hates him & feels disgusted by him.

She used to control yuki but can’t anymore.

she uses intimacy to bound those who “can” leave her the most: kurno! & shigure? she sleeps next to shigure in the valentine ep. hatori remarked: don’t let akito catch cold. We saw the sexually charged rage in se02, ep10. So, she isn’t faithful to kureno. They don’t have a relationship. She doesn’t even have a relationship with shigure, either. to her, sex is a tool to tie them both to her?

It is ironic that the person who said she despises woman & accuses Isuzu of seducing hatori is herself seducing others. Except, tragically, kureno isn’t with her for herself, but cuz he pities her. We saw her slapping & embracing him. Next scene; her bare shoulders & his unbuttoned shirt clearly implies they got intimate which is what akito does to feel secure in kureno not leaving her. Kureno is not even interested in her despite submitting to her advances, needs & orders. He does it out of pity. Truly the most tragic form of physical affection: sex for pity. wow... how tragically pitiful is the abusive ruler of the zodiacs who looms over them & demands respect & eternal bonds. How can she find someone who’ll love her for herself, if she doesn’t learn to show good sides of her? Yuki wasn’t loved for who he is in school, but for being the “prince”, he showed his real character & got himself true friends & soon a lover!!!  Kyo, was feared & pitied for turning into a “monster”, but once he showed his kind & harmless self, he got himself true friends & a girl who loves him for his actual personality! Who will love akito for who she is if she only shows a spoiled child, horrible family head or a pitiful woman? What does shigure love in her? he doesn’t seem to pity her nor pamper her much, does he?  perhaps we’ll know more abt the real akito later.

Side notes:

Akito’s mom reminded me of kyo’s dad. Abused children, who are hated by their parents, don’t let go of the hurt easily. they’ll always try to either get their approval, show them they were worthy of their love, or they’re NOTHING like their parents think they are. eg: Kyo’s biological father’s hate has destroyed kyo. Kyo have kazuma & tohru & he still wonder why they love him. It took kyo 17 years to actually promise to call kazuma "dad” one day in se01 finale. You need time to heal the wounds inflected by the ones who should love you the most. Being loved by others doesn’t magically heal you! You need to take few steps forward.

Isuzu is Ren’s clone! finally understanding why the severe hate from akito towards Isuzu. I’ll wait for more Ren/Akito content before analyzing their relationship.

Ren is so sexy. ngl, the scene of the zodiacs touching her belly after she just *conceived* akito is so creepy~ ew! 

Hana picked up tohru first before kyo, cuz this show isn’t exclusive for romantic love as much as it isn’t exclusive for friendship. There is balance. 

Tohru needs her own future, so does Arisa & hana! Learn to accept the limit of what you can do as a friend, tohru.. forever loving furuba for steering away from “friends stay together forever~yay” anime trope! Furuba is abt independent & individual adult life! building your own future! Epic writing!

Forever fascinated by how much the little small ordinary daily life things has really built kyo-tohru love! It feels so real & very uniquely built! Excellent writing!

Arisa is stuck with an adult man trapping himself in the most unnecessary love triangle. Kureno’s cage is self made, no curse. A very sheltered boy/man not living in the real world. Only two options for kureno if he continues this path: he’ll hurt akito, or akito will hurt him. We know the answer from the trailer, don’t we?

Arisa letting go of kuron is growth! Let go & live, girl!

There is a subtle theme of learning to let go in furuba~

Yuki is the biggest kyoru shipper!

Tohru intentionally hitting kyo with scarf’s pon-pon is my fave side of her! intentional flirting shows change from her little girl’s good girl attitude to her own type of a feisty woman! after all, she’s nearly 18!

The way the camera moved when kyo spotted the scarf was so good!

The director is obsessed with flying!! did he work on attack on titans? cuz the Ren-akito flying fight reminded me of Titan Eren strangling Titan Annie in AOT se01 finale! but chibi version! XD. I’m sorry for akito’s pain, but I was distracted by laughing! XD

look, if you plan to dramatize a situation, know your budget & your skills. Obviously, the director knew the scene is badly done, hence, the wide far away, dim lit shot to hide as much as it can. Couldn’t he do without it? let akito strangle her to the ground without flying!

oh well~these over-the-top shots are now a furuba trade mark~ just praying they stick with one weird shot per season.