#none of this is related to why i need therapy btw

[nothing0fnothing]

It's shocking how pro-NPD you are. I love it.

So many blogs on narcissistic abuse tag there posts with NPD and are openly ableist against PwPD. I feel like the main issue, the actual problem of PwNPD with the term "Narcissistic abuse" is that at first, it's really hard to differentiate between people like you and ableist fuck heads. Sometimes I look at a post on n abuse, go oooh, I relate to this, open the blog, and it's like, some unhinged post about cluster B people being monsters. It's awful. And unfortunately a lot of people are like that

You're not tho!! And that's cool! I hope u have a nice day!!

Thank you so much it means so much to me when people appreciate my blog 💕

I have so much love for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (pwNPD) specifically. They deserve empathy and respect and the common curtesy from the people discussing narcissistic abuse to educate themselves before stigmatising their disorder.

The disorder itself has strong evidence for an environmental factor and weaker evidence for a genetic one. Meaning that as far as scientists have observed, people who carry the gene for NPD will not develop it unless it is environmentally triggered. What's the environmental trigger for NPD? You guessed it, childhood abuse. It's why as a blog with a focus on support and education about abuse and a childhood abuse survivor myself, pwNPD feeling safe and seen in this blog is so important to me.

Overwhelmingly people with NPD feel that to acsess trauma informed safe spaces online, they have to keep their disorder a secret. They have a disorder caused by trauma, and they have to chose between being supported in their disorder or being supported in their trauma. How fucked up is that?

So many online spaces I've accessed, even some headed by people who claim to be psychology or therapy "experts" are filled with unchallenged misinformation. Discussions that use "narcissist" and "NPD" interchangeably, or that paint narcissistic abusers are people with secret NPD, lurking in the corners to come and get us get us. Its incorrect and rooted in ignorance for sure, but it does so much harm in abuse recovery spaces too. How are people with trauma supposed to learn and heal if what they understand about their trauma is wrong? Who benefits if abuse survivors are just learning to be fearful of other mentally ill people instead of how to recover and grow?

I've even seen self identified "experts" on narcissistic abuse, claiming that people with NPD are beyond help and support, the point being to revoke sympathy away from the abusers who deserve none, but who is this narrative actually harming? Abusers or people with NPD? We can pretend that this misinformation doesn't jump out of online support spaces and into real life, but anybody with a cluster B disorder who has tried to find a therapist will tell you otherwise.

It's an unpopular opinion in narcissistic abuse survivor spaces, but people with cluster B disorders need to be in abuse survivor spaces. Yes even *gasp* people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and people with Antisocial Personality Disorder. Education about narcissistic abuse needs to include how it affects people with NPD. Discussions about trauma need to be open to people with stigmatised trauma disorders.

Thank you for reading this entire essay btw. It's so important to me on this blog that people coming here under this, and thank you so much for seeing that. I hope you have a nice day too. 💕

[sysmedsaresexist]

So, an interesting message was passed along to me and I'd like to talk about it

Thank you to the user for letting me post it <3

(none of this is at the user, btw)

I would like to think that when you typed this out, you realized how silly it sounded. I have so many questions, and I'm... Worried for people. This isn't the first time, by a long shot, that I've seen this kind of statement. I see it almost daily on my Twitter rounds. I see things that are so much worse, and things that are so much more subtle and insidious. This sentiment is so ingrained in the system community.

I'd like to first ask... What do people who think this way believe "disordered" looks like? Is it only the people in straightjackets and padded rooms? The people in hospitals? The people on disability, barely getting by? The people that are bed bound and have given up?

How do you think those people got there? Typically, it starts with what you've described.

Story time. Bear with me here.

When we ended up in the hospital the first time, we were working full time, engaged, paying rent and paying off debt in our own apartment. We were also unmedicated, exhausted, unhappy, and confused about why we were so... Broken. Why everyone could figure it out, but we couldn't. I loved my system, I would have already been dead without them.

That doesn't mean I didn't need any more help. Just because I was functioning, didn't mean I wasn't inherently dysfunctional. I was just as disordered then as I am now.

I saw the future, full of exhaustion and frustration, and I hated it. I would rather have just... Not. I'm lucky that I'm Canadian and that our health care system has better access and coverage. Not everyone has the same privilege that I have. So I checked myself in, got on medication, got therapy.

I had more energy, I was powering through life now, married, college loans paid off, saving to buy a house, I got a promotion and a raise, but the meds had the side effect of making my anxiety and OCD worse. I finally snapped. One of my alters had spent the night scrubbing at the same spot on the carpet that we had been scrubbing EVERY night for the last few week. The next day at work, I said to myself, "why am I taking this medication?" That was it, back to the hospital I went, checked in, re-evaluated, and on a new medication, and back in therapy.

Now I'm still tired, but not as tired, my anxiety and wildly fluctuating emotions are (mostly) under control. I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. I'm still functioning, and I'm still dysfunctional, and I'm still disordered. And that's not a bad thing, it's not my fault, it's not my doing, and it's not always related to being a system. It's fixable, it can get better. I can be better. My life can always be better.

In what world is what you're describing NOT dysfunction? In what world do you NOT deserve help and resources? Are you playing Disability Olympics with yourself? There are people worse off then you, so you must be doing pretty damn good? Is that as good as it's going to get for you? Are you way more functional than those miserable DID systems? Because on my meds, it sounds like I might be a bit more functional at this point than you.

People start off like you, saying that they're just fine, totally functional, couldn't possibly be disordered, and it wears and it tears and it beats you down until you become what you think dysfunction looks like. Meanwhile, you were always dysfunctional, and you were always deserving of help.

When did we, as a society, decide that miserably getting through life, day to day, WAS the functional norm? When did we decide that disorder is only for the worst of the worst types of dysfunction?

The DSM certainly never said that. It says that disorder doesn't always mean distress and dysfunction, but society decided they were synonymous. You saying you're not dysfunctional or disordered is like saying people don't deserve therapy unless they're suicidal. You know how you stop people from getting to that point? Early intervention.

We don't do this with other disorders (at least not to this extent). If someone is depressed, we believe them (usually). We don't call them functioning depressionists and say they're not disordered. When people with depression go on meds and get therapy, we don't call them cured and take their diagnosis away. Why is DID treated any different?

Why do we ignore that clinicians say that disordered doesn't look like anything? It looks like you and me and everyone else who needs a leg up to be on even ground with other people-- to compete in life to the best of our abilities.

Dysfunction will come and go, some days it'll be better, some worse, but disorder is forever, and it's a label that protects me for when things get real bad again. For when I decide I need more help and I'm struggling-- be it tomorrow, next year, ten years from now.

Please note: this post isn't to push anyone to get a diagnosis-- a diagnosis isn't required to get any kind of help, and there are many valid reasons why people might decide against getting a diagnosis. Whether someone is diagnosed or planning on getting diagnosed is none of your damn business. The point of this post is to talk about the stigma around relating to the diagnosis of DID/OSDD, and how dysfunction and distress might present in more subtle ways than we typically think.

It's about how being disordered, or considering yourself disordered, isn't a death sentence.

[charliespringverse]

iwbft – ghosted: a Bonus brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 91

· ouch/ow/owie: 5

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 4

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 4

She said Shrek and Fiona, and then told me she never wanted to be famous. — the double life thing babeyy

“Jimmy,” he heaves out, and I feel a stab of panic in my chest. — just hearing ur friend's name shouldn't be enough to trigger panic unless u already know something is Very Wrong . at which point i feel they should've pushed for further help instead of finishing out the tour

“We can’t leave Jimmy out.” Lister stands shirtless in the middle of the room and spins around on the spot. — fuck yeah trio tingz :')

It almost makes me laugh how polite and casual Rowan manages to sound, despite the fact that our best friend is missing. — IT'S A DEFENCE MECHANISM!!!!!

I only wonder how much of it is my fault. — none of it bb dw :( he is Not With It enough to be thinking abt anyone but himself rn

“But I can’t drive.” Rowan stares at me. “I thought you had lessons.” “I only had three lessons.” And then I got bored, or tired, or busy, or all three. — ... adhd lister btw

Why would he do this to us? To me? — i think jimmy's dependence on rowan is more reciprocated than he realises

If we weren’t in a famous band together, I’m not sure whether we’d still be friends now. — this rly hurts my feelings and it hurts more bc he isn't necessarily Wrong i don't think

“You do know I can play eight instruments, right?” “But not the drums, huh.” Rowan folds his arms. “You will never let me live that down.” — LISTERROWAN BESTIEISM BANTER BABEY

“But you think I’m an idiot who has nothing intelligent to say.” “I don’t think that.” “Yeah, you do. You’d much rather I was the one who was missing right now.” Rowan doesn’t respond. We both know I’m right. — WELL MAYBE BUT U DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT. I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.

“I wish you wouldn’t—” he begins but is cut off when his phone buzzes. — i hate that the phone gave him a get out from being open n sincere w lister :^(

“That’s a Southeastern Railway train,” says Lister instantly. “You can tell by the seat patterns.” — [freddie mercury voice] auuuuutism auuuuutism i want to ride my autism (note: this is summat @to-grill-a-mockingbird says and now i can never get it out of my head)

“He needs a night off.” "A night off from … what? His entire life?” Piero chuckles. “Yes.” — i mean ouch but also Yeah

“That was good news. He hasn’t been kidnapped. He just needed a nap.” “Can you not make a joke about this situation for like one fucking minute, Allister?” — could be the tism on my end but i didn't take this as a joke . jimmy needs a break, piero told them that, lister has seen enough to agree . (also: lister has Also contemplated running away so it makes sense he's less eager to bring jimmy back to ldn bc he doesn't see it as fixing the problem the same way rowan does)

Why do I always have to be the serious one? The worrier? Why can’t someone else do the worrying sometimes? — other ppl Do worry . but not so much that it becomes its own problem worthy of therapy

We save the deep chats for Jimmy. Jimmy doesn’t open up very often, but you know Jimmy will listen if you have something serious to say. — vs jimmy's wednesday narration 'we don't ever talk about deep stuff, me and lister bird' :((((

This whole bedroom is something out of twelve-year-old Lister’s wildest fantasies—it’s spacious and modern, with one floor-to-ceiling window, dark walls, LED lights behind the headboard, and a fifty-inch TV. — what u lack as a child you seek as an adult etc etc (space, material possessions, money)

Rowan’s room is always tidy. He puts away his clothes at the end of the day and makes his bed in the mornings. — always craving order & control :(

Rowan loves to criticize me about buying unnecessary things, but all I need to do is remind him of the velvet chaise longue in his bedroom that I’m pretty sure nobody has ever sat on. — comedy gold amidst the agony

He blinks at me. “You remembered my weird order?” — remembering ppl's orders is a love language

“Can I … ?” I shuffle on my feet. “Can we eat it in here?” — i hate that he's so uncertain n lacking in confidence while asking one of his best friends

I’ve always been deeply annoyed by what a high metabolism he has. I work out three times a week with a personal trainer just to stay toned. — rowan's fixation on body image makes me ✨nervous✨

“You were reading?” I ask, eyebrow raised. Lister narrows his eyes at me. “Wow, hilarious." — i stand by my 'lister loves to read but nobody ever assumes that or believes him bc their perception is skewed by him not gelling with academia' hc

“But don’t you see how that’s, like, still very fucked-up behavior, Rowan?” — GET HER JADE

And it’s scary that he thinks he’s completely fine. That this level of stress is normal. That he’s a functioning, well-adjusted human who is able to cope with being one of the most famous musicians in the world with absolutely no help or support whatsoever. — yeah :((

“You kissed him,” Rowan says. “So he decided to climb out of a window and run away.” “I mean, yeah, in summary.” — but no, realistically

Rowan wipes a tear from his eye. “Oh my God. So funny.” He’s properly pissing me off now. — give him a break roseph he's already mentally ill u don't have to embarrass him as well (/lh)

It’s a question I’ve asked myself every day for years. A question I’ve answered in daydreams, in nightmares, in conversations with myself in the shower. A question I still don’t know the answer to, and maybe never will. A question that doesn’t need an answer, now that I know for sure that Jimmy doesn’t like me back. — aaaaaagonyyyyy beyond power of speeeeeeech when the thing that u want is the only thing out of ur reach

“But … the circumstances of our relationship are so challenging. We live in very, very different worlds, and our lives are on very different trajectories. And sometimes I think relationships just can’t survive that.” — JUSTICE FOR LAIMONDI :(

Jimmy fell asleep almost immediately, a feat that would become less and less common as we all got older, but Lister and I couldn’t sleep because we were too busy watching funny YouTube videos on my phone, muffling laughs into our hands, trying not to wake anyone up. — BABY ARK MY CHILDREN

[sherlock-is-ace]

I made this post before about the trans episode of The Good Doctor but that was on season 1, I'm on season 4 now and there's another one! Like last time, I loved the ep, and I will give you context:

The episode 4x09, "Irresponsible Salad Bar Practices" (title unrelated to the patient btw) includes the case of Rio, a trans man with a brain tumor. He is an adult (unlike the trans character of the last ep), has been on T for a while and has had top surgery (the actor, a trans man himself has lovely top surgery scars, but i digress). He's also in a relationship with a cis gay man, that's important to know.

The episode starts with him doing a check up, where Dr. Reznik asks him for his gender and pronouns to update the hospital records cause "Software clearly needs a trans update." Ok, the important bit is that Rio need surgery to remove the tumor. The tumor has grown rapidly, they think because of high levels of hormones... Rio is pregnant.

This all is handled nicely and respectufl, not once he is missgendered, not once they assume any of the patients decisions because of his gender or his pregnancy. Except fo Shaun (surprise!). As always, because he's a stereotype of an autistic man, he asks very inappropriate and offensive questions that are none of his business and are not medically relevant. Just because he wants to understand.

This annoys me, but I can't really complain cause it's also what I like the most in these types of episodes. Shaun genuinely wants to learn and be better.

Anyways, he asks Rio's boyfriend, Eli, if he "considers himself gay" even though he "has vaginal intercourse". Eli answers with some restraint (I would have punched him, who the fuck cares, Eli isn't even your patient. But anyways...).

Later on in the episode, Shaun says the following line when talking to Eli (which saves the entire thing imo). "I read that cisgender people often reduce transgender people to their genitalie, and that that is offensive. Did I do that to you and Rio? I'm sorry."

EDIT: Sorry, I forgot to add the rest of my favorite line! Shaun says he's confused about Rio because he has gone through hormone replacement therapy, he has had top surgery but now "he's choosing the most female act" and Eli, very calmly responds "it's not female if Rio is doing it" which is exactly what I said to my mom one time when there was an interview on tv about a pregnant trans man. I love that line. Pregnancy is only a female act, when females do it. Anyways, Shaun looks taken a back for a second and just answers "yes" and then continues to talk about how Rio must have dealt with prejudice, and he relates to that.

This proves once again that Shaun wnats to learn, cares about learning, and he can do it on his own. He didn't harrass his trans patient with questions (at least after realizing he didn't like that). He went and did research on his own, realized his mistake and apologized. That's so important to me! Because none of his offensive remarks, on this episode or back to the one in season 1, none of those comments where from a place of hate. And I do want to bring up this point again, that his ignorance about trans issues has nothing to do with his autism. His bluntness and need of logical understanding have (because, again, he's a stereotypical cookie cutter autistic writen by allistic people). His ignorance has a lot to do with the fact that this man was homeless for a while, didn't have a supportive enviroment, i don't really know what his school life was like, but he lived in a small town, his "mentor" was his younger brother, who died when they were kids. It's not like he had many oportunities to open his mind to the wonders of the trans community you know?

Once again, not defending transphobia or justifying anything. Just sharing my humble opinion about the lowest rating episode of the whole show so far, according to IMDb (although that has everything to do with the reviews being like "this woke series, why do you talk about trans issues and racism? this is supposed ot be ESCAPISM not a documentary" as if that was a valid review lol).

The episode also included a case to do with racism, which I also really enjoyed and think it was handled nicely. But alas, I don't think my opinion is too important as a white dude who doesn't know much about racism and the shit that black people go through, specially when seeking medical attention. I can give my opinion on trans issues all I want, but that's as far as my experience goes.

Btw, Rio had his surgery, is perfectly fine and soon to be a dad with his lovely soon to be husband Eli :')

[thelikesoffinn]

Hey! 🎄✨️ I have a unrelated question, if that is alright. I'm not sure if you mentioned this already but in your meta you said that you are a social worker and have experience with refugees, youths and children but what exactly did you work as? And what is your job right now? Sorry if I come off creepy but I graduate soon and I'm thinking of becoming a social worker so I'm trying to get some information. Please ignore me if thats weird!(Love your posts btw!)

Hello there, dear!

Don't worry - it's not a weird question at all. Social Work can be very opaque and foggy at the first glance, because the field is so huge and it varies so strongly from country to country.

I'll gladly tell you what I've done so far and I'll add an obligatory warning: I'll likely mention rape, abuse, teen pregnancy, and bullying, so please be careful!

My very first job was actually as a substitute teacher and supervisor for children aged 6 - 10. I didn't work there for a long time because my colleagues where a huge pile of shit but the work itself was pretty straight forward and nice - hang around with the kids, make sure they don't kill each other and , if I had to sub lessons, teach them exactly what their teacher told me to.

Next I worked at a refugee bureau. Clients from all over the world - but mostly the middle east and asia - would come to see me whenever they needed a helping hand. I had to accompany them to appointments all over - with doctors, the court, teachers, job interviews, yada yada yada so that I could help translate and what not.

Apart from that, I'd help with their mail, with doing their taxes, submitting applications, finding work, doctors, refugee centers, flats - anything a person could need to get settled in a country.

After that, I worked as an advisor for teenagers who didn't want to go to school anymore. (In my country, children have to go to school until a certain age. Otherwise, they'll either be fined or, if it gets too much, they'll be forced to do community service or youth jail.)

Essentially, my job there was to find out why they didn't want to go to school and offer them a safe space to spend time without getting into problems. If they were old enough, we'd help them apply for jobs or whatever else they wanted.

But that sounds easier than it was. Most of those kids were pretty heavily traumatised and didn't trust adults, so getting to the point where they would talk took a LOT of work. Teenagers are difficult to handle as is and if they have further issues, it just gets harder.

Many of them were violent - verbally and physically - and addicted to all sorts of substances. We had some teen-moms - some because they were raped and others because they didn't use protection - and a whole lot of delinquency.

Some of them didn't have parents - either because they were orphaned or because cps separated them - and virtually none of them had good parents.

And, I'm saying it now: I hated this job so much. It was really difficult, we had little funding so the pay was a joke and I was extremely tired and drained all the time.

(And teens are really difficult for me. I just can't relate to them, so I really had to try so hard to get good footing. I still tried hard, and I did get there eventually, but it was really so draining.)

After that one, I had to take a break because of burnout - yay. But since I can't handle doing nothing, I took a few extra courses on topics I liked - autism, abuse victims, borderline personality disorder, systemic therapy, dissociative identity disorder, early childhood development, communal law and more - and later I got an extra license as a psychosocial support in criminal trials.

I just finished the latter, and over the course of this license program, I had to work a few cases to gain experience - basically, I was tasked with protecting the victim of a crime. My job was to make sure that the victims rights were protected - courts tend to be really insensitive and forceful, which can hurt the client even more and traumatise them further - and that the case was handled with care. On top of that, I was to make sure that the client/victim understood what was happening and why it was happening.

If, for some reason, the perpetrator wanted to contact the victim, I'd be the first hurdle. Any contact was organised and acquiesced by me first and the client second. If the client wants to contact the perpetrator, I was the one to organise that meeting or that exchange.

That job is really exhausting and difficult, and I will 100% never do it full time because it worsened my burnout but I really liked studying it nonetheless.

This week, I started working part-time as a kindergarten teacher. I really love it and I really missed working with children - it's been so long! It's low stakes, mid stress so it's great to get back into after a burnout and, to be totally honest...I just needed to see some happy faces. Seeing the children smile every day is such a nice feeling.

And that's it for now, I think! I had some smaller gigs in between, but that were so many I can hardly remember them all.

And I know this is probably not the positive "go do it!" type of thing you wanted to hear and I'm sorry, flower. But if you consider this job, you'll have to make sure to understand this:

Social Work isn't easy.

It is incredibly hard work and you'll see a lot of misery. You'll see people that are all types of broken, burdened by all types of things. You'll meet people who survived things no one should have to experience - bullying, abuse, attempted suicide or murder, fucking wars - and came out the other side not unscathed but alive.

Those people will come to see you, battered and bruised, because they need your help.

And you will not be able to help all of them. Most, yes, but not all. You'll lose some of them along the way, and you'll have to live with that.

It is a lot, and if you're not in the right place yourself; if you're not taking proper care of yourself, you will drown.

But it's not all doom and gloom out here! Seeing your clients come back to life, helping them find their way, and actually seeing all your effort bear fruits is where it's at. That's the shit and that's why I'm here.

Despite all the misery, it's still a very rewarding job and, even if I could go back, I wouldn't change anything. I'd still choose to do this, and I'd still be here clawing my way back after a burnout, because this is what I'm good at.

Helping people is my jam, and if it's yours - welcome to the ranks!

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

God I need therapy

[inamindfarfaraway]

How does you Bluebeard OC work? It's a very violent tale I mean - is your Bluebeard (parent) the same as the tale on Wikipedia?

Thanks so much for for the question! It is a very dark story; I wanted to examine the grittier, bloodier aspects and implications of Ever After High that Mattel hastily swept under the rug. Notice that none of my OCs have happy endings. The tale goes the same way it does in the most popular telling.

Bluebeard is a charming, dashing nobleman who may have had several wives who mysteriously died or disappeared before, but that’s really no reason for the ladies not to give him a chance! He’s so nice! And rich! Well, he does have a naturally blue beard and it’s literally never explained why, but shouldn’t we judge him by the content of his character?

A young noblewoman is at first creeped out by him, but then comes to like and fall in love with him. (BTW, her brothers are knights. They give her a whistle she can use to summon them if she needs help. That’s just some totally irrelevant information.) They get married. Life is good!

Until Bluebeard goes away on business and entrusts his wife with the keys to the house, including a golden key to a door she is told she must never, ever open. Over the while he’s gone she gets bored. Her curiosity burns stronger and stronger - she needs to know what’s in the secret room! Why does their relationship need secrets? How bad a truth can her beloved husband possibly be hiding?

She opens the forbidden door.

She immediately regrets her decision.

In her shock and fright she drops the key, staining it with the blood covering the floor from all Bluebeard’s previous wives’ rotting corpses gruesomely murdered and hung up on the walls on display.

What the fuck? What the FUCK?

Bluebeard comes back. Our heroine desperately tries to pretend everything is fine. Trouble is, the golden key is enchanted (sometimes said to be a fairy and Bluebeard’s ally), so though she’s been washing it frantically the blood is impossible to remove, and this exposes her.

Bluebeard is not happy. Now he’s got to kill her and lock her in the room, dammit! Why do all his wives do this? I know what you’re thinking: what excuse did he find to kill his first wife? We don’t know. Probably to give him a way to set up the next ones. This guy is a chilling sociopath.

The heroine tricks Bluebeard into sparing her for a short time, because he’s still honourable enough to let her have one last prayer. He’s a civilized sociopathic serial killer, apparently. She blows the Conflict Resolution Whistle. Her brothers burst in and kill Bluebeard. They tear his mansion down for good measure and the survivor walks away to presumably spend years in therapy and eventually write a tell-all book dissing her ex that makes her a fortune.

In Ever After High one of the later spouses, though not the final one, have a baby with Bluebeard. He raises the child to be his successor. He then marries his last spouse, and the story happens with him dying at the end when the child is old enough to live on their own and manage the estate. This makes it one of the only stories that doesn’t end before the new generation is born. The surviving spouse has the option to take custody of the legally no-longer-child after he dies, but the vast majority of the time they don’t because the legacy system discourages it and they don’t want to go within ten miles of anything related to Bluebeard ever again. I mean, the kid is just gonna be the next serial killer, right? Sounds like quite a handful to take care of… a danger, even…

[genderfluidlucifer]

Response to being asked to give  an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4

(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)

“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like. First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.” Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with. I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish.  Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is. Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.

[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask. 

“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]

I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for. And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence. “Connie responded: “Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.” Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here. “Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.

“ Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout. I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence. Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well. “Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia. I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout. Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.) If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things. ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking. “connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”] I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse. Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent. The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout. As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way. I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again. “The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“

The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄" “[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.

Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”] [ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”

The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.

There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”] [ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.

*boy used figuratively @ antis”

The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”] I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence. Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric. Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more  perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that. Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to. You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion  on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it. And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.

In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect. But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own. I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.

[sukunas-play-thing]

The thing about ZackRay for me is that it’s not necessarily bad to write about pedophilia as long as it’s portrayed as something bad! You need to do your research and treat topics like that with respect and don’t romanticize it! (Which is actually kind of a plot point in an oc of mine’s backstory, but she had gotten therapy and has gotten better with the trauma from all of that. Which I think is important when portraying stuff like that! Show the healing process!!)

But see, Zack is NOT A PEDO! He’s a grown ass man who probably hasn’t even thought about sexual shit at all- I have never gotten any sort of romantic vibes from their interactions at all.

These people genuinely think it’s so quirky and funny and “uwu so adorable” to do that! And it really pisses me off that they’re ok’ing that sort of stuff! It’d be way different if Zack was like...idk...16? Or if ray was like 19. That’s fine. I still probably wouldn’t ship them lmao my aromantic ass stans platonic dynamics more than anything but at least it’s LEGAL! God! Jesus Christ!

I do also kind of want to go off on another rant? Feel free to ignore this I’m so sorry I just have....literally no one to discuss this with

So a few days ago I saw a Bakugou/Izuku headcanon. While I don’t really ship them, I can see why the dynamic could be interesting. Especially if Katsuki works on himself and they both talk. (By the way, Katsuki is 100% my favorite he’s such a good character)

Turns out, it was NSFW. I already didn’t like that, but the headcanon essentially amounted to “Izuku choking Katsuki and giving him a panic attack 🥵”

Followed by “🥺 Katsuki’s trauma is my kink.”

Which is SO DISGUSTING TO ME! In smut in general, I always feel like it’s important for the consenting parties to talk about having sex and setting proper boundaries. This goes double when the person has any sort of trauma. You need to go at their pace. Especially if it’s sexual related trauma!

Katsuki is SURE to have trauma related to being restrained or not being in control! The-Final-Sif (an unrelated person, they didnt have that disgusting ass headcanon) as amazing headcanons about katsuki and essays that really shined a light on aspects that people just sweep under the rug! She talks about this and it makes so much sense.

Izuku should NOT be giving katsuki any panic attacks! None whatsoever! They should be talking, they should be setting boundaries! Ofc mistakes happen but you need to stop and check in on the person If that DOES happen!

If we use the aforementioned oc - Akiko Nakamura, who’s sort of a famous gambler or an organized crime boss I haven’t really decided yet ^^’ - I considered writing smut with her and any of my other characters as sort of a character study type of thing? But whoever I write it with, I would include a scene of her and her sexual partner(s) talking about her trauma and setting clear boundaries. There would be a LOT of verbal consent and generally making sure things are fine. That’s what should be happening in most fics!

Don’t sexualize children

Don’t romanticize unsafe sexual habits and crossing boundaries

I’m sorry for the long rant btw

🍃Holy fuck that was a lot! I've have quite similar discussions that you've ponted oit here and may I say this is 10 billion percent on point!! ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ people needa tale notes. There's so much to unpack when it comes to situations such as these and I know that their very difficult things to talk about. A lot of points to cover etc and I feel for ya 100%. Your oc may not be real but I'm super super proud they got help ((and happy you included a healing process it's so realistic love the dynamic indeed). I agree Zack isn't a pedo and I've never gotten romantic vibes from him or Rachel at all periodt. You've made some very good points as did everyone else. And I feel for all of you immensely. As for the izuku/bakugo thing. I've said it once and I'll say it again guys. Stop. Romanticizing Trauma.

((Especially using Izuku my guys wtf are y'all smoking. )) also deeply apologize for taking so long to respond lol. I've been getting stuff back to back and trying to answer everyone lol. Take care nonnie okay!!!??? And your rants didn't annoy me at all! 💞💞💞💞💞

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[akari-hope]

I’ve noticed that a LOT of people like to diminish Rachel’s trauma & make her out to be this manipulative, lying witch who uses everyone & has nothing but bad intentions. But I feel like that’s a gross oversimplification bc ppl often internalize unhealthy tenets of the environment they grew up in, & in some cases, that’s true of what Rachel does, courtesy of James. And having a tremendous amount of parental pressure (esp. from James) is no doubt part of why she feels the need to let loose

2/5  so often & is also known as a social chameleon. (Which I relate to as someone who’s autistic bc it reminds me of masking.) And finding out that her dad tried to have her bio mom seriously injured or killed would be heartbreaking & it’s not surprising that she broke away from her family after that & presumably spiraled further imo. (Also ppl who hate Rachel like to say that she cheated on Chloe w/ Jefferson & Frank, but BtS takes place 3 years before LiS, & there are condoms in Chloe’s wallet

3/5   during the guessing game that Max plays to prove her power, so claiming exclusivity doesn’t seem fair. It also just seems weird bc a lot can happen in 3 years, & her letter to Chloe in the junkyard (about Jefferson) struck me more as her being worried about her best friend freaking out & so not being comfortable telling her (as Rachel mentions, probably bc Chloe can have a temper, like her)- not like, “This is my secret confession that I cheated on my gf.” The Frank thing seems similar- she and

4/5  Chloe were still close (but not together, for reasons we don’t know) & she didn’t feel comfortable telling Chloe the details, so she didn’t, & Chloe took it personally. I’m not trying to paint Rachel as an angel; she’s a flawed human & I’m not saying that lashing out or using internalized unhealthy coping mechanisms is good. I just hate when certain people vilify her & then go on to paint Max & Chloe as perfect angels. She’s a traumatized girl who had no model for healthy coping mechanisms who

5/5  I wouldn’t be surprised if it caused a rift between her & Chloe that led to them breaking up, but remaining close despite that. At the end of the day, all three are damaged, they’re imperfect, & they need a fuck-ton of therapy, but they deserve happiness, & none of them deserve to die, as some claim. I’m sorry this got so long btw!!!

exactly. exactly. all three of them are people that have been through awful shit and have done bad shit, and need support and help to heal. you can’t just boil rachel down to the bad she’s done and call it a day, she’s COMPLEX and that’s such a gross oversimplification.

tbh, rachel always reminded me of neil from dead poets society. a kid who by all definitions had a privileged, nice life. nuclear family who wants the best for her, good schooling, and popular to boot. poster child for the ideal teenager. but of course as we learn, rachel is NOT happy. when you’re forced into this little “perfect” role, it’s only a matter of time before you start to crack under the pressure of that. it’s only a matter of time before that drives you to self-destruction, at least in some small amount. it’s really no surprise that rachel has anger issues, or that she’s drawn to the idea of using. her parents sure do want her to succeed in school, to have a good life, even support her acting aspirations. but they sure aren’t providing ANY support in the mental health department. she internalizes some really unhealthy shit courtesy of them. and then finding out everything about her bio mom...yeah, it’s the nail in the coffin.

the fact that no matter what you do rachel cannot be saved is one of the most tragic parts of lis. she makes bad decisions, but none of them meant she deserved the fate she got. it’s actually one of the many reasons i’m so adamant about saving chloe. chloe, despite her best efforts, could never save rachel. but that doesn’t mean she can’t still be saved.

it’s easy to sit back and condemn rachel for her decisions, but...god, she was just a KID. kids in the BEST circumstances do stupid shit, and rachel was certainly far from being in the best situation. people who demonize rachel really do just miss the point. she’s tragic. she’s not meant to be some perfect angel or a rolemodel. her relationship with chloe was never meant to be this aspirational thing. it’s just a moment in time where two very self-destructive, very depressed people find some solace in each other. and it’s kind of inevitable that with no outside help, those two people would eventually cause more harm to each other, despite the comfort they might’ve found in the relationship.

[sanoiro]

Lucifer 5x03 - ¡Diablo! - Spoilers & Speculation

Warning! There is always a possibility that certain scenes might have been mixed up under their non-respective episodes.

Written By: Mike Kosta

Directed By: Claudia Yarm

Mike Costa has written/co-written the episodes: 

1x10 - Pops

2x09 - Homewrecker

2x15 - Deceptive Little Parasite

3x07/2x21 - Off the Record

3x13  - Til Death Do Us Part

4x05 - Expire Erect

5x03 - ¡Diablo!

Cast: Tom Ellis as Lucifer, Lauren German as Chloe, DB Woodside as Amenadiel, Lesley-Ann Brandt as Maze, Kevin Alejandro as Dan, Scarlett Estevez as Trixie, Rachael Harris as Linda Martin and Aimee Garcia as Ella.

Season 4 Recurring Characters: None Officially Announced Guest Cast:

Dan Andreiu...Skeezy Motel Tenant

Jacob Chattman...Detective Doofus

Ernesto Chaverri...Police officer

Brianne Davis...Detective Dancer

Genevieve Gauss...Officer Cacuzza

Alex Quijano...Diablo

Behind The Scenes Videos:

Locations

Chloe’s Apartment - Maze & Trixie (There is all a Trixe-Lucifer scene)

Precinct - Dan, Lucifer and Ella. -Before the bracelets-

Pink Motel - Not a murder scene but I believe they question the owner as he is listed in the cast.

Warner Brothers Stars Hallow Set Area - Open Stages:

1) The Murder Scene - Dan, Ella, Lucifer & Chloe

2) Stage III - The room with the clowns. Prior to Halloween WB had built a clown maze for tourists and its workers although they didn’t the usual annual Halloween attraction but it was not the same one. However, I believe it may have been used for this episode nonetheless.

3) Stage Set - Hell set used as a Tv Series Prop although it acts as our actual Hell as well.

When an episode is shot at the lot it means it costs less money to be made still what it saved them on money it cost them on 1-2 days. 

This episode is called from us “Diablo: The Tv Series Episode” and we call it that because that’s what it is. There is no AU here but something like 3x02 where you see our leads investigating a case which is related to a show. Now that show is VERY similar to Lucifer. Extremely so but we will talk about that in a bit.

First of all the main themes of this episode is Lucifer’s ongoing instability but also a problem that seems to tie him eventually to Dan. Dan’s issue in my opinion started either in the first episode but is gradually getting worse so in 5x03 Lucifer provides a temporary solution. But is that him or Amenadiel? As we know Chloe and Amenadiel work together for a bit in this episode.

As always in order to unravel this episode we will rely on the case of the week. Where does the murder takes place? At the WB lot actually, so be prepared to see it again like you did back in 3x26 yet that is a different area.

^Aimee on the left

They also shot at night at Stars Hallow Set. 

We have some photos from Josh with Aimee and Kevin where you can clearly see that Dan does not wear the bracelet yet. Same goes with Lucifer’s bracelet at the beginning of the episode neither of them wears it and that makes sense.

Let’s talk now about the victim and the theme of the episode again. For some reason the murder is connected to a television show called ‘Diablo’. We know that because there are several hints and downright spoilers about that like the social media posts of some people which will not be posted for obvious reasons.

Diablo as a show has EVERYTHING Lucifer’s life has. Scratch that everything Lucifer as a show had in its first season down right to the… same poster. Yep!

So when I say everything what do I mean? I mean that there are the following characters who take the place of our main leads:

Lucifer = Diablo

Chloe Dacker = Detective Dancer

Maze = Blaze (male)

Dan Espinoza aka Det. Douche = Det. Dooffus

We do not know who else is featured but I would expect Linda, perhaps Trixie and Amenadiel to have their own counterparts.

^ Dancer was originally Chloe’s surname in the Kapinos Pilot do not be surprised is you see Linda being played by a Kim...

Yet who would do that? Who would make a Tv Show that resembles so much Lucifer’s life? My first thought was Ella but then I found a BTS about an Alex Lopez and I assumed he was one of her brothers taking advantage of her workalike stories. Although that may be true then how could anyone know how the actual Hell looks like?

One day I got a glimpse of a woman which I think was Inbar on set. Additionally, at that time, Inbar Lavi posted a few S4 photos which seemed a bit peculiar. Therefore if Inbar was on set and is the person who made the tv series Diablo we are in for a hoot!

If that happens it means that Eve has found her way and she might eventually find her way back to Maze’s life in P2. Of course, that’s a speculation but we can always hope!

The next question is why would our writers do that to Lucifer? Why would they put him through an experience that shows him his work and partnership so obviously to him through a series like Diablo? As we know Lucifer is a bit thick sometimes so for all the characters it would be nice to acknowledge certain dynamics as seen from a show that is, of course, a caricature of the actual actors.

I mean Diablo has frozen tips, Det. Doofus looks downright clueless and Blaze… Blaze is the equivalent of Maze but big… Congrats Eve! If that was you, of course, you made Maze looking butch!

So in that episode, Lucifer needs to come face to face with the facade of his life in Hell but also on Earth and I believe it’s time for him for another breakthrough. The same goes for the rest of the leads.

I stand by the opinion I posted on Twitter that 5x03 as far as I see it is a wake-up call that no matter for how long you keep a costume & a mask on that's not who you are. It's also a point where Lucifer's work & partnership may finally be unveiled for what they truly are. All that while they search for a solution. Yet for what solution do I talk about?

Something is wrong with Dan perhaps even Lucifer but I do believe the origin of the problem is Dan due to Lucifer’s actions back in 5x01. If I had to guess I would say that they need a way to make sure Dan is kept alive that a life source is sustained and that requires a link which I suppose is the bracelet. But that it’s just a temporary solution, the permanent one will come in 5x08 and will have its own consequences!

In any case we do have Lucifer and Chloe going to the Pink Motel for some questioning but then… then it seems like Lucifer disappears for a bit. If my speculation is correct during his recovery the events of 5x04 will happen but that will be explored in the next S&S!

The Pink Hotel is considered a landmark btw. 

Let’s say now that half of the episode is almost gone perhaps less, 15 min? And we have Lucifer out of commission or perhaps they search with Dan for what they need. That leads to two different groups working and I do not mean that it will be necessary on the case.

^LUX as Hell it even has poles... 

*cough* priest collard male strippers*

On one hand, you have Lucifer and Dan. When Kelly Clarkson visited the penthouse aside from several cool parts of that episode like LUX that is now called HELL in the Diablo series we also had a glimpse of a book…

A book? Again? You may lament like Mum at the end of 2x17. Well yes, a book… an ancient book which it may or may not be related to this episode although I will speculate that it is. For me, that book reminded me the Book of Destiny… 

In order to understand what that means I have put some strips from the comics here for you. Lucifer and that book or to put it right Destiny, one of the Endless have had a disagreement about that book before but it didn’t work out that well…

The Book of Destiny as Sandman’s and Lucifer’s comics inform us:

“It contains your life. Every detail of your life. Everything that has happened to you. Everything that will happen one day. The things you have forgotten (ALERT on that one). The things you do not believe.”

Yet the writers have never used a source from the comics without altering it so beware of that. It may be something that is based on that book or carries certain attributes of it.

So let’s assume that that book helps them create the bracelets and thus Dan remains alive for the time being. Also, does that mean that Dan will be exposed to the Devilish truth? If this speculation is correct I do not see how he can avoid it. At the same time learning all about Mom and most importantly Charlotte will do him A LOT of good. Yes, he has been healing in his own terms but whoever has lost someone knows that the pain never goes away it always nags you so I think it will make that pain a bit duller.

^Do not forget that Dan’s office area is full of motivation quotes... Do not be surprised if he is in therapy again in s5...

While Lucifer and Dan are preoccupied we have Chloe and Amenadiel working together I believe somewhat on the case or trying to help Dan. Who knows it might even be Eve - again IF she appears in that episode - who will give the temporary solution they need.

What intrigues me in DB’s photo from that episode is the official one that was released at ET where he is in front of a clown. It looks like a weird scary place, a theme park perhaps or even a set… 

We do know that there were two crews and that scenes of the Diablo episode were requiring two crews, I mean would you let an actor near your 40K camera? Nope!

So the circus/clown scene is what interests me most as I have no idea what is going on there… What I do know is that it corresponds with Ella’s shirt. Ella’s shirt has a clown on and it says ‘Big Clown’ and something other underneath yet on the murder scene she wears a light blue shirt.

Additional Info

We have a Scene at the Penthouse which may be connected with the scene of Maze and Trixie at the Decker Household. However! Scarlett almost always shoots more than one episode so it is possible that it might be connected to 5x04. Still we take it as if it is for 5x03.

There is a fight scene with Maze and Lucifer against some people. Still, Ellis’  stuntman also filled in for a different role this time so that might have been for the Diablo show.

Finally, we did have Linda on set and there was a photo from within her house. Scenes from Linda’s house or her office during her sessions with Lucifer are rare so most of the time we do not know they are happening. 

A background extra who played a police officer in this episode made it to an actor with lines. Of course now we know that she will have that role up to 5x08 yet we do not know if she will survive the serial killer ordeal of the last two episodes of S5 Part 1…

Additional bts of that episode including the Kelly Clarkson photos etc. 

^Did you see Marcus’ honourary tablet?

^And of course the mermaid is back at her rightful place. It was there also in S4 but appeared only at a bts with Inbar. :) 

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 18: Scheherazade

This episode is wonderful. Here are my thoughts.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

0:12 - Sooooo did Malcolm convince Gil to let him take the Surgeon case files from the precinct?

0:32 - Malcolm was eating Chinese take out? IDK. That stuff is pretty greasy. Something tells me that Chinese take out is not a good food to eat if you have a sensitive stomach.

1:24 - To be clear - Eve and Malcolm are not dating in this moment correct? They broke up last episode? Am I wrong?

2:04 - So Malcolm did want to go to this thing right? He genuinely likes ballet and his mom decided to make it a mother/son date. Ugh. So freaking adorable. <3

2:10 - Listening to Jessica talk on the phone is really interesting here. You can see that she’s embarrassed that she’s there alone and annoyed that Malcolm stood her up. She’s trying to be quiet and discreet on the phone so none of the nosy rich people notice but - of course - you can see them all looking at/talking about Jessica  in the background. I feel really bad for Jessica here. She doesn’t belong in the average person world because she’s rich and she can’t hang out in the rich people world because they’re all a bunch of overgrown high schoolers with the bullying and cliques to match.

2:24 - Look at how excited Jessica is initially - when this woman b**ch starts talking to her. Jessica looks hopeful that someone is going to actually be nice to her. Her gorgeous face drops when this Cricket woman starts being a b**ch. Props to Jessica for dragging this woman about the admissions scandal though.

2:53 - Ok. I immediately don’t like Endicott. Why? He clearly only saved Jessica because he wants to get in her pants. However, I love the way Jessica looks at him. She’s hopeful, flattered, and grateful. She almost never looks this happy and it’s a damn shame.

3:35 - Quick side note: Jessica looks amazing in that dress. Blue looks good on her….wait. Do you think she wore a blue dress because it would look good with Malcolm’s eyes? Not in a creepy incest way - just in a “I’m matching with my son” because we have a close, non-sexual relationship way.

4:50 - hahaha Cricket got blood spatter on her face. She deserved it.

5:00 - “You know your Mom called this in right?” - I love this. Jessica didn’t call 911. Before anyone could even think of calling 911 - I promise you Jessica was on the phone with Gil. Because Gil has always protected her family. She trusts Gil despite the fact that - like her son - she trusts almost no one since Martin was arrested.

5:02 - Again. I LOVE THIS TEAM. Talk about character/relationship growth. Dani and Malcolm making lighthearted banter. JT being really forward about telling Malcolm to go and check on his mother (who just witnessed a murder). I love that we are now at the point in this team’s relationship that JT and Dani love Malcolm so much that they worry about Malcolm’s Mom. <3

5:16 - Props to Edrisa. She’s a little neurotic and often anxious. BUT check out the way she laid down the law with that dude who was touching evidence. This girl is great.

6:00 - “Welcome to 2020. Can’t rule anything out.” - Can we just appreciate this line. It was probably written in late 2019 or before the whole COVID-19 nonsense in 2020. What a timely, well-delivered line. They probably writers probably did it by accident too. They were probably trying to allude to the craziness that was about to unravel with Endicott for the rest of this season. I love this show.

6:15 - JEALOUS GIL ALERT. Honestly - this was amazing. Gil is so jealous (not hiding it well btw) but he’s trying so hard to be a professional.  ALSO - check out the way that Endicott is looking at Gil. Endicott knows that Jessica and Gil have feelings for each other. He also knows that Gil suspects him as a murderer (for this case and the 1x19 case). Yikes. If Endicott has Gil injured, maimed, or killed in 1x20 I WILL THROW HANDS.

7:07 - This is cool to me. Jessica is mad at Malcolm but she doesn’t call him “Malcolm Whitly”; she calls him “Malcolm Bright”. This implies that Bright might be Malcolm’s legal last name. If it’s not - it means that Jessica respects her son. No matter how angry she might be at him - she would never intentionally harm him. She’s a good mom. (ALSO EDRISA’s REACTION ahahahaha and the way that Malcolm closes his eyes when he hears Jessica’s voice like “Aww shit. I’m in trouble.”)

7:30 - Honestly, I think it was both. From what we learn in this episode - Malcolm likes ballet. He’s probably sorry he missed the murder (because you know he’s Malcolm) but I feel like he was also looking forward to the event. Even if it meant that he would have to schmooze some rich people and listen to his Mom be a little nervous and a lot extra throughout the night.

7:45 - YES. YES. This is the perfect reaction to Eve. One that I’m sure a lot of fans can relate to. Yes - we hate the fact that Eve manipulated her way into Jessica and Malcolm’s lives. We hate that she broke both of their hearts. However, we sympathize with her brutally dark childhood and the loss of her sister. You can hate someone’s actions without hating the person as a whole. AND RIGHT HERE you can see that duality on Jessica’s face.

8:08 - At least Malcolm isn’t lying to Jessica? But dang. He looks so guilty about telling his Mom that he’s planning on visiting Martin. Probably because he knows Jessica will worry about the meeting, Malcolm’s mental health, and all other potential fallouts of Malcolm’s “plan”.

9:15 - Look at Malcolm here. He’s staring at Eve with a mixture of fear and concern. For once - he’s not focused on Martin. Malcolm’s concern for Eve and Eve’s pain is overpowering the discomfort and anxiety that Malcolm experiences when he sees his father.

9:20 - “You’re prettier than I imagined.” Ugh. Go to hell Martin. Malcolm looks so freaking ashamed to be Martin’s son right here. Look at his sad little face. :(

9:38 - What a toxic parent. He’s a serial killer and he’s still trying to make his ex-wife seem like the bad parent. Martin needs therapy.

9:45 - Holy hell. Malcolm looks terrified…..actually Martin looks a little scared too.

9:52 - I love this. Malcolm is so afraid of what Martin might do to Eve that he jumps over that red line. Also - take a second to notice how Malcolm grabs Eve. It’s not intimate. Definitely not the way you’d grab a significant other or a close friend. His hands aren’t touching her. He has his hands clasped around each other and his arms wrapped around Eve’s shoulders. This is a very gentlemanly way to grab a lady - even in a panicked, dangerous situation when he’s probably acting on sheer instinct and fear. Malcolm’s not thinking of where his hands are positioned. This is how he reaches for her instinctively and I respect it.

10:05 - Malcolm looks so scared here. Eve slapping Martin was definitely not part of the plan. Eve is improvising.

10:40 - Again. Check out the way Malcolm grabs Eve’s shoulder. It’s not the way you’d put your hand on a significant other’s shoulder. They are not dating here.

10:43 - Look at Martin’s face. It’s twisting in disgust. Is he actually feeling guilt for being a terrible father? I thought psychopaths couldn’t feel remorse? Maybe he’s just disgusted that his son is in a relationship with a woman who would have the nerve to insult Martin to his face?

10:50 - “I’ve told you all I can.” Martin’s eyes show fear in this moment. After watching 1x19 - I see why.

11:09 - The way that Martin shouts “Malcolm” is haunting. You can see it upsets Malcolm too by the way he grips his head. I wonder if Martin used that tone of voice with Malcolm as a child? Martin supposedly acted like a perfect father but what if Martin was verbally abusive to Malcolm when they were home alone together? Maybe this is how he conditioned Malcolm - like with that “Boy!” in 1x14, right before Malcolm stabs Martin. What if he drugged Malcolm to make him forget then too? Is that why Malcolm looks like he’s having a traumatic response to his name being called in that tone?

11:16 - Malcolm is impressed by Eve but also a little scared of Eve. Her performance was alarming to him. He didn’t expect her to be that angry.

12:04 - Edrisa is a national treasure. “I disagreed” bahahahaha. OMG. Even Gil looks amused at this one.

13:15 - “To maintain a comfortable lifestyle”. Seriously - do the writers want me to suspect Endicott? I seriously pinned it on him the whole time I watched this episode for the first time. Now I know better - but he’s still a sleaze bucket who has killed people.

13:34 - I love how no one on the team is buying Malcolm’s “my rich Mom took me to watch ballet as a kid” act. They know there’s more to it than that. They know Malcolm well enough to know when he’s lying.

13:40 - Gil is like “I’ve known you since you were 10. Jessica did not take you to the ballet for as long as I’ve known you. I would’ve heard about it.”

14:05 - I wish Malcolm always looked that happy when he declines one of Martin’s calls.

14:26 - This is seriously disconcerting. This is the most sincere and serious behaviour that we’ve ever seen from Martin. Martin is scared. Now that I’ve seen 1x19, I understand it. He’s afraid for himself. Of what Endicott may do to him if this gets out. I still can’t quite figure out if Martin actually cares about what happens to Ainsley, Malcolm, and Jessica though. I don’t think he’s capable. I hope I’m wrong.

14:32 - Soooo Mr. David doesn’t know about this. That makes sense. Did Mr. David see Martin get slapped? Are these phone calls recorded? Is that why Mr. David gives Martin that look? To remind Martin to keep quiet about the slap because it could cause Mr. David to lose his job? Are they friends? Ugh. This relationship is so fascinating to me.

15:33 - Look at Gil. He does not like the catty attitude of these ballet dancers.

15:45 - OMG. JT looks like he’s watching reality TV. He’s amused, a little confused, a lot shocked, and he can’t look away.

16:00 - I don’t like this Joesph dude - because he’s a jerk. BUT he has a point. These ballerinas seems very unstable. In the emotional sense.

16:12 - Dang. This is brutal. I didn’t like the way this girl was acting - but no one deserves this.  

16:53 - “I’m right here. I’m right here.” UGH. Gil saying this is so freaking sweet. All I can imagine is Gil saying that to Malcolm as a kid when Mal wakes up from a nightmare. <3 Ugh. The thought is warming my cold, dead heart.

17:15 - It’s a little concerning that Malcolm looks so excited about being in the same building as an active killer. ALTHOUGH - he regularly visits his serial killer father. Maybe he’s so used to being afraid of killers that he doesn’t even register it anymore? He’s so focused on solving the case that his own safety doesn’t even register as a concern?

17:23 - Papa!Gil is angry. I’m picturing him giving Malcolm a lecture in this tone of voice after Malcolm did something stupid when he was a teenager.

18:00 - Malcolm is having the time of his life. Look at this boy go. He has a group of suspects to profile and they’re all standing right in front of him. Life can’t get much better.

19:30 - Yep. This dude is a jerk. Also - Malcolm looks tiny next him. How tall is that dude? I know Tom Payne is short but damn.

19:36 - Question: why wasn’t Fiona in this group that was initially being profiled? Was she not in the building?

19:55 - Look at this. Jessica totally wants to talk to Martin. She is so pleased that she finally has something to rub in Martin’s face to make him jealous/angry. Also - can we all just appreciate how Jessica picks up the phone?!? When she’s addressing Mr. David?!? hahahaha comedic GOLD.

20:12 - Martin is losing his marbles. He really is an attention whore. Dang.

20:18 - “Martin stop being a helicopter parent.” - Yo. Jessica, I love you but you are a hypocrite.

20:30 - And this was the moment that Jessica forgave Eve for betraying her and Malcolm. Hahaha look at how absolutely delighted Jessica looks when she finds out that Eve struck Martin. hahaha

20:35 - Look at the way Martin glances over at Mr. David as he asks Jessica if she’s paying attention to him. It’s as though he’s reigning himself in because he knows Mr. David will hang up the phone and leave the cell if Martin loses it. Martin is so desperate for attention that he’ll take a bad phone call with his ex-wife over being alone in his cell. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

20:43 - Huh. Do you think Gil saw that photo? How do you think our jealous cop reacted?

21:03 - Ok. So, in this scene Martin is chained to the wall. He’s talking on the phone. Mr. David is in the room. NO one else. WHAT ARE THE PARAMETERS REGARDING WHEN MARTIN GETS CHAINED TO THE WALL?!?!? There have been so many scenes when Martin is not chained to the wall and he’s alone with Mr. David. I have so many questions about how this works.

21:06 - Martin’s toddler-esque hissy fit is freaking hilarious. This dude is unstable.

21:24 - Martin’s flashbacks have to be true. Right? So we can all say with 100% certainty that he took Malcolm to the cabin and held a girl (Sophie) in the cabin.

21:43 - Poor Mr. David. :( He looks so done with Martin’s nonsense. Why doesn’t Mr. David quit? He could easily get a position guarding a less insane prisoner. He’s been with Martin for 20ish years. At this point he’s either a) friends with Martin, b) developed some sort of twisted Stockholm Syndrome, c) working for Endicott, or d) getting paid a lot of money.

22:34 - Fiona is a nasty Queen B and I’m annoyed that Gil can’t arrest her on principle.

23:25 - “He upset some very powerful people. They made his escape from Cuba possible.” ….Soooo Endicott is definitely a shady dude. I still think he had something to do with Javier’s death.

23:40 - “Jessica’s friend?” - Dang. Gil, you’re jealousy is showing. <3 hahaha also he looks so freaking unsurprised. Gil’s like “I knew he was shady. I KNEW IT!!” And I find it really interesting that he refers to Jessica by her first name in front of Malcolm. Usually, he’ll say “your mother” or “your mom”. This indicates that Gil currently feels personally involved in Jessica’s life. This is a situation that is affecting him as opposed to Malcolm so he’s referring to her as “Jessica” instead of “your mother”.

24:02 - OMG. Gil, please stop being so obviously jealous of a woman in front of her son. Her son is a profiler. He can see through you and you’re probably making him uncomfortable (look at the way Malcolm looks down and smirks after Gil does this he knows). Regardless, this is the single funniest thing Gil has ever done on this show.

24:15 - Are Endicott and Gil really having a weird, not-so-subtle “guy-off” over Jessica while talking about the investigation?!? Malcolm looks hella awkward. He’s like “Fake-Dad vs. suspect/Mom’s crush. What do I do?”

24:43 - ENDICOTT DO NOT PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW MALCOLM WAS HER SON. Your shady ass has totally been keeping tabs on her whole family for the past 20 years.

24:50 - DANG. Check out that look that Jessica gives Malcolm. It’s like “Do not embarrass me in front of Nicholas. Do not tell your sister what you’ve seen. Do not discuss what you just witnessed with me. Ever. This did not happen.”

24:54 - Gil, buddy, I love you but looking at your watch is super obvious. Please reign it in. Your jealousy, while hilarious, it not attractive to a woman.

25:09 - I feel so bad for Malcolm throughout this whole scene. He’s clearly still interested in solving the case but he has this confused, slightly disturbed look on his face as he watches the whole love triangle fight go down.

26:06 - Once again, the whole “guessing JT’s name” is my favourite running gag on this show. Look. Even JT is into it now. He used to be super annoyed by it. This is how much JT and Malcolm’s friendship has grown. I’m so proud of these losers.

26:20 - OMG. hahaha “Posion.” Is Gil considering poisoning Endicott because he’s really that jealous?!!? I doubt it. More likely - Gil is suspecting Endicott of killing Javier. HOWEVER, I also think that this is a very subtle hint by the writers that Endicott is going to poison Gil in the season finale. I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT - but I have a horrible dread that I will be.

27:00 - Seriously? Martin gets an iPod too? Is he really a prisoner?!? This dude lives better than me.

27:30 - So Martin is mad at Malcolm here. “Kids.” Huh. So did he actually try to kill Malcolm that night? Or did he chicken out when he got up to the cabin?

28:13 - HOW THE HELL DID MARTIN GET EVE’S PHONE NUMBER?!? Magic? Does he get internet access? A phone book? He has Mr. David find it for him?

28:25 - Check out Malcolm’s face. He looks longingly and sad as he stares at the ballerinas. He stares at them with respect too - not lust. He really likes ballet. <3

29:00 - Is Malcolm projecting here. “You took a chance on him when no one else would.” Did he quit dance because of how people treated him after Martin was arrested? Does Malcolm identify with Javier?

29:10 - Listen to how Fiona praises Javier’s work ethic. It almost feels like she’s talking about Malcolm. Of course, she isn’t, she doesn’t know Malcolm. BUT the writers know Malcolm. Is this a subtle hint that Malcolm is not a killer? That he’s incapable of being a killer? I mean - they even go so far as to have Fiona say that something about Javier’s performance was off - not his work performance but his personal performance. Is that a reference to Malcolm’s deteriorating mental health? Maybe I’m reading way to much into this…

31:14 - Does Malcolm even know he’s projecting here?! I don’t think he does. Gil sees it though. Damn. I’m surprised he didn’t challenge Malcolm on it. Or hug him. Ugh. My heart is broken.

33:05 - Is Malcolm so shocked that he doesn’t move? Or is this just Malcolm’s passive suicidality at work here? Watch Gil tackle him to the ground though. <3 I’m in love. This is the father Malcolm deserves.

33:36 - hahaha look at Malcolm’s precious little ballet jump. Gil sees it too. Gil is like “Wtf? This kid totally did ballet at some point. How did I not know about it?”

35:15 - Look at how freaking proud Gil is of Malcolm. Gil - a man who likes classic cars, has sports trophies in his office, and drinks fancy liquor. Gil is, in a lot of ways, stereotypically male. He finds out that his dorky pseudo-son did something as stereotypically feminine as dancing ballet (and enjoyed it) and Gil doesn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t tease Malcolm. He just looks at him with pride. We need more men like Gil in this world.

37:00 - Anyone else extremely upset by the idea that Martin put his son to bed like a Good Dad before going downstairs with the intent to murder a woman?

38:25 - I feel really bad for Sophie. :(

39:20 - Soooo is Sophie still alive? Or did Endicott have her hunted down and killed?

40:29 - This isn’t the first time in this series that Martin has bashed Jessica’s parenting skills. Or the first time he’s hinted that Jessica did something bad to the children. Given Jessica’s behaviour toward Ainsley and Malcolm - I doubt it. That woman adores her children. However, she does have a drinking problem and I’m starting to wonder what Martin thinks makes Jessica so bad. Is it simply because she divorced him? Or that she kept the children from him? Or is it something more?

40:50 - Well at least Malcolm knows Martin has been gaslighting him. :(

41:06 - Soooo Mr. David totally heard that conversation. Makes you wonder if Mr. David is working for Endicott. The things that Mr. David knows…

41:50 - So Eve definitely broke up with him here. Again? Honestly - I have no idea when these two were actually together.

43:21 - I do not like that monster inside the Whitly house. No no no no.

Well. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. See you next time.

[eversleepingriv]

Oh look! It’s a rainbow Roman Sanders for an amazing human’s birthday!!! • (Note to self, don’t ever use food colouring for rainbow makeup, even if you can’t find your eyeshadow. You have to scrub your face with shampoo to get it off) • So, when I get into something, a book series, movie, etc. I get very obsessive over it. Probably to a point that everyone needs me to shut up about it. My current thing is Sanders Sides, which was created by an amazing human being called Thomas Sanders, and it happens to be his birthday today!! Thomas himself has been a really big source of positivity and inspiration for me. He is the sweetest human being alive, gives the absolute best hugs, and is genuinely an amazing role model. Why do you think I made that actual presentation for a course of mine about leadership? He truly is a big reason I’m alive right now. My butterfly from him has given me so much strength when I feel like I have none. He responds to my really ridiculous tweets and makes me regret knowing how to type sometimes. He makes amazing content that people can relate to, from the Sides, to Cartoon Therapy, to the silliest little things he makes with his friends! Voices of Unreason is highkey one of my faves. Thomas is an advocate for a lot of people who feel like they can’t speak up and really does fight for what he believes in. I am so blessed to know of him and I am so damn lucky to have been noticed and appreciated by him (which btw, wHY). I am truly grateful that this human exists, even if his Deceit reveal made three different nurses run in my emergency room area because it spiked my heart rate. (Speaking of, in the ER now... stupid allergy to eggs and their smell...). Regardless, I am sending all of my love and hugs and house hippos to you, Thomas! Happy freakin birthday!! From your tired, friendly disaster gay 💕 -Riv xx #aroundtheriverssbend • • • ~Tags~ #birthday #happybirthday #thomassanders #thatsthat24 #romansanders #romansanderscosplay #sanderssides #sandersides #snaderssdies #sanderssidescosplay #cosplay #rainbowmakeup #butterflytattoo #butterflyproject #throwback #vidcon2017 #glowup @thomassanders (at Edmonton, Alberta) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwpzlREn_Rb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=g0y9k9eduycg

[loadingoliver]

compulsive shopping

something I never thought I would be dealing with. for one, I was never a big spender. since being very little, I hated the thought of people having to spend money on me and I was very good at saving it. yet I've never bought as much as I have the past year and I don't remembered why I bought most of the things or even what they were. which means I've never owned as many unnecessary things before. during that year I also spent all of my savings including some money I’ve had put away for years and rarely touched before because I never had big needs that would require extra money. whenever I reached for those savings this year it felt like an emergency, I planned on putting it back there after my next paycheck, but I never did - some new purchase would always seem more urgent. “I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was living FOR the paycheck”*(The Minimalism documentary). pretty early on I found myself in a financial crisis and had a lot less money to spend, unfortunately it wasn't about how much I would spend, but the way I would spend it.

since I can recall I’ve always hated spending money going out, going to movies, eating with friends, buying food for myself - it seemed like such a waste of money - on something that lasted a moment instead of something material that I could have forever and that would bring me joy and serve purpose. or better yet, multiple purposes, right? too bad I wouldn’t use anything for long. I own some clothes that I wore literally once or twice. most things I would get were horrible quality and poor source which I was aware of. a lot of clothes didn't fit me, therefore didn't serve purpose, but instead would make me feel frustrated with what I looked like. and the joy, momentary excitement, dopamine kick - that was what would initially drive my constant need to buy new things, but it would last less and less time. the rush I would get from checking out “inspirations”, looking up things, reading product reviews, planning purchases, placing orders, waiting for deliveries and then using those items for the first few times- gradually it shrunk to feeling excited until the end of each transaction. I haven't even worn something, I didn't even get it in the mail, I would already look for something else, I was already hung up on something new. I had never-ending lists in my head of stuff I wanted to get next, that I needed next. I had a few private Pinterest boards specifically for that, that's what all my Instagram likes went to. and I would obsess over them. that’s what I would spend all of my free time on. my energy, thoughts, motivation to get up, to work, to survive through bad days. to live, I guess. they were my treats for doing well, my consolation prizes and my what the hell’s. I didn't plan on buying 10 things at once, but just this one and, of course, these two. while still in my head, most things felt essential, unlike previous ones- I was crazy getting that previous item, but this? I clearly need this. if I look better, I’ll feel better.  my shopping habits were gradually becoming more impulsive and compulsive. I was no longer thinking through or questioning what I needed, practicality was not high on my list. I would almost never try on stuff, I would base my decisions on the fact that I liked the way something looked on someone I saw. usually on Pinterest or Instagram- so people of completely different proportions, physical features, lifestyles, preferences and identities - not me. it usually looked good with other articles of clothing that I didn't own, so when shoes arrived in the mail and I wasn’t so sure about them, I would sometimes convince myself that I also needed different trousers, t-shirts, different colours or materials to go with them, that would solve it. when I had less money, I would buy more, but cheaper items. it made so much more sense to buy multiple things for less. and if it’s cheap, why think twice?what's the harm? I actually knew enough about the harms of fast fashion industry, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I couldn’t afford to be environmentally conscious, to make ethical choices, to consider people behind products, to pick more intentionally. I couldn’t afford to buy as many quality items, so I chose quantity over quality. and it’s hard to appreciate quality, when you get bored and dissatisfied with everything so quickly. but each time it felt like that one item was the one that would perfectly fill in the painful space in my life, each product seemed ridiculously important for a short while, it somehow was supposed to be the start of a new life- a toothbrush that, at least in the pictures, matches my bathroom tiles and other beautiful, pure, and organic-looking sink accessories that I was getting next; or a running windbreaker that I can fold into the size of my fist and that might not go with any of my clothes, but I could always have it with me and it would help me save space in my giant everyday backpack full of other essentials. it felt like every little thing would weirdly define me for a second. that when I pick a product, I decide what kind of a person I am. but who I was and what I liked was becoming very blurry.

style and clothing felt like such an easy way or opportunity to redefine or redesign myself. it gave me a sense of identity, it was a symbol of a different better life. and when I was out of ideas for myself and my life, any image that gave me a sense of what I lacked i.e. self-confidence, self-respect, ease, balance or even better social skills or ability to fit in among certain people sounded great. I reached a point where there were too many different voices saying what would make me feel better and I would get very confused. not even with what I needed or wanted, but as to what I liked, what was aesthetically pleasing. which btw, while not the most important in life, comes in pretty fucking handy when you work as a product designer and a craftsman. that lead me to my worse state. I could change my mind about what I wanted to look like, which subconsciously translated into whom I wanted to be, in five minutes while randomly scrolling through a board of pictures on my Pinterest or checking out my Instagram feed. it didn’t come out of nowhere, I was never able to stick to the same clothes, I went through so many stages, I tried out more haircuts within the last five years than most people have in their lifetime. I actually would feel sorry for people who had the same hairstyle their whole life and wore the same type of clothes for years- how boring are you and how unadventurous is your life? I didn’t see the integrity some of those people have, the lack of need to fix what already works, the peace, the contentment, the blissful zero fucks to give about something this empty and unimportant. I thought they lacked sensitivity, awareness and were afraid to experiment or take a risk, while it seemed natural for me to play around, constantly research, look for something. I even convinced myself that I had to be that way to keep an open mind and my creativity levels high. but when it got out of control and started changing so fast I couldn't keep up with it, I realised how much my low-self esteem was being used by the industry convincing me to want new things to fix me and immediately hate the old ones. definitely wasn’t news to me as a phenomenon, but took me a while to realise that it affected me, and how much. as those things tend to, it aligned with various work stuff, break ups, prolonged health problems, family conflicts, other everyday stuff and social media apps, including Instagram and Pinterest, have become my pacifiers, a way to push away all sorts of thoughts, issues, anxiety, to look away, to avoid, to calm down, to entertain myself, to distract me and keep me busy. once I realised just that, they stopped working that well. I suddenly felt like notifications, badges, sponsored posts, fake smiles, free trials, special discount codes, pictures carefully selected for me were attacking me more and more, but none of them no longer made much sense. it all quickly turned into an uninteresting, disturbing, worthless noise and waste of my time that I was able to, surprisingly easily, let go off. sadly, that didn't make my shopping urges and impulses go away. in fact, I still have to fight them pretty much every day and it will take a while. but I really want to work on this. work on this by not letting things be more than things are and define me or change the way I feel about myself. even though I don’t feel great about myself right now. I want to end this post on a positive note because I’m really feeling incomparably better most days now, but the truth is I obviously just started uncovering some stuff and it’s not pretty, so it might take more than giving up retail therapy.

if you can relate, feel more than free to message me, bother me, ask me questions, but beware I might recommend you an endless list of podcasts, essays and videos that helped me and that my friends can’t take any more. if you can’t relate, you lucky fuck, hope you found this interesting. and if you did, the interesting part actually is the shit that happens next, now that I’m taking steps to live a simpler, slower live, without all that excess bullshit, so stay tuned.

[oriorchids]

Current Twisted Wonderland Cast Impressions

they’re all so dumb and for what? none of this is serious btw just to preface this. also i am playing EN version because stuff.

Heartslabyul (is that how you spell it?)

Ace - dumbass. why does he give me childe genshin impact vibes? i want to punch him (affectionate). mean.

Deuce - dumbass (affectionate). he’s trying his best!!! eggs.

Cater - what the fuck is this man saying i need to read the fan translation later. however i can see people in my class talking like this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he said “sus” end me. who the fuck says “S R S” out loud?

Trey - finally. SOMEONE WITH A BRAIN CELL. i want to be his friend.

Riddle - needs new parents. i learned that his VA did tanjiro and i can no longer look at him the same. needs therapy and a hug. please give him a strawberry tart.

Savanaclaw (furries)

Jack - :0 good boy. tsun. he looks very fluffy.

Ruggie - he puts up with so much shit oh god. needs a break. give him a vacation pls. sir almost died in a painful-ass way and i’m scared for him.

Leona - inferiority complex. get some therapy my dude you need it. i probably wouldn’t like him irl but in-game he’s cool.

Octavinelle (feesh)

Jade - mushrooms mushrooms. uhh. scary.

Floyd - i’m terrified of this man. why is he so tall? why does he call people by sea creature names. he has definitely committed murder.

Azul - i should probably take this guy seriously but i can’t. he is just too much of a mood. he sucks at PE and i relate to that wholeheartedly.

Scarabia (why doesn’t tumblr have yellow for savanaclaw?? or is this yellow? then where is orange?)

Kalim - ray of sunshine. he has zero (0) thoughts in his head and i love him for that.

Jamil - snek vibes. knife skills apparently??? scary.

Pomefiore (FASHION)

Epel - APPLE BOY. deserves to go apeshit. beat people up <3

Rook - i don’t know anything about this guy. who is this? an enigma?

Vil - see above. i’m NOT THAT FAR IN AND I HAVEN’T READ HIS STORYYYY

Ignihyde (best dorm! i got sorted into this one through the website)

Idia - mood. man i wish i could have a tablet go to classes for me. sometimes i just want to stay in my room and hide and not talk to anyone. i’ve seen glimpses of chapter 6 and i’m scared.

Ortho - BABY BOY. this one’s the one i chose at the start. he is small. and a robot. though uhhh… why is he a robot? why was he made??? help.

Diasomnia (FAE FAERIES FAIRIES AAAAA)

Sebek - who are you.

Silver - see above.

Lilia - chaos incarnate. how old are you??? grandpa vibes. he’s “hip with the kids” but like actually

Malleus - how old are YOU??? he’s never invited to anything and like. same. kinda sad tbh. i don’t know much about him but calling him “tsunotarou” / hornton (en translation) is wonderful. i refuse to call him hornton though.

Literally everyone else

Grim - STOP EATING THE ROCKS. STOP CAUSING 50% OF THE PROBLEMS. AAA

Crowley - stinky man. dumbass. what are you hiding???? i don’t trust this guy as far as i can throw him and i have no upper body strength.

Crewel - weird vibes but okay??? ig.

Trein - CAT. that’s all. i didn’t realize he was based off of lady tremaine at first. did i spell that right??

Vargas - VIBES. positive ones. i don’t like PE though.

Sam - best shopkeep. good shopkeep vibes. i’m a little scared to buy stuff though.

Che’nya - CHESHIRE CAT. keep messing with your friends pls it’s funny!!!

Cheka - small and precious. deserves the world.

[aquarianlights]

Little Rant About My BPD And The Super Awful Psych Industry

You know, I used to think schizo-affective disorder was my most prominent disorder. . .but I've slowly come to realize that Borderline is my most prominent disorder. I exhibit every single symptom; even the obscure ones. And it sucks. It fucking sucks. I hate having both disorders. . .but if I had to choose one to get rid of, it would be my BPD. I cannot even express to you guys how much BPD has destroyed my life and obliterated my relationships. I can't even tell you how many friends I have lost due to my being BPD. Do the meds help BPD? No, not really. There really aren't any meds out there that dulls any of my symptoms even a little. . .becauae my BPD is so much more aggressive than most peoples. The most recent anti-psychotic I was prescribed helped a TINY BIT. . .but I was mostly on it to help with the schizo-affective and the suicidal ideation I had. And, yeah, it helped those things. . .but it turned me into a very unhappy person. And the worst part of it was that antipsychotics make you so numb to the world and the things and people and events around you. . .that you can't even RECOGNIZE the fact that you've turned into a very different, very unhappy person. It was only when I finally quit my antipsychotics cold turkey that I realized I wasn't even close to "me" when I was on them. I had no life left in me. I saw everything in black, grey, and white, instead of the normal neon, rainbow colours I see. I really had no desire to do anything. Nothing was exciting anymore. Yeah, these are all depression symptoms. . .but it wasn't depression because I was completely content with my life like that. . .because I didn't know any better. . .because the antipsychotic was blinding and numbing me to the reality of the situation. When I finally got off of it. . .I had never felt more free and happy and full in my entire life! Getting off antipsychotics was the best thing I ever did for myself. But, at the same time, the little bit of help it was giving to my BPD, along with the MASSIVE help it was giving to my schizo disorder and suicidal ideation just. . .vanished. However, the major difference this time was that I was on a stable dosage of the mood stabilizer I had been taking. I didn't stop taking or change the mood stabilizer. . .and it has helped me IMMENSELY in learning how to cope. I can handle SO MUCH now in my life. I can handle almost anything anyone throws at me. I just don't get affected by things like I used to. It's fucking fantastic!! Yet. . .although my other disorders have been either taken care of or are being coped with without medications. . .my BPD still remains completely and totally untreated---neither with coping skills OR medication. BPD is the only thing still sabotaging my life and, especially, my relationships. And I don't know how to stop it or what the hell to do. In fact, I don't even really know much about BPD. I know only what my psychs have told me, which is mostly all relating to me. Telling me I have a very aggressive form of BPD. Telling me that I have every single symptom. . .even the obscure ones. . .albeit I don't even know what any of them are. And the fact that if I ever want to have a healthy relationship, I need to learn to cope with my BPD or at least get on medications to control it. Basically. . .all I know is that I have it. And that it's the reason why none of my relationships---platonic or romantic---ever work out. And I also know it's slowly ruining my life. How is it doing all of this? Well, tbh, I have no idea. When I was diagnosed with BPD years upon years ago. . .I used to tune out when my psych would explain my disorders to me and tell me how they worked. I absolutely hate everything about psychology and I didn't want to hear ANY of it. I still hate psychology to this day. I think the whole practice is a fucking joke. And I think the same way about psychiatry, too. Fuck everything related to the psych field. It's all a bunch of fucking tests on human beings that never come out conclusive. No psych ever knows wtf they're talking about. All psych meds are extremely experiment. THE ENTIRE PSYCH FIELD AND ANYTHING RELATING TO IT IS A FUCKING JOKE. You know what psychs REALLY get paid for? No, not advice. . .they get paid to have a fucking opinion. To give their unwanted and usually wrong opinion out to unsuspecting, innocent, ill, desperate people who will do anything a "professional" will tell them to do. And it's not right!!! It's not right at all. All psychs do is take advantage of sick people for their money. And the ones that aren't getting paid "enough" for their liking? They don't even fucking PRETEND to care like most psychs do. Psychs just put on this front of caring and love and concern so they can get that money and so you will trust them and keep coming back. They want to FOOL YOU into thinking they care. . .GUESS WHAT. They don't. They never did. They never will. You are merely an experiment for them to play with. Psychs are just people who get paid to have ridiculous opinions and perform experimental treatments on innocent, yet sick, human beings. Where was I going with this. . .OH RIGHT OKAY. So I used to tune out everything she said when she would explain psych-related things to me. . .and it wasn't just her. It was with every psych I had from then on, in psych wards and in private out in the world. I would tune them all out. So I don't know anything about BPD. I got re-diagnosed several times within the past 7 years to keep my mental health records up to date. And every single time, without fail, my BPD is, by far, the strongest of all my disorders and most prominent. I've seen disorders come and go in me. I've healed a fuckton over the years and I don't have NEARLY as many illnesses as I used to. But BPD has remained constant in my life since my teenage years. Yet. . .I still know nothing about it. Not that I actually want to. . .but part of me feels like I would be able to cope better and control my symptoms better if I knew what to look out for. This is an insanely difficult dilemma to me. I would do anything in my power to stay ignorant on all the disorder explanations. I don't need or want to know any of that bullshit. . .because that's all it is. . .complete and utter bs. Psychs playing with big words to scare people into submission. Which, btw, everything I have described about psychs in general? ...seems to be a constant no matter where you go. Private practice psychs, corporate working psychs, sliding scale psychs, psych ward psychs....doesn't matter where they work or who they work for. They're all the same. I have been to them all. Also doesn't matter where in the US you are... I've been in various types of therapy in Florida, Colorado, North Carolina, Georgia, Massachusetts... doesn't matter where in the US they are, either. They're all the fucking same. No, they don't care. Don't be fooled by them pretending to care in order to get your business and your money. They will NEVER care. How the hell can someone care about a complete stranger like how these psychs portray how much they "care"??? They enjoy playing god with your life. "Oh, this script can make EVERYTHING BETTER...but it might make you want to kill yourself, too. Experimentation time~! Whooo~!" They are paid to throw useless opinions at you. And you, being desperate, are stupid enough to take them. The world is gonna die off. The human race is going to painfully burn to death in some fiery explosion from the sun, if we don't all kill each other sooner than that. We all die in the end. So why the fuck are you trying to get someone you don't even know to give you their opinion and label it as advice? Why are you trying to force someone you don't know to care about you? They don't...and they never will; But they can sure as hell fake it! So all this is happening. . .so why the fuck not go out and ENJOY LIFE instead??? Why not just bury your problems for the day and have fucking funnnn! Like I've said since high school, "Live fast, die young." I'm not going to waste my time in therapy anymore. I think I am living proof that therapy doesn't work or help. At all. In fact, it may just make everything worse. And all I'm trying to say is these are MY useless opinions. Don't freak out if you disagree; Just move along. People are allowed to have opinions. . .as long as they have solid reasons to back them up, like all of mine do (via a plethora of personal experience). Yeah, I know, I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety med and they work damn well. But you know how I WORKED UP TO THE RIGHT MEDS? Literal YEARS of experimentation. So yes. . .the psych practice is all just a bunch of mixed up experiments that work differently on every human being. Fuck that. Fuck all of this. And most of all. . .fuck BPD. I would trade anything not to have BPD anymore. Hasn't my life and relationships been destroyed enough? Why the hell do I need HELP destroying everything I work so hard to accomplish??? Fuck BPD. This is legit the most debilitating mental illness I have. . .and have ever encountered. Period. PS: I didn't write this to piss anyone in the psych field off. I wrote it to vent. Because I'm KINDA needed to get this out to the world. And hell yeah it made me feel a WHOLE lot better! If you disagree. . .just quietly agree to disagree and move on. If you're REALLY so inclined as to tell me you disagree. . .at least add in why. And do it FUCKING NICELY. Don't be one of those people. Don't be that super obsessive anon hater with nothing better to do than harass innocent people like me. I am 200% more likely to actually listen to a single word you say and listen to the meaning of your message if you're nice about it. Fuck the hell off if you're not. Kay? Fucking kay. Aight. I'm done. Peace, fam. 🖖