#when everyone says being fat is the problem and losing weight is the solution

[magnus-and-the-dragon]

I’m 5 lbs away from being under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

[mariacallous]

A revolution in weight loss is apparently underway. It started in 2021, when the FDA approved the diabetes drug semaglutide for weight loss. The weekly injectable—sold under the brand name Wegovy—can help users lose 5 to 10 percent of their body weight, leading commentators to describe the drug as both a “medical breakthrough” and a “silver bullet” for obesity. Elon Musk says he’s taking it, Kim Kardashian is rumored to be using it, and everyone from Hollywood to the Hamptons reportedly wants a prescription. 

Soon, there will be a new weight loss medication on the block—and it’s even more potent than its peers. Last fall, the FDA fast-tracked the review process for using tirzepatide as a weight loss drug after a clinical trial showed that people with BMIs labeled “overweight” or “obese” lost a staggering 22.5 percent of their body weight on the highest dose. If all goes according to plan, that will make Mounjaro the latest in a fast-growing biomedical sector—spanning everything from bariatric surgery to deep brain stimulation for binge-eating—that aims to combat, if not cure, the problem of “excess” weight. 

For pharmaceutical companies, the race to market is financially motivated: Wegovy and Mounjaro cost more than $1,000 a month. Weight loss drugs are rarely covered by insurance, but people who can afford them have proven they’re willing to pay. And the market seems effectively limitless: Despite an ongoing “war on obesity,” more than 1.9 billion adults globally are considered overweight or obese, and the number of prospective users is growing every year. Now doctors—desperate to treat what is widely seen as an “obesity epidemic”—are coming on board. In January, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended such medications for kids as young as 12. 

The victorious narratives gilding drugs like Mounjaro are already being positioned as a direct challenge to fat activism. For decades, the movement has pushed for social and economic opportunity for people of all sizes through civil rights, fat pride and liberation, and biomedical evidence itself. Thanks to prominent voices like Audrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes, many people now know that “lifestyle changes” like calorie restriction and exercise fail to produce sustained weight loss for 97 percent of people and that many dieters end up gaining back more weight than they lost. But what happens to the strength of these arguments when a weight loss drug seems to work?

Like other purported weight loss solutions, Mounjaro promises “to fix weight stigma by making you thinner, instead of removing the stigma,” says Susanne Johnson, a fat activist and family nurse practitioner in Pennsylvania. In so doing, these drugs and surgeries further exacerbate anti-fat discrimination. Instead of criticizing people in larger bodies for their perceived lack of willpower—that old “calories in, calories out” adage—people can now blame those in bigger bodies for something more akin to a techno-pessimist, or even anti-science, stance: “Just take the miracle cure!” 

The history of the weight loss industry is more akin to prospecting for gold or investing in crypto than transplanting organs and developing antibiotics; less a story of scientific progress than an endless cycle of wild speculation, where boom inevitably gives way to bust. Fen-Phen was a miracle until it was linked to heart valve damage. Intermittent fasting was going to fix what caloric restriction couldn’t until researchers showed the two produce exactly the same results. And then there’s the complicated case of bariatric surgery.

From their inception in the 1950s, operations like gastric bypass (which reroutes food away from the stomach, inducing malabsorption) and gastric sleeve (which involves partially amputating the stomach so it holds less food and produces fewer hunger hormones) have been sold as a potential panacea, says Lisa Du Breuil, a clinical social worker at Massachusetts General Hospital. While fewer than 1 percent of people who qualify actually undergo bariatric surgery, those who do can lose up to 70 percent of their “excess” weight (or the weight above a BMI of 24.9). 

But Du Breuil, who specializes in eating disorders and substance abuse disorders, has seen some of the worst of bariatric’s side effects. People can develop dumping syndrome—wherein sugar-rich meals leave the stomach too quickly, causing sweating, dizziness, rapid heart rate, and vomiting. Gastric bypass in particular raises the risk of postoperative alcohol abuse. Rates of suicide and self-harming behaviors also rise in the years after bariatric surgery. And even when people follow strict post-operative diets, malnutrition, tooth loss, gout, and new or resurging eating disorders are possible. “It can be really challenging to get a full picture,” Du Breuil says. She learns about new side effects all the time.

Semaglutide and tirzepatide—both part of a larger family of GLP-1 receptor agonists—were developed for diabetes management at lower doses. When pharmaceutical companies noticed their trial participants were also losing weight, they realized “if we can turn the volume up to 11, we can really enhance this side effect,” says Johnson, the nurse. “That means you’re also turning up the other side effects.” 

The primary complaints from users of Ozempic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro sound like the kind of thing you can fix with a bottle (or three) of Pepto Bismol: nausea, upset stomach, diarrhea, and what one patient called “power vomiting.” But these might be less like classic “side effects” of a drug than a mechanism of weight loss itself, as The Guardian recently reported. By making the feeling of eating (and, in some cases, even hydrating) actively disgusting to the user, the drug curbs their consumption—similar to the experience of bariatric patients, who can only fit a few ounces of food in their stomachs at a time. 

The list of complications doesn’t end there. For example, both GLP-1 receptor agonists may increase the risk of thyroid cancer—one of the many BMI-linked diseases that supposedly makes weight loss absolutely imperative for people in larger bodies. And there’s good reason to believe that other side effects will reveal themselves in years to come, as the number of long-term users grows. 

The biggest surprise for many prospective patients is that long-term weight loss isn’t guaranteed—a reflection, perhaps, of the faulty assumption that people are obese because they overeat. Current estimates suggest that the average bariatric surgery patient regains 30 percent of the weight they lost in the 10 years after surgery. One in four regain all of their weight in that time. And 20 percent of people don’t respond to surgery in the first place. 

The same is true for GLP-1 receptor agonists: If you stop injecting, the weight returns. 

In case it wasn’t clear by now, biomedical weight loss interventions often mimic the deadly logic of anorexia, bulimia, or other forms of disordered eating, says Erin Harrop, a clinical social worker and researcher. Harrop would know. At the height of their own eating disorder, Harrop wished they could fill their stomach with air instead of food, or cut their stomach out, or wire their jaw shut. Later, they learned these things exist—in the form of gastric balloons, gastric sleeves, and even a magnetic jaw trap. 

It’s no surprise, then, that some people who undergo bariatric surgery experience a resurgence of a preexisting eating disorder, or develop a new one. Frequent vomiting, never knowing what foods will upset your stomach, and feeling pressure to maintain a post-surgical weight—“you can create an eating disorder that way,” Du Briel says.

But semaglutide and tirzepatide promise to fulfill an even stranger fantasy: eliminating appetite itself. While a drug like Mounjaro works on numerous fronts—including preventing the body from storing fat and “browning” existing adipose tissue—it’s the feeling of being untethered from desire that seems to fascinate patients and physicians alike. People for whom the drug works often say, “I forget to eat,” says Fatima Cody Stanford, an obesity medicine specialist at Massachusetts General Hospital’s Weight Center. 

If doctors really believe that obesity is the greater of any two evils, then this approach makes sense. When it comes to bariatric surgery, for example, a review of the medical literature suggests it is, on balance, associated with a reduction in all-cause mortality—or death of any cause*—*compared to patients with high BMIs who don’t go under the knife (though such studies are profoundly limited, as they often do not control for social factors, like income or education). Many hope that semaglutide and tirzepatide will one day prove just as vitalizing.

But eating disorders kill too. In many contexts, sustained hunger is considered a travesty. And desire—for food, or anything else—is a great way to know you’re alive. “It’s wild to me that we see no appetite as a positive thing,” says Shira Rosenbluth, an eating disorder therapist who works with people of all sizes. Anna Toonk agrees: “I realized that there are worse things than being fat,” she told The Cut last fall. “The worst thing you can be is wanting to barf all the time.” 

Ultimately, the proliferation of drugs like Mounjaro means medicine is not only in the business of dictating “normal” weights (a thing it still hasn’t quite figured out), but “normal” appetites. What was once an intuitive process, in which your body tells you what it needs, became a dictate under diet culture: You tell your body what it can have. Now medicine promises a radical reset: With the right drug, your body will hunger for nothing at all.

Weight loss technology can’t be stopped entirely—nor should it be. Everyone has the right to choose what they want to do with their bodies. But informed consent is built on information, and we may not have enough. Mounjaro was fast-tracked by the FDA based on studies designed to observe weight loss over just 72 weeks, a small fraction of the time real patients will be on the drug. At the very least, patients should be informed that in the first years after a drug hits the market, they are participants in an ongoing experiment. 

As biomedicine’s war on obesity continues, people must work harder to combat anti-fat bias—not on a technicality, but as part of the expansive vision of justice fat activists began articulating more than 50 years ago. For semaglutide, tirzepatide, bariatric surgery, and their ilk are neither miracles nor cures. There have always been fat people, and there always will be, whether they’re “non-responders” to treatment, refuseniks, or languishing on the waitlist. Notably, even those who experience dramatic weight loss after surgery or on injectables may still be overweight or obese, depending where they started. 

Perhaps most importantly, the American weight loss discourse must move away from a reflexive scientism, which has enabled biomedicine to subject the entirety of human experience to its single-minded scrutiny. Weight, like almost every aspect of embodiment, is not an exclusively biological phenomenon or a clear-cut medical “problem” to solve. It is shaped by countless factors, like power distribution in society, personal psychology, and that most frightening of forces: the desire for more.

If you or a loved one is struggling with an eating disorder, the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline is available at (800) 931-2237.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thanks for answering my previous ask!

I have nobody to share this with so hopefully you won't mind me sharing it here: So far, recovery has been going pretty ok for me. For now, I'm avoiding the mirror and I shower with the lights off, and those are behaviours I'll have to work on one day too but for now it seems to be the best course of action, because seeing myself in the mirror would most likely cause me to relapse. Especially since I know for a fact that I'm totally bloated right now, so whatever I'd see in the mirror wouldn't even be an accurate reflection, but my disordered mind wouldn't listen to that.

I'm currently going through the dreaded extreme hunger phase, which is partly why I'm so bloated lol. For the first few days I've been alright with it but it's like the 4th day of my mind and stomach both screaming for food like vultures and tbh I'm starting to feel kinda guilty about it. I realise that it's a part of the process and that it's good for my organism and that my body is trying to repair itself, but my ED is slowly rearing its ugly head and scolding me a ton, saying that I'll gain weight, trying to convince me to look in the mirror, etc. So far I've been able to resist and I also keep reminding myself that I SHOULD gain weight because I've been horrfically underweight all of my life and I'd be much better off at a healthy weight. The only problem that keeps weighing on me is that I have a really big issue with folds. Even though folds are completely normal and everyone who's not very underweight has them when they slouch or sit, my mind has somehow become convinced that rolls mean being fat. I'm not sure how to get rid of that mentality. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Another thing I found out is that I might have to give up romantic relationships for the time being. Even though I've struggled with anorexia for most of my life, going through on and off phases, my last relapse and the worst I've ever had occurred after I got into a relationship. Specifically it seems that a lot of my behaviour hinges on the obsession with being "perfect" for my partner. I can't let go of thinking about needing to be as thin and hourglass-shaped as possible for my partner, and I can't let go of the fear that if I get to a normal weight and perhaps lose some of that hourglass look, he won't find me attractive anymore and will leave me. I'm like constantly horrified of the possibility of being seen naked or in tight clothes, I'm plagued by the desire to be as attractive to him as possible and then to stay exactly like that for as long as possible. I attempted to talk to him about it before considering breaking up, but he made it clear that he doesn't wish to discuss my mental health problems with me, and as much as I'd like to, I can't just turn this problem off with a flip of a switch. So I decided that I'll most likely break my relationship off and stop dating altogether until I manage t somehow fix my chain of thought. At least I personally think that's the best solution for now.

I definitely don't mind you sharing! I usually do post things my followers choose to share, since I think it can really help create solidarity among the ED community. It can show others that they are not alone, and sharing recovery tips is always a plus too!

It seems like you've got some great harm reduction strategies in place in the form of avoiding scrutinizing your body while you prioritize getting regular nutrients into you again. That's really important. I think you're right that you will eventually have to learn to be able to view your body again, but if you just need to avoid visual triggers in order to eat better, that definitely comes first. You might want to practice just falling in love with your body exactly as it is - as the vessel that is doing its best to take care of you and keep you alive.

So, for example, if you did catch a glimpse of yourself and you happened to notice some recovery bloat or other triggers, you could take time to say to yourself, "That is my body doing what it needs to do to heal me. My body is trying its best to make me healthy and well, and this is what it needs to do." I think body image issues are something shared by all people who are going through health issues, since bodies do tend to do weird stuff while they're healing. Illness is only pretty on TV, not in real life.

Maybe when your ED is scolding you, you can take some time to examine where those thoughts are coming from? Like you could say "I wonder if I should be scolded for enjoying my food as humans do?" Or "I don't think it's such a bad thing to allow my body to heal." Don't try to fight the thoughts or stop them from coming, even though they're hard. Just gently challenge those thought patterns so that you can adjust your thought patterns gradually and become more aware of them. This is what I'd suggest especially when you start thinking about things like rolls, which seem to be a big trigger for you. You can perhaps engage with the thought directly, and say things to yourself like "If I need to hurt myself to pursue a roll-free body, is that something really worth pursuing?" Keep in mind that, since you're deep in ED thoughts, your mind might respond with "yes." As I mentioned before, trying to fight off negative thoughts will only give you more anxiety around them. Instead, acknowledge them, consider what feelings are causing them. The negative thoughts will not change overnight. It will take practice.

I'd also suggest, and this may take practice since it sounds like you've struggled with fear of fatness for a long time, that you just take a moment, when you have the capacity for it, to address how you have learned to think about fat bodies. Do people who are truly fat deserve less love, less respect, less estimation of worth? Society may have taught you that they do, but I think it's time to challenge that. Again, your mentality won't change overnight, so don't beat yourself up.

Lastly, I think it's so, so strong of you to prioritize your health over this relationship. That is such a hard choice to make! But honestly, even though it's really difficult now, I think you will realize down the line that someone who doesn't want to talk about/support your mental health is someone you can't build a healthy relationship with down the line. I hope you get lots of quality time to spend just pouring lots of love and energy into yourself, and perhaps work with a therapist on some of the body and intimacy issues you've been dealing with, if therapy is an option for you. I hope that you get together with someone down the line who is interested in building a relationship based on mutual support!

[thinkythankies]

Apologies in advance for the rambling nature of this post.

I think there needs to be a middle ground when it comes to discussing body weight and fat. It only seems to be discussed in extremes.

Speaking of extremes, I think a physical extreme in any direction is unhealthy. Too little weight to your body isn't good for you. Too much weight on your body isn't good for you. Too little exercise isn't good for you. Too much exercise isn't good for you. Everything in moderation.

While what is considered too much and too little will vary from situation to situation, I still believe this true.

I would like to note that when it is said something is good or bad for you, it isn't an indication of morality. Being healthy does not make you a morally superior person. Being unhealthy does not make you a morally inferior person. Skinny, average, fat, morbidly obese; weight is never an indicator of who you are as a person.

Will power and drive are not moral indicators. What's more, you can't deduce such things from someone's health. One might think someone has more will power if they are healthier and exercise more, but what if that person dislikes unhealthy food and enjoys exercising? Does it really count as will power if they don't need to will themselves to do anything? Is it good impulse control if that person has no impulses to control?

While I do think a healthy weight is important, I acknowledge that fatphobia is very much a thing, especially in the medical field. Too many doctors insist on a patient losing weight before addressing any problems they may have. Not all physical ailments are caused by being overweight. Some people are overweight because of physical ailments. Doctors should always listen to their patients and do their best to properly address any worries.

On top of this, there are eating disorders to worry about. These can range from having too little in your stomach to having too much. An eating disorder of any kind is not a good thing and again, this is not an indicator of one's morality.

Not only is a healthy body important, achieving and maintaining it in a healthy manner is important too.

One should learn how to best achieve a healthy body in a way that's best for them. In an ideal world, this would be done by doctors amd nutritionists determined to learn about and help their patients, but such things are generally expensive or nonexistent. So learning how to do so is a harder process and once again, not a moral indicator.

Mental health is also important and often tied to physical health. It's important to find a balance between the two. Poor mental can make being physically healthy more difficult, poor physical health can make mental health worse, a healthy body can help your mental health, and a good mental state can make healthy habits easier.

It's all connected.

However, if one has to choose between physical and mental health, I'd say pick mental health first. If you have depression and the only solution is a medicine that makes you gain weight, take the medicine.

It's important to balance these things.

To wrap up this post, I would like to reiterate that health is not a moral indicator, everyone is different, don't judge people by their weight, and do what's best for you.

[nutravibes]

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[Chemist Warehouse] Fast Action Keto Gummies Reviews (Australia & NZ) Are Australia's Action Keto Gummies Real or Fake?

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Fast Action Keto Gummies are the best weight-loss supplement that is currently trusted and widely used by many users, and its ability to flush excess fat out of your system is unmatched in the health industry.

Keto Gummies are a genuine and original weight loss supplement, which is especially important now that obesity rates are rising. Everyone who uses it will see dramatic results in their weight loss efforts. If your health is poor, nothing can make you happy. To avoid weight issues, utilize the new product. With the appropriate components and approach, getting rid of obesity is simple and can be accomplished in a couple of weeks. Few products can compare to Fast Action Keto Gummies and BHB Gummies when shedding extra pounds. It is the most powerful fat-burning ingredient ever known.

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Even on the keto diet, you'll still have to deal with drawbacks like hunger and cravings. This keto supplement, on the other hand, requires virtually zero adjustments to one's normal routine. All your weight loss goals can come true with the help of a supplement called Fast Action Keto Gummies, which is thousands of times more powerful than ordinary gummy supplements. This supplement has been designed to be as user-friendly as feasible while producing rapid outcomes. Those who assert that following the ketogenic diet is challenging are entirely true. This requires a lot of effort and attention constantly, making it extremely challenging for people already stretched thin. Conversely, the mechanism of action and use of Keto Gummies are simpler, helping you to attain your weight loss goals with less effort.

What is the Fast Action Keto Gummies

Fast Action Keto Gummies are the best weight-loss supplement that is currently trusted and widely used by many users, and its ability to flush excess fat out of your system is unmatched in the health industry.

This product is a safe and effective way to shed unwanted pounds. If you take them every day, you can speed up your weight loss and notice benefits in only a few months. With their all-natural and herbaceous contents, Keto gummies are a powerful substitute for regular chewing gum when it comes to losing weight. These are terrific healthy alternatives to sugary candy bars.

Maintaining a healthy weight has many benefits. Therefore it's something you should work towards. Many factors contribute to various health problems, including type 2 diabetes, cancer, joint pain, mental health troubles, self-doubt, heart failure, strokes, premature death, and cardiovascular illnesses.

The gummies come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and hues. It's flavored with all sorts of tasty and healthy fruit extracts. Since they are founded on research and made entirely of all-natural ingredients, positive results could appear quickly in a few days.

Spend money on these high-end, cutting-edge gummies, and you can say goodbye to your weight problems forever.

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Dieters can help their bodies mitigate the harmful effects of excess calories and other substances by supplementing with Fast Action Keto Gummies . Adherence to a strict ketogenic diet is unnecessary to initiate ketosis. When you choose the best weight loss solution, you kickstart removing fat stores and your body's natural fat-burning processes. 

This product's inherent fat-burning mechanism will incentivize your body to keep up its internal fitness. There will never be a time when you must worry about your body being fat and out of shape again. Because its effects last for hours, you won't have to exert yourself as much or make as many conscious decisions to feel satisfied after taking this product. Increase the body's metabolic reaction and kick start its thermal Genesis Process in an all-natural way.

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What are the benefits of using keto gummies?

Fast Action Keto Gummies are the best weight loss supplements with their potential benefits. It helps you to lose weight more rapidly and healthily.

Promote ketone production

Fast Action Keto Gummies are a tasty way to kickstart ketosis and boost fat loss. Using this method, you may slim down your midsection and keep the fat from returning. Improve your health in general by using the one thing that will guarantee you're never thirsty. This is a crucial item for internal cleansing and enhancement of bodily functions.

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However, most body-shaping formulas fail miserably because they don't target the trouble spots. Fast Action Keto Gummies precisely aim at the body fat it aims to reduce. The ketogenic approach is what helps you lose weight and tone up. Result: a slim, attractive body that fits you well. Those who have hefty buttocks or arms can stop whining. This vitamin is your best bet when you want to see results quickly.

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Fulfill all body nutrient needs.

Besides aiding in weight loss, the nutritional mix Fast Action Keto Gummies provides your body with essential nutrients. Minerals, vitamins, and an immunity booster derived from various plant extracts are included. Each of the product's ingredients works to enhance your health and well-being. On the whole, the substance encourages your body to burn fat.

Things that made Fast Action Keto Gummies way better than others

  Quick and healthy fat loss is promoted.

  Procedures for entering ketosis in the body start soon.

  You'll have a slimmer frame and a more alluring appearance.

  The body does not become dehydrated throughout the ketogenic diet procedure.

  Extreme weakness and weariness aren't seen before throughout keto.

  Doing so burns fat and eliminates pollutants.

  The physique will take on a lean and trim appearance.

  Your electrolyte levels have been restored, and you are on your path to improved health and physical performance.

Is there something you need to take care of with Keto Gummies?

  Please review the official website's terms and conditions.

  Investigate what exactly is in the gummies.

  Don't hesitate to contact the customer service number if you have any questions about your order.

  Make sure you only make purchases from reputable online retailers.

  Before taking these, you should consult with your doctor.

  If you're using Fast Action Keto Gummies, stick to the ketogenic diet.

Why choose Fast Action Keto Gummies

Those who follow the ketogenic diet will surely like the brand-new and thrilling Fast Action Keto Gummies. This much is common knowledge. A number of studies have pointed to the fact that the ketogenic diet, which is high in fat and low in carbohydrates, is advantageous for one's health. These gummies are a wonderful addition to the ketogenic diet since they provide an enjoyable and uncomplicated way to obtain the healthful fats and other nutrients required to maintain ketosis.

Are there any side effects of Fast Action Keto Gummies

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[winter-soldier-vibes]

You just have to keep trying (Sebastian Stan x reader)

You just have to keep trying

Sebastian Stan x reader

Warnings: eating disorder(various behaviors and ‘mantras’), negative self talk/worthlessness, panic attacks/anxiety 

Word count: 4268

Summary: Sebastian and Reader are dating, and while Sebastian is away filming, some comments get to you. You start developing eating disorder behaviors, and a concerned friend reaches out to Sebastianw.

A/N: Sorry this took so long, it was really hard for me to write and I had to take a few days for myself before I could finish it. This one is really personal for me to write, and I don’t mean to be insensitive towards anyone. This is just written based on my personal experience and what I think would help me. If any of you are struggling with anything mentioned here and you need someone to talk to, relate to, or rant to, I’m all ears. This isn’t something to go through alone. Also I know this may seem like an unrealistic solution and it’s not always this easy, but this is fanfiction and I used some phrases that helped me. It’s often never as easy as reassurance, but it does help. Again, I’m sorry if this is triggering or insensitive to anyone out there, I just really enjoyed writing it and imagining someone caring as much as I wrote here. Stay safe.

----------------

It wasn’t easy dating an actor. 

There was media attention, often unwanted, in every corner of your life. Interpretations of everything you did, said, and posted. Comments of your relationship, what you say, what you wear, what you also don’t say. Assumptions were made about your entire life and you just wanted to scream at them to shut up. They didn’t really know you, and they’d do anything for a headline. 

But it was all worth it to you. You loved Sebastian very much, and wouldn’t trade what the two of you had for the world. He was everything you wanted. But the goddamn media were ruthless.

He told you to ignore it. And you tried and were successful for a while. But eventually hearing the same shit over and over again just ate away at you. Now it was easier to believe them than it was to believe yourself.

Somethings were less bothersome than others. You knew your love for Sebastian was real, and no headline ever made you doubt that. It was the critiques on you, and everything you did and said, that really got to you. Specifically when it was targeting your appearances.

You never had a problem with your confidence. It never really occurred to you that your appearances mattered or would matter, so you didn’t really focus on it. But it was different now. Suddenly everyone cares and is saying that you should look different, that you don’t deserve him, that you weren’t good enough. And on top of that there were the comments of everyone reading these articles and posts. 

Currently you were scrolling through Instagram. Sebastian was God knows where shooting for a new movie. He had been gone for a few weeks and you weren’t sure when he was coming back. You were scrolling through a bunch of old photos of the two of you together. You loved all of these when they were taken and posted, but now was a completely different story.

More than half of the comments were negative, and 75% of those were directed towards you. You didn’t think it would bother you like it was, and you intended to only read a few before moving on. But it was a wormhole - as much as you wanted to stop reading you couldn’t bring yourself to look away.

There were tears in your eyes but you didn’t really care. You wanted the honest truth of what people thought about you. Sebastian told you their opinions didn’t mean anything, but after a while you thought he was just being nice. 

What does he even see in her?

What makes her so special?

God she’s disgusting

He could have anyone, why her?

Anyone else hate this chick as much as I do?

The last one had over 300 likes.

You finally put your phone down and got up, making your way into the bathroom. You studied yourself in the mirror, looking for every possible flaw that was there. And you found a lot of them. It hurt, but you needed to do this if things were going to get any better.

Your hips were too wide, waist not pulled taut enough, a bit of flab here, too thin there… everything seemed out of proportion to you. Your skin was a mess, your hair was flat and dull, it just seemed like everything was wrong. No wonder people were tearing you apart and saying you weren’t good enough. They were right.

This was the start of something very new for you. You decided to take things into your own hands, make yourself better. You had heard how celebrities went on crazy diets to lose weight for a role, and you wound up pulling inspiration from them. It started fairly small and almost harmless. You were counting calories and doing more cardio. It was fine.

But then it wasn’t.

It became much too addicting, much too fast. It started slowly. There was one day where you had an extremely busy schedule and you ended up forgetting to eat and before you knew it, it was 9 pm. You really did intend to eat something, but then it occurred to you that you could just...go to bed.

You started skipping meals, loving the way that hunger made you feel. You felt more focused, more alert, just overall stronger. You kept telling yourself that hunger makes you stronger, and that eating was for the weak. And you wanted to prove everyone wrong, and if denying some hunger was the way to do that then so be it.

Sometimes you would indulge in your body’s cries for help, eating anything you could. But as soon as you realized what you were doing, panic would overtake you. The first time you frantically tried to find an option, which eventually led you to the bathroom hunched over the toilet. After that you threw up anything you ended up eating, no matter how small.

You took weight loss inspiration quotes to a dangerous level. Anytime you would walk to the fridge you would tell yourself that ‘fat lasts longer than flavor,’ or ‘minutes on the lips forever on the hips’. After that it wasn’t that hard to walk away. 

You were working out a lot more too, and found that addicting. You pushed yourself until you basically fell over from exhaustion. Then you would give yourself a break. But absolutely no rest days. You didn’t deserve them. Not yet, at least.

You stopped going out with your friends. They would invite you to a bar or dinner but you would always decline. It was easier that way. You were losing weight of course, and rapidly at that. You didn’t see it, you saw things that still needed work. But your hair was beginning to fall out, you were always tired, and just generally felt like shit. You were never overweight in the first place, so your ribs were beginning to just out, and you could see your hip bones for the first time in your life. But this only egged you on. It should have scared you, but you liked it. You thought it was progress.

You hadn’t seen anyone in weeks, and you had been doing this to yourself for months. You would still talk to Sebastian on the phone most days, and text on the days you didn’t. You didn’t dare tell him about any of this for fear he would try to stop you. You weren’t good enough yet. That was all that you really wanted. You would give everything you had just to feel like you were good enough.

Eventually, your friends started getting really concerned. Denying a girl’s night here and there was nothing to worry about, but weeks of near radio silence prompted them to come and check on you. One day they knocked on your door, and you padded over to it, still in your workout gear.

They nearly passed out when they saw you.

You were gaunt, dark circles under your eyes, pale, and just...smaller than you were. You weren’t hiding behind your usual baggy clothes that kept you warm, exposing how much weight you had lost. You thought everything was normal, but they were absolutely freaking out. This wasn’t you.

“Are you okay?” y/b/f/n asked after a few moments of stunned silence.

You shrugged. “Yeah. why wouldn’t I be?”

They swallowed. “Y/n, you look...sick.”

You rolled your eyes, frustrated. “Gee, thanks.” That did absolutely nothing for your self esteem. “Look, I’m fine and I have work to do. So thank you, but please just leave.” You shut the door on them.

They stood there stunned for a few minutes outside the door, worried as hell about you. Eventually they decided to leave, but they couldn’t stop thinking about you. They sat in their car, trying to think of what to do. But then they remembered something.

A few years ago when the two of you were getting serious, Sebastian had given them his phone number in case something happened to you while he was away. They had never had to use it before, but now seemed like an appropriate time. They scrolled through their contacts until they found him, and started typing.

‘Hey this is y/b/f/n. Something’s wrong with y/n.’

Within a couple of minutes, he called back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, worry filling his voice.

They sighed. “I’m not sure. I hadn’t heard or seen her in a few weeks and I went to check on her today and she’s just…” they shook their head. “She’s lost a lot of weight. She looks sick, Sebastian. I don’t know what’s going on but I barely recognized her when she opened that door.”

On the other side of the line, Sebastian was freaking out. He was in between takes on set, but he walked off to a more private place to have this conversation. “Did you try to talk to her?”

“She said she was fine and shut the door.”

He rubbed a hand over his face. Sighing, he said “Alright. I’ll tell the director something came up. I’ll be there tomorrow. Thank you, y/b/f/n.”

“Thank you.”

--------------------------------------------

The day continued normally for you. You worked out some more, busied yourself with different things around the house, avoided eating like it was poison. Your usual routine. You hated what you were doing to yourself. You wanted to stop but you just didn’t think that was an option yet. You thought you had to get to a certain image, a certain weight, or just reach some kind of destination before you tried to change. But you weren’t there yet.

You tried to sleep, couldn’t sleep, tried again, and then eventually gave up and settled for the 1 hour you were able to get. You got ready for your day as normal: workout gear and to the gym. When you came home, you showered and went to lie down again. You were so exhausted but you didn’t feel like there was anything you could do.

You don’t know how long you were there, but the sound of a door closing brought you back into awareness. You sat up, confused as to who was here. Sebastian always told you when he was coming home.

“Y/n?”

You perked up, knowing it was Sebastian’s voice. You practically ran into the main room to hug him. He smiled and wrapped his arms around you, immediately stiffening. “Oh my God,” he whispered. Underneath your sweater he could feel your bones jutting out and you were smaller than he remembered. He had only been gone for about 2 months, what the hell had happened?

He pulled back a lot sooner than you would have liked. But when you looked at his face, you were surprised to see him looking at you extremely concerned. “What’s wrong Seb?”

He looked you up and down and shook his head a little “What happened to you?”

You smiled a little, oblivious. “What do you mean?”

“You - you’ve lost so much weight. You look sick, yn, just - what the hell happened?”

You looked away for a second, stepping back and crossing your arms. You didn't know what to say. Sebastian stepped forward and grabbed both your shoulders, forcing you to look at him. Gently but firmly, he asked again “Y/n, tell me what happened.”

You shifted your gaze away from him. “I just wanted to be better.”

Sebastian felt his body go cold. “When was the last time you ate?” You shrugged your shoulders and shook your head, not knowing what to tell him. You didn’t even know the answer yourself. He sighed. “This isn’t because of some stupid reporter, is it?”

Your lack of words and the tensing of your body was enough of an answer for him. “You know that they are trained to rip people apart? They don’t know what it’s making you feel. Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“Because I don’t fucking deserve you! You could literally have anyone you wanted, I just don’t understand why you chose me! I don’t understand why you’d want me, just….” you shook your head. “I’m not good enough.”

He stayed silent  for a few moments, not knowing what you meant. He had no idea you felt this down on yourself. “What do you mean?”

You looked away from him again. “Sometimes I just don’t understand. You’re absolutely perfect in every single way and then I'm just here. I don’t get why or how you could love me.”

He closed the space between the two of you and hugged you again, firmly but not as tightly as usual. He was afraid he would hurt you. He felt tears pricking his eyes as well. His girl, his y/n, was wasting away because she didn’t feel good enough for him, when usually he thought it was the opposite. It broke his heart knowing that you had done this to yourself for him or some ignorant reporter. You were crying because you thought this would be the end of it. You didn’t think it was possible for him to love you after something like this.

“Babe, listen to me. I need you to hear me out here. I love you so much. I love you for who you are, who you were, and everything you could be. And nothing would ever change that. You are absolutely perfect to me no matter what. And because of that it breaks my heart to know what you’ve been doing to yourself. You don’t have to change, especially not for me. Hurting yourself like this cannot be an option, okay?”

Tears had begun to fall from his eyes and you were shaking in his embrace. “I’m sorry,” you choked out. You felt him shake his head before he said “You don’t have to be sorry. You just have to trust me. Can you do that?”

Your heart was melting. “Why are you so nice to me?” you asked quietly.

He let out a shaky breath, trying his best to hold it together for you. “Because I love you more than anything. And I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to you.”

You buried your face further into his chest, letting out another sob. He tightened his grip on you and kissed the top off your head, scared you would disappear at any second. He swallowed back his own tears, knowing he needed to be the strong one here.

“Please, y/n, let me help you.”

You nodded into his chest, feeling a sickening sense of relief and terror. To be honest you were mostly petrified as to what was to come. You had spent months telling yourself you deserve to starve, and you still believed most of it. You knew deep down it was a problem and you wanted to let Sebastian help you, but you were so scared of disappointing him or yourself. 

By this point, it was early afternoon. The two of you spent a few hours on the couch, you curled up to him and his arms protectively around you. He kept telling you how much he loved you and how you were beautiful, and you would do your best to believe him and ignore the voice in your head telling you it was all a lie. In all honesty you got more distracted as time went on. You knew he would want to make you dinner and you couldn’t ignore the anxiety growing more as the time went on.

You weren’t going to bring it up, and you were just waiting for him to. He was nervous to bring it up too. He didn’t want you to be uncomfortable or trigger you, but there was no way that he could let you skip another meal. You had already gone far too long without eating anything. He shifted in his seat and tensed a little, and you sighed, knowing what was coming.

“So...uh..”

“I don’t know,” you finished for him. You looked up to meet his eyes. “I’m not sure what I’d want or even could eat. It’s so stupid trying to explain it to someone else…” you shook your head and closed your eyes. “It makes sense in my head but it doesn’t when I say it out loud.”

He sighed a little, brushing your hair with one of his hands. “It can be something small,” he said gently. “I’ll be here the whole time.”

You felt tears in your eyes again as you brought your hand to your stomach, running it down your ribcage, feeling the divots. It was a nervous habit you had developed whenever you thought about eating, and you cursed yourself for doing it now. “It’s embarrassing Seb.” you said quietly. 

Sebastian didn’t stop his movements, looking down at you. “What can I do to make it better?” he asked, feeling so helpless in this situation. He wanted to take all of your pain away but there isn’t a quick way to heal the mind. He had learned that himself a long time ago. You shrugged, not knowing the answer yourself. 

You took a deep breath. “Nothing’s going to be easy Seb. I think it’d just be easier if you chose something and then just sit with me or something. I don’t know… God I feel like an idiot right now -”

“Hey,” Sebastian stopped you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Whatever you need babe.” He gave you a smile before he stood up, and you curled into the corner of the couch, bringing your knees to your chest. Your heart was pounding and your mind was racing. You had no idea how you were going to be able to do this, you could barely eat on your own out of shame, how were you expecting to eat in front of the man you loved? 

Meanwhile, Sebastian was trying to think of something that would be easiest for you to eat while still providing sustenance. He didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, but he also didn’t want to enable you. 

Eventually he came back out with two plates of food, one holding less than the other. (Insert whatever you want here for the meal). He gave the smaller portion to you with a small smile and you were trying your best to hide the trembling of your hand as you took it from him. You ended up counting the calories with the blink of an eye before you could stop yourself, and cursed your mind because you didn’t think that there was a way that you could eat that much. Even if you knew logically you burned more calories in your workout that morning.

You begna bouncing your leg up and down, tears building once again. You didn’t want to disappoint him, but you couldn't stop the anxiety building inside you. “I’m sorry,” you said shaking your head and covering your mouth. Your breathing was becoming uneven, and your heart rate was increasing as well. Which only made you more anxious. 

Sebastian moved both plates out of the way before wrapping his arms around you again. You were so embarrassed, having an anxiety attack around something as stupid as food. You felt so weak and stupid. Your leg was moving uncontrollably at this point, and you barely had any control over your breathing anymore. Your hands balled into fists and you buried your head into his chest out of shame. 

You kept trying to spit out apologies but you couldn’t catch your breath long enough to do so. He just tightened his arms around you, hushing you whenever you tried to speak. “Y/n I need you to try to breathe with me, can you try that? Just try to match mine.” He started taking deep breaths, chest rising and falling slowly and you tried your best to match his. It took a few minutes but eventually your breathing evened out. Once the panic had washed away you started crying harder, more out of shame and embarrassment than anything else. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s so stupid -”

“It’s not stupid y/n.” he said gently but firmly. “It’s okay to be anxious.”

You shook your head against his chest. “Not when it’s about something as silly as food.”

“Hey, it’s not stupid. Thoughts don’t make sense all the time, but that doesn’t make them fact. You’re just having a rough time right now, but beating yourself up over it is only going to make it harder.” 

God, you love this man. 

The two of you stayed like that for a few minutes, him rubbing a hand through your hair gently like before. He knew you had always liked that. You closed your eyes, wanting this moment to go on forever, but knowing you would have to eat something at some point. 

“Do you think you could try to eat something? Please?”

You took a deep breath before nodding again, pulling away from him. You grabbed your plate and played around with it for a minute or so before you began eating. You wanted to make Sebastian happy, but you were terrified as well. You didn’t exactly know why, logically speaking. You had thoughts running through your mind of weight gain, but you also knew logically that one meal wouldn’t cause it, and that you were too skinny anyways.

You knew that logically. But your mind wasn’t exactly a logical place to be right now.

You weren’t able to eat everything, but you ate more than you thought you would be able. To. you apologized for the nth time that night, and Sebastian stopped you before you could finish. “Don’t be. I’m proud of you.” he said with a smile as he brought the plates to the kitchen. He was nervous to say the least. You hadn’t eaten much, but again, it was a start. Everyone needs to start somewhere.

He hadn’t told you that he had come home in the middle of shooting to check on you. He didn’t tell you that he had initially said he’d be gone for a week before pushing it back even further, realizing you needed him at the moment. You were more important to him, and he honestly didn’t care if he got fired. He’d find another job at some point. 

He stayed with you for the next few weeks, helping you in every aspect. He made sure you deleted all social media apps on your phone, so you weren’t inclined to look at toxic comments. He helped you tone down your time in the gym and take rest days. He made sure you ate something at each meal. It started out small, and gradually he helped you to eat more. He sat with you through all the panic attacks and tears, and the times you would lash out at him. He never took it personally.

There were slip ups. Times where you snuck out at night to go for a run, or when you would find yourself throwing up after the anxiety got to be too much. He wouldn’t get angry with you, just offer you a sad smile and hug you. You would apologize and he would assure you it wasn’t your fault. “It’s not going to be perfect, you just have to keep trying.”

He would never stop telling you that you were beautiful and how much he loved you. You couldn’t help but feel like a burden to him at first, but as time went on you began to believe him more and more. 

Months later and it was still a daily struggle. You had bad days, slip ups, and days where you just wanted to quit. But Sebastian never left your side through all of it, and eventually you were able to pull yourself out of your own darkness. You were able to catch yourself in your negative thoughts before you descended too far down the wormhole. You were starting to feel happy again, more like who you had been.

The two of you were watching a movie, laughing over some funny line that had been said. There was popcorn in between the two of you and you just felt happy. After a few moments, you looked up at him and smiled. “Thank you.”

He smiled back down at you. “For what?”

“Helping me believe in myself again.”

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

To the anons calling me fat in rude but albeit creative ways, I just want you to know I’m not hurt. I’ve been fat my whole life. My height comes into play as well. I’m not even 5 foot, my weight on someone taller wouldn’t even look heavy. The first time someone called me fat was when I was 7. My friends were playing Harry Potter and I was told I was too fat to be Hermione and my choices were to be Hagrid or Fang. I stopped being their friend.

When I go places people stare and I know it’s because of my weight. They snicker, make pig noises or flat out insult me. Last year when waiting in line for the Avengers someone was so “disgusted” by my existence that she spent a full hour making snide comments before spoiling the ending because I made her throw up in her mouth. That I’ll admit hurt. I spent the whole movie crying, not understanding what I could have possibly done to her by just existing.

I have been made fun of more than I care to admit. My weight has been used against me for everything. Whether it be date rejections, sometimes jobs but mostly when I go to the doctor. They stop seeing me as a human after a certain weight marker. No matter what I say is the problem, they tell me the solution is weight loss. My pain stops being listened to just because I’m fat. 4 years ago I was having horrible abdominal pain. It was so bad I went to the emergency room where the person at the front desk scoffed and asked if I just overate. I wasn’t believed just because I’m fat.

I was having an Appendicitis and they had to do an emergency surgery within an hour. But if it had been up to the person at the front desk, I wouldn’t have been seen at all. Just because of my weight.

It doesn’t matter how hard people try to be body positive, there will always be someone saying it’s glorifying obsesity. Fat people cant be okay with how they look or be confident without other people chiming in to say they are wrong.

I shouldn’t need the body positivity movement to be able to say it’s okay that I exist. I shouldn’t need to say anything. I’m fat and it should be okay, I have the right to exist and enjoy life just like everyone else. But I’ve never felt like that. I’ve been shamed my whole life.

“You’d be so much prettier if you lost weight.”

“At least you have a nice smile.”

“You could let yourself go and no one would be able to tell the difference.”

I’ve tried so many diets over the years. Some that aren’t healthy at all, some that are dangerous and some that don’t work. I became a vegetarian at 14 when my health teacher pulled me aside after class to tell me that it could help me lose weight.

Every time I tried a new diet it wasn’t to be healthy, it wasn’t to start a better lifestyle. I did it to stop the stares. I did it to stop the snide comments. I did it so I could stop crying every time someone commented on my weight. I shouldn’t have to lose weight to be treated with basic respect.

Even when I did the surgery it was because I was so tired of being mocked for just living my life. The final push was when I was at the store getting milk, two grown ass adults made pig noises when I walked by. I was so sick of being their target that I called a nutritionist and started the path to surgery.

I wish I had done this for me. In a way I did but honestly I just want to be looked at and not be seen as a person second to my weight. I want to be able to go outside and not be mocked. I want to be able to eat something and not see people looking at me in disgust.

So yeah, I had surgery. I couldn’t lose the weight on my own and I’m not ashamed of needing help. Hell I didn’t even have to pay for it.

Yeah, I’m fat. I’ve always been fat and no matter how much I lose, I’ll always be the fat 7 year old who wasn’t allowed to be Hermione.

But instead of being hurt, I’m just over it. I’m living my life as is whether that’s fat or not. And I’m going to be the best damn Hermione and no amount of name calling is going to change that.

To the rude anons, Instead of worrying about my weight, please worry about your shitty personality because lord knows there’s no fixing that

[angst-king]

Mr Perfect chpt 1

(TW: eating disorder, vomiting, cutting)

“Mr perfect, could you tell us what the answer to number 5 is please?” I frowned, I hated my last name with a passion. I look down at my work sheet that I’d rewritten a hundred times and reply. “The method is, going back to the text” The teacher smiles and chuckles “, it seems like Mr Perfect actually did his work for once.” He didn’t need to bring that up….it's not my fault my work isn’t good enough for my parents. I can feel the ideas of my classmates expecting me to say something, to do something. Always expecting something….why do people have to have expectations all the time?

My parents expect me to have a great girlfriend, play football, get the best grades, and act better than everyone else, as well as take on dad’s business. He owns a bank or something, I honestly don’t know and don’t care at all. I’m not good at math, well I am, it's just not very enjoyable…..nothing is enjoyable for me though. Sounds like some thirteen year old trying to be edgy doesn’t it?

Well I’m not thirteen, I’m 17, and I have solutions to my problems. They may not be the best, but they work for me. Like I said the expectations my parents have for me, I counter that by just doing what they want. I follow their lead, copy their example. Dad’s always told me, the weak get crushed by the strong, and I have to be the strong. When I saw dad do it that meant, telling people what to do, being forceful about it. Shit talking, because that seems to get rid of those who aren’t loyal to you, or will get left behind cause they’re too weak for the criticism. So of course I copy it, I do the same thing at school. He’s the leader of the company, so I’m the leader of the football team. He needs control, so do I…..but I don’t wanna be in control like this.

My girlfriend, oh god my girlfriend, she’s pretty I guess.

She can be rather demanding but she's my girlfriend. I have to make her happy, so I buy her whatever she wants, I give her what she wants. If she wants me to get her starbucks before school, I know her order. If she wants me to buy her lunch, I know what she wants based on what she’s boasting to her friends about. I pose for her snapchat, help her with tiktok, drive her home after football and cheer. Take her out on dates, i’m the man so I pay...but she doesn’t contribute to the relationship. 

She just wants, demands, and tells me what to do. But I do it because I have to have a girlfriend or my parents will be angry with me. Her parents make almost as much money as mine, and we’re both going to be inheriting our parents' companies. She doesn’t kiss me with love, she kisses me for a picture. She holds my hand for clout, she talks about how big and strong I am, yet complains that I need to lose weight…. She’s right though

 I’m fat, I’m too big, sure I’m a football player but, I don’t need to look like I do nothing but fucking eat. Yeah I’ve got muscle and I’m not as big as some but, most quarterbacks are not as big as me. I should be slimming down, especially since its the off season. Not to mention, Hannah says I eat like a pig. So I have no excuse not to lose weight, so that’s what I’m gonna do. If that makes her happy, or at the very least contribute more to our relationship.

It's lunch right now and I’m walking with Hannah who is tugging me by my sweatshirt towards the lunch line. I follow her, we get our lunch and we sit down at our table. Which is with some of her friends and my friends. I start eating fast, piling food in like a wolf. I've been hungry all day since I didn't eat much for breakfast to begin with. I soon start to feel her eyes on me, she’s staring at me, judging me, I know what she’s gonna say. So I slow down from my ravenous pace, clean my face, and continue with lunch. I can hear her scoff, I can feel her disdain for me, and my bad habits.

After lunch she pulls me aside near the bathrooms as we head to class together. Her look is serious and I know its about lunch, so I prepare myself for a lecture. “Go throw it up.” She says it like a mother telling their kid to put something back. I'm Confused though, what does she mean ‘go throw it up’? “Huh?” She rolls her eyes hard as me, going through her purse she grabs a stick of gum, and hands it to me. “If you want to stop looking like such a fucking pig, this will help. Throw up what you’d just eaten, then chew on the gum. It keeps you from feeling hungry and takes away the throw up breath.” I was hesitant and tried to argue. “Oh come on Hannah, I can do it myself. I don’t need to do that, I-i’ll just eat less…shouldn’t that be enough, I’m weight training anyway-``''no its not, you have no self control Xander. This is it, I’m not going to date someone who can’t control himself, eats and looks like a fucking pig.”

No! Don’t leave!-I felt like my world was about to come down on top of me.-I need you! If you leave my parents will be mad! I can’t handle that! So I quickly took the gum and nodded but then I asked. “H-how do i-” “stick your fingers in your mouth, go to the back of your throat. That should make you gag” She answers before I even finish and I know she’s getting impatient. So I hurriedly turn towards the men’s restroom.

In the stall I’m crouched down, contemplating my options. Should I really do this?Will it really work? Of course it will, especially if I don’t give my stomach time to actually take it on. So that means my body isn’t going to gain weight! Damn Hannah is so much smarter, I should’ve thought of that. It shouldn’t hurt to try it, if it makes her happy and she starts to like me then its worth it. I open my mouth and take my right hands pointer and middle finger in. Gliding them down my tongue, towards the back of my mouth. Its hot, wet and sticky. I feel the back, its squishy, spongy, I start poking, going further down the top of my throat.

That’s when I feel it.

Nausea, this feeling where my mouth gets slimier, wetter, I’m salivating harder. I can literally feel my stomach contents sloshing around inside of me, my face feels so hot. I feel my throat spasm, and the hotness grows, my belly feels sicker, the sloshing gets worse, it's like a bouncing sensation. I start to choke, not this isn’t choking? Gagging? Its like a hiccup bouncing in my nauseous belly and I can feel the heat up hot saliva, or mayb-shit acid!

I slumped over, at first with no time to get my hand out of my mouth but now I’m clutching onto the side of the toilet getting sick. I can feel my hands wet, shaking as I hold on tight. My stomach bounces again, more of my lunch comes up and I can tell its hardly been digested which is harder for me to get up. It's not only coming out of my mouth but my nose! The smell is ingrained inside and it's only making me sicker.

Its only one more round before my stomach feels empty, I’m gasping for air, coughing. I grabbed some toilet paper to clean up with, luckily I didn't vomit on my clothes. Once I’m done, I stand up, I’m a bit dizzy but I was probably just a little too fast about it. I can still taste the vomit, so I grab the gum, unwrap it, and chew on it. Better

I look awful but she says I’ll get used to it and soon I’ll look good.

Its a spiral, just a huge fucking spiral! Hopefully the team doesn’t notice.

The team hasn’t noticed and of course my parents don’t notice either. I’ve only been drinking protein shakes and electrolyte drinks when I’m at home. Well, except for dinner, we ‘eat as a family’. Aka my mother cooking dinner, we eat at the table together while my parents are on their phones talking about business and criticizing my schoolwork. I eat dinner with them, then excuse myself to go to my room after their lecture or small amount of praise. I then escape and hide in my bathroom for a while, forcing up everything I’d eaten. Then chew on gum for the rest of the night. 

I even have a schedule for school days. Protein shake, or electrolyte drink in the morning, eat lunch in front of the guys, ‘get rid of it’ during study hall, drink electrolyte drink for the rest of the day. Weight lifting, have dinner with family, get rid of it afterwards, and do school work. So far things have gone well, I haven’t been questioned about it yet. I’ve gotten better at not getting vomit on my hands when I gag myself too. 

Now that solves my weight issues since I have been losing weight which is making Hannah happy. Now for my other problems. My parents continue to bring up that I need to prepare for taking over my dad’s business. They drag me to meetings every chance they get, it's so boring, but I force myself to come up with something. Sometimes my questions are dumb though and i have to apologize and wait for the yelling later. I’ve been trying to bring home the best grades but, I’m not the smartest, yet my parents say tutors are for retards. So I just come home, dreading that they’re home after weight lifting and wait for their screaming. I could have all A’s and maybe one C and they scream as if the world is ending.

It gets to the point where I force myself to hold off on tears, or where I rip up homework and I start yelling too. Which earns me a nice taste of solid wall from my dad getting enraged with me and shoving me into a wall. Mom doesn’t do anything to me physically, she just calls me names. 

Tonight was no different, I came home after weight lifting, my mom called me multiple names that I’d sadly grown accustomed to by now. I pretend like it doesn’t hurt as I walk up to my room. Dad wasn’t home, and wouldn’t be home tonight, he had a business party tonight. I get into my room feeling empty, yet hurt at the same time, feeling as if the only control I have is my weight.

I had someone to control a few weeks ago, someone I could let my anger out on, someone I knew was too powerless to fight back. 

She’s gone now, I don’t know where she is. I used to take it out on her, copy what my parents did and reflect it to her. It made me feel better, I didn’t bottle it up back then. She was my stress relief, and it felt good…..I haven’t seen her for a while.

Now I sit on my bed feeling powerless, hurt, and wanting things to be over. I Want my parents to stop all of this. But I know that unless I remain ‘Mr Perfect’ it wont stop. It will only get worse the more I slip up, and I’ll only feel worse. So I need to find another way to get control because vomiting isn’t enough anymore. Mental pain makes me feel dead, but physical pain doesn't. It gives me the ability to feel something that is worthless. I get up with an idea in my head, walking into the bathroom, I go throw my drawers and find my shaver. It's manual, and the blades are fresh.

I roll up the sleeve on my right arm, holding the tool with my left hand. I press it against the bottom of my arm, I can feel the cold crisp blades. I take a deep breath in, and push out as I start to slide the blade across my arm. I feel it rip my skin, the cold blades are cutting through my skin like a sharp knife on dough. I expected to want to stop as soon as I felt the pain but, I didn’t? The pain wasn’t unwelcoming, it actually felt good. The physical pain didn’t overwhelm me, it didn’t make me flinch, it cut through my emotional numbness and gave me something to focus on. 

I couldn’t keep track, I couldn’t stop, the stinging was harsh yet it wasn’t as bad as my parent’s words. My mind, my vision, it was white, my mind kept saying “more!” it growled for more. It blinded me to the point of losing time, only to stop when I felt something wet hit my foot. I was brought back, my vision returns, but I’m rather dizzy so I lean against the wall as my world blurs and moves on its own. I hold onto the counter top of my sink to steady myself as I feel lightheaded. I shut my eyes, and take multiple deep breaths until I feel better. Once my head feels like I’m not being pushed underwater, I open my eyes and see that I’m bleeding a lot. “Shit!” I cursed and quickly grabbed a towel to hold pressure. I really didn’t know I’d cut myself up that much! Luckily the bleeding isn’t horrible, I don’t need stitches….I don’t think? I’ll just bandage it up and check on it in the morning.

I had to change it during the night but by morning I was okay. Just had to change it again, and come up with an excuse if anyone notices. Thankfully it's getting colder out so I can just wear sweatshirts, and I don’t have weight lifting today. So I shouldn't have to worry so much, not like anyone will really care right?”

[nutravibes]

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[thevirgodoll]

I need advice for confronting my friend about skipping meals, it gets pretty awkward and she brushes everything off. The anon reminded me to ask you for help about this.

This is a very, VERY touchy subject and I know you know this. I’m happy you approached me with this because this is directly up my alley in subject matter.

PSA: With things like self harm behaviors, understand that it’s difficult to get a loved one to admit it’s happening because of the brain’s response towards confronting it: shame, guilt, and burdensome feelings. And if she has been doing this awhile, by now her brain has been conditioned to use this as a positive coping mechanism because it relieves her of whatever is going on in her life...

So try not to be too hard on her. I know a lot of people get easily frustrated and place blame but perspective and empathy is extremely necessary if you’re going to be here for the long haul because this is not something that she can just stop doing. In the past, people were very ignorant about any self harm behavior so I really had to get that off of my chest so you could approach it correctly.

Things to know and consider:

Think of her history. Has there been any life changes? Has she ever had mental health problems? What has happened before the eating habits?

•Something deeper is usually going on when an eating disorder actually occurs. It is not about food entirely, it’s about emotional eating and lack thereof depending on which ED it is. Now sometimes it’s not always due to the person’s own doing (some medications can create issues), but most of the time it’s due to an underlying problem that has been going on for a long time.

•She may withdraw from social interactions as a result of this disorder. This is a symptom of her illness.

•Often times, eating disorders are coupled with depression and anxiety. So keep in mind, her mind is a hard place to be right now if this is the case.

•EDs can create a need for control. If she feels out of control in an area of her life, in some way, it helps her feel in control of something.

Symptoms to check off (not all have to be marked; this is for everyone’s reference to keep and have):

•Fear of weight gain to the point of obsession

-> conversations pertain to cleaner eating or wanting to look better, expresses disdain

-> obsessed with fitness or diet apps to the point of concern

•Excessive exercising

-> upset if they cannot exercise

-> increases exercise, but avoids increasing calories or is on a fad diet/extreme regiment in an unhealthy manner

•Irrational perception of body weight or image

-> checking body fat, tugging on skin

•Weight gain

-> compulsive eating, large quantities of food

•Lying about eating habits or downplaying them

•Food often on mind or always an issue

•Skipping meals often or rationalize skipping meals

•Cutting food into pieces to make it less obvious that it’s not as much food

-> habitually does this or only eats certain portions, weird rituals around foods, maybe a lot of condiments

•Avoiding eating with other people

-> goes to the bathroom often during meals

-> gets upset during meals if certain meals aren’t available, refuses to even eat

•Hiding food

•Fatigue, lack of concentration, irritation

•Uncharacteristic social withdrawal and isolation

-> A note about mood: Extremely depressed or seems extremely energetic depending on mental state. Mental health concerns are definitely there.

-> Caffeine may be involved if they are overly hyperactive to lose more weight

So, keep in mind that it’s not just one type of eating disorder which is why I included many different signs off the top of my head. Sometimes, people are unaware that their behaviors are unhealthy until it’s too late. Some people won’t accept they have an eating disorder, especially black women.

Something to know: Black women, regardless of specific nationality or ethnic background, tend to have a certain culture around food, so eating disorders with Black women are often overlooked. Black women adopt cultural values that are linked with binge eating disorders, and are at high risk for emotional eating. Many will not ask for help. The stereotype continues to be that it is just the Black woman being “fat” or “needs meat on her bones”.

Why? It is due to the societal and cultural expectation. Most women in media are depicted as white, skinny women or plus size white women for opposite ends of the body image / ED spectrum.

However, the culture around Black female bodies is something to be acknowledged... the rates of “thick” vs. “skinny” body image problems regarding Black women. Anorexia is the rarest disorder amongst Black women, and Binge eating is the most prevalent.

What To Do Now?

When someone downplays an eating disorder despite you pointing out the symptoms, it’s not personal. It is a symptom of their illness. Persistence and empathy is key. Take a different approach than aggression in order to get them to open up.

Do not say how they look when starting your sentences...they have a perception already of how they look and it won’t work. Do not say what they “should” do for your benefit of seeing them well, this will come off aggressive. They will tune you out, and feel like a burden. If anything, you want to put your empathy above all. Do not frame their behavior as something malicious that they are doing to you. These approaches are often used and alienate the person, which makes the process longer. No ultimatums also. People always say “if you do this again I will stop being your friend.” It ruins it and drives people to more self harm behaviors often or worse, suicide / hospitalization due to feeling alone (more than they already do). Do not do this!

Have patience, move forward with love, and involve empathy not pity or demeaning language. Avoid “should”, “need”, and “you don’t”. Just speak from a place of concern, because that’s your primary feeling. No lecturing, no criticizing. Pick a private place, where they will be calm. NO OFFERING SOLUTIONS! It’s about offering SUPPORT! Do not tell them what they have to do! Just use “I” statements only! If there is resistance, again, be patient because this is hard for THEM! I say this with a lot of conviction because it is extremely serious!

Example: “Hey ____, I’m really worried about you. Perhaps I am wrong in my observations, but this is what I see(*this allows them to not feel defensive*). I feel like you are struggling with something(gives them the chance to open up). I want to help you and I am here for you.”

Example: “Hey ____, I really wanted to speak to you. I feel like something is going on. It’s hard for me to see you unhappy (observation of how they have been acting, no weight comments). It’s really scary to watch you skip meals sometimes(shows that you are concerned and have noticed). I want to help you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you want to do. I’m listening to you.” *The ending gives them an opportunity to feel supported because they are. If they show response to wanting to take the next step / or open up to you about the eating disorder then say this: “I’ll even go to the doctor with you. I will be in the appointment.” And please go with them!

Good luck and keep me updated! We should all stick together on mental health (especially us black women.) Always send me questions like this!!! ❣️

xo, thevirgodoll ❤️

*If anyone is curious as to why I’m so knowledgeable, I’m a psychology major girl, I had research ready before I answered because I already did research on this topic a long time ago in an essay for black women and EDs. I got my clinical reference from earlier lol -> clinical reference to black women and eating disorders link study

[miniwolfsbane]

JWCC Sammy Gutierrez and body positivity

THIS IS VERY LONG! (I just have a lot of feelings!) Also, this is personal and doesn’t talk a lot about Sammy and is just one big rant. 

Comment I wrote on the S2 preview “Also, shout out to the creators for making Sammy heavy, but it not effecting or having anything to do with her character. OR have her be obsessed with food. I'm sure other 90s kids remember the fat kid trope. Not doing fat logic, but we've come so far from the old days! As a woman who had that kind of body type growing up (had skinny friends, developed early, etc. it all was uncomfortable for many reasons. Long story.), it's amazing to see this kind of...semi-body positivity that's quiet and unspoken in a show aimed at everyone, including girls.  If I had seen this character at 13, my mind would've been blown. Kudos!!”

I’m reeeally tired and getting to that point where I get emotional about stupid stuff. However, this isn’t that stupid...maybe? 

We’ve reached a milestone, a kind of apex in American society, where being fat is no longer a running gag and it’s celebrated to be thick and/or a healthy weight. (Not to say skinny isn’t cool and it’s sure as heck better than carry 90+ pounds if it can be helped, but, as I said on Youtube, lots of 90s fat tropes were had, were they not? Every body type has their problems, blessings, and issues.) But, health is also a big issue and losing weight is too. I’m all for losing weight, but I also know what it was like growing up a fat kid, then a fat teenager in the 90s and 2000s when we didn’t have representation and people like Tocorra Jones, Melissa McCarthy,  Ashley Graham and Rebel Wilson around to promote different body shapes and/or being a little heavy or curvy while still being healthy. (Melissa and Rebel have lost weight and I applaud them full circle!)

Anyway, It is downright uplifting to see Sammy in JWCC like this! Being “thicker” than her two female friends doesn’t slow her down or hinder her in anyway. She is not obsessed with food. She is not constantly eating. Likewise, she has an actual personality and an interesting secret and backstory. The fans seem to love her. She is not dressed immodestly and she doesn’t seem to have ANY negative opinions of her body type, for now. Likewise, in a fast paced show like this, no one is talking behind her back about her weight or eating habits (again, for now. This could change in upcoming seasons, we don’t know.) Come to that, she’s fairly intelligent and isn’t dumb. Like, how many times have we seen a fat, dumb person in a show. (I’m looking at you Chris Griffin and Cleveland Jr!) This could’ve gone SO SIDEWAYS in her character creation any number of ways and I’m just amazed it didn’t. However, this maybe is attributed to the show being an action show and not a comedy? In any case, I’m so glad girls of this generation can see it. I wish I’d had it at their age. (It’s probably because her VA is heavy, but heavier than how Sammy is portrayed, to my knowledge. I’ve only seen her years ago on Disney channel.  Who cares why? It happened and I’m glad.) Please be assured, I’m NOT trying promote fat acceptance, just inclusivity, relatability, and representation. 

Like I say all the time, I’m not super heavy. I never was. As I said in the comment, I developed early and had mostly skinny friends growing up. I remember being about 11 and hosting my first sleepover and someone pointing to my arms at my stretch marks, asking what they were. I wasn’t traumatized and they didn’t tease me, but I was a little (a lot?) self-conscious. Like, can we please get the idea out of our head that ONLY pregnant women get stretch marks?? (Cocoa butter companies, hello?!) They can happen to girls that grow tall fast or, like me, you can have them all freaking over because the puberty button in your brain got stuck. (LOL?) And calling them cute things like skin lightning doesn’t really help. My limbs and body still look weird.

I don’t remember seeing many characters shaped like me in shows as a kid or teenager.  Unless maybe Simpsons characters with their pudgy bellies who may be some of the most average, realistic bodies in all of fiction, really. We can’t all be supermodels and body builders. Sailor Moon girls were all thin and leggy. None of the Magic School Bus kids were pudgy, all average and healthy (which is probably a good thing in a way. IDK. Representation is great, but so is promoting healthy eating and healthy shapes. Everything has their place.)  Disney characters were mostly animals at the time, and I didn’t see Recess until Highschool or something at 3 am, and even then, there was only Mikey. Mikey was progressive, but he wasn’t female. Closest I got was Ariel’s (Little Mermaid) sister, Adella ( https://littlemermaid.fandom.com/wiki/Adella) and even then, she had no belly and never animated the same outside of the series with not much character development or anything.

Cassie from Animorphs might’ve been a close second, but, though she was my favorite female character as a kid (not anymore), it was hard to say “OMG, she’s shaped like me!” as it was a book series with few visual aides outside of covers, posters and some toys. 

I remember seeing the singing group Cherish for a few seconds on TV once. A bunch of thick, busty, heavy black girls and I was SO EXCITED because for those few seconds on TV, there were girls that looked like me! Then some years later I found out a few of them lost weight and I was like bleh. (I didn’t follow their music or anything, not even sure how I saw them again.) Not that disapprove, health is essential, and I encourage people to lose weight for themselves, but it was nice having some representation. Except health needs to come first. It’s a two-edged sword if I ever saw one.

Don’t get me started on the sheer amount of girls with small/flat chests on TV. (No offense! See above about body types. Again, it’s about representation and seeing someone that looks like you that was not common in the 90s and early 2000s) I’m picky though. I wanted to see more representation, but the minute I saw it, I was not impressed or annoyed. To my better judgement, I saw a few episodes of something I won’t name with a curvy lead. I found her times dressing up as a man unconvincing and confusing because of her body shape. Other times I was, for lack of a better word, slightly appalled at her own size, even though she somewhat looked like me. I know, it makes no sense. Other times, I was mad at Lizzy Mcguire or another show for having skinny characters with A-cups while I was, er, way past training bras and smaller bras by 14/15 when the show was new.

Swearz, I developed (pun not intended!) this weird conspiracy theory that Disney execs have to look at the Star’s mom and other women in their family before casting a girl to make sure she stays thin/average chested for the shows entire run. Outside of one show, all shows in that era had the same thin girl body type. (And not much representation for different races for Disney back then, but that’s another debate for someone to better handle, not me.) 

All that said, my shape was attributed to four things: Diet, genetics, lack of exercise and my mom’s cooking. Not sure how much I subscribe to the “genetics effect body fat theory”, but the “genetics effect body shape” is definitely a thing! And hormones in chicken. My family said all I ever wanted when I was little was McDonald’s chicken nuggets all the time, so I think that had some play in how I turned out. It’s probably too much to get into here, and no one cares about my sob story, so let’s move on.

Sammy is awesome and I hope to see more characters like her from other studios in the future. Every body type needs representation, but every body also deserves to be healthy and nourished.

EDIT: WARNING: THE VIDEO AND  THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS TALK ABOUT ED AND CALORIE RESTRICTION!!

OMAHGAWWWD! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE INDUSTRY, Y’ALL!! (Okay, that’s obvious, but you don’t really give it thought in your day to day life.)

The video gives a summary of Jenette McCurdy’s time on iCarly and the horrors she’d been going through in her younger years, which included an eating disorder and restricting calories to an (alleged) 900. Dear lord, that is sickening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCE1x_chT34

Granted, I would take this with a small grain of salt as it’s from the internet, and undoubtedly, many actresses, probably more than we realize, have ED’s. If they would start encouraging them to be at healthy weights, things like this wouldn’t happen. Frick Nickelodeon and frick the acting industry!! 

So, this was what I was trying to convey. Casting and producers need to find that middle ground. Don’t promote fact acceptance, but do not force your actors/actresses to be stick thin either.  I could go on a huge tangent, but I don’t have the brain power right now. If you have an ED or know someone that does, I strongly encourage you to get help. I’ve been in tight spots like that (I knew of people or knew people), but getting REAL help from a doctor, professional, or someone with a good head on their shoulders is better than hiding it or keeping it secret. Ten years down the line, you’ll be thankful you did and not have regret. No one is perfect, but sometimes you have to fight harder to find a solution and someone that will actually listen to you and take your concerns to heart. 

If I get negative comments, I’ll be deleting this and no one will be able to enjoy it. Think before you type and don’t be a jerk.

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

Everything You Need | Billy Batson

Pairing (platonic): Billy Batson x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 2k

Request: could you write an Ff with Billy Batson where s/o is his best friend who always makes everyone laugh, but in reality she is mega unhappy with her looks and hates herself? So she decides not to eat anymore, but Billy notices this and wants to stop her? Sorry if it’s too dark.

Warnings: angst, mentions of food and an unhealthy relationship with it, self-hate, depictions of worry/light anxiety, fluff, open ending.

A/N: I assumed anon meant “reader” instead of “s/o.” Either way, both the reader and Billy are 16 in this and the ending is open in case anyone wants a part two.

Gif credit @justiceleague

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Billy admired you. He didn’t consider himself a bad person anymore, but if he compared his attitude to yours, he fell short. You were the kindest soul he would ever meet, always giving your best to everyone, caring for and about your friends — you even helped strangers, offering to do things they couldn’t for whatever reason, and constantly making sure people around you were comfortable. You were the funniest person in his life, never failing to make people laugh, the nicest, one of the smartest.

You made people happy, you made him happy, and it worried him because he had observed you were acting weirdly lately. Maybe you were just tired because of school, or maybe he was getting too overprotective — he blamed you for the second one, but not in a bad way anymore. Not long ago he had found relying on people or having people rely on him pointless, frightening at times; Billy now saw it as less of a nuisance and more as a responsibility.

However it was hard, like every responsibility, and it not being his only one didn’t help. He was getting better at putting up with his teachers, though, that was something.

He turned around to look at you before the class started, as he did every day, but you weren’t there. Your usual seat was empty, again, it was the third time that week.

He looked for you everywhere, the art room, the gym, he asked around in case you had gotten there late, he faked having a headache to make sure you weren’t in the infirmary. Everyone but you were in the cafeteria at lunchtime, even Freddy had asked about you when he encountered his brother in the hallways, and by the time the school day finished, he was about to panic.

Billy sighed, relieved, finding you with your back against the big tree you usually made homework under. The park was almost empty apart from a couple sharing an ice cream at the bench meters away from the tree, but you didn’t seem to be paying attention to that.

“Hey.”

Wiping the tears running down your cheeks, you looked up with your eyes wide. “Billy! What are you doing here?”

Your best friend dropped his backpack next to yours, sitting down in front of you instead of beside you in order to fully stare at you. “What are YOUdoing here is the real question.”

Shrugging, you blinked rapidly. He would surely know it if you lied, Billy might be silly sometimes but never dumb — your only option was staying silent.

“(Y/N)? Is something wrong?”

How do you tell someone everything is wrong when you’ve fooled them for years? Hating yourself was easy, natural, but saying it ashamed you. You were utterly terrified he’d find it dumb, that he would think you had lied about everything just because you didn’t show how miserable you were when you simply didn’t want anyone else to feel as bad as you did.

“I’m stressed,” you opted for saying.

Billy nodded in understanding. He lightly placed his hand on your knee in a comforting gesture, “I will help you with all the school stuff, don’t worry!”

Faking a smile, you nodded back, hoping he would take his hand away quickly enough to not realize how plush your legs really were. You didn’t know if you thought it to be better if he didn’t pay attention to it or not which only made it worse.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Billy kept his word. Even though you didn’t really need help with school stuff you went with it, enjoying spending time with him and Freddy who didn’t need help either.

But the problem started when he showed signs of knowing you didn’t need help with homework. Billy noticed every change in your demeanor. Freddy teased him about it when he confided on his brother and best friend that you were acting differently, but Billy was too busy worrying about you to care if he was being teased or not.

The changes were startling, you were tired all the time, and jumpy. It was as if you were hiding something which wasn’t normal in you, sure you kept secrets but you never hid things — definitely not from him. The most worrisome part was how often you skipped lunch and the disgusted look on your face when you saw anyone with food in their grasp.

“Oh my god!” Billy exclaimed, making Freddy drop the bowl of cereal he had been eating for dinner.

“Wh—“

“I’ll tell you later,” Billy interrupted his brother, walking toward the front door. He put his jacket on, zipping it up before swinging the door open and leaving the house in a hurry.

How could it have taken him so long to figure it out? What kind of friend didn’t think something was wrong when one of the most important persons in their life stops taking care of themselves? Or when that person disappears at any time there’s food near them?

The way to your house felt so long that he considered summoning Shazam to get there quicker. He knew it was only the effect the nerves coursing through his veins had on him so he continued running, hoping your mom wouldn’t oppose to him being there that light. He hadn’t really considered it was a little late for visiting.

With no hesitation whatsoever, he rang the doorbell.

He smiled at your mom when she opened the door, “good night, Mrs. (L/N). Is (N/N) busy?”

“She isn’t feeling very well, Billy,” your mom explained, worry clear in her voice.

“Can I see her?”

Your mom looked at him for a prolonged moment. She was about to say no, to let you rest, when she saw the semblance Billy carried. He looked so worried, more than how she imagined she looked, and because of that she decided to spare the teen in front of her the anguish. “Of course, you know where her room is.”

Thanking your mom, he slid past her and made his way toward the stairway. He ran upstairs.

The door of your room opened out of the sudden, prompting you to turn the lamp on. Billy entered, not waiting for you to give him permission and not asking for it either.

He sat down on the edge of your bed, looking at you. The light from the lamp made your reddened eyes more prominent, confirming his assumption that you had been crying.

“Why?” he inquired, wild eyes fixed on your tired ones.

You mumbled, confused, “why what?”

“Why aren’t you eating,” he clarified.

Your heart dropped — a knot formed in your stomach as your pulse quickened. It was the most adrenaline you had felt in weeks, you were sure you would’ve thrown up by now if it wasn’t because he was right, you hadn’t been eating.

“I’m not hungry.” It was a pathetic lie, both you and billy knew. To make matters worse, your stomach rumbled seconds after you lied.

Your best friend glared at you. “(Y/N),” he said your name sternly, “Why?”

You turned your head to not have to face him. “I— I’m not— I don’t like myself.”

“Oh, come on, (N/N)! You’re the most amazing person in the world.”

“I don’t want to be that! Well, I do, yeah, but I don’t—“ your voice cracked, “I mean my appearance, Billy.”

“The only wrong thing with your appearance is how tired you look right now, I’m sure that’ll change if you eat and sleep better.”

God, for the smartest person you knew, Billy was either dense or was trying to force you to be more explicit.

“I’m trying to lose weight. Or at least not gain more,” you said quickly, hoping it didn’t sound as pathetic as you felt.

And you did, oh, you did. You just wanted to be happy with yourself, it wasn’t a crazy wish to have, but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t. Every day you found a new thing to hate about yourself, a new thing anyone could make fun of you for.

Billy stuttered, trying for his words not to come out harsh. It had been really hard to learn not to be abrasive. “Well, maybe you can’t, you know? Genetics have a play there...” he trailed off upon hearing your scoff. He shifted on the bed, now sat in a position that allowed him to fully face you.

He felt something in his chest by seeing you so upset. Similar to what he felt when his siblings had been in danger. Billy wasn’t sure he could save you, though, and it made him feel worse. His mind told him he needed to reprimand you, to make you understand, while his heart told him he needed to comfort you. He was too worried to find a balance, yet he still tried.

He placed a hand on your calf from on top of the duvet. He felt you tense under his touch. “You’re smart, you know it’s not the solution.”

“You’re not helping, Billy. We’ll never agree on this because you are not the one who feels like crap because of their looks.”

“But what looks!?” He exploded, “you’re pretty, (Y/N), you must know that.”

“But I’m fat!”

“That doesn’t change anything! And you are just putting yourself in danger.”

“Maybe I don’t care if I’m in danger,” you bitterly pointed out.

You saw the redness of his cheeks leave his face in a matter of milliseconds. His hand felt heavier on your calf as if he was trying to ground himself.

“I do care,” he said in a breath, “I care a lot. I don’t want to see you tired all the time, or have to see you in a hospital bed being fed through a tube, or...” he couldn’t say it, he didn’t want to ever think about the possibility of you dying.

Your bottom lip trembled. “I don’t want to worry anyone—“

Billy shushed you, “I know, I’m sorry.” He didn’t want you to feel guilty, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault per se. “I’m just scared for you.”

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” you sobbed, hanging your head. Saying it gave you a mixture of anguish and easiness; having somebody to hear you was nice yet you couldn’t help but get overwhelmed by how vulnerable saying it made you feel.

Billy kneeled on your bed, pulling you into a hug with the side of your body against his front. “It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you.”

You rested the left side of your face on him, letting the tears fall down. “I feel like it is.”

“There isn’t, I promise.” He sighed, feeling you shake as you attempted to stop crying. “(N/N),” he whispered softly, “there are other ways to do this. Maybe the answer is not the one you will like at first but your health is the priority.”

“I don’t like hating myself, but I can’t stop. I just want to look at my reflection in the mirror and not focus on everything that’s wrong with my body — I feel like people stare at me in the street and judge me and it makes me hate myself more, I just want it all to stop, Billy.”

Hearing that broke his heart, it truly did. It made him feel impotent to know he couldn’t fix it. What was the point of being a superhero if he couldn’t help all the people he loved? It wasn’t fair for you that he had the ability to save you from everything but your mind.

“We will find a solution,” he assured you.

“How can you be so sure?”

“We always do,” he squeezed you as tightly as he could, “but you have to promise me you will accept it, no matter what it is.”

“And if I can’t promise that?” You asked, scared he would stop being your friend.

Billy rested his chin on top of your head. “We will work on it, on everything you need.”

[bi-rising]

Hi, that anon here.

Listen, I wasn't judging you and I didn't mean to offend you. I felt identified with what you posted (cause a couple of years ago I was too depressed and tired of those situations because of my weight) and offered a solution that worked for me. I didn't know you had medical problems, if I had, I wouldn't have told you that. You're right, I shouldn't have assumed anything.

I am truly sorry.

Let me start by saying that I am, very genuinely, grateful for your apology. It takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong, especially when you were unknowingly harmful, as this message does sound like you are being sincere about it. It means a lot to me that you are willing to own up to your mistakes <3

I'm very happy that you were able to lose weight! I really am. I hope you can see now, though, that just because something works for you, doesn't meant that it works for someone else. And to add to that, it is impossible to know what kind of situations a person is going through or has to deal with by just looking at a photo of an overweight person or hearing someone complain about being fat. I hope you'll be open to listening to me when I say that presuming a person's health, diet, and exercise regiment solely off of their weight (or presumed weight) is one of the base cornerstones of fatphobia which, genuinely, destroys people's confidence, trust, and lives. This isn't me being mean, genuinely, this is me hoping that you now have a better idea of the unseen struggles a lot of overweight people have to go through.

On top of all of that, I also want to apologize. I know that I was very harsh in my reply to you, and I know that I posted some unkind things. I have dealt with fatphobia all of my life to the point that I have done some pretty horrible, terrible things to myself in an effort to lose weight, many of them dangerous and many of them things that should have put me in the hospital. It is extremely difficult to express my annoyance at wanting to find clothes that fit my body, and be told the exact same thing that everyone in my life has always repeated back to me, with various levels of other traumatizing words and behaviors. This is a reason, not an excuse. I definitely should have taken a minute or two before I started to type, bc I am very aware I could have done my usual, which is pull up scientific research and articles from medical professionals and explained my points logically and calmly. I won't say that I totally regret it, because it really did hurt, but I do recognize that I could have gone about that reply in a different way.

Again, thank you for apologizing, and thank you for hopefully coming to a better understanding of how plus sized/overweight/fat people would like to be treated. I can understand wanting to help people, I really do, but I can guarantee that pretty much any advice or comment you make that isn't directly asked for has probably already been said to people like me a hundred times already against our will.

And just a reminder, not just for you, anon, but for everyone: we really are people, just like anyone else, and making our weight out to be a moral failing or a product of our own decisions can really damage our mental--and physical--well being.