#my identity is so much more binary than i tell myself it is. i play it down because being a fully binary Guy who wants to be purely masc is

[the-casbah-way]

i never ever cry in front of anyone ever but there was this boy i was OBSESSED with in primary school when i was like seven years old because he was the fastest boy in the class and he had cool spiky hair and i always thought it was a crush until i came out and realised it was gender envy of some form and today my friend out of the blue told me that i look like him and we looked at his instagram together and i actually do. i look almost exactly like him. and i cried like an absolute wanker because i’ve been so miserable my whole life being perceived entirely the wrong way and i went home today and looked at myself and realised i look like the boy i always wanted to be when i was a kid. and whenever i feel bad about myself i get to remind myself that i look like him so i shouldn’t feel bad because back then i couldn’t have ever dreamed of getting to look like this. and t will only make it better and even though the idea of starting it is still so scary to me i keep having moments like this that make me realise how good it’s going to be even if some of it will suck. i always focus on all of the ways my transition has gone and will go wrong and i forget that it’s going to go right in a lot of ways too

[vexingwoman]

do you ever have those moments of guilt for what you believe in? I was crypto until someone outed me in real life, and the way I’m completely shunned is making rethink everything I thought was true. I can’t tell anymore if I really am just a common bigot or if everyone’s gone insane. I wish there were more resources for “terfs” who have been outed against their will. It’s scary, and the community *never* talks about what to do.

It seems pretty stupid to feel like a bigot for believing in sexual dimorphism but hey. If someone said the sky was green and berates you for thinking otherwise….wouldn’t you just start thinking the sky is green. Or at least wanting to.

Yes, in the beginning stages of my peak, watching women who I considered highly intelligent defending this sexist nonsense constantly made me doubt myself. I used to contact some of these women with my ideological concerns and ask for their input, because back then I was still convinced there was surely something I just wasn’t getting. I still had hope that someone could offer something other than circular definitions or uselessly obscure non-answers, but they never did. Every single person I attempted to have this conversation with simply stopped replying when I rejected their sophism and pressed for actual clarifications.

There was this one non-binary female I was debating who said, “No matter what you think, we will always continue to exist” which was so contrived I could only roll my eyes. But then I kept thinking about that statement and why it didn’t sit right with me. I realized it was because despite how much the TQ+ community declares that gender is a social construct, they fail to see their gender identities as something contingent on that social construct. 

They depict their gender identities as something innate, something they are born with, something comparable to being black, disabled, homosexual, or any other demographic that would continue to exist independently of social constructs. That could be why you’re so doubtful; you’re being made to believe that rejecting trans ideology is the same as being racist, ableist, and homophobic, when in reality it’s more similar to rejecting religion, conservatism, conspiracy theories, etc. You are not rejecting a person, you are rejecting an idea—a regressive and harmful idea at that. 

I also think it’s objectively observable that trans ideology has far more overlaps with homophobia and misogyny than radical feminism does. Ie., trans ideology asserts that if you’re feminine, you must be a woman. Homophobes and misogynists assert that if you’re a woman, you must be feminine. Both of these groups are upholding the same sexist stereotypes, just in reversed ways.

On the other hand, radical feminists don’t believe femininity has anything to do with being a woman at all. Anyone who is intellectually honest can tell who the real bigots are. Unfortunately, trans ideology is anything but intellectually honest. It relies on deceit through word-play, circular definitions, and sophism because intellectual honesty would reveal how unsound, sexist, homophobic, and regressive this ideology actually is.

[runningpsychic]

Why Goodbye Volcano High resonates with me as...

...a musician

As a musician, it's hard not to immediately identify with Fang. What musician doesn't want their music to be heard, to play at music festivals, and have music as their career. I can wax poetic about how music is about self expression and it doesn't matter if I have an audience, but in the end, I still want my music to be heard, and enjoyed. And Fang is on track to making this their entire career.

Making music has been a minor hobby for me. Even as a kid, I knew there's almost no chance I can make it as a musician, so I went down the route of being a software engineer instead. It's such a minor part of my life that I don't even bother identifying as a musician, I just fool around with instruments. But something about GVH ignited that passion in me, and during my first playthrough, I wrote six songs inspired by themes in the game. Even if I'll stay an amateur, I want to make the most from life, and not let the fire die. (See last section)

All that said, I felt very bad for Fang throughout the game. I know how tough the life of a full time musician is. The industry is just completely screwed. And unlike me, Fang doesn't have another option other than music. The game also drives it in that Fang's friends all have viable career paths, while Fang doesn't. But then, the meteor throws an interesting wrench into this, as now Fang is the only one who achieved their dreams. I'm not sure what the point of this paragraph is besides fuck capitalism, give musicians a living wage.

...an enby

Fang really made me more comfortable about being non-binary. It's amazing seeing enby representation that doesn't feel shoehorned in, or merely an afterthought. It's actually integral to the story. Both Fang and Sage struggle having their parents take their identities seriously, and that mirrors my own fears of not being taken seriously as an enby myself, which leads me to only come out as non-binary to my closest friends, and just remain a binary trans woman to everyone else.

It's honestly amazing to see everyone in Caldera Bay being accepting of the queer cast, like being queer isn't a big deal at all. And that's how it should be. Everyone just calls Fang by their name and pronouns (except their parents of course), and no one seems to mind that Reed brought Alvin to prom. This really makes me feel more comfortable about my identity, and I feel proud to be queer. We don't owe them normal.

...an immigrant

It's so rare to see stories about the intersection of being trans and being an immigrant, so when I read Rosa's story, I felt it must've been written by someone who also has first hand experience. There's a distinct feel from my family that me being trans is a "western" thing, not something they could ever understand. Or worse, that I'm being corrupted by "the west" in some way by moving there. There's so much extended family I can never see again because I'm now an abomination of the family tree.

I find it really difficult to talk about this as I fear I'd be misread as being racist for suggesting that my home country is more queerphobic or something, but that isn't my point. I just want to tell my story, and my experience of being alienated for both culture and gender, in both my origin and destination countries, is one that most folks can't emphasize with. (Venba also does do a good job with the culture part, so you should check that out too)

There's a separate rant about how this brand of queerphobia was actually planted by Christian missionaries and not at all "traditional culture", but that's for another time.

...someone struggling with mental health

I've been obsessed with the game for months since I played it. I went through what everyone calls "Dino depression", but I think it really helped me, and it was the game I needed to play at this moment in my life. I struggle with depression and burnout. At times it can be hard to know what the point is, or feel that any of this is worth it. The first few weeks after the game, I actually felt more depressed, as I thought about what the point of life is if it all is temporary anyway, and what I would do if a meteor were to hit in 8 months. And I was scared, because I felt like my life wasn't under my control. Over time, I've learned to think about it more positively. If life is temporary, then it's up to me to make the most of it. If life has no meaning, it's up to me to make my own meaning. I have amazing friends around me, and I still have tons of music to make.

[thesims4blogger]

The Sims 4: New Update to Feature Sexual Orientation in Create a Sim

The Sims team has released an official blog on the upcoming update to The Sims 4!

Sexual Orientation in The Sims 4

Hi folks! I’m SimGuruJessica, the design lead on The Sims™ 4 High School Years Expansion Pack. Today I’d like to talk to you about the upcoming Sexual Orientation feature that will be available in the next base game update.

Past, Present and Future

As a team, we hold creativity, discovery, inclusivity and play as core values and strive every day to celebrate diversity, equity and inclusion for our people and community. With that in mind, we’re delighted to bring the Sexual Orientation feature to all Simmers. Between this update and the recent pronouns update, we’re taking several strides forward into being a game that respects and celebrates the nuance and color of everyday life.

It is important to acknowledge that these are steps in a journey that we are still mapping out. There is much further to go, and while I can’t get into the details of where exactly we go next, please know that we are committed to continuing to improve our representation of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Authenticity is a point that often comes up in regards to features like this, and rightly so. As such I’ll try to peel the curtain back a bit and speak to our efforts in making sure we got this right. Many members of the team, myself included, are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. That said, each one of us on the team represents only a narrow slice of lived experiences. As such we’ve worked extensively with GLAAD and the It Gets Better Project to ensure that we’ve captured the widest possible range of viewpoints on how to approach this feature in a manner that respects and elevates the community.

How It Works

With Sexual Orientation, you’ll be able to assign a series of attraction parameters for your Sim. Pictured below is how the Sexual Orientation feature will appear in Create a Sim.

My Sim is attracted to:

This is a simple, affirmative statement of who your Sim is attracted to. If a Sim whose gender doesn’t match your Sim’s attraction settings attempts a romantic interaction with your Sim, they will be rejected.

You can check any combination of attraction boxes (including all or none) to reflect your sim’s romantic orientation. Further down the line, we’ll be able to expand this to include additional gender identities that we don’t have at this time.

I understand that there will be concerns here around the initial options being gender binary. Mechanically, non binary Sims don’t yet exist in TS4. While we made great progress in representing non binary Sims with the pronouns update, we acknowledge that pronouns are not the same thing as gender identities. We recognize that we still have a ways to go in this regard.   I’ll cover that more in the F.A.Q.

My Sim is exploring romantically:

This setting controls whether or not your Sim’s Sexual Orientation can shift through gameplay. There are two major stories we wanted to capture with this setting.

The first is the story of a person who has figured out who they are and has a firm and immutable sense of who they’re attracted to. This is reflected by a Sim who is not exploring romantically. Sims set to “No” for exploring, will not shift orientation through gameplay and firmly reject advances from genders they aren’t interested in.

The second story is about a person who’s still figuring things out. Sims with exploring set to “Yes”, will still have an initial Sexual Orientation setting per the previous step, but it can change through gameplay. As your Sim experiences romantic interactions, they may find themselves in a very different place than where they started.

My Sim is interested in WooHoo with:

This setting determines who your Sim can WooHoo with. If you’re trying to tell the story of an Asexual Sim, you could leave all options unchecked. On the flipside, you could tell the story of an Aromantic Sim by selecting WooHoo interests, but leaving all romantic attraction boxes unchecked. More on this in the FAQ.

You can also tell even more specific stories, such as a Sim who might be attracted to multiple genders but only interested in physical intimacy with one.

F.A.Q.

Do I need to own High School Years to use Sexual Orientation?

No, absolutely not. Sexual Orientation will be available to all Simmers upon the release of High School Years.

Why are there only two gender options?

This is a natural question to ask given that we just recently released the pronouns update.

I’ll try to be very transparent with this one. This is due to technical limitations. As stated above, mechanically, non binary Sims don’t yet exist in TS4. You still have to make a binary gender selection for your Sim at creation, regardless of pronoun settings. We hope that we’ve shown our commitment to improving representation of gender identities with features such as Gender Customization, which allows you to modify physical frame, clothing preferences, pregnancy and toilet use options. We look at the pronouns update as another important step toward better representation of non binary genders, but we also acknowledge that pronouns are not the same thing as gender identities.

TS4 is 8 years old at this point, and reliant on systems that were originally architected with a gender binary in mind. In the intervening years, we’ve taken important steps such as Gender Customization, Pronouns and now Sexual Orientation. It’s a journey still in progress, with many more steps to go. Proper mechanical systems to fully support non binary Sims is another step in that journey.

How do I WooHoo on a Sim that isn’t interested in romance with anyone?

Super important question since WooHoo is typically gated behind romance. To better reflect Aromantic Sims and a greater variety of lifestyles, we’ve added the ability for young adult Sims and older, to ask close friends to be WooHoo Partners.

If they accept, you can now perform WooHoo without the romance prerequisites. Stress on the “If they accept” part, as with many socials of this nature, it can fail and lead to an awkward conversation afterward.

I want to again acknowledge that these topics are complex and full of nuance. We consider this a version 1.0, and are absolutely looking forward to seeing what further tools we might add to allow players to tell a broader range of stories.

Can I manually change my Sim’s Sexual Orientation after creation?

Yes, you can use the “Change Sim” interaction on a mirror or dresser to access CAS and change any of the settings manually.

Where do I find this setting?

In CAS, under the ellipsis menu beneath gender selection.

How will this impact my game if I don’t change the Sexual Orientation settings?

If you change none of the Sexual Orientation settings, your Sim will romantically behave as they currently do prior to the release of this feature.

Sims, prior to Sexual Orientation essentially use the above setting. They have no inherent attraction to a specific gender, they can have their attraction shift through gameplay, and they will WooHoo with any gender. This is still the default state for a new Sim.

Can I turn this feature off?

No. While we try to give players the option to toggle certain gameplay features,  LGBTQIA+ identities are a fact of life and not a toggle to be switched on and off.

In conclusion

We’re thrilled to let you all experience this feature for yourselves. Please share your thoughts with us on socials as we continue building toward a more inclusive future together!

[sittingwithmyself]

My Body & I

To those looking:

I cannot control how you see me. I cannot predict, nor can I determine, the judgments you make -- whether you think I'm smart, funny, interesting, or beautiful. 

Although, I wouldn't be surprised if the first thing you see -- the first thing your mind registers, especially if you're meeting me for the first time -- is a woman, identified by my long hair, round face, prominent hips, and breasts (however tiny). 

We live in a society where our gender determines a lot: who to befriend, date, and marry; which jobs to take; what clothes to wear; how to behave at home, school, and work; and the expectations people have of us. 

I've often felt like I've failed at being a woman. I'm too overweight and without the necessary curves to have a coke bottle figure. I don't usually wear make-up and high heels. Most of the dresses in my closet have only been worn a couple times, if at all. I'm horrible at stroking a man's ego. I'd rather be treated like an equal than a sexual object. 

No matter how much I tell myself none of those things matter, that I can be whatever kind of woman I want to be, what I learned about gender as a child still haunts me. Additionally, as much as society has attempted to progress, it still holds tight to gender stereotypes. 

Every other aspect of who I am will almost always be filtered first by my gender. Not because my biological sex might be obvious to anyone with eyesight, but because as a society that determines much based on gender, we place a lot of meaning on the gendered characteristics we see. 

To be fair, it makes sense to filter by sex or gender if you're motivated by a sexual drive, are constantly categorizing people on whether or not you'd like to bone them, and sex/gender is the primary factor for attraction.

I can't control whether you see an attractive woman; a non conforming, gender queer female; or a human whose traits have yet to be determined. So, I've decided to stop trying. To stop giving power to the idea of gender. To be who I am regardless of your expectations and judgments. 

In a way, I'm thankful for my feelings of gender failure, because without them, I would have never questioned gender rules and the beliefs that sustain them. I would have never woken up to see that I'm so much more than my body parts. 

Nowadays, people have found comfort in different identity labels (e.g. woman, man, non-binary). However, I've decided not to pick a gender label at all. In fact, I have absolutely no earthly idea what it means to be a woman or a man without using traditional gender rules. I can't tell you if I feel like a man or a woman because I don't know how each of them feel (or how they're supposed to feel). Go ahead and place a label on me if you want, but I won't identify with it. I refuse to play by the rules of gender, whichever ones you've adopted, because honestly, they seem either too limiting or completely meaningless. Perhaps I would pick a label if I saw the utility of it, but I don't. 

I'd rather you judge me based on my inner qualities. When at first glance you notice my biological sex, I'd rather you hold all assumptions of who I am until you hear the words I speak, the questions I ask, the ideas I pose, the assertions I make. If you must judge on appearance, I'd rather you see the way I hold myself up, the way I move my hands when I speak, the way I scrunch up my nose, the different ways I laugh and smile. 

I'd rather you come to learn the things that interest me, the things that have me in a fit of giggles, the things that break my heart.

My thoughts, feelings, and beliefs – those are the things I identify with. 

I am not my body. It is simply the house that protects me, the vehicle that keeps me moving. When I die, I will not take with me my tiny breasts and prominent hips. I will take my thought-provoking questions, my off-colored jokes, my hard-won achievements, the life-altering lessons I've learned, and the sustaining love I've felt for those who have seen me as I am and have allowed me to see them in return. 

My body is female, nothing more, nothing less, until we redefine terms of biological sex, and if when you see it, you imagine me playing the role of a woman, so be it. You have the right to categorize me by your understanding of the world, just as I have the right to live by my own. 

What matters is how I see myself, and I wish I had known that a lot earlier. If I had, I wouldn't have spent decades giving up my control to identify who I am. I wouldn't have been so afraid of the person I see when I strip off my collection of masks and acknowledge the part of me left bare – the vulnerable soul yearning for genuine connection. 

I may not be what you want or expect, but I am a person, just like you. And if all you see is a human with a vagina, then maybe you're a dick. 

[call-me-double-trouble]

I keep seeing bad takes and negativity about DT, and I have no desire to start beef with people or draw attention to individuals*, but seeing criticisms that are just so awful and lacking in nuance irritates me, so instead, I’m going to start combating it with DT positivity! Keep in mind, I’m not talking about criticisms that are valid, I’m talking about the silly stuff that’s clearly just someone trying to take the moral high ground just because they happen to dislike a character and you’re not allowed to just dislike things anymore, apparently. *(No, I will not be naming names, please don’t seek out or bully anyone. Let’s just celebrate why we love this character and ignore those who can’t enjoy them for one reason or another).

This will be a long post (an essay, it’s a freaking essay) because I want to go in-depth and explain my viewpoints. I’m not going to chastise someone for lack of nuance without practicing it myself.

Today, I will discuss why I think DT is good non-binary representation (not PERFECT, no rep is without flaw—things are allowed to be complicated). Keep in mind also that I am not non-binary myself, but I’m no stranger to the identity, and although I can’t speak on behalf of the community, I’ve seen some of the arguments for and against DT by enbies, and I think I can still add to this conversation.

I see two main arguments pop up most often. One is that since DT is a morally gray criminal that worked for the antagonists, they’re making enbies look like villains. In my opinion, this argument is pretty weak because it hinges on the idea that because one enby character wasn’t a perfect angel, this means all enbies are evil and bad. It stereotypes heavily and is a bad way of thinking—you should never judge a community based on how one person or character acts. I know that some works of fiction, especially in the past, have done this to uphold the discriminatory values of the time, but SPOP was made by queer people, for queer people. Clearly they weren’t trying to stereotype enbies as bad. DT is just an enby who happens to do bad things. Characters should have flaws, and that goes for queer and trans characters, too. It’s okay if you’d prefer an enby character to be firmly on the side of good—everyone has preferences! But DT not fitting yours doesn’t make them inherently bad rep.

The other argument is that since DT is inhuman, it portrays enbies as “other” or insinuates that DT is an enby BECAUSE they’re inhuman and/or a shapeshifter. This argument is stronger than the first, and I totally understand the need for human enby characters (we just need more enbies in fiction, period—more variation means more people sees themselves and less get mad over a character not fitting their exact experience). However, DT is far from the ONLY inhuman character in SPOP (they’re not even the only reptile), and the other inhuman characters of prominence aren’t non-binary, so there’s no link between gender and being inhuman in this world. There’s also no way of telling why DT identifies as non-binary. We have no idea if their shapeshifting played any part in that, either to them or those in charge of designing the character. I don’t think it’s ever implied that it did, especially because their choice to play characters who are men or women doesn’t impact their gender identity, but this point is more up to speculation.

I’d also like to add that plenty of enbies DO identify with inhuman characters. Some people (self included) would rather be an inhuman creature than a boring old human, and DT’s design is SO fun—especially the sideways blink and those adorable ears! (Side tangent, DT was made reptilian to resemble a chameleon because, y’know, shapeshifter. You can also see the influence from their original design. The original DT wore all green and had a long ponytail that, in some depictions, went down to their feet much like current DT’s actual tail).

With those arguments aside, let’s get into what makes DT so great (in my opinion)!

For starters, I’ve seen so many people say that seeing DT made them realize that they themselves were non-binary or validated their gender identity, and I think that’s a beautiful thing! DT may piss off some enbies, but they’re very important to others, and that shouldn’t be taken away just because they’re not everyone’s cup of tea. Obviously not everyone is going to relate to them, but once again, that’s why we just need more rep in general.

Secondly, DT helped people practice using they/them pronouns. I can attest to this myself! At the time, I didn’t have any friends who were non-binary, so I didn’t have a habit of using they/them pronouns except when someone’s gender was unknown. Of course, I supported enbies and their preferred pronouns, but slip-ups happen before you get used to thinking of someone as they/them, even if you’re supportive and accepting. DT, being fictional, is a great way to practice using them to get better at adjusting when you eventually do meet an enby. Not only does it sound completely natural to say, but you also get used to correcting mistakes when you make them. It gave me an immediate, “Wait, no, that’s the wrong pronoun, it’s they,” which came in handy when one of my friends wanted to explore their gender and experiment with they/them pronouns. I know some enbies may be rolling their eyes at this, but for allies, it’s important to build these habits to avoid misgendering someone, especially when you knew them by different pronouns previously. DT also gave me and others practice on correcting someone who made a mistake without making it sound like we were accusing them of doing it on purpose. DT, and other fictional enbies for that matter, are just great in general for getting people and kids used to enbies and the use of they/them pronouns.

Third, DT’s AGAB is a mystery! You can make arguments one way or another (voice points one way, original character and pronouns on storyboard point another), but we can never say for sure because they’re a shapeshifter! Is that their real voice? Who knows! Is that their exact appearance? Who’s to say! What’s in their pants? Anything they want, they’re a shapeshifter! They’re so wonderfully androgynous, too—A+ design. And on that note, I’ve also seen people happy that DT is an enby with LONG hair, since most enby characters have short hair, and it added some much needed variety. Honestly, DT is the epitome of “Everyone finds me hot and that makes everyone gay.” Gay men like them, lesbians like them—hell, even ACES like them! (Side note, my praise of their androgyny is not to put other enbies down, as enbies can look however they want, and that’s very cool and sexy of them. Real enbies don’t have to be androgynous, and not all fictitious enbies need to be, either. But I’ve read that when portraying trans and genderqueer people, especially as an ally, that it’s best not to describe or identify features that may point to an AGAB—even if it is known—as that can be considered disrespectful to their identity and may make real trans and non-binary people feel self-conscious about those traits. It’s a complicated issue, and there are right and wrong ways to go about it when portraying trans characters.)

Fourth, DT is never misgendered by any of the characters—not even by Shadow Weaver! Everyone is shown to treat being non-binary like it’s normal (because it is) and worthy of respect, just like any other gender. I also saw someone say that it shows kids that even if someone is your enemy or you don’t like them, you should still use their preferred pronouns, because you don’t have the right to misgender someone to hurt them.

Fifth, DT is a complex character. They’re not one-note, they’re a person who has their own motivations and drive, their own passions, interesting interactions with other characters that bring out more from the others, good humor, and a complicated relationship with good and bad and the ability to do both (sometimes even simultaneously). DT isn’t a good person, but they’re not entirely a bad one, either. They’re complicated. Their motivation isn’t to do bad things, it’s just to survive, get paid, and cause chaos while doing that. I can go more in-depth in another post, but the point is, they’re interesting, they have depth, and they’re well-written.

Sixth, they’re extremely plot-relevant. They’re very important and impactful to the story. Hardly anything in the fourth season would have been accomplished without them! They kept tension high and raised the stakes, making the story that much more compelling to the audience. Before I got my friends to watch SPOP, I wanted to tell them all about my favorite character, Double Trouble, but couldn’t find a single spoiler-free clip to show them! Seriously, try to find one. I’ll wait. Maybe their introduction, but even then, you’d be taking away the grand reveal that the suave-Scorpia wasn’t Scorpia at all, and it’s more fun to let that be a surprise. They had such a prominent role and have garnered so many fans, and that’s especially wonderful for a non-binary character. They weren’t a background character offhandedly mentioned to be non-binary, they were an important character that stole the show every time they were on screen.

Basically, Double Trouble is just a wonderful, complex character who had a positive impact on lots of enbies and allies. Not everyone likes them, and not everyone has to, but there’s nothing wrong with liking or identifying with them, and they shouldn’t be labeled as inherently bad rep when their existence did so much good for so many viewers. They don’t have to represent everyone to be good rep, and they certainly don’t, but those they DO represent shouldn’t be made to feel as if they’re betraying the non-binary community.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Dunno why I’m back so soon, guess my anxiety has been acting up or something. I’m surprised to see I didn’t get as much harassment posts thank god. Saw one person say bullshit that seems aimed towards me but aside from that one psycho all is good I guess.

I had a panic attack last week and ending up confessing to my older sister about everything that happened. I even told her about my fetish, which had me so scared to do I almost vomited. I was scared she was going to think I’m a freak and disown me as a sister as some people in my past did. She took it better than I thought and said it was a normal and a healthy thing. It is a part of being human. I was so grateful to learn my sister still loves me for being born this way. I am still too scared to tell my parents though as they are old fashioned and would definitely not get it. To help make me feel better she invited me over to her place to try and help me recover as my anxiety has been worse as of late. I had lots of fun! Sadly my parents fucking car got fucked up because some girl at McDonald’s messed up the hot chocolate cup and it spilled all over the controls so I had to take some meds after that scary almost car crash experience. The car seems to have somehow fixed itself the next day though? Still kinda nervous about it though.

I got quests of yore the board game! We found a game shop and she decided to play a game with me, I sort of went in blind as I know nothing about DND. We got it and played and it was fun, I got a companion which was a bear. I was struggling to come up with a name and she said Gary. We proceed to laugh a long time. We are on a quest to make lots of money to pay rent that will allow us to keep a bear. LOL

I’ve been up and down lately really, my social anxiety is way worse and I’m currently questing my sexuality and identity. I am thinking I may be agender and only into boys I’m not sure. I get bullied by lots of girls so even though I am attracted to all kinds of body types and I’m not fused by gender and have crushes on fictional girls I’m absolutely terrified of real life girls now. I was thinking I may be pansexual as well but yeah...women are SCARY dude. It’s very confusing... I wish girls like Abigail from Stardew valley were real...*sigh* in my country we get lots of what we call sheep. So if you’re not into make up and Twilight the girls in my country are immediately like “fuck you!”. Guys and non binaries aren’t like that tho. Not sure why.

And yeah, Barley and Abigail, I have a type LOL

We are trying to look for a new therapist but they’re all booked out. I have been getting lots of trauma related panic attacks but my family is helping me through it. I came here again because of anxiety of course like I said but uh....thanks to everyone who supports me. And please don’t listen to any bullshit rumours you might hear about me. People just don’t know how to fucking chill. You guys have anything better to do than to bitch and moan? Just write and draw things you love, don’t complain about people or make up nasty stories to try and gain more haters to join you. I know you’re watching me. You say I should grow up but who really is the immature one? Yes I had a bad panic attack that time. Yes I should have kept it anonymous. But I’m not evil. I just wish to be myself without seeing nasty posts. I said sorry but did you guys say sorry to me? No you didn’t. You kept going and did a lot of damage. So who is really the immature one? The one who felt bad and tried to explain why I was hurt and how we can make things better or the one who wanted to keep assuming the worst in me? Just enjoy the things you love instead of thriving in things you hate and trying to guilt trip others who like the things you hate. Stop making rumours and harassing others. Just stop. And not just me, anyone in general, I know there’s others who suffered from your wrath. Much like a dear friend of mine in December 2021 who practically saved me life. You know who I’m talking about, you hated on him for being like me. So just calm down, do you and I will do me. If you choose to hate someone over ONE mistake or one tiny trait like personal preferences than that’s just sad. Do what makes you happy, don’t go out of your way to make yourself angry by LOOKING UP the things you dislike. You do you, I will do me. Just learn to chill.

Again thanks to the people here who didn’t harass me. I really do appreciate it. I will just post and disappear again as tumblr does tend to be a DANGEROUS website. Place is practically crawling with cyber bullies. You guys should be careful too, please stay safe and if people try to attack you block them and maybe get off of tumblr. I hear shit about Twitter but I will not lie, there’s actually less cyber bullies there apparently. Deviantart is a totally safe place too. I did have some BS happen there before but the people behind the website don’t allow bullying and band people. So yeah. Thanks and stay safe everyone.

[morbiddruid]

Androgyny

Scrolling through Tumblr, came across a post from an individual about androgyny. So naturally, I have thoughts concerning the concept.

Is Androgyny different than Non-Binary?

Let me preface this by saying: Growing up in the 90's and 2000's and writing fanfiction has taught me a lot of things about myself.

I was a little girl then. I always wanted to be a boy. Their toys were cooler, there were better TV shows, and in literature... boys were so much more powerful.

So I started writing from the perspective of the maleness in my heart. He was angry, forceful, beautiful and terrifying.

I started role playing him online. My mother told me at 14 years of age, "the internet and people there are not to be trusted. Do not tell them your name, your age, and above all do not tell them you are a girl." So I didnt. I lied. My name was Nyckolai. I was 17. I lived in an undetermined place in the United States (usually Alaska). I kept this charade for many years, acquiring friends and several lovers. I made stories with them in private chat rooms, and personal messages.

Soon people wanted pictures of me/ of him. So I did what any self-respecting liar would do, and continued to lie. I learned how to dress myself in my real-life boyfriend's clothes. How to pose myself in a way to hide the femaleness of my body. I learned how to bind my breasts, sit or stand as if there was a thing between my legs, and for the most part, it worked! I never showed my face. They wanted to see, and I told them no, that it would ruin their perceptions. They accepted that. My friends and lovers continued to accept me for who I was presenting to them.

At one point, I thought I could make the transition easier on myself and claim that I was bisexual (I still am). The girls were esctatic, and proud of me for coming out! They 'knew there was something different' about me. They cited that I was kind, and caring, and there was a gentleness that straight men did not possess. They boys... they became distant (except for one, who had fallen for me, and realized that he too was at least bi, I hope he is well <3 ). They tried not to treat me any differently. But I could feel the hatred rolling off on them through the texts. I told them that I wasnt interested in trying to flirt with them, that I had a boyfriend and I was satisfied. It seemed to help at the time. Yet our relationships had inevitably changed.

And finally one day I told my closest friends that I wasnt at all who I had lead them to believe. The reactions were varied. The boys nodded their head in some sort of understanding, and the girls were in shock. I was calling into question their own sexual identity. But I did my best to assure them that I was still a real person, and I cared about them; that their fantasies of male-me proved their sexual identity. I was just a girl trying to be brave. But I had hurt them.

What does all this have to do with Androgyny/ Non-binary/ Agender?

When I remember these things in my life, I do not see a separation of existence. There was no Boy-me, or Girl-me. I was always me. Maleness allowed me to express myself without fear. Femaleness allowed me to love.

But the reality is, I was experiencing gender-fluidity. We didnt have the massive LGBT community that exists now. I didnt know what to call myself. I was a bi-sexual cross-dresser. And a liar.

In the end, I wished to neither be perceived as male-ness, or female-ness, but something in between, the joining of the two. An unquantifiable being who is whole. I learned that it was easiest to express myself and be whole as a male-ness that I was physically not, especially since female-ness was always in danger from male-ness.

Why must I choose between one physical form or starkly another? Well, the answer is, that one does not have to choose. One can wear clothes, and learn to carry themselves in such a way, as to show on the outside, exactly as they feel on the inside. But no one can ever truly know what is in another's heart or soul.

Maybe my journey is too simple. It proves that any human can be cruel and hurtful. Any human can be kind and understanding. Your gender identity does not change your personality. But it can help one become comfortable, any maybe it will ease some pain.

[charcubed]

Hello, "gay Castiel" anon here 👋

Thanks for taking the time to respond ❤️ I appreciate your thoughts.

I just want to respond and give my own thoughts now that I've read your response. Sorry that's it's so long, and feel free to ignore. I just want to get this out to somebody lol. I won't address EVERYTHING, just the highlights:

Your response did help me understand the gay!Cas interpretation more, esp since you are right about there being so many instances in canon of him being specifically gay coded.

However, and I hope this doesn't sound demeaning in any way, but I think the reason I don't prefer the label "gay" for Cas is cuz it feels too limiting.

Gay (as I understand it) is a person who identifies as male who is sexually/romantically interested in other men. So...

1) I don't necessarily accept that Cas identifies strictly as "male." I agree that he's comfortable in his male body, as you stated, and I know that the story of Dean&Cas wouldn't have played out the way it did if he hadn't taken a male vessel. But all that aside, I think Cas' attitude towards gender is probably very fluid compared to our society's typical binary. Compared to humans, his species and gender is Other™.

I personally prefer this idea cuz I relate to it more. I have a female body that I'm perfectly happy with, and I don't mind ppl seeing me that way; I don't have dysphoria. But at the same time, I don't have a strong feeling of "I AM a woman" if that makes sense. If I woke up as a man tomorrow, I'd be fine with that. I see Cas in a similar way: He likes his body and is attached to it, but he doesn't necessarily feel that it being male is essential to who he is or his identity.

I feel that while Cas is in a male body and is happy with it, his gender identity most likely exists outside of the human binary construct. Automatically, this makes him more umbrella "queer" to me rather than gay.

2) And also, as I said in my earlier ask, I think Cas' sexuality is just: in love with Dean. There are moments in the show that COULD be interpreted as feeling arousal or attraction to women, imo. But I don't see any moments that would suggest he's attracted to men other than Dean.

So to me, this suggests he is demi (for Dean, specifically) rather than blanket gay.

I understand the gay coding (like "sensible shoes," for instance) are about being gay specifically. But I also think those tropes have traditionally been applied to human male characters. Since Cas is not human (does not have our human standards for gender), not a typical "male" (nonbinary, imo), and not seemingly attracted to men in general (just Dean), those moments just reinforce that Cas is queer – "gay" is just too narrow a definition to encompass all that he is (imo!)

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. This is all my personal interpretation, and I am NOT saying ppl have to agree with this!! But I have decided (with your help, thanks) that people can't tell me I'm wrong either 😊 based on what canon supports, it's totally fine to NOT label Cas as "gay."

Thanks again for your thoughts. I love your meta and shit ✌️

(Anon is referencing this post with their previous ask and my long answer)

Hi gay Castiel anon!! Thank you for returning to meeee :') Really happy to know my answer made its way to you!

And thank you for sharing your thoughts!!! I honestly don't disagree with any of this. I do think all your points are fairly valid so I just want to reiterate that. And as I said in my post I certainly think "queer" can be and is applicable to Cas both for the reasons I had laid out and for the fact that there is very much room to see complexities in his queerness because he's an angel–as you've laid out here.

As a non-binary person myself I also totally get the vibe of what you're discussing. I want to add a side note that in the "real life," as it were, there are plenty of non-binary people who do align with the label of "gay" even without identifying as a man or a woman. It's not inherently limited by binary gender. (I say this as a reminder more for the benefit of anyone who may read this public post rather than to you, because I'm sure you know.) But does that mean Cas would align with it as a word/label? Not necessarily, obviously, in the reasons and ways you've described.

Glad you feel more certain in not being "wrong" and I'm really happy my post helped you come to that certainty 💕

Thanks again for sharing!

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender chronicles: a journal

hi thanks for reading if you've decided to click on this post! basically this post is me talking about my gender exploration journey, with an semi-abridged timeline and a list of recent developments. i'm just gonna be rambling so it's quite long.

(also if you, like me, thought you were simply a cis queer person but recently realized that it's a little more complicated than that, maybe this post will be helpful. but i digress!)

part 1: my timeline

2019: I am 19 years old. I am fully at terms with my bisexuality, and not really thinking about my gender identity. I start working as a busser/food runner at a semi-fancy restaurant near the end of the year, and feel myself grow really comfortable in the environment despite being surrounded by many boys/men. What really changed things for me is when I began wearing my uniform consisting of black pants, a white, long-sleeved button-up, and a quaint, black, clip-on bowtie. Wearing this and constantly interacting with guys in a semi-professional environment felt really empowering for some reason and I couldn't quite understand why.

2020: You already know what it is... lockdown and social distancing and what have you. Still working at my food runner job, and by June 2020 I was excited to finally have more stuff to do. I distinctly remember myself start to self-reflect way more than usual - often to a fault, but it was needed. As well as dealing with emotional numbness and emotional breakdowns, I was wondering how much I really identified with being a woman. It was confusing because I hadn't experienced much gender-related dysphoria at all, yet I experienced many instances of gender euphoria. This usually happened when I experimented with androgyny, which to this day consists of more "masculine" behaviors/stances paired with my mostly "feminine" clothing. I started playing around with concepts such as genderfluid, non-binary, androgynous woman... etc

2021: I continued to work at my restaurant job and saw myself opening up to people at work, particularly to one (male) cook that had been trying to connect with me to no avail. Through my work relationship with him, I realized how much I liked feeling equal to another man. Of course, I knew a huge part of that feeling stemmed from the sexist exclusion I've faced throughout my life. But I also knew that our connection gave me a sense of validation in more than one way. I felt like he could see the masculinity in me, despite him never telling me that. Then, I started art school later that year in August.

2022: Fast forward to this year, I wrote a paper about my gender identity for my college writing class. During the writing process, I began to research and introspect once more, hoping to come to a more comprehensive conclusion. Amazingly, I was finally able to articulate my experience much better than I had before. I finally settled on the term genderqueer and realized that my identification as a "woman" is mostly conditional on my social interactions and when im alone with myself, i feel like I'm so much more.

part 2: this year's revelations

...Consequently, the aforementioned realizations opened a lot more doors of exploration. I realized that my bisexuality is a HUGE influence on my gender identity and expression - truly an epiphany, I dunno how I hadn't realized this before. I also began to investigate my attraction to men.

Being attracted to men has always been a confusing sport. Ever since I began to identify as bisexual at the age of 15 or so, I've had to check in with myself to make sure I actually liked men. Like yea, men can be real shitty, but I also knew that initial, organic attraction doesn't rely on an ethical vetting process (i.e., you don't always need to know someone's personality to find them cute, lol). and time and time again, i would gain a small but distinctive crush on a guy (celebrity or not), and I would feel validated in my sexuality. Not to mention that my long-term partner transitioned from non-binary -> transman, and I still remained attracted to him. In fact, I think my attraction has grown, even. So, my only question I had left was "Why, even after all this self-reflection, do I feel like I'm still missing something?"

Well, guess what: IT WAS GENDER AGAIN!!

I began to wonder about my fascination with queer men expressing their sexuality. I didn't mention this before, but people such as Freddie Mercury and Harry Styles have transfixed me in a way I haven't been able to explain for literal years. And yes, they awe me with their talent, their charisma, their good looks, etc. But the common denominator outside of these things have always been their queerness.

Witnessing their expression of attraction to the same-sex, experimentation with femininity, confident stage presence, and gentle off-stage demeanor have made me feel a million different things. Comfort. Safety. Joy. Awe. Wonder. Lust. Yearning. Envy. Frustration, even. All because, in every which way, I wanted to emanate their uniquely queer energy.

Most of all, I learned that I want to express my attraction to men in an utterly homosexual way, despite being "not a man." And this lead me to the obscure term "girlfag," which means precisely what I'm describing. Being a "girlfag" as a genderqueer person means that despite experiencing most of my life as a "woman," I cannot for the life of me conjure up a heterosexual sense of attraction when experiencing attraction to a man. Everything about me is queer, so I cannot find anything appealing about typical "straight" sexual and romantic dynamics, healthy or not. This, of course, feels almost insanely hard to explain to other people. Most people think that bisexuality is split: as a woman, your attraction to women/"non-men" is queer and gay and revolutionary. Your attraction to men, however... not so much. It's just straight.

Which to me, is plain bullshit. If you're bi and you feel that your opposite-sex attraction is in fact straight, that's ok! I'm not here to police your sexuality. For me, however, it's a total crock, because I'm not attracted to men in the "normal" way, if you will. For one, I specifically seek out genderqueer/gnc men who love being feminine and masculine and everything in between; who identify strongly with women as people and as sexual beings. And, to put it plainly, I also deeply desire to do sex acts with men that most women would probably not consider. I often conceptualize myself as a performing a more masculine or androgynous role with men, wanting to woo them as if I were a princely figure, and wanting to fuck them with the same intense lust that gay men tend to have for each other. I want men to see my masculinity and revel in it. Specifically, gnc/genderqueer bisexual men are my everything and want them to be attracted to me so, so badly.

Anyway, to conclude: All of my attraction is queer all the time, full stop. Nothing is or will ever be more fulfilling than feeling like a queer because it breathes life into me. It's beautiful, invigorating, and empowering to be able to express this and I'm so happy to finally know this part of me. I love being a bisexual girl fag.

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. If you happen to relate, please let me know :)

oct 2022 update: not sure if “girlfag” is my fav word anymore lol but i still relate to my definition of it. i feel pretty equally like a boy as well as a girl atp

[liar-remastered-2011]

i still have the urge to lie about my IRL identity online, even though i'm more than old enough to engage with whatever content i want.

to be honest, there's still things i lie about online. not nearly as much as before, and now it's more obscuring or leaving out things instead of making things up, but i still do it.

i don't know if i want to be honest. it's safe to lie. if anyone reveals fake info, nothing dangerous would happen, i just block them and move on. if someone reveals real information, that's dangerous.

i want to think no one i know would do that, but you can never tell. even if you ask. especially if you ask. you just have to tell them and see what happens... and while i would like for someone to know, i don't want to tell anyone.

i'm the only one that knows everything about myself. that's true for everyone on the planet, but i sometimes wish i could talk to people about things i've never talked about before. like, i don't talk about the most significant parts of my identity and experiences because they involve things like my AGAB and what relates to it. i don't do things i want to do because i'm so anxious about it.

it gets in the way of relationships and connection and leaves me as an outcast, but what am i supposed to do?

in the end, it's a matter of respect. everyone knows you're trans when you say you're nonbinary. no one is born nonbinary. i can't just hide the fact i'm nonbinary. some people can pretend they're not trans, but not me. i cannot tolerate it. i cannot be around people who keep calling me by my birth pronouns, and it's getting to be the same way with my birth name, even though i don't have a new name picked out yet....

and they'll put you in a box depending on what your AGAB is -- if you're AFAB, you're bascially cis, trans guy lite, or hopping onto a trend. if you're AMAB, you're basically cis, trans girl lite, or a predator.

and people purposely misgender you -- online and IRL, but i'm talking about online. they still misgender me. remember that time i got a hate comment on comicfury but they guessed my AGAB wrong? funniest thing ever, but yeah. it doesn't hurt if they don't know your AGAB.

it's the fact that they want to hurt you that keeps me from talking about it. it's easier to be trans when no one knows what your AGAB is. not to minimize struggles ofc but stealthing as a binary trans person is a lot easier than for a nonbinary person.

everything feels so fake. i'm fake. i'm an actor playing myself in a movie. i want "real" relationships, which can't happen if i hide everything important about me, but it's too dangerous to expose it. ... really, it isn't that dangerous, it's not the total end of the world if someone leaks my AGAB... but it's the end of the world for me. it doesn't make sense and i know it, but i can't get over it. my information is the only thing i have control over. i need to be in control. i need to be safe. even if that means being alone.

[cdrcrowdedroom]

“i used to think being a lesbian who was in love with a bi woman just meant “damn i don’t stand a chance against anyone else” but now i see it as “when im hers, that means everyone else in the world couldn’t come close but i did!” like wow

like this is silly this discourse about their validity based on attraction when instead you could be thinking to yourself “that must’ve made things harder to navigate intimately” so when a bi woman gives you their love and trust it really means something

like out of 8 billion people in the world im the one for her? you really can’t believe it’s anything less than love. and to her ill give her everything the world couldn’t so she’d never have to doubt how valid she is in any aspect ever again because she IS the world to me.”

thoughts from my twitter but I wanted to expand on them a bit:

i id’d as bisexual from the ages of 13-18, and there was so much fear into leaning into my lesbianism because of expectations. i didn’t have a friend who fully id’d as gay or lesbian, my brother is gay but when he came out many many years prior it didn’t go well (times have changed now and at least my dad has grown, can’t speak on his mom), and i wasn’t sure how to just, be.

i always knew I was attracted to women, but the fear I had of being fully intimate and in love with one as opposed to being with a man made it easier at the time to just, say I liked both. but when it came to a head that my “attraction” to men came from a place of inauthentic intentions, only to conceal the fact that i loved women, and given that k was about to move far from home anyways, i needed to give myself grace to be who i always knew i was. four years later, i don’t want to be anything other than!

but that’s just me! most of my friends id as bi or queer (like one of my great friends who did ID as a lesbian but just recently came to a new development) , and i think we should give them more grace in general, but especially the women. after falling in love with a bi woman, from her perspective ive come to better understand why so many of them do not feel comfortable sharing it with the world — people want them to have some one-minded way of being! and if all these years later im still navigating my relationships with women, especially as a non-binary lesbian who is still in the process of even fully coming out as such, then who am i to tell anyone how they feel? especially again with these stereotypes in this big year — if they date a woman, they’re a lesbian or fetishized in some way; if they date a man, they’re straight or portrayed as liars. and when they speak on these things, they’re playing “victim”. they can’t win!

why is it so hard to believe? not everyone in the world comes swinging out the gate knowing exactly that their attraction is only for one sex/gender, and figuring that out is a journey in its own. to shoulder the attraction for both sexes with this weight of feeling “invalid” or a sense of unbelonging, personally, is something i doubt anyone just CHOOSES to take on. like who WANTS to be unhappy in love?

and again, i think to be loved by a bisexual woman is a blessing. again, out of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, im the one for her. already i make it known that there is no one that owns my heart the way she does, but more than anything, i want her to be 1001% comfortable in her identity — identity in attraction, presentation, personality and love.

oh, and this take of bisexual people being more likely to cheat on their partners or not be fully into them is quite arbitrary ? like anyone is capable of doing that, and if you do, regardless of how you ID, you’re just a shitty person! but the unthinkability of cheating in relationships is for another day.

anyways, i hope any of this made sense and bi women, i love you 🫶🏾 you’re wonderful and sexy

[cozbunny]

a piece about my journey with womanhood

I used to identify as trans. I was confused about my gender ever since elementary school, and I used to never feel feminine. I didn’t fit in with other girls in my grade, and I felt I got along more with the boys in class. I would look at the girls sitting together and gossiping about who’s dating who, talking about makeup, hair, and new clothes they’d gotten over the weekend, and I found it boring and dull. Then I’d look at the boys, who were swearing at each other,  roughhousing, and just being “boys”, and I’d get jealous of them. I always wished that I was one of the boys.

In middle school, I started playing with my gender identity and trying new names, pronouns, and labels, to see what would stick. It was an incredibly uncomfortable time. I was surrounded by friends who didn’t take me seriously at the time and thought that me changing my name and pronouns a lot was me faking being trans. It was incredibly hurtful when my friends would ignore me or say I was faking it all, because I knew my feelings were incredibly real. 

At the end of 7th grade, after playing with my identity for what felt like forever, I finally settled on identifying as nonbinary. That label was the only one that made sense to me at the time, and it felt validating to be able to put a name to what I was feeling. I continued to label myself that way all the way until 10th grade. 

During the summer between 10th and 11th grade, something in my identity shifted. I suddenly felt more “binary” than in previous years. I wanted to wear makeup, jewelry, and even dresses. For God’s sake, I wanted to wear dresses for the first time since I was four! I wanted to be just like the girls that bored me in elementary school. I wanted to be a girl for the first time in my entire life.

At first, I was embarrassed. How could I have been so wrong? I felt like an idiot. Then, I felt anxious. All of the friends I had made over the years were all part of the LGBT community, so how on earth was I supposed to tell them I want to de-transition? I felt like they’d make fun of me and stop wanting to be my friend. 

I attempted to suppress my feelings. I tried identifying as nonbinary but presenting as a girl, I tried to say I was nonbinary and a girl at the same time, I even cut my hair and tried to look as masculine as possible. All of it made me feel worse, and I was depressed. I hated myself and just wished I had the courage to actually be myself.

After a while, I admitted to my boyfriend that I wanted to de-transition. I felt ashamed, but he supported me wholeheartedly. I asked him to start calling me she/her pronouns and referring to me as his girlfriend, and when he did, it all made sense. I was a cis girl!

My boyfriend gave me the courage to begin de-transitioning. I was embarrassed at first, but with time I got more comfortable with it. My friends from before did make fun of me, and even came up with crazy theories as to why I changed so much, which I was fine with because I wasn’t friends with them anymore. And for good reason. 

It’s safe to say that I’m much happier fully embracing myself for who I am, instead of trying to appease other people, and being ashamed that I was wrong in the past. It’s okay to change, and those who tried to shame me for that were stuck in the past and weren’t worth my time. I’m glad I’m me now, and not someone people want me to be. 

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 4 - Game Time - 17 February 2023, 12:48am

Today passed without much fuss. Great, I suppose, given how I woke up from yet another dream in which I was a girl, or, at least, doing gender-affirming things like using the right washroom. TMI. Yes.

Some might say that dreams are stupid, that they don't make sense. Others say that dreams are telling of things going on in your life.

I don't know what to think. Even scarier, I don't know how to think about it.

All I know is hate, and...

I hate the fact that I'm so hopelessly attracted to girls. That, or, being hopelessly attracted to the prospect of becoming one. A part of me wishes I could be... normal, whatever that means.

I just don't get it. Someone I know underwent knee surgery, and still came out being... more positive than I am.

I've gone through nothing compared to them. Just some first-world issues called gender identity. I'm just a stupid guy who wants to be a girl.

...

It's no secret that I hate myself. I hate being everybody's rock. I was there when my brother couldn't handle himself in an abusive relationship (he was abused, emotionally). I was there when my father spat into my grandfather's face. I was there when mom threw dad's iphone into the floor, seven or so years ago, when he became depressed after an ankle injury, and couldn't work for awhile. I was there when people told me to fuck off with my “sperm guitar”. I was there when mom was stressed out with work.

...

Nobody was there. Nobody was there for me when I hit myself. I only stopped when I could not take the pain.

Nobody was there for me when I admitted I couldn't feel anything. I shut up about it. Eventually apathy becomes a blessing.

Nobody was there for me when I helped my brother out with his relationship. I went to sleep worrying about him, especially after every episode of his ex emotionally abusing him. I feared for his life; like me, he's sensitive. And she hurt him. Irreparably. I see it in his eyes, how scared he is to be vulnerable. So, I bring out his vulnerability, with Gyoza (my stuffie duck). But I digress.

Will anybody be there, for me?

Do I even want anybody there, for me?

Those words sound so foreign, that, I have to make sure I'm willing myself to say them.

Honestly, if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. I don't want you around. I just want to be alone so I can be put out of my fucking misery. Killing me would be a mercy, compared to having me be around, as everybody's rock.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to, anymore.

...

them: “Prioritize life! Come to us, and don't die.”

me: “Why? You've got your second-chance woman here.” (I played a support/healer character, if it explains anything.)

them: “Because we'd be in a 2v3! I don't care what binary you are in.”

That's... kinda true - whatever I identify as doesn't change the outcome of a virtual fight.

Still... it got me questioning.

And, inevitably, it all leads me down to the same question:

Why am I like this?

...

That was the same question my ex-partner asked me. In her exact words,

her: “things happened that led you to be this way”

her: “we gotta look back in time to see how that problem showed up”

me: “what if I told you...”

me: “it just happened, when I was 7?”

her: “cant be it just happened 🙃”

so...

...what happened?

I wish I knew.

Do you, for one moment, think that I'd want to keep ogling girls?

That I'd want to feel lovesick for a life that isn't mine, because of how I was born?

That I'd want to keep envying people of the opposite gender, so much so, that I'd get envy over a fucking animate flower in a fucking video game?

gosh.

...why?

What is wrong with me?

... Is the very concept of me, wrong?

[dontgofarfromme]

hello gay audiobook anon here, so i am well into book 2 and i have to say there are so many people learning so many things about the ways their nephews and uncles and father figures like to fuck (burrich the bitey stallion be still my loins). my favourite tho is nighteyes chiming in every so often like a cross between the michael jackson popcorn gif and Texts From Dog

anyway, i am very interested in how gender is playing out too, like the world is built ostensibly equal (women as warriors and in all walks of life, female inheritance etc) but still very much not in practice? or is that just my perception? v glad to see molly, kettricken, patience and lacey (lacey!!!!!) balancing out the sausage fest a bit lol what r ur thoughts, & does the gender stuff develop more later? i assume so esp bc of the fool.

Oh my god unfortunately people continue to learn things about the sex lives of people of whom they definitely did not want to know anything about for like....ever in these books hdkhfskkd I feel so bad for Fitz 😂

The gender stuff in this series is.....something lol. It has a fair amount of female characters compared to a lot of fantasy series, and obviously the Fool challenges a lot of ideas about binary gender constantly through the series, but unfortunately I'd say on a whole I was more frustrated than not with the overarching messaged I got regarding gender. It's partially because of the fact that there are so many female characters and that the Fool seems to be so well written (as far as I can tell his portrayal as a nonbinary character appears to be taken seriously and done respectfully and with a fair amount of realism, although I'm not entirely clear on how intentional it was and I wouldn't say it's perfect. I'm also not nonbinary myself so i cant speak from experience, but I think there's quite a few rote fans who are and who have written on the topic if you wanna dig into that more) that I feel this way bc I feel like hobb sets you up in these books for something that will have some sort of positive or interesting or progressive thoughts around gender, or will at least show follow through with the way its set up six duchies society to interact with gender, but for the most part it,,,doesn't. Ostnetiably the country is completely unbiased when it comes to women holding land or titles or jobs that were traditionally male, but the actual way characters interact and the way characters perceive things like jobs and family and stuff feels like it takes place in a fairly rigid patriarchal society. This also makes it interesting when you go to other locations in later books that are supposedly more patriarchal and find that while there's more explicit "stay in the kitchen" behavior there, the ultimate roles a lot of characters get chucked into are like...very similar in the Six Duchies anyway. In addition to this the Rain Wild chronicles are just god awful when it comes to gender, just like truly the worst most "there are boys and there are girls and boys do this and girls do this and never the twain shall meet etcetc" and you keep reading and hoping there's some hidden theme or some way this is gonna get turned on its head and it does not it just continues to get worse.

THAT SAID I do think the female characters are for the most part engaging and well-rounded (if not always given the importance i think they deserve), and there are many of them. And the Fool is hands down the best character in this series imo, and the amount of focus on him serves the series well as it allows gender and identity to be played with and engaged with in a variety of ways while also ensuring he's a 3D character not a joke or a cardboard cutout who's there specifically and only to be a lesson for Fitz (again, I'm not like 100% sure how much RH was aware of what she was doing with him but if she's ever made a statement about it it was clearly less inflammatory than the shit she said about the fitz/fool relationship which is....probably a good sign). I just find she didn't think through the potential implications of some of her world building choices and got kind of stuck in the mould of "this is what a fantasy world is like." And also just. The entire Rain Wild traders series gave me pause as to what her thoughts on gender actually are lolololol if you're looking for a series to skip that is it!!!!!! It's not worth it for the cameos.

Also I know some of my gripes are very vague here but I don't wanna spoil you for things! I have specific things that annoy me about the way certain characters' stories turn out and also very specific gripes with the rain wild traders in particular that I won't detail bc I don't wanna tell u stuff you'd rather find out on ur own.

[ladybekks]

I've been thinking a lot about gender and what it means to be a woman in today's society over the last few years.

What is a woman? Well the simplest answer is that a woman is what she says she is. If you are a woman, you identify as a woman.

Some people would say this leaves doors open for miscreants and criminals to just call themselves whatever they want to avoid repercussions. This comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of what identity means when it comes to gender.

For me, I am a very feminine person and I express myself like a woman but I don't connect with femininity. I like wearing pretty clothes and being seen as beautiful, but I balk at the thought of wearing makeup and doing my hair nicely every day. I like my voice and my body (even though I know I could improve my fitness) but there's some days where I would rather not have chest baggies, thank you very much. I don't mind my boyfriend using female gendered terms like girlfriend, but it makes me really happy when he refers to me as his partner.

I am a femme non-binary person that was born female. It means I have a lot of privilege when it comes to society at large. Random strangers in public see me as a woman and I don't have a problem with that. I have the privilege of not needing to change my gender on my ID. I don't need to change my name, I can just tell people I prefer Bekks, my nickname over my full name.

Here's the real kicker though, my identity, how I see myself, is a lot more androgynous than what I present. Because inside I know I am not a woman.

I know that because I have a friend who is a little younger and went through a stage of just using they/them pronouns for everyone. He didn't want to misgender anyone so played that safe card. I liked it though, I'd never thought hard about gender and how it related to me at all. I didn't connect with being a female but I connected with being a they/them, a non-binary person.

It's crazy to think that someone being so careful to not accidentally label someone helped me discover the label that I should've been using.