#i'm not watching it this year - something that is proving extremely difficult for me because of my intense fixation normally

[unclefungusthegoat]

.

[thebloodredraven]

"He's more of a brother to me than you ever were to him."

- Naruto, talking to Itachi about Sasuke

I'm rewatching Naruto as a whole because I'm introducing it to my friend, and I like to watch it every few years as I gain new life experience to get a new perspective of something I've been watching since I was a little kid. I've never finished the series past the very beginning of the war arc, though (working on it!).

We're up to the Tenchi Bridge mission in Shippuden and I have some thoughts on how remarkably similar Naruto and Itachi are, specifically when it comes to their shared trait of unintentionally dehumanizing Sasuke and viewing him as a possession, and an object to obtain, rather than a person with his own autonomy and free will. I also kind of wanna go into how Kakashi and Sakura (kinda) were probably the only people to love him as he was but still ultimately failed him, and how all of them drove him away.

Disclaimer: These are all my own opinions and you're under no obligation to agree with any of it. If any of what I have to say bothers you, you're more than welcome to exit the post at any time and ignore me instead of sending hate mail and leaving heinous comments. Anything you have to say in response can be said respectfully. Thanks!

Words: 2.3k

In episode 41 of Naruto Shippuden, there's a scene where Naruto is in his own mind as he's transforming into the Nine Tailed Fox (Kurama). In this scene, he sees an apparition of Sasuke walking away from him and when he tries to go after him, water floods all around him and he can't get to him. He's falling into his own darkness and giving in to Kurama's influence.

During this scene, he says, "I am weak, so my words don't reach [Sasuke]. Because I am weak, I can't win his recognition. So, whatever happens I must become stronger so that the bond I've finally forged will not be severed. So that Sasuke won't sever the connection with me."

It can be said that the entire reason Naruto is so obsessed with getting Sasuke back is because, as he's stated himself multiple times, he can't confidently fulfill his goal of becoming Hokage if he can't even save his friend from darkness. His entire self-worth rests in the validity that others provide him because he was deprived of that his entire life, and he represses his emotions to the extreme.

It's why he's irrational and dangerous to be around and difficult to work with; it's why he foregoes any plans or strategies people have on almost every single mission he's been sent on from the time he became a ninja till the war and is always the first to attack in these scenarios; it's why he's willing to start giving into the power of Kurama until Yamato tells him how he injured Sakura and how he needed to prove his strength with his OWN power: his need to prove himself to others and get that validation he craves trumps over anything, and anyone, else.

When it comes to Itachi, he told Sasuke that in order to become strong enough to kill him he needed to sever his bonds with those closest to him.

Opposite of Naruto, Itachi kept Sasuke at a distance at all times because of his own goals to rid the world of war and get into a position where he can render ninja obsolete (via Itachi Retsuden). His tunnel vision when it came to his personal goals caused him to disregard how his actions affected other people because he saw it as a means to an end, including slaughtering his own clan and becoming a double spy in the Akatsuki.

When Naruto and Itachi run into each other during the Gaara Retrieval arc, they get to talking about Sasuke.

When Itachi asks why Naruto is so obsessed with Sasuke, Naruto replies with the quote that leads into this post.

I was talking to my friend about Naruto's possessive nature when it comes to Sasuke and that led into be thinking about how Itachi also viewed Sasuke.

I came to the conclusion that neither of these people viewed Sasuke as someone capable of having his own autonomy, his own philosophy, and as someone deserving of having his own personal goals and feelings recognized. Sasuke was always within his full right to end up as hateful and as angry and as hurt as he was, but because Naruto and Itachi care more about their own goals and their own proximity to Sasuke, they don't view him as someone that can make his own decisions; that's why I feel Naruto had such a negative reaction when Orochimaru reminded Naruto that Sasuke came to him of his own free will after Naruto was screaming at him to "give him back." Even after three years, he cannot stomach or accept the fact that Sasuke made the choice to leave him, and it pushes him further into his obsession.

Sasuke made his own decision to go to Orochimaru because he felt like no one else around him genuinely tried to understand what he was going through. They, essentially, just wanted him to let go of his pain and keep living a "happy" life with them. How could they understand when they view him in such a way? Orochimaru was up front with his intentions and his plans for Sasuke from the very beginning. Yes, he was manipulated by the curse mark, but Orochimaru wouldn't have chosen him to begin with if he didn't see what was already in Sasuke.

He was very up front with the fact that he needed Sasuke's body in order to continue living as a powerful being and find immortality. He told Sasuke what the game plan was and knew that in order to get what he wanted, he needed to give Sasuke what everyone else had denied him: a choice. He saw a gifted child filled with jealousy and hatred, which was something fostered by his need to compete with Itachi and Naruto and gave him exactly what he wanted.

Sasuke's entire clan was annihilated by the one person he sought the most validation from. After that heartbreak, he was forced to live in that same Uchiha compound all alone.

While he was dealing with the trauma of that, every single person around him was idealizing him and treating him in a way that probably drove him further into isolation: he was constantly bombarded with girls that were crushing on him and wanting him for his talents and good looks, and the adults around him saw him as the perfect student that didn't need too much attention, so no one paid attention to his needs outside of what he provided in skill. Even though they very much provided the validation and attention he was seeking from his family, no one really bothered to see him.

Naruto was seemingly the only person that actively saw what he was going through because he also knew what that loneliness looked like, but his rivalry with him mattered more than that connection. That's why physical fighting is their form of intimacy. People propped him up on a pedestal from the time he was a small child and when that position was threatened by the least talented kid in his class, it threw him into a spiral (which is another topic).

Getting back to Itachi, he never saw Sasuke as his own person at any point in his life. I know he loved him in his own way. In some ways, he was the somewhat attentive father Sasuke should have had.

But Itachi was not always a good brother. Not in the least.

He always saw him as someone to protect, to coddle, to keep ignorant, keep below him because he subconsciously did not want Sasuke to become a shinobi and go through the same trauma he did (Itachi Retsuden). Eventually, that was no longer an option and that's when the distance happened (in conjunction to what was going on in his own life as a tool that others wanted to use for their own goals).

After Itachi slaughtered the clan, he reinforced Sasuke's lack of autonomy by giving him his own means to an end.

Itachi saw Sasuke as a tool -- a means to his own long, drawn-out suicide.

Naruto viewed Sasuke as the ultimate validation to his own goal to become Hokage.

Neither of them saw Sasuke for who he was or who he wanted to be -- for who he could have been.

I'll even add Sakura to this mix because she has a complicated relationship with him as well. She did end up with him and was his friend before anything, but she’s idolized him to the point of nausea since she was a little girl. She was obsessed with becoming the object of his affection. She had an unhealthy amount of loyalty to him just like Naruto (even though I'd argue she wasn't nearly as bad as Naruto was). She changed her own opinions of something to cater to what he thought so she could seem more favorable to him. For most of their childhood, she dehumanized him and didn't see him as anything other than a love interest for herself.

However.

You can see her slowly taking off the rose-colored glasses in the first part of Naruto during the Chuunin exams at two major points: when she chastised him for acting like a coward and freezing up while Orochimaru beat Naruto, and when she finally cut her hair in the middle of battle (context: she heard that Sasuke loved long hair and that's why she always kept it long).

Beyond that, she actually paid attention to his well-being and noticed when something was wrong or when he was hiding something and brought her concerns up in a non-aggressive manor. At the time, he was aggressive and agitated by her actions, and he reacts as such. Genuine concern is hard to come by for him, so how was he supposed to react?

But clearly, he recognized it and appreciated it because it's been confirmed through his Japanese VA AND English VA AND the novels that Sasuke was starting to fall in love with Sakura long before he realized it and was full of guilt when he left her on that bench.

When the time came to acknowledge that he was an internationally recognized terrorist and killer, the life drained from her face because she realized she had to put her feelings to the side and do what needed to be done.

Because she was willing to accept the reality of who he was and see him for what he'd become. And even though she was unsuccessful, she took steps to have Naruto forget about Sasuke and kill him herself.

At this point, he's learned to use the same tactics people used on him his entire life: only keep people around you that further your own goals. This time, he was in charge. When he formed his own gang, he encountered that dehumanizing behavior again when Karin constantly threw herself at him and practically begged to sleep with him. It was only after Itachi died and he decided to take down the Leaf that he was able to finally have a goal of his own that was solely for him.

I won't go into it too much because I'm already pushing 2k words, but it's worth noting that Sasuke was pushed to do crime because that was the only period of time where he was allowed to make his own decisions and have his own autonomy enough to pursue his OWN goals before that was swiftly taken away by The Akatsuki to....you guessed it, further their own goals.

Sasuke has never been the idol the people in proximity to him saw him as, from any person's point of view. Not Naruto, not Itachi, not Sakura, not Orochimaru, no one. Obito may have been the one closest to seeing Sasuke as he was, but he immediately took advantage of him.

They all wanted to possess him and obtain him in different ways, and one of the reasons I love his dynamic with Kakashi so much is because Kakashi did grow up very similarly to Sasuke, except his own dad died of his own accord and Sasuke’s father was taken away from him.

One of the main ways Kakashi has always been able to connect to Sasuke was the fact that throughout his life he’s had to watch every single person he’s ever cared about die around him. And for a while he was that cold detached person that didn’t want to keep up with friends, didn’t want to be around people, minded his business, and he was mean to everybody.

The whole reason he gave Sasuke that speech about choosing his own path right before he went to Orochimaru was because he intimately understood what he was going through emotionally.

Naruto and Sakura can say they get where he’s coming from, but Kakashi is really the only person able to empathize with what Sasuke was going through. And if Kakashi hadn’t been consistently sent out on missions and was able to take care of his kids the way he was supposed to, there was a slight chance Sasuke could have still healed from his trauma even with the manipulation of the curse mark. 

People forget that Kakashi very well could have ended up on the same path as Sasuke, even without Orochimaru’s influence, because he went through some very dark things. He had every reason to be a very dark character, but he didn’t.

He ultimately failed when he spoke to Sasuke as a soldier and not the traumatized child that was acting out on his pain.

In summary, Sasuke only went to the lengths that he did because of the people around him treating him as a possession to keep or as an object to obtain rather than treating him as an actual person. Sasuke goes through some of the most dehumanizing relationships, and I think that’s what irritates me so much about Naruto as a character.

Because he treats Sasuke, and he talks about him, like he’s a possession to obtain and because someone else “has” him, he has to get him back because Sasuke is his and his only. This extends to other characters around him, as well.

That lack of autonomy was what drove Sasuke away because he very clearly wanted to be seen as his own person but no one around him was willing to do that because they saw him as a means to their own goals. It's why Sasuke developed a "do you really think I give a fuck about what you want" personality trait.

All that being said, do I think they all genuinely loved him? Yes.

Ultimately, we have to remember that these are all small-town children with very little experience of the outside world and that the adults around him grew up in the same conditions because that's what the politics of that world demanded.

I have my opinions about the manga's imperialist propaganda, use of child soldiers, Sasuke's emotional development and how people chronically misunderstand complex PTSD, fascism, queer baiting, etc. but that's another post. Several others, actually.

Believe it or not, I had to shave down a lot of what I originally had in order to keep this relatively short LMAO

If y'all read all of this, THANK YOU! I rarely ever flesh out my thoughts about this show like this and it felt refreshing to get off my chest. Feel free to send me DMs and RESPECTFULLY speak your own mind in the comments/reblogs! ♥

[djpisskink]

in most cases of schizo spectrum disorders, the age of onset tends to occur during young to later adulthood, on average. knowing that doesn't make looking back on my younger self any less mind boggling. i had so much drive, i was such an emotional child who would cry for hours, didn't matter if it was over a sad story or something bad that happened to me, or even something happy. i wanted to be liked so badly, the sting of rejection from my peers felt like the world was crashing around me. i'd binge watch anime, make fan art, practice drawing, pump out several fanfiction chapters a week, play games and make friends online, without mentioning the hours spent on roleplaying sites.

that knowledge also opens my eyes to the small warning signs. being bullied and rejected by people who were supposed to be my support systems ever since i was a small child made me grow up into a cynical angry jerk with a faux unbothered facade. i learned that if i pushed my reactions and feelings down, people would quickly leave me alone. if i hid my "real self" and separated it from the world, becoming a spectator instead of a performer in it, people wouldn't have power over it anymore. in short, people would always prove themselves to be utterly unreliable in one way or another.

over the years, i learned to leave first. to critically analyze myself, and others, and the situations at hand, to the point where nowdays it's extremely difficult for me to truly immerse myself in a situation. i grew a resentment towards the idea of being caged, of being at the mercy of other people and their feelings and ideas. i had been deprived of true freedom for so long that once i tasted a drop of it, i decided then and there that i never wanted to go back.

nowdays it's difficult for me to do much of anything, or at least care enough to do so. if i wasn't audhd i doubt there would be much pushing me to do the scarce things i already indulge in. the fact that i seem secure in myself and who i am, mixed with my inability to judge others with its roots in indifference and a mind limited by logic, makes me be perceived as someone reliable. but i'm really not. i've hurt people because of the way that i am, and it's not something i want to do. in some cases it's unavoidable though.

at the end of the day, i like being schizoid. learning to navigate the world and other people with this brain is both the easiest and most laborious thing i've ever done. i don't think i'll ever be able to truly show all parts of myself to others, but then again i don't think most people can.

i'd just like to be content with what i have. i want to genuinely like being here, every day. that's what i want. and sometimes that sounds impossible, but i believe that child still lives in me, somewhere. and if it could do at least some of it, even while carrying all that hurt, then i think i can, too.

[ilovetheriddler]

Horror Movie Marathon.

(BTAS) Jonathan Crane x F!Reader.

Word Count: 660.

Contents: Jonathan overworking himself, Fluff, kissing.

You carefully set out all the dvds that you had prepared in advance for tonight. You wanted to try and organize a date around some of Jonathan's interests. However, that proved to be a bit difficult because of his more unusual tastes. But you ultimately decided that because of his fascination with fear that a horror movie marathon would probably be enjoyable.

You wondered if he'd appreciate your attempt at a nice date. Would he actually enjoy horror movies? You weren't fully sure, but you really hoped that he would. You had ultimately reasoned that with his overall interest in fear that he'd probably be able to at least appreciate the movies on an artistic standpoint.

You've been looking forward to this night for a few weeks now. You and Jonathan had been dating for almost a year and a half now. However, you were hardly ever able to spend time together. He was always working on his fear toxin and coming up with plans on how to use it, or he was getting thrown into Arkham after batman had caught him, or he was escaping Arkham... Again. Honestly, he was always preoccupied with something.

You were snapped out of your train of thoughts as you heard the door to Jonathan's office open. His hair was quite disheveled, and his eyes looked tired. He had clearly been working away nonstop on his latest plans. He walked into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee in an attempt to keep himself awake slightly longer.

"Jon..? Don't tell me that you've been working in there since earlier this morning without a single break?"

"I have to, my dear. If I want my plan to go perfectly, then I need to enact them at the best time possible, so it needs to be finished in time."

You felt a bit disappointed and also worried for Jonathan's health if he kept working away at this rate. You knew and understood how important his research into fear and how it affected people was. He was extremely passionate about it, in fact. it's definitely not in the best of ways, but that was just one of the many things that made him... him.

He noticed that you appeared to be slightly disappointed about something, so he sighed and ran his hand through his hair before asking you about it.

"What’s wrong, my dear?"

"Oh... well, I suppose I'm just a bit worried about you.... are you sure you can't take a break...? Not even for just a little bit..?"

"....are you really dead set on having me take a break?"

"....Absolutely."

He sighed and reluctantly sat down on the couch next to you. It was then that he noticed the stack of movies and the bowl of popcorn that was setting on the coffee table. You wanted him to spend time with you. Honestly, he was somewhat less irritated about taking a brief break when he realized that. A slight smile broke out on his face.

"....A horror movie marathon...? That's what you want to spend your time doing with me?"

"Well... it's just... I know how much you like fear and stuff... so I thought you'd appreciate it...."

It warmed his heart that you wanted to try and do something he'd enjoy. Horror movies weren't exactly something he was too invested in. After all, they paled in comparison to the genuine fear that he had witnessed in people's eyes whenever he used his fear toxin. But they were still somewhat enjoyable. He leaned in closer to you and gently kissed your lips.

"Thank you, my dear. I appreciate the gesture."

After about an hour of watching them, you realized that Jonathan had fallen asleep next to you, clearly because of how much he'd been overworking himself with his plans. So you decided not to wake him. You adjusted the blanket to cover him better before kissing his forehead.

"... Goodnight Jon, I love you...."

[milkmissiles]

♡Boyfriend Denki headcanons♡

This is my first post hope ya'll enjoy! Sorry if there's any misspellings♡

-CW- implied spicy, fluff, fluff, and more fluff.

Denki x GN reader

Denki as your Boyfriend would be so, so wholesome.

Like imagine him just absolutely doting on you constantly. You mentioned you liked a certain brand of lip balm once in passing conversation? Well you better Like it for the rest or your life 'cause every time your almost out he buys you like 10 more.

Buys you flowers on every date that he thinks "match the vibe."

If he sees a dandelion on the side of the side walk, he picks it, placing it behind your ear. Then he'll pull you in, giving you a quick smooch on the lips, interlocking his fingers with yours, swinging your arms happily as you continue walking.

If you question his motives, he'll say something cheesy like, "it compliments your beautiful eyes~" or "because it was pretty, but it pales in comparison to your beauty~"

You roll your eyes but a blush spreads across your face, proving his flattery works to some degree.

If you are ever feeling insecure he would take the expression "kiss it better" to an extreme.. he would absolutely worship your body. Peppering kisses on any part you are insecure of. Every few minutes asking if you take it back... you should really take it back otherwise it will be a looooong night...

He is mesmerized by everything you do. Whether it be cooking, cleaning, or even just playing video games on your phone..

He would watch you complete the most basic tasks, a soft grin plastered on his face as he follows you with his eyes. Burning your image into his mind.

He would come up behind you, hugging you from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder. "Are you done yeeeet? I'm boooreeed~" He would groan burying his face in your neck, breathing onto your skin

"If you do that it'll end up taking me longer..." you would respond, an annoyed smile on tour face. It inevitably does take you longer.. you find out pretty soon after you start dating Denki that doing anything with a bored, in love Denki hanging on your back is very, very difficult.

When you finally finish cleaning and agree to cuddle. he would fall down onto the couch, dragging you with him. He would wrap his arms around you and turn on a show for you two to watch. Admittedly you wouldn't really be paying attention. Much preferring to relax into Denki's arms and take a bit of a nap.

While you two are chilling, he would totally give you little love zaps, to let you know he's still there and he loves you♡.

Denki would take you on so many dates, movie theater dates, resteraunt dates, dates in the park, dates on the beach, coffee shop dates... the list goes on and on. But your first date in particular he planned weeks ahead..

I mean, your kinda one of the first people to say yes to a date with him after all... how could he not go all out?

On your first date, Denki was so, so nervous. He was so scared he would mess up. He planned for sooo long that you were starting to think he changed his mind.

He texted you, telling you to meet him outside the dorms. Before you two walked to the date location..

When you got to the spot, you saw a picnic blanket layed out on a grassy hill.. the trees delicately laced with fairy lights. There was a bottle of champagne, (the cheapest one he could find...) with two champagne flutes on the picnic blanket. Along with sandwiches cut into perfect triangles.

There was also a bunch of paint and two little wooden boxes. And a box of pocky... (he's a flirt give him a break.)

He led you to the blanket motioning for you to sit down before pouring you a glass of champagne.

You two sat there for hours, laughing, and chatting. You painted your little boxes that at the end of the night would be given to eachother.. the cheap little wooden box that Denki painted for you with little lightning bolts scattered around it finding a home on your bedside table for years to come..

After you painted he suggested playing the pocky game.. you got all flustered but honestly he was more flustered. Especially when you agreed which he honestly was not expecting at all.

You played the pocky game, your lips brushing against eachother.. he leaned in a bit, biting off the pocky..

"Can I kiss you..?"

He asked quietly, quieter than you've ever heard him talk before.

When you agreed he leaned in, kissing you softly. Not a long kiss but a very genuine one. His usual flirty behavior dimmed down significantly. His cheeks flushed and he pulled away quickly, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling at you. Trying so desperately to hide his nerves.. it doesn't work.. he's beat red...

By the end of the night your walking home, hand in hand. Having a conversation so deep it was almost uncomfortable.. until then you had no idea Denki could be like this..

At the end of the day. I think denki would be an amazing, loving, flirty, doting boyfriend.

[celaenaeiln]

I always love how heros only kill if there really is no other options. Even then, their deeply disturbed or torn up about it. Killing is easy. But seeing a criminal as a person at the end of the day is much harder. It takes an unfathomable amount of strength to keep this going. It won't always work and it's not easy. But there's a difference between right and easy.

Oh me too!!

Anon you have no idea how much I’ve thought about this over the past five years and come to the same conclusion every time.

There are two reasons why I like that heroes only kill as an extreme necessity.

The first is what you said. It's extremely difficult to be able to control yourself in the face of repulsiveness. Some I do believe are irredeemable but many characters are not worth killing. Because there's a lot that goes into killing. It's not just about moral ethics for me, it's also about how that impacts society. I don't know if you've seen the show "The Boys", but it's about heroes who kill. Originally they kill criminals but at some point their anger and frustration bleeds over and they start killing innocents. The repercussions on society were massive. There was a significant loss of trust and hatred and fear going on. Ordinary people like the main character and the rebel side were dragged into a world and fighting that perpetuated fear and bloodshed until everything became irreversible. It's a terrifying world I would absolutely not want to live in. In the previously posted comic Batman says:

He's not saying this lightly. In a world where killing criminals is done and seen as common place by the people, what's stopping the people from following their hero's actions? Nothing is ever contained on the internet and nothing is ever done in moderation. It's like watching your favorite superhero blast a bad guy's head off on TV and turning around to seeing your mom blast your dad's head off with a gun over an argument about going to the movies. The violence is commonplace, after all. It takes an incredible amount of willpower, far more than anyone gives credit for, to look at someone who hurt you and walk away.

The canon version of this argument and why Bruce should never kill the Joker is proved in the comic, "The Batman Who Laughs." I was terrified for Damian when he encountered that universe.

The second reason I love the no-killing rule- and it's a little more twisted- is because I love self-control.

Not just as a person who tries to practice it in their life but there’s just something so exciting about a character who fights with control.

Having someone run free is super fun to read but having someone who never breaks the line, edge so dangerously close to it, but never kill? Oh the feeling is delicious. You're left pondering-what is it? What will it take? What will cause you to break?

Ironic. I know. But you can't tell me you were never curious about their limits.

Aside from that excitement, I love how the villains are reusable. They may be your worst enemy on a tuesday but on a thursday they're dragging your broken body out of a ditch to go fight the bad guy who got on their nerves.

It's like the idiom- better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Sometimes, no matter how horrible their actions were in the past, they're keeping a larger threat at bay. For example Blockbuster and Heartless. Bane, William Cobb, Lex Luthor, Freeze, Black Manta, and Sinestro in Forever Evil. The Riddler. And when Bruce was dead/lost in time the Joker was straight up like "damn bro I'm so sad I think I'm gonna turn good" which actually sort of saved all of Gotham from that bat cult that nearly killed them. Sort of. He bailed halfway but props to him for the first half.

Also the villains in the comics are terrible people but they're good characters. Like these characters are so well-developed. You'll hate them but you'll never fully hate them because they're funny and mean and deep down, you'll never admit it but they have a small teeny, tiny point.

A couple of my favorite villain scenes:

The Riddler (Batman #699)

Joker (Batman and Robin #22)

Joker

Victor Zsaz in his undies swearing revenge on another villain. Damian and Dick in the photo

Dick bashing up Slade in Damian's body

Damian, Harvey, and Dick

[aussie-the-hedgehog]

Okay, I think I need to do this for myself.

I've been rewatching MHA to gear up for season 7. However, it seems I'm also watching to prove something to myself.

It's been nearly a year, and I still greatly struggle with shame of having Ochako as my favorite character. I realize this is a drawn out topic on this blog, but I must air this grievance for the good of my mental sanity.

I feel whenever I'm on Twitter, I see many brutally slander her character. I see criticisms that she has no use in the show. I have witnessed posts circled with threats concerning the topic. It is making me further question why I enjoy the character as much as I do.

To be frank, I care A LOT about what people think - honestly to a fault. I was verbally bullied as a kid for how I looked (I had buck teeth, glasses, and social struggles due to sensory disorders and autism). I struggled to fit in through my elementary and middle school days. I was labeled as "weird" and "a teacher's pet" just to name a couple. I always felt compelled to prove myself to fit in with the kids of my classes.

I also was made fun of for being a Dallas Cowboys fan. Granted, I live an hour away from Philadelphia, but I was picked on quite a bit for liking them.

One day after school in fourth grade, I was on a bus heading to a rec center for after care. The Cowboys were playing the Eagles the ensuing Sunday. If you know anything about the NFL, these two are bitter rivals. They absolutely hate each other. The bus driver was aware I liked the Cowboys. He decided to start a chant on the bus ride, "Dallas sucks!" all the way there to the rec center. All the kids jumped in without hesitation.

I was horrified. I broke down crying. I felt like in that one moment the world was against me. There was a kid sitting next to me who tried to comfort me by saying he's on my side rooting for Dallas. I appreciated his support, but in that moment I just wanted to get off the bus.

When I got off, my mom was waiting and saw me in tears. She scolded the driver for making me cry over a football game. The bus driver was fired the next day.

I will admit I have come to terms with the teams I like (it helps the Cowboys are a meme), but it's still difficult being honest with the things I enjoy. This is especially the case when it comes to the hopeful, compassionate trope in shows.

I look on social media sites such as Twitter. I see all these vitriolic comments directed toward those who enjoy Ochako for no reason. I feel I've been indirectly abused because I am a part of her fandom.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again - she follows the trope I like. She's the glue that keeps the group together. She's loving and kind to everyone she meets. I honestly see her as an honest to goodness daughter. You can call it weird if you want, but it's how I feel.

Now, you can look at all of this and conclude I shouldn't be on Twitter. That is totally fair. I do need to limit my time on social media. However, this remains discouraging in my life. I started watching MHA last February and this issue STILL remains. I'm ashamed for enjoying something morally okay since the fandom is extremely harsh concerning her.

I feel it has to do with my past in being criticized for what I enjoy and seeing the fandom crush anyone who likes the character. Both have come together in such overwhelming ways.

Another factor is one I've mentioned before. I am a guy and should be liking more masculine things. In no way should I be interested in female characters or how they give hope in dire predicaments. Yet, it's something I find admirable because that's just what I like. I have to be alright with that.

In no way am I victimizing myself. This is a grievance I've had to get out. The toxicity from the fandom and my own negative thinking have gotten to my head for me to at least put my fingers to the keyboard. Writing is a cathartic practice for me. Crafting pieces like this is extremely healthy for me.

There isn't much more to be said about why I like Ochako Uraraka. I've made several posts why. You can look at those if you're so inclined. All in all, I hope one day I can be confident in why I enjoy characters like her and not feel a need to care about what others think.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[boozles]

Boozle's Top Ten Movies 2023

So, this was another list in my 2023 review that was super difficult to put together. According to my Letterboxd 2023 list, I watched 178 new movies this year. (Looking at all the dramas and movies I've watched, I honestly do not know where I found the time to consume so much content?! Working from home has its plus side, I guess?)

So, it's been a bit difficult to narrow my list of favourites down, but this is what I ended up with...

(i) Barabarian (2022, Dir. Zch Cregger) This film was NOTHING like what I thought it was going to be. Split into three tales that merge together to tell the story of one house and it's history, this movie managed to surprise me and be unpredictable at each turn.

(ii) The Outlaws (2017, Dir. Kang Yun-sung) This is the first movie in The Roundup series (the fourth movie is due out in 2024) and I have to say this is my favourite Korean action franchise. Ma Dong Seok is perfect, and the action sequences are mind blowing. It has the perfect balance of crime, action and comedy, and is a definite recommendation if you're looking for a good Asian crime movie.

(iii) Evil Dead Rise (2023, Dir. Lee Cronin) I absolutely love the Evil Dead franchise, and I had initially been a little wary at this sequel due to the fact they were taking the deadite insanity into an apartment block instead of the usual little cottage in the woods. I am so glad I was wrong, because this movie was probably the best horror to come out of 2023. The cast were amazing (Morgan Davies was a stand out) and it managed to feel like an Evil Dead film but with a fresh perspective.

(iv) Dark Harvest (2023, Dir. David Slade) Okay, I couldn't find a gif from the movie so y'all will have to make do with this still image. Now, I fully expected Dark Harvest to be a lame b-movie with terrible effects and a lame storyline, but I thoroughly enjoyed it! It managed to keep me captivated, and it was extremely aesthetically pleasing. I'd love a sequel with Emily returning to town.

(v) Five Nights at Freddy's (2023, Dir. Emma Tammi) Gosh, I was so happy when I enjoyed this! I am a huge FNAF fan (though for a while I kept it on the downlow due to Cawthon's support of Trump/the Republican party) and I adore the lore, as wild and complicated as it is. The movie really managed to keep me captivated, and kept me guessing, whilst still staying true to the original canon. I cannot wait for the second installment.

(vi) Guns Akimbo (2019, Dir. Jason Lei Howden) This was a wild and fantastic film. I love watching Daniel Radcliffe get further and further away from the HP movies and prove that he's a great actor. Also, I just love Samara Weaving.

(vii) The Meg 2: The Trench (2023, Ben Wheatley) Yeah, I'm surprised to see this on my list, too. This movie was just so much fun. That's all. The effects were great, the acting was pretty good, and I just like watching sharks take out humans. IF YOU DON'T WANT EATEN BY A SEA CREATURE, STAY OUT OF THE SEA.

(viii) Ichi the Killer (2001, Dir. Takashi Miike) I don't know why it took me over 20 years to finally watch this classic, but I ended up thoroughly enjoying it! The acting was insane, the story was batshit crazy, and the effects were fantastic. I'd expect nothing less from Takashi Miike, tbh.

(ix) Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom (1975, Dir. Pier Paolo Pasolini) Okay, hear me out - was this one of my favourite movies of the year? No, it really wasn't. However, it's the movie that has probably left the biggest scar on my mental psyche of the year, therefore I had to include it. I've been fascinated by Marquis De Sade ever since I saw Quills years ago, but I never watched this movie because I knew it would do something to my brain. If you've seen the movie (or even read the book), I'm sure you understand what I mean when I saw one chapter in particular REALLY fucked me up to the point I couldn't eat chocolate for quite some time afterwards, and I struggle to not throw up when cleaning my cat's litter box these days. It takes a lot for a movie to scar me in a way that makes it pop into my mind every now and then, and this movie did that. However, I'd like to add that the point of the film isn't just to shock, but I am terrible at witing coherent analysis. If you haven't seen this movie, I would suggest doing a little research before watching, just to make sure you can handle it; it is full of triggers that I don't even want to mention because I'll probably get blacklisted. But yes. Whilst it may not be a favourite of the year, it sure left a huge impact on me.

(x) Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022, Dir. Daniel Scheinert, Daniel Kwan) I think everyone loves this movie, but I was surprised at how much I loved it! The whole message of the movie is just so brutal and honest, and whilst I know that it's probably people of Asian heritage that can relate to it the most, I feel like we all can find something in the relationships that we can relate to. The cast were fantastic and I'm so glad to see Ke Huy Quan on screen again! Heartwarming, sad, and absolutely hilarious.

Honorary Mentions: (i) Midnight (2021, Dir. Kwon Oh-seung) (ii) Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (2018, Dir. Jung Bum-shik) (iii) Glass Onion (2022, Dir. Rian Johnson) (iv) The Night House (2020, Dir. David Bruckner) (v) I Saw the Devil (2010, Dir. Kim Jee-woon)

[septembersghost]

i do have something to say, and my pulsing head is maybe not going to allow it to be particularly articulate, but fearless was special to me because it was when i became a swiftie, red was special to me because it's my cherished and beloved album. speak now is special to me because it was the first album i got to experience with taylor in real time, from the announcement, to watching music video premieres (on cmt!), excitement building up to it, the thrill of release day.

but it was an especially big deal to me because i had spent the entire year before (almost to the day, because a final conversation was had on october 26, 2009, and speak now was released on october 25, 2010) planning, or expecting, to not survive it. there are many times i've battled through that since for varying reasons, but that was the first time, and the most traumatic. i had vascillated through extremes of sobbing through the night to screaming in rage to complete and total emptiness and cynical numbness - imagine me not feeling anything, or only feeling the tearing of anger in my chest - beyond holding tight to my precious dog, and i feel guilty often reflecting on this because i don't think i did the best for her at that point either. my passion and solace in music felt stolen out of my hands, and had narrowed intensely in that pain, to the point where i only had two pillars to lean against. one was fall out boy. the other was taylor. both had been the only comforts i could reliably turn to, turn up, in the dark. debut and fearless felt like they'd been given especially to me, to express what i was struggling through, how the girl in me who'd lost so much of her life, health, time, and then had her heart broken and betrayed by multiple people, felt. fob stopped me once, very directly, from hurting myself. (thus why their feature here has profound significance to me.) my mom, who had never been through such a difficult time with me (and there are gaps in my memory, but i still feel guilty for what she went through then too), hardly knew what to do, but she bought me a pink ipod nano that 2009 christmas, and that music was basically all that was on it. they were the lifelines i clung to in the tumultuous storm to keep myself from drowning.

by speak now's release in 2010, i'd gotten to shore, but was still battered and cold and exhausted. that album was an aspect of my recovery. that music was what warmed me and woke me back up. and a huge part of that was taylor's own honesty and sensitivity. she was still dreamy and romantic, she still displayed vulnerability, sincerity, and compassion, but she was also angry and bitter and petty and scathing. the fullness and unflinching open-heartedness of that journey cracked me back open and allowed the light back in. the storytelling and lyricism proved her prowess, talent, and growth, but it was often the simplicity that got me, that allowed me to accept even the sharp edges of what i felt, and the softness too. a careless man's careful daughter. i liked it better when you were on my side. i see it all now that you're gone. all you are is mean. please don't be in love with someone else. never imagined we'd end like this. wish i'd never grown up. can't turn back, i'm haunted. the girl in the dress cried the whole way home. long live all the magic we made, and bring on all the pretenders, i'm not afraid. it cast a magic spell, transformed my spirit and allowed me to start to become the person i am again.

it's turned out over the years that some of it is tough for me to listen to because of this, because of that visceral tie back to the things it opened me up to, but tonight i'm thinking yet again about what a miracle it is that i'm still even here, after not expecting that gift of time over and over. every re-record she's released has given something back to me that i didn't even realize i needed, and reading taylor's prologue for speak now, the feeling of her catharsis and reclamation feels so much like my own too. she's brought us in and held that reciprocal experience close, and the embracing connection in that speaks deeply to everything her music represents and means to so many of us.

she writes now, "i had no idea how much this pain would shape me," and also, "i'm still idealistic and earnest...but i'm less crushed when people mock me for it. i know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity." this is something i believe too and hold onto fiercely, and she's helped consistently remind me of it.

to those of us with our palms outstretched in the light, still hoping, still having faith in art and knowing that it's good, whose voices quiver with tearful emotion but still share it earnestly, who sometimes wish we could still hear bedtime stories, who hold on to spinning around. i've had the time of my life fighting dragons with her, and with you.

[chaos-in-elysium]

People can claim I'm entitled and cuildish but if roles were reversed, they would want an explanation and evidence to. You can't make accusations against a person then proceed to never let that person in on what's going on, it doesn't work like that.

"He said to not blast music and you threw a fit" did he also mention that 1 I started turning my volume down after he mentioned it and 2 it was because he instead of leaving the call isti n silence. I was watching tiktoks even after I turned my volume down he would complain that I'm not paying attention to him.

I'm childish? But the person who accused me brought up stuff from 2 years ago. The sexual abuse claim makes very little sense to me, if he doesn't make it obvious that he is uncomfortable or did not want the interaction how was I suppose to know? He never gave any slightest hint he was uncomfortable,he never stated it either, in fact he consistently gave enthusiastic consent.

"If him crossing your boundaries bothered you why didn't you block him?" Cause he was my fp (favorite person) at the time I would have let him treat me anyway he wanted if that meant I wouldn't be abandoned. Also ask him the same question when it comes to the sexual abuse claim.

"Get therapy" I honestly don't have the money nor does my insurance cover it, also as someone who says they have bpd you would know how utterly difficult it is to find a therapist willing to work with a pwbpd(person with bpd) due to the stigma.

And even without the bpd the fact I told him more then once to please refrain from doing certain things that upset me, he should have stopped, because that's not ok no matter who you are.

And I'm kinda entitled to evidence that deals with claims made against me. And that deal with any screenshots from private dms.

Also I blurred his name his pfp from what I can tell is portal fanart it has no signifying markers to who he is, I even gave him an alias.

On the topic of things I said. I said something that seemed to bring down the mood in the server- 1 time. "TlYou should have gotten a warning then" Yeah I should have. That's kinda proving my point on people not doing their job.

When it comes to the Andy thing that was honestly meant to be a joke,and only a joke, if he had told me he was uncomfortable with it, or with that type of joke I would have stopped.

Based of how you reacted to the incident I stated where we kicked someone for faking osdd (Which was agreed upon by orb) that gives me the feeling that you are the person we kicked. If you aren't my bad that's just the way you came across. But if you are know that even Orb saw through you and said you were faking I still have the screenshots.

I don't block people because I "Know they're right" I block people because simply don't have the energy to deal with their harassment, they made a whole account just to slander me and try to silence me.

I only ever wanted answers and to defend myself. There was no harm in letting me see the evidence,there was no harm in letting me try to prove my innocence, you all could have still chosen to not believe me, chosen to ignore me,chosen to block me. Yet that didn't happen instead of taking the high road and letting me prove my innocence, then move on you all chose to slander,harrass,and attempt to silence me. It shows that somewhere deep down there is insecurity and part of you knows that the mods have some blame in this.

I admit that I don't always handle things the way I should, I'm prone to over explaining,not letting things go,and jumping to extremes when threatened. It's something I have always struggled with, that however doesn't mean that I am malicious,lying,ot manipulating anything. I'm showing my end of the story.

The reason I never came forward sooner is because due to a lot of what I've been through it takes me a while to realize the way someone treated me wasn't ok, and me and him at that point had calm down,started to be friendly,and left each other alone. I didn't see the point in bringing it up especially since I knew with the stigma surrounding bpd, that no one would believe me.

I am prone to anger especially back when "elm" and I met, I had just found out a year prior that I had bpd and had been struggling to work on it since I couldn't and still can't afford therapy. I had told him from the start about it and explained what I knew about the disorder,I even told him about the stigma surrounding it and hour abusers tend to target pwbpd and turn them into the abusers. He used this against me continued to push and push. I was splitting so much that I felt like I couldn't breath. That every move I made had to be dictated by him. This isn't me using it as an excuse this is me showing how it effects me. When I told him that his actions were causing splits, he honestly should have stopped. He would always claim "Oh I'll do better." But never did at some point I gre bitter and thought "Why should I have to change but not him? Why should I work on myself but not him? Why does he pin everything on me? Why?why?why?" Then we mostly cut contact and what do you know I was no longer splitting 2,3,4 times a week. Finally I could breath. Then this happened, I don't know why he would start all this up, I can't pretend to know. It has been 2 years yet in a time of peace and silence he throws a rock into the pond and attempts to ruin what calm I had finally built. He knew I wouldn't go quietly,he knew I would cause a fuss. I played into his hand out of my own instinct to protect myself. I was a idiot, I still am and Idiot.

At this point I want silence and I want peace. Believe me to be the villain,believe that I'm a horrible abuser. Feed into his lies. I don't care anymore, I'm going to continue with my life and work on healing from all the damage he caused. I'm going to enjoy doing stupid shit with my closest friends,friends who don't push,who know I'm not a malicious person. Friend who care for me deeply. I'm going to live and exist in my own space, and you all can continue stabbing and howling in the distance to anyone who will listen, but I won't hear you. Live your lives,enjoy your friends,and be happy.

[esperata]

I posted 2,344 times in 2022

That's 660 more posts than 2021!

103 posts created (4%)

2,241 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thedreammweaver

@ramenflavoredchaos

@spones-in-my-bones

@schemingminor

@toon-topaz

I tagged 2,230 of my posts in 2022

Only 5% of my posts had no tags

#oswald cobblepot - 317 posts

#deltarune - 313 posts

#the penguin - 311 posts

#jevil - 300 posts

#the riddler - 296 posts

#edward nygma - 277 posts

#otto octavius - 243 posts

#doctor octopus - 235 posts

#riddlebird - 228 posts

#jonathan crane - 210 posts

Longest Tag: 68 characters

#just imagining him getting buffeted by tsunamis and thinking its fun

I sent 1 gift in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Having now watched No Way Home, I have an insatiable need to write Octogoblin content. But have no ideas. So I will take suggestions. Short prompts for vignettes please. No promises but you don't get if you don't ask.

33 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

#4

I've been having hattercrow thoughts and decided to expand on how I see their dynamic working (in a general sense rather than considering particular fandom versions).

Jonathan is not easy to befriend, I think this is a pretty standard interpretation, and Jervis is incredibly focused when he’s set his sights on someone. So its very much a war of attrition as Jervis sets about wearing down Jonathan’s defences. And this works because, as long as he isn’t actually rejected, Jervis would very much enjoy wooing someone.

Then, because Jonathan’s trust is so very hard to win, once Jervis does earn it he’s got it for life. So in return for his patience Jervis will get an extremely loyal boyfriend, also something he very much wants as he is not inclined to share his beloved’s affections with anyone. Which once again is helped by Jonathan’s aforemententioned solitary nature.

42 notes - Posted July 31, 2022

#3

I enjoy writing riddlebird and often think how lucky I am to get so many variations to play with. Some are more challenging in that the relationship isn't obvious in the source material. As a writer I enjoy finding the evidence to prove the ship works. Arkhamverse, Telltale and Reeves' Batman all fit this profile.

Yet there's also the versions where it's easier to set the two together without any prior explanations (though I do still like writing those firsts). The Animated Series, 2004 cartoon or the comics all require little pushing to fall into established territory.

And that's without considering the levels of fluff to camp to angst each provides. Lego allows harmless pranks, the 60s series inspires silliness and Gotham easily delivers angst. There really is something to suit every mood.

45 notes - Posted June 23, 2022

#2

I was thinking about Scooby Doo, and how the gang have been solving mysteries for decades now, and I have come to the conclusion that they're the ghosts

96 notes - Posted February 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

"Now Otto, I have a very difficult thing to ask of you. But this is a formal dinner so I must insist you wear a shirt. I'm sorry."

Otto removed his glasses and blinked.

"That's not a problem. I don't mind wearing a shirt."

"I didn't mean difficult for you," Norman explained. "I mean difficult for me."

He flopped onto Otto's chest and cuddled his tits.

"I'll miss you," he told them.

101 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lilly-onthevalley]

I had a silly incident the other day and it's really bothering me. I've decided I'm going to full on relax my hair because I'm not going through that again...

Anyways, mini life update. I met a guy with the most wonderful voice, I can barely understand a thing he says because of his American New Hampshire accent but that's not the point. I'm a bit tired so I'm going to hold off a date with him for the next 2 weeks. I am currently focusing on my friends and myself.

Screw beginning new year's resolutions on New Year's Eve, I'm planning now.

I had a lot of growing and exposure this year and next year is gonna be worse. I'm relaxing my hair, dying it a striking blue black, working on my speech (I can't afford to be unclear and uncalculated anymore), losing a few extra pounds and emotionally prepping myself.

(This is the colour, but with shorter nails)

I can't wait for another new start!

I purchased a new pack of plastic rollers. Magnetic rollers have proved to be a struggle for me so I'm going back to the rollers with the little spikes. I can actually sleep in them and I wake up with the most beautiful and voluminous subtle curls.

My favourite way to do my nails these past few weeks has been a shimmery white or a nude dark pinkish brown. I'm taking a break from french tips. Dark nude nails have a special place in my heart, they've been with me since Grade school, I was always that girl with the perfect harmonious pinkish brown glossy nails.

I'm extremely tempted to get the Princess Diana cut, I'm going a bit crazy with layers and feathering honestly.

I'm absolutely bored and tired of the modern world. I went through a moment where I truly assessed myself realistically and took down what I need to change in order to see change in my life. Thankfully my great blunder 2 days ago finally pushed me to relax my hair and give up on highlights and embrace the slick and classic allure of jet black hair on brown skin.

I'm the type of woman who looks very awkward with modern day trends. This year I compromised greatly for social reasons. I really did adopt the UK slang, I went to the parties, I really did get the ugly little chocolate highlights and the wolf cut but thankfully I'm in a better situation now. I can fully embrace being calm and rest while watching my favourite movies from the 80s and 60s while wearing my goofy clothes.

I can't help but keep on finding it difficult to adjust to a Western modern life. I honestly don't think I can but I can switch up when I need to. I will always be who I am on the inside and that won't and can't change.

I've recently acquired a mini obsession with Marie Antoinette, so there's something I have been entertaining myself with together with practicing calligraphy and cursive, as well as baking more challah for the community.

Mia Goth has really helped me get over my lack of dark eyebrows, I loved her look in Pearl and X, the whole ensemble felt like I was seeing myself represented, even if it was by a murderous delusional character.

[sweetbriermouse]

Progress!

So health issues are still unresolved. I'm still having the seizures, still no answers or treatment, still can't drive or even stomach car rides. I did finally get to start working again on a work-from-home basis. I'm limited to only 12 hours a week, which is not enough to pay my bills but my amazing partner is covering what I can't until I'm allowed to work more.

Having a routine is proving extremely difficult. The seizures come with extreme exhaustion, like bone deep eyes sagging exhaustion. I want to journal again but I often forget as I've also struggled a lot with brain fog since these started. I am journaling, just not a lot. A page or two every few days really. I'm still tracking what I eat and drink, and I try to move about a little more each day.

I think one of the worst aspects of this has to be coming to the realization that I need more help than what I've had. Also that I have allowed issues to go unassisted because I considered them normal. I've been furniture walking since I was a child, which is very much not normal but I thought it was. I get days where everything is so stiff and sore and I feel nonstop dizzy and lightheaded that I have to use walls and furniture to steady myself and to keep from falling over. I watched my mother do this plenty growing up, same with several other family members. it's not normal, they all just ignore their health problems. I feel like this also kind of goes hand in hand with the pain issues. I thought everyone dealt with constant pain, I did not realize people had pain free days the majority of the time unless injured or something was wrong. It took pushing from my partner when that pain got substantially worse for me to talk to a doctor... a year and a half ago.

I'm now having to deal with multiple specialist referrals, looking into ambulatory mobility aids because things are so difficult, rearranging my life because I can't even walk one end of the house to the other without getting winded. I hate that I made so much progress in the 5 months after getting my gym membership just to lose it all so quickly. I hate that I tell others to take care of themselves, rest, seek medical aid and never feel ashamed to need help just to turn around and ignore what I need because I can't bare the thought of being one step closer to disabled. I just want to be ok, to be normal and healthy.

[skaruresonic]

having some real Combine thoughts(tm) in this Chili's rn

The headcanon I'm running with in my fic is the Combine cannot be fully perceived by the physical senses. Their language is unspoken; their presence a crushing silence; they can be detected, but on the very fringes of perception.

So, pretty much the "not alien as in 'silicon-based life form,' alien as in 'hyperintelligent shade of blue'" school of thought.

[Breen, as an Advisor] preferred to think he'd by and large risen above such sentimentality, but in practice it proved one of the most difficult habits to shed. Watching her memories stirred a grin on a face that lacked the ability. Although the anatomy necessary to perform such movement didn't exist, the underlying impulse lingered deep in his neural tissues. His cells squirmed at their failure to execute an incompatible function. It was typically during these moments of dysfunction that he sensed the emergence of a soundless presence. It came in waves, amplitudes lapping at his mind. He greeted them by extending them the same manner of silence. Of course, he said, his voice equally noiseless, you who understand everything feel no need to delineate your experiences through these clumsy metaphors. Deathly silence responded. Yes. I know. Language is but a crude stick with which one scribbles nonsense. I will learn to discard it. Until then, please oblige me your patience.

They can manipulate one's senses to perceive - or not perceive - whatever form they wish.

They dwelled in utter void. The cold that overwhelms the body when the mind realizes the heart has stopped, that static-shock paralysis locked from limb to ligament. None knew what to expect of the master race. Through their own stupid, limited lens, humanity constructed models of silicon-based life forms; they theorized breath where none was drawn. They made children's sketches of the possibilities, but in this instant all language lost coherency, all models crumbled to sand. What filled the air was a silence so absolute she could call it nothing except consecrated. White noise, the weightlessness of an idea. Things felt only in the peripheral, in the subliminal. They deemed the Combine an imperialist machine whose fate ended in rust. The horrendous reality was they were nothing. A man could no more hurt them than he could harm his own shadow. Thought without image, dream without meaning, sound without wave. Space sans boundary. Time outside measure. Abstractions. Murky seas of unconsciousness. The slow creep of dark energy. Inevitability. Something resided there, ancient beyond reckoning, but it could not be grasped through sense alone.

My general backstory for the Combine master race is they do not suffer the ravages of the flesh because their telomeres move extremely slowly. They have had millions, if not billions, of years to learn how the universe works, and to transcend death. In that time, they have learned how to extend their senses beyond the boundaries of the cell membrane, allowing their thoughts to manipulate matter without direct, local contact. This is ultimately what makes them capable of long-distance teleportation and telekinesis.

On the surface of a milky pond, life emerged. The correct particles collided, and something unformed grasped its first avaricious breath. That virgin exhalation fed the clouds, igniting a chain reaction that would continue for millennia. Particle storms arose, as did noiseless lightning. Violent cataclysms wracked the planet's epidermis. Crystalline boulders forged inside the mantle now found themselves thrust above the surface. These acted as lightning rods, attracting the electricity the storms generated and inducting them through their incredibly dense structures. The air surrounding these crystals began to repeat the same patterns, weaving the same cloud formations over and again. Time translation symmetry broke in a rare but bizarre pattern. Anything that touched them disappeared. Life cowered in fear of what it did not understand and hid itself away. Cells gestated within protective pods. The slowing of telomeres bestowed upon them the gift of time, as well as subsequent gifts. Ions passed through potassium gates trillions of times, each iteration giving birth to thought. Thought produced idea. Idea constructed civilization. Life found that it was far more amenable to survival to remain inside the pod than to risk exposing its most valuable organs to the mercy of its environment. Life learned to evolve, to extend its senses beyond the boundaries of the cell membrane. Electrical impulses raced faster, life outpacing glia. It felt familiar. Life manipulated thought. Thought manipulated matter. The gas giant harnessed its light to erect cloud-piercing towers. Networks wove sophisticated colonies across its wispy surface. Steel veins bulged along the outer strata; occasionally a clot of light could be seen speeding along one. Civilization thrived in areas once dominated by methane swamps. Life proclaimed its transcendence over the elements.

As a result of their unusual evolution, they are curious about the cycles of life, death, and suffering in other species. But in a cold, detached, Scientific(tm) way.

They study the afflictions of the flesh and death in other species, eventually assimilating mortal beings into forms that are no longer sentient (cannot distinguish one's own mind and sense of self from others) and cannot feel pain through biological modification. They exterminate that which resists assimilation.

What this means is they have an even stronger hivemind than that of the Vortigaunts. Anything that is not of them is considered an "infection" of sorts and gets eradicated.

The enraged thrashing of limbs on a bed of shorn metal clattered in her ears. She went silent for a moment before answering. "Is that what you meant when you told [Breen] 'they' were coming to collect the flesh?" Mossman nodded. "I've heard of it spoken in his office. The Combine police their cohesion quite severely. When one unit suffers bodily harm, it threatens their infrastructure. The others initiate a neurochemical process to dissolve the flesh from the inside-out. You can imagine the rest." Didn't have to, and quite frankly, she preferred not to. Breen unraveled into a mindless sack of organs in the end, as pitiful in death as he'd been in rebirth. "Inviting a foreign consciousness into one of their host bodies is highly taboo. They must have placed him inside one for a specific purpose." "That he failed." "Miserably." Judith's fingertips rose to collect more drops of pus, which she rubbed dry. "I admit I don't fully understand the process myself. It could be a ritual of some kind."

The G-Man's backstory and motivations hinge on what happens when a member of the Combine master race becomes aware of its own mind and self apart from the rest of the collective:

I [will… settle this humiliating state of affairs.] fell from oblivion

[give us clarity to part these false veils of separation. dissolve the chains shackling us to our mortal flesh.] when breath touched me

[do you know what it means to stand on oblivion's precipice? to watch the darkness breathe?] and I

and I?

and

[ I ] alone

was chosen

[open your eyes doctor freeman.] to become

[his blood his bone his thoughts. all stolen all snatched. I signed them away to keep you alive.]

ENLIGHTENED

IN LIGHT

[ I ]

END.

In a nutshell: it ain't pretty.

(His is a complex story involving a lot of moving parts, to say the least. At some points I had to draw a diagram to keep track lol. So I'd best shelve the meat of that topic for another post.)

Contrary to popular belief, the Combine don't have an interest in conquest. As the universe's scientists observing everything behind their thick Plexiglas wall, they don't really want anything---to want is to distinguish a self with desires, after all, and they have no self. Even the G-Man contends that the self is an illusion:

"What do you see?" His tormentor's whispers haunted him, eager to drag him into this rising undertow of madness. "Yourself? Can these entities be called you when they no longer exist?" His tone implied the presumption of ownership foolhardy. "This matter, what you call your 'self,' is a spectrum of illusion. Mirages sharing a common delusion of continuity." That's what makes the Combine so gruesome. Just as a psychic partition separates the scientist from the specimen on the dissecting table, an utter disconnection separates them from other beings.

The pains of mortal beings entail no consequence. You will be as us, or be nothing. The result is the same. "Why us?" Suffering is information. Trauma alters the structure of the genome. The flesh is the vessel through which information flows from being to being. Data evolves. Infinite variation. The gamma rays shuddered and shimmered, tears unshed. "Why?" Death ceases the flow of information. Our study has reached its end.

Humans and Vortigaunts assume an imperialistic framework because that's all they can understand. The Combine are so powerful that they could wipe out the universe if they so desired, but they are only engaged in watching the experiment unfold.

We who form the Universal Union, who are Enlightened. Shu'ulathoi. We observe creation. Our purpose, to advise. To contemplate. We have studied life from the genesis. Yet mysteries abound.

Eventually, all experiments come to a close.

She became crushingly aware of her small being, how alone she stood in this vastness, the beating of her heart and the thrum of her blood writhing against a shroud of suffocation. It was as though she had dived into the ocean's blackest cradle and beheld an all-perceiving darkness, awaiting the beast to open its ceaseless mouth and swallow her whole. 01000001 01101100 01111001 01111000 00100000 01010110 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00001010 00001010 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01100100 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100011 01101001 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001010 00001010 01110011 01110100 01101111 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 01101000 00100000 00001010 00001010 01110010 01100101 01110100 01110101 01110010 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110010 01110100 01101000 00001010 00001010 01000010 01101100 01100001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01001101 01100101 01110011 01100001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101110 01100111 01100101 01110010 00001010 00001010 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110100 01101001 01101110 01110101 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001010 00001010 01110111 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100010 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 00001010 They - it - did not wait for a reply. It they? knew her answer before her neurons conspired to deliver the message to her conscious mind.

[justsokaela]

I like my job a lot, but...

I've essentially landed the best "lazy girl job" - working for a college administration of their facilities operations, we're our own unit and not part of the departments, not loaded with salaried entitled PhD-holders or higher administrators and deans and committee leaders. We're the blue collar workers, the entire union-represented staff of the college, and my job is easy as fuck compared to all the toxic employment I've had over the past 20 years. It's routine, repetitive, and extremely relaxed. The anxiety that I constantly have had over not being constantly busy every second of every hour that I'm 'on the clock' and feeling like I'm being watched and that anytime I do anything slightly wrong I'm being judged or criticized... it's a huge relief. And it's also difficult to experience too. It's like....

as if all your bones were broken and healed in the wrong way, so the only way your pain and discomfort from the improper healing can be eased and recovered is to rebreak all the bones again and move them to the proper healing positions with the proper guidance and recovery techniques. This is how I feel lately. Like I'm recovering from years and years and years of masking, living undiagnosed and thinking there was constantly something wrong with me, never getting the right kind of care or attention for the traumas I experienced as a child, and then after years of constant struggle and survival on challenge mode... and now I'm getting a consistent and barely livable wage but have great benefits, great coworkers, great work-life balance, and a non-stressful job, tons of vacation time, relaxed dress code and chill attitudes between everyone so long as we don't talk about politics and religion and taxes and shit.

but it makes me feel like my passions are useless, my education is a waste and all the years I struggled and toiled to get those degrees and pursue those passions were wasted because now I feel like they aren't being put to better use. This is where I think content creation is the perfect outlet for me, because I can create things based on my ideas and indulge and share ALL the things I know and like, but with more engagement. Instagram is a mess, I hate the censorship. TikTok is about to get banned. Twitter is now X and run by a psychopathic poop faced waste of space, Facebook is flooded with fascists and people I don't care much to communicate with anymore.

I thrive on having goals to achieve and things to accomplish. I need a challenge. I also really want to get a Masters and a JD degree just to prove that I can. Who cares if I don't start a successful career until I'm 40? It's not like I'll have kids to worry about ruining my future or sucking up my attention and energy and finances... The best I can do right now is use my cool 'lazy girl job' to ease into all those things, and support myself while I use all the free time I have to improve myself and take better care of myself, save money, and build my skills.

[glitternightingale]

Fanfic Ask Meme

I finally got to answer all the questions you guys have been sending me from this meme! I never expected to get so many, that's why they're all here together. Unanswered questions will be left blank and if you do want me to come back to them, I'll just reblog this post.

Now, let's get into the Behind The Scenes of WAACH!

1. What inspired this fic?

I was inspired by the song "All Of You" which made me wonder how the family relationships after the main part of the movie developed. I was left with so many open questions because I think the writers took the safe, "easy way out" for their storytelling (yes, this is up for debate but in a different post).

Like, we have the communication issues the Blue Sisters have to deal with (have Luisa and Isabela ever even exchanged words on screen?). Then there are Alma's struggles with paying more attention to what her loved ones really need and, of course, Bruno's reintegration and the challenges he has to face after his extreme isolation.

2. Where did the title come from?

3. What part was most difficult?

Funnily enough, I always think the part I'm currently working on has to be the most difficult one to write yet, but looking back, I'd say it was "Calming The Clouds".

It was a tough balancing act to portray Pepa as both fierce and vulnerable. On the one hand, she carries so much guilt with herself and is haunted by her past. On the other, she is selfless enough to realize that someone else might need more support than she does.

But I think I found a satisfying way to avoid these conflicts by making them an explicit part of her mood swings. Also, I had to tip-toe my way through the Triplets' past and decide to which degree Bruno was hated by the village and/or supported by his family.

4. What are you most proud of?

5. What do you like best about this fic?

I had so much fun writing the story of how Bruno and Agustín met! I wrote most of the flashback in "Watching The Weary" (about 6k words) in a day. I don't know why, but Agustín's POV just sat right with me. Not to forget the worldbuilding with him hailing from Bogotá. I do plan on expanding more on his side of the family in future parts of the series.

6. What do you like least about this fic?

7. What’s a reference you made no one has picked up on yet?

Hmm, I might say it's this reference from "Building The Base" (*side-eyes @acewithapaintbrush 's "A Place for Crows"*):

He scurried down the hall without looking back. However, he then noticed how his mother had trailed after him with quick steps, watching him with suspicion and concentration like a hawk, or a crow.

She should rest her weary feet, he thought.

8. What’s a bit that sums up your take on a character?

9. Favorite line(s) of dialogue?

It has to be the storytime banter from "Risking The Ruse":

Isa shook Tío Bruno’s arm to make him go on with the story. “The young man had always been vindictive and evil and that’s why he killed his father.”

“Was there blood?” Isa asked.

“Yes, lots and lots of blood,” Tío Bruno answered flatly to which Isa tried to whistle in admiration.

10. Favorite line(s) of prose?

I'm still kinda proud of how I handled Julieta in "Making The Most":

With his head in the clouds, he had been tortured with feeling eternity. But no matter how many times he had suffered, his capacity for love was bottomless. Spending ten years in self-imposed exile to protect a child only proved what Julieta had always known about her brother.

11. Were there any points where you were trying to do something specific with sound, vocabulary, or rhythm?

12. Imagery that is important to the fic, either while composing or in the fic itself?

13. How many drafts did the work go through?

14. Were you listening to anything while writing the fic? If so, what?

Oh, considering that writing takes me a hot minute, there are whole playlists with songs I can't even remember from the top of my head. It's always a good mix of all genres though, ranging from folk to hard rock, to nightcore hip-hop.

But I listened to this song over and over again while writing "Twisting The Threads". It's perfect for Alma and Bruno's relationship.

15. What were you most worried about during the composition?

16. If you used a beta, what did you agree or disagree on?

17. Did anything surprise you during the writing?

I was quite surprised by how my intuitive characterizations correspond with the movie. Before I start a fic, there are always random ideas in my head that I have trouble connecting. But in the end, I realize that what I've thought of makes a lot of sense, actually.

An example is Félix being quite easy-going and extroverted in "Holding The Heights" but also having strong sensibilities toward the people around him, especially the more easy ones to upset (Pepa and Bruno, for example).

18. Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

19. Were any parts written under the influence?

20. What did you learn from writing this fic?

I've learned a couple of things over the course of writing WAACH!

Colombian history, cuisine, culture, Spanish terms of endearment, etc.

Writing takes effort, time, and sleep, but it's always worth it even when the process of getting there is a difficult one. It's especially rewarding to have people who anticipate the next update, the next fun fact, or a quick preview. The pressure might increase, but it's a good, challenging, and motivating kind of pressure even if my own expectations grow in turn.

There are many people who are just as nerdy as me and bursting with creativity! Let's make something beautiful, everyone!

❤️❤️❤️