#shocking myself most: i was able to actually word some of the reasons why I like her so much

[pawacelsus]

what gets you so much about bonnie dd2?

WOOF okay opened pandora's box here, but also I have NO clue if I'll be able to really... Word it properly? She is sort of just The character that my brain decided to latch onto. May be simple, just be that she's new and therefore unique! But at the same time, I think it's because we see her chance at happiness get ruined. For most of the hero shrines in dd2 (that I have played), we see this constant fall: Paracelsus plays god, Audrey robs her first grave, Dismas robs the carriage, but the story doesn't (as far as I know!) really frame them as being on the... Up. It's this constant downward spiral. Things are getting worse and worse for them.

But, fittingly enough, Bonnie finds that glimmer of hope. She runs away from Saint Martha's, and she finds happiness! She's taken in, she's adopted! She finds new parents! It is very explicit: She is happy and things are looking up.

And then she ruins that. She, by her own hands, kills the people who took her in, and now she is haunted by it. All her trinkets weaken her against Gaunt enemies, where you can find the Woodsman, where everything points to that being her dad, the kindly man that took her in, who she killed. Fell the Tree, Carve the Toy, Protect the Child.

What's the worst is how close she was to happiness, unlike... A lot of the rest of the cast. She was so close to it. But she, like everybody else, ruined it by her own hands. And now here she is. There's no heroic background to her. She doesn't know the ancestor. She doesn't have experience fighting off these eldritch abominations that spew forth from the mountain. But she's there. She's fighting anyways.

MANY months ago, I had a run with a Sunny Disposition Runaway. That team, to this day, has been my absolute favorite, but part of the reason I like her so much is because of that one Runaway. Back when act-outs were a thing, Bonnie would consistently take hits for other people, even when they were really fine, and multiple times she had destressed people down to a manageable level. Absolute mvp. So, we head up to the Denial boss fight, and... She's the first one to die. Stuck with me, having the most positive character on that team be the first one to die. Of course, that's just my brain being silly, but it's stuck with me, and remains part of how I write Bonnie to this day.

And in general, I just really like her design! I like how grubby and grimy she is, I like the way her clothes are all patchwork and little details in how she looks! Compared to the rest of the cast, she looks so minor, so plain. Love her animations, love her attacks, love her playstyle, I just generally adore her. Patting her on the head. Lovingly giving her a juice box. Taking her away from my fireplace. Giving her a warm blanket and a nice meal.

[blue-slxt]

Our Song Cord: Just an Ordinary Day

(Chapter 1)

🔞Minors Do Not Interact🔞

A/N: Welcome to the first part of my newest series. I'm excited to start this new journey with all of you. I really hope that you all enjoy it as much as I do. Every chapter title is going to be a song reference so if you know the song, you get a cookie. I really really appreciate feedback so comments and reblogs are heavily encouraged! All characters are aged up.

Series Masterlist

Next Part

Pairing: Neteyam x Fem!Omatikaya!Reader

Warnings: Friends to Lovers, Arranged Marriage, Cheating? (depends on how you look at it), Making Out, Nipple Play, I think that's it for now.

Word Count: 3.5k

Summary: When it's announced that Neteyam is intended to mate with a young tsakarem, he turns to you for help in learning how to please his future mate.

You and Neteyam had been best friends for as long as anyone could remember. Training together, hunting together, having your own secret signals, hell, you even memorized each other’s song cords. You were inseparable. Which is why it came as such a shock to everyone else when word got around that Neteyam was intended to mate with Layao.

She was one of the most skilled healers and even you had to admit that she was absolutely beautiful. Plus, she was mild mannered and pretty soft spoken with an agreeable demeanor. Any man would be lucky to have her. And you were happy for Neteyam. They got on well and seemed like they complimented each other’s personalities well enough.

So, when Neteyam came to you for advice on how to please his future mate, it caught you by surprise.

“It’s not like I would know, Teyam. I’ve never been with anyone else either.” You say shrugging your shoulders.

He groans in frustration and lets his head fall into his hands. “I just don’t want to embarrass myself, you know? I want her to enjoy it, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do!”

The shadow of an idea flickers into the back of your mind for just a moment. But would that be crossing a line? I mean, this was Neteyam after all. No one in the clan was as close as you two. And if you two were so close, then it would be fine, right? “Well, what if we helped each other?”

He turns to look at you with confusion muddying his expression. “How do you mean?” “Well, neither of us knows how to actually please our future mates and we don’t want to embarrass ourselves by making it obvious, so what if we helped each other learn? You know, like training?” your hands start to fidget with each other in your lap. Now that you were hearing your thoughts out loud, it sounded completely insane, but there was no way to take it back now.

Neteyam mulls over your suggestion for a minute. It was tempting. And he was a perfectionist at his core. He prided himself on being skilled at whatever he tried. He couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to adequately please his mate so it would only make sense to practice first, right? At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Yeah, like training. That makes sense.” He nods to himself justifying the reasoning. “So, what should we start with?”

“Maybe kissing? But not now. We should wait until after eclipse so that we’re less likely to be seen. It would cause trouble for everybody if someone were to catch us, you know?”

“Right, right. Okay, so after dinner, then?” he suggests.

“After dinner.” You reach out your hand and Neteyam takes hold and shakes on it. It’s apparently an Earth gesture that Jake taught Neteyam early on. It’s meant to signify an agreement or an understanding. You and Neteyam have used it since he learned about it. It was your own special thing. It was a promise. You never break a promise, especially if you shake on it.

The rest of the afternoon carries on as usual. Well, almost usual. For some reason, you kept feeling this twisting in your gut. It was fluttery, but also made your mouth feel dry. Maybe you just overdid it today and needed more food. Regardless, you pushed through until dinner time rolled around. Jake and Neytiri discuss plans for the impending ceremony with Layao’s parents while you form a small separate circle with Lo’ak, Kiri, and Neteyam.

“Bro, all of my friends can’t stop talking about how jealous they are of you. A ton of them had their eye on Layao.” Lo’ak speaks up stuffing his face with food.

“She’s pretty excited, too. She actually was talking about it all day which is unusual for her.” Kiri says with levity in her voice.

You don’t say much on the subject. There wasn’t much for you to say. You didn’t know Layao that well since she, more or less, kept to herself. From what you could tell, though, she seemed like a good fit for Neteyam. Someone that would let him take care of her and would be more than happy to give him a big family. You and Neteyam had already exhausted the conversation about the arrangement when his parents first informed him of it. There was nothing more to really say. You were happy for him, truly. So why did you still have that twisting, fluttery feeling in your stomach?

After you all finish your food and you’ve just been sitting making conversation, Neteyam subtly nudges your hand with his. When you look at him, his eyes flicker over to the woods to signal to you that he was ready to go.

“Alright, well, we’ve gotta go.” You say starting to stand up.

“Where are you guys going?” Lo’ak asks genuinely curious. Clearly, Neteyam hadn’t thought of a plausible excuse yet since he looks over to you for an answer.

“Late night ikran ride. I lost a bet we made so I promised to take him to this secret cave I found.” You try to sound as casual as possible even though you’re speaking the words quicker than your mind can even really register them.

“And I don’t want to be out too late so we should get going. Come on.” You grab Neteyam’s wrist and quickly lead him away from the crowd so that there’s no time for them to ask you any follow up questions.

Lo’ak isn’t sure he buys your explanation, but when he looks to Kiri, her expression is stoic and unphased. She decides that it’s best not to read too much into it. After all, it wouldn’t necessarily be odd for you two to be out late together so why worry?

Once you’ve dragged Neteyam far enough away from any prying eyes, you stop and look at him. “Okay, I have no idea where we should actually go.”

Neteyam shifts his jaw around a bit as if he was physically chewing on the question and trying to find a solution. Suddenly, his ears perk up, “I have an idea.” He doesn’t care to elaborate before switching your grip so that now he was holding your wrist and leading you deeper into the forest. You hadn’t even realized that you were still holding onto him. Nevertheless, you follow behind him going who knows where.

“Here. It’s perfect.” He says finally slowing to a stop.

“Where exactly is ‘here’?”

“Near the old shack. My father says this area is totally off limits so no one will ever come through here.”

Your tail starts to sway eagerly behind you. The thrill of being in an off-limits area filled your body with excitement. But the nerves suddenly creep in with the full understanding of the implications of the situation you found yourself in. A completely secluded area that no one would come near in the middle of the night alone with your best friend to do things you’d never be able to speak about and no one would ever know. It’s all so…nerve-wracking. But now, is not the moment to let your nerves get the better of you.

‘It’s just training. Just training.’ That’s what you tell yourself to slow the steadily increasing pace of your heart.

“Okay, so…I guess we should start with the basics.” He says with a tone that makes it sound more like a question than a statement.

“Right. So, kissing, I guess. Easy enough.” You say straightening your back and pushing your chest out. You’ve kissed Neteyam before so this shouldn’t be bad. Okay, so it was on the cheek when you were like 6 years old, but a kiss is still a kiss. ‘It still counts.’ A lie.

Neteyam turns to face you and you take a step forward closer to him.

“Where should I put my hands?” he asks holding his hands out in front of the both of you.

You hesitate for a moment thinking of the most natural place you could think of. Mulling over the memories you have of conversations you’d had with some of your more experienced girl friends, you grab his wrists and guide his hands to sit on your hips, “I think here.”

His eyes fall to his hands on your body while you place your hands on his shoulders. “I think mine go here.” He looks back at your face and the anxiety is written all over his face. His eyes jump around your face seemingly unable to focus on just one spot for too long and his tail is thrashing wildly behind him.

“You might wanna try actually breathing.” You giggle trying to ease some of the tension, but you were feeling the same restlessness, you were just better at hiding it. The hold you both have on each other makes you both pull the other closer until you’re chest-to-chest. “Well, lean in.” you say already starting to close the gap. Neteyam leans forward and almost hesitates when he feels your breath fan his face, but immediately relaxes into place when your lips finally touch.

The kiss is shy and gentle. His lips are warm and somehow even softer than they already look. It only lasts a few seconds before you separate. You’re thankful for the darkness hiding the blush that you could feel tinting your cheeks and ears seeing how his eyes are still staring at your lips.

“So…how was that?” he asks in a hushed voice that makes goosebumps jump up all over your skin.

“T-That was good. But you still feel kind of tense. Try relaxing a little more.” You say in an equally low voice. You’re not sure why the two of you were whispering as if someone might hear you. But it felt like the moment itself was so fragile that speaking too loud would shatter the very air you were now sharing.

He nods his head taking in your advice. “Should we try it again?”

You mindlessly nod your head and he takes the initiative this time in fully leaning into you and pressing his lips to yours. He holds a firm pressure against you and his hands on your hips tighten their hold. Your arms naturally fall around his neck completely enveloping the two of you together. A gasp leaves your lips when his fingers trace up your hips to your waist. His lips never leave yours, though. He takes advantage of the small part of your lips to push the envelope and let his tongue find yours. With the hold he has on you, you can’t back away and you’re left with no choice but to let him explore your mouth. It’s a little clumsy the way his tongue swipes across yours and wraps around it, but your mind is too hazy right now to really care.

He quite literally steals every breath out of you with his kiss. It feels like your heart could tear right through your chest with how it’s racing and that fluttery feeling that was in your stomach earlier has migrated further down to rest between your legs.

When he finally pulls away, his lips still hover just centimeters away from yours. Still close enough to ghost over them when he speaks. “Was that better?”

You swallow around the lump that’s formed in your throat, “Yeah…You learn quick.” Your mind gets lost in the glow of his tanhì in the darkness. Patterns and constellations that you’ve traced over countless times in your life and yet, they feel completely brand new right now as if seeing them for the first time again.

Your blown-out pupils meet his half-lidded gaze and something in the back of your brain harshly reminds you what the point of this whole thing was supposed to be and you finally take a step back out of his hold. “Then again, you always were able to master whatever you set your mind to.” You say clearing your throat a little. The night air feels cold against your burning cheeks.

“Well, you make it easy. You’re already so good at it.” He says turning his face away from you a bit. “You sure you haven’t already done this before?” he teases.

You scoff in mock offense and lightly slap his shoulder, “shut up!” you both laugh lifting the heavy tension in the air at least a little bit.

“Should we maybe head back?” he says gesturing to the path that you originally came through.

“Sure. Wouldn’t want our ‘ikran ride’ to go on too late into the night” you say already turning to start down the path.

…

The next day you’re out foraging with Neteyam, Lo’ak, and Kiri. Neteyam is behaving so normally that if you didn’t know any better, you would’ve sworn that the previous night was a fever dream. Maybe he really wasn’t thinking about it as much as you were. Which made you feel…odd. Why does it matter if he’s thinking about it? Did you want him to? Why were you even thinking about it this much?

“Hello? Anybody in there?” Kiri says waving her hand in front of your face. You snap back to reality and realize that you haven’t properly heard a word she’s probably said.

“Sorry, I guess I kinda got lost in space there for a second.” “Yeah, no kidding. What’s eating you?” she asks raising an eyebrow at you.

“Nothing just…” your voice trails off catching Neteyam’s eye behind Kiri. He offers you a small, barely-there nod that makes your tail thwip against the ground knowing what he means.

“Just thinking about this training that I have later.” “What kind of training could you have going on that late?”

‘Shit. Shit. Think!’

“W-well, it’s this special sparring practice that me and Neteyam have been practicing.” The strength to resist the urge to let your ears pin against your head is unreal, but you have to hold it together. Kiri eyes you up and down suspiciously, but thankfully, Neteyam comes to your rescue before she can analyze you for too long.

“Hey, Kiri, aren’t these the herbs that grandmother was asking for?” he points to a bush off to the side that pulls her attention off of you.

“Oh, finally! These things are impossible to find!” she says walking over to the bush and Neteyam steps over to you.

“Thanks. You always show up right when I need you.” The flash of your fangs in your grin makes a smirk appear on his own face.

“So…are we training again tonight? Or did you need a break?”

Your eyes quickly flicker to Lo’ak and Kiri to make sure that neither of them is watching you too closely. “Yeah, we can meet again tonight. There was some stuff I wanted to…practice.” Your hand rests on the back of your neck trying to soothe your growing nerves.

“Good, u-um, me too. So…tonight, then?”

“Mhm!” you admittedly sounded a little more enthusiastic than you meant to, but Neteyam’s smile is just so damn reassuring that you can’t even care.

…

 Stumbling through the woods at night was hard enough even when you knew where you were going, but heading to the abandoned shack was even more of a challenge since you never really trekked this path. Regardless, you find your way and find Neteyam’s silhouette already waiting for you. The two of you had decided that it would be less suspicious if you left separately.

“Hey, I was starting to worry that you got lost.” He says.

“I almost did. Trying to find this place is a nightmare. Which I guess is good, all things considered.”

“So, what are we trying today?”

Your heart thunders in your chest just thinking about it.

“You have to sit down.”

Neteyam cocks and eyebrow at you, but complies anyways. You try to ignore the fire growing behind your cheeks as you stand over him and lower yourself so that you’re straddling him. He watches you with wide eyes and bated breath. His hands immediately find their place on your hips and you steady yourself with your hands on his shoulders.

“I-I figured we should probably try different positions…” you find your eyes looking around at anything else but his face. Even though you know he can’t see the blush on your face, you still can’t bring yourself to look at him on your own. It’s not until he cups your face and makes you look at him and it feels like your breath is stuck in your chest. He leans in and captures your lips in a whole new kind of kiss. This one has more confidence, more…hunger. It’s all you can do just to stay present in your body and not let your mind float away into the ether. Your arms wrap around Neteyam’s neck and your fingers tangle in his hair. His hands travel up and down your body, running down your back and squeezing at the softness of your thighs. If your kiss yesterday was just the simmering of embers, this one was a full-blown wildfire. Curious touches learn the curves and ridges of each other’s bodies while your chests press together. Heat settles in your core and it feels like your skin itself is craving his touch.

“What…what did you want to try?...” your breathing is ragged and your sentence is broken with messy open-mouth kisses between words. Neteyam trails his kisses down your jaw and neck and his face has a gaze that’s miles away right now. He looks completely lost in the experience of your heat against his pelvis. His eyes settle on your face when he uses one hand to push the feathers of your top to the side and starts groping at your breast. Small whimpers sneak out of your mouth when his fingers play with your now-stiff nipple. His stare drops to watch the way the softness of your breast spills between his fingers. His tongue swipes across his lips almost mesmerized.

“I want to suck them…Can I?” His face had mindlessly already started inching closer and closer to your skin.

The question hits your ears and makes your body tremble with want. You swallow thick and squeeze your eyes shut as you meekly whimper out an ‘mhm’ in response.

Neteyam experimentally licks at your nipple in his hand and he studies your facial expression as your body jumps. When he wraps his lips around the little nub you can’t help the way your head falls back relishing in the feeling. He tries various little licks and sucks to find what makes you feel the best.

You let a small moan slip past your lips and it just makes him hold you tighter against him. The closer you are to him, the more you can feel the tenting of his tewng growing underneath you where his dick was begging to be set free.

“Ah!” you let out a little yelp when he nips at your nipple just a bit too hard and he pops off of you.

“Sorry! Are you okay?” he says finally snapping back to his senses and properly looking at your face.

“Yeah, I just wasn’t ready for that one, that’s all.” You stare at each other trying to catch your breath still in each other’s embrace. Your pupils are blown wide open and your cheeks are flushed.

“Um, I think that should be good for tonight.” You say suddenly aware of how badly you needed to get home so that you could take care of the desperation growing in your dripping pussy. Neteyam clears his throat a bit regaining his composure before he nods in agreement. You stand to your feet and readjust your top so that it sat properly covering you. Neteyam swipes off the remnants of the forest floor on his skin and does his best to settle down his growing bulge enough to be able to make it home.

“Uh, did you want to head back first? Or should I?” you ask looking around to avoid looking him in the eye right now, because you don’t trust what you may do if you met his gaze.

“U-uh you go ahead. I’ll wait a little bit.”

“Cool….So, same time tomorrow?” you hope that you asking doesn’t come across as eager as you actually feel.

Neteyam’s ears twitch and his tail sways happily behind him at the prospect of getting to do this again tomorrow. He turns his body trying to hide his failed attempt at getting his dick to go down, “Sounds good to me.”

“Great. Well, good night, Teyam.” You call out to him starting down the path through the forest to your home.

Conflicted thoughts battle in your mind the whole walk home. Neteyam is your best friend. Not to mention, he was intended to mate with someone else. And you were happy for him. So why is this fluttery feeling erupting inside of you at the memory of his strong hold on your body against his? Why did your tail curl in contentment when he was near you? And why did his voice feel like velvet caressing your skin?

Somewhere inside of your mind, you knew this whole situation was just asking for trouble. Selfishly, though, that suspicion wasn’t enough to outweigh your desire to keep going.

‘It’s just practice. That’s all.’ You try to tell yourself. But deep in the most unnoticeable depths of your heart, you knew that was a lie.

Taglist: @soleilmoon @netemoon @fifia-writes @strangersav11

@eywascall @neteyamsluvts @heart-an0n @iman-lu @xylianasblog @theunfortunateplace @hyejusdiary @savvysscandles @randxmthxughts @tiredmamaissy @yeosxxx @atwow69 @bellstwd @iseeyouuu @afro-hispwriter @simp4ff @universal-s1ut @mynameisjuno @teyamsatan @uaze123 @nelissecrectplace  @angrypomeranianwifey @perfectxserendipity @yumimak @rainbowturdz @rhiannonhippiegirl @sullymenrhot @hiddensnow1

(Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist. If your tag isn't working, please check your settings.)

[ficthots]

Blinded

A/N: Okay, this is one of I believe like three fics that I have had like 90% complete for ages and I finally got it done. Set up on a blind date with Josh? Yes, please. Oh and some smut of course, it's me, C'mon. As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy!

Warnings: 18+ Content Only. DNI if under 18. Smut.

Word Count: 7k+

There hits a certain point in life where the once exciting and glamorous life of dating fades away and becomes an utter nuisance. It can happen at different stages of life for everyone. Friends and relatives finding their person early in life and can abruptly halt the dating process by their early twenties. Others play the field throughout their younger years, not in a hurry to settle down with just one person, but end up finding the one when they least expect it.

Now where did that leave you?

Devoid of all hope in the dating pool. That’s where. No one seemed to believe you though when you made claims about being happy with where you stood relationship wise. To most people, you could only be truly happy when you were getting said emotion from another being in which you share every aspect of your soul with.

That sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to you. You were content with just being with yourself despite others claiming it was actually just sad. In actuality it wasn’t sad in the least. Comfortable and content. Able to fully support yourself, in a career you loved, in an apartment you adored. What was there not to love?

According to your best friend Katie, a man to share some time with.

It’s why you were sitting alone at a dimly lit restaurant, sipping a glass of ice water, anxiously waiting for a complete stranger to occupy the open chair across from you. Given, you did arrive fifteen minutes earlier than you needed to, but your “date” was running a bit behind. 

Katie swore up and down that this person was going to change your outlook on relationships and how great of a guy he was. Josh. That was the name you were given. The only information you were given.

You were skeptical. First impression was he was running late and in your book that was a big no no. You were raised to always arrive preferably early and in the worst case scenario on time.

Eyes scanning the bustling restaurant, yours settled on a frazzled man standing at the hostess stand, his own eyes blown wide as his gaze settled on your table. Assuming she had informed him how long you had been sitting there, you felt slightly bad for him with how mortified he looked. Offering a small wave and shy smile in his direction, he nervously smoothed down his patterned shirt as he hurried to the table.

“Wow, I am so sorry, there was a major accident on the highway and I wanted to get here early,” you cut him off with a chuckle, the man out of breath from clearly having hustled to get there. “Don’t worry about it, I’m always early, I doubt you’re late at all.”

His smile grew at your obviously generous offer of peace to him. The waiter immediately approached the table, asking for a drink order. When he stated a request for two glasses of wine, you immediately spoke up. “Oh, actually none for me, thank you.” Brow furrowing and smoothing out right after, his cheeks tinted in embarrassment. 

“I’m sorry,” he started, but you again cut him off with a reasonable explanation in hopes to get him to relax. “No, don’t apologize. It’s a school night is all,” realizing as you watched his shocked expression take over his features, you immediately started to speak quickly. “Oh my god, that sounded horrible. I mean I’m a second grade teacher, not that I myself am still in school.” 

Feeling heat creep up your neck, he laughed. His hand wiped at imaginary sweat on his brow. “Phew. Had me worried there for a second,” you both laughed at the joke, taking a moment to silently peruse the menu. Small talk filled the quiet space surrounding you two as you both said what looked appetizing. 

Politely placing your respective orders, once the safety of your menu was removed, you took a moment to really look at him for the first time as he gave the waiter his order. 

His clothes were slightly dressier than his normal attire you assumed given you were on a date. Hair was a bit different than normal. Shaved sides, but a clearly permed updo. Earrings adorning both sides. No tattoos you could visibly see. He was most definitely attractive. 

When his attention fully settled on you, he beamed. His entire face lit up with excitement as his eyes fully settled on you for the first time since sitting down. Knowing he was taking you in the way you had just done with him. It had you fighting the urge to nervously fidget.

Deciding to break the ice first, you settled your intertwined hands on the tablecloth, giving a kind smile to the man and clearing your throat. “So, Josh, how do you know Katie?” He mimicked your actions, diving into his recount of their relationship. 

“Katie’s partner, Ryan, is very good friends with my twin brother, Jake. Given Jake is my twin, I am also good friends with Ryan, hence me knowing Katie through him.” Mind racing a million miles a minute as you mentally tracked the relationship, he turned the same question to you.

Smiling into your glass as you recalled your time with Katie, adoration for your best friend and her being your safe haven over all of the years. “Well, I met Katie my freshman year of college. She lived directly across the hall from me in the dorms. My roommate and I did not get along and there was one night where she was coming back with laundry, heard us fighting, and took me to her room. She’s been my best friend ever since.”

Josh’s soft smile made your nerves slowly melt away. Despite having just met the man, you had never seen someone listen so intently to your stories. Not even your students. It seemed as though he wanted to keep listening to you because he prompted you once more.

“Okay so you met in college. You’re a second grade teacher, you said. How long have you been doing that? Do you enjoy it?” Heart leaping in your chest at just the thought of talking about your job, you fawned over it. 

Immediately diving in, he watched in awe at how much you truly loved your job. “So yeah, I do love it. Given, it’s only my second year having my own classroom, it’s just such a great experience. My first year out of school I was a sub while I took all my exams, but nothing beats having your own room. The kids are great. It’s just fun.” Realizing how long you had been droning on, you felt heat take over your features.

“And it just dawned on me how long I’ve been talking,” you both laugh at your enthusiasm, but he waves it off. “No, it’s great! Trust me, I love hearing about people's passions and what makes them tick.” 

Shooting him a grateful smile for being so kind about your babbling, you encouraged him to share as your food was placed in front of you. “Anyways, you’ve probably learned more about me then you ever wanted to so please, your turn. What do you do for work?” Taking a bite of the salad you had ordered, his head slightly fell.

Clearing his throat as he stumbled over his words, your brows furrowed about why he was so nervous to tell you what he did for work. Did he not work? Did he have a horrible job? Live at home with mom and dad?

“I, uh, I’m in a band.” Your eyebrows shot up in surprise, mouth slightly falling open. Ah, there it was. “A band, huh?” Trying to feign enthusiasm for his career, he didn’t know you well enough to know that the higher pitch of your voice was you trying to be nice and listen.

Nodding as he finished chewing a bite of his own dish, he spoke again. “Yeah, me and my brothers.” Wow as if it couldn’t be worse, he dragged his poor siblings into that mess. “Siblings? How many siblings do you have?” Trying to get off the topic of his horrid job, you wanted to be able to get through the rest of this dinner. 

“Four, okay well technically three, but I count Danny as a brother.” Giving a weary smile, you shook your head, a smile plastered to your features. “Danny?” When it dawned on Josh that you truly had no idea who he was, a breath of relief washed over him. 

He dove in, excited to share about all of his siblings, what they all did in the band apart from his sister who you were overjoyed to learn has a real job. Engaging in polite conversation for the remainder of dinner was your goal until you were going to be able to make your escape and annihilate Katie. 

As the night wrapped up, Josh paid the bill with no hesitation, escorting you out to your car and offering you a good night. He claimed he had a blast with you and honestly you had as well until you learned about his job choice. You needed to be with someone who had a stable job, not someone who was going around parading that he was in some band with his brothers.

How embarrassing, you thought to yourself as you drove home. 

Katie was at your apartment first thing on Saturday, ready to hear all the juicy details about how the evening had gone. “Okay, spill! Did you like him? Did you fall in love?” Her funny accent on the last word had you rolling your eyes, sipping on your coffee she had brought. 

“You’re an ass first of all,” you started with. Her face fell into a puzzled expression, not understanding what the problem was. “What? Why?” Looking at her like she had two heads, she was clueless as to why you were irritated with her. 

Leaning forward and placing your coffee on the table, you stared her down. “Katie, look I get that you think my love life is in desperate need of repair, but setting me up with a fucking loser is where I draw the line.” Her jaw fell slack, eyes nearly bulging out of her head. 

“I don’t understand! What happened? What did he do?” Crossing your arms, you leaned back on your couch. “It’s what he doesn’t do. He’s in a band for a living, Katie! The man doesn’t even have a real job! I mean him alone is one thing, but to rope his brothers into that mess, too? His poor parents.”

Sipping your drink, you jumped when her cackle echoed off the walls. She was clutching her stomach, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m glad you think it’s hilarious, but I am offended.” As she calmed down, she took her phone from her pocket. 

“Birdie, did he tell you his band name?” You tried to recall, knowing he had, but you were more interested in your dinner than him at that point. “I mean, yeah, but it was weird.” Flipping her screen to show you, there he was on a Spotify page with his siblings. 

You were fairly certain your eyes fell out of your skull when you saw their monthly listener amount was over five million. Immediately going to her Instagram, you saw their band page had over a million followers, his face plastered all over the page. 

Putting your head in your hands, you felt nauseous as she continued to cackle next to you. “You’ve got to be kidding me. What the hell is the matter with you?” Grabbing the throw pillow from behind your back, you repeatedly hit her with it. 

“What? What did I do?” She asked as you stood, beginning to pace in your living room. “You couldn’t have given me a heads up? Instead you just put me in the lion's den with an actual celebrity!” She shrugged at your words. “If I did tell you, you wouldn’t have gone.”

Your eyes squeezed shut, feeling a migraine coming on. Replaying everything you had told him and embarrassment pummeling you as you replayed the events from the other night. “Still think he’s a loser, birdie?” 

Silently shaking your head, your gaze panned to her, worry on your features. “Yeah no, he thinks I’m the loser for sure. He probably thinks I’m the most boring person in the entire world.” Her lips sucked into her mouth, beginning to ask her questions. 

“Tell him you’re a teacher?” One nod. “How your main hobby is being the neighborhood bird lady?” Another nod. “And how you have a hobby slash craft bag with you at all times?” A final nod. She offered a shrug, a smile peeking on her lips. 

You couldn’t have been more mortified with how the date had gone. Honestly, it was the worst case scenario in your book. You were one hundred percent positive you were never going to hear from him again. 

Until Katie called you on your lunch break the following Monday. “Josh is totally in love with you!” She offered no other greeting apart from her exclamation, causing you to nearly choke on your sandwich.

Setting it down on your desk, you swallowed your bite, wiping your mouth with your napkin. “What? What are you talking about?” She immediately spewed all the information she had. According to her and Ryan, the night he got home from the date he dished out to Jake how smitten he was with you. How taken he was with you. That he wanted another date immediately. 

Sitting in total shock, she texted you his contact information and there it sat, staring at you as you got off the call with her. Katie said she didn’t want to set up the next date, that the ball was entirely in your court. If you want to go out with him again, text him. If not, ignore it and delete it from your phone. 

Gnawing on your lip, you sat on it for the rest of the school day. When you got home, you thought about it some more. Finally deciding, what the hell there was nothing to lose, you sent him a basic message. 

Not expecting a response from him that night, let alone at all, you were floored when your phone immediately dinged with a response. That was just the beginning.

You had never been on your phone as much as you were in the two weeks following your first text to him. It was constant back and forth, postponing your next date because of his travel plans and him knowing how you really did not enjoy going out on school nights, which he thought was adorable. 

When you finally were able to see him again, it was in an entirely different setting. With Katie standing next to you, Ryan to her other side, you were watching the show of a lifetime. Being able to hear him sing and perform the way he was able to was heartstopping. He and his brothers were so talented it was hard to fathom how much they had done to get to this point. 

It was one of the best nights you had ever had. Seriously, it was unlike anything you had ever seen before which was sparse to begin with, but now had set a standard you didn’t even know existed. 

Wobbling in nerves and excitement to see him following the conclusion of the show, you were overjoyed when he appeared. His expression was ten times more excited than yours which was saying a lot based on how you were currently feeling.

Sweeping you into a big hug, you laughed as he spun you around lightly. It was just you two in this wing of the tunnel, him saying this was the only area where you would have a moment of peace. “Birdie! What did you think of the show? No, wait, don't tell me yet. You can tell me at dinner after. Do you want to go get dinner? Everyones dying to meet you, so maybe after that, yeah?” 

He was speaking so quickly, you could only imagine how fast paced his own thoughts were. Only able to nod in somewhat understanding before he dragged you away, your stomach was a mess of butterflies as his cold hand enclosed with yours, leading you in the correct direction.

After a tiresome round of introductions, telling everyone how much you enjoyed the show, stating it was a pleasure meeting everyone, you finally had some quiet reprieve. Sitting in a diner booth, Josh opposite you, sharing fries and a shake, you giggled as he told you how nervous he was for the show tonight knowing you were watching.

As you went to gush about another part of the spectacle that you enjoyed you were interrupted by a group approaching your table. “Hi, we’re so sorry to bug you two, but we were just at your show! We are huge huge fans. Can we get some pictures and an autograph?” The group squealed as Josh slid out of the booth, engaging in easy chatter with them as he signed various things, took a bunch of photos and selfies, taking an extra minute to speak, reality set in.

Josh was a celebrity. He wasn’t just some guy that Katie had set you up with. No, he was an entire public entity that you really didn’t comprehend until just then. Sitting silently in a booth as he took fifteen to twenty minutes to engage with fans. It was amazing that he was so wonderful with them, but as each minute ticked by it was another minute of silent thought.

Of realizing that if you dated him or continued dating him, this was going to be your norm. A world you didn’t understand. One where you weren’t sure you were entirely comfortable with being approached on a night out time and time again while trying to enjoy some much needed time together. 

A stone sat in the bottom of your stomach, forcing a smile back on your face as he finally sat back down. He didn’t ask outright what was wrong, but he noticed the mood change almost immediately despite how well you were playing it off. 

There it went. The possibility of a great relationship with a guy who you knew you would have some amazing potential with. Why couldn’t things ever go your way? 

That night as Josh dropped you off at your apartment, you told him that. How you weren’t sure this was a lifestyle you could live with and be comfortable with. Losing all sense of privacy because of who your partner was. 

Despite how sad your confession made him, Josh understood. This life was not for everyone. Did that mean he was going to stop talking to you? Absolutely not. You were elated when he asked if he could at least maintain a friendship with you. 

Katie on the other hand needed more convincing. She knew how well you two got along, so ending a chance of a romantic relationship boggled her mind entirely. “It’s too much. It’s wildly intimidating. I can’t be in the public eye like that, Katie. That’s just not for me,” you told her on the phone during another lunch break.

She sighed on the other end of the call. “No, no, I get that, I do. But I don’t know, I just feel like there could be something with you two.” When you remained quiet for a beat too long, she knew you were thinking the same thing. 

Little did you know, this was just the start. The start of what you may ask? The endless pursuit Josh was about to be on to get you to change your mind. He wasn’t going to pressure you, but he was certain that if he could get you to spend enough time with him, it was going to be a piece of cake.

It’s why you agreed to open your home to him on a Friday night as you graded this past week's homework packets. Claiming on the phone when he asked to come over that you were engrossed with work and how easy it was to fall behind if you didn’t get things like this done immediately. He didn’t mind. 

In fact, he said it was perfect. How he had work he needed to get done as well and you two could enjoy one another's company as you worked side by side. He also assured you that he would provide takeout for the evening because you cannot work on an empty stomach. That’s how you ended up on one end of the sofa and him on the other, legs brushing against each other as you extended them out on the couch.

A quiet chuckle left your mouth as you reached page five in one student's packet. Josh’s head immediately looked up in your direction, one of the first words spoken all evening. “What’s so funny?” Flipping the packet over so he could see, his brow furrowed in confusion as to what he was looking at. 

“The assignment was to draw a character from one of their books on their reading log this week. She read Junie B. Jones and that is supposed to be Junie herself,” snorting as his jaw fell slack, he tried to play it off. “Well,” he flipped back to the front page before going back, “Stacy here has quite the imagination. Really took some creative liberty, huh?” 

Before long, you and Josh were on the same side of the couch, going through each packet and seeing how your other students had done with their drawings. His commentary is what really had you bursting at the seams, hand clutching your stomach from the cramps that were happening.

He took another bite of his spring roll as he finally caught his breath. “Oh god, you would love Steven. Seriously, he is such a talented boy. He’s been doing figure skating since he was three and man he has such an energy around him, it’s amazing to see.” Josh’s smile lit up his face, seeing how much you knew about your students and how you truly cared for them.

As you two finished working for the night and wrapped up, Josh left your home that evening having fallen for you even more. How that was even possible, he had no clue, but he had. It was frustrating. His entire plan revolved around him getting you to fall for him, but each time you spent time together he felt himself slipping more and more for you. 

You would never admit it to him outright, but when he told you he was going to be gone for the next two weeks for work things he had to handle, you were sad. Over the previous weeks, you two had been spending quite a bit of time together. 

Getting used to him being around, even on school nights, was not helping your case. Having to remind yourself why you weren’t with him to begin with was becoming more and more difficult as time went on. Especially because you didn’t see him in that context ninety-nine percent of the time, it was easy to fall for just Josh. Not the Josh who was the frontman for a globally known rock band. 

Him being gone for a couple of weeks was like being splashed with cold water. Drenching you in the reality of who he was and what his career entailed. It was easy to forget all of that when he helped you grade science projects and shopped for craft supplies with you. 

What didn’t help was how often you two kept in contact while he was gone. It was torture being up in front of your students and knowing your phone was buzzing up a storm in your top desk drawer and having to wait until recess break to respond. 

Katie thought it was adorable. Confessing to her more than once that your feelings were becoming too much too fast, she told you to lean into them. To forget the main aspect of who Josh was and to just focus on the man he was when he was with you. It was easy to follow that advice and honestly you did. Yet, when something for his band would pop up it was a slap in the face to the reality of the situation.

When he finally returned home after his prolonged absence, you were over the moon when he picked you up for dinner on the night of his return. Rushing out to his car, he was waiting for you on the passenger side, sweeping you into a huge embrace.

“There’s my birdie girl,” he spoke softly into your hair, arms wrapped so tightly around your waist it would’ve hurt with anyone else, but not Josh. All doubts and worries seemingly melting away at that moment. 

As you sat in the passenger seat and he drove you to your location, you knew you needed to play this better. As you arrived at your location, Josh having filled you in on the details of his trip on the way, you narrowed your eyes at the building.

“This is awfully date like, Josh,” you spoke, but he waved you off immediately. “Absolutely not,” you two walked in the front doors together and were greeted by the typical look of a dive bar, a small bowling alley in the back. 

Sitting at a high top table, he sighed, a big grin on his face as his dagger earring swayed from his movement. “I would never take a date here. A friend, though? Absolutely,” shrugging and playing into his game, you perused the menu. “Well then since we’re friends you won’t mind seeing me eat then.”

Josh’s smile only grew at your words, accepting the challenge you were putting out to him. As the waitress approached your small two top table, you immediately placed your order. “I would like a Coors Banquet, your double bacon cheeseburger with no lettuce or onion, the loaded garlic fries, and,” you trailed off at the end, looking over the dessert menu, “oh, and once I’ve finished that, a slice of your New York cheesecake.”

Giving her a large smile as you handed the menu over, you turned to Josh to see him grinning. “Just a veggie burger with sweet potato fries and I will also have a Coors Banquet,” he handed her the menu, thanking her by name and eyeing you. “Surprised you’re drinking tonight,” he said as he tied his straw wrapper into a knot.

Offering a shrug, your chin tipped high. “It’s Friday, I’m allowed one.” As you two waited for your order, you told Josh all about how your school week had been. “I’m just so stressed about it because Mrs. Thompson in the front office is making such a big deal about field day for my class and I have it under control, but she is really pressuring me about getting more chaperones. I already have three, which is more than the other lower grade classes have. I know she’s just pressuring me because I’m the youngest, but it’s stressful.”

He listened as you vented, but spoke up right away. “I’ll chaperone. Hell, I might even be able to get my brothers to do it, too.” You shook your head. “No, I don’t want you to do that. No one wants to volunteer their free time to go watch and help with booths for a bunch of kids they don’t even know.”

Rolling his eyes, his tongue darted out to wet his lips before taking a swig of his beer. “Fine then just me. Let me help you. You’ve been talking about how stressed you are for field day nonstop for weeks. I can help, birdie, really and I’d like to.” Sitting in quiet thought for a moment, you gave in.

“Really?” His hands enclosed around yours on the tabletop. “Absolutely.” Feeling a smile take over your face, your food was placed in front of you moments after. You both demolished your food, hungrier than you even realized, but Josh was eyeing the bowling alley. 

Seeing where his eyes kept darting to, you gave in. “Fine, we will play one game!” Needing something to sweeten the deal, you both bet on the loser having to pick up the check. What Josh did not expect was you to be a borderline professional bowler. 

As he stared at the screen and the massive points difference, you smiled triumphantly. “Did I ever tell you that I did bowling in high school, did a league with my grandparents, and nearly accepted a college scholarship for bowling?” He whirled around, shock taking over his face.

“You hustled me! You’re a hustler.” Reaching behind you and grabbing the check off the table, you extended it towards him. “Maybe, maybe not. I believe this belongs to you, sir.” He snatched it from your hands, leaving cash before dragging you out of his favorite place. 

When you arrived back at your apartment, you sat in his car, seeing him eye you. “What’re you doing for the weekend?” You sighed, grabbing your list from your purse. “Craft shopping. Need to get a jump on field day.” 

Without you having to ask, he grabbed his own phone and you watched as he canceled plans with other friends. “Okay, I’ll pick you up tomorrow at ten, sound good?” You couldn’t fight the smile taking over your face. 

Leaning over the center console, you gave him a small peck on the cheek. “Yeah, thanks, Joshy.” As you got out of the car and spared one glance at him, his face was beat red. A small chuckle escaped your throat as you headed inside. 

The amount of time you and Josh were spending together was growing exponentially. It was rare when there was a time he wasn’t near or around you. His siblings knew that if he were MIA and they called nine times out of ten, he was going to be with you. 

Whether it was being at your apartment nightly to do “work”, sitting in your classroom with you for lunch, going out to dinner every weekend, it never failed that he was with you. It was becoming normal for you to expect him to be around, too. Knowing it was going to like clockwork, he would show up at your classroom door at 11:09 at least once a week, lunch in hand.

The office ladies knew him so well now that when he would show up, his guest name tag was already filled out, and the front door unlocked for him to go through. It wasn’t rare for him to have a little treat for them as well. 

What was getting old was the constant bombardment of opinions from everyone. Your coworkers, Katie and Ryan, your parents, even Josh’s siblings were all pushing for the relationship to actually happen. It didn’t matter what excuse you gave them, it wasn’t good enough.

It was getting harder to make yourself believe them, too. Your initial reasoning was beginning to fade, trying to make yourself see that the Josh that was a public figure wasn’t around you very often if at all. It was also worth noting that it was because they were on a small recovery session between albums and tours.

Knowing that in just a month's time he was going to be fully embedded in that world again was sitting heavy on your chest. These feelings that you have never experienced with or for someone else were intense, but it was difficult wrapping your head around the idea that he was going to be snapping into a different persona soon. 

Sooner than you wanted.

Instead, you opted to soak up the time you did have with him. In any way you could. Which was why you were sitting in his massive home, watching him clean up his kitchen after having cooked you one of the best meals you had ever eaten in your life. Since it was a Saturday night, you were three glasses of wine deep since your arrival, getting ready to pour yourself a fourth. 

A smirk appeared on your lips as Josh denied topping your glass off for another time. “What, afraid you’ll get me too drunk?” His cheeks pinkened at your words, immediately shaking his head. “No, no, of course not. Can’t believe you would assume such a thing.” He scoffed, making you chuckle into your nearly empty glass.

Watching him as he fidgeted on his end of the couch, within touching distance if you would just stretch your hand out. Feeling the softness of his curls twine into your fingers. The warmth radiating from his neck as your lips trailed along his rapidly beating pulse. 

Perhaps it was the liquid courage, but you were wiggling in your seat. The thick seam of your jeans pushing just right on your aching core if you could move in the correct fashion. You were far too gone to notice how entirely obvious you were being, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

All your thoughts were centered around how Josh’s veiny hands were trying to mask the growing bulge in his already too short khaki shorts. How you were quite certain if you leaned forward ever so slightly and if he had himself positioned right, you would be able to see his weeping tip resting against his thigh. 

Setting your glass on his coffee table, you inched closer to him. What you didn’t realize was that without noticing it, you were practically on his lap as is. Which is why he was beat red, sweat beginning to glisten on his brow, a slight tremble in his hands that failed to mask his clear arousal. 

Your hands were already in his locks, tugging ever so often, a cascade of whimpers sounding from the back of his throat. Eyes struggling to remain open and focused on whatever program you had long forgotten about.

“Do you like this, Joshy? Being touched?” Your hand softly glided over his cloth covered erection, him putting up no fight to block your advances. His adam’s apple bobbed at your words, surprised that you were so willing to take control like this. 

Cupping your hand around him, a moan escaped in a breath between his teeth. “Very impressive if I do say so myself.” You murmured into his ear, but he couldn’t respond in words. Unable to form even a semblance of a cohesive thought. 

Lips being continuously moistened as his tongue darted out repeatedly, almost a nervous tick you memorized. Finally catching it right, you leaned in, capturing his tongue in your own mouth. Josh put up no fight, immediately letting you forcefully put your lips on his.

In a hurried mess of removing clothing, not having moved an inch from your positions on the couch, you both sat naked, sweat glistened bodies colliding together. Your hips writhed on his, forcing you to continue your movements, chasing your releases. 

Hands digging into his shoulder blades, fingers tightly holding onto the curls at the nape of his neck, feeling him nestled deep inside you in a way you couldn’t recall ever feeling before. His mouth ever chasing your own and your tits that bounced in his face with every movement you made.

His own hands left imprints deep on your ass cheeks, bruising indentations. As you felt your orgasm slam into you, your body shook with force. Josh’s arms wrapped securely around you to keep you upright, he having finished just moments before. 

The rest of the evening was spent tangled with one another on the sofa, under a blanket that had been draped over the back of his cushion. Worth more than you probably saw in three months paychecks, but for this fleeting moment you let yourself fall into the ideas.

Of what might be able to be. Seeing his blushy cheeks as he peered down at you from above, a smile never falling, fingers tracing every inch of you they could. Falling asleep right next to each other, him pressed tightly against your bare back, arm draped over you. 

The tv drowning out any noise for the remainder of your time. What you tried to get off your mind was the quiet conversation had occurred. Where Josh had asked you why not.

Why not give this a try? Why not be together for real? Why continue to deal with this ridiculous attempt at friendship? Your response hadn't been what he was expecting.

That the reason why was because you were intimidated. Not by him, you had clarified, but by his life. That you were terrified of his entire world. Not sure you were up for that task.

He had dropped it immediately despite how sad it made him feel. Letting you get rest for the remainder of the evening. You left the next morning before Josh woke up.

After what had happened you and Josh had hardly spoken. Terrified that what progress you had made with him as a friend had gone out the window diminished when you saw him appear at your classroom door early on field day morning.

To make it better, adorning the t-shirt he had told you he would never be caught dead wearing on the off chance it could leak to the media. It would ruin his cool guy reputation he claimed. You had only rolled your eyes in response, but now you felt tears welling in them instead. 

“You came,” you sniffled as he tilted his head at you. “Of course I did. I would never let my favorite teacher down. In case you didn’t know, I was a teacher's pet during my time in school and that never leaves you even as you grow up.” You wiped at your eyes, not believing him. 

“Really?” He shook his head, bottom lip pushing out. “Not at all, but I’m trying to get brownie points here so work with me.” You both laughed and you couldn’t help yourself as you crossed the room, throwing yourself into a tight embrace.

His hands rubbed soothing circles on your back before pulling back wiping at your eyes. “Alright, no more tears. Don’t need the kids seeing you a mess. Where do you need me, birdie?” A large smile took over your face as you turned and began giving directions.

The entire day while tiresome went off without a hitch. Every booth was packed with kids of all ages, prizes awarded, games played, and a wonderful close to the school year. Even though you had been more than occupied all day, you couldn’t help but look over to Josh every chance you could. 

Seeing him interact with your students and kids of all ages had your stomach in a mess of butterflies. He was a natural with them. It wasn’t long before other students were asking him to help with their activities or be their partner for different challenges and games. 

He took it in stride, letting them pull him in a million different directions. You could tell as the day came to a close, all booths packed and cleaned, sorting items in your classroom that he was exhausted, but still had that signature Josh smile on his face. 

“Okay, it was your first field day. How’re you feeling?” You asked, putting empty glitter pens in the trash. A long sigh escaped his lips, leaning against one of the open desks. “I don’t know how you do this everyday. You are a saint.” You laughed with a shrug. 

“Eh, it’s not so bad. It’s the end of the school year so they have an energy they typically don’t during the year. It’s fun seeing how much they’ve grown in just a handful of months though. Kids are amazing,” Josh spoke up right after. 

“No, you’re amazing. They wouldn’t be growing like that if it weren’t for the superheroes you guys truly are. It’s all you guys,” you felt pride shoot through your veins at his statement. Murmuring a small thank you at his kind words, you finished your task. 

Clearing your throat, you knew it was now or never. “You know, I did hear a rumor today.” His eyebrows show up, quickly glancing up at you as he wiped down desks. “Oh yeah?” You gave back a head nod. “Yeah. Something about a teacher having a crush on one of the chaperones.” 

Josh stopped wiping the desk, standing upright and crossing his arms over his chest. “Is that so? Cause I heard a rumor during the three-legged race that one of the chaperones has a crush on a certain teacher.” 

Playing along, you leaned back against your own desk as he slowly crossed the room to you. “Is that so?” His expressive facial expressions had you giggling. “Totally. Apparently, and this is just rumors,” you cut him off, “Of course.” He chuckled, still moving towards you. “Apparently, he’s been chasing her for months now.” 

Feigning surprise, you continued. “Months you say?” He nods, earrings moving with his movements. “Months. Ever since their first date and even though she keeps trying to push him away he just keeps falling harder for her each time.” 

A sad, but soft smile adorns your lips. His hands find home on your hips, pulling you towards him. “Maybe it’s because she’s insecure about who she’s with. She’s a teacher who makes dirt for money, spends all of her time with seven and eight year olds, and is a self proclaimed neighborhood bird lady.”

His head tips back as he laughs, adams apple bobbing. “Well then it’s a good thing I make good money, I basically am a seven or eight year old depending on who you ask, and love that you’re the bird lady.”

Her eyes narrow as she wraps her arms around his neck. “You’ll have to help me here, Josh. Really, I feel like I’m getting in over my head.” He quells your worries right there as he pulls you to him, lips connecting in a soft kiss. 

“Don’t worry, I can teach you a thing or two about this if you can help me with my times tables.” You fall into a mess of laughter, but the tint on his cheeks lets you know he’s serious. “No, really. When we were grading their homework packets it was embarrassing how often I had to use my calculator.” 

Nodding, your head nudges to your desk. “I have some spares for you to practice on.” He laughs, head falling forward as he does.

“Okay good. Just don’t let Sam see them. He’ll never let me live it down.” 

[lymooniee]

Why I hc Shadow as autistic:

Just gonna preface this before I begin, this is all for fun and is a headcanon of mine. Your headcanons may be different to mine and that's valid too! Any grammar mistakes uh- ignore because I'm too lazy to edit this like crazy.

I will also link the video I made of all the moments, too, since it is way too long to post it on here. Keep in mind that not every moment is in the video, but like 95 percent of it is.

Shadow for me has always shown plenty of signs of being autistic, I'll provide as much evidence as I possibly can while doing my best to try and keep this at a reasonable length.

Shadow has always been the silent type of character when he is written correctly or, in other words, whenever Shiro Maekawa was involved with his writing in SA2, heroes and 06. Currently Prime too has done his character justice. I have to state this because I feel this is the best possible way of actually understanding Shadow as a character, so I'll mainly be touching his good characterizations and then some from his own game (not a lot however). He was silent, lonely, calm and often was in his head more than outwardly speaking out. I believe many autistic people like myself, connected to this side of him. Facing with so many adversities because of our differences from others, we become shut in and lonely too, since most autistic people don't feel as if they fit in. You can easily argue this is because of his ptsd from losing Maria, but I'd like to challenge the idea that it can easily be both and his ptsd enhances his traits.

I'll first begin with SA2, Shadow's first scene with eggman to me is quite hilarious if you put a different lens on it, the way he stand there ignoring Eggmans questions and then quickly demands Eggman to abide his rules. It puts Eggman into shock, but I think you could tie these moments that Shadow has as an autistic trait of his. Social cues are quite difficult for a lot of autistic people, and having no filter adds into this difficulty. The way Shadow ignores Eggmans questions to quickly ask him to do what he wants instead really emphasizes this point I made.

I love how he remains calm too, he doesn't yell this at Eggman and instead walks away casually and confidently. It's always been one of my most favourite moments with him. It really does make him stand out as he was able to influence Eggman to follow his wishes. If we want to talk about when he gets introduced to Sonic, I find this moment also again pretty funny in an endearing way when you put in this perspective. Sonic running to him asking Shadow to say something to speak, as Shadow stares at Sonic with silence. He's once again in his head more so than externally present, he also may be struggling to craft up a response or is at a lost with why Sonic is desperate for an answer. Conversations or socially interacting with people is challenging for most autistic people for a plethora of reasons so anything can really explain why Shadow here wasn't responding.

I've also found some of his moments when thinking of Maria (two specific moments being when Amy encourages him to help fight and the other being before Rouge approaches him to ask why he saved her), these moments he's very in tuned with his thoughts. After realizing his true promise with Maria he is in his head not responding right away to Amy, he sheds a tear and runs quickly to help and exclaims how he has to go now to keep that promise. This confuses Amy, however she doesn't stop Shadow or anything. When Rouge approaches Shadow and saying it was unexpected and unlike him to save her, he answers by saying that he didn't go to save her and was doing it for the chaos emeralds. She clearly catches on that this isn't the entire truth, this moment to me is harder to explain. But I think it's because of how he struggles to express his true intentions and feelings in the matter, similar to the Amy one before because he doesnt understand his own empathy.

Now one of if not the most obvious moments in SA2 is when Amy mistakes Shadow for Sonic, he slowly turns to look at her. Doesn't say a word or anything the entire time, and just continues to stare at her. I always loved this moment. I feel this one just speaks for itself lmao.

Now moving onto Sonic 06 moments (sorry there's not a lot in heroes tbh. There is a lot in Sonic X/Prime, Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, and the Twitter takeovers though!) Sonic 06 main one points out how he is going to discover himself and make his own path. I've always loved this about him as a character, he's not there for anybody but himself, he knows he is different. He will embrace this about himself and not let others try to make up what he has to be. Other subtle traits in 06 are also ways in which he responds to those around him, head nods or simple "yes" responses. Again, it's his way of expressing himself in conversation that really hints at his struggles for social cues. I also adore when Rouge asks him a question and he once again demands for something, and she is like "ok cool, but you didn't answer my question?" Moments like that not only add a lot of charm to him, but something I really connected too because I do this all the time without realizing it. I think partially it's because I get stuck with my own thoughts and those questions I feel I've already got it answered for myself so it's prolly similar where that realization that you may know the answer already, but the other doesn't just doesn't click together sometimes. It could also be because he needs to get out what he needs right away to feel a sense of stability.

Sonic x just has a lot of funny moments that really make his character shine, when he crashes the plane with Espio, Vector and Charmy. He doesn't use his words and instead guides it down forcefully, I similarly do stuff like this where I struggle to express what I need or have to do so I usually just do it without saying it. This happens often when people are in the way of something I have to get to. Like if I have to throw out something for example. I also love that when Espio asks why Shadow didn't just ask, Shadow responds by saying he needs to go find Dark Oak and then just crashes straight into the wall. He really just has such a difficult time expressing exactly why he needs to do things lmao. I also love how he has a challenging time understanding instructions. Eggman asks him to do something and because to Shadow they didn't feel clear, he asks more than once for confirmation. Or when he gives the silent treatment to Rouge and she teases him about it, he just walks away without a word. Now this isn't only applied to Sonic X but Shadow has a really REALLY REAAAALLLY difficult time finding the true intentions of people, Sonic X he gets upset at Rouge and Chris for calling him out on trusting Eggman. He gets defensive and argues back at them saying that Eggman is worthy of trusting because he knows the most about him. It's all he has even though Eggman has been evidenced of tricking others around him. There's countless of other times where Shadow struggles with this, like basically every moment in his own game where he blindly trusts Black Doom. One other moment too I can't exactly remember which game it was, but Rouge was clearly lying and goes "you can trust me! really!!" And he does and then tells her absolutely everything that she wanted to hear.

Sonic prime moments are a lot less, but I do feel his way of just remaining very inwardly or to himself about things can once again be his difficulty in trusting. The way he also overanalyzes a lot of things around him as well. I also just love certain scenes like, "they're air shoes" or "hardly, I'm the ultimate lifeform" because he is blunt and took it quite literally. As he usually does in Prime, where he takes things quite seriously in general. I also feel because sonic is very VERY adhd coded in prime, it really does emphasize the contrast between the two of how someone with autism may interact with someone with adhd. In the most recent episode, he once again finds it difficult to express his protectiveness and plays it off. Or when he does compliment Sonic, he just glares at him when Sonic somewhat jokes around because it felt out of character for Shadow to do that. Even though Shadow was just being blunt about his thoughts and had a moment where he does express properly, but then his glare somewhat shows once again how he has a difficult time crafting up responses lmao.

Some more stuff but more miscellaneous, the Twitter takeovers is funny but it depends on if we want to take it as canon. He loves dry foods, adores kittens to the point he wants an orphanage (connection to animals on a deeper level), he has an organized bedtime routine, and yeah that's basically all the ones I can think of atm. These are quite explanatory I feel. Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog shows he has empathy but struggles to show it similar to basically every other moment I've described, but also just love that he can't handle computers I think that's so funny idk why. I can't even describe how it's an autistic moment for him it just feels like it. He stims with his quills a lot as well, which ugh I adore so so so much.

A lot of these things I've expressed about Shadow come from just from me loving him but also being able to see myself in him as well. I'm happy that Prime is bringing back his character to what it was, I think so many people love Shadow in the fandom simply because of how much they relate to him. He's such great representation despite it not being canon, because of how easily those can see themselves in him. I really do love Shadow and I know this is super long so if you read this, thank you and I hope you enjoyed it.

Have a cute photo of him as a reward ♡

[the-owl-tree]

I know it’s unpopular and ig would be seen as chronically online but. a little annoyed at the “UGH 🙄 and here come THOSE people” @ comments those being horrified abt Frostpaw being spayed and connecting it to real life events like bipoc being sterilized against their will. I personally am not one of those people, nor do I think it’s anywhere near that serious or on that level bc I thought it was an interesting turn in the books, but as a black afab myself who would most definitely face forced sterilization if I were not a more privileged individual, (because you know the health system itself loves to play around with our bodies like science experiments as though we cannot physically feel pain) I’m gonna need the yt warrior cats fans to cut it out w the snide superiority complex on “lesser takes” and understand there’s people who are gonna reasonably draw comparisons to these events and see how incredibly horrifying it is what the anthropomorphic cat just went through. not to hit a fucking beehive but why is it acceptable to understand the harmful impacts of misogyny in the series affect people in the real world but misoginoir is taking a step too far?

discourse on bumble being a domestic abuse victim has people understanding and drawing comparisons between that and real life events but we draw the line when woc are brought up. okay. why?

this isn’t at you btw because you generally have nuanced takes and take the time to consider what people are actually saying but like. what’s going on here I’m genuinely blindsided by people rolling their eyes. it is an issue. it’s a huge issue and it’s still happening in places! can’t speak for other countries but it’s still legal on a federal level in the U.S where I live and in my state. my problem isn’t the people drawing comparisons with Frostpaw. my problem is the reaction to that. I don’t understand why one systematic issue can be discussed and the other not without scrutiny and handled as though it’s not as serious topic.

also to note: I am aware that Frostpaw being spayed was not based on any perceived race or ethnicity. I am aware that this was simply for shock value (as of the moment, anyway ((which is what makes it worse imo but that’s another convo))) and I am aware that I cannot speak on behalf of anyone facing this issue but myself and cannot reasonably say that anyone drawing these conclusions will always 100% take the matter as seriously as needed. however I can say that it is a bit difficult for me to accept that in a world where each character has human intelligence, thoughts wishes and feelings, that the concept of forced sterilization, abhorrent and frightening outside of normal cat understanding, frankly should be handled with the utmost care able to be expended. I know it will not be. I am aware. the authors have a history of using their personal bias to push racist narratives before. I understand that people are saying handle the subject with tact and maturity. I just do not believe it is the right or position of a mostly white fanbase to police the discussion of what happens to women of color because we are often spoken over as is. I hope that I have made my point clear? I’m not the best at explaining myself over subjects I’m passionate about, so I may have tripped over my words a bit. I do apologize if it came off as talking in circles

I'll admit, when I first read the spoilers and learned what happened, I drew some connections but I also agree that it's not nearly on that level. But I think it would be wildly inappropriate if I tried to talk on that as a white person.

I don't have much to add, but I think you've raised some pretty understandable concerns and you're very clear in your points, I didn't have any trouble following you! I genuinely have a lot of concerns about the plotline and I think you're right that it's important to be open about these discussions.

[moraygrotto]

new kink fic!

This is a commission for the lovely @askbloatedbellyblog; thank you so much for being a patron of the arts!

Featured is Xiè Lián doing some very important martial god training :)

Contains referenced vôre, stuffing, burping, belly expansion, feeding, and praise. Also HuāLián being mushy, haha

~🍁~

It was on a cool autumn day Xie Lian first heard the prayer that would change his life. Red maple leaves brushed against his shrine, a harbinger of colder days to come, so through his bafflement, he figured the little worshipper kneeling before him might simply be asking for warmth. Perhaps they wanted shelter; perhaps that was what they meant by their whispered prayer of “please take me into you, Your Highness…”

To Xie Lian’s shock, however, they continued. “Let me show you my devotion by becoming your nourishment,” they said. “I can think of no higher honor than to be consumed by my god.” It truly sounded as if the worshipper, incense in hand and wrapped in the garb of a well-off member of the farmer class, wanted the god Xie Lian to appear before them and gobble them up.

Perched on the crude altar table, doing his best to make out the murmurs over the brushing of wind through the fields beyond the shrine, he figured he could do one of those things.

Gods were not really supposed to appear in the flesh before the common people, it was true. Xie Lian, however, was far past the mores of the Upper Court, owing both to his power and to his shamelessness. So, he slipped into visibility, standing before his altar, extending one hand in benevolence to his worshipper.

Their eyes went wide. “Your Highness Prince Xianle!” they said. Their hands trembled around the incense, and they did not accept their god’s offered hand. “...Why are you making that face?”

“No reason,” Xie Lian blurted. “I was just rather curious what you meant by that prayer, is all.”

Looking up at him, their eyes sparkled. “Your Highness,” they said faintly, then seemed to collect themself. They bowed their head reverently, and spoke. “I have heard tell, around this humble corner of the mortal realm, that the most true and absolute way to worship a god… is to offer oneself up to them, as food on a platter.” They blushed, but did not look away. “I… consider myself one of your worshippers, of course, and I can think of no greater happiness than to be swallowed up by you.”

Xie Lian blinked, and fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve. “Like, actually?” he said.

“Yes!” his worshipper replied at once. “I ask not to feel the inside of your true being, of course, but if you could please send an image of yourself to accept me, I would be honored beyond words.”

“Please wait a moment,” Xie Lian said. “A clone like that would not be able to do anything I can’t do, and I’m not a cannibal. I’ve never eaten anyone before, much less swallowed a human whole.” He would not usually tell so much about his body and his power to a stranger, but this human’s request had caught him so offguard that he felt the need to justify himself. Then, he crouched down, leveling with his strange new friend like a parent speaking to his child. “Is this rumor,” he said gently, “that has been circulating around the human realm, related at all to the Night Touring Green Lantern?” 

Demons he knew to consume human flesh, and some ghosts even made it a habit. If a certain cannibal cousin of his planted the idea of Xie Lian gobbling innocent people up in order to besmirch his name, he would need to ignore this worshipper’s request and get to the bottom of the issue.

Instead, they blinked blankly up at him. “Who?”

Smiling, Xie Lian relaxed, and sat back on his heels. “Nobody at all,” he said.

“In truth,” the human pressed, “they rumor was told to me rather surreptitiously, by a friend who… similarly yearns to show their devotion. It would be an honor, I promise, not a shame.”

For the first time in his life, Xie Lian then sized a human up like a meal. Perhaps, he thought as he looked their body up and down, this was how his cousin Qi Rong felt all the time. Just as quickly, he banished Qi Rong from his mind, and tried to focus on this human and their request.

They were not tall, but they were muscular from working the fields. Their face looked consummately eager, but Xie Lian was not sure he could return their enthusiasm. There was no way this entire human could fit down his throat, then into his stomach, and stay there comfortably.

He sighed, and placed one hand on his worshipper’s shoulder, trying to appear as wise as he could. “Be content with your life as it is for now,” he said, “and know that by praying to me, your essence is become a part of me, and serves my power. I am grateful to you, human, as all gods are to their believers.”

“...Oh.” Eyes downcast, they nodded. “If there is anything more I could do to be worthy of such ultimate service, please do give me a sign,” they whimpered.

As Xie Lian faded away and left the shrine, he couldn’t help but feel pity for the little human.

Eating a person with said person’s consent couldn’t truly be difficult for a god of his power. Slowly, a familiar determination began to creep over Xie Lian. With confidence, and a little bit of training, he could do anything at all.

~🍁~

“Oh, Your Highness~” Hua Cheng drawled as Xie Lian entered his room. Hua Cheng was painting, but set his brush down upon seeing his partner.

“Hello, San Lang,” Xie Lian said. His interaction at the shrine was replaying over and over in his head, each time with more urgency– that human yearned so dearly to be eaten; out of the kindness of Xie Lian’s heart, he would have to do it one way or another.

“My esteemed prince,” said Hua Cheng, moving aside on his cushion to make room for Xie Lian next to him. “What’s that look in your eyes for? You merely went to check on a few of your new countryside shrines today, yes?” Though his words were relaxed, he had a stormy look in his eye, as if plotting in advance his revenge against whatever was causing Xie Lian worry.

“Nothing, San Lang,” Xie Lian said, sinking down beside him and cuddling into his arms. A bowl of sunflower seeds sat on the table next to Hua Cheng’s landscape painting, which Xie Lian happily reached for. Cracking one between his teeth, he thought how different it would be to squeeze a whole human down his throat. A half-crunched seed could go down without issue, but the width of a person’s shoulders would inch down uncomfortably, and make him gag. Alive, they would also probably squirm and wriggle.

A gentle “tsk, tsk, tsk” was coming from Hua Cheng. “I can’t just let my beloved stew in worry, now, can I?” He cracked a sunflower seed’s shell cleanly between his fingers, then handed the undamaged seed to Xie Lian. “Would you prefer I hunt down what troubles you myself, and bring them to a swift end?”

“Please don’t,” Xie Lian replied at once. Then, he ate the sunflower seed, nibbling pensively. “Dear,” he said slowly, “I say this out of curiosity, and not distrust, but…” He looked up at him, at his cool, patient eyes, and pale skin. The master of Ghost City looked outstanding for a dead man.

“Yes, my beloved?” Hua Cheng said.

Xie Lian swallowed. “Since you are a ghost, and it’s your right, I suppose, to do so…” He watched Hua Cheng crack a sunflower seed shell between his elegant white teeth. “Have you ever eaten anyone before?” he asked.

Hua Cheng’s laugh rang out sonorous and clear. “No,” he said. “I got close, a few times, in the desperation of my youth before becoming a Supreme, but I’ve never been driven all the way to such an extreme. Nor have I ever… chosen such a path toward obtaining spiritual power, like Black Water does.”

“That’s not exactly what I’m talking about,” Xie Lian said bashfully. “In Ghost City, for example, I wouldn’t think it out of the ordinary at all for one demon to… ask another to eat it. Has anyone ever made such a request of you, and, well, would you fill it?”

The taste of sunflower seeds lingered in Xie Lian’s mouth over a long, awkward pause.

A soft and deep rumbling slowly began to reverberate out of his Hua Cheng, which steadily grew into a diabolical laugh. “Gege,” he said after a minute, “that is fantastic! Someone really asked you to swallow them down?”

“I didn’t say that, but it’s true; someone–”

Hua Cheng faced Xie Lian, leant close, and opened his lower lip with one thumb. “Someone,” he said, “other than me?”

“Now, hold on, please!” Xie Lian said, pulling away and taking Hua Cheng’s cool hand in both his warm ones. “I will explain everything to you, San Lang… Though I admit I don’t understand all the details yet myself.”

At Xie Lian’s grasping his hand, Hua Cheng seemed to calm. “If Gege will tell,” he said brightly, “San Lang will listen.”

“Very good,” Xie Lian said teasingly, then set his hand down atop his white-clad lap.

“I was touring around my countryside shrines,” he began, “as you know. It was lovely and cool out today, so I saw several mortals who had come to pray.”

Hua Cheng nodded, and made a small noise of approval.

“I know,” Xie Lian continued in his babying tone. “San Lang is happy that I’m becoming more popular as a god, and I am too. Popularity, however, seems to come with several features I would not have expected. For, at a small shrine on the outskirts of a countryside town, I found a worshipper who was praying for me to, well… consume them.”

“What did Gege do?” Hua Cheng asked eagerly.

“I thought about it,” Xie Lian confessed, “and decided that I probably couldn’t fit a whole human down my throat, or in my stomach.”

“...And how do you feel about that?” Hua Cheng said after a pause.

Xie Lian shifted, stiffening, and grabbed a sunflower seed to crack idly in his fingers. “A bit dissatisfied, to be honest,” he blurted out at last. “I mean, there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to squeeze one down, right?” He extracted the seed, and swallowed it morosely. “I feel as if I’ve been negligent in my training.”

“Gege can do anything,” Hua Cheng said, and pressed a kiss into his hair.

“Thanks,” Xie Lian chuckled. “I… was going to ask how you felt about me swallowing down a –very much consenting!– human, but you’re supportive?”

Hua Cheng gave a single laugh from deep within his chest. Xie Lian didn’t need to ask if he was supportive. “Do you really want to know what I think?” he said.

Smiling, Xie Lian brushed a lock of Hua Cheng’s inky dark hair behind his shoulder. “Sure,” he replied, “if you’d like to share.”

Hua Cheng did not say anything, only took back up his paintbrush, and wetted it at his inkstone. After blotting off one bulbous drop of ink, he brought it to the corner of the intricate landscape he had been painting, where a craggy rock overlooked the land. Using the very tip of his brush, he traced out three lines that Xie Lian could tell at once to be his own hat. Then, he drew a few flowing brushstrokes to represent his signature hairstyle. Down his back flowed his simple clothes, and lines formed the length of his sleeves, arms reaching before him to hold something, which he gracefully, intricately, finally drew.

Xie Lian no longer saw himself at all. Hua Cheng rounded out his middle to an extreme extent, masterfully drawing the gathered fabric of his belt as it strained beneath the mass of a freakishly engorged belly. He looked big enough, Xie Lian realized, to be holding another person inside.

“I think,” whispered Hua Cheng, finishing the figure with two pretty feet, “that if Gege looked like this, he would be more beautiful than I could imagine.”

Xie Lian gazed down at the painting, vast landscape punctuated shockingly by his overfull form. “You seem to be imagining it well enough!” he said.

“Oh, Gege,” Hua Cheng sighed, “I can’t help but dream.”

Blushing, he leaned back against Hua Cheng as the latter put his brush down. “To be honest,” he said, “I don’t know how I would feel if I looked like that. I hate being weighed down, and when I see that bloated belly, all I can think of is indigestion.”

“Oh, Your Highness,” said Hua Cheng, wrapping one arm around him. “Just think of it as a feat to achieve. I, for one, would love to see you reach such a peak.”

Xie Lian chuckled, and nuzzled his head into him.

“However,” Hua Cheng continued, “you know there is no need to go for the entire person right away. With some martial training, such a belly would not feel heavy at all to my Xie Lian. And with a little appetite training, it would be easy on your guts, too. Just like training toward godhood, you may work up to it.” He smiled, and gave his head another kiss. “I am here to assist you in any way you desire.”

“Good,” Xie Lian said. “As a ghost, you must know at least a few people who eat weird things. Not just raw, that is, but mindfully. I do hope to become an expert on stuffing myself, so that I may be a righteous god for my believers, so I’d be grateful for any knowledge you could offer.”

“My Gege, so studious,” cooed Hua Cheng. “Yes, I will help you learn to eat like a demon.” He gave a little laugh. “Perhaps we could enlist a bit of help, as well. Just for fun, of course. You don’t need anyone but me.”

“Of course, of course,” Xie Lian replied sarcastically, stroking his San Lang’s chest.

“I can’t wait.”

Xie Lian smiled. “You seem awfully eager to participate in this interaction between a god and his believer,” he teased.

“Well,” Hua Cheng countered, “said god is you.”

Xie Lian looked down at Hua Cheng’s painting of him, so simple, yet made with such care. “Coy San Lang,” he said, and, with affected casualness, placed a hand on his thigh. “Be honest with Gege now. Does the thought of me with such a round belly, filled to the brim with eager, yummy people… make San Lang happy?”

Beautiful, Hua Cheng had said at the idea. He only took his hand off his thigh, and gave it a kiss. Though his touch stayed cold, it prickled Xie Lian’s skin with some strange sensation like demonic energy.

Xie Lian continued to tease him. “Come now, San Lang. You can tell Gege.” He traced his hand down the side of Hua Cheng’s face. “We are a happy, loving couple, after all. San Lang shouldn’t feel any shame when telling his Gege his desires.”

Hua Cheng chased Xie Lian’s hand with his lips for a minute, trying to kiss his warm palm in a silent game of tag. “I think Gege knows me too well,” he purred when Xie Lian finally yanked his hand away, and gave his cheek a final pat. Then, he wrapped Xie Lian in his arms, deftly picking him up as he stood. “I shan’t deny,” he said slowly, lowering Xie Lian onto the bed in the corner, “that your mouth looks dazzlingly handsome whenever it opens. I love seeing your lips part wide to swallow things…” He sat next to Xie Lian, and gave his lips a gentle kiss.

“Your throat,” he continued, “is so elegantly constructed, and already capable of holding so much~” He sucked gently on the muscles beside his Adam’s apple, where Ruoye had spent most of the day. Then, he kept kissing down the hollow of his neck, his collarbones, until he reached his chest, covered by his clothes. Unable to hide a devilish smile, he squeezed with both hands, downward, downward, until–

“San Lang, darling, that tickles!”

“My apologies,” clucked Hua Cheng, then gave his belly another mischievous squeeze. “Although your abdomen is perfect as it is,” he said, “with a stunningly defined set of muscles that this San Lang is tortured to keep his hands off of–” He gave a dramatic sigh, furrowing his brows in a way Xie Lian had only ever seen him do in private. “Hahhh… I’m sure I would be just as ensnared by a belly filled to a truly godly capacity.”

Xie Lian chuckled. “Then, you and my human friend from earlier are of the same mind.”

“In more ways than one,” Hua Cheng said haughtily. “After all, Gege… I am your believer.” Fingertips danced over Xie Lian’s belly, but despite the tickling sensation, Xie Lian did not protest.

“I would be honored,” Hua Cheng continued, softly, solemnly, “to help you attain the ability to swallow your worshippers whole. And I promise to worship you with all my being along the way.”

~🍁~

Hua Cheng had insisted on providing everything Xie Lian might possibly need for his “training.” Eager to watch his beloved prince’s stomach capacity grow, he had an airy bamboo cottage built on a secluded beach, where warm ocean breezes blew.

For Xie Lian’s first session, a mere few days after the big proposition, he had servants of Ghost City wheel in seafood over ice, fresh vegetables, meat and tofu, and a myriad of mouth-watering spices.

Xie Lian, for his part, was asked not to participate in the cooking, only to sit back, relax, and sip tea to whet his appetite. When he grew restless, however, he stepped into the kitchen to check on the food, and stood there rapt, struggling to believe his own eyes.

He was used to simple foods, even discarded scraps, and it had been a long time since he had truly eaten like a prince every day. Yet here were Hua Cheng’s underlings, sizzling up meats in fragrant oil, brewing delicately-seasoned soups, and slicing vegetables thinner than blades of grass. All was for him, for no special occasion at all.

Part of him regretted their putting in such an effort, but an even greater part of him yearned for it– he had only eaten a bun for breakfast, and he was hungry.

After being wheedled back to his seat in the main dining room, the door crashed open to reveal a distinctive figure clad in red.

“San Lang!” Xie Lian burst out.

“Your Highness!” Hua Cheng sang, and fell into Xie Lian’s arms. 

After a long moment of squeezing his Hua Cheng close, Xie Lian opened his eyes. Two figures, one clad in gold armor, the other clad in black, stood stiffly before the door. “Oh,” Xie Lian blurted, then whispered into Hua Cheng’s ear, “I see you invited Feng Xin and Mu Qing.”

“Your most beloved highness,” Hua Cheng drawled, swaying with him in his arms, “I thought you might like an extra bit of help. After all, I love seeing you cared for.”

“You thought it would be funny to invite them,” Xie Lian whispered.

“Absolutely,” said Hua Cheng. “I hope this may be a delightful occasion for us all.”

“Well,” Xie Lian said, breaking away from Hua Cheng and squeezing his shoulders, “it certainly seems like an occasion, with all this fancy food. Are you sure it’s all for me?”

“Of course,” Hua Cheng said, placing a hand on Xie Lian’s waist and giving his forehead a kiss. “Granted, if Gege cannot finish it all, there are many mouths here who will do the job for him. But–” He leaned in close. “–between you and me, I dearly hope you can fit it all down.”

“Me too,” Xie Lian said, blushing, and returned to his seat. As Feng Xin and Mu Qing filed into the kitchen, he realized he had forgotten to ask Hua Cheng if they knew he was training to eat someone or not. The pair, however, were back in an instant, plates in their hands, and Hua Cheng rapidly set the table while humming a song, like a loyal butler in crimson.

To Xie Lian’s relief, the dishes were not large. As his friends brought them out to the table one by one, he was delighted to see some dim sum dishes, soup, a few fried entrees, and plenty of carbohydrates.

“This,” Hua Cheng said, leaning in close and gesturing to a plate of fluffy rice with veggies, “will expand very nicely inside you. You’ll feel more full than you ever have before.” He winked, and gave Xie Lian’s tummy a pat.

Mu Qing, who had been setting down a plate of pepper fried tofu, was staring at them, a definitively bothered expression on his face. Xie Lian was beginning to realize just why Hua Cheng had invited the two generals here, and just what type of fun he hoped to have. 

He should pity the two, but was far too charmed by Hua Cheng. Placing one hand on his belly, he sat back, and smiled. “I can’t wait,” he said brightly. “I promise to eat as much as I can, for San Lang and my dear former deputies.”

Rolling his eyes, Mu Qing returned to the kitchen.

In less than a minute, then, the food was ready, all set out on the table alongside some quality tea.

“Thank you all dearly,” Xie Lian said as he pulled his chair up. “I’m touched to see this feast for me. But please–” He gestured to the dishes. “–Help yourself. I want you all to eat and be happy, as w–”

“–ggurggbbbll…”

He broke off, chuckling bashfully, as his stomach interrupted him with a long, discontented growl. He gave it a pat, and it murmured to him again, ab muscles rippling under his touch.

Neither Feng Xin nor Mu Qing were doing him the honor of looking at him.

“I think Supreme Lord Hua would tear us to literal pieces if we took so much as a nibble,” grumbled Mu Qing.

“Yeah,” said Feng Xin, “and with the way your stomach just shouted, I’m almost more afraid of you.”

“Don’t worry,” Xie Lian said, helping himself to some fried greens. “I’m the only one here to train, so you may just relax. I’d like this to be fun for us all.”

Mu Qing rolled his eyes, but scooped a few more greens onto Xie Lian’s plate before taking his seat. Had Hua Cheng asked him to do that ahead of time? Xie Lian was pleased either way.

As he dug into the succulent vegetables, savoring their aromatic oil and spices, he was watched attentively. Feng Xin and Mu Qing sat on his adjacent sides, opposite each other. Across the table from Xie Lian sat Hua Cheng, head propped on one hand, gazing at him with unabashed adoration as food vanished into his mouth.

“Say,” Hua Cheng spoke after Xie Lian had cleared his plate and begun serving himself more, “Gege does not have to keep scooping food onto his plate. Since all is for him, he is welcome to eat directly from the dishes.”

“Yeah, c’mon,” Feng Xin muttered. “No need to be polite. Everyone here has seen worse.”

Xie Lian swallowed a delicious mouthful, reluctant to admit how much the idea of shoveling food straight into his mouth appealed to him in his ravenous condition. “Ah,” he said, “I was wondering why there are no serving chopsticks.”

“Because only one beautiful man is being served~” cooed Hua Cheng.

Smiling, Xie Lian pulled a few different dishes toward him, and munched away happily.

Mu Qing was grumbling something under his breath, but at a brief “Hm?” from Hua Cheng, he fell silent.

Xie Lian loved the feeling of the hunger in his tummy abating. Having fed on meager scraps for much of his life, he would be satisfied by anything, but there was something special about a feast this sumptuous.

He ate without restraint, Feng Xin and Mu Qing obediently pushing new, full dishes toward him every time he got close to scraping one clean. He felt beloved in a way one thousand prayers from worshippers could not make him feel. Each bite of food and guzzle of tea seemed to fill not just his stomach, but his heart.

“Fuck,” Feng Xin muttered, “you were starving, huh?”

“So much for precious prince Xie Lian, darling of all the realms,” quipped Mu Qing. “You’re eating like a monster.”

Stifling a burp by pressing a curled finger to his mouth, Xie Lian looked at Mu Qing. “Sorry,” he said. “I can eat more slowly if you’d prefer. Feng Xin is right, though, I was reall-rrp-really hungry.”

“Don’t bother,” said Mu Qing, crossing his arms.

“That’s right,” said Hua Cheng, refilling Xie Lian’s cup of tea. “My Gege will eat however he likes. Gege will become wonderfully stuffed with food for us, yes?”

“Yes!” Xie Lian chirped, ignoring the further awkward glances from his two former deputies.

Before long, the dim sum dishes had vanished down Xie Lian’s greedy gullet. As Hua Cheng had predicted, the more carb-rich dishes, such as sticky rice balls and fluffy buns, filled up his stomach like an embrace from within. Some pressure had begun to accumulate at his middle, where his gut pressed against his clothes.

He took a contemplative sip of tea. “Would you all mind terribly,” he said, “if I loosened my belt just a smidge? It’s true you’ve all seen me shirtless before, but I hope a bit more chest showing at the table wouldn’t offend you terribly… Would it?”

“It doesn’t count as ‘at the table’ when you’re the only one eating,” remarked Mu Qing, who immediately thereafter let out a high yelp. He glared over at Hua Cheng, who was smiling devilishly. With the size of the table, Hua Cheng could not physically have stomped on Mu Qing’s foot, but it appeared that by his Supreme powers, he had done it anyway.

Xie Lian, watching the exchange go down, reached to his belt to slowly loosen it.

“Ahhh~” He could not hold in a sigh of bliss. His stomach sank down into its newfound open space, food settling anew. As his belly let out a grumble of contentment, he looked at the remaining food with renewed enthusiasm.

“That’s your cue,” Hua Cheng said in a snakelike hiss.

A moment later, Xie Lian realized he was talking not to him, but to Feng Xin and Mu Qing, who rushed to push two rich, heavy dishes toward him.

The first, a plate of stewed beef in chili sesame oil, Xie Lian gobbled with delight. The hot chunks of meat spread their savory flavor through his mouth, and warmed his throat on their way down. It was not long, therefore, before only a few limp vegetables remained. He leaned back, gave his belly a pat, and pressed a long, low burp into one fist. His belly was filling up his loosened clothes already, and as he let the burp out, he felt the firm skin soften beneath his touch.

“Oof, ‘scuse me,” he said, smiling apologetically at his tablemates.

“No ‘excuse me’s needed,” purred Hua Cheng. “All of us are happy to watch our prince feed.”

Feng Xin was industriously organizing the dishes before Xie Lian, and Mu Qing was blushing as he peered through one eye at his brazenly loosened clothes and the slight bulge of his belly.

“Well, don’t stop on my account,” Mu Qing snapped when Xie Lian caught him staring. “We’re here to feed you, and you’ve got all this food, so you might as well eat.”

“Thank you, Mu Qing,” Xie Lian said, ignoring how flustered Mu Qing sounded. “Feng Xin, thank you too.” He began to spoon together a mouthful of spicy pork and tofu. “This is just what I want right now, and you put it right in front of me!”

“You’re welcome,” Feng Xin said begrudgingly.

“San Lang,” Xie Lian sang after swallowing down a hefty spoonful, “aren’t these two generals so well-behaved? I’m oh-so-happy I chose them as my deputies all those years ago.”

“Don’t make fun of us,” Feng Xin barked. “Just eat, okay?”

“Gege,” Hua Cheng said, “it seems all three of us are in agreement as to what you ought to sit back, clear your mind, and do.” Then, through the spiritual communication array in Xie Lian’s mind, “I can’t wait to see you full to bursting.”

With such words from his own Hua Cheng, Xie Lian could only obey. He practically drank the food down into himself, feeling the sweet press on his bloated stomach, consuming with bliss, until–

“Oh!” burst Feng Xin and Mu Qing in unison.

Dizzy from feasting, Xie Lian took a long moment to realize that from behind his already loosened belt, his tummy had popped out, flushed and swollen, pushing his belt down. “Oh –urp– I’m practically naked!” he said.

“It’s fine,” pressed Feng Xin. “Just keep eating. You’re doing great so far, just a few more little dishes to go.”

Xie Lian could hardly breathe without a soft, bubbly burp crawling its way up from his distended belly. “Hfff… Actually,” he said, “I think I might need a break.” 

“You’ve got this,” Feng Xin continued, far more sincere than Xie Lian had heard him in a very long time. “You’re almost there. Remember, this is training.”

Yes. This was stomach training for the sake of his believers. Xie Lian struggled to straighten up, adjusted his belt even lower beneath his bulging gut, and swallowed down a few more bites of his food. With such wholesome and nutritious fare filling him, even through the pressure of his overfullness, he felt good. 

Still, he could not go on. Setting his chopsticks down, he flopped back in his chair.

“Sweet, beautiful Gege,” said Hua Cheng in a soft voice. “Generals? Just as we discussed.”

Through half-lidded eyes, Xie Lian watched the two figures of his generals come toward him. Moments later, a bite of food entered his mouth. Feeling still far from sick, he accepted, slowly chewing and swallowing. This went on for a long while, Xie Lian’s tummy growing fuller and fuller, until Hua Cheng’s loving whisper sounded out again.

“Very good, both of you. And excellent, Gege.”

Packed with food, his belly now filled out the chair he was sitting in; if he were as close to the table as he had started, it would be digging painfully in at his stomach. One hand on the bulging, bulbous mass, Xie Lian let out a rumbling burp. He was too stuffed to excuse himself, manners or no.

“Beautiful,” Hua Cheng repeated, then raised his voice. “Generals, you are dismissed.”

Afraid he might burst with food, Xie Lian reached for a sip of tea. The cooling liquid trickled soothingly down into his belly as he watched Feng Xin and Mu Qing leave the cabin.

“I’m ashamed,” he whined to Hua Cheng once it was only the two of them in the room. “I’m a god, and I could barely clear a whole tableful without falling apart. There’re legends of –bblurp– joyful, free-spirited deities whose love of food bordered on gluttony. Perhaps it’s prideful to think I could rival them, but–”

He stopped. Hua Cheng had risen, and brought one smooth hand to his belly. “You are always,” he said, “a paragon among gods. You did splendidly today; every bite swallowed down was a sight to behold.” He rubbed in tender circles, knowing just where to apply gentle pressure to stimulate the valves of his digestive tract. “Your every motion is divine,” he whispered.

Xie Lian swore to himself, listening to Hua Cheng speak, that he would respond with something just as profound. But he was dizzyingly full. But Hua Cheng was pressing in all the right spots. But at that point, he was not sure anything could come out of his mouth besides–”

“urrrrRRAAAAAAAP!”

Hua Cheng grinned, pale cheeks blushing. “Oh, Your Highness,” he simpered, “what a mighty god you are.”

Gently, Xie Lian ran a hand through Hua Cheng’s hair.

“You ate so well,” Hua Cheng said.

“Mmmm~”

“Eat me next?”

Xie Lian blinked. “Huh?”

A coy smile was plastered all over Hua Cheng’s face. He didn’t reply, only cuddled up closer to him, evidently relishing in the touch of his full belly under his hands.

“Oh, San Lang,” Xie Lian said after a moment, “a god must attend to his duties. I have a human to eat first… and a whole lot of –hic– eating practice to complete before then.”

“Just kidding,” Hua Cheng said breezily.

Bound to his chair by the weight of his gut, Xie Lian did not feel uncomfortable. Hua Cheng’s every caress was a mercy. He held him close, and spoke into his ear: “Either way– thank you so much for this wonderful meal.”

[netherfeildren]

hi sweet vic!

i’ve spent the last few months reading and then re-reading all your fics and the word that stands out in my mind is intoxicating; there’s something about them that incites an almost visceral reaction. the themes you include, the way you describe things such as motherhood, both the deep-seated desire to have a child and the rocky and fractured relationships between some of your reader characters and their mothers, their fathers, too, and the overwhelming want to be looked after by someone stronger when life becomes too much is something that i think is deeply relatable to a lot of women. this, i feel, is one of the many reasons i find myself gravitating towards your work, other women too, i’m sure, for it creates a sort of safe space where we can freely admit: yes, life can be hard and terrible and all too much and sometimes it makes you feel very small. and sometimes all you want is to be allowed to be small, and have someone bigger and wiser who’s there to look after you.

whenever i read fics or write them myself i always procrastinate the endings because i find they bring with them an emptiness that i rush to fill up with something else, do you feel this too? a handful of your works come to mind, such as pink or i urge you: bite me, wherein we never find out exactly what becomes of them or what their futures look like. do you spend a lot of time after you finish writing hung up, imagining what would come after, or are you more content to leave them in your head as they are, suspended in that moment in time?

what can I even say to this that would be sufficient to return such kindness? I literally have no idea which is why I've just sat and stared all all you've written to me over the past several days.

it brings into incredible clarity that our words mean so much, the things we say, the intention or lack thereof behind them have consequences, good or bad. I haven't been able to write for days. I look at the honey, stomach, mine doc and I feel.. not great about it. embarrassed, in a way. so I've read your message like a hundred times by now to counteract that. thank you, like for real and from the bottom of my heart. you're so so kind and your words have meaning and I'm going to think about what you've said and how you've said you feel about the things I write for a long time, and you've sent them to me in a moment when I really, really needed them.

parenthood is something I touch on more than anything, you're right. Joel is a parent in my eyes before he's anything else, that vein of him is the thing I find most intriguing. and to be honest, someone's wife is my most shocking piece to me personally because if a person could be all the things they should and can, that's how my own mom is. Eva's character is something I derived, I think, in total opposition to what I see Joel and my mom like. however, my own personal relationship and history with motherhood and pregnancy, is very different, complicated. the things I write about and the obsessiveness I write about them with have personal origin, no matter how unseriously they're framed lol. and I think, or I hope, that despite the fact that I'm writing from a woman's perspective that it's all universal or human enough that anyone can relate to it.

as for the endings, I wouldn't necessarily say I struggle with getting to them, per se. I usually know how they'll end when I start writing which is probably due to the fact that I think for much longer than I actually write. I plot and take notes for months usually, and when I'm finally ready to sit down and write my mind is made up, and usually once I've made up my mind it doesn't really stray (I'm an aquarius - oops). pink, for instance, was built with that specific ending as my goal. that was the challenge I set for myself and everything that happened in the running there was with that specific ending in mind. so to answer your question, no I don't think about the aftermath at all in terms of what could have been or what could not - I leave that all to you and your fun. I think my issue lies more with my ability to pick up the pen again after I've finished a big thing. pink was the worst, I felt very depleted and like I had nothing left to say after it and despite having a long list of ideas, I felt like there were no words for them. I usually have to wait a while for the well to refill before I can pick something new up and start writing again.

[rainbowsky]

I was just aimlessly scrolling through tumblr and came across a post saying " XZ is straight but WY is not* . This assumption was made because apparently: gay ppl know these things. So does that mean I'm now straight because I believe they're both part of the community in some way? 😃. Also if you're assuming WY is gay based on his words, then by that logic Xz past actions put him in close proximity to that.

We all assume based on perception, however to outright dismiss the possibilities on either side just seems absurd to me.

Hi Anon,

I apologize in advance for what's going to be a bit of an annoyed rant about 'gaydar'.

Fake, fan fiction, CPN.

Both of them are obviously 'not straight', because they're in a relationship. Beyond that it's anyone's guess. I personally don't see any evidence of DD being into women. I talked about that in various previous posts, starting here. I think GG is likely bi, given their banter in the BTS.

The Tumblr post might have been referring to an exchange GG had with a gay acquaintance on Weibo where the guy said he thought GG was straight. Just so everyone knows: Gay people do not have 'special magic powers' to read each other's minds, which is what a lot of straight people seem to think (and even some gays).

This is especially true when someone is in the closet and actively trying to hide their sexuality. Men who attract hordes of women like GG does are doubly able to fly under the radar. There is a reason why gay people often do a lot of hand-wringing over whether the person they're attracted to 'plays for their team'.

And let's not forget the whole aspect of bi erasure that GG's friend might have been engaging in, whether or not he intended to.

I want everyone to please understand, because I get a lot of asks about gaydar:

GAYDAR IS A MYTH

And before anyone sends me a bunch of dubious studies claiming it's 60% accurate, those numbers actually prove that gaydar isn't real.

I actually get pissed off when people talk about gaydar and try to make it out to be some sort of real thing. It's not. All gaydar is for the most part, is garden variety gender role stereotyping being cast into some sort of 'folksy queer intuition' branding to make it seem less offensive. Gender presentation, mannerisms and vocal intonations can't tell us about someone's gender or sexuality.

It might sometimes be fun to joke around about certain stereotypical things as being 'very gay', and for the most part I find that harmless and sometimes make those jokes myself, but 'gaydar' can actually be harmful and misleading.

While most of us joking around about stereotypes understand that a flowy blouse or a tight mesh shirt aren't actually gay, a lot of people treat gaydar as science and genuinely believe it's real. I think we need to be cautious about what we claim, and circumspect about how we use 'gaydar'. It is one of those 'for entertainment purposes only' concepts, and should never be treated as hard evidence of anything.

So a gay person who happens to know GG in college will only know about GG, what GG wants him to know.

GG is even more expressive of queer Pride than DD, so I always find it funny when someone refers to him as straight. Whether gay or bi, he's clearly not straight.

And contrary to what a shocking number of BXG believe, straight guys don't fall in love with men and date/marry them.

(BTW, I'm not saying we should never use the term 'gaydar'. It can be fun, and an easy shorthand in certain contexts. I'm just saying we should always be cautious about how we use the term so that A] we're not hurting others and B] we're not misleading others. It's one of those fun but potentially harmful toys that should be taken away from us when we are irresponsible about how how we play with it.)

[beewithknee]

exchanged looks

unrequited-poly angst (ft. tank + milo)

Tank hated fighting, hated having to justify themself.

They didn’t even know how they got to this point, but they fucking hated it.

“For fucks sake Milo, no. The answer is no! I’m not gonna go to their house alone and invade their space. I’ve got an apartment, I’m not some scared Pup that needs protecting.” They huffed, annoyed for a plethora of different reasons. “That's not true though, is it? It’s because you’re in love with David and Asher, aren’t you?” It wasn’t a question. 

Milo knew the truth.

Tank froze, heart thumping away under their chest so hard and fast they swore he would be able to hear it. “Who-”

“No one told me. I figured it out. Seemingly, I’m the most observant in that group, which is sad but anyway. I saw the looks you give them, and the way your eyes light up when they talk to you, and the small touches that you could never quite fight the urge to lean into. It didn’t take me long to piece it together” He explained slowly, as though explaining to a child why they couldn’t have candy. 

They suddenly felt very stupid.

He coughed lightly, “Are you gonna tell them?” Immediately their head snapped up and met his gaze. Shaking their head, “No. No I am not.” It was the truth. One they had to live with every day. 

They would never tell either of them.

“Why not?” It was a simple question but they looked at him like he was insane. “Why not?! Are you serious? I am not going to get in the middle of the greatest love story there ever was. Those two are perfect for each other and…. and I'd just ruin it. No, I won't do it. I can't.” They snapped, voice trailing off into something sad and defeated.

“Why? You wouldn’t ruin it.” He said it like it was a fact, but they simply scoffed, feeling their anger bubble beneath the surface. “Yes, I would.”

“Why? How?”

“Because I'm not good enough!” They yelled.

They slapped a hand over their mouth.

Their eyes went wide.

“Tank-“ He whispered, lips parted in shock and sadness.

“It’s the truth.” They muttered dejectedly. “I'm not good enough… and I never will be. That’s fucking David and Asher. They’ve always been David and Asher. I heard the stories growing up and hated that they were so perfect, hated them for being so perfect, hated knowing that I’d never have that. But then I met them and found out that they were even more amazing in real life and I just…”

They took a steadying breath. “I will never be good enough. I’m a bad person. I’m just like my parents and I will never inflict myself on anyone; but especially not David and Asher.” They practically whispered it, feeling their chest physically ache with each word.

Milo took a deep breath, processing the words his friend had meekly uttered. “That's such bullshit.” He watched as they flinched harshly, looking scared. They sighed heavily, “Milo, you don’t get it. You’ve had your mate for so long and I’m so happy for you two, don’t get me wrong. But being in love with your best friends isn’t some cut-and-dry thing. It’s messy, especially when you know they don’t love you back and never will.” It was like they were reading from an ancient table, a script set in stone. 

To Tank, that’s what those words were though, they were the truth and the foundation that they based their love life off. They had no chance with the people they were actually in love with, and never would; so they found that affection, that ‘love’, that intimacy elsewhere. Usually bad places, if they were honest.

Places like Quinn.

Places that left them broken and fucked up, places that were messy and dirty but made them feel alive for a few sad moments.

“Okay right, let’s clear a few things up right here, right now. Sit your ass down.” Tank gulped, Milo wasn’t fucking around. Honestly, Marie had taught him how to do the scary mother accent and fuck if it wasn’t almost as terrifying as hers. They sat obediently, sinking down into their chair and pulling their knees up to their chest.

“Tank.” He sighed, trying to decide how to word this conversation without sounding like an asshole. “You’re right, David and Asher have been David and Asher for as long as I can remember, but that doesn't mean that’s the way it always has to be. Change isn’t something you need to be scared of. Yes, it can suck. Yes, it can break your heart and make you feel fucking awful. But it can also be great. It can make things better and surprise you in ways you hadn’t dared to imagine.” He smiled as he said it, flashes of his Stealth flickering through his mind.

“I’ve seen the way you look at them when you think no one’s watching, like they hung the moon. Like they’re the very oxygen you breathe. But what you don’t see is the looks they give you when you’re not looking.” Their head snapped up to meet his eyes, disbelief and mistrust flashing through their eyes clear as day. “No, that's not what-” They started.

“Stop. Just let me explain then you can argue until your throat bleeds, okay?” There was that voice again. Tanks’ jaw snapped out so hard, the clink of their teeth was audible. “Good. Now, when you’re not looking, or you’re busy, or whatever, David and Asher look at you like you’re the only person that exists. They look at you like you're the only person in the room. David looks so proud and breathless and like he’s two seconds away from losing his mind if he couldn't touch you. And Asher… Asher looks at you like you’re the prettiest diamond in existence. But more importantly, they both look so in love with you.” Milo finished his little speech with that bombshell and sat back, watching with a careful eye as Tank’s brain turned the words over. A handful of times they spluttered, mouth opening and closing as they tried to formulate a coherent sentence.

“No- They can't. That's not what they’re… I’m sure you're seeing things, that’s not-” They mumbled quickly, breath short and panicked. A hand found its way to their hair to pull at the strands in distress, nails scraping at their skull brutally. Milo moved closer, fingers curling around theirs and pulling them into his palms. “In the words of Forrest Gump; ‘I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is’. I know what love looks like. And those two look like the literal definition of lovesick puppies.” They sucked in a breathy laugh at his reference. “I don't expect you to fully believe it, or for my words to instantly make you feel better. But maybe try sneaking a glance at them every once in a while, might prove more useful than you think.” He smiled gently, seeing the disbelief that people loved them was hard. Milo knew their past was anything but perfect, but maybe they’d start to see the truth a bit more.

They bit their lip, brain listing the number of reasons why that could go awfully wrong and end up with them kicked out of the pack, or worse.

But then again… Tank never had much of a self-preservation instinct.

Milo only hoped David and Asher could get their shit together in time. He needed his friends to buck up and help Tank see how much they meant to the boys.  Milo was not a religious man, but he prayed that night. 

Prayed that lost love would find its way home.

[ahundredtimesover]

your wirting is so descriptive and like emotional in a way it's like entering into the world of the fic, your way with words is just magical!!!! really love it! could you give some tips/advice on how you have managed to build your skills to this good of a level? is there anything specific you do while writing fics that give you inspiration?

One of my favorite compliments ever 😭😭 if there’s anything I want to be remembered by in this community, it’s this. So thank you 🥹🥹 sending you all the love 💕

Just a disclaimer, I don’t have a literature/creative writing background or anything. But my writing experience is on the analytical side as a political science major but I suppose that helped in writing in general. But at least by personal experience, I can share a few things but pls also check out other sources! Super long post ahead 👇🏽

First of all, I’m an emotional person in general. I feel a lot and looking back, I think journaling as a child helped in my ability to express my emotions. I won’t say I was an avid reader but I would read growing up; Paulo Coelho was a staple. By the time I was in high school, I would write short passages and short stories about what I was experiencing so I really started way before my fanfic era. Secondly, I was going through a tough time from 2021-2022, and that was when I was most prolific, so there was really a lot to say. So in a way, my emotional way of writing was also a coping mechanism. Now for the tips:

Intent. I started reading BTS fanfic right when the pandemic started and I found a lot of comfort in them. And so when I started writing, it was my intention to give comfort as well, and I personally believe that being emotionally vulnerable is one way to do that. I like to balance the rawness with warmth so there will always be supporting characters whose main purpose is to give care and comfort. With that, I'm able to go all out with the emotions without leaving the reader too overwhelmed by them. But it starts with the intention because you have to...

Build it within the story, and not just in scenes or as character traits. You have to be consistent so don't just describe the setting, describe the characters' emotions as well all throughout. I would give my characters specific scenes where they're really just thinking and feeling (it's also a personal practice of mine!) or having moments where they're just taking things in. So it's important to actually let them feel. Which is also why...

You, as a writer, should allow yourself to also feel. Pull from somewhere personal if you can, or from something familiar. One reason I think the stories are as impactful (and this is based off the wonderful messages I've received) is because I let myself be vulnerable through them, which is also why I say that there's a piece of me in everything I write. There's no one story that is my story, but there's at least an experience, a thought, a mindset, a personality trait, a specific fear, and a belief of mine integrated in the characters/stories. It'll feel a lot more natural that way and also more cathartic. To do this, I would literally have moments of just sitting down with my eyes closed. 😂

Play around with the POVs. I do mixed POVs in all my stories and I find that more effective in bringing in the emotions because the reader is able to know (and feel) what all the characters are feeling, especially during a specific scene. There's that omnipotence where you're able to know the narrative of another character as well so the story is basically laid out for you. It may not be the best if you want plot twists or the shock factor, but those aren't really my intent, although the mixed POVs is also a good tool for those. One of my favourite things I've written is when [SPOILER⛔️] in TLA, Amma was talking about Yoongi's letters and you get to read his POV through her. It's the make-your-own-rules-in-fanfiction that makes it fun!

Envision your core scenes and build up to that. Before writing a story, I already know what scenes will drive it. PLM started off as a scene of JK hugging OC from the back and feeling sorry and I thought, what would bring them to that point? Oh, I want them to have a major fight, so [SPOILER⛔️] I had to build up OC being protective of her emotions so when she cried for the first time, it was emotional. I also envisioned Inevitable to have that scene of [SPOILER⛔️] OC breaking down while watching father-and-son bond but I think what added to that was Jungwon wiping her tears, so I made sure to mention that prior. This is also why I describe scenes a lot and why I pay attention to details. I like pulling them out during key moments.

Be patient with yourself. The dialogues could come right away like in the FFY [SPOILER⛔️] scene of JK going to OC in the water, that speech was written before I even finished writing chapter 1 and I had to wait to write the entire story before I could get to that but that was my basis. Or the dialogues could come at a later time and that's also fine. Don't rush it! The perfect line that would usually make your scene will come.

Be inspired by any types of art and immerse yourself in it as you write. I made playlists for PLM, ASDOAH, and Belong that I constantly listened to while writing. Untitled is Indigo in story form for me. TLODS was inspired by the story Dead Stars that I kept reading as well. ASDOAH was inspired by the poem Mouthful of Forevers. Seeing the Tumblr posts about grief and loss helped while writing TLA. Even everyday things can give you inspiration! They help with meaning, feeling, and expression.

I think this covers everything! I'm sorry it's sooo long but I hope one or two things could help you as you write. ☺️ good luck 💕

[justmybookthots]

Clockwork Angel & Clockwork Prince

I am low-key crying.

I should not have ranked my top 30 books of this year so early. But how was I supposed to know that I would love new books in the last week of December? I am literally 3 days away from 2024.

I mean, I knew all along that the Infernal Devices was Cassandra Clare's magnum opus, and I had high expectations of it. Even so, I was convinced I was currently in a reading slump and I wasn't keen on picking this up while in this state. But finally one night I pushed past the prologue to the first chapter and that was it. I got fucking hooked. Colour me shocked because I thought that nothing could take me out of my slump but something about the writing/plot in this book was SO interesting. The beginning where Tessa gets taken by the Dark Sisters and everything it led to had me in a vice. 

I finished the first book in one sitting. Lmao. That night, I finished all 900 pages on my e-reader and I was like: Jesus. Was I ever really in a slump, or were the books I was reading before just not doing it for me? Because I've been reading Two Twisted Crowns (am about 30-40% in?) and I didn't find any fault in the plot, but I couldn't understand why I couldn't focus. 

I need to make one thing straight, though, about this series: I loved it not for the reasons people loved it. I know people laud this series for Will Herondale. I… do not care about Will Herondale. The boy I care about is Jem Carstairs.

It's crazy because I'd read the Infernal Devices before as a teen and while I'd liked Jem more than Will even then, I never really gravitated much to either hero. But this time, I'm obsessed. Absolutely obsessed. He had me kicking my feet and squealing. He was so sweet compared to Will. Some of my favourite parts about him:

Will, Tessa thought, would have been angry if she’d said that to him, but Jem just looked at her intently (We stan a kind, patient and emotionally mature man)

“And you’ve never asked him (William) why?” “If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me,” Jem said. “You asked why I think he tolerates me better than other people. I’d imagine it’s precisely because I’ve never asked him why.” He smiled at her, wryly.

And sooooooo many more scenes of him that I loved in the sequel:

(JEM YOU CAN FOOL TESSA BUT YOU CAN'T FOOL MY CHINESE ASS)

And then later: 

He is such a gentleman, I AM CRYING.

Also, I told myself I would take my time to read the 2nd book because I didn't want to finish it so fast, but idiot that I am, I finished it again (almost) over one night. IT IS INSANE TO THINK I WAS IN A BOOK RUT AND NOW I HAVE TO ACTUALLY STOP MYSELF FROM READING TOO FAST.

Man, I feel so jealous of people who are able to easily enjoy most of their books the way I did this. I rarely enjoy books so much because I am so, so, so picky. And the WEIRDEST part? Ever since I finished Crooked Kingdom and the Stolen Heir (which are my favourites this year), the only books for the rest of 2023 that have made me feel a fraction of this engagement are by Cassandra Clare. I don't understand it. I never liked Cassie as a teen. Why am I enjoying her stuff so much now?

THAT SAID, I don't want to touch the last book in the Infernal Devices right now. T_T This is the angstiest book in the whole series, especially when it comes to Jem. I know his illness took a turn for the worse and he was presumed to have died at the end (though he didn't) but I can't. I can't bear to watch him suffer. I can't bear to watch his engagement with Tessa nose-dive. 

I know this is nothing like my normal reviews because I'm just gushing about Jem and not about the rest of the book (which was GREAT. Do not get me wrong. I loved Charlotte, Henry and Sophie). But my brain is not screwed on straight right now and I… have no words. Nonetheless, I will try to get my thoughts in order. Just some mild complaints:

I think that Jessamine could have had a better arc than what she got. Given her backstory and the trauma she endured as a child, I had hopes for her besides playing the "unlikeable antagonist". Right now, as of the end of Book 2, that is still her primary role in the story. 

I may love Jem and Tessa, but I need to say that the romance for EVERYONE was not very well-done. I found that both Will and Jem developed feelings for Tessa really early, and VERY STRONG ones, and I'm still confused how that even transpired. This was the same problem I had with the Mortal Instruments, but I had assumed it would have been better for this trilogy since it's Cassie's best work. Alas, the same issue occurred.

The twist about who the Magister was was a liiiiiiitle underwhelming. I was hoping for more.

I don't like or dislike Will. I do not care.

Am a little surprised that the ending of the 2nd book was pretty anticlimactic action-wise. The climax was really just about the romance, which… is interesting. 

This is as much cogency as I'm giving this review. I need to recover from this series, thank you. 😣 While I'm too lazy to try to figure out how it fits in the top 30 (which will need adjusting), the books belong there for SURE.

- 29 Dec 2023

[saralayne]

Saving Me 🩵💜

When Isabel comes back and questions Tim’s relationship with Lucy. Tim is very quick to defend his girlfriend and the life he’s living now.

Tim was shocked to say the least when he received a voice mail from the last person he ever expected to hear from again…His ex wife Isabel. She was coming back to LA for a few days and requested to see him. Tim didn’t see a problem meeting with her. He was curious, truth be told to see how she was doing. Any residual feelings he had for his ex had long since disappeared and that was because of one woman. Lucy. He had found his happy place with her. Feeling safe, supported and loved. Lucy was everything he had longed for. She had saved him and pulled him out of the darkness. His bright light. They had been together for 6 months and he had never been happier. They hadn’t exchanged those magic words but he knew without a doubt. He was in love with Lucy Chen. Tim, of course talked to his girlfriend before calling Isabel back. Lucy was supportive. She knew if anything, this would be closure for Tim. It was a little weird. Lucy felt very secure in their relationship. She had never felt more secure and safe in any relationship.

Tim wanted to meet Isabel at Lucy’s apartment. There was no secrets between them. He spent most nights there and wanted Lucy to see she is his person and Isabel is his past. There was slightly awkward opening conversations as Isabel came in. After, Lucy felt Tim should have some time with Isabel. She didn’t want to be a factor in them feeling they couldn’t talk about anything that was on either of their minds. She politely excused herself, telling Tim she was going to go for lunch with Tamara. Tim walked her to the door and giving her a soft kiss goodbye.

As he made his way back to the couch where Isabel was nervously sitting.

“So you and Lucy?”

“Gotta say. I never thought I would see the day where you would fall for your rookie”

“Well, she’s not my rookie anymore. I’m not in her chain of command”

“That worked out well”

Tim feeling a tinge of anger. Knowing his ex wife. Feeling there was some judgement.

“Actually, Isabel. I was in her chain of command. I made the sacrifice to move to Metro. That’s not true, Lucy worked some magic and was able to manuever positions, where a open spot came up. She did all of that for me. So we could be together. Even still, I would of stayed as Court Liason if it meant we could be together. I without any hesitation would of made that sacrifice. Im so glad I was able to move into Metro though. It’s been a wonderful change and has allowed me to have everything I could of ever wanted”

“Tim. I get that. But all these sacrifices seem pointless. Im sorry but I don’t see this relationship with Lucy lasting long term. She’s very young. Im sure it’s fun for you. Not someone I see making you truly happy”

“Isabel, are you serious right now? I haven’t even talked to you since we got divorced. How can you sit there and judge our relationship?”

“Why did you want to see me?”

“I just wanted some closure. Im doing very well in recovery. I know I deeply hurt you and I wanted to make amends and tell you just how sorry I am for our marriage ending all because of my addiction and actions”

“Isabel. I appreciate that. I really do. Im so happy for you and glad to see you are doing so well. I won’t deny how much losing you hurt me. It put me in a dark place. I felt I lost everything. I had no trust in anything. I was just existing. Becoming a man I didn’t like. So, I’m gonna tell you one thing and please hear me loud and clear. I never pulled myself out of that darkness. Lucy did. She literally saved me. The only reason I am this happy man today is ALL because of her. She has become my safe place. I am and have been so in love with her for a long time now. Lucy is my forever. Yes, she’s younger than me. That doesn’t matter. Im sorry if this stings but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is without a doubt, the love of my life.”

Isabel was left reeling from Tim’s confession.

“Tim, I’m sorry. I never meant to make you angry with me. I can see now, the truth in your eyes that you really do love her. I just want you to be happy”

“I am. Never been happier”

Isabel left a short while later. Tim giving her a small hug and wishing her the very best. He was left feeling good seeing her and knowing she was doing well. Tim would always care about her well being. Tim couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear thinking of his confession about his feelings for Lucy to Isabel. As the words came spilling from his mouth, there was no hesitation. Speaking directly from his heart.

As Tim sat down to watch the Dodgers game. Minutes later, front door opened where his beautiful girlfriend appeared. Even the Dodgers game couldn’t distract him from her. His shining light.

“Hey babe. How was lunch with T?”

“It was good!”

“More importantly, how was your talk with Isabel?”

“You know it ended up being Ok. It was good to see her doing so well. It also, gave me that closure and knowing that she is a part of my past. Looking at my life back then and now. I have never been happier than I am now and that’s ALL because of you baby. You, Lucy Chen are the love of my life, my soulmate and I am…crazy in love with you. You and me for eternity. I love you”

“Well that was a good talk wasn’t it?”

Both laughing at Lucy’s remarks.

“For the record. I am crazy in love with you too, Bradford. And will be forever”

“Alright, Chen. Let’s spend the rest of the day cuddled on that couch watching whatever ridiculous reality show you and T are into now”

“The Dodgers are on”

“Yeah well, even the Dodgers can’t compete with you, my love”

“Bradford, you are gonna get so lucky later”😉

“Oh am I?”

“Yes, you are”

Lucy and Tim spent the rest of the day snuggling one another. Not a care in the world. The future looked so bright for them.

[futuregws]

House of the dragon spoilers (rant/review idk)

.

.

I just finished watching and I'm mad, wtf was that ending, like I understand that the war is supposed to be a whole event and that was the main focus for the show, but seriously they couldn't have at least started it in this episode like obviously it wouldn't make sense for the whole thing to be on one episode and there wouldn't be enough time but the way it ended made it feel like there's gonna be more this season, it didn't feel like a season finale, and the fact that we are gonna have to wait years to see the rest ugh I hate it.

But now I wanna talk about the actual episode, first of all, I cannot believe ONE EPISODE was able to make me go back to hating Daemon all over again, like seriously wtf was that.

And now onto the most important part Rhaenyra, wow Emma D'Arcy the person you are, they have carried this show and given such an amazing performance every time, idk what it is with them and scenes where Rhaenyra is giving birth but they always give their all on those at least that's what it feels like there's just something about the way that they act during those scenes that is just amazing, during episode 6 with the birth of Joffrey they were able to show such a painful obviously but also happy (?) I'm not sure if that's the right word but I'm going with it I think you get it, maybe tender?? Idk, but this one just completely broke my heart it was great to see how one actor portrayed the same type of scene but completely different as in they were able to actually, get across their feelings so well and obviously I can only speak for myself but I thought they were amazing in that scene (and many more) and it genuinely gave me goosebumps not gonna lie. Now that the first season is over I can finally say something that I already have been saying a lot but now there's even more reasons, Emma was the perfect casting for Rhaenyra, maybe I'm biased on this next bit bc of how much I love Rhaenyra but for me Emma stole the spotlight every time they were on screen. And omg that little parallel with episode 2 I think with the scene on the bridge and Rhaenyra with her dragon I loved it so much.

And now onto the other sad part Lucerys, I knew he was gonna die and how, but I did not think that was gonna be Aemond's reaction, and idk if that's how it was in the books or if they changed it, but I really thought Aemond would kill Lucerys on purpose but in my opinion I think you can clearly see that it was an accident somehow they both lost control of their dragons and Aemond couldn't do anything and he looked genuinely shocked, if that reaction was bc he killed Lucerys and that's not what he wanted so he was upset or if it was bc he was scared of what could happen to him, idk but you could see some regret I feel like, and I still don't hate him, I'm sorry I know people do hate him now but I just dont personally.

Anyway Emma's amazing and they deserve more love and recognition from everyone but unfortunately they still are not getting it and we all know why, I had to add that there bc it still bothers me to no end, that's it, goodbye

[askthepsychic]

The Shepherds of Souls: Part 1

As I’ve already said, my mentor was still with me during this story. This was one of the times when I was taught something that I had to keep to myself in practically any situation. We were walking through Ponyville one day, conversing in admittedly one of my favorite languages (I think it’s called Latin in most space times) when she suddenly seemed distracted. Then she smiled and looked at me, saying that she saw an opportunity for a most interesting lesson indeed. I looked where she was looking and saw what looked like a pony in a cloak standing outside the old Ponyville General Hospital. The second I noticed them I felt a strong spiritual presence from them. It was shocking to be honest. I’d never encountered such a strongly spiritual being before. Not that I was aware of in any case. I looked at my mentor and she simply nodded. Her normal indication that I should engage. I set myself into the state of mind I had painstakingly built for these situations back then and went to work, or so I thought. A moment later I was standing next to the cloaked pony. I had only seen them from behind before then, so when they turned to look at me, my heart sank. Their face was… horribly twisted. Based on previous experience I could only think that they must have died in a terrible manner. But it wasn’t the first time I had seen such a thing, so I steeled myself and pressed on, asking them who they wanted to speak to and offering to take a message for them. Strangely, they smiled at me and asked if I was the new Helper. I asked what they meant and they said… they said that Helper was the word that their tribe had decided on for individuals who had my gift. Based on… appearance I thought they meant earth ponies. I asked if unicorns and pegasi had different words for my gift, thinking that maybe what they really wanted was just one last conversation with someone alive. Then… they laughed. They asked me if this was my first interaction with a… reaper. I was confused. Maybe even a little shocked. Not because of the word, I had already been taught what it meant, but because up until then I had thought there was only one, yet they had said “a” reaper. Then I realized what I was really meant to learn from this situation. It was made even clearer when my mentor approached and embraced them as an old friend. She’d told me previously that she had lived about two centuries before me. She then introduced me to the reaper Mound Shroud. Ponyville’s resident reaper. During that lesson I learned that there were actually hundreds if not thousands of different reapers all around the world and that they could technically be considered a tribe all their own. Their job was to collect newly deceased souls and open a gateway to the place where the Lord of Death sits, guarding the passage to the next world. I was told that the Lord of Death was actually the being depicted in all those old illustrations of the so called Grim Reaper. And that ironically, those illustrations are the reason so many reapers exist now. It seems that in the distant past, it was possible for those still alive to stumble into the passage between worlds. That’s why the depictions of the Grim Reaper look the way they do. Those individuals caught a glimpse of him before they could be sent back to the living world. Back then, his task was twice as involved. He had and has a sense of when someone is close to death, and he used to be tasked with providing a door to the passage for the newly deceased, which is what the reapers do now. With reapers able to walk about the living world, they have much greater control of who passes through those doors. Many ponies and creatures fear the reapers for what they do, but during that lesson, I found myself forming a friendship with Mound Shroud. Eventually the soul he had been waiting for appeared and he sent them onwards to the next world. I remember them being a scared little filly. She had died of some horrible disease or other, and her primary concern was for her parents. Mound Shroud was so kind and gentle with her.

[dontmindifidontt]

EARLY MORNINGS AND OVERTIME | Nanami Kento x Reader JJK fanfic | Chapter 13: Together

Pairing: Nanami Kento x Reader (fem, first person pov) Word count: 3652 Fic Summary: A smutty fic in which Nanami Kento brightens up the mundane, flour-dusted life a college dropout working in a bakery.   Chapter Summary: A terrifying truth comes to light, forcing our baker to take her biggest risk yet. No smut warnings this chapter.

Read on AO3. Masterlist. Please feel free to ask me to correct anything in the above info, this is my first fic and I want to be sure I’m following all fic-posting etiquette. Ty!

“There is something to worry about.”

The sentence nearly brings me to my knees.

I can see the pain written on Nanami’s face and my heart drops to my stomach in an instant. I knew this was all too good to be true.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I can barely get the words out.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you about the night you decided to start training.”

My head races as I think back to that night... that’s when we were attacked by a curse on the sidewalk leaving the class at the restaurant. What started as a romantic date night quickly turned into the most dangerous situation of my life.

I meet Nanami’s gaze, and I barely have the strength to ask what he means. It must be clear by the look on my face I’m waiting for him to go on. He clears his throat before starting.

“We weren’t attacked by just one curse that night... there were actually two.”

It takes all my effort not to double over as my chest feels like it's caving in. I'm completely still with shock and yet it feels as if the wind was knocked out of me. It was that bad? And I was totally clueless...

Nanami continues on as I stand motionless, “But I only exorcised one of them.”

My jaw drops as I stare at him in stunned silence. A million questions flood my mind. Does that mean it got away? Has it reappeared without me knowing it? Is he in danger?

Before the panic renders me useless I take a deep breath and remember the progress I’ve made since I first met Nanami. I’m not powerless anymore. I took the time to begin training because I survived this exact attack he’s talking about now. I don’t need to be scared.

Looking him right in the eye, I inhale and square my shoulders back before reminding Nanami, “I started training because I want to be able to not only defend myself, but help you too. You shouldn’t have kept that from me.” Before he can say anything, I add, “I want to train some more. Soon. So that whatever is wrong, we can face together.”

He walks away from the doorway of the closet where our conversation began, and takes a seat on the edge of our bed. Resting his elbows on his knees, he stares forward.

“I should have told you this while you were training. I didn’t think it would be an issue because I didn’t think there would be any reason for this curse to bother us again..." he sucks in a breath, "until it did.”

“It WHAT?” I stalk forward to where he’s seated in a flash, unable to believe what I’m hearing. “It came back?!”

“Never when you were around.” He pauses, wincing. “But I’m afraid that trend may break.”

“What are you talking about?”

Taking another deep breath, Nanami starts, “It seems to... taunt me. Like it’s trying to seek out revenge for me exorcizing the other curse. It gets close enough to hurt me but then vanishes before I even have the chance to draw my weapon.”

“But why just you? We were both there. You only exorcized the other one because I distracted it!”

“I know, and it still pains me when I’m reminded of the fact that you had to do that.” Nanami drags a hand through his hair, shaking his head in frustration. “For now it’s only been taunting me when you’re not around, but there’s no way to know if that pattern will change.”

I begin to debate with myself internally. The way this entire situation is unfurling around me can be handled in very different ways. I could rightfully explode at Nanami for keeping me in the dark about this, which... maybe I will at a later time... or I could do what I’ve been wanting to do since I first found out what the hell was going on in this world of sorcery. I could help.

Dropping onto the edge of the bed beside him, I wrap my arms around Nanami and lean my head against him. “You don’t have to hide this from me. Let me help. Train me to be even stronger and then we won’t have to worry about these things at all.”

“I’m just afraid of what may happen to you,” he confesses, “I refuse to put you in any situation that could hurt you.”

“I’m not made of glass you know,” I try to force even a chuckle out of him but he doesn’t laugh.

“I should be able to handle this on my own.” He sounds defeated, admitting this in a quiet voice I can barely hear. It hurts to hear this strong, capable man sound so utterly crushed.

“No, you shouldn’t have to.” I will never understand why he is so set on dealing with these problems on his own. What is he so afraid of? He has to understand that I’m willingly choosing to be with him, and choosing to learn to fight curses knowing the risks.

“I feel like I’ve already failed you before, and no amount of training can redeem that.”

Something in me breaks at the pain in his voice, and I can’t stop myself from holding his face in my hands. “Please. Let us handle this together. When we take even the toughest problem on together we can’t fail.”

Slowly looking over at me, a sense of clarity seems to cast across Nanami’s face.

“Together,” he says the word like it’s the first time he’s ever felt comfortable allying himself with another person.

“Together,” I repeat, still holding his face in my hands.

______________________________

Things have shifted. Or rather, Nanami has shifted. It truly feels that he’s taken our conversation to heart, and has learned to trust the fact that we’re a team. He doesn’t have to shoulder the burden anymore. It’s taken the entirety of our relationship so far for him to realize this. Though something tells me he’ll never truly be able to give up his protective ways.

It didn’t take much convincing to plan our next training session. Rather than traveling to the outskirts again, he’s rented space in an indoor workout studio for us to practice in the city. He has yet to see this lingering curse again, but he does an awful job of trying to hide the fact he’s always looking over his shoulder.

“If it’s taunting you for revenge, do you think this curse actually... cared for the other one you exorcized? Are they capable of that?” I muse aloud to Nanami while stretching one arm over the other across my chest. This workout studio is massive, more like a gymnasium, and allows us to practice both short and long-distance combat in private.

Switching arms, I’m careful not to knock my glasses off the scoop neck collar of my shirt. I’ve gotten into the habit of keeping the glasses handy, just in case.

“That’s what I haven’t been able to quite grasp,” Nanami replies while unpacking some training weapons and tools from his athletic bag. “I wasn’t aware curses could be connected like this - the few times it’s reappeared it makes its presence known but doesn’t advance on me to attack. It just... wants me to know it’s watching.”

I shudder at the thought. It feels so... invasive.

Suddenly an idea crosses my mind and I shudder for an entirely different reason. If it’s revenge it wants, and Nanami took away someone it cared about, does that mean... it wants to take away someone Nanami cares about? Am I its target?

I feel as if I’m about to be sick. Sinking to the ground, I act as if I meant to tie my shoe and stretch my hamstrings. Hiding my head while pulling against the bottom of my foot to stretch, I continue to frantically mull over the situation.

This is bad. But I can’t tell Nanami about my suspicions or he’ll never stop worrying. If I thought he was protective before, this theory of mine will takes things to a whole new level... not to mention the guilt he's already stricken with just for getting me involved.

My mind races, and I can feel myself beginning to spiral. There must be a way for me to fix this, to come up with a plan. I should be keying Nanami in to my suspicions about this curse, but I don’t want to worry him if I don’t know for certain what’s going on. He would never be able to live with himself if he felt at fault for putting me in danger.

I bite my lip, every second of worrying beginning to make me sweat. I think back to all of the times I’ve been hurt by Nanami’s secret-keeping, and here I am planning to do the same. Every thought I have is immediately met with another what if.

Continuing to war with myself internally while halfheartedly pretending to focus on stretching, I make up my mind. Keeping my suspicions secret from Nanami isn’t necessarily the right thing to do, but preventing his worrying and guilt feels like the kindest option. I hope.

“Ready to begin?”

I almost gasp when the sound of Nanami’s voice pulls me from the near-trance my inner debate just put me in. With shaky knees I stand up and continue stretching my arms as if muscle soreness is the only reason I’m weak on my feet.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I respond with my best attempt at normalcy. I can’t let him know something is up.

“Let’s practice close combat more intently today,” suggests Nanami.

“We don’t usually do that - why start with those exercises today?” The nervous sweat continues to bead down the back of my neck. For him to want me to practice my close combat… is he thinking the same thing I’m thinking?

“It’s important for you to know.” That’s the only response I get from him before he turns to his weapons bag and begins to sift through the jam-packed duffel.

I spot a weapon shaped like a butcher knife, almost identical to Nanami’s own, right as he begins to reach for it. Panic seeps in yet again and I wrack my brain for ways to prevent my fears from becoming reality. I can’t do this to him - I can’t let him think I’m in danger because of him.

I’m so nervous the room begins to spin.

“Can we not train anymore? I uh, don’t feel well.” My statement is only partially false.

Nanami immediately whips his head back to look at me while I sit back down onto the ground. He’s by my side before I can even blink and asking me what’s wrong.

What do I tell him without getting him worried? Definitely not the truth. I need to distract him, to distract us both.

“I feel nauseous all of a sudden.” Another half lie-half truth. “I just need a distraction is all, that usually helps me when I feel sick.”

Sitting on the padded gym mat on the floor alongside me, Nanami wraps his arms around me and leans me back against his chest as gently as I’ve ever felt. “A distraction, hmm? I’ve got plenty of those.” His thumb begins to caress my thigh idly and his teasing tone of voice almost makes me smile to myself despite my racing nerves. Somehow he can make me swoon even in the most stressful of times.

Maybe that’s why I’m not thinking straight when I blurt aloud, “Why don’t you distract me with our fake proposal story? The one you so expertly drummed up the night of our cooking class together.”

He tenses slightly and I’ve suddenly become intently focused on staring holes into my shoelaces. As surprised as I am at myself for bringing this up, I can’t help but be glad for the way this will sidetrack us completely from the subject of training and vengeful curses.

Nanami clears his throat a bit before starting. “I was able to drum that up pretty good on the spot, huh?” He says this like it’s a rhetorical question, almost to himself. “I guess the story just felt… believable.”

Now I can’t help but smile to myself as I recall the fake story Nanami told the cab driver who took us to our cooking class and assumed we were married. Nanami immediately explained without hesitation that we met while out buying baguettes in the same bakery in Paris, and then returned to the city a year later on our anniversary where he proposed over an elaborate picnic.

Maybe it seems believable because I want to believe that story is real.

Still sitting across his lap, I tilt my head slightly to look at him. He looks wistful, as if recalling a real memory.

Almost shakily, I start, “It feels believable to me too.” I can’t help but admit it, and his eyes quickly shift down to look at me. The smile he wears in response is more sad than happy, and full of longing.

“I wish being ‘believable’ was all it took.” He practically mumbles.

“What do you mean?” I shift myself even more, getting a better look at him.

“I mean- I don’t know what I mean,” he looks away as he says this, as if he can’t even make eye contact with me anymore.

“You don’t think we’re capable of one day being a married couple with a nice love story?” I try to keep my tone calm but his change in mood is already worrying me. I’d be lying if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind before. The more time we spend together, the more times I hear him breathlessly tell me he loves me when we’re in bed together; I can’t help but picture what’s in store for us in the future.

He instantly picks up on my confusion and starts to correct himself. “I don’t mean that. I mean… I’m not capable of it.”

“What are you talking about?” I fully remove myself from his lap now, pushing back on my hands so that I’m sitting across from him. I try to hold his gaze but he’s shifting his eyes too much to focus on me.

He rubs his face with his hand, suddenly looking regretful for voicing whatever concern he’s just admitted about himself.

“I say I’m not capable of that kind of nice, happy lifetime love story because look at what my lifetime entails.” He gestures broadly around us before he continues on while I stare at him in confusion. “I feel no right to promise myself to be in a lifelong commitment to someone when I’m putting myself in situations that could end my life any day.” Once again he gestures to the bag of weapons across the gym, alluding to the dangerous work of exercising curses he can’t seem to escape from.

He feels like it’s wrong for him to marry someone because he��s so often in danger? I would think to myself that he’s out of his mind to view his own life choices this way, but I know him too well to think he wouldn’t sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of someone else's safety.

I’m stunned for a second before I can respond, my mouth opening and closing with words I can’t seem to find.

After all we’ve been through, does he really think it’s best to shut the door on a long-term future? Without even trying? He would give up his own chance at happiness with someone, with me, because he wants to prevent them from heartache?

Now the room is spinning again for an entirely different reason. Before I realize it, my body is moving without my mind controlling it, and I’m standing. I can barely feel my feet as I begin to walk away without a word - just needing air.

“Wait-“ Nanami calls after me and I can hear him getting up to follow me.

I could turn around and hear him out.

I could stop walking away and remind him we’re in this together, that I want to be together.

Or, I could make the same sacrifice he seems to want to make.

A curse can’t go after me for revenge against Nanami if we’re no longer together, right?

What if this is what it takes to spare him the heartache of feeling responsible for the curse's threat to hunt me down? It's only a matter of time until the curse succeeds...

I pause, stopping in my tracks but not yet turning around to face him. I take a deep breath before slowly turning.

“You’re right.” At first, those are the only words I can get out.

“No, I wasn’t right, I don’t know what I was saying. I love you too much to let those fears get in the way of us.” The words begin to spill out of Nanami’s mouth and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. It nearly knocks me over with how much I love him back.

But I have to do this. Because I love him.

“Don’t you wonder why I said you’re right?” I have to force the words out because I know they’re going to be hurtful but that’s the only way this will work. “I say you’re right because I agree. I don’t want to be with someone who promises me a lifetime but puts themselves in situations that could harm them.” Here’s the part I know will break him but I have to do it: “Or harm me.”

I can see the sadness zap the light out of his eyes in an instant. His mouth opens but no words come out as he begins to reach for me, pain and desperation covering his features.

“I would never let-“ he starts but I don’t let him finish before I turn on my heel and yank my arm away before his fingers can clasp around it.

“I’m done. You just opened my eyes and made me see our situation clearly for what it is.” I’m walking towards the door once again and hear him following.

I have to say the final blow so he doesn’t pursue me out. So whatever curse is threatening him with taunts to hurt me knows we’re over and won’t be able to hold that leverage over him anymore.

“If you can’t promise me a future that has you safe in it, then I never want to see you again.”

With that I’m bolting out the door before he can see the hot tears that flood my vision.

I burst through the metal double doors that lead to the sidewalk outside the gymnasium and gasp for air. Disbelief fills me for what I’ve done, but the smallest part of me feels secure in knowing that if my plan works I’ve just saved Nanami from the heartache and regret-filled guilt he was bound to feel if this curse caught up to us.

Knowing he’s bound to follow me outside, I walk in the opposite direction of his car and follow wherever my feet take me. I don’t have a destination but I know I can’t go home. To his home. Our home.

I take random turns and focus more on not hyperventilating than remembering which direction to walk in. It doesn’t take long before I’m in an unfamiliar area with no idea where to turn next.

The stress of the past couple hours suddenly begins to close in on me, and the severity of my situation makes my legs shake. Not only have I potentially destroyed the relationship I cared about most, but I managed to also get myself lost in an unknown part of town without any contact with the one person I can always count on to help me when I need it.

Taking yet another turn, I find myself on a quiet street. No homes, no foot traffic, only shops or stores that that look functioning yet empty. How did I even manage to walk so far out?

As I begin to turn on my heel in an attempt to trace my steps, I hear the only other noise besides my feet on this otherwise silent street.

It’s not quite footsteps… more of a scuttling sound. Garbage cans and trash littering the side of a building clang with movement and my breath catches in my throat. It’s now obvious I’m not alone.

All this time I thought I was walking away from that gym and keeping Nanami safe in the process. Distancing myself, and therefore the curse, from him. Releasing him from the trap of my fate. Only now, as the impending scuttling footsteps presumably belonging to my hunter close in, I realize I was wrong.

The curse set the trap, and I blindly led myself straight into the net.

….

| Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Coming Soon |

Join my taglist here.

Taglist: @hellonaomix @angelofthorr  @bloombb @hiyamaya72 @m4y554

[elyannadelrey]

Almost all “sacrifices” I received, was (most of the time) given out of my will.

Growing up in a household where “utang na loob” is taught, I learned how to value my parents’ hardships, even though it also meant to repress my own emotions. In my idle moments, like eating in a restaurant, I like to observe kids with complete families. It was as if my eyes had their own mind to automatically stare at children with a loving and affectionate father. Bitterness filled my system, but it wasn’t due to the food; it was the growing envy that I tried not to consume but failed to do so. This growing envy of mine was one of the first reasons why I was angry at the world and somehow at my father. I can’t even remember the last graduation, birthday, or any event of mine that he was able to attend. Before, I would try to reason out the external factors he couldn’t control to ease my anger. We have bills to pay. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t go home. Even though his congratulations messages and calls were always present, somehow it wasn’t enough. Was it the fact that he wasn’t there physically? Or the lack of sincerity? Or maybe I’m reminded of the time I was first eminently insulted by how he called me bobo for not keeping up with his way of tutoring me? A crying elementary version of me always pops up as I silence myself from his high-pitched remarks and curses, with my lola stopping him to hit me out of anger. Our house turns into a rage room whenever he goes home, forcing me to turn on my fight or flight response.

Can you really call yourself a parent if your child is not safe and secured with you?

My last straw was him cheating, honestly. I wasn’t that shocked when I found out, since I expected it already from someone as disgusting as him. Deep down, I always knew it was going to happen. Unfortunately, it took him more than a decade to cheat, which wasted years of my mom’s life. Actually, I’m not quite sure if it took him a decade to cheat or a decade to get caught. I have blurry memories of seeing sweet messages from another woman on his phone back when I was an only child. However, my fear for him was greater than my curiosity, so I decided not to read everything. This incident also triggered something in me to forget negative memories. The stress of having to go through what happened pains me so much that I try to trick my brain to downplay whatever happened. Which is also the reason why I sometimes can’t go on with full details about every single argument I had with him (or with anyone).

That’s just some behaviors I got from the situations I’ve been in with him. Sadly, the more that I hated my father, the more I mastered some of his traits. Maybe I’m far worse than him.

The hard truth is: you don’t hold the same power over someone who has greatly influenced your life. No matter how pure my intentions are, I can’t change the way my father thinks, like how he affected my thought process. His decisions are his. And I can’t do anything about it. I sometimes wish I could change him for the better, but then that wouldn’t be him.

With this, I’ve been asking myself lately. Is being unfair to someone you love a shortcoming or a choice?

Does my dad ever regret the things he did and said? Did I ever receive the apology I dreamed of in his silent reflections? Or was it all just a random day for him “disciplining” me since he knows “na para ‘to sa ikabubuti ko”?

I might know. I might never know. But one thing I really learned from him is to let people be. If someone wants to be somebody else, let them be. If they want to leave, let them be. Honestly, just let it be. I wish for better things, but I can’t control everything.

To my father, how can I ever thank you? You're too far away now. I don't even know you anymore. Your voice didn't reach me in a long time, but the words still linger inside me.

When will I able to greet you without it feeling like a task to accomplish? I don't know.

[an open letter to my father]

(breakdown while writing the intro at 12am tapos 5:53 am na natapos lawl im js a thought daughter fr)