aliafaq-blog1

[flagellant]

I remember you once giving an EXCELLENT explanation of how magic “Doesn’t Exist but is Real” and how that kind of contradiction and reconciling it is so powerful?

Whenever you feel like answering this could you restate those concepts? I am working on actually thinking about my Practice and it’s Methods more lately and I feel that I highly agree with that sentiment you gave, but Tumblr’s search sucks.

I think I’m just now understanding a lot of that much more than when it was first said so I’d like to compare when you’re able to restate it

Religion isn't unscientific at its core. I think that's how I might phrase the contradiction these days: the idea that religion is fundamentally not unscientific at its core. Whatever else you can say about it.

Religion is fundamentally magical thinking, though, or at least often incorporates magical thinking. Religion is a sort of magic, also, after all--organized or unorganized, it is belief in something else. Something unexplainable. The idea that there is something you cannot see or cannot understand, but that this something matters to you, to your world.

And looking back, we see religion form again and again, in vacuums and when cultures meet and share and intermingle or oppose. Studying history at the end of the day will always require at least a little bit of studying religion with it. It is omnipresent--for better and for worse--in the way that it affects us, changes how we think, influences how we behave, structures the societies we live in.

Humans are illogical creatures, made of emotions and subjective dread. Magical thinking is fundamentally illogical. It is an attempt to find and understand reason in darkness, to comprehend the things we only see in the peripheries of our visions--but not always. Only often.

Because just as much as religion is magical and illogical, it was often borne out of our craving for understanding, for logic or explanation. We see a rainbow in the sky and we do not know where it comes from, or why we can never seem to reach it, so we try and find a logical explanation for this apparent impossible thing. The answer is magic--fairies, gods, witches. Or perhaps we look at the catastrophe of a storm, look at the all-encompassing wreckage of our homes, and we need to find a reason why this could happen to us. This couldn't be an accident, it has to be by design, because if it happened for a reason, we can understand it; we can give ourselves, if only slightly, the illusion of control. We propitiate an angry god, or we find someone who we have decided isn't like us and blame them for it.

Because the thing is, as much as we are creatures of illogic, we are terrified of it. It becomes existential rather quickly--the idea that all of this is for nothing, for random accidents, that you or your community isn't special or noteworthy or safe? The idea that your pain is shapeless and your terror is aimed at nothing at all? That's hard to imagine, let alone to find comfort in. Gods give a shape to the suffering. The invention of them is one which lets us take the illogical thinking and turn it against illogical thinking. Yes, it is unreasonable. No, it doesn't make sense. It is emphatically unempirical and there will likely never be any concrete proof of any religion's magical thinking being definitively confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt as True.

But it isn't unscientific. It was borne out of the same reason as science, the desire to understand and comprehend. It went only in a different direction than scientific thought did.

The space between science and religion is the difference between what exists and what is real. We walk along paths of trying to understand the world around or within us, and the paths in between those two points is where magic can be found. Neither existing nor unreal.

[fortisfilia]

Promised Part 13 - Tom Riddle x reader

Info: This is a rewrite of a story I've posted on my old account years ago. If it sounds familiar, that might be why :)

Summary: In this story, Tom didn't grow up as an orphan, but with his grandfather and uncle. Reader's sister got very sick and the Gaunts offer their help. But not without asking for something in return.

Warnings: Arranged marriage

Word count: 3k

Masterpost | Masterlist | Part 12 | Part 14

Part 13 - Pranks and proper Paybacks

The quill in your hand scratched lightly over the parchment as you were taking notes for Astronomy in the library. It was quiet, as usual, except for the occasional questions and thereof resulting explanations between Ben and Camille. She helped him study for his upcoming Herbology exam, for which he clearly hadn’t revised enough yet. Silly boy.

Tom was there too and sat next to you, completing the quartet round the table. He tried his best not to hiss at them every time Ben asked something. You noticed from the corner of your eye, how he gulped down every thought that built up in his head when another word poured from Ben’s mouth. It was amusing seeing Tom battling with himself to keep his cool. He still didn’t like Ben very much and would much rather study with you alone. But the fact that he had voluntarily sat down with the three of you, tried to behave and didn’t yell at Ben whenever he opened his mouth, was a sign that he probably didn’t hate him as much as he pretended to.

“So, about the Fluxweed again,” Ben whispered, browsing through his book. “How many days does it have to grow?”

Camille was about to answer when Tom pressed his palm against his forehead and exhaled dramatically. “Sixteen, Ben. It’s sixteen. She’s told you that three times at least.”

Ben took a quick look at Tom, while still fumbling through the book. “I know, mate. I just can’t memorise it. Why do I even need to know that?”

Tom flung a piece of parchment toward him, pointing at the empty sheet. “Write it down, then. There are some things you must know. Get over it.”

“Alright, alright,” Ben grinned, apparently not caring about Tom’s tone at all. “I’ll write it down, see? Fluxweed takes thirteen days to grow. Happy now?”

“Sixteen,” Camille, Tom and you sighed in unison.

“Oh.” He crossed out the number and sloppily wrote the correct one above it. “Sixteen then.”

Camille and you chuckled to yourselves while Tom only shook his head slightly, his eyes back inside his own book. Ben certainly was careless, or to be more precise, a lot more careless than Camille, Tom and you when it came to grades. The way he talked about homework and even exams was astonishing. He hadn’t even studied for his O.W.L. in Care for Magical Creatures in his fifth year, and he still got an ‘Exceeds Expectations’. Or so he had told you. He'd always found a way to talk his way out of things, unsurprisingly. Teachers really seemed to like him. Or rather do anything to stop him from talking once in a while. 

“Oh, wait,” Ben said again.

“Just read your book,” Tom grunted.

“No, hang on.”

Ben stood up and stretched his arm out quickly, reaching and grasping for something to your left. You all turned your heads and saw him catching something that had been flying right at you.

“I might be bad at Herbology. But you’re lucky I’m a bloody good Seeker,” he said and twisted the thin thing between his fingers.

“What is it?” Camille asked. “Let me see.”

Ben put the thing down on the desk, still pressing his index finger on top of it. “It’s a quill. I think it’s jinxed. It was flying on its own and headed right for your face,” he said and looked at you. “Still wants to, I can feel it moving.”

The grey quill twitched eagerly beneath Ben’s hand, trying to escape and pointed its sharp tip right at you, ready to pierce into your skin. 

“Not again,” you mumbled.

“Again?” 

Things, odd things, had been happening during the week. Someone had played some pranks and antics on you. You hadn’t found out who it was yet, but it certainly had become pesky. On Monday, someone had left you a note that said Professor Merrythought wanted a word with you. Once you had arrived at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, however, you were met with a confused teacher and had a hard time explaining yourself. Tuesday, someone had poured Rash Powder over your dinner. You had almost taken a bite but thankfully had noticed the unfamiliar smell in time. Wednesday was more subtle. There had been puddles and slippery spots everywhere you stepped. Avoiding them had been a tedious task. And now, on Thursday, this. The quill didn’t look like it could badly injure you, but its vivid nature was a sign for a hex, rather than a jinx. No matter who it was, all those things did tear on your nerves. Not only because the pranks got to you, but because there was a possibility someone had been following you without you noticing. Every time you had gone to the Come and Go Room you had turned around and checked if someone was behind you, just in case. That was the exhausting part.

“Just some pranks,” you explained. “I don’t know who or why, but it’s getting fairly ridiculous.”

“Could someone”-Ben puffed-“stop this thing? It’s trying to escape.”

Tom pointed his wand directly at the quill and rolled his wrist. It lit up for a fraction of a second and crumbled to dust right after.

“Ouch,” Ben yelped and fanned his hand through the air hastily before putting his index inside his mouth. “Thanks, mate.”

Tom smirked, partly for the spell he had just cast and partly for burning Ben’s fingertip. “Anytime, mate.”

Camille dragged her finger through the ashes, took a good look at them and rubbed it off between her index and her thumb. “Who would do that?”

“I don’t know,” you answered.

“Avery and Lestrange again, perhaps?”

“Unlikely,” Tom said. “I checked on them some days ago. They’re still with Carpe most of the time, scrubbing the floors and polishing trophies. And besides, they wouldn’t dare.”

“Who else could it be then?” Camille asked as she blew the remaining ashes off the desk with a quick cleaning spell.

The four of you exchanged looks around the table. “To be honest,” Tom began. “I was suspecting you for a while, Ben.”

“Me?” Ben asked wide-eyed. “Why would I do that? I just stopped that quill.”

“‘I’m aware, I’ve seen that now.”

Camille hummed, deep in thought. “Wait,” she said. “What about Freda? Freda Morris.”

“The head girl?” Ben asked.

“Yes,” she said. “She was so jealous at Slughorn’s party, wasn’t she?”

Tom looked at you, biting on the inside of his lower lip, then nodded. “That doesn’t sound too far-fetched.”

“I wouldn’t have thought she’d be so creative,” you said while picking up your books. “Well, I’ll keep an eye on her then.”

Once you had gathered your things, you got up and waited for Tom to do the same.

“Where are you going?” Camille asked. “It’s not even seven yet.”

“I have to,” you stopped yourself. You had to tend to the potion in the Come and Go Room again. Needless to say, you couldn’t tell them that. “I have to go and look after Nagini. The snake. She’s shedding at the moment. Talk to you soon.”

“Let us know if something else happens,” Camille said and waved you goodbye. 

Tom followed you silently. Of course, they didn’t ask him why he had to come and check on Nagini as well. The perks of being intimidating. Apart from this, Camille and Ben surely didn’t mind studying without him nagging all the time.

On your way out, right when you left the library and headed toward the grand staircase, Tom and you were halted by another student. Platinum blonde and blue-eyed, Abraxas Malfoy, who was one of Tom’s ever so devious sycophants, locked eyes with him. 

“Tom,” he greeted and stopped right in his tracks.

“Abraxas,” Tom replied.

Oh, what did he want now? There wasn’t a lot of time until the potion had to be stirred, so hopefully Malfoy wouldn’t keep you from going any longer.

“So,” Abraxas began. “I’ve seen, you like to keep new company these days.”

Tom frowned and looked over his shoulder. Clearly, Abraxas didn’t mean you. “What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything,” he said and chortled a sour laugh. “I’m just observing. You’re dealing with mudbloods now?”

He was talking about Ben. Malfoy and Tom’s other ‘friends’ had probably seen you in the library together. Or in the Three Broomsticks, some weeks ago. Abraxas must have felt really brave to talk to the head boy in this way. His chest was swollen with pride and the glint in his gaze spoke more than he could have ever said. He was out to get something from this conversation.

Tom only exhaled sharply and stared back at Malfoy, unconcerned about his reproach. “And how come that’s any of your business, exactly?”

“Oh, it isn’t of course,” Abraxas answered. “I was just surprised. Shocked even.”

“I do apologize,” Tom sneered, clicking his tongue in fake sympathy. “That the gathering of other people, who don’t concern you in the slightest, has ruined your precious day.”

Abraxas stared back at him, obviously trying hard to keep calm. His smile still sat neatly on his face; it was his eyes that betrayed him. “No need to worry about me. I merely started thinking, daydreaming, that your Grandfather might not appreciate that.”

Tom took a step closer, his nostrils flared for a moment and a vein on his neck stood out. “Abraxas,” he whispered so spitefully, it almost sounded like he was talking in Parseltongue, words spilling out of him like pure venom. “I’d advise you to worry about your own life. Because if you don’t, wouldn’t it be tragic if your Mother found out what happened last year at your house? When the maid left and never came back? What was the reason again? If only I remembered. Oh, I do.”

Malfoy’s expression changed momentarily, his head sunk and his eyes darted across the floor, trying hard to think of what to answer.

“Do we understand each other?” Tom asked.

Abraxas nodded, lips thin and full of fury. He instinctively retracted and took a step back, keeping his head low and looked up at Tom through knitted brows.

“Good,” Tom said and left Malfoy standing there. 

Continuing to walk to the grand staircase, he appeared like nothing but a casual chat between two friends had just happened. 

“Well,” you said after Abraxas was out of earshot. “That was interesting.”

“They’re all so stupid, sometimes I wonder how they’ve lived this long,” Tom replied. “I have dirt on every single one of them. And they try to blackmail me. Ridiculous.”

“Idiots indeed,” you shook your head. “Do I want to know what happened to the maid?”

“You don’t. It’s a long, repulsive story.”

No doubt it was. Abraxas was known for his dreadful ways and how he had tormented younger students ever since. He wasn’t like Avery or Lestrange, a dumb follower, who had Hippogriff crap for brains. No, he was mindful, awfully aware of his surroundings and constantly seemed to brood about his next step. He reminded you of Marvolo, they both had the same aura, cold and demeaning, always looking for ways to take advantage of other people’s misery. It was no surprise that he had tried to intimidate Tom, maybe even pass him in their hierarchy by threatening to tell everyone about his association with a muggle-born. But he hadn’t thought it through. Tom Riddle wasn’t one to mess with and he had just made that crystal clear. Ben might have not been his friend, but still, he hadn’t let Abraxas speak ill of him.

“I wouldn’t have thought you liked Ben,” you said once you turned another corner.

Tom opened his mouth and looked at you in disbelief for a moment, as if you had just insulted him, before he started talking. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, it just seemed like it. You came to his defence so quickly. That’s why I assumed.”

“This wasn’t about Hilt. It was about me, Marvolo and that bootlicker Malfoy.”

“Whatever you say,” you grinned while Tom rolled his eyes.

Friday evolved to be the worst day of the week. Not only had you almost gotten detention for falling victim to a Knockback jinx during Defence Against the Dark Arts if Camille hadn’t come to your rescue. Professor Merrythought still hadn’t forgotten about your visit on Monday and thought you were trying to disturb her lesson again. But in addition, your curriculum almost hindered you from tending to your potion completely. It had become nearly impossible to handle everything at once. Your classes, homework, studying for the N.E.W.T.s, taking care of the antidote and on top of all that, those stupid pranks. It had been draining and your body ached for a bit of rest. 

On your way to Tom’s dorm, when the sun had already set and you were finally done with everything for the day, you heard the clink of a door handle turning behind you. It almost had gone overheard, the only thing you wanted to do was sit down for a moment and unwind, even if only for an hour. You had already reached the door to Tom’s room and could have just entered to forget about the world for a while. But there was this unsettling feeling inside of you and Camille’s words from the library ran through your head again. You turned around. And thank Merlin you did.

Freda Morris stood in her door frame, smirking with her wand pointed right at you. She must have been taken by surprise, it didn’t seem like she had expected you to look at her. Her wand sank in an instant before she hid it behind her back.

“You,” you muttered, taking some steps her way. “It was you all week, wasn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, mocking you with a smile.

“Just admit it at least. Coward. You know exactly what I’m talking about and you were just trying to do it again, weren’t you?”

Freda shook her head and put a strand of hair behind her ear with her skinny fingers. “I’m head girl, dear. I would never do anything to harm another student if that is what you’re implying. I don’t know what could have given you the idea.”

“Oh shut up,” you spat. “Head girl, yes. An awful excuse for one at best.”

The door behind you opened and Tom appeared from inside. He looked out into the hallway frowning. “What’s all that noise about?”

“Your fiancée’s throwing a fit.”

“Camille was right,” you said, still not taking your eyes off Freda. “It was her. The note, the quill and everything else. I just caught her right in the act.”

Freda heaved one single, shrill laugh at your words and straightened her posture. “I just told you, I would never do such things.”

“What were you doing then? Pointing your wand at me, when I have my back turned on you.”

She pondered, taken aback, while she looked at Tom beside you until her grin appeared back on her face. “You’re imagining things. I was just leaving my room to go and talk to Professor Dippet. That’s when you started to yell at me for no reason.”

“Liar!”

She didn’t lower herself to even look at you anymore. Instead, she looked at Tom. “Is this really what you look for in a woman? Hysterical and hostile? I would have thought you had better taste.”

The need to go up to her and slap her across the face seemed almost unbearable. Your hands were balled into fists and it took all your might not to take out your wand and pay her back everything she had done to you, times ten. Tom on the other hand stayed calm and smiled weakly while looking back at her.

“Don’t worry about my taste, Freda,” he said. “I’d rather worry about your memory. Maybe you haven’t been informed, which would be very unfortunate seeing that you are head girl, but Professor Dippet isn’t in Hogwarts today. He’s been called in by the Wizengamot. How could you have been on your way to him then?”

Freda’s smile faltered, her eyes darting back and forth between Tom and you. “I must have not gotten his owl then.”

“Certainly,” Tom said. “I want a word. Now.”

“No,” you intervened and he stopped his movements to look at you. “I can do this myself.”

Tom stepped back with a small smirk on his face. Freda was in for a treat. You walked up to her until there was only a hand’s breadth of space between your faces.

“Listen now,” you said, your heart pumping strongly inside your chest. “I don’t know what you were thinking. If you were thinking. But I swear, if you ever play another of your pranks on me again, I-”

“You what?” she asked and shoved you by the shoulder. “Do you think I’m scared of you?”

The moment she had touched you, you felt something moving by your feet. Nagini had slithered out through Tom’s open door and hissed louder than you had ever heard before. Freda gasped and took several steps backwards, startled by the snake. Nagini placed herself between the two of you and reared up, looking as huge and aggressive as ever. Her hisses were meant for one person only and when you looked back at Tom, you recognised that he wasn’t talking to the snake. She had come to your defence on her own.

“Take that thing away,” Freda yelled. “Make it stop.”

“Or what?” you asked. “You might have not been scared of me yet, but I promise you, give me one more reason and you will be.”

She didn’t dare answer, still looking down at Nagini in utmost panic and trying to foresee every move the snake was about to make. You savoured on the sight for a moment, fervently enjoying how Freda fumbled for the doorknob behind herself.

“Come Nagini,” you then said as you turned around. “Leave her alone. For now.”

Masterpost | Masterlist | Part 14

Tags: @ariachaos @daardyrnitta

[arceespinkgun]

Prev post: okay, I think I've collected my thoughts now... wow. TF One might be the worst TF thing I've seen. I hope there's value in somebody who's within the fandom who didn't like it sharing their takes. I'd assumed I might think the movie was generic and have no real thoughts? But instead I thought it was shockingly bad in two kinds of way! One way is things that feel disrespectful or like they're squandering ideas from the rest of the franchise, but that someone who knows nothing about TF wouldn't notice. Obviously, most TF things have their own unique lore and characterizations... but that doesn't mean any choice is a good one or worth making IMO, which ties into the other kind of problems the movie had, which are major issues with the film that anybody could notice. The film doesn't work as its own story and falls apart.

I didn't dislike absolutely everything, I thought there were some nice details, but those things were minor in the grand scheme of things like some designs of characters and some setpieces (others were bad). Most of it was terrible IMO, and I think it really stands out because Earthspark and Skybound are running right now and are good?

I'll start with things that feel like they're a waste in the context of other TF stuff since they're less important overall:

He didn't do anything bad in the film, but I always think it's concerning to associate the Decepticons (or other bad guys like Sentinel) with Megatronus, who fans will know as the Fallen who's like the Devil in most things where he appears.

Similarly, and I'll get into this more later, but while I think it's totally fine for a vessel of knowledge like the Matrix to screen whether someone's a good leader, I think it's dangerous to imply that good guys are blessed by Primus and bad guys aren't (also, maybe a good leader can be a bad person), and I prefer the Matrix to change based on who is using it. These are transformers, I think Primus should be a part of all of them. As a Marvel fan I remember when Galvatron (a Unicronian! Who's a bad guy!) still got to get help from Primus and inspire everybody to fight Unicron and stuff despite being an evil guy, which I think is a better route to take.

Why are characters saying "Hell?"

Optimus, Megatron, and Bumblebee all get to have different designations initially, but Elita-1 doesn't. She's not originally Ariel or anything and doesn't get that aspect of transformation to her story. I feel like when Optimus became Optimus Prime she should've been pissed that suddenly she's not the only one named "best first" lol

Elita-1's design also doesn't reflect her usual appearance very well, lacking almost every identifiable feature and looking really similar to Arcee.

Transformers One? More like Transformers One face is all the Quintessons get (how are they Quintessons with only one?!) lol

Airachnid feels so disrespected in this movie, she's previously been a somewhat independent villain, but in this film she's almost like Sentinel's secretary and her motivations for being devoted to him are never explained. I was eager to see her explored more and I like a spider-like drone being her alt-mode so I'm disappointed.

It feels pretty lazy for so many characters to have similar origins to each other, and makes the cast feel less diverse. There also seemed to be a plot hole where Ratchet is both a doctor and was shown mining.

A bit creepy to imply that we need an explanation for Starscream to have a high voice and the explanation is violence. Was that necessary?

The characterization choices are very bizarre, to the point of feeling like those old Shattered Glass comics? Optimus is oddly violent, even grinning when he injured another racer early in the film, Megatron starts out meek and is an activist with genuinely positive intentions, Elita-1 also starts out as oddly violent and behaves in a very Prowl-like manner, Shockwave is a wimp despite being part of the High Guard (the future Decepticons were oddly wimpy in general given their origins)... it's very strange, and I don't see the need to do this because it adds nothing to the story to alter them this way.

See above, but wow as a Jazz fan this movie hurt me lol With the little characterization we get to see of him in the cameos, we see Jazz walking back asking to left behind so the others can save themselves, saying he didn't really mean the self-sacrificial thing?! Jazz, the very selfless Autobot in basically everything else he appears in, is saying this?! And they had him be the one telling Orion there's no way he and his fellow miners could fight back!!! Ew!!!

Generally, Sentinel Prime when he's been villainous has had motivations more complex than "I'll betray everybody because I'm greedy and power-hungry and bored." I think there could have been a lot more nuance going on here.

But these are all minor things. Here are the major problems that have nothing to do with the TF franchise:

While some shots looked cool, the art was very inconsistently-modeled and textured, there wasn't a cohesive style, and the fight scenes did not have good choreography for the most part, looking very messy.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH'S VOICE ACTING IS SO BAD. For example, he delivers the worst "Roll out" I have ever heard and I cringed almost every time he spoke LMAO

Orion was incredibly annoying to me the entire time and it read like Megatron just got sick of his shit and that's why he turned "evil!"

Bumblebee contributed nothing to the story.

It would make more sense to me for Elita-1 to be less detached pre-War and then the burden of leadership causing her to become more detached because she needs to be, the reverse is odd.

Given when this movie released, oof I hated Starscream saying that thing about a "unified Cybertron" being a myth. Read the room, guys....

They must have been high off those T-cogs because wow. Megatron, Optimus, and Elita don't naturally develop. It's genuinely like a coin flips and they're given different characterizations. Megatron in the cave literally starts talking about how he just wishes he could keep sucking up to Sentinel but then suddenly starts acting like Megatron in an instant, like a switch is flipped??? It also very much felt like a switch was flipped between Megatron being sad and baffled when Orion took the shot, to Megatron dropping him. Elita's pep talk to Optimus felt incredibly unearned and we didn't see her slowly change over time. Optimus genuinely felt like a different guy when giving the speech to those miners. Watching the film was surreal because of this issue.

Violent revolution isn't immoral in the circumstances we see in the movie. But Optimus claims Megatron became just as bad as Sentinel Prime, who mutilated them and made them slaves and lied to them and sold them out to Quintesson rulers because...??? Megatron killed Sentinel, the guy responsible for their enslavement... and shot some statues of the guy? That's literally it. What...? At least in other media where the Decepticons started as activists, they'd do something actually evil too or become corrupt or something. That still always feels like villainizing revolution, but at least it's something. Here, Megatron did literally nothing wrong in the entire movie and was banished for... no reason?

It can't be because of the violence, either. It's not like Optimus just really believes in the sanctity of life. Optimus, Elita, and Bumblebee were way more violent than Megatron was! Optimus ripped a guy in half!!! Bumblebee was slicing people open and Optimus's only reaction to him doing that was to be like, lol you can do that later, buddy. Elita used violence to get Shockwave and Soundwave to listen to her, but for some reason when Megatron does that to Starscream it's meant to be foreshadowing that he'll become evil? Why, it's literally the same thing, so why was Optimus shocked there but not at Elita punching Shockwave in the eye? Also, don't tell me that all the people Optimus, Elita, and Bumblebee were murdering weren't alive, because I heard one quip like they were sentient.

Because Elita-1 and Bumblebee were pretty violent, sometimes more than Megatron was throughout the film, why did they attack Megatron and think he'd start killing people when he shot some statues of propaganda? They should have been all for it given they were ripping actual people apart! Wasn't Elita very much like Megatron for like 50 minutes of this film? Also, Bumblebee and Elita came at Megatron with weapons drawn... why are the Autobots attacking the Decepticons first in this movie?! This is the weakest and most hypocritical origin of the War I've ever seen! Even if Megatron was endangering people by shooting the propaganda, Elita and Bumblebee coming at him with weapons and Optimus banishing him is a shocking overreaction.

The Primes would not fucking say that Optimus sacrificing himself for the guy who murdered them all was "noble sacrifice" for the "greater good." How would it be that??? Also, as a TF fan, you're telling me all of those Primes would have that take? NO.

Optimus literally poses like a propaganda mural of Sentinel, the dictator, when he heals the planet after banishing the guys who did a lot of the fighting. The movie literally somehow made him just like the villain? Why does this feel like Shattered Glass where Optimus is a dictator and Megatron was an activist and Primus is evil?

This movie is so misogynistic. I already described how poorly Airachnid was treated and how there are some issues with Elita-1 as well, but also, it somehow both pitted the two women with no relationship to each other against each other in their climactic fight, but also didn't even have them quip at each other. This movie didn't even pass the Bechdel test?! Even some of the most problematic TF media I've seen managed that. Also, some of the first things Orion and Bumblebee do when they have an interaction with Elita-1 is to hit on her and get turned down. Ew!!!

I also have to say I find it concerning that we have: male and female leads Optimus and Elita, who are voiced by white people, a comic relief who added nothing, Bumblebee, voiced by a Black voice actor, Alpha Trion, the guy who gives them all powers and then is murdered, voiced by a Black voice actor, and Megatron, who is villainized for things that the other leads also did and for staging a violent revolution, voiced by a Black voice actor....

Silliest thing for last: wow the Decepticon logo being a sticker that Megatron fanboys over that is then carved into his chest by Sentinel is such hilarious and cringe-inducing dissonance... and dumb XD

[st-asya]

I think I've got too much time on my hands, and it shows. That's another endless post. I know I read too much into the plot (I've got another explanation of everything that's written there and it's WAY less complicated), but I could not stop writing it, and at some point it started to make sense, so...

s1ep3

Look, I guess Izzy is a controversial character, I don't really have a solid opinion on him yet, this post is not to be seen as hate towards him, I'm trying to understand the reason he behaves the way he does, I'm not terribly successful in doing that yet, but I've only just begun.

Izzy: Honestly, I really don't think this Bonnet is worth your time.

Blackbeard: So, he's a fancy man with a fancy ship, and he travels with a brigade of imbeciles. Do I have that right?

• First of all I don't recall hearing the word 'imbecile(s)' that often anywhere but this show, that's just a little linguistic(al?) observation. 'Travel' is a pretty interesting word to use in this scene, but it's very fitting.

• Love the way Blackbeard straight up ignores Izzy's line to get to the point.

Blackbeard: And he bested you at swordplay. (that gesture, as if words are not enough to make a point, he wants Izzy to pay extra attention)

Izzy immediately takes the bait (cause of course he does, that was the whole point of this trap)...

...and finishes it off with complete self-obliteration. I'm not even sure if he realises he's basically being ridiculed cause it's way more important for him to keep things professional (even in front of a person who's very well aware he doesn't need to cuz there's nothing to prove, there's a reason he became first mate, I think), to prove he messed up because of the 'imbeciles' (as if it's their fault). I'm not saying he's dumb (he's very far from being dumb), he just might be too caught up in being offended, he's pissed. He does understand (I guess) that this kind of response is immature (cause these are excuses), but it's hard to think rationally when your pride is hurt, the first thing he thinks about is to hurt the offender right back, it's automatic. You actually gotta have an impressive control over your irrational emotions to realise you're wrong and shut up when all you want to do is say something hurtful. The point is he's still messed up and he does not want to make peace with this fact, look at the way his body language changes immediately, the way his eyes shift, he can't even contain the emotion mentally, that's just too much to handle, but it's still controlled, barely noticeable, and his whole demeanor is already stiff as hell, it's sheer concentrated rage. To him that whole interaction was borderline offensive, even the memory makes him feel angry, still.

• Speaking of Blackbeard, it's such a masterful way of essentially reprimanding someone without outright showing it. I mean you could call it a friendly banter, but Izzy is having none of it then. Those were pretty casually delivered remarks, just his regular voice, as for the face, we can't even see it. The center of attention is mainly the way he's wording his mini speech.

• But I guess, Blackbeard is the only one who can get away with that kind of attitude towards Izzy, and not only because he's a captain, I suppose (idk where that assumption comes from if I'm honest).

• And then Izzy just suggests killing the crew even though a few minutes ago he stated Blackbeard should not even concern himself with following Bonnet in the first place. I don't think the crew can make decisions on its own, so if Blackbeard shouldn't give a damn, why should the crew?.. Was Izzy hoping to divert Blackbeard's attention from this epic fail? So if he killed the source of the damage to his pride, Blackbeard would be like you've restored my faith in you, you're excused (if it's true then why is it so important to him)? Cause Izzy can clearly see Blackbeard is not really satisfied with the outcome of the unprofessional ambush. Or he overthinks it. (no, the only one who's overthinking stuff is me). Or was he like I've had my ass kicked, yes, can we please change the topic already?

[gatheringbones]

[“Oh, Frederick is such an interesting man!” she said enthusiastically. “There’s just so much going on with him: You never know what’s going to happen next, and he’s so complex. I’ve never been involved with someone who was such a mystery.”

As we talked further, I began to see that instead of responding emotionally to the way Frederick treated her—the put-downs, the freeze-outs, the insistence that she turn down trips or avoid her friends—Nella was responding intellectually to “the problem of Frederick.” Why did he behave in such a difficult, demanding way? What was behind his need to insult her or stop speaking to her? Was there a way to tell when the insults would stop and the freeze-outs begin, so that she could avoid them? And what about those special times when Frederick suddenly opened up to her, confessing his deepest fears and weaknesses? How could he be so trusting one minute, so suspicious the next? Maybe his mother had something to do with it. Or perhaps it was his older sister. Nella could spend hours happily analyzing her difficult boyfriend.

If Nella were to respond emotionally to her experience, she might quickly tire of being treated with such little regard. But she kept herself interested in the relationship by thinking about it. Nella had developed a Stage 2 version of the Explanation Trap. Instead of finding the abusive aspects of Frederick frustrating, painful, or off-putting, she found them interesting, because they offered her so many opportunities to come up with explanations. In fact, before going out with Frederick, Nella had been involved with a man who sounded to me like a much steadier, nicer guy. When I asked about him, Nella readily agreed that her previous boyfriend had treated her very well indeed. But, she told me, that man simply wasn’t as interesting as Frederick.

Nella’s frank description of her interest in Frederick’s abusiveness made me aware of a contrast I’d noticed in many women, myself included. When we’re involved with people who don’t treat us so well, our relationships preoccupy us a great deal. There’s always a lot to think about, talk about, analyze. With a nicer, more reliable person, the relationship doesn’t offer as much food for thought. We enjoy it, sure, but it doesn’t take up nearly so much of our time or focus. When our romantic partner (or friend, or boss) is taking care of himself—coming forward with attention and affection; managing his own feelings; expressing his dissatisfactions in polite, appropriate ways—there simply isn’t as much for us to do. So, like many women involved in Stage 2 gaslighting, Nella seemed to be more interested in the drama and analysis involved in a bad relationship than in the relatively mundane experience of a good one. Instead of seeing her relationship as a bulwark of support or a steady source of love, it was as though Nella were viewing it as a particularly challenging math problem, whose very difficulty was a major source of interest.”]

robin stern, the gaslight effect

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

hi jalebi

i am so frustrated with these uber-sanskari khushi’s in all the ipk fanfic like why can’t she say ch*tiya and eat mutton biryani and still believe in god and have traditional values

begging you to write something to fix this void

love

an admirer

Hi Admirer 👋

Hmm there’s a thin line between characteristics, character background and then using a character to peddle irritating “sanskaari” teachings.

Khushi, in the show and fics, falls into all three.

I find this ask a little funny because I am a vegetarian and I rarely swear.

And Khushi being a vegetarian and not swearing (in the show for that’s what I can speak for) really comes from her character background (as my friend has attested, the version of Lucknow and Lucknowi family we see is a romanticized version a non Lucknowi would have about the city - a city of poetry and passion, fantasy and fineries, cuisine and character).

While those tropes aren’t baseless - Khushi’s character background is limited to those tropes as opposed to building on it.

Khushi’s vegetarianism probably stems from her religion - the same reason why Arnav’s family is vegetarian as well (I personally do find it irritating that they had this whole yelling when Lavanya got a cake with egg. Chee.)

Also, Khushi might actually appreciate the cooking that goes into a kebab. Unlike Nani she doesn’t seem to maintain social distancing from non veg foods. Such as when Khushi excitedly talks about kebabs that’s cooked in her neighbouring cities back home when she’s try to butter up the waiter to give her and Arnav a table for their “date”.

You might be wondering why I’m writing this in detail and, oddly, defending Khushi because I do not think her being vegetarian, or not choosing to use cuss words is an issue.

These are characteristics. Like her being religious is a fact about her. She is meant to be the opposite of Arnav in every way - literally. Arnav is implied to drop “fuck” at the drop of the hat. Hence Khushi doesn’t swear. He is non vegetarian. She is vegetarian. Arnav wears western outfits with an allergy to ethnic ones, Khushi wears ethnic outfit with an allergy to western ones. Arnav’s language of choice is English. Khushi’s language of choice is Hindi.

And she’s supposed to be modesty in all form - from language to sex (which ofc she’s had none while Arnav does know the tango) and Arnav is temptation in all form (being unattainable is #1).

Now, the reason for my detailed explanation of all this is I think the issue with the show and consequently a set of fic writers is that they don’t show Khushi’s hypocrisy and judgemental attitude - which stems from her traditional upbringing - as wrong.

I don’t have an issue with characteristics and character background. But it is difficult to love a character who is intrusive, behaves like she’s 14, is extremely hypocritical, judgemental, straight up liar and has an extremely high moral superiority complex.

Yes, Arnav has a superiority complex on wealth - which is dutifully called out MULTIPLE times. Which is why fics get him to say sorry, many times, sometimes amazingly, sometimes terribly.

But Khushi’s moral hypocrisy? Never called out.

And the issue with that is that it codes Khushi’s behavior and judgements as correct. And as traits that don’t need a development. She is not written nor treated as someone who needs to unlearn the crap she’s been taught and get off her high horse of traditional values.

However, Khushi eating meat or cussing leads to making changes in the fundamental character itself. And ofc everyone’s entitled to making them. But it means she rebelled against her family - with whom she feels a certain obligatory sense for they adopted her. Doesn’t that change her equation with the family? If she cussed once at home, she would’ve been slapped by Buaji.

Thus Khushi’s behavior would be taken as a form of teen rebellion and one needs to think what triggered it? Her prankster-ness gets her in enough trouble - but it’s also her being loved by Shashi and Payal.

Also Khushi’s 18/19 and extremely sheltered - she hasn’t even had a chance to explore world and get influenced by it.

She does get influenced by Arnav though - she picks up a lot of his English.

I reckon once she’s older she would actually pick up saying “fuck” over “Chutiya”

On a side note, I could legit write her cussing and eating meat and still being just as irritating because I’m changing habits, not working on her personality.

Also food and language have little association to religion. Of course the world doesn’t see it that way. But I don’t think anything is mutually exclusive when it comes to belief and values.

I totally do support the representation of meat eating cussing traditional devout people - lol my dearest aunt was one.

The question is, is Khushi the right character to represent that before she becomes - just a different character?

In an AU - khushi could totally be that. Heck I’ve written the most bizarre stuff lol 😂

:) lots of love,

- Jalebi

[lover-of-mine]

hi anna i’m glad to hear you’ve rested! 😊

i just had a ?? moment so thought i would share to see what you think

i know they’re saying that buck’s jealousy and ‘wanting attention’ has nothing to do with eddie, he wanted tommy’s attention not eddie’s… but him being insecure about chris doesn’t fit into that? he complains to maddie that chris thinks tommy is so cool and then tommy basically has to reassure him that buck could never be replaced in chris’ life… but then they say it’s got nothing to do with eddie?? buck was jealous of eddie bc he wanted to be in his position spending time with tommy… okay. so are we suggesting he was also jealous of chris for the same reason?? lmao no way, he was insecure about chris liking tommy more than he likes buck, and that does NOT fit with the ‘tommy was buck’s focus not eddie’ explanation

do you get what i mean? 😅

Hi, darling, thank you 🩷, and, like, I get what you mean, but I also do think that this is all gonna lead to Buck sitting down and being like "oh shit it wasn't about Tommy" in the future and then gasoline will be poured on our slow burn. Because it doesn't make sense if it's only about Tommy, I think Buck was experiencing a strong case of "I want to be in the middle" because you have Eddie, who's everything Eddie is, and you have Tommy, this guy Buck has a crush on he doesn't have the tools to process yet, so he was feeling ignored on all fronts, but since he was confronted with the "oh I'm attracted to Tommy" first, he just accepts that his behavior is about Tommy, even though we know it wasn't, because, yeah, he wouldn't get insecure about Chris if it was only about missing out on Tommy and the whole gym scene doesn't really add up to Tommy either, because Buck was behaving like that before he knew the person on the phone with Eddie is Tommy, and he was acting like that before the ball gets there and he can just say he wants Eddie to invite him so he can see Tommy again. Because, again, the whole thing starts at the hangar, with Buck being there with Tommy outside of Eddie, so Buck knows how to contact Tommy himself, so why wouldn't he just call Tommy? You don't need Eddie to be this involved on Buck finding out he's bi if they are not planning on going back and making Buck reevaluate what his feelings for Eddie might be. Narratively speaking, from a storytelling perspective and from a business perspective, to make Buck bi and not go there with buddie is dumb, but Buck is settled in his relationship with Eddie, so he would never find out he might be attracted to him or men in general alone. We all have been saying someone would need to slam Buck into the realization for years, but you can't really have that person be Eddie, because with the way Buck acts with romantic relationships, if you, for instance, make Eddie kiss him, you risk making it seem like Buck isn't really into Eddie, he's just so scared of losing him, that he would even go there to keep him, and that would put some huge cracks in their relationship, because Eddie himself could end up feeling this way while Buck tumbles through the discovery, and that would be bad. The whole thing is that Buck needs to accept that he's into men before he can actually process the idea that he might be into Eddie. I don't know if it's my demi Eddie believes, my belief that Eddie has been semi aware he's in love with Buck since s3, or just the general way Eddie has existed around Buck since he got introduced, but I kinda think that if they are going the route of Buck needed to understand he's into men and Eddie needs to understand he's into Buck, that does make sense.

Not that the groundwork for the both of them to be in love with each other is not there, but Buck had a thing going with men in general, that Eddie mostly only has with Buck, and I think that making Buck accept he's bi outside of Eddie, to work on that outside of buddie, and then have Buck go for it would make Buck's bisexuality a lot more complex, which honestly, I think it's the goal here, Buck can be great representation and to have that with a guy that looks like Buck makes my bisexual ass want to cry. But since I'm hoping for Eddie to be on the ace spectrum, to have his queer storyline attached to Buck would make sense, because he can have a nice "oh I have a family with the guy, this is why no one else feels right" and then if they decide to go there, which I didn't think they would, but hey, Buck actually kissed a guy so I'm shooting for the sky now, you can have Eddie figuring out he's demi be attached to his thing with the expectations that come with being a man and what that's supposed to look like and the whole thing he was always expected to be "The Man" and that he dodges the whole dating thing that hard because he's not interested in casual intimacy and it could be beautiful. I think they are trying to make the point that Buck's bisexuality is not about Eddie, which it isn't, but that we are still gonna get to the point of Buck being like "maybe I do want Eddie's attention more than I realized" and then something is gonna happen. And seriously, Ryan, the captain of the buddie ship since day 1, wouldn't be down right giddy talking about how much closer Buck and Eddie are gonna get if Buck was just going to get a new boyfriend and they wouldn't tie it back to buddie. They are playing the long game here.

[mdhwrites]

You know they are often described as the same character, but why was Amity more interesting than Hunter if they both follow the same pattern (which is just the redemption arc)

I was seeing endless possibilities for Amity's character to go anywhere after S1 there was just too much on the plate that was catching your eye but not all of it, so to keep your interest going.

Hunter just feels too set in stone for some reason. Nothing outside the golden guard or Caleb would have had the same charm.

If Amity was set to become a teacher you would wonder why and how. If Hunter was doing the same you may be like "ok, cool"...

I think that did happen in the final episode too, many questioned why Amity chose to be.. some abomination engineer?

Not many batted an eye on why Hunter chose palismen carving, it just happened and they accepted it.

This ask is rather "why did this thing work for that one but not for this one as well?"

So this has to come down with something that TOH did eventually stop understanding but was strong in the first season: The difference between internal and external motivation.

Now, of course, Amity's motivations will become entirely external and this will be what effectively murders her character but to begin with, she is extremely internally motivated. It takes until Understanding Willow to hear about her parents whatsoever. Hell, before then, we get the twins being sent to meet up with Amity with a packed lunch made by their mom that she forgot, implying a potentially good, normal home life early on. Her external influences in general seem to be fairly low except for setting what the end goal is: Head of the EC.

But that's just an extension of the internal motivation of "Be the best." Be the best student. Be the best witch. Be the best Blight. Be the best EVERYTHING. She early on seems to have a genuine problem of obsessing over every failure and as a 'gifted' student back in high school, I relate with that EXTREMELY HARD. She is ready to attack herself for every failure, see every setback as the worst thing to happen to her and be ruthless with those who get in the way of her goals. This extreme mindset is unhealthy but it lets you know her priorities so even a more balanced Amity is still going to care about studying, about the future and get upset at herself when she can't solve something. She just, you know, won't murder someone over it.

These internal influences tell us a lot about her. We get a very vivid base for a character to work from because we understand what underpins her own desires. This makes it so that even if you swap the setting, you know how Amity will behave dependent on these core principles. If she's suddenly Spider-woman, she's going to work herself to death and be traumatized the first time she fails and loses someone. Not someone close to her: ANYONE. Make her a big sister in Rapture and you can bet your ass that she drains a hundred times the splicer corpses than an average little sister does in a day and she will NEVER stop tracking her prey if the order is given to kill. The context of where she is or what she's doing is reinforced by those internal desires that are mutable across different elements.

This also makes expanding and complicating those internal desires interesting! After all, getting an explanation for why she considers perfection so important can genuinely highlight where she might have mistepped so as to become so extreme. For an example from my own work: Azu is inspired by Amity but is genuine nobility. Her words carry consequences and one slip of the tongue can unmake a person or trap her with favors she didn't mean to imply. She lives in such constant fear of this though, influenced by the disinheriting of her sister and brother as well as just a well meaning but too strict mother as a well as a king who will likely kill her if she exhibits too much personal pride, that if she has no need to talk to you... she doesn't. She is silent to most and careful with the words she says otherwise. Always on edge because she hasn't had anyone teach her that you can relax, not that she ever entirely would because her base character cares about success too much, and so those external elements become exciting because they feed into the internal and help deepen and expand on the character as a whole.

This is also why the scapegoating form of redemption in TOH is so... boring. And usually extremely flawed, even when at its best. By saying everything a character has done or believed was because of someone else, you lose those base character traits and TOH never replaces them. If we believe Odalia is the ONLY reason she cares about success, and only really see her striving for perfection again with being Luz's girlfriend, but otherwise discarding her future, studying, etc. like that, her strive for being the best is no longer really a part of her. She cares about Luz's perfect girlfriend because of the external influence of fear that Luz might leave her otherwise but what internal mechanism in her makes her fear that so much? Why is she willing to abandon so much for one person? Why is it that Amity's entire life besides Luz is so easily abandoned by her?

This is what makes her transform into a generic love interest. Even Eclipse Lake, which is a natural progression for her, in the long run feels like a trope. After all, it's common for someone who has a crush to have an episode where a misunderstanding causes them to break down and question if the one they love even likes them, let alone reciprocates their feelings. The only difference is that Amity and Luz are already together. After this, she'll never show that same fervor again and not care about being the best at anything for herself but only ever for someone else. She does NOTHING without it being to impress her father, basic survival, or because Luz approves of it and that's when a character stops feeling like they have an internal life and their own person hood and starts just becoming a doll on the screen that you can feel the writer manipulating.

This is the position Hunter STARTS in. Frankly, it's also the position Willow starts in to some extent. Both of them will change how they act and behave for the sake of an episode with minor characteristics that make recognizably them, kind of, but otherwise they don't seem to have internal cares. The closest Hunter ever comes to having something is that he actually is a people pleaser, unlike Luz. Except... Also not because he constantly breaks Belos' laws, his orders, etc. like that. A real people pleaser would kill Flapjack and turn him in. We never actually get a reason as to why Hunter keeps Flapjack besides the fact that he's actually Caleb and if your reasoning is purely because they're not actually their own character, that is a fucking problem.

But seriously: How do we ever know how Hunter will react to something? Everything Hunter does is influenced externally. Looking into wild magic? Only because it will make a cure for my uncle. Have my own palisman? Well, if I kill it, Luz will be pissed at me and I guess I care about that for some reason. Go recruit for the EC? Only because that's how Darius says I'll get my cape back. Free the people I just recruited? Only because it made Willow sad. Break free of the EC and my uncle? Only because otherwise I would straight up die, not because my own personal beliefs clash with my uncle's.

It's why I don't find Hunter compelling, even trying to strip him down to brass tacks or use the most interesting sides of him because I'm not sure there any sides of him. This also infects most of the cast as they become just generally good people because their actions are so... basic. There's no flavor to them because very few of these characters have a core as the series goes on. A way to summarize them and pitch them to others besides "Good person who does X magic." The most personality they have is their toolkit and while Batman's utility belt is neat, it's BATMAN and his personality and how he personally tackles issues, personal and otherwise, that bring us to the story.

And TOH over and over again seems to think losing your personality is the only way to have character growth as it repeats the loop over and over again. First Amity, then Hunter, and then the Collector even, shown off by his immediate recoiling into not knowing what FUCKING DEATH IS just so he can be a little guy.

A basic, good person with no personal desires, cares, motivations, ethos, etc. except to do whatever will make Luz everyone happy. Real deep and compelling characters in the end that way, aren't they?

=========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[antirepurp]

im also musing about unfiction but specifically digital horror and the way AI entities are featured in it, and why that doesn't appeal to me as much as a ghost in the machine or something of the sort. i think it comes with this level of convenience that sort of clashes with what could be scary or disturbing about the story? like, yeah your technology is acting in ways we cannot explain and doing things we don't understand but don't worry it's a sentient AI, but not the kind of sentient AI that we'll use as a way to build existential horror out of this, that's just the ghost now. i remember watching some video covering another mario 64 horror series where it was revealed that there was an AI in the game that believed itself to be a person and immediately any discomfort i might have felt about it was gone because it's just... too convenient. not really plausible by today's standards or anything, just convenient. of course a digital creation can exist in a digital space. the mystery lessens.

i imagine it's the way it offers a way to explain abnormal activity in a fashion that sounds believable when you suspend your disbelief for a while. but the problem comes from being able to explain things, because when you understand the how and the why of the mystery it's no longer. a mystery. when you know the cause behind the loud noise you heard in the middle of the night when you're at home by yourself, it stops being as terrifying as it used to be. AI in digital horror, at least to me, works in a much too similar manner.

and while glitches and corruptions can be terrifying outside of contained environments, they're only that as long as you don't know why they're happening. missingno stops being scary when you know what it corrupts and why, and how none of it harms your save in any meaningful way. walking out of bounds in a low-budget pc game as a kid feels terrifying because you're doing something unintentional, but when you get older and maybe understand more about how games work, the feeling isn't quite the same. you can understand code. you can learn how it works at least on a broad scale, and make what was once a mystery into something mundane. inserting AI into digital horror is like decompiling a video game, except that you don't need to understand coding to read the information presented to you. you reveal the mystery.

arguably, too, there's something more mysterious in things that involve a human touch in one way or another, that raise more questions and mysteries with explanations that aren't quite as transparent in their nature. why would someone make a game behave in this way? what compelled them to see through to their vision? is this all that remains of their work, or is there more to be found? does anything remain of them? you're probably not going to be able to answer all the questions, but that's more than okay. it's the unknown that makes you uncomfortable, not that which you already know.

tl;dr i want more ghosts in the Videos Games(TM)

[lady-laureline]

I want to get to the bottom of neurodivergent burnout. I feel like there are a lot of people that have no context to take it seriously in, so they don't.

As with a lot of these posts, writing this is my way of ironing out my own understanding - take it with a grain of salt, I'm not a professional. I've tried to keep it general but as I'm speaking from a late-diagnosed audhd experience, it will lean in that direction.

Also, depending on how much you relate, this may warrant a mental health trigger warning? There's self-talk that isn't very kind.

×××

The precursor to burnout is survival mode: a state in which the body doesn't allow itself to fully enter a state of rest, as it is perceived to be "unsafe" by the nervous system. Neurodivergent symptoms aren't always a cause for stress in and of themselves, but people displaying them quickly learn that symptomatic behaviour rubs others the wrong way, even if they lack the intuition to see why.

☁️ People don't like the way I behave.

×

This is compounded by miscommunication.

Say a divergent child says something that sounds neutral to them, but rude to everyone else. They might get reprimanded for hurting someone's feelings, but they don't see how what they said was hurtful. Say this child's requests for an explanation are seen as insolence instead of curiosity.

The adults might come away thinking the child needs more discipline. The child might come away knowing they did something wrong, but unsure as to what that was or how to avoid it in the future.

☁️ I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad.

×

The more these situations crop up, the more the emotional takeaway morphs into low self-esteem and constant vigilance (to catch mistakes before they happen). As the child grows older and responsibilities increase, they are also faced with a more nuanced picture of society that they're already lagging behind - demanding more nuanced masking, which is already a separate workload - on top of battling those good old sensory issues.

To those who don't know what the fuss is about: you know when you have a fever and your skin is super sensitive? If you separate the tingliness from the discomfort, and then apply that discomfort to the rest of your senses, you'll get a pretty good idea of what sensory overwhelm is like. We don't all experience this the same way (for example, I'm generally fine with food textures but really sensitive to noise) or with the same frequency, but it tends to be both unpleasant and consistent.

These additional energy drains inevitably lead to feeling the effects of hard work without anywhere near the same results of our peers. The easiest explanation, and the assumption most uninformed make, is one of personal shortcomings. Laziness. Selfishness. A "bad attitude".

☁️ No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest.

×

It's a frustrating experience, and all those feelings need to go somewhere. We learn skills such as silent crying to hide our "overreactions"; we use our anxiety as a driving force for productivity. Many disabled people have the dissociative method down pat. And then there's the assertive emotions.

Displaying anger out of bounds of the neurotypical context is a whole other kettle of fish. When the nervous system is cortisol city, things will boil over eventually. Any witness is likely to be unaware of the extent of the stressors that led up to this outburst, so it can seem to happen out of the blue. Plus, if the inciting incident appears insignificant to the onlooker, they'll probably think it's all a bit childish.

Say what you will about neurospicy social skills but we have a killer radar for cringe. Raise your hand if you smush down irritation on the regular. Better yet, raise your hand if you "never get angry".

☁️ My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about.

×

Maybe we've been afraid to feel what we feel our whole lives, but there comes a point where something's got to give. We might even be making a conscious effort to get in touch with our emotions after years and years of ripping them down and sealing them away. It's a Pandora's box situation: once the seal is broken, there's no getting the horrors back inside.

That's usually the beginning of what is widely recognised as burnout. There is so much to sort through, life effectively gets put on hold, at least for those of us lucky enough not to crash and burn the moment we let go of the wheel.

Recovery isn't a matter of a little vacation time: it can take months or years, and it may not look like work but it very much is. The trauma runs deep and we have no choice but to get to the bottom of the trench if we don't want to be stuck in a permanent state of exhaustion. It can be isolating as there's not a lot of energy left for much else - overextend and your body will slap you back in line so fast your head will spin. And no, you do not get to choose what overextending yourself entails.

To anyone actually going through this, try not to keep yourself in check, at least when you're alone. Your psyche does not want to pretend anymore. Pretending has repercussions now.

×

It may come as a surprise that a lot of people don't take kindly to healing. A person in burnout recovery is (by necessity) less accessible, more self-centered, taking up more space and drawing new boundaries. Unmasking may reveal a person your friends don't understand like the contorted version of yourself they got to know. Furthermore - change, when seen as a threat, can cause people to lash out.

☁️ Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either.

One of the things I've had difficulty accepting is that there are good, caring people in my life that don't deserve an explanation of what I'm going through. They might have a space in their hearts for the person they think that I am, but the capacity to truly get to know me isn't there, at least yet.

Once I'd been burned enough times, I made a decision to settle for nothing less than sincere interest as a prerequisite for any attempt to make myself understood. From there, it wasn't not far to the bittersweet realisation that the only person's permission I need to grow is my own.

×

I'm not sure how to wrap this up, which might mean future edits (there are always more edits), but the thought is complete enough to post.

I suppose there is no end to becoming one's own person, and even though the line between recovery and living can be blurry a lot of the time, existing with purpose is a decision each of us has to make.

I'm sending a telepathic hug to anyone who needs one right now. Take care of yourselves.

×××

The self-talk of some weird kid:

"People don't like the way I behave. I can't trust myself to say good things, even if my intentions are good. If I say a bad thing, it's my fault even if I don't know why it's bad. No matter how hard I try, it is not enough. I haven't earned my pain. I haven't earned my rest. My frustration is misplaced and out of proportion. If I show it, I lose the respect of people I care about. Healing is a punishable offense. It hurts those around me. They don't want me as I am, but they don't want me to change, either."

(I've included this depressing subconscious narrative because I think it's important to show how little unresolved rejections add up over time. One can put on a dazzling performance to meet social demands while believing all of that, and we desperately need community support that is informed and equipped to help them pick up the pieces once the show falls apart.)

[dashiellqvverty]

i am... so sick of y'all pretending that Jade not putting up with Nate's unsubtle power plays is racism because you think it makes you look progressive. misogyny doesn't become suddenly okay because it comes from an awkward brown man

bro i was asked why i don't like jade and i answered idk what to tell you. sounds like you don't like the nate/jade relationship either though so i guess we're in the same boat there!

you're clearly not interested in like actually thinking about the show on a deeper level BUT for the sake of anyone who is, i do think this topic warrants a little more discussion than i gave it the first time, because i was answering a question about my personal feelings and figured ppl would take that for what it was.

so to be absolutely clear about this: i do not believe jade was intentionally written as a racist character. i do not think the way she is rude to nate is MEANT to read as racist in any way. to be honest, i wasn't thinking about it that way when i first watched it. but these are not real people and everything they do is a choice made by writers, and the way it was written WAS racist. even if you don't want budge on your opinion of jade and how she specifically is written, if you don't see any behind the scenes racism in the way nate shelley and his storylines were written over the course of the show then i don't know what to tell you.

but lets get into it. (under the cut because i have quite a lot to say)

as i said, i didn't initially interpret jade's treatment of nate as racist. when i got to s3 and she showed up again, i remembered NATE being mean to HER and not liking her very much, so i was mainly thinking "why would he want to get with her, and why would she want to get with him?" but, after reading other people's (specifically fans of color) interpretation of the storyline, i went and revisited the episode, and realized that, yeah, she's shitty to him for no reason, in a way that can definitely come off as racist. WE as the audience know nate has been being a dick all season - she doesnt! so what she sees is, as you said, an awkward brown man coming into the restaurant and stumbling through asking for a reservation. now, maybe it's just my own difficulty with social cues, but i don't see anything in that first scene that i would call an "unsubtle power play" - maybe you're talking about the "sorry i was waiting for you to ask if i needed anything," which, imo, is a stretch. i understand where you might be coming from, but... how is this any different than how he might have behaved in season 1? like, i'll admit that i do read nate as autistic which can affect my interpretation of certain things but like... to me thats just him voicing like "ah, sorry i'm being awkward, here's an awkward over-explanation of why." and then the "i know roy kent" thing is DEFINITELY not a "power play", it's him being desperate for something that might work to get the table he wants. like the point of this scene is not to portray him as some kind of power-drunk asshole, it's to show that he's an awkward bumbling idiot who can't be assertive and hates himself for it. i honestly, genuinely, do not see anything in that scene that comes off as misogynistic.

honestly, i don't personally think jade is too awful in this scene, it seems like she's also a bit awkward and not really performing the expected social conventions as a hostess, and if it weren't for the larger context this might not have been so bad. but there's a couple things going on here, for one the look she gives him when he asks for the window table, like he's an idiot for even asking (and please don't argue that he technically doesn't "ask," he says he really wants to make sure he gets it then says its important to his parents. seems like a pretty fucking normal thing to do imo). and then to have her say "okay we can reserve a specific table - in the back corner - but we CANT reserve the window table. we could for someone else, but not for YOU" is like.

again, the point of this scene is to make nate feel bad about himself, and media doesn't exist in a vacuum. the ted lasso writers may like to pretend they're colorblind, and that misogyny is the only problem in the world and racism only exists when its the Topic Of The Day (and never affects nate, apparently) but we live in the real world and can see that nate is a brown man, and in fact the only one on the show. it would be naive, i think, to say that this has nothing to do with nate's arc in s2. given how horribly his arc is executed on almost every level, i doubt this was the writers' intention, but intention isn't everything. the handling of nate's storyline is a topic for its own post, but it makes a lot of sense that nate's race and experiences of racism play into his feelings of insecurity and emasculation (for lack of a better term) as he is being ignored and overshadowed by white men - in fact, it goes a long way to explain a lot of his underwritten motivation. so here he is, walking into a restaurant and being looked at and spoken to by white people as though he doesn't belong, in a scene that is DESIGNED to make him feel bad. even if jade herself isn't intended to be racist, this is part of a LARGER PATTERN of how nate is treated both by the narrative and by other characters.

but wait, i imagine you arguing back, this is only the first sequence, before he decides to go back and be more assertive! what about spitting on the mirror! what about when he makes DEMANDS? what about THOSE misogynistic power plays?

well, jade doesn't push back against those, does she? in fact, she seems to be impressed, as she sort of smirks and goes "okay" in a satisfied voice and gives him the table. the lesson of this episode is that nate being a dick WORKS for him. his problem, we are told, is not that he was a being misogynistic or something, it's that he was too awkward, and if only he stopped being awkward and "made himself big," he would be respected.

on that note, i don't want to gloss over the scenes with rebecca and keeley either. i won't pretend he DOESN'T say anything that is or could be construed as misogynistic (but, be honest with yourself, he's not the only character in the show who says misogynistic things, he's just the only one who's not allowed to be forgiven, apparently). there's the comment about, "oh maybe some of those groupies would be nice haha" (which he immediately feels awkward about and apologizes for), the "dithering kestrel" thing (which is him overcorrecting after being told to be assertive). this is a larger trend with nate, where he is definitely written as making these kinds of comments more often, but it always seems to be something he's trying to do in order to perform a certain kind of masculinity in order to be accepted or respected (not that that would justify these things in real life, but it's important context to keep in mind). and rebecca is like... such a jerk to him in this scene too?? like on top of talking down to him, there's the moment where he's like "well it's different for me" (and does not explain what he means by that, so we are left to assume that maybe he just means because he's small and awkward?) and rebecca is like "well things are hard for me as a woman so i just feel my power girlboss my way through :)" and its like. why can we explicitly acknowledge that she specifically has to earn space and respect as a woman but never acknowledge the situation nate is in as a brown man???

if this was the real world, and these were real interactions between real people, it might be fair to say that hey, we can't dismiss someone's misogyny just because they are also marginalized. but this is not the real world, it is a fiction created by writers, so perhaps you should be asking yourself WHY THEY ARE WRITING THE BROWN MAN LIKE THIS

(i'd be remiss not to link this post again as it definitely informed a lot of my initial thoughts on this subject)

[mason5555]

How do you start afresh at 45… it’s been a month since she left. I am still sitting in my own emotions, remembering what MY emotions are… I had lost myself in her…. The shame that carried… that was a month ago….

So proud of the way I have carried myself in such a hard situation. After such a long time together.. nearly 2 decades… well really how long were we really together… if ever.

The outcome of such a long toxic relationship with someone with NPD. You dive in so quick and I love/d soo hard.. I did not know that it was not real, it was real to me. She was my perfect mirror.. I honestly thought she was perfect for me.. I loved her hard… the trauma bond was sealed(I had no clue what a trauma bond was!)I could feel myself drowning and losing who I was… but I thought I could get her to see the way of love if I committed to it and loved her hard and appeased her every desire and disregarded her lack of return of effort or to use her words… “ I never made you feel like you were the most important person to me in the room”… it was one of the most honest statements ever made… Her actions backed this over and over again… Why did I still think things would change…I was 100% in constant freeze..always activated… always hyper vigilant… why did I stay when I knew I was not where I was safe…life got low… I chose to pass on explanation of this stage… the abuse and shame is still way to great…

It took to get this low to instigate the self sabotage, the losing any reason to continue to supply her feed.. if I can’t leave I will take out any reason for her to stay… yep l thought slowly losing my self worth and any effort into being the person I know I am… I just stopped. I had allowed the poison to take control .. I don’t like how low I have gone… it’s taken 3 years of work to pull me back to this stage to finally have the strength to start creating boundaries to allow me to grow again… this was Met with promises of change but to no avail it was just said in the passing moment cause it felt good and maybe real to her at the time. But it was only ever words… never equated to action..all this was a gift.. it was continue to enable me the sight and strength to know life should not be so dark… life was not dark I was in the dark. But I was gaining strength, I got some professional help.. at first I thought nah I am beyond help. But here I am.. still long way to go but at least I am now able to move forward… but how do you start again at 45!

Every day I am trying to do something new for me, it’s not happening quick but it’s happening. I can’t compare to her… she is behaving as someone with NPD would… I am erased and she has never been happier… a well timed song always seems to be there when you need them… it’s called someone else’s problem now(Raul) it was perfect timing. Not kidding myself… there are as many backward steps as forward… and they cut deep. So many lonely tears…

I am sitting in my loneliness and learning to turn it into something else … still learning but less hurting so it’s working. My soul is hearing my call to come home… but after sooo long it’s a journey.

I miss me… I am looking towards the future now and rediscovering me again and who I am, what I like… I liked who I used to be… I can never be who I used to be again but I think I can be a better person then I have ever been and shine… it’s not going to happen over night but I will smile again. Writing this reminds me to smile and how far I have come…

Every day I feel safer… still so many unknowns and I am sure difficulties to face but facing them myself and working through the pain… I don’t want to sweep anything under the rug to trip on later. 

Anyhow I hope whoever is unsure of where they are and where they are going might relate to something I have said and make steps towards a brighter light and future..We got this..

[amnotaqueen]

Not A True Disciplinarian

My JW narc husband is not a true disciplinarian. I would describe him as a punisher instead. We are taught from the Bible as Jehovah's Witnesses to discipline our children with love. My husband doesn't think he is disciplining unless he is spanking or punishing him in some way, and his absolute favorite method to punish is to spank. He loves to get switches to spank with. Slapping is a particularly demeaning way to discipline a child, especially one with developmental disabilities. What is he slapping him for? Because he is frustrated? Unacceptable. He is not very patient and usually he is very angry and screaming. Most times he seems to not take into account that our son has special needs; autism, intellectual disability, ADHD too, most likely. So, he is not going to have the same abilities and behaviors of a typically developing child his age. Why doesn't that register with him? It's like, someone with a broken leg is not going to walk a mile in the same amount of time as someone without any broken leg. To punish a person with a broken leg for not finishing a mile in the same amount of time as other able-bodied individuals is just plain unfair and cruel and makes no sense. You would give them extra time, yes leniency and congratulate them on their efforts for completing the mile.

And the things he chooses to get upset about are totally ridiculous to me. Its as if he expects our son to behave like a mature adult instead of a child. Today at our religious meetings at the Kingdom Hall, our son (7 yrs old) asked me a couple of times if he could have pizza for lunch. He seems to have a fast metabolism and is ready to eat every 1.5 to 2 hours. Now, when we get home he starts declaring that because our son asked for pizza for lunch while at the meeting, he could not have pizza. Because, he said, no one should be thinking about pizza at the meeting so he needed to be punished. Now, I know that just about everyone in that place has some fleeting thoughts from time to time that don't have anything to do with the Bible or anything spiritual. Some people might think briefly about what they themselves will eat later, about work they have to do, errands they have to run, something that happened before the meeting, the pain they feel, etc. And the children especially have not developed the ability to keep their minds strictly on the program at all times. They are naturally thinking about what they will do after the meeting, friends, etc at times. I think it's ludacris to even expect them not to do that. Punishment is not warranted. At this stage, kind suggestions with explanations are all that is necessary. Reminders for him to pay attention during the program. He is actually doing so much better and it is very difficult for him to focus and sit still even for short periods of time. He even participated at the meeting, by giving a simple comment. He needed to be commended and encouraged, not punished. And this idea of punishment for a young child mentioning food at the meeting instead of paying perfect attention throughout the entirety of the meeting is coming from a grown man who himself falls asleep at the meetings and assemblies and conventions. He asks our son, no- he demands that our son never sleep at any meeting or assembly. He actually expects our son to live up to his standard that even he himself does not live up to as an adult. Ridiculous. Hypocritical. Unrealistic. To me, he is really out of touch with reality.

I do think the real reason he was denying him pizza is because he doesn't like him to eat pizza period. He thinks our son and I should eat how he eats. Pizza is unhealthy as is most American food and he hates to see us eat any of it. He felt like our son had had enough junk and he wanted to use an excuse to deny him and he pizza without saying I just don't want you to eat anymore. He tried to make our son believe that he was just such a bad and awful child to have thoughts of food during the meeting and that he deserved to be punished. It's interesting that my husband minimizes his greater errors and maximizes tiny infractions of a child. His having a girlfriend outside of our marriage, just a minor thing to him. He still views himself as perfect.

Discipline is about correcting and guiding in love. Doesn't always need to be wrath, screaming, anger, and corporal punishment. That's what he is stuck on.

[d010811sh]

gratitude

The other day i watched a video about how happiness works from a Harvard lecturer, his name is Arthur.

There was a question from someone that said “how do i feel grateful? because all i can think or feel is sadness, fear and pain”.

It reminds me of a lot about the people who often feel this way too.

It's hard for them to be simply happy for something that happens in their life. It’s hard to face their vulnerable side, always try to act tough and putting others’ needs first before their own.

Well, Arthur’s answer is more of a textbook-style response,

Where he said that because we have three parts of the brain :

The Ancient part or motor function - the one that basically controls every major activity in our body like breathing.

The Limbic System - the one that receives signals from outside and turns them into what we feel.

and last but not least, The Neocortex - the one one that not only receives informations, but also orders our body what to do and how to react.

He continues that based on these facts, the only one who can decide whether we want to feel grateful or not is ourselves. 

To be honest, not surprising at all.

For instance, we are so focused about the negative feelings instead of the positive ones, which might also be the reason why it’s hard for us to feel grateful or even happy with what we have.

In another case, we are also busy comparing our lives with others, so we may “forget” about everything that we have, simply because what they have seems more glamorous or shining than ours.

Someone once said to me that it’s hard for them to feel or want to feel happy because of the fear that happiness is only a temporary feeling and it will go away so fast, eventually making them sad again.

Or happiness is something that is so rare in their life that when it happens, they basically forget how to react to it.

Even worse, someone can think that their life is not worth of happiness at all, so they decide that whatever good things happen to their life is just a coincidence.

This leads to resentment and, in the end, it's hard or even impossible for them to feel grateful.

It's pretty hard for me to say that feeling that way is a right thing to do, (a reminder for my self too not to make so many excuses for certain thing because not gonna lie, i still struggle with this too).

Because for me, if we are still living, then everything that happens to our life is exactly like a hospital monitor. You are not going to be on the upswing forever, just like the downswing too. If its a straight line, then its a different story.

However, i have shifted my mind a bit when i read something that explains this behaviour of always thinking “worst scenario” or “negative outcomes” first before anything else is actually a way of self-defense or self-protection.

You imagine these negative situations first because you don’t know what might happen to you. So instead thinking about garden full of flowers and butterflies but in the end, the outcome is totally the opposite, you immediately think about a field full of angry kangaroos that are ready to punch you in the face and piles of pig poop that you need to clean up, because if that’s really the situation, you are prepared for that. But if its the opposite, you’re not going to feel disappointed.

Because of that explanation, i think now it’s reasonable for people to be this way. But something that is too much will do harm more than good to you.

Think about it, if you keep behaving this way, without you realizing it, you manifest those situations to happen.

You constantly think about the worst, and somehow under your subconscious mind, you start to feel less and less optimistic about the situation, and somehow it affects your actions.

Moreover, if you believe in the power of prayer and you believe in god and the angels, they can also hear you and your thoughts. Don't you think they would feel "offended" by the way you think? It's like not believing that they can send good things into this world for you. Also, what if because you’re extremely focus on that, they basically said “well if thats what you want, then okay i guess” wouldn't it be too bad?

Besides, don't you think that it's so tragic that your body, soul and brain have to feel that negative affirmation that you feed yourself without giving them a break to feel that light of sunshine?

I know it's tremendously hard to try to be happy or think about positive things that might happen to your life.

NOBODY EVER says its easy.

but perhaps, try to open yourself up for that, try to appreciate little things in your life.

Like being able to see, hear, taste and feel,

Having a place to sleep and eat,

Having loving 1 - 2 friends or family members that you know you can always go home to and they will open their arms as big as they could to welcome you,

Think about that energy-sucker and draining job that can pay your bills, foods and other things that satisfy you,

That one person that you know will always be there for you no matter what you are going through, far or near, happy or sad, ups and downs,

Even when you are reading this and you have a phone and brain to think, you should be grateful about that because it means that you have the privilege to see this writing.

If it's so hard for you to feel it for yourself,

Then try to do that for some part of your body. Like your eyes ; do you think it's easy for them to stay open for almost more than a half day???

Or your tastebud. Everyday, if you are in a case where you eat the same thing everyday, don’t you think they deserve to taste other foods?

Or even your brain who has numerous systems that work for YOU non-stop, yet you still think that it’s too much to feel grateful or happy for yourself and every systems or aspects of your body

Start from little things,

Anything, as long as it’s from you and to you.

Good things actually happen to us everyday, hours, minutes, even second, it’s us who is hard to look at it that way.

So just like Arthur said, we are the ones that have control over as well as we are the ones who decide to feel that way.

Because no matter how much shoes you have,

Designer clothes you own,

Five-star restaurant you visited,

Makeup that you never used in your drawer,

Or the lates device you upgrade yourself to,

You will never feel satisfied and happy if you, yourself choose to feel that way

so start from you.

[hoghtastic]

Anon,

Yes, I’m sure “you don’t get it” and you need an “explanation”🙄 Even though you took the time to read all of the asks on this blog (which you claim are all about Johanne). And then you took the time to write and send in an ask (as well as possibly other asks) concerning yourself with the anons who “study” all of Johanne’s posts. Sounds like your behavior is very similar🤷‍♀️

Anon, your last sentence “Her and Alex are not living together….yet” looks very similar to the sentence (“……she hasn’t actually moved in yet. Yet!”) in the ask titled “Responding to a couple of anons”. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are the same anon. In that ask you seemed very concerned with “proving” that Johanne didn’t post those pics to show everyone that she is living with Alex. You said that maybe Johanne was showing that her and Alex had just gotten out of bed. As if that’s any better🙄😆 Then you said that Johanne has posted her bed before and that you are certain Alex had just gotten up from the bed🙄 As more “proof” you said that you read a comment on Johanne’s post that mentioned how her apartment was decorated and that she is taking “good care of her apartment”. You said that the “elevator post” was just “a way for Johanne to show that even though Alex wasn’t with her at the premiere…….they are still together. And because Johanne wore a jacket and it was “cooler” she would “stay at his place that night🙄🤔👀 Girl, nobody knows 100% whether or not Alex and Johanne are living together (Btw, trying to draw everyone’s attention to that photo of Alex and Johanne kissing in the “Call me dad” series came off as a bit cringe to me. Trying to give Johanne more attention as usual. I think Alex and Johanne looked just as awkward and stiff as they did when they kissed at his birthday party. Zero chemistry😬).

So anon, that’s not “studying” Johanne’s posts? That’s not “reading too much” into her posts? You are not “contradicting yourself” too? You are not “spending too much time” looking at someone’s posts who you claim to “not be to fond of either” (which you had to mention twice👀). Although I don’t really believe you. Even if you are not that anon, you still sound like a “Johanne stan”. You believe that you know that they are not living together. And you just wanted to “defend” Johanne by trying to not make those posts look as desperate and attention seeking as they were.

You have the audacity to call other anons “stalkers”. Girl, you are engaging in the same behavior. And anon, who is “afraid” of Alex and Johanne living together? Who is “afraid” of their “relationship going further ahead”. I don’t think most fans give a s*** whether or not Alex and Johanne live together, get married, have a baby or whatever else. But maybe you do🤷‍♀️ Have you seen any asks from anyone crying or worried about Alex and Johanne possibly living together/etc? But I’m not surprised that you probably think every anon is “upset” or “jealous” about that happening. I don’t think the anons/admin are taking any of this seriously. I think this is a space for a little “girl talk”/“Alex gossip”. Just like the other old blogs that used to be active. It’s just entertainment at this point. It’s not that serious. Although it sounds like it might be serious for you.

It seems like you are analyzing Johanne’s posts. You probably “follow” Johanne and “give her all of your dedication” too. It sounds like you are just pretending not to like Johanne so that you can criticize everyone that truly doesn’t like her. And feel better about yourself/your own behavior. It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. Who are you to “police/monitor “other fans. And why do you even care🤷‍♀️ It’s typical of stans/fan pages to behave this way. This has been going on for years in the fandom. You love to call other fans “stalkers” while you follow Alex’s friends/family too, comment and like practically every single post of theirs and look at private pictures and videos sent to you by other fans or because of your own stalking. Johanne has chosen to make her relationship public (as well as Alex). She has chosen to post Alex, his apartment as well as other private and unnecessary content just for attention. Of course some fans are going to have an opinion about it. This is nothing new. Fans have been discussing Alex’s “private life” for years. And you have had the same “fake criticism” about some fans even before Alex had a “public girlfriend”. If you don’t like it, don’t read this blog? But of course you won’t. You love it😆😉

Anon to anon.

However, remember the most important thing here: “It’s just entertainment at this point. It’s not that serious.” 🙏💖 No need to fight each other over this, guys. And like I’ve said before, I’m sure there are a lot of other blogs with more suitable content for those who don’t like this one. The “X” button exists for a reason, so does blocking & unfollowing. 🤷‍♀️

[sleepysigh]

On a Review of Men (2022) by Youtuber Acolytes of Horror

I just watched a video regarding some of the thematic and cinematographic choices in the film Men, which you can watch here. Spoilers for Men (2022) and warnings for gore, jump scares, abuse, misogyny, etc etc it's a horror movie called Men, you get it.

I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed the reviewer's expertise and reading of the film, especially through the lense of poetry.

However… There was a moment in the video I felt I had to respond to, regarding the string of intense and surreal images near the end of the film and the odd choices made by both the protagonist and antagonist(s). The Acolytes of Horror didn't understand why she seemed numb, slow, strangely compliant, strangely chill with all of it.

He didn't understand why we see a decaying deer, either. Some other things were thought provoking as well. So, I wrote mine down because I do my best thinking by writing, and I might as well share them.

The answer to your huge, central "why" is hiding on the tongue of every woman who has ever been in an abusive relationship. These feelings, especially in the cycle they're shown, are what women genuinely feel through their lives from men. It's very straightforward.

The weaponization of love by a man who cannot solve his own emotional problems without the service of an unwilling woman who once (and maybe still) loved/loves him is the first formative experience many women have with a romantic partner. The residual trauma and fear after he victimizes her in one of the worst ways a person can, this is carried in many of us.

The recognition of this impulse in men all around you, this subtle exertion of control, this unspoken threat driven by entitlement you can't understand, shapes your perception. They all might as well be the same predator if, despite carrying themselves differently and wearing different clothing, they all take the same actions -- they affect you, threaten you, challenge your safety in EXACTLY the same way.You play minesweeper and flag them and leave.

And then the fear. The ones who stare at you, who chase you, who don't want to LET you leave. They are naked and in nature, from nature, because they belong there; they are animalistic. Theirs is an ancient, devolved violence, not so different from a vestigial limb. Why the deer image? If you have been near a man in this state, you know they are like a deer with wasting disease: not yet dead but certainly no longer recognizably the same living creature. They may be violent, they may spread their poison to others, they may be harmless.

Have you ever interacted with or seen such a deer? They stumble jerkily from the woods sometimes and ram themselves into cars, sometimes they do it repeatedly until they die. They are deer, but they do not behave like any deer you have ever seen. Men infected with toxic masculinity, with such powerful entitlement over women that it drives them to justify violence and physical violation, they are the same thing to us, just this time it's our own species. She might as well have been stalked in the woods by a mountain lion, and it would have been naked too because it too would have seen no need for dignity or subterfuge. That's the whole point.

The rapid images towards the end that grow more and more surreal, in which she makes strange choices and allows herself to be hurt or endangered, well… Consider how you would react if you realized your lover had rabies, wanted to destroy you, but was pretending not to. What else would you doubt about your fundamental understanding of reality? Wouldn't you disbelieve, at least for a moment, searching for some other explanation, some solution, some alternative, something?

Have you ever sat at the foot of a bed while someone a foot taller with 50lbs of muscle more than you have who once lifted you weightless in their arms and promised to love you to their last breath shouts at the top of their lungs that you are a liar, a bitch, worthless, stupid, pathetic because you interrupted their video game time? Have you had someone give you a gift and then destroy it in front of you after judging that the thanks you gave were not effusive enough, telling you this wouldn't happen if you weren't so stuck up and ungrateful? Have you ever been chased by a wild carnivorous animal that has a key to your house, access to your bank account, and has spent the last two years subtly making your friends believe you are untrustworthy?

The confusion that slowly reduces fear to disgust, disappointment, paralysis, numbness, and lack of self-preservation is precisely, EXACTLY what it feels like to be abused by a man you trust. Especially a romantic partner you have been with for a long time and admired. The mewling entitlement, as you put it, makes some men behave so ridiculously that you stop feeling plain fear and begin to feel unreal. If it's a man you love, you don't just run like you would from a stranger. Why is he doing this? Is he sick? Did something happen? Why is he accusing me of something I didn't do? He said he liked to hear my opinions, but now he's calling me a nag. Why? Why? What happened? Did I do something?

It didn't used to be this way, so it must be possible to fix it. He loves me. He gave me gifts and made me happy in the past. We have plans for the future. I owe it to him to stay. I can do things I don't like if it will really make him happy. I can forgive him if he really didn't mean it. I can help him understand. I can help him come back to himself. He didn't mean to do all this. We're going to find out why this happened together and then we'll be a team again.

I don't think it's coincidental that her moment of no-self-preservation happens after he stuns her by forcing his seed into her mouth. The theft of her voice is only the first step in the attempted theft and ultimate destruction of her will, her self. The infectious entitlement doesn't make women behave the same way, but if they believe it even a little, it makes them compliant, doesn't it? It makes them try again with men who will hurt them, doesn't it? And it takes physical violence to bring her back to self-preservation, as it so often does for us, too.

And at last when she is frozen watching him, now that he has finally stopped pursuing for a moment and has something to show her, now that he seems weak and really in need of her… With the last of the goodwill she has, that little flame that women carry so well no matter how men try to drown it, she remains watching and learning. Even to this moment, in her heart of hearts, if she knew for absolute certain it would never happen again, that he had a good reason after all, that he was sorry, that he truly loved her, even to this moment she would forgive him. (Such is the magnificence of the curse placed on women as we are today, that this extraordinary gift is ours to offer, and yet men never seem to qualify.)

Now she, and you, find out your big why. Other men. Other men hurt him. Other men insulted him. Other men neglected him. Other men infected him with their entitlement. Other men told him he needed her and how to use her. Other men told him he was nothing if he couldn't capture and keep her. Other men told him she was polite and he could use that. Other men told him she was caring and he could use that. They told him she was alone. They told him try hunting in the woods. They told him it would still be enough, still make things right, if when she denied him for the final time, he made her believe she killed him herself.

And here he is sweating and grunting with the pain of what other men have done, and the pain of doing it to them, and he looks to her. All this could be avoided if she just capitulated. All this suffering, she could stop it, if only she would love him. Does she want him to keep killing himself because of her? Can't she see it's her fault? Can't she see she's responsible for cleaning up this mess and helping him feel better? Doesn't she want to just make everything okay?

But it's reminiscent of real birth in an insulting way. It's reminiscent of men who "help" do dishes by running the washer with the cups facing up and your favorite mug chipped to pieces in the lower rack. It's a fetid, pathetic imitation of what women are able to do, and it mocks their ability by comparing itself to them. All this misery swallowed by fathers and regurgitated into the mouths of boys, and instead of innocence and new life, instead of hope and potential, instead of something from almost nothing, all you can make is a dying predator? He wants her to help him through the process as if he is giving her the gift of life, but all he can breed is fear.

So she looks down with well-earned disgust and scoffs, not just because he's wrong. Not just because he's selfish, trying to avoid fixing his own problems by pawning them on her, but because she finally knows that he is so clueless he could never understand what he is or what he's doing even if she explained it. She finally cannot love him anymore. It wasn't a misunderstanding; he is simply disgusting, after all. The image of him beginning to strangle her with he hand she mangled protecting herself from him is such a powerful metaphor for the weaponization of guilt and how disgusting it really is.

He has been nursing the infection for a long time and didn't seek professional help. (As in real life, why pay a therapist when you can force your wife to work through it all with you and bear it all alone.) Just like the deer with wasting disease, the symptoms show, it is too late. The animal is already dead. All you can do is kill it mercifully.

Of course, you have to try and avoid getting its brains on anything when it dies, or that too will become noxious with infection. As poetic images go, I am reminded of the many manifestos of such infected men, preserved and circulated as they are in putrid cultural sinkholes where men still voluntarily use such material to infect themselves and others.

In that moment she does not see a man, she sees a carcass. She sees rot wearing the face of someone she loves, mindlessly pursuing her capture and destruction without any true logic behind it. Refusing to understand that only YOU can kill yourself. Only men can protect men from this. Socially, culturally, we can find many why's. We spend a great deal of talking about what is and is not a "why". But for her, in this moment, with this man she has cared for, she discovered the truth as it pertains to her: there is no why.

There is no why that has a single thing to do with her, personally. It's not something she did. It's not something she is. It's not a habit she has. It's not because she doesn't have sex as often, she put on a little weight, she cut her hair, she gets crabby doing dishes after work. He's rotten inside from something that came long, long before she was even born. He has been gone for a long time. There was never going to be anything she could do.

The disgust for this thing in front of you, the decaying shell of something pretending to be a person you loved, which will continue to do so even after you are gone, one way or another, is indescribable. The relief, the happiness to discover that you did not do this, the soaring freedom to refuse your love, is sublime.

Words are just another vector for infection, so the disease makes its victim tell her she did not give him enough love, not what she owes him, but she has seen how he got to be this way now. She knows the why of history. She knows there isn't a why that could fit between them on this couch, and it wasn't actually her job to uncover it, and she is not losing a loved one or a teammate or a future because the person she planned her future with is already gone and may have never existed.

James's terrible wounds, even his arm, are the product of the choice and beliefs of men. Who but men would make him think he could grab her that way and escape harm? They are part of something that has absolutely no idea who she is. It was just searching for a woman in order to manifest its next stage of symptoms. It seeks a woman because without at least one son, it cannot propagate. It seeks any woman for prestige, or comfort, or self-esteem from having one.

As much as the men could have been the same man over and over, she could have been any woman at all and it wouldn't have changed a thing. James didn't look like the Man to her. He fooled her that way. She didn't know to flag him and keep sweeping, that's all.

But now she knows. Now she knows the rules of the game, and more importantly, she knows that men for the most part DON'T. They don't know why they're doing what they're doing. They don't know they've been infected and are becoming lost inside the rot of toxic entitlement that has taken hold in their minds. They don't know she doesn't have to keep playing the same game. They never thought it necessary to know her at all.

When you've taken enough abuse and finally have a moment of clarity about your situation, especially if he leaves you and expects you to take an ego blow and come crawling back, you experience this moment of freeing joy. You can just log off. It never mattered what you did, and this isn't different. Everyone's gotten a game over in minesweeper, even SO close to winning. Hell, aren't there a lot of people who never win minesweeper and just decide to stop playing anyway?

You thought he changed. You thought you had to hold on as the chaos tried to separate you. You wondered if you had changed, whether you should change, whether he had changed you. Now you see that he has not changed at all, and there is no reason to think he will. He will still be the same mountain lion, stalking you on sight, pursuing you to capture and annihilate you. But you don't have to treat him like someone you love, or respect, or owe anything.

You remember suddenly that false premise you had: if he changed, we can change him back. You could change yourself back. You could be the woman who first met him, who didn't need a thing from him, who was living and breathing and worthy of serenity all the same.

You can disappear. You can escape. You don't have to date again, if you don't want to. You don't have to get married or move in with someone. You have friends who can drive you where you need to go to start playing an entirely different game. You can make every man who pursues you keep his distance as long as you like, and you can always, always get your freedom back when you need it.

This whole deal he has going on, this scream and crying and violence and threats of suicide and GUILT GUILT GUILT thing? It has nothing to do with you! The meaningless noises of a sick animal. And now that you can look back and see the trail of burned bridges and salted earth he's left behind, you're happy to let him enmesh himself in nature. Sick things in nature get better or they die, and either way they can't hurt you anymore as long as you keep away.

Let him go to his forest and stalk in circles, drooling aimlessly with no woman to pursue. Soon enough he will come to his senses, or he will starve. He might eventually lie down for good and feed the trees whose leaves you admired so serenely in the cloudy sunshine as a balm for your grief and confusion.

He never has to matter to you again. No man does. You were good, and you deserved none of it, and now you can leave it behind you. Nothing compares to the final moment when you reach up and slip the rope from your own neck, laughing bittersweetly to know you could have done it any time.