#making boundaries

[bamsara]

I think that one thing people fail to understand is that unsolicited literary criticism coming from an online stranger who is reading with no knowledge of what the authors intended goal is, is not going to be received the same as say: the authors beta reader or friends who know what the authors intended goal and has the sufficient knowledge and input to help the author reach that desired outcome.

"But I'm only trying to be helpful" How do I know you have the knowledge and literary skill for you to be able to actaully do that when we don't know each other and you are essentially a stranger to me? Are you applying this criticism based out of personal biased experience and desire to see the story or characterization be driven in another direction or tweaked, or do you know the author's intentions for the character? If the story is incomplete, are you basing your criticism of a character on the incomplete narration with only partial information available of them or are you building up a report until the story's completion? Did the author provide you with the information needed to make a fully informed criticism?

Have you discussed with the author what their plans are or are you assuming them based off the narration, especially if the narration is proven or implied to be unreliable or missing key points of the plot? Are you unbiased enough to help them reach their desired outcome for the characters and story regardless of your personal feelings towards the characters/antagonists and setting? Can you handle being told your specific input isn't wanted because you're a reader and/or have no written anything relating to their genre or topic? Do you understand and respect that the author's personal experiences might influence their writing and make it different than how you would have done it personally? Do you understand if an author only wants input from a specific demographic relating to their story?

If it's for fanfiction or other hobby media, are you holding a free hobby to a professional standard? Are you trying to give criticism because you feel like the author has produced 'subpar job performance' of their fic? Are you viewing their work as a personal intimate outlet or something that must conform with mass media? Are you applying rules and guidelines when the fic is shared for simple sharing sake? Is your criticism worded appropriately and focused on the parts where the author has requested input on rather than a general dismissal and or disapproval?

Have you put yourself in a place where you assumed you have the input needed for the story to evolve better, or have you asked what the author needs and what they're having trouble with? Can you handle having your criticism rejected if the author decides their story doesn't need the change and not take it as a personal offense against your character? Are you crossing that boundary because you think you are doing the author a favor? Are you trying to be helpful, or do you just want to be?

I think sometimes when people hear authors go 'please don't give me unsolicited writing advice or criticism' they automatically chalk it up to 'this author doesn't want ANY constructive feedback on their stuff at all' and not "i already have trusted individuals who will help me with my writing goals and- hey i don't know you like that, please stop acting so overly familiar with me'

[thepeacefulgarden]

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[mental-health-advice]

Need some advice. I’ve got 2 friends who we used to be in a group of 4 with (including me) long story short 2 of them started dating, broke up and it was ugly so they aren’t friends anymore. We split our time but me and my best friend just ended up sticking together since we were splitting our time. She’s my closest friend and she told me in October she wasn’t vibing with our mutual friend anymore. We’d had a phone call from her in before that where she said she didn’t like that we only ever hung out in a group and wanted to see us individually which is agreed with and have tried to put in the effort to see her but I’m not seeing as much of that from her side. It seems my best friend and her though just stopped talking privately after that. My best friend can be very stubborn but I feel she’s bottled a lot of feelings for awhile and has had some unfortunate moments with our friend but in my eyes everything was fine until she told me it wasn’t. Now I feel weird talking in the group chats even though my best friend assured me she doesn’t mind hanging out with her she just is creating some of her own boundaries. I just feel weird that our mutual friend doesn’t know anything is wrong and if she does she’s not saying anything. I have spoken to my best friend that it makes me anxious to talk about it and she said she wouldn’t anymore and that she isn’t going to have a convo with our mutual friend cause she explained a lot of the stuff she’d have to say might be hurtful and she doesn’t want her hurt our mutual friends feelings. I’m trying to upkeep my personal relationship with our mutual friend but I’m also getting the vibe she is disinterested or just doesn’t have time for me now. She has a job and a boyfriend she lives with so I get it. But I don’t know how to stop feeling so anxious about all of this and wanting to fix problems that I have no business in fixing as they aren’t mine. Any advice? (P.s this is a friendship group from college to now which spans across 8 years so we’ve changed a lot but just so you know time frames and we’re all mid twenties)

Hey there,

As I am sure you know, overtime friendships with others are bound to change regardless of how long we have been in the friendship or friendship group for. This is normal as people will go their separate ways sometimes and this could be for many different reasons as you have experienced with one of your friends within the friendship group.

It can be very hard when two friends within the group decide to date and then break up. It can cause a lot of distress and anxiousness of where to go from there, how to divide your time up with everyone to enable you to stay friends with them. I think that you and you other best friend are doing your very best in trying to split up individually to spend time with your other friend. I know first hand how difficult this can be so I admire you both for doing your very best in trying to make it work for all involved.

I think that your other friend making boundaries, despite being hard, is a good step to take and I am wondering if you could do the same in regards to trying to take a step back and acknowledging that even though you want to try and fix everything between all, that it’s not your place to do so and even thought this can be hard to accept, there’s not much that you can really do without possibly causing even more problems.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is just focus on your best friend and hanging out/ catching up with them. It sounds as though your other friend may have a bit more going on for them right now which is completely OK, but just let them know you are still there for them and perhaps then let your other friend decide on what to do with the friendship with you and your best friend. I know this won’t be easy to do but try to take a step back, be kind to yourself and just do what you need to do for you right now. Unfortunately, we cannot keep a friendship going if the other persons heart isn’t fully in it, so try to keep this in mind and perhaps talk to your best friend about it for some comfort and support.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[egophiliac]

@enderfore replied to your post “What do you think of Rook's savanaclaw card? <333”:

Chenya pic where???? I can barely see anything in that room there so much going on, rooks such a lil freak (affectionatr)

​he's under the row of flags on Neige's side of the room, next to the big Neige poster with the yellow background (look just to the right of the hand holding the apple)! he's REAL little; once you know he's there you can kind of see him in-game, but I only noticed him in the first place because I took a screenshot and was having fun zooming in on all the details!

I think that's either Hop or Snick and Dominic on either side of Neige, but if the others are meant to be anyone in particular I don't recognize 'em. though I do love all the absolutely terrifying implications of Rook having this. was this some kind of officially-published merchandise (and if so, why) or did Rook like...go hunting through the RSA trash to find this random student lineup just because it included Neige, and has had it hanging proudly on the wall ever since. (I mean, he definitely did do this, I don't know why I'm asking. the real question is why he hasn't cut out little pictures of his own face and stuck them over everyone else's yet.)

there is seriously SO MUCH in this room. how did Rook manage to keep this hidden for three years. also, somebody give this background artist a raise immediately.

[dukeofthomas]

Here's my controversial opinion; if you're trying to write Bruce as a non-abusive, good parent, you should also write him respecting his kids' privacy, boundaries, and not stalking&surveying them.

[cry-ptidd]

Common denominator

[xianta]

So I ended up making a second part to this Craig POV comic lmao

[doe-prince]

Look what my partner found outside in the snow! The broken mother immediately reminded me of this drawing I made in 2022.

She's there but she isn't.

I love this sculpture! It's perfect as it is.

[xbomboi]

now THIS stuff is much more recent

i still have some older stuff i wanna post, but for now, i wanna share my most recent assortment of eah doodles.

[flowering-darkness]

wishing all lesbian selfshippers a very happy Lesbian Visibility Week this week!!! ^-^

[thepeacefulgarden]

[corseque]

HIS REACTION IS SO CUTE HERE ASLDKHFASDF MY POOR BABY

this is what his expression looked what the conclave blew up. Being a trickster god SUCKS, you try to do your best but you're endlessly hounded by zany domino shenanigans

[somegrumpynerd]

Cross has trouble getting to sleep alone in his room and goes looking for a distraction, but ends up finding a solution for both of them

[respectthepetty]

Wut and Sol said they could give Joe some money out of kindness, and Joe could pay them back whenever.

Ming said he would give Joe whatever he wanted in exchange for Joe's body because Ming is selfish.

Joe taking Ming's deal is the most relatable moment I've had with Joe because I, too, would pick the devil I already know. Mixing finances with friends is always dicey, and he would still owe them. With Ming, it's business and he doesn't have to worry about ruining a friendship. He can hate Ming, but as long as Ming runs him his money, he'll continue to do his job because this is just another stand-in job.

Joe is really saying "sex work is work"

And I respect that.

[puppyeared]

personal character design headcanons + brainrot

Note: the re-bound!au does NOT belong to me, it belongs to @chipper-smol I’m just not normal about it lol