Living for ourselves
It's easy to not want to die,
Easy to find the last will to survive,
Not that it ever feels so,
Nor that most of us notice managing it,
That's how easy wanting to survive can be.
It's not so easy to reach that ledge,
But nor is it anybody's wishes.
It's a herding, pushing, poking:
It's a sharp word, a criticism, a blockade:
It's two forces pushing together around you:
And we find ourselves greeting death.
To face life after that is hard,
So we say it's for a friend:
For our family, our pets, our job:
For a dream, an artwork, a goal:
Because greeting death means forgetting ourself.
I greeted death long ago,
Said I had my shield to live,
But it's some I still know.
I turn my head and see her now;
Sat atop that ladder,
Cabin bed and shelves of decades gone,
This room echoing my history,
As I echo myself, not greeting death,
But the girl who met death that day,
And the colourful tool still with me.
Then I didn't survive for family,
Didn't stay for the friends I'd see,
Or the thought of leaving school.
I greeted death and remembered the pen;
It's seldom been down since then.
I live for myself now: for Her, for Em, for Me:
For the pages I've filled, and paintings done,
For the things sewn together, memories won.
But once I lived for a pen and diary and poem,
Then for friends I'd stopped talking much to,
Then for my closest friends and pets,
Then to spite people who hurt me,
Then because what else could I do?
Living can have so many reasons,
It's hard to live, harder still to let go,
But reaching the day of living for ourself?
That's worth every step of the journey,
Difficult though it remains.
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I think the whole point of everything - including everything that we hate about ourselves and our materialism - is to figure out how to get closer to ourselves.
So like, even if you’re an awful abusive person or you’re incredibly wealthy or you’re a poor closeted kid somewhere or you’re just a regular person or whatever… it’s just all about wading through all the noise and getting in touch with what you want your experience in this life to be. I don’t care if it sounds corny or if you have obligations in your life.
Your primary obligation SHOULD BE to yourself and your journey. And if that encompasses materialism, other people, etc. then so be it. And if what it all encompasses changes and evolves - then that’s cool too.
No one is saying you gotta live an ascetic lifestyle to be spiritual (although I think a lot of us will end up that way when our souls are ready to leave this plane - BUT THAT IS A DIFFERENT SPIRITUAL DISCUSSION FOR ANOTHER TIME).
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Always use "excuse me" if you have to get into someone else's personal space.
Someone at the store is standing in front of the shelf where there's a can you want to grab? Don't just reach into their personal space without warning, say "excuse me" or "pardon my reach" first so that they at least have a warning that someone is about to reach into their personal space, and most importantly, so that they have a chance to move before you get into their space.
Or if someone is standing on a walkway or in a doorway you need to get through, don't just silently shove past them or squeeze past them, say "excuse me" so that they have a warning that a someone is about to squeeze or shove into their personal space, and they have a chance to move out of the way before you do you.
People deserve a fair warning if someone is about to squeeze or shove or reach into their personal space. A lot of people are not okay with having someone, but especially a stranger, randomly shove or squeeze or reach into their personal space without warning. They also deserve a chance to move out of the way first for the sake of their comfort.
Try to avoid just staring at people who are in your way and expecting them to read your mind that you want them to move. Most people cannot, in fact, read minds, so having someone stand in front of them and stare at them often only leads to making them feel uncomfortable and frustrated.
But also more importantly, if you are standing somewhere someone needs to get to, and they say excuse me, you should move aside for them even if just temporarily, so they can avoid the discomfort of having to reach into your personal space or squeeze past you.
If someone is saying "excuse me" it's because they would like you to move because they don't want to have to get into your personal space, whether it's out of respect for you, or just because they themselves are not comfortable getting in your personal space.
All of this goes double for people with trauma and/or people who are neurodivergent. If someone has trauma related to abuse or assault they may find it more upsetting or possibly triggering to suddenly have someone shoving or reaching in their personal space without warning.
Or, many types of neurodivergence can make it especially disturbing and unpleasant to have someone else in your personal space, especially without warning.
You can never be 100% sure who is and isn't traumatized and/or neurodivergent, so always practice respecting other's personal space by giving them a fair warning with "excuse me" or "pardon my reach" before getting in their personal space, and moving aside when you hear those magic words. Or, even if someone isn't traumatized nor neurodivergent, it's still fair to not like someone in your personal space without warning and not being given the opportunity to move first.
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Entry 1?
I think that every new season in your life is marked by taking a risk or doing something that you’ve never done before. When you were a kid, you had to go to school for the first time and that was a big change for you at the time, some of us even cried.
Now that we’re older the stakes are higher. We’re actually at an age where we have something to lose and no one is forcing us or telling us what to do and we don’t know what’s expected of us by default bc there is no default picture of adulthood outside of trying to be financially stable I guess (really long run on sentence there I’m sure lol). Because of that change is spooky, scary even.
But it’s a natural part of life that must occur.
Without it we never grow, we never progress, we never get better, we never have new experiences. Everyday doesn’t need to be extraordinary, but everyday should not be the exact same mundane thing back to back.
For me, this means trying to get a new job. I’ve been working at the same job since high school with the exception of the on campus job I had in uni. Every summer, I’ve always gone back to that job because I knew it like the back of my hand, it’s comfortable. But now that I’ve finished uni I’ve realized that I don’t have to go back to that job. I can actually do something in my field before I go to law school. And this isn’t really about pay because I have to admit that my state’s minimum wage is great compared to the federal minimum wage and there’s nothing wrong with that job, it’s not fun but it’s decent work. It’s about needing to move on. It’s about wanting to create the life I want for myself. Life is full of choices, you can choose to be sad and stagnant or you can choose change and have the possibility of a life you love.
Life is about taking risks. We will all live and die. Wouldn’t it be better to go feeling content with what you’ve done with your time here? When we’re young like this, we have a lot less responsibilities, i.e kids, spouses, mortgages, so we have less to lose by taking a gamble. That doesn’t mean pull a Trish at every job from Austin and Ally but it does mean you should consider your happiness your wants, your desires, your future, and make a good attempt at aligning yourself with what you want your life to be alongside the actual hard work. And those things don’t have to be what everyone else is doing, you don’t need to compare your life to everyone else’s. Do what you want to do. Do what you think will make you happy. In every part of your life you should chase long term joy, something that brings you peace, something that you can look back and be grateful you did.
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