#in the end im still just a stupid bitch from the internet

[forsakenmissives]

inspired by @izzyspussy’s prompt. hope u dont mind?? lol also tw for mention of james tartt. yknow how it is — also im thinking this takes place around the start of the season after the show ends 💚 but also (thanks nonny!) just pretend eras tour came out 2021 and barbie came out 2022 and not. now LOL

It starts as less than a handful of Tweets. Honestly, Jamie laughs at the first one, then scrolls by and completely misses the rest. And then he sees a group of lads donning West Ham merch pointing at him while on his morning run (sans Roy, who had to bow out due to a cold, the dick . . . Jamie's planning on picking him up breakfast) and whispering — but not quiet enough — that the Barbie has escaped his box. The Tweets (and comments and replies and DMs) appear more frequently after that.

The pictures of him in his pink tracksuit, tied to Roy’s bike, are passed around again. This time not by his loyal fans who begged for proper HD pics from him and thought he looked good as hell, but by the ones who call him Barbie and think his hair is blond and dumb and that he is just a dumb blond who isn’t even that good at football. At least that last bit could be easily refuted by his stats. He’s damn good at his job, and he knows it.

He doesn’t say anything about it, however, until they’re in the locker room after training, and Isaac huffs at something while looking at his phone. Jamie glances over to see him angling the screen toward him. “They’re callin’ you Barbie, bruv.”

Isaac is a really good friend, like, the best a guy could ask for. But Jamie kind of doesn’t want to think about this. “Yeah, I saw. It’s a compliment, innit? And kind of fittin’. I’m perfect, I’m everything. I am Barbie, ain’t I?”

At his easy dismissal, Isaac brightens up, grinning, and Jamie grins back. He finds the Tweet he was shown and posts a good selfie he took a few days ago, captioning it, I am everything. You wanna be Ken? It’s a bit stupid, but the insult is stupid too, so he thinks he’s allowed it.

The thing is — he wants to be unbothered by the nickname. The Barbie movie was fucking awesome, and though he’s still on thin ice with Keeley, even after their strictly-business trip to Brazil, they put aside their differences . . . that is, they put aside Jamie’s fuck-up to go and watch one of the screenings together. Yeah. It was fucking awesome. And he loves women. Like, major respect.

But the condemnations of the word are a knife’s edge away from a whiskey-tinged voice hissing soft and little bitch in his ear, and Jamie really can’t fucking deal with that right now. And he had gone and seen James in rehab, just for a couple hours, and he doesn’t regret going and seeing him, and he actually thinks it’s fucking mint the man’s getting help. He even enjoyed going through the old photos of his grandparents and James as a baby and even some of his own photos, when his mum looked a little less tired and he wasn’t afraid to smile too brightly. And in rehab, James is given limited Internet time, so the chances of him seeing the insults, seeing Jamie being called a girls’ toy, something pretty and pink, are small, and even if he does see, what can he do? They won’t just let him leave while obviously on some rampage.

It’s not like Jamie plans on going back to the man any time soon anyway. He’s not James Tartt’s anything. They just share a name. So what?

Jamie jumps at the touch of a hand on his shoulder. He pockets his phone (his Quote Tweet is now at twenty thousand likes and counting), and when he turns, it’s Roy, staring at him with those impossibly dark eyes and wild brows that make them even darker.

“Hi, coach,” he says with a grin.

Roy grunts back.

Jamie stays still for another second before blinking. “Got any wisdom for me?”

The other guys have begun to clear out, and now it’s just them and Beard still in the coaches’ office. And Will, who seems to be some metaphor for God, the way he’s always around, not even lurking, just . . . around.

Finally, Roy says, “Good pass. Don’t be late tomorrow.”

It’s so unbearably Roy that it makes Jamie sick. It also suggests there’s more he’s not saying, but Jamie isn’t sure what. He doesn’t push, however, just salutes him. “‘Course, coach,” he leans back on his heels, “dark and early, yeah?”

Roy nods, then pivots and mechanically goes back to the office. Jamie watches him go before turning and gathering his things. As he packs, he can practically feel Roy’s eyes on his back, but he knows when he turns, both him and Beard will be staring down at things on their desks. Whatever.

Jamie doesn’t run into anyone on his way out, and he’s grateful, taking a breath when he gets in his car then speeding off. He feels itchy under his skin, like when his foot falls asleep but the sensation is all over his body, and he kind of regrets leaving Nelson Road because he thinks running a few extra laps up and down the pitch would soothe him, if only a little bit. Despite this, when he gets home, he just gets out of his car and goes inside. It’s not that he’s worried about a repeat of his solo jog that one morning. It’s just really hot outside, what with it being late July and all, and he just showered, like, thirty minutes ago.

Every time a notification goes off on his phone, his stomach flips in a really awful way. Jamie turns off his phone.

Maybe now that he’s said something, it’ll die down. Since he’s made it clear he’s not bothered by it, that he can take whatever they give, they’ll stop.

And then, the first match of the season, Jamie walks onto the pitch, and a familiar song starts up. It’s not his song — but it’s certainly for him.

“Are they singing . . . ‘Barbie Girl’?” Colin asks from behind him.

“And changing the pronoun to ‘he’,” Jan adds, helpful as ever.

Jamie catches sight of one of the cameras recording the match, grins and sticks out his tongue, and when he looks to the opposing fans’ side, he even gives a little bow. Just for them. He thinks about something Lasso said to him once about bullying, after he stopped being a dick to Nate and asked why Ted never stepped in. Acknowledging it almost always makes it worse. Sorry that Jamie had believed in the ‘almost’.

;

After getting booted from Keeley’s and after a dinner at a kebab place that Jamie knows is good because Roy didn’t actually make him sit and watch — he picked bits of lamb from the skewer and placed them on the napkin i​​n front of Jamie without a word — it’s not unusual for him and Roy to get dinner together. Sometimes it’s just them at Roy’s, who’s a better cook than his mum but not better than Simon, and sometimes it’ll be at a pub, and sometimes they’ll go to a restaurant. It was with ruddy cheeks that Roy admitted the kebab shop was like his church, but Jamie wasn’t judging. He thinks he understood the ecstasy of St Theresa after a bite of that lamb.

Tonight, however, Roy drops Jamie off at his place, and then parks the car and follows him in.

“Uh,” Jamie says when Roy stands in the entryway, a hand behind his back, posture stiff, “can I help you?”

“Go to your room,” Roy replies, and Jamie’s eyes go wide, and he says, “O-kay, Daddy,” before he backtracks, but Roy is backtracking too. “I mean, go somewhere that isn’t behind me or the kitchen.”

Jamie’s mouth drops into an ‘o’. “Right. Okay. I’ll just go to the living room, then.”

Roy nods, and Jamie walks slowly to the couch, backwards so he can watch Roy watching him.

He manages to sit still on his couch for a good two minutes, listening to Roy clattering about his kitchen, before he hops up and goes to sit at his dining table instead. It’s there that he sees a paper bag, and it takes everything in him not to peek into it. At the sound of the chair scraping against the floor, Roy leans back from where he’d had his head stuck in Jamie’s fridge, and he turns to look back at Jamie, who smiles innocently at him. He even waggles his fingers in a wave for good measure.

Roy rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, so Jamie thinks it’s fine, and he doesn’t think about how good it feels to be the one behind Roy Kent’s smile. Roy goes back to rummaging through the fridge.

Eventually, Jamie gets roped into helping out, but all his complaints are customary, and he thinks if he had allowed himself — if he had been allowed — to dream about domesticity, this is exactly how it would’ve been. Right down to the celebrity footballer. It’s kind of perfect.

Then, Jamie’s phone goes off.

It’s his news app, which he keeps forgetting to turn off the notifications for, and it irritates him every time, but especially when he actually clicks the notification ‘cause the story looks interesting, only to find out he’s somehow already used up his articles for the month, and would he please be willing to spare a few pounds every month for more? In theory, yes, he is willing. In practice . . . he has other places to put his money.

That being said, the irritation he feels then is nothing compared to the humiliation he feels now, reading the headline: This Barbie is a Footballer: AFC Richmond Jamie Tartt’s new song.

Roy is turned the other way, so luckily, he can’t see the way Jamie’s smile immediately drops from his face. This shit isn’t even important! It’s just some stupid fan war mess, the opponents’ fans trying to get in his head, and it’s not fucking working, alright? He doesn’t care. He’s just embarrassed that it’s apparently made the news. It’s really not a big deal.

When he looks up from his phone, Roy is looking at him. Jamie swallows.

“It’s nothin’,” he tells him. “Just some politician, saying some stupid thing. Sam sent it to me to rant.”

Roy nods, but he looks like he doesn’t believe him. Jamie’s voice had wavered in the middle, so he doesn’t believe himself either. But he still doesn’t budge, just leans back against the counter and waits for Roy to either turn away or say something in return. Roy turns away. Over his shoulder, he says, “I have something for you after we eat.”

“Whatever’s in the bag?” Jamie asks. Roy grunts. “Is it concert tickets? Am I goin’ to see Taylor fucking Swift? The bag’s just to throw me off, obviously.”

“Fuck no,” Roy’s response is, pun intended, swift and immediate. Jamie grins. “You’ll see later. Just . . . wait.”

Jamie groans. “Fine. But it better be good, since you got me all excited for the concert.”

Roy gives him a stern glare. Jamie puts his hands up, then gets back to washing the dishes they’re done using.

All throughout their meal, Jamie struggles to sit still, and his eyes, without fail, return to the bag. It becomes enough of a problem that Roy takes the bag and hides it in his lap, but Jamie’s no coward, so his gaze still wanders to — well.

“The quicker you finish eating, the sooner you get to see it,” Roy growls out around his own mouthful of salmon and quinoa (Jamie was surprised he had those things in his freezer and cupboard too, but it made a damn good meal, so he’s not complaining).

Jamie grows a lot more focussed after that, and he’s done within minutes — nay, seconds. Roy raises his eyebrows in approval. Jamie licks the leftover glaze for the salmon off his fork for good measure. Roy looks down at his plate.

Once Roy finishes eating, the paper bag makes its triumphant return, Roy setting it between them. He nods his head at it, and Jamie takes it quickly, before the other can change his mind and take it back.

He doesn’t expect what he pulls out, but he feels like he should. He looks between the Barbie and Roy, who’s staring at Jamie with a gaze so intense Jamie worries he might burn up from it. If this had been bestowed to him any time the year before, especially from Roy, he’d think it a continuation of the insult. But all he feels right now is laughter, the weight in his stomach turning into something bubbly and light that works its way up his throat and past his lips. Slowly — because he’s out of practice, the old fart — Roy begins to smile back.

The stupid fucking made-to-move soccer Barbie is even wearing an England kit, and when Jamie turns her around, he grins at the number and name on the back.

“You fucking dick,” he says, the words coming out as a hiss through his teeth, that’s how hard he’s grinning.

“You’re Jamie fucking Tartt,” Roy replies, and Jamie wishes he had a word to describe the look the other was sending him, but the best he can do is say how it makes him feel — really fucking good; like nothing could ever hurt him; like there is no one else in the world but the two of them; like he could go win the World Cup, the FA Cup, all the Leagues, every award in the football world, and not break a single sweat. It makes him feel a lot like he’s in love.

Roy’s not done: “You are everything. Who gives a shit if some pricks call you Barbie? You fucking own it, Jamie. You are every-fucking-thing, and they’re not even Ken.”

And Jamie will make fun of him for it later, that he’s more than aware of the movie’s tagline, but at the moment, he’s clutching the Barbie to his chest like a lifeline, and he feels a sting behind his eyes, like tears are threatening to spill, and his cheeks hurt with how hard he’s smiling.

Roy clears his throat. “Phoebe said there are ways you can change the hair, but . . . don’t use heat. It’s plastic. You can cut it or dye it fucking . . . walnut haze or whatever.”

Jamie doesn’t even correct him that it’s walnut mist. He’s close enough.

He gives the doll one last squeeze. “Thanks, Roy, I mean it.”

Roy doesn’t reply, just gives a grunt and nods his head. That’s alright too. Jamie looks down at the doll again, then leans back in his seat. He holds it up to his face, angles her head so they’re cheek-to-cheek more or less.

“Like twins, ain’t we?”

And Jamie wonders if maybe there were something in the food, or maybe in their drinks, because it seems like Roy can’t stop smiling either.

;

The opposing fans are at it again. Jamie sees Roy glance back at him and grins. He considers mouthing all good, coach, but he’s more interested in using one arm to wave and the other to hold his Barbie up the same way he had when it was just him and Roy, teeth bared all the while. The crowd goes wild, of course.

He’s Jamie fucking Tartt. He’s everything. Of course no one is going to think of him as just Ken — that’s just ridiculous.

in case you can’t tell “condemnations” is supposed to be “connotations”. ily jamieisms 💚 also i wrote this rly fast on my phone so sorry & now on ao3 if u'd prefer to read it there ✌️

[sniigura-archive]

Lmaoo!! So, I took 2 years psychology in college, and I’m gonna psychoanalyze the prude Anon who was so upset over a minor foot kink that they felt the need to message you.

I love how the prude Anon felt the need to make their text larger. Probably means they suffer from feeling ignored in real life. Most likely from a parental or authority figure.

The blatant and verbal disgust they showed for the foot fetish was less likely actual discomfort and more self disgust because a secret part of them probably liked it. It was why they felt the need to try and shame you. Because if it just made them uncomfortable they wouldn’t message you, they’d bitch to any friends they probably don’t have.

The racism also points to a lack of self confidence, going back to the need to try and prove their self worth by putting others down. It also shows a lack of emotional intelligence because they’re unable to feel good about themselves unless someone is “beneath” them. They “have” to be Better. They can’t just be at peace in their own self worth because they don’t feel they have any. It also points to either being raised by a narcissist or being a narcissist themselves… or both.

All in all, they’re the dictionary definition of the term; a pathetic, worthless cunt. 🤣

——————

I hope they read this and get mad 🥰 because how’re you gonna be so insulted over a college AU, porn with plot fanfiction? That’s chronically online behavior. 🤣

I look forward to how you can possibly incorporate the piss kink if you were serious about that. I’m personally not into water sports but I love your writing so I’ll make an exception 💜

Ignore the worthless Cunt btw, they’re pathetic.

prude anon hdisjsjdjd it’s very weird behaviour ngl like ok!!!!!! at the end of the day i have fun and they don’t obviously 😭😭

i think they made the text lager so i couldn’t read it in the preview and had to read it fully ig??? which is lots of effort to put in next time just tell me to kill myself because that has at least some bite to it

the fact that the person like looked at the tags of my fanfic, probably read all the other parts, and then decided to hate on me is so???????? ok did i force you to read that? the only person i hold at gun point to read my fanfics is my best friend

piss kink was more of a threat/joke but i will pull through if people keep annoying me im not joking mind your business or i will make adam soooo ethnic and have weird ass fetishes

i tag everything as good as i can if you still end up reading it that’s on you bro i can’t help you if you’re too stupid to navigate the internet

[kasaneteto]

obviously been in my posting era for the past few months & ive been thinking about that and what it means for me so some thoughts on that

posting as much as i have been was sparked by having to end my most recent relationship due to the realization that we were codependent & it was making it hard for us to function effectively. finn was always my guy to ramble at but there would always be times that they didnt have anything to say in response so they would just be like “okay” and i would feel so annoying :( they were never annoyed (well not usually i cant say they were NEVER annoyed by me) but my mind always catastrophizes social interactions that leave me feeling self-conscious to mean “oh they hate you”

anyways. for a while i was kind of worried that my codependency habit has graduated from finn -> posting & while im not sure that ISNT the case… i do think the posting has been good for me. ive been journaling for a couple years now but it doesn’t help me in the same way as posting stuff like this. its harder to process thoughts when im just talking to myself vs writing something out thats meant to be for someone else to read. writing with the intent of it being for someone to see helps me process things so much easier, and that doesn’t really work when im writing it in a place nobody can see it. when i was a kid i would post deviantart journals in the same way. of course back then i was a neglected child who was just looking for validation in any form & where i got it most was the internet.

i think its the fact that ive been doing it ever since i was a kid that made me feel like making posts like these were juvenile in nature and something i should move on from. but since making an effort to be more true to myself & not let embarrassment or the fear of being judged get to me, ive found that i have the strong urge to make posts and that it brings me joy when i do! it really has helped me have a clearer understanding of the way i think/feel. plus tumblr rly does kinda feel like a home website. it helps that it hasn’t changed much and a lot of the userbase i was around in its heyday are still here. it feels like a comfortable place to scream into the void where im not worried about who’s potentially seeing this shit. & thats another thing - it has helped me feel less annoying in general!

im so used to feeling like my presence is inherently bothersome and that any self-assertion is going to make people wish i wasn’t there. this feeling extrnds to posting anywhere. but thats so fucking stupid!!!! if people dont like me or are that annoyed by me they dont have to fuckin look!!!!!! just unfollow me idfc!!!!! i feel good about the level of clarity i have in my life rn and posting long rambling introspective shit like this has been doing wonders in helping me keep myself grounded. so i will continue to do so. i will say though i sometimes wonder who all is reading this shit lmao. watch there be someone out there who’s just obsessed with my ass waiting on baited breath for my next post. if thats the case then get well soon bitch….im probably too unhinged for you to handle 💅

[sparxwrites]

The Asshole-Of-The-Internet AU

sparx god. dsmp has internet and comms are iPhones and tommy gets banned from dsmp Twitter so he has to anonpost on dsmp 4chan

hoodie RKJGHRKGHKJGHERHGJHRHGH TOMMY ON 4CHAN OH NO

sparx …………oh no now I have “what if asshole-end-of-the-internet dsmp au” 4chan kiwifarms whatever else

hoodie they try to radicalize him but it doesnt work bc he literally is in exile

sparx SCREAMING okay but au where dream runs 4chan. Wilbur stars as null who fucks up 4chan and then makes kiwifarms when he gets run off the site. tommy is the normie they’re both desperately trying to recruit. Schlatt runs rise of kings or whatever tf the pick-up artist site is called

hoodie OH MY GOD YES

sparx this is perhaps the worst thing ever I have had in my head and I do not say that lightly

hoodie its SO fucking funny tho tommy in the reddit dms with wilbur who is trying so so hard to get him to join his site but tommy just keeps asking how many bitches wilbur gets from kiwifarms and wilbur has to say 'niki left me bc i made the site'

sparx SFAHDJFKGKGLSGSHDKGHRKRL niki left Wilbur and went to found ovarit which i think is like. the radfem site heghghgh

hoodieRJKHRJGHGH wilbur radicalised niki

sparx his dick was so shit it radicalised niki………….. George on 4chan but he just fuckinf sucks at being nasty and keeps messaging dream like “there r people being racist on here :/“

hoodie george on 4chan telling ppl to stop saying slurs

sparx YEAH YEAH u see my vision

hoodie george: idk this is kind of mean :/  dream, typing out smth incredibly evil: its just the internet it doesnt matter

sparx dream has to pretend occasionally he has morals for the sake of the bussy which he still has yet to get him and quackity are moots on some incel website

hoodie hes in it for the long game RJHGH quackity is on an incel website bc sapnap and karl left him

sparx he watches Schlatt’s webinars on negging

hoodie REJGHRJHHG quackity: takes notes so he can use it to win back sapnap quackity is literally the only gay person in a sea of pathetic straight men who are threats to society

sparx diversity win! this homosexual is a pathetic man who’s a threat to society <3 techno bc he is a chad only has a Snapchat that he uses to post gym thirst trap gains pics

hoodie RGJHJGRHGH sapnap is also a chad who only has snapchat he and techno have each other added so they can compare gains quackity hate screenshots all of their posts and jerks off to them in the private of his sad sad studio apartment

sparx HRGHRJGJGKD YES Karl makes Twitter threads so long u gotta use that unroll app for them and refuses to add image descriptions tho george keeps begging him

hoodie RHGERJHGHG why is george the most moral person in this au im crying hes just a normal guy trying to do the right thing

sparx Tubbo runs a parody account of a major political figure, except he’s actually very smart and has a lot of good ideas and the political figure is very stupid and so a) many people think tubbo’s account is actually the real one and news outlets regularly report his tweets as tho they’re fact, and b) he realises slowly that the guy he’s parodying is actually copying his ideas

hoodie ERJGHEGHERJGHKJERHGJGHERJHGJHGERJGHJGHRJGHRGH THATS....OH MY GOD wait what if the political figure is like Eret or smth

sparx Tommy: tubbo they banned me from 4chan :(  Tubbo, typing under his “@scrotus” account: wait a second Tommy I’m trying to influence international trade policy with China

hoodie KJERGHEKJGHJRGHGHRJGRHJGH clingyduo in this au goes so fucking hard also dream violating the rules of his own site to ban tommy is SO funny tommy has to go back to reddit

sparx I do also love the exile implication that it’s possible to get banned from 4chan YEAH

hoodie dream just wants tommy's cringe ass off of 4chan tubbo should honestly be banned from twitter but at this point everyone is convinced hes really eret and eret's actual account gets banned for impersonating a public figure

sparx hrbrhfhfr YEAH eret does not attempt to get unbanned bc at this point he desperately needs tubbo to keep his ratings up

hoodie tubbo is really the only thing keeping the public opinion of him up tubbo is the last bastion of hope for his reelection tommy literally is barely aware of all of this hes too wrapped up in whatever tf is happening with wilbur and dream ranboo has a tumblr

sparx ranboo has a tumblr and has no idea tf is going on out there

hoodie eryn used to have a prank youtube but he went too far and got permabanned JHRGHRJHG ranboo is safe....

sparx he's busy reblogging fanart of the founders of 4chan and kiwifarms kissing

hoodie KJRFHEJKGHJGHRJGH dream considers doxxing ranboo for this crime bc ranboo is the one drawing that fanart

sparx YES YES YES

hoodie wilbur on the other hand turns the fanart into his mousepad and sends pictures of it to dream

sparx tommy: ranboo why are you drawing rpf of my brother  ranboo: wait these are real people  ranboo: ............................wait your brother founded kiwifarms?????

hoodie tommy: yeah  ranboo: ......................tommy im sorry but this has to go in your callout post  tommy: youre making a callout post about me?  ranboo: i have one in my drafts just in case : ( sorry : ( i have one for all of my mutuals

sparx aLJSDKJFHERJGKHERKJGEFKJGHE OFC HE DOES

hoodie this is all said by a guy who has been drawing fanart of kiwifarms founder kissing 4chan founder....hypocrite

sparx the joke’s on ranboo, tubbo has files on all his friends with their addresses phone numbers known aliases known associates family members birthdays social security numbers and photos of the outside of their house

hoodie TJGHERHJGHJERHGHRGHJGEGHHGG tubbo is prepared to drop these if any of them ever cross him even wilbur wont fuck with tubbo and wilbur also has the full doxes on everyone...expect for dream this is part of why dream is wilbur's arch enemy sorry this is the best au of all time

sparx this is a absolutely the best au of all time wilbur is obsessed with getting dream's dox

hoodie wilbur: tommy im not going to help you do your homework, im trying to dox dream

sparx he's like. tommy. tommy i gotta get dream's dox. there's only ONE way to do this.  tommy: stalk hi-  wilbur: seduce him  tommy: ...............aight i'm out

hoodie RKJHGJHH tommy: have fun you fucking freak wilbur: oh i will, i will : ) tommy:

sparx tubbo, absently, scrolling twitter: do you want me to make homosexual sex illegal? i could probably do that  ranboo: my fanfic is coming true?!  tommy: ..................................what the fuck is wrong with both of you

hoodie tommy: why is everyone i know a wrongun??????  ranboo: im not a wrongun...am i?  tommy: you draw fucking art of my brother making out with dream ofc youre a wrongun!!!! tubbo: im going to outlaw rollerskates

sparx DSKJFSHHKGJ tubbo's just casually running a country

hoodie tubbo is basically the president at this point shockingly a positive thing when we compare it to dsmp canon that was not so positive for tubbo karl makes a thread about how tubbo isnt actually the real president but tubbo just responds saying 'yeah im a parody account' and literally no one believes him

sparx everyone's like, oh, our eret, so witty! so funny! look how down and hip with the kids he is

hoodie RGJGHRJGH

hoodie also im watching a schlatt video rn and honestly schlatt needs to be in this au more i think he should be the third person trying and failing to radicalise tommy

sparx OKAY BUT THIS AU IMPLIES SCHLATT MANAGES TO LIKE. TAKE KIWIFARMS FROM WILBUR front page news that's like "I'M THE EMPEROR NOW BITCH"

hoodie HE SHOULD ERKJGHJRHGHGHG he fucking stages a coup

sparx jannies lockout

hoodie RJKGRJGHGH wilbur is literally flipping things in the other room HIS GLORIOUS SITE....HIS KIWIFARMS.... his unfinished symphony

sparx UNFINISHED SYMPHONY OF KIWIFARMS

hoodie JRHGH schlatt perma bans wilbur and tommy's accounts and also doxxes wilbur then hes like 'if i find out any of the users here are female im banning them too' this is how wilbur and niki eventually end up teaming up bc he convinces her that schlatt is the true evil

sparx HOWLING HE WOULD

hoodie 'this is a manly site for men ONLY'

sparx niki: wilbur i will work with you if you publicly record a video saying ur dick is tiny and ur head game sucks  wilbur: ........... :( ok

hoodie wilbur: anything to get my site back.............

sparx ranboo: so that new video from wilbur..... uhh. anyone else think it was kinda....... 😳 tommy: ranboo. my brother. i am going to kill you.

hoodie tommy: ranboo you have one last chance to apologize or i will end your life right here and now  ranboo: sorry for being gay 😔 tommy: not sorry enough!!!!!!

sparx SORRY FOR BEING GAY im gonna shit

hoodie RJGHGGHGH ranboo is sorry for being gay for your brother, tommy

sparx hmmmm who have we forgotten in this au

hoodie hmmmmm tina fundy fundy is a scorned kiwifarms mod who thought he was wilbur's fav

sparx JSHDFKJDFHG fundy: i was your SON wilbur  wilbur: fundy. you're 19. i am 21.  fundy: your SON

hoodie fundy: you ABANDONED ME  wilbur: i was literally kicked off of my own site

sparx fundy: i'm gonna kill myself now  wilbur: lmao. -wait NO DON'T

hoodie TJKGHRGHRGJH wilbur: wait bro are you joking?  wilbur three days later: i think he actually did it  fundy, not dead: taught him a lesson lol

sparx skdjfjsdkjghdfkjghdfkj

hoodie this au is a blessing

sparx it's Something!!!!

[dreamingofthedteam]

so i saw the video and im really happy for dream and that he can finally leave this entire thing behind him get it off his shoulders and just go on ahead and post mc content (ALSO YAY MINECRAFT DREAM BACK IN 2024 LETS GOOOOOOOO)

the thing that saddened me the most about this was the doxxing and swatting stuff. like that is a very horrible thing to have to go thru. that shit is not a joke i imagine, living in a country that is notorious for an overpowered police force. and i hope to fucking god that what dream predicted (that this shit is going to get out of the mcyt space and into other yt communities over time) will not turn out to be true. the story about sapnap moving in with him so that he can answer the door to the fucking police while hes live just..its depressing man. and god i hadnt ever even heard of the time he got swatted while george was live that was a fucking jumpscare he must have been so worried

but. also. i think its time for, well me atleast, to self reflect a bit? ig? for context im talking about the end of the video where he restated his boundaries. im not someone who likes to stay in the problematic parts of the internet. i run from drama like its the wildfire from asoiaf. ( i also have caved in and posted abt neg stuff im not denying anything but i try to limit to private posts) and to think that i in any way could be on the wrong side of this all by shipping dnf? it gives me a bit of self doubt, ngl. i dont know if what i do would be classified as "srs shipping" or i would be put into "/srs dnf truther" by others, but i def thought and kinda still think 'oh dnf real' and now i just dont know where i stand..? i definitely need to think on it a bit. also i think i have interacted with nsfw art on this blog before, and goddamit i cant even check coz stupid me didnt even bother to tag properly, but from now on all nsfw art (not that i expect there to be many more) will be properly tagged. and if its not just tell me (idk who even is reading this anymore but whatever). as to dnf posting? idk. ill have to wait and see the general mood on here

and also like, that bit def has left a sour taste in my mouth AND IM NOT SAYING THATS DREAMS FAULT but its just...its tough man. dream having to change his mindset on fan spaces because of all this just saddens me a lot. and him saying that has then changed MY mindset on fandom, especially rpf, as someone whose both primary fandoms are rpf. i hope maybe in the future dream is able to engage on a more positive level and not have to just cut himself off from it entirely (im not sad abt him leaving twitter like, good riddance bitches, but i think i'll just miss a random tweet from him to wake up to)

[jondeacon]

idk.

i didn't really want to make a post about me going on a hiatus, bc i wasn't even sure what was going to happen or what am i going to do, bc idk i still don't know...this blog meant a lot to me, still does i guess, and i don't know, it pains me to stay away from it bc its my main fun and i can't imagine my life without tumblr, bc lets face it, my life is boring and i don't have anything to do with it so i waste it away on here, and it was supposed to be fun, and idk, and i love tumblr even tho it's a fucking hellsite, its just yet again i realised that i am a fucking idiot who got her fucking hopes up....

I don't know what to say, im pretty useless, i havent been posting any content for a while by now, and its mainly bc i dont wanna start anything until my exams are finally over, but then i think to myself that does it even matter anymore? Idk what does. I tried my best to make this blog a safe space to people, despite im a negative person, but all the love i can't give to myself, i want to give to others, because if i can make someone's day just a slightly better, it makes me feel a little better as well

I feel stupid and childish idk, because sometimes i know that my anxiety is the one telling me that people don't care and i'm not important at all, but i feel like that this might be true, and i feel stupid to think that i would be important to someone at all when its not the case...i can’t love right, i can’t do anything right and everyone does it better than me.

I feel stupid that i let it all be so important to me that it makes me crying and shaking, that even though i should have learned ages ago to not be a stupid piece of shit, but i can't change it i guess

On the other hand it was quite difficult to spend time on here, because im a weak piece of shit, and it just made me feel anxious whatever negative or bad shit is going to pop up on my dash or whatever..it also made me feel terrible that i started to feel bad over the one thing that made me truly happy, bc of other people...i just don't know why im like this and it just makes me cry

the overall conclusion of this is just the fact that im the biggest idiot ever to exist, who cant do anything right and just lets everything get in her way

I feel hurt in a way and its the biggest bullshit ever. Its childish and pathetic that this fucking site means so much to me, but it is what it is i guess

I really don't know what to do, because i wanna be back on this blog but then at the same time i dont think i have a purpose anymore, and i don't even have the courage to make things better for myself

I don't wanna delete, or leave, but i have no clue what to do, so me staying on my sideblog seemed the best option out of all, but i honestly don't know what to do, there’s no good option, bc if i either come back, im a dramatic bitch or whatever...i’m at a point where i’m really lost and i have no idea about anything anymore.

And i just wanna say to every single one of you, and apologise to you, if i ever hurt you or made you feel bad.

I love you all. Take care.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Playlist - Harry Styles

oh my!!! this is my celebratory fic to thank you all for 4K FOLLOWERS!!! WHAT?! there are 4k of you already? im shook. thank you guys so much for being here and putting up with me. enjoy this treat from me tonight!

based on this idea from @dirtyrottenraskel​

word count: 3.2k

masterlist

User not found.

You stare down at the words, chewing on the inside of your cheeks, not sure what you were expecting when you searched up Harry’s username. Like he had unblocked you magically? Or that you unblocked him over the night in your sleep? The situation is still the same. Neither of you can see the other on any social media platforms ever since your nasty breakup and you were the first one to block him, actually, his actions followed right after, making it impossible for each other to even stalk the other party the slightest.  

It’s for the best, you tell yourself, though you haven’t been able to convince yourself.

He really is an arrogant son of a bitch, he even made it known himself, yet you still let him fuck you over. Who needs a man who can’t tell you what he really wants for once? What 26 year-old man can’t speak what’s on his mind and treat you like a ragdoll? Like you don’t have your own life to worry about? Like all you do is sit around and wait for him to acknowledge you?

Just the thought of it makes you raged out. The fight the two of you had that one night was epic. Vases and glasses were broken, papers flew all around the place and Harry broke his own phone in his anger. You have never seen him like this, so raw, so heated with fury and emotions. It was also the first time he was able to speak what he was feeling, for once he finally told you, really told you what was on his mind and it wasn’t nice. It was too late as well. Six months into a relationship was way too late for him to reach the level of speaking. You needed more, you wanted more and it seemed like Harry wasn’t able to give you that. Following some nasty cursing, screaming and offending each other to the breaking point, the two of you called it quits.

You can still hear yourself screaming ‘What do you want, Harry?’ from the top of your lungs and the blank expression he gave you in return is burnt into your mind forever.

You blocked him everywhere that night and it took him just a few more hours to do the same, making the image he puts out for the world to see disappear from your reach. Harry Styles was wiped out of the internet for you.

“So fucking stupid,” you mumble under your breath, exiting Instagram, throwing your phone to the couch before heading into the kitchen to do what you’re best at: bake your emotions away.

Though the breakup was nasty and some pretty bad things were said, you still can’t deny that you have feelings for Harry. Despite everything that lead to the separation of the two of you, those six months you spent with him was the most intense, adventurous and memorable time you’ve spent with anyone before, a time you will always look back at and know that you grew, bloomed and became the best version of yourself even with all the suffering. Harry held a special place in your heart and even the ending couldn’t spoil the brightness he brought into your life. If only it all happened differently…

Roaming through your cabinets you hoard everything you need for cupcakes on the kitchen island, ready to bake so many you’ll be eating them every day for the next two weeks. You put on your favorite apron your friends got you for a birthday and connecting your phone to your Bluetooth speakers you put on your favorite playlist.

The kitchen soon becomes a warzone, flour covering the countertops, bowls and spoons left everywhere you went, the oven already heating up as you finish up portioning the dough. You show the first batch in and set the alarm before washing your hands so you can put on a new playlist, the previous one has already played two times since you started.

Spotify has had a new update not long ago. Many have titled it as the Nosy Update, since thanks to it the app keeps offering you to check out playlists your friends have made if you are listening to a song they have added to their list. It only happened to you two times, because your taste in music is so different from your friends’, it’s hard to find songs someone else you follow likes as well.

Love Drunk by Boys Like Girls is playing when you unlock the screen and the little window pops up about the suggestion and you almost immediately close it, but then you see what it really says.

You are currently listening to Love Drunk, a song your friend Harry has recently added to his playlist: Tantrum. Want to check out his playlist?

Lips parted and eyes widened, realization hits you hard that the only place you never thought about blocking him was Spotify. It’s not a place where you often check what other’s do, it’s just a habit to follow your friends and that included him as well. When you went on your blocking spree it never occurred to you that he could pop up in this app as well, but now it happened and you are not sure how you are feeling about it.

A tiny part of you is telling you to just get rid of the message, block him here as well and never think about it again. However, a bigger part of you is rather curious about this playlist of him, especially because of the title. It has surely made you think and now you just need to know what he has been listening to. So before your rational side could stop you, your thumb taps on the link to the playlist and then there it is.

A playlist filled with angry breakup songs he has added not long after your final fight.

You read all the song titles and end up playing the whole thing. It’s nicely curated, he managed to find the best songs that go well with how you and assumingly he as well was left following your breakup. As much as you want to get rid of him in every way possible, you find yourself letting the playlist stay on repeat as you finish up baking.

One song after the other and then it starts from the beginning again. The songs bring some kind of relief and entertainment, you find yourself jamming to the playlist way more enthusiastically than you would admit to, but you are convinced this stays your little secret.

However, the one thing you don’t know about the Nosy Update is that it’s a two way street. Because once Spotify finds out that you’ve been enjoying Harry’s playlist, it sneakily lets him know about it

That night, when Harry opens up the app to listen to some soothing music in the shower, the following message pops up on his screen, making his heart skip a beat immediately:

Y/N has found your playlist Tantrum quite enjoyable! She’s been listening to it on repeat. Do you want to recommend some more music to her? Send her your favorites!

You live your days oblivious to how big of a snitch Spotify has been, thinking that no one even suspects that Harry’s playlist has been your most played one for a week straight. It’s not the only aspect of your life where Harry has managed to make a comeback in.

Ever since you got hooked on Tantrum, you’ve been thinking way too much about him and what should have been done differently that would have possibly saved your relationship. Your anger has been slowly turning into something else, something calmer and essentially more emotional. No doubt you have grown to miss Harry way too much these past days and though everyone keeps telling you that time will heal all your wounds, it feels just the polar opposite and you don’t know how much longer you can keep up without breaking.

It’s a rainy afternoon when you find yourway back to his playlist, but this time you don’t stop there. Following a long debate with yourself you end up on his profile, browsing all his playlists and that’s when you notice his latest one. The title already makes your heart sink. It’s named Falling, a song of his the two of you have talked so much about, the emotions and meaning behind it always stunned you, how he was able to capture everything he felt. Something he wasn’t able to do with his words when it came to you, unfortunately, but you put your bitterness aside as you open the playlist and scroll through the songs.

The anger and fury from Tantrum is long gone, this list is filled with emotional songs that were all built around the same thing: a painful end of a relationship, feeling empty and full of regret, missing your loved one.

Without hesitation, you connect the phone to your speakers and start the playlist, letting yourself get lost in the vibe Harry has created and as you sit on your windowsill, watching the pouring rain, you find yourself aching to know if this is how he feels as well. If the pain you feel in your chest thinking about him also numbs his body, if he is as wrecked as you’ve been feeling since your parting.

If he misses you as dearly as you’ve been missing him even before you lost him. When you were feeling him drifting apart with all the barriers that were slowly building between the two of you, tainting the happiness you could have had.

As you let Falling play for the millionth time that evening another message pops up on Harry’s screen.

Y/N is a fan of Falling. You two share the same music taste! There’s nothing like a playlist personally made for you. Create one for Y/N and bring her the joy of music!

Harry stares at the message for a long time, imagining you listen to the songs over and over again. This weird connection has been the only thing he had with you ever since you walked out of his life and he noticed that you were eager to wipe his existence out with blocking him everywhere. The spikes in his chest following the breakup are still stinging, but he can’t deny the torturous pain he has been feeling because he has been missing you so terribly.

He knows he was in the wrong and he could only blame himself for ending up heartbroken. He also knows he is the worst when it comes to communicating in his relationships, but he has never felt devastated enough following the failing of one to change himself. It was until you confronted him and the two of you ended up having the wildest fight of his life. Harry considers himself a calm and temperate man, but you were the first person to bring this unknown side of him. It was as if he was set on fire and he could only put it out with letting all his anger out. He still can’t believe the things he said and the way he acted.

But as time passed by and the more he thought about it, he realized that it was raw passion. In a way you set him free from this invisible box he has been put into, one that didn’t let him experience the real depths of his feelings. You were the one who showed him how intense it could be, what it’s like when you are feeling so many things at once that you just burst open.

It didn’t take him long to realize how badly he fucked it up, how much he loved you and didn’t want to lose you, but it was too late. You had blocked him everywhere and that was a sign he took seriously; you wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Right until this tiny fracture appeared on the wall that was built between the two of you and now that he knows you’ve been listening to his other playlist as well, clearly aware that they were made by him, he can’t help but trying to figure out a way to tell you he is terribly sorry.

And then he thinks of a possible way to use this odd way of communication to finally speak his mind to you.

It’s a Sunday afternoon when your phone’s screen lights up with a notification. You’ve been going through your wardrobe all day, sorting your clothes out to make some space for new ones, donating the ones you don’t wear anymore. Your whole bedroom is filled with shirts, skirts, dresses and pants you once wore proudly. There are plastic bags filled already, ready to be given away, but you still have a lot to go through.

Just like anytime these past days, Falling is playing again when you get the notification from Spotify and you grab your phone from your nightstand, holding an old sweater of yours as you freeze at the message shown on the screen.

Harry has made a playlist just for you, Y/N! Go and check it out!

You click on the notification faster than the speed of light and the title makes your stomach drop.

For my Y/N, the title reads. Your eyes are caught on it for a few seconds before scrolling down to the songs. You go over it quickly, not seeing the pattern in it, because it’s filled with different genres and types, they don’t go well together. Until you finally spot the connection. Reading the titles going down the list, it gives out a message he clearly tried to get to you.

You re-read it over and over again, a smile spreading across your face with each read song title. You have no idea how he figured out that you’ve been listening to his playlists, but you guess the Nosy Update does more than just suggesting you playlists from your friends.

Quickly you exit the playlist and go to create one of your own with only one song on it: Come Over by Rudimental, Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne. The song is not only fitting because of the title, but the message is also what you are trying to get over to Harry.

Saving the short playlist you tap on the option to suggest it for Harry, hoping he would see it.

He does. Because just a few moments later you get another suggestion, it’s a one song playlist as well: OTW by Khalid.

A relieved chuckle leaves your lips, letting the fact sink in that Harry really is about to come over. Then you realize that your place is a mess so you quickly get down to business to make it appear presentable. Unfortunately, you are left with not much time, given the fact that Harry leaves only a ten minute drive away from you, so you’re only able to hoard part of your clothes back into your wardrobe before your doorbell goes off, making you jump. You didn’t even think of doing some touchup on yourself either, but you already missed out on the chance. Harry will see you for the first time since your breakup with messy hair and no makeup, wearing baggy home clothes.

You try to push it into the back of your mind as you rush to the door and swinging it open your breath is taken away, because he really is there. Standing tall and handsome as ever, Harry stares down at you just as stunned and at a loss of words as you try to find yours as well.

“Uh, come in!” you invite him inside at last. Harry mumbles a quiet thank you as he walks in and kicks his shoes off, knowing well you like them off inside. He hasn’t forgotten the little things just yet.

Standing in your not too big living room he turns around and his eyes find yours again. You expect him to struggle with his words, because that’s just what he did, that’s what caused you to end up here, but tonight is different.

“I hope my way of reaching out wasn’t too creepy,” he starts, making you chuckle.

“If anyone is a creep here, it’s me. I’ve been listening to your playlist for quite some time now.”

Harry quietly nods before moving onto the next thing that’s pretty straight forward.

“Y/N, I know what I want,” he states confidently.

“Oh,” is all you can react with before he continues.

“I want you. I want all of you. I want the passion, the love, the drama, everything that comes with you. I love who I am when I’m with you, I love how you make me feel, I love growing with you, becoming a better version of myself. I know I fucked up and believe me, I’ve been beating myself up for it nonstop ever since. I never thought I could feel this way, it’s so intense and I don’t want to give up on it so easily. I love learning new things with you, I love how you scold me whenever I’m mumbling too much, I love how you always seek my look first when you tell a joke in a group. I love waking up next to you, I love being the one who get to see your real self. I love…” He takes a deep breath, as if he needs all his strength to finish his monologue. “I love you, Y/N. Even when we are fighting, even when you are screaming at me. Scream all you want, I want to know how bad I fucked up. Don’t hold back, I deserve it all, but please…” His voice dies out and the torturous look on his face pains you hard. “Please, let’s make up after, let me beg for your forgiveness and show you how much I love you and need you. Because I do. And I’m sorry for being such an arsehole and not saying it, but I felt it, I promise.”

You could burst, the immense happiness his words just brought you are making you feel like you could fly if you wanted, like nothing is impossible. All the pain you went through since your fight is slowly vanishing and though you still need to process it, you know one thing for sure: you want to do it with Harry.

“So you’re fine with me screaming at you?” you ask following some silence, the corners of your mouth curling up, a sign for Harry that he got what he wanted: you.

“All you want, baby. Scream, shout, hit me, whatever you want just please don’t leave me again,” he breathes out, and leaping in your way he closes up the distance between the two of you, wrapping his arms around you while your hands fly up to cup his cheeks.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” you murmur, noses touching as you both share a smile right before he presses his lips to yours, the kiss finally breaking down the wall between the two of you.

Later that night, you do some serious unblocking. In a lot of means.

Thank you for reading! Like/reblog if you liked it and leave a feedback!

[mypimpademia]

Bakugo, Todoroki, and Shinso quarantining w black s/o

Bakugo x Todoroki x black!reader x Shinso

TW: Swearing, refers to sexual activities at the end of each of them

Note: Yes, I did do most of this stuff in quarantine. [And they're aged up as always]

BAKUGO

He honestly feels like he's losing his shit

And he probably would if he did have you with him

You guys are staying up all night and watching Wild n Out, Basic to Bougie, 90 Day Fiance, all that shit

And of course Bad Girls Club

He claims he hates 90 Day Fiance and BGC, but he stays watching that shit, even if he has the remote or youre on his phone

His sleep schedule is fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean its a few hours past the old man's bed time

He goes to bed at 1 am now instead of 9 pm

But still wakes up at 9 am

He took a leave on hero work because of covid

He loves his job almost as much as he loves you (aw💖)

But hes not gonna risk his health for it

"Fuck all that bullshit, as much as I love my job, I'm staying my ass in this house. And you are too. I'll be damned if you catch it, especially if its from me."

Yall only go out once a week

He could minimize it to once every other week, but he tried that and it almost drove him crazy

There aren't any exceptions unless there's an emergency

Makes you wear gloves and use a reusable mask that he washes as soon as yall get home

And you get mostly essentials but he'll ask you if you want candy or anything and he'll buy a big box of brownie mix if you like brownies just to hold you over for a while

Also stocks up on meds like pain killers and allergy pills

No fucks given, he will hit up different stores for toilet paper

"WHY ARE ALL THESE FUCKIN IDIOTS TAKING THE TOILET PAPER?? I KNOW DAMN FUCKIN WELL YALL DONT SHIT THAT MUCH, AND HALF OF YALL PROBABLY DONT EVEN WIPE."

Hes gonna experiment with cooking more now that he has time

Writes down all the recipes that work out

Youre his taste tester so you best believe you bouta be eatin good 😌

If you want your hair done he'll order it online unless yall are already out

Hes gonna make sure that you're eating good and feeling okay because these are tough times 🥺

But hes gonna do it in his own way and act like he's not concerned

"Hey idiot, do you wanna pass out? You haven't been drinking water today, I can tell. I'm getting you a full cup, you better drink it all."

"You haven't eaten anything today, I'm making you dinner."

"Your hair is dry, come here so I can help you put oil on it. I keep telling you to take care of it, ill laught at you if you go bald." He wont

Also has you work out with him do you can stay in shape

Libido?

Yessir

Every other day, anywhere (except in public because hes not about to get sick), at anytime

It goes 50/50

Sometimes its just because hes in the mood

Other times hes feeling really soft and wants to show you that he loves you

All in all its a mixture of Bakugo losing his shit and loving you all in one

TODOROKI

He's pretty chill about it

Just super bored

Starts watching BGC, binges Basic to Bougie and 90 Day Fiance

Oddly enough he really enjoys watching Love & Hip Hop????

He finds it interesting

Especially likes Cardis season because its funny and hella memes came out of it

Don't get me wrong tho I aint a Cardi stan but you gotta admit that she's mad funny im a barb at heart tho

His crackhead really comes out over quarantine

He'll start referencing random ass memes

Hes mostly on leave for hero work unless they really need him

In that case he wears a mask and gloves out

When he gets home the first thing he does is reference BGC

"WHATS UP BAD BITCHES"

And thats how you know he's home

Goes to bed at like 1:30 - 2 am

Only because he doesn't want to be passed out if he's needed for hero duties

Goes out every other week

Mainly for basic essentials, but if you want a little extra he'll buy it

Anything else he'll buy online

Also goes to other stores to buy more toilet paper

Figured out that hes really good at crochets

So if you want your hair done he'll order any crochets you want off Amazon and do them for you

Takes care of you and makes sure your doing well all together

"Did you eat today baby?"

"How much water have you had today?"

"Have you been putting oil on your hair?"

Lotsss of cold soba

But he cooks a few other things so that its not the same thing 24/7

Asks Fuyumi for help when he doesn't know how to cook something super well

If you're the type to go to bed hella late, he'll make sure you sleep a full 8 hours

Even if you wake up after 5 he'll ask you to take a nap with him

Has you work out with him every now and then so you can both stay healthy

Not too much libido

He didn't get in the mood like that even before quarantine

Its not every other day like Bakugo though

More like twice a week

Anymore than that and it'll probably be because you needed it rather than him

If its after a mission it'll be slower just so he can show you how much he loves and appreciates you for being someone he can come home to and just being you

If its more spontaneous he'll be slightly rough but still a pretty slow

But it's a lot of crackhead Todoroki and soft Todoroki

SHINSO

He's doing fine

Just more bored than usual

I feel like Shinso likes cartoons so hes rewatching a bunch of childhood cartoons

Steven Universe, Adventure Time, Regular Show, all that good shit

Lotsss of cartoon quotes

Yall are having a pillow fight and he grabs 2 pillows and claps you?

"Cheatin ass bitch."

"Street rules, man." (Regular Show quote for those who don't know)

Please sing the bacon pancake song (Adventure Time) with him while yall make breakfast

He'll be so happy

If you do something stupid hes gonna do a lemon grab (Adventure time) quote

"UNACCEPTABLE"

On leave for hero work

Really doesn't care about getting himself sick unless he gets super sick or dies

But hes not about to get you sick

He'd genuinely rather get himself sick and die than get you sick

Yall go out twice a week

Once to get essentials and another just to get out

I feel like shinso is a decent cook so he'll cook for you

Write down recipes that you like

Also gets some off the internet

Works better with natural hair than braids and crochets

So he'll do slick backs for you and maybe give you a ponytail or something if you ask but he'd rather do 100% natural just because hes better at it and he likes natural black hair

Can also do half wigs

Takes care of you more than himself

So you have to take care of each other

"Did you drink water today, Doll?"

"I did, did you?"

"Did you eat today?"

"No, and you haven't either. What should we eat for lunch?"

"You havent been putting oil on you hair. Do you want me to help you, kitty?"

Small work out sessions

Maybe like 15 min a day

Full body tho because hes too lazy to split up days

Does to bed at like 4 - 6 am

Mostly just watching YouTube and binging cartoons and eating

Insomnia Cookies? (If you dont know, its a cookie place that delivers till 3 am and theyre so good-)

YESSIRRR

Yall gain back any weight you burned off from exercising earlier that day

Pizza, cookies, chicken nuggets, fries, fried chicken, etc.

Basically just a constant sleep over

Libido to the max

Once or twice a day

Nothing public because germs

Normally rough

But every now and then he'll get soft and just tell you how much he loves you and appreciates you

His aftercare for times like that consists of a bubble bath, lots of hugs, food and cartoons😌

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

5:42 am

*TW: discussion of antisemitism

currently listening to: smack a bitch by rico nasty

i woke up sweating like a damn pig because my fan broke a few weeks ago (it's so freaking hot) and because i had a dream about someone i know. i feel like my consciousness only caught the tail end of it, but it was enough to make me paranoid that i texted them in my sleep lol

anyway, i'm up now so whatever. i was thinking about fundamentalist christians before i fell asleep, and idk if it's just because of how much of a genuine pet peeve of mine antisemitism is. also pet peeve is a very, very bad word for what i mean but it's the best i've got. as someone who comes from a german family, i simply have no patience for it.

anyway, idk if it's be of how much of a genuine pet peeve of mine antisemitism is, or just because fundies tend to gravitate toward really pissing me off, but i cannot stand this time of year for one reason: christians who celebrate passover.

let me explain

so i have a huge hyperfixation on fundies, and i read about them a lot and follow them often because they just fascinate me. i "follow" this one family on social media (air quotes bc i mostly just look up their account, not follow) and the mom is like genuinely in need of help. also im not doxing her, she literally had thousands of followers and her following grows daily.

last year was her first year celebrating passover, and the fundie snark reddit forum was seething bc of the way she was behaving.

first of all, she said in her instagram post that there was "no right way to celebrate passover," and that there was "no book telling you how to do it." which, like, there LITERALLY is. it's called the haggadah. not that fucking hard to google. but i digress, this woman shouldn't even be allowed on the fucking internet she needs literal fucking help

then, she had the nerve to celebrate it POTLUCK style. like with a whole bunch of people from her home church, serving fucking lays potato chips and shit like this. literally nothing she served was kosher in any way

OH, OH, and she literally made the WHOLE thing about jesus

she said that passover is celebrating jesus as the sacrificial lamb

i-

i just-

i literally added this entire fucking egregious display of 1). clear appropriation of a sacred jewish holiday and 2). stupidity to my 35 page google doc on things that make me actively lose faith in the jesus fandom (i grew up christian and still tenuously consider myself christian---i was catholic). i'm literally not joking. i have a very organized google doc of things that i think the church really needs to fucking address bc i'm so tired of christians doing shit like this

anyway, so the reason i'm talking about it all this year is because she's celebrating it again this year (as a lot of fundies are in place of easter since easter is a "pagan" holiday and these people want nothing to do with paganism. the passover seder is in the bible and this family only celebrates biblical feasts) and she made a post recently that just

why

why

why

here are a few of my personal 'favorite' quotes (when i say favorite, i mean i fucking hate everything about it, just to be clear):

"every year, jews condemn us for celebrating passover. they say it is 'their' holiday and 'christians' are taking it from them." bc it IS theirs, and you ARE actively participating in appropriating it. full stop.

"i don't understand this mindset. is the bible not for all people? are we not all created by god?" i-

"this command was for the israelites to pass down from generation to generation to remember how Yahuah delivered and saved them from egypt. it is to tell their children about the goodness of god. yet it also says that if a foreigner is living among them that they must celebrate as well. so if we are simply only following the old testament, as they do, it is still acceptable for 'foreigners' to choose to celebrate the holidays of god."

it gets worse

"we celebrate it today as christians with even greater meaning though. christ is our passover lamb. and our celebrations will not be intermingled with jewish traditions and customs but rather simple biblical intruction. and jesus said that there is no longer jew or gentile, male or female. we are all children of god (those that call upon the lord and trust christ as our savior) unified by christ."

words can't not express how angry this woman makes me

AND THE FACT THAT HER FOLLOWERS ON IG EAT THIS SHIT UPPPPPPPPPPP

let me just go ahead and make this clear as fucking day: these bastardized versions of Passover are inherently antisemitic. literally all you have to do is know how to fucking read to see that everything about her reasoning is disgusting, hateful, and violent. she literally just said that Jews aren't even supposed to exist because Jesus said that everyone is unified by Christ, so everyone is supposed to be christian. and then she spent a good chunk of the post complaining about being rejected by people for celebrating Passover

UM MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING AN ENTIRE FUCKING CUNT ABOUT IT?

Jewish people are real people. They have real, honest, sacred traditions that have MEANING both historically and religiously. They are not playing pretend, they are not out to reject christian beliefs, they are not doing any of the nasty shit you think they are because of your nasty antisemetic beliefs about how jewish people behave and feel. They're literally honoring their religious beliefs, and begging you to just not do what you're doing. It's not that fucking hard to just respect other people.

At this point, i really really understand gatekeeping. i hope the people rejecting you spit on your nasty, unwashed, three-day eyeliner wearing, greasy once a month washed haired, drop-shipped boutique 'Alexa, homeschool the kids' t-shirt wearing bitch ass self. i literally hope that jesus himself looks at you after you die and goes, "no fucking way am i letting you in. are you fucking serious? what the hell was that?" i'm just so angry--like what the fuck is wrong with you? you are the furthest fucking thing from christ-like, i'll tell you that. you are a narcissitic bitch who knows DAMN FUCKING WELL that you are appropriating a fucking sacred event, and i know that because you've deleted every comment made by a jewish person on your stupid little "we love you more" t-shirt post about being rejected by others for this. it's not our holiday. it's not your holiday. you are a violent, nasty, godless piece of shit who will fight long and hard for a holiday that DOES NOT FUCKING BELONG TO YOU but won't take your fucking children to the doctor when they have broken fucking bones unless it's bothering you in some way, and even then you just fucking pray over them and pretend they're healed after.

FIND HELP.

If you want to experience a real passover seder, literally just do the work and find a jewish community willing to invite you (good fucking luck after this fucking mess tho, at this point just look it up on youtube honestly bc if i were jewish i wouldn't let you near my community with a 500 ft pole), and experience it not just correctly but respectfully. like are you fucking serious? you really want to sit there and fucking pretend that jesus would have WANTED that? that's literally hilarious of you to think considering 1). jesus was a jew himself 2). he literally flipped tables and shit when he saw the church fucking using sacred grounds for gambling and consumerism, you don't think he's going to be flipping tables at your little potluck when he sees you doing essentially the same thing to another group of people? jesus espoused love, and this is literally the exact opposite of that.

this literally infuriates me so much. and i hate that this woman and others like her are teaching their beautiful kids that this is okay, and acting like jewish communities who are hurt by this clear act of violence against their religion ARE JUST LIKE OVERREACTING OR SOMETHING? oh my god, it's on sight if i ever fucking catch some bullshit like this coming out of someone's mouth. i'm not joking. i'll lose it.

if you don't like easter, literally just say that and eat your bland boiled food, ok? go and pray or something and call it a day. but don't steal something that isn't yours, act like it is, and then get upset when everyone is like hey that's pretty fucked up of you, maybe don't do that?

anyway, if anyone ever wants to read my google doc on things that make me lose faith in Christianity lmk lol

[justcallmetar]

I haven't wrote a text post on Tumblr in a grip lmao but HNY niggas

I just wanted to reflect on my 2021 because I feel like it was probably the most interesting year of my life. I learned a lot about myself as a human being. Like so much and Im still learning which is cool. Always moving forward. I hit the one year mark staying in Indiana in my own place. I fought mad battles of depression, sleepless nights, tears, etc. Was in a serious relationship and did not end well which is normal. Im not going to be the typical person to say that it was toxic or a shitty situationship. It just did not work out like everything else and we both learned from it. I honestly never experience a heartbreak in awhile but I openly admit it was my fault. Not going into detail but whatever. I felt like I made the right decision. Besides that it was also mad shit going on lol. I was lowkey raw dogging life mentally, financially, like all the ways. I definitely don’t regret the trips I made when I wasn't suppose to, bought the dumb shit I did, etc. It seemed like this was the first year I truly experience adulthood at such a late age (in my opinion). I met so many cool people from basketball in this weird ass area of the midwest. I played so much fucking basketball dude lol. It was awesome. I would say basketball kept me sane throughout this entire year. It wasn't really gaming, or photography or whatever else I had going on. It was just the people and basketball. Definitely appreciate everyone I met and still talk to from the summer. I took a lot of walks, hiked, traveled a decent amount around here. I spent a lot of time alone man....and im cool with that. I never been by myself so much until I moved away from Ohio. I tapped into so much of myself just by being alone at the apartment, going to the gym late at night shooting around blasting music, spending nights at the office doing work, streaming when I didnt have internet. Its been such a weird but humbling experience. Im just on this bitch rambling but I dont care. Its just been awhile. Im like sitting in my chair typing this shit on my cracked MacBook hooked up to my monitor damn near about to cry because those days and nights I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. Yes.....you read it right my g....I thought about it a lot. It doesn't help that im drinking while im typing. But anyways Im thankful for my students at my new job, the people I met, and everyone that deals with me back home. I could keep typing but I think this is a good part to leave at that. But this is just a small part of my year. A lot of experiences, a lot of emotions, a lot of loneliness, a lot of everything. Just dark and light. A lot of contrast or whatever?? I guess. Well fuck it, ill just finish it. One very important thing I learned this year is that it is okay for people to not like you. Its okay to cut close friendships off. I lost a decent a mount of people this year and Im not sad about it. I always thought people come and go anyways. Shitty way to think but its whatever to me. I was just really tired of people not realizing what the fuck was going on, people being stupid, im being thrown under the bus, people being hypocrites, etc. Very tiring. Lowkey tired of being the person to get dumped on but thats been going on for a VERY LONG time. Shit since high school. Definitely met someone just like me but me and her didnt last long which again is my fault but whatever. She lowkey understood me. Not being checked on sometimes can be a big “fuck you”. I noticed people only did such thing if I tweeted some super sus shit or I just stopped communicating lol. Mad annoying. I wish I talked to my oldest brother, my parents, and my grandfather more. Well I lowkey have a long list of people I could've talked more but ya know how shit goes when its been too long. I need to learn how to give people their flowers before its too late. This tequila is beating my ass lmao. This is lowkey refreshing but I know im all over the place. lol this shows you how much I express myself. Niggas know I hate talking. Never was like this. Im getting sleepy. Work in progress still. 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know the wildest thing still to happen to me on this hellsite was my first experience of sexting, sans nudes, that was done in front of at least 250-500 followers because of those horny anons i had in early 2013 when i was 17. instead of being exposed to it on my phone privately with a partner at that age, it was done publicly for the internet to see lmao. i remember begging the anons to stop and “come off anon” because i was “losing followers” at the time too bc i was so insecure about my follower count lmao. and then yeah when they came off anon they were both 28 years old.

to write the responses, i just consulted cosmo mag sex pages for ideas hoping that the anons would like the options i chose. in one i detailed doing anal- a sex act i hadn’t even done yet irl- let alone every other thing i suggested in them (head, idek long, drawn out foreplay, some stupid fancy sex moves that cosmo was all like “use these moves to spice up your sex life 🔥🔥”, sex in a bath, i’m pretty sure i had some lines about tying or handcuffing them to a bed (????) etc etc etc)….

when again, i had never even done any of those above sex acts in real life. i was a naive teen who was incredibly shy in regards towards her love life because she’d “never been kissed” and had never had the “hot emo boyfriend whose in a band and is covered in tattoos” she’d always wanted, let alone even a boyfriend that she had actually fucking liked (ie clear braces boy, for like a month in year 9/2010 vs the popular boys that made fun of her, that she always had unrequited crushes on)…. hell, my blog title when i first started on here in 2011 was “the perfect epitome of being forever alone” because of these very reasons. but here she was, writing explicit sex acts to strangers like she knew what the fuck she was doing, to an audience of 250-500 people- and then to fucking grown ass men in inboxes. i was just parroting the shit i’d read in cosmo (both sex advice and sometimes excerpts of erotica/“sexy, steamy reads” they had some months) and also heard repeatedly in the porn that my high school stalker/creeper at public school loved to show (harass) me with to flirt with me, whenever we were alone together at school in 2012/2013.

like you could tell how naive i was….. because i used ridiculous lines like “like a gentleman entranced, you lead me to the bath for our next foray” and dumbass prose-y things like that. because what the fuck does that even mean 😂😅????

and this is why i think minors should be careful with their online experiences. like yeah, you could say that i wasn’t a minor anymore- more of a “young adult”- who should of made the smart decision to not engage with these anons. but i was a kid. i thought it was fun. and when the dudes came off anon, i thought to myself “it’s not like i’m ever gonna meet them if i ever go to the US or puerto rico at any point. it’s not like that they’ll ever recognise me in person or ever reach out to me again in the future. i might as well do it.” and i did eventually end up ignoring the guys in my inbox, due to my mental health kinda plummeting from the middle til the end of 2013 because of my end of high school exams and stuff… and also the puerto rican guy’s infamously inappropriate “hot PE teacher fucks HOT female high school student in the girls change room showers” fantasy which fucking disgusted me, when he full well knew that i was STILL IN high school.

and obviously again, there’s the point about using the “block” button function. but as i’ve stated several times over my years on here, back in my early days of tumblr, i never wanted to block or unfollow people (even if they were trash like these two men), because it seemed so “mean” and “final”. obvs now i have no qualms about blocking people, and actively encourage younger people on here to use the block button with reckless abandon towards creepy people or people who can hurt them in some way. but to high school teenage me, the whole “using the block button” thing seemed to go against me being a “nice girl/person” so i never used it, no matter which social media platform i was on.

this is why i’m hella scared for young teen girls on tik tok wanting to have onlyfans accounts: because it’s where they’ll be exposed to ACTUAL CREEPS AND PREDATORS incredibly quickly; all because they can make money off selling images of just their feet or eventually their body….. depending on what these creepy strangers demand from them….. and they’ll feel like they’ll have to do it…. but to do it before you even start experimenting properly with relationships and sex is even worse. like. yeah. i’ve admitted before that i originally started this tumblr to possibly post nudes, to see if i’d get the positive feedback that i so desperately wanted/craved from the boys in my year at catholic school- eg. to be called “sexy”, “hot”, “fuckable” possibly “beautiful”- like some of the so called “popular girls” got on their hella basic bikini photos back then (like i remember one girl i knew ended up with like 500 likes and a fair amount of comments on one of her bikini pics and i was INCREDIBLY BITTER because not even a pic of me with a nice outfit on, my hair done and makeup on could EVER get those numbers, let alone even break over the double digits).

but i decided posting nudes or other explicit images on here was an absolute no go, because i realised that i never wanted people that i knew digging up barely clothed/naked pics of me and sending them to me all like “hey, is this you?” and then possibly mocking me, all because i would’ve been dumb enough to put my face in them probably at the time. now when i take nudes and send them, i never show my face. because i know now, that even in relationships, your partner can use nude pics as leverage for arguments or to abuse you in such a way that they’ll upload your pics without your knowledge to god knows where on the internet probably as a way to get back at you in a horrible breakup.

this is what i sincerely hope some young girls who ever contemplate starting onlyfans accounts take some time SERIOUSLY CONSIDER. please know that if you share shit on onlyfans, it can shared and re-shared (i think idek how OF works tbh) to god knows who- and eventually end up in the hands of people you know. i don’t fucking care if it’s a “good way to make money!” or if people think that im trying to stop teen girls from being “girl bosses” and the other dumb as fuck internet memes you want to throw at me. because this shit isn’t “haha internet meme funny” material. it’s some fucking serious stuff. and also, i’m not saying “don’t become a sex worker when you’re older” or whatever either. you’re free to make that choice when you’re in your 20s (no i even mean 17-19 year olds in this post as “young teen girls”- sorry you’re basically kids to me at almost 26). just please consider where the fuck your stuff can be shared to. who it can end up being shared with or to.

this is why i was so fucking adamant with my infamous old follower mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF that i personally would NOT consider becoming a camgirl for him or just generally… because i had no idea where the fuck my images or videos would end up. and do you know the places i’d never want them to fucking be??? in the hands of my high school stalker/creeper. in the hands of those two 28yo men from 2013 (who’d now be in there late 30s or early 40s). i absolutely don’t want them in the hands the mid-to-late 20s and early 30s men that that girl i met at public school in 2012 who was pissed that i didn’t believe that were “adults” because we were finally over the legal age of consent (16) in our state of australia, and so we were apparently fine to “fuck” literal grown ass men because “just fuck them and they’ll be nice to you!!” which i knew was fucking bullshit.

i absolutely don’t fucking want explicit videos/images of me ending up in “why the fuck won’t you let me give you “sex lessons” in the back of my car as a “favour” and as payment for teaching you how to drive you stupid, stuck up & frigid, virgin bitch!?” guy’s hands from 2014 (when i was 18/19 at the time and he was 25… he ended up being the first person of many i’d EVER block on social media lol). or i don't want them in the hands of those weird early 20s dudes (one of which was trying to set me up with his friend) who hit on me at 16/17 (2012) who were angry that i didn’t like and watch porn as much as they did…. and who promptly asked me at the end of their period of harassing of me: “do you know any sluts we could add?” because i kept refusing their suggestions etc.

hell, quite frankly i don’t even want them to go to mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF either, but the very few and far between nudes that i sent on snapchat to him back in 2016 are some nudes that i’d rather forget lmao. hell. i don’t even know if MAF ever deleted my nudes or shared them somewhere else or not, after he fucking wheedled them out of me with “i’ve followed you for 4 years, don’t be a shit! you owe me nudes!” so he’d just shut the fuck up about my social life decisions and leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t want ANY ONE of the guys i mentioned above to get their hands on photos of minors either…. because i definitely know my hs stalker/creeper would… because his fave “make her jealous” tactic that he’s always used on me is that “hey…. i’m dating a *insert teenage girl’s age here*! be fucking jealous that you don’t fucking have me and feel guilty that you won’t fuck me like this girl does!!!” just like he did in 2015, when i ran into him on the home from uni… when i turned 20 the next week and he turned 20 that december. at that time it was a 14yo girl he used as an example of him “dating”/“fucking” to make me jealous. instead, i was completely and utterly fucking disgusted. like any fucking sane and normal human being would/should be at that horrible age gap. that is literally a fucking child that he was fucking grooming. and we were literal adults. back the fuck away.

just please. PLEASE CONSIDER the types of people that trawl these kinds of sites and their intentions. please consider that you are young. very fucking young. you literally DO NOT need to upload nudes to the internet because it’s apparently a “lucrative” business. fuck the jokey “boss babe” rhetoric around it all the way to fucking hell.

because if you’re a minor: i do not want you to have your first experience of sexting or sending explicit images literally in front of god knows how many total strangers for the whole world to see (okay i know only fans is like subscriber/follower based or whatever. but i don’t care)…… even when you (depending how good you are with relationships etc) haven’t reached the common supposed milestones of your “first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” or “first kiss” or have even “lost your virginity” (which isn’t real anyway- don’t buy this fucking bullshit)…. just like i stupidly did with my exposure to sexting here on my tumblr back in 2013. these people don’t/won’t give a flying fuck about your privacy or safety. they don’t/won’t give a fuck about your boundaries either.

please don’t possibly scar yourself for life, just because you’re being told that it’s a quick & convenient way to make some money for weirdos on the depths of the internet. you will regret it in future. just like i do now with mine. it should’ve been something personal between me and and a guy i trusted and liked at the time. not to some random 250-500 random strangers on this hellsite (okay the notes on these posts were literally single digits or non-existent, but still… and also some of my irl friends who had tumblr saw these posts as well) for a show….. and then privately with two 28yo literal grown ass men…. who should’ve been fucking hitting on women their own goddamned age and in their own countries and NOT a 17yo high school KID (at the time) from australia; who, now in her 20s, needs therapy to sort this shit out lmao. mind you they both reeled me in with the “you’re so mature for your age” bullshit line…. which i fell for a little bit, even if it did make me feel kinda gross at the time, too. don’t fall for that bullshit either.

[oatmealfrappe]

‘Cherry Chapstick’ 18+

"No, absolutely not," I said pacing around my room picking up things trying to neaten the room up a little.

"Oh come on! It's really not that big of a deal," Alexis whined from where she was sitting on my bed.

"It's not that big of a deal," I threw a stuffed animal giraffe on my bed and went to sit next to the two girls who were whining and rolling their eyes.

"Omegle is dangerous, not to mention creepy." I had no intention in caving and letting the girls get their way this time.

I may have let them have ONE cigarette shared between the two of them while my Mother was out buying groceries but I was in no way going to let them get their way with this one.

"Omegle is where lonely old men go to get off to girls looking to make new friends. BAD IDEA!" I grabbed my phone from my bed and scrolled through my notifications.

"Quinn," Maya said, dragging out the word until I responded with a very firm;

"yes?" I huffed knowing what she was going to say.

"Pleaseeeeeee," She dragged out the word until I literally had to scream 'shut up' at the top of my lungs.

"You know what," I said walking across the room and grabbing my laptop and charger. "Fine, but I swear to god if I see a dick Im out."

Their faces lit up and Alexis clapped her hands together like a child. I have a really bad feeling about this. I've only ever been on Omegle one time, and needless to say that was a very traumatic experience.

We skipped through many people, suprisngly we met all kinds of interesting people. One girl in particular we spoke to for about an hour before she had to go to bed, she lives in Australia and we exchanged numbers before wishing her goodnight. Another boy was smoking some form of electric cigarette and playing his guitar.

I thought we would be meeting lots of creepy old people looking for nothing more but trouble, but I suppose we got lucky. And the fact we put in the tag "tiktok" probably helped too.

Around three hours had passed and we were still talking to so many people, making new friends, sharing our life experiences and laughing. After meeting a boy who tried to fit as many crackers in his mouth as he could we skipped to the next person.

The screen was black, and my natural instinct was to push my laptop up so the camera would be facing the roof instead of us.

I heard heavy breathing coming from the other end of the line.

"Hello!" Asked Maya trying to get the person's attention. "It's just a stupid prank, just skip."

She reached her arm out to press the skip button when a mans voice said "hi."

It caught me off guard, I thought the person on the other end was some kind of old man or a little kid playing a joke but the voice sounded more like an older boy. He had an American accent and his voice was deep but not too deep.

"Hi?" Alexis said, but it came out as more of a question.

"Show your face," the man said still covering his camera.

Clearly he had something to hide, and I wasn't going to fall for some stupid prank.

"No," I protested.

"Why not?"

"Because why should I when you have yours covered?" I made a good point.

"Your right."

"I know I am, so show your face." I was not about to play games with some stranger on the internet. I never wanted to do this in the first place so the fact I'm sitting here arguing with a stranger is ridiculous.

"I said show your face," I firmly said. "Or else." I added feeling that it was necessary to threaten him.

"Or else what?" He chuckled clearly making fun of me.

Ass hole.

"I'll close this god damn laptop right now if you don't move your hand."

"Frustrated yet?"

"Your playing games!"

"And your a whiny little bitch," his voice came out as more of a mock than an insult. But it hurt my feelings.

"Fuck you," I grabbed the top of my laptop and began to shut it.

"Wait," he pleaded.

"What do you want?"

"I'll show you my face," his voice was so compelling. He sounded like he should be directing the Jolly Roger rather than fighting with some girl on the internet. "If you promise not to freak out."

"Why the hell would I freak out?" I said, "these games are getting ridiculous."

"Just when I show my face a lot of girls tend to freak out and bombard me with questions."

"You really think that highly of yourself?" I teased.

Maya put her hand over my laptop camera "I have a proposition to make," she said taking control of the conversation. "If you show your face, we will show ours."

"Sounds like a deal to me."

"Miss ignorant, you in?" He asked.

His rude remarks disgusted me yet again.

"Fine but only if we do it at the same time, I'll count down from three." I looked at the girls for some kind of agreement. Maya nodded and Alexis shrugged her shoulders.

"Three."

"Two."

"One."

Maya lifted her hand away from the camera and I pointed my laptop so it was facing towards us. It only took Maya and Alexis a second before they were yelling and excitedly jumping on the bed.

The stranger who sat before me had his phone pointed towards the camera and was smiling a big smirk that was plastered across his handsome face.

I had no idea who this was, or why the girls had freaked out so much.

"Hi gorgeous," his smirk grew wider and although the other two were asking him questions and taking photos on their phones, he was only looking at me.

FULL STORY ON MY WATTPAD @bobabearxo​ xxxx enjoy lovelies

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 1/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: it’s me, the anon who was talking about writing a crygi stan twitter au. and as someone who has spent many hours on social media, i really enjoy reading social media aus so i decided to write one. my writing skills are rusty and i’m not sure how long this will end up being, but i hope you guys enjoy it regardless and stay for the (not really) wild ride! :-) 

Crystal was very active on stan Twitter. Being an outcast at school with only friendly acquaintances, she used it to fill her need for the social interaction she was not getting in person. 

That being said, she didn’t have a set group of Twitter friends yet. She was very friendly with all of her mutuals, having conversations on the timeline with a handful of them, but she had yet to make a deeper connection with anyone.

She had thought about joining a group chat, but they made her feel anxious. A lot of them have forty members! That seemed extremely overwhelming to her.

The poor girl had spent an hour one night weighing the pros and cons, and in the end, her desire for friendship beat her anxiety. She promised herself she would go out of her comfort zone and would rt the next group chat tweet she saw. Possibly. Maybe.  

-

She had made that promise to herself on Tuesday. It was now Saturday, and Crystal had woken up pretty early, determined to finish writing a story for her creative writing class. It was unusual for her to be up before noon, but today just felt different. Once she finished it, she opened up a new tab and went to Twitter, curious to see if anyone was awake. Jan was.

jan! • @.arisjantasy

rt to be in a random group chat!! 

requirements: 

just be nice! :)

adding the first 10 people who rt!

There were 6 rts already, so Crystal hit rt as fast as she could to reserve her spot. Jan was very nice, possibly the nicest mutual Crystal had ever made; if Crystal was forcing herself to join a group chat, one made by Jan would be ideal. 

Nervous, Crystal switched tabs, going to YouTube. Because it was so early, none of her favorite creators had uploaded anything new. She ends up clicking on an older video she had watched dozens of times. Halfway through the video, she gets a Twitter notification.

jan! has added you to a group.

jan!: hey guys!! :) 

Crystal quickly types out an introduction and sends it.

crystal: hi! thank you so much for adding me. im crystal! 

jaida: the queen of the gc has arrived. hi

crystal: hi jaida!

jan!: no problem, crystal. you seem very nice! 

nicky: bonjour ;)

gigi: good morning everyone

gigi: nicky we get it ur french

Gigi was here? Crystal saw her on her timeline a lot, despite not following her. She was Jan’s best friend, but seemed very intimidating. She reminded Crystal of the girls at school who would call her not so nice names, but she hoped Gigi wasn’t like that since she was close with sweet Jan who didn’t have a mean bone in her body. 

gigi: omg crystal hi

gigi: i don’t like 1d but u seem very nice it’s nice to meet u

Yes, it was 2020 and Crystal was still a One Direction stan account. She had lost hope that they would get back together ages ago, but she still supported all five of them. They were the only men she would ever love. 

crystal: i can change that just give me a week SKSGFDS

jaida: i love zayn does that count

crystal: yes ma’am!

heidi: HEY! sorry i’m late!

jaida: oh, miss heidi made the cut?

heidi: 9th rt, bitch.

jan!: jaida be nice :((

jaida: No <3

gigi: dont play fight yet ur scaring crystal!!! 

heidi: well. in that case.

heidi: crystal, tell us about yourself

jaida: pls.. i’m sick of these other hoes.. i’m a crystal stan now

jan!: :(( 

jan!: but yes crystal pls!

crystal: let’s see.. im crystal, im 16, a lesbian. i stan 1d, poppy, and i really like painting!! and thrifting!! 

Crystal wasn’t expecting to feel included since they definitely had an established group already. Them being interested in hearing about her made her feel like she fit right in.

She really hoped they would end up liking her.

-

A week later, the group chat was going strong. Crystal, Jan, Jaida, Heidi, Gigi and Nicky were the only ones who ended up talking in the group, so they decided to kick everyone else out. Jaida had the pleasure of renaming their chat to “Elites Only” after that, which everyone approved of.

They opened Crystal into their friend group with open arms, which Crystal was incredibly thankful for.

Crystal loved them all, but Gigi had to be her favorite. They had all shared fun facts about each other after Crystal did, and Gigi had revealed that she was also a lesbian, but was only out online. She was a cheerleader also who loved fashion and design. her account was very put together, filled with pictures of girls Crystal would later find out are from America’s Next Top Model.

Gigi fascinated Crystal.  

The other girls were also pretty cool. Jan was also a cheerleader who had high energy constantly. Jaida competed in beauty pageants, also had the pleasure of being the funniest person in the group. Heidi jokingly referred to herself as a ‘gamer girl’, but really only played the Sims 4. Nicky lived in France and had an odd obsession with sheep. Nicky also flirted with Gigi a lot and Crystal couldn’t tell if they were a thing or not. she didn’t know if Nicky was gay, but the thought that they were a thing made her feel sick to her stomach.

Crystal opened up her Twitter app on her way to school, seeing the last message to be sent was from Nicky, at nearly three in the morning.

nicky: i think you’re asleep for once due to the lack of noise.. weird and boring!

nicky: but anyway i hope you hoes have a good day <3 

Crystal smiled and hearted the message. 

crystal: someone wake up im boreeedddd 

jan!: hey im in bio!! its boring :(

crystal: im walking to school lol 

gigi: good morning jan and crystal bbs <3

Crystal knew she didn’t mean it like that, but it still made her soul leave her body. Naturally, she exited Twitter. This was far too much for eight in the morning. Far too early to address any of her feelings.

She had managed to go most of the morning without checking Twitter but eventually, after a bad encounter with one of the cheerleaders in her history class, Crystal gave in to her urges and checked her phone to try to cheer herself up.

Definitely a bad idea.

nicky: i want to post selfies before i go to bed

nicky: you all will support yes?

gigi: YES BABE!!!

Babe? Crystal wants to cry. 

jaida: i need your beauty on my tl now

crystal: yeah i wanna see what you look like

Crystal feels stupid. She’s known Gigi for a week; she doesn’t even know what Gigi, let alone the rest of them look like. Crystal thinks it’s far too early to catch feelings for someone on Twitter.

Nicky posts her selfies, and Crystal quickly confirms that she’s one of the most gorgeous women on the planet. No wonder Gigi was probably dating her. 

She goes back onto the timeline, only for it to be filled with nothing but Gigi hyping up Nicky.

gigi • @.jennerbitch

NICKY OH MY FUCJKING GO D??

gigi • @.jennerbitch

MY LITERAL WIFE WTF

gigi • @.jennerbitch

IM GAY!!!!!!

Well, that confirmed what she had suspected. 

Once Crystal got home from school, she types out a tweet before throwing her phone on her bed, distracting herself with homework.

crystal • @.mitamcrystal

sad girl hours :(

She checked her phone first thing in the morning out of habit. There were tons of messages from the group chat, as usual, but also a message outside of the group chat.

From Gigi. 

[justwritethatdown]

Bechloe Week 2020 – Day3: Drunk Texts 

We were bound to be together

An au where Beca didn't get together with Jesse and that allowed her relationship with Chloe to grow.

or

The way Pitch Perfect 1 should have gone ;)

Set during Beca’s first two years at Barden; everything goes as it should, nothing angsty happens and everyone is happy. Just a sloppy falling-in-love story between two college girls, told through their drunk texts, kind of...

Rating: T

Words Count: 2.5K

Thanks to @viharistenno for being my beta

Read here or on AO3

She took my arm, I don’t know how it happened

 After Hood Night, Beca was lying on her bed; the weird buzzing in her brain caused by alcohol made it hard for her to fall asleep. She wasn’t used to drinking and partying with strangers until late night, but she had to admit it wasn’t the worst thing she’d done. That Jesse seemed nice after all, a little pushy maybe, but Beca knew she needed a push sometimes, maybe she should give him a chance-

Her phone buzzed on the nightstand

CHLOE BEALE: Im so glad that I met you xx

BECA: Yeah, you kinda mentioned that…

Beca bit her bottom lip and a bright smile formed on her face. There was something about Chloe, that didn’t make Beca want to push her away. On the contrary, it was rather a pull, that made Beca want to get closer to her.

She placed the phone on her stomach, letting out a heavy sigh, smile still present on her lips. Beca couldn’t believe she actually auditioned for an acapella singing group, just because a crazy – naked – girl told her to, after crushing her shower and forcing her to sing with her; it was a situation that normally would have made her run for the hills and yet, she went to the audition – and she got in – and to the following party. Beca didn’t even know how that happened, Chloe had dragged her into this whole new world, and she was kinda okay with that.

It confused Beca; for the first time her instinct didn’t tell her to push this person away, it told her to get to know her better, to become her friend, but most of all Beca wanted Chloe to like her, she wanted to impress her. She checked her phone to see if Chloe had texted her anything else, but there were no new messages, so she let out another sigh – a disappointed one this time – and put the phone away.

Maybe Chloe was still with shower guy, they seemed to be pretty close at the party. Her stomach twisted and Beca huffed again; the way Chloe had grabbed her arms and how close she got to her while talking, gave her some vibes, for a moment she’d thought that the redhead was flirting with her – a thought she wasn’t completely opposed to – but then she saw her with that guy while she was busy talking to Jesse, and kicked herself for being so delusional, she was well aware they were having sex in the sowers, they were obviously together.

Beca shook her head and rolled her eyes to herself, turning to her side to try to sleep.

  I felt it in my chest as she looked at me

  CHLOE: Admit you had fun tonight! :P

Beca was a bit more tipsy than usual – okay, let’s say she was drunk – but it wasn’t her fault; Amy arrived there with the clear internet of getting the brunette drunk that night. She dumbly smiled at her phone and almost gave in, but then she remembered their bet.

“I don’t know why I let you drag me to this stupid party” she spat out when they arrived at the ΣΒΘ frat house.

“Come on, I bet you’re going to have fun” cheered Chloe making Beca roll her eyes.

“I doubt it” stated the brunette.

“We’re here bitches!” screamed Amy going straight for the alcohol table, followed by Stacie.

When her head started to spin, Beca realized that maybe she’d let Amy fix her one drink too much, but she didn’t care, not when Chloe was leaning in so close to whisper things in her ear – shout actually, to be heard over the loud music – and had one arm wrapped around Beca’s shoulders; the weight of Chloe on her felt amazing and the way Chloe looked at her made her heart do funny things in her chest.

Beca definitely blamed it on the alcohol, but deep inside she knew it was the same feeling she had the first time they met at the activities fair; that smile Chloe gave her and those blue eyes, so deep that Beca felt like she was drowning in them, knocked all the air out of her lungs and she felt her heart racing.

Even if she did run away that time, Beca just couldn’t stop thinking about her, until that girl jumped in her shower, making Beca incredibly frustrated and embarrassed. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t help but looking – more than once – at the girl’s naked body and her mind wandered without her permission. Chloe was undeniably beautiful, and her confidence made her even hotter.

Beca should have known then that she was gone, but – always oblivious to her own feelings – it took her several weeks of parties and rehearsals to know that she had, in fact, fallen head over hills for the redhead.

Suddenly Beca felt Chloe stepping away from her and saw the girl launching herself into Tom’s arms. The brunette found herself downing the remains of her drink and accepting a new one from Amy. The rest of the night is still a blur, she vaguely remembered Jesse helping her through her dorm room door and saying good night, at which she believed she grunted before the guy closed the door behind him.

Beca frowned at the memory and looked back at her phone; there was a new message on the screen

CHLOE: you disappeared tho. Stacie said you left w Jesse :(

BEC: yoy wr wit Tom

CHLOE: I told you I was going to say hi and when I came back you were gone >.<

BEC: are u tofether?

CHLOE: No, I’m alone

BEC: no I mwan ar you datingm

BEC: ?

Chloe started typing and deleting and Beca started to freak out; she’d known this girl for less than a year, she saw her with Tom from day one, she had no right whatsoever to be upset about them dating, even if Chloe had been sending her mixed signals from the start and was annoyingly touchy and loving and not-so-unintentionally made Beca’s head spin more than alcohol did

CHLOE: No, he’s not my boyfriend. We used to be fwb but I ended it a while ago because I started to like someone… :)<3

  Just keep your eyes on me

 The following day Beca felt like shit; her head hurt, and she felt nauseous, that’s why she was immensely grateful to Chloe for dragging her to that stupid party the night before their special rehearsal’s session.

“Remind me to kill you when this is over” she lamented when Chloe greeted her with her usual bright smile – the girl clearly didn’t drink as much as Beca did the night before – and a quick hug

“Can’t wait” winked the redhead, making Beca’s blood boil in her veins.

Chloe really looked amazing that morning and was clearly making an effort to be noticed by the brunette; she managed to make even that idiotic hostess choreography look beautiful. It wasn’t just the dancing, Beca found every movement Chloe made incredibly sexy, maybe because of that half confession she had made the night before, or maybe because Beca knew Chloe was doing it on purpose; she knew it because Chloe basically never dropped her eye contact with Beca, almost like she was trying to cast a spell on her, and maybe she did.

“You’re on a mission today huh?” Beca hushed to her during a break

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” answered Chloe wearing a shit eating grin

“Well, better for me then, I’m enjoying the show” she shot back without thinking too much about it and regretting it right away, but the fire it lit in Chloe’s eyes told her she’d said just the right thing.

“What’s with all this eye fucking?” suddenly spat out Amy, making the room giggle. Except for Beca who became bright red, and Aubrey who cleared her throat glaring at Chloe, who innocently smiled biting her lip.

“Did you finally hook up or something?” asked Stacie in amusement

“Can we focus on the damn choreography?” asked Aubrey grinding her teeth.

  Deep in her eyes, I think I see the future

 Beca’s plan was simple: to go to college for one year, convince her dad that she tried and have him send her to Los Angeles the following year to finally start working towards her dream of producing music. However, something along the way went incredibly wrong, or rather incredibly right, and now all she wanted was to stay there with those nerds who somehow became her family.

The look on Chloe’s face when they won the finals made Beca realize that her future wasn’t in LA, her future was right there with those girls, with Chloe. In that moment Beca felt like she belonged there; she saw her next few years at Barden, with the Bellas, and in the hug they shared, Beca felt that Chloe would be part of her life forever.

The girls celebrated in the Bellas’ sorority house and they all, even Aubrey, got incredibly wasted. Most of the girls had already moved there from their dorms and wouldn’t have to go anywhere after their party.

During the night Chloe made sure to let Beca know, more than once, how sad she was that the brunette had decided to really leave for Los Angeles in the end, instead of moving in with her, and she never left her side the whole night. They drank together and laughed and danced, and they almost kissed, but Chloe pulled away last minute confusing Beca. When Beca asked her why, Chloe mumbled with watery eyes “you’re leaving, what’s the point?”, but immediately cleared her throat and dragged Beca to dance with the others. In her inebriated state, the music and Chloe’s body moving rhythmically against hers, were enough to distract Beca from that statement. Only later, walking back to her dorm, it carved its way back into her mind.

BEC ♡: I not gng to LA  

CHLO: ???

BEC ♡: im stang heee

Chloe’s reply was a string of emojis Beca was too drunk to interpret followed by

CHLO: yoy styng w the bellassssss

BEC ♡: im staying fr you

CHLO: were gnna be cocaptnsss!!!

  This woman is my destiny

 Beca’s second year at Barden started out completely differently from her first one; she was living in a sorority house along with eight other girls and was co-captain of the acapella group she led to victory the year before.

Her relationship with Chloe evolved in a strange way; they acted like a married couple now, but they never crossed the line, both too scared of ruining what they had. With Aubrey gone, the Bellas were their responsibility and Beca knew that was what mattered the most to Chloe, so she chose to focus on their acapella group. For Chloe, not because she was scared of fucking things up, obviously.

Their mutual pinning was clear to all their friends; some of them – Amy – teased them  about it, while others desperately tried to help them figure it out.

One night, during one of their let’s-get-drunk-because-why-not nights, they were playing truth or dare

“Beca” started Stacie “truth or dare?” she asked with a wicked smile, making Beca sweat

“Truth…” tentatively answered the brunette

“Do you have more than platonic feelings for anyone in this room?” asked Stacie raising an eyebrow. Chloe held her breath at that and Beca was the only one to miss it, too occupied freaking out

“Dare” blurted out Beca “dare, I meant dare!” Beca’s heart started beating dangerously fast, hoping that Stacie would have let her change her reply, but the girl’s eyes twinkled and Beca knew she’d fallen right into her trap.

“I dare you… to kiss the girl you have the biggest toner in the world for and release us all from this ridiculous sexual tension you two generate” commanded the tall girl rolling her eyes.

Beca felt all the air leave her lungs. Everything was silent around her and all she could hear was the uneven beating of her heart. She swallowed hard looking at Chloe to see what her reaction had been and the girl’s hesitant smile calmed Beca a little.

Beca wasn’t one to back down from a challenge and the alcohol in her system only made her more competitive, but most of all, there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to finally kiss Chloe, so she crossed the circle they were sitting in to reach the redhead on the other side of it. Chloe was biting her bottom lip in anticipation and Beca could see in her eyes that the girl wanted to kiss her just as much as she did.

Beca gently rested her palm on Chloe’s cheek. They didn’t speak, but they didn’t need words to communicate; their eyes were saying all they needed to say. They expressed how much they both wanted to do this, but only if the other was okay with that, and that it was going to be okay. They completely forgot they weren’t alone.

Beca leaned in and kissed her, Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca’s neck and pulled her closer, letting out a sigh that made Beca’s heart flutter. They stayed there, kneeling in the middle of the living room, kissing slowly and deeply, their lips moved together as if they were dancing. Beca wasn’t sure who deepened the kiss, but as soon as their tongues touched, a million fireworks went off in her brain, covering the sound of their friends whooping and clapping and wolf whistling – Amy – and making her forget her own name.

Beca couldn’t have enough of Chloe’s lips. When the kiss ended and Chloe tried to move away, Beca desperately chased her mouth and started kissing her again, gaining a chuckle from the redhead. The two girls were only separated by Amy accidently bathing them in tequila while waving a bottle in the air, shouting that they had to drink to that.

After two – or was it three? – Bhloe drinks, as Amy had named them, Beca was still snuggled up next to Chloe. They shared some quick kisses during the rest of the night and when they decided to go wrap it up, Beca really wasn’t ready to sleep. All she wanted to do was kiss Chloe all night long and the morning after, and for the rest of her life. When Chloe pulled her in for another kiss, she was happy to welcome Chloe’s tongue in her mouth again

“Good night, baby” whispered Chloe against her lips before leaving.

Beca was lying awake in her bed; she could still feel the ghost of Chloe’s lips lingering on hers. She took her phone and started typing.

BEC ♡: I lied at trth o dre I dont have a tner for you

CHLO: Bec…

*CHLO IS TYPING*

BEC ♡: Im crazy abt yoy! youre my destiny

BEC ♡: you’re

CHLO: you jst gve me a heartattack yoi asshole1

BEC ♡: srry xD

CHLO: wnna cme here to sleep w me?

BEC ♡: we r drnk…

CHLO:  I jut wanna slp

BEC ♡: Any wll tease th shit out of us

CHLO: I don’t care

CHLO: I miss u

Beca didn’t really use much her bed in the Bellas’ house.

[literaphobe]

Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.