#made me realize how different everything is now compared to a year or so ago

[ode2rin]

SAY YES TO ME ~ ❀ ·˚

content/warnings. 1.7k+ wc | husband!reo x gn!reader | characters are aged up to late twenties | just lovesick reo asking you to be his valentine's date :> | pure fluff | minimal proofread

𓆩♡𓆪 in which: your husband, reo, just knows exactly how to make you say yes.

For the first time in his life, Reo had never been happier to be the CEO of his company. 

He couldn't recall feeling as alive even when he first inherited the position. While he appreciated the benefits and authority, nothing compared to the freedom of controlling his own time.

As soon as the clock struck 12 pm, Reo sprang to his feet, driven by a sense of purpose akin to a man on a mission. His determined strides echoed against the perfectly marbled tiles of his office floor as he made his way to the elevator. It was five hours earlier than his usual clock-out time, but today was an exception.

Because today was Valentine’s Day— and he had better plans than sitting around skimming through papers that hardly made any sense anymore because his mind was already consumed with thoughts of you, as if he didn’t spend most of his time doing exactly that anyway.

Before finally leaving his office floor, Reo made a beeline for his secretary’s desk to ensure the finishing touches were being made according to his instructions.

“Everything must be ready before we arrive,” he declared to his secretary, his tone more of a command than a request. This was serious business, after all. In fact, none of the investor deals he signed earlier this day would measure up to the importance of this one task at hand.

“Yes, sir,” his secretary replied cautiously.

Satisfied, he stepped into the elevator. His eagerness to see you was so evident— anyone can tell. He wasn’t hiding it, not even trying one bit to do so. From the way he pressed the lobby button twice, checked his watch incessantly for the past few hours, and tapped his wingtip against the elevator floor as if its speed could hasten his journey home— everyone can tell that his very own company building was the last place on earth he wanted to be.

Well, he supposed anyone with someone precious waiting for them at home would understand his seemingly pathetic behavior.

Pathetic, lovesick, whipped— you’ve reduced him to every synonym for such. 

Not that it concerns him; what's more concerning is that he's not bothered by any perception tied to it. If he hadn't outgrown that teenage angst and was still chasing bits to fuel his ego, then it would have been a different story. He would have been hypersensitive to what bystanders thought of him. Now, older and wiser, he couldn’t care less about what they meant to prying eyes or big tabloids. None of their opinions were yours, so none of them mattered.

The journey back home was tenfold more insufferable than the time spent in the elevator. He kept his eye on his chauffeur in the rear-view mirror, and if he squinted enough, he could see the beads of nervous sweat forming at the poor man’s temple. He sighed to himself, seemingly reprimanding his own improper behavior. Hell, what was happening to him? He wasn't even an impatient man to begin with. All because of Valentine’s Day—all because he couldn’t wait to see you.

He got it real bad, as his longtime best friend would like to say. One he couldn't find it in himself to deny. It was true, anyway.

He didn't know when or where it started, but one random night four years ago, he woke up in a cold sweat, and the realization that he was hell deep in love with you gnawed on his center to his throat. So in love it set his heart on fire, all while being in love with the one person who lit the match.

Rumors were true— love never aligned with logic, intricate planning, none of what he excelled at as a businessman. And so, he abandoned logic and acted exactly as his heart had been urging him to. 

The very moment the sun peeked over the horizon that fateful day, he was on his feet, his jet waiting to fly him to wherever the finest diamond engagement rings reside.

It was the best decision he had ever made in his life because if he hadn’t, then he wouldn’t be standing at the entrance of your shared home, his grin widening with each approaching step he hears. You’re bustling around the house just to welcome him home—so, no, he couldn’t have it any other way. The mere thought of doing things differently made his heart leap into his throat, while a hollow feeling settled in his chest.

“Love! Welcome home!” you greet him, your lively voice warming Reo’s heart as it makes its way to him.

Even before you could throw your arms around his shoulders and kiss him senselessly to welcome him home, you're met with a bundle of red roses he had taken from his back.

“You shouldn’t have bothered,” you blushed, resembling the vibrant flowers he bought on the way home.

“Nothing is ever a bother when it comes to you,” he mused, big amethyst eyes sparkling back at you.

Ever the sweet talker, you looked at your husband who was now peering over you and the roses you’re cradling.

“Okay, Mr. Charming. To what occasion do I owe this?” you play pretend, your voice tinged with playful curiosity.

Instead of an immediate response, you felt his hands traveling to the small of your back, pulling you close against his embrace. His lips grazed your cheek, before whispering in your ear, “Be my Valentine?”

Here he goes again, you thought. “I’ve been married to you for the last four years, if I remember correctly,” you pointed out to him, keeping your smile to yourself.

That’s not a yes. Huffing, Reo pulled back from your hug to look you in the eye, “Your point being? There are no rules in marriage that say I can no longer ask you on Valentine’s day– if I remember correctly,” and he even had the pettiness to mock your tone.

“Wow, my husband is a bit sassy today, isn’t he?” 

My husband, he repeats in his mind, and just like that, all sassiness and pettiness came flying straight out of the window. “I love being your husband,” he blurted out, totally unrelated to your previous banter.

“Oh, really, now?” you teased, feigning the warmth it sent to your chest.

He does, truly and definitely. A man like him is widely known for what he has– for the possessions under his name and for the power it holds. Yet here he was, wrapped around your arms, and suddenly, being your husband has been the best he has been called and known for.

There was no weight, no expectations, and no pressure tied to it— just love dripping in every letter. There’s no one he would rather be.

“Yeah, am I doing a great job?” smiling at you, he asks, “I’m not losing the charms, am I?”

“Trust me, you’re very much good at it,” you fondly brushed the strands of hair covering his eyes, “and you’re not losing the charms,” you quoted.

“Really? So if I were to ask again, would you say yes?”

“With or without your ‘charms’, you know exactly how to make me say yes.”

Reo let out a hearty laugh at your remark. “You’re right,” his fingers reached out to your left ring finger, where his oath of forever lay glimmering.

God— he really did that. He put a ring on it. It was his name next to yours, his rings on your hand, his bed you share, and his forever you spend with. Four years and more to come, but Reo was certain he would never get over it.

Before his rationality left him and wrecked his own plans, Reo caressed your back, his hands moving dangerously low down your hip and giving it a squeeze, “Still wanna hear it from you though,” he mumbled softly against your lips, “So, what do you say in letting this poor man take you on a date as his valentine?”

You drew closer to his hold, your arms finding their place around his neck, hands occupied with the flowers now resting on his back, “I say,” you pressed your lips as if trying to think, “I’d like some kiss and maybe hear a please first—”

You couldn’t even finish teasing him because in a heartbeat, Reo closed the distance, seizing your lips in a fierce, hungry kiss drowning out the sound of words with an intensity that left no room for second guessing his invitation. Nothing about Mikage Reo was silent and subtle– not even when he kissed you. It had to be breathless, deep, urgent, and parting your lips in surrender.

His hands found their way, trailing with purpose along your spine, while his other traced the curve of your jaw with a feather-light touch. Teasing fingers then tangled in your hair, pulling you closer, desperate for more.

He pulled back first, leaving you light-headed. He flashed you one smirk, lips almost melting into yours.

“Please?”

Fuck. You didn’t need to be asked thrice. You nodded your head aimlessly, earning a chuckle from him. “Go then, pack some clothes. Our jet is waiting for us.”

“Jet? Did you mean car?” Where the hell was he taking you to use a jet for?

Seemingly reading the question on your face, he answered, “I know what I said, love. We’re going to Paris.”

“What?!” you exclaimed, squirming from his hold completely, “We could just dine somewhere close, Reo.”

Now, who told you he only had dinner in mind? Who did you take him for? You shouldn’t be surprised anymore— there’s nothing in this world that would come close to the satisfaction he got from spending lavishly on you. It was a reminder that he could and most certainly would give you everything you wanted. “You don’t like Paris?”

You tried to reason, heavy on the try so it seemed because you soon realized it was a mistake clarifying your point, “I mean, I do but—”

“I think I heard enough, love,” a sheepish smile formed on his lips, “I’ll wait for you here, alright?”

You rolled your eyes at him before retreating to your shared bedroom to prepare for freaking Paris. Of course, you're going. There’s really no winning against him, you’ve known that ever since. He longed to prove to you that he always had the irresistible charm of making you say yes.

Not that you'd ever thought of saying no. The ring weighing your finger down could attest to that.

note. been seeing people saying their partners no longer ask them valentines bec they're tgt alr... reo would never do that btw do better

another note (pls tolerate me). i'm pretty sure i'm fighting for my life when this gets posted (it's qd!!) so here's me wishing all of you a happy hearts day 🩷

[totheblood]

true blue. (two)

pairing: modern!ellie williams x reader

summary: both ellie and reader are u-haul lesbians and there is a jump scare

warnings: SMUT! suggestive themes, drug/alcohol usage, cursing, descriptions of abusive behavior (neither ellie or reader engages in these behaviors)

a/n: this chapter... idk it has me giggling and blushing.

read part one here!

Ellie felt like throwing up.

After finding out about your history with Cat, she decided that it would be best to only talk about the project with you. She knew she came off cold, but for some reason she didn’t care. When it came to Cat, Ellie almost always shut down, and when it came to the idea that Cat may have also stuck her tongue down your throat, Ellie felt physically sick. A part of her felt bad about having feelings for you, but another part of her was deeply disturbed by the fact that you were into Cat. She also didn’t like that you still had the photo up on your Instagram.

A part of her also knew that she was being dramatic, but the less rational side of her was winning over at the moment. She found herself ranting to Dina about it almost 5 times a week, or everytime they smoked together. At about three hits in, Ellie was already ranting about you and your pretty hair and your pretty lips and how they were tainted by Cat. Like clockwork Dina would roll her eyes, rip the joint from Ellie’s hand, and diffuse it in the ashtray they made at Color Me Mine. 

“You need to get over this, man.” 

“I’m trying.”

So here Ellie sat, writing the second part of the project in your dorm and refusing to make eye contact with you. You almost instantly noticed an immediate shift in Ellie’s demeanor when it changed weeks ago, but you were at your breaking point. At this point it almost seemed that anything you did would annoy her, or whenever you spoke she would act shocked as if she forgot you were there. Not only was it extremely aggravating, but it was also getting in the way of the quality of your project.

“Did I do something?” You questioned, breaking the silence Ellie was enjoying causing her eyes to shoot up to yours. Yeah, you fucked my-

“No.” She grumbled as she continued writing. 

“Are you sure? Because the first day I thought we got along really well, and sometimes I just say everything that’s on my mind and I don’t realize I’m doing anything wrong until well-” You gestured to her with an almost panicked look on your face. “This.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just tired is all.” Ellie mumbled as she went back to her work, pretending to not pay you any mind. All you could do at this moment was roll your eyes and try to get back to work without anxiety overcoming you. 

“You’re just like my fucking ex.” You mumbled under your breath as well.

“What?” Ellie snapped her head up at you, unsure if she heard you correctly. Because if she had heard you correctly, you were comparing her to Cat.

“Nothing.” You shook your head, this time it was your turn to avoid eye contact with her. 

“No, you had something to say so say it.” She continued, her voice rough. This time you looked directly in her eyes, something behind them she just couldn’t place. 

“I said, ‘you’re just like my ex’. Happy?” You gave her your best fake smile and went back to your work. It had never occurred to Ellie that maybe you hated Cat as much as she did. The difference between you and her, however, was that she would never keep up a photo of her making out with Cat for over a year.

“What does that mean?” She snapped with an almost immediate need to defend herself. 

“It means that things were nice at first until you started being an asshole with no real explanation of what I have done.” You answered simply, shrugging your shoulders. 

“I didn’t do that.” Ellie lied.

“You totally did!” You protested. “We were vibing, you were like telling me about your life and I was telling you about mine and you were fucking laughing. Now, you don’t even crack a smile.”

“I smi-”

“You do not, Ellie!” You took a deep breath before starting again. “I thought we were going to be friends. I wanted to be friends. You’re funny and hot, but you’re being a real bitch right now and I don’t like that. I’ve done it before and I really don’t have the heart in me to do it again.”

Ellie blinked at you a few times, the guilt from giving you the cold shoulder finally setting in. A part of her really wanted to blush at the compliments thrown her way, but she was overwhelmed by the idea that her behavior was mirroring Cat’s. You really were an innocent party in all of this and she took her frustrations out on you, the cute pen dealer. 

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been going through a tough time.” She lied, not wanting to reveal that the person you’re comparing her too right now is the reason she’s been acting this way. “ I know what that’s like, my ex was like that too and I didn’t mean to do that to you.” 

She saw your hard exterior falter at her sentiment and the guilt inside Ellie began to build again. 

“I had no idea, Ellie, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to push but if you ever want to talk about what’s going on, I am here.” You seemed completely genuine and that tore Ellie’s heart to bits. In an attempt to be kind you reached out and placed your hand on Ellie’s forearm again, right over the tattoo. “Plus, he didn’t deserve you.”

Ellie couldn’t help but snort at the comment, earning a confused look from you. 

“She.” Ellie laughed. “She didn’t deserve me.” 

You covered your hands with your face laughing at your own heteronormativity. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” You apologized, moving your hands from your face to stare at her freckled own trying not to burst out laughing again. 

“You really couldn’t tell?” Ellie teased, gesturing to her forearm tattoo, earning a giggle from you and a red face from her.

“I mean, I didn’t want to get ahead of myself.” You teased back. “She’s smart, she’s funny, and she likes girls? Nuh-uh, too good to be true.”

As funny as the situation was, Ellie felt a deep warmth at your words. She wanted to believe you were flirting with her, but as of two minutes ago you had thought she was straight. 

“Good with her fingers too. The whole package.” She added, a dimly lit fire behind her eyes. 

“Oh yeah?” You feigned surprise. “I wouldn’t know. She should show me.” You leaned forward, pushing your laptop to the side table and getting dangerously close to Ellie.

Ellie almost choked on her own spit as you leaned closer. She eyed you up and down, her eyes lingering a little bit longer on the space between shirt and skin where she could see your cleavage poking through.  

Without hesitation, Ellie threw her notebook to the side, leaned in and captured your lips with hers. You reciprocated immediately, your tongue trying to fight it’s way into her mouth. She parted her lips for you causing a moan to slip out of your mouth into hers. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, Ellie’s mind was racing. What the fuck was she doing, she thought. Not even an hour ago she was barely talking to you and now the sounds that were coming out of your mouth were about to make her come undone. Her hands wandered down your body, tracing the curves of your hips before slipping under your shirt. The feeling of her warm hands on your skin sent shivers down your spine.

Again, you moaned softly into her mouth as she teased your nipples, rolling them between her fingers. Breaking the kiss, Ellie moved her lips down your neck, nipping and sucking at the sensitive skin. Your hand moved to caress her hair, grabbing it lightly. She gently moved you backwards on your bed, never stopping her assault on your neck, not wanting your whines to stop. She was going to lose her fucking mind. As she worked her way down, her hand slipped into your pants, finding its way to your wet center. She began circling her fingers in what felt like slow motion as she peppered kisses along your collarbone.

“Ellie..” you moaned, causing her to look up at you. The minute she did, you pulled her head upwards, attaching your lips to hers once again. Ellie felt like she was fucking floating, but her movement never stopped. As she picked up her pace she reveled in how you were squirming beneath her. She made a mental note to remember this moment for later.

With practiced ease, Ellie slipped a finger inside you, eliciting a gasp from your lips and causing you to separate from her. She pumped in and out, curling her finger just right to hit the gummy spot inside and making you scream out her name one more time. “You’re doing so fucking good.” Ellie soothed, pressing a kiss to your neck. You writhed against her hand, your hips bucking in rhythm with her movements.

As your pleasure built to a crescendo, Ellie added a second finger, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. Finally, you couldn't take it anymore and you came hard, your body shaking with pleasure.

Ellie pulled her hand out of your pants, licking her fingers clean with a satisfied smirk on her face. Your body relaxed into the bed as you tried to catch your breath. She sat back up, nearly panting, but still soaking wet.

“Well, that was quite the show,” you managed to say between gasps. Ellie grinned and leaned in for another kiss before sitting back on her knees. “Looks like you'll have to show me what you've got too, baby." 

-

E: I FUCKED HER.

D: WHAT????

D:.. who?

D: if it’s cat i’m going to go to wherever you are and break your rib. 

E: Not Cat. 

D: YOU DIDN’T.

D: cute project partner?

E: Yes.

D: it’s giving u-haul lesbian

E: It’s giving best sex of my life.

D: really??

E: REALLY. And I did all the work.

D: you are a freak

E: She’s so fucking hot… I don’t know what to do with myself. 

E: I can’t do this project with her, I’m just gonna think about finger fucking her the whole time.

E: I miss her.

D: oh my god

D: get a grip

E: I’m TRYING.*(@HFh3uq9)(U

D:...

D: anyways.

D: are you coming to the party tonight?

E: I will be there.

Later that night Ellie found herself tucked into a sweaty frat party. Dina and Jesse really wanted to go and Ellie was still somewhat disoriented from her morning with you so she thought there was no better place to sober up. She was nursing a red cup with a brown colored liquid inside when she almost keeled over at the sight in front of her. There you stood in an impossibly tight dress, throwing back the very same gross drink Ellie had in her cup. Ellie looked around for any sight of Dina or Jesse but assumed they had found a quiet spot to make out and grind on each other for the rest of the night

She watched from the wall as you threw your hands in the air and started dancing to the very loud music with your friends. You were obviously drunk, but it was still nice to see the carefree side of you that she wasn’t able to see in the classroom. In your dorm room, however-

“Ellie!” You screamed across the dimly lit room, stumbling towards her and bringing her in for a tight hug. Ellie tried to say your name as enthusiastically as you had hers, but her voice got lost as you pressed your body up against hers. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, the giddiness in your voice shining through. You were standing ridiculously close to her with your hand on the wall behind her, right above her head. You were smiling as wide as you possibly could and Ellie couldn’t help the smile on her face that grew each moment she was in your presence.

“Looking for you, obviously.” She teased, eyeing you up and down causing you to giggle into the crook of your neck. Her hand moved up to pinch at your waist, her eyes now steady on yours. 

“Aw, look who’s all confident after fucking me.” Your smirk, coupled with the already free flowing alcohol in her system, caused her to laugh. “We’ll see how confident you are after my turn.” 

Ellie swore you were going to kiss her, and you almost had if it wasn’t for your name being called behind you by your friends who gestured at you to come. You turned to look at them and nodded before you turned back to Ellie. 

“We’re going to another party? Want to come with?” You asked, hoping you didn’t sound as desperate as you felt. 

Ellie sighed, looking around the room for Dina but seeing no sight of her. What Ellie did know was that Dina wouldn’t leave the house without her, and it was an unspoken rule that she would never leave the party without Dina. She wanted to leave with you, but girlcode takes priority.

“I can’t.” She responded. “I’m with friends and I can’t leave them.” Ellie hates to admit this, but she took great pride at the sight of your face falling. 

“Oh well, see you Monday.” You somberly replied, waving goodbye and running to join your friends. 

“See you Monday.” Ellie said under her breath, practically to herself as you were already out of sight.

Ellie found herself upstairs after that, searching for Dina and Jesse so she could go home. However, she found someone she wasn’t looking for, or rather, they found her.

A cold hand tapped Ellie’s shoulder, causing her to turn around in relief that Dina had found her.

“Dina, thank go-” Her words got caught in her throat as she saw her ex standing in front of her with a sickly sweet smile on her face. 

“Ellie! So good to see you, I see the tattoo is healing?” She began, ignoring the dirty look Ellie was throwing her way. 

“What do you want, Cat?” Ellie spat. It was evident that Cat wasn’t being nice, and Ellie wanted her to get to the point. 

“Well, I just wanted to say how cute it was that you would flirt with my ex to make me jealous.” She disclosed, the smile on her face strong.

“I wasn’t trying to ma-” 

“It worked, I’m jealous.” She simply stated, moving closer to Ellie. Ellie was frozen, never in a million years would she ever think that Cat would be saying any of this. She leaned in close to whisper in Ellie’s ear. 

“Swing by my dorm room tomorrow, my roommates are gone for the weekend.” She pulled away from Ellie, smiled again, and patted her on the chest before walking away back into the party. 

And to be completely honest, Ellie wasn’t sure what she was going to do.

[rorywritesjunk]

Master Post

Hullo! I am Rory. I write about Buggy from One Piece and One Piece Live Action. I decided to cobble a list of things. Unless otherwise specified, the fics can be read as either Anime Buggy or Live Action Buggy. Also I really like using song lyrics as titles so that's a thing. (Also my main account is @thehohwitch) *I take requests, but I won't write about s-xual assault, *ncest, cheating, or age big age gaps (at least within a five year difference) things like that. I primarily write F reader with Buggy but I'm happy to write male as well, as well as nonbinary and trans. My turn around for requests is at max ten days (unless something comes up). I get them written in the order received. Works are under the cut! (Updated 2/2/24)

For Chapter Fics, please go here! *Fics in that link feature my OCs Sunny, Cupcake, and Birdie, as well as anything that is several chapters.

For one-shots, look below the cut!

Buggy is the Ultimate Girl Dad Headcanons Headcanons pt 1 Headcanons pt 2 (More indepth) Headcanons pt 3 (More!) Lil Buggy's Big Adventure (One-shot) One Shots "Pampering Buggy" PG-13 A fic of you pampering Buggy after he has a frustrating day.

"I won’t treat you like you’re oh so typical" Soft R Buggy wakes you up to help him with his makeup and he sometimes get grabby.

"All I dream of lately is how to get you underneath me" Soft R, sequel to "...oh so typical" It was Buggy’s turn to do your makeup.

"I will never ask you for anything, Except to dream sweet of me" PG-ish Look, everyone has some kind of secret. You just didn’t want Buggy to find this one out. "We’ll cry later or cry now, but baby, Heartbreak feels so good" PG-13ish Buggy messes up, there’s a fight, and he realizes how much you mean to him.

"So let’s set out to sea, love, ‘cause you are my medicine" PG-13ish Buggy has another frustrating day so you cook him some comfort food.

"I have seen no other Who compares with you" PG-13. Buggy decides you need your own ‘look’.

"best be prepared to get all that you bargained for" PG to PG-13. Buggy isn’t used to the gentle touch you give him since you joined his crew three months ago.

"there’ll be space for you always in my harmony" PG. Buggy finds out you have a hidden talent. "Home is wherever I’m with you" PG-13ish. You wanted to keep your relationship a secret but Buggy just wants you to join his crew.

"And all of my wildest dreams They just end up with you and me" PG. Richie is a pretty boy, yes he is, but so is Buggy. "I know it’s just a number but you’re the eighth wonder" R-ish. Buggy loves that you have a pair of glasses for every day of the week. "breathe the freezing crystal air, watch my baby crack a smile" G-PGish. You and Buggy agreed on exchanging just one gift for the Winter Solstice, but he’s a pirate and doesn’t follow the rules.

"Suppose I never ever let you Kiss me so sweet" PG-13ish Your healing powers are limited to one person a day but that doesn’t keep Buggy from demanding you heal him. "Dancing kisses on my cheek, it’s the wonders that I seek" PG-13 Buggy just wanted your birthday to go smoothly.

"So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you my dear" PG-13ish It’s the three year anniversary since everything changed in Buggy’s life for the worst.

"Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen" PG-13 You decide to ask Buggy an important question but he has major doubts. "Close my eyes for a while Force from the world a patient smile" PG Buggy says something he regrets to his older sister.

NSFW One Shots

"I’m aiming for full control of this love" NC-17. Buggy has a fantasy that you decide to try involving Mihawk and Sir Crocodile.

"Like lighting when I’m swimming in the sea" R. Buggy never made time for sex until he met you well into his 30’s.

"You’re the only thing I wanna touch" NC-17. Buggy only comes up for air every so often and it’s a beautiful sight.

"You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when" NC-17. Buggy’s been a bit of a brat today and you’ve had enough. "The stroke of your fingers The scent of your lingers" NC-17. You meet Alvida and get a bit of a crush, and Buggy is a rather supportive boyfriend with that.

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[doomed-syko]

Right Back Where We Started From | Robert Keating x Fem!reader

summary: Flying home for Christmas seemed like a great idea until you’re snowed in and stuck on an icy runway… for the foreseeable future. Even worse? The person in the seat next to you is the guy who broke your heart a year ago

word count: 3.5k

warnings: angsty, exes to lovers (kinda), fluff, swearing, mention of alcohol, my bad writing as always, the usual really

author’s note: i have returned to my roots and am back with a robert christmas fic, everyone rejoice. this time a bit different. as you can tell, i’ve rewatched normal people while writing this – to all my robert keating and paul mescal enjoyers, this one is for you x

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”        

You hadn’t thought it would be possible, but your already bad day had just gotten worse somehow, which was kind of an achievement in itself.

It was bad enough that you had slept through your alarm this morning and had rushed into work over an hour late (the sudden onset of winter and heavy snowfall delaying your arrival even longer), which was followed by your suitcase breaking as you were about to leave your flat for Heathrow and you had to quickly find something to repair the broken zipper with. The bad luck didn't end there of course. When you did finally make it to the airport - ten minutes before check-in for your flight closed - you almost got run over by some busy businessman who didn't look where he was going and, in the process, rammed his metal suitcase against your knee, which had been pulsating and in pain ever since. Your flight being delayed by an hour and twenty minutes was truly only the cherry on top.

But even then, none of those things could compare to the mixture of feelings you felt bubbling up inside you when you realized who had just sat down in the seat right next to you and who was about to sit right next to you for the next hour and a half or so.

None other than your bassist ex-boyfriend whose band was almost everywhere these days. Of course, it had to be Robert Keating.

For a few seconds, you thought about the best way to approach this whole thing. Ignore him and pretend he wasn’t there? Put on a happy face and try to be nice to him? Even though the mere thought of your breakup still made your heart ache and sting every time you thought about it, thought about him. None of those seemed like good ideas.

Before either of you could decide how to approach this awkwardness, a decision was made for you. In the form of the voice of a flight attendant over the intercom system.

“Welcome on board British Airways flight BA 838 to Dublin Airport, due to the heavy snowfall and an icy runway, our start is delayed by at least thirty minutes,” a murmur went through the crowd. “Our cabin crew will be coming around, handing out free drinks and snacks, we apologize profusely for the delay!”

You must’ve really pissed off someone in your last life because there was no way this was real life. How could literally everything possibly go wrong in one single day?

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Robert echoed your words from earlier, the absurdity of it all was the last straw for you and you started uncontrollably giggling to yourself.

“You seem to be in a good mood.” Rob sighed and you knew without looking at him that his face was pulled into a grimace. It was safe to say that he was not having fun right now.

“Oh, believe me,” you stopped chuckling and turned your attention to your former lover, who did indeed look like he wanted to be anywhere but stuck on an icy tarmac right about now. “I’ve actually had one of the worst days of my life today.” You shrugged your shoulders. “At this point, I’ve just stopped trying to make any sense of it.”

Before you knew it you told him about everything that had gone wrong for you up until that point. Broke suitcase and all.

You even showed him your knee that had been massacred by that man and his heavy suitcase and realised that it actually had started bleeding. No wonder it kept pulsating with pain.

Those damn businessmen and their way too expensive, way too heavy metal suitcases

“I feel like I've been talking your ear off for way too long now,” you smiled awkwardly. Seems like 'put on a happy face and try to be nice' was the plan you had chosen. “Now tell me, why are you in London on the 22nd? Shouldn’t you be already home with the family?”

You hated that you still knew what he and his family did every Christmas. You hated that you still knew a lot about him actually.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Rob replied. And just like that, operation 'put on a happy face and try to be nice' was fucked. “We had a label meeting a few days ago, with the big boss,” He joked. Looked like you didn’t mess up your chances of keeping this civil after all. “The lads all flew home on Wednesday, but I needed a day just for myself, to decompress or something like that… It has been a long year you know? So much has happened in the last twelve months, and I’ve had almost no days for just myself.”

“Yeah, busy year,” you acknowledged. You couldn’t escape the band anymore; they were everywhere these days. And as much as it hurt to see or hear about him everywhere you went; it made you happy to see them doing so well.

You were about to say something when the voice of the flight attendant from earlier came over the intercom again, this time informing you that due to the weather, your delay would continue but that you had to stay on the plane for safety reasons. At this point, you wondered if you would even make it to Dublin before Christmas… maybe you just had to spend Christmas in London alone, so the bad luck that seemed to follow you around could not rub off on anyone else.

At least the cabin crew would – once again – make their rounds and hand out free drinks, food, and some blankets.

Realizing that you hadn’t registered how cold it actually was on the plane, you made sure to profusely thank the brunette flight attendant, who handed you one of the British Airways branded blue fleece blankets, wrapping it around your upper body and legs you had pulled up on the seat after taking your shoes off. There was no way you were going to be (physically) uncomfortable today.

You turned your attention back to Rob, only to see him already looking at you. Actually looking at you and not the 'barely holding eye contact' thing he had done earlier, now he was staring at you, his eyes rapidly moving like he had forgotten what you looked like and was now trying to commit every part of you to his memory.

It made that mixture of feelings you had felt bubbling up inside you when you had first seen him earlier, return. Just this time, the feelings of butterflies in your stomach, that you always used to get whenever you had looked at him, were more prominent than any other feeling.

Fuck… great work! Thirty-five minutes spent next to your ex and boom… you were right back to feeling head over heels for him.

You sat in silence for a few minutes, neither of you knowing what to say now, because what do you talk about with your ex-partner when you didn’t plan to see them never mind being stuck in an airplane that could not take off due to the sudden onset of winter. No one had ever written a handbook of how to act if you were ever stuck in a situation like this. No one. Especially not on how to act when you are actually still very much in love with said former partner, making the doubts you had always had about you going your separate ways, appear even greater.

The breakup had been mutual. You both barely had time for each other anymore and at that point in time it had seemed like the only reasonable decision to make. You had finished university that summer, he was practically always on tour or in the studio and when you had gotten that job offer for your current job in London you realized that things would only get harder from there on out. So, you moved to London, Robert stayed in Dublin – when he was not on tour – and then you broke up.

Of course, you had promised to stay in touch, to stay friends but you both knew that that was not happening. You couldn’t stay friends with him, not when you were still head over heels in love with him.

That’s why the breakup still hurt, even though you had not been with him in well over a year. You had tried to move on, had hooked up with a few people here and there, had gone out on the dates your new friends had set you up on but no one made you feel the way he did, so you gave up trying and slowly came to terms with the fact that you would maybe never be as in love again as you had been when you were twenty.

You sighed, trying to shake your thoughts as you fished your phone out of your jeans pocket.

20:21

Even with the initial hour and twenty minutes delay of the flight, you should’ve been long in the air by now, scratch that you should be more than halfway to Dublin by now. You sighed again, before typing out a message to your mother, telling her that you were still in Heathrow and didn’t know when you'd be home. Her answer came quickly, reassuring you that she would be there to pick you up from the airport when you landed, whenever that may be.

Putting your phone away you turned your attention back on Rob, who seemed to be so deep in his own thoughts, that even though he was looking at you, he was more looking through you.

“Are you alright?” You sounded more concerned than you were.

“Yeah yeah, I’m all right. Just a bit tired,” He smiled at you. “It's just– you know… I have missed you. A lot.”

Oh.

“I’ve been for a while actually,” He chuckled awkwardly. “The last year has been one of the strangest of my life. The juxtaposition of all the success with the lads, all the sold-out shows, festivals… all the fun and good stuff that has happened and then missing you all the time, missing us. It is a lot.”

Robert’s admission hit you like a ton of bricks. Holy fucking shit.

“Don’t say that.” Your voice was breaking. Why was your voice breaking?

“No, I mean it,” Rob's voice wasn’t steady, but he continued, reaching for your hands, and giving them a gentle squeeze. It was the first time he touched you that evening, leaving your skin feeling like it was on fire everywhere his met yours.

“No, you don’t get to say that shit after I spent over a year being heartbroken.” Your emotions were running wild now. “Not after I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably never love anyone like I love you.”

There it was. Your confession. Out in the open.

“We both decided it was for the better to call things off,” Robert cringed at the words. But he was right, it had been a mutual decision. “You can’t put all the blame on me… if I had known how difficult this would be I would’ve never done it.” You could tell he was getting worked up over this, but you could not blame him for that. You weren’t doing any better really. “I would’ve moved to this damn city for you!”

“Don’t say that.” There it was again. “Robert, you would have hated it here. You would have been away from the lads, you would have had to commute between London and Dublin all the fucking time,” you tried to keep your voice as low as possible, which proved to be difficult the longer this went on. “That’s no way to live, baby. We would have been miserable.”

He was silent for a while, his hands still holding onto yours as if you were the anchor keeping him grounded but he wasn’t looking at you anymore. Now you squeezed his hands.

“Bobby there is no use in pretending you wouldn’t have been absolutely fucking miserable here,” You sniffled trying not to cry. “I would not have had time for you, and you would not have had time for me. We would have lived two separate times, believe me, we would have resented each other after a few months.”

“Still,” he tried to argue. “I’ve been pretty fucking miserable this year without you too.” He was finally looking at you again, his eyes slightly glassed over.

You didn’t know what to say to that and before you could think of something, the intercom turned on again.

“Good evening, my name is Richard Jones, I’ll be your Captain tonight and I am happy to report that we’ve finally got cleared to take off.” Finally. “We will be making our way onto the tarmac in about ten minutes. Since we are obviously not the only plane waiting to take off, we will have to wait for a little bit longer, but we should be in the air in the next thirty minutes or so. We, again, apologise for the delay, if you have any more questions our cabin crew will be happy to answer them. We thank you for your patience!”

You felt like a weight was finally being taken off your shoulders. A weight you had carried around with yourself for almost a year now.

You got your phone out again, sending another text to your Mum telling her that you were finally about to take off and actually get home for Christmas. And then… then you took a deep breath turning your attention back to Robert.

Okay, here goes nothing.

“Well since we are sharing,” you smiled at him, still holding his hands. “I’ve missed you too. A lot!”

Before he could answer you, you got interrupted once again.

“Is there anything I can get either of you?” The brunette flight attendant from earlier smiled at you. “Any drinks? Food?”

“Yeah actually,” you turned your attention from Rob to the brunette woman. “Could we get two red wines and a pack of salt crisps? Thank you so much!”

You took the two wines and crisps, setting one of the wines down in front of Robert.

“I think we have a lot to talk about,” You grinned at him, who would have thought this day would end like this? You certainly didn’t. “Cheers!”

The both of you talked a lot. About everything that had happened since your breakup, about how much you missed each other, about your job and the band.

You told him how proud you were of him and the lads, that even though it had hurt to see them everywhere, your happiness for their success outweighed the heartbreak of – at the time – knowing that you would probably never get to tell them that in the way you had done for years before. That you missed your friends in Dublin but that your new job and friends in London were great. How much you had fallen in love with this city. And how much you hated not at least trying to stay in contact with Eli or Josh.

In turn, he told you about how much he loved touring, how he and the lads had grown even closer, how crazy eventful this year had been and how glad he was that they were taking a little break. Taking things slow but already working on album number three.

You talked about your confessions from earlier. That you both were obviously miserable without each other, that you still loved each other greatly and what it meant for you going forward.

With your head on his shoulder, you talked for the whole flight, in hushed whispers, laughing every now and again.

And if the confessions had taken a heavy weight off your shoulder earlier, this – the hushed talking, the little giggles, and the handholding – made you feel weightless. Made you feel like you were on top of the world again. All because the man you loved was still in love with you.

You were holding hands when you finally walked out of the airplane at 22:25. Finally back home in Dublin you thought. And you continued to do so when you waited to pick up your baggage, which of course took another fifteen minutes but at this point, what were those extra fifteen minutes? If anything, it was more time with Robert which you gladly accepted.

“Is anyone here to pick you up?” You looked up at Rob, while you were still waiting for your broken suitcase, to arrive on the baggage conveyor belt.

“Sent a message to my Ma while we were getting ready to land,” He answered. “Is that your bag?” He asked pointing to the black suitcase, which was indeed yours. “She should be here by now and if not, I’ll just have to wait a few minutes,” he grabbed your suitcase, grabbing your hand again and interlocking your fingers. “Your Mum is picking you up, right?”

“Hmm,” you hummed as you walked through the automatic doors. “There she is actually.” Your pace got faster after you spotted her in between the dozens of other people who were waiting for their loved ones to finally arrive. “C’mon.”

You felt your fingers slip out of Robert's hand a few meters before you reached your mother, practically running into her open arms. Only once you were back in your mother’s arms did you realize how tired you actually were.

“Oh my god I’ve missed you so much,” you sighed. “I don’t think I have ever been this happy to be back home.

“Oh, it is so good to have you back, sweetheart!” Your mother replied kissing your cheek before spotting Rob who had given your little reunion some space. “Robert it's good to see you again darling.”

She pulled him into her arms, just like she had done with you earlier but not before side-eying you. This was going to be fun to explain later.

“Okay let’s get you home,” your mother sighed, grabbing your suitcase. “Is there anyone to pick you up, Robert?”

“Yeah, my Mums on her way,” he smiled down at her. “I’ll wait outside for her; don’t worry she'll be here in a few minutes.”

The three of you walked through the airport, towards the car park, your mother in the front with your suitcase, Robert, and you behind her with the rest of your baggage.

“I’ll get the car,” Your mother said when you stepped outside, the cool air blowing through your hair. “You wait here I'll be back in a few minutes.”

Before you could answer her, she was already gone, leaving you and Robert alone. Smart woman, you thought to yourself.

You turned your attention back to Robert, smiling brightly, before resting your head against his chest. You stood in silence, the chilly wind still blowing through your hair. You did not feel the need to say something. Everything you needed to get off your chest you had talked about with Robert. You would rather just stay where you were right now, in his arms and pressed against his chest just like you had done a hundred times before.

“I’ll see you in January,” he smiled, carefully grabbing your face, and pulling it from his chest to look at you. “Right?”

“Yeah,” you hummed, hearing the honking of a car, and turning around to see your mother waiting for you. “I’ll keep my bed warm for you!” You chuckled, leaning into his touch. “I promise.”

“I’ll know you will love,” Robert grinned, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” another kiss. This time his lips landed on your right temple, right next to your eye. “I love you!”

The last kiss he pressed to the tip of your nose. Just like he had done on your first date, years ago.

“I love you.” You replied, kissing the skin right below his chin, before nuzzling your nose into his neck. It was crazy how fast you fell into old patterns.

Your mother honked again, which you took as your sign to let go of Robert and get into the car. Before leaving his warm embrace, you pressed a kiss to his cheek, his skin still feeling warm beneath your lips.

You walked to the car, put your backpack on the backseat and before she could even ask you answered the question you knew she was dying to ask you.

“It’s a long story.”

note: if you liked this imagine, don’t forget to like, comment and/or reblog, that’d be greatly appreciated! xx

taglist: (if you’d like to be tagged please let me know!) @tractorbeamofwoe @1twontalwaysbelikethiss @vanmccannsfridge

[buckychristwrites]

Idk if you take requests outside of the prompt lists you’re doing right now, but I had a concept I feel like you would write AMAZINGLY so I just had to tell you, feel free to ignore if you don’t vibe with it! So, reader and Jamie in a relationship, he’s trying to take things slow and not be as focused on the physical like he was in past relationships. Meanwhile however reader is aware of his reputation, and starts to feel undesirable, like there’s something wrong with them because of how slow things are going, and starts feeling insecure that they aren’t good enough for Jamie to want ‘like that’. Angst and accidental miscommunication abound! But obviously things are explained and there’s a happy ending

This made me think of the idea that @imfalling-inlove sent me that i posted about a few days ago. So i’m gonna kind of combine the ideas a little bit, i hope the both of you don’t mind!

-

The night hadn’t been a particularly pleasant one. Not for you, anyway.

The hotel mirror casted your reflection back at you. You stared, turning and poking at yourself. Could this be smaller? Could that be bigger? With every second that passed, another bullet point was added to the list of things you’d change about yourself if given the chance. And the list was already quite long before you started tonight’s excursion.

“What’re ya doin’?”

You didn’t immediately answer, instead just continuing to push your abdomen inwards, as if the extra squish would just dissipate into your skin and stay there.

Jamie Tartt’s reflection appeared behind yours, his eyebrows knitted together as he watched you.

“Oi,” He said, putting a hand on your shoulder. Instinct made you pull away.

“Do you think I’m ugly?” You asked him. He jerked his head to the side.

“What?”

“Is that why you won’t touch me? Is it because i’m hideous?”

You felt hysterical as the emotions continued to well up in your chest and pour out of your mouth, but you didn’t care. Everything was hurting. Your head. Your chest. Your heart. You felt like you were bleeding. Jamie continued to stare.

“Who said-“

“You literally had your dream girl,” You continued as if he didn’t speak. “You had Keeley’s poster on your wall as a kid. And now you’re settling for stupid, ugly, fat fucking me.”

And it wasn’t just Keeley you thought of. It was all of the beautiful women who had come in and out of Jamie’s very public life over the years. While you claimed his larger than life body count didn’t bother you, it was hard to ignore that there was something about you that made you an outlier comparatively to the rest.

“What the fuck are you on about?” Jamie said defensively. You turned to face him, your back towards the mirror. It was easier to speak to him through the glass, though. Now your eyes welled with more tears.

“There has to be an explanation to why you would force yourself to be with me when you could have anyone, Jamie,” You said flatly. He shook his head.

“I don’t fuckin’ want just anyone.”

“Then how come you can sleep with them but not me?”

“‘Cos you’re fuckin’ different!” He was raising his voice, which made you realize that you had already raised yours.

“Different as in a rest stop until you find another destination to head to?”

“Different as in I wanna fuckin’ marry ya!”

The argumentative attitude fled your body like a criminal on the run. Jamie’s chest was heaving up and down.

“Wh-“

“I see my future in your fuckin’ eyes,” He hissed, taking a step closer. “You’re different ‘cos I wanna watch ya walk down the aisle in a white dress. You’re different ‘cos I wanna have ten kids with ya. Or no kids with ya. But any kids I have, they better fuckin’ be yours. You’re different ‘cos I wanna be in me 80’s, slow dancin’ with ya in the kitchen. And you’re different ‘cos I wanted to take this slow so you didn’t think I was just fuckin’ ‘round!”

He ran his hands through his hair as you watched, dead silent.

“Keeley may have been a girl I dreamt about but you are literally the woman of my dreams. I couldn’t’ve invented ya if I tried.”

Carefully, he took another step closer, putting his hands on your sides and pulling you forward so your forehead was against his cheek.

“As for the rest…” He said quietly, shaking his head against your skin. “I’ll spend the rest of me life provin’ that you are the most beautiful, sexy, incredible woman I’ve ever laid me eyes on if I have to.”

[kelcemesoftly]

Heartbreak Series: Part 1 [[Like We Used To]] Song Imagine

Series: Heartbreak Series

Summary: How are you handling the breakup? Based on Like We Used To by A Rocket to the Moon

Words: 1291

Triggers: nsfw, i think that's it???

Part 1 of a potential series. Hope y'all enjoy!

My first Trav fanfic.... be gentle pleaseeee. Requests are more than welcome 🥰

I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me

Sharing pillows and cold feet

She can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat

Under blankets and warm sheets

“How are you always so cold?!” Travis chuckled, draping his arm across your bare waist as you two laid naked, the only thing covering you both being a feather-like, white sheet. Your eyes met his as you let out a small snicker, a sheepish shrug being mustered up even though exhaustion was plaguing your body. 

“Don’t you like it? You’re the one who specifically stated you’re always too warm,” you mused, arching your brows pointedly as if to prove your point to him. As much as you gave Travis shit for it, him being warm had its perks. He was your personal body heater and you never had to worry about being cold when you were in his presence. Cold hands pressed against his back was always a welcome feeling in his mind, and he’d told you that more than once. 

You shuffled closer to Travis in your shared bed, turning around so that he was the big spoon. He tightened his arms around your body, pressing a loving kiss against the back of your head. It didn’t take long for him to doze off, exhausted from the Monday Night game he had just won. You, on the other hand, took a bit longer to fall into a slumber, though the beat of Travis’ heart eventually lulled you into a deep sleep, knowing that you were safe in your boyfriend’s arms.

If only I could be in that bed again

If only it were me instead of him

Does he watch your favorite movies?

Does he hold you when you cry?

Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts when you've seen it a million times?

Does he sing to all your music while you dance to Purple Rain?

Does he do all these things like I used to?

What you would give to go back to that time in your life, a mere year ago. It wasn’t as if you didn’t love your new boyfriend, but he wasn’t anything compared to Travis. He was different, in every single way from your ex. Trav was an extrovert, he was an introvert. Trav loved sports, he despised them. Travis’ family was everything to him, he hadn’t spoken to his parents in years. What started out as a welcome change was suddenly becoming a sad realization that you wouldn’t ever have that type of love again in your life.

Trav knew every single movie you had watched, he knew what your favorite TV shows were. He knew that you’d be glued in front of the TV every Wednesday night to catch up on all your missed shows because of the NFL’s hectic schedule. Your new boyfriend didn’t know that he should expect that because he wasn’t nearly as busy as Travis. With him, you could watch the shows as they aired live because there were no football games you attended causing a disruption in your schedule. Secretly, you’d still watch all of Travis’ games, your love and concern for him overpowering your desire to watch your shows.

As you lay next to your new boyfriend, tears filled your eyes at the stark contrast that was now your life. Your new boyfriend turned over, seeing your eyelids red from tears.”What’s wrong?” he asked sleepily, a yawn escaping from his red lips. You shook your head, not wanting to delve into the fact that you were, once again, mourning the loss of your relationship with Travis. 

“Nothing,” you whispered, your voice cracking as you said the word. In reality, everything was wrong. Nodding, your boyfriend turned over, soft snores being heard echoing off the wall. That alone made you turn to face the opposite wall, small sobs raking through your body. It wasn’t as if your boyfriend didn’t care… but he didn’t care in the way Travis would. Trav would have wrapped his arms around you, blinked several times until he came to, and then demanded you to tell him what was wrong, in the most loving way. And you would’ve told him, because he was your best friend. Perhaps that was the hardest part, losing your boyfriend and best friend all in one.

14 months and seven days ago

Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night

Just your skin against the window

Oh, we took it slow and we both know

It should have been me inside that car

It should have been me instead of him in the dark

You had been with Travis not even a month before the first time you slept together. To say it was amazing would be an understatement. He was the sweetest, kindest, most attentive lover you’d ever been with, and that was just the first time. As time went on, it only became more amazing, more magical. And you were convinced that was because of the love that radiated between the two of you, which was evident to everyone in your inner circle. 

The first time you slept with your ex had been a drunken hookup, your attempt to get over Travis. And it worked, for a couple hours. Then your mind went back to your ex, which was precisely what you wanted to avoid. And so began the triad of events, sleeping with your new guy, going home only to call him again a few hours later to try and forget Trav. Eventually, you both decided that since the sex was good, you should try out a relationship. It wasn’t bad, the sex nor the relationship, but it wasn’t the same. It never would be. You knew that, always had. 

For what felt like the millionth time, you slipped out of bed and went into the one bathroom in your rented apartment, locking the door behind you as tears leaked out of your eyes. You were so angry that you let a petty argument with Trav ruin the rest of your life, a life you so wanted with him. You’d never pictured being married until you met Travis, but now that you had, that’s all you saw. And, as sad as it was to say, all your boyfriend was was a nice distraction. 

Your mind wandered over to Travis, curious as to how he was feeling. Was he having the same thoughts? Or did he move on? Have a new girl in his bed? Tell someone else that he loved them? The mere thought alone caused you to become sick, emptying the content of your stomach into the toilet. You fell back onto your ass, desperately reaching for your phone. 

I know, Love (I'm a sucker for that feeling)

Happens all the time, Love (I always end up feeling cheated)

You're on my mind, Love (oh darling, lead her where that leaded)

It happens all the time, Love, yeah

Y/N: Hey… how are you doing?

Trav: Long time no talk! I’m alright, how are you?

You stared at the text for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was less than a minute. In your drunken haze, you clicked on his contact name and pressed Facetime, anxiously awaiting to see if he’d answer. To your surprise, he did. Fuck. What were you going to say? To do? Let him know that you tried to move on but couldn’t? Let him know you watched every single one of his games and still held your breath every time he was tackled? Let him know you watched every video and interview of him? Let him know you thought you saw the heartbroken flickers in his eyes?

“Trav… I miss you.”

[licorice-tea]

I’m A Ghost Of You, You’re A Ghost Of Me Pt. 3

Pairing: Roronoa Zoro x reader

Content: slow burn relationship, fluff, some platonic Usopp and reader, mentions of weapons, strawhat!reader

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: sigh i kind of struggled with this part, idk why but i just didn’t feel super proud of the writing? butttt i really enjoyed the ending bit, so hopefully you do too! there might be some edits made later, and i think there will be around 2 more parts after this? anyway, lmk what you think! <3

Part 2 • Part 4

Nami proposes a plan to split up in pairs and look for the swordsman, so as to cover more ground faster without the risk of running into trouble alone. You admire her ability to think ahead and prepare for any possibility- it’s something you, as a child of nobility with a more comfortable upbringing, never really developed.

Everyone sort of pairs off, and you decide to follow Usopp. You enjoy his humor and get to know him as the two of you search for Zoro. This leases you to learn that he’s an inventor, something of a demolitions expert, and he left his home to become a brave warrior of the sea, all of which you find admirable.

After a while of wandering around the island, you and Usopp come to a steep incline. It’s a natural hill, but you notice that if you were to walk around the base to the other side, you’d find a set of stairs. He wants to go around and use said stairs, but you’re sure you’d be able to make it to the top faster by simply hiking up. So with the promise of meeting at the top, you get to hiking the steep hill, and he runs off to climb the stairs instead. As someone who has gotten used to scaling walls as a method of escaping in order to run off in the past… this is an easy feat to you.

And sure enough, you reach the top of the hill in less than 3 minutes or so. It’s a lovely sight to take in; covered in grass and a few patches of flowers and other flora, as well as-

“It’s you!” You’re so excited to see the man before you that you call out to him before you’ve even crossed the expanse of the hill to meet him.

He turns to look at you, “It’s… Damn, you look different.”

“Do I?” You look down at the clothes you’re wearing, not quite so “let me try to blend in with the civilians of this island in hopes I’m not caught by marines and brought back home” anymore. Instead, your outfit fits your personality and taste- it’s much less dull, so you can see what he means. Also, you’ve changed your hairstyle a little. In short, everything about you just seems more fitting, rather than having the feel of someone who isn’t yet sure of themselves like you had a year ago. You spin as if to further show off these changes and agree with a smile, “Hm, I guess so.”

There it is again- your smile. Zoro has held on to the memory of you as best as he could, not that you were ever easy to forget, but images in his mind are nothing compared to the real thing.

When he doesn’t respond, seemingly lost in thought, you go on; “I’m happy to see you again-“

“You are?” Then he coughs awkwardly, realizing he sounds all too eager for his disciplined and focused persona.

You laugh- “Yeah, I never got the chance to repay you.”

“Repay me?” Zoro scoffs, “For what?”

A soft smile graces your features; “For letting me go.”

He shakes his head and looks down for a moment, as if thinking. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“Hah!” As if you’d let such a life changing action go. No; you had good enough manners to know favors should be returned. “Well, at least let me introduce myself properly this time,” you extend a hand to shake his, “I’m y/n.”

Zoro smirks and shakes your hand- his grip is tight, but not uncomfortable. “Roronoa Zoro.”

Usopp finally catches up with the two of you, and all three of you begin heading back toward the docks to meet the others. After a while, the swordsman speaks up.

“So, how much convincing did it take for Luffy to get you to join?”

“Not much. I’ve kind of just been doing my own thing for a year now so… I’m excited to be a part of something.”

“You should’ve seen them Zoro!” Usopp move in between you two and slings an arm around both of your shoulders. “We found them in a bar, and then a marine challenged them to a duel and we were all like GASP!” You giggle at his exaggerated storytelling, and he continues; “Then Luffy was like ‘I bet you could beat him!’ so they were just like ‘sure, why not!’ And we all went outside and it was like a Western showdown- The marine drew his gun and the mighty archer, y/n, drew their bow…”

By the time Usopp is finished explaining how you came to be a part of the crew, the dock is in sight along with the rest of the Straw Hats. “And at last, they knocked back their arrow and- BAM! The arrow bent his gun out of shape! Can you believe it Zoro?”

He shrugs, “Well is that what happened?”

When you realize the question is directed at you, you smile sheepishly. “Uh… Sure! pretty much, at least.”

Once the three of you reach the dock, all seven board the ship. Luffy is overjoyed to have his crew assembled to take on the Grand Line, so Sanji cooks a huge meal for all of you to enjoy. Eventually all the plates are cleaned and cleared, and the clouds in the sky are overtaken by night stars.

“I can take watch for the night.” You offer to your new crewmates, but Nami says that Zoro probably is already. So, you decide to join him when she shows you to the crow’s nest. Before entering, you knock on the wooden trapdoor, then open it up.

Zoro sees the top of your head and offers a hand to help pull you up into the crow’s nest, which you thank him for.

“No problem.”

For a while you simply watch the sea, which is very calm tonight. It leads you to thinking of another night where the sea was calm and the stars bright. The same night you met Zoro when he came to deliver you back to your parents- but even then you’d been too confident (in both his kindness and your own skills) to feel scared. You just get good vibes from him- like he makes you feel safe. So you look over at him, but find that he’s already looking at you. He smiles and you return the smile, albeit a little softer and overwhelmingly endeared-looking. Finally, you break the silence

“So… from a pirate hunter to a pirate- how did that happen?”

Zoro shrugs, “Luffy’s a good captain. I wouldn’t just join any crew, ya know.”

“Hm, same here.”

“Now, nobility to a pirate is a much bigger change, if you ask me.”

“Ah,” you give him a sarcastically sweet smile, “I didn’t.”

This causes Zoro to bark out a laugh. It’s the first time you’ve seen him laugh, you realize, and you’re hooked. He looks so much less imposing like this; full of joy instead of his usual, very focused demeanor. You find yourself giggling as well.

“Tell me, y/n, did you really put a dent in a gun with some flimsy arrow?”

“Like I said, I’m pretty good.”

“I’d like to see for myself.”

“I’m sure you will, eventually.” He huffs through his nose, and you continue, “I haven’t seen you using any of your three swords, either.”

“You will. Eventually.”

You accept Zoro’s statement with a nod. “I don’t think I ever thanked you, properly-“

“You don’t owe me, y/n.”

“I know, you keep saying that, but- you changed my life!” He whips his head around to look at you again, and you continue, “I mean it; I wouldn’t be a part of this crew… hell, I wouldn’t be anywhere but back in my room if it weren’t for you.”

Zoro maintains eye contact for a moment, then gives you an offer you can’t refuse. “Alright, you can buy me a drink at the next island we stop on.”

This makes your cheeks feel warm, though you try not to let the shock be too evident in your features. He must pick up on it through your silence anyway. “What? You wanna repay me, right?”

You nod, “Mhm.”

“So, it’s a date. Go get some rest, I’ve got this covered.”

That night, you try not to giggle and kick your feet too loudly for the sake of your crewmates who are fast asleep. It’s hard though, when your already massive crush is being egged on- and by the crush in question!

Now you just have to make it into the Grand Line and stay alive long enough to go on that date.

[edgy-ella]

I recently rewatched Invader Zim with @allshaftsfall, and something dawned on me that I should’ve realized years ago: Irkens have really weak backs/spines.

Or at least, it gets worse the taller they get, exponentially more so than with humans. The only tall Irkens we ever see in the series are the Tallest (obviously) and Sizz-Lorr, all of which are noticeably hunched over.

Sure, you could argue that Sizz-Lorr’s weird hunchback comes from his abnormally large PAK and the Tallest’s poor posture comes from the extreme corseting done to their midsections, but that in turn raises another question: why in god’s name would you ever fuck up your spine like that in a society where your status is determined by your height?

This stood out to me as weird for the Tallest in particular, because height is their status, so you’d think they’d be doing everything in their power to make themselves look as tall as possible rather than the opposite. It’s also something not unique to Red and Purple—concept art shows that Miyuki and Spork, the two previous Tallests before the current duo, had the same thing going on.

Hell, even Tak, who is barely taller than Zim, doesn’t always stand up straight.

This mostly applies when she’s in her human disguise, but still. Her height wouldn’t expose her as an alien—nobody cares about Zim’s more damning features, and Dib has classmates much taller than she would be standing up straight—so she doesn’t have anything to gain by slouching. To me, it seems like she feels like she has to consciously stand up straight when out of disguise, interacting with other Irkens (as someone with scoliosis, I can relate), but feels more relaxed as a human where height isn’t that big of a deal.

Before anyone calls bullshit on Tak ever slouching, look at her posture here compared to Gaz.

None of this is an art style thing, either. The humans in the series, both tall and short, stand significantly straighter. The only human I can think of off the top of my head that slouches is Ms. Bitters, and we don’t even know if she is human.

So, what does this all mean? Why’s this important? Well, to me, it begs the question: if the Irkens end up with significantly worse posture the taller they get, why does their society run on a height-based hierarchy? It’s already a silly concept, and the fact that Irkens already seem to have weak backs is just the cherry on top.

To me, this says that this is not naturally a part of Irken culture, and that the Control Brains put it in place whenever they assumed total control of the species, and it seems like it’s there in order to make the Irkens more reliant on the Control Brains. You can’t expect to have a stable leadership if your rulers are chosen arbitrarily, so the people supposedly in charge have to rely on the giant supercomputers to handle all the hard stuff for them. We already knew that the Control Brains were these shadowy figures controlling everything from the shadows, and this is just doubling down on that. And the implications there are wild: were the Control Brains originally made by other Irkens, only for their AI to gain sentience and weaken the Irkens biologically, socially, and culturally? Were the Control Brains made by a completely different race, only to appear like gods before primitive Irkens and force themselves upon them? If so, what happened to whatever race made the Control Brains? What’s the Control Brains’ overall purpose? How far does this “meat shield used to carry the PAK around” thing go?

Unfortunately we are never ever getting any answers to these questions because the franchise is in indefinite hibernation right now and they didn’t tackle the Control Brains in any meaningful capacity when they had the chance in either Enter the Florpus or the comics. But it’s fun to think about!

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Twenty-One

when you realize the significance of the monkey (∩˃о˂∩)♡

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

word count: 3.6k , edited by me ....soooo if you see something spelt wrong no you didn't.

taglist : @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @laurpartyprogram @concretenoah @thebadchic @jessitpwk @madomens @samanthasgone @myownthoughts12

I picked up Erin from Ashely’s house at around 10 am the following morning. I don’t think anything will ever compare to her seeing me and running with excitement into my arms for a big hug. I just hope she still feels that way later today when I tell her about Noah.

“I missed you Mom!” she calls out and I pick her up and swing us around in a circle. “Oh my sweet girl, I missed you so much!” I tell her and kiss all over her cheeks and the top of her head. We finish gathering her things and thank Ashely and her mom again before we eventually get into the car and head off to begin our girls’ day. “So nails first or food? How are you feeling?” I ask as I turn on the radio and begin backing out of the driveway. 

“FOOD! Please! We only had cereal for breakfast and you know I need more than that.” I laugh because I know exactly that. My girl can eat! “Okay, so first food and then nails!” I say, then reach over to turn up the radio when I hear “Dancing Queen” by ABBA come on. We sing our hearts out on the drive to our favorite breakfast spot near our house. We sit in our regular corner booth by the back window. I order a coffee and a full stack of pancakes with eggs and bacon. Erin orders an orange juice and the same amount of food and I know she’ll finish it all. She recaps me on the last two days and all the fun she had with her friend, “but I missed you and Hales a lot. I’m happy to be back home now.” she says stuffing a huge piece of pancake into her mouth. “I’m happy you’re home too little bug, but why don't you take smaller bites? I don’t need you choking thirty minutes after getting you back.” She smiles with her mouth full of food, “okay” her muffled voice comes out and I can’t help but laugh. 

With breakfast finished the two of us head to the nail salon and I decide we should really pamper ourselves and we get the deluxe mani/pedi package. The salon I like plays old MTV music videos on big TVs all around the room. The sound of Paramore while my feet soak in the soothing heat and the massage chair digs into my back puts me into a state of complete relaxation and I find my mind wandering. Stuck on a moment from the night before, Noah and I sitting together on the couch and our almost kiss. If things were different, if we lived in an alternate universe and it wasn’t ten years later I would have closed the distance and would have let myself be sucked into his gravity. He has everything he wants now, his music, his band, it’s what he left to find ten years ago.

I look over at Eric who’s set the chair to the back-patting setting that has her voice bouncing “Ah, ah, ah, m-o-o-m, d-o-o-o I s-o-u-n-d w-e-i-r-d.” the smile that breaks across my face is full of love as I take in the beautiful girl in front of me. “You sound perfect baby,” I say and ruffle her hair softly. The rest of our appointment goes by in a relaxing daze. We laugh while Erin tells me about her last two days. We finish up and I mentally prepare myself for the conversation we are about to have. I am going to tell her about Noah. I just hope she doesn’t hate me afterward. 

We get back to the house and she rushes into her room to unload her dirty clothes and reunite with the stuffed animals she had to leave behind. “Fluffy! I never want to be separated again!” I hear her exclaim from outside of her room. Before talking to her I head into my room and open my closet door, I’m looking for a certain shoe box. “Where the hell is it?” I ask myself, “Ah ha!” It’s nestled deep into the corner hiding under the Carhart hoodie I borrowed from Haylie who stole it from who knows. I take a deep breath and lift the lid of the box. On top are several photos of me and Noah, some of the two of us, and Nicholas as well. Wadded up in a tight ball is the Bring Me The Horizon shift Noah gave me all those years ago. There’s also a CD, some random ticket stubs, drawings, and more pictures at the bottom. I decide to just take the whole box and head towards Erin’s room.

Knocking on the door I hear a soft, “Come in!” I walk into her room and see that she’s decided today is the day she’s going to reorganize her bookshelf. 

“Hey sweety, can I talk to you about something?” I ask and try to hide the nervousness in my voice. “Umm yeah, is everything okay? You sound weird.” So I didn’t do a great job at hiding it. “Yes, everything is okay. There’s just something that I need to talk to you about. Something important.”

Two lines appear between her eyebrows and her face contorts in confusion. “Is this an I can keep working and listening important or do I need to sit next to you on the bed?” she asks and I pat a spot next to me on the bed to wordlessly answer her question. “Oof, okay,” she whispers out and climbs next to me on her bed.

“You remember how I told you that I got pregnant when I was still in high school but my boyfriend and I had already broken up?” she continues looking at me with confusion all over her face but nods slightly, “Yeah, I remember. You said you two never saw each other again.” I take her hand and smile, trying to fight the tears in my eyes.

I open the box and hand her a picture of Noah and I. “His name is Noah. This is your father.” She takes the photo and looks back and forth between me and and younger version in the photo. “You look so different,” she says and I huff a laugh. “Yeah, that’s what growing up will do to you.” 

“Where is he?” she asks quietly looking up at me. “Well, he’s actually in town for a few days if you would like to meet him.”

“Where has he been?” she asks and that takes me off guard. I struggle with what to say, not wanting to keep anything from her but also not wanting to upset her. “He’s been in Los Angeles. That’s where he works.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s in a band, playing music, and sings all around the world.”

“Hm,” she says and I’m not sure what she’s thinking. 

“So he didn’t want me?” and there it is. The knife in my heart makes it hard to keep the food down from earlier but I push through, remaining strong.

“Oh no sweety, that’s not true at all. He didn’t know for so long. It’s very complicated adult stuff. Things that took me a long time to understand myself” I try to explain to her. 

“Will you tell me when I’m older the complicated stuff?”

“Of course baby, I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know about him.”

“Is he nice?” Erin asks in a quiet shy voice, “Do you think he would like me?”

I wrap her up in my arms and squeeze her tightly, “he is very nice and he will like you very much I promise.” I run my hand down her head, soothing her soft brown hair.”Does that mean you’d like to meet him?”

The air is still in the room as Erin takes time to think. Her small face scrunched in concentration. “I think I would like to meet him, yes. But are things going to change? My friend Brody’s parents don’t live together and he goes to his dad’s house every other weekend. Do I have to do that now?” I pull her closer until my head is resting on top of hers. “Nothing will change without you making that decision. Right now, we take things one step at a time.” she nods her head and wraps her arms as tight as she can around me.

“Would you be interested in meeting him tomorrow? He will be leaving again soon with his band so we won’t see him again for a few weeks. I can tell him we can wait if you’d be more comfortable.” I’m also definitely scheduling an earlier therapy appointment for her this week. Her head remains buried in my side while she takes everything in. I am giving her all the time she needs to process, so if she wants to wait until he’s more available I don’t blame her. 

“I think I would like to meet him. But what if you just invited him over here? So I can show him my stuff and maybe he will like me even more?” 

I move back so I can take her small face into my hands. “I can do that but I need to to listen to me now, there is no one on this planet that could possibly not like you Erin Howlston and I know for a fact that he will love you so much because you are you and you are perfect,” I emphasize my point my giving her cheeks a little squeeze. “But you have to think that because you’re my mom.” she quips through pursed lips. “And he’s your father, so by your logic, he must also think that,” I argue back and I see her eyes turned down slightly in the corner.

“But he made you sad right? That’s why you broke up when you were in high school. I don’t want him to make you sad again.” My heart swells. While I drop an atomic bomb of information about her life she’s worried about my feelings. I must be doing something right with this whole parenting thing.

“Sweetie, that was a long time ago. My heart is all better now and I’m not sad anymore. I am so so so unbelievably happy with our life. With you and Aunt Haliey, Uncle Kyle and Aunt Mags, and little Natasha. I think Noah is a very good person and he wants to be in your life because he cares about you. Even without having met you.” She gives me a small smile and hugs me again.” okay, I want to meet him. You said tomorrow right?” she looks up at me with her deep brown eyes that have always been just like his. “Tomorrow it is. I will give him a call later today, but what do you want to do now? Play? We could watch a movie? Or draw together?”

Quickly detangling from my arms she races to pick up her paper and stretching pencils, “Drawing please! I need help with the cat I’m drawing.” 

We spend the next few hours drawing together on her bedroom floor laughing and listening to music. For Christmas last year she asked for a Google Mini so she could ask it to play music whenever she wanted. Now we are listening to “The Very Best Of Otis Redding”. When she was a baby I listened to it all the time. I used to sing “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long” while rocking her to sleep. Sometimes I walk by her room and she is listening to it while reading or playing with her toys and it reminds me of holding her when she was so little and how she would hold my finger so tightly.

I feel the tug of guilt in my gut about Noah having missed those moments but force it down, there’s nothing that can be done about the past but we can create new memories with the three of us together. Even if Noah and I aren’t together we can be the two parents that Erin needs. Maybe we can even be friends.

Later, once Erin wanted time alone to play with her toys I went into my room to call Noah. I haven’t been able to talk to Haylie about any of this yet, she woke up late with a hangover and had to run out of the house for the day to meet with her editor to talk about her next book release.

I close my door most of the way, only keeping a small sliver open in case Erin calls out for me. I sit on the edge of my bed and hit the green call button on my new Noah contact page, It rings a few times before I hear the sound of him picking up on the other end.

Hey! Natty, how are you doing? How’s it going?

Hi Noah, things are good. How are you? 

There’s rustling in the background of his call, “oohh is that Natalie??” I hear who I think is Folio.

Yes, shush…not you Nat! You don’t have to shush. Sorry, Folio is being an idiot.

I’m good, just working on some new remixes for our deluxe album.

I just finished talking with Erin and she suggested I invite you over tomorrow to meet. Is that okay?

Tomorrow sounds great! What time is good for you two?

How does 12:30 work? I can order us sandwiches from the sub shop in town, Erin’s favorite.

Perfect, 12:30 is perfect. Thank you so much, Natty. I won’t let you down again. I promise.

I try not to blush like a preteen at the way his voice goes almost breathless as he makes his promise to me. 

Um. so I’ll see you tomorrow then, bye!

I try to rush off the phone as fast as possible before I let myself word-vomit anything stupid.

Bye Natty, I’ll see you tomorrow, looking forward to seeing you and meeting Erin. 

A few minutes I hear Haylie unlock the door and head into the house and she calls out like she did the night before. “Honeys!! I’m home!” she calls from the front room. “Hey Hales!” Erin and I both call out.

Before I have the chance to call down to her to come up so I can relay everything that’s happened since we separated after the concert, she is racing up the stairs taking two at a time. She swings my door open, stepping into my room with a huge face-splitting smile on her face. “Sooo?? How did it go?” she asks moving closer into my room and creating the same small gap in the door before sitting down next to me on the bed. “Well, before I drunkenly barged in. sorry about that. That Folio knows how to throw them back, he’s pretty hot don’t you think?”

She has this twinkle in her eye when she says it and I laugh and roll my eyes at her. “It went well, he was a little upset at first which I wasn’t surprised by. He cried I cried, it was very emotional. He wants to meet her and then stay in Austin during their break in between tour dates.” As I recant my mind whirls and everything hits me more than I expected. “He said that he wanted this life with me, wanted the family and the happiness and the love that he should have fought harder for me, should have never let me go.” I try to keep my voice steady but I can feel my throat getting thick with emotion. Haylie wraps her arm around me and remains quiet while I continue telling her all about what happened. “And then when I was showing him pictures in her baby book there was this moment..” I slowly trail off and she pops forward and her eyes widen in surprise.

“What kind of moment?” she asks in a voice that goes all jelly-like and I manage to look slightly shameful before I tell her. That I so easily folded in his presence is borderline embarrassing, just shows how powerful his hold is still over my heart. But right now I can’t think with my heart, now is the time to think with my brain. While also considering Erin’s heart. 

“We might have almost kissed,” I tell her while I bury my face in my hands. “OH MY GOD! NATALIE !” she shrieks and I quickly throw my hands over her mouth. “Shush! Haliey oh my god, Erin will hear you!” and just like that I hear her little voice calling from down the hall, “everything okay in there?” she asks. “Yes!” “Everthing is fine!” we answer in unison and I think she retreats back into her room.

“You almost kissed him! How? What did he say? Did he lean in? How did he act after the almost kiss,” she shoots out the questions in a rapid-fire succession and I rub the sides of my temples before answering her. “Um. I guess he was kind of leaning in, he was doing that thing you know. When a guy looks between your eyes and your lips. I felt so weak. Oh my god, I almost kissed him, and then the book fell and I remembered what we were doing and why he was there and I felt so stupid.”

“You are NOT stupid! There were a lot of emotions flowing, you hadn’t had a moment alone with him in years and it’s not like when you broke up you two weren’t completely and totally in love with each other. It’s not like those feelings just go away.” she says while rubbing up and down along my back. 

“I just can’t do that with him, It’s not a good idea for the two of us to do anything that could jepordize Erin’s happiness.” I nod to myself, wiping one of my hands down my face and then raking them through my hair. Haliey and I flop backwards onto the pillows while I finish catching her up on everything that happened, including my conversation with Erin and then my phone call with Noah right before she got home. 

“You want me to clear out tomorrow so y’all have some privacy?” she asks and I balk at the thought. “No way! I would never ask you to leave your own house. Plus, you’re such an important person in Erin’s life, I’m sure she would also want you here.” 

The three of us spend the rest of our evening lounging in the living room watching TV in our pajamas. We make homemade pizzas and cookies for dinner together in the kitchen while singing along to Disney’s greatest hits. We end the night all cuddled together on the couch watching Erin’s favorite movie “The Secret Life of Arrietty” and when she falls asleep I carry her up the stairs into her room and deposit her into her bed. I gently kiss her forehead and turn on her glowing nightlight before closing the door and heading back to help Haylie finish cleaning the kitchen. 

The next day is quickly upon us and I nervously watch the clock ticking away as we get closer and closer to 12:30. I picked up the subs a few minutes ago so hopefully Noah isn’t late. No one likes a soggy sub.

Just seconds before the second-hand crosses over the 12 on the clock there is a knock on the door that causes me to jump straight out of my seat. Haylie laughs at me as she rubs my shoulders walking past and into her room. She told Erin that if she needed her at any time to just barge in and get her. I walk towards the door and Erin suddenly looks very nervous and gets up to hide behind my back. “Are you okay baby?” I ask her quietly before answering the door. She nods her head against my back and whispers, “Yes, I’m fine.” she gripping the back of my jeans but I think if she didn’t want to do this anymore she would say something, she’s just nervous. Hell, I’m nervous. 

I open the door and Noah is standing there with a bouquet of wildflowers in one hand and a stuffed monkey in the other. “Hi,” he says in a soft and nervous voice. I return his greeting with a warm smile. “Come on in” I open the door wider so he can come in and Erin scoots along with me not quite ready to reveal herself. “How are you doing?” he asks and hands the flowers over to me, “these are for you.” He gestures to the monkey, “And this is for Erin.” she peaks her head out from behind me and looks up towards Noah and the monkey. “That’s for me?” she asks quietly. Noah crouches down to be at her eye level and hands out the toy to her. “Yes, this is for you. Do you like monkeys?” He asks and I see a small smile appear on her face. “I do like monkeys. I saw some at the zoo a few days ago with my friend Ashely.” She holds out her hand to accept the offering. “Hi Erin.” he says with a warm smile, “I’m Noah, it’s very nice to meet you?” She slowly eases out from behind me and is now standing beside me and at eye level with Noah, still crouched. “It’s nice to meet you too. Even though you made my mom sad.” 

Oh, Jesus, this is going to be an interesting afternoon.

Next chapter

[harbo-urr]

Alhaitham's and Kaveh's relationship in the Sumeru arhon quest: new perspective (for me, maybe for you too!).

Oh it will be long...

It started with my short thoughts about their first on-screen dialog and how it feels different now compared to a year ago, but then spiralled into me re-watching the entire Sumeru archon quest to properly analyse Alhaitham's hidden struggles during it and Kaveh's (not big but) actual plot relevance.

Disclaimer: I'm aware that English VAs were way more emotional then Chinese, especially in 3.2, but, for the sake of having the information to analyse, lets believe that at least the official eng text of their interactions is more or less correct... (I'm sorry I only know English and other languages most likely have translation errors as well anyway).

I'm also assuming that you've read their character stories and know their more deep personalities, not just "cold smart guy and artsy broke guy".

Anyway, I hope someone will find the analyses below as entertaining as I do.

1. Kaveh and Alhaitham: what we see during their first on-screen interaction.

Now, let's all time travel into the day when the last part of Sumeru's quest dropped. These sweet days... Version 3.2, two versions before we got Alhaitham as a playable character and four versions before Kaveh. By this point we've already known a little information about Alhaitham, mostly from the archon quest itself, and next to nothing about Kaveh.

Well, we knew some info, but it was mostly leaks and speculations, nothing more than "a genius architect who lives with Alhaitham because he is broke".

Now, if you didn't read the leaks and just carefully played the quest, you could actually catch some phrases here and there that implied that Alhaitham lives with someone before it was openly confirmed, but again, it's not specific at all. That is why our first meeting with a brand new sexy blond boy was so extreme in all ways. It was beautiful, emotional, entertaining and... extremely toxic. Both Alhaitham and Kaveh behaved surprisingly aggressive (calmer in Chinese but still more negative then what we usually see now). It was fun to watch, and made a lot of people including me really interested in those two from the get go.

But re-watching this dialog now after almost a year felt... Weird. Yes sure, they bicker, it's their thing, but if you compare any other scene with them later it's not nearly as intense... especially on Alhaitham's side (yes, even if you don't listen to va and just read the lines).

So it got me thinking. Why did Alhaitham behave like that? Was it a random writing decision for the drama effect? Or was there something more going on that I didn't understand?

After going through everything from start to finish I believe that yes, there was. But I'll need go through a lot of content recap to fully explain what I mean.

2. First aka "the first on-screen" aka "Where were you when Sumeru needed you most!?" dialog

It is essentially our first glimpse of Kaveh, which we catch in the library on the search for Alhaitham.

Kaveh has just returned to the city so he has no idea what is going on. The shown interaction starts with Kaveh demanding Alhaitham to put his book away and explain what is happening at the Academia. The fact that Kaveh is already pretty irritated when we first see him tricks us into thinking that he's a short-tempered overly dramatic guy, which is...

Well, partly true, but having already experienced how sweet Kaveh actually is we can see through that and realize that Alhaitham most likely was ignoring Kaveh's questions for some time now, and that's why our Kaveh was already on edge when we started. Already weird and we're just at the first line.

After that they bicker a little, Kaveh again asks about the Academia, on which Alhaitham answers: "Oh? I thought you would already knew the inside story."

Then they bicker again (2) and Alhaitham goes hard on Kaveh here. He even agrees with Kaveh that he doesn't say anything nice about him, because "anyone who knows you as well as I do would do the same". DAMN, Alhaitham, that's brutal even for you, why are you so mad, is something bothering you? Oh well..

Then they bicker again (3) and Alhaitham proposes Kaveh to move out of his house, but Kaveh ignores it and tries asking about the Academia again. Alhaitham ignores it as well and says "Forget what's going on with the Academia, haven't you been busy with your construction project?".

Kaveh doesn't want to answer this question and says that he's "getting angry just thinking about it" (worth noting). Kaveh then wants to change the subject again, but Alhaitham doesn't give up and asks about Kaveh's project again ("Where were you when Sumeru needed you most?").

Then they bicker again (4) and Kaveh leaves to ask around.

Huh, that was heated...

Lets do a little bit of unpacking.

So, Kaveh wanted to know more about the Academia and Alhaitham was constantly changing the subject. It can be read as Alhaitham mocking Kaveh just for the sake of it, but if we pay a little more attention to what Alhaitham is saying every time he interrupts Kaveh, it becomes more interesting.

1) "Oh? I thought you would already knew the inside story."

2) "Forget what's going on with the Academia, haven't you been busy with your construction project?"

3) "Where were you when Sumeru needed you most?"

Each time Alhaitham changes the subject, he talks about Kaveh being away for the time of the quest. Let's remember the golden rule of miscommunication conflicts: to understand what actually bothers your opponent you need to spot a repetitive theme in their words. And Alhaitham has a pretty clear pattern. Interesting.

But let's move on to the next dialog.

3. Second aka "second on-screen" aka "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" dialog

Kaveh returns after asking around and confronts Alhaitham about it ("WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?") (just a funny line). After some bickering (5) Alhaitham agrees to finally tell him what happened. He mentions that Kshahrewar sage was a part of conspiracy as well on which Kaveh reacts surprised and says "...could this be why they sent me out on a project?". However Alhaitham replies that it's just a coincidence and proceeds to suddenly go hard on Kaveh again, saying "whatever you were doing won't have any significant impact now or in times to come" (auch, Alhaitham, auch). Then they bicker again (6) and the dialog ends.

This interaction is more relevant to the "Kaveh plot relevance" section, but the important things for now are:

Kaveh: "...could this be why they sent me out on a project?"

Alhaitham: "I think its just a coincidence ... whatever you were doing won't have any significant impact now or in times to come."

And why is it important?

I find the flow of this whole conversation to be very weird, since it goes "confrontation - agreement - information share - speculation - confrontation". In other words, first Alhaitham doesn't want to talk, but Kaveh persuades him, learns about the sage, brings up his mission in the desert, and Alhaitham returns to the confrontation mode again.

It can be interpreted as Alhaitham just using every opportunity to disagree with Kaveh just cause, but at the same time his words sours exactly after Kaveh talks about him being missing from the quest. Coincidence? I don't think so.

All these little things got me thinking. Why is Kaveh's absence so triggering for Alhaitham? Sure they're close or whatever, but they both value their freedom very highly and it's probably not too rare for them to disappear for a day or two for work. Why is it such a big deal now?

But then I also remembered that Kaveh, basically the only family Alhaitham has (yes I call people you willingly live with a family, its my life experience), went missing from home exactly when the fishy stuff at the Academia started resurfacing. And he was gone for a long time, at least for the duration of the quest, which is about two in game weeks.

Even if Alhaitham is not a very emotional person, he still values family, home, routine and comfort very highly. So, in theory, the sudden empty house should have affected him in some way, right? That's how I decided to check Alhaitham's behaviour during the archon quest and it was.. interesting.

4. Alhaitham's side of the Sumeru quest, with me fillng in the gaps.

Let's think about all these quest days from his perspective.

You're simple logical guy who already for quite some time lives with an annoying but kind of endearing roommate, who you drink coffee with in the morning and often discuss intellectual or not really stuff. Sometimes you argue but he's perspective on life fascinates you as a scholar, so you don't mind it too much. Ultimately you're just used to him in your life.

Then one day you go to your work, which brings you just enough money to feel completely comfortable, but you start feeling that something fishy is going on behind the scenes. Some sages disappear, your archon is treated like a power source and there are weird rumours about the divine knowledge capsules. Then you get a sudden assignment - investigate a blond traveller with a talking fairy. And sages propose to pay you with the divine knowledge capsule.

Suspicious. If it's such a big deal, why would they promise you it as a present for a simple spy work?

You decide to get to the bottom of this and for this you need to buy the capsule yourself. You're sure that the infamous merchant Dori has some, but you're definitely in the black list as the Academia's scribe... Ah, how lucky is it. Your roommate just so happen to have a strong connection to Dori. If you give him money and an excuse why he needs the capsule so much she would definitely sell it to him. It settled then.

You come home. But you're roommate isn't there. You wait. He doesn't come back. You're confused and decide to check using you're connections at the Academia, and... he suddenly was requested to the desert? And just left? Why would he leave exactly when everything was going to get weird? Did he know something? Did Academia want to temporarily move him out of the picture? Maybe they did something worse than that? Was it all a coincidence?

You don't know and you have no time. You need to spy on Traveller. You need to buy a capsule. It seems that you're alone in it.

Dori didn't sell you a capsule. That wasn't unexpected but still worth the try. You decide to make the mysterious traveller to buy it for you. It went great. You find out more about capsules, you steal one yourself. You realise that the divine knowledge offered by the sages was a trap to dispose of you. Your roommate still didn't come back. It's been what, almost a week? Whatever. It's nice and quiet at your home.

You meet Traveller again on your way to the desert to investigate the source of the capsules. You run into Cyno and a bunch of other people and you seem to finally get the lead to answers that you wanted. You find out that the capsules were extracted from the brains of scholars who were send to the desert by the Academia and then abducted. You're roommate was also sent to the desert by the Academia. Uh. He's fine. You have your problems to deal with.

You and your unexpected but quite pleasant team find out that sages want to create a God. It seems it's time to rescue your archon. You came up with a pretty good plan. Noe you need to return to the city after these couple of days in the desert. When you come home, your roommate still isn't there.

The next day your team is preparing for the plan and Cyno says that you all need to go home and have a good rest.

"...Thankfully I had my place to myself recently. It's been nice and quiet."

"...Huh?"

Dehya stares at you confused.

You didn't realise that you said it out loud and you're not sure how other people deal with situations when they say something without thinking.

"Oh, nothing"

You went home and slept alright.

The plan worked, Nahida was saved, sages punished, akasha destroyed, your comfortable routine is safe again. It's still nice and quite at home, so you go to the library to read some books.

"Alhaitham, what happened in the Academia?!"

You hear a familiar voice. After all this time he returns like nothing happened.

5. And this was a recap of Alhaitham's side of the archon quest!

Interpretations can vary of course, but the way I see it, Alhaitham was very bothered by Kaveh's sudden disappearance. He clearly expresses that he wishes Kaveh was in the team during the quest ("Where were you when Sumeru needed you most?"). From this we can guess that Kaveh really left without any warning and had Alhaitham known about it, he would most likely stopped him.

I think Alhaitham quickly found out where Kaveh was (connections) but he had no means of contacting him quickly and maybe didn't even know the exact location. At first it was a minor inconvenience because of the Dori situation, but he probably wasn't bothered to much by it. But after he found out that sages actively tried to dispose of him by making him insane, he probably realised that the situation was way worse that he initially thought. And Kaveh still was somewhere in the desert with no means to contact him.

So what Alhaitham does next? He goes to the desert. Yes, it was for the plot reasons, but let's agree, he at least considered a possibility that he could run into Kaveh there. But he never did. And what's more, he found out that the Academia was abducting scholars and sucking their brains out. Let's be real, the theory that Kaveh was send to the desert for the reasons connected to knowledge capsules, most likely was on Alhaitham's mind, and in a bad universe it could've been correct.

Well, Kaveh did return home after all. But by that point Alhaitham's supressed stress about this whole situation was so great, that it resulted in him being genuinely salty at Kaveh during their first on-screen dialog and even saying "Well, maybe then you should move out of my house" - which, at least from my point of view, is way worse then his usual teasing about Kaveh being broke and homeless or whatever.

6. About Kaveh's role in the archon quest besides making Alhaitham sad

Ag, that's a very fun topic. I don't know how I totally missed it the first time, maybe it was the lack of respect for Kaveh, idk, but he was 100% purposefully sent away for the time of the quest.

Sages wanted to move him out of the picture just like they wanted to do with Alhaitham using knowledge capsule. Except they knew that Kaveh would not be too interested in the capsules. So they needed something else to remove him... Like a sudden very urgent request to build a children's hospital somewhere very deep in the desert for people who are literally dying without it! Huh, well, I just made it up, but I believe that sages came up with something very similar.

Kaveh is the type of person to jump straight into any charity he sees and ask next to none questions about it, so it would be the easiest way to send him away for good. Plus I believe that it could've been the reason why he didn't talk with Alhaitham about it and disappeared so sudden. Children are dying! No time for talking! But then he arrived to the said place in the desert and it was just a mess. Maybe a fake project, maybe literally nothing, maybe a trap. In other words - not the project he was told he is needed for.

It's something that we don't get spelled out for us (Alhaitham even denies it cause he's angry at that moment), but timings are just too perfect to be a coincidence. And that's not the only proof - Kaveh himself heavily implies that there was something very fishy about this mission.

He straight up avoids answering Alhaitham's questions about it, and says "Thinking about it makes me angry". Why would he say this about the Academia project? It's not like he had a specific annoying client. Kaveh was sent as a representative from the Academia to be the head of some "construction project" after all, he presumably was the boss there. So it can only mean that there was something wrong with the project itself.

Plus immediately after he finds out that his sage was a part of the conspiracy, he says "So that's why they sent me there", which further implies that whatever was happening on that mission in desert – it was either absurd (if the sages just wanted to keep Kaveh away for some time) or very dangerous (if they wanted him dead). Unfortunately Kaveh's the last person who would tell us about the danger to his life, so we can forget about learning what the hell was that mysterious mission.

Ah, and about why would sages want Kaveh away. Sure it can be because of his connections to Alhaitham, but…

I think anyone who knows Kaveh more then 10 minutes would know that if he found out what sages are planning to do with a literal child and what they do to other scholars, he would die but not let them continue all of it. And he is quite popular among students and citizens alike, so he could've been a potential threat for the sages.

Makes me wonder how many other potential dangers did sages eliminate in some way for their plan. Probably not too many, but still interesting behind the scenes of their actions.

AND NOW, AFTER ALL THIS THINKING, I FINNALY, FINALLY, WAS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ALHAITHAM'S FINAL LINES IN THE ARCHON QUEST.

Let's return to the end of the act 5. After we had a feast at the Grand Bazar, we were able to one last time talk to each member of our Sumeru-rescue team.

Alhaitham said this:

Which was always bothering me, because:

One: He suddenly becomes quite sentimental and talks about happiness, which is cool to see, but at the same time... He very rarely talks about subjective emotions. And what's more, he seems genuinely enjoying the thought of it. He isn't really the kind of person who gets his sense of satisfaction out of someone else's happiness (it's one of the things he parallels Kaveh in), so what's this all about?

Two: He extremely abruptly switches the topic to point out that he "seems to have taken both keys when he left the house" (tbh I thought that I accidentally clicked on him the second time and it's the new dialog, but no, it is all specifically a one long dialog).

Well well well. What do we have here.

When I first read these lines I decided that's it's just a weird writing without normal conversation flow. First Alhaitham is satisfied that he's plan worked and his daily life is safe, but says it through pointing out that other people are happy rather then explicitly stating that he's happy. Then he yaoi baiting us with "haha, harassing Kaveh is so much fun" and that's all there is to it.

But.

Now that we know more about Alhaitham's daily life during the archon quest, let's think about the keys some more.

He was able to take both keys because Kaveh was at home and his keys were there either. On his way out to meet us, Alhaitham saw Kaveh's keys on their usual place and took them as well, ultimately making Kaveh unable to leave the house. Which also means...

Kaveh will definitely be at home when Alhaitham returns after the feast.

So if we flip everything based on this logic, Alhaitham tells us: "This is a great evening. This gathering is special. People are finally happy. They feel happiness from the bottom of their hearts. And when I return home there will be someone waiting for".

Which is. So. PRECIOUS!.. Something clicked in my brain when I first realized this meaning and these lines are finally making a lot of sense!

It's the perfect final words for his little character journey in this quest. He protected the life he had and loved, everything and everyone were back to normal again and for him it is a true happiness felt from the bottom of his heart. Just precious.

Final words

Anyway, yes, that's why I believe that during the archon quest Alhaitham was actually constantly worrying about Kaveh at the back of his mind and maybe even feeling lonely, which resulted in his great boom of toxicity during their first on-screen dialog, but after some time he cooled down and slipped into his usual happy comfortable and not "nice and quiet" life again.

And fuck the sages for sending away our boy Kaveh (who actually knows a lot about desert since he works there often) and making our rescue-Nahida-group one competent person shorter.

Thanks for your time and tears, you, the person who read this!

[stxrvel]

the voices in my head (7)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: you try to get answers, but not everything is as it seems. you may actually be living a lie.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +5k

warnings: bad words and descriptions of blood. a lot of confusing answers too.

note: ok guys. heres the next part in this series and i dont even know what happened. im kind of a let it happen writer, so i just started writing this chapter with what i had in my drafts, and the suddenly everyting came to life and started to write itself. like i dont know whats happening anymore, 80% of this wasnt planned. BUT i dont dislike the way this one turned out. im actually happy because it filled a gap in the plot that i'd had for some time and didn't know how to handle. as you may have seen in my reblogs, i dont tend to plan things out, i just start writing and the characters will tell me their stories. so, i just hope you guys love and ejoy this chapter!! know feedback is alwas appreciated! and i hope you end up as confused as i am. love you all!

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Bucky was in a haze. His fingers were trembling and he felt his heart racing to get out of his chest. He didn't know what he was doing, but he let his body guide him because there had to be a reason for all that, for all that fuss, for all that suffering. His feet hurt, he didn't even know how long he had been running for, but not even the rest of the team following behind him had made him stop until now. (Maybe they didn't want to stop him either.)

Maybe he was already in the middle of that city. There were too many buildings, sounds of car horns, the hurried footsteps of people walking past him, tapping his shoulder, not even looking at him as if he didn't even deserve to be recognized by a stranger before staggering his whole world.

Bucky wasn't sure he deserved many things anymore. He used to think it was all a gift, he used to think that after so much pain he was finally collecting happiness and peace of mind. He thought he really deserved it. But maybe he didn't. If all that had happened behind his back, if he had allowed it, if he hadn't even suspected it? Did he even deserve a look?

No, maybe he deserved those rubs, the footsteps on his boots, the coffee on his jacket. Maybe he deserved to feel that pain, that burning. Maybe it was the least he could do, it was the only thing he could give back, because in his foggy mind he couldn't think of what else he could do. He deserved that pain and more because it surely didn't even compare to yours, nor did it come close on the heels of everything you had to do.

There was a moment when he thought that had he had the chance to handle that damned time gem hanging around Strange's neck he would have done it without hesitation, not for a single second, not like that damned Stephen had hesitated and in vain. Maybe things would have been different, maybe everyone would be different now? Maybe you would hate him now. Maybe now the pain would be bearable. Maybe he wouldn't walk the streets of that city that had taken everything from him thinking the world had just fallen on his shoulders.

“Bucky, you're not going to find him,” he heard Carol speak to his left side, but his mind erased the memory.

He was alone walking through the city. He couldn't even remember why his white shirt felt sticky against his skin.

Whatever had happened that morning seemed to have been momentarily erased.

Bucky stopped.

What was he doing there?

The sound of morning stress suddenly stunned him. He shifted on his feet to look around, to see how everyone was still moving, how the sun was still shining and the clouds were racing across the sky, seeing how everything was still the same while for him everything had stopped.

“Where is she?” Bucky thought he was asking a voice in his head, a figment of his imagination, but the hand on his shoulder had to be real. It felt real.

-

Bucky didn't say much for much of the morning. You watched him, stoic and lost in thought from time to time, barely shaking his head in acknowledgement when you told him something. He had given no answer to your questions and as much as you wanted to keep asking, as much as you wanted to insist, something in his eyes prevented you from doing so.

So you spent a good part of the day like that, with Bucky at your side, reluctant to let go of your arm, not encouraging you to do anything else. Everything that had happened that day, all your crazy conjectures and theories slowly faded from your head as you relaxed by his side, letting go of the accumulated tiredness you'd felt since the day everything started to change.

And you had several strange dreams, surrounded by destruction, blows that felt strangely real, full of tears and full of suffering.

But one of them stood out from the others.

You were somewhat confused to see Bucky that morning. His mission was supposed to take at least a few more days and you had already made up your mind that you wouldn't see him for a while. Getting used to it was easy though, but you preferred to ignore that reality.

He passed right in front of you, walking as if it was nothing, ignoring your presence completely. Not that you were expecting anything different either. No, of course you weren't. After the way things left off when he left, you didn't expect him to forgive you so soon.

You could barely let out the air you were holding when he disappeared down the hall.

“What's wrong?” you heard Natasha's voice.

You turned around startled. She had planted herself next to you, her uniform dirty and heavily bloodstained.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it's not mine.” Natasha waved her hand in a nonchalant gesture.

“Why did you guys come back so soon?”

“The track was a dead end. There was nothing there.”

“It was a trap.”

“Yeah,” Natasha sighed, turning her head to see Steve getting off the Quinjet. “She knew we were going. She couldn't wait to see our stupid faces.”

You clicked your tongue. “How come she's always three steps ahead of us?”

“We've been wondering the same thing.”

Natasha had started walking toward the end of the hallway and you were about to follow her until you ran into a familiar face on one side of Steve.

“What's he doing here?”

Natasha didn't answer you, and when you turned to see her she had a tired expression on her face.

“Well since we've been going on so many missions without a good result, the UN panel that controls us is going to start limiting our outings.”

“What? But she's completely unpredictable!”

“I know, believe me we tried to talk to him. They contacted us since we were coming back. They're very adamant, and it's not like we can do much about it.”

Natasha giving up just like that didn't give you much hope. You watched Steve listen to Secretary Ross with his hands on his hips and a droopy expression. He didn't seem to agree much, but he couldn't say no either. Surely more than anyone else he was the one who was having the hardest time with the whole Accords thing.

You wanted to think for a moment that that was the real reason Bucky had ignored you when he arrived and not because of the discussion you two had that was overheard by half the building about three days before. The subject of the Accords was also a hard subject for him, but more than anything else because of the bombing, because of everything that had happened after that. The fight he blamed himself for every chance he got and the concede. They had been able to go far but not far enough. You knew Bucky spent many days thinking about all that.

But hey, besides that news he must still be pretty mad at you. At least that was something you could fix.

“So we're back to waiting,” you finally spoke up turning to look at Natasha. The woman barely twisted her lips in response.

“If they don't think this is a global threat, I don't know what one thing has to happen for them to let us do our job right,” Natasha walked down the hall with you trailing at her heels, a grimace on her face and a frown on her face. “Will it have to cost someone's life for them to notice?”

“Nat,” you furrowed your brow at her words. “We should think this is enough. Something worse could have happened. If Steve hadn't given up after the fight at the airport, where do you think they'd be now? And you? The group would have disbanded. We could have been pushed even harder, but the government and the countries were more condescending.”

“I wish it was enough for me. Thinking like that must bring you peace.”

You ran your tongue in front of your teeth with a disguised grimace. Natasha didn't notice as you watched her red hair and black suit as yoou approached the main hall of the Complex.

“I'm just thinking this way to ease the violent thoughts of you all. You know I didn't want to sign either.”

“But you did,” Natasha paused at the foot of the stairs. You could tell from there that Bucky was talking to Sam and Tony was meeting with Clint.

“It was all going to end very badly if I didn't. You know what they think of me. If I had gone with you and Steve they would have not only wanted to contain me but neutralize me. And you know they would've done it any way they could.”

Natasha's eyes flashed in recognition. You knew what was going through her head because you had been through it once before and it had been a horrible experience that had been burned into the minds of every one of your teammates. Especially Bucky's and yours.

“I wouldn't have let them near you,” she spoke, her voice soft and full of feeling.

“And I wouldn't have let you carry that for me.”

Natasha sketched a half-smile, shaking her head.

“I guess we'd both die trying to keep the other from dying.”

The conversation ended there and soon you were both in the living room near Clint and Tony. You watched them chat about the mission. You noticed the somber expression on Stark's face when Natasha told him that Secretary Ross was talking to Steve. You caught the moment when Clint sighed heavily and moved his hand to turn down the volume on the device in his ear, he did that every time someone mentioned something about the Accords or the Secretary. Sometimes even when someone talked about Germany. Clint was the most evasive of all on that subject.

Sam and Bucky were too far away for you to tell if they were listening the conversation, although considering that the latter had a super serum running through his veins, he probably had super hearing that allowed him to, even if it was against his will.

But despite the distance you could tell that his eyes were on yours. He was resting his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. His expression matched Tony's and you wondered how much it would cost you to get the two of them to sit down and talk about the things that had happened. Within that civil war, they were probably the ones who had had it the worst. But that was almost impossible, they both hated each other almost to death.

You were attracted by his gaze and started walking before you knew it. Sam stood up and gave you a nod of greeting as he passed you. Surely they had already spoken.

Bucky didn't stop looking at you until you took the spot where his friend had been.

“Are you okay?” you asked him, bringing your hand up to his right shoulder. He was too tense.

“Ross doesn't understand anything,” was what he replied, his voice laced with a hateful venom that sent a shiver down your spine.

“I know.”

“He's gonna get us killed. Him and that damn panel.”

“Bucky-”

“Nothing's going to make them understand until a massacre happens and that blood is on their hands.”

“Honey,” you stepped closer to your boyfriend, his body tensing even more, but moving closer to yours as if it were his nature. He straightened up and allowed you to fully embrace his right arm. “I think you can rest easy because you're doing your job and you're doing it well. I know you feel the helplessness, we all go through that. And I would love to tell you that we can change it and do something about it, but I can't. I can only remind you that you've been doing it right and you've been doing everything in your power to make it so. Ross and the panel are going to come to their senses at some point. They're going to understand what we're doing at some point and then we won't have to fight anymore.”

“I think you're the only one on the team who believes that,” Bucky tried to sketch a smile turning his face to look at you.

“Someone has to do it or you're always going to be like cats and dogs.”

“Yeah, you're the one who brings balance to this place,” his beady eyes didn't leave yours. “To me, too.”

You felt a sting behind your eyes and your chest compressed.

“Bucky, I'm sorry-”

“No, leave it.”

“No! It was my fault and I spoke to you too ugly-”

“I already forgave you, Y/N. Don't keep talking.”

“Don't do that. Let me tell you-”

Bucky reached up to plant a kiss on your lips. You reached up to move back a little, but his hand went around your waist and he pulled you tighter against him. He moved his lips over yours as if it had been months since the last time he did it, gentle, taking his time, savoring every second he could. Your hands cradled the sides of his face, kissing him back with the same intensity he gave you.

When he pulled away, you were breathing heavily.

“I said leave it.”

“You're mean.”

He moved closer and gave you another quick peck before settling back in. His eyes didn't leave yours even though your body was beginning to lose the warmth he'd given you. At that moment you thought you could spend your whole life like this and you would be entirely happy.

Apparently Bucky thought the same thing.

“Marry me.”

“What?” you exclaimed, an expression of surprise making its way across your features.

Bucky smiled at your half-open mouth.

“Marry me, Y/N.”

“Bucky…”

“I never wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone as much as I do with you. I can't even remember what it was like to live before you anymore. So, yeah, that's it, marry me.”

It had been at least about two hours and you couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt too real to have been just a dream.

You had woken up in a room all alone. There wasn't a single trace that Bucky had been there with you at any time. For a moment you thought maybe you'd dreamed all that day, but you could still feel the strength of Bucky's arms around your figure. You could still feel his breath in your ear every time he mumbled an apology from the bottom of his heart, not really knowing what he was apologizing to you for.

You felt it as real as that kiss. Like that emotion when in your dream he proposed to you. Maybe it wasn't a dream, you'd been married after all. But how could you remember that now? What had changed?

And that conversation with Natasha…

You heard the bedroom door open and a few seconds later Bucky appeared in front of you. You felt your stomach churn.

“You're awake,” he commented as he approached the bed. He set down a mug of hot liquid on the nightstand before sitting down across from you, and you stood a little while longer watching the smoke billow out. “You must have a lot of questions.”

You turned to look at him. He looked better than the last time you had seen him. Calmer and more serene.

“Go ahead. Ask.”

Even though yes, you did indeed have too many questions, at that moment you went blank. You felt like your heart was going to pound out of your chest with how fast it was beating, so hard it was thundering against your bones. With sweaty hands you tried to arrange your hair in a carefree gesture, but you were sure you had a desperate grimace on your face.

So much had happened in the last few days, and there was even something you still hadn't told Bucky…

Sighing, you decided to let out the first thing that came to mind.

“What are the Accords?”

You noticed Bucky's face process your question, his face contorting in confusion. “The Accords?”

For a moment you thought it wasn't true, and you were giving yourself the nod thinking you'd just had a meaningless dream, until Bucky spoke again.

“Where did you hear about that?”

You frowned. “Is it real?”

“Yes,” Bucky nodded quickly. “The Sokovia Accords. It's a document signed by a large number of countries that allows a United Nations panel to monitor the activities of the Avengers.”

That made sense according to what you remembered from that dream. So it could be true…

“How did you propose to me?”

Bucky frowned even more than the previous time, and you knew that maybe those weren't the questions he was expecting, but you needed to know.

“Uhm,” Bucky took a moment before answering. “I had just returned from a mission where we were ambushed. I was nearly killed. Maybe I had a moment of lucidity, I don't know, all I knew was that I'd never felt so scared about not being able to be with you. So I came in, we talked and I just did it.”

“Did anything happen while you were coming in from the mission, before you made the proposal?”

“Mmm, yeah, something did happen,” Bucky looked more than confused somewhat suspicious. “The Secretary of State is like the spokesman for the panel I mentioned to you. That day coming back from the mission he contacted us to tell us that we would have to start getting out less and plan better plans, long story short. I was very angry. Too angry. And you and I… Well, we had argued before I left so we didn't talk as soon as I got there. But yeah, that happened.”

So it was a memory.

“Y/N? Why are you asking me these things?”

“You told me to ask.”

“Yeah, well,” Bucky pursed his lips. “I didn't expect you to ask me those questions.”

“Why is there a dome around the Complex?”

“Well,” Bucky cleared his throat. “Generally speaking, in the beginning it was to keep the military from intervening in the Complex because… let's just say we did something against the rules of the Accords for a while. Then we decided to keep the dome to prevent him from finding us.”

“Him? Who is he?”

“They call him The…”

For a moment you stopped hearing Bucky, though you could see his mouth was still moving. A high-pitched whistling filled your hearing. It was loud and painful. You moved your hands to the sides of your head to try to isolate yourself from the sound, but you felt it coming from inside you.

“… are you okay? Y/N?”

You could hear him again. That was weird.

“What happened?”

“I don't know,” you moved your jaw to uncover your ears, but in a second it seemed like nothing had happened. “I felt a ringing in my ears, but too loud.”

Bucky arched an eyebrow, scanning your face. You could tell the concern on his face and it compressed your chest.

“I'm fine, what were you saying?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, go on.”

Bucky hesitated for a few seconds, his eyes still detailing your features as a precaution. Finally he sighed and shook his head in assent.

“Well, the man you most likely saw on television was…”

You lost your hearing again and a second after you saw Bucky's mouth move without a sound, the high-pitched beeping returned. That time it was so loud that you couldn't help but scream even though you couldn't hear anything. You felt Bucky's hands on your forearms as you covered your ears again, but it seemed to increase the beeping and along with it your vision tried to go white. You thought you saw a hand outstretched in front of you.

You were about to lose your mind until you finally found silence again.

You had leaned forward and Bucky had leaned over you.

“Bucky?”

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You straightened up and he quickly did the same. His eyes desperately searched your face and body for something.

You felt dizzy all of a sudden, and when you reached up to massage your temples that's when you saw the blood.

So did Bucky.

You brought your hands to the sides of your face and it felt wet. For a moment you felt like you were going to throw up.

Bucky took your face in his hands and turned it sideways, looking at the blood that seemed to have come out of your ears. You couldn't look away from your blood-stained hands. For some reason, you felt a strange familiarity in your chest.

“Bucky…” you mumbled without looking up. “What happened? The day of the accident, what the fuck happened?”

“Y/N, are you-”

“Say it,” you raised your head. His frown made you uncomfortable.

“I don't think-”

“Tell me, Bucky.”

It looked like Bucky thought he knew what was going on and didn't want to subject you to it, but you'd seen something and you felt that's where the answer was.

“Say it and don't stop talking.”

Your features were hard, you didn't give a single space for doubt. And Bucky sighed when he realized he couldn't convince you.

“The accident was because of…”

There it was again. Louder and angrier than the previous two times. It seemed to want to berate you for some reason. So much anger was overwhelming. The sound was deafening. The pain was uncontainable. You couldn't help but shout as you felt like you were being ripped in two.

And then, you saw it. A hand stretched out in front of you.

Writhing in pain, you gripped it tightly.

And you opened your mouth to take a big breath of air.

Everything was white around you. To your left, right, above and below. There wasn't a single shadow or a sign that so much brightness was coming from somewhere. The white seemed to stretch on forever when you started walking, because there was no sign of even corners or stairs. It was a simple white plane.

You walked as if that was the solution. As if at some point you were going to come across something that would give you the answer, but there was simply nothing.

And when you finally stopped, you heard it. You recognized it instantly.

What are you doing?

You moved sideways, looking for the source of that voice, but there was no one even miles away. You couldn't see a single speck.

“Who are you?” you exclaimed angrily to no one in particular.

I'd already told you.

“No! Drop the fucking mystery, who the fuck are you?”

Silence followed your question.

“Didn't you want me to trust you? You told me they were the bad guys.”

They are, the voice replied.

“Then prove it. Tell me who you are. Let me trust you.”

There was silence for several seconds, and in between all the emptiness you swore you could go crazy. Fine, and you were already hallucinating things.

But then… footsteps.

You turned suddenly.

There was a man. Very short hair, with a big beard that hid his whole jaw. Dark clothes, a jacket and a baggy jean. He was leaning against something, with his hands inside his jean pockets, even though no matter how hard you looked you never found an object there. He must have been handling what was going on here. His face was barely minimally familiar to you, but not enough to make you suspect him.

“Who are you?”

“You can call me Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel? He didn't sound remotely familiar.

“You were the one who did that thing?”

“What thing, Y/N?”

“The beeping.”

“Ah. I couldn't risk getting your head filled with lies. I told you I'd take care of it.”

“And you had to hurt me in the process?”

“My apologies. It was the only way.”

“Are you seriou? Bringing me here was the only way too?”

You watched the man, Nathaniel, undo his serene expression for the first time to frown at you. He moved to approach you and you couldn't stop your body from shifting away from him.

“Don't you know you're the one doing this? You called me here. This is your invention.”

“What? No. That's impossible. I didn't… I'm not…”

You looked around. It couldn't be you. You didn't even know where you were while Nathaniel could sit comfortably waiting for you. It couldn't be your doing.

“This is your mind, Y/N. Don't you recognize it?”

Miles of emptiness greeted you as you turned to survey the place. That shit was impossible.

“Well, it's missing some memories, sure.”

You frowned and turned to look at him. He seemed to have his hands folded behind his back and he had that calm, almost expressionless face again. He looked like someone who inspired confidence, you didn't doubt that if people looked at him they would surely believe him because that was the aura he had around him. Still… the tightness in your chest wouldn't go away.

“But it's still yours.”

“You can… bring my memories back?” you weren't entirely sure why you asked, it just popped in your head, out of nowhere. It wasn't as crazy as it sounded taking in consideration that he was the beeping in your ears. He definitely could do something. Maybe it was your subconscious.

You noticed when his eyes twinkled as he shook his head. A small smile crept onto his face, as if he'd been waiting for that question.

“Well, I can definitely try.”

You felt a relief sweep through your entire body.

“You're on my side, right?” your cautious side came to the fore.

“Of course, Y/N. I've been trying to help you all this time. It's a little hard, but I've tried.”

“It's hard?”

“Yes, it's just that…” the man, Nathaniel, averted his gaze from yours as if he was thinking about whether or not to continue. When he looked back at you his expression was much softer, more real, “You're too far away. I can't do much like this.”

“And where are you?”

Nathaniel smiled, “Even if I told you, you couldn't look for me. You can't get through the dome.”

You clicked your tongue. You had the chance to finally remember everything in the palm of your hand and you wanted to take it with all your might. Because you had already realized that this man was very powerful and that, in his delusions of helpfulness, he wouldn't let anyone in the group tell you the truth. If he wouldn't even let Bucky do it, he wouldn't let anyone but him do it. And you had a bad feeling, but what else could you do?

“Then you'd have to come to where I am.”

Nathaniel nodded slightly. “Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you.”

“I'm at the Avengers Complex,” you spoke after a sigh. “In Washington.”

The man in front of you sketched a smile, but rather than reassuring you it was more nerve-wracking.

“Ah, you see. I told you you couldn't trust them.”

“What are you talking about?”

Nathaniel resumed walking, his steps getting closer and closer to you.

“You're not at the Complex or anywhere near Washington.”

“What? But…”

“They've got you trapped. They won't let you out. They won't even tell you where you really are.”

You shook your head in denial. What he was saying made no sense. You could literally see the city from the roof of the building. You had even gone out one of those days and toured the city, how was it possible that you weren't in Washington?

Although… You weren't even sure what Washington was really like. You had no memory of that city in your head. You had never seen the city anywhere else. You were just told you were there and assumed that what you saw was that city. But what if it wasn't?

“Find out where you are, Y/N,” Nathaniel spoke again while you were still lost in your head. Almost at the same time, the ground began to shake. “Figure it out and come back and tell me where I can find you and get you out of there.”

The ground shook vehemently, but the man in front of you didn't look as scared as you did. He still had that calm expression, his hands in his pockets and his head cocked to one side. He was looking at you as if he longed for something from you.

You no longer had the slightest idea what was going on.

And then you heard other footsteps approaching fast.

“Y/N!”

You recognized her instantly, but instead of being reassured, you were frightened.

You turned around to find Wanda Maximoff trying to get closer to where you were, running through the white debris falling from somewhere above.

“They're going to try to get you away from me,” Nathaniel spoke, and you moved to look back at him.

“Get away from him!” Wanda exclaimed.

“They don't want you to know the truth. Even if you think they're going to tell you the truth, they're not. It's a lie. It's always been a lie.”

“Y/N!”

“They didn't even tell you where you really are.”

“Shut the fuck up! Y/N, don't listen to him!”

“They've been keeping things from you for a year. They didn't even want to tell you that you have powers.”

“Don't listen to him!”

“If you hadn't brought it up to Bucky Barnes, he never would have told you.”

The way his name came out of his mouth was disgusting. You never wanted him to mention his name ever again.

“Think about that,” Nathaniel finished and watched beside you as the woman kept running trying to dodge the falling debris for some reason; mind you, it wasn't falling where you were, just where she was stepping. “Goodbye, Wanda, see you soon.”

When you turned around, the man was gone, and when you turned around again, Wanda crashed into you with a thud.

You opened your mouth to take a breath of air. You felt your body heavy. The first thing your eyes registered was color. You were no longer on that white plane, in your mind, you were back in the room.

But you were not alone.

Sound came slowly to your hearing, as you could barely differentiate between the faces that peered out to see you. You stopped when you found Wanda's reddish hair right in front of you. The hands at your temples must have been hers. It must have been the same as last time.

You sat up with a jolt and didn't disown, though you felt a whiplash of pain run from your back to your feet. You looked back at the woman who had gotten into your head sitting across from you. Your head had been in her lap. She looked as tired as you.

“Nothing he said is true,” was the first thing Wanda said, holding up her hands as if her sound of peace meant something to you.

“He?” you heard Bucky's voice, and that was the only thing that made you tear your gaze away from Wanda's clear eyes. “Who are you talking about?”

When you found Bucky, you clutched at his hands.

“Y/N,” Wanda spoke again. “What he said isn't true. He's a manipulator. He'll do anything to get you on his side, but you can't believe him.”

“So I'm supposed to believe you guys?” you almost spat the words out, an overwhelming fury roaring deep in your chest. You squeezed Bucky's hands as you turned to look at him. “Bucky, where are we?”

“Y/N, no,” Wanda interfered, but that only unleashed your fury.

“Shut up!” you raised your hand in her direction and the woman moved back a considerable distance on the ground, as if she had been pulled. You looked back at Bucky. “Tell me, where are we?”

Bucky was looking away, most likely to where Wanda was, but you didn't have time for that. You moved your hands to cradle Bucky's face and bring his eyes back to yours. That position brought back the memories of your dream and you felt a sharp pain in your head when that happened.

The moment Bucky turned to look at you, you felt as if a sword had cut you in two. An electrifying light and a bunch of scenarios where you had taken in Bucky's face in the same way.

“Y/N?”

You blinked rapidly, pushing those memories out of your mind. It seemed that every time an image of those appeared in your mind it was accompanied by excruciating pain.

“Answer me, please.”

“We're at the Complex, Y/N. In Washington,” Bucky replied and you felt his words were dirty.

“No,” you frowned and your hands over his face took on strength. “Where are we really?”

“Y/N,” Bucky looked confused, and for a moment you thought he had been lied too, until he moved his eyes to look behind you and without turning you knew who was there.

“Look at me,” you commanded between your teeth and his clear eyes focused solely on yours. “Tell me where we are.”

Bucky began to shake his head and reluctantly closed his eyes tightly. It seemed that simple question caused him physical pain.

“I-I can't. I can't tell you, Y/N.”

“Bucky, stop it. Don't talk.”

The order came from Carol Danvers, and you hated the way the man's face contracted as he heard it. You didn't want him to listen to her.

You wanted to turn to see her, you wanted to tell her that it wasn't her place to order him such things, that she was no one to talk to him like that. But Bucky's hands cupped your face before you could see her in your peripheral vision. His pleading eyes melted your heart and again you felt the pain shatter your head.

A hundred more scenarios where Bucky had looked at you that way.

“Y/N, relax, okay? We're going to talk, but I want you to calm down first, okay?”

You took a deep breath, trying to push through the pain, and nodded in his direction.

“Okay, all right, breathe with me.”

You noticed his chest inflate as he inhaled and mimicked his action. Also when he exhaled. And then again and again and again. Until you felt a little more serene and Bucky's eyes looked warmer.

Maybe it was what had happened with that man in your head, because of the stress you'd felt and the hopelessness when you woke up and felt for a moment that everyone was against you, but suddenly you felt so tired that you just laid your head on Bucky's shoulder and closed your eyes.

--

a/n: thank u so much for reading 💜

Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283 @vicmc624 @calwitch

[wistfulweaverwoman]

I have been marinating on something for the last day.

For roughly ten years I have been sharing my analysis of different aspects of THG books, but I started writing in depth character analysis before I ever joined the fandom. By nature of analysis they are subjective to comprehension, education, and personal experiences, however, I do my absolute best to keep them as unbiased as possible.

I understand that what I offer may not be what you've interpreted, and that's fine. We can discuss where we're each coming from, and agree to disagree if we don't come to an understanding. There are some things that I've shifted on over the years as I learn more about classic literature and symbolism, and even people pointing out text in a way that I never noticed. My mind continually seems to be blown by these books.

What's completely uncool is to not only tell me that my analysis is wrong, but that Susanne Collins wouldn't want me to interpret what I did, they way I did.

Motherfucking what now?? The two of you bffs? You discuss this over brunch??

So what's my beef? It stems from the kerfuffle from a few days ago where there was a bit of arguing over Katniss and whether she felt sexually aroused when Gale kissed her in 2. I did't know this was hotly debated issue till after. The person was complaining about Gale and so I offered some insight by linking my Gale analysis, (which I've already decided needs to be rewritten because there's things I'd like to add or provide further clarification on).

My analysis is metaphorical, specifically comparing THG to Dante's Comedies and how the series is Katniss's own journey through the seven hells to paradise through spiritual transformation.

They said they agreed with everything except Gale having sexual feelings for Katniss (weird take, but okay). I went on to explain that Gale represents the most base of men, and that that he's meant to provide contrast to the feelings she has for Peeta, which elevate above sexual desire to a more spiritual level. Specifically, the cave kiss, when Katniss first realizes that she does not want to lose the boy with the bread, mirrors the kiss in 2 with Gale, in which she realizes Peeta will never come back or she’ll never return and she’ll go to the Capitol to die, and he’ll die hating her… all while Gale is actively kissing her neck. And because nothing matters anymore she kisses him back:

“Gale’s touch and taste and heat remind me that at least my body’s still alive, and for the moment it’s a welcome feeling. I empty my mind and let the sensations run through my flesh, happy to lose myself.”

They then tell me that Katniss only feels arousal 2-3 times in the book (whereas I believe it's more, but they're feelings that aren't worth mentioning because those feelings aren't important, but there's hints in the narrative of her desire for Peeta, often in bed) and that what she felt while Gale was touching her wasn't arousal. I say let's agree to disagree, and then they @ me TWO more times to continue to tell me I'm wrong and the bit about SC. So they're blocked, which I have never done before, beside porn bots.

PSA for the folks that don't know this because they haven't experienced these yet:

There's a difference between sexual arousal from physical stimulation, being sexually attracted to a person, and being with someone you're in love with.

You can, in fact, be aroused by someone you're not at all attracted to, it's a physical response to stimuli. Even rape victims have felt sexual arousal, which is totally normal, though generally leaves them with a sense of shame and horror. So yes, Katniss was aroused, but not actually attracted to Gale. Again, this provides contrast to what she feels with Peeta!

"I kissed Peeta about a thousand times during those Games and after. But there was only one kiss that made me feel something stir deep inside. Only one that made me want more. But my head wound started bleeding and he made me lie down. This time, there is nothing but us to interrupt us. And after a few attempts, Peeta gives up on talking. The sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body, out along my arms and legs, to the tips of my being."

When she's referring to how she feels with Gale it's described physically and she uses the word "flesh". What she feels with Peeta is far far more than sexual arousal. She's not saying she's horny. Katniss feels this in her soul: "to the tips of my being".

You don't have to agree with me, but if you're going to come at me with half baked theories at least back it up with textual evidence, and not like throw some bullshit at me. Stop projecting your own shit on these characters and then calling it #cannon!!

[marimitozpen]

how to find a family and yourself, too

Summary: He supposes he becomes a man somewhere along the way, begrudgingly accepting the role as if it was some new expectation he needed to rise to. He never questioned why it was that way, just that it was. It's just some truth of the world: the sea is blue, his hair is green, and men just have to pretend to know what being a man is.

Or, Zoro realizes he is not as cis as he thinks he is, and that the crew doesn’t care, and that he really loves his family.

★★★★★★★★★★

Hi! This fic was originally uploaded to ao3 exactly two years ago today, and in honor of its second birthday I wanted to crosspost to tumblr. This is the only fic I've ever uploaded, and I wrote it as a way to process the fact that I am agender. A lot of Zoro's thoughts and feelings are based on my own. I know there's not a market for agender Zoro, but I know that this fic helped people from my ao3 comments. The original fic is under a different name, and I went through and edited this one before crossposting, because I have improved over the past two years. Anyways, enjoy!

*slight spoilers up to and including fishman island*

★★★★★★★★★★

The first time it happens, Zoro is ten years old.

The day isn’t going well, anyways. Zoro has been training tirelessly at the Isshin Dojo for an entire year already, dedicating all he has into finally defeating Kuina. She is his last obstacle, and just that day, she had beaten him in their 2,000th match. 2,000 times, Zoro had taken up the bamboo swords, and 2,000 times Kuina had struck him down. She’s still so far away, this unreachable pillar that Zoro just can’t defeat, no matter how hard he tries. Zoro is at his wits end, trying to understand how he is ever going to get out of this dojo, how he is ever going to move forward.

It’s hopeless, really. How could Zoro ever hope to become the greatest when he can’t even defeat the girl in front of him?

So, he takes up his swords, real ones made of steel and sharp enough to slice anything, and challenges Kuina. He finds her outside, sitting by the side of the road, and starts yelling. “I plan to make this our last fight, I’m going to end this! Fight me with a real sword!”

It is exhilarating , the most exciting thing in Zoro’s short life up to this point. Bamboo swords and sparring do not compare to the thrill of putting your life on the line, the danger of getting hurt for real, the scent of steel and sparks in the air. Kuina is just as difficult to defeat as ever, always faster or stronger than him. Zoro’s arms ache from the weight of the swords, and Kuina teases him, and she still manages to toss him in the air like a ragdoll. Their 2,001st match; Zoro’s 2,001st loss. The weight of the defeat is crushing, and as much as Zoro doesn’t want to, he starts to tear up.

But then, for reasons Zoro just can not understand, Kuina tells him that he shouldn’t cry. She tells him that eventually, just because she is a girl, she will start to get weaker. That she won’t be taken seriously. That just because of her gender, she can never be the strongest .

It makes Zoro feel a lot of emotions, a lot of which he can’t really decipher right now. If Kuina is giving up on being the greatest for some stupid reason like being a girl, where does that leave Zoro? All of his training so far has been just to defeat her, and here she is, saying she was just going to lose someday. What about all of this strength I’ve worked for? Zoro thinks. What about the strength you worked for? Does it all just disappear, because you grew up and that makes you weaker?

There was something else, too, something a lot harder to put words to. Just as Kuina is accepting defeat because she was a girl, she’s basically telling Zoro that he’s destined to win because he was a man. He’s everything she wishes she was, born to be stronger and faster and naturally more talented, and Zoro just can’t stand it. It feels like an unbelievable weight on his shoulders, just another thing he has to work for and grow into. Who says I have to be a man like that? Why does it matter? None of this matters, just our training!

Zoro finally gives Kuina a piece of his mind, yelling about the things that were easier for him to understand. He tells her that when the day comes that he finally beats her, it will be because he worked for it and earned his own strength, not because of her gender. And that she can’t just give up on being the greatest, because he is going to surpass her. Kuina smiles at him, and under the moonlight, they make a promise. One of us will become the world’s greatest swordsman.

Zoro gets everything out that night, but he still goes to bed feeling like something was wrong. But how could he explain the sinking feeling in his stomach, the gut instinct that Kuina was wrong? He’s already gotten her to agree that her strength and training were more important than something like her gender, so why does he still feel so odd?

She just… told me I was a man. I never thought about it until now, but am I? What does that mean? Does that mean beating Kuina, becoming the strongest? Zoro’s thoughts run wild for a minute, and he lets them, before he thinks about how swordsmanship was mind as well as body. Whatever was happening, it didn’t matter, it was just a bump in the road. He just decides that Kuina was what made a man, that if gender matters so much, he’ll just earn his when he beats her. It’s simple enough, and Zoro finally drifts to sleep.

He never gets the chance to beat Kuina. The next day, his world comes crashing down. Kuina had died, slipped down the stairs and away. Forever out of Zoro’s reach.

It was really, really hard to accept for a long, long time. Zoro throws himself into his training, trying to ignore the way he could still see her out of the corners of his eyes, focused only on becoming stronger so that he could live up to their promise. Zoro never settles for anything less than the best, and now he has to carry Kuina’s dream, too.

Kuina’s father hands over her sword, and it feels heavy with expectation but perfectly balanced in Zoro’s small hands. Carrying along Kuina’s legacy was still difficult sometimes, but sometimes he feels like having someone there with him makes it easier. Zoro pushes forward, both striving to surpass Kuina and to bring her along with him.

Zoro doesn’t think about his weird feelings from that night again for a long time. It’s easy to ignore in the monotony of the dojo – he doesn’t stand out from the other kids in anything but strength. They all wear the same uniforms, sleep in piles on the floor, train and live and fight together. Zoro pushes himself a little beyond what was reasonable sometimes, but that’s all just training to become the strongest. Some days, the pressure he feels is so overwhelming that every “he” he hears stings, but that’s okay. He can ignore it.

He supposes he becomes a man somewhere along the way, begrudgingly accepting the role as if it was some new expectation he needed to rise to. He never questioned why it was that way, just that it was. It's just some truth of the world: the sea is blue, his hair is green, and men just have to pretend to know what being a man is. He doesn’t get to seriously question it again until nine years later, when Zoro finds himself as one member of a two-member pirate crew, sailing away from a Marine base and on to something new.

----------

Zoro wakes up to Luffy singing, loud and bright and right in Zoro’s ear. Zoro doesn’t regret joining up, because he can tell this kid is going to take him far, but he also really wants to sleep right now. He’s not made of rubber, he can’t just bounce back into place after being injured the way his new captain can. Zoro cracks one eye open and turns his head in Luffy’s direction, intent on giving the younger boy a piece of his mind.

Instead, his eyes fall on Luffy’s chest. Luffy’s vest is open, and there are two long, thin cuts on either side of his chest. They look old, already healed, but Zoro still panics.

“Luffy, your chest! Did you get hurt back at the Marine base? Why didn’t you tell anyone!” he shouts, sitting up as quickly as he can.

Luffy just cocks his head, looking terribly confused. Then, as if a lightbulb has gone off in his head, he smiles. “Oh, are you talking about my scars?”

Zoro nods, swallowing. Those scars look painful , and Zoro is kinda shocked that Luffy is being so nonchalant about all of this. He is pulled out of his thoughts by laughter.

“I got surgery a year ago! Pretty cool, right? I told Gramps I wouldn’t become a Marine unless I got it, so he paid for me to have surgery, then I became a pirate anyways. I sure showed him, huh?”

Zoro’s head is spinning. He doesn’t know who Gramps is or why he wanted Luffy to become a Marine, and he still doesn’t know why Luffy got this surgery. His confusion must be clear on his face, because Luffy starts explaining again.

“Are you confused on why I got the surgery?” he asks gently. Zoro nods.

“It’s cause I’m trans!” Luffy announces with a grin. “Do you know what that is?”

Zoro shakes his head at that. Is this something I should know? he thinks, but Luffy is quick to dispel his worry.

“Don’t worry, lots of people don’t know! I didn’t even know for a long time. Basically, it means I wasn’t born as a boy. My brain and my heart always said I was a boy, even though my body didn’t. So I had to change my body to match.”

Luffy’s explanation makes sense to Zoro, but he still feels confused, although for a different reason. Not born as a boy…  Zoro just didn’t know that was something that could happen. He is silent for a long time, and Luffy just starts humming beside him. Zoro thinks he might recognize the tune.

After a long time, Luffy finally speaks up again. “Zoro, you’re… okay with it, right?”

Zoro startles a bit, then processes Luffy’s question. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Luffy shrugs, one hand playing with the brim of his straw hat. “I dunno… it’s just that some people aren’t. You went all silent on me, I didn’t know what you were thinking.”

Zoro smiles at Luffy. It’s weird, because smiles used to be rare for Zoro, but it seems like his captain is able to draw them out of him so easily. “It’s okay, captain. I was just thinking about something else.”

Luffy laughs again. The sun is dipping lower on the horizon, washing their boat in shades of orange and purple, but Luffy’s face is as bright as the sun. “That’s good, cause I would’ve had to fight you if you weren’t okay with it.” He sways a little where he sits, coming to rest with his head on Zoro’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna fight my crew. That’s not what nakama’s for.”

Zoro just looks ahead, still deep in thought. He is vaguely aware of Luffy falling asleep on his shoulder, but for some reason, he doesn’t push the boy off. He just sits, thinking. Not born as a man… so how did you know, then? Did someone tell you that you were a man, just like Kuina told me?

What does all of this mean? I never just… felt like a man, I had to make myself feel like one. So am I a woman, then? Is that an option? Zoro’s racing mind halts for a second as he considers this train of thought. He snorts as he realizes how stupid it is. Okay, definitely not a woman. I guess this is what Luffy felt, then. Just not a woman.

It all starts to make a little more sense to Zoro. If all it takes to be a man is just not being a woman, then Zoro has that down pat. The rest will be easy. And yet, Zoro still feels strange. It feels like a door is opening up to him. Something is starting to change, and he can’t tell what yet.

----------

Zoro hates Sanji the moment he sets eyes on him. The cook is pretentious, starting a fight with a Marine over some soup, and Zoro can’t stand how preachy Sanji is. Then, he starts getting all flirty with Nami, which also pisses Zoro off. This Sanji guy is a real idiot, and if Zoro didn’t respect Luffy so much, he would be really worried about this guy joining the crew.

But there’s something else about Sanji that irks Zoro, something he can’t quite put his finger on. He could go on for days about how Sanji is loud, and rude, and stuck-up, and stupid; but it feels like Zoro is skirting around some other issue. Luffy and Zoro are just as loud and rude, and according to Nami they’re even dumber than Sanji. Most of these qualities don’t even bother Zoro, so why does Sanji just have this way of pushing all of Zoro’s buttons?

After a few weeks and a few run-ins with death (and a very valuable reality check for Zoro), Zoro begrudgingly accepts Sanji’s presence on the crew. He has to admit, the other man is damn good in a fight, both as an ally and as an opponent. He’s also a very, very good cook, but Zoro would never tell him that. He doesn’t need Sanji’s ego getting any bigger, the thing is already threatening to sink the Merry. 

But Sanji still pisses Zoro off to no end.

The two of them get along like a house on fire. They will argue about anything and everything, much to Luffy’s amusement and Nami and Usopp’s chagrin. Zoro will insult the cook’s stupid eyebrows and Sanji will insult Zoro’s unusual hair color, and they will exchange blows just as often as they have each other’s backs. It makes things slightly tense, but still interesting.

Sanji is everything Zoro hates about men, Zoro realizes one day. He is cocky and rude and he pushes himself onto women, he is over-the-top and annoying and oh so performative. Zoro can’t stand him, because he’s everything Zoro’s not and he’s everything Zoro doesn’t ever want to be and he’s so damn loud about it.

This realization does absolutely nothing to remedy Zoro and Sanji’s relationship. Zoro is not only mad at Sanji at this point, he’s just as mad at himself for realizing what Sanji is and what he’s doing and feeling threatened by it. Seriously, Zoro has no reason to be questioning himself right now, and yet Sanji just manages to get under his skin and make him actually think. Zoro doesn’t like thinking all that much, he much prefers actions.

It makes Zoro wonder why Sanji is like this and how exactly his masculinity or whatever has the power to make Zoro so mad. It has Zoro questioning his own masculinity, because he is so different from Sanji so how can he be sure he’s doing it right? It makes Zoro think about his place on the crew, because it used to be easy; there was Luffy, the captain; then Zoro, then Usopp and Nami. Now there’s Sanji, and he has the potential to be Zoro’s equal in terms of strength, and Zoro just feels so strange about all of this. 

Zoro deals with it the way he deals with all of his non-physical problems: he ignores it. If Zoro can’t slice through a problem, it simply can’t be solved, from his point of view. Not that he doesn’t try slicing through Sanji, but the cook is quick enough to put up a fight. And besides, Luffy would probably be pretty upset if Zoro hurt or killed his beloved cook. 

The two of them continue to fight, and Zoro might even be starting more fights on purpose now, because he’s just angry with himself and Sanji and what better way to take it out? Eventually Nami puts some sort of stop on it and gives them both a stern talking-to, but that’s only because Sanji can’t say no to her and she’s threatening to raise Zoro’s debt if he keeps starting unnecessary fights. This doesn’t end the fighting entirely, not by a long shot, but at least some semblance of peace returns to their small ship. If Sanji were gone , Zoro thinks, peace could return entirely. But unfortunately, Sanji is there to stay, and he is there to be a thorn in Zoro’s side for the entire rest of their journey.

----------

Zoro did not expect to be literally facing his past when he woke up this morning and departed the ship to explore Loguetown, but here he is. Staring into the face of a dead girl who is shouting words at him that he hasn’t heard in almost a decade, and Zoro just feels so many things he might not be able to handle it.

Tashigi has been popping up around Zoro all day; he saw her on the street and accidentally broke her glasses, she dragged him to the Marine base for chores, he escaped but met her again at the swords shop, she finally recognized him and chased him down. And here they are, standing in the rain, as she taunts him.

As if it weren’t bad enough that she’s forcing her stupid ideal of justice on him, insulting his bond with his sword because he’s a “criminal” or whatever, Tashigi starts repeating the words that Kuina shouted that day all those years ago. She seems insulted that Zoro isn’t taking her seriously, interprets it not as an offense to her own skill, but an attack on her gender. Kuina’s face and Kuina’s words… it’s all too much for Zoro.

“Is it because I’m a woman?” Tashigi screams. “You view me as weak, you won’t finish me off! Take me seriously! You don’t understand what it’s like, to wish you were born a boy!” She’s so loud and so pushy and Zoro finally just snaps. He whirls around and starts yelling back, even though he knows it’s childish.

“Everything about you pisses me off! You have the same face as my close friend who died years ago, and then you start shouting the same things as she does! Give me a break, you copycat!” Zoro breathes in, and Tashigi starts arguing back, but Zoro continues. “I’ll tell you what I told her; your gender has nothing to do with it, only your skill and mine. And if I didn’t take you seriously, take that as an offense to your skill, because I held back because you were weak! Don’t blame it on gender!”

Tashigi just stands there, staring at him. It’s clear she’s never been talked to like this; her jaw is hanging open and Zoro is pretty sure that there’s tears mixing in with the rain on her cheeks. He scowls at her, then turns back to go find his captain, leaving her in the dust.

Later, when Zoro is back on the ship, he starts to think a bit more about what Tashigi said. It brings back everything from the night of Kuina’s death; the confusion and the anger and the weird, unplaceable feeling that Zoro was sure he suppressed but is coming back to rear its ugly head. What is it about swordswomen and their ability to shake me up like this? Zoro thinks to himself, allowing himself to just wallow in his confusion for a few seconds. He then stands up, shakes himself off, and decides he must become stronger, so he can get past this stupid gender stuff.

Of course, he can’t fully relax yet, because Nami is approaching. “Thinking over there, Zoro? I don’t see you doing that often,” she teases. Zoro flips her off. 

“Awww, c’mon, don’t be like that. Tell me everything! I’m a great problem solver, you know.” She encourages as she sits down on the deck and pulls Zoro down next to her. And Zoro really doesn’t want to tell her anything, but… they’re cooped up on a ship and Nami is the only woman here so maybe she will at least have some perspective on this whole thing?

“I just got in a really weird fight today, with one of the Marines. After I defeated her she started yelling about how I wasn’t taking her seriously just because she’s a woman. It reminded me of my childhood friend, she used to say the same thing. It’s strange, because I don’t think about who my opponent is when I fight them, only their skill.” Zoro explains. His voice sounds weak and it hits Zoro that this is really stupid, but he’s already said it so there’s not much he can do now.

Nami hums as she thinks. “Well, she’s probably feeling insecure a little bit. All women are used to being underestimated. Some of us, like me,” Nami accentuates her statement by pointing to herself, “like to use it to our advantage. I’ve got Sanji-kun wrapped around my finger, you know? Just because I’m a girl.” She pauses, then looks at Zoro before starting her next point.

“Well, I guess some women don’t view it the same way. They want to be seen as equals, instead of having to constantly prove themselves by exceeding expectations. I guess that Marine and your friend are both like that, they see that you’re not taking them seriously and they think it’s because you’re underestimating them. But if it’s just because of their skill, like you say, then there’s not much you can do other than ignore them.” Nami pats his shoulder. “Got that, stupid?”

“Yeah,” Zoro grumbles, not rising to the bait for once. “Although Kuina, my friend… I never underestimated her. She was always stronger than me. I never once beat her in a fight.”

If Nami notices the use of past tense, she doesn’t comment on it. “I’m sure I would’ve liked her, if she could take you down a peg,” Nami laughs. She leaves a little while later, and Zoro is kinda glad he had this talk. He’s still a bit swamped by the weird feelings, but at least the other things are starting to make a little more sense.

----------

“Hey Robin, whatcha readin?”

The response from the crew is instantaneous. Everyone who is on deck, Zoro included, falls silent and stares. Zoro himself sits up from where he was sprawled across the deck to watch as his captain leans over Robin’s shoulder to inspect the book she has laying open on the table.

He thinks he heard about this happening once before, of Luffy showing an interest in Robin’s books, and that the crew had been just as shocked then. It’s just that books and Luffy… they don’t really go together. Luffy has been listening in to some of Robin’s story times and she is more than happy to read out loud for some of her younger crewmates, but it’s rare that Luffy is the one to show interest.

“Oh, it’s a book about different identities. It’s rather interesting, do you want me to read it to you?” Robin hardly seems phased by Luffy’s sudden interest, taking it in stride. She’s always happy to indulge her captain on his more tame shenanigans.

Luffy shakes his head. “Nah, the pictures just caught my attention.” At this, most of the crew lets out a collective sigh. Nami goes back to watering her flowers, and Usopp and Chopper start making noise on the upper deck again. Sanji prattles away in the kitchen and Franky stays below deck, neither of them having heard the initial question. Zoro wants to keep watching, for some reason. Luffy hooks his arm over Robin’s shoulder, fingers running across the page. “Like this one! The colors are pretty. What’s it mean?”

Robin smiles, and it is unlike the smiles Zoro has seen from her up to this point. “That flag represents transgender people, Captain. Do you know what that is?”

Now it is Luffy’s turn to smile, the toothy grin taking up his whole face. “Like me!” he exclaims cheerfully.

Robin looks shocked for a second before she reigns her expression in. Zoro thinks this is the first time he’s seen her smile with teeth. “I’m like that too, Captain,” she replies. “How funny that we should meet on this broad sea.”

Luffy is positively beaming at this point. He finally pulls up a chair and sits across from Robin. He is gesturing excitedly as he speaks, telling Robin it is so cool that they met and that he’s never met another person like himself before. Zoro smiles a little, in spite of himself. It’s nice to hear his captain so happy, and seeing Robin smiling fondly isn’t so bad either. He is about to drift back to sleep when Luffy is suddenly calling to him.

“Zoro, hey Zoro! You should come look too! This book is so cool, they have a flag for everything!” Zoro cracks one eye open to glare at his captain. Robin is giggling from behind her hand.

Zoro sighs. Yes, it’s nice that his captain is taking interest in a somewhat quiet activity, and that Robin is opening up a little too. But to be honest, Zoro has no interest in the book himself. He figures that nothing in there is going to apply to him, since he already realized he’s not like his captain or Robin.

“I think that the swordsman wants to sleep, Captain.” Oh, nice save Robin! Zoro makes a mental note to thank her later. Luffy protests a little, grumbling something about how all Zoro does is sleep, but he’s drawn back into the book when Robin flips the page.

“Robin, look, this one looks like Zoro,” Luffy comments. Robin agrees, telling him that those colors do look a lot like Zoro’s hair color and outfit. Zoro can still feel Luffy’s gaze on him, but he ignores it. He closes his eyes and lets himself drift off to sleep for real, this time.

----------

Zoro wakes up in a bed in a room he does not recognize. Not that he’s never done that before, but it seems different this time. Zoro shouldn’t be here.

The last thing he remembers is running for his life. Zoro had been gravely injured, and there was an admiral and all these robots, and they really stood no chance…

The weird, spongy, not-earth of the Sabaody Archipelago is making it hard to run. Zoro’s legs ache and he’s sure he’s reopened several of his wounds. It took a serious joint effort just to take down that one Kuma robot, and Zoro isn’t honestly sure he has it in him to take on any more. He hates feeling so weak, but of course he couldn’t have changed the outcome of Thriller Bark. Zoro would gladly do it again to save his captain.

Still, this is a very bad situation, and no time for reminiscing. Zoro has crewmates to protect, and he has robots to escape. Of course, it is then that the real Kuma shows up. He quips about Zoro still being alive, and Zoro gives him the best answer he can in the moment. Of course, he does owe Kuma in a way, but the man still poses a huge threat.

Zoro’s lungs ache and his legs are about to give out. His arms are weak, he can’t do anything to save himself. He is aware of people yelling, trying to save him, but it’s too late. Kuma raises one huge, ungloved paw and swings it. Zoro’s world fades away immediately.

That’s the last thing Zoro remembers, so how the hell did he get here? He can feel bandages covering his skin, but they are not wrapped with the professionalism and care that Chopper’s usually are, which tells him that he’s no longer with his crewmates. He wonders what happened to them and starts panicking, bolting out of bed to start taking in his surroundings.

Then, he sees her out of the corner of his eye. The weird ghost girl from Thriller Bark, what was her name again? Perfume, or something?

“It’s Perona, you dumbass!” she shouts. Oh, so Zoro said that out loud then.

She explains to him that he came down in a bubble and how it was part of Kuma’s power. She doesn’t know where they are, but she bandaged him up the best she could, and he really needs to wait and rest before he does anything stupid. 

Zoro doesn’t listen, of course. He’s not so weak and helpless that he can just lay in bed when his crew probably needs him, when his captain probably needs him. He just keeps going out and getting into fights with the weird monkeys that inhabit the island, pissing Perona off and injuring himself further.

A few days later, Mihawk shows up to tell Zoro about the war, and this is probably the worst Zoro has ever felt. To think, while he was out here unable to defeat some stupid baboons, his captain was fighting in a war and losing his only brother in such a horrific way. Zoro is useless, useless, useless, and he’s so weak it hurts.

Then he gets the orders: stay where you are. You have two years. Get stronger. It’s painful, but it’s simple and it’s what needs to be done. It makes Zoro’s heart ache that he can’t be there to comfort his captain, but he quickly decides that he will spend these two years getting stronger so that he won’t miss this kind of situation again. Better yet, there won’t be one at all. After some begging, Mihawk agrees to take him in, and Zoro throws himself into his training. 

It is slightly reminiscent of his time at the dojo. At the time, Zoro’s need to become the strongest was so that he could carry on Kuina’s will and achieve their dream. But now, Zoro has people, a family , he wants to protect. The training is grueling and bloody and mind-numbing, and Zoro wouldn’t have it any other way. He loses sight of everything other than his goal and his crew, the two things he is doing everything for. Two years, and Zoro will be strong enough so that nothing has to happen to hurt the Straw Hats again.

----------

Zoro has to admit, being back with the crew after two years of separation is really, really nice. Two years apart was far too long. He had missed everyone, even that stupid cook, and he missed being on the ocean. He understands why they spent two years apart, and everyone is much stronger for it, but he is glad that those years are behind them.

Just making it off of Sabaody was an ordeal. Luffy manages to attract trouble everywhere he goes, though, so the crew is used to this. Zoro almost missed the nonstop action and the daily near-death experiences, but action is not the only part of a pirate’s life. Zoro loves just being on the Sunny, surrounded by his crew – his family – exchanging stories about their training over the past two years.

Zoro learns where everyone spent their two years: Luffy trained with Rayleigh, Chopper mastered all of his forms and learned a lot about medicine, Brook went on tour but still managed to strengthen his skills. Robin mentions something about staying with Luffy’s family in the Revolutionary Army, and it seems innocent enough except for the fact that Robin is wearing her “I know something you don’t” smile. It’s easily brushed off though, because Robin says she can’t share classified information. 

Zoro is not really one to give praise, but he does compliment Usopp for surviving two years on an island that was literally trying to eat him. Seriously, Usopp has developed a lot since Zoro last saw him, and he seems a lot more confident than the insecure liar they picked up in Syrup Village so long ago.

Everyone seems a lot more confident, actually. Robin is smiling much more, Chopper is so much more enthusiastic than he’s ever been, and the cook seems weirdly relaxed for once. Zoro hadn’t noticed it much in Sabaody, but the cook seems… different, somehow. He isn’t quite as pushy as he had been in the past, and his mere presence isn’t aggravating Zoro the way it used to. 

Zoro gets his explanation soon enough. Sanji is second to last to share his adventures from the last two years, and he takes a shaky breath before doing so. Robin, sitting next to Sanji, places one hand on his back and gives him an encouraging nod.

“I spent my two years on Momoiro Island.” Sanji starts. He is met with mostly blank stares, except from Nami, who raises her eyebrows. Sanji scans their reactions before he continues.

“So the island is home to a huge community of LGBT people, who wanted to create a place where they could exist without judgement. They’re led by Emporio Ivankov of the Revolutionary Army. I actually got to see Robin a few times over those years, because she visited the island on business once or twice. Ah, but that’s besides the point…”

Sanji trails off, still acting nervous. Luckily for him, Luffy interrupts. “I remember Iva-chan! He was so nice! Did he train you, Sanji?”

Sanji whips his head in Luffy’s direction so quickly that Zoro thinks it might fly off. “You think he was nice?”

“Yeah, he saved my life,” Luffy says matter-of-factly.

Sanji shakes his head. “That… doesn’t matter right now. Yes, he trained my cooking and my fighting abilities, but he also made me learn a lot more about myself. Like, that my views on the world and people in the LGBT community were really outdated. And… that I’m genderfluid.”

“Great for you, bro!” Franky congratulates, tears already forming in his eyes. “What does that mean, though?”

Sanji laughs, Franky’s antics lightening the mood for all of them. “I just don’t feel like a man all the time. Sometimes, I feel like a woman, or sometimes I feel like I’m somewhere in between. It changes all the time. Oh, and I use any pronouns now.”

Franky nods, and Usopp also nods along with one hand on his chin. “Right, I get it, but what are pronouns?” Usopp asks.

“It’s like he, she, they. You can use any of them to refer to me, just make sure to use all of them at different points. It’s not great if I’m hearing only ‘he’ all the time.”

Zoro can practically see the steam coming from Luffy’s ears as he processes this. Finally, Luffy speaks. “So, is it like, ‘this is Sanji, they are my cook, and they make the best food ever?’” he asks before looking between Sanji and Robin with an expectant look on his face. Robin giggles softly, and Sanji smiles.

“Yeah, just like that. Or ‘Sanji is my cook, she makes the best food ever.’ You can use any of them,” they assure their captain.

Luffy smiles wide and laughs. “Okay, I get it now! Thank you Sanji!”

After Luffy, everyone else offers thei support and congratulations. Nami, Robin, and Chopper each wrap Sanji up in a tight hug, while Brook and Usopp remind Sanji that he’s always a valued member of the crew. Franky continues crying because of how much strength it must have taken for Sanji to come out. 

Zoro… Zoro doesn’t really react. He nods at the cook when she looks his way, but Zoro doesn’t really know what to say. He’s confused, too, because he doesn’t really know what feeling like a man or woman is like, and he’s never even heard about that “somewhere in between” that Sanji was talking about earlier.

The rest of the crew moves on quickly. Zoro is the only one left who hasn’t shared his whereabouts, and he knows the crew will enjoy this. Not only was Zoro staying with and training under his greatest rival, but that ghost girl too. As expected, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper get a kick out of that. Zoro pushes his worries about Sanji’s coming out to the back of his mind and focuses on enjoying his time with his family before Luffy inevitably drags them into some mess again.

The descent to Sabaody takes forever; long enough for Sanji to prepare and serve dinner. It’s actually quite a meal, featuring each of the Straw Hats’ favorite dishes – meat on the bone, cheeseburgers, sandwiches, even rice balls for Zoro. It is great to be home, defending his food from Luffy’s sticky hands and dodging the peas that Usopp has been launching across the table. Dinners on the Sunny are no calm event, but Zoro loves it. He loves the chaos of it all.

Normally, Zoro is one of the first few out of the kitchen. He usually has something better to be doing like training, napping, or getting pulled into playing tag with Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper. But Zoro has questions, about Sanji’s whole gender thing, and he can’t just ask that in front of everyone. Hell, it’s embarrassing enough to ask the cook about it. 

Zoro sits at the table long after he’s finished his dinner, even after everyone has left. He watches as the cook cleans up and washes dishes, ignoring Zoro’s stare the whole time. She doesn’t even try to start a fight, which is unusual, because usually if Zoro stares for that long it’s like asking for a shoe to the face.

Finally, Sanji has apparently had enough. The dishes are washed, dried, and put away. There is nothing else to do in the kitchen, so they turn to Zoro, planting their hands on the island bar and leaning over.

“I’ll bite, is there a reason why you’re watching me, marimo?” He starts. It carries the usual tone of annoyance, but maybe a little more. “This ain’t about earlier, is it? Better not be, cause I will–”

Zoro interrupts by shaking his head. “It’s not… Well, it’s not what you’re thinking. I just. I don’t get it,” he mumbles, staring down at the table in front of him, one hand coming up to play with his earrings the way he does when he’s stressed. He can still feel Sanji staring at him, and he waves his hand, gesturing at nothing. “The, uh, the gender thing. I’m having trouble understanding it. I want to understand it.” He looks up, meeting Sanji’s eyes. Sanji sighs.

“Ok, well which part don’t you get? I don’t really know how else to explain it, other than what I said earlier. Sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes a woman, sometimes in between.” Sanji starts. He speaks slowly, as if he were explaining this to a baby or something. Slightly annoying, but Zoro doesn’t push it.

Zoro furrows his brow, frustrated about the explanation, because it doesn’t really explain anything . At least, not the way Zoro needs. “That’s the thing! What the hell does feeling like a man feel like?”

Sanji falls quiet. “The hell do you mean?” Zoro can hear the usual burning edge to her words, the fight he’s used to. He doesn’t want to make Sanji mad, goddamnit, he wants to understand! Sanji takes an angry hit of their cigarette, blowing smoke in Zoro’s direction. Zoro glares back.

“I mean, how do you know when you’re a man? Since you’re other things sometimes, how do you tell the difference?”

“What’s this about, marimo?”

“Just.. Just answer the question! My reason doesn’t matter!”

“Okay, just… give me a minute, okay? It’s a weird ass question, you caught me off guard.” Zoro nods and leans back on the bench, satisfied for now. Sanji sits down on one of the barstools, spinning slowly as they think.

“I mean, to start off, did you know all this gender thing is fake?” Sanji speaks up after a moment, stopping so he is facing Zoro. “One of my, uh, friends? Yeah, one of my friends back in Kamabakka told me that everything we know about gender is just gender roles. It’s what we tell each gender they’re supposed to do or feel, not what gender actually is. Like, some people think women are just supposed to cook and clean and be quiet while men are supposed to go off and make money for the family. The way my old geezer raised me, women are better than men, and we’re supposed to protect and serve them in any way we can. It’s really different from person to person.”

Sanji pauses to take another hit as she continues. “Let's see… To me, being a man still feels more like responsibility. But there's more, too. Masculinity is loud and brash, it’s like a jungle or like the sea during a storm. The way my legs heat up when I do Diable Jambe, that feels manly too. But it’s different from when I feel like a woman; that’s all light and airy and stuff. It’s like helping Nami-san take care of her tangerines, or laughing with my crew and getting compliments on my food. Femininity is like caring for people, while masculinity is taking responsibility. And then there’s some times when it’s more than that… when I feel charged up and everything is uncertain but it doesn’t need to make sense. It’s like the early mornings when I’m the only one awake, or the moment before lightning strikes.” Sanji pauses, smiling, clearly patting themself on the back. “Eh, I’ve never had to think about how to describe it all before. I think Iva-san would be proud. That help at all, marimo?”

Zoro sits silent for a while, trying to take it all in. He’s never felt like… like a forest, or a storm, or like his legs are heating up. He had taken responsibility for things plenty of times, but it wasn’t related to his gender or anything, it was just what he had to do. There’s one thing that definitely stands out about Sanji’s descriptions, though.

“So, being a man, it doesn’t ever feel like you’re just performing it? It’s not like a job?” 

Sanji just… blinks at Zoro, then they stand up and start moving around the kitchen again. He pulls down a mug and starts brewing some tea. Zoro isn’t a big tea person, but he still understands the gesture.

“No, it doesn’t feel like a job.” Sanji finally says after filling the kettle and placing it on the stove. “It used to, though. Before I discovered all of this, and the possibility that I could just not be a man. You feel like it is?”

Zoro ignores Sanji’s gaze, suddenly very interested in the top of the dinner table. He knows Sanji understands, though, as she continues to talk. “I won’t press you, cause god knows I hated it when Iva-san did that to me. But just think about it, okay? There’s a lot out there, and the crew won’t care, you saw them today.” Sanji pauses to place the mug of tea in front of Zoro. “I won’t tell anyone either. But don’t start expecting me to be nice to you or anything! We’re still enemies!” 

Zoro grins. He knows that he and Sanji aren’t really enemies, they haven’t been in a long time. Sanji learning to accept themself had helped the both of them a lot, and they’re closer to friends at this point. Sanji knows it too, but they have reputations to keep! Still, it’s pretty nice. Sanji doesn’t treat Zoro like it’s anything weird or shameful, he just understands and explains and lets it be. She nods at Zoro, straightening up to leave the kitchen. “Oh, and you’re washing your own mug! Don’t get lost on the way to the cabinets, marimo!” she adds as an afterthought, ducking out of the doorway before Zoro can send him a glare. 

----------

 Zoro stands outside the door to Robin’s library, mug of tea in hand, for about ten minutes, just trying to work up the courage to enter. He feels so stupid, being scared to ask his crewmate to borrow a book. While talking with Sanji had helped, just a little, Zoro still has a lot of questions.

He is staring into his mug weighing his options and thinking that he might just come back tomorrow when Robin opens the door. She seems surprised to see him, almost dropping the book in her hands. As usual, she recovers gracefully, donning her usual closed-eye smile.

“My, it’s certainly rare to see you here, Swordsman-san. Is there something I can help you with?” she greets, holding the door open and beckoning Zoro inside.

“Uh, yeah, but if you were leaving–” Zoro tries to deflect. I’m not ready for this, he thinks. He hasn’t felt so uncertain in a long time.

“Oh, I insist!” Robin asserts. “It’s no trouble at all. What can I help you with?”

Zoro looks up at her, at her kind eyes and non-judgemental smile. He knows that Sanji was right last night when they told him that the crew wouldn’t mind if Zoro ended up not being a man. He knows that Robin, especially, wouldn’t mind. He recalls a day from two years ago, when Luffy had suddenly found interest in the book Robin was reading and she had confessed she was transgender as well. That moment had felt so inconsequential back then; it was just another instance of Zoro’s captain and crew bonding. But today, it feels like a lifeline.

Zoro takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Yeah, actually, I was looking for a book. I don’t know the name though.”

“That’s no problem at all. Do you know what kind of book it is?” Robin asks. 

Zoro scratches at the back of his head. “Uh, yeah. Do you remember that book you and Luffy were reading a couple years ago? He just wanted to look at the pictures, though, I think.”

Robin brings one hand up to hide her lips as she takes a tiny gasp. “Yes, I know exactly which book you’re talking about. Let me go pull it down for you.” Robin pats Zoro’s shoulders as she walks away, gesturing at the benches that surround the library. “You can take a seat, if you want. I can leave you alone, too. I’ll just continue my own reading.”

Zoro sits and nods, feeling a little overwhelmed. He hadn’t planned on telling Robin why he was here, exactly, but Robin knows everything anyways and he does find her company to be very comforting. Robin is something like what Zoro imagines an older sister might be like.

“I, uh. I think I would like that, but…” Zoro is unsure of what he’s asking, letting his voice drop out as he continues thinking.

“I’ll stay down here the whole time, if that’s what you want. And you can always ask for help.” Robin pats Zoro’s shoulder again as she passes him the book. “I’m just across the room, okay?”

Zoro is grateful, so grateful for Robin’s easy going nature. He shudders a bit as he opens the book, looking for the chapter on gender identities.

The first thing Zoro notices is just how many there are. There’s like, a thousand, each one with a different name and flag and description. It’s a lot for him to take in at once.

Breathe, Zoro, something in the back of his mind tells him. Just go through it one at a time. Zoro sighs. He already knows he isn’t trans the way that Luffy and Robin are, and he’s pretty sure he’s not genderfluid the way the cook is either. That narrows down his search, at least a little.

As Zoro flips through the pages, he just finds himself feeling more and more lost and frustrated. All these terms are swimming around in his head. And to make matters worse, a lot of them seem to rely on what a person is already feeling. Zoro… Zoro doesn’t actually know what he’s feeling. He’s had this vague notion that he wasn’t quite a man for a long time, but he’s also been acting as one for long enough that it still feels like part of him. He’s getting tempted to just slam the book closed and call it a night, but he really doesn’t want to find out what happens if he mistreats Robin’s books. He has a feeling it won’t be pretty.

“Are you doing alright over there, Swordsman-san?” Robin calls, momentarily stirring Zoro from his thoughts. She has worry written all over her face. “You seem a bit frustrated.”

“I am, but I’m okay.” Zoro reassures her as he continues reading. Then, he hits upon the definition.

Agender , the book reads. A person who feels a lack of a gender identity, or does not feel a strong relation to any gender identity. An absence of gender.

There is a second paragraph below, from an agender person describing how they feel about their own identity. It was really hard for me to figure out for a long time, the author starts , because I just didn’t want to face it. I was comfortable enough living with my own assigned gender. But whenever I think of myself and the words I would use to describe myself, my gender isn’t one of them. I was raised one way, sure, but that is as far as the connection goes. I don’t feel like a man or a woman, I just feel like me.

Zoro chokes on his breath. He studies the image of the flag next to it, and another memory from two years ago pops up in his head. “This flag looks like Zoro,” Luffy had said, and Robin agreed because of the colors. The agender flag has green, white, and black stripes. This is the flag that matched him two years ago, and now with the definition…

Zoro breathes in quickly. His heart is racing, hammering against his ribcage like a drum. He thinks back to what Sanji told him earlier, about sometimes feeling like more than a man or a woman. Zoro hadn’t understood it then, still doesn’t really grasp it. But he knows that he doesn’t feel what Sanji was describing. But if nothing is an option…

When Zoro tries to think about his gender identity, it is just his role as a man. He does what men do because that’s how he was raised, that’s what everyone told him to be. That’s his only connection to it. If he thinks any further than that… there’s nothing. He’s always just felt like Zoro , not Zoro the man or Zoro the woman or Zoro the anything else. Just Zoro, nothing more.

Agender. It certainly seems to fit.

And that thought is so world-changing, so scary, so new that Zoro doesn’t know how to handle it. Consequences be damned, he shuts the book quickly and tosses it onto the table, rushing out of the library. Robin stands up and calls after him, but Zoro just ignores her. All he wants to do is run, run away to when things were simpler, when he didn’t have to think about being different. He hurries into the boy’s room and huddles in his bunk, ignoring his crew for the rest of the night.

----------

Fishman Island is a disaster, of course, complete with princesses, some of Arlong’s disciples, and some very valuable revelations about the Poneglyphs for Robin. Zoro does his best to turn his brain off and focus on drinking the castle dry, eating delicious food prepared by the royal staff, and fighting. He ignores the whole gender issue. It wasn’t important for the first twenty-one years of Zoro’s life, so it can’t be that important now.

Sure, the realization that Zoro didn’t have to be a man was a weight off his shoulders. He didn’t have to “perform” if he wasn’t a man. But Zoro had almost gotten comfortable in the performance. He pretty much knew how to be a man. Why try to change things if they were working out already?

It becomes much harder to ignore after they resurface. Out on the open ocean, Zoro can’t rely on enemies to take his frustrations out on. He has to actually face this himself.

He’s especially irritable that day, mostly hiding in the bunk room and trying to nap. Zoro is usually very good at napping, but he can’t seem to calm his mind. No matter how much he tries to avoid thinking about it, the question of Zoro’s gender identity never leaves his mind.

He spots Robin and Sanji having a hushed discussion in the kitchen that afternoon. He just wanted a beer, because maybe the alcohol could push his thoughts back, but as soon as he enters the kitchen Robin and Sanji jump apart. Zoro doesn’t hear any of their discussion, but he has a pretty good idea what it might be about.

Luffy is the one to finally approach Zoro. He does it at night, when most of the crew has already gone to bed, except for Brook keeping watch in the crow’s nest. Zoro is leaning over the rail, flicking bottle caps over Sunny’s edge so he can watch them hit the water far below.

Luffy doesn’t say anything at first, just slowly walks up to Zoro and stands next to him. Zoro knows Luffy is watching him, analyzing him in that weird way he does. Luffy somehow knows things about people that they don’t yet know about themselves just from watching them, and usually Zoro really admires that, but he doesn’t want that knowing gaze turned on him. Especially not now.

But at the same time, it’s Luffy. Luffy who would never even dream of doing anything that might hurt his crew. Luffy, who sees the best in people, who has never judged his friends. Not when Nami claimed she was one of Arlong’s pirates, not when Robin was framed for shooting Iceburg, not when Usopp almost let his insecurities separate him from the crew. Luffy had nothing bad to say to Robin or Sanji when they came out, and he wouldn’t have anything bad to say to Zoro, either.

Zoro throws the last of his bottle caps overboard. There’s no way to avoid this. He sighs and sits down, back against the railing, and Luffy follows him down.

“What’s up, Zoro? Has something been on your mind?” Luffy starts.

“Luffy, how did you know you were a boy?” Zoro deflects. It doesn’t begin to address Zoro’s own issues, but he just needs to ease in for now.

Luffy looks a little surprised, but doesn’t push Zoro. “I actually always thought I was a boy. I didn’t know that my body was different to the other boys I knew, and I didn’t understand why people treated me differently when they met me. Everyone in the village called me a tomboy, so I thought I was a boy.” Luffy’s face softens for a moment, and he lets out a small laugh. “I really surprised Dadan and Ace the first time she tried to give us a bath. But when I told them I was a boy just like Ace, they didn’t push it, and they let me grow up as a boy.” Luffy trails off a little, but nods when he finishes his thought. He looks at Zoro again, and Zoro swears those eyes are seeing right through him. “Are you… questioning? Do you think you might not be a boy?” He asks, cutting straight through the bullshit and right to the core of Zoro’s problem.

All Zoro can do is nod weakly and stare at the floor. “I asked Sanji for help and she helped me a little, and I asked Robin to look at her books but it all just made me more frustrated. I don’t want to face myself, right now. It all just feels wrong.” Zoro’s face feels hot, he isn’t used to this kind of heart-to-heart and he’s starting to feel really embarrassed and–

Luffy reaches out, crossing the divide between them, and places his hand on Zoro’s. “You’re still the same Zoro you were before, right? Nothing’s gonna change, we’re just gonna see you as you.”

Zoro lifts his head up and stares at Luffy. He knows his jaw is hanging open, and he can’t bring himself to close it. Still the same Zoro… how does Luffy always know just the right thing to say?

“Do you want me to go get Robin’s book? We can look at it again, maybe I can help–”

Zoro shakes his head and smiles at Luffy. “No, it’s okay. I think I know which one I am. I was scared, though, about what it might change. I don’t want to change.”

Luffy laughs. “Nothing is going to change, Zoro. Well, hopefully you feel happier, cause you get to be who you really are. But that’s not scary, that’s a good thing!” Luffy’s eyes are bright and his hand is warm on Zoro’s.

“Yeah… happier, huh.” Zoro breathes out. He never really thought about what comes after his realization, but happiness… well that always sounds nice. Under the moonlight, with Luffy holding his hand and watching over him, Zoro is a little less scared to face himself and the truth that he has probably known this whole time.

“Well, Captain…” Zoro stops himself, clears his throat, and starts again. Right now, this is a conversation between friends, not captain and crew. “Well, Luffy… I’m not a boy. I’m agender.”

Luffy is on him in a second, wrapping him in a tight hug and threatening to knock them both overboard. Luffy is laughing and so is Zoro as they rearrange themselves to sit side-by-side, now looking out over the water.

“I’m proud of you, Zoro.” Luffy whispers, and Zoro feels warm in spite of himself. “So, do you know what this means from now on? Are you gonna change how we refer to you, like Sanji did?”

Zoro stills. He has been so caught up in denying everything, he never thought about what comes next. Slowly, he shakes his head. “I… I haven’t thought about it yet.”

“That’s okay! You can think about it now.” Luffy swings his legs over the side of the ship and leans into Zoro’s side. “Are you feeling better now? Do you wanna tell everyone soon?”

Zoro ponders it for a minute. He is feeling better, a lot better than when Luffy had found him. He knows the crew will be accepting, just like they were for Luffy and Robin and Sanji. If telling everyone can finally get this weight off of Zoro’s chest, he’s ready. He leans into Luffy, feeling the rough texture of the straw hat tickle his cheek. “Yeah, I think I’ll be ready soon. Thank you, Luffy.”

“It’s no problem, Zoro.”

Even after his talk with Luffy, the idea of coming out is still terrifying. Normally, the words “Zoro” and “scared” don’t even go in the same sentence. But there is something so much more real, more personal, about this. Zoro’s gender isn’t some enemy he can cut up. It’s him. And he’s trying to adjust to this new view of himself.

He talks to Robin first. He thanks her for letting him use her book, and apologizes for slamming it shut. He tells her how he knew that the term agender fit him, but that it freaked him out, and he tells her about his talk with Luffy. Robin is a patient listener, and she tells Zoro that she doesn’t blame him. “I figured that you saw something that fit you. I also had a hard time accepting myself. It’s normal to be unsure and afraid, but thank you for telling me.” She reassures.

His talk with Sanji isn’t as calm or patient, but it gets the job done. He thanks Sanji for helping him figure things out, using as few words as he can. Sanji teases back, but nothing she says is hurtful. They just acknowledge that Zoro feels differently, but there’s nothing to say about it, really. Zoro appreciates that sort of understanding.

Nami tells the crew that their next island is about three days away, provided that nothing gets in their way. Slim chance of nothing getting in their way, but Zoro is thankful to know. He spends three days getting comfortable. He tries out different pronouns in secret with Robin, Luffy, and Sanji, and he is pleased to realize that being referred to as “they” doesn’t feel as weird as he thought it would. 

Zoro finally tells the crew over dinner on the third day. Sanji made rice bowls; a giant pot of rice and three different kinds of meat as well as tons of veggies for the crew to choose from. Zoro loves rice bowls almost as much as rice balls, but he’s sure he never told Sanji that. Sanji doesn’t mention it, so Zoro doesn’t either.

Zoro had already told Luffy and Robin he was going to do it tonight, so they are sitting on either side of him. Luffy is playing with Zoro’s free hand under the table, waiting for Zoro’s signal to call attention to him.

Zoro nods at Luffy, signaling that he’s ready. Well, he’s not, but it’s now or never. Time to take the leap.

Luffy sets his silverware down and addresses the rest of the table. “Hey, everyone, Zoro has something to say. He’s nervous, so be nice.” The last sentence is teasing, and everyone knows it. They aren’t going to be mean to Zoro, and considering how similar his nervous energy was to Sanji’s just a few weeks ago, they have an inkling of what Zoro might need to tell them.

“I don’t know how to start this,” Zoro admits. Luffy takes off his hat and plops it down on Zoro’s head, and the gesture is so meaningful , it gives Zoro the push he needs. Zoro forges on ahead.

“Ok, uh, I guess it starts with the cook. A few days ago, when they came out, it uh… it kinda impacted me a lot too. I didn’t actually know that there was anything other than just man and woman, so it made me question a lot of things.” Sanji’s face looks weird; it’s red like she’s embarrassed but there’s a hint of… happiness? somewhere in there. Robin rubs Zoro’s back to encourage him.

“Well, once I knew I wasn’t just limited to being a man, it made a lot of things from my past make sense. I’ve never exactly felt like a man, I just did it because I thought it’s what I had to do. So what I’m saying is I’m not a man, I’m not really anything, in fact. I’m agender. No gender, just me.”

Luffy is smiling next to him and Robin and Chopper are both wrapping him in a hug. Nami teases Zoro about how emotional he’s become, but she’s proud of him too. So is everyone else. It’s a lot… but it’s still nice. Sanji just nods approvingly, and it reminds Zoro of how he reacted to Sanji’s coming out.

Before anyone else can ask Zoro, he speaks up again. “Oh, and for the pronoun thing. It’s he/they. Kinda like the cook’s, but no she.” Everyone nods and accepts it.

Zoro really, really loves their crew. They never thought they would reach this level of happiness, of acceptance. He supposes he should have known when Luffy accepted his dream without any argument, accepted everyone’s dreams no matter how crazy they were. Once Luffy declares someone as nakama , he is never letting go, and Zoro is so grateful that he chose to follow someone like that. They couldn’t dream of a life that was any different.

Zoro is feeling a bit awkward, so he’s glad when other conversations pick back up and dinner resumes. Usopp asks Zoro if this means they’re gonna be the world’s greatest swords person , and Zoro says that’s stupid, and the table fills with laughter. The night is still young and Zoro is surrounded by people they love and nothing has ever felt better.

[moroostar]

— THE PAST IS THE PAST ⋆

–☆ angst ➜ fluff

–☆ including : Zhongli

🗒 : I was in the middle of the Archon quest on my pc, and just thought of this, also please request something, I'm running out of ideas 💀

Zhongli still thinks of his last lover.

During both you and Zhongli's relationship with each other can be complicated. You find yourself being scared to loose him by having him falling out love with you because you aren't like Guizhong.

You sometimes feel fear in loving him, due to this. Once he told you everything about her, you felt a sting in your heart as saw the way he talked so highly for her like he was everything for him. Since he told you the way he felt to you, your fear and insecurity worsened.

When Zhongli knew he felt the same way he did towards you like as he did to Guizhong those many years ago, he felt as if he was betraying her. He tried to hide off his emotions towards you, but he couldn't bare it anymore and eventually knew how she was too kind hearted and cared for him, he knew she had wanted for him find someone new to love, he knew she didn't want him to be drowing in grief for eternity because of her.

He loved her. Everything he did was practically for her. So, once she was gone, everything seemed dark towards him.

Then, you entered his life, he felt as if everything back then was back. Loving her was one of the best things that happened to him, but now he soon realized that she had helped him be the person he is now, she was wonderful and made him happy.

He knew that it was okay for him to find someone new. Thinking of her is more of a happy memory for him than sad now. Zhongli isn't going to see her as someone he just loved and is going to trash her, no, he's going to see her as someone who helped him and is forever going to grateful for her.

You on the other hand, still think he loves her.

"Zhongli?"

It was a rainy day for Liyue and you both were simply laying down next to each other.

"Hm?"

He opened on of his eyes to see you.

"I know this might be a rude question, but.. do you still love her?.."

He then opened both his eyes as he looked you in confused.

"What?"

Soon you felt tears in your eyes, turning away from him to hide them from him.

"Nevermind mind that, it's just a stupid question."

"My love, I can hear how shaky your voice is. Please turn back around so I can look at you."

You hesitated at first before turning back around to greet him with your teary eyes. His eyes soften at the sight as his heart stinged. He never likes seeing you cry.

"I loved her, she was someone who has helped me for many years. Her presence did make me happy, but you appeared. You mean very dear to me than you think. Seeing you is always my favorite. Hearing your voice and laughter is everything to me. Everything I do is now because of you. Loving you means eveything to me."

Zhongli brought you in for a hug and let you cry in his arms. Feeling you in his arms feels calming and tells him your safe. He tighten his grip around you and brought his hand to your hair, playing with your hair.

"Would you ever–"

You heard him cute you off before you can ask gim if he'd leave you.

"No, of couse I won't. I know how comparing youself to her is something you do, there's no need for that. You are much different from her and I'm happy that you are. You've shown me things that I never knew could. You've taught me different things than she did and I love that. I love you because you are the way that you are. I don't ever want you to change because of her."

You felt more tears fall from her eyes as you laughted.

"Your cheesy with these things, but thank you."

He looked at you confused.

"For what?"

"For letting me love you. I love you a lot, Zhongli."

A smile is now shown on his face as he kissed your head.

Both of you layed in the same position until you fell asleep in his arms. He sighed as he gave one more kiss on your head.

"I'm glad you're here with me. You mean too much to me now."

He soon fell asleep after you did.

Having him by your side is something you don't ever want to change.

[7grandmel]

Todays rips: 02/04/2024

Our Sweet Parsley and .​.​.​of 2023 and Christmas Spirit [FILE-07] (Beta Mix)

Season 7 Featured on: SiIvaGunner's Highest Quality Rips: Volume Sapphire

Ripped by cookiefonster

Season 7 Featured on: SiIvaGunner's Highest Quality Rips: Volume Sapphire

Rip credited to "Kai Cenaze the Evil Gyat"

Season 7 Part of: Haltmann's Archives

Ripped by Mitchell

Did everyone enjoy yesterday's April Fools bit? I hope you did, it was a ton of fun - and if you missed it, you can use Raft Ride ~ The Story So Far to get yourself up to speed. But now its time to move past my own silly April Fools joke and back to the SiIvaGunner channel's bit - for the one event I've wanted to cover on this day for months now. In terms of these events, its hard to top just how excellently executed and well-rounded Mario's death event in Season 5 with Your Best Nightmario was - but for me, the event held last year just narrowly takes the crown for me. April Fools of 2023, the Season 7 event held 367 days ago (leap year!), is one of the most heartfelt, silly, and outright fun events the channel has ever had. And yes, I couldn't narrow it down - I HAD to feature three rips from it. Hopefully, you'll understand why.

To start, I think it needs to be established just how BIG this event was. There have been far larger in scope events on SiIva before - the King for Another Day tournament basically lasted from September to Thank You, Everybody! across several months and over a thousand videos - but April Fools 2023 is different. All 248 rips uploaded were done so not across months, not across weeks - but ALL DURING April 1st itself, within a 24 hour timespan. Now granted, 21 of those were Trailer Stringers for Garten of Banban (don't worry about it) - but it still speaks to the sheer bredth of the event itself. It was downright agonizing to think of just three, two, let alone one rip to feature on the blog to cover this event, because unlike with Your Best Nightmario or Grand Dad Metropolis - there's not truly one set of rips that best encapsulate everything about it.

Which, then, brings us to the event's theme, the main hook, one that compared to the above mentioned April Fools events from prior years, is quite subtle. You may have noticed that each of the three featured rips share a quirk in common in their title - a (Beta Mix), or in the case of .​.​.​of 2023, (Beta Mix) (Beta Mix). What's that all about? Well, Season 7 as a whole can be best described as a loveletter and celebration to the *entire* SiIvaGunner channel - this is a large part of what RIP² was about as I covered in SING A SONG ABOUT HOPES AND DREAMS and Return to Collision Clouds. It wasn't just cheering for KFAD, wasn't just remembering The Reboot, wasn't just being nostalgic for Season 1 - every inch of SiIvaGunner's history, obscure or popular, was brought up, remixed, paid tribute to, and so much more throughout the whole year, and the year's April Fools event was the greatest testament to it. We all slowly realized what that (Beta Mix) suffix meant - that each of the many, many rips uploaded that day, were *direct tributes* to the rips uploaded in the channel's past, elaborations upon or spoofs or alternate takes on these classic - or obscure! - rips.

And that side of the coin is what I think Our Sweet Parsley in particular captures brilliantly. Sonic Adventure's My Sweet Passion saw two absolutely classic rips be made of it during Season 1: The first, Our Sweet Passion, is made in the channel's earliest months and is one of the most concise examples of a truly good bait and switch, playing the track's instrumentals but having its lyrics be read aloud, dramatically yet with a confused inflection, by ripper How2BeEpic, emphasizing the bizarre word choices and writing to comedic effect. In the season's final months, Harmony Friends of Coconut Gun fame mentioned back in CG Man HD Remastered Edition, gave us My Sweet Parsley, a rip that sentence-mixes these same bizarre lyrics in YouTube Poop-esque fashion whilst still playing the original instrumental behind it all. Our Sweet Parsley, then, sees cookiefonster pay tribute to both at the same time in a rip I'm sure many of us thought possible, yet had likely forgotten about by the time Season 7 was upon us seven whole years later: a perfect fusion of the two. That's right - the lyrics of the YouTube Poop-ified My Sweet Parsley are read out with the same dramatic, quite-unfitting voice as Our Sweet Passion, and its arguably even funnier: Since there's no sentence mixing done, we get to hear first-hand cookiefonster's descent into madness reading off how Amy "had to shave it". And to really bring the point home of how much of a loveletter this entire event was, the aforementioned descent into madness is immediately followed by a bait-and-switch performance of the DK Rap with changed lyrics, directly paying tribute to Harmony Friends' Coconut Gun Rap. And then there's a sly reference to Thunder, Rain, and Lightning just after that - ANOTHER Harmony Friends rip from Season 1!!

You see what I mean, right? This was just one of the 240+ rips uploaded this day, but a ton of them had this same sort of love and care poured into them, no matter how shitpost-y they may seem from the outside. For me, the entire day was like being continuously rewarded for having kept up with SiIvaGunner so closely since its inception - yet more than the average use of the term "fanservice" implies, it all felt like it was done with the most genuine and wholesome, mutual respect between rippers behind-the-scenes. And, well, I say rippers - but part of the fun with the event was that it extended far past just rips! .​.​.​of 2023 is a (Beta Mix) version of a fucking *VLOG* of all things, the Vlog that channel founder Chaze the Chat recorded to announce the end of SiIvaGunner Season 2 and the beginning of SiIvaGunner Season 3. In other words, the equivalent of an update video, not anything actually core to the channel - yet still a video that die-hard fans like myself have long kept in mind since it was made.

I have no clue who "Kai Cenaze the Evil Gyat" is, but I want to thank them sincerely for creating the funniest rip I've ever seen out of one of SiIvaGunner's few completely-straightfaced videos, one that I mostly remembered for its very funny thumbnail. In some ways, it's the most classic of YouTube Poop, with sentence mixing and edits done purely for the silliness of "he's not saying what he's supposed to!!". But there's little nods to the fanbase's running jokes in the background - The Christmas Comeback Crisis development hell, the Rave.DJ sticker in the bottom right of the whole video, and so on - all the while, prominently, the entire video is coated in modern-day-YouTube content mill slop from top to bottom. A reaction video cam of Chaze the Chat, based on the Season 1 ending announcement The nutshack theme but the first nutshack is replaced with me ending the channel but edited to basically do nothing but say "uhm", constant reminders to like and subscribe, sensory-video sound effects - its genuinely absurd in a hysterical way to see such a tranquil, normal "olden days" YouTube video be slathered top to bottom in this kind of stuff - and it shows just how far this event went to fuck around with our past knowledge of the channel's history.

But, you know me - I'm a lorehead - and alongside all these videos, we also got the very special morsel of Christmas Spirit [FILE-07] (Beta Mix). I've long since accepted that a lot of things that happen on SiIvaGunner, especially nowadays, don't really have any direct ties to greater channel lore - that's completely fine, and its allowed the team to flex their creativity and individual skills in ways they couldn't whilst being ran under Chaze the Chat's administration in the first four seasons. Yet for this silly, downright pure-fun holiday event, Mitchell goes back to (Beta Mix) up one of the old Haltmann's Archives videos, the videos made during Season 2 and Season 3 specifically to condense and help convey old and new lore to the audience. It is, admittedly, not very serious, likely not even meant to be taken *seriously* - but it depicts a sort of glitch in the system, with the log changing from a researcher team's findings regarding "Christmas Spirit", to suddenly focus on a new, unknown substance called Fools' Spirit, a substance that appeared out of nowhere yet able to "warp and corrupt the space around itself". The testing is described as fruitless, yet as the log ends, we're shown a peek into the elusive testing grounds previously only described verbally - now covered in mist as pink as the Fools' Spirit, and evidently causing glitches to the actively-running SiIvaGunner experiments.

The rip is far simpler and straightforward than the abovementioned two - its less rip and more textbox - but I think its the initiative and attention to detail that really speaks to me here. The original Christmas Spirit [FILE-07] was well over five years old by the time this event rolled around, covering lore that hadn't been touched upon since the last main Christmas Comeback Crisis episode from just about as long ago - lore that, compared to stuff like Figments as covered in Bowser's Finale, is far less relevant to the channel's status quo. To find a way to bring back that old lore, repurpose it for the intents of this new event, and all the while having it tie together with the current state of the lore as well!!! You can see at the end, the laptop screen describes "Illucidity Active", describing the dream environment in which SiIvaGunner exists within during the entirety of Season 7 in particular. This Fools' Spirit then infests the laptop, and by extension SiIvaGunner's own dreams - giving us the entire April Fools events' gimmick to begin with! And hell, depending on how you read into things, it could even be viewed as - unintentional or not - foreshadowing for some of the great reveals made during the Season 7 finale, One Last Chance [Episode 11] of the Christmas Comeback Crisis.

Do you see why this event was like heaven on earth for me, the notorious overthinker of SiIvaGunner lore? This channel is my autism fuel, it is my Pokédex - and the entirety of April Fools 2023 was like being personally thanked for 24 hours straight for my commitment and love for the channel. No, you silly doofuses - thank YOU for running the channel to begin with, for keeping it so incredibly fresh for eight years and running!! I could do this sort of breakdown for far more than three rips from this event - if you gave me infinite time, I would GLADLY repeat Raft Ride ~ The Story So Far but for April Fools 2023 -, but I think its best I leave you all to explore the event on your own. It needs to be emphasized just how magical Season 7 was for me - it was the thing that made me start this damn blog to begin with!! - and it fills my heart with such joy to see that so much of the SiIvaGunner team loves this channel in its entirety. Be it the love for rips, like with Our Sweet Parsley, love for lore like with Christmas Spirit [FILE-07] (Beta Mix), or love for quite literally everything inbetween like with .​.​.​of 2023 - I'm forever assured that SiIvaGunner will stay in good hands in the years to come. Godspeed, you beautiful bastards. April Fools.