#possible adhd/autism and all the stuff That Alone comes with

[minnieposting]

it just feels like i forgot how to be a person

[scrollypoly]

Life Update

I've been p inactive recently, especially with original posts and talking about my fic or headcanons or stuff. I kinda just wanted to talk about what's going on and what the outlook looks like rn ^^

For the past couple of years or so, I've been struggling more with what I believe is undiagnosed ADHD and possibly even autism, as well as depression and a rebound of my anxiety. This is due to a slew of things, one of which is we moved a couple years back to a new state where we didn't know anyone at all. It was a culture shock, going from a big city to a very small town (200 people!!), and while I liked the move to a more rural and peaceful area, it's not been easy.

What's been especially difficult is finding good jobs and keeping up with my college courses. My first job put me back in the closet essentially, as I would constantly be around coworkers making hateful comments and would even go so far as to harass customers that weren't gender conforming or even just decently dressed. I went from that job to working one that completely overworked me, from being yelled at for things out of my control, working long hours, and at some points not even getting my full paycheck. I left this job only a couple months ago, and I only worked it over the summer. But it was enough to completely shred my anxiety, and I'm still working on calming myself down.

All of this, coupled with the painful death of my grandmother recently, has left me feeling pretty much isolated and alone in my area, and I have yet to find good friends that I can talk to like I had back home. I still have those friends, but the persistent exhaustion of life, trying to juggle full time work hours with online classes that are a struggle for my brain, and everything else. Last month my brain just. Broke. I had been on a persistent slide of a breakdown and I was just hanging on until I could have a break.

I finally made that break for myself. Over the holidays I visited @benilos and gave myself a break. I have my next term of classes off, and I'm gonna be using the time to use my newly acquired health insurance and get 1. Diagnoses, and 2. Medication or some got dang therapy. That's the plan for now at least.

For the past couple of years now with all of this going on, writing and drawing havent really been priorities. Right now they definitely aren't, in fact I will probably be putting my fic on ao3 on a indefinite hiatus. My brain is too much of a fried egg to be able to write it, and I've been holding guilt at being unable to write for it or update it, to the point that right now I don't feel much happiness at the prospect of writing it. I won't be abandoning it, for anyone that reads it and is worried. But it is definitely going on the back burner.

In the meantime, you may see me posting generally about my AU or benilos's AU too, since we have an official crossover. I'll be trying to drum up motivation to begin working on it, and that'll come in the general vicinity of just. Talking about my stuff. Interacting with other people in this fandom still gives me anxiety spikes, iykyk, but my inbox on my side blog, and my dms are still open as well. Things are probably just gonna be slow for a little while.

If you've commented on my fic, or reblogged or liked any of my posts or art or writings, I appreciate you so much, especially if you reblog my stuff cuz no one reblogs anything anymore lol. Thank you guys for staying around this long 💗

[ira-407]

What is Aspie Supremacy, Actually?

A lot of people know what aspie supremacy is, but don’t seem to actually know what it means. For one, its origins can be traced back to Mel Baggs. It’s possible someone else used the term before sie did, but the framework for it that people are most familiar with originated with hir. Mel also coined autistic supremacy before that. They’re not necessarily one in the same, but I don’t think it’s bad to use them interchangeably, especially since one is often accompanied by the other anyway. It's a similar idea to the disability hierarchy and "My Mind is Fine" doctrine that preceded it, and is directly related to these things.

Autistic Supremacy is an autistic person acting like or outright stating they’re superior to non-autistic people. This often comes in the form of what was called “NT-bashing” in the usenet days. I personally don’t see it as different enough from Aspie Supremacy for the distinction to really matter, but it was something Mel came up with before Aspie Supremacy and is linked to it. Someone is an autistic supremacist when they make a space that is only for autistic people and they don’t even allow cousins in. Autistic spaces are important, but I think what makes a space autistic space vs. not one is who is in the majority, and moreover, who is in control. So I don’t care so much if it’s all autistic or not. I feel like that mindset does more damage than it helps. “By and for autistic people” doesn’t need to mean “autistics only, sorry”. It’s part of what made the Facebook group Just Us Autistics so bad. Anyway.

Aspie Supremacy is autistic people acting superior to other autistic people. This was much more blatant when Mel devised the term but is absolutely still a thing. It runs a lot deeper than I think most people are willing to admit-or, to be more specific, the people who are perpetrating it. As much as I’ve mentioned Mel already, I don’t think the definition of Aspie Supremacy is beholden to Mel and Mel alone, and I don’t think sie would think so either. Based on what I’ve observed, I think the examples I’m about to give are very much things Mel would have agreed qualify as Aspie Supremacy regardless. Aspie Supremacy isn’t simply when someone declares themself an aspie or when a person clings onto the Asperger’s diagnosis despite its extinction. Sure, that counts as it, and many people who do that also do other things, but that’s just the most apparent form of Aspie Supremacy. There are more covert examples that I argue are more insidious, and are done by people who would be very quick to denounce Asperger’s, but only because the person it’s named after was a nazi and for no other reason. 

Examples of Aspie Supremacy:

 Failing to mention anything related to disability in your advocacy-ergo, talking about autism as its own thing or solely as a cultural identity

Moreover, failing to contextualize autism within the scope of the broader disability community and rights movement. MAYBE saying something about ADHD but that’s it.

Doubly so if you ignore the I/DD-led Self-Advocacy Movement

Not centering people with I/DD in your advocacy at all

If you do mention people with I/DD, it’s brief and basically an afterthought. Perhaps as a statistic or vague example of something.

Separating autism as its own thing from the rest of the neurodivergent umbrella

Saying you “stand with nonspeakers” and do nothing to actually engage with them beyond sharing their stuff on social media

Saying you “stand with nonspeakers” only to say very stigmatizing things about them

When being called out for this, you don’t listen and perhaps try to argue that you’re actually right. Bonus points if the person you’re arguing with has I/DD and/or is nonspeaking.

Tokenize nonspeakers and silo them into their own special subclass of the autistic population

Use “Medium/High Support Needs” as a stand-in for “low functioning”

Assert that you are nothing like people you deem to have higher support needs

Using your autism as an excuse for racism and calling people ableist for rightfully criticizing your behavior because “[the racism] is one of my autism symptoms”

Wanting more autism subtypes to be officially recognized like AuDHD or PDA

On that note, using PDA as an excuse for shitty behavior, ESPECIALLY if you consider it a “pervasive drive for autonomy”

Trying to rebrand PDA as a “pervasive drive for autonomy”

Your advocacy being highly academic and intellectual-sounding with no effort in making it sound more accessible

On that note, not engaging in the actual community that is outside of academia's ivory tower, unless it's for academic research

Being against the idea of autism or ADHD being considered a disorder

Caring significantly about the distinction between “disorder” and “disability”

Forcing people to exclusively use identity-first language and not even considering person-first language’s origins

Talking about the social model of disability in the misunderstood concept of “people are only disabled by societal barriers”, denying the existence of disability that comes from personal impairments at all

Supporting the removal of autism and maybe ADHD from the DSM but only those because they’re “identities” 

Thinking that autistic people are direct descendants of neanderthals 

Armchair diagnosing people with mental illnesses just because they don’t do things you like

Denying the legitimacy of someone because they use FC, RPM, or a similar method to form words

Saying things like "that's not autism or intellectual disability it's apraxia" or some other form of that statement

There are definitely more but these are all of the examples I could readily think of. All of which I have observed from other people. So as you can see, these are things that are actually quite common in autistic spaces. Really, most of these are signs of being a generally indecent person. It’s pretty damning how many people I know do this, and to be clear, they aren’t people I like. At this point, I have zero tolerance for Aspie Supremacy. It’s one thing to still be in the learning process and having a commitment to doing as good by certain people as possible, but it’s another thing to do the stuff I listed above *and be proud of it*. As for one particular example, I will say there’s nuance to saying you’re not like another person and some truth to it. Where I take issue is when you do this with another autistic person in a way where you’re saying you don’t even have the same disability as them, especially if you’re saying they don’t deserve the same rights and basic respect as you do. That autistic person who doesn’t speak and has an intellectual disability is likely more like you than you think, and to deny those similarities is wrong and exclusionary. 

TL;DR Aspie Supremacy sucks. It’s something people need to check within themselves. It’s also a lot more prevalent than one may think, and denouncing the specific labels of aspie and Asperger’s does not recuse oneself from it. 

[jarvis-cockhead]

Rejection sensitive dysphoria awareness & how I cope

Disclaimer: I don't claim to be an expert, this is advice from my personal experiences aimed to help others who experience RSD, as I have a long term experience with the condition and don't often see people talk about how to manage it. I've had to figure out a lot of it myself so I wanted to share my methods for anyone else who might find them useful :] please if you think you experience RSD or any other neurodivergency do your own research, or ask for a professional opinion. Also please feel free to say so if you think my methods are actually bad/harmful or if you have any other methods, because like I said, this is just stuff I've figured out for myself, I don't claim to know it all!

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is, in short, a severe emotional reaction to real or perceived rejection. It's most commonly linked to ADHD however it is likely something which just more commonly develops in people with certain neurodivergencies (I have a diagnosis of autism, for example). It hasn't been researched very much so there isn't that much information out there about what it is or how to manage it, but it's something which can significantly affect your wellbeing and your relationships with others. At times I find it debilitating. I've experienced it for a number of years now and I've spent a lot of time on self awareness and analysing RSD based anxiety. I hope this not only helps others with RSD but helps to spread awareness of the condition- if you think you experience RSD you absolutely are not alone.

The anxiety lens

It can be really tricky to identify which thoughts are real and which are not because the nature of RSD is one which is paranoid and always jumps to conclusions, and the phrase 'what if' is very powerful. One way I've learnt to deal with this is to remember something very important: when anxiety is present it is like a lens you will look through and it will cloud your judgement of what you see. If you are experiencing RSD and are worried your friend is upset with you, you will listen to them/read their messages as if this is true, and this is where your 'proof' comes from. RSD is triggered by perceived rejection, and of course this will be worse and more frequent when anxiety is clouding your perceptions. Reminding myself of this is probably the most useful method I have found to deal with RSD because it follows the RSD anxiety path as far back as you can take it. There are no 'what if's, the anxiety will be making you see things from an altered perspective.

Anxiety sources

Are there any other reasons your anxiety could be worse right now? Stress and hormonal changes commonly exaggerate my anxiety and this frequently manifests as RSD. Identifying this doesn't always make the anxiety go away, but it does give some peace of mind of the likely real reason for why I am suddenly feeling so much worse.

Social exhaustion

I find I can swing into a very low spot very quickly after seeing friends, which is most likely just social exhaustion but because it has come directly after socialising it can feel as if there must be a reason, and the RSD reason is that the social interaction must have 'failed'. I also find this especially difficult with my friends who also experience social exhaustion and also need a period of recharge because this could mean they aren't as chatty as usual, which of course feeds the RSD. Remember that you (and possibly your friend also) are likely just tired, and give yourself time to rest.

The better it is, the worse it gets

A cruel side to RSD I feel is that the more I care for someone, or the more fun I had in a social interaction, the worse my RSD can be. I can also find it hard to understand why someone is friends with me or accept that this is the case, and I get very scared of losing the people I care most about. However more often than no your friends do care about you just as much as you do for them, or they wouldn't be your friends at all. Your friends love you and they will not just abandon you or reject you for no reason, or even if you do make a mistake, because mistakes can be talked through and overcome. The RSD conclusion jump that your friend suddenly hates you is so incredibly unlikely (and if it does happen then that doesn't sound like much of a friend in the first place.)

Help! my friend has disappeared for a day (or longer)

This is never fun, RSD loves it when this happens because there is so much room for 'what if's. You must just remind yourself that it's very unlikely you're the reason they've disappeared, especially when you've not done anything deliberate which would upset them. They really are most likely just busy!

One good way to help deal with this long term is to have strong communication foundations where possible. Let your friend know this is something you struggle with, and let each other know that if there is ever a real issue, you can talk about it. Doing this will give you more room to breathe and more reassurance that there are no issues because your friend has not told you there are. It also isn't really your responsibility to be hyper aware of what you might have maybe possibly done 'wrong', it's up to the other person to tell you if there's an issue. Remembering that you're allowed to not worry about whether you've accidentally done something wrong can take a lot of weight off.

Help! I can feel myself trapped in an anxiety spot/loop

Sometimes while anxious if I talk to a friend I can get trapped in a loop of needing and seeking reassurance, knowing that I'm on the verge of an RSD based breakdown. My best advice for this is to just tell your friend you think you are entering/are in an anxiety loop- I find that exposing the anxiety makes it easier to deal with, while not actively asking for reassurance. Asking for reassurance in the moment is something I try to avoid wherever possible. While it can make things feel really hard and like youre suffering alone, I personally try not to so I can build up my resilience, as doing so can just reinforce the anxiety. Plus while I'm in an anxious state that reassurance sometimes doesn't do much anyway because I'm still seeing things from a perspective of anxiety.

I worry that my RSD will upset my friends or offend them

RSD can make you feel horrible for doubting your friends, and it can feel scary admitting any of these feelings to them for fear that they'll be offended you've thought that way about them, or that you're blaming them for your RSD. But good friends will listen and understand and know this isn't what you intend. To help, approach conversations from the angle of 'my anxiety causes me to feel this way', not that they themselves cause you to feel this way.

Why is this even happening to me?

RSD is suspected to develop from certain sorts of experiences in life, and is more likely to develop in those who are neurodiverse. Identifying what might have caused my RSD has given me a lot of peace of mind and reassurance that I'm not just going mad- these are responses based on past experience.

Conclusion

Managing RSD, from my experience, is a lot of building resilience and healthier thought patterns. It never truly goes away but you can get better at minimising it's effects. Introspection is key to deconstructing RSD and tracing it back to the sources. It's usually never actually about the other people around you, despite it absolutely feeling that way. I hope at least some of my experiences could be helpful to anyone who experiences RSD- best of luck and best wishes if you do :]

[autisticlee]

I need a friend (or maybe actually a life partner) thats super consistent/scheduled, not flaky, probably not disabled with unpredictable flare ups/energy issues, someone with energy who can plan and get stuff done. because I cannot do it myself. I need someone very close who is like this so they can help me do things I want or need to do. come over in the morning to exercise like go for a walk or swim or kayak. come over to help me make food when they realize I forgot to eat. come over and help me change my bed sheets. sit with me while I work on something and keep me focused or help me get done easier. plan a time to hang out or go somewhere and be here at that exact time instead of forgetting or canceling.

I NEED consistency in my life. I cannot provide it for myself. I know there's people out there who are like this. the autism in me craves it. but the adhd in me rejects it and always wins no matter how hard I try. having unpredictable physical flare ups doesn't help. trying doesn't do anything. people make it clear to me that it doesn't look like I try at all. that proves how useless trying has been. I need an external force that is beyond my control. alarms and reminders are in my control so they never work. I can't be consistent with myself and flake out on myself, beyond my control. but when it comes to other people, i'll push through and stick to things for their sake. I need a separate entity that has more control over the situation. someone to do with me and not just "remind" me. but also someone that won't push me too hard or let me push myself too hard. remind me to stop and drink/eat. don't let me push through pain. remind me it's ok to rest. etc.

but finding consistent people is so hard. I can't seem to do it. I only find and attract flaky, inconsistent people. I don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. they want me to be their consistent, nonflaky friend that they can flake out on. i'm told i'm always there for them whenever they need me, and they appreciate it. but I can never say the same about them.

no one wants to help me or "hold my hand" mostly because they can't even help themsleves and expect me to do everything for them, but also people who could help just dont like or care about me enough. i'm a burden to people who don't care or value me enough. I need someone to magically care so much about me that they enjoy being my solid pillar of consistency, support, and companionship. they wake up and WANT to see me immediately, so they come over and wake me up to make breakfast and go for a walk and do chores at their house together and etc.

you can't just wait and they will show up like a pokemon you can catch and turn into your loyal companion. you can't just make someone like you. but I don't know how to make anyone like me/find people who like me for who I am and don't have the energy and spoons endlessly sort through everyone in the world for the chance of finding one i also like and feel comfortable with. I need a person that either doesn't cost energy to interact with or somehow gives energy. that'd so hard to find.

I do try, though. but it takes at least a month or two to recover from the energy and effort it takes to reach out to a single person, especially since it's me doing most of the work. so the process is slow and is wasting my life away. I don't care about the possible "one day" because i'm struggling NOW. thinking about "one day" hasn't helped improve my life one but over the past 15 years or more, i've been told "one day"

it seems to be all about either luck or being privileged to have the energy and right personality to attract the right people. I have none of those things. so I just continue to struggle to exist within my own chaos alone. merely barely surviving and not at all living.

[only-knives]

Noticed the language you use is pretty interesting. You mentioned your addiction is a part of you - can u please elaborate on that? Personally, I don't refer to myself as an 'addict', mainly bc of past stuff etc. etc. I'd rather be called someone w/ an addiction. like idk if im allowed to pick-and-choose with that kinda stuff bc I'd say 'I'm autistic', rather than 'someone with autism'. It's like... I don't want my addiction to be a super mega part of my jigsaw puzzle yk? like if I'm a jigsaw puzzle, then yh sure my addiction is a Part of it (like boba and ADHD) but I don't want it to be a Major part... mainly bc I don't want the shittiness of wanting to use but also not wanting to, to last forever. what pieces are in your jigsaw? if ur chill with sharing?

You're well within your right to use person first language, my friend. Everyone's different and that's ok. I think it's important that we're all allowed to choose how we want to refer to ourselves and our neurodivergencies.

For me, addiction is like... the culmination of all my trauma. It's the rawest possible expression of all the pain I've been through. If my trauma were a puzzle, addiction would be the picture all the pieces make. But if we're talking about myself as a puzzle, of course the picture would be me.

I don't want to want to use forever either, and I'm working on getting past that obsession. Part of why I call myself an addict though is because, for me, it's always going to be a part of who I am. I can recover from that hopeless state of mind it brings, but I don't think I'll ever be cured.

Which means I'll be treating my addiction for the rest of my life - same as my chronic pain and EDS/JHS. I plan to always connect with other addicts/people with addiction, never forgetting how I can't recover and stay recovered without them. I wanna be around people like me, too. Not alone.

I also find power in calling myself an addict - using it as a term of belonging and love for myself and others, rather than putting myself down. Fighting back against the stigma.

I guess ultimately I call myself an addict as an act of acceptance: This is who I am, this is what I've struggled with, and I will never forget it. Because for me, if I forget, it leaves me very prone to relapsing. I can't turn my back on it or else it'll come and drag me back down to hell. And I don't have to try to be normal anymore; I can just be me and do what works for me.

[peachdoxie]

Rambling about therapy and mental health stuff

Like idk if I'm just bad at communicating with my therapists or if they're just blinded by their preconceived notions of me based on their training and my diagnoses, or some combo of both, but like I just feel that I'm not getting the help I need because I'm being forced to do things that I feel are impossible for me to do right now, like stick to a schedule or go to bed at a decent time or do household chores. Like so much of exposure and response prevention is doing the things I find hard with the ultimate goal of demonstrating to me that they're not actually that hard once I do them instead of avoiding them, but like. Idk how to describe it. It's like my therapists are too far ahead of me. Like I'm stuck in the ocean treading water barely able to keep my head above the surface and they're like "okay it's time for swimming lessons!" and meanwhile I can't physically swim because I'm so exhausted and out of breath and stressed and I need a life preserver first to stop me from dying.

It's like. like my limitations are so high and my limits so low that I can't do what they ask. It's like I'm being told to walk on a broken leg: sure it's possible but it's so incredibly hard that I can't do anything else but they want me to start walking and I can't. Like I need something to help me walk, crutches or other accomodations, because it's so impossible to function with a broken fucking leg and yet the strategy is to just limp along until the pain settles down. But I don't think my therapists see it that way—especially my OCD therapist who kept insisting that the reason I couldn't work on my dissertation was because I had convinced myself I'm incapable of working on it, that it's all in my head, when I keep telling him, no, I want to work on it, I want to write it, and there is something else stopping me that I can't figure out.

(Ngl I'm still questioning the diagnosis of OCD vs autism/adhd burnout wombo combo but that's a separate issue)

To put it another way. I'm disabled and I live alone with my cat. Most of my life as a graduate student is entirely self-directed. Self care is extremely difficult for me. The mental load I have to take on for caring for myself and my cat is so high and it's overwhelming me all the time. I need someone to help me take some of that load off because it's too much, but my therapists want me to just grin and bear it even though I've tried to explain that I can't do that and also write my dissertation.

Like honestly I feel that I've come away from my six months with the OCD therapist in particular with more trauma than when I started because I kept being told that I'd have to fight through the anxiety and pain even when I kept saying I can't, not without the rest of my life crashing down—and this to a lesser extent with my other therapist. I feel like I'm being gaslit and told that my perspective on my problems isn't what's actually happening. I just don't know how to make myself heard and I'm so, so tired.

[avistheavian]

Hello~!

(Click on card to be brought to my art fight!)

hello! This is my introductory post!

My name is Avis! I also go by Avi, Doggo or 'The Moss Entity' (long story)

I am genderfaun, and typically male or masc leaning.

I go by He/They/Moss pronouns, thanks! Try to stick with he/moss is possible!

I am a furry and alterhuman!

IMPORTANT: I often present myself as a lil doggo or dutch angel dragon covered in moss.

I have both autism and ADHD (AuDHD) so if I say something rude/blunt and it hurts or bothers you, lmk ill apologize I never mean to hurt peoples feelings :(

Current hyperfixations!? Im so glad you asked!! I will post about these things often!

• SCP Foundation

• Hazbin Hotel

•Goblincore

you can find oc profiles and fursona art on my toyhouse!

https://toyhou.se/Avis_Esquire

Here are some other important links!

https://character.ai/profile/AvisTheAvian

Yep! Any questions? Ask the Moss Entity

Off to go do something fun~

Specific tags? So glad you asked!

#the daily dutchie-- Lil fun posts about what happened that day

#Mr Foal >:3--My OC Dr Bennet Foal

#furtastic art-- my furry art

#*goblin noises*--Goblincore stuff

More coming soon?

DNI IF...

• Youre a zoophile, pedophile, or anything icky like that.

•youve been asked to distance yourself from me.

•NSFW anything

• you support icky things (zoophilia paedophilia etc.)

• youre a negative nancy/all you do is hate

•art theif. Go away, my art isn't for tracing!

Violation will result in a block.

Quick links to the tags below

Keep reading to hear my thoughts on the Dr Bright situation.

ADMIN BRIGHT WAS/IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.

Sexually harassing or assaulting IS BAD, and as a victim of sexual assault I 100% empathize with the victims of Admin Bright.

HOWEVER

I dont fuvking know anymore leave me alone I want to use a rewrite but like I hate Shaw personally and every rewrite is some sort of something I don't feel comfortable using

So please leave me alone I feel like a terrible person about it but I don't wanna go through everything I've rebooted about bright bc he used to be my main comfort character

[invernom]

So I'm diagnosed inattentive adhd, undiagnosed-but-strongly-suspecting autistic & undiagnosed-but-damn-certain-of-it osdd type plural system, I have some particular experiences that I feel like kinda blur lines between diagnoses, between what traits I have and what I don't, and why I do or don't act in certain ways.

Aka I just feel frustrated about memory issues, repression & childhood & the burden of proving diagnoses when I have a brain that got way too good at masking everything, even from itself, and I wanted to disjointedly vent about it

So for a long time I've had a niggling feeling like I've been skating forward in life operating like I've always done, but there's a lot of mental processing that goes on in my subconscious that I'm not really able to touch and understand. And I feel like I have a continuous, uninterrupted experience of my life & access to memory (I.e. no blackouts or time loss traditionally associated with DID) but then again I also intellectually know I have memory like a seive and forget stuff all the time

And I can't remember a lot of my past, except when I start trying to connect to parts of myself, my experience and feelings I don't traditional access (or have long-term suppressed) when operating on a day-to-day level. Then I can get vivid, clear memories flooding back to the point where I almost feel like I'm there again (which is still fucking wild to me, when I'm used to my memories always being hazy and scattered!)

But like even though I'm gaining access to more of my memories, there's still a lot I don't have. And I've met (and blended with, at one point) parts of myself that restrict or open access to memories/information to different parts of my mind??

And blending with or connecting to various parts of myself has given me temporary access to memories, knowledge and traits/behaviors that I lose once we separate, which is fucking weird! Like afterwards I'll have clear memories of what blending was like and what I experienced myself saying, thinking or doing when blended, but like the wellspring of knowledge & personality that the alter brought up that generated those things isn't there anymore. And I can't really capture the same results if I try to mimic them without the connection. Also some of my alters have special interests and deep insights about stuff I've never thought deeply on or even thought about thinking deeply on & then they come blend with me and I'm infodumping & I'm like ???? :O

So like it's really cool to be introduced to my own hidden depths and to find out about parts of myself I didn't know about or thought I'd lost, but it's also still deeply frustrating to navigate trying to prove I'm a system or autistic to anybody who's skeptical or needs proof from my childhood or my family's recollections of me.

Like the adhd really hasn't been a problem to prove or talk about to others, but the plurality is mostly internal or is stuff I explore alone (bc it makes me feel vulnerable or weird, and generally talking about it feels like trying to describe a weird dream or a paranormal encounter to someone).

And the autism... How do I prove autism to my therapist when my brain has restricted my access to most of my childhood memories, and my family members also have shit memories (possibly bc of their own neurodivergence)? And what childhood behavior of mine is remembered by myself/others is influenced by the unique blend of my neurodivergent traits plus the hidden, subconscious work my mind learned to do & dissociate from in order to keep me functioning on the day to day.

Like the more I learn about my own brain via my system & the more I connect to my true self in its various parts, the more solid I feel in that feeling I've always had that part of the reason my surface-self is so scatterbrained and foggy most of the time is bc a LOT of thinking, processing, remembering & feeling has been happening where I can't reach.

And that's probably been happening since I was a small child, too. I feel like my smart, sensitive and intuitive little brain internalized a lot of stuff in its quest of trying to grow up & fit in & function, and a lot of autistic traits that may otherwise become a noticeable pattern in some children came out a few times for me, got a negative response from others, and bc of that I repressed and dissociated from them. Or the traits others didn't like that I couldn't subconsciously repress I learned to consciously repress or hide, bc even when I didn't understand why I had them I knew they were undesirable.

(Also, side note, I get the feeling I developed as an osdd system that has an always-fronting shell alter to handle day to day life smoothly is bc of this slow, imperceptible poison drip kinda ND trauma and repression.)

So if I'm right on this theory, then it both shows how damn resourceful & adaptive my brain has always been, and would further confirm why I'm completely screwed on ever proving my autism to someone who needs proof of patterns in my childhood behavior to diagnose/believe me.

Like the biggest, most significant breakthrough I've ever had in my life towards healing & really reconnecting with myself after years spent in burnout & depression came only bc I asked myself "hey, what if I might be autistic?" & then had a sudden, clear experience of meeting other alters... and yet those are the 2 possible diagnoses I may never be able to officially confirm.

[iamthecomet]

Hoot once again!

I‘m really glad to hear this. Our little ritual means a lot to me <3

I am so sorry for her, but very glad that she figured it out now. Growing up undiagnosed can be (and is most of the time) very traumatic

While I’m a bit younger, I still spent my entire childhood and half of my youth (I’m gonna pretend it has been only half of it so far cause whatever the fuck I had/have is most definitely not a joyful youth). So while I can‘t fully relate, I still kind of get it and can at least imagine how it must me for her

It‘s pretty hard to get an autism diagnosis, because it cannot be done by a regular psychiatrist (unlike ADHD for example, which is why I at least have that diagnosis already). In my area there is only one place where you can get a diagnosis and the waiting list is LONG (not the worst I‘ve seen so far but at least half a year, which is terrible if you need to get help as quickly as possible but you need a diagnosis to get any kind of help). But I’m working on it

Thank youuuu

I planned chapter 2 out yesterday

It ended up to be “only” 5 pages, but it has 39 panels (chapter 1 has 24 panels)

So I think I’ll still get more of the story across even though it seems to be one page shorter

I will most likely start working on it in November

Your day sounds pretty nice!

Today, I was really stressed and worried about something and I did it okay-ish, but I can‘t change shit anymore now anyways so I’ll have to stop worrying and just wait and see

I also had a doctors appointment to get blood drawn and tested (cause due to the meds I take I’m apparently at a higher risk of malnutrition/lack of some stuff) and it was literally the most pleasant doctors appointment I’ve ever had.

I was a too early (as always) and had to wait outside a bit because they were still on lunch break but I was let inside a few minutes earlier anyways and so I was alone in the waiting area. And the nurse was incredibly kind and nice (she had me lay down for it because she didn’t want to risk that I could pass out and then she let me take my time to get back up again). It was overall incredibly nice and I was done not even 15 minutes after my appointment (so none of that annoying waiting time that usually comes with doctors appointments)

I also wanted to mention this in the past days already but I somehow didn‘t haha:

So I saw Someone do OC-tober and I absolutely LOVED the idea! (I’m one of these people that just never really draws their OCs lmao)

So I put together a prompt list for myself and I’m really excited about it ^^

(I‘m also planning on participating in Ghosttober with my writing which is why I’m probably going to be a little stressed all throughout October which is why I’ll most likely start working on chapter 2 in November)

I once again truly hope that you had a pleasant day! ♥️

~ @owlishanon

I like our little ritual too! ♥ When my friend got her diagnosis she couldn't get it from a regular psychiatrist either. She also got her ADHD diagnosis a couple years earlier because that was much easier. Autism she had to take a handful of tests over a period of time to actually get the diagnosis. But she was 98% sure what it would be before she got it. So I guess it's a pain in the ass no matter where you try to get it. Hoping that you are able to get through that process soon and get the help that you need. I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well and was easy. That's such a rare thing. And that you had a nurse who was really accommodating and understood what you needed. I was wondering why you said you would work on chapter two in November, until I got to the end of your ask. There are A LOT of things going on in October. And it will be kind of nice to take a pause on working so hard on that and doing some other stuff. I'm really excited for kinktober/ghostober whatever we're calling it. I'm trying to get the first week written and ready this week so that it's less likely that I fall behind. We'll see how that goes. Day one is written and ready to go--so that's something at least. And OC-tober sounds SO cool. I'm excited to see what you end up doing with that. I'm sure that will be a lot of fun too!

[growling]

April 9th: Do you struggle with mental health? Does being autistic affect your struggle with mental health? Do you have depression or anxiety and is it influenced by being autistic?

I do have Problems mainly all my other mental disorders (NPD, ASPD, OSDD, schizophrenia, possibly AvPD & ADHD) unsure of exactly how many and to which degree are affected by me being autistic but definitely some are at least but also not getting into exact specifics. There's like plenty of overlap between symptoms of autism and schizophrenia/other schizo-spec disorders did you know what. I forgot what I was saying. Uhhhhh. Well I'm doing Bad

April 10th: Do you struggle with keeping up with physical health? Does being autistic affect it?

I shower like once a week maybe even more if I can help it, I brush my teeth like once a day and all of them are kinda yellow but like acceptable shade of yellow except I got like apparently 8+ cavities and sometimes when eating sugary things they hurt like a motherfucker, and I got like several permanent dirt stains all over my body soooo. I suppose. I'd say it's caused by the autism

April 11th: What are some things that might come easy to neurotypical people, but which you either can't do or need help to do?

showering + keeping up hygiene. I think I kiiiinda get the hang of what to do in a shower but also all the other evidence points to the fact that I Don't Really and also I always take really long cause I forget what I'm doing. Too busy spraying hot water on myself

going outside. it's been several years since the last time i ever stepped outside my apartment alone. i don't really know what to do with directions or how to really focus or react to things there, for ex. whenever im with someone i just follow behind them and look at the pavement and never around me, I'm too confused to look two ways on the street to cross quick enough, I can't take any public transportation alone or do things on my own in stores, either im too unfocused (or dissociating. i mean im kinda 90% of the day even more dissociating) or don't really know what im doing

money stuff. can't really manage finances so i never buy or ask for anything ever. numbers are confusing. don't really understand budgeting and every other payment stuff. i mean kind of i do. but also not really

understanding and "getting" complex concepts like politics, complicated/lengthy wording on certain topics etc, need simpler language for those, though it's not a guarantee that'll help

caring about things that don't directly affect me / only able to care about things that are directly affecting me, if anything doesn't really affect me then it's hard for me to even feign that I care about it in any "deeper" way or have sympathy for people that are affected. low empathy stuff. might not seem that big of a deal but other people (other autistics included) REALLY don't like this

speaking. physically able to speak and does talk through the day, but only in easier, shorter sentences or using words like "ok" or "meow", anything else is extremely difficult across all forms of communication that I have access to use, a lot of the times I'm not even interested in communicating at all. Spoke (heh) about this at length in other posts not really gonna type an entire essay about me being semiverbal here

learning new things (VERY difficult for me, sometimes even when it's a special interest, but mostly when it's something I "need" to learn but can't, ex. being math. Very slow at these things and need it explained very simply, multiple times), focusing on things that I don't like (also tied with learning things. if i don't like doing it then my brain will literally do anything but let me do it, even/especially if its something important), adapting to and handling change, processing things, comprehending many things (including media comprehension), putting on socks and shoes sucks too and I usually take wayyy longer time with those than I should, etc

[superstar-ethereal]

my intro post !?

꒰ notes .ᐟ kinda buggy 4 screen readers・last updated 3/26/25(m/d/y) ꒱

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

basic info!

i go by many names, but mainly star on here

i use any pronouns with a preference for they/it/fizz/frog/ender

no dni; i prefer to maintain my garden via the block button

i speak english fluently, and i'm currently learning japanese :D

interests!

my main fandoms atm are danganronpa, vocaloid, project sekai, kagerou project, undertale/deltarune, and mcr

i'm Incredibly Sane And Normal about kokichi ouma

i'm a reality shifter, and have been for over 2 years!

↑respect my beliefs, and i'll respect yours. don't respect them, and you're getting blocked

↑↑i'm also a manifestor but i couldn't figure out where to put that

my main hobbies are reading(fanfiction), writing, making kandi/perler stuff, learning vocaloid dances, singing, and playing video games

↑favorite games outside of the ones mentioned in the fandom list are project diva, minecraft, osu!, a few from the zelda series(botw, totk, original/NES, and skyward sword iirc), slime rancher, roblox, among us, the sims 4, animal crossing: new horizons, and stardew valley

i float around the alternative community a lot, but i'm mainly 2020 alt (if you couldn't tell from my everything)

i have a strange level of knowledge about (and/or just enjoy researching) early malware, '90s-2010s internet history/drama, old torture/execution methods, astronomy, and bonnie and clyde

extra notes!

my other blogs are @windblume-star(for fanfic and rambing about characters when i'm too embarrassed to do it here), and @just-a-spam-sideblog(for spam-reblogging things so it doesn't cloud up my main one)

all attempts to teach me complex grammar have failed so i punctuate based on vibes and vibes alone

(↑update: i have a better grasp of it now but i still punctuate based on vibes because i simply do not care)

my social battery is horrible when it comes to 1 on 1 conversation, so if i take a long time to respond to something i promise it's not because i don't like you :')

i've been making an effort to make my blog a little more accessible recently, but i'm able-bodied in many ways, so i might not always do it right ^^;

↑i'm totally open to correction though!! don't be afraid to shoot me a dm or an ask (or anything else, i'm not picky) if i'm doing something wrong

tags!

#☆||starry reblogs -- for reblogs

#☆||starry talks -- for original posts by me

#☆||starry answers -- for responding to my asks

#☆||starry gets tagged -- for posts other people tagged me in

#☆||fanfiction -- old tag for fanfic i reblog. don't really use it anymore, though, since i have a whole seperate blog for that (tagged somewhere in the extra notes part)

(all of these are self-explanatory, but my main fandom tags are #danganronpa, #genshin impact, #vocaloid, #project sekai, #death note, and #mcr)

#general humor -- for (mostly) non-fandom things i find funny

#positivity -- for nice little messages :3

#important -- self-explanatory, for important posts

#serious talk -- for posts that are less fun and silly

#fundraiser -- for posts or asks containing people requesting financial help

#lgbtq+ -- for all posts regarding the queer community

#lgbtq+ history -- for the things that led us to where we are today, good or bad

#queer rights -- what it says on the tin. posts about discrimination, lack of access to proper medical care, new laws or acts(or warnings about possible future ones e.g. kosa), etc.

#conversation -- for back-and-forth reblog chains between me and other people

#personal collection -- a curated little trinket box of all my favorite stuff on here

#adhd -- for all posts regarding attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

#autism -- for all posts regarding--you guessed it--autism

#routine reblogs -- for tumblr holiday posts i keep up with

↑specific tags are #out of touch thursday, #schedule time for flesh prison friday, and #omg dailysmilingkokichiouma hiiiiii

↑↑the hi in the last one is with six i's in case you couldn't tell (me neither its ok)

#shiftblr -- for all posts regarding reality shifting and the community around it

#loablr -- for all posts regarding manifesting/the law of assumption(and law of attraction sometimes) and the community around it

#reblog bait -- for anything from 'reblog if you support acting cringe on the internet' to 'not reblogging is a moral failure'

#silly reblog bait -- specifically for things like 'reblog if you support acting cringe on the internet'

#unofficial pinned posts -- for things i'd pin if it was possible to pin more than one post at a time

#image description missing -- for posts containing photos that don't include an image description. (im shit at remembering this one somfeel free to yell at me if i miss it lmao)

#tumblr memes -- do you love the color of the sky, horse plinko, eeby deeby, vanilla extract---you get the gist

#tumblr history -- pretty much the same thing but this one isn't gonna be used anymore. still leaving it here until tumblr stops being a bitch and lets me edit without text though

[feline-felon]

My thoughts exactly. And you know what? Yeah, we probably should talk about this stuff. And while I’m grateful for the stuff I like about my autism and ADHD, I’d be lying if I said it was all upsides.

Like, screw the guys saying we need to be “cured” or “fixed” somehow, but if we go too far in the opposite direction and claim it's all sunshine and rainbows, then we'd be denying the very real struggles of all neurodivergent folks.

There NEEDS to be space for nuance. While I've struggled to reconcile them in the past, the ideas that "autism doesn't need to be cured" and "autism comes with a lot of difficulties" CAN coexist: Autism often comes with a lot of difficulties, but it doesn't need a cure, because with the right supports in place, those difficulties can be worked around and managed.

The problem with pretending we're all Einstein is how are you supposed to get help for your struggles if you don't even acknowledge that those struggles exist in the first place?

Yes, certain things are harder for us, but there's nothing wrong with needing help. But if we need help, it feels like a lot of people jump to the only possible solution being the total eradication of our autism. If I go to the doctor's with a sprained wrist, I don't need my entire arm amputated. But if I pretend the problem isn't there, it's not going to get any better either.

Believe me, I know from personal experience that implicitly telling autistic kids that their only two possible paths in life are either useless-drain-on-society or Albert fucking Einstein is a bad idea. One makes you feel worthless, useless and burdensome, while the other is an impossibly high standard to hold anyone (let alone a kid) to. And when you inevitably fail to be perfect 24/7, or even completely burn yourself out trying to do so, you'll logically think to yourself, "If I'm not the genius kind of autistic, then I must be the failure kind of autistic."

Nobody talks about the hard parts about autism.

Nobody talks about not knowing when you need to eat, drink or pee. Not knowing when you're in pain, or why you're in pain. Not being able to communicate what you need.

Or when change is so hard to deal with you have meltdowns and outbursts. When you can't control your anger and hurt yourself or others. When you can't emote unless you're breaking down.

Or when you can't understand what someone is saying, what you're reading, anything. When you can't even try because trying makes it worse. When you ask for help but not getting what they say just makes you more frustrated.

And so many more difficult experiences we have to deal with that no one likes.

[frances-kafka]

So, if you want to understand the history of ND stuff in any useful kind of way you have to know that we talked about these things differently. Gen Xrs have a different generational experience and Boomers' is different still.

Prior to the 80s, NDs were really not a thing. The optic was almost entirely in terms of learning disability and intellectual impairment in the 70s.

ADHD - not autism - is really the first we see of anything resembling the modern ND consciousness, as "autistic" was a label reserved for children presenting with severe disability or at minimum, delay.

Autism in the 70s and 80s and before was not culturally adjacent to ADHD or giftedness, it was adjacent to conditions of severe intellectual impairment.

It's possible to be an 80s ADHD labeled autistic who gets good interventions *because lots of how ADHD was understood at the time, got absorbed by autism later.*

This is basically my story as a matter of fact, a lot of helpful support I got early was via the ADHD pipeline, and so ADHD *is* my "recognized early enough to get meaningful self understanding and meaningful support* narrative, which is a big reason I was ABLE to shrug off autism as a label for about 15 years, until the changing autism stereotypes caught up with me.

ADHD and early issues with visible LD etc are WHY I didn't end up in the "normal until hospitalized" optic that some autistics I knew ended up in, if they had *only* been seen as gifted. I was very aware of my stuff very early even if it was called something else and even if it will be called something else in the future, and it shaped my social choices, my career choices, etc.

Also there was the optic to Boomers and older that you really could just be a "normal" person or even a high performing "genius" who was just "a little slow as a kid." (There are many historical figures this actually applies to. "A little slow as a kid" may just be within a *normal* range of child development.) This is actually part of where many Boomers are coming from when they think a certain degree of autism is just normal.

Early labels in adults (whom we would now understand as high masking ASD-1) were more personal history than identity.

To Boomers and older, you were "mentally well" until you presented "mentally ill." There really wasn't anything like being ND as we presently understand. Also, the *very same optics* that got boys seen as gifted, invested lots of time and support into, etc, got girls into the clinical pipeline early. The real dx discrepancy between girls and boys in my generation and older is the degree to which cis het white rich boys were just allowed to not be anything at all while girls were immediately tagged as mentally ill or developmentally disabled with the very same presentation, even within the same family. My grandmother who was a victim of this, and heavily and deeply abused from early childhood, is the sister of my physicist uncle who was on the Manhattan Project and was odd but successful, had a wife and family, never labeled anything at all.

Lots of people we now see as autistic were just considered normal gifted people who then had a "nervous breakdown" after high school/entering the adult world.

It was possible to be totally ego-syntonic as an odd person until diagnosis, if you were in the 80s gifted pipeline, because if you were in a social set that was actually ALLOWED to be intelligent let alone gifted in the first place (i.e., an upper middle class person, with more weirdness optic allowed for boys) you likely weren't going to be diagnosed with ANYTHING unless you were Weird with a Capital W.

That I had any kind of optic besides just being Gifted is *because* despite high IQ, I was a poor academic performer, and *couldn't* mask well inside a school setting.

These are people without even that optic.

They literally were just seen as gifted, and it was assumed that - of course - highly gifted people were a little weird. Gifted optic in school meant access to a whole different social and academic pipeline consisting hugely of other people we would now understand as ND, so it's actually possible to come out of that being totally ego-syntonic, and never ever even seek diagnosis until something breaks.

If you're like my ex husband who ended up just going away to sea for years, and then becoming a programmer in a basement at a university, you might never get diagnosed with anything, especially if you never see yourself as the problem in any of your interpersonal interactions, and that was a FAR more common optic with gifted white Gen X and Jones ASD-1 boys than early dx was.

The thing for my generation isnt the degree to which boys were diagnosed over girls... quite the opposite, it's the degree to which smart white rich boys were just *allowed* to be odd and given tons of concessions *without* being labeled ANYTHING, because of the degree to which the culture saw that boy was probably a future curer of cancer or a future astronaut.

A chunk of the "NT [more likely, high masking autist] woman miserably married to ASD man" narrative on those websites like FAAAS is actually referring to men who don't have any diagnostic label whatsoever and don't understand themselves as the problem, if you actually read the stories.

Those guys don't get diagnosed until something actually breaks - like, their wife hauls them into couples counseling, or they have finally exhausted their supply of good will (many social compensations of gifted children stop working past one's 20s and that's actually when my dx happened too).

Interpersonal problems weren't enough for dx unless they actually bothered a person enough to seek help. Something has to break. You don't end up with a diagnosis because you're happy and adjusted, no matter how odd you are.

Please ask Boomers about nervous breakdowns because half the time this is referring to what we now understand as autistic burnout.

[jimmy-johns5382]

What I think of you based off your favorite creepypasta

Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion !

Jeff the Killer

Anger issues much? And is that hot topic merch? Definitely an emo, but your music taste is amazing! You don’t back down from anything and you defend your friends a lot. Your also very opinionated, nothing wrong with that I guess. You definitely had a major crush on him and read those fanfics about him coming to your room and taking you to live in the slender mansion. Are you ok, mentally? I believe you like spicy food (every JTF fan I’ve met likes spicy food, so it’s now a stereotype). Also, your loud.

BEN Drowned

Fun fact : you cant cut everyone off and then expect to be mentally ok. You play video games not only because you like them, but you use them as an escape from reality. You probably hate it here on earth most of the time, but believe that there’s some good and something worth staying here. You had a weird childhood (FNAF, creepypasta, etc.) and might have been bullied for it, but now your cool and still like all that stuff. Your music taste is also great, but stop running from your problems. Honestly, I feel like if your a BEN fan, then you’ve been a fan of him for a long time now.

Eyeless Jack

Similar to BEN, you can’t just cut everyone off. Also books are not a substitute for people, go outside. Your definitely some kind of “special” student (like you know those gifted classes? At my school we called them special classes but they were the gifted classes it think. Anyways you were in those) and your burnt out. You probably want to go into medicine, or something really complex like that. Also, you thirst over this man so much, it’s a little concerning. Take a break from everything, just chill. Your music taste is ok, but you’ve got great taste in men. You might be a mom or therapist friend.

Ticci Toby

ADHD? Autism? Your somewhere on scale. How are those sensory issues? You seem like the kind of person who was “special” or “gifted” and you sat alone at recess picking at grass. Your competitive and enjoy the party when it’s people you know, but if it’s people you don’t know your not cool at all. Your awkward, but it’s ok! You probably had some kind of emo phase and at one point you kin him (that’s saying you don’t right now). Your music taste is cool. Also stop feeding the raccoons on your back porch and trying to justify it, I know your trying to build an army and it won’t work.

Tim / Masky

Two words : Daddy Issues. Like bro, take a chill pill. Your anger is violent, you probably have a hole in your wall where you punched it, but your working on it. You possibly smoke, or think smoking is hot. Your definitely a Marble Hornets (SlenderVerse in general) fan and have been for awhile. Your also really into the trope where the proxies have the personalities of the Heathers and your Veronica. You also really like true crime, like to a scary amount. Your music taste is cool, could be better I guess. Also, stop trying to hide from your problems, it’s better to face them.

Brian / Hoodie :

Your quite, but really cool. Similar to Tim, a big Marble Hornets / SlenderVerse fan. You like photography and urban exploring, as well as ghosting hunting. I feel like you had a Sam and Colby and/or Buzzfeed Unsolved phase at some point. Another true crime fan, but you enjoy fictional stuff like slashers more than real stuff. Speaking of, stop trying to hide from reality. It’s better to face it, but your smart and I’m sure you can figure it out. You find yourself in holes a lot, but you manage to get yourself out of them. Great music taste, your the dad friend, and overall super cool.

Jane the Killer

Your either thirst over her or kin her or both. You have great taste in just about everything, music, fashion, anything. Your probably some kind of goth, but if not goth then metal head. You had an Evanescence phase and don’t even try to tell me you didn’t because I know you did. A lot of people fall for you, and you have so many people on a leash, but you sometimes find yourself using them for your gain. I think this is something you don’t mean to do, and when you do it you feel terrible. Your an over-thinker, but don’t worry, your cool and look great.

Nina the Killer

Was invader zim your favorite childhood show? Or was it the grim adventures of Billy and Mandy? Either way your emo and scene, and your very proud to be one! Your proud to be who you are, and that’s amazing! Sometimes you get insecure, but I promise you looked great. Honestly, you strike me as the kind of person who either looks emo and listens to emo music, or the kind of person to look cute and soft but like to like grindcore and black metal. You hide from your own problems but jump head first into small issues. Take some time to yourself and just settle down. Don’t let anyone fuck with you or your style either, I love you and nobody should diss on the scene Queen.

Horray! Post! Sorry it’s longer than my normal content, I felt like writing more. Can you tell who my favorites are?

Request are currently Open !!!

[the-slasher-madame]

May I request the Sinclair brothers with a mutual friend who has autism and asks a lot of questions. It’s their way of connecting with the boys and getting to know them better.

Wait is this like a strictly neurodivergent thing?? Cause I tried to get diagnosed with ADHD and/or Autism (the psychologist said I didn’t...I disagree) and I do this all the time. It’s just nice showing people you care ya know? That you find them interesting and like to know about them.

ALSO FUCK MEEEEEE I WROTE HALF THIS AND IT GOT DELETED this is why people suggest writing on google docs or something before transferring it to tumblr-

Anyways enjoy <333

Vincent Sinclair: I don’t think he would mind per say, but I don’t think he understands it at first. And if he’s having a bad day, he’d be a little stiff with you (especially at first). He doesn’t talk much, and he’s a good listener, so he doesn’t mind most days. And he likes the background noise. When you explain that it’s a form of affection/a way to get to know him better, he melts. Thinks it’s adorable, and feels pretty  honored (cause I know I try to be more like myself and not hide anything around the people I care about, AND I do this to show people I care about what they like. They listen to my bullshit, the least I can do is listen to them). Starts to mimic you and ask you questions back to show he cares about you, too. He loves hearing about what you like, and you love hearing about his interests too. One of my English teachers said that it’s about “loving that they love what they love” or along those lines. Y’all will absolutely use the information y’all gather against the other. You and Vincent get into “wars” where you try to spoil the other more. These usually end with Bo stepping in and telling y’all to “quite that sappy shit, it’s makin me sick.” This warning does not stop y’all for long. 

Bo Sinclair: He tries to be patient, he really tries. But we all know what he’s like, and before long he gets annoyed. He feels like your interrogating him, like your trying to find something wrong with what he’s doing or that you know better than him, particularly when he’s doing his mechanics thing (I think the feelings of interrogation and not doing something right trace back to his parents). He snaps at you to shut up and leave him alone, so you go back to the house (and personally I’d feel really bad even if I did nothing wrong because I have a lot to unpack mentally but anyways moving on). Personally, after he’s come home and calmed down I’d explain why I ask so many questions and all, and then he feels really bad. He’s just like “shit shit SHIT” and feels so so guilty. I’ve seen these headcanons around, that like he treats you really well and is really soft for you, and I think that comes through when you explain you weren’t trying to annoy him, just connect with him. He’ll spoil you to make it up to you, and then he always answers questions and just really tries to be nice. He’ll also be nicer if he’s getting annoyed and just needs a few moments of quiet. I don’t think he’d ask as many questions back as Vincent does, but he appreciates that you care enough to want to know more about him. While he doesn’t ask as many questions, I think he’s observant (and I think he’d look through your diary/journal sometimes, I hate to say it but we all know what he’s like). Overall, he indulges you and gets those goofy butterflies when he thinks about how it’s a sign that you really care about him

Lester Sinclair: He’s gonna understand the most, cause goddamn it look at him and tell me he’s neurotypical. You Can’t. He does this too, probably doesn’t realize it could be considered a weird thing or possibly annoying. He feels so so loved when you ask him questions about the stuff he likes (especially thinking about how I think the abuse his parents threw at him was mostly neglect and lack of attention, so shower him in it). I feel like y’all go back and forth like birds, chattering and talking for hours on end. He loves when you ride with him when he goes places and y’all keep talking. Y’all talk about everything and anything, y’all cover every topic under the sun and the moon. When y’all are with the twins, Bo gets so annoyed lol. He’s all like “can y’all shut the fuck up fer 2 seconds, shit, how y’all breath?” Vincent will try to listen for a while, but eventually he tune y’all out cause the two of you talk so fast and so much. Another Sinclair who uses these conversations against you and will spoil the hell out of you. If he finds something he thinks you would like, it’s gonna be yours. You can’t stop him, you just can’t. It’s a like a force of nature. Lester is just big golden retriever himbo energy and it shows with how he brings you stuff (you do the same, of course, but he is determined to one-up you). Best, most understanding boy

Ahh I hope you like it!! This was fun (even if it deleted itself halfway through lol). I love the Sinclairs so much, they have every piece of my heart. Thank you for being so patient <3333333