#the same energy went into making these pies

[savage-rhi]

📣📣✨️BUTTERSCOTCH PIE TIME!!✨️📣📣

[oneshotnewbie]

Emily Prentiss x child!reader where reader is sick or feeling down and Emily takes care of her? 🥰

ᕚ---ᕘ

Emily Prentiss sat in a meeting room at the FBI headquarters, surrounded by her team. The tense air threatened to suffocate them as they discussed the latest information about the case at the table. A serial killer was terrorizing the city and the team was working hard to hunt him down.

The analysis of evidence, witness statements and tiny digital traces were in full swing. Everyone in the room was concentrated and focused when suddenly Emily's phone rang in her jacket pocket. Her hand instinctively went to the device, her mind still lingering on the details of the case.

"Please excuse me for a moment," she said, pressing the green button, already guessing from the number that this call would turn her day upside down as she stepped out of the room. "Agent Prentiss," she spoke up, her voice sounding calm and professional.

"Mrs. Prentiss, this is Mrs. Johnson from kindergarden," came the concerned voice on the other end of the line and Emily bit her lip as she placed her free hand on her hip. “I’m sorry to interrupt you in the middle of work, but it’s about y/n.”

A pang of concern shot through Emily. You were her light, her pride - her daughter. She forced herself to remain calm, but her heart continued to race hard against her chest. "What happened? Is she hurt?"

"No, nothing bad has happened to her. However, she has a high fever and is complaining of stomach pain. We think it would be better if you picked her up and brought her home," your kindergarden teacher explained to her and the black-haired woman took a deep breath as she relaxed, thoughts racing in her head.

She could hear the concern in your kindergarden teacher's voice and knew she had to act immediately. But at the same time, the unsolved case was intruding on her priorities. "I'll be there right away," she assured, then hung up.

Her gaze lifted to her team, who were looking at her expectantly and when she came back into the room, they were just about to begin presenting her with the latest theories they had considered during her conversation. But Emily immediately stopped Penelope with a wave of her hand. "I have to go. Y/n got sick," she explained shortly, pulling her jacket from the chair.

"Would you like one of us to accompany you and help you with her?" Rossi offered, but Emily shook her head. "No, I can handle it. This isn't the first rodeo of illness. Please keep me updated on the status of things," she asked, hurrying out of the room.

Her heart pounded loudly in her head as she rushed through the endless hallways of FBI headquarters. Her thoughts were swirling - worried about you, but also worried about the case that she couldn't just leave behind.

When she finally got outside, she got into her car and drove to the nearby kindergarden, lights dimmed while driving carefully. Her mind worked feverishly to come up with a way to balance these two important aspects of her life over the next few days.

As she hurried out of the car and headed to the kindergarden entrance, her heart was still beating fast with worry for her little daughter, and she couldn't wait to wrap her arms around you.

When she entered the comfortably warm house, her eyes immediately fell on you, lying at a table in your group with your head resting on your arms, surrounded by the other children who were happily playing. Emily felt a pang in her chest when she noticed your red cheeks and lack of energy. She quickly walked over to you and knelt down in front of you.

“Y/n, love, what’s wrong?” She asked softly, placing a hand on your forehead to feel the fever as you lifted your head up briefly. You smiled weakly and opened your arms for her to hug you. "My stomach hurts and I'm tired."

The black-haired woman sighed softly as she looked at you lovingly and pulled you into her arms. "We're going home now, okay? Then we'll work together to make you feel better."

You nodded and let your mother pick you up as she turned to your kindergarden teacher to say goodbye and thank her for the call. You rested your head on her shoulder, your arms wrapped tightly around her neck while your legs hung weakly against her. She quickly took your rain jacket and backpack from the wardrobe, which was decorated with your name, before leading you to the car.

On the way home, Emily tried to cheer you up by telling you stories and reassuring you that everything would be okay. But inside her, the worry was gnawing at her - your fever was very high and she needed to get it down as quickly as possible.

When you both finally got home, Emily put you to bed and tucked you in lovingly after giving you the first helping of fever juice. She promised to stay by your side until you felt better, gently stroking your warm abdomen to ease the pain.

While you slept, she used the quiet time to ask the team for new information, make you soup and tidy up the apartment. She tried to organize her thoughts and come up with a plan to balance both her role as a mother and her work as an FBI agent. It wouldn't be easy in the next few days, but she was determined to get through both. For you and for those she needed to protect.

She checked your sleeping state and fever several times an hour without waking you up. She kept the lights on in the room dimmed, and the silence in your otherwise noisy room enveloped her like a comforting blanket. The day had turned into an unexpected turning point, and Emily was grateful that she was now here to care for you.

You had recovered somewhat in the last few hours, but the fever was still high. Emily was no longer worried about the work she had left behind - right now the priority was solely on you. She remembered being sick as a little girl and her father lovingly caring for her. Now it was her turn to give the same care and love to her own daughter that her father had once given her.

As you slowly woke up, Emily smiled lovingly at you, relaxing from the mountain of untidy toys before turning to your bed and stroking your cheeks. "Hey, sweetie. How are you feeling?" she asked and you yawned and rubbed your eyes tiredly before sleepily stretching your arms out to her. "My stomach doesn't hurt anymore but I'm still tired."

Emily nodded understandingly and handed you a glass of water and some easily digestible and lukewarm soup. She stayed by your side, read you stories, played little bedside games with you and comforted you when you had another headache.

The day passed slowly, but she enjoyed every moment of being close to you. She felt grateful for the precious time you spent together and for the opportunity to give you comfort when you needed it most.

As evening fell and you were visited by Aunt Penelope and JJ, Emily allowed herself a moment of peace. Her heart was filled with warmth and contentment as she heard your gentle laughter mixed with the laughter of her best friends, even though this day had brought unexpected challenges. She was grateful to be there for you. As a mother who loved nothing more than caring for her little daughter.

[justaweasel]

Headcanons but I recently just watched My Little Pony

Mephistopheles a THOUSAND percent watches this show. His brother was like "hey! Look! It's the horses from the stables", and Mephisto has been hooked ever since. It's his secret shame.

Star Swirl and Twilight are like Solomon and MC. Like old mentor guy, is powerful, and thinks the power of friendship is Bs. And then young apprentice, who's going to surpass mentor sooner or later.

Not related to obey me at ALL but I had to get it out there, during the time Celestia had banished Luna, when he rose/set the moon, she always "talked" to Luna. Saying stuff like, "See you tonight" or "You make the prettiest moonrises, sister."

Back on Obey Me, if Diavolo ever met Princess Celestia, they'd be so chill, just talking about their kingdoms and the different ways they govern. Also about crippling loneliness and how it's hard to be a ruler and the sacrifices that come with it. Both of them are so excitable and on an off day, they would take each other ziplining and the barrel waterfall thing. (Barbatos and Luna cringe at this behavior, for different reasons, as they get excited over mailing letters)

Asmo and Rarity would get along so well. Both of them being generous and, even though a bit dramatic, still meaning well. Both of them having that energy of, "if you don't shine on the inside, then you can't shine on the outside, darling!"

Twilight and MC would bond over being tossed into a new stage in their life so well. Like, "She just kind of.. made me an alicorn.. I didn't even know what happened" "Same! But I was tossed into a world of demons and after a bit realized I was possibly one of the most powerful people in the three realms so.." (*Looks over at Celestia and Diavolo*)

Mammon and Rainbow Dash would hold races to see who's faster (Though, mammon is upset he can't sonic rain boom)

Beel and AppleJack would totally get along, they're both strong and dedicate themselves to family. If Beel ever went applebucking, he'd do his best to not eat all the apples. AppleJack gets a little upset about it but doesn't hold it against him too much.

The angels and Fluttershy would all go to her cottage and have a nice conversation. She'd show them her animal sanctuary and Luke would go nuts. Simeon would also be interested in her ability to talk to animals. Raphael would just be happy about the silence at the cottage.

Satan, Solomon and Twilight are all nerds. Starlight showed Solomon the speed spell she used to organize her books and Solomon has been trying to learn. Twilight and Satan prefer to organize their books the non magic way though (That's why Satan's room is a mess), it's more personal to them.

Luke and Pinkie having a bake off with Raindow Dash and Mammon being the judges. (Poor Luke made a pie and learned the hard way RD doesn't like pies, poor baby)

[johnconstantinesdick]

A series of AAI2 headcanons

(biased towards Sebastian and using the unofficial translation names bc I am not emotionally adjusted to the new ones)

Kay bounces around between jobs for a while—she works under Lang at interpol for some time, and then spends a few years as a detective, and eventually settles into working as a PI. It gives her the free time to pursue her own investigations, and she can work with either the Prosecution or the Defense as she pleases. She does the full Yatagarasu intro every time she’s called in to testify. She adds special effects each time. No one knows how.

Kay also gets fuckoff tall. Just like. Fully over 6ft, and extremely buff to boot. Her vibes are very Gender and I can see her going on testosterone at some point, so maybe she has some scruff. Really emulating Badd.

Sebastian also gets tall. No concrete height but he must get taller than Edgeworth and Edgeworth must have a crisis about it. Full beanpole though, no muscle.

BIG fan of long hair Sebastian. Tied in an elegant little ponytail. He flicks it when he’s smug about making a point. It makes people want to punch him.

Relatedly, everyone on Team Edgeworth is a smug asshole. This is just canon. Edgeworth? Bitch energy off the charts. Franziska? She can and will mock you to your face. Small children hate her. Lang? Fantastic dude but you could NOT get through a conversation without wanting to deck him. Kay? Absolutely insufferable and she’s going to make it everyone’s problem. Sebastian? You may want to make him kind and soft because his dad sucks and he DOES care about doing the right thing and he cries a lot. However once he gets his confidence back he’s going to go back to being an arrogant bitch, except he’ll be right more often. Which is Worse. Ray is the closest to being straight up Nice. But at what cost.

Cape Sebastian. I rest my case.

Sebastian wears blue as his accent color for a long time, and actively avoids wearing red. It’s not until Edgeworth gives him a red cape that matches his suit that Sebastian puts red on again and feels like he earned it. It’s an emotional moment. Sebastian sobs through their entire shared lunch break.

Lang, Franziska, and Kay worked together really well in interpol, and went on some highly classified missions. They may or may not have smuggled political refugees out of Khura’in. Whenever anyone asks if they’ve been there, they give the exact same smile and copy-pasted response about it being a beautiful country and no of course they’ve never been! The Wright Anything lie detectors all blare alarms. Edgeworth doesn’t let them near Prosecutor Sahdmadhi when he’s in the country.

I actually think Franziska slowly leans more and more into her investigative duties for Interpol. Will she one day realize she’s more of a detective than a prosecutor? Who knows, but she fucking loves chasing down criminals. She and Lang are best friends. They will one day make friendship bracelets and cherish them for the rest of time.

Kay and Sebastian get platonic married. Kay arranged it for a case. Sebastian thought they were making a blood pact. They never get it annulled. (aro Kay and demi Sebastian ftw)

They are also SO gender and goofy with it. Kay is Sebastian’s husband. Sebastian is Kay’s wife. If Sebastian ever dates anyone (Blackquill/Sebastian my beloved rarepair), Kay is going to call them her wife’s mistress for the rest of time.

Sebastian and Edgeworth never have a formal conversation about it, but they consider each other family. They refer to each other as father/son only when the other isn’t present. Sebastian is in his will.

Sebastian and Courtney DO have a formal conversation about the same topic. There’s a lot of crying. John exclusively refers to Sebastian as his “weird brother”

Edgeworth and Courtney have a custody agreement. They meet weekly for lunches. They deny they’re friends but they ARE coparenting. Divorce rumors abound.

Conflicts of interest don’t exist in the ace attorney universe but if they did these two would have to declare one. Edgeworth would be like. Sorry I can’t work with one of three entire judges in our district. We’re coparenting a teenager together. And Justine would be like yeah. Also I think he’s a bitch :\

Sebastian goes into child welfare. He specializes in criminal cases with children as the victims or defendants, and often gets called in on cases where kids have to testify. In civil cases he acts as a Guardian Ad Litem (I like to think he was Trucy’s during the adoption proceedings!)

I see the Klavier and Sebastian highschool friends angle and I respect it but I actually think Klavier should have vastly complicated feelings about Sebastian, while Sebastian barely even thinks about him.

To expand: Sebastian is head of the class (Klavier is sporting about it but also jealous. They don’t really interact. Klavier has friends and Sebastian is an asshole.) >> Blaise Debeste’s bribery and other crimes come to light (Klavier feels a little bad for him. He doesn’t say it out loud but there is some very real level of “he should have noticed. What an idiot. I would have known.”) >> Sebastian prosecutes his father because conflicts of interest don’t exist in Ace Attorney. He cries the entire very public trial, and sometimes the court needs to go into recess because the defendant won’t stop hurling abuse at the prosecutor, but he otherwise presents a very solid case. (Klavier watches in stupefied horror. “I could never do that to someone I love,” he thinks, “no matter what they did.” He’s wrong.) >> Sebastian slowly picks himself up and builds his legal career with Edgeworth and Justine’s help. (Klavier still feels a bit of condescending pity, but mainly it’s a “good for him” kind of thing, with a small but lingering amount of distrust.) >> State v. Enigmar (Klavier takes a leave of absence. He shoves down his misgivings about the case. The Dark Age of the Law starts. Sebastian stays behind, and does his best with every case. He doesn’t run. Klavier is desperately bitter.) >> Seven Year Gap (Klavier becomes an international rock star. Sebastian is thrown to the wolves every day he practices law under the Debeste name. They’re both stained, but the difference is that Klavier is from his actions and Sebastian is from others. There’s at least one hit single based around this. Sebastian does not listen to rock music.) >> State v. Wright (2026) (Klavier’s brother can’t be guilty. Klavier knows him. Klavier loves him. Doesn’t he? Did he miss something or was he kidding himself? Klavier begins obsessing over Apollo Justice. He and Sebastian work in the same office again. Sebastian feels no particular way about this. Klavier hovers outside his door when no one else is around and thinks about guilt. Did you know? Did you suspect? Did you care?) >> State V. Tobaye. (Another betrayal. Will all of his loved ones abandon him? Did they think he was that stupid or did they think he loved them enough to look past their crimes? Which is worse? Klavier does not knock on Sebastian’s door.) >> State V. Misham. Sebastian takes Klavier aside and tells him not to hold himself responsible. Says that he can’t be blamed for not noticing, and that he just has to try and build himself up again. Sebastian tells him his door is always open. Klavier says thank you but I’m okay. (Klavier thinks “Maybe you couldn’t have known. But I could have. I should have. I was not supposed to be the fool.”) >> Klavier goes to Edgeworth-mandated therapy. He comes to terms with Kristoph’s betrayal. He realizes he has been obsessing over someone he barely knows from high school for over a decade. He wonders if this is a crush. If he had a friend to tell this to, they would say that this is actually just an externalized form of self-loathing. He does not have any friends. His therapist tells him this instead. >> Klavier knocks on Sebastian’s door. They proceed to have a series of very normal conversations. They become friends. Klavier is too mortified to ever tell Sebastian about any of the above.

The Klavier and Sebastian analysis could have been it’s own post but I got in too deep. I think Klavier should get to be an unfair bitch sometimes, even if he never says it out loud.

Alas, this post is now too long for me to expand on my Blackquill/Sebastian thoughts. Of which I have many. There’s 7k of fic written in my notes app. Blackquill thinks Sebastian is pushy and confident and the hottest person he’s ever seen. Sebastian thinks Blackquill is extremely pretty and kind to small animals and children. No one comprehends their views of each other.

[fizzywashere87]

Erm... Trans Masc reader x R!Mikey fluff? Pls?

TM!Reader x R!Donnie fluff?

TM!Reader x R!Leo fluff?

TM!Reader x R!Raph fluff?

Any fluff pls

Im feeling low-key melancholy (u know why) and I need comfort

Or if your cool with it, gut wrenching angst that will make me hurt to the very core of my being and make me cry like a baby?

-xoxo Nardo

notes: yes. just yes. okay, i apologize in advance if these are not what you wanted/posted too late... but i hope you enjoy pookie!! i'm gonna write them as hcs so you get all in one AND it's not built like a script!

Hehe just in time for Pride Month! :3

HAPPY PRIDE!

Masterlist

Warnings: male reader, male pronouns used, cussing?, fluff!!

RotTMNT x TransMasc! Reader

~Raph-a-Doodle~

Okay, we all know cuzzo's like the biggest sweetheart-

He's going to love you unconditionally for two reasons

One, in his mind, nothing can be worse than his whole.. situation.

Two, you're literally the most majestic, the most gracious person and lover to ever walk the earth! In his eyes strictly- not mine /J /NS I JS WANTED TO BE FUNNY

Raph's gonna support you no matter what decisions you make in life and he's going to follow your every move :3 -seriously he cannot live without you-

Is on top of your pronouns and will threaten anyone who tries to a fuckass skank

TAKING YOU TO PRIDE PARADES

He'd get you like the Transgender flag but like the big one so you can wear it like a cape! -He says you're his hero and heroes have capes :3

Also gets you tinier flags and pins so you can wave 'em n wear 'em -hehe see what i did with the alliteration?

You can sit on his shoulders 'cuz you know he's tall and stuff

Best experience ever bro

He is also adorned in the Pride Attire™

OMG yk like the lil corks they put on sharp things?

You put some of those on him but like it's pride (cuz you know- you gay an stuff /ref) and now it's a festive safety feature!

Proudly displays you to the world an' I wanna make that so clear

"This is my s/o! Ain't he just the handsomest?"

Yeah he's cute

Helps you with anything you need

If you choose to bind he'll help make sure it's on safely and shit

Raph always makes sure you're comfortable and happy

If you're happy he's happy!

Raph loves you and he'll treat you the same (just with these added perks) no matter what- as long as you're happy my boy is thriving

~Neon-Leon~

Now this one-

This one...

Motherfucker's gay as shit we already know-

Yeah no fucking surprise there when this one came outta the closet

He's probably TransMasc too :3

"It's cause I'm gay isn't it?"

Yes tf-

Okay but like he's good to you and that's all that matters

Again, he doesn't treat you all that different besides the added perks >v<

He's such a simp for you don't let his annoying attitude fool you

Bro's gay and homophobic for you /ref amor would understand

Helps you with whatever you need, seriously

Call him and he's a portal away

Big help with transitioning

His room's got a big ass section dedicated to pride

Flags, pins, posters, uhm- what's with the sock and why is it hard as a rock?

"DON'T TOUCH THAT-"

"EW YOU FUCKING WANKER WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT THERE?!"

aw what the shit man.

Don't speak of that with him he'll get pissy and you don't wanna deal with Pissy Leo™

PRIDE PARADE!

Y'all have the most Gender Fits™ istg

ADORNED IN FESTIVE CLOTHING FOR THE FESTIVE EVENT!!

Both of you guys are wearing the flag-cape thingy I'm not sure what to call

You went with the Transgender Theme and he went with the Gay Theme

Says it suits his color n he's not lying

Another one to proudly displays you

"MAKE WAY FOR MY MOST HANDSOMEST BOYFRIEND PEASANTS!!"

"Nobody's in the way Leo." April would roll her eyes alongside the rest of his brothers

You'd either match Leo's energy or tell him to stfu-

Back to the pride parade-

Nobody actually gives a fuck he's green

"I know a place," Ahh boyfriend

You guys have a blast marching around and the Gender Fits™ are your new favorite outfits

He loves you so much and he will show it through his one liners/pickups lines

It's really bad-

"Are you testosterone because you're testing my heart strings!"

*Receives the window treatment*

Gayest couple in New York but you guys OWN IT

~Othello Von Ryan~

Bro is literally indifferent

It's not that Donnie doesn't care- no he cares tenfolds and it shows

But he also doesn't care

Like he doesn't make as big of a commotion about it verbally

He does show you off literally everywhere tho-

"Ah yes, my superbly handsome s/o, [Name]!"

And he does have a pride section in his lab :3

He's just Autistic ∞

Is on top of allat medical shit for you

And also will help you with literally anything you need

"Donnie, it's Pride Month, you know what that means!" "Huh? Do you want me to like- make gay tech? What?" /reffff

Yes tf

And he does just that

He ended up making you a Lil' Reminder Guy

It reminds you to like- do stuff

Ion wtv tf you want

Just tell it when it needs to tell you to Do Stuff™ and it will

Take meds, walk the dog, eat, drink water, SLEEP

And it's gay LMFAO

Also probably created a pride flag printer :0

He's literally the best omgie

He's smart and hot?

insert ring on finger plz -><-

Except you giggle cause 👉👌

PRIDE PARADE!

Donnie picks out your Gender Fit™ because he needs "his handsome significant other looking his best!"

Any of them masturbators wanna be dickheads? There's now a virus taking over their whole ass phone and it spread to their computer

He swears it wasn't him and it happened to be convenient timing

You let it go 'cause what the fuck they had it coming

Man the love is seen and is On The Brain™

Donnie does literally anything for you and will do it with Pride~

~Magic Mike~

Mans is all for it but in uppercase letters

Mikey's second favorite thing about Pride is defo the colors

The first being people being able to be themselves and all the happy faces :3

It's pretty much his scene

You give him literally the biggest excuse to be A r t i s t i c

Drawing on you 24/7 hkhuyhgygti-

Displaying you like his biggest achievement

In his eyes, you are again, his eyes, not mine /J AGAIN SORRY IM NOT FUNNY-

"Look at my adorable s/o, [Name]! Isn't he sososos adorable?"

The threatening stare he gives after makes anyone shit their pants and they will not DARE to disagree

Mikey will do literally anything for you and is another one to do it with Pride~

PRIDE PARADE!

He won't fully leave you to pick out the fit but he is definitely pitching in A LOT

"You would look so amazing and handsome if you put it with this!!"

Places the cape on you so dramatically you laugh every time

Paints your face for the occasion

Cannot convince me he doesn't make a face while doing it LMFAO

Dating Mikey means you've got yourself a guard dog

Should anyone imply that you're anything besides amazing?

He's sending their fuckass twinkass self beyond where they came from-

Heavily assisting in your transition

Whatever you need is there as fast as he can possibly cause it "cause it"?

Mikey makes fun in all the annoying and uncomfy stuff you'd have to get through and you're so grateful you have him there to help

Also has a pride section in his room

It's so bright and colorful between all the flags and posters and pins

He collects those pins like they're sports cards

You literally give him an excuse to be so A r t i s t i c

His muse istg-

"My handsome angel face!! Look what I made! I seen something that made me think of you, and then it gave me an idea to paint this!!"

Your heart fucking melted oml

He's so precious bro

Holds you extra tight because he loves you so much

He'd do anything and everything for you

No matter what you do or say he'll always stick with you <3

don't click see more to see the tags. i had a lil too much time on my hands-

[neteyamyawne]

Heyy, i saw that you make stories with grace

Could you please make grace x daughter reader, their relationship mother daughter going to the forest in the avatar bodies, anything else you want pleasee?!?!

A/n : this is so sweet, i love grace so much, I've been an avatar fan since 2009, and grace is still my absolute role model, i was so hurt when she died 😭 i will never forgive James Cameron for grace and neteyam. They were my favourite out of all others (except neytiri and tuk) 😭😭 anyways...

Ma'ite ♡

Pairing : Grace Augustine x daughter!reader

Summary : a day in the life of being grace Augustine's daughter.

Fluff 🤍

❈ Warning : none, just fluff , mention of needle once

❈ Word count : 1.3k , proof read

❈ Note : this made me go back to my 2009 phase, I miss her so much, she would have been such an amazing mom omg, I'm gonna go and cry in the corner brb 😭

"word" - dialogue

Your tablet was pulled out of your hands and you groaned "mommmm, please just one more hour, c'mon" you swirled in your chair looking at her, she just shook her head "nah uh, you've been saying that from past six hours missy, now get your lazy bum to the cafeteria, you need to eat something" you sighed you knew there was no arguing with your mother and she was right, you were studying that specimen way longer than you should have but in your defense it was so mesmerizing!

You sat down next to your mom and max, leaning onto her not really having the appetite to eat mash potatoes and beef that didn't even resembled the actual thing whatsoever,but she nudged you to eat even though the more you looked at it the more you wanted to vomit, so in the end you had a cup of tea/coffee and a bowl of fruits because it was better than puking your stomach out later, and also your mother demanded something fresh to be sent here once in a while. 

Later that day, you were going for the trip of specimen collection in the lush forests of Pandora, you always went on the collection trips because, first you get to drive your avatar and second, your love to explore pandora never died down,  getting into your avatar was the best part of the day, to be able to feel the nature around you and connect with it, while also to smack some scientists "accidentally" because you didn't see them, which was a lie, you saw them but it was more fun this way.

                       ⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Trudy flew around the trees, the airs rushing past your hair, the braids flowing in the current, the forest Below you happy and thriving, trudy landed carefully in a soft patch of grass, you bounced down glancing around, your tail up straight waving from side to side in curiosity, your ears up to hear each and every beautiful clicks and sounds made by the forest, making it alive, listening to the hoots and squeaks brought so much joy to you, grabbing your tablet and the collection kit, you walked behind your mom, as she led your way, coming to an halt near a giant tree, she crouched down motioning for you to do the same, and so you did, looking down at the thick root, scaning the area with her device that hanged around her neck, the electromagnetic signals were slow, so the tree can conserve energy for the time of distress, she described the specific physical details of the tree and I note them down, moving to the interior structures, she reached for the compound syringe, specially made for the extraction of the specimen, and pierced the root of the tree, you quickly scanned the pierced area with your tablet, the electromagnetic signals of the tree, zooming in bright lines on the screen, your eyes widen, mouth forming into a shocked smile as you showed it to her, this was new, the speed of transport of the message was way faster than the other samples collected, quickly taking the sample of the root and putting it back into the case and noting everything down in your notebook, you both walked further looking some more.

By the time you stopped collecting the sun was setting, you ended up having a piggy back ride on her back, because your legs got tired from all the walking, this was a daily occurrence by now , everytime you visited the forest for anything, it'd end up with her giving you a piggyback ride, and she didn't mind it either, while you walked together to the helicopter, the amount of samples you both collected today will keep you occupied inside the lab for more than 2 weeks minimum and you couldn't wait to start with them, nearing the rotter craft you gave her a kiss on the cheek and she dropped you off so you could climb into your  seat, today drained your energy levels, but in a good way, you grew up  surrounded by scientists 24/7, so knowing almost as good as them but you mostly worked with your favorite scientist in the whole world, exactly, your mom, and she loved to teach you too, giving the bits of knowledge that even the most qualified scientist below her didn't know. On the way back to the lab, your sleepless endeavors of last night's research sessions were taking a toll on you now, and you knew you won't be able to stay up late with your mom to finish the leftovers, but you'd try to push through it as much as you can. 

                        ⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Getting up from your link, you stretched your limbs, yawning as it was almost night and you were up all night yesterday due to the research, walking over to your mom's link you saw her with a cigarette in between her lips, blowing a puff of smoke into the air, you rolled my eyes, here she goes again, the same lecture you repeat to her on a daily basis "mom-" but she cut you short "i know, i know, this is the last one i promise" she signed, you stood beside her looking directly at her you spoke 

"That's what you said yesterday, mama"  you played the "mama" card on her, she always melts when you call her that, rubbing her eyes and the bridge of her nose with the other hand, groaning when she caught onto what you were thinking, finally she blunted the cigarette in the ashtray and threw away the remaining box, "I'm sorry, sweetheart, i won't do it again" you smiled, proud that she was taking such a huge step, you hugged her, after a little victory celebration with gummy bears, both of you walked to your lab where you worked together, you had to get everything set before the new scientists from earth come here tomorrow.

Rolling over to the other side where she worked, you propped your chin on her shoulder "c'mon, mama, I'm tired let's go to sleep" you said pressing your forehead on her shoulder now, she just chuckled "i told you to take rest before and warned this would happen, but ohh do you ever listen to me? No, then why should I listen to you now? Hm?" You huffed, sleep was overpowering you "I'm sorry, i was wrong, i should have slept but now can we please go to our room and sleep while watching a movie? Please please please" giving her the pouty lips and puppy dog eyes, she broke instantly not having it in her heart to say no to you.

                      ⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

You rolled over, hugging her side as you both settled down on the bed together, she put on your all time favorite movie and wrapped her arms around you, kissing your forehead she said "this is the last time, I'm letting this slide, I won't do it again for you" and you nodded but you both knew she won't do such thing and she would let it slide because well you're her daughter and only your deadlines get postponed. You snuggled your head in her neck as she ran her hand through your hair, by the time the movie got to the halfway point you were fast asleep, noticing this she turned off the screen, gently lifting the blanket to cover your shoulder, pulling you closer to her chest, she drifted of to sleep herself, with you all snug in her arms.

She wouldn't trade this, even if it meant giving up herself, she'd do it without hesitation, you were her world and the only thing important to her in this universe, she can go to any means to keep you safe and protected. this was the exact reason she brought you with her to this base, the only condition she kept against the RDA for her to start working on the pandora mission two years ago, that you'd come with her, wherever she goes you'll be right by her side and you couldn't be more grateful for it. 

A/n : please request more of her, I love her so damn much 😭 I'll probably add more to this afterwards, if you wanna be tagged in my posts, comment on my taglist post for more info check my pinned post.

Yawne : @fanboyluvr, @callmeoncette, @lu-the-ghost-reader, @brisbriskett, @saltedcoffeescotch, @ducks118, @itscheybaby, @jackiehollanderr, @zoetrope1997, @yeosxxx, @persefolli, @im-in-a-pansexual-panik, @theycallmesia.

© Neteyamyawne 2023 | All Rights Reserved. Do not repost on other platforms, copy, steal, or translate any of my works!

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Chapter 1

Series Summary: Gemma is definitely Cassidy James' favourite Styles family member, considering they are best friends and all. And especially considering that Harry Styles is Gemma's smug and self-centered younger brother. Her life isn't perfect, and neither is she, but she hates how everyone thinks Harry is. Because she knows that's not the case.

Chapter Summary: Cassidy, begrudgingly, finds herself at Harry's secret show in London in December 2019, and thinks about some of the few times she actually liked being in the same room as him, and a few of the reasons why that changed.

Chapter Warnings: Some explicit language, alcohol consumption, alcoholic parent, smut- intercourse using a condom, anxiety attack, mention of Kendall Jenner (please no hate)

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

It's been a couple of years since Cassidy's seen, and talked to, that twerp. No, twerp isn't the right word. That's what she'd call him when he'd throw mud pies at her and his sister. No, asshole is a much better word to describe him. Because his level of arrogance and annoyingness only grew with him over the years.

So, why she agreed to meet Gemma for this specific event is a mystery. Being at one of Harry's shows is less than ideal. Gemma could have picked anywhere else. And Cassidy would have preferred anywhere else. But, she's here because Gemma is her best friend, and she's missed her, so she just couldn't say no.

Her anxiety heightens as the lights dim and the crowd begins to cheer.

"Style." A voice sounds through the speakers. "Style is the answer to everything."

Is he serious? The answer to everything? He really is an arrogant son of a bitch. Of course this is his intro. Clearly his ego hasn't changed. It has definitely grown, which she didn't think was possible, but also can't be shocked by.

"To do a dangerous thing with style is what I call art."

Wrong. To do a dangerous thing, or really just anything, with Harry Styles is what Cassidy would call stupidity. And she knows first hand. She was stupid once.

[ flashback - Oct 2015 ]

Cassidy only went to shows with Gemma, and this time was no exception, but usually she is dragged there. However, the last concert of the 'On The Road Again' tour, the last concert before their hiatus, seemed like an important enough event for her to attend, without any resistance. Well, without as much resistance.

And she has to admit, the energy is electric. Even her disdain for a certain One Direction member can't really prevent her from enjoying the night. So much so that she tears up at the end, with all the 'thank yous' and hugs. So much so that she agrees to go with Gemma to meet up with them backstage. So much so that she agrees to go to the after party they have planned at the hotel, on the vip floor.

Thankfully, she and Gemma managed to snag two hotel rooms to avoid taking the hour and a half hour drive home. They usually share, but with Gemma's boyfriend there, she is not about to share a room with them. This means that there's nothing in the way of her attending the party and easily escaping back to the room when she wants to leave. She is certain she won't want to stick around too long.

Cassidy walks into the party in a black velvet crop top with matching fitted mini skirt. A bit casual, but still meeting the party vibe. She instantly feels excitement and anxiety wash over her simultaneously, seeing the grandeur of the room and the abundance of guests already in attendance, and already in full party mode.

"Come on, CJ, let's live it up tonight, 'kay?" Gemma states, more so than asks, and Cassidy knows she doesn't have much choice. Not that she's one to turn down a party, but she's never been to one this elaborate.

"Drinks first then." She replies, pointing straight over to the open bar across the expansive room.

They make their way through the crowds, who are chatting and dancing, to finally reach their destination.

"Long Island iced tea, please." Cassidy orders.

"Oh my god!" Gemma chuckles, glancing at her friend with wide eyes. "You're not messing around!"

"Nope!" She replies, grabbing the glass as soon as it is placed in front of her and immediately taking a sip. "Living it up, right?"

Gemma chuckles again with a nod, ordering her own beverage. Cassidy turns around and leans on the bar counter, scanning the faces just to see if she recognizes anyone in attendance. Anyone besides the obvious.

She spots Louis' sister, Lottie, who she has talked to before a few times backstage, so she motions to Gemma that she's going to mingle, and makes her way to the middle of the room.

She's about ten steps in when a tall figure blocks her path, causing her to abruptly freeze in place. She looks up to find Harry's piercing green eyes, something almost dangerous within his gaze.

"Didn't think you'd be here…" He states, a low hum to his tone. "Didn't think you'd even wanna come."

"I didn't." She replies, taking a long sip of her drink as she glares up at him through her lashes. "But I'm here for Gemma. And the band."

"You know, I'm part of the band."

"Oh, I'm well aware." She rolls her eyes, knowing full well that he is trying to pull a compliment out of her for himself. "But not everything is about you. Not just you, at least."

He smirks, much to her annoyance, and shakes his head. He looks past her, catching the attention of someone else, then drops his gaze back down.

"Have fun, Cass." His palm quickly comes up and pats her shoulder as he walks around her, leaving her alone again to get back to her original intent, finding another friend.

She takes a deep breath and notices that Lottie has moved, so she scans the room again and makes her way over to chat with Louis.

"Hi, love!" He greets her.

"Hey." She replies, meeting him halfway for a hug "So… do I congratulate you or what?"

He laughs and shrugs his shoulders.

"S'pose. Don' really know. Ya know? Bu' it's cool I guess."

"Well, congrats anyway."

"Ya 'aving fun?" He asks with a wide grin. "Did Harry find ya?"

"Unfortunately, yes." She groans, bringing her glass to her lips and letting a decent amount enter her mouth. They all know about the back and forth between the two of them.

"Keep drinking tha' and ya might be best friends by the end of the night!"

"Doubtful." She shakes her head, knowing there would have to be a lethal amount of alcohol in her system to even consider that as a possibility.

•••

It's not lethal, but there is definitely a lot of alcohol in her system, which is thoroughly taking over her, because she is still there and having a lot of fun.

She is dancing with Gemma, Lottie, and a girl who is dating the drummer. Or the bass player. She can't really remember in her inebriated state, but she knows she's enjoying herself.

"Shit. I need some air!" She exclaims, slowing down her body and fixing her hair before making her way out of the doors to the large balcony.

She leans against the railing, looking out at the city nightlife below, and takes a deep breath in.

"Taking a break?" An unfamiliar voice asks. "You've been going at it all night!"

She turns to the voice beside her, to be met with a guy she doesn't recognize. She smiles and lets out a breathy laugh.

"Yeah. I'm just trying to get some peace and calm to recharge."

"Cig?" The guy asks, already holding out an unlit stick in her direction.

She never smokes. She has before, it's just not her thing. But apparently all inhibition has now left because she takes the cigarette and allows the stranger to light it.

"It looks like you've been having fun out there…" The stranger leans over to make eye contact, Cassidy meeting his gaze as best she can with her lightheadedness.

"Surprisingly, yeah!" She chuckles, placing her lips on the stick and sucking in, letting a cloud of smoke exit in front of her.

"I'll join you if you hit the dance floor again." He offers, bumping her shoulder playfully and displaying a small smirk. It's not as noticeable as Harry's is. But it's also not as annoying or arrogant either. No one's could be.

"Okay!" She smiles back, glancing over and noticing how pretty the stranger's eyes are. Or at least she thinks they are.

"Hey mate!" She suddenly hears on the other side of her, causing her head to whip around and find herself meeting Harry's gaze.

"What's up. You're Harry, right? I'm Nathan." The stranger asks, whose name she now knows is Nathan. Hopefully she can remember that in her current state. She turns around to see him reach his hand out to the pest standing next to her.

"Yeah. Nice to meet you. Is this one bothering you?" Harry chuckles, pointing his thumb right in her face. She lifts up her free hand to swat it away, and does something a sober Cassidy wouldn't. She turns and giggles at Harry's gesture.

His eyes go wide and a blush rushes to her cheeks. She turns back to the stranger and takes a deep breath to do anything she can to regain control over her actions.

"Nah, we're having fun." Her new friend replies. "We were about to get back to the dance floor. Right, umm…?"

"Her name is Cassidy." Harry responds before she does, a neutral but almost stern tone.

"Cassidy? Cool." Nathan quietly states. "So, yeah. Are you… ready to head in?"

"Yeah." She replies with a nod. "I'll be there in a minute."

He nods and snuffs out his own cigarette before walking back inside.

Her head immediately snaps over to Harry, a little surprised that her level of frustration with him is not nearly as high as it usually is. But it's still there.

"What are you doing?" She asks, watching as he pulls on his lower lip.

"What?"

"Why'd you walk over here?" She subtly scowls back, again surprised that it isn't as intense, but also recognizing that the Long Island iced teas have weakened her guard against him.

"Wanted to introduce myself. I like to know the names of the people at our parties."

"Yeah right. You only came over to annoy me." She rolls her eyes, realizing there is a smile across her face and swiftly corrects her expression.

"Not everything is about you, Cass." He smirks, clearly feeling triumphant for his use of her earlier insult.

"Yeah well you don't have to try and ruin the night for me either way…"

"Doesn't look like I've been ruining it. Looks like you've been dancing around and having fun."

"You were watching me?" She shakes her head and holds her hand up in front of his face. "Doesn't matter. I was having fun, and now I'm going back to have some more."

"See you inside then."

"Please don't." She pleads, snuffing out the cigarette she admits she didn't like smoking, then turning back towards the doors and heading inside.

Gemma, Lottie, and now Lou Teasdale are all still dancing right where she left them, so she bounces up to her friends and begins to join in on the dancing again.

She glances around, not seeing the guy she had just met outside, the one who was supposedly her new dance partner, but she is drunk enough, carefree enough, and having enough fun to shrug it off.

After one song ends and the next transitions in, Michal appears next to Gemma and whispers in her ear, causing her to giggle, and then motions to Cassidy that they'll be heading over to the bar.

"We're grabbing a drink too. But we'll be back." Lottie states, linking arms with Lou. "Are you good here?"

Cassidy shrugs and nods, truly not in the mindset to care anymore. They walk away and she is left to dance by herself. Hopefully not for too long.

About half a song in, warm hands slide on to her hips, and she smiles. Finally her new dance partner has joined her. But her eyes catch the gaze of the guy she thought was behind her, also standing over at the bar, and she suddenly smells the unmistakably deep fragrance that can only belong to the one and only Harry Styles. So not only has she been left alone, which she doesn't mind, but now she's left alone with the one person she didn't want or expect to be dancing behind her.

Yet, she doesn't move.

His hands are strong, and ever so slightly caressing her hips as they sway to the music. His breath is warm, and hitting her neck in a labored rhythm. His chest is pressed up against her. She doesn't know if she's ever felt this way with someone on the dancefloor. Maybe that's just the alcohol talking. But she knows she's never felt this way with Harry, in any situation.

Yet, she doesn't move.

Instead, something ignites in her. She, unintentionally, reaches a hand behind her to grab onto the back of his neck. His breath hitches and hers follows as he pulls her closer and she feels how much he's enjoying it all.

"Cass…" He whispers in her ear.

She spins around within his hold, locking on his gorgeous green eyes that now have a hint of excitement and danger.

Her fingers travel up into the hair on the back of his head. He releases a low growl and pulls her hips flush against his, causing his lips to hover just in front of hers.

"Wanna leave?" He asks, sending a shiver down her spine.

It's the alcohol. She's blaming the multiple Long Island iced teas for the fact that she nods in response. That and the fact that she hasn't had much intimacy in a while. That is what is to blame.

He spins her back around to face away from him and guides her through the crowds with his hands on her waist. Her bare waist, thanks to her fantastic choice in outfit.

The elevator ride is only down one floor, and he all but pushes her down the hallway to his suite. As soon as the room door is closed, he pulls her in towards him and places his soft, pouty lips against her neck. She lets out a sigh and he lets in a breath, followed by a low growl.

"You smell like that damn cigarette smoke." He mumbles, and she pushes back, mildly embarrassed that the smell on her has stopped their activities.

"Bathroom?"

"That way."

She swiftly makes her way to the other room, immediately grabbing a bottle of mouthwash and swishing as much of it around in her mouth as she can. After she spits it out, she finds a small bar of soap to quickly wash off her neck, hoping it'll remove the smell. As soon as she dries off, she catches her reflection in the mirror.

What is she doing? This is Harry. Her best friend's brother and the guy she usually can't be bothered to be around. What is she doing?

She walks out, deciding she should probably stop what has been started, or about to be started. She is almost instantly met by Harry's frame, pushing himself off the wall nearby.

He slinks over, closing the gap between them, and places his hands on her bare waist once again. Her hesitation seems to melt away by the warmth of his touch, as his forehead presses on hers. Then his lips meet her neck again, causing that heat to wash over her, as her entire body melts into him, just as her hesitation had seconds before.

"You okay with this?" He utters against her skin.

"Y-yes." She replies, the shakiness of her words produced by the anticipation in her body. The alcohol. It's the alcohol. It has to be.

He pulls his head back, his eyes flickering between hers and her lips. One hand places on the back of her head and brings her closer to him. Their breaths are matched in their acceleration and she bites her lip before they press against him.

Goosebumps rush all over her. No kiss has felt this good. At least, she has no memory of one feeling this good. Not that she can think of much else at the moment.

His tongue parts her lips, working itself inside her mouth in the most tantalizing way, as he walks her backwards to the bed. Her legs hit the side of the bed frame, then her back hits the mattress, and she finds herself caged within Harry's tattooed arms.

His fingers run up her shirt as his lips meet hers once again. Everything tingles. Every inch of her body is sparked by him.

The next thing she knows, all remaining clothes are removed, and everything becomes an ignited blur of her senses. The feeling of hands roaming each other's skin, the sound of their combined symphony of moans throughout the room, the smell of sweat and Harry's sultry cologne, the taste of his lips on hers, the sight of his toned, tattooed body hovering over and rolling into her.

"Oh my-... Harry…" She whimpers out, her eyes scrunched shut and her head thrown back from the overwhelming pleasure he's providing her.

"Say it-" He utters, panting as he thrusts back into her. "Say it again." He pleads, pulling out and slamming back in. "Say my name again."

If she were sober, and not completely succumbed to the ecstasy of being filled by Harry, she would have scoffed at the narcissism. But she knows she won't hold back. Almost as if he deserves to hear her do as he's asked.

"Harry."

"Fuck, Cassidy. That sounds… like fucking music!" He growls into her neck. "Are you close?"

"Yes. So-" She breathes out, feeling her body tighten. "So close."

"Look at me. P-please." He asks of her, and she obeys, her eyes snapping open and fixating on him.

"Harry, I'm-"

"Go on." He moans, picking up the pace of his thrusts as his eyes fill with determination. "I need you… to cum on me, Cass."

That last statement opens the floodgates and her jaw drops open as complete satisfaction rolls over her.

"Oh my god… Oh my god!"

Harry growls again and his motions get faster. And deeper. And unsteady.

"That's it. Fuck. That's…" He thrusts deep once more and halts his movements, moaning as she feels the pulsating inside of her.

They pant together as they both ride their highs, his body falling down onto hers as they both attempt to catch their breaths.

Harry pulls out, removing, tying up, and throwing away the condom in the bedside rubbish bin. He lays back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, just as she does.

"That was… wow!" He exclaims with a breathy chuckle.

"It really was." She admits, having yet to make eye contact with him since he was inside her. She begins to push herself off the bed, grabbing the bra that had been discarded on the floor nearby.

She feels his warm hand on her hip, causing her to look back over her shoulder.

"Cass, you don't have to go." He whispers. Her heart almost stops, and she finds herself laying back down, curling into his toned, but comforting chest, and she can feel sleep begin to take over her as the pleasurable adrenaline wears off.

•••

Cassidy's eyes blink open and her hangover-induced headache prevents her from initially getting her bearings. She looks to her side as she hears subtle, steady breathing.

"Shit." She whispers to herself. It's not as if she doesn't remember the activities from last night, but her sobering has brought clarity to the situation they find themselves in now.

She had sex with Harry.

It was drunk sex, she gets a small pass for that, but it was sex nonetheless. He's her best friend's brother. He's her personal pest. He's a fucking mega popstar who probably has a girl in every city, waiting for him to call on them whenever he is in town and needs some release.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." She repeats, slowly maneuvering out of his hold and off of the bed. She grabs her clothes and swiftly redresses herself, making sure to not make any noise.

Harry begins to stir, and after she opens the door, she turns back to face his direction, seeing his eyes still shut and his body still sprawled across the bed.

"Bye, H." She whispers.

"Mm." He mumbles, not giving her certainty that he actually heard her words.

She sighs, feeling so many things, incomprehensible at the moment, and closes the door behind her.

[ flashback - Dec 2015 ]

Either she doesn't learn her lesson, or she just likes to make life difficult for herself, because once again Cassidy finds herself sitting next to Gemma. This time it's in the X-Factor studio, waiting to watch One Direction give their final performance.

But then again, she isn't there solely for Harry, and she isn't there to get into anything with him again. She is there to support Gemma, who just happens to be supporting him, as well as the other three members of the group. That's all it is. So she doesn't need to feel weird or bad about being there.

Besides, it's not as if he made any effort to reach out after she left his hotel room that next morning. It was just another drunken one night stand to him.

And to her.

Just a one night stand that needs no further acknowledgement or conversation. Especially since Gemma doesn't know. She doesn't need to know, because it meant nothing and nothing more is coming from it.

She shakes her head. For someone who doesn't care about that one night, she realizes she is dwelling on it, and him, a bit too much.

That's the end of that.

She looks over to her best friend, and rubs her hand along her back to soothe her when she sees the tears trickling down Gemma's face. This is why she's there.

•••

"You are coming with me, CJ!" Gemma exclaims, throwing an outfit to Cassidy, who is sitting on her own hotel bed.

"I'm really inclined to pass on that offer." She replies, standing up and grabbing some sweatpants from her bag.

"It wasn't really an offer. More of a demand."

Cassidy lets out a laugh. Gemma is quite persistent and quite persuasive. But Cassidy is stubborn and won't go down without a fight.

"Gem, I don't want to get drunk and I don't want to be around a bunch of people I don't know."

"You don't have to drink. And you can hang around me!" She grins. "Plus, honestly, everyone loved you at the last after party…"

She felt flattered, and knew that Gemma really wanted her there. With Cassidy having started a new job, and Gemma about to venture off to start some projects of her own, their hangouts together would be cut down in quantity.

She sighs, rolls her eyes, and grabs the outfit that has be thrown in her direction.

"Fine. But m'not gonna like it."

"Don't care." Gemma replies, both smiling at each other.

As long as Cassidy can keep the drinking to a minimum, though she'll have some to keep her stress at bay, she should be able to survive the party. And not wake up regretting the night before.

•••

One drink in and she feels good. She's having fun, dancing, but still able to keep her guard up and be on alert for anyone trying to charm their way into her pants. Or her sleeveless, sweetheart neckline mini dress, in this case.

She's managed to do just that, so far.

As Gemma twirls Cassidy around on the dance floor, a tall figure with long curly hair catches her eye. She finishes her spin under her friend's arm, but her eyes stay fixed on him. Harry's gaze is piercing. Right through her. Enough to make her shudder, despite the room being filled with warmth from all the bodies. The furrow of his brow, the way one arm is crossed over his chest but the other hand is pulling on his bottom lip, the way his frame is pointed directly at her, all causes a knot to form in the pit of her stomach.

He looks mad that she's there.

He can be. He has no reason to be, but he can be. That's none of her concern. He has plenty of girls to choose from to satisfy whatever needs he has tonight. And she can party away however she wants to. It's not just his party and she's allowed to be there, because it's not all about him.

Her eyes flicker to her left and she realizes there is a gorgeous girl dancing next to her. Maybe his look isn't of anger towards her, maybe he's picked his victim… his partner… for the night.

"Hey." Cassidy leans over to the girl. "I think Harry is eyeing you…"

The girl's eyes snap over to where Cassidy discreetly points, not being as subtle.

"Harry Styles? No way…"

"He's staring over here. It's definitely at you."

The girl looks back towards her with a giddy grin, shrugging at the suggestion.

"I don't know…" She replies sheepishly.

"Go over and talk to him. He only looks intimidating. He's really not." She has no idea why she is trying to sell this idea to this random girl, and more so than that, doesn't understand why she's basically lying to her. Although, Harry seems to only put out his true, horrible nature towards her. No one else. So, she supposes, it's technically not a lie.

As the girl turns and makes her way to that side of the room, Harry straightens up but his glare to Cassidy deepens. She has no idea how he could still be mad, she just tried to help him. She sent a gorgeous girl his way, if anything, he should be grateful. But, he can't, and clearly won't, give her any credit. That's the selfish prick he is.

•••

After allowing herself another drink, since she's been feeling fine and controlled so far, she mentions to Gemma that she urgently needs to use the restroom.

She trots out of the banquet room, and down the hallway.

"Cassidy!" She hears shouted from behind her, just as she reaches the door to the ladies room.

She turns around to see Harry hastily making his way to her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He scowls, pressing one palm firmly on the wall as he reaches her.

"Going to the bathroom, you twit!" She replies.

"That's not what I mean!" His breath heaving as he stares down at her. The need to relieve herself becomes strong and she begins to squirm.

"Look, whatever I did, m'sorry. Okay?" She rolls her eyes, beginning to push the door open slightly. "But I have got to go. So, piss off!"

"Cass-"

"I said piss off!"

She pushes the door further open and lets it slam shut, hopefully right into his face.

She does her business and checks her outfit in the mirror, making sure her hair and makeup are still holding up as well. She stands there for a moment, a little proud of how she handled Harry in the hallway. Maybe it was a little snappy. She's only had two drinks, so it wasn't a drunken tone. They just have nothing to talk about, and he definitely didn't need to come at her like that, for no reason. The familiar frustration resurfaces, and she feels better with the comfortable emotion she usually feels towards him. With that she exits the bathroom.

She almost stops in place when she sees Harry's long, curly hair and tall, broad frame leaning against the wall, his back turned to her. A giggle rings out through the hallway and Cassidy rolls her eyes as she sees a hand grab his bicep.

Flirting in the hallway. Not surprising.

She makes her way past them, not even a glance in their direction, and pushes through the doors leading back into the party.

Her eyes scan the room, looking for friends or even a familiar face she can converse with, but she is stopped when a large palm gently grabs her shoulder from behind, the other sliding onto her waist.

She growls, not only at who it is, but also because of the fact that she is now able to recognize him just by the touch. Well, the touch and the fragrance. She pulls away and twists around.

"What do you want?" She scowls, and sees Harry's intense frown, yet again.

"Why've you been ignoring me all fucking night?"

"What are you talking about?"

He stands up straighter and crosses his arms, causing some sort of anxiousness to course through her.

"You haven't even bothered to say hello!"

"I didn't know I was required to."

"You're not…" His volume dims down slightly, and his tone slightly softens. "But it's polite… it's my party after all."

"It's not just your party, Harry. It's for the band, and the crew." She scoffs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "And you've been getting enough attention. I don't understand why you're hung up on not getting mine."

He leans his back against the nearby wall, arms still crossed and gaze still piercing.

"That's the other thing. What the fuck was that? Why'd you send some random girl over to, like, flirt with me?"

His question completely throws her off and she's unsure if she heard him correctly. There's no way he can be upset about that. He can't be upset that a girl went to do the one thing he himself seems to be so good at, besides singing.

"What the-... You were looking at her! I just encouraged her over there."

"I wasn't-" He sighs, running one hand through his hair, shaking his locks to reset their style. She remembers how they felt within her grasp, and takes a subtle step back to compose herself. He seems to notice, though, as he takes a bigger step towards her. "Whatever. I don't need your help, yeah?"

Of course. His ego. It was a blow to his ego that she thought he needed some assistance to get someone's attention and hook up with them.

"Trust me, Harry, I could care less what you do and who you do it with."

"Trust me, Cassidy, I know."

For the second time, his comment throws her off completely, but she doesn't have time to respond as.he brushes past her and heads back into the crowds of people.

Determination to not let him ruin her night bubbles up and she makes her way back to the dance floor, where she finds her friends.

"You alright, CJ? Do you wanna go?" Gemma asks.

Cassidy happens to catch Harry's glance, causing them both to frown in the other's direction, especially when she sees Harry turn back towards the girl he was supposedly upset was encouraged to go to him. She sees him whisper something in the girl's ear, receiving a nod, and both beginning to make their way to the door.

She clenches her jaw. What a prick, to argue with her about that girl, when he is doing the thing that Cassidy had assumed he wanted to do. At least now she doesn't have to be on edge, now that he has gone.

"CJ? Hello?" She hears. "Me and Michal are gonna head to our room. Are you staying?"

"Oh, umm, yeah I actually wanna stay." She brings her gaze back to Gemma, being met with a wide-eyed expression from her best friend. Cassidy just shrugs. "I'm having fun."

"Wow!" Gemma chuckles. "Okay! Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Have fun…"

"You too…" She replies, kissing Gemma on the cheek and sending her on her way.

She continues to stick by Lottie and Lou, but after just a few more songs, they also state that they are calling it a night.

With no one else to hang out with, Cassidy quickly decides to do the same. She walks over to the bar, intending to pull out some cash that she had previously stored in her strapless bra, but she realizes she cannot feel any there.

"Need help finding something?" She hears, a chuckle following, and she sees Harry arrive at her side.

Her entire body tenses. Why can't he just leave her alone? Why does he have to bother her?

"Piss off." She sighs, dropping her head in embarrassment at her lack of tip. "I thought… I had money."

"Oh." He replies, in a surprisingly compassionate and gentle tone. "Here."

He pulls out his wallet and hands a few notes to the bartender.

"I don't need your help."

"Clearly…" He replies, rolling his eyes.

She growls, glaring into his green eyes, remembering the way they had looked so lustful at the last after party she attended.

"Thank you." She quietly states between her teeth.

He chuckles and she turns away, taking a few steps before she feels her body being guided to a dark corner of the room.

Harry turns her around to face him, as she backs up to the wall. It was an attempt to get some distance, which she immediately realizes is a failure as he steps closer.

"You're infuriating, you know that?"

"Me?" She gasps at the audacity, and irony, of him calling her that. "You're joking!"

He keeps silent, keeping his gaze locked on her, as if she'd disappear once he moved it.

"What are you doing here?" She asks in a whisper, her breath beginning to falter at keeping steady. "I thought… I thought you left with that girl."

A smirk appeared, showcasing his devilish dimple, the one every girl seems to swoon over.

"Did you miss me?"

"Get over yourself." She replies. He scoots closer, his palms pushing against the wall on either side of her head, and her breath hitches. "Whatever game you're trying to play, I don't want to participate."

"No game." He bites his lower lip, his eyes flickering down for a moment before meeting hers again. "But I think you do want to participate."

She looks down to where his eyes drop again, taking in the sight of her own hands grasping his half-buttoned shirt. It was unintentional. She pushes against his chest, only moving him back an inch, if that, and she wraps her arms across her chest.

"Leave me alone. Go back to your girl."

"Why are you so insistent that I be with her?"

"You don't want to be? 'Cause you left with her..."

"She was wasted so I walked her to the elevator." He utters, his warm breath heating her cheeks. "She wanted more, thanks to you I guess, but I didn't, so I sent a security guy with-"

"I'm surprised you actually turned someone down!"

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you." He whispers, leaving Cassidy a little unsure if she was meant to hear the statement.

Her heart races as one palm makes its way to her hip, and his eyes flicker down to her lips.

With all he's done to pester her throughout the years, this frustrates her the most. Not just that he's doing it, but that she seems to be caving in to it.

"What are you doing, Harry?" She utters, unable to produce much volume, and also not wanting to grab attention from anyone else.

"Whatever you want me to do." He smirks, his hand slowly moving over her hip and to her thigh, where he begins to play with the hem of her mini dress. "Stop me if you don't."

She exhales a shaky breath, all heat and sensation rushing to her core. Her hands grip his biceps, feeling the muscles contract under her touch. She's definitely caving to it.

His fingers slide under her dress, just enough to grasp onto her upper thigh and begin playing with the hem of her panties, running his fingers along the fabric. She bites her lower lip and moves her hands up to his shoulders, weaving her fingers into his hair. He smirks, pushing her panties aside, and he glides two fingers along her folds, drawing a hiss from her lips.

"Harry…" She whines, squirming at the need for more.

"Not yet. Not here." He whispers, removing his fingers from under her dress and bringing them to his lips, sucking on them slowly. She swallows to clear the lump in her throat in an attempt to compose herself.

"Wanna leave?" He asks, exactly like at the last after party, a sultry deepness to his tone.

And just like the last time, she finds herself nodding.

•••

"I've been wanting to get this dress off you all night." Harry mumbles, sliding his hands up her thighs as she straddles him on the couch in his hotel suite.

"All night?"

Her question is met with his lips on her collarbone, and her dress being pushed over her hips to her waist. She grabs the hem and pulls it off the rest of the way, smirking at the way Harry's eyes widen with desire as he looks over her body.

"Fucking beautiful." He pants out, subtly bucking his hips up, and she gasps at the feeling of how hard he is under her. She reaches down and unbuttons his pants, propping herself up as he slides them down his legs.

She stands up, removing her own panties, and he quickly plucks a small square package out of the wallet in his jean pocket. She unclasps her bra and watches as he pulls down his briefs, releasing his big, thick cock from its confines.

His gaze snaps up to her, his lips pulled inward.

"Are you sure?" He questions quietly, almost as if he's afraid her answer has changed. Of course he wouldn't be used to rejection, but she's not exactly in the mood to be the first one to do it. They've come this far, she isn't really considering turning back now.

She grabs the condom packet and rips it open between her teeth, stroking the latex down his length before returning to her spot on his lap.

Her lips return to his neck, his hands returning to her waist, and she guides herself down slowly onto his cock.

"Oh my god." She whispers into his shoulder, slowing down even more to adjust to how much he's already stretching her out.

They both let out a breath once he's fully inside of her.

"Bloody hell, Cass. You feel so good." He mumbles, throwing his head back against the couch as she begins to grind. "So… fucking good."

She pulls back to watch his face melt with pleasure, her hands traveling through his hair with a tight grip, extracting a deep moan from his chest. He brings one palm up to the back of her head and brings her closer, pressing his lips to hers. His tongue pushes between them, and swirls with hers in parallel motions.

The moans leaving her lips are reciprocated by his, along with some pushing up of his hips, deepening himself inside of her.

"Harry… h-hard."

"What?"

"I want you to… to fuck me… hard." She almost whines. If she were in any other mindset, she might think she was pathetic, but all she can focus on at this moment is just how good she's feeling. How good Harry is making her feel, and how she just wants more.

"Fuck. Okay." He moans out. "I'll do anything… anything you want, Cass."

He thrusts up into her more vigorously, holding her down by her hips, getting a lot deeper than he'd been before.

"Oh god. Yes. Harry that's-" She moans out. "That's it."

"Fuck, I love that… you moaning my name."

"Harry, I'm… I'm…"

"Show me." He states against her skin. "Come on, Cass. Show me how good I'm making you feel!"

His way with words is impeccable, because his statement, along with him moaning her name, sends her over the edge. The pleasure of her orgasm ripples through her entire body, feeling better than any she's had before.

"Harry! Oh god!"

He thrusts up even harder and faster, grunting with every motion as he stares down to where their bodies meet.

As she catches her breath, she kisses along his shoulder, up his neck, and nibbles at his earlobe. She feels him squeeze her hips tighter and smiles as she feels his body tense.

"Fuck! Cassidy!" He exclaims, slamming into her one more time before she feels him throbbing inside of her.

His head drops backwards to the couch, and her face nuzzles into his neck, as they both come down from their high. Panting is the only sound left in the now quiet room.

"Wanna stay the night again?" Harry chuckles, and Cassidy is suddenly brought back to the realization that she just had sex, for a second time, with Harry. Her biggest annoyance, Harry. Gemma's brother, Harry. A member of One Direction, Harry Styles.

She feels his hands gently rubbing up and down her arms, snapping her back to the present, just enough for her to realize that her breathing has become shallow again.

Because sitting on top of Harry, with his cock still inside her, after amazing sex, is the perfect time for an anxiety attack.

"Hey… Cass…" He whispers, taking her chin with one hand and directing her to look at him. "Y'alright?"

A deep frown forms on his face as his eyes flicker all over hers. She's unsure if she's ever seen that expression on him before. It's always been one of mischief, because that's who he is. Not this.

She feels so stupid. And embarrassed. She isn't better than any other girl that has or will drop their pants at the sight of his seductive smirk, or his entrancing gaze, or his overwhelmingly thick charm. In fact, she's worse, because she actually knows better. She knows him, how he teases and tortures her, how his arrogance alone could be the fifth member of One Direction now. She knows how he figures he can win over any girl he wants, and that he actually does most of the time. She knows better than to be that girl. Except, she's not.

"CJ!" She is pulled out of her thoughts by the nickname. He's never called her that before. Only the closest people in her life ever use it- her own mum, Gemma, and Anne. Never once has Harry. Because they've never been that close. But now that he's been inside of her, he thinks he knows her that well?

"Cassidy… look at me." His finger moves her face again, finally grabbing her full attention, even though it's through blurred vision from the sudden lightheadedness. "Breathe with me, yeah? Inhale for ten. Then exhale for ten."

He may think he knows her now but she definitely doesn't feel like she knows him anymore. Concerned? Caring? It's not how she knows him, but she acknowledges it's how she needs him right now, so she breathes with him.

"... and exhale for ten." He utters, his eyes still fixed on hers as they breathe out together, one hand on her back and one tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Better?"

She gives a quick nod before abruptly standing up, causing them both to hiss at the sensitive motion. Her breath may be steady but her thoughts are not. Everything feels so complicated and uncertain. She hates not knowing what's going on, she hates feeling out of control. She's had enough of that in her life already.

She gathers her clothes and redresses quickly, avoiding any eye contact as Harry does the same, almost in a panic himself.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks quietly, arriving at her side as she attempts to move to the door.

"Umm… yeah." She manages. "I'm just gonna go."

"You don't have to." He replies, reaching out and gently grabbing the hand that's not holding the door handle. "Please stay."

"I don't think-"

"I'd…" He runs his free hand through his hair, and displays another expression she has never seen before. If she could clear her head, she might be able to decipher whether it actually is what it looks like. Because it looks timid, and almost insecure. "I'd feel better if you stayed. Just so I know you're okay."

"I'm fine Harry." She replies, flickering her gaze up for a moment in an attempt to persuade him.

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong…"

If her brain wasn't swirling enough, his sudden change in demeanor is not helping in the least.

"No. I just… I think it's better if… I just go." She mumbles. He softly squeezes the hand in his hold and leans down to place a kiss on her cheek, sending more sparks throughout her body and more thoughts to swirl around her head. She opens the door and walks out, turning around before it comes to a close, and being met with a solemn expression. "Goodnight, Harry."

•••

A knock on the door late at night would've normally woken her up, but tonight she has had no sleep. After leaving Harry's room, and arriving at her own, she almost wished she were with him again as she felt another anxiety attack threaten to appear.

A shower and change of clothes helped to calm her, but not calm her enough, so she was able to hop right out of bed when she heard a subtle, rhythmic noise on the hotel door.

She cautiously cracks it open, considering the time of night. Or morning at this point.

A figure, adorned with a hoodie and shorts, leans with one hand against the doorframe. He lifts his head slowly, tired eyes clearly visible even through her own sleepy vision.

"I couldn't sleep." Harry mumbles. "M'sorry. I needed to know you were okay."

Her heart flutters, even with all the knowledge she has of how he normally is, the concern was too flattering to ignore. She reaches for his hand and walks backwards, pulling him inside her room. The door closes behind them and she walks him to her bed, lifting the covers so they can both slide in. It's not the first time they've slept in the same room. Every time she stayed the night for a sleepover with Gemma, he had found a way and a reason to sneak down there. Most of the time, it was to execute a practical joke. But there were a few times they had awoken to him sleeping on the couch across from them in the living room.

Plus, she stayed with him the last time they had sex.

As they both settle in, she feels a warm arm rest across her waist, and she scoots back to nestle into his frame. For the first time that night, since getting back to her room, she felt some peace, as well as her eyes becoming heavy with sleep.

•••

Cassidy blinks awake as the room becomes a shade brighter, and looks over to find an empty spot next to her. She shouldn't be surprised, and she isn't, but that doesn't stop a mild amount of disappointment from creeping in.

That is until she registers the shower turning off. Harry is still there? Harry is still there.

The bathroom door opens and she props herself up to see his tall, toned, and tattooed body half wrapped in a towel, with his hair styled up in a bun.

"Morning." He states with a smirk, probably noticing the way her eyes travel up and down his frame. "Sleep well?"

The shock in her system prevents words from forming, but still functions well enough to respond with a nod.

"Good."

"W-what are you-"

"I ordered breakfast. My shout, don't worry. Hopefully you still like crepes."

Her brain is still having a hard time processing the fact that he didn't just leave. Not only has he stayed and ordered breakfast, but he ordered something she used to eat with his family years ago, before his journey to fame even began.

"Yeah, I do. Thanks."

"No problem." He replies, walking over to the bag he brought the night before, and rifling through before pulling out some sweats and a shirt.

"Harry… what are you still doing here?"

He turns around to face her, a clear frown on his face, as if offended by her question. It shouldn't be unreasonable for her to wonder. He's sure to have had plenty of one night stands before, and usually those don't include breakfast the next morning.

"I couldn't just leave you. That'd be rude."

Cassidy's head drops with a bit of guilt for questioning him, though she still does feel a little justified considering his reputation. But the fact that he is still standing in her room causes another flutter and she pushes away her assumptions.

She opens her mouth, not exactly sure what she wants to say, but is interrupted by a knock on the door. She sits up on the bed, bringing her knees to her chest, as Harry opens the door and wheels in a food cart.

"I know you don't have a proper table…" He states, wheeling the cart to the edge of the bed and patting the mattress for her to scoot up there. "But I figured this might work."

She bites her bottom lip, unintentionally, and moves to sit next to him. He removes the lids from the plates and takes a bow.

"Bonjour!" He exclaims, in his best attempt at a fake French accent. Cassidy lets out a giggle, thankful she didn't already have a bite of food in her mouth.

"I think you mean… bon appetit!"

"That's what I said." He smirks, taking a seat next to her on the bed. "Bon appetit."

•••

The TV becomes background noise throughout their breakfast. Much to Cassidy's surprise, Harry quickly initiated conversation, and it was easy to talk to him. Even more to her surprise, she liked it. They talked about many of the things she and Gemma have talked about over the years. They talked like friends.

"Nope, never been to New York. I've never even been further than London!"

"Really?"

"My parents… don't exactly travel. Only my dad, for work." She shakes her head, dropping it a little before covering up her sadness with a smile. "Maybe one day I'll get there."

"You've already got the look." He chuckles, his gaze dropping to her lips.

"What?"

"You've got a little…" He brushes his finger under his nose, but she shakes her head, not understanding. He brings his thumb up to her cupid's bow, gently rubbing it along her skin, and causing a spark to run over her skin. "Got a little white powder under your nose."

"Oh my god!" She lets out in a breathy laugh, her lungs still regaining their function after the surprise of his gesture. She stands to reach across the food cart for a napkin, but stops when she feels his hand wrapping around hers.

She faces him and gazes into his gentle green eyes. She's never seen the speckles of different shades laced throughout them before. He pulls her close, her body between his legs, and brings his palm up to run his thumb against her cheek. He gathers up the remaining sugar and brings his thumb to his mouth, sticking out his tongue to slowly lick it off.

"You forgot a bit." He whispers. Everything he has just done makes her heated and dizzy. She bites her lower lip, caving again. She doesn't want to admit it, but she can understand how girls fall for him so easily. Apparently, she's no exception, and she's not about to start dissecting all of that right now. No, right now she wants to cave even more.

Her hands come up to cup his own cheeks, and she moves forward, leaning down and stopping in front of his lips.

"You're gonna pay for that." She whispers back, pressing their lips together the most minimal amount before pulling back.

Harry runs his tongue along the inside of his cheek, and grabs her hips to pull her in even closer. He lets out a low growl, sending shivers down her spine and the building heat to rush to her core.

His hands slowly glide up to her waist, and as he begins to tug her onto his lap, a knock sounds at the door with a loud statement of his name.

"For fucks sake." He grumbles, letting out a heavy exhale through his nose. He squeezes her waist, having her step back so he can stand up. His breath hits her face and eyes flicker to her lips. Then another knock.

"Alright!" He shouts towards the door, turning back to her with a frown on his face. Not anger, but disappointment. "I'll, umm, see you at Christmas, yeah?"

She smiles. Every Christmas morning is spent at her house, but the afternoon and evenings are spent at the Styles household. It's always where she would rather to be, and this year is no different. She tries not to entertain the thought that it might be even more this year.

"Would never miss it." She replies, matching the sudden grin that appears on his face.

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

So, she wasn't stupid once, she was stupid twice. She let her guard down, she pushed aside every single moment that he had frustrated or pestered her during the many years they have known each other, and she let her body make all the decisions.

She hears the cheers from the crowd and tilts her head down from the upper level where she stands, to view the stage, seeing Harry walk out and give a little wave before grabbing his guitar.

Seeing him, after all this time, causes a storm of emotions so strong that it almost causes her to stumble. His hair is different, and his clothing style is different, but it is still Harry. The smug, self-centered Harry that flustered and frustrated her more than anyone else. The Harry that charmed his way into bed with her. Twice. But worst of all, due to the stupidest and most dangerous thing she did with him, he is the Harry that she allowed to charm his way into her heart too. Which means, he is also the Harry who left her feeling like a fool.

[ flashback - Dec 2015 ]

Christmas morning always comes with mixed emotions. The usual ones coming from her own family- from some nice quiet time with her mum in the morning to her father's obnoxious behavior after a few splashes of whiskey are added to his coffee. Those are normal, and unfortunately, expected.

The other ones, the new ones, are coming from the anticipation of what the afternoon with the Styles will look like. She and Harry haven't talked since he left that morning from her hotel room. Eleven days, but she won't admit she has been counting.

"Where the hell you goin?" Cassidy's dad asks, words already a little slurred. She rolls her eyes as her back is turned to him, under the disguise of simply grabbing her coat from the rack near the front door.

"To the Styles house."

"They seem like good people."

Taken back by his complimentary comment, she looks over to her dad. "Yeah. They are."

"M'surprised they let you over then. Better than you being here 'nnoying me though…"

There it is. His true nature. The reason she hates being at home and finds refuge at her best friend's house. That place never fails her.

She simply replies with a scoff as she exits the door, not even bothered by the sharp cold that hits her immediately. And thankfully, she's only walking a block away.

•••

"Crashing our Christmas again?" Harry asks as she walks into the kitchen of the Styles home. She rolls her eyes at the typical Harry statement. She can't tell if she is relieved at the normalcy or a bit put off by everything being brushed off.

"Yeah, well, you're never home, so someone has to fill that 'second child' spot." She quips back, noticing a subtle smirk appear on his face as she walks closer to grab a glass of water.

She takes a sip, and sees Harry scanning the room, before leaning down to her ear. His warm breath on her skin causes her stomach to tighten from nervousness.

"Maybe there's another spot I can fill."

Cassidy throws her hand over her mouth to stop spitting everything out across the kitchen counter, trying to also hold back a cough from the shock of such a tantilizating statement.

"Piss off, Harry."

"Aww, come on, it's the season of giving!" He chuckles, low and deep, teasing and mischievous.

"Give it to someone else." She instantly replies, unintentionally out of her instinct to squabble with him. Regret covers her as his brow furrows and he stands up straighter, all flirtatious demeanor having immediately disappeared. "Sorry, I-"

"I was only teasing, Cass. Like usual." He brushes past her and heads to the living room, where everyone else is gathered.

That response really wasn't intentional. It was how she was used to acting around him. Well, before the nights spent together at the after parties. She isn't entirely sure what her plan was when she came over, or what exactly her feelings are, but if things have gone back to normal for him, then that's where it ends. Whether she wants it that way or not.

She sighs and joins the rest of the group, giving Anne and Robin hugs before taking the only empty spot to sit. Of course, it's right next to Harry, and with the way these things usually go, that's where she'll be for most of the night.

•••

After a few rounds of playing 'Family Feud: Home Edition', which Cassidy, Harry, and Robin won, it's time for the wonderful feast Anne has prepared.

That's what Robin calls it at least. In reality, it's a few homemade pizzas, but she'd consider anything a luxury while she's there. Plus, they really are delicious.

"Are you doing anything extravagant for New Year's Eve?" She asks Anne.

"Actually, yes, we've been invited to go along with Harry on a yacht to… somewhere tropical…" She replies, lifting her shoulders and smiling with excitement.

"St. Barts." Harry adds with a mumble, his eyes and fingers suddenly infatuated with the toppings on his pizza.

"That sounds lovely! Who invited you?"

"Kris Jenner. And… Kendall will be there too, right Harry?" Anne asks.

She can just make out Harry's quick glance over in her direction, out of the corner of her own eye.

"Yeah." He replies.

Her chest begins to tighten a little. She knows who Kendall is, of course. She's beautiful, and famous, and is rumoured to have been dating Harry at one point. She isn't sure if that's totally accurate, but either way, she knows their families are close.

"Well… it sounds fun." She replies, giving her best attempt at a genuine smile as Harry glances more obviously towards her.

"Speaking of New Year's Eve, CJ…" Gemma states, catching the attention of the both of them. "Michal and I aren't going on that trip. We're thinking of going to a big bash with some other friends. Want to come?"

"Oh, umm… I was kind of planning to just bunker down at home, to be honest."

She notices a small smile appear on Harry's face, as if he's pleased she won't be mingling with others. As if he has the right to feel that way. There's the arrogance she's used to.

"You know… that guy you met… Nathan? I guess he's been asking about you." Michal states, and she could swear she hears Harry groan.

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. Heard it through a friend of a friend. And he's going to be there…" Michal replies, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

"Just come with us. At the very least, you can hang out with us and won't be home alone at your house."

Gemma does make a good point. Cassidy's parents usually go out with their own friends, and of course her dad comes home extremely drunk. She could avoid those next few hours that he fumbles around the house yelling, and get home once he's asleep.

"Okay, okay. I'll go." She agrees.

Harry chuckles quietly and shakes his head, getting up from his spot to head to the kitchen. He's back to his normal, annoying self.

Everyone begins to chat among themselves, so Cassidy takes the pause in activities to use the restroom.

Before the door is closed completely, it stops, and is pulled back open for her to see Harry standing on the other side.

"What's your problem with me using the fucking toilet?" She asks, frustratedly.

He exhales a strong breath from his nose, his expression stern, causing her nerves to peek. She's astonished that her new reaction to him is so intensely physical.

His eyes flicker down to her lips, letting out another strong exhale, and sending a heat to her cheeks. He leans closer and she closes her eyes, not even thinking before preparing herself for a kiss.

"Oh god, is there a line for the toilet?" She hears from the hallway, and they both look over to see Gemma there with her hands on her hips. "I'll use the one upstairs!"

She walks away and Harry looks back at Cassidy.

"I have to use the toilet." She whispers, dropping her gaze to the ground.

He doesn't respond. Simply scoffs, stands up straighter, and walks off.

After doing her business, she opens the door back up, partially expecting Harry to be there waiting to continue their conversation. If it could be called that. But he wasn't there. She walks to the living to rejoin the group and sees Harry back in his spot on the couch, pressed up against the armrest he's been next to.

She sits down again, turning towards the television, as their next tradition begins. Watching 'Love Actually'.

An actual shiver runs over her skin and she looks around for an extra blanket, only to find that there are none left. She sighs softly, but looks to her side as she hears Harry clear his throat. She meets his gaze, now much more gentle, and he motions for her to share his. It's big enough to stretch across both of their laps, so she grabs the half that he offers and whispers a 'thank you' to him.

She turns back to the movie and feels a tug on the fabric. She looks back to Harry and notices him pulling the blanket gently back towards himself with a smile. Of course he wants it back. Playing a practical joke. Selfish prick. She frowns and begins to hand it over, but he shakes his head.

"Scoot over a bit if you need to." He whispers. She fails to hold back from biting her lower lip, and is unable to prevent the blush rushing to cover her face. She moves the minimal amount to stay undetected by others, and he readjusts the blanket to fully cover them both.

Just as she settles in, Harry scoots even further towards the armrest, putting the distance she had just removed back between them, but still allowing her some extra covering on her lap.

This guy is annoying and confusing and she hates it. At least everything else is comfortable. She's always felt that way there.

•••

The first thing Cassidy notices is the loud noises of laughter filling the room. The second, after multiple blinks of her eyelids, is an episode of Friends playing across from her. And then she senses a dark, sultry fragrance close by.

She turns her head to see Harry, his eyes fixated on the show, half of a smile across his face, and his green eyes glimmering from the reflection off of the television.

She's curled up into his chest, his arm is resting behind her, and his fingers are gently stroking her shoulder. Shocking herself, she realizes she likes it. Really likes it. And even debates pretending that she is still asleep so that she can enjoy it even more, even longer.

"You're staring." He mutters, eyes still directed away from her. Her breath leaves her body, as if completely knocked out of her. She doesn't even know how long she has been looking at him, not that she necessarily regrets it, but now that she is caught, she feels embarrassed. And vulnerable.

"Because you have pizza sauce on your face."

He doesn't.

"Well…" He finally turns to her, eyes regaining the lustful undertone that she's seen a few times before. "Are you gonna get it off?"

If it was actually there, yes. Yes, she would.

"You can pick how you do it…" He adds, his famous dimple sinking in deeply with the extreme smirk he's displaying.

"Do it yourself."

"That's not as much fun." His tongue runs along the inside of his mouth, and she realizes his fingers are still grazing her skin, maybe with a little more pressure now.

"You're obnoxious."

"Maybe. But you didn't seem to mind when you were cuddling me."

"I was asleep."

"You were playing with my hair." He licks his lips and his eyes quickly dart down to hers momentarily.

"Well…" She takes a deep breath. "I'll admit, just this once, that you do have good hair…"

He smirks, quickly peering down to her lips again, and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

She tries to gulp down the lump in her throat, becoming less and less able to compose herself and keep her guard up around him. How did she stand her ground for so long, and why is it all of a sudden crumbling so easily, out of her control?

He suddenly straightens up, dropping his hand and pulling back his arm. She doesn't have to wait long to discover why, as she hears footsteps coming from the other room. She immediately scoots back from him and shoots her head towards the sound, seeing her best friend walk in from around the corner.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty!" She chuckles, looking over in Cassidy's direction, hopefully not seeing her fidgeting and accumulating a small amount of sweat on her forehead. "Are you gonna stay the night?"

"Oh. I… umm…" She quickly looks over to Harry, an unreadable expression across his face. It's not exactly helpful.

"You can take my room… if you want…" He suggests, letting her feel some relief from not having an answer. And then she feels flustered, like she has plenty of times with him, especially recently. Relief, flustered, and then very aware that Gemma is standing in the kitchen waiting for an answer.

"Thank you." She meets Gemma's mildly confused and curious gaze, bringing Cassidy back to the reality of what this situation is.

Gemma is her best friend, and Harry's sister. And Harry isn't just Harry. He is Harry Styles of One Direction. He has a busy and extravagant life. He most likely, and unfortunately, has girls across the globe. He is beautiful, and desirable. And she is just Cassidy. The girl he grew up with, who was always hanging around his house. The girl he bugged and pestered constantly. The girl he played mind games with by pretending to flirt with her, just to be annoying. And probably, also, just his hometown hookup.

"But… I think I should get home."

"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow, and give you more details about that party."

For the second time since she's been there, Harry groans over the subject of her attending that New Year's Eve party.

Gemma walks out and Cassidy turns back to Harry. His gaze has dropped and his expression has turned down along with it.

"You sure you don't wanna stay?" He mutters, a sincere look in his eyes.

"I… yeah, I don't want my mum to worry." She sighs. She'll call it self-preservation, running home right now. Ironically, that's the one place she usually runs from.

"At least let me walk you back."

She nods, sitting there a few seconds longer to gaze at him, before getting up from the couch and gathering her belongings.

Harry helps her put on her coat, and does the same, then ushers her outside into the cold. This time, for Cassidy, the bite of the air isn't a relief like it was when she exited her own home.

"So… umm…" Harry starts as the begin to walk, his arms across his chest to keep himself warm, her own body doing the same thing. "You're, umm, working for POPSUGAR now, right?"

"Yeah. Junior writer." She simply replies. It's not exactly the biggest thing to brag about. Especially not to him. Plus, Gemma was a reference, so she's sure that helped her get the job.

"Is it local?" He asks quietly, turning to make eye contact.

"Umm… yeah. Well, I mean, I go to London a few times a month for meetings, but I mostly write from home."

She notices him pull his lips inward, seemingly to hide a smile, which he is failing at.

"That's awesome." He clears his throat. "I'll be 'round here for a bit, and a friend is planning a birthday party for me next month. Maybe… we can hang out sometime?"

Her heart skips a beat and her thoughts begin to race. This is so confusing, he is so confusing. She honestly never thought she'd be in this situation. She actually told herself she never would be. It's Harry, for crying out loud. But here she is, feeling a small flutter of butterflies in her stomach at his suggestion of seeing her again. But it's also complicated. Again, it's Harry. Enough said.

"Umm… maybe." That's about as good of an answer as she can give at the moment.

They reach the front door of her parent's house, and she turns her body to face his, her eyes only flickering up for a few seconds to catch a couple glimpses of him.

"Hm." He responds, picking at his lower lip. "Was kind of hoping for more than a maybe."

"I just don't know."

"Is it because of your New Year's Eve plans?"

"What? No. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, because you're going on a date."

"It's not a date. It's just a party. And why do you care? You're going on vacation with a supermodel…" Frustration begins to build.

"Our families are just spending time together. Plus, those plans were made before we-"

He points to her but goes silent, instantly dropping his hand. Her anxiety peaks and her eyes go wide. Would he not have gone if it wasn't already scheduled? Because of her? No. First of all, choosing her over Kendall fucking Jenner is a ridiculous thought. And besides, two hookups doesn't mean he's suddenly interested in her, at least not in any capacity that has more significance than sex. And if it does, it's probably not possible to indulge in. Gemma would probably flip! It would be too weird and she couldn't do that to her best friend. It keeps coming back to all of that. So as much as she may want to even entertain the idea, it's probably not a good one.

Even if she does want it to be more, he is Harry Styles. And that comes with so many implications and complications on its own. For fucks sake, she doesn't even know how he feels about her.

"Tell me why you don't want to." He interrupts her thoughts, catching her so off guard that she doesn't have a good enough answer for him.

"I don't know… I don't know what you want from me…"

"I just want to hang out!"

"Why?"

"Really? Are you-... Bloody hell, this is exhausting! Nevermind!" He pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. His eyes snap up to hers and she's met with a deep, intense frown. "Have fun at the fucking party, Cass."

She turns away and grabs the door handle. A sigh comes from behind her so she swivels back around. Her own frown is met by his. "And have fun on your fucking vacation."

[ flashback - Jan 2016 ]

Sitting at the large table, waiting for the office meeting to start, someone takes the seat next to Cassidy with a beaming smile.

"What's going on?" She chuckles, looking down at the papers in her coworker Roxie's hands.

"I'm buzzing! I got assigned an amazing story to cover!" She exclaims, practically bouncing in her chair. "You're friends with Harry Styles, right?"

Her heart stops. Or is it racing? She's not even able to fully comprehend her reaction, because all she can focus on is what Roxie could possibly have written about.

"Sort of. Sure… why?"

The article is placed on the table, right in front of her. She tries to quickly skim it over, attempting to gather the important information, but her vision quickly becomes blurry. She doesn't need to read the entire article. The headline tells her everything she needs to know.

HARRY STYLES AND KENDALL JENNER GET COZY ON A YACHT

Series Masterlist

•••

If you like what I post, and want to just send some extra support, I have a ko-fi account. Even the smallest amount is greatly appreciated. There is no obligation or expectation to donate, because I am honestly just so grateful that you're here! 💗 Bee xx

•••

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[ashtraythief]

Hey! So ive been a long time reader of ur underneath verse (since like.. 2018? Maybe even 2017?) and i just wanted to drop by and tell u how much im enjoying rereading ur writing! Like in general i think this is one of my fav fics series just bc its so extensive and well done and thought out and fleshed out so well it works so well? Like seeing all the different angles and the way u choose to frame things is really fun for me and kinda inspires my own writing in some aspects.

Ive never read the whole thing all in one go before so ive decided to do that right now and im just about done with the pied pipers song - more specifically willys chapter. And i kinda needed to let u know that ur series really stands out to me just bc of how many glimpses into other characters and all these different povs of the same thing like on it stands out on a technical level but then ur actual writing of these things is so good and compelling and like as an outsider pov bitch it hits the spot for me so well? Like ur writing is never stale and its always interesting.

I specifically wanted to take this time to mention that i really love willy and winstons characters and how u went about it. Like im ngl the way u wrote them kinda makes me want to cry tears of happiness for them bc they have found ppl who appreciate them and they have connections with other ppl but then the bittersweet tang of jensen and willy is kinda fucking me up rn /pos djjdjdjd like in general u really do the bittersweet jensen is stuck undercover angle really well and it HURTS so good

But yes i dont really have a good concise message or comment to leave beyond the fact that i keep stopping every few sentences to get up and jump bc im so excited about what im reading i need to get rid of that excess energy lol so sorry if this is all over the place and a really messy message! I just really wanted to let u know how much im enjoying reading it all rn. Thank you so much for sharing ur writing with us and for continuing to write for this series its so fun!

omg nonnie, I'm kinda speechless here (this is the second wonderful message in two days so I'm kinda overwhelmed. is it send wonderful messages week somewhere??)

I just am so grateful and this message made me so happy. never apologize for maybe not having a five point outline lol, this is amazing.

The underneath verse has always been my fandom baby, so praise for it is already amazing, but the pied piper fic and Winston and Willy epsecially, it just makes my heart so full. Ten years ago, they definitely started out as stock characters of mob drivers, because I didn't think this fic would get so big, but then it did, and Willy especially became a real character. a) because I knew he'd fall in love with Jensen too, as anyone does really and b) because I looooove the bittersweet undercover Jensen shtick where I write from other character's POV and the reader knows how wrong they're getting it but they don't *mu har har* (yeah I'm a little mean sometime. sorry?)

but in all seriousness, the Willy chapter, I'ev been working on that for months. And I kept adding things and rewriting things and trying to get it perfect even though I know that most people who read the story mostly care about Jared and Jensen (which is totally fair and understandable), but I care about him and there are a few people out there who do too (and I love you for it, so much), but with Willy, I just wante to do this /right/. I've come to love him so much, and he's come to be so important to Jensen, it felt like he and Winston really deserve their own story told even though that's kind of ridiculous because they're not real, but they're a little real to me now. All this to say, nonnie, this comment and your appreciation of Willy means so fucking much to me. And my poor alpha reader who read like four drafts of this (seriously, M. is a saint) and my beta readers who then had to beta four iterations of this. To know that this effort is appreciated this much honestly make me cry a little (I am not having the greatest time right now, so I cry easily but the point still stands. Thank you.)

This message was actually such an energy boost I'm currently trying to fix the next timestamp, lol so I'll have something to post next month. You're a true treasure, nonnie <3

[i-am-beckyu]

To Fly Once More

HI GUYS!!! LOOK AT ME!!! TWO FICS WITHIN THE SAME WEEK?! HELLO!? So super super short one and definitely not with characters you thought you’d be reading about today so WOOOO FOR SURPRISES! Literally just wanted to write this even if its a bit generic so hope you all enjoy!!!

cw: past trauma, minor gore details (ripped wing), fluff, minor romance, happy endings. She’s just fluff peeps. Just fluff :3

 wc: 1391

Phil hasn't been able to fly for a long time. 

 His wing was badly injured to the point it was beyond repair. Trying to adjust for survival had been the worst experience of his life. As they say:

 A downed bird is a dead bird. 

 But Phil was more than just his avian roots. 

 He'd survive.

 Even if it meant stealing from humans, he'd make it. 

 Humans were terrifying. They were greedy, selfish but above all unpredictable; but when he’d had his wings, the adrenaline rush of living so close to them had been thrilling. While he’d had his wings, he’d flown from his humble forest abode, to the small neighbourhood of Essempi street, watching and getting to know its residents.

 There were these 3 roommates at the east end of Essempi that would always be rough housing whenever given the chance at one end, with a boy who loved to dress in a flourish of rainbow colours and hoodies that hung out with the fiery one a lot next door. Across the street, a man known for his expertise in gambling and iconic blue beanie. He liked to pinch whatever shiny items he could when they did outdoor poker night. Which was funny when they’d get accused for cheating (because they had been, just not with the shinies :)

 At the opposite end, a pink haired girl and a white haired one lived together, their home always emitting heavenly smells of home baked goods. And across the street from them, a man who wore blue and red shades that would often be around stealing taste testing the pies. Phil tried to only ever take what he would need from them, but sometimes he couldn’t help but take a whole cupcake.

 And then of course there was the middle of the street, which homed 3 rather loud occupants and their mother.

 The brunette was the most talented musician he’d ever heard, the pinkette skilled in the art of the sword in a way that he himself would never match with his needle, and the youngest of the 3 was wild blonde child, who's energy and clingy nature made him endearing despite their loudness.

 But his favourite was the mother.

 Hair a dark brown and looked as soft as clouds, dressed in purples that accentuated her warm hazel eyes and a kindness that could rival no other, Phil loved her. Unlike her 3 sons, she was gentle and cared for those around her with such grace. Out of every human on the street of Essempi, Kristen was the only one he would ever feel at ease with. 

 And the only human that knew of his existence.

 While the rest of the street of Essempi were aware of ‘something’ that would take their belongings, Kristen was the only one who knew what it was that had; the human happening to catch a glance at him in her garden one day.

 She’d never chased him, or demanded he show himself, simply talked and offered him a bite to eat before he went on his way. And Phil had accepted the offer. Albeit it from a distance, but Kristen met her little black bird, and Phil his human giant.

 It became routine.

 Every Tuesday, in the mid morning sun, Kristen would go out to her garden with a small plate and set it on one of the lower branches of the tree for Phil to perch. With her 3 boys at school, the two would chat and bask in each other's company, speaking of whatever came to mind. Kristen sharing of her work and boys, and Phil sharing of his day to day life in the forest and around Essempi street.

Or they had, until that fateful day. 

He’d been attacked by a falcon and in his attempt to break free, had his right wing in shred in half, leaving feathers askew, bones exposed and blood gushing as he plummeted down to earth for his demise.

 Somehow he’d managed to survive, his memory from being in the air and between just immense pain was all but a blur, but he had lived.

 But to continue living? How would that be so?

 He came to Essempi Street for supplies and the rush to not get caught, but he lived far off in the forest, through dense foliage and over rivers. And he had nose dived into a ditch, on the outskirts where the forest met the quaint street.

 To journey home in his current state would spell imminent death.

So he took his only option, and moved into the garden of his favourite residents.

 That first week had been agonisingly painful. Adjusting to not only getting around on foot, but coming to the realisation he would never fly again. It had been his whole life, his freedom, and now what was left of his wings was but a heavy reminder of the life he’d led. Getting food became even harder, resulting in him taking far more than he would normally from the humans’ garden just to avoid over exerting energy to get there.

 He was in so much pain, it wouldn’t be long before he either died from the poor job at patching his wing, or from some wild animal getting themselves a free meal. He was sure he was done for.

Until Kristin had found him. 

The human had been worried about him when he’d missed their usual catch up, but figured he may have been busy. That was until she found the small scattered feathers and trails of dried blood a few days later, leading to a hole inside the garden shed where she had inevitably found the small avian, curled up in a sorry excuse for a nest in his broken state.

 She was the one who had taken him into her home and patched him up. 

 She was the one who gave him a new chance at life.

 And she was the one giving him the chance to fly again.

 “Are you sure this will be okay?” He’d asked hesitantly. 

 It had been almost a year since that fateful day and Phil now knew the Crafts through and through. Wilbur, Technoblade and Tommy had been infatuated with the small avian and quickly he and the 3 boys were acting as if they’d known him their whole life. 

 And Kristin? The two had fallen for each other, and their relationship had only blossomed. She was the first human he had ever fully willingly gone to and been touched by. The first he ever allowed to get so close and know about his whole world. A world that had become the entire human womans being. A bond formed of love and trust. Which led to now, an act of kindness that the love of his life had been planning for months.

He was going to fly again.

Though this was his deepest desire, the phantom feeling of talons ripping his wings to have him falling to his doom ached at his back.

 “I’ve been designing this and practicing for months Phil.” Kristen spoke softly. “I promise it will be fine and even if it's not, I’ll be here to catch you.”

 Phil smiled up at the human from where he sat in her cupped hand. Kristen would never let him fall.

 “Are you ready my love?” 

Phil took a deep breath and nodded, a strong conviction in his gaze.

“Let's do this.” 

Kristen slowly maneuvered Phil into the small seat and placed the little harness over himself. Kristen gently placed the carrier down and walked forward and away from Phil holding a thin piece of string.

“Hold on tight.”

As Kristen ran forward, Phil gripped the carrier, eyes squeezed tightly shut, as he felt the whole thing lift up and into the air. Air rushed around him and he could feel the shift as he went up higher and higher.

“YOU DID IT PHIL! YOU DID IT!!” Kristen called from somewhere down below.

Hesitantly, he peaked an eye open before opening both wide in awe. 

 He was high above the ground, clouds almost in reach as he glided across the sky in his carrier kite.

 He laughed, joyful tears beginning to slowly trail down his face as he slowly lifted his arms from the carrier to spread them out wide in delight.

 He was flying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And bada bing bada boom! All done! See? Fluffy!!!

Thanks for reading to the end and I hope you enjoyed! Really liked writing this one and I can’t believe I wrote this at work. Like seriously, I love this job so much already and its only been 3 days!!!

Not sure when the next fic will be out but if you’ve seen my blog, you may have seen the an announcement about a fic on the way. What could it be? Who knows... 👀

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @local-squishmallow  @brick-a-doodle-do @justarandomsloth @veryfunkycheesecake @munchkin1156 @kayla-crazy-stuffs @da3dm @eiscreme135 @orchid-harmony @the-tiny-lurker

Love all my tagged so much 🍭❤️🍭❤️🍭❤️ Don’t want to miss the next story? Comment on the Tag list here

[bedeliabestiebracket]

Propaganda below

Columbo

They both have autistic swag to me, an autistic person. He also has dad vibes. I’m honestly just intrigued by the idea

Dean Winchester

"Dean is an idiot dork trapped inside layers of murder and butt hurt, Amelia Bedelia is an intelligent yet also idiot dork hidden inside a cage of incompetence. She also bakes damn god pie.

Imagine: Dean stumbles across Ms. Bedelia in some sort of trial prospected by God. He thinks her an omen or possessed= who'd blame him? She'd be killing masses of birds with well aimed stones, always two at once. Giving an arm and a leg to the local car dealerships- he's ready to kill her. Fires pure silver bullets at her, and she fucking bites them. He doesn't know what she is.

""Your a loose cannon!"" He yells at her. Amelia gets this look in her eye, drags Dean behind her as she heads home.

""Loose cannon.."" She mumbles repeatedly. ""Loose cannon..""

Dean gets it, he understands now.

""Now, ma'am- maybe you should just.. I don't know, hit the road?"" Amelia looks down at the street- she goes faral. Scratching and slaming punches at the ground, Dean out her grasp, and tackles her.

Anyway, shenanigans- He's got her chained up in her motel room and Dean searches for hex bags.

A slight bitterness fills the air.

""My pie!"" Amelia Bedelia screams, ""Please for the sake of mercy- save my pie!""

""Pie?"" Dean looks up sharply from half crouched under the bed. He runs to the oven- pulls out the most beautiful pie he has ever seen.

He licks his lips nervously.

""This ain't poisoned, right?""

""It was meant for poor Mr. Rogers."" Amelia sobs. ""He- he called me 'Drop dead gorgeous."" Thick tears stroll down her cheeks.

""He grabbed his chest- and just... went down.""

She looks up as Dean sharply. ""Please, please I don't know why this happens to me.""

Dean strolls over, looking down at her. ""What's your name?""

""Amelia, Amelia Bedelia.""

Dean smirks. ""Tell you what Amelia, I'll figure out how to stop this.""

""Really?""

""Yeah.. It's kinda my job."" He winks at her.

""Now about this pie.""

After that first slice, Dean new he had to keep her around. She's kept safely in the bunker, making the best pies. Takes a bit of time for Team Free WIll to get used to not using expressions- but it's worth it for the pie."

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz

They could be evil together. I feel like Amelia should do crimes

Same energy, would make great pals.

[danielforshort]

I'm actually so physically exhausted from work this week, which is incredible as I do not have a physically demanding job.

My team ran our first MRIs without the PI present!! And when I say my team I mean me and one other person!!!! I was so terrified as I felt really unsure of myself and incompetent at what was expected of me. I realised later a lot of that was because I did not have concrete steps/goals/expectations of what to do.

I sat down before the MRI days and wrote out a list of the tasks that needed to be done for the appointment (consenting a participant, opening different programs for the scan, etc) and sent it to my PI for review. I also gathered all the different scripts to put together a super easy to access way of guiding myself through an appointment. That calmed so much of my anxiety.

Unfortunately I didn't get to that till later in the day and I stressed myself out so much that I got a stress migraine and spiraled into an OCD loop for almost all of Monday. It sucks to lose so much time and energy to my illnesses.

The MRI appointments went really well and I think most importantly (for me) I felt confident and mentally present during the whole appointment. I wasn't overwhelmed or scared I wasn't doing the right thing.

Huge takeaway: I need to remember (and remind my team mates) that being autistic is a disability. I need accommodations to present me with the exact steps/expectations of me in order to keep myself regulated. We work with the autistic community in our research, so we do a lot of scaffolding and work to make sure all of our participants feel comfortable and know what is expected of them. Yet I forgot to do the same for myself!

I'm going to keep this in mind when I have my next one on one meeting with my PI next week. A huge drawback of being late-diagnosed and never receiving official accommodations is that I have to figure it all out on my own. I can tell when I'm distressed but I don't always know how to fix that/accommodate myself. My PI even asked (because I was really open with how anxious I was about running these MRIs without her) how to best support me/lessen the anxiety. I didn't have an answer.

Now I know that I was so distressed partially because I did not understand what was expected of me, and I can work on making sure that I am accommodated for that. But this can't only fall on me. Accommodating and working with disabled people means that my team needs to also understand and consider if what they are asking of me is accessible to me.

Being disabled in academia is hard! Academia is hard! My life has been so difficult lately and I feel like I cannot catch a break!! But I am not alone and I am determined to persevere.

[eniyioyun]

Undertale Chara Headcanos

CHARA DREEMUR

*Gay and asexual. (He/They)

*He is older than Frisk and Asriel and smaller than Kris.

*He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and neurological disease.

*When he is angry, he cannot control himself at all, he cannot control himself in the same way in a different way.

*He can use magic and his magic is illusion (zikadraws from tumblr)

*He can put himself at risk with illusion and use it to surprise his enemy. While he doesn't realize that the illusion is real, he makes the finishing blow with his knife.

*He went up the mountain to commit suicide.

*You can meet Asriel and other monsters, make friends with them, and use them to help them. He found peace with help.

*He hated a bad family and values, the evil, selfishness and stupidity of humanity, and was filled with revenge.

*Actually, albino.

*He has red eyes from birth, so he was declared "devil" in the village where he grew up.

*They environment saw him as a man because he behaved masculinely, but his fulfillment of these was interrupted by the fact that he did not belong to any gender. She was also subjected to hate and bullying because she was attracted to men. No one accepted him as he was. Until he meets Asriel, who will be his half-brother.

*He has a very dramatic and unfortunate sense of humor. He loves puns, dark humor, scaring people, and elaborate jokes.

*Half Greek and half German.

*He has a German accent (reddit @Dragon_X627279)

*Addicted to everything sharp. And Toriel's snail pies.

*His hobbies are knitting, eating chocolate, collecting weapons and reading books.

*When something bothers him, he becomes sullen and doesn't say anything.

*He likes to do make-up, especially when he catches Asriel and forces him to do make-up.

*He is flirty with men, so many men thought she was a girl. He just flirts FOR FUN, as much as a CHILD can flirt.

*Apart from the Dreemur family, his favorite monsters are Gaster and Sans. He loves looking at their work. He is also a fan of Gerson.

*Gaster taught him sign language, he always talked to him in sign language.

*He also learned the Wingdings alphabet, but only used it for important matters.

*The main reason he learned the Wingdings alphabet was to read the secret research notes written by Gaster and Sans.

*Caught by Gaster while reading his research notes in the middle of the night. He thought he would be very angry, but Gaster patted his head and showed him the real experiments.

*He was surprised when he and Frisk met Gaster again. He was especially disappointed with the scars on his face and how they disappeared so quickly.

*Thanks to Sans, his inner nerd came out, he enjoys listening to their scientific nonsense. They are both great students.

*There were times when he and Sans would fight for fun, neither of them could beat the other, but when they got to the point of killing each other, they would stop and do tear-inducing victory dances.

*Like Toriel, she constantly laughs at Sans' jokes.

*When he met Sans, he was very excited, lively, energetic and curious, at first he had a hard time keeping up with him, but later it was Asriel who had a hard time keeping up with the two of them.

*When he met Frisk and Sans, he was very happy that his sense of humor had not changed, but he was sad that his old energetic and lively self was replaced by a lazy Sans, and he hated that his friend's life energy was depleted. .

*Gerson taught him various martial arts.

*When Chara used these defensive arts to attack and intimidate, Gerson hit her with a stick.

*As a result, Chara tried to scare him like crazy with an illusion, but Gerson wasn't afraid at all.

*Chara must be the person who admires Gerson the most after Undyne.

*Gerson's encounter with Frisk disappointed him for the third time. He was no longer a hero... So he declared Undyne as his new admirable figure.

*Chara is a very smart child, she has an advanced intelligence for her age and that's why she is so crazy.

*He likes to talk to his spirit knife, he believes it talks to them too. He only showed it to Asriel. Asriel saw this as a game and liked to talk with the knife. Chara was telling them what the knife said.

* He belittles poor and weak people. At first she judged Asriel for being weak and tried to make him tougher but then she accepted that he was just cute.

*He can stand on his own two feet, is very self-confident and can sometimes be a bully. *He is not a very good person. He is not thoughtful or kind, tends to be rude and indifferent, has annoying and dangerous habits, and is generally a "freak" but is always himself. Nobody changed it, it won't change for nobody and nobody will change it

*After his death, his soul was corrupted and he became "the actor's name". Whatever the "player's name" was, it was.

If there is a character you want headcanon, write it!

[mortemoppetere]

TIMING: late at night PARTIES: @rn-zane, & @mortemoppetere LOCATION: worm row SUMMARY: when a vampire targets emilio, zane steps in and learns a little more about the hunter. CONTENT WARNINGS: mentions of child death, suicidal ideation

It had been a slow night. A few spawns, a wight here and there, but nothing substantial. Emilio almost preferred nights like this sometimes, though thinking as much filled him with an acidic shame. After all, he existed only to fight. On nights he wasn’t doing that, he was wasting whatever unwanted second chance he’d been given when he’d survived that massacre in Mexico. But he was damn tired, and there were times where he couldn’t quite fathom the idea of mustering up enough energy to kill anything that might stand a chance at putting up a half decent fight. This was fine, he thought. Wights and spawns were fine.

The world felt heavy, anyway.

He was almost back to his apartment now, at least, tension tightening his muscles in a way it shouldn’t be. A few drinks, he figured, and he’d be fine. He’d be better. He could sit on the couch and stare at the wall and not think for as long as he was able. He liked that.

A shiver went down his spine, pulling him from his thoughts and making the exhaustion settle in a little deeper. He’d spoken too soon, maybe, calling the night over. There was something undead nearby, and the fact that he couldn’t see it was unsettling. Emilio stopped in the street, glancing around with wary eyes. 

—

Zane felt like a complete creep. It was a strange sensation, lurking around and not offering a smile or a hello to people passing him, head bowed underneath the dark hood. This would probably lead to nothing but if this Emilio was going to be keeping tabs on Zane and his clan, the least he could do was snoop around the PI as well. Not like breaking and entering, obviously, which he wouldn’t have stooped to even if he could theoretically have walked into the man’s place without an invite. Just keeping an eye on the shabby building that was very faintly labeled Axis Investigation (what kind of a name even was that?) was a good place to start. At least, he’d thought it was a good place to start. 

Hanging around on the other side of the street for an hour, garnering strange looks and even making a few people switch over to the other sidewalk once they spotted him hanging around, Zane was starting to doubt everything about this unplanned plan. With a sigh, he glanced back up the street. No sign of the man with the signature limp. What did catch his attention however was someone else, dressed in a similarly inconspicuous manner as Zane, which by itself obviously wasn’t a crime. The mostly hidden weapon in his hand, however, was a different story. 

As with most situations he managed to get himself wrapped up in, Zane didn’t give it much thought. He was moving carefully from his previous stake out spot, eyes narrowed as he watched the stranger turn down a narrower street with much less lighting. Halfway inspired by what Cass had said, the way she was using her abilities to help people, the vampire continued to creep behind the other, keeping his distance for now. Maybe this would be nothing. But maybe this would save someone a trip to the ER, or worse. 

—

There were few things more unsettling than being able to feel something undead that you couldn’t see. It had always put Emilio on edge, but it had gotten worse over the last few years. The paranoia that had plagued him since that massacre in Mexico often intensified the feeling of something being wrong, and when he was in a situation like this one — feeling without seeing, knowing something was there without having proof of it — he couldn’t help but wonder if his mind had finally snapped entirely. Would there come a day when his slayer senses gave way to his paranoia, when he sensed undead even when none were there the same way he was sure people were a threat to him even when they meant him no harm? The thought was a harrowing one. He was already a sorry excuse for a vampire slayer, already someone his mother would despise. He didn’t need to become something even more shameful.

But he swore he felt something near all the same. He cocked his head to the side, listened for the sound of it. Vampires didn’t have heartbeats, of course, but their movements still made noise if you were paying close enough attention. Come on, come on… 

In the shadows, the armed vampire noticed the change in the detective’s manners. He knew he hadn’t been found out, but he also knew it was only a matter of time before he was. The Cortez hunters were notorious, and this one must have been especially dangerous to have survived where all the rest failed. If he wanted to take the man by surprise, he’d have to act.

With a single-minded focus, the vampire was unaware of another of his kind approaching; he paid Zane no mind as he moved to jump out of the shadows and towards the slayer, weapon drawn.

—

There was something very strange about the situation. The two forms in the darkness, still mostly unclear in the dark due to distance despite Zane’s fairly decent night vision, were eerily still. It had slowly become easier for him to remember to breathe despite not needing to but here, he felt himself following the other two in stilling everything, even his breath. The other stranger’s back was turned, he wouldn’t be able to see anything coming. Just turn around and spot this creep! When the armed stranger finally moved it was with alarming speed, jolting Zane into action before he could even form a coherent thought. “Don’t!” 

His words rang out, slipping from his mouth of their own accord but Zane didn’t even have time to be startled by them. He was moving towards the danger, recent events having made him realize that it was apparently a tendency of his, sprinting forward at a speed that almost matched the attacker’s. It seemed his panicked warning had finally helped the unsuspecting stranger face the right way, just in time for an attack to barrel into him. Gritting his teeth, Zane skidded to a halt just as the two bodies collided to the ground. “Get off!”

The strength he now possessed still managed to catch him off guard, the few short months not enough time for him to fully comprehend what he was capable of. Especially when instinct took over as it was doing right now, limbs seeming to move without a clear command from his frazzled brain. Hands grabbed at the fabric of the attacker’s jacket, yanking in an attempt to free the other person that had just gotten tackled. It worked and then some, hands managing to pull the attacker off with enough momentum to toss him a few feet to the side. Holding back an apology because that seemed inappropriate given the situation, panicked eyes turned to the person still on the ground. “Hey, are you al-”

Shit. Shit. A face that was so much more familiar than Zane wanted it to be stared back and panic turned into anger. The last time he’d actually seen this man, Emilio, they had parted with some semblance of an understanding. Now, the slayer had managed to make Zane come as close to hating a person as he ever had. He stumbled back a step, overwhelmed with conflict and then he was tripping. The attacker - the vampire? - had easily abused Zane’s fumbling, throwing out a leg and easily unbalancing him. 

His back hit the ground, hard, but at least his head was spared the trauma. For now. 

—

A word rang out through the streets. Don’t. It was loud in the silence, echoing off the buildings in a familiar voice. Where had he heard it before? It was — wait. The nurse? Emilio turned towards the sound just in time to see a vampire (who decidedly wasn’t the nurse behind the word that had cut through the night moments before) hurtling towards him. He went for his stake, but the vampire hit him before he could reach it. It flew from his hands, landing somewhere out of reach as his body hit the ground. 

The concrete was hard, and without his hands free to try to catch himself, he shifted to hit it shoulder-first. It probably saved him from a concussion, at least, but the force of it was definitely enough to pop that joint out of place with a crack. And that was about to become the least of his worries. The vampire looked down at him, red eyes bright and shining with rage. Ah. Probably not a random attack, then. Emilio knew he pissed off a lot of people with the shit he did — a lot of vampires, specifically. But most of them didn’t live long enough to seek vengeance. If this one had…

A relative, maybe. Or a friend. Someone he’d taken out had had people waiting back home. He didn’t recognize the vampire, though that hardly meant it hadn’t been involved in the attack on Etla. There’d been so many of them there, after all. He did, however, recognize the second shape that came hurtling out of the darkness — the one that tackled the first vampire off of him and knocked it to the ground. The nurse reached for him, looking almost concerned until he saw his face. Emilio grimaced. “Friend of yours?” It was all he could ask before the first vampire returned to the scene, taking Zane to the ground.

Right. Probably not a friend, then.

With Zane knocked to the side, the vampire turned back towards Emilio. “Cortez,” it snarled lowly, getting to its feet and putting its foot on his injured shoulder, presumably in a move to keep him still. Emilio winced, biting his tongue to keep from freeing the pained noise that was desperate to break through his lips. “I heard you died in Mexico with the rest of them.”

“Clearly, you heard wrong,” Emilio growled, eyes darting briefly behind the vampire to where Zane was shifting in the darkness. He didn’t particularly want to talk about this with an audience, particularly not when that audience was Zane. That guy hated him; Emilio didn’t want him to know the things that even his friends weren’t privy to. “Are you going to talk, or are you going to kill me? I would like the killing more, I think.”

—

Stunned, more so by the scenario he found himself in than falling on his ass, it took Zane a moment to comprehend the words being spoken next to him. He quickly scrambled to sit up, seeing the scene of this unknown vampire, at least unknown to Zane, making a point to overpower the slayer. While mocking him, inadvertently sharing information that the nurse could almost guarantee wasn’t meant for his ears. With the rest of them. How many people was this vampire talking about? Had they all been slayers or just innocent people? Even with barely any information, Zane could feel doubt and unease creeping in. And he could feel sharp eyes staring at him. 

Ever the asshole it seemed, Emilio taunted the already angry vampire and something in the slayer’s voice cut through the anger that had previously coated every thought regarding this man. It was laced with sarcasm but no less earnest. The thought of ‘survivor’s guilt’ popped into Zane’s head as he finally got his shit together enough to get to his feet, shoulders squared. Trying not to notice the stake lying a few feet away. “Just walk away.” His voice was low, much more threatening than he’d intended or even known he was capable of, filled to the brim with adrenaline and conflicting feelings. No matter his personal opinion of Emilio, Zane hadn’t been lying when he’d claimed to never let anyone bleed out in front of him. Not even this jerk of a slayer. 

The other vampire didn’t look away from its prey, only adding weight to the foot currently bearing down on what looked to be a very misaligned shoulder. “This one deserves it.” The anger in this stranger’s voice was strong enough to be palpable and Zane felt guilt run heavy as the sentence rang true with the fleeting thought he himself had had after his argument with Emilio.

“That’s not your call,” Zane replied slowly, finally having the sense to step into his more natural role as someone who could possibly deescelate a situation. Possibly being the key word in this moment. The vampire moved swiftly, too swiftly to be planning to simply stop torturing Emilio and walk away. Zane did the same - even though his fighting skills were non existant, he was bigger than the other. Tackling a vampire to the ground wasn’t the best idea but there wasn’t exactly time for planning, now was there?

–

Why was Zane still here? Emilio wished, desperately, that the nurse would do the smart thing and walk away, even if it meant he’d die at this vampire’s hand. He’d meant it when he said he found death preferable to discussion, especially if that discussion might be overheard by someone he didn’t like or trust. There was some dishonest part of him that insisted it was because Zane might use the information against him, might pass it along to his clan who might know more about the Cortez family than he did or blackmail him into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with, but Emilio knew that that wasn’t entirely true. 

He didn’t want Zane to know because grief was so much easier when it was some invisible thing. It was so much simpler to hurt in private, where no one could see it. When that curtain was yanked away, you couldn’t close it back. No one would ever look at you the same again.

But, of course, this vampire cared nothing about that. He wanted Emilio to hurt physically, but he likely had no qualms in adding emotional turmoil to that, too. He’d probably enjoy it all the more if that were the case. So Zane wasn’t leaving, and the vampire wasn’t shutting up, and Emilio wanted so badly for this to be over no matter how it ended. 

Zane ordered the vampire to leave, and Emilio let out a laugh that turned into a strangled grunt of pain as the pressure on his misaligned shoulder increased. The vampire insisted that Emilio deserved whatever it was he was planning to do, and Emilio couldn’t really argue with that. Whatever the vampire had in mind with him, he probably deserved far worse. But Zane argued with this monster just as adamantly as he had with Emilio when he’d been the monster insisting that vengeance and justice went hand-in-hand. At least the guy was consistent. 

“He’s not going to like that,” Emilio said in a stage-whisper just a fraction of a second before Zane spoke up and confirmed the theory. In spite of everything, though, he was still surprised when Zane leaped into action instead of running away as the vampire came towards him. Granted, the action was a fairly pathetic attempt at a fight, but it was still action. Good on the kid for sticking to his guns, at least.

With the vampire distracted with a new fight, Emilio rolled himself over. He bit back a groan as the motion jostled his shoulder, trying to keep attention off himself as he shuffled towards the stake. His leg was locked up; he didn’t even know if it was from the fight, or if the limb was just protesting a little louder than usual. With one arm hanging uselessly from his damaged shoulder, this would be a hard sell. Luckily, he was pretty used to those. 

“Oye, pendejo!” Emilio was on his feet now, standing unevenly but standing. The vampire’s eyes darted from where they were locked onto Zane to focus back on the slayer instead. “I thought it was me you were fighting. Ay, let him up, Rosario. I was starting to have fun.” The longer the vampire was in a position where it could talk, the more risk that it would say something. And that was the last thing Emilio wanted here.

—

This was stupid. Too stupid for that description to fit it. Zane couldn’t explain properly why he was still here, taking a fairly heavy punch to the face for a man who had threatened to kill him on numerous occasions and seemed well on his way in getting rid of the only people in this town Zane could somewhat call family. It was absolute nonsense. Even so, he knew that given the opportunity a hundred times over, he would always end up here. Trying to prevent pain. Hoping that death didn’t have to be a necessity to this new life he found himself a part of. “Don’t make me hurt you,” the vampire was hissing in his face, which seemed hilarious considering Zane could feel how misaligned his nose currently was. 

Not surprisingly, a dislocated shoulder wasn’t stopping Emilio, who was demanding that the attention be turned back to him. Obviously the injured man wouldn’t take this opportunity to, say, run away? Like a normal person? There was nothing normal about this slayer, Zane was gathering, and maybe not all of it was bad but a lot of it was definitely stupid. Strong words coming from the idiot trying to wrestle a much more proficient vampire while just recovering from a broken leg.

“Fun?!” was all Zane managed to shout back before he was easily maneuvered into a less desirable position, the vampire now in control and slamming his body into the ground. A whispered warning of ‘stay down’ was all he got before the vampire moved on to its real target. Panic rose in Zane’s chest as realization settled. There wouldn’t be three people leaving here no matter how badly he wanted that to be the case. Even if he could hold back one of them, the other wouldn’t stop. There was no doubt that Emilio would go through Zane to get to this vampire if need be. Was choosing who to help essentially dooming the other?

“You don’t need to do this.” It was a poor attempt but an attempt nonetheless, his voice jarringly pleading in the suffocating tension around them. Whether he was speaking to the one whose name he knew or not, even Zane wasn’t sure. 

“And you clearly don’t know shit about the Cortez family,” the vampire replied in a low voice, red eyes never once leaving Emilio before it charged. 

—

There was an ache in him that had little to do with the dislocated shoulder and everything to do with the way there was a vampire on the ground who knew him wrestling with one he desperately wanted to make sure didn’t. Zane had been a thorn in his side for months now, but it wasn’t the nurse’s tendency to argue about Emilio’s methods that drove the slayer into fits of rage. He was used to that, didn’t much care about a stranger’s thoughts on his way of dealing with violent supernatural creatures. No, what really made Emilio dislike Zane was the moments of concern. The way he’d tried to coax him into an exam in the hospital, the look on his face when Emilio tripped over that gurney while chasing him, the fact that he’d tackled a vampire trying to kill him just to stop it succeeding, that was what made Emilio never want to see the asshole again. 

Zane was one of the last people he’d like to learn about his past. Already, the damn vampire knew too much about him. Already, the one taking swings at him from the ground had said far too much for Emilio’s liking. Why did so many of these assholes want to talk? Why couldn’t they just be reasonable and try to kill him the way they ought to? He’d take a knife to the gut over a conversation that might be overheard any day of the week.

The vampire who’d attacked him wrestled itself into a more manageable position, leaving Zane in a vulnerable spot. It didn’t kill him; there was something almost interesting about that. Was there some strange morality that stopped this vampire from killing another? Was killing a toddler excusable because that toddler was a hunter, but killing a grown man taboo because he was a vampire? Part of him wanted to toss the question out, wanted to point out how fucking stupid it was to defend the unimaginable while refusing to cross a line far less reprehensible, but doing so would mean confessing to far more than he wanted to say aloud. The fight was better. The violence in the present was so much easier to swallow than the tragedy in the past.

Thundering feet ran towards him, and the relief hit him before the body made impact. It was cold and stifling at the same time, like the moment after someone dumped a bucket of frigid water over your head when you forgot you still knew how to breathe, when your lungs stuttered and struggled and tried to comprehend the fact that the water wasn’t all around them but dripping to the ground. Even as Emilio was knocked off his feet, all he could think about was how much better this was. All he could think about was that relief.

His shoulder hit the ground first as the vampire steered him into the fall, and for a moment, the world went stark white with the pain of the impact. His ears were ringing so loudly that he couldn’t hear the scrambling of the vampire on top of him for a moment, couldn’t see it around the black dots overtaking his vision. Then, the moment passed and the world slammed back into him around the same time the vampire’s fist found his face. Emilio blinked, shaking his head slightly to bring himself back to the moment. He shifted his position, bending his knees and letting his good leg twist into an uncomfortable position until he could deliver a half-kick to the vampire’s ankle, knocking it off balance. He used the momentum to roll them over, putting himself on top now. With one arm still hanging uselessly, the position wasn’t as much an advantage as it normally would have been. He’d use it as best he could, anyway.

Grabbing the vampire by the hair, he slammed its head into the concrete violently. “What did you think would happen here? You attack me alone, you do it when I’m not expecting it like a coward, and you think this is all it takes? You think I am still alive because no one ever thought to catch me with my guard down before? That you’re the first one smart enough to try it?” The vampire twisted beneath him, throwing an elbow into his ribs that Emilio barely felt at all. With the adrenaline pumping now, even the dislocated shoulder felt muted. But then…

“I heard she died screaming.” The words cut through the adrenaline like a knife, left him frozen. “I heard she was terrified. They both were. Someone told me they called out for you when it happened. Shame you weren’t listening.” He couldn’t breathe. He swore his damn heart stopped beating, swore the world stood still. It was probably the exact effect the vampire had been hoping for. Using Emilio’s hesitation to its advantage, it delivered another punch to his face and knocked him off balance. Hands wrapped themselves around his throat, and the not breathing became a much more literal thing. 

The hand of his uninjured arm shot up to claw at the vampire while the injured one flopped painfully against the ground. The vampire lifted him up by his throat and slammed him back again, shifting its position to force his arms down and holding them in place with its knees. “You should be thanking me,” it hissed. “Maybe you’ll see them all again in Hell.” 

—

Violence hadn’t been a part of Zane’s life for years. Even when it had been, it was never to this caliber. Fights in the boys’ home sometimes ended with bloody noses and black eyes, sure, but they had always just been venting out their frustration - sometimes on Zane. Never had they been aiming to kill, though. The anger and brutality was a living thing, joining the three people in the alley and consuming two of them, leaving the third pretty much shell shocked as a head cracked against the pavement. He was reminded of his own close encounter with a slayer, the way he seemed to have enjoyed the fight, how helpless Zane had been. Emilio was taunting, sure, but there wasn’t a smidge of joy to be found in his voice. 

“Don’t-” he started helplessly but the two of them were caught in their own little bubble, the vampire’s words cutting Zane off. They weren’t meant to have an impact on the nurse, only meant to tear at some unseen wounds Emilio clearly had, but Zane’s heart sank nonetheless. Someone had died. Someone had died scared and alone and Emilio hadn’t been there to rescue them. A fact that was being used against him even though, if Zane’s previous hunch about survivor’s guilt was correct, the slayer was probably using this fact against himself every day. 

The air felt thick and it took Zane a moment to realize that wasn’t the reason someone was currently gasping for air. Almost in a trance, he moved closer, just close enough to see Emilio’s bloody face starting to change shades. Whether it was panic or anger or sympathy, Zane found himself making the choice he’d found so incredibly difficult before. 

Numb fingers wrapped around the wooden stake that had once again been knocked out of Emilio’s hands, the light object somehow incredibly heavy. The slayer’s face was turning from red to blue and Zane spared a glance at the vampire who was close to finishing its mission. There was no visible remorse in their eyes, no sense that they were having second thoughts. Zane didn’t have time for second thoughts, either. 

It had been the vampire’s mistake to assume that Zane would stay out of it, and to stop paying attention. The sound was sickening, settling in his eardrums, wood piercing skin and muscle. It was a shock to feel how easily the stake slid into the vampire’s shoulder - Zane had gathered enough information to know that apparently the heart had to be injured to cause the strange process of a vampire turning into dust. He wasn’t going to kill someone, not even to save a life, even though he knew he was practically dooming this vampire to eternal death the moment his fist met the shocked face. And then again and finally a third time until they finally passed out, body limp on the ground and tears burning behind his eyes. 

He didn’t turn back to Emilio, eyes trained on the person he had just beaten unconscious, knuckles aching with a very unfamiliar pain. 

—

Black spots danced along the edge of his vision, threatening to overtake him entirely. Emilio fought back against them, clinging to consciousness like it was a tangible thing. The moment he let it leave him, he knew, it would be over. He’d die in this alley at the hands of a vampire who used his daughter’s death like a weapon, would choke on nothing until his lungs burst and his heart stopped.

But would that really be so bad?

The thought clawed its way into his mind as the vampire’s words echoed through the alley. Dying here, in this shitty alley in this shitty town, would it be the worst thing in the world? Emilio wasn’t a religious man anymore. Maybe he never really had been. He didn’t think he believed in Heaven or Hell anymore, and he recognized that if either were real, he wouldn’t end up in the same place as his daughter. But whatever was waiting for him at the end of this life couldn’t be worse than this, could it? He wasn’t sure there was any fate worse than the one he was living already, wasn’t sure there was any way for things to fall more than they had that day in Mexico. His wife was dead, his daughter was dead, his entire fucking family was dead. What more could be taken from him? What did he have left to lose?

His hands, still trapped painfully beneath the vampire’s knees, stopped moving. His legs stopped scrambling for purchase against the ground. He met the vampire’s eyes briefly before closing his, waiting for the darkness to overtake him entirely. Maybe it’d be better, when it was over. Maybe there was only one way to find peace.

Then, all at once, the pressure against his throat disappeared. That painful weight was gone from his wrists, the body on top of him vanished. He gasped without meaning to, lungs greedily sucking in the oxygen he’d been so ready to do without just seconds before. His mind might have accepted his fate, but his body hadn’t. It had always been that way, he knew; a dead thing pretending to be alive. He’d never been all that different from the things he hunted. 

He heard the sound of knuckles hitting flesh, and his addled mind scrambled for a moment before providing an answer. Zane. He’d forgotten the nurse was in the alley at all, his presence fading when the oxygen deprivation had begun to erase the world from around him bit by bit. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful for the assist or not. His chest ached, his head was pounding, his shoulder felt like it was on fire, his wrists hurt. It was hard to feel grateful for just about anything right now.

After a few moments, the sound of Zane’s fist hitting the vampire’s face stopped, and the alley was still. Emilio’s wheezing gasps were the only thing left. It took the slayer three tries to sit up properly, grunting as he forced himself into an upright position to inspect the scene. Zane was sitting over the vampire, who was now unconscious. He wasn’t looking at him. Emilio couldn’t get his feet underneath him, so he settled for an embarrassing scoot towards the pair. He found his stake in the unconscious vampire’s shoulder and reached out, wrapping his fingers around the wood on the second try. 

“You know,” he said hoarsely, the words painful as they moved past his injured throat, “I’m going to kill it. Right?” There was no question to it. Maybe, if it had only been the physical attack against him, Emilio could have been convinced to come to some kind of compromise. It wasn’t as if he had ever prioritized his own physical well-being, after all. But this vampire had taken it farther than that. The words still echoed in his ears, would stay there until something else managed to accomplish what this vampire had narrowly failed to do tonight. I heard she died screaming. He yanked the stake free from the vampire’s shoulder with some difficulty. 

—

His ears were ringing, the high pitched sound droning but somehow unable to block out the sound of fists meeting flesh and bone. It was inciting a physical reaction, his whole body locking up and wanting to cringe away from the whole scenario. The only refuge Zane could find was that he had in no way enjoyed this exchange, wracked with guilt and disgust and being the cause of harm. Even if it had been to prevent harm befalling someone else. 

Zane didn’t even notice Emilio moving closer until the man spoke up, his voice rough and quiet but still cutting through the vampire’s haze. Blinking a few times, he finally looked down at the man he had, for some reason, decided to save. Maybe if he felt less viscerally tired, Zane would have made at least some attempt to talk this through. As it was right now, he just felt numb and honestly, a small part of him felt this was justified. It was the tiniest little part, barely there but the words the unconscious vampire had spoken came back like a freight train once Zane finally saw Emilio’s face. Not the fact that the face was bloody and bruised but how absolutely broken it looked. 

Instead of answering, Zane simply walked a few steps away, letting the ringing in his ears overtake him again in the pitiful hope it would let him ignore what was happening behind him. It didn’t work and he’d never been too good at denial. When there were only two people left behind in the darkness, he slowly walked back to Emilio, not even noticing how unsteady his gait was. Wordlessly, Zane crouched down next to the slayer, hesitantly reaching for the dislocated shoulder and waiting for permission as to not get himself staked as well. Distractedly wondering just how many shoulders he had now popped into place outside of the hospital. 

—

He was expecting an argument. Maybe he was hoping for one, in some strange way; being forced to defend his position might allow him to think of something else, might make the noise in his head quiet down just a little. There was so much grief there now. So many unwanted images of the scene the vampire had described flashing through his mind’s eye, of Flora terrified and crying out for a father who’d only ever been good at arriving a little too late, of Juliana screaming his name despite the fact that she must have known he wasn’t listening. He wanted the rage back. He wanted Zane to relight the fire in his chest, wanted him to insist that the unconscious form he’d beaten into the concrete still deserved some form of mercy so that the anger could thaw that frozen fear out of his throat. 

But he didn’t get it. Zane turned, he walked away, and Emilio was left with a bloody stake and an aching heart. Wasn’t he always? The anger had never really been anger. It was a masquerade, a child’s shitty cardboard mask that did nothing at all to truly disguise the wearer. He clung to that fury, but it wasn’t who he was. He gripped it with all the strength he had, but it turned to dust like everything else. He wasn’t angry. He only wanted to be.

There was no real satisfaction as he lined the stake up over the unmoving chest, no sense of joy as he drove it home. It was a quiet thing, the wood piercing the skin, but it was still the loudest thing in the alley. Drowning out the vampire’s moral crisis and the slayer’s quiet anguish, making itself known in any way it could. The vampire wasn’t awake to let out any kind of death rattle, so that stake did it for him. It pushed through the skin and between the ribs, pierced the organ underneath. When the body turned to dust around it, the pressure didn’t stop. The stake fell through, hitting against the concrete with a clatter that seemed deafening. Emilio stared at the empty space, those words still echoing. Someone told me they called out for you when it happened. Shame you weren’t listening. 

He didn’t realize Zane was still in the alley until he rejoined him, senses all drowned out by the grief. He didn’t know why the nurse hadn’t left; he didn’t know why Zane had done any of the things he’d done here tonight. Why step in to begin with? Why save Emilio, why let him drive that stake home? Didn’t he know that any attempt to rescue Emilio from any of this was doing little more than prolonging the inevitable? 

Emilio didn’t move as Zane crouched next to him, still staring at the dust that was being swept away in the wind now. A few minutes ago, it had been a man. A few years ago, Emilio had been a father. Funny, the way time changed things. 

Hesitant hands hovered over his dislocated shoulder, the question silent but clear. Emilio tore his gaze away from the concrete to look back to Zane, his eyes searching the vampire’s as if he might find answers to any of his questions there. He didn’t. He wasn’t sure answers existed for the questions he had. After a pause, he nodded painfully, shifting to give the nurse better access to his shoulder. Easier than setting it himself at home, less painful than letting Rhett do it and answering the inevitable questions he might have. Emilio certainly deserved the inconvenience, the pain, but he didn’t want it. And Zane was offering to let him skip it. Might as well do something good for him, for once in his goddamn life. 

—

Whether broken down by the vampire’s words, that seemed to still haunt Emilio despite it being erased from existence, or just simply tired - Zane was allowed to help. Sure, he knew that the stubborn slayer had taken the pain killers at the hospital many weeks ago, allowing the nurse that small gesture of goodwill but this was different. Zane had been fully prepared to be swatted away or cursed out for offering help but the slow nod was yet another surprise in this evening that seemed full of odd things. 

As gently as he could with his shaking hands and aching knuckles, Zane reset the man’s shoulder, wincing sympathetically as it snapped back into place. Or maybe he was wincing at the angry red marks on Emilio’s throat, the way his tired eyes were even more bloodshot now after the lack of oxygen. Realizing that he was lingering in the slayer’s presence, who was docile but still holding a weapon capable of destroying Zane with a single movement, he scooted back to a safer distance. Trying to find words to fill the silence that was dragging on. 

“Whoever they were, I’m sorry.” His words felt unbelievably loud in the silence, having the same effect as if a gun had gone off. Zane wanted to say more, wanted to know more but as much of a stranger as Emilio was, one thing was sure. He probably didn’t want a vampire’s sympathy and he definitely wouldn’t be answering any questions. Then again, the simple act of accepting assistance had surprised Zane. Maybe the slayer had more surprises hidden under the surface. 

Moving slowly, fast movements and noise feeling like a violation of this strange and daunting tranquility that had settled, Zane stood. “I should go,” he said quietly even though the last thing he wanted was to leave this man, broken both physically and mentally, alone. 

—

Zane’s hands on his shoulder were among the most gentle Emilio had ever felt, though it didn’t stop the limb from shooting fiery pain throughout his torso as the nurse rotated it back into place. Despite the pain, Emilio scarcely reacted. There was a faint flinch, a sharp intake of breath as his eyes squeezed shut, but little more. He didn’t turn to look at Zane again; his eyes were still locked on the dust on the ground, the stake resting against the cement. I heard she died screaming. The nausea pulling at his gut had little to do with the ache in his shoulder or the way his lungs still screamed from the lack of oxygen.

The presence of Zane at his side was still a surprise; it seemed to disappear again until he spoke, like Emilio could only focus on him when he was making himself known, somehow. His tone was just as gentle as his touch had been, and Emilio wondered why the vampire thought he deserved that. He wondered why anyone did. He thought of Teddy, gently guiding him off the roof and to their boat when he was cursed, of Nora and the way she always seemed to know what he needed and never hesitated to give it to him, of the food Wynne left outside his door, of the way Arden would sometimes drop a bottle of whiskey by his apartment, of how Zack texted him to make sure he was all right, sometimes. Why did any of them give a shit? Why were they always trying to help? It felt so wrong, somehow. Like something he should feel guilty for. 

Add it to the fucking list, then.

“They were…” His voice was still hoarse, still uncertain. They were important, he wanted to say, because they were. They deserved to be saved, and I didn’t do that. They deserved to live, and they’re gone. They deserve to be remembered, at the very fucking least, and I do everything I can do to forget them. It was funny, almost, the way he still managed to fail them, even years after they were gone. Like it hadn’t been enough for him to let them down while they were alive, like he had to repeat the process every single day. He failed them every morning when he woke up, failed them every night when he went to bed, failed them every moment in between. Failing them was all he did, these days. Maybe it was all he’d ever done. They deserved for him to have the goddamn decency to speak about them now, deserved for him to share their memory with Zane no matter how much it ached. And still, Emilio couldn’t get the words past his aching throat. How many times, he wondered, could a man fail his family? How many times could he fuck up before fucking up was all he did? He was pretty sure he’d passed the threshold years ago now.

He felt Zane stand beside him, nodded his head at his words. “Yeah,” he agreed, “you probably should.” He probably should have left a while ago, when there were still hands wrapped around the slayer’s throat, when options were running out just as much as the oxygen was. It probably would have been a better ending than this. 

—

There was no telling what this turn of events meant for the situation previously shared by the slayer and the vampire, a situation that could only have been described as hostile. Even though everything felt like it had changed, Zane knew that in a couple of days, nothing would be different. Emilio would still be a man on a mission - a mission that was closer to the man’s heart than Zane could have fathomed - and he would still be just another undead nuisance. Believing anything else felt childish, at the very least. 

Shaking hands still hovered, feeling betrayed that they weren’t allowed to comfort, something they were so innately skilled at. Would Zane have offered more comfort if this man hadn’t threatened to burn down the only safety net the vampire had found in this town? Did that make him selfish or just human? He had saved Emilio’s life but even now, it felt like the wrong choice. Letting the slayer die hadn’t felt like the correct choice, either. Just a flip of the coin, then, with Zane feeling like a traitor to everything he stood for either way. His ears perked up when the husk of a man in front of him attempted to speak but the words died. Why would Zane be privy to information of this caliber, anyway? 

His retreating footsteps were slow, as if dragged through mud. Leaving Emilio here was wrong. Zane felt it in every fiber of his being but staying was just delaying the inevitable. He couldn’t help. Not here, not now. Probably not ever. Every possible word of comfort or way of saying goodbye ran through his mind but none of them made it past his lips, which opened and closed pointlessly a few times before Zane finally tore his eyes away and turned. It didn’t make it any easier to walk away, the last few minutes permanently etched into his brain, searing a phantom pain there to go with the aching in his knuckles. 

—

What did he want? It was a question he’d never really known the answer to. He wanted Zane to stay, wanted him to come back to his apartment with him and fill the empty space, wanted to have someone else sit with him inside the isolation chamber he’d built for himself. Paradoxically, he wanted Zane to leave, to pretend he hadn’t seen what he’d seen and heard what he’d heard, to never speak to Emilio again at all. He wanted to be alone. He wanted someone to tell him things were going to be okay. He wanted harsh truths and pretty lies, wanted everything and nothing. Grief was a breathing contradiction, twisting your thoughts and feelings into things that made such little sense. You were someone else, you were the most you you’d ever been. 

You wanted a savior and an executioner at the same time.

Asking Zane to stay felt heavier than letting him go, so Emilio said nothing. It was easier, after all, to stay silent. And didn’t he always take the easy way out? Wasn’t that what this whole crusade had always been about? 

He stayed on the ground as Zane moved away, unsure if he was hoping for the man to go without a word or to realize his mistake and finish what the other vampire had started. There was still a stake laying on the ground, and wouldn’t it be fitting? Wouldn’t it be just what he deserved if Zane buried that wood in a beating heart instead of a still one? But he knew it wouldn’t happen, even before the sound of the retreating footsteps reached his ear. Zane was different than Emilio, after all; he wasn’t a killer.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat in that alley, staring at the ground. Long enough for the sun to stream through the walls surrounding him, long enough for the sounds of conversing passersby to flitter in from the street. The wind blew away the ashes, his leg ached with his position on the ground. By the time he finally stood, he nearly collapsed under his own weight, stumbling a little. He didn’t pick up the stake. The thought of it made him want to let himself fall, made him want to lay on the concrete and not get up. 

But he had shit to do, didn’t he? He’d fallen behind. The vampire’s words still echoed in his ears. I heard she died screaming. His daughter had died terrified, calling out for a father who was only ever good at being too late. Emilio had let himself get a little too comfortable, perhaps, in pretending to be a person. He should have known better. A knife was only ever going to be a knife. And this one still had so much more to do. There were more vampires from that massacre still out there. Whoever had killed Flora was still out there. 

He’d make sure they died screaming, too.

[coinshotmisting]

thinking about The Garages, like, the fanbase. Cause Blaseball is so intrinsically ties to 2020. and listening to Fight Gods especially... it felt like anything was possible.

we're gonna fight gods, and we're gonna win

and the late discipline era/early expansion was so rough. the garages as a team were so principled that they refused to elect captains, instead giving everyone those discord permissions. But that wasn't sustainable, apparently. so they were required to elect captains representives on maincord.

and then I realized, nobody really talked about how we were gonna kill all gods. There were so many players now: The Reader, The Coin, The Monitor, Löotcrates, Parker. And despite being the biggest team by numbers, the garages as a team were really a presence on maincord.

there were great moments, where we remembered how it was. Whenever the Pies and Garages got together, celebrated the players we shared over the seasons. The energy remined me how summer of 2020 felt. Chatting with friends and allies, certain in the back of my head that something was gonna change.

and we will get our vengeance in the end

Humorous little one off moments became more and more frequent though, through expansion. Is scab a slur, supporting Parker, loving on The Monitor, Necromancy discourse. It was fun, don't get me wrong. I've stuck with it for years. I dont think it really changed all that much.

But I did. after the 2020 protests died down to a whisper, and all of the sudden Roe v. Wade gets repealled and no one even burns down a Judge's or Politician's house. there's been something I've lost that I had when blaseball started

and now here we are, in the second grand siesta. Nothing's happening, nothings changing, but at the same time, there's this creeping... something.

"Kill All Gods is problematic"

"Most Garages lore is racist at its core"

Reps are gone, but not in the same way they were when the Garages insisted "there is no second chair."

And now, as blaseball's starting up again, it feels like the slow process has finally reached some point. Everything before, the teams we've built both players and fans? I don't know how much it matters.

I love my blaseball friends. If The Game Band went bankrupt tomorrow and just gave up on blaseball, there's so many of them I'd still hang out with online, still chat with and check in on.

But blaseball itself feels so far away. Fight gods? I just want to try and make sure we don't get caught up in another round of disc horse. Putting out the Sun? I just want to know when play starts again, how many of the fans will I recognize? how many faces that I thought I would see in a month or two will I never see again?

And nothing will remain the same again

and our redemption arc is coming up

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I think I’ve kind of narrowed down what I’m feeling and have been feeling this month and with the holidays.

I don’t feel like I’m allowed to mourn with those close to me.

When a loved one passes away, you’re told (or should be told) that it’s okay to cry and okay to feel and okay to go through the stages of grief. They say the first year is the worst, all the firsts without them. That monumental moments will cause pangs of sadness. And when you do cry, you’re comforted and reminded that they’re in a better place and would want you to be happy. That’s been my experience anyway with grandparents and friends passings.

No one tells you how to grieve someone who is still alive or how to support someone through that. Mostly I’ve been told to not think about it or focus on something else. I’ve had plenty of friends angry with me and for me, who, when I say I’m feeling sad, respond with “I’m so mad at your parents” but I’ve yet to have anyone sit in the grief with me and give me the space to cry and be sad about it.

My one friend and her daughter did a bit, mostly her daughter. My friend is very emotionally open and told her daughter (6) why she wouldn’t see my parents at the wedding. In the guest book, she drew a picture of me and M and tears on my face. She wrote “sorry your parents did not come” and she told my friend to tell me that “when I become president, I’ll make it a law for your parents to say sorry to you.” And that’s really been the only moment in this whole grieving process that I’ve felt allowed to be sad around others.

I love my friends and I love that they’re ready to fight this battle with me and for me, but I’m not angry, not most of the time. I’m sad and I feel lost without my mom. And I miss her and I miss my dad.

And I haven’t been able to pin point that feeling of needing space to be sad until this morning.

It’s not healthy to push your feelings down when someone dies, so why is it different when you’re rejected?

I came out to them almost a year ago now, mid wedding planning and preparing for school. Almost immediately went into moving apartments, changing jobs locations, starting school, whole wedding planning. All my energy has been going towards adjusting to all the new things going on, plus planning the wedding, and occasional breakdowns over my parents but there wasn’t time to feel that grief. I should have made time.

Now there’s time. And I feel like I’m being told I should be over it by now. Over the 32 year extremely close, sometimes too dependent, relationship with my parents. The wedding brought a new layer of pain and rejection and the holidays are like deepening the wound.

Anyway. Today I am sad, not angry. Today I miss my mom and wonder if she’d be proud of the pumpkin and apple pies I’m making. I’ve never made an apple pie without her. I can’t do the crust, she does the crust. I miss her cranberry sauce, I don’t think M’s family does cranberry sauce. She always got me the kind in the can even though she makes her own. I wonder if they are smoking the turkey or grilling it. Oven baked turkey just isn’t the same. I miss my dads endless thanksgiving jokes and history lessons on whatever thought came randomly into his head.

This doesn’t feel like thanksgiving to me.

[treadmilltreats]

Thoughts become things

There are a lot of ways to say this, that thoughts become things. Recently, my youngest said she wanted to read the Secret. She said she was blown away by the concept of this book while I was blown away because she was reading at all! (Maybe with all I speak about, they are actually listening??)

She said this guy who wrote the book was a great writer. I told her that yes, but this wasn't his idea. He just wrapped it in a new package. This was a concept going back thousands of years. It started from the Bible. Yes, you heard me right, the bible.

"You reap what you sow,"

Same thing as "You get what you put out in the universe."

"If you believe, you shall have"

"Ask, and you shall receive"

Same thing that is different in packaging, but however you get there, it is the message that is important.

If you keep saying I'm broke, you're going to continue to be broke. If you say I'm never getting out of this situation, guess what? You're not!

If all you sow is negatively, doubt, fears, bad energy that is what you're getting back, in abundance!

I never once thought, when I changed my mindset, that I would be stuck in that horrible marriage forever. I knew there were bigger and better things in store for me.

I believed it as if it had already happened. I never gave up, even when year after year went by with no change.

I still held on to the dream. Until it came true, and it was way better than I could have dreamed of...way, way better!

But here is the key to making it happen… I changed my mindset.

You have to be willing to change your mindset, to throw your old ideas out. You need to change what you speak. You need to get rid of negative people and commit to believing even while you're going through the storm. You need to never give up!

Say what you want, write it, speak it to the universe, or to anyone who will listen. Make a vision board, dream it, act like it is already yours, and you're living it at this moment. Don't let others rain on your parade if they don't believe in your dreams. It's not your job to assure them or explain to them. Because they won't be coming with you when your train comes in.

I speak about my NY Times best-selling book, my international blog, and my tour. I keep telling people never to give up. I have now added Oprah Super Soul Sunday and Tyler Perry making my movie! Hell yeah, I dream big. If you're going to dream, why dream small. I believe in my soul all of this will come to pass, there is no doubt in my mind, none, zero, zip!!

So today my friends call it anything you want. Wrap it in whatever package makes you feel good, just know it's up to you to change, to believe, to put it out there...it's all yours, it's just waiting on you to be the change you want to see.

@TreadmillTreats

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The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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