#these two are so fucking INSANE how they haven’t gone mad is a MIRACLE

[scribesynnox]

“What is this warm feeling that Juiz gives me?”

Like, we’re ALL thinking it’s love. And it is! It’s definitely love! But.. is that an accurate word to describe it? Surely there has to be a better word, something more than just “love”.

Because how do you describe a love that keeps a man sane for 455.4 billion years? That keeps a man witnessing the death and creation of a planet over and over again just because he won’t leave his partner alone?

How do you describe a love that can fuel a weapon capable of killing god? That gives a woman enough anger and vengeance to halt the sun itself?

How do you describe a love that never wavers or falters and remains steadfast over billions of years?

Where do you even begin?

“Love” is a powerful word but holy shit, I’m not sure it’s enough to describe what they have.

“What is this warm feeling Juiz gives me?” Good fucking question, man. It’s definitely love. But maybe it’s more too. God damn.

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 19/?

Word Count: 4.1k

Author’s Note:

Warnings: Mentions of the court system, fighting, swearing, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

 Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Time Skip lol, February, next year. Finals.

She and Jason had been together for 6 months around February. When finals started coming up. The distance and tension between the two was fucking palpable. They hadn't fought or anything, but the stress between them had caused a slight riff. They just had space to focus on their studies.

They would see each other at work. She was his secretary. Everyone, all their friends, even their families, swore they just needed to bone. Which, considering they both heard about this from Bruce first, didn't mean they wanted to do it.

If you had asked Y/N, she would have said she wasn't dressing for Jason. But that was a lie. She was tempted to go with the advice everyone was giving them, especially before they went into their first finals exam. She walked into his office.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Well, I'm your secretary. Seeing if you need anything."

"I don't."

She turned to walk out.

"That doesn't mean you can walk out."

She smiled to herself, "Alright." She sat on the chair in front of his desk, "I won't walk out."

"Mhm."

She frowned, he didn't even look up from his computer. "What do you want me here for, Jay?"

"Close the blinds on all my windows, baby."

"It'll become dark."

"Good."

"Your eyes will fry from the light of your computer."

"Trust me, they won't."

"Uh-huh," she doubted as she closed the blinds.

Jason walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head in the crook of her shoulder. She smiled and leaned her head on his.

"Exams fucking suck," Jason said.

"Couldn't have guessed from the riff in our relationship, really? You don't say?" she sarcastically retorted.

"It's not like we had it easy this entire time, either."

"Fuck you don't say? At least my attacker was admitted to Arkham and my friends got out."

"Can't catch a break," he paused because his buzzer went, "Can't catch a fucking break!" he exclaimed, exasperated. He went and answered it, "Jason Todd, who's using Y/N (Last Name)'s buzzer," he said, sounding annoyed.

"Hey, it's Dick. You two aren't fucking right, B will be pissed."

"Shut up. We aren't. What do you want."

"Someone's pissed. I need paperwork."

"Come and get it."

She crossed her arms and laughed when Dick entered the room. She slightly waved. He slightly waved back.

"You know, you two should bone. But not here," Dick joked. He walked over to one of the many, many filing cabinets to search for the paperwork he needed.

"You're really just riding the wave into Jason running you down, aren't you?" Y/N said.

"Well, we're always up for sparring."

"It probably won't be sparring, Dick. You know your brother. He's staring daggers into the back of your head."

"For Valentine's, I'll be giving Barbara the stress of taking care of me after Jason beats me to a pulp."

"At least you'll get one last Gala?" she joked.

"Will you be coming?"

"She will," Jason said.

"Amazing. Don't fuck on the dance floor," Dick joked.

"Fuck you."

"Love you too, Jase," he turned to walk out, "Love you too, Y/N."

"I'll be sure to tell you I love you at your funeral, Dick," she joked as he walked out. She paused before turning to Jason, "Gala?"

"Come, please," he said before going to hug her. "I miss you."

"You see me every day, Love."

"But we haven't been," he paused, "Well, a couple. In weeks. I miss you. The fun one who got me to run down the streets of Gotham on a skateboard."

"Dress code?"

"White tie."

"Dammnit. Guess I'm shopping."

"I'll give you my debit card?"

"I don't need it, baby. However," she joked, "I sure will take it."

He laughed and forked it over to her, "Don't spend my Ph.D. funds."

"I will gladly spend your Ph.D. funds."

"No," he laughed, "Please, I need those."

"I mean if you insist I spend it all," she said, laughing.

"The Gala's later tonight, you can take the rest of the day off."

"Kind of you to do."

"I know, I'm a gentleman."

"Truly," she kissed him. "I'll see you tonight."

"Can I come to get you?"

"Feel free too."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you," she said before she left the office.

Getting into her car, she fumbled with the mirror a bit. She looked like a mom. The bags under her eyes and the formal get-up for an office job did her in.

They had said "I love you" for the first time around Christmas. She wished she caught the moment where they were fucking around and she just said it.

The Christmas lights surrounded them, hung in the trees. They had gone to see the New York City tree in Times Square. He was setting up a photo to take of the two of them and she just said it.

She could have sworn his fucking eyes lit up with green. Like they glowed.

Reminiscing on those small moments with Jason was something that would make her smile without fail. That man somehow unlocked a new set of feelings, stronger feelings. She was in touch with herself.

She went to her house first, to see how A/N was doing. To see her on the steps. She pulled into the driveway.

"Hey, you good?"

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, of course. Why?"

"I have to go get a dress for a Wayne Gala trademark, do you want to come to help me?"

"Of course I do!"

---------------------

"I guess you could say we didn't narrow shit down about a dress," Y/N joked as she came out in the 16th dress she had tried on.

"Okay, well, that one is the best so far," A/N said, seeming like they finally made progress.

"Wow, this is news, we've narrowed it down."

"Honestly consider it a miracle. Thank God Jason let you go from work early. Are you getting a full day's pay?" A/N asked.

"Probably. I told Bruce I didn't want a full day's pay if I wasn't there, but Bruce said it was in my contract. I think he's just being generous," Y/N said with a sigh.

"Did you not read your contract?"

"I did! That's why I think he's being generous. I don't think I'd forget something like that."

"Watch you did forget those words. You should ask him to see your contract, if he's disobeying it then the board members are probably at his ass about it," A/N explained.

"God, please no. I would hate being a contention point for the board members."

"They probably want you fired. And they're probably mad that you won't be fired because you're with Jason."

"Well, I'm also just a great secretary"

"See, each time you say that I assume it's because you give him a little something-something under his desk every day."

"I'll have you know we've never had sex in that office."

"Did you have sex in another office?" A/N questioned.

"I'm pleading the 5th to any further questioning."

"Wait, oh my god."

"Nope! Going to go try on another dress and ignore you now!" Y/N exclaimed with a joking tone.

"This one's the best," A/N said.

"We're making progress! I'm thinking if I go with this one, I add gloves."

"God, are you trying to give Jason a hard-on?"A/N joked.

"I would like to plead the 5th to any further questioning on the matter," Y/N retorted.

"You're evil. If you're going to be evil, you might as well wear a suit."

"I wish. After all the shit I've been through, I want to stick it to the fucks who keep judging me. I'm already so jeopardized, though. Jason goes through a lot of shit dating me. I'll wear the dress."

"Old white people are old white people."

"Well, Bruce is nice at least. If he's judgemental, at least I don't hear about it on the news," Y/N said and twirled. "Yeah, this one. I like this one."

"I also like that one. There's something about silk. Always gets someone to look like 50 million dollars. Probably worth that too."

Y/N fumbled with the tag, "It's not pure silk, so it's less. Only 1000$."

"Only 1000$? God, that's like our rent."

"Rent is more."

"Well if we weren't in a house it would be the same. That's insane. That's like 3-4 months of groceries."

"I know it's a lot to us commonfolk, but Jason is rich. He wouldn't mind. We might, but he wouldn't."

"Yeah, but do you feel okay with spending that much of his money?"

"I have no idea. We'll see. I'll go try another dress on."

"This is cute," Y/N said.

"Well of course it is, it's probably worth your college scholarship, though."

"God, don't remind me of prices."

"It's hard to forget prices when we're given a lot of money to spend."

"We can't spend all of it!"

"What's he using it for?" A/N asked in a half-joke.

"He's getting a Ph.D. in Criminal Psychology when we graduate."

"Okay, okay. So he needs it."

"Yeah, he doesn't let Bruce pay his bills, remember. He's making his own money, minus the working-for-his-dad part."

"Yeah, the working for Bruce part seems a bit counterintuitive."

"If he's getting paid, it doesn't matter to him."

"What's it even like working with his family? Especially with the tension between you and Jason?"

"It sucks. Jason and I haven't fought, yet. We have to act like we aren't fighting. Which makes everyone think we are fighting. Which makes both of us mad. Because apparently," she paused, "The way to fix fighting is having sex, apparently."

"So have sex?"

"Shut up."

"Family on your nerves?" A/N asked.

"They're so involved, but I love them all. I just wish we had a moment alone, I know it's hard to do in a fucking office, but still."

"Go try on another dress. Show up looking like a million bucks."

"You are simply so right."

"I feel like this is the mature version of the black sparkly spaghetti straps one," A/N said.

"It's like you mashed a bunch of words together and suddenly I have to sell you my first-born son."

"Well, it's true!" She laughed, "It's a grown-up version, what someone, old white people, would expect of you."

"Old white people expect a lot."

"Jason's going to be one, one day," A/N joked.

"He's got not-white features," Y/N said, trying to picture his face. There was something about him. Something not-white. She had always picked up on it, but she could never tell what it was.

"Well, it's not like you can ask his mom her ethnicity."

"Jeez, that would be so rude of me to do. Let's just say it's... it's not my place."

"He's got secrets?" A/N questioned.

"Tall, handsome, mysterious. That's my Jason."

"A little bit of everything, all of the time," A/N said in a sing-song tune, specifically the "Welcome to the Internet" tune.

"Don't quote Bo Burnham to me, that album broke me," Y/N joked

"Who didn't it break? Oh, wait, probably Jason."

"He probably sobbed like a baby at it, I don't know where you got the "Emotionless" trope from, A/N."

"Can you blame me? He's a Wayne."

"Those are some of the most emotionally connected people I know? Like, genuinely, they're probably more in touch with themselves than you and I."

"Well, they don't exactly have the reputation for being able to discern their emotions, you know."

"You need to stop interacting with tabloids and their articles," Y/N said, seeming exasperated with the tabloids and the line of conversation. But that was nothing new. She hated the press, the articles, the paparazzi. She hated them all.

"Yeah, probably. You hate them for a reason."

"Do you not know about that time they made it so we couldn't get into our car?" Y/N asked.

"You did, you did."

"Fuckin' tabloids."

"Go try on another dress before you explode from rage."

"Valid," Y/N said, laughing.

"God, if only this wasn't a white tie event," Y/N said and sighed.

"I mean, you could just wear it."

"I will get my ass handed to me, however," she said, taking a picture, "Maybe Jason will just let me get it if I pay him back?"

"You don't have the money right now?" A/N asked.

"I need to get paid and I'll have enough," Y/N explained.

"Don't tell me this is worth more than our rent."

"I will just simply not tell you."

"Girl, you can't."

"Money is dumb and I hate it."

A/N laughed, "Which one do you want to go with?"

"Uh, probably the silk one."

"Temptress."

"I will literally buy and wear a corset to make Jason's life hard to get you off my back," Y/N laughed.

"I implore you to do so for the joke."

"Shut up," Y/N joked.

She still sent the picture of the last dress to Jason off-handedly. Asked him how he felt about it since she knew she loved it.

Why don't you just get it? He had sent back.

Can't afford it.

I can.

Please let me pay you back for this.

Just take me on a date.

I can do that.

You should.

I'll see you soon.

She laughed and grabbed both dresses.

"Jason's buying both?" A/N asked.

"Mhm! I have to take him on a fun date in return."

"You were probably going to do it both ways, honestly."

"You just know me so well."

-----------------------

They had gone and gotten the gloves before heading back to their house. Laughing and blasting rock songs the entire time. There was something about the bass running through the car and having the windows rolled down while screaming the songs. It was insane.

One of the songs they blasted was "I Think I'm OKAY" by Machine Gun Kelly and YUNGBLUD, switching out the vocals. It was fun to take breaks like that and, just enjoy each other's presence. Especially during finals season, where both of them were stressed because of their respective finals.

Everyone was stressed. Finals did that to everyone. Whether someone was in school or not, they felt the teenagers and college students lose their minds about it.

They got out of the car at their home and took the dresses inside. A/N went to go study in her room while Y/N went to go hang up her dresses. She entered her room and instantly remembered why she hated her laptop.

The laptop fan was deafening, it's why she barely had Jason over at her house anymore. She cleaned it constantly but, it kept going and going.

She brought it to the Wayne Manor over the Winter Break because she had work to do but wanted to see Jason, and everyone, everyone, commented on the thing.

They compared it to a screaming goat, an electronic mess, a horse-powered fan, anything they could put together with electronic, goat and fan, they called the laptop that.

Bruce even offered to buy her a new one, but she declined. She didn't think it was broken, so it didn't need to be replaced or fixed. If it was still in working condition, she was going to use it until it bluescreened on her.

Much to everyone's dismay.

She hated the fucking thing. So if she could drown it out with music, you bet your ass she did. She was grateful that her parents had sent it to her, but she assumed it was because they hated it too. She was right. No one liked that laptop.

She went to go shower. She figured if she fucked with her appearance and hair a bit, then the press would get off her back. She hadn't exactly tried to impress them thus far. But she wanted to just live her life.

She figured doing her hair, makeup, wearing the right clothes, she'd get harassed less. There was a lot of pressure dating a Wayne, she had realized.

She was constantly in the media, somehow she became an idol for little girls in the span of months. It was a lot for someone to take on. She embraced it normally. With open arms normally.

But A/N had told her that she started sleep-talking. Screaming about the eyes, the people watching her. She knew it was probably connected to the stress she was under dating Jason, but she really didn't want to deal with it.

If she ignored it, no one could tell her to deal with it. If she hid it, no one had to see it. She was looking into soundproofing her room so that A/N didn't have to see it.

Was it healthy to do that? Probably not. Probably far from the concept of healthy coping mechanisms.

She got out of the shower and started playing with her appearance. If she ended up with loud makeup and hair after this, she was going to just accept it.

She did end up with pretty loud eyeshadow. But her hair was fine, as acceptable as it could get for everyone judging her. Only nude lipstick that was just two, maybe three shades darker than her skin was what she needed. She kind of overdid the eyeshadow, so it had to be balanced.

Nerves by Icon for Hire was playing in her room. And in a way, that was how she felt. There was a lot of feeling in her, that she wasn't made for the life she was starting to lead. That being an idol was how she was going, but she couldn't do it.

She sighed and put on heels. White heels. It would be easier to put them on before the dress and gloves. The corset came on next. IT wasn't anything special, and she was capable of putting it on without help.

But then the dress.

"She loved that dress, but it wasn't the other one. The other one sparked a little bit of joy in her, while this one just conformed to everyone's opinions of her.

She wanted to wear the other one, so, so, fucking badly.

And finally the gloves. It was an outfit she thought was cute but would be torn to shreds in the media. She knew that.

The media liked to eat her alive.

Part of her wanted a break from it all. The other part wanted to do an interview with the press, to shit-talk all of them and make them weep. She wanted to be the one to destroy them.

Revenge was best served cold though, and the rage was far too hot in her head to even begin a proper essay on why they sucked.

She turned off the music in her room and was greeted with the lovely sounds of her computer fan. Comforting, but hatred.

Jason was going to be there any minute. Was she even ready for a Gala?

They had been through so much.

---------------------------------

She walked to his car. He brought one of the fancy ones.

"You couldn't just like, own a not expensive car?" she joked.

"Why would I do that?"

She laughed and handed him his debit card, "I don't know, to keep the press off your ass?"

"I think they'd find us no matter what," he said as he backed out of her driveway, "You look beautiful by the way."

"Thank you, Love. You're as handsome as always."

"Simp."

"Alas, I admit it," she joked as she turned on the radio. "I swear the media is going to have a field day today."

"When do they not?"

"That's fair."

"I'm sorry this school year's been fucking our relationship," he sighed, "We deserve better and a better chance than what we've been dealt."

"Unfortunately that's how school works."

"Fuck school sometimes. Not everyone gets as hit as badly as us."

"It's the psychology teachers. If any teachers are strict, they are."

"We still deserve a break."

"Well, there's always when finals are over."

"I swear we're doing something nice when finals end."

"That's not that hard to do."

The tension in that car was palpable. Truly, you could cut that with a knife. A diamond's edge.

They got to the Gala before anyone, except the Waynes.

"Hey lot," Y/N said.

"Y/N! Glad you could make it!" Stephanie said and pulled her into a hug, "The guys suck, so I like you the most today."

She laughed, "What did they do?"

"They won't play rooftop tag with me."

"Why do you even play that game?" Y/N asked.

"Agility! I'm a track star, duh. I drag them with me."

"Ah, how could I be so foolish," she laughed as Stephanie pulled her towards the other girls. Y/N waved at the boys while laughing. "You do know I have a boyfriend who wants to see me, right?"

"It's Jason."

"Good observation."

"Shut up. I claim you."

"You can't claim me!" she jokingly exclaimed, loud enough for the boys to hear.

"Steph, that's my girlfriend!" Jason yelled back.

"Not anymore!" She yelled as she pulled Y/N into the building.

"Explanation?" Y/N asked, "Do you have an issue or something?"

"I don't. Babs does."

"Go on?"

"Ask her."

Y/N sighed and walked up to Barbara and Cassandra, "I heard you have an issue or something?"

"Yes! You! Okay so," Barbara said, "We're all worried about you and Jason."

"Oh, Jeez," Y/N sighed.

"No no, listen. We can feel the tension. Have you been fighting?"

"I told you before, we aren't."

"Then what is it? 'Cause I'm known for being a detective, hello, I'm Jim Gordon's daughter. And even I can't figure it out."

"Probably exams. Exams suck."

"Oh! It's because you're not used to the fame," Cassandra said.

"Okay, Cassie. Listen, it's-"

"It is isn't it!" Stephanie exclaimed.

"Ugh. Yes. Are you happy now?"

"C'mon, it isn't that bad is it?" Barbara asked.

"It is. They've been at my throat with daggers ever since I met Jason."

"Who's been at your throat with daggers?" Jason asked.

"Don't worry about it," Y/N said before anyone could open their mouths and say to the contrary.

"Well, then. Everyone should be here soon," Bruce said. "Wish we had entertainment this time."

"Can't Y/N sing?" Tim asked.

"Uh, yeah?" Y/N said.

"So sing," Tim said.

"Tim. C'mon. Don't do me like this, man."

"Think about it," Bruce said and put a hand on her shoulder, "It could be fun."

She laughed and everyone scattered except her and Jason.

"So, the daggers comment?" he asked.

"Media reference."

He sighed, "You can always step out of the spotlight, my love. Step down, walk away from their eyes but still be in mine."

"I'll think about it."

He took her hands, "You should think quicker," he joked.

She laughed and he pulled her into the ballroom she knew all-too-well at this point. The first time she was there ran through her mind like no one was watching, the beauty in her memory for capturing it like that.

She knew once the pictures were released she'd probably attempt to paint it.

Galas were stuffy and full of people. She didn't like the people aspect. When strangers would come up to her and start talking, she'd get freaked out. They knew her, but she didn't know them.

She wasn't involved in getting to know people high-up in the world. She was a simple secretary who was dating one of the CEOs.

She'd get twirled around by people's sons. Stuck in dances and conversations. She almost always found herself with one of the Waynes after she ran from someone she didn't know.

She did figure if she sang she'd get away from everyone. So, in a fit of trying to get away, she found her way to Selina.

"Hey!" she said.

"Y/N! Are you running again?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Do you want to sing or something, Bruce said he asked you to."

"He did, and I figured, "Fuck it" so here I am."

Jason came up just as she said that, "Duet?" he asked.

"Now that's an idea and a half."

"You kids, always doing crazy stuff," Selina joked, "Le me see what I can do for 'ya."

"We're really doing this?" Jason asked as Selina slinked off.

"I guess so!" she exclaimed and he pulled her in for a kiss.

"Really saying "Fuck you" to the press today, huh?"

"Well, they're always saying "Fuck you" to me."

[danjo-ao3]

When Ashes Fall p.5

Pairing: Reaper/female Reader

Summary: You are a combat medic working for Overwatch, when a mission goes south and you cross paths with Talon mercenary Reaper. But will he kill you on the spot or is there more to this encounter?

Rating: 18+

Tags/Warnings: rape/non-con, violence, blood, emotional manipulation, blackmail, kidnapping

Word count: 52,215 (in 5 parts)

A/N: the warnings are clear on this one. Yes, there is going to be rape/non-con, and it’s going to get explicit. I strongly advise anyone who is not into that kind of story to turn back around, because this is going to get pretty heavy and will finally be the non-con story with Reaper that I had always wanted to write.

Part 5 / 5 (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4)

***

 “Ah!”

 Your feeble cry ended in a long drawn-out moan. Sometime after Reaper had started to rock into you again, he was beginning to caress you everywhere he could. It was as if he had needed to fuck you hard and fast to get it out of his system, and now he had all the time in the world to actually pay attention.

 At least that’s what it felt like to you.

 He was getting you to that level of arousal again that had you sweating and moaning uncontrollably. When he was not kissing or licking you somewhere, he murmured Spanish words against your skin.

 You didn’t like where this was going any more than what had happened a few moments ago.

 It all felt too real, too emotional. Your nerves were raw, the edges frayed and vulnerable.

 When he pressed forward it was with an unhurried roll of his hips that hit you differently now, he stared at your face with half lidded eyes, red orbs drawn to the shape of your mouth. Whenever he did something you reacted to with a moan or a bite to your lips, he seemed to take mental note of it. And then he did it again. And again, until you were a whimpering, shuddering mess.

 Now that your body had had some time to adjust to his size, it was a lot more comfortable. Pleasurable even.

 It really felt incredible.

 And you hated him so much for it.

 This wasn’t supposed to feel good at all, he was still fucking raping you. And here you were, moaning around his cock like a whore. What the hell was wrong with you?

Don’t be so hard on yourself, a small voice chided you.

 You weren’t exactly sure which was worse; the way he had simply taken what he wanted from you, or the way he was obviously trying to get you to enjoy your own abuse.

 All of it was fucking with your head.

 And it felt like he’d been at it for hours now. He was obviously trying to get you to come on his dick this time, then why was he drawing it out like this?

 It was too hot in your room, the friction between you two was stifling, Reaper himself was practically burning your skin where he was touching you, waves of heat radiated off of him, at the same time that black mist was swirling around and was soothingly cool where it kissed your sweaty body.

 You moaned in both agony and pleasure, although the latter was definitely outshining anything else you felt at the moment. It was building again, another approaching orgasm promising sweet release.

 It was obvious that Reaper was holding himself back, he was working you up and determined to get you off this time. So there was no getting out of this without you reaching that peak.

 Another plethora of foreign words whispered against your ear sent shivers all over your body, your legs shook where they lay spread around his hips, the muscles no longer able to function properly. Your mind was slowly starting to drift amidst the heat and how your head swayed with his thrusts.

 “—ine, mariquita.”  

 His last words made your ears perk up, while you’d started to zone out he had partially shifted back to English. But you’d only caught the end of the sentence.

 You wanted to ask what he’d said but just as you opened your mouth to speak he hit you at that angle that had you moan in abandon.

 His teeth grazed against your jaw, and your heart jumped into your throat at the feeling.

 “Mine,” he repeated, and in the darkness his red eyes flashed where they stared into yours. The expression on his face was overwhelming. Ecstasy and pleasure was written all over it, but underneath was that always present otherworldly demonic quality that was so terrifying it left you speechless.

 A full bodied sob shook you as he leaned even closer and hissed “You’re      mine.” There was nothing remotely human in the way he sounded, you couldn’t describe how his voice grated over your senses, how it rattled you to the core and took away the very last remnants of hope that you’d dared to hold on to.

 Now that he had found the angle that had you wailing in pleasure, he was hitting that spot mercilessly. All you could do was try to keep breathing through it, you were no longer able to stop making sounds.

 He was hitting you just right, but not fast enough to send you over the edge.

 Your voice was giving out at one point, screeching and hoarse moans was all that came forth now. Eyes screwed shut in exhaustion and concentration, you balled your hands into fists above where he was still holding them down onto the mattress.

 You couldn’t take this anymore.

 “Please,” you whispered hoarsely, eyes wet and stinging.

 And by some strange kind of miracle Reaper actually listened. Gradually, he sped up. It only took a few more long strokes of his cock for you to reach your release with a long broken whimper.

 When you zoned back in, you felt how he came inside you one more time, accompanied by a low growl that he released into the darkness of your room.

 For a long time nothing happened, Reaper was still between your legs, his hands around your wrists and you two were just breathing hard. You couldn’t bring yourself to open your eyes, you were too tired of having to see him. Of that smug look of satisfaction on his stupid, handsome demon face.

 Finally, he released your arms, pulled back and slowly slid out of you. His seed was running down between your thighs and into your sheets, it made you want to die.

Please just leave, you thought desperately. You just wanted to be left alone already, to pretend none of this ever happened. To erase his touch from your body with the hottest water your pathetic little shower could provide.

 Reaper got off the bed and it felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders, like you could breathe again. Instinctively, you turned to the side and into a fetal position, your body trembling as you hugged yourself.

 But you didn’t hear him leave at all, he seemed to be going into your bathroom instead.

 He returned to the bed shortly, the mattress dipped underneath his weight and soon his heat settled next to you again. Your skin crawled in revulsion as he brought a cool, damp cloth against the wound on your neck.

 How considerate. You wanted to punch him so badly.

 “Don’t,” you rasped quietly, defiance and anger scratching at the surface of your repressed emotions.

 He said nothing, but removed the cloth and pressed his body against your backside instead, effectively spooning you with his strong, ashen arms around your middle.

 Hot tears were burning your eyes once more. When would this torment end, why couldn’t he leave you alone already? You wanted to put your clothes back on, get a barrier between yourself and him, anything.

 Another very long moment went by before he spoke up.

 “I wasn’t always like this, you know.”

 You were stunned into silence once more.

 What?

 Goodness, was he going to tell you his life story now?

 You didn’t respond, not wanting to encourage him to stay longer than necessary. You didn’t care for his vulnerable-side-act at all.

 But he went on, unbothered by your silence.

 “I haven’t felt anything in… years.” His voice ghosted over your shoulder between small kisses. “Not since you touched me. There is something in that blood of yours that makes me–” he stopped and searched for the right words, his fingers squeezing your hip. “–it drives me insane.” A dark chuckle that caused goosebumps to rise along your arms. “More than usual.”

 Fuck, you didn’t want to hear any of this, his fucked up excuse for raping you.

 “How nice for you.”

 “Don’t be like that mariquita.” How dare he sound so nonchalant and amused at this. “I’m sorry about your neck,” he murmured and pressed a soft kiss to the wound. It stung and you winced, trying to pull away from Reaper’s embrace. He held on tightly, nosing into your neck further, inhaling your scent. “I won’t bite you next time,” he promised with his teeth bared in a grin and your heart came to a stop.

 Next time?

 He had just confirmed your worst fear. Your head spun around to stare at him in shock. But his smirk spoke volumes.

 “No,” you whispered feebly, head shaking in denial.

 Reaper chuckled darkly, one hand holding your face in a deceivingly soft touch.

 “I don’t think you listened to me,” his face fell a little. “I need this, I need to feel this.” An edge of madness had crept into his eyes, into the way he spoke those words through his teeth, and how the previously gentle hold of his hands turned into unforgiving grips of desperation.

 You whined. No, no, no… not again, never again. When a tear escaped your wide, fearful eyes, it seemed to startle Reaper out of his current headspace. His fingers relaxed again, his thumb even wiped away the moisture from your cheek.

 His face had gone back to his usual expression of disinterest and general broodiness.

 “You are mine,” he said, a finality to his tone that stood at odds with the soft caresses he made to your face and sides. When you didn’t answer him–because, what were you supposed to say to that?–he turned you around to face him fully and pulled you closely.

 At this point, there was no fight left in you, he was able to manipulate your body however he saw fit. His right hand resumed his spot on the side of your face, angling it up so you had to look him in the eyes while he was pressed against you again.

 The two of you were just staring at each other, Reaper with satisfaction, and you with silent resignation.

 When he pulled you towards him you managed to whisper “I hate you,” before he closed the distance and kissed you.

***

 The days were blending together while you were holed up alone in your room. A simple sick note to the lab excused your absence, explaining in a few words that you would not be present for a couple of days.

 Surprisingly, Casey came to visit you on the third day. She had brought chicken soup and encouraging words. You’d noticed how she hadn’t taken a single step inside, even though you’d offered her a seat.

 A turtleneck sweater was hiding the marks on your throat from view, even though they had begun to fade already thanks to your accelerated healing. Still, you were paranoid that they were visible and you absolutely did not want to have that conversation with anyone.

 A knock at your door startled you from where you sat on your armchair eating the lukewarm soup that tasted like watered down broth, even though your stomach was thankful for the sustenance, you hadn’t eaten since you’d called in sick. Thinking it was Casey again, you didn’t bother to look through the door’s peephole and opened it.

 Ogundimu was standing on the other side, white elegantly cut suit and gold frame sunglasses accentuating his expensive taste in clothes. With a small smile he greeted you and boldly stepped inside, almost knocking you out of his way had you not made room for him.

 You watched him as he looked around, assessing your living conditions. Just now you realized that your room was pretty messy. Clothes were lying on the ground, the bed was still unmade from three nights ago. You were sleeping in your armchair now, you couldn’t even look at the bed for longer than a second.

 Ogundimu looked out of place in your small shabby room, he did not belong here at all.

 “Did you need something?” You asked after a few seconds, already annoyed at his presence.

 “Actually,” he said and turned around to you, taking off his glasses in the process, “I wanted to see if there was something you needed.” His eyes roamed over your front, no doubt judging your choice of clothes and messy hair.

 Self-consciously, you rubbed at your arm.

 “I’m good,” you lied.

 “Excellent, because I need you in fighting condition in two days.”

 You just gawked at him. Was he talking about another mission? Another mission… with Reaper? Cold dread settled in your stomach.

 “I–I don’t know if I…” you stammered and averted your eyes to the floor.

 You heard Ogundimu take a few steps towards you.

 “I almost forgot,” he murmured and held out a chip towards you. Confused, you looked up at him again. “Here’s the pin code for that bank account we spoke about.”

 You knew there must have been various emotions flitting across your face right then from the way Ogundimu was studying you. Shock, denial, sadness, and anger made you ball your hands into fists.

 After a deep breath to calm you down you answered him.

 “I don’t want your money.”

 His eyes squinted, first in suspicion, but then his mouth split in a small grin.

 “The mission brief is tomorrow at 0700 sharp,” Ogundimu changed the subject and laid the chip down on your coffee table, put his shades back on and was moving to your door again. “Don’t be late,” he said before he left.

 Three days. It had only been three days since you’d last seen Reaper. It was too soon, you couldn’t deal with him again. Not yet, not ever again really. With a big sigh you sunk into your armchair, the cold soup’s smell nauseating. Your eyes fell onto the small chip lying so offendingly on the table. With a grunt you grabbed it and stuffed it into your pants pocket so you didn’t have to see it anymore.

***

 You woke in a cold sweat on your chair, another nightmare had woken you early. The bedside table clock read a few minutes after six in the morning. A shaking clammy hand wiped at your face when you sat up.

Ouch, your back was hurting so much from the awkward position you’d slept in. One arm had fallen asleep and was now tingling unpleasantly. You were still tired, so unbelievably tired. It was becoming increasingly difficult to sleep at all at night, you never knew if Reaper would simply appear out of thin air when you weren’t looking. And when you actually managed to drift off it was to night terrors of a very specific kind, with whispered words about pleasure and pain, making you relive that night in vivid detail.

 “Fucking hell,” you sighed heavily and pushed off from the chair to drag yourself into the bathroom. Today was the stupid brief for some stupid mission, so you had to look presentable, you guessed. You’d really slacked off these past few days, but you didn’t care what anyone thought.

 A quick shower and brushed teeth had you feel a little better at least, although donning the informal Talon uniform jacket with the embroidered insignia made your stomach turn. That, and probably the fact that you’d only eaten one bowl of soup these past four days. Before you would go to that meeting you’d grab something to eat in the cafeteria.

 On your way there you met Dr. O’Deorain who sipped coffee from a porcelain cup.

 She called your name and waited until you approached her.

 “Seeing you here, up and about, I’m guessing you’ll be working at the lab today?” Her voice was stern, as was her face. She was probably annoyed that you’d been absent for so long.

 As you were contemplating what to say, you figured that now she had seen you it was hard to pretend to be sick anymore.

 “Uh, yeah. I guess I will.”

 “Good. There’s a lot to be done,” she answered, then took a swig from her cup. “Also, I made some adjustments to your glove. We will do some testing later.” With that off her chest she just turned and left, not bothering to wait for your answer.

 After you managed to chew on a sandwich for a few minutes you made your way to the briefing room, cup of coffee still in hand. There were only a few other agents seated around the big table in the middle, talking amongst themselves. Again you chose a seat far in the back, keeping to yourself and sipping from your paper cup sporadically.

 Just a few seconds later Ogundimu entered the room. All eyes were on him as he took his place at the head of the table.

 He stood tall and imposing, his fingertips grazed the tabletop. “Good morning,” he said, his eyes making the round. “On your screens are the coordinates for our latest mission to Numbani.”

 In front of you, a holo screen popped up. An orange map was showing a pulsing spot right over Numbani, in the top left corner a photo of a girl, smiling at the camera, underneath her name: Efi Rotìmí Opèyèmi Oluwadaré Gabrielle Oladele.

 Another assassination target. You felt nauseous again. Cold sweat broke out on your skin. They wanted to kill a child. What the hell were you still doing here?

 While Ogundimu went on about specifics for their approach you zoned out.

 Why were you even surprised at this point? They killed people all the time after all, lots of them. They apparently had no qualms about forced prostitution either, so why had you assumed they’d draw the line at child murder?

 You couldn’t look away from her happy face, her carefree countenance was so at odds with this sinister plan to kill her it made bile rise in your throat.

 The door banging open all of a sudden startled you so much you thought your heart was jumping out of your chest.

 At the entrance stood Reaper in his usual attire, mask and claws in place. You sunk back into your chair, you hadn’t been prepared to see him again so soon.

 Reaper was still as a statue, he looked around the room once before his gaze stopped on you for a second. Your breath caught as you were staring back at him, he was the most terrifying in that mask.

 The claws on his hands tightened into fists once, before his mask was turned to Ogundimu, whom he had interrupted mid sentence.

 “What is this?” Reaper asked, anger dripping from his gravelly voice.

 “Gabriel, can I help you?” Ogundimu offered with a smile. He pulled away from the table and gestured to the screen behind him. “We are in the middle of a briefing.”

 “I can see that, Akande.” He really sounded pissed now, and for once it was nice to not have that anger directed at you. He stepped inside and towards Ogundimu before continuing a little quieter. “What I’m asking is why I haven’t been informed of this mission.”

 Huh, that was interesting.

 Ogundimu smiled a placating smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 Before he gave Reaper an answer he walked to the door and then turned to the agents who were deathly silent in the face of Reaper’s anger.

 “I believe we managed to cover all the important parts, I’ll forward all the details to your communicators, you’re dismissed.”

 You’ve never seen anyone leave this fast from a mission brief and you mentally rolled your eyes at their fear. If they thought Reaper was scary now they should see him with blood on his lips and a crazed smile.

 Oh, your mind was wandering into dangerous territory, you shook your head and got up from your seat last, creeping along the side of the table and toward Ogundimu who held the door open for everyone.

 “Not you,” Ogundimu said and put his cybernetic arm between you and the exit.

  Shit, you mentally cursed and cast wary eyes up to him.

 “Go and sit down.” He gestured stony faced to the seat closest to him. You did so reluctantly, anxiety skyrocketing. When you had sat down you opted to watch your own hands where they fiddled with the material of your pants underneath the table. Why did he want you to be present?

 Ogundimu closed the door gently before moving towards Reaper again, who was still standing in his spot at the head of the table.

 “You weren’t informed because you are busy with your own missions, are you not?” Ogundimu’s eyes were narrowed as he addressed the other man. Reaper crossed his arms in front of his chest. From where you sat you could see that both of them were about the same height as they stood toe to toe.

 “Cut the crap, we both know this has nothing to do with that,” Reaper growled beneath his mask.

 Ogundimu smiled. “I am surprised. You’re usually not even present for briefings.”

 “That’s because I’m usually the one devising the fucking plan for those missions.” Reaper was seething. “Who planned this one, Akande?” The way he was saying the other’s name tended to sound like an insult.

 Ogundimu leaned his head back a fraction. “Maximilien and I did.”

 Reaper huffed. “Should have known you would go over my head like this sooner or later.”

 “Oh, come now, Gabe—”

 “Don’t fucking Gabe me now.” Reaper interrupted him, his arms back at his sides, hands balled into fists. You could hear the leather of his gloves straining from where you sat. “Honestly, I don’t care for your mission.”

 “Then why the scene?”

 Reaper stepped right into Ogundimu’s space, head at an angle. “Why is she here?”

 They both looked at you, and you couldn’t even meet their eyes, you cast your gaze back down to your hands with frayed nerves.

 “We need a medic, don’t we?”

 “Then take another one.”

 “Why?”

 “Because she’s—” Reaper stopped abruptly, and you raised your head tentatively to peek at him through your lashes.

 You saw a nasty smile spread across Ogundimu’s face. “Because she’s what?”

 Reaper had backed down a few steps, his body language had changed from angry to uncertain. It was weird to see him like that.

 “She’s–nothing.” He hissed and sat down in the chair at the very head of the table. “She can’t even heal enough without fainting.”

 Why did that comment hurt?

 Ogundimu turned to you, his mouth still curled into a smile as he studied you. You hugged yourself with one arm, this whole situation was unbearably uncomfortable.

 “So she’s nothing to you?” Heavy steps came to stop behind you, Ogundimu’s presence was unsettling.

 Reaper only grunted, arms crossed once more, casually sitting in that massive chair.

 Ogundimu’s flesh and bone hand landed on your shoulder like it did so many times before. But this time it felt different, he hadn’t done it for your benefit, not to placate you, not to comfort you, but as an interlude. Somehow you knew what was about to happen, you shivered in fear.

 “If that is the case,” he murmured and dropped his cybernetic arm on your other shoulder as well before bringing it forward to wrap his mechanical fingers around your throat and squeeze. “Then you wouldn’t mind if I killed her, right?”

 Your mind drew blank, as if on their own accord your eyes shot to Reaper as your mouth opened to suck in a breath.

 But he just sat there, totally unphased by what was happening.

 When Ogundimu saw no reaction from the other man, he gradually tightened his grip on your windpipe until you whimpered and tried to pry his hand off with your own.

 “You’d kill one of your few medics just to prove a point?” Reaper asked, his head tilted.

 You stared at him incredulously.

 Had all of Reaper’s talk about you belonging to him been untrue? If so you’d be screwed now, because apparently you were of no use for Ogundimu besides being a way to find out about Reaper’s loyalties and motivations.

 “Try me,” Ogundimu said heatedly.

 You groaned when the pressure became so unbearable that you thought your eyes would pop out of your skull any moment. This was even worse than the time Reaper was strangling you, he hadn’t squeezed nearly as hard as Ogundimu. Already your vision was fading, bright spots were dancing in front of your closed lids and panic was making your heart pound wildly against your chest.

 Tears were streaming down your face when the pressure suddenly let off and you could breathe again. It hurt, oh it hurt so much when you tried to breathe two mouthfuls at a time. His hand was still around your neck though, still holding you upright, the back of your head now pressed against his abdomen behind you.

 “You have a point,” the man said behind you, “it would be quite the waste.”

 Then he leaned down to your level.

 “Sorry, this isn’t personal,” Ogundimu whispered in your ear deceptively soft. Then he hauled you up from your seat, kicked aside the chair from right below you and crowded you against the table until you were bent over it, his crotch pushing into you from behind. The hand around your throat disappeared completely and instead grabbed a handful of your hair, pulled tight and forced you to look at Reaper again.

 “You wouldn’t mind if I—” Ogundimu rolled his hips into you and you gasped in shock. “—borrowed your little toy?”

 Oh fuck. Oh fuck no. No, no, no… what the hell was happening? Was Ogundimu really going to… just to piss off Reaper?

 “No!” You couldn’t help it, this was too much. You couldn’t even bear the thought.

 From eyes blurred by tears you saw Reaper slowly unraveling his arms, leaning forward in his seat, the hollow eyes of his mask boring into yours. He was breathing faster, the way his armor was rising and falling was visible to you even from across the table.

 “Go on, fuck her. I don’t care.”

 Well, shit. He wouldn’t help you after all. Ogundimu’s plan wasn’t working, Reaper wasn’t reacting at all and you didn’t want to imagine how far the man behind you was willing to go to prove that he won.

 “Right,” Ogundimu breathed and pushed your head to the hard wood of the table, his other hand wandering along your back to push your pants down. You wailed when you felt the cool air of the room against your backside, your arms flailing uselessly in the air beside you. There was nothing you could do to stop him, his grip was too strong. Your cheek hurt where it was pressed to the table, his cybernetic fingers cold and unyielding against your scalp.

 “Please don’t do this,” you gasped and Ogundimu leaned down to speak to you.

 “Maybe you can tell me if he’s telling the truth, hm?”

 Why was he so interested in knowing about all of this?

 “He–he said to me that,” you hiccuped, “that he needs my healing to feel something.”

 “Is that so?” Ogundimu sounded curious, his hand on your back massaging soothing circles into your muscles.

 Reaper scoffed. “And what if I said that?” His claws were scratching along the wood, you could hear it where your ear was pressed to the surface, loud and clear.

 “Tell me something, dear,” the man behind you said right next to your ear, “did you sleep with him?”

 Well, you wouldn’t describe being raped as sleeping with someone. But as far as technicalities went it had happened.

 You really didn’t want to admit it out loud, you trembled as you clenched your teeth together, staring straight ahead at Reaper who had the power to stop this at any moment if he so desired, but didn’t. And you wanted to scream at him, to ask him where his talk about you being his was now, why he wasn’t telling Ogundimu to back the fuck off.

 When you didn’t answer, the man behind you pressed his groin against your backside through your panties, reminding you that he was in control. “Tell me.”

 With jerky movements you nodded once, every fiber of your being repulsed at having to concede like this.

 Ogundimu chuckled. “I knew it,” he said, triumph sounding in his voice. “I knew it from that very first mission I had assigned her to you. That she was affecting you, the marks on her neck told me all about it.” He stopped the rubbing on your back. “But I’d have never guessed that it was because of her healing.” He sounded curious now, “Maybe I should sample it myself.”

 Suddenly he stepped away from you far enough to flip you over into your back, your hair half covered your face where it stuck to your wet cheek. Seeing him above you like this brought back the memories of what happened in the lab before Reaper had come to your room that night and you panicked.

 You tried to hit him with your fists where you could, but of course it didn’t help at all, your legs were trapped in your own pants between your knees, and he simply caught your wrists and pinned them above your head in his massive cybernetic first. You could hear the machinery whirring inside it.

 “Easy now,” he warned you darkly, all traces of mirth gone from his features. “I’m trying to let you up so you can dress yourself, alright?”

 You didn’t believe him, but nodded hesitantly anyway.

 Slowly, he let go of your wrists and pulled away three steps to give you space, he didn’t even look at you anymore, instead he watched Reaper whom you could only see from your peripheral as a dark shadow.

 Quickly, you got up and off the table, pulled up your pants and shakily ran a hand through your messy hair.

 Ogundimu had taken a seat in one of the chairs and beckoned you now.

 On wobbly legs you awkwardly crossed the distance and came to a halt in front of him. Reaper was behind you now, you couldn’t see him at all anymore, but Ogundimu could.

 “Come,” he said with a half smile and patted his lap. Uncertain, you looked from his legs up to his face, taking deep breaths to calm down your still racing heart. Cautiously you wanted to sit down across his legs, but he shook his head.

 With a scowl you straddled his lap instead, your hands coming to rest on your own thighs, balled to fists.

 “Good. Now, please show me how you heal someone.”

 You swallowed around a very dry throat, you could still feel his fist around it when you did.

 “It depends on where they’re hurt,” you answered meekly, unable to look him in the eyes.

 He hummed in thought. “Well, then show me where you healed our dear friend Gabriel.” Without having to check you knew that Ogundimu was looking at Reaper when he said that.

 With an internal sigh you raised your right arm, still slightly bluish in tint from that last episode  with Dr. O’Deorain and hesitantly touched his sternum through the dark red dress shirt he was wearing.

 You could feel the vibration of his chuckle. “There? That’s adorable,” he commented and you felt your cheeks burn in humiliation.

 You tried to ignore his warmth underneath your thighs and palm, instead closing your eyes and sending out a bit of healing. He didn’t react at first, but then he hummed in delight.

 “I can see how someone could enjoy this, but,” he grabbed your wrist gently with his flesh hand, “I believe it might be more... authentic without a barrier, wouldn’t you agree, dear?” He flashed one of his brilliant smiles and your stomach sunk. “Would you be so kind and help me with that?” His voice had lowered considerably as he motioned to his front, the air around you became warmer while you could swear that an icy wind was blowing against your back.

 With shaking fingers you clumsily fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, getting them open one by one, then you slightly pulled the two halves apart, revealing a powerful chest underneath that actually looked like it was straight from a bodybuilding magazine. It was almost ridiculous how ripped Ogundimu was.

 The blush on your cheeks deepened when he caught you staring, a small smirk played around his full lips.

 “Like what you see?” He murmured only for you, half lidded eyes looking down at you.

 “Maybe if it wasn’t you,” you answered in annoyance, then pressed your hand against his skin right in the same spot as before.

 Ogundimu laughed. “She’s feisty. I can see why you like her,” he said to Reaper again.

 His laughter faded quickly though when you sent out the strongest healing you were capable of, trying to get him to shut up for once.

 And he did. The only sound that he made was a grunt, his eyes closed seemingly of their own volition and his mouth went slack as he leaned his head back a fraction.

 You couldn’t help but feel proud in this moment. That your ability was that strong it rendered one of the most powerful men in the world speechless.

 Oh, but you hadn’t thought of how you had neglected your own body for a little too long now, these past few days had been nothing but malnourishment and lack of sleep. And you felt it in your bones now. Already your hand started slipping down the man’s chest, your head felt light and everything sounding more distant. Quickly, you stopped the healing output and drew your arm back to cradle it against your chest.

 You wanted to get up and off his lap too, but strong arms prevented you from getting further away. Instead, they pulled you closer and right into the man in front of you.

 “I need to lie down—” you wanted to say but plush lips on yours stopped you from finishing. Wide eyed you stared ahead, not able to focus on anything. When Ogundimu cradled your head in his hand you let out a weak whimper, eyes falling shut with fatigue.

 Between Ogundimu’s hands on you, you also felt that icy wind all around now, it made you shiver as it crept along your sides. Weakly, you opened your eyes and what you could finally focus on was a black swirling mist right behind Ogundimu, coalescing into the shape of Reaper.

 Red, burning embers shone brightly in the sockets of his mask, his fist rising. You were able to draw back right before he knocked Ogundimu over the head. The man slumped to the side and you hurriedly rushed off of his lap, wiping your mouth on the back of your hand.

 “You done?” Reaper growled, cracking his neck.

 “I…” you didn’t know what to say. This would have consequences, right? A man like Ogundimu would definitely not like being knocked out like that. “I need to get out of here,” you mumbled and rushed to the exit.

 Just as you opened the door Reaper stopped you, his claws digging into your upper arm. Wordlessly, he pulled you outside and dragged you through the hallways.

 You stumbled along, through doors and down stairs until you didn’t know where you were anymore, Reaper’s hold on you not budging. You were still feeling light headed from healing Ogundimu.

 “Wait,” you called out after a few minutes, breathing heavy, and tried to pull free. “Where are we going?”

 Reaper whirled around, his claws dug into your arm painfully. “We’re leaving.”

 “What?”

 He took a step towards you and lowered his voice. “What do you think will happen when Akande wakes up?” He crowded you against a nearby wall. Even though he was wearing his mask you were certain he was glaring at you.

 “I… I don’t know.”

 “Do you want to stick around and find out?”

 You trembled when you looked into the dark holes of his mask, did you want to stay at this Talon base and face Ogundimu’s wrath, or go with the man who had hurt and abused you many times already?

 It was like choosing between drowning or burning to death, really.

 “What about Caleb?” You whispered frantically. “I can’t leave when he’s still here, they’ll kill him… or worse.”

 Reaper’s hold on you loosened a little, then his hands fell away completely and he sighed.

 “Your little Overwatch comrade is not here.”

 What was he talking about?

 “What do you mean?”

 “He’s not here, we never had him.”

 Something inside you broke at that admission. They never had him? That was not possible.

 ”Liar!” You slid sideways along the wall, away from him. “You’re just saying that so I’ll come with you.”

 With a snarl Reaper grabbed at his mask, pulled it off and simply threw it on the ground. You flinched when it clanked against the tile of the hallway loudly.

 Seeing him maskless again was like a slap to the face, and you felt your knees buckle when the memories hit you from that night.

 “Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m lying,” he growled, his irises burning embers, face contorted in frustration.

 You didn’t know what to believe anymore, if what he said was true that would mean that everything you had done had been… totally unnecessary.

 You wouldn’t have had to work for Dr. O’Deorain.

 You wouldn’t have had to work for Ogundimu.

 And you wouldn’t have had to… submit to Reaper.

 Yes, he had used Caleb to get what he wanted as well. How were you supposed to know when he was lying or not?

 “Do you honestly think I would ever trust you, especially now that I know you’ve been lying to me?”

 Reaper frowned, eyes narrowing when he approached you again.

 “I’ll show you then,” he said and wanted to grab your wrist, but stopped mid-air, instead he turned and went down the nearby staircase.

 He just left you standing there, as if he knew you’d follow eventually.

 And you did, because… what else were you supposed to do? He was right, as soon as Ogundimu woke up there would be hell to pay. And you’d be his number one target to get to Reaper. He had just seen that the masked mercenary wasn’t someone who shared his toys.

 With a deep breath you collected yourself and quickly followed him down the stairs.

 His long coat was swishing behind him whenever he rounded a corner, his shoulders drawn and tense. Finally, you both reached the very bottom of the staircase, the heavy security door leading outside opened noiselessly for you and after another long corridor, and passing multiple guards, you reached a very nondescript looking pair of double doors.

 Reaper just went ahead as if he owned the place, which was probably at least partially true, whenever you studied the guards’ faces for any sign of trouble, they quickly averted their eyes; one of them even saluted. Reaper was a feared man. No wonder. Plus, they had definitely never seen his face before, even though it was partially hidden in the darkness of his hood.

 The last guard hurried to enter his access code into a brightly glowing terminal to grant you access to the holding cells.

 “Are you here often?” You asked Reaper when the heavy door behind you closed again. The way he had just waltzed in here spoke of some kind of routine. You wondered about the implications… Was he an interrogator or something equally sinister?

 “No,” he answered shortly while he moved to the side, gesturing to the three cells in front of you. “He’s not in here.”

 The small rooms all looked the same, each had a narrow bench, a sink, toilet and a cot crammed against the undecorated, bland walls. They looked just like the one from that security camera footage Ogundimu had shown you that first day you had been brought here.

 You took a cautious step forward, peering into the first cell with apprehension. Who would be in there and what state would they be in?

 But as you searched for a person you found... nothing. There was nobody in any of the cells. Startled, you whirled around.

 “There is no one here,” you stated the obvious.

 “Right. Now, let’s go.”

 “No. This can’t be all of the cells? Surely, Talon has more than three.”

 Reaper sighed. “Obviously not,” he ground out, frustration evident in his voice.

 “But–where is Caleb then?” This was impossible, you had seen the video. Had they been able to alter the footage? You had heard that these things were possible, but never thought you’d fall for them.

 Could it be he was… dead?

 “No clue. But he was never here”

 You just stood there, gaping at Reaper, who had his arms crossed in front of him again. Anger gnawed at you, how could they fool you like that, weren’t you smarter than that?

 So, what now?

 Your hesitation was interrupted by Reaper now finally grabbing your wrist and pulling you towards the exit.

 “We have to leave.” He sounded really urgent now, almost anxious. It was weird to see him like that, the usually so composed and unbothered man now reduced to this. Had you not been a part of it you would have laughed at his distress. But, well. You were a part of it, a crucial one at that, and you were in deep shit. Even more than usual.

 “Fine,” you yielded, tagging along once more.

 You left the holding cells under the curious eyes of the guards, when one of them made a weird face at seeing Reaper clutching your arm, you pulled it free of his grasp.

 “You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” you said when you were out of earshot.

 “Somewhere safe.”

 “Uh-huh. And that is where?”

 Visibly shaking in frustration, Reaper turned around to you. “Can you just shut up for one sec—” A loud alarm was sounding through speakers in the ceiling, interrupting him.

 You two were staring at each other, the realization that you were now wanted raising goosebumps on your arms. Heart in your throat, you didn’t hesitate when Reaper grabbed your arm once more and you both hurried along the halls and staircases until you finally reached a door that seemed to be an emergency exit.

 When Reaper ripped it open, a guard stood on the other side, who had just been talking into his earpiece and upon realizing who you were, fumbled for his gun.

 The next things were happening in such quick succession, you were not sure how you even managed to keep track.

 Reaper pushed you to the side, brought his arms in front of himself as if to cross them and reached into the folds of his coat. The dark mist was rising off of him so densely, you couldn’t see his face for a second. When he pulled out his hands from the blackness he was holding his shotguns in them. The guard was still trying to get a grip on his own gun when Reaper shot him point blank in the chest.

 You managed not to cry out in shock, even though he had been so close that it had felt like he’d shot you instead of the poor bastard who had been unfortunate enough to cross paths with Reaper.

 “Always said Max hires the most incompetent idiots,” he muttered to himself, then looked over his shoulder at you. “Come on.”

 Without looking at the man torn to pieces on the floor, you followed Reaper into an underground garage that seemed to be deserted.

 You passed many fancy looking hover cars until Reaper stopped before a bulky one that was definitely armored. He pushed you towards the car door.

 “Get in,” he urged and you quickly went for the handle. The door opened with a swish, but just as you wanted to climb in, Reaper held you back. “Sorry, mariquita,” he rasped against your ear, “but for this part I need you to sleep a little.”

 You felt a prick on your neck and a cool substance entering your bloodstream, the last thing you could remember was how the world tilted when you fell forward onto the car seat and everything went black.

***

 You came to in a small room, it was semi dark and quiet. A pounding headache was making itself known when you blinked a few times.

 What had happened? The last thing you remembered was how Reaper had pushed you into the armored car.

 Oh shit, you were somewhere off base. He kidnapped you.

 With a jolt you sat upright on the duvet of the bed. When you looked around you realized that you were in some kind of log cabin, wooden walls and furnishings gave it away. It was very rustic, outdated even. A stale smell of dust and earthly moisture was in the air, not very pleasant.

 You winced when the pain in your head pounded angrily at you for sitting up so quickly.

 Carefully, you shifted to the edge of the bed and put your feet on the ground, the room spun a little, but you managed to get it under control with a few deep breaths.

 Where the hell had Reaper brought you, and where was he anyway? All you knew was that he was going to pay for drugging you like that.

 Not far away was the door, it looked so inviting, you just had to check. Slowly, you got up and tip-toed over, your heart beating a little faster. Unconsciously holding your breath you tried the handle and–the door was locked. Even though you had expected it, it was still so disappointing.

 Next to the door was a window with the curtains drawn, a sliver of light fell through the gaps. When you pulled them aside you saw trees and bushes, the setting sun filtering through the leaves, nothing else. Shit, so you really were in the woods?!

 You couldn’t even open the window to climb outside, there were iron bars out in front, probably to prevent looters or bears from entering. Who knew, you hadn’t ever been in one of those log cabins before.

 With a sigh you opened the widow to let in some fresh air, it smelled really nice at least and you stood there a little longer, trying to see something beyond the many pines. It was so quiet here, the only sounds you could discern were that of a woodpecker and the wind in the trees.

 What would happen once Reaper came back? What if he didn’t come at all... and you were left here…

 A violent shiver ran through you. Somehow both options sounded terrible.

 You moved away from the window and into the small kitchenette across the room that consisted of a fridge, a sink and a small camping burner on a narrow counter. The fridge contained nothing but air, it wasn’t even running. The cabinets above revealed the same, layers of dust and mouse droppings. You slammed them shut in disgust.

 Besides the small kitchen and the bed you’d woken up in, there was only a rackety looking table with a single chair crammed into the corner and a small fireplace.

 The entire place had seen better days, the floor was covered in dust and dirt and cobwebs hung from the low ceiling.

 There was a small broom leaning against the wall of the fireplace, among other utensils for tending to the fire.

 There was nothing else you could do, so you picked up the broom with the bent bristles and started sweeping the wooden floor. Ash and dust swirled up, the few sunbeams peeking through the small single window made it look like they were dancing. Occasionally you had to sneeze, but you kept going and gathered the dirt in a pile.

 Just as you checked around the room to see if you missed a spot, you heard the crunching of leaves and gravel caused by heavy footsteps through the open window. Reaper had returned after all.

 Carefully, you put the broom back. The lock clicked and then Reaper swung the door inwards. The resulting wind blew your small dirt pile over your feet.

 He was wearing something else now, not his usual leather cloak or armor, it was a black hoodie with the hood drawn over his head and dark blue combat pants. The sight startled you, you’d never seen him look so... casual before. He almost looked normal if it hadn’t been for the red glowing eyes and ashen skin.

 With crossed arms you faced him. “What is this place?” You didn’t beat around the bush, even though you were terrified of what the future held for you.  

 Reaper still stood in the doorway, carrying something in his arms. With a casual kick he closed the door behind him, then moved to the kitchen. You noted how he didn’t lock the door again. His heavy boots thudded dully on the floorboards. He dropped a brown paper bag onto the counter and started removing items from it, mostly cans and bottles.

 “This used to be my getaway when I was still–” he broke off, faltered when he put down another can, “–before I joined Talon.” He picked up a water bottle and held it out to you.

 You eyed him in suspicion, but you were thirsty, now that you thought about it you were parched. Quickly, you went to him and grabbed the proffered bottle, took a few steps back and downed half of it in one go.

 “What did you give me anyway?” You felt a little nauseous as you idly rubbed the spot of the injection at your neck.

 “It was just a small dosage of tranquilizer, its side-effects should wear off soon,” he said offhandedly, putting the cans into the cabinets while he spoke.

 You waited until he was finished and turned around to you again.

 “Let me go.”

 Silence stretched between you, he was leaning against the kitchen counter while you had taken on quite an aggressive stance. He didn’t react much besides tilting his head back a fraction to look down his nose at you, his mouth in a permanent frown.

 “Alright.”

 You stood stock-still, not daring to breathe. Had you heard right?

 “W–What?”

 “You can go,” he elaborated, crossing his arms in front of himself.

 “You’re shitting me.”

 “I’m not. You can go if you can find your way out of the forest.”

 Fuck him.

 “Fuck you. Take me away from here and somewhere safe.” You’ve had enough. This would be your last stand.

 “We are safe right here.”

 “You know what I mean. I want to go home.” Your voice broke on the last word, emotion was causing your vocal chords to waver. Damn him for giving you hope like that.

 “Home?” He sounded skeptical. His clothes rustled when he moved away from the counter and towards you. His footsteps pounded in the rhythm of the pain in your head. You didn’t look up as he approached you, you just waited for his feet to appear in front of you.

 “If that is what you want.”

 You did look up at him now.

 “Since when does it matter what I want?” You couldn’t help but feel bitter.

 His red eyes searched yours, the expression on his face may have been his usual frown, but there was something else underneath it; a sadness you were only now able to detect. Was he trying to make you feel bad, guilty? Well, it was not working.

 “What are you implying?” His voice had become a little quieter.

 You scoffed at him, incredulous.

 “Ever since I had the misfortune of meeting you I have been subjected to the worst shit I’ve ever had to endure. And not just from you, no...but you really took the cake.”

 You watched his eyes narrow the longer you went on.

 “And all this time I tried to just make it through, with the little bit of hope left that maybe, maybe Overwatch will help. Maybe they come and find me, Lena, Winston, anyone. To make this nightmare end.” You had to stop a second to take a breath, Reaper was still quietly standing in front of you, arms crossed once more. “But obviously you people at Talon are great at hiding in plain sight, I bet you even made it look like nobody survived that explosion, just like you swindled me into thinking that Caleb was still alive and in your custody.”

 “Overwatch is not coming.”

 “I know that, okay?!” You screamed at him now, tears of rage had gathered in your eyes.

 “Remember what I told you about them. They don’t care for you, they are still the same people from before. The same big children playing war with the help of their private soldiers.”

 “That’s not true!” You couldn’t stand to hear this again, you knew that Overwatch was so much more than that, had seen first hand all the good you’d done all over the globe. “You’re just still salty about what happened to you.”

 “Careful,” he warned you, voice gravelly.

 But you’d had it, there was no going back now. The two of you were having this conversation and you would tell him everything that’s been on your mind and had been too afraid to say.

 “No, I’m done. I’m... so tired of it all. Of constantly being afraid, of always having to tip-toe around your big egos.” You waved your hands in the air to emphasize your point. “Men like you can’t take any form of criticism without throwing a fit.”

 Reaper took a step towards you and you moved one back.

 “Men like me?”

 “Yes, you’re all the same. Ogundimu and you, none of you can take no for an answer.”

 His eyes had started burning brighter than before, a shadow had fallen over his face. “Don’t compare me to Akande,” he growled, stepping even further into your personal space and you yielded.

 “I’ll compare you to whatever the hell I want,” you didn’t budge on your stance even though he was crowding you against a wall.

 Were you scared? Yes, shitless. But were you going to shut up? Not in the foreseeable future it seemed.

 What did you have to lose now? There was no Caleb dangling above your head, Reaper had nothing. And your own well being you stopped caring for after having your free will stripped away. But you were taking it back now, whatever the cost.

 Reaper was standing mere centimeters away, your chests were almost touching as he was looking down at you, his black mist slowly rising from the depths of his hood.

 His hand came up and towards your face, you flinched because you thought he was finally going to hit you for your insolence. But he didn’t even touch you, he drew the hand back as if he’d burned himself.

 “Are you done insulting me yet?”

 You blinked at him.

 “Did you get it all off your chest?”

 Taking a breath you wanted to keep going, but he interrupted you.

 “You should eat something,” he finally finished, then pulled away to give you space again.

 “I don’t want to eat, I want to leave.”

 “You will eat first. Want to collapse in the middle of the forest?”

 Grumbling under your breath you pushed off the wall and towards the kitchen. Since when was he that considerate, was he actually going to help you get away?

 You leaned against the counter while he opened a can of ravioli and put it on the burner.

 Neither of you spoke as he was stirring the can with a spoon, even though there was still so much more you wanted to say.

 After a few minutes he turned the burner off and wordlessly set the can with the steaming ravioli on the counter next to you, spoon still inside.

 “Don’t...you want any?” You asked hesitantly, not sure how you felt about being served food by Reaper of all people.

 “I don’t eat,” he stated matter-of-factly.

 “You don’t–what? How do you even live?”

 He tilted his head to the side, raising one brow. “I don’t.”

 You rolled your eyes at his ridiculous statement and decided against opening that can of worms.

 “... doesn’t live…” you shoveled the mushy ravioli into your mouth and mumbled to yourself between spoonfuls. At this point you were convinced that he was saying things to mess with your head.

 The food was awful, but at the same time heavenly on your empty stomach. There was only a little food left in the can when you addressed him again.

 “So when I’m finished, you’ll take me out of here?” You would not forget what he said earlier.

 “Under one condition,” he said gravely, the doughy pasta almost got stuck in your throat when you tried to swallow it.

 “...which is?” Oh, how you hated the suspense. Already the ravioli sat like a rock in your stomach.

 He made sure you were paying attention before continuing.

 “You spend one last night with me.”

 The spoon clattered loudly on the table, scattering tomato sauce everywhere.

 “No,” you answered automatically, moving away from the counter and creating more space between you two.

 There was no way you were going to do this again, especially under the pretense of consent.

 Reaper didn’t seem surprised by your outburst, he must have assumed you’d react in such a fashion. His eyes were flat when he slowly began moving.

 “Why not, have I not been good to you?” He was talking so calmly, reassuringly, while moving towards you.

 Was he fucking serious?

 You tried to keep the distance intact, but there was the wall behind you again, damn but this hut was too small.

 “Good to me?” You wanted to sound outraged, but it came out more like a squeak.

 He carried on. “Did I leave you wanting?” You didn’t like how his voice dropped into that purr, the way he carried himself when he approached you.

 “Don’t you dare say that.” He had      hurt     you. He acted like what had happened had been some sort of romantic encounter?!

 Your pulse sped up when you felt the immovable wood against your back while Reaper was still advancing. Cornered once more, the story of your life.

 “S–Stop!”

 But he kept coming until he could reach out to gently brush a stray lock of hair out of your face and behind your ear.

 “You’re hurting my feelings, mariquita. Did you not enjoy yourself?” He murmured while his fingers brushed along your jaw and down your neck. You hated how his touch was not just revolting to you anymore, but it stirred something else deep inside. Somehow your brain was the only one remembering how traumatizing your last night together had been, your body seemed to only focus on how he had managed to make you come undone.

 The sheer indignation you felt at his words that caused too many insults and accusations to want to come out all at once rendered you speechless.

 When you didn’t answer he leaned further in, his breath tickled your ear when he spoke next. “Have I not been a generous lover?”

 Oh god, you could feel the heat spread from your belly further outward, into your chest and also lower. A blush was forming on your cheeks while listening to his sensual deep voice telling you these intimate things.

 “Shut up,” you whispered, trying in vain to get your reaction under control. His hands fell to your sides, holding your hips in place while he pressed a knee between your legs, pushing it against you as he had done before.

 The sensation made you gasp.

 “You know I can please you, hermosa,” he said heatedly against your neck.

 Ugh. Yeah he was right, he was so well endowed and knew how to use what he’d been given, it had been nothing short of amazing, but at the same time you still hated this man’s guts for forcing it upon you. And for trying to do it again.

 But what were you supposed to do? If you didn’t accept, well, would he still do it? Probably. It was as you’d said; he couldn’t take no for an answer. So there was only one thing you could do.

 You swallowed the lump in your throat, drew back until you could see his face again.

 “Promise... promise you’ll let me go.” You didn’t even recognize your own voice in that moment, it sounded so small and broken.

 “I promise,” he hissed breathlessly against your face.

 Your eyes searched his endlessly red ones, for what you didn’t even know... the truth, for lies? Whatever it was, you didn’t find it. But there was nothing you could do besides accepting. As foolish as it sounded, you had to try everything to get back home.

 After what felt like an eternity of simply staring at him you finally surrendered, closed your eyes and nodded.

 With your breath held you anticipated his next move now that you had given him permission, but nothing happened. Tentatively, you cracked an eye open and tried to see what he was waiting for.

 When he saw that you were looking at him, he took a small step backwards, lifted his arms and pulled off his hoodie. Underneath he wore a simple grey t-shirt that accentuated his physique just right. Quickly, you averted your eyes again, feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden. The blush on your cheeks came back full force when he went for his shirt as well.

 You didn’t know what to do, yes you had agreed to it but actually doing it was something completely different.

 But as you were contemplating, Reaper moved forward again, his fingers tilting your head up by the chin so you had to look him in the face.

 “Kiss me,” he murmured in his deep, smoky voice while focusing on your mouth. As if on its own, your tongue darted out to wet your lips in a nervous habit. His pupils dilated as he watched you, and your pulse spiked in reaction.

 Uncertain, you moved your head forward a fraction, trying to close the distance between you. As you got closer, your eyes started to flutter shut, after that you followed the smell of him and the warmth he was exuding.

 His hand had fallen away from your chin about half-way, but now that you pressed your lips to his, it came back up to cradle your cheek instead. His other hand brushed along your arm, down to your wrist and pulled it up to his chest to lay your palm against his pectoral.

 As soon as he did that, you knew what he wanted. And you gave it to him.

 You sent out healing strong enough to mend a big flesh wound, and just as you had anticipated he gasped against your mouth. He had not expected you to go all in at once. Maybe if you overpowered him with your healing he would forget about everything else...

Or this could go horribly wrong and the exact opposite might happen.

 Before you could muse on it any more, Reaper licked over your lips, pushing them open gently, sensually. He was really good at this, at making you forget that you should be afraid–although he was even better at reminding you that you      should     be. You shuddered at the memory of him above you in the semi dark of your room and how his demonic eyes had burned brightly when he had pushed into you.

 You closed your eyes so you could pretend this was somebody else, someone who cared about you, genuinely loved you. And not because they liked to use your abilities whenever they felt like it.

 His wicked tongue didn’t even feel that foreign anymore as it explored your mouth in its unhurriedness. It even managed to coax your own to move against him until you were actually kissing him back in much the same way.

 The kiss you were sharing was so intense it made your head spin and weak in the knees, but fortunately Reaper was already stepping right into you before you collapsed, his hands on your waist and thigh, and wrapped one of your legs around his hips. He pushed you up and finally your other leg around him, holding you against the wall and above the ground with his body. All the while he was kissing you senseless so you hadn’t even really noticed what he had done until you felt him pressed against you so closely.

 A small whimper escaped you when he squeezed your thighs, then he drew back from the kiss, eyes half-lidded and heavy.

 Reaper studied you for just a second, then snaked his arm around your back and moved  away from the wall with you wrapped around him. Hastily, you broke off the healing stream and brought your arms behind his neck in order to not fall backwards.

 It felt like you were betraying yourself, as if all the resistance you’d put up in the past had been a game that you two had played. That you had secretly wanted this all along and had simply played hard to get.

 You forcefully reminded yourself that this would be the last time, the very last time this happened, whether he was telling the truth or not.

 The trip over to the bed was a very brief one, already he was lowering you onto the soft surface, his knees between your legs and propped up on his arms above you.

 His fingers were touching your cheek, following the contour of your bottom lip, then immediately he leaned back in to kiss you again, while his hands explored your body. This time it was him who divested you of your shirt and bra, his big hands on your bare skin were leaving you shivering.

 Soon he had pulled off his pants, you got a glimpse of his erection from the corner of your eyes when he had surged back in to slot your mouths together once more. He pushed it against your thigh, letting you get a feel.

 “This is what you do to me,” he groaned, fingers playing with the waistband of your pants.

 Suddenly he paused.

 Wary of his unexpected hesitation, you searched his eyes. They were so dark and their pupils dilated when he whispered to you, “May I?”

 Your throat closed at his question. Really, was he going to pretend that this was anything more than you agreeing to something in order to get home? He really wanted you to fake your consent even more, humiliate you. Like you hadn’t already agreed to this.

 “A little late to act like a gentleman now, isn’t it?” You couldn’t keep the bite out of your voice.

 Reaper simply chuckled at that, took it as affirmation apparently, and pulled the fabric down and off of your legs.

 Your heart beat frantically when he parted your legs for him to get in between, propped up on his elbows and dangerously close to your core. He held your gaze with his as he brushed along the inside of one of your thighs, raising goosebumps in the wake of his fingers. When he touched your folds you closed your eyes and released the breath you’d been holding.

 “Look at me, marquita,” he commanded in his low voice. You forced yourself to open your eyes again and watched as he was slowly lowering his head to kiss you between your legs. You exhaled shakily at the feeling of his warm breath and lips against you. Already he started to use his tongue, its wet and slippery surface felt foreign against your nether lips.

 Reaper hummed in delight when he licked over your clit experimentally and you couldn’t keep the small moan from escaping. He was still making eye contact with you when he ventured further downward and traced around your entrance with the tip of his tongue.

 It was hard to keep your eyes on him like this when all you wanted to do was to hide. The blush on your cheeks was burning hotter than ever, one of your arms flew up to cover your mouth with the back of your hand when he licked inside of you. He moaned obscenely at tasting you like this and even his own eyes were fluttering shut.

 He swirled his tongue back upwards and around to stimulate every part he could possibly reach, it felt so incredibly good, you sighed and moaned with every flick of his tongue.

 His ministrations were so careful, so gentle, you were starting to relax. As your muscles unclenched and stopped quivering, your legs fell open the rest of the way. Reaper took this as an invitation to finally start tenderly sucking your clit, elevating your pleasure to the next level.

 “Oh god–,” you gasped when he’d done it, but quickly bit down on your hand instead to stifle your outburst.

 “Hmm, let me hear you,” he purred in between suckling and nipping at your sensitive nub.

 You still tried to keep it down, which proved to be increasingly difficult with the way he was working you now. His mouth was moving faster, a little harder against you, sharp teeth dangerously grazing against your skin while his hands had started to stroke your thighs, up and down.

 He was playing you like an instrument, every single touch served the greater purpose of bearing you to him further, opening you up completely. You quickly got lost in the sensations, everything he did felt incredibly good. So good, you didn’t want it to stop.

 Now that was a scary thought.

 His mouth briefly left you before he surged back in and you felt another touch, slowly stroking around your entrance. Reaper pushed a single finger inside you and it just slipped in without any resistance, you were so wet from his expert oral stimulation.

 Oh shit, this was really doing it for you. This was exactly as you liked it, how could he know this, you had only spent one night together.

 His finger pumped in and out of you slowly, in just the right angle that had you mewling into the back of your hand.

 “I wanna hear you,” Reaper reminded you after stopping for just the small second it took to utter these words, and then kept at it again, but you were too occupied with trying to comprehend what was happening to you.

 Just a little longer and you would come.

 Just a little–

 With one last long lick he pulled away completely, the cry of disappointment you made got stuck in your throat as you tried to suppress it unsuccessfully.

 It frightened you how close you’d come to begging in that instance…

 Reaper’s look of mild amusement he’d had before had disappeared, and it filled you with dread once more.

 “I said,” he rasped as he took a hold of your arms, pulling you up to his level so you sat in his lap, “I want to hear you.”

 His dick was brushing against your inner thigh, almost touching your sex. You couldn’t help yourself, nervously you glanced down and were reminded again of just how big he was, how much it had hurt the first time he’d entered you.

 You swallowed drily.

 “I–I’m...,” sorry you wanted to whisper, not sure why you were trying to apologize, but feeling that it was what he wanted at that moment. But you steered clear of it, you had nothing to be sorry for. “...okay.” You chose to say instead.

 He studied you for a little while, his hard grip on your arms loosening, and idly stroking them instead. That spark of mischief entered his eyes once more, a small smirk played around his lips.

 Slowly he dipped his head to brush his mouth over yours, his beard was tickling you.

 “Did you like that?” He breathed against you, taking your bottom lip between his teeth and nipping it playfully.

 Why was he talking so damn much?

 There was no point in lying, but even as you nodded you wondered how your previous reactions could have been interpreted as anything but enjoyment. Again, he wanted you to confirm things you’d rather not. What an ass.

 “You want to know what I like?” He gave you a brief kiss before leaning back and pulling you atop of himself. You held yourself up with your hands on both sides of his head. His erection was now firmly pressed against your ass. He was still smirking when he continued. “A pretty girl riding my dick.”

 Your inner walls clenched at his crude words, combined with the feeling of his hard member poking your bottom, it made your entire body blush.

 He really wanted you to take an active role in this, huh?

 His hands were going over your back and further down to grab your ass to guide it against his cock, rubbing it between your soaked folds. Your arms buckled where you were still trying to hold yourself above him, your breath coming in short gasps.

 He groaned at the feeling of his cock slicking up with your juices.

 You were starting to hyperventilate.

 “W–wait, I’m…” You couldn’t take him yet! You were not prepared, you didn’t want it to hurt like last time. “I need…please…”

 You were… crying, why were you crying? He wasn’t even doing anything yet.

 It was just like the first time he did this to you, even though you weren’t held down or at gunpoint, he managed to hold you captive, to force you to do anything he desired.

 “Shh,” he was comforting you, calloused thumb wiping away your tears. “Calm down.”

 You sobbed.

 And then there were lips on yours, kissing away the tears that had run into your mouth, stealing away their saltiness and replacing it with Reaper’s own taste, a far more pleasant one if you were being honest.

 The kiss turned from soothing to passionate in just a few seconds. His hands were roaming over your back in gentle circles, pressing your bodies together and into the most intimate embrace you’d shared yet.

 You just wanted to forget about where you were and especially who you were with in that moment, you closed your burning eyes and kissed him until you were short of breath.

 With eyes almost as red as his, you were looking at him, his fingers still stroking you softly.

 There was no time to dwell on the feelings this embrace had just evoked, how Reaper had been able to comfort you with a single kiss. You knew you’d go crazy if you thought about it any longer. It was time to get this over and done with. Fuck it, this might as well hurt.

 You sniffed once, pushed yourself up on shaking arms and wiped away the remaining moisture from your lashes. With determination you got up on your knees and shimmied back a little to line yourself up with his straining erection. One of your hands took a hold of it to guide it into yourself.

 Oh, you really should have prepared…fuck, he was stretching you impossibly wide. You had to stop for a moment to catch your breath. With both hands on Reaper’s chest, you closed your eyes in concentration, willing your body to relax. But it was just so much to take in. You lifted up a fraction and sank down another centimeter, trying to keep your breathing under control.

 Gritting your teeth against the pain and stretch you pushed yourself and took him the rest of the way.

 Trembling like a leaf, hands balled into fists against his skin, you tried to accommodate to his girth. Your head hung low, hair falling around your face like a curtain.

 You could feel your heartbeat both in your chest and where he was nestled between your legs.

 Reaper’s hand gently cradled your face in his palm, tilting your head up to look at him. Once more his thumb brushed over your parted lips, dipping inside to press onto your tongue and you could only stare at the sea of his red eyes burning with the intensity of hellfire. Drool was running down your chin and Reaper’s fingers, but you didn’t really notice it, too occupied with the feeling of being filled so completely.

 Reaper’s lips were parted as well when he watched his finger disappear into the cavern of your mouth. His other hand had landed on your butt, squeezing it once before pushing you down onto him while elevating his hips at the same time.

 Your eyes rolled into the back of your skull when he moved inside you, a sob racked your body and then, as if on autopilot your lips closed around the digit in your mouth, sucking on it softly.

 Reaper groaned loudly. “That’s it, hermosa.” His jaw clenched when you moved tentatively, just rotated your hips to get more comfortable. “Hnng, yes.”

 It was fascinating–in a morbid kind of way–to watch his reactions; how he sighed when you lifted up and sunk back down, the way he closed his eyes in bliss when you ground against him with short thrusts or how his grip on you faltered when you scratched over his chest with your nails as you started to feel the effects of having him inside of you.

 Slowly, the friction of his dick against your inner walls was starting to feel good. Relief was making you bold, you threw your head back and released a moan when you managed to find the right angle.

 Immediately, his hands travelled to your breasts, kneading them and playing with your nipples. It only heightened your pleasure, spurring you on and increasing the speed with which you were moving.

 All the emotions you’d felt in the last couple of days were warring within you. Hurt, despair, pleasure, hope... all of them were mixed together into a potent cocktail burning in your chest and threatening to spill out at any moment.

 You felt your orgasm approach with a vengeance, it promised to pull you under with its intensity.

 And intense it was. You screamed when you came, clutching at Reaper wherever you could, holding on for dear life.

 Still breathing heavily, you opened your eyes and found you were lying on his chest, his normally slow heartbeat much quicker against your ear. You wanted to push away, but couldn’t move more than your eyes.

 Reaper kissed the top of your head, then the world was spinning as your cheek was now pressed against a pillow and you lay face down on the bed.

 He positioned you so you were on your knees, ass in the air and head low. A short moment of panic made you whimper in distress, but Reaper put his big hand onto the small of your back, effectively keeping you in place.

 He was pushing into you from behind, and even though you had become somewhat accustomed to his girth, you still gasped when he had bottomed out.

 One of his hands was gripping your hip, the other was sliding into your hair and pushing your head into the pillow, then he draped himself over you to speak into your ear.

 “I’ll make sure Akande will never touch you again.” He was referring to the incident in the briefing room. The memory of being held in this exact position by Ogundimu made you shiver. “You have no idea–” he started pounding into you, hard and fast, and you whined with the force of it against your sensitive nerves. “–how much I wanted to kill him when he did.”

You and me both, you wanted to say but couldn’t answer because he was fucking you in earnest now, took away your ability to form coherent sentences.

 With gritted teeth you fisted the sheets, bracing against his thrusts. Between your nerves shooting rapid fire signals to your brain and your conscious slightly worrying about Reaper’s promise contradicting what he just said, you felt a second orgasm coming. It sent you over the edge once more and into blissful oblivion for a few seconds, a dry sob the only sound you made.

 Reaper had hauled you even closer as he was brutally pistoning in and out of you until, finally, he stilled, buried deep inside of you, spilling his release.

 For a few seconds nothing happened.

 Then, Reaper pulled out of you and you collapsed onto the bed.

 Was it… over?

 You didn’t know what time it was, but judging from the darkness that had slowly crept over the room you guessed it was nighttime.

 You felt him against your side, the warmth radiating off of him was stifling. With one arm he turned you around and towards him. You stared with drooping eyes at his scarred chest instead of his face.

 He pressed you against him, tucking your head underneath his chin, and somehow it was this act of intimacy that was crossing a line for you. With your arms in front you pushed away from his chest.

 “Alright…” you had to clear your throat. “I did what you wanted.” A small sniff gave away your uncertainty, the fear that now you’d done his bidding it was time for him to tell you it had all been a bluff.

 “Night’s not over, mariquita.”  

 You glared at him. He really had the nerve to smirk.

 “You’re still gonna–” you had to stop when his fingertips brushed over your ribs and over a nipple, tickling you and raising gooseflesh in its wake. “–gonna get me out of here.”

 When he didn’t respond, you grabbed his wrist to stop his wandering hand, forcing him to acknowledge you.

 His eyes flashed when you’d touched him, the smirk on his face morphing into a sly grin that showed off his sharp teeth.

 “What if I don’t?”

  What?  

 “Oh, no! No, you will!” You exclaimed. “You promised!”

 “Show me how much you want it, then,” he purred, “I’m all yours, hermosa.”  

 You sunk back a fraction, taken aback by his words. What did he want you to do? You’d already taken an active role in this, and now he was asking for even more. He was insatiable.

 “But I…”

 “What do you want to do to me?” He murmured and leaned back, one hand going behind his head, confident that you’d play along.

 Oh, there were several things you wanted to do to him, but none of them were going in the direction he was hoping.

 “I want…” you trailed off, eyes squinting at where you were still holding his wrist somehow. As you were thinking of all the things that had happened to you, all the abuse you’d suffered, there really was only one thing coming to mind.

 “I want to hurt you.”

 There, you said it. What was he going to say to that? With a challenge in your eyes you sized him up.

 You could see his pupils dilate, then he pulled his arm towards himself and you with it until you sat straddled on his abdomen, because you were not letting go. Why weren’t you letting go?

 “Then hurt me,” he whispered heatedly, offering his throat in surrender.

 Shit, this was… not what you’d anticipated to happen. What could you even do to hurt him? He was a wraith, whatever the fuck that meant.

 “I’m a healer,” you said more to yourself than him, trying to come up with anything to get out of this situation that was growing uncomfortable very fast.

 “Yes, and look what I did to you,” he goaded, letting the arm that was still in your grip fall limp. “I tricked you,” he went on, that fire in his eyes burning just a little brighter. “I lied and deceived you. Took advantage of you.”

 So he really wanted you to lash out? Somehow you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of giving into his obvious taunt, but your grip on his wrist was tightening in fury. He was right, he had done all those things. And they were all things you hated him for, really wanted to retaliate.

 “You took everything from me,” you whispered, your throat closing up in anger and sadness. Something in his expression changed at that, but you couldn’t discern what it was.

 “I have,” he answered quietly, “Because you’re mine.”

 You backhanded him, and watched his head snap to the side with it, the small smile temporarily knocked off his face.

 “I’m not fucking yours,” you spat at him.

 “Yeah you are, mariquita.”  

 “Stop calling me that!”

 “Never.”

 You punched him in the jaw, the impact rattled your bones painfully, but the satisfaction at seeing the surprise in his eyes had been worth it.

 Blood was spreading on his lips where they split, and he grinned at you, the red liquid had already coated those pearly whites as well.

 “Was that all?” he asked, licking at the blood on his mouth.

 You saw red, and with a cry you wrapped both your hands around his throat. The muscles and tendons were moving under your palms, you squeezed as hard as you could.

 His smirk was not diminishing, but his eyes were closing, the endless sea of red pulsing with his heartbeat that you felt where you had your hands wrapped tightly around his neck.

 Your grip was not loosening, his smirk had disappeared as his mouth was open and drawing shallow breaths while you watched his features, now pressing down on his windpipe with your whole upper body.

 He groaned, closed his eyes and breathed “Go on, kill me. Put me out of my misery.”

 Was this what you were doing? He cannot be killed, you remembered, but wished that it weren’t true. If only you could, physically and mentally… you weren’t sure. You’d actually never killed anyone before, and had hoped you’d never have to. But could you make an exception to that now? It’s what he deserved, after all. For taking away the family and friends you’d found in Overwatch, your freedom, your dignity.  

 “Then die,” you sobbed, tears were running down your face and dropping onto your fingers that were white-knuckled. It was what he deserved.

 What he…

 ...deserved.

 You leaned back, relieving the pressure on his neck.

  Looks like I can’t do it, you though and hung your head.  

 That was when you felt his hands on your thighs, idly stroking along the outside, his grip becoming stronger by the second now that you weren’t strangling him anymore. Your own hands were just resting against his skin now, your whole body trembled.

 Reaper brushed his hands up your sides, over your arms and into your hair, pulled you down and kissed you hungrily, the metallic taste of his blood shocking to your senses.

 He easily reversed your positions and sunk inside you while still devouring your mouth with his own.

 The night was far from over, he fucked you so many times you lost count, but he made sure you came every single time. You passed out sometime in the morning hours before the sun came up with his head between your thighs once more, your exhaustion finally catching up.

***

 The sun was shining when you two stopped at the edge of the forest. It was a beautiful day and you felt giddy at the prospect of being free.

 The entire way from the cottage through the forest Reaper hadn’t spoken to you, hadn’t uttered a single word and you’d been grateful for that because you weren’t sure you’d have been able to answer. The only thing on your mind had been freedom.

 Walking had proven to be quite difficult after last night’s activities and you got the distinct feeling that it had been his intention of making sure you’d feel him for a week at least.

 But as you stood there now, the trees behind you and a road in front, something held you back. Maybe it was still the thought of being trapped, of them having Caleb that kept you in place, glued to Reaper’s side. It was just too good to be true.

 A question was burning in the back of your mind, ever since last night.

 “Why are you letting me go?”

 Reaper was wearing his black hoodie again, hood drawn over his head and veiling a part of his face.

 “Shit,” he sighed after a moment. “I don’t know.” He kicked at a pine cone. “It’s just that… everything I touch… I kill,” he said after turning to you again. “And I don’t want you… to die.”

 You didn’t know what to say to that, but it stirred some      weird     feelings you did not want to acknowledge at this point. So instead, you looked at your own feet, stuffed your hands into your pant’s pockets and just nodded jerkily.

 Silence stretched between you and you wondered if you were supposed to say something… thank you? No way.

 “So, um…” you swallowed drily, “I guess I’ll be going then?” Your heart beat like a rabbit’s, afraid he might change his mind.

 “If you follow the road for about two miles you’ll find a small village with a shop and a phone,” he said in a gravelly tone, gazing into the direction he had just mentioned. He looked so… defeated.

 “Okay,” you said breathlessly, practically vibrating with the urge to get going.

 When he didn’t elaborate, you took a step and set foot on the road, walking slowly at first.

 “Remember what I said about Overwatch,” he called after you, but you were already walking faster, faster until you broke into a run. You didn’t dare look over your shoulder in fear of seeing him following you.

 You ran as fast as you could, tears streaming from your eyes, carried away by the wind blowing around your nose. You were free, free. Adrenaline was urging you along, any fatigue you might have felt blown away.

 When you reached the city limits you almost collapsed, sobbing in relief.

 It was finally over.

[wildlittlefoxsworld]

Waiting 800 years for you | Tony Stark x immortal!reader

Hey guys, this story involves the universe from the books by Lynsay Sands. It's about immortal humans that are modified by nanos in their blood and prevent them from aging and getting sick. They are faster and stronger than mortal humans, and need to drink blood like vampires, because blood is the resource of energy for the nanos. They can read minds from immortals and mortals. And each immortal has a soulmate, the sex between soulmate is very special and intense, and they will be blacking out when they reach a mutual climax from the extreme pleasure.

So, in my story Y/N finds her mate in Tony and of course it's getting steamy. I hope ot turned out okay, because I am not so happy with it. But have fun.

Warnings: alternate universe! Vampires (Immortals), sassy Y/N, fluff, smut

...

Tony showed you around the Avengers Compound and finally you reached his precious lab.

„So, here you are hiding all the cool stuff, sweety,“ you chuckled and were stunned by his inventions.

„Of course, you think it’s cool, because you didn’t have it back then, right?“ Tony added with his genuie smile.

You boxed him playfully in the side and shaked smiling your head. „You can’t stop reffering everything to my past.“

„No, you are the grams here,“ he laughed and couldn’t stop teasing you.

You weren’t mad at him, because you knew Tony for years now and you were so close, that you saw him as a family member.

„The grams could show you skills that you could never dream of.“

Tony raised his eyebrows quizcally. „What skills?“

„Oh, skills, well… I can show you skills that would drive Pepper crazy in the bedroom. Or maybe I show her and she shows you afterwards?“ You answered seductively.

And Tony laughed again, but this time a little bit nervous.

„I can assure you, we were fine in the bedroom,“ he stuttered barely, and you hadn’t notice if you wouldn’t own highly developed senses.

„Don’t worry; your sex life isn’t in the spectrum of my interests. But I can assure you that I know things… that could bring you two never known pleasure,“ you added nonchalantly.

Tony shook his head in disbelief. „No, you don’t understand, Pepper and I broke up four months ago.“

„What?“ you whispered and looked shocked at him. „Tony, I am so sorry and I began to talk about…“

„It’s fine, Y/N, I didn’t tell you, because I wasn’t heartbroken. We decided both that it’s better for the both of us and she’s very happy with her new partner.“

„Did she cheat on you? Because when she did, I will beat the…“

„Y/N, stop! No one cheated on the other and I’m not sad about it. We did it, because I didn’t love her as I should have,“ Tony interrupted you for the second time. „And now: no words about this anymore.“

You were surprised by his demanding voice, but you only nodded. You had to accept his pleading not to talk about it anymore. But there was one thing you could do for him.

You walked over to him and hugged him from behind. Your hands crossed over his chest and you laid your head on his shoulder. You wore high heels, so he and you were nearly the same heigh.

He placed his right hand above yours and turned his head to you. „I’m really fine, Y/N,“ he said with a smile and kissed your cheek. He let go of your hands and you released him out of your arms.

„But I can still show you the skills for the next women in your bed?,“ you tried to light the mood between you.

Tony nearly chocked on the water he was drinking.

„Why do you always discountenance me?“ he asked with a raspy voice.

You shrugged your shoulders. „I don’t know, maybe you’re addicted to me?“

You smiled at him as you walked around in the lab. You knew that Tony followed you with his eyes.

„No… I’m not… we are friends.”

„It’s okay, sweety. To be honest I haven’t had sex in eighthundred years.“

Tony’s jaw dropped down.

„Ehm… are you serious? Eighthundred years? How did you survive this?“

The shock was plastered on his face and his mouth hung still open.

„My mate died. He was the only men I’ve ever got intimate with. And then my sexual desire faded away and well… to get it back I have to meet an another mate,“ you explained with a straight face.

„I’m so sorry, Y/N, I didn’t know. Is that normal for your species? I mean, happens this to every immortal when they don’t have a mate?“ Tony felt bad that he caused sad memories of your passed mate.

„Don’t be sorry, Tony. In the early years I still had sexual interest in other people, but I didn’t follow this instinct, because it was another time and it was no go unless I would be married. And it would’ve faded completely if I hadn’t met my mate. But after his death it’s gone along with no appetite for human food, but this you knew already.“

„And what would happen if you meet a new mate?“ Tony asked curious.

Your eyes began to sparkle, because you remembered how you felt when you met your mate for the first time.

„First, I can’t read his minds. Then my appetite for food will come back and finally I would go insane, because all I would think about is that I want to fuck him. And of course we would fall deeply in love with each other.“

„And you never find a men like this again?“

You shook your head and sighed sadly. „There is a chance, but…“

You looked at Tony and couldn’t believe that you actually talked with him about mates. He was never interested in this topic, but you saw how his brain processed the informations.

„Could you only love your mate truly?“

„I can love whoever I want to love. But with your mate it’s a different kind of love.“

„So you could love someone who is not your mate?“

„Yes, like I said. But why you want to know?“ you asked curious, because Tony seemed to be nervous. You watched him intensely, but he just shooked his head like he would try to get rid of bad minds.

„Just for science, Y/N, your species is very interesting. Did you know that?“ Tony explained with a slight smile.

You raised an eyebrow suspiciously. „Yeah, I know, that’s because no one knows about immortals. The human kind would make experiments and tests with us and would want to steal our technology.“

„What technology?“ Tony asked in confusion.

„The technology that made us immortal. The nanos in my organism that keep me strong and healthy.“

„What nanos?“ Tony’s voice got higher and he came over to you. He stood a few inches away from you and looked at you very curious now.

„In my organism are little nanobots that live there. They repair every cell if I get injured and prevent my cells from aging.“

„And how they work? What is their source of enery?“

You chuckled, because he got excited like a kid.

„With blood. My body can’t produce enough blood, so I have to drink blood.“

„That’s incredible. And from where did you get the nanos?“

„You can’t buy or build them. No one knows how the sciencetists invented them. I was born this way, Tony. So I don’t know.“

„You were born like this?“ You could hear the disbelief in his voice. „That’s impossible, Y/N. If it’s true, then the nanos can copy themselves?“

„Believe it or not, but they can do.“

„You’re a miracle!“ Tony exclaimed.

You started to panic, because he was extreme excited about the knowledge he achieved and you thought your relationship would change from now on.

„Tony, everything I told you… I did tell you because I trust you. You have to promise me to keep it a secret,“ you pleaded him and your weak voice made him sober from his childish excitement.

He sighed heavily. „I know. I don’t want you to get problems with your people.“

„Thank you,“ you answered greatfully.

„But you are still a miracle to me, Y/N. Could you tell me more?“

You breathed deeply in and out. „Maybe next time, Tony. I think that was enough information for you at one day.“

„Yeah, maybe you’re right, but if I thought my stuff is cool, you’re so much cooler,“ Tony said seriously.

You pursed your lips, because his words abashed you. So you turned away from him and don’t know what to do, you weren’t used to compliments from Tony.

„You don’t need to be embrassed,“ Tony tried to reassure you. „You’re a stunning women.“

You smiled slightly and nodded at him.

„I see, enough of you being gorgeous and so on,“ he chuckled.

You weren’t sure why the compliments from Tony made you feel ashamed. You always got compliments about your beauty and appearance, but no one ever said being an immortal is a miracle. You’re used to your condition and you never talked with human about it.

You looked at Tony and you both stood there in silence. Neither of you knew what to say.

If he only knew that your heart was pouding in your chest like crazy since he picked you up at the airport. The tight hug he gave you and then he took your hand, it felt so right in this moment. Earlier he asked if you ever had met a new mate. Well, you knew that he was your mate since you met him two years ago. You couldn’t read his minds, but you never told him. He thought that you didn’t read his minds, because you respected him and didn’t want to be impolite.

„Y/N, are you alright?“ Tony asked suddenly and your head turned immadiately in his direction. You looked him right in the eyes and could see his concern.

„I’m fine, Tony, I was just thinking.“

„About what? I know you can read my minds, but it would be awesome if I could read your minds too,“ Tony suggested.

You didn’t answer, because you didn’t want to lie again. It would be better, if you tell him the truth. Be brave, you told yourself.

„In fact… I… I can’t your read your minds,“ you admitted sheepishly. Now the cat was out of the bag and you bit your lip as you watched nervously his reaction.

He raised his eyebrows in surprisement. „You can’t?“, he stuttered.

„Why? How long? Y/N, what does that mean?“ He tried to figure what was going on.

You didn’t realise that you were holding your breath and breathed out shakily. „It means you could be my mate.“

You were shocking Tony for the third time this day and his head began to feel dizzy.

„But why did you never say anything? I mean, if I’m your mate, then you’re my mate, too. And that’s…“

„Impossible, I know,“ you interrupted him this time. „You already said we’re just friends.”

„No, Y/N, I think it’s awesome. Astonishingly I didn’t expect that would it be so perfect.“

Bewildered from his words your expression turned from sad to suspicious.

„Why is this perfect for you?“ You asked carefully, you weren’t prepared for his answer.

„It feels like a dream come true, Y/N,“ Tony answered hoarsely. He looked at you with a big smile and came closer to you, wrapping you tightly in his arms.

You could feel his breath on your skin and the strength of his muscles, but you were so surprised by his actions that you placed your hands at his chest, but you didn’t push him away, you just leaned back to better look at him.

„Please, explain me, Tony, what’s gotten into you? I thought you don’t think in this way about me. I told you, you could be probably my mate and you are so happy about it… That’s not the typically reaction of humans to the revelation that they could be the mate of an immortal.“

You were still suspicious and tried to read his face, if that was all true or just to try a shot to get more information from you.

You could tell that his actions showed you otherwise. His sweet smile and the hope in his eyes. You were still confused, but you hoped for all good.

„Since the first day I met you, I have a massive crush on you. You were so pretty in that white dress and your smile made my head spin. And when I started flirting with out, you just turned my advances down. But I didn’t want to give up and you finally said yes to go on dinner with me. We got to know each other and I realized that we worked perfectly as friends, and I didn’t want to lose this new friendship. So I stopped my plans to seduce you and here we are two years later,“ Tony ended his explanation and you shooked your head confused.

„You like me for two years and never told me?“ you said affronted with a loud voice.

You saw a flash of hurt in Tony’s eyes.

„I am truly sorry, Y/N. I just thought you wouldn’t like me back in this way, so I never started to…“

„I don’t like you, Tony,“ you admitted and wanted to make this point clear.

Tony felt like someone punched in his face. He immediately stepped back from you. „What kind of game is this, Y/N?“ he asked you with anger in his voice.

„Let me finish, Tony.“

Tony just nodded and you took a deep breath. You didn’t want to hurt him, but you need to say it this way.

„Finally I can say it. Tony, I am madly in love with you. I’ve waited eight hundred years for you, there would an simple ‚I like you too‘ sounds too boring.“

Obvious relief was shown on Tony’s face. „You had no idea how scared I was. Don’t ever do this again to me.“

You smiled slightly.

„So, do you want to be my mate?“ you asked carefully, because Tony definitely knew now what it means to be your mate.

„Is this still a question? Y/N, I love you and I want to be together with you. So of course, I want to be your mate.“

He pulled you back in his arms and pressed your body flushed against his. You felt his warmth and you heard his heart hammering in his chest. His face was buried in the crook of your neck.

This was so much affection within seconds and the feeling was overwhelming for you. You scooped your arms around his shoulders and closed your eyes, inhaling his unique scent.

„Is this the part when I can finally kiss you?“ Tony mumbled in your ear and you nodded encouraging.

He placed a little kiss right under your ear and continued with more kisses over your cheek until the corner your mouth. „You want more?“ he whispered against your lips.

With a bright smile you pressed your mouth on his. It was something you wished it had happened already a long time ago. But it felt better then in your imagination. You often thought about how his lips would feel, how his touches on your bare skin would feel. You always liked it when his strong arms were hugging you and his hands were kneading your back when it was tense.

First it was a simple kiss, without much pressure. You breathed calmly through your nose and smiled slightly against his lips, because it made you really happy that this kiss finally happened.

His lips began to move, you obliged and kissed him back with much more passion this time, you changed the angle of kissing him and now you two had a much better access to each other.

Tony tested if you wanted to go further when the tip of his tongue tracing your lower lip. You opened your mouth a little bit and you met his tongue halfway. He was licking in your mouth, demanding but still gentle. Your knees went weak when he devoured you.

“Tony, I want you,” you whispered and he all he did was grabbing your thighs and sat you on the table behind you. His strong thighs between your legs, his firm muscles pressed against your breasts and his mouth was searing hot against your skin at your neck.

“You have me, you have me always if you want to.” Tony sucked hard on your neck and you would leave marks, but sadly not for too long.

“Oh, yes, Tony.” His hands pulled you on your hips closer to him and you were pressed together with every part of your bodies. You could feel everything and it felt awesome to be near him.

Your mouths found back to each other and this time you laid all your feelings in this kiss. You wanted him to know that he was loved by you and that he deserved to be loved. You knew about his struggles in the past and you were sure he still had issues, but was just too proud to show it.

You were sad that things didn’t work out with Pepper, but he told you it was okay and you believed him. On the other side you were happy that you could finally be together with him.

His hands wandered under your shirt and you moaned against his lips when he touched your bare skin. “Are you comfortable?” Tony asked with a lower voice and just kissed him hard.

He traced your skin up from your hips over the sides to your ribcage and his large hands fit perfectly to your torso. His thumbs brushed the lower side of your breasts and your breath hitched in your throat.

“Please, Tony. Touch me. You can touch me everywhere. I just want to feel you,” you said desperate and wanted than just to kiss Tony.

You saw the excitement in his eyes and with a little growl he picked you up. Automatically you wrapped your arms and legs around his tall figure. Now it was your turn to kiss his face and neck, you nipped at the skin under his ear, bit slightly down above his collarbone. You heard him moaning quietly and his hands grabbed your flesh harder.

“Keep doing this and I will take you against the wall right now,” he threatened and you looked in his face. “Is this a promise?” you asked him with a grin and squeezed your legs around him what made your core pressed to his lower parts.

“Well, I rather like to have you in my bed, preferably naked.” With these words he walked straight to his bedroom. On the way he lost his shirt and you continued to kiss his new exposed skin.

A moment later you were laid down on the silky sheets and Tony helped you to strip down to your underwear. Purple bra and matched panties. He looked at you with hungry eyes and your body shivered in anticipation.

“I will make you mine and I’ll be yours,” Tony said with a serious voice and leaned down to capture your lips in a passionate kiss. You knew that sex with a mate was very intensive. You experienced it once with your first mate. But Tony wasn’t aware of the feelings that your intimate actions would cause.

Your skin was already on fire, every inch he kissed and touched was burning. Your bra disappeared a few minutes ago and Tony was mesmerized by your breasts. He licked and sucked and kissed the way over your upper body to your stomach and you moaned louder with every passing second.

“Can I take them off?” Tony was smiling to you and you could just nod. You weren’t able to speak and all you wanted was him close to you again. He hooked his fingers under the hem of your panties and pulled the last piece of your clothes down your legs.

You opened your thighs when he crawled back up. You helped him to push his jeans and boxers off and finally you were bare, skin on skin. “Tony, I need you. You feel so good. I thought I would never be with you like this. That I could never have the chance to love you, to tell you how much I love you.”

“I love you too,” he answered and looked into your eyes. “I’m so lucky to be here with you.”

“And there will be a lot more times like this.” You caressed his cheek and leaned into your touch. He kissed your palm and took your hand in his.

Slowly you touched his chest, feeling his old scars underneath your fingertips, and you watched awestruck how well build his muscles was despite his age.

“I think… I think you were used to more defined bodies, because you are all so good in shape… oh, Y/N,” he stuttered and you hushed him when you kissed his face and your hands roamed his upper body. You reached his waist you decided to grab his butt with both hands and he gasped loudly, his hips jolted forward into your core.

The friction was delightful and you throw your head back. Tony buried his face in the crook in your neck. “What a naughty girl,” he mumbled and began to rock his pelvis against yours.

“You want my cock, baby girl, right?”

You felt how hard he was and your little action have change his whole behaviour.

“Tony, please, don't make me wait,” you begged whining and he didn't let him tell twice.

He put his weight on one hand beside your head and used the other to position himself before your entrance. You opened your legs a little wider and you felt the pure bliss when he slowly sank into you.

“Oh god, just like that,” Tony groaned above you and then he started moving. It was a fast pace and he thrusted deep inside of you. Tony hit all the right places and soon you were clinging to him, encouraging him to take you harder. To make you fall apart from the pleasure he caused to you.

“You are taking my cock so good. If you keep squeezing me like that I will come too soon.”

You kissed him hard again and you both moaned when his thrusts went sloppier, but gained on pace.

“Come with me, my mate.”

You didn't try to focus on his face when you reached your climax and your walls clenched down on him.

You view began to blurry and you welcomed the darkness.

Well, it's gonna be funny when you both will wake up and Tony realizing he passed out from his orgasm.

[lakinda5654]

~~~~A Girl and A God~~~~ Chapter 3- Breaking

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A Girl and A God is a RATED M Loki Fanfic with an original character, Alexa, who is taken in by Tony Stark after the revelation of abilities of her own. There’s sex, romance, heartbreak, action, fluff, angst, all that good stuff. Full description in blog, and a jump-to-chapter list if you just want the smut or the cuteness bits. Enjoy <3

Chapter Summary: Tony pulls the team together to try to get Alexa to talk, but she has lost hope...

Contains: depression, suicidal feelings, imprisonment

Word Count: 2,070

~Previous Chapter~~Next Chapter~

~Beginning of Story~

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The entire team sat at their long table in the Avengers tower. “Ok so the main point of dragging your asses up here this morning-” Tony said as he pressed a small remote. “Alexa Coston. According to witnesses that survived, the 20-year-old girl decided to explode. This obliterated her home and the other few within a couple miles. There was no evidence of a bomb and at the center of it, we found her passed out on the ground. If that wasn't already weird enough for you she was literally glowing silver along her arms. We drugged her to keep her asleep and brought her here to one of the max holding cells.”

Everyone looked at the pictures in the projection. Some with curiosity, and some with utter confusion. It showed a circumference of complete destruction of several miles of farmland  around the epicenter.

“How??” Thor bellowed. Loki rolled his eyes at his brother's dense question from across the table. His hands were still always cuffed behind his back, and Tony wasn’t sure if it would pay off to even have him there. But, he never knew when the bastard could be the key to solving strange problems like these.

“If we knew that we wouldn’t be here,” Tony replied after a pause of irritation.

“There was no bomb?” Bruce pushed. “How is she alive?”

“Not only is she alive but she doesn’t have a single scratch on her” Tony replied.

The room was quiet for a few seconds.

“Come on” Steve spoke up for the first time in the meeting. “You all are familiar with all this science and magic... stuff,” he stumbled on his words. “What is this? Is there anything even related to it? Anything similar to what anyone has experienced or seen?”

Nothing. Then Peter got brave and spoke up, excited to take part in the meeting. “Why don’t we just ask her?”

“It appears she is either mute,” Tony paused, and you could hear the aggravation in his voice. “Or she is the most stubborn little shit I’ve ever had the pleasure of dealing with.” Tony then spat out, “except that one.” Pointing at Loki, who proceeded to do a little bow with his head as if he were proud of his performance.

There was a pause.

“Have you gone in there to talk to her?” Asked Natasha. 

“No. She’s too dangerous, that could be what she’s waiting for. We don’t know her intentions.” Tony replied.

“Why is this even an issue?” Loki said, seeming uninterested and unimpressed with this specimen. “Why not wait her out? She’ll talk or die or go insane in there alone after a while. If she talks or not your threat is eliminated.”

“Because...” Tony seemed to be almost hissing in irritation. “The general public, as well as the Feds, are breathing down my neck for an answer for why there is a perfectly circular disaster zone in the middle of the god damn Oregon countryside. It was a miracle that we even have her at this point instead of them, we just happened to get there first.” That shut Loki up, though he still seemed bored by the meeting.

“Well we are not making any progress right now, just send someone in.” “No he’s right, it’s too dangerous.” “Well if she’s that powerful she could have escaped by now anyway!” The arguing ensued. Finally, they ended with the decision that someone would need to talk to her in the cell.  Nothing else was making progress.

Then the arguing only continued with deciding who. They were all pushing to volunteer themselves, as heroes do. Arguing over how expendable each of them was. They had been going for a couple minutes when Loki finally shouted.

“ENOUGH.” Loki stood and kicked the leg of the table, causing the entire group to go into attack positions facing him. He rolled his eyes at their reaction. “You are all so primitive and self-sacrificing you’ve forgotten I can send one of you without sending one of you. You mewling quims.” The group was still tense until Loki slowly returned to his chair. He was right though. He could send an illusion to speak to the girl and that way, no one would be in harm's way.

“If we send an illusion we can’t leave it under HIS control.” spat Clint. 

“Fine. I’ll project one of you. You can do whatever you wish that way. can we cease the pointless arguing now then so I can go back to my solitude away from this madness before the next week?” Loki said, looking to Tony. 

He nodded, “The projection is a good idea. Who should we send?” 

And of course, they again argued over who would be most likely to coax the girl to speak. They argued endlessly at times it seemed. In the end, they went with Steve upon realizing they could try others if he was unsuccessful. So Loki created the illusion- projecting Steve into the room from outside of it, displaying his every word and movement. The group watched the cell camera feed intently. Loki projected the Steve into the room as Peter opened and quickly shut the door behind it. 

As “Steve” entered the room, Alexa didn’t look up. The girl was curled up on her mattress, facing the wall, unmoving and uninterested. Steve started. “Hey”

Nothing.

“I’m Steve. How are you doing?”

She could have been a corpse if it weren’t the slight movements of her breathing, raising and lowering her rib cage under her loose cotton t-shirt.

Steve looked to the others, looking for guidance. Natasha motioned for him to keep talking.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe if you were real”

The girl's melodic voice took them all by surprise with its presence. At least she’d spoken, but how did she know?

“If I was real?” Steve asked uncomfortably.

“Yes. If you weren’t a projection or hologram or whatever the fuck you are...” she raised her hand up above her head where they could see it so she could make air quotes, “Steve”

A long pause ensued with Steve looking to the others a bit panicked. Loki stopped the illusion.

“She never even looked at it. How did she know?” Bruce commented

“Even if she looked at it,” Loki spat, “she couldn’t have been able to tell by sight. My illusions have no flaws.” Loki was suddenly much more interested in this supposedly mortal girl who could see through his trickery.

Tony was quiet. “Someone needs to go in. She said she’d talk if he was real”

“She said “maybe” and it was sarcastic.” Loki spat. The room was quiet. Before anyone could volunteer themselves, Tony’s suit had surrounded his body and he entered the elevator.

“Watch and learn kids,” he said as the doors shut. Steve and Thor appeared as if they’d almost tried to stop him, but knew it was useless to try.

Tony slowly stepped into the room. His metallic suit made his footsteps loud, almost uncomfortably loud with how quiet and echoing the cell was. He let out a sigh.

“You must be Stark.”

“Yep, I’m real and I’m in here, in the flesh and metal. Now can you please tell us what happened?? Preferably now?”

Alexa was still in the same position.

“Please turn around” Tony pushed. “We need to figure this out. Was it an accident? Did someone hurt you?”

The girl was quiet. “You could never possibly understand”

She was talking. Yes. Finally.

“Of course not. You're a teenager, no one can understand you. That’s what you all think at this age but the reality is, we’ve all been there, and most of us get it kid. Try me.” Tony replied hopefully.

“No, you couldn’t. You are the most widely loved person in the entirety of New York,” she said. “I can feel you would never understand what it’s like to be an unlovable, mutated monster.” She was almost whispering, and Tony realized she might be holding back tears. 

He also noticed her skin. She was pale and shaky, likely from starving herself for the last two days. “Why are you that frail-looking? I mean I guess you’re small but two days shouldn’t do this much damage. You’ll think clearer on a full stomach.” He slid a tray of food towards her. “Eat something.” 

“I haven't eaten in 5 days, not 2.” 

“What- why?” 

She didn’t respond to him. Tony pressed. He tried to convince her to tell him more, but she was silent and unmoving once more. He left the cell.

At least that gave them something. She appeared to be slightly breaking from the solitude and self-imposed starvation. She also seemed to be remorseful- it was an accident. Or at least she regretted it if it wasn’t. 

They tried Thor. She once again knew who had entered without looking at them. “Oh wow, a king from another land.” She said with sarcasm in her voice. “My liege” and she gestures dramatically with her hand in the air above her still, unmoving body.

“How did you know that?” Thor asked.

“Why do you care?” She responded thickly.

Thor paused. “I’m not all perfect like Tony...” he said with the tone of a boy trying to convince his mother he deserved an extra cookie, only deep and bellowing. “I disobeyed my father and didn’t become king.”

She was quiet.

“And you’re loved,” she said.

Thor stopped trying to convince.

“Why are you doing this.” He asked, losing the pleading tone of voice.

“I want to die” she responded as if she had just said she had a cold. “I will starve eventually and die. That would be better anyway, then no one will ever have the power of this curse again.” She was stoic, and still unmoving. 

“You are worried you’ll be tested, becoming a weapon of some sort?” Thor asked hesitantly.

Abruptly, the door opened to have Tony join them, his sarcastic tone included. “Hey, kid have you heard of the Avengers?” he made his tone cheery as a salesman would, only dripping with sarcasm. “It’s this ragtag group of misfits that saved you from being eventually eaten by aliens a couple months back. And well, guess what. We didn’t experiment on them. They’re almost all freaks, and they are here. Alive, with families even. Happy.”

Alexa listened quietly, and it was then that Thor left and let Tony take over. 

He continued, changing his tone to more serious. “We have no intention of hurting you. We just want to help figure out how this happened, and help it not happen again. You’ll heal. You’ll have a life. You don’t need to be afraid like this.” 

Alexa stopped, thinking for a moment. Tony held his tongue for about ten seconds, and just before he was about to break the silence, she spoke. “I’m sorry. But that does not change the fact that I want to die. Experiments or not, I am a monster. An unlovable, disgusting mutant who killed my family and my home.” It was clear she was crying now. “Nothing fucking helps. They were right about me. I’m a monster and a danger to others. I’m a freak. I can see right through you and all your fucking intentions, all your fears, everything. There is no other one like me. I’m completely alone. And if I can’t talk to someone who might even have a vague capacity for understanding what I’ve been through, I don’t want to live anymore.”

There was a long pause. Tony heard the girls quiet sobs.

“Tony, you have billions of dollars and every resource at your disposal. If you can’t find one person like me that can help me and actually understand what I’m going through instead of pretending they do” she was loudly sobbing now.“Then I’d rather be dead than continue alone”

The group was quiet as they listened to her. Tony was quiet for a moment, then left.

 As he re-entered the meeting room, Loki ended the silence.“Well, she broke!” His voice was cheery and clashed with the somber energy of the room, earning confused glares from the team. “She’s clearly made up her mind.” He clapped his hands together as if they’d accomplished something. “May I return to my quarters now?”

[youngster-monster]

don’t give it a hand, offer it a soul

(lek still belongs to my good pal @arcquos / @thomas-erin who still agrees to play with me despite my chronic dumbassery)

The Voice of Riven dies in a burst of static and darkness, a wave of Taken energy washing over the room. Razel staggers as it crashes into him, the echo of an eldritch scream and the taste of static electricity on his tongue.

He feels cold all over until it dissipates moments later. He’s left off-kilter, exhausted, wrung out.

But there’s still Uldren to deal with, so. He endures.

Uldren’s eyes are clear when he looks up the barrel of his gun, filled with scorn – ha. Is that where the name comes from?

What would the notorious Cayde-6 do?

He’d throw Uldren back into the cell he should never have left, confident in his ability to capture him were he to break out again. He’d mock him endlessly, and take Razel and Ikora out to eat ramen after.

But Cayde is dead, and Razel pulls the trigger.

He doesn’t stay long enough to see Uldren’s blood dry.

Lek is maybe slightly bitter that she didn’t get to kill Uldren herself. In her defense, if she had she would have inherited the Hunter Vanguard title, and that’s a pretty neat title. It comes with a great knife budget, which is everything a Hunter ever thrives for.

But mostly she feels relief, for Uldren’s death, and worry, for Razel.

Her friend is acting weirdly. She wants to chalk it up on the reality of the situation finally registering to him with. Without the anger, without vengeance driving him, there’s just the sadness left. That and the terrible emptiness Cayde left behind.

They all feel it keenly. A hush fell on the Tower – it’s just not the same without Cayde there.

Yeah, that must be it. She’s never seen Razel grieve before, of course it would look weird. And they all have their coping mechanisms – staring into empty space and muttering back to an unseen (person) is far from the worst she’s seen.

At least he’s not hurting himself or others. And he’s still treating her to ramen semi-regularly. That’s as close to sane and healthy one can get in the wake of loss.

Just this once, she pays the bill. He deserves it.

For Cayde.

.

“Uldren must have been truly desperate, to go to the Taken-”

“I don’t think he knew.”

Zavala tilts his head, curious. Him and Ikora are standing at her desk, looking down at Razel’s reports of the events that transpired at the Watchtower. It’s annotated to hell and back by the two of them from Razel’s barely more exhaustive oral report. The man has the perceptive skills of a dead oyster, especially in combat, so Petra had gracefully given them her own notes as well. The result was a multi-colored mix of observations and conjunctures, no one managing to tell why, for sure, Uldren had acted the way he had. Or even how.

“Of course he wasn’t exactly bothered by the way the Scorn operated, so it’s not entirely out of the question, but… I do believe he genuinely thought he was resurrecting his sister. He was simply manipulated.”

“Odd. He’s far from stupid: he should have seen the obvious signs.”

“What if… What if he didn’t want to see them?” At his questioning glance, she continues. “Grief makes fools of all of us. It’s easy to overlook the red flags when you’re… Desperate.”

Zavala looks into her own eyes, rendered dark by grief, and nods. “You’re right.”

They both look back to the report in front of them. Someone desperate enough to try and bring someone back to life, close enough to the Taken for Riven to talk to him and foolish enough to fall for his words–

Fuck.

“Razel,” they say in unison with growing horror.

.

“If I’ve seen him lately? Yeah, few days ago, we went out for ramen.”

“Razel? I think he’s been hauled up in his ship for like. A week. He’s going through some stuff, ya know.”

“Haven’t seen him since giving him Ace back.”

No sign of him anywhere for days, at least. Ikora jogs back to Zavala, who tells her the same.

Razel is nowhere to be seen, probably going insane, and on his way to bring a gigantic Taken in their world for the second time in as many weeks.

“Send a message to Petra, tell her to meet us at the Watchtower.”

.

There is a constant hum in the background, kind of like a buzz or- static, or-

He feels drunk. Cubix feels drunk, speaking in bursts of radio chatter, hard to hear. His light blinks furiously, a Dark Age monitor with faulty wiring.

“Almost there, buddy.”

Cayde’s voice is a cold balm on his feverish mind and he leans into it. He feels almost-solid. Like dipping your hand in rushing water and feeling the pressure of the current.

On the other end of his tunnel vision, a familiar sight. The top of the Watchtower. He’s not sure if the darkness creeping up upon it come from his eyes or Uldren’s acts on it.

He only failed because he wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t a Guardian, couldn’t possibly wield a shard of pure Light. Razel doesn’t need one.

He is Light, held like a suspended lightning bolt in the space between his bones. It crackles through his blood, sings on his tongue, burns at the tip of his fingers.

He can do this. For Cayde.

“Just touch it. It might hurt, but that’s how you know it’s working, right?”

He stretches his hand, breathing slowly, body a live wire. Anticipation and dread of success and defeat both.

“Razel!”

The voice cuts through his haze, sending him stumbling back in surprise. Footsteps rush to him. Cayde touches the back of his head, stops him from turning around.

“C'mon, you just need to do this-”

“Razel, don’t!”

“I’m already close to your world-”

His hand dips through the portal.

The world–

shatters.

The last thing he hears as his light rushes out of him is his name, screamed by three voices. None of them are Cayde’s.

.

To no one’s greatest surprise but his own, Razel wakes up.

He wakes up drained, exhausted, and in more pain that he can remember ever being in, but he’s alive, and that’s more than he expected.

He also wakes up to Lek lifting him by his collar and shaking him so hard she almost knocks him out again, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“-utter moron, absolute dumbass, so fucking stupid, (colonel chicken) is smarter than you-”

He attempts a defense of himself. All that comes out is a weak groan which, fair.

“Lek- Lek. He’s awake. Let him go.”

Lek turns her burning eyes on Ikora, but the warlock doesn’t even blink. Things have been… Tense, lately z between hunters and the Vanguard. Or so she told him. He half expects her to jump at Ikora’s throat because of that. But she doesn’t, and he falls back down, wincing at the shock.

“Razel.”

Oh no.

That’s Ikora’s I’m Not Mad, Just Disappointed voice. He thought Lek was bad, but this… This is the worst. He can already feel himself shrinking in shame, but he has to ask-

“Cayde,” he rasps out. “Where’s Cayde?”

“Razel-”

“Did it work? Did I bring him back?”

Lek looks away. Ikora doesn’t. She hold his eyes and say, gently, “All you saw were Riven’s hallucinations. He’s… Bringing him back requires the kind of miracle even you can’t accomplish.”

A new voice, behind him. Petra. “He’s gone, Razel.”

His eyes start to burn, and it takes him far too long to realize he’s crying. A sob rips through his throat. His two friends lift him and he crumples forward into their arms, shaking, coming apart at the seems.

A hand rests on his shoulder. “I know, I miss him too,” Petra whispers in his ear.

He doesn’t know how long they stay here, all somewhere between misty-eyed and full-on bawling, mourning the death of their best friend.

.

“I can’t believe you saw Uldren get eaten by this thing and your first thought was to do the exact same thing.”

“In my defense… It wasn’t really a thought.”

“Yeah. Traveler forbid you actually think, for once.”

[icharchivist]

A DGM/Within Temptation song list. Somehow.

@x-theskyatdawn-x replied to your post “@x-theskyatdawn-x replied to your post “DGM Playlist: *starts to play...”

*HI FIVE* they're just sooo goooood and yesss can relate their songs to things so always a bonus XD OMG YESSS I've always seen somewhere as a Kanda song!!! it's perfect <3 will be interested to see anymore DGM WT matchups :D

yyyeeeess exactly!!! And aahh so glad you agree yes!!!!

humm perhaps i can go back song by song and see why i put them in the playlist, more under the cut ;O Always love rambling about musics of my playlists ahah

so this will be “the Within Temptation* Songs in my D. Gray Man playlist” with a major bias over Yulma&Laven in terms of ships, for anyone to be warned. And I DO reach a lot. 

*+ My Indigo, the solo project of the singer, since well, she’s the song writter for both bands so might as well include it??

Also so it makes 26 songs i feel strongly enough about to ramble about them and 14 songs that are just vague enough to be mentioned. That’s. a lot of songs but what can i say.

General:

Paraside (What about us?)

Oooh that’s for the Order in general, since the song is very themed in people getting lost in a war without the war thinking about them, promising them a “paradise”

There's no sense, the fire burns, When wisdom fails, it changes all The wheel embodies all that keeps on turning Blood red skies, I feel so cold, No innocence We play our roll. The wheel embodies all, Where are we going? All in all, You expect the wise to be wiser Fallen from grace and All and all I guess we should have known better 'Cause What about us? Isn't it enough? No we're not in paradise. But it's all we want, And it's all that we're fighting for, Thought it's not paradise You and us, or I and them, There comes a time to take a stand The wheel is watching all, It keeps on burning The venom works, it's like a curse, A trojan horse, when will we learn? The wheel embodies all that keeps returning

Yup, definitly the Order.

Our Solemn Hour

THE INNOCENCE and how badly the Order takes it to some extreme. It’s litterally a song about begging the Holy Spirit and “letting those horrors happen”?? I mean not to post all the lyrics but fuck:

In my darkest hours I could not foresee That the tide could turn so fast to this degree Can't believe my eyes, How can you be so blind? Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside? Time keeps on slipping away and we haven't learned So in the end now what have we gained? Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve Can we break free from chains of never-ending agony? Are they themselves to blame, the misery, the pain? Didn't we let go, allowed it, let it grow? If we can't restrain the beast which dwells inside It will find it's way somehow, somewhere in time Will we remember all of the suffering 'Cause if we fail it will be in vain

Okay no i have Feelings about this song: “I could not foresee” we see allen had a tone of visions. The tide? Like a tide formed by a Flood???  “The heart of stone” specifically about how the order would have lost its empaty? Not learning from their mistakes? Insanity brought by all of the?  “Are they themselves to blame” > the Noah forcing them to do all that “But didn’t we (...) let it grow?” > but the horrors the Order had made, and it specifically makes me think of Alma. The whole part about the Beast dwelling inside that will end up backfiring at them reminds me of both Alma and Nea this kills me.  And if they fail, it would be the end of the world. Fucking genuis of a song.

The Recknoning

Lots of war vibes on this one, a bit more generic but some thing shelp also as Allen’s place as a soldier:

As cold as stone, they march in darkness Enslaving the young and killing their fathers But soon they'll know the path they've chosen Has carved their fate in stone

Oh i remember “carved their fate in stone” reminds me of the 10 commandments somehow so i guess the religious aspect helps

Also the chorus with blood and tears and red tears, Allen litterally cries blood at some point after all due to the Akuma (something i can link back to well, killing their fathers)

The rest of the song talks about people who fell into the battle for their freedom, and about “seeing a face between the madness and the sadness” to end the war, which somehow makes me think of Allen and Mana?

Raise your Banner

More general war, with a side of “once believing in (who is now your enemy)” which can fit for Allen. Also those parts:

I'm feeling the eyes of the fallen, they're watching me They make me see, they make me see I'm feeling the pain how you break them and make them bleed You make them bleed, you make them bleed

This makes me think SO HARD about Allen and how he sees the Akuma

When gods are failing, They put all heaven in a rage, We're on our own Our tears keep falling, They're setting fire to the flame

The whole conflict between the two gods but in the end where is God right? that fits sooo well. 

Allen (with a side of Nea&Mana)

Endless War

oh this one is mostly the vibe, but the Holy war is litterally a Endless War, and the song is about how any attempt to end it just makes it worse as people cut you down which i think fits a lot Allen’s journey. Also this, not recognizing the ghosts in the mirror reminds me of Nea. 

Looking through the glass, Cannot recognize the ghost that you’re seeing Every step you take on the burning sand slowly sinking deeper All the memories remain of the pain broken your broken home And the walls that your heart grew so strong, You can't let go  (...)  Here they come again,  Hear them whispering when your heart is bleeding Like a symphony playing on repeat, unraveling your feelings You keep crawling on, won't let it go, You keep holding on to feel whole ’Cause you're fighting an endless war, Hunting a miracle And when you reach out for stars, They just cut you down Is it worth dying for? Or are you blinded by it all?

Silver Moonlight

ah of course i’d have this one for the silver eyed boy. For Allen obviously. Kinda makes me think about his struggle with Nea and how determined he runs away from it all. 

I'm hellhound in this life, Keep fighting this endless war It's always been like this, I don't know why Enslavement of your mind, Your fear it ties me down Going down, I won't bow, no Screaming at the walls of fire, They're closing in on me I hunger for the vertigo, the silver moonlight, it's where I wanna be.  Screaming at the walls of fire, But I'm still running free In the silver moonlight I can breathe

I'm impatient, but it's colors that I need Too many shades of grey, I cannot breathe The dreams I have ain't tainted, I need you to believe The only way to make them real

The Whole World is Watching

this one is a bit wish fuffilment but for Allen? How his struggle is the center of all of history right now. The scars carrying him through, the steps taken ahead, and hopefully finding himself on the way. 

The scars are made, they're changing the game. You learn to play it hard. And I know you wish for more, and I know you try. And now you realize, you know the time is right. The whole world is watching when you rise. The whole world is beating for you right now. Your whole life is flashing 'fore your eyes. It's all in this moment that changes all. What are you waiting for? What are you fighting for? 'Cause time's always slipping away. You build your walls then break them away 'cause that is what it takes. You saved yourself. You found who you are. That never goes away. Your sacrifice comes through your mind, but nothing is wasted. You made it now. You rise again, breaking out. Each step you've taken, you've paid the price

Final Destination

Allen’s struggle with Nea mostly?

I escaped my final moment, but it's turning back at me On every corner I can feel it waiting Just a moment, no awareness, I could easily slip away And then I'll be gone forever I'm searching, I'm fighting for a way to get through, to turn it away It's waiting, always trying, I feel the hands of fate, they're suffocating Tell me what's the reason, Is it all inside my head? Can't take it no more! All around me I see danger, and it's closing in on me Every second I can hear it breathing I can't stand the fear inside me, Cause it's leading me astray And it will be my ending (..) But no one faced what's coming my way, And I will let my fear fade away Whatever may be, I'll have to find out

I cant even word my justification there, it’s just, such an internal struggle and a fear of madness,  of losing himself completely? It’s amazing. And it happened after Allen almost died, so after he “escaped his final moment”

It’s the Fear

Ooh same reasoning, Allen & Nea:

It waits for the day I will let it out. To give it a reason, to give its might. I fear who I am becoming, I feel that I am losing the struggle within. I can no longer restrain it, my strength it is fading, I have to give in. It's the fear of the dark, It's growing inside of me, that one day will come to life. Have to save my beloved, there is no escape, because my faith is horror and doom. (..) Long ago it came to me, and ever since that day, infected with its rage but it ends today. 

The beloved thing can even be interpreted in a Past!Neallen idea, of Allen saving his beloved, feeling like he had to, but in the end it just made everything worse? “Long ago it came to me”, it recalls a lot their past life, and how since then it’s breaking Current!Allen

The Truth Beneath The Rose

Allen both as a reply to the Order’s corruption and Nea growing inside of him, hands down

Pray for me 'cause I have lost my faith in holy wars Is paradise denied to me 'cause I can't take no more? Has darkness taken over me, consumed my mortal soul? All my virtues sacrificed, can Heaven be so cruel? I believe it would justify the means, it had a hold over me Blinded to see the cruelty of the beast It is the darker side of me (forgive me my sins) The veil of my dreams deceived that I have seen Forgive me for what I have been, Forgive me my sins. I'm hoping, I'm praying, I won't get lost between two worlds For all I have seen the truth lies in between Give me the strength to face the wrong that I have done Now that I know the darkest side of me How can blood be our salvation?  And justify the pain that we have caused throughout the times? Will I learn what's truly sacred? Will I redeem my soul, will truth set me free?

It screams “desillusion with the people you did a holy war for” while also feeling like losing yourself. “getting lost in between two world but the truth lies in between” COMON. And it fits with allen trying to find answers atm.

Mercy Mirror

Nea & Mana, and perhaps to some extend Mana & Allen? This is a very weird song and the whole mirror idea reminds me of them

We are forever as one in what remains You're in my blood from the cradle to the grave I don't like to think about the pieces,  Or the cracks and the breaks that still remain, If I could breathe, I'd ask you (...) How to see and to feel what is real When sunlight reaches my soul? So look in my mercy mirror, I need you more than I have known So look in my mercy mirror, 'Cause I'm not ready to let you go It's a wicked game life plays, How it gives and takes away No turning 'round, touching ground What we had was so much more than I realized If I could, I'd embrace, embrace you

I’m almost certain it’s a song the singer wrote about her father who died, so it fits a lot too with Mana and Allen just on that principle, and the fact that Allen is still reaching for a part of him in Mana and feel so lost without him. But it feels... so much like Nea and Mana to me?  They had to kill each other but we know they cared for each other. Nea and Adam hug so tight when they find back each other. The mirror Mana breaks to look for Nea. They are part of the same cradle, same twins, and they will be the end of each others. They are pieces of each other.  It’s seriously painful dkjhfd

Iron

Nea??? It seems so much.. righteous rage and trying to justify his own bad deeds for a war. 

Left in the darkness, Here on your own, Woke up a memory, Feeling the pain You cannot deny it, There's nothing to say It's all that you need to find the way Oh Damn, the war is coming! Oh Damn, you feel you want it! Oh Damn, just bring it on today! You can't live without the fire, It's the heat that makes you strong 'Cause you're born to live and fight it all the way You can hide what lies inside you, It's the only thing you know You're embracing that, never walk away Raised in this madness, you're on your own It made you fearless, nothing to lose Dreams are a drug here, they get in your way That's what you need to fight day by day (...) You need not to fear us, unless you're a dark heart a vile one, who preys on the innocent I promise, you can't hide forever in the empty darkness for we'll hunt you down, like the animals you are and pull you in the very bowels of hell

Like we know the “Keep walking” is something Nea used to tell Mana so I can see him trying to justify his own rebellion this way? “waking up a memory” like waking up a Noah memory, and he can feel that he’s born for this fight, that it’s his destiny to become the Earl. And him being determined in destroying the Noah fits on the last part?

Murder

Nea again,  I can totally see that as an anthem for killing the Noah?

I've been around these vicious lies too, Too long to be neglecting the truth I'm getting closer and I'm fully armed. I'm about to hunt you down through the big black hole right behind you And I'm about to cut your wings away 'Cause I've been finding out where you've broken in And I will take you out when I close you in I'm killing them all, I put my soul on the line I purify sins that I committed in life I'll follow them all and I'll be bringing them down Wherever they go i'm right behind There's nowhere to go, Your head on the line There is no rope, You're running out of time So where will you go When I will murder your soul? I'm about to do it your way, I will make your world unsafe(...) You don't believe what all the signs say, I don't believe in judgment day But you won't be leaving here unharmed

Nea has been part of the Noah enough to “been a part of those vicious lies”, he puts himself on the line, he’s killing them for being exactly like him.  And “i’m about to do it your way” is even better considering he wants to take the place of the Earl. And I love the “i don’t believe in judgement day” for a Noah meant to bring the end of the world

Lavi

Let Us Burn

Definitly a Lavi song to me.

The darkness has come to the roses, The fire is reaching the air The colors that I have created are suddenly flying away

The fire motif tand specifically it going up to the sky, i keep thinking about his innocence there. The colors fading away makes me think of how he reaced to Allen’s death specifically.

I'm not fighting myself, will not follow, 'Cause my choices are mine, it's my fate And I'll never bow down from the sorrow, I'll face all that is coming my way The lying, the devil, the silence, Embracing the world on the edge

He fights himself, litterally with the dreamworld, specifically because of a “devil” themed character, he’s a liar as well so it fits, he’s in a end-of-the-world scenario- he has a hard time dealing with grief and is trying to face it all on his own.

Then the chorus about letting himself burn, and begging later to be left to burn up reminds me of how Allen tried to stop him from burning himself up, and the second verse focusing on “searching no more for tomorrow” to focus on history fits to me. this is a Lavi song.

And We Run

*checks lyrics* ah. Lavi again.

It burns into your heart, the darkness that you fear You were never free, and you never realized And love, is a word you've never heard Your heart is cold cause it burns, the desire to leave the mind

yeah I see why it’s in my playlist

Faster

OOH Lavi but that’s litterally bc it talks about fire and lies and trying to figure out how to sort himself up? A lot like a peptalk for his own dreamworld fight?

.... also Laven’s lense

I can't see, cause it's burning deep inside. Like gasoline, a fire running wild. No more fear, cause I'm getting closer now. So unreal, but I like it anyhow. I go faster and faster And I can't hide from the feeling cause it's right. And I go faster and faster for love. And I can't live in a fairytale of lies. I can feel that you've mesmerized my heart. I feel so free. I'm alive, I'm breaking out. I won't give in, cause I'm proud of all my scars. And I can see I've been wasting too much time.

Empty Eyes

Lavi @ Junior in the Dreamworld. I just cannot... not see it and it kinda kills me?

Your determined by faith, You pretend to make up You lay out your case like the enemy But all that you got, Through dirty white lies You'll find the damn correct way, of blaming me for your crimes

Junior more determined by hos Bookman duty, but the way he forced it upon Lavi was a tool of the enemy, so Junior reminding Lavi of his duty was like the enemy actually.  “dirty white lies” fits all the way the Bookman lies a lot, specially since it’s lie to make the reality seems better for themselves. Meanwhile yeah considering Junior and Lavi are actually the same people, the fact Junior blamed “Lavi” for being different was a way to dissociate himself from it. From how /he/ is the one who started changing.

Won't you talk to me? Don't walk or run away I'm onto you, Yesterday with empty eyes I don't know where I'm going, In search for answers I don't know who I'm fighting, I stand with empty eyes You're like a ghost within me, Who's draining my life It's like my soul is see through, Right through my empty eyes

Even more explicit there. Junior is litterally a ghost inside Lavi, a false soul created from his “past self” memories. he’s “Yesterday with empty eyes”, “the soul is see through”, even more so because Dug used to call out Lavi for having empty eyes, which freaked him out. Dug mentions that Lavi doesn’t have empty eyes anymore years afterward, so Junior was litterally “a yesterday with empty eyes”, and Lavi facing back his Jr self is him facing back those empty eyes.  Meanwhile Lavi is looking for answers about the point of the Bookman, and he both doesn’t know who he’s fighting (himself?) while he’s currently fighting Allen and has no memories of it. 

I'm about to give in, got nowhere to go, Afraid of the sins I'm holding on There's no other way, no doubt in the end,  But I ain't got a thing to lose, nothing to defend

And this is Lavi giving in to Junior,  This song is a trip the moment i ended up associating it to them dkjfhd

Edge Of the World

Lavi with Laven’s lense.

The truth can't bare the sunlight, You're afraid for the day it does

> “you’re a dazzling light, you shine so bright i’m afraid you’ll fade in the light”? perf.

Hell when I told you so, I got burn, burn, burned again Heaven forbid that my heart is forsaken Hope in the end truth prevails

He earns fire as a God, but I believed in your heart And I'm leaving you, leaving you, leaving you now The truth can't bare the sunlight, And don't pretend to be my guide Heard you said you'd change it over, But I got burn, burn, burned instead Heaven can wait 'cause my soul is forsaken. Hope in the end truth prevails

Fire and Ice

oh this one is Lavi/Laven for angsty mood. Like “worst case scenario” for them lmao

Every word you're saying is a lie, Run away my dear But every sign will say your heart is dead Bury all the memories, Cover them with dirt Where's the love we once had Our destiny's unsure Why can't you see what we had, Let the fire burn the ice Where's the love we once had, Is it all a lie? (...) You hide away, to the other side of the universe where you're safe from all that hunts you down But the world has gone, where you belong And it feels too late so you're moving on Can you find your way back home?

Makes me think about Allen too a bit? Of running away at the other side of the universe, losing his path back home. idk it reminds me of Lavi’s “the only home a man need is his own heart” and how Allen is now longing for Home? It’s a weird song but it fits them too much to exclude it

Lost

Aa Lavi/Laven. It’s a weird one. again mostly about their fight? Like how Allen called for him and all? And their relationship now with Allen likely losing himself? 

My hope is on fire, My dreams are for sale I dance on a wire, I don't want to fail her I walk against the stream, Far from what I believe in I run towards towards the end, Trying not to give in She's lost in the darkness, fading away I'm still around here, Screaming her name She's haunting my dreamworld, Trying to survive My heart is frozen, I'm losing my mind Help me, I'm buried alive I'm burning the bridges, And there's no return I'm trying to reach her, I feel that she yearns (..) I tried to revive what's already drowned They think I'm a fool, Can't realise, Hope plays a wicked game with the mind 'Cause I thought that love would bind I cannot revive what's already drowned She won't come around

Okay it’s actually ALL over the place but all make me think Laven so it’s very hard to dissect it. The begining makes me think strongly about Lavi being lost in the dreamworld (dreams for sale, setting himself on fire). He is forced to think against his Bookman’s duty to be able to try to go against it. “Screaming her name” Allen is the one to scream Lavi’s name though while Lavi is being haunted by Allen in his dreamworld, breaking the moment Allen cannot survive the dreamworld. The fight result in his “heart being broken” and losing his mind. Jr ends up burning everything.  The last verse remnds me more of how badly Lavi handled Allen’s death? How he held on and had a lot of problems with it?

More Laven than character driven:

Firelight 

Oh my god it’s so Laven to me but i’m so biased but this is SO LAVEN TO ME.

I paid my dues all for truth, Can't leave it here forgotten Silence rules as blind as fools will never learn to break away Oh, why can't we rise again? When all the days go by a firelight, We'll never fade out in the night And we are estranged, we're drawn to the flame We are like fire to the rain Isn't it strange that love is in the way? It never goes away. I paid my dues all for truce, I'll leave it here forgotten Love will rule over truth, Will never learn to break away

I DonT KNOW but looking for truth??? Paying for it?? A Light that they can’t let fade away??? Not understanding why love is in the way?? GOD it fits.

My Indigo

LAVEEEEN. Laven. Goddamn Laven.

I call what we have indigo, unclear what we are or what we know (..) And though you never count the cost Of the innocence you've lost and what it meant You don't have to love me, There's one thing you should know My love will not unravel, It's unconditional, My indigo Even when the heart won't let me show, you don't have to say to let me know Ink burns on the page, blue to black, But words are fireproof, can't take back While the memory's alive, When there's pennies on our eyes, we'll never rest Can we take a second now to rain down the heavy storm that's in our chest

you can’t make a song about a heart not showing its emotions, unsure of what sort of love it is all about, and of ink disappearing to leave place to fireproof words to show how important the person became, and not have me scream laven

Lesson Learned

Laven. Okay there it’s specifically keywords so i’ll let the lyrics talk for themselves

I couldn't care less if the world's gone mad I couldn't care less, wouldn't turn my head The heart of the soul isn't touchable Hard to hold on to what's beautiful, There's no control,  When you talk about us, can you feel the fire in us? Do you ever miss? Would you ever miss? Through the darkness i swear, I can see your love in there You never miss, and i got a lesson learned, our love lives in a world of hurt I couldn't care less by the reasons why I couldn't care less if it's wrong or wise I wouldn't be here if it all made sense, Thought if i could only understand, it would hurt less Don't wanna lead a heartless life Don't wanna feel a numb inside Don't wanna lead a heartless life It's a lesson learned, it's a lesson learned Our love is in a world of hurt

All I need

Laveen 

Can you still see the heart of me? All my agony fades away When you hold me in your embrace Don't tear me down for all I need,  Make my heart a better place, Give me something I can believe Don't tear me down, You've opened the door now, don't let it close I'm here on the edge again, I wish I could let it go I know that I'm only one step away from turning it around I tried many times but nothing was real Make it fade away, don't break me down I want to believe that this is for real Save me from my fear, Don't tear me down

A little more vague but. jfc it kills me.

HONORABLE LAVEN MENTION

ie not enough material to talk in depth about them but fck me it exist

-Sinead, i think it’s in my playlist for Laven but the lyrics are too vague to be on the list per se dkjhfd -Utopia, a lovestory specifically about trying to save humanity, and having to kill the ideal of who they are ect... Searching for answers. Make me think of Laven again but it’s very vague -Out of the Darkness, Laven. a vague lovesog of a love that helps “leaving your ghost and hurt behind”, and specifically the person leading you out of the darkness by calling your name. Allen being a light that guide Lavi out of the darkness, and who called his name to get him out of the dreamworld.

Kanda/Yulma

What have you done

OOOH YULMA AT ITS WORST. Lovers in a curse, forced to feel about killing each other, seeking to be at peace in the end!

I know I'd better stop trying, You know that there's no denying I won't show mercy on you now I know, should stop believing, I know, there's no retrieving It's over now, what have you done? (..) Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to? Cause you have turned into my worst enemy You carry hate that I don't feel. It's over now, What have you done? (..) I will not fall, won't let it go, We will be free when it ends I, I've been waiting for someone like you, but now you are slipping away Why does fate make us suffer?  There's a curse between us, between me and you

The begining makes me think specifically about the begining of their fight, in fact the song seems like a progression through their whole fight: first them convincing each other they’re trying to kill each other, specifically the twisted part about asking to be killed, “Carry hate that i don’t feel” while Alma gets twisted by hatred - and the closer we get to the end the more you se them warry of fightings and that they just hope to be freed in the end of this, aware of the curse that makes them suffer as fates are cruel. All with th “What have you done?” that can be said to Alma killing everyone and at Kanda trying to kill Alma.

Somewhere

Kanda @ That person and in the end therefore, Yulma.

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign Instead there is only silence, Can't you hear my screams? Never stop hoping, Need to know where you are But one thing is for sure, You're always in my heart I'll find you somewhere, I'll keep on trying until my dying day I just need to know whatever has happened, The truth will free my soul Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home I want to embrace you and never let you go Almost hope you're in heaven, so no one can hurt your soul Living in agony cause I just do not know where you are Wherever you are, I won't stop searching, Whatever it takes, I need to know

I don’t... know how much to talk about it dkjhfd it’s litterally about looking for someone who is perhaps dead but is... such an important part of his life. That fits so well.

Star Crossed Lovers

Yulmaaaa, kinda the sad parts of their relationship again djkhfd

We're like lovers, but here we are again, Entangled in a dance that never ends This is karma, this is where our worlds collide, So for better, for worse Let's bite that magic bullet, Leave it all behind I need to feel the mercy of a star-crossed lovers' high Bite that magic bullet, Enjoy this crazy ride Only you can give me, A star-crossed lovers' high We are dancing where the wildflowers grow We're lost within a world that's so intense We go crazy, Time and time again, Spinning on a storm that never ends

Again kinda the world crumbling around them, an they wish it would be different but the world is too much, it brings them to madness. This makes me sad dkfhd

HONORABLE MENTIONS: 

-Dangerous Mind can fit Nea sorta? and Allen searching for answers? -Why Not Me?  kinda the Earl tbh? Considering his life a curse but something that he has to bear a bit?  -Pale, The Earl? Kinda this idea of just... repeating the same war, the same story through history? even though he’s so tired? -In Vain, still a hopeless war “nothing of the heart remains” that hurts, and the whole memory for the dead thing. Pretty vague but it fits the holy war a lot. -Mad World,  VEERY vague but Holy war in general + internal war conflict and the world crumbling, works for me. -Shot in the Dark, Allen lost in the war?  treated like a criminal, and feeling like losing himself. -A Demon’s fate, Allen @ Nea? Can’t elaborate but.. yeah? -Forgiven, a song of mourning for a father that had left before you? After you did everything to help them? And now trying to carry their memories? Mana&Allen com’on. -Our Farewell, Same reasoning, except Mana @ Allen, even more so since Mana is still alive so it doesn’t make it their farewell. In fact when i hear it i see keyword, from Allen calling Mana’s name and having his legacy in his hand? And the silence of the loss and the world tumbling down.... -Memories, Allen remembering Mana? -Deceiver of Fools would work so well for Lveille i’m kinda laughing?

And this is only for those i’ve pinpointed! bc there’s... so many stuff.... 

So if you made it through all of this CONGRATULATION you now know what happen in my head each time i make a playlist and why it is a mess kjdhfdkf

take care ;O

[namjoonsteeth]

Back To You- Day 4

Title: Back To You (mini-series) Day 4 of 7

Word-Count: 4.8k

Summary: Jay has been Eden’s weakness for far too long. As much as she tells herself she’s over him, all it takes is one call for her to drop everything and fly to Rome for a week to help him out. He wants a second chance, she just wants to stop being so foolish when it comes to him. They both have 7 days in Italy to figure it out.

I’m blindfolded while Jay holds my hands leading me in the right direction. It would feel like one of my sex dreams except I keep tripping and I can hear him laughing quietly behind me. When he’d asked for a day, I expected exploring the city again, seeing all the touristy stuff in the daylight. Instead, he’d told me to dress comfortably, blindfolded me, and here we are with me holding on to him for dear life while I walk aimlessly.

“Step up,” he instructs in my ear. I do as I’m told, lifting a foot and searching for a step. I guess he grows tired of me missing it because his arms wrap around my waist tightly and lift me up over the ledge. 

“We get it, you’re strong,” I say rolling my eyes even though he can’t see them. “One day, that smart mouth is going to get you in trouble,” his lips brush my ear softly as he whispers. His arms stay around me while I lean into his chest. Intimacy. I feel it. It’s still too much. This feels ‘flingy’, temporary, like maybe at the end of the week we’ll be done. Maybe that’s what we need. A few days to get enough of each other so we can go our own way. 

I turn my head. I can tell I catch him off guard because he freezes around me. I smirk at him. “What are you going to do about it? One day could be today,”

“You’re different,” he says quietly. 

I shrug. 

I can’t explain it either. It’s like I’ve been trying so hard to keep him at arm's length that after yesterday, I’m finally really ready to let him in again. I’m learning that when it comes to Jay it’s all or nothing. I can either be totally mad at him and want nothing to do with him, or I can be 100% on his side. I can’t do lukewarm when it comes to him.  

“I said I’d try right?”

He stays silent. Instead of speaking his grips on my hands tighten as he leads me further. Wherever we are is freezing. He senses my discomfort, his hands sliding up and down my arms. 

“Almost there,”

He spins my body and pushes my shoulders gently for me to sit. My butt hits the chair with a thud and I feel him sit across from me. 

“Can I take the blindfold off?”

He doesn’t answer, instead, his hands gently pull at the fabric covering my eyes. It takes me a few seconds to adjust to the light and a few more to realize that we’re on a plane. 

When Jay told me to grab my passport last minute, I figured we’d be doing some traveling. Not get on a plane kind of traveling. I can’t imagine where we’d need to take a plane to in Italy. Maybe we’re going to some hillside where they make wine and step on grapes. Maybe we’re going to pick out cheese or something. Whatever it has him really excited because he hasn’t stopped smiling at me. 

“Where are we going?”

His smile widens at my question. His shoulders lift and drop adorably. “I dunno,”

“You don’t know?” I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Nope,” he smiles. 

“I have a shoot tomorrow,”

“We’ll be back by tonight,”

I sigh. 

“Ok,”

“Ok?”

Nodding, I smile at him. “I trust you,”

I want to tell him that I don’t need all of this. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong. But I really don’t need him to go out of his way for me. All I really ask for is time. Time to get used to being around him again. Time to accept that I still really want him. But I don’t say anything because he’s clearly really excited for whatever he has planned. 

The plane ride takes a little more than an hour. We fill it with me trying to get our destination out of him. He doesn’t budge. He just looks at me with soft eyes. When I give up after about forty minutes, Jay switches seats so that he’s next to me. 

“I’m going to blindfold you again once we land,” he warns with a smirk. “I don’t think it’s necessary,”

He shrugs. “Probably not, but I like it when you hold on to me. It makes me feel like you trust me again,”

“I do trust you,”

“Do you?” He asks seriously. His hand squeezes mine gently. “Do you trust that I won’t ever do anything to hurt you again,”

“You can’t promise me that, Jay,”

“I can if it means losing you again,” he says softly. 

My heart thuds hard in my chest. I can’t help but hold on to him a little tighter. I want this so bad. I want him, in my corner, reminding me how much he wants me too. 

“Ok, I have to blindfold you again,” he pulls out a piece of fabric, the toothy smile from earlier back in place. 

I roll my eyes and stay still as he covers my eyes. 

“You also have to wear headphones,”

“Jay!”

“10 minutes max,” he says. “Listen to three songs and then I promise it’ll be worth it,”

I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me. Still, I wasn’t lying when I told him that I trusted him. That’s the issue. I trust him too much. He slips headphones over my ears and of course, it’s his voice that’s playing. His hands guide me up out of my seat and he helps me get off the plane without falling on my face. He pauses the music. 

“You have to get in the car so watch your step,”

The music plays again not giving me a chance to ask questions. His hand lays on my head helping me duck into the vehicle. He even stretches across my body to buckle me into the seat.

Even with my senses cut off, it’s too much of him around me. I’m covered in his smell, his touch, his skin brushing against mine. It’s making him thirty times more potent. 

We drive for what seems well over ten minutes before the car finally comes to a stop. I wait for Jay to take the headphones off before his hands go to the fabric that covers my eyes. 

“Before I take this off, I just want to say that we’re here one hundred percent because of you. This trip is all for you, Eden. Whatever you want to do just let me know. I have some stuff booked but if you want to do anything else-,”

“Jay, I’m impatient,”

“I know, baby,” he laughs before pulling the fabric off. It takes a few long seconds for my eyes to adjust to the light but when they do, they immediately fill with tears. 

“Shit, don’t cry, Eden,” Jay says pulling me into his side. 

“We’re in Paris,” I whisper looking at the iconic glass ceiling of the Louvre. 

“We’re in Paris,” he echoes looking down at me fondly. We both climb out the car. He lets me take in the fact that I’m actually in France. Its the one place I haven’t gone yet and it’s the one place I’ve been dying to get to. Everyone wants to go to Paris. In my company, all the jobs get snatched up so quickly I can barely blink before they’re off the sheet. 

Before I can control myself, I wrap my arms around Jay’s neck and press my lips against his cheek. He catches my body easily but is taken off guard by affection. 

“Are you happy?” He laughs. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jay? This is insane.”

I’m so excited that I’m bouncing on my toes and gripping his hand tightly. He follows behind me as I lead him toward the huge angular glass shape in front of the museum. 

I can’t believe he’s brought me all the way to France. I’m in Paris, damnit. My fingers slit through his, while I hold him tightly. I can’t think of one thing I ’ve ever wanted to do more than this. Of course, I could have saved and gotten here by myself, but ever since the promise he’d made me, it never felt right to go. 

“Thank you,” I tell him as we get in line. 

“I promised, didn’t I?”

I nod quietly trying to keep my excitement under control. The Louvre is everything I want it to be. There’s no other way to describe it. Walking through I’m so transfixed that I hardly mind that I’m not allowed to take photos in a large part of the museum. My camera hangs pretty much unused around my neck as I try to take in as much as possible. 

Jay moves with me quietly, asking questions but otherwise letting me see everything. At some point, he lets go if my hand and we walk with his chest presses against my back and arms wrapped around my shoulders. 

I wonder how we look. If anyone sees anything in the small things, like the way my hand comes up absentmindedly and smooths over his forearm or how he stays quiet when I linger in front of something particularly interesting and lets me marvel in peace.  

“The Mona Lisa is here,” I tell him. 

“Hmmm,” he hums. 

“So is the Venus de Milo, there’s also all kinds of paintings of like the Greek and Roman mythologies,”

He says nothing but makes that humming sound again. I turn my head so I can look up at him. “Are you bored?”

He shakes his head, smiling down at me. “You really like this stuff. I’m just happy that you finally get to see it,”

I can’t keep the goofy smile off my face. I feel dizzy like I’m drunk on art and Jay Park at the same time. Two years ago this would’ve been my dream come true, now I’m realizing that it still is a little bit. I can’t lie to myself. I can’t pretend that all this time that we’ve been separated, I wasn’t waiting for a miracle that forced us back together. That I wasn’t waiting for an excuse.  Because I was. I wanted all of it. I still do. Even more than before. There really are only two options for after this trip. Option one, somehow we make it work. Somehow despite how much time it’s been and how much tension I’ve held in my heart, we figure it out. Option two, none of this matters. None of the gentle touches, none of the sweet words, apologies from both of us, none of it will be enough to keep us going. 

“Eden, what’s wrong?”He pulls me out of my thoughts. His brows pull into a frown. 

“Nothing,” I tell him shaking my head. I surprise even myself when I press a quick kiss against his arm that’s across my shoulders. “Let’s keep going. I need to see everything,”

“Everything!” He teases with a wide smile while walking with me pressed tightly to his chest. 

I won’t think about the end of the week, at least not today. I’m here. I’m happy. Even happier that it’s with Jay. I’ll think grown-up responsible thoughts tomorrow. 

It takes us hours to get through. Bless his heart, Jay didn’t complain at all. He asked questions and listened while I or someone else explained about something we were looking at. 

When we make it out, he asks another couple if they could take a picture of us with the museum behind us and then we’re off. 

“What’s next?” I ask, excited for what he has planned.

“I’m going to feed you and then we’re going to the next thing,”

“I’m not hungry,” I pout, ready to see more of the city. 

Jay laughs and helps me into the car. He never lets my hand go and I never want him to. 

“You were five minutes away from complaining that you haven’t been fed. I can’t win with you,”

I laugh. 

“How long do we have?”

“Don’t stress about it, Eden. The whole day is yours to see Paris. We have time,”

We eat in a small cafe in the city. It’s so weird that I find myself marveling at all the things that I wouldn’t ordinarily find interest in. The tables are cute, the chairs, the little chocolate shop next to the cafe that Jay wordlessly takes me to after we eat. 

I smile up at him as he swings his arm over my shoulder, holding me tight against his side. 

“Get what you want,” he tells me. 

“I feel like you’ve been dying to tell a girl that all your life,” I tease him. 

He raises an eyebrow at me. “You want a limit on your chocolate spree?”

I leave him knowing he’ll follow. “I have my own money, you know? You don’t have to keep paying for everything,”

“Well how about when we’re both free, we can take another trip and it’ll be your treat,”

I know what he’s doing. Planning for the future to see where I’m at with all this. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be able to give him a clue one way or the other because I don’t know myself. 

“Do you think two pounds of chocolate covered strawberries would be doing too much?” I ask, changing the subject. 

“Do you want two pounds of strawberries?” He asks. 

“You know I’ll eat them? But is that like doing the most?”

His arm comes around my shoulder again laughing at my dilemma. “Do whatever you want, Eden. I’ll get you two pounds of the strawberries,” he says. “And whatever else you want,”

I don’t end up getting two pounds, only because I didn’t want to carry them around all day. I get one instead and refuse anymore else Jay tries to buy me. 

“What are we doing next?”

“Waiting for someone to pick us up,” he tells me. 

“An authentic Parisian experience, huh? Jaybeom you’re really going all out,”

“Have I ever told you how funny you are? Genuinely, you’re hilarious,”

We aren’t waiting long. The more time passes, the more I’m seeing just how well Jay planned everything. Our car picks us up near the cafe and shop and takes off without asking exactly where we’re headed. 

“Will we be back at the villa by tomorrow?” I ask him. 

His hand finds mine again. It’s so natural, easy like he’s been doing it for the last two years. I wonder if he ever feels the same hesitation when he touches me as I do. And I wonder if he feels it becoming easier and easier with each day that passes. I can never tell what he’s thinking. 

“We’ll be back by tonight. You have a shoot to do with hoody tomorrow, right?”

I nod a little disappointed that I can’t stay with him like this a little bit longer. Call me greedy, but I want more time pretending that things aren’t what they really are. I’m France, it’s me and Jay in love without much responsibility. I don’t want to go back to where other things can get in the way. 

The easiest solution, don’t let any of it get to us. It’s the only thing that makes sense really. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Even if by accident, my heart can’t suffer another blow; not from him. 

He squeezes my fingers, getting my attention again. “You’ll be tired, that’s ok, right? We can go back earlier, whenever you want,” he assures. 

I shake my head moving so that I’m in his space more. I’ve been feeling bolder today. The parts of me that just want things to be how they were so long ago, they’re aching to cling to him. I’m so close to giving in. So close to allowing myself to just forget about how I’ve felt for two years. It should matter that he hurt me. I should care about it all but...I don’t. 

The drive takes about twenty-five minutes through a bit of traffic. I’m so distracted by Jay that I’m not paying attention to anything else. I can’t take my eyes off of him. 

“I saw some of the final edits that you did,” he tells me. His thumb rubs against the back of my hand absentmindedly. 

“Yeah?”

“They were good,” he says while looking proud. “Really good. I didn’t forget how talented you are. But I forgot that it’s all so effortless for you,”

“It’s not effortless,” I tell him. 

“It seems like it. I miss looking at your stuff,” something in his eyes soften as he stares back at me. “I really just fucking miss you in general,”

“We’d miss each other even if we were together, Jay. We live on opposite sides of the world,”

He shakes his head. “It’s different. I couldn’t hear your voice when I wanted. I haven’t made you smile in years. I think about you every day, Eden. What you’re doing and if you’re thinking about me too,”

His fingers twist around mine as he catches my eyes. “Mostly, I thought about how I can get you back,”

I sigh looking out the window as we pass by tourist taking pictures and Parisians trying to live their life. 

“You told me you wanted to run away to Paris,” 

Jay continues to talk. I think he knows that I’m struggling to find something to say. As much as I rack my head and my heart, I can’t think of anything to give him. I don’t know how to be in the middle with him. So instead of giving him half the truth, I keep how much I still need him tampered down for now. Besides confessing that nothing’s changed that I still feel the way I felt back then, there’s nothing for me to say really. I also doubt he wants to hear anything other than that either. I’m doing us both a solid by keeping quiet. 

“I wanted you to see everything you wanted so badly, Eden. Even back then I was trying to figure out when I could work a trip to France into our tour schedule,”

“You didn’t have to do this Jay,” I tell him for what seems like the hundredth time. 

He ignores me and probably rolls his eyes too. His fingers squeeze mine again but he says nothing. I wonder what he’s thinking. If he has any plans to give up. If there’s a limit to how many times I can push him away. I’m starting to hope that he never listens; that he always tries to change my mind. 

There’s no hiding the Palace of Versailles.  He wouldn’t be able to surprise me any way he tried. There’s something about even the area that said that we were somewhere important. I knew before we even pulled in front of the palace itself. 

I feel my smile spread back in place. I’m so happy. I’m so fucking happy I could cry. I feel Jay’s eyes back on me and I can’t help but wrap my arm around his as we get out of the car. 

“You’re fucking ridiculous,” I whisper. 

“Come, we have to meet our tour guide in like five minutes. We’re running a little behind,”

He leads me across the vast property toward the entrance of the palace. I’m so excited I can barely take everything in let alone take a decent picture. Jay has to drag me away from the fountain, promising to stop by on our way out. 

His arm slings over my neck as we maneuver through the crowd of people waiting. I look up at Jay.

“Aren’t we going to get in line?”

He shakes his head and points to the stocky guy in the corner. “Private tour, baby,”

“I’m paying you back,” I tell him rolling my eyes. 

“You’re hilarious,” he stops walking, giving me all of his attention. “You want to pay me back, tell me you’re really fucking happy again and that’ll be enough,”

“Really? That’s all you want?”

He nods and we walk again toward our guide. 

“Jay and Eden, right?”

Jay nods pulling me close to his side. 

“Great! Let’s begin with a little history of the palace and architecture,”

Jay’s bored for a good portion of the tour. His alternates leaning against me, his chin pressed into my shoulder and pulling me so that my back rests against his chest. At some point, I reach over to intertwine my fingers with his just because. I like that I can. I like that I want to. 

We walk closer together than even at the museum; always touching, always in contact. We go through the palace with me asking questions and pointing out things that particularly sparks my interest. The tour guide lets me know we can take as much time as we want in any of the areas. There’s so much to see and take in because every bit of the palace is art. The floors, the ceilings, the lighting, it’s all so grand that I can’t even begin to put it all into words. It’s amazing. 

When the tour is over, hours have passed. I felt bad a while ago so I suggested we wrap it up but jay kept insisting on seeing more. By the time our car picks us up it’s just before five. I feel like we’ve been everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

I’m still so happy I feel like I could burst. This is the trip I’ve always wanted. And Jay made it happen. I’m sure eventually I would’ve gotten to see Paris but this is different. This is with Jay. 

When the car stops I know exactly where we are. We get out and Jay looks around, confused. I smile up at him already knowing what’s wrong. “Are we at the right place?” He frowns to himself cutely. “Pont des Arts Bridge, right? Where the locks are supposed to be,”

“They removed the locks years ago, Jay,” I can’t help but smile up at him. He looks so dejected staring at the clear glass where the metal used to be. 

Still, it’s a beautiful view. The expanse of water flowing below us while other tourists lean against the bridge to take pictures. It’s so pretty I can’t even begin to miss the locks. The atmosphere is still quite romantic, especially with Jay. 

“This is supposed to be the most romantic place in the world,” he pouts. “It is romantic,” I say looking around us. With my hand in his, I lean into him and squeeze his fingers in mine tightly. I watch as he digs into his pocket a pulls out a tiny metal lock and a sharpie.  

“What do I do with this then?”

I shrug letting his hand go so I can lean over the rail of the bridge. I don’t know how he did it but he managed to pick the nicest day of the week to come out. It’s not too hot or not too windy. It’s also not as crowded as a weekend would be. 

“Keep it,” I say. “We can find another place for it,”

Jay tucks the metal back in his pocket, still looking dejected and disappointed. Seeing how much work he’d put into this trip just for me, I’m grateful. Grateful and so so happy. 

I take a couple steps closer to him, smiling shyly when he looks at me. I pull at his arm so I could wrap my fingers around his. Immediately, his fingers slide around mine, gripping mine tightly. 

“I’m happy,” I tell him. “It was a really good day and I’m super happy,”

“Enough to let me kiss you?” He says jokingly. 

It takes us both off-guard when I lean in. 

I kiss him. 

I don’t really make the decision. Something in my body takes over as I move my lips toward his. 

I reach up wrapping my arms around his neck, drawing him close. His own arms circle my waist holding my body against him. 

His lips feel like I never forgot them. His tongue feels like crashing, falling, and flying all at once. I don’t remember the last time a kiss made me want to just take all my clothes off. 

That’s a lie. 

I remember him at my apartment door, drunk, and begging me to let him in. And when I finally do open the door to keep him from waking up my neighbors, his mouth touched mine so swiftly it felt like my whole world tilted. That kiss made me want to take my clothes off too. And we did, fucking against my door at three o’clock in the morning because it felt like we’d combust if we didn’t. Only two hours later I was throwing him and his cell phone that wouldn’t stop ringing out of my place. 

Even thinking about all that doesn’t stop me from pulling at the ends of his hair and trying to get close to him. He pulls away first, breathless, chest heaving against mine. 

“You kissed me,” he says smiling. 

“Did I?”

“I’m like 80% certain you did. Are you ok? Are you sick?,” he frowns. I reach up and use my thumb to smooth away his wrinkles. 

“I couldn’t help it,” I whisper. 

I feel shy. Like for some reason even though I know his mouth like my own, it’s all new. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me. Maybe it’s because we’re in fucking Paris. Maybe it’s because I can’t think of any other place in the world I want to be than with him and that seems... almost impossible. 

I lean up and kiss him again, because I can. His arms hold me tight against his chest. When I pull away, he follows me peppering the side of my lips with quick kisses. I laugh turning my head to move out of reach. 

“Well, that took less time than what I was expecting,” he jokes moving my hair out of my face. 

“You brought me to Paris just to kiss me?”

He shakes his head. “I brought you to Paris because it’s the one place in the world you wanted to go. And selfishly, I wanted to be the first one to bring you here,”

I believe him. 

That’s my first problem with Jay. I believe him too easily. I take what he says without question. It’s been like that since the beginning. All it took was one time for me to be wrong. 

When you’re willing to bet your life on the way someone feels about you, and then it all turns out to be wrong...it breaks you. It broke me. Letting him back in, so easily, so quickly because I what? I believe the look in his eyes? The words that come out of his mouth? 

I pull away from him suddenly embarrassed. His hands on my waist don’t let me get too far, though. His dark brows pull in as looks at me worried. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I feel kind of,” I shrug trying to think of what exactly to say. “Foolish,”

Jay blinks at me, his hands holding me tighter. 

“You feel foolish? For kissing me?”

I shake my head. “Not for kissing you. For being so easy,”

Jay scoffs, rolling his eyes at me. His hands drop from my body and he pushes them through his hair. 

“Easy? It’s been two damn years Eden. I’ve been in love with you, watching you date, and live your life, and be ok without me. None of this has been easy,”

I touch his arm softly pulling his attention back on me. “Don’t get mad. I’m just being honest with you,”

My lips twist as I think about how to get him to stop looking at me like I’m constantly breaking his heart. Smiling, I lean against him, pressing my chin to the center of his chest while I look up at him. 

He stares at me, his frown still not softening. I purse my lips in a pout. “Kiss me,”

His face softens and his eyes roll his arms come back up around my waist. He presses his lips against my pout. “I’m scared you’ll run from me when we get back,”

“I’m right here,” I reassure him. 

He’s quiet for a while. A hand reaches up and his thumb runs across my bottom lip. I wish I could know what he’s thinking, but right now I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. I’m in Paris with someone I’ve wanted to be in this spot with for a really long time. 

“Are you?” He asks finally. “Through tonight, through the rest of the trip, after the trip? Are you with me?”

I could tell him yes that I’m a hundred and ten percent down to try whatever it means to date Jay Park from halfway across the world. I could also tell him no, that I’m so scared to hit the ground that I can’t imagine walking on eggshells for the duration of our relationship. Instead I tell him the truth and hope that he gets it. 

“I’m scared that I like you too much to make a rational responsible decision. I also know that I like you too much to let you go again,”

Jay’s arms tighten around me, his cheek presses against the top of my head. We stand like this for a little longer watching as people pass us by. On this bridge that used to be filled with locks and people promising each other forever, I’m wondering how many of them are just like us; on the verge of maybes.

[suddenlysingle23]

PS - at the end

Taken from my facebook on 1/17/19

I haven’t shared my feelings here for a while. But, someone recently asked me why. The reason was stupid. I didn’t want to offend anyone. With the truth of my feelings. And that’s just dumb. This isn’t going to be the most eloquent of updates, but it’s how I’m feeling.... and my healing has been feeling stuck...so maybe it’s time to write again.

Sometimes it is still really hard. Some days are super great. Bittersweet was my word for my life but as of late surreal is becoming my word. I ran into a fellow suicide widow today at work. She’s further along in her journey and she **got the word surreal - she understood me.

Most people don’t understand the complexities that exist when your spouse kills themself unless they are living that reality as well. If you have kids or not it doesn’t matter. (I’ll get to them in a moment.) Being the significant other of someone that killed themself brings along with it a whole host of people that like to pass judgement upon you. I mean, what kind of partner is so bad their other half chooses death over life, right? “How could he do that to you?” “Didn’t he love you?” “Aren’t you better off without someone that unstable?” “If you were my spouse I’d have killed myself too.”

Remember, I haven’t shared because I don’t want to offend with my truth.

But, I’ve met others walking this suicide widow path- and the similarities are striking. (Please note, I use widow if you’re married or not. Any long term relationship that ends suddenly in this manner creates a widowed heart.) So, maybe this will encourage them, or anyone, to speak out against ridiculous statements and judgements others make.

I have an online support group for women that have lost their partner to suicide- if you’d like the link please let me know. It’s called Suddenly Single. Because that’s what happened. This life you thought you were working toward - WHATEVER that looked like for the two of you- is suddenly ripped away without warning.

I’m at almost 4 months since B made his decision to end his life. There are a few that give the impression I should be “over it”. There are those few that give the impression my pain should still be as raw as the night it happened. Most are somewhere in the middle- as am I. And that shifts from day to day.

I’m still fighting paperwork battles. They are manageable though. I have people to remind me to take it one step at a time... and to use my voice as needed when needed. I still get shocking surprises out of nowhere that feel like a sucker punch out of nowhere. I knew his life insurance wouldn’t pay for a myriad of reasons. I had to file the claim anyway for a myriad of reasons. The official letter to deny the claim came and I expected that to happen. I didn’t expect the graphic details the claim included. I didn’t expect them to copy and paste the wording from the death certificate. I don’t know if all death certificates are so .... specific. But his was. His was literally “knock me to the ground” the first time I read it mere days after his funeral service. And then I read it again. And again. And again. And again. Until the words became just words that wouldn’t have so much power over me. It was then I noticed his middle name was wrong on the document. I called to speak to someone about getting it fixed. BUT that portion is a “non-correctable” portion. And they told me it didn’t really matter. I am still not entirely sure how one’s middle name can be wrong on their death certificate and it doesn’t matter. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. She probably thought I was insane. But, she’s right, you know. It doesn’t matter. The lives of those left behind are still turned upside down no matter what middle name is on that piece of paper.

I struggle with God sometimes. Oh, I don’t doubt God. I know Jesus loves me fiercely. I struggle with the things people say to make you feel better. Stuff like it was God’s plan (nope - not at all- he detoured way off of God’s plan). Or, God needed an angel (nope- God made plenty of them already). Or, at least you know God welcomed his faithful servant home at the end of the good fight and he finished his race and told him how well he did and every combo of scripture verse you can smush together (nope- he didn’t finish his race- he ended it part way through. He did terrible) I don’t doubt Heaven. I don’t doubt Jesus. I don’t doubt the pain is gone. From him. But the pain has been pushed onto everyone else.

I break when my kids hurt. Watching them get knocked into by a wave of grief hurts so badly. I’d do anything to take that pain away. I can’t imagine being the reason they are in so much pain. K wants to know why if Heaven is such a great place - what is the point of life. He’s a kid and his whole faith journey is upside down. He has questions that are hard to answer. I am hoping the professional he will be seeing will help him process his anger. He struggles with being so mad at his dad and he doesn’t want to share that with me sometimes. C asked me if I’d join match dot com because he doesn’t want to go his whole life “without someone else that’s a grown up living in the house”. I told him no. He reasoned with me that he promised he knew they wouldn’t be his daddy, but they’d probably be really nice and I’d have someone to hold my hand again. We hugged and he cried and I told him not to worry about me. So, that’s what is left behind. Pain. Sadness. Hurting. Questions. I’m not sure when that all goes away. Especially for them.

BUT I know it will get easier to manage those emotions.

I look back at the raw feelings that happened in the immediate. And realize we aren’t so raw right now. There are scabs protecting the wounds. The bruises are fading. You can tell it will scar and always be there... but it’s more healed than before. That’s the miracle I think.

PS- to the person that said if I was their spouse they’d have killed themself too- FUCK YOU.

[katiebug445]

Katie says goodbye to the Supernatural cons.

Alright, so, I’ve been putting off writing this post for a couple days, because exhaustion hit me like a freight train and I’ve been feeling icky and sickly for awhile, so bleh. But okay. Time to get emo on main. 

So about five years ago, around this time of year, actually, i finally got the chance to go to my first ever convention. me and some friends at the time were all planning on going to the Salute to Supernatural convention in Minneapolis, Minnesota in August of 2015. I was so excited to finally get to do this, because I’d been wanting to go to a con since 2011. This was my chance to finally go, and see Richard Speight Jr, and make a dumb dream that kept me alive for a long time come true. And it was, without a doubt, the most magical, and important experience of my life to date. 

Around this time, I was beginning to come up in the fandom. i had a really good following, my fics were getting a lot of attention, i was in with a group that was insanely popular, and life was actually really good. The show was the most important thing in my life, and i had countdowns going until it came back on in the fall. i was in very deep in the fandom, and it was my main source of happiness, so going to this con was going to be fucking HUGE for me.

^^ freshly turned 20 year old Katie out there living the best life she could at the time. she was trying her best. 

So we get to Minneapolis on that Thursday, and we’re walking around, and it hadn’t exactly sunk in yet that I was there. Like, I knew I was going, and I knew what was all going to happen, but I hadn’t been like “oh god this is happening” as of then. 

I remember the moment that it did sink in, though. We were sitting in our seats, Richard and Rob were up on stage doing the rules and regulations, and I kind of came back into my body and realized that i was shaking a LOT, and i just remember looking around the auditorium, and then back up to the stage, and hearing Richard’s voice. I thought to myself “You did it. You made it here. You stayed alive for this moment right here. You fucking did it.” and that’s when everything sunk in completely for me. 

i remember crying a lot after that. 

The con was everything I imagined it would be. I laughed a TON, i got to spend time with some - at the time - really good friends, and I was very swept up in the magic of the whole weekend, and I never wanted that feeling to go away. 

Then on Sunday, I got to meet Richard in person. 

I won’t go into details, and I’ll spare the sob story that lead up to all of it, but I will summarize and say that Sunday at Minncon 2015 remains one of the most important days of my entire life. there was so much personal feelings wrapped up in all of that, and I still have no clue how i managed not to break down crying as soon as i saw him. 

I love that man more than just about anything else, even to this day. richard is still a driving force to me to keep on going with life no matte what happens, and i owe him so much for that. 

anyways, i loved the con. I loved the show, the cast, the whole experience. I walked away from that with some of the best memories that i will keep with me forever. I’ve said this a thousand times before over the last several years, but Richard Speight makes those conventions an incredible experience. The effort he puts into them, the way he treats his fans, all of it makes the cons so special for me. I thank him so much for being such a wonderful person, and making me want to go back again and again and again. 

And i wanted so badly to do just that. I wanted to see Richard again. I wanted to do the cons, and hang out with friends more, and just do the whole fucking thing. Because that was peak happiness for me. it still is, in some ways. 

Between the ending of 2015 and the beginning of 2017, i had a bad falling out with the people i went to Minncon with. i lost a lot of my popularity, i backed way off of all of the corners of the fandom that I’d made a name for myself in, and i kept my head down. I did and said some really stupid stuff that I’m not exactly proud of, and I paid the price for it. As a result, i started backing off. 

But I still loved Richard, and i wanted to see him again. 

So I saved. And saved. And saved even more. And in February of 2017, I got the chance to do it all again. I got to meet and hang out with a BUNCH of friends on that trip, and I got to spend a lot of time with two people who have become so important to me, and who I love dearly. 

i owe that to Nashville. 

^^ 21 year old Katie, had experienced a lot of bullshit and was living a her goodest life, but not her best. Still trying to get through some shit and attempting to grab life by the balls once more. 

Nashville was... an experience.

the company that puts on the cons ended up doing a mega price raise, and everything went up by a lot of dollars (i’m too tired to math now, but it was a fucking LOT of money and even more stress by the time i got to buy tickets). I was really mad about it, and decided that nashville would be my second and last con. 

i decided to go ahead and go all out with it since nobody would ever see me again. 

I got to see richard right out of the gate again on that Friday, and actually got the chance to talk to him for a moment (i use that term very loosely, seeing as my “talking” is just me stuttering out two or three words and running away)  and by some fucking miracle, richard actually fucking remembered my dumb face, and that made my entire life up to that point worth living (still kinda does tbh). I hurried out of the autograph line with my buddies, found the nearest chair i could plop down into where he wouldn’t see me, and i cried. i cried real ass tears (thanks for putting up with me, that day, christy!)

I actually got called up to do karaoke this time with one of my absolute best friends and favorite people, and we fucking rocked it. for four minutes, we were rockstars and it was fucking great. we got to act like idiots and get yelled at by Matt Cohen (KAZOO KREW FOR LIFE!) and ugh. it was just incredible.

Saturday was good. tt’s kind of a blur of ups and downs and photo ops, but overall, it was a good day. Same with Sunday. I know a lot more tears were shed by a lot of people in our group. And christy and brandi screamed at misha collins. That was fucking hilarious. 

Nashville was a fucking great con, and despite all the crap that happened during and after, i wouldn’t trade it or change a single thing about it. I loved that con, and the people i got to go to it with. we all had an incredible time. 

And part of me still, despite everything i told myself, wanted to go again. 

Between February and May of 2017, i underwent a huge change in my life: I somehow got talked into watching anime with a - at the time - good friend of mine, and realized “wow. this is actually a lot better than what spn has done for a long time.” and it kinda pissed me off because WOW THIS IS WHAT SHOWS COULD BE LIKE WITH WELL WRITTEN FEMALE CHARACTERS THAT DON’T DIE!!!!! (thank you, fma for helping me see that light!). i was mad, but i was still devoted to spn, and yadda yadda yadda. 

in May of 2017, i watched the finale of season 12 at my friend Cas’s place, and the finale left such a bad taste in my mouth, that i decided that was it. i was angry, i was hurt, i was completely done. i stepped completely out of the fandom, i muted all the fan accounts i followed on twitter, i spent that whole summer getting farther into the weeb side of life, and farther away from my spn roots. 

and i’ve never fucking regretted it since. 

I started looking into conventions for anime around my hometown, and ended up finding one that looked fun. And Ohayo was a fucking BLAST - but that’s a post that’s been sitting in my drafts since january that i haven’t written up yet. I’ll finish writing that eventually...

but i was so done with spn by that point that i wasn’t even upset that nashville was the last con for me. 

I had started getting back into the fandom during s13, started writing fic again, and THEY ACTUALLY BROUGHT MY HONEYBEAR SON, MY PRIDE AND JOY, MY EVERYTHING, MY FUCKING WAFFLE CHILD BACK AND EVERYTHING WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS BACK. I WAS LIVING MY BEST FUCKING LIFE. 

and then... then they took him away from me again. for nothing more than shock value. 

and then i said nope fuck this im out im done fuck you all i’m going full ass weeb. FUCK IT ALL. i doubled down on my belief that i was doing no more cons, no more anything. 

And then the fuckers announced that there would be a convention in cleveland, OH. Which I had been single-handedly campaigning for a con here for YEARS. When I finally get out of the fandom, they give us one. Absolute bastards! 

So, with a defeated sigh, i decided “one more. one more and then it’s over for real.” 

besides, i really, really, really, REALLY wanted to see richard again. 

So i decided, why not get the remaining members of the gang back together, and go out with a fucking blast? that kinda worked. i got one member of the gang to come with me, and the other was there in spirit. 

Richard cancelled about a week and a half before, which meant that my main reason for going was gone. and then misha cancelled until sunday, which meant my other reason for going was gone. but i still wanted to go and say goodbye to the cons and what little bit of the cast was there.

so we get there on friday, knowing full well friday is the only day we’re going, we didn’t buy tickets, we didn’t do anything to give creation our money, and we went in AOT cosplay because we’re cringy cool like that. and it was... surprisingly freeing.

^^ 23 year old Katie, who at this point has seen so much shit it doesn’t phase her anymore. Living an even better life than 2015!Katie. much more confident in herself, and a lot happier in general. Still trying her best. 

the con itself was a shitshow. it was an absolute shitshow. but i had every bit as much fun hanging in the lobby with my friend as i did actually doing the panels and stuff. i knew this was my goodbye, and having the con be so higuhgieh actually made it a little easier to say goodbye to it. karaoke was a fucking blast, and i shouted and danced the entire night, and my poor voice suffered. 

you’d think i just saw my best friend get eaten by a titan right in front of my eyes by how gone my voice was by the end of the night. -cough-

on the way back to the hotel is when it hit me that it was officially over. i cried the whole 20 minute drive back, knowing that this was the final time i’d ever see any of it. my last karaoke. my last chance to see everyone. my last spn con.  it was so bittersweet, because i had such a blast, but it was done. it was all done.

and i didn’t even get to say bye to the man that i owe everything to. that’s what hurt the most about the whole thing. 

i wouldn’t trade the cons for anything. i spent some of the best (and worst) years of my life doing them. the experiences and memories i have from these conventions are ones i wouldn’t give up, even if i could spare myself some heartache or stress. i am so grateful for these opportunities to meet these incredibly talented people, and get to see my friends there, and just have the time of my life. there isn’t one thing about any of those cons that i regret. 

i am so sad to be giving them up, but i know it’s for the best. the prices keep going up, and it would take even longer to afford them, and i just can’t keep doing it to myself. the stress is crazy enough as it is, and there’s a lot i’ve missed out on trying to afford these things. 

Not only that, but I’ve grown and evolved so much from that 19 year old doing everything she could to save back for her first con - and out of state trip. i’m not anywhere near who i was back then. i’ve gained much more confidence in myself, i’ve gained much more self worth, learned to control my anxiety/depression, and learned what i will and will not put up with from people. i’m a MUCH happier person than i was back then, and i’ve gained a lot of life experience and a lot of new interests over the last few years. so much has happened so fast, and almost everything has turned on its head. 

but one thing that hasn’t changed for me is my love for Richard Speight Jr. I have said it in this post alone several fucking times, but i adore Richard. He is without a doubt one of the funniest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he makes these cons so special for a lot of people - myself included. he’s the reason I kept wanting to go back, the reason that i kept pushing through the bad times, he’s been my reason to “Always Keep Fighting”. I am so blessed to have so many memories with him, and they’re the ones i talk about more than anything when talking about the cons. He will always have a huge and special place in my heart, and he will still continue being one of the big reasons why I keep pushing, and keep going, even when i don’t want to. he has absolutely no idea how important him just existing has been for this dumbass, and i really wish that he did. i hope that he knows the impact he’s had on my life, and that he’s always been my favorite since the trickster first announced that he had more ass than a toilet seat. richard has been one of the biggest inspirations to me for the last 6 years, and i literally owe the man my life. i’m so happy that he exists. it makes things a little easier knowing that he does. 

I’m going to miss him so much that it hurts, and I hate that I didn’t get to see him or get to hug him one more time. that’s the hardest part for me about saying goodbye to the cons. 

it’s so bittersweet going forward now, because there’s this huge part of my life that’s over, and i don’t know how to fully express all of it, but im so glad that i got to be on the ride as long as i did. 

hopefully in the future, things will continue to be as fun as the last four and a half years have been. i can’t wait to see what future conventions hold for me and my friends. 

[hurryupharry]

A Christmas Miracle

Masterlist

Hello my lovelies! It’s been a long while but I finally sat myself down to write something. I hope you guys like it and hopefully I haven’t gotten too shabby after my long break. Do let me know what you guys think, and send me some prompts or requests! 

Summary: Harry can’t be home for Christmas.

       "It's not that big of a deal to me, H. Don't even worry about it lovely," She mumbles, her mobile phone wedged between her right shoulder and her ear as she stirs up another pot of oatmeal on that cloudy Saturday morning.

"I feel terrible about it love," He sighs, clearly disheartened at the mere thought of it. "I wish I could do something about it.. but you know how it is."

She knows, of course she does. She knows that even at a time like this, building his career mattered far too much that everything else in his life had to take the backseat. Including her. And so, she wasn't at all surprised when he called her up all the way from Los Angeles, two days before he was supposed to be home for the holidays, telling her that he was overbooked for all these goddamn telly shows and appearances during the Christmas weekend and wouldn't make it back before the 27th. 

"Actually, why don't you come over to LA? I'll get your flight arranged--" She stops him before he could get any further with his absurd suggestion. Christmas in the States when she was lucky enough to have been able to spend quality time with her family that she didn't see nearly as much as she wanted to? She was almost certain that her boyfriend had gone insane from touring. "You've gone insane, H. I can't do that and you know it. I'm just worried about your mum.. Really H? Leaving her alone when you know full well what's happened this year has taken the biggest toll on her?"

"She has Gem and Michal with her, she'll be alright sweets," He attempts to reason with her, but she's quick to dismiss his words. "Harry. We both know that's not enough. You're her son, for Christ's sake! Have you even told her? Or Gem?" 

There's nothing but radio static on the line before he heaves what could possibly be the biggest sigh she's ever heard, and she could almost see him slumped against his desk in his Hollywood home, defeated and on the brink of giving up. "I haven't, love. I don't know how to-- How could I? Tell m' mum that I chose my work over family?"

"Harry, I wish I could tell you that you made the right choice, but you and I both know that you didn't, and you're gonna have to stick it out alone. I can't bear to see you run everything else you love to the ground while you're out doing what you do best. I love you so much, H, but it really is time for you to start making your own decisions. You have a voice, please, for once, just use it for the person who loves you most," She pleads, reaching to turn the gas off as she makes her way to the kitchen counter, resting on her forearms with her head bowed. "I'll see you on the 27th. Talk soon."

Harry knew he fucked up. He was a family man, and everyone knew that. He's never missed spending the holidays at home, no matter how busy his schedule got. And now, the fact that he couldn't be home with his loved ones when they needed him most, completely destroyed him. He knew Y/N was mad too, even if she seemed calm and collected. He knew she had too much frustration building within her from all the empty promises he made her that she could snap at any moment. She was his girl, and here he was letting her down time and time again. If the roles had been reversed, he wasn't sure if he would even still be with her. 

christmas eve

        Y/N hadn't heard from Harry in three days. They'd given each other the silent treatment before, but it only lasted a few hours. Coupled with the fact that they'd been apart for almost a month and wouldn't be together on Christmas day, which Harry knew was one of her favourite holidays of the year, it only hurt more.

"I'm sorry Anne, I really tried," She apologised profusely to Anne, sat on their living room floor with a mug of eggnog between their feet. 

"Tried what, my dear?" 

"Harry-- Didn't he tell you?" 

"What does the bugger have to say to me this time?"

"Oh, dear," Y/N mumbled, quickly taking a sip from her snowman mug that Harry bought her a few Christmases ago. "I really thought he would've had the decency to tell you himself sooner than now." 

"My love, you're scaring me! What is it?" Anne chuckles, her lips breaking into a nervous smile. "Let me guess-- you're pregnant! Oh my dear girl, you're making me a grandmother?"

Y/N's quick to deny anything of the sort, her hands reaching for Anne's in a fit of laughter. "No, no! We'd need a Christmas miracle for that, I'm afraid. H is definitely far from being a father right now."

"Oh thank God," She laughs, leaning back against the edge of the sofa. "So, what is it?"

Y/N ponders over it for a bit. She knew he would do it at his own time and sure as hell wouldn't want her to do it on his behalf. He was a good son, through and through, even with slip-ups like these. She just had to give him his space.

"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm sure he'll let you know when he's ready." 

christmas day: 12.41am

        The dial tone rang for three counts. She chewed on the inside of her left cheek, watching as the snow fell gently under the dim yellow flicker of the lamps in their backyard. She knew it was still Christmas Eve where he was, but she wanted to be the first to wish him a Merry Christmas. 

"Hey, sweets," His voice lulled in her ear, and she was certain that it was one of the most beautiful sounds she would ever hear. 

"Hi love. How've you been?"

"Cold, to say the least."

"Isn't it 80 degrees in California? Not so much of a white Christmas, I've heard," She rolled her eyes, knowing only Harry would be wearing his ugly Christmas jumper in the Summer-reminiscent weather. 

"I like to put the air-conditioning on full-blast, thank you very much," He chuckles, toying with the car keys with gloved hands, almost shivering from the gust of wind that just blew past him. The click of the keys indicating that the car was locked sounded, and he quickly bolted towards the front door.

"Harry Styles not taking full advantage of the warm weather before he has to be engulfed by the disgustingly low temperatures back home? What a sin!" She's mid-laugh before she hears the loud jingle of keys from the other side of the room. 

"Harry?"

"I'm still here love," He lets out a breathy response, quickly shoving the key into its lock. *Perfect.*

"There's someone at the door, call 911 if I start to scream, please." 

Before she could say anything more, the front door creaks open and she's standing there in the middle of their hall in his old Nike sweater and some woolly socks he sent her from Japan. She looked like an angel, illuminated by nothing but the soft glow of the fireplace crackling next to her. 

“Merry Christmas, my love.”

Her mobile phone falls to the carpet, and she's quick to run over to him, wrapping her arms around his torso and pressing her cheek to his chest, just close enough that she could hear the calm beating of his heart. 

And suddenly, she lets out a scream-- one of joy, relief, satisfaction-- he's standing right there with her on their doorstep, the snowflakes on his coat melting away onto his skin as he's drowning in her warmth. His hands reach for her face, red from excitement, and he presses a long kiss onto her cherry lips.

"D'you still want me to call 911 for you, love?" He jokes, his fingers reaching to brush through her tangled strands of hair. "You taste like cinnamon, by the way. The whole house smells like it too."

"Might've made some cinnamon rolls," She giggles like she's in school and her crush's just gone and declared that he's in love with her to all their six-year-old classmates all over again. 

"Well, if you'd just let me get out of the cold, maybe I could steal one and proceed to compliment my girl's phenomenal baking skills," He backs her up into the living room, closing the door shut behind them. "That's only if you didn't burn them first."