#i think seasonal depression finally ended and now my switch thoughts have come back in full force

[natsmagi]

u know that thing horny artists do when they wanna show off a girls assets so they completely twist her body so both her chest and ass visible in the shot. Yea

[mama-qwerty]

Thoughts on Prime S3 - Dread

So I binged Prime season 3 last night. Overall it was a fun ride--the animation was beautiful, the characters' expressions and movements were fantastic, and the voice acting was stellar.

But there were a few things I that poked me the wrong way.

Buckle up, folks. This is gonna get LONG.

Let's start with my beloved. Dread. Specifically, his 'redemption'.

We all knew it was coming. They weren't going to let a Knuckles be a manipulative, selfish, greedy, double-crossing asshole. This is a kids' show, after all, and all the characters have to do the right thing in the end. So his switch to help the heroes save the universe wasn't unexpected.

But the way it was handled gave me whiplash.

We have Dread being a magnificent bastard in season 2. Oh so ruthless and selfish and looking out for number one and eyes on nothing but his Beauty. So much fun to watch this guy be so un-Knuckles like and enjoy every second of it.

But then season 3 comes and he's just . . .

This.

He planted himself by the door and just . . . sat there. One of the most fun and animated and enjoyable characters of the last season is now set decoration.

So. Okay. I'm gonna do what I love to do. Deep dive into his head.

He's moping. He's depressed. He's lost his Beauty, again, and has no idea where it is, or how to get it back. That was his entire focus. He had it, he had it in his grubby little mitts, but lost it.

The first time he failed to get it, he lost his ship, his crew, his courage, and his confidence. He threw himself into denial, becoming a Party Pirate who only cared to be jolly and jovial and distract himself with fun every day. Any mention of his past made him testy. He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to be reminded of it. He avoided fighting his past crew when they attacked, because he didn't want to face his failures, face his past. So he didn't. He hid. He ran.

But then Sonic gave him an opportunity. A chance to succeed where he'd failed before. And that greedy light was in his eyes again. The tunnel vision, the single focus, the obsession came back full force. And this time he managed to claim what he'd been lusting after for who knows how long. He finally got his Beauty, and it reinforced those feelings of obsession. Of possessiveness.

He manipulated his crew into thinking Sonic was the bad guy for wanting it, and turned his back on them the first second they no longer served him any purpose. His eyes were only for his Beauty.

Then the Chaos Council snagged it from him, and he latched onto their ship like a tick to get it back. He endangered himself, left his home, left behind people who were loyal to him (for whatever reason), all because he wanted the shiny rock back.

And then he lost it again when Nine and Sonic took all three shard pieces back to Ghost Hill. He fought with his urban counterpart, essentially cutting any possible ties of loyalty and help there, and was now stuck in a city he didn't know, with no allies, nowhere to go, and no Beauty.

So it tracks that he would be feeling pretty low. He failed to do the one thing, the only thing, he'd ever wanted to to in his life. He had it. And lost it. Three times.

He's not feeling bad because Nine has them and will use them to destroy everything. He's disappointed in himself for failing. He has no purpose now. Treasure was all that mattered to him--that specific treasure--and now that it's gone and outside of his reach, he feels he has nothing left to care about.

(And as an aside, I love his pose here. Boy just looks so defeated.)

So, okay, I can get that he would be feeling all "Poor Dread, lost me Beauty again" right now. And I think him refusing to go after the rest of his crew when Nine threatened them was also on point. He's still got tunnel vision--"No treasure, what's the point?" It sticks with the Dread that was established in season 2. Nothing in it for him, no treasure, no valuable shiny rocks, he's not gonna waste his time or risk his skin for it.

He has shown exactly zero loyalty in the past, so this fits with his characterization.

Now here's where I would have done things differently. Because very shortly after this, he's right there with the others when they decide to make the raid on Nine's encampment. No hesitation, no grumbling about how he'd 'better be rewarded after all this' or whatever. It's like he's a completely different person. The Dread from season 2 would NOT have done this of his own free will.

Let's back up to before Sonic and the Roses left to save Batten, Sails, and Catfish. Black Rose stopped to ask Dread if he was coming, to which he responded with the aforementioned "No treasure, no point." Rose simply said something along the lines of a disgusted "Some captain" and walked out.

But this was the PERFECT opportunity for a seed of redemption to be planted. Instead of simply walking out, Rose could have turned to him and said something like:

"No point? Look around you! Everything's coming undone, and there'll be nothing left if we don't stick together and stop Nine!"

"Then it shouldn't matter if I go or not!" he replies, shooting her a snarl. "Me Beauty be gone. I be a failure. There ain't nothing left f'r me."

"Ya know, you had people who were loyal to you. People who would have fought by your side until the end. That should have been what mattered to you. But you chose a shiny rock over them instead." She tsk'ed. "Some captain."

To which he would have been all "Sod off and leave me in peace" as they left to rescue the rest of the Angel's Voyage crew.

But the seed would have been planted.

And there could have been a scene, a quick one, where, when Sonic's talking about giving himself up to Nine, Dread has a devious look. "If we go to the fox, he'll have me Beauty. I c'n sneak in and get it back while the others be busy." And then he'd chuckle to himself because he's oh so smart and clever, before standing and joining the others with a boisterous "Let's take the fight to him! We'll teach that no good landlubber t' mess with us!" or some such piratical speech.

So it would appear he's all gung ho about joining the fight, but he still has his selfish reasons that would have stuck with his season 2 characterization.

And then, during the looong fight, we could have had little glimpses of others coming to his aid. Ren specifically, and when his urban twin saves him, he'd look surprised, because they didn't exactly part on good terms.

"Ye . . . saved me?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I thought ye didn't like pirates. Me specifically."

Ren shrugs. "We're all in this together, right? You're here helpin' now, ain't ya? 'Sides, I hate the world endin' more than I hate you. C'mon. Less yakkin', more punchin'."

And that would make Dread think. Just for a moment. Another seed planted. Then he'd blink and head back into battle.

I would even keep the whole 'Jack appeals to Dread's greed' scenario. Because Dread still has that mindset. So he heads in to go for the Prism, sinking back into the Gollum-esque obsession again. But when he sees Black Rose in trouble, that's when those seeds really start to take root. What she said comes to mind again, and he remembers every time they'd helped him. Maybe different members of the crew had jumped in when he was overwhelmed in the fight. He sees other variants helping each other, or helping members of the different groups. How they're putting their lives on the line for people they don't even really know. Helping each other. Saving each other.

He thinks of Ren, who saved him regardless of their last meeting.

With one last look back toward the Prism, Dread jumps down to save Rose.

It could have been handled so easily, with just a few extra seconds of show. Cut out some of the extraneous fight scenes and add some more character interaction/growth. It would have made Dread's redemption seem more genuine, and less of a "Let's just throw away all the characterization he had last season to get to the end."

Love me some Dread. I just think he could have been handled a lot better.

[ivettel]

dear ivettel... update

so get this: it turn out, if you spend your time running from yourself and your friends and all your responsibilities while unable to face your failures and learn from them and grow, you get sad! what! this isn't what i didn't sign up for etc etc etc.

february/march always seems to be the weirdest time for me... i'd chalk it up to seasonal depression, but i think it's mostly because of school. final year stress + senioritis = ????

i've switched tactics, and i'm taking it one day at a time :) slowly getting back into the swing of actually doing things rather than just trying to exist. keeping busy helps! practicing piano, speedrunning my new thesis project, volunteering around campus, the like. i may have a performance lined up at the end of the semester, if i can get on the program. my parents say they might be able to make it, so i'll try to upload a recording.

been more and more involved with the faculty and the community around me, which is cool, but it also reminds me that i'm going to leave it behind in a couple months. silver linings to be had: union friends plan to commemorate my tenure as organizing committee chair with a night out and "good beer," though i'm pretty sure that's an oxymoron. it's a nice thought, regardless.

speaking of the future. law school is old news at this point, thank god. i'm collecting new admits like pokemon--except i'm starting to think i don't actually need to send friend requests on facebook to add people to messenger chats? anyway, the point is that people are finally being normal about it.

re: this blog. i'm un-archiving it for now, because i like the idea of having something i can come back to, instead of always leaving dead bodies behind. if you want, you can add me on @percocet, which is where i'm most active. horrors abound.

i'm also going to out myself and plug @mwebber. people might already know it's me? but if you don't, it's The Sideblog. come and chat there ^^

seb yearbook is almost done, save for a few spreads of artwork. people are busy, it's all good--i figure there's no real rush. but it's looking fabulous, and i think you'll really like it when we're through!

++ i think @vettelsource will host its second event in april, if we can organize something. just needs time... and ideas! applications and asks are always open.

>>>> seems like life is hitting pretty hard for everyone. i hope you're all hanging in there. wishing you love and sunshine, good music and good food, and whatever else makes you happy.

xo, ames

[kelliecthulhu]

Comfort

I seem to have a season pass on the Struggle Bus so this is just self-indulgent angst and fluff? Please don’t @ me if you think I got a character wrong its angsty most people are gunna be little shits

Notes: Angsty gender-neutral reader, established relationship with Trey and Deuce (separate), happy ending tho :)

Warnings: Descriptions of depression, anxiety, disassociation, and attempted underage drinking 

(I'm fiiiiiiiine sometimes just gotta purge the sad out by writing) Okay, but for real if anyone gets worried seriously I'm mentally way better than the fic sometimes it's just nice to feel strong emotions if that makes sense?

Trey

Even before you were thrown into Night Raven College you know you struggled with anxiety and mental illness. You don't remember if it had ever gotten this bad though. Funnily enough, your anxiety had been at peak levels so often your brain finally shut down. Now the loud static in your veins had turned to cold numbness. One moment your skin was too tight and the next, almost as if a switch had been flipped, soothing indifference flooded your senses. Instead of chewing your chapped lips every time Grim, Ace, or Deuce did something, you had a hollow smile. It was like a weight had been lifted from your chest while also completely encompassing you. You chuckled thinking about the crescendo of music in a horror movie where there is that brief moment of silence before the climax. You existed in that purgatory between beats aware that at some point the music would come crashing down on you again but for now there was only blissful nothingness. The tipping point had been just a few hours ago in Crowley's office.

He claimed to be hard at work looking for a way to return you home while reminding you of his "generosity" and asking yet another favor in return. His polite smile curved up just a bit too high his eyes under the mask glowing with an ominous light. That moment was when you realized you would never go home. Every day felt like a battle to keep Grim in line so you could endear the headmaster to help you in your quest to go home. You realized that was all in vain because he had just shown his true colors. This was a school for villains and he would never give up his control over you. You had plastered a smile to your face and agreed to whatever he had asked while the last shred of hope combusted along with any self-preservation. As soon as you left his office you found the triad of trouble and decided that you would go along with whatever heinous plan they would come up with this time.

That is how you had been nominated to sneak into the Heartslabyul kitchen to steal your boyfriend Trey's fancy cooking wine. He had been one of the few reprieves since you were forced into this world, but now you didn't want to think about him. In the back of your mind, you knew he would be disappointed in you and that hurt worse than him being mad or even dumping you for your reckless behavior. The normal anticipation and dread from doing something so risky was gone, instead, you felt cool disinterest. You only agreed to this so you could have something to keep the ringing out of your ears and the buzzing of nerves at bay. You had been so focused on completing your task that you didn't hear the quick retreat of footsteps behind you or the slight rustle of clothes before you were plucked off the counter that you had been climbing to get to the alcohol. You didn't even register that you had failed at first. Your eyes were so focused on the cupboard that was now drifting further from view as you bounced over someone's shoulder. What a good metaphor for my life you thought as you were placed in a brightly lit bathroom. It was at that moment you noticed you had been caught by Trey.

"(Y/N) are you listening to me? What is going on I haven't been able to contact you all day and then I find you climbing the counter to get to my cooking wine. What has happened to you?" Trey has a flush color to his cheeks you've never seen before. He looks mad nothing like Riddle's anger but nevertheless, his breathing seems more shallow than normal and he has almost a feral look to his eyes. Weird, not how you had expected him to react. You honestly never thought the day would come when Trey Clover got upset. You then start to look around the space you're in instead of answering his questions. You aren't trying to ignore him but you also don't want to release the feeling of control you have with your detachment. You float in your mind as an observer of your life right now not really present but still controlling the camera. This has to be his bathroom you surmise. It is way too organized to be one of the lower classmen's and you see the array of teeth cleaning tool-

"WHAT THE FUCK" you scream as cold water is unceremoniously dumped over your head. Trey tosses the small cleaning bucked aside and grabs your shoulders panic seeping into his eyes and your anger dissipates. "Please just look at me," this time he pleads his hazel eyes glistening with tears. "Please say something, anything so I know you're in there little heartstopper. Why are you so far away when I am right here? What do you need just say the word and it is yours, just...just come back," Trey whispers the last part pushing hair out of his eyes and searching yours. Maybe it is his disheveled appearance, the slight shakiness of his words, or the warmth seeping from his hands to your shoulders but you break. Like a rubber band stretched too tight all of a sudden awareness presses back in on you. Your eyes burn with the flood of sensations and all you can force out is three words, "I'm scared Trey." Then you can't stop the tears or the sobs that escape your chest.

Trey heaves out a heavy sigh laced with relief and worry. He grabs a clean towel wrapping you in it before picking you up again to curl up on his bed. You are fully wrapped in his embrace with his faint scent of sugar cookies calming you. Slowly the static cacophony is replaced by his low warm voice whispering sweet nothings while he rubs steady circles along your back. You look up at him blurry-eyed and press closer. "(Y/N) I was so scared too. It was like watching a loved one slowly die except I couldn't figure out what was wrong, I still don't really. I wanted so desperately to reach you but each time I tried it felt like you were farther and farther away. Can you tell me what's going on even just a little bit? I love you, you know that? More than the smell of freshly baked bread or ripe strawberries," Trey adds with a small smile intentionally bringing up two of your favorite things. "Are you trying to make me hungry?" you ask fighting your own grin that had snuck up on you. "I would do no such thing," Trey defends, "Why would I ever purposefully bring up two of your favorite foods that your perfect boyfriend could make a reality?" his eyes try to bleed innocence while the corner of his mouth tilts up in a smirk. You sigh and grab his hand looking away, "Okay I will tell you only if I also get tea with my treats." You swear you have never seen anyone light up with more purpose than Trey does in that moment. "For you little heartstopper I would try my best to give you the world on a platter if that was your desire." He holds your gaze for a few moments longer before pressing his lips to your forehead and pulling you into another tight hug.

Deuce

Tick. Tick. Tick. You couldn't get the sound of the clock or the scratching of pen on paper out of your head. Professor Trein had turned class into a study hall which meant everyone had to be silently taking notes. This had given you way too much time alone with your thoughts. Since you had been transported here every day made you feel like one of the tigers you had seen at the zoo. You had no magical talent yet were forced to attend classes and live here. Your basic needs were provided on the whim of the headmaster and that was determined by how well you could corral Grim which let's be real was almost never. You had to make sure you passed so Grim could get his wish of being a student. Your life and choices constantly were being determined by others while you had to sit back and let it happen. Just like those tigers the only world you now had was dictated by others. Tick. Tick. Tick. The methodical and steady rhythm made you more aware of your heartbeat. Was it in sync or going faster than the clock? Why could you start to feel invisible ants crawling across your skin? You could hear your pulse and breaths getting louder with each click of the clock hand. You had your book up high to cover the creeping panic attack threatening to taking you under.

You were too caught up in your spiral to notice Grim and Ace until it was too late. They were having an increasingly violent tug of war over a sheet of notes.  Unfortunately their paper finally tore in half the lack of tension sending Ace into you and your book being flung from your grasp. The cherry on top of the shit sundae was the perfect arch it flew hitting Trein’s cat squarely in the face. “Mx. (Y/N)!,” Trein roared. “Detention and you will have disciplinary action taken against you for goofing off in my class yet again,” he continued his face getting red while he inspected his cat for injuries. You spun around trying to get the boys to fess up to their wrong doing but your boyfriend Deuce wasn’t in this class so no one was here to make them. No, like always you were now having to take care of a mess they caused but wanted no part in the consequence. When you rose your voice to try and plead your case that Grim and Ace had been the reason for your mishap no sound came out. “I do not need to hear excuses besides you are supposed to be SILENTLY studying what part of that has been made unclear? You will be expected to reflect on your poor behavior as well now sit back down.” Trein demanded leveling you with a look of pure malice for daring to put his pet in harms way. 

Tick. Tick. Tick. The noise of the clock was only escalating the building panic you felt rising in your gut. You felt an urge to scratch at the prickles along your skin as if your body was no longer your own. Your eyes began to well up with tears as you begged the universe why is everything those idiots do my fault. You looked back at Ace and Grim trying to convey with your body language that they need to tell Trein the truth. Instead they both had their heads down pretending to be model students. “I will not ask you again, sit down,” Trein coldly repeated. Tick. Tick. Tick. Those three beats of the clock was all it took for your to run out of the classroom before Trein could do anything else to punish you. You sprinted as far away as you could trying to process the strange sensation of running and breathing hard without making a single sound. You didn’t want silence though you needed to scream to cry to let your voice get obliterated from the rage and dread building inside of you. The edges of your vision started to go dark as you felt yourself breathing harder and harder willing yourself to make any noise to ease the horror growing. What wouldn’t this cruel place take from you.

All of a sudden you are yanked from the ground into a rough hug. How had you ended up on the floor? Weren’t you just moving, but a worried voice interrupts your thoughts “(Y/N) what happened? I saw you running from my classroom window and then you collapsed. Is someone chasing you?” Deuce glares over your shoulder a bit of his past self leaking through his features in that moment as his face takes on a hard edge. You go limp in his arms as you lose whatever strength you had left as you are filled with relief and renewed anxiety at him seeing you. Not only had you never told your boyfriend about your mental blocks but you did not want him to see you lose your shit. Yet that was exactly what you were doing because the floodgate had finally been opened. Deuce gently lowers you both down but his concerned expression only grows as he realizes you aren’t making any sounds despite the tears and distress written on your face. He gently cups your tear stained face as he searches your eyes, “Sweetheart who did this to you?” Deuce asks again his eyes softening as he looks you over. You type in your phone explaining to him what happened via text. His eyes get angrier as he reads over what transpired and before you can blink he is up and striding in the direction of your classroom.

You scramble up shaking your head and pulling on his arm. You have seen this look only once and that was when Ace had made an inappropriate joke about Deuce’s mother. Deuce had reminded Ace that day who he used to be. Instead of pushing you away as you tried to stop him he grabbed your hand in his surprisingly gentle as his face hardened with every step. He slammed the classroom door open while still holding your hand. He gave a death stare at Grim and Ace letting them know later there would be words and probably violence but then his eyes went to Trein. You stood there confused as to what he could possibly do as Trein yelled at him for disturbing his class. “With all due respect teach go fuck yourself,” Deuce stated venom dripping off his tongue as he conjured a cauldron. It wasn’t aimed at the professor though the heavy object crushed Trein’s focus that had been sitting on his desk. As it broke so did his spell’s hold on you. You didn’t even have time to fully process what had happened before Deuce was pulling you back out of the classroom in a dead sprint. You both ran all the way to the hall of mirrors since it was one of the furthest places on campus. It was also one of the least visited areas since most people didn’t have any business to be there after the entrance ceremony.

After the two of you caught your breath Deuce pulled you against him your forehead touching his. “I think that is the most impulsive thing I have done since my delinquent days, but I can’t lie that felt so good,” he murmured his eyes alight in a chaotic joy. It wasn’t until that moment you noticed you had a smile on your face. “You’re right Deuce, what you did back there was amazing,” you confessed feeling a lightness in your chest that hadn’t existed since you got here. His eyebrow raise conspiratorially “Wanna do something even more fun? I think it will help with whatever has been troubling you lately. It’s what I used to do to let off steam.” His voice had slipped from its usual proper tone into an informal slang that got your heart rate accelerating this time for pleasurable reasons. You happily accepted and knew that whatever transpired between you two today would be a tomorrow problem. He stood up and offered his hand to help you up then he turned around and walked to the center of the room. “You ready?” he called with a wink. You had no clue what he was going to do but excitedly nodded your head, then he screamed. His voice echoed around the room but he didn’t stop. Deuce screamed until the need to breathe outweighed his desire to release his frustrations, then he spun around and threw a rock fast and hard at whatever mirror he was facing. The loud splintering of glass punctuated his wild display. He pushed his hair out of his face with a pleased huff his energy manic as he looked back at you motioning to join him, “Your turn doll.” You shivered at this unknown side of him and new pet name. This was a school filled with villians, time to damn well act like one. You nudged him aside and took a deep breath pulling all of your anxiety, fear, and frustrations together before releasing it out into the loudest scream you could manage. You shouted for what felt like a minute and an eternity. You stood there yelling until your throat was raw. When you opened your eyes Deuce had a devilish grin while his palm cupped a smooth rock. You plucked it from his hand and threw it as hard as you could right next to the mirror he broke. The sound of shattering glass filled your ears like music. You spun around and pulled Deuce into a kiss. You wondered if this is how the tigers at the zoo would feel if you had broken them out of their cages.

[pineapple-lover-boy]

Can- can I just talk about the Victuuri relationship? Pretty please?

I just…. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship that starts from idolization and a need to get out that has ended in a satisfying way.

Let me elaborate:

We all know that Yuri idolized Victor. It’s why he was so nervous in the beginning and why it took time for them to build on their relationship, he saw Victor as a god.

Victor? He was depressed. He loved the ice so much but he longer found excitement in competitions. He didn’t have any worthy opponents that had a chance of beating him (sorry Chris).

I believe Victor “fell in love” at the banquet. He was attracted to Yuri but, even though he lost, he also saw potential in him. That night was probably the most exciting night for him in a long time. I think he felt genuine affection for Yuri but also saw a way to get out of his predicament.

Then, of course, Yuri didn’t show up the following season (a year had passed before the present timeline). He was most likely annoyed that someone who had gave him excitement didn’t show up. Did he think Yuri had a chance of beating him at first? Probably not. Did he see potential or at least someone he could have fun with during the season? Hell yes!

And then when he saw the video of Yuri skating Stay Close To Me, something that awarded him a gold medal. That’s all he needed. He saw how Yuri not only skated it perfectly but I bet he thought Yuri skated it better. Let’s not forget that emotion is a huge part of skating. If you don’t skate with the passion your supposed to hold for whatever theme you have, your performance can almost seem futile. Victor obviously won because he perfected it but if it was based on how he presented it alone, he would’ve lost. He saw someone worthy of skating an gold medal piece while also having the heart to do it. That’s talent.

Anyways, because of this, their relationship doesn’t hold well in the beginning. He’s passive aggressive towards Yuri because he doesn’t see his own talent and Yuri is just going along for the ride because holy shit it’s Victor fucking Nikiforov.

As they get to know each other and Yuri opens up more (plus Victor getting info on Yuri from the others) Victor starts to see Yuri as an actual person and not someone he can use to project himself onto and then later skate against. And Yuri starts to see him as an actual person too.

I saw on another post talking about how we didn’t see them during the summer and how the end credits of every episode suggest they got to know each other better as both in the credits and in the show they (Yuri) are able to touch each other more. I 100% believe this.

I also believe they might’ve had an argument or two on this topic. It’s not easy to switch from inadvertently seeing someone as anything but a person to an actual person with emotions and feelings. I believe Victor would’ve tried to back away from this subject but Yuri wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t big arguments like in episode 7. It was probably little quarrels that annoyed them both but after having a long conversation they finally started to become more comfortable with each other.

Yuri started letting go of the notion that Victor was a god like creature and Victor saw him as something other than a pawn. Yuri stopped getting as embarrassed with Victor touching him and Victor stopped trying to seduce him as much just so he could see the man from the banquet.

This most definitely leads the way towards a healthier relationship but episode 7 was inevitable. Yuri’s anxiety was at an all time high when he comes out on top. The fact that he needs to stay on top and not mess up is getting to him. As a person with anxiety, it’s pure hell. The thoughts of failing won’t get out of his head and even as he turns off all the monitors he can still hear everything.

Victor takes him away from prying eyes and has no idea what to do. Despite an obvious change that would’ve had to include some emotions from both occurring over the summer, he still has no idea how to help someone in distress.

Then he makes his first mistake. Yuri is visibly shaken by someone’s scores (can’t remember who) and Victor, who is at his wits end, yells at him to stop listening and puts his hands over Yuri’s ears. This tells Yuri how nervous Victor is too and despite knowing that Victor wouldn’t leave him now it shows to him that Victor doesn’t have faith in him (even if he does).

Victor tried to shatter Yuri’s heart. He must’ve expected Yuri to maybe sign heavily but tell him that he’ll do everything in his power to win (probably something that’s happened with him and Yakov). Instead he see’s the consequences of his carelessness. Yuri rightfully lashes out at him and even through all that Victor stills says “should I kiss you?”. Idk what Yuri was thinking but if I were him I would be extremely offended that Victor would try and use me like some doll he can play with and can assume that physical affection and love can fix everything, which was probably what Yuri was thinking.

There’s something off about Yuri and Victor when they emerge but Yuri is surprisingly better now. Cathartic crying can do wonders, kids. There’s also my favorite part of the entire show (couldn’t find a gif):

*head jab* “Hey, fuck you.”

*more head jabs* “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I know you don’t like this you unempathetic dicknip.”

*head pat* “You’re forgiven.”

We all know what happens next: Yuri ends his love story with Victor’s signature move and Victor kisses him out of joy and the need to one up him (with love, of course).

I’m gonna get a little sloppy here with the timeline because I have the memory of a female protagonist that needs to go back to work to get something only to accidentally bump into the jerk CEO of which she will develop a toxic relationship for fan service, so forgive me.

Gonna skip ahead to the scene where Yuri tells Victor that he’s leaving skating, and basically Victor too. (At this moment I realized I’ve been spelling Viktor with a c and not a k which is really fucking with my brain but it’s too late to go back). Victor starts crying and realizes just how Yuri felt when he was rejecting him.

I believe Yuri found some light in the situation because of that fact, which Victor was not having. They’ve been closer than ever now. They’ve kissed, they’ve also announced they they’re getting married, so what the hell?!

Yuri, as we know, feels he’s keeping Victor from the ice. Victor, while he misses the ice and wouldn’t mind being competitive again, has found meaning and if he’s going to be Yuri’s coach to stay where he is than so be it.

He wanted to coach Yuri because he wanted a worthy competitor and while he still wants that, what matters most now is his relationship with Yuri. If he stops being Yuri’s coach and Yuri goes off the ice he knows it will be the end. Yuri loves the ice too and I’d bet he’d try to distance himself from Victor as to not feel regret from leaving without actually knowing that he’s doing it.

They’ve grown so much at this point. But that doesn’t mean it’s over. After all they’ve been through Yuri doesn’t realize that consequences of parting from one another. While being too dependent on your spouse isn’t good, it’s what they both need right now. They are what caused the other person to be happy again and while I hate those types of storylines this one executed it perfectly.

I find Victor’s silent plea to Yurio absolutely heartbreaking. He knows it’s bad to put pressure on people but now he’s doing that to a 15 year old boy. He’s putting his relationship and his life into this child’s hands because he knows there’s nothing else he can do.

I do think Yurio had a crush on Yuri but even if he didn’t: Yuri has taught him so much. He, although being an ass most of the time, has really come to love Yuri as family. It’s clear that Yurio was always lonely (Otabek being his first friend and all) but once he came to Japan and lived, truly lived there, he wasn’t lonely anymore.

Yurio wins, Yuri gets silver and all’s well that ends well.

I guess my point of this was to show how well the relationship in YOI was. I could’ve included some more detail on some points but I usually write stuff in one take (it’s very hard to revise without my mind shutting on itself).

I just love how an implicitly toxic relationship can come out so healthy. They don’t do any of that miscommunication bullshit and when they do it’s because the characters don’t know what to do or how to handle something. Like humans do!

They could’ve easily made this the hot famous guy thinks the kawai girl boy is just so adorable and the kawai girl boy is absolutely infatuated with the hot guy. Hijinks ensue which includes the kawai girl boy thinking the hot guy is in love with someone else. She He gets pushed into thinking that she’s he’s more independent in the end and happily ever after for the couple that will divorce in less than five years! Yay!

Seriously, I thought that was what was going to happen but YOI subverted my expectations so much. They are people that grew from their bad mindsets. And you know what? Yuri still has anxiety! Victor is still bad with handling emotions! And that’s ok! We don’t change that quickly. It takes time and hopefully another season.

I’m definitely using this show as a template for healthy relationships. It’s so hard for me to properly write them when I’ve never been in one and I’m not given the chance to see it happen in different environments (when searching it up all I get is “they trust each other. They blame each other. They’re compassionate.” Like ok but can you show me how?)

Yuri!!! On ice…. I love you so much. You have done so much for my mental health and my writing. Thank you.

[maplecornia]

chapter 9

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2.61K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: this chapter makes me laugh, especially the scene with Jojo and Namjoon.

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags:@kookaine |@fangirl125reader |@kookiebbyxx |@taradevonne

You’ve been waiting for an hour.

Tilting your head back, you sigh, extremely bored.

You've tried everything you could think of to bypass the time. Reading, writing, watching YouTube, then switching over to Netflix, even attempting to doze in the slightly uncomfortable waiting room chair.

None of them have worked.

Currently, you're doodling in your sketchbook, but no concrete idea comes to mind for the sketch. Leaving you with tiny flowers, faces, and body parts on the page as though it were a practice sheet.

Peering over the sketchbook, you scan the room for any sign of life, but as the day has dragged on, so has the crowd.

You don't see any sign of Kim Namjoon anywhere, and the receptionist hasn't called you over ever since you turned in the forms she gave you. Uninterested, your eyes glazing over, you pull out your phone, peering at the time.

12:30 pm.

Heaving a sigh, you tilt your head back, the music playing through your GalaxyBuds. Yet it does no good to lift your spirits.

You suppose it's only fair, you made him wait, now it's his turn.

Setting your phone down once more, you purse your lips, as your gaze falls on a flower swaying in the wind outside.

It's the only flower you can see amongst the bush. It stands almost forlornly in the midst of multiple of its fellow brethren withered around it. Still, it stands strong, unwilling to fall victim to the harsh weather outside.

A thought crossing your mind, you turn to your sketchbook, quickly turning the page and beginning a vigorous sketch before you lose your idea.

Unbeknownst to you, as you progress halfway through the sketch, Kim Namjoon bursts into the lobby, looking out of breath and flustered.

He wears a bright white T-shirt, one with a small black Nike emblem across his left pectoral muscle. It hangs sort of loose around his neck, his collarbone visible as cooling sweat causes him to glisten like a bright star.

It's not as noticeable, considering that he wears a thick black sweatshirt zipped down around his shoulders. It's simple, with thin white stripes running down the sleeves and white soft underlining to it.

The black sweats he wears seem to fit with the outfit, the same white stripes running down each pant leg. Each piece of clothing has a Nike emblem on it and pairs well with the white Nike AirForces he wears on his feet.

They’re simple but rich clothes and bring to mind the same clothes Jungkook was wearing before.

The cooling sweat on his skin and the way his hair falls a bit messily underneath his cap could lead to the presumption that they were doing a major dance practice before all of this.

No matter the case, he didn't expect the meeting to take this long, and he feels terrible for making you wait, despite everything. As he looks for any sign of you, he doesn't find any.

Worried that you have already left, he knocks on the front desk, gathering the attention of the receptionist that helped you earlier. Kim Jojo raises her head, and as she catches sight of RM, her eyes widen just the slightest bit, but not enough for him to notice.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Namjoon, what can I--”

“Yes, yes hello.” Namjoon interrupts her, too panicked to care about formalities.

He wants to catch you before you get tired of waiting and leave. First impressions are everything to him, and if he has a bad one…Shaking the worry away, he leans forward over the counter separating the receptionist from him and she flinches away at the sudden closeness.

RM either doesn't notice or doesn't care, but either way, he meets her with an intent stare, every word uttered from his lips urgent and careful.

“Has anyone by the name of Lin Yen come in?” The receptionist opens her mouth to respond but before she can say anything, he holds up a finger.

A thought having crossed his mind, he reaches into his back pocket, bringing out his phone. He tries to bring up the picture of you while Jojo stands there, half in shock, half in annoyance. As soon as he finds it, he lets out a little victory shout, one that startles her.

Grinning, he presents it to her, and she peers at a strange picture of you. After she looks at it, Jojo pulls back, her brows crinkling in confusion.

“She looks like this. If she came in, could you please tell me? I've been waiting since 8:00 this morning to meet her.” Jojo sighs, trying to gain her composure before responding.

“Mr. Namjoon--” she begins, but Namjoon interrupts once more.

“She’s my new assistant, you see, and I need to begin her training today. She needs to know the ropes before our busy season comes back around.” He explains, pulling the phone back and trying to pocket it once more.

Instead, he ends up knocking over a container filled with an assortment of pens and pencils. Surprised, he fumbles to pick it up but ends up spilling it all over the floor. Cursing under his breath, he reaches down to pick up some pencils that have fallen.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Jojo picks up the container, righting it on the counter with a loud thud. Startled, RM glances up at her eyes wide, and she smiles sweetly.

“Please, just leave it.” She says between her teeth. He shrugs, almost reluctantly standing. She sighs in relief, carefully putting the pens and pencils back in their place.

“Now...Mr. Namjoon, please listen--” once more, she cannot finish, Namjoon unable to shut up to save his life.

“I’m sorry, but if you need any more information on her I could--”

“Kim Namjoon!” This time it's Jojo's turn to interrupt him, her patience finally wearing thin.

RM instantly falls silent, a bit surprised at the outburst.

Jojo takes a steadying breath before continuing.

“Now, the person you are talking about has already come in. I told her you were in a meeting and had her wait in the waiting room for you to return.” At the information, RM turns to the waiting room where he catches sight of you for the first time in real life.

He notices you vigorously sketching out your idea. Smiling, he can't help but smile at the familiarities he finds in you. You look exactly like the picture Jaejin sent, despite how weird it was.

“I had expected to receive a notice of your return, so I could send her to you, but now that you're here….” Namjoon turns away from you and flashes his contagious smile at Jojo who is once more taken aback.

“Thank you,” Namjoon says with gratitude, reaching across the desk and holding her hand as he bows before turning away.

Jojo, watching him go, turns beet red before collapsing behind the desk in exhaustion. Another fellow receptionist cries out with alarm before tending to her in concern.

You, once more, having no awareness of the events happening around you, continue to sketch. Having finished the rough sketch you begin to define every line, detail, and curve. As you work, you bite the inside of your cheek, sometimes licking your lips in your trance of concentration.

When you're lost in your mind of imagination and creativity, nothing from the outside world can distract you.

And yes, that also includes a very tall, very real version of Kim Namjoon striding towards you.

You don't look up as he comes within a few feet in front of you. You don't even notice as he bends to your eye level, trying to catch your attention. It doesn't break your concentration, even as you reach for an eraser, lightly humming to the music playing in your ears. He smiles, almost laughing at your concentration before he covers his mouth, trying to be quiet so that you don't notice he’s there.

Trying to tease you, he carefully (as much as he’s able) sits down next to you. He was planning on pulling out one of your GalaxyBuds and surprising you, but as he catches a glimpse of your work, he’s stopped cold.

It's breathtaking.

You have created an awestruck image of a woman, on her knees. She wails out in agony as she sits amongst a pile of ash, flecks of it falling around her as though there's a fire burning nearby.

However, that’s not what catches Namjoon’s eye.

Amongst the ash, if anyone looks closely, they'll be able to see that there are small, scattered remains of bones hidden.

She sits amongst them, wailing, the look on her face one of pure anguish and sorrow as the ash from the fading bones stains her skin and her dress.

As though she has lost everyone she’s held, dear.

RM can't seem to look away, entranced by the grotesque beauty of the image and the talent of the artist.

He admires the way you set it up, the way you created the girl imperfectly, but still real. Because after all, who in real life is perfect? As he watches your pencil move expertly across the page, he can't help but think that with each stroke, the creation grows more and more lifelike.

As though she were truly crying out in the pain her heart brings. As though she were alive and breathing.

Almost against his wishes, his hand reaches out to touch the paper, if only to make sure that the actual sketch is truly a mere fabrication of pencil and paper.

As his fingers graze the parchment, that is when you snap out of your concentration.

Eyes widening, you jolt up straight, immediately turning to look at your side.

As soon as your eyes meet Namjoon’s, his hand flinches off the paper. He lets out a soft gasp as he flinches away, surprised by your sudden attention.

Just like with Jungkook, you're frozen in place.

Unable to move.

Unable to function.

Unable to speak.

And just like Jungkook, Namjoon is the same way.

But for a different reason.

He was caught in the act, and he doesn't know what to do.

Your eyes hold him in a sort of bind.

For a moment he forgets what he was doing there, he forgets what his purpose is, for a moment he even forgets why you are there.

For a split second, it's just you and him in a pocket in space.

Your eyes holding his, his eyes holding yours.

Kim Namjoon.

The leader of BTS. The first member of the group you have grown to love. Talented, handsome, a practical genius, he is just as mature and intimidating as you expected him to be.

Despite how close the two of you are sitting, he still seems larger than life, and for a moment, you wonder if he’s even real.

He doesn't seem like it after all.

His skin seems too real, too perfect. His hair is too soft, too smooth. His eyes are too warm and too brown.

Almost exactly like the milky chocolate brown you’ve seen so often in so many photos, except for one thing.

As you stare into them, you can see life so clearly alight in them. How they reveal so many emotions at the same time. There are so many that it's almost impossible to read them at all. Serene and peaceful, they are poets' eyes.

So emotional, yet so mysterious and secretive at the same time.

Dreamboat eyes.

“Kim Namjoon?” you whisper, almost unsure if it's him or not.

As you do, his face makes that mixed expression between confusion and amusement as he chuckles softly, looking away and breaking the connection. Holding his hand up to his mouth, he nods, clearing his throat, but not saying anything for a moment.

“Yes, that's who I am, and you must be...Lin Yen?” your heart jumps at the fact that he knows your name.

Speechless, all you can do is nod mutely as he utters another adorable chuckle, one that always seems to remind you of Goofy.

“Jaejin didn't tell me you were an artist.” As soon as he says that, you notice that your sketchbook is still open, and showcasing your imperfect, unready sketch.

Panicking, you fumble to get it closed. Blushing, you hug it tightly to your chest, as though it could erase the fact that he just got a sneak peek into your very soul.

“What's wrong? It was good!” RM asks, worried.

Biting your bottom lip in trepidation, you shake your head, hiding your face.

“Don't lie….” you mumble.

You know it wasn't close to being done, and it wasn't nearly as perfect as it could have been. You're quite disappointed in it at the moment. You feel as though it was too rushed due to the many ideas pouring out from your brain at the exact moment.

As you take an ashamed peek at Namjoon, you find him staring at you, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“What's wrong, are you okay?” he asks, tilting his head as though you were a shy child. You smirk, playing along and nodding very slowly before he continues.

“I see. You should know, however, that you are very talented.” At the compliment, you snort in disbelief, shoving the sketchbook and pencils back safely in your satchel.

“Please.” You sigh. “I know I'm no Picasso, and certainly not talented.”

Finished with packing your art supplies, you are reminded of the reason you are here. A blush of shame appearing on your cheeks, you turn to Namjoon, a bit guiltily.

“And I’m also not known as the bird to rise before the worm.” RM seems a bit confused before you stand and bow to him in apology.

“I am so sorry for being late today. You see I….”

Remembering the receptionist's words from before, you decide to keep the reason to yourself.

“....I have nothing to say for myself. I'm sincerely sorry.”

“Please, there’s no need for that,” Namjoon responds, standing himself and tapping you on the shoulder.

At the touch, you stand straight, only to find an extremely tall man standing before you, looking more intimidating than before. Heart beating fast you gulp, stepping back a bit.

Luckily, he doesn't notice your act of distance and just smiles at you before continuing.

“After all, I was late as well, so let's call it even, huh?”

You smirk and nod, thankful that he’s not too angry about it, but it doesn't completely erase your guilt.

“But now that you mention it….” Namjoon starts and intrigued, you glance up to see him back up a bit as well.

Confused, you raise an eyebrow before he holds out his hand to you.

“My name is Kim Namjoon, I’ll be your boss during your time here. First and foremost, welcome to BigHit entertainment, I hope you enjoy your time working here with us.” He introduces himself, warmly.

Catching on, you take his hand, shaking it gently, and trying to ignore the fact that yours is much more like a child's compared to his.

“Hello, Mr. Namjoon! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, my name is Lin Yen and I look forward to working with you!” you respond, returning his grin with one of your own.

After you're finished introducing yourself, he releases your hand and steps back, taking your satchel in his hands and handing it to you.

“Well, Ms. Lin, are you ready to begin?” He asks, and you accept the offer, hiking the satchel on your shoulder before looking up at him in expectation.

“Where do we start?”

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: first day at work is finally starting, yall excited? eheheehehe get ready for some namjooon and yen moments to come

chapter 10 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[verobatto]

Unrequited Destiel...

The Legend of The Sun and The Moon

I just wanted to explain in a few words to those that are asking why Dean didn't reply to Cas or why is Jensen talking about angelical way to feel things.

I know they're a lot of post saying WE TOLD YOU THIS AND THAT, and is true. Because if you read my Destiel Chronicles from the beginning, you will see I ALWAYS CALLED THE UNREQUITED LOVE FROM CAS AND DEAN'S POV.

Some of you disbelieves this idea, but is the only way to intepretate why Destiel is the slowest slow burn ever.

No more intro, let's suffer together...

Season 4 and 5 JUST A FLIRTING GAME

Once Dean was pulled out from Hell, Castiel wanted to talk with him. He didn't wait a second. Things blew and it was messy, and even Bobby was scared that that thing would hurt his idjit. But it was just Cas, trying to speak with Dean, desperately trying to reach him in his true form. Why? Because he wanted to talk with him. He had to explain Dean's mission but also, he felt fascinated. And even more after their first meeting face to face when he was finally able to find a vessel.

And Dean just it took him just a little of his time to feel the same fascination. The almighty angel, that could see right through his soul.

But also the angel that said things like...

And we have the handprint too, such an intimate sign between these two.

Castiel showing him, honestly showing him with words and actions, his special interest on him:

"My superiors begun to question my sympathies. I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You."

How would Dean take this here? The poor guy just decided to check out the angel, and speechless as he was at that moment, couldn't reply to it. "Is he flirting with me? Does he know how gay this sounds?"

Then Cas rebel against Heaven for Dean. Dean pushed him, the whole he pushed Cas to help him. If you rewatch season 4 Dean is constantly asking Cas to help him. Because he already know Cas was different. Because he felt Cas was his friend, his ally, and something else it was growing up in his chest.

While Cas pushed him against the wall, cut his forearm and drew the sigil, Dean's face is full of awe. He can't believe this soldier powerful angel is doing this for him.

And then... "We're making it up as we go."

Gif credit @cyxnrose

The beginning of season 5 is a very busy Cas searching for God, but also, the flirtation begins. Dean is like a cute boy flirting with his crush. The second meaning jokes, trying to figure out if Cas catch it is hilarious. But he will understand 'Cas doesn't understand that reference.'

From Dean's POV in these two season, we coul under he thinks angels are junk less.

Season 6: The profound Bond and the Longing

The romantic feeling from both sides began to flow even more when Castiel goes into the black side, and the first Destiel break up appears infron of our eyes in the middle of a very romantic scenes.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

The last gif is out of discussion, bot men looking at each other with sad eyes, longing and as if their conversation isn't over. Dean being disappointed at Cas and Cas trying to make him see his point. Everything he does, he does it for Dean.

And now we know why it is.

Season 7: Mourning Dean and the Jealousy

Even with Showrunner Sera Gamble trying to focus Dean's morning into a Wincest subtext, we had put king Ben Edlund came to the rescue in episode 7x09.

Putting things in order, we were faced with Dean's source of depression: Castiel's death.

So, after that, when Cas really comes back, the reunion is another romantic movie. The MEMORY LOST trope.

And then... Castiel's pseudo wife...

The trope is getting better with the spicy Jealousy in Dean's eyes.

Gif credit @impalaofgrace

So he can't completely enjoy Cas is back because:

1) He doesn't remember him: so, how can be mad or anything else if Cas doesn't remember any details of their break up?

2)The guy has a wife! Okay, so, he has a wife, he easily got a wife from... Nowhere?

And then Meg comes and he is Jealous all over again!

Dean is a really mess of feelings, but in the end, when Cas recalls everything, and when I say everything, i mean Dean, because the majority of his memories was him, Dean just pulls out from his car Castiel's bloody trenchcoat and gives it him back!

So, if there was any doubts about why was Dean mourning and depressed for, we have the confirmation!

Then, let's turn the page, because now is Cas the mess... Depressed and suffering, because he almost destroy heaven, but, do you know what cares the most to Cas and when he cheers up? Yes...

When Dean says... "I RATHER JAVE YOU, CURSED OR NOT" Castiel immediately changed his face, he smiles, and kept staring at Dean with heart eyes. He was happy because Dean was forgiving him. Because since he recovered his memories, the biggest cause of it was Dean's rejection. Dean not being able to forgive him. That was the main cause of his sadness. That's why he avoided reality, he didn't have a cause, because his cause was Dean and Dean was mad at him. But now? Cas is happy again. That's why he decides to come back to battle. "I'll go with you."

Season 8 Purgatory of love and Pining!Dean

Okay, is in this season, Carver era, when Dean's POV has a turning point about Castiel and his true feelings for him and is in this season, when Dean starts pining strongly for the angel, and feeling his love is unrequited.

The cause of it, is Purgatory. The Purity about Purgatory resided in the capacity of that place to resides in abolish every human necessity to let the mind to focused in what really matters. In this case for Dean was SURVIVE AND CAS.

So we can say that what remained pure in Dean's heart was TO FIND CASTIEL.

That's why he prayed to him every night, and that's why in the moment Cas CONFESS he ran away to protect him, something in Dean changes forever.

Gif credit @agusvedder

If you pay attention to Dean's face reaction here, is the expression of the man that realizes in that precisely moment his feelings for Castiel. Even Cas stares to a side, because there was Benny watching them, and the thing he was about to say it was too intimate. I did it to protect you.

Dean, the Big Protector, is being protected by Castiel. So, in Purgatory, Dean Winchester find out his not platonic love for his best friend.

Then we had the entire season with pining!Dean and deception.

Dean's mind invented one excuse for Castiel running away from him because thinking his best friend abbandoned him, was just too painful. He does this again when Cas pushed him inside the gate and he stays in Purgatory. Dean just rewrote in his mind the whole sequence. Imagining that Cas was defeated. But the reality was, Castiel wanted to stay. And when Cas reveals this truth to the hunter, Dean's face is a mix of deep sadness and deception. He felt really rejected by his friend. He felt his unrequited romantic love for him. But he will feel it more stronger in the crypt scene, with the brainwashing and how Castiel's love for Dean broke th connection. But he left. That was a real rejection the hunter barely could handled.

Season 9: Pinning!Castiel and Human!Cas

When Cas became Human, he has to face all the intensity of human's feelings. In this season, is time for our angel to realize his romantic love for the hunter.

Castiel will mirroring Dean's pining in season 8, and he will also feel rejected by him.

Just like Dean in season 8, Castiel will feel his romantic love is unrequited, after Dean kicked him out from the bunker, being this the parallel to the crypt scene.

But then Cain's mark comes, and everything gets worst.

Season 10: Castiel is Dean's Colette

The whole Cain's mark was the visual sign of the Destiel handprint (profound bond) attempt of break.

With Cain and Dean going through a perfect parallelism in which Crowley was placed in the friend's spot, Sam in the brother's spot and Castiel in Colette's spot. Blatant and canon exposure of what Cas means for Dean.

But now, is time for Dean, after came back for being a demon, to feel unrequited again. And this is a detail that could be not seen, but it caught my attention.

CASTIEL: At least temporarily. It’s a long story. Crowley, stolen grace. There’s a female outside in the car.

This is what Castiel says when he goes into Dean's room and after Dean praises him...

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

Dean had been with Crowley when he was a demon this whole time, so Cas was heartbroken. Even this season opens with a very depressed Castiel in the bed just let himself die because Dean was gone. So, that's why Cas says this.

So you went with Crowley, i have a female in my car. See? I don't need you.

He was Jealous, and now Dean gets Jealous, but he also gets the sensation again of his love for Castiel is unrequited.

The episode that followed this one, Dean goes into a blind date with random chick he took from a date app (very ooc, but he did it because he had his heart broken and because he thought CAS had cheated on him while he was gone as a demon.)

Season 11: Dean resist a forced bond with Amara because he's bonded with Castiel

Season 11 is a blatant exposure of Dean's feelings for Castiel. There a lot of hints throughout the season telling us Dean is in love, just like in season 9 there was hints of this with Castiel. (Again, mirroring each other).

Dean resisted Amara because of his love for Castiel. But Cas is oblivious about this.

When Castiel is possesed by Lucifer, Dean switch's into desperate mode. If he was worried about his attraction for Amara, now the only thing he cares was Castiel, exposing again WHO DEAN IS IN LOVE WITH.

But when Dean wanted to rescue Castiel, and Cas didn't want to come back to him, it hurt him worst. Again, just like in season 8, Dean can't handle Cas doesn't want to come back with him (first from Purgatory and now from being possesed). Again Dean feels rejected and unrequited. That's why when Cas is back and the end of the world is close... Dean says these words...

"You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that."

And Cas' face...

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs

That's a man with the heart broken, mostly because we know now he was in love with Dean CANON FACT! (sobbing louder).

Season 12 and the confusing I LOVE YOU

This season was full of married couple situations, but mostly, we had Castiel's I Love You in the barn, before "dying".

At first Dean thinks the angel was saying this as goodbye, expressing into words his feelings for the Winchesters. Because as and angel, maybe Cas was feeling he has to protect them all. But then he says this singular I Love You to Dean, and the guy doesn't know how to take it. It was a platonic ILY? A non platonic ILY? Does angels feel the same like us? Does he sees me as a brother? Dean was truly a mess, so he decides to respond to that with a Mixtape.

But, when Castiel disappears for days, he sinks again into that sensation of unrequited romantic love.

Then Cas comes back, and then he goes away again, and then he dies.

Season 13: The reunion and the meaning of Castiel coming back

Dean's mourning for Cas can't be interpreted otherwise than LOSING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

And the longing for his angel plus some Nougat powers, brought him back.

The thing is, Dean didn't expr as his feeling for Castiel and when the angel asked him that he needed to believed that he came back for a reason, Dean goes...

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

This sound like if he was recruiting Cas for war. And Cas' took it as that. So he came back to soldier angel mode. Because, okay, if Dean and Sam needed him to fight, he will fight.

Unrequited Love again.

Season 14 Healing Dean and the prelude of the break up

Post-possesed Dean is a follow up of self knowledge and self growing. He was healing the whole season.

But in episode 14x04 we heard Dean being Jealous or hurt because Castiel didn't go to rescue him and then because he goes into hunts with Jack. Unrequited love again.

Did Cas miss me as I missed him?

Is the first time Dean will actually name the word LOVE talking with the kid.

And then Mary dies and everything is a mess.

Dean yells YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, and how sad that sounds now that the angel had died again. Saving his life.

Dark clouda over our ship...

Season 15: And Maybe is not too late...

In season 15 we lived the angst of the Destiel break up, but then their reunion in Purgatory was beautiful.

Again, facing the fact that he could lost Cas one more time, Dean went down on his knees and prayed to him, and because he was in Purgatory, his heart and mind were released from any distraction, and he was plenty focused in the love he feels for his angel.

He cried, and begged for him to come back.

And he found him, following his heart, the profound bond he has with Castiel.

But, when he was about to say something that he hadn't said in the prayer, Castiel cut him off. So... Again the hunter had to swallow his words and the unrequited love punch him again.

Then... Castiel's romantic love confession took Dean by surprise, because, now that you read all the clues i gave you and i convinced you that Dean and Cas thought their love were unrequited, you will understand Dean's reaction.

Gif credit @spnsmile

Dean didn't can't believe Cas had loved him the way he does this whole time and now, he will lose him again. Is too much pain he can't handle.

For a lot of reasons we had analyzed so many times (Dean's arc has to have a closure expressing his ILY to the angel, the Empty plot is not ended, Etc) Is logical to think Cas will come back in the last episode, and this slow burn story will end with them being together, finally.

To Conclude:

The legend of the Sun and the Moon talks about two lovers that can't be reunited but they love each other deeply.

Is accurate with Destiel, because these two men had always being pining for each other but never be able to be together as they wish.

Castiel always thinking Dean doesn't reciprocate his romantic feeling for him and Dean thinking because Cas is an angel, he doesn't love him back romantically.

The Sacred Oath always playing in Castiel's POV as an impediment too and Dean's love clocked in shame too.

The deal with the Empty had been settled as we suspected in season 14, as a romantic plot. So, it has to have a closure.

These thoughts are based on the volumes from my assay "The Destiel Chronicles", currently in it's 87th volume.

See you soon! Have faith!

Destiel Is Forever!

Tagging @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @maleansu @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-cas @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires November 17th 2020 8:33 PM

[orionsangel86]

Hi Saz! I've been following your blog for awhile now, and as someone who was convinced Castiel would not be returning for the finale I have to say you have made some very compelling arguments to the contrary. I find myself starting to have glimmers of hope which is something I thought I lost a long time ago. But something I still can't let go of is Misha's comments about Castiel's ending being "final." If that isn't about Cas being dead dead then what else could he have meant? Thoughts? Thx <3

Hey! Well as someone who has seriously gone through the depressing fear of thinking that Cas would be mistreated in the finale, the one thing I knew for certain was that he was coming back. We have confirmation of that from Misha himself back in a M&G much earlier this year. We also have a photo from set of him and the actor who plays Uriel where Misha confirmed that it was their last scene together (a scene that hasn’t happened yet in season 15). Castiel is 100% definitely in the finale. This I can absolutely promise you is the truth.

The SPN creators did work VERY hard to hide this though. VERY HARD. They don’t want anyone to know that Cas comes back. My own negativity was never because I thought he wasn’t coming back, but just because I thought he wouldn’t be a key player in the final episodes and therefore disregarded again. My concern was that when he did come back, he would be a bit part, or return just to say goodbye to the brothers and return to heaven with Jack or only be in flashbacks or something. These were my fears. Not that he was perma!dead, but that his death would be the end of him as a lead character and that they would bring him back as a side character and not as the most important person in Dean’s life next to Sam.

The canonising of Castiel’s love for Dean though, has changed ALL OF THAT. Because now, that love, that confession, looking back, it’s one of the cornerstones of the entire Season 15 story. It MUST be given a proper conclusion, the narrative DEMANDS it at this point. Dean MUST give an answer to Castiel’s confession, and there is NO WAY IN HELL after the past few seasons ESPECIALLY after 15x09 and Dean’s confession in purgatory, that Dean won’t return Cas’s feelings.

When Misha talked about Castiel’s ending being “final” I am not sure what he meant. For starters, it could be just that he wanted to throw us off the scent so the Destiel reveal would be even more of a surprise. It could be that he means Castiel will give up his grace, be human, and live a human life with Dean. That’s pretty damn final for the story if you think about it? It could also just have been Misha trying to feed us the doom and gloom as a bait and switch, knowing this whole time that we were going to get a happy ever after ending, but one that he has been sworn to absolute secrecy to not even hint at.

Basically, I wouldn’t read much into anything Misha has said in the past. His actions on Twitter following Castiel’s love confession speak for themself though. His liking of Destiel tweets, and generally celebrating? He wouldn’t be doing that if he knew for certain that Castiel’s journey was over RIGHT after coming out of the closet. Misha is very savvy on queer issues. He would never support such an ending.

Have faith. I may have only just found mine again, but honestly, its much more freeing standing under the rainbow, than hiding in the dark.

[writing-in-april]

Too little Too late

Spencer Reid x GN Reader, Spencer Reid x BAU Team (Plationic Angst) Spencer’s POV

The fic cycles by @zhuzhubii inspired this very angsty fic along with some help by @ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff and some Spencer Reid headcanons from @m0rcia​ about the ugly side of his addiction.

A/N: This is Very Sad READ WITH CAUTION, I warned y’all. This is my first fic in Spencer’s POV and my next one should be in his POV as well. Also I don’t have any personal brushes with addiction so this may not be an entirely accurate portrayal of what it entails. Also if you or someone you love is suffering from addiction this number- 1-800-662-4357 is a national hotline for substance abuse,  know you’re not alone and we all love you.

Warnings: READ WITH CAUTION MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING, Drug abuse (specifically dilaudid), Major character death, Depression, and Suicide ( I think that is it but please let me know if there is anymore I should add )

Summary: Spencer doesn’t know what he’s fighting for anymore. Set after revelations (season 2 episode 15)

Masterlist Word count: 1.4k

I was trying, truly I was. But, right now the cravings were too hard to ignore and I couldn’t quite remember what I was fighting for in the first place. The only things I had to look forward to as of late was when Y/N talked to me at the end of every day when we were on a case. Y/N always talked to us all every time we were about to go to our hotel to try to keep us positive and objective. But, this time as I looked around in the lobby of the hotel room filled only with moonlight and a small desk lamp for the late night worker I noticed something that made my heart drop to my toes. They weren’t here.

They weren’t here.

The very small part of my brain that still functioned on logic tried to tell me that the case was rough for them and they were probably affected just as much as the rest of us. However, the rage bubbling up in my mind came to one conclusion only.

I was utterly abandoned.

I had even told myself that I was going to come clean to them today, that I was going to reach out and ask for help. I knew now that no one cared how I felt. I felt like I had been rescued and no one even cared if it affected me, all they seemed to care about was that I was the same as before. I felt like I was a toy used just for decoration, lost by a child, when I was found again I was put back onto the shelf for display. No one cared if I had been chewed on by the dog, just that I still looked pretty enough to sit on the shelf. And the only one who had bothered to reach out was gone, I didn’t blame them, they were probably sick of all the complaining I did, my stupid little rants, the way I used my hands to much to talk, and all of my other stupid little quirks.

My rushing body and mind looked for the thing it craved for the most, to avoid all the emotions rushing to the surface just so I could feel nothing. As I stumbled to my room I vaguely thought about how I probably looked like a mad man running to my room but at this point nothing mattered above getting to the release that I desired.

We had single rooms on this case and I was glad that I wouldn’t have to hide out in the bathroom to experience my high. I frantically looked for the hotel key so I could finally get to the only comfort I had anymore before I caught sight of the door to the room right next to mine. It was Y/N’s and I briefly considered knocking, though the shaking need for dilaudid pulled me inside my own hotel room away from the person I was sure had abandoned me.

I barely got into my room before I rushed onto the bed and frantically searched for the little glass vial that would bring me relief. When I put the hypodermic needle in to measure out the dose I didn’t really bother to pay attention to how much was in the syringe, just that it was a lot. With the tourniquet wrapped around my arm I started to look for a vein, I groaned out in frustration when I couldn’t find a proper one and I had to switch to my other arm. Once the dilaudid was injected into my veins I breathed a sigh of relief, all I had to do was just wait for the high to hit.

I knew I had injected too much but I didn’t find it within me to care. All I cared about was the high that was now coursing through my body, taking away all my thoughts into a euphoric state. The little portion of my brain that refused to yet shut down was telling me that I had definite signs of overdose- my hands were clammy and cold, my breathing slowing down to long deep almost gasping breaths, and my heart was slowing down so much that I could barely hear the thumping in my ears. I looked up at the beige ceiling through my barely open eyes that had drooped down almost closed. I knew that when my eyes closed sleep would not follow, something more permanent than sleep was taking over my body. But, again I didn’t seem to care because no one cared about me anymore. My mind did drift to the people in my life wondering what would happen in the morning when they realized I was gone.

Would they cry over my body? Would they even try to use CPR? Would they even bother to use the NARCAN that was sitting at the bottom of his bag? Or would they take one look at my pale blue lips and tell themselves that it was for the best?

What would they tell my mom? It was selfish of me to leave her all alone but she has people who take better care of her then I ever did. They’ll tell her something more palatable than me dying from a drug overdose. Maybe they’ll even try to convince her I was still alive as to not push her fragile mental state. Maybe they’ll write letters pretending to be me to convince her I was still here, but it doesn’t matter what they tell her.

She doesn't need me. They don’t need me. She’ll be fine. They’ll be fine.

——-

Everyone knew something was off when Spencer wasn’t the first one downstairs in the morning guzzling coffee that was undoubtedly way too sweet and furiously looking over case files.

Y/N was the last person in the morning and when she noticed that he wasn’t there she made a mad dash to his room. Everyone had their suspicion of what had been going on with Spencer but no one wanted to say it out loud or push him too much. Y/N had been hoping he would reach out to her during one of their talks, they knew he would probably refuse if they reached out to him.

A sinking feeling sat in all their guts as they followed Y/N up to his room. Tears were all prickling in their eyes as they each took turns pounding on the door before Derek decided it was time to kick the door in.

The reactions of the team were all different to finding his body cold to the touch, lips blue, and a needle sticking out of his arm with a tourniquet wrapped around it.

Hotch immediately went into boss mode along with Derek, both alternating doing CPR while the other searched hopefully for NARCAN in his bag. They did happen to find it though using it to no avail but they never stopped trying, not until EMS came to relieve them from their duties. Throughout it all they tried to be stoic and calm but both couldn't help but call out brokenly for Spencer to wake up, tears from Derek falling onto what they both knew deep down was a corpse.

Emily and Rossi were the calmest ones out of the bunch, Emily being on the phone with 911 while Rossi went to get help from the staff. They couldn’t totally hide their pain, they both had silent tears streaming down their faces and they both could barely get the words out.

JJ was sitting in the corner of the room hands roughly in her hair, her face pale, and it almost looked as if she was about to be sick from the sight. She couldn’t fathom that this was happening right in front of her and she was shutting down.

Y/N had the worst reaction screaming hysterically at Spencer’s body while roughly shaking his cold hand. They tried to feel for a pulse in vain, starting to shake violently when they couldn’t find one. When EMS came to take him to the hospital Y/N had to be pried off of his body by Emily, almost punching her in the face as they violently tried to crawl back towards Spencer’s arm to look for the pulse again even though they knew they wouldn’t find it.

Besides an exchange between Derek and Hotch the ride to the hospital was completely silent besides stifled sobs from Y/N. Hotch had broken his rough facade while driving to the hospital with silent tears that blurred his ability to drive. He switched with Derek, not that he was much better, he had to drive extremely slow to avoid crashing.

No one wanted to admit it.

No one wanted to admit that he was gone.

No one wanted to admit that they were too late to save him.

Y/N blamed themself for not talking to him last night, maybe if they had talked they would’ve noticed how much he was struggling last night. They all knew they should’ve said something but the time never felt right. It was too little too late.

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #28- I Sure Hope Y’all Like Megatron

“Dark Cybertron” is finally over! Woohoo!

Who’s ready for a return to hijinks and mild peril?

I know this guy is!

Hold on a second-

We start our foray into Season 2 of MTMTE with a little meta-humor-

-and then it’s right into the swing of things, as Brainstorm uses the thin, fragile wine glass of faction-based morality to hold his personal need to make instruments of violence. Nautica disapproves, but then why wouldn’t she? She’s not been steeped in the militant ideologies of the Autobots for millions of years.

It’s six months after the convoluted events of “Dark Cybertron”, and our beloved ship, the Lost Light, is back on track for the Knight Quest. Nautica’s joined the crew, which is neat, but there are far more interesting things going on.

Like Rung actually doing his fucking job for once.

Wow, look at that little creamsicle man go.

It would seem that in the last half-year (by Earth standards) Megatron’s somehow gotten himself into the esteemed position of Captain of the Lost Light. This likely means that Rodimus has been defeated in battle, or perhaps fucked off on yet another space yacht to run away from his responsibilities. I suppose the narrative will have to fill us in on just what exactly happened.

Or, at least, I hope it does. Wouldn’t be a terribly good story if I had to guess on how exactly this dude’s in charge of a whole-ass Autobot crew.

Yes, yes, I know he switched sides, but goddammit, it takes a little more than saying sorry and changing your wardrobe to excuse the murder of half of NYC.

I mean, we can do both. Both is an option. I’ll break out The Communist Manifesto right now, let’s fuckin’ gooooooooo-

Six months prior to Megatron’s therapy appointment, Rodimus is ready to high-tail it off of Cybertron yet again. This is because, as established in previous posts, Cybertron kinda sucks butt. He bursts into the meeting Optimus Prime called- even though he’s really not leader of anything anymore, Starscream is- bids everyone farewell, and is about to run back out of the room when he’s stopped.

Turns out that the populace of Cybertron want Megatron to stand trial. That makes sense, given what all he’s done. Of course, the Autobot pals we’ve got in the room want to skip due process and go straight to the part where Megatron pays through the nose for the last four million years.

Which doesn’t feel terribly heroic or good guy-ish, but I think by this point you’ve probably caught on to the fact that everyone in IDW Transformers is morally gray at BEST.

Because Megatron’s had a rough time the last few years, in relation to his bodily integrity, spark extraction- that thing that High Command lied about in relation to Overlord- isn’t an option. It would just kill him dead.

Uh, excuse me? Optimus Prime, sir? Monsieur Premier?

Guess Optimus hasn’t been keeping up with exRiD.

Anyway, yeah, since Tyrest fucked off in “The Sound of Breaking Glass” and also tried to commit a genocide, we’re gonna need someone to cast judgement.

Course, a military trial isn’t exactly ideal, but as long as it’s open to the public, it should be fine.

Probably.

Anyway, Prowl’s also going to help. Ultra Magnus has been assigned the task of representing Megatron in court, a job which he’s positively delighted to have, if his face is any indication.

The gang breaks for lunch, and Rodimus and Optimus touch base on how the Knight Quest is going.

Because Rodimus’ half of the Matrix had the map for finding the Knights of Cybertron in it, they’re gonna have to go with Plan B.

Oh fuck yes, I love Plan B!

Unfortunately, finding the ideal romantic partner for all Cybertronians is going to have to wait until after the trial, because Optimus really wants Rodimus here for this. Though perhaps there’s a way to make things move a little faster…

Back in the present, Megatron’s had just about enough of Rung being a psychiatry joke, and is about to walk out of his appointment. Ravage is here, which is neat. Rung asks Megatron about the three most important people in his life, and how he met them. One of these people is, funnily enough, Rung.

Rung, if you’ll recall, was thrown into Megatron and Impactor’s table at Maccadams waaaaaay back in The Transformers #22, the first issue of the IDW run that Roberts wrote solo. It would seem that getting arrested and subjected to police brutality ruined his once-idealistic worldview. This is just a lightning-round recap of the events of the “Chaos Theory” storyline.

Being reminded of how hard he got dunked on makes Rung break out his copy of Megatron’s autobiography, Towards Peace. Of course, Megatron has to be “that guy”, and makes it out to be far more than it actually is. My dude, you used your writing to tell all your proto-Decepticon buddies to go beat up Whirl in prison. Let’s not make things sound more grandiose than they are.

Anyway, it turns out that Rung is actually just as much a nerd as he looks, as he reveals that he’s in possession of one of the only few copies of the original version of Towards Peace. And then he takes off his glasses and the fans go bonkers, even though he’s just got that Milne Same-Face going on, just like everyone else.

There you are, you animals.

Rung discusses Revisionism, I’m reminded that the first publication of Eugenesis had a dedication to Roberts’ son of all people, and we get the question of who Terminus is to Megatron.

But alas! The X-ray vision’s been turned on, and it’s time to see… nude robots? An in-depth anatomy lesson?

Robots are confusing sometimes. Anyways, major props to Milne for drawing all that detail. Dude does the technical stuff with a ferocity that must be awe-inspiring to behold.

Megatron’s decided that it’s time for lunch, and then he’s going to do captain stuff.

Because he’s captain of the Lost Light.

I’m convinced Rodimus is dead. That’s the only way this is happening.

Six months ago, Swerve was being awful Swerve-like, with his new buddy Crosscut- guess he finally learned the guy’s name- and Riptide, who we’ll get to a little later on. These three wonderful lads are holding a sort of “crew try-outs”, and it looks like the requirements needed for entry on Megatron’s Lost Light are stiff.

Still, maybe our new friend Nautica will make the cut.

Oh, you are simply delightful!

Despite Nautica having interest in nearly every topic in the universe, on top of having impeccable taste in booze, she just misses the cut. It’s at this point that Nightbeat bursts into the room to stop this farce from going any further. The fact that nobody mentioned anything prior to this is surprising, given that portmanteaus don’t really seem the type of thing Ultra Magnus would approve of.

Back six months ago, we see what Optimus Prime’s super great idea was to expedite the judicial process- Chromedome. It’s always Chromedome. He’s gonna do that thing he promised his late husband he’d stop doing. I suppose it’s a good thing- for Rewind, anyway- that Megatron is wholly against the idea of having his memories torn out of his head. Guess we’re gonna have to do the trial the normal, non brain-pokey way.

Optimus leaves the cell, because I suppose he’s remembered that there’s a conflict of interests here, but Rodimus stays behind to let Megatron know he deserves everything that’s coming his way.

Then Megatron breaks out the puzzle-box from Hellraiser.

In the present, Chromedome isn’t so much spiraling in his depression as he is circling the drain. Nightbeat doesn’t give a shit about that though- he’s more concerned with the fact that one of the numbers on the door to Chromedome’s room is missing. But I’m sure it’s fine.

It’s fiiiiiiiiiiine.

While Nightbeat’s busy being insensitive to his fellow man’s distress, Megatron’s arrived to his room to find his door’s been vandalized by a bunch of idiots who must have just discovered what a thesaurus is. Then he gets shot in the fucking hand with an arrow.

As you do.

Whirl’s gotten ahold of a bow, and he fully intends to use it for Megatron-directed violence. And also his fists. His very pointy fists. He punches Megatron through the fucking floor into the fuel furnace, and they fall what’s probably a good 200 feet to the ground below. Whirl yells about evening the score between the two of them, and then knees Megatron in the dick.

Turns out, Megatron remembers Whirl even better than originally thought, having gone so far as to order his forces to not kill Whirl, because, in a way, he was grateful for the lesson he learned back before the war in Rodion.

Oh man, I hope Rung’s somehow listening in on this. Like, eavesdropping is obviously bad medicine, but we’ve already established that he sucks as a professional, and he needs what few advantages he can get.

Whirl, enraged by the implication that he’s been fighting fixed battles for the last four million years, punches Megatron in the gut… and his arm gets swallowed up by an errant portal leftover from all of Shockwave’s tampering. Since you can’t really fight with only one arm, Megatron wanders off to do captainy things.

Walking back the timeline slightly, we revisit Megatron leaving Rung’s office, and the idea of personal revisionism, the conversation becoming parallel with the strange happenings going on within the ship, as Rewind’s final message is altered so as not to end with “I love you” but instead a blood-curdling scream. Chromedome is, understandably, upset by this turn of events.

Over with Whirl, it’s revealed that the little fight we saw was intentionally set up. For what purpose, or by whom, is left a mystery.

Please see a doctor.

One last flashback to the trial, as Prowl lists off everything that’s standing in the way of our Sympathetic Megatron Redemption Arc.

Good fuckin’ luck, James.

Back in the present, Megatron’s slapped a bandaid on the hole in his torso, as he checks to see what’s happening on the bridge. It would appear there’s a coffin floating around in space.

Pretty fucked up.

[chaseatinydream]

pabo || c.s (atz)

➵ PAIRING: reader x choi san (ateez)

➵ WORD COUNT: 5778

➵ GENRE: fluff, mildly suggestive if you squint

➵ SYNOPSIS:  hongjoong tries his best, but in the end, san’s still a big pabo, and still the man you fell in love with.

>>>

“Is everything ready?”

“Yes, hyung. The ambiance is perfect, Seonghwa-hyung is putting the second batch of popcorn in the microwave, and we have successfully hacked into Mingi’s Netflix account.” Yeosang reports as he steps into his leader’s bedroom, carrying two bowls of popcorn, one salted and one caramel. Hongjoong grabs the two bowls as fast as he can and proceeds to remove every last unpopped kernel from the bowl at the speed of light, determination burning in his eyes; none shall escape him.

“Yah, you didn’t hack it, you and Yunho just tickled me till gave the password to you!” Mingi blusters in protest from the hallway, cheeks tinged red as Hongjoong’s attention continues to be completely riveted on assaulting the popcorn, a small hill of unpopped kernels growing next to him. Yeosang raises an eyebrow at the younger member, thoroughly amused.

“It’s alright, you know we don’t judge what you watch, Mingi.” He says matter of factly, but the way Mingi’s face turns fire engine red in a matter of seconds shows that he doesn’t believe that one bit. Hongjoong pauses in the process of sorting out the popcorn, looking up slowly at his member to quirk an eyebrow. “...What exactly is Mingi watching?”

Yeosang opens his mouth to answer, but Mingi beats him to it, rushing in with a “I am a mature man who can watch anything he wants! I have no shame, but you cannot intrude upon my privacy like this, it is my personal tastes and I can enjoy appropriate and deeply emotional shows for my age-”

“He was binge watching all seven seasons of My Little Pony on Netflix. Completely valid, by the way.” Yeosang cuts in with a shrug, popping a caramel popcorn into his mouth. “Friendship is magic.”

Hongjoong keeps the tiny snicker in his mouth as he sifts through the bowl with his fingertips, checking for anymore miscreants that have managed to escape his eye. The deep voiced rapper groans, buries his face in Hongjoong’s minion plush, ears clearly turning bright pink. “I… I have no shame…"

“Sure, Mingi.”

“Anyways, Yeosang,” Hongjoong turns to the vocalist leaning against the door frame, “have you contacted… you know who yet? Are San and Wooyoung back from snack shopping? How long more do we have left?”

“Daddy’s home!” San’s voice rings out through the dorm and Yeosang barely manages to repress a snort. “Snacks!” Mingi cheers, rushing outside and nearly tripping over the popcorn bowl (“Mingi!” Hongjoong screams in alarm) in his haste. The leader breathes a sigh of relief when the popcorn escapes unscathed, holding it close like it’s his firstborn child, “Ohhh, thank God…”

“You’re really into this, aren’t you?” Yeosang comments as the noise of Wooyoung and Yunho squabbling over dominance of the remote drifts into the room. Hongjoong lets out a long suffering sigh, eyes closing with all the burdens he has endured.

“The two of them have been dancing around each other for as long as I can remember,” He groans in exasperation, dragging a hand across his face. “At first it was funny watching San-ie being an idiot, but now it’s just sad and depressing.”

Yeosang hides a laugh behind a polite cough as his leader continues to rant so fast he sounds like he’s practicing a new rap. “I swear to god, every time I see the two of in this awkward I clearly like you and am trying to flirt with you but you have the emotional awareness the size of a teaspoon so I think you just see me as a friend nonsense I just... I just feel myself slowly dying on the inside. He comes to me all the time to talk to me about you know who and he practices confessing to me without ever trying it himself in the first place and if I hear one more word about how he thinks they’re just friends I am going to kill him in sleep.” An amused smile grows on one corner of Yeosang’s mouth. “It physically hurts. It takes a mental toll on me. It’s like acid eating away at me. It’s like being struck by lightning repeatedly in the face. And if it goes on for another day I am going to scream.” He finally takes a deep breath, fanning his cheeks when he realises he’s run out of breath. “Wow. That was emotional. I should turn those into some song lyrics for our next comeback.”

The younger vocalist snickers and there’s a crash outside, the sound of the couch falling over, and Seonghwa’s horrified shout of “you pabos!” from the kitchen. “It’ll be fun to see how this turns out, at the very least.” He says as Hongjoong rises to his feet, carrying the bowls of popcorn with him. Before he turns to leave the room, he pauses to tell Hongjoong, “you do know, when you were sorting through the popcorn, you ended up mixing them in the same bowl, right?”

Hongjoong frowns deeply at the bowl for a second as Yeosang heads for the chaos of the living room, studying the contents. Then realisation dawns on his face, and he groans, fighting the urge to smack his forehead into the wall. “I’m such an idiot.”

“I agree!” Yeosang calls from the hallway, and Hongjoong gives a good natured roll of the eyes before moving to join his members outside, salty caramel popcorn and all.

He’s going to make everything perfect down to the last cushion they sit on, play winged cupid for the two of them and hopefully, tonight is the night the torture will end. And maybe at their wedding, he’ll get to be the best man and San will give a long speech about how he everything to Hongjoong for the start of their beautiful love story.

Well, confessing was just the first step.

>>>

The ambiance is not perfect.

Yunho and Mingi are squabbling over the movie choices, Mingi trying to avoid every horror movie on the streaming site (which is impossible, considering that all the movies showing in the month of October are horror movies) while Yunho jumps around dangerously on the sofa with the remote in hand, likely the beginning of their very own Final Destination movie.

“You know,” Hongjoong remarks mildly as he stares at the massive orange thing sitting innocently on the floor of their dorm, “when I said to get a few snacks to get the mood up, I didn’t mean to buy a whole… pumpkin.”

“What other snack is better for the month of Halloween than a pumpkin?” San crows, raising his hand to give Wooyoung a cheeky high-five. Seonghwa stands at the doorway of the kitchen, fingers pressed to his temples in an attempt to face reality, while Hongjoong lets out a pained sigh before he knows what he’s doing. Stumbling to sit at the dining table, he puts his head into his hands with only one very clear thought in mind; San is clearly the villain of his own love story.

“Wooyoung.” Hongjoong says, disappointment dripping from every syllable. “You let San buy a pumpkin.”

“Yep! Oh, come on, it can’t be that terrible. Seonghwa-hyung can always make pumpkin soup or something some other day. It’s not that important.” The energetic dancer waves it off with a mischievous grin, until he sees the desperate, dark glow practically emanating off his leader in waves and a bead of cold sweat runs down his back, survival instinct setting off a thousand screeching sirens in his head.

“Tonight needs to be perfect.” Hongjoong stresses the last syllable with so much emphasis that Wooyoung squeaks, involuntarily moving to take a step behind San (as if he’ll be able to protect Wooyoung from Hongjoong in his demon wrath). Then a switch clicks in his mind, it comes to him and his mouth falls open in horror. “Oh, no.”

“Oh, no.” Hongjoong seethes in reply, inconsolable, Wooyoung shrinking back from his leader’s glare. Yeosang simply sighs and shrugs, disappointed but not exactly surprised, Yunho and Mingi even pausing in their little wrestle match to wince simultaneously.

San glances quizzically between the two of them in confusion when he finally catches on that there are some underlying ideas that aren’t being made privy to him.

“What’s going on-” San begins to say, but suddenly there’s a ring of the doorbell and everyone freezes, the remote dropping from Yunho’s hand to knock painfully into Mingi’s nose.

Hongjoong lets out a little, pained noise and slams his face into the table top.

“Were we expecting anyone? All of us are here, aren’t we?” San asks, doing a headcount and not seeming to notice that everyone is glued to the floor, frozen in place like badly arranged shop window mannequins. “Is it Manager-hyung? I’ll go get the door.”

“It’s ruined.” He hears Hongjoong groan as he steps over to open the door, simply frowns. Their manager won’t scold them for messing up the apartment just a little, will he? There isn’t such a big deal.

He opens the door.

Oh.

Then a few more neurons fire weakly and die. Shit.

“Hi, Hongjoong, I’m sorry I got your message late and was in a little bit of a rush coming here, have you guys started without me already?” You’re standing outside the door rummaging through your bag, looking for something, damp hair tossed back by the cold autumn wind just how he likes it and smelling of the city, dressed in a soft peach sweater that used to be his and earrings that he bought you last Christmas.

“It’s you.” San manages to croak out, he sounds like a dying frog, onstage devil, smooth as butter, offstage idiot, walking disaster, he reprimands himself belatedly, staring at you while his mind screams at him in thirty different languages that include Orcish and Latin and runs in tiny circles around his brain. You aren’t supposed to be here.

You continue to look up at him, smiling warmly, prettily with cheeks flushed peach pink that matches the sweater, his sweater, from the rush to their dorm and he simply gapes back, because his mind is not cooperating, motor functions are shutting down without his permission and he is losing all executive command.

“Uhm…” You begin softly and he snaps to attention, looking around frenziedly while you’ve clearly been standing in front of him the entire time and haven’t moved an inch, he hears Hongjoong let out an agonized groan behind him. “Are you going to let me in, Sanshine?”

It’s that nickname again, and christ, he can’t deal with how cute you are-

“Oh my god, get out of the doorway.” A hand latches hard onto the back of his shirt and drags him away, Hongjoong turning to greet you with a warm, welcoming smile. “Hi! Glad you could make it in time, and I’m sorry for the last minute invite too. Come in! The guys are excited to see you!”

“Thank you!” You chirp, stepping in, and the only thing San can think of is ‘they all knew you were coming except for him?’

“Hey!” There’s a chorus of welcomes as you step into the dorm, waving at all of them merrily until you spot the massive pumpkin just sitting in the middle of the dorm, a little bruised on one side from where Mingi had kicked it accidentally in his battle for the remote. “What is that doing here?”

Hongjoong turns his best smile-glare on Wooyoung and the dancer nearly cowers behind Seonghwa. The eldest shows no sympathy, though, and simply pushes Wooyoung out again to face the full brunt of Hongjoong’s wrath.

“I bought it…” Wooyoung squeaks as Hongjoong’s eyes continue to burn the back of his head to cinders. You pause for a moment, observing the large vegetable, before letting out a sweet laugh and smiling at Wooyoung. “You’re funny. That’s a really cute thing to do during Halloween!”

San sputters something unintelligible and Wooyoung grins bashfully, scratching the back of his head as Hongjoong thanks his lucky stars. Atmosphere, check! Level one, clear! Mission, success! This feels like it’s going to be one of their variety shows at this rate, while San’s secret goal is to sabotage the mission… except that his possible happiness and future is the mission.

“So, let’s start the movie!” Yunho announces and it finally dawns on San what you’re here to do. “Wait… you mean you are joining us for the horror movie marathon?”

Hongjoong’s mind screams in raw, physical pain.

You balk a little at the words that leaves San’s mouth, eyes becoming a little downcast. “Oh… I’m sorry. Do you not want me here? I know it’s been your yearly tradition, but Hongjoong invited me, so I thought…” Your voice trails off, and an awkward silence descends upon the two of you, every other member in the living room either having a heart attack or screaming because is San trying to ruin things for himself?

“Ah, no, no, no, that’s not what I meant!” San’s mind backpedals frantically, he’s not going to be able to concentrate on any movie while you’re there, but he doesn’t know how to say it, doesn’t think it’ll be appropriate and oh-my-god you just see him as a friend and that’s inappropriate for friends to say and-

“Ha ha ha!” Seonghwa lets out the fakest, most awkward, high pitched laugh you’ve ever heard from him and drags San away by the ear before he can spew anything more stupid from that mouth. “Just ignore San, he doesn’t know what he’s saying, he’s a little silly sometimes, you know!”

Both you and San start at the way Seonghwa is practically insulting the man to his face, but Jongho choruses in from where he’s laying out pillows and an air mattress. “Yeah, hyung’s just a big pabo, so don’t listen to him!” “We’re glad to have you here!” Mingi adds, trying to make a swipe for the remote but misses.

“Pabo?” San pipes up indignantly, squaring up and ready to throttle the younger vocalist (which would probably be a big mistake), but Hongjoong clamps a hand around San’s head and suffocates him before he can say another word. Seonghwa gestures you to a seat on the sofa, talking to you about your day at work and you reply brightly. He’s put out more fires than a veteran fireman tonight, Hongjoong pats himself on the back encouragingly as he drags San to the kitchen to help take out the popcorn, and for the next part of the mission to commence.

>>>

San’s still rubbing his ear ruefully when he steps out of the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn in hand, sending half-hearted glares in Hongjoong’s direction every once in a while. Wooyoung has turned down the living room lights and everyone is gathered in front of the television, Mingi squeaking in fright every time a clown or child’s face looms up on the recommended list Yunho is currently scrolling through.

“Ahh, you guys are back!” Yeosang says cheerfully, much too cheerfully, to San’s suspicion. “Here, we saved seats for you.”

Faster than San can blink, Hongjoong is diving onto the air mattress with a whoop, shouting “I claim dibs!” and effectively drawing a cry of pained protest from Wooyoung who was already lying on the matress. Sighing, San looks around for another available seat and sees only one left.

Next to you, on the couch, with barely enough space left for half of him, let alone all of him. He’ll be all pressed up against you, soft and warm next to him, and no. Running a hand through dark hair as he tries to plot out his next course of action that won’t leave him a bumbling idiot in front of you, he’s resigned to sitting on the floor when Hongjoong pipes up.

“There’s a seat on the couch.”

San frowns. “There is?”

Hongjoong’s eyes are almost luminous in the dark with the intensity of his gaze. “There. Is. Room. On. The. Couch.”

A shiver goes down San’s spine at the uncharacteristically terrifying stare. “Yes sir.” But you wave your hands, clearly apologetic, shaking your head as you rise to stand. “Oh no, it’s alright, I can sit on the floor if there’s no space.”

“No!” Both Hongjoong and San rush to stop you immediately, the latter sliding in next to you on the couch, honestly, it’s too tight of a squeeze and there are a myriad of nervous butterflies fluttering in his stomach that feel more like a hive of angry bees. There isn’t enough space for his upper body to fit comfortably, so he raises one arm around your shoulder, not quite touching awkwardly because the two of you are just friends and it’s not appropriate-

Yeosang buries his face in his hands. Part Two of Mission Pabo was not going well.

“Is this okay?” San grunts uncomfortably as he shimmies in next to you, trying to find the most comfortable position he can in the limited space. You look up at him in worry and suddenly your eyes, soft and dark in the faint light of the room. “Yeah, I’m fine, but isn’t this uncomfortable for you?” You shift next to him and San gasps at the feeling of your hand brushing against the bare skin of his torso where his shirt has ridden up just a little, but it’s like a jolt of electricity running through his veins. He jerks away on instinct, but in doing so, the hand around your shoulder smacks into your cheek and you yelp in pain.

San is about ready to jump out of the closest window to save himself the embarassment, but then he remembers that they’re on the first floor and he wishes desperately for the floor to just open up and swallow him whole (swallow him hole, ha).

“Are you alright?” Hongjoong rushes to ask in concern, fingertips gently brushing your cheek as he checks the area and San screams internally. “I’m so sorry, San is a bit of a pabo so please forgive him! He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

Yeosang slumps against the wall with a soft cry of secondhand embarrassment and Mingi pats his head comfortingly.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” You reassure Hongjoong and turn to beam at San warmly, his heart stops. “Let’s just start the movie, okay?”

“Okay.” He manages to breathe, and wonders how he’s going to continue doing that for the next few hours with you by his side.

>>>

The movie starts off well, or well, at least well as the chaotic eight of them could get. Wooyoung shouts and throws chocolates at the leads of Conjuring for making bad life decisions, while Mingi’s so terrified of every childlike image after Annabelle that he screams when Boss Baby appears in the recommended. San’s so enraptured in watching Final Destination that he doesn’t seem to notice that his arm is slipping down, resting partially on the couch behind you and your shoulder. Content, you simply snuggle quietly into his side, screaming when Mingi screams and looking up at San shyly when he lets out little chuckles, amused at your antics, handsome face illuminated by the light of the next ghost.

When the reindeer monster in The Ritual impales another camper through a tree, you squeak and turn your face away from the movie, but the only thing there is the crook of San’s neck, and you squeeze your eyes shut against the warm skin there. There’s a hitch of breath, a soft gasp drawn through parted lips, and his pulse hammers furiously against the tip of your nose, but that’s because of the movie, right? Not because… not because he thinks that…

A negative little feeling pokes its way into your chest and you find yourself drawing your face from San’s neck, slightly melancholy. As if he’s attuned to your emotions, San frowns, turns to look at you with concerned eyes, but before he can say a word, you rise to your feet.

“I think I’m gonna go get some snacks.” You announce suddenly, stepping over a confused Jongho and Seonghwa to get to the kitchen. Hongjoong is on the verge of tears. “San, what did you do?” He whisper-yells the second you leave the room, and San fumbles to save his ear before Hongjoong can pull it off. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Well, maybe you should have done something, then!”

“Huh?”

“I think I’ll go to the kitchen and get some snacks too, I’m terrified…” Mingi whimpers as shadows move across the tent before hands rip through the cloth and drag a screaming camper out by the ankles. Hongjoong tosses a pillow at Mingi’s face.

“You. Are. Not. Scared.” Hongjoong says so dangerously Mingi ponders which is scarier for a second, then decides it’s obviously his leader. He shrinks back under the blanket, eyes peeking out over the edge and this time Yeosang pats him on the head sympathetically. Then their leader turns to San, eyes burning with intensity. “San, how about you go help get the snacks?”

San’s confused. “But I’m not scared and I want to watch the movie-”

“Go.”

San immediately scrambles off the couch and heads for the kitchen as fast as he can, hightailing out of living room before Hongjoong can strangle him again. Sliding the door open, he steps into the kitchen silently, closing it behind him, wondering why tonight has been such a strange night.

You’re standing with your back to him, sprinkling some icing sugar over a batch of cookies that you’d brought over. Stepping over to you, he glances over your shoulder, trying to calm the heart pounding in his chest - it’s just the two of you, alone in the kitchen. “Those look good.”

“Jesus Christ, Sanshine, you scared me!” You cry out and jump backwards in fright, back pressing against San’s chest and he reaches out to straighten you by the arms. “I’m sorry!” He apologises, looking over at the mess he’s caused, icing sugar all over the counter and your fingers. “Just give me a second, I’ll-” He raises one of your hands to his lips, tongue darting out to lick the sweetness off your hands. Maybe he’s just too absorbed in his task and doesn’t hear the little whimper you let out, but his mouth dips over your fingers, dragging his teeth lightly across the skin there and sucking lightly on the tips before letting you go with a satisfied smile, swiping bubblegum pink over his lips. “There, all clean!”

The two of you stare at each other for approximately another ten seconds, you with your mouth hanging wide open, San still proud of himself for clearing up the mess until his brain catches up with what he’s just done, and how very inappropriate for friends it is.

San barely manages to hold in his scream just as a round of horrified high pitched shouts come from the living room, they reflect the state his mind is in all too well. He’s screwed things up, and now there will be no more relationship, let alone friendship, and-

After several deep breaths and near heart attacks, he manages to breathe, unable to look you in the eye. “Well… how about we just…” He drags a breath in, dragging a hand through his hair harshly, “go back out there and forget this ever happened?” The silence continues, and he holds in a little whimper. “Please?”

His plea hangs in the empty silence that stretches between the two of you, and San is convinced that he’s just made the biggest screw up of his life, this friendship is over, that Jongho was right and he is the biggest pabo-

“I don’t want to.”

Huh?

You raise your hand, and there’s a dangerous, playful glint in your eye that he can’t help but feel like he’s going to get burned by. “This is pretty… inappropriate for friends, wouldn’t you say?”

That’s what I’ve been saying this entire night! His subconscious hollers, but San forcibly wrenches him from the mental steering wheel and throws him into the backseat, mind still completely blank and uncomprehending. Nameless speech organs seemed to have lodged themselves in his mouth and throat, and butchering his attempt of a ‘what do you mean’ into a mangled ‘whu- don’t- huh?’

You laugh, a sweet, dangerous chuckle that sends a shiver down his spine and step forward, San unconsciously taking one back, another, another, and another until the small of his back hits the kitchen island and he has nowhere else to escape, but you’re still closing the distance between the two of you, and his heart leaps into his mouth, pulse thundering haywire - this can’t be good for his cardiac health.

Then your arms are coming up to brace themselves on the kitchen counter and he’s trapped, irises blown wide and cheeks flushed as you lean in close, more close than appropriate, completely inappropriate for friends, and there’s a little voice that keeps screaming in his head, he actually might be on the verge of a heart attack, and-

“How about this?” You whisper, and a shudder wrecks his spine, a coy smile that is, too, entirely inappropriate for this situation playing on your lips, his breaths are coming out in short little pants and he doesn’t know what or how to think. “Is this inappropriate for friends too?”

“Very.” He finds himself replying, voice weak, and instantly finds an urge to cover his face in embarrassment, what on earth is he saying? But before he can, one of your hands pins his wrist to the counter next to him with barely any force and he feels his knees go weak, because that’s sexy as hell, and then you’re leaning in, leaning in closer…

The first slide of your lips against his and he forgets how to breathe.

It’s soft, electric, barely there but sends fire and ice racing over his body and his head spins, a soft whine muffled against your lips, you taste like impulse and desire and cherry sweet not friend appropriate intent, and he nearly collapses against the counter, elbows propped against the cool marble surface barely serving to keep him upright.

You pull away, but not far, still close enough to feel his hitching breath tickling your face in little, breathy puffs, watching as he tries to claw the remains of his self control back together. His head has fallen back to expose the underside of his jaw and the hollow of his throat, and while you feel a near irrepressible urge to kiss and taste the skin there, you stave it off, delayed gratification, you promise yourself. His eyelids flutter dazedly, slivers of dark brown flitting between between glancing at you and flinching away, raw emotion pooling in the corners of his eyes.

Oh, he is so beautiful to watch like this.

Your lips meet again, a little deeper this time, and he whispers your name hot against your mouth. When you part your lips just a little to drag the tip of your tongue across his bruised lower lip, he keens, melting against you and you press him against the kitchen island with your hands on his hipbones, “can’t have you fainting on me now, can I?”

And then you’re pulling away, finally, blessedly, regrettably and he manages to crack one eye open, chest still heaving for breath and wondering how he’s still alive as you smile innocently at him, tongue darting out to flick against the corner of your mouth. “There.” You tell him softly, holding his gaze the entire time with some sort of dark intensity lurking beneath the surface, voice somewhere between a purr and a rasp. “All clean.”

His words? Thrown back at him. His mind? Left in shambles? Hotel? Trivago.

He needs to visit a cardiologist tomorrow.

“Clean.” He manages to repeat, voice hoarse, and then you’re grinning so cheerfully that San has whiplash, you take him by the hand and lead him back outside, where everyone is still watching the movie. You slide back onto your seat and pat the space next to you. San sits, a little gingerly, and you shift, so that you’re almost half in his lap, and tuck his arm around your waist, burying your face in the crook of his neck just like you were earlier. His pulse picks up again, fluttering against your cheek and you smile, letting your eyes squeeze close, feeling happier than you have for the first time in months.

Silently, San draws you in, arms wrapping tightly around your waist as he pulls you closer, plants a soft kiss on your temple and leans his cheek against the top of your head, closing his eyes as the last camper finally escapes the forest.

From the air mattress, Wooyoung and Hongjoong fist bump and do a dab.

>>>

He’s awoken by a clicking sound.

“I’m keeping these forever.”

“I’m never going to let this go down. I’m going to write it down, my kids will know about it, my great great grand kids will know about, then I’m going to sell the USB to his kids as blackmail-”

San grunts, batting against the noise as a sleepy haze tries to pull him back under, there’s an abrupt silence and then furious whispering. Unfortunately, San is far too removed from dreamland to return to sleep now and stretches his back, or rather, attempts to.

He realises he can’t properly feel his legs and blinks his eyes open sleepily, trying to spot the reason for his discomfort and seeing oh-

You’re curled up in his lap and against his chest, each soft breath puffing against his neck and hands fisted in the fabric of his shirt. Even though he probably really should get you to move before he loses all feeling in his legs, he’s loathe to do so, instead staring down at you with unreadable eyes, chest tightening.

“Rise and shine!” Hongjoong yawns, looking bright and cheery, which is… unsettling to say the least. He taps you on the shoulder and you grumble, still soft and sleepy and so adorable that San swears there are flowers growing in his heart, burying your face in his neck as if that would hide you from the rest of the world.

Rest of the world.

San looks up and sees the rest of his members already wide awake and staring expectantly at him, minus Yunho who is still completely crashed on the air mattress. That doesn’t make things a lot better. He feels his cheeks burning in an instant and Wooyoung lets out a seal like laugh, San picks up a minion plush and tosses it at his best friend while Hongjoong rushes to save it.

“Hey.” He grabs your wrist and tugs gently, and you finally sit up and rub the sleep from your eyes. Oh, he thinks. Damn, he adds. He’s whipped.

“We didn’t mean to wake you up, but you should be getting home before peak hour.” Yeosang supplies helpfully, and San can’t help but mourn a little for the loss of your weight on his thigh, even though his legs are crying for joy. You nod, grab your things and head for the door, Hongjoong gives San a stern stare. “San, show her out.”

San doesn’t protest this time, moving over to the door where you’re slipping on your shoes and patting down your hair, he leans against the door frame and simply looks, watches until he can bring the words to pass his lips.

“So…” San begins, and you glance up at him curiously. “I.... I wanted to say that… to ask if… we could be...”

More, his heart and mind chorus. Inappropriate, another part of him adds with a gleeful little chuckle, and he claps that bit into the dustbin and slams the lid on top.

“I’ve had enough of this.” Hongjoong storms over and San glances over in confusion at his tiny leader near bursting with rage, but Hongjoong grabs San by the shoulders, spins him to face you squarely and shakes him a little. “Spit it out, San! I’ve heard it a thousand and one times already, so it should be easy for you to recite by now, shouldn’t it?”

San gapes in horror. “I-”

You laugh. “It’s okay, Hong, I think I already know what he wants to say.” Hongjoong blinks in confusion, but you turn to San, smile radiantly and lean forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips, they still taste like sugar. San merely stands there, frozen as a petrified tree as you step back and wave, to the rest of the boys in the room. “Bye, guys! Bye, Yunho! Thanks, Seonghwa!” The oldest salutes, his other hand pressed firmly across the maknae’s eyes as he complains and struggles to get out of his grasp.

Then you’re gone.

Hongjoong waits a whole minute for San to react as Seonghwa and Jongho squabble in the back, and when San doesn’t, still staring blankly out of the door, he moves forward to tap San on the shoulder. “Um… San-ah? You okay there? Did we break your brain or anything?”

San turns around slowly, a befuddled expression on his face as he glances up to look at his leader, blinking slowly, fingertips pressed to his lips in amazement.

“But Hongjoong-hyung… that was completely inappropriate for friends…”

Wooyoung and Hongjoong scream.

>>>

Some time ago…

“Mission Pabo Part Three: Surveillance, begin!” Hongjoong whispers the second San disappears into the kitchen and Wooyoung immediately drags a tablet out from under the air mattress, placing it on the couch as the rest of the members crowd around it, Mingi excluded, who’s still too terrified to expose himself to the evil spirits held at bay by his blanket. Yeosang fiddles with the buttons on the app, scrolling through channels as the rest hiss at him to hurry up.

“Shh! I’m trying.” Yeosang whispers back huffily, tapping on several tabs and channels. Jongho shifts closer to the screen, trying to see the feed over Seonghwa’s shoulder, who’s a few inches from losing balance and frowns. Honestly, did his hyungs think this kind of stupid strategy would work? “Kitchen… kitchen… there it is!”

Immediately his hyungs scream, Yeosang very nearly tossing the whole tablet into the air. Jongho makes a face of disgust and moves to pick up the fallen device, but before he can take another step, Seonghwa pounces right on him, shoving a pillow over his face as he screeches for Wooyoung to turn the damned thing off.

Jongho never finds out what happened in that kitchen.

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 11: In Dreams (originally posted on March 29, 2021)

AN: Hope you all packed your bags dear readers, cause we're gonna go on a real trip. One of my initial ideas for Alternate Future was with the addition as Aquamarine as a more major antagonist, we'd also have a mini-character arc about Peridot blaming herself for Steven's capture at the end of Season 4 even years later, which I felt was kind of a waste of possible character development for the little nacho. Regardless, it's time I finally see it through myself. And trust me, I'm really gonna put Peri through the wringer.

Synopsis: Steven's dream powers start acting up when he and Peridot want to watch TV.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven, Stefan

Shelby Rabara as Peridot

Johnny Hawkes as Cookie Cat, Rodrigo

Marieve Hernington as Jasmine

Della Saba as Marine, Aquamarine

--

The night was dark as Steven strolled through Beach City on his way home after a long day until he heard music. Racing to the beach house, he discovered that colorful flashing lights and loud music were coming from inside the house, and that got him super excited.

"All right!" Steven gasped cheerfully. "Now that I've saved the universe, I finally get to party!" When he raced to his front window, Steven could see all his friends inside dancing the night away. Garnet, Amethyst & Pearl, Lars and the Off-Colors, Lapis, Bismuth & Peridot, Connie, even Onion was breaking it down. Before he could join the fun, however, the door and windows suddenly vanished, leaving behind an empty wooden wall. "Huh? Hey guys, let me in! This isn't funny!"

"STEVEN!" a booming voice echoed from above. When Steven looked up, he discovered that Obsidian's head was replaced with a giant Cookie Cat looking down on him with a taunting grin. "NOBODY NEEDS YOUR HELP! SO WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"

"What?!" Steven cried before the porch opened up like a trap door under him, forcing the boy to fall through the sky screaming.

--

"STEVEN! STEVEN!"

A little voice broke Steven out of slumber and back into the real world in his bedroom. "Why do I keep having these dreams?" he mused to himself. "Are they telling me something?"

"STEVEN, OPEN UP!" the voice cried out while pounding on the door.

"Peridot?" Steven began to recognize the green Gem's nasally voice as he walked downstairs and let the former Kindergartener in.

"STEVEN STEVEN STEVEN STEVEN!" Peridot chanted, beetling in place while holding popcorn and drinks. "Today's the big day! Did you tape the premiere?!"

"What premiere? I have no idea what you're talking about." Steven said coyly.

"But you promised me!" Peridot whined, not realizing that her half-organic friend might be joking.

"Oh, you mean the premiere of the reboot of the classic Great North teen camping drama Camp Pining Hearts that I recorded," Steven revealed as he pulled out a VHS tape. "on this very tape?"

Peridot gasped at the mere mention of the show she had awaited for so long and began squealing excitedly. "Yes, it's finally here!"

"THE RETURN OF CAMP PINING HEARTS!" the pair declared joyfully.

--

Steven and Peridot raced upstairs to watch the Camp Pining Hearts reboot when Steven realized someone was missing. "Hey, where's Lapis? I thought she was a big fan of CPH as you are."

"Oh, she declined to attend our viewing because she feels this reboot will be an abomination." Peridot answered as she sat down at the foot of Steven's bed. "You know that United Defenders of the World show? She really likes that too, and that's gotten a reboot much like Camp Pining Hearts, but she doesn't like how that is so dark and depressing because apparently, it's more adult. I mean, come on! Can't we go one minute without any intense violence or Mangolin yelling so many nasty wo-"

"What, she's not coming because one show clouds her judgment of another?" Steven rolled his eyes at Peridot's explanation while putting the tape into his VHS player. "That's a little silly. But I'm glad you were still able to come because I've been having these weird dreams lately. Like, are any of them real or-"

"That's not important Steven!" Peridot shut her fellow fan's mouth. "Now press play already you monster!"

Steven chuckled for a bit before he started the tape, and the theme song for the Camp Pining Hearts reboot began to play while two attractive young actors were credited for the roles of its leads, Jasmine and Rodrigo. Steven excitedly ate popcorn while Peridot waved a Great North flag around as the show began.

--

Fifty-two minutes later, the credits finally rolled, and Steven & Peridot were left stunned, silent, and disappointed.

"L-Lapis warned me, and I didn't listen." Peridot quivered in shock.

"W-what?" Steven added, just as horrified. "What…."

"WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?!" the pair roared in unison.

"What is with that Rodrigo guy?!" Peridot began complaining and clawing at her face. "He has no charisma! He is clearly inferior to the old cast!"

"And can we just talk about the cinematography?" Steven added just as furiously while Peridot got up and marched towards the TV.

"They changed all the characters, and I don't care about any one of them!" Peridot threw a tantrum and began venting by picking up the set & slamming it to the ground. "How could this happen to us?!" she began to cry her eyes out on the television. "Camp Pining Hearts was my escape when I first arrived on Earth, when my whole world was nothing but chaos!"

"CPH brought us all together." Steven comforted his green friend, though he was sobbing as well.

"And now, just look at this nightmare!" Peridot yelled with a hand to the TV screen when it stopped showing the Camp Pining Hearts reboot. Instead, it began playing Steven's dream from last night. "Wait, Steven, when were you ever an actor?"

"What? No, they didn't!" Steven exclaimed as the dream continued on television. "Is this my dreams?" When Steven watched himself fall from the beach house in his dream, the TV then switched back to Camp Pining Hearts. "Whoa! My dream powers must be messing with the TV signal!"

"How in the world is that even possible?!" Peridot raised an eyebrow at this revelation, but it also gave her an idea. "Wait just a second. Steven, you realize what this means?!"

"I should start wearing a tinfoil hat?" Steven asked, unaware of what the little genius had planned.

"No!" Peridot answered. "If we use your dream powers on the TV, we can make our own Camp Pining Hearts! We'll reboot the reboot!"

"Reboot the reboot?" Steven realized and excitedly stood up. "Peridot, you're a genius!"

"I know." Peridot smugly declared.

"Plus, it would be really fun to fix something small this time." Steven said before Peridot wrapped a lime-colored arm around his neck.

"This shall be the beginning of Peridot & Steven Productions!" Peridot triumphantly declared.

"Yeah!" Steven added, and then he fell from Peridot's grasp.

--

Later that day, Steven and Peridot were now standing in front of a whiteboard detailing all their plans for fixing the Camp Pining Hearts Reboot, bouncing more plans off each other in regards to shipping.

"So Peridot, you think Jasmine's endgame should be Khaz or Rodrigo?" Steven asked Peridot while looking at a web of pictures of the characters from the reboot.

"It seems the characters are trying to railroad us into a Jasrigo relationship, despite turning everyone else into complete jerks just because they don't agree with-" Peridot began, but then she started getting irritated. "Gah, these characters have no chemistry together! It's like they're being shipped just because they're the leading man and woman!"

"Just can't get into Rodrigo, eh?" Steven asked his writing partner.

"He's just so passive and quiet, it's positively irritating!" Peridot yelled. "He has none of the old cast's personalities that made them so memorable!"

"Sure he may be really quiet and soft," Steven assured Peridot. "but what if we try to do something with his social anxiety and peanut allergy despite them not being connected to the larger story, like make him a foil?"

"A foil, you say?" Peridot raised an eyebrow at Steven's idea. "Okay, I'm listening."

"I got it!" Steven declared before he sat down in front of some pencils and paper and began to draw. "I call him Stefan." He began explaining while drawing. "He's a hunky lifeguard friend with nice muscles that everyone likes and wants to hang out with. His popularity is both a blessing and a curse, yet always makes time to help his buddy Rodrigo boost his confidence." He handed his final drawing over to Peridot, which turned out to be a sketch of a more muscular Steven.

"So he's like your self-insert!" Peridot beamed at her friend's work. "I like your ideas, Stefan!"

--

As night fell, Steven got back into bed with a bowl of chili in his lap while Peridot inserted the tape into the VCR player.

"Uh, why are you eating at bedtime?" Peridot questioned Steven's choice of a bedtime meal.

"Oh, you mean my chili?" Steven replied, gesturing to the chili in his hands. "I read that eating spicy stuff before bed makes your dreams super vivid."

"I appreciate your initiative, fellow creator." Peridot grinned at Steven's idea while he continued eating his chili.

"Thanks, Peridot." Steven thanked Peridot before putting the bowl on his nightstand and tucking himself in. "Okay, good night."

"Good night Steven. But remember," Peridot said as she started whispering into Steven's ear. "action-orientated storytelling."

--

"Hey Jasmine, I hear you love birds." A tanned, muscular version of Steven said flirtatiously to a cute brown-haired girl examining a bird perched in her hand.

"Sure Stefan." Jasmine giggled cutely.

"Well, a little birdie told me downstream that there's a special island somewhere 'round here." Stefan replied, leaning against a tree and giving Jasmine a wink while pointing offscreen. "I hear it's full of rare specimens."

"Did you hear that?" Jasmine gasped elatedly. "Thank you so much Stefan!" Stefan responded by giving Jasmine another wink.

Meanwhile, Rodrigo was by himself at a campsite reading an instructional book on how to date when Stefan came racing to him.

"Rodrigo, I've got terrible news!" Stefan exclaimed, catching Rodrigo's attention. "Jasmine's in danger!"

"Wait, what?!" Rodrigo did a double-take in response.

"She's headed for that island full of dangerous birds!" Stefan revealed, propping one foot on a rock and dramatically pointing to the river nearby. "But if we go downstream, we can surely save her!"

"Okay Stefan, you're the best!" Rodrigo shouted. "Let's go save Jasmine!"

The pair raced for a pair of canoes docked close to the campsite and began rowing through the river to rescue Jasmine.

"Thanks for telling me Jasmine was in trouble Stefan, you're such a great guy." Rodrigo complimented Stefan.

"You're welcome Rodrigo." Stefan replied gratefully. "You're pretty great yourself, y'know, great enough for Jasmine to like you."

"You really mean it?" Rodrigo asked eagerly.

"I can tell by the way she looks at," Stefan began, but then he started getting sidetracked by Blue Diamond with the body of a dolphin, a gargantuan pineapple with Yellow Diamond's face on it, and a pair of White Diamond's feet right next to the fruit. "you? Huh?"

"Stefan, is something the matter?" Rodrigo asked Stefan, or rather Steven, who had now replaced Stefan in the dream.

"Oh no, not again!" Steven began panicking as he started to glow pink yet again, not knowing how things ended up like this.

--

As Steven woke up in his bed, he found Peridot standing at the side of his bed, looking very excited at how the experiment went.

"Oh my stars Steven, you did it!" Peridot cheered excitedly. "You just fell asleep and started turning pink, which started happening in the dream! Here, I'll show you!" She then ran over to the TV and began playing Steven's dream again. "Our script, our story, it's on the television and it's wonderful!" she kept on praising. "Not sure what you were going for with that bizarre imagery towards the end but I'll admit, seeing Yellow Diamond's face on a pineapple made me laugh."

Amid Peridot's eagerness, however, Steven then started to get drowsy again.

"Steven, are you okay?" Peridot asked with concern.

"Sorry Peri, just feeling a little off." Steven assured her. "Maybe eating that chili wasn't a great idea."

"Yeah yeah, don't believe everything you read online and all that." Peridot japed. "We got none of the money in the world, and all the time in our hands. Hey, I've got a great idea of my own! Picture this, a mysterious young woman with a teardrop tattoo on her face arrives at the camp because she wants to kidnap Stefan for her own dark designs. But before she can succeed, Pierre from the original Camp Pining Hearts comes in to save the day!"

"Uh, okay then." Steven replied awkwardly while trying to make himself comfortable. "But you're right, let's pull off a do-over. We can try as many times as we want until we get it right."

"Less talking, more sleeping." Peridot pushed a star-shaped pillow into Steven's chest and forced him onto his mattress before pulling his eyelids down.

--

Every time Steven went to sleep, he was back to canoeing with Rodrigo to rescue Jasmine. And every time, Rodrigo was replaced in his canoes by some very unexpected characters.

The first time this happened, Rodrigo was suddenly replaced by Dogcopter, of all things. As Dogcopter flew off using the propeller on his back, Stefan reached out to the flying canine before Steven awakened with bags under his eyes.

The second time, Rodrigo's place was taken by Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. The three Gems then flew away from Stefan just like Dogcopter did, and Stefan cried out for them before Steven woke up yet again, and the bags were starting to get darker.

The third time, Rodrigo didn't disappear. Instead, he started getting more unnerved as Spinel's massive Injector was present in the background, and Stefan was suddenly replaced with Steven as a baby.

Suddenly, a young woman with a teardrop tattoo on her face, just like what Peridot had described, snatched the baby Steven from the canoe with a maniacal laugh before Pierre, who now looked like he had green-lensed glasses and triangular hair, boldly stepped in and stood up to the woman.

Steven once again woke up, his baggy eyes now at their darkest, while Peridot just sighed in defeat.

--

The next morning, Steven sat down to some cereal and milk in the kitchen when Peridot suddenly appeared with a big stack of papers in front of her. "Uh, what's all this?"

"I've concluded that a script just wasn't working!" Peridot proudly announced. "So I've decided to take a more visual approach and made a whole series of storyboards for us to use! Besides, I've seen tons of cartoons use more storyboards than scripts, for better or for worse."

"You made all of these in one night?' Steven gasped in amazement at the triangular Gem's feat while looking through the storyboards.

"Duh, I'm good at everything!" Peridot bragged. "Now please study these in preparation for tonight."

"Hey, I got a question." Steven said while putting out one of the storyboards that featured the same tattooed woman from his dream. "Who's this girl, and why does Pierre look so much like you now?"

"Uh, that's Marine, Pierre's new arch-foe!" Peridot answered, awkwardly twiddling her fingers and looking in every conceivable direction. "She is totally not based on anyone we've met before."

"Are you sure?" Steven asked suspiciously while flicking through more storyboards featuring Marine. "Cause her haircut and location of her tattoo kinda reminds me of Aq-" Suddenly, he stopped to discover a new storyboard of Stefan having a romantic moment with Jasmine. "Wait, why is Stefan kissing Jasmine?"

"It's perfect!" Peridot yelled eagerly. "Right as Rodrigo is about to save Stefan from this reverse damsel in distress situation, he discovers that Jasmine got to him first, and they're already kissing too! Imagine, Jasmine defying gender clichés to save Stefan, unaware that they're stroking the fires of Rodrigo's jealousy!"

"I can't do Rodrigo this dirty!" Steven objected to the idea. "It's not only a betrayal of the friendship we gave him and Stefan, but it's also poor romantic drama too!"

"Whoa, take it easy Steven, they're just characters. No need to become so addicted to their love lives!" Peridot tried to excuse herself. "This is a story, and a good story needs conflict!"

"No, I still don't want to do this!" Steven declared angrily, startling Peridot before she came to an understanding.

"Look Steven, I can see you're pretty worn out from last night." Peridot said sadly as she began to get up and walk away. "Let's just scrap the whole project."

"What?" Steven replied in shock.

"There's really no point in continuing if it stresses you out that much." Peridot sighed as she grabbed the door handle. "Besides, I got classes to teach at Little Homeworld anyway."

But when Peridot was close to opening the front door and leaving the house, a flash of pink convinced Steven to change his mind. "No, wait!" he exclaimed, stopping the little Gem in her tracks. "I'll do the scene."

"Really?!" Peridot turned back with a cute smile and stars in her eyes.

"Anything to make you happy." Steven replied wearily. Though he was happy that Peridot was happy, he let out a heavy sigh as he was forced to put his friends before himself yet again.

--

"Oh no, that dastardly Marine has Stefan captured!" Rodrigo cried as he quickly rowed downstream to save his dear friend. "Jasmine said she's going to help him, but I haven't heard from her since!"

But just as Rodrigo finished his sentence, he finally found Stefan and Jasmine safe from harm, while Marine was left tied up beside them.

"You won't get away with this Stefan!" Marine yelled before she noticed Rodrigo, and had another fiendish idea in the works. "Hey Rodrigo, look! Your best friend's a cheater!"

"What?!" Rodrigo exclaimed, staring straight at Stefan and Jasmine kissing passionately. "Stefan, how could you?!"

"Rodrigo, this isn't what it looks like!" Stefan cried to Rodrigo in Steven's voice, but he wasn't there. And neither were Jasmine and Marine. And right before Stefan was a very angry-looking Connie. "Connie?"

Suddenly, Connie began to grow into the size of a giant and then turned into Obsidian. Stefan meanwhile was turned back into Steven as the Connie-Obsidian hybrid raised a foot and lowered it to crush him.

--

Steven then woke up in his old room wearing his old pajamas. Just like in the real world, Peridot remained by his side watching the television, but she was eerily silent, a far cry from her usual smug and loud yet cheerful nature.

"Peridot, my dreams are going nuts!" Steven informed Peridot while getting out of bed and walking over to her. "First everyone disappeared, then Jasmine turned into Connie, and she tried to squish me which is how I ended up here!" However, Peridot said nothing and continued facing the television. "Peridot?" Steven asked as he grabbed the green Gem's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

When Steven turned Peridot to face him, her visor and gem were now filled with SMPTE color bars and her expression showed no emotion at all. Steven's old bedroom abruptly vanished, and his PJs turned into his normal clothes as he noticed Peridot emotionlessly marching towards the beach house from the dream he woke up from the previous day. "Peridot!"

"Oh, poor little Steven." A familiar bratty voice called to Steven as he chased after Peridot. From the clouds came Aquamarine, still as haughty as ever and now in possession of her wand once more. "Don't you see? It's all her fault that I kidnapped you, that you had to learn all those horrible things about your mother! And yet not once did her blatant betrayal ever come up again."

"You don't know Peridot like I do, you little twerp!" Steven yelled at Aquamarine as he gained on Peridot, who was about to open the front door. "She's changed ever since we first met. She once tried to kill me like every other Gem who's ever antagonized me, but now she's become so sweet and funny!"

"Oh please, just because you like her now doesn't mean you should completely forget about all the ways she's harmed you." Aquamarine taunted before she restrained Steven with a tractor beam, but his iron will allowed him to resist as he tried to stop Peridot.

"Please Peri, don't go in there!" Steven strained from resisting the tractor beam and reached out to Peridot. "I still really want to hang out with you!" Just then, the floor disappeared beneath Steven and Peridot just like in the earlier dream. Peridot seemingly floated in midair while Steven leaped to the edge of the porch and continued reaching out to her, as the front of the house turned into color bars as well. "We always had something to fix together! The Cluster, the Diamonds, Spinel, but I don't know how I can be anyone's friend without something to fix!"

"Why can't you just surrender already?!" Aquamarine yelled as she tried to reel Steven in like a fish. "Your suffering is all because of her, and she's felt so worthless because of you!" Unfortunately for her, the tractor beam broke and the small, flying Gem was catapulted away from the pair. "We'll meet again brat!"

"I-I just can't do it anymore!" Steven cried to Peridot, unaware of the dream version of Aquamarine's failure to catch him. "I'm just so tired, and now I'm even trying to fix something in my dreams!" He soon started to cry as he got closer to Peridot. "I'm sorry I can't do this for you! Just please don't leave me!"

Peridot remained stoic as Steven kept on grasping for her. "Don't…leave."

The dream ended just like a VHS tape being removed from a VCR before a muffled voice began calling for Steven.

--

"Steven? Steven!"

Steven was suddenly shook awake with tears in his eyes, and he discovered Peridot leaning over him crying just as much.

"I saw everything Steven, and yes, it is true!" Peridot admitted sorrowfully. "A good reason why I was using your dreams is because I never got over how you were kidnapped because of me! I was so worried the other Gems would declare me a traitor, but they never bothered to bring it up. You know what, we don't have to do this anymore!" Steven then gave her a tight hug. "I don't care about the show anymore, or Rodrigo especially! I just want what's best for you! I'm such a clod!"

"It's okay Dottie, it's okay." Steven comforted his green pal. "I kind of knew something was up when you first mentioned Marine and Pierre, but I didn't know you've bottling this up for so long."

"I know, it's so unhealthy of me." Peridot wept. "I just needed something to vent with, so that's why I wanted to spend time with you. It's okay if you don't want an excuse to hang out anymore."

"But I do want to keep hanging out." Steven assured Peridot. "With or without all this trauma. We're friends, right?"

"I guess you're right." Peridot smiled sadly.

"You still want to watch CPH together," Steven offered. "even if it's terrible?"

In response, Peridot took off her visor and began wiping some tears, shedding the mask she had kept up for her entire stay. "Of course."

--

"How could you lie to me like this Rodrigo?!" Jasmine yelled crossly at her love interest while Steven and Peridot laughed as it all went down. "I bet you just can't help being an awful person!"

"You just buried a dead body Jasmine, and you're getting mad at Rodrigo for cheating at cards?!" Peridot cackled, pounding her fist on the floor. "Some protagonist you turned out to be! Oh my stars, this show is the worst!"

"This show is the best." Steven smiled contently before the pair leaned up against each other with smiles on their faces.

--

Like I said, wasted opportunity for more Peridot development. And yes my friends, that United Defenders of the World show was a total middle finger to dark & edgy teen drama reboots of family-friendly properties with fans of all ages. It happened to Archie, it happened to Winx Club and it's even gonna happen to the Powerpuff Girls soon. But I'm getting off topic, this was a pretty fun chapter to write since I love Peridot so much and she has an incredible dynamic with Steven. Speaking of green Gems, next chapter goes into original territory once again as we finally shine a light on a corrupted Gem that's seemingly been erased from existence come Future. That's right Nephrite, come on down!

[tirorah]

’Minna’s Sky’ is Road to Berlin’s Crowning Achievement

A long time ago, in a universe far, far away, three young girls met each other during a war: Minna, the caring leader; Gertrud, the stalwart defender; and Erica, the lazy prodigy who kept them smiling.

As the fighting continued, a friendship began to form. And now, years later, that friendship lies at the heart of something truly exceptional.

Minna’s Sky is the culmination of twelve-and-a-half years of relationship development, and it gives this special trio the sendoff it deserves. I was overcome with conflicting emotions while I watched this episode; when it finished, I was left shaken and almost lost for words.

…Which is why I wrote an essay on it! And that entire essay is contained under the cut, so you’d best buckle up and hold onto something, because today we’re diving into what I believe to be the pièce de résistance of Strike Witches.

In a previous post speculating on what Minna’s Sky could hold—which, by the way, was thoroughly proven wrong—I took a moment to outline my love for Minna and my frustration with her neglect. Initially, this trend continued in Road to Berlin: in episodes 6 and 8, the characters were faced with circumstances that would’ve been greatly helped by a Witch with Space Understanding magic. Of course, I understand why the writers chose to exclude Minna from these events; having Minna there would’ve negated the drama of Trude thinking Erica was dead, and of Sanya and Eila clashing over conflicting sensory reports.

But Minna’s episode hit back hard. If RtB is Strike Witches’ magnum opus, then Minna’s Sky may well be RtB’s masterpiece among masterpieces. It combines the intensity and raw emotion of Hounds of Vengeance with a ticking time bomb that ratchets up the tension all the way through, finishing with a series of events that makes you feel like anything can happen.

Role Reversal

Minna’s Sky starts with a surprise right away. In episode 8, Minna and Trude expressed anxiety over losing their magic. At this point they’re just under three months removed from their 20th birthdays, where decay will certainly start to set in. But in this episode, we learn Minna’s already feelings the effects. At first this confused me, as their birthdays are only nine days apart, but I do recall seeing something about how Trude’s magical reserves are pretty large, second only to Yoshika’s. I can’t find my source for that, but this could be an explanation for Minna’s earlier decline.

Trude notices Minna’s flagging strength, and at that point, a switching of roles takes place.

Minna, who once held Mio at gunpoint for refusing to give up on flight, is now doing the same thing. She’s still herself, but she essentially slips into Mio’s previous role. She takes this burden upon herself and stops communicating with the others over it, even avoiding them during mealtime.

Last episode, we could see her mask starting to slip, and here, all her logic and serenity fades, replaced with a wholly emotional desire. She and her girls have worked so hard to get here, and she wants to uphold her vow of retaking Berlin, so she makes the decision to give this fight everything she has, despite the danger involved.

This puts her at odds with Trude, who slides into the calm and perceptive role Minna used to fill.

You know, Trude may be my favorite character of all time, but she hasn’t always been handled well. In Season 1, she was a great balance of the calm and quiet supporter, and the stern disciplinarian who thought yelling at Erica would make her get up earlier. In Season 2, this equilibrium was lost; it leaned much more into her anger, and there were precious few moments of Trude being the gentle and tender woman I know she can be. The movie had the same problem, as it had to reintroduce eleven characters in one sitting. Operation Victory Arrow worked hard to remedy this problem, focusing on smaller casts which gave them time to show different sides of themselves—like Minna and Trude having breakfast like a married couple. Ahem.

This is one reason why RtB has been so gratifying for me. It knows what it’s doing with Trude and while she’s certainly had some angry moments, RtB has built her up as a more mature, level-headed executive officer. Consequently, it feels natural for her to take up the position Minna would usually hold in this type of situation.

Even when she privately confronts Minna over her magic, there is no anger, only attempts to reason her friend out of her decision. But Minna doesn’t want Kiel to be lost, and at that moment, it’s made clear that she prioritizes Operation Southwind over her own well-being.

And this is entirely contradictory with what she usually tells her girls! Like I said before, the 501st is a circle of love, and while that love motivates them to fight for one another’s sakes, as Sanya did, it now leads Minna down a path of self-sacrifice that would’ve absolutely killed her if it was one of her girls doing it. Moreover, with Trude now filling Minna’s role, she’s the one pleading with Minna not to go, and like Minna once failed to stop Mio, Trude now fails to stop Minna.

This causes inner turmoil. Trude doesn’t want to lose Kiel, but if Minna perishes, she’d never forgive herself. Like she said in Hounds of Vengeance, when she thought Erica was dead, retaking Berlin would have no point if Minna wasn’t there to celebrate it with them.

It says something, then, that Trude chooses to go along with Minna’s wishes, and even keeps her waning magic a secret from the others. Instead of declaring Minna unfit for battle—which I imagine she has every right to do—she instead becomes Minna’s most ardent protector, immediately volunteering for the high-risk operation. When Minna becomes anxious and nearly makes a mistake, Trude is there to rein her in and calm her down. Minna even comments on how this would usually be the other way around.

Fortunately, Minna is better at this self-sacrificing stuff than Mio is. While she initially uses her desire to protect Kiel to justify her actions, a heartfelt campfire scene shows us that she’s aware of the ramifications her death would have. As Erica complains about their fake coffee, Minna promises to make her a proper batch when they return; Trude tells her not to make such promises, but Minna reassures her she’ll come back safe, and even proposes they go to a café together once Berlin is retaken. On the surface, they’re making plans for the future; but underneath, it’s an implied message to Trude: I understand. I’m not going out to die. I’ll come back.

Isn’t that first pic just the cutest Trude shot ever, by the way?

And Trude is pacified. She places her trust in Minna and continues to support her as best she can.

Of course, things are never that simple. Minna succeeds at her objective, and just when the episode seems to be steering to a happy conclusion, the Hive screeches and loads up all its rockets at the same time. As Trude once again begs her to stop, she does the unthinkable: she cuts the line and dives into a suicide run, breaking one promise to keep another.

The facial expressions and body language have been god-tier in RtB.

I must commend Tanaka Rie here. I’ve often complimented Sonozaki Mie (who voices Trude) for her impeccable delivery, but Tanaka Rie is equally excellent, possibly better in some departments (like range, just hear her role in Mai Otome for example). Here, as Negai no Tomoshibi starts playing in the background, the gravity of the scene rests entirely on Tanaka’s voice work. And boy, does she nail it! The exhaustion, the desperation, the sheer will, it’s all there. Her desperate pants and cries at the end are especially powerful, and they make this scene even more dramatic when she faints right after.

Trude manages to catch her—and only Trude was there, because 1: we only saw Trude catching her; 2: the hand we see is Minna’s left, and in the next shot, Trude is carrying her right arm instead; and 3: we only saw one blue dot in the Hive, and the episode previously established one dot was one Witch.

Ahem! Trude catches her and brings her back, and she…breaks down.

Wow. Trude doesn’t cry easily, you know. We’ve seen her depressed, despondent, even heard her sob as she told Yoshika to leave her behind, but until Hounds of Vengeance, we’d never seen Trude cry. While that one ended in a victorious moment, here the emotion is allowed to run its course, and it’s heartbreaking. Trude doesn’t just cry, she weeps, and as she yells and screams at Minna that she could never follow an order that would involve leaving Minna behind, her facial expressions convey just how terrified she truly was.

I said earlier that Minna switched to Mio’s role, and while that’s true, there’s something even more poetic at work here: this episode mirrors Season 1’s Episode 4 in some places, to the point that I feel like it has to be on purpose. That’s one reason why I made this photoset. Just look at this:

Oh look, more apologizing! These two are so emotionally responsible to one another. It’s always good to see.

The roles are shown as reversed, with Trude crying and reprimanding Minna, and Minna apologizing for her actions and agreeing on a better path forward.

Sexy Gal

I also need to devote some space to Erica here. She wasn’t as prominent—Minna and Trude’s bond took center stage—but this episode is probably the best showcase of Erica’s qualities. We already saw her surviving in the woods and rationing her chocolate three episodes prior, but here, it’s clear more than ever what her role is in the Karlsland Trio’s support structure: the morale boost.

In the “Erica Hartmann 1941” manga, we’re shown how Erica becomes a ray of hope for everyone, and especially Minna and Trude, whom she begins to develop a friendship with at that time. It’s this aspect which is finally on full display here: while she’s not as overt with her support as Trude is, she helps in her own way, and her easy-going personality consistently puts a smile on her friends’ faces. That’s why it’s so important that it’s Erica who makes Minna laugh—not once, but twice. In a group where the other two members have their fair share of baggage, Erica is a breath of fresh air and equally important.

Rising Tension

Okay, with the character work out of the way, let’s look at the episode’s story. Because holy crap, I felt like I was watching a movie! At first, I was a little annoyed by some of the stiff animation (especially for RtB’s standards). I was afraid they were going to half-ass Minna’s episode. But as the episode proceeded and absolutely everything got better and better, I realized I was in for a very special ride.

I’ve always had the opinion that Strike Witches is at its best when it plays its war drama straight, but it’s not as simple as striking the serious tone and having the characters fight for their lives. Strike Witches isn’t a pure action show; the stakes in battle often revolve around the characters overcoming their flaws, struggling to protect the world and those they hold dear. Thus, Strike Witches relies on its lighter moments to develop the cast so that when danger comes to them, your emotional investment in the characters helps to create additional tension.

In general, RtB has been great at this, but for me personally, the most emotionally intense episode prior to Minna’s Sky was Episode 6: Hounds of Vengeance.

But that one was different. It started off with relatively low tension, then brought it up to full when Erica was left behind and Trude had a meltdown over it. But when it’s revealed that Trude isn’t just moping around, and that she’s working on a plan, the tension evens out. The central question goes from ‘Will Erica survive?’ to ‘How awesome will Trude be in this episode?’ The climactic action is triumphant, and although Trude’s reaction to Erica’s ‘body’ is heartbreakingly real, we as viewers know that Erica is fine; in fact, she hasn’t seemed that down at all, obviously having faith in her rescue.

Episode 9 doesn’t do that. It immediately confronts you with Minna’s magic issue and her hiding it from her friends, then pretends to be innocent for a while, with Patton being an idiot and Ursula introducing her helmet gun. (“It’s a helmet, with a gun on it.” NO, REALLY?) But as soon as the Komet is introduced, the pressure builds and it never lets up.

It all comes to a head when the trio (plus Ursula) reaches the launch point. Minna’s been dropping death flags all episode, and now things go haywire over and over. An hour left? Nope, the Neuroi spotted you and moved up the rocket’s launch. Barely enough time to intercept the rocket? Hey, there’s that Neuroi that beat the two top aces of the world in single combat, and it’s coming to stop you. Thirty seconds to go for the fuel? The Neuroi gets past Trude and Erica and nearly destroys the Komet, hurts Ursula and blows up one of their trucks. Trude and Erica get it away from there? Oh look, the Hive’s about to launch!

We then get an epic scene where Minna takes off, uses her magic, and destroys the rocket. Speaking of which, I didn’t say anything about this when I talked about episode 8, but I’m so happy we finally get to see some of the Witches’ magic from their point of view! Seeing Eila’s future sight was haunting, and Minna’s is awesome to see as well. Erica and Trude manage to finish off their quarry, showing their skill and adaptability; it seems their prior experience means they’re better prepared to deal with its unique movements this time around.

Erica asks for chocolate and grumbles when Trude tells her she’ll get some later. Minna laughs, but there’s still that tension because Minna’s fuel is almost up, and she’s hanging around that damn Hive.

And then the Hive loads up all its rockets at once, and all hell breaks loose. Trude loses control of the situation as Minna goes on a suicide run, and then the insert song starts playing. It’s difficult to explain the impact of that song without simply showing you the episode. The moment that piano hits, it feels as though a veneer of tragedy descends upon the scene. The Komet nearly stops working, and Minna is on her last legs, and she’s reduced to nothing but cries and gasps. She faints moments after she destroys the last rocket.

And then the music gets louder as Minna plummets into the Hive, red slowly filling the screen. We’re treated to a long shot of Minna falling into the swirling, angry clouds, her tiny form fading into its mass. And at that point I freaked the fuck out.

It was somewhere around Season 2’s finale and watching the movie that I realized Strike Witches doesn’t kill off characters. Let’s just say killing a beloved character probably wouldn’t work too well for future sales. (“Hey, look at this awesome figure of the girl who died! Don’t you just love her? We’ll accept your tears as interest.”) If Mio of all people can have plot armor rivaling the size of the planet, then Minna sure as hell won’t perish here.

And yet, for a fleeting moment, I was absolutely terrified she would. All because of the masterful tension of this episode, and this entire fight scene in particular.

Fortunately, Trude manages to locate Minna in the clouds and brings her back, and the viewer can finally breathe easier as we head to the happy ending they deserve.

…Oh right, the ending.

Yuri alert

Let me start off by saying this ending is complete bullshit. It feels shoehorned in—no, I don’t care what historical event it’s referencing—and it doesn’t fit the tone of the episode at all.

Having said that, as much as this made me laugh (even more than Trude’s literal asspull in Hounds of Vengeance) it did get one thing completely right: yes, Ursula, it IS very beautiful. The love between these three is great. What kind of love that exactly is, I’m not entirely sure anymore.

Yes, you’re going to roll your eyes at this—oh no, she’s going to rant about Minna x Trude again—but…I was watching this ending, right, and I could almost hear the gears in my brain turn as I tried to process this image. Emotionally, I felt like this ending was communicating love of a different sort.

Look, for all I know they’re just best buds who’ve come to deeply rely on one another for emotional and psychological stability, but my god, this ending definitely felt like a ‘oh by the way, the three of them are married to each other’ signal to me. I’m not joking!

Does that make Minna x Trude canon, even as part of an OT3? No. In fact, for all the delightful Minna x Trude subtext this episode had…

Deflection by way of flirtation. Oh là là~!

…Trude did all but confess to Erica in episode 6, and later this week, Mio might finally return in a big way and might have screen time with Minna. But my point is, in that moment, my ship felt realer than ever. In that respect, this episode gave me more than I ever thought I’d receive.

Insert clever ending header here

Right, so that’s my ramble on Minna’s Sky. I hope I’ve managed to get across why I believe it’s the best episode of the entire series. The character writing was top-notch, the tension was through the roof, the music was evocative and the animation was beautiful. Barring an absolutely spectacular final three episodes (and I wouldn’t put it past RtB to deliver that), I think this is as good as it gets. It’s not easy to beat emotional stakes that were established twelve years ago, after all.

Minna’s Sky was absolutely the episode Minna deserved, and I was very happy to see the Karlsland Trio getting its spot in the limelight as we gradually draw closer to the ending. It’s their home they’re trying to take back, after all. And while I have no doubt Minna will continue to fly until the end of the season (she seems to be fine in the preview), Operation Southwind will most likely be the bookend to Minna and Trude’s careers.

I can only hope this won’t be the last we see of Minna and Trude. I’d love it if we got to see their lives after Karlsland’s liberation, either as supporting members of the Wing or trying to live normal lives after fighting a war for nearly a decade. (Shameless plug: I have a Minna x Trude fanfic which explores the latter.)

But most of all, I don’t want Road to Berlin to end.

[bippityboppitybibuck]

Scarred Bark, Broken Heart

15x18 coda/alternate ending of sorts || WC 2580, also read on AO3 here

MCD, depressed Dean, (Tree!Cas ???), brief mention of suicidal tendencies, open but hopeful ending, part one of a two part series, Canon divergence

Dean doesn't know what made him decide on the tree. They didn’t have a body to burn, not this time. They didn’t have a six-foot hole to dig and he felt odd putting a marker over unmarred earth. So when he stumbled upon a tree in the woods surrounding the bunker, one with a beehive tucked nine feet up he didn’t even realize he had popped out his pocket knife and started carving until the first three letters were written in the wet bark.

His throat burned as he worked. The same knife sliced skin wide so that protection could be painted onto a door that was never going to hold. Cas was always ready to bleed for him, always ready to do whatever he needed to keep him safe.

Tears threatened to ruin his work by blocking his field of view but each time he tilted his head to the sky and tried to breathe through it.

The squared-off letters seem to mock him once he finishes, if Cas’d been here the letters would have been beautiful, a burst of power and it could have been script etched into the wood. Instead, it's his blocky ugly writing.

Something hideous rears its head in his chest, and staring at the letters, staring at the name. He always deserved more than Dean could give him, than this world could give him. He deserves more than a scar in some bark in a forest hardly anyone treks into. He deserves more than to die without knowing—to die thinking he wasn’t loved.

Dean doesn't look to the sky as his eyes fill again. Sam always said he needed to let himself feel. That ignoring your trauma isn't the same as dealing with it. But he worries that if he gives into it fully he’ll never resurface. Drowned in his own mind with the pain and regret, the fear and the sadness that washes in like the tide when his guard drops.

So he doesn’t let himself sink, he treads as best he can, hearing Bobby’s gruff voice in his head just like when he was a kid, ‘keep your ears above water son, that’s the only way to make sure you stay alive out there’, it’s like Bobby knew exactly why he needed that information. Like he knew it wasn't about swimming.

He’s not sure how long he spends looking at the carving, or when the wind picks up and shakes shivers through his body. He’s not sure when the tears dry and the wracking sobs take over.

Cas looked at peace when it came for him, and it ruins him to know that. To know that loving him brought him to the one moment of true happiness. Loving a worthless, broken, fucked up killer—no. No, Cas said he wasn’t a killer, he wasn’t a monster or a tool to be used and thrown aside, and yet he killed another hadn’t he? Killed him by doing nothing at all because that's what happens, that’s his legacy, people get close to him and they get killed. They always get killed.

Dean’s not sure when he heads inside again, or how he finds himself at the tree almost every day, week in and week out.

For the longest time he can do nothing but look, words that fight to break free, stay trapped behind the years of burying what he always felt, stay tapped behind the last dam he has standing in his soul the soul Cas saved—a good lot that did. He knows the dam won’t hold forever and all he can do is imagine the damage when it does finally break.

He doesn't always go alone either. Sam takes trips to the tree by himself sometimes but mostly he goes when Dean does. Jack trails after him every once in a while too but they usually let him go alone.

The first snow of the season begins to fall as he stands at the tree, the beehive long since gone dormant, its occupants burrowing in for their months-long sleep. And God how Dean envies their ability to escape reality for longer than it takes to sleep off a hangover.

It’s early for the first snow, weeks too soon but the world has been colder since—well since.

It’s been a while since he last talked while he visited, the dam broke finally or rather the levels grew too high on one side and it began to leak. Still, back then he hadn’t said much of anything.

He tries to talk now, he tries to do the same as what he did at his father's grave all those years ago trapped in a djinn dream, trapped in a world that seemed so perfect until he peeled back its layers. Kinda just like the one he actually lived in.

“Ca-s,” his voice breaks before he manages to speak the single syllable. No one is around to notice though, no matter how much he wishes he was speaking to a person instead of an unfeeling unrelenting piece of wood. Still though, it's easier to talk when no one is there to hear it, he doesn't have to hold as much back.

“Cas, I-,” Dean lets out a rough hum as he collects himself. This speech is going to be different. He can feel it, the emotions within him seem to grow choppy, spilling over the dam wall more and more and he just knows that whatever happens, he won’t be returning to the bunker whole.

“I keep thinking, y’know, back to that night you walked into that barn in Illinois, you told me that good things do happen, and I mean it’s not like I expected you to, but you didn’t believe me when I told you that nothing good happens to me. I don’t know if in the time from then to no—I don’t know if you ever figured out that I was right or not but I think that the one good thing that happened to me was the worst thing to happen to me too.” Dean stares at his name, willing it to actually be him. The cold bites at his fingers and his nose. His toes grow cold in his boots but he doesn’t move to leave he barely even feels it anyways.

“When Chuck told us that you were the one who never listened,” he chokes out a broken laugh, “it honestly made perfect sense, you did always say that it was our story, that we were the thing that was real in a world of manufactured realities. And when he said it I swear it was like I was standing in that ratty kitchen, minutes before Lucifer rose, minutes before you di—died for the first time. And I thought as Chuck went on and on how maybe I wasn’t dreaming it up, maybe it wasn't Chuck’s doing, and I was going to try to talk to you about it, after a shit ton of booze mind you.” He’s quiet for a long time, the snow begins to blanket the space around him and he thinks about how he’ll never get to brush snow off of the lapel of Cas’ stupid trench coat.

Just the thought starts a domino effect, his mind rushing through everything he wanted and everything he’ll never get now and it’s so overwhelming it sends him to his knees. Of course, because he clearly will never be able to catch a break all it does is remind him of the last time they were in purgatory together, the fear and heartbreak that shook him to his core, the devastation of Cas brushing off what he wanted to say because fuck it was so much more than his prayer.

“You beat me to it though, and then—well we both know what happened next.” His fingers are ice when they wipe the tears from his eyes. They jolt him, a shock to his system.

“You never gave me a chance to respond, didn’t even give me a damn moment to process any of it. And you’re a selfish son of a bitch for that because that wasn’t fair, that wasn’t—. I needed you to stay, I needed you to hear it too. I won’t ever be able to stay mad at you because I never have been, not for any of the shit you pulled in the past. But that? That was a new low.” He sniffles from the cold or from his tears he doesn't know but he does it all the same.

“Y’know if you were here right now you’d tell me to go inside because humans catch colds so easily and you don’t know how fucking much I need to hear that now Cas.” His heart plummets in his chest again. He feels sick all over again so he clenches his jaw to keep from heading too far down that road.

“I remember the first time you got sick, god you were a nightmare the entire time and I dealt with Sam getting sick every year since I was old enough to open kids cold medicine,” Dean laughs thickly, tears lodged in his throat. The strain of holding it all back shreds at the muscle and it screams with every breath he manages to shake into his lungs.

“I remember everything Cas, all of it, every fight, every drink, every goddamn time we looked at each other. And yet I can’t recall a fucking thing because I thought I had more time. After everything we’d gone through, I still thought we would have more time. It's all broken and jumbled and set to static and I can’t handle it because it's crystal clear and as muddy as anything because I thought I’d be able to make more, replace what got muddled. I thought you had more time.”

He shuffles around and presses his back against the trunk of the tree. His ass is uncomfortable as hell what with the roots and the wet cold earth below him but his knees appreciate the switch.

“I’m having a hard time this time because a part of me thinks just like it did after the whole leviathan fiasco. I swear you’re going to come back, that this is all a mix-up, that if I wait just a little longer, hold on a little longer, put my gun down just one more night that you’ll be back. But it’s been weeks Cas and nothing’s changed. I wake up and I go to sleep in a world that doesn’t have you in it and I was always okay before because you were just there even if I didn’t have you like I wanted I still got to see you, watch you, lo—be with you. But now it’s all empty, and no matter how ironically appropriate that is given the dumbass move you made a year and a half ago, I’m hanging on by a thread man. And Sam doesn't know how to help, even with all his dead girlfriends as experience to draw from.” He’s quiet for a long time, chewing on his lip, flexing his fingers together as he just sits.

“He says I need to stop making jokes to cover it all up but that's all I know how to do. I mean you can’t mourn your mom if you have a baby brother to take care of so you joke. You can’t talk about what the internet says is PTSD because there are monsters to hunt and people to save so you joke. You can’t let yourself be vulnerable because that means death so you joke. You can't tell your best friend what you need to so you joke. You hide behind something safe because no one wants you to show what's really there.” Dean's mind is a mess right now, jumping from one point to another, skipping ahead and falling behind. He has so much he wants to say and it’s like he’s trying to say it all at once.

He can almost hear Cas’ voice admonishing him for thinking that he didn't have a support system, that he didn't have people who loved him and wanted him to be okay and it strips him raw. Because it’s only been a few months, how could he already be forgetting his voice, or which way he tilted his head when he didn’t understand some random human action, which foot he started with when he stood up from a chair, if he liked smooth or crunchy peanut butter better even if it was all molecules to him, what his arms felt like wrapped around him, how he sighed when Dean was being an idiot, what his smiles looked like as he sat at their kitchen table talking with Jack.

How was he already forgetting all of the little things that made him fall for the fallen angel, heaven's most loved, heaven's most corrupted.

His chest is cracked so wide every part of him falls inside, his very soul falls into the pit, tumbles down and down and down because there are a million things that he and Cas will never get to do but there are a billion things Cas will never do again.

Sure Cas’ll never learn to dance but he’ll never smile again. He’ll never have the chance to memorize the words to the songs Dean showed him but he’ll never feel the sun on his skin again. Or laugh or cry or sleep in late. He’s never going to make another milk run, be it a monster hunt or an actual milk run. He’ll never watch another bee documentary or hug his son again.

Cas lived hundreds of millions of years and yet there was so much he left unfinished, he’s been around for eons and yet he still died too soon.

It takes him a moment to remember that even if Cas had been around since the Cambrian explosion in reality he’d only experienced humanity for eleven years. And all of it was spent fighting, shouldn't he get a fucking chance to just live for a fucking second. Let himself relax, shake the weight off his shoulders, just be finally?

Dean turns and looks from his position at Cas' name, the angle is atrocious so he can barely see the etchings.

There are a billion things he’ll never do again, a million things he’ll never get to experience. And for someone who's given all that Cas has given to this world, that just won’t do.

“You told me love drove me, you said that I fought for everything because of love, that I taught you how to and fuck Cas I don’t know how that's possible. But I’ve fought for nearly forty years because of love and there's no way in hell I am stopping that now. I’m going to fight for you, I’ll fight Chuck for you, I’ll fight against the anger that still lives inside me and dammit I’ll fight to get you back because no fucking way am I losing you forever after that speech. If love drives me Cas then you, you…” Dean takes a deep breath. “Happiness is in just saying it, but I can’t tell a piece of wood, so I’ll wait until you are back, because I will get you back. I don’t care what it takes. You need to hear it, you deserve to hear it. You deserve to know.”

I’m working on a rewritten ending for Supernatural that is set after this little alt ending to 15x18 because the actual ending... left a lot to be desired. Turns out spite was in fact enough to get me writing again! So that’s good right??

[velveteencurtains]

evermore first impressions!

willow - GIRL EUEJDNSKJDJEJD LOST IN YOUR CURRENT LIKE A PRICELESS WIINE!!!!! TAKE MY HAND!!! WRECK MY PLANS!!! THATS MY MAN!!!!!! girl this is so fcuking GOOD! gonna be 100% honest the 1 is a better album opening but this is so fucking good you guys. life was a willow and it bent right to your wind!!! ID COME BACK STRONGER THAN A 90’S TREND???? EVERY BAIT AND SWITCH WAS A WORK OF ART??? SHES SICK SHES REALLY SICK I SWEAR. the way she sings “that’s my man!” yes ma’am yes ma’am!!!!!! the parallel between “I knew you stepping on the last train” and then “you know my train could take you home” SHES SICK YOUR HONOR SHES SICK

champagne problems - okay we love a piano opener. i’m so conflicted on what i think this song is gonna be about. MORE TRAIN LYRICS GIRLIE. this really is this is me trying’s older, sadder sister. “our group of friends/don’t think we’ll say that word again” MA’AM??? SHE WOULD HAVE MADE SUCH A LOVELY BRIDE SUCH A SHAME SHES FUCKED IN THE HEAD??????? IM LOSIJG MY FUCKIJG MIND. taylor and joe wrote this together? we love a couple with shared mental illnesses

gold rush - jack antonoff do not let me down. GIRL THE HARMONIES AT THE VERY BEGINNING JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE. okay I can definitely see what they meant by this song being about being lost in a daydream, the juxtaposition between the chorus and the verses is AMAZING. this is just gorgeous’s older sister huh???? “ocean blue eyes/looking in mine/i feel like i might sink and drown and die” and “eyes like sinking/ships on waters/so inviting/i almost jump in”

‘tis the damn season - i can’t tell if i want this song to be christmassy or not. OH SO THIS IS JUST HOLIDATE. TAYLOR JUST WATCHED HOLIDATE AND WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. this is a continuation of tim mcgraw, argue with the wall. NO BC TIM MCGRAW IS ABOUT LIKE A LOVE FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND THIS IS LIKE COMING HOME FROM COLLEGE AND REUNITING WITH THEM BC YOURE BOTH DEPRESSED AND LONELY

tolerate it - jesus christ i’m not emotionally ready for this. STOP THIS IS THE PRELUDE TO BETTER MAN. LIKE BETTER MAN IS AFTER SHES ALREADY LEFT BUT THIS IS BEFORE WHEN SHES STUCK AND KNOW SHE DESERVES BETTER BUT SHE JUST TAKES IT IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYY. okay but i’m imagining the babe music video and that whole of like the doting housewife who gave up everything for her husband and does everything to make him happy but he just does not appreciate it at all and he doesn’t see how much his indifference hurts her. @taylorswift mv now. honestly? loved that but as a track 5 it’s pretty weak

no body, no crime - I PREDICTED THIS WAS GONNA BE MY TOP SONG ON THE ALBUM LETS SEE IF I’M RIGHT. GIRL THE SIRENS AND “HE DID IT” AS THE FIRST LINES?? THEN THE COUNTRY INSTRUMENTAL??? TAYLOR HAS FINALLY GIVEN ME A GOOD OLD FASHIONED “MURDERED MY CHEATING HUSBAND” COUNTRY SONG HELL YESSSSSSS. OH THE WIFE IS MISSING???? NOT GONE GIRLLLLLLLLL MISS TAYLOR CHANNELING AMY DUNNE HERE!!!!! OH SHUT UPPPPPP SHES A LESBIAN WITH ESTE’S SISTER AND THEY COVERED UP HIS MURDER AND NOW THEYRE GONNA LESBIAN TOGETHER MISS TAYLOR

happiness - okay miss happiness you’ve got a lot to live up to but let’s do this. NOT THE MIRRORBALL PARALLEL “i was dancing when the music stopped” and “when no one is around, my dear/you’ll find me on my tallest top toes/spinning in my highest heels, love” NOT THE IDEA OF CHANGING YOURSELF JUST TO KEEP SOMEONE BY YOUR SIDE IM GONNA SOB taylor please stop this i cant emotionally handle any of this. girl this is the prelude to tolerate it which is the prelude to better man

dorothea - okay so seven’s older sister? so dorothea and whoever this singer is were besties when they were teens and then dorothea moved away and now the singer misses her former best friend and also first love and also they’re lesbians yeah it’s gay it’s so gay. taylor i’m literally begging you from the bottom of my fucking soul please give us a music video with two girls please miss swift i ask of you this one (1) thing

coney island - see i thought this was gonna be seven’s older sister when the tracklist was announced so now idk what to expect! JESUS OKAY I KNOW IT SAYS “feat. The National” IN THE TITLE BUT I FORGOT AND I GOT SCARED BY HIS VOICE. NOT A FUCKIJG CAR ACCIDENT TAYLOR IM REALLY SORRY I RRALIZE YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON AND I NEED TO STOP CONNECTING YOU TO HARRY BUT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. okay anyway here’s my theory hear me out: This is dorothea’s husband who’s confused why his high school sweetheart wife doesn’t love him anymore and why she’s now hanging out with her old high school best friend again damn that’s weird they’re like really super close that’s super odd. anyway that’s just a theory I actually don’t really know what this songs about! miss swift is too smart for me

ivy - stop this song is so sweet!!!!!! i feel like this is getaway car’s sister! i need to stop doing that i know it gets annoying but really honestly it is! NO NO NO THIS IS DOROTHEA’S PERSPECTIVE WHEN SHE HAS AN AFFAIR WITH HER HS BESTIE AND HER HUSBAND STARTS TO FIND OUT GUYS IVE FIGURED IT OUTTTTTTT. WAIT WAIT WAIT THE HS BESTIE IS FROM NO BODY NO CRIME AND DOROTHEA IS ESTE’S SISTER GUYS IVE FIGURED IT THE FUCK OUT YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOT IT

cowboy like me - let’s yee and let’s haw ladies and gents. WHOS SINGING????? WHOS SINGING WITH HER???? taylor shut up for a second lemme hear who tf this is. AM I CRAZY OR IS THIS JOE???? i’m probably dumb. but am i? why can i not at all remember what joe’s voice sounds like rn. is that joe??? im so confused. maybe i’m super dumb and it’s really obvious and i’m just fucking stupid. it’s probably not joe it’s probably some country legend that everyone else knows bc they grew up yeeing and hawing and i’m but a wee city slicker but i’m gonna hold onto this stupid theory that it’s joe singing with her until someone proves me wrong later. also this song is fucking gorgeous where’s my cowboy hat not wearing one while listening to this song makes me feel sacrelige. okay wait tay and aaron wrote this one is it aaron? i’m sorry taylor i don’t listen to the national you can hate me if you want

long story short - god the production on this slaps!!!!! and the idea of being hurt before and then finding your love and being all about them and not even caring abt what happened before!!!!! god i’m gonna cry i’m gonna cry. NO MORE KEEPING SCORE NOW I JUST KEEP YOU WARM?????? taylor really said “oh you’re not in love and i’m gonna make you feel like SHIT ABOUT IT” taylor pls a petition to let us say “BITCH” after the last line so it’s “i survived...bitch!” okay pls and thank you

marjorie - oh is this about taylor’s grandma :(((( i knew she used her name but this feels like it’s really all about her. babey. this is so sweet. taylor i love you

closure - okay the opening??? slaps! literally! okay the production of this is interesting! okay i’m like trying to figure out who this is about....who cares this is so good. oh my god the distortion??? it just underlines the anger of it all so perfectly and i love

evermore - exile hive let’s GOOOO. please be an exile pt 2 pls be an exile pt 2. so odd to me because, as a whole, this actually feels like a way more happy and optimistic album than folklore did, yet the title comes from the line “i had a feeling so peculiar/that this pain would be for/evermore”. OKAY BON IVERRRRRR. the violence of the dog days? that’s my next instagram caption thanks taylor. NOT A DUET SECTION AGAIN LIKE IN EXILE TAYLOR PLEASE I CANT HANDLE THISSSSSSS. “we always walked a very thin line” AND “is there a line that we could just go cross?” THE PARALELLELLLLRJSNDBBD. I’m gonna die for this I really think. okay so she ends it on this pain wouldn’t last evermore so that’s good

overall? this is a masterpiece. miss swift has done it again. folklore aoty 2021 and evermore aoty 2022. no body, no crime is really THAT BITCH. i need a mv miss swift! okay bye gonna go cry over this

update: after listening all night i feel like i need to point out that i’m stupid and thought este was the mistress and the singer was the wife when in fact ESTE is the wife in no body, no crime. SO addendum to my theory: este and dorothea were besties in hs then dorothea left and got married and so did este but este’s hubby cheated so then este’s friend murders him and she’s cool w it, then dorothea and her husband move back home and este and dorothea reconnect and realize their long hidden feelings for one another, dorothea leaves her husband and she and este run away together

ANOTHER UPDATE: ‘TIS THE DAMN SEASON IS FROM DOROTHEA’S POINT OF VIEW!!!!!!!! WHEN SHE COMES HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND SHES SINGING TO ESTE!!!!!! CJNECNSJSNNDN

[integritaet]

adulting 101: realizing you’re not as smart as you thought you were when you’re a lazy, arrogant little shit

Learning has never been a burden for me. Has never been a concern during my school time. Because I didn’t need it or chose not to do it; an unnecessary and over time-consuming aspect of life for other students that I concerned myself only for my final exams and even that remained on the shorter span of time. I was not getting the best grades, but I was one of the better students in my year and that was enough for me. I had simply never learned how to learn, because it played right into my cards that others were less committed or cared less or were more stupid than I (that sounds harsh, sorry). But that didn’t mean that I was smart, just that I was by comparison to the students around me, able to get good grades. A few of my friends have experienced their school times similar to mine: challenged enough to work hard during an exam and switching off the brain as soon as the paper was given back to the teacher. Now, I wish things had been different even then – despite it being easy and relaxing not having to study; now, that I am attending university, the attitude I got myself with through high school has caught up to me and left me with a single thought that has brought me a lot of heartache and desperation: I am not smart. Or at least not as smart as I thought I was. I excelled by comparison, but not as an individual. The “I don’t care about studying” attitude that stuck with me for a long time and has resulted in my rather average to bad grades in university that I am now crying myself to sleep over, since I don’t know what to do about them, has become so deep rooted within me, a part of what people in university think of me and see me for, for being the one to go home early to catch up on sleep or rather work a shift at my job than attending the classes (at least during non-corona times) I should sit in, has become part of my ‘image’. Pretending not to care is easy, as I’ve come to realize, and then fussing about grades of others who excelled because they studied is even easier. But in the end, I can only look at myself for the shit I do, or rahter, not do. Nobody tells me not to study. And though I have lots of excuses, that sometimes are not excuses but really aspects of life that hinder me from studying especially during the exam season – like working full days for 4 out of 6 days in between exams – the person at fault, for not making a better schedule or giving herself a push, is me. Finding out you’re not as smart as you thought you were, or not getting the best grades from your friend group anymore, but being at the bottom after being at the top without effort for so long, has been heavy on me and for a long time, I have pushed it back and not realized that what I really always want is to be seen as a sort of … prodigy. In all those TV shows and movies, the smart ones never study – they don’t really need to. They figure things out at the back of their hands and are able to make up new stuff and for a long time nobody has every come to realize their genius until they are older. Maybe I thought I could be like that. Effortless perfectionism. To be honest, I don’t know what kind of lecture I can draw out of those realizations. It still doesn’t change the fact that I want to get good grades without studying. I hate the act of it. Because I hate everything people tell me to do or I am in need of doing. Studying for myself is fun, and I like to read in my spare time, because inside my head I am this girl with ambitions and a coffee mug inside my hand and a book in the other – but as I grow older I realize that these images I have of myself, are not a real reflection of who I am deep down. I once read an article about a genius character from the US TV show Shameless, where Lip Gallagher, a guy from the Southside of Chicago goes to college and tries to achieve what none other of his family has done before: graduate and get money. But, spoiler alert, Lip doesn’t make it and winds back up in the Southside, wasting all the potential he has. I am nowhere near as smart, nor do I come from the worse side of town or anything. But the moral of the story is: Lip was one of the smartest kids in his school on the Southside of Chicago, he was said to achieve great things, until he went to college and realized he found himself in a new average. He was in a new cohort and they were just as smart, if not more so, than him. So, he went back home, to feel superior again in face of the people around him. Because even when he had the chance to make something of himself, his arrogance won out. I often feel, have so since the first semester of my degree, like dropping out, while still imagining myself to achieve something, graduate and go on to study and pursue another (higher) degree, as if I was not overly depressed getting this one most of the time because I don’t like the actual act of studying and reading while wanting to be perceived as intelligent and well-educated. I feel like I tell myself when thinking about quitting, well I could, but I don’t want to. Just like I do with every aspect of my life. And while writing this, I think I am realizing not that I am (just) an arrogant little shit, but that I am only a coward, because deep down I fear failing most of all. So, if I don’t put in the work, I can still say: Well, if I would have wanted to, I could have, but I didn’t. And that’s a fucking lie. I could have failed still, though probably things would have been better trying than not. Still, like I said, acting like I don’t care comes rather easy, because there is not so much of disappointment to come down on me in the worst-case scenario. It was always cooler to not care and to say others had simply more time to study or were better off, because they didn’t have to do this or that or had more help or people around them to give them a shove in the right direction. So at the end of this, I come to the realization, that I should care. At the core of my being I feel the importance of education, the weight of expectation from all around me, the need to succeed and the thirst for admiration. I am arrogant, and lazy, and a perfectionist, and not as smart as I thought I was – but I come to the realization that I should at least try trying, again.