#neurotypical spouse problems

[performing-personhood]

[Scene: two married people discuss the day's upcoming dinner, the narrator and her partner. Wearing shoes and preparing for a quick run to the shop, he is shutting the crisper drawer and withdrawing from the refrigerator.]

"Those chicken breasts are still very frozen."

Yeah, ugh I didn't plan far enough in advance. Again. I'm sorry!

"OK, well I can figure something out for dinner."

I mean, it's YOUR weekend. Cooking dinner is my job!

"It is, and you suck at it."

Ok but in my defense, this is a full-time job and I really only slack off once or twice a week. Which is pretty good for a full-time job.

"It's really not though."

[They stare at each other expectantly. A moment of silence elapses.]

Okay, well, sorry? Fuck me then, I guess.

[He shuts his eyes in exasperation and holds them closed. Another moment of silence elapses.]

Just. Bring home an ingredient you want for dinner and I'll cook with it.

"..... we'll see how it goes. I'll be back in a bit."

Alright, bye then.

[He exits.]

[The narrator picks up her phone, intent on sharing this frustrating experience. Seeing nobody appropriate in the chat but still feeling an intense desire to capture the conversation verbatim before it fades, she decides a post is in order and decides to script the whole thing in a Tumblr post instead. She is sure that, once written out, it will be clear which one of the two was being an asshole. Disappointingly, this does not transpire as being the case.]

[Fade to black.]

[officialleehadan]

Writing Pregnancy

Hello darlings. I've been thinking about writing this for a while, and it seems useful to a lot of people who are planning to Baby or who have characters who are planning to, or currently are, Babying.

It's not exactly a story, but y'all seem to like these essays from time to time, so I hope this one is interesting too.

So here it is. A guide to being pregnant as written by someone who has recently done it, for writers who have not or will not do it themselves.

This post will be broken down by weeks, because that’s how medical people do it, and also because some of this stuff really doesn’t happen by month.

DISCLAIMER: Every pregnancy is different. Your mileage may differ, maybe a lot. This is based on my pregnancy and is written as a handy reference for people who haven't done this themselves.

An important note, doctors count pregnancy as having begun AT THE DATE OF THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LAST PERIOD unless there are extenuating circumstances such as an extremely unreliable, or nonexistent period. If this is the case, they will judge it based on your first ultrasound (8 weeks or so) or by when morning sickness kicks in (6-10 weeks) depending on the tech level your character is facing.

Be aware, this guide will be fairly explicit and will talk about the squishy bits, since they’re pretty involved in this whole business. If you keep reading and discover the horrible truth, that pregnancy is profoundly icky in many ways, I warned you.

Anyway, on to the fun part!

FAQ:

I am in my early-mid 30s (early when newly pregnant, older now obviously) when I was pregnant. I am in sound, but not neurotypical, mental health, and good physical health. I do not have major allergies or food issues other than caffeine which I am allergic to. (This is also relevant. More on this later.) I have some notable back problems which will be noted here because they’re relevant too. This pregnancy was planned and I have a wonderful and extremely supportive spouse (husband) who is the baby’s biological father. I also work a lot, but from home, which very much altered my experience

Week One: FIRST TRIMESTER

Technically speaking, right now, you’re probably menstruating and not actually pregnant at all. This will feel like a normal period, because that’s what it is. You’re not pregnant yet. Business as usual. If you were planning to get pregnant, you’re already on prenatal vitamins.

Week Two:

Congrats! You got laid! You still feel normal because implantation hasn’t happened yet. You’re still not technically pregnant. Just horny. Get it while it’s hot. If this pregnancy was an accident, or you’re trying to get pregnant, you’re not eagerly awaiting the point where you can test to know for sure.

Week Three:

Okay this is where you might see your first symptoms if your cycle is very regular, like mine is, and you’re watching your body closely for “that’s new” stuff. In my case, my boobs started swelling like they do when I’m on my period, except I was two weeks out from my period. Cue “huh, I might be pregnant” montage.

Week Four:

If you can test and you’re using the good home tests, or you’re in a hospital, this is probably when you test positive for pregnancy. Congrats!

Cue the “oh crap I’m pregnant??” Montage. (Yes this will happen even if you wanted it, planned it, and were actively trying to get pregnant. There will be some panic. You very likely will consider getting an abortion even if you’re eager and wanting the pregnancy. Don’t beat yourself up. This is normal.)

Week Five:

If your cycle is reasonably regular, this is when you’re gonna miss your first missed period. If you knew you’re pregnant, this is cool! Menstruation sucks. Not having your period for nine months is one of the best parts of pregnancy. If you didn’t know you’re pregnant, you’re probably panicking about now and buying a home test.

The ClearBlue digital ones are good and they’re in most pharmacies. Get those ones. Buy your prenatals at the same time. If you don’t want them, you don’t want them, but if you do want them, making a second trip is annoying. Also consider taking D3, calcium, fiber gummies, and fish oil. They all support you and baby health and keep the pregnancy from taking more of the nutrients form your body than you can spare.

Week Six:

You feel like you should feel different and don’t, and it’s weird. For those with a longer, or irregular cycle, this might be where you hit the stuff from Week Five. If you’re having the boob inflation like I did, that’s still happening. Buckle up. It’s not gonna stop. Otherwise, you feel weirdly normal. For a character who doesn’t have access to good sex education, they may not even know they’re pregnant yet.

Week Seven:

Basically the same as Week Six. You feel like you should feel different, and don’t. It’s uncommon, but you might start feeling morning sickness around this point. It’ll start as vague nausea and food aversions. This will get worse.

Week Eight:

Your first ultrasound! Congrats! It looks like a gummy bear that twitches! If you have twins, it may or may not be detectable at this point. You can’t tell the sex yet. It’s a gummy bear. If you don’t get an ultrasound for reasons of fictional story, you still might not know you’re pregnant. If you’re going to get an abortion, this is the last chance in many places.

Week Nine:

So It Begins. The morning sickness. You have food poisoning all the time. You feel profoundly like hell and may be prone to puking, and still being hungry, so you go back and keep eating, because you need the calories. This is also when you start getting thirsty all the time. This is because you gain more than half again your blood volume while pregnant. You need that hydration to make blood and amniotic fluid for your baby.

I found ice cream bars with nuts to be very good for dealing with morning sickness, and ginger did absolutely nothing at all. I basically lived on tea for a while there.

Week Ten:

Congrats. You feel like crap basically all the time. My morning sickness was pretty mild and I was puking almost every day. More if I hit a trigger food, which for me was anything that tasted or smelled ‘green’ (zucchini especially but cucumber and most leafy greens too) ‘water smell’ (showering, rain, humidity in general) and the usual ick smells (the trash).

You’re also tired all the time. Naps R Us. If you get flat and comfortable, you’re gonna fall asleep. If you’re flat and uncomfortable you might fall asleep. If you’re reasonably supported and upright you might fall asleep. Just assume you’re gonna be sleeping a lot.

If you’re writing a character with morning sickness, they’re likely to be very cuddly, but also very reluctant to go more than a very quick jog to the toilet.

The good news is that this is also when the major risk of miscarriage is over, and is frequently when people tell their families they’re expecting. Cue lots of celebrations!

Week Eleven:

“What the crap did I get myself into?”

Week Twelve:

“When is this crap gonna go away?”

Your baby is moving now, but you can’t feel it at all. You’ll see it in the ultrasounds however, which is neat.

Week Thirteen: SECOND TRIMESTER

“I have been eating soup and applesauce for FOUR WEEKS and I want Mexican but refried beans went Badly.”

it’s not uncommon to get a UTI at this point because you’re peeing a lot and it’s tough to stay clean because water smell makes you puke. Your doctors will take this uncomfortably seriously. You will get The Good Antibiotics, not the piddly crap they usually give out.

You will also now have very strong opinions about what sucks to puke up, as dictated by your nose, which has opinions about everything. You will have safe foods. Unfortunately for you, you’re just about past needing them.

Week Fourteen:

“I want a sandwich with deli meat, and a whole plate of sushi, and I can’t have either of them. This sucks.”

If you gave up caffeine, this is where that will really get hard. If you were already caffeine free, like I was, you’ll be jonsing for stuff you’re not allowed to have, like raw fish and deli meat. Be strong, but if you waver, it probably isn’t the end of the world. 

I’m told this is where cravings kick in, but I didn’t get anything notable, so I don’t know.

Week Fifteen:

This is about the time you kind of start feeling better. They say morning sickness starts improving around Week Thirteen, but for me it was longer. The napping is still a thing, so just be okay with that. This also when I started to show. That really depends on body type. I went into pregnancy carrying a little extra weight because I knew I would lose some during morning sickness (I lost nine pounds and mine wasn’t that bad. Be aware.) so it took a little longer for me to show.

More interestingly, you can actually feel your uterus now. It’s kind of like a grapefruit below your belly button. It will grow. You will be very curious about it the whole time

Week Sixteen

“Hey, I kind of feel better now!”

You have energy again. It’s novel. You can do chores and drive, and generally be a person. It shouldn’t be as exciting as it is, but here we are. Time to decorate the nursery if you have one, and to put together a whole bunch of stuff. It’s also a good time to clean up the ‘first trimester disaster’ that is your comfy spot and the mounds of crap around it.

Week Seventeen:

Still napping a lot, but almost feel human. Watch out for the Icks (your pregnancy sensitivities, like ‘green’ for me, which didn’t go away for my whole pregnancy) but you can actually take a shower without puking in the shower now! Scented products may or may not bother you later, but you’ll want them after you give birth. I threw away my shower gel after it made me sick and I regret it now.

Week Eighteen:

“Wow, I have a Baby Bump!” Cue walking around with your hand in your belly so everyone knows you’re pregnant OR wearing your biggest baggiest clothing to hide it and still feeling like it’s super obvious.

Week Nineteen:

There’s a fair chance you felt your baby move at this point, but unfortunately you’re also farting enough to fill the Hindenburg and this early any kicks feel like gas. Stay away from open flames and you’ll be okay.

Week 20: HALFWAY DONE!

Anatomy scan! This is your second ultrasound and the one where you might find out the sex of your baby. This is also where they’ll look for birth defects and genetic conditions. You may also do a blood test here which can also screen for genetic issues, and problems such as RH incompatibility, which is totally treatable with modern science but could kill a baby in a more medieval story.

Note: you may not find out the gender at this or any point until birth. My little girl got her nickname of Wiggles because she was doing cartwheels and the tech couldn’t get a good look between her legs. We didn’t find out her gender until she was born.

If you do find out, and this is crucial, DO NOT tell anyone but your partner what the sex is, or what names you’re considering. Everyone has opinions and all of them suck. Lie through your teeth about not knowing, or just tell them you want it to be a surprise. Do anything but tell them what they want to know. You will regret it if you do

Week Twenty-One:

“Holy crap that was intense. Definitely a kick!”

This is called the ‘quickening’ and for a fantasy character, will be one of the big ‘you’re really pregnant’ signs, because miscarriage is common. At twenty weeks, that risk is much less, which is a huge relief. Plus, now you’re getting kicks, which are all kinds of fun. It’s your first chance to really interact with the person you’re building inside you!

Week Twenty-Two:

“I need to clean the whole house right now everything is dirty I might rearrange the living room.

Welcome to nesting. It doesn’t go away. Use it to your advantage and clean whatever needs cleaning. Don’t judge yourself for starting and not finishing a project. You’re burning everything you have. Shame isn’t welcome here.

A fantasy character may start cleaning if they’re poor, or making baby clothing.

Week Twenty-Three:

Okay here’s where I started having problems. I have hypermobile ribs and mild scoliosis in my lower spine, these together mean a lot of back pain over the years, which I am very familiar with and which is annoying at best and debilitating at worst.

The issue? Pregnancy comes with a huge dose of the natural chemical relaxin. As the name implies, this softens up your tendons, among other things. If you have hypermobility already, get ready for a whole range of fun new ways to pop your bones out of place.

The worse issue? During pregnancy, you’re not allowed any painkiller but Tylenol. If you’re like me and hyper resistant to most pain meds, you might as well be popping tiktacs for all the good Tylenol will do for you.

Buy a heat pad (NOT A BLANKET, you cannot overheat right now) it will help.

If you tell your medical professionals about this back pain, they will freak out and want to get your kidneys tested, because asymptomatic UTIs can turn into kidney infections very quickly during pregnancy and can get very serious very quickly. If you are familiar with your particular brand of back pain, have the “Chronic Pain and You” conversation with your doctor early. The earlier the better. They still won’t give you anything better than Tylenol, but they probably won’t try to test your kidneys unless you pop a fever

Week Twenty-Four:

Kicking! Those are real kicks! Holy crap! Kicking!

This is so much fun, but it's also pretty unreliable. Baby will kick when it pleases them, not when you want to show someone else, and it'll be sporadic, even until the very end.

You may be getting Braxton hicks contractions. They don’t hurt, but they make your belly tense up, which is amusing. Also, when you orgasm, your uterus will get all hard. It does this normally, you just can’t usually feel it. It might freak you out a little. Coincidentally you will be horny enough to hop aboard just about anything that holds still long enough. Get a willing partner and/or a very fine collection of sex toys and be prepared to spend a lot of time taking yourself in hand.

Week Twenty-Five:

Your Dr appointments now happen every two weeks unless they’re worried about something. Also, buy a really comfortable pair of slip on shoes. Your time of being able to reach your feet is coming to an end and you’re gonna want them. Pro: maternity clothing is super soft and comfy and you’re gonna be delighted to wear it. It does tend to come in an unfortunate variety of ‘little house on the preggo’ floral patterns with demure necklines, but there’s some good stuff out there

Week Twenty-Six:

The Eater Beast Appears. You’re hungry all the time. No really. All the time. Constantly. Nuts are good for a snack. I ate a lot of peanut butter and apples. You may be having cravings. If so, lean into them. Have fun with it. This is the good part of your pregnancy.

Plus side, EVERYTHING tastes good!

Week Twenty-Seven

You REALLY look pregnant now. People will start asking when you’re due and giving you bad advice. Don’t murder them. You can probably get away with it, but cleaning up all that blood is hard when you can’t actually get off the ground without help anymore.

Week Twenty-Eight: THIRD TRIMESTER

Final ultrasound and gestational diabetes testing. The ultrasound is fun because Baby looks like a baby now! Holy crap! There’s a whole person inside you! You contain twice the usual number of bones! If you’re having a boy, you have in fact grown a pair.

My baby had a tiny little heart defect, so we talked to a specialist at this point. Try not to freak out if this happens. Defects like that are very easy to fix, and often go away on their own as my girl’s did.

The diabetes testing is different for everyone. They’ll have you drink a glycerin drink (get the orange flavored one. It’s reasonably inoffensive and you have to chug the stuff) and will test your blood to see how you react to the sugars. Don’t freak out if it’s positive. Most of the time gestational diabetes goes away after birth. If you’re borderline, they’ll test you again but for three hours rather than one.

The glycerin drink made me really sick and I refused to do the three hour testing. They will get very grumpy if you do this, however, you can buy a diabetic testing kit and track your blood sugars four times a day for a week instead, and they’ll accept that too. (Don’t get the one they prescribe. The Contour Next is cheap, reliable, easy to use, and doesn’t cost $200)

They might want you to change your diet and exercise. You will want to murder them for this. Don’t do it. Go for the damn walks and eat less carbs. It will kind of suck, but it’s for your baby, and it isn’t permanent.

Week Twenty-Nine

Return of the Nap Demon. You will sleep SO MUCH. Let it happen. Your body is working hard to build another person. Have mercy on yourself. Eat. Be okay with the weight gain. A lot of it is the baby inside you and your placenta, and the fluid you need to support them both. You need the calories.

Also, LACTATION! This is when two more of your orifices, which previously did not leak, start to leak. This too, will get worse. You can save the colostrum for your baby though, which can be helpful.

Week Thirty:

The Final Countdown. You’re ten weeks off your due date and if you haven’t already, you need to figure out how and where you want to give birth. Talk with your midwives and doctors. If you’re high risk, they won’t want you to give birth outside a hospital. This will feel crappy, but is honestly the safest choice provided you’re willing to tell doctors to piss off when needed. Start figuring out your birth plan. Talk to other expecting parents.

Week Thirty-One:

“Ugh, I’m huge.”

At this point, your character absolutely is not getting on a horse without a lot of help, and cannot ride for long regardless without serious discomfort or even pain. A fall could mean losing the baby, or a serious injury, and the undercarriage is not gonna handle having that much weight on it for long without protestations.

Week Thirty-Two

“Why am I crying? I’m not actually upset about anything and yet, I am hysterical.”

Warn your partner about this phase beforehand. They won’t believe how bad it’s gonna get, but the warning is still nice to have. Remind them that you warned them between bites of your favorite ice cream.

Week Thirty-Three:

Everyone you know who has baby stuff will try to give it to you. Be prepared to refuse whatever you don’t want. Be merciless or you will be flooded with broken baby crap you don’t want until you find some other poor soul to pawn it off on.

Week Thirty-Four:

You’ve been talking names, but now it’s time to decide for real. Try to follow this guide with your baby name options. Your kid will thank you for it.

1. Easy to say (no weird pronunciations)

2. Easy to spell (you are permitted ONE silent letter and no more)

3. Does not require explanation (Cultural names of a culture you’re not part of, especially)

4. Sounds good with middle and last name

5. Initials don’t spell something weird or stupid (Dora Indigo Kennedy sounds great, but the initials spell DIK)

6. Has agreeable nicknames (Elizabeth > Lizzy)

7. Isn’t a gimme for bullies to make fun of (Pubert)

8. Isn’t in the top 10 most popular names within the last five years. (Don’t want five of them in the same class)

9. Is not the name of someone you hate, even if it’s also the name of a family member. (obviously)

Follow these, and you will have a happy child who does not resent you for naming them something weird and messed up that no one can ever say or spell correctly, and which they have to explain every time they introduce themselves

Week Thirty-Five

You’re huge. You’ve just about reached maximum size and if your baby comes early at this point, they’ll probably be fine. This is immensely reassuring, because you have spent the last several months panicking about what if the baby comes early. Nightly baths are amazing. Also, your hair and nails will grow super fast right now, so be ready for that.

Week Thirty-Six:

Mobility is a serious issue. Stairs are hard. So are curbs. Getting into and out of a car is a Process and getting up off the couch or out of bed takes a While unless you have help. Your balance is screwed and you waddle now. You’re a real fall risk and that does change how you interact with the world.

You also probably can’t unload the laundry if it’s a top-loader, and you might not be able to do the dish washer either. Bonus! Less chores

Week Thirty-Seven:

Remember the Nap Demons? They’re back and they brought a friend. Heartburn Hell. It’s been bad for a while but it’s worse now. Skip the tums and go for something stronger.

Week Thirty-Eight:

Your craps are gone. Baby is due in fourteen days and you have given up on your good habits. You’re probably still walking, but only because Baby has their head lodged against your cervix and is trying to burrow out. People call this lightning crotch for a reason because it really feels like you have a taser lodged up there that gives you a shock now and then

On the plus side, baby kicks like crazy now and that’s both awesome and kind of uncomfortable. You can play with their feet and poke them, and they’ll probably have a favorite place to hang out in your belly. Pro tip, if baby just will not settle, get a hot pack and put it against the side where they hang out. They’ll curl up and go to sleep on it. Just make sure you don’t overheat.

If you think anyone this pregnant is doing much of anything except growl about how heavy they feel and eat, you’re wrong. Nobody is leading armies to war like this. Anyone trying to fight because their life is immediately in danger will probably lose because they are large, heavy, clumsy, and their center of gravity is toast.

Week Thirty-Nine:

The last rush of Nesting and it’ll be a bad one. You’re gonna try to do all kinds of stupid crap, like scrubbing the floors (you get stuck) climbing up ladders (you are a fall risk, get down) trying to drive places (you get dizzy, you should not be driving at this point) and trying to lift heavy stuff (absolutely not). You might try to paint your nursery or hang curtains. I tried to plant my whole garden. Don’t be me

Week Forty:

The Due Date Has Come. You’re now on baby-watch. You’re probably having a ton of Braxton Hicks, but the big difference between them and the real deal is pain. Braxton Hicks don’t hurt and real ones kind of feel like period cramps. How uncomfortable contractions are at first will really depend on how you handle pain.

Week Forty-One:

“What the hell do you mean I haven’t gone into labor yet?? Get this child out of me!”

Week Forty-Two:

“Crap. I’m just gonna be pregnant forever, huh? …oh crap. I think my water just broke.”

The usual questions:

Morning sickness:

So, morning sickness isn’t puking all the time. In fact if you’re puking more than once a day it’s a serious medical condition called hyperemesis gravidarum and sometimes requires medication

More commonly it’s a general sense of not feeling well, followed by brief but dramatic puking. Honestly, the closest analogy is really bad food poisoning when you can feel the puke coming, but it hasn’t come yet

During the morning sickness phase, you HAVE to eat. Not eating makes it so much worse, so it helps if you set a strict schedule of eating a snack or a small meal every two hours you’re awake, and as soon as you wake and right before bed. Apple sauce good. Doesn’t suck coming back up. Same with most soups. Avoid spicy, acids, and crunchy stuff. They’re all miserable coming back. Drink a LOT of water.

Scents will be a problem. Your sense of smell goes haywire and cranks up to 11. I’m practically noseblind and I could smell the apples in my kitchen from across the house. Normally this would be fun. During morning sickness, it means fun new ways to puke in exciting places. The smell difference between being inside and going outside is sometimes enough, and any of your trigger scents or flavors will get you reliably. Scented products are a hard no. Pack them away for now. You’ll want them later.

The hard part is that doing anything strenuous, like hanging out with friends or going to the grocery store, will make it worse for the days following. The exhaustion compounds. You absolutely can’t borrow from tomorrow’s spoons and trying to push yourself will just lead to being even worse off the next day. You HAVE to rest. It’s not optional and your body will enforce it on you.

It does help to get an essential oil you like and wear it in a diffuser. I used lavender, but any smell you like and which doesn’t smell like death to you will work. Make sure it isn’t touching skin. A lot of oils are caustic, and some are toxic.

Other than that, just try to ride it out. It doesn’t last.

Body changes:

It starts out slow and then lingers. You’ll feel like you should be showing way before you are, but once you hit your second trimester, it’s very obvious you’re pregnant, and one you hit the third trimester they can probably see you from space. You waddle. Your coordination goes down the tubes, you’re hot all the time, thirsty and hungry all the time, and exhausted a lot of the time.

You will also stink. Your BO will spike with your hormones and unfortunately, you will absolutely not want to bathe until the third trimester, when you want to be in the water all the time.

Your hair will, however, be awesome. Preggo hair is a thing. So is post-partum shedding, so be ready to shed more than three long-hair cats. It’s a thing. Unfortunately this does include your body hair, which will grow fast and thick. If it bothers you, you’re gonna be shaving a lot.

Here’s where it gets TMI, but if you’re writing a pregnant character or you’re pregnant/want to get pregnant yourself, you gotta know. There will be itching. You will not be able to shave your undercarriage at all after a certain point, so if it matters that much, you’ll need help. Your cooch will also smell different. Weird, but there it is.

Being in water helps immensely I spent a lot of my pregnancy in the bath and I strongly credit that for helping to support my back and ribs, which were not thrilled about the temporary tenant. It also helps with the ‘ugh I’m heavy’ complaint. Spend as much time in the water as you can, but remember not to let it get more than 100 degrees, or you can put Baby and yourself at risk. You have a lot more blood in your body right now. That makes for certain issues, such as fainting.

You will feel heavy. This is most notable during the third trimester, but when it becomes a problem, it really becomes a problem.

This is a problem because the only pain killer you’re allowed is Tylenol, and not much of that. If you’re in screaming pain, you can go totally hospital but they probably won’t give you anything for it. There’s a serious risk to your baby; and while they won’t prioritize the baby over you, you’re the one who is driving the bus, so they’re gonna make you obey the metaphorical traffic laws.

Labor:

Game day. You’ve been waiting for this for nine months and thank anything holy it’s finally here.

It starts as little flutters that kind of feel like gas, and you’ll probably be farting a fair bit anyway because you have a baby squishing your organs in every direction. After a while, it’ll start to feel more like cramping, and that’s when you know it’s game day. You start timing them at that point, and here’s where Hollywood starts messing up.

Labor is slow.

I was contracting for about ten hours before my water broke. If you’re pregnant, buy the adult diapers. Just do it. Put them on as soon as you realize you’re in labor. What comes out of you when your water breaks is foul. It’s not water. It’s slime, and it’s stinky. Sometimes it’s brown. It’s never something you want on anything you’re planning to keep. The diaper will contain it and you will be GLAD.

So ten hours in, my water broke. This is the sign that it’s not false labor. You’re ready to rock and roll.

This is also where my story differs from most.

Generally, when your water breaks, you’re about ten hours from pushing. Those ten hours will suck, but the nurses are mostly really nice and you can kick the mean ones out without repercussion. If you don’t vibe with one, switch tjem out. You don’t have to keep a nurse you don’t like.

The contractions will get stronger and they will get more painful. The nurses will call them “intense”. That’s bullcrap. It hurts. If you want medication, you have options. Ask for them freely and without shame.

Pushing is kind of a blur. You’ll be on so many endorphins and probably an epidural, that you’ll be in a haze. You push with the contractions for best effect. You’re gonna poop. This is good. Means you’re pushing right. You absolutely will not care in the moment.

It will feel like it’s not progressing at all, but your support people are gonna be on the ball and they’ll give you updates. If you have an epidural, it helps. If not, breathe through it and ride the endorphins. The worst part is when the head isn’t entirely through the cervix and everything is stretching a whole lot. Once the head is in the channel and you’re making progress, it gets easier.

It still hurts a whole lot, even with the meds, but you honestly won’t care because your whole body is designed to do this thing, and it’s GONNA do it at this point, whether you want to or not.

As soon as the head is out, the rest of the baby follows, and it sort of feels like you’ve been gutted. Things because you pretty much have. Birthing the placenta is entirely secondary to your tiny new baby and getting sewn up if you tear is uncomfortable, but after everything else, pretty negligible. Also, new baby!

Afterwards:

So, postpartum recovery sucks. All those endorphins are gone, you’re no longer on pain meds, and you just squeezed a baby through your cooch. You probably have stitches, and everything hurts. Walking is hard and without help, it’s also dangerous. You’re a fall risk. Do not try to hold your baby and walk at the same time unless you absolutely must. That’s what your birth support person is for. If you don’t have one, they’ll provide one.

Peeing hurts. Pooping is worse. You will be passing blood clots and your underwear (remember, get the adult diapers. They’re way better) will look like that scene from The Shining with the blood tsunami. This is all normal but it’s pretty horrifying.

They will give you various products to help with recovery. Some work better than others. Use all of them. The compound effects help.

It will be about three weeks before you feel like you can pee without it hurting. It’ll be closer to six before you can poop without worrying. Either way, there will be some major changes to your squishy parts.

Me specifically:

Remember how I mentioned my story was different? Yeah. So I was in labor for 62 hours, and pushed for five of those before my daughter was born.

For most of it, it was just waiting for my body to get into gear, and then when I wasn’t progressing, for the pitocin to kick in. I didn’t want to be on pitocin, but I wasn’t going to risk my baby, and labor that long comes with some real risks to mother and baby.

I did have both fentanyl (which for reasons of my messed up biology doesn’t affect me at all) and an epidural, which did help, but was hindered by my scoliosis. (Having a curve in your spine makes it hard to put the needle in the right place).

I could have had a c section, but I was very against it and since we were doing okay, despite it taking a long time, they let me have a vaginal birth.

This is not normal and is a product of my messed up biology. Your experience may differ.

Breastfeeding:

Okay babies do not come out of the uterus knowing how to do this. They’re really bad at latching at first and it will take a few tries to get them to latch. Even then, if they have a high palate or a tongue tie, they may struggle to latch.

Even so, breastfeeding really is an incredible feeling of knowing nature built you so right that you can keep your whole baby alive with just what your body makes for them.

This can make breastfeeding hard, and even if they have a good latch, it kind of sucks for a while as your nipples get used to nursing and your milk comes in. You’ll produce colostrum for the first few days, and that will slowly turn to milk over a week or so.

Baby will need to eat basically every hour for the first few weeks, then every two hours, but in greater amounts. As they get better at feeding, it gets easier, but there’s no shame in using formula as a support for your milk. The goal is to keep the baby alive.

Once you’re both used to it, you can even nap pretty well while you feed, especially once you’re in bed. Just make sure there’s absolutely no risk of dropping or rolling on top of the baby.

Your Baby:

Here’s the good part. Babies are awesome! They’re cute, they’re fun, and they’re deeply entertaining to mess with. Make sure you have a basket of toys for your baby, and let the good times roll, even when things are hard. They’ll only be this small once, The tiny baby clothes feel too small until you put them on. I’m keeping all of mine. I don’t know what I’ll use them for, but they’re too cute to get rid of.

[ass-sassafras]

If you're ND to a fairly great degree, as in, it affects your daily life and your interactions with NTs a lot, and you find yourself adjusting your behavior all the time to make yourself less annoying, less needy, more "normal"... you may want to think long and hard before you decide to have kids.

I'd say if you find a partner who is either ND (and knows it) or believes you are and that it's not something you can control, the two of you can raise kids successfully, and you'll be able to help them if they turn out ND as well.

However, I wanted to share my experience as a single mom who used to be married to a neurotypical who didn't care to try understanding me at all. My RSD was through the roof every day for years.

You know that feeling when you've been at work all day with people talking to you and needing you to help them, then driving home in traffic that you have to focus on or you'll die? And the only thing keeping you from melting down is knowing when you get home, you can turn your brain off and relax? That doesn't happen with young kids and a husband who doesn't care about your emotional well-being. Every single day is full of things that make you want to claw your skin off, or run away, or put your hands over your ears and cry. No one understands, and your partner was raised by an emotionally unavailable mom, so it's your job to be super mom and not ever get impatient or need a break.

And don't get me started on being ND and ace. Just after you get the kids to bed, think now you'll get to lay down in bed and have some quiet time, then get some sleep because you're drained in every way? Nope, it's your job to fuck your spouse and listen to them tell you all the things you need to work on because you have issues and you're the problem. He's just being helpful, he wouldn't brainstorm ways you can improve yourself if he didn't care.

[deathlygristly]

Something I am curious about: why are some people so afraid of marriage?

I see it often on here in the notes on various posts, most recently on a post about fundamentalist group members making videos about getting married and having lots of kids young.

Like yeah, cults are bad, misogyny is bad, etc. But most people don't stop at just saying that and they go on to say that they're terrified of getting married themselves.

The spousal person and I were 21 when we got married, and we've been married for over 21 years now. We never wanted kids so we didn't have them. That's a choice you can make if you have autonomy and birth control is available to you.

I don't know, it just confuses me because being married isn't scary at all. It's awesome. I get to hang out with my favorite person all the time and I can ask him for help when I have a problem and I can hug him when I have a bad day and all that. He can drive me to the hospital and stay with me when I'm really sick. He makes dinner. He cleans the litterboxes. He does the dishes. He is warm and cuddly and he laughs at funny things and he's so cute when he talks about the kpop he likes. There's nothing scary at all about him or living with him.

I don't know. Maybe it's misplaced fear of something else? Like people are scared they'll pick a bad spouse who will hurt them, or they don't have access to birth control, or they grew up in an extremely misogynistic culture and they aren't allowed to pick their spousal person of their own free will? Or they don't feel like they can still do anything they want to do after they get married? But that goes with picking a bad partner maybe, because you can do whatever you want forever even after you're legally married. You just have to pick someone who is compatible with you and who wants the same things and/or can work out a system with you where you both can do whatever you want.

And of course you don't have to get married at all if you don't want, but why would people who don't want to get married be afraid of it? I don't want to go to the club so I don't go to the club, and I feel no fear of going to the club because I know I won't go to the club. If you know you don't want to get married why would you be afraid of something you'll never do?

It's just weird and confusing about how loudly performative people are about it. Do it if you want and don't do it if you don't want. Why be so loudly afraid of it or so judgy of people who make different choices than you do?

I don't know, like the spousal person says we're both somewhere on the spectrum, so maybe I don't get it because I'm not neurotypical? Plus the thing where I didn't grow up around religion and my mother always told me that I could come home if a man ever hit me, because her first husband was abusive. She's told me "That's just what you did back then" about her first husband and my two half-brothers that she had at 19 and 21.

So I guess not being neurotypical plus also growing up with a lot more freedom and autonomy than most people do?

I don't know. I think my mother is why I've never understood black and white absolutist thinking, because I grew up having to reconcile someone who once tried to choke me because I didn't want to practice for the spelling bee being the same person who encouraged me to do whatever I wanted to do.

[eternally--mortal]

Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. I heard the name for the first time a few days ago. It’s also called “Cassandra Syndrome.”

I’ve been doing some research into it — nothing extensive — but there’s a detail I find consistently in these articles that I feel the need to set straight.

OTRS, according to the articles, presents in relationships where a Neurotypical person is married to a Neurodivergent person — relationships where the ND spouse fails to empathize with and respect the perspective of the NT spouse. It’s a little more complicated than that, but the gist is that All Neurodivergent people are being painted as potential abusers.

What these articles fail to acknowledge is that they are not talking about Autism, but Alexithymia. About 50% of Autistic people also present signs of Alexithymia (“no words for emotions” or difficulty processing emotions). The articles also fail to acknowledge that a person can be Alexithymic without being Autistic.

So Cassandra Syndrome is being portrayed as an NT/ND problem, but it’s actually more complicated than that.

I’m Autistc. I’m ADHD. I shwaffle sometimes between thinking I’m Alexithymic and thinking I’m not. But I do have a sibling who is very much Autistic and very much Alexithymic.

We’re both neurodivergent, but based on the descriptions of the symptoms of OTRS, I am confident that I have been living with it all my life.

I just think it’s a little funny. “Cassandra Syndrome” is named after the Trojan woman Cassandra who rejected Apollo’s advances. He cursed her so that she would have the gift of prophecy, but no one would ever believe her. She predicted the fall of Troy, but her own people refused to listen. “Cassandra Syndrome” is named this way to reflect the helplessness of NT partners who are not believed when they express that the source of their depression is from a partner who cannot empathize with them, who seems incapable of apologizing or accepting fault, who struggles to see outside of their own perspective, etc.

I just think it’s funny, because if “Cassandra Syndrome” is used to represent NT people, what about all of the ND people struggling in similar relationships? Or the ND people who are considered problematic partners just for being ND, even though they’re not Alexithymic? What about how the name implies that Alexithymic people represent the ‘Apollo’ side of the story?

If you’re a neurodivergent person struggling as a result of OTRS, know that you are not alone. Know that your experience is valid. If you have a non-Autistic partner with Alexithymia and you are struggling from OTRS, know that you are not alone. Know that your experience is valid. The articles don’t mention all of us. That doesn’t mean we don’t exist.

For all of the ND people who have been or will be accused of causing OTRS in a relationship simply because you are Autistic, know that you are not alone. We do not lack empathy. We have full, emotional lives. You are valued. You are not alone.

[vizthedatum]

CW: narcissism and ableism

Many of my loved ones are neurodivergent, queer, and/or been traumatized. Many of us are chronically ill.

I want people to know that my healing journey (while not linear and contains a full spectrum of emotion) has only been possible because I am finally tackling my childhood trauma AND accepting that narcissism is a real thing. My mom is one. My dad is likely one. My ex-spouse is one. Understanding narcissism is THE KEY for me to finally start having healthier relationships.

A lot of people in my life and on the internet have lashed out at me by saying that I'm being ableist since narcissism is on the neurodivergence spectrum.

However, I think there is more nuance to this - we ALL have toxic tendencies whether we are diagnosed/undiagnosed or neurodivergent/neurotypical. It matters what we do with those tendencies.

I wrote a serious post today outing both of my ex-partners from 2022 (ex-spouse (abusive) and ex-partner (too negligent to actually be abusive to me but likely an emotional vampire (I'm glad I cut them off when I did)) - both of who are also autistic) as narcissists:

https://www.tumblr.com/.../i-am-so-serious-about-this...

Separately, my ex-gf's legally married husband is a straight-up abuser and uses his autism as an excuse to prey and psychologically control people. He is not safe. He is a 42-year old man who preys on feminine people and thinks he's "always right." He has clout in the community, and he's a fucking asshole. He violated my boundaries earlier this year... which led me to break up with my ex-gf, and I'm really upset about it all. He has MOST DEFINITELY abused her, and I think it's horrible that people aren't talking about it. He repeatedly abused a chronically ill autistic non-binary woman who has been through so much trauma. I do not care if she gets mad at this since we aren't even talking anymore. (Yes, I'm aware that the queer community in Pittsburgh is a fucking nightmare)

Why do we keep giving people chance after chance after chance WHEN THEY ARE COMPLACENT IN THEIR LACK OF CHANGE. When someone doesn't want to change and continue imposing harm... then it becomes a problem.

I have witnessed too much harm to people I care about and to myself not to say anything. And to defend myself from people calling me ableist.

I do not care if I lose friends over this. We have all been hurt and made mistakes that have hurt people - it matters to me if you've tried to grow from it or not.

(And (this doesn't need to be said but oh well) I am in therapy and I'm more stable than I have ever been)

[gnosisjournal3]

The Kybalion: The Universe Is Mental Paperback

Provides confidential and non-judgmental assist and services to Concordia   University students, employees and college of all genders and orientations who have been affected by sexual violence and/or harassment. We demand the suspension of courses 수원셔츠룸추천 at present held by the professor in question and transparency from the division and administration concerning any investigation.

And why do some of our most celebrated fashionable philosophers use aphoristic fragments to convey their deepest ideas? In A Theory of the Aphorism, Andrew Hui crisscrosses histories and cultures to reply these questions and extra. Tania Alphonsa George is a younger poet from Kerala, India who has a deep passion for literature.

These sections present a useful body to situate Gathercole’s main analysis but also serve as a place to begin to review the status of these topics. At the same time, we recognize that this problem isn't confined to our division. To correctly take care of these points, systematic and structural change in Concordia’s administration is required. In the meantime, we name on faculty in every department to inform themselves via obtainable avenues such because the Sexual Assault Resource Centre or the Gender Advocacy Centre. The GPSA can be working to carry the department answerable for the protection and well-being of its college students. We demand that the school receive training on handling students’ claims of sexual harassment and assault.

It is Arati who triumphs by renouncing her safe cocoon in the private agency, by standing up for Edith as umpteen humiliations shatter her. Her iron-willed confrontation with the boss and eventual resignation is the true instance of empowerment coupled with no-holds-barred solidarity, extremely attuned to the ‘Me Too’ era. The final scene between the husband and spouse is ruminative of the way the big metropolis creates alternatives and at the same time overwhelms two trustworthy, simple individuals who have lost their bearings but not their collective integrity. It is now as a lot as them to stand collectively, redeeming the person within the equation, and declare their shares. Practical, life affirming, and perched on precarious beginnings for this middle-class ethos, illustrative of 1,000,000 extra throughout eras and locations, Mahanagar is an excellent examine of urban livelihoods and the role each plays in upholding a lucid image of unifying temperaments amid daily pressures.

He addresses her with the normal Bengali time period of endearment ‘Bouma’ (a conjunction of daughter-in-law +mother) implying that the function of a mom is supreme for female figures. He makes peace with Aarti’s last determination by observing silence as an act of opposition foremost directed towards his son who he feels has fallen wanting fulfilling his obligations and it gets worse when the man loses his job. Our website supplies resources and knowledge for students and specialists of historical esoteric thought, historical past, and literature. Abstract The author Robert Anton Wilson (1932–2007) played a significant mental position in the American counterculture in the late Nineteen Seventies, Nineteen Eighties, and Nineteen Nineties. Trilogy, written with Robert Shea, Wilson wove anarchist, psychedelic, and occult themes into a prophetic conspiracy fiction written with a satiric and willfully pulp sensibility.

For every trial, we marked the body quantity in which the screen not impeded the participant’s eye line (i.e., the dowel was inside view) and the next body quantity in which the participant’s hand initiated the reaching motion. Reaction time was calculated as the distinction between the 2 marked body numbers divided by the body price (59.ninety four frames per second). Work in neurotypical adults demonstrates that the primary focus of one’s consideration during a motor task impacts efficiency and studying (Wulf, Höß, & Prinz, 1998). Studies of attentional focus persistently reveal efficiency and learning advantages when one attends to the task-relevant exterior results of intended motion, described because the external focus of consideration (e.g., place the purple end of a dowel right into a purple target).

In his introduction, Mitch explains how he came to grasp The Kybalion as an authentic retention of esoteric Egyptian ideas-and how the insights of the ancients can remake your life and search at present. Yes, Mitch answers-but, as with all things Hermetic, the answer is never quite as easy as it appears. Book critiques are conventionally meant to be objective, however I feel a way of delight and pleasure in sharing her worldview with different discerning readers-writers.

We used a 4 group (CON-R, CON-L, RHD, LHD) X 2 optimum grasp posture (overhand, underhand) repeated measures ANOVA with group because the between-subjects issue and the optimal grasp situation as the repeated measures issue to assess for group variations in performance with external focus instruction. Studies in neurotypical youthful adults persistently point out that individuals choose an preliminary grasp to make sure ESC at the end of task accomplishment (Rosenbaum et al., 1990). Contrary to our expectations, control individuals within the present examine sometimes selected an preliminary grasp to ensure ESC, significantly for trials that required an underhand grasp. However, they conformed to ESC conduct for trials that required an overhand grasp. ESC habits in stroke groups was not significantly different from age-matched controls.

In all of my work, my objective is to develop students into accountable and engaged citizens who perceive how to leverage their training and private experiences of their professional pursuits.I acquired my PhD from Rice University, M.T.S. from Vanderbilt Divinity School, and B.A. Go with Professor DeConick on a textual dig, as she brings to life Gnostic ritual practices from historical sources. She considers whether ancient Gnostic initiation and its ritual therapies may characterize our earliest form of psychotherapy. The variety of Gnostic myths and accounts of their actions concentrate on the origin of the human soul or psyche, the method it came to be broken, and how therapeutic can take place inside the context of non secular initiation. All kinematic place information recorded using the electromagnetic motion-tracking system were captured at 200 Hz and filtered utilizing a zero-phase lag, low-pass fourth-order Butterworth filter with a ten Hz cutoff frequency (Kantak, Zahedi, & McGrath, 2016; Winter, 2004).

[yuna-writes]

The future

Recently, I re-download dating apps even though part of me still hates it lol. It’s like I don’t have much options to meet new people these days instead of being online. And meeting with co-workers in the office is not an ideal place to find a partner. Number one rule in the workplace, never sleep with your co-workers. It’s just asking for trouble. I think it’s fine to date a co-worker who worked in your past jobs, but not the one you are currently working in. Never know when that particular co-worker ends up being your boss. Or you get promoted to become their boss.

I feel like once I find a potential partner I’m going to have to spill the beans that I have a condition and I’m unsure how this person is going to react to it. The conversation is going to go into possibly having kids if the relationship works out. I thought about this, and I honestly like the idea of having a kid, but I know myself to the point that I’m not exactly ‘parenting’ material. I saw this autistic mom who had her first child, but the baby’s constant crying made her feel anxious and stressed which worsen her autism. So she developed post partum depression, and then shortly after divorced her spouse. For neurotypical parents, they can feel stressed too, but I feel like they start to adjust and adapt to changes in their lives for their kid. With an autistic parent, they already have certain routines they feel comfortable with, and the want predictability. When that gets disrupted, I hear many have challenges adapting to the change. 

The situation is rather complex because personally for me, I’m not a very high and energetic person. I’m very introverted. And well, being a parent is constantly exerting your energy outwardly to your kid. You have to pay a lot of attention to them and I have a problem with attention. I notice I dissociate often, and this had caused me some issues in focusing on daily tasks. Not to the point where I can’t complete them, but it takes me longer to focus. It’s not ideal for parenting though, because a parent always need to keep an eye out for their kid and also multitask around the house and take care of the kid quickly. I don’t think I would make a good parent in that sense but I would just be a good teacher. Parenting is stressful for most people, but it would be more stressful for an autistic person. 

I know people may think ‘nobody is perfect’ and my reasoning doesn’t seem to make sense. Maybe it doesn’t. I’m not even sure if my autism is caused by generational trauma because I didn’t really grow up with loving parents either. They had unresolved personal trauma they’ve dealt with and it also impacted me as an adult. If that’s the case, then statistically, there’s also a higher chance I might pass down this generational trauma to my kid for not being able to function like a normal parent. Perhaps, the biggest form of love is to not continue passing them down to your kids where they grow up into adults with unresolved trauma. Especially if my kid also becomes autistic. 

Therefore, I kind of concluded I may have a partner but we never have kids. Nowadays, I see young people choosing not to have kids for other reasons such they want to party more, drink more, and just have a fun time. Funny enough, the older generation would call them selfish. I bet they would see me that way too, but they don’t know what my reasonings really are. It’s stemming from introspection and observation from myself, and realized I shouldn’t have kids. If I was neurotypical, then the answer would most likely be I would have kids. 

[loganofthenorth]

Hey guys!

Are you LGBTQ+ or Neurodivergent?

Of course you are, you’re using Tumblr

If you’re not part of these groups, however, read this anyways because my target audience is basically Tumblr

Do you like simple, cliche plots like saving the world from an evil God that are fleshed out by complicated characters and world building?

Do you like lonely people finding each other and forming strong bonds?

How about complicated conversations about everything from your favourite colour, to healthy relationships, to the meaning of life?

Well then, I have the book for you!

It’s the first in a series, actually.

A series I am writing called The Chaotic Chronicles of Calasmic.

The first book is called Time for her Prime, and it’s about a disabled woman named Margaret who lives in a retirement home and her slightly mentally unstable volunteer worker Jean. They are both very familiar with loneliness, and they form a strong friendship with each other.

One day, Margaret gets a letter from her missing spouse, Mortimer, explaining that they have been in a realm of magic called Calasmic, trying to solve a problem that could cause the destruction of both words. Not wanting to be left behind, Jean accompanies Margaret to the magical world of Calasmic, where the Elven pirates and transphobic wizards that existed in Margaret’s stories of the realm are the least of her problems.

The book discusses co dependency, independence, communication, consent, disability, chronic illness, and more

It also has a lot of comedy, fluff, and some romance (Romance becomes a bigger theme in the second book)

As well as mental breakdowns, manipulation, and a Demi god who flirts with people they want to murder but can’t because it’d be a shame to get blood on their roses… Oh and also because their boss said they can’t, that too.

It’s a book I love, and I’m sure I’ll write plenty of fan fictions about it

Yes fan fictions about my own book

And I’m really hoping to build a fandom for it so I can make friends with people that enjoy this world and it’s characters as much as I do!

It also has a lot of representation. The only straight white cis allosexual neurotypical man I can think of that exists in the story is dead before the story even takes place

The main protagonist is a plus sized woman of colour in a wheelchair and the secondary protagonist is a tall girl with ADHD and undiagnosed mental illnesses and mental disabilities as well as an undiagnosed chronic illness.

Two of the supporting characters are gay and pan and they have a love story over the first three books and one of them is Autistic

The story is character driven and I will happily gush about it

Anywho you can get it on Amazon (I don’t like supporting Jeffery Bezos anymore than the next person but unfortunately this was the easiest way I knew to independently publish it) here’s the link!

https://www.amazon.ca/Time-Prime-Chaotic-Chronicles-Calasmic-ebook/dp/B0BBQ8DXPG/ref=sr_1_1?crid=39E7C9SCWJWGT&keywords=Tasha+Johnston&qid=1661702233&sprefix=tasha+johnston%2Caps%2C121&sr=8-1

I really hope you enjoy it if you read it!

[voyageviolet]

I asked people one question: Who are you?

Almost unilaterally, non-autistic people began describing themselves in terms of their relationships to others– if they were a parent, a spouse, what their career was, where they lived, what their religion is, and what their roles were related to others (sister to a Senator, military brat, pastor’s wife, soccer mom, etc.).

And, almost unilaterally, autistic people described themselves as what they loved to do, what their values were, and what they had experienced. Many even said this, having intuited the basis of the theory. Among the answers were, “I am a verb,” or “I am what I love,” or “Who I am is what I do.” Autistics would answer, “Lover of Justice,” or “Dreamer,” or “One who values autonomy.” Some would describe themselves as a “lover of” or “obsessed with” an intense passion, like trains, lichen and fungi, or theoretical physics and black holes.

Of course, there were a few outliers from both neurotypes.

It’s also worth noting that many, many autistic people just answered, “I’m who I am,” “I’m me,” or “I don’t know who I am.”

I have theories about why many autistic people struggle to put words to who they are. Some of that could be that they do not experience identity the same way that the world describes identity, and so they struggle to understand themselves within the neurotypical context. Others may have been shamed and over-therapized and gaslighted to the extent that they have never had permission to explore their passions and truly meet their authentic selves.

...Many autistics who loved their identity communities– professional, religious, racial, LGBTQ+, etc.–were shunned from them for not being a “team player” or for “causing division.” Autistic people don’t see relatedness or find their identity as a player in a team sport.

Being primarily a person whose identity is more value-centered and experientially-driven frees an autistic person up to make decisions based on research, prior experience, and the net value of contribution to the Greater Good.

The Identity Theory of Autism explains why autistic people empathize by relating their closest lived experience or by challenging someone to reframe their perception because the autistic person assumes others also want to conceive of themselves and their relationships as being established on common values rather than on common social identities.

Autistic people may air their grievances with problems within an identity to which they belong, setting the stage for the other person to confirm if they share the same values. For example, a Christian autistic may express their discontent at the church’s focus on prosperity and financial “blessings” as being a reflection of greed or of contributing to morality being associated with financial privilege.

Non-autistic people are likely to communicate by indicating invisible identities to which they belong, setting the stage for the other person to confirm whether or not they belong to that collective identity. For example, a non-autistic Christian may insert clues into their communication that indicates their social identity. They may use the word “blessed” or mention prayer to indicate they are Christian, too.

- The Identity Theory of Autism: How Autistic Identity Is Experienced Differently

[icaruskeyartist]

I think people maybe misunderstood your post or maybe I did but I assumed you were specifically talking about physically disabled ppl who imply we don’t face similar issues in the context of minimising our issues & I thought your pastor comment made that fairly obvious like yes it’s p. Fucking obvious we face different issues but like I said in my post it’s more so we face similar problems but for entirely different reasons. It’s interesting to me that they seem to not realise there are physical effects to mental illnesses that do in fact prevent me from being able to go out and whilst it’s not the same as having no wheelchair ramp my sensory issues absolutely do make many places inaccessible so I do know what it’s like to want to go somewhere and then have to leave because it’s just not accessible I literally had that issue today. Like fuck I’ve had sensory overload just trying to get my groceries and had a full on breakdown in the store. I have such bad anxiety at the moment that getting on public transport is inaccessible, going out on my own is inaccessible going out to most places are inaccessible and whilst it’s inaccessible due to different reasons than physically disabled people it doesn’t make it any less inaccessible - I don’t disagree with the fundamental statement that we have different issues because no shit we do but I also want to make sure people aren’t erasing the physical aspects many mentally ill people do face and/or minimise them. I also thought the therapy point was a little funny because it’s SO much easier to get access to therapy as a physically disabled person because you only need your GP to refer you I had to jump through a ton of hoops and then when you’re finally accepted you could be looking at long waiting lists of up to a year in some areas of the UK. When I got diagnosed with a gastrointestinal issue the specialist I saw said if it caused me pain he could refer me to a group therapy thing for pain management it focuses mostly on mindfulness techniques iirc from what my mum did although she didn’t stick out the entire thing. Like I could’ve been referred just like that bam done. Also it’s the ignorance of assuming therapy is any more accessible for the mentally ill because even if they aren’t in the UK it’s not like its anymore accessible in the US given it’s all going to likely be out of pocket for most people.

Sorry for this super long message I just had to go off cos I’m not really here for ignorance on mental illness and if you’re genuinely coming from the same place as I am where you are accepting that we do face different issues (although arguably some crossover in our experiences) but rather that you’re pissed when people use it in a way to dismiss or minimise our struggles compared to that of physically disabled people.

We're coming from the same place. We face different issues, but there's a lot of similarities and it benefits everyone (even able bodied, neurotypical people!) if we can make things more accessible for the medically disabled, be it physical or mental.

I also have accessibility issues. The biggest one being that now that I live in a city, if I take transit, I have to know where bathrooms are or else I'm fucked. I wear headphones when on my own, and I hate going out without them. My mom used to tell me I wouldn't make friends that way.

But like, why am I making friends in the bread aisle at Walmart Mom?

and I don't think it's fair for anyone to have their pain diminished. I only framed it the way I did because I still struggle with my own physical limitations. My spouse validated my disability though, saying they'd never want to switch their bum knee for my problems lol. I adore them.

[performing-personhood]

Ok well I've lost all track of how on earth I'm supposed to figure out what my needs are and then also find creative ways of meeting them, while also holding down an all-consuming job, which is preferable to all the other ones but is still just a clerical coordination job where I'm busy and Peopling all day

In the same building as my neurotypical spouse who works a wildly different role in a completely different department at the school, has no problems meeting his own needs, adores his job and workplace, and told me both of the following conflicting statements in the last calendar week:

[In regards to talking about work, on Monday] "I tell you all this stuff and I feel like all I get from you is silence 🥺"

[In regards to staying late for the school's Open House, on Thursday] "Okay well I have to do it too so quit your bitching about it." (I said like two things, to a man who narrates his inner monologue at the end of every day in such impenetrable paragraphs that i have actually timed him before. The record is 40 minutes.)

I am pretty sure that life as an audhder is just an extremely long exercise in not dissolving, and swimming upstream against The Despair.

[mastermatoyas]

Anyway I think my life is so much better in a lot of ways than it was previously, but like. Really the core of my insecurity hasn't gone away, which is that having the things I want in life - a good job, a loving spouse + kids - all rely on something completely out of my control.

If you want to get a job, the interviewers not only have to think you're an acceptable candidate, but you have to be the candidate they choose *over any other applicant.*

Want to get married, you have to find a romantic partner who will choose you over any other person.

I don't think I'm a terrible person, but no matter how much I work on improving myself, I will always be competing with other people and that is terrifying to me. Sure, I may have a lot to offer, but there's always going to be someone better out there - and normally that wouldn't be a problem except that so many things in life are inaccessible unless you are a) the best person for the role or b) decent enough at bullshitting (ehich I am not).

Want to find a romantic partner? Well, yeah, I can be sweet, funny, witty, but there are people out there who are all of those things plus being hot, successful and not profoundly mentally ill. Want to get a job? Well, I'm smart and honest and I can work really efficiently under the right circumstances, but there are people out there who are also resilient and experienced and uhhh neurotypical.

And I hate that so much advice on building up self-confidence is all like "don't compare yourself to others!" When it's like. Well. That's great advice when you have the option of being self-reliant, but that's not the world we live in, is it? It's not enough to be *good*, I have to be *better than everyone else*, and I never will be.

And you know, maybe I could come to terms with the fact that I probably won't be able to marry and have kids, but the fact that I'm running into essentially the same problem in my working life is honestly fucking with me so much. Like, I have to get up every day and work for approval I will never receive, on a contract that may or may not be renewed, so I can earn a salary that can't keep up with the cost of living, and this is just going to keep going and going until I get old and my family and friends all die and then I die, too, either still working or in a shitty nursing home. Unless I lose my job and move back in with my parents and they pretend to not be disappointed in me.

I just... like again, it's not that my life is so bad right now, but I just can't see any version of the future that isn't terrifying and lonely. And I'm scared, and resentful that the many good things I have right now can't be enough because I know that unless I can be better than other people, I'm going to slowly start rotting from the inside. I think I already am.

[artificialenvy]

CALLOUT POST

@currynahh / @currynya is a shitty person.

I am making this post because I refuse to let them throw around accusations that I'm a predator.

Reasons I believe they are shitty:

I have ADHD, but I'll try not to derail any points.

After not seeing my spouse since Highschool, they invited them to a discord server. I was brought along and given a "+1" role, as in "This person isn't one of us, just @twiranux 's +1. I wouldn't have had a problem with that if it didn't create and "In group" and "out group" where the people in the ingroup treated the +1 role as "not a friend, just a +1."

They have a room for venting in that server, as a lot of people do. I have seen people typing in there on three occasions and decided not to interrupt them for my own needs, however the time I got to start typing in there and posted a couple of messages to indicate I would be typing, someone else came in and made it about them. I doubt they meant harm by that, but I went to @currynahh and explained it hurt to be silenced like that. I wasn't looking for an apology, I was looking for a solution so other people don't get hurt. My proposed suggestion was a second vent room for if there were 2 people needing it at once on that large a server, it would be helpful, or atleast a rule about interrupting vulnerable people. They dismissed this saying "two rooms wouldn't help because what if there were THREE people" which, if there were three people at the same time one would still have to wait, but the line would be split in half and people would be able to use it if it was an emergency and the first space was already taken without interrupting.

When they dismissed this idea, I said (and I dont have the exact quote as I left the channel, something @currynahh is very particular about is exact phrasing.) "If there's no rule against interrupting I guess next time I'm in need to type and someone is already using the safe space, I'll just be That Dickhead[TM] and interrupt? Can't wait." to which they threatened me with a ban, assuming I meant I was going to actively hurt people instead of just pointing out that there being no rule meant ANYONE could be That Dickhead[TM]

I also pointed out the inconsistency of threatening me with a ban for saying I'd do what the other user actually did and cut someone off. (they never spoke to the person who interrupted me about the event, to my knowledge, and I never spoke to them or saw their name) so I referred to them as "the fucker who interrupted me." Not in a mean way, just.. Here people can be called fuckers, like calling kids brats. I apologized once they said they found that rude, but they kept bringing it up saying I was name calling.

This is Hearsay, but apparently they said the person probably interrupted me because of ADHD, they seem a bit too comfortable deciding what is a factor of someone's else disabilities without consulting them.

Them dismissing my problems and threatening me with a ban instead of trying to fix their server made me actually go to name calling, and I still feel it's fair to call them a heartless cunt. Heartless for pretending to care when really they just wanted to defend someone in the in-group, Cunt cause it's a great word and it fits. I know the word Cunt is seen more harshly in some places, again, so much here. They really take offense to regional and class based dialects. They went to a private school and were calling me mean for just calling a dude I had no name for as "a fucker" when to me, someone who's poor and went to public school in a shitty town in Ontario, it's the norm here.

Since they showed they really didn't care I told them they were fake and left their channel, my spouse chose to follow me which I didnt know about at the time.

They DMed my spouse with another person who hasn't spoken to my spouse or I in 6 years to call me toxic, abusive and a predator. My spouse said they wouldn't have that conversation without me, as its childish and unproductive to just talk behind peoples backs. When @currynahh kicked me out of the group chat, refusing to talk like adults, my spouse asked me to log into their account to participate since they didn't want to be cornered by these two people to talk shit about someone they care about.

They call me toxic and abusive because I vaguely know the passwords to @twiranux 's accounts, despite never logging in unless asked to (for example a daily event in a videogame that they won't be able to make in time but wants the rewards.) and because on one occasion while I was napping, my spouse forgot an agreement we made about watching a specific movie together and I was upset about that, as I'm sure most people would be if their partner agreed to not watch something without them. I tried to keep my cool and just stay out of the way of their enjoyment, but my spouse wanted me to join in atleast for the end so I did, still grumpy but trying to make the best of it. If they had waited an hour or chose a different movie, things would've been different but @currynahh doesn't want "excuses."

They call me a predator because the person I'm married to is 2 years younger than me. @twiranux and I have been together almost 9 years now, we started Long Distance Online Dating just playing minecraft, listening to owl city (our song's Honey and The Bee 🐝,) and making Garry's Mod youtube videos. We would've been about 13 and 15 at the time, though it is worth noting that our birthdays were less than a month away from when we started dating so 14 and 16 if you want to make that distinction, I was in class with people the same age as my spouse. They think the age is gross, but we were two neurodivergent kids who were extremely sheltered at the time (helicopter parents/physical disabilities) who could only have freedom online. We had met through liking the same movies and youtubers and knew eachother a year before, while I was asking for advice on asking someone else out, my now spouse confessed attraction to me and I suggested we try "dating" for a bit, which consisted of nothing new except drawing cute pictures and giving eachother nicknames. I dont know if I knew their age at the time, but I did think they were a boy which didn't change anything, just hopefully shows I wasn't some 30 year old neckbeard hunting for kids on the net, I was just a disabled kid who was caught off guard by a confession of attraction and rolled with it.

@currynahh says they have proof that we weren't innocent in highschool, as (they claim) we asked them to write nsfw fanfic about us, which.. we didn't? My spouse has no idea where thats coming from and neither do I so just a blatant lie. Not that it's anyone's business but my spouse and I didnt meet in person for about 4 years and anything physical took place after we were both legal adults, im not comfortable going into more detail.

After my spouse had me log onto their account to show they weren't going to be cornered by those two, I was allowed back into the group chat to try and figure out why they think im problematic, but @currynahh insists im just making excuses when I've just been saying exactly what im saying here. They say I'm sugarcoating it, I disagree. I dont have the exact words I said about everything, but admitting to calling her a Heartless Cunt isn't something I'd do if i were sugarcoating it as she suggests. This is how it played out they keep trying to shove me into this "abuser" box they framed me in without knowing me.

They would repeatedly spew paragraphs of "points" then block me and leave the group chat while I was typing up a response. They don't want excuses (read: explanations) and they don't care about facts (that they misunderstood certain things and was willing to clear up what I meant if they weren't so caught up on semantics.)

I will not go into my partners mental illnesses on this platform, but they have a psychiatrist who I've met and I have to (sometimes in a way that looks controlling to someone who doesn't know the problems) keep my spouse grounded. The Psychiatrist thought I was doing a great job at managing it, but @currynahh disagrees, saying I'm enabling (without even letting us tell them what the problem is or how im helping.)

Which brings us to the next point; they say I can't talk about the mental health of myself or my spouse because it will trigger them, meaning they block any attempt we make at explaining how it works. They treat us as a neurotypical couple and call it abusive when I'm literally just doing what's deemed best by a psychiatrist for my spouse.

For DARING to tell her to stop calling me a predator, she calls me a narcissist, which is just.. Very cool. Love me some armchair diagnosis. They also diagnosed me with anger issues (from one call in which I was grumpy and then me trying to defend myself from these accusations.) So really, I think docs are being paid too much 'cause @currynahh is doing their job for free.

Because they weren't listening to my spouse, my spouse decided to stop typing, especially since she was just going on long rants then leaving the server before we could reply. Whenever @twiranux gets a chance to speak, @currynahh would leave the server claiming it triggers their anxiety to face the consequences of what they said. Then they would tell me to quit speaking over @twiranux when I was just speaking on our behalf, while in a call with @twiranux due to these reasons.

Instead of keeping their nose out of our relationship like we were asking, they kept trying to tell my spouse (who chose to marry me and lives in another country) that im abusive because they think trusting eachother is a sign of abuse.

Instead of listening that we're fine, they throw a tantrum and tell us to go to marriage counseling (which, although I wouldn't be opposed to going, is very telling that they think people can just do things that require money on a whim.)

They say that "instead of saving up to move in together and have kids you should put money towards marriage counseling" which again, what savings do they think I have? My bank account has -$4.00 in it and my spouse can't work right now. We have nothing.

They keep bringing up kids and how would we raise them? Would they not have privacy? Its a stupid point they threw out there as currently there aren't plans to have kids and there's huuuge difference between a married couple knowing eachothers passwords and not letting your kids have privacy.

They keep bringing up the fact that we've lost friends before without knowing why. So if they want to private message me I'd be happy to tell her about how we left our last friend group after a dispute where the other people were claiming the N word was inoffensive. Or the group that actually was trying to get into my spouses pants and we weren't comfortable there. You keep making accusations then refusing to listen to facts.

Idk if I'm missing anything, if they unblock me and see this they will probably say I'm staw-manning again without actually telling me how and while having no counter arguments. They also don't accept my adhd for accidentally derailing, while using theirs to deflect any criticism.

Karina, you don't know us and you say even talking about our mental health will trigger you, so you need to accept that you're unwilling or unable to understand the dynamics of our relationship but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's toxic. I wouldn't have made this post if you didn't keep calling me a predator, but I need to clear that accusation publicly before you keep throwing around dangerous labels.

Grow up. Get some help. Learn that your POV isn't the only one.

[maddiviner]

Esoteric Empathy Rant

Probably a lot of you have seen @edhellenarn‘s post about esoteric empathy and the necessity of empaths staying in their own lane, so to speak.

I wanted to just make a separate post to add a bit of my own thoughts. Suffice to say, I agree with most of what the OP is saying, but there is more that can be said, as well, concerning the modern “empath” identity trend as it has developed over the years.

The main problem I have with a lot of folks who self-identify as empaths is, well... they seem to lack empathy, and will often minimize other people’s trauma and/or attempt to invalidate the perspectives and experiences of others. 

By “lack empathy,” I mean that they usually are very preoccupied by the alleged “suffering” their “gift” causes them, unwilling to listen to possible solutions, and generally turn things into a pity Olympics, especially on social media sites like Facebook.

I had one lady in a group go on at length about how her empathy was so strong that she couldn’t leave her house, even to take out the garbage, because the pain others caused her was so great, despite all the crystals she’d gotten to help her ground herself.

When I suggested maybe she should consider cognitive behavioral therapy in lieu (or in addition) to the crystals and try to get herself to a better place, she made a separate post implying that I was an “inauthentic” person and a “psychic vampire” trying to feed off of her by having the gall to suggest she might need someone to talk to like that.

It’s weird because I wasn’t sealioning or anything - I genuinely thought my comments might be helpful. I mean, I have certain empathic abilities myself and CBT really helped me cut through a lot of stuff in order to hone them and become a better friend to those I care about.

Oh yes, “psychic vampires,” the favorite topic of the empath world. That and “narcissists,” even though most of these people know fuck-all about psychology or what NPD even is. 

I was in one group on Facebook for a while, just for empaths, and almost every single post was someone going on about all the evil narcissists in their life.

Oh, their spouse is a narcissist! And it turns out their boss is, too, and the mailman, and oh, they need to buy six more crystals to counteract this horrible assault.

I never tried it, but I’m pretty sure if I’d brought up that NPD is an actual mental illness (not some magic energy suck woo thing, either), I’d have been banned and probably declared to be a narcissist/vampire myself.

That seems to be the favorite tactic of a lot of the more toxic in the New Age psychic/empath community - “Anyone who questions me is a narcissist and therefore evil.”

I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know that much about NPD, but I’m pretty damn sure a personality disorder doesn’t make someone a reprobate evil energy sucker or whatever. 

I mean, sure, if someone in your life is acting toxic, you can and shoot evade them, regardless of whether they have a mental illness or not but... c’mon. 

I don’t believe it when these folks claim every single person they disagree with, dislike, or interact with unfavorably is a “narcissist.” I mean, really, plenty of people with or without mental illness can be abusive; no reason to turn a personality disorder into some big bad woo bogeyman.

 If anyone reading this knows a bit more about NPD, I’d love to get a perspective on this, because, like I said, my experience with personality disorders is limited and I’m no psychologist.

And plus, the whole thing just reeks of “spectral evidence” in a witch trial.

It’s basically, “Some people are evil, but I can tell they’re evil and warn people! Even if nobody else knows!” It’s pretty easy for someone who’s set themselves up as psychic to target their enemies by claiming to “sense” something that nobody else can prove.

On that note, some of the most cringeworthy moments I’ve seen have involved the “empath” identity folks trying to talk about mental illness. As I said, they seem to see NPD (and sometimes, any personality disorder) as some kind of evil woo-woo thing. To me? That’s asinine, completely.

When it comes to mood disorders like I have, they tend to write them off as “misdiagnosed empathy.” In fact, a lot of sites and blogs around the internet (less so on Tumblr) will whine about the evils of psychiatry and how it’s just an attempt to suppress the magical empath gift.

The thing is, none of the people saying this seem to understand what (for example) bipolar disorder actually is. 

They seem to think it’s just moodiness or feeling sad sometimes. It’s kind of impossible to explain to them the realities of mania and depression because most people will never experience them.

And, if you use a bit of logic, you can easily see why (in most cases) bipolar disorder wouldn’t be “misdiagnosed empathy.” The mood states you see in bipolar are, by definition, neuroatypical.

They aren’t seen “in the wild,” in neurotypicals. It’d be impossible to experience a mania empathically from being around a bunch of regular people because regular people do not experience mania.

I guess that maybe if you’re an extremely strong empath and constantly around someone with bipolar, you might deal with blowback from their moods, but I doubt it because I don’t think most people’s neurology is even conducive to having those experiences. I’m no neurologist, though, and I could be wrong.

So yeah, I get tired of people telling me I just need to “ground, center, and shield” like a good lil empath, and how my meds are “dampening” my “gift.” I usually just change the subject whenever it comes up because it’s easier than explaining how mania and depression actually work.

I mean, if anything, those experiences seem to make me (might not be true for everyone) less able to read other’s emotions, because the low self-esteem that came with my depression just caused me to assume the whole world hated me.

So yeah. I think the “empath identified” community is in dire need of cleaning itself out a bit and reformulating how it approaches this kind of thing.

On Tumblr, there are many genuine people and many genuine empaths, and you barely see any of this kind of thing on here. Still, I’ve seen enough of it out in the world that I thought it was worth posting/ranting about.

At this point, I rarely dare even call myself an empath (even though I definitely have an esoteric empathy “thing” going on, particularly with animals) just because I don’t want to be associated with this.

That doesn’t mean the concept is irredeemable, though - there’s been a lot of good books written recently about empathy, managing and honing it.

I recommend almost all the works of Raven Digitalis on the subject (Everyday Empath and Esoteric Empathy), and, heck, a lot of “mundane” books on CBT and even DBT can help with improving your functioning and best using your gifts.

I hope this post isn’t too offensive to everyone - I just wanted to get this off my chest, since I’d been pondering it for a while.

[irisbleufic]

Big time hugs. FWIW, I also suffer from that kind of ideation a lot, and it frustrates me no end that it's very difficult to talk about to people who don't have it. Although I've never attempted, I've been very close several times. I wish I knew a good solution. For me, medication has saved my life. And though talking therapy has done me damage too, having a room where someone was being paid to listen kept me limping along at my lowest. But that might not help you. I'm here, tho. We can make it.

Most people who don’t have it automatically react with anger or dismay.  It’s as if most people can’t wrap their minds around sustained, worsening, regular ideation, as if they expect anyone whose problem were actually serious wouldn’t still be alive by now?  I don’t know.  I’ve been living with this particular feature of my cumulative neurotype/mental illness for 9 years, and recognizing that it’s gotten worse, not better, in spite of all the therapy and medication gambits?  Frightening.  I’ve had regular therapists (a sequence of them, granted, due to moving around a lot, or therapists moving, and having to find new ones) since 2012, and have been on some medication or another since 2009.  I’m in a gap right now, unmedicated since February, because I had to wean myself off one that made the ideation worse.  It’s the first time I’ve had that side effect.  The others I’ve been on have done next to nothing, not at any dose, or have made me feel constantly sick to my stomach while taking them.  One instance included being a zombie for most intents and purposes, but having my hearing cranked up to 11.  Every tiny, sudden sound made me jump while I was on one of these drugs.  I can’t even explain why I’m this difficult to medicate, above and beyond ASD.  Being autistic can account for traditional talking therapies not helping, but I haven’t heard about ASD thwarting the efficacy of certain drugs.  It’s the mutant problem again, because I don’t know what else to call it; if I have freakish resistance to painkillers, local anesthetics, and general anesthesia, then why not antidepressants?

I’m just…really tired of not talking about it because of the people who get angry and/or don’t believe it’s a real problem if it keeps happening and you survive it.  The issue is becoming how long I can actually survive it, and I can tell you that 9 years of this and a failed overdose smack in the middle of that period of time leaves me thinking I have no sure way of knowing I wouldn’t try again at some point.  The people I was living with, supposedly people who loved me, didn’t even know that’s what happened.  Anyway, those people (ex-spouse and ex-in-laws) showed their true colors in the end.  Any family that mistrusts mental health treatment as much as they did…I should’ve run, but I was trapped.

calicovirus said: this will seem really really trivial given the seriousness of the situation, but there is a link between being a ginger and having unusual reactions to painkillers so maybe look into that?

Oh, I should’ve clarified: I know the painkiller and anesthesia resistance is due to the fact I’m a ginger, but as for the resistance/weird reactions to antidepressants?  I don’t know if that correlates.  No data.  “Mutant problem” is my shorthand for the ginger-and-painkiller-resistant issue, but it’s also shorthand for every other whack-job feature of this body I have.