#well I guess not necessarily vent

[chaoticgouda]

[bi-demon-ium]

just a vent dont mind me

thinking about like. you know like. when you do a lot for someone you love, or just in general, like, you put in a lot of effort into something, into helping someone or making them happy, and like. you do it because you love them, or because you care about them, or just because you want to help, or because it's right, or because you just like making people happy. and that's great, that's fine, like. you really aren't doing it for something. like you don't expect anything back. they certainly don't owe you anything, they didn't ask for it, and you wanted to do it, and you'd do it again. will do it again. but sometimes it kind of--like. unfairly, selfishly, it kind of hurts that no one does the same for you. like. it feels like maybe you're not worth it. and that's silly, like. you didn't do it so that they'd do something for you, and you offered, you did it without being asked, you did it because you wanted to, and that's--that's fine. they don't owe you anything. no one owes you anything. it's petty to think i did this for you, why can't you do this for me? it's selfish. and that's fine. like. it's fine. like. it's not that you want to stop doing nice things--even if the petty thought occurs to you, the second it actually comes time, you'll immediately give in because you want them to be happy, you like doing nice things, even at cost of your preciously rare time and energy, and that's okay! they don't ask--or maybe they do, but they fully would take no for an answer and not be upset about it, and you know it's your choice--you just do it because you want to. but is it so selfish to just. wish someone would want to for you, for once? without being asked? to want to be the one taken care of? to be the one someone cooks for just because, or takes care of when you're sick, or someone goes out of their way to watch something with you even if they're not interested, or like. just. anything. anything like that. just because it's you, or just because they can, and it's nice. is that so bad. why does it always feel like you put more in than they do. why do you feel bad about it when they didn't ask you to, you're the one putting that in, and they don't owe you something equal just because you decided to go overboard. like. it's just. being too much, i guess. wanting too much. i dunno. might cry a bit.

......anyway, [bill wurtz voice] you could make a blorbo fanfic out of this

yes, yes. projecting onto blorbos. That Will Fix Me.

so if you see some extremely specific angst fic from me later, [rainbow star goes across the screen] Now You Know

[coco-loco-nut]

Book Club - Part 4

Pairing: Lance x Reader, Grid x Reader

Summary: no spoilers 😈

A/n: I’m not ready to let them go, so send in book club requests so we can keep the club going 🥲

requests are open 🗣️ masterlist

—————————

“Nico, when did you ask your wife to marry you?” you dangle upside down on his couch, just chilling and asking for life advice, similar to how the book club started.

“When I knew the time is right and she was the one. Are you second guessing Lance?” he asks, sitting in a chair beside you. You are both in your racing suits, ready for the upcoming race.

“Not necessarily, it’s just that we’ve been together for so long, and god I really love him. You could ask me to marry you right now and I’d say no, that’s how down bad I am,”

“He’s your pookie,” Nico says, smiling proudly at using slang.

“Hell yeah,” you high five him. “I know he wants to marry me, I just wish he’d propose,” you groan.

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Never, ever, ask a girl that. And the answer is no. I just- I don’t want to rush him. I know Lancelot, and he’s gonna want to make it perfect, so I don’t want to make him feel rushed,” you explain and Nico nods.

“Well then, in an alternate universe, I have already asked you to marry me,” Nico says, trying to comfort you.

It’s true, on Earth 2, you and Nico are closer in age and married.

“God, I can only hope,” you grin at the Haas driver, moving to sit normally.

“Don’t worry about it, I see the way he looks at you, it’s only a matter of time,” Nico reassures you.

“Thank you. You really are one of my closest friends. Our little club is my family,” you tell Nico who pulls you into a hug.

“We always will be. Competitors on the track, family off the track,” Nico says as Kevin walks in.

“Y/n, you okay?” Kevin asks, sitting on the other side of you.

“I’m okay, just a little in my bag, probably about to start my period or something,” you wave Kevin off.

“Okay, well you are basically our grid daughter so if there is anything bothering you, let me know,” he gives you a small hug.

“Guys, stop, you are gonna make me cry for real,” you tell them, a little laughter in your voice.

“Alright, go crush this race,” Nico says, walking you out of Haas. You head back to your garage, feeling a lot better than you did before.

Little did you know, was you were venting to Nico, Lance was panicking in front of Fernando, Lewis, and Valtteri.

“What if she says no? Oh my god, she will finally admit that she actually despises me and barely tolerates me,” Lance paces.

“Mate. I don’t know if you noticed, but she looks at you like you hung the moon and the starts. You look at her like she is the thing that makes you live and breathe. You will be ok,” Lewis quotes the song he wrote based on the book you selected.

“Really?” Lance stops his pacing, his eyes shining happily.

“Yes, you two are insanely love sick, it is cute,” Fernando says, amused at the Canadian.

“Just ask her when she wins, she will be too excited to say no,” Valtteri says, Lewis and Fernando gasp, as well as Lance.

“That’s not nearly romantic enough,” Lance groans.

“We arranged for a romantic track walk and picnic at turn two, here is a book with a hole in the pages. When she opens it, eso,” Fernando says, confirming what they had been working on.

“It took a little convincing the FIA, but we did it,” Lewis says. Lance visibly relaxes, a lot of tension releasing.

“How can I repay you for this?” Lance asks, a little overwhelmed, but very grateful for their help.

“Take care of our grid daughter, make sure she is happy for the rest of her life,” Valtteri says simply.

“Hey guys, sorry we are late,” Daniel walks in with Checo.

“What did we miss?” Checo asks, sensing the odd atmosphere.

“Just giving Lance permission to marry our grid daughter,” Lewis tells them.

“Did you ask Kimi?” Daniel asks, the whole grid knows how close the two have gotten. You don’t have a great relationship with your dad, similar to Max, so Kimi has easily filled that role.

“He was the first person I asked, then I asked Kevin and Nico since she is really close with them,” Lance nods, knowing you are probably with them.

“We will be out there taking pictures, don’t worry,” Valtteri reassures the young Aston Martin driver.

“Amigos, it is race time,” Checo says, leading everyone out to the track. Lance spots you with Logan.

“Yeah, you can totally join, I’ll give my copy of this weeks book since I finished it. Just don’t tell the other non-club drivers,” you tell the American. You have gotten closer with him, seeing how excluded he is from some other groups in the Paddock.

“I’ll see you later, thanks for being a good friend,” Logan says, squeezing your shoulder gently.

“Hey, Lancie,” you grin, pressing a small kiss to his lips.

“Hello, love. Are you excited for our date after the race?” Lance asks, his hand resting on your waist, his warmth blocked by your fireproofs. You chat until you reach your respective destinations.

“Good luck, I’ll see you when I overtake you,” you tell him, and he returns your sentiments with a laugh.

You end up placing P4 after pushing the car harder than you ever had before, so you were extremely pleased. After a shower, media responsibilities, and debriefs, you change into a sundress and fix your hair. Lance meets you outside the motorhome, looking handsome in a button up and dress pants.

“You look so hot,” you tell him, jaw dropped a little. 10/10 girls would agree that the only thing hotter than a guy with a baby or small animal, is a guy dressed up in a well fitting suit.

“You look cuter,” he kisses you sweetly, grabbing your hand as he leads you through the paddock to the track. He told you about the track walk after weighing in. The grid helped him set up the date spot while you got ready. Your breath is taken away a bit when you approach turn two. There are fairy lights hanging from the fence and a blanket with a picnic basket on the track.

“Lance, this is incredible. How did you set it up?” you ask him in awe. The clear night sky lets stars shine bright above you.

“The grid helped, especially Fernando, he’s a big romantic and really liked the idea,” Lance admitted shyly.

“It’s perfect,” you take his hand to assist you in sitting down. Lance sits beside you, offering you a snack from the picnic basket. Conversation flows easily between you, talking about anything and everything except for racing, the one topic always off limits on date nights. Lance reaches into the basket and pulls out a book.

“I got you a little something,” Lance says, pushing down his nerves. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see the grid popping out of their hiding spots in the grass area.

“I do love my books,” you smile, taking the book from him. As you usually do, you flip through the first few pages, pausing when you see a ring taped to the third page.

“I had a big speech planned, but will you let me make you happy for the rest of your life and make me happy the rest of mine by marrying me?” Lance asks and you can only nod as tears start flowing. You launch yourself into his arms, holding him close.

“I love you so much,” you whisper and he holds you tighter.

“I love you more,” he says. You pull away slightly and kiss him. Lance carefully removes the ring from the book and puts it on your hand. It’s simple yet stunning, absolutely perfect for you. You both look at the grid when they start cheering and hollering.

There is a social media intern for Formula One somewhere in the group who captured the whole thing on video, Fernando paid her under the table for it and he hid another camera and microphone on the wall of the track. He knew the guys would only remember to get pictures.

You take your time thanking each driver and hugging them, you really tear up when you see Kimi there.

“Congratulations, you raced so well today, I am very happy for you,” Kimi actually hugs you, if there wasn’t photo proof from Lando and Daniel, who’s jpg accounts broke the news of the engagement (you wouldn’t want it any other way), people wouldn’t believe it.

“Thank you. Wait, you said you weren’t going to be here for the race!” you gasp, looking at him a little betrayed.

“If you knew I was here, you would insist on getting dinner with me instead of going on a date,” Kimi shrugs, a small knowing smile on his face. Not only is he basically your dad now, he has been mentoring you a few times a week, even hopping in the sim once in a while.

“You’re right. I’m just glad you approve,” you smile as Lance wraps an arm around your waist.

“He was the first person I asked,” Lance kisses the side of your head.

“Wait, I thought we were the first,” Kevin says, looking at Nico.

“As long as she’s happy, I’ll get over it,” Nico jokingly mourns his loss of you.

“The ring is gorgeous,” George says, inspecting it. He is the babygirl of the group.

“Alright guys, let’s leave the happy couple alone,” Logan says, Lewis helping him herd everyone away from you and Lance.

“This may have been the most perfect day ever,” you sigh happily.

“Only because I am with the perfect girl,” Lance grins at you, holding you close as a blush covers your face.

“Shut up,” you giggle, pulling him down onto the blanket with you. He holds you in his arms for a few minutes before you yawn.

“Let’s get you back to the hotel,” Lance chuckles, helping you stand up. He is grateful that his assistant is taking care of the cleanup and your assistant packed up your drivers room for you.

“Mhmm, I need cuddles ASAP,” you yawn again, thankful for everything the day has brought you and that the hotel is close by. When you get back, it doesn’t take too long for you to crash.

“How did I get so lucky?” Lance whispers, pulling you close to him. Your steady breathing lulls him to sleep.

[callalillywrites]

Bucky’s Best Man

This whole fic came about from this question posed by the fabulous @navybrat817. While I still stand behind the choices I gave originally, I'm currently sitting in an age of pre-serum Steve feels. Thus, the reason this story came to be.

Pairing: Modern Day!Pre-serum Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: ~3800

Summary: Nat and Bucky decide to set up their two best friends by making them their best man and maid of honor. It's not until their wedding that you two officially meet.

Warnings: mostly fluff, some insecurity on Steve's part, flustered Steve and reader at various parts

A/N: This is all written in a practical fever dream of fluff. Hopefully, it's still coherent. It’s proofread but all mistakes are my own.

I do not give permission for my work to be copied or posted on other sites or fed into an AI machine.

*****

“Someone’s smiling pretty hard over there,” Nat teased. Her glass barely hid her smile as she nodded toward your phone. “Who’s the lucky guy that’s gotten you to smile like that? It’s been a while since you’ve smiled like this. It’s nice.”

Your cheeks heated, but you didn’t attempt to lie as you said, “Bucky’s friend.”

“Oh, you mean, his best man, Steve. That friend, right?” Nat asked, leaning forward. You definitely had her attention then. “When did this come about?”

You let out a giggle, shaking your head at her. “You gave him my number, remember? What do you mean when did this come about? You made it pretty clear that he and I would be working together to give you and Bucky the best wedding.”

“And what are we thinking about him, hm? I could guess by your smile, but I want to hear all the juicy details. So spill already.”

Over the next few minutes, you told her everything you knew about Steve from your texts and phone calls. He’d been so sweet at first, asking advice on how to handle his duties as a best man. That didn’t stop him from also checking in with you about handling all your duties as maid-of-honor. The thought he wanted to help you if he could or at least hear you vent had really helped you over the past few months.

It wasn’t like Nat was a bridezilla or anything. Far from it, but you had found some of your duties bothersome. The florist had tried to price gouge them despite the simple designs and few pieces needed to set up the reception’s venue. Then, there’d been the logistics of getting all the girls of the wedding party and other friends of Nat’s together for her bachelorette party a week ago.

Steve had listened to it all, never trying to step in and fix it. You could tell the urge was there based on the way his voice changed over the phone. But he didn’t. He just let you vent and offered you what comfort he could through the phone.

You’d done the same when he called about figuring out what to do for Bucky’s bachelor party. Most of the ideas he could find online didn’t sound all that appealing to him or Bucky, but he’d wanted to give Bucky that right of passage before the wedding. It’d been you to suggest a weekend camping trip or something a bit sportier for Bucky and his Howler friends.

The sweet relief in Steve’s tone had sent the butterflies fluttering in your middle. Oh, you liked how much he could affect you, and you’d yet to meet him face-to-face.

Every time you tried to set that up, something would come up.

It never dawned on you that other powers worked against you and Steve meeting up before the wedding.

By the end of your tale, Nat sank back into her seat with a pleased expression of her own. Without a hint of reservation, she declared, “You’re falling in love with Steve, aren’t you?”

You shook your head.

The thought was impossible, but then again, was it really?

Sure, you hadn’t seen what he looked like, but then, looks had never truly impressed you. Well, that wasn’t the whole truth, either. You didn’t care for some of the more conventional looks that deemed someone attractive. No, you looked for things about a person that others might not necessarily notice at first.

With Steve, you didn’t have to know what he looked like to know that he was your type. He had a subtler sense of humor though he had some sassier moments with you at times. His voice never failed to soothe away the roughness of a day whenever you talked. The way he texted might be a bit on the old-fashioned side, but he never left you in doubt about the tone of his words. He always liked to be crystal clear, so no misunderstandings happened, possibly hurting your feelings or souring your mood.

At last, you admitted, “I don’t know. Maybe. He’s not like anyone I’ve dated before, and we’re not even dating. I mean, I don’t even know if he likes me as anything more than an acquaintance helping him out.”

“You know,” Nat paused long enough to ensure she had your attention, “I could always ask Bucky if Steve talks about you. Then, you’d know one way or another.”

“No, please don’t. I can wait until your wedding to learn one way or another. Just a few more days, right?”

Nat nodded, her smile softening with fondness. No doubt her mind drifted to thoughts of Bucky while she played with the engagement ring on her finger. It gleamed in the sunlight. It took her a moment to come back to you. “Sorry. Yeah, a few more days. Who knows? Maybe it won’t be long before we’re planning a wedding for you and Steve if you two hit it off.”

“Maybe we should just wait and see how our first face-to-face goes,” you said, laughing and holding up your hands. “No sense getting ahead of ourselves. Steve and I should probably try being friends first before we jump to the idea of dating, let alone marriage.”

“You change your mind before Saturday, let me know.”

*****

You didn’t change your mind.

Saturday rolled around, bright and clear. A beautiful day for the wedding of your best friend and her fiancé.

You, Nat, and the other ladies headed to the wedding’s venue early. The limo Nat rented nearly burst at the seams between dresses, ladies, makeup bags, and everything else you might need. Not that the tight squeeze bothered any of you as you talked and joked on your way.

The venue’s director had almost everything complete by your arrival, which made it easier for you all to dash into the bridal suite.

While the ladies quickly changed into their gowns, you took charge of working on their hair and makeup, starting with Nat.

You were making decent progress until a commotion from the main area grabbed your attention.

“Excuse me,” you said and hurried from the room.

You’d taken one step into the main area when something small but solid slammed into you. Your arms flailed to keep you upright, but it wasn’t in your cards to stay on your feet. A hard smack to your behind was your reward for your spectacular failure to save yourself.

“Ow.” You winced when you shifted to get up.

“Wow, we’re so sorry,” one of Bucky’s Howler friends said. His hand stretched out between you, his face pulling tight with concern and contrition. “We didn’t see you there.”

“Obviously.” You chuckled, hoping it would help lessen their guilt for knocking you over. “Nothing’s broken at least, so no harm done.”

Back on your feet, you spared the man who’d knocked you over with what appeared to be a small barrel of something. The man sported a thick mustache across his lip, which he gnawed at without seeming to realize it as he watched you and what you might do next.

“Dum Dum, you better not hurt my girl’s best friend. She will whoop you,” Bucky called, coming closer to the two of you as you continued to swipe at the invisible dust covering your bottom. His voice softened as he asked, “You okay, Sweets?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Go help Steve finish unloading the truck, Dugan. I’m going to escort this beautiful lady back to the bridal suite.”

The mischievous gleam that entered Bucky’s gaze had you holding up your hands. You bit back your laughter at how fast his face shifted into a pout, knowing he’d been thwarted. “I’m fine to get back on my own. You know full well you’re not seeing the bride until the ceremony. So, get your butt in the groom’s suite and start getting ready. Got that, mister?”

“People should call you Sergeant Sweets,” he quipped though he did as you bid.

You simply shook your head at him.

It was only as you were turning to head back that you caught sight of the figure standing in the doorway leading to the parking lot. At first, you might’ve mistook the man standing there for a teenager, but you soon dismissed the notion. His bearing spoke of years beyond what his silhouette implied.

When he stepped further into the venue’s main area, your breath caught.

This man might be slight of stature, but he was no less handsome. His blonde hair had a bit of length that called you to comb your fingers through it, just to see if you could muss it. His cheeks held a bit of stubble while his hands had smudges of what might be pencil dust or charcoal. You couldn’t be sure.

It was his eyes that really caught your attention when he got close enough. Not only did the blueness of his eyes draw you in until you could make out the smallest flecks of green. His long eyelashes called to you, whispering promises of butterfly kisses. Oh, you always loved the thought of butterfly kisses coming from the one you loved and truly loved you in return.

Hoping your staring hadn’t put him off, you offered him a warm smile and a tiny wave.

He mimicked your motions though his cheeks tinted with a lovely shade of pink.

Before you could say anything, one of the bridesmaids came and pulled you urgently back to the bridal suite.

You could only hope that you would see the handsome guy again. Getting his name would be your main mission if you got a second chance.

*****

There was no way for you to know that the guy you’d seen grew preoccupied with thoughts of you while slowly getting ready in the groom’s suite.

He’d known you would be there. You were the maid of honor, but nothing could’ve prepared him for that first sight of you.

Your laugh had been the first thing he’d heard as he neared the venue’s front doors. It drew him in as much as it did during your rather frequent phone calls together. He wanted to hear it and often. It wasn’t unheard of for him to try and make you laugh, especially after you vented about your day to him. He needed to hear your laugh to make his days that much brighter.

Then, he’d heard your voice as you spoke with Dum Dum Dugan. To say he was floating would’ve been an understatement. Your voice had been a melody he used to fall asleep for weeks now. He never wanted to not go a day without hearing it. He should’ve felt more like a creep for loving your voice as much as he did.

Oh, man, he wished he’d been better prepared.

A small part of him thrilled at seeing how much Dugan towered over you. Not in a threatening way as Dugan wouldn’t ever, of course. You certainly didn’t seem afraid of Dum Dum though Bucky had quickly intervened to ensure you were okay.

No, it was the fact he could tell that you maybe stood within an inch of his height. You came up to about the same spot he did when standing near Dugan and even Bucky. He wouldn’t have to necessarily worry about you hating him for being too much shorter than you. A fact that had kept him out of the dating scene for a while.

What really sucker-punched him though was your smile.

Oh, to have you smile at him would be…

It would be a dream come true if he were being honest.

He’d fallen for you over the weeks of phone calls and texts. If he could have a slither’s hope of a chance with you, then he would be the world’s happiest guy.

He –

“What’s up with you, punk?” Bucky asked, fixing his tie in the large mirror taking up much of one wall. “You’ve been quiet since you walked in here.”

At first, Steve debated answering, but then decided to speak up. “Do you believe in love at first sight, Buck?”

Bucky’s hands stilled as he turned to face his best friend. A smirk flashed across his face as he asked, “Someone finally caught your attention, huh? Who’s the lucky lady?”

Unknown to Steve, Bucky could only hope Steve had taken one look at you and fallen for you. He’d been working so hard to make sure you two didn’t meet until today with some help from Nat. The two of you hadn’t had much luck in the love department. He’d wanted someone who could love Steve as much as he loved Nat while Nat wanted the same for you. After a little bit of discussion, it dawned on him and Nat that you two might be perfect for each other. Then, the matchmaking began, starting with asking you two to play best man and maid of honor. It ended with this ultimate moment of reveal.

Steve’s soft voice broke through Bucky’s thoughts as he said your name.

“I don’t even know if she’s interested in me, Buck. I’m not what most women want. Why would she be any different? As much as I might want her to be, it would be stupid to get my hopes up, right?”

“You think the woman you’ve been texting and talking to almost every night is going to care what you look like? Did she ever give you any indication that she’d care?”

Steve frowned at that, then shook his head. “No, but come on, Buck. This isn’t a fairy tale we’re living in. I’m not exactly meant to win the heart of a princess.”

“Listen to me, punk,” Bucky dropped his hands on top of Steve’s shoulders, “Sweets is the kind of woman to see into a guy’s heart and judge him based on his character, not for the way he looks. I can guarantee she’ll give you a chance if you have the courage to ask for it. Promise me you’ll take that chance with her.”

As much as Steve wanted to drop this discussion entirely, he opened the door. There would be no shutting it now that Bucky had stepped in and insisted on a promise from him.

At last, he nodded. “Fine. I’ll ask her. If she says no, then you’re going to buy me several rounds once you’re back from your honeymoon. Got it, jerk?”

“If she turns you down, I’ll buy you a whole bar.” Bucky grinned before going back to work on getting ready. His gaze met Steve’s over his shoulder in the mirror. “But I’m confident she’s going to say yes.”

*****

Before you knew it, the ceremony was set to begin.

You managed to stave off the disaster you’d been pulled to handle. Then, you got yourself ready for Nat’s big day, taking special care with your makeup and hair.

Within minutes, you would be walking behind the other bridesmaids with Steve at your side. A part of you really hoped that Steve was the guy you’d seen in the main area before you’d been pulled away. Your luck had never been all that great though.

More likely, he was a guest who’d shown up early or possibly a worker for the venue who’d wandered in. That last option didn’t sound quite so plausible, but you couldn’t be sure. You’d seen several of their employees flitting around both the interior and exterior the few times you’d joined Nat for her meetings with the director.

“Hey, girl, let’s get moving. I’ve got a groom waiting for me,” Nat said, giving you a push toward the door of the bridal suite.

The bridesmaids and flower girl had already left the room, taking up their places.

Nat smirked at you. “The way you’re looking, you’d think you were the nervous bride. Should I be worried about you?”

You quickly shook your head.

“Then, let’s do this. You don’t want to keep Steve waiting any longer than you have to. If you’re not careful, he’s liable to be snapped up by one of the guests, then where will you be?”

A reluctant smile flitted across your lips before you straightened your shoulders and took that first step towards the door.

The hallway wasn’t quite as crowded as you feared it might be. Several of the bridesmaids had already begun their journey down the carpeted path leading to the altar at the front of the venue. Only two stood and waited their turns with their respective groomsman.

A lone figure fidgeted near the split-off for the groom’s suite. The same figure you’d seen earlier.

Hope ignited within you at the sight of him.

His gaze bounced up as you neared him, his eyes widening a bit.

Oh, the blue really did have a bit more green in them than you initially thought they did. So beautiful with the way his suit really made those small flecks stand out.

The smile you gave Nat before leaving the bridal suite returned full force.

“Steve?” you asked softly, hoping not to spook him.

He nodded, saying your name like a question as well.

“It’s nice to finally put a face to your beautiful voice,” you said, your cheeks heating behind your makeup.

The pink you’d seen earlier returned while he ducked his head. You mourned the loss of his eyes though you did get another view of his long, feathered lashes. So, you couldn’t (and wouldn’t) complain.

He finally said, “I feel like I should be the one saying that.”

“You can if you’d like. I certainly won’t stop you.”

To your astonishment, the pink deepened though you caught sight of the upward curve of his mouth. He liked your gentle teasing, or at least, that’s what you hoped. Surely, fate wouldn’t be so cruel as to tease you with this man at your side, only to have him not like you as much as you’d come to like him.

He didn’t get the chance to say anything as you’d reached the end of the aisle. You both took your proper places at the altar with Nat close behind you.

Soon, she stepped up next to you, handing over her bouquet to take Bucky’s hands instead. She shot you a quick wink and a nod at Steve. If she could’ve gotten away with a thumbs up, she probably would’ve done it.

You could only shake your head at her. Amusement rolled through you even as you snuck a few discreet glances in Steve’s direction. Your gazes met as the officiant finally announced Bucky could kiss his bride, declaring them husband and wife.

Steve’s arm came out as Bucky led Nat back down the aisle towards the partitioned area that would also serve as their reception area.

You took it without hesitation, allowing him to take the lead.

While you couldn’t say you weren’t disappointed that you two weren’t assigned seats side by side, you were happy that he wasn’t situated too far from you.

In fact, Bucky and Nat made it a point to stay on the dance floor long after their first dance to give you both a chance to talk. Neither of them missed the way you and Steve looked at one another. They were beyond happy to see the successful results of their matchmaking attempts.

You even managed to get Steve out on the dance floor for a slow dance or two. His two left feet didn’t bother you, working with him to relax enough to enjoy swaying to the music.

Conversation slowly began to flow effortlessly between the two of you as the evening wore on.

The only darkness that loomed over the evening was Steve’s continued failure to ask you out for a real date.

You kept waiting and waiting for him to make a move. Hint after hint, you dropped in the hopes he’d take the initiative.

He never did.

When the reception came to an end, you gave up all hope. Steve simply wasn’t interested while you’d come to realize that you could find yourself really falling for him. If only he’d give you a chance, then you could possibly make him fall for you, too.

Dum Dum came up to Steve after Bucky and Nat drove off, ready to kickstart their wedding night. He offered Steve a ride home, which Steve accepted.

“I had a really nice time,” he said softly, almost shyly.

You couldn’t help the genuine smile that settled over your lips. “I did, too. Not sure I really want the night to end, but I guess it has to.”

“Let’s go, Rogers,” Dum Dum called out.

Steve glanced at the Howler and grimaced. “I guess I should go. Thank you for everything. I get why Bucky calls you Sweets. You’re the sweetest woman I’ve ever met.”

“It’s easy with a gentleman like you. If you ever want to talk or something, you can always call,” you said after gathering the last shreds of your courage. This was your last chance, and you wanted to put the ball on his side of the court one final time. “Good night, Steve.”

With a small wave, he turned and started walking towards where Dum Dum waited. He got two whole steps, then he changed course, coming to stand in front of you again.

You could see him swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing before he blurted, “Go out with me. I mean, if you want. I, uh, I really like you, Sweets. Maybe if you like me, too, I could take you out sometime.”

Your cheeks hurt with how wide your smile became.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you murmured, then leaned in to press a brief kiss to his cheek. When you pulled back, you added, “I really like you, too, Steve. Call me tomorrow?”

He nodded several times. His voice cracked, raising an octave. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Text me when you get home? I wanna make sure you get there safe.”

“I will. Go before Dum Dum tries to leave without you.”

Steve took off after Dum Dum, who’d threatened to leave him as you said he might.

It wasn’t until he reached the doorway that you called out, “Hey, Steve, do you believe someone could fall in love after a few calls and texts?”

He grinned. “Yeah, I do. I’m pretty sure I did.”

“I’m pretty sure I did, too,” you admitted with a dreamy smile.

*****

Main Masterlist

[luffyvace]

Aizawa crush headcanons

”aizawa crush headcanons, but like make him realize he’s in love with you at the end, so that like, he can do something about it or he can’t ignore it”

asked by a good friend of mine irl. she didn’t mention gender so i’m going with afab since i haven’t written for that yet ♡

(ps i’m not going to mention what type of person he would like unless you req that i want to keep this as neutral as possible)

aizawa having a crush on you means finding cats to take care of together

it means warm, comfortable, solidarity silence

he would still be himself around you for sure, he would want you to like him for who he is

changing himself is too much effort. if you don’t like him back he’ll have to move on whether it hurts or not

people still need teaching and saving after all and the world isn’t going to stop just for him

being a realist he’s aware of that

but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to clean up if you go out somewhere together (prior to dating, first impressions are everything)

he wouldn’t be afraid to tell you like it is if you ask for his opinion,

in his eyes sugarcoating things aren’t going to help you

but he wouldn’t necessarily be as harsh on you as he is on his students or mic

to woo you he wouldn’t really do anything above and beyond

he acknowledges that he likes you but he doesn’t want to waste time if his crush on you doesn’t blossom into something bigger

so instead of going all out he relies on things like little compliments, little favors and quality time

examples;

”you don’t look half bad today l/n”

”not too shabby, i guess” *combs hand through hair* (yeah that’s another thing, he’ll do little gestures to sway you but we’ll dabble into that more later)

”you smell fresh, that’s a nice aroma”

for little favors……

you: “ahh crap i left my keys in my car”

him: *magically knows a way to open locked out cars* you: *clearly having a rough day* him: *opens a window for you to vent* you: “awww man the last of ____ is sold out!”

him: “hmm..well, i’ll keep an eye out for when it’s back in stock” *the very next day* “oh yeah turns out i already had one i just forgot, here you can have it”

im not lying he actually did have one and forgot

as far as quality time:

inviting each other over for movie nights (he always falls alseep so you get most of the popcorn- 🎉 unless it’s his favorite movie- then he stays up eyes red and all, while sucking nothing out of an empty juicy box)

although movie night only happens when your closer friends though- he keeps his friend circle small because anyone could betray him and he doesn’t like people (he doesn’t hate them either he just stays to himself)

quality time for him can also be texting and checking up on each other

it doesn’t always have to be physical for him to feel appreciated

if YOU want to sway HIM though

get him a cat

self explanatory

but you can also listen to him when he talks, shoulder massages (only when your real close tho), give it to him straight.. definitely don’t be phony…and yeah!

pretty much be yourself

if he doesn’t fall for you himself there’s no way to convince him to

and if he falls for you it’s not for any facade you put on

its for your real true self

your personality.

he accepts your flaws and who you are but he will talk to you about bettering yourself a few times if they’re really bad and habitual (which he’s perfect if you have low self esteem because he’ll help you realize you might be overthinking and underestimating yourself, bringing you back to reality like the realist he is)

he’s not necessarily judgmental though

i feel like the part of him that’s not afraid to tell it like it is, is being misunderstood as him being judgmental

anyway that’s for when he has a crush on you

now its time for love

😍

okay so what (for), when, where and why right?

(“what about who? 🤓☝️“ YOU, FOOL!)

so what (for):

i dabbled in this okay? he loves your personality

for your flaws, your strengths, your weaknesses, your IQ (high or low), your fears

he loves everything about you

when?:

probably when you guys are pretty close

not him and mic close

but y’all have been friends for some time now

i say a couple of months

he doesn’t fall fast

maybe first though, if you an oblivious typa person

where (does he realize);

he was probably sitting on his couch after dinner, waiting for his shower to get hot, snug as a bug in his sleeping bag, drinkin a juicy box.

see the vision?

okay

so he was thinkin n thinkin n thinkin…

about you.

wait.

about you

why was he thinking so much about you.

omg wait..

he just remembered..

your beautiful smile (don’t care if it’s crooked, missing teeth, over/underbite- it’s GOREGEOUS)

your beautiful hair

your beautiful eyes

your personality

he realized he was thinking about you so much because…

he loves you

sits there head empty for a hot minute…

then falls asleep..

(rip water bill- shower still running)

why?:

wym why he fell in love? your YOU!!

your amazing even if he doesn’t say it all the time

or even if you don’t think it

even if no else thinks it!

someone does!

him!

he’s not the type of person to romanticize the person he loves

but he does accept you!

but as i said he loves you most for personality!

purely, truly—you

now let’s dabble back into the little gestures he’ll do to sway you once he realizes he loves you

for one like i said he’ll comb his hair in his fingers

and if he sees you find that attractive he’ll do it a little more around you

now keep in mind

your special

he doesn’t go around doing things like that for just anyone

no matter how small the change if it’s not beneficial he won’t do it

but this is beneficial

because he’s trying to court you ;)

he loves you, and he wants you to love him back now :)

but anyways

back on topic

he’ll also shrink his personal bubble around you

so now you can;

stand a little closer than normal

brush your fingers together

have your arms side by side

touch knees together when sitting

lay your head in his lap during movie night and he won’t say anything

(he wouldn’t pet your head but he’s not going to move you either)

rest your head on his shoulder as he does stuff/work (usually in private like when he’s planning his lessons on weekends)

speaking of that you can now come over unannounced and he’ll be glad to see you, ask you about your day, etc

back on topic to gestures he does,

his favors can get more personal,

like if you need to run errands but aren’t feeling well he’ll go shopping for you

(although i will say he doesn’t like shopping and has no idea what brands of products you normally buy he’ll do it to help you out)

he’ll also feel comfortable putting his arm on your shoulder (not around, on)

the gestures aren’t a lot because he isn’t the most cuddly guy (in my realistic headcanons)

but they mean something to you

AN: i tried to write canon aizawa more than fanon because it’s better that way to me but if anyone wants a little more cuddly/fanon aizawa i’d be happy to give it to them

i’m really happy with the way this turned out so i hope everyone can enjoy as well

ps: if you want specifically how he asks you out id love to do that (i might do it anyways 😋)

[willowser]

hey willow since i am so in love with ur katsuki writing is it okay if i ask to pls pls pls make another argument prompt with him since i am currently in the mood for angst (WITH HAPPY ENDING PLS MY POOR HEART CANNOT TAKE IT) ILY WILLOW UR SO SWEET AND NICE AND I WANNA BE UR FRIEND 🫠🫠🫠🫠

we are friends !! 🥺 pals !!! 🥺 you're very kind, tysm !!!

idk if i have a prompt necessarily in mind rn but !! i could talk about fighting with him all the time, idk why there is such a draw to it for me aifhfjakal

the thing about bakugou is that he's not shy at all in almost every other aspect of his life, besides romantically (in my opinion). so if there's ever an issue, he's tackling it straight on; he's sure of himself, unafraid of confrontation, speaks his mind, stands up for himself and what he believes in—and if you're not like that, too, for the most part, i can see how little misunderstandings and hurt feelys could occur so easily.

he's also such a go-getter, so venting to him is probably impossible at the beginning of your relationship because he's immediately just telling you how to fix it and he doesn't understand why you're not listening to him.

like if you're having an issue with a coworker and just kind of lamenting about it to him, he's so—

"need to say somethin'," katsuki grunts, only briefly looking away from the gauntlet he's fiddling with at the dining table. there's a mess of screws and tiny pins and his hands are coated in a grease you can smell from where you're standing at the sink. "gonna walk all over you if you don't say nothin'."

and you're just—frustrated. wanting to complain in order to put words to how you're feeling, in case that will lighten the tension coiled in your shoulders.

"well, i know," you tell him quietly—and you do, you do know that, but you just want to be a crybaby for a minute. "but it's not like i can start a fight in the middle of work."

"why not?" he casts you another quick look, dark and furrowed, before leaning closer to—whatever he's looking at. there's a very small snapping sound, and he leans back with a hot huff and shakes his head. you know it's not but—it almost feels directed at you. "this is why they do it, you know that? because you don't do anything about it."

"i know, katsuki," you frown at him, but his attention is already diverted. "i'm just saying."

"saying it to me ain't gonna help you."

"okay," you huff now, too, before pushing off the counter. "i guess i just won't say it to you, then."

you catch the snap of his head in your peripheral vision, but continue on to your bedroom, not bothering to look back even when he starts stuttering.

"'m only—fuck. hang on."

i think i like writing it bc—there's so much for each of you to learn about each other every time 🥺 katsuki, how to talk to you; you, to read between his lines. and i think that's so sweet 🥺 two people that love each other working through their ugliest parts, and coming out the other side just as devoted 🥺

hope this is okay !! tysm for your sweet words 🩷

[heartnosekid]

hey friends, i wanted to share some things that are going on in my life right now. mostly for possible support, since it is really difficult going through this right now and i wonder if any of y’all have been through the same.

in july, i had three psychogenic non epileptic seizures (PNES) which required me to go to the hospital. they were caused by extreme nervous system stress, i.e. ptsd and panic attacks combined with the fact i was trying to self medicate with cbd and delta 8. super scary, never experienced a fear and strangeness like that before.

since then, i have had like. no full seizures but instances where i felt like i did before the onset of having the three in july.

i am now coming off cymbalta, the second SNRI i have had to come off in the last three years. i am experiencing pretty intense withdrawals and i was wondering if anyone else has had experience with cymbalta withdrawal as well and if anyone could tell me what their experience was like.

essentially my withdrawal symptoms are feeling similar to how the onset of the PNE seizures felt, and i am kind of just. i guess super scared. i have a support system IRL, but regardless of that, whenever i have these symptoms, i feel so alone and isolated. not necessarily in a lonely way, but in the way that i feel the extremest thing is going to happen and no one will be able to help me, if you know what i mean.

so yeah. i’m sorry to vent here, health problems have really been kicking my hind-end in recent years and now the seizures and withdrawals on top of it has really made things more complicated. and i wanted to know if anyone else has any similar experiences, because if someone has shared my experience, it will somehow calm me down. i will be responding to all comments left on this post btw.

as always, i love you all. very very much. if i miss any trigger tags on this post, please let me know and i will fix it accordingly.

- ish 💕

[oceanwithinsblog]

every day that passes we're getting closer and closer to the final episodes of doctor who s14 (or s1, whatever) (i'm also in denial WTH does it mean that this season is almost over ????)

so before i forget (and before the last two episodes drop) i NEED to vent a bit about this season. the following are just my personal opinions (which might change after watching the season finale), please bear with me ^^

first of all - i am so glad doctor who is back !!! i must admit that my doctor who drought lasted for around 5 months as i got introduced to the show back in late summer 2023 and did a speed run of all nuwho seasons between september and november 2023. i got super excited for the december specials !! and i was even more surprised and thrilled when i found out a new season of dw was premiering in may 2024 !! i know i've been lucky to wait for so little to get immersed in a new dw season but i truly, truly missed it and i enjoyed every episode of s14 <3 now i'm sad to think that this is about to end, but it felt so good to finally see the doctor back in action and to get through each week thinking that one of my favorite characters/storylines/universes was gonna be there for me on the weekend <3 i love dw so much <3

#2 idk about you but i fell so easily for ncuti as the doctor and millie as ruby/the companion TT they're both so good, i really appreciated their acting this season and i would also say that it's probably one the (few) things that positively shocked me this time around. i guess it was a bit unfair for me to think that ruby wasn't my cup of tea after watching just 'the church on ruby road' ep because she totally surprised me this season. she's so great! millie's acting is on point, so captivating and funny to watch throughout the show. i can't wait to find out more about her character fr! well, what's to say about ncuti as the doctor .. ohmy oh my .. i don't think i've ever seen a doctor so confident, so flirtatious, so proud in themselves .. ncuti's doctor exudes charisma and i'm so here for it. that's absolutely not to say that the doctor's worries, traums etc. magically disappear (they're still very present and influence their every move), but what i loved the most about his acting is that he goes all the way into it. fifteen may become one of my favorite doctors ngl (say hi to eleven and ten) and i am so looking forward to where they're gonna take us next <3

#3 as for writing, i feel that something's missing ... don't get me wrong, i love rtd's cool nice funny episodes and seeing the doctor face a range of diverse situations (even the most unthinkable ones, e.g. space babies) is just priceless.. but there's some kind of void in it, too. now that i think about it, maybe it's not the writing itself but the length of the season - having less than 10 episodes doesn't really give us much time and space to properly explore the dynamics between characters, strengthen their relationships and make them grow both individually and as a whole. besides, i admit that i'm a bit biased, but i loved (most of) moffat's writing for the seasons he was a showrunner of and i personally would love to see ncuti bringing to life more stories written by moffat (yes..i know he wrote 'boom' for s14). basically, i miss 'old' nuwho seasons of 18+ episodes where we could get even more affectionate to the characters and the adventures that defined their journey through the multiverse T___T

before i move on to my last point, may i also add (storyline-wise) that i wished the episodes were more interconnected with each other? not necessarily with the narration, even just with easter eggs ^^" idk maybe moffat got me used to have high expectations lol (i'm still eager to find out who the lady appearing in all episodes is !!!! may this dw finale give us all the answers we need)

#4 i would have never thought i would write this (mainly because i would have never thought there could come a time when these gadget weren't going to be used as much) BUT I DEARLY MISS THE TARDIS AND THE SCREWDRIVER WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM ?!?!?! i loved previous doctors goofing around with their sonic screwdrivers and running in the tardis allowing us (the audience) to find out more and more about the endless number of rooms in it ... why does it seem like fourteen doesn't love their tools ?? why don't they show them more throughout the season ?? this is like classic items that can't miss in the episodes so WERE IS THAT SILLY GOOFY STUFF ?? also, as much as i enjoy fourteen and ruby going on adventures in different time periods etc. why aren't they EVER showed inside the TARDIS travelling and waiting to get to their destination ?? i'm just very nostalgic (i took this very personally, i'm sorry i'm just angry at rtd)

well - i guess that's it! if you've read this far, thank you for reading me <3 let me know what you think about it and what you're expecting for the next couple episodes of s14 <3

ps. i'm very hopeful that rogue will be a recurring character <3

pps. ncuti gave the queers the most fruity doctor ever (no shade to all previous doctors, you've served and delivered and we love u immensiely) <33

[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Ep. 15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived" Review

To say that I am happy is an understatement. I am beyond satisfied with the finale of TBB. For me, it was perfect and I cried several times. This was about a family. Of course, there are small things I would've liked to see more of, but that's more nitpicking. I watched the finale twice today and I am happy. I guess if I had to say anything, it's that I wanted more. I love these characters and I could spend hours with them.

From a more constructive criticism side (just to get it out of the way): I definitely think the writers needed more time overall with this show. There are corners that had to be cut and you can see it. The pacing is rushed at times. While I'm still happy with the final result, you can tell it really needed more time for character moments. I don't necessarily blame the writers; I blame Disney for not giving them more time. Jen and Brad are very capable of both action and character depth, but it's clear they didn't have the time for both.

On another note, the music and animation were phenomenal. The rain animation looked so real to me, especially when dripping off of the characters. Everything was stunning. And the music, like my gosh. The Kiners popped off here. Crosshair's theme and Omega's theme are two absolutely beautiful pieces of music and I really enjoyed hearing them throughout the episode. And my gosh, tension during the final stand against Hemlock was perfect. The music was incredible and I rewatch that sequence because of it (and other things).

Spoiler time; you know the drill 😎 This will be long, fair warning.

Crosshair's conversation with Wrecker and Hunter was truly heartbreaking. You can hear the guilt in his voice, especially when he admits he feels like he deserves to 'Plan 99' himself. To hear Crosshair admit that hurt. His past mistakes weigh heavily on him. However, I loved that Hunter stepped up and told him no. Family sticks together no matter what. It's a far cry from S1, where Hunter and Cross both left each other. But now, nothing will split their little family up. Crosshair's theme playing over that whole sequence had me in shambles.

The whole fight sequences with the operatives was also really well done. I can't imagine what would've happened if Hemlock managed to condition the boys. Omega got Cross out at the right time; if he'd stay'd there a few weeks longer, then Hemlock would've definitely adjusted the conditioning machine in time to fully break him. Luckily, Crosshair avoided that fate. Still, to know that he suffered in that machine for 5 months is heartbreaking. The operatives are true killing machines, devoid of life.

I can't believe I live in a world where Crosshair got Jaime Lannister'd. AND IM A HARDCORE JAIME STAN. This wasn't on my 2024 bingo card! I will say though, I can see why some people personally don't agree with it as a writing decision. Cutting off his had doesn't magically "fix" anything; it honestly will just add to his trauma. But at the same time, I love whump and there is symbolism of Crosshair being truly free. He is now just Crosshair and that's enough.

Omega really learned from the best, didn't she? Seeing her help the other kids and free the Zillo was epic. I got so many Ezra vibes from her as she slipped in and out of the vents of Tantiss. The faith and trust she has in her brothers is truly heartwarming. And it makes the epilogue feel even sweeter. Omega knows they raised her well and she can take care of herself because of that. She's grown so much since that first time seeing her on Kamino. It feels like looking in a mirror sometimes, at least for me. I see a lot of my life reflected in her, just like I do with Crosshair. It hits home.

The final standoff with Hemlock was definitely my favorite part outside the ending. I loved the music, the animation, and seeing Hunter and Crosshair work together. There is such trust between the brothers and Omega. Despite Crosshair's worries, there is no moment that Hunter doubts Crosshair's abilities. Hunter knows Cross will make it. He assures Cross that Omega also trusts her brother's abilities. And the hug after Hemlock died was so beautiful. I love that Omega hugged Crosshair first; he needed that.

Hemlock's demise was perfect. I kept joking that I just wanted him to fall off of Tantiss because it would be so pathetic. And guess what? He did fall off of Tantiss (after getting shot before hand).

Echo of course was awesome! Loved how he commented that he knew Omega was the one to release the Zillo. I also loved how he did get to fulfill his wish of freeing the clones and even lead them into battle against the operatives. The last domino still stands and I couldn't be happier. (Also glad that Emerie lived. She deserved it after realizing how messed up everything was).

Nala Se and Rampart were also handled well. Rampart never changed and I'm glad he didn't. Some people are just not nice, even after getting served humble juice. Meanwhile, I will cut Nala Se some slack. I will never forget Fives. However, she did save Omega so there's that. And she took out Rampart.

Overall, I'm just really glad that everyone made it out in the end. I would've been fine with a sacrifice, but the Batch was constantly being forcibly split apart, I'm glad that they now get a break and can be family. (Tech lives on in all their hearts). They will be ok and they know that. TBB was my comfort show and seeing that final shot of the Batch reminded me that I will be ok. Stuff happens, but somehow, things will work themselves out.

And the epilogue! I wish we got old man Crosshair and Wrecker (maybe one day we will), but it makes sense why it was only Hunter and Omega. He's her primary father figure and their relationship has been one of the driving forces of the show. For so long, Hunter has been very protective Omega, almost going too far at times. However, he learns to let her go and trusts that she will be ok. He is at peace knowing he, Wrecker, and Crosshair (and Tech + Echo) raised her well. It reminded me so much of my own experiences with my parents and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect epilogue. It also hit hard seeing Omega as an adult; she was so tiny in the beginning.

Anyways, that was a long review. I am overall thrilled with the final and I'm glad everything wrapped up neatly. I'm sure we will see Wolffe, Cody, and Rex in another project; their story isn't over. But Clone Force 99's is. They struggled so much and are now finally able to rest. The epilogue confirms that Hunter, Wrecker, and Crosshair got to grow old and watch their kid grow up. For me, there's such a beauty to that. In a galaxy that is riddled by war and darkness, there is hope for a better future. The Bad Batch started as a group of "defective" clones, but in the end, they became something so much more: a family. And in my eyes, that is the perfect ending.

[hwajin]

#!! - 𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐍 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄 — 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫 ; ɢᴀᴢᴇ

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: angst, fluff

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: hyunjin x reader, chan x reader

𝐰𝐜: 6.7k

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: a party wasn't in your plans; nor in his. and yet you've let yourself bribe by your friend to go out; as did he.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬/ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: LONGEST CHAPTER SO FAR AND UGH i hope you'll like it as much as i liked writing it!! pls leave feedback if you had any thoughts while reading!! psa: every big cut is a pov change!!

series masterlist | next chapter

You were lounged onto your sofa, feet dangling off the armrest, warm sweats and fluffy socks protecting you from the ever-sinking temperatures that slowly started settling into your home. Two weeks have passed since the boy in the store has made his appearance – two weeks of his face perpetually appearing before you, two weeks of thinking about him in uncalled times, two weeks in which you still called him only that; boy in the store. Because his name was yet unknown to you, seemingly not bound to be ever found out. And then, in the first place – why did you know it’s been two weeks? You were measuring time with the help of him unknowingly, knew exactly when the encounter happened in the shop – when he seemed to have shaken your world up and alive. Fourteen days called for your interest, for this sick crush to dissipate and fade into nothing. Fourteen days was long enough to forget a stranger you’d likely never meet again. Hell, you were committed to another person, after all. Yet here you were, spilling your heart out so Seungmin, because your best friend was a more trusted source than your boyfriend when it came to this matter, when it came to the boy, the stranger in the store.

“I just don’t get it. Like, I want to forget him Min, I really do… but he keeps just popping up in the weirdest times…–. Like alright, I get that he was attractive… I guess– and that Chan and I have been weird lately, but why am I this fixated on him? It’s not like we talked even… he shouldn’t be in my head this much. He shouldn’t be in my head at all, but I can’t like, get him out.”

Your voice hinted frustration, words rolling past your lips quickly. It’s been fourteen days since Seungmin has turned into your only source to vent, because neither Chan nor other friends were ever bound to find out about the stranger. Though you haven’t initially planned to tell even Seungmin all about him. In your defence, there hasn’t been much to tell initially, not until the stranger started to appear everywhere you looked, anywhere you went. Only then you grew concerned, when it had started to feel like an obsession, an unhealthy one, and only then Seungmin had the privilege of getting to know your confusion about him. Seungmin had brushed it off at first, arguing that the mess you and Chan had going on currently was the reason behind the strange infection the boy had cursed you with. Only after a while your friend has joined your concern, when you wouldn’t stop talking about him and had cried to Seungmin due to guilt nagging at you. Because Seungmin knew your feelings for Chan still existed somewhere within. Not simply because you had told him, necessarily; Seungmin knew you well, and you weren’t the type to drop people simply because you hit rough patches. You were a fighter when it came to anything regarding emotions, had always been one who held a strong importance towards loved ones, one who didn’t drop friends and partners when things went into phases of negativity, because according to you there was always room for improvement, always time to rethink and re-evaluate behaviours and feelings, because according to you people weren’t only one sided; always carried more beneath the surface. Seungmin knew your feelings for Chan remained, even if hidden or forgotten for the moment, buried beneath thoughts that hurt and words that weren’t spoken, and he knew that the sensibility of your persona surely called for you to struggle deeply with an unknown man having occupied your every thought in the matter of fourteen days, while the man you were bound to was giving you a hard time. He felt with you, could only imagine your turmoil of emotions.

“Can I be honest with you? You sound mad stressed to me. You’ve been ranting about this guy for the past two weeks, whether you want to remember him or not is not the problem, it sounds unhealthy, just in general.”

Seungmin wasn’t scolding you, but the tone in his voice was serious – he was taking the matter with full importance. He stood from his seat by the kitchen counter and plopped himself down next to you, the cushions dipping under his weight, pulling you with it slightly.

“So I say you let loose, how’s that sound? You haven’t been out and got drunk in ages, it’s high time miss ma’am.”

You scoffed, huffing air out in a mix of annoyance and defeat. Because Seungmin had a point, surely. It has been ages since you’ve gone out to have fun with friends, ages since you drank so much your head was a maze the next day, since you had no worries other than the hangover that was plaguing you the next day. And maybe Seungmin was right, entirely. Maybe the only reason your mind focused on the stranger as much as it did stemmed justly from stress, experiencing it in all parts of your life recently. You were busy with studies, homework and upcoming exams piling up your desk. If it wasn’t school you spent your time with work, jobs aching at your every muscle. And in between your boyfriend, whom you were nothing but unsure about as of late, adding to the growing pile of anguish, duties. For a second it scared you, the fact you viewed Chan as another problem to take care of, another duty. That he wasn’t a safe haven you could flee into, not anymore. That university and work was something you handled by yourself now, without his reassurance. Because though not everything was going bad with your boyfriend, though there were occasional moments of short-lived happiness, you were wary of approaching him with concerns. And he wasn’t either lately, as though trying to save the both of you from additional negativity, trying to desperately dance around the fact you’d crumble if a word of worry was uttered.

You gave yourself a good shake, hoping to get rid of yet another wave of uneasy thoughts, angry at yourself for getting lost in them all over again. You sat straight on the sofa, bringing your legs up in the process and crossing them comfortably before you. Seungmin was right, as so often. Your behaviour, your obsession or crush, whatever you wanted to call it, was unhealthy, your constant state of stress only demanding damage to your nerves. You needed and deserved a break. Maybe, you thought, partying and getting drunk with Chan would get the both of you closer again. There’s been a time where you’d both wake up with hangovers every other weekend, after campus parties and friendly get togethers, nights spent carelessly and always together, mornings dreadful but strangely comforting – it seemed so far away now, the life you used to have, when you first met, and all felt easy, simple.

But you made it your duty to repair what was broken. To make an effort, to talk things out with Chan, get him to let loose with you for just one night. You were sure one night wouldn’t close fix everything that needed fixing, but sitting aimless wasn’t in your plans. Efforts in love didn’t come with ease, needed time. And you were ready, desperate even, to spend that time on Chan. Because you weren’t one to let love slip past your fingers, when you had experienced it so vividly, so passionately, with the one person that you’ve been sure of since you met first. And just as you’ve finished that thought, just as motivation and a zest for motivation struck you; the stranger flickered up behind your eyes. Fuck.

“You know what Min,”, words came scattered, in a somewhat stressed manner, as to stop your train of thought, “you’re a genius. Let’s call together some of our friends, too.”, words sounded nervous, as to overplay the ever appearing picture of the stranger, “I bet none of them got to party much lately-“, and then your voice cut off, bitter realisation hitting you like a truck and shortly replacing the memories to the stranger in the store, “-when did we all grow up so fast?”

The last part of your sentence was quiet, sounding longing, reminiscing old times. You weren’t old yet by any means, only starting adulthood, only learning how to cope on your own. And yet the realisation of the speed that life was passing by always felt unexpected, and the feeling of wasting your life away nagged at your bones. Felt like time was running out, that you needed to grasp moments left and right to remember your youth by. And to think of all the things you haven’t yet achieved – it was frightening, scared you. And to think of Chan, having met him with the start of your very first semester, when he had been in his third by that time, a bit older than you and helping you out when studies got overwhelming, and when he had dropped out not short after to pursue music, yet never leaving your side and revealing his interest in you eventually. Back then you were sure he'd been the love of your life. You had imagined a life together, and back then it didn’t feel like time was flashing too fast. Because back then you were sure, convinced. Naïve maybe, but in love. Yet now you were getting older, day by day, and the confidence about a life with your lover has managed to slip past you, despite your attempts to hold on to it. The fear of not growing old with one another, because if it wasn’t Chan, you doubted it could be anyone else. As much as you’ve lost your spark, as distant as you grew, you’ve once loved as passionately as no other.

Except. Except the stranger in the store turned out to be more important than you now made him out to be, that it had a deeper meaning to your crossing paths. Because he yet seemed to not leave the depths of your mind, yet seemed to have nestled himself into your brain. And you wondered, couldn’t help but question if there was a sort of twisted sign behind his reappearing face, if it meant anything that you were seemingly stuck on him. And if, in case you wanted, allowed yourself to believe that there was more to him, in case you accepted him, the stranger could, after all, flip your worlds upside down. Not solely in your mind.

|||

An ear damaging bass was everything Hyunjin could take in, every other of his senses overstimulated. He didn’t quite know the reason he agreed to Jeongin when the word “party” had left his lips; maybe it’d been his puppy eyes, his concerning skill to manipulate one into fulfilling each and every wish of his.

“Oh, come onnnn, you haven’t been out in ages… please? I don’t wanna turn up alone.”

A sad pout had adorned Jeongin’s face, and Hyunjin had almost caved in already. His friend was closer to him than a related brother, and denying him never seemed to work for Hyunjin.

“Ask someone else to go with you, I’m sure Minho or Lix would love to go. I’m not looking forward to going to a party where I don’t know anyone but you.”

Not having looked up from his sketchbook Hyunjin had kept his composure, convinced Jeongin wouldn’t possibly annoy him any longer, would understand his reasoning and ask their other friends; there’s been plenty after all. And then he’d added a “You’ll mingle with other people, and I’ll just stand there. No thank you, I’ll pass.”, to accentuate just how much he despised going. Jeongin truly had had to understand after that arguing, wouldn’t – couldn’t – possibly look through Hyunjin’s lies. Because if Hyunjin was fully honest he simply hadn’t wanted to go, more excited to laze around at home, his roommates out of house and a home full of silence to himself only. It would have been the dream.

“Maybe you should be mingling with other people, you haven’t met anyone in ages. I swear to God, you’ll end up like those lonely artists who spend all their time in front of canvases and turn crazy eventually because they’ve forgotten how it is to be touched by a woman.”

By that time Hyunjin had been up on his feet and on the get go to leave, egging Jeongin on to hurry up because the night wasn’t endless and the party wouldn’t last forever. If he’d been asked, Hyunjin would have denied that his friends teasing argument made him worry, question his life for even a second. He would have argued that it had left him cold, that he had enough friends and that going out and dating wasn’t all a problem to him, that he could pull if he wanted to. And it wouldn’t only be a lie to others, it was a lie to himself. Hyunjin’s consistent friend group hasn’t changed in years, ever since he met them in college, and his relationship laid so long in the past that the nights spent alone, without a body laying next to him, grew a creeping routine on him. Then again, if anyone’d point that out, he’d argue it’s for the best, that it’s the lifestyle he chose for himself to be happy. That the books in his shelves, all talking about love, and his recently watched movies, all portraying romance, and the songs that blasted in his ears without a break, all singing of lovers, wasn’t anything he actually wished for, not for himself anyways. That he wasn’t actually that sappy and hopeless. That pathetic.

Though, as much as Jeongin wanted Hyunjin to mingle, to mix himself into a group of people and start growing closer to strangers he’s never seen before, Hyunjin realised quick that agreeing to the party wasn’t his best decision, competing to be his worst, in fact. He wasn’t a mood killer, someone who understood fun and loved seeing it, participating in silliness, sharing dumbness with others. He was able to let loose, has had multiple times, suffering the consequences later on; be it a stinging headache the next morning or a bit of uncleaned vomit on his shirt he hadn’t had the mind to change out of – Hyunjin knew it all and surely didn’t dislike parties, but maybe he simply didn’t like them sober. Or in a crowd of strangers, with no known soul next to him.

Speaking of, the crowd was all but too big for the place he was in; he was sure Jeongin mentioned the name Seungmin when talking about the host and home, a friend, or a friend of a friend, he didn’t remember. It was a small, rented apartment, with neighbours all around, suburb-y and neat. Not fit for flashing lights and a booming bass. Hyunjin was surprised no one had filed a noise complaint yet. And it was strange, if he thought about it, standing leaned against a wall, a red cup in hand, in a house he didn’t know whom it belonged to. To be invited to a party – not directly, yet invited – without knowing a single soul. To see groups messing around, couples kissing, strangers making out, and knowing none of them. To be strangers to everyone while all in the same room having fun, while all between the same walls letting loose. It somehow felt meaningless, but maybe Hyunjin was being dramatic, and needed to get out of his head for once.

He sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes hard to try and rid himself off his thoughts. He’s had a weird feeling since the first step he’s made through the door, a somewhat choking one, as if something was blocking his way of breathing, as though someone wanted to knock the oxygen out his lungs. He wasn’t sure where it was coming from, blamed the slump he was under lately. Yet there was a lingering feeling, a pulling, an urge. And he thought about you, more often than usual, and hated himself for it, more than normally. He came here to forget about you in the first place, or to meet new people, or maybe those two played together somehow. And yet your face circulated his mind more frequently, more demanding throughout the duration of the party. He tried to ignore it, moving his body from corner to corner, occasionally chatting with people who seemed familiar, daring himself onto the dance floor once or twice. All of it without managing to fully ignore it, ignore you.

He’d love to have an actual drink right now. Actual spirit that would kick him off his feet, actual alcohol that would burn down his throat and set dizziness to his brain. But Jeongin was surely getting drunk already, and he and Hyunjin needed a driver to reach back home. Hyunjin might hate being the driver more than the actual parties altogether, if he thought about it. So instead, he poured himself a cup of Coke when he reached the bar – not without shoving people left and right with his elbows, the word personal space was an unknown one to drunken crowds – and started to inspect from there, from a new location. Hyunjin registered additional noise, turning his head to see the setup of a karaoke bar in one corner of the house. The singing was horrible, but it put a grin on Hyunjin's face. It was strangely calming to watch people be themselves, to watch humans being humans. He let his gaze fly over the ocean of heads, and the smile didn’t fade his lips. All was loud and bright, chaotic and messy.

And then, without a chance for Hyunjin to prepare himself, without a possible warning to his heart – he saw you, and it was quiet from one moment to the other. As though an illusion first, a hallucination.

He blinked once, twice, a third time. Because he couldn’t believe his eyes, because they surely had to play a joke on him. Because it couldn’t be possible that you were standing – dancing – before him, in flesh and bones, in a dress that hugged your figure so nicely, in carefully prepared hair and make up. Looking as pretty as he remembered you to be, if not prettier. And a smile adorned Hyunjin’s face, because his heart grew easier, because the choked up feeling he’s had from the moment of setting foot into this place dissipated. Because somehow you seemed so easy to grasp now, so easy to approach. Because somehow love felt so near to grasp now, not far to approach.

Until he saw another man dancing behind you.

Hyunjin didn’t see him at first, needed one, two seconds to grasp the situation fully. He checked if it really was you – but it had to be, he remembered your every future, he could tell you in his dreams if he had to – and behind you, closely, too closely for Hyunjin’s liking, another man, his hands on your hips, looking too intimate, too loving to be a mere stranger.

Fuck.

The high he had felt periodically was replaced with a low so deep that he feared tears might swell past his eyes, hot and thick ones, ones that showed frustration, maybe anger. Though he wouldn’t possibly cry at a place like this, would search for the bathroom, at best. Yet he couldn’t get his eyes off you. Even if he wanted to be on the lookout for the bathroom, even if tears of seeming lost love did stream down his face and wet his shirt, with the crowd looking him up and down and up again, wondering who the guy was who stood occupying the bar with puffed up eyes and swollen lids – he wouldn’t, couldn’t possibly back away from the sight of you, the rest of his surroundings appearing only through milked glass.

So Hyunjin kept his spot, not a single muscle of his able to move, seemingly. He leaned against the counter, red cup still in hand, the dark and sparkling drink in it long forgotten. What were the odds to see you at this party, on this night, in this house? Who were you a friend of, who was the man behind you, why did it pain him so much to see you dancing with him, so sensually atop, was it any serious with him, or did Hyunjin have a chance, to go up and talk to you, if he tried enough? How were you looking so effortless, hips swaying to the music, heels high yet kept balance, dress looking uncomfortable yet kept composure? Questions. And nothing other than.

If Hyunjin had to, he wouldn’t possibly be able to describe you, the whole of you. You possessed an aura that seemed to be your very own, that seemed to be so captivating Hyunjin felt as though in trance, when his eyes glided your figure, took the real of you in. Or maybe that’s how only he felt about you, and maybe only due to the single reason of having had you live in his mind relentlessly for weeks prior. If he thought about it he still couldn’t believe the coincidence; the man you were dancing with or not, he was looking at you, in flesh and bones, and it eased his heavy heart to a minimum.

Hyunjin must have been staring too long – or too intensive –, or maybe you simply felt a gaze upon you, felt someone else’s eyes on your body. You looked up, head that was thrown back onto the man’s shoulder moments before was now turning, as though looking for something. Someone.

And Hyunjin didn’t want to back away. He could, easily so. Could avert his eyes elsewhere, could hide from you, could risk to never see you again, spare himself of the embarrassment of being caught looking, at a girl seemingly taken.

But he didn’t. Because a voice told him you’d remember him too, told him that you haven’t been able to forget him as well, that he has been on your mind as much – as persistent – as you were on his the past weeks. That maybe, just maybe, if he kept his eyes on you, if he tried luring you in with his thoughts that you couldn’t possibly read but maybe could after all, that maybe if you heard his calls you would make your way to Hyunjin and dance with him instead. Or talk with him. Or laugh with him. Or do nothing with him at all. Simply be. But with him.

And then your eyes met his. Found what they were searching for, it seemed, because they fixed with his own ones and Hyunjin knew that you knew. Must have, that you recognized him, that you felt the same rush through your body. Similar to when you have first locked eyes, a feeling so all intaking it was knocking the both of you out of your breath. Because you also stopped moving, also sucked in a breath, also stared, and only stared. Unable to move.

None of you did anything, for how long you weren’t sure. You had stopped dancing, only standing, body turned fully to Hyunjin. The both of you stared away with big eyes, surprise and something like anticipation laced behind your lids, curiosity, and you didn’t go as far as letting your gazes wander across each other’s bodies. It was eye to eye, and the rest of the world stopped for a stretched out second, while you were trying to sort your thoughts, think of next actions, make sense of the situation altogether. If it was real at all, if the other was thinking the same, if both of you were delusional simply, and far too hopeless, pathetic. If both of you needed a slap back to reality. Because you didn’t know each other, and you had come with another man. And because Hyunjin wasn’t one to start conversations easily, and that you surely would send him off if he came even close to you.

Until you noticed the man behind you over your shoulder, speaking words to you Hyunjin couldn’t understand, until the man had his eyes on Hyunjin as well, for only a second, to check where – who – your eyes were fixed on. And then the man stood before you, blocking Hyunjin’s view to you, but he saw your arms behind his figure, expressive, as though proving a point. Of course; you’ve been staring at another man, your boyfriend’s madness – if he was one, a boyfriend, and if it was any, madness – nothing but understandable.

And yet, you had been staring. Boyfriend or not, madness or something else, the man you had danced with had seemed an important one, a close one, and yet you had been staring at Hyunjin, stopped dancing for it. For him. And it might make him an asshole, but joy filled his veins. The high he first felt when he had laid eyes on you crawled back, because he hadn’t left you cold, as you haven’t left him unbothered, not possibly. If it was curiosity, interest, something different altogether – you had been staring. At him.

|||

The moment you locked eyes with him your world seemed to crumble. Feeling as though the floor beneath you fell apart, as though the sky tore open above you and sent heavy storms right to where you stood, Chan still behind you, not noticing your startled antics at first. It wasn’t possible, couldn’t be. Though, if you really thought about it – it was a big party, only a house party yet a big one, and the odds that he was a friend of a friend wasn’t hard to imagine. And yet it was strange, oddly confusing. Maybe not to see him in general, but to see him here, out of all places. Because tonight was supposed to provide an opportunity to forget – forget him and any other nuisance you needed desperately to forget. And having him here now, standing mere feet away from you, leaned against the counter of the bar so pretendingly careless, a physical reminder of the man that had only lived in your head for weeks – it was strange, oddly confusing.

And then your view was blocked, and Chan’s chest was in your direct vision.

“Babe, you good? Do you know him?”

You wanted to scream, shove Chan out of the way, run and reach the stranger you’ve felt so pulled to, so connected to. You wanted to tell Chan everything, spill your hearts out to him, admit to him every of your secrets you’ve been holding onto within yourself. You were ready to give him up right now, and the thought itself was so utterly stupid that it took you a step back, from Chan, from the stranger whom you hoped was still standing there, would still be standing there for the rest of the night, would maybe even come up and talk to you. You looked up at your boyfriend – oh how you hated that word – and didn’t make a sound, didn’t deny nor confirm his question. Because even if you did say something, even if you did spill your hearts out; you weren’t cheating, not physically nor emotionally. Saying you knew the man would be a lie, saying you didn’t would be one either. Nothing you could say would be appropriate, and it frustrated you. Hurt you, because everything you’d say would hurt Chan, either way.

And the night had been going so well, before he made presence in your vision. Chan hadn’t been the happiest to be dragged to a party, needed a lot of convincing to even start to consider a night out. But you had collected yourself, had sat him down and had talked, for hours. Had talked more than you have in ages, had cried together and promised each other that you’d be trying, from now on, trying harder and more passionately to fix the broken parts in your relationship. And the party had been fun, eventually. Chan had agreed to have a drink, the alcohol – and the lack of familiarisation to it – had him tipsy fast, and it was calming, to have seen him so careless. And you had danced, long and much, and you had kissed, slow and fast, and you had held each other for the whole night being. It was refreshing, it felt like old times, it felt like love for the first time in forever.

Until there’d been a shift in the atmosphere, until his face started flickering before your eyes, and you’d had the urge to pull your brains out. The air had started to feel thick, suffocating in a way it shouldn’t be pleasurable but was, nevertheless. But you had promised, to Chan and yourself, so you hadn’t paid attention.

Until you had seen him. And all the promises, all the talk and the crying, any effort you had been ready to make seemed like vanities, felt null.

“Y/N, answer me. Do you know this guy? Who the fuck is he?”

A slap back to reality, and your brain started working again. Back to your helplessness, because Chan’s question wasn’t a ‘no’ or ‘yes’ question, not in this situation. And again, both answers – if you did decide for the short version – would hurt him. Because eyeing a stranger must be as painful as staring down another man you knew.  

“No, I don’t. I don't know who he is.”

Your voice felt weak, nevertheless you screamed against the music, hoping Chan would overhear the shakiness in your words. Your boyfriend eyed you up and down, and his head turned for a split second, likely checking if the stranger was still looking. You hoped to God he wouldn’t. Or maybe you hoped he would.

“Then why the hell is he staring you down?” Chan’s eyes were on yours again, and your face heated up. In anger and frustration, or in fear, you weren’t too sure. You were angry that Chan couldn’t just let it go, didn’t believe you right away, angry at the stranger for appearing here, now, tonight out of all nights, and for further staring at you, despite seeing you with another man; and you were frustrated, because in that moment you didn’t want to be with another man, wanted to be with the stranger. And you were scared that Chan might read you, your thoughts that you have kept secret from him desperately.

“How should I know why he’s staring me down, he’s weird!? Why are you attacking me for it?”

You lashed out, unwanted, and it took you another step back. You needed to get out of here, get some fresh air, clear your head. The alcohol in your system didn’t make your situation any easier.

Another look of your boyfriend over his shoulder, and back to you. You didn’t want to fight, not in a place like this, not before the stranger, not while neither you nor Chan were fully aware of your actions, your words. You’ve had far too much to drink for arguments. You sighed; you debated simply leaving the situation, fleeing to the bathroom or the balcony, though that would give Chan a valid reason to suspect you, to bombard you with more questions about the stranger you didn’t know anything about, in all honesty. You knew you wouldn’t be lying to Chan, yet it would feel wrong to say that there was nothing at all, no secrets and no strangers that held more importance than they should be holding. You wouldn’t be truthful, and you didn’t want to lie to him.

“Alright, let’s go out for a bit and talk, yeah? Get some fresh air… come on.”

You weren’t in the mood to talk, nor in the mood to be with your boyfriend, but Chan must have seen your defeat, noticed your change in behaviour. Or maybe he had similar thoughts to you, maybe he simply didn’t want to cause a scene, in the midst of a dancing crowd that was suddenly far too loud for either of your liking, and Chan took you by the hand and dragged you with him, gen balcony, towards easement, and away from the stranger.

|||

He was panicking, looking for Jeongin in the middle of drunken faces and flashing lights, until he finally saw the pink haired man, standing in a circle of friends, red cup in hand, looking careles, and eyes blown out in intoxication. Hyunjin had to know. He needed to know who you were, what you were doing at this party. And, since he hasn’t seen you in a while, if you hadn’t gone home already. Not that Hyunjin had a plan, not that he had the courage to talk to you. But a desperate voice in him, a desperate and urgent pulling forbid him to stay and do nothing, at all. He could do as little as ask who you were, because Hyunjin wouldn’t forgive himself ceasing the moment altogether. And he knew it was pathetic, but love has never felt so close to him. Has never felt like he would let it slip through his fingertips if he didn’t act on it now, felt like he needed to make an effort, because the result would turn out for the best. He wasn’t one to believe much in destiny, but whatever spell you have put him under when you first crossed paths felt too inhumane to simply ignore. To simply brush off as dumb, and naïve.

When Hyunjin finally reached the younger friend, he was greeted by the strangers around him, and it took him everything to keep his calm and say a quick hello to the round, before dragging Jeongin with him, away from listeners, but if others could hear wasn’t really all that important to Hyunjin, not really. Only thing he needed to know was if Jeongin knew, if he could help him out of Hyunjin’s self-proclaimed misery.

“What’s up with you, you look like you’ve seen a demon. You good?”

The man took another sip from his cup; under different circumstances Hyunjin would have warned him to start taking it slowly, would have reminded Jeongin of his tolerance, though tonight Hyunjin couldn’t care less whether his friend woke up with a hangover the next morning or not. The only thing on his mind tonight was you.

“Listen, this girl I told you about, the one I’ve seen in the store, two weeks back-“

Hyunjin’s words a waterfall, but Jeongin rolled his eyes, annoyed, interrupting.

“Bro don’t start with that, c’mon. You came here to meet new people, didn’t you? Mix yourself into the crowd and-“

Hyunjin grew impatient.

“No, no, no, you don’t get me, she –. She’s here. Tonight. She’s here at this party, I saw her dancing.”

A look around the room from his friend, though Jeongin couldn’t possibly know your face. His mouth agape, his eyes wide as he locked them again with Hyunjin’s. Lips opening and closing as to say something yet being indecisive, perplexed, and Hyunjin’s gaze was one of impatient anticipation to hear Jeongin’s next words. Maybe he had a plan, and knew what to do. And he hoped to God he wouldn’t advise Hyunjin to just let it go.

“Wait… for real? She’s…-“, a moment of debating from his side, and Hyunjin could see the cogs in his head twirling, “bro then why are you talking with me, go up and talk to her! Ask her to dance or something?!”

Jeongin would have had a point, surely, if the situation wasn’t more complex than this. And his face dropped when Hyunjin told him about the whole encounter, about the other man, a presumable boyfriend, and that he simply needed to find out who you were; where you came from, what you were doing at this party, who you were invited by. For whatever purpose Hyunjin wasn’t too sure himself – he knew he didn’t have a chance, and he wasn’t one to pursue a person taken. Nor was he one to be persistent where it wasn’t welcomed, knowing to keep his distance wherever needed. And yet he simply needed to know. For his own satisfaction, maybe without any twisted intentions at all. It’d justly kill him if he kept wandering in the hidden, in the unknown. It’d justly ease his mind if he knew about you at best, though it would never be enough to ease his soul. But it had to be enough, for now.

“I don’t know man, you could ask Seungmin, it’s his party, he invited most people here. He might know her, or her boyfriend… if he is one.”, a concerned look from his friend, and then he spoke again, “You won’t do anything stupid, though, right? If he is her boyfriend, you forget her, yeah? I don’t care if you think it’s soulmate shit, if she’s taken you back off, don’t be an ass.”

It was almost humiliating what Jeongin thought Hyunjin to be capable of; yet only after a vocal reassurance did his friend let go of the matter, and promised Hyunjin to help looking for her.

But the man felt hopeless. Hyunjin felt defeated, frustrated. Angry, with himself. Angry that he ended up building expectations, angry that everything he told himself not to do – imagine things, let his mind go, fix his heart on only the image of a person – he ended up falling into the rabbit hole, nevertheless. Because it was a fact that he hadn’t known you, not enough to fixate on you, not enough to be sure you’d be available, ready, wanting to date if he only asked you. He could believe in soulmates and destined connections and found love all he wanted – it wasn’t the reality he lived in, and the sooner he got out of his head the healthier it’d turn out for him in the long run.

And in the flow of thoughts, in the lostness of worries and guilt, he saw your figure, by the end of the room; without the man Hyunjin oh so despised without knowing him a bit. You simply stood there as though unsure of your next steps and actions, stood there and let your eyes wander across the crowd; as though looking for someone. And a flicker of hope within Hyunjin wanted him to be the one you were searching for.

And then your eyes locked with his. Similar to before, they have found their way to fix with his gaze, because maybe he was the one you were looking for, because maybe you have wanted to know as well, simply know, clarify. Or maybe because it was coincidence, maybe your eyes have not been looking for his in the first place; yet they stayed on his ones, if he was the one you’ve been searching for or not, they didn’t back away even when Hyunjin held the gaze, when he wasn’t the first to break the eye contact.

And then you started walking towards him. Not after a moment of hesitation, after a second of what seemed like debating. Your strut was rather unsure, almost frightened. Yet you were going, towards him surely, couldn’t have another destination than him. And Hyunjin could only wait. He grew nervous, by the second – because what was he supposed to say, do, possibly? Should he wave you a smile? You didn’t know each other well enough for that. Should he simply look at you, without a reaction on his face whatsoever? It might come off as rude. And for the nth time that he thought about you it seemed dumb, but while you were making your way throughout the place of the living room Hyunjin knew that you knew. That you were only walking up to him because the day at the store hasn’t let you go either, because maybe you were longing for a love similar to the one he’s been searching for all these years. Because maybe the word soulmate wasn’t one you would laugh about like most of his friends, because you’d surely relate and understand if he only uttered the words.

And then you stood before him. Eventually.

@doll4hoon @iwannabangchan @hwangful @whatudowhennooneseesyou @inkybird @asters-abditory @seungminluv3 @skzddicted @marslovescats @berryblog @beautifullywrecked-aeris @moonlightcandy00 @hyynee @nightrayseishina @199719932000 @shrub31201 @yoamimi @wednesdayswife @hyuneisbae @lovhyunj @ladytrbl @danyxthirstae01 @someoneinlovve @lili-kims-blog @rachagen @koorminii @good-soup3023 @shiru-chan @karaquestionable @blahbluhblahbluh @laryisthinking @knisterlicht @studyingthemind @ppiri-bahng @septicrebel @gimmemoredoritos @midsoulz @foivetimesacharm @daceyena @yoonguurt @lovingeaglepeanut

[berrypass-de-murdler]

2 - 5 Death on the Low Seas

Things are... very difficult internally but this series is keeping me going somewhat, so I'm still at it lol

Ngl limiting myself to one case a day is slightly torture but it helps me focus on writing and I look forward to it every night

um... I'm just looking for people to talk to (not even to vent necessarily, I also love to rant about murdle and I just need company) so if anyone is willing to reach out, that would help a lot <3

DON'T READ THE EPISODES WITHOUT READING THE BOOKS!!

Logico takes a boat to the Violet Isles - with, of course, Admiral Navy as the captain. 

LOGICO: I guess I should be used to these teleporting suspects by now.

Some others are headed to the isles as well, namely the Duchess of Vermillion and 

U. MIDNIGHT: UNCLE MIDNIIIIIGHT!!

He picks up and noogies Logico.

LOGICO: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!! DUCHESS: My diamond is missing a necklace. I mean, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!  LOGICO: FINE, I’ll look for it… although it’s not the most engaging mystery in the world.

First, Logico stumbles across the deck. No diamonds there! But there is the least threatening Midnight.

U. MIDNIGHT: Heheuhueh, I can see my house from here! LOGICO: That’s not YOUR house! That’s the VIOLET MANOR!  NAVY: No… we’re not there yet either.

Benjamin is leaning so far over the edge, Logico so badly wants to push him into the ocean. But he has a job to do.

DUCHESS: Found my diamond yet? LOGICO: NO, I’m still LOOKING. 

He gets a text from Irratino. “You never find a railing without a piece of dead fish.” He stares at it for a long time and firmly believes that these messages no longer have any meaning. 

DUCHESS: WHILE he’s busy… [encroaches on Navy] what are you up to after… suppertime? NAVY: Um… DUCHESS: [creepily massages his shoulders] What say we try something new for dessert?  NAVY: UM…

She entwines her tail with his. He gets so uncomfortable, he jumps overboard! AGAIN! Thank goodness he’s rescued by an adorable shark. 

U. MIDNIGHT: Pffffffhuhuhuhuh. He’s like, a seal, and he can’t even swim! LOGICO: You didn’t happen to find a diamond in the water, per chance? NAVY: [coughs up a sardine] No…

Logico takes him to the bedroom to lie down. Above the bed, there’s a painting of a nightmarish deer-like creature, stained with fear.

NAVY: Lord Violet.  LOGICO: N- THAT’S Lord Violet? NAVY: Yes… he once had a butler who was his best friend, whom he’d do anything for. But one day, that butler was murdered. Lord Violet took it upon himself to find the murderer… LOGICO: What happened? NAVY: He tracked down the killer for a month, until he finally found their location. And when he did, he speared them alive with his horns.

Logico tenses. That seems weirdly gruesome, even though he faces crimes just as bad on a literal daily basis. There’s no time to think about that, though, because he found the Duchess’ lost diamond! Except it’s right on top of a body…

LOGICO: I knew there couldn’t be a trip without a murder! DUCHESS!!! DUCHESS: UGH!! That bitch tried to expose my affair with Admiral Navy, I HAD to kill them! Now thanks to you, Deductive Logico, it will be revealed anyway! Therefore, I GO! 

She jumps into the ocean (man, it’s happening a lot). Being the queen of fish, she disappears into the deep. I wonder if she’ll find Dr. Crimson?

LOGICO: Like she even needed a boat in the first place!

Ben and Navy are distracted, because they’re finally approaching Violet Manor. It’s a gorgeous, intimidating silhouette in the fog, just right for a dramatic reveal. The three stare, mesmerized… Then Uncle Midnight vomits over the edge. (Alcohol poisoning.)

The end!

The murdle rp is so funny help they all look so stupid

It's like gacha but worse

Maybe it's not worse. I can't tell anymore

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[fox-physicality]

Lmao vent of some kind ignore the fact I just remembered this blog exists bc if I don't yap about it I'll start spiraling, methinks

cw / tw for

Anatomical wording of genitalia

Mentions of transphobia

Mentions of fetishizing / fear of being perceived as fetishizing

Mentions of cringe culture

I'm starting to feel more "comfortable" in my identity as someone who, while being genderfluid, also identifies as being simultaneously man and woman all the time.

But at the same time, I think I might be hitting a weird impass that isn't necessarily as big as my brain is making it out to be, yet still feels big, so 😭

I've been looking at my gender and how I would make my body layout if there were no restrictions due to current medical abilities and I've started looking at sexuality as a factor in how I would want things to be.

I've known I wanted both a penis and vagina for a while, a knotted one (holothere moment), but at the same time, I can't help but feel like looking at sexuality at all for these things is like me fetishizing my own transness?

Realistically, I know that sex isn't that surprising of a thing to take into consideration for things like transitions, but at the same time, I feel like being trans is always so disconnected from sexuality as an attempt to disprove transphobes views of "trans people are just fetishizing [women/men]! It's a crossdressing fetish and nothing more!" to the point it feels like looking at my transness through any sexual light is going to bring the validity of my identity down.

I think also I worry that my desiring both sets of genitalia and looking at it with the context of sexuality in mind might come off as fetishizing intersex people. Especially since, for a lot of perisex people, I think if you were to ask them what being intersex is, they would most likely reply "having both private parts" even though that's not entirely true, and there are a wide array of conditions that fall under being intersex that have nothing to do with physical genitalia.

I already know my being transspecies as well is, to a lot of people, a mockery of "real trans people," but it feels like even just this, without mentioning wanting ears and tails, is still "too much" to be grounded in reality enough for people to ever really see it as something that isn't just fodder for cringe compilations

I don't really know if this has any real point it's working towards, I mostly just want to get this all off my chest and I guess if people comment on it, then people comment on it? I think I'll probably just cut it off here because I know I've already yapped enough.

[olavored]

I had an absolute shitstorm of a day today, spent most of the day on bed just wandering in my mind. But I wanted to do something productive, so I tuned on some Beatles tunes and just... drew. I didn't even necessarily think of anything when drawing, I just... wanted to create something with my feelings. I guess this is supposed to be some kind of plant, but I didn't think of one in specific, I just moved my brush to where my heart desired. Maybe this is what people call synesthesia, maybe I can consider this vent art, since it was created to put my emotions on the paper, well, screen. I decided to name this piece "Optimism" in hopes that things will get better. Every single detail in here has a meaning. Maybe not a meaning that can be described in words, but no part of this is meaningless.

[rweoutofthewoods]

can you talk more about your own experience with bpd in relation to james and regulus in the fics you write? sorry if that was confusing i can’t figure out how to word the question better

Okay I THINK (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) that you mean like how similar they are to real life/if any of it is directly my experience? (plus how it might differ?)

I try to be careful in not making my characters me, so generally the things I pull directly from my own experience are the emotions and thoughts behind it all, which I think are the important part because that's the one thing someone without BPD might have a harder time replicating. You know, the thing you might not be able to nail by doing research or googling symptoms is how it actually feels to live with BPD.

So some of it is pretty universal in borderline, and I know it because I've lived it, but I'm also not writing my own life. THOUGH I am trying to write a realistic depiction, if that makes sense. I follow a lot of creators with BPD, I have friends with BPD, and have spent a lot of time on BPD subreddits so I try to take my experiences as well as those around me and things I've learned from others to paint a better picture of BPD. For example, the one BPD symptom I've rarely experienced is dissociation but I've still tried my best to include it in owcm because other people do experience it, even if I don't. Because the thing is you need 5 out of 9 symptoms to be diagnosed which means not everyone with BPD will experience all of them. So everyone's experience is unique, and my depiction is furthered by what I know, but I try not to LIMIT it to that. Some tiktok accounts I think do a good job on BPD are this and this one if anyone wants to learn more outside of me.

Since it develops as you get older, this is why in my depiction of BPD I write my characters as adults. I personally, noticed my life was being detrimentally affected around 18-19, but I've struggled with mental health since I was 12. And since BPD is largely caused by trauma, it's not like it's smooth sailing your entire life and then suddenly you turn 18 and boom, you have BPD. There are distinct environments and feelings you might have as a child that lead to it becoming BPD. So like in ppp, James always felt like there was something wrong with him as long as he could remember, but it didn't REALLY come to a head until he was an adult. And there were a few parts in Monty's POV in ppp about James' mental health as an adolescent that were similar to my experience, but not exactly the same. Here's a video I think does a really good job of explaining the possible kind of childhood circumstances and how it manifests later in life.

Something of my own experience I've never put in my fics (because I'm very sensitive and careful with this topic) is that BPD can be comorbid with other disorders/illnesses. I don't bring up my other stuff here bc I think it's more likely to be harmful and triggering than helpful or educational, BUT a lot of people with BPD have other burdens as well whether this is another disorder or substance abuse, etc. And that's something I haven't really touched on before, because of course, I am aware that my writing is being consumed by people and as honest as I want to be, I also want to limit potential harm. So my depiction is a little affected by that awareness.

I have a short oneshot (and pretty shitty, sorry.... it was a vent I wrote in like an hour) about BPD james from spring. That one, just because it was just a one-time, throw-it-out-there kind of fic, does come from a lot of my own experiences. There's a few scenes that actually happened to me in there, but I don't/haven't done that in ppp or owcm.

So I guess in short, everything I write about BPD James and Reg are real, but it's not always necessarily my personal experience. The feelings, thoughts, and reactions however, are pretty universal, and even if the events may not be real, they mirror the kind of things that WOULD cause those emotions and reactions. I HOPE this answers your question and I'm understanding it correctly <33

Much love xx

[thehollowwriter]

📚🔺🐉💚🍔🤒

All for Silas!

(Still not done sending these 😈)

I'm excited to see more!

📚 BOOKS — What level of education has your oc most recently completed/is currently in (GED, undergraduate, grad school, phd, etc)?

Absolutely none. At all. Ever. At least not "formally" or "officially." He grew up in the Abyss, and there certainly aren't school down there.

Lady Rhoda taught him how to read, write and do math as well history and biology (sex ed at 20 something is better late than never,right?), but he already had steady income, so there was no need for trying "formal" education. He does research things on his own since he doesn't like not knowing things and having that used against him, though.

🔺 RED TRIANGLE POINTED UP — Does your oc know how to use any weapons?

Silas most certainly does! While he mainly uses magic as his weapon, he knows how to use spears, harpoons, knives, and probably swords if you give him one. I feel if guns could actually work under the sea, he'll be able to use one. Also, a fun fact from Silas: seaweed can, in fact, be used to strangle if you use it right.

🐉 DRAGON — What is your oc's favourite mythical creature?

I'd say Sirens from Greek Mythos. He finds them fascinating. It does annoy him that so many think these half bird half women creatures look like merpeople, including the mer people. It's probably the first thing he'll infodump about. Finn has heard his rants about the many misconceptions about Sirens hundreds of times.

🍔 HAMBURGER — Is your oc good at cooking? are they good at baking? which one do they prefer?

Silas is good at cooking! Though he technically can't "cook" anything since they're underwater? But I like to imagine there are heated air vents on his property he can go to cook something, though usually it's just not worth the trip when there are many raw dishes like stuffed crab, seaweed wraps, etc that he can make.

Baking involves cooking in dry heat without exposure to flame, usually in an oven (hah! I learned that in Hospitality), so I guess he could do it in those air pockets and mini volcanoes? But it's far from house and not worth the trip, though maybe he will "bake" on special occasions. He likes it and is good it at it. He prefers cooking, though.

🤒 FACE WITH THERMOMETER — Does your oc get sick easily?

Okie angst time

Hah! Nope! He used to get sick a lot as a child, then (and kinda now too, actually...) he was just sickly because of how malnourished he was. His immune system is something else, truly, as he's been exposed to so many sicknesses and infections it'll leave doctors confounded. It's difficult for him to get sick. Well... though it wasn't necessarily an illness, he gave himself "refeeding syndrome" by trying to make up for what he was lacking when he finally had steady access to food.

Refeeding syndrome is when someone malnourished or starved suddenly begins eating again, and the quick introduction of foods can cause problems and even be fatal. This is why it's best to have the process of healing from starvation overseen by a qualified medical professionals.

Now Silas didn't trust doctors at the time, so he never went to one, but what he did do was simply go back to eating the same amount of food he used to so he didn't keep throwing up and getting sick. Morrigan eventually forced him to go to a hospital. (Silas was horrified when he learned what a feeding tube was)

Tagging: @distant-velleity @kitwasnothere @the-banana-0verlord @cyanide-latte @cynthinesia @jovieinramshackle @skrimpyskimpy for Silas lore hehe

[cboffshore]

Sorrow Is All The Rage: A (Relatively) Brief Update

No special trigger warnings apply beyond those in previous parts of this essay. If you have not read those yet, here are links to Part One and Part Two, which are necessary parts of the following essay.

Welcome back to the break room.

It's quiet here today - everyone is off celebrating the office's founding anniversary. There's the usual stuff on the table: half full packs of napkins, extra plastic cutlery, backup packs of soda, and one dead canary.

Next to the birdcage - containing, of course, the usual black-inked brown paper shroud - is a little note: we've moved the party to the courtyard! come join us for some special fun as we celebrate another year!

Okay. Why don't you step outside, then?

So you do. You step into the sun, the breeze, and for a few minutes, things are fine! While you're sipping a small glass of punch, you think, huh. Not sure why they'd put the birdcage in the break room if everyone is out here, but maybe this'll just be a normal -

A glint catches your eye from down the lawn. You hear wings flapping from the same direction, surrounded by the din of a group of people and... cheers. The person who told you that canary was dead all along slips into the circle, holding what you think is a knife glaring in the daylight.

You don't even bother to fact check that. Based on the familiar faces of the dead canary enjoyers standing there, and the rising cheers and the wings beating like petals against a palm, well. You can guess what's about to happen, and you know you can't take it, so back inside you go, and once again you wonder: why are you so bothered about it?

From your cubicle window, you watch other people shuffle away from the corner where the canary waits to die yet again. Clearly, you're not the only one upset. And clearly, it's not against the rules here - they're doing it at a company party! There are managers in there, people you trust, watching and cheering as the thing you feared happens - at least, as near as you can tell from this distance.

You knew it was coming. They didn't hide it. You followed the signs right in, hoping.

So why does it still hurt?

----------------

Before I get into this properly, a disclaimer, because I wasn't clear enough last time I updated this essay: this is not an attack on the author of when you think you're all alone, the fic that I'm talking about here. It is also not an attack on the fic itself.

I repeat: I mean no harm. I mean no insult. This is me venting, which is why it may come off sharp at times. At most, this is criticism - not necessarily constructive, but also not meant as a personal attack. I am examining the scene as a whole and feel the need to update my stance on WYTYAA after its most recent update, because I feel that this fic occupies a very important spot in the scene, and I would be remiss not to make that clear.

One more time: This is a vent. This is not an attack.

Before I continue, kindly answer this comprehension check:

Excellent. If you selected YES, please DM me and explain your answer, if you're so inclined.

Anyway: this essay won't be anywhere near as long as the previous sections. I wrote it on my phone over the course of a few hours, because if I dwell on this too long, I fear I'll get impossibly nasty. However, in the wake of the latest WYTYAA update on January 14, I want to update and clarify my stance on the work as an analyst of the Skybound fic scene.

I will open by saying that I barely made it a quarter of the way into chapter seven before tapping out. The only reason I opened it at all and stepped into the courtyard, so to speak, was because I had heard that it would be Nya-centric. Given the usual balance of Nya-centric work, I thought that might mean a welcome change (and a distraction from the October retcon). Maybe, I thought, it would be fine.

To be fair: I don't think the author retconned in anything beyond mild SA for Nya. However, working my way into the outer edges of the chapter, I could feel my enthusiasm deflating - because I'd seen all the talking points before, in some form or another. The uncomfortable touches, the weirdly detailed fear of what Nadakhan might have done to Nya had the final battle failed, the night terrors. Well, at least it was Nya-centric -

And then there came the Jay angst. That's when I switched to scanning, which saved me precious time. It became obvious early on that somehow, chapter seven had managed to make the entire fic into the average of the entire SA trend I railed against in the previous parts of this essay. In the interest of not spoiling it for anyone who would like to go and read it themselves, I won't say anything, except for that it is exactly what you would expect from the comedown of a Jay SA Skybound work: night terrors and scars and flashbacks and team members throwing concerned comments and shades of therapy dog Nya. Any goodness I remember from the injured canary of the last segment went down like acid now that I could see what it built to.

I quit before I passed the three-quarters point on the scroll bar. If the October retcon was one nail in the coffin, chapter seven was a whole hardware store poured on my head.

In short: no longer worth my reader's time. It solidified so much of what disappoints me about the Skybound fic scene and the runaway fanonization of Jay's suffering.

That's why I'm writing this:to tell you that I have made the decision to leave WYTYAA in the rearview. I will not be reading the finale, whatever that may entail. I have already deleted my bookmarks.

In the previous essay section, I labeled WYTYAA as a seminal piece of work in the scene. I still believe that it is an important piece of Skybound fanfiction. But now, I view its seminal status as an undergrad getting their general education credits would see the writings of Freud. If you've ever taken a psych course, you were probably handed something Freudian to study, then learned of the controversy around his works. Still, there was probably an important note in there: Freud's work itself is not something everyone agrees with, and in fact is rather flawed in hindsight, but his work is influential enough on the world of psychology to be a crucial lesson in Psychology 101.

Is WYTYAA essential reading to understand the scene as a whole? Yes, to a degree - it is at minimum a shortcut to understanding most of the trends and watching them in action. WYTYAA is relentless like that, and I do still admire the dedication it takes to write something that long and keep a reader base hooked. Read as a summary of the entire fic scene at once, this is an incredible work.

By no means am I presenting myself as the sole authority on this topic, by the way - but then again, nobody else I know has tried to do this sort of meta trend analysis in any capacity for this specific topic. So I'm stuck with me, and you are too, if you'd like to be.

And maybe you don't care, but I do. A lot.

In the wake of me giving up on the chapter, I opened Tumblr and was bombarded with excitement for the chapter, and praise for the angst capacity, and all sorts of things - the crowd reenacting the death of the canary at the company party. I saw Mondo's promotional post, which in past weeks I might have left a like on, but I just. Could. Not.

Now we're here.

What does it all mean?

Well, recently, the topic of SA insertion in Skybound has come up a lot. I've been part of some some incredible discussions; I've seen a few scuffles. It's died down some, with only minor flare-ups here and there. As much as I find discussing this topic and defending my stance thrilling, it's not honestly doing much. It's drawing lines, I think. The Tumblr courtyard feels tense these days whenever Skybound comes up.

So: with the decision to abandon my reading of WYTYAA, I've also decided I'm going to try and focus more on my own works - writing fic and analysis that work against the insane, unfair fanon trends. Even if nobody reads them, I will know that I have done my absolute best to influence the scene in my own small way. You'll probably still see me pop into the SA insertion discussion if it comes up, because I do feel strongly enough about it to keep fighting back.

But to protect my own sanity: I'm burning that birdcage down. I'm walking away from the company party corner. I'm not even going to bother checking back on WYTYAA, because there is no new shock left to find.

Challenge me, if you'd like. It's only fair. For now, though: I'm taking a breath at my desk.