#years. I used to be more funny and happy before I went through massive trauma and betrayal too

[ziracona]

It drives me crazy when people are like “Anders’ personality is totally different in DA2 than Awakening! He’s so much less goofy and happy and fun! Justice must have changed his personality to make him that way!!” Bitch he’s depressed.

[thefirstknife]

Narrative, lore and abuse

I want to talk a little bit more about the constantly repeating ideas about how Destiny used to be better, how the lore is constantly being retconned and how writing was better before. Not only are these sentiments entirely factually incorrect (and I'm currently working on a project to document 8 years worth of reviews, opinions and comments about Destiny to show that no, people really didn't enjoy vanilla D2 or D1 as much as they think they did); the sentiments about lore, supposed retcons and mistakes as well as ideas that it used to be better and that original visions were better are all ignoring a very real and very serious troubled past that came with working at Bungie over the years.

Specifically, I think a lot of people forgot about this article. It's an in-depth review into the hostile work culture and crunch at Bungie, focusing mostly on the troubles that the narrative team went through. The snide comments about how Bungie doesn't know their own lore and how they don't pay attention to details and how they changed certain things over time really ring as petty and hollow when they're put into context of what the employees were going through. I want to remind people.

This article was also not debunked by Bungie and they instead acknowledged it and apologised. In case there are people who think that these devs were exaggerating their reports. They did not.

To start:

There is seemingly no better microcosm for Bungie's historic, company-wide cultural troubles than its narrative team, which has experienced toxic leadership, issues with crunch, and at times unmanageable separation between ideas of ‘Old Bungie’ and ‘New Bungie’ culture, and more — all within the last five or six years.

The narrative team had it worst. This basically plagued the entire development of Destiny.

Several sources spoke of a narrative team lead from that time who appeared to suffer massive burnout during the project, creating an increasingly toxic work environment for others on the team, enough so that team members kept a countdown of days since his last "explosion" on a whiteboard. Many people I spoke to were familiar with a story of him throwing a chair at a window because he felt others were ruining his creative vision of the game.

And:

Some sources who had encounters with him during this later period said that he would frequently issue narrative direction despite no longer being a senior team member, and would become angry when he felt the Destiny 2 writers were deviating from his original vision for Destiny 1. One source told a story of him yelling at her over the phone so aggressively that she was brought to tears, and she subsequently refused to be on phone calls with him without a third party present.

I want people to really read this and commit it to memory. A narrative lead was so toxic that it led to actual physical violence. A narrative lead that was physically explosive over people "ruining" his creative vision of the game. I want us, as a fandom, to truly read this with full understanding that maybe, just maybe, when current employees are changing or "retconing" lore, they are doing it to remove all traces of a person who caused them real trauma and abuse.

What amounts to funny little lore tabs for us to pore through, it's very likely a reminder of abuse to the employees who are writing it. If they want to make minor changes to distance themselves from someone who abused them, I am happy for them if they do it, even if that leads to minor inconsistencies in my lore. The wellbeing of another human is more important than a "retcon" in a fictional story.

I would rather a story change than have "the original" coming from a toxic abusive asshole that is actively making the lives of everyone on the writing team miserable. I frankly don't care about his original vision for Destiny. I don't believe it was anything good.

More under for length. It's a lot.

Writers wouldn’t learn about changes to their work until after voice lines had already been recorded.

Absolutely insane that this is what the writers had to deal with. Yes, of course there are mistakes and issues, especially in the early days of Destiny 1 when the crunch was worse and Activision was forcing them to release new DLCs and forcing them to switch focus to the sequel.

This highlights the issue of people using older lore as proof of retcons. What if these mistakes and inconsistencies that we're seeing are a result of crunch and decisions being made away from the writing team? A lot of old lore could be the actual mistakes that are now being fixed. People tend to prioritise what was written first as some sort of gospel, ignoring all of these well publicised issues that we know Bungie was going through.

The other way around could be true. Old lore, things that were written first, were mistakes due to the disruptive workplace that these devs were struggling with and they didn't have time to double check before their work was shipped off to recording and publishing. Perhaps these people are using this time away to correct some of these mistakes that never should've been released in the state they were released in.

This absolutely makes sense due to the report of an employee that didn't want to stay anonymous. Cookie Hiponia started working at Bungie in 2016 as a contractor and became a full-time employee in 2019. In her words:

Hiponia recalled that when she first stepped in, Bungie hadn't had a lot of editing oversight on the Destiny franchise, and had not previously focused very much on its story, consistency, or continuity. That led to a leadership that appeared to operate without normal professional boundaries. As Hiponia puts it, "They just had a bunch of people who wrote things and kind of had the run of the place."

For years, during entire D1 and early D2, there was apparently no editing oversight, the story wasn't focused on properly and especially they did not care enough about consistency and continuity. Basically, top guys were making things up on the fly and treating the game's story as their personal sandbox. We should be taking 6-7 year old lore with a grain of salt instead of treating is as superior. An actual developer came out publicly to tell people that Bungie did not care about the story, consistency and continuity at the time.

More on hell working conditions:

One leader from earlier in this period was described by one of our anonymous sources as a "sexist nightmare" who yelled in meetings, and would throw papers across tables. Multiple people told us he would frequently rewrite things at the last minute, often on his way to voice recording sessions.

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One lead frequently made sexist remarks, but also complained about "reverse sexism" and on at least one occasion made homophobic remarks to a queer colleague. He would openly mock his team members’ ideas in meetings then play his mockery off like a joke, and would frequently take credit for work others had done.

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A third narrative lead was called a "callous, hierarchical, authoritarian, incurious, cruel leader" by one anonymous source. ... Others recalled that he frequently insulted people who stood up for themselves, including publicly dressing down the narrative team after they accommodated a last-minute request and asked that such a rush not happen again. On another occasion, he separated and cornered an employee who stood up to him to yell at them. Multiple sources say he also regularly made racist remarks...

Cutting off that racist remark, you can check it out yourself in the article if you want the specifics. I am copying the article directly because I have a feeling not many have read it and not many would if I just posted the link without highlighting these parts.

Those close to the team describe its members working 60, 70, 80, even 100 hour weeks during some expansions, frequently with no breaks in between crunch periods. One team member crunched while so sick they were unable to type, and had to have someone else type for them while they dictated.

People working in these conditions cannot make a coherent story across many years of development and across multiple different teams that were being treated no better than cattle. The fact that there was any kind of a story in Destiny at the beginning is a miracle to be honest so the fact that there are inconsistencies and mistakes is more than expected.

Furthermore, when Bungie decided to stop the crunch, they didn't extend any help to the writing them:

Another source said that the team had been told not to crunch as part of a growing studio push to eliminate the practice — the idea was that the studio would simply cut features if crunch was the only way to get them done. However, many of the writers felt they had been backed into a corner after the painful release of Destiny 2’s first DLC expansion, Curse of Osiris.

This was an incredibly difficult time for the narrative team:

Curse of Osiris' story had been lambasted on Reddit, with a few female narrative team members being singled out by the community for harassment, death threats, and vitriol. Our sources say these women didn't receive support inside the studio or from the community team for what they were going through, and multiple sources were aware of one member of leadership still at the studio who emailed Reddit comments about these women to other company leaders in a seeming bid to tear down the narrative team because players didn't like the story.

+

The same leader is also said to have been dismissive during a meeting about the controversy, explaining that no one should be worried because they were just going to bring back the Destiny 1 writing team to solve everything.

Ah yes, because the writing in D1 was just splendid and did not have any issues whatsoever /s. This is already showing the rose-tinted glasses of the "good old days" that apparently plagues not just the community, but the actual developers as well. D1 was lambasted on release, especially for lackluster story, and continued to be lambasted for pretty much every DLC. These first two DLCs were an especially huge subject of crunch, as this article details, they still weren't done up to a month before release. Incredibly in-depth article about how much the game sucked during Dark Below. This also discusses how incredibly bad lore delivery was at the time, with everything being relegated to cards that can only be read on the website.

These are just a few articles I collected during my deep dive into 8 years worth of Destiny's existence. It's an incredibly long task to go through up to 400 pages of content on every website that wrote about Destiny. So I'm sure there are more and even harsher criticisms of Destiny at the time, especially if I deep dove into reddit or Youtube. I am putting this excerpt to illustrate how wrong the claims of supposed greatness at release are. Even some of the devs had this perception, skewed by their own egos and ideals of importance that ended up harming and abusing the entire narrative team.

And let's not forget the community's involvement here as well. The criticisms we post online are seen by devs. That doesn't mean that criticism shouldn't be posted, but maybe it should be posted in a more humane way. The narrative team shouldn't be getting death threats over this.

Because of these comments and reviews and the reception that the narrative team got even from inside the company (especially if these writers were women or people of colour or queer), they just continued to crunch:

As a result, the narrative team was afraid of what would happen if it shipped something else that appeared to the community to be incomplete or not up to standard. So they continued to crunch, some of them going so far as to hide the overtime from their leads so they wouldn’t enforce story cuts.

+

Crunch was exacerbated by the constant need for revisions and last-minute changes, often worsened by constant conflicts over who had control of the story.

Worst of all:

Some of Bungie's old guard were especially precious about the vision of Destiny 1, and reluctant to change anything about the tone, characterizations, or direction of the story as the game moved into Destiny 2 and its subsequent expansions. This was especially frustrating for the team in cases where that vision had never been explicitly defined in the game or elsewhere, but only existed as ideas in the heads of people who no longer worked in narrative.

This is absolutely horiffic. And this sort of a sentiment is the same type of a sentiment that some portions of the fandom also exhibit. The utter mystification and glorification of some imaginary version of D1, treating it as a holy relic that cannot be touched, changed, altered, developed or evolved. This is the death of storytelling. Stories and characters have to change and evolve over time, especially if we're talking about a live service game that is supposed to go on for a decade.

Even worse, a lot of this were things that just existed in someone's head, were never properly communicated to others and were never established as things that are important or that should be taken as important going forward. All in all, what this tells me, is of a narrative team with leaders who are driven entirely by their self-inflated egos, who treated the game as their personal project, who abused, neglected and demeaned a group of people they were in charge of and who were especially nasty to those they thought of as inferior to them; women, people of colour, queer people.

Knowing that, I don't want to know or engage with their "original" ideas for Destiny. And I don't blame the writing team for wanting to scrub their influence away as much as possible. As a matter of fact, I commend them. I hope every aspect of this toxic crap is thoroughly removed even if it results in the entire rewrite of established lore.

This next bit is for people who want more cutscenes and who think that cutscenes are more important than written lore. This is how cutscenes were being made:

Another issue was with the development of cinematics, which were considered a prestige project. Largely written separately from the main writing team in a "star chamber," the cinematics team frequently tried to operate independently from the main narrative team, resulting in disconnects between established lore, planned quest narratives, and major story beats. The cinematic team’s decisions, Hiponia and others recalled, would override decisions made by the narrative team, forcing last-minute rewrites and more crunch.

Personally for me? Until we know that this sort of an ideal is removed entirely, I would rather we never receive another cutscene ever. I would rather get 20 weblore pieces.

Next paragraphs details how much these leads were fighting against inclusivity and diversity and how much the rest of the writing team (that mostly consisted of marginalised groups) had to fight tooth and nail to get inclusive stories told. We owe everything to these people. We owe them all of our great stories about women, inclusion of characters of colour in important positions and the opportunity for them to be big parts of the story, LGBT+ content and incredibly well-handled stories portraying stuff like trauma.

Under all this stress, toxicity and abuse, these passionate people were still fighting, often risking their jobs, to give us these stories and characters. I want people to keep that in mind the next time they even slightly think of calling it queerbaiting. Queer people weren't getting called slurs and being abused every day at Bungie for years for some fans to call their stories queerbaiting.

Despite their best efforts, these toxic leads who had more power still managed to push stories with negative stereotypes. Some low-tier employees can only do so much against big name cishet white dudes who more or less own the company.

In all of these situations, the members of the writing team who fought for change would routinely be told they were difficult to work with, not supportive enough of their leaders, or were aggressive or abrasive and needed to be better at taking criticism.

This bit also details the absolute uproar that Bungie and Activision made when writers decided to give Devrim a husband. I want people to apprecite just how much of a change has happened since, especially if they dare talk about how things were better under Activision. We would not have a fraction of LGBT+ rep under them. This also goes to everyone calling it a "retcon" that Saint-14 and Osiris are lovers because in the "good old lore" they weren't. Except they were. The writers just couldn't say it. The leadership lost their minds of Devrim saying he has a "partner." Not even openly saying "husband." Just "partner." That's how bad it was.

For comparison, today we have entire lore pieces of Devrim and Marc having dinner, and Devrim helping Saint deal with the trauma of almost losing Osiris. Things changed, for the better. So I am not sure why some would rather we go back to before.

Bungie obviously makes mistakes. They made mistakes before and they make them now. Sometimes stories change, direction changes, ideas change, sensibilities change. Sometimes someone makes a decision to take the story into another direction and it requires ignoring or reworking something previously established. These are all normal things that happen when writing anything, including books, TV shows, movies and so on.

But in this case, with how Bungie was handling narrative and how the narrative leads were treating employees? These aren't just normal mistakes and changes. A lot of these mistakes are due to the overworked and abused employees who had to crunch under people who would demean them and abuse them to the point of mental distress and physical injuries. People working under those conditions will make mistakes, especially when the leads are literally circumventing their writing and making changes to the writing on the way to recording sessions.

The fact that there's any coherence at all is a miracle. And then we get fans nitpicking irrelevant details that are easy to mistake even when you're not being abused by your boss while working 100 hours per week, let alone when you are. Think about how those employees feel when we nitpick stuff that they made while they were actively being abused at work every day.

This isn't a defence of Bungie having narrative mistakes. Bungie failed these employees that they were supposed to care for. It has since become evidently better, but the cost is there. Many lost their jobs and their security and health dealing with these working conditions and this needs to be embedded in the mind of every fan who wants to nitpick something written 5 years ago.

And ultimately, yes, perhaps writers that are still there want to actively change the story to remove all traces of leadership that was pushing a certain narrative. Perhaps that's annoying to us, the players and lore enjoyers. Perhaps we hate seeing certain details change in front of our eyes. Perhaps we hold dearly a detail from 2015 that has since been retconned out of the story. Perhaps someone thinks that Destiny's story was the best during D1 and that everything else that's happening now is a retconned crap.

Then re-read this article again and consider that these stories were made under inhumane working conditions. And if you value fictional story details over the wellbeing of real humans, then it's time to reasses your values. To me personally, I am immediately put off from the way those stories went when I know how they were made and what was the cost. I still appreciate then, but I will not scrutinise irrelevant details being changed or mistakes being fixed years after they were first made while the workers could quite literally physically not type from exhaustion.

I first and foremost rely on new lore and always will. It was made with less abuse and with more employees of sound mind, as well as with marginalised groups not being demeaned and shut down. Bungie is currently very obviously and clearly taking the story much more seriously and are aware of how important it is for Destiny's success. Are things now perfect? Probably not! But even those that were previously abused have said that things changed for the better and that there is hope.

Most of the new lore is also repeatedly going back to explain and rework some of the older stuff which can, yes, cause things to change. I don't mind, not with the context of this article looming over our heads. As I said before, people tend to emphasise the importance of stuff written first as proof of changes which ignores the very real possibility of stuff written first to have been written wrong and new rewrites being used to correct that information to what the narrative should've been from the start.

Are there genuine mistakes? Of course. Not every mistake is the consequence of abuse. Sometimes they are just mistakes. They exist in every writing. Don't take them too seriously, especially if they are about some incredibly niche detail that doesn't change the story either way.

However, please keep in mind how much crap the writing team for Destiny went through. Allow them to breathe, allow them to make mistakes, allow them to choose to change things that remind them of their abusers.

And when you're reminiscing about "good old days" of D1 or early D2, remember the conditions under which they were made. It was not a good time for the employees in any department and the fandom glorification of that time can be incredibly painful and defeating to the devs, especially those that belong to marginalised groups.

While you had immense fun at 16 playing D1, hundreds of people were undergoing the worst time of their life trying to maintain the game while being abused 80 hours a week. I'm not asking for people to stop thinking about how much fun they had at the time; just to put things into perspective and to recognise that this is the work of nostalgia. I had fun playing vanilla D2 as well, but I can simultaneously recognise that this was not a good time for Destiny, I would never want to go back to that time and I especially don't want to shittalk developers into going back to that work schedule only to deliver inferior products. I don't want my entertainment to be soaked in blood.

This especially goes for the lore fandom. We almost always talk about the pvp toxicity and sometimes pve toxicity, but rarely touch on the toxicity of the fandom that treats the story as some esoteric construct that doesn't involve a human cost to be made. Are changes annoying? Sure thing. When in doubt, use the most recent information. That's it. Pondering ancient lore can be fun, to a certain extent. At some point, you have to let it go.

There are still many pieces of lore that have been the same for years (my recent post about the Books of Sorrow is one example), but banging your head against the wall about some niche detail from D1 Y1 is usually pointless. In most cases it's a detail that doesn't change anything. In a lot of cases, it simply reflects an in-universe confusion about some information. Unreliable narrators are everywhere in Destiny; characters are biased or they lack knowledge or they interpret things wrong.

The setting is specifically set up in that way. The Collapse wiped away so much knowledge and context so people are sometimes wrong. This is explored in a really over-the-top and funny way in the Festival of the Lost lore where a Cryptarch misinterprets what a "fourth-grade researcher" means.

There is not a single omniscient narrator in Destiny lore. Everyone has their own biases and convictions and limitations of knowledge. Sometimes they will contradict each other by design. Not to mention the amount of complex and secretive characters that are deliberately not telling us everything, such as Rasputin, The Nine, Elsie or Mara Sov. Or the Eliksni who are a displaced and fragmented people that lost much of their own history and often work against each other and have varying perceptions of who they should be as a people. There will be conflicting information regarding these characters and stories.

On top of all that, there will always be a human element present. Writers will make mistakes even on their best days working under the most favourable conditions. So keep in mind what writers went through at Bungie. Not for Bungie's benefit, but for the benefit of largely marginalised people who, despite everything, fought for their voices to be heard and present in the game we love now.

[soft-boi-eli]

OMG CAN I REQUEST CC!PHILZA INTRODUCING HIS ADOPTED EMO CHILD TO THE REST OF THE SBI/DSMP

Gender neutral pls they/them

Of course! I've been having a bit of shortages on ideas. So this is so fucking welcomed.

Anyways

Father CC!Philza x Emo! Reader

Pronouns:they/them

Summary:your old parents gave you up as a teen, overflowing you with emotions, causing depression, mood swings, and quite a bit of anxiety. When you got adopted by a man and a lady,both seemingly very kind and understanding. You felt happy. They didnt expect the sleepy bois to come and visit so soon.

Tw:anxiety attacks, mention of depression, loving clothes (not a tw but damn I sometimes miss my old fashion sense.), mention of trauma, swearing!

A huge new family

They dont blame their biological family. They knew that they were being overwhelming. Slowly shifting into a state of mind where fluffy black and colored hair was their favorite. Their outfits became more extravagant and their makeup took a turn for the darker. But they didnt have to put them up for adoption.

About a year in and out of foster families, a few months in an orphanage, then one more foster family. It was official. They were the new child of philza.

Your life got better. Both of them accepted your choice of clothes and makeup, even supported it!

They helped with everything in the first few weeks. Giving you space, letting you know that they were there. But you nor phil knew that three boys were heading down to visit.

So when you answered the door to see three faces demanding philza minecraft and one just looking awkward. They were also changing about him coming and join them you felt panic flood through you. Slamming the door on their face you held near your chest.

Your uneven breathing was heard by your father and he was quick to scoop you away from the door and have kristin answer the door.

He was sitting next to you hand lightly rubbing your shoulder and he guided you through the panic attack. "That's it. In through the nose. Hold it for a few second. Breathe out." His voice was calm.

It took less time to calm you down then you've ever had. "There ya go mate. Just keep breathing." He kept coaching you through you panic attack.

Kristen let the four in with their promise of keeping calm. Your shaking form brought major concern to the two older ones and confusion to the two younger ones. "(Y/n) I want to introduce you to the four behind us. Technoblade, wilbur, tommy, and tubbo. They are really good friends of mine." Nodding lightly you sat there, not wanting to turn because if you did the panic would strike harder. Remembering what happened before you parents left you.

A huge group of people basically shunned your for your choices and didnt want to take you in because 'trash like you' wasnt accepted in the family. But these two were different. Supporting you with your choices. How different were their friends? "Hey I think you shirt is cool! Who's on it?" A slightly hyper voice broke through the silence. " black veil brides." It was quite but a start. "Cool! So their a band right? What kind of songs?" The brown haired teen was trying to communicate with you. "Uhm. Rock." It had started small but you opened up to the teens. They were about you age and they didnt bash what you decided to like. The two older ones hung out with phil and Kristen. You three hung out in your room which was kind of softer then your appearance. It was to reflect a bit deeper into you. Bookshelves, a desk, reading corner, and a bed. Not fully knowing what to put in there.

But you, tommy, and tubbo were almost the best of friends when they had to leave. Techno and Wilbur it took a bit. After the two teens left you had came out of your room, no makeup, hair had all products removed, and your clothes changed from Jean's and a black veiled brides shirt to a black tee shirt, grey sweat pants, with a book in hand.

Before sleeping you just chilled in the living room, reading while basking in the presence of your adoptive parents. You did not expect wilbur and techno to still be there.

Plopping down on the couch next to phil you opened your book and tried to zone out, to get engulfed into the book. Nope. Two sets of eyes just watching you.

"So you like poems?" The book you were reading was a massive collection of poems. Looking up to the two on the couch you nodded lightly.

Looking back down you felt nervous. "Small talk is awkward." Looking up to the brown haired guy with an American accent you nodded. "Same." Once more you looked down at your book. You already had issues focusing but you tried to work though it. "What kind of poems are you favorite?" You sat there for a second. Trying to think of something that catches your attention.

"Mainly ones about trauma. It reminds me I'm not the only one in the word that went through something I have. It just makes it more interesting when I can relate." It was true. Sometimes the poems you liked ring a little to close to home.

"Good choice. It does really intrigue the audience when they can relate." Nodding you closed your book. "Especially when you relate. It's a must for me. Other wise I get turned away from it and just cant focus. But if I like it then I am just dead set on that poem."

You and techno bonded over poems and wilbur brought up some songs. "So what is you song preference?" "Hollywood undead, black veil brides, other then that its random. If I like the song it's in my playlist." With no other preferences with music other then it had to sound good to you there was honestly no judgement for other people's taste in music. There were little treasures from almost all genres.

For a while you talked about poems and songs. It honestly helped you feel safer with them. They didnt care about what you found intriguing. Or why. You even went on a rant and there was no care. They just listened.

But sadly they had to leave. Bit they promised that they would visit more. They were like the brothers you never had.

"So I see that you were able to talk to all of them." Nodding to your father figure you smiled "they were nice. Honestly. I cant wait to see them again."

He found joy in you wanting to hang out with his friends/technically children too.

Now meet the rest of the dream smp. It was very fast. Meeting almost all of them at the same time.

Phil was streaming and no one except for the sleepy bois knew about you. So you walked into his stream, book in hand and sat on the couch behind his set up. You liked having another person on the room. You just hated being alone. It gave you really bad thoughts. "Who's that behind you phil?" A random donation read out. Phil looking behind himself saw you in the corner reading and you normally did. "Ah that's my child. They like to have company. So sometimes they come in here to read." "Wait you have a child?! Since when?" The voice made you jump. Your book fell out of your hands and you looked at your father's screen. A green man with a weird white blob for a skin on minecraft. "Yeah. I took a break to pick them up from the orphanage." All hell broke loose. You ran while phil answered questions. You were not dealing with that. No way. Nuh uh. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not today satan. It took phil bribing you with a trip to hot topic to get you to come back in. I mean hey you get to score a few shirts and hats. Might as well.

Meeting the server wasbt too bad. But the questions were weird. You didnt answer the ones you were uncomfortable about and they didnt care. Your boundries were up. And when tommy, tubbo, willbur, and techno revealed they knew of you they were yelled at. It was funny. Watching people say they should of said something. But it resulted in alot of compliments and Phil's chat loving you.

You were now the older sibling of the chat. Why? Cause chat said so.

When you come in from now on the chat is chanting for you. Just "(y/n)!" Over and over.

Your life? Crazy. But it became a bit better after you were living with your new parents. It was heaven.

I'm sorry if its awkward I'm not good at introductions. And I am tis but a sleep deprived human. I need sleep and so do you have a nice day and once more I'm sorry if this isnt up to what you wanted.

[irondad-creator-awards]

The Nominations So Far (Kinda)

Some of you have been asking to see who’s nominated in which category, so I’m putting up what I’ve done so far. This is by no means everyone nominated, as we’ve had 96 submissions to the form, and I’m not going to be able to log them all until nominations close. But if you’ve been contacted to say you’re up for an award, you should be listed below...

Good Luck to everyone nominated x

1. THE ONE THAT MADE YOU GASP! — A story which had a plot twist you didn’t see coming. Something that caught you so off guard that you had to stop a minute and take a breath before devouring the rest. What’s the story for you?

A Peter Parker Problem by Spagbol99

Chaotic Peter Parker by Isnt_It_Pretty_To_Think_So

Cycle Through by Ambivalentangst

Ever In Your Favor by Iron_Spider

Irondad Ficlets by Ironxprince

Like Father, Like Son by An_Odd_Idea

Love Leaves A Memory No-One Can Steal by Ironmum

More Peril In Thine Eye  by Iron_Spider

No Longer In Service by Starryknight09

Proof Of Concept by Flurrbee

Serenity by Jolinarjackson

Spidey Tot by Kevy_Grayce

Stab Me In The Back (I'll Catch You From Behind) by Lansfics7

Stop, Look, Listen by Forthenightisdarkandfullofterror

  2. THE MULTI-CHAPTER YOU COULDN’T PUT DOWN — A story which kept you up all night or calling in sick for work so you were free to read. Who’s the culprit?

 A Parent Apparent by Happyaspie

A Peter Parker Problem by Spagbol99

A Sailor Went To Sea by by Yellowdistress

Air I Breathe by Heartofcathedrals

And You’ll Blow Us All Away by Losingmymindtonight

Astronomy In Reverse by Pansley

Come My Darling, Homeward Bound by Iamirondad

Every Beautiful Lie (Always Has An Ugly Truth by Da_Moose

Five Times Tony And Peter Chaotically Cleaned by Ironmum

I Will Carry You (Always) by Thestarvingwriter

Identity Crisis by Kitcat992

If They All Knew About You by Mshermia

In Unlikely Places by Looneylizzie

Irondad Ficlets by Ironxprince

Mr. Parker Declined To Commentby Apisdn

Pain Will Always Come Back To Haunt You by Kevy_Grayce

Permanence by Theexhaustedalchemist

Pieces Of Echoes by Geekymoviemom

Proof Spiderman Loves Clickbait by Mauvera

The Lost And Forgotten by Lizcraz

 3. THE ONE-SHOT THAT THAT HAD YOU HOOKED — Some writers can cram more greatness into less words than a 100k monster. What’s the one-shot that did it for you?

 5 Times Peter Sleepwalked And The 1 Time He Pretended He Did by Losingmymindtonight

Countless Ways To Say I Love You            by Hopeless_Hope

Familiar Faces by Happyaspie

First Wednesday Of March by The Case Of The Missing Museum Bea-Storer

Fitting In (Tiny Spaces) by Aloneintherain

I Can Hold The Weight Of Worlds (If That's What You Need) by Bluesweatshirt

I Promise I'll Do Better by 221broadwayiron

I Will Soften Every Edge by Losingmymindtonight

Petey And The Hermit by Eccentric_Artist_221b

Something Here Will Eventually Have To Explode by Madasthesea

What You're Feeling Is Probably Normal  by Finny3120

 4. THE BEST THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES — A drabble (under 1k) can pack in all the goodness that you need in a coffee break read. What’s that story for you?

 Butter Me Up by Iron_Spider

Cuddle Bug by Marvelous_Writer

Food At Home by Aimaim94

Insomniacs In The Dark by Littlemissagrifina

Irondad Cuddles by Lilacsoulw

Let The Mind Games Begin by Ironmum

 5. THE BIODAD THAT TOUCHED YOUR HEART — Some of the greatest stories flip canon and make Tony Peter’s biological father. Be it baby Peter taking his first steps or Tony dealing with the fact his son is following in his superhero footsteps as Spider-Man, which is the one you loved most of all?

 An Abstract Concept by Iron-Spider

Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It by Savana_Marlark

Built From Scraps by  Peter Stank

Happy Hogan Never Forgets A Face by Jen27ny

Hardest Lessons (Softest Results) by Mainstreamelectricalparade

If They Knew All About You by Mshermia

My Little Bambino by Maicaly

Return To Me, The One I Love So Endlessly by Superherotiger

Slow Down, Start Again From The Beginning by Cassiecasyl

Sound Logic by Aytheria

Spiderson by Emily_F6

Stars, Hide Your Fires by Yellowdistress.

The Less Than Secret Life by Yellowdistress

The Ties That Bind Us by Winterturtle

They Say Boys Don't Cry (But Your Dad Has Shed A Lot Of Tears) by Tempestaurora

What’s In A Name? by Geekymoviemom

 6. THE ONE WITH THE FIELD TRIP — The field trip trope is one of the most popular in the fandom. What’s the story that you think pulls all the elements together to make it great?

 A Different Take by Cyberwolfwrites

Constant Internal [Spider] Screaming: Semi-Connected Scenes From A Graduating Senior’s Life by Isadancurtisproduction

Field Trip by Inkinmyheartandonthepage

Field Trip Flip by  Happyaspie

I Don’t Want To Talk About It Anymore by Bees_And_Wasps

Mr Stark Enough For You? (Another Field Trip Fic Bcs We Dont Have Enough) by Livinei

Neon Liar (Hiding In Plain Sight) by Isadancurtisproduction

No Reason To Go by Pokegeek151

Tower Of Donuts And Doubts by              Platinumdollz

Who Is He? by Velarisstars

 7. THE TIME AFTER TIME ONE — There’s some great time travel stories out there, but which is your favorite?

 Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It by Savana_Marlark

Every Beautiful Lie (Always Has An Ugly Truth) by Da_Moose

I Have Time by Peterparkr

The End Is Just A New Beginning              by Tytach

The Time Traveler’s Mentor by Iamirondad

Whatever It Takes by Starryknight09

 8. THE ONE WITH ALL THE OWIES — Another massively popular Irondad trope is hurt/comfort, and there’s some amazing stuff out there. Which is the one that you love most of all?

 A Peter Parker Problem by Spagbol99

Air I Breathe by Heartofcathedrals

Be Weak by Fluencca

But What Is Grief? by Odd_1

But What Is Grief? by Odd_1

Danger Pizza by Alice_In_Ink

Darkness Will Be Rewritten by Marveal

Dude, Do These Tacos Taste Funny To You? by First_Page

Follow The North Star Home by Fallingforbees

Foolish, Fragile Spine by Plnkblue

Outnumbered by Heartofcathedrals

Sometimes It’s Easier To Just Swim Down by Mjscorner

The Room Where It Happens by Notapartytrick

We All Chase After A Few Dying Stars by Losingmymindtonight

What I Have, I Give To You by Aatticsaltt

When My Body Won't Hold Me Anymore (Where Will I Go) by Madasthesea

Your Heart Changed (Mine Stayed The Same) by Loisselina (Loisselina)

 9. THE ONE THAT HURTS SO GOOD — We all like a bit of angst sometimes, so what’s the story that you wanted to hide from but you had to keep reading to get to the happy ending?

 Built From Scraps by Peterstank

Cycle Through by Ambivalentangst

Fifteen Years In The Making by Potts89

Held On As Tightly As You Held On To Me by Itsreallylaterightnow And Killerqueenwrites

I Need You To Be Free by Marveal

I Promise I'll Do Better by 221broadwayiron

If You Listen You Can Hear The Ibis by Yellowedistress

Let's Get On With Living (While We Can) by Almond_Blossoms

Let's Get On With Living (While We Can) by Almond_Blossoms

Love Leaves A Memory No-One Can Steal by Ironmum

May Parker's Complete Guide On How To Raise Your Spiderling by Embarrassing_Myself

More Peril In Thine Eye by Iron_Spider

Of Flying And Falling by Polaroid15

Sunlight by Ardenskyeholmes221

The Room Where It Happens by Notapartytrick

When Trauma Comes Knocking by Kevy_Grayce

 10. THE ONE THAT SOOTHES THE PAIN — What’s the story that you go to when you need a pick-me-up after the angst?

 5 Times A Spider-Baby Got Dad Smooched by Buckets_Of_Stars

5 Times Peter Made Tony Laugh Out Loud by Grilledcheesing

5 Times Tony Stark Protected Penny Parker by Emily_F6

Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It by Savana_Marlark

Bitch Better Have My Money by Neicy286

Career Day: A Short Story by Shewritesall

Early Childhood Education by Thedisneyoutsider

Five Times Peter And Tony Chaotically Cleaned by Ironmum

Hardest Lessons (Softest Results) by Mainstreamelectricalparade

I Can Hold The Weight Of The Worlds (If That's What You Need) by Bluesweatshirt

Instant Kill Mode by Isnt_It_Pretty_To_Think_So

Kids These Days  by Isnt_It_Pretty_To_Think_So

The Road So Far by Nicolemoon8

No More Lonely by Shewritesall

Petey And The Hermit by Eccentric_Artist_221b

That's How You And I Will by Frostysunflowers

What You're Feeling Is Probably Normal by Finny3120

Whatever It Takes by Starryknight90

 11. THE ONE WITHOUT A HOME TO GO TO — There’s some wonderful homeless Peter stories out there, so which is the one you were blown away by?

 A Difference In Husbandry by Happy_Cloud

After The Landslide by Freyaatterton

Distracted by A Dime by Happyaspie

I Told You I Had Issues by Bergen

Is It Too Much To Ask For Home That Lasts? Ft. Peter Parker by Wakandaforever2357

The Little Things (That I Miss) by Da_Moose

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle

Unexpected (Everything I Never Knew I Wanted) by Moonchild2593

 12. THE ONE THAT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD — There’s lots of imaginative AUs in Irondad fic. Whether it’s Steve and Tony as baseball players or Pepper being Peter’s mom, which one is your number one?

  A Guardian Among Us by Superherotiger

A Soul's Best Friend by Superherotiger

Ever In Your Favor by Iron_Spider

Have Patience, A Quick Wit, And A Gentle Heart by Ironfamjam

I Battle My Jerk Step-Dad by Andromath

Petey And The Hermit by Eccentric_Artist_221b

Sea Spider by Bean_Reads_Fanfic

Spidey Tot by Kevy_Grayce

Though Everything Is A Miracle by Overtures

Until It Disappeared From Me by Ashleyparker2815

When I Am On Your Shoulders by Ladyblackwater

You Mispronounced Spider by Lliblo

 13. THE TWEAKING THE SETTINGS ONE — There’s things we all wish we could change in canon — *cough* Endgame *cough* — so which canon divergence does it for you?

 5 Times Peter Made Tony Laugh Out Loud by Grilledcheesing

Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It          by Savana_Marlark

Beautiful Boy by Emily_Davison

Bittersweet by Kevy_Grayce

Built From Scraps by Peterstank

I Will Restore All That Was Broken            by Killerqueenwrites

May Parker's Complete Guide On How To Raise Your Spiderling by               Embarrassing_Myself

Moulded Minds by Wingswithstrings

Pieces Of Echoes by Geekymoviemom

The End Of Infinity by Friendlyneighborhoodfangirls

The Returned by Nicolemoon8

What Was Missing Was You by Happyaspie

What Were The Words I Meant To Say Before You Left by Madasthesea

 14. THE ONE YOU GO BACK TO AGAIN AND AGAIN — Some fics deserve a re-read or ten. What’s the story you go find yourself going back to?

 A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood by Ambivalentangst

A Parent Apparent by Happyaspie

Age Regression Was Impossible... Right? by Chvotic

Am I Just A Shadow You Drew by Ironxprince

Apartment 43B by Ironfamjam

Back To Bed by Eccentric_Artist_221b

Beautiful Boy by Emily_Davison

Family Is More Than Blood (It Is Light) by Moonchild2593

Keeping Company by Whumphoarder And Xxx_Cat_Xxx

Keeping Company by Whumphoarder And Xxx_Cat_Xxx

Moulded Minds by Wingswithoutstrings

Play by Losingmymindtonight

Rules Are Made To Be Broken by Ironmum

Sins Of The Fathers by Geekymoviemom

The Darkest Hour Is Just Before The Dawn by Starryknight09

The Lost And Forgotten by Litcraz

The One Where Peter Is Bucky’s Weakness by Jinxquickfoot

The Rise And Fall Of A Spider by Spidersoning

The Spider-Man Conspiracy by Tempestaurora

 15. THE SERIES THAT SWEPT YOU AWAY — Some of us love to go on a long ride with a series, so which is the world of multiple stories that you binged or waited anxiously for each update?

 Another June Day by Skeeter_110

Chaotic Peter Parker by Isnt_It_Pretty_To_Think_So

Home by Glwilliams97

I Love You More Than Anything (Bio Dad Au) by Iron_Spider

I Love You More Than Anything (Bio Dad Au) by Iron_Spider

Irondad NSAP by Chvotic

Lights To Guide You Home by Jolinarjackson

Mr. Stark & His Kid by Writerstrash

Once Upon An Adoption by Kevy_Grayce

Out Of Darkness by Starryknight09

Soul Stone Realm by Marvelmusicmystery

The Room Saga by Iamirondad

Tony Stark Is A Good Mentor by Happyaspie

Was That A Star Wars Reference, Dr. Stark? by Jen27ny

We Forgot Peter by Inkinmyheartandonthepage

Webcams And Webshooters by Losingmymindtonight

 16. THE IN-PROGRESS ADVENTURE — What’s the story that has you checking your email each day, hoping for an update?

  A Difference In Husbandry by Happy_Cloud

A Perfect Storm by Grilledcheesing

Ain't My Blood; Still My Boys by Parkrstark

All The Stars Align by Ashleyparker2815

Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It           by Savana_Marlark

Every Beautiful Lie (Always Has An Ugly Truth) by Da_Moose

Fifteen Years In The Making by Potts89

Found Family by Thedisneyoutsider

If They Knew All About You by Mshermia

If You're Going Through Hell, Keep On Going by Baloobird

Mr. Stark, Something Is Wrong by @Simping-For-Peggy

Outnumbered by Heartofcathedrals

Outnumbered by Heartofcathedrals

Peter’s New Step-Brother by Bowtiez

Priorities by Jlmonroe1234

Priorities by Jlmonroe1234

Return To Me, The One I Love So Endlessly by Superherotiger

Sleeping Through A Rogue Winter Storm by Pogokitten

Survivors Guilt   by Ember_Darla And Marvel_Cinematic_Universe_Fan

Tech Of Nondestructive Yakking by Wabisabi

The Case Of The Missing Museum Bea-Storer by Ironmum

The Hero Of Our Own Story by Kingdomfaraway

The Many Adventures Of Iron Dad And Spider Son by Lbigreyhound13

What You Were Then I Am Today by Madasthesea

You Are My Sunshine by Iamconstantine

 17. THE COMPLETE FIC THAT YOU CHERISH — Whether or not you’ve got the patience for an in-progress or not, there’s a wealth of complete stories you can devour at leisure or all in one coffee-fuelled binge. What’s yours?

 Intern Spider by Emily_F6

Only For A Little While by Eccentric_Artist_221b

The Guardian by Emily_F6

 18. THE ONE THAT GAVE YOU ALL THE LOVE — We all love Irondad, but some stories come with bonus bonds that give us just as much. Do you have a Peter & Bucky, or a Peter & Steve working alongside which delivers all the found family goodness?

 "I Have A Nephew!" by Zimnokurw

5 Times Happy Hogan Nearly Had A Heart Attack Because Of Peter Parker by Thespydersargon

Be Careful What You Wish For, You May Just Get It by Savana_Marlark

Brighten Up, Sunshine by Iron_Spider

It Must Be Nice (To Have Mrs. Potts On Your Side by Sdottkrames

It Takes A Village (To Make Sure You're Okay) by Baloobird

Kingdom Come Undone by Killerqueenwrites

Project: Get Bucky Barnes A Dog by Ruxian

Road Work Ahead by Toniwilder

Rules Are Made To Be Broken by Ironmum

When In The Dark by Kevy_Grayce

 19. THE PROLIFIC WRITER AWARD — Irondad has some amazingly prolific writers. Which are the ones you’ve subscribed to get at that fic-wonder goodness of 10 works or more?

 Aimaim94

Buckets_Of_Stars

Emily_F6

HAPPYASPIE

Inkinmyheartsandonthepage

Ironmum

Iron-Spider

Jen27ny

Littlemissagrafina

Madasthesea

Magicalyss

Mshermia

O0CITRUSEE0O

Parkrstark

Superherotiger

 20. THE NEWBIE — New writers are joining the fandom all the time. Who’s the newbie (posting for 12 months or less) that’s delivering the good stuff for you?

 107thinfantry

Fallingforbees

Ironmum

Jinx_Frost

Just_Ppeachy

Kittybellestark

Lilacsoulw

Maicaly

Polaroid15

Spagbol99

Sunflowerspideyy

 21. THE OG — Who’s the writer that’s been around for a while (12 months or more) that keeps you captivated?

 Ashleyparker2815

Emily_F6

Happyaspie

Iron_Spider

Jen27ny

Kevy_Grayce

Parkrstark

Snarkymuch

Spooderboyandtincan

 22. THE WILD CARD STORY — The story that does (or doesn’t) fit into the above categories but you believe deserves the prize. Which one is that for you?

  Aliens Really Are Out To Get You Aren't They? by Some_Sort_Of_Trash

Born To Cherish by Ironfamjam

Everyday Superhero by Stoneage_Woman

Five Times Tony And Peter Chaotically Cleaned by Ironmum

Guess I’m Not Good Enough by Freyaatterton

I Can Hold The Weight Of Worlds (If That's What You Need) by Bluesweatshirt

I Will Soften Every Edge by losingmymindtonight

I’m Not Telling Him. Period by Scooter3scooter

Irondad NSAP by Chvotic

Irondad NSAP by Chvotic

Kids Suck, But You're Great by Gymlily06

Long Gone | Marvel Au Strangerlyparker

Play by Losingmymindtonight

Tech Of Non-Destructive Yakking by Wabisabi

The Reinvention Of Tony Stark by Losingmymindtonight

This Ride Is A Wild One  by Just_Ppeachy

What You're Feeling Is Probably Normal  by Finny3120

 ART 1 — DIGITAL MEDIA - Who has those PhotoShop skills, who makes the best mood boards? We have some wonderful artists in the Irondad fandom, and we’re here to celebrate them. Who's your favorite artist?

 @Itsybitsyspiderling (Tumblr)

@monireh (Tumblr)

@Blackchessknight (Tumblr)

 ART 2 — SKETCHES  — Who has the skills with the original medium of art in sketches? Whose pencil can create the characters we love best?

 @broskev (Tumblr)

@Dakt37 (Tumblr)

@monireh89 (Tumblr)

Ellarie.png (Instagram)

 ART 3 — CARTOONS — Chibis, Manga, Anime, who can create the very best?

 @Maryo274 (Tumblr)

yes-i-am-happyaspie (Tumblr)

 ART 4 — FANVID — Some of the greatest creators are the ones that match the music to the mood, find the perfect scenes to make us laugh and cry. Who does that for you?

 All My Life || Tony & Peter (Father/Son Au) by Akapotatogirl (YouTube)

Emsxworld (YouTube)

Tony Stark & Peter Parker | Ashes  by Mythicalroyalty (YouTube)

 ART 5 — BEST IRON FAMILY FANART — Who can create those feeling of Ironfam with their art? Who captures the characters we love in that iconic family.

 @broskev (Tumblr)

@moonestaly (Tumblr)

eccentric_artist_221b (AO3)

Ellarie.png (Instagram)

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 18, second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Hey OP where’s the funny header gif for this post? Sorry, it was murdered by an angst demon and the framing of these shots.

My Found Family Came to Find Me

Continuing our flashback from last time, we see Baby Wei Ying up a tree, refusing to come down because he's afraid there are dogs. Eventually he falls out of the tree, like a dumbass a child, and Yanli tries but fails to catch him. 

Unlike his grownup counterpart, Baby Wei Ying doesn't pretend he's unhurt when he is hurt. I'd like to put the change at Yu Ziyuan's door, but actually he admits to being hurt during his Gusu summer - he mimics Lan Zhan's stoicism when they're getting beaten, but it doesn't come naturally to him, and he whines a lot afterwards. 

By the time of the Animatronic Dog incident, however, he's laughing off obvious injuries that have secret trauma behind them. By the time he comes back, coreless, from the burial mounds, he won't confide in anyone about his hurts any more, except possibly Wen Qing.

Yanli carries Wei Ying, in a sequence that will be echoed much later in his life when Lan Zhan carries him (gifset here). While they head back, she tells him that Jiang Cheng has a bad temper and to ignore whatever mean things he says. This will also be echoed in the future, when Wei Wuxian says it to Lan Zhan after their argument with Jiang Cheng in the shrine.

Yanli also explains that Jiang Cheng loved his dogs and that he's been very sad since Jiang Fengmian sent them away, demonstrating once again that Jiang Fengmian is a terrible father. Yanli says that Jiang Cheng will be happy to have a friend with him, though. This kind of makes Wei Wuxian's role in Jiang Cheng's life "replacement dog."

Jiang Cheng, after getting over this particular snit, got worried about Wei Wuxian and woke up Yanli to find him, and then went wandering around in the dark like a dumbass a child, and is banged up and crying when the other two find him. Yanli encourages him to apologize to Wei Wuxian and he does, which will not happen again until the very end of the show.  

They all smile and laugh together, as Wei Ying looks to Yanli to guide him through the insanity that his life has suddenly become. 

(more behind the cut!)

They head back to Lotus Pier in a sweet montage of walking and smiling together, with Jiang Cheng carrying the world's most beautiful candle holder with the world's most wind-resistant candle in it, to light their way back. Back in the present day for a brief moment, Jiang Cheng pretends to sleep and listens to his sister insisting that the three of them should always stay together, while a single tear rolls down the side of his face.

Soup is Love, Chapter 1 of 1000

Then we head to the past again. In Jiang Cheng & Wei Ying's now-shared room, Wei Ying sits on the bed trying to figure out how to deal with his grumpy new roommate.

Wei Ying is unsure what to do when confronted with pajama game this strong. Tiny Jiang Cheng is already a fashion king. 

Then he tells Jiang Cheng he's not going to narc him out to the clan leader, since it was his own fault that he hurt his leg. This is all Jiang Cheng needs to hear to decide Wei Ying is all right, and he says that he will help Wei Ying chase away dogs in the future.  In fact, Wei Wuxian will protect Jiang Cheng from punishment basically forever, while Jiang Cheng will continue to threaten Wei Wuxian with dogs...forever.

They shake hands on their new understanding and then jump up and down laughing, Wei Ying's leg being all better now, apparently.  When Yanli arrives (carrying a tray of...can you guess? I'll let you guess), they stop jumping. Wei Ying dives in to give Jiang Cheng a little tickle/embrace in an adorable moment that would have me saying "oh, my ovaries!" if I hadn't surgically sent my ovaries to hell a few years ago.

Yanli introduces Wei Ying to the emotional and gustatorial miracle that is her lotus and ribs soup. He hesitates a long time before tucking in because he's so unused to being fed.

Consent? I Don’t Even Know Her

The flashback wraps up with Yanli conked out on the table from the drugs in the incense burner, while Wei Wuxian, who is somehow unaffected despite sitting almost as close to the smoke as she was, checks on her. Jiang Cheng and his Uggs period-appropriate sock thingies get out of bed to come stand with Wei Wuxian, and have feelings about sending Yanli away after she JUST said she doesn't want to be parted from them.

Wei Wuxian: If she didn't want us to do this, she shouldn't have signed that blanket consent-to-medical-treatment form.   Jiang Cheng: Wen Qing made me sign one of those plus a durable power of attorney, is that bad?

This episode is all about people overriding each others' agency and making massively important decisions without the consent of the people who will be affected. But in a feudal context, it's not a violation, no matter how it feels to the person being controlled. In feudal life, your body belongs to your lord -- your sect leader, in the world of CQL. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng's choices are overridden by their clan leader's final command to Wei Wuxian.  Wei Wuxian's core is arguably Jiang Fengmian's property--Wei Wuxian certainly sees it that way, just as his hand was Yu Ziyuan's to take if she wished.  

The brothers tenderly tuck Yanli into bed in the rolly cart and hand her off to Song Lan. They talk about how important it is to get her to Lanling and that she's probably going to be mad, as they thank Song Lan for helping them. 

Yanli listens while she sleeps and, in what is becoming a trademark Jiang move, lets a single tear roll down the side of her face. Jiang Cheng points out that Yanli never gets mad at Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian is like, true dat.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Song Lan is always so emotional about every damn thing, I love him. Here he's like OH GOD NO DON'T FORMALLY THANK ME! STOP!!!

Then he starts to ask Wei Wuxian to pass a message to Song Xingchen for him, but then decides not to say anything, making it super obvious that they fought and aren't together. 

Wei Wuxian reacts to this with confusion and distress, probably because he doesn't want to imagine ever having a breakup with his own soulmate. Which he soon will be having.  But possibly he's just upset that his OTP broke up.

After Song Lan takes off, Jiang Cheng gives Wen Qing a rude & perfunctory thank-you bow, turning away before she can return it. Wei Wuxian tells her not to take it to heart - basically everyone who deals with Jiang Cheng gets a version of the "ignore what he says" speech. She says she understands and that in his place she would have behaved worse, which is so totally not true.  

Then she asks Wei Wuxian if he's sure about the core transfer (not in so many words, because the script is being kind of being vague about it, without actually hiding what's happening). His reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.

Then he and Jiang Cheng walk off, with Jiang Cheng giving us a rear view that had me googling Wang Zhuocheng's fashion shoots to determine if that wagon he's draggin’ is really as delightful as this belt makes it look. Alas, there is not a wealth of photographic evidence for this research, as compared to, for example, photos of Xiao Zhan's outstanding ass.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning see them off, with Wen Qing wishing they valued their lives more. Although, what she and Wen Ning are doing is massive treason, so their lives will be pretty much forfeit if they're caught, so...

The Sunshot Campaign of Like 60 Dudes

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng walk up the mountain for the whole beginning of the Sunshot campaign, which...okay. Maybe it's like Dunkirk or The Witcher where they intercut stuff that is happening in different timeframes, which is one of my least favorite new film style thingies.

You know, for a guy Wei Wuxian constantly calls "peacock," Jin Ziyuan really doesn't wear a lot of adornment; just some subtle metalwork on his belt with no dangly bits at all, and a single reasonably-sized hair crown. Compared to the extremely fancy Lan Wangji he's almost plain. We already know that Wei Wuxian is a massive hypocrite when it comes to his idea of a perfect boy, however.

So, this is the Lanling Jin army, which consists of literally 60 guys, including the ones on the stairs and Jin Zixuan and Douchebag Dad. How are they going to fight a war with this tiny group? Why do they have such a big plaza? Hasn't anybody on this production learned CGI cloning?

That’s better.

Nie Mingjue and his best bitch Baxia make quick work of the 4 Wen guys who were assigned to hold the Unclean Realm. 

Hello, Daddy Da-Ge!

Squeeee, it's Lan Wangji! He's taking back Cloud Recesses! Ooooohhh we've missed you Lan Wangji.

Look guys he's here! Look how beautiful he is. He's looking at the gate of cloud recesses and thinking thoughts that Lan Xichen or Wei Wuxian could probably see in his bewitching eyes if they were here to see him, which they aren't. But at least he is here!

....and now he's gone again. *cries*

Hares On The Mountains

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian continue roaming prettily around this pretty mountainside. The locations in this show are such eye candy. 

Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  If I was a young lass I’d soon go a hunting

Jiang Cheng starts to have doubts about the whole Baoshan Sanren thing. Wei Wuxian's reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.  

Then we have just the tenderest blindfolding scene, (more gifs here), which is fodder for your ChengXian dreams, if you have those.

Here's a good place for a sidebar about what is and isn't incest. Whee! In the CDrama context, relationships tend to be more clearly defined than in western media. The mechanism of confession & acceptance means that people either are or are not in a romantic relationship, with few grey areas. So a character can literally say "we grew up as brother and sister, but now we are dating" and when someone looks startled they just say "there's no blood relation" and everyone is like "cool cool" and that's the new definition of the relationship.

For a strong example of this, the extremely wonderful Go Ahead is about a contemporary family in which a girl and two boys, who are not blood relatives, are all raised together, and call each other brother and sister. When they become adults, they and everyone around them expect the girl (now a woman) to marry one of the two men who have been her brothers, while whichever one she doesn't choose will carry on as her sibling. It's treated as the most natural, logical thing in the world; the only question is whether she wants to make that transition, and with whom.

Looked at through this lens, Wei Wuxian's relationships with his adoptive siblings have just as much potential to turn into romances as his relationships with his friends do, and there's nothing creepy about it. As such you can expect my meta to always get into ChengXian moments without treating it as a wrong or forbidden love. Hopeless, of course, because Jiang Cheng is such a prick the power of WangXian is stronger, but that's a different matter.

What is wrong is wearing this fantastic hat & veil combination when the most fashionable person on the mountain is blindfolded and can't see it.

In the course of this blindfolded encounter with Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng gets to kneel before a powerful woman, be led along by a length of silk that's placed in his hand, and then knocked the fuck out and operated on. He'll wake up in a hotel room in a tub full of ice with "we took your kidney" written on the mirror in lipstick, and he'll love every minute of it.  

Soundtrack: 1. Still Fighting it, by Ben Folds 2. Hares on the Mountain, by Steeleye Span

Writing Prompt: The NEXT time somebody blindfolds Jiang Cheng

[thewanderingace]

Okay I'm a little less emotional now and I've processed a bit so here's my disorganized thoughts during and about Lucifer season 6

Massive MASSIVE amount of spoilers under the cut!!

Lucifer has been my favorite show for the last 5 years and I've been through so many ups and downs with it that saying goodbye to it was HARD. The whole season just utterly wrecked me. I think I cried at least twice an episode but the final 2 episodes was non stop sobbing. Non stop.

To me, it felt like this season was one long goodbye and I loved it. Not just the cast and crew saying goodbye to the fans and the show but it gave us a way to say our goodbyes to the characters through them and I'm grateful for that. Did it hurt like a bitch the whole time? Oh yeah. My heart aches. But we got to say goodbye and it's not often we get to do that with tv shows. Even if not everything went the way I wanted to, I'm okay with that. I cried my eyes out the whole time and for hours afterwards but now that my emotions have settled somewhat, I'm okay with it all. I kinda like the bittersweetness of it.

Overall I loved the final season. It had some great funny moments, soooooo much intimate Deckerstar I mean the love between them is palpable every second they're together, and so many great character moments. This was really about the characters and the emotions and less about murders and action and plot. And as a fan of emotional character moments I loved that. And Tom's acting was fucking out of this world. I mean they all were but Tom especially gave the performance of a lifetime in my opinion.

Going into this final season my checklist of things I want to see happen was as follows:

Ella finds out the truth about the celestials

Lucifer does not become God. In fact I want him to focus on changing hell and helping people move on past their guilt and go to Heaven. Like Dan. I want him to help people like Dan. Or just change the system entirely so people like Dan don't end up in Hell

Amenadiel does become God

Linda continues being the therapist to the celestials

No more Maze and Lucifer fighting with each other

Dan moving on to Heaven and being with Charlotte

Ella being happy with Carol

Deckerstar happy and together at the end

That was everything I wanted and you know what? I GOT IT!

Ella not only found out that they were all celestials, she figured it out on her own!! She's so smart! And I love how she was just 100% cool with it all because her faith has always been so strong. It was the fact that they didn't tell her that upset her and yeah I'm upset about that too and I really wish one of them had told her that they didn't tell her because they didn't want to hurt her. Linda and Chloe both knew how difficult it was for them to learn and Lucifer saw how affected they were. So they were in a way trying to protect Ella from pain. She had every right to be mad and upset. But I'm thrilled she is in the know now and the way she ran after Amenadiel to see him fly was amazing.Just the look on her face as she saw an angel fly was perfect.

I liked Linda's boredom with human problems as a therapist and how she's feeling unfulfilled in regular day to day problems. It's something I wondered about last season and I'm glad it was addressed. And I love that she continues to treat celestials like Adam XD. I wonder if her practice will just turn into a celestial therapy practice. Angels, demons, etc. All are welcome and she'd be amazing at it.

This is the best that Lucifer and Maze's relationship has ever been and I am LOVING IT! He asked for her advice and she didn't make fun of him or say something mean, she actual gave him her advice and he listened to it! Maze then supported his awkward ways of trying to get to know Rory and tried to show Rory that's he's trying! And when she asked him for help with Adam he came! And he listened to her!! She said her feelings and he listened!! And reacted appropriately!! AND HELPED HER!! "My best fiends wedding" omg!!! AND THEN!! He openly admits that she's his best friend during his goodbye!! I love it!! And he opens his arms for a hug!! AND THEY ACTUALLY HUGGED!!! Maze and Lucifer this season was so good!!!!

I had a feeling even before going into this season that Lucifer would not end up as God but that Amenadiel would and I am soooo glad that that is what happened! Lucifer as God didn't feel right and I'm glad there was a several episode long arc of Lucifer slowly coming to realize that not only is it not his calling but he doesn't want to do that job. He wants to help people but not like that. I love that growth for him.

I actually really liked Carol and I think he and Ella are cute together and I hope they'll be very happy. I mean the cuteness factor of them doing bad karate moves together nearly killed me. I also loved that Ella's trauma with Pete didn't go away but was embraced. Of course she wouldn't be okay after all that and I'm glad the writers didn't ignore it.

THE DECKERSTAR!!! THIS SEASON WAS PEAK DECKERSTAR AND I AM LIVING!!!! Where do I even start with this?! The Deckerstar love this season was so high that it destroyed me at the end. I mean the touches, the looks, the hugs, the kisses, the dancing, the dates, the beach cuddle, the nose kisses, the forehead kisses, the casual I love yous, the flying together, sexy times, the mutual support for each other, the pure LOVE between was so incredible. The fact that they had to be separated for so long, Lucifer alone in Hell and Chloe raising two kids alone, fucking hurts me heart so damn much but we got so many wonderful moments with them that it will sustain me. I mean their goodbye was so fucking beautiful and I'm devastated. It wouldn't so much if they're love wasn't so beautiful.

Some other things I really enjoyed about the season:

Lucifer geeking out about magic! That was hilarious and I loved how he tried so hard to not know how the tricks worked.

All of Episode 3. I really enjoyed this episode for a variety of reasons. 1 being the funny craziness of the cartoon hell loop. I mean that was bonkers and I couldn't stop laughing. I loved it. I also loved seeing Lucifer under control of the hell loop and how he made it so Jimmy could be with him mom. But what I loved most about it is this glimpse into what I assume Chloe and Lucifer are doing post show (also kinda confirmed by Ildy and Joe). We see the two of them investigating people's (Jimmy Barnes') hell loops for answers to their guilt in order to help them move onto Heaven. I love that with all my heart. They both continue to help people, Lucifer using what he's learned from Linda to help them with their emotions and Chloe using her badass detective skills to find the answers. They're gonna help so many people.

Lucifer's realization that he ends up caring for people he tries to help and how that's actually a good thing. That it's something to embrace. He's come so far emotionally and I'm so proud of him.

Lucifer's to do list made me laugh so much. Look at this:

Become God

Prove I love Rory

Check in with Father Frank

Azrael's blade still secure?

Start calling Dan "Casper"

Rewatch Bones

Visit Sao Paulo

Try Golden Gate with Chloe First of all the second thing is to prove he loves Rory? AORABLE!! But what caught my eye next is check in with Father Frank. FATHER FRANK!! IS HE IN HELL?!?! DOES LUCIFER CHECK IN WITH HIM A LOT??? Rewatch Bones! Call Dan Casper! I don't even want to know what Golden Gate is XD

Dad!Lucifer. Oh my god I never expected to enjoy Lucifer as a dad as much as I did. Lucifer would have been the best dad and he proved that. The presents he would have given his daughter were perfect, the talks between the two of them, the love he has for Rory was palpable and beautiful. I mean he barely knew her for a few moments and he immediately fell in love with her and would do anything for her. He loved Rory so much and he so desperately wanted to be in her life and it KILLS me that he didn't get to do that. His face when she made him promise to not change things was DEVASTATING! He wanted to be her dad. He wanted to see her grow up. And he didn't get that chance!! I HATE THIS!!! He would have been/was the best dad ever! The montage of them spending the day together was perfection. Sumo wrestling, water balloon fights, shopping, snacks, watching Bones together, his face while listening to her talk about More Bones. It was perfect and exactly how Lucifer would be as a Dad. Fun, attentive, caring. I'm heartbroken.

All of Episode 9. This, to me, felt like the episode for us and the cast and the crew to say goodbye and I'm so grateful for it. Lucifer making the round and saying his goodbyes had me sobbing. I loved them all and I love that Lucifer got say all the things he felt to the people he loved most before he had to leave. Each one was so perfect. Him telling Linda how much he loved her and she is the "most wonderful friends that a devil could ever have". Him telling Ella he was sorry and how he didn't want to leave without her knowing again and the "Ella Lopez STEM Initiative"!!!! I'm gonna cry. Even when he's gone she'll never forget him because of this. Him giving Lux to Amenadiel and telling him that "of all our siblings, I am glad it's you I spent all this time on Earth with. Because you are my favorite brother, brother." I'm dead. Him telling Maze that she is his best friend and he's sorry he didn't always treat her that way. THEIR HUG! His final moment with Dan being the clincher in getting him to Heaven. AND THE FINAL BEACH DAY WITH CHLOE AND RORY WAS SO PERFECT I'M CRYING! The three of them on the drive, Chloe drinking too much champaign, the cuddling on the sand, Lucifer and Rory hugging and their whole talk about how he felt after his father abandoned him. I loved it so much. My only complaint is that I wanted a scene with Trixie too.

Lucifer's love of Bones was really on point this season. I love that detail.

Maze and Eve's wedding. WAS. BEAUTIFUL! I loved their dresses, Linda walking Maze down, Eve owning her own person, their vows, their love, their reception, Maze and Trixie doing their handshake, Dan attending, Lucifer and Chloe being all lovey dovey, Maze's demon family attending as zombies. I loved it all!

Ghost Dan was both crazy funny and so fucking sad. I'm glad he was still here this season and got this arc. Him working through his guilt and moving onto Heaven. I knew all along that Dan's guilt he hadn't worked on was him leaving Trixie and not being a good father to her since he avoided seeing her. I loved that he got a chance to talk to her and that she told him he was being a dummy and she loved him so much.

The music choices. I already lost it at Hazy Shade of Winter but then they went and chose BLACK PARADE for the final scene in Hell and as soon as that first note hit, the fucking G note, I sobbed even harder (as if that was possible).

Bob and Katya cameos!!!

And on that note, I loved all of Lucifer's singing moments. Always do.

Dan playing ping pong with Baliol

But for all the things I loved, there were a few I did not. It's bound to happen and even though they're big they don't change my overall positive feelings about the season.

Here are the things I didn't like:

No Trixie. We barely had any Trixie this season and I hate it. I'm very very happy she was at Maze and Eve's wedding but why was that basically it! Luci didn't even say goodbye to her! They should have had a goodbye scene! Actually, he didn't have any scenes with her in the whole season except forthat tiny scene at the wedding when she asks them when they're getting married and he flounders and she laughs. THAT'S ALL WE GOT!!! I WANTED MORE DAMMIT! SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE WHEN CHLOE DIED!! The scene when she talks to Dan killed me though. I loved that.

This is the biggie. The one that gives me an immense amount of pain and anguish when I think about it because it's so damn sad. Lucifer never gets to see his daughter grow up, never gets to have his family, never sees his family again when they're alive, never gets to spend his life with Chloe on Earth. I understand why he needed to go and stay away from Rory. I do. I get it. But it doesn't make it hurt any less that he spent so so long alone in Hell again. That Chloe had to raise Rory on her own. That Lucifer didn't get to be there for Chloe while she was pregnant, didn't get to see Rory be born, didn't get to be there for her first or watch her grow. And he wanted to be there soooooo badly. It hurts to think about. Does he at least get visits from Amenadiel during this time? Does he get to visit with everyone else, Chloe even, if Rory doesn't know about it? Does he get to know how they're doing? Do they all talk about Lucifer and say they miss him and hope he's okay? Does he get to go up to Heaven occasionally and visit Dan and Charlotte and his siblings? He and Chloe sacrificed so much, Lucifer literally giving up EVERYTHING, so that they're daughter would find her peace. I hate this. It hurts so much.

That's about it I guess. I'm pretty satisfied with everything else.

Oh here are some of my headcanons I use to ease the pain in heart (which turns out both Ildy and Joe all but confirmed after I thought of them but before I could post them. So yay for that!):

Lucifer did stop by and visit Earth during those years as long as he was sure Rory wouldn't find out. A few minutes here and there to see Linda and Charlie, Maze and Eve, and if he could, a few moments with Chloe. Maybe sent notes or stole a few minutes alone with her. All that matter was Rory not knowing it. And if that really couldn't happen then....

Amenadiel visits his brother all the time. He tells him about his family in Earth. How they're doing, what they've been up to, if they're safe happy and healthy. He tells him all about chloe and rory and  brings tons of photos so even though he can't be there in person, he still knows how their lives are.

After Chloe dies and joins him in hell they occassionally take vacations. Now, chloe can't go to earth cause she's dead but they can go to heaven. So they vacation there. Lucifer flies her up and they visit with their family and then have beach days or dance or whatever their heart desires until they go back. Maybe they all have a party together.

Lux is now a part of Hell and is where they live happily together. Since he has control over hell loops he made one into Lux.

After Chloe dies, Rory flies to be with her family in hell as well and she and Lucifer spend eons making up for the time they both missed out on.

Rory and Lucifer go to Earth and check in on Trixie all the time.

Deckerstar spend an eternity happy, helping people work through their guilt and move on to Heaven.

[bookofmirth]

“I know the circumstances for your coming here were awful, Nesta, but it doesn’t mean you need to be so miserable about it.” This is what Elain said to Nesta which I think can 100% be invalidating her trauma. Especially when considering before, Elain was basically a walking corpse during the previous books while Nesta was trying to help her as well as dealing with the War. Nesta didn’t have time to process all the stuff happening to her so of course she wouldn’t be healed.Nesta ignoring Elain once in a marketplace is 10x better than Elain ignoring Nesta, not speaking or acknowledging Nesta for literal months, and then packing up Nesta’s belongings and agreeing to toss Nesta in a house.

While the “intervention” took place during Nesta’s lowest points, she was still only just starting her healing journey when Elain visited. How tf did Elain expect her sister, who had only just started to work to be better, to suddenly be healed in a week or two. Like you don’t expect a drug addict to suddenly be perfectly fine after 2 weeks even if they’ve been struggling for years.

I think the main reason I was shocked to read some of the dialogue between Nesta and Elain is because I thought Elain of all people would understand how destructive you become when you go through such a massive change as going into the Cauldron. Like I definitely didn’t want Elain to just take Nesta’s words, but I thought she would see her own self and then have a nice moment of connection or maybe not even that, just empathy. Even after Elain saw how much hate Nesta had for herself in their talks, the only thing she pulled was that Nesta wasn’t trying (which wasn’t true). Plus, didn’t Elain’s visit come as a surprise too? I wouldn’t be very happy if I was in Nesta’s situation either.

One of my favourite parts of ACOSF was when Elain stood up for herself in regards to wanting to go the Dread Trove and was very disappointed and angry when Azriel and Nesta prevented her from doing it. I saw this same reaction for many of the other people in the fandom, even those who said they don’t find Elain as an enjoyable character, so I don’t think people were upset about Elain standing up for herself. Personally, I totally agree that people were making Elain’s trauma about themselves.

I’m not anti-Elain by any means, but this book definitely didn’t improve her character for me in the slightest. A lot of what we know about Elain is unfortunately through people who don’t understand her, so when we’re told through canon text that she’s kind, gentle, and understanding, then turns out to be the opposite in multiple situations, it comes off as hypocritical. However, that iI believe is on SJM and not necessarily the character that Elain is going to be. I’m excited to read her story, but nearly every time she had a line in ACOSF it made me both confused and angry.

This is way too fucking long I’m so sorry😭

Yes, that line about being so miserable about it did make me cringe a bit when I reread for the other ask. Nesta is so sensitive that any sort of criticism - hell, any sort of attempt to compliment her - will go over like a load of bricks. She's just in the worst place and maybe Elain went partly to assuage her own guilt at being part of the intervention but not having the guts to actually participate to Nesta's face. To me, that's way more hurtful than anything Elain said to Nesta in acosf. But maybe that’s just me.

But going back to that quote... This might be going too deep into it, but I don't think Elain was expecting Nesta to be healed, I think that she was saying "why do you have to act like this". Here's why:

Elain and Nesta are polar opposites in how they handle trauma. Elain shuts down and goes catatonic. Nesta explodes and lashes out at everyone around her. Neither of those are good, but as someone who also tends to shut down and has been the target of many an explosion by others who react the other way, I 100% understand why Elain said that. They both had trauma. Their feelings about that trauma is valid. However, I personally take issue (again, because of my personal history) with people who use their trauma as a bludgeon to harm people around them, whether that's their intention or not.

So to me, that's what Elain was saying. She was saying, "why do you have to treat people like this," not, "why do you feel like this." They went through nearly identical traumas, though Elain had her lost engagement on top of that. She knows what Nesta is feeling, but she doesn't understand Nesta's reaction to it because she fundamentally handles those events in the opposite way.

I don't think that the shutting down and going catatonic is necessarily better because it usually means shutting other people out in a different way, which can also damage relationships. It's just more... insidious and harder to see. And something I personally need to not do.

Regarding what you said about Elain being empathetic, I wonder if she's just reached her max emotional labor energy? Their estrangement has been going on for almost a year. It would be nice if she had continued to be 100% kind the whole time, and she was trying to reach out to Nesta in that scene, but I personally don't blame her for saying enough is enough.

I guess my overall feelings about Elain right now are that I like her, I don't blame her for being less-than-considerate because in the scheme of things she usually is, but the fandom just has wildly different reactions to what she did in acosf. Especially for people who relate to Nesta (and I noticed that most of your point were about how they interacted, not Elain as an individual 😛just saying) Elain is on their shit list. And that makes sense, because they got zero resolution or reconciliation in acosf. I suppose that's one thing we know will happen in Elain's book! It's just funny to me that, as a character who people keep saying has no personality, people sure do have strong feelings about her 😂

[prurientpuddlejumper]

A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 9

<- Chapter 8 | Chapter 10 ->

Summary: Your POV on what you’ve been up to since the breakup

1,915 words

The first week you just cried, and slept.

I shouldn’t have said that, you thought the minute you reached the hospital parking garage. You started to shake as you sank into the driver’s seat. Did that really happen? Then the tears started coming, and didn’t stop.

You crawled into the massive bed that you and Frederick used to share, that had been too big and empty and cold for too long, pulled the covers over your head, cuddled into the spot that used to smell like him, and slept. You slept as though you hadn’t slept in years. You slept until the gnawing in your stomach became too painful to ignore and you had to eat.

There was a picture of you together up on a shelf near the kitchen. Frederick looked so handsome—the scar on his cheek was barely noticeable, and he had that fake, smarmy smile he always put on for cameras. Still, because you were standing next to him with your arm around his back, there was a genuine crinkle in the corners of his eyes that wasn’t there for press photos. You almost smashed it, but you carefully placed it back where it belonged, and smashed a vase instead. Then you lay back in bed again, and slept and cried some more.

You cried so hard you felt sick. Then you did get sick. Work called when you were late, and you said you had the flu, which they believed by the hoarse croak of your voice, though it was more like every toxic pound of stress you’d been holding in for the past month was pouring out of you as in some ancient blood-letting ritual. Your body had been operating beyond its limits, physically and emotionally, for too long, and now everything was crashing.

What would he do if you just didn’t leave? As you stubbornly lay there sweating feverishly and refusing to move, you wondered how long you had before he would even check. He didn’t give you a deadline, just an order to get out. He wouldn’t be so cruel as to kick you out of your own house, would he? Where were you supposed to go?

You opened your laptop and searched for housing in Baltimore, and your head spun. Tiny, ugly apartments that you could barely afford. Maybe you could take that promotion you’d been avoiding because it would require too much travel. Nothing was tying you here anymore—no reason not to travel halfway across the country for weeks at a time. You were free now.

You shut the computer and pulled the blanket back over your head, shaking.

Part of the reason you couldn’t get out of bed was the ocean of sadness you were crushed beneath, which made it difficult to breathe and impossible to want to do anything. The other part was that, in truth, you needed it. You’d been spending so many nights lying awake worrying about whether your fiancé was going to die, waking up so many mornings at the crack of dawn just to see him before work, then going straight from work to the hospital without a break, you’d been on the verge of collapse.

When you finally emerged from the bedroom after a solid week of sleep, your head was clear, and the dark circles living under your eyes had gone.

Finally, you could think straight enough to be truly angry.

Frederick said a lot of things that he didn’t truly mean—rude things, patronizing, demeaning, even cruel. Not just since being hospitalized. He always seemed to make up for it somehow, to the point where you saw it as a cute quirk, and you always forgave him, even when he didn’t say sorry. This may have been one of those times. But he didn’t call to apologize. He didn’t call to check on you. To see if you were OK.

If he didn’t mean it this time, then he didn’t care about you. And you wondered why you ever put up with his bullshit.

Another day went by, and you looked at the picture up on the shelf. How genuinely happy you looked standing next to him and his fake smile and perfect hair, because you saw something in him beyond what the rest of the world could see. You saw the tenderness he safeguarded beneath the pompous mask. The real smile beneath his fake one. Everyone thought he was a patronizing ass, and he could be, but he craved your affection desperately and would go farther than anyone you’d ever known just to show how much he cared.

Everything was different now. He had no way to pompously preen, stuck in hospital robes with nary a tie pin to be seen, and removing his means of vanity had also eviscerated the secret kindness that went with it. The Frederick you knew was gone, and he would ever come back. Not the same as he was. He was too scarred.

The psychological scars were far more frightening than the ones on the outside. Once he was healed and no longer in pain, you wouldn’t mind those. You imagined him wearing a fine suit looking dashingly sinister with his exposed teeth, like a Batman villain. It sent a flush of heat between your legs just picturing it. But apparently that made you a shitty person—you remembered Frederick’s accusations and crossed your arms over your chest, hugging yourself. He wouldn’t be happy until you turned your nose up at him in disgust! Except that would make him miserable, too!

Why the fuck hadn’t he at least called? You wondered if he really did mean it this time.

Days went by. You returned to work and found yourself much more productive than you had been with all the extra sleep, though your stress was getting worse by the day. He still hadn’t called. At this point, you figured he was waiting for you to do it, but you were so tired of being the bigger person. Your entire relationship, you had to be the bigger person. In three years, you could count on one hand the number of times the word “sorry” came out of his mouth. Maybe two hands.

He never said the words, but you would come home to find a gourmet meal being served to you by candlelight. Or rose petals in the bathtub. Sometimes it was just a slow, tender kiss with his thumb brushing against your cheek. Or he would tease every erogenous zone on your body with his feisty tongue until you were shaking with overstimulation.

Now that you thought about it, neither of you were particularly skilled at verbal affection. You were both abrasive and quick with insults, and when you first met, you were like dueling cats yowling and hissing around a trashcan.

How had you managed to win his prickly heart when most of your “conversations” had been arguments? Because you started fucking each other. From that moment, however outwardly you pretended to loathe each other, you were both so cuddly you could hardly bear being separated. No matter what stupid, infuriating jeers he made during the day, you always wanted to wake up in the morning tucked under his arm, your face buried in a chest full of soft brown hair, smelling his intoxicating musk and day-old cologne. Even when you gave up being nemeses, touch was your first love-language. Laying his head in your lap while you read a book. His hand on the small of your back keeping you close at a big event. Combing your fingers through his thick hair. For every sarcastic little snipe, there was a gentle kiss to set everything right.

You couldn’t touch him. For over a month, his skin was too raw to be touched, and for over a month, all you’d had for physical contact was the slightest pressure over thick gauze—and even that was enough to make him wince.

Frederick was changed forever, and he was an asshole. But things might not have been as hopeless or forever-altered as you feared. Not being able to touch (combined with excruciating pain and trauma) had thrown your relationship out of balance, and that was a temporary problem.

Fuck it. You’d be the goddamn bigger person. Considering how much he’d suffered in one lifetime, he could have a free pass on being a dick. You may have said a few… inconsiderate things yourself.

The only thing you were afraid of was that he really did want you out of his life forever. Though you’d made up your mind you were going to see him and try to put things back together, the dread that your visit would only confirm once and for all that things were over made you put off the trip for another two days.

***

Your feet knew every turn and corridor to get to Frederick’s room so well by now, they could bring you there by muscle memory alone, dodging around busy doctors and nurses on autopilot. You slowed down and hesitated as you approached the door to his recovery room, holding your chest to quell the throbbing.

He might not want to see you. If his eyes met you with a scowl, your heart would break in two right there.

Stealthily, you tip-toed up to the door so your shoes wouldn’t make audible approaching footsteps, and you peeked in the little rectangular window. A curly-haired nurse was helping him lift his arms, stretching upward as high as he could manage. He gasped out little curses of pain until she released, and he sighed with relief.

“Good job today, Fred. We’ll work on that a few times a day for now, and then we’ll build on it, OK?” She patted his shoulder.

Oh, she’s in trouble, you grinned with schadenfreude, waiting for him to go nuclear at her for calling him “Fred.” But the explosion never came.

“Thank you, Pamela,” he smiled.

Flipping over to press your back against the wall, you clutched your chest tighter. He knew her name? He didn’t even know the names of half the nurses on his own staff! He used to pretend to forget yours, long after it wasn’t funny.

Worst of all, he looked happy.

He was happy without you. The smile he gave her was brighter than you’d seen him look at you in ages. You thought he would be agonizing over the breakup, but he was doing better since you were gone. You calmed your breathing, and poked your head over the lip of the window again. Now she was leaning down, and he was hugging her. Your throat started to close, and the backs of your eyes burned. It felt like the time you were in first grade when you fell off the playground monkey bars and landed flat on your back. All the wind had been knocked out of your lungs and you couldn’t breathe—you lay on the woodchips in a daze of confusion, mouth gaping like a fish, unable to comprehend why you couldn’t draw in air, and certain you were going to die.

Before you broke down in the middle of the hall, you turned to go home. No, not home, you corrected yourself. Not anymore.

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Tags: @beccabarba​ / @caked-crusader / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy​ / @mrsrafaelbarba​ / @da-po

[k-s-morgan]

You know, I always look forward to and dread your updates. Don’t get me wrong, I love your writing, your metas and all the fics you have written but ‘What he grows to be’ gives me such an upset feeling. Maybe dark stories are not my cup of tea but I’ve read dark stories before and they haven’t affected me the way yours does. Throughout the whole story my heart feels heavy but I can’t bring myself to stop reading. Also I have a question: could you please explain Harry’s devotion to Tom? Like I don’t study psychology or anything so I’m not an expert (so correct me if I’m wrong) but I don’t see a reason for Harry to sacrifice so much for someone like Tom who is nothing but cruel towards him. He’s been condescending always treating Harry like a helpless thing who needs looking after. He is cruel and manipulative and has a complete disregard towards anything about personal boundaries. I mean he’s basically ,in a loose term, a psychopath. I can understand the way you write Tom, I don’t get the way you’ve written Harry. He’s so weak. He has none of that courage he used to have in the books. He doesn’t have that spirit that made me fall in love with him. He gives in so easily. He forgives easily. He has no morals left. He’s not the Harry I know. Like he literally excused multiple murders Tom committed because he loves him? It’s just so hard to comprehend. I tried to put myself in Harry’s place and instead of feeling sympathetic towards him, I felt angry at how much he has lost himself. I don’t see any thing good in Tom. I would understand for Harry to love him with such abandon if he has anything good in him. But Tom has done nothing but made him suffer. Why did Harry change so much? Just because he only has Tom in this world? Because he raised him? Tom was never a helpless, innocent child for Harry to feel compassion towards him. He was cruel and manipulative from the beginning. It just frustrates me how Harry keeps forgiving Tom and then apologizing to him after his ‘punishments’. It might be cruel for Harry to ‘die’ as a punishment but still does it warrant him forgiving Tom so easily after the atrocities he has committed? It’s a complex situation, I understand and truly I don’t mean to offend you or anything. I’m just trying to understand. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this because you know them better than I do as it is your own story. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person but it always gives me so much satisfaction to see Tom suffer even though it’s for such a short time. Please tell me he won’t get away with everything like always does and that Harry won’t just forgive him easily like he usually does. Because what Tom just did was so cruel and horrifying that I was in shock when I read it. The way he used Harry’s weakeness against him... sorry for the rant!

Hello! First of all, thank you so much for such a long and detailed ask - it's always great to know that my work affects people, even if it evokes so much frustration :D I firmly believe in the death of the author concept, so I don't feel like I can impose my understanding of characters on my readers. Everyone sees them in different ways: some readers think Harry overreacted, others think he should kill Tom and be done with it, etc. What He Grows to Be is certainly a disturbing story, and I think it differs from my other works because Tom and Harry are very different. With Will and Hannibal, violence and manipulations are mutual while here, Harry is genuinely kind and empathetic, and Tom takes advantages of that.

As for my personal view: I don't think Harry is weak. I think he is very fucked up, even more so than in canon because he had to live through even more trauma after the war in WHGTB. In canon, being understanding, forgiving, and empathetic are some of Harry's major traits. It always shakes me to think about how he named his child Albus Severus after two people who caused him so much pain. Yes, Dumbledore loved him in his own way, but ultimately, Harry was his weapon. Years of abuse, every interaction, every test - everything was done with a purpose of manipulating him into being a perfect self-sacrificial hero. And yet Harry still loves Dumbledore with devotion, he still holds awe for him. Same with Snape: yes, he wasn't as terrible of a person as Harry imagined. He suffered a lot, he tried to redeem himself, but Harry never saw anything but hostility and derision from him. And yet he forgives everything to the point of naming a child after him because Snape loved his mother and took care of him. 

Harry didn't hate his relatives after years of abuse. He managed to feel empathy even for Voldemort, and not just once. He tried to give him a chance during the final battle, tried to make him see where he went wrong - that speaks of a unique kind of compassion and a big lack of self-worth. In WHGTB, due to the circumstances, all these traits are amplified.

As it could be expected, the story of Harry's all-encompassing love for Tom started with pity. When he first adopted him, he felt reserved and wary. He didn't like him, he didn't trust him, but he still started to grow attached to him because that's who Harry is: he can't share meals, teach, talk, and decorate house with a person without feeling something for them in the process. When Tom broke the vase and tried to repair it, terrified and guilty, Harry's pity and attachment won out. In that moment, he saw a little fragile boy who was never loved and who craved approval and acceptance. And Harry was determined to give it to him.

For a while, like you said, Tom was rude and condescending. But he showed he's capable of regret and remorse. He tried to heal Harry after hurting him; he listened to him with fascination during lessons and was willing to change his ideas; he laughed and cooked with him. Affection got stronger, and with it, what seemed annoying started to come across like lovable quirks. Harry despised Tom's showing-off at first, but then, after he got used to him and his company, he started finding it funny and endearing. He invested all of himself into this child, making him into his life goal - he couldn't not love him. He started to live for the small moments of Tom's affection and acceptance. His love for Ron, Hermione, his parents, Sirius - it combined and focused on Tom alone because in many ways, Tom was the key to making sure that when these people are born, they live a fulfilling and happy life. In Harry's mind, the more he loved Tom, the more chances of succeeding he had, and then the boundaries of this love started to blur, and Tom began to genuinely outshine every other person he has ever known because he was there and others were not.

When Gringotts happened and Tom's perception shifted, Harry was showered with his absolute devotion and focus. You said that you don't see anything good in Tom, but Harry does - and it's also important to remember that before Beth, Tom was very careful about not letting him see his real face. In Harry's eyes, Tom learned to help others, like when he offered his hand to a Muggle boy. He discarded the ideas of blood superiority and developed a far more moral outlook.  He learned to be caring, worrying about Harry when he's sick, making potions for him, covering him with a blanket at night, helping other students, achieving equality, etc. Tom's devotion is a completely irresistible thing to Harry because he's always been responsive to kindness, no matter how limited it was.

After Beth, it was already too late for him. Love and empathy are a terrible weapon in  Harry's case: he can't just unlove someone who has become his main life purpose. The only way is to try to understand Tom, and as long as this understanding exists, Harry finds an ability to forgive him.

You said Tom has done nothing but make him suffer, but for Harry, that's not true. 80% of time he spends with Tom is the happiest time of his life. Tom became the only person in his world, the person Harry poured of all his love, loneliness, and longing into. Tom is a family Harry never had. He was a child Harry could relate to, so he spoiled him, argued with him, shopped with him, and basked in the happiness of making him smile; Tom was a friend ready to listen and reassure, to discuss how their days passed, to do something fun together; now, Tom has started to slowly growing into something more. The celebrations, the shopping, the holidays, the flying - all these are happy memories for Harry. The only major instances of pain were Beth and now Charlus. Harry feels shattered every time Tom comes close to acting on his darkness, but as compared to the time they spend together, happiness still exceeds the heartbreak.  

When it comes to breaking his limits, Harry doesn't forgive easily. He didn't speak to Tom 6 months after Beth and he subjected him to a terrible trauma as punishment; the thought of Tom killing Charlus almost drove him crazy, but he couldn't ignore the fact that it happened before the system and that Tom has been trying since then. After the ritual, Harry leaves - and yes, I can assure you that forgiveness is definitely not coming any time soon! Although as the toxic cycle of their relationship shows, Harry can't really stay away from Tom indefinitely either.  

Harry is happy with Tom, and he knows Tom loves him. He understands that Tom is a psychopath and that ordinary criteria cannot apply to him, and so he struggles with making sure that Tom follows a lighter path while praising him every time there is some progress. In many ways, Harry succeeded: Tom is not planning on massive destruction. He doesn't discriminate; he made sure that other purebloods became more tolerant; he still wants power, but he's getting to it in ways that don't presuppose violence and murder. Every time Tom shows darkness, it's in an instance concerning Harry.

Harry loves being loved, even though Tom's love is not healthy. He loves being protected because this is something he missed severely in his first life. A big part of him wants to be taken care of, to let go and just enjoy life without constantly having to make difficult decisions. Tom gives him that, and under some conditions, they could be happy together, finding a perfect balance.

Alas, it's not going to happen any time soon (or maybe at all ;)!    

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Please could you do angsty James comes back to life and finds out Sirius has been in Azkaban and feels really guilty about it. Thanks!

((A/N: Warning for trauma both for Azkaban reasons and coming back to life reasons))

James loved Sirius. He loved him so much that sometimes it felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't find the words to explain how much he loved him, but that hadn't stopped him from trying-- a dozen poorly written poems that were probably long since lost to the elements had been proof of those attempts. 

Loving Sirius was always good. Being in love with him wasn't always good, though. It was hard. They couldn't have all the good things from a relationship without also having a few bad things. It meant figuring out how to comfort him because sometimes a really nice hug wasn't enough. There were nightmares and long nights, and a hundred different misunderstandings that James hadn't known to expect and had difficulty patching up-- and all of that had been before the war started. After the war, it was hard to be in love with him because he never knew which time would be the last time they got to see each other or which kiss would be the last one for the night. 

Sometimes Sirius would tell him that he loved him, and it didn't make him feel better. He loved Sirius so much, and the chance for losing him was too damn high. If Sirius died, James wouldn't know what to do with himself; he wouldn't know how to live. Worrying about it nearly made him sick some days. He'd never felt better than when he was with Sirius, and he'd also never felt worse. It was a trade-off, he supposed, and it was one he would choose to make each and every day because it was worth it. 

Then James died. 

And he came back. 

Loving Sirius was as easy and wonderful and amazing as it had always been. Being in love with him was harder than it used to be. It's not like Sirius had gotten more difficult or summat, but... Azkaban. Sirius had been in Azkaban. The nightmares weren't actually worse to deal with than the ones he'd used to have from Grimmauld Place, but these felt different to James. Grimmauld Place had been horrible for Sirius because of his parents; he'd only been in Azkaban because of James. Sirius had gotten locked up there because of him. It was his fault that that had happened. Sirius tried to say that it had nothing to do with him, but if James had just carried his bloody wand, he would've been able to apparate away in time, and they all would've survived it. It was his fault that Sirius had been in Azkaban for twelve years, and he was horribly aware of that fact. 

It was his fault. 

*

James's eyes were stuck on the pan, watching the eggs cook. It looked like he was very interested in seeing the egg whites cook through at the edges, but his mind was a million miles away. Sirius had a dozen new scars interspersed with tattoos James had never seen before. He'd asked Sirius about it last night, fingers trailing along his ribs. He'd thought that it would make for a good story, but Sirius had gotten all sad and mumbled that he'd gotten the scar on his collarbone from another dog after he broke out of Azkaban-- that's how he'd phrased it: 'another dog', not 'a dog'. 

"Dad?" Harry asked, his voice coming from somewhere near the doorway. 

James pulled on an automatic smile and turned to face him. "Hey sprog." Sprog that was like six years younger than him. Seven, at most. "You're up early." 

"It's seven," Harry said as he got closer, like that wasn't plenty early. 

James chuckled. "When I was your age, you couldn't pry me out of bed before nine." 

Right after he started talking, Sirius came into the room too. "That's funny," Sirius said. "All I had to do was ask, and you bounced right up." 

"Well that was different," James said, turning back to the stove. "Anyone want eggs?" He wasn't actually hungry. He'd needed something to do, some sort of excuse so that people didn't (rightly) accuse him of brooding. He hoped someone said yes so that he could offload them. 

"I'll take some," Harry said. 

"Great. Sirius?" 

"Nah, I'm not hungry yet," Sirius said, coming up behind James and wrapping his arms around his waist. He hooked his chin over James's shoulder. 

James didn't relax against him. He didn't deserve that comfort. In the war, he should've insisted that Sirius stay the secret keeper. He'd let them switch to Peter because Sirius had looked so desperate, but he hadn't wanted to. Sirius had held his life in his hands, and that's exactly where James had wanted it. He shouldn't have let Sirius change his mind. If he'd stuck to what he wanted, none of this would've happened. Sirius wouldn't have that haunted look in his eyes any time he stopped laughing; Sirius wouldn't be so thin that James could count each and every rib when he laid down. 

He did like that Sirius was comfortable enough to do this with him again, though. When he'd first gotten back, Sirius hadn't initiated anything. Not a single touch, let alone kisses or hugs. This was a good thing for Sirius. He'd come a long way in a very short amount of time, and James was happy for him. He was happy for him in a small, specific way that sort of paled in comparison for what he was being forced to get over. 

*

James wasn't used to hating himself. He used to be a pretty great bloke, all things considered, and he generally liked himself. What wasn't to like? He was amazing. Based on Quidditch prowess alone, he was one of the better people he'd ever met. That Sirius loved him bumped him rather solidly up to the top, with his handsome face an added bonus like the cherry on top of a sundae. 

The problem now was that he was buggering horrible. Not bad enough to be at the bottom of the list, but he was so fucking low he might as well be on the floor. It was a crock of shite. How had this happened? Life wasn't fair, he knew that, but it was quite another thing to say that Lily was still dead and Harry had grown up around people that hated and feared him and Sirius had spent twelve years locked in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit, and James was the one that managed to skip all the terrible shite. He died sure, but he came back. He was given the love of his life, their son, a new wand... everything. He'd been given back everything. And he didn't deserve any of it. 

He sodding hated this. 

Harry was okay-- mostly-- and that was good! It was great, even. But half the time when James looked at him, he didn't recognise him. He looked like family, sure, but he wasn't the baby that James had held a year ago. He would recognise that baby if he saw him again, but it had been years. It had been years since James had been alive, and that meant that Harry had went and grown up. He was his own person, with opinions and mates of his own, and James had missed out on all the time where he got those things. 

To everyone else, James had been gone/dead for fourteen years. To James, he'd been knocked out with an injury and woke up to find that everyone was different to what he'd known. Some things were incredibly similar. His father's house, for example, looked exactly the way that it had when he'd last seen it. Sirius looked different, but he was ultimately the same. Some of his edges were rougher-- both physically and emotionally-- but the base was the same as it had always been. 

It was easier with everyone else than it was with Harry. James was supposed to have been there for him for each and every step he took, and he'd missed all of it. Lily would know what to do if she was here. It's not that she always made the right decisions, but she didn't like not having a plan. When she was uncertain, she would make a plan. She used to tell him that everything was better with a plan, even if the plan was 'wait and think more', because at least then he would have something to work towards. 

James didn't have a plan, here. People had been asking him what he planned on doing-- about Harry, about Sirius, about the war-- and he never had an answer. He didn't even have the plan to wait and think more. He was just... focusing on Sirius. Pretending that everything was fine because if he tried to think about everything else, he couldn't get himself to stand. 

*

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked. 

James turned to him, a smile coming automatically to his face. "'Course. Why, what's up?" 

"That smile, for one." 

"Er, okay?" James said, his expression turning into something more like a frown. "I can be miserable if that's what you want, but I gotta say that it's a little weird." 

Sirius didn't say anything for a moment, but he looked worried. 

"Are you okay?" 

He raised one hand and rubbed his thumb over James's cheek. Not the cheekbone, but the round, middle part where it would plump up when he smiled. "You keep smiling when you're not happy. You want to explain that to me?" 

James's smile came back automatically. "What are you talking about? I'm fine." 

"Like that," Sirius said, looking more worried than before. "Right now you're smiling, but you're not feeling it. You're allowed to be sad." 

He imagined that, were his calm emotions a marble counter, there would be a massive crack in it. It was jarring. He'd thought he was hiding it pretty well. Smile, and no one would notice that he wasn't feeling as great as he pretended. He should've known that Sirius would realise it, but he'd hoped that he wasn't looking that closely. After all, Sirius had enough to deal with without worrying about what James was doing now that he was alive again. "I'm fine," James said again. "Stop worrying." 

"Don't lie to me," Sirius said quietly. James swallowed. He didn't like lying to Sirius, but it had been over something so small this time that he didn't think it really counted. Evidently, Sirius did not feel the same way about it. "If you're not upset, then you're covering something else up. So what is it? You can't keep on like you have been." When James didn't say anything, he said, "Talk to me. Whatever it is, I promise I can deal with it." 

"It's nothing," James said, but it was weak. 

Sirius didn't even have to say anything else. All he had to do was keep looking at him, and James broke. The crack in his calm deepened until it fell into two separate pieces, and he started to cry. He didn't even feel like he needed to cry; he just started to, and he couldn't make himself stop. Sirius held him the entire time. He didn't tell him that it was okay or that he was safe or any of the things that James normally said to Sirius when their positions were reversed; it made James feel a little better because there wasn't a fix to this. The world had changed when he wasn't around, and now he had to deal with that. Making it better meant that he had to adapt, not that the world needed to change back to the way it had been before. 

When James's sobs tapered off into sniffles, Sirius said, "If it- if it's about us or me, you can tell me that." 

James immediately shook his head. "It's not." His voice sounded small and croaky to his ears from crying, but maybe that was just in his head and not anything that Sirius could hear. "Not really." 

Sirius was quiet for a moment, smoothing his hand up and down James's back. James could straighten, could get his face out of Sirius's shirt now that he wasn't really crying anymore, but he didn't want to. Not looking at him made it easier. "Not really?" Sirius repeated. 

"You were in Azkaban." 

"So?" 

"So? So? What the hell do you mean by that?" James asked, shooting up to stare at him, dumbfounded. His initial idea to not look him in the face went right out the window. How could he be so flippant about it? 

Sirius squirmed a little at the sudden scrutiny. "It happened. There's nothing we can do about it. I don't want to think about it because it makes me feel worse. I just want to focus on what we have now." 

"Just like that? It's that easy for you?" 

"James..." Sirius reached over, putting a hand on the back of James's neck. "I thought I'd lost you. Forever. I never thought I'd see you again, but you're here. You're back. I don't care about the other shite. I would've done anything to see you again. Twelve years in Azkaban was worth it now that you're here." 

James started to tear up again. He shook his head. "Nothing's worth that," he choked out. 

"I disagree," Sirius said softly, and it was that simple for him. 

*

James curled up against Sirius's side. Sirius always slept on his back, so it was easy for James to sleep cuddled up to him. He looked worlds better than he had when James had first gotten back. He still wasn't up to his normal weight, but he didn't look quite so emaciated anymore. 

He got to know Harry. It was weird to be more like his older brother than a father, but at least he had the chance to know him. 

He didn't feel like he'd been awake for very long, but it must have been because when Sirius shifted and James lifted his head, he could feel that the half of his face that had been on Sirius's shoulder was imprinted with red. 

"How long have you been awake?" Sirius asked sleepily, his words slurring together. 

"I dunno." 

"You okay?" 

James thought about it before answering since Sirius didn't like when he said yes automatically. He put his head back down where it had been before. It wasn't quite as comfortable as it had been ten seconds ago. "I think so. Things are... getting better." 

Sirius nodded, then yawned. "You gonna get back to sleep?" 

"Are you getting up?" 

"Yeah." 

"Then no. I'll just get up with you." 

Sirius nodded again, turning his head so that he had a face full of James's hair. "Love you," he breathed. 

"Yeah." Somewhere along the way, he'd forgotten that for a few weeks. It had taken Sirius saying it a couple dozen times before he properly remembered. "Yeah, I love you too." He knew that the way his hand tightened on Sirius was slightly uncomfortable, but he eased up after a moment. He needed the constant reminder that Sirius was there; the same way that he knew Sirius liked constant reminders that James was still there. 

[goodluckdetective]

Fic: Letters to Nowhere 1/3

Ship: Destiel, Sam/Eileen

Fandom: SPN

A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829108/chapters/68131141

Warnings: Grief mostly 

Tags: Angst with a happy ending, angst, found families

Characters: Dean, Sam, Castiel, Eileen, others in passing or in clips

Rating: PG-13

Length: 2k this chapter

Summary:

AU Post Inherit the Earth

After God is defeated, Sam decides to text the one person they're still missing with regular updates. Castiel can read them when he gets back. Because they are getting him back. 

This isn’t Chuck’s story anymore. They’ve lost too much to him as it is. They’ve won: it’s time they feel like it. And act like it too.

Author’s Note:

It’s 2012 again, here’s Wonderwall. 

This fanfic is not canon compliant after “Inherit the Earth” cus this is my city now. It’s been a really long time since I watched Supernatural, let alone wrote fic for it, so this is a bit like getting on an old rusty bike for me. I was dragged in with the news like everyone else, and because I am a firm believer of "fix canon yourself" here I am, writing fic for a fandom I only wrote for twice in my teens. 

I wanted a Destiel reunion as much as anyone, but there are a lot of fics about that with the focus so I wanted to do something that also looked at Sam and Cas’ friendship. So this is a ship fic and a found family fic because I have two hands. I wanted this all to be a one shot, but it's 7K already and that's wild, so multi-chapter here we come. I hope to have this complete by the end of the year with an update weekly.

Fic below the cut:

He sends out the first one on the ride home from what should have been the end of the world with a dog in the backseat and the radio set to blast.

His phone has been beeping non-stop since Jack turned the lights back on. Dean’s too, though he can’t answer since he’s driving. Some messages he gets are from hunters he hasn’t heard from in years, folks he thought might have died on the job. He’s shocked they even remember what happened. The rest of the world didn’t. It’s such a departure from the last times they saved the world with nothing but silence and a new crisis to await them. 

Eileen’s text to him causes his breath to catch. It’s a single sentence.

“This is real.”

If Dean notices him tearing up, he doesn’t mention it. He’s all eyes on the road, heading back to the Bunker like this was a regular job. After fifteen minutes of calls and messages, Sam opens his contacts to reach out to the one number he hasn’t heard from. His thumb lingers over “Castiel” about to press down when he remembers.

He looks to Dean, considering saying something, then decides better of it. The jubilation of their win sours in his head, the reminder that one person isn’t here to see it a depressing note on what should be their happy new beginning. They’d asked Jack to bring Cas back too, of course, but apparently his Godhood has limits when it comes to the empty. All he’d been able to provide them with was some leads to opening a portal and a wish of luck. No angel, no promise of resolution. 

“Chuck would love this,” Sam thinks. “We can never have a victory without a loss to ruin it.”

Rage boils in his gut at the thought. This isn’t Chuck’s story anymore. He doesn’t get to dictate their life as an endless repeating tragedy. They’ve lost too much to him as it is. They’ve won: it’s time they feel like it. And act like it too.

He sends off the first message a few minutes later.

***

Hey man, it’s me, Sam.

I know this is kinda stupid: it’s not like you get bars in the Empty or anything. I don’t expect you to get these there. But when you get back, you should still have your phone (Dean said it went with you) and I plan to keep paying the bill so 1. You don’t have to ask someone for payphone quarters and 2. You can easily catch up on what you missed while you wait for us to pick you up.

We won. We are going to get you out of there. Promise. 

***

So we won. Chuck is human now. Score one for Team Free Will 2.0.

But, Jack is gone. Not dead: he sorta became God. It’s a long story. Anyway, apparently Godhood means an anti-interference policy or something, so yeah he’s gone. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye.

He’s happy though. Which I guess is what matters, right?

We asked him about getting you back before he went hands off. He said he couldn’t grab you himself (something about the Empty being its own thing who knows) but he gave us some leads to start looking. Good leads too. And we’ve done more with less.

***

Eileen is waiting for them when they get back to the Bunker. Sam almost trips over his own feet to pull her into a hug. She laughs and hugs him back, and Sam was so sure he would only hear that laugh again on his voicemail that he starts crying on her nice jacket. She cries on him too, though Sam’s jacket is so covered in dirt and blood that the tears might actually make it cleaner.

Dean doesn’t say a word, just walks past them and mouths to Sam “I’ll be inside, loverboy” with a wink. The dog follows him. As soon as he vanishes behind the bunker door, Sam pulls Eileen into a kiss that is considered impolite to have in front of your sibling. 

After they’ve both calmed down a fraction, Sam fills Eileen in on what she missed, signing as much as he knows. She looks devastated when he tells her about Cas, and Sam remembers that the two of them were starting to become friends. When he tells her about Jack she asks quite a few follow up questions trying to wrap her head around it all. Sam doesn’t blame her: he’s trying to wrap his head around it too.

“So, is it thank Jack now?” She signs, using the hand sign they came up for Jack’s name. 

“I don’t think he’ll care either way.”

She walks towards the bunker, and Sam keeps step with her so she can see his face. “How’s Dean?”

“I don’t know,” Sam signs. “It’s hard to tell with him.” That feels like a massive understatement. Sam is sure he knows Dean the best out of everyone on the planet, but still his brother manages to surprise him. Sam can read through Dean’s bullshit better than most and he’s faster to get a clue when something is up, but figuring out how Dean is doing often feels like decoding a spell. Sam can get the general idea from just looking at it, but for the particulars, he has to put in legwork to decipher exactly what’s on his brother’s mind. All he knows at the moment is that Dean is not okay. The rest is a guessing game until Sam has more clues or Dean spills his guts.

 They walk into the door and head down the stairs. Sam can see the dog, a giant ball of white fur, running around the wooden table in the middle, tail wagging.

 “The dog is a surprise,” he signs. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Castiel and Jack’s names carved into the table and feels a pang of loss. Eileen walks up to the dog.

“Really?”

“I thought he hated them. They have bad history.” History is perhaps an understatement, but Dean’s trauma from Hell is not his to tell. He reaches down to pet the dog behind the ears and they bark happily.  The dog makes a pitiful noise when Sam stops petting them to sign to Eileen. “I’m going to see where he went.”

Eileen nods, bending down to spoil their new furry friend. Sam heads down the hallway towards Dean’s room. When he doesn’t find him there, somehow, he knows where to look. Dean told him where it happened. Past the bookshelves and the door with Cas’ blood on it is Dean, staring at the wall. His palm is against it, head bowed. 

“Dean?” Sam says, voice soft, trying not to startle. Dean keeps his pose for a second then turns around to take in Sam, a fake smile falling across his face. Sam knows it well: it’s too large, too tight at the edges, and it doesn’t reach Dean’s eyes. It’s the kind of smile they put on to talk to civilians on cases, the one to disarm and encourage the feeling that “everything’s alright.” 

Sam has always hated seeing it directed at him. It’s a clue that translates to “something Dean doesn’t think Sam can fix.”

“Sorry, just taking a minute,” Dean says. He walks past Sam before Sam can say another word. “Do you know if Eileen is hungry? I think it’s time for dinner.”

Sam watches him go then turns back to the wall. He knows the significance of this room without being told, just from the sigil on the door and the upturned books. This was where Castiel died. Where the Empty took him. 

“What the hell happened here?” Sam asks the empty space. He doesn’t get a reply but it’s not like he expected one. He knows Cas can’t hear him, but just in case, he closes his eyes and directs the question as a prayer, though the wording is slightly different.

“Cas, what the hell happened to you?”

***

[A photo is attached of a large white dog with floppy ears, lying on a bed next to a sleeping Dean. Both dog and man are drooling, the latter onto his pillow, the former onto Dean’s shirt. A dog bed rests in the corner of the room, unused.]

So Dean has a dog now. Her name is Miracle. She’s been here for two days and she already runs the place. Dean even let her have some of his bacon. I checked to make sure he wasn’t possessed just in case. He didn’t think it was funny.

I was shocked Dean wanted to keep her. You know how he is with dogs. But he insisted. And I guess it’s working out because well...you can see the picture.

Might start calling myself Uncle Sam to get on his nerves. I’ll report back on how that goes should I survive. 

I’m looking into a book Jack told me to start at. There’s a spell in it, one to summon someone who might be able to help us help you. Don’t worry, no deal making required. 

Hope to see you soon.

***

Dean is the one to tell Claire. Sam offers to do it for him, but Dean blows him off, gets in the Impala and drives down to deliver the news in person. He refuses to let Sam come with.

“This isn’t shit you should hear over a phone,” Dean says. “It’s my fault he’s gone. I should at least tell her myself.”

Sam is on edge the entire time he’s gone. When Dean comes back, he looks like absolute crap, and when he falls back in a chair, Miracle is quick to run to his side and place her head in his lap. Sam watches Dean pet her half heartedly behind the ears.

“That bad, huh,” Sam says. Dean reaches to pet Miracle under her chin.

“Kid lost enough. Don’t blame her for lashing out at the dude who cost her more.”

“Dean it’s not your-”

Dean looks up at him and his expression is stone. Sam’s words die on his lips. He knows better than to try to talk to Dean when he’s like this. Not unless he wants it to go badly. 

This is another clue, he thinks. Dean blames himself for whatever happened and not just in his general “the world is my fault” way. Dean confirms it himself the next second he speaks. 

“You don’t know what happened. And it is. Trust me Sam, it is.” He stands up and pats the dog on her head. “And it will be until we get him back. So any leads?”

Sam takes the distraction, but he makes a mental note not to let the conversation go. For now.

***

[Text is from a number belonging to contact “Claire Novak, FBI Cell”]

Fuck you for leaving me too.

***

Went to clean up your room a bit so it doesn’t get too dusty. Found it already in good shape. I think Dean has been keeping the cobwebs away. He really misses you, you know? He’s taking this...hard. I’m worried. I’m always worried but you know what I mean. 

Also, I saw your collection of IDs. Agent Lizzo? Really? Did anyone buy that? 

When you get back, we should make you some ones with some artists who aren’t as conspicuous as a lie. I’m shocked you didn’t get busted. 

The ingredients for this summoning spell are kind of nuts, and they’re going to take time to gather. I’m using Rowena’s stash to make up most of it, but the real problem is making a lyre out of some petrified wood.  We have to steal some from a National Forest Preserve. It’s an easy heist, but it’s kinda weird to be trying to con just some Park Rangers.

Also, do angels know how to play a lyre or is that just a stereotype? I’ve been up for over twenty seven hours reading this thing and I have to know. Tell me when you get back.

Also, what do you know about Orpheus? 

[fortunatelyhauntedblackcherry]

Moonshine - A Beetlejuice Fanfiction 08

Warning: ANGST. With capital letters. So much trauma, anger, crying and death you guys. It was so hard for me to write, it was emotionally challenging, so it might do the same to some of you by reading it. There's also swearing in it.

Beetlejuice floated right through the wall between Rei's and Ari's room. He stretched his back with closed eyes and a huge smile, his bones cracking like dry branches in the wind.

- Oh babes you couldn't possibly imagine how happy I am right now! I heard a genuine scream coming my way! Ah man I haven't heard any of those in a decade, it sounded so... - Beetlejuice opened his eyes. The room was almost empty, only Sirius was inside. Couple of sewing patters were scattered on the floor, next to the already cut-out parts of a cornflower blue dress. BJ blinked at Ari's laptop; the podcast she was listening to has been stopped. - ...kinky. - he finished his sentence in a lowered voice.

He suddenly turned his head to the open window as he realized that a muffled voice came from outside. Sirius scuffled for a bit when he heard the noise and growled when Beetlejuice moved past him. The demon climbed out to the roof, following the noises. Ari was sitting at the farthest end, wrapped in an oversized dark green knitted cardigan. Beetlejuice almost called out to her, scolding her for disappearing when he had such great news but he stopped himself when he realized what the voices were. Ari was crying.

- Babes? - asked Beetlejuice, as he lowered his raspy voice. - What's going on? - Ari quickly turned to the demon's voice's direction. She had a used tissue in her hand. She quickly tried to cover her face with her hair but Beetlejuice saw what she was hiding. Her emerald eyes were all puffy and red, her nose was swollen and full-blooded too, and her lips looked like she didn't drink any water in a week. Her voice was cracking a bit as she started talking.

- Oh, it's nothing, Bug, just... - she beckoned with her hand. Beetlejuice heard as she tried to pull herself together. She let out a huge breath. - ...it's just my mental health issues. They're acting up again. - Beetlejuice stepped next to her as she cleared her throat. - Just gimme a sec, I'll be alright and you can tell me what you have done to my poor sister.

- Nonono, there's something wrong here. - he sat down next to Ari. Her legs were pulled close to her chest as she has enclasped them. She put her chin on her knees, showing as little of her face as she could. - You had a bad day last week when your anxiety was thriving. This is not like that. - Ari smiled lightly. Her wet eyelashes juddered, which made them glisten in the beams of moonlight.

- You really got to know me in the past couple weeks, didn't you?

- Yeah, that... and you also made me sit through 13 episodes of Therapy, which is an awful series by the way, so I'm basically a mind-scientist now. - Ari snorted while she let out a small, sad laugh. - So tell Doctor B, what's going on here, patient number one? - Ari let go of her knees and huffed out. She let her legs dangle off of the roof. She didn't look at Beetlejuice's direction, she just watched the darkness pass by under her feet.

- I... I got to know why do I hear you.

Beetlejuice scrowled and shook his head.

- I'm not following, please explain why does that makes you sad? I thought you wanted to know... - he stopped as Ari rubbed her temples and sighed. She kept her eyes closed while she was talking.

- B., of course I wanted to know! I wanna help, don't think otherwise, it's just... - she clenched her jaw, swallowed her saliva then continued. - The memories. They make me so goddamn angry and sad at the same time.

- I don't get it. - Beetlejuice sounded clueless. He didn't really know what she was talking about. As Ari clicked with her tongue, Beetlejuice moved closer to her and leaned even closer to her ear. His voice was as raspy as always, but he sounded much more sweet and kind. Almost gentle. - Maybe... Talking will help. I don't know, Dr. Phil says it does a lot. - Ari opened her eyes and breathed out. Her breath was jerky.

- The podcast I was listening to, you know, the one about the extraspecial demons, well... - Beetlejuice looked down at Ari's hands. She was sinking her nails into her fingertips. She must have been doing this for at least an hour, since some already left dark purple marks on her fingerpads. Beetlejuice put his hand over Ari's. The cold air made the girl shiver a bit but it also made her stop. - The show started with the hosts talking about how they invited a parapsychologist into the show so he could tell the audience interesting things about demons generally before they start to talk about the different types. So the guy said really interesting stuff, hands down, it really was good, but then he said that after a certain type of trauma, some people develop a weird... "ability". - she used her hands to emphasize the word then let them fall onto her lap again. She sighed. - Do you want to hear the long story of why do I hear you, or the short version? - Beetlejuice flinched his eyes.

- I prefer long and thick things so give it to me, baby. - Ari didn't react to his joke. She'd didn't even smile. She looked like she was was collecting her strength. After a couple minutes of silence, she finally started to speak.

- Bug, have you ever seen how my abdomen looks?

That was a sudden question.

- No? - he said in a kind of shy voice. He didn't wanna upset her more. She seemed just as miserable as furious. - You said no croptops until it's at least 30 °C... Why? - Ari breathed in and layed a bit back. She started to roll her olive t-shirt up on her belly.

Beetlejuice gasped and held his palm before his mouth. The tips of his hair started to turn into red and purple at the same time.

- Who... Who did that to you?!? - Beetlejuice held his hand above the three scars that Ari had on her abdomen. They were shapeless, with rigged edges and at least 5 centimeters long each.

- They've been with me since I was 17. - she sniffled a bit as she let her shirt down. She pulled one of her knees close to her chest again, and put her elbow up on it. - Don't worry, I already got used to them. I don't love them, but they're stuck with me so... - she sighed and look at Beetlejuice's direction. - You sure you wanna hear this story? I might cry. I might get furious and start screaming. You wouldn't like either.

- It's true that nothing is sexier than laughing and screaming of terror, but I'd surely get hard, seeing you deranged with anger. - Ari snorted at the demon's arousing voice. He actually just tried to cover up the fact that all he wanted was to kill whoever did that, and then hug the girl tight.

- Get ready for a love story that is basically horror at best... The kind where the hero still... Gets broken in the end. - she sighed and looked up at the stars. - This fucked up story starts half a year before I got my scars. I started dating a guy named... - she gulped and closed her eyes. - Matthias. - she opened her eyes with a sigh. - Gods, I hate to say his name out loud. It makes me wanna gag. It was a teenage love, I didn't see or didn't want to see his faults and I totally fell head over feet for him. You know what I'm talking about, right?

- Totally. - he had no clue.

- So you know, it was fun in the beginning. He was older than me, so nice and funny. He escorted me basically everywhere, and it just felt so good to be with him. - she sighed. - I thought that he was just worried when he told me I shouldn't go to a party with my friends cause "the world is filled with creeps", but later I realized that he was just simply possessive. - she sighed, sounding annoyed, and looked straight into the darkness of the night. - I started feeling anxious because of him when he started to tell me where could I go and what could I wear. "That's too showing, you can show that much skin only to me!" - she said in a mimicking voice. Then her face turned so dark so quickly. - He told me that if I wasn't acting nice, or behave, or do exactly as he says, that would make him look bad before his friends and a good girlfriend wouldn't want that. Shit, man, we've been together for 4 months only but I was so unstable because of him and massive bullying in school that I turned out to be an anxious wreck. - she clicked her tongue, got up and started to walk up and down, her bare feet tapping on the roof. - We went out one day, and during our "date" he repeatedly told me how I was not smart enough, pretty enough, ENOUGH, and he was with me just because no one else would want me. After he dropped me off at home, I started crying my heart out to my mom. - her eyes got teary again, but there was so much anger in her voice. - Gods she's such a wonderful woman. She taught me how to be brave, how to be strong enough to be myself. And at that moment she made me realize how I'm starting to lose my badass, weird but awesome self because of this stupid cabrón! - she kicked the air. Her breathing was so fast, and her body was radiating so much heat it could almost warm Beetlejuice up. She breathed out with a sigh. - Shit, I must look like a crazy person. Excuse me. I sometimes use spanish words when I'm experiencing a strong feeling. Multilingual things. Cabrón means...

- Pendejo, fucker, asshole, I know. - that sudden cut-in brought Ari down back to earth quickly. She knitted her eyebrows. - I had an argentinian girlfriend who taught me a bit spanish. I can cuss just perfectly. - he tried to sound calm. He really did. But oh boy he was not. The way the emotions changed on Ari's face made him remember some of his past traumas, and that made him feel a lot of different things at the same time. And he was also furious at this asshole of an ex.

Ari sat down again. She breathed out to calm herself down. After a minute of frozen silence, the demon started to talk.

- This whole thing is fucked up, you know. The whole being told what to do and where to go and how to look... - said Beetlejuice in a low manner. His raspy voice sounded... sad? He cleared his throat, even though, being dead, he didn't have to, it just felt good. - I'll totally regret this, but since we're doing this overly honest heartfelt shit that I normally hate, and I'm very much irritated by it, let me tell ya... - he looked at Ari as his hair turned more purple. - I can relate to you. My mother did the same shit to me. She made me feel worthless, a piece of shit that didn't deserve any love. - he sighed and looked up at the moon. He chuckled a bit, his voice went back from soft to normal quickly. - Dear God slash Satan, your emotional bullshit is contagious, Ari. I gotta stop hanging out with you.

Ari smiled lightly.

- You couldn't. You love chilling with me. - the demon scretched his stubbles and let out a tiny laugh.

- True. I'm hooked on that fine ass of yours. - Ari laughed a bit. She looked where Beetlejuice's voice came from previously, and held out her hands.

- You know, I wouldn't really feel it, it won't exactly be a real hug, but if you want to... - Beetlejuice didn't let this opportunity go, he basically jumped into Ari's embrace instantly. He almost fell over her body, and he couldn't really wrap his hands around her, but being this close felt so good. Ari's body radiated so much heat and hearing her heart pitter-patter inside her chest made him forget how she didn't even see him. They both smiled. - Thanks for telling me a bit about your origin story. I know it's hard to talk about these kind of shits.

Beetlejuice let Ari go and sit back a bit, still staying close to the girl. She let her hands down.

- I'm only this honest with you cause you told shit to me too. - the demon lowered his raspy voice. - But if you tell anyone about my problems, even though we are bffffs forever, I'll skewer you like a pig. Understood? - Ari swallowed and blinked nervously while nodding. Beetlejuice continued like he didn't say anything threatening. - Anyway, I still don't know why do you hear me. Are we getting there soon? - Ari nodded again and rubbed her cheek.

- Yeah, sure, buckle up for the worse part of the ride, buddy. - she cleared her throat. - When the next day I went over to his place to break up with him and to tell him that I belong to no one, and he doesn't have the right to tell me what to do, he hit me. He slapped me so hard that my cheek ripped up a bit. - she pulled her hair back a bit, revealing a tiny scar on her left cheekbone. - The next day he called me, told me that he's sorry and he didn't want to hurt me. I hang up on him quickly and got a new number the same day. I wanted him gone. But it didn't take him much time to get my new number. He called me a thousand times. But since I didn't answer, he started to follow me. Watching from the street while I was at school. Creeping around the studio I sang at. - she sniffled as her eyes started to get teary, but she quickly wiped them with the sleeve of her cardigan - You know, I called the cops. I told them everything. And they told me they couldn't do anything until he hurts me. - she chuckled in an annoyed way. She fuckin chuckled. - They didn't have to wait for that for so long.

- WHAT?! - shouted Beetlejuice which made Ari jump a bit. He jumped up in anger, the tips of his hair shining in bright red. - THOSE GUYS SHOULD TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE, NOT TELL THEM TO "GET FUCKIN HURT THEN WE'LL TALK"?!? - he squatted down next to Ari. - Let me guess, that son of a bitch ex of yours caused those fuckin scars?!?

-...yes... - said Ari with bated breath. Beetlejuice scraffed his fluffy hair and unshaven face. - I was walking home late from a rehearsal, mom was at work, and when I was already at our street, he stepped up to me out of nowhere, started to tell me how he's gonna change and after I pushed him, and told him to leave me alone since I fuckin hate him and I don't belong to him... He said that if I don't wanna belong to him, then I'll belong to no-one. And he... - tears started running down her cheeks. - Stabbed me. Again. And again.

- THIS... MOTHER FUCKER... - he bit his fist and started to babble. - I mean yeah sure I kinda get it I'm a bit possessive too, also creepy, but I'm pretty sure he could get an another hot goth chick and...

- HE KILLED ME, MAN! - screamed Ari into the abyss. Beetlejuice froze in his movement.

- W...What? - Ari sat still, hands covering her mouth. Beetlejuice squatted down next to her again. - Babes did I hear that right? - she shut her eyes and sighed. She let her hands go and stared down from the roof.

- Yes. - she said. Her voice was so weak. - A neighbor saw what happened and called the ambulance. I got rushed into hospital and... I went under surgery. They had to remove a part of my intestines asap... They got damaged from the stabs... And while I was knocked out... My heart decided to give up on me. And I died.

Beetlejuice sat down at the brim of the roof. He was shocked.

- I... suppose that's why you have a fixation with death? - he asked calmly. Ari shrugged and lifted her hands up.

- Partly... Other than the fact I was born on Halloween so it's basically in my blood... I think what really caused my obsession is that I remember every goddamn second of being dead. I remember seeing my body, covered in blood, and as I realized what was going on, I started panicking about how much more I wanted to do and how young I was to die. - she sighed with a light, not so real smile. She sounded so damaged. The demon could hear the pain in her voice. - 🎶And so, being young and dipt in folly, I fell in love with melancholy.🎶 - she looked at Beetlejuice's direction after she wiped her tears off with a tissue. - I was dead for 4 minutes before they brought me back. More or less. Looks like that's why I hear you. Many folks who die and come back develop this... "ability" to see or hear creatures from other dimensions. My special power is to hear demons, as it turns out. - she looked at the demon's direction. - Good for you I winded up in this house.

- I'm so happy about that. I couldn't ask for a better breather partner in crime in my dreams. - Ari heard in his voice that he was smiling. Oh if she could see his lightpink hairtips too... - What happened after? - asked Beetlejuice. Ari lifted her eyebrows a bit. - I mean, I hope the fucker got what he deserved and someone killed him. - Ari bit his lips in frustration, and sighed.

- Not exactly... At least he didn't got what I think he would have deserved. - she stretched out her legs. - While I was in the hospital for 8 months, on full-time mental and physical therapy by the way, I filed a report against him and got him arrested. I was so relieved... Then I heard he only got 3 years. - she fumbled through her hair. - Seriously, he fuckin put someone in intensive care for months and all he got was a couple of years then adiós, go on your fuckin way my man?! - she let out an angry growl. - Just because, and I quote, "he was young and could have a bright future", yes, that's what the jury said... - she huffed. - But the good thing is, right after he got out, he violated the restraining order that I got against him. He came to the house that Sofi, Rei, my mom and I lived in. You know, they moved in with us after I got out of the hospital because... For the first 5 or six months, I was afraid to go out without company. So my sisters helped a lot. They even kind of made me forget how my friends left me, because "I was acting overdramatic and why couldn't I just forget and be happy". - Beetlejuice raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

- The fuck is wrong with people... - Ari let out an annoyed chuckle.

- Oh my man, most of them are awful fellas. After this, I didn't even care that I missed my prom. - she swallowed her saliva and leaned back so she could gaze the stars. - So yeah, back to the subject, that pendejo came to our house in the middle of the night and demanded my mom to take him to me cause he wanted to say sorry because he missed me so much and wanted us to start a new chapter. - Ari rubbed her temples. - The police acted quickly this time and put him into jail for 3 more years. - she sighed. - Not that I think that's enough... But it was enough for us to find a new home and move away from him, as far as we could.

Beetlejuice waddled closer to her, and layed down as well.

- You know what's the weirdest thing about you, scarecrow? - Ari chuckled.

- Besides the fact that my best buddy is a demon? - BJ laughed a bit too. - No idea, Bug.

- That you're so full of life, and so goddamn annoyingly positive. If you wouldn't tell me, I wouldn't know you had so much shit to deal with. - Ari put her hands up in the air while shrugging.

- Look, I already know how does it feel to die. By the time I turned 19, I decided I'd try how does it feel to be alive. And when I'm not a mess, oh boy, it's so much fun! - Beetlejuice turned to his side and looked at the girl.

- You’re not a mess babes, you’re a... spicy disaster! - Ari laughed. It was so nice to hear that adorable laugh again. BJ looked straight into her emerald eyes that were gleaming in the moonlight. - You know, doll, I'm really sorry for creeping around. If I would've known, I... - he shut up as Ari gestured with her hand.

- You didn't know. It's alright. I hate being followed, but you're so goddamn chatty that it doesn't feel creepy at all. Plus, you're not human, which makes me more comfortable. It's somehow nice to have you weirdo around.

For a couple of minutes, they just laid there, both watching the stars. It was so peaceful, but something still bugged Beetlejuice and he just couldn't let it go.

- Hey, babes? - Ari turned her head to his direction.

- Yeah?

- If he ever finds you, can I kill your ex-boyfriend?

[bethd0456]

hellooo lovely! i loved reading your response to my last ask - apparently tumblr is messing up my asks bc a lot of them haven’t been going through :( but let’s hope this one does! i’ve been seeing that you watch cherry magic, and it’s one of my favourite shows at the moment!! 💘 who’s your favourite character? mine is kurosawa personally, i relate so much to him and his gayness. also udon chan, the cutest little cat! what did you think of the last ep, wasn’t it so cute!!! (1/2)

i hope you’re doing well!!! i also wanted to ask what your favourite shows and ships are! i already have a vague idea formulating just by browsing through your blog and over our shared love of cherry magic, but i’d looove to hear your thoughts and your favourites!! wishing you the bestest day! 💘 - your secret santa (2/2)

Hiiiii!!!! I hope life is treating you well!

Omg I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it! I hope you're ready for this MASSIVE answer and you don't get too bored reading this one!

CHERRY MAGIC!!!!!! It instantly became a comfort show for me, as it did for many others!

ADACHIADACHIADACHIADACHI. Adachi is 100% my fave. I never fully understood what a comfort character was. I was like, "yeah! I love Tine also!" But. Adachi is the definition of comfort for me. I see so much of myself in him! Everyone sees him and is like "babie. Must protecc." And honestly? Me too. How can one character be so damn CUTE??!?!? One of my favourite moments is him seeing Kurosawa after the almost-kiss. He just like, sees him, and gets so panicked 🥺 the way his arms just flail about makes me smile like an idiot.

But like, on a deeper level, this drama makes me believe I'm worthy of love. The idea that someone like Kurosawa could be THAT infatuated with you, even though you're an awkward virgin lmao. The point of watching these dramas is to get lost in a story, right? See a situation you want so badly but you know will never realistically happen? The entire premise of the show is just really enticing to me. I am Adachi, Adachi is me. Also, the thing he said in ep6 about not having a clear dream in life? Yeah. I felt that. I'm so envious of people who have passions they work so hard for, it gives them a form of purpose. Like Adachi, sometimes I feel like I'm living in a "daze". I feel like I don't really have any specific passions or skills that I want to develop into a career. Sometimes I just wish I had ambition. Adachi makes me feel so seen and like I'm not the only person who feels like this. The kinds of characters that usually make good protagonists are characters with a clear goal/passion. In most shows this obviously really works, but I can never relate to them personally. It's really special for me to see a character who's similar to me in this way.

Kurosawa is such an amazing character too!!!!! His gay little heart 🥺 on another level, he's just so?? Respectful??? 7. YEARS. 7 years of pining and he holds himself back so well!! He's been waiting for this relationship for so long but is so patient, willing to take things slowly for Adachi. He flirts shamelessly (as he should) but never to the point where Adachi was too uncomfortable.

He cares so much about Adachi :(. But also, even before he liked Adachi, he could tell he was uncomfortable with the drinking thing, so he DOWNED the wine lmao. Clearly he's just a lovely person all round who's really socially aware.

As for other characters:

• Udon my baby!!!! The cutest cat ever!! I love animals sm :(((

• Tsuge's chaotic energy is iconic

• Minato a lovely little dance machine :))

• Rokaku deserves the world, my excitable kiss interruptor :(((

• Fujisaki my love! She's so soft and cute!! Also ace coded how iconic

I ADORED ep8!!! I LIVE for established Adasawa! Adachi coming out to Tsuge :((( I'm so proud of Adachi coming to terms with his feelings and being confident enough to share his relationship with his closest friend. Coming out is not easy and he did so well 🥺

Adachi and Tsuge are so useless bless them 😂 Kurosawa really said "well I guess I have to take these two socially awkward disasters under my wing." Adachi and Tsuge are such a chaotic duo, I love that they can communicate just by touching each other, and omg when Kurosawa said his name Tsuge was "wait maybe I know everything about you already" and if that isn't friendship idk what is

Also Kurosawa making up a poem in his head about Adachi???? Peak romance. Also iconic. I'M A SUCKER FOR HAND HOLDING SCENES SO I DIED. "I like him. I like him. I like him!!" HOW CUTE CAN YOU GET FJKHDSHSKSK

I also got another arm flailing moment when Kurosawa almost got the wrong idea about Adachi and Tsuge!! CAN ADACHI STOP BEING SO CUTE MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT. How on earth his boyfriend is still alive I have no idea.

There are so many other shows and ships I love. I feel like I'll probably miss some, but here we go. These aren't rankings at all, just like, lists lol.

Show list:

1. 2gether

This show means so much to me. It was the first time I watched a bl week by week and it made it so much more special?? I valued scenes so much more than when I binge shows and they would like, look at each other and I'd have a heart attack. They made the first part of my quarantine bearable bc I always had something to look forward to every Friday. I actually really enjoyed quarantine overall as an introvert (not to be insensitive about the literal deaths the pandemic has caused), but I really enjoyed constantly thinking about how long it was until Friday. I'm massively emotionally attached to all of the characters in this show you have no idea. Every single one. The found family of it all,, the way all of the characters have relationships. Still2gether did a phenomenal job of showcasing all of the unexpected but very welcome dynamics and relationships, platonic and romantic alike. I could blabber about this show for so long I'll spare u for now

2. YYY

Is it well written? No. Did I enjoy it anyway?? You know it! I told you how much I love the found family trope. UGH. THIS FAMILY. Also, seeing the feminine side of the LGBT+ community represented positively warmed my heart. There needs to be more bls that do that! Celebrate femininity!! There's nothing wrong with being camp as fuck! It's so much fun!!! This show made me so happy :))

3. Start up

I'm currently obsessed. It's my first Kdrama and holy shit this is what the hype is about. The budget!! The acting! Top notch. On a sad note I really wish bls got that much funding behind them. My heart aches for a complicated story with fully developed characters and plotlines, that just happens to have a gay main couple/character. Wishful thinking for now at least. Anyways, I'm massively emotionally attached to Halmeoni and Jipyeong. Team Jipyeong all the way (even tho Dalmi's obviously gonna end up with Dosan, and I'm happy for them!). All I need is a happy ending for my darling Jipyeong. Please give him one. Also, if anything happens to Halmeoni I will WEEP.

4. Cherry magic is obviously here but I've ranted about that enough already 😂

5. 3 will be free

I would never have expected gmm to make a series like this! But they went and did THAT. Wild. It was such a healthy representation of a poly relationship. The themes of feminism were so well handled and powerful, the chemistry was off the CHARTS, I was hooked from start to finish! Time for a rewatch? I think so.

6. Feel good

Not an Asian drama, but still gay as FUCK. It's written by my wife Mae Martin who also stars in it, and I have to say, it blew me away. Story time!! My friend irl recommended it to me without saying it was Mae, so I was like "okay sure I'll put it on my to watch list I guess" without much motivation to watch it. But as soon as I found out it was Mae I watched it and I've never looked back lol. Once I finished I sent my friend a splurge of messages about my feelings. The series touches on issues like addiction, sexuality and gender. "I'm not a boy. I'm not even a girl. I'm like a failed version of both." That shit HURT.

There's a scene near the end which has really stayed with me. So Mae's character is a comedian and she does a set making jokes about the stuff that happened in the series and oh my GOD. The way I CRIED. It made me realise that people who make jokes about their experiences are using humour as a coping mechanism and when people say "Haha I have daddy issues isn't it funny" we have to remember to be respectful. It's never okay to make jokes about someone else's trauma. Don't make a big deal of it but just don't be a dick.

Anyways I could go on but would 100% recommend this series!

7. HIStory 2 crossing the line

My first bl! This series is the reason I'm so obsessed with bl lmao. The main couple are so soft :( this little series will always hold a special place in my heart!

8. Sotus

My first gmm series, we've come a long way. I miss Kong and Arthit :(

9. Dark blue kiss

Such a brilliant series. I trust P'Aof (director) with my life. This series touches on issues that are so important and deserve to be talked about so much more in bls. This is what happens when you let LGBT people tell LGBT stories! They do it with such care and love!! One of my favourite lines is "I may like men, but I'll never like your brother." One of my biggest let peeves is "I don't like men, I only like x." Like, I get the business behind it, they don't want to make the character gay to make them available for girls to fantasise about. Which is disgusting. But Mork really said "no. ❤" and I LOVE IT.

10. The shipper

I could go on and on about how underrated I think this series is. This series took over from 2gether on Fridays, and while I didn't think about this series constantly like I did with 2gether, this series made my quarantine brighter. Fridays meant I was gonna laugh at least once and forget about life just for a short while. The humour in this series is so fucking dumb lmao, but I'm here for it.

I've seen people talk about the shipper as a bl but I disagree. I think it's better described as a series with bl aspects. The main themes are friendship, family, dealing with loss, respecting boundaries of people you admire, and one of the main messages is about making sure the people close to you know how much they mean to you. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the series is over the top humour, but by the end of it I was personally really attached to the characters and their feelings. Overall I really enjoyed this series but I don't see anyone properly talk about it :(

11. Gaya sa pelikula

A series made by gay people for gay people. Shows like this are so important. This show really healed my soul with how brilliant the representation was :(( "remember we talked about microagressions" the way that means Vlad is constantly educating Karl about LGBT stuff, UGH. SO GOOD. Also this show has the most realistic representation of a crush I've ever seen lmao, soft Vlad is the best Vlad.

12. My engineer

My happy little Saturday show :( I miss the shit writing, shit acting and soft story of this series so much. I'm so fond of this series, I watched it after the horrible ep12 of 2gether and it really made me happy. I'm looking forward to season 2, but Ramking's novel goes DOWNHILL from here on. I know tricreation wouldn't allow the final chapter's scenes, but the entire story is so problematic and unenjoyable :(. The only valid scene is King's coming out scene but that's literally it. And the collar scene can stay lmao.

13. Oxygen

Another soft saturday series! I love this series so much, all of the couples are so bloody healthy and it makes me so happy. The communication is amazing!! THIS is how you show healthy relationships!!!

14. The gifted

S1 was so amazing!! I loved all of it! The only part of s2 we'll talk about is timegracethird. Time best boy!! Grace a feminist queen! When future Grace said they would be friends for a long time that made me so happy :(( also pangwave canon

15. Until we meet again

So I talked about the healthy relationships in oxygen. But uwma really showed the healthiest relationship ever. DeanPharm are just the softest little humans :( I would die for Pharm. He's the closest I got to a comfort character before Adachi. I just have to PROTECT HIM. My motherly instincts really kick in when I see him lmao.

The storyline of this series is just breathtaking. And the ending? I don't think I've ever cried that much. At all. It was so fucking beautiful 🥺

16. My gear and your gown

I really liked this show! Honestly I don't think I'll ever rewatch it but I definitely enjoyed it. The way Pai just seemed to breathe freely for the first time when his parents accepted his sexuality :(((( my baby :( also purefolk were brilliant

Ship list:

1. Saratine

These two are the definition of romance. They mean the fucking world to me. The fact that their story is apparently gonna be continued in some form makes me so. So. Happy. I cannot begin to describe it. My bet is on a special episode and ugh I'm so EXCITED.

2. Aini

Thonhonchonlatee in general is enjoyable but I don't like Thon at all. It's such a shame bc I was so excited for Khaotung and Podd to be in a series together :((. BUT. Aini have grabbed my heart. I knew they would bc miketap are brilliant, but wow. They're so gay my little babies :( miketap are just so natural and comfortable to watch. I love their chemistry so muuuuuuch

3. Sunmork

Coffee boyfriends :( I miss them so bloody much

4. Ramking

One of my fave ships. As I mentioned, I'm apprehensive about s2, but s1 ramking is such a beautiful story. It's just about 2 boys falling in love, no complications. Plant boy who's afraid of dogs falls in love with quiet boy who loves dogs but is afraid of children. Iconic. Also chemistry outsold, I THINK ABOUT THE KISS CONSTANTLY. When I mentioned the acting is shit in this series (shit is harsh, I mean awkward), I did not mean Perth and Lay in the slightest. They really nailed their roles and I loved it.

5. Professor Layton x Claire

You 100% won't get this reference but I grew up with the Professor Layton games and holy shit do they hold up. They're so amazingly written with beautiful stories and the most lovable characters in the world. Layton's intellect, loving nature and surprising athleticism are admirable. Adachi is the character I relate to most, but if I was gonna choose a character to comfort me irl, Layton's your man. His voice is so comforting by nature. I'm blabbering at this point but the point is him and Claire are the only het pairing that matters.

These are just the ships that I felt should be separate from their shows. I love all of the ships from the shows I mentioned.

Oof this got horrifically long, I haven't had a proper chance to rant about most of these shows so I really let it out lol. I hope you've watched at least some of these shows and I didn't just rant to u about 12 shows you've never heard of 😂

I hope you have a wonderful day love!!!!

[borhapparker]

holland’s scrubs  |  chapter six “The Night Shift” (part 1 of 2)

a/n: so this has taken a while to get out. after what happened last sunday, i went back to the one thing that has helped me cope these past 2 weeks: writing. a big ass thank you to danika ( @spider-girlwanab / @spidergirlwanab ) for helping me heal and craft this incredible chapter. i owe everything to you. muchisimas gracias. i hope you guys enjoy. look out for the next part.

word count: 3.3k

Previous Chapter  |  series masterlist  |  full masterlist

The ER was bustling with excitement, as the doctors and interns arrived. Something was off about the doctors, as they watched the interns talk amongst themselves, some wondering why they were there at 5:30pm when they were supposed to be home. Skye and Danika reviewed the forms, as Sebastian and Z prepped the nurse’s desk, sorting papers and charts where they knew the new crew would need them. As they finished, they came up to both Skye and Danika, as Danika seemed to be trying to calm down her best friend.

“Everything okay?” Sebastian asked as Danika nodded with a laugh and a small huff of disappointment.

“Yeah, she’s just really excited and happy.” Danika said as Skye bounced on the balls of her feet, hands clasped in a tight grip. “She gets to see her childhood best friend again, so that’s a big bonus for her.”

“I heard!” Z said, turning to Skye, “Hey, calm down, they’ll be here in 5 minutes. Apparently, they managed to get a ride in an ambulance from the airport so they’ll be here in a little bit.”

Skye’s ears perked up at hearing the ambulance outside, as she parted the crowd and ran outside. The doors to the ambulance opened, as one of its occupants got out, arms open as Skye jumped into them, legs wrapping around the person’s waist.

Tom and Harry both shared looks, noticing the odd behavior from the doctor. “Her boyfriend?” Harry asked as Tom only shrugged in response.

They hugged for a couple seconds, before she unwrapped her legs from his waist and he let her down. “TC! You look better! How have you been, it’s been too long!” she said, as he only smiled at her, patting her head.

“It’s been really good, Skye. You look.. Shorter. Did you shrink?” he asked with a laugh as Skye only lightly punched him in the shoulder. “You know I’m only kidding.”

“I know. How have things been with Jordan? I heard a couple things from a friend of mine.” she asked, as TC only rolled his eyes, knowing her constant communication with Drew. Her eyes widened, as she grabbed his shoulders. “What happened?”

“We broke things off for good. I don’t think it was time for either of us to be in a relationship after what happened. Plus, we kind of found other people.” TC explained, as she nodded, before the rest of the doctors started coming out of the ambulance.

Her eyes spotted Drew and Topher, as she went to help with the bags in their arms, before embracing each in a side hug. The interns came over to help when they noticed their attending struggling with the items in her arms. They each grabbed a bag, bringing it inside as Skye ushered the rest of the doctors inside the ER.

The interns watched with curious eyes at the presence of new doctors and the intimidation seeping from their pores. Each of the doctors stood alongside another attending, Danika beginning to quiet down the interns as the ER became quiet in a matter of seconds. The female interns scanned the male doctors, some with smirks on their faces, as the doctors only chuckled under their breath at the attention they were receiving. The attendings nudged them, before Skye took a step forward, wanting to seem intimidating, as the interns eyes traveled to her.

“So, tonight, we have a couple guests from the San Antonio Memorial Hospital. They’ve decided to pay us a quick visit. They are old friends of mine, back when I used to work at San Antonio Memorial. They will be showing us how they run the night shift at their hospital. Which is exactly why all of you are here instead of at home. You will be running the night shift as nurses. Tonight, you are not just interns, but nurses. Each of these doctors will be in charge of you, asking you to run labs, accompany them in surgery, and chart patients. You need to be on your best behavior today, making sure that you are following not only the rules of the hospital, but their rules as well. Do not fuck up, and I don’t mean this lightly. Whoever messes up first, and I cleared this with the Director so don’t think this won’t happen, you’ll be gone by sunrise. Understand?” they nodded, fear crossing their features as Drew and TC only chuckled. “I’ll be pairing everyone with a different attending and doctor. Report to your doctor as soon as your name is called.”

Skye grabbed the clipboard from Danika, before reading out names and pairing the interns with doctors. As soon as she finished calling the other groups, she called her own. “My group is with TC.” she looked up from her clipboard. “Head to your doctor. We start in 5 minutes.”

The group of interns dispersed, as Danika and Sebastian shared a knowing look, before heading to their own groups. Each of them took a room, their attendings listening to each of the doctors for advice. Jordan had been given a group that consisted of more male interns than female, so she was constantly avoiding flirting from them, as she finished her advice, before taking questions. Drew’s group had constantly been asking him questions about his time in the army, and how he made it as a surgical trauma doctor. It was like he was in an interview, yet they were learning from him, so he answered each and every question as thoroughly as he could, giving them answers they would be satisfied with. TC had Skye join him, as he shared his experiences and even a couple funny moments in the ER, some including Skye and some including himself. Their group seemed to be the most interested, as Danika received a page, an emergency coming in to the ER. She left the room, heading to Skye’s room and alerting her.

Everyone left their rooms and joined the ER as the new incoming patients were rolled inside on gurneys. Topher and Drew took in the first patients, bringing them into rooms as they checked off their injuries, the interns beginning their work as nurses. “Alright, I need someone to run labs for me and someone else get a CT order.” one of the interns ran out of the room, immediately ordering labs for the patient and getting the CT order in.

The rush from the ER had everyone on their toes. New patients coming in every half hour, the accident they had been in causing massive casualties, yet that didn’t stop the interns from learning from the best, and getting used to what it’s like to run an ER as nurses, and not as interns.

It didn’t take long for things to start going South. We can recount that night in three main events that led to many people slipping away, people going home and people not being able to make it to the morning. Harrison Osterfield was one of the first to contribute.

The routine was supposed to be simple. Check the patient’s vitals, write them down on their charts, do what you can and don’t get in the doctor’s way. Harrison didn’t usually have trouble following instructions but something was up with him. Topher assigned Harrison to a case that seemed easy. Young 17 year old pregnant girl with shortness of breath and nose bleeds. Harrison had checked her charts and sent them off to the labs, as he awaited the tests. His name had been called, as he grabbed the charts and labs, noticing an abnormality as he headed back to the patient’s waiting room, opening the door and noticing her on the floor. Her chest didn’t seem to be rising as he dropped to his knees before her, quickly checking her pulse before beginning chest compressions, as he called out to his doctor, Topher, who came running in, concern etched on his features.

“What happened?” Topher asked, helping Harrison as he grabbed the crash cart, as Harrison only stopped him, “We need to get her heart beating again!”

“We can’t! She’s pregnant! We need to use an AED to get it working again.” Topher nodded at Harrison’s words as he continued with 30 compressions, as Topher returned with the equipment.

He turned it on, before giving it to Harrison. “Charging.” he paused as the machine beeped, “Clear.”

“Clear.” he shocked her, as her body reacted, her heart returning to its original pulse. “Alright, we’re good. We need to bring her onto the hospital bed.” Topher nodded, as they both picked her up, placing her on the hospital bed before connecting her IV into her arm.

As soon as they left the patient’s room, Topher turned to Harrison, anger etched on his face. “Now, do you mind telling me what happened in there?”

“She was okay when I went to get her charts, I don’t know.” Harrison tried explaining, as Topher only shook his head, anger etched into his features, waving Harrison off.

“No, stop. Derek,” he turned to another intern, “You’re taking over. Go.” he nodded, scurrying off as Harrison looked at him, mouth agape, anger coursing through his veins. “And you,” he pointed at Harrison, “You’re done. Go and sort through the charts on the desk.”

Harrison breathed out in anger, nodding and clenching his fists before turning around. Topher had returned to see the other patients as movement in the corner of Harrison’s eye caught his attention. He turned, seeing Derek and another patient, who he had heard was named Sally, were chatting, Derek shooting her a flirty smile as she giggles. His eyebrows furrowed, watching the intern flirt with the patient, before noticing the crooked IV coming out of her arm, as well as the unfinished stitch across her forehead. It was supposed to be a simple stitch, a 1st year nursing student could do one, yet it looked like it had been done by a 5 year old. Harrison huffed out, before walking over to Derek and Sally.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he stopped at the foot of the bed, Derek catching his eye and smiling nonchalantly. “Hey, Harrison, don’t you have some paperwork to do?”

“I do, but I couldn’t help but notice you not doing anything. Did you finish the stitching on the patient’s forehead?” Derek only nodded as Harrison walked over to examine her, “Well, this doesn’t look like you did a good job. It’s not even done. And the IV is completely out of place.”

Derek shot him a glare, “What’s it to you, huh? Why don’t you go back to your little group of wannabe doctors, huh? Let the real interns have their shot.”

Harrison’s eyebrows furrowed in anger, clenching and unclenching his fists beside his body. He motioned for him to leave the room, as he shot a wink in Sally’s direction. He walked out, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at Harrison, their same-height advantage doing nothing to intimidate him. “What the fuck was that, Osterfield?”

“Maybe you should be doing what you’re supposed to instead of flirting with the patients.” Harrison shot back, anger coursing rapidly through him, yet he bit it back.

“Oh really? Yeah, what about your little buddy Tom over there, getting some help from the doctors to bump himself up to a higher position? Tell me, how come he disappears at the same time that Doctor Danika does? A coincidence, or does Tom think that everything will be handed to him if he flails his dick around.” Derek said, a smirk rising to his lips as Harrison had had enough.

That’s when chaos ensured. The first punch was thrown by Harrison, causing a massive fight to ensure between both, as Derek brought his arms up, wanting to defend himself and taking a jab at Harrison. His fist connected with his cheek, as he tackled him, the other interns noticing and getting the doctors in charge to separate both rowdy interns. Skye was the first to be alerted, as she ran from the exam room across the ER, heading to the direction of the interns as Seb and Danika had entered as soon as she was close to them.

“Alright, break it up! Break it up!” she yelled, going to grab one of their arms as they reacted, jerking it away, their elbow striking her across the face, and a kick going to her ribs. She fell back, her hands clutching her face as Seb let out a shout, running toward the fight with Danika close behind.

Seb came to help her first. He crouched beside her body as she clutched her face, Danika immediately heading to Harrison’s side. Danika was short by his side, as her arms immediately found themselves around his neck, bringing him back into a chokehold as Drew grabbed the other intern, walking him away from Harrison and Danika. Due to Danika’s height, and the chokehold she had on him, Harrison was forced to bend at the knees, hands coming up to grip her forearms, wanting to open up his own airway as he struggled to breathe. The adrenaline was still running through his body, yet the urge to keep fighting with Derek dissipated. Derek was holding the bridge of his nose, blood coming out and staining his lips and chin, as he glared at Harrison, who only returned the gesture.

“Both of you need to calm down.” Skye said, as she got up from the floor with the help of Seb, while clutching her arm over her ribs. “Drew and Danika, put them in the conference room, but don’t leave the room. I’ll be there to talk to both of you in 5 minutes.”

Danika nodded her head, before Drew followed behind her, as they put both of them inside the conference room, making sure they were at least a couple feet apart from each other, not wanting to start another fight between them.

Meanwhile, a couple different doctors came to check up on Skye, as she brushed them off, wanting to talk to the interns as soon as possible. “Skye, you need to get those ribs checked out. You might be seriously hurt and you know the Director will have our heads if he finds out one of his most prized attendings is seriously hurt.” one of the attendings said as she shook her head, walking away with Seb by her side and to the conference room.

“Just check it later, I have to get this sorted first.”

They both walked into the conference room, spotting Derek with a rag against the bottom of his nose, his others fingers pressing on the bridge as Harrison sat in the chair across, holding his shoulder. The two attendings kept a watch on them as Skye closed the door behind Seb, before turning to the two interns.

“So, anyone care to explain to me what the fuck all that was about?”

Harrison kept glaring at Derek, words spilling from his lips, “Derek here was flirting with a patient who had a misplaced IV and an awful stitching on the forehead. I just went over to ask what that was about.”

“That’s a lie! I was working on a patient and he comes over like he owned the ER, demanding that  turn over the case he had lost from Topher.” Derek says, Harrison’s anger only fueling as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

“You little shit, he wasn’t doing anything! The only reason I took a jab at him was because he went and insulted my mate. I wasn’t about to let him do that, especially when I can do something about it.” Harrison fought back, as Skye put a hand up, stopping their argument.

“Who’s the patient?”

“Sally O’Brien. Room 204.” Harrison quickly said as Skye raised her eyebrows, looking over at Derek.

“Derek, you’re the doctor, shouldn’t you know this information? What about her symptoms. Tell me, Derek, why did she come into the ER?”

“Uh,” Derek paused, as Harrison only rolled his eyes. “Stomach flu and she fell while walking down the stairs. The IV was fluids and the stitch was for the fall.”

“Liar.” Harrison said, turning to Skye, “Domestic abuse case. A blow to the head which required stitches, and two broken ribs, hence the IV with a nerve block.”

Skye raised her eyebrows, crossing her arms before wincing at the pain. “Derek, the first thing a doctor should know about their patient is the reason for their visit.” she turned to Harrison, “And you. You can’t just be picking fights with anyone who insults you or your mates. You work with people you sometimes don’t want to be around, but not everyone gets what they want.”

They both nodded, as Skye looked over at Danika, “Do me a favor, and get Harrison’s arm checked out. Drew, clean the nose, please. I need to get these ribs checked out, they hurt like a bitch.”

Danika nodded, grabbing Harrison by his good arm and pulling him out of the room and towards an exam room as Drew did the same. Harrison had dislocated his shoulder in the fight, as Danika was getting ready to pop it back into its socket, while Derek had a broken nose.

The doctors worked quickly, as Skye had her ribs checked. It had been a tough blow, yet none of them were broken. A bruise was forming on her side and one underneath her eye, on her cheekbone.

“I’m fine, Seb. We need to get back to work. Technically, it’s still our shift. I”ll just take some painkillers and work through the pain.”

“But you shouldn’t have to.”

She glared at him, standing up from the patient bed and slightly crossing her arms. “I’ll be fine, really. I promise.”

He put his hands up in defense, a frustrated look crossing his features before they softened at her. “Alright, just don’t push yourself too hard. Promise?”

She nodded, as they both left the patient room, before heading to their previous stations.

Danika had led Harrison inside an exam room, motioning for him to sit on the bed as she got to work, grabbing her materials and a sling for him afterwards. He laid down on his back, as Danika placed his arm in a 90 degree angle away from his body, his eyes closing as she slowly pulled, before the shoulder was put back in its place, as Harrison groaned, before placing the sling on his arm with the help of Danika.

She turned back to the monitor in the patient room, as her phone pinged. Placing her hand inside the pocket of her scrubs, she pulled out her phone, checking the screen, before letting out a long sigh and slipping her phone back into the pocket of her scrubs. She turned back to Harrison, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Look, I know you made a mistake today, and you just wanted to defend those you care about, but I do have to let you know that all of the doctors are meeting in a few minutes to discuss whether or not both of you are going to be permanently terminated from the team.” Harrison’s eyes widened, as Danika looked at him, before placing a hand in the air. “Now, I need you to give me a valid case for why I should defend you. I’m your attending, which means it’s my job to defend you when you’ve made a mistake and are in danger of being fired.”

Harrison lowered his gaze, his good arm adjusting the one in the sling, as she waited for him to explain. He knew this was a make-or-break moment for him, whether he would stay at the hospital and continue his residency, or if he would have to apply to other hospitals and look for a new job.

He had to pick his words carefully, or he could walk out of the hospital before the sun came up.

[writing-after-midnight]

Dreams of Darkness

Part 7

WRITING MASTERLIST

Hello peeps, I have posted a load of parts in quick succession lately, but they’re probably gonna start becoming less frequent  :( but I’ll try my best! Thanks for reading, and if you wanna be tagged, drop me a message :) Thank you! x

**********

Feyre sat behind the counter, sipping a cup of tea that Andromache had brewed her. Her broken arm was in agony, but she could do nothing else but cradle it with an ice pack, and wait for Mor. Poor Andromache didn’t know what to do to help Feyre, apart from retrieve a blanket from her apartment upstairs and ask if she needed anything. Feyre was happy to just sit there and think about the last few weeks, to take her mind off the throbbing on her right side.

Feyre had heard about the analogy about the frog in boiling water, where the frog will jump out of the cooking pot if put into boiling water straight away, but will boil to death if the water is slowly heated up. What she hadn’t realised, however, was that she had been the frog, and Tamlin had been the water.  She had been wasting away into nothing, bit by bit, because of Tamlin’s watchful eye. Thank the Mother she had been dragged to that party weeks ago and met the Inner Circle, otherwise she probably wouldn’t be alive by next month. Rhys had been her conscience, that encouraged her to jump out of the slowly boiling pot.

The night wore on, and Feyre’s adrenaline petered away slowly, bringing waves of pain down her arm. Andromache had offered to take her straight to the hospital and meet Mor there, but Feyre had insisted through her pain-fogged mind that she wouldn’t put Andromache out of her way. Andromache didn’t know what else to do but respect Feyre’s wishes. The poor girl had been through enough already. Andromache thought.

Finally, there was a tinkle of the door and two figures entered. One with wavy blonde hair, and one with inky-black hair. It was Mor... and Rhys. What had happened to Rhys? He had looked troubled when she saw him earlier that day; his eyes had been looking into a far-away place, and his features were pulled into a worried frown. But now... he looked distraught. His hair that was usually smoothed back had been roughly pulled by fingers running through his scalp, and there was a lingering terror in his deep blue eyes. He had become pale, making his features more harsh-looking. He stood there staring at her, frozen to the spot.

“Feyre!” Mor cried, rushing to her side and pulling her into a tight hug. She heard Feyre’s groan when her arm was caught between the two of them, and immediately let the hug become less firm, so she could move her hand. But Mor wouldn’t let go. The hug seemed to benefit Mor as much as it did Feyre, as Mor was starting to shake, and repeating to Feyre, “You’re free, you’re free.” A tear slid down Feyre’s cheek. She was free, not to be controlled.

Rhys was still glued to the spot, probably more in horror than Feyre at that moment. Feyre watched his fists clench and unclench, like he was trying to calm himself down. “I’ll go get the car started, Feyre needs to get to the hospital.” He said to no one in particular, and walked out.

Mor finally let Feyre out of the hug. “You’re going to be okay, Feyre. We’re going to the hospital to get that arm set, and we’ll take you wherever you want to go. Rhys says you’re welcome to stay at his, of course.”

“Thank you, Mor.” Feyre said, unable to express the amount of gratitude she wanted in this moment. Her brain felt like it was on auto-pilot, just so she was able to process that the people in front of her were not figments of her imagination.

**********

Every little bump of the car on the road sent waves of agony down Feyre’s arm, as she had to keep it steady to cause less damage. She hadn’t dared look at it, until she got a glimpse in the flashing lamplights through the car window as they drove through the streets. She wished she hadn’t looked. Bent at a funny angle from the lower arm down, her right arm hung uselessly. Part of her skin was straining from where the bone was starting to poke through. She let out a whimper of pain anytime the car made a turn.

Mor was sat in the back with her, offering a gentle hand on her good shoulder, still shaking slightly. From what she heard the last time she was at the house with them, Feyre thought something similar must have happened to Mor with the man she mentioned, Eris.

Rhys, however, kept his eyes focused on the road, and had still not spoken to her. His initial horror of seeing her in such a state at the launderette must have still been reverberating in him, as he was still pale and had shadows swimming in his deep blue eyes. Feyre felt a little bit hurt, as she had wanted to talk to him mainly to see why he looked so haunted, but she understood his shock from the first time she had seen him that day, and let it pass.

Feyre still had tears trickling down her face, even though she felt like she had at least recovered a little bit from the trauma of that day. These people, who she had known for a day and a half at the most probably, had wondered where she had gone for those weeks, and cared that she was in trouble. Once they had heard the news that she was with Andromache, they hadn’t hesitated to come for her and help. The few times her sisters had come to visit in the past few months since she had been engaged to Tamlin, they didn’t notice or bother to point out how much weight she had lost, because they probably couldn’t have cared less. But the Inner Circle had noticed immediately. Feyre would be forever grateful for them.

**********

They eventually reached the hospital, and Mor lead Feyre in through the doors, taking care of keeping her arm steady. Rhys went to park the car. After about half an hour, the doctor welcomed them into a room, where he started to plaster Feyre’s arm. Mor and Rhys sat with her through the procedure, Mor offering words of encouragement, and Rhys keeping quiet, watching.

“So, Feyre. How have you ended up like this?” The doctor asked, trying to make conversation.

“We were climbing trees like 6 year olds. Quite silly of us really.” Feyre was also grateful Mor was thinking quick on her feet, using the leaves still caught in Feyre’s hair and the cuts across her face to her advantage. Feyre couldn’t process conversation like that at the minute

“Can I write my name on it?” Mor asked, looking at Feyre’s new cast, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

“Uh, yeah. If you want.” Feyre replied, not really caring as a small pulse of pain  quickly swept up her arm. It hurt significantly less than it did an hour ago, so Mor’s attempt at lightheartedness worked a bit. Unfortunately, Mor couldn’t find a pen, but vowed to draw lots of love hearts and stars all over it when they returned to Rhys’ house.

Their drive home was quiet, as Rhys still seemed to be in his own world, and Feyre was content to sit and just think.

They arrived at the gates of Rhys’ house, and Feyre could finally breathe a sigh of relief. She was free. She was safe. She wouldn’t be hurt.

Mor, Feyre and Rhys walked in through the door, to be bombarded by a massive hug for them all by Cassian. It was a strong but surprisingly gentle hug, bearing in mind it was from a muscled and excitable man like Cassian; Feyre was happy to be welcomed back.

“We’re so glad to see you Feyre; we’ve been wondering where you’ve been!” Cassian said. Feyre felt a pang of guilt, knowing that he was wondering why she hadn’t bothered to contact them yet. Rhys mustn’t have told them yet.

“Well, she’s here now, so that’s what matters.” Mor replied, recovering Feyre from her stuttering. Amren and Azriel appeared from around the corner, both quiet, but Feyre could feel the quiet joy radiating off of them. Azriel smiled at her.

“Good to see you again, Feyre.” He said.

“Mother above, Feyre. You’re a mess! We’ll have to clean you up and find you some new clothes!” Feyre knew Amren meant this in a kind way, as she was fussing over her, already picking brambles out of the scraps of cloth left on her.

Feyre smiled at them all. The first genuine smile she had given to people in weeks. Mor gently took her shoulder.

“Good idea, Amren. Feyre, I didn’t have time to bring any spare clothes of mine, so you’ll have to borrow Rhys’ again for tonight. I’ll go home tomorrow and get some for the next few days.” Mor said. “Rhys, did you hear that? Feyre needs clothes please! Pronto!” Mor added, waving her hands in front of Rhys’ vacant expression. He blinked, processed it in his brain for a second and looked at Feyre once more before leaving the room.

“Is he alright?” Azriel asked.

“I think he’s just a bit shocked. He’s been like that since this afternoon.” Replied Mor quietly. She didn’t retell the events from that day, in which Feyre was grateful. As happy as she was to see them all again, she really wanted to go to bed. She was physically and mentally exhausted. Mor turned to Feyre and saw this tiredness in her eyes, so excused them both to sort out Feyre and left the room.

**********

Showering with a cast was a new experience for Feyre. She had been advised to keep it out of water, so was stressing about getting it wet; and after a while, her arm started to feel really heavy. Why did she have to put herself through these situations for other people, especially Tamlin? Why did he say he loved her, then did everything that indicated he didn’t? Why did he have to control when, where and who she went out with? Suddenly, salt tracks were mingling with the water, and Feyre was sobbing. Her legs went weak, and suddenly she was on the floor, water pouring down her face. The sobs wracked her body and she was shaking from head to toe. She realised that the shock had been the only thing keeping her together before. Her emotions were going up and down like a roller coaster. 

She made herself switch off the tap and get herself out of the shower. Mor was waiting patiently outside. She dressed into the cozy jumper Rhys had found for her and walked out of the bathroom.

The look of concern on Mor’s face at her blotchy face sent Feyre into more tears. Mor was immediately there to guide her to sit on the bed in the bedroom. She wrapped her arms around Feyre’s frail body.

“He hurt me. He said he loved me and he hurt me.” Feyre wept.

Mor just hugged her tighter. They stayed like that for a long time.

**********

Tagging: @call-me-amissa @illyrianbeauty@l0sts0uls1128 @musicmaam @ame233 @pleasantclamwriter @massiverockcollection @dreams-of-feysand @callie-bear15 @huntress-of-velaris @writtenwordheart @rolltide7 @reading-and-regretting @ellenoftroy @kingdomofbrokenhearts @girlgotattitude448 @anr2332 @amylolysis @amazinginglyawesomeperson @tothemaas @feyrecursebreaker

[demigodofhoolemere]

Oh boy. Here we go. Gonna try to get my Endgame thoughts out. Usually I give spoiler-free versions as well, but... you really can’t say a word about this movie that isn’t a spoiler, so everything goes under the cut.

~~~

Shortest summary: the things that were good were really good, but the things that were bad were just as bad (aka disappointing), and there are gray areas in between that I have complicated feelings for.

I’ll start with the bad so I can end with the good.

Complaints

- Anyone who knows how I feel about Ragnarok knows that the first and most frustration-filled complaint has to be about Thor. I try not to speak too openly about my feelings for that movie, because a) I don’t want to ruin anyone’s fun by saying how much I hate the thing they love, no one wants to hear that, and b) I don’t want to be eaten alive for it anyway. But given that we’re under the cut now: I really hate that movie. And there’s a plethora of things I could get into about that which I won’t, the important point here is that I can’t stand Thor’s characterization. They stripped him of everything that made him who he was, to the point of such unrecognizability that I only call him by name in quotation marks or refer to him as Fake Thor. I know how many people consider the overhaul an improvement, but I genuinely loved who he once was, and they turned my boy into the exact kind of character that I hate ten out of ten times. Infinity War, while still very much trying to keep with who he’d become, seemed like it was attempting to course-correct and let him actually be serious again, he definitely had some moments that I liked where I could see him as the Thor I know peeking out again. Foolishly I assumed Endgame would follow suit, especially since this is supposed to be the biggest, darkest movie ever. Instead I’m subjected to a “Thor” who is SOMEHOW even further removed from recognition and manages to even be an insult to Ragnarok Thor, who in the very least refused to give up on his goals and knew that hiding and drinking wasn’t the answer to problems. This yet newer version is drinking himself into oblivion and not trying even a bit to actually be any kind of leader for his people, and it’s all played for laughs. This genuinely tragic and miserable state they put him in is all played for laughs. I was looking forward to seeing how they’d have Thor respond to his trauma and depression, foolishly thinking that his characterization might be slowly headed to a better place and it might be something like how we used to see Thor deal with his pain (quietly, soldiering on, but clearly without his heart completely in it, he tries to be okay and he hides it and he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and he hurts and he grieves but he never gives up because surrender is not in his nature) — but it turns out the man can’t even be depressed without it being a joke. It honestly pained me to watch and I wanted to throw up, because it feels like a stranger walking around in Thor’s corpse, and because it was all just one long joke about him being sad and fat (like that’s okay to make fun of?), and all of this during the hugest movie event ever. The culmination of a decade of stories, and this is what we get. A disgrace in every way. It’s terrible but when Thanos was digging the weapon into his chest, I was actually hoping he’d die. I can’t take it anymore. The only reason I have left for caring whether he lives is purely for Loki’s sake at this point, because he shouldn’t have to lose his brother, but then again, I really don’t even feel like his brother is home anymore. The lights are on but it’s someone else in the house and I don’t know who he is, all I know is I never want to have to see him again. (When Frigga says he’s not the Thor she knows... I know she meant it differently but that was a mood).

- Also, he never talks about Loki for a second, not a single namedrop, he’s not even alluded to in the present day outside of the audience simply knowing that it’s part of the reason Thor hates Thanos, but it’s vague at best. He outright walks past Loki in his cell without a moment of reaction. Their entire history and bond is treated as nonexistent. Thanks.

- While they were at it the movie also refused to acknowledge anything that Thanos did to Loki pre-New York, which I really didn’t expect but it would have been nice. Best we have is two seconds in IW of Bruce saying that he “sent” him, which really doesn’t do justice to the truth of it. And the thing is... I don’t know that I can even expect the Loki series to address it, either. It’s not present day Loki, which I’m peeved about because I wanted him back, and now we lose all post-Avengers character development, and I lose hope of seeing the one thing I’ve wanted for this character in the 7 years I’ve known and loved him: healing. I’ve only ever wanted to see him get help, figure out his mind, figure out who he wants to be, make progress and get better. Goodness knows that’s all Tom ever talks about wanting for him, too. I doubt that will happen now, given that a) they had Loki peace out with the Tesseract and b) the synopsis was something about him traveling through Earth history and influencing events, both of which tell me we could easily be going down the ‘haha I love stealing the Tesseract and stabbing people at random’ road that I so don’t want to go down, with an added ‘I want to screw up time just because’ for good measure. He’s a trickster, yes, but he didn’t used to be like this, and if this is all they’ll let him be then I lose hope of seeing him allowed to be emotional, or having any of his trauma acknowledged, or being shown to have actual personal motivations and desires outside of mischief, and the hope that he would have a moral code and display a capacity for goodness (yes, Loki has those things) is likely a pipe dream. Tom is my only hope, and knowing how he is with the character, his hands are extremely safe ones to be in and I know that no matter what’s written he’ll do all he can to bring as much truth to Loki as possible, but it still depends on who’s in charge, and unless by miracle it ends up being Kenneth Branagh, I have trust issues. I’m happy he’s alive at all but I’m worried about my boy. I just want him back from the present day, revived from having to be brutally murdered by his torturer, and out of the hands of anyone who’s not going to take care of his character.

- By the way, is “the sun will shine on us again” really just false hope after all that? He was the only optimistic person in the movie and had a suspicious 3+ minute absence where he could have been doing anything, and nothing comes of that? I mean, I’m grateful for the true sacrifice, and I’m glad the Russos know that he would do that (my issue with the scene not being that he uses a dagger, but only that we’re not shown him trying anything else first; I believe he’d do what he did if it was the last possible thing he could attempt, I just wish we’d been shown that that was definitively the case), and that it didn’t lean into the ‘oh he just loves faking his death’ misunderstanding, but I was kinda hoping for a reversal, you know? It wouldn’t change the impact, he still made his choice and it’s still massive for the character, it just... wouldn’t have to be permanent... please I miss my son so much.

- PROFFESOR HULK. I was afraid they’d go down this route, and it seemed more or less confirmed by the time the movie was about to come out. I’m highly uncomfortable with the whole concept, I’ve never liked it in any medium. Bruce was already OOC as well at times, particularly his first scene in the diner, but having him do this pretty much equates to him murdering Hulk. It’s Bruce’s consciousness in Hulk’s body, which kind of kicks out Hulk. Is his mind trapped inside or is he just gone? Either way, there’s clearly no intention of ever reversing this, which ends up still effectively killing Hulk no matter how you go about it. The arc Bruce has been on was supposed to be about him accepting Hulk, and the two of them learning to work together better. Having Bruce decide that he only wants the body is NOT conflict resolution. They acted like it was the best of both worlds, as if Hulk was only ever a secondary body and not an actual separate living personality, which drives me crazy. He was unceremoniously taken out, offscreen, by the same man who gave him life. He deserved better than that, he deserved to live. Now we’ll never see him again. Not a fun day to be a Hulk fan.

- Over-the-top humor where there shouldn’t have been. I love good humor, I’m grateful for relief from angst, and there were some very good funny moments, but there comes a point where it shouldn’t be done, if you can’t do it well and in a way that is not inappropriate for the tone (hint: fat jokes are inappropriate for the tone). Humor abuse is frustratingly growing more and more common, in Marvel and in general.

- Angst for the sake of angst regardless of whether it could have been avoided. I know that much of fiction works like this but still. Stephen could have used the Time Stone on Tony’s injuries to bring him to the moment before it happened, so that he could be saved without undoing the victory. He saved Wong that way, Thanos used the stone on Vision without changing anything else around him, we know it’s possible. Same could have been done for Nat, too. And my sister pointed out that they should have just time traveled to somewhere in that 22-day timespan to get the stones from Thanos before he destroyed them, because they were all together and it would have saved them the time heist and the massive battle. I know the movie would have been over quickly, but seriously, they went to a lot of trouble that they didn’t need to. I like having reasons for why things have to be done or not done a certain way, rather than asking me to ignore the obvious ways out.

- The time travel logic REALLY needed to be explained better. They made a point of contradicting the traditionally accepted time travel rules, and made a minor attempt at explaining how they were choosing to do it, but didn’t make it clear enough to follow. I can’t figure out for the life of me what’s supposed to become of Gamora, or why Nebula killing herself in the past doesn’t kill her in the present, or what in the world happens to personal timelines that have been tampered with (Loki not experiencing TDW and onward, Peggy not having her family, etc), among many other questions. Nothing makes any sense and they left a total mess in their wake. It felt like they were just giving themselves a pass to do whatever they wanted rather than follow any logic.

- On that note: Gamora. As much as I refuse to give up hope for her, it seems to me that they’re not planning on fixing that. The only reason I hadn’t been as panicked for her wellbeing as I could have been was because I figured they couldn’t just leave things that way. I remembered James Gunn once said that Vol 3 could be watched without having seen IW and Endgame, which implied to me that there would be no Guardians deaths that wouldn’t get undone, but now I’m wondering if it’s set before IW or I just misremembered what he said entirely - either way it’s feeling like we’re really just starting over with 2014 Gamora, which is all kinds of messed up to 2018 Gamora. What kind of ending is that? Killed by her abusive kidnapper “father”, and trying to make the audience sympathetic to his pain? That scene was beautifully done, in a sick and twisted way, but it needs to be fixed. I want her back in one piece. She deserved to see the end of Thanos, in her own normal timeline and not in her new one, and move on with her life and her sister and her family. Justice for Gamora.

- Rocket calling Mantis “the chick with the antennae”, as if he wasn’t friends with her for four years. I’m pretending that he was just getting too emotional saying all of their names and decided to distance himself from it, because that’s the only thing that makes sense, unless he’s legitimately having a memory problem in his older age. Rocket is gruff but his team is his family and that includes Mantis.

- Five years later. Why. Please don’t make my kids go through this for five years. You only did this for the Morgan pain, you sadists. You know that’s the only reason you did this, it didn’t need to be five years, why do you like to hurt me—

- In general it just felt like it didn’t live up to the promises Infinity War made? It feels like a completely different event.

- No Dum-E and U at the funeral. Unrealistic, Tony wouldn’t stand to have his bots left out. I know this isn’t important, but it’s important.

Conflicting Feelings

- Less worried about Vision since I know he and Wanda have a show coming and Feige said that the Disney+ shows are post-Endgame, but we don’t know in what capacity he’ll appear. He could be emotionless White Vision, or Wanda could be going House-of-M style and hallucinating him or trying to change reality to keep him, or who knows what else. Hopefully it’s all good. Cautiously optimistic?

- Not sure about Clint becoming a killer. I can buy a mourning family man having that anger in him, and I know Ronin is a comics thing and that historically he can have a bit of a temper at times, but at the same time... it’s Clint. I can’t figure out how I feel about it.

- What Tony did was amazing and everything, but Nebula still should have been the one to kill Thanos.

- Making it five years later makes things very awkward for setting things right. If you were to undo everything, you erase important things that happened in the time since, especially children born (and when they introduced Morgan I knew what path they were taking). It makes sense to bring people back without turning the time back. But the snapped people also miss five years of world developments, five years of their loved ones’ lives, and will now forever be younger than people that they used to be older than. Worse, it won’t undo the damage that was done outside of the snap. People who died in crashes because their drivers or pilots disappeared, people who died on operating tables because their surgeons disappeared, people who committed suicide because they couldn’t live with what happened. Those people are never coming back, unless we pretend that Tony took them into account when he fixed things. It’s just... no matter what way you go about fixing things, it’s uncomfortable for somebody.

- Nat’s death. Conflicted purely because I love her and I want her back. The death was incredibly well done and emotionally impactful and believable for the character and the journey she’s been on all these years. Can’t say enough for how much I loved she and Clint stopping each other back and forth, and how flipping proud I am of her and who she is. I would bring her back in a heartbeat and I’m completely devastated, but I’m so proud. However, where was her funeral?

- Tony... I sooo prepped myself for the wrong Avenger. I’ve been expecting Steve to die for years now, so that’s what I went in thinking would happen, and while I did have my concerns and occasional doubts, I had become like 90% convinced that Tony would be okay because I didn’t think they could actually do it, especially with him having so much to live for. It’s utterly heartbreaking, because we’ve gone through YEARS with him, he’s suffered so much and he’s earned his happy ending a thousand times over, it was owed to him, and to watch him die when happiness was within his grasp... that’s not entertainment anymore, you know? It’s just twisted and sadistic. I can see how it ties things together and wraps up his story, but not in a satisfying way. I wanted nothing more than for him to get to live with his family. If he had to die, the way they did it was amazing, it was beautiful and epic and it meant something, the reactions of Pepper and the others were completely heartbreaking in every horrible way, they used so many callbacks to his previous movies and especially the first one (I am NOT even getting into all of them, holy crap, they murdered me so many times over), it hit in all the right ways and it was all the right kinds of angst, it’s exactly the kind of thing I’d have done if I had to write that... but I didn’t want this. I’m devastated beyond description. I had to watch my sweet boy die with my own two eyes. He built the MCU from the ground up and this is his sendoff. It’s certainly one befitting his character, but that doesn’t mean it’s what he deserved. I want to erase this from my memories. Nothing happened, it’s fine.

- This one is going to sound cruel, but... as much as I don’t want Steve to die, I would have been less dissatisfied if it had been him. He had less to lose, I felt. He never truly felt like he belonged in the 21st century, he always struggled to figure himself and his place in life out, never seemed very comfortable in his own skin. It would have made sense for him to be the one to make the sacrifice. I could have accepted him achieving his personal peace in reuniting with the loved ones he’s lost, he’d get so much of his life back even if it had to be in the next one.

- On the Steve note, I love him and Peggy as much as the next person, truly truly truly, but... she had a family, she had an entire life. The Russos claim that the family still exists, but because none of this timeline stuff was made clear, it just feels like Steve erased her whole history so he could be with her and it honestly came across as uncharacteristically selfish of him. Yes, he deserves happiness as much as any of the Avengers, and believe me, I was sobbing watching them finally get their dance. Part of me is happy and satisfied. But... it doesn’t feel right. Not him messing with her life, not him going through all of those decades knowing what was happening to Bucky and doing nothing, not any of it. Obviously I know he struggled to move on, I mentioned that above, but he DID create a family and he had friends and people he loved, and he just left them. It doesn’t sit well. It gets worse when you factor Sharon into it, because for one thing, she’d now be his grand-niece and he’d have to live with the knowledge that he’s kissed her, and for another, talk about one last kick to the dead horse that was any hope of Sharon being allowed an ounce of good treatment from the MCU. There was a draft of IW where she and Steve were trying to live in an apartment together, that kind of seals the deal that they were attempting a relationship, and yet... not one bit of consideration for her. I’ve never even shipped the two together, but I care about Sharon and she has been done SO dirty, I feel so bad. I wish I could be happy about Steve and Peggy’s happy ending without so many things hanging uncomfortably overhead.

Good

- Got to watch Thanos die twice.

- Got to watch Tony and Nebula play table football.

- Clint has finally returned to me!!!

- So many good character interactions with emotional depth and people truly being friends. Eating sandwiches and laying around brainstorming. Steve and Natasha is always a favorite. Nat and Clint absolutely destroyed me, I love how they are as close as is humanly possible without crossing the romantic threshold (pretty similar to her with Steve, come to think of it). I loved Tony and Nebula’s relationship, and her scenes with Rhodey were meaningful. She and Rocket holding hands, my heart. Some good Rhodey and Carol content in there. Very nice to see Scott interact with people more properly than he got to in CW, and to see the Guardian survivors dealing with their Earth friends (I am never getting over Nat receiving emails from Rocket). That Clint and Wanda moment got me. Also just... so nice to see Clint even exist to interact with anyone at all, frankly. And I finally started to believe Steve and Tony as friends in this canon. A little.

- Generally just emotional about all of my babies.

- MARRIED PEPPERONY. WITH A CHILD. PRECIOUS FATHER TONY STARK. ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN. I CAN’T GET INTO THIS. IT’S TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART. I HAVE TO LEAVE IT AT THAT.

- Gamora and Nebula being sisters!

- Harley! This wasn’t how I wanted to see him again, but Harley!

- A few seconds of light of my life Janet van Dyne!

- And Hank! Present day AND amazing 70s flashback hair with that beautiful classic Ant-Man helmet that would have been completely impractical function-wise but that I love and appreciate seeing!

- Scott and Cassie killed me. Anything Ant-Man related killed me. I have so many questions about what happened to people. What was Cassie’s living situation like? Are Maggie and Paxton okay? Luis? Kurt and Dave? I hope Ava did get snapped, actually, for her own sake considering she needed the particles to live and she wouldn’t have been getting them, and I don’t want Bill to be without her so hopefully they went together and can come back together.

- Carol. Just Carol.

- Rocket is always a delight.

- Again with the Budapest baiting! I want to know!

- Loved seeing the Ancient One! A breath of fresh air in a rollercoaster of breathlessness.

- The bit with Peter Quill on Morag made me smile so big. Loved the bonus shot of him singing along badly when we can’t hear the song. I needed that bit of happiness. Plus, GotG is one of the only ones I never ended up seeing when it was still in theaters, so it was great to be able to experience at least that part on the big screen.

- Man, going back to 2012 made me miss those days so hard.

- Appreciated the Winter Soldier references and appearances.

- Steve knowing he could disarm himself just by mentioning Bucky, my heart!

- Edwin Jarvis, my love! I can’t believe they incorporated one of the shows into one of the movies!

- Tony with Howard was so emotional. I know a lot of people hate Howard, and I get why, but I’ve always enjoyed seeing him, and I’m grateful that Tony has been able to really get closure in regards to his relationship with his father. It doesn’t change the negligence, but it’s important that Tony be able to be in a good place, I’m happy he’s healing. He made my heart turn mush during that sequence.

- WHEN STEVE WAS STANDING ON HIS OWN AGAINST THANOS AND HIS ENTIRE ARMY. POWERFUL.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU HEAR SAM’S VOICE AND “ON YOUR LEFT” AND YOU CRY.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU SEE A PORTAL OPENING AND YOU SCREAM BECAUSE LIGHT OF YOUR LIFE STEPHEN VINCENT STRANGE IS ALIVE.

- AND SUDDENLY YOUR WAKANDAN BABIES ARE BACK AND YOUR CHEST SWELLS.

- AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED IS ALL THERE AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL POWERFUL ENSEMBLE AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEEDED.

- AND AVENGERS ASSEMBLE. FINALLY.

- AND PEPPER COMES IN THE RESCUE ARMOR THAT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE 2013 AND SHE AND TONY ARE A BACK-TO-BACK POWER COUPLE.

- AND TONY AND PETER REUNITE AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

- AND STEPHEN IS MOSES AND IT’S AMAZING.

- AND WANDA IS READY TO FLIPPING OBLITERATE THANOS AND START UNLEASHING SOME CHAOS MAGIC AND YOU’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

- AND CAROL IS WRECKING THANOS’S SHIPS AND YOU’RE LAUGHING WITH GLEE.

- AND ALL OF THE WOMEN GATHER PROTECTIVELY AROUND PETER AND YOU’VE NEVER RELATED TO ANY OF THEM MORE AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S CONTRIVED THAT IT’S CONVENIENTLY ALL OF THE WOMEN BECAUSE THIS IS WAY TOO AWESOME OF A SHOT TO NITPICK.

- AND SCOTT AND HOPE ARE ADORABLE AND PERFECT.

- AND GAMORA DOESN’T KNOW PETER AND YOU CRY.

- AND STEVE IS WIELDING MJOLNIR AND YOU’RE SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT, WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY!!!!!

- AND YOU KEEP SCREAMING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BATTLE BECAUSE IT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

- I’M STILL LIVING ON THAT HIGH IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL!!!

- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- And then just. Stephen lifts a finger. And you know.

- “I. Am. Iron Man.”

- Honestly thought he was going to say ‘invincible’ as a shout-out to his comic adjective but the full circle is way better and I’m a wreck. All hail Anthony Edward Stark.

- Watching Thanos turn to dust is very, very satisfying.

- For all of the years they teased Bucky!Cap, you’d think I’d be a bit put out that we’re not getting it, but honestly? Sam!Cap is a better fit, I think. Bucky needs rest, he deserves to not have to fight anymore. Sam has the skills and personality of a good leader, setting a moral example you want to follow, he embodies what it means and what it takes to be Captain America. He’s gonna be awesome at it.

- Peter and Ned reuniting at school! Babies!

- Happy’s general presence just made me weepy, I love him and we owe Jon Favreau everything.

- Erik Selvig on a screen! Why he was listed as deceased when there’s a (supposedly?) canon tie-in book that features him very much alive, I have no idea, but seeing him made me smile nonetheless.

- Seeing 2012 Thor again made me SO happy you have NO idea holy crap.

- Just seeing Loki again at all. Mimicking Steve, being snarky, waving goodbye to Hulk in the elevator. I’m happy to accept that little bit as canon, because it was actually good. It was what I needed to soothe my soul. I miss you, my beautiful sassmaster child. Come back to me.

- And Loki in the cell. That was always one of my favorite shots anyway, but just... such a breath of air. To see Loki on the big screen again, and not just that, but to specifically get a Dark World clip? I feel alive.

- The fact that Dark World is even being acknowledged as having existed is greatly pleasing to me, let alone being treated to seeing some of it again. Those were the freaking days, man.

- SEEING ASGARD AGAIN MADE ME SOB. MY TEARS WERE NOT PRETTY, BUT ASGARD SURE WAS. I MISS YOU, ASGARD.

- JANE FREAKING FOSTER. MY GIRL. I HOPED SHE’D SHOW BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO EXPECT ANYTHING BUT OH MY WORD DID I CRY. I CRIED SO HARD. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE HER AGAIN AFTER SO LONG. IT’S BEEN SO FLIPPING LONG BUT MY GIRL IS FINALLY REMEMBERED. HER DELETED SCENE WAKING UP IN THE ROOM ACTUALLY GOT USAGE YEARS LATER. AND JUST. NEW JANE. NEW JANE MATERIAL. ALL SHE DID WAS ASK FOR PANTS BUT I’LL TAKE IT. EVERY SECOND WAS A TREASURE. I MISSED YOU JANE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. COME BACK TO ME. WRITERS PLEASE BRING HER BACK. I NEED TO SEE HER GET TO USE HER SMARTS AGAIN. I MISS MY GENIUS BABY GIRL.

- FRIGGA. WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL APPLE OF MY EYE ALLMOTHER FRIGGA. I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GOOD IT WAS TO SEE HER. AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IN ALL HER AMAZING FRIGGA GLORY. MY QUEEN. I MISSED HER SO FLIPPING MUCH. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NEW FRIGGA CONTENT. SHE WAS SO PERFECTLY HERSELF. I CHERISHED EVERY MOMENT. TALKING ABOUT SENDING LOKI SOME SOUP AND SOME BOOKS BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. SEEING RIGHT THROUGH FUTURE THOR BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. I’M SO GLAD SHE WAS SHOWN TO BE IMPORTANT TO THOR BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS THE LEAST DEVELOPED DYNAMIC OF THE FAMILY AND ALL OF THEIR SCENES ARE CUT. SHE WAS RAISED BY WITCHES AND NOW I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT. ALWAYS SO GENTLE AND CARING TOWARDS HER SONS. ALWAYS SO PERCEPTIVE. HER BEAUTIFUL AMAZING FRIGGA SMILE. WAVING AT ROCKET. THE WAY SHE TALKS. THE WAY SHE SAVED THE SCENE AND MY SANITY. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE’S PERFECT. I NEED HER BACK ALREADY. SHE CAN NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. SHE MADE THIS TORTURE BEARABLE AND I MISS HER AGAIN ALREADY.

- ALL THE THINGS RELATED TO GETTING MY OLD THOR WORLD BACK ARE VERY OBVIOUSLY MY FAVORITE PARTS THAT MADE ME HAPPIER THAN I COULD POSSIBLY BEGIN TO DESCRIBE AND I AM GOING TO BE LIVING OFF OF THIS VICTORY FOREVER.

Conclusion

The things I don’t like aren’t canon and everyone is totally fine and nothing is wrong at all. I’m taking the good stuff and running away with it and doing whatever I want with it to turn it all into the best possible version in my head. The end.