#which kind of made it hard to actually focus on school and learning

[tehri]

There's a weird tendency for people to think that if you start something, you obviously finish it no matter what it takes. Especially if this Something is Your Education.

And there's a number of reasons for why I find this take incredibly frustrating, but the number one reason would be the fact that sometimes, the brain does not work that way. Sometimes, the brain holds up one thing and says "this is the most interesting thing in my life" and will hold that up for maybe 3 months before it suddenly drops that thing and declares it garbage fit only to be buried six feet deep and never looked at again.

This is my brain. This is why my education has gone in very weird wobbly paths. I've never been a poor student, I've never been bad at learning, I've never been bad at school. It's just that school lasts longer than my brain is capable of holding on to what it is interested in.

I took a course in creative writing in the early 2010's that lasted just one school-year, and during that course, I lived on the school grounds and I pretty much lived that entire course. By January, my brain was saying "okay, it's been fun, but enough". I struggled my way through the months until the course was over, even if it might not have been very obvious. I was not doing great mentally because my brain had already moved on to other things, but I was still physically and academically stuck in that course because I had to finish it.

"Just force yourself to finish it" is not really a solution. That's making an assumption that you can always force things. A square peg might fit in a triangular hole if you use enough violence to either break the hole or the peg, but it's not going to be a good result, because you were still using the wrong fucking peg.

Which brings me to where I am right now. University. Last year of a five years long degree-program. I am mentally fucking done, and have been for two years. I am still here, not because I am forcing myself to finish it, but because I have had the very wonderful possibility to choose random courses that interest me.

Yeah, it would probably have been better if I chose an area to specialize in. I would probably have an easier time finding work once I'm done. But limiting myself to a single area is not what my brain likes to do, because I have a pretty damn wide field of interests. And I realised pretty early on that if I limited all my electable courses to just a single subject, I would grow to hate that subject and I would grow to hate those courses because I couldn't spread out the way I want to do. So, random courses. I've taken a bunch in history (various areas, including one focused solely on colonialism and another focused solely on stereotypes of North and South and West and East and the tensions between them), I've taken some in philosophy, one about children's rights, one on group dynamics, one on social identity, and so on and so forth. Stuff that I thought sounded interesting.

And this is why I'm still here. This is why I'm not having to force myself to get through this. I finally cracked the code of how to get my brain to cooperate and not just decide that it's time to drop school. Yeah, it would probably be better if I had chosen an area to specialize in - but I would have hated it. I have a wide field of interests for a reason, and my brain jumps between them a lot. So just to ensure that I actually get through this degree, that I actually finish this, I kind of have to accept that this is how my brain works. That I can't just force it. Square peg, triangle hole, all that. I just needed to put the square peg in the right hole - or, perhaps, I needed to make the hole the right shape.

[spiderb00bs]

headcanons of yellowjackets x reader (teen timeline) and reader who is beefy and tall and everyone kind of has a crush on her, but you can make the focus be Lottie Nat and Shauna, please please please

⚽You were always the pride of your parents, always doing every kind of sport you could. If you were any good, you'd be taking lessons.

⚽Your parents never cared that you liked girls - which is amazing for you, actually - just as they never cared that you hated sports or that you liked arts and music. But they always demanded maximum commitment from you in your academic and sporting life.

“I don't care what you like. Just don't let it get in the way of your athletics!”

⚽Your parents were ice skaters, and when your mother became pregnant, they gave up everything for you, which is one of the main reasons why they won't leave you alone until you're a full athlete.

⚽When you went to high school, your parents immediately pressured you to join the girls' soccer team. And lucky for them, you were quite a player.

⚽You had it all, the muscles, the speed, the physical fitness, everything. You could certainly have been team captain if you'd cared enough.

⚽Soccer wasn't your favorite sport, in fact, you didn't even like all those sports your parents pushed you into, but you knew that this was something very important to them, so you sacrificed a little.

⚽You learned to like the Yellowjackets, you learned to put up with the training, and you learned to make friends with all those girls. Being in the sports world wasn't easy, especially when everyone saw you as an imminent threat.

⚽But that wasn't the case with the girls on the team. They liked you, they were friendly and nice, never treating you like an opponent.

🦌The first to approach you was Lottie. She complimented your expensive soccer shoes and laughed when you made a joke about stealing them from a store. She became very comfortable with you from then on.

🦌You were seen together in the hallways, and Lottie was always very physical. Holding your hands, hugging your shoulders and holding your biceps while laughing at something you said. She was nice.

🃏And then came Natalie.

🃏The girl with the bleached hair appeared to you as a really unexpected surprise. The one you didn't suspect, the one you didn't even know existed.

🃏Not that you hadn't noticed Nat, but she seemed from a completely different world to you. Always getting into trouble with her friends and skipping classes. You only saw her at training and you'd never really spoken to her before.

🃏You don't usually talk much, you're quieter, in the way that made people want to know more about you. But no Nat, the blonde girl hadn't really noticed you until that fateful day.

🃏Seeing the girl walking down the sidewalk and being bothered by two guys in a car was worrying, you walked close to her just to make sure nothing happened. And just as you imagined, one of them got out of the car when Nat didn't pay any attention to the idiotic words he was spewing at her.

🃏When you saw the boy get out of the passenger seat to reach the blonde, you hurried your steps, shouting at him when you saw the idiot grab one of her arms.

🃏He didn't even see you coming, or the punch you threw at him. Falling to the ground, the boy groaned in pain, while the other one sped off in his stupid convertible car.

🃏You accompanied Nat home that day - or at least as far as she allowed - just to make sure the other boy didn't come back to disturb the blonde.

🃏Nat started paying more attention to you from that day on.

🖊️🎀The next ones were Shauna and Jackie, yes, because if you have the attention of one, you have the attention of both.

🎀Jackie was the first to talk to you, but Shauna had been watching you from afar for a long time.

🎀It was hard to understand the mixed signals Jackie was giving you, she was very flirty, but she had a boyfriend, and you honestly didn't understand what all the small talk she was having with you was about.

🖊️With Shauna it was different, you saw her through Jackie. Not that you didn't like the Taylor girl, but you didn't want to get involved in whatever was going on between her and her boyfriend.

🖊️So whenever the Yellowjackets' captain wasn't in sight, you got a little closer to Shauna. You thought it was cute how she could always talk about things she liked around you.

🖊️🎀And you may not have noticed the look on her face, but the Taylor girl saw from afar when Shauna's eyes lit up when she talked to you in the stands, or when she was away with Jeff at lunchtime. she always watched.

👓Just like Misty.

👓You didn't know Misty very well, you only knew that she was in love with Coach Scott. The poor girl would completely lose it around the guy, who was obviously gay. You knew one of your own when you saw one, but you thought it best to leave that to yourself.

👓You and the girl with the curls never had a full interaction, but you noticed the looks she gave you when you were a bit nicer to her than the other girls.

👆If you hardly noticed Misty, you didn't even know Mari existed. At least not until you saw her at the nationals party and discovered that she was basically a born follower of Jackie.

👆All you saw of Mari was the completely drunk girl blatantly trying to flirt with you. You thought it was funny at first, but how clueless she seemed made you a little worried.

👆You didn't have much time to check the girl out, at least not when Lottie pulled you away from her when she saw that Mari was too close to you.

🦌You and Lottie kissed that night. The night before the nationals, the night before all the chaos happened.

⚽That night, Shauna saw you and Lottie kissing. That night she got into a fight with Taissa. You remember how you and Van tried to defuse the situation, and you remember whispering a little apology to Laura Lee when all the girls told her to shut up.

🧤You remember Jackie forcing all of you to say kind words to each other. You remember telling Van that you loved her hair, and that she was a great goalkeeper.

🧠And you remember telling Tai that you loved her intelligence, and that you thought she was one of the most beautiful girls you'd ever seen.

⚽You also remember giving Lottie and Nat a lift - the blonde finally told you where she lived - that night, dropping Lottie off first, and then dropping Nat off.

🃏Except that the blonde girl didn't get out of your car. She looked at you, unbuckled her seatbelt and jumped on you, kissing your lips with desire.

🃏The next thing you know, you're in the car alone as Nat pulls into the trailer park.

⚽After the plane crashed, it was as if something had clicked in your head, everything seemed to have changed.

⚽On the one hand, it was the first time in years that you didn't have to race against time and do everything your parents wanted. But on the other hand, you were stuck with a bunch of teenage girls who were starting to get very strange.

🦌The weird stuff started with Lottie's visions. You were the girl's safe haven, Lottie couldn't stay away from you for long. And of course you were able to notice how strange things started to get.

🦌The shivers she got when you went into the cabin, that stupid game of conjuring up ghosts or some shit like that. You saw a version of Lottie you'd never seen before, and as much as you didn't want to, it scared you a little.

🃏You didn't have much time to discuss it with her, at least not when you were one of the ones chosen to hunt with Nat and Travis. The blonde girl practically forced you to go along with her because she didn't want to spend time alone with the Martinez boy.

⚽you didn't tell Lottie about how you kissed Nat that night. And you certainly didn't tell Nat how Lottie had kissed you hours before the kiss happened.

🃏When Lottie walked away, things between you and Nat started to blossom. Even though Lottie kissed you at the party, and you've been a great support to her ever since, you've never talked about dating. And that's why you allowed yourself to test the waters with Nat.

👔It was clear that you wanted to push a certain boy away.

👔You didn't like Travis, but observing had always been your strong suit, and you could clearly see that the boy wasn't at all happy to see you and Nat getting close.

👔Travis was clearly insecure, you could see it a mile away, and it all intensified when the girls seemed to look more at you than at him.

👔It started small, the girls complimenting you and your physique when you took a dip in the lake. And although he heard Mari say that he was hot, he also heard when Jackie said;

“Ew, you can't be that desperate… at least not when she's here,” while pointing at you.

👔Then it was with the gun, you were good, you knocked over all the cans without even looking at them properly. It seemed easy to you, like second nature, and Travis hated it.

👔It got worse when he tried to chop wood. You needed wood for the fireplace, and Travis quickly grabbed the axe, a proud smile on his face when he managed to chop the first board. Happy to finally be able to show that he was better than you at something.

👔But as the morning wore on, the Martinez boy's arms grew tired, and before long, Taissa simply told him to get some rest, saying that you would take over from now on.

👔You missed the look of anger and his jaw twitching with rage when he saw how much faster you cut the wood. And you certainly missed the angry snort he let out as he stomped away after seeing some girls spying on you doing the heavy lifting.

🎀Jackie was there, watching you too. Although the girl felt useless in the wilderness, she always forgot when she looked at you.

Then the doomcoming happened.

🎀Jackie dragged you away from the girls while the party was going on. She brought you back to the cabin, whispering to you all her intentions from the start.

🎀Telling you how much she wanted you, telling you that you were better than Jeff, telling you everything she ever wanted to tell you.

🎀Until she stopped talking and your lips were pressed together.

⚽You hadn't seen Nat anywhere at the party, and you didn't have anything serious, it was more like escapes to relieve each other.

⚽At that point, you thought you were going to die, so you were going to enjoy whatever the wilderness gave you.

⚽But that night ended badly for you.

⚽Being kissed by all those girls, and then chased and tied to a tree with a pine cone in your mouth, just waiting for Shauna to put a knife to your throat and have the courage to do what Lottie was saying needed to be done.

⚽That night may not have ended so well for you, but you can't complain, at least not after what happened to Jackie.

⚽When winter came, everything seemed robotic. You hunted, chopped wood, ate, slept and did it all over again.

⚽Your brain went on high alert after that episode - which you later discovered was because of Misty's mushrooms - and since then you've been on the back foot with all the girls, except Nat.

🃏Things between the two of you were going well, but in a friendly way. Nat knew that everyone was going through a difficult time over the winter, and after what you experienced that night, she gave you a bit of space.

🖊️Everyone knew that that night was a blur, but it was still very vivid in your memory. Incredibly, Shauna was the first to apologize.

🖊️You always knocked on the fridge door when she was inside, with Jackie's dead body. Reminding her that dinner was about to be served and that she needed to go in.

🖊️It was you that Shauna held on to when everyone agreed that they were going to put an end to Jackie's corpse.

🖊️And she clung to you even tighter when you actually put an end to Jackie's corpse.

🖊️You never thought that Shauna would see you as anything other than a friend. But you were wrong.

🖊️You were the first (and only) person Shauna became attached to after Jackie's death, and I mean it!

🖊️You're the mother of her baby, no matter what anyone says, no matter that Jeff is the real father, no matter that you don't know!

🖊️You're her baby's mother!

🖊️Maybe it's the fact that you're always there, you always make sure that she eats well (within the conditions of the wild), giving her some of your food so that she has milk to breastfeed her baby. you always make sure that she sleeps well, she even says that she only sleeps well when she's next to you. You do everything for her and that's what makes her start to believe that you're the mother of her baby and that you're going to get married when you get out of that hell.

🖊️When she loses her baby, you're the only person who can "comfort" her. Letting her have her space, and she still feels everything so strongly.

🖊️you can't blame her, she's just lost a child. That's simply traumatizing, and adding it to everything you've been through, you understand why she's so sad.

🖊️Honestly, you didn't think much of it. You were Shauna's shoulder to lean on, right?! Someone she could confide in and expect loyalty from. At least that's what she thought.

⚽So imagine how mad she was when you swore loyalty to Natalie. Your new queen, the one you had to swear loyalty to for your life, the one the cards picked out.

⚽The same girl who stole you from Shauna's hands.

⚽But you certainly didn't imagine what would come next.

⚽Nat was the Antler Queen. Shauna was out of control. Lottie was some kind of God.

⚽And you, well, you were in the middle of the crossfire.

⚽Ever since Shuana had become this authoritarian figure, she and Nat were always in a silent battle.

⚽You were always caught in the middle, trying to make things cool between them, which only ended up making things worse for you.

🖊️🃏While Shauna would purposely push you, bump into your shoulders just to get a reaction out of you, and leave angry bruises on your skin when you played "capture the bone". Natalie would wipe the blood off Shauna's bites, kiss the purple bruises on your skin and draw imaginary stars around your scars.

🖊️And that certainly made Shauna much angrier than before.

🖊️And everything got worse! The discreet (not so discreet) threats, the macabre tone of voice, the scary stares… everything made you scared to death of Shauna.

🖊️And that's exactly why you had to raise your hand and declare your vote against Coach Ben.

⚽You didn't want to, you swear you didn't! But the look Shauna gave you as she whispered the words "You're dead!" was enough to make you raise your hand in the same second.

🃏You couldn't look Nat in the eye after that, and apparently, neither could she,, since you were practically thrown out of the hut you shared, standing for a few minutes at the makeshift door before being dragged away.

🖊️You didn't even have to look up to see that it was Shauna. You felt it, the rough touch on your skin telling you everything you needed to know.

🦌However, not looking up made you miss the look of curiosity that Lottie was giving you. That puppy look, that look of pity, that look that said "I can take care of you!"

🦌You and Lottie hadn't been very close since the beating Shauna had given the girl, and although you didn't have that much time to think about Lottie, you sometimes found yourself wondering what your relationship would have been like if none of this had happened. After all, Lottie was your first.

⚽The rest of the days are almost a blur for you, living on Shauna's threats, Lottie's strange looks and Natalie's disturbing silence.

⚽You didn't want Coach Ben to die, but you almost thanked him the day it happened, the day Natalie killed him.

🃏You saw her coming out of her cabin, knife in hand, ready to do what should have been done a long time ago.

🖊️You were cautious as you pulled a sleeping Shauna off your chest, walking slowly towards the faded-haired girl.

🃏That night, Natalie spoke to you for the first time, that night, you supported her decision, that night, you apologized to her.

🖊️And when day broke and Shauna didn't find you by her side, she was furious. She was even more furious when you defended Natalie, when you wouldn't let her be killed and when you stood in front of her, daring anyone to walk over you.

🖊️Shauna had never seen this side of you, and she certainly didn't like it. The way you put yourself above her word, the way you seemed to have finally discovered that you were much bigger and stronger than the Shipman girl made her teeth grind.

🃏all this to defend Natalie.

⚽When Lottie announced that she would be the new queen, your stomach churned, you thought you had finally achieved a form of rebellion, free from Shauna's grip on you.

⚽That day, you helped Natalie prepare dinner. That night, you saw Shauna holding hands with Melissa, and that night, you saw Lottie kill your chance to go home.

⚽You certainly weren't a fan of punching or hurting people, but you can't lie and say you didn't let a little smile slip when the other guy shot an arrow at Melissa.

⚽You knew that girl was circling Shauna the whole time, waiting for a chance to present herself as the obedient dog she so desperately wanted to be.

⚽But you didn't care.

⚽Running through the woods to catch those strange people so they could finally take you home.

🃏You remember running a few meters on your own, before feeling Natalie's hand slip through yours, running along with you, squeezing your hand for comfort.

🖊️🃏You also remember Shauna's body passing between you with enough force to break your entwined hands.

"Come on, it's not time for this kind of bullshit!"

⚽You returned to the camp with Hannah that night. You also remember interrogating the woman. You don't even know what you asked, because the important thing was that you were all going home!

⚽At least you were, until Lottie started saying the strangest fucking things! She gave you a knowing look, as if silently asking if you really wanted to go back to your fake life, living the life of your parents.

🃏You almost let yourself be convinced, but Natalie's warm hand sliding over yours brought you back to reality.

🖊️That seemed to awaken something in Shauna, who quickly joined Lottie's side. It was the second time she had used the girl, using the crazy things she said for her own benefit, a twisted way of getting you closer to her.

⚽You didn't go home.

⚽But nothing could stop you from hatching a plan to make it happen.

🖊️You knew Shauna had noticed, you knew she was furious. Fortunately, you were no longer her punching bag.

🖊️It was foolish of you to think that the consequences of Shauna Shipman's actions wouldn't come back to you.

🖊️When Shauna's scream chased Melissa out of the cabin, you felt a shiver run down your spine.

🖊️That scream used to be directed at you.

"NOBODY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU TILL ME!"

🖊️Those words probably hurt, but you have no idea how it got to you, the whole thing escalating too high for you to keep up.

"All right, go back to her." Melissa said, pointing with her head in your direction. Turning her back soon after. "Just don't come crying to me when she realizes you're fucking crazy."

🖊️The sound of the gun, Melissa turning around, her hands shaking, Shauna telling you to repeat what you said…

🖊️The shot.

🖊️You saw it all. The shame of a girl standing there with wet pants, even Shauna's stupid, cruel smile.

⚽You didn't understand, the whole thing had turned all of you into animals! How could Shauna, the girl who liked to write and made fun of you for watching bad movies, now be terrorizing people? How Lottie, the sweet girl who talked to you on the first day, told you her secrets, made you feel special. Was she now a completely insane girl, killing people for the sake of the wilderness?

🃏You became attached to Nat, she was the closest thing you had to humanity, the closest thing you had to home.

🃏The closest thing you ever had to love.

🃏And out of love, you did what you had to do. Out of love, on that winter's day, in the midst of all that savagery, in the midst of all that, you found yourself by Nat's side.

🃏Kissing her lovingly after she and Hannah had changed clothes, asking if you could go with her, telling her that you loved her.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"Of course I do, you idiot."

🃏You remember leaning your forehead against Natalie's, your two breaths mingling before she nudged you lightly with a smile on her lips, telling you that everything would be all right.

⚽You watched the girl head off in the direction of the mountains, you took a deep breath before following Hannah back to the campsite, intertwining your fingers with the woman's as Shauna looked in the direction of the two of you.

🖊️You winced when Shauna spoke to "Nat", hoping that it was enough of a distraction for your girlfriend to make it to her destination.

🖊️You held your breath when Shauna removed the mask from Hannah's face, revealing the woman's face.

🖊️But you couldn't help the little smile that escaped your lips when Shauna grabbed the thick fabric of your clothes, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"WHERE THE HELL IS NATALIE?"

Okay, I don't really know if this is good, but I hope you like it Anon <3

ngl, I love writing for Beefy!reader (I see myself in this)

[interstellarrisa]

Some subconscious fun

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You might've heard people saying that are our brain is amazing and capable of astounding things and well they're not wrong. Your brain is the most complex organ in the body with billions of neurons that have trillions of connections called synapses that makes it able to communicate, with this information how can we say that it's not amazing?

Our consciousness is thought to sit at the cerebral cortex and is said to have three levels to it. The conscious, subconscious and unconscious. They're all tasked with different things. I'll explain them all...

The conscious: This is the part that we have control over, our thoughts, feelings, decisions and acknowledgement are all made here. It's what you're using right now to read this post and also where the awareness of you reading this post is. Basically thoughts, feelings and awareness.

The subconscious: It's not in the current focus of our awareness hence called the subconscious mind. It's a barrier that's put up by our mind so that we don't become overwhelmed by all the information that we get when we interact with this world. For example our nose in the center of our vision, the feeling of our clothes or our tongue resting on the roof of our mouth. Because of this barrier we're allowed to focus our awareness on more important decision making and cognitive tasks without getting overwhelmed. This can be noticed when we decide (conscious) to pick up a new skill which can be hard to learn and do before we become a natural at it which then makes it an automatic (subconscious) skill.

The unconscious: It's perhaps the most mysterious form of consciousness since it's not available for introspection or analysis. We do know that it's a hoard of feelings, thoughts and memories lost from our conscious mind, it contains the painful past that we might simply want to forget about. Some people say that we never forget and that it just get's buried deep down within our mind and with the right signals we can recover the forgotten memories.

Now to the fun part. It's a small "experiment" that you can do every night just to see how amazing your subconscious mind truly is. Firstly I haven't found any article's stating that this is your subconscious minds doing, some say it might be your circadian rhythm (internal body clock) but I personally assume that it's your subconscious and if you know loa let's just go with it.

The experiment is you controlling when you wake up. You might go "really, that's it?" but when you first do it and it works it'll feel a bit 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂, anyways here's what to do.

Go to bed. Doesn't need to be nighttime you just need to go to sleep for this.

While falling asleep tell yourself that you'll wake up in xxx hours/minutes. For example you go to bed at 00:00 and want to wake up in 8 hours, naturally that would be 08:00 so just affirm "I will wake up in 8 hours." or "I will wake up at 08:00"

Drift off to sleep~

Wake up and check the time and it should be the designated time.

This is actually a technique used a lot in lucid dreaming method's and could also be used in shifting/manifesting/void method's. Since the brain is just like a sponge when you wake up it absorbs any kind of information presented it with and sometimes induces "hallucinations". I'd recommend shorting the time you sleep if you're gonna use it as a method though. It's also pretty similar if not the same to SATS.

This has worked for me on multiple occasions and if you wake up and the time doesn't match when you wanted to wake up it might be because you already woke up earlier and just went back to sleep and forgot about it later, happened with me a few times but because of signals I remembered. I even got rid of my alarm for school because of this and I still woke up in time for school.

warning: if this post does NOT resonate with you or your beliefs feel free to ignore it, you don't need to send hate or make posts on how stupid this is or that it's wrong. some might misunderstand this post (like the last one) and make misguided comments, please think a little before you open your mouth :). yapping session is cause i'm really interested in this topic lol.

[bakug0uzb1thc]

hii, can I request katsuki x black reader

Ofcc!! :3

(Okay my pharmacist is cool asf but super soft spoken so this is where I got the idea for Y/ns personality— sorry if it’s not what you asked for my writers block is getting bad >_<)

Katsuki Bakugou x fem! Black! Reader :3

────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────────

Katsuki wasn’t sure how to act around you— he was honestly kind of afraid of you, scared you’d put him in his place becuase he saw you do it to some guy that bumped into you on the street and he learned not to fuck with you.

The thing was, you didn’t know how to act around him either. he would always stare at you and it confused you, was it becuase of your soft spoken demeanor or the way you dressed or was it becuase you were the only person of color in the whole school?

(I love thinking Mina is a poc but I won’t let hc’s interfere.)

You wanted to confront him because it was genuinely getting on your nerves, how he would cower away from you Everytime you walked by.

“Why is Bakugou so..” you trailed off discussing the matter with the 1-A girls.

“Angry?” Mina spoke up.

“Annoying?” Tsuyu added on.

“Obnoxious?” Ochako put in the last word.

“shy..” you blinked at the other girls. Yes he was all those things but you’ve never experienced this ‘annoying, Obnoxious, Angry Bakugou’ before and it ticked you off.

Did he not see you as an equal or did he have a soft for you….?

You shook off the stupid thought and came to an agreement that you would confront him.

“What is up with you?” You walked up to him during lunch, your arms crossed and your eyebrows furrowed.

“What-“ he jumped hearing your voice “You know what I’m talking about don’t play dumb.” You scoff uncrossing your arms.

You put your hands on your hips standing your ground but there really wasn’t any reason to do so.

“I’m not- I just don’t know how to act around you..” this baffled you, but you got an idea of what he was getting at and it made you pissed.

“Why? Is it because my skin—“ you started but he jumped to tell you that was not the reason. “The fuck? It has nothing to do with that..” his eyes once trying to focus on anything but you now looked straight at you.

“Spit it out then.” Your hands fall to your side in embarrassment, thinking that he was scared because of something else and this time it was you who looked anywhere but him.

“I saw you yell at some guy on the street-“

You laughed. Laughed Hard.

It was the funniest thing you’ve heard and the funniest situation you’d ever been in.

“W-what’s so funny??” He turned an embarrassed shade of pink unsure of what to do.

“Omg- that’s the reason?” You clenched your stomach in a fit of laughter. “y-yeah..so what idiot.” he pouted which made you tear up through your giggles.

After that you guys actually got pretty close, having some of the same interests and inspirations.

Once you two started dating It would always makes you laugh when someone asked ‘how did you and Bakugou get so close’ and you tell them the story.

yayayyayayayayayayayay :D

[logan-fields-official]

Hey I have a request if you mind!

Reader x sbg character and reader is like crazy strong and is the same height as Ben but isn't a softie at all but more aggressive and always seems to find themselves in a fight.

Thank you for your time!

Hi! I don't mind at all!

SBG Main Six x tall Aggressive reader

Word count:3000

Ashlyn:

She’s really weary of you. Though she’s weary of everyone. Ashlyn is small compared to you. Really small as she’s like 4’11 maybe 5’0 if she’s lucky. Ashlyn 100% has some strength, but it’s all for the most part in her legs so your stronger then her.

First Meeting:

Ashlyn and you first met on the first day of school. Not to long after she almost died to a shoe. She probably spotted you as your kind of hard to miss.

She would avoid you as she does everyone else. Though you end up in her history class next to her. You both first starting talking when you had noticed she was just wearing earbuds. You probably assumed she was listening to something and asked her what it was.

Ashlyn then ignored you as she does most people. Though Ashlyn did observe you a bit and noticed that you seemed quite bitchy and actually witnessed you fighting someone. So she figured you were like that with everyone.

Phantom dimension:

This was when Ashlyn realized that you weren’t really a bitch. You were just a big grump. Once you had warmed up to the group though you were pretty chill.

Ashlyn first realized this when you started getting protective of the group. She didn’t confirm her suspicions until one night she ended up twisting her ankle and you immediately went to her side to pick her up.

That’s also when she realized just how strong you were. Ashlyn wouldn’t focus to much on it, but she would keep that in mind for later. She would use it to the groups advantage.

Someone Makes Fun of /Catcalls Her:

You and Ashlyn most likely just stay inside so no one can mess with you or anything. Though one day while at school some random dudes were talking and who were checking out and cat calling girls.

Ashlyn and you were were walking by and then the dudes immediately started talking. They were saying things like ‘damn isn’t that the flexible chick? I met her flexibility comes in handy.’

Ashlyn just huffed and like most people ignored them, but you immediately snapped around and started yelling at the dudes. They were flabbergasted that someone was yelling at them. They just snorted and acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

You kept on trying to get them to get them to apologize and when they refused to you fucking SOCKED the shit out of the guy. This started a big fight. After said fight Ashlyn was nice enough to help patch you up.

Aiden:

He’s really curious and slightly weary about you. He just isn’t sure if you should be around his cousin because of his past issues and your history of always getting fights. Which Aiden learns about really quick. Your Taller then Aiden as he stands at 5’4.

First Meeting:

First time you met Aiden was at a store. Aiden was being his usual big back self and was buying snacks. He wanted one of the snacks on the top shelf, but before he could even attempt to climb the shelves to get it, you had reached up and grabbed it for him.

You immediately peeked Aidens curiosity and chattiness cause it’s well Aiden. He’s a very chatty person. Aiden immediately started talking to you and was very excited.

The next day Aiden was at school chatting with Ben when out of the corner of his eye he saw you. You were arguing with some dude and it looked like it was gonna get hella violent. This made Aiden hesitate about befriending you cause well his cousin had anger issues and didn’t need to be around stuff like that.

Phantom Dimension:

By the time y’all where in the phantom dimension Aiden got to know you a lot better and you were actually pretty caring once people got to know you.

This mainly showed when every time Aiden tried to do something stupid you’d either try to stop him or if your to late you help Ben patch him up and scold him.

Aiden knows how strong you are it’s obvious and he fucking loves it. All the time he’s asking you to carry him on your shoulders or lift him up so he can get something he shouldn’t.

Someone Makes Fun of/Catcalls Him:

Aidens the kind of person to honestly not care if someone makes fun of him, he has no shame in the things he does. You and Aiden had planned to hang out at the park one day. Though when you got to the park you say some girl talking to Aiden and she did not seem happy.

You were not about to let people talk crap about Aiden so you walked up to them and told the lady to back off. The girl of course was very snobby and just starts yelling at both of you for literally no reason Karen. That’s when the Karen made the worse mistake of her life, she smacked Aiden for no reason.

You just snapped and of course without using excessive force tackled the girl to the ground and just had her pinned. Police were called and that girl got in huge trouble.

Ben:

At first he doesn’t like you like at all. I mean Ben has history with getting into some nasty fights and he regretted it and hasn’t been a fight until Barron. He didn’t want to get into that habit again. Your not taller then Ben, but you are slightly stronger.

First Meeting:

Ben was just walking in the hallway with Aiden and the rest of the group. When they heard laughing from the corner of the hall. There you and the rest of Barron’s group were. That’s when Ben and the others noticed the man on the group, all bruised. You also had some bruises.

That made Ben think you were just a bully… and we all know how Ben feels about bullies. Ben just avoided you after that. He also didn’t let anyone else go near you. One day you and Ben got paired up for a project.

After a moment of awkward silence you attempted to make small talk with Ben to which he obviously didn’t respond you then said ‘oh not much of a talker? That’s fine I like filling in silence.’ After a while of you talking Ben started to realize that your not as mean as you acted.

Phantom Dimension:

You and Ben are like the perfect duo in the phantom dimension. He’s practically your personal medic. He always ends up having to bandage you up or take care of you. At first you refused his help claiming that you’ve been hurt before and that it isn’t a big deal.

One day while in the phantom dimension you and Ben were both paired up in the phantom dimension. You being the careless person you are ended up a bloody cut up mess by the end of the mission. This lead to Ben taking care of you.

After a while of Ben watching over you he noticed that you were practically asleep since you really had nothing better to do. Ben being the sweetheart he is offered you his shoulder. To which you refused claiming you weren’t tired. That didn’t last long as a couple minutes later you had slumped against Ben fast asleep on his shoulder.

Someone Makes Fun of/Catcalls Him:

Whenever Ben gets bullied he seems like the kind of person to just put his earbuds in and ignore said person. This is exactly what he was planning on doing.

Let’s gets some background information. Ben was just chilling out in the hallways enjoying the peace and quiet and since Ben is known as a gentle giant sometimes dumb people try to bully him.

That’s exactly what happened. Some dumb group of kids decided to try and bully Ben while you were with him. Ben being himself just put his headphones in and ignored them. The kids didn’t like that and ended up snatching Bens earbuds out.

Before Ben could do anything you being the aggressive person you are ended up smacking the dude making him fall to the floor and grabbed Bens earbud back.

Logan:

Fucking terrified of you. Logan deals with bullies all the time and well not only do you hang out with Barron, but you just seem and give off nasty bully vibes. Your a bit taller then him and way stronger. I mean a LOT stronger. Logan 100% has some strength, but you could fucking rag doll him.

First Meeting:

You were apart of Barron’s group that’s how y’all met through Barron. You unlike the rest of the group was actually quite nice, to certain people (the group). Though you had this tough aggressive personality you didn’t like bullying people, well except the bullies.

Logan was one of the victims. Barron and his group one day had Logan shoved against a wall and were gonna beat him up. You had enough, you placed a hand on Barron’s shoulder. Barron turned around, but before he could speak you ended up punching him right in the jaw.

Logan was shocked and instead of being as scared of you as he originally was he started to warm up to you. You brought him to the nurse and patched him up. Logan was still confused as to why you were doing this, but he still let you.

Phantom Dimension:

Yes Logan’s everyone’s look out, but he’s mainly yours. He thought Aiden did risky shit in the phantom dimension, but your worse. You full on don’t give to shit if you don’t have a weapon or how close the phantom is, you would quickly put yourself in danger to help the group.

One time while the group was running away from some phantoms, you had heard a noise to your right. There was a phantom and it had jumped out at Logan and he wouldn’t have had time to pull his gun.

You with no hesitation lunged forward and push Logan out of the way. This causes the phantom to miss Logan, but instead tackle you straight to the ground it’s claws going through your stomach. Thankfully yall were right outside the gate and Logan drags you in after shooting the phantom.

This ends in Logan helping Ben patch you up and him doing stuff for you because he feels so guilty for not reacting quick enough causing you to protect him.

Someone Makes Fun of/Catcalls Him:

Ha! This person should be praying for mercy. The moment someone even looks at Logan wrong you have a massive issue with them and as much as Logan appreciates you sticking up for and caring about him he doesn’t like you getting to fights at all.

One day while you and Logan were hanging out at the library, some random dude decided that he had a issue with you and Logan because y’all seemed to close to him. Though that might have been because you were holding Logan up by the waist so he could get a book he wanted.

The male marched right up to you and Logan after you sat him down and immediately started yelling at you two. He was going on about how that’s not something to do in public or how guys shouldn’t be doing stuff like that. You were quick to argue back.

Since Logan didn’t want you to get into a fight he tried to calm you down and leave. This did work and you were about to leave when the dude muttered ‘Fag*ot’ this made you with no hesitation turned around and KNOCK THE FUCK out of the male. He immediately hit the ground hard with a bloody nose. Logan dragged you out with him.

Taylor:

Taylor’s the kind of person to think that there’s always some good in people no matter how they look or come off as. That means that Taylor was more then willing to give you a chance even if you come off as mean. Your taller then her by about 4 inches and a LOT stronger.

First Meeting:

Taylor and you ended up meeting in school during history. It was the same as normal you got put into their group and let y’all talk for a bit.

You didn’t really talk, but Taylor was quick to fill in the silence. This led to you and Taylor developing some type of love-hate relationship.

The first fight Taylor saw you in she saw the whole thing. The dude walked up to you then just punched you. Of course you immediately retaliated and started beating the shit out of the kid.

After said fight Taylor ended up dragging you to the nurse and patched up any injuries you had.

Phantom Dimension:

This is one of the few times you get along really well with Taylor’s twin Tyler. Every time you or Tyler go on a mission you or Tyler stay back and keep an eye on Taylor.

This leads to you and Taylor spending a lot of time together. You usually end up hurt because you try to protect Taylor and the others. Taylor doesn’t like this and feels guilty, but loves the fact that you care about her and the group.

Taylor and you whenever you can end up taking naps, though you tend to stay up and keep watch while Taylor sleeps.

Someone Makes Fun of Her:

Taylor had force you into a some spa day with her. That’s how you both ended up in some spa room. Taylor was giggling and just being the sweetheart she is chatting with people and helping people when needed.

With you just being a big old grump. You were complaining about how girly it was and all that. Taylor just laughed and said that you just have fragile masculinity. You huff and rolled your eyes. You honestly didn’t really have an issue with this you just wanted to be difficult. That all changes though when some dude starts flirting with Taylor.

Taylor being the sweetheart she is kindly turns the dude down, but he doesn’t listen. This pisses you off and before you and Taylor left you promised Tyler you’d protect her. That’s how you ended up just SOCKING the SHIT out of the dude and dragged Taylor with you to go somewhere else.

Tyler:

Tyler in the beginning 100% HATED you. He despised you, he didn’t want to be around you, he didn’t want you around his sister, he didn’t want you in his or Taylor’s classes. Your barely taller then him as he’s 5’10-5’11. Your stronger then him not by some crazy amount, but your still stronger than him.

First Meeting:

You and Tyler never physically talked until history class. Though Tyler has seen you around the school hanging out with people like Barron a lot. This just lead Tyler to think of you as a massive bitch.

Honestly you and Tyler had probably gotten into a physical fight with each other before. You had just barely won and you both had bruises, cuts, and blood.

It didn’t get much better in history especially when you both were paired up in the same group. When y’all get sent to the phantom dimension together you were really helpful.

Tyler first started to warm up to you when he noticed that you were being nice to Taylor, but not overly nice like you had a crush on her. Then slowly yet surely you and Tyler started to develop a friendship.

Phantom Dimension:

Oh the groups HATES you and Tyler both going on missions or trying to do stuff together. You two bicker back and forth a LOT. It’s annoying and honestly pisses the group off so they leave y’all for the most part separated.

Though one time you and Tyler both had gotten lost from the group. Tyler was flipping out and blaming it on you just because he was panicking and angry since he couldn’t keep an eye on Taylor.

Thanks to Tyler’s separation anxiety he was panicking a lot. This lead to you awkwardly trying to calm him down and comfort him. In the end you had managed to calm Tyler down. You both found some cave area to rest for a bit, though you both feel asleep.

The others of course were looking around for you and Tyler like crazy especially Taylor. After a while the group managed to find you both, but what they weren’t expecting was to see you and Tyler both fast asleep laying against each other.

After you and Tyler both wake up instead at being at your throat Tyler is strangely nice to which you also start to be nice to him.

Someone Makes Fun of Him:

I honestly don’t feel like anyone makes fun of Tyler because we’ll it’s Tyler. He’d have no problem putting someone in their place or knocking the shit out of them. That’s just how Tyler is, a massive hot head.

Though one day one person was stupid enough to come and try to mess with Tyler while you, him, and Taylor were all hanging out. They were saying all kinds of stupid shit about him and Taylor. Sometimes even you get commented on.

You and Tyler just looked at each other for a moment before you both start yelling and insulting the bully back. Even insult he said you and Tyler retaliated back with one a lot more hurtful.

Originally you both were just gonna insult the kid, but then he said something about Tyler’s family and Tyler immediately started throwing hands. You started laughing and cheering Tyler on until one of the dudes friends decided he was gonna join the fight and try to help him beat up Tyler.

You with no hesitation also joined the fight which lead to you and Tyler beating the shit out of two kids. Until Taylor managed to pull you both off.

[mari-lair]

Super curious cause I kinda did this for my swap AU but if Akane wasn’t childhood friends with Aoi, but met her in school (since they’re the same age), then would they still have their whole point system / crush thing going on or 🤔

Cause in my AU, he’s clearly not her childhood friend cause she’s busy being an exorcist and thus never really meets him, or at least doesn’t spend much time with him like canon but still, he crushes on her in middle school and tries to impress her (which leads to him kinda stunting everything about himself because he wants to be exactly like the people she likes without realizing him being himself is fine to her) but the question is, if the crush happens later, then would the same love confessions slash point system slash their whole thing even work?

Those kind of questions are so hard to answer since being 'childhood friends' is a core part of their dynamic but I'll do my best.

I doubt the point system would still happen because of how personal and incredibly childish it feels. There was a lot of circunstances involved to get where they were now.

Take the new timeline for exemple: The engagement made it so the point system was transfered to Teru, it isn't a way to show how impressed/in love Aoi is, it's a way to show how well Teru did on his fake dates.

This happened because Akane no longer confesses to her (Aoi was shocked when he got on his knees at the dinner, his confession clearly wasn't a daily occurence) so there is no way to make a game out of it.

I bring the new timeline to say that HOW Aoi grew up now that Akane is absent from her childhood would deeply shape her.

Her growing up with Teru made her more connected with the supernatural world, and made her more bold and shamelessness compared to old Aoi. Just compare how new Aoi went out of her way to crash what she assumed was a nene and Akane date and the old one hid in her room for a week at the idea.

So depending if she was completely alone during her childhood or if she had another childhood friend in her clan that isn't Akane, it would already reeeeeeeeeeeeallly alter her reaction. No friends means she would be completely alone as a kid and have to learn to defent herself from all the people that harasses her, that wouldn't be a problem to exorcist aoi, who is used to fighting mosters, but it would means she has a bias agaist boys. If they aren't that close, to the point she wouldn't consider them friends, she would just say "I am not interested" instead of keeping it vague.

Even if she think 'akane is nice for a boy' or have any kind of possitive view on him she would not like if he first approached her with a crush.

As for Akane I don't think he would be even half as desperate. Just like he doesn't confess to his engaged childhood friend in the new timeline I can't see him insisting on confessing to a girl that had said point blank she has no interest. And if they ARE close enough for Aoi to not reject him point blank, she have to consider him a very precious friend, and I feel like Akane would focus much much much more on worrying about his friend's exorcist life and how dangerous it is than focus on confessing to her.

That's his main thing, half of the manga is him bending himself to keep her safe. Chapter 69 reveled he looked after her even BEFORE he got a crush, when all Akane saw her as was 'someone weird who is unbothered by bullying'

only after a while of this would he go "wow you actually cares a lot! I am in love"

And even them, keeping her safe is a constant in his mind. Clock keeper contract? Keep her safe from a truck acident. Stalking her? Keep her safe from harrasment (we have zero hints new timeline Akane stalks her so i really doubt akane would stalk an exorcist aoi that can protect herself, unless he stalks her in her job? oooh that would be fun actu- anyways i am getting sidetracked)

I just can't see Akane prioritize impressing her when she is constantly in danger (specially if she is alone). And if they are not that close I would have to ask WHAT made Akane fall in love in high school with Aoi, what was the event? Cause there got to be something she did to catch his attention. Akane does appreciate beauty but he needs more than a pretty face to fall, he acknowladge but don't really care about Teru's beauty, he looked down on Nene for obcessing over looks, and when Kou talk about his old crush on Nene he expect more than just her having a cute face. He also befriended Aoi first instead of getting a insta crush like all the other boys, so on so on.

So there have to be something that made him smitten. I doubt it would be her crying over a fight since they are not that close/ Aoi is tougher and cant handle bullies herself/ she is likely more closed off as an exorcist too. Depending what this event is (maybe she got hurt rescuing him from a supernatural? He was very touched when Aoi fought in chapter 121... Though that would only work if they are close enough for her to care so idk.)

Even if not quite like this, of one thing i'm sure: making Aoi an exorcist and making Akane not be her childhood friend would make their dynamic extremely different from canon, regadless if Aoi has a childhood friend that isn't Akane or not. The circustances that lead aoikane to their weird relationship with points and daily confessions were extremely specific, like, is not just them being childhood friends that got them to this:

Without the clock keepers contract there wouldn't be such a big distance between them, and without said distance Akane wouldn't assume he isn't doing enough and become increasingly more obnoxious in his displays of love in the first place.

[rei-ismyname]

Exceptional X-Men #4 REVIEW

I've been singing the praises of Eve L Ewing and Carmen Carnero's Exceptional X-Men, so let's see what they manage to do now that the premise is established and they've got 5 main characters we're invested in. A benefit of establishing your characters early is that you get to focus on introducing plot elements, special guests, and complications - like serialised storytelling does. Uncanny is a good example of how a lack of focus early on weakens everything you try to do. It's hard to care about The Outliers or Nightcrawler when they feel like wallpaper, and now they're running around an event without knowing who they are. The stakes lay primarily with Rogue. Trista/Bronze is a fantastic example of this done right, and as you'll see we can explore plot developments that wouldn't make sense elsewhere. Spoilers ahoy, caveat emptor.

Trista gets a lot of focus which works because we know who she is and what she wants.

Due to Kate pushing back against taking these kids somewhere isolated for training, we get to see them try to live normal lives. Trista has friends outside the tiny mutant peer group, a crush, and an interest in theatre. She declared last issue that her goal is to not hurt anyone, and she's struggling with what people tell her to be and what she wants. She's a sweet kid, and I'd say there's a racial component to this dichotomy - how black kids are perceived and how they need to act to get by in a white supremacist world. That's outside my experience but I'm invested in how Trista deals navigates the issue. After all, being strong, kind, gentle and lovely aren't mutually exclusive

I hesitate to compare to Uncanny again, but they both have high school scenes and the difference is stark. Westinghouse College Prep is a real life school in Chicago (that Biggie, Jay Z, Busta Rhymes and DMX all went to) and it is ranked pretty highly nationally. According to its website it has 98% minority enrollment. Importantly, it feels like a real school in 2024 with real people attending it, and not just because it actually is one IRL. There's no need to reach for played out generic high school tropes when the characters feel like real people with real problems already - verisimilitude.

After a smash cut to Trista with a sentinel looming over her, we learn that Emma does a pretty damn good Danger Room analogue. Trista seems determined and in control at first, using her different powers in concert effectively. She does manage to Empire Strikes Back trip the Sentinel up, but wigs out when it falls on top of her, understandably. Emma calls it, and we see more proof of why she's considered good at training young mutants.

Bobby's entrance at the end of last issue felt like a cliffhanger by virtue of being on the final page, but I'm glad his presence doesn't derail the plot entirely. It's implied that some time has passed, maybe a week - enough time for Bobby and Trista to get to know each other and enough time for Bobby to feel Kitty is avoiding him. Trista picks up on his odd behaviour and asks Emma about psychic ethics, heh. Her answer is funny and sardonic while still getting the point across. Emma and Trista having one on one time tells us a lot about Emma's sincerity and the trust she's earned through good works.

The subtext of Trista's distraction is made text - she's preoccupied with the audition, her crush, and the fear of exposure/social rejection. While we know this already, or could guess, it's effective to have newer characters tell their story. What they say is as important as what they don't say or how they say it. She responds well to being listened to and positive reinforcement, accepting the reframing of the audition as an opportunity.

Bobby is definitely up to something and acting weird. His persona feels performative. He's explicitly faking bathroom usage to text privately, and while his texting is worded vaguely enough to not give much away, it does seem sinister. At minimum he is lying about why he's there. Kitty picks up on the same weirdness Trista did and she's really not having it. He doesn't have the vibes of a friend seeking or offering support, though Kitty isn't interested in either and tells him to leave. Idk if Bobby even has a home right now - he was living in Antarctica because ORCHIS poisoned him and he couldn't hold a solid form for long. He was back with Romeo last time we saw him but also didn't have a physical body. I can't blame the creators for not explaining that, I have to assume they're under the same editorial direction everyone else is.

Trista's warmup scene has excellent layout, with the other kids' faces in circles next to their supportive texts. It's a clever way of showing their faces in an issue they're mostly absent from, and it's a solid method of variety in an issue with more texting than most. Showtime!

Trista meekly introduces herself to the casting guy/director and he suggests that the lead might not be right for her. He's polite, though she's about to disagree when her mutant life and school life clash in an unexpected way. One of those yellow beasts from X-Force appears from a portal and grabs her crush. You don't need to have been reading X-Force, it's a big monster (that were confirmed to be appearing globally in that book) and it's here. Trista rallies and uses her training to bronze up and get her head in the game.

It's a dangerous situation but has a simple solution suited to Trista's skillset. She grabs it with her tentacle things, ties it up and yeets it through the portal. Her overcoming it with pure force or martial skill would be a bit silly, but by linking her training and the progress she's made with Emma to a simple solution, it feels like an appropriate and believable triumph. Strong yet gentle. Neutralizing the beast and protecting herself and others without using overwhelming violence. It's a very effective character beat and the support/adulation from the theatre people is earned. She nailed the audition, and gets offered her choice of parts, though interestingly she turns it down in favour of her training. The theatre folks show solidarity and swear to keep her mutanthood a secret.

Trista shows up to training and seems more confident, her posture showing strength and positivity. It looks like Bronze, Axo and Melee are all benefiting and even Kate manages a smile. Then she overhears Bobby on the phone while grabbing some equipment. It's not a good look.

What Bobby is saying is so weird that she's not even sure it's him. Kate phases her hand next to his heart and straight up threatens him. He explains that everyone is worried about her and she says she's choosing this life. He tries to bring up ORCHIS and she shuts it down, saying out loud that she killed people. A little too loud, it turns out.

The kids overhear and are horrified, understandably. They're really young and don't have the kind of life experiences that come with being an X-Man - of course they are! Tom Brevoort has made a lot of noise about the X-Men killing people in Fall of X, an argument that has ignored the nuance of being at war with genocidal fascists. The issue hasn't made it to the page in a meaningful way until now, and I couldn't be more impressed. Rooting the issue in Kate's trauma and shame - as something that terrifies the students she's trying to help and likely damaging the trust she's built - approaches it on a believable character level.

This is a big part of what caused Kate to hang up her Spandex and it's something she's going to have to reckon with. Add the kids' emotional and ethical reaction and you've got a fantastic cliffhanger with the promise of explosive drama.

Kate grabs Bobby's phone and it's Rogue on the other end. She doesn't look like she's at Haven or in uniform, so who knows what's going on there? They're clearly ahead of Raid on Graymalkin as Iceman is in league with them, as if that book needs more characters. Kate doesn't care and hangs up on her. I wasn't going to compare to Uncanny a third time, but if the two are crossing over it invites comparison. Kurt's glib comment about thinking he was a murderer felt trite and silly, next to the dramatic execution of Shadowkat's actions being confronted it looks downright amateur. Kate is clearly having a PTSD flashback or intrusive thought during this conversation - whereas it wouldn't work for Bobby or Emma to announce that she has PTSD, for example.

I do enough shitting on Uncanny's writing in my reviews of that book, my point is how well similar beats are executed in this book. Eve L Ewing and Carmen Carnero's Exceptional X-Men is aptly named and frankly, if you're not reading it you're missing out. We know all these characters well enough that we care about their reaction to this revelation. Kate looks like she's about to break down, and Bronze and Axo's body language is heartbreaking. Emma knows shit is about to hit the fan and she's surely aware she killed people in Fall of X too. That's how you do a cliffhanger. Issue #4 managed to do a Trista focus issue, some slice of life, excellent character work, and lit a fuse to explode next issue all in 20 pages.

Exceptional X-Men is fantastic and you should be reading it.

[sillyspero]

Seonghwa the Investigator

Next up for analysis is the oldest member of Ateez, our beautiful Seonghwa. Click here for the masterlist!

Before Fever

Seonghwa's life prior to the main story is somewhat unknown. What is known about Seonghwa's life is that he wasn't happy with whatever he was doing. The Fever Diary Film depicts him in some sort of office, possibly a job he feels stuck in. Regardless, the imagery in the film clearly implies to us that Seonghwa has been blindly following the path of life which has been laid out before him. The event which propels Seonghwa to break away from this path is his encounter with a young woman dancing outside of a drug store or a gas station or something of that extent (a friend of mine likes to call her 7-11 girl). Seonghwa doesn't speak to her but, after she leaves, finds a bracelet which she drops that reads "Be Free". He then vows to be free of his life, dance like her, and find her again. This will prove to be difficult as he does not know her name and she never comes to that spot again.

In the Diaries (Fever & Beyond)

More or less as soon as the story begins, Seonghwa wants out. After the Grimes siblings take the time to explain the history of World Z and the hard work of the Black Pirates' resistance, he says that none of that matters to him at the moment, the only thing that matters is that they retrieve the Cromer from the Android Guardians and get home. I think this is actually the most realistic response from Ateez to learning all this information. Why would any of the history of this place be their responsibility to fix? They got there seemingly by mistake and are young and inexperienced. Why would they believe themselves capable of doing anything about such a prominent issue?

Seonghwa's directness allows him to direct the group's mission towards finding Left Eye in the dump in order to get to the Android Guardian base. When they eventually do get to the Guardian base, Seonghwa is the first to notice and investigate Yeosang's disappearance, who turns out to be okay and gives them the Cromer which he found. Unfortunately, when they're celebrating, Yeosang is grabbed by the Guardians and they're forced to attempt to hand over the Cromer. This is, of course, when Yeosang smashes the Cromer and gets trapped in World Z.

Upon returning to World A for the first time, Seonghwa expresses determination to find and save Yeosang. After Hongjoong suggests his idea to find another Cromer in World A, some of the members push back, talking about the legality of his plan. Seonghwa expresses anger and frustration at this, saying this rigidity to rules reminds him of his old self.

"If it were me in the past, who had a rigid mindset and was scared to break the rules, I would have reacted the same way as the other members ... Maybe this made me even angrier. But now, I'm not the person who I used to be. Saving Yeosang is my top priority." -Fever Epilogue

When they get back to World Z, it is Seonghwa who is the first to enter the room where Yeosang is kept and he is the one to release him. From that point on, Yeosang and Seonghwa stick together frequently in the story. One of the key times when they are paired up is for their infiltration of Prestige Academy. Both of the work together to help the older brother who is struggling to hide his emotions in school and struggling to handle his emotions in general. Yeosang is the one who delivers the speech to help the brother realize that hard emotions are a healthy part of life, but it is Seonghwa who provides the kind smile which convinces the brother it is safe to follow them in the first place. He is described as being protective of the brother, walking behind him and ensuring the door is locked.

Unfortunately, Seonghwa's focus is broken when the leader of the organization at Prestige known as Thunder comes in the room. He's immediately struck by some sort of shocking realization and he struggles to contain his emotions, drawing her attention to him. Seonghwa even goes so far as to grab her wrist and demand why she is there. After this happens, Seonghwa seems a small shift in her face and believes that she is feeling emotions. He watches her carefully to try to catch it again, using the Be Free bracelet to calm himself down.

This girl is, of course, the same girl from World A and Seonghwa had recognized her immediately. He understands that she is not the exact same as the World A girl but is rather the World Z version of her but it is still hard for him to process that this girl in any world would be on the side of evil. This is pretty world shattering. After all this time, hunting for someone who inspired him to break free of the rules of life, he finally found her in a role of rigidity and enforcing of some of the most freedom dampening rules he could have possibly imagined.

"He didn't know whether to be happy or sad. However, just as she had changed his life and set him free that one day, Seonghwa was determined to save her from this world." - The World Ep. 2 Outlaw

As the story moves forward, Seonghwa continues to be observant of everyone around him. When the boy's brother is about to jump from the top floor window, Seonghwa quickly covers the boy's eyes to shield him from such a horrible pain. When the members execute their primary plan to save people at the Prestige Academy that same day, it is Seonghwa who first realizes the boy is getting taken away in the smoke by an Android Guardian and goes in after him. At that moment, however, he gets grabbed by the Thunder girl and is described as willingly following her before he disappears with the boy and the Thunder girl into the smoke.

Seonghwa's decision to follow the girl and investigate whatever is going on with her is scrutinized many times by the other members. First, when they return to the bunker without him, Yeosang in particular is incredibly frustrated with Seonghwa and saw him go in willingly, believing him to now be a traitor. However, Seonghwa returns shortly with a map and it is proven to have been a good choice to trust the girl as she helped them significantly.

The second time it is scrutinized however is a much tougher one. Their bunker is broken into during a crucial time and Guardians kill many resistance members. Wooyoung is quick to blame Seonghwa, assuming she is the leak. Seonghwa is devastated, wondering if he made a mistake. With the four members in the bunker being shocked by the break in, they're not prepared to properly fight back and they get beat up super bad. I can imagine this would be tough for Seonghwa to reckon with.

After all is said and done, the Thunder girl proves to be trustworthy and she ends up taking Seonghwa for a walk. She explains her whole life story and how she decided to try to help save the world. I feel like this conversation is really important for Seonghwa's development as it sort of serves as a way to reinvigorate his faith in people, she becomes an inspiration for him once again. The Thunder girl is pretty attached to Seonghwa as well and so when she fails to shoot Z when the chance is presented to her, she ends up doing so successfully only when Z clutches on to Seonghwa in an attempt to escape. It is her love and care for Seonghwa which provides the right amount of rage for her to carry it out.

Back in World A, Seonghwa is plagued with flashbacks to all the deaths he witnessed. Even though he can now confidently say he wasn't the one who caused the information to be leaked, those deaths still way heavy on him (reasonably so!!). He constantly harkens back to the Thunder girl's memory to decide what he should do and ends up deciding that what she would want him to do would be to try and save people in World A. Thus, he becomes a firefighter.

"Saving oneself is the first step in saving other people. Believe it or not, that's why I decided to become a firefighter. I thought that if I could just pull myself out of my own misery, I would be able to do anything." - Golden Hour Pt. 2

Seonghwa's arc, for now, has ended with him as a firefighter. The closest thing he's gotten to his original dreams was being a model for the firefighter's yearly calendar. At least he's saving people now though, he even saves Jongho from a fire once, the dancing girl always in the back of his mind.

Seonghwa's Primary Symbols:

-Be Free bracelet (ie Fever Diary Film, Halazia)

-Light (ie Wonderland, Halazia Epilogue, arguably the chandelier in Ice on My Teeth)

Seonghwa's Primary Character Traits:

-observant

-independent

-honest

-brave

Closing Thoughts

Seonghwa manages to be simultaneously one of the most selfless members while also managing to consistently break out from the group out of his own ideas without really caring what the other members want from him. I think it's this constant juggling of his desire to be free of all rules and instruction and his desire to care for his members (Yeosang in particular) that provides the complexity for his character. Regardless of anything else, Seonghwa had an ongoing search and he stuck to it, all the way to the end. I hope that his firefighting job won't cause him more trauma later down the line.

Please send in any questions and please look forward to the next deep dive tomorrow! I'll be releasing them at the same time each day for the next week :) I hope this was interesting!

[thelemoncoffee]

excuse me i'm just going to just copy/paste some rambling i sent on discord and call it a post. this is loooonnggg and kinda incoherent

stupid self indulgence is stupid but sometimes i think about an au where half way through his second year at HPA, Kokichi decides to drop out because he can't keep up with the image he made for himself. like he spends a whole year and a half being the asshole class clown of the class, but this is on top of having nearly dropped out of his previous school (hc: military adjacent) because they didn't like him there either due to his differing ideals for what a leader looks like. he's human and despite being very good at covering up his pain, there's still only so much he can take, so when he finally reaches that breaking point he drops out of HPA and just goes home

he told no one at HPA, just one day he was there and the next he's gone and never comes back again. he spends his time at home doing more with his families, both DICE and blood, as well as trying to find himself a job that doesn't suck major balls. he's lowkey depressed that he gave up so hard on his dream of becoming the best leader he could possibly be, but the road to it he'd been carving was insanely self destructive because he by nature can't follow the rules.

i can just kinda imagine the conversation he had with his parents about it before dropping out. his explanation is; 1) he isn't being taught new things on how to be a leader because HPA expects him to just figure it out on his own with the tools they give him. 2) he can't get but one person in the whole school to actually follow his lead (Gonta) and he thinks he's far too nice of a person to be dragged around like that. 3) because of his paranoia no one there really likes him so he's constantly fighting with people and digging his hole deeper- which he fully take credit for, he knows it's his fault- and if he were to ever stop no one would believe him at this point and it wouldn't change how they see him. 4) he's doing all of this just for a little paper that says he's the former ult leader, but really what the fuck kind of job would accept a vague ass title like that- and even if they did how many would his leadership actually be fit for?

to him, he's failed his mission to become the greatest leader, and he knows it's he himself who's to blame. DICE also can't last forever because while they may remain friends, they'll all grow up and get their own jobs they gotta focus on, some have already, and what little leadership he has to his name will fizzle away into weekend hangouts. he decides maybe he can go to a collage instead to get a degree in something he's good at, maybe a few different ones- just rummage through his bag of skills till he finds something that works. i really really like thinking about Kokichi's self image and how it affects how he handles being outside of HPA

i imagine he'd still have contact with only two people in total from HPA; Miu and Kaz (Kaz makes sense in my hcs i swear). Shuichi ended up finding out about what had happened to Kokichi from Miu and decided to try and get into contact with him again, which surprised the hell out of Kokichi because he thought Shuichi would be one of the people glad to see him gone- what with all the headaches and bullshit he put him through. little did he know- Shuichi's just as stubborn as he is……. and also he fell hard for him but that's totally beside the point

this is mostly about Kokichi's struggle, Shuichi prying his way back into his life is just a very pleasant bonus that makes Kokichi's life a little less hell. forces him to learn to open up to people again, something he failed to do with anyone at hpa in this au. the last time he opened up to someone that wasn't already in his close circle was when he was 16 and saved what would later become the final member of DICE, many got close but something usually stopped it before he could fully open up, making him want to open up even less

Shuichi's new. he stubborn, and really patient with him, and refuses to leave but doesn't push either. he's just there, waiting for him. he's not trying to forcefully help Kokichi better his life, but he's also not leaving him alone. he makes sure Kokichi knows he's always there for him, even if he doesn't take his help, so Kokichi can't just block him out like he tried before. luring him like a spicy kitten, he's got support, but Kokichi's gotta make an effort himself. the only thing Shuichi really ever makes any effort to push a little is trying to get Kokichi to come back to HPA, saying it's strange without him there and many people actually miss him despite what he thinks they think of him

i think it'd be wholesome if Kokichi decided to come back for the final year after both spending the last half his second year and the whole summer trying to fix his shit, and getting into contact with Kirigiri to confirm that yes he's allowed to come back without having to make up the lost time- if Rantaro can be gone half the year on trips Kokichi can be gone half a year for mental health.

actually imagine from the class's pov: half way through the year the chaos clown vanishes and it's not until like a month later everyone finds out via Miu and Shuichi that he's gone for good, then you spend the remainder of the year without him and it feels really off without his presence and some people kinda realize they didn't hate him as much as they thought, then finally you start your final year at HPA and THE CLOWN'S BACK!! but he's not the same, like some serious shit happened to him while he was gone and he's clearly not the same guy anymore… or he is, but you've never seen this side of him before, and he seems to be nervous to share it with everyone. he's the same, but totally different. he's still pranking people and telling jokes, but there's something broken and nervous there. he still lies but they're played more as jokes instead of the vile front they were before, and there's a noticeable decrease in their quantity. it's still Kokichi, but unlike before you cannot almost mistake him for a sunday cartoon villain in behavior- it's just too real, too lived, too human

but it really depends and i can see him not going back despite Shuichi's pleas too, im just a sap and i like the healthy wholesome stuff where he gets better instead of sulking in a puddle of depression

also not as important but if you want Kokichi can tell Shuichi he'll agree to come back to HPA if Shuichi pulls his shit together- ie; my hc Shuichi also has masking issues where he pretends to be a highly agreeable people pleaser and bottles all his anger and lets himself be a pushover, and Kokichi knows this so he only makes the deal if Shuichi can better himself the way Kokichi has been. mutual luring into healthier lives. it'd also mean Shuichi comes back from summer break a bit different as well and continues to become more different over the year

okay i'm done now

[crimeronan]

I feel like Luz “Separation Anxiety” Noceda would be a bit dismayed upon learning that Vee and her friends are going to graduate and go to college at the end of the school year (presuming that Freshman Sophomore Junior Senior are Human Realm Exclusive Terms)

Like “oh my entire social life actually revolves around you and your friends because I’m too awkward and different to know how to approach people and am too nice and accommodating to any and everyone because of The Horrors to tell anybody to back off if they get too nosy so truly I cannot fathom how I’m going to function in a school setting without you but it’s Fine :) I’m really happy for you and not at all going to cry about this :)))”

Maybe she’ll join the school band to try and become socially independent and then just get really sad cause she misses Raine :(((

baby girl :(

i think she'd have a kind of tough time in a school environment to begin with, honestly. i made a post to that effect earlier but decided it was too depressing and deleted it.... but! since i ended up thinking a LOT about how her school experience would be handled. the gist was:

she'd have a really good 504 plan in place -- 504 plans are written plans that help students with disabilities stay in a normal classroom. it would have accommodations like her getting pre-written notes about what they'd discuss in class, a slightly separate desk to avoid being unexpectedly touched by other students, blanket permission to step out into the hallway if she gets nervous, extra time on tests, etc.

she'd purposefully be matched with the friendliest teachers and the easiest graders, people who are Very willing to talk with her about her needs. and also to say "i'm not upset with you." probably the really relaxed english teacher from TTT is one of them. this occasionally does remind her of raine and make her feel incredibly guilty/sad :(

and i think she'd have a one-on-one aide assigned to sit with her and show her what she's supposed to do in a classroom and help her navigate between classes. most likely this person is with her all day except for during lunch periods, when she takes her break....

this definitely marks luz Other by the student body (as having a paraprofessional does for every kid in a mainstream classroom) but she actually does not mind it! it feels like being guarded & she's grateful to have someone telling her what to do.

(in my head the aide's name is miss delilah and she's an OC who exists purely to be really kind and understanding. because please god give luz this.)

even with all of this, though....

classrooms are not Easy for luz. in the canon, she has CRIPPLINGLY hyperactive ADHD and can't focus on anything going on. she's weird and offputting and exuberant and causes ten million problems.

here, she has a LOT of baggage from belos. not just the physical trauma, but also everything she's internalized about How To Behave. she's learned a lot about how not to annoy him. and school is a public-facing event, which means she's in full Gracious Princess Mode. trying to make herself as small and unobtrusive as possible

so all of her concentration goes into Sitting Still and Being Quiet. she can't anxiously stim without disrupting the classroom, she can't chatter without annoying people, she can't chew through pencils or rip up paper without attracting Concern.

this is. incredibly stressful!! for her!!

stressful enough that she can't really retain anything the teacher says in classes. her homework is always done and her notes are always neat, but her quiz and test scores are Abysmal. because she either can't process the questions or can't remember the answers. because being in the classroom is Hard

which just adds another layer of stress. luz is like. PLEASE don't tell my mom. please please please please please don't tell my mom :(

vee doesn't really understand this -- she Loves the classroom. loves to sit at a desk and participate in discussion. loves to do worksheets. loves to get good grades and be a pleasure to have in class. Behaving Normally is a lot less stressful for vee than it is for luz.

which makes luz even clingier, when she can have lunch with vee or see her between classes. she's microdosing on being in the company of someone who feels Normal And Fine. and who has friends who clearly feel Normal And Fine. and who don't mind if luz is weird around them

luz being like oh!! you're going away. i see :) um. congratulations!! i'll be right back. i need to lock myself in the shower and cry so hard i throw up.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #20

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

Hey, everybody! It's been a while.

Things have been nonstop around here for the past few weeks, which is how I like it, but it hasn’t left much time for updates. I’m gonna try to fill you in on everything that's been happening as best I can.

The first item of news is that Yuri and I have decided our first international adventure together is definitely going to be in Brazil. Turns out, there are some great travel packages available in the winter, which is the only time we can go due to us both having jobs. I think Yuri’s still a little nervous about flying, but he’s starting to get into the idea of the trip itself. We’ve been doing our research, so we’re going to be fully prepared, and it looks like it’s going to be a totally amazing experience. We’ll keep you all in the loop as our travel plans develop.

In other less happy news, Yuki finally went home. I have absolutely no idea what kind of capitalist disaster kept Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto working at their company’s head office in the city for nearly a month, but I guess they sorted it out at last. I’m sure Mr. Okamoto is back in his office here in town now, terrorizing his local workforce once again.

Yuki didn’t want to leave when her parents came to get her. She hung onto Yuri and cried so hard that it made me wonder just how bad life for her is at home. It took all Yuri’s considerable powers of persuasion to convince her to let go, and then we had to agree to drive her home ourselves so that she could spend ten more minutes with us.

I’ll confess I felt like crying when Yuki hugged us goodbye in front of her house. I’d gotten used to having her with us and we were really feeling like an odd little family to me. I was getting into the routines of bedtime, playtime, chores and homework.

Yuki was still with us when she started the new school term after summer break, and they’ve had homework assignments already. Yuri had to help her with that because I was never great at doing my own school work when I was Yuki’s age. I didn’t think I could focus long enough to help Yuki with hers.

Yuri is brilliant and he did really well, encouraging her to figure out the answers herself and praising her when she got it right. Even when she didn't get it right, it was no big deal. He told her that incorrect answers were just bends in the road on the way to her goal, and that she should keep trying.

“Remember what I said about being wrong?” I overheard him telling her one evening. “It’s not easy, and we might not like it, but it’s how we learn.”

If we ever planned to adopt a kid some day, he’d be a totally amazing dad. Neither of us actually want to have the permanent responsibility of a kid, and we’re far from ready for it even if we did want to, but hypothetically I can picture Yuri as a fantastic parent. As for me, I’d be the fun dad who’d plan the birthday parties, cry dramatically over every first-time event, and hate giving time-outs. I’d be the classic “Go ask your other dad” guy because you just know Yuri would be the one making all the rules.

Another thing that happened while Yuki was with us was that she had her birthday. September is a big month for birthdays in the Okamoto family. Yuki's birthday is on the eighth, Mrs. Okamoto's is on the eighteenth and Yuri's is on the twentieth. Yuki is ten years old now, and she's super proud of being in the double digits.

Yuri and I might’ve gone slightly overboard with Yuki’s birthday presents. Yuri got permission from his mother to let him buy her a snowboard, so we went shopping in Kyoto one day while Yuki was at school. A snowboard isn’t any good without snowboard boots, and she needed a helmet for safety reasons. We bought her an adorable snowsuit and matching gloves too.

The look on her face was priceless when she saw everything. The only thing we wrapped was her helmet, and Yuri gave it to her before dinner. It was probably a tiny bit mean on our part to make her wait until after dinner for the rest, especially because she knew exactly what the helmet was for and had no problem anticipating what would go with it, but watching her get more and more excited all through our meal was worth watching.

As soon as we were done clearing up the dishes, we showed her everything else, and she ran straight upstairs to try on her snowsuit and helmet in front of the mirror. We could hear her shrieking with delight, “I look like I could be in the Winter Olympics!”

I’ve already had her up on the mountain with her new snowboard, and let me tell you, our Yuki is a natural. We were only on the bunny slope, but I predict she’ll be on the easy slope by midwinter. If she wants to compete, I think next year she could be in the junior novice competitions. The most important thing for now is that she likes it and that she’s staying safe.

The last time I talked to her, she was trying to think of a name for her board. After finding out that mine all have names, it was a foregone conclusion that she'd want to name hers. She said she’ll let me know when she comes up with the perfect name for it, and I'm looking forward to hearing what she decides on.

On the subject of snowboarding, it’s less than two months until the start of our competitive season. I’ve been training like crazy, but it’s harder now that I have a job and have to be at work four days a week. Still, I’m feeling good about this season. Elsa is the best board I’ve ever owned. She rides like a champion, and I’m in really great shape.

The first competition of the season is during the work week, but my boss has already approved me taking the day off. It’s on a Friday, but Tomiko is letting me work on Monday that week instead, to make up for it. Yuri promised me that he’d come and watch. I’m ridiculously excited, and I can hardly wait for this season to get going.

Even with lots to look forward to during autumn and winter, It’s hard to believe summer’s over. It'll soon be October and Canadian Thanksgiving. Japan doesn't have a Thanksgiving holiday like we do in Canada, but I still like to celebrate it just as I would if I was back home. This’ll be my second Thanksgiving without my mom and our extended family, and although I’m sad about that, I’ve still got plenty to be thankful for. I’m planning a huge meal for it and we’re inviting our friends over to enjoy the feast with us.

But before we get to Thanksgiving, we've got another dinner party planned and something else to celebrate. Today is Yuri's birthday, and he’s twenty-five. In my opinion, twenty-five years is a big milestone for somebody who was given a low chance of survival past the first twenty-four hours of his life. I think defying odds is one of Yuri’s specialties.

It’s wonderful and strange to think that we’ll both be twenty-five for a couple of months. I don’t know why, but I like the idea of there being a magical window of time where we’re the same age.

We met in that special part of the year, when we were both twenty. It was in November, so Yuri had turned twenty about two months prior, and I was about to turn twenty-one on the second of December. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other nearly five years now and that we’ve been officially together for most of it. Our second anniversary of being physically together here in Matsumori will be coming up on the fifth of February. We’re reaching milestones everywhere, and I love it.

Anyway, Yuri's party will be tomorrow, since that's when all of our friends are free, but we've been doing birthday stuff since yesterday. Last night we had dinner with his parents, and when we got home in the evening, I made his birthday cake. This morning we had cake for breakfast, and I’m pretty sure it was the first time in his life that he’s ever done that.

He doesn’t eat a lot of sweets and he’s not used to it, so it was kind of funny to see him on a sugar high first thing in the morning. Generally speaking, I’m the one who’s energetic in the mornings, and it was a change to have him moving at my speed.

He hopped into the bath with me after breakfast, which was an unexpected surprise. There was a lot more playing and nonsense than he typically accepts, but he started it, so that’s my excuse for letting things get silly and splashy in there. Let’s just say, not a whole lot of actual washing got done.

“I think you should take me somewhere nice for my birthday,” he declared.

“Do you? I thought you wanted to have a quiet day at home.”

“It’s my prerogative to change my mind,” he said airily. “It’s my birthday,”

I was trying hard to keep a straight face as he casually tickled my chest. “Anybody ever tell you that you’re a troublemaker, Yuri Okamoto?”

“How could you ever call an innocent boy like me a troublemaker?“

“The ones who seem innocent are the ones you’ve got to watch,” I said. “They’re the ones who sweet talk you into doing things you might not have come up with on your own.”

“Oh? What things? I may be too innocent to know what you mean.”

My effort not to laugh was a wholly unsuccessful one. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll find out.”

“Will I like it?”

“You tell me,” I said. “I don’t think I'll be taking you anywhere for your birthday, unless you count my room."

"Ooh... that sounds intriguing."

"Yeah, I’m going to scoop you out of this tub and carry you to my bedroom, and then I'm gonna take my time kissing every centimetre of you from head to toe. Every centimetre you can tolerate, at least.”

“That’s still a lot of centimetres.” He stopped tickling me and began petting me instead, ghosting his fingers over my collarbone in a way that always makes me feel pleasantly weak and tingly. “That could take a while. Longer if I want a turn kissing you all over.”

“Could take all morning,” I said.

He hummed softly. ‘Yes, it could, but we can always go out in the afternoon.“

“I guess you’re feeling adventurous today?"

“Mm-hmm. I am.” He gazed at me through half-closed eyelids, and in a tone I can only describe as seductive, he continued. “Do you like it when I’m adventurous, Victor?”

“You know there’s only one correct answer I can give to that,” I said. I trailed my fingertips slowly along the length of his spine. “You tell me when to stop, my beautiful brave boy. This is your adventure.”

I got down to the small of his back before he gasped. “Ohh… stop, please. Stop right there.”

“Too much?”

“No.” He wiggled a little under my hand. “It’s good. I like it. Just remember how you went all the way down my back like that, because I want you to do it again, but I want to experience it properly. I want to be comfortable, not squished into a corner of the tub.”

“Who’s squishing who?” I said. “You’re the one who’s on top of me.”

“Let’s get out,” he said. “Weren’t you going to carry me to your room? Kiss every centimetre of my body that I can tolerate, I think you said?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m ready for it. I might even let you try exploring a few new spots.”

So… that happened.

We had fun until Yuri got too cold and insisted I should go to his room and get some clothes for him. Then we had fun again, attempting to put pyjamas on each other. I’m much better at dressing him than he is at dressing me, since I’ve already had some practice. It was nice to see him being able to enjoy it for a change, too. Usually when I have to change his clothes, it’s because he’s ill and in pain and literally can’t do it by himself. There’s nothing remotely amusing or pleasant about that.

Once we were sufficiently covered and snuggling under the blankets, and Yuri had stopped shivering, we were both prepared to pick up the thread of our earlier conversation.

"So,” I said, “Where would you like me to take you for your birthday?”

“I want to go down to the valley and look at the coloured leaves,” he said. “You can take me to the park in Hanamigawa. Maybe we can pack some sandwiches or something, and our dinner can be a picnic.”

“That sounds awesome,” I said. “When was the last time we had a picnic?”

“This time last year.”

“I think we should make a point of doing it more often, don’t you?”

“I’d like that,” he said. “Do you know what else I want to do?”

“What?”

“Karaoke," he said.

I laughed. “Yuri, you’re terrible at karaoke. Why do you want to do that?”

“Because you’re terrible at it too, and I want to watch,” he admitted. “Besides, I won’t care that I’m terrible after I’ve had the drink you’re going to buy for me.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Just one,” he said. “It’s my birthday. Please?”

The way he was looking at me, it would’ve been impossible to refuse him anything, and when he curled his fingers around mine and gave my hand a playful squeeze I knew I wasn’t going to be insisting on any sort of reasonable behaviour.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll buy you a drink tonight. Just one, and if the angry belly monster doesn’t like it, you’re not allowed to blame me. Got it?”

“Got it,” he said, and gave me a cheeky little grin. “But, if I don’t feel good after, you’ll still take care of me, right?”

“Don’t I always?”

“You do. I love how you take care of me.” He rested his head on my shoulder. “I have nothing to worry about with you. Makes my other worries easier to manage.”

He didn’t have to say what those were, because the two biggest ones were my worries, too.

I’d said I would talk to Hana about the situation with Ren, but I hadn’t succeeded in doing it yet. Hana and I don’t frequent the same places so I don’t often see her, and the couple of times I’d tried calling her, it just went to voicemail. Probably she was ignoring me. I figured if I wanted to catch her, the only place I could do it would be at the rink. That wouldn’t be ideal, but I doubted it’d happen at all otherwise.

Fortunately, Yuri seems to have calmed down quite a lot since his initial conversation with Hana. I know he’s still concerned about it. He's told me that he can't stop thinking about it for long, but he’s coping as best he can.

The other big thing occupying the top of our worry list is his upcoming medical tests. That appointment seemed far away before. Now it’s looming like a shadow, only three days away.

It’s hard for me to understand how Yuri’s feeling about that, because I’m hardly ever sick. The only time I was in the hospital, aside from various trips to the emergency room to get treated for injuries, was when I had day surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed when I was twenty-one. I don’t like going to the hospital, but I’m also not afriad of it. Then again, I have no reason to be scared. Nobody puts me through medically-authorized torture when I go there. I’ve never once woken up in a hospital bed feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

The tests are routine; he has some of them once a year and others, like blood tests and antibody tests, more often. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything’s okay. He’s been doing so well lately that I’m almost totally convinced it’ll be fine, but I’ve discovered that what’s making me feel confident is having the exact opposite effect on him. It’s like he’s waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, like he’s afraid this has been the calm before a very big storm. That particular fear, I’m coming to realize, is part of the psychology of disability.

All I can do is be with him and support him however he needs me to. He doesn’t expect me to try to understand what he’s going through, because he and I both know I never can. He says what he needs most is my empathy and patience and gentleness, and I’ve promised him he’ll always have that.

I glanced at him and he was gazing back at me, still smiling. I said, “Do you want to get up and see what I got you for your birthday, or would you rather just lie here for a while?”

“Lie here,” he said. “I already have what I want for my birthday, all wrapped up next to me.”

“I thought you liked presents," I said.

“I do, and I’ll be happy to open it later.” He stroked my side idly. “I hope it’s something I can wear.”

“Were you peeking in the closet?”

“No.”

“Well, it is something you can wear. It’s something you told me you wanted last year at Christmas.”

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “In that case, I do want to open it now, and then I’m going to keep admiring it all day.”

“If you want it now, you have to get up.”

“No…" he whined. "Victor, that’s not fair. I think you should bring it in here, and then you can put it on me.”

I pretended to think it over, but I already knew I was going to give in. Saying no to him when he’s like that is just too hard.

“Okay, birthday boy. Stay right there. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Thank you,” he said sweetly as I was leaving the room. “You’re the best.”

I’m telling you, my willpower is hopelessly lost with this guy around. I’m clay in his hands, no question, and I don’t think I’d ever want it any other way.

[saint-transfag]

Afterimage: a Fiddlestan fanfiction

a sight lingering in view after seeing what one knew

A post-Fiddauthor Fiddlestan fic exploring trauma, aftermath equations, healing together, and loss.

*eventually: contains explicit content

Chapter 3

“More coffee?”

As the sun dipped below the horizon, his companion had gone through four more cups and Stan didn’t even know how many pages of head-splitting equations and codes and diagrams and all manner of bullshit like that. 

“Oh—yes, thank you,” Fiddleford replied absently, his full focus on the decryption notes before him. They’d stayed in the kitchen after Fiddleford’s panic attack below ground and gotten to work not long after their conversation.

Stan kept wanting to interject and stop Fiddleford from pushing himself too hard. At the same time he didn’t want to be pushy himself—in any direction. Despite how resolute the man had seemed in his decision to stay, Stan couldn’t help but feel like he would disappear into a puff of smoke if Stan so much as breathed on him.

And good God did he need Fiddleford’s help. He tried not to be a leeching bum about it, keeping Fiddleford’s mug full and the materials coming. They sat side-by-side as they worked, part of which involved Stan catching him up on his own portal work of the last six weeks. It seemed to Stan that he’d mostly just spent the whole time scrambling to even kind of catch up to Fiddleford and his brother.

It didn’t occur to Stan once that he was trying to teach himself PhD-level theoretical physics, as well as mechanical engineering that relied heavily on alien technology, without ever having been afforded the opportunity to so much as complete his high school degree.

Perspective was something far beyond Stan now. He’d had tunnel-vision focus on his fuck-ups and on recovering Stanford. Little else had mattered to him besides doing what little he must to keep a source of cash coming. Though he did spare an occasional thought to an unfamiliar sense of pride in the Murder Hut: Stan had meant it earlier that day when he’d said people seemed to enjoy the place, and business was already starting to do well with both townsfolk and overly-optimistic early-season tourists alike.

Stan looked up from pretending to study notes he’d already read ten times. Dusk had given way to the full black of night, and he realized that it had been a while since he’d eaten. Fuck—he hadn’t even offered to feed Fiddleford yet or anything. 

He stretched, glancing furtively around the kitchen. Thankfully, it wasn’t in the worst shape he’d seen it after that first time he’d finally cleaned Ford’s abomination of a dish pile. 

He turned to Fiddleford. “You hungry?”

Fiddleford jumped, startled out of his concentration. “Wh!—oh, ah—” he stared into the middle distance. “Why… I suppose so, yes.”

“Good, ‘cuz I make a mean French onion gratinée—that is, au gratin—soup. Haven’t made it in a good while, but I think I actually have most of the ingredients for it right now. Want any for dinner? Or I could, uh,”

Stan got up to review the contents of the fridge, but before he could offer any more choices, Fiddleford said behind him—with a smile that Stan couldn’t see— “that sounds delightful.”

“Great,” Stan said, twisting back to grin at Fiddleford over his shoulder. The tail-end of Fiddleford’s smile still lingered on his face and for far too many seconds the entirety of Stan’s brain became TV static.

“Uh—sorry—what?” Stan asked, flustered back into reality by the realization that Fiddleford had said something to him.

Fiddleford flushed a little, for some reason.

“Ah, I just asked where you learned to make it. Sounds fancy—I didn’t even know you could make a soup au gratin.”

“Oh! Uh. I managed to keep down a job as a cook at this nice diner once, back when I’d managed to stay in one place for a while. During winter too, so I got to keep warm. They had us makin' a lot of stuff like this.”

“I see,” Fiddleford murmured. Stan tried not to squirm under the intensity of his gaze.

That was something that Stan was beginning to notice about Fiddleford already—just how fucking piercing those pale blue eyes of his could be when the man was focused on something. God, and didn’t that make him sound like a cheesy romance novel.

Not that he knew what a cheesy romance novel sounded like. Obviously.

Quickly Stan busied himself with clearing out more room on the kitchen surfaces and got to work on the soup, leaving Fiddleford to his code-breaking.

Fiddleford tried to concentrate on re-familiarizing himself with his own work and piecing apart Stanford’s cryptograms, but damn if it wasn’t hard after Stan had looked at him like that.

In some ways, it hadn’t reminded him of Stanford at all—but in too many ways, it had. Stanley Pines was already becoming both balm and burr to the pain of being here.

He did his best to focus on his equations, his progress—but it was no use. Stanley would start humming to music only he could hear, or swaying his hips a little as he cooked, and Fiddleford’s train of thought would make a grisly collision with a brick wall. 

Just when he had almost gotten back on track, staring at a diagram he was just barely beginning to remember drawing himself, a meaty hand appeared in his vision to sweep his papers to one side. “And presto!” Stanley announced, placing a bowl and spoon in front of him, then a plate of bread in the center of the table. He was wearing a proud grin and seemed pleased with himself.

Read the full chapter on ao3

Read from the beginning

[gotham-daydreams]

I absolutely LOVE the ‘Not’ series!

I’ve read a handful of the neglected reader trope (i.e. three) and so far, yours is the most detailed one in terms of how the batfam became yandere. Not to say that the others aren’t good– they’re great! They just don’t really show how and why.

Mostly they just show that the reason for their behavior is because of their guilt for neglecting the reader and their paranoia in finding the reader either dead or tortured (which is a valid reason), it just never convinced me(?) I mean, as far as I know, it’s normal to feel that way when a member of your family just vanishes without so much as a trace.

Which probably explains why I like part 2 so much, because not only did it showcase their own personal reasons as to why they turned out they way they are (borderline obsessive), but it showcased how badly the reader was neglected. I mean– you should’ve seen my face during the tapes part.

I guess I completely underestimated the neglect when I was reading part 1. And although, yes, I am aware of the fact that neglect is neglect, and there shouldn’t be a rate to determine when the neglect is bad enough because it already is bad–no matter how big or small the situation–I didn’t really feel (?? meaning, it didn’t touch me at first) it until reading part 2, where I saw the extent to the emotional abuse they put the reader through. At such a young age too? Jesus.

During the first part, I kept telling myself that this was fine and I’d probably be able to survive this and just be petty to my family if it were to happen, until I continued reading up to part 2. Only then did I realize how much I actually relate to the reader.

I’ve learned how to play the violin, done taekwondo, participated in school sports/events, and studied till my nose bled and I passed out (literally based on true events, was admitted to the hospital and was generally not a good time).

And you know what made all of that suck? I didn’t do it for myself, but for the validation of family (I’m from your stereotypical asian family who’s expectations are high and long enough to reach the moon and back).

And what made all of that even suckier was that there were times where my parents couldn’t even make it to the events, in which made me connect to the reader even more.

I know the feeling of standing up on a stage, desperately looking around the crowd for the two familiar dots which are your parents’ faces, only to be met with stacks of unfamiliar ones. Gosh, especially that heart crushing feeling where you just feel your heart drop to the pit of your stomach when you realize they aren’t there to see the work you’ve practiced so hard on, especially when you did it for them.

I felt that exact same feeling for the reader during the part where Bruce saw all the fliers for the performances he failed to attend, and that was the exact moment when you could hear my heart begin to crack. And you can just guess that the rest is just my heart beginning to crack even more.

But anyway, I absolutely love how you wrote everyone’s individual personalities and their personal relations to the reader. I can really tell that it’s well thought out! Looking forward to the confrontation in part 3!!

Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you enjoyed the second part, and were able to connect with the reader! :]

That was also generally the main focus of Part 2, as I did really want to delve into the nitty-gritty of what got the Batfam started on this hell train to yandere land. Though I wasn't able to see that idea out completely as, y'know, I don't really describe how Tim, Damian, Steph, and Babs ended up hopping onto that train.

The portion of the Batfam in the Manor, and coming to terms with how they've collectively neglected the reader in these little, individual parts, is rushed and does kind of just hop to the city and how the reader is currently doing - along with establishing a time period for how long they've been gone. Which that is mostly because the more I wrote - the more laggy tumblr would get, so I made a last minute decision to speed things along (and I also wanted to get Part 2 out as soon as possible).

Regardless, as you've said there are other neglected!reader posts that do at least mention how the Batfam turns yandere, but they don't really go into detail, or mention a 'how', and just mention the 'why'. (Which is okay! They're amazing, and enjoyable reads anyway :]!) So for Part 2, I really wanted to emphasize on those details, and at least show how the seeds of obsession have been planeted.

Again, as you said! Worrying over the reader's well being, and coming to terms with the crushing reality of what you did to someone — albeit mostly unintentionally in most cases — and what that could potentially lead them to do, and what it's already caused them to do- is a valid and understandable reason! I just wanted to show more than that, and almost make it more... personal?

I wanted to show how it wasn't just pure worry and guilt that started them on this path. I wanted to show the planting of the seeds, and later, how these little things will make the Batfam commit to treading down said path.

Like how Bruce starts off as worried and guilt-ridden, only to end up in love with all these small details and character traits he notices from the reader in their notebook — which turns him serious and cements his will and need to find the reader. Or how Dick starts off similarly, but with a bit more panic and disbelief, only to discover just how much personality the reader had, and how lovely of a person they could be through their voice messages to him, which does fuel his guilt - yes, but I think it adds just that little bit more to everything. Or Cass and Jason watching those birthday tapes, and even Tim falling in love with the reader's music (which isn't gone into much detail within Part 2 itself, but is implied a little, I believe).

I feel like their fall feels more personal to the reader in that way. Rather than just have them be worried about the reader's health in some way (physical or mental (which is still a valid concern, of course!!)), they fall in love with pieces of the reader, and notice small details within them that draw the family in. Furthering their need to find the reader.

And I'm glad you enjoyed the characters as well! Even if I am still a little worried that they may be a bit ooc, I did want these small, but personal discoveries, or small glimpses the family had into the reader's life, to be unique in some way. With their interpretations differing, and while their general reaction was the same, their 'drive' is a little different. If not, then a little similar to one another with odd, small parts not quite matching up inbetween. Not to mention that with a whole family that is so similar, and yet so different- it felt fitting to try and aim for that. Though I can't say much about how well that exactly got across, haha!

Besides, again, with their different personalities and everything, it makes sense that their connection or relationship — or lack thereof — to the reader is a bit different for each of them. Which is kind of implied, I suppose, as some did catch a few small things about the reader, while others didn't notice much at all and such, but I'd like to think that it was a nice touch.

Putting further emphasis on the extent of the neglect and such was also intended, of course, and I also think you and other folks finding out such things from the eyes of the Batfam, was a fun way to go about it as well. Since you not only learn more about events that have happened before the series, but also get the Batfam's thoughts on it and how said information impacts them as well. Though who knows, maybe I'm looking too deep into my own writing- but it was fun, I will say that!

Compared to the development of the Batfam as yanderes, I do consider the information about the reader's life both in and outside of the Manor, as icing on the cake, in a way. Since it gives you more of that flavor along side the cake it self, but that probably doesn't make sense. Lol!

Anyway, I really liked this ask, and thanks so much for sharing your feelings, anon! And once again, I'm very glad that you're enjoying the series so far :]

[o-xurxur-o-sosoj]

I recently experienced the most intense somatic + mental shift Ive had in years.

Coincidentally I am now no longer going to be present at family functions where my younger sister-(not)-in-law is going to be, because I would catch some assault charges. :V

Shifts for me, especially when I was a preteen first awakening to them, were very intense and often triggered by people violating my boundaries or purposefully upsetting me. One time, when I was like 13, I remember being smacked really hard in the back during a play fight, blacking out in rage/pain, and coming back to, only to find i had done something to that friend who hit me and made her cry. She caught my teeth *hard* another time when she participated in holding me down and shoving grass up my nose.

And I got in-school suspension for biting a kid i knew so hard that he bruised multiple colors for a week or two -- he took something from a friend, held it up to taunt me, triggered my chase instinct, and then made me get creative to make him drop it- which always ends in teeth.

Therianthropy has always been a thing that I've had to mask and control in order to not get in trouble with humans around me. I have to hide it actively, not passively. And now I cant see my evil monster of a SIL because if I hear her talk about administering ABA "therapy" or being racist or sexist or ableist or whatever the fuck, I WILL attack her. This is like, advanced levels of bullshit she puts out, and Im no longer allowes to see her.

Because the last time I heard about her bullshit, I shifted, and my gaze changed, and my pupils actually narrowed to an absolute pinprick as I felt my vision tunnel and focus on my QPP telling me about his sister. He said I looked like an animal about to attack, and he felt afraid and not sure what to do. I *felt* like an animal about to attack. My body knew what to do when I heard something that made me feel like attacking someone, and narrowed my pupils to focus on my prey. It was kind of wild.

But uh. Yeah this is a thing, in case anyone else out there is struggling to feel seen in having similar shifts to mine. Ones that are about the hunt, the predatory drive, self defense, but all end in teeth and claws and sometimes severe consequences. Im not gonna glorify attacking people, but I will be frank about how often I have bitten people in response to being fucked with, or blacked out and hurt people bc they hurt me so bad the pain made me go berserk.

Shifts for me are often triggered by anger and self defense, come out in the form of me looking like an actual aggro'd predator animal, and are something I had to learn to control. Thats just how it is for some of us. This is why we need acceptance and support now, because animalfolk like us are gonna be the first on the chopping block, and are even stigmatized within our own communities. We're the ones who need the "coping with and control of therianthropy" resources the most, and those just dont seem to exist anymore? :(

[musingmelsuinesmelancholy]

Would you say your spiritual beliefs have changed significantly since you first began exploring spirituality? Do you feel your core beliefs have changed or remain the same?

ooooooh hell yea! how horrified my 14yr old self would be at the shit I get up to now xD

I started out as a neo wiccan, super-duper new age. I'm talkin crystals, reiki, "smudging", rede thumping, love and light and pixie farts. There was some animism, I think I've always been one to an extent. I have very distinct memories of being angry at kids for "hurting" the plants outside the church at school and being absolutely horrified to hear that only humans had an immortal soul. Firmly rebuked that idea in my lil ginger gremlin heart, much to the priest's annoyance. Once I found wicca it validated those feelings of mine and allowed me room to explore them, though not to the extent I later would. Given that I was very fluffy when I began, around 2014, I was very much into (for lack of a better word) toxic positivity and I struggled to accept/acknowledge the darker parts of myself, nature, magic, occult/pagan history and spirits. While there was some animism there it was lacking nuance. It made me uncomfortable to try and reconcile this nature-based religion with the violent colonialist history of the country. So I ignored it.

I found, or rather was led to, traditional witchcraft in late 2017. This led to me fully embracing animism as the focus of my craft/spirituality and accepting all those dark things I had shunned. I moved completely away from deity worship. Tho, tbh, I don't think I ever really did believe in The God/Goddess. (I was one of those all gods are The God/dess types) I think it was more that I liked the sound of it, and I agreed that the divine feminine was sorely underappreciated rather than having actual belief/devotion. I was able to reconnect with my Maliseet relatives which was so instrumental in my developing a more nuanced approach to and understanding of animism.

Rather than craft being a religion it was a spiritual practice. A way to connect with the spirits and make things happen. I yearned for power, for witchcraft. It was how I survived living with my father, how I survived my ex's abuse and how I escaped. I was spite, hate and venom. Cursing, binding, dominating, sweetening and twisting.

My local lore as well as the lore of my ancestors' cultures informed my craft. I balked at the idea of worship. A witch makes magic, we do not bow. Why rely on a god when ours is the weaving of fate? What God would want such a cruel and twisted witch anyways... We have our devil(s), land spirits, the dead... our "little gods". I Didn't need or want a Zeus. After all, there was none of that in the lore. Coming from a catholic background I saw people begging God to fix their problems. Issues which, for the most part, could probably be handled pretty easily. I learned to see seeking solace and strength in religion as a kind of weakness.

Once I was free a vacuum was created. I had my relationships with spirit but I felt rather aimless.. I have reverence for my witch father, after all, it was He who opened the door, yet I felt a certain emptiness. There was no need for all this malefica I had been used to.

Eventually She appeared to me; all those hidden parts of myself were brought to light. I felt like a granite pebble. Hard and unyielding, to be worn smooth ever so slowly by the ocean. Try as I may to remain jagged the waves will win; I will be softened/polished... She opened me to love, not philia but rather something rather like agape. If you'll forgive my catholic terminology haha. I still don't understand. As I'm writing this, I'm in disbelief that I actually said that... that I actually truly feel this way now... This is new and not at all where I thought I was headed. I'm embarrassed that I ignored her for SO long and all because I couldn't find mention of what I was seeing/experiencing in folklore. Yet she was there, from the start.

I'm not sure where this will lead nor how it'll shape my craft. I'm exploring (and adoring) gaulpol. I'll have to, like my animism, learn how to practice it in stolen land. I'm unsure of how syncretic my craft will remain, as a large portion of it was informed by new England lore. My ancestors faith has always played a large role in my veneration of them.. then again they sent me messages/omens when I asked for guidance in identifying Her.. so perhaps neither of them will mind haha.

My craft began very terrestrial, and it will continue to be so, but it has become much more focused on water and stars than I would've thought. I always thought of the heavens as more the purview of ceremonial magic. One thing that's stayed 100% consistent is the imposter syndrome and fears/feelings of inadequacy xD

Good lord I fuckin rambled huh? TLDR yea shits changed, always been a dirty soil lovin animist from the sticks. THank you for the ask bud! Sorry about the novel that shit is wicked long

(I hate that when I'm tired the fuckin Mainer comes out)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 14th

Cioran Anon (new), pan romantic anon, bottle anon, w anon, betrayed anon (new), pg anon, cassie anon (new), hu anon (new)

Cioran Anon

Hi <3 I just wanted to send you some love and remind you that you're cared about. I know things are difficult right now but they will get better.

_________

Pan Romantic Anon

Hey.

Pan romantic anon.

..

We were in class, I said I was gonna be busy on Thursday and Friday, she looked at me, said 'what, I can't even have a meal with you on valentine's day?'

I am sure my heart stopped, or beat too fast I stopped feeling it. Fuck, I know she doesn't mean it like that, but can you blame me for feeling like that?

We were in class, talking. She kissed my cheek, I felt nervous. I don't know if it's because I made fun of cheeky romance books too much, and karma found me or something, but I really thought I was on the clouds, butterflies. She chuckled, despite seeing it everyday, her smile is still my favorite thing to look at. "You blushed" she pointed out. What was she expecting me to do, I don't know. I blushed more I guess, bc she was giggling. I looked away, hid my face behind my arm, and lay on the desk. Not even a minute after I turned back to look at her, how can I resist, just watching her face feels like heaven.

I doubt if she will even talk to me after university, but I can't see myself surviving without her.

Okay but this is high key flirting. I know that things aren't that simple because of where you live but if she doesn't like you, I would be VERY surprised.

__________

Bottle anon

Hey, it's bottle anon.

This might be the last instalment of my crappy luck right now.

Because my guy best friend is leaving my class. He says it's too crazy, he can't focus and he wants to learn.

Which is valid, our class sucks. But if he leaves my core group, I will never see him alone again. It'll always be with new girl. New girl does the one elective I have with him and hangs out with us.

And I'm kinda growing on new girl but sometimes I want to talk to him alone, you know? And a day before this, I was thinking new girl was amazing and kind and it might be good for me to have a girl to lean on. But now idrk. She's the stereotypical smart, pretty American girl with the singing voice. And no one gives a shit but she wants us to care.

I get making new friends is hard and she might want to impress people but it's very quickly getting old.

Anyway, I have other friends in my class I can talk to so I won't be alone when my guy friend leaves. But it still kinda sucks.

I told one of my other friends everything I'm feeling and she says that a) a lot of people dislike new girl because she intrudes a lot. Apparently she's only intruded, not made actual friends. And b) that my guy best friend will always be my friend, even if we only talk one-on-one over whatsapp or outside of school.

Maybe I'm rejecting myself from them? So I don't get hurt more? I felt bad when I didn't respond but they were so close and so... happy? I came back late from a meeting and it looked like they didn't need me. But then they both got up and told me everything I missed and how the meeting was really long. I'm not sure.

Hi!

I'm so sorry he's leaving your class <3 I think the thing is though, your friend is right- he can absolutely still be your friend. And also...him being in the same class with the other girl won't change the way he feels about you: either he likes you or he doesn't. It kind of feels like you're stopping yourself from liking the new girl because you're jealous, but you have to remember that disliking her isn't going to change your best friend's feelings. All you can do is be as honest as you can with him about what you need, and be yourself. And then just hope that he feels the same way <3

_______________

W anon

Hi again cas! I hope you're having a nice day.

It's w

I'm sad. My mom told me today that she's been struggling because my dad's job depends on his work connections in town (I don't wanna out myself but it's a very complicated situation) and that she feels like she can't say everything she needs to say because of that. Like in terms of the administration. She wants to speak out and defend everyone but especially migrants, but feels like it would jeopardize my and my siblings safety. And like, she's right. But I hate that this is the world we live in.

I did ask her if we could go to a protest! She said if there's one in town, that she's following a lady that organized the last one, maybe she and I could go. Dad and fhe kids, not so much obviously. I'm kind of scared but I can't do nothing you know. Like if everything is this shitty and I can't do anything else right, at least I can idk.

I nearly said something the other day, cause a state senator showed up at a school thing, and gave this whole bit about how like, social media is bad for teens, and *his daughter* told him she didn't want any (it was so condescending and weird), and also we'd all make such good mothers some day (at a women's. Leadership. Event. Also I complained about that irl so if you recognize me no you dont). I don't want kids. Can you just like, belive me? Even my parents, who are pretty good about stuff, think I'll change my mind. I don't want to have kids and no one believes me.

I've been having a hard time functioning lately but I've never been good at asking for help. And there's so much stress on my parents already. I'm spiraling a bit and I don't think it's gonna get better. Idk. I'll be okay.

-w

Hi <3 I definitely understand why this makes you frustrated, It sucks that people have to hide their views in order to keep their jobs. I really hope you're able to go to the protest! Also it sounds like that senator is gross.

I want to remind you that it's okay to ask for help. People who care about you want to be there for you, and it's okay to rely on them. <3

_______________

Betrayed anon

Hi Cas, your ask Cas posts help me very much, I just need to get this off my chest. My ex best friend betrayed me. It's really complicated. But she was like one of my favourite people. I trusted her. I talked to her a lot. She knows my insecurities, my deepest insecurities, she knows how much I struggle about body image, she knows that I sometimes have panic attacks and that I sometimes struggle with the consequences after that. I found out she makes jokes about my body, about one time when my trousers broke when I had a panic attack (I luckily had a spare) because I was holding it too tight. And... yeah. It hurts like hell. And I don't think I've done anything wrong for her to start doing this to me. I just... I just feel like I'm never enough or always too much. Never good enough. And that also complicates my other friendships with people who actually stand with me.

Hi <3

First I want to say that even if you did do something, you don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody does, and I am so sorry that happened to you. I completely understand what you mean when you say it's affecting other friendships but please remember that you deserve love and kindness and there ARE people in the world who will give it to you. You are wonderful just ho you are and you are worthy of friendship, I promise <3

________________

PG Anon

Hi hon <3 I'm so sorry things have gotten worse. I'm sending you so many hugs and I'm here any time if you need to vent.

______________

Cassie Anon

Cassss I need ur help :) 

I’m 17, and all my friends are demanding I get a bf 😭 which is fair they all have one dunno what’s taking me so long. So there’s this guy I was gonna date, everyone says he’s so hot and he’s popular and does football and all that jazz, but lately i’ve thought it’s a bad idea. He has a girl best friend and I didn’t expect to be weird like this, but something about when they’re together bugs me.

I know he’s interested in me, he flirts with me a lot, usually just me, and he’s even asked me out before but it didn’t feel right then. 

Funnily enough his girl best friends name is emmeline 😭 like the maraudersss. She goes by Emmy though. And listen, I have no right to be insecure yet I know, we’re not even officially dating, and that kind of is my fault, but she’s stunning Cas 😭 How am I supposed to compete with that? Trust meeee, you haven’t heard her laugh, or seen her smile. Idk how he’s not in love with her. 

Maybe he is. It would make sense. Then I wouldn’t have to date him. But i’d have to find someone else 😭 Why is this so hard wtf. All my friends are like “oh yh I looked at him and I felt it” FELT WHAT?

I’m convinced they’re making it alllll up Cas I swear, who looks at men and falls in love at first sight, their eyes don’t sparkle like the movies say. Ive never once noticed a guys eye colour. I just need my dream, perfect, movie like guy to appear so I can feel whatever it is they’re talking about. 

ALSO, there’s this rumour that Emmy is a lesbian. But I don’t think that’s true. This is a small town, and everyone here is straight. Aside from like, the obvious. And she doesn’t look gay, she wears this insanely good smelling perfume and layers of jewellery in an effortlessly fashionable way and actually i know nothing about how gay people dress. Do they dress like that? And also, do you see how my jealousy is getting away from me? Why do i care about how effortlessly beautiful she is? I’ve never been particularly insecure about myself. Maybe it just means i really am interested in him. That’s good right?

It would be convenient if she was a lesbian tho then I wouldn’t have to worry about her and my “future bf” (that’s what all my friends call him). I don’t really know anyone’s who’s not straight in real life though so, how am I supposed to tell? I made the mistake of asking my friends once and they went on this ignorant rant about how you can “just tell”. “Seeing if a guys gay is as easy as falling for a guy when you’re a women Cassie” Oh rlly? YEAH IF U MEAN REALLY REALLY HARD FOR BOTH? THEN YEAH-

also my name is cassie :) ik cas doesn’t stand for cassie but it’s a cute coincidenceeeeee 💖

Also also, there’s a chance Emmy only bothers me cause she doesn’t like me. I don’t want to have a bf who’s best friend doesn’t like me 😭 And she always comes up with excuses to leave whenever i’m there I swear. I’ll be hanging out with them and she won’t even look at me. And I don’t know what I did. Maybe she does like him and she feels like i’m taking her territory or whatever. I’m not that into him, she can have him if she wants. Except that immediately makes me jealous so i’m clearly not that good a person, I guess that means I like him though 😭 THIS IS SO HARD. Maybe everyone doubts themselves this much. 

Literally, the other week I was at a low-key party at his house and cause he’s kinda rich he has this jacuzzi and when I arrive hes in it with Emmy. Don’t get me wrong tho, they weren’t touching or anything, it seemed platonic. Excpet she was in this blue bikini that looked wayyy to good to be near him, and he was wearing, you know swimming trunks, and when I took of my over clothes (I wasn’t walking to his house in the freezing cold in just a bikiniii 😭) she legit looked so uncomfortable? Then when i sat in his lap (yes i AM bold if i try) she just GOT UP AND LEFT? And he watched her go with these sympathetic eyes like, what sort of mating ritual have I interrupted, MY BAD 😭 

Anyway, I assume the solution here is to pick another generically hot guy and date him? I think i’ll catch feelings or whatever eventually. Thats gotta be how that works. 

And just leave him and her behind. But I like her so much, aside from when i’m jealous ofc. she’s such a cool person and like I wanna be her friend and go on double dates with her, but she doesn’t even like me. 

And he’d make the perfect bf, that’s what all my friends say. 

So yeah, any advice? 💖😭💖

Phew okay. First of all, PLEASE do not date someone you don't like. Don't force yourself to date someone, no matter what your friends say. It will just result in you getting hurt, I promise. You don't have to date anyone you aren't interested in, and the way your friends are pressuring you makes me sad. Again: please do not date anyone you aren't interested in. Ever. You deserve to be with someone you like!

Second: Emmeline may or may not be a lesbian, but the way she dresses isn't necessarily an indicator lol.

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HU Anon

Hey have you ever met a bipolar audhd person with scoliosis chronic leg pain who is also demifluid omniromantic and greysexual with a girlfriend somehow?

Well guess what know you have

-🇭🇺

Nice to meet you!