#the self worth and abandonment issues are issuing!!!

[chronicowboy]

how much do you think buck's "me?" was his plain old someboy wants me to insert myself further into their lives?? and how much do you think was you told your girlfriend about christopher's first date before me but now you want me to talk to him about this like a parent might? ?

[emblazons]

"Do you not see, Eleven?"

El & 001 + Mike Wheeler & Martin Brenner Parallels see also: Vecna' using El's trauma to manipulate(!) her ⤷ inspired by @heroesbyler & my own commentary (x)

[possamble]

do you have any particular thoughts regarding marcille being a half-elf? its interesting to me considering the fact that she seems self-conscious about being a half-elf, but denies it when its brought up

i remember marcille looking visibly uncomfortable over laios simply asking her how old she is, which i think the only reason she might feel nervous about this is because it might reveal her as a half-elf to him.

she's never corrected anybody whose called her an elf either.

never mind the circumstances of the reveal, in which thistle goes on about how half-elves are inferior and accusing her of wanting to become full blooded elf, she seemed particularly upset like he struck a nerve-

i wish the half-elf thing was built upon more. also, underrated marcille line:

okay so i revisited this sequence just to make sure I could back myself up and it's just... man. there's a lot going on.

the first reaction we get from Marcille is this huge panel that takes up half of the page

she is viscerally affected. flushing to the tips of her ears with the intensity of it. and we see it again, a few pages later

so it might seem like she's embarrassed about it and lying to herself, but... I really think it's just that Thistle is accidentally hitting sore spots. If you really look at what he says to get these reactions

"you'll live out your entire life [...] and die that way too"

"a hundred years from now, nobody will be there"

Hear me out. I think, if he stuck to harping on about her inferiority without bringing up how terrifyingly long-lived she is, she wouldn't have been as bothered. But right now, Thistle is accidentally hitting all the marks on Marcille's deepest fears-- and this is after the Winged Lion promised her that her dreams could come true in an extremely vulnerable moment, so it also hits her slightly guilty conscience as well.

I do truly believe that Marcille isn't bothered about being a half-elf the way that people assume she'd be bothered by it. To her, the biggest problem with being a half-elf is that it's isolating.

On one hand, it's not hard to imagine why she'd distance herself from elves in the west. A lot of them can clock her as a half-elf on sight, unlike other races, and therefore she's always branded with this weird stigma of being Othered -- I would even say that she considers herself lucky for being born outside of elven culture instead of having to grow up in it. I mean, just... look at the way elves talk about her.

Skipping past the uncomfortable implication of what 'not tolerating the existence' of half-elves would actually entail, this is incredibly fucking annoying. You can see why she wouldn't want to be around elves much. You see a lot of Marcille reacting badly here, but honestly, almost all of it can be attributed to her freaking out that her bluff completely failed. She's honestly more paying attention to Izutsumi's footsteps and trying to coordinate an opportunity to escape.

And in the end, you see her built-up frustration at being asked if she wants to be a full-blooded elf like 2-3 times in a row.

Yeah, yeah, "the lady doth protest too much," and all. But we know Marcille. We know that she's a lot more embarrassed and horrendously unconvincing when she's being prodded about something she's actually self-conscious about.

Moving onto the flipside of things, it might seem weird that she "pretends" to be a full elf around other races, but it's not really that strange if you think about it. Again, people are weird about her being infertile or whatever, and a lots of them don't even know much about what sets half-elves apart from everyone else. I mean, look at how uncomfortable Laios is just asking her about it

and look at how exasperated and resigned she looks

And like... she's right. Where would that come up in normal conversation? Why would she go out of her way to tell them? She's functionally a normal elf to other races anyway -- got the ears, the abnormally long "childhood", and the huge mana capacity. Unless it's directly relevant or important for people to know, I don't think it's all that strange or indicative of insecurity that she prefers not to bother with it.

(This combined with her sense of being an "outsider" to elf culture also explains why she thinks elf superiority is embarrassing. She sees the way elves treat short-lived races from the "outsider" perspective nonetheless, and thinks it's obnoxious; especially more so because she usually has to play the elf around short-lived races and deal with the reputation of arrogance that elves have built up.)

The sad thing is, this all means that... she doesn't actually fit in anywhere. She doesn't like going out West much because of how elves treat her. But she's also an outsider in the continents she was born in, treated like this exotic long-lived alien choosing to live among short-lived races for some reason. She is always an outsider, the Other, no matter where she goes. Add in the fact that she'll live longer than literally anyone she knows, and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking.

And I think that's the crux of it. Marcille really doesn't act like she's at all self-conscious about being a half-elf because of any feelings of inferiority or being half-made or whatever. She considers herself a perfectly legitimate being and might even, in some ways, consider herself superior to normal elves because she's not blind with elf supremacy or whatever. (And whatever "elven biases" she displays, all of them are born more out of the fact that she's kind of bad at conceptualizing how other races age and mature compared to herself, not that she actually considers herself better or more mature simply for being an elf.)

I think that whatever self-consciousness Marcille has about being a half-elf is, instead, related to terror and loneliness. The reminder that it ensures she'll never truly belong anywhere for the rest of her very long life. The reminder that, in truth, even she's not actually sure how old she is by other races' standards (hence the discomfort when asked how old she is). She doesn't want to not be a half elf, or be a full elf or full tall-man-- in her ideal world, she's still a half-elf. She just gets to live out her life at the same pace with the people she loves and doesn't have to say goodbye again and again and again until she dies.

and one last very important panel, right after Mithrun tells her that all her desires would be devoured

In her ideal world, she's still a half-elf and reality magically starts marching at her pace. But failing that, the second best thing is that she's still a half-elf-- but one who is able to accept reality and let go of her fear.

(But the rest of the story pans out the way it does because, to Marcille, taking reality apart and reshaping it was less scary than simply and fully reconciling with it.)

[sunyee]

dealing with abandonment issues is so draining. its so jarring. i hate putting people i love through this. its like going into a blind rage, having no common sense when those feelings hit you like a truck. no one ever wins. if i convince myself someone is going to leave, its like written in stone, even if this person countlessly proves themselves, even if they show me they wont leave in the moment, my brain convinces me that if they dont leave now, they will soon, its just a matter of time. like what the fuck man, what wires are missing in my head. i wish i was a better person, i work on these issues, and when they dont surface for a while it feels like i've completely healed. only for the disappointment to be astronomical when they eventually resurface with potency, like it was charging in hibernation. idk anymore man, people underestimate how fucked abandonment issues are.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

When it comes to relationships, give yourself (and others) a chance. You can't be sure that others will leave or find you unlovable or "weird" the moment you'll start showing your true self unless you try (and even if they would, it doesn't mean they won't accept you. And if so, better people will come); and tbh even people pleasing won't save you: your mind might tell you otherwise, like "I'm always doing/saying what they want and therefore they need me/cannot hate me or leave", but the thruth is they can actually leave anyway. You cannot know if someone cares or not if you never ask for help/try to be vulnerable but try to do everything on your own (you know, trusting and vulnerability are a strenght sign, much more than being so independent); you cannot be sure that you'll be forever alone, unless you keep fearing to be abandoned, not be vulnerable and real (which is kinda needed in an healthy relationship, no matter what your emotionally immature/unstable caregivers have taught you in your childhood), and not putting yourself out there: you're the one blocking yourself. And if you feel like you cannot do it alone, you cannot sort this childhood trauma on your own, seek for help. Do it for yourself, and nobody else. You deserve to experience a good life and healthy relationships.

[whumpshaped]

whumptober 12

prompt list masterlist

tw abandonment, past trauma, rocky recovery, self-doubt, self-worth issues

"I'm up, I'm up!" Whumpee tried to sound convincing as they attempted to put on a shirt in their half-asleep state, very eager to prove that they were still part of the team. "Where are we off to? What happened?"

Their teammates were rushing in and out of the room as they were getting ready, sparing them no more than a few nervous glances; Whumpee was starting to think no one was even going to answer them. It was Caretaker who eventually walked over to their bed and placed a hand on their shoulder, looking apologetic.

"Whumpee, uh... I appreciate the enthusiasm. We all do..." Whumpee's chest was beginning to feel a little tight at the tone, but they straightened their back and feigned nonchalance. If only straightening their back hurt a little less, maybe they would've looked more unbothered. "But I don't think you should come with us on this quest. You're basically still recovering."

"I'm not! I'm as fine as I'm ever gonna be! Is this about me needing a cane now? I won't slow you down!" They sounded desperate, even to their own ears. They hated it. But they hated the notion of being left behind even more.

"No, listen... Listen to me. We've worked alongside each other for decades, you know you can trust me. So please, trust me when I say this isn't the quest for you."

Whumpee opened their mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Their facade was crumbling at a rapid speed. "It is about the state my body's in, isn't it? Don't lie, please. Not you. We– we all know I'm not in recovery. We all know this isn't gonna get any better. Is this it for me? Am I not–" Their voice broke, and they couldn't ignore the tears shining in their friend's eyes either. "Am I not of any use anymore? Will I never go on a quest with you again?"

Caretaker carefully sat down on the bed next to them, then took a slow, deep breath. "You're right," they said eventually, and it looked as though the words hurt them just as much as they hurt Whumpee. "We've been dancing around this entire topic because... because you're such an integral part of the team. We couldn't imagine the team without you. We told ourselves you would get better, and everything would go back to normal." Caretaker cleared their throat, probably looking for the right words to let them down.

"It doesn't have to go back to normal," Whumpee tried. "I'm telling you, I can handle myself. I can– I can do just as much as any of the newbies–"

"Whumpee..."

They sighed, the last of their hope leaving them on the exhale. Right. They were being ridiculous. "I get it," they said quietly. "Thanks for being honest with me. It's... certainly better than leading me on." They wiped away a tear, trying to keep it together for just a few more minutes. "I'll get out of here as soon as I can find a place for myself."

Caretaker's eyes widened. "Get out? Whumpee–"

"I don't want to be a fucking burden. You should already be on your way with the rest of the team, and yet here you are consoling me."

"No, no, Whumpee..." Caretaker took their hand in their own, looking into their eyes with sincerity they hadn't experienced in months. "The team and I have decided that it's best for you to stay out of quests, yes. I'm sorry that none of us was brave enough to tell you that directly. But Whumpee, look around– we're full of new members. New members who would be honoured to learn from you. We thought... we thought it'd be incredible if you could teach the newer generation everything you've learned."

Whumpee blinked, confused and speechless. "Me? Teaching..?"

Caretaker nodded. "Only if you want to, of course. But make no mistake — nobody wants you to leave. You're family, Whumpee. You're so amazing at what you do. And, well..." They chuckled, shrugging a little. "I'm not young anymore either. This is likely my last quest. After this, we could... we could start properly training the newer guys.

Together."

~

general drabbles taglist: @ashh-ed @whumpsday @whump-queen @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @rosewriteswhump @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @whumpkinpie @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @whump-em @cyborg0109 @morning-star-whump @justanotherlokifan @2in1whump @lthrboy @justletmereadmywhump @florissimps

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Sun: You are nothing. You are useless. We were right to hate you. Moon was right to leave you behind. I should kill you right now and get rid of a burden to this universe.

Eclipse, checking his claws: Anything else?

Sun: How are you not affected by that in the slightest! I hit on every issue you have!

Eclipse: Oh, it hurts, trust me. But you think I haven’t told myself those exact words before and cried? I’ll cry about it later, when I’m not being threatened.

Sun: I...I’m concerned...

[arionawrites]

decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

[rythyme]

if i had a nickel for every time a queer romcom story featured a hot bisexual college athlete with amazing hair and an arm band tattoo who acts like he's super cool and aloof but is actually a huge nerd with a massive crush on his grumpy teammate... i'd have two nickels. which isn't lot but it's weird that it happened twice

[agreatandhonorablesoldier]

alex being a child of divorce is fundamental in his character development, in how he approaches life and his relationship with henry and changing it for the movie was a misstep and in the essay I will

[vizthedatum]

It’s really hard to shake those thoughts of “I’m just a drain on resources, and I have nothing to give” when you’re traumatized while going through PMDD.

I’m trying.

And sitting with it too.

And… it’s true! I have very little to give when I’m like this. I am a drain and I am drained.

But I have to tell myself this too: I have everything to give just by being here. I have a right to take up space. I have a right to joy and sadness and anger and grief and everything.

And that this period is temporary just like any other life moment.

—

Sigh.

Still feels like an absolute nightmare though.

I’m missing people who I’ll likely never speak to again.

And I’m feeling like I’m the worst partner ever.

I have a strong urge to push everyone away right now (because so many people have let me down in the past… and even if there were valid (and not so valid) reasons for it all, I still felt abandoned).

—

So here I am stewing in my puddle of worth… feeling anything but worthy.

[digitdeer]

i know i may not be the most important person in peoples’ lives but every once in a while i get enough attention to keep me going :>

[gcldfanged]

Sometimes I think about Jae's tendency to assume/want to assume traits from other people to point of mimicking their appearance and personality because they're important to the people he develops complex feelings about (Vincent for Verdot, Verdot for Tseng, general kind of look/attitude for Ruluf) and it makes me sad because he doesn't think he himself in his default state is enough to warrant similar attention. He's constantly trying to become someone else who already has an important place in someone's heart and even if he manages to somehow be similar to them, he'll never BE them in any capacity, so he's kinda doomed to disappoint and 'not be enough' from the start.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Abandoment wounds and how they may show up: - when we meet someone we are interested in, we are more concerned about how they feel for us than what we really feel for them - we have an hard time leaving relationships, even those that hurt us; we may even try to reconnect with an ex or a person that has made it clear they aren't interested - if we perceive the other as if they're lacking interest we think the fault is ours and feel bad about it (we may simply be different people with different interests and it's fine; or they may be distant for any other reason: they have a life and feel emotions too) - we tend to people please, give too much and too easily away; we may also accept to have our needs unmet just to keep a quiet environment and not upset the other with "our stupid needs" (so wrong! our needs are as worthy as the other's person; we are teaching them we're not worthy by doing this and not everyone can see this as a mental/emotional issue) - we may date people that we think we can fix or save, and find comfort cause we kinda have a goal and feel needed despite the whole relationship is prolly toxic and we're only ending up burning out and neglecting ourselves - we try to avoid difficult or serious conversations and avoid conflicts cause we feel we may upset the other person and they would like us less or even leave us (so we wear masks and don't allow ourselves to have deep and meaningful relationships that have solid bases) - we may have trust issues, not see the other person's intentions or not trusting their words and only worry they will leave us (spoiler: it may happen cause the relationship may grow tense and stressing for both of you... and mostly cause of your mind talking you with fear. So have a talk first with it and also about all your fears with the other person)

[asimplearchivist]

sometimes the only way someone can physically mentally and/or emotionally stand to be kind to themselves is to romanticize themselves in prose

[mejomonster]

i’m not good with words so i probably won’t describe it right. but the black/white mentality online sometimes of things with any flaws being ‘pure evil/need to be destroyed’ and expecting the alternative to be whatever arbitrary things the person decided are ‘perfectly healthy’... does not do anyone good.

i mean yes, we could go into it being an extension of purity culture, of conservatism mindset etc but like. at an even more basic level, especially because online spaces have a lot of younger people:

its really bad to view YOURSELF that way. and when you’re viewing even things way outside you that way, you might be viewing yourself that way. that relationship in X novel is bad because person 1 didn’t communicate right away, and even if they learn and improve through the novel you’ve already decided they’re “too flawed”, or maybe the person 1 never fully improves since its a novel and ‘awful’ to ‘moderately decent at relationships’ is the arc instead of moderately decent to ‘perfect.’ 

But my point is, about yourself: no one is perfect. You will NEVER be perfect. Please don’t hold yourself to the expectation you MUST BE PERFECT and anything less makes you pure evil/irredeemable/awful and unworthy of being treated fairly. The best anyone can do in this life, is try their best, notice when they do happen to mess up or someone lets them know they have, and practice trying to do better next time. You can improve yourself for a lifetime, for decades go to therapy and do all the right exercises and work on yourself every time you slip up even a little AND give yourself breaks so you don’t work yourself to death being overly critical of yourself nonstop... and still by your death you won’t be perfect. 

When I see people get very intensely angry about fiction being imperfect, about wanting it ‘perfect,’ it makes me worry maybe they can’t take and accept their own imperfections. That they see themselves as pure good or evil too, and either naively think of themselves as “perfect” which leads to ignoring when you do actually harm others or yourself (which will happen sometimes), or think of themselves already as irredeemably bad and never able to fix it (since any imperfection even if working on it is “not good enough” according to such a thought process). And that’s an awful way to live. You need to be able to care for yourself NOW, think you’re worthy of respect and fairness NOW, think others critiques of you can be put to constructive use so you can grow, think of yourself as the sum of all the years of growing and improving you ALREADY DID and how that’s a wonderful amazing thing you’ve accomplished! 

This purity culture idea just seems like its very prone to making the people sucked into it self hate because humans just never can be fully perfect, or sucked into never improving and growing and rejecting times they maybe should for their own wellbeing because admitting they have any flaws makes them forever ‘awful.’ That’s not true. You’re not inherently bad, period. You’re not bad for having flaws, you’re normal and human and alive. It’s okay to have flaws, its okay to gradually work on them because humans can only improve so much at a time, its okay to realize 2 decades later that oh you still have this negative thing you do and then maybe work on it then. The reality is we will never be perfect, we will still find our share of some kinds of flaws when we’re very old and about to die, and we need to be able to accept ourselves and appreciate the progress we constantly make and recognize we are valuable and inherently okay as people even when there are still flaws or new flaws come up.