#“depression can take my will to live. It can have my energy. But my horny? Fuck off.” So true bestie

[prettyblondguys]

hiiii😊 pretend I didn't randomly dip without warning lmao

[my-hearts-ink]

⚠ ...... Long boring bio alert....... ⚠

I've been here before, though my past is past for a reason, if you knew my words great, if not.. just as great.

M - 47 - Virgo ♍- Snake 🐍

Be over 18 I don't need you here otherwise, this site is not for you

I will be adding /editing this as a live document as I choose.

I am awkward, shaped by trauma, I am wired to be too intense at times, I remember... everything... I log... everything in my mind I take in. Most times it just means good at details, other times a red flag pops up, gnaws at me, it gets priority from the archives to the active thought room, even worse gets sole focus dedicated thought status and then my I mind will react accordingly.

I often do lot like myself, this is vulnerable here, so be nice or just leave, I tend to attach emotionally to things, I love hard, I can be too much for many, jealousy is very much a monster that I daily stab and burn back into it's cage, but it does get out and it's lethal. I am protective, loyal, I can cut and crave to be cut at times. I wear my heart on my sleeve though in life and career it is quite not ideal.

My mind is always moving, unless the right music or sexual release, it does not ever stop, it often fills, presses, railroads into a swirling uncontrolled tornado that often creates insomnia, anxiety attacks and awkward interactions.

Music is my air. Most genres, always desiring to explore.

I absolutely love to read poetry... good/bad... to see the unique way words are crafted, letters arranged significant to you. I will heart a lot of poetry, doesn't mean I feel the same or always agree with message or viewpoint, but it is art, and art is meant to make you think.

I worship nature in every form, sunrises, sunsets, clouds, wind,, trees, flowers, animals, water, sky, stars.

The moon will always be a love, one that soothes my soul, moves me, a Selenophile through and through.

Storms, lightning, thunder rain, dreary days, overcast skies.... My absolute favorite.

I find abandoned things and shipwrecks fascinating, treasures to one, trash to another. Emotions and memories attached to something forgotten. Chaos in a world we try to control and no matter how hard we try we submit to her power and nature can and does reclaim.

Animals are incredible, wolves and Ravens are my loves. Everything about them draws me.

I find beauty in the simple things in life as it fills my days with joy, if I can see a dog anywhere, being walked, running in a yard, sleeping in the shade, riding in a car... to have that moment to be as free as a child and proclaim... dog dog! Makes my day.

I love the tinkering with tools, the art of working on projects and cars. I may not often have the nicest tool, but if I have a project or task that needs a certain one, I aquire, I learn and I grow. It relaxes me to work with my hands.

I write about love and loss, I have had plenty of both in my life. My writes pull from my emotions now,experiences in time from the past, feelings from dream and wake. Sometimes just a combination. Sometimes it's just an exercise of words to an emotion, so yeah please don't think I'm depressed or horny or unloved or in love or whatever the read.... It's an emotion from a place in my life at one time either directly described or artistic essence vaguely used.

Women by nature is art, the female form in all stages, I find age and life experiences sexy, not a downfall. Wrinkles, scars and changes tell a story about life, one worth learning.

I crave all things intimate, real displays of emotion, hands, the vulnerability and trust of submission, the shape of a neck, a person's unique eyes, how a mind is wired.

I find the erotic side of life heart pounding, sexual energy flows through everything in life. Definitely a quit study I readily absorb.

I am NOT interested in romance, my heart has its love

More to come.

[manicpixiedckgirl]

okay, so i posted a timeline. sue me! i quit all other social media last year and needed that dopamine hit. just a lil nicotine patch for online attention. seasonal depression is a bitch okay. i posted it here and to ig, bc ig is to late millennials what facebook is boomers. and people have all said some very nice things, but when you're posting a 10 year timeline, you're usually hoping for someone from your past to see it and go "woah! you're so different now"!

and whaddya know, this time it worked. one of my exes from when i was a teenager saw it. not one of the ones who turned out to be a lesbian, one of the ones who turned out to be a trans man. He just wanted to say hi - that he was so happy to see that i looked happy, and that i looked incredible, especially compared to the scruffy twink they had dated. (okay those are my words not his)

he and I didn’t have a great relationship at first - no one had a great relationship with me before i realized i was a trans woman obviously, but this was pretty young. I was really repressed and weird back then, and still very much without any social graces, and we were only like 16. they caught the full broadside of my emo fuckboy energy and got out fast once they saw that - i don’t blame them. I was crying in their arms about how much i hated my new body hair, and how i wanted to be able to wear dresses, and the next day i’d be completely emotionally unavailable and denying all of it. not exactly boyfriend material, not entirely boyfriend. They were very traumatized too in their own way, just realizing they were trans too, and engaging in a lot of ‘i want to be a gay man’ antics, fucking their way through the pain. He was frankly way too cool and sexually liberated to be wasting his time with that version of me. And it was very obvious to everyone who knew what that was 12-15 years ago that i was a closeted trans girl. we had a friend group that eventually fell apart, and we parted for the first time.

Later, in our late teens/20, we would end up fucking - i had started to accept and announce that my gender was complicated, and i was starting to be kinda faggy and loud about it, and not everyone hated that, and they had just started T and were boy horny. We split a bottle of wine (or was it two? It was probably two) and started watching an ashley tisdale movie. Looking back on it, how it went must definitely have been his plan, but i’ve always been blind about this stuff and was that night. It was definitely bad sex, but it was also fun sex - the first time I enjoyed myself,  and the pressure of having to be a guy wasn’t so overwhelming i didnt effectively black out. he’s one of the first people i ever talked to about feeling complicated about gender, and i think by then he had figured me out, and was just letting me get the rest of the way on my own. I still couldn’t top for him, i never rly could top for anyone, even before estrogen. but we still had fun, with our hands and with our mouths. and then after that, we'd go to art shows and poetry readings and hang out again occasionally, like we talked about doing when we were literal kids, putting on rocky horror in our front rooms.

but life takes you away from people, and he got into film school, and i somehow graduated my chemistry program and moved to the US. he moved to Germany for a while, although i hear he's back home. i got married, got separated, there was a global pandemic. we hadn't talked in years, although i had snooped on him once or twice. He’s a director now - he’s made some impressive arthouse films, all horror and gender and kitchy campy cerebral themes. He’s got a big tv writing credit on the way in irish tv. Idk - it felt rly good to impress him, to say hi, to remember. it's really cool to see other trans people thriving and living life, always. anyone who cleaves reality to themselves and fashions themselves into someone they can love is someone who impresses me. but it's different when it's someone you've known for almost half your life - someone you were a fucked up kid with, not sure if either of you would make it to 18. and to be smiling at each other, looking at 30, and wondering what's next. i'm really proud of the both of us actually. and i needed that today.

[softpine]

.

AWWW 🥺 i have my complaints about that trailer sadly but i love that you thought of me omg 💖💖💖

he will still be depressed! he has severe clinical depression 😭 this is a common misconception so you're definitely not the only one who thinks this way, but i want to make it very clear that he does have a chemical imbalance that causes depression, and everything else going on in his life just piles on top of that to cause more distress (in fact, ghosts tend to gravitate towards strong emotions, so the more depressed asa feels, the more ghosts he has to deal with). so he will likely be in a better mindset when finn returns, but depression is still a lifelong struggle for him :(

it sucks but she just cares about him a lot :( they all do, in different ways. she genuinely believes the others are making things worse for him. also, until now, asa has never WANTED his parents to know about the ghosts/time travel stuff. he's kept it secret because he wants to minimize conflict, but sadly it's only created more...

@peacheulle ahh i know she has such a cool mom vibe

:D :D :D

wait hold on what is a bikini shop fjksjds like a place that sells bikinis? if so yeah tom is going in there and acting like a fool for sure and casper is hiding in the corner pretending he doesn't know him

elaine is the most open minded to trying new flavors! she likes everything from black coffee to limited edition holiday drinks to tea at home. asa drinks black coffee or just with a dash of almond milk (he gets that from caroline and beth, who both like black coffee too). stevie and jada both like iced coffee with all the fixins. elaine would pick up all their coffees before school sometimes ;-; mikaela, being a nurse, drinks the most caffeine of anyone, and she'll take it however she can get it (but she loooves creamer). danny mostly drinks decaf because he likes the taste but he gets jittery. casper is an energy drink kinda guy

thank you!! i did :3 actually fixed my sleep schedule and everything (knock on wood)

@tau1tvec ooh thank you!! 💖

the coolest thing i'm doing right now is crocheting blankets to sell at craft shows to raise money for a local wildlife rehabilitation center!

i have only 2 chickens, a rooster and a hen, and they're like an old married couple. they just turned 9 and ginger is still laying eggs!!

horror movies scare me so much they give me literal nightmares but i like watching them anyway

lmaooo don't worry they've passed that point in their lives. their relationship still isn't perfect but they've come to the realization that they love each other too much to give up now 😌

lmaoo i feel like i've shown them drunk kind of a lot. alcohol isn't just a conversation greaser in real life, it also works in fiction fjkjdsj i was sort of using it as a crutch for whenever i wanted a character to admit/do something they normally wouldn't. it's a useful tool, but i was using it way too much so i had to reign myself in a bit. but it really just depends on the vibe and everyone's mood!! in general i would say caroline is a goofy loud drunk, beth gets pleasantly sleepy & calm, danny and mikaela both get wicked horny lmao, casper gets chatty and less reserved (he and tom get up to some crazy stuff when they're on a night out), coco almost never drinks but she really doesn't act different when she does, asa's meds make him a superrrr lightweight which we've seen. we've seen stevie drinking but she was going through a breakup so i don't count that as typical behavior - normally she and elaine are the ones going to the bathroom to cry about how much they love each other sjfkjsd and jada hasn't been drunk before!

i actually listed out some of the fandoms i think they'd be in if it was relevant to the story but i cannot for the life of me find it 😭😭 tumblr's search function is so beyond ass.... when i find it, i'll reblog it for you!!

ahhh tbh you probably haven't missed much on the casper front, he's been taking a back seat for a little bit. i miss him too 😭

ooh okay i know i mentioned awhile ago that stevie loves music festivals; she loves the energy, being outdoors, getting to see so many artists at once, etc. and that elaine has been to a few, but she wasn't really a fan. she does like regular concerts though!! i may not like taylor swift myself but elaine would kill to go to the eras tour lmao, that would make her entire life. asa and casper (maybe sadie too now that she's older) have definitely been to some of danny's concerts. casper would like to be in the crowd with everyone else, but asa probably hung out backstage somewhere private. jada would hate everyyy part of a concert, and she's not a huge music fan anyway

if they hadn't had kids so young, i think caroline, danny, beth, and even mikaela would've LIVED for concerts. we know they all liked to party in high school, and that was before they could even do half the shit they were doing legally lmao (and before they had jobs that could actually fund those activities)

@minamill thank you for thinking of me ;-; 💖💖

i can't remember if i answered this or not omg but true now i can't unsee it jfkjsd

[thusspoketrish]

top five books !!

Hi there!

Thank you so much for your ask x

This was so hard to narrow down. But here we go, haha. This also ended up a bit longer than I intended. Whoops!

My Top 5 Books: 

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin. My God. Where do I begin with this painfully beautiful exploration of sexuality, identity, yearning, forbidden desire, repression, and grief all done in 159 pages?

Baldwin is a genius, my favorite writer of all time, and a true inspiration to me. He captured the dredges of the human psyche in this novel (in all of his novels, really) with such brutal honesty that smoothly oscillates between clean cut, surgical clarity and an achingly elegant beat of poetic prose. I first read the book at 17. I have reread it countless times since.

As a writer, I am so deeply touched by and indebted to Giovanni’s Room, the literary prowess of James Baldwin, and the impact his writing has had on me throughout my life.

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid. A relevant story on the perils of performative wokeness and classism as it feeds into casual racism/microaggressions, toxic relationships, and misogynoir. The protagonist is a young black nanny named Emira who is wrongfully accused of kidnapping the white child she’s babysitting by a security guard at a grocery store.

This book is the embodiment of the saying: “the most disrespected person in America is the black woman.” Emira is tried and tested at every turn, stuck in a cycle of devaluation and outright dismissal of her time, her energy, and her intelligence. Despite all the chaos, she’s not to be played with, and she circumvents the harmful stereotype of the “strong black woman.” Instead of having to strictly endure the pain and negativity thrown at her with complete stoicism, she allows herself the space to be vulnerable, to explore her self-doubts, and to process the impact the grocery incident had on her.

Black women can be soft, too, blue, too, and that's absolutely okay. This is so important to see represented in media, in literature, and in life.

Ways of Seeing by John Berger. There are a number of texts that dismantle elitism, the male gaze, and highlight the importance of historical, social, and cultural context to truly understand art, but Berger does it in a way that is accessible and timeless.

His work has always been a staple in my own research and institutional critiques on the inaccessibility of the art world, the austerity of museum spaces and practice, and the continued exclusion and mishandling of marginalized narratives within our canonical understanding of modern and contemporary art.

(Pssst…Outside of Berger, let me turn you on to performance artist Andrea Fraser, whose institutional critiques are hilarious, unapologetic, and without fail a gloriously biting commentary on the absurdity of the art world and our obsession with its lusty commodification and pretentiousness. Little Frank and His Carp (2011) is still a performance that lives rent free in my head.)

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This book holds sentimental value for me. It was one of my dad’s favorites, and he loved the 1974 film adaptation.

What’s not to love about this American classic that captures nostalgia in such a poignant way? We also have the glitz and glamour of the Roaring 20s, the socialites, fake identities/personalities, obsession, unrequited love, broken dreams and promises, and murder.

And it’s all depicted in such a lush and beautiful way that it takes you almost by surprise when you finally realize just how terrifyingly cold and empty this world that Fitzgerald crafted for us is. Love it!

The Trial by Franz Kafka. No one portrays absurdism, existentialism, loneliness, and depressed but horny unreliable narrators quite like Kafka! He is a master at building dread and confusion while disorienting his imperfect protagonists (and his readers) by dropping us in the middle of harrowing situations.

I’m a huge fan of his work, and it’s hard to narrow down my appreciation of it to just one book for this list, but The Trial has to be my absolute favorite. I am a sucker for witnessing the moral flailing of somewhat problematic protagonists. K’s arrogance and superiority, tempered by his utter helplessness and increasing instability against the metaphysical force of the Law, make him an instant favorite character of mine. He struggles against a tyrannical bureaucratic system hellbent on stripping away his autonomy by trapping in the ambiguity of an inexplicable hell. K never learns of the crime he's being accused of and neither do we as the reader.

The book satisfies my love for a critique of flawed judicial systems, while also exploring the impact of paranoia, isolation, and existential dread, all wrapped up in the tension of a psychological horror/thriller. I also love a story that comes full circle at the end, even if it is abrupt, tragic, and maybe even meaningless, despite K.'s desperation to find meaning within the absurd.

Ask me my "TOP 5/TOP 10" anything!

[liltaz-asatreat]

I posted 2,958 times in 2022

That's 2,010 more posts than 2021!

670 posts created (23%)

2,288 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@/idkanameatall

@/barry-j-blupjeans

@/holdmecloser-gandydancer

@/institute-of-planar-shitposts

@/taakosleftshoe

I tagged 2,458 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#taz balance - 840 posts

#taz ethersea - 552 posts

#taz - 517 posts

#taz ethersea spoilers - 419 posts

#fav - 356 posts

#taz fanfic - 326 posts

#taz art - 313 posts

#lup - 292 posts

#taako - 284 posts

#barry bluejeans - 220 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i'll reblog this to both blogs because i think i have more followers who listen to tma on my main and you should be recognized for this 💜

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Just had a depressing thought

How the hell did Lucretia not lose her God damn mind between the time she erased everyone's memory and sent them on their way to starting the Bureau of Balance and even beyond that? Like, I lived in a small house with 9 other people for a good few years, and when I went to college and moved into the dorms there, one of the things I had the hardest time dealing with was the utter silence I was left in. My roommate moved into the dorm late because of rooming and organizational issues on the university's part, and then her mom didn't want to pay for her to stay in the dorm in the second semester, and they didn't move anyone else in with me. Among the many other issues I was having, the silence and loneliness was crippling in a really major way, and I had friends I was with at every chance I got to be with them. It was the most social year I had ever had, and I was still hardcore struggling with the fact that I had to go home to no one.

Lucretia didn't even have anyone to hang out with or talk to at all ever until she met Maureen and Lucas and started the Bureau. And even with having as many people on the base as she did, she still had to go home to no one. I just about lost my God damn mind in my situation, how. The fuck. Did she do it??? And for 10-12 years????

469 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

#4

One of my favorite meta things about the Stolen Century is how Griffin really thought he could cover 100 years of backstory in two episodes lmfao Like, as someone with ADHD, I understand how hard it is to figure out how long something is going to take, and I underestimate how long I'm going to need to do tasks and finish projects all of the time, but like, even if he wasn't expecting to get as deep with it as they ended up doing, the absolute confidence he had going in that he could cover 100 years in 2 hours, like, king there was no way but I admire how over confident you were about that lmao

484 notes - Posted May 13, 2022

#3

Angus really did have a big day on the Day of Story and Song. Like, first the Director had some shady shit going on with the Relic disposal chamber, then a strange man hops out of Taako's bag whom Taako and Merle claim said the Bureau is bad, then there's the discovery of the baby voidfish, then the Director has guards take them to a room where she is kneeling over the balls that had contained the Relics and is channeling energy out of the undestroyed bell into her staff, then she talks mad shit about coming from another reality with tres horny bois, the guy whose name is Barry, and some person named Lup who is dead(?) while Taako and Merle are trying to keep their heads from exploding, then Davenport can actually talk and was captain of this past mission this whole time, then Magnus comes barging in and he can see the absolute chaos of the apocalypse outside, so he tries to barracade the door while the others are going down memory lane, then the others start debating about leaving everyone to the forces outside versus putting up a shield that would still end up destroying the world in a manner that suggests they've had this argument exhaustively before, then they get attacked and BOOM a lich comes out of Taako's umbrella who is apparently Lup who is apparently his sister, then Lucretia disappears and Davenport wants him to help find her even though he still has no clear idea of what the fuck is happening, then he hears the story and song and suddenly gains the knowledge of their 100 year journey and the impending end of the world, then he meets up with the others again when he and Davenport can't find her only to find Lucas is also not dead, then Lucretia turns up, a crystal shows them a possible future, and Taako knew the answer to save everything all along, then he's expected to help fight against a world ending evil force, and then FINALLY they defeat the Hunger, and he's got time to process the absolute wild day he just had.

And just like, I feel like probably around the time he found out Lucas was still alive he was just like:

560 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

#2

Balance: Don't split up the party or you will die

Amnesty: Splitting up the party is tentatively okay depending on what you're doing except it did, in fact, get someone killed

Graduation: We're going to refuse to split up as much as possible because we're best buds

Ethersea: If we don't split up and do wild ass stunts before somehow reconvening back at the ship then what even is the fucking point

1,362 notes - Posted April 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

What I like about the scene where Magnus spins mind in Wonderland is that Griffin chose the lesser of two evils because it would have been really fucked to make him choose whether or not he forgets Julia which most definitely would have resulted in a no and forced them to take another two spins without much deliberation, but I think it also paints an interesting picture in-game of the characterization of Lydia and Edward. They believed that love wasn't a strong enough force to sustain them anymore and that it wasn't as important, and I think that's also reflected in how they thought the worst memory to take from him would be the person who caused his suffering and not the person he loves. Because to them, suffering is more important now, and it's how they sustain themselves, so why wouldn't it be the thing sustaining him too?

1,603 notes - Posted March 23, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[optimusxmello]

friendship communication can be endless talking about your lives and shit, but it can also very much be a long ass string of seeing things you think your friends find funny or sexy or interesting and sending it to them.

oh hey, it's a new pic of your favorite blorbo. Or hey, this is your favorite gif of your blorbo, it came across my dash again so I am sending it to you for some daily happy chemicals because I care for you.

it's seeing something fucked up and knowing it's the sort of fucked up your friend enjoys and you send it to them

it's the right kind of horny you know will get your friends horny and you want them to have pleasure bc friends can give friends pleasure without it being weird

all it takes...is seeing something that reminds you of ANY faction of your friend and sending it to them to complete the friendship aspect of communication. words are nice additives but literally just send anything and it's all hearts and smiles because someone sent me something that they thought of me when they saw it!

bc if I keep being the one to ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS send things in first...I don't think we're friends anymore because my anxiety will tell me it's all a parasocial one-sided relationship kinda thing now. and you're a genuinely nice person but that doesn't mean we're friends. you being nice to me when I reach out to you is just like interacting with a stranger anywhere social etiquette is required and again doesn't not equate to friendship when it all feels so one sided.

I saw a post about someone commenting on the whole 'stop reaching out first and see how many friends are really your friends' and their take being that some people are just really bad at it and to forgive them.

and sure, they're forgiven but they fall from being recognized as friends. this is a site full of people who are used to being tolerated, who are forced to feel like intruders when teachers and parents forced us into groups where we were talked over and ignored but still forced to be there[VERY AWARE OF BEING UNWANTED]. are they genuinely happily engaging because they miss me? Or are they just naturally good socializers and can go with the flow? And if they've missed us as much as implied with so much energy...why is it so hard to reach out first every once in a while?

Like I get that you're defending...but as someone on the other side who has to build up spoons to reach out first and with each time feeling more and more like a bother and a burden because I am the one who keeps reaching out first...it's very draining! And then if the other person "isn't the best at keeping the conversation going" it falls on to me to keep it going? You can see how it sounds as if they find us annoying right? How they don't want us and only tolerate us?And how it's horribly depressing and sad but so much easier to just stop giving when you're not getting.

[silverlightqueen]

Her 🦋

‘I could go up out to outer space with her, all I need is one more day with her.’

Phases - Hwang Hyunjin X Chase Atlantic

Rating: M (heavy angst and suggestive content)

Warnings: discussion of suicidal thoughts and severe depression, childhood trauma (absent father, daddy issues), discussion of sex, discussion and use of drugs, substance abuse/addiction and alcoholism, extremely toxic relationship, emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, fwb, sexting and sending nudes

Word Count: 4.6k+

a/n: and here is the second part of phases, my hhjxchaseatlantic series! please proceed with caution bc this fic is very heavy and touches on some very sensitive and serious topics. I really hope you guys enjoy this, lmk what you think and hmu if you wanna be on the taglist! the biggest thank you to the loml @silverlightprincess for proofreading this and bigging it up so much lmao I love you sis! x

taglist 🦋: @diue​ @shesfuckedinthehead​ @danyxthirstae01​ @linours​ @titleisyettobemade​ @jikooksgirl19​ @silverlightprincess​

A loud ping from Hyunjin’s phone resonates in the hazy room, the other boys exchanging knowing glances, and he ignores the way his hands itch to reach into his pocket and see if it’s her. ‘Aren’t you gonna check that?’ Changbin asks, fingers fumbling as he tries to roll yet another joint. Hyunjin’s surprised the other boy can even see straight, let alone roll a joint, but he manages it. It’s not his best work, but it’ll do.

They’re sat in the private bar on the top floor of Changbin’s dad’s hotel on the outskirts of the city, surrounded by windows that overlook the skyline. None of them have particularly well-paying jobs – they have more than enough to live, but they splash it all on drugs and drink and fast cars and pretty girls who want Fendi bags, but thanks to Changbin’s dad, lavish nights filled with the oldest alcohol and the best weed are a regular. Changbin’s dad helps fund this lifestyle and they can’t be grateful enough towards him for it.

‘It won’t be urgent,’ Hyunjin says offhandedly, but he feels his skin lighting up with energy. It’s like nothing else is allowed to exist in his mind or body when he thinks of her – she pushes away everything else, even the marijuana mist that hangs in a heavy cloud over his mind. He’s already beginning to sober up, his senses alert and tuned into her. She’s not even here, and she’s all he can feel.

‘What if it’s your girl?’ Chan teases, dimples denting his cheeks as he hands Changbin the lighter. ‘She’s not my girl,’ Hyunjin replies mildly, the boys all looking amused. ‘Then why’d you go running whenever she texts you?’ Minho asks, gentle laughter running around the room, and Hyunjin pushes down the shame, rolling his eyes and curling his lips at the corners, trying to seem nonchalant.

‘He doesn’t go running. He leaves her waiting like a dick,’ Jeongin says, Hyunjin flipping him off half-heartedly. ‘As he should. She ain’t shit,’ Jisung says with a grin. ‘You say that, but you’d go running if it was you she was texting,’ Seungmin grins at Jisung, the latter nodding instantly. ‘Of course I would. I’m not a fucking idiot. I just feel sorry for him. They’ve been fucking around for years and she still hasn’t caught feelings like all other girls do. If there aren’t any feelings involved, it gets boring,’ Jisung says, not realising how his words feel like weapons to Hyunjin.

‘Are you fucking crazy? It’s way better without feelings. It gets messy with feelings,’ Minho says as Chan passes him the joint, fresh smoke already beginning to blur the room, and Hyunjin nods. ‘Exactly. The only reason we’ve been fucking around for so long is because there aren’t any feelings. That’s why we work so well,’ Hyunjin lies, his phone pinging again.

‘Well, I admire you. I’d have caught feelings for her by now,’ Felix says candidly, the other boys bursting into laughter. ‘Don’t laugh! You lot would’ve caught feelings for her too!’ he says defensively, raising his voice over the laughter. ‘Yeah, I definitely would have. I think I’d have wifed her by now,’ Changbin grins, and Hyunjin feels the jealously bubbling up inside him. He hates it when they talk about her. She might not be his, but she’s more his than she is theirs. They have no right to talk about her like that.

‘Yeah, but how do you wife a girl that doesn’t wanna be wifed?’ Chan asks, all of the boys letting out noises of agreement. ‘True. She’s actually living the life. Always decked out in designer, dick from Mr Handsome, free drugs from his friends, boujee apartment in the city, sexy group of friends and an easy ass ‘working from home’ job,’ Jisung says, sounding jealous, and all the boys start laughing again. ‘She really is. I’d swap lives with her, no hesitation,’ Seungmin says, more laughing filling the room.

‘Check your phone then, Mr Handsome,’ Felix nudges Hyunjin, and the boy lets out a little sigh, taking his time as he gets his phone out of his pocket. Her name is on the screen, no emojis and pet names or anything. Just her name. She’s sent him two texts, and he tries to hide his eagerness as he unlocks his phone to see them.

come see me when you’re done with the boys

give them my love and bring me some molly pls xo

‘Wow. Not her trying to emotionally manipulate the guys into giving her molly,’ Felix laughs quietly, looking at Hyunjin’s screen, and Hyunjin can’t help but laugh too. She’s one of a kind. ‘She sends her love to you guys,’ Hyunjin says, knowing he won’t even have to ask for the molly. They’ll offer it, like they always do. She’s got them all wrapped around her finger.

‘She’s cute. We should link soon,’ Chan says, handing the joint to Jisung and punching him gently when he nearly drops it. ‘Yeah, the same thing happens every time we link. We get a booth in a club, last for about ten minutes before they kick us out for doing lines, and then those two disappear to fuck and abandon the rest of us,’ Minho says drily, motioning to Hyunjin, who’s busy trying to formulate a laidback reply.

‘Tell her… only if she’s good,’ Felix says under his breath, knowing Hyunjin’s situation better than anybody else (Hyunjin’s never told him, but Felix is wise beyond his years, and very observant), and Hyunjin types up the response. Only a few seconds later do the three little dots appear, and Hyunjin imagines her in his head, lying on her bed and typing with that cute little smile on her face.

I’m always good

I love being good

for you

Hyunjin feels his blood heat up more and more with each text she sends, Felix chuckling amusedly as Hyunjin’s fingers ghost over the keyboard. He never knows what to say, never knows how to be cool and collected around her. ‘You’re on your own, bro. She’s too good at this,’ Felix murmurs, and Hyunjin nods in agreement, desperately wracking his brains for a response, ignoring the current conversation the boys are having.

Before he even begins typing, another text from her comes through, and it’s a picture. His heart speeds up as he waits for it to load, itching to see what she’s sent. He has a folder on his phone dedicated to all the pictures she’s ever sent, and he visits that folder more often than he’d ever admit. When the picture finally loads, he feels his heart stop for a second, Felix so startled that he begins choking, and Hyunjin hits him on the back, eyes still locked onto his phone.

She’s in her bedroom, the lights all off, and she’s stood in front of her mirror, her body illuminated by the flash from her phone and the city lights streaming in from her window. She’s dressed in her completely sheer Dior robe. And nothing else.

‘Fucking hell,’ Felix says when he finally gets his breath back. The boys are all distracted from their conversation, looking over at Hyunjin and Felix with curiosity. ‘What’s going on?’ Jeongin asks, and Felix and Hyunjin are both silent for a moment. ‘She sent me a picture.’ ‘Let us see!’ Changbin says instantly, all of them looking at him with disgust. ‘No, you fucking creep.’ ‘You showed Felix!’ ‘I didn’t show him.’ ‘Yeah, I looked at the screen just as the picture loaded,’ Felix says, the boys all raising their eyebrows at him. ‘What a coincidence,’ Jisung says drily, Felix beginning to defend himself.

Hyunjin quickly becomes distracted with the picture again, unable to believe how lucky he is that a vision of beauty sends him pictures like this. He still isn’t used to the feeling of having someone so… perfect trust him enough to bare herself to him. And he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it. How do you get used to something so… extraordinary?

‘The picture must be good. He can’t look away from his phone,’ Seungmin laughs, all the boys looking over at Hyunjin again. ‘At least… describe it to us,’ Changbin says, Hyunjin shooting him another dirty look. ‘Bro, just go watch some porn or something,’ Chan says, everyone bursting into laughter as Changbin shoves Chan. ‘I don’t want details. Just the gist of it,’ Changbin says, like a dog with a bone, and Hyunjin rolls his eyes.

‘It’s a mirror picture, and she’s wearing a robe.’ ‘Oh. That’s it? Bro, you’re down bad if you’re getting horny over that,’ Jisung says, and Felix bursts into laughter, Hyunjin unable to hold back his own chuckles. ‘You guys haven’t seen it, though.’ ‘If she’s fully clothed, it can’t be that sexy,’ Minho says, and Hyunjin and Felix laugh again. ‘The robe’s see-through,’ Hyunjin admits. When it comes to her, his pride and jealousy regularly battle, and leave him torn between showing her off and keeping her to himself.

‘It’s see-through? Like totally see-through?’ Jisung asks with wide eyes, and Hyunjin nods smugly. ‘And is she wearing anything else?’ Changbin asks, Hyunjin shaking his head with a grin, the boys all looking shocked. ‘Wow, she must really trust you, to send you a picture like that,’ Chan says disbelievingly, Hyunjin feeling smugger by the second.

‘What the fuck are you waiting for? Go to her, stupid,’ Jeongin urges, Hyunjin chuckling. ‘There’s no rush. She likes the long game,’ Hyunjin replies mildly, the others all shaking their heads in disbelief. ‘You’ve got it so good,’ Seungmin says, voice laced with envy, and Hyunjin can’t help but grin in response.

aren’t you gonna tell me I look good?

did I make you hard in front of your friends, jinnie?

are they all jealous bc your girl is so hot?

I bet they wanna fuck me like you do

only you get to fuck me though, jin

I only want you

only wanna be good for you

He stays with the boys for another hour, but his mind is elsewhere completely. The texts she sends him every few minutes fry his brain, and he feels himself getting needier with each one. He needs her. So many addictions in his life, but he’d give them all up for her. Fuck Mary Jane and Molly; she’s his favourite.

I’m thinking of you, jinnie

always thinking of you

And those texts are the ones that push him over the edge. Not the ones about how much she wants him, how good his dick is, how wet she is for him, but the ones that make him think she cares.

‘I’m heading off,’ Hyunjin says, getting up from his seat, and the boys all laugh and cheer. ‘Coming back after?’ Jeongin asks, and Hyunjin shrugs. ‘Probably,’ he says, pulling his jacket on. ‘Here, bro. I’ve got her favourites,’ Changbin says, holding a little plastic packet out to Hyunjin. The boy takes it, and he wants nothing more than to crush the pills into tiny little pieces. But he puts them in his pocket instead, their weight on his heart like bricks.

Hyunjin doesn’t waste any more time, driving like a madman to her apartment in the city centre, praying he doesn’t get a ticket but knowing that it’s worth it for her. He has a pass for her apartment block’s car park, and thankfully his usual space, the one beside her space, is empty. She has Hyunjin to drive her around most of the time, so her barely driven black Audi A5 with its D&G interior is in pristine condition. Hyunjin has a keycard to get into her apartment and he taps his foot impatiently as he scans it, the lift slowly moving upwards. He practically leaps through the doors when they open, stepping straight into her living room.

The lights are off, allowing a clear view through the floor to ceiling windows that look out over the city, but Hyunjin doesn’t care about that view. The view on his mind isn’t in here, and he exerts the last of his self-control as he heads towards her bedroom. When he reaches the open door of her room and she comes into his eyeline, his breath catches in his throat. She’s sat on her windowsill, looking out over the skyline with a wineglass in her hand, and he knows it isn’t wine that she’s drinking. It’s never something as weak as wine.

She looks like an angel, face serene and thrown into dim light from the city, and she’s not wearing the robe anymore. She’s in underwear, just a plain black Agent Provocateur set, but she looks like the most beautiful girl in the world to him. Practically everything in her room is Louis V, but she’s worth more than it all. He walks towards her slowly, and she knows he’s there but doesn’t look over at him. As he gets closer, he sees the black lines of mascara across her cheeks, her eyes red and swollen, and he isn’t sure whether it’s because she’s higher than a kite, or she’s lower than she’s ever been before.

‘Are you high?’ he asks her softly, and she lets out a gentle laugh. ‘No.’ ‘So you’ve been crying?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You gonna tell me why?’ ‘No,’ she replies, voice like silk, and Hyunjin lets out a gentle sigh. ‘You can’t keep it all bottled up.’ ‘I can, and I will. I wanted you to come here to fuck me, not to be my therapist,’ she says tiredly, Hyunjin silent.

‘Did you bring my molly?’ she asks, and he just stares at her, waiting for her to look back at him. To actually look at him for once. ‘Hyunjin?’ Silence continues to fill the room, and after what feels like an eternity, she looks at him, her eyes shining with tears. ‘No.’ ‘You didn’t?’ ‘No. I brought you enough for a week on Tuesday. It’s Friday today.’ ‘I know what day it is. My health isn’t your problem.’ ‘I know it isn’t. But you should still have some left.’ ‘That’s not your concern. If I ask you to bring me something, you should bring it.’ ‘Stop being a fucking brat.’ ‘Stop being a fucking dick.’

He wants to scream at her, grab the glass from her hand and smash it against the wall, flush the pills in his pocket down the toilet. But he doesn’t. He just stands there, staring at her, and she stares back at him.

‘When was the last time you were sober?’ ‘For fuck’s sake, Jin, I can’t-’ ‘Answer the fucking question,’ he says angrily, and she flinches at his tone. ‘I… I’m sober now.’ ‘You’ve been drinking. When was the last time you were properly sober – no drugs or drink?’ She’s completely silent, and Hyunjin remains silent too, waiting for her response.

‘On Wednesday.’ ‘I’m not fucking stupid, stop lying to me.’ ‘I’m not lying!’ ‘I swear to God, I’m walking out of here if you don’t tell me the truth.’ ‘Then leave.’ ‘Don’t tell me to leave when that’s the last thing you want,’ he murmurs, and she just stares at him, eyes shining with tears.

‘Last week.’ ‘Stop lying!’ ‘I don’t fucking know, Jin! Maybe last week, maybe last month, maybe last year, maybe longer! I can’t fucking remember! I can’t even fucking see straight most days! You think I can remember when I was last sober? I’m never fucking sober!’ she screams, her voice shattering the silence, and Hyunjin feels his heart ache at the tears spilling down her face.

‘You’re slowly killing yourself.’ ‘You think I don’t know that? I’m not a fucking idiot, Jin! I haven’t got any delusions about my health!’ ‘If you know you’re dying, why don’t you stop?’ ‘You’re not an idiot either. You don’t need me to explain that to you,’ she says tiredly, as though all of her energy has suddenly flooded away.

Hyunjin’s eyes fill with tears at the realisation. She’s doing it on purpose because she wants to die.

‘Why? ‘What?’ ‘Why do you want to die?’ he asks softly, and she laughs humourlessly. ‘I told you; I don’t want a therapy session. That’s not why you’re here.’ ‘You’re insane if you think I’m gonna fuck you now,’ he says, the girl just staring at him.

‘This isn’t a film, Hyunjin, or a book. I’m not gonna magically decide to open up to you and cry on your shoulder and you hold me whilst I sleep and then you take me to DAA tomorrow and help me get sober. That’s not how this works. That’s not who I am, or who you are. You fuck me, or you leave.’ ‘I’m not gonna fuck you when you’re like this. I’m not a fucking monster,’ Hyunjin says harshly. ‘I might have to disagree with that,’ she murmurs before taking a sip from her drink.

‘You’ve had enough for tonight,’ Hyunjin says, the girl raising an eyebrow at him as she continues to drink. ‘I said that that’s enough,’ he spits angrily, and she flinches again, taking the glass from her lips a moment later. He holds out a hand to take it, and she hesitates before handing it to him, Hyunjin celebrating internally. It’s a step forward. It might be a small one, but it’s something.

He puts the glass down on her bedside table before taking a seat beside her on the windowsill. ‘You can leave.’ ‘I know,’ he says softly, and she doesn’t reply, looking back out over the city with tears streaming down her face. They sit in silence, looking at two different views, and Hyunjin feels like he could live in this moment. Her walls are up, but she’s letting him in, even if it is just for a little while.

‘You should go.’ ‘No.’ ‘Hyunjin-’ ‘I’m not leaving.’ ‘But why?’ she whispers, so much loneliness in her voice that his heart drops. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Why are you staying? We’re not having sex, and we’re not in a relationship. You don’t have any obligations to stay,’ she murmurs, lips quivering as she speaks. ‘I know I don’t have any obligations, but I won’t leave you – not while you’re like this.’

They fall into silence again and it’s so heavy, weighing down both of their hearts. ‘No one ever stays,’ she says miserably, and he tilts his head questioningly. ‘My ex-boyfriends always left. My friends always leave. You always leave. My dad even left. So why are you staying now?’ she asks, and he’s devastated at her words. This is more than she’s ever told him, and he never expected to hear that this is her trauma. She’s got daddy issues, and that’s why she is the way she is. She’s a drug addict, an alcoholic, ridden with mental health illness, all because of her dad.

‘I’m all you have left, other than drugs and money.’ ‘That’s all I need.’ ‘If you’ve got what you need, why do you wanna die?’ ‘It’s all I need to survive. Not to live.’ ‘Don’t you want to live?’ ‘Of course I do. But not like this, not… haunted. Not weighed down. Not numb and empty, all the fucking time. I can’t escape. It’s all I am… when I’m sober. If I stay drunk, and high, I can forget it all. The second I start coming down, it all comes back, and it hurts so much. I just wanna feel… not even happy. Just… alive. For once. Without the help of alcohol and drugs and designer clothes. But they fill the emptiness inside me like nothing else does.’ ‘There’s so much more to life. Love, friendship, memories, nature, achievements.’ ‘I know, but my brain doesn’t work in that way. I could be… stood on top of the world, and I’d still feel like I want to die.’ ‘Let me help you,’ he replies, and she laughs.

‘You do help me. You help me fill the void my dad left behind. You’re an asshole. You might call me a good girl and praise me and baby me and treat me like a princess sometimes, but you’re emotionally unavailable, and you shout at me and get angry with me, and you’re never here when it matters which is good because I’d get attached if you were, and you’re horrible to me when we fuck, and you make me feel like I’m not good enough for you when you text other girls in front of me and check out every girl that passes us when we’re on a night out, and you never respond to the nudes I send you which makes me feel like I’m fucking ugly, but that’s okay because you’ll come and fuck me and I feel the validation that I need, and you never stay the night which makes me feel like you only ever want me for sex, but it’s okay because at least you like me enough to fuck me in the first place. You told me once that you won’t call me yours, but it’s okay because I’d rather my body be yours than none of me at all.’

She’s sobbing by the time she finishes speaking, struggling to breathe properly, and Hyunjin’s frozen in shock. He’s an asshole? No. He’s a guy who’s in love with her and doesn’t want her to know it, because she’s always told him that she doesn’t want his love, she wants his dick and his drugs. But maybe if he’d ignored her wishes, and openly loved her, she wouldn’t be so fucked up. She wouldn’t crave his worthless validation. She wouldn’t be so lonely that she wants to die.

‘But I’m-’ ‘No. Don’t you dare deny it and say some stupid fucking shit to try and manipulate me into thinking you care. You don’t have to. I know you couldn’t give a shit about me, and I’ve known for so long, and it doesn’t matter,’ she says, furiously wiping away her tears, and Hyunjin shakes his head, taking her trembling hands into his. ‘No, you don’t understand. I’m only like this because you pushed me away. We were so good at first, I used to openly adore you, but you pushed me away and told me that you didn’t want that from me.’ ‘Yeah, because I’m fucked up! I turned you into an asshole, and then fell in love with you! More fool fucking me! Can you just leave now?’ she asks, pulling her hands from his and looking away. His heart sings at her confession that she does love him, that this isn’t one-sided, but it quickly quietens when he sees the look on her face.

‘I’m literally trying to tell you that I’m in love with you too. I want to be with you, and do the things we’ve never done. Restaurant dates, and staying the night and laying with you, and shopping trips that don’t end up with us fucking in the Chanel back room – not that I’m complaining about that, obviously. But I just want to be with you. We could be so good together – just give us a chance. Things don’t have to be this way.’ ‘They are.’ ‘But they don’t have to be! Just give me a day. A day to be more than your dick appointment and your dealer. All I need is one day with you, and I can make the pain better.’

‘No, Hyunjin. Just go,’ she says quietly, the tears gone and her voice calm. She’s shutting herself off again, pushing him back out, and it makes him panic. ‘Don’t do this. This is your chance to be happy, for us to be happy together.’ ‘No. Leave, like you always do,’ she murmurs, and he can see the city lights reflected in her eyes, the galaxy held between her lashes.

‘I only left because you wanted me to.’ ‘I still want you to.’ ‘But you love me.’ ‘They don’t cancel each other out.’ ‘That doesn’t-’ ‘Make any sense? I know. I don’t make any sense. I want love, but I’m scared of it. I hate my dad for abandoning me, but I only ever want guys that abandon me so if you stay, I’ll fall out of love with you, or I’ll push you away like I did when we first started fucking so that I can carry on loving you. I was never treated right, but I only ever want guys that treat me badly, so if you treat me right, I’ll get bored of you. I never got love from my dad, so I’ve been running from it my whole life, and that isn’t gonna change. I’ve driven myself insane for years, trying so hard to understand why I’m like this, but I am, and you should just accept that instead of trying work me out.’

Hyunjin just blinks, trying to process her words. Where does he win? The only way he can have her is carrying on being the asshole he’s been for the past few years, but there’s only so long he can keep that up when he’s falling more and more in love with her by the day. But if he openly loves her, she won’t want him anymore. Hyunjin makes a vow that if, by chance, he ever encounters her dad, he’s gonna beat the shit out of him. And he also makes a vow that he’s gonna help her, get her to therapy or DAA, because there’s no other way he can see a positive outcome.

‘You should just leave.’ ‘How can I leave you like this?’ ‘Because I can’t love you if you stay. I don’t love people who stay, and I never have. So… go. Please,’ she says, no emotion, no nothing in her voice, or on her face. She looks like one of those ancient marble statues, passive and cold but beautiful. And Hyunjin knows that he doesn’t want to live a life without her in it, so he does the only thing he can tonight, the only thing that won’t push her away.

‘Fine. I’ll fucking leave, since you keep fucking telling me to,’ he says harshly, the girl flinching at the suddenness of him pushing himself off the windowsill, feet landing heavily on the floor. ‘Came here to fuck you, and you’re fucking crying instead. You’re such a fucking mess. I should have brought your fucking molly. At least you keep your fucking mouth shut when you’re rolling. Never tell me to come over if you’re in your feels again, ‘cause I don’t wanna sit here and listen to you whine about your shitty dad,’ he mutters angrily, loathing himself for the words he’s using against her, the kind of words he’s subjected her to for so long, the words that made her fall in love with him.

Despite his brain screaming at him to not look back before leaving, he does it anyway, and when he sees her reaching for her glass again, eyes filled with tears and lips curled up into a sad smile, he feels his heart break into a million little pieces. He should knock the glass out of her hand. He should tell her how much he loves her, and how he’s not gonna give up on them. He should force her to get into his car, take her to rehab, and tell her that he won’t stand by and watch her slowly kill herself. But he squares his shoulders, ignoring the clink of her glass against her Cartier rings, and leaves her bedroom with the weight of the world on his shoulders and her face in his mind.

[esmealux]

How Chloe Decker Ruined The Greatest Slut of The Universe

Part: 1 / 1

Setting: Post s5, maybe post s6?

Word count: 2.2K

Rating: T

Summary: Lucifer’s thoughts on monogamy have changed over time. Or, how Chloe Decker ruined the Greatest Slut of the Universe. 

Author’s note: Thanks for the help on this one! If I’m still a little off canon in some places, I apologise. I tried my best. If it bugs you too much that it doesn’t 100% match what’s implied on the show, you can always consider it an AU.

Lucifer had never seen the point of monogamy. Why limit yourself to one sexual partner when you could have a thousand?

It wasn’t a matter of quantity over quality—Dad no. It was simply a matter of diversity. Variety. No matter how delectable the taste, you wouldn’t stick to one meal for the rest of your life. No matter how sweet the melody, you wouldn’t listen to one song and one song only. Even the most magnificently scored piece of music would eventually tire your ears if it were all you ever heard. So why on Earth would you tie yourself to one person?

He might have understood it if humans were designed to mate for life, like beavers and seahorses, but they weren’t. They were polygamous creatures. And yet so many of them spent every living second obsessing over finding the one. It was untrue to their nature—deviant, really. The saddest part was that once they thought they’d encountered this ‘other half’, they’d chain themselves to the person, restrain themselves. Suppress their innate desires.

Why, oh, why?

The question had struck his mind so many times, most often amid a particularly sinful orgy. Why would you ever abstain from the abundance of pleasure several lovers could give you in return for sporadic and ever-worsening missionary sex with the same person until your dying day? 

It had made absolutely no sense to him.

But then he’d met her.

Not that he’d turned monogamist by the mere sight of her (he wasn’t that weak). But it was her acquaintance, all the light and the dark that ensued, which ultimately had made him abandon his philandering. He’d wish he could say it was a conscious choice. It wasn’t. After she’d kissed him that first time (and probably even before that) he just simply hadn’t had the desire to engage in casual sex with strangers. Not that he hadn’t felt desire in any form—had practically been set ablaze with it the moment their lips had touched—but he’d burned for her, and no one else.

And then, before he could even act on this newfound, completely overshadowing, giddying want, the all-destructive revelation had been thrust in his face. That she was nothing but another pawn in his Father’s vexatious game. That she hadn’t kissed him of her own free will. That they weren’t real.

It had felt as if he’d crashed against the sulphurous ground of Hell once again. And his carnal desires had been pushed even further back. If he couldn’t have her—and he couldn’t, because she deserved a choice—he didn’t want anyone. Not even when he’d fled from reality to Sin City had he been tempted to pick up a bed mate or two. Nor had he felt the need to seduce Candy as he’d pretend-married her. No, that little arrangement had primarily, almost solely been to protect Chloe. To give her a choice.  

And he’d done just that, as they’d gone back to being friends. Just friends. (For some reason, it had not relieved the ache in his chest, but he’d tried not to dwell on that). And yet, despite their now defined platonic relationship, he still hadn’t resumed his libertine habits. Mainly because he’d been busy sending his mother into another universe, being abducted, cursing his reattached wings, and learning that the new lieutenant was Cain(!). It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to get back to his carefree debauchery. The feathery traitors on his back had just kept getting in the way and ruined the mood.

That, and he hadn’t had quite the same appetite as before. Or perhaps his sexscapades had just become less filling. Either way, the hunger roused by their kiss had still burned inside him—a hunger that couldn’t be sated by one-night stands and sex parties. Because, as reluctant as he’d been to admit it back then, all he’d wanted, all he’d desired, was her.

But she had been forbidden fruit, and for once, he’d refused to bite. For once, something—someone had mattered more to him than his own wants and needs. And so, after a couple of (by his standards) unsatisfying shags, and for the first time in history, he’d had sex with no one but himself. Only accompanied by the ever-fading memory of her mouth on his, and bittersweet fantasies of what could have been.

It’d been rather depressing.

At some point, she had, for some inexplicable reason, started dating Lieutenant Pierce, aka. the world’s first murderer. Consequently, Lucifer had put all his energy into proving to her just how much better than the Murderous Man Ham he was. In addition to providing her with her favourite snacks, buying her a car, and other small acts of kindness, he’d continued to stay abstinent, solo sessions aside. Sleeping around with half of LA didn’t exactly say ‘loyal and devoted’—not to Chloe, at least—and he hadn’t wanted to lose her over meaningless sex. Eventually, he had (with a little help from a friend) realised that it would take more than expensive gifts, decadent dinners, and celibacy to win her over. That he’d have to tell her how he felt about her, instead of telling her how to feel about Pierce. With hope dangerously blooming in his chest, he had gone to finally confess the feelings he’d tried to suppress for so long—only to have an inadequate diamond ring and a quite unexpected ‘yes’ get in the way.

In the throes of jealousy and heartbreak and so many other painful emotions he couldn’t name, he’d started bringing people into his bed again. He’d thought it would help him get over Chloe, or at least keep his mind off her and bring him in a better mood—none of which had been the case, of course. Because all he could think of, as he would lie there, thrusting with as much passion he could muster into his amour d’un jour, was that it wasn’t her. That she’d chosen Pierce—chosen Cain. That he’d had and would have her in ways Lucifer could only dream of.

(And oh, did he dream. To a pathetic degree.)

In spite of the sulky thoughts that had invaded his mind every time he’d been entertaining someone for the night, he had, as always, managed to make all participating parties, himself included, reach their climax—often more than twice. But while they had left his place smiling and satisfied like never before, he’d lied motionless in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, feeling as empty and as starved as he had pre-sex. If not more.

He probably should have realised then that his days as a serial lover were over. Should probably have realised it long before that, actually—say, when an innocent kiss had changed something fundamental inside him. But he hadn’t realised anything. Not then. Not when rekindling his relationship Eve had made him feel oddly guilty. Not when their weekend-long orgies had done nothing to fill the void inside him. Not when he’d found himself alone in the shower, getting off to sappy daydreams rather than the luscious woman waiting in his bed. Not when he’d finally broken up with said woman, and his excessive need for polyphonic stimulation had vanished altogether.

Nor had he realised it any of the times he’d looked at Chloe—when the stars in her eyes and the purity of her soul had taken his breath away. Not when she so openly and without fright had accepted him in his true form. Not when she’d made him see that it wasn’t his true form after all. Not during any of their most tender moments—moments he could only have shared with her. Not when she had felt like home, more than Heaven, Hell or Earth ever had.

Maybe he had started realising it when she between sobs and pleas had declared her love for him. (It was, after all, in that moment he’d realised he loved her in return, and more than he could even begin to understand). But it wasn’t then, and it wasn’t there, it had finally dawned upon him—that Detective Chloe Decker had ruined the First and Greatest Slut of the Universe.

No, the ultimate epiphany had come to him far, far away from her soft lips and her warm heart. Had first come to him when he’d let himself fall and sat in the throne he’d never wanted. Tortured by her absence for millennia on end. For it was there, amongst ashes and demons and scum, in the blackness of the abyss, deprived of her light, that he’d felt it. An all-encompassing desire, a scorching, excruciating longing to be with her. And only her.

It had been the single saddest case of Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And fonder it had grown. For each day he spent in Hell without her, each year, each century, it only became all the more clear—crystalline, eventually, glowing brightly in the black smog: He loved her. Exclusively, absolutely, and unconditionally. 

Still does.

And even more so now. Now that he knows the feeling of her skin against his, and that she always vacuum-cleans to Spice Girls. Knows just how loud she snores, and what her naked body looks like in the sunlight. Now that he knows she kisses (far) better than she cooks, but that she’s no stranger to fixing a leaking pipe. Knows that it takes four tequila shots to get her horny and two glasses of red wine to have her falling asleep on the couch. Knows how she’ll toss and turn in bed when there’s a killer on the loose, and the peace on her face when they’ve put one behind bars. Now that he knows what makes her gasp in pleasure and what makes her cry with laughter. What makes her roll her eyes, and what makes her stomp out of the room. Knows the sound of her ‘good morning, baby’, and her ‘sleep well, honey’. The sound of her ‘I love you’ murmured against his lips.

Now that he knows her—truly knows her—he can do nothing but love her more with each passing hour.

And the best part is, she seems to feel the same way about him.

What a lucky bastard that makes him.

Because it was luck that brought them together. Not Dad’s will. He knows that now. Yes, she would never have existed had it not been for his Father’s divine intervention, but He didn’t create her from his ribs or code her to love him. As opposed to what Lucifer had thought for so long, they’re not made for each other, not like that. The fact that she met Lucifer? Definitely Dad’s plan. But that she let him into her life? Into her heart? Now, that she can only blame herself for. 

Lucifer blames her too—has questioned her judgement many times over the years, but always with an impossible amount of gratitude. Despite… everything, she chose him. They chose each other. 

He still doesn’t understand the whole soulmate-thing humans are so keen on (why praise your free will only to romanticise the idea of a predetermined partner?), but he can’t deny that he sees it now, the point of monogamy. It’s not that you can’t live without the person, or that you feel obliged to be with them until death do you part. It’s not about containing desires.

No, it’s about not wanting to live without this someone.

And, much to his surprise, sex has very little to do with it. If he ever had to choose between having the best sex of his life every day or always being in Chloe’s company but never getting laid, his balls would be bluer than all smurfs combined. And he’d still be the happiest Devil alive.

Fortunately, he gets both her company and the best sex of his life. But it’s not the incredible orgasms that keep him higher than any party drug ever did. It’s merely being near her. The closeness. The trust. The love.

He wouldn’t trade that— wouldn’t trade her for anything. (Not even a ménage à trois with Aphrodite and Marilyn.)

Once he realised that, it had only taken him two years to act on it. First, he’d sat down and had a short but heartfelt conversation with Beatrice. When that went well, he’d visited his old sparkly friends in the sky, for the first time since he formed them, and carefully picked the tiniest bit off the Brightest of them all.

And now, he’s finally making his way up the coast to the beach—the beach—as a fragment of his dearest star twinkles brighter than ever inside the gold ring nestled against his fluttering heart.

For years, his innermost desire has been to spend every day with her and do his absolute best to make her happy. He not only knows but feels that there is no one else for him. That they are, in the most beautiful and incredible way possible, stuck with each other; they might as well make it official.

If she says yes, that is.

Edit: I have come to realise that I probably should have given @thewollfgang some credit for the idea about the ring. I am truly in love with their ‘Ring’-fic, and I’m not sure I would have gotten the idea of Lucifer putting a star in Chloe’s ring if I hadn’t read their fic. And now that I just read it again, I realise that the ring being in Lucifer’s breast pocket also is heavily inspired by the same fic. So, lots of credit to the absolutely amazing @thewollfgang on this one. 

[cinnamontoastandtears]

thank you for the tags @mithranqueer and @rufusrant vv happy that y’all thought of me haha 💕 (and thanks for the awesome questions @dustino)

have you ever written rpf before, or are the beatles the first you’ve ever done it for?

yeah, no, the beatles are the first and most likely the only rpf thing i’ll ever write. i’ve written fictional character ones before that but they were shitty so the first thing i ever posted was beatles too.

what’s your favorite ship to write and why?

starrison... because it just is, i have really no idea. they have the dynamic of the kind of relationship i want, i guess, (plus majorly awesome side-character energy) so yeah.

easiest beatle to write?

george. his personality is scarily similar to mine, so all i really have to do is think how i’d handle (x) situation.

hardest beatle to write?

paul. which is strange bc every mclennon fic ive ever written is from his perspective lmao. i think it’s hard for me to write him because i don’t actually like him very much and he gets on my nerves.

original era or modern au?

modern, but i can tolerate original if i throw period-typical homophobia in the bin. don’t like writing that.

least favorite pair to write?

mcharrison.. mostly cause they’re just such great friends and ugh, will die for some good mcharrison bromance (writing a fic like that now lmao...)

do you read or write more?

write, sorry to every fic ive ignored, but multi-chapters stress me out so much especially if they already have upwards of like 10,000 words. (very sorry if i’ve ignored your work, it’s really not your fault i promise) if i catch a multi chapter in its first couple updates i’m more inclined to read it. (but yeah, i write way more to the point where i have several almost finished fics in my drive, expect a week soon where i just post them all ahajkdks)

aus or canon compliant?

i mean i guess modern au if that counts? or them as like, anything but musicians because that’s hilarious.

ship you’d like to see more of?

uhhh... lenstarr or lennison (create the content you wish to see)

au/trope you want to see more of?

nothing specific. (but i love drunken confessions and bed-sharing, specifically together)

fanfic trope pet peeve?

ARCHETYPE BEATLES. archetype beatles can fucking kiss my ass. no sweeter-than-sweet ringo, depressed/moody/angry george, way-too-much-of-a-“leader” john, and paul the a) over-the-top drama queen or b) the Most Serious About Music™️. hate those. please be complex :))

prefer to write one shots or multi chaptered fics?

oneshots. but i did just start a multi chapter one you can read here if you’re interested 👀 (it’s sort of crack, idk if that hurts or helps)

on a scale from one to ten, how much has fanfiction taken over your life?

like maybe 6-7. it’s a lot.

do you have an author you look up to?

YES. literally all of them omg. seriously @mithranqueer @measuredoutinyears @dusted-0negin @celeste-fitzgerald @rufusrant @muzaktomyears @blobfishmiffy you all are very cool and i always feel very nervous to talk to you 😌

what’s a fic you can’t get tired of no matter how many times you read?

(time to sift through my bookmarks)

by @measuredoutinyears

a love that’s shining all around here - starrison (literally the first beatles fic in my bookmarks)

because you’re sweet and lovely - starrison (oh my god)

by @mithranqueer

baby, you’re a rich man - starrison (ahhhhhhh them as mob members is crazy and perfect and you know??)

by @blobfishmiffy

beatle toast (but gayer) - lennison (vv accurate for their dynamic)

a push in the right direction - starrison (the obliviousness and denial and the lenstarr bromance = everything)

by @celeste-fitzgerald

if this was a movie - starrison (i think the first time i read this i had to get up it was just so sweet)

by no particular author i know the tumblr url of:

peppermint kisses - mclennon (it’s christmas fluff i mean come on)

drunken lovers. - starrison (what did i say about drunken confessions)

attracts me like no other lover - george/everyone with endgame starrison (not sad but made me cry)

do you have a current fic obsession?

will you be mad if i say my own?

how seriously do you take fic writing?

not as serious as i should maybe, if you measure how much i don’t try and how much i live off of people’s praise :D

tags before the nsfw: ... @muzaktomyears (vv sorry if this is like the third or fourth tag, but y’all already talked about some of my favorites)

do sex positions (top/bottom) effect your enjoyment when reading or writing a fic?

kind of ?? more in the next question

do you have a preference over who’s who at all? if you do, then what are they?

in lieu of the confusing answer i had, here’s the six main ones:

mclennon: top john

starrison: prefer top george but either one is fine

lennison: top george

mcharrison: either way

mcstarr: mostly top ringo, maybe top paul

lenstarr: top ringo

this stems from the deal that if i read a ship and one or another of them is the top the possibility of me being able to picture it another way goes down (like first come, first served sort of)

is there any kind of kink you have to fight back including in every fic?

nor unless you count dirty talk which i always put in there anyway

when do you feel comfortable adding a smut scene in your fic, if it matters to you at all?

i guess in truth, i’ve only written a couple of fics (posted and unposted) with smut in them, and in a decent half of them i used sex to represent a deeper emotional connection rather than, like, because i was horny (but i have like 4 of those too so if you want i could..) /hj

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 5

[Season 4 here]

Episode 1:

Dean is visibly upset about Cas' death, especially at (6:07), and Zachariah notices. From here on, we have a progressive worse reaction from Dean to each of Castiel's deaths

Dean calls Cas a 'friend', again sounding very upset (8:20)

We also get a parallel between Dean and Sam: "I learned that from my friend Cas, you son of a bitch!" and "I learned that from Ruby." (9:10) ICWAW, this parallel would implicate romantic subtext

Cas comes back, bringing top energy onto Zachariah, and Dean just... checks him out (32:43) [this is a frequent thing by the way, I'm on S10 right now, it is]

Episode 2:

I'm so fuckin sorry but I'm laughing too hard at this: D"God" C"Yes" D"God" C"Yes!" (4:09) guys, don't sex-talk in front of Sam and Bobby

"I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you." (4:54)

Dean gives in to Cas' top energy "Dean, give it to me." (5:53) shit, guys, enough sex-talk

Episode 3:

The 'personal space scene'. Dean, love, if someone is in your personal bubble, and you don't want them there, you don't stand there for 10 seconds while flicking your gaze from their eyes to their lips TWICE (6:04) ICWAW, these scene would be read as full of sexual tension

Dean here compares himself and Cas to Thelma & Louise, from a movie with HELLA lesbian subtext. And the way he looks at Cas for 7 seconds, tongue between his teeth and just... this fucking look (7:37)

You don't look at friends that way. You don't.

"I need your help, because you're the only one who'll help me. Please". (7:58) Cas trusts Dean will help him while no other would, and he is right... also Dean keeps glancing at his lips

The way Dean fixs Cas' tie and collar, so domestic. (10:34) [This will parallel in 10x05 when Dean messes up musical!Castiel's tie for it to be a legit costume.] Also, the whole police station scene is full of Old married couple moments

"There are two things that I know for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay." And then they were voted best chemestry couple like Bert and Ernie. Just saying. (16:23) "Two, you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch... let's go."... and Cas just follows Dean like nothing, but later on...

... Cas is beyond terrified at the idea of being intimate with a woman (11:24),

tho he followed Dean with no problem. ... Did... did he think Dean was making an offer?

He chugs down a beer in fear, poor baby

And he is so jumpy I'm dying

Dean admits Cas is the only one who has made him laugh for real in years (20:58), also, shoulder hug, and Cas, who was on the verge of tears a moment earlier, is smiling and comfortable now.

"Don't look at me, it was his idea." (26:57) the look Cas gives Dean, they're so fucking #MARRIED

"Today you're my little bitch." "... What he said!" Dean is impressed and amused by Cas' smugness (and top energy) (31:55) Basically "Well, mark me down as scared and horny!"

Dean understands how Cas feels, and wants to help. He says he feels good with him "I've had more fun with you in the past 24h that I've had with Sam in years... and you're not that much fun." (36:06) Dean doesn't want to be alone, didn't want Cas to leave.

Episode 4:

Dean sounds and looks like a teenager on the phone with their crush, teasing Cas while smiling softly (1:22). Also "I'll just... wait here then." (2:15)

Even as a mortal, Cas stuck with Dean through the apocalypse, living in pain, chugging down drugs, but never leaving Dean's side. Being his second during hunts. Having only each other

And this Cas can recognize this Dean is not his own only by glancing at him for a moment (... by looking at his dick?!) (18:37)

Dean is stunned and concerned about apocalypse!Cas and how his life turned out

Apocalypse!Cas sits like Dean. Aww, they've been rubbing off on each other [yeah, I bet] (22:27)

"I like past you!" and that smile. So sweet and nostalgic (25:35)

This whole scene (23:48). They are so #MARRIED

Dean is concerned about Cas doing drugs, being basically depressed and living like shit (28:03)

Cas saves Dean again. "We had an appointment." "...Don't ever change." and the way they stare at each other (38:49) look at those smiles and how longingly Cas looks at Dean

Episode 8:

Not a destiel moment, but Dean is totally BI: (12:04); "Sure" (12:42); "What makes Dr Sexy, SEXY, is that he wears cowboy boots!" (12:57); and Dean loves cowboys, just saying

Is... is Dean thinking about Cas being pretty? And about the fact that a creepy guy just called his angel 'pretty'? (20:26)

First thing Dean requests Gabe does is to bring Cas back, threatening him

Episode 9:

Dean reacting to Damien and Barnes being a couple is... LOL (36:27) and after that (38:40), he is on his own, fiddling with his keys, smiling to himself. And when Sam asks if he is okay, he responds "Yeah, you know? I think I'm good." while still smiling to himself. Is he happy about an queer man portraying him, about seeing himself in a confident, openly queer man in a relationship? What else could it be?

Episode 13:

Dean gets more and more worried when Cas gets/is hurt (9:45)(38:02). Also, he got Cas a honeymoon suite. Wow. How sweet.

Episode 14:

The phone call scene. The stares, the tension... look at this shit (10:00)

Dean, stop checking out Cas. You're working. But seriously, look at him. He likes his roughness. AND AGAIN WITH THE LIPS STARING (11:02)

Dean and Cas, after being touched by a cherub, stand shoulder-to-shoulder close to each other, in front of a bi-coloured window (13:26-13:33) I MEAN- Also, Dean, you're staring at a naked man's dong... just saying (13:33-13:36)... stop that, be a professional

Is this the first wink Dean gives at Cas? (14:37) for real? With a cherub in the room? Wow.

(16:16) "Where did he go?" "I belive you upset him." Look at Cas during this scene. #MARRIED

Cas asks Dean where his Famine-induced-hunger is, why he seems unaffected by it... and Dean stares at Cas, then the burger he is holding, then back at him, like he has everything he could want right there, in his Baby (29:22)

Episode 16:

... I'm sorry, but... did Cas really have to MOAN Dean's name to get his attention? (5:24)

I believe this is the first time we ever hear Dean say the words "I love you" (14:38-28:09), and he is saying them to Sam. The only other time we hear him say it is to his mother in 12x22. And the only other person he was supposed to say those words to was, in fact, Cas in 8x17. Let that sink in.

"You son of a bitch." Dean's been rubbing off on Cas, and this is not the only line he has picked up from Dean (38:29)

Episode 17:

This is such a sweet scene. Cas is showing himself weak once again, and Dean sympathises with him, reassures him, confides in him. How sweet. (30:17) ICWAW, this would be seen as a romantic bonding moment

Episode 18:

Cas legit looks like an angry wife. Look how pissed he is at Dean (6:19) #MARRIED

This is such a #MARRIED scene, with Cas being pissy at Dean "being a coward". Also "Yeah, you know what? Blow me, Cas!" and his look after that, like "Does... does he actually want me to?" (13:22)

and this is not the last 'sexual invitation' Dean makes Cas. In fact, minutes later...

"Cas, not for nothing, but, the last person who looked at me like that... I got laid. *wink*" ... just... that (17:53). ICWAW, people would believe this was flirtatious, SHAMELESS, teasing

Look at that FULL TOP MODE tho

"I gave everything for you, and this is what you give to me?" (25:28) Cas is not just angry at Dean for giving up on the plan, but for giving up on life, on them. "So you could surrender to them?" (25:17) not "So you can let them win". It could've been phrased that way, but this is not about the angels winning. It's about Dean giving up on them. Cas is 'cause Dean would be selfishly leaving them

Cas starts taking off his tie and... Dean just stares (31:46). Moments later, we find out Cas totally took his shirt off in front of the boys to make the banishing simbol on his chest, and by the way Dean was STARING when it was only a tie, I bet he either gawked or averted his eyes. Either way, GAY

Cas prefers to die rather than watch Dean fail and die himself (31:55) Also, Sam still thinks of Dean as a hero who can do no wrong, while Cas recognizes his flaws and weaknesses. He knows Dean

Zachariah grabs Dean by the collar and gets in his face. Dean does nothing but flinch a little, mantaining his strong appearance. He only submits and looks overwhelmed when Cas does it (37:50)

Episode 19:

Cas is priority to Dean over Adam. He's more family to him than his actual blood (5:29)

Episode 21:

Cas is basically human, bloody, hurt, powerless and weak. First thing he does? Reach out for Dean (3:16)

Cas is still weak and powerless, and took a bus for miles, just to get back to Dean (12:35)

Episode 22:

Moments before basically going and kill himself, Dean focuses on Cas instead of Bobby, his father figure (24:35)

Cas is on the verge of tears at the thought of Dean dying (25:20)

We know Cas can heal without having to touch the body, but we always see him reach for contact with Dean (35:52) [That's why in S15, it hurts to see Cas not touching Dean while healing him. It feels unnatural]

Dean loves cowboys, and associates Cas to a sheriff. Cas, knowing that, smiles softly at the idea(37:30). Also, Dean obviously doesn't want Cas to leave, and tears up when he does

[Season 6>>]

[creativewritingpracticestudio]

Upcoming Fics That I’m Working On:

If it has a line through it, it’s been completed!

Guns N Roses:

Axl Rose NSFW alphabet

Duff McKagan NSFW alphabet

Slash Hudson NSFW alphabet

Izzy Stradlin x Reader smut fic: He gets turned on when you eat a popsicle in front of him.

Older!Axl Rose x Reader smut fic: You’re his younger girlfriend, and the media is saying a lot of awful things that make Axl feel insecure, so you show him that you love him for who he is, no matter what the paparazzi wants to say about it.

Duff McKagan x Reader smut: size kink.

Slash Hudson x Reader(no smut): You and Slash are a laid back couple, and you accidentally forget about Valentine’s Day, so Axl plans a fancy double date for the two of you, and for him and Stephanie.

Izzy Stradlin x Reader x Axl Rose threesome smut fic: Axl’s been flirting with you and teasing Izzy about possibly stealing you from him for the entirety of the tour, so Izzy fucks you senseless in front of Axl to show him who you belong to(also, Axl joins in towards the end.)

Steven Adler x Reader Hurt/Comfort Smut fic: After Steven finds out that his girlfriend cheated on him with Axl, and that it’s been recorded for a song, he’s hurt. So, he comes to you for comfort.

Izzy Stradlin x Reader Hurt/Comfort and Angry Smut fic: Izzy can usually put up with Axl’s outbursts. But when Axl decided to turn his anger on you, that’s when Izzy’s had enough.

Axl Rose x Reader Hurt/Comfort fic: An argument with Axl turns into him confiding in you about his childhood abuse as you hold him in your arms.

Izzy Stradlin x Reader Smut fic: Stephanie wants Axl to go on a date with her, but the tables for two always take forever, so they decide to make it a double date. How? By setting Izzy up on a blind date with one of Stephanie’s friends, AKA you. Izzy’s less than excited, until he sees how hot you are. Maybe the night won’t be a waste, after all.

Older Axl Rose x Assistant!Reader Smut: You’re Axl’s younger assistant, helping him out backstage. But this day isn’t like most others; Axl’s got a little problem, and it definitely requires your help, but it might be a little above your pay grade. (Hint: the problem requires you to do some work on your knees.)

Older! Slash Hudson x Younger!Reader Smut fic: You’re Richard Fortus’s 20-something niece who he brings with him backstage one night to introduce to his bandmates, including the famous Slash. Unbeknownst to him, you and Slash instantly like each other, and begin dating despite the large age difference. It’s a great relationship; the only issue is making sure Richard doesn’t find out.

Slash x Reader Song fic: Based off the song “Do I Wanna Know” by Artic Monkeys; Slash meets the reader at a bar one night and is instantly taken by her; he begins to come see her there every night, even though he knows that it will probably never go anywhere(or will it? You gotta read to find out!)

Older! Duff McKagan x Reader blurb: watching art restoration videos in bed while eating takeout.

Slash Hudson x Reader angst-fluff fic: During a heated argument, Slash says something to you that he shouldn’t have. You get angry and try to leave, but Slash can’t lose you.

Duff McKagan x Reader fluff fic: You and Duff adopt a pig together!!! :)

Duff McKagan x Reader x Steven Adler Smut fic: You and Duff have been together for a long time now, and he finally works up the courage to ask you-will you have a threesome with him and his best friend, Steven? Obviously, the answer is yes, but how will it go?

Izzy Stradlin x Reader Fluff: You meet Izzy after he becomes sober.

Older! Insecure! Izzy Stradlin x Reader Smut: Izzy’s feeling insecure about his age and the age gap between you and him, so you decide to cheer him up ;)

Duff McKagan x Reader Smut: Duff walls in on you looking at porn magazines, and wants to join in. Stuff goes down.

Current! Axl Rose x Reader Smut: You’re Slash’s daughter, and you’re having a secret relationship with Axl. Slash catches the two of you having sex.

Izzy Stradlin x Reader Smut: You and Izzy are two close friends. You’re tired of being a virgin, and you just want to get the first time having sex over with, so he decides to help you out.

Sub! Steven Adler x Femdom! Reader Smut: A self-indulgent fic of mine where Steven finally agrees to let you dominant him in bed. This was literally just an excuse for me to write Steven being all innocent and flustered and shit, btw. I won’t include pegging in this, but I’m really close to writing a pegging fic. This will have degrading, praising, bondage, and basically just you babying the fuck outta Steven while he acts all innocent and confused.

Sub! Steven x Femdom! Reader Smut: Steven likes sitting in your lap, and you like embarrassing him in front of his bandmates. So, when he’s sitting in your lap at a band practice and gets hard, you naturally decide to have a little bit of fun.

Current! Steven Adler x Younger!Reader Fluff and Smut: You’re a younger, famous singer who Steven falls in love with. He decides not to tell you, out of fear that you couldn’t possibly feel the same way, but he actually couldn’t be more wrong.

Current! Axl Rose x Daughter! Reader Fluff: Axl discovers that he has a long-lost daughter who’s been living in a group home, and decides that he has meet her.

Current! Axl Rose x Reader Smut: As was requested, this is an absolutely dirty fic; spit kink, choking, daddy kink, etc. Axl shows zero mercy, and it’s very sexy.

Mötley Crüe

Tommy Lee x Reader Smut fic: overstimulation kink.

Mick Mars x Reader Smut fic: You write him a love letter before every concert, just to boost his self esteem. This time, however, you’ve got a surprise; the letter isn’t as innocent as usual(basically, you sext him through a letter, and he has to read it in front of his bandmates.)

Oblivious!Tommy Lee x Reader Smut: You’re really horny, but Tommy, being his energetic and slightly ditzy self, doesn’t seem to be getting the hints. Guess you’ll have to show him in a hands-on way.

Mick Mars x Reader Fluff fic: Mick’s back is hurting him, so you give him a nice back massage.

Tommy Lee x Reader Smut fic: You and Tommy are a hedonistic couple with one goal: experience as much pleasure as possible without dying. Your relationship is sex, drugs, and alcohol, and that doesn’t change tonight: the two of you go to a party, get high in a broom closet, and explore each other’s bodies.

Tommy Lee Prompt Fic: “Wow, do you want subtlety to go with that makeup look? Because you don’t have any.”

Nikk Sixx Prompt Fic: “Your stamina is admirable. I wouldn’t be able to fuck ten groupies in a row and then still have the energy to get a hotdog.”

Mick Mars x Reader Smut Fic: You and Mick are taking a ride through town on his motorbike, when you decide to tease him, knowing he can’t do anything about it. Just wait til the two of you get home.

Vince Neil x Reader Sugar Daddy Headcanons

Nikki Sixx x Cheating!Reader Angst: A dark, angsty fic about you cheating on Nikki when he’s at his lowest point.

Tommy Lee x Reader Fluff: You buy Tommy some roses as a joke, but he turns out to love them a lot more than you expected him to.

Hanoi Rocks

Andy McCoy NSFW alphabet

Razzle Dingley x Reader Smut fic: kinky cuddles

Platonic Razzle Dingley x Reader prompt fic: “Your stamina is admirable. I wouldn’t be able to fuck ten groupies in a row and then still have the energy to get a hotdog.”

Nasty Suicide x Male!Reader Smut fic: Just sweet, fluffy smut!

All Members x Reader Smut fic: Literally just a gang-bang fic, not even gonna lie. You have sex with Michael, Razzle, Jan, Andy and Sami at the same time, and it’s basically the best experience of your life.

KISS

Eric Carr NSFW Alphabet

Ace Frehley NSFW Alphabet

Paul Stanley x Reader Headcanons-Headcanons about a gender neutral S/O who’s dealing with depression and can’t feel happy or sad.

Bruce Kulick NSFW Alphabet

Eric Carr x Reader Fluff: A cute fluffy fic about you and Eric having a beach day!

Ace Frehley x Reader Fluff: Just you and Ace cuddling and watching movies.

Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson NSFW Alphabet

Older!Marilyn Manson x Reader Smut: Hooking up before a concert.

John 5 x Pinup! Reader Smut: Reader looks like Dita Von Teese, and John sees her before a concert and decides to meet her.

Marilyn Manson x Reader x Ozzy Osbourne Smut fic: Threesome.

Dating Daisy Berkowitz Would Include

Daisy Berkowitz NSFW Alphabet

Dating Marilyn Manson Would Include

Daisy Berkowitz x Reader Smut/Fluff: Just you and Daisy doing couple shit, with a little bit of smut.

Twiggy Ramirez x Reader Angst: A songfic based off of the song Mechanical Animals; You and Twiggy are in a toxic relationship like in the song: he’s empty and unfeeling, you’re always angry and explosive, and the only thing keeping the two of you together is drug addiction.

Slipknot

Young Joey Jordison x Reader fic: No smut, just life on the road.

Iron Maiden

Nicko NSFW Alphabet

Ramones

Joey Ramone NSFW Alphabet

Joey Ramone x Reader Smut: An awkwardly sweet fic about you and Joey being each other’s first times.

Joey Ramone x Reader Smut: Based off of the part of my NSFW Alphabet for Joey, where I mentioned his dirty secrets, which are that he likes to be rough/give orders, and that he likes red lingerie.

Metallica

Lars NSFW Alphabet

Current! James Hetfield x Plus Size!Reader Fluff/Slight Smut: You think that no one can pick you up due to your size, so James proves you wrong.

Johnny Thunders

Dating Johnny Thunders Would Include

Johnny Thunders NSFW Alphabet

Poison

Bret Michaels NSFW Alphabet

Skid Row

Rachel Bolan NSFW Alphabet

Snake NSFW Alphabet

Dating Snake Would Include

Scotti Hill NSFW Alphabet

Rob Affuso NSFW Alphabet

Dating Scotti Hill Would Include

Dating Rob Affuso Would Include

Van Halen

Eddie Van Halen NSFW Alphabet

Ratt

Warren Demartini NSFW Alphabet

The Beatles

The Beatles x Reader Fluff/Smut: The four guys pull a prank on you, but it goes too far and they make you cry. They decide to be sweet to you to make up for it..and by sweet, I mean sweetttttt ;)))

LA Guns

Kelly Nickels NSFW Alphabet

Phil Lewis NSFW Alphabet

Kelly Nickels x Reader Smut: Just some nice smut between you and Kelly!

Machine Gun Kelly + His Band

JP Cappelletty/Rook NSFW Alphabet

Nine Inch Nails/Trent Reznor

Trent Reznor NSFW Alphabet

Dating Trent Reznor Would Include

Type O Negative

Peter Steele NSFW Alphabet

Def Leppard

Steve Clark NSFW Alphabet

Aerosmith

Joe Perry NSFW Alphabet

Rammstein

Till x British! Reader x Richard Smut: A threesome between Till, Richard and the reader; they really, really like your accent.

[oneweekoneband]

In the first cold hours of a new December morning, Taylor Swift once again revealed herself to be the primary antagonist in my hero’s journey. Weary and woebegone as I am, I will not waste strength on any attempt to deny that this latest attack has knocked me off balance, but I believe it is important that I—we, really, the lot of us who have been bloodied pitiably beneath this most brutal show of force—rebound immediately into a defensive posture so that there might be any hope at all for survival. Taylor’s second pandemic album will be released at midnight tonight, so I guess Shakespeare and his little “play” about elder abuse can get fucked after all. The album is called evermore. It was hubris, I can see in retrospect, which led me to tempt my enemy by writing all these words about her on this, the week of her birthday, knowing as I do that Taylor is one of those especially dangerous adults who make a big deal about both birthdays and lucky numbers. Icarus is my name now, covered in melted wax and tumbling to the sea. So as to steel ourselves for these horrors yet to come, I offer now, with not arrogance but the faith of the foolhardy, my best conjecture as to the content of each detestable track. 

willow - Could be about a tree. Could be about a girl. More likely it is both somehow, which is extremely pervy, and not just because that’s part of the plot of the unspeakably cursed The Raven Cycle novels, which I, a full blown adult with, generally speaking, normal brain function, voluntarily read for the first time this summer because some of us, ma’am, used the pandemic for activities that hurt only ourselves, not others. Well, happy holidays, tree fuckers.

champagne problems - Whatever this is, know that I will be considering it a work after Fall Out Boy’s “Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends” and I’ll be right to do so and many people will say as much admiringly and they’ll smile at me with pride and doff their caps as I go.

gold rush - If this song is anything but a loving, comprehensive summation of the children’s novel DEAR AMERICA Seeds of Hope: The Gold Rush Diary of Susanna Fairchild then I’m going to walk directly out of my home and, deadly virus be damned, keep walking until I’ve entered Taylor Swift’s instead, at which point I will begin to scream out a litany of complaints at the very top of my voice, ceasing only when her security team kills me or we fall in love.

tis the damn season - Worst case scenario this is a sad Christmas song (the best kind of Christmas song) and it devastates me in the most degrading way possible. Best case scenario it’s really bad and dumb and I can live without pain.

tolerate it - Many possibilities here. Could be about white-knuckling it through a period of depression, or a breakup. Most obviously, it could be about COVID-19 lockdowns keeping us trapped in our homes, disconnected from loved ones, going slow-brained and strange, bowls piling up, and suddenly so desperate for human interaction that even memories of having drinks with somebody from Hinge who quoted Friends twice in an hour are tantalizing in comparison to the touch-starved dreamstate of staying indoors... But I kinda feel like this is Taylor replying “COPE” from on high to my tweets about how I would rather be boiled alive than have to face the existence of this record.

no body, no crime (feat. Haim) - What would be very good is if this is a homosexual romp about Taylor Swift and the one hot Haim guitar girl with the really gay energy doing a murder together a la “Somethin’ Bad” by Miranda Lambert with Carrie Underwood, but honestly, it is probably another song about Gone Girl.

happiness - Impossible to speak on this since, thanks to Taylor Swift, happiness is something with which I have no familiarity. 

dorothea - Have seen chirping on the odious bird application about how perhaps this song title suggests that Taylor has written a song about Middlemarch, titling it for Dorothea Brooke, but I reject this because it implies that Taylor has read Middlemarch, which is a premise I cannot accept. Whether this refusal is out of self-preservation, being unwilling and in fact unable to face a world where Taylor Swift read and was moved to creation by the novel which was my most essential friend the summer I got dumped by a guy who I still had to work feet away from in a candle factory for another month, and about which Emily Dickinson (Emily Dickinson whose birthday it happens to be today, which isn’t to say that this means anything about anything. I am simply trying to batten down all hatches literally and spiritually in light of having been had once again by this numerology obsessed demon) once wrote "What do I think of Middlemarch? What do I think of glory.” or because I just at my core do not believe that Taylor has read a single book since Gone Girl I couldn’t possibly say.

coney island (feat. The National) : Some ungodly americana ass bullshit that is going to ruin my life. The thought of holy terror shaped like a horse girl Taylor Swift and trickster nymph in the body of a tax accountant Matt Berninger, two individuals I have allowed, separately, to cause me grievous psychic harm, having even the barest amount of one to one contact, even digitally, has made me want to peel all my skin off and put it back on flipped inside out so that I might, when I look in the mirror, see a version of myself which approximates how I feel.

ivy - Another song for the plant lesbians. That’s fine, and I’m happy for that community, but what I want to know, looking at this growing pile of songs named after women, is where, Taylor, is the song about loudmouth queen Inez, legendary gossip and, for my money, the star of folklore?  

cowboy like me - Putting it as mildly as humanly possible, to slit my throat would be less cruel. I am drawing a straight line from me writing illegible sequels to perfect film An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (itself a sequel) in crayon as a toddler, to Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” on the radio in my mom’s two door Honda, to me everyday after school in third grade changing into the cowboy costume my godmother bought, to me at fourteen internalizing a sense of righteous indignation that would take years to even begin to outgrow when Crash beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, to the winter I dropped half my classes out of fear and sickness and read paperback westerns on the twenty third floor of the college library for tens of hours at a go, to the profoundly gay episode of Supernatural called “Tombstone” which is, yes, named for the profoundly gay cowboy film Tombstone, to the inspired and revitalizing pause in “Space Cowboy” by Kacey Musgraves where she’s like, “You can have your space........ cowboy”, to Mitski’s Be the Cowboy, to the perfect boygenius cover of certified classic “Cowboy Take Me Away”, to whatever the hell this is going to be.That line is not to make a point at all. It’s just that there is a line and beside it there is me, incapacitated.

long story short - Just like all the other times anyone has ever invoked this phrase in the entire history of human beings expressing themselves with language, it is going to be a huge lie, because this woman never shuts up.

marjorie - After all that Taylor has put me through over the years, she should have at least named one of these wretched things “ellen” after my dead Sagittarian grandmother, whose birthday is tomorrow, December 11th, which is again, the release date of Taylor Swift’s second album in sixth months, but it’s probably for the best that she didn’t because you simpletons would immediately think it was an homage to George Bush’s friend Dory the fish, and therefore gay, regardless of the actual text of the song, and it’d be the “betty” massacre all over again. That being said, this is almost assuredly another horny song about some mid-century white lady. Only days ago Taylor was telling Entertainment Weekly that she’s been watching a lot of movies in quarantine, and while she didn’t name 1958’s Marjorie Morningstar starring Natalie Wood, I wouldn’t put it past her.

closure - God, I hope this one is another Kaylor classic so we can all act like complete raving lunatics online from the confines of our own plague quarters for a few days. It’s been a hard year.

evermore (feat. Bon Iver) - I’ll be catatonic by this point. Who cares?

right where you left me - Yes, in hell.

it’s time to go - Yes, TO HELL.

[safflowerseason]

I was wondering, finding tweets about the petition to have Anna Chlumsky and Reid Scott act opposite each other in a romcom, how do you think that besides any version of comedy show or film, that these two could star in a romance drama? Something sort of as heavy as the narrative and aura of Normal People, or another dark comedy like Fleabag - except has better writing until the ending unlike Veep? I keep trying to picture them away from playing characters with political careers; and mostly what I can imagine is them in an indie film about struggling in an already long time marriage, with the story tackling issues of depression, etc. but then it's just like playing Dan and Amy minus working for the White House. I honestly just need someone to erase their canon ending in Veep ):

Very sorry for the TLDR, but I think I'm never moving on from Dan Egan and Amy Brookheimer, so I just wanted to know your thoughts about this as one of the best fan-fiction writers out there with this ship.

Thank you!

Hi! Thank you so much for the Dan/Amy question...I haven't gotten one of those in far too long! And thank you especially for the super nice words about my writing.

First of all - there is an actual petition for Anna Chlumsky and Reid Scott to act opposite on one another in a romantic comedy? Where is this petition? Change.org?

More seriously, to your very interesting question, I do think it's worth pointing out the distinction between the actors themselves in a romantic drama and the characters of Dan and Amy. Do you want Reid Scott and Anna Chlumsky acting in characters similar to Dan and Amy, or do you just want to see them in anything romantic regardless of character? (ie, a Normal People-esque drama) As for RS and AC as actors, I actually haven't seen a whole lot of their work outside of Veep, so I don't have a super thoughtful take on whether or not I think they would be interesting to watch in some super serious, reflective drama. Like, I guess I can imagine it? I have to admit I didn't really like Normal People...I tried to watch the first few episodes and was bored out of my mind (existential angst and horniness are not an actual character traits on their own). It is admittedly hard for me to picture either actor in a series or film that requires as much silent looking and feeling as a Sally Rooney-esque romantic drama...I think both Chlumsky and Scott have particular energies as actors that are better suited to more "externalized" action. At the same time, it is easier for me to imagine Chlumsky in a strictly dramatic role as opposed to Scott, although I think with the right scene partner (like Chlumsky) he could do pretty well...their fight scene in 5.03 remains one of my favorite scenes in the show, and it's played completely seriously. But of course I could see the two of them acting together in a more typical love-hate romantic comedy, à la You've Got Mail or Ten Things I Hate About You. Or for something darker yet still technically romantic, a plot in the vein of You're the Worst, which I haven't seen but heard fantastic things about (and feels very appropriate for Dan and Amy).

As for Dan Egan and Amy Brookheimer *the characters*, Bring Me to Light and its universe is probably my answer to what kind of "dramatic" plot that I see as best suited to their particular relationship as outlined by the show in its first six seasons. While I hope BMTL is occasionally funny to read, it is fundamentally about the drama of Dan and Amy's relationship--but a drama that is deeply grounded in the everyday challenges of two dysfunctional people trying to maintain a functional relationship. The plot is really quite simple--Amy's dad dies, she and Dan are thrust into a bunch of emotionally charged-yet still typical and traditional social situations as a result, they fight about their relationship, and *vague spoiler alert* at some point they will make up. But I never even considered having Dan actually cheat on Amy, for example. Because of the way Veep constructed its interpersonal relationships in the first four years of the show, I've never found especially soapy personal drama very realistic to the characters. The biggest *gasp* moments in BMTL, in my opinion--not that there are really any gasp-worthy moments--have been due to the political/professional plot, not the personal.

As a result, I think the characters of Dan and Amy lend themselves especially well to workplace AUs, where they each have something else occupying their attention and motivation in addition to each other. As @thebookofmaev phrased it once, the key to both Dan and Amy is that they have something else they love just as much as they love one another--politics (and their careers). So in that sense, a plot that centralizes each character's endeavors beyond their personal lives would feel most like the Dan and Amy we encounter in the show.

I hope you found this answer as interesting as I found your question, Anon!

[himbowelsh]

Drunk BOB guys??? Who are the softie hug-loving cuddlers and who are the loud and obnoxious ones? The ones who break out of their shell when intoxicated? The unusually quiet ones? The ones who throw it tf back when Usher comes on? I'd love to hear some thots

oooooh my god okay okay, here are the biggest thots

Richard Winters:  Umm, alcohol whom? Has never been drunk in his life and doesn’t intend to start now. He gets all the buzz he needs off the exhilaration of a brisk jog, or a cool glass of water.

Lewis Nixon: The Literal Alcoholic. Thinks he’s more fun when he’s drunk than when he’s sober; is actually not a very fun drunk. Is even worse when he’s sobering up! At this point, he has to have some liquor in his system 99% of the time, otherwise his body feels like it’s out to destroy itself. (Alcoholism is a disease, boys and girls.) Nix buzzed is Nix at peak performance; he’s friendly, efficient, and capable. Nix drunk is a slowly spiralling plane crash. He usually passes out before he hits the ground, but god forbid he gets there, because...  it’s messy. He can occasionally be a messy, emotional, overdramatic drunk, but only when he’s really overdone it.

Carwood Lipton: The Respectable Drunk. A very calm, kind of sleepy drunk. Doesn’t get drunk often, even though he holds his liquor well, because he doesn’t prefer it  ---   when he’s had a few, he prefers to just watch the people around him, smiling and only half paying attention. His mind tends to wander when he’s drunk. Drunk Lip does have one fatal weakness:  if he’s out with his partner, and his partner shows even the slightest bit of encouragement, Lip will get riled up very quickly. He goes from calm drunk to horny drunk in a very short time; will eagerly press his partner up against the wall if given the chance. (Drunk Lip is way more inclined to PDA.)

Ron Speirs: The Soft Drunk. Literally, he’s such a tender drunk; he has absolutely no balance, and is a little confused, but he’s sweet, okay? Ron is far more expressive when he’s drunk; he gets touchier, ramblier, kinder. Drunk Ron has faith in humanity where Sober Ron gave up long ago. He’s a really relaxed drunk, unlikely to go off and do anything wild, but he wants to be around other people  ---  around his friends. Ron never has a good time when he drinks alone. (Plus, he’s got a reputation to uphold, and only certain people are allowed to see him with his guards down.)

Harry Welsh: The Bionic Drunk. Nothing can injure him; nothing can kill him. Many things have tried. Harry has done so much dumb shit when intoxicated, things that would have wounded him in a heartbeat if he was sober, and has never gotten a scratch to show for it. He’s a very fun drunk  ---  he laughs a lot, is very affectionate, and super pleasant to be around  ---  but common sense and self-preservation goes out the window. Look out, because he might too, if someone dared him.

Eugene Roe: The Changeling Drunk. Who is this man and what did he do with Doc Roe? Drunk Gene is...  an experience, alright? His inhibitions are gone. Suddenly, his personality has been turned up to eleven; he’s extroverted, he’s exciting, he laughs loudly and jokes around...  he’s dancing on top of the bar, holy shit. Is a very fun time, but you have to keep an eye on him, because he sometimes goes off and does something insane, a-la-Sober-Speirs. Drunk Gene fears nothing, including himself.

Joe Toye: The Depressed Drunk. Zoinks, Scoob. Drunk Joe is actually willing to talk about his emotions  ---  and maybe he shouldn’t, because he’s got some sad stuff going on there, man. Drinking is supposed to numb your worries, but Joe often finds the opposite is the case; his burdens somehow get heavier, harder to ignore, and if he’s allowed to slip into them he’ll end up dwelling in them for the rest of the night. So long as he’s around buddies who are actively keeping his spirits up, he’s a decent drunk guy to have around. If neglected, however, Drunk Joe may shed a few tears into his Guinness.

George Luz: The Showman Drunk. His jokes and impressions get way sloppier, but somehow he’s twice as hilarious, so he can get away with it. Drunk George is way more animated, with a seemingly endless supply of energy; he teases everybody, he laughs the loudest in the room, and he really seems like he’s just come out to have a good time. The kind of buddy you want to get drunk with.  (Be warned: comes with a rarely activated Depressed Drunk mode, when he shuts off and wants to be left the hell alone. Maybe his battery runs out after a while or something. During this time, George is feeling a lot of things very strongly; this condition is best treated with a cozy blanket and glass of water. Very rare, but once you’ve seen him in this state, you can never unsee it.)

Bill Guarnere: The Loud Drunk. Is there a difference between sober Bill and drunk Bill? Debateable. Drunk Bill is just Bill turned up to eleven. He doesn’t actually get drunk a lot  ---  somehow he ends up the designated driver, and minds less than he should  ---  but social drinking usually leads to Bill shouting over a crowded bar. He’s usually up for a good time, he just has no volume control. (Also, the accent. It thickens. Can someone translate, please? Is he speaking English? What the hell is he saying?)

Babe Heffron: The Weird Drunk. Drunk Babe will break it down on the dance floor (should he? maybe not) and do his president rooster impression in public, but he’s equally likely to just...  confuse everybody else. He’s got a lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings. Some of them are about the meaning of life, some of them are about the best kind of sandwich bread, some of them are about whether the Loch Ness Monster has a favorite type of bird.  He talks so much when he’s drunk, and will ramble anyone’s ear off about any of these topics. Escape while you can.

Joseph Liebgott: The Volatile Drunk. Really a mixed bag; you never know what you’re going to get from him. Sometimes, Joe can be a very fun drunk, the life of the party, willing to do anything anybody dares him to. That’s if he’s drinking in a good mood. If he starts drinking in a sour mood, it’ll only get worse from there. Honestly, he can be a mean drunk. He lashes out at people, gets angry, sometimes starts crying...  it’s not great. You have to keep tabs on him while he’s drinking, because if his mood looks like it’s dipping, he should not be allowed any more alcohol.

David Kenyon Webster: The Emotional Drunk. He’s just...  got a lot of feelings! And he really wants to talk about them! Becomes extremely talkative while drunk; this is not always a good thing, because he’s pronouncedly less eloquent. Drunk Web is very passionate about politics...  and the environment... and marine biology...  and the commercialization of public holidays. He has something to say about most things. Sometimes he’s just muttering to himself, and no one can keep up with what he’s saying. Makes so many notes, either in his phone or scribbling them down on napkins, because he’s “going to need to remember this”, but they’re all illegible come morning. Feels things very strongly. Might cry.

Johnny Martin: The Feral Drunk. Wrangling Johnny when he’s had a few too many is an experience. Holy shit, this man knows no fear. Drunk Johnny has 5x less patience for everyone’s bullshit, and wants them to know it. The amount of bar fights this man has gotten into... the best part is, he’s never lost. (Yeah, because he has Bull right there to make sure his drunk friend doesn’t get himself killed.)

Frank Perconte: The Confused Drunk. Only kind of knows where he is. Complains a lot; puts things down, misplaces them, and blames someone else for taking them. Drunk Perco has a ‘Real Housewives at Brunch’ mode, only activated when someone gives him tequila; he will scream and throw drinks. Otherwise he’s just kind of tiresome and needs someone to make sure he makes it home okay.

Floyd Talbert: The Mom Drunk. Yes, he did just do four shots of gin, but he’s still going to make sure everyone else is drinking water and not wandering off with anyone creepy. Drunk Floyd’s got an eye on everyone; he’s kind of the mama hen wrangling all her chicks, making sure they don’t stray far. He parties like a frat boy, but will wrangle everyone like a girl scout mother. 

Shifty Powers: The Missing Drunk. What the hell? What happened, where did he go? He was sitting right there a second ago  ---   when he’s drunk, Shifty tends to wander. He just likes the quiet. His friends will always find him in bizarre places, after a few minutes of panicked searching. Once, he was laying on top of a car; once he was on the club’s roof. He’s fine, he knows where he is, he’s just thinking about stuff.

Donald Malarkey: The Absurdly Lucky Drunk. He’s got some Irish faeries looking out for him or something, because Drunk Don is literally living his best life. If he gambles, he’s going to win. If he misplaces his wallet, he’s going to find it with an extra $30 inside. If he trips, he’s going to land in an attractive person’s lap. Everyone wants to be in proximity to Drunk Don, not only because he’s a pretty good  (if emotional)  time, but because some of his luck might rub off.

Skip Muck: The Giggly Drunk. What’s so funny? No one knows. Skip might not even know, but he’s going to laugh anyways, because everything is hilarious. He somehow tells even better jokes when drunk, but he laughs at them himself, so that measures it out. He effortlessly makes himself the life of the party; Skip will get up and karaoke with the band, cheer all his friends on in their dumb shit, drink way more than he reasonably should...  going out drinking with Skip is always a great time.

Herbert Sobel: The Alarmingly Fun Drunk. No, I’m not going to elaborate. Fill in the mental images yourself.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Is it unheard of for someone to, uh, "develop a libado" well into their late 20's

So uh I started googling around about libados and such. And it turns out taking care of your self ie: eating better, exercising, meditating, having a healthy sleep schedule will increase libado, while being stressed and depressed will lower it. So that explains why I had absolutely no interest during my teenage years. And now that I've been taking and maintaining steps to live a happier and healthier life, it is becoming an interest, and I'm not a fan. Google does not however tell me how to stop

hi anon,

I’ve made the presumption of assuming both of these asks were from the same person based on your unique spelling of libido, and will answer accordingly.

it sounds like you’ve already answered your first question. if you’ve spent much of your life dealing with various physical and mental stressors (and you have my sympathy on that front; I’m glad to hear you’re doing better now), it’s not surprising that your libido didn’t show itself until later in life. not to get too technical on you, but being horny takes energy that you may not have if depression and stress are eating up all your resources, and it’s not uncommon for people to report vast fluxes in how they experience sexuality in tandem with improving or worsening mental health. 

now, onto your second question: you seem to be asking me how to stop having a libido, which is... not a thing I or probably anyone else can tell you how to do? it’s as involuntary as breathing and consists of a complex cocktail of biological and mental factors too fine to parse out and identify individually; I’m trying and utterly failing to come up with a suitable analogy for how complicated it would be to turn that off. that’s how complicated it would be!

I guess you could uuuuh give up all the things you’ve done to increase your own health and happiness to see if that tanks your libido again, but that seems a little drastic and I don’t think either of us want you to do that.

however, I do have some good news: although you don’t really get a say in your own sex drive, you are still an autonomous person with a brain who’s capable of making decisions about your own actions, and absolutely no one is demanding that you do anything to act on your newfound sexual urges. don’t want to have sex or masturbate or do anything even remotely in that ballpark? cool! love that for you! don’t do it, then.

“but Makenzie,” you might be saying, “having these thoughts is irritating and I don’t like it.” I mean, sure. but having unwanted, irritating thoughts is part of life, my peep. I cannot BEGIN to tell you how many times a day I think about having a case of lofthouse sugar cookies for dinner or spending Way Too Much Money on a Lirika Matoshi dress. but I ignore those thoughts and move on because, again, the irritating pleasure-seeking lizard that lives in my brain may be loud, but it’s not running the show.