#some of us are recovering and one bad day away from a relapse

[josephquinnswhore]

PEDRO PASCAL Masterlist

Fluff: ☁︎ Hurt/comfort: ❀ Angst: 𖤐 Requested: 𐦍 Smut: ☾

Pedro Pascal:

• cancel culture - people have a lot of nasty things to say regarding the age gap in your relationship. ❀

• relapse - you’re a recovering alcoholic, Pedro sends you spiralling and to your demise. 𖤐︎

• baby, baby! - you’re pregnant with twins and find out halfway through your pregnancy. ☁︎

• don’t listen - Twitter is a brutal place when you post about the lgbtqi community. ☁︎ ❀

• cause for celebration - Pedro’s first Oscar Award show was a success. 𐦍 ☁︎

• settling in - buying your dream home for your family before you give birth to your baby. ☁︎ 𐦍

• finding our way back - after being broken up for two years; you and Pedro rekindle your relationship. ☁︎ 𐦍

• breaking point - in the paparazzi’s frenzy, you’re hurt and Pedro looses his shit. ☁︎ 𐦍

• polaroid - Oscar and Charlie are checking out an intimate photo of you and Pedro gets jealous. ☁︎ ☾ 𐦍

• his girl - unknown feelings between you and Pedro is admitted after some sexual tension. 𐦍

• accidents happen - you’re badly hurt during a stunt in a scene with Pedro. ❀ ☁︎ 𐦍

• family funtime- you’re Pedro’s girlfriend and meet the cast of the last of us. ☁︎ 𐦍

• content - after a hard week you and Pedro have a lazy day. ☁︎ 𐦍

• i’ve got you - pedro takes care of you on your period. ☁︎ 𐦍

• his voice - Pedro is hurt on the set of tlou. ☁︎

• the actor and the artist - the paparazzi make you wonder if you’re good enough for Pedro as a young upcoming artist. ☁︎

• i’ll wait for love - you’re in a bad relationship when you meet Pedro properly. What happens when you’ve healed and are available? ❀ ☁︎ 𐦍 ☠︎︎

Joel Miller: (the last of us)

• all for love - you and Joel aren’t seeing eye to eye, when he opens up he shows you how much he loves you. ☾ ☁︎ ❀

• I’ll be there for you - you’ve become Joel’s soft spot, reminding him of Sarah. ☁︎ ❀

• girl dad - Joel comes to terms with his new reality, finding it hard to accept Ellie isn’t his only daughter. 𖤐

• vanilla - you use your safe word but Joel doesn’t hear. ☾ ☁︎ ❀ ☠︎︎

• bittersweet - part 2 to “vanilla.” ☁︎ ❀ 𐦍

• a mothers strength - you and Joel’s daughter aren’t where he left you, when he finds your house empty, he begins to panic. ☁︎ ❀ 𐦍

• all it takes - you’re attacked by a clicker and it forces Joel to admit his feelings for you. ❀

• her sanctuary - Joel notices you pulling away from him and works hard to fix it. ❀

• little mouse - a mysterious biker saves you when you’re in peril. (a collab with @katiexpunk) ☾

• red wine & reparation - you and Joel are coparenting, but still secretly love each other. ☾

Ellie Williams: (the last of us)

• can(t) do casual - you break the one rule of yours and Ellie’s arrangement; don’t get attached. ☁︎ ❀

Javier Peña: (narcos)

• saviour - you’re captured by Pablo Escobars men as a wager against Javier. ❀

• confessions - you’ve fallen for notorious womaniser Javier Peña, a bad date leads him to confess his true intentions. ☁︎ ❀

Frankie Morales: (triple frontier)

• baby blues - frankie realises just how much you’re struggling with your newborn baby and vows to be better. ❀

MULTI-PART SERIES FICS:

Din Djarin: (the mandalorian)

• walls come tumbling down - you and the infamous Mandalorian go through a series of events that either bring you closer or seperate you. (completed series) ☾ ☁︎ ❀

Oberyn Martell: (game of thrones)

• eternal destiny - reader meets a handsome man at the markets, her destiny set for her once she receives her mark. Join her as she finds her soulmate and they embark on their journey. (ongoing series) ☾ ☁︎ ❀

Dave York: (equaliser 2)

• thirteen days - everyday, you live a life of normalcy; children, a loving fiancé, and an incredible home. Nothing exciting ever happened; until you’re dragged into Dave’s personal business. You’re being held for ransom until Dave is held accountable for his actions; he has 13 days to save you. (Ongoing series.) ❀ 𖤐☁︎

CHARACTERS COMING SOON:

• Jack Daniels “Agent Whiskey” (Kingsmen: the golden circle)

• Javi Gutierrez (the unbearable weight of massive talent)

• Ezra (prospect)

divider was made by @saradika

header & warning made by @cool-iguana

[reasonsmandy]

Your special someone

Eddie Roundtree × Fem!Reader

✧.* requested by anon — Hey could u possibly do an imagine with Eddie where y/n is graham and Billy’s sister and she just tours with the band and like one day she’s just sitting out on her own lowkey on the verge of tears cause she’s scared of what Billy’s becoming with his addiction so Eddie sees her and holds her and they have a moment and start to get closer and more touchy with each other (cuddly) and when billy goes to rehab her and Eddie take a trip together to wherever (you decide) and then Eddie confesses that he’s in love with her and she also confesses? You can add whatever u want but that’s just the general basis of it.

✧.* summary — Your brother's addiction to drugs made you more and more worried about him, you looked for a way to make him better, and in that moment of anguish the person who supported you the most was Eddie. And over time your relationship grew into something more.

✧.* warnings — mention of drugs, addicted Billy, maybe some mistakes in the timeline of the book (sorry about that).

✧.* word count — 2.4k

✧.* 🎸 — Eddie's masterlist

✧.* mandy's notes — I love writing declarations of love, this one made my heart warm. Hope you like it <3

Being the sister of two rockstars was the biggest wish of all those people who were screaming for The six out there, but for you your brothers were much more than rock stars, they were what kept you sane, your foundations. Billy, Graham and you were always very close, and since you were little you always took care of each other.

Your love for them was something so big that you didn't have words to explain, even with all the mistakes - especially Billy's - you weren't able to stay upset with them for long.So when they told you they were going to LA to further the band's career your heart almost broke at the thought of being away from them for so long. You then talked to your mother and with the help of your brothers you convinced her to let you go with them.

Being with them throughout this trajectory filled your heart with pride, you could hardly believe that at that moment you were backstage at one of their concerts that was sold out. Words weren't enough to express your pride in them, and seeing them wearing the clothes you made was even more rewarding.

However, as unfortunately not everything is always happiness, you had spent the last days of the tour extremely worried about Billy. The last few days he was clearly overindulging in drugs and booze, even bringing you flashbacks of your father… The fight with Camila had sparked a much bigger drug craving in the older Dunne, he couldn't seem to stop and it was more and more visible.

Graham Dunne: Y/N tried to warn me, but we didn't really understand what addiction was back then. I thought he would recover with time, that it was just a relapse.

Y/N Dunne: I knew he was in bad shape, I didn't recognize my brother anymore... And if I'm honest with you, I was terrified.

Billy was once again snorting another line of cocaine, and watching your big brother do this made your heart clench in frustration.

"Billy, don't you think it's enough?" Concerned, you approach him, touching his shoulder.

"Are you my mother now?" He says rolling his eyes, pulling away from you. "I know when to stop, you don't have to take care of me."

He says as he walks away from you, staggering a little while feeling the effect of what he used. Not knowing what to do, you sit down, worried about what it all could cause later, the consequences of it all. They had just played the last song, the crowd's celebration was thrilling, and you knew you couldn't stay to watch your brother tear himself apart like he always did at the end of every show.

So you decided to take some time alone, you needed to think about how to help him, and since Graham didn't want to instruct you or at least think of something to solve it, you felt helpless… It wasn't like you could call your mother for help, after all she was in Pittsburgh and Billy was old enough for her to be able to force him to stop.

Eddie had become one of your best friends over the years, you were very close and he knew your concern for Billy and how it was affecting you. He had thought and even tried to talk to Billy about it but as usual he didn't listen to the blonde, so all he could do was try to calm you down, make you feel better.

As soon as Roundtree comes down from the stage, his eyes look for you, when he notices your absence he starts to worry because he knew that you always liked to be there at the end of the shows to congratulate them.

"Warren, have you seen Y/N?" the bassist asks.

"No man, did something happen?" Rojas asks, noticing his friend's worried expression.

"Thank you" he says not answering the drummer's question, heading towards the open part of the place hoping to find you there.

It was already half past midnight, the moon lit the streets along with the streetlights and you cried when you thought about the state your brother was in, it's very difficult to see someone you love with all your heart and soul in a situation like that, and the fear of losing him became more and more alive in you.

You sobbed while letting the tears escape, it was as if you were getting rid of, or at least trying to, a weight that had tormented you for many days. You wanted to have the solution for Billy, you wanted to be able to help him but your hands were tied.

Eddie saw you sat with your hands on your face, his chest tightened to see you sad like that, he cared about you in a way he couldn't explain and he hated when anything made you feel bad. The bassist was in love with you for a long time, he loved every detail about you and would probably do anything to see you well.

He approaches you slowly, expecting you to notice his presence, but you didn't. Roundtree reaches out his arm to poke your shoulder, You wipe your tears in an attempt to hide it from whoever was there, but when you notice it was him you smile weakly shaking your head, showing him that you weren't fine… that you needed him there.

"Is it okay if I sit here?" He whispers, waiting for your confirmation.

"Of course Ed'' You reply, holding out your hand for him to take, which he does.

"I hate seeing you like this…" He says, lacing his fingers through yours. "What can I do to help you, love?"

You smile at the nickname, you two had this way of treating each other which you decided not to name, you had a relationship that with all the characteristics could be called loving, but the two of you for some reason didn't want to risk making things different by talking about.

You were very affectionate with each other, hugs, nights sleeping together, cuddling and sometimes some make out sessions.

"I wanted so much to help him Eddie" Without holding back the tears you say, laying your head on his shoulder. "I hate seeing him like this, I feel so useless"

"Oh my love, you do your best for him" He says, enveloping you in a hug where you knew you could feel safe. "If you want I can help you with that idea you had"

Last night while you were in bed, you told Eddie your idea to call Teddy Price to help Billy, you were sure he would listen if it was Price who told him to control himself. The only problem is that you had no contact with him, and you had no idea how to get in contact with him without Billy knowing.

You watch him closely, the tears in your eyes started to fall you felt so supported by him, you know he would always be there for you. Relieved you let out a sigh, hugging him tighter. He hugs you back, stroking your back assuring you as much as he can that he'll be always there for you.

"You can count on me for whatever you need." He says, placing a kiss on your head. "I'll talk to Warren, he might know his number or where he is."

"I don't even know how to thank you." Eddie noticed that you were much more relieved the more you talked.

"I know…" He says smiling, you take your gaze to him. "Let's rest? I want you to be at peace with all of this, I'll sort it out. Do you trust me?"

"With my life" You smile, planting a kiss on the bassist's cheek.

…

It had been a few weeks since Billy had been in rehab, and although the fact that he was away was something that made you anxious you knew it was for his own good and that was enough. With Billy's absence the shows were cancelled, and they had to pass back the money the record company gave them, and with this free time you all took the opportunity to take a break before looking for any job.

Warren was obsessed with the boats that were around there, and he didn't spend a day away from the beach to have any chance of getting on one. Graham spent half his time with Karen, and although they swore no one knew about them, you knew your brother… you knew he was madly in love with her.

And you were now packing your bags for a trip with Eddie, you didn't have a lot of money for an extraordinary trip, but when he told you the idea of ​​going to a cabin just the two of you your eyes lit up with excitement. Eddie and you were in that friends-with-benefits thing, and although you wanted to make it official the fear of losing him spoke louder, after all Eddie was a rock star and rock stars didn't date seriously, you thought.

So besides the invitation to the trip that took you by surprise, you couldn't wait to be alone with him enjoying each other's company.

"Are you ready beautiful?" He asks, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"Almost Eddie, give me just a second" You open the closet, taking a few more things to complete your checklist. "Now I'm ready."

You turn to him, smiling with excitement the blonde places a kiss on your lips and looks you from head to toe

"You are wonderful..." He takes your hand, heading towards the exit with your bag in the other free hand.

After an hour of travel you arrived at the cabin, it was very cozy and would certainly be a great house for you that weekend. Inside, the decor was super characteristic, several vinyl records hanging on the walls, a fireplace with some armchairs around it. Upstairs is just the suite where you were going to sleep, you went up the stairs excitedly throwing yourself on the bed.

"Eddie this is amazing! I'm in love with everything here" You take your gaze to the window behind the bed, which had a wonderful view of the forest and lake beyond you.

"I'm glad you liked it my love" He lays down next to you on the bed, holding your hand he brings it to his mouth to kiss your knuckles. "It's always good to get away from problems with you"

You turn onto your stomach, looking tenderly at the blonde he smiles as he takes a closer look at your face, he was madly in love with you.

"If I could I would stay with you here forever" You approach him, kissing his nose. "So what? What are the plans for today?"

You and Roundtree had spent the afternoon enjoying each other's company, you danced together, he played a few songs while you ventured out to sing a little, then you decided to prepare things for dinner. And now, with only the moonlight illuminating you, the two of you were sitting in the cabin's backyard.

Just you and the noises of nature, you were sharing a bench you snuggled between the bassist's legs getting a cuddle from him, keeping your eyes closed. Eddie watches you, not believing that someone as wonderful as you was there with him, he didn't believe he was the lucky man who had the chance to hold you in his arms.

However, the thought that you could be with anyone else came to the blonde's mind after all... You weren't official. He knew you wouldn't do something without talking to him first, he trusted you, but the thought that someone could have the courage he didn't have to declare himself to you made him despair.

"I need to tell you something" The bassist says, making you open your eyes and watch him carefully.

"You can say it, I'm here for you." You say, smiling in an attempt to calm the boy who had a rapid heartbeat at this point. "You know I won't judge you or anything…"

"Y/N I can't pretend this doesn't affect me in a different way anymore" He lets out, making you startle at his choice of words.

"What do you mean?" You shift in the chair to look into his eyes.

"I can't pretend that I'm not in love with you baby." He concluded, now making your heart skip a beat. "I am in love with every detail that shapes you, I'm crazy about your smile, you're the most talented person I know, and also the kindest person ever...I mean, you can be nice to Billy! This is the hardest thing a human being can do."

He says making you laugh with the last sentence, slapping the bassist on the shoulder saying non-verbally "hey, that's my brother!"

"There is no one that makes me feel the way you do, and you know I'm terrible at showing what I feel, and even worse trying to put my feelings into words, but when it comes to you… fuck, Y/N! I can change the world just to see you smile" He says, bringing his hands to your waist, seeking closeness. "And I would never forgive myself if I let the best person in the world slip through my hands without even saying how I feel. I love you so much"

You can feel a few tears form in your eyes, an involuntary smile appears on your face when you hear those very beautiful words. Eddie Roundtree was the man that made you sigh, in many ways, he was the man that made you feel special, that made you feel safe, he was the person that would not only be there to help you, but to give you support in everything you set out to do. He was your special someone.

Without wasting time you end the distance between you with a kiss, your hands go towards the bassist's neck from time to time taking your fingers to the man's hair, he kisses you tenderly like he wants it to last forever, like he doesn't want to feel you far away anymore.

"I'm crazy for you Eddie" You confess, your foreheads were together while your eyes were closed. "I love you, and I'm in love with you too baby."

Y/N Dunne: Well, Billy was in for a big surprise when he got back from rehab. *Laughing* He was jealous for sure, but he knew deep down that there was no one who made me feel better than Eddie.

Eddie Roundtree: What can I say? I'm in love with her.

...

Hi, I hope you enjoyed it... If you wanted to ask for something my requests are open, and if you want to ask and don't have any ideas check out my prompt list :) xoxo

Want to be tagged when new stories come out? REASONSMANDY'S TAG LIST

[paperstorm]

So I decided to resend this ask from last week in a more vague way without calling anyone out specifically. I normally wouldn't do that, but this is an issue that I think should be addressed and you have an uncanny ability to do that in a very diplomatic way.

We all know that TK is an addict, has been for a long time, and has had multiple relapses. However it's important to understand that every minor inconvenience isn't going to send him running to find the nearest dealer. He's not clocking which alleyways have shady people there slinging dope so he knows where to stop on his way home after a bad shift. Even more serious issues, like the brief but unpleasant miscommunication between him and Carlos when Iris disappeared won't have him desperately needing a heroin fix. The people in his life don't need to walk on eggshells around him or form a perimeter around the loft to keep him from scurrying to a street corner or a bar. TK is SO much stronger and more capable than that and I think he deserves far more credit than he gets.

It's a disservice to TK as a character (and to other addicts as well) to assume that they're living their lives with one foot dangling over the edge of the proverbial wagon ready to jump at the first hint of trouble.

Oh thank you for resending this, you made some great points in the first ask but I never wanna hurt anyone's feelings by putting them on blast. I agree with all of this. I'm not ever telling people how to think or how to write fic but here are a few things I would love if this fandom in general understood about addiction:

It is a lifelong struggle. Many addicts think about their drug of choice every single day, forever. That doesn't mean recovering addicts are perpetually one bad day away from being dead in an alley. It's much more complicated than that.

Relapses happen, and don't mean that someone isn't still in recovery. Healing is not linear.

It is okay for people who love addicts to worry about them. But if they are deep into their recovery like TK is, it is insulting and disrespectful for people who love him to treat him like he's always one bad day away from being dead in an alley. He doesn't need a babysitter. He doesn't need people walking on eggshells. Treating him that way tbh makes relapsing more likely, because it would make him feel like "well wtf is the point of abstaining, then, if people are gonna treat me like I'm a baby who can't handle myself anyway?"

Temptation doesn't just happen as a result of something Big and Bad. Sense memory is a hell of a thing. Sometimes I'm walking around doing perfectly fine and then I smell something or I see a road sign or I hear a sound that triggers a memory and the temptation hits. It can be as simple as "I'm in a store - I see a yellow shirt - four years ago I bought a yellow shirt and then later that night I used - now I want to use". You brain creates patterns, it doesn't need to be a traumatic event to bring up those thoughts.

Carlos drinking around him is not him being careless or thoughtless or disrespectful of TK's recovery. No addict is addicted to literally every substance with addictive qualities. He abstains from alcohol because he knows he has an addictive personality and it's safer for him to not drink, but he wasn't addicted to alcohol, so other people drinking does not bother him.

Recovery looks different for everyone. AA/NA meetings are not the only road to it, and tbh, often they are very heavily influenced by Christianity and therefore not a viable path for everyone.

Temptation is literally just that - you are tempted. It doesn't mean he's going to use every time he thinks about it. How many times have you wanted a cookie and not eaten one, or wanted to buy something expensive and talked yourself out of it? TK thinking about using is the same. He's not in danger of relapsing every time the thought crosses his mind. He is a grown up who is capable of self control and it is insulting to suggest otherwise.

Carlos Reyes is the most wonderful man on the planet. Reading articles, calling TK's sponsor even though he's insecure about TK needing someone else, trusting TK when he says it's okay to drink around him, not treating him like he's fragile, "I believe in TK's recovery with my whole heart." He is the model for how to love an addict and I love this show so much for giving that to us.

[snowandsage]

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: ED, body image, depression, mental illness ⚠️⚠️

I would never in a million years post something like this to any of my other social media accounts but I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come and want to make a post. It’s likely that this will be taken down for the “inappropriate photos” and I sincerely doubt that many will take the time to read this, but oh well. I’m writing this for me.

The purpose of this post is to share my story and spread awareness as well as positivity.

My body image is something that I have struggled with for a very long time now. Since middle school, I was overly aware of how my body looked and I developed severe body dysmorphia. I refused to wear bathing suits, I cried in the dressing room whenever I went clothes shopping, and I constantly compared myself to those around me. I hated my body and the way that I looked. This obsession with my appearance and my weight continued to progress throughout high school and even college. I began working out frequently, I logged my weight and everything that I ate for years, I counted calories, I would use a tape measure to measure my waste. At 15 years old, I would sob quietly to myself while looking at my body in the mirror. I would force myself to throw up after meals or when I felt like I overindulged. I wholeheartedly hated myself.

It wasn’t until my adult years that things started to get really bad. From 2021 to late 2022, I was at my absolute worst. I was in a bad place mentally and I was feeling out of control. As unhealthy as it sounds, my eating disorder was one of the few things that helped me feel in control of my life. I began weighing myself 4-5 times every day, my hair started falling out in large clumps, I began passing out almost on a daily basis (at home, at work, in the shower, in public), I was freezing cold all the time, i was chronically fatigued, and my body hurt and ached at all times. I was refusing to eat more than one full meal a day, and that meal typically consisted of a bagel with butter. I would look up the calories in ibuprofen before taking it, I started drinking my coffee black to avoid the calories from cream, I was constantly lying to my friends and family about my eating, I wouldn’t even let myself drink carbonated water because it made me feel bloated. I was so so so sick. Within one year, I had lost a total of 50 pounds, gone down 2 bra sizes, and had no longer fit in any of my clothing. I am a 6’3” woman and was weighing in at 124lbs when I decided that I needed to make a change if I wanted to live.

In November of 2022, I decided to actively work on getting better. I threw away my scale and called my doctor to get a referral to an ED program. I was advised to go completely inpatient considering the severity of my problem.

It’s hard. Every single day of this healing process has been hard for me. I have not once weighed myself since November and have been eating normal meals again. I refuse to let myself see the calories of the things that I eat and I’m pushing myself to break all of the unhealthy “rules” that I had previously made for myself. It’s obvious that I have gained quite a bit of weight since starting this journey, and although I still struggle with that and frequently have negative thoughts… I’m recovering and I’m trying. And that is all the matters.

I’ve slowly been learning to love myself with this new and improved body and I’m proud of myself for making it this far. I promise myself that I will continue to grow and heal even on days where I want to relapse or when I feel worthless or uncomfortable in my own skin.

I just recently learned some information that caused me to really, truly think about this terrible illness and how deeply and negatively it has, and always will, affect my life. About 3 weeks ago I wound up in the emergency department with severe heart palpitations, tachycardia, and vertigo. After doing an EKG and further testing, I was diagnosed with a rare heart condition in which can cause sudden fainting, seizures, or even sudden death. Unfortunately, one of the few things that can cause this, are eating disorders, more specifically anorexia nervosa. I wanted to throw up when I heard this. I didn’t realize how badly my ED could have been affecting my health. All that ever ran through my head was that I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be thin because I didn’t feel worthy if I wasn’t. Surely, nobody would love me or want to see me naked if I wasn’t thin. What absolutely bullshit that is. I’m heartbroken for myself and I am so sad that I ever let myself get that bad. It devastates me to think about how many other people (men, women, young, old, etc.) struggle with eating disorders every waking minute of their lives. It isn’t worth it.

Please, please, please reach out to somebody if you are struggling with an eating disorder. You are so worth it and you deserve a chance at a happy and healthy life. You are SO much more than a number on a scale.

The first 5 photos are pictures that I took when I was at my unhealthiest and the remaining pictures are recent.

[callsignbaphomet]

Just have some thoughts on some OCs brought on by a conversation. This is mainly about violent tendencies and anger of which three OCs stand out the most about.

So excuse me while I word vomit.

When it comes to Angelus he is definitely violent but like I said he is the second most violent OC. Who's the first? Loke.

Yes, that Loke. The same one that will give his own life to spare someone else's whether that person is related to him by blood or time or a complete stranger. The same Loke that went weeks without proper sleep because he spent hours every night looking over his newborn brother because he didn't want the same thing that happened to him as a baby to happen to Jelani. And it wasn't until his own mother caught wind of it and talked to him that he sorta relented. Since then he's been looking after his little brother and will not stop until the day he dies.

And that's why he's the most violent. He first reacts (tho not blindly), he is very driven by revenge. His body count is the highest of them all because he doesn't let shit just slide ESPECIALLY if it involves his brother.

However, Loke is not the angriest. He can be when it involves someone threatening or hurting someone he loves or even an innocent stranger.

Of all the OCs the angriest is definitely Angelus. He went through some messed up shit from ages 3 to about 13 or 14 and because of it he spent long decades--you could even say almost a century and a half recovering from those traumatic events and even now he still suffers those consequences thanks to several conditions and mental illnesses brought on by those events. He's doing so much better now, far better than he thought he would be. The second he was taken away from his abusers his grandfather made it his first priority to get him the best care at the time and has been on top of that ever since.

It helped that he was surrounded by people (Jelani, Loke, Trevor and a mess of other people in Oracle) who cared. For the first time in his life he saw what actual love, softness and compassion was. In every sense of the word all these people were his teachers.

Love, softness and compassion were important but as time passed he grew angry. Therapy after therapy, medications, setbacks, new developments in psychology meant more treatment and more meds, lots of ups and downs when trying to find the right meds for the right conditions and it was tiring as fuck all. Understandably he was angry but that anger scared him because he associated anger with his abusers and he did NOT wanna be like them at all and was conflicted and angry because of the anger.

Jela was the one that taught him that anger wasn't a bad thing. It could be if you let it but it inherently wasn't a bad thing. He told him he could channel that anger as another output in ways that wouldn't hurt him or any innocents. That he could use it as a form of motivation when nothing else worked. Jelani also taught him that he didn't have to always put up a brave front, that sometimes it was okay to wallow in your own self-pity or be sad because pretending to be stronger at all times was the fastest way to relapse and sometimes you just need to recharge your batteries even if it means to not be okay for a while. And not being okay was fine because he wasn't alone, he had people he could lean on until he could stand back on his feet. Once he learned that he found his recovery was that much smoother and he felt a lot more stable. Jelani has been pivotal to his recovery, and setting aside the hero worship he's had since he first laid eyes on him, he feels like he owes him his life and would happily lay it at Jelani's feet if he ever had to. That man worships the ground he walks on and it's more than obvious that if anyone were to even look in Jelani's direction the wrong way he wouldn't think twice about delivering their insides to him on a silver platter as an offering.

So yeah, both Loke and Angelus are violent individuals whose anger and violence are driven by a need to protect others and that might not make sense to others but it does to me and it's a core part of their characters and even plays a huge part in some major and/or minor stories. Despite this, they aren't bad people, they aren't solely defined by their violence and/or rage. They're capable of immense love, empathy, compassion and yeah even mercy. They're not mindless about their violence or anger no matter how catastrophic it might be.

Ah, but I mentioned three OCs and so far I've only talked about two. Who's the third one? To no one's surprise it's Jelani.

His anger and violence tends to be very calculated. He is the very definition of cold calculation. His calculation pairs up with his Machiavellian nature. He can take a lot of shit, in fact, anything done and/or said to him he can swallow and move on. I'm not saying things don't get to him, they most definitely do and if he chooses to respond he will and it won't be this grandiose event. He keeps it simple and to the point. However, do anything, no matter how small and insignificant, to someone he loves and cares about or to an innocent person and the second you finish is the second he starts plotting. It might be something that takes a day or two to develop or something that takes weeks but no matter how long it takes he'll have a response, it will definitely be the most painful and grueling experience of that person's life and he'll make sure he has the last word.

Like his older brother's vengeful and jealously overprotective of the people he loves. I know I always talk about Loke being the overprotective one but in that department both him and Jelani are on equal terms.

He's not without reason and very not reactive. He's very well aware that certain actions can and will have consequences and as acting leader of Oracle he knows damn well that throwing caution to the wind will always come back to bite you in the ass and cause worse problems. So sometimes he'll resort to one single little warning with every intention of following through if you're not smart enough to listen to him.

When his dad's first wife showed up and went to talk to his mom about being able to reconnect with Loke and Jelani found out he was beyond furious. Sanaa said it was Loke's decision whether he wanted to reconnect with her or not and she would discuss it with him. She thought it would be best to be honest with him in case she decided to go directly to Loke. No, Loke didn't take it well and said he wanted nothing to do with her and Ingvarr was pissed the fuck off that she'd dare to ask such a thing after she intentionally nearly killed him as a baby.

Jelani did not react kindly or calmly to that either. He found her and outright told her that if she ever went near him, his parents but especially his brother she'd personally know what it feels like to drown over and over and over again.

Was it wrong? He really doesn't give a shit. As far as he's concerned he's protecting his brother from a woman who drowned him as a baby to the point where it took a few attempts to resuscitate him and ever since then his lungs haven't been optimal.

When Chris ran into Angelus and kidnapped and tortured him Jela made sure to be by Angelus's side however, while he was still asleep after surgery to repair his throat he had other agents track down Chris and give Jela his location. He went to get him and brought him back to a small bunker that Oracle had in the area where he kept him for nearly a month while Jelani took some time off to look after and take care of Angelus. When Angelus felt a bit better Jela asked him if he wanted payback for what he did and when he agreed he took Angelus to where Chris was held and he killed him and shred him to pieces. That wasn't the end of it.

Jelani made sure to dump the mangled remains at Chris's mother's house and when she found him she obviously freaked out (she was her favorite son and the one she protected the most). Jela waited till she found the body and warned her that he wasn't going to kill her because he needed her to give the rest of her sons a message. That if any one of them ever came close to Angelus again he'd kill 'em all and would dump the bodies at her doorstep and said he had some very specific plans for her because of what she did to Angelus all those years ago.

The only reason why he hasn't wiped out that entire family of abusers is because Angelus doesn't want that. The only reason why Chris was the exception was because he showed up again and out of all his abusers he was the worst and to be perfectly honest it was healing for Angelus.

Jelani isn't always about revenge, sometimes his main goal is to protect others and yes, even if he has to put himself in danger, sacrifice his own well being or even his own life. He's traded places with hostages, has nearly died countless times trying to protect someone else and has taken blame for things he didn't do and has often paid some heavy tolls for it.

On one occasion he shielded Angelus from slayers and ended up with severe injuries that led to massive blood loss and was on the verge of bleeding out, went into shock and fell into a coma. He flat lined several times. It took a long time to recover from that but he'd do it again if he had to.

When he and Loke were kidnapped (the attackers wanted to get back at Loke for killing one of their own) Jelani pretended he was Loke. They bought it and forced Loke to watch while they tortured Jela for days. No matter what was done to him he never once caved in and said he lied, he just took it so they wouldn't hurt Loke.

That's just some examples. Jela can be really selfless, very loving, empathetic and understanding and yes, very capable of mercy as well.

And it wasn't just Jela who taught Angelus how to cope with things. When the whole "Eldest One" fiasco took place Angelus was the one that made him see that while it might feel like the whole world was out for his head it wasn't true. He and Angelus share a lot of similarities in terms of identity. Angelus is often feared and/or hated for being a Crossedbreed. Sure, some werewolves feel like he's "the next step in werewolf development" but other werewolves feel like it's only a matter of time before he goes full rabid and starts senselessly killing others.

Many blame Jelani for what happened, even though it wasn't him that caused those events and is as much a victim as everyone else. Very few have come to see that but many blame him for Eldest One's actions simply because Eldest One passed the torch to him and kinda went "Yeah, here's this mess that I made and now you have to clean up and everyone will blame you for it and hate you and may even try to kill you because of it even though it's not your fault and I dumped this on you without your consent. Meanwhile I won't help you because I'm gonna vanish into the cosmos basically dying. Okay bye."

It took its toll on him and Angelus could easily identify with him in that front. He taught him that the only person who could dictate what he is or isn't was himself. That he could either sit there and let them kill him for something that wasn't his fault to begin with because he didn't ask for any of it or he could turn the tide in his favor and even though it felt shitty he could clean up the mess caused by someone else and prove he wasn't what they were making him out to be. Most importantly was that he had people who knew him and would go to the end of the known universe for and with him and that he wasn't alone. Those two are, like, tied together by their hearts and souls.

I think I lost the original point of this post but lol fuck it. That's what word vomiting gets you. I just wanted to talk about the three of them and a little of what makes them tick.

[thatboxylady]

i am beaming some expanded universe thruststorm thoughts into ur brain

YES EXCELLENT I got so many of those too hhhhHHH.

I'm thinking humanverse au atm.

• Human!universe continuity Jetstorm is a guy named Jeffrey Soucy, and Thrust is a guy named Thaddeus Barker. They're both from Canada, unfortunately.

• Jeffrey (from Quebec) is an only child with an absentee dad and weirdly uptight mother. He rushed into a marriage with his wife Blackarachnia Beatrice and was utterly goddamn miserable. He served her divorce papers twice, which she rejected, before finally bringing her to a coffee shop where he gave her the papers in a folder. Then he went to the mens' room, climbed out the very small window above one of the toilets, fell into a garbage bin in the alley, hopped half a dozen fences, got attacked by someone's dog, took the bus to the middle of nowhere, hiked in the woods with nothing but a small bag of belongings and a can of bear mace in the snow, took a train, hitched a ride on another bus after buying multiple tickets in cash to throw Beatrice off, and ended up in Vancouver to start over.

• Jeffrey is a recovering cocaine addict. He used exclusively during his marriage with Beatrice to cope, but he went cold turkey after moving to Vancouver and reinventing himself. He's never had a relapse. The one time he almost did, he asked Thaddeus to go to his place to make sure it was gotten rid of. Thaddeus scoured the apartment to be sure. Some people think it's weird he went that extra step, but they're friends, aren't they? Why not?

• Jeffrey is a type one diabetic which is EXTREMELY annoying because he was diagnosed at thirty-six. An absolute piss take, if you ask him. Thaddeus was the one who drove him to the ER.

• Thaddeus is trans and was born [REDACTED] McMahon. He named himself after his paternal grandfather who he used to shadow almost constantly. They used to work on his Harley before he passed away and the bike was sold.

• Thaddeus is the middle child of two siblings, Janice (older) and Monica (younger). His parents are Walker and Charlotte. Only Monica was accepting of him after he came out, and she's still the only one who he talks to after she reached out to reconnect with him one day.

• Thaddeus' motorcycle is a Suzuki GSX-R750, but he upgrades to a Suzuki Hayabusa post-beast machines adjacent timeline shenanigans wrap up. Jeffrey is the one who gets it for him. The GSX was ultimately destroyed by Cheetor Chester in a final showdown that he and Thaddeus had.

• Thaddeus has a prosthetic foot. He tells most people that he lost it in a biking accident, but in reality he shot himself through his boot on accident. Because he saw a spider. And was aiming for the spider. And missed. Waspinator energy prevails across space-time. Sometimes he gets phantom foot pain and Jeffrey goes out of his way to make sure he has decent painkillers for any particularly distressing episodes.

• Jeffrey is not a natural blonde (which he claims). He's a brunette. It's tragic. He also wears his hair long because Beatrice said he would look terrible with long hair, once. Thaddeus thinks it's pretty, though. Jeffrey values one of their opinions more than the other.

• Jeffrey has a biplane. He keeps it in reserve for potential emergencies, and if if the shit with Megatron Megan goes sideways, he plans and taking it and flying it to the states using a fake visa. After awhile, Thaddeus becomes part of the bug out plan.

• Nothing bad happens to them after the events of this timeline's beast machines saga ends, and they escape on Jeffrey's biplane and retire with several million dollars (stolen lol) in a small city off the Gulf of Mexico: Venice, Florida. They are very gay and very happy about it. Beatrice never finds them.

[starknature]

I'll update this post daily because I don't want to keep posting over and over 💀

Day 1: Stats

SW: 98lbs? I might have realized I had a problem a bit before that but I genuinely don't remember.

HW: 115lbs, I was 15/16 and Jesus given my proportions it was so bad.

Lw: 82.5

Current weight is 84

BMI: 14.9.

I want to at least get down to 80lbs but I'll take as low as I can get and still be able to maintain my job.

Day 2:

I'm 5'3", and no, I do not. Too short lol, causes intense dysphoria.

Day 3:

They're similar to my build, just thinner. They don't have the extra fat I do. I think these pictures are my favourite thinsp0

Day 4: my greatest fear is that I'll have to quit for my job, or that I'll be forced to recover if my family notices.

Day 5: I first wanted to lose weight because I have very round features, I have a round face, its all very feminine. I can't medically transition right now where I live, and I'm more angular and masculine looking when I'm thinner. Boobs are made of fat, the women in my family carry their weight around the middle and in the hips and I refuse to gain anymore, and I need to lose what I've got. I'm not a woman and it's throwing off my silhouette. It's gotten to the point where I now realize I'm fat regardless, and especially where I carry it is unacceptable and unnecessary.

Day 6: I don't think that my binging technically fits the criteria because at most I eat a couple to a few hundred calories over my limit, but I do feel in the moment like I can't stop, and it's still going over my limit so I count it as binging.

Day 7: I know my mom knows to some extent, but I don't have to worry about her doing anything about it because I don't live with her. Noone else really notices, fortunately, except for my brother that recognized it because of his own eating disorder.

Day 8: I have chronic pain so I don't exercise much outside of work, I'll go on long walks though when my joints let me out of the house💀 at work I'm running back and forth across a store and carrying heavy crap, and it's a mile away from the house so that helps with getting my steps in.

Day 9: my curves, chubby face and where I carry fat around my hips heavily contribute to my misgendering, although not the sole reason. Family members also used to make comments frequently.

Day 10: DR. PEPPER!!! THE DIET/0 SUGAR TASTES LIKE CRAP. Also my Autistic Comfort Food™️ dollar spicy ramen bowl. I'd eat one every day istg, half the time I'd omad it but literally a month before I relapsed hard, the guilt got to be too much LMFAO

Day 11: I don't necessarily have a favourite thinspo blog? But I do keep up with DecomposedMoon on twt.

Day 12: Sometimes 100cal oatmeal with flax seeds, I'll eat rice cakes with a little whipped strawberry cream cheese, those 70cal protein buffalo tuna salad packs, idk. I'm just getting into making shakes and I ordered vanilla protein powder so excited about that.

Day 13: I'm trying to mainly eat healthy foods but am definitely restricting more than is considered healthy, so an unhealthy way.

[monstersinthecosmos]

💔 for the fic ask. Because I know which fic(s) of yours broke my heart. :)

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

Oh gosh!!!!!!

tbh I really emotionally immerse myself when I'm writing so like it is not uncommon for me to hurt my own feelings when I'm really in it. 😂

A few off my head:

Where My Holiness Goes, this one is recent but I was thinking deeply about the idea of Daniel being trapped in this relationship with Armand and how that looked/felt for him in that transitional phase when like, he perhaps was not as afraid of him and they were starting to feel attached to each other, but for both of them it's still filled with so much resentment. I visualized this fic as Daniel experiencing a single nice day feeling recovered, only to crash and relapse. It represents a lot of things to me, aside from just the literal abuse nature of the ship but also like any time we try to recover from trauma, depression, whatever ails us, and that feeling of it slipping away but also the feeling of "I have to deal with this for the rest of my life", which can feel so fucking daunting sometimes. So just like the process of having him like wake up, order breakfast, stare outside at the beautiful day, really fucking upset me while I was writing it because I knew I had to take it from him. 😂 sorry bud.

Sfaíra Ti̱s Fo̱tiás, this is just excessive Armand whump LMAO but also like IDK WHY VC FANDOM DOESN'T WRITE MORE OMEGAVERSE, yall are missing out because I tell you it is FASCINATING to worldbuild and decide how the lore interacts with vampire stuff. 🍿🍿🍿 But wow like it's not even about writing the fic but like the process of thinking that hard about that part of TVA is so upsetting to me LMAO. I can only stomach so much of Armand's friends blowing into his face.

So Falls the World is like my fuckin love letter to Marius because he's my fav but like, trying to explore his flaws through Pandora's POV as a person who acknowledges that he is very fucking flawed but who loves him anyway and has to really do some soul searching to be able to have boundaries with him. Writing this fic got me really emotional because like, on one hand I poured a lot of myself into Pandora because I was processing some Abusive Relationship feelings and like having a conversation with myself about how it feels to feel stuck with a deeply flawed, abusive person. On the other hand, I really relate to Marius as a character and it's really cathartic to write about bad characters being redeemable or still worthy of love despite how badly they've fucked up. 🥹

quinque plus unum, I think about this concept more than I care to admit and there's something like very emotionally provocative to me to look at these characters' traumas and try to figure out which parts of their response to it are innate to them as people and which are simply a result of the various incidents. Like, would Daniel respond to the cult in the same way, and what needs to be different to land him there? Etc. But like I have a lot of questions about how Daniel wound up with Marius in canon and like imagining Armand as this like wandering, lost fledgling was just devastating to me hahaha.

The Lotus Eater I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS TO SOMEONE TODAY but I remember like kind of meandering with this story by the time I got to the end and I didn't know exaaaaactly how I wanted to end it but then I heard this song for the first time while I was writing the last scene and I threw that bad boy on repeat and it dictated the rest of the story to me and wow I was devastated. lmao.

ANYWAY THIS WAS A FUN QUESTION, THANKS, I LOVE BEING IN VAMPIRE PAIN!!

[whaticantsayonfacebook]

My childhood best friend is a recovering heroin addict. We grew up right across the street from each other. Our story and friendship is very complex.

I love her so much with every fiber of my being. In our teens she began experimenting with drugs and that took her away from me.

I was heartbroken and I didn't understand why I was losing the one person who was helping me do life. Helping me cope with being a traumatized kid with a shitty family system.

And she was gone and I couldn't reach her and I was so angry. I just wanted my friend back and I felt like she had abandoned me. Since our teens when we grew apart, I had gone on without her and it hurt and I thought about her every single day.

When I was about 23. We reconnected on Facebook and I told her that I was moving back home to our childhood street in a week or so and she told me that she was back too.

When I got back home we reconnected. We would go on walks at night with a pipe and weed, about our traumas and our pain. Sometimes she would come over to my parents house and we'd watch broad City and eat Chinese food.

At this time she had a boyfriend who was long distance in a jail. She was expecting them to be together when he got out. He ended up ghosting her and she lost her job at bertucci's and she relapsed.

She had to go to a detox program and then to a group home full of other women with addiction issues. It really hurt when she left and it reminded me of when we were teens when we drifted initially.

I had her number for years after she went to get help again and I'd text her occasionally but I was worried that she didn't like me anymore. I was also worried that if I got close to her she might abandon me again.

I know she isn't abandoning me on purpose and I know that addiction stems from the need to numb horrific pain caused by trauma. I feel for her because I know we both went through such horrible things. Way too many full-grown men prayed on both of us under the age of 10.

About two Christmases ago she happened to be back on her childhood street at the same time. Her and her boyfriend came over to my parents house for a bit to chat and it was so good to see her. From then I started making plans to hang out with her. I took the bus from South station in Boston to Pawtucket Rhode Island where she lived. And I felt that we started to become close again.

She and Will also come to my apartment to visit me. We dressed up as fairies and Will, an elf and took photos in the woods. It's weird to think it's been a year since the fairy photo shoot.

A couple months ago she became flakey with plans and told me she lost her job and some credit card person stole $3,000 from her. I knew that she had relapsed and I became an anxious wreck. I really felt her absence and was terrified she would overdose.

And I was going through some really big things. I discovered I'm in love with another friend and I told her but she didn't respond or acknowledge me at all.

On March 17th she told me "hi baby. I'm so sorry. I'm back. Went on a little bender. Small fuck up, no big deal. I’m better again" she also said that she wasn't responding while she was using because that wouldn't be fair to me.

She also responded to the message of me asking if she wanted to go to anime Boston with me that she hadn't responded to prior. And said she wants to go.

I made a group chat for our anime Boston group to organize the logistics. I got us a hotel and I was stupid and didn't get the insurance so I can't cancel it. She stopped responding to my logistics questions like "what time will you pick me up so we can go to the hotel I booked?" And we're supposed to be checking in tomorrow and still no word.

I am feeling really bad. Maybe used? Not exactly used... But like, I need her in my life and she's just not present in any capacity and I'm scared she could die.

And I really don't think the bender is over because she's avoiding me.

[oliviagoodhealth]

How Does Your Lifestyle Affect Your Mental Health?

How Your Lifestyle Affects Your Mental Health: 10 Lifestyle Factors That Can Affect Your Mental Wellbeing

10 Lifestyle Factors Affecting Mental Health

There are several factors that affect a person’s mental health, way of thinking, behavior and feeling. Certain lifestyle factors may directly affect brain chemistry and contribute to mental illness, including:

1. Unhealthy Eating Habits

Unhealthy eating habits such as insufficient intake or high intake both have negative effects on our physical and mental health.

Therefore, it is preferable to stay away from fatty and low-nutritional meals and go to a balanced diet, nutritious food, and focus on foods that stimulate brain activity, which can positively affect the mood.

Healthy eating lifestyle and quality of food affect human physical health and thus the psychological and mental health.

2. Lack of Physical Activity

Not getting enough physical activity or lack of exercise may affect our mental health and can cause psychological problems such as dementia and depression.

Exercise actively contributes to solving mental health problems and helps improve and adjust the mood and relieve depression, anxiety, and stress. as well.

Exercise or physical activity is not only important for physical health and weight loss, it is also highly important for mental health.

It is important for the individual to try to move as much as possible, such as going up the ladder instead of using the elevator and going out to practice walking from time to time instead of using the car.

Studies indicate that workout and exercising regularly helps improve brain function, protect memory as well as improve thinking skills.

3. Lack of Sleep

Poor sleep can have a negative effect on your mental health. Lack of sleep can dramatically change your mood and provoke relapse and mania.

Sleep deprivation causes irritation and anger and may reduce your ability to deal with stress and depression.

Getting enough sleep needed by the human body and organizing sleep times improves mental health and makes the body more able to recover from diseases and even makes the challenges of the day less effective.

4. Poor Physical Health

Poor physical health may lead to an increased risk of developing mental health problems. Physical injuries or symptoms can affect what you think, how you feel, and what you do.

Physical illness increases the risk of developing severe depressive episodes. Some physical health conditions such as infections, genetic disorders, congenital abnormalities, gluten sensitivity, brain injury, spinal cord injury, nerve injury can lead to specific types of neurological and psychological disorders.

Making healthy lifestyle changes can help you improve your physical health as well as your mental health at the same time.

5. Smoking

About half of the people who suffer from psychological problems are smokers. The health problems caused by smoking, such as problems of the heart, lungs, and colds, may lead to mood problems and changes in mental health, so stopping smoking is one of the best steps to improve mental health.

6. Exposure to Abuse

Exposure to abuse, whether psychological, physical or sexual, is one of the most important factors that motivate psychological problems to emerge.

Therefore, a safe and healthy family and social environment contributes effectively to achieving mental health.

7. Social Interaction

Social isolation has long been known as a key trigger for mental illness and can lead to feelings of loneliness, fear of others, or negative self-esteem.

Remember! Having a bad company may ruin one’s happiness and life. Having a good friendship shows that you can trust your friends so that they can support you, spend time with you, and be honest with you.

Spending time with people you care about and engaging in community and volunteer work that makes you feel important and influencing others, are the most important things that are recommended when talking about mental health.

Spending time with friends significantly improves mood and the love of others makes it easier to deal with the challenges of daily life.

8. Emotional Attachment

It’s natural to love and want your partner or things. Excessive emotional attachment is unhealthy when it begins to disrupt your life. In the case of relationships, an unhealthy emotional attachment can also disrupt your partner’s life.

Bad emotional relationships negatively affect mental health, and it is best to get rid of them and end them and stay with a partner that makes life look better and more beautiful.

A healthy emotional relationship can improve mental health and mood, and contribute to easing nervous features in the individual’s personality.

9. Work Environment

Work is good for mental health, but staying in a job you hate affects your mental health and can make your life miserable. A negative work environment can lead to physical and mental health problems.

Employees, both men and women, who report workplace stress, work pressures, bullying and lack of ability to make work-related decisions can be more at risk of developing depressive symptoms.

A positive work environment makes employees feel good and excited about coming to work and understanding their work roles and responsibilities and this provides the motivation to sustain them throughout the day. When employees are happy and excited, they invest all their energy to ensure the best results.

10. Meditation and Relaxation Techniques

Practicing the wrong meditation technique could be a harmful experience for you and can lead to waves of anger, fear, or jealousy that are sitting deep inside you, and this will make you feel uncomfortable.

Unhealthy relaxation techniques can result in poor concentration, uncontrollable thoughts, worrying, and difficulty in making decisions.

The continuous practice of different relaxation and meditation techniques actively contributes to increasing the ability to endure frustrating situations, deal, and control emotions, and manage anxiety experienced by the individual.

[brainrot-yumm]

tw: third year anniversary of ending one of the worst points in my life uwu so mental health issues SH talk Past thoughts of suicide talk

I'm very not used to people following this account man. Genuinely this is gonna be a very personal ramble I'll be having so be warned. I know since this is online it was always gonna be seen but I'm not used to it. Luckily this didn't happen while my account was peaking or else there'd be a lot more issues than needed.

So! Halloween was my 3 year anniversary of not killing myself, and today (or yesterday as of 4 hours ago) is my 3 year anniversary of going clean from self-harm. It's a bit ironic how I was actually contemplating hurting myself during these days, legitimately not as a relapse thing but because I have some chest acne that's been bothering me and turning them into scabs tends to make them go away faster. I don't count that as self-harm at all since it's not emotionally based on release but more as a weird side effect that I can now do thanks to my self-inflicted high pain tolerance. This anniversary is especially important to me because it's been six years since I planned to die. So now I've spent about as much time suicidal as I've spent recovering. Though it's more like 3 and a half years, so check back next June.

I know it's poor taste to say, but there are a few good things that came from all this mixed in the ocean of terribleness. I genuinely like my scars (how they feel, look, represent). I don't think they make me look better than before but I don't think they retract from my appearance at all. I get tattoos now instead of hurting myself to get the same meaning in a healthier way though. I also love having a high pain tolerance, it gives me more options on how to live my life and keeps me from hurting as much in general. And now that I'm hyper-obsessed with not becoming an abuser like my intrusive thoughts say I will inevitably be, I'm learning a lot about myself and how I function in order to work around and fight against impulses. Uh. And that's all the good things. And I could go on for hours about everything else and the rest is all bad.

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. It's honestly strange. I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my childhood again, because everything's normal now. Middle school and puberty has been associated with being traumatized to me, so now that everything is normal and nobody is hurting me (and it's so fucked up how that tremendously traumatic experience is really just a 7-year event that could have happened to anyone, that I can just stumble upon trauma and will inevitably stumble into pain like that again against my will it's so fucked), it feels like I'm a kid again. A very, very, very, very busy kid. A kid who needs naptime and eats too much candy for Halloween and can still kind of summersault and somehow still has too many expectations for the world. I'm hoping maybe I can reclaim some of the hope I used to have. Normalcy feels nostalgic to me I guess.

But yeah, I'm doing better. I'm always tired, I cry pretty much daily, I have the emotional maturity/understanding of a 12-year-old, and despite having been in the semester for like 11 weeks I still haven't scheduled an appointment with the counseling center, but I got diagnosed with ADHD, I'm having more fun with my fashion than ever, I fully understand and accept myself as trans despite being so cis-passing, and apparently I see myself as worthy enough to ask my splat out. I wasn't able to ask her out on Halloween, mostly cuz I knew she was too busy and didn't wanna burden her further. However we eat lunch together now and if I can get my rizz together I might ask her for dinner. I was not able to see myself as worthy enough for another relationship last year.

I'm happy to be alive. I've always been happy to be alive. It's just that I spent so long not living that I stopped thinking there was a point. And now I'm alive again. It's nice.

[chadxroyalx]

Pride Rose

Hey guys! I tried to follow the tutorial of AustinMaples https://www.deviantart.com/austinmaples to draw a simple Rose https://www.deviantart.com/Tutorial-Draw-a-Rose-with-AustinMaples-905646163 . So here is my try and since it’s pride month, a “pride rose” here for you guys. Flags seen: Gay Trans Nonbinary Demisexual But there’s something else I need to get off my chest. You can just skip this part if you don’t like to read and/or if you’re not interested. I haven’t been feeling/doing so well lately. Life has thrown so many shitty things at me that it has become very hard to deal with. I can’t even draw properly anymore (I have been stuck on page 43 of the comic for almost a week now). For one is the issue with one of my sisters. As some of you may know I am the youngest of three. I have two older sisters. And my second-oldest sister has always been a uh… troubled child. Long story short she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia about 10 years ago and has been in and out of psychosis and mental hospitals over the decade. Now she had another heavy relapse in February this year and was in a mental hospital for 99 days until she begged the hospital enough to leave. And since she’s out life for me and my family has been nothing short of a nightmare almost every day. She hasn’t recovered from the psychosis she had in February and since she’s out of the hospital we (untrained people) had to deal with that. Now my relationship to my second-oldest sister (or let’s call her “fullblood” sister since my oldest sister is my half-sister) has never been very good. But now… I really hate to admit it, but I feel nothing for her. Well… at least nothing positive. When she’s in a psychosis she’s always afraid of me (none of us have figured out why) and blames me for everything she does and experiences. I hate it when she’s here all the time and it’s so frustrating and emotionally exhausting to have to deal with her. My mother and her are the only ones who don’t want to re-admit her to a mental hospital. No one understands their reasons… Yeah… that’s one part, maybe some of you guys have similar issues with relatives? Then the second issue has reached its worst peak this Wednesday. Now just as a side information: our family owns two horses and here in Switzerland it’s normal to have your horses in a “livery stable” (if that’s a word) so the stable doesn’t belong to us, our horses just “live there for a rent”. Now back in 2020 we switched to a new stable and guys… I have met many, many, MANY horrible human beings in my life so far but the owners of THIS stable are by FAR the worst. Back in April 2020 it didn’t take long for these two awful human beings to make life for us and our horses a living nightmare. Insulting both of our horses constantly because THEY were unable to handle them properly (our horses are the nicest and sweetest souls to anyone who returns their kindness so if they do not behave when you’re handling them, YOU’RE the problem). Anyhow… about two months in and they already threatened us to kick us out, because apparently, we were doing everything wrong (even though we followed every stupid rule they have and behaved accordingly). So… three awful years passed. We never complained, just did our thing, and try to stay away from the owner and his wife (but always getting insulted and all that stuff)(I try to keep this as short as possible). Now our gelding (Royal, 26 years old) always had bad teeth. So he can’t properly eat the hay anymore which is one main food source stable-owners have to provide according to the law. The stable-owner retired back in fall and gave the ownership to his son (but of course that awful couple remained, still living at the stables and helping out). We thought “okay, maybe his son is not as bad as him”. Well… turns out he’s just as awful as his father. My mother had a phone call about three weeks ago with him regarding Royal not being able to eat hay properly anymore and needing an alternative. We’ve been feeding him that alternative from our own pockets (mind we have issues with money as well as many people do) so far and just wanted to reason with the new owner if he could maybe provide that food for our horse or at least feed him the alternative. But all he did during the phone call was repeat what his idiot of a father was shouting in the background and insulting my mother and our horses again. Fast forward three weeks my father stepped in and arranged a meeting with the new owner (and the old as well but he didn’t show up) to talk about this issue. So my mother, my father and myself went there at Wednesday evening and the FIRST thing this asshole said is that he’s kicking us out and we need to be gone from the stables by end of the month. Reason for this is (according to him) that my mother threatened him during the phone call, saying that she said she’d go around and tell everyone that he mistreats and starves the horses. Of course, my mother denied this as it wasn’t true (two other people were in the same room listening while she was talking on the phone that they so they can confirm it). But the new owner just said “that’s what I heard and I even recorded it and you need to stop calling me late at night”. My father quickly stepped in and said “Okay well then show us that recording. And show us when she called you because she never called you late at night”. You know what the owners answer was? “I can’t show you, you can’t trace phone calls that far back (so basically three weeks). à Which is complete bullshit. You can trace EVERY phone call on your smart phone back up to three years easily. Oh and he also accused me of never greeting him or his idiotic family when at the stables (which probably may have happened 1 time when I had a bad day or wasn’t talking loud enough)… Oh dear… This has gotten long and it’s still the short version of the whole situation… I’m sorry you guys. I usually don’t vent online but I really, really needed to get this off my chest. I just can’t handle the frustration, sadness and anger any longer from all the injustice we had to live through the last few days… I’m also sorry if it’s written in a confusing way… my thoughts and heart are racing all day and night long… ☹ I hope you still like the pic and hopefully have some better days… Of course, if you like, leave some advice… Love Chad

https://www.deviantart.com/xchadxroyal/art/Pride-Rose-966539175

[badbitchrecovery]

What's up bad bitches!

Today I wanted to go over more ingredients for recovery, In learning how to Identify TRIGGERS.

Triggers can come In various forms and It Is Important to be able to identify which form cause these cravings. Triggers could be people, objects, feelings, and could also be sensory, like a smell that triggers you. Your brain associates the triggers with substance use. One trigger can cause you to gravitate toward relapse. When a trigger arrives the thought comes second, the craving comes third, and lastly we are out using and back into the mess we were so desperately trying to recover from.

When triggers happen many seem to think they have the losing end of the argument. This Is when you need to fight! You must come up with many reasons to stay abstinent. Your mind Is looking for any possible excuse to use again. You are looking for relapse justification.

The only way to be certain that a thought won't lead to a relapse is to stop the thought BEFORE it leads to a craving (Easier said then done right? I totally feel you on that). Putting a stop to the thought when It first begins prevents it from building into an uncontrollable craving. It Is crucial to do it as soon as you realize you are thinking about using. Try to deter your mind, take a shower, exercise, meditate, journal, whatever helps to stop the thought from progressing to craving.

Many don't realize you relapse mentally before you do physically. Recovery is more than not using drugs and alcohol. The next step is not starting again. Often you'll notice behaviors and patterns return before the substance use, so learning to recognize the beginning of a relapse can help people in recovery stop the process before they start using again.

Addiction

↓

Treatment

↓

Recovery

↓

Addictive Behavior

Addictive Thinking

Emotional Buildup

↓

This can go one of two ways:

Relapse Prevention

↓

2. Continued Recovery

OR

No Relapse Prevention

↓

2. Relapse

Addictive behaviors are things that addicted people do to obtain drugs or alcohol, cover up substance abuse, or as part of abusing. Stealing, lying, being unreliable, and acting compulsively are some types of addictive behaviors. When the behaviors reappear, people In recovery should Identify the trigger and should be alerted that relapse will soon follow If they do not intervene.

Addictive thinking means having thoughts that make substance use seem okay. Some examples would be telling yourself you can handle one drink, or even rewarding yourself after a hard days of work, you need a break. THATS ADDICTIVE THINKING.

What Is emotional buildup? Some feelings simply just don't go away and seem very unbearable. Some feelings that can build up are boredom, anxiety, loneliness, sexual frustration, irritability, and depression. As a addict It Is important to take action as soon as you recognize the danger signs.

Take the time to list actions that might help you prevent relapse and stick to it! With substance abuse it is very important to keep yourself busy. Scheduling your time every single day will help you achieve and maintain abstinence. Your schedule Is your structure and support as you continue functioning In the world. When you jot down your schedule you will be doing what you think you should be doing instead of what you feel like doing. Follow your schedule and try not to make any changes. If you can schedule a 24 hour period and follow it, you are on your way to gaining control of your life. If you can't, you may need to seek a higher level of care as a start.

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

if one more fucking person talks to me about weight loss and/or how being fat is unhealthy im gonna lose my fucking mind

[blzzrdstryr]

Yanderes caring for a sick darling hcs - Mondstadt girls edition

Starring: Amber, Eula, Jean, Lisa, Rosaria

[Mondstadt boys edition]

[Liyue boys edition]

Amber

Despite the fact that she can be rather forgetful and disorganized at times, Amber will consider caring for you as a highest sort of reward and responsibility at the same time.

It’s thrilling to have you all weak and dependent on her, Amber’s darker side swells and blossoms at this sight - outrider will never admit it though, preferring to think of herself as a simple girl who fell head over heels, not some freak who derives pleasure from the control over one vulnerable person.

Moreover, she is a generally kind person finding helping others generally rewarding and satisfying, so tending is also a kind of duty, feeling responsible for your health and well-being. It just doesn’t sit right with her to keep you ill, even if it gives her an upper hand.

The outrider will be very eager to help you recover and get better, even if it means parting away from you. The doctor might prescribe some special herbs that grow only in Liyue or say Dragonspine, and Amber will take it with all seriousness, starting to pack all of the needed equipment the same day.

She will depart for her destination, unafraid of both harsh, boreal winds or the beasts of other land, her determination burning as bright and hot as her pyro-infused arrows.

When she returns, the travelling bag full of the needed herbs and plants, she will lunge at you caging you in a tight hug and peppering your face and neck with kisses, uncaring that she might get sick too - Amber missed you that much.

Then, she will turn into your personal caretaker - always attentive and sometimes stern, she will guide you on the path to recovery, insisting that you need to do everything to get better.

Amber will also be an especially good listener - being sick sucks, she knows it, she also knows that you have a lot of grievances given your situation and if providing a careful ear to all your complaints will ease even an inch of your suffering she will gladly do it.

Eula

The offspring of a widely hated, but also incredibly wealthy clan, Eula has always received all the medical help she needed as a child, be it a thin, shallow scratch and a couple of angry bruises after the sword training session or the seasonal cold she accidentally caught.

On the other hand, she never received any emotional support during those times - recovery is a hard process, both mentally and physically, and spending her days completely lonely and sick left a lasting impression on Eula. Lawrences shrugged off her complaints and pleas for some compassion, an understanding, gentle care - she is of noble blood, she needs to be above some bodily discomfort - no matter if she’s an ill, feverish eight year old in need of some comfort.

Subsequently, she knows how to treat most of the ailments, yet she is bad at providing emotional support. Deprived of love and care her whole life, Eula is clumsy and awkward at providing it for you - you need some direct words of reassurance, something that isn’t hidden by her usual vengeance-obsessed facade.

Eula will spend a considerable amount of mora on your medicine, it’s so big that her Spindrift captain salary might not fully cover - she doesn’t care as your health is her top priority.

Instead of words, she will show her support and care in deeds, cooking some light but savoury and fulfilling soups, as not to disturb your stomach and offering massage and her services.

Eula won’t let you do anything taxing during this time, taking the full brunt of your tasks and jokingly “threaten” you with a vengeance she will have if you dare to disobey her and do something hard.

All in all, she is a very awkward yet dedicated caretaker, becoming extra overprotective during your sickness.

Jean

Jean, to her dismay, can’t afford to spend much time with you with all of Mondstadt relying on her. Your dates are rare and short, yet she awaits them with a mix of excitement and anticipation, pushing herself further and further to complete more work, so nothing can possibly distract you two from your shared time.

She will get very upset once she sees you all red-eyed and coughing, immediately blaming herself for your declining health.

Prepare to be confined to your room and endlessly coddled, as Jean becomes a watchful, overprotective and stern shadow at your side.

She won’t stop working of course, preferring to take some documents with herself as she watches over you and your activities.

It will actually lead to her overworking again. You will have to beg her to take a break, both from caring for you and the Favonius business.

She will cave in, of course, assigning some of her duties to Kaeya and Lisa and asking Barbara to visit and check up on you, before taking a well-deserved day-off.

However, the anxiety of something going wrong will appear in Jean’s head on the first day, on the second one it will become so loud and haunting that she will break her promise to rest and come back both to you and unfinished papers, feeling ten times guiltier now.

Will oversee your recovery, while working. She will be so stressed out that she might catch sickness from you.

Now you will have to tend to her, a sudden turn that hard working yet incapable to work at the moment Jean will find a sudden pleasure in.

Lisa

Lisa is the best graduate of Sumeru academy for the last two centuries, so it’s no wonder that she quickly notices and identifies your sickness.

Despite the initial urge to heal you up, she will stumble, deciding to fully use this opportunity to her advantage.

The Librarian's mind contains multiple recipes of potions that can easily cure most of the illnesses, yours included, it also has a lot of knowledge of weak poisons - substances that don’t kill, but can worsen one’s ailments.

You won’t know better, accepting the potion that is said to quickly fix you up. The substance brings a quick relief - both sneezing and fear disappear, as your cough lightens.

It quickly changes however, as after three or for days of quick and obvious improvements, symptoms crush you with a renewed force. You don’t know the reason for it, yet you never blame Lisa or her potion.

Lisa will teasingly chide you for overworking yourself into the relapse, as she slips a tiniest bit of the poison into your treatment, so you stay weak and needy and so deliciously dependent on her.

This game however will soon bore Lisa - having you vulnerable around you is cute and good, yet caring for you takes both time and effort and Lisa likes you more when you’re more independent.

You will never learn why you had such an awful sickness, but you will be grateful to the witch, thanking her for all the medicine she provided you with.

Rosaria

During her time with bandits, Rosaria has never received proper care - everytime she got sick others would just laugh at her and force her to work, deaf and blind to her distress and suffering.

This habit, an attitude that was forced by others onto her, is still present to this day - the extravagant nun is less than interested in her own health, preferring to ignore the signs of the sickness - she can work with that, she always did.

Seeing you on the other hand all sick and weak emerges something in her - it just doesn’t sit right with her.

Rosaria knows that you won’t die - she had it worse and she’s fine, but the nagging feeling doesn’t disappear. A low level anxiety for your health will be a great nuisance in her eyes, as she continuously loses her sleep over several nights.

It all will end with the nun begrudgingly starting to care for you. Rosaria always thought that doing anything for others is bothersome and tiring, yet now cooking a light chicken soup and checking your temperature she can’t help but feel like something missing returns to her. Maybe she was meant to look after you.

She will never admit it though, unused to having anyone of importance in her life, so you will be stuck with an intimidating nun wordlessly spoon feeding you soups and medicine.

One of the nun’s duties is to tend to the sick, and so disciples are trained in basic medicine. Rosaria thinks about attending at least those lessons.

[johnemulaney]

John Mulaney: From Scratch in Las Vegas, September 4

Once again, spoilers for the show and what will presumably be in the special. This is about his relapse so tread with caution is that will be an issue for you. However, the tone of his struggle is the same one he used in his past specials so if you didn’t have any issues then, I think you’d be ok with this. Of course, use your own best judgement, friends.

The opener was Seaton Smith. 

He opened with trying to find the rich people in the crowd but acknowledged that they’d go mwrmwmwrw money isn’t everything so then he started talking about golf and went aha I got ya’ll. 

There was a joke about weed being the only Christian drug

He had a bit about when white people are nice, be nervous

He had a bit about there being a black man on the Bachelor and was like America (ABC and Disney+) were not ready for a black man to be fucking a house full of 50 white women. That shit premiered on Tuesday and the Capitol burned on Wednesday.

He also did some crowd work and roasted a couple in the front row for having different answers about kids and she was like I didn’t hear the question and was roasted about how not hearing questions you don’t want to answer is certainly a tactic, often used by drug dealers

He also had a bit about how different child rearing is in Texas versus New York and about how hitting your kids is treated differently, like his dad would have just threatened it whimsically. 

Now on to the Main Event!

The first thing he said was “hiiiiiiiiii” exactly in the tone you think he said it in. he followed that up with a little shrug looking adorable and a little bashful

“It’s him! Mr. Problems. Oh Las Vegas, Oh my god” he then talks about how Vegas is a land of vice and a Choice for him to preform in as a recovering addict. He had a sober buddy and 3 bodyguards with him at all times. 

“And here’s what happened” December 18, 2020, he gets invited to a friends apartment for dinner AND HE’S TWO HOURS LATE because he stopped, coked out of his mind, at SNL for a haircut because he still had his building access badge and he went to the hair department and they were like, he’ll leave faster if we just do this, and then he stopped at his drug dealers. 

He called venmo and cashapp, apps for drug deals and was like what do normal people even use them for. He maxed both out paying for drugs. 

He was the best looking person at his intervention. “Coke skinny, new cut” and the 12 people intervening looked like shit. He looked “tears for fears while they all looked jerry garcia” (I hope you know who those musicians are besties). 

He immediately yelled “Can I go to the bathroom” to you know, dump his drugs because when you walk into that, you know what it is. 

He was not allowed to go (he would be asked if he still needed to pee later and would say “what?”

There were 6 people in NYC and 6 people over zoom in LA because he guesses 6 people couldn’t be bothered to fly in for HIS INTERVENTION

Interventions can go two ways, it can be kind of accusatory and this is how you let us all down, or it can be supportive. Everyone but Nick Kroll got the memo to be supportive.

Nick Kroll went first.

Nick Kroll listed all the ways John was a bad best friend and brother over zoom and John was getting texts during the intervention saying Nick wasn’t supposed to do that and they were all sorry. 

Bill Hader went next. he originally wasn’t going to be able to make it so he had recorded a thing but since he was there, he did it live. (He would eventually send the video to John in rehab, which is not what you want on the way to rehab “awesome, more intervention”)

He tried to derail the intervention, “there’s not enough latinx representation” he said he’d go to any rehab except the one they had picked out for him. This was a star-studded affair and he was mad no one was being funny. 

 Natasha Lyons went next, telling him his life and career is in shambles

So he gets carted off to rehab after this intervention. Don’t let 12 comedians pack your bags for 2 months at rehab. it was bombas socks and iphone chargers. 

A little secret about rehab, you’re not allowed to bring drugs in. You remember how he was late? In his pocket on the way to rehab included: a huge amount of pills, 3g of coke (which was 2g by the time he got there, courtesy of a koala station in a gas station bathroom), and $2000 in cash. He had other plans for the weekend. He was admitted for xanax, coke, perocet, and adderall addiction. Say what you will, but he does not do anything half way.

It’s 4am when he’s sent to detox, he’s been awake for 3 days. 

He also gives a small lesson on how to get drugs. Find the lowest rated doctors on yelp and webmd reviews and go ask for them, they need all the business they can get. You become like Captain Phillips, I am the doctor now. 

Dr. Michael was his shady doctor. He was a first avenue apartment where he would write prescriptions from his kitchenette where his girl Minerva was always asleep. “I didn’t kill my wife Minerva.” But John would ask for his drugs, Dr. Michael would write the script and then ask what he needed it for. Dr. Michael would also make John take his shirt off, always offering a flu shot and going no, shirt all the way off (in case you were wondering how bad this addiction actually was)

The first moral is now you know. The second moral is get vaccinated.

He’s sent to the regular ward the next afternoon and they finally get him to sleep. 

He’s sketched out that doctors have last names at this establishment

He asks for drugs such as klonopin and is taken aback a bit when he doesn’t get them. The doctor is like PA state law says no, and so John suggests they go to a CVS in Jersey to get some. 

His bestie Pete Davidson starts calling that night. Except Pete changes his number every month and a half so John has him send a selfie and saves the new number under some other random name, at this point in time, Pete is saved as Al Pacino. (We get an Al Pacino impression) John is asleep and his nurse sees Al Pacino trying to call him 5 times and so she wakes him up. 

Pete Davidson and John Mulaney did not do drugs together. (The author is lowkey surprised and sad about that, like if Pete was my bestie, we’d make so many poor choices) But Pete was always very supportive of his sobriety. 

John needs recognition so badly, in group when they introduced themselves he said “I’m John M.” and no one cared. So he left a tabloid out with the news of his admittance and his face on it in the rec room on the table. The not being someone was “driving him bananas.” When they talked about what they do for a living and he said I’m a a stand up comedian, someone asked if he made a living that way. He said “yeah ask your daughter” (or your son)

One of the things you do at rehab is break up with your drug dealer.

One of his drug dealers only bought drugs to keep John from buying worse off the streets and only got into the game because John kept asking him for drugs and was his only buyer. That guy was originally a painter and John has no idea how they met. John is the only person to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. 

Here he did the Baby J is back baby joke. the Park Theater is one of the biggest stages in the world so he did that joke in one pace across the stage and said the stage is that joke long. 

“I am no longer on drugs. It’s very good but also ah---” He’s in a 12 step anonymous group. 

“I need attention, clearly.” After a show you think he would be sated, but no. 

He wants that attention that the kid who’s grandparent died and showed up to school dressed for the funeral and got to sit in the beanbag chair for reading despite it not being his turn, gets. He went on about being willing to let one of the lesser important grandparents die so he could get attention, for quite a while. 

He feels left behind in science, like his C’s and D’s in those classes. All those classes were was putting things on a windowsill for the janitor to throw away. He had a bit about how the fuck people put dinosaurs back together, it’s like getting wayfair furniture without the instructions. 

He also things the moon belongs to America. Like we got there first and when other countries say stuff about the moon he’s like mmmmmmm.

He also had a joke about paying to get into college and like, for white people that’s always how it’s been. 

The show ended with him going over the highlights of that GQ interview that he was so coked out for that he forgot he did it entirely. He has no memory of it at all. He was just called up that day and asked for an interview and you know how coke is the best drug to receive attention on? He just did whatever he wanted with that attention. 

And that was the show.