#ive never felt butterflies like this not even when the boy who fucked me up told me he loved me

[kquil]

🧁- Hiii, I've never done one of these before but here I am.

I'm a 5'3", pansexual, Cis girl, and I'm open to many relationship dynamics (poly, non-sexual, stuff like that). I have shoulder-length wavy blonde hair. My style of clothing is sweatpants or ripped jeans with lots of graphic T-shirts. I don't do makeup very often but I love to dress up femininely with cool makeup looks (that cosplayers do) every so often.

I'm a super awkward nerd, who has anxiety and ADHD, but I can be pretty funny (sometimes) once you get to know me. I've been sorted as a Hufflepuff. My patronus is a deerhound, which I love because I love dogs.

I love all sorts of animals, horses & wolves especially. I love reading books, drawing, and listening to music (country, rock, old hits, 2000s, and pop). I'm not a big sports fan, but I enjoy watching American Football. I'm not very active but like walking with my dog. I grew up around car guys so cars interest me. I prefer hanging out with a small group of my close friends (or a quiet day with animals - like horseback riding alone or snuggling with my dog) over large crowds of people even if I know them all.

---sorry that was a lot, but I love your writing, I love your series heroes in tattoos! it's an amazing story!! Thank you for doing this, you are an amazing writer!!

no no! that was the perfect amount darling, not too much, not too little, thank you for celebrating my 1k milestone with me! and for enjoying my writing so much! ahhh! im so flustered! ໒꒰ྀི ∩ ⸝⸝ ∩ ꒱ྀིა but im so sorry this took me such a long time to write this for you, i hope it's to your liking

i ship you with, Sirius Black

i. as a dog lover, you love it when sirius is in his animagus form; he loves it too because you cannot resist the urge to cuddle and kiss him and since he’s so touch starved he never gets tired of it. He will happily spend the entire day with you in his animagus form, in fact, you spent many weekends together with him in his animagus form just soaking up your love 

ii. sirius finds so much comfort in you and the two of you have so many memories together just spending time in silence or with music playing in the background, him doing his thing and you doing your thing and, most of the time, you two start or end up cuddling each other. he’s never felt so at peace and he loves you so much for it; you’ve become his safe space and him, yours. 

iii. he understands that you don’t usually like being around big crowds but you try to be there for him at parties because he’s such a social butterfly. Every single time, he kisses you as thanks and doesn’t leave your side when at the party, even when you encourage him to spend time with the boys, “you’re here with me, why would i want to spend time with the boys?” was always his response

iv. when he found out how much you like horses, he went out of his way to book a session on a ranch where you can take horses out on trails through forests and mountain landscapes. he was horrible at horse riding and was constantly getting overwhelmed by being with them but you were a natural and befriended your horse quickly. He loved seeing how gentle you were and how well you got along with them, it was as if you were a real life princess and he felt so lucky to have you in his life. you two had the best day together, you got to be around horses and sirius and sirius got to be around you and see you smiling and happy

v. he loves your not so feminine style of clothing, he thinks you look hot and the two of you easily borrow each other’s clothes. when you dress yourself up a little more, however, he is weak-kneed, faint hearted and red faced because “fuck, you’re so pretty,” you would laugh at his flustered response and eventually smile in thanks, which was just the final hit! next thing you know, he’s on the ground, unconscious but with the goofiest, love-sick smile on his face.

1K MILESTONE EVENT : CLOSED | NAVI.

[jamieleecvrtis]

MANU RIOS as PATRICK BLANCO in ELITE Season 4 | Episode 1 | “The New Order”

It’s not cheating over clothes.

[dontbipanicjonsa]

A confusing clusterfuck of thoughts re: Jonsa

Or: why the fuck are Jon and Sansa so compatible if they're not canon, huh?

He saw the Wall shining like blue crystal, and his bastard brother Jon sleeping alone in a cold bed, his skin growing pale and hard as the memory of all warmth fled from him. - Bran III AGOT

So....Jon is going to lose memory of all warmth? I'm going to separate the changes brought about in post-resurrection!Jon here as changes caused by death and changes caused by Ghost. This post is only speculating about the changes caused by death i.e. loss of memory of all warmth.

More foreshadowing for that-

Chunks of coal burned in iron braziers at either end of the long room, but Jon found himself shivering. The chill was always with him here. In a few years he would forget what it felt like to be warm. - Jon III AGOT

"It was. The fort is in a sorry state, admittedly. You will restore it as best you can..." ... You'll sleep on stone, too exhausted to complain or plot, and soon you'll forget what it was like to be warm, but you might remember what it was to be a man. - Jon II ADWD

So, I did a word search for warm and memory and I found some interesting stuff. Read under the cut.

1. Home

Jon- warmth and memory of home

The memory of her laughter warmed him on the long ride north. - Jon II AGOT (thinking about Arya)

The weariness came on him suddenly... So cold, he thought, remembering the warm halls of Winterfell, where the hot waters ran through the walls like blood through a man's body. There was scant warmth to be found in Castle Black... - Jon III AGOT

...Iron Emmett was still urging on his charges in the yard. The song of steel on steel woke a hunger in Jon. It reminded him of warmer, simpler days, when he had been a boy at Winterfell matching blades with Robb under the watchful eye of Ser Rodrik Cassel. Ser Rodrik too had fallen, slain by Theon Turncloak... All my memories are poisoned. - Jon VI ADWD

The warmth took some of the ache from his muscles and made him think of Winterfell's muddy pools, steaming and bubbling in the godswood. Winterfell, he thought. Theon left it burned and broken, but I could restore it.-Jon XII ASOS

So, these are the memories of warmth he'll lose? This warmth, that he associates with Winterfell (and the Starks), is the first memory of warmth Jon has.

Dany- memory of home

The door loomed before her, the red door, so close, so close, the hall was a blur around her, the cold receding behind... and all that lived and breathed fled in terror from the shadow of her wings. She could smell home, she could see it, there, just beyond that door, green fields and great stone houses and arms to keep her warm, there. She threw open the door.

"… the dragon …" - Daenerys IX AGOT

Home? The word made her feel sad. Ser Jorah had his Bear Island, but what was home to her? A few tales, names recited as solemnly as the words of a prayer, the fading memory of a red door … was Vaes Dothrak to be her home forever? - Daenerys VI AGOT

..."What shall we talk of?"

"Home," said Dany. "Naath. Butterflies and brothers. Tell me of the things that make you happy, the things that make you giggle, all your sweetest memories. Remind me that there is still good in the world."

Missandei did her best. She was still talking when Dany finally fell to sleep, to dream queer, half-formed dreams of smoke and fire. - Daenerys VIII ADWD

Dany's idea of 'home' changes over the course of the books. In the beginning she uses home for Illyrio's house, or the house with the red door. She very clearly doesn't think of Westeros as her home. After Viserys's death however, there's a sudden shift. Now, Westeros is her long lost home that she must return to someday. It's jarring. Interestingly enough, she pretty clearly rejects the idea of Dothraki khalasars as home, and the only time she calls Meereen home is in her last chapter of ADWD where she's trying to convince herself to return there. But we know that she ultimately rejects that too, in the same chapter.

Sansa- memory of home

Snow was falling on the Eyrie.

Outside the flakes drifted down as soft and silent as memory. Was this what woke me? Already the snowfall lay thick... The sight took Sansa back to cold nights long ago, in the long summer of her childhood. - Sansa VII ASOS

Last of all came the Royces, Lord Nestor and Bronze Yohn... Though his hair was grey and his face lined, Lord Yohn still looked as though he could break most younger men like twigs in those huge gnarled hands. His seamed and solemn face brought back all of Sansa's memories of his time at Winterfell. - Alayne I AFFC

She missed Septa Mordane, and even more Jeyne Poole, her truest friend... She tried not to think of them too often, yet sometimes the memories came unbidden, and then it was hard to hold back the tears. Once in a while, Sansa even missed her sister. By now Arya was safe back in Winterfell... - Sansa II ACOK

Arya coz why not

"Let me tell you something about wolves, child. When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Summer is the time for squabbles. In winter, we must protect one another, keep each other warm, share our strengths.… Sansa is your sister. You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you …" - Arya II AGOT

Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile. He used to mess my hair and call me "little sister," she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. - Arya II AFFC

Again, all this (and much more) is stuff that reminds Sansa (and Arya) of home. This is, presumably, shit that Jon is gonna forget. Or maybe he'll retain the memories and only lose the emotions (warmth) associated with it?

2. Suitors or romantic/sexual partners (+Ben Plumm)

Jon

Many a night he lay with Ygritte warm beside him,... - Jon V ASOS

So, Ygritte becomes his second memory of warmth.

When he turned he saw Ygritte.

...cloaked in darkness and in memory. The light of the moon was in her hair, her red hair kissed by fire. When he saw that, Jon's heart leapt into his mouth. "Ygritte," he said.

"Lord Snow." The voice was Melisandre's.

Surprise made him recoil from her. "Lady Melisandre." He took a step backwards. "I mistook you for someone else." At night all robes are grey. - Jon VI ADWD

AT NIGHT ALL ROBES ARE GREY...yea I know, this is a well established connection between the Girl in Grey and Ygritte. Since Jon associates Ygritte with warmth so strongly, I think it's safe to assume that the Girl in Grey might play a role in warming him too (hehe).

… one hears queer talk of dragons."

"Would that we had one here. A dragon might warm things up a bit."

"My lord jests. You will forgive me if I do not laugh. We Braavosi are descended from those who fled Valyria and the wroth of its dragonlords. We do not jape of dragons." - Jon IX ADWD

Yikes.

Dany

"If my queen commands," he (Jorah) said, curt and cold.

Dany was warm enough for both of them. "She does," she said. "She commands...

When he was gone, Dany threw herself down on her pillows beside her dragons. She had not meant to be so sharp with Ser Jorah, but his endless suspicion had finally woken her dragon. - Daenerys IV ASOS

So, here the warmth is because of anger (woken the dragon).

Dany could feel the warmth of his fingers. He was warm in Qarth as well, she recalled, until the day he had no more use for me. She rose to her feet. "Come," she said, and Xaro followed her through the pillars... - Daenerys III ADWD

She remembered Ben's face the last time she had seen it. It was a warm face, a face I trusted... Even the dragons had been fond of old Brown Ben, who liked to boast that he had a drop of dragon blood himself. Three treasons will you know. Once for gold and once for blood and once for love. Was Plumm the third treason, or the second? And what did that make Ser Jorah, her gruff old bear? Would she never have a friend that she could trust?- Daenerys VI ADWD

This is twice that Dany associates warmth with people who use/betray her.

"You're hurt," she gasped.

"This?" Daario touched his temple. "A crossbowman tried to put a quarrel through my eye, but I outrode it. I was hurrying home to my queen, to bask in the warmth of her smile." He shook his sleeve, spattering red droplets. - Daenerys VI ADWD

Dawn always came too soon.

...If only she had the power, she would have made their nights go on forever, but the best that she could do was stay awake to try and savor every last sweet moment before daybreak turned them into no more than fading memories....

Dany wrapped her arms around her captain and pressed herself against his back. She drank in the scent of him, savoring the warmth of his flesh, the feel of his skin against her own. Remember, she told herself. Remember how he felt. - Daenerys VII ADWD

Ok, I forgot how smitten Dany was with Daario. It would be cute if Daario wasn't so horrifying. Girl has some seriously questionable taste.

Interestingly, the phrase 'fading memory' is used four times in the text (as far as I can find) and three of those times are in Daenerys's POV. One is in the above quote, where she's commanding herself to remember her time with Daario before her marriage to Hizdahr, and the other time is while thinking about the red door. Both these are memories that are important to her, that connect her to the hopeful/little/not-dark girl she once was.

Sansa

Gently, he spoke of Braavos, and met a wall of sullen courtesy as icy and unyielding as the Wall he had walked once in the north. - Tyrion VIII ASOS

"I am composing a new song, you should know. A song so sweet and sad it will melt even your frozen heart. 'The Roadside Rose,' I mean to call it. About a baseborn girl so beautiful she bewitched every man who laid eyes upon her." - Sansa VII ASOS

"Alayne." Her aunt's singer stood over her. "Sweet Alayne. I am Marillion. I saw you come in from the rain. The night is chill and wet. Let me warm you." - Sansa VI ASOS

You must be very cold. Let me warm you, Sansa. Take off those gloves, give me your hands." - Sansa VII ASOS

Yea no. Sansa has not had a good experience with people offering to warm her (unfreeze her? melt her?)

Looks like in TWOW there's going to be two people in desperate need of some warming.

It's pretty neat actually. Jon associates memories of warmth with two things primarily: Winterfell/the Starks, and Ygritte. Sansa is both a Stark, and a much (much) improved Ygritte.

Sansa's iciness-wall-armour is a form of protection that she employs against predatory men. The only person who can melt her frozen heart...is someone who is not predatory. Someone who cares for her. Jon.

It fits perfectly. They fit perfectly.

[nyctophilin]

Fake Affection | II

Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Epilogue

Description: Han Jisung has been rejected by the girl he likes one to many times. He decides that he has had enough and is set on making her want him back. What could possibly make her want him more than seeing him with her rival after she boldly assumed he can’t find anyone better. That way Jisung and Y/N are stuck in a fake relationship until Jisung’s crush falls for him. Or he falls for someone else.

All rights reserved © nyctophilin 2020. Re-posting, copying and translating any of my works is prohibited.

Pairing: Han x fem!Reader, Hyunjin x fem!Reader

Word count: 4.5k

Genre: College!AU, Fake dating!AU, Angst, Fluff, eventual Smut

Warnings: swearing

A/N: Remember when I said this will only have two part? Well, I’m a big fat liar. The drama kind of started this chapter and I’m excited for it. Also, thank you so much for for the huge support I got for the last part. I’m really grateful for that. I hope you like it, hehe. Feedback is very much appreciated.

      Y/N was sitting in Script Interpretation class trying to go over the script they were going to discuss that day once more. Her concentration was interrupted by a pile of books being slammed into the table way too close to where her hand was resting. Lifting her head to look for the culprit she locked eyes with Hayoon. A shiver went through her body.

      “Hey, girl. How are you doing?” Her voice was abnormally high and she hated how she couldn’t hide her feelings in front of her best friend. She really fucked up this time.

      “Oh, don’t you ‘girl’ me! Can you explain to me what the fuck is everyone talking about?” She wasn’t screaming, her tone calm. Way too calm. It was making Y/N way more scared than she should have been.

      Y/N lifted the script she was previously holding. “ Angels in Ame…” Hayoon hit the table with her palm and lowered herself to watch Y/N in the eyes.

      “Don’t you bullshit me Y/N. Why is everyone talking about you and Han Jisung being in a relationship?” Hayoon’s face was dangerously close to hers and she could feel the daggers that her eyes were sending in her direction.

      She gulped visibly before putting her hands on Hayoon’s shoulders and slowly pushing her away from her. “Well, we are in a relationship.” She didn’t dare look her friend in the eyes.

      Annoyance was embracing Hayoon’s facial features. She clicked her tongue before exhaling loudly. “And why didn’t I know? And most importantly, when the fuck did it happen?” The girl’s voice started to rise in volume.

      “Ok, please calm down! I’ll tell you everything at the end of the class. The professor is supposed to arrive any minute.” Y/N had a pleading face on, grateful for the fact that they didn’t have a free period. She hoped that maybe during the class Hayoon would calm down even a little. She really couldn’t deal with her friend when she was angry.

      Like it was on cue, the professor entered the classroom and greeted everyone. Hayoon threw Y/N a look that meant they were not done there and focused on the professor.

      Throughout the class, Y/n couldn’t focus on what they were talking about. She was thinking of what to tell her friend so she believes her and Jisung are deeply in love or at least very horny for each other. She was told by more professors that she is one of the best actresses they have at the moment but in front of Hayoon, she felt just like a kid who’s done something bad for the first time.

      The time flew ridiculously fast that class and when the bell rang Y/N felt like she could have used some more hours to prepare for the talk she was about to have with Hayoon. Her friend got up and when they both finished packing their things she grabbed Y/N’s bicep as a method to prevent her from running away. 

      Hayoon led her outside of the campus and they sat down on a bench at the front of the university. That was the moment when she let go of her friend's arm. She made herself comfortable on the bench while Y/N was fidgeting nervously.

      “You can start talking” She tilted her head to the side waiting for an explanation.

      Y/N let out a shaky breath. “What happened is that he sat next to me in Canto class and then when the class was over he asked me to talk. He asked me out and now we are dating.” She said all that in a breath hoping that maybe Hayoon didn’t hear her.

      “Just like that?” The other girl’s voice filled her ears. Y/N looked at her confused. The girl rolled her eyes. “You started dating him just like that? Just because he asked you? What happened with ‘He’s a loser’, ‘He never takes shit seriously’, ‘He has a stupid face that I hate’? Weren’t he and Mina dating?” The flood of questions took her by surprise.

      “No, they are not dating. And he’s actually kind of nice. He has his bad parts but don’t we all?” She tried explaining without stumbling over her words which she succeeded in doing. Thankfully.

      “But what if it is some kind of bet or trick? You know who he is friends with. You should have thought better before saying yes.” She shifted her position closer to Y/N and put a hand on her forearm protectively.

      She was right. The whole thing was just a trick but she wasn’t the victim. She kind of felt bad now but the whole thing was actually harmless. They were just trying to make Mina jealous and if it didn’t work in a month or so, she would break up with Jisung. She turned her head towards her friend, tears stinging her eyes.

      “Yes, I know his friends but it’s not like that. I really do like him. Why can’t you be happy for me? Is it that hard to believe that a popular guy would like me?” A single tear fell down her cheek and Hayoon hugged her hurriedly, stuffing her face into her chest.

      “No, I’m sorry! Of course, he can. I’m sure a lot of popular guys like you! I was just worried!” Y/N sobbed a little and Hayoon hugged her tighter, rubbing her back soothingly.

       “It’s ok. I know you mean well.” Y/N hated having to use the fake crying on her friend but if they wanted that to work no one should know they were faking their relationship.

      The bell rang signalling the end of her last class. She gathered her things and waited a bit for Hayoon before leaving the room. Just as she stepped outside the classroom a hand snaked around her waist and she was pressed to a body.

      “Hey, babe.” Jisung said next to her ear before giving her neck a kiss. The girl jumped at the contact before relaxing upon realising that it was Jisung.

      “Hey.” She made eye contact with Hayoon who was sitting awkwardly to the side. She got out of his lock only to hold her friend’s hands and bring her closer. When she turned she noticed Hyunjin and Chan standing close to Jisung as well. “She’s my friend, Hayoon.” The men all greeted her.

      Hayoon gave them in return a smile that was visibly fake before turning to Y/N. “I have to go. See you tomorrow, ok?”

      “Yeah, see you.” She watched her get lost in the crowd before turning back to the boys.

      “She’s nice.” Jisung said ironically, rolling his eyes.

      “Give her time. She just doesn’t really like you.” Hyunjin and Chan held in their laughter as Jisung’s face turned into a hurt one.

      “But you like me, right babe?” His voice was as if he was talking to a child as he placed his hands on her hips bringing her closer.

      “You might have to give me some time as well.” The men finally let out their laughter as Jisung’s expression turned into an annoyed one. “What are you doing here, anyway?” She asked her head tilted to the side to show confusion and to distance herself a little bit from Jisung, who didn’t seem to have a problem with showing her affection.

      “I came here to wait for Jeongin and they came to wait for you.” Hyunjin smiled as he spoke. She smiled back at him feeling happiness invade her body.

      She turned her head towards her pretend boyfriend raising an eyebrow. “Did you want to tell me something?”

      “I actually came to take you home. I and Chan have to meet Changbin somewhere and your house is on the way there.” She felt a warm feeling in her stomach at his words. That was actually really nice of him considering the fact that they were not actually dating.

      “Jisung sweetie, you don’t know where I live yet.” Hyunjin snorted loudly, biting his lip to prevent himself from laughing. Jisung glared at him before looking down at Y/N.

      “Ok, I don’t know if your house is on the way there but we were going to drop you off.” 

      “That’s really sweet of you but I actually have the first meeting with the crew for the short movie I’ll play in. I can’t leave yet.” She finally got out of his arms as she wanted to turn around and leave. A pair of strong hands placed themselves on her biceps and stopped her from moving.

      “Easy there. You almost hit me. We still have 15 minutes until the meeting starts.” Jeongin explained as he went past her to greet each of the men individually.

      “I’m sorry!” A pinkish colour dusted her cheeks, embarrassed by her negligence to where she was walking. “We? Your crew is meeting now as well?” The innocence in her voice made Jeongin chuckle.

      “Y/N, we play in the same movie.” Her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth fell agape at his words. Hyunjin and Jeongin giggled at her reaction.

      “Seriously?” Her question had Hyunjin rolling his eyes.

      “You say that like you haven’t been together in every single play since last year.” He was right but she didn’t remember seeing Jeongin at the auditions. “Now, let’s go or we’ll be late.”

      “You play in it as well?” Her expression became even more shocked if it was possible.

      “No, I don’t. I’ll just come watch.”

      “I don’t think you are allowed to.”

      “Oh, please! Mrs. Bae loves me. I’m sure she won’t have anything against it.” Right after he finished talking he hooked an arm around Jeongin’s neck forcing him to follow his lead. When he got next to Y/N he did the same taking the girl by surprise.

      She regained her composure fast telling herself that Hyunjin is just a social butterfly. She lifted her hand and waved it ‘Goodbye!’ at the boys who she couldn’t see because of Hyunjin’s grip on her neck.

      Jisung watched as the three of them were heading for the auditorium. Taking another look at Hynjin’s arm around her neck, he scoffed. He had been particularly annoying since lunch and something told Jisung it wouldn’t be the last time.

     As long as he didn’t interfere with their plan to make Mina jealous, he didn’t really care what kind of relationship Hyunjin was trying to push with Y/N.

      “I can not wait to get the script. Cursed be the printer for breaking down today of all days!” Y/N chanted for the nth time in the last 20 minutes.

      The meeting went fairly well. They mostly talked about the concept of the movie more in-depth, met the other actors that they didn’t know thanks to them being from different majors and discussed about each character individually so they know how to prepare for the roles. The only thing that upset Y/N was the missing scripts that they were supposed to receive. She was so excited about the movie and she could not endure another day without knowing the entire story.

      She was currently walking home with Hyunjin and Jeongin. Despite being well past 7 PM the sun was still in the sky probably preparing to set soon. The spring breeze had her clutching her jean jacket to her body trying to get rid of the goosebumps covering her skin.

      “You’ve only told us that a thousand times in the last couple of minutes.” Hyunjin said being unable to suppress the smile that was tugging at his mouth upon seeing how excited she was.

      “Can you blame me? The concept of Hell and Heaven, the forbidden love, the action, the drama. Everything is so, ugh!” Y/N was making wide gestures with her hands as she spoke, having the men trying to avoid them in order not to get hit. Jeongin grabbed one of her hands stopping her ministration.

      “I have never seen someone so excited about a school project. Calm down! We’ll get the script tomorrow.” Her mouth formed into a pout at his words. The two men let out chuckles at her action.

      Taking a look around her she noticed a familiar coffee shop on the other side of the road. She cleared her throat as she stopped at the crossroad. 

      “My apartment is actually that way.” She used her index finger to point the direction of the coffee shop. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow!”

      “Actually, I’m going that way as well.” Hyunjin said, pressing the button of the traffic lights.

      They said goodbye to Jeongin before crossing the street. There was a comfortable silence between the two of them for a few minutes.

      “I still can’t believe that they let you stay.” Y/N said, remembering how he sat behind her and Jengin the whole time. He would make short comments about the plot and characters from time to time, making her giggle.

      “I told you Mrs. Bae loves me. She’ll do anything for her favourite student.” He said matter of factly.

      “I just don’t understand how she can be such a bitch to everyone but you. She acted like you were her son, I swear to God.” She trembled as she recalled how the professor would talk to him in a baby voice and how she offered to give him her chair so he could sit comfortably.

      “Not everyone is as handsome and amazing as I am.” Y/N laughed shortly and shoved him slowly.

      Another minute passed before Hyunjin decided to speak.

      “You know what I don’t understand?” He asked, looking at her side profile.

      “What?” She made eye contact with him.

      “Now, I don’t want you to get offended, cause that is definitely your choice. However, why date Jisung? You could have had any boy on campus. Someone that’s actually mature and nice.” Hyunjin let his teeth sink into the flesh of his bottom lip. 

      He knew what he was trying to do was not ethical. Jisung was one of his best friends but he had to know. If he couldn’t get Mina, which everyone could, how did he convince someone of Y/N’s calibre to date him?

      “Perhaps you think too highly of me. I assure you, I couldn’t have had any boy on campus.” She let a breathy laugh leave her lips. Boys barely talked to her and every time they did they were very awkward and distant.

      “I’m afraid I have to disagree with you. A lot of guys like you. You are smart, talented, friendly and, please excuse my language, hot. You just seem unapproachable because…” He stopped in the middle of his sentence contemplating whether he should say it or not.

      “Because…” She encouraged him to speak.

      “You might have a resting bitch face sometimes.” He noticed she wanted to say something but cut her off. “AND. And there is this guy that claims to have confessed to you last year and he said you completely humiliated him.” He bit the inside of his lip.

      An irritated breath left her nose. “I swear to God. I knew that guy would do something like that. All I did was tell him I want to focus on school for a while and he literally started crying. When I told him he could ask me again in a few months he called me a bitch and stormed out of there.” She paused for a bit to regain her composure. “If he’s the reason no guy approached me all this time I’ll find him and give his ass a beating.” She declared clenching her fist in front of her face.

      Hyunjin chuckled at her action. “Ok, but let’s go back to Jisung.” That was a phrase he never thought he would say to a girl.

      “Ah, yeah. I don’t know. He was the first one to ask me out. He is kinda handsome and nice, I guess. I mean, he does that thing where he likes to make fun of people for no reason that absolutely drives me mad.” She exclaimed the last word clenching her jaw. “But he has been nice to me since we started dating. It has been only a day and a half but he knows that if he does something wrong I’ll dump him faster than he can rap.”

      “Hmm, interesting. So this is all it takes for you to break up with him. In that case, I want to let you know that he has been rude to me today before we came to meet you.” Y/N laughed and hit his chest softly. Hyunjin laughed as well, but his laugh wasn’t genuine.

      Y/N stopped walking and put her hand on his forearm. “This is where I live. Thank you for walking with me. It was fun spending time with you today.” A bright smile enveloped her features.

      Hyunjin took a look at the apartment complex behind her trying to figure out at what floor her apartment might be. Quickly, he shifted his eyes on her and without realising he patted her head smiling.

      “I had fun as well. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rub into Jisung’s face the fact that I found out where you live before him.” He said and turned on his heels to leave.

      Y/N noticed Hyunjin going in the same direction they came from and confusion settled inside her.

      “Hey! Where are you going?” She shouted after him.

      Hyunjin turned towards her and a smile tugged on his lips. “Actually, I live two streets behind.”

      Her eyes widened at his words. “Oh my God! Why didn’t you say so? I made you walk all the way here.”

      “I couldn’t let such a pretty lady walk alone at this hour.” His response came to her panicked rambling.

      “But it’s still really bright outside!”

      “Ok, you got me. I just wanted to spend more time with you.” A smirk appeared on his lips. “Hey! Don’t tell Jisung!” He winked at her before turning around and sprinting down the street.

      She casually walked into the complex and made her way to the third floor where her apartment was located. She fished her key from her bag and unlocked the door entering the residence. 

      When she found herself in the safety of her apartment she let her body slid down the white door. A rosy pink was covering her cheeks and she bit her bottom lip. What was that stupid feeling inside her chest? She needed to calm down. 

      Y/N got up from the floor and went into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and snatched a water bottle from the fridge door. She downed half of it in one go and used one hand to prop herself against the wall.

      “Mina, you bitch. Hurry up and fall in love with Jisung.” She mumbled pressing the cold bottle to her exposed collarbones.

      “How much more should we sit in silence?” Changbin whispered looking around at the people occupying the table.

      “Shhh. Be quiet! They’ll both rip your head off if you disturb them.” Hayoon spit in a barely audible voice.

      Changbin threw her an annoyed look. Why did Y/N’s friend have to sit with them as well? He glanced at Y/N and Jeongin who were seated across one another. Their eyes were scanning over the pages of the thick scripts they had in hand for the past 20 minutes, forcing everyone else around them to be quiet.

      “Whoa, what an ending! I knew I could trust our senior.” Y/N finally exclaimed, startling some of the people at the table.

      “Tell me about it. I can not believe you have to do that.” Jeongin said, placing the script next to his tray.

      “Don’t be sad, lover boy. I promise I’ll take good care of you in hell.” She winked at him before stuffing the script in her bag.

      “Do I sense some steamy stuff coming up?” Felix wiggled his eyebrows at Jeongin.

      “Nah, just a kiss. But like, fucking finally!” Jeongin exclaimed, taking a bite from his food for the first time since he sat down.

      “How did we manage to be in so many plays together and not kiss once? That never happens. It started to worry me. Finally, the universe is in order again.” She joked pretending to wipe away sweat from her forehead.

      Jisung rested his elbow on the back of Y/N’s chair and leaned close to her. “Do you mean to tell me that you’ve wanted to kiss Jeongin for a long time now?” His tone was meant to be teasing and intimidating but Y/N felt like laughing at his efforts to seem like a possessive boyfriend. She rolled her eyes visibly.

      “Don’t worry, babe. It’s just acting. No real feelings involved.” Her words carried a lot of meaning, one which only the two of them could understand.

      “Really?” His voice lowered an octave and using one finger he turned her head towards him capturing her lips in a slow kiss. 

      From the corner of his eye, he noticed Mina looking at them. She was seated a few tables away with her friends and a few guys from her major. He felt like smirking when she clenched her jaw and scoffed in their direction.

      He broke the kiss and proceeded to lick his lips tasting Y/N’s strawberry lip balm on them. He curled one hand over her shoulders and brought her closer. Upon placing a kiss on her temple, the sound of metal hitting metal ringed in the cafeteria. Mina abruptly got up from her table and left the cafeteria leaving her friends to clean up her tray.

      Minho let out a prolonged whistle rolling his eyes in the process. “Looks like someone is in a bad mood. I wonder why.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, the reason for Mina’s sudden outburst being well known at the table.

      “You snooze, you lose.” A smirk was plastered on Jisung’s face. “I think a year and a half was a good amount of time for her to figure out her feelings. I wasn’t gonna wait around for her my entire life.” He declared nonchalantly playing with a strand of Y/N’s hair.

      Y/N bit back a laugh at his bold statement. What he said wasn’t entirely wrong. He didn’t wait around for her but he sure as hell wasn’t over her like his tone wanted to make it seem like. She lightly patted his thigh under the table as a form of saying ‘Good one!’.

      “That kind of makes it seems like you are using Y/N to get over her. I’d be more careful with my word choice next time.” Hyunjin said in a stern voice, throwing Jisung a cold glare.

      “No one needs your fucking opinion. Why do you even care?” Jisung felt annoyance overwhelm him. Hyunjin has voiced a lot of his opinions regarding his relationship with Y/N ever since they’ve announced it. Most of them in private when she wasn’t present.

      “Cause I don’t want you hurting my friend. She’s been nice enough to date you. I feel like you should be grateful.” Hyunjin was clearly irritated by Jisung’s attitude.

      Y/N watched as the two men were throwing daggers at each other. The same fuzzy feeling from the day before started spreading in her body. She kept repeating to herself that Hyunjin was just being nice. All he did and said the day prior was just him being nice. Some of his words started playing in her head when she remembered the previous day. ‘I just wanted to spend more time with you. Don’t tell Jisung!’ He was probably just joking. Just some playful rivalry between the two.

      “It’s ok, Hyunjin. I didn’t see it like that. I’m fine.” She mumbled and started playing with her fingers under the table. She tried controlling her laboured breath.

      Jisung threw Hyunjin a victorious smile. Noticing a change in her demeanour he took a look at her. Cheeks dusted with the faintest of pinks and fingers playing nervously under the table. A smirk acaparated his face as he remembered the conversation he had with her the other day on the bench. She definitely had a crush on someone.

      The sound of a key turning in a lock was heard in the empty apartment. Y/N entered the residence and abandoned her bag on the hanger near the door. Taking off her boots, she made her way to the window in the living room to close it, the air in the apartment being way too chilly for her comfort. She picked up a plate from the coffee table that she abandoned there in the morning before leaving and took it to the sink in the kitchen before going to her bedroom.

      The space was fairly clean excepting her desk that had all sorts of assignments and books sprawled all over it. She took off her clothes and discarded them in the laundry bin before going to her closet to pick something comfortable to wear. She settled for a pair of burgundy sweats and a black hoodie, perfect for that spring weather.

      Just as she finished putting on the hoodie she heard her phone go off signalling that she got a message. Throwing herself on the bed she grabbed her phone that was on the nightstand next to her bed.

[Jisung,15:36]Tomorrow is Saturday. Let’s go on a date! :D

      Y/N pursed her lips after reading his message. She has planned to do research about her character for the movie the next day. Her fingers moved fast in typing a reply.

[Y/N,15:39]Is Mina gonna be there?

      She had no reason to go on that date if Mina wasn’t going to be there. It will be just a waste of her time. Her phone emitted the same ringing sound like earlier and she unlocked it to check his response.

[Jisung,15:40]Of course. Why else would I ask you on a date?

      His message had her rolling her eyes. She would bet all her money that he had a smug expression at that moment. Probably thinking that he did something. She was getting annoyed just thinking of it.

[Y/N,15:42]Time and place?

[Jisung,15:45] 6 PM. Text me your address, I’ll come pick you up.

      She sent him her address after a few minutes of contemplating insisting to meet there. She locked her phone and turned the silent mode on putting it back on the nightstand. Jumping out of bed she made her way to her desk prepared to start working on some of the assignments scattered on it.

[harrytpotter]

RIGHT PLACE, WRONG TIME — Part IV

Plot: Y/N finds herself trapped in a time in which she doesn’t belong only to learn that maybe that was her place all along.

Pairing: James Potter x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Slightly sexual scene with mild cursing.

A/N: Gif isn’t mine (took it from google, so please, if it belongs to you let me know so I can credit) and since my mother language isn’t English, I apologize for any mistakes in advance! :)

As the weeks went by and you still haven’t heard back from Dumbledore, you did your best to avoid James. You hardly even saw him and when you did, you barely spoke two words with him. You knew he had asked Lily why you were shutting him down because she told you and did ask that herself. You couldn’t exactly explain the reason why it was better for everyone and why it was the right thing to do, so you started shutting her and all of your friends down as well. Not as hard and as completely as you did with James, though. You were growing more miserable and lonely every day, wishing you could just go back to the future time where life was way more gentle and kind at you. It was the fourth night in a row that you had purposely skipped dinner to avoid seeing James. You were at Hagrid’s cabin, paying a visit to your dear friend and trying to cheer yourself up a bit.

“Yeh sure yeh don’ wanna eat anythin’, uh Y/N?!” Hagrid offers you a plate full of homemade cookies.

“I’m still stuffed from lunch, but thanks Hagrid!” You politely decline his offer, a warm smile on your face. Hagrid excelled in many things, but cooking wasn’t one of them.

“Alright, then! So yeh gonna tell me why yeh look so bummed?” He shoots a concerned glare at you.

“Just stressed out with school stuff, no biggie,” you smile reassuringly at him.

“James was just here the other day an’ he didn’ look quite alright ‘imself as well,” he shrugs.

“School is particularly hard this year I suppose,” you frown, getting up. “I should probably go, it’s getting quite late. See you, Hagrid!” You hug him goodbye.

Despite clearly having more to say about the previous subject, he hugs you back, leaving you breathless for a while given the strength he put into it. “Take care, Y/N!”

On your way back to the castle, you decide to make a little detour to the kitchen so you could help yourself of some leftovers from dinner.

“You’re one hard woman to track, love,” James’ voice startled you in the middle of a pitch-dark hallway.

“Merlin’s beard, James! Do you always have to sneak up on me like that?!” You whisper, taking your hand to your pounding heart.

The moonlight suddenly flooded through the windows, as the moon came out from behind a particularly massive cloud, and you saw a piece of paper clutched on James’ hand.

“I thought you had swore you’d never use that to keep tabs on me,” you point at the marauder’s map with your head.

James sighs heavily. “I know, but that was before you shut me down completely out of your life for no good reason. You’ve been even distancing yourself from Lily, Marlene, Sirius, Remus, everyone, Y/N! I’m worried about you. We all are. What’s going on with you, babe?” He cupped your face with his free hand and stared worryingly into your eyes, frowning. You could tell his mind was racing, trying to figure out what could possibly had happened to you.

You look away from his gaze and close your eyes, trying to come up with an excuse. Despite the little moment you two had shared in the astronomy tower, none of you had exactly being vocal about your feelings.

“You know what? We should make a trip to the kitchen and steal some chocolate pudding, what do you think? I bet some sugar in your system will make everything better!” He smiled brightly at you, starting a warm wave inside your chest.

“I believe it’s worth a try,” you smile sweetly back at him, unable to turn his puppy eyes down and doing your best to ignore the annoying butterflies in your stomach. You see, that’s the problem of finally admitting your feelings to yourself after keeping them hidden for so long: despite your best efforts to brush them off and hide them again, your body keeps giving you constant and awfully vivid reminders that they’re there.

***

The house-elves were happy to give you some snacks and sweets as the two of you entered the kitchen. You and James sat next to each other on the big island that laid in the middle of the room, eating, joking and throwing food at each other. Just like old times. The two of you didn’t leave the kitchen until you were both feeling stuffed.

Heading back to the Gryffindor tower, you were giggling at something James had said when you both heard footsteps nearby. Realizing he had left his invisibility cloak back in his dorm, James quickly pulled you to a very dark and hidden spot in the nearest corner of the hallway, behind an armor and beside a large shelf. Amidst the rush of having to improvise, he ended up with his both hands on your waist and his face almost glued to yours, since the space was limited and neither of you could move. His breath was uneven, just like yours, as he stared at your lips with a longing look on his eyes. Without thinking, he crashed his lips into yours, beginning a fueled, passionate kiss. You were immediately sent at a state of pure euphoria, all of your senses intensely and solely focused on this moment. Every inch of your body felt ecstatic, as if it had been waiting for this to happen for your entire life. As the boy deepened the kiss with a burning roughness you were already out of your mind, intoxicated by the feeling of having him touching you, kissing you. James slid one of his hands to your thigh and squeezed it slightly whilst taking his lips to your neck, leaving a trail of kisses, light bites and soft hickeys.

“Fuck, Jamie...” you suck the air between your teeth trying to suppress a moan, for James’ amusement. You could feel the satisfied grin he gave whilst his lips still sucked the skin of your neck, this time a little harder than before.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks you mischievously, even though he already knew your answer.

“Don’t you dare to!” You shot desperately at him and pulled him closer, tangling your hand in his hair and pulling it roughly. You heard him gasp in surprise and pleasure and you bit your lower lip satisfied.

You honestly didn’t know what would’ve happened if it wasn’t for Filch’s interruption. “I know there are students out of bed! I heard giggles! And I bet it’s Potter, Black and Lupin!” He exclaims, breaking you and James out of your desire-driven trance. You quickly took James’ hands from your body and recomposed yourself.

“Argus, please, we’ve been looking around this hallway for the past fifteen minutes and didn’t find anyone! Just go to bed for Merlin’s sake!” You heard the annoyed voice of a sleepy Minerva McGonagall.

You and James stayed behind the armor for a little while after the two of you had heard their voices fading away, just in case.

“So, I think we need to talk about what just happened,” he says with a wide smirk, scratching his head.

“Nothing happened,” you’re quickly to point out. The guilty was eating you alive as you thought about Harry and Lily.

“Oh, but it would’ve, love. It really would,” he shoots you a cocky grin.

“Look, Jamie...” you start, lowering your head as you were unable to look him in the eyes. “That can never happen again, okay? Never.”

“Come on, love...” he says, getting closer to you and holding your chin gently between two fingers, lifting it so you could look at him. “You can’t deny that something is going on between you and I. And it has been for quite some time now,” he says tenderly, leaning in slowly.

You frown sadly and turn your head away, holding back the tears of hopelessness that were starting to form in your eyes. “What’s wrong, love? Don’t be afraid,” he cups your face with both of his hands, leading your gaze back at him.

Seeing the hopeful look he had in his eyes nearly broke you for good. “I can’t do this, Jamie...” you whisper weakly, not even remotely resembling the strong and fiery girl you’re known to be.

“Why not? Look, if that’s because of Lily, you have nothing to worry about. I never really liked her and I know you know that. In the beginning I was motivated by the challenge and a bet Sirius and I had made, of course, but then... about two years ago I realized who my heart had really chosen. I did nothing because I was too much of a coward, I’m afraid,” he states.

The tears were now rolling furiously down your face, despite your best efforts to control them. “James, please stop talking.”

“I need you to hear me, love. Just listen to me, would ya? Please,” he smiles nervously at you.

“You’re not making any sense, for Merlin’s sake! You belong with Lily, that’s how it’s supposed to be! You’ll fall in love, start dating, get married and have a kid!” You frown hopelessly.

“Y/N, did you hear what I just say? I can’t be with someone I don’t love! And I know you’re not saying that for Lily’s sake because she doesn’t fancy me either!”

“You wouldn’t understand, but believe me when I tell you this, Lily is your soulmate! Besides, I’m seeing someone,” you didn’t wanna lie to him nor hurt him like that, but you had to take his mind off of this somehow.

His face dropped as he let go of you. “Oh... That makes sense. You don’t want anything to do with me because you’re already in love with somebody else. I don’t blame you, I knew you wouldn’t wait around forever for me to man up,” James shrugged. “But you could’ve just saved your best mate here the embarrassment by mentioning it earlier, couldn’t you love?” He grins sadly, putting his hands at his pockets, and turned around, leaving you alone with an aching heart in the middle of the dark.

***

It had been a week since your little episode with James and now he was the one avoiding you. You knew you should clear the air with him, but you thought you could use this time to get your head straight and focus on what you really needed: finding a way out of this pace of time. Despite the fact that you were making things right with Lily and Marlene, your friendship with the marauders was going downhill. Sirius and Remus barely speak to you anymore since they were always by James’ side and you did break their friend’s heart. You sigh whilst looking yourself in the mirror after getting ready for your classes: you were the perfect depiction of misery. Heading down the stairs to begin your day, your feet suddenly stop when you hear a familiar voice coming from the common room. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop but you couldn’t face them right now.

“Come on, Prongs. Lighten up a bit, would you?” Sirius’ voice sounded concerned.

“I am very good Pads, can’t you see?” James answers him bitterly.

“I think you should talk to Y/N again, tell her how you really feel. You should try to work this out with her, mate,” Remus advises.

“I’ve already tried that, Moony! She didn’t care!”

“From what you’ve told us, you just reassured her that you don’t have any feelings for Lily. Have you tried telling her exactly how you feel about her?” Remus asks wisely.

“What good could it possibly make? She‘s already in love with someone that’s not me,” James sighs.

“I find it hard to believe,” Sirius states. “It’s just so obvious that she has feelings for you, I don’t know how your blind, stubborn self can’t see it! Plus, we’re her best friends and she never even once mentioned some guy she fancied to us.”

“That’s not the kind of thing a girl discusses with her male friends, Padfoot,” Remus says as if it was obvious. You imagined him rolling his eyes at your friend at the end of that sentence.

“No, but she would’ve mentioned it to Lily and Marlene...” James says with a realization tone.

“What are you waiting for? Go ask them then and find out who’s your competition!” Sirius exclaims vigorously. “That, of course, assuming that he’s real and Y/N isn’t making it up just so she can get herself rid of you.”

“I thought you said she had obvious feelings for me a while ago,” James says nervously.

“Don’t mind him, Prongs. He’s messing with you. Just go find Lily,” Remus says and you can hear the three of them exiting the room through the portrait hole.

“Bloody hell!” You curse at yourself, knowing very well that Lily would cover for you, much for her dismay, but you’d need to come up with a plan soon because James wouldn’t be fooled by that forever.

You wandered through the castle’s hallways with your mind racing, deciding to skip breakfast so you could think about your current situation. That seemed to be all you were doing lately. In fact, all you really wanted to do was scream in frustration and punch someone in the face. It was beyond unfair having to choose between a kind of an all-consuming feeling that happened once in a lifetime and the sake of your friends and their future as individuals and as a group. Being here was becoming heavier and heavier each day that went by. How much longer will you be able to resist James and deny your feelings? How much longer will you have to torture yourself? What if Dumbledore couldn’t fix whatever caused the time-turner to malfunction? What if you were bound to be trapped here for good? All of a sudden you felt sick to your stomach as a last and despairing thought crossed your mind: what if you had to witness James and Lily fall in love with each other? You felt like throwing up, so lost in your own distresses that you only noticed you had stumbled upon someone when you were both on the floor.

“Merlin’s beard, I’m so sorry!” You say whilst getting up.

“I think you forgot your head back in the tower, L/N,” Amos Diggory joked, sitting.

“I suppose I did,” you smile sheepishly at him, offering your hand to help him stand on his feet. “Again, I’m really sorry. You okay?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry,” he winks casually at you. “You don’t seem quite alright yourself on the other hand,” he adds, noticing the worried frown on your face.

“Oh, about that, I...” you start, stopping suddenly when you noticed James standing at the opposite end of the aisle, frowning at the sight of you and Diggory alone in an empty corridor, your hands still in the Hufflepuff’s. “Please just go with it, I’ll explain everything in a minute,” you whisper to Amos, as you grin widely whilst staring into his eyes and resting your wrists on the back of his neck, pretending you hadn’t seen the marauders glancing at your direction.

“Alright, I think I can carry on with whatever this is, but I have to say I’m genuinely intrigued,” he lifts a brow at you, grinning and leading his hands to your waist.

Before you could say anything else, James passes by the two of you like a hurricane, Sirius and Remus on his trail. You swore you could catch a disappointed look from Remus as they followed their friend.

“Potter seems to be in a bad mood today, doesn’t he?” Amos drags your attention back to him and you’re met by a suspicious look on his face. “I’m willing to bet you know why.”

“I really am sorry, I didn’t mean to suck you into my personal drama, I just... I don’t even know what to say,” you lean against the wall, sighing heavily.

“Try me, L/N. I’m a pretty good listener if you ask me,” he shrugs, leaning next to you. “Besides, you can trust me not to spill your secrets around,” he winks at you.

“I know you’re trustworthy, Diggory,” you smile at the thought of how much he reminded you of your late friend Cedric Diggory, who also happened to be his son. “You’re a Hufflepuff.”

He laughs genuinely at your joke. “Bring it on then, L/N.”

“Alright,” you sigh. “So, I don’t know if you can tell, but I kind of have feelings for James...”

“Yeah, I might have noticed that. And so did the entire school,” he bumps his shoulder into yours. “But go on.”

“I thought you had said you were a pretty good listener?” You raise your brows, crossing your arms in your chest.

“Sorry, please, continue,” he encourages you.

“Anyway, I do have feelings for him but I can’t act on them for a number of reasons that I can’t really talk about,” you close your eyes, resting your head on the cold wall. It felt good to take it off your chest for once, and opening up about this felt liberating.

Diggory stared at you confused. “Pardon me if I’m intruding, but I’d say your chances with the guy are pretty good. I mean, it’s quite clear that your feelings are reciprocated. For example, that day during quidditch practice when he saw the two of us talking... he did look pretty annoyed to me and today, well, you just saw what happened,” he shrugged.

“I know that he harbors feelings for me as well, and that’s the point. He can’t. We can’t have feelings for each other. I’m not his destiny and neither he is mine,” you tilt your head to your right a little so you could look at Amos.

“How can you possibly say that? We never know what tomorrow has in storage for us,” he states.

“Except that I do, and that’s exactly why I can’t encourage his feelings nor my own,” you sigh hopelessly.

“I suppose that’s the part you can’t discuss?” He smiles sympathetic at you.

“Exactly,” you frown sadly.

“How can I help you?” He asks suddenly. “Well I suppose that’s why you flirted with me a while ago, right?! You don’t strike me as the kind of girl who’d randomly throw her arms around a guy’s neck in empty hallways. Specially having told the guy in question that she has feelings for another one moments later,” he adds mockingly after seeing the confused expression on your face.

“Right,” you frown sheepishly. “I kinda told James a few days back that I was already seeing someone, right after he kissed me.”

“Wow, harsh,” he frowns playfully.

“Yeah, I know. I just didn’t know what else to do, I sort of panicked,” you shrug.

“You can count on me. But before I leave to class, I just need to ask you something. Is this secret motivation of yours really worth the trouble of sacrificing a potential relationship and a few friendships over? Think about it, L/N. See you in transfiguration in a few,” he says before disappearing into the castle, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

——————————

Taglist: @treestarrrrrrrr @fanfic-enthusiast-collector

[psychovigilantewrites]

Don’t Call Me That Pt. 2

Wordcount: 10,129

A/N:  I thought this part 2 would total up to 10k words, but when it hit 10k, I realised that I was only about 65 percent done. So based on the responses I got from tumblr, I decided to publish this first and then conclude the story later on!

TW:  mentions of r*pe, mentions of torture, mentions of drugging someone (??) , mental breakdowns, vulnerability, descriptions of anxiety

Also, HERE’S MY FAV MEMES!! I’m so sorry that I can’t tag respective meme creators, because I saved them on my phone and some of them I forgot to include your usernames!! I’M SO SORRY!!! And honest to god is wear there were more but i must have lost them im so sorry im so incompetent lmao

memeesss

You glanced at your phone.

It had already been a week in Hawaii with your friends, and Jason still hadn’t texted you.

Well, you should have expected it, really. Jason was a traumatised, mentally ill man who had been locked away for two years.

Of course he wouldn’t text you first.

You had contemplated texting him over the past few days, typing in an array of messages ranging from a simple “hey” to a whole paragraph, and deleting all of it without hitting send. Did he even switch the phone on? Was he surfing the internet? Or was the phone still there on the shelf where you had left it.

It was driving you crazy.

“Do you have a boyfriend we don’t know about?” a voice called.

You looked up and squinted at the man who was standing up, looking down at you. You were sitting on the beach, a little further away from the ocean where your friends were.

“What are you talking about?” you asked as Alex plopped down next to you.

“You’ve been fidgety the whole time,” he pointed out, combing back his dark shoulder length hair with his fingers, getting sand in them. “We’re on a private beach, and you’ve been fussing over your phone. Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” you grumbled truthfully.

“The girls have been gossiping,” he gestured to the two other girls playing in the water. Your closest friends. It was four of you in that inseparable group.

“Of course they have,” you groaned, “Tell them to SAY IT TO MY FACE, COWARDS!”

You shouted at them, earning you grins and middle fingers from the distance.

“They’re saying you’re in love with someone,” he chuckled, “But they always say stupid shit like that without any evidence. But sometimes, a girl’s intuition is just right, ya know?”

“Stop beating around the bush, Alex,” you rolled your eyes at him despite knowing he couldn’t see past your sunglasses. “No, I’m not in love. I’m just waiting for a text that might never come.”

“Why don’t you text him first?”

“Because it’s not as simple as that!” you flailed your arms, “He’s… complicated. I can’t just text him anything.”

“Girl, unless he’s Mr. Nottingham, or related to you, then it really isn’t that complicated,” he joked.

“Ugh,” you groaned again, falling back onto the cloth you spread out. “Fine. I’ll text him.”

“Atta girl,” Alex grinned, “I’m gonna head back in the water. Join us after. Please?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved.

Opening the text window for what had to be the thirtieth time, you finally decided to text him.

You: Miss me yet?

Staring intently at the small ‘sent’ below your message bubble, you waited for it to turn to ‘delivered’.

“Yes!” you hissed. It meant that Jason had indeed switched on the phone.

But after twenty minutes you realised that it didn’t matter if Jason switched on the phone if he didn’t want to talk to you. Cursing to yourself, you decided to join your friends in the water, hoping it’ll distract you from checking your phone every five minutes for a text message that might never come.

After an hour of actually spending time with your friends, all four of you returned to the villa, your mood elevated. Checking your phone, you could have jumped for joy when you saw not one, but four consecutive texts in a row.

Jason: Duck off. Jason: What the duck Jason: WHY CANT I SAY DUCK Jason: I DUCKING HATE THIS

You couldn’t let out a string of giggles.

“Oooh, lover boy texted you back, huh?” Alex peeked over your shoulder. “Gimme, I wanna mess with him.”

He snatched your phone from your hands, surprisingly swift and smooth for a civilian, raising it way above his head so you couldn’t reach it and opened the camera.

“Alex-!”

He threw his other arm over your shoulder and pulled you into his bare chest, crushing you before you could tackle him down. He snapped a picture and sent it.

You froze in horror.

“Why the hell did you do that?!” you yelled.

“Relax, I was just messing around,” he gave your phone back to you.

“You don’t- you don’t understand, you fucking asshole!” you screamed.

“I- I’m sorry,” Alex stuttered, surprised by your reaction. “I was just-”

“Fuck off!” you snapped.

Panicking, you saw the little notification below the picture turning from Received to Read.

No. No, no, no, no.

This was bad.

You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason by sending him photos of your activities, thinking that he might react badly to the sudden surplus of familiarity and sense of being close to someone. Now you were worried that he might start to push you away in fear, reverting back to how he was before, and months of progress would have been all for nothing.

He would probably start swearing at you, or worse- switch off the phone and reject any form of communication completely. You hurriedly texted a reply.

You: I’m so sorry! I didn’t send that, my friend was just messing around.

Expecting the worst, you braced yourself for the inevitable. Instead, he sent you:

Jason: Who the hell is that guy?? Jason: Why are you in your underwear??

Your mouth hung open as you stared in shock at the screen. Because you took so long to recover from the shock, he sent you another message.

Jason: ???

Snapping out of it, you texted back.

You: That’s just my friend. Sorry about that! And I’m not in my underwear, it’s a bikini! I’m in Hawaii.

You waited for him to reply, but ten minutes of you sitting anxiously on the turquoise sofa in the middle of the villa listening to the waves of the beach outside from the open doors passed by, and he still hadn’t.

Perhaps he’s busy- wait. There’s no way Jason would be busy. You tried to coax him into a conversation.

You: You can turn off your autocorrect if you want to swear without hassle. Go to your Keyboard settings.

You plopped your phone on the empty seat next to you and dried your hair.

“Ugh, come on!” complained Natalie, fully clothed and washed, walking towards the open concept kitchen from her room. “You’re getting sand everywhere!”

“Woops, my bad,” you grinned.

“There’s a shower outside on the porch for a reason you know,” she flipped her blond beach waves at you, looking through the fridge.

Alex stood quietly at the kitchen island, now scared to say anything.

You rolled your eyes. “Just don’t do it again.”

“Okay, I promise!” he grinned.

Ding.

Jason: fuck. fuck. fucking fuck. Jason: found it. You: Proud of you, man.

You went to your room and showered, then dried off and put on fresh clothes while waiting for Jason to reply.

Of course, he never did.

Groaning, you had to remind yourself that he was not used to human interaction, and texting would come unnaturally to him. Which meant that you had to be the one to keep the conversation going.

You: Do anything interesting since I left?

You saw him typing almost immediately this time.

Jason: no.

Of course not.

You: Have you been eating properly? Jason: yeah.

God, it was so difficult. You were in the middle of typing something when he replied again.

Jason: yoire not my mom Jason: yoire Jason: YOIRE Jason: FUCK WHY CANR I TYPE

You felt guilty for laughing, but you did anyway.

You: Now that you switched off autocorrect, it won’t correct your typos and misspells anymore. Jason: i fucking knw that. Ive been gone for two yeard not twenty. You: Then why do you sound like a grandpa? Jason: BECAISE YOU GAVE ME A FUCKINF IPHONE!! I USED AN ANDROID!!

Now you were really laughing out loud, so you sent him a GIF of a woman rolling her eyes.

Jason: wtf you can send gifs throug text now?? You: Welcome to 2020, my dude. Jason: im not your fucking dude

Typing a reply, Jason interrupted you once again.

Jason: teach me how to do that

Smiling widely, you found that you couldn’t wait for the next week to pass by so you could go back and see him.

***

“How’s Jason?” you asked the minute you reached the Cave computers, panting from the run down.

“Wow, hello to you, too,” Dick chuckled, spinning towards you on the wheeled chair.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Bruce and Dick were in front of the computers, discussing a case that had connections to Bludhaven Police Department.

Gone for two weeks, you had a lot to catch up on.

“According to Alfred, he’s doing well,” Bruce answered, “Even started to ask for seconds last week. Now Alfred has been making portions for two.”

“He asked? For seconds?” you gasped. “How?”

“He left a note on the tray two days after you left. He’s been making meal requests, too. Texts Alfred in the morning to let him know.”

“Texted?!”

“Alfred slipped his number on the tray in case Jason wanted anything specific.”

“I slipped mine as well, but he hasn’t texted me yet,” Dick pouted.

“When did he start texting?” you ignored Dick.

“Last Sunday.”

So the same day you started texting him, then.

“He hasn’t texted me,” Dick sighed, looking dejected like a kid who was told Disneyland blew up.

“He’ll come around, Dick,” you offered him a smile, “I mean- he’s already texting Alfred!”

“Yeah,” he lamented.

“Okaaay, nice talk. I’m gonna go see him now, bye.”

You ran to the box, but stopped right before you opened the internal door. After checking your hair with your phone camera, you tried to stifle the butterflies in your stomach.

Ugh, you were so fucked.

Taking a deep breath, you knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” Jason’s muffled grunt answered you.

Pushing it open, your eyes immediately went to the bed only to find that he wasn’t lounging around reading a book like you expected. Instead, your mouth dropped open when you saw him on the floor, doing push ups.

Shirtless.

Jason had changed drastically during the two weeks you were gone. You noticed that he had definitely gained weight, as well as muscle mass.

“Uh, wh-what are you..?”

He stood up, and you swore your heart skipped a beat.

His muscles were much more prominent and defined now, and he looked like he was going to achieve Dick’s physique if he kept it up for another month or two.

“Welcome back,” he simply said before taking gulps from a water bottle you definitely had not seen before.

“Thanks,” you walked over and sat on his bed, “I’m glad to see that you decided to start taking care of yourself again.”

“What, this? This isn’t for me.”

“Huh?” you cocked your head in curiosity.

“I… I lost a lot of muscle mass. My body- it isn’t how it used to be,” he frowned, “And I can’t have you lusting over it when it’s not at its peak.”

“What- what do you-?” you stammered, suddenly getting hot.

Jason merely smirked and then continued his push ups.

You watched as his developing muscles rippled, a thin layer of sweat making his skin glisten in the light. It was amazing how he had progressed so much in such a short period of time. You guessed that he must have just been occupying his days by working out.

No wonder he’s been asking for seconds.

“Enjoying the view?” Jason breathed, pausing with his arms straightened, his head angled upwards towards you.

“No, shut up,” you looked away.

“Here, be useful,” he started, “Sit on my back.”

“What?”

“I’ve gotten used to my own body weight, I need extra resistance,” he elaborated, “Come on, sit on my back.”

“But it’s all sweaty,” you whined, pretending to protest. Definitely pretending- for the sake of your own dignity.

You got up and went over towards him anyway.

Carefully, awkwardly, you sat on his back as you would a park bench. You rested your palms flat against his sticky skin to stabilise yourself. Suddenly, he dipped down without warning, earning a soft squeal from you.

“Fuck, you’re heavy,” he strained, but continued to do the push ups. He was shakier, struggling with the weight, and after twenty-five, he paused. “Okay, I think I’m done.”

But before you had the chance to get off him, he suddenly stood up, throwing you off his back to have you fall on the floor on your ass.

“Jason, you assho-” you clapped your hand over your mouth, realising what you had just said.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

He stood towering over you, his jaw clenching as he stared you down with his cold, blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry! I forgot! It was a reflex and-”

“Whatever. I don’t care anymore,” he rolled his eyes, reaching for his bottle.

You blinked. Then scrambled to your feet.

“You don’t care anymore?” you repeated slowly.

“I don’t care if you call me that,” he huffed.

That made your heart swell and melt at the same time.

“I got used to your voice,” he mumbled, expression changing as he looked away. He frowned, as if he was angrily staring at a distant object.

You had just guessed that he didn’t like to be called his name because of a sense of familiarity, but now you were thinking that there was much more to that than what you had originally thought.

“So, I can call you… Jason?” you tested.

“Yeah, call me whatever you want,” he sat on his bed, looking up at you.

You smiled, thankful that you had finally crossed that bridge. “You know, I could get some workout stuff for you? Weights, bands, that bar thing that you can put at your door frame for pull ups…”

“You’d like to see that, huh?” he smirked.

“You flatter yourself too much,” you scoffed.

“How was Hawaii?” he changed the subject all of a sudden.

“It was fun. Beach was great, locals were great, loved the vibe- what are you doing?”

Jason had stood back up and started to walk closer and closer to you, getting all up in your space like a predator finally cornering its prey. You kept on taking steps back until your ass hit the edge of the desk.

Nowhere else to run, your heart started hammering. He leaned in, his hands resting on the desk on either side of your body, trapping you against the table and himself. You looked up and gulped. You could almost feel the heat radiating from his bare skin.

“Are you afraid of me?” he muttered lowly.

“Why would I be afraid of you?” you whispered.

“You tell me,” he said.

“Well, I’m not afraid of you,” you stated.

“Oh really?” he raised an eyebrow. Then, you felt his hand grip your wrist tightly, pressing down on your skin with his fingers. “Your pulse is very fast for someone who’s not afraid of me.”

“It’s because you’re all up in my space!” you argued.

“Didn’t look like you mind when your friend,” he snarled the word, “was all up in your space.”

“My friend? What- oh,” you widen your eyes in realisation, “You mean Alex.”

“Is that his name?”

“Alex is just a friend, nothing more. He’s just someone I’m close to,” you reassured him.

Which then made you think about why you were reassuring him.

“Oh, you were definitely close to him,” Jason growled.

“Wait- are you… jealous?” a smile creeped your lips.

He scowled at you for a few moments, and you could see the little tics in his expression that said he was annoyed. The flared nostrils, the muscles of his jaw clenching and unclenching, the very slight twitches at the corner of his left eye.

“No,” he finally said, taking a step back from you. “I’m going to shower. Since you couldn’t stop staring at me, the invitation is still open for you to join.”

“You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I prefer it when you were broody instead of this. Please go back to your depressive mental state,” you sarcastically replied.

Jason barked out an actual laugh. Though his laugh was odd, like someone who’s only now discovering that humans were indeed capable of laughter, you found comfort in it. It was no longer hysterical and devoid of humor. He was getting better, learning to embrace a connection with someone, and it made you extremely happy.

“Maybe I should,” he answered with a cheeky glint in his eye, “Then that way you can give me more sponge baths.”

He left you alone in his room, flushed and at a loss for words.

***

“I find it very odd that people would yell ‘Batman!’ when they realise you’re there,” you rambled while climbing out of the Batmobile.

You were absolutely drenched from the downpour that had been going on all night. It was 4 am on a friday night and you had just returned from patrol.

Bruce took off his cowl immediately, revealing tired eyes despite the relatively slow night.

“It’s like they’re saying ‘Look at me! I’m here! Please knock me out or hang me upside down from the-’ Bruce?”

Bruce had stiffen, staring at something behind you. You turned around and was shocked to see Jason in the mid-distance, sitting on the ground outside the black box that was his room, leaning against the cool metal.

He himself was staring intently at Bruce, not even sparing you a glance.

You looked back and forth between the two men, sensing a high tension silent conversation.

Then, Bruce’s eyes relaxed and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly in that hardly-there-Bruce-smile.

He gave Jason one stiff nod of understanding, then walked away to the computers at the other end of the cave, leaving you alone with his son.

Jason relaxed as you walked over to him, wringing your hair to squeeze out all the excess water.

“Aw, you waited up for me,” you teased, standing in front of him with your hands on your hips, grinning away.

“Fuck off,” he snorted, “I was bored.”

You noticed him clenching his jaw as he looked at you from top to bottom, eyes lingering longer on the ‘R’ on your left breast.

Ah, it was his first time seeing you in your uniform.

His uniform.

Suddenly, you felt like an imposter in those colors and had the strong urge to rip the uniform off.

You wanted to say something, but Jason beat you to it.

“There were times in that shit hole where I wanted to burn that uniform off my skin,” he grit, “Kept on thinking to myself. I wish I never became Robin. I wish I never met Bruce Wayne.”

Your heart shattered at his confession. It was extremely rare for him to bring up anything related to his two year torture, and the previous times were never in such detail.

Realising you needed to say something, you opened your mouth. “I’m so-”

“Don’t,” he cut you off, “You don’t have to say anything.”

Yes, sometimes you knew that he just wanted you to listen.

You nodded silently and went to sit next to him on the floor.

“It… suits you,” he forced out.

“Hmm?”

“The uniform. It suits you. More than it ever suited me,” he grumbled.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I think your ass would look quite nice in green,” you joked, nudging his shoulder with your own.

He chuckled deeply, nudging you back even harder- hard enough for you to lose your balance and topple sideways, earning another breathy laugh from Jason.

***

Another month passed by, and you found yourself falling deeply for Jason- much to your dismay. You knew Jason wasn’t ready for any kind of intense emotions, and that it would take a very long time before he was.

So you swallowed your emotions down, stifling them and hoping it would go away.

The two of you had developed a pleasant friendship, often bickering and joking around, with Jason teasing you about your obvious physical attraction to him.

He also now occasionally waited outside his cube for you to come back after patrol, never really venturing too far from it, and still avoiding contact with both Bruce and Dick. Only you and Alfred had the privilege to speak to him.

Even then, sometimes you would visit his room but only getting a “I’m not feeling it today. Please leave.”

Understandingly, you would nod silently and leave him alone. You knew he still had his bad days, sometimes not eating his meals.

But mostly, he was getting better, both mentally and physically.

With nothing much to do the whole day, Jason was now obsessed with working out and bulking up. He now had a few simple equipment in his room- mostly weights.

You figured that it was a coping mechanism for him, a healthy outlet to channel all his rage and negative emotions into.

But come on. He was getting even hotter and it was making it extremely difficult for you to stop yourself from checking him out, fantasizing about him when he wasn’t around. Still, you couldn’t complain. Even though he hadn’t reached Dick’s size yet, he was very near to it, and his naturally bigger body frame and build made up for the still developing muscles.

Hell, he was now sporting a six pack.

But you knew that he was still not as well as you hoped he would be. The bloodshot eyes he had was proof that he doesn’t sleep well- and you soon found out why.

It was a little past midnight on your night off from patrol, and you were using your break in the best way you could think of- by sleeping. Something woke you up that night.

A soft knock on your door.

You frowned, eyes still closed, wondering who it was.

Bruce would usually knock twice. Strong, clear, and with purpose. Dick would start pounding rapidly on your door, annoying you intentionally. Alfred would give three soft knocks followed by a ‘Miss?’

Your eyes flew open. There was only one other person in the manor.

Throwing your covers aside, you jumped out of bed and rushed to the door to open it.

Jason stood outside your door in the dim lights of the hallway, frowning and running his fingers nervously through his messy dark hair. He was wearing a t-shirt with boxers, standing awkwardly.

“Jason?” you hated how your voice sounded so sleepy. You cleared your throat. “Are you okay? Would you like to come in?”

He nodded silently, and you made way for him to enter before closing the door behind you.

“Sit on the bed,” you told him while jumping back into yours, sitting up cross legged.

The bed dipped when he sat on it, copying your motion and crossed his legs.

You waited for him to say something, your eyes straining to catch his in the dark. But he just remained silent, staring into space and avoiding your eyes.

“How did you know this was my room?” you asked, starting with a light topic.

“Only one that was locked. I already know where everyone else sleeps,” he explained.

“That’s right,” you realised, “I tend to forget that you’re probably even more familiar with the manor than I am.”

“Did you know there’s an old dumbwaiter in Bruce’s room?” you saw him smirk from the shadows that was casted on his face, “I used to hide in there, waiting to catch him off guard.”

“What? Why?”

“Dick and I, we had a bet,” he recalled the memory, “Whoever gets to surprise Bruce first would owe the other a special favor. Only rule was that we had to have it on video as proof.”

You appreciated that moment, the first time he ever spoke about both Dick and Bruce as a fond memory.

“I won, by the way,” he continued, “But- I forgot to press record on my phone.”

“Oh, no,” you groaned for him.

“Yeah, and Dick refused to believe me,” he chuckled, “That old man didn’t want to admit it either. But I swear- the look on his face when I jumped out while he and some model were going at it- priceless.”

Your jaw dropped, and then you burst into a fit of laughter, tears filling your eyes.

“You- you- you jumped out on him while he was having sex?!” you squealed.

“Yeah,” he grinned, “I didn’t even care that it sort of scarred me, because I managed to catch Batman off guard.”

The both of you laughed, his deep voice mingling with your own on that quiet night.

“I’m glad you’re here, Jason,” you smiled warmly at him.

But then, his smile fell.

“I hate my name now.”

“I’m sorry,” you began, “You said it was okay to call you that, so I-”

“No, it’s fine,” he started running his fingers through his hair again, “It’s just- I don’t know.”

“You can tell me anything,” you reassured, “It won’t leave this room. I promise.”

He looked at you, worry in his eyes. “Okay. Fine. Yeah.”

You waited for him to begin.

He took a deep breath. “I’ve been having nightmares. Almost every night. It’s always the same one.”

“You want to tell me about it?” you prompted him after waiting for him to continue.

“I hate my name because he said it a lot. Joker,” he scowled, “After repeatedly burning my skin for my name, it’s like that’s all he said. In that annoying, high pitched, sing-song voice of his. Jason, Jason, Jason. It made me hate my name. It made me hate hearing it.”

“I- I didn’t know how much time passed when I was in there,” he continued, “But, fuck. It was- it was hell. And the worst part was that I kept on waiting for Bruce. Waiting and hoping for him to find me and save me. I was so desperate. You- I-”

He choked on his words. His eyes were squeezed shut and his lips tight.

You wanted to reach out to him, hug him, tell him that everything was okay now. But you didn’t. You waited for him to collect himself so he could finish telling you his story, just like how he wanted to.

“Anyway, I- despite all that,” he sighed, “That was the only thing that kept me sane. I kept on clinging onto the hope that he was out there, searching. And that helped for a while. Until- until that happened.”

He was breathing heavily now, fidgeting more. Jason was definitely getting increasingly agitated the deeper he went.

“Fuck,” he breathed, “Fuck.”

The moment you realised he was crying was when he let out a sniffle. You automatically took his hand in yours, squeezing it as a form of comfort.

“It’s okay,” you told him, “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.”

“No,” he shook his head, “I need to. I have to. I can’t take this anymore. Keeping everything in, I feel like I’m about to fucking explode.”

“Okay, then take it slow,” you said, “No rush. Anytime you’re ready.”

He nodded, eyes still closed, as if he was afraid of letting you see him cry.

“One night,” he began, “I think- I don’t know what was different- but I think something went wrong for him. Or right? That’s how it was. Tormenting me was fun, but it was also an outlet for him. But at the same time when he was happy, he also tortured me. He came to me, and- injected me with some sort of drug. That never happened before. He made sure that my head was clear whenever he hurt me so that I could feel everything he did.”

“But- he did- and- immediately, I felt weak,” he continued, “I mean, I was already weak. But my head. It was cloudy. I remember everything clearly, but it was like my brain couldn’t process it, couldn’t communicate with my body. I felt like I was looking out through a window that was my eyes- like I was in someone else’s body, experiencing someone else’s moments.”

“He released me,” Jason’s voice was now barely a whisper. “He released me from the ropes, and I fell to the floor. And then he- he- fuck.”

He let go of your hand and started pulling at his hair, rocking back and forth on your bed. He was sobbing now, his shoulders jerking up in sharp intakes of breaths. The only thing you could do was to stay silent and hold back your own tears.

You rested your hand on his knee, giving him a textile connection with reality so he doesn’t fall into his own thoughts.

“You- he- he- ruh- ruhp-”

Your heart sank to your stomach in horror as you realised what Jason was trying to say. It was as if you were plunged into icy water, chills running down your spine at the true revelation of what he had gone through in that cursed cell.

“Oh, no,” you breathed.

“He pushed me down,” he choked, “Pushed me down and climbed on top. I- I couldn’t even fight him. I was- I was conscious the whole time and I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t fucking do anything.”

Your tears were falling down now, both at the sight of Jason looking so vulnerable and fragile, and at his confession. Not being able to help yourself, you threw your arms over his neck and crashed into his hard body, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

His arms immediately wrapped around you, clutching you so hard it was painful as he buried his own face into your shoulder.

“And he kept on saying my name,” he said in muffled cries, “Jason, Jason, Jason. The whole fucking time. And- and I knew. He didn’t do it for pleasure. He did it to torment me. He- he didn’t even- he didn’t even finish.”

Jason sobbed into your skin for the next few minutes, his tears soaking through your night shirt. “But I did. Even though it was painful. Fuck, the pain was worse than anything he had ever done to me before. But- he- I- I fucking came.”

The both of you were sobbing now, his ragged breaths mingling together with your own on that quiet night.

His grip on you was tight, as if he thought that if he let go, you would disappear. So he clung onto you with all his might to keep you there with him as he recalled the horrific events.

“That's what broke me. I was so disgusted with myself. I hated myself. And he- he saw everything and- and laughed. He laughed so hard, I thought he was going to choke and die. I’ve never seen him laugh like that. And I remember every single fucking moment of being helpless on that fucking floor while he- fuck. Fuck.”

“And then he left. He left me on the floor bleeding and I never saw him again. And I went fucking insane. I tried to kill myself so many fucking times. So many times, I lost count. That’s what I dream about every night. His laughs, and his ‘Jason, Jason, Jason’.”

And that was that. That was the story.

The end of Jason Todd.

The both of you cried long and hard that night in each other’s arms. Eventually, you both lied down on the pillows together, underneath the covers.

“Please don’t tell Bruce,” he whispered to you.

Your head was on his chest, his big arms wrapped around your waist, your legs tangled with his.

You smiled at that. Even with the trauma, even with the sense of abandonment he felt, he still wanted to protect Bruce from knowing the truth.

Because the both of you knew that the truth would kill him.

“I promise,” you whispered back.

And then the both of you fell asleep together.

***

“Has Jason been sleeping in your room with you?” Bruce asked you on one fine Saturday morning at breakfast.

It had been about a week and a half since the first time Jason knocked on your door and poured out his feelings to you.

“He gets nightmares,” you tried to explain.

He thought that if he told you everything, the nightmares would stop. But it didn’t. But he then realised that the only thing that made it better was sleeping by your side, having someone there to wake him up from living his own hell in a loop.

“And do the two of you… Just sleep?” Bruce frowned.

“Yes!” you widen your eyes in horror at the insinuation. “Bruce! Come on!”

“I know you have feelings for him, and I’m sure he does for you as well. But I don’t think something like that is what Jason needs right now,” he stated.

“Yes, I know!” you groaned at the thought having that kind of conversation with him, “Jesus, Bruce. I know. I’m just there to wake him up or help him fall back asleep. Nothing more.”

Bruce nodded, deep in thought. “Has he… told you? About what happened?”

You pursed your lips. “Yes.”

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Hmm,” his frown went deeper. “I understand. He will tell me when he is ready.”

“Exactly,” you smiled, hiding the fact that Jason may never tell Bruce what happened. Never the full story.

“He still hasn’t left the manor?”

“No,” you sighed, “I asked him if he wanted some fresh air. Just outside the main door, not even going down the steps. But he refused. Told me to, and I quote, ‘Fuck off’.”

“Well, he’s only just left the cave, and it’s just to your room,” Bruce thought out loud, “It’s still progress. Especially since he’s been talking to you about the past.”

“He only spoke about it one time,” you said, “And then never again.”

“I see,” he hummed, “And you’re okay with him sleeping with you?”

“Next to me, Bruce, sleeping next to me,” you corrected.

“Yes, and you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, it’s all good,” you assured him, “I can kick him out any time I want- but I don’t want to. He looks like a lost puppy sometimes.”

“An angry lost puppy.”

You chuckled at that and couldn’t agree more.

*** While Jason got the sleep he needed when he was next to you, it was counterproductive on your end. You had never been with anyone before, and definitely had not slept on the same bed with another man.

So to feel his body heat and breaths against your skin, his occasional light snores, it made your mind go on hyperdrive.

Most of the time, the two of you would just lie down, your back against his front, or your backs against each other, or both on your backs just staring at the ceiling- and talked. You would be the one talking the most, of course, about anything you could think of. You would tell him about your day, your patrols, something you read about online, or the current news.

But that one particular night during week three of him sleeping next to you, the two of you were silent. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence, but the kind of silence that was pleasant and was better described as a peaceful quiet.

You had your back pressed against his front and his arm was lazily draped over your waist. It was a cold night, and you were wearing just a tank top and pyjama shorts, snuggling under the covers that went up all the way to your nose.

Shifting a bit while snuggling comfortably, you pressed yourself against Jason’s body to get more of his heat. But then, you were met with something poking against your lower back.

“Ngh, please ignore that,” Jason huffed.

Oh.

For some reason, you forgot that Jason was a physically healthy male who was capable of having sexual thoughts and feelings. All this while, you thought you were the only one.

“Are you- uh- is that- uh-” you stuttered, feeling your face flush with heat.

Feeling your body suddenly alert with excitement.

“Yes, it’s my fucking penis,” he grit almost angrily, “What, never heard of an erection before?”

“Of course I have!” you argued rather defensively, “It’s just- I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Why?” he demanded, “You didn’t think I could get it up or something?”

“No, of course not!” you denied, “It just didn’t cross my mind, that’s all.”

A pause. Then-

“Well,” he sighed, “You wouldn’t have been wrong.”

Your mind blanked for a second.

“What do you mean?” you asked softly.

“It’s my- fuck- it’s my first time,” he confessed.

“Your first time getting an erection?” you gasped.

“No, you idiot,” he snapped, “It’s my first time getting hard since… since… then.”

Oh. Oh, you were an idiot.

“It’s just- after that- even when I was downstairs, alone and safe, I- I couldn’t,” he told you, “I kept on thinking back to that time and- and I couldn’t. I found it disgusting.”

And immediately, like someone doused you in cold water, any feeling of horniness you had when you first felt his erection against you disappeared. You just felt so sad for him, but also angry. Angry that he had to go through all of that, and angrier that there was nothing you could do about it.

“So, why do you think you’re getting it now?” you asked. Perhaps talking about it in an objective manner would help guide him through his thought process.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffed, “You’re fucking pressing your ass against my dick, what did you think would happen?”

“Wait, what?” your eyes widen, “You’re hard because of me?”

“No shit,” he said, “You’re hardly wearing any clothes, too.”

You shouldn’t feel happy due to the circumstance and context, but there you were ecstatic that he found you attractive enough to pop a boner after so long.

“Fuck,” he sighed, suddenly pressing himself closer to you.

His hand that draped over your waist when to actually grip it. Then, then, he grinded his hard on against your ass.

“Mmm,” he rumbled deeply, “Feels good.”

There. That was it. You were once again flooded with the feeling of heat that pooled at your stomach, a tingling sensation started at your core. Feeling hot despite the low temperature of the night, you clenched your thighs together, needing the slight pressure.

“Yeah?” you whispered.

“Yeah,” he grinded on you again, and then unexpectedly let out a chuckle.

“What is it?” you smiled, loving it whenever you heard him laugh.

“I thought… For the longest time, I thought I was broken. That he broke me,” he revealed, “I thought I needed to get all Wingardium Leviosa on this little fucker.”

“Oh my God,” you laughed and groaned at the same time, “You’re so fucking embarassing.”

He laughed along with you and continued. “But now I’m hard and- and horny. You made me feel like I’m normal again. Like I’m sixteen again, and getting horny over everything.”

Sometimes, we take the normal things for granted. Food, shelter, clothes. In this case, it was a goddamned boner. In a way, Jason’s erection was symbolic- however funny it sounded. Getting your sexual appetite and need back after being so traumatised was a massive leap for many people who had experienced the same thing.

It meant that Jason was healing well.

“Does that make you happy?” you asked.

“Not particularly,” he admitted, “But I’m definitely not sad either.”

“That’s good enough for now, then,” you beamed.

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Another few moments of silence. You could feel it, his cock pushing into you. However tempted you were to push back and grind, you held yourself still.

“Uh, Jason?” you voiced.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to like, take care of it?” you asked, “I mean. My bathroom is available. Or- there are many empty rooms.”

“No,” he simply stated.

“No?”

“No.”

“It’s kinda poking into me.”

“Just ignore it.”

“Ignore it?” you gaped, “How can I ignore it? You’re literally pressing it into my ass.”

“Well, then do you want to take care of it?” he teased.

You couldn’t argue back. “Fine, I’ll ignore it.”

He chuckled. “I’ll turn around.”

When he made the movement, you suddenly grabbed him by the wrist. “No, it’s fine. Stay here.”

You expected him to tease you like he usually would, make a crass comment, or even a ‘fuck off’.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around you again in silence, and the both of you drifted to sleep.

***

“Do you think this color suits me?” Natalie asked, holding up a floral red dress.

The four of you were at the mall in Diamond District. Now that high school was over, and everyone would be going off to separate colleges in a few months, you tried to spend time with each other as much as you could.

“Any color suits you, Nat,” you rolled your eyes, “You’re hot stuff.”

“Jesus, it’s like you’re shoving it in our faces at this point,” Sarah added, flipping her brunette hair to the side, tight curls flowing down.

“Aw, you guys,” Nat pretended to tear up, “I’m gonna miss you guys so much!”

“Not again,” Alex groaned, “We’ve been through this so many times.”

“I’m gonna be so miserable without you guys,” Natalie continued on, ignoring Alex’s interruption.

“I don’t know,” Sarah shrugged, “I think I’d enjoy New York. I can have pizza parties with the rats in my overpriced apartment.”

You chuckled at Sarah’s joke. Everyone was leaving Gotham except you. Deciding to continue with Robin, you opted for Gotham University- prestigious, old, and most importantly, close to home.

Your phone dinged in your pocket. You opened it to find texts from Dick.

Dick: OH MY GOD. Dick: I’m at the Manor. Dick: Was going to the Cave gym to work out. Dick: AND Dick: JASON IS HERE!!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

That was new. Jason would usually just use whatever basic equipment he had in his room to work out. The fact that he was at the Cave’s sparring area where all the other fancier work out equipment were was out of the ordinary.

You: Just go. See if he reacts. If he suddenly stiffens and just stay there not doing anything, then leave. If he continues on, then it’s okay to stay- but don’t initiate anything! Dick: OKOKOK

You waited anxiously for Dick’s update. All four of you were now walking towards the food court, but you hardly listened to their bickering. Forty-five minutes passed before Dick texted you again.

Dick: OMG HE TALKED TO ME You: What did he say? Dick: He asked me to pass him his towel. You: That’s all he said? Dick: IT’S PROGRESS OKAY!!

Dick was right. It meant that Dick was now the third person Jason had spoken to. Adding another person to his list of contacts was definitely progress.

You were happy for him.

You:Is he still there? Dick: Nah he left Dick: But WOW he’s looking good. He must have been really going at it. I think he might get bigger than me soon You: All he does now is work out. He’s obsessed. Dick: Yeah I can tell

You decided to leave it at that for now and try to concentrate on your friends, but Dick sent another message.

Dick: ARE YOU TWO HAVING SEX?!?!

You spat out your drink, earning weird looks from everyone.

You: DICK!!!! WTF NO!!

Dick never replied.

***

“Can I ask you for a favor?” Jason asked, his voice breaking the silence of your dark room. The two of you were on your bed, lying down and staring at the ceiling.

“Of course,” you said. It didn’t matter to you what Jason asks for. He hardly ever asked for anything.

“Could you… Take me out tomorrow?” he requested, “If you’re not doing anything else, that is.”

“Uh, sure!” you nodded, surprised. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere,” he shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, okay,” you hesitated, “But- are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to go so far so quickly. Maybe you should start with just going to the backyard?”

“No, I’ll be fine,” he insisted. “I’m not a kid.”

“Okay then,” you agreed. “Tomorrow.”

You kept on glancing anxiously at him the next day as he climbed into the passenger seat of your car. He was quiet, but looked perfectly fine.

Switching the engine on, you drove out of the garage and out the large automatic gates. Trees soon surrounded the lonely road on both sides as you descended downhill into town.

“So where are we going?” he asked.

“I thought Robinson Park would be nice,” you said. It was around three in the afternoon, yet Gotham was dark as though the day was ending. It was cloudy, skies grey and wind blowing.

“You’re taking me to a park?” he scoffed.

“It’s more quiet than anywhere else,” you reasoned with him, “Less people. Spacious. Lots of greenery.”

“Whatever.”

Reaching the parking space of the park, you noticed that there were a few cars. Mothers and nannies liked to bring children out to the park around that time. Joggers and teens, college students and retired elderly seeking a little escape from the high rise buildings of concrete and glass.

You turned the engine off and proceeded to open the door, only then noticing Jason stiffening. Looking over to him, you saw that his eyebrows were pulled down in a deep frown, his jaw clenched, his hands in fists on his knees.

You didn’t say anything or make any comment. Leaning back into your seat, you waited until Jason was ready.

About five minutes passed before he took a deep breath, gave you a nod, and then opened his door.

The two of you walked along a path at the park, going deeper inside and further away from your car. There were a few joggers around, some tourists, and some teens taking photos. You saw a group of kids in the distance playing frisbee, and the others were walking their dogs.

An empty bench stood in the middle of the park, overlooking a clearing. You headed there, Jason following closely behind.

“It’s a bit gloomy today,” you pouted, “As if Gotham could be anything other than that, of course.”

You looked at Jason.

He looked like a scared dog being brought out for the first time.

His jittery knees were bouncing rapidly, his wide eyes were darting at every movement, his forehead was covered with a thin layer of sweat, and his breathing was heavy.

“Woah, woah,” you reached out to him, putting an arm on his back. “It’s okay. I’m here. Just listen to me talk, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he gulped.

“Try to calm your breathing,” you instructed, “Deep breaths, Jason. In… out… In… Out… Yeah, see that’s great.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, now calmer. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled warmly, “You’re doing just fine.”

“No, I’m not,” he strained, “I feel like everything is too big. Too vast. The fucking sky looks like it’s going to crash down on me and at the same time suck me up into a void.”

“And despite all you’re feeling right now, you’re not breaking down or anything, are you?” you tried, “You’re okay, Jason. This is progress.”

“I guess,” he sighed, “I’m just- I’m so used to having four walls and a ceiling. Now everything feels too big.”

“I understand,” you empathized, “Whenever you want to go back, just say the word. Or we can even just go and sit in the car. No problem.”

“Yeah, okay, let’s do that,” he stood up.

The walk back to the car was faster.

“Fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“No, you’re not,” you reassured him, “That was great, Jason. Come on, it was your first time outside in two years and a half. Cut yourself some slack.”

“I’m so fucking broken,” he choked.

“Don’t say that,” you scolded, “You’re not broken. And you know what, even if you think you are, we can always fix it. Baby steps. Maybe we can do this once a week. We were out for like, ten minutes? Next week we’ll try fifteen. How’s that sound?”

“Twice a week,” he stated, “I just want to be normal again.”

“Okay, twice a week, then,” you agreed, “We’ll try again in a couple of days, okay?”

“Okay,” he paused, “Thank you.”

“No problemo,” you grinned, “Would you like to stay here a bit longer or shall we go back?”

“Let’s go back.”

“Wanna stop by the diner? You can wait in the car while I ask for a take-away?”

“...okay.”

***

Jason and you had gone out twice more. Once three days after the first time, and the other a week later. The second time he went out, he lasted twenty minutes, though you were sure he was being stubborn on his part. He looked like he was having a heart attack, but he insisted on staying until he hit the twenty minute mark.

The third time, he was much much better. Surprisingly so. The two of you sat down on that bench for half an hour, with you even leaving him alone for a few minutes to get two ice cream cones.

After that, you took him for a drive around the city. He seemed to be more comfortable in the car, so you went all the way from Robinson Park to Diamond District, and back to the manor.

Bruce seemed very pleased with your update, and you swore you could see him actually smile.

“Thank you,” he had told you. “You’ve done more than I could have ever asked of you.”

“It’s no problem, Bruce. Really,” you reassured him.

“I’m his father. He is my responsibility. It’s my fault he’s even in that state. I wish I could do more for him,” he said solemnly.

“The fact that you understand what he needs is more than helpful, Bruce,” you smiled, “Not many parents can do that. You understand and respect him. That’s enough for now.”

He simply nodded.

Ever since your scheduled outings, Jason had become more and more relaxed whenever he was in the manor. He now walked to the kitchen on occasion to mess with Alfred while he cooked meals for him, sometimes sitting in the living room lounging on the couch while reading. Most of the time, though, he was down at the sparring zone of the Cave, working out.

But at night, he would never fail to knock on your door.

And at that particular night, you found yourself in the same situation again while lying down on your side with your back to his front, for the fifth time.

“You officially have to stop calling yourself broken,” you grumbled, “Because that thing poking into my ass is definitely not broken.”

He chuckled lowly. “You complaining, sweetheart?”

Oh, and yes. Jason now had started calling you ‘sweetheart’. Why? You had no clue. It was just a thing that happened. The look on your face when he first slipped it in was probably a sight to behold.

“No shit, I’m complaining, Jason,” you groaned, “You haven’t jerked off, yet? Not even once?”

“Nope,” he popped the P, “I just… I don’t want to… I don’t want to come.”

You sighed, understanding the situation. He had been disgusted with himself because he had ejaculated when Joker… Well, that. You hated to even think about it, so you always shoved the thought away.

“But unfortunately for me, I still get super horny,” he rumbled deeply, pushing his hips into you even more, “So fucking horny.”

“And then I have to suffer,” you complained.

“I can assure you, blue balls are more painful than something poking into you,” he bickered.

“It’s not that…”

“Then?”

“I get horny too, come on man,” you whined, “I’m a hormonal teenage girl. What did you expect?”

“You get horny too?” he whispered after a pause.

“Uh, yeah,” you admitted nervously. Somehow, the mood shifted, and your heart started drumming against your chest.

“Because of me?” he asked.

“Not you specifically, I mean,” you tried to back track, “You’re… Your dick pressing up against me like that, I mean, come on, Jason.”

“Simple question sweetheart,” he told you, “You get horny because of me, yes or no?”

You gulped. “Yes.”

Fuck, why did you say yes? You could have lied. You could have not answered.

“Yeah?” he breathed. You noticed that his hand was now on your hip, right above the waistband of your sleeping shorts, drawing circles onto your skin with his thumb.

You were nervous. The butterflies in your tummy was not helping you calm down.

“Yeah,” you squeezed your eyes shut, as if to protect yourself from anything he had to say.

“Fuck,” he groaned, gripping your hips and grinding his hard on against your ass even more. And did it… Fuck, did it get even harder?

Afraid of saying the wrong thing, and also out of nervousness, you remained silent. Jason’s chest rose and fall against your back, his respiratory rate increasing. His pinky finger slid underneath the waistband, testing the waters before slowly slipping his hand into your pants.

He went in so slowly, as if waiting for you to tell him no, to rip his hand away, to wrench yourself away from him. But you never did, so he went in deeper, caressing the skin beneath your pelvic bone, his heat just burning into you.

“You’re not wearing any underwear,” he commented, voice suddenly husky.

“I don’t wear them to bed,” you informed him.

“You mean to tell me,” he growled, “That all this while I’ve been sleeping next to you and you never had your panties on?”

“It’s more comfortable that way,” you mumbled.

“Jesus Christ,” he cursed. “Thank God I never knew. Would have been torture, and trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”

“Jason,” you gasped.

“It’s true,” he said, “Damn, sweetheart.”

He went lower, closer to your center.

Your core was tingly, small pulses of electricity buzzed through your body as Jason came closer and closer and closer and-

He slipped his hands between your closed thighs and cupped you.

“Mmm,” he moaned softly, “Warm. Fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy?” you laughed, even though you felt like screaming on the inside. Screaming for more.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, burying his face into your nape, taking a deep breath. “You smell nice.”

Oh, shit. You totally forgot about Jason’s aversion to strong smells.

“I’m sorry!” you quickly apologised, “I can switch to an unscented shampoo as well so it wouldn’t be too strong for you.”

“It’s fine,” he said, “I like it on you.”

He ground his hand into your center harder.

“Mmpf, Jay,” you breathed, “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed, “I’ve never touched a girl like this before.”

“Really?” you widen your eyes in surprise.

“I was kept in a cell for two years, I couldn’t exactly talk, let alone touch, anyone can I?” he quipped.

“Right.”

“Teach me,” he said.

“What?” you whispered despite knowing what he meant.

A pause of silence. A deep intake of breath, a slow exhale.

“Teach me how to touch you,” he purred.

Fuck, you felt like exploding.

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“Yes. If you… If you want to.”

Your mind quickly tried to analyse the situation. Bruce had specifically said that Jason didn’t need any complicated matters in the relationship. It made sense. You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason with any confusion or uncertainty.

But at the same time, you’ve been figuring out how Jason thought, bit by bit. He’s told you many times that he just wanted to be normal again, to feel normal, to do normal things. And this was something that was normal, that he should do, that he wanted to do.

And you knew that he probably would take the rejection even worse.

“O-Okay,” you agreed.

Slowly, you separated your thighs, raising the one on top and hooking it over his legs behind you. Due to your shift in position, you felt the minute Jason’s fingers dip slightly into your folds.

“So, uh, this is my first time with a guy as well,” you squeaked, “But I’ll try to guide you.”

You licked your lips.

“Uhm, well, I guess you can start by running a finger up and down between my- oh! Yes, just like that.”

His middle finger slid down to your opening, and then up again slowly. His movements were uncertain, brushing only slightly against your clit unintentionally.

It was different, having someone else touch you. Somehow, despite the inexperience, it just felt better.

“Holy fuck,” he gasped, “You’re so fucking wet. Do you usually get this wet?”

You felt your cheeks heat up. “No? Yes? I don’t know! I can’t feel it.”

“Shit.”

You let him play with you some more, his fingers sliding up and down, sometimes pressing against your fleshy parts, sometimes circling and gathering your wetness, sometimes just parting your lips. Hell, he even tapped the tips of his fingers on you randomly or brushed into your delicate fuzz. You knew he was just exploring, feeling you for the first time.

And that thought made you smile and sigh.

“Teach me how to make you feel good,” he rasped.

“Uh, so your fingers are wet, right?”

“Yeah. Because you’re leaking all over them.”

“Okay, good. Now find my clit. It’s slightly above your finger, okay, to the left a bit. More. Okay, there! Yeah, right there,” you sighed, finally feeling that delicious pressure.

“Here?”

He tapped your clit.

“Ah!” you moaned, “Yes- but don’t just- nevermind, just gently circle it. Clockwise.”

He obeyed, and hell since when did Jason just obey?

He circled you gently, like you said. But he also went so, so slow.

“Faster, Jay,” you panted.

He went faster, making you groan in pleasure.

“Like this, sweetheart?” he muttered, his voice low and cracking, and sexy, and husky. You’ve never heard him sound like that before, and it drove you wild.

“Yeah,” you breathed, “Yeah, just like that. Fuck.”

“Feel good?”

“So good, Jay. Press a little harder now- fuck. Fuck. Yes, perfect. Just like that.”

The pressure built as his fingers did their magic.

“You- you’re surprisingly good at that,” you stuttered, “You sure- mmm- you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“Despite what you think,” he husked in your ear, warm breath tickling you. “I’m very good at following instructions.”

“I can see that.”

“But I’m also good at improvising.”

“Wha- oh. Oh. Fuck! Jason! Oh my fucking god!”

He started pressing even harder, and going even faster, throwing away the slow build you were going for and instead pushing you towards orgasm fast and hard, as if he was determined to prove something to you.

“Feel good, sweetheart?” he purred, “You gonna come soon?”

“Oh my- fuck, yes! Fuck, don’t stop!”

“You want to come for me?” his deep voice rumbled.

“Yes!”

What the hell? When did he learn how to talk like that?

Because with the mix of his heavy pants, his low voice coaxing you, his barrage of pleasure at your clit, you felt the familiar tightening of your core. You threw one hand back and found his hair. Running your fingers through them, you gripped them tight and pulled.

You pulled on his hair as he forced the orgasm onto you.

“Oh my God. Jason, I’m gonna- fuck- I’m- fuck- ah!”

You moaned loudly as you felt your walls flutter, clenching over nothing as you reached your high.

“O-okay, stop, fuck,” your hand went from his hair to his wrist, stilling him. He withdrew his hands from your pants, and went to grip you tight again by the waist.

“Fucking hell, sweetheart,” he groaned, grinding into you. You pushed your ass back, feeling his hardened length against your flesh in your post-orgasm bliss. “Jesus, that was so hot.”

“That was- yeah,” you giggled, “Fuck.”

His face was still buried in your neck. You could feel his lips on your skin.

“Uhm, I can, you know,” you sputtered, “Try to help you out?”

“It’s fine,” he breathed, body still tight against yours, “Just go to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” you asked again, feeling guilty that he didn’t get off. “I don’t mind.”

“I do,” he said, “It’s okay, sweetheart. That was great. I enjoyed that. I told you, I don’t want to come.”

“Okay,” you sighed.

“Go to bed.”

“Thank you, Jason.”

“Fuck, I’m so horny.”

“Jason,” you whined, “Really, I can help-”

“I’m kidding,” he chuckled, “Goodnight.”

You pursed your lips.

“Goodnight.”

[linopetal]

lily calla’s.

genre : mostly angst ( ? )

pairings : na jaemin x reader

warnings : mentions of underage drinking , cursing , like one mention of making out , cheating

word count : 1.8k

authors note : oh wow :O this fic is personal in a way 2 me bc its based off of something that happened to me - today in class i saw a sight and it brought up old feelings which inspired this fic. i hope you enjoy it <3 !

you vividly remember the first time you had met na jaemin. it was your first day in the first grade. you had been so nervous. you were often quite , not outgoing at all , you didnt know how to react when you walked into a classroom full of people. everyone had introduced themselves. but one person stuck out to you , na jaemin. you remember the smile plastered on his face when the bell rang for recess. you ran straight towards the monkey bars. when you looked right behind you , there he was. he slowly walked up towards you with a big welcoming smile on his face, “ hi im jaemin , nice to meet you “ he said. “ oh um im y/n “ you nervously spoke. that had been your first encounter with the black haired boy. and that had been the start of your blossoming love for him.

in the sixth grade , your mom took you to a halloween carnival. you vividly remember the purple and black witch costume your mom made you. you loved that costume. halloween was one of your favorite holidays and times of the year , you always loved trick or treating and getting candy. your mom had decided to take you to a near by carnival. as soon as you got there , you ran to find soonyoung , your best friend since kindergarten. “ y/n do you want to go play go fish ? “ , soonyoung asked you. “ of course “ , you responded. you remember your poor skills of attempting to throw the ping pong ball into the water. after 5 tries you finally decided to give up. but around that time , you saw in the corner if your eye jaemin walking up to you. you had felt butterflies overcrowd your heart. “ hey y/n , i beat i can win you one ! “ he said joyfully. and again you were so happy. you remember him winning you a goldfish. you decided to name it nana after him. you kept that goldfish for years.

in the tenth grade , you remember that you were finally planning to confess. after years of being in denial for how you felt , you finally accepted it was time to tell him. you were mistaken. you and jaemin were only mutual friends , never reaching passed that stage. you didnt talk consistently. so you were taken aback when he randomly walked up to you one day during lunch. you thought that maybe this could be a good time. he looked happy today , maybe you would not receive a bad response. again , you were mistaken. when he finally reached you , he said words that broke you just a little , “ hey y/n ! do you know what somin’s favorite flower is ? i heard you two were friends and i wanted to get her something for her birthday since i kind of like her “ , he said nervously , scratching his head. you gulped , completely overwhelmed with feelings. of course you were happen he liked someone. somin was always kind and funny. how could he not like her ? she was particularly perfect. in this moment , you felt far from even remotely decent. you sighed and looked up with a fake smile , “ of course ! she always told me how she loves lily calla’s ! “ , you said , attempting to try your best at acting fine. beauty....thats what they represent , somin was beautiful. you were decent. she offered more than you could ever. “ thank you y/n “ he smiled and walked off.

you remember how you dreaded the eleventh grade. that year was something you could never forget. jaemin and somin were known as the best couple there was in the school. in class , they always were hand in hand every second and you hated it. it had been so many years yet you still loved him. and how ? you dont even know. but during that school year , you had finally decided something.

you had noticed this boy in your algebra class. his name was lee donghyuck. he was always so funny. he made jokes that could make you laugh endlessly. one day you had decided to ask him out. you knew you werent over jaemin , but you also knew you never had a chance. so you told yourself “ fuck it “ and went for it.

it was an impulsive decision, did it matter to you tho ? no. you nervously walked up to donghyuck with your hands in your pocket as he was putting his books in his locker. “ what do you want y/n “ , he said smirking “ “ hm i was thinking about if you want to go out with me on friday night ? “ you tilted your head towards him , “ i guess so “ he said smiling , “ see you then at eight , pick me up “ you said.

those were all members because now its your senior year and you finally had a boyfriend , couldnt you be more happy ? truthfully , you werent as happy as you planned. you were not over jaemin. you didnt think you ever would be. you tried to fall for hyuck , it was just hard. jaemin had been your one sided first love. but you still tried to love hyuck.

there was a party hyucks friend jaehyun was throwing. he had asked you to come as his date. you were beyond excited since parties with donghyuck had become a usual thing. he had helped you branch out of your shell and get out and experience things more. you were grateful.

you had decided to bring him coffee this morning to discuss him letting you stay at his place friday night after the party. as you were walking up to him , you noticed the change in his mood. why had he been acting strange lately ? for the last week , every time he looked at you , he seemed so uncomfortable as if he didnt want to be around you. you chose to ignore it and let it be. “ hey i brought you coffee like you like it “ , you said smiling “ thanks “ he said shortly , you chose to think he wasnt having a good day. after a few minutes of dry responses from him , you got fed up and left for class , you hoped this week didnt suck.

wrong. friday came along and you felt unusually odd. soonyoung had messaged you about her coming over to get ready for the party with you. as soon as you heard the doorbell ring , you ran towards it. “ soonyoung hi come in “ , “ you look so good “ you said “ no you please “ you both laughed and headed to your room to get ready. “ hey soonyoung , im starting to feel like donghyuck doesnt like me anymore “ you said pouting , “ really , ive seen the way he has acted lately. i hope its just a short phase “ she said patting your shoulder , “ yea me too “ you said slightly smiling. “ you look so hot woah come on lets go “ she said.

arriving at the party , you went straight to find hyuck. you had asked a couple of people where he could have been yet you hot no replies. you decided to wait it out and hopefully he would show up later. you went to grab a drink for yourself when all of a sudden you ran into someone “ oh- oh wait im so sorry “ you said , “ oh no its fine “ the male said and i soon as you looked at him you noticed it was jaemin , “ oh hi jaemin “ “ hi “ he said while chuckling , “ have you seen donghyuck “ “ have you seen somin “ you both said in unison. laughing you both shook your heads no. he looked so beautiful , you thought. you looked so pretty , jaemin thought.

“ well im going to go look for donghyuck “ you waves bye and headed towards the upstairs. you thought maybe he went to use the bathroom. again , wrong. as you walked farther up the stairs , you noticed heavy breathing. at first you were concerned so you made your way to the room you heard it from. as soon as you cracked the door open , you were met with a sight you didnt think you would ever have to see. somin and hyuck in a heavy make out session. “ what the literal fuck “ you steadily said loudly as you opened the door. “ yn i swear its not what you - “ hyuck tried to say but someone cut you off. “ what’s happening here ? “ a male said. as you turned around jaemin was right behind you. “ jaemin - are you sure “ he softly pushed you aside and witnessed the sight for himself. “ what the hell somin ?! i did nothing to you and you pull this shit. “ he said angrily , “ its not my fault you are inlove with the fucking bitch behind you. i needed someone who could love me not you “ she spat out. “ w-what “ you said. “ jaemin you l-love me ? “ you eyes widened. you heart swelled. you didnt know what to feel so you just run outside with him running after you. “ yn wait please ! “ he scream , “ you waited so long ? jaemin why didnt you tell me earlier ? “ you said out of breathe , “ because we never talked , okay i didnt think you liked me back and i still dont think you do “ he said , “ jaemin ive been inlove with you for as long as i can remember. “ you said tearing up and walking towards him , “ r-really ? “ , you nodded hugging him “ yes jaemin , i love you “ he smiled back at you and kissed your forehead , “ i love you too , now come on let me take you home before you get so cold “ he said “ your too perfect na jaemin , too perfect “ you both smiled. “ oh and jaemin , lily calla’s were always my favorite “ you said softly smiling , “ yea ive always known “ . many things were wrong in this world. you and jaemins mere love for each other was not one of them.

[willpowers]

I know its 2021 and I havent written for death note since 2007 but like, ive been up all night so here meronia fandom, no more lurking in the reblogs lol

Rated T for swearing and like, implied possibility of nsfw?

Drabble 1

With the soft click of his door, Near let out a soft sigh.

Kira was unmasked and defeated, he had won.

No.

They had won.

His hand instantly went to his neck, almost on instinct by now, and held the cheaply made beads and wooden red cross he hid under his shirt.

Near had never been religious, and he knew these beads were just symbolic, the first one he could buy at midnight on that night, when grief kept him up and walking through the unexplored city, needing something tangible. So he could deny.

Denial was normal.

This... Was normal.

He winced slightly as the cheap wood splintered a bit, poking his pale finger. He let go of the effigy and held his still clenched hand at his side.

What would he do now?

Logically, he knew. He was L.

“Nate River” died with the man named Lawliet. Died with the thunderous slamming of the orphanage door that a 14 year old boy should not have been able to make.

L.

“Near” was dead now too.

Died with that man. Light Yagami.

So L he was.

A predictable future for a perfect boy whose only flaw was not worshipping a strange adult who came to visit. His apathy, which before gave him freedom, was the final bar in this jail cell of a title.

Did he enjoy being a detective? Probably, in some way. The battle against Kira thrilled him.

No, it wasn’t the one against Kira that kept his attention.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the puppets. He let them all fall to the ground. One by one, their tiny rubber bodies bounced a bit. There was L, first dead. Near never cared for him much. Took him five minutes to throw together something of a resemblance.

There was Kira. Honestly he was thinking about the hamburgler for this one. Petty killer with petty burger thief. Fitting.

Then Misa... Mikami... The others. Names he couldnt wait to just file away in some police report and forget about.

Then himself.

The white puppet, which he didn’t put too much energy into, but still made look a bit like him. He was simple. Monochromatic and bored.

Then him. He picked up the blonde puppet carefully, remembering how it took all night to get it right. He painted every detail he remembered from their one meeting at the headquarters. From every hidden camera quick shot of the man who was as bright as he was loud.

He couldn’t bear to even think his name.

Near picked up the puppet of him, putting them in their usual spots on his index and middle fingers. He would enjoy the thought of being on Nears middle finger. He was vulgar enough to.

He stared at them, and stood up. They needed a better home. The puppets didn’t have to be thrown away, like the real counterparts. Near opened his best toy chest, one he put his favorite toys into, and laid the two puppets, side by side. He put the blonde puppet slightly higher than the white one. A little victory. One the real man couldn’t claim by his side.

Near closed the toy chest, then looked back around his room. His toys were scattered, dice piled high, and cards strewn about.

The sight disgusted him.

It looked so... Normal.

He kicked over the dice, letting the clatter as they fall echo through the silent room. Kneeling down, he picked up the finished puzzles and dumped them out, one after the other. Their perfect completion being ruined by the destruction, and wet by the falling tears the boy didn’t even know he was capable to make.

Near knelt in the middle of his mess and grit his teeth, letting more of those rare droplets fall, tainting all his toys.

Why did such a win feel like such a loss? Like it had no meaning? He always did what was told. Kept quiet, did well on tests, become a detective. Catch Kira. Save the day. Save the world.

But he didn’t care at all. He had only loved one thing in his life, and in the process of fulfilling his duty... Their duty... He lost him.

Taking in a shaky breath, Near picked up the toys and pieces of puzzle and dice and cards and put them in his bigger chest. He took his time. He usually had the others do this for him, but he hated the person who was reliant on everyone to do everything. That man fucked up. He was foolish. He could die along with the rest of the casualties.

At one point, he heard his door open. He mentally chastised himself for forgetting to lock it.

“I thought I requested the night alone.” He said sternly, trying to not let his emotions show.

However, he got no response, only footsteps closer.

Footsteps with a heavy walk that none of his associates used.

Footsteps that should be six feet under.

Hallucination wasn’t one of the stages of grief. And it wasn’t on his agenda. He bit his lip, not sure what to think about. He didnt want to turn around. If he was wrong about who it was...

So he put more toys away. Methodically putting away robot after robot.

Soon another hand joined him. Taking a stuffed sheep and tossing it on the bed.

Only one person would know that goes there.

He reached for another toy. But hesitated. His mind was racing, trying to put together the puzzle. Figure out what was real. What was a lie.

A charred, bandaged hand grabbed the toy and put it away.

“Are you going to ignore me forever, or just until your toys are away.”

Near’s breath hitched a bit, the voice was deeper, damaged, but unmistakable.

He finally looked behind him, eyes a bit wider than usual, but still doing his best not to show his emotions. He had to have some cards left in his hand, for whatever game this was.

He looked like shit.

His hair was uneven and singed, his scar had gotten deeper and he could tell from the bandages he got more scars in new places. If he was here, he had to have survived a gasoline based truck fire.

He had to have survived the Death Note.

The man smirked.

“Sorry to interrupt your pity party, but it just so happened a kidnapped girl under immense pressure couldn’t accurately write a slavic name.”

Near stood up, walking over and gently touching his scar. He felt the other recoil, but he couldn’t care less.

He pressed harder, and earned a wince. He felt the warmth, a bit of blood from the wound staining his pale white fingers.

Blood.

Fresh blood.

He was alive.

“Mihael.” He said, under his breath, only able to be heard by the man before him.

He stepped closer. He pressed a hand on his chest, felt his heartbeat. He closed his eyes and counted... Steady, not in danger. Warm, quickening?

Near closed his fist a bit, gripping the leather under his palm. His fingernails would leave marks. But he could mark him. He was here to mark.

“Mihael...” He said, slightly louder. A reminder to himself.

Mihael snorted. “What, did you just remember it?” He said, a bit of a flush on his pale face. He could flush. He was blushing.

Near gripped his collar roughly, pulling him down and pressing his still lips to the others. It was awkward and obviously full of inexperience.

He felt the other snort, and could imagine him rolling his eyes. Probably savoring that he was going to obviously beat him at this. Near could care less.

The blonde held his face and tilted it into a proper kiss.

Ah.

This was actually a lot better.

Near kept the contact, using the new angle to press further against him, closing his eyes now, like he figured he was supposed to do. He was out of his depth here. There was no swell of orchestra or butterflies in his digestive system... But it was enough.

He pulled back, looking at him proper now. They were still holding each other, Near by his face and Mihael by his collar.

“Youre not better than me. For kissing me first.” He said, an uncomfortable look on his beet red face.

“I never claimed to be.” Was his response. “About anything. That was you.”

Mihael glared. “Stop it. Stop saying that. Not... now.” He looked down. It seemed Near wasn’t the only one feeling a lost sense of something.

Near looked at him and pulled back, taking him by the hand and pulling him towards the bed.

“Prove youre better then. Unless you accept defeat..” He said, a coy grin creeping onto his face.

Mello went with him, smiling.

Nothing was solved, pieces weren’t clicked together in a perfect fit, the world didn’t suddenly make sense, and neither of them had a plan. However, they had a start.

And it looked promising.

[samwritesforyou]

We’re gonna be okay

Diego x reader

Summary: You and Diego worked out a system for a situation if he ever comes to your place while being in the highest form of distress and needs your help. He assured you it won’t happen often. Until one night, it finally did.

A/N: i feel like i’ve read the whole tumblr dot com worth of diego x reader fanfics and yet i still wanted more, so the desperate need to finally write something myself has been fulfilled. i would actually love to take requests, so if you want, dont hesitate to message/ask me! im ready to write fics and headcanons :) (my blog might seem new but ive been on tumblr for years and years and i finally dedicated a new blog to mostly reader inserts, either my own or reblogging others)

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack, gender neutral reader

Wordcount: 3,350

There was a knock on the door.

It was pretty late, but not too late for it to be Diego yet.

Or so you thought.

You got up kinda lazily from a comfortable chair you had situated in the corner of a room, at first designed mainly for reading or napping, but ending up doing absolutely whatever you could on the spot. Eating pizza, watching netflix, browsing through the internet after long working hours that you put in into your tiny art selling business.

You slightly opened the door and already plastered a semi-fake smile for a possible neighbor, but in front of you stood Diego.

Your dear friend, who was at the moment soaked from the rain outside, with big eyes, fast breathing and bloody hands.

Bloody hands?!

“Hello to you too, friend!” you said quite worried, quickly patting him down for signs of any physical pain. For the first time in a while he seemed fine, unscarred.

Your eyes finally went up, literally scanning his face but it was completely unreadable.

His eyes were wide and he looked as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.

You looked down again and took his fists into your hands. His own palms unclenched and you could see that they were heavily bloodied.

“Diego.. whose blood is it?”

No answer.

You rushed him inside and closed the door behind the two of you, facing the damn vigilante again.

“Diego, I need to know who’s blood is on your hands,” your voice grew steadier as you knitted your brows together in worry and confusion.

Only then the guy decided to move his arms and you noticed how shaky he is. He connected his two index fingers in the form of a cross, pressing it to his chest.

Your own eyes went wide now as you stumbled back a few steps and your mind went blank.

.

.

.

You instantly remembered a night that happened a few years back. He has come in crumbling through your window and was obviously in some new form of distress, that you couldn’t quite understand yet.

“Diego?” it seemed like your voice didn’t reach his ears, so you tried calling out his name again, getting up from the couch and patting him lightly on the body, to determine any sign of an injury.

It looked like there was none, so you tried to reach his gaze that was somewhat absentminded, all over the place, scanning everything but not meeting your eyes.

He was a tough guy, and you knew it. You knew that if you want to get answers, you need to either get them yourself or make yourself heard, until he cannot ignore you any longer.

“Diego Hargreeves, what is going on?” your voice was soft yet determined.

His dark orbs finally stopped on your face and he just shook his head, his breathing oddly fast for a man who was just simply standing.

You continued to push. You didn’t have the best day either, and to be interrupted at 1am by his visit was nothing new, but you couldn’t let him have this behaviour. Even though you’re friends, that didn’t automatically mean that he could do whatever he wanted.

Throughout the whole night he didn’t say a thing, but when you started adding volume to your voice, he.. he just broke down.

That night, you’ve witnessed Diego experience a panic attack. Caused by yourself.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, even after you eventually calmed him down and the only thing that was left to do for you was to watch him sleep and slowly rubbing circles on his exposed arm out of the blanket.

It felt like neons before you noticed a first ray of sunshine drawing from the half-closed curtains, making you spring to your feet and drag your ass to the kitchen, trying to think of what to do for breakfast.

When you figured the recipe out and finished cooking, Diego was already up and joined you near the kitchen counter, next to which you had two stools.

He settled on one of them, looking at you.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you couldn’t muster anything better, so you just put a plate in front of him and then sat next to his side, simply digging into your portion of scrambled eggs.

“About last night, y/n..” he drifted off, probably at first deciding that it’s better to fill his stomach a little bit.

In the meantime you didn’t dare to speak up and just waited for him to say something, anything.

When he finished his meal, he finally turned to you with a sigh.

“You know that one guy I told you ‘bout? That we.. we do some vigilante shit together from time to time?”

You just nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Well. I guess I could count him as a close friend. You know.. and,” this was followed by a slight pause and clearing of the throat.

“He died yesterday. I couldn’t save him.”

Your eyes immediately shot up to Diego and all that vulnerability and hurt that you’ve clearly seen yesterday just overtaking him were completely gone. Now present only a strong facade that he mastered whenever he needed to hide from showing emotions. You hated it.

“Shit, Diego..” you spoke quietly and softly, all the words seemed to have left you in all the things unsaid in your throat. But you tried to continue.

“I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry for pushing you over the edge. I.. I didn’t know what happened so I just acted how we would normally do,” he smirked at that, merely for a second, but you still caught it.

“Look, I.. I know, “ he simply said and then it felt as if he was weighting pros and cons of telling you something else that was clearly on his chest.

“You always help me out. Every single night I come to you.. Why do you do it, y/n?” Diego’s eyes were steadily turned your way.

At the sudden question you raised an eyebrow, “well, I.. I care about you.”

He lightly bit his lower lip and turned his gaze away, clearly thinking about something really hard.

“Okay,” he finally said, “y/n, do you think I could ask you for a favour then?”

At that your eyes met and you felt nervous, for some reason.

You really liked him. Not just like a friend. But you understood that there probably won’t be a chance for you two to ever become a couple (mostly considering that you didn’t believe that he could feel about you this way), so you settled for friendship anyways, since you two really got along well.

And having this handsome tough guy as a friend? Damn, just that is already some kind of luck swinging your way.

But your feelings of course meant that.. you’d do more for him than what you’d do just for a friend. You would get out of your comfort zone just to help him with injuries or hear him talk about his girlfriend (at the time, now they were broken up) and how they argued so much that he ended up on the streets and didn’t really want to go to his lonely place at the gym.

And you took him in. You always did. And since the day you became friends you always care for him.

And you’d care now once again.

“What is it?” in your tone danced a question, troubled with what he might ask for.

“Well, yesterday-“ he cut himself from finishing and cleared his throat, starting over.

“I imagine we’re gonna be friends for a long time, right?”

You just pushed your brows up with a small nod in affirmation.

“I never had.. anyone, really, to help me with the states I often got into,” you immediately thought of Eudora, wasn’t his ex-girlfriend supposed to be his support pillar? Or is he just making you feel sorry for him-

“Or I didn’t ever trust anyone that much, you know,” oh, okay, that kind of explains that then.

“And I guess.. I trust you enough? To share this?” he talked quietly and mumbled a lot so you realised soon you won’t be able to hear him at all.

You grabbed his hands with yours and caught his attention this way.

You were never really touchy together, but occasional hugs and even holding hands was kind of a standard for you from time to time.

His eyes met yours again and you cursed yourself for your heartbeat getting faster. This is not an appropriate moment to get butterflies in your stomach, dammit.

“I’m listening, Diego,” you confirmed, nodding again.

“Okay. It’s- it’s just really h-hard to talk about this,” he stuttered a bit, but with the next breath continued again, “When there’s some situation that’s just completely fucked up, like losing someone close to me, or- or somethin’ else, I don’t know.. I finish what I need at the scene where it happened but when I come home I just,” he breathed some air in and you felt his hands squeeze yours a bit tighter, “I just break down, you know? Sometimes it’s just all too much for me and I don’t know how to deal with it and I would just wanna.. someone to hold me, I guess? Otherwise when someone’s trying to talk at me or somethin’ I just get even more worked up and it’s even worse.”

It all started to come together in your mind. Even though it sounded really strange to hear Diego talk about things like.. wanting to be held and shit. But you always guessed there’s a far bigger sweetheart and a soft boy underneath all those harness and knives.

You tried to pick your words carefully.

“So when I started to ask you shit.. You just flipped. Basically because I was talking at you a lot and you couldn’t take it anymore, right?”

He sighed and looked somewhere up, nodding bit by bit.

“Yeah, yep. That was it.”

You clapped at his hands lightly, to bring his focus back again and he looked at you and mustered a sad, faint smile.

You did the same. In the world you lived in, unforeseen and unfortunate events were happening left and right and thinking about his childhood and everything.. no wonders he developed such a huge reaction and coping mechanism to something catastrophic happening.

“That’s okay, Diego. I’m here for you, I mean it. Let’s just talk about some things what I should and shouldn’t do when you come here in that state, alright? I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“Alright. Thank you, y/n,” he was looking down now, the whole morning kinda failing to meet your gaze and just rubbed his thumb across your hand, which send you heart into a race again.

You slowly let go of him, making an excuse to go wash the dishes.

After a while you looked behind you where he sat and said, “We also need some sort of a sign that you can easily show me, since you’re not really talkative when you get like this.”

Apparently he already used said “sign” somewhere, because he had it on the ready.

It was his hands clutching in fists, index fingers crossing each other in a form of a cross, pressed to his chest.

“Something like this. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’ll happen often. That would be really sad,” he laughed a little and then looked at you somewhat longingly and you averted your eyes back to the sink, nodding.

.

.

You almost forgot about that and now it all come flooding back.

Something terrible must’ve happened. You were panicking, but you had to stay strong, for him.

He was still standing in your hallway, with a crossed index fingers pressed to his chest.

“Okay, okay..” you mumbled more to yourself than to him, taking his hands into yours and looking him up and down.

He really seemed.. disconnected. It was kind of scary and you tried so hard not to think about what happened. Or about who died.

“Here, come with me, Diego,” you led him by the hand towards your couch as he was holding onto you, but his usual grip was gone.

You both ended up on a sofa and you really didn’t know how to act around him now, because.. he didn’t talk, didn’t look at you but when he did, his eyes were wide and big and he just seemed suddenly like a small boy to you.

Hopefully he won’t remember this tomorrow, you thought and tried to smile a little bit at him.

“Okay. Can you get your hands up for me, baby boy?” You’ve decided to approach this situation as if you were just babysitting an overgrown child.

Because nothing bad happens to children normally, right? And if you kept thinking about him as usual grown man Diego, you’d lose your mind in the process, wanting to scream and shake him by the shoulders until he spills you what happened.

Being Diego’s friend pushed you to new limits each day, truly.

He didn’t bat an eyelid at your tone change and word choosing, just obliging and putting his hands up.

You helped him to get his knives down and put his black turtleneck over his head, so now he sat shirtless right next to you, hands still smeared with blood.

Goddamit the blood!

You took him by the elbows and lead Diego to the bathroom, where you helped to get the red out of his hands. At the sight of blood dripping down into the sink you deciphered a whimper from him, even through the sound of running water and looked up.

Diego couldn’t stop looking down at his hands and tears were running down his cheeks.

You quickly took his face into your wet hands from the water and forced him to look away and lock his gaze with yours.

“Hey, don’t look at it, okay? It’ll only make you stressed. Until I’m done you can just close you eyes, okay?”

“Oh-okay,” he said and just closed his eyes here and there.

You sighed and tried to finish washing his hands as fast as possible, cursing under your breath pretty often.

“I’m sorry..” you heard him mumble and when you looked up, his eyes were still shut.

“Nothin’ to be sorry about.. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right? Don’t worry. You’re safe now,” you smiled as you were already wrapping his hands in a towel and his eyelashes fluttered, eyes opening.

You stayed looking at each other for a second longer than necessary, but then you already lead him away to the bedroom area, where you actually tucked him in, wrapping in a soft blanket and then rushed to the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies and then leaving it on a plate next to him on the night table. 

 You almost made yourself comfortable on the couch, when he suddenly called out your name from the bed.

You sprung to your feet, thinking he’s actually hurt but you didn’t notice or that- “Can you... stay with me? P-please?” he asked, disrupting your train of thought. You did expect this, but still felt really shy about that.

Diego is vulnerable right now and does need your help and presence though.

And there wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t do for him.

“Sure,” and after this simple answer you carefully climbed in next to him covering you both with a blanket and he curled up closer to you, almost immediately falling asleep.

From one point of view it felt like you wouldn’t sleep at all tonight, but from the other one.. you actually fell asleep just as fast as he did.

.

.

To nobody’s surprise you woke up first and actually flinched at the sight of sleeping Diego inches from your own face.

Your mind went running with ideas what happened and what’s going on until you realised the real deal and your brain caught up to yesterday’s shenanigans.

It was a wild ride and you were thankful that now it’s - most probably - over.

Your eyes were subconsciously scanning his face, until you realised what you’re doing, but you didn’t stop even then.

You’ve never been this close to his face yet and now you could admire and explore every part of it.

Having feelings for a friend that’s laying in the same bed with you at the moment is really not the healthiest thing that could’ve happened to you, huh..

You actually froze and your heart started racing billion times faster when you realised that you have a weight of his arm around your waist, pulling you closer from his sleep.

He grunted and his nose was now in your hair, shuffling a little to get more comfortable.

You had no idea how to change positions, especially when being held by such a strong arm as his and you got a feeling like Diego might actually wake up just about now, so the best solution that came into your mind was to forcefully close your eyes shut and pretend that you’re still sleeping.

He did, indeed, wake up. You were suddenly pushed to the other side of the bed, arm disappearing from your waist and a waterfall of curses fell from his lips quietly.

You used up all your acting stamina to make a believable scene of you gaining your conscious from the deep slumber that you were obviously in, stretched your arms for a good effect and finally opened your eyes.

You immediately signed up for a staring contest as soon as you looked at him and smiled a little. His face remained unreadable but perhaps a little bit flustered?.. But you may be reading too much into it.

“Hi,” you said with a higher tone than intended and Diego just nodded at that.

You tried your luck by addressing the elephant in the room right away, you never liked ignoring the problems that were always looming over you, “care to tell me what happened yesterday?”

He drew a big sigh and rested his head back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. At first because you really wanted to know the mystery, but the longer you looked at him, the more you realised that you’re just admiring the beauty that he holds, until his words fell like a dead weight right onto your shoulders.

“I found Eudora’s body yesterday. I couldn’t get to the place in time and someone killed her.”

What?

It felt like what he said was simply a trick of your imagination. You liked Eudora yourself, she was a very intelligent and an interesting person, you two often hung out and that feeling didn’t cease even after you found out that she and Diego started dating.

And even when they broke up some months after, you still found your way to spend time with her. So did Diego.

You wanted to cry, but thought that it might be insensitive towards him, because he was much closer to her than you were, so you tried to swallow your forming tears down.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Diego..”

“It’s your loss too, I know it, y/n,” he looked at you with much softer look this time.

“Come here,” he said a little bit hesitantly and opened up one arm towards you.

This was unusual, but maybe last night’s events tore down some walls?.. Who knows.

You almost threw yourself into his embrace and once your forehead rested on his chest, you started crying.

From everything, honestly. There’s been problems at work, your seemingly unrequited feelings for Diego didn’t help much either and now you learned that you lost one of your friends.

He started rubbing circles on your back, just letting you get those emotions out, while you two were hugging each other on the bed in your apartment.

And as you slowly started to calm down, he said a gentle, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay”

[du0tine]

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

[terrifictomholland]

Ive watched too much 13 going on 30 lately, that’s all I can blame this on!

“Let’s play seven minutes in heaven!”

Those were words you dreaded to hear. Not only did you dread those words, they terrified you. What if they could see through you with like, x-ray vision and be able to tell you’d never kissed anyone before?

Of course no one knew that, nor could they see that. But to you if felt as though you had a massive bullseye painted on your back. You hated it.

It made you feel singled out. Not only was this your first ever party you’d ever been to, now you were all playing seven minutes in heaven?

Your anxiety was through the roof.

You made eye contact with your best friend, Harrison, praying he could see your panic. He knew about your kissing history, or lack-thereof.

He noticed you freaking out and wormed his way close to you rubbing your arm comfortingly.

“It’ll be okay,” he assured and you so badly wanted to believe him.

“Everyone’s gonna know H, absolutely everyone.” You whimpered and he looked at you sympathetically.

“They won’t. Hey, you’re not the only one who’s never kissed anyone, I promise.” He whispered and your eyes shot up to look at him, then to everyone else in the circle trying to figure out who.

“Are you taking the piss out of me to make me feel better? Don’t insult me like that.” Your voice grew slightly and Harrison’s eyes widened and he shook his head quickly.

“No! I’d never do that to you!” He was quick to reassure and the sincerity in his blue orbs made you believe him.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered as hot shame rolled through you.

You could feel him press a kiss to your temple, accepting your apology wordlessly.

“Just, trust me on this yeah? Can you do that?” He asked in that hopeful voice that he knew you could never say no to.

“Yeah, okay,” you conceded.

“Yeah okay, excellent!” He rubbed his hands together smiling, you shook your head watching him.

You joined him there in the circle as people were paired off together, whooping and catcalls being made as soon as they left and would come back blushing furiously seven minutes later.

You felt yourself go crimson when Harrison’s name was called and along with the girl you knew he fancied, but Harrison? He was just smirking and he offered her his hand and off they went.

With him gone, you took the time to survey which ones were left beside yourself.

A few boys and girls, some looking more nervous than others but then your gaze fell on him.

Your breath caught in your throat seeing him. He was the prettiest boy you’d ever seen before. Dark wavy hair, slightly messy and the kindest, warmest brown eyes you’d ever seen before. He looked about as out of his depth as you felt which reassured and calmed you just a bit. Suddenly, you wanted it to be your turn, you wanted it to be your turn with him.

Which was silly to even entertain the idea because you’d never seen him until now, you didn’t even know his name for Christ sakes.

He must’ve felt you looking at him because he looked over at you making you quickly avert your gaze as your cheeks heated up.

The next time you dared a glance at him he was the one to quickly look away making you flush and hide a massive cheesy smile. Oh, you really wanted to spend those seven minutes with him now. You didn’t care of desperate it would make you seem.

“Hey,” Haz grinned, his lips swollen beyond belief and cheeks flushed and eyes shining. You narrowed your eyes seeing the beginning of a hickey on his neck.

“Have a good time?” You asked and he grinned throwing a wink your way.

“I did thank you,” he said smugly and you felt your stomach twist and turn seeing how happy and relaxed he looked. You wanted the same and it dawned on you that what you were feeling was jealousy.

“I volunteer Y/N and Tom!” You whipped your head toward Harrison, seeing the cute boy do the same with wife and horrified eyes.

“What?” You squawked slapping your best friend in the arm. He just looked at you far too knowingly making you nearly swallow your tongue.

“What the fuck Haz?” The cute boy, Tom, asked Harrison.

“You’ll thank me,” he smirked at the both of you. Everyone had heard Harrison call Tom and you out so you had no choice but to get up and walk over to the closet with Tom, following behind him.

You closed the door with a gentle click and you felt your nerves come back in full swing knowing that you were truly alone with the cutest boy you’d ever seen.

“I uh, my names Tom.” He introduced holding his hand out and you took it, the moment your hands touched you swore you could feel a spark fly. Your eyes drifted up to his seeing his eyes widen so you knew he felt it too.

“I’m uh- I’m Y/N,” you said shyly retracting your hand.

“Y/n,” you heard him test out and your belly filled with warmth hearing him say your name.

“I uhm..I-I’ve never done this before. We don’t have to do this y’know? I don’t want you to feel you have too just because of a silly game?” Tom was rambling, scratching the back of his neck and turning beet red. You were sure he thought he was embarrassing himself, but you?

You were impossibly endeared and he was making you feel all that more relaxed knowing he was just as nervous as you and that this was going to be his first kiss too.

“Tom,” you started and he immediately looked up at you, “I..ive never done this either. B-but maybe, we, uh, could do this together?” You trailed off feeling far too exposed and nervous for what his response would be.

The smile that lit up on his face was enough to have your heart skip a few beats and you felt yourself flushing all the way to your toes. He had a magnificent smile.

“I’d love too!” He said enthusiastically and he flushed before realising how eager he truly sounded like, “if you want?” He tacked on at the end watching you nervously.

“Me too:” you admitted with a shy smile, slowly walking over to him. He was holding his breath as you walked closer and only exhaled when the tips of your toes touched his bare feet.

You’d never been this close to a boy beside, apart from Harrison but you didn’t really find him cute.

You were so sure that Tom could hear the way our heart was jackhammering against your ribcage, tummy filled to the brim with nervous butterflies and your palms clammy and sweaty.

“A-are you okay?” He asked once he placed his hands on your waist, eyes searching yours and you bit your lip giving him a gentle smile, nodding encouragingly.

“Where do I put my hands?” You whispered feeling silly to even ask but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he took your hands and placed them over his shoulders.

“Does that feel okay?” You whispered looking up at him. You licked your lips wetting them as Tom gently stroked your cheeks and your eyes closed.

“More than,” you breathed and he let out a breath he was holding. His shoulders dropping in relief and you let out a tiny nervous giggle.

“Can I, uhm, can I?” He stumbled over his words and you just nodded, no words were needed.

It didn’t take long for you to feel soft and supple lips on yours. On instinct, your eyes closed and your grip on his shoulders tightened just trying to figure out what to do.

It was the best experience you’d had, but also a rather strange one. Kissing wasn’t what you’d conjured you in your mind, but you knew with practise it would be.

He pulled away too quickly for your liking watching you with hawk-eyes for your reaction.

“H-how was that?”

“I’d love to practise some more,” you giggled shyly and he did the same feeling as though a weight on his shoulders had lifted now.

“I think we can make that happen.”

Tagging - @blissfulparker @farfromhaz @farfromparker @mcuspidey @clara-licht @howdyho-holland @screamholland @parkeraul @peterparkoure @xoluvx @angelic-holland @naturallytom @thirsttrapholland @eeyore101247 @heyhihellowhatsup0

[mousehole5000]

 this is it... the final post.... 226 through THE END!!!!!

this shit with mu qing and the river of lava is SOOOO dramatic im loving it

oh my god theyre on a FUCKING bridge of course they are okay let’s go boys

“You’re right. We’re alike. You think me odd, I think you to be rather weird too.” - so what im getting from this is that xie lian and mu qing are the only characters in this book with working gaydar okay yup got it this checks out

god... the fact that xie lian is ready to be like “look mu qing we can just forget about the past it doesnt matter we dont have to be friends i know you dont like me but im not gonna let you die over it” and then mu qing is like “.... god i really do admire you huh”

“You...certainly...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person...than me. Long story short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.”  - going to think about this for the rest of all time im about to become utterly unintelligible im overcome with emotions

“And, at the end of the white silk band, Feng Xin was gripping Ruoye with one hand while the other was holding on to a steel-faced Mu Qing, and he shouted towards him.” - the fucking IMAGE of this im gonna cry this is everything i could have asked for im so happy also mu qing dangling there like “ welp. guess ill live“

“Feng Xin was almost burnt by that pillar of fire, and he shouted in outrage. “WHAT’S WITH THIS BAND OF DOG SHITS, ATTACKING PEOPLE WHILE THEY’RE DOWN, SO VILE! FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!” Xie Lian responded, “IF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILIES ALL LOOK LIKE THAT, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THEM??” - theyre so funny!!! and theyre best friends!!! theyre joking together now in the middle of all this i could cry theyre back!!!

“Using sticks as arrows, he held the bow with one hand and used his teeth to bite back the bowstring.” - no clue how practical this is but okay archer boy. hot

i actually have so many little quips between the three of them highlighted but we’d be here all night if i included them all. im literally so delighted by this omg worth the wait

“Each sabre strike slashed to the bone. It wasn’t like Xie Lian had never seen Hua Cheng use the sabre before in the past, but his style had always been easy and leisurely, nonchalant and casual. Rather than say he was handling a weapon, it was more like he was toying with a small knife. Yet those blade marks were filled with killing intent. It was easy to imagine just how skilled the one exchanging blows with him was, and how perilous this battle.” you have no idea how mad i was when i read this and thought we missed witnessing the fight between hc and jw omg

“Behind him, Feng Xin muttered, “Dear fucking god, may all the gods and buddhas grant their blessings, that better absolutely be Crimson Rain Sought Flower, otherwise he’s gonna go mad!” “Stop your rubbish,” Mu Qing berated. “We’re all the gods and buddhas ourselves and we can’t grant shit, just keep up with him! Look at the stumbling way he’s running, he’s gonna trip and fall to his bloody death before he even sees the man!” - okay i know i said no more quips but this is literally too funny i just wanted to read it again

“ However, for whatever reason, that vicious ghost, in its muddled state, took that large group of live mortals under its wing and fled for many days. In the end, they were still surrounded by millions of ghosts, trapped in a dead end, and it was going to be eaten along with those humans.” [...] “That vicious ghost almost made a move against those humans, but for some reason, in the end, it didn’t. It instead used one of its own eyes as the price to forge a blood weapon. That vicious ghost was already forcibly hanging on with its last breath; after digging out its eye it should’ve broken apart completely. Yet somehow something had shocked it, and it instead woke to its senses completely. “ - THIS IS AMAZING ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IS THIS ALL WE GET ABOUT HIS GHOSTLY LORE?????? HUA CHENGGGGGGGG

“What a terrible offence, his old habit had come out, and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to listen to me!” Hua Cheng, however, only smiled happily. “Everything gege tells me is the best advice, so why wouldn’t I listen?” - this isnt the fucking time afjdkfjsdkl they really never stop

“So you can hold the illusion of a perfect Crown Prince of Wuyong to face and dismiss the Jun Wu now. Isn’t that your objective? Did you think I don’t know what you’re thinking?” “THAT’S NOT IT!” Guoshi cried. “Stop getting tied up in right and wrong, victories and defeat, I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY BEFORE!” - jun wu only being able to see xie lian as his successor and believing that thats all anyone else sees too... okay

honestly this whole final showdown was a blast i cant put everything in but it was so much fun to read. the DRAMA the LAVA the SHOUTING t

“Hua Cheng had poured too much spiritual power into him. There really was too much, so much that it was completely outside the amount the cursed shackle could withstand.” - okay.... okay... the love you give will set you free... okay....

“With Jun Wu in his grip, he carried both their bodies and forcefully slammed into the incomparably-solid rock wall! He used all of his power in this smash, and in the rumbling and crashing of rocks, he also heard the sound of something breaking.” [...] “A moment later, Jun Wu suddenly asked, “That move. What is it called?” “...” Xie Lian raised his sleeve and wiped away the blood on the side of his face. “Shattering boulders on the chest.” YES!!!!! YES!!!!! xie lian actually lived that life!!!!!! i loved this detail so much

“After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.” - xie lian... good... another detail i love. a hat that protects from the rain, given in a moment of need, even to someone who has caused you hardship... we do not forget the kindness granted to us

“There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.” - :pleading: i wish it was just that easy tbh. “i have to tell you about the worst parts of myself” “ive already seen them and i dont care i still love you“ truly the dream

“ It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t...actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already! I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!” - the bit about just wanting someone to listen to him talk... xie lian... :(

emily corpse bride moment.... i knew it had to happen.... butterflies.... death and rebirth.... inevitable

xianle trio bickering about ruoye..... mu qing complaining but not letting anyone else fix it... im so happy

“The Rain Master sat down on the spot, looking like she was going to perform a passing service for her. After all, Xuan Ji was the only one left of the Kingdom of Yushi besides herself.”  - xuan ji you sure the hell were... a character. this little moment tho..... yushi huang... many thoughts

“ Who hasn’t made promises, or swore to the mountains and the seas when they were young? Talking of affection, of love, of forevers. But, the longer I hang around in the world, the more I understand, something like ‘forever’ is impossible. It’s never going to be possible. Having it once was already good enough. No one can truly achieve it. I don’t believe in it anymore.” - jian lan im happy for you bummer it didnt work out with feng xin but yeah that was looooong ago. also this quote me same mood kin but its chill. having it once was already good enough

although yeah tbh if theres anyone who can have a forever like that... it would be a ghost and a god

fasdfjadklfj GOD... pour one out for ling wen.. but is that not the truth of this world? the one can be pardoned for being good at paperwork that no one else wants to do? isnt that the plot of the shawshank redemption?

okay but the fact that all xie lian’s friends come to visit him while he waits for hua cheng is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.... fengqing coming together to try to get him out of the house but get scared off by his cooking... amazing

“Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other. This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.” - im completely unaffected by this. im not lying i swear (i am lying im very emotionally affected)

okay i love this final wrap up chapter party its so fun. mu qing moving on from the broom thing!!! good for him!! the beggars get their reward!!! the fun ghost city chefs!! SQX!!!! and he xuan is?? here too??? he’s hungry??? fjadlkfjsdl

“The grounds that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had just swept were once again filthy from that giant crowd of muddy feet. Mu Qing gripped his broom, looking like he felt someone had infected him with fleas, and his eyes were wide.” - me when my dad comes into the kitchen when ive just finished washing dishes i get it king

the little folklore bit... fun!!! oh my god its over..... :(

that was really fun i had a blast reading it and on the whole really liked it i WISH soo badly that hua cheng had gotten more outside of being cunty and devoted even tho those are both important i just wish there was more about like how he got by during those 800 years and like did he ever have doubts? what shaped his worldview was it all xie lian or was it his experience as a mortal as well? why is he so mean to e’ming? theres bits and pieces here and there and i know it was already SO long but that really would have been great if there was more about hc cuz tbh by the end, at least for me, the hualian relationship didnt actually feel as fleshed out as the xianle trio relationship like i still liked hualian’s dynamic and it was really sweet how much they clearly really liked each other and  everything but i kind of wish some of the other subplots had been dropped or diminished in favor of more hc development i think that would have been cool

but anyway thats some of my thoughts and i really did enjoy the hell out of book 5 that was a riot and uhhh thanks to everyone who read these or commented *lends you spiritual energy through a high five*

[anythingandeverything1d]

I Won’t Give Up

*Second part to Thank You, Next*

----

“I love you too.” 

Waiting for Harry to respond felt like an eternity, but was probably more like 30 seconds. His lips pressed to yours, sending shivers down your spine. Oh how I’ve missed this...What started out as a gentle kiss quickly turned to one of possession. Harry kissed you like he was making a point, the kind of kiss that leaves you breathless and wanting more. His lips moved from your lips to your neck and down to your shoulder and then back up to your ear. God help me you thought as you let out a soft groan. He gently bit down on the soft skin before moving his way back to your lips with a wicked smile. He went to pull your shirt up when Clifford started barking at the door. He looked up slightly alarmed. You whined in response, “Har-” but he set you down gently on your feet, lightly touching and smirking at the dark red spot in the upper corner of your neck and walking to the door. You groaned in response, crossing your arms and sitting back on the couch waiting for his return. “Fine I’ll just be here waiting...” you mumbled picking up your phone and texting Lexi that you were indeed alive and breathing. Harry was taking forever so you wandered over to the door where you found Harry in a deep conversation with Louis. “Lou!” He turned with a smirk looking at you.

“Ah finally manned up did ya now Harry.” He opened his arms and you wandered into his hug. “Ive missed you love. Are you sure you want to be stuck with this one here.”

You laughed and lightly punched his arm. “I think I’m sure.”

“You think?” Harry mocked. “I think your lips were pretty confident.”

“Harry!” you groaned, your cheeks turning a bright pink color as Louis clapped Harry on the back. Changing the subject you looked at Louis. “What are you doing here?”

“Just picking up Clifford before heading back to El’s and talking about how Harry should help me egg Liam’s place for opening his fucking mouth about us working on an anniversary project. I mean don't get me wrong the response was great but we want it to be a surprise, ya know? And if things don't happen the way we want I don't want people getting their hopes up. I would've bet Harry was the one to spill the news but it seems he's been a little preoccupied thanks to you.” You smiled and shook your head at Louis. 

“Alright well thanks for stopping by Louis but we have to get back to our very important conversation.” Harry who had been starring at you the whole time answered.

“Conversation..right. Do all your conversations leave love marks Harry?” Your face flushed red again and Harry laughed his face turning red while he opened the front door.

“It was great seeing you Louis.” 

“You too love. Keep our boy in check will ya?” Louis called out walking through the door to where Clifford was waiting. You nodded laughing.

“I’ll do my best.” Harry closed the door and pushed you lightly against it. “Oh so now you want to continue huh.” you lightly teased, tracing his jaw with your fingers.

“I never wanted to stop but I forgot he was coming..can’t blame me though I mean I was very distracted.” He kissed you, his hands against the door and at the sides of your head. You kissed him back softly, tugging on his bottom lip. You loved the effect you had on Harry. His weight was shifting from one foot to the other and the bulge in his pants was growing, he groaned into the kiss and smiled taking a step back for a minute. “You’re a dangerous one.” he laughed while catching his breath. You smiled and hugged him tightly, grateful to have your curly haired angel back. Your phone started ringing and Harry rolled his eyes, causing you to gently smack his arm and go answer it.

“Hey Lex, what’s up? Oh hey Ash...yeah I’m still with Harry, no I’m okay..” Harry came over with an annoyed look on his face. “Uhh I guess you can come get me. Yeah I’m at his house right now. Okay see you soon.” Harry’s eyes had clouded with anger and his mouth was dropped open.

“You’re leaving?”

“Well yeah I need to go home tonight, l...” “Seriously? After everything you're just going to leave.” You sighed and walked over to him, pulling him into your arms and hugging him tightly. 

“Harry. Nothing about me leaving changes what I said...I do love you. I just think that maybe we should, I don’t know...slow down a little. I don’t think I can just jump back to where we were a few months ago..”

Harry didn’t say anything he just sighed and put his head on yours. “You don’t trust me.” Here we go...

“No-no Harry its not that...it’s just that I want to be sure I’m fully ready for all of this again. I want us to work back up to where we were...”

“Whatever..” he said stepping out of the hug and walking to the couch, where he sat sulking. “Just go with that asshole. I don't even care.”

You were getting annoyed now. He was acting like a child and he wasn’t even trying to understand.. “Ashton is not an asshole Harry.”

“I could’ve driven you home. You could've spent the night. You-”

You stopped him there. “He was already driving past here Harry. If I thought it would be that big of a deal I would’ve asked you.” You crossed your arms and looked at him as Ash honked from the driveway. Harry was looking at the tv, pointedly ignoring you. “So this is it? No goodbye?” He didn’t even look up. You rolled your eyes and walked to the door. “Bye Harry.” 

You made it to the door where Ash was waiting holding open the door. “How ya holding up cutie?”

You rolled your eyes and mumbled fine about to get in when Harry yelled your name from the porch. He sprinted over, grabbed your waist and kissed you hard on the lips making your knees go weak. He ended it with a slow soft kiss on your forehead and a pointed glare at Ash. “Make sure my girl gets home safe.” You rolled your eyes again. Why do men have to be so aggressive. Harry caught your eye roll and sighed whispering in your ear, “We can take things slow. I love you and will talk to you in the morning.” Thats better, you smiled and kissed his cheek before climbing in the back seat. Ash and Lexi looked concerned and irritated but you didn’t care. They didn’t understand...

A few minutes into the drive, Lexi turned around and grabbed your phone from your hands. “Are you going to clue us in or?” You lifted your shoulders. She continued on, “(y/n)...you can’t possibly let him back into your life. I mean he- he’s an absolute ass.” You just stared at her.

“You don't understand-”

“No I don’t. I don't understand why anyone would go back to someone who nearly destroyed them. I mean you were a mess. You barely made it back to functioning like a normal human. He’s nothing special either. He flaunted women around. He’s borderline abusive-”

“Stop. Seriously Lexi, that's enough. I think I can make my own decisions. I don't need anyone else’s opinion either.” Luckily they had pulled into your driveway so you hopped out, not saying goodbye and ran into the house, tears running down your cheek. 

You and Lexi rarely got into fights so when you did, it hurt. You threw your phone on the couch and jumped in the shower, hoping to calm down and think about everything. Of course it didn’t work that well. You fell into bed mentally exhausted from the whole evening and decided you just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it. You tossed and turned trying to drift off but nothing was working. You were frustrated at your argument with Lexi and confused by Harry’s reactions to everything. You didn’t know who to trust or listen too. Your heart wanted Harry but your brain wanted to listen to Lexi. “Ughhhh” you groaned pulling a pillow over your face and screaming. Eventually you drifted off into a restless sleep, rolling around and fighting off dreams. 

“Harry!” you screamed following him through the door. “You can’t just do that- you can’t just leave things this way.” Harry turned and stopped you.

“I hate you. Can’t you see that...I don't want you. I never did. You were just a, a game. Now the game is over and its time for you to move on.” You were sobbing trying to grab a hold of him, trying to make sure he wouldn’t let you go. “I don’t love you (y/n)..I never will.” Your heart stops and you drop to the floor but when you look up Harry has been replaced by Lexi. “You’re a fucking idiot (y/n) and you-”

Your eyes open and you sit up catching your breath between the sobs. You instantly reach over, grab your phone and pull up your contacts. The last few months you dialed Lexi’s number when the dreams happened. She would come over and rock you back to sleep, comforting you that Harry was just an asshole. But now...the two of you were fighting so you picked the other number on speed dial. Please answer...please answer....

“(y/n)?” his tired voice deeply whispered.

“Harry...” you cried into the phone hiccuping between words. “I-I”

“Shh its okay...youre okay...” he calmed, clearing more awake than before. “Im coming over just hang in there okay?” he hung up and you held onto the pillow trying to calm yourself. It seemed like hours before Harry reached you. You had run downstairs, opened the door and flung yourself into his arms. He carefully picked you up, carried you back to bed and snuggled under the covers. You rested your head on his chest as he softly hummed a song and rubbed his hand firmly across your back. After a few minutes of listening to him humming you calmed down and took in the scene you failed to appreciate in the beginning. Your head was laying against Harry’s shirtless torso. You trailed your fingers along his butterfly tattoo, listened to his heartbeat, and breathed in his smell, which by the way was the most amazing smell you could possibly think of smelling. Harry noticed you had calmed down so he shifted so that he could look you in the eye. “Wanna talk about it babe?”

You sniffed and turned so you were laying on him, your arms around his neck and fingers playing with his hair. “I-I had a dream that you said you hated me and didn’t want me and-and”

“Shhh...(y/n)...I love you. I want you more than I can breathe. I’m sorry for hurting you in the past but it won’t happen again..I’m not letting go of you ever again babe. I swear.” 

“And-and Lexi. She hated me too. She-she”

“Babe. Lexi loves you too. You guys could never hate each other.”

“We were fighting though-” “She will get over it...I promise.” You nodded and held on tighter to him. 

“Please don't go...”

“Im not going anywhere...but you need sleep okay?” He burrowed down under the comforter more and pulled you with him, he ran his fingers through your hair until you fell into one of the deepest sleeps you had in months.

You woke up with Harry’s weight half on you and the sun streaming in from the curtains. You observed him carefully. His hair had fallen into his eyes and his mouth was slightly open. He looked like a literal angel. An angel who was crushing you... You tried moving out from under him but he grabbed you and pulled you closer, your face pressed into his chest. You sighed and ran your fingers along his arms. “Harry....” you whispered. “Harry you're squishing me and I need to pee....”

“Shhh” he mumbled with a smile. “I’m sleeping.”

You laughed and sat up. “You dork.” His eyes slowly opened and starred at you. 

“What are you going to do about it?” he mumbled, slowly taunting you, his dimples showing and voice deep.

You grinned and pressed a gentle kiss against his lips before crawling out of bed and heading into the bathroom. “(y/n) I’m so sorry!” Lexi’s voice yelled from the stairs. “I-” Her voice cut off as she stared at Harry in your bed and you in nothing but a t-shirt by the bathroom. 

“Morning Lexi” Harry mumbled getting out of bed. “I’ll give you two a minute...” he said walking over and kissing your forehead before heading downstairs.

“You’re not leaving are you?” you asked concerned.  “No of course not. I’m not going anywhere. Well I’ll be downstairs making breakfast but that it.” you nodded at him with a smile and he left, leaving you and Lexi alone.

You ran over to her and hugged her tightly. “Im so sorry Lex. I never meant to snap at you....I was just confused and tired and not in the mood to deal with it all. I can't loose you....youre my best friend. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. And I’m the sorry one...I never meant to judge you and Harry’s relationship. And I never let you explain what happened. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. I overreacted. I just wanted you to be happy and if that idiot boy makes you happy then I will learn to accept that.” You held tightly onto her and nodded.  “He makes me so happy. And I know you don't trust him...but I do. I don't know how I know but I do. Im in love with him Lexi and I don't think that will ever change.”

“I know.” She let go and smiled. “Can we never fight again? I hated it..” “Never again.” You agreed, pinky promising her as you always have. You both ran downstairs to the smell of food and found Harry with an apron tied around his waist and pancakes on the stove. You ran over and kissed his cheek while holding onto his waist. “Wow Haz, that apron has never looked better,” you giggled.

He stepped back and posed. “I know. I look fabulous.” He laughed. “I assume you two worked it out?” 

“Yep, just like you said.” You kissed him quickly on the lips and turned around to Lexi smiling. 

“I may not like you Styles. But you make (y/n) happy so I guess I can try to like you a little more.”

Harry smiled and nodded, “I promise I won't hurt her again, and if I do...you can personally come after me.”

“Trust me. I will kill you and cut off your dick if you break her heart again.” Harry’s mouth dropped and you laughed. At that moment Ashton walked in with a big smile.

“Did I hear we are cutting off Harry’s dick?”

“Only if he hurts (y/n) again.” Ashton laughed and put an arm around Lexi.

“So I assume all is normal in the world again. We are all friends?”

Harry walked forward with his hand out. “Im sorry for reacting the way I did last night Ashton. It won't happen again.”

“I don't blame you Harry. I respect you going all out for the girl you love. Just don’t let it happen again.” You hugged Ash in response with a smile. Everything had worked out. “You know what this means though?”

“What?” you asked looking unsure.

“Gotta make the official back together post.”

“Ugh do I though...” “Oh yeah. And I have to be in it this time babe.” Harry said walking over, his arms around your shoulder. 

“But what will it say this time? We already quoted a song.” 

“Give me the phone cutie” Ash said mischievously taking the phone from your hand and typing up the caption. Lexi nodded in approval and smiled.

You looked and smiled too, showing Harry who nodded in approval and kissed your cheek with a smile. “I won't give up on us, even when the skies get rough.”

You breathed out.  “Now just to recreate the photo.” Ash, Lexi, you and Harry all cuddled in your bed for the first picture. Your head on Harry’s chest, Ash and Lexi cuddled close and all of you laughing at each other. It was perfect. Lexi also took one of you and Harry kissing with the blankets falling around your shoulders. You hit send with the caption and tossed the phone to the side jumping onto Harry’s back and looking at Lexi and Ashton with a grin. How much better could life get?

----

Hope you all enjoy Part 2! Let me know if you have imagine requests and thanks for all the love on part 1! xoxo

[julemmaes]

Could you do "does this help" for thomastair please? Your writtings amazing, if not thats totally cool!

You can go home now

Thomas Lightwood and Alastair Carstairs war au

“Does this help?”

This is actually the second part of something I wrote back in July, here is the first part, it is not necessary to read the first part and I’m sorry if this is sad as fuck, with a not so nice ending, but I hope you enojy it:)

Word count: 1,537

When Thomas woke up, he didn't immediately realize where he was. He heard the screams of his comrades, of the soldiers surrounding him. They were not just cries of pain, they were cries of despair. Screams of people who knew they had nothing left. That they had lost every shred of humanity they had when they were born.

They had captured him. It had to be that way.

He tried to open his eyes, unsuccessfully, and panic almost entirely assailed him when he heard someone put his hand on his arm. He opened his mouth to scream, but found he could not make a sound. His throat closed again, blocking his breath, but the person next to him put something on his face, more precisely on his mouth, and the excruciating pain that ran through his veins almost made him faint. He took a breath of air and the oxygen from what must have been a mask entered his lungs.

His face, he suddenly remembered, had been completely burned.

"Thomas?

The boy stopped thinking. His breathing was still irregular but facilitated by the use of the oxygen mask.

"Thomas, please tell me it's you."

If even Alastair couldn't recognize him, he must have been in more than critical condition.

He tried to move his head, to open his eyes again, but the pain was too much and a sob broke out of Thomas' throat. He felt that Alastair grabbed his right hand, the one that had not been hit by the acid bomb and squeezed it. Thomas closed his fingers around his fiancé's and sighed. He felt the other one's hand shake and he just wanted to look at him once. Just once before he passed out from the pain. He felt it in his bones. He wouldn't stay awake for much longer.

"You are alive." Alastair whispered, "You are alive."

Thomas squeezed his hand harder and sobbed.

"I know, my love. I know." Now the other one seemed to be crying too. Someone else approached where Thomas was lying and settled down next to Alastair.

"Here with me is Cordelia." He cleared his voice before continuing to speak, " She was the one who found you. She found all of you."

Thomas inspired abruptly. She had seen Matthew, Christopher... James.

"Yes Tom, I've seen them," replied the girl, having sensed the path of his thoughts. The hoarse and tired voice of those like him who were fighting in the front line. "I couldn't bring them back. I arrived when they started with the fourth bombardment. I saw you fall from the edge of the woods, I saw you crawling before you were hit," she said in a trembling voice.

Alastair resumed after a few seconds of silence, Cordelia probably unable to continue her talk, "She was with Charles and Anna when they found you, but the other two were too badly injured and it was impossible to bring them all back." Another pause, much heavier than the others. Thomas wanted to scream. "We lost Lucie too."

He didn't give himself permission to assimilate those words, to think about what it would mean to go back to Will and Tessa and have to tell them that none of their children would come home. With every strength left in his body, he brought his right hand to his head, touching his eye that he knew was healthy, intact and unharmed. Alastair's hand followed his, helping him support the weight of his arm. He touched his eyelid, trying to open his eye forcibly and when one of the two Carstairs siblings realized what he was trying to do, his hand was lowered.

"Wait. I'm going to find something to wipe your face, don't try to open your eye, okay?"

Thomas wanted to nod, but he couldn't. He heard Cordelia walk away and ask someone for a wet rag.

Alastair handed him a hand on his cheek and then darkness struck him.

When he woke up the second time, the pain had not diminished and the screams of his companions seemed more numerous. This time he realized that he was in a field hospital.

He had never been there. He had never seen one, but Lucie - their dear little Lucie - had been one of the doctors who worked there.

He tried to move his toes and when he could only move his left foot, panic took over again. When he managed to open his right eye he almost vomited in front of the ones in front of him. He closed it immediately, blinded by the light and all that red.

How could they be alive? How could they still breathe, all those people who had pieces of foreign objects stuck in their chest, in their limbs. How could they have survived such wounds?

Thomas tried not to think that they would probably be temporary wounds. That the real wounds would be mental. Scars so deep that they would never heal completely.

He reopened his eye and saw Alastair sleeping next to him. He let his arm fall out of bed and lightly hit his boyfriend's shoulder. He noticed with no little happiness that Alastair still had his ring on his left hand.

The boy woke up up and jumped up, looking left and right in search of the threat. Thomas sighed what little the wounds allowed him. This would be their life from now on if he survived. Hospital beds and traumatic awakenings.

When Alastair realized that he was relatively safe, he sat down again, taking a fleeting look at Thomas, before putting his hands over his face and resting his head on his mattress.

He looked up at Thomas and, in a dragging voice, asked, "How are you feeling?

If Thomas could have laughed he would have done so. How was he feeling? He had no mobility in his right leg and the left side of his body was so burned that the pain in some places was not even there. Every nerve end burned and fused with the skin.

"Stupid question, sorry."

Thomas opened his mouth and realized he could only do it partially. Shit.

Alastair grimaced and his eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry Tom."

Thomas looked at him and felt empty. All those feelings, those famous butterflies in his stomach... they had always been there, and yet now it was as if they were dead and rotting inside him.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alastair get up and lean out behind the bed, when he sat down again he had a glass in his hand.

Water.

God.

How long has it been since he had drunk.

He must have moved unintentionally because Alastair laughed, before putting his hand on his right shoulder and squeezing it slightly, "Calm down," he said to him in a peremptory tone, "Now I'm going to lift the top of the bed slowly, so that you can sit down, if you feel pain, squeeze my hand." he continued, proceeding with the framing of his fingers to Thomas'. He gave Alastair two quick squeezes to make him understand that he had understood.

The latter placed the glass back on the bedside table and began to lift the back of the bed.

As soon as he reached a certain position the skin on Thomas's left side began to pull so much that the boy was forced to lift his hips out of the bed, which caused a pain in his right thigh so strong that he saw everything black for ten seconds. When he returned among the living, Alastair looked at him apologetically with tears in his eyes. The bed had returned to a height where the discomfort was bearable.

Cordelia arrived with something in her hand and when she lifted the object Thomas almost laughed. Leave it to her to find a straw on the battlefield. "Does this help?" Alastair thanked her and then sat down again, placing the glass so that it was close to Thomas' mouth.

The first sip was a blessing.

It's been days since he drank such clean water. Maybe weeks.

He was certain that he had survived thanks to the IV he had now attached to his body, but before arriving here, at the hospital, he and his companions had gone on to drink from the puddles they found on the path.

The weeks went by slowly and Thomas did not speak. He became feverish after the first transfer and the day before his return to his motherland his condition became so critical that he could no longer leave. The wounds had become infected and by now the infection had reached his heart. Anna, Charles and Cordelia had said they would stay with Alastair, but he had begged them to go home, to stay with their families. They were all mourning, they needed to be with their parents.

Thomas Lightwood died a few days later, lulled by the arms of what was to become his husband only three weeks later, his last words to Thomas being “You can go home now.”

Finally at peace with himself, he reached his friends and his cousins, happy to be able to rest for eternity.

tsc taglist

@queenofthemoon22 @tyherondaletrash @clara-sm @can-god-strike-me-down @tessaherongraystairs @idontgetit-whydoihavetosaymyname @jamescordelias @grxceblqckthxrn @thecerridwen @stitch-kiss @alastairlightwxod @ahiretsinging @allofmywonders @tremendousheadachecollector @tlh-tea @taco-taco-belle @city-of-fae @ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes @thomascarstairsx @alastaircarstairsx @fair-y-child @matthew-herondale @thomaslightwoodx @abigneignenn @imherongraystairstrash @rednailpolishqueen @herondamnn @parababitch-herondale @silent-nerd @heronblackstairs @starryherondales @queenofnorta

[tokyoghoose]

am i more than you bargained for?

pairing: tetsuro kuroo x reader

playlist: heather - conan gray*, 4ever - clairo, line without a hook - ricky montgomery, melting - kali uchis, slow dancing in the dark - joji, using you - mars argo, she - ed sheeran, make you feel my love - adele, letter home - childish gambino, she's casual - the hunna, i love you so - the walters, notice me (acoustic) - role model, red dress - postcard boy

warnings: angst and lots of it, mentions of sex, mentions self-shaming of image, very breif mention of anxiety attacks

summary: a romantic comedy without the comedy between friends with benefits

announcements!

kuroo is definitely a little ooc in this lmao buuuut this is my first like fic fic in like two years. Im still trying to get back in the groove of things and finding how to write personality again and not be repetitive with my wording. Feedback is welcome!

requests are open! feel free to send them in! i will write for pretty much any anime ive seen and if i haven't seen it, ill watch it! the only reasons i wouldn't is if im uncomfortable or can't write the character. :)

——————

When did relationships become so difficult? The days of making friends on the playground were over and it seemed to hit everyone at the same age. Life was getting harder and people were getting older, and suddenly everything was difficult. Nothing came easy anymore and everyone had to adjust to that.

But now you were just confused.

Tetsuro kuroo stuck to you like glue since middle school. Where one of you went the other was likely to follow. The righthand man, the double trouble duo, and the bane of kenma's existence. And then things got complicated. Strangers to friends to best friends to lovers— friends with benefits. Who would've thought the boy that you played volleyball with on a whim would've become the man who you grew fond of. Sixth grade you would've kicked yourself for the feelings you're experiencing. Oh how you wished you were back in the park that started it all. You wished you could warn your youngerself what's to come.

The realization hit you like a ton of bricks and it made you want to throw up at the thought.

It started in the first year of highschool when you suddenly noticed the shine in his eyes when he talked passionately about something like volleyball or the way he would furrow his brows when concentrated on his assignments. At first it was endearing, really. But the more you hung around him, the stronger the butterflies felt. It was obvious that he had grown into his lanky body. His legs were proportionate to his torso now and his once scrawny arms didn't hang limply at his sides anymore. He had muscle and height now. Gradually you started to notice little things about him that you would never have seen in other people. Like his lopsidded smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes and brought heat to your cheeks, your stomach launching into your chest when he'd bump shoulders and laugh.

You should've just smacked yourself silly then and there when you started to wonder if he noticed little things about you. Does he think of me like i think of him?

Who knew feelings could be so...perplexing. You moved on, shrugging off the crush in your second year to catch bigger and better fish in the sea. Life moved on and you dated other people, simply remaining friends with kuroo. Little did you know one heartbreak would lead you into his bed, playing in the sheets by the end of the year.

He was just so damn compelling. His laughter and his jokes. You fell for it all over again. Deja vu. Stupid kuroo.

———

The third of highschool had been the breaking point. It was a constant cycle of feeling, fucking, and falling in and out of love with the raven haired boy. It was frustrating, especially when he was so damn oblivious. The only person that seemed to catch on was kenma, but he was very little help when it came to pushing away the domestic thoughts. It would never just work out because you wanted it to because tetsuro was dumb.

It's a chilly day out, the sun nice against your skin but the wind was drastic in comparison. Shivers are sent up and down your spine, you wrap your arms around yourself in a hug. Could this boy take any longer? Foot tapping against the pavement, you heave a sigh, nostils flaring impatiently before you spot the tall athlete. With a girl. A girl?

You'd seen her around before and you vaguely remember thinking she resembled the main love interest in a 90s movie or a bratz doll. She's pretty and has a light, airy laugh. Kuroo must've told her a joke of some kind, but he definitely wasn't funny enough for her to have her hands all over his chest. He's giving her a toothy grin and soft eyes. It makes you want to gag.

Who was she anyway?

Not that it mattered because in that moment the fit of rage your body suddenly flug itself into prevented you from hearing anything. Kuroo's pulling off his pullover and drapping it over the pretty girl's shoulders. You can feel your eye twitch and fibgers tingle. He looks bashful as he waves her goodbye and tragically, you don't feel nearly as pretty as you had been feeling. Now all you wanted to do was sink into the ground below you and possibly into another dimension—or at least the other side of the world.

"She's pretty," is the first thing that comes out of your mouth when he comes over, slouching with his hands in the pockets of his shorts. He had practice this afternoon, you remember. He looks over at you with raised brows, almost like he's surprised yoy said anything or even noticed he was talking to another girl before walking towards the gym with you trailing close behind.

"Yeah she is, I guess."

She's prettier than me.

"You guess? Kuroo, you gave her your sweater."

He shrugs sheepishly, a light pink dusting his cheeks and it makes you mad of uncharacteristic the act is. You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

"It's just polyester. It's not a big deal."

The conversation suddenly drops as you pause, apparently very hurt that he didn't remember it was you who gave him the sweater in the first place. He turns around, a questioning look on his face.

"What? Are you jealous?" He teases.

You're fuming at his attempt to be playful. Maybe you were overreacting, but it pangs your chest to know he can brush it off so easily.

" Kuroo, that was my sweater. "

It's gritted through your teeth, eyes slotted into a glare and his face drops. Oh is all he can think as he stares at you and the hurt expression that quickly turns into that of annoyance and anger. You push past him, ultimately deciding not to walk him to the gym. His arm reaches out to catch you, but it falls short as he calls out in a whine, "I'll get it back for you, okay? Come on, y/n!"

———

You can't focus on the assignments in front of you no matter how hard you try. You are exsausted. Just wanting to crawl under the covers and sleep for maybe a thousand years, you stop tapping your oen against the paper to hyperfocus on the black dots that now littered the page. The music in the background pauses before coming back to life with the hum of a new song shuffling in. It's quiet and yet, it's overwhelming. You wish you weren't home alone now.

Hanging your head low on your desk, the carpet becoming of interest, you groan. The image of kuroo and that girl replaying in your head over and over like an endless movie. You'd have to give it a bad review if it ever ended.

You're focus is mainly on her though. Kuroo could get any girl he wants with his witt and charm. Not to mention he wasn't jusf handsome, but he's beautiful. Model material—movie character love interest type beat. He has the ability to make any heart swoon if he tries hadd enough, and that girl was no exception. She was more than pretty. She was stunning, even. It was like watching human barbie and ken flirt with one another. She seems so nice too and you can vaguely remember her helping you wish a couple answers on homework one morning. She's better than you and better for him. Is he sleeping with her too? Before you can answer your own question the doorbell rings, quickly followed by a knock at your door.

You look down at your pajamas, debating if you should pull on your robe or not, but ultimately deciding against it when the knocks come again.

"Im coming, I'm coming. What do you wan- kuroo?"

When you open the door, you immediately get the urge to shut it right in his perfect little face, and you begin to before his hand slams against it in protest to push it open wider. He juts out his lip into a pout and his eyes soften into ones pleading like a puppy dog. You huff and avoid eye contact, instead taking intrest in the bad he was carrying.

"What's that?"

"Stuff. I'd be happy to show you if you let me in."

"Sorry, tetsuro, no can do. You haven't returned my sweater. "

He scoffs and rolls his eyes before shoving something bulky into your arms. You're not sure if you should be happy he actually got it back or upset that he had to see her again to get it. Finally looking up at him, you move to the side so he can step in.

"You know, you don't have to be jealous that i gave another girl a sweater. You're my number one, y/n." He's teasing, but his words still send the butterflies in your stomach crazy. You can only hope he means it, even if just a little.

"I'm not jealous. You can sleep with whoever you want, kuroo. We're just best friends—if anything im your wingman. "

You want to hit yourself on the head. Why would you say that?

He snickers at the rebuttle, coming to loom over you. Apparently the only thing that can get you out of your head is his cologne because it somehow invaded your senses. He smells expensive, like nice leather and fire wood during the winter. It's very manly, you note. His shadow hovers over yours as he traps you between him and the counter with a playful smirk on his face. How smug could he get. He leans down, bringing your chin up between his thumb and finger. You hadn't realized how close he was until now. Since when did you get so nervous around him? Why did it make you nervous when he kissed you all of a sudden? It's unfair that he holds the advantage. Heat rises to your cheeks and the tips of your ears and you're positive he can hear the beating of your heart, which was currently trying to break out of your chest.

His lips take you to paradise, as always. Their soft against your own, yet firm. They're slightly chapped and they taste like spearmint. It makes your head fuzzy because they feel so right, even when you wish they felt wrong. You want to pull away and kick him out, and end thjs whole arrangement, but you're already very familiar with the fact it's just beginning.

———

The bed is warm. So warm, in fact, it feels like your suffocating. The sheets tangle around your limbs, strangling you as you tangle your limbs around kuroos. You almost want to cry, and if you were anywhere else— with anyone else —you probably would have. The heat is unbearable and the one sided tension makes your stomach churn and your throat tighten up. You were almost positve an anxiety attack was coming on.

Taking a deep breath through your nose, you close your eyes as kuroo's nimble fingers soothe circles into your shoulder blade idly and yet somehow he manages to dodge the purple and red splotches blooming on the flesh. Suddenly you wish you didn't feel so safe and protected in his embrace. The moment almost tempts you to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, but you don't deserve to be the person who does that because you aren't his person. Best friend, maybe (next to Kenma, if anything) but, you aren't his person no matter how you long to be. You're just a friend in his bed having a good time. It isn't as fun anymore.

You swallow a lump in your throat, flattening your hand against his broad chest and willing yourself to lift up out of his grasp, his fingers falling smoothly to stop between your shoulder blades. Looking down at him, he presents you with the soft, goofy look on his face that he always adorns. God, there's nothing you wouldn't give to wake up beside him every morning and kiss that lopsided grin off his face. It hurts to think about, and another wave of tears try to force their way past your lash line. You blink them away and put on a soft, one-sided smile for the man below you, giving him a quick peck where his jaw and neck meet before shrugging his hands off and climbing out of bed.

His eyes track you, lazily hooded and watching, as you take the sheet with you to cover yourself, grabbing your shorts and whatever top you were wearing but a few hours ago before everything was strewn about. You shy away from his gaze, but it's nothing he hasn't seen before. He shifts in the bed to face your back, elbow propped up to lay his head in his hand. With an uncharacteristically soft tone, you almosf don't head him when he speaks. The words that come from him are like honey, yet raw. It's enough to make anyones knees buckle and crawl back into bed.

"Are you okay?"

There's a slight hint of concern there, just hardlg scrapping the surface of the question. You nod with a hum, throwing on the loose shirt before facing him. Kuroo's brow raises like he doesn't quite believe you, but he doesn't take the question further and instead turns to get out of bed. You gnaw at your lip, taking your turn to watch him stretch out. His back has red streaks messily placed down it from his shoulders to the base, his biceps matching. His hair is messy and not like the normal bed head he sports, parts of it are spiked up from fingers constantly pushing through it, while other parts are laid flat from sweat. You can't help the thought that he's sculpted by the gods. They definitely took their time on him. Scoffing at yourself and shaking the thoughts free from your head, you head to the bathroom. As if the bed wasn't suffocating enough, just being the same room was found to be worse when he looks like that. At this point, it was preferred he stayed under the covers.

You feel stupid while looking in the mirror. Your mascara from earlier had smudged beneath your waterline, clumping together in the corner. Your nose curls at the sight, hands splashing cool water at your face, rubbing at your eyes. With a sigh you lean your elbows on the sink, pushing back hair and looking down at the water going into the drain.

This is ridiculous.

How on earth could you do this to yourself and to kuroo?

There's a knock on the bathroom door, it's light and gentle in the typical kuroo fashion because he doesn't want to spook you. You purse your lips, digging the palms of your hands into your eyes and heaving a sigh. As soon as you open the door and switch places, you're up and out of his apartment without saying goodbye.

The cool air of outside hits your face and you hadn't noticed the tears until the damp chill shook you. Brushing them away, you head home. You didn't want to be around him and you certainly didn't want to think about him. On the way back, you finally decided you weren't going to tell him anything. What would dumb tetsuro know about it anyway.

[yadds]

Take My Pain

Tony comes back from the dead. He wishes he hadn’t. Peter helps.

.

Here, have some physical pain to go with the emotional variety I usually tend towards.

TW: graphic descriptions of pain, suicide attempt. Please read responsibly

__________________________________________

Three years after the final snap, Tony Stark suddenly appeared outside the Avengers compound, emaciated and feeling like every bone in his body had been shattered to pieces, every muscle shredded, every ligament ripped away. But he was alive.

“Miracle Return!” and “Tony Stark, Back from the Dead!” and “Second Chance for a Charmed Life!” the tabloids touted. It felt less like the proclaimed blessing and more like an eternal punishment.

Pain medications didn’t work on him anymore. Neither did alcohol. The pain was constantly off the charts, enough to over stress the heart of a normal human. He should be dead all over again just from the intensity of the pain, which never abated.

He spent three months drifting in and out of awareness because, of course, the sedatives didn’t work either. Every moment of consciousness was hell, full of screaming, sobs, and delirium.

It took six months and four attempts to just end it all before he was successful. He’d broken a nearby glass when he’d jolted back to consciousness, arms flailing, searching for an anchor as he thrashed in an ocean of agony. He’d seized a large, particularly jagged shard that had landed perfectly on the bed right next to him, quickly and firmly drawing it across his own throat. He felt his first moment of blessed relief as he watched the crimson downpour flood down his torso and across the bed to drip heavily onto the floor. It didn’t take long before his fingers went numb and the glass fell to the ground.

Oh, God. This numbness, this was heaven. It spread, slow and steady, moving upward from his extremities. He felt the shadow of gentle release settle over him, the pain ebbing away. Finally.

He had half a second of lucidity to feel sorry for the nurses and doctors racing around the room, shouting orders and trying desperately to find something that would work on him. And...was that...Pepper? Oh, he wished she wasn’t here to see this.

But that concern quickly faded away as well as his eyelids fluttered then closed.

.

Silence. Serene, clean darkness. He was suspended in a cool lake, a soothing balm to his scorched, broken body.

He closed his eyes and smiled.

.

It felt like only a moment, as fleeting as the brush of a butterfly’s wing. Then he was thrust back into the flames of hellfire.

‘No. Nonononono. Please, God! I’ll do anything! Anything!’

Tears streamed down his face but none of his pleas could be voiced. He’d probably sliced through his vocal cords.

Well, at least it was quiet now.

.

The pain was maybe receding, infinitesimally. He wasn’t sure how much of it was the actual absence of pain and how much of it was his apparently enhanced body adapting to a new normal. He also didn’t care.

The next time he was aware enough to understand what was going on through the haze of pain, the wizard was there.  What was his name?  Weird? Not his favorite person, but it was about fucking time.

“Stark. Can you hear me?” he was asking. By the expression on his face, he’d probably already asked more than once.

What was he expected to do here? Blink once for yes, twice for no? Hello, he couldn’t talk. He shakily raised his left hand, middle finger extended.

Gandalf had the expression of exasperation down to an art form, he was sure. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he muttered.

There was a smothered huff of laughter that came from behind...Strange, that was his name. Tony’s eyes slowly dragged further to the left and his heart stuttered.

Peter. “Kid,” he tried to say, but nothing came out, damn it. Peter seemed to get the gist though and stepped forward with a strained smile.

“Hey, Mr. Stark. Long time, no see, huh?”

Holy shit. He’d been aware that the original snap had been reversed, vaguely remembered seeing Peter on the battlefield. But seeing him again, now, whole, and here - Tony desperately wanted to get out of this damn bed, wrap him up in his arms and never fucking let go ever again. The most he could actually manage was to lift his hand just a few inches higher, fingers extended.

Peter grasped his hand in both of his, grip gentle but strong and secure. “We think we might have found something that can help you.”

At the skeptical lift of Tony’s eyebrows, Peter grinned. “Just leave it to Dr. Strange. I promise he’s more Glinda the Good Witch than he is Wicked Witch of the West.”

Bless this boy and his understanding of Tony’s sense of humor.

The bout of excruciation surged over him suddenly, a phantom hand around his throat as his back bowed off the bed, muscles seizing as he choked for air.

Peter’s hand clamped tighter, a bastion of stability in this tidal wave of agony. He had a hazy vision of Peter and the wizard arguing fervently before Peter shouted, “I know, just fucking do it already!”

And then it stopped. Tony laid motionless, in a daze. His body didn’t know how to react to the abrupt absence of pain, convulsing as it continued to pump obscene amounts of adrenaline and endorphins. His sobs began anew as he finally began to process the release. He didn’t care what the cost was; this bliss was worth anything. They could have all his tech, his money, his fucking free will. Everything.

It felt like an eternity before he was able to do so much as move his head. His gaze found Strange and he took in his grim expression and tight jaw with some trepidation. Why was he not jumping for joy, or at least smiling? It worked! Tony would be kissing his feet if he could.

He followed Strange’s grimace to the spot to his left. He couldn’t contain the full-body jolt as his world shattered.

Peter was hunched in the chair at his bedside as his body quaked and spasmed, blood streaming from his nose, his ears, his mouth.

And he was still diligently holding Tony’s hand.

He took it back. This wasn’t worth it at all. He would rather suffer through that torment for a thousand years than allow Peter to feel it for a single second.

His eyes darted frantically as he turned his heavy head back to face Strange, infuriated with his body’s continued inability to respond to his commands. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? Fix this! Why are you just standing there, you sadistic piece of shit?’ he screamed silently, throat working uselessly. God, fuck his past self for taking even that capability away.

Strange wasn’t stupid though - he knew what Tony wanted. “I can’t,” he bit out. “Peter knew this would probably happen. It was his idea.”

‘Does it look like I fucking care who’s idea it was? Give it back!’ Tony gestured at himself weakly, hoping his face was at least expressing how livid he was.

“I can’t,” Strange reiterated, sounding just as frustrated. “Not without a massive amount of energy that I don’t have access to at the moment.”

Tony had never quite so ardently wished that looks could kill before this particular instant.

“We-” Strange broke off abruptly, clearing his throat as he rubbed wearily at his eyes. “We’re doing what we can, Stark. The hope is that medication will continue to work for Peter so that he can get the relief that you never could. He metabolizes significantly faster than the average human, but we’ve conducted testing for the past several weeks to develop proper dosing rates and have planned accordingly.”

Sure enough, he noticed now that the nurses and doctors weren’t just doing their normal background bustling but were attending to Peter, administering injections and IV medication bags.

Please, please, please let this work, he prayed, to any and every deity that could possibly exist.

The next few minutes were an endless loop of anxiety, where he felt at the brink of insanity. Tony was sure that this would be what would finally do him in. Because this was unfathomably worse than the months of physical anguish that had failed to do so.

Finally, the convulsions started to recede, Peter’s muscles unclenching and leaving his body to slump lifelessly in his chair.

Tony’s breaths came faster and faster as he stared at Peter’s body, remaining completely motionless, chest no longer heaving for breath. No longer doing anything at all.

Tony couldn’t breathe at all now, throat closing and lungs ablaze. No. Not Peter. He couldn’t-

There. Maybe- yes, again. A gentle rise and fall.

Tony gasped helplessly as his own breathing resumed. He heard a similar heavy exhalation from Strange’s direction.

“His vitals look okay, all things considered,” Strange reported as Tony watched a nurse carefully clean the blood off Peter’s face, neck, arms. Tony wished he could personally burn the blood soaked clothes.

‘Now what?’ Tony mouthed.

“Now we figure out what’s causing the pain and how to get rid of it,” Strange replied.

‘Um, excuse me, what? There was no plan to fix this? And you just let Peter do this anyway?’ While it may have gotten him in trouble in the past when he respected pretty much no one and everyone knew it, it was finally in his favor that Tony had a very expressive face.

“As I said, it was Peter’s idea. We were just supposed to be here today to work out logistics for when we were ready. But he was adamant that the risk was worth the possibility of the medication working for him and allowing you to finally be able to heal. He was pretty sure that his body was comparable to whatever yours has become, that he’d be able to withstand it like you have, in the event that it would be necessary,” Strange explained.

Tony shut his eyes tight. That stupid kid.

“I think I’m on the right track, but it’ll actually help a lot to finally be able to study your body and figure out what the hell happened.”

Fine. Study away. Slice him open and dig around inside if you have to. Just figure out how to fix Peter.

Tony looked back at Peter, eyes catching on his own hand, which had fallen out of Peter’s grasp finally when he’d officially lost consciousness. The fingers were all misshapen, bent at odd angles. He couldn’t decide if he was surprised or not that he wasn’t registering any pain from his crushed hand.

When he noticed them readying Peter to be moved, he tried to reach out, mouth opening to protest before clicking shut again in frustration.

“Wait,” Strange called out. “Bring him back in here when you’ve gotten him cleaned up.”

Thank you. Maybe Dumbledore wasn’t so bad after all.

“It’ll be useful to have both subjects nearby for testing,” Strange added.

Or maybe he was still just as obnoxious as Tony had originally thought.

“Of course, sir,” one of the nurses intoned. “We’ll bring in another bed.”

Tony shook his head and pointed at the spot next to him in his own bed. It was a king size, for God’s sake.

Strange shook his own head. “No.”

Tony glared back reproachfully, crossing his arms over his chest.

Strange rolled his eyes. “We’ll talk about it later,” he said with a smirk.

Hardy har har. Let’s make jokes about the mute man. Tony knew that he’d be developing something groundbreaking in the way of communication before the week was up. After he slept for five days straight probably.

Because if that’s what it took, he would talk with Strange about it. He knew what it felt like to be isolated in that never ending loop of agony and he would make sure that Peter knew he wasn’t alone.

Tony had once turned back time to save this kid. He sure as hell wasn’t going to lose him again.

__________________________________________

So, is there a limit to the number of metaphors one can cram into a single 1500 word entry? Asking for a friend...🙄🙄

On another note - Yall. Wtf is wrong with me? This is so not my usual style. Because I’m completely incapable of short explanations, here’s the long version of how this started:

Me: you know what I’d like to write next? A fic where Tony comes back from the dead and he and Peter reunite and hang out a lot and are able to relate in a way that most people aren’t. It gradually progresses and Pepper watches them grow closer and realizes that eventually Peter is more important to him than she is anymore. And blah blah blah, angst angst angst, eventually the boys work it out and realize their feelings and get together. Yay! Okay, so let’s get started - how should Tony come back?

My brain: PAIN! SUFFERING! Everyone just wants to DIE!

Me: ...okay... sure. That can be interesting. Here’s a brief description of that. And now-

My brain: NO! More, more, MORE! You’re not selling it, you wuss! I will not help you move on until EVERYTHING IS THE WORST EVER!!

Me: I’msorry I’msorry I’msorry I’msorry I’msorry. Is this enough now?

My brain: Almost, just a litttttle bit further.

Me: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this...this is all I can do

My brain: yesssssss. That’ll do for now. Now give it to Peter.

Me: ...Wut? That was never part of the plan.

My brain: don’t give a fuuuuuck. Is now. WHUMP!

So uh, anyway, that’s how that happened. I still want to write my original fic idea! I’m just not sure if it’ll be a continuation of this or a separate thing altogether. Who knows? I’m gonna snuggle my baby now and feel better from this completely unanticipated torture fest.