#i will be open and say i often don't love myself. but i'm learning how to respect myself so that maybe one day i WILL love myself...

[fantaatix]

a stolitz post? in the year of our lord??

warning this is genuinely a long ass post

okay so sometime last month i was watching 3bskyen’s JLMW reaction (really tells you how long i’ve actually been cooking this post), and he was talking about color theory or something but what caught my attention was that he was paused on THIS frame:

he said something about the red/blue contrast throughout the music video; red being symbolic of blitz (the moon) and blue being symbolic of stolas (the ocean (?)) and it got me thinking, i wonder what the gold might symbolize? because this definitely isn’t the first time we’ve seen the color gold in reference to stolitz. first think back to truth seekers, there’s gold in quite a few places

golden rails, golden feathers, golden shackles; this is why i say gold and not yellow. at first i thought it might be symbolic of the power imbalance, but that’d be too easy.

quite the selection of objects, isn’t it? rails imply safety but can also be restricting, the feathers seem harmless but then turn into shackles…possibly reminiscent of the nature the book deal and the role it actually played in blitz’s mind about his relationship with stolas.

but there’s one more thing i left out; the golden dust

...okay...don't laugh...

first time i saw this scene in truth seekers i was immediately reminded of shrek ever after

AND I’M NOT COMPARING BLITZ TO RUMPELSTILTSKIN, i’m not trying to imply they stole from shrek ever after, THAT'D be a stretch. if anything blitz is better compared to shrek himself, but i'm not gonna write about that because i Don't Want To

but if i’m remembering correctly, that movie revolved around the theme of taking good things for granted, like your partner and your friends, which aligns pretty well with how blitz’s bad trip ends:

“i believe your subconscious is trying to tell you that you simply cannot fathom proper intimacy, but also craves it as well. it’s rather unfortunate, sir, considering it’s often how you treat those who stand by you, such as myself. are you worried i may have enough of it one day, as well?”

"you cannot fathom proper intimacy."

blitz doesn’t know how to be close to other people–i don’t think he understands the relationship he has with any of the people in his life.

we still don’t truly know blitz’s full belief on love and we can only deduce it from his actions; he says monogamy is boring but then goes on to stalk his monogamous employees, on their anniversary no less, bringing along his own singular date...

he focuses on the sex in his relationships because that’s what he’s good at; he finds sex less complicated than romance... and then struggles to get his asmodean crystal to open a portal because he can’t get it off.

he has this recurring pattern where the title of “best friend” eventually turns into something else, often unrequited...

“...my first ever friend!”

he didn't expect stolas' intimate attraction to him. stolas made the connection and it succeeded in making blitz feel guilty about stealing the book; that was why he stayed the night. blitz isn't used to not being rejected, even though he has a record of relationships that stopped once the Evil Four Letter Word came up. when he goes into a relationship, blitz has learned to not expect it to evolve past sex. love has negative connotations to him.

the worst part is we don’t know for certain WHY any of this is, or if it can even be chalked down to a singular thing

yeah, his mom died in a fire blitz caused, his best friend/crush lost his limbs in a fire blitz caused, he’s been treated as property since a young age; you can makes all kinds of correlations between these events and how they might have affected him later in life but as it stands now, we have no concrete answers other than the conclusion that blitz hates himself and has commitment issues.

but back onto that “taking things for granted” tidbit–subconsciously, he knows relationships can be good, but he feels he has to give up a lot of freedom in order to maintain one of his own.

also note how blitz is desperately crawling up the staircase, feathers kind of just hitting him haphazardly as he does so, as opposed to trip!moxxie who takes a few steps up after picking up a feather of his own volition. he knows moxxie’s relationship is more stable than any relationship he’s ever had, and yet:

“stop fucking talking, all of you!”

cue the gold dust.

now, i'm not saying the book deal was a good thing. in fact, it kind of reinforced the power imbalance between blitz and stolas. i'm saying that from blitz's perspective, it was a safeguard. any feelings he might have had for stolas before could be dismissed, and he does exactly that one episode prior;

"it's a transactional fucking, you see..."

what i think he does take for granted is the advice “moxxie” gives to him, his attempts to reach out in a meaningful manner, kind of like stolas’ attempts to reach out. he ignores them both; he’s too deep into his own denial.

also, STAIRCASES IN THIS FUCKING SHOW.

why do these fruity little men think so low of themselves and so highly of others??

i guess that's a bit of a rhetorical question, we all know the answer, but. wait. hold on a sec

ohhhh.

OOOHHHH, that's what this post was gonna be about!

i fucking GOT all of you, you thought i could go a post without talking about him you're WRONG and should feel SILLY.

so this was the OTHER thing i realised when watching 3bskyen's JLMW reaction: it follows the same theme as moxxie's bad trip!

JLMW vs. moxxie's bad trip

in helluva boss, we're used to seeing staircases being symbolic of a difference in power or importance, or a staircase to heaven, or a highly anticipated event going wrong *cough cough ozzie's cough full moon cough cough*

however, i think in the context of moxxie’s bad trip and JLMW, it can also be attributed to emotional distance. like stolas, moxxie's also looking for an emotional intimacy/understanding between him and blitz (he spends his whole trip actively trying to get on the same level as him for crying out loud).

this could also fit into blitz's bad trip; he's trying to get on the same level as stolas, but feels like even if he ever did, he'd still be inherently worthless. a "play thing".

he doesn’t know why anyone would want him for anything else, but he’s clearly not all about the hierarchy.

they need to get on the same level as each other emotionally; they need to break the power dynamic, and thats why the book deal had to go.

the difference in the symbolism is that while blitz has a straight and narrow path to trip!stolas, moxxie’s path to trip!blitz is this winding, unguarded staircase. he almost falls off.

now, compared to both of those, stolas’ path is a fucking stroll. albeit an emotionally damaging stroll, but it takes less physical strength.

conclusion; stairs are symbolic of a difference in power, but gold is symbolic of something else.

and there is a power dynamic between moxxie and blitz. it's not like stolas and blitz's dynamic, it's an artificial imbalance; blitz is the boss, moxxie is the employee. and moxxie has his own inferiority complex, which i think plays a role in it too.

the imbalance between stolas and blitz is kind of, unfortunately, inherited. but it's not impossible to manage. of course, stolas doesn't care about where blitz is on the hierarchy, he doesn't care about the hierarchy period. but it's still there. blitz cares because it affects him.

"you will be technically under his jurisdiction, but..."

this was problem one. stolas unintentionally demonstrating his power over blitz. "surprise, i technically made you someone else's property! please love me!" i'm exaggerating but this is definitely not the kind of thing you spring on your partner; they needed to talk about this beforehand, but according to stolas:

"no need for an arrangement, it can just be him and me!"

sigh. the many different ways this night could've gone

this is enough to trigger blitz's fight or flight. he wants to be with stolas, but he doesn't want the freedom to choose to be with him, which is problem two:

because blitz's belief of love is so inherently fucked up,

what are the chances that the very thing stolas gave to blitz to reaffirm his free will was just interpreted as another shackle?

blitz doesn't do commitment; stolas doesn't say "i love you", he doesn't need to. if you love something, you let it go, and if it comes back then it's yours--which happens in the very next episode.

blitz is the first person to mention love.

but if they want to love each other, they have to be equals, which was why the book deal had to go. they can't hold each other to these super high standards because that'd just set themselves up for disappointment. they have to be on the same level.

tldr: they're two sides of the same coin. literally!

color theory for dummies, a brief intermission

fun fact: i actually didn’t learn color theory in an art class, but in a textiles class. we love american education. but anyways, i’m gonna ask you to draw your attention specifically to the complementary colors.

we start the chorus of JLMW in a purpley sort of place, which then shifts into gold, and then into the red/blue contrast.

except red and blue aren’t complete opposites, they’re both primary colors.

if they wanted complete opposites, they could’ve used red and green, or blue and orange, which are admittedly uglier combinations but the point is that stolitz aren’t complete opposites.

however, purple and yellow, or gold, ARE complete opposites; they’re complementary colors. if purple is implied to be symbolic of stolitz together, then could gold imply stolitz apart?

well…no. i think that’s the wrong angle. if they wanted that contrast, they could have left the gold out entirely, because red and blue separate is stolitz apart.

so how are we supposed to deduce what the gold is actually symbolic of? because no, i don’t actually think it’s an extended shrek 4 reference. that kind of exclusively pertains to blitz’s trip.

listening to the lyrics in the gold part;

This unspoken contract

A deed we forged for mutual gain

If that's all this was when you're not here

What is this rooted pain?

I don't care that you're of lower station

Or primed to sate my dark temptations

Why can't you understand? Let me explain

And I'm terrified as I cry

To make these feelings true

What's left for me and my broken heart

If I cannot have you?

a direct mention of the book deal…and another mention of the power imbalance…so i realize am starting to sound insane, but please hear me out.

i think the main theme of helluva boss IS learning to love in spite of damages and traumas and insecurities–not ignoring either of those, but learning to work around them or possibly heal those parts of yourself so you can love someone else effectively. learning from mistakes.

so what if the gold is symbolic of the simple desire of a mutual understanding? or a meaningful connection with someone else?

tying it all back together somehow

both moxxie and stolas want to connect with blitz (in different ways), but for stolas, that means severing possibly the only thing connecting them thus far (the book). for moxxie, that means climbing the staircase and possibly being pushed even further away.

moxxie also has this high opinion of blitz despite all his obvious (and not so obvious) flaws. i think it's partially because of his own inferiority complex, but to him, blitz is the phantom--his scar becomes the mask he hides behind. he knows blitz puts on this loud, crude personality to hide his cracks and keep others away, and has a scarily accurate portrayal of him in his mind.

moxxie wants to be on the same level as blitz, and he knows it's possible to get there, because he's a damaged character himself and he gets it. he's just yet to take the actual first step.

stolas, even in his own imagination, doesn't think it's possible to be emotionally intimate until the deal is broken. he could reach for blitz, but blitz wouldn't reach back. he's not looking. not to mention the literal celestial view he has of blitz in his head.

while stolas can see blitz's damage, he can't fully comprehend it yet, partially because blitz won't give him the chance and partially because stolas isn't damaged in the same way he is. they both had deadbeat dads, but they adapted in different ways.

that's just the way trauma works, you adapt to deal with it, and then have to unadapt those unhealthy coping mechanisms once you're finally safe. it just takes a while for people to realize they're actually safe, and these fruitcakes are no exception.

conclusion? uhh, i don't know, i guess i don't really have one. just. enough with the discourse about these bitches i guess??? just give them each some time, change takes more than two seasons.

i guess i could compare the way the songs are set up but this was supposed to be out like two days ago and it's already 11:45 so. maybe some other time, maybe in a post about moxxie's Interesting taste in musicals

was unfortunately unable to finish the mox vs. fizz masterpost this month but we'll see sometime in the coming months, maybe sometime after the next helluva short comes out. been a bit too busy with school and other social things to have time writing these long asf posts about my skrimblos

okay goodnight o/

[uncanny-tranny]

I just heard this ad that says therapy is just "learning how to love yourself," and quite honestly, I disagree with that sentiment. I think it puts uneeded pressure on people to "love themselves."

I don't think you need to love yourself to benefit from therapy, and therapy shouldn't just be "learning to love yourself." It certainly is beneficial for some people to learn skills that we call self-love, like setting boundaries, hygiene that works for you, eating full and balanced meals that you enjoy, for instance, but that doesn't need to include this air of being in love with yourself.

I think therapy is about learning how to live with yourself. You don't have to love your flatmates (for example), but you often respect them as people. So, you'll clean up after yourself, and you'll communicate with them, and you'll even make small talk with them. That's kind of how I see therapy. You don't have to love yourself, but you often need to learn how to respect yourself, and I think those are slightly different things.

[inkskinned]

for a while i lived in an old house; the kind u.s americans don't often get to live in - living in a really old house here is super expensive. i found out right before i moved out that the house was actually so old that it features in a poem by emily dickinson.

i liked that there were footprints in front of the sink, worn into the hardwood. there were handprints on some of the handrails. we'd find secret marks from other tenants, little hints someone else had lived and died there. and yeah, there was a lot wrong with the house. there are a lot of DIY skills you learn when you are a grad student that cannot afford to pay someone else to do-it-for-ya. i shared the house with 8 others. the house always had this noise to it. sometimes that noise was really fucking awful.

in the mornings though, the sun would slant in thick amber skiens through the windows, and i'd be the first one up. i'd shuffle around, get showered in this tub that was trying to exit through the floor, get my clothes on. i would usually creep around in the kitchen until it was time to start waking everyone else up - some of them required multiple rounds of polite hey man we gotta go knocks. and it felt... outside of time. a loud kind of quiet.

the ghosts of the house always felt like they were humming in a melody just out of reach. i know people say that the witching hour happens in the dark, but i always felt like it occurred somewhere around 6:45 in the morning. like - for literal centuries, somebody stood here and did the dishes. for literal centuries, somebody else has been looking out the window to this tree in our garden. for literal centuries, people have been stubbing their toes and cracking their backs and complaining about the weather. something about that was so... strangely lovely.

i have to be honest. i'm not a history aficionado. i know, i know; it's tragic of me. i usually respond to "this thing is super old" by being like, wow! cool! and moving on. but this house was the first time i felt like the past was standing there. like it was breathing. like someone else was drying their hands with me. playing chess on the sofa. adding honey to their tea.

i grew up in an old town. like, literally, a few miles off of walden pond (as in of the walden). (also, relatedly, don't swim in walden, it's so unbelievably dirty). but my family didn't have "old house" kind of money. we had a barely-standing house from the 70's. history existed kind of... parallel to me. you had to go somewhere to be in history. your school would pack you up on a bus and take you to some "ye olden times" place and you'd see how they used to make glass or whatever, and then you'd go home to your LEDs. most museums were small and closed before 5. you knew history was, like, somewhere, but the only thing that was open was the mcdonalds and the mall.

i remember one of my seventh grade history teachers telling us - some day you'll see how long we've been human for and that thing has been puzzling me. i know the scientific number, technically.

the house had these little scars of use. my floors didn't actually touch the walls; i had to fill them with a stopgap to stop the wind. other people had shoved rags and pieces of newspaper. i know i've lost rings and earring backs down some of the floorboards. i think the raccoons that lived in our basement probably have collected a small fortune over the years. i complain out loud to myself about how awful the stairs are (uneven, steep, evil, turning, hard to get down while holding anything) and know - someone else has said this exact same thing.

when i was packing up to leave and doing a final deep cleaning, i found a note carved in the furthest corner in the narrow cave of my closet. a child's scrawled name, a faded paint handprint, the scrangly numbers: 1857.

we've been human for a long time. way back before we can remember.

[fandomapocalypse]

Love and relationships in Hazbin Hotel

Episode 7 has something interesting and in the song that is called "Out for love" is sung by a character that is referring to a type of love different from a romantic or sexual one, Carmilla is openly talking about familial love. Vaggie of course relates this to her romantic feelings towards Charlie and how she wants to help her. But something else interesting happens in episode 7, Rosie is properly introduced as Alastor's bestie. This leads to showing another type of love: platonic love.

Now to the main point of this post: Alastor. It's canon that he is aroace and as an ace myself (I'm still questioning whether I'm aromantic or demiromantic but this post isn't about me lol) I'm extremely happy to see myself through him. Plus, the fact that the perfect Tumblr sexyman is aroace is genius and hilarious, you can't possibly top this type of humor.

Alastor for me has been a great ace representation and I've seen myself mainly in how he acts around his friends or other people.

When it comes to Niffty it looks more like a relationship between someone with their feral cat or their crazy little sister. But it's still a genuine connection and a fun chaotic one at that, he even lets her touch his hair and climb on him. In regards to Mimzy, he has shown he cares about her and welcomes her with open arms. He openly hugs her, which shocks everyone in the cast. This is extremely important because Alastor usually only starts physical contact to mock others or to pretend physical closeness as a manipulation tactic (like he often does with Charlie). When it comes to people he hates Alastor may touch them but will quickly wipe his hand on his clothes, like what he did with Lucifer. Personally, I don't like personal contact and only accept it if I start it and usually I use it as a way to show affection with close friends. Also, they have known each other since they were alive, so Mimzy probably knows a lot about Alastor that the rest of the cast doesn't. Mimzy also says that they used to dance together. But that doesn't exclude the fact that she uses Alastor's friendship and affection to save her own ass and taking into account how Husk reacted to Mimzy, this isn't the first time she does this. Also, the relationship between the two starts to crumble after what happened in episode 6 and Mimzy seems to be the kind of friend who will pretend that they are still on good terms and still ask Alastor for favors in the future.

Now jumping back to Alastor's true bestie: Rosie. They probably bonded at first over their cannibalistic natures but it's clear that it evolved beyond that. Personally, I don't ship Alastor with anyone, but when it comes to Rosie I headcanon they are in a QPR.

There are various reasons why this relationship is so great and wholesome, the first one being that there is no power imbalance, they are equals. Both are cannibalistic overlords and are on equal footing in terms of power. When Rosie first sees Alastor she is genuinely happy which is something new because most people react badly to him out of fear or hatred.

Alastor respects Rosie, he even compliments her, in her introduction he says she is "the most darling, delightful, and dangerous Overlord of this side of the pentagram". Considering how self-centered and narcissistic he can be, it means a lot. Alastor would rather die again than compliment another Overlord who isn't Zestial, which he respects but out of fear. Alastor respects Rosie as his close friend. When they stand next to each other they give an air of equals, something that never happens thanks to Alastor's ego and sadism towering over everyone else. With Rosie it's different and Rosie can openly tease Alastor with the "Look at you, so polite! Alastor you can learn a thing or two" when comparing him to Charlie when meeting her, or "I'm just kidding, I know you're an ace in the hole" to tease him about his asexuality. This is something that not a lot of people can do because Alastor is obsessed with control and respect. After all, we see how badly he reacted when Husk insulted him.

He also harmonizes with her, he willingly makes a duet with her in "Ready for this". He isn't interrupting her, instead, he agrees with her and they sing together in unison. This is the first time he doesn't openly hijack a song or fight for control over it, like he did with Vox and Lucifer (although this also happened because this is Charlie's song, but who cares the point still stands). Also, this is the first time we see him dance with someone, instead of forcing them to join his musical number (like he does with Charlie on various occasions). Alastor and Rosie are in perfect sync and it's so wholesome and precious to see him being so openly happy with her. Many have pointed out that the only times Alastor is genuinely smiling is when he is with Rosie and it shows by his expression in his eyes.

Finally, Rosie is the only one capable of bringing the most human emotions out of him, the most obvious one being confusion. In the scene of "ace in the hole" Rosie manages to confuse and surprise Alastor for a solid second, which is a huge change of his persona around everyone else of control and manipulation. Also, it's hilarious that Alastor doesn't know what being aroace is, he probably thinks he is above all that.

He is openly relaxed around Rosie and lets her touch him in an affectionate way, something that not even Mimzy can do. It may be because of the height difference but Mimzy only touches Alastor to hug him and to emphasize he is a "heartless son of a bitch" and Alastor clearly gets irritated by her touching him that way and even moves her finger away from him. This never happens with Rosie and he even welcomes her touching him by not having any walls with her. It's Rosie the one starting the physical contact and Alastor doesn't seem to mind and he never tries to use physical contact to take advantage of her like he does with other characters. Rosie is one of the few people who can touch Alastor without losing an arm and instead have a positive reaction out of him.

The most genuine relationship Alastor has is with Rosie, he even has the confidence and comfort to stop his elegant and reserved persona of not swearing. Which he only does when he is truly angry, like what happened with Lucifer. Or when he is threatening someone like he did with Adam. Or when he is shocked when his microphone breaks. He swears to insult Susan, which is someone they both despise equally. Something that you would only do with your closest bestie.

Finally, let's talk about Alastor's breakdown in the last episode. We've already seen that Alastor is capable of having friendships that aren't based on an end goal. Alastor knows this but he rejects it because he is at the hotel originally for selfish goals and doesn't want his emotions to get in the way. He is terrified of ruining his reputation as a sadistic killer and becoming an altruistic who cares about his friends. Alastor wants to stop himself from starting to care about the crew the same way he cares about Rosie, Mimzy, or Nifty to some degree. This is confirmed by his conversation with Niffty, where he admits he has grown accustomed to the main crew and perhaps he is growing feelings of affection towards them in his own way.

In regards to shipping him with Rosie, I see it as a platonic ship or a QPR. Some people have a headcanon that if they had known each other when they were alive they would have married for tax benefits and to avoid the social stigma, which is the only right answer. When they first met in hell they probably had dates in cannibal town where they ate human flesh while gossiping and trash-talked about the other overlords. Which is exactly what an ace person like myself wants from a close friendship.

As an ace, I really like Alastor not because he is the ultimate Tumblr sexyman or see him as hot but because he is an extremely fun character that I can relate to. I'm grateful for the crew and VA that take into account he is aroace and take seriously that aspect of his character. I don't mind that the aroace representation in Hazbn Hotel is a narcissistic psychopath, if you want a more wholesome ace representation you can check Todd in Bojack Horseman or Saiki in The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.

I don't mind people shipping Alastor, after all, it's just people having fun, but you can't ignore that he is aroace and how this affects his relationships. So yeah have fun and respect and aroace community :)

ok thanks for hearing my rant bye

[h2llish]

⁀➷ ˖ tough love

notes ─── we love rollo <3 so this is my contribution to @cloudcountry 's event!

ROLLO FLAMME ─── if you don't care, you're not sure anyone will.

warnings ☆ fluff, some comfort, can be read platonic or romantic, gender neutral, reader is not yuu, playful teasing, lowercase intended, takes place after the event btw

the sky had become dashed with yellows and pinks as the sun began to set, and many of your peers began to retire from the rush of class. you would've liked to join them, but like clockwork, your routine left you climbing the belltower as the time on your watch struck six, with your books abandoned at the bottom for you to come back to. (if anyone stumbled across your belongings, they knew to leave it be, far too used to the routine of you and their president.)

you believe you had come to recognize every miniscule difference in the planks with how often you'd climb them, navigating the corners like your body had memorized every turn. and perhaps it has, since you've been climbing the belltower for more than a year every day to meet him at the top.

"there they are!"

you smiled and tilted your head respectfully as you reached the top of the tower, greeting the gargoyles that lived with the bell. they'd come to recognize your face, knowing you by name, and always waiting for you to reach the top at the same time, every day. ─ you'd only ever been late once, when you hadn't been aware of the quicker passage to the top. but since then, you'd always be there, even when you fell ill with a cold, or found it difficult to walk after a bad bout of food poisoning (specific, perhaps, but it did happen, and yet you still came at the exact time in which you promised you would. even if that did lead you to receiving a long scolding).

one of the gargoyles, who had always been more talkative, and seemed much older compared to the rest, waited to gesture over to the bell, where you could just barely see someone sitting on the other side. "we're especially quiet today."

"is that so." you sighed, gripping the bag on your shoulder with a lazy shrug, nodding at the gargoyle in your thanks.

rollo hardly batted an eye when you took up spot beside him, setting the bag down safely, and leaning back on your hands with an exaggerated sigh. "you know, having to climb all these stairs every day, gets exhausting." you said ─ a jab, you always made sure to poke at him. it was a test, something you've done since you were kids. you'd learned that his reactions to your jokes always told you how he was feeling, how open he was to talk to you.

"then stop climbing every day." he replied, rolling his eyes but not giving you the satisfaction of a glance your way.

you gasped, as dramatic as he'd known you to be, "but this is my time where i have you all to myself! i'm offended you'd say such a thing!"

"you're ridiculous."

"says the guy who is brooding all alone here in a tower." you snickered, and he finally looked at you, sending you a glare. but you hardly felt any anger behind it; at least not at you. ─ the anger you were used to seeing since the incident was always directed elsewhere, stewing, grieving.

"i'm not brooding." he scowled, and you raised your eyebrows, as if challenging that claim.

"sure you're not." you clicked your tongue and grinned.

he was talkative today, expressive ─ a rare occurrence with him. you'd consider it your lucky day if you didn't know he's only ever like this when his guard is down because he's simply too tired to keep it up. he's known you since you were small, you'd been there since the start of it all, and yet he still found it so difficult to relax. ─ you knew why, and you grieved for him when he could not.

he went silent, a scoff his final jab at your teasing, turning his head back out to the city that the bell overlooked, watching over it like a knight to its queen. the same city you can still vividly remember being covered in flickering flowers that drained you of the magic you built up if only to be at his side when he got into the college. ─ you remember being in the dorms, attending to any students who might need your help. and you remember when they started to fall unconscious. you remember looking outside as the flowers spread, until you too, went dark, only to wake sometime later with the mission of finding rollo to make sure he was okay. (he was, and you think you know why.)

"are you hungry?" you asked, crossing your legs and leaning forward.

"no."

"liar." you quickly rebutted, turning your head to him with narrowed eyes, "you didn't eat lunch."

"and how do you know that?"

"i know everything, my dear rollo." ─ you always made sure he was taking care of himself, always there to support even when he remained oblivious to it. you remember making that promise to yourself as a kid, to look out for him when no one else would, when he didn't know how to grieve, and he scowled and cursed at every mage that crossed your sight.

you grabbed the bag at your side and reached into it, pulling out sandwiches and bottles of water, "i brought you something to eat." you held it out to him with a look that told him he had to take it. he did, and he didn't need to say thank you because you knew that when tomorrow comes, he'll have your favorite pastry waiting for you, like he always did when you make sure to care of him where he lacked. "i would've cooked for you, but alas, i simply had no time."

"thank the stars." he sassed, and you would've gasped in surprise if you hadn't been expecting. ─ he really was so talkative today, lucky you.

"we are still sitting at the top of the tower."

"your threats have no effect on me." he scoffed, before taking a bite of the unwrapped sandwich.

you snorted and glared at him with faux annoyance, "see if i ever come back here."

a side glance as he chewed, before he jabbed back, "what happened to having me all to yourself?"

"i can manage."

"you're much too terrible at lying."

he's right, but you think that applies only when it came to your care for him.

and you know it will be the same tomorrow. ─ just as your watch strikes six, when the sky is painted with yellows and pinks as the sun begins to set, and many of your peers begin to retire from the rush of class. and although you would like to join them, you'd still find yourself at the belltower, like clockwork, with your books waiting for you to return to them, and a bag on your shoulder with sandwiches inside because you'd know he'd probably forget to eat lunch. and you'd find something else to jab at him about, to see how he's feeling, and know what he needs you to be.

because you made a promise to care for him, because you're not sure anyone else will.

do not repost, translate, copy, or run my writing through an ai

[doumadono]

EMERGENCY REQUEST

Hii, i was wondering if you could write platonic Aizawa emergency request in which hr has a daughter ho has veen strugling with self harm and su1cidal thoughts, please.

I had been really low latly and i relapes after 7 months of not self harming.

Thanks love 🩷

A/N: I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately, Nonnie. Remember, setbacks are a part of recovery, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You've made progress before, and you can do it again. Sending you love and support ♥

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Aizawa is incredibly protective and caring towards you, his precious daughter.

He always makes time for you, even with his busy schedule as a pro hero and teacher at U.A.

Aizawa is observant, noticing even the slightest changes in your behavior.

One day, he accidentally walks in on you wrapping your wrists in bandages after harming yourself, and he's filled with terror.

Despite his fear, he immediately approaches you, sitting down beside you on the bed. "What's going on?" he asks straightforwardly, his voice laced with concern. "Why are you doing this to yourself, sweetheart"

You look up at him, your Y/E/C eyes filled with pain and uncertainty. "I... I just can't handle it anymore," you admit, your voice barely above a whisper. You explain that the pressure of hero studies and internships has been weighing heavily on you, and you don't know know how to cope anymore. "One day, I accidentally hurt my hand... and... it felt so good... like all my stress was relieved," you begin, tears streaming down your flushed face. "So I started doing this... from time to time... and... I couldn't stop... I was punishing myself for not being perfect, daddy," you say, your sobs becoming uncontrollable.

Aizawa listens attentively, his heart breaking at the thought of his daughter struggling alone. Without hesitation, he offers his unwavering support, reassuring you that you're not alone in this, his strong arms wrapping tightly around your trembling form as he offers you the tightest hug he can.

You hug him back tightly, whimpering, "I'm sorry, daddy, I'm so sorry!"

As you're held in his arms, you don't notice the tears streaming down Shota's face as he comforts you. He soothes you with gentle words and his presence, rocking you back and forth in his arms. "You're perfect just the way you are," he assures, clearing his throat to hide the hoarseness in his tone from the tears he shed for you. "We're in this together. You're not alone. We're a team. Always remember that you can come to me with all your problems, even the ones that seem small or irrelevant. Your problems are mine too. I'm your dad, and I'll do whatever I can to help you. Always."

You nod, listening to your dad's words. "I didn't want to bother you with..."

He interrupts you, shushing you, gently cupping your wet cheeks in his hands and making you meet his gaze. "You are never a bother. Never. You're my entire world, babygirl."

Aizawa makes sure to prioritize your well-being, adjusting his schedule to spend more time with you and offering words of encouragement whenever you need them.

He often says sweet little things like "I love you, sweetheart" or "you mean the world to me." He also praises your efforts, saying things like "you did very well on this test. I know you worked hard for a good grade, but even if it's not what you expected, remember that grades don't define your skills, knowledge, or spirit."

Through your journey, Aizawa learns to open up more to you, strengthening your bond and creating a safe space for you to express all of your feelings.

Even though Aizawa is hesitant at first, after realizing the seriousness of the situation, he doesn't hesitate to ask his friends for help.

And of course, they respond.

Hizashi visits Aizawa's apartment every day, bringing groceries and always having a little sweet snack for you that he knows you enjoy.

Despite the challenges you both face, Aizawa remains by your side, ready to support you through every step of your recovery journey.

[cheezeybread]

hihi! I saw your requests were open and was wondering if you'd do head cannons with any of the first years you want (romantic expt Ortho obvi) where the reader has natural wavy/curly hair (2C/3A) and always straightens it,but one day their straighter broke and they had to go to school with their natural hair?

HECK YEAH

As a curly-haired girlie myself, this just hits different <3

𝙁𝙩: 𝘼𝙘𝙚, 𝘿𝙚𝙪𝙘𝙚, 𝙅𝙖𝙘𝙠, 𝙊𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙤, 𝙎𝙚𝙗𝙚𝙠

I'm SoRrY I can't write Epel that well :(

𝘾𝙐𝙍𝙇𝙔 𝘿𝘼𝙔𝙎

●・○・●・○・●

𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐀

Literally doesn't even notice anything is different.

Maybe he'll have a feeling that something's off....but he can't quite figure out what....

You're gonna have to tell him straight-up, baby, he's about as thick in the head as they come. Ain't nothing getting in his brain.

Of course, once you tell him, Ace tries to play it off like he knew but was just waiting for YOU to be comfortable enough to share it with him.

God love him, he tries to hard to be cool.

But by golly, he absolutely LOVES this natural hair of yours now that he notices it

He's totally gonna think of reasons to drag you all over school grounds, just so everyone in the entire school can see you and your fancy-dancy hair!

Even if you tell him you don't think it's fancy-dancy, he does NOT agree and WILL keep calling it that.

The next day, when you come to classes with it straightened again, he's obviously gonna sulk about it a little bit...and after he overhears something about straightened hair losing its straight-ness when wet....he's gonna find a way to dump water on you so he can see your wavy hair again!

Which might be the wrong route, but he just loves you so much and can't get enough of your hair.

●～●～●～●～●

𝐃𝐄𝐔𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐏𝐀𝐃𝐄

"Ohhhh, my mom straightens her hair, too! Why not just leave it natural?"

He's well-versed with the world of hair-styling simply from his mother's own routines when she was younger.

Now that he knows your secret, he's totally gonna buy you hair supplies specifically FOR your natural hair...you know, he was just out shopping at the school store and came across this special cream that reduces frizziness, why don't you try it out??

Of course, if you tell him that you prefer to have it straightened (either for convenience, or because you're self-conscious about it), he'll do his best to support your decision, and he'll stop buying the wavy hair products.

Heck, he'll even try his hand at straightening your hair for you!

He'll burn his fingers a lot the first few tries (which he makes you "kiss the pain away". He's a bit cringe, but hey, he's your cringe), but soon enough, he'll be an expert with that sucker!

You now have a new hairstylist! Tadaaaa

●～●～●～●～●

𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐋

He's such a king, he notices right away what's up with your hair and gives you a nod of appreciation.

Jack may not be the best with words, especially not words of affection, but he's working on it for you! So expect some shy compliments of how nice you look!

You can even catch him whispering under his breath sometimes about how he "likes the look" and you should "wear it more often", but if you ask him to repeat what he said so you can hear it better, he'll get flustered and say something like "I SAID IT'S REALLY HOT OUT"

He's pretty chill about the whole thing, ngl. He doesn't try to pressure you to straighten it again nor leave it how it is, he just appreciates it whatever style it's in. The natural look, he's just considering it as a treat!

PLEASE start wearing your natural hairstyle around this poor man, because he's not going to ask you to do it, even though he reeeeeally wants you to.

Poor Jack just figures that you should do what you want- after all, it IS your hair.

Once he learns about straight + wetness = curly hair, expect some swim dates, and walks in the rain.

You've been warned

●～●～●～●～●

𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐎 𝐒𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐃

The poor little dude is trying so hard to figure out what's wrong with you at first

But then when he gets closer to you, he realizes that it's just your hair, in a different style!

He knows that people can curl their hair, straighten it, and do whatever they want to it, so why should he be so surprised?

More likely than not, he already knew your hair type was different from the straight hairstyle you wore everyday, simply from scanning you for injuries when he hangs out with you (Yes, he most definitely checks you over every time, he can't have his friend getting hurt and not do anything about it!)

Once you tell him your tale of woe regarding your hair straightener, Ortho lights up and offers to fix it for you! He also has a built-in mini hair-straightener (because he has everything else, why not!) and offers to straighten your hair right here, right now, if you want!

Truth be told, he likes any of your hairstyles, so wear whatever you want with pride!

●～●～●～●～●

𝐒𝐄𝐁𝐄𝐊 𝐙𝐈𝐆𝐕𝐎𝐋𝐓

Yells very loudly when he first sees you: "WITCH, THEY'RE A WITCH"

But then he realizes that they're all at a school for magic-users, and that you're the only one amongst them that DOESN'T actually have magic!

So he's just very confused as to how you changed you hair so suddenly.

When you tell him about your hair straightener breaking and how this is your natural kind of hair, he immediately wants to see the straightener.

He's so awestruck by this little device that's an over-glorified piece of hot iron.

"I WILL TAKE THIS MACHINE UNDER MY CHARGE", he loudly exclaims, taking your hair straightener and rushing back to the Diasomnia house.

He'll definitely get someone in Ignihyde to fix it (Or, rather, he'll get Lilia to go in his stead to get someone to fix it, but once it's all nice and working again, he's gonna use that sucker until it breaks again!

Everyone in Diasomnia walks around with badly-straightened hair. Half of the dorm member's hair is already straight, so Sebek tried to make it even STRAIGHTER.....there's a thick hair-burnt smell hanging around the dorm.

But yeah, you're not getting your straightener back after that. Besides, Sebek likes your wavy hair! It matches your personality a lot more, in his opinion ;)

●・○・●・○・●

[amourdivine]

୨ ♡ ୧︰ TAROT 101: developing your intuition.

Hello lovelies, welcome to the first post of my Tarot 101 series! After receiving a few questions, I decided to incorporate a series of tips and tutorials for other self-taught readers. Today, I'm answering a follower's asks sent in my DM's. I'm tackling it separately, so it makes more sense to other people to read it. PS: Since this is a major work in progress and I'm not an all-knowing, almighty entity, please provide feedback, comments or concerns you might have! Thank you.

☁️ ˚ NAVIGATE ༉ ‧

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How you develop your intuition and psychic abilities while reading tarot?

There is not one size fits all. While many readers recommend connecting to oneself, that's just the basis of it, really, but the main concept is to look at yourself, compassionately. Without the judgment of our everyday lives and the chaos of getting things right in the first attempt. You cannot be honest with yourself (or your intuition), if self-denial is the state you're living in. Or worse: if you view the truth as punishment.

It's always going to be a journey of discovery, and the first thing about spirituality is that you need to keep an open heart to the magic. Skepticism may get you far ahead in your career or financial matters, but when it comes to intuition, you can't grasp onto logic all the time.

With tarot, it's a little more practical: learn and lean into the cards. Notice I didn't say memorize, because many of us are busy enough with our everyday schedules. Just tap into them. Look at them. What does The Lovers remind you of? Maybe it takes you to the story about the Garden of Eden. Or- maybe it reminds you of your parents, their golden youth before marrying.

Again. No judgement. Let your stream of consciousness free. A huge part of reading tarot is allowing your imagination to run wild. Although the Devil card can symbolize obsession or addiction at first, take into account the spread, the topic. The context. What is your body telling you about the images you see?

We often underestimate the symbolism behind the cards. Without considering the traditional meanings,take one card out of your deck and just look at it. What colors are prominent? What do these colors represent in modern society? Do these people look happy? Are there any people at all? Where are they? Let your mind weave a story.

As a tarot reader, what you do on daily basis for intuition and tarot reading? What practices, book, or some kind of information which help you for tarot readings?

There are many things that have helped me, personally, but I'm going to mention some of the best practices I've seen, both for myself and for others.

› Stay creative. If it means drawing, writing, or painting, then stay creative. Find whatever little (or big) ways you can express your creativity. Remember you don't have to be "good". You can just be. Creativity exists in a lot of ways.

› Engage with other readers. Observe them. You can find a tarot reader that deeply resonates with you and watch how they read. Test if it works for you. Remember this is your practice, it's your sacred space, so you don't have to follow someone else's rules.

› Read, if and when you can. I personally recommend the book "History of Tarot" by Isabelle Nadolny, but not everyone can afford books or the time to read them. There are plenty of Youtube tutorials and free guidebooks on Biddy Tarot, for example. I also love Servant of The Fates' blog. They're both different and great, reliable sources.

› Start small. You can pull one card a day. Get a journal, write its meaning (or what it means to you) and record your progress. In a few months, when you return to it, you might find it surprising.

› Let yourself not know everything. No one does. Sometimes, you'll need to pause, go back to a guidebook and read the meaning all over again. Other times, you'll look at the spread and feel nothing. That's okay too. We're not meant to know all the answers.

Is meditation really important for reading tarot? Why? How much time do you spend daily for tarot readings and spiritual practices?

Since this is more of a personal matter, I'll be talking about myself. I don't meditate as often as most readers. Three times a month, maybe? I have a busy schedule and I can only meditate before bed, if I'm not too sleepy. Many people find that meditation makes them anxious or they're not able to fully let go. Other people find it that being in silence or taking a walk is more useful to them. Relaxation and meditation come in many, many forms. The important thing is to nurture your body and soul more than to adhere to rigid rules.

However, when it comes to saving time for readings or spiritual practices, I don't set rules for myself. It never works for me.

I let it flow. Sometimes, I go weeks on end without really consuming tarot content and I bond with my decks occasionally. And other times, I'm reading daily, journaling and trying to improve my skills. Since I have a billion other things to care for, I'm not always able to prioritize tarot as much as I'd like, but the important thing is to stay passionate, stay curious and get back to it. Better late than never.

When you're getting started, let yourself try. If you get it wrong, at least you'll be one step closer to getting it right.

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

[phantomarine]

Hey what were you trying to say in your “it gets good at page 1001” post

Was it more of a comment directed at yourself ( self degradation), is it satire about perfectionism,

Is it supposed to be inspirational for Beginners webcomic creators, or we’re you just in a bad mood?

More of a warning against self-sabotage, because I see it so much. Sometimes it's tied to perfectionism, sometimes it's the opposite - people surrendering to imperfection when they don't really have to.

Creator chat incoming. I'll put it under the deelybob for anyone who wants to read it 👇

I've been in the webcomic sphere for several years now and I've seen so many people introduce their comic with 'I know it's very long and not easy to read, and I won't be going back and changing anything about what I've already made - but please critique it so I can make the rest of the pages better and attract a bigger audience from now on.'

And that's a hard thing to respond to. If a reader can't get through all those existing pages without being confused or bored, then how can they get to the good stuff that lies past them?

So much of gaining an audience is about actively making it easy to 'fall into' a work. Without that easy entry point, it's always going to be an uphill battle to build an audience, no matter how good the later chapters get. There are outliers, but most webcomics won't be those outliers, especially with thousands of them available nowadays. Some people love the grind, but most people will jump to a new tab and try to find something less frustrating.

And webcomic creation is particularly cursed by its very nature. Creators are hesitant to go back and edit pages, even once they've figured out more details about their craft or story structure. It's mostly because of the seeming permanence of it all - the art takes ages and the words feel unchangeable if even one other person has read them. To go back and edit is to publicly admit your failings, right? That's how it feels. What do you MEAN you didn't get it right the first time? You were supposed to do it live, and do it PERFECTLY!

But ideally it shouldn't be any different than prose writing, which is ALL ABOUT finding the story in those edits. And because your story is digital, you can go back and change things whenever you feel like it. A webcomic is fluid.

And if you're thinking 'I should just redraw my whole first chapter' - NO! Hell no, old art can be a part of the appeal! It's far more about finding little tricks to convey your story/characters more clearly. I have read some first chapters with janky art that made me fall completely in love with the story and cast. It's not about the art - as with all things comic-related, it's about conveyance.

Examples I've seen and some I've used myself: A single extra page with a meaningful interaction can solidify the theme of a character's arc. One additional 5-to-10-page scene can help add visual context for an offscreen event where there was none before. Adding a map can tell people where the characters currently are. Changing a character design can help if they get often confused with another character. Redoing your lettering to make it more legible is a huge one too.

In the end, I just don't want people to be afraid of small edits. When I got feedback about the bad clarity of my own work, I knew it would take some time to fix those problems. It wasn't fun to think about or to do, but I'm glad I did it in the end - because it would have limited my audience tremendously. With just a bit of extra effort, I opened a door that wasn't there before, and it now leads more people even more easily to 'the good stuff.'

tl;dr You started your webcomic for a reason, and you're learning more things about its characters, story, and craft every day. Don't be afraid to go back to old pages and inject some of that wisdom through editing. Even a little can go a long way.

***Caveat: If your goal is to just create chaotically, with no goal of gaining an audience, you are a wild and free little thing, and I am in awe of you. This whole rant doesn't apply to you, and you are stronger than me.

[dancinglikebutterflywings]

500 Followers = 500 Words Event: Jisung

No More Games.

-> Pairing: Han Jisung x gf!reader

-> Requested by: Anon

-> Prompt:  No. 10 - “I think we should end things here. It’s for the best.” 

-> Warnings: Pouty Jisung. One joke about Minho being the love of Jisung's life. Don't take it literally. I don't do the whole shipping thing but it's clear Minho is Jisung's safe space and soulmate, they remind me of me and my bestie a lot (I'm a lot like Jisung when it comes to anxiety and introvertedness). My bestie is my soulmate and we joke that we're each others platonic wife's. I also think if female friends can have friendships like that without being labeled anything, that men should be allowed to as well. I originally planned to have this angsty but it's his birthday. I couldn't bring myself to write angst.

-> Word Count: 533

-> Requests: Closed

-> Tag List: Open. Send me an ask or fill out this form - Tag List Form.

500 Words Event M.List | Jisung Masterlist | Stray Kids Masterlist

“I think we should end things here. It’s for the best.” Y/N says, reaching to gather the game pieces. She had just won her fifth round, and she could sense her boyfriend's frustration mounting with every loss.  

Jisung stares at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, clearly taken aback by her suggestion to stop the game. He was hoping to keep playing until he could win at least one round.  

"Wait, why? We're just getting started!" He sulks, his voice a mix of disbelief and disappointment. 

Y/N pauses, her hand hovering over the game pieces. She glances across the coffee table at him, taking in the way his brows are furrowed and the way his lips are pouted slightly. 

"Jisung," she begins, her voice softening, "You were practically fuming over there a minute ago."  

He shakes his head, his expression one of determination. This is his girlfriend’s favourite game. He’s been learning to play it so it could be something they do together when she can’t meet up with her friends which had been often lately. "I’ve been learning how to play so you can still play it when you're not with your friend. I also took every free moment that I had to practice. I just need one more chance to show you that I can play this game!" A hint of desperation appeared in his eyes. 

Y/N can’t help but smile at his little confession. “But it’s your birthday. We should be doing something you want to do.” 

“I’m already doing what I want to do,” he assures her. “I spent the day with the boys and now I’m spending the rest of my birthday with the love of my life.” 

“Minho’s here?” she asks pretending to look for her boyfriend’s boyfriend. 

“Hahaha,” he laughs sarcastically.  

“I’m just kidding,” She chuckles and leans over and placing a soft peck to his lips. “But seriously, let’s do something you want to do.”  

"What I want to do is play one more round of this game," he insists. 

“One more round,” she concedes, holding her hand up with one finger raised. “But if you lose again, we are putting the game away and doing something else.”  

His face breaks into a wide grin, his disappointment melting away. He leans forward to reset the pieces on the board, his eyes sparkling with determination. “I’m so going to win this time. I can feel it!”  

As they begin a new round, Y/N can’t help but admire the way Jisung’s focuses, his brow furrowing in concentration as he bites his lip. She watches him, so much affection her heart swells. If she were an anime character, there would be love hearts drawn in her eyes, showing how much love she has for him. 

“You know, you’re really cute when you’re all serious like this,” she teases, her heart eyes now twinkling with mischief.  

He glances up at her, a soft blush creeping onto his cheeks. “Stop it! I’m just trying to concentrate here,” he retorts, but there's a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

©️ 2024 dancinglikebutterflywings - do not copy/modify/repost anywhere. reblog instead

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[writingquestionsanswered]

Trouble Making Stories Work

Anonymous asked: I keep getting stuck on ideas. I can pick out one base idea to work with but can't get further than that. I could get an idea for a external conflict, but no ideas for the characters or stakes. It doesn't matter if I get an idea for a conflict first, a character, a world, or a "what if" scenario, it all just stops after that. Do I just not have enough creativity? I've been wondering if storytelling is for me at all... I have read your Creative Well stuff multiple times. I do have one, but it doesn't always have what I need. And it takes time for things to get added. If I'm working on a story and get stuck, I need ideas as soon as possible. I can't really use my time watching movies and going on walks and hope for some ideas when I need them when I'm finally at my computer trying to write. It's not often I'm able to get myself to do it.

(Ask has been edited for length...)

If you make sure your creative well is full, and stays full, and you still struggle with ideas in the moment, the problem is that you don't have a solid enough understanding of how stories work. The ideas don't go anywhere because you don't know what to do with them. You don't have a solid enough grasp on internal conflict, external conflict, motivation, goals, internal wound, plot points, story structure, character development, and world building to know where to take each idea. It's a little bit like loving cars but trying to design one without knowing anything about car construction.

I really wish I could just say "do this" or "do that" and it would magically solve the problem, but there's no quick solution. You'll have to spend some time learning about your craft before you can bring these ideas into full stories. The more books you read or listen to, the more you'll understand how stories work. You can also read writing books and articles, and watch writing videos.

While you're doing that, you can continue to work on your current stories. Pushing your brain to come up with solutions is actually helpful, and the more you fill your brain with craft knowledge, the easier those solutions will come. Here are some posts that will help in the meantime:

Fleshing Out Plot Ideas Turning a Barrage of Ideas into a Plot How to Turn Ideas into a Story Finding a Story in Characters and Setting Finding a Plot to Go with Characters/Setting Can Come Up with a Back Story but No Plot Want to Write but Can’t Come Up with a Plot Guide: How to Turn Ideas into a Story Guide: Starting a New (Long Fiction) StoryGuide: Filling in the Story Between Known Events Guide: How to Outline a Plot Basic Story Structure Beginning a New Story How to Move a Story Forward Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories Understanding Goals and Conflict

Happy writing!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[vastderp]

I Had A Baby Brother

My brother was found dead last tuesday in his apartment.

He died anywhere from Sunday to Monday, and his landlord got worried and checked up on him and found him on the floor with one hand over his face. There was an open jug of methanol nearby. My sister thinks he drank it, I pray he didn't. It was an ugly, fucked up death.

He was in declining health this past decade because he was a paraplegic and uncontrolled diabetic. There are systems in place to help with low income people in his condition, but they were barred from him as he was a convicted felon.

He went from learning to walk again in the physical therapy pool to drinking a gallon of vodka per day, growing more hostile and bitter as the pain got worse, until his body just gave out. He drove away his friends, he drove away his family, and then he hit the floor and never got up.

I was meant to view the body with my sister and her grown kids, but the funeral home couldn't tell us where his body had been sent, and stopped answering the phone on friday before memorial day weekend, and then we had to wait for someone to follow up on my sister's dozens of phone messages, which they finally did, to try and make their little profit.

My sister, who has been handling all of this along with my niece, selected a different funeral home for the cremation because the first one was disgraceful with my mother's death in 2007, and they're disgraceful all over again with my brother's now.

At one point today they finally established contact, and asked how my sister wanted to handle the arrangements for her "father". O how casual the not giving a fuck goes! Dude pressed to make a sale even after she told him how unhappy we were with their work.

All this to say that I have a car full of inherited possessions, unused medical gear, and the shitty fucked up remnants of my brother's shrine to Mom.

Good old Mom may have died almost 20 years ago, but her gentle, loving mission to smother her only son to death (and probably into eternity) is finally successful. Of all of us, I've often wondered who got it worst: The golden child, the scapegoat, or the parentalized invisible middle kid. Now that one of us has effectively committed suicide, I guess it's for the scapegoat and me to hash out who gets second place. My mother crippled him long before his car accident, in one long and winding but uninterrupted line of consequences from his birth to death. I consider it a murder-suicide. Which was which? They were both the killer, and both the victim. Enmeshment is a motherfucker.

I'm super bitter, really fucking sad, and incredibly proud of what's left of my family for how they're coming together now. (Except my dad, who is in another state, petting his dogs, because I don't think he can really deal with this shit).

So what's left? To go put some cologne on his corpse when they finally let us go view what's left of him. He always liked to smell nice and he probably doesn't right now.

They'll cremate him, and give us a ridiculously heavy cardboard box of ashes that we'll have to carry out, knowing it's all that's left of a lifetime of struggling and pain. Probably we're gonna mix his ashes with Mom's, and make that lifetime of enmeshment official.

I hope if they go to the same afterlife, he kicks her in the cooter. I hope she kicks him back. I hope they can see each other with eyes unclouded by trauma, and forgive each other for the choices they both made. I hope they forgive me for still being mad at them both for not being stronger. I hope I will forgive myself for a lifetime of resentment and blame. I sure got enough time for that.

Jason was funny, weird, secretly really smart but never made a point of it. He was stylish. He was a broken man who could have made better choices and didn't, who was happily fed poison until he couldn't live without it, who was basically his own whole ass Pink Floyd song. His violence sent me running into a better life. His death sent me trudging back into a damaged family with gaping holes like torn out teeth, into the arms of my sister, and we reconciled. There's just us two left now, and it's our job to make something beautiful come out of this jerry springer childhood we shared. We're doing our best.

Dozens of catheters still in the package. Leakproof bed padding in a plaid pattern. Gallons of creams, antacids, fiber supplements by the jar, pressure sore ointments, fungus treatment creams, lidocaine pads, antibiotics, antipsychotics, a hash pipe or two.

An entire apartment hoarded with moist towelettes, pressure garments, and cleaning supplies. An entire life choked with mental damages and crying relatives. I put on CeeLoo Green's "Robin Williams" and sobbed until my face felt burned. It helped.

All the usable/safe to give away medical equipment is being distributed to the other impoverished disabled people in his apartment complex, who will hopefully put it to good use. I got his old manual wheelchair because sometimes I can't walk. I'm terrified of becoming more like him, so back to phsycial therapy I go.

The rest?

The memories, the pity, the jug of methanol that I pray he never actually drank, the stain he left on his floor after a lifetime of compulsive tidiness, the shrine to the woman he killed who also killed him? All these things I will keep with me forever. I will honor him. He could have been so much more, for so much longer. He had a whole story I'll never know. He contained incredible kindness and generosity, and also a rage so deep it was fatal. He was only 41.

If you can spare a couple bucks for the gofundme my niece set up, it'd really help make the financial side of this horseshit a little more bearable while we do all the shit that comes with a death. Thank you for taking the time to read this post, for your sympathies, and for reading my fucked up family trauma dump. Rest assured there will be more.

Dear god, will there ever be more.

Send help. Send pizza. Send sad hip hop. Hail Atlantis. Hail Jai.

[thenyoumightaswellwrestleangels]

I'm not me anymore (and maybe you're not you)

love is not designed for the cynical - series masterlist here

pairing: jason todd x reader (gender neutral)

length: 1.6k

genre: hurt/comfort, angst (happy ending)

warnings: reader is almost mugged and has zero self-preservation instincts but everything works out, jason doesn't know how to handle being in love, lots of talk of reader grieving jason after his death but it's fine because he's back, reader is vaguely / generally physically unwell

a/n: is this too similar to my dick grayson story? probably but we'll all just have to deal with that, tell me you still like it or I'll cry

It's late - too late for someone like you to be outside in Gotham. But sleep was hard to come by for you and working through the night meant regular trips to the bodega around the corner. You walked back to your apartment complex slowly, stepping one foot pointedly in front of the other as you sipped your energy drink. 

You heard Jason's voice in your head as you walked, slipping into an alley that provided a handy shortcut. 'Avoid the back alleys,' he'd said. 'I want you to be safe.'

And then you died, you thought bitterly. And now you're here but you won't actually be here for me and I had to learn to keep myself safe. And, my god, I'm tired of being safe.

Maybe it was stupid, the way you slouched against the brick wall and took a swig of your drink as the man stood in front of you, knife blade gleaming in the darkness and voice spitting threats and not-so requests for your money. 

You didn't even have a chance to respond, though, before Redhood himself dropped down behind him and put him down.

Jason. Jason. Jason.

But it wasn't Jason who walked towards you, you thought wearily. It was Redhood. And he was angry.

"You didn't even wait for the fun part," you drawled and his fists clenched.

"I'm walking you home," he said gruffly before turning and stomping down the alley, leaving you to follow him.

The two of you stopped by the entrance of your apartment building and you looked up at him, waiting for him to either talk or flee.

"You know you shouldn't be out this late. You're being reckless," he says stiffly.

"I want to talk to you," you respond. "Properly… preferably when I can see your face."

"I'm… working right now."

"Well yes," you sigh, "but presumably you stop at some point. Come by after. Please. I'll only ask you for this one thing." He straightens at that, a surprised sort of gesture, before reaching his hand towards you as if to cup your cheek the way he so often used to. He seemed to think better of it halfway through, though, as he let his hand drop back to his side.

"You can always ask me for what you need. I'm here. I'll… I'll be here."

"So be here. Whenever you're done, come by. I'll be awake." You don't let him respond to that, slipping through the door of your building and pointedly not looking back.

Just as you'd promised, by the time Redhood is standing on your balcony tapping gently on the glass, you're still awake. You look up from your laptop and gesture for him to come in, and he does, pulling his helmet off and sliding the glass door closed behind him before pointedly locking it.

"You shouldn't leave that unlocked. Anyone could get in here," he scolds as he comes to stand in front of you, eyeing the way you sit straight-backed on your couch.

You shrug. "It doesn't bother me." Jason opens his mouth to respond as his fists clench, and your eyes flicker to the duffle bag he has slung across his shoulder.

"You can shower first if you want," you say, nodding your head towards your hall. "I'm in no rush." Jason doesn't move, though. He stands, his eyes tracing over you silently in a way that makes you lean back from his gaze.

"You haven't slept yet?" he asks.

"Neither have you," you shoot back. He huffs and tightens his grip on the helmet in his hand.

"I'll be quick," is all he offers before stomping down your hallway towards your bathroom.

Sure enough, it's not long before he's padding back into your living room, t-shirt and sweats replacing his Redhood gear and hair damp and curling. You close your laptop and set it on the coffee table when he comes in, sitting across from you on the couch.

"Should I start?" you say quietly. "Or do you want to?"

"I'm sorry," he offers gently, and you feel the air leave your lungs a bit. "I'm sorry I didn't come for you when I got back. I'm sorry you had to be the one to call Bruce and find out what happened from him. I just…"

"It's ok, Jay." Your smile is small and sad and makes Jason's fingers twitch in an effort not to reach for you. "I left. I never expected you to chase me. And I didn't… I took my time coming back, you know. It's ok."

"Are you… back?" Jason asks tentatively, shifting where he sits. "Are you staying?"

You shrug. "I bought an apartment, didn't I?"

"That's not an answer."

"Well, I didn't call you here to talk about my life plans."

"What do you want to talk about, then?"

"I just… want to know what you want from me?"

"What?" Jason asks, bewilderment clear in his voice. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Jay," you sigh. "I know you're around, watching me, looking out for me. But… I've been back in Gotham for a month and that's all you've done. I just want to know what you want."

Jason sights, a little oh escaping his lips as he slumps down into the couch cushions. 

"Nothing changed for me," he explains quietly, keeping his eyes trained on the empty space between the two of you. "There was you, always, and then I died. I came back… and it was still you. It wasn't… it hadn't been three years for me. Not really."

"I understand," you soothe gently.

"But - for you it was. For you, three years had passed and your boyfriend was dead and you moved away and I - I had to assume that was so you could build a new life for yourself and… I was there. I heard you on the phone that night with Bruce, saying you missed Gotham with or without me." You inhale sharply at Jason's words and he looks at you with big eyes.

"Hey, no -" he says quickly. "I'm not mad, baby. Never. I'm never mad at you. I just… I thought maybe you'd moved on. It would make sense for you to move on. But then you came back and I saw you and…" Jason trails off, looking you up and down again and you can't help but shrink back ever so slightly, aware of the ways in which you'd deteriorated since he'd been gone.

"I was just so worried about you," he continued. "I wanted to look out for you, that's all. I understand if you've moved on and don't love me anymore - really, I do. But I… I still love you. And I just - I want you to be safe. That's all."

You stare at him after that, letting him shift around in apprehension while your eyes get wide and your bottom lip trembles.

"Oh, Jason," you whisper before reaching out to him. He makes a small, alarmed sound at the tears that have begun dripping down your cheeks and pulls himself towards you instead of letting you reach out into empty space. His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he considers just how many times over the past three years you reached out into nothing, wishing he was there for you to hold on to.

"Hey…" he says gently as you pull him closer, hands fisting his t-shirt and face buried in his neck. He smoothes a hand over your hair and wraps the other around your waist, anchoring you to him as he feels hot tears on his skin where your face is pressed against him.

"You're an idiot," you mumble against him and he huffs out a quiet laugh. You pull away from him and he reluctantly lets you, holding your hips tightly as you stare at him, cupping his face firmly in your hands to make sure he looks at you.

"There was never an after you, Jay," you say, voice warbling slightly with more unshed tears. "It was always, always you. Forever. I'm… I'm sorry I ran away." 

"Well," Jason drawls, but you don't miss the thickness in his own voice and the way his eyes blink back tears. "In your defence, people usually stay dead longer than I did." You huff at that, a smile twitching against the corners of your mouth as you lean back into him. You bury your face back into his neck and hum appreciatively as his arms wrap back around you, holding you tightly to him.

"I'm sorry for acting like that in the alley," you murmur against his skin and he drops a kiss on the top of your head.

"Don't apologize for that, baby. You always have been tough on the outside."

"Yea but you did all that work to get through it when we first got together," you whined. "Now it's gone."

"No way," Jason responds lightly. "This, right here," he continues as he tightens his arms around you, "this is it, sweetheart. And besides… nothing would make me happier than getting to know you again."

"Yea?" your voice is cautious in a way that makes Jason tenderly pull your head away from his neck so he can press kisses across your face.

"Yea," he says sweetly. "Neither of us are the people we used to be, and we both know that. It'll take some time for us to relearn each other."

"Yea," you sigh. "I guess it will."

"Aw, cheer up baby," he says gently. "This is the good part. How lucky is it that we get to do it all over again, huh?"

"Yea," you say, the faintest hint of a laugh leaving your lip and making Jason's heart swell in his chest. "It's nice to have this back."

"Yea it is baby," Jason agrees as he cups your cheek in one of his hands, guiding your lips to his. "It's nice to have this back."

[reidfucker]

two left feet

dr. spencer reid knows how to dance. keyword, knows how to — not that he's any good at actually, physically performing it.

or dr. spencer reid asks you to waltz with him.

an itty bitty reid drabble as i try to familiarize myself with tumblr. no beta or second thoughts at all !!! i typed all of this out experimentally. (update: edited it a tad :–D)

oh, and spencer is a trans man. it's not explicitly stated or dwelt upon, but i hope you know.

once reid gets into something, he gets into it. lately, he's been reading up on dancing: in particular, the waltz.

in his silently agreed on corner of the couch, with his feet in your lap as you sat beside him. you see him reading the waltz book, whatever that entailed.

it wasn't uncommon for spencer to be interested by things he completely hadn't dabbled in the past. he usually accumulated facts on a multitude of topics, storing each trinket of knowledge for later use. though, he hardly ever applied those skills after getting familiar with them.

this time, he closes the book, thinking to himself. you can't help but giggle to yourself and wonder, what is so thought-provoking about the waltz? but reid finds something to ponder on even in the most mundane things, so there's no need to question.

"hm." reid hums, getting your attention.

"spence?" you can visibly see his train of thought derail.

"oh– um– i was just wondering if..." he considers his words, "i was just going to ask if you'd like to dance with me."

you grin, "aw, of course. who am i to decline you?"

"um... i'm no good yet. but hey, what's learning without trying?" he gives a shy smile, getting on his feet pushing up his reading glasses, instead of taking them off. you told him he looked cute in glasses, and he'd look cute nonetheless, but you noticed he wears them more often now.

"what songs go well with the dance you have in mind?" you say, browsing through your cd collection.

"would it be cliché if i said 'cant help falling in love' by elvis presley?" spencer stands slightly behind you, sort of waiting for you.

"yeah... very cliché. but it's okay, i'll play it anyway." you can't help but grin at how anxious he is about nearly everything.

"well, it's because my mother loves that song. well, used to, now she can hardly remember things."

you turn to him once the cd is in place, "you don't need to explain yourself to me, spencer. i like the song." you reassure him, "now... shall we dance?" you hold a hand out.

spencer gladly takes your hand, gladly taking charge. you've never danced before, and it's evident that spencer hasn't either, but strangely, you feel like the ceramic couples spinning together inside a music box.

he closes his eyes, following the rhythm, visualizing the images from the textbook.

what a mind, you think. it would be nice to live inside his brain: to know every thought before it's fully processed, to see what images flash through his mind, to watch the connections between lines from books and quotes an unsub dropped.

on the other hand, you don't know what you're doing. spencer's eyes flutter open and closed every once in a while and he oh-so-softly laughs whenever he commits a mistake. you consider kissing him, but you don't want to interrupt this brilliant mind at work.

once he's comfortable enough with the pace, he leans his forehead on your shoulder, transitioning into slow dancing. you wrap your arms around his waist, and you just melt together.

rocking you back and forth just in time with the rhythm, he whispers in your ear, "you know, waltzing was considered... scandalous back in the day. couples danced in what they called 'closed position,' they were practically, uh, pelvis to pelvis."

you chuckle, giving him a nod. he feels you nod and takes it as a sign he's good to continue.

"yeah, up until the waltzes of strauss, it was deemed inappropriate. i get that, 'the blue danube' is such a beautiful song, it's hard to pass up the opportunity to... y'know..."

reid rambles on, whispering to you all throughout, as if he were professing his love for you. and in his own little way, you knew he was.

he takes a few (many) awkwardly timed steps, and even you can admit your bodies don't flow together seamlessly. but really, it isn't half-bad.

[drdemonprince]

How do you tell if someone is interested in you? In the past I've had a hard time telling if someone has been romantically interested in me, and it's only been in retrospect or when talking to mutuals or hearing it from the person that I've learned that they were interested in me, and perceived my reactions as disinterest. I've also occasionally interpreted behaviors as signs of interest incorrectly which has led to awkward situations and even loss of friendships.

Especially when it comes to friends, I just want to know how to ask if someone is interested in me or express interest in them without destroying the friendship. Obviously a hard situation so don't expect a magic solution but would be curious if you have advice!

There is no foolproof way to know if a person is attracted to you, which is why we have the power of overt communication.

Just check in with your own desires first, and then communicate about it! Are you interested in the person? That is reason enough to consider expressing your feelings, but doubly so if you have received some signals that suggest they like you. It's much better to clear the air than to spend months or years trying to decode messages and working yourself up into a lather over all the intrigue.

You can ask the person if they are interested in you, or you can ask them if they meant any particular gesture in a flirtatious way. I've had friends ask me that before, and even when the answer was no, we were fine! It's a cishet allistic nonsense myth that communicating openly about desire will "ruin" a friendship. What ruins a friendship is a tangled web of unspoken projections and longings forming beneath the surface for years without anybody feeling free to name what is happening.

Sitcoms be damned, you can literally just ask a person "is this a date" or "I've noticed you've been touching me on the arm a lot lately, are you flirting with me?" or "We have a really strong friendship chemistry, have you ever wanted something more?" or "I love our friendship and I'm so very happy with it, but I'd also like to pursue dating you, if you were into it." or the like. These are all perfectly fine things to say to a person, things that I've heard and responded to before or known friends to have said.

I have had many friends that I was attracted to, or who were attracted to me -- and none of us died from not getting to fuck one another, nor did any of us go crazy from unrequited desire. I've never felt creeped out by a friend being into me, and when they have brought this attraction up, I was relieved to be able to convey to them when I wasn't available or interested myself. Open communication meant they could stop wondering about it and I could stop worrying that I was somehow accidentally giving romantic signals off. I tend to be expressive and attentive to people I care about, and I don't want to have to reign that in or become artificially cold for fear of seeming flirtatious. It's better to just talk about.

And when i've had a burning desire for a friend who wasn't into me, all I've had to do is make sure I behave respectfully to them and don't expect anything out of the friendship and then made sure to keep my masturbating about the person a good distance away from the real human being themselves so they didn't have to ever think about it or know that it was happening. sometimes I've sustained close friendships for years while being really into a person who just wasn't into me, and I was able to separate the reality of them from my fantasies. More often than not, the attraction has ebbed and taken on far less urgency once it's no longer an open question and it's clear to me that it's not worth pursuing.

[chaifootsteps]

just me or is the whole 'saying this is like fanfic is homophobia' framing kind of frustrating? like just to list out the tropes that have come up so far in HH/HB:

female character is written as an evil shrew who gets in the way of the m/m pairing

relationship that starts with rape/dubcon rewritten into true love (this one is probably more common in bad BL manga but I'm willing to bet there's some overlap)

character is the child of a mob family

portrayals of rape/sexual assault treated as titillating / used for drama

portrayals of domestic violence/abuse used mainly to get viewers to feel sorry for a character instead of making them sympathetic on their own terms

abusers/rapists being all powerful monsters solely to torture the victim as much as possible

characters are either Good or Bad and writing is heavy handed about driving this point home

writers has one character they stan and baby above all others and not only the writing but the world bends around them as they eat up more and more screentime while the actual main characters are shoved to the side

writer has one character they hate and they hate other people liking them so they derail them in the most obvious way possible

writer has one pairing they despise and go out of their way to make them seem familial to shame the fans who ship it

writer has intended pairings in mind but they just kinda happen regardless of how much work has been put in to give them real chemistry

the plotlines jump all over the place with no consideration given to the differing stakes each create or audience fatigue when too much is introduced at once/too many hanging threads are left, similar to what happens in unplanned serialized fiction. consistency and worldbuilding errors abound. conversations/events that seem like they should change the status quo kinda don't but there's so little way to tell which one is which that audiences cannot gauge the stakes and either stop being invested or just take the show as it comes since there's no point anticipating anything being done with a lot of its characters & plot points

too many characters, often some of whom don't serve much purpose but the writer is way too attached to to ever cut out (looking at you, Andrealphus & Vassago)

characters are rewritten on the fly. due to the lack of planning their arcs start and stop or get quietly dropped when the writer tires of them

pervasive attitude of misogyny - female characters are underwritten, bitches, dumb or accessories to the men. The world revolves around the (usually white) m/m pairing/s

the main premise is dropped in favor of shipping drama or character shilling

etc.

There's probably more but those are the big ones - like s1 wasn't perfect but s2 really does feel like it became fanfic of itself. I understand Viv being frustrated if it seems like a broad dismissive brush instead of specific critiques, but there's a couple of problems here:

when people give specific critiques she either misrepresents their points to frame them as bad faith (tacitly encouraging her fans to do the same), complains people keep making the same point or writes defensive threads about how people just don't get it because, for example, the show totally demonstrates Millie has qualities other than Wife and Violent

when people say something 'feels like fanfic' as far as I've seen they aren't immediately using it as shorthand for 'it has LGBT characters'. usually when they expand on their points what they're getting at is a lack of planning and a lack of experience or competency in the writer that gives the whole thing impression of being done by an amateur who's either young or still learning their craft, or both

it's the same lack of experienced hands that resulted in the opening of Hazbin being so amateurish and lacking the sense of having actual episodes until other staff writers were brought in to clean up the mess

like yeah I don't like the implication that 'fanfic=automatically bad' since I've read some good stuff myself and maybe people could be more specific; but usually this critique is coming from people who actually like fanfic, who've read a lot of it and who recognize the tropes from the worst fanfics out there in Viv's work

Viv's little "Um, actually, fanfic is good and queer and so if you use it as an insult towards my shows, you're homophobic" snit is one of the more rancid things she's said. When you lay it all out like this, it really does go to show how her stories embody all the worst, most harmful tropes bad fanfic -- and bad writing in general -- has to offer.