#lets be real when is anything i post NOT a shitpost

[z-mizcellaneous-z]

traumatizing your friends via angsty fic ideas: a series

[spongejuice]

Oh to be a moss covered rock gathering fairy dust in the grotto on a cold winters day

[porcelana-r0ta]

let the mourners come

Title: let the mourners come

Ao3 Link: Only available to Ao3 users

Word Count: 3045

Summary:

It started, as most things do with Danny Fenton, as a joke.

It ended, as most things do with Jazz Fenton, with things better than they were before.

xxXxx

When Danny finally gets a Twitter, it’s during Elon Musk’s shit show takeover. He’s able to secure a good Twitter handle thanks to people leaving en masse and fleeing to Tumblr. He knows about things that happen outside of Amity Park (he is terminally online rather than chronically, after all), but he still doesn’t think anything of using @TheJoker as his handle, even knowing about Gotham City’s clown troubles. It’s just going to be a shitpost account, anyway, one that dances in the chaos of Elon’s electronic graveyard. Nothing will come about him using @TheJoker when he’s merely posting things like, “Just grew a new row of teeth!!! very pointy but can’t go to the dentist anymore bc they might turn me in to the giw.”

So Danny honestly never foresaw The Actual Real Joker breaking out of Arkham Asylum all the way in Gotham City, New Jersey, and deciding to get a Twitter account to terrorize people online as well as offline. And he definitely never foresaw The Joker @’ing him on Twitter, demanding that Danny change his Twitter handle. But, well. Here he was. 

[Image Description: A screenshot of a Twitter reply chain, starting with the real Joker @'ing Danny's Twitter account, which uses TheJoker as his Twitter handle. The Joker, who has a verified account, demands that Danny "change your handle", and Danny replies with a simple "no" followed by red heart emoji. The Joker Tweets, "Kid you don't know who you're fucking with," to which Danny replies, "Ye I do ur some dude w/ poor fashion sense and lame jokes. Maybe try badjokesbyjeff bc originality is ugly on u" followed by a shrugging emoticon. The Joker responds, "Check your DMs." Danny then responds, "Perf [happy emoji surrounded by hearts] I've sent you a time and place. Can't wait to beat the shit out of another disgrace of a clown." Someone with the username "Gregg rulz ok" responds to Danny's last Tweet, "Bro is absolutely RATIOING the joker but the clown keeps responding [three skull emojis] embarrassing frfr too bad he's gonna die for realsies".

End ID]

Danny is quick to respond and then makes even quicker work of roasting The Joker. This soon results in The Joker DMing him his IP Address and a creative threat. Still, Danny isn’t about to cow to a clown with no respect for the art of clowning. He replies to the DM: 

Cool, meet me at the Nasty Burger parking lot in Amity Park IL on tuesday at 2am

The response from The Joker is quick:

Fourteen year olds are too confident these days

Danny rolls his eyes and ignores the influx of notifications from Twitter, and instead makes another Tweet.

Imagine beefing with someone over a Twitter handle lol acc so embarrassing for him

He blackens his screen and stretches in bed, letting his spine pop more than what is humanly possible. He runs his tongue over that second row of teeth, his lips curling into a grin. 

xxXxx

Gothamite Twitter is blowing up over The Joker’s social media beef with a faceless shitposting account. Jason, upon finding out about it, has a series of reactions: first, he looks up the shitposter and follows them. Then, he finds the actual chain between the poster and The Joker, and his vision goes vibrant green when he sees that The Joker’s profile picture is of the second Robin, beaten and swollen in an abandoned building in Ethiopia. 

When his vision clears and he can breathe without wanting to kill, he likes the shitposter’s replies, and he calls the Replacement to see if the other Bats know already.

“We know,” Tim says in lieu of a hello when the ringing cuts out. “We’re working on it.”

“What, you think anything’s gonna come of it?” But even as Jason asks, he already knows the answer. The Joker is unhinged and once he’s threatened something, he’ll follow up unless he comes up with a “funnier” option. 

Tim’s breath hitches, and he says, “I’ve hacked their DMs. Joker knows the kid’s IP address and sent it to him. He knows everything from that address alone.”

He pauses in the middle of suiting up, “Kid?”

He hears Tim swallow, “Yes, kid. He’s fifteen. And he gave The Joker a specific time and place to meet up to fight. In his own hometown.”

“Are— are you fucking kidding me?” 

“No. B is already calling Nightwing. We’re taking the Batwing to Illinois.”

“Jesus fuck. I’ll be there in twenty.”

“Hood, I—”

“Shut up, I’m already in my gear.” He hangs up without waiting for a response. 

He refreshes the Twitter feed and barks a laugh at the newest Tweet:

Jason Todd votes, and the Red Hood leaves his safe house. 

xxXxx

A commercial flight to Illinois takes around two and a half hours. In the Batwing, they get there in an hour, and don’t even have to worry about the drive from Chicago to a small speck of a town like Amity Park. They spend the quick flight learning everything they can about Daniel James Fenton, the owner of the Twitter account, and they can all sense the growing tension from (and between) Bruce and Jason.

But, well. Jason doesn’t care. Let them be uncomfortable. It doesn’t compare to being ripped back into life and finding out his dad didn’t even get justice for his death. 

When they reach town, it doesn’t take long to find the Fentons’ home. This is in part because Amity Park is a very navigable town, and because of the giant neon sign proclaiming FentonWorks on the side of the building. 

“Is that a blimp?” Dick asks. “Why don’t we have a blimp?” 

“Where would we keep it?” the Demon Brat counters practically. “Goliath takes up all of the Cave’s extra space.” 

Jason rolls his eyes and knows veins would be popping out of Bruce’s forehead if it weren’t for the cowl. 

“Let’s go,” Bruce says instead, and they all make their way to the house. 

Nightwing, predictably, goes for the front door approach. Jason rolls his eyes as he takes one of the second-story windows and finds his way downstairs.

He gets down at the same time that a redheaded girl answers the door and nearly slams it in Dick’s face. Jason has to suppress snickers at the sight. 

“Wait, wait, wait, are you Jazz Fenton? We need to talk to your brother!” 

“...We?” she asks, then tenses and turns around to see the rest of the Bats in the hall behind her. Dick takes the opportunity to step in completely, closing the door behind him. “Wha— what’s going on?”

“Where are your parents, Jazz?” Bruce makes every question sound like a demand. Jason rolls his eyes from behind his mask—way to put the teenager at ease, B.

“Why do you need to know?” Her voice has a defensive edge to it. “What do you want with Danny?” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Nightwing comforts. “He didn’t do anything too bad, just said some dumb things online. It’s not his fault.” 

This relaxes her, and her shoulders begin un-hunching. “Oh, s-so what’d he do?”

“He foolishly challenged The Joker to a battle in a ‘Nasty Burger’ parking lot tonight.” 

“You could’ve had some more tact, Robin,” Nightwing scolds. But the Demon Spawn just crosses his arms. 

“He did what?” Jazz shrieks. “Like, The Joker from Gotham? That Joker?”

“Are there others?” Red Hood comments dryly. 

Her face goes through several different emotions—disbelief, rage, fear, and then rage again, “DANIEL JAMES FENTON! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!” 

There’s a thumping noise, and then frantic footsteps down the stairs. 

“Wha? Who died?” asks the figure of a tiny fifteen-year-old, smaller than even Jason had been when he was alone with The Joker. He’s tiny and lanky. Zero muscle definition. Eye bags to rival the Replacement’s. Something ripples in the Pit, deep and distinct, but he can’t name what causes it.

Oh, this kid is so dead. 

“Danny,” says Jazz calmly while Danny blinks uncomprehendingly at the heroes in their hallway. She is solemn when she says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you now.” 

“What did I do?” 

She stares at him, “Why have you scheduled a fight with The Joker?” 

“Oh, that.” He rubs the back of his neck, “Is he taking that seriously?”

“Of course he is, Danny! It’s The Joker! That’s what he does! He can’t differentiate between a joke and reality! He would tear off his own face for the bit!” 

“Oof,” is all Danny can muster. He digs his phone out and starts typing before Jazz yanks it out his hand. 

“You’re fucking TWEETING about this?” Jazz asks incredulously, and Hood’s hackles rise. She even reads the Tweet aloud, “‘Just found out @TheJ0ker is being fr about fighting me. Sad but i can take a clown.’”

“I was gonna add ‘i’ve done it b4,’ but like the letter and the number four. But yeah.” 

“You’re grounded forever.” Danny opens his mouth to protest, but the look Jazz cuts at him is so scathing that he shuts his mouth. Hood is reluctantly impressed—she had what could be cultivated into a fantastic Batglare. She pockets the phone, “You’re never getting this phone back. Taunting The Joker to Amity? Have you any brain cells? What if he brings Joker gas with him, huh? Or any of his goons? What if he starts hurting other people? Have you thought any of this through?” 

Danny’s face goes from tired to chastised, his lips drawing into a frown, especially at the mention of other people. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t think that he’d take it so seriously.”

“He sent you your IP Address.”

“I thought that was just a random string of numbers?”

“Oh my god,” Jazz despairs. “Oh my god. Grounded forever. See, I know you're lying to me. I know you're lying because Tucker, the nerdiest tech nerd to have ever been born, is your best friend.”

He rubs the back of his neck, “I tune him out?”

“You’re still lying to me?” Jazz scoffs and turns to Batman, “Do whatever you want with him. I’m not going to defend him from this.” 

“Hey!” complained her brother, but Batman just continued on, “Where are your parents?”

“They’re in Sweden for a science convention,” Jazz answers. “They left this morning.” 

Damn, Jason curses to himself. 

“Jazz, seriously. You’re not gonna let Batman kill me, right?” 

“Do you want to be cremated or buried, Danny?” Jazz asks blasély, and Danny gulps, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. 

“It’s my Twitter handle,” he mutters petulantly, and Jason can’t believe the gall of this kid. Or maybe stupidity. Audacity’s a good one, too. “If he wanted it, he should’ve gotten it first. And he gives clowns a bad name.” 

“Not the clown thing again.” Jazz digs her palms into her eyes, sighs, then turns to the heroes. “He has a whole clown thing ever since Circus Gothica came to town and robbed a bunch of jewelry stores.” 

Danny gestures wildly with his hands, as if demonizing clowns was the real problem and not the egomaniacal mass murderer who wanted to murder him for his Twitter handle, “Clowning is an art form, Jazz, and people like Freakshow and The Joker make a mockery of the very serious societal statements that clowns make!” 

All of the Bats very carefully Did Not look at Nightwing, who has made very similar rants on quiet patrols.

“You are never leaving this house again,” she says serenely. “And I’m unplugging the wifi router.”

“You would punish even yourself?”

“Oh, little brother. I would watch the world burn if it meant knocking sense into your thick skull.” 

“Okay, Christ,” Red Hood finally interrupted the siblings’ melodrama. An unyielding redheaded girl and a mouthy black-haired, blue-eyed boy? They’d fit in a little too well back at the Manor, so Jason needs to cut this shit out before Bruce’s bat-doption instincts start tingling. “Stop. Just… Christ. Stop. Is this how you always interact with each other?”

“Sometimes there’s explosions,” Danny pipes up, a cheeky grin on his face. 

Jazz doesn’t dispute it. 

Fucking hell. God damn it. I can’t. I just can’t. 

Batman doesn’t give anything away, “Robin and Red Robin will be staying here with you until Nightwing, Hood, and I apprehend The Joker. First, we’re going to check the perimeter.” 

“Oooh, I get to give the lab tour!” 

Lab?

“No lab. You’re grounded. You’ll only be in there for cleaning duty now.”

“Wh– hey! No fair!” 

“What’s this lab you two are talking about?” Red Robin asks before Jazz can rip into her brother again. 

She sighs, “Our parents’ lab. I’ll show you, but someone needs to stay with Danny.” 

“You act like I’m gonna run off and start World War III….”

“I wonder why,” she says sarcastically.

Batman nods to Robin, who nods back, and the rest of them follow Jazz out of the living room to a metal reinforced door. She types in a code—Jason catches the numbers 03-14-99. There’s an assenting beep, and she opens the door, flicking on the lights and leading them down into what is apparently a basement lab. 

A stone settles in Red Hood’s stomach, cold and heavy. 

The basement is large, likely the floor size of the entire building. There are several work tables, filled with miscellaneous blueprints and spare parts and weapons and tools. Against the farthest wall is another armored door, but what draws Hood’s—and the entire Batclan’s—attention is the south wall, where a circular hole in the wall was glowing a toxic Pit green. 

The stone shattered in his stomach, splintering into his body. Is it harder or easier to breathe? Jason can’t tell. 

“Wow,” says Nightwing. His voice is cheerful, but Jason can feel the stress beneath it. “Do I even want to know?” 

Wasn’t this supposed to just be typical Joker bullshit?

“Our parents are ectobiologists,” Jazz explains nonchalantly, walking further into the lab. “As in, ghost biologists.” She pauses at one of the work tables, picking up a green and white thermos. Pretty boring, considering the rest of their surroundings. 

“Ghosts.” Red Robin’s voice is carefully neutral. 

“Ghosts,” Jazz reaffirms. “I know. I thought they were crazy at first, too. But I can prove it, if you like.” Then, without waiting for a yes or no, she untwists the thermos, and there’s a bright flash of white, and a whole entire body sprouting out of it. 

“WHOO! I’M FREE!” cries the…being, pale and floating and lanky and entirely too big to have fit into a fucking thermos, of all the fucking things. “....And not in the Realms? Wait.” He stops stretching, descending to rest closer to the ground, but still hovering a few inches from the floor. He’s got green eyes and lifeless (ha) blond hair. He’s wearing a trenchcoat and a green skull necklace. Overall, he looks like the type of thug he’d arrest in the Bowery. 

“Hello, Johnny.” The man’s—ghost’s?—eyes flicker around each person in the room, his gaze becoming more and more confused and panicked as he takes in each Bat, before settling on Jazz Fenton. 

“Why are the fucking Bats here?” 

“The Joker’s coming to Amity,” she says. The ghost’s eyes widen. Jazz tilts her head, “How many ghosts would you say passed away in Gotham, Johnny?” 

As Jason and the Bats tense, this Johnny guy lets out a wicked laugh, “Oh, Doll, you have the best surprises. Why did we break up?” 

“You did try to have my body possessed. That ruins any good relationship.” 

“Man, but Kitty’ll love this. Thanks for letting me out of Soup Time, Doll.” He floats higher, “Any advice?” 

She throws him the phone she’d confiscated from Danny and he catches it easily, “Everything’s on here. Have fun.”

“What exactly are you planning?” Batman scowls. 

Johnny laughs, “Aww, don’t worry, Bats. Peace and love on Planet Earth, or whatever. We’ll make it quick.” Then, as the Bats leap into action as one, Johnny turns invisible, the Batarangs passing harmlessly through where he’d once been floating. 

“Where did he go?” Batman turns his scowl, angrier than ever, to Jazmin Fenton, who stares back unflinchingly. “He’s going to solve the problem.”

“You mean he’s going to kill The Joker.”

She shakes her head, “Oh, no. That’d just be asking for him to come back as a ghost. Could you imagine a Joker with powers like invisibility, intangibility, flight, and more? Johnny can be impulsive, but he’s smart. None of them will kill The Joker.” 

“Then what are they going to do?” Red Robin asks. 

“My parents are ectobiologists,” Jazz repeats from earlier. “But I am more of an anthro-ectopologist. I am concerned with the study of ectoplasmic beings’ societies and cultures. And while it is very ancient, there is protocol in the Infinite Realms—that is, where you go when you die, should you remain after death—to prosecute living criminals who have killed a certain number of Realms citizens. So you don’t have to worry about your moral code, Batman. The Joker will be tried by a much fairer court than Gotham can ever hope to have. No offense.” 

Jason stares at Jazz Fenton, who he’d pegged as the sane sibling. He’s not so sure now, but he can’t say he hates it.

“And how do we know it’s a fair trial?” Nightwing asks. 

She waves her hand, “Oh, as Gotham’s Knights, you’re key witnesses. I’m sure you’ll be summoned to testify. You will see then. And don’t worry about your secret identities—the dead don’t care much for that sort of thing.” 

“So if this is a ‘fair’ trial or whatever, The Joker’s going to be locked up forever?” Jason asks. “I mean, that’s the only option for shit like him.” 

Batman sends him a look, but he ignores it. 

“Well, there are several different punishments that could be deemed appropriate, but he’ll never be able to set foot in the mortal world again, yes.” 

Jason Todd grins, “Oh, I’m glad your brother’s stupid, kid.” 

She sighs, long-suffering, “Well, that makes one of us. Still, there’s more important things we should discuss now that you’re here.”

“More important than The Joker trying to kill your brother over a Twitter handle?” Red Robin asks doubtfully. 

Jazz smiles, sharp and dangerous, and asks, ”Have you ever heard of the Anti-Ecto Acts?” 

xxXxx

Several months later when Danny is finally un-grounded, he Tweets his last three Tweets before Twitter can become the foolishly named X: 

Imagine bullying the Joker so hard that it not only lands the Joker in ghost prison BUT it also leads to major law reform in the US lmao someone make the domino effect meme about this pls

Y’allre replying to me with thanks like i did anything other than be an internet troll. My sister literally manipulated local, federal, and interdimensional law so you should be thanking her. 

i just a babie 🥺🥺🥺

xxXxx

Thanks for reading! This is the whole fic, so pls do not ask for tags! Thank you :)

[iatrophilosophos]

Therapy enjoyers need to take their own advice and practice some mindfulness and distress tolerance every time an insane person is talking about their own shit. Yall love ur acronyms so let's call this the KILL YOURSELF skill

[K]IND: what KIND of statement is being made? Is it a vent, personal narrative, informative, analysis, shitpost?

[I]NTROSPECTION: why does the statement bother you? Is your reaction actually proportional to what's being said?

[L]ESSON: What do you think this person might have learned about psychiatry that you haven't experienced?

[L]ENIANCE: what axies of socioeconomic privilege might be impacting how the psychiatric establishment treats you as opposed to other patients?

[Y]OUR OWN SHIT: What in your past or present makes you defensive of psychiatry? How might that compare in terms of intensity and impact to the experience being implied or described?

[O]PPRESSION: is this person, perhaps, talking about a form of oppression they experience and are attempting to resist?

[U]SEFULNESS: why do you think this statement is useful for the person making it? How might it be helpful to people different than you, such as people who might feel alone in their negative experiences with psychiatry? In contrast, what use does talking shit provide you or others?

[R]ELEVANCE: be real. Does this statement have anything to do with you, at all?

[S]YSTEMIC: how might this statement challenge authority? With governments funding psychiatric programs and courts ordering psychiatric treatment, where does the actual balance of power lie?

[E]FFECT: Is this statement actually hurting you? Does it, or what it proposes, stand to benefit other people? Could it even be beneficial to YOU in some way? Be creative! Doctors don't actually make the medications they prescribe; if you didn't have a psychiatrist prescribing you Adderall, you could be a lot freer to take the dosage you want when you want it!

[L]EAVE IT ALONE: there are lots of other cool posts on the internet and fun conversations to have.

[F]RAGILITY: are you asking other people to sacrifice their interests for your comfort or periceved sense of safety?

If you get through the whole skill and still wanna add some asinine shit: go ahead and KILL YOURSELF!

[heretodestroyou]

heart-shaped sunglasses.

pairing(s); matthew lillard!william afton x reader

fandom; five nights at freddy’s [movie]

w/c; 592

trigger/content warnings; slightly unholy thoughts from william about you in your uniform, fem!reader, (reader wears lipstick, has boobs, is called 'girl' by william and has medium-length hair), heavy lana del rey influences (diet mountain dew), mentioned that reader smokes cigarettes, age gap (william is late 40s, reader is mid 20s), no explicit romance but it's heavily implied there's mutual pining, written from william's pov, reader knows his real name, not proof-read, NO use of y/n, lmk if i missed anything.

stella speaks! at this point someone reblogs/tags me in a shitpost about this man, i add tags while my brain is inconsolably horny, and then all of a sudden i'm writing a new draft. and yes, ik lana wasn't really a thing in 1990s, but for now let's pretend he's still a silver fox in the 2020s.

tags; @truecobblepot bc ofc🫶🏽🫶🏽

inspired by this post and the shenanigans that ensued.

“I just wanted to know how much I appreciate you staying late these past couple weeks.”

William’s voice is smooth, he’s demeanor calm, the slight tilt of his head and the casual clasp of his hands in front of him giving no hint to the turmoil in his brain.

You’re his employee. His best employee, no less. He can’t afford to lose you, to drive you away. So he’ll make sure you’re not looking him in the eye when his roam your body.

The words that come from your mouth are sincere. He knows this. He doesn’t much care in this moment however. That red vest is pulled across your breasts, and the top button of your shirt is undone, your tie looser now that the building is empty.

It’s his fault, how tight your uniform is on you. He has your size on file, but he always orders a size down, just for him. He doesn’t pay mind to the way teenage pizza boys and older brothers here with siblings watch you, because he knows he’s miles better than they are.

His eyes linger in the plastic heart-shaped sunglasses hanging from your collar, and he nods towards them. “And those? I do hope you haven’t been wearing those all day.”

It’s a gentle correction. No matter how much William favors you, he still must keep his image up. You shake your head. “No, I just got them out of my locker when I closed up with Robyn.”

“Where did you get them?” He asks, leaning forward. The movement is subtle, but he knows you catch it.

“It was a gag gift from some party,” you answer, taking them off your vest and sliding them on. William's breath barely catches in his throat. The frames are the same shade as the blood red lipstick you love wearing.

It’s your signature. It’s how he knows you’ve been in the break room, paper coffee and water cups stamped with your lips in the trash, lipstick printed cigarette buts in the back alleyway that he’s convinced himself are prettier than anyone else’s.

William's brain is rapid firing all kinds of signals, ranging from you're nearly 20 years younger than him, to why have I never felt this was about my ex-wife?

Everything about you seems to catered to William's preferences. You hold eye contact with him and customers, you're great with kids (including his!), and you actually appreciate the care he takes of his animatronics.

He chuckles as you look around his dim office with your heart-shaped sunglasses. "Well, now, look at you. Never was there ever a girl so pretty." You giggle, tugging on a strand of hair and sliding them up into your hair. "That's so sweet, Mr. Afton!" William chuckles. You're picture perfect and William is damn well aware that he's no good for you. "Please, call me William. It's only fitting that we remain on first name basis...as of your promotion to assistant manager."

Your eyes widen, and you let out a little gasp. "Do you really mean that, Mr. Af-- William?"

God, the way your lips form his name is intoxicating. He nods, his demeanor wavering slightly as you beam at him, thanking him.

It’s a power move, he knows. A selfish one, no less. But he can’t risk losing the one competent employee. And besides, the assistant manager’s uniform is closer to his, the pale purple shirt and darker tie, black slacks and black shoes (of your choosing, of course).

And who is he to deny himself that view?

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

Your recent banner change gave me some Jason thots:

When he kidnaps you and takes your phone to impersonate you so that ppl won’t notice you’re gone, he’ll occasionally go through it as a way to connect with the you that was apart from him for all these years. He’s looking through your photos, apps, random notes you’ve written, and even your internet history, wanting to drink in everything that makes you YOU

He’s so happy when he sees that you still have the photos you took of him/with him back when he was “alive” and tries not to tear up when he sees that shortly after he went missing you sent him many worried texts: “where are you????” “pls respond” “I’m so worried”. When you think he died you kept sending messages to his number before it got disconnected: “I miss you” “I love you, Jason”

He smiles fondly when he sees that the way you write/the emojis you is are still the same. Anything mundane such as a grocery list or random thoughts that you wrote in your notes app are like poetry to him. When he looks at your internet history and notices particular products you’ve looked at with interest but didn’t buy he makes a mental note to spoil you with them later. You get a little suspicious when he gifts you clothes that you had looked at online before

He grits his teeth at the text messages he reads between you and Bruce, seeing that you were still friendly and polite to him. He doesn’t hold it against you though, but a part of him was hoping that you’d share his feelings about Bruce and be hostile towards him

And let’s be real he finds a way to look at your internet history while you used a private browser. Gets a little turned on when he sees the sex toys you pursued or the erotic you read online. Cryptically mentions that you don’t need “all of that” anymore now that he’s back with you and you’re just like ????

This is so angsty and sweet AAAAAAA

This is so dumb but I love the idea of the DC Universe having a superhero equivalent of like. Encyclopedia Dramatica. Or an image board dedicated to supervillain and superhero lolcows that Darling browses

Like Jason sees them shitposting about Riddler and it just brings a dumb smile to his face

Tbh Gothamites using social media to post about the capes in their community kills me. Like Darling posts a pic of an empty paint section at Home Depot and captions it "bruh I just wanted to repaint my kitchen chairs and all the green shades are gone 😭 #ThanksRiddler"

[cyberphuck]

ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED: PART ONE My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about Robin Hobb’s Farseer Trilogy, but they don’t want to actually have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them (and you)! When we last left Fitzy-Fitz, it was a really fucking long time ago, sorry, I stopped going to church and learned to chainsmoke (and this book is LONG, I mean it’s LOOOOOOONG, so I kept avoiding getting started on Abridging it, lmao). You can brush up on the frankly insane amount of different characters here at the Royal Assassin Cast of Characters post, or find the links to the rest of the Farseer Trilogy Abridged series here at this link here.

- Fitz awakens one fine October morning in a bed at Jhaampe hospital, where he's been recovering from being poisoned and poisoned and bludgeoned and kicked and drowned. At first he was having eighty seizures a day, but now that it's down to only twenty-five seizures a day, he and Burrich figure it's high time for the two of them to skedaddle before they get snowed in.

  Then, exactly like that scene in Attack on Titan where Eren reaches for a spoon and accidentally turns into a Titan, Fitz drops a spoon and accidentally turns into a seizure. It's a lot less cool. He wakes up hours later back in the same damn hospital bed with Jonqui the King's Sister and now healer sitting beside him.

  "This sucks," he whines.

  "Time heals all wounds, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says sagely.

  "Shut the fuck up. I'm fifteen and obviously know a lot more than you about healing, and I've decided I'm never going to get better."

  Burrich strides healthily into the room with a swanky new skunk stripe in his hair where his skull was recently cracked open. "What-ho, Lil Accident, are you ready to go back to Buckkeep?"

  "No. Everybody's gonna make fun of me. You go back without me."

  "So long as you wear that collar," Burrich says solemnly, "I must follow you."

  Fitz touches the black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "The way you followed my father?"

  "Yes."

  "Was it like, a sex thing?"

  Burrich, who has enough hidden piercings to set off a metal detector at twenty paces, asks, "Are we going back to Buckkeep or what? I'm getting kind of bored sitting here watching you do the Harlem Shake."

  "Also, I heard that Molly's candle shop was foreclosed on and she had to go live with relatives in a town that's about to be raided by Vikings," The Fool says from under the bed.

  "Gosh, I wish I could talk to King Shrewd or the Fool or find out what's happening to Molly," Fitz sighs, then sits up as the room fills with the wavy lines and harp glissando of a dream sequence.

  "Wake up, King Shrewd," the Fool says. He's sitting on a chair, not under the bed or in a hay bale for once, and Fitz finds it extremely disturbing.

  "Fool? What are you doing here?"

  "Oh, King Shrewd and not Fitz, I have to be here because you're sick and old," the Fool fools. "Here, let me fluff your pillows and feed you soup."

  "This is so weird," Shrewd-Fitz says. "I feel like... oh, the Skill line is ringing. What? Vikings are viking Siltbay so late in the fall?"

  "You know, it's creepy when you talk to yourself like that," the Fool mutters.

  But Shitz (Shrewd-Fitz) is already on a Skill video call, watching the Red-Ship Raiders pulling up onto the coast. Vikings run through the town, viking everything in sight. The raiders are wading through blood up to their knees, people are running around headless and on fire, it's awful. The raiders aren't even stealing anything-- they're just wrecking stuff, which anyone who's been to a Raiders game can attest to (go Cowboys).

  "Fool," Shitz says. "You can see the future, right?"

  "This is a weird time to reveal that particular nugget of information, but sure. Let's see... ah, yes. I see a bard who can't fucking read the room trying to find a rhyme for 'dismembered child.' That is not something Jaydee made up, it's a real line from the book."

  "Thank you, Fool, that's extremely fucked up," Shitz says. "Oh wait, who's this on the video call... It's Molly! Oh SHIT, it's Molly and Vikings are going to vike her!"

  But Molly wasn't called Molly Nosebleed as a kid because she's a trembling little violet. A Viking tries to vike her and she stabs him to death, whirls around and shouts "WHO WANTS SOME, MOTHERFUCKERS?!"

  Then a house falls on her.

  "Oh god, oh fuck," Shitz says, panicking. "Fool, use your future vision and tell me if Molly's okay!"

  "A bunch of women died in a bunch of horrible ways," the Fool says. "Do you want me to list them?"

  "No," Shitz says, and so the Fool doesn't spend two pages describing the graphic sexual assault, murder, and maiming of a bunch of townsfolk. Shitz sits back in his bed. "Run off and let Verity know Siltbay is being viked."

  Ever loyal, the Fool cartwheels down the stairs. Then Shitz sighs and says, "Man, being old sucks."

  "Yes it does, so quit your fucking whining about your little seizures and come home," Shrewd says, and ends the Skill call.

  The next morning, Fitz-Fitz packs up his stuff and heads out with Burrich and Hands to make the long boring trip back to Buckkeep.

The return to Buckkeep sucks especially hard because they have to take the 99 instead of the I-5 like last time, and Fitz is getting carsick. Along the way they keep having to stay in incredibly sketch Super 8s, which wouldn't be that bad (free soap and free weird smells!) but Burrich and Hands overhear someone standing out in the hallway talking loudly on their phone about how much King Shrewd fucking sucks.

  "Yeah he keeps raising taxes to 'defend our country' or whatever but Vikings are still viking the beach towns as much as they want," had said the Buckboi in the hallway. "You know who rules, though, Prince Regal!"

  "What towns did Buckboi say were viked?" Fitz asks.

  "A town no one cares about," Hands answers solemnly, "and the one where Molly had a house fall on her."

  After that incident, Burrich decides that they're gonna make the rest of the trip using surface streets and driving through people's yards. "If Regal finds out you're out here, he'll send someone to kill you," Burrich explains. "Verity's definitely not gonna protect you."

  "Is that because he consistently sees me as a tool first and a family member and human being second?"

  "Look," Hands interrupts. "I see Buckkeep-shaped lights in the distance." They ride up to the gates, which are guarded by a kid who was born a thousand years too early to be the squeaky-voiced teen working at the drive-thru. “Halt,” he squeaks. “Who the fuck are you?“

  Burrich scoffs. ”Who the fuck are YOU?“

  ”I asked you first!“

  ”I asked you sec—“

  ”All right, all right, who's holding up the line?“ The last book had a rich and exhausting cast of random extras murmuring in the background, but this one used all of their budget on talking CGI wolves, so they had to fire most of them and give almost all of their lines to Blade, The Guard Captain. His job is to appear at important moments and say things like 'hear, hear!' and 'how big WAS she?' “Holy shit, it's Burrich! Twitter said you and Chivalry's Post Nut Regret were dead!”

  “It's called X now,” Fitz says, emerging dramatically from the shadows.

  “Oh.” Blade says, while four of the other guards die of secondhand embarrassment. “H-hi, Chivalry's Pos... I mean... Fitz. You uh. Did you have a nice trip? Hey, you... did something with your hair, it looks... it looks good!”

  “Prince Regal was going around telling everyone I was dead, wasn't he,” Fitz says flatly.

  “Sometimes I can still hear his voice,“ Regal sighs from somewhere in the castle.

  ”What? No. What?? No! What?! No!“ Blade laughs as six more guards thud to the ground. ”No, of course not! It was just, you know, like, you know. YOU know. You know. I didn't really believe you were dead, I did retweet the link Regal posted but I commented with 'big if true,' so it wasn't really...”

  Fitz smiles. “Ho ho ho, Captain, don't worry your sweet little tits about it. Everyone falls victim to misinformation from time to time, and I accept the apology I assume you were about to provide me. Do carry about your business.”

  Halfway up to the stables, Burrich pulls Fitz aside. “Listen, Lil Accident, we're not at Grandma's house anymore,” he hisses. “You can't talk to people like you matter or Regal's gonna get his panties in a knot about it.”

  “And then he'll choke me,” Fitz agrees.

  “What?”

  “With his knotted up panties.“

  ”I'm also still alive,“ Hands offers after a long silence. ”Fitz, you're too weak and pathetic to wax your own horse, let me do it.“

  ”But...“

  ”Come on, Fitz, let Hands, my new favorite child, take care of the important work.“ Burrich takes Fitz's arm. ”Now go on up to the castle, that collar is making everybody question their sexuality.“

  ”What's a sexuality?“ Fitz asks, just before he's shoved into the castle, screen door banging behind him.

  Inside, Fitz looks around and notices that the place looks cleaner than it had before he'd left on the world's worst road trip. All the beer cans and ash trays have been cleaned up, someone's taken down the band posters and put up tasteful watercolors of succulents, and the 'NICE COCK' that had been scrawled above the toilet has been replaced with 'live laugh love.'

  ”Wrow,“ muses Fitz as he passes a sign on Verity's door that reads 'IF THE WARSHIP'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-KNOCKIN'. ”I'm kinda gonna miss the crusty sock smell. Good thing my room still reeks like teenaged boy.“

[taxidermycanine]

WELCOME TO MY KIN-BLOG . MEET ME BELOW

my name is jackal, i am 19 and a wolf therian. i go by it/its prns (though he/him and rot/rots work well too) and have various mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, DID and BPD. please be patient with me as i experience severe amnesia due to this.

i post about various things, but mainly stick to my experiences as a therian (and therian shitposting). and as my username suggests, i am very interested in taxidermy, which means you will likely find quite a lot of the sorts in my blog :0}

LIST OF TAGS I USE — ALWAYS ADDING MORE

confessions of the dog —➤ personal posts, relatable therian stuff, overall experiences. mainly used by jackal

fox yips —➤ fox therian stuff, personal posts. mainly used by fox

boof boofs —➤ domestic dog therian posting, funnies, mainly used by boof

taxidermy —➤ used to warn others that there will be taxidermy related content in a post (such as images, descriptions or future projects)

corpse tw —➤ to warn people that there is an image of an animal corpse in my post (such as this one). I WILL NEVER POST HUMAN CORPSES

jackal.txt —➤ for when jackal (the alter) answers a question :0}

fox.txt —➤ for when fox (the alter) answers a question :>

boof.txt —➤ for when boof (the alter) answers a question :O<

IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTE

i block freely and often forget to follow others back when i mean to do so

i do not go into detail about my mental illnesses, though sometimes a few of my alters will post on this account too as we are — for the most part — all collectively therians

whilst i am open to making friends on here please know that i am very socially awkward and will also forget to respond to your messages at time if you do not continue to do so. i am trying my best to get better at this

i view myself as physically nonhuman and am trying to distance myself from the p-shifting community for my own safety

sometimes i forget where i get images from, please let me know if i accidentally post someone elses image without credit. i don't mean to and it's always accidental, not out of malicious intent

DNI / BOUNDARIES

as i am an adult i would prefer if those under 15 did not follow me

please use common sense before following my account. i am a therian blog, if you post about real human gore then i obviously don't want you following me

i block and unfollow freely. if you are blocked it's likely that you didn't do anything wrong, please do not take it personally

i do not want anyone flirting with me. i am married and this makes both me and my mate uncomfortable

[kimbapisnotsushi]

here are some more miscellaneous post-ts headcanons but this time we're not going pro teams we're taking a walk on the side of your average working adult let's go!!

okay let's be real do we REALLY think lev is in charge of his own social media accounts bc i feel like that's a dumpster fire waiting to happen

i'm going to say yes because it's funny as hell

he tweets things like "lol i worked with [insert older veteran actor here] today i had no idea he was such an asshole" and gets frantic phone calls from the pr team like three seconds after posting

his instagram is also full of like. really blurry casual pics and just doesn't look professionally curated at all but the fans love him for it

i'm actually super curious as to whether he gets typecasted a lot and if so i'd love to know what it is

i want to say goofy comic relief side character?? so when he gets selected for a serious drama role nobody is expecting him to blow it out of the water but he does!!!!!!

also another thing lev does that gives his pr team a heart attack is when he posts anything vaguely related to his love life. which funnily enough are the only quality non-shitposts he does himself

like you've got the aesthetic silhouettes against a wall, the hands intertwined on a candlelit table, the vague tweets of "so lucky to wake up next to you. wish it would never end <3" and everyone's going WILD trying to figure out who it is

(and, well, nobody is going to notice shibayama yuuki liking the posts amidst all the other pro volleyball players who do, right?)

shirabu's got a rep in med school for having the worst fucking bedside manner of all time

well not really i think he's like. the kind where fellow/older colleagues and such judge him for it and they think that he could stand to be a LITTLE bit nicer but if he works with kids or whatever i bet the kids would actually really like him.

he's dry and straightforward and calm and takes them seriously and treats them like adults. the only thing he does to baby them is dumb down the medical jargon into an explanation they can actually understand

ugh shirabu actually makes me really soft for what an asshole he is

oh but if you're a bitch ass bastard for no reason he'll try to be as snarky as he can be without like. getting reported to hr or whatever

sorry i know this probably isn't how medical professionalism works irl once again i just think it'd be really funny

also can i just say that i think it's the funniest fucking thing that komi became an actor. like where the hell did THAT come from

i feel like he got thrust into doing a role for a class play during cultural festival season and got hooked on it probably? because literally when else would he have the time to get into/practice that kind of shit

that's probably a fun fact he drops during a magazine interview or something LMAAAAO

"yeah volleyball practice took up most of my time, and i never really thought about doing anything else. but then things changed in my third year of high school when i got cast for cinderella . . ."

speaking of fukurodani. yukie and kaori my beloveds

i skipped out on them during my managers post which i regret deeply and dearly so here they are!!

full disclaimer i don't know how sports promoters actually work i'm assuming they promote whatever sports games they are assigned instead of just sticking to one sport only? which means that whenever kaorie gets her hands on something that isn't volleyball she gets a dozen texts from bokuto moaning about betrayal and treason and all that

when kaori gets with someone she meets through work (so someone on a pro sports team) the rest of fukurodani are like "okay but he's a BASEBALL PLAYER" as if being a baseball player is the most atrocious thing a person could be

kaori's like "guys come ON i told him all of you were cool!" and everyone's like "now why in the world would you tell him that"

yukie has a decently popular cooking channel that is loved not for her yummy recipes or her aesthetic filming but because none of her kitchenware matches

she just collects whatever she likes + a bunch of shit that's been gifted to her and while it should make her kitchen look cluttered it's all just very cozy and lived-in

like. all her pots and pans are different colors and themes. no pair of chopsticks are the same. she has a ladle shaped like a dinosaur and a teapot glazed with magnolias on the side

her recipes DO slap tho she and osamu collab a lot

UGH i love them living nice fulfilling adult lives i wish that were me

[thesherrinfordfacility]

please note that this is a pre-s2 masterpost; new one can be found here.

contrary to popular belief i am actually capable of writing up genuine theories about s2, but they are still wonderfully feral and unhinged in both tone and nature, so voila welcome to ✨rhi's crackpot speculation/meta masterpost✨ featuring some very special guests that are way more insightful and clever than me

note: contains spoilers

d-day edit: lmao let's sort this shitpit out🍲

old post-s2/s3-relevant metas etc but they didn't make it to the final cut of the new masterpost:

BIT NERVOUS about this being linked but fuck it, i didn't like the first two eps INITIALLY but in my defence i learnt the error of my ways and consider it to have been prime's fault

thoughts on s3 in the immediate aftermath

i heard you calling from across the ether for some whump material so i wrote some

also i meta-girlbossed a bit too close to the sun with recontextualising the lion/adam/eve parallels in s1e1 now that we know what we know about aziraphale and crowley pre-fall

someone shared their opinion about the playlists with me then i blacked out and when i came to there was meta

i got big feelings™ about the argument clip in that aziraphale is honestly just a nice man doing his fucking best (not a prediction but just a wee rant)

s2 live commentaries bc im sorry reading these back is GOLD:

episode 1/2 (lumped together bc i went to a screening) (also neil liked this and i feel exposed the poor guy had to read this??? over all the other somewhat intelligent stuff on my blog??? this is what he went for???? man's WILD ✨)

episode 3

episode 4

episode 5

episode 6 (lmao)

and then basically anything else, mostly all pre-s2 so have a read and laugh at me, it's ok honest

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this one made me tear up a bit because i live on a diet of bagels and aziraphale/crowley biblical whump material LMAO AM I APOLLO????

(as amended) the one where my entire theory on aziraphale and crowley's angst for s2 is predicted based on the length of his ridiculous (see: delicious) sideburns

an earlier musing on the plot of like the first three episodes (fuck it let's be real i'm just blueprinting a fanfic in this post)

by all accounts crowley is not, in fact, james bond

the second coming gets fucked up bc gabriel is a pussy ass bitch

✨✨SDCC/NYC✨✨ people pls read this and talk to me about it bc I'm losing it everyone else just shh and read silently for a minute ill get to you in a sec okay id still love to know what happened at the sdcc screening but i went to my own one in the uk and what i saw has done nothing to dissuade me from this theory im sorry

lol haven't updated this post in a hot minute but this is the SMOOCHY prediction

i told y'all crowley was getting hit by the cozzy livs and now my boy has to work in a pub, liz truss i hope ur happy

if i must suffer then you must suffer also thems the rules

✨✨live feed of my breakdown over the episode titles✨✨

a wee romantic shitpost about ep5 but im adding it in here for posterity bc if this does happen im going to simply decease

this was birthed from the above but with ep2(?) spoiler context

IS GOOB JESUS?????

i have a sinking feeling that crowley may be a double agent and honestly that's not very james bond of him

segue from the above, someone really cleverly came up with the thought after the wanted posters that crowley is involved in hell descending on the bookshop to get gabriel and was rewarded with duke of hell (hence the art of him on a throne) and i latched on like a fucking barnacle

I cry

(also as amended lmao) my rhetoric on how unequipped aziraphale is to handle intense gay panic god bless this mess this lil funky dude

i have now done so many speculation posts about the 40s that it feels like groundhog day but if prime insist on feeding me 40s content then that's their own damn fault (but this one is the most recent and where I'm currently at so read this one first)

(older) a tinfoil hat inspection of anything related to ww2!husbands, magician aziraphale, and the Dinner of '41

(older again) extended-Dinner of '41 analysis in the context of s1e3

once upon a time aziraphale and crowley fucked up the ineffable plan by not getting together in 1941 and god wasn't happy about it and everything went tits up, the end

a simple humble commentary on how the trailer was put together and a warning to not trust a single thing prime tells us

okay it's not s2 related but i had a bit of wine and a small heartbreak over their first meeting in the beginning and now any other method of therapy is redundant

and last but certainly not least (not for the moment anyway, there's a few more feet to descend before we truly scrape the bottom of the unholy barrel that is my psyche) we encounter the deranged, manic, unbalanced and frankly disturbed commentary i birthed in response to The Spoiler

enjoy, my boos ✨

[prettyboykatsuki]

*tips cowboy hat over eyes while staring wistfully into the distance* things just aint the same around these parts no more...not since... *trails off meaningfully so you can tell i have woes too deep for one soul to burden on its own* ...since prettyboykatsuki disappeared from town. *you attempt to walk away but i chuckle ruefully with the intention of not letting you leave without hearing my lamenting* they were truly the life and soul of the dash. no one could capture a room's- the dash's - attention quite like their zany isagi thirst posts could. we'd shitpost and laugh and viciously express our desires for sexy 2d pixels until the sun rose the next day. i'm sure you've heard of their legendary bakugou fics? *i turn towards you expectantly and you shake your head at me, fully shaking at this point because you're convinced i'm an asylum escapee* no? ah, well. i'd offer to read one for you but...i could never capture the essence of the dialogue and erotic scenes by just reading it aloud. *you try to ask me where the nearest police station is but i reach into my assless chaps' pocket and pull out a budweiser and you're promptly silenced* truthfully, i was too busy reblogging their omega fics to ask what their favourite drink was so this'll have to do. i know this definitely won't be their favourite but it's the only thing i could grab from the gas station before they saw me and called the sheriff. *you wonder if the sheriff i'm referring to is the cardboard cutout of dwayne the rock johnson standing upright a few yards away that i've duct taped a png. of a cowboy hat to and wrote in marker 'sheriff' on the nipple area* prettyboykatsuki... *i sigh like i have the weight of the world on my feeble poncho covered shoulders and take a swig of the pissy acidic vaguely apple flavoured but shitty apple not the nice kind of apple beer* this one's for you. *i pour a modest stream of the atrocious beverage onto the ground, but the harsh wind intercepts it and drenches you in the liquid* hm. *i feel awkward and i can sense you know that i feel awkward so i stand up abruptly while attempting to maintain my mysterious façade. you ask me if prettyboykatsuki was buried (or something?) where i poured the beer because thats what people usually do at funerals when theyre saying their goodbyes but i simply titter at you like you've asked the most braindead question i've ever received* no, partner... *i turn away from you and you let out a sigh of relief so loud and gargantuan that i definitely hear it and feel a little hurt but show no signs of it because im built different* prettyboykatsuki's everywhere. *i trail off extra mysteriously and walk away from you in the middle of the road where i'm definitely going to get hit if i don't move but i keep walking and you don't want to get into another interaction with me so you just keep watching and i never really go out of sight because the road is one straight flat like so i'm just uncomfortably walking slow paced in plain sight so it doesnt feel dramatic and i'm getting sand in my eyes and keep having to speed up to avoid tumbleweeds so it looks awkward but we both don't say anything because at this point i'm 50 metres away so we accept the moment for what it is, and it's beautiful*

'you' - a random innocent bystander i'm subjecting my troubles to (troubles being u being gone from the dash for a couple of hours)

i typed this in 20 minutes and my shoulder is aching bcos i was going so fast holy shiiiii.

in my entire two years active on this blog, no single ask has ever made me laugh to the point of literal sobbing tears. no amount of keyboard smashing could do my real life reaction justice. like im laughing to the point of almost puking my dinner up. this is the funniest thing ive ever read in my life. im pinning this next time i go on hiatus. im fucking crying.

[frostythefrostedfox]

After my most recent rewatching of the Frontiers cutscenes for other purposes (making fun of how bad they are), I have noticed something, something that let me to have a new headcanon

One that y'all will be forced to read right now, whether you like it or not, and the worst part is that I have evidence of what I am saying, kind of, because this isn't a very serious headcanon, this is just shitposting.

When Sonic first comes across Knuckles, this is the face he makes

They talk for like 1 minute, knuckles punches sonic's hand and this is the face he makes

Knuckles replies with this face

Sonic immediately replies with this face

And then right after they have a staring contest doing these faces

When attacked by Sage, sonic dismises knuckle's advise by doing this face

By the end of his story, they stare at each other like this for like a minute before doing something else

And this is what they do literally on the next scene, like the very next one.

So why did I filled this post with many many pics of sus faces by sonic and knuckles?

Well, because they are the base of my headcanon

Sonic and Knuckles are totally fucking, and not even like on the side type of thing, no, these two are fucking fucking, like fuckbuddies but more bros, fuckbros if you will, they don't say anything about it but everyone that is their true adventure companion or spends enough time with them knows, like Tails, but nobody minds, its their thing and it kinda fits them, everything is a competition with these two dorks

But wait, I hear you say (Actually no), what about Rouge, isn't Knuckles dating her? Well yes! And why you act like those two things are mutually exclusive? Rouge knows, actually she knew even before getting on her thing with Knuckles, and she supports it, the bat is by far one of the oldest characters around besides Big and Vanilla, so she has seen a hell of a lot, and besides, for the type of shit she gets up to, this is like entry level, trust me, you don't wanna go there; she thinks its funny to see the lenghts these two are actually willing to go just to one up the other, she even openly comments about it when in the company of either of these two or someone else that knows, because when you know, you know.

That brings me to my next point, the reason why Sonamy has never been canon other than teasing and baiting, it's because Amy doesn't knows, and Sonic knows that she wouldn't get it, she is younger than Sonic, and her whole life has been pretty normal and average, so why any of these things would ever cross her mind? Sonic thinks that hanging out with Amy is cool and all, and he probably thinks she is cute and so on and so on, but its just more than that, she just wouldn't get it, and that's a problem, so that's why Sonic never took things that far or went serious mode with it.

What about Shadow? Not only he knows, he is also included on the shit, what? Are you for real gonna tell me that these two don't become like 90% gayer on the presence of one another, he is also a hot headed mess that won't give an inch to Sonic because not beating him means losing to him, so he also gets down on that zaza. Oh and BTW, Rouge knows of Shad's involvement too, she encourages it actually, like some sort of enabler of kinkyness, which is the type of friend that everyone needs and everyone should have.

I hope that y'all hated this, if you did then that means I did it right, this is why I shouldn't have the freedom to simply post whatever crosses my mind, follow me for more weird and crack headcanons of any and every franchise.

If you didn't hated this, thought it was funny or actually agree, congrats, you're one of the real ones, mostly because you know I'm saying facts right here

I won't be taking questions, and I won't be changing my mind

[tsukimefuku]

Overdue introduction post

She/Her • bi/pan • AuDHD non-monogamous lady • professional tinkerer • this year I’m gonna be unstable unstoppable

If you like anything I write, please leave a comment. I do my best answer each and every one made :)

I don’t usually take requests because I came back to writing in order to let my AuDHD run wild like a toddler with a pair of scissors, completely unbound by earthly restraints. However, I do take suggestions, if you’d like to send one in my Asks.

Pen name and meaning: Tsukime Fuku or Fuku-Chan. I wanted something to resemble the owl I feel like, most of the time (I have terrible sleeping issues). Fukurou (梟) in Japanese means Owl, so I just decided to shorten it in katakana (フク). I wrote Tsukime in kanji (疲明) mixing up the gloomy and tired aspect from “Tsuki” with the bright one from “Me”. I’m a tired, gloomy, somewhat optimistic millenial owl.

My letters from the LGBTQIAP+ community: B for kissing multiple genders and A for demisexual (I can’t spell, sorry). Also, I’ve got a wife.

Where I’m from: A country well known for being God's wild random sandbox experiment 🇧🇷 For that reason, English is not my native language (you can communicate with me in Portuguese, Spanish and English. If by any chance you say something in Italian, please make it three-year-old friendly).

Current fandoms: Jujutsu Kaisen (main) and Hazbin Hotel (secondary).

Former or everlasting fandoms: Death Note, Fullmetal Alchemist, flanaverse, Bojack Horseman, Rurouni Kenshin, Avatar (both The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra — I’m a Korra stan), Sherlock (books, stories, and BBC Series), Steven Universe, House MD, Supernatural, and other things I’ll add as I remember them.

Favorite genres of fiction: murder/mystery (b1tch! grew up reading Sherlock), terror, horror, drama and millennial comedy / dark humor. Currently, I’ve been getting into smutty fiction and rather enjoying it. I also want to write some chick lit stories, so...

Fun(?) facts about me I had enough time to come up with, instead of nervously sweating in the middle of a date thinking about them (this might get updated regularly, but probably won't - most recent will be at the bottom of the list):

Yes, I’m a criminal defense attorney. I love and hate my job multiple times a day.

I have a deranged type of humor (it's because of my inner demons. They have many voices. One of them is Carol)

I am unhinged and shitpost like a hell spawn. That's not a fun fact, it's a warning

I'm controlled by a monkey with a typewriter that lives inside my head. It feeds off of my anxiety during the day, then gives it back to me at night. It's lovely.

My writing process goes about like this: I get an idea. It plagues my every waking moment. If I don't write it, I realistically believe it might consume me into oblivion. So I write. Should I write because it's fun? Sure. Do I write to quench the thirst for dopamine of my inner demons (that have many voices, one of them is Carol)? Absolutely.

I got diagnosed with ADHD in my early 20's, and autism in my late 20's. These were definitely my roaring 20's, and we don't talk about it.

I try to be a kind person when I can. As a lady in her late 20's with some life and trauma experience involving mental illnesses, addiction, grief, and much more, you can always DM me if by any chance you need to talk about anything. I don't bite (much).

I realized I've been chatting with an online acquaintance that lives with a 12+ hour difference. That's how fucked my sleep schedule is — you can't fuck up your sleep schedule if you have none, amiright?

I need a soundtrack for everything I'm doing. It makes talking to people in real life very difficult.

I never know what day of the month it is. It's led me to receive happy birthday's unannounced and feel very confused at the people congratulating me on "my special day". I had done nothing special. It made no sense.

I tend to write very fast. It's the monkey's fault.

My most unpopular opinion: HIMYM ending was the correct choice, and made perfect sense for Ted and Robin.

My favorite quotes in English are the ending to The Great Gatsby (“so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”) and a tidbit from Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest (“Truth is rarely pure and never simple”).

My favorite poem of all time is "Tabacaria" by Fernando Pessoa.

Something you’ll NEVER see me writing in love stories is romanticized jealousy and possessiveness. Everyone has their thing, but that’s really not mine, and I don’t enjoy writing it. When I DO write about jealousy, I like to explore the underlying insecurity and pain behind it.

I’m here to spread the non-monogamy queer agenda.

If you read this through the end, thank you, and I'm slightly concerned for your mental well-being. Come on over and have a cup of tea.

🦉

[fotibrit]

I'm sorry, but HOW do you post every day. I manage a different side blog that posts twice a day, but by now, they're mainly shitposts just to get content out while I stress over school. How do you come up with so many prompts???

Hi! Thank you so so much for sending an ask, and I especially love this question because I actually have an answer for it. I get to ramble about my thesis!!! The answer will be unnecessarily long and undoubtedly will go off on tangents. I’m so sorry. You’ve been warned.

The short answer is that I really like philosophy and that I post whatever comes to mind. The long answer will be below the cutoff, it is long lol

There’s a decent amount of people following my blog who do not know anything about me, so for those people, nice to meet you! Welcome to a peak behind the curtains! I go by Brit or Ae. I’ve been in fandom spaces for a little under a decade, and I’m studying to be a philosophy professor.

Seeing as I am studying philosophy, I’ve had to develop my own worldview and ideas about humanity pretty extensively. I am currently working on my thesis, writing about my theory of universal passion.

By universal passion, I mean that every person has the ability to be passionate about any given object, concept, being, you name it. Any person can be passionate about (or, have a vested interest in) any given thing, if put in the right circumstance.

By anything, I mean anything. A molecule of dust. A fallen leaf. Broken pencil lead. Any person could be emotionally attached to any matter or concept with which they come into context, however small, in the right circumstance.

Imagine a pinboard, like the detectives have in cheesy TV shows, except every single person on earth is represented by a pin on the left, and every item or concept is represented by a pin on the right. Now, we’ve got our basic strings of connection, formed by canon. Peter Parker, on the left, is connected to his Spider-Suit, on the right. Let’s imagine a string connecting Peter’s pin to the pin of his suit.

I theorize that there is also potential for string to connect Peter’s pin to, let’s say, the coffee mug in the background of one scene in AoU. And to Bucky’s left shoe. and to the railing on top of Stark Tower. It’s just up to us to figure out exactly how those strings could form, how those connections could be made.

It’s up to us to decide the circumstance that could, in theory (or in fanfic lol) tie a person to an object, even if they never come into contact.

That is my theory of universal passion. (i’m still working on wording it, obviously lol)

Now, for how that relates to my blog.

Fun fact: I have never queued a post, ever. I don’t even know how. I post in real time, mostly because I’m too lazy to learn how queueing works.

Almost all of my posts are created because I think of a concept (usually something in my vicinity) and try to think of a circumstance in which a character (lets be real, usually Peter or Tony) would be passionate about that concept. I apply my theory of universal passion, finding a way to tie string from the character to the concept.

For each thing you interact with (and everyone interacts with SOMETHING every day, even if that thing is just the floor), a new prompt can be made. All it takes is imagination, to come up with a situation in which the character would care very deeply about that item or concept.

You’ve got to imagine the string. You have to trust it is there, and find where it exists. It is there. Believe me. Every character can be connected to every item, you just have to put them in a circumstance where they care about it.

The tour guide post, about Tony occasionally becoming a tour guide when bored, was written while I was on a tour. I was curious how I could make the topic of “tour guides” relate to irondad. The post from a while ago about Peter trying to create the perfect playlist for lab nights was written while I tried to make the perfect playlist for a long car ride with friends. I just found a way to make the characters care about the topic of “playlists”. I post every day because I consider the objects/concepts I am interacting with and I come up with ways the characters would interact with them.

It sounds ridiculous, that even a single molecule of air can be of interest to someone, but how could you manipulate the circumstance to make it important? I’m planning on writing my thesis on universal passion, how every single thing in the world is worth caring very, very much for, but only if a person is put in the proper circumstances in which that thing builds off their previous experience to spark passion.

In the meantime, though, my theory is fun to write silly little irondad prompts with. If anyone has any suggestions of items/themes/concepts that you want turned into a prompt, feel free to send an ask!

[lqfiles]

ANON WHO BROUGHT UP LUCAS THANK U I WAS ITCHING TO TALK AB HIM BUT I WAS SOOO SCARED BC i didn’t know if it was a safe space free of lumis or not…

my ig feels kinda curated to show me content of him there’s so much of his stans there compared to tiktok and the specific posts im getting is like “dreamies winning for smoothie!! …lucas in the back🥺💔” OR “dejun introducing lucas for his stage🥺🥺” SHUUTTT UPPPPP

it’s especially aggravating when there are situations in the industry that were far less impactful than his allegations the ones i’m thinking of specifically is soojin ex gidle as well as chuu have not promoted on music shows BUT WITHIN LIKE TWO MONTHS OF HIM COMING BACK HE GETS TO HAVE HIS SOLO DEBUT AND PERFORM??? and don’t even get me started on seunghan. what the fuck do you mean ot6 siren gtfo

i gave up on editing and was making shitposts on my tiktok praying for the downfall of sm ent because it seems they have a 7 member group curse DIEEE!!! (respectfully..! i lov u lee donghyuck i hope u can be free from the sm shackles in due time)

HSDJDKSKS don’t worry this is never a safe space for him and his fan i rlly do not like that guy and you’ll never catch me praising him.. anyways i got some stuff to say too but it will probably be the only time i’ll speak on it here because i don’t like giving that man attention 😶‍🌫️

bro i’m not surprised that you’re getting that stuff because when i tell you 99% of nctzens on insta are all lucas fans it actually shocked me 😭😭 i remember once commenting smth like “we don’t want him back” and i got sent death threats like OVER DOZEN???? MR CANT FIND THE BEAT?? 😭😭😭 tiktok is really 50/50 with a side that’s here for him and another side that doesn’t like him. the only platform i know where it’s mostly people disliking him is twitter but even then he got a pretty large following on there that is LOUD and ANNOYING

and you’re so right about that ITS SO CRAZY TO ME how SM just wouldn’t let go off him like they were so adamant on keeping him in the company for some reason and have been soft launching him for a good year trying to get the public to ease a bit, (the amount of concerts he’s attended to make his presence known.. you’re not slick SM) and i just don’t get what value he has to that company. he doesn’t bring the talent like he literally invented the term dozen because he dozen do anything right, he doesn’t bring the visuals, you can argue that he brings fans because he got a very huge SEA and latin (?) fan population that is veryyyy loud but even then the number of haters is much bigger, china literally hates him and korea barely tolerates him.

they didn’t hesitate to put seunghan on hiatus and are literally erasing him from the group in real time with the ot6 siren ver it’s crazyyy, all because he got his privacy invaded and did acceptable teen things? they kicked that SNSD member out for starting her own clothing brand and i’m sure they blacklisted her too, jaejoong got blacklisted too, soojin and chuu got kicked out, but the guy who has literal criminal allegations (that he basically admitted to himself) gets a whole pity sob documentary as well as rebranding as a soloist? chris lee is the biggest dick rider ever for this and it will never make sense to me😭

i honestly don’t like talking about him or mentioning him because 1. any type of publicity can be good publicity to him 2. arguing with his fans is useless and tiring because they will NOT change their mind 3. his face and existence annoys me so yeah i don’t like mentioning him because what’s the point hate-watching his content like that’s still publicity for him

but yeah if i find out any of his fans follow me i’ll literally block, even if you dont follow me and i find you’re his fan i block 💀 NOT A SAFE SPACE FOR LUMIS PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE TO BLOCK U MYSELF 😭🙏🏽

[fruitzbat]

There is this bizarre mischaracterization problem with Kingsley in the CR fandom that I think shows a certain level of contempt for the character himself — and honestly, I think it’s really revealing about a troubling hallmark of conditional support of nonbinary people in real life, which I find beyond hypocritical given…well, let’s get into it.

For starters, I'm not bothering with leaving a disclaimer about how not all fans do xyz or why I think that anyone should listen to me over anyone else. We’re adults here, we should know that things are nuanced by now. I also think talking about my own qualifications here is silly and masturbatory given that this is fandom and I'm very much doing it for free along with almost everyone else, so I'm not gonna waste the space.

Getting into the exceptions and such is well beyond the scope of this post, and I frankly don't think anything I say in this will convince anyone of anything — I just need to get it out there. If any of does change your mind, great! Icing on the cake.

*eyes glowing* anyway,

Given the admittedly considerable amount of work I do relating to his character, I wade through Kingsley's character tag a lot, and in many different places. On here, on Twitter, on AO3, his tag is full to the gills of bits of people writing stories in which he steals up to a certain member of the Nein and showers them with gifts and forehead kisses and...for lack of a better term, 'Mollyisms', and lays there enraptured while they talk about their relationship with Molly — who, obviously, is him. He's called "circus man" and is unbothered by it; it's testimony to the fact that this person and Kingsley have a history that transcends silly things like death.

Thus, the general depiction of Kingsley within the fandom is one that is not unlike Molly's, if not a 1:1 replica: a fun-loving, carefree libertine whose sun often rises at a certain other member of the Nein's forehead and sets are their toenails. He's curious about his past lives, but sees minimal distinction between them and himself.

And that's utter motherfucking hogwash.

The thing is, Kingsley's not an act II of Molly. He’s arguably a very different person from Molly, and the drift in Molly’s canon and fanon depiction is an essay on its own (not to mention the shift in perception in-universe, also brilliant and fascinating in its own right).

And I sincerely want us to think about that oversight in the same vein as if there were a considerable amount of Critters making content about, say, Beauregard Lionett falling in love with a man when she's explicitly a lesbian. Like, to me, it is that dire. And I will explain why that is momentarily: once I finish talking about who he actually is, and one of the principal culprits that I blame for this schism.

"But fruitzbat," some people might cry. "But fruitzbat, we have so little to go on. He's hardly shown himself on stream and he does, in the end, come from Molly!"

To that I would reply "skill issue," because Kingsley very much has distinguished himself from his siblings. Fandoms have extrapolated way more about a character with far less in the past. I didn't live through Superwholock on this website for anyone to tell me that they can't pull a fully-fledged character out of one episode of something. With all due respect, git gud.

Kingsley is a hustler and a cutthroat. He's driven, micro-managey — like, PAINFULLY Type-A, and interested in staying alive and making a name for himself; but in contradiction with this sense of self-preservation, he’s also ready to impulsively give himself up for a greater good and/or "make new mistakes", which can be read as altruistic at its best and unhealthy and self-deprecating at its worst (a trait which he definitely shares with Molly). In commenting on his new outfit, I’ve shitposted in the past that Kingsley is frum, but it's really not that far off. He doesn't like to leave things to chance, and also strongly believes in taking care of his own — he notably takes excellent care of the Nein Heroez’s crew. He doesn't suffer fools, he's snarky (too many examples to list them all, but have a few of my favorites), and also thoughtful and analytical and a skeptic. And most of all, he’s eager to learn and curious — not just about Molly and Lucien, but in general.

He jokes about being Lucien at one point, but makes it very clear that it's not him when people in his life make that slip-up. He's also been making the point that he’s not either of them as early as the campaign finale. And within the special, too, it’s pretty unambiguous. And then there’s Taliesin himself, also making it very clear that he’s a separate animal and on top of that, that he’s an absolute fucking badass.

And as mentioned, it's true that there's overlap with some of Molly's business — he's theatrical and loves fashion, for instance. But honestly, this character has far more in common with Lucien than he does with Molly. Lucien, who spoke multiple languages and lead a mercenary group into Aeor and back multiple times. Lucien, who even the mere prospect of him being resurrected was enough to reassemble the Tombtakers. If that’s not the makings of a Plank King, I’m not sure what would be.

And here's another thing: "Kingsley came from Molly" in and of itself is a misnomer. Based on both the stream and the addendum from the Lucien novel, Kingsley is mostly the reforged soul of Lucien — Molly's soul fragment was reintegrated into the rest of Lucien's. Kingsley is what was born from that fusion. When interceding on the failed Raise Dead spell, Caduceus said "put it back...whoever it was." There's just as much potential to say that it was Lucien's soul returned to that purple body by Melora as it was Molly's.

In all candor, I think it has a good deal to do with how many vocal Molly fans wanted Widomauk to be canon or somehow endgame.

The inherent tragedy of the dynamic between Caleb and Molly is that there is a constant specter of what could have been. Neither encountered each other when they were at a point to pursue their attraction, and Molly was dead before anything could come to pass. As a passive observer, I think that this what could have been has bled into the fanon interpretation of all kinds of purple tiefling content, mostly because there's so little to analyze otherwise. One only has to glance at the tags for the Lucien novel or the Molly origin comic to see what I mean. And I think that this has also significantly impacted the fanon depiction of Kingsley.

I find that this fandom in particular has a huge problem with sacrificing characterization in the name of fanon archetypes and tropes, but due to the distinct nature of Kingsley’s character this can veer into…I mean, pretty ugly territory.

People love the reincarnated lovers trope, and I see that applied here the most, to which I always want to remind people that Kingsley is probably more like a joined Trill. He has these past lives and memories, but just like Ezri isn’t quite Jadzia isn’t quite Kurzon Dax, Kingsley isn’t Molly isn’t Lucien. Ezri didn’t hop up and get busy with Worf, even when Jadzia had been his wife. Far from it, actually. Similarly, Jadzia had an entire exploratory episode dedicated to encountering Kurzon’s spouse and deciding that she (regretfully for lesbians everywhere) felt differently.

It’s true that it’s not completely baseless; I’m genuinely not saying that. It’s true that one of the first things King did was flirt with Caleb when he woke up. And then when he’d come more into his own, there was all that wild talk they had during the…

Oh wait, that’s right. They didn’t speak one on one even once during the reunion. So the argument could easily be made that in the chunk of the stream that showed us the most about who King was as a person, he didn’t touch Caleb with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole. Meaning that at this point in time, the basis of the ship is predominately Caleb’s relationship to his elder siblings.

I don't have time and ultimately have no interest in unpacking that in terms of it being solid foundations for a romantic relationship — we all can read, baruch hashem — and will also assume that there’s content about that dynamic that explores that weirdness with all the complexity that it deserves. But my central point here is that I’m seeing vanishingly little of it, and far more of it being used in a way that denies Kingsley his own identity. The point isn't hating on a ship. Widoking in and of itself is fine, the point is that people aren't actually shipping Kingsley with Caleb. They're shipping him with someone wearing the skin of his dead older brother.

Which brings me to my next point...

I find this aspect to be incredible given the extraordinary way that this campaign explores trans identity and narrative. Plenty of other folks have written about the extent that campaign 2’s focus on identity as a theme has resulted In one of the most comprehensive studies of several different types of trans stories. Like, VETH?!?

BEAU?!?! Not to mention FJORD’S UNRELENTING T-BOY SWAG?!?!?!

And yet.

And, yes, it is that deep. Let me explain.

Molly and Lucien are canonically genderfluid. Kingsley hasn't come out as anything yet, so the jury is still out... though many people, myself included, headcanon that he's some flavor of not cis.

For me, this is because Kingsley’s narrative is arguably more a traditional trans one than Lucien or Molly's: being born with the expectation that he would be one thing, then coming to his family — who hold that expectation quite dearly — and asserting that he is someone and something else completely different from that. Lucien and Molly are trans characters, no doubt, but their stories are not about being transgender. And there is an intrinsic quality to King's that definitely is.

The notion of "trans narrative" is also something applied to someone like Nott/Veth, even in a world where transness is not stigmatized. So while transphobia is not a thing as we understand it in Exandria, that doesn't change that Kingsley “came out” and transitioned in a more recognizable way to us than Lucien or Molly ever had to — in the same light as Veth arguably struggling with her self-image in a way that many trans viewers find exceedingly familiar.

If we can apply the queer critical lens and think of Fjord being a trans guy deconstructing toxic ideas of masculinity, or of Beau being a trans girl dealing with transphobic parents that wanted a son, got one, and cast her aside, we can also use that same level of discernment when it comes to Kingsley. There's precedent.

I don’t mean to get personal here, but the flat out dismissal of Kingsley's identity as an individual and not as the sum of other parts reminds me so much of my own experience of having come out as non-binary and then telling people that I was going to start HRT. The support dried up almost immediately the minute I made it clear I wanted to switch pronouns again and pursue medical transition, though I still conceived of myself as effectively genderless.

So long as you’re fun and funky and trans in a way that isn’t obtrusive, it’s fine. Well, “fine” isn’t the right word, but people are so fucking terrified of you becoming one of “those” trans people and taking the scary hormones and changing your body and getting the surgeries. It's the cousin of that perennial TERF talking point of "why can't you just be a tomboy/effeminate gay guy". As if being a tomboy/fem guy is somehow easier, too!! But I digress. To a lot of folks, Kingsley can be whatever he wants..........so long as he doesn't reject Molly as a foundational part of him, if not the, and heaven help him if he diverges from the mold Molly left for him.

For this reason (and for other transgender reasons that I don't want to get into), that has made engaging with a lot of this faux-Kingsley content difficult. Because Kingsley came out! Kingsley has told everyone who he is and what he's about, and folks are ignoring that in favor of an interpretation that centers a different person's existence entirely. And with this coming from a group of fans that tends to trend towards being trans, too, that's quite the bitter pill.

Creatively, I firmly believe that people can do whatever they want forever. And everyone has the right to make content where their Barbies scissor. I, for one, also am 100% guilty of it in other contexts. That doesn't bother me.

What does bother me is a collective delusion where a significant chunk of the fandom, in missing their tragically dead non-binary character, effectively stuff a separate one that resembles him back into the closet without noticing the cruelty of doing so. In fact, relishing in it.

And while these people are fictional and aren't real and can't feel pain aside from what we inflict on them narratively, it gives me pause about the way this trend mirrors common transphobic behavior I have experienced as a non-binary person myself. Thus, I cannot possibly watch it happen and not feel compelled to say something about it.

In essence, Kingsley has told us time and time again who he is and what he's about. If we say as fans that we respect the narrative integrity of Campaign 2, I think it's important that we listen and honor that.