#wtnv incorrect quotes

[videokilledtheradiohost]

Cecil: I love you, babe.

Carlos: I love you too, sweetie.

Cecil: My little tortoise.

Carlos: My honey-voiced honey.

Cecil: My little panda bear.

Carlos, panicking: My, uh...Manhattan Project.

Cecil:

Carlos: I-

Cecil, genuinely touched: oh my god that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me-

[jupiterslifelessmoons]

You can’t tell me this isn’t about Carlos

[firapolemos05]

Carlos: Cecil, I think time is slowing down in Night Vale.

Cecil, lost in the gay: Oh, neat!

~*On the radio*~

Cecil: 'Neat,' listeners. I said 'neat.' I am a professional radio host who talks everyday to you all, and the only word I could say in that moment was 'neat.' I am mortified, I am humiliated, I am disappointed in myself.

Cecil: Thankfully, I am happy to announce that I do not hold the title of "Night Vale's Biggest Loser" as that will only ever belong to the man we all know and beloathe. I was once told that upon being faced with a romantic gesture, the awful Steve Carlsberg only replied to his partner by thanking her.

Cecil, through gritted teeth: He thanked her, listeners.

[molsc]

Bad science puns

Cecil: Hey honey, you know what my main source of potassium is?

Carlos: *gives an actual answer* 

Cecil: ...you, my lil potato *finger guns* 

Carlos: Ceec...I- *face palming*

[lost-in-frog-land]

Maureen: My whole life, my one goal was to avoid dying in Night Vale, and yet... here we are.

Cecil: Hey, it could be worse. You could be dying in Desert Bluffs.

Maureen: Fuck Desert Bluffs!

Cecil: Fuck 'em!

[cindereleanor]

There's a thin, semantic line separating weird and beautiful, and that line is covered in

Welcome to Night Vale.

[symphony-calamity]

Cecil: So I know we’ve always had this unspoken rivalry...

Kevin: It’s not a rivalry, you just hate me.

Cecil: ...

Kevin: And it’s not unspoken, you talk about it all the time.

[luvnotpercival]

very very bored

[fluctuating-fanby]

Seduce your double :D

[crowinthewoods]

A bunch of incorrect quotes just cuz I'm bored and these are funny. I might have went over board and no I'm not sorry.

Jon: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Gerry: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Jon: Yeah, they're all birds.

Gerry: What’s up with you?

Jon: What do you mean?

Gerry: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

Gerry: *makes Mike a cup of tea but puts salt in it*

Mike: *sips tea*

Gerry:

Mike: *finishes tea*

Gerry: Didn't it taste bad?

Mike: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.

Gerry, tearing up: Oh, okay.

Tim, carrying a box: What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day?

Gerry: …

Gerry: What’s in the box?

Tim: What woul-

Gerry: Tim, what’s in the box?

Tim: I think you know.

Jon: What did you two do?

Mike:

Tim:

Jon: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

Gerry: Why would I flip my shit about that?

Tim: Because you flip your shit about everything.

Gerry: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle.

Jon: Mike, we're hungry!

Gerry: Mike! What's for dinner?

Tim: We're hungry, Mike!

Mike, frying a bottle of ketchup over the stove: *screams*

Tim, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Tim, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?

Tim: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Jon: If you water water, it grows.

Mike: ...What.

Tim: They've got a point.

Jon: What are you two arguing about this time?

Mike: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly!

Gerry: Cry me a table, Mike.

Jon: *Locks Mike in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Mike: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

Jon: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

Mike, used to Jon being dumb: Sure...

Jon: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Mike: Okay?

Jon: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.

Mike:

Jon: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-

Mike: Jesus, that one is a little-

Gerry, interested: No, no, Jon, keep going.

Tim: Gerry? What are you doing here?

Gerry, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.

Jon, texting Tim: I’m a theif.

Tim: Thief.

Jon: Theif.

Tim: I before E except after C.

Jon: Thceif.

Tim: NO.

Mike, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!

Jon: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

*at a zoo*

Daisy: What are they in for?

Not Sasha: Daisy, this isn't prison.

Daisy: So they can leave?

Not Sasha: No, but-

Daisy, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.

Daisy: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant.

Kevin, stirring a cup of tea aggressively: Oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you.

Not Sasha, who broke into their house an hour ago: Two sugars please.

Kevin: Coming right up.

Daisy: As you know I keep a list of all my friends in order of how likely they are to betray me.

Mike: Where am I on the list?

Daisy: Well I can’t tell you that because then you’ll quickly move up or down depending on your reaction.

Daisy: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.

Not Sasha: And?

Daisy: And you are.

Kevin: A banker? Me?

Melanie: Yes, Kevin.

Kevin: But I don’t know anything about running a bank!

Melanie: Good. No preconceived ideas.

Kevin: I’ve robbed banks!

Melanie: Capital! Just reverse your thinking. The money should be on the inside.

Tim: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Mike, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

Gerry: Awww, why don't you like cats, Daisy? They're just snuggly buddies! They have toe beans! They make a little blep! What's not to love??

Daisy: I don't know Gerry, I just prefer to be conscious instead of dead on the floor.

Gerry:

Daisy: I'm ALLERGIC.

Tim: Made you all playlists!

Tim: Gerry, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.

Tim: Kevin, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.

Tim: And Melanie has the ABBA Gold album.

Not Sasha, excitedly: Heeyy!!

Daisy: Hey, someone's excited.

Melanie, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Daisy: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Martin and Jon's convo?

Gerry: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.

Tim: I'm in the washing machine.

Mike: I'm in the closet.

Gerry: We accept you Mike. <3

Mike: No I'm literally in the closet.

Gerry: Love is love. <3

Kevin: Who hurt you?

Not Sasha: *snorting* What, do you want a list?

Kevin: ...Yes, actually.

Melanie: This can’t get any worse. Can it?

Tim: Sure it can - just give me a minute.

Helen: Hey, Sasha, where are you going?

Sasha: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Sasha: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s.

Gerry: Mike said its my turn with the brain cell.

Sasha: Square up.

Kevin: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...

Kevin: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.

Basira: ...That took an unexpected turn.

Melanie: So did their neck.

Sasha: If I say yes am I joining a cult?

Jon: Possibly.

Sasha: I’m in.

Martin: I think this might be a bad idea...

Tim: Don't start thinking on me now!

Melanie: Basira, I know you love Helen. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect them immensely.

Melanie: But I think they might be a fucking idiot.

Basira: *cooking*

Melanie: *kicks down door*

Melanie: *grabs knife from Basira's hand*

Melanie: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?

Basira:

Basira: What.

Martin: They're trying to tell you they want to cook.

Sasha: Kevin and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.

Michael: What did you do?

Sasha: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-

Kevin: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?

[incorrectpsychopassquotes]

[obi-wan-kenobi-stan]

Cecil: I sent good vibes your way. They're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them.

Carlos: This is the most threatening way I have ever been cheered up.

[incorrectstanleyparablequotes]

Employee 432: The heart wants what it wants.

Employee 432: And what it wants is blood.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Jason: My baby brother was playing catch with our dad and he was screaming things like "go further father I wanna know how far can I toss the ball" and I was screaming things like "go further Bruce see how far away you can go."

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

AC: :33 < lost: cat

AC: :33 < if you find a cat, thats the one!!

AC: :33 < the one i lost!!

AC: :33 < bring it to me

AC: :33 < i live in the d33p dirt hole down by the cr33k

[orangesideirrational]

randomly generated incorrect quotes but cecilos

cecil: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives carlos: I wake up at 4:30 AM cecil: cecil: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

(insomniac carlos my beloved)

cecil: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor. carlos: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

carlos, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me cecil, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

cecil: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon. carlos, not looking up from their book: Spear. cecil: BLOCKED.

cecil: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. carlos: You and me!!! cecil, tearing up: Okay.

cecil: bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways I’m bitches

carlos: *sees someone doing something stupid* carlos: What an idiot. carlos: *realizes it's cecil* carlos: Wait, that's MY idiot!

cecil: Can you cut me some slack, carlos? I’m sort of in love. carlos: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem. cecil: I’m in love with you. carlos: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

cecil: Okay, truth or dare? carlos: Truth cecil: How many hours have you slept this week? carlos: carlos: ...Dare cecil: Go to bed. carlos: I don't like this game.