#please read them I am lonely and friendless

[cecenyss]

The best OCs fics can stand alone. When canon is nothing more than context for them, and their character has their own, individual story to tell.

This is always made easier in fandoms like the mcu or the arrowverse, which has a series of villains that are introduced and then defeated, usually within a single short show, season, or movie, and much more difficult with fandoms such as my hero academia, which has a singular “big bad” or “evil” organization of some sort that the main characters work together to overcome within the entirety of the franchise. The singular goal shared by all characters makes it more difficult for OCs to branch off and do their own thing with their own separate, personal storyline.

Of course, in something like a wartime setting this is also made easier without the separation of enemies over different installments, because there’s the understanding that this is a universal thing; something affecting millions of people across different countries or areas or wherever this war is taking place.

In stories with wartime settings, it’s also taking place over the course of several years, making it easier for your original character to go off, do their own thing, and then regroup with the main characters for the bit bad fight, usually the opposing force in the aforementioned war.

There’s no real point to me saying this, I just thought it was interesting. Also I just read The Siren by emmagnetised and it’s fantastic. I love OC stories so much and I always think it’s such a shame what a bad reputation they get; the well-written ones are few and far between and it’s a shame, in my opinion.

There’s something about reading an individual’s own story from within a universe you’re already familiar with that’s so spellbinding to me and I love it. Adding new characters and introducing new ideas, altering canon through the eyes of an entirely new person. It’s like reading an entire novel, with all the thrill of getting to know the character it’s about, but you don’t need to trouble yourself with the world or the other characters. Less to keep track of because you already know everybody else and their dynamics; you just need to focus on this person’s.

It’s the same reason I like reading fics which introduce two characters who never got the chance to meet or write out backstories for people who never got their own canon one. Even just novelizing someone’s backstory when you already have most of the disjointed details.

I prefer pre-canon type fics to future ones or fix-it ones, because to me fanfiction is about expanding on the rudimentary details we’re given. World-building in an otherwise unexplored world. Even just tiny details about what it would be like to live in this world is just fascinating to me.

This ended up as a longer ramble than I thought it would. Read more OC fics and write more OC fics I think they’re cool.

(also I am taking OC fic recommendations for the mcu please and thank you)

[l0velybvnny]

hi! this is my first time ever posting on here and even really writing such things. so please let me know if you want me to continue this and some tips if you have any! thank you and happy reading! -not proofread-!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it’s well known gojo satoru is popular with his looks, charming charisma and even his wealth of course he’s popular he’s the satoru gojo.

what happens when some like y/n comes in the picture? quiet timid and friendless and why can’t satoru get her out of his head. you’re nobody and he’s satoru gojo.

satoru was walking with suguru his best friend— his one and only when suddenly *thud* someone bumped into him— more like he bumped into them. looking down he sees a girl, her binder and books scrambled everywhere due to knocking into him muttering under her breath looking up y/n sees him.

gojo, she— bumped into satoru gojo. scrambling to her feet after grabbing her things, she instantly apologizes suguru watching in poor unconcealed amusement.

“i’m so sorry— i should’ve watched where i was going i didn’t see you.” she says looking down at her feet and using her free hand to flatten her skirt against her thighs awaiting for him to say something only to look up when she notes his unusual silence watching his expression his eyes slightly widened his messy white hair even messier and his sunglasses even slipping off his nose.

“is he okay..?” she asks quietly, turning her gaze towards suguru who shrugs in response placing a hand on his taller friend’s shoulder knocking him out of whatever spell he was under his face confused and concerned at satorus odd silence.

“what—“ he coughs playing his shock off, and pushing his shades up as she looks down at the shorter girl. it’s fine. satoru huffs shrugging as he gives her a charming smile. “ and who might you be?” he asks flirtatiously.

“uhm.. i’m y/n..” she answers meekly, turning her gaze back down to her binders ignoring sugurus chuckles as he watches this whole scene play out never once seeing his best friend be like this shocked by a girls presence only used to him ever being a man-whore and going out with different girls constantly.

“well y/n, are you free tonight? i would love to take a pretty lady out like you for bumping into you.” satoru says, giving her wink despite her gaze back down on the ground fixing his hair while she’s distracted by the ground.

y/n furrows her eyebrows, used to this kind of thing being asked out as a joke last time she genuinely believed it she got stood up and vowed to never believe anything of the sort again. “uhm.. no thank you, i’m the one who bumped into you. i should’ve been paying attention no reason for you to pay me back it was a genuine mistake.” she says quietly, looking up at him and giving him a awkward smile before walking past him to her class as the bell rings.

satoru, who’s now in shock never been turned down by a girl before used to turning them down turns around and watches as she walks away in unconcealed shock her lips slightly parted. “who was that suguru?” he asks, turning her gaze back to his black haired friend.

“y/n? didn’t she say?” *suguru snickers, shaking his head at he sighs at satorus deadpan expression clicking his tongue as he answers. “y/n l/n.” satoru who’s shocked suguru knows her but he doesn’t raises an eyebrow. you know her..? he mutters confusedly.

“not exactly.” suguru answers, shrugging as he looks away. “we have a few classes together, never see her with anyone so i’d guess she’s lonely anyways why? you curious about her or something?” he asks, turning his head and raising an eyebrow at satoru.

“yeah.. i am man.” he answers, shrugging as they continue to walk— wondering about her for the rest of the day and pondering on how that’s the first time he’s ever seen her.

[stalkersdiary]

I was amazed by your content, Sir, and I was wondering: How did you find out about the way you feel/view love? Like, as if you dated someone and realized "Wow...I feel this way". Just curious! (If this is too much, please feel free to ignore me)

Pd. Can I be your "🥀anon" for now? (If you are confortable, that is)

This is a bit heavy, so I apologise ahead of time. I feel like I should provide context as it’s really relevant for the escalation of my mental state. I’m not upset about answering this, but you are getting the warning that the answer is… A lot. Honestly, it’s nice getting some of this out of my system so I’m not complaining. ^^ I never really thought I felt different from anyone else, because I didn’t used to. I was probably normal once; I think. It’s just that the feelings became more corrupted and unfortunate due to personal experiences. I had my first crush in middle school. I dated someone we’ll name V. I had no friends aside from them and I was being bullied severely (sexual assault, violence, and just general bullying like people gossiping about me and my body, and stealing my things) so I wasn’t going to turn down V’s request to date me. I figured it would almost feel like I had a normal life, even when I didn’t. Problem was. V was a shitty person who cheated on me, belittled me, mocked me, and manipulated me. I stood up for them a LOT. I would excuse their behaviour because I was lonely and because they treated me better than anyone else. (The bar was that low) I would basically do anything for their approval. Later, they broke up with me because I had found out, and I stood up for myself instead of for them for once. I assumed that because they “loved” me, they’d learn how much I was hurting and be kinder to me. I was very wrong, and I was devastated. I was so deeply upset that I assumed everything they had said about me was the reason I was a "bad partner", why I had no friends, and why they were so abusive. I was too ugly, too clingy, too annoying, too rude, and too “much” in general. I thought I was the problem. I thought that that was why everyone hated me. At this specific point in my life, I decided that the next person I dated or even befriended was going to stay even if it was by force. I’d train them to love me the way I thought love was supposed to be. I’d make sure they didn’t leave me. I read up on psychology, and I was deeply invested on how to make someone actually love me even when they probably wouldn’t. I would then go on to learn about different chemicals and weapons I could use if something went wrong so I wouldn’t have to… Dispose of something incorrectly. I had fantasies of abducting someone, keeping them, and training them to love and respect me, and that if anything happened, I’d end it on my own terms. I’d ruin them. I was so broken and alone that everything sounded better than being tortured for the rest of my life being an ugly, friendless, asshole, who no one wanted around. Keep in mind, this all happened while I was still in middle school.

Through moments of clarity (usually after hours of crying), I had flashes of being fully aware that my intentions were... Somewhat toxic. I felt really bad that I was about to subject people to my instability. I ended up deciding that all of what I had planned was too drastic and figured out that I was being unstable due to my pain and suffering. I still want the things I once craved. I still want someone who can love me. I still want someone who won’t hurt me. I still want to keep someone and make it so they can’t ever leave me. I want to force someone to accept me, even though I'm still an ugly, friendless, asshole no one wants. That's right, that part didn't change, because I'm aware that those things are somewhat true. When you’ve been hurt, it’s hard to move forward from a mentality that basically works to save and protect you. However, I am working on myself as I know this is from a place of trauma, fear, abandonment, and depression. I’m not perfect. No one really is. I try not to hold my feelings against myself as I usually don’t act on them. Usually… We'll pretend what happened a while ago was just a very interesting dream as I've been on my best behaviour since I'm single again. Oh and as for the "flower anon" thing, you may have to DM me the meaning of that and how exactly that works. I might be 22 at the time of me writing this, but I'm bad at human interaction and I tend to not know what things mean online.

Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[pharahsgf]

Idk if you've read homestuck or not but there's a character named Eridan that reminds me a LOT of jiang cheng. I won't get into the nitty gritty (key notes: they are both purple and get no bitches) but basically they are both incredibly hateful and CLEARLY meant to be read as antagonists at the very least, yet fans repeatedly ignore canon and treat them both like they're uwu lonely softboys who are neglected by the ppl around them and 'deserve so much better.' Their genuinely terrifying behavior and beliefs that have directly harmed ppl, even ppl they claimed to care for, is glossed over as quirky sadboy traits when no, actually, the fact they are awful people is the entire thesis of their characters! I'm new to the untamed and have only watched the show version so far, but when I went to read ppl's thoughts about the characters It was like I got double vision and suddenly eridan's face was overlayed on Jiang cheng's body. I was like no. Not again. I can't do this again, please no.

JSHF. WCSTDJS. KWHEDBBDSOAOKA. KSWPDINCSLE

cut because i refuse to be responsible for putting hs on people's dashboards in the year of our lord 2023 but good g-d anon you are a galaxy brained 4d chess genius for making this connection. oh my g-d. Yes i have a normal amount of knowledge about eridan ampora why do you ask. this ask is making me hysterical

anyway looking back at the homestuck fandom in its heyday it's insane how a common read on eridan was that he's such a relatable sadboy who couldn't help but lash out at his friends because they just treat him so poorly! and then you look at his introductory page and it's like this is eridan he loves genocide. his plans for the future include killing 90% of his friends. i know he was like 13 but i would've maimed him with a chainsaw too if i had to hear him go "you lowborn peasants are a disease and i am the cure" and "girl help my girlfriend blocked me and you need to help me get her back" in the span of like 10 minutes

AND JIANG CHENG IS THE SAME?? his awfulness is less comically exaggerated and he has some understandable underlying neuroses to back it all up, but he's still - for most of the story - an actively terrible person clearly written to reflect real life attitudes of classism and violent entitlement. and yet! when people discuss his friendless state the take you're most likely to run into is "poor jiang cheng, so lonely and abandoned" instead of, idk, maybe if jiang cheng treated people with kindness and respect they'd voluntarily hang out with him?

there's also a comparison to be made between wei wuxian and feferi peixes - specifically how they separated from their respective murderboys and were both subsequently blamed for the violence said murderboys inflicted on them and others, based on the logic that jc/eridan was somehow entitled to wwx/feferi's loyalty and attention and therefore justified in punishing them for denying their claim. i could say a lot more but that would require fact checking fucking homestuck lore and i'm not going to do that

[wannamakefriends95]

Will I always be alone? Do people like me are still somewhere out there? People who really want to make friends..People who need a strong emotional bond..If you’re out there..If you’re in the same situation reach out to me Please..

Hello guys! 🙂 (read everything before you decide,to send me a message) Please send me a message ONLY If you're in the same situation and If your expectations are the same as mine.I want to find like minded people from Europe (Why Europe? Read my post to find out) I'm looking for something permanent

I'm fed up of being a loner (remember - you can feel lonely even If you're surrounded by others - If there's no emotional bond) and meeting people who never make any time for me & only text me once or twice a week to ask me "what are you up to?" Out of boredom.I don't want to meet people asking others a million of questions like "what's your favorite movie?" Just to give you one word answer and ask you another question "and music? Your favorite song?" I'm looking for something "deeper" & permanent 🙂

What kind of friend would I like to find? Someone to talk to on a daily basis - Someone who needs It & wants It just as much as me

Do you ever feel like an option? Like a stranger to others despite knowing them for months or years & talking to them quite often? Like there's always something and someone more important than you and you just..don't fit in and no matter what you do - your effort is never appreciated? That's exactly my life in a nutshell

I'm always the one texting people immediately (or at the very least trying to) no matter where I am and who I am with (family) others? Never

I'm here because I want to find someone willing to give me as much attention as I deserve - as everyone in my situation does.What are my expectations?

I would like to meet someone in a similar situation – why? Because I honestly feel like only a person with the same expectations and a similar outlook on life would get along with me & because I feel more comfortable talking to people like me..Someone friendless who needs a strong bond..Don't get me wrong…

Most people deserve to be happy and It's good to have friends but people who have friends in real life are usually more focused on them & have less time for others + I simply don't want to be replaced by anyone..I kind of envy people who can call others , true friends given I don't have an emotional bond with anyone and honestly? Whenever I hear that others have friends I simply get sad because (believe it or not) If I had to choose between 20 people to talk to (Acquaintances) and one special person - I'd choose that one special person without any hesitation .. I also want to talk to others on a daily basis mainly because..I want to see someone’s effort & be someone's first choice - not another person to talk to occasionally..Why I'd rather talk to people from my continent? I don't want to wait any longer than 6 hours to receive a message - Especially given most people are always available on social media sites & keep their phones in a pocket.Once you receive & open my message - get back to me (If you're as serious as I am & really need a true friend) waiting 6 hours to receive a message is more than enough

I'm by no means criticising people who don't want to talk to others often / People who really are super busy & People who want to find someone to have non important conversations with - I'm aware that not everyone has the same expectations which is why everything you're reading now - is here for a reason.

So please don't get my hopes up If you really are too busy or just simply - feel no need to talk to others,often & don't send me a message only out of boredom or sympathy or If you're another person in a different situation just willing to "help me"

Friendships should be natural – not forced.Both people wanting to be friends should feel comfortable and have something in common.

Listen people - I used to ignore being..ignored by others..always being just an option to talk to during tough times or moments of boredom.I was too young to realize that I was never important enough for most people that were a part of my life.

I don't know who needs to hear this but..No one is too busy to make time for you! People make excuses to avoid others because they prioritize everything and (maybe) everyone..over them. It's true that most people really are busy - but It takes only a few seconds to start a conversation (If you're into short messages) and a few minutes (1-10/15) to type a long message Don't let anyone lie to you.Truth is that most people either don't like you enough to make time for you or just simply - feel no need to talk to others often but are they too busy? No..

You don't need to send me a message just to ask me and tell me "Do you really want to talk daily? I like long messages but I can't promise to contact you often" If you really are unsure please don't send me a message.I don't need more acquaintances aka people to talk to - occasionally

I'm not trying to sound rude - I just don't want to meet someone new and get emotionally attached - only to end up being left alone after weeks or months of daily conversations.I'm sick of that never ending story and always meeting people who ghost me without a single word (even if everything seems to be ok) or people who "change priorities" over time & become like strangers…I don't want to go through this ever again.

Let me tell you one thing – A true friend would never just give up on you for no reason :)

It’s always possible to find someone to have a random conversation with – someone willing to send you one message once or twice a week..but..It’s almost impossible to find people willing to make time for you.I’m not asking a busy person to make time for me by changing some plans! Absolutely not! I’m here to find someone who wants to talk daily (throughout the day or maybe even night) of one’s own will.Someone looking for the same kind of connection.

Strong friendships are based on mutual support. One of the best things you can do for a friend in need, is just to be there for them when they want to talk.I often see posts from people who always say how friendless they are because they don't feel loved or appreciated by their "friends" remember! A true friend - someone who truly likes you or someone who wants to get to know you - will always find time for you. 🙂 I'm not really interested in small talk/short messages - I love long and meaningful conversations. It's so easy to find someone who loves abbreviations and questions like "How are you?" How was your day? Or what are you interested in? But so hard/almost impossible to find a person who knows how to keep a conversation going & show others some effort.Building and maintaining friendships takes time and effort.Never allow pursuits or possessions to become bigger priorities than your relations with other people.Close friendships are so important to us because they are so difficult to form + Having friends can help you feel as if you belong to something that brings purpose and connection to your life.

• I do NOT respond to any „Hey,hmu” or „u want to talk” type of messages (super short messages or messages full of abbreviations – I literally can’t stand abbreviations and acronyms in text messages)

• Please only adult people 18-36 age range (I'm 27)

• I don’t respond to messages I don’t find interesting (what I’m suggesting is that I don’t always respond to someone’s first or second message because..sometimes you just know If you’d get along with someone or not- I’d never ignore anyone after days or weeks of daily conversations) just because I don’t want to do anything forcefully & because I don’t want to lead anyone on.

• Don’t ask me “Can you tell me something about yourself?” If you really want to get to know me - you can ask me questions.

• It would be better If you guys were into emojis - just like me - just to describe your emotions through text.

Why can’t you see any of my interests listed down below? Because what really matters to me is..who you are (If you’re honest,talkative,understanding,caring and trustworthy – for example) just simply – It matters to me what you’re like! not what you like.Don’t get me wrong – you can tell me what you like or dislike but in my personal opinion common interests are important mainly when you want to find a gaming buddy (for example) or If you want to meet someone to hang out with in real life and..go bowling for example.What most people seem to care about are common interests – I don’t. I get along with other people despite having completely different hobbies but I absolutely don’t get along with people way different than me (different exceptations and outlook on life– way different sense of humor or personality traits – It’s just an example) We ALL can choose what kind of people we’d like to talk to and maybe even become really good friends with and I? I don’t want anyone to be disappointed.We all have some expectations after all.

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on.Sometimes I feel like the only friendless person in the world I appreciate sensitive people who always try to understand others.Empathy is everything

Imagine never getting any messages from others..always waiting for someone to text you..waiting & waiting..spending most of your time at home (not by choice) I really wish I had at least one person in my life one person who would make me feel important.If you really need someone to talk to due to loneliness and If you have time to talk to me daily (throughout the day and maybe even night)I always make time for others.I'm literally always available.I could even stay up all night long only to talk to someone. I’m ready to commit but only If there’s some chemistry between me and someone else.I don’t do anything forcefully.

If you want to talk to me tell me your story - tell me why you're here what kind of friend would you like to meet :)et cetera

You can share your problems with me - I absolutely don't mind "complaining" as I've been through a lot in my life.What do people usually tell you when you tell them that's something's wrong? "Don't complain" or "Life's not over yet - one day you'll be happy" or "There are worse situations than yours" and..obviously "Find a therapist" Life's not a fairytale and sometimes things don't go as planned.Emotions shouldn't be bottled up.I'm sick of people always telling others "everything's gonna be ok" move on " & more..Trust me people - not everyone wants to hear "Just believe in yourself and everything's gonna be ok" Some people take it as reassurance. But others see it as false hope. Imagine being told that things will be okay, only for them to get worse..Do you guys know why telling someone "everything's gonna be ok" Is wrong? Because you can't see the future.You can't guarantee others that one day they'll finally be happy + when It comes to social interactions - We're only responsible for ourselves - not for others & as you guys know people let us down quite often (sometimes even when there's no reason) so instead of telling people how they should move on,forget everything and be happy or asking them to find a therapist - be there for them! Always be willing to listen to them If you really like them or want to get to know them & don't suggest everyone in a tough situation to find a therapist because a therapist won't ever replace a true friend + It's quite normal to be disappointed If people always do something to hurt you.Sharing your hardships with other people in a very similar situation or exactly the same one - is VERY helpful If the other person understands you & wants to start all over by just letting it all out & feeling emotional support instead of always hearing some "positive quotes" or someone saying "Stop complaining let's talk about something else"

Ps.I can't stand rude people and I definitely don't get along with overly sarcastic people.I’m not looking for any advice either :)

Our world needs more peace 🤗

If you want to contact me please download LINE (It's an app) and send me a message Empathy95 But even if you decide to contact me via Tumbrl - Please send me a Private message.No comments please.

Avatar - Karina - Aespa :)

[dwellordream]

Initial Impressions of HotD, Episode 7

be warned there are spoilers below.

i have read fire & blood, but i am not judging the show as to its accuracy towards the book, as i had major issues with fire & blood, particularly in regard to how grrm wrote the female characters and handled the Dance.

this is not an evaluation of it as an adaptation but on its own merits.

It’s cool to see the Velaryons honoring the Merling King, god of the Narrow Sea, in their funeral ceremonies. it’s very unique to them, not a Valyrian thing.

Daemon letting out a little hysterical giggle during the funeral is.... not a good look.

Jace now fully understands that Harwin is his father and is angered over his death, which makes sense as to why he has little interest in comforting Laena’s girls, since he can’t publicly mourn Harwin.

Aemond defending Helaena from Aegon’s mockery is sweet. His very blatant crush on his elder sister is.... jarring, though obviously not that shocking, given the way they were raised as Targaryen princelings. The show continues to fully lean into the notion that Helaena may have some powers of prophecy, though it leaves her friendless and lonely. 

Luke breaking down in tears about the future and losing more family members is heartwrenching, knowing what comes later on in the story.

I wish the show was not going this route with Corlys’ relationship to his children. We barely saw him interact with Laena or Laenor, and his angry denial about Laenor’s sexuality wasn’t really necessary. Fire & Blood always seemed to imply he was proud of his son and didn’t give a damn about who he was attracted to.

Viserys calling Alicent ‘Aemma’ in a moment of exhaustion and the look of shock/anger on her face....

Rhaenys wanting to essentially disinherit Lucerys in favor of Baela makes sense when her and Corlys both know damn well the Strong boys are not Laenor’s biological sons, but Corlys is willing to overlook this for the sake of appearances (and does seem to genuinely love the boys as his grandsons).

Rhaenyra admitting to Daemon that she and Laenor did consummate their marriage and attempt to conceive on their own, but without success... the show has done Laenor so dirty that I’m not sure how I feel about the writers making him out to be sterile as well.

Daemon trying to play the ‘you were just a child’ card when he both groomed Rhaenyra and went on to marry Laena (who is even younger than her, here!) is a joke. 

The entire Daemon/Rhaenyra ‘romantic’ reunion is framed so clumsily. Is it grooming or not? Are we supposed to be rooting for them? They didn’t even mention Laena’s name once in their entire discussion after the funeral. Rhaenyra was a child who Daemon had the good sense to leave alone, but Laena was free for the taking? Do the writers understand how bad this looks?

The scene of Aemond approaching the sleeping Vhagar is genuinely cool and has a great sense of scale and how massive and dinosaur like the dragons are. It would have been cool to have a parallel scene between Laena and Aemond both claiming Vhagar years apart, but Laena’s was cut... like so many others.

Baela and Rhaena waking up Jace and Luke in a panic because ‘someone stole Vhagar!’ is a genuinely sweet cousins-adventure moment... which almost immediately goes horrifyingly bad. Aemond jumps from generic bullying to legitimately threatening to kill his nephews very quickly.

Alicent refusing to believe that Aemond could have started it and claiming Jace and Luke meant to kill him is one thing, but Rhaenyra jumps at the chance to ‘sharply question’ Aemond. Then just a few minutes later, Alicent wants to mutilate Lucerys in revenge for Aemond. So really, no one’s coming out looking great here.

Alicent completely losing her shit and trying to attack Lucerys herself felt a bit over the top, but the clash between her and Rhaenyra and her explosion of rage, finally confessing all the jealousy and bitterness she feels for Rhaenyra being able to ‘do as she pleases’ was almost worth it for the character moment.... but the entire thing felt very rushed and clumsily written.

Otto all of sudden approving Alicent’s fit of rebelliousness simply because it’s directed against Rhaenyra, and not him and his plans, is pretty typical.

The show continues to do Laenor dirty, portraying him as a self-pitying, neglectful father who is more interested in his own grief than his children and wife’s safety. Having him express how he ‘hates the gods for making him as he did’ was completely unnecessary and pretty homophobic coming from writers who espouse to be progressive and wanting to improve on so many things.

Daemon arranging to fake Laenor’s death so he can run away and abandon his family.... horrible writing. Rhaenyra pretending that this will logically make her renowned and feared as a leader because many will suspect she had Laenor killed.... horrible writing. Laenor being okay with an innocent man being killed so they can have a body.... horrible writing.

This episode has been the worst of Season 1 so far. I at least enjoyed the first half of Episode 6. Here... maybe 2 scenes I liked.

[chockfullofsecrets]

Critical Role: Embarrassing and Undignified

(Read on AO3)

Rating: Gen

Summary: Caleb doesn’t smile much. It’s something he rather likes about the man, that he prefers to save his pleasure for that which is truly worth it - but there’s nothing else he can call the expression that briefly narrows those blue eyes. “Reacting like that in front of a friendly tiefling?” he says - teasing, almost, and Essek feels his stomach flip. “I am not so sure.”

Essek's time in the hot tub goes a little awry.

Wordcount: 3.3k

A/N: Fill for this anon prompt! (i’m so sorry for taking 2+ months to write this... i love Essek so much and he needs more tk content)

---

Essek is no stranger to being - unusual. He often welcomes it, really. Achieving a status such as his for the better part of a century comes with its fair share of eccentricities, his floating among them, and at this point hovering just above the rest of the Dynasty has become something of a favored routine.

And yet, it seems, the Nein have him beaten at every turn.

He had meant to take his leave directly after dinner, unsure of his place among Yasha’s solemn questions of loneliness and Beauregard’s transparent attempts to pry information from him and Jester’s threat to invoke a Zone of Truth for idle gossip -

(and the slight jealousy, he admits, if only to himself, of seeing Caleb, ambitious and focused and loved, among them - )

But. Lonely and friendless he is, as has been quite thoroughly pointed out to him through the evening, and he’s intrigued enough by the rarity of this hot tub to clamber up awkwardly onto the enclosing stone wall and dangle his feet into the water while his hosts bustle around and shuck off various pieces of clothing.

Caleb sits next to him, rolling his own pant legs crisply to the knee and lowering his feet in. “What do you think?”

He looks over - thank the Light, Caleb’s still wearing his shirt. “It’s - nice,” he says. He drags his toe through a slow stream of bubbles rising from what he assumes must be the hottest parts of the depths. “Unfamiliar, but quite impressive that you’ve constructed it on your own.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow. “The hot tub, or -” He traces a small circle with his index finger, encompassing himself and his companions. “- all of this?”

Decades of court experience well up unbidden on his tongue. “The compliment extends to you either way,” he offers smoothly.

Caleb squints at him, but before he can say anything more the rest of the Nein are joining them with pleased exclamations and a thoroughly distracting amount of splashing. Essek watches, bemused, as Jester flops in belly-first before even unbuckling the last clasp of her outergarments - she wrestles them off, finally, crumpling the dripping green cloak into a ball and flinging it away, and he winces on behalf of the fine Kryn fabric.

She looks around, eyes lighting on him, and her hands fly to her round cheeks with an excited gasp. “Essek! Your legs!”

Startled, he looks down - they seem quite normal, with his boots off and his neatly pressed trousers folded at the knee, if a little more purple than anyone else’s present. “I would prefer to keep my clothes dry, yes.”

She leans in, eyes wide. “Are they re-al?”

Light be with him - she’s hardly said anything, but he struggles not to flush under the scrutiny. “Ah, yes? Why should they not be?”

Just then, something brushes lightly over the sole of his foot - he startles, and -

His seat is well made, certainly, but not enough to stand up to the Nein’s shenanigans; as he recoils, his center of gravity shifts right off the narrow ledge and he’s tumbling backwards before he can do more than blink.

Light, if this is how he dies -

He flails for a solution - it’s been years, at least, since he’s done something so pedestrian as fall, and there are spells for this, certainly, but what he’s prepared for today is more showy fare, in case the Nein asked for a demonstration, why can’t he think -

A hand closes roughly around his bicep, then another around the opposite shoulder, and then he’s dangling from Caleb’s grip with his back nearly parallel to the floor - he reaches out too, panicked, and crumples the front of Caleb’s shirt in a death grip.

“Good reflexes,” he says, breathless. Blood pounds in his ears. Caleb stares down at him, blue eyes wide and jaw tight -

“Ooh, now kiss!” Jester hoots.

The rest of the Nein burst into laughter behind them. Caleb goes bright red and hurriedly turns away, looking over his shoulder. “One of you jokers come here and help me, please,” he chides, strained, “I am not the muscle of this group.”

The tension in Caleb’s face becomes infinitely more explicable - finally capable of rational thought, Essek flicks his fingers and casts a weight-lightening cantrip just as another strong hand latches onto his knee and bodily tows him upright. Yasha nods at him, chest completely bare, and wades back to her corner as Veth pops up from nowhere with her long ears twitching maniacally. “I’m SO sorry,” she screeches, insistent far beyond the point of sincerity. “I brushed against your feet COMPLETELY ON ACCIDENT.”

“VERY ACCIDENTAL,” Jester agrees loudly. Next to her, Fjord winces.

Veth’s voice softens, then, as she pats him gingerly on the leg. “I didn’t think you would do that - are you okay?”

“It’s all right,” he says weakly. Her ears droop in what seems to be genuine relief - it is pointless to care, perhaps, but he feels better for having reassured her.

He sucks in a solid breath for what feels like the first time in minutes and turns to Caleb to thank him. There’s still a guarding hand resting warmly against his back - and worse still, he realizes belatedly that his own hand is still fisted in the buttons of Caleb’s shirt.

He snatches it hastily away, ears burning. “Ah, my apologies. I shall pay closer attention to gravity, for the rest of the night.”

Caleb doesn’t smile much. It’s something he rather likes about the man, that he prefers to save his pleasure for that which is truly worth it - but there’s nothing else he can call the expression that briefly narrows those blue eyes. “Reacting like that in front of a friendly tiefling?” he says - teasing, almost, and Essek feels his stomach flip. “I am not so sure.”

A friendly -

Surprised, he glances over at Jester and finds her wearing a smug expression that might not be out of place on Da’leth himself, if significantly sweeter. “E-ssek,” she wheedles, wide-eyed with delight, drawing every syllable to its maximum extent. “Are your feet like, super ticklish?”

Essek blinks - ticklish? But he hasn’t - really, he can’t remember the last time he might have known. As a child, perhaps, when Verin used to tempt him into playing by tackling him straight off his feet and -

Oh. Oh, dear.

At least that particular piece of evidence is decades out of date - a poor excuse to discard it, but he’s willing to compromise in the face of Jester’s ever-sharpening grin and the traitorously pleased squirm in the pit of his own stomach. “What? No, of course not, I was merely surprised-”

“You can be surprised and ticklish,” Jester corrects, skipping forward with a splash. Essek shirks back into Caleb’s hand, millimeters from tumbling off the ledge again, and she giggles. “And I’m pret-ty sure that you’re both.”

The hot tub, for all of its excellent qualities, is unfortunately not large enough to keep her at bay for longer than that. She reaches out as he’s still deciding which direction would be the best to flee in and scoops his ankle up in a grip like steel. “Ah-” he sputters. “I - Jester, wait-”

She drags a fingernail up the arch of his foot.

It feels like one of the few times while developing a lightning-based spell that he’d electrocuted himself - but the feeling doesn’t stop, shooting up his leg and tickling at his lungs too to make them shiver, and it’s silly, and he just -

He panics, jerks back against Caleb’s hand again, and in a moment of brash stupidity the animal instinct of his brain decides that the only safe place to hide is Caleb himself. He buries his face in Caleb’s side and grabs him around the waist just in time to shriek as Jester repeats the same lazy route up and down the sole of his foot, pausing only to scratch tingling patterns into his heel. “Tickle, tickle! Aw, guys, he’s so ticklish, look at how much he’s laughing!”

The fabric of Caleb’s shirt isn’t much of a barrier to Jester’s teasing - or to his own ticklish laughter, embarrassingly high-pitched and loud in a way that makes his whole face heat with shame - but at least they can’t see him blush.

Caleb jumps a little as Essek latches onto him, but his hand stays put, stabilizing, and starts to rub gentle circles on his back as Essek dissolves into cackling at another spidering assault on his arch. “Jester, please be gentle,” he says, amused. “I am not sure that is a good idea.”

Essek’s not sure how he feels either. It’s terribly embarrassing, and undignified, and if this was happening in front of any other being in the Dynasty he would have to learn some sort of memory erasure spell, but - the Nein have never cared for his layers upon layers of decorum anyway, have they, always prying for indignation and confusion and warmth that he’s not certain he even possesses.

Caught between Jester and Caleb and a vat of hot water, with the rest of the Nein making relatively amused noises behind him, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt warmer.

Jester just laughs. “I’m barely doing anything!” she teases, shaking Essek’s leg lightly. “He’s just so sensitive - oh, Essek, is it ‘cause you never walk anywhere? Is that why your feet are so soft and tickly?”

He’s giddy, even with the sudden reprieve, giggling too hard to speak. “I - ha - I dohon’t - ehe-”

“Of course it is,” Beauregard says smugly from a distance that seems far too close, “waving all those secrets and magic over our heads and he’s hoisted on his own fuckin’ petard-”

“What’s that?” Caduceus asks. Essek vaguely remembers the term to describe some sort of bomb, but Jester chooses that moment to send her mischievous fingers exploring under his fucking toes and it tickles like absolute hell. He shrieks even louder than before, if such a thing were possible, and makes a solid attempt to burrow his way straight into Caleb’s ribcage as his entire leg jolts in involuntary protest. No amount of desperate attempts to flex or curl his foot make the sensation any more bearable - it’s like the sucking feeling of a Teleport spell, like everything inside him is unmoored and floating in a sea of mirth and the only way he can get any of it out is to scream.

His cheeks hurt and he realizes, suddenly, that he’s beaming.

Jester cackles. “Come get his other foot, Beau,” she urges, easing off to just pinch his big toe between two fingers and wiggle it. “He totally loves it, he’s not even kicking-”

“Uh-huh,” Beauregard says, and there’s another splash. “Maybe I will.”

Caleb’s still rubbing his back - he stops, briefly, and from his huddled position Essek feels that Beauregard has jostled his other side on her way past. “His feet might be worse than yours,” she murmurs. He can hear the grin in her voice. “Better hope Jes doesn’t remember and go after you next.”

“Don’t remind her,” Caleb says, strangled. It’s remarkably friendly for Beauregard, though, and Essek is once again caught up in the paradox of this little group - merciless but fiercely protective, reluctant but trusting. It’s hard to be regretful - or wistful, maybe, one of those feelings that twinges in his chest every time he thinks of the Nein nowadays - with Jester tickling her way up the back of his bare calf and cooing over the way it makes him wriggle. But his heart, a traitor to the last, manages. There are so many secrets between them still.

Beauregard seizes his other ankle, hauling it up from the water, and he realizes for one terrible moment that if they were to, say, force him out of hiding and keep tickling, he might be inclined to spill some of them. “Scoot over, Jes,” Beauregard says, and there’s a squeak that, for once in the evening, doesn’t come from him. She chuckles. “Good thing he’s not trying to tickle you back, huh?”

He expects Jester to sputter and redirect her, as he would, but she sounds entirely unconcerned at the prospect. “Oh, Beau, do you want to have a tickle fight? We totally could, after this-”

“No,” she says, not entirely drowning out the little panicked noise that Caleb makes. “Not the kind of wrestling I want to do when half of us aren’t wearing shirts, if you know what I mean-”

“Beau!” Jester shrieks, giggling. Fjord groans loudly from the other side of the hot tub, and Essek, still squirming, is very sure that he’s blushing enough for it to show on the back of his neck, under his high collar. “Who do you want to wrestle with? Is it Yasha-”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, moving on.” Beauregard interrupts hastily. There’s a popping noise that takes a second for Essek to place as her cracking her knuckles. “Hey, Essek - you think you’d trade another favor to get us to stop?”

Essek flails for something resembling a complete sentence as Jester’s fingers curl teasingly behind one of his knees. “Nngh - heh-”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She squeezes the back of his other knee, barks out a laugh as he jumps. “Jes, stop messing around, let’s get his feet.”

That makes him kick, but at this point his entire lower half is restrained - all he can do is take one last breath before fingertips are scribbling over both his soles and he’s cackling so forcefully that his laughter peaks into agonized wheezing with each fresh gulp of air. “Hhh - ha - ahahaaaa, hA -”

Caleb shifts a little, bending until one of the strands that always hang stubbornly loose from where he ties his hair back brushes the tip of Essek’s burning ear. Essek shivers. “You can tell them to stop, you know,” he murmurs.

Essek’s almost entirely sure that he’s crying into Caleb’s shirt, tears leaking from squeezed-shut eyes as Beauregard and Jester torment his feet, but Caleb seems - fond, oddly - as he starts to rub his back again. “They’re not trying to be cruel - I believe they’re just excited that you’ve. Ah. Lowered yourself to our level, perhaps.”

And what level is that, Essek wants to ask, suddenly conjuring a mental image of Caleb in the same throes of helpless laughter. But he’s barely capable of that, as he’s currently dying, so he just tightens his grip on Caleb and shakes his head. He can barely even register Jester and Beauregard’s teasing anymore - he doesn’t think he can speak right now without embarrassing himself even more if he tried.

“Fuck, alright,” Fjord says abruptly from somewhere miles away, “I think he’s actually crying now, the Dynasty is going to have our heads if we break him.”

“He wouldn’t let them, he’s our friend,” Jester trills, but she does stop tickling, ghosting a hand up over his heaving shoulders to pat him gently on the head. “His ears are really purple though, like magenta purple, I think he’s blushing.”

For some reason - perhaps because he can finally think - it strikes him, fighting through the warm and pleasantly tingling haze of being touched and gentled back into himself, that as much as the casual label of friend pleases him he cannot afford this kind of vulnerability.

“Or suffocating,” Beauregard says a moment later, dropping his foot unceremoniously back into the water. “Thelyss? You alive in there?”

And, a beat later, when he doesn’t reply - “Are you just, like, smelling Caleb now?”

“Gross,” Veth squawks. “Get him off, get him off!”

Caleb smells quite pleasant, actually, but that’s not the point - his self-awareness is slowly trickling back in as he remembers who and where he is, and what he’s done to the Nein, and now they’ve broken him and he would rather die than look any of them in the eye for the next year.

Caleb pats his back. “Come on, friend, chin up.”

And he’s right, Essek can’t afford to cling to this veneer of comfort any longer - but to his immediate and eternal shame, he whines and nuzzles further into Caleb’s ribs. Just a moment to gather his wits, maybe, and he’ll be able to Misty Step to the front door and don his mantle-

“No? Alright, then - I’ll go to work too, if I have to.”

The hand on his back lifts away and walks itself on two prodding fingers neatly up under Essek’s arm, gently wriggling into the hollow until he can’t bear to keep his arms up any longer. “Nnn, hnn! - eheh, thahat’s - enough, please-”

It’s. It’s not, is the problem - he tries to stir up anger, distaste, but there’s only fear. He would deal with this indignity again, suffer it gladly, even, just to have them speak to him kindly. It’s new, and terrifying, and he needs to think it over alone with a generous glass of wine in his tower.

He shrinks back in on himself, still snickering at the tickling under his arms, and Caleb takes the opportunity to grab him neatly by the shoulders and sit him back up - Essek catches a glimpse of his blue eyes shining with rare merriment and promptly swivels to look away from all of them. No one stops him as he rolls his pant legs down and shoves his feet into his boots, heedless of the damp. He can feel their curious gazes prickle on the back of his neck - shifting into an unconscious competence that’s carried him through many anxieties before, he’s already floating off the ground before he can remind himself otherwise. “I’m going to go now,” he says, rushed, still too terrified to turn his head. “Thank you, I -”

“Essek, wait!” Jester says, confused, and Beau scoffs, and he’s not going to think about how he can recognize their voices without even seeing them, he’s not -

Yasha’s voice, at last, breaks through the hubbub, and it’s only in deference to their conversation before dinner that he pauses to listen.

“Hey,” she says, quiet and certain enough to shake him. “You said that you’re lonely, right?”

The noise fades away. He inches down to the ground with it. “Recently, yes,” he replies, just above a whisper, fighting to keep his voice steady with the enormity of this, this feeling -

“I didn’t say so before,” she continues, perfectly calm, “but it’s a little scary, right? To not be so lonely, anymore.”

Essek says nothing - he knows, without the mantle, that they can all see the slight tremble of his shoulders.

“Go away, then,” she says confidently, and then, hastily, “oh, no, that’s not right -”

“Yasha,” Jester squeaks, horrified, and Essek, to his own surprise, laughs. More of a chuckle, really, but. That’s a relief, after all this.

He can place her roughly in the rightmost corner of the hot tub, turns just enough to catch her heterochromatic gaze in his periphery. Her mouth drops slightly open before she gathers herself. “I just, I meant -” She inhales nervously. “I used to leave all the time, to go do - things - and come back when I was ready. You can do that too, if you want, we won’t mind, as long as you come back. And the tickling - we’re all ticklish, you don’t have to feel bad about it - ah, maybe someone else should say something.”

Caduceus pats her shoulder. “Nah, that was pretty good.”

Essek agrees, despite his better judgment. He rolls his shoulders, forcing them loose. “No, no, that’s - helpful,” he assures, and then, taking a deep breath and praying that his cheeks have cooled, he turns to look at them all. “I am to show you my abode tomorrow, yes?”

Caleb looks extraordinarily stressed. “Ah, you don’t have to, if you would rather-”

Beau punches him in the shoulder harshly enough to make him wince. “Yes.”

“Yes, and breakfast pastries!” Jester cheers, clapping her hands together - he’ll have to talk to his staff tonight.

“Until tomorrow, then,” he says, and spares only a brief smile before casting Misty Step to take him to the door and then again to the street.

He’s not quite ready to lose all his dignity, yet.

[les-amis-against-napoleon]

Les Misérables Tag

I made a Les Mis tag!

Rules (if you are tagged and choose to do the tag then please list the rules at the beginning. Thanks!):

1. Tag whoever created the tag.

2. Tag whoever tagged you (if the answer is the same as number one then just skip this).

3. Answer the questions.

4. Create ten questions of your own and tag 10 people.

5. Have fun!

Here be my questions (which I also will answer)

1. When did you first see/read Les Mis?

I've seen several Les Mis movies throughout my life, but only around last year did I see the musical one. I LOVED IT. I SOBBED OVER IT. I BECAME OBSESSED WITH IT. So obsessed, in fact, that, as most obsessed people do, I resorted to reading the brick. *coughs and proudly waves her six-pound copy of it*

2. What does it represent to you?

Liberty, fraternity, equality. *grins* Also, the quote "To love another person is to see the face of God" is super accurate to how I feel about it, I guess.

3. If you could meet any one of the characters, who would it be and why? (it doesn't have to be your favorite character)

Courfeyrac is my number one favorite character, but...I think I'd wanna meet Eponine. She's had such a hard life, I just want to hug her and tell her that the fandom loves her (well, for the most part).

4. If you could ask Victor Hugo ONE question about the brick, what would it be?

WHY DID YOU KILL ALL MY BABIES

5. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how obsessed with Les Mis are you?

I'm a 12.

6. Change ONE thing about Les Mis. ONE. THING. (For example, you aren't allowed to bring ALL of Les Amis back to life. You have to pick one of them).

If I brought Courfeyrac back to life, he'd be sad and lonely and friendless (except for Marius, who is a bit of a wimp, so...no).

I guess I would change where Fantine is thrown out of the factory and basically loses everything. I know that Cosette and Jean Valjean needed each other, but Fantine’s life getting worse and worse is so sad. :(

7. Name your favorite character and a food that describes them.

Courfeyrac. He can be described by a jellybean. Or a potato. Or a muffin.

8. What are some things you've done that your favorite character would definitely do?

I’ve waved at people for hours while in the car to see how many people wave back.

I fail miserably at pranks.

I wrote a letter to my family's van when I was small and hid it under one of the seats. (The van was very old and we were getting rid of it and I was sad). The letter basically said I would never leave the van or forget about it even if everyone else did.

I’ve petted a toad before.

9. How does your family react when you talk about Les Mis? (ie, annoyed, angry, sad)

They get extremely amused. When I go off on a rant about Marius' dumbness, say a random fact about a cast member, or snicker about how Victor Hugo dedicated like a hundred pages to sewers, they just listen and smile in vast amusement.

10. What is your number one Les Mis ship?

E N J O N I N E

Ok, now I’m going to tag some people! If you choose to do the tag, don’t forget to list the rules, make your own questions, and tag ten people at the end! Also, please note that just because I didn’t tag you doesn’t mean I don’t love you all! that was sappy but whatever

I am tagging:

@the-oh-in-24601

@dollarstorethomasjefferson

@dauntless-sakura

@i-ll-be-the-moon

@awkwardspacesoda

@song-of-angry-bread

@you-are-constance

@theenjoninecollective

@a-little-fall-of-pain

@absoluteyeehaw

Along with anyone else who wants to try it!

I think I got all the tags right but if I didn’t then you know what I meant. Enjoy! :D

[psychic-refugee]

I’ve been seeing some posts that claim Audrey was possessed by Maleficent’s staff and is totally absolved from anything she did.

I disagree. I haven't read anything from the extended universe that specifically says she was possed, but if there is please feel free to correct me. I am going solely by the movie.

While it’s clear that the staff “called to her” both figuratively and literally (during Queen of Mean we literally hear it call “Audrey”), I don’t think there was any possession. Audrey had been declaring herself as a villain since she was in the cottage. She went specifically to the museum to steal the crown. This is all before getting even near the staff.

Then I would be the leader of the dark

And the bad

They're gonna bow to the Evil Queen

Your nightmare's my dream

Just wait until they fall to my wicked schemes

She clearly had some sort of plan before she even noticed the staff. What those plans were, I don't know. I assume it wasn’t magic related since she didn’t have any at the time. I think her sleeping spell and turning people into stone came more from opportunity that the staff granted her.

Something's pulling me

It's so magnetic

My body is moving

Unsure where I'm headed

All of my senses have left me defenseless

This darkness around me

Is promising vengeance

The price that I'm willing to pay is expensive

There's nothing to lose

When you're lonely and friendless

So my only interest is showing this princess

That I am the queen

And my reign will be endless (endless)

It’s obvious that the staff is luring her in, but the italicized portion depicts her willingness to do evil. I think it indicates that she’s not only a willing participant, but she’s aware that she’s going into a dark path and she chose to accept the darkness.

Further, when she wakes up from her coma, she never tries to plea that she didn’t know what she was doing. She admits that she was hurt and angry, and that she was lashing out. Audrey never tries to deny responsibility, and I don’t think we should take that away from her. Her finally admitting that she was hurt and angry is character growth.

I think the moral of the story is that actions and words have consequences. Mal and Ben not coping to their actions caused Audrey to feel alienated. Audrey lashed out, and a lot could have probably been avoided if they all talked about what happened.

If we put the total blame on the staff, then we’re also removing blame from Mal and Ben. If Audrey is possessed, then it wouldn’t have mattered what Mal and Ben did, the staff is to blame and not them.

We need to let Audrey own her anger and what she did, in turn Mal and Ben have to own to their part in what made Audrey angry.

[archadianskies]

i would not ask and neither would you

@dbhrarepairs ​ Saturday Day 6: Wedding Day + Fantasy; Game of Thrones AU RK900/Simon

“A Stark?” 

“Yes, a Stark.” Lady Amanda echoes, brows furrowed and barely holding back a scowl. 

“A Stark son, Grandmother?” Ronan keeps glancing at the raven’s latest scroll in his hands as if by sheer will he could change the words on it.

“The Lannisters wish to humiliate us! Both of us!” She scowls this time, scowls and throws her hands up in frustration before pacing by the window. “They mock us with their godsforsaken peace treaty terms but if we are to avoid them sacking both Highgarden and Winterfell then we must bow to their whims.”

Ronan frowns, running his thumb across the red ink. 

Ser Ronan Tyrell is to marry Simon of House Stark 

“I am proud of what I have built. What Elijah and I have built: a House not of blood relation but one of wit and grace.” Amanda closes her eyes, pausing in a patch of sunlight streaming through the window. “You are my grandsons in all but blood, and too much blood has been spilled already for me to consider spilling more. I am a prideful woman but I am not prideful enough to let my people be felled to uphold it. You will marry the Stark boy, Ronan. You have no say in this matter.”

*~*~*

Ten winters ago, Simon spent a cycle in Dorne to learn their scholarly ways. He remembers the stifling heat, heavy and oppressive, soaking his clothing to his skin. He remembers the sparkling waters of the sea, and the many water fountains at Sunspear. He remembers Carl Martell and Princes Leo and Markus. He remembers Markus’ wild nest of tight tight curls, he remembers his blue and green eyes, he remembers his constellation dusted skin like burnished copper. He remembers Markus’ smile, handsome and dashing, with a demeanour like the Knights of Old in the tales Simon read over and over and over. Such memories had kept him warm during the winters that passed. 

He leaves for Highgarden now, for a foreign land which maesters have told him is a little like Dorne only fairer and more lush instead of dunes of sand and the sprawling sapphire sea. Highgarden is a land of grain and greenery, of hills and blooms. Highgarden houses the Tyrells, a peculiar yet prideful House known for producing Knights. A House helmed by Lady Amanda, Queen of Thorns, known for her striking beauty and barbed words. The Tyrells bear no relation to each other, family by title only, which Lady Amanda boasts is far superior than lineage through breeding. She has chosen her family, from her ‘son’ Elijah, to her ‘granddaughter’ Chloe, to her ‘grandsons’ actual brothers Connor and Ronan- whom Simon is to marry. As part of the peace treaty to secure the cooperation of all Seven Kingdoms, he has been betrothed to Ser Ronan Tyrell.

It is a farce, a mockery of marriage for their union will produce no sons- no Tyrell sons, no Stark sons. No children at all. It is to break both their lineages, though Simon supposes Lady Amanda can simply add another grandson if she so pleases. Simon has no such luxury- with his twin brother disgraced and sent to the Wall, and sister Emma till far too young but fated to be taken under the mantle of her betrothed’s House, he is the only Stark left to produce an heir. House Stark’s name will end with him. 

*~*~*

“ Simon ?!” North snatches the scroll from Markus’ hands. “They’re making Simon marry a Tyrell boy? The Iron Knight is going to marry our Simon?!” 

“It’s part of the terms for the Peace Treaty.” Josh says sagely. “Lady Amanda Tyrell and Lord John Stark have agreed on behalf of their sons.”

“Some icy prick is going to marry our soft idiot, Josh, you really need to be more upset about this.” North kicks his boot, teeth bared in a snarl. “I’ve heard no one’s even seen the Knight crack a smile, he’s so cold blooded he doesn’t feel happiness.”

“That can’t be true, North.” Markus chuckles softly, plucking the scroll from her fingers. “He’s human like the rest of us, and I’ve met his brother. Surely they can’t be so different?”

“Still.” North grumbles, sitting on the edge of his desk. “Dragging Simon down from Winterfell to marry some poncy flower Knight is humiliating.”

“Both Houses have put their people before their pride.” Josh points out, smile patient. “It’s very admirable both Houses are choosing to unify rather than challenge for the throne and pay the blood price.”

“We’re invited to the wedding.” Markus pats her knee. “And I have accepted. We leave for Highgarden in two days time.”

*~*~*

The closer he grows to Highgarden, the farther Winterfell becomes. With each layer of warm clothing he sheds, the more exposed he feels. The air changes, feels heavier and hotter instead of thin and sharp. He feels alone, so alone.

Highgarden is magnificent, truly, and Simon marvels at his surroundings. Everything is green and lush and plentiful, and such colours he hasn’t seen for a decade. It’s enough, just, to quell the nausea in his belly and the anxiety pressing heavily on his chest. By the time he reaches the castle grounds he’s down to a simple blouse and tunic, even forgoing breeches for some light hosiery. He hasn’t been this undressed since Dorne.

The Tyrells are strikingly beautiful, and so varied in their beauty too. Lady Amanda, Queen of Thorns, is dark skinned and stern with her black hair intricately braided and piled on her head. Lord Elijah is tall and lean with dark hair half shaved, and icy blue eyes smudged with shadow beneath. Lady Chloe is soft and fair, golden crowned and eyes like the summer sky. The brother Knights Connor and Ronan are tall and handsome; Connor has a mop of delightful brown curls and puppy-brown eyes; Ronan is the Iron Knight, pale and sharp with stormy grey eyes, and dark hair combed back from his face. 

“Highgarden welcomes you, Simon of House Stark.” Lady Amanda greets him, and Simon bows deeply in response. “Let’s get you settled into your new home.”

 *~*~* 

Ronan cannot even fathom how Simon must feel- the only son of Winterfell left and he’s to marry a Tyrell Knight not a Lady of a major House to carry on his name. He must feel so alone, so friendless in a foreign land. His betrothed keeps his eyes downcast, cheeks pinked ever so slightly in a way that makes Ronan’s heart skip a beat. He cannot dare to dream that Simon will come to love him, no he must do his utmost best to ease this great burden from his shoulders. That’s what he is- a burden, and he feels pity, such pity, that Simon Stark is to marry him. 

“These are your private quarters,” Ronan explains as he sweeps an arm to show him around. “We share this small common space for breaking fast and evening supper together, and I’ve had books brought up to make a private library. I know you schooled in Dorne, so I thought you might like to read in private.”

Simon is quiet, brows drown in contemplation. “Are we not to share a bed?”

Ronan feels his own cheeks heat. “I would not dare decide what is best for you, betrothed of mine. You have your own bedroom, and I have mine, and if you want- if we are to-”

“That’s very kind of you.” Simon interjects quietly, smile polite though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you Ser.” 

“I have a gift.” Ronan blurts, striding ahead and showing Simon to his bedroom. There is a basket on the bed piled with soft blankets. And in the basket are a puppy and a kitten fast asleep.

“Oh!” Simon gasps, hands flying to his mouth. “ Oh !”

“I know you will be lonely, having no one from Winterfell here.” Ronan explains with a smile. “But I thought to ease such a burden by gifting you some friends.”

“Oh, Ser…” Simon sits by the basket, reaching down to gently touch their soft soft fur reverently. The baby creatures stir at his touch, opening their eyes and making curious sounds and straining for more of his touch. “Oh they’re ever so darling.”

“It is tradition in Highgarden for people to keep cats inside for mousing, ensuring mice do not disturb our graineries, and dogs in the yard for loyal guards.” Ronan feels his chest puff slightly in pride at the sight of Simon’s sweet smile. “These two come from a proud lineage of mousers and door keeps.”

Simon laughs, and the sound startles them both. Ronan feels his cheeks ache as he smiles, and Simon shyly smiles in return.

“Thank you, Ser Ronan. I will love them both.” 

And me, Ronan thinks distantly. Please love me too.

*~*~*

“Are you not used to such clothing?” Simon squeaks in surprise, dropping the blouse he’d been holding and turning to discover Lady Chloe in his chambers. She’s stunning up close, he discovers, with her golden tumble of hair crowned with blossoms. Chloe stands beside him and holds up the sapling green muslin blouse, cuff embroidered with blue Tyrell roses. 

“Not for some time, Lady Chloe.” Simon answers with a small smile. “Though I was schooled in Dorne and I daresay the people there wore even less.” She tips her head back and laughs prettily.

“I love Dorne, though don’t tell grandmother that.” Chloe giggles, rifling through the drawers. She pulls out a vivid emerald green suede tunic embroidered with climbing blue roses all up the side, and a pair of fawn hosiery. “Grandmother has somewhat of a friendly, fond rivalry with Carl. Wear this to dinner, you look good in rich greens.”

“Your family are very generous, gifting me all these clothes.” Simon ducks his head, rubbing his thumb over the delicate embroidery. “Mother had some made for me to bring here but us Starks aren’t as colourful as you Tyrells, my lady. And our clothing is made for far cooler climes.”

Chloe eagerly hefts open the trunk placed at the end of his bed, shooing away his new curious kitten and puppy from diving in. She pulls out a few pieces in the austere greys and charcoals of House Stark, and gasps in delight when she discovers the inks and sapphires of the Tullys. 

“These are your wedding garments? Oh Simon they’re lovely. Look at these fishscales! And oh there are wolves here!” She sighs dreamily. “Our tailors have worked day and night on the wedding cloak, I promise it’s ever so beautiful.”

It doesn’t matter if it’s beautiful or not, Simon thinks distantly though he makes sure to smile. I am being married off to a man, there is no greater disgrace.

There is a banquet to celebrate his arrival in Highgarden, and he is seated beside his groom to be. Ronan cuts a handsome figure in deep blues and golds, and Simon takes a moment to admire him. He has not been cruel, not yet. Simon hopes this isn’t an act, a carefully calculated act to lower his defences. He hopes he can be happy here, hopes he can learn to love blossoms and mouser cats and small door keep dogs. He aches for his felled Direwolf who paid the blood price for something she hadn’t done. He aches for the life he once controlled. 

“Are you alright, Simon?” Ronan murmurs softly, hand just shy of touching his. “You seem lost in thought.”

“It is a lot to take in, Ser.” It’s a half lie. “The grandeur of it all, I mean.”

“This is grandmother’s version of a ‘small intimate dinner’. Our wedding will be far grander in comparison.”

“Do you ever tire of it?” Simon asks, gaze distant. “The smell of roses?”

“Yes.” He confesses. “Sometimes when I sleep I feel like I’m being buried alive and will suffocate to death.  They put it in everything- rose oil. It’s in the clothes, it’s in the linens, it’s in the bathwater. I am a Tyrell, I probably bleed rose oil.”

Simon laughs, causing the rest of the family to perk up in interest. He quickly ducks his head, cheeks aflame. “I’m sure if you were to cut me I wouldn’t bleed at all. There’s nothing but snow inside of me.”

“I’d never hurt you.” Ronan vows, closing his hand over his. “Never, my dear.” 

Ronan accidentally catches his grandmother’s eye when he glances across the table. She nods in approval, but he takes no pride in it.

“You’re right about the bathwater.” Simon stands in his bedroom door, hair damp and skin pinked from heat. The smell of roses rolls off his body, heady and cloying. Ronan approaches him, stopping a polite distance though he wants nothing more than to be pressed to him skin to skin. 

“I warned you.” He keeps his tone light and playful, and Simon laughs. He’s dressed in nothing but a long muslin sleep shift, the fabric light and airy and tantalisingly translucent. 

“You did, good Ser.” His voice lowers, softer as he peeks up at Ronan through his pale lashes. “I came to bid you good night.”

“Good night, Simon.”

“Good night, Ser.” A pause, and Simon dares to lean closer and gently brush his fingers to his cheek. He whispers his name and it sounds like a prayer. “Until the morrow, Ronan.”

*~*~*

Simon supposes they are a good match- he is as close to a good wife in all but body parts. Their father had always invested more pride in Daniel than in him, had always trained Daniel to be head of House Stark before something in Daniel snapped and he almost killed their little sister in his demands to be free of the burden of leadership. Simon spent his days raising little Emma, and picked up domesticities from being around the serving staff. He can cook, he can mend leather, he can take up hems, he is clever with his numbers and well versed in the written word. He can even embroider. Perhaps with time he will learn how to embroider blue Tyrell roses, and adorn his husband’s shirt cuffs and collars with them. Perhaps he can wrap a wolf around his husband’s cuff and wreathe its head with a crown of thorns. If he proves he is useful, perhaps his husband will love him.

Lady Chloe seems to find his company amusing, and he finds her at his side often. 

“After you’re married, you and Ronan should come visit Elijah at Hightower.” She picks at blouse sleeve curiously, tugging at the embroidered Weirwood leaves. “I live there most of the time, but I’ve come here a little early to help prepare for the wedding. Elijah will make the journey down soon, and we can leave together!”

“What is Hightower like, my lady?” Simon asks as they meander lazily through the courtyard.

“Oh it’s stunning. The views are breathtaking.” Chloe smiles, closing her eyes to picture it in her mind. “Elijah and I tinker away there. If you’re lucky I’ll be able to convince him down to actually share meals. If it weren’t for me I’d wager he’d forget to eat entirely!” They share a laugh and Simon appreciates her friendly, cheery demeanour. She knows how to press a little, but not too much, to encourage him out of his quarters. 

“Oh! Ronan!” Chloe bounces a little as she waves her brother over. “Come show your fiance the gardens. I promised grandmother I’d help her with something.” She ushers Simon to his side before nimbly darting away.

“What a scheming little devil.” Ronan says dryly, and Simon laughs.

“She means well.” He smiles fondly in her direction, watching as Chloe slips back into the castle. 

“I won’t show you the rose gardens, I don’t care much for them.” Ronan shakes his head. “Someone will show you that soon enough. But there’s somewhere else I’d like to take you, will that be alright?” He offers his hand and Simon doesn’t hesitate to take it.

“Of course.”

They take two horses out for a short ride further down the castle grounds until they reach some sort of secluded cottage on the edge of a forest.

“I think a groundskeeper used to live here.” Ronan explains, helping Simon off his horse. “But they left long ago. Connor and I found this place already vacated when we were boys. It’s our little hideout.”

Simon thinks morbidly if Ronan wished to slit his throat, he could do so and none would be the wiser. They’d simply think the Stark fled, trying to avoid the marriage. But the Lannisters would demand the terms be fulfilled and the only Stark left would be his sister, still unflowered and far too young to leave the side of their mother. 

When Ronan opens the door, Simon expects a derelict, dusty interior. What they step into instead is a simple yet lovely home. A curious meow calls by his feet, and Simon looks down to see a fluffy tortie cat sniffing his boots.

“This is Minnie, the mouser for these grounds.” Ronan’s lips twitch up into a grin briefly and Simon bends down to coo at her. “This place is yours now too, Simon. If ever you feel like everything is too much, take solace in this small slice of privacy. It is yours whenever you so desire.”

He’s kind , Simon realises. He’s kind and thoughtful and is nothing like the icy iron they nickname him.

“Thank you, Ronan.” Simon smiles in gratitude, and Minnie seems to meow her approval.

*~*~*

It’s a soft, mild day when the Dorne contingency arrive. Prince Markus rides boldly at the front of the party, flanked by his lady warriors North, Echo and Ripple. It’s been ten winters and Simon swears Markus has only grown ever more handsome. He finds himself on the opposite side now, greeting the arrivals rather than arriving to be greeted. He stands beside his betrothed, dressed in the Tyrell colours though a Stark sigil is pinned to his tunic. The small silver wolf brings him comfort, gives him a piece of home in this faraway land. 

“Prince Markus, welcome to Highgarden.” Lady Amanda greets as Markus swings off his horse and nimbly jumps down. His bow is graceful and fluid, brilliant copper riding cape sweeping forward.

“Thank you for housing us for the wedding, Lady Amanda.” He smiles and oh, it’s as dazzling as Simon remembers.

“How fares your nefarious father, Markus?”

“Oh he’s still causing mischief I assure you my Lady.” Markus grins, before gesturing behind him. “My warriors three, North, Echo and Ripple ride ever at my side. My brother Leo has also made the journey, as has Sunspear’s great scholar Joshua to document the wedding.”

“You are under the protection of House Tyrell, welcome.” Lady Amanda nods. “Come, you shall be settled in to your quarters.”

Simon’s heart skips when Markus meets his gaze and offers him a smile.

“Hello Simon, you’re looking well.” His hands are warm as they clasp his in greeting.

“Th-thank you Markus. As are you.” 

“It’s good to see you. I was hoping you’d visit Dorne some time. We’ve missed you.”

“I’ve been…busy.” Simon answers lamely, shoulders drooping. ‘Busy’ with his family breaking apart and his other half being sent to the wall and his father’s great disappointed looks. 

“Markus would shrivel up in Winterfell, that’s why he never dared to visit you.” North elbows his side playfully, leaning to kiss his cheek. “He’s too soft, too pretty.”

“Hey!” Markus protests, making Simon laugh.

“It really is good to see you, Simon.” Josh smiles in that gentle patient way of his and Simon cannot help but smile in return. He slows his pace a little, falling behind just so he can match Leo’s step.

“Hi.” He greets softly, and Leo gives him a lopsided grin, puffing a few curls out of his face.

“Hey Simon.” He embraces him tightly, and Simon rests his cheek on Leo’s shoulder. Oh how he’d missed him. “So uh. You’re getting hitched to a Knight, that’s pretty fancy.”

But I want to marry a Prince, Simon nearly screams . I want to marry the Dornish Prince Markus. I want to be Simon of House Martell. I want to live in Sunspear.

“Listen, a Knight absolutely is a step up from a Prince.” Leo teases when they part, patting his shoulder. “Princes- we just have the title. Knights? They earn their Knighthood. And the best place to live is here in Highgarden; good natural defences, plentiful grain and beasts, gentler climate.”

“Leo, I appreciate you trying to comfort me about my betrothal.” Simon offers a pained smile. “I’ll be alright, truly.”

“I know you’re biased but my brother is the absolute worst.” Leo rolls his eyes. “Ser Ronan the Iron Knight? Absolutely a step up.”

“Leo that’s horrible!” Simon laughs helplessly. “Don’t say such things!”

“I said what I said.” Leo declares haughtily.

 They spend the afternoon roaming the castle gardens, and Simon allows himself to pretend this is nothing but a schooling trip for them all to explore Highgarden and learn their ways. Markus makes him laugh often, and North loops her arm through his, and Josh strides his purposeful stride and Simon feels like they’re ten and five winters again and certainly not staring down war. He carefully memorises every moment and bottles them up in his heart, saving them to carry him through all the sorrow to come.

*~*~*

Simon asks to pray in the godswood the eve before his wedding. Connor tells him their godswood differs from others, and he isn’t sure how until he sees not one but three weirwood trees entwined so intricately they seem like a thick tower. The Three Sisters, they are called, but Simon only aches so deeply for home, for a life he lost of brother and sister and him to make three. Connor gives him a respectful distance, stepping back out of sight to allow him privacy to pray. The tears slip his cheeks the moment his knees hit the ground and he bows his head. Simon prays for mercy, for courage, for strength. He prays for his brother’s safety. For his sister’s patience. For his father and mother’s acceptance. When he finishes praying he dries his eyes as best he can before rejoining Connor so he can be led back inside.

“My brother is not good with people.” Connor begins as they walk. “Well, no, it’s more that he has trouble being social. He is good with people but only once they are willing to interact with him in earnest. The Iron Knight is an awful name.” He sighs heavily and Simon frowns, looking at him.

“How so?”

“It’s the result of hearsay spreading,” Connor explains as he leads Simon through the winding paths. “My brother seems cold and cruel but he isn’t. He’s a ruthless warrior on the battlefield but he’s nothing like that off it. I know you have been displaced, forced here but a step higher than a prisoner. But my brother is kind and good and soft and gentle to those he loves. You do not have to love him in return, no one can ask you or force you to do that. But please let him take care of you. He won’t shame you, he won’t hurt you. I know this much.”

They stand outside his door and Simon thinks he too would defend his brother this much. But Daniel held his sword to their sister’s throat and in the end love was only enough to save him from execution, and have him banished instead, breaking their family forever.

“I will try, Connor. Thank you.”

They marry in the castle sept with its enormous stained glass windows of the Seven. The marriage cloak is embroidered with handcut linen roses, each petal edged with gold thread and covering the entire garment from the neck to the enormous trailing hem. It glistens with a thousand tiny glass beads that twinkle in the light. Ronan recites the vows and gently eases the cloak around his shoulders and the weight of it catches Simon by surprise. It’s heavy, as heavy as the scent of rose oil mixing with the incense smoke. It feels like Simon is dying slowly, like he’s being smothered to death but he will not cry, no. He will not disgrace his family further by weeping here, and will not scandalise his new family with such dramatic behaviour. He is a Stark, he can be brave. He must be brave. 

Ronan very softly presses their mouths together and Simon closes his eyes, thinking suddenly of Connor’s words the night before, kind and good and soft and gentle to those he loves . Simon tilts his head slightly and leans in, catching Ronan’s lips to prolong their kiss before he can pull away. His hands find his and Ronan gently rubs his thumb over his knuckles. When they part, his new groom is blushing and Simon realises he is infinitely endeared by the sight. 

Alright , he thinks, I will try to love him too.

*~*~*

There is no maidenhead to claim, so after he helps Simon out of his wedding garments, he politely bids him good night. They have feasted and danced and he knows Simon must be tired.

“Are we not to share a bed?” It’s the same question asked but a week ago, and still the question makes heat pool in his cheeks.

“Usually the purpose of a wedding night is to claim a Lady’s maidenhead and sire a child.” He mumbles, his cheeks feeling even hotter. “This is not the case for us. I wish you pleasant dreams, husband.”

“Hm.” Simon hums thoughtfully, pulling the door shut behind him and simply crawling into Ronan’s bed. “I should still like to spend the night with you.”

“I-if you wish to.”

“I do.” Simon chuckles softly, burrowing beneath the quilts. After a moment’s pause, Ronan climbs in after him and blows out the candles, leaving the moon to stream light softly through the window. He dares not move, and their breathing is the only sound until it’s broken by a soft little trill. 

“Ford?” Ronan blinks, sitting up. Another little trill, followed by a few little chirps. “Ford, are you under the bed again?” He leans over the side and reaches under the bed, fumbling for a moment before gently pulling a fluffy cat out from beneath. Simon sits up, smile bright as Ronan places the cat in his arms. “This is Ford, he’s a blind cat I rescued as a kitten and hand-reared.”

“Hello Ford.” Simon nuzzles the soft dark fur, eliciting another happy trill. 

“I’m not sure Ford really figured out how to make proper cat sounds, but I love him all the same.” Ronan scritches behind one ear, the feline purring loudly in response. Simon giggles softly, slowly sliding back down and placing Ford atop the quilts.

“I will do everything I can to make this life bearable for you.” Ronan vows, and the moonlight blanches Simon’s cornsilk yellow hair into white gold. He’s beautiful and soft and everything Ronan doesn’t deserve. “I know this is not the life you want, but I will try and make something good out of it.”

Simon says nothing, just gazes at his face in quiet contemplation. After a moment he leans in and kisses him, and Ronan swears his heart is beating loud enough for the entire castle to hear.

“Then we will be good together, husband of mine.”

[tara-l-blackmore]

Words

I've struggled with putting this anywhere. I started writing it in emails, on Twitter, on DeviantArt, even on Dreamwidth. I've stopped each time. I'm pretty sure this won't even go up, but let's see.

I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with people, right now. I'm lonely, and miserable, and yearning for friendship, but I cannot handle it. I cannot handle dealing with people, no matter how close I am to them. This includes – yes – people I consider to be family. This includes by family, even. I have lost contact with dozens of people that I’ve sworn never to lose contact with – or they have chosen to lose contact with me – and it's starting to… affect me.

All I’ve been able to do is write. I can't talk. Or if I do try to talk, I fuck it up. I have no been open with how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been going through, and why I've avoided people I don't want to avoid. I don't want to talk about myself, so when I talk to people, once they ask about me, I end the convo or change the subject. I can't take it. I don't want to fucking talk about it.

But here we are. You're reading this, clearly, because you want to know what's wrong with me, for whatever fucking reason. Fine you want to know? Read on. If you don't? Stop reading and please stop asking me. I want to make this clear that I’ve kept this shit to myself because nobody cares about problems like I have. I think. If you're reading this, you're not nobody. Whatever, anyway.

My pain started getting worse two years ago, so I had my gallbladder removed. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should not have done it. Because now, I’m worse off.

Since 2017, my health has been progressing into worse and worse problems, to the point that medications no longer work on me, save high doses of morphine. I'm not allowed to be on morphine, anymore, save dire emergencies in the ER (it's the only thing that stops the flare up). During these pain flare-ups, I want to die. I can't deal. I can't even think. All I can do is lie on the couch and cry, zoning out on YouTube. It's especially gotten worse since I quit smoking, but not enough to start, again.

The night I missed my niece being born, I broke. I lost it. I lost my patience with this illness of mine. I ended up missing one of the most important moments of her life, spending it in a hospital two hours away, being ignored and mistreated and mocked – and then ignored. It severed something mentally.

Since then, I haven't been okay.

I've ruined my own birthday, twice; the day of was spent sobbing over vaccinations. The day of the party was spent in misery, because the party had nothing to do with me – I was being used as a ruse to make it about Ellie – and when I left, the party went on without me – what I thought was the entire idea, that I'd been used for these reasons. And to be honest, I still don't know what happened after I left, because no one told me. No one thought to. No one cared enough to, it felt to me.

I started drifting more and more away, only now by people I speak to online, either through chat or phone calls. I stopped being able to deal with talking to people one-on-one, because emails gave me time to think about what I had to say, instead of speaking on the fly and hurting people. Only it still didn't work.

My depression was also getting worse. I needed more and more attention, more reassurance, in a world that is more and more making me feel adrift and left behind. When I was able to catch up, I merely discovered how much I kept missing, how happy people are without me around their ankle. I realised how many people I’ve been holding back for years, and it almost killed me.

I tried to explain it to those people I ignored, tried to explain that I’m broken, I’ll never be what they deserve or need, and that they need to walk lest I keep fucking them up further. I tried, but whatever I said was overlooked because I was a good person before now. I keep trying to explain that I’m not a good person, anymore, because the pain is making me insane, and I don't know how to deal with people, anymore, but… nobody's listening to me…

So this is my last try. This is what I should have said when any of you started to be my friends. Look at the people who've already walked, and you'll notice that I’m the common bad variable, and nothing else. I know that many of you want me to hang around because of what I was once like. And honestly, I miss what I was like back then, too.

But then, June 2017. It was the start of the end. The injections. The dozens and dozens of ER tests and humiliation and abuse. The money and ignorance of the hospital staffs (when told what to do to help and how fast it would help me if they just did it). People online, people offline, seeing me disabled and seeing a brat.

Over the past four years, I’ve been a part of the Undertale fandom, a game that saved my life and a fandom that kept me living, and I met so many of you, cared about so many of you – but somehow shoved you all away. The more you cared, the more I ran away.

Why? Because I deserve to be alone.

I've said this, many times, in different ways, but I’m told I’m wrong, when I’m right, and it hurts. So I stopped talking. I made it obvious that I’m not worth your time.

Because I didn't want to explain what was going on.

My medications aren't working, anymore, so they keep switching them. Now, they're switching my antidepressant, and it's… bad. It's very bad. I have to taper off my current med, then start from scratch with the new one, and the decrease is making my depression stronger. I haven't been able to speak on the phone or even go out (save mandatory doctor visits), and I keep taking everything personally and crying over everything. Three times, I’ve convinced myself that Terry is going to divorce me. It's bad.

Because of it, I don't know what's up or down, what's true or false, and no matter how much I trust someone, I still feel like all I am is someone to be pitied, and I would rather never be pitied, but either loved for who I am, or hated for that same reason.

And that's because I hate myself for feeling this way. I have been secluding myself to both punish myself and prove to you all how unreliable and gross I am.

A lot of you are younger than me, and have enough to deal with. I'm also aware that a lot of you are young enough to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to people. But what I’m doing is inappropriate. The things I complain and beg advice for are not appropriate. I treat you like shrinks, forgetting your age and your own lives and problems and issues.

It makes me sick, my selfishness. And I can't fucking deal with it.

So I’ve been staying away, save angry tweets and angrier YouTube comments. The rare times I reach out usually end worse off than when I did before I reached out, so I have learned not to.

And finally, for the very last time, I must say this: I know I am immature, I am stunted, I am behind the times, and I cannot fix it. I try to, by using all of you like the scumbag I am, and not bothering to listen to you or help you. I cry my problems, then run away the second you need me.

I'm so tired of it. I can't do this to people, anymore. I've been trying to gradually disappear, save stuff that keep me sane (fanfic and comics), and while many of you keep me sane, I’m tired of using you that way, too.

I know this is me mind-reading, as many of you will say. But, I’m sorry, this isn't that at all. This is me paying attention to what is being said and shown to me, and now, I get it.

Please, please, please stop insisting this isn't so. The fact that every time I mention it, it's left ignored, and often shamefully so, and that angers me. I pour my heart out, explain, answer the questions I’m being asked but it's ignored, only so that I can be asked for help that I just finished screaming myself raw that I can't help anyone the way I am, anymore.

My brain refuses to listen to kindness, anymore. It refuses to accept that anyone wants to bother with me, because on one hand, I’ve been given shameful proof that I’m absolutely right in my sad assessment. But on the other, I’m aware that a few of you are sincere, and do mean what you said.

But I can't tell the difference. I need help. I need real help, a kind that I need before I can even dream of being a good friend or a kind person to any of you. I can be nice, be complimentary, be honest in my affection and happy feelings for you, and all is sincere. But I have deep difficulty believing the same from you, to me, because of my pain and my depression. I know many of you with depression understand.

But why don't you give up on me…? Why can't you see that I’m right, that I don't blame you for giving up on me, because all I’ve been is a disgusting person, even at my most well-meaning.

I don't even know why I’m bothering posting this, here. I don't know why I’m posting it. I just think it's time to put words to feelings I couldn't put words to, before now.

I'm not trying to be friendless. But I’m trying to be worthy of friends. So far, I cannot see myself there, yet. So many of you have a real life to live, true futures within your grasps; what the hell are you doing still talking to some middle-aged pathetic loser and wasting your time on the internet that way? There are better places to visit on the internet than any place to do with me, personally.

I get wanting to want to read my bullshit stuff. I'm flattered. But no, you don't need to be my friends, no matter how pathetic or lonely I am. That's my problem, not yours. You are all young, and happy, and have your own hurdles to overcome. I write that stuff to provide an escape for you and for me. That's all that you need to know about me, really.

I'm not saying that you cannot be my friend anymore. I'm not saying you're not allowed to speak to me. I am saying that it might take me time to answer, or to do what you asked of me, etc. I am saying that thanks to my increasing mental illness, I am no longer a good person to be around, at least until the problem is rectified.

I actually don't know what I’m saying, honestly. I don't want to be alone, but I’m tired of bothering people who do. I don't like spending my days alone, but I don't want to harass people with better things to do. I'm tired of being what no one wants and tired of being unwanted once people discover the real me.

I'm a garbage person. I hate myself.

And you deserve not to have that in your life.

That's all.

I'm sorry.

[anubianpagan]

By order of the [REDACTED] Organization this communication has been declassified for wide distribution to the public, deemed a necessity by the [REDACTED] Organization, should the entity be discovered again.  This is not a hoax. To protect the identity of the deceased, the name has been redacted.   If the entity described is identified, do not engage.  Inform government authorities immediately.  

We are always listening.

Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2016 10:37pm (MT)

From: [REDACTED]

To: [REDACTED]

Subject: Please warn everyone!

Have you met her?  

  My name is [REDACTED], I’m 24, I want to record my experiences here since it seems this is the only way to warn everyone and tell my story.  I’m sorry.  I tried to call but I cannot connect to anything, the lines always go dead, so my last course of action is to try this email.  I don’t know where I am.  I was at a Halloween party, I live in Fort Collins, Colorado, I am a student at CSU, I major in Biology.  I’m recording this on my smartphone, I’ll email this to my teacher, he’ll believe me.  I’m scared, constantly I can hear silence, the wind rustling in the trees, the silvery threads coating the underbrush. Those spiraling pillars gleaming around me.  I hear chattering in the dark shadows, I try and stay near the sunlight as much as I can.   There’s no animals I can see or hear, save the chattering, no birds, not even insects or fish.  I’ve been here for only a few hours and I’m terrified.  I didn’t come here alone, a bunch of us were led here, I’m the only one left.  

I don’t think I’m in Colorado anymore, the plant life here is similar to rain forest plants I’ve studied, but they are different.  No...that’s not important…What is important it to warn you of her, she’s like a spider leading you into a trap...

   I met her at the party, she was beautiful, lavender colored hair, olive skin, her eyes the most vibrant purple, she was curved in every way that was perfect.  She smelled so good...I arrived with my roommate Carlos at the party around 1pm, it was just getting started, pizza was piled high for the party goers, drinks were copious at the open bar, I avoided them, I can’t digest alcohol correctly due to my medical condition.   Everyone was in costumes, having a great time, I dressed as Jukrat, my favorite Overwatch hero.  Carlos came with me dressed as a generic Dracula, he didn’t come for costumes but to get laid.  She was dressed as Zelda.  She singled me out of the crowd and sat with me, she flirted, being the anxious nerd I am, I stammered in conversation, but she laughed at my dumb jokes anyway.  It felt good, it felt like she saw me, the rest of the world fell away.   Usually I am ignored, or made fun of, few girls talk to me because I’m awkward.  I hated it.  Carlos hung around us for a bit but he wandered off when she lost interest in him, I guess he felt insulted.  Carlos was, as he put it, a “pussy-whisperer”, lol, idiot.  She introduced herself as “Shirely”, but now I know better, that’s not her name.  I won’t record it, for it will open the doors for her again, and I have limited time before this one closes and I lose connection.  

     We talked for hours about my environmental activism and climate change, she was really interested and had some views I didn’t agree with, we debated and it was fun, she was having a good time, I was having a good time.  For the first time I really felt heard, seen, like I mattered, it felt good.  It felt like I had a connection with someone, I usually feel alone.  “Shirley” understood, she said she knew what it was like to feel alone, friendless, where she lives she doesn’t have many friends and longs for some.  That’s why she came here, to CSU, to make friends, she said she came from a small town in Ohio where nobody liked her.  I thought this was impossible she was gorgeous, smart, funny, and witty, how could no one like her?  It was around 8pm when I noticed the time, we’d been talking non-stop for hours and didn’t notice.  We went and got some water, she doesn’t like alcohol either.  

She led me deeper into the house past scores of kids as the party really turned up, music blaring, and laughing, shouting, fighting, couples ravenously making out in the halls, typical college party.  She led me into an abandoned bedroom, my heart was pounding.  She closed the door and asked me if I liked her and wanted to...ya know...it’d been a good while since a girl had wanted to do anything romantic or sexual with me so I eagerly shook my head nervously in agreement.  She smiled and started to undress, the natural response to being exposed to such pristine nudity took hold of me.  She sat on my lap, I was shaking I was eager and nervous at the same time, anxious.  She straddled me and we kissed, she was so warm and really took the reigns of the encounter.  She tasted like sugar and flowers, she smelled like lavender, it was intoxicating.  We did the deed, it didn’t last too long, maybe 45 minutes...but I felt high the whole time, like I was drugged.  I liked it.  I can’t remember much of the incident, which bummed me out after it was over, like a dream.  We dressed and she asked me if I wanted to see something really cool. Feeling groggy and euphoric I agreed lazily.  She took me by the hand and led me to a different room up the stairs where the party sounds were much more quiet, muffled as if far away.  This didn’t make much sense given the geometry of the house, but I was not in a state where I cared.  “Shirley” took me to a room at the back of the upstairs, the master bedroom.  I thought to myself, ‘she can’t wanna go again can she?  I still haven't recovered from last time yet’,  if only it had been that simple.  She pulled me by the hand inside, revealing the room to have occupants, five girls and seven other boys.  They all stared at us, smiling at “Shirley”, happy she returned I started to apologize for invading their privacy, but “Shirely” cooed me to be quiet and started introducing me to them.  They were apparently other people she’s met tonight and she said I was special like them.  She wanted us to all be friends, to be with her.  

The way she said it sounded so inviting, so nice, I wanted it more than anything.  I felt myself weeping, we were all alike, ignored and lonely, friendless people who wanted to connect.  “Shirely” connected with us, each of us, made us feel welcomed, loved, like we weren’t alone.  Now we were all in this room together, I looked around and they all looked pretty attractive, I felt like the ugly one out.  “Shirely” went to the other side of the room and sat down in an upholstered chair, like a throne for a queen. We all stared at her as if awaiting a command, my mind was still foggy but, I felt like I belonged here.  “Shirely” smiled at us, telling us to ‘get to know each other’.  Everyone started pairing up, I was pulled into the huge bed by three other guys and a girl.  Normally I wasn’t into dudes, but somehow, none of that mattered, I wanted them, and they wanted me.  It felt so good to be with them, to be loved and wanted, something I never felt, it felt right.  I’m embarrassed to say I cried during it, but nothing else mattered, no one judged me for crying, for feeling happy.  We all traded partners as time went on, clothes littered the floor as we all were enraptured in an orgy of need.  We all  needed it, not for the carnal joys but for the sense of belonging, the need to be loved, to feel loved and wanted.  That’s how we all related, we were all sad people who no one cared about, but in this moment we cared about each other, and loved each other...and her...That’s the trap, how she chooses “friends”.

After a while “Shirely” said it was time to go.  We were all compelled to gather our belongings and follow her, obediently.  I felt the need and desire to go with her, but I wanted to leave.  I had exams to study for and I stayed way longer than I wanted too, but I couldn’t control myself, my mind fogged again, I remember she led us to a different room and handed one of the girls a book, it was purple and filled with strange writing I couldn’t focus on.  She said it was time to come home, to where we belonged, to where we could be free and loved.  I remember we all stood in a circle around “Shirely” as she undressed.  The girl with the purple book read the words, which sounded so far away, I couldn’t focus, it’s so hazy.  The room shook for a moment.  Then the door opened, “Shirely” told us to leave the book behind and follow her.  The door smelled like lavender and other flowers like roses and honeysuckle.  I tried to fight my body but we all went inside.  I caught a glimpse of one of the guys I have been with, he was scared too, I understood, none of use could control ourselves.  The doorway was brightly lit, and as we passed through it we were brought face to face with a massive cavern entrance.  We were outside, it was brightly lit, around noon, naturally we were all confused.  The sky was orange, and our surroundings were jungles.  We all seemed to snap out of our haze and began to panic, where are we?  How did we get here?  What did “Shirely” do to us?  

“Shirely” giggled and went inside the void-like mouth of the cavern, it’s interior was pitch black.  We started to wander in with her, what else could we do?  It was so dark. “Shirely” vanished into the midnight cave, leaving us all surrounded by darkness, and only the mouth of the cave remained our connection to the world outside.  We heard a clatter and some noises above us.  We all started to get nervous and anxious.  We couldn’t see anything.  Suddenly people were shrieking and dragged away in the dark, rapidly, three of the girls and two of the guys scream in the distance along with some sort of hissing or clattering sounds, followed by gurgling and wet crunches, which progressively traveled away from us, further down the dark tunnel.  We all panicked and ran out of the cavern, into the daylight.  The noises didn’t follow us.  

It was clear now, the haze in my brain was gone, this wasn’t our world.  We wandered into the jungles towards the white pillars in the distance by a huge lake, a path was cleared through the jungle to the lake.  The jungles near the cave bloomed with beautifully colored flowers of alien design and compositions.  Grady, an older man, probably around thirty-seven, led us, we were all frightened, but he tried to keep us together.  We needed the stability, and he was very strong of character, or at least bossy and seemed very dominant.  I remember he had been so during our...time together in the room.  The pillars clearly were a city, the material felt like coral, rough and calcified, all entrances were along spiral platforms that encircle the structures.  They looked like gleaming fangs from the distance, piercing the green jungle, the surface of structures seem enameled.  Their formation didn’t resemble a naturally grown form or even carved, but rather...sculpted...Not unlike a wasp makes a nest, but this wasn’t paper.  The air was humid.  We didn’t want to go inside any of them.  Grady was brave and adventured inside one of the buildings, he remarked it was full of odd furniture, silver cobwebs and thick layers of dust covered everything.  Grady emerges a few minutes later informing us to check other buildings for supplies.  We do but find nothing, whatever happened here, it has been abandoned for a very long time.  

I was checking a building with a guy from Massachusetts, named Ralph, he was nice, he wore glasses like me but was tall and rather muscular.  He pulled me close and started kissing me, which I didn’t resist.  Ralph was very handsome and strong.  I felt safe with him.  He whispered he was scared of this place but at least we could be alone for a bit, at least we could feel love, there was a faint purple glimmer in his eyes.  It weirded me out and yet I couldn’t stop myself.  I felt love for him, for all of them.  I don’t know why.  An hour later we rejoined the others, hiding our indiscretion from them, almost in shame from excluding them.  Thoughts crossed my mind that we shouldn’t have run from the cave, but it was Ralph that voiced this.  A few others agreed with him while Grady and I resisted this.  We reminded them of what happened when we went in there when we arrived, silencing the dissension.  They hung their heads like scolded children.  I remark this because their behaviors began deteriorating at this point.  They argued and whined about the cave before Grady yelled at them to shut up and fall in line.  They were silent for a time, but later snuck away, and we caught sight of them re-entering the cave from the distance, followed by the screaming.  The others were terrified beyond reason. They started running off into the jungle away from the cave, as if it was safe.  Whatever is in the cave, is in the dark shadows here.  We could hear the screams from the darkness in the jungles’ dense canopies.  Grady, myself, a man named Richard and a girl, my age, named Abigail are the only ones left.

The day is fading now.  The others wandered off to find food with makeshift weapons from implements we scavenged here.  I’m sitting by the lake, the days here are short it seems, and the shadows are long now.  I don’t know if they are coming back.  I’m scared.  I want to go home, even back to my empty, sad little life.  I want to go home but there is no way back.  Somehow I’m still connected to the wifi so I’m sending this in the hopes it makes it back and people can be warned, anyone, everyone.  Warn the government, the army, everyone...if you see this girl, avoid her and don’t accept her offers.  I postulate her effects are either a pheromone she exudes or some kind of natural organic compound in her saliva that disarms people and drugs them into the suggestible and euphoric state.  I can’t explain the book or the words opening a door to this place, that seems like science fiction or some kind of hellish Lovecraftian story.  

This being why she smells like lavender and flowers.  She is a predator, feeding on our loneliness and pain, our desperation to be loved and wanted, perverting it into a game to lure us into the dark.  If I wasn’t so terrified I’d be fascinated and want to study this phenomenon, and the creatures I hear around me, and in that hateful cave.

Don’t end up like us.  I don’t know what’s going to happen when the sun is gone here.  If those things will come...if I’m going to live.  I’m crying, and yet I can still smell her.  I can hear her voice in the distance beckoning me into the cave to be with her and the others. “Shirely” won’t stop whispering in my head, it’s getting louder, begging me to come to her, I want to go to her...I don’t know if I can resist or the things will get me.  I hear them in the jungle.  They are coming.  I’m going to leave my CSU sweatshirt here tied to a tree and my phone on the table next to it, in case others come here, they will know they aren’t alone.  Maybe they can escape.  

   What’s important is to warn people, everyone, that she’s out there and if you see her, avoid her, don’t talk to her, don’t let her touch you, and whatever else you do, don’t open that book!!  Tell my family I love them...I’m sorry.

[REDACTED]

Sent from my iPhone 7

[pyou]

My eating disorder Q and A

Pictures and stuff in my blog, text here.

As there seemed to be much interest in ED topic, I looked up some questions to maybe explain this illness better in my own way. The following questions have been collected from a variety of actual therapy sessions, so it should be interesting. I haven't read them through and I suppose this stuff makes no sense. Also, if you happen to have further questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

What have you lost to anorexia/bulimia that most saddens you? - I haven't tried new foods, new restaurants; I haven't taken "all" from hanging out with friends, because ED thoughts are so strong and make me worry. I have missed out on my own life, missed making memories.

Do you think it is fair that anorexic/bulimic lifestyles make people so lonely, friendless and isolated? - If course it is not fair, but yes, I agree it makes people lonely, friendless and isolated. I can barely handle my own company, not to mention having people deal with me - this worries me daily.

In what ways has anorexia/bulimia affected your relationship with yourself by telling yourself that you are not worthy? - The thing is that I feel like I am on control when I lose weight. I feel like "ha, see that? I am so strong, I did that, I dropped some more weight". And failing in doing so I feel bad and not worthy. This is seriously fucked up?!

Who in your life have you lost because anorexic/bulimic rules demand so much of your time? Do you think this is fair? - I wouldn't say I have permanently lost someone. Well, maybe one of my best friends, but her goodbye to me dealt with other stuff as well, for example me being too depressed. Also, according to her, we "grew apart" so she didn't put it on my ED, though considering the last time we saw each other, it may have played a part.

If anorexia/bulimia is your “friend” then why does it talk so badly about you? - It is not a friend, it is... as weird as it sounds, kind of like a hobby?

Would a good friend do this to you? - I feel like.... okay, this is going to sound super weird, but like she is taking care of me, saying "but if you lose some weight or donõt eat, later you can have all the cake, ALL the candy, so that is worth it, right?" The thing is, this "later" never comes.

How is it that anorexia/bulimia tricks people with promises of safety while it silently takes them away from everyone who loves and supports them? - It is literally the aspect of control. You think you are in control and having control is powerful feeling. Actually it is the other way around - you are being controlled.

At which time of the day are you most anorexic/bulimic free? - In the evening. You restrict all day (even though in my case I do eat three times a day) or do not eat that much, so in the evening you are finally "allowed" food.

How were you able to find this freedom? - By restricting throughout the day. Or working out, or even just walking. Having super low calorie meals.

When you string together your victorious moments away from anorexia/bulimia, what effect does it have on the anorexia/bulimia? - It gets stronger. Leaving hospital has made my ED so much more worse, as I did gain a little weight. I feel bad, as if ED is a parent and I am a kid that did something wrong.

What rules of anorexia/bulimia did you eventually have to break in order get your life back? - Eat more. Eat proper meals. Not freak out about eating out. Enjoying life. Saying yes when someone offers you something.

Unfortunately I didn't find too many questions (or perhaps this is a good thing), but this gives a small overview of my situation.

[toaquiprashippar]

To those who say Jonerys will never happen in the books, just a quick reminder Dany has been dreaming of him, even if she has not seen his face yet...

Lying abed in her narrow bunk, she found herself wondering how it would be to have a man squeezed in beside her in place of her handmaid, and the thought was more exciting than it should have been. Sometimes she would close her eyes and dream of him, but it was never Jorah Mormont she dreamed of; her lover was always younger and more comely, though his face remained a shifting shadow. Daenerys, ACOK

He was who he was; Jon Snow, bastard and oathbreaker, motherless, friendless, and damned. For the rest of his life –however long that might be– he would be condemned to be an outsider, the silent man standing in the shadows who dares not speak his true name

Jon, AGOT

The flames crackled softly, and in their crackling she heard the whispered name Jon Snow. His long face floated before her, limned in tongues of red and orange, appearing and disappearing again, a shadow half-seen behind a fluttering curtain.

Melisandre, ADWD

Jon’s face and presence is often referred to as being in the shadows, he’s always been the outsider, watching the Stark children play and even if he did play himself sometimes, he tried his best to avoid irritate Lady Stark, so he kept it to himself, as the bastard he was pained to be. 

Melisandre’s visions of him, from R’hllor himself is described as Jon’s shadow hidden...It’s not SO subtle how he’s always referred to be hidden there. 

A quick reminded that when he died, she listened to Ghost’s cries...from across THE NARROW SEA...

“Jon fell to his knees. He found the dagger’s hilt and wrenched it free. In the cold night air the wound was smoking. “Ghost,” he whispered. Pain washed over him. Stick them with the pointy end. When the third dagger took him between the shoulder blades, he gave a grunt and fell face-first into the snow. He never felt the fourth knife. Only the cold … “

Jon, ADWD

“Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely, but no less hungry. As the moon rose above the grasslands, Dany slipped at last into a restless sleep.“

Daenerys, ADWD

These chapters happen at the same time, how can Daenerys Targaryen, in Meeren, listen to Jon’s murder at the Wall, North of Westeros, if not for the bond they have...without ever meeting. Call it soulmates, fate, whatever you want. Martin does not use words he does not think necessary nor he adds information that the story does not need. If you ever read one his books, you’ll know he’s sharp and everything means something, even the puzzles and riddles thrown our way. Daenerys heard his soul, Ghost’s cries (perhaps his own, warg ones), and she felt sad over it, not even knowing why.

A reminder that when Dany was at the House of the Undying, she only saw important, relevant things. Not only to herself, but to the realm: the rape of Westeros, The Red Wedding, the madness of Aerys Targaryen demanding to burn Kings Landing, Rhaegar and Elia talking of Aegon and his promised song, the fake dragon (Faegon, am I right?), Hardhome, what her son’s future would have been like, White Walkers, Rhaegar’s murmuring a woman’s name right before he died (we all assume is Lyanna’s, I guess we’ll find out eventually), and there are others, but to me it means a lot that one of these visions is:

a blue flower growing from a chink in a wall of ice, filling the air with sweetness.

Daenerys, ACOK

Oh, she also sees the red door of the house she loved and she remembers growing up, and she believed it was in Braavos. She only had important sights for the realm and herself, yet she sees a blue flower growing at the wall (if you don’t think this means Jon Snow growing at the Wall, we can’t be friends and you can’t even read this, bye! JK haha...but come on, Lyanna is said to have loved winter roses, which are blue...the same ones that composed the crown Rhaegar Targaryen crowned her with, as The Queen of Love and Beauty at the Tourney of Harrenhal. Jon lives, works, serves at the Wall, it doesn’t get any more obvious than this, y’all...only if Martin wrote she saw a ‘hot northmen with gorgeous hair at Castle Black, really...”). 

(whoever did this second gif, thank you so very much, this is beautiful <3)

So not only does this shows how important Jon is to the realm (remember how her visions are all important, not only to her but also to Westeros? *inserts my theory of them both being AA* But he’s also important to her, the flower is not just THERE, it also fills the air with sweetness, it pleases her. Do I need to say more? 

This one is very meaningful if not very telling, to me. They both feel alone, like something is missing. One can even say “they feel alone cause they are alone”, but they were not. It almost feels like there is someone out there, a better match. 

Beneath her coverlets she tossed and turned, dreaming that Hizdahr was kissing her … but his lips were blue and bruised, and when he thrust himself inside her, his manhood was cold as ice. She sat up with her hair disheveled and the bedclothes atangle. Her captain slept beside her, yet she was alone.

Daenerys, ADWD

Jon wondered where Ghost was now. Had he gone to Castle Black, or was he was running with some wolfpack in the woods? He had no sense of the direwolf, not even in his dreams. It made him feel as if part of himself had been cut off. Even with Ygritte sleeping beside him, he felt alone.

Jon, ASOS

their story is a never ending parallel.

Not to disrespect Ygritte, cause I think she was necessary to Jon’s growth. She was a great character and I do believe Jon loved her, at some point. But just like Daenerys, this love was not a choice, it was almost like a survival choice, they made the best out of a bad situation. 

He had to be with Ygritte, or Mance would have killed him, he would not believe Jon had really deserted the Night’s Watch. Ygritte wasn’t Jon’s act of rebellion, like I once read at a meta, no, she was, at first, his sacrifice/way to fill his mission. But somewhere along the way, he fell in love with her, she was strong, funny, and she awoke the sexuality in him. Again, he had to be with her, to prove himself, but it also wasn’t like he didn’t like it. 

Daenerys loved Khal Drogo? Yeah, but it was as forced as was Jon and Ygritte. One can say it was even worse for she did not go willing, she was pushed into it, sold like a slave, to get her brother an army (we do have to thank karma cause his army never came, boo-ya, sucker!). She was given to a stranger, a savage (comparing to her culture; it’s funny even to see the parallel here, both had to be with people that are considered savages, wildlings where they come from) in return of an army, and she made the best of her situation, she learnt his language, his manners, bore his child (even if the baby never came to live), she fell in love with him cause for the first time in a very long time (or forever?), she was treated with care and love (the way Drogo knew how to love) by the man in her life. 

A sweet reminder of how Daenerys thinks of her family and how she would have married Rhaegar’s son, had he lived. Rhaegar’s son, who’s Jon’s daddy again? 

Plus, we’ve seen on the show that Jon was named Aegon Targaryen too, we do not know if he will have the same name on the books but I honestly do not think they would change something so important. 

So, just another beautiful “easter egg” to ya:

Five Aegons had ruled the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.  There would have been a sixth, but the Usurper’s dogs had murdered her brother’s son when he was still a babe at the breast. If he had lived, I might have married him. “

Daenerys, ADWD

Who says you still won’t, sweetie? Hold on, Melisandre will bring him back or he was warging Ghost, let’s just wait a bit longer, okay? 

Their journey is a never ending parallel, and their path is clearly to each other.

I don’t think the history is called ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ without a cause, Jon may be blood of the dragon, but he’s also a Stark, and Daenerys is a Targaryen through and through...

*the lord of light aka george r.r. martin speaks through melisandre*

I’m back to reading the books and even if I’m still at AGOT, I just felt like making this, had a really bad day and making this made it a little better. 

What are your thoughts? <3 

[loopmp3]

i just started uni again and i feel like i've already made a fool out of myself bc i keep avoiding the others (i have social anxiety), it's only been two days and i feel like ive already ruined my 'image'. i want to change but it's like i just bring myself to look people in the eye. idk what to do.. do you have any tips on how to make friends..? i cried both days after getting home, i feel like there's something wrong with me and i'll never fit in anywhere

angel 💘 to be honest, i am also someone who struggles to make friends due to my social anxiety and so i don't know if i will be of much help to you but i will try my best... when i started university, i felt the same way. i tried so hard to make friends at the start by faking it and trying to talk to the people around me but i think eventually the "real me" came out and so i started retreating back into my shell and i think everyone noticed this too and i sadly became that quiet person again... no one really spoke to me unless i did it first. there was a time when i had a couple of friends but this was when i studied language and found people who shared similar interests as me but we sort of drifted apart after i left that university. when i changed university to study nursing, it was sort of the same at the start. but then i was paired with someone who i found out was also filo like me and we bonded over how much we loved criminal minds and then we stuck together ever since then. we're still friends now... but i think the reason it was so easy to befriend her was because of all the things we had in common? i was lucky that we happened to be paired together otherwise it would have been the same thing all over again. i have one other really close friend who i worked with for a while and so we became close because of the nature of our job and basically bonded over how difficult it was to be a nurse doing our grad year... so i guess the common thing here is that the two close friends i have now are people i have a lot of things in common with which is our job... i want to say above everything else that it's honestly so hard to make friends as someone with social anxiety so please don't think there's anything wrong with you. i happened to be in the right place at the right time. but it's hard to make friends like that... i have always struggled with making friends. i've always been an anxious person but on top of that i am so painfully shy that i struggle to initiate conversations with anyone with the purpose of becoming friends... prior to becoming a nurse, i have been friendless for long periods at a time ever since i started school. it's hard enough to make friends when you have anxiety because your brain can convince you of a lot of things... but the fact that i was friendless for so long also kind of made me feel worse about myself and so this stopped me from trying to make friends even more so than usual... it was sort of like who would want to be friends with me if i'm like this? that kind of feeling? it can be a lonely feeling... it sucks and i am sorry that you're going through this as well. but you're not alone!!! i am here and i understand what you're feeling and i always have your back <3 and i hope that you don't think of your social anxiety as something that's wrong with you because it's not. we have to learn to work around it because anxiety is an ass and shouldn't stop us from trying to make friends. we can make all kinds of assumptions about other people or how other perceive us and this can be stop us from doing a lot of things... but honestly? people are so absorbed in doing their own thing and don't pay as much attention to us as our brains want us to think and i hope this can be a comfort to you moving forward. so whatever kind of interactions you've had at university, whether good or bad, believe me when i say that the people you interacted with have probably forgotten about what happened the previous day. i know it's easy to fall back on being fixated on what we did/didn't do but i promise you that people aren't fixated on it like we are as everyone has their own things that they're thinking about so i hope this will encourage you to start fresh the next day...i think that the easiest way to befriend someone is to find something you have in common with them as this will help the conversation flow. group projects, while i can't stand them, can be helpful in at least making some acquaintances. or if you're paired with someone, this will be helpful too as you're put in that position where you have to get along to make things work. have you tried looking at the clubs there too? if you're into reading, a book club can help you find similar minded people? another thing you could try is if you're sitting with someone and you notice something they have, you can bring it up? if their wallpaper is of a dog you can comment on it and from there you can ask about them about pets... i find that pets is a relatively "safe" topic to talk about. and people are always happy to talk about their pets when i ask people about them... i think for the most part people are willing to talk to you if you talk to them... i know it's easier said than done but see how you go. sorry this got long... but i empathise with you and i wanted to give you as much advice as i can because you honestly seem like a sweetheart and i appreciate how difficult it is to navigate through life with anxiety... i am rooting for you and i hope that you are comfortable enough to take some of my advice. making friends can be hard... you and i know this very well but i hope that you can make a friend / friends who will stay by your side through the good times and bad times... you deserve it <3 take care of yourself. and above everything else, please be kind to yourself. you are trying your best with the circumstances that life has presented you so don't be so hard on yourself. you'll be ok!!! you will find your place... it may take some time but you'll get there. sending you lots of love <3

[wannamakefriends95]

Loneliness is awful.I would love to find a friend.Please read everything and contact me If you need someone as much as I do.

Hello guys! 🙂 (read everything before you decide,to send me a message) Please send me a message ONLY If you're in the same situation and If your expectations are the same as mine.I want to find like minded people from Europe (Why Europe? Read my post to find out) I'm looking for something permanent

I'm fed up of being a loner (remember - you can feel lonely even If you're surrounded by others - If there's no emotional bond) and meeting people who never make any time for me & only text me once or twice a week to ask me "what are you up to?" Out of boredom.I don't want to meet people asking others a million of questions like "what's your favorite movie?" Just to give you one word answer and ask you another question "and music? Your favorite song?" I'm looking for something "deeper" & permanent 🙂

What kind of friend would I like to find? Someone to talk to on a daily basis - Someone who needs It & wants It just as much as me

Do you ever feel like an option? Like a stranger to others despite knowing them for months or years & talking to them quite often? Like there's always something and someone more important than you and you just..don't fit in and no matter what you do - your effort is never appreciated? That's exactly my life in a nutshell

I'm always the one texting people immediately (or at the very least trying to) no matter where I am and who I am with (family) others? Never

I'm here because I want to find someone willing to give me as much attention as I deserve - as everyone in my situation does.What are my expectations?

I would like to meet someone in a similar situation – why? Because I honestly feel like only a person with the same expectations and a similar outlook on life would get along with me & because I feel more comfortable talking to people like me..Someone friendless who needs a strong bond..Don't get me wrong…

Most people deserve to be happy and It's good to have friends but people who have friends in real life are usually more focused on them & have less time for others + I simply don't want to be replaced by anyone..I kind of envy people who can call others , true friends given I don't have an emotional bond with anyone and honestly? Whenever I hear that others have friends I simply get sad because (believe it or not) If I had to choose between 20 people to talk to (Acquaintances) and one special person - I'd choose that one special person without any hesitation .. I also want to talk to others on a daily basis mainly because..I want to see someone’s effort & be someone's first choice - not another person to talk to occasionally..Why I'd rather talk to people from my continent? I don't want to wait any longer than 6 hours to receive a message - Especially given most people are always available on social media sites & keep their phones in a pocket.Once you receive & open my message - get back to me (If you're as serious as I am & really need a true friend) waiting 6 hours to receive a message is more than enough

I'm by no means criticising people who don't want to talk to others often / People who really are super busy & People who want to find someone to have non important conversations with - I'm aware that not everyone has the same expectations which is why everything you're reading now - is here for a reason.

So please don't get my hopes up If you really are too busy or just simply - feel no need to talk to others,often & don't send me a message only out of boredom or sympathy or If you're another person in a different situation just willing to "help me"

Friendships should be natural – not forced.Both people wanting to be friends should feel comfortable and have something in common.

Listen people - I used to ignore being..ignored by others..always being just an option to talk to during tough times or moments of boredom.I was too young to realize that I was never important enough for most people that were a part of my life.

I don't know who needs to hear this but..No one is too busy to make time for you! People make excuses to avoid others because they prioritize everything and (maybe) everyone..over them. It's true that most people really are busy - but It takes only a few seconds to start a conversation (If you're into short messages) and a few minutes (1-10/15) to type a long message Don't let anyone lie to you.Truth is that most people either don't like you enough to make time for you or just simply - feel no need to talk to others often but are they too busy? No..

You don't need to send me a message just to ask me and tell me "Do you really want to talk daily? I like long messages but I can't promise to contact you often" If you really are unsure please don't send me a message.I don't need more acquaintances aka people to talk to - occasionally

I'm not trying to sound rude - I just don't want to meet someone new and get emotionally attached - only to end up being left alone after weeks or months of daily conversations.I'm sick of that never ending story and always meeting people who ghost me without a single word (even if everything seems to be ok) or people who "change priorities" over time & become like strangers…I don't want to go through this ever again.

Let me tell you one thing – A true friend would never just give up on you for no reason :)

It’s always possible to find someone to have a random conversation with – someone willing to send you one message once or twice a week..but..It’s almost impossible to find people willing to make time for you.I’m not asking a busy person to make time for me by changing some plans! Absolutely not! I’m here to find someone who wants to talk daily (throughout the day or maybe even night) of one’s own will.Someone looking for the same kind of connection.

Strong friendships are based on mutual support. One of the best things you can do for a friend in need, is just to be there for them when they want to talk.I often see posts from people who always say how friendless they are because they don't feel loved or appreciated by their "friends" remember! A true friend - someone who truly likes you or someone who wants to get to know you - will always find time for you. 🙂 I'm not really interested in small talk/short messages - I love long and meaningful conversations. It's so easy to find someone who loves abbreviations and questions like "How are you?" How was your day? Or what are you interested in? But so hard/almost impossible to find a person who knows how to keep a conversation going & show others some effort.Building and maintaining friendships takes time and effort.Never allow pursuits or possessions to become bigger priorities than your relations with other people.Close friendships are so important to us because they are so difficult to form + Having friends can help you feel as if you belong to something that brings purpose and connection to your life.

• I do NOT respond to any „Hey,hmu” or „u want to talk” type of messages (super short messages or messages full of abbreviations – I literally can’t stand abbreviations and acronyms in text messages)

• Please only adult people 18-36 age range (I'm 27)

• I don’t respond to messages I don’t find interesting (what I’m suggesting is that I don’t always respond to someone’s first or second message because..sometimes you just know If you’d get along with someone or not- I’d never ignore anyone after days or weeks of daily conversations) just because I don’t want to do anything forcefully & because I don’t want to lead anyone on.

• Don’t ask me “Can you tell me something about yourself?” If you really want to get to know me - you can ask me questions.

• It would be better If you guys were into emojis - just like me - just to describe your emotions through text.

Why can’t you see any of my interests listed down below? Because what really matters to me is..who you are (If you’re honest,talkative,understanding,caring and trustworthy – for example) just simply – It matters to me what you’re like! not what you like.Don’t get me wrong – you can tell me what you like or dislike but in my personal opinion common interests are important mainly when you want to find a gaming buddy (for example) or If you want to meet someone to hang out with in real life and..go bowling for example.What most people seem to care about are other people’s hobbies – I don’t. I get along with other people despite having completely different hobbies but I absolutely don’t get along with people way different than me (different exceptations and outlook on life– way different sense of humor or personality traits – It’s just an example) We ALL can choose what kind of people we’d like to talk to and maybe even become really good friends with and I? I don’t want anyone to be disappointed.We all have some expectations after all.

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on.Sometimes I feel like the only friendless person in the world I appreciate sensitive people who always try to understand others.Empathy is everything

Imagine never getting any messages from others..always waiting for someone to text you..waiting & waiting..spending most of your time at home (not by choice) I really wish I had at least one person in my life one person who would make me feel important.If you really need someone to talk to due to loneliness and If you have time to talk to me daily (throughout the day and maybe even night)I always make time for others.I'm literally always available.I could even stay up all night long only to talk to someone. I’m ready to commit but only If there’s some chemistry between me and someone else.I don’t do anything forcefully.

If you want to talk to me tell me your story - tell me why you're here what kind of friend would you like to meet :)et cetera

You can share your problems with me - I absolutely don't mind "complaining" as I've been through a lot in my life.What do people usually tell you when you tell them that's something's wrong? "Don't complain" or "Life's not over yet - one day you'll be happy" or "There are worse situations than yours" and..obviously "Find a therapist" Life's not a fairytale and sometimes things don't go as planned.Emotions shouldn't be bottled up.I'm sick of people always telling others "everything's gonna be ok" move on " & more..Trust me people - not everyone wants to hear "Just believe in yourself and everything's gonna be ok" Some people take it as reassurance. But others see it as false hope. Imagine being told that things will be okay, only for them to get worse..Do you guys know why telling someone "everything's gonna be ok" Is wrong? Because you can't see the future.You can't guarantee others that one day they'll finally be happy + when It comes to social interactions - We're only responsible for ourselves - not for others & as you guys know people let us down quite often (sometimes even when there's no reason) so instead of telling people how they should move on,forget everything and be happy or asking them to find a therapist - be there for them! Always be willing to listen to them If you really like them or want to get to know them & don't suggest everyone in a tough situation to find a therapist because a therapist won't ever replace a true friend + It's quite normal to be disappointed If people always do something to hurt you.Sharing your hardships with other people in a very similar situation or exactly the same one - is VERY helpful If the other person understands you & wants to start all over by just letting it all out & feeling emotional support instead of always hearing some "positive quotes" or someone saying "Stop complaining let's talk about something else"

Ps.I can't stand rude people and I definitely don't get along with overly sarcastic people.I’m not looking for any advice either :)

Our world needs more peace 🤗

If you want to contact me please download LINE (It's an app) and send me a message Empathy95 But even if you decide to contact me via Tumbrl - Please send me a Private message.No comments please.

Avatar - Karina - Aespa :)