#I genuinely don't know why it's gotten so much worse like I didn't change my meds I didn't change my diet I didn't change my habits

[hamartia-grander]

so my general paranoia has always been pretty bad (hi ocd) but I thought it was more manageable the past few years as I've matured and gotten better at catching myself before I spiral, but recently (as in the past three weeks or so) it's been so bad that I do things impulsively as I'm spiralling without even realising it and it's been negatively affecting the way I perceive how friends think of me which I do NOT want to start happening again because that sucked. Idk why it's happening but I'd be grateful for any advice idrk what else to say about it.

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook:Sugar & Spice (Intro)

In which Jungkook really wants people to love you just as much as he does - or maybe not.

Tags/Warnings: Raccoon Hybrid!Reader x Idol!Jungkook, established relationship, opposites attract because I love that concept, are you tired of my hybrid stories yet because I'm not, fluff, romance, smut, jealous koo, slice of life, mild ddlg themes

Chapter length: short

Other content: Spoiled, Calm

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"I forgot.." you mumble quietly, a little ashamed about your entire situation as you've just had to explain to your boyfriend that yes, you've just gotten your period, and yes- you've probably now stained his nice expensive little sofa in his studio.

"It's fine, see?" He mumbles before casually wiping the leather with a tissue before throwing it into the trashcan nearby. "Didn't even stain at all. Do you wanna go change?" He asks casually, looking at you - before he clicks his tongue, the clear waters in your eyes a telltale sign of your typically emotional reaction to things like these. "Come here, crybaby, everything's fine!" He laughs a little, letting you cling onto him as you hide in embarrassment.

"I don't feel good." You whine into his chest, and he chuckles.

"I know baby." He says, as he pats your head. "You wanna go wash up?"

"But I don't have anything to change.." you complain, now getting even more frustrated.

"Bullshit. I've got your pyjama pants here somewhere-" He says, parting from you to search for the clothing item before he crawls.. underneath his desk?

"What're you doing, Kookie?" You giggle a little, watching him pull out a simple black canvas bag that he opens the zipper of.

"Excuse me? You think after what- 4 years I wouldn't be prepared for shit like this?" He proudly claims, before holding up one of your period-slash-heat pull ups- something you've been horrified of telling him about the first two years of your relationship with him, too fearful of how he might react to it. But you've learned soon enough that while Jungkook does sometimes get a little mean in his fun with others around him, he's not a bad guy at all. He's just a bit clumsy at times.

"Why do you have them here?" You whine, grabbing after the pair he's got in his hand.

"Why not?" He shrugs. "Your heats can start random as shit, and your periods are even worse. Better safe than sorry." He simply answers, closing the bag and shoving it back underneath the desk. "Now go change, I'll prepare the couch so you can nap." He jokes, smacking your thigh as you get up to follow his word.

Pulling out a blanket, he puts everything he knows you'll appreciate where he thinks it'll be good, before he checks his phone.

Only recently, he's gone public. While fans knew you existed, they didn't know much about you, nor that you and Jungkook weren't just platonic but a genuine relationship. And while he'd been prepared for what surely was to come, he'd been surprised by the welcoming reaction of the fans, many already expecting it and others defending that he's a person who deserves a private life.

And so, he's been more open with you, company even allowing you to now be seen in behind the scenes footage, and even publishing professional photos from backstage of you. People became pretty much just as charmed as he himself had been years ago- happily accepting you as a part of it all now, and he couldn't have been luckier.

But at the same time, he starts feeling just a little upset at the comments some fans keep repeating.

"She's so cute, I wish I had a hybrid like her!"

"Honestly though, if hybrids were allowed to be idols, she'd definitely be the visual of the generation!"

"She kind of seems almost too nice for Jungkookie~!"

"You think she ever feels lonely at home? I mean, he's at work all the time.."

"Jungkookie?" You ask, and he snaps his head up from his phone, boiling emotions quickly forgotten at the sight of you holding your fluffy striped tail in your hands. "Can you take a nap with me?" You wonder quietly, and he internally swells with pride.

"Of course, baby bear." He chuckles before joining you on the couch, holding you close and tightly just how he knows you like it. Does he leave you alone too much? Do you feel lonely sometimes? He's interested in the answer, but scared of it just as much- so he won't ask the questions. He'll just hold you, love you, and care for you.

Because the love you have is special, and nothing will break you both apart. Not time, not work, and for sure, not his career.

Hopefully.

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the Asshole for refusing to wash my sister's boyfriend's things?

I (22 NB) have a little sister (19F) with whom I used to be very very close. I'm talking she was my best friend, the person I loved the most, someone that I could rely on even when we had little fights here and there.

It all started when she and her boyfriend (20M) got together. At first nothing really changed since they were best friends before and kinda dating without dating, and I was genuinely really happy for her. I knew him casually from him being her friend and thought he was okay.

Our sibling relationship has really deteriorated ever since they started dating, though. I saw that she was starting to do unreasonable things for his sake (like almost peeing her pants because she didn't wanna "bother his family" by asking for the bathroom after driving an hour and a half to pick him up) and it raised some alarm through all our family, but she doubled down and basically barricaded me out of her personal life as much as she could. Blocked me everywhere, texts to make sure I'm not home if she's gonna be around, that kind of thing. It really made me sad, but honestly its not like I can force her to have a relationship.

Now here is where I might be the asshole.

She's gotten into the habit of playfully "stealing" stuff from him and just leaving it around the house. We have tupperware, cutlery, and of course SO many clothes all belonging to him. I usually do some chores like the laundry when I can, and it used to include her clothes. But recently I just got fed up of doing laundry and having to wash this guy's stuff. He's not even MY guest, and I don't see why I have to wash his underwear when he very reasonably can do it at home.

I told my sister that if she wants to wash his stuff here, even if she's the one wearing it and not him, she has to do it herself. My mom backed me up on it, but my sister got really really upset because she feels that I'm setting this boundary because because I have a classist prejudice against her boyfriend. She said that I am already washing her clothes and my mom's, and the only difference is that they're not as expensive as ours, and so I must have a bias against him.

(For context: One of the reasons I don't like said boyfriend is because he tells my sister she's morally worse than him because we're middle class and he isn't, and I think its super hypocritical that they talk like that and still ask us for a LOT of money for their dates and stuff)

I hadn't thought about that when I talked about the clothes, honestly. I was just sick of him being this invisible roommate I didn't consent to having there. But now I'm wondering if my bias is actually showing. I know I'm privileged, and that privilege is often invisible to those who have it, so now I'm wondering if it really would be so bad to just shut up and ignore his clothes mixed in with ours when I do the laundry. Just because I don't like him doesn't mean I have to be bigoted towards him.

Tldr: My sister's boyfriend is of a lower socioeconomic class. I don't like him for a variety of reasons, but mostly I refuse to wash his clothes with ours and told my sister to do it herself. She accuses me of having a bigoted bias towards his stuff because its not as "nice" as ours.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[lostonehero]

Fuck it more werewolf Martin

Martin was used to the feeling of eyes on him. It came with the heightened senses, so he got used to the feeling. However, today wasn't that simple. Elias refused his time off, which again he couldn't fault the man he didn't tell him exactly why he needed it nor will he. He knew everyone was watching him, and no matter how much they tried to comfort him, he still wasn't entirely comfortable repeating last month.

"Hey Martin, are you alright?" Jon gave a small smile.

Martin gave a frustrated sigh. "I'm fine like I've been saying." He sighs again. "I'm sorry, I'm just getting annoyed at the same questions. It's not your fault or anyone else's. This is new to you guys, and it's not to me. I don't mean to snap. My nerves are just frayed, and I think Elias has gotten curious why I always request off early on the full moon."

Jon nods. "In his defense, you've developed quite the routine. Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that it's kind of predictable." He frowns and sighs. "I'm sorry that was rude."

Martin shakes his head and chuckles. "No, no, it's quite alright. You're not wrong, and if worse comes to worse, I can head to the tunnels. I can't accidentally hurt anyone in there since nobody lives down there." He scratches his arm. "Just try not to stay late today."

"My actions shouldn't affect you." Jon raised his brow.

"Actually, I think Elias sent you an email, but he told me I have to make sure you're not alone when you leave. Something about Gertrude's body and police investigation." Martin frowns. "Just stay safe, Jon."

"Right, I should check my email, and I will do my best today." Jon smiles again. "If it's not too much trouble, could you make some tea?"

"Oh right, no trouble." Martin smiles, and Jon knew if his tail was visible, it would be wagging as he headed to the breakroom.

"Your flirting sucks." Tim tosses some paperclips at Jon.

"I told you that in confidence!" Jon huffs stomping back to his office.

Tim snickers as Martin pokes his head back out. "Don't worry, Marto, Jon's just missing his daily tea."

Martin nods with a raised brow.

......

Martin jolted up as someone tapped on his desk. "Oh uh hello Elias." He wipes the drool from the side of his mouth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Elias raised a brow and then smiled. "My apologies, Martin, but it is getting late, and I was checking if Jon was still here. I'm happy to see you have followed my rules and can never be too careful."

"R-right." Martin glances at the computer screen, and the time flashes in his face, and he could feel his shoulders drop. Elias is going to know. He didn't even have enough time to run to the tunnel. He pushes himself back. "Sir, you should go into Jon's office."

"Now Martin, I know it's late, but I'm sure Jon can handle things just fine." Elias took a step back as a loud crack filled the quiet space.

Martin grit his teeth and took a breath. "It... it.." He groans as he falls forward, curling against the floor as his body changes.

Elias continued to walk backward as Martin shifted and grew. A large, no a massive wolf stood in his place. An avatar of the hunt? No, that wasn't right he would be able to see that. Was this a leitner? No, again, that would be one of the fears, and he would know. What on earth was Martin? His back hit the wall as Martin skulked towards him. "Martin?" He was completely out of his depth and felt genuine fear, and he knew his patron was watching drinking his fear and watching.

Martin bared his teeth and towered over Elias. He didn't let Elias have a moment before sharp teeth tore into his arm. He growled low and haunting, releasing his jaws and licking the blood from his chops.

Elias muffled his scream the best he could, holding his broken, bloodied arm. "F-Fuck."

"MARTIN!' Jon shouted from his open office door, and the giant wolf trotted over to him and laid down in front of him. "F-fuck Elias, are you ok?" He rushed around Martin to Elias. "Shit, I'll call an ambulance."

Elias knew he was going into shock from the pain as he sunk to the floor. He couldn't even hear Jon call for medical aid. All he did was stare at Martin, who only stared back with a knowing gaze that he couldn't fathom. He pushed his luck too hard and got burned.

......

Martin really hated hospitals. He hated the overwhelming smell, and he hated the sterile rooms and the machines that made too much noise. Yet he put his large body into a chair sitting besides his boss which he had to explain everything to him because he fucking turned him. He knew he felt cornered, and he tried to warn him. He felt horrible. Now he has to explain why he suddenly looks younger and how long werewolves actually live. He barely told the others the basic information. He knows for a fact that bleeding eyes aren't a symptom, and he shouldn't be asleep this long. Maybe he wanted to lose his werewolf status in place of what he was. At least, then he wouldn't be able to turn anyone.

Elias stirred. Everything was too loud, and a sudden assault of smells made him gag. He couldn't see... he couldn't fucking see. Where was his patron? He could feel himself start to hyperventilate, and something warm grabbed his arm. He opened his eyes and focused on his employee Martin.

"Hey, it's ok. The senses take a bit to get used to, but just give it a moment. I know hospitals aren't the greatest. All the noise and sterile smells, but you're fine. You should have woken up like 3 days ago, but I don't know how the turning affects everyone differently. That probably makes no sense to you, and I'm probably rambling, but I'm going to help you through this. I did try to warn you to hide in Jon's office, but it doesn't matter now that i dragged you into this world. Oh, uh, don't be alarmed. You do look younger, but that's normal werewolves, live much longer than humans, and you probably won't start graying again for a few hundred years, at least. You'll change more before your transformation, but um, I'm here to help with questions and everything." Martin gives a nervous smile. "Oh, uh, I already filled out the forms, and uh, right, I should stop talking. You have questions."

Elias blinks and looks down his arm isn't broken. He knows the bones shattered with that bite. It looked like it's been healed for years, but he knew that was impossible. He flexed his hand and raised his arm. He noticed something else. The normal aches from aging seemed to have vanished, and he felt really good. He took a breath, mulling over the rambling mess the man said to him. "What are you?"

Martin blinks. "I mean, I told you, and you're one now too." He sighs. "The proper term is lycanphtory, but I prefer werewolf since it's not really a syndrome or in your head. I know you'll need a bit to process this. I uh again I'm really sorry." He sits back down in his chair, hugging his chest.

Elias frowned he couldn't just switch patrons on a whim, and he had never heard of an avatar being infected to become a different avatar. Werewolves didn't exist... he can't really argue that fact since he has irrevocable truth staring at him. Ok, logically turning completely cut him off from the Beholder. He can't even feel the end and he's in a fucking hospital. He needed to talk to Peter and test a growing theory in his mind. "Martin, what is going to happen?"

"Well, right now, you'll be discharged, and you can go home, but uh, that isn't what you're asking. Well, you'll notice cravings for meat, which you do have to consume more of. Hair growth is something you have to control. I suggest getting razors if you don't like body hair. You can already feel your senses cranked to 11, but that will get stronger than now. Your hearing will get sharper as well, and you'll be able to see in the dark. The major stuff will happen during your first full moon, but for now, just listen to your body and cravings it will help you. Also, don't fight the change it makes things so much more painful." Martin clicks his tongue. "Oh, you'll also have to get registered with local hunters so you aren't targeted as a rouge wolf or one of the cultists trying to turn humanity. I have already started the paperwork, but you'll need to sign and read through it."

Elias blinked. "What other creatures are there?"

Martin whistles. "There's isn't enough time in the day for that, sir. We're hidden from humanity for a reason. It would be madness if the world knew the truth." He grabs the paperwork from the seat next to him. "These are for you, and my number is on top. The doctors here are aware, and uh, once you're done, just leave it on the side. There's some clothes that they also got from you. I have to go home and I'll tell Jon you're ok."

Elias takes a breath and starts to go through the papers, reading everything even the obnoxious body changes, and you packet after Martin leaves.

.....

The sun had long dipped below the horizon as Elias groaned, unable to get comfortable on his couch. Martin wasn't lying when he talked about the heightened senses that would be a hassle. He stared at his phone, Peter still hadn't answered his texts or calls, and he was tempted to try again when a laugh caught his attention. "I don't need the obnoxious laughter whoever you are."

A person thin with long black hair and piercings and an assortment of eye tattoos that can be seen through his black clothing appears. "Man, Jonah I would of never put my money on this."

"Gerald Keays, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Elias narrows his gaze as the smell of dust and blood filled his senses.

"Technically, I am dead. Turns out getting bitten by some dude outside a bar, thinking he was drunk the day before I ended up in the hospital wasn't exactly the best thing. Turns out he wasn't drunk he was hungry, and now I'm a vampire but also stuck in a book. Honestly, I have no idea why I trusted that woman. It's probably because of my abusive mum. Anyway, I'm a vampire." Gerald floats down to stare. "Also, you should get rid of the welcome mat if you didn't want me inside. Honestly, a werewolf didn't see that coming. The so-called fear patrons only affect humans and have no bearing on us. Must of sucked when your connection was severed when you turned."

Elias pinched his brow. "Why are you here?"

"A few reasons... I'm friends with Martin, and he really feels bad about turning you. I'm also part of the welcome committee for new turns. Also, as much as you are a bastard nobody should really have to go through this shit alone. I woke up in a mourge alone, starving, and I killed the poor intern who checked the bodies. Self-control isn't easy. I'm honestly shocked at how well Martin keeps his instincts in check. Also, thanks for killing Gertrude, bitch let me die and then tore my being in half shoving it into a book. I mean fuck I have to wait for someone to burn my page to feel whole again." Gerald stops and snaps his fingers. "Right one more thing, your old French lover Barnabas, yeah, he didn't die in the lonely, he became a siren before the lonely finished him off. Surprisingly, he isn't mad at you more, so he actually wants to see you. Anyway, I'll be around for that drama. Yeah, I think that's about it. Welcome to the actual supernatural you old fuck." He vanishes from sight and soon Elias can't smell him.

Elias blinks and swallows. Oh, Peter is going to hate Barnabas. He should apologize to him or write a letter. He's going to do both, and he's technically still divorced to Peter.

......

Martin sighs as he lays in his bed. "Gerry, did you really have to tease him?"

"Oh, absolutely." Gerry hums as he pulls out his coffin. "I mean, it's funny. Also, I didn't lie about anything. I promise you that. Relax, he's fine all cozy in his mansion."

"Are you ok?" Martin pauses looking over.

"Honesty, yeah. I mean, I do miss the original Elias, but Jonah isn't complete trash. He can't even do the apocalypse now, not that it would have affected us regardless, and shit I mean, I'm glad he doesn't have to go through it alone." Gerry stops and sighs. "Besides, he's still trying to figure out his senses. He's not used to not being able to see anything he wants."

"Alright." Martin cracks his back as he sits up. "I'm working tomorrow, so if my mother calls, please don't uh well...."

"I won't yell at her like last time." Gerry sighs.

"Thank you." Martin smiles.

"Have you told them the truth?" Gerry hums, sinking into his coffin and putting his phone on the lid to watch videos.

"Absolutely not." Martin gets up from his bed.

"You know your father isn't going to stay put once, Barnabas is out and about. You really should have told them you were born into this not being turned." Gerry slips his lid on.

Martin groans. "I was turned!"

"To hide your true being, which I may remind you won't last much longer!" Gerry shouts through his coffin.

.....

A blonde man with sharp features and a soft smile and a navy blue suit on. His accent was quite thick even for someone who hadn't lived in France for a long time. His blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail. His green eyes seemed to sparkle as he approached the front desk. "Hello there, Madam. I was wondering if Mr. Bouchard was allowing any friendly visits?"

The woman looked up from her computer and smiled. "I will page him right now, Mr?"

"Barnabas, we have a history, and I was wondering if he would like to chat." Barnabas smiles with teeth that seemed too sharp.

Rosie puts her phone down and smiles. "His office is right down at the end of the hall. Have a nice chat."

Barnabas nods as he strolls down the hall and lightly knocks on the door. "Hello, Mr. Magnus?"

An unfamiliar voice answered as the door was opened to reveal a man with familiar green eyes but nothing else that was recognizable. He had gelled back brown hair earrings, a pale complexion, and a very pretty face that held an all too familiar smile. "Barnabas, it really is you." He let's out a breath.

"I didn't think Jack was right about the rumors about you. Alas, he tends to be correct about most things that annoying American. How have you've been? I must say you've built this place up quite nicely." Barnabas smiles, showing off his teeth. "Now you don't have to change your body, although I do like the slimmer figure you never did hold muscles well. I hold no ill will towards what happened at that point. I realized that looking back, there wasn't anything you could do without getting trapped as well. Although the ocean did come to my rescue with your sea legs, I don't think you would have fancied any better."

Elias swallows. "I go by Elias now." He smiles again. "Now I may be new to this world, but I would love to catch up over tea if that is still amenable."

"Oh, I'm sure, you must forgive me it's been ages since I've been back in London. I've been working at a university in America. I must tell you I would rather have Britain than that place. However the work is good and you'll be meeting a few colleges. I suppose that is another reason why I'm here. I work at Cicada Research University." Barnabas smiles. "Good, you've gotten our correspondence. I was volunteered to be the welcoming committee, but I feel much better about it now that I know you're here. I look forward to working together."

"So is this for business or pleasure?" Elias smiles.

"Oh, why not both? I've missed our fun. Although nothing serious, I'd rather become loose in my old age." Barnabas snickers as Elias takes out a bottle of wine.

"I seem to be currently divorced, so that makes this perfect timing." Elias chuckles.

"Now, who would marry you? Don't tell me you've roped a woman into the fray. I had no idea you held such inclinations." Barnabus hums.

"Nonesense, his name is Peter Lukas of the Lukas family. I am 70 years his senior, but that has never stopped us." Elias pours two glasses. "Although I'm sure he won't mind, he was the one to insist on the divorce this time."

Barnabas takes the glass and smiles, taking a sip. "A shame he would let you go, but good for me in that regard. I look forward to tonight."

Elias raises his glass. "And to our future partnership."

Barnabas matches the raise.

.......

"So how is double boss handling the whole change?" Tim leans forward on his desk.

Martin shrugs. "He seems fine, just a bit overwhelmed. He hasn't reached out yet, but he didn't scowl at me this morning."

"Martin, that can't be a good standard." Sasha sighs.

"I did turn him. I expect some hostility even if that's just new instincts." Martin sighs. "I know he's fine. I just worry."

Jon hums. "In your defense, you did warn him."

"Not that it mattered he didn't listen." Tim motions with his hands.

"That's not the point." Martin huffs. "Three weeks till the next full moon. I'll help him through it. You three are not welcome."

"Won't he just be a big puppy like you?" Sasha raised her brow.

"No! I don't even know why I was like that with you guys. Besides, the first turn is incredibly dangerous for anyone around them. They will be feral, and I'll just have to be nearby, and I might even fight him." Martin frowns. "Maybe the next one after he settled, but that wouldn't be up to me."

"Damnit, I wanted puppy cuddles." Tim huffs. "Fine, I'll wait for another full moon. You wound me Martin."

Martin smiles. "I'm not a puppy."

"You act like one with the way you use that tongue of yours." Jon regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

Martin's face with a bright red as Tim wolf whistles as Jon locks himself in his office.

......

"Monsuir Blackwood, it is nice to see you outside a phone photo." Barbabas smiles and bows politely. "Oh, no wonder your father was quite elated when he realized we were doing a joint research project with the Magnus Institute."

Elias raised a brow. "You two are acquainted?"

"Oh no, I know his father, he uses the name Jack these days an annoying American and an unfortunate drugging resulted in Blackwood although you would never be able to tell by the way he just dotes on the man." Barnabas hums.

Martin frowns and rubs his arm.

Elias hums. "Well, I'm sure he will come around with the rest of your team. This is Barnabas Bennett, a researcher from the Cicada Research University in America. They will be transferred over here to start our working relationship. Please treat them with kindness, and please share the information they request."

"I really need to stop ignoring emails." Tim sighs.

Elias sighs and pinches his brow. "I hope your team isn't as.... new as mine is."

Barnabas sighs. "I would rather them new."

Tim snorts.

Sasha smiles and holds out her hand. "Welcome, Mr. Bennett, I look forward to working with you and your team."

"Ah, please, no need for formalities, Barnabas is quite alright." Barnabas shakes her hand. "And you are?"

"Ah, I'm Sasha, I see you already know Martin, and Jon is in his office recording a statement. Tim was the one making jokes. If you need help, feel free to ask away." Sasha smiles and points to an empty desk. "You can take that desk there, and I'm sure we'll have enough desks for your team."

Elias claps. "Now I'll let you get settled in. You all know where my office is if you have any concerns, but please, if it's not an emergency, use my email. I'll be heading back to my office now. Play nice, everyone." He leaves with a wave.

Barnabas takes a seat at his computer and places his bag down. "Blackwood, it's nice to finally see you in person. If it's not too much trouble could you help me with your computer system?"

Martin nods and walks over.

Tim and Sasha share a look and start to discuss something quietly.

......

"Martin, why didn't you tell us about your dad?" Tim huffs holding a bear in his hands.

"Because my mom raped him?" Martin frowns. "I only met him when I was 18."

"Shit that's fucked up." Sasha sighs spinning her drink. "Sorry for forcing the issue." She gives a side eye to Tim.

"No, no, it's fine. I've never really thought about it. He's really nice and offered to adopt me after things, but I had to take care of my mom. He sends me little American care packages, and we talk regularly over the phone. I didn't think he would come by on a research merger of sorts he's kind of a big head of that institute."

Jon raised his brow. "Really? What does he teach?"

"Uh, he teaches many different subjects, mostly field research and training. He's got like 5 different degrees. Granted, you would never be able to tell with him." Martin smiles softly. "He's kind, and I dunno. I guess I'm glad he talks about me to his coworkers."

"Of course, he's proud of his boy." Tim raised his bottle. "Barnabas is an odd guy, though I think he's like Elias's ex or something."

"They're too friendly for them to be exes." Sasha hums. "Maybe friends?"

"Exes can remain friends." Jon mutters into his glass.

"I mean, yeah, but not that close. I swear I saw Barnabas grab Elias's ass." Sasha finishes her drink. "But like, isn't Elias married?"

"Divorced." Tim corrects. "He's divorced, so like no issue there. Even with that, he's rich. Don't rich people get away with that stuff?"

"I really would like to not discuss our boss's sex life." Jon gives a heavy sigh.

"I second that." Martin leans back. "Thanks for not making a big deal of it."

Tim smiles softly. "Of course not. Family shit is complicated. Ain't nobody going to give you a hard time unless they go through me."

Sasha nods. "Damn right, you're one of us, Martin. we are ride or die."

Jon smiles softly, reaching his hand out. "We're here for you even if you don't want to talk about it."

Martin smiles, getting teary-eyed. "I love you guys."

......

Tim shudders he couldn't help it the man in front of him towered over him had a face that screams don't fuck with him and he looks like he could break him in any way he chooses with a single figure. "H-how can I help you?" He didn't mean to stutter either.

The man shifts, looking down at Tim. Ha managed to corner him before he reached inside the building. He smiles with too many teeth. "Do you work here?"

Tim wanted to lie, but he knew he really shouldn't, especially to someone who could break him in half. "I do, and I happen to be running late, so I should go." He internally screams as the man places a hand on his shoulder.

"Now, could you help me out? I'm supposed to be working here for the foreseeable future as a sign of good faith to strengthen our collaboration. I just don't know where I should go to start." The man smiles his American accent doesn't exactly help calm down Tim.

"Will you stop scaring your new coworkers?" Barnabas came up behind them with Elias next to him.

"I was just asking a question." The man crosses his arms. "I see you've already settled in."

Barnabas sighs. "Come along. I'll show you. You really need to leave the kids alone."

"I was just asking for directions." The man sighs. "Not my fault. I'm tall."

Tim chuckles nervously. Following behind them.

Elias hums, heading in behind them. He's just enjoying the show.

......

"Martin!" The mountain of a man pulls the other man into a tight hug. "Look at how big you are, my perfect big guy."

Tim blankly stares and realizes that is Jack, that is Martin's father. He was still terrifying, and he couldn't place down why he liked big burly men, but something about him scared him.

Martin pushes the larger man away, rubbing his face. "Dad, why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to surprise you, and it was a last-minute decision to have me come along. Oh, I hope old Bennet didn't give you any trouble. Ah, wait, where did Evan go? I swore he was with me when we docked." Jack hums. "You'll like him he's new but a friendly face."

Martin smiles. "You'll be working with us, uh wait, what will you be doing?"

"Probably categorizing the artifacts or whatever you keep here. It is my area of expertise." Jack sighs. "It's not like I can scout or do anything else. I'm good at it and it's too modern here."

Sasha raised her brow at the odd comment but didn't say anything.

Tim looked over and cleared his throat. "I'm Tim, sorry about earlier." He holds his hand out for a shake and gets pulled into a hug.

"Always great to meet my boys friends." Jack, let's go and look Tim up and down, seemingly sniffing the air around him. "You should be cautious at night." He turns and politely smiles at the woman. "You must be Sasha. It's quite nice to meet you as well, and where is this, Jonathan?"

"He has his own office, and uh, he perfers Jon." Martin looks away, rubbing his arm.

"Now, don't be shy. I loved to meet all my new coworkers." Jack hums, but before he could reach for the door, the door to the archives open.

It was Elias that adjusted his tie and sighed. "Is there a reason you have a deadman on your list of employees?"

"Deadman?" Barnabas raised his brow. "I'm sorry but Jack, what did you do?"

Jack rolls his eyes. "You're a deadman, barney. Yeah, yeah , don't call you that." He sighs. "Wait, why would you know if they are supposed to be and whom you are talking about?"

Elias pinched his brow. He takes a deep breath. "Our dear investors, the Lukas family is quite unhappy with this mockery you've put on your employee sheet."

"Mockery?" Jack walks over and takes the form from Elias. "I thought I did a good job with this." He hums. "Eh, you're right his photo is a bit blurry hard, keeping someone still when you have to use old cameras. I assure you this isn't fiction he's not dead in a way that matters like you are no longer connected to the Beholder." His demeanor shifts almost instantly as a shudder spills throughout the office. His bubbly persona vanished in a flash. He was a "man" to be feared. "Although I should have spoken to the family before I made my way over here. I do not appreciate the tone against me."

Elias steps back as Jack steps forward. A new unsettling fear seeped into his very core.

"Just because this is your institute does not give you any power over me. I am bound to no law, so I would appreciate it if you heed my warning. I'll have you know my staff are handpicked for a reason, and unlike you, I tend to stay hands-on." Jack stops and cracks his jaw. He stares at his hand and curses. He turns and walks deeper into the archives without another word.

Barnabas gives a heavy sigh like he is holding his breath out of fear. "I suggest leaving them be. They have excellent self-control when they aren't hungry."

Martin had slipped out following his father, but nobody noticed in the confrontation.

Elias frowns. "What is he?"

"A werewolf?" Sasha speaks up, and Barnabas laughs a bitter sound.

"A wolf is a mere puppy to what he is...." Barnabas sighs and hugs his chest. "He's older than you and Elias. They don't have a name for what he is old legends and such try to pin a species on it. However, nothing has come close to the truth. Monsuir Blackwood...." He stops realizing he was gone. "I shouldn't speak when he isn't here."

Tim shudders again like a cold has enveloped him. "Will he hurt us?"

"Nonsense." Barnabas leans back. "They wouldn't harm anyone here. If he's truly in need of food, prisons are his favorite." He gets up and walks over to the whiteboard and erases it as Jon steps out. "Now, I might as well explain the other half of this. Our university in America is a cover like this place once was or is depends on who you ask. We keep an eye on the general public to make sure no mass outbreaks of information get out. Well, it's much easier now since everyone thinks of the supernatural as mere fiction. We also help rehabilitate newly changed, although that isn't our main focus. Your so-called faked statements aren't truly fake. We'll yes some are, but they don't have the habit of being ruined since the fears aren't involved." He begins to draw out a few words such as young, ancient, realms, and born. "This is such a simple organization, but it will work with all of you. I'll have you know what Jack is falls under ancient. I fall under born, which is actually a misleading title, but it's semantics based on your own definition."

"Werewolfs fall under young." Elias hums and swallows a smile when Barnabas nods.

"Creatures with a finite lifespan fall under the young category even if werewolves are known to pass a menliuim. Vampires are an odd sort, but do classify under young as well. Creatures such as demons, angels, and fae fall under the realm category for obvious reasons. Born derive from the concept you were once human and now fundamentally changed. I was dragged to the bottom of the sea and well was turned into a siren by the ocean, but sirens can reproduce normally as well. Other examples are ghouls usually come about from desperation starvation forced to consume the same species flesh as your own. Ancient..." Barnabas sighs and holds his marker to the side. "Creatures older than humanity, would you be able to kill them? Nobody has figured that out their names, the species has been forgotten to time and most.... I've only ever met Jack, and there hasn't been any record of reproducing.... er well you can account old legends like the birth of the vampire or the gift of different realms. Blackwood is like his father even as he tries to hide it by turning to the young." He shakes his head. "Ancient beings are comparable to the fears in a sense. However, they are entirely unknown for the most part. Please don't experiment with Jack or Blackwood on this matter. As im-"

"You forgot a few." Jack interrupts and seems to appear out of nowhere. Martin was right next to him as well.

Barnabas jumps and curses. "For heavens sake, don't do that."

Jack smiles. "No. Anyway, your basic system is missing quite a few categories. To think you're an esteemed professor making sloppy mistakes."

Barnabas pinches his brow. "You give an example then."

Jack sighs. "No, everyone seems on edge from your little lesson, and I would rather not scare our coworkers anymore than I have." He hums and returns to an empty desk he claimed as his own and started on normal work.

.......

The tension is suddenly cut through with the sounds of heavy stomps from boots and a soft male voice rapidly tallkng. "Elias!" A soft voice even in an anger shout did not match the body if the man who weld it. A hulking sea captain with wind sweap hair a fog that followed him and a dull blue eye gaze and stared at Elias.

Elias was sitting next to Barnabas with a raised brow until a man who seem like the same age as the sea captain popped out behind him his hair was black save for a stripe of white that was a major contrast. He was in short sleeves and covered in various stitching at his joints and scars. "Hello Peter, so happy for you to join us." He held a smile and a knowing look, recognizing the boy to be the late Evan Lukas.

"Elias cut the crap what did you do?" Peter growls and leans over Elias.

Elias loved the scent of the sea that hung to the man and the cold that lingered on his skin. He snaps himself out of that. "I have no idea what you mean."

A heavy sigh is heard. "Evan, you told me your family wouldn't be around, hence why I allowed you to come."

The man squawked and covered his face. "I- I...."

Jack rubs his temples. "Peter, was it? I apologize, but it seems I've been lied to, and your cousin doesn't respect my rules."

Evan huffs. "How was I supposed to know he would be here? He is as much as a black sheep as I am to our little family. Isn't it already bad enough that my ex-wife played Frankenstein with my remains, and I'm here?"

"Jack, don't rile the child up. I would very much like to not get shocked again by his outbursts." Barnabas sighs. "Besides, I know you knew this was risk."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Jack's smile gives him away. "However, if I were to plan this, I would not have been so adamant about the fact I told Evan strictly to stay by my side."

Barnabas throws his hands up, knowing Jack was right.

Peter growled again. "Explain." He pointed at Elias.

"Uh, Peter, he actually uh... well, he had nothing to do with this." Evan sighs and hugs his chest. "I did mean to run into you, but I didn't expect you would come to the place I'm supposed to be working at.... wait, why are you here?"

Peter stops and sighs. "I am here to check on the institute."

"You're a terrible liar." Evan sighs. "I mean, I don't really know. I've met you like twice, I can recall."

Peter deflates. "How?"

"Well, we don't actually have security in our graveyard, and she was quite determined. She didn't expect the outcome and kind of got bored of reteaching how to do basic things like talk and walk. She kind of cast me into the sea. I couldn't fight back. I was still trying to figure out my body. Barnabas found me and brought me to America."

"It was a working vacation." Barnabas sighs.

"Right, so uh, I figured things out obviously, and I've been working at Cicada University. I mostly work under Jack since I can keep up not needing to sleep or eat. I also uh..." Evan points to the bolts in his neck. "I kind of glow in the dark. Helps in search and rescue. Please don't tell the others I'm around, I'm happy I ran into you rather than them."

Peter nods. "I apologize for my outburst."

"Why thank you." Elias smiles.

"Not to you." Peter glares at him. "I suppose I am the remaining black sheep of our family then. I shall be at my home if you wish to talk." He turns to Elias. "I don't know what game you're playing, but stop if I have Simon appear on my ship again. I'm going to throw you into the sea." He vanishes in a rolling fog.

"So that's your ex husband." Barnabas raised his brow.

"Currently, ex." Elias sighs. "Although I have no idea what he means, I haven't told Simon to do anything. I've been preoccupied as a start."

Evan blinks. "So you're that Jonah guy everyone hates. Huh..."

"Evan, don't be nosey." Jack motions for him to come, and he does. "Now that that little thing is over, you'll be joining me in artifact storage."

Evan nods. "Of course."

"Ah, right, one more thing, see that small lad." Jack points to Martin, who is neither small nor that young. "That's my boy. Be nice to him and his friends."

Evan blinks. "Oh, uh, right, he's bigger than I imagined..." He shakes his head. "Are we starting today?"

"No, get yourself logged into a computer to do on boarding." Jack sighs. "Formalities are a thing we all need to get through."

Evan nods again and grabs an empty desk.

......

"Your father is fucking terrifying." Tim gasps.

Sasha sighs and rubs her arm. "Tim's right, Martin."

"...are you scared of me?" Martin flinched, ready for the agreement. Instead, he got a hand on his back.

"As long as you are you, I don't think I could be afraid of you." Jon smiles shyly.

Martin blushes and looks away.

"Martin, I can safely say for myself I won't ever be afraid of you, big guy." Tim nudges him playfully. "Besides serious question, Barnabas mentioned something about uh..."

Sasha frowns. "Are you hurting yourself to stop yourself from...." She trails off trying to find the right words.

Martin sighs. "I'm not, I mean, I don't think I am." He frowns. "I know it's a temporary fix, and I'm pretty sure I won't even transform this full moon. I just I'm scared of myself. I don't know how to tame whatever I am. Being a werewolf is so much easier I just I've been masking for so long I don't know what I even look like."

Jon takes a deep breath and grabs Martin's hand. "We can help you through it. I'm becoming a monster too from the fear gods uh the Beholder. We can handle it together."

Martin's face turns bright red. "I could just have Elias bite me.... I uh ok but you guys have to be there for me." He gets even redder when Tim grabs his other hand.

"Of course Marto, we're in this weird shit for the long haul." Tim smiles.

Jon leans on Martin's side that ugly feeling of jealousy ate away at his mind. "Do you know when it will start?"

"I- uh, I mean, uh...." Martin pulls his hands away and walls forward. "I uh tomorrow? With my dad being around its calling to that primal part, er not the right word, my inhumane nature is being pulled to the surface, and my wolf is all but dead. I uh, we don't have work, but uh, you guys can come over to my flat." He waits for the subtle nods before running off from embassment.

"You two need to chill." Sasha covers her face. "Either ask Martin out together or don't. Don't make the poor guy pick."

Jon blinks his brain short circuits not realizing that was an option.

Tim snickers. "Oh bloody hell, thank you, Sasha. Are you sure you're not up for joining?"

"Happily aromantic Tim, but I appreciate the offer. I will see you two at Martin's." Sasha hums. They were idiots but they were her idiots.

......

Two hours is all it took for Peter to decide Elias, or Jonah has been replaced and this man was not him. He first admitted he slept with Barnabas and then apologized for it. He didn't even have to they are still divorced, and he loved to brag about how he fought off loneliness with the other people he brought into their bed. Now he's lying on his chest in bed and hasn't moved. He always wants to talk about his day or his plans. "Who are you?"

Elias tilted his head up, not wanting to move. The slow sound of Peter's heart was calming, and his scent alone made his emotions do all sorts of things. He knew his body was changing, and he had instincts now, but he felt too happy to care. "Jonah." He hums, grabbing Peter's hand. "You didn't listen to any of the messages I sent you." He didn't even sound upset. "I suppose I wouldn't expect that you were pretty upset with me. Can't recall why now, but it doesn't matter. I'll have you as long as you stay. Your scent, your heartbeat, is intoxicating to me."

Peter sat up to annoyed grumbles from Elias staring up at him. "What happened to you?" He couldn't say he hated it because he didn't. His heart ached, and he didn't know what game Jonah was playing. He long threw away hope that this relationship was anything more than sex and conversation.

Elias looked hurt and laid in Peter's lap. "I'm no longer connected to the eye." He reached out and held Peter's other hand. "Supernatural things exist besides the eye, besides the fears. I got myself tangled up in it, and you've seen your cousin brought back from the dead, and your patron hasn't even been able to touch him. Lycantrophy, such an old disease I have been convinced, was just that of mad men. However, I was wrong, and I've been infected it's only the second week, but I know I'm changing. Barnabas was an old comfort someone I used to know, but even after that, I spent an hour in your closet, and it didn't smell like you, and it upset me. I know it's the new hormones and instincts talking from my rational mind, but I would like to listen to your heartbeat again."

"Werewolves? That's a bit farfetched even for you." Peter stops when Elias holds up his arm, revealing the scar he knew wasn't there the last time he was here, and it was not nearly long enough to heal like that. "You were bitten."

"You don't believe me, and I don't seem to care." Elias sits up and hugs Peter's arm. "As out of control as I feel I'm not scared. I feel ok in this madness. Although when it comes to the full moon, I don't want you near me. It's come to my realization that I don't want to hurt you. I don't think I ever wanted to harm you truly. Time makes fools of us all."

Peter swallows, and there's that horrid hope clawing at his chest again. "I'll stay with you the week, and if this is some sort of game, I will never marry you again."

"I suppose I'll take that wager, and if I win." Elias looks up at Peter, green eyes locked to that dull blue. "I would like to have the nights with you when I call. I know you can use the lonely as easy passage from wherever you may be."

Peter knew he had already lost from that request alone. "I accept." He lays back down, and Elias takes his spot back on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I suppose I should humor this so-called disease you have. Would you like me to cook you a steak?" He didn't expect Elias's face to light up red as he felt a wet patch on his chest from his drool and a loud growl from his stomach. Oh, he wasn't lying.

Elias sat up, forcing himself to move away and wiping his mouth. "You witness nothing of the sort, and I can make my own food." He gets up, face red as blood as he stomps out and towards the kitchen.

Peter covered his face. When the fuck did Jonah ever act cute? He should follow him, make sure he doesn't burn down the kitchen.

.......

"It's open..." Martin says, sitting on his couch staring at the meat in front of him.

Jon and Tim spilled through the door, and both men tried their best to not look like they were trying to get in first. Tim spoke up first. "Hey Martin, nice place, and uh, are we interrupting?"

Martin frowns and shakes his head. "I have to eat it, dad said cooking it might help me, but I uh don't think I'm ready."

"What is it?" Jon hung up his coat and looked over to the meat, and a name and list of crimes came into his head. He swallows and locks eyes with Martin.

"The eye told you who it is." Martin sighs, hugging his chest. "I can feel the hunger start. My body wants to change, and it doesn't want to cannibalize itself, and I don't want that either to lose whatever human parts I still have left."

Tim gives a soft smile and sits next to Martin. "We're they a good person?" The sharp shake of Martin's head answered that question. "Alright then, don't feel too bad. Do you want us here?"

"Y-yes." Martin pauses as Jon sits on his other side. "I uh ok."

"Do you want us to help?" Jon gives a shy smile as Martin's face lights up red.

"Just stay the both of you." Martin reaches forward and grabs a knife and a fork and cuts into the meat and takes a bite and his eyes light up a he barely chews and goes for a second but and suddenly stops covering his mouth and his hand comes away with a tooth. "Oh...." The hunger seemed to hate his sudden stop, and he went on autopilot and grabbed the meat and tore into it until it was gone and his hands were covered in grease. He came back all too suddenly. Gasping, and he spit out more teeth. He could feel tears prick at his eyes with the overwhelming feeling.

Tim grabbed Martin's arm and smiled. "Breathe, big guy, you're still with us?"

Jon places a hand on Martin's lap. "Do you want me to check your mouth?"

Martin can feel the overwhelming embarrassment cloud his new instincts and that hunger fade. "I uh...." He swallows, and he knew he swallowed a few teeth. He runs his tongue along his new teeth. "I still have teeth."

"I would hope so." Jon muses, reaching out to Martin's jaw. "Let me see."

Martin opens his mouth to show off new bright white teeth sharp and stronger than any metal. He snaps it closed before Jon could touch. "Don't, I don't want to hurt you. I uh, does it look bad?"

"No, I mean, it kind of looks good? They are sharper, but uh, it suits you." Jon smiles nervously, then freezes, spotting Tim's expression. "Tim, what's wrong... oh god, is that blood?"

Tim has let go of Martin and spots the growing red stain on his back. "Martin, are you ok?"

Martin has paled considerable. "I uh...I think..." He can't form words. Nothing made sense, and he couldn't focus. Maybe it did hurt, but he was getting cold and tired. Then everything went black.

......

Martin woke up his body felt different, like he had new parts he didn't really understand yet. He could hear talking.

"Thank you for watching him." That voice was a deep growl. Martin knew that was his father. "I'm glad he has you both to lean on for support. Now I understand the three of you in a relationship can be difficult, but it's not a new concept. I just want to warn you that Martin will be dangerous, just not to you both. Nature of the beast and things, I tend to get protective, and I know he has inherited that, at least."

"Will he still look like himself? I don't want him to feel trapped in his body." A softer voice that was Jon.

A deep laugh from Jack. "My, aren't you an adorable tiny thing. He will be able to control his form at will unless he doesn't eat, which, again, I can not reiterate that enough to make sure he eats properly. He doesn't have the resources I do back in America, so he can't exactly keep a surplus in a chest freezer in this tiny space."

"Are you sure about the people? I mean, about the food situation, are they truly bad?" That was Tim he was lacking his carefree tone.

"I assure you where I get the meat is from the worst, ask Jon he has the eye who was the man I left for him." Jack pauses for a moment. "Actually, don't you look like you'll pass out yourself. Let's just say children are much safer now."

"Oh...." Tim sighs. "Ok, can we do anything now?"

"Now?" Jack pauses again, and Martin can picture him scratching his beard. "When he wakes, just don't touch the new parts they tend to be sensitive. Also, be kind. I know this is overwhelming he's done his very best to hide from it, and I don't blame him. Just let him rest. Maybe don't tell him I was here. He hates it when I just show up unannounced. I tend to overwhelm him, trying to comfort him, Evan says I'm worse than a mother Hen, which doesn't make sense if you've raised chickens. Vicious creatures, but I'm getting off track. Give him my regards and just keep an eye on him."

Martin wanted to argue to get him to stay to apologize, but his mouth wouldn't move, and his body felt exhausted again, and he could feel sleep pulling him back.

"Oh, one more thing if either of you break his heart , I will make sure your death won't be enough relief." Jack hums.

.....

Elias sat up on the couch next to Peter. "Someone is at the door."

Peter raised his brow. "And how do you figure? You aren't under the Beholder anymore."

"Smells like ozone, and....." Elias pauses, shutting his eyes. "Static." He frowns and sneezes. "And something with rye."

Peter blinks as a woosh of wind, and the familair smell of ozone comes through and a sense of vertigo. He frowns as he sees Simon enter through the open window.

"Oh my, I never have to make my own entrance. Did you get into a fight with your patron?" Simon chuckles, tapping his cane against the floor.

Elias bares his teeth, not really understanding why he is doing it.

Peter looks between Simon and Elias, and he knows enough about dogs to realize Elias sees Simon as a threat to him. He lets out a soft laugh and pats Elias's head.

Elias huffs. "Don't patronize me, Peter." Peter can see how pleased the man actually is at the simple gesture.

"Right, ah, did you two marry again? My I should have gotten flowers. Now the reason I'm here is that you've been slacking on your end, Jonah." Simon frowns when Elias just glares at him.

"I've been preoccupied." Elias huffs with what sounds like a growl.

Simon lowers his glasses and waves his cane, then stops he does the motion again, and he replaces his annoyed expression for one of confusion.

Elias sneezes at the smell that seems to gather around Simon only stronger. He rubs his nose, annoyed. "Will you stop that? I swear you're being quite annoying."

Peter raised his brow, matching Simon's confusion. "Elias, you're not falling."

Simon steps back. "What has happened to you?"

Elias shrugs, not wanting to talk about his situation. "It doesn't matter what happened to me. I would like you to not just barge in here demanding things. I quite like to spend my days off relaxing."

Simon looks at Peter. "What did he do?"

"Honestly, I'm still trying to figure that out." Peter stiffens as Elias crawls into his lap. He was guarding Peter, and Peter could feel him vibrate with a low growl, and he couldn't help but think this was adorable. He rubbed his partner's back. "You should probably go."

Simon nods. "I shall inform the others of this new perdictament. Congratulations on the new power, Jonah." He vanishes through the window as Elias sneezes again.

"Don't like him." Elias huffs, resting his head on Peter's shoulder.

Peter rubs Elias's back. "Alright, my scary guard dog, get off of my lap."

"....no." Elias buries his face in the crook of Peter's neck.

Peter can feel Elias's teeth graze his skin, and he sighs. "I'm not in the mood."

"Don't wanna do that now." Elias huffs. "Don't know what I want, just want to be with you."

Peter can feel his patron praise him. He didn't quite understand why, but he was doing something right. His thoughts come to a screeching halt as Elias licks his neck. "Jonah!"

Elias hums happily.

Peter groans, knowing he wasn't going to get a clear answer from the other man. He realized Elias probably has no fucking clue what he is doing. He needs to reach out to Evan he probably knows what is going on.

.......

A good night rest didn't change the odd behavior as yesterday. Elias has only gotten worse, and Peter was basically carrying him to the kitchen. "Jonah, you're acting like a child."

Elias huffs and continues to cling to Peter as he makes breakfast. "I merely wish to be close to you." He growls again and Peter knew it meant someone besides him was nearby.

"Elias." Peter sighs.

"Peter, it's Evan." Elias, let's go of Peter shaking his head. "I wasn't warned just how strong this damn thing will get." He rubs his nose, seemingly annoyed. "I want extra bacon." He mutters trotting off to the front door.

Peter blinks in, surprised he has never seen Jonah answer the door in anything other than a suit, and now he's just in his pajamas, silk and flowy but still fancier than his own boxers. He had to ask Evan about this. He was pulled away from his thoughts as Elias came back, guiding his cousin inside.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize how early it is." Evan looks away from his cousin just in boxers and an apron. "I don't tend to track time as much since I don't actually need to sleep... or eat... or, well, a lot of normal things."

Peter raised his brow. "It's 8am. it's not that early." He hums as Elias glares at him.

"Because to him, he's used to his ship." Elias huffs, sitting himself down at the kitchen table.

Peter smiled softly at that. Oh Forsaken, did he really miss Elias this bad? Even with this odd behavior? Did that make him want Elias even more? His patron seemed to giggle at him, happy at his flustered thoughts. He wasn't even that close to his patron from what his parents say along with the rest of the family. He doesn't even realize he's semi corporatel until his hand goes through the frying pan. It was as if the Forsaken themselves wanted to stop him from the falsehoods.... wait, were they communicating with him? He knew the answer was yes. He gives a heavy sigh and focuses cracking eggs into the pan, letting the bacon greese act as butter.

Evan pauses and gasps, pulling his backpack around. "Ah yes, sorry, Barnabas asked me to bring you some things, Jonah."

"Elias." Elias corrects with a raised brow as a few books are pushed forward along with a bag and a chew toy. He stares at the chew toy, and he can feel his jaw ache. He grabs all of them and notices the books are handwritten journals and a sticky note on top of each says the name who wrote them and it's experiences with lycantrophy and logs from before and after first turnings. "Thank you, Evan."

"Oh right, Elias, and yeah, no problem. Barnabas said you should get acquainted with your new abilities, changes, and instincts, but uh, in a more crude language. I also got a book for you, too, Peter." Evan smiles and hands over a book to Peter.

Peter raised his brow, staring at the cover. 'A werewolf mate what to expect'. "Do I need this?"

"Yes." Evan didn't hesitate.

Peter sighs and plates Elias's food, handing it to the man who is already reading through one of the books. He watches Elias eat with his free hand, too engrossed in the book to even grab a fork. He grabs the book from the counter. "How are you, Evan?"

"I'm ok. Weird to see family again, I mean, I did want to get to know you. I wanted to see the other black sheep of our family. I just never got a chance before well. Uh, this." Evan motions vaguely to himself.

Peter nods. "I see."

"Uh, I do have to ask. Will you be here during the full moon?" Evan tilts his head like he already knows the answer.

"Elias asked me not to." Peter hums, starting to eat his small plate of food.

"Yeah, that probably won't work." Evan glances over to Elias, who hasn't even noticed them talking about him. "He bonded to you even without sex... uh, I know that because he hasn't marked you with his teeth. Werewolves tend to get wildly protective. You already seem to know that, but what I'm trying to say is that you being here will minimize any sort of danger a newly turned wolf can do. It's only been two weeks, and as you can see, his instincts are fresh and incredibly strong. I don't even think he realizes his new behaviors."

Peter watches Elias reach for more food, but his plate is empty, so he just licks his fingers and huffs. "Will they go away?"

"Oh never, but he'll be able to control them better after the first full moon. Right now, think if him as a toddler and his feral mind hasn't exactly been playing nice with his sane human mind as they slowly merge. He's not even paying attention to us, and I think that's not normal for him. I don't actually know, but I would be uncomfortable or annoyed if people were talking about me in front of me and think I didn't notice." Evan watches Elias flip through his book as if he was the only one in the room. "Although if you left, he would follow and come back to his senses. I just finished a course on werewolves and turnings and mates and bonds. Jack is still trying his best to catch me up on the more common supernatural beings I'll encounter."

Peter pauses his gaze, moving between Evan and Elias. "Can I get him to stop? He's gotten quite clingy."

"You can try biting him, but uh, that wouldn't be appropriate with me here. Again, I don't really know how you handle that kind of stuff, and I can't really do it anymore , so I don't know. I also can tell the Forsaken has claimed you as their child. I do get some perks of being the living dead. I'm like an outsider looking in. I can't affect them, and they can't affect me. However, I can see kind of like the Beholder, but I guess differently. All I know is that you're basically one with the Forsaken it's as much you as you are it. If that makes any sort of sense, I can't see where you start, and they end, and it's starting to affect them now. I seriously never understood how you're the black sheep. You gave the Forsaken humanity or, at the very least, attachment issues, which is quite ironic. I mean, it has happened before, hence why the Web and the End are so human like and don't actually want to have a ritual. Unlike them, though, the Forsaken has figured out how to not let their favorite die. I'm going to have to ask Jack what that is exactly because I wouldn't even consider you an avatar." Evan blinks and looks away. "I'm sorry. I tend to ramble. I never did break that habit."

Peter stares down at his hands. How old was he? He doesn't even recall seeing the family records he wasn't in there. He always assumed they excluded him because they hated how social he was. He knew he wasn't as old as Jonah, and there was a 70-year gap between them, but how old was Jonah. He freezes as Elias crawls into his lap.

"I can hear the gears turn in your head." Elias huffs already on the second book. "I swear control your fog, or I will do that for you."

"How did you know?" Peter raised his brow but couldn't help but relax having an anchor. An anchor that also pleased his patron. He had a feeling he knew why. He never really thought he needed one, and he probably didn't, but he was attached to Jonah.

"Just did." Elias starts to eat the unfished food on Peter's plate, not caring to use a fork like a fussy toddler.

Peter sighs and raises his brow at Evan, who just shrugged. "Right Elias aren't you going to use a fork?"

"Mmh?" Elias pauses his brain, finally catching up with his body. "What am I doing?" He blinks, finally waking up in a sense and pulls himself off Peter to clean his hands and stomp away to get dressed muttering to himself.

"As I said, he's got two minds at the moment, and one isn't playing fair, and they won't be in sync until we'll after the full moon." Evan sighs. "You should probably read that book, and uh, are you really ok with this? I know it can be a bit much, and if you really want, it's early enough, and I can convince Barnabas to take over."

Jealousy was something Peter never took serious, he never understood how Jonah was jealous if he even spoke to other people, let alone that man was always jealous of his first mate. Now he actually felt it he knew the history between the two and like fucking hell he will let that man take his Jonah away. He let out a breath through his nose, and it was just fog. "Elias is mine, Evan. I will get used to the new changes." He relaxes and leans back. "I apologize for the outburst."

Evan raised his brow. Peter never even raised his voice. He knew what it was like growing up on their family he just forgot how horrid it was and how he clung to the freedom he had. "It's ok to be attached to your loved ones. He obviously feels the same way. It's nice to have that."

"Thank you." Peter gets up to head to his room to get dressed. "I shall be back down shortly."

Evan nodded and knew that wouldn't happen.

......

"Don't touch it!"

"It looks so soft, though."

"Don't touch him. You'll wake him!"

Martin furrows his brows and finally is able to open his eyes. He can move his head to see Tim and Jon arguing beside him in his bed. He can smell dried blood, and he pushes himself up and feels a weight on his back. He looks back to see two massive furry wings. The patterns remind him of spider webs. He can flex them, and then he can feel them slide back into his back like they were never there. He, of course, can still feel them and take them out, but he felt comfortable. He noticed a fluffy tail. It was soft, but trying to feel the actual tail, he could feel hidden spines under the fur. He looks back to see the two still arguing and hasn't noticed he was up. "Uh..... you can touch if you want. I mean, be careful. I feel spines under my fur?"

Tim blinks and reaches forward. The fur was soft, and he could feel the spines and knew it would be bad to put pressure on it. "You think they are venomous?"

Martin tilts his head focusing. "I uh, maybe? I can make the spines smaller, but uh, I don't know. I don't want to test it. Jon... are you ok? I mean, uh, did you both stay over?"

"I mean, we weren't going to leave you alone." Jon gives a nervous smile. "We wanted to make sure you were ok."

Martin blushes. "I, uh, thank you both of you seriously. I really am glad you both are here with me." He refrains from mentioning that he heard the earlier conversation. "How long I was out?"

"A day and a half, the sun just set." Tim smiles softly. "We uh made you dinner with the special meat. Thought you would be hungry."

Martin nods. "Yeah, and uh, can you guys burn these blankets."

Jon nods. "Yeah, I can handle that or your roommate. He seems like a cool guy, and he did mention he's been in statements."

"Oh Gerry, yeah, he's cool helps pay the rent. He's also a good friend he's actually older than me. Even if it doesn't seem, it vampires stop aging after they are turned." Martin sighs. "Thank you guys again."

Tim smiles and grabs Martin's hand. "Come on time to eat big guy then clean up."

Jon huffs. "Tim, maybe you should ask Martin what he wants first!"

Martin giggles. "You two are acting cute."

The two other men blush and look away from each other.

......

[laugtherhyena]

@thehybridgryph I'm putting this in its own post since it got too long to fit in a single reply.

You see Akane is a character i find funny to think back on because when i was younger and had first gotten into the another series i had a really weird relationship with her character; i hated her for being the mastermind and dismissed her entire other self as a nothing but a lie/trick, but at the same time her Ch6 self was the one i liked the most out of the two akanes, sort to speak.

This was partially my fault since when I don't like or care much for a character i tend to not look much into them and partially the fact that Dra didn't had a full translation back in the day.

So what I'm trying to say here is that i didn't understand her character at all and it's only now that I'm looking back into this game as an older person that i see just how fascinating she is, this girl went through hell in that orphanage at such a young age that it makes perfect sense why she would cling to the guy who saved her that badly, especially after all the trauma she had gone through at that point.

Utsuro became her savior and she made it pretty much her life goal to devote he entire self to him regardless of what this path would require he to do, if Utsuro asks, she'll do it because that's what a good servant does. Their toxic relationship where they enable eachother and get worse spreading despair around is insane and i really don't think I'm the right person to talk about it because even now I don't think i fully understand it.

And i just feel stupid for dismissing her nice self when i was younger and even just trying to separate mastermind Akane from maid Akane because they're both parts of who she is and both of them are very real! Akane genuinely liked her classmates and even had a close bond with Ayame, but ultimately couldn't bring herself to go agaisnt her master's orders and try to save them instead of betraying their class and using them in the proto killing game.

That's really fucking sad and heart wrenching to me, makes me wonder if given the opportunity to do things differently would she have changed anything? Would she have obeyed Utsuro's orders all over again? Who knows, I'm honestly not really sure myself.

Another thing about Akane that i absolutely love is in relation to the ending of Dra, because i really don't think i would like it as much if Akane had left with the survivors because to me that would feel out of character not only for the trio to save her (Tsurugi is there after all) but most importantly for Akane herself. I really don't think she would have allowed herself to escape the island and leave Utsuro to die, even after protecting the survivors effectively betrayed him in a way, if her master is going down she's gonna go down with him. It's beautiful and tragic at the same time.

[danganronpa-headcanons-imagines]

Hey this is literally my fist time sending a request ever. But can I get a kokichi who has a crush on a very flirty girl. In fact her ultimate is the ultimate flirt. But she gets even more flirty around kokichi because she likes him too. And kokichi i would think is kinda hard to fluster but at some point she finally does and shes so happy. Thanks. Sorry if this is just nonsense.

Yo, glad to be the first person you send a request to! And don't apologize, it's not nonsense. To be honest I prefer a longer prompt, as it helps lead me! ----------

Kokichi vs The Ultimate Flirt

The Ultimate Flirt, huh? Kokichi wasn't impressed, that's not even a valid talent either! So when he heard of your talent he just kinda shrugged his shoulders

The moment you entered the room, that changed. You were just gorgeous. And your voice? Something about it drew him in like a fishing lure. So the moment you approached him he was ready

Pretty much every person you talked to would eventually get flustered and clam up. Which after so long, has gotten frustrating. No one ever could just TALK to you anymore. Despite people praising the ground you stood on, you felt alone

But with Kokichi... he had bite. He wasn't falling at your feet or losing brain function, he actually had a discussion with you! You had someone you could genuinely talk to!

Actually getting to talk to you made Kokichi realise why you were so well liked. You were really funny and pleasent

After meeting you made an effort to talk to him as much as possible, both to your and his delight

Yeah, both of your crushes on each other only got worse as time went on. You were attracted to his headstrong attitude, and he was attracted to your wit and confidence

It didn't really process in your head, but you were eventually getting more and more flirty with Kokichi in an attempt to make him a blushing mess

But that is NOT easy. He was used to manipulation tactics, which are still evident in flirting techniques. Sure your words were nice, but they couldn't make him break

Everytime you used a line on him, he was able to push back without faltering

It soon became a little game of yours! You'd try to flirt, he'd flirt back, it was fun for you two and made you smile

But being the Ultimate Flirt isn't all sunshine and rainbows. A lot of people take advantage of you, or just do anything to please you. It wore you down over the years

But there was one day that just broke you. Long story short, you learned that half of your friends only wanted to fuck you. They didn't give a shit about a genuine friendship and were using you, which broke your heart. Kokichi found you crying on a park bench, and somehow felt himself feeling genuine empathy

He talked to you for over an hour, just listening to your issues and trying to cheer you up by offering to make their lives hell, making you laugh

Eventually you started to feel so much better. You could just feel that he actually cared, in his own special way

As you felt the last bit of sorrow exit your body, you sighed and looked deep into his eyes

"You know, being around you makes me feel better than ever. I know you said you have a hard time with relationships, but I feel lucky to have you. You should be thanked more often, so... thank you. Thank you Kokichi, for lighting up my life"

Neither of you ever expected it to happen, but suddenly his face turned bright red, jaw hanging open. His eyes were wide, darting around nervously, and he struggled to speak. It was like seeing a Unicorn, no one had ever seen it before, but you got lucky. The sight of his facade crumbling away was adorable

A laugh slipped off your lips and you couldn't stop yourself. After soooo long, so many attempts to crack him, you finally did it! And you didn't even mean to this time!

Kokichi pouted at your laughter, but his heated cheeks sold him out

After that day, you still flirted with him. But everytime he brushed it off, you loved to bring up that one night

When you officially started dating and told everyone, literally no one was surprised. Pretty much everyone thought you were already dating

----------

{Like my work? Consider tipping me on Ko-fi! Every little bit counts~}

[rustychainsnorter]

I don't know what all the hate is for I liked the premiere😭 The voices were only slightly off, I barely noticed it (And so what? It could've been way worse) Sure the plot wasn't mind blowing but I didn't expect much tbh. HUGH JACKMAN THO pffft.

Loved the first bit with Morty checking on Rick. Would love to see my precious best boy more<33

I KNOW! I LOVE THE NEW EPISODE! Was it the greatest? No. Was it the worst? Definitely no. It was just fun and relaxing. We got to see the goofy boys hanging out together with a famous actor. And while it wasn't the most exciting thing, it was a lot sweeter than most content we've gotten before.

I hope you don't mind, but I wanna list things I loved about the episode.

- Morty being used to Rick's sh*t. I just LOVED him pretending that he had coffee. And I love that he checked on him.

- I for one don't care about the change in voices. I appreciate the voice actors, of course, but mostly I'm just grateful that they're still making the show.

- Bird Person is back and his daughter is fire! I would LOVE an episode where bird daughter and Morty go on an adventure!!! *hulk roar*

- Rick was definitely still canon because he tried to avoid primary responsibilities and he forgot Wayne's birthday. Oh, and he started drinking and causing trouble! Very canon.

- This episode reminded me of Analyze Piss because Rick really did try to do the right thing by encouraging Wayne not to visit his x-wife, and everyone started calling him out for being "an a**". Just like in Analyze Piss he said something like "I'm either an a**hole for helping or an a**hole for not helping". Just little similarities.

- Rick genuinely tried to be a good friend. He wanted to go on an adventure with all his friends- THE FACT THAT HE EVEN CALLED THEM HIS FRIENDS THOUGH!!- and he wanted to cheer Wayne up. They got drunk, had fun, caused trouble and went home somewhat content. Rick learned something.

- Hugh Jackman was funny. Why is he playing in so many goofy adult shows? I thought he was hilarious in Big Mouth, but this definitely takes the cake, lol!

- And, last but not least, my favorite part......... RICK IS DEVELOPING! Don't you see it? Rick is becoming a better person! He is growing. He is becoming happier, more considerate, caring and nice! That's literally all I've ever wanted and it's happening! And it makes me SO HAPPY!

I don't care what people say, I loved the new episode and I'm going to keep having faith in the future ones. Like you said, I can't wait to see my precious little bro Morty in the future :'D It's gonna happen. Just one more week!

[ferniliciousness]

Happy N7 Month!

This is my first November in the fandom and I am genuinely excited and looking forward to it. Which feels weird cause this is the first fandom I've ever really been a part of. Mass effect has definitely really helped me the last few months, and I'm so glad I've gotten to meet some pretty cool people in the process lol.

Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff, that's not what this is about lmao. I've started a few projects for the month and I am very excited to share the first one with y'all. I've been working on this for like a month now 😭 and I'm actually proud of it so I hope you enjoy ☺️

Prompt: Tension

TW: Suicidal inclinations

*why didn't I just say no? I should have just said no?* Gaia's mind is racing standing next to Garrus and looking out over the street below them. Sidonis is here, and Gaia has to watch Garrus kill him. She has to change his mind, she just has to. Otherwise, everything she believes about herself is true; she deserves to die, she doesn't deserve to live, and there is no hope for redemption. *I'm worse than Sidonis. I deserve so much worse than him. If Garrus can't spare him, can't offer him even an ounce of forgiveness, what hope do I have?* Numbness, that all familiar numbness she knows too well takes over her body. She hates it. She despises it. She wants it to just go away, go away and let her feel again, feel the pain, feel the despair, feel the guilt. To suffer. Resting on the railing, her hands shake. Her heart races as she scans the crowd below her. She finds Shepard and then she sees him, the man who has betrayed them. *No, no, no, I can't let him do this, I can't. There has to be hope, there has to be a chance for me. God, please Garrus, please, show me I can still do good in this world. Show me you would forgive me, show me you would give me a chance. Please Garrus, I'm running out of hope.*

"There he is." Garrus' voice snaps her back to reality. Her lungs gasp, the breath she was holding finally escaping. Her knuckles turn white as her nails dig into her palm, begging her body to not give up, to keep feeling, to keep hoping. Even as she turns to Garrus and sees his determination, sees the anger in his eyes, she has to hope

"You're in my shot. Move to the side a bit so I can get him." Gaia knows if Shepard moves Garrus would not hesitate to pull the trigger. She can see his hands trembling, and notices his mandibles twitching, but she can't tell if it's from anger or anxiety. She hopes it's him questioning, rethinking all of this. "Shepard" his name escapes her, begging, pleading with him to not let Garrus do this. Her eyes follow the barrel of Garrus' rifle, down to where Sidonis stands in front of Shepard and she can't help but imagine. Imagine it was her at the end of his scope, imagine him shooting her. But Shepard doesn't move and she can hear hope in her comm. "Sidonis, I'm here to help you." He was doing it, he was actually doing it. She cant believe it. "Dammit Shepard! If he moves I'm taking the shot! With or without your help." His harsh words surprise Gaia. Garrus never speaks to Shepard like this. Gaia painfully listens to Sidonis explain, how the blue suns captured him, tortured him even. How much regret he feels for what he did. She knows all to well how he feels, the pain and guilt he's going through. She's angry at him, just like Garrus, but she can't blame him. Not when she is no better then he is. "It's up to you Garrus, I'm letting you decide this one. Kill him or dont." Shepard moves to the side while Sidonis stands still, defeated. The choice hangs heavy in the air and Gaia knows she has to say something, she has to try. "Garrus don't! Please, please don't. The guilt will cause enough suffering, you don't have to do this." Stepping forward in a rush, she can't help but reach a hand out towards him. As her heart is pounding in her ears she's barely even thinking. "What!" His head snaps to look at her, his mandibles flare, showing his teeth. The suddenness makes her pause but she doesn't back away. "Gaia, you of all people should want this. You were there, you saw what happened, you saw what his actions brought US! Our friends were killed. Because of him." His anger touches her heart in a way he will never know. It pushes her back, not out of fear, but sudden shame. It forces her to step back, away from him, but she can't bring herself to look away. She meets his anger and lets it burn inside her, adding to the hatred she already feels towards herself. "Garrus, please." No one moves, no one speaks, they all just stand in the dense quiet, the air thick with tension. Finally, Garrus turns to face Sidonis again. "I... I... Fine, just... just let him go."

Gaia stands perfectly still, not looking away from Garrus for a moment. She desperately reads his face, trying to decipher any emotions from him that she can. But all she finds is the Turians frantic attempt at hiding them. His mandibles won't stop fluttering, and even through her translator she can hear his rapid clicking. And worse yet, he refuses to look at her, yet, she can't look away. "Why? Why did you do that?" His voice is trembling with confusion. But she can't say anything. He wants answers, no. He deserves answers. But the most she can do is stare up into his eyes, while her own glaze over. She retreats into herself, hiding in the security of chaos that is her emotions, so that he can't see. "Gaia no!" His hand on her shoulder snaps her out of her escape. "No running away, not this time. You're going to answer me dammit." Hot air hits her face as he sighs. "Don't... Don't you think he deserves it? Don't you think that... That everyone... Everyone that died that day deserves justice? He killed them." Garrus chuckles, his eyes now just as lost as Gaia's a moment ago. "He betrayed all of them. His death would have paid for that. Doesn't.... Doesn't someone have to pay? Doesn't someone have to make it all right?" His hand let's go of her. *No, no, no, don't let go! Don't slip away from me! I can't! Garrus I can't!* She watches as his hand returns to his side, and all hope of moving forward goes with it.

"Then shoot me Garrus. Kill me. Let me pay." Gaia shoves her pistol into his chest, catching him by surprise while her eyes lock onto his. Wide eyes meet hers, full of confusion and worry. He tries to take a step back, but Gaia hooks her hand into his armor, holding him in place. "I have been the cause of so many deaths, deaths of innocent people. I have so much blood on my hands, blood spilt because of my actions." Her eyes never leave his, reflecting an honest guilt and a long-felt resolve. "I have cheated, stolen, lied." Gaia takes another step closer to him, pointing the barrel of the pistol to her chest. "I have betrayed people who trusted me, people who cared about me." The words came out calmly, years worth of turmoil and pain simmered down into Gaia's heartfelt belief in herself. Pointing down to where Sidonis had stood only moments before, "If he is deserving of this, then I am deserving of so much more. If someone has to pay for it, let me." Tears threaten to spill from her eyes, but her voice never falters. Garrus tries to carefully pry the gun away from her, but her own fingers threaten to set it off. They both can hardly breathe, but even in the brief moment of silence, Gaia's hands just hold tighter to the pistol. "You say you believe in justice, in righting wrongs against innocent people. So show me Garrus. Show me. Pull that trigger and bring justice to me. Let me make it right."

Garrus tightens his grip around her hands, pushing on her palm, trying to get her to let go. Gaia could feel gentle thrums through his chest, his way to try and calm her down. Her fingers slip away from the trigger, his large hands gently guiding them away as he takes hold of the gun. Her body feels numb, and the world around her is quiet, she barely even notices him doing it. "Gaia. I.... I'm not going to shoot you." His mandibles click, quickly chattering against his cheeks. "I can't.... I don't know what you think you did, or why you think you deserve this, but this isn't your crime to pay for." The silence between them can almost be touched, as they stand in front of one another. Gaia's arms slowly fall to her side, letting go of his armor. "You ok?" Garrus' words finally breach the quiet. He wants to know, to understand. Gaia doesn't even know herself, but she doesn't want him to worry. "Yeah" a weak smile is all she has to offer him, and he sees right through it. "Gaia" The question behind his words is evident but Gaia has no desire to answer him, even if she knows she will eventually. "No. I'm not talking about it. Not right now." Gaia looks over the railing at the crowd walking below them, oblivious to everything that had just occurred. The tension between making the air feel thick. Gaia hears Garrus' hard sigh, he must still be upset, just as her emotions were still on a high. "Alright." Leaving it at that, Garrus walks behind her, pulling her rifle off of her back, before continuing down the walkway. Surprise pulls Gaia out of the awkwardness. "Hey, I said I was ok didn't I?" She jogs to catch up with him, his long strides covering much more distance than her. "I never said you weren't." He was upset, angry even, that was clear, but Gaia knows, he still cares. The realization hits her, standing in the street watching him walk back. She doesnt understand why or how he does, and she thinks that she never will, but she is grateful for it.

[spiralwriting]

Floyd Leech x Introverted! Reader

Third person narrative

Gender neutral

Fluff

Everyone has a social battery, and it recharges depending on how many people you interact with and who you surround yourself with during the course of a day. For some, more is better and for others... not so much.

I'm the latter.

Although it's not Because I hate people or interacting with them, it's just so draining having to keep up with more than one person at a time, multiple times a day; it gets exhausting. So, instead of going out with friends and partying late into the night, as many other students here tend to do, I just recline into the cleanest piece of furniture in my dusty dorm and watch a comedy without worrying about people barging in and ruining my comfortable solitude.

Well... Normally that's the case. Sometimes Ace is once again cast from his dorm after another broken rule, often dragging Duece not too far behind. Sometimes it's Epel desperate to escape the clutches of Vil for just one night. These interruptions are regular, but never enough to run me ragged because I didn't get enough alone time before the morning.

Although, I've been more and more fatigued lately, thanks to a certain cunning eel. Floyd Leech: any introvert's worse nightmare and greatest enemy. People like Floyd are the ones that drag you every which way in a futile attempt to quench their boredom, taking pleasure in tormenting quiet kids like me that are too polite to say otherwise. His ability to drain me of any previous energy in the short space of an hour is truly a feat, something he's mastered and something he most definitely enjoys.

Though... I'd be lying if I said he was a complete nuance. Sure, he's erratic and unpredictable, but when his day has been trying and he's on his last thread, mood seemingly beyond repair, he seems to quite enjoy his trips to ramshackle. For once, he's quiet and still, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, head on a clenched fist as he glares daggers at the TV, and that's how he'll remain until the silly show finally cracks a laugh out of him. Then, before we know it, Jade's knocking at the door and dragging Floyd with him to return to Octavinelle for the night, kicking and screaming the whole way out the door as I wave them off and leave to head to bed myself.

How this started, I genuinely don't know, but it's become an almost nightly ritual. He storms in, slamming the door, stomping to the couch and throwing himself down on the dusty cushions. I ask a simple question: 'sit in silence?' and he'll only grunt in return. Every time it happens, it happens in the same predictable way, I'm honestly surprised he hasn't gotten bored of it yet.

I've often wondered why he enjoys our quiet time so much, and I'm left with silly, half-truths that he flings around carelessly. However, it's obvious that Floyd just doesn't want me to know the truth, not willing to be seen as vulnerable, too afraid to be taken advantage of in the same way he's done to many others.

But it's clear that having someone who doesn't reminisce about when he wasn't as fickle as a child like Jade or Azul or doesn't call him selfish and shallow like many others, is a refreshing and welcome change. He just wants someone who merely understands that this is how he is, no way around it and doesn't try to change his mood to fit what they think it should be. Someone who accepts him for him. Someone willing and patient to sit and wait it out with him.

So, I don't let the sharp expression and threatening posture throw me off as I sit with him, simply waiting like I know he wants me to. He appreciates it, that much is clear. It makes him feel human, accepted, seen and most importantly, it makes him feel loved.

And he wouldn't choose to have it any other way.

[nonbinarytheatrekid07]

Hello RTC enjoyers, I am giving you my assorted thoughts on the McCarter version. I have only ever seen the off-broadway version and I really want to see what this one is like so away we go!

Karnak is not a puppet or a suit this time, but he has a cool hat

this karnak feels rage

Virgil is a lady and she is shredding the bass

oh my god they made a covid joke

I am afraid of this karnak

ricky has a tambourine and stickers on his wheelchair and is very unenthusiastic I love him

props to this karnak for being an animatronic very well

He didn't grab his crotch and i don't know if im happy about it or not

Ricky is filled with sass, i love it

this jane adds more emotion and acts/sounds a lot more like a kid and it hurts my heart

WHy does everyone have so much more sass in this production

I like that ocean and constance(and everyone really) are actually being friends here

ocean's actress is so expressive it's great

the SASS

I love her

I was expecting borthday, I did not get borthday

"no one's making out with tambourine guy"

everyone is pissed at ocean and rightfully so

I would give Jane a hug

HE TURNED TO THE AUDIENCE AND DID THE GAY HAND OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM

he has earrings you guys Noel has earrings have you seen Noel with earrings you need to see Noel with earrings

I stand by my previous statement that Noel would like 'Chicago'

I wouldn't say that the voices are particularly better or worse. I have gotten used to the off Broadway and recorded casts. So this is different, but they're doing an amazing job.

Ricky, I am going to take away your squeeze keys privileges. Stop memeing

Noel please to not moan

Constance and Mischa did a little handshake

Ocean keeps kicking Karnak before her songs

Constance and ocean did a little handshake

Fun fact: mischa slaps less asses in this version

talia is such a beautiful song you guys

TALIA AND MISCHA GET TO DANCE TOGETHER IN THE FAST PART ON THE PROJECTION

ok so noel went over to comfort mischa after the song ended and he just sort of grabbed him and hugged him and it was the sweetest thing

"what if people cant handle what I have to say" well we can't but I am looking forward to it so go ahead

I don't know how they managed it but they hypersexualised SABM

(ok so they changed it to "mysteriously stopped talking" which i think i prefer because that means that he is now choosing to speak, rather than now able to. Selective mutism? I also like how the second he gets to the afterlife he isn't just free of the chair or cane, he keeps them.)

I love Ricky so much you guys

He has an electric guitar

also he didn't concede, i don't know why

Jane seems genuinely sad and afraid

it continues to baffle me that these women can hit the notes

I love Jane

I know I have said this a lot but I love them all so much my little dead children

Constance's monologue always makes me cry

I haven't cried at sugar cloud like this since the first time I watched rtc

ok im sorry if this is an unpopular opinion but I like how she does sugar cloud more than the cast recording

Karnak you bitch

*don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry*

karnak's death was a lot more chaotic

*don'tcrydontcrydontcrydontcry*

[oncetherenowhere]

They're mourning doves. We have lovely new mourning dove neighbors. One of them stays perched over our screen door, she doesn't flutter away when I come and go; she cocks her head and stares at me every time. I speak softly to her whenever I see her. Good morning. I'll be on my way.

Work is fine. My two immediate coworkers are still lovely. The other coworker is still frustrating.

It's really making me dread going to work, especially when my coworker M isn't there; he doesn't say anything to me in front of her, only on the days when she isn't working. That leads me to further believe that he's intentionally messing with me. She believes me, of course- she even told me that he'd done this to another employee a few years ago, and they quit out of frustration. She's actually pretty mad about it. It's kind of nice to have someone angry on my behalf. This is the first workplace where someone has been mean to me, and it isn't being brushed under the rug, so that's good at least. I asked her not to say anything yet, because I'm hoping I can try to resolve it myself.

My plan? The next time he snarks at me, or makes a rude comment, or micromanages, I'm just going to...say something. I've been practicing different things I can say. None of them are rude in turn, just firm and polite. If saying something doesn't work...or if I freeze again and just take it...I'll have to bring it to the owners.

The problem is, I think he's been particularly mean to be because I told the owners once before. He didn't get in trouble or anything like that; if anything, the owners seemed surprised, like they thought I had misinterpreted his behavior. They both told me they thought he was very nice and sweet. I agreed that he had the capacity to be so; part of why his actions had been disorienting was that we had been on good terms for months! We would chat, we were chill, then one day, his demeanor changed. I looked back into our last normal conversations to make sure I didn't say anything off, but to my knowledge, it feels like it happened for no reason.

I guess their comments do sound like it was being brushed under the rug after all, but M is fierce, and said she won't like it slide again. It...feels nice to have someone in my corner. She makes me feel protected, which is something I've very rarely felt.

I'm just afraid that if I try to resolve the situation, and it gets worse...I have issues with this job, but it's also very flexible, and I'm good at the work. I don't think I could find another job in the industry like this. The nature is laid back- or was, I guess- and I just don't think I can adjust to a new job in a new place with its own problems...not again, at least.

My ideal situation would be not having to work for a living in the first place. I'm tired all the time. I have so much I want to do that I just can't. All my hobbies during the week are self-care focused so I don't burn out. It leaves very little time to write or draw. I run, I stretch, because I know the exercise helps me regulate, but then the exercise takes me out, too. I feel like I spent every weekend doing very little to compensate.

I feel like that art piece...that machine that's constantly trying to sweep up its own oil spill. There's just always Something. I'm floundering to hold myself together, it takes constant effort. Regulating myself feels like a second full time job.

I've been having bad dreams about a different place I worked, where something similar to this happened. It started with comments and rude remarks. Then it turned into physical threats and genuine bullying. My boss at that time didn't believe me. It turned so hostile I had to quit. I just don't want that to happen again.

It's going to sound so self-pitying, but I don't know what it is about me that causes this to happen. I never tell people I'm autistic anymore because it leads to bad things, but it seems like people are just able to tell. I've gotten singled out to be bullied at every place I've ever worked, every year in school...

I think it's my looks, too. I look a bit strange. I have huge eyes, and a very small mouth, round cheeks- my nose was broken as a kid, so it's got a permanent tilt. I look awkward. I've always been told so. If I was attractive, I think I could get away with my oddities. The fact that I'm awkward and weird looking? Nuh-uh.

Anyways, I've got to get ready for work. So...we'll see how that goes. I really don't want to go today. Augh!

[thenineofus]

Ok, I'll do it then, I need to talk about Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke.

I have been rotating this in my head for months now, and the reason it frustrates me so much is because there are many interesting concepts the book introduces but Eric LaRocca can't write to save their life!

Take for instance the Oedipus Rex thing. So the book is heavily inspired by Oedipus Rex, with the mommy issues and the eye thing at the end. But it feels so shallow, the mommy play happens exactly once and it's not enough to drive home the theme, and if this was their goal, why not imply that the Zoe IS Agnes' mother catfishing her, and that's why she never sends pictures and rejects the offers to meet up irl? Or idk, be more heavy handed with the mommy play, but even that wouldn't be so effective, Oedipus is only shocking because it really was his mother all along, mommy play is very vanilla in my opinion.

One interpretation I saw someone have is that maybe Zoe killed Agnes and forged the emails they exchanged, since she had Agnes' passwords. But if that was ever truly a possibility that the readers should pick up at, then there should be SOME indication that there could have been some action Zoe took that could threaten Agnes' life before idk a sudden change in the emails subject or something. And most importantly: the characters should have unique voices! Well, they should no matter what, that is just decent writing anyway. But if at some point we need to suspect that one of them is impersonating the other, then it's vital that we can recognize their writing, which we don't at all, they talk exactly the same from the very beginning.

The way Eric LaRocca writes characters is one of my biggest issue with their stories. Eric is very well read and knows many complicated words, and they want us to know that, so EVERY SINGLE ONE of their characters talk in this unnatural way, using very specific words, for very mundane conversations. I have read 3 stories they wrote and across all three, the 6 main characters ALL talk like that.

Another issue I have with their writing is that they want so bad to describe the fucked up things and disgust/disturb the reader, but they don't really know how to weave all these things together, so characters just randomly tell each other about that one thing they read on the paper, that one thing their father told them he did, that one thing they saw when they were a child. And none of the things comes back thematically, it's so gratuitous that it even fails to disturb.

Which brings us to the most disappointing part, the tapeworm thing. It all happens so fast and so inconsequentially. The author really thought they were being sooo clever by making this girl contract a parasite on purpose to feel like there is a baby growing inside her. But then we barely get any description of negative reactions a person gets when they contract a parasite, she has some cramps and that's it? Then it passes and she gets sad, it's all so pointless.

It is a wasted opportunity, what if Agnes started getting thinner and thinner, lost hair and teeth because tapeworms absorb the vitamins their host consume. What if she had instead gotten a brain worm instead of her desired intestine one. What if in that part of the story she thinks she didn't contract anything she starts getting seizures, hallucinations and behaving erratically, only to find out she DID get her tapeworm, but in her brain instead!

That would actually have been clever, because she specifically eats raw pork, and taenia are more likely to spread via pork. And also one of the most common symptoms of these parasites is that it affects the EYES, which would make the ending even more thematically coherent.

Anyway, I guess I'm saying all of this because I can't stop thinking of all the potential this book has to be genuinely interesting, but that are never realized because Eric LaRocca is a bad writer, they should hire a co-writer or a better editor, someone that pushed them to do more and do better, all their stories feel like a first draft.

[bluekat12345]

Pokemon Scarlet DLC: Indigo Disk review

(This will contain spoilers for Indigo Disk DLC for Pokemon Scarlet. Do Not Read if you don't want to be spoiled.)

This was epic! This was worth the wait, and it was amazing!

First off, Blueberry Academy looked great, I loved the uniforms we get, winter being my favorite, and all the Pokémon that was there, totally nostalgia! I really liked the way the school was designed, though I'm not sure if having a dorm room was really necessary, but i do appreciate having. While it looks like the one in Paldea, I do like the blue colors, since blue is my favorite color.

Though the battles were crazy tough, even my team of level 100 pokemon struggled and fainted. I don't understand why all the battles needed to be double battles. I know the school is really focused on battling, but surely more single battles wouldn't hurt.

Speaking of pokemon, the Pokémon you can get were amazing. I saw so many of my favorite pokemon from previous games here. While I didn't use the Pokémon much during the storyline, I did catch some, and even managed to train some to win in the Academy Ace Tournament. I was super happy to see the Alolan pokemon here! Haven't gotten any starters, but I'm not really focusing too much on those. While I'm still not sure about Archaludon, I found myself impressed with Hydrapple, I'm glad Dripplin got another evolution, makes me want to get one myself.

I also liked the characters. The BB Elite Four were great, but Drayton, I have mixed feelings about him, since I get what he was trying to do, but I felt like he didn't need to rub in Kieran's loss when the guy was already down. I was happy to see Carmine, certainly a better attitude than when we first met her and she seems like she's genuinely trying to help her brother and be a better sister to him. And of course Kieran, he is completely different than he was in the Teal Mask, but I still liked him. And like Carmine, I was actually worried about him and that grew as the story progressed. I actually felt bad beating him as BB League Champion. And when we went to Area Zero, I felt bad when Terapagos was about to go to me. I was actually a bit disappointed when even after he caught it, we still had to be the ones to keep it, but I'm glad he didn't mind that time. I hope to see the two siblings again soon. And Briar, I knew she was too obsessed with confirming Heath's findings in Area Zero, but I'm genuinely surprised she wasn't a surprised villain, especially how she was encouraging Kieran to catch and use Terapagos. Bit disappointed to be wrong about that, but I'll survive.

And of course, the storyline was amazing. I love how it picks up from where Teal Mask left off, with Kieran obsessed with getting stronger and Carmine wanting us to help us. I felt that was really well handled, especially with how things between us and Kieran would seem to get worse before finally getting better. The DLC handled our relationships quite well. However, I felt the actually Indigo Disk wasn't as focused on as the actually Teal mask was in its DLC. Like, the Teal Mask was more connected to Ogrepon while I felt the Indigo Disk had very little to do with Terapagos, aside from giving us access to the deeper levels of Area Zero to find it. Plus, the way we get the Disk was a bit anticlimactic to me, since Geeta just gives it to us, I was hoping the Inidigo Disk would be more a part of Terapagos or its backstop, but nope. Still, seeing more of Area Zero was beautiful and I want to explore more of it.

I honestly don't really have much to say about the club room or those BBQs. I'll do them if I'm bored, but I'm not too invested. It's cool to be able to change our throwing style, though.

Overall, this was amazing and worth the wait. Can't wait to explore more of Blueberry Academy.

[darcyfangirlsfrequently]

67. Garvez

Oh my god this one is so perfect for them! You're not a Garvez fic writer until you've written a "stuck in the elevator" fic 😂. I've kinda fallen behind on these but please guys, send me asks, I'll reblog the asks games so you know the prompts.

#67: Of all the people I could’ve gotten stuck in an elevator with and it just had to be you.

The lights flickered and the elevator ground to a halt. Luke leaned forward and pressed the emergency call button.

"Yeah, I see it," the elevator control operator said before either of them had a chance to even open their mouths. "We'll get someone on it, but not promises on how long it'll take."

Penelope rolled her eyes and groaned. "Of course. Of all the people I could've gotten stuck in an elevator with, it just had to be you."

"Come on, I'm not that bad, am I?"

Oh he was indeed that bad. That smile, that laugh, that face… and stuck in a small elevator where she was forced to be in close proximity to him? And could smell his Cologne? This was dangerous territory and she could not see an scenario in which she escaped emotionally unscathed. "That's where you're wrong, Newbie. You aren't just that bad, you are worse."

His usual cocky smirk fell a bit. "Do you really hate me that much? If I did something to upset you, I'm sorry, it was unintentional, and I'd like you to tell me about it so I can properly make up for it."

His sudden vulnerability and insecurity took her by surprise.

"I… I don't hate you," she stammered.

"Uh huh. Really convincing."

"No, I'm serious! This was just banter, I was kidding, I thought you knew that. You've always gone along with it."

"Well, yeah, but normally when there's banter there's also the occasional nice thing said to balance it out. Every time you've ever treated me similarly to the way you treat everyone else you shit down afterwords and then double down on the Newbies and sharp words. What's a guy supposed to think? I know I came in right after your best friend left, is that what all of this is about?"

Caught. "Kind of."

"Well I get why that would be upsetting, but why have you been holding it against me for years? I had no control over when he left. I wasn't trying to replace him, just fill an empty spot on the team. And it's been years now. So what's your deal with me still?"

"I've given up on hoping people will last," she admitted. "Morgan was here for over eleven years, he was built for this place… and then in the blink of an eye he was gone. And then we lost Hotch. And then Stephen… when I let people in, they leave. And it hurts. And you were supposed to be temporary, and I didn't want to get attached to you just to have you leave. I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt."

"I und that," he said. "And I guess the 'few years' argument doesn't mean much after Morgan and Hotch Left after so long. But I plan on sticking around a while longer. I've never felt more at home than I do right here."

"But what if that changes? Then you'll move on and forget all about us. Forget about me."

He barked out a laugh. "You think I could forget about you? I thought you were smart. Penelope Garcia, you are unforgettable. You wedge yourself into people's heads and hearts and set up camp and never leave. It's one of the many things I love about you. And if you–"

"I'm sorry," she interrupted. "It's one of the many things you what about me?" Normally this wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone else on her team had told her they love her… but not him. That word has never left his lips. And she wasn't a profiler, but she was a profiler by association, and there was something different about the way he said it. It was almost… reverent. Like he genuinely loved her.

He mentally backtracked through the conversation. You wedge yourself into people's heads and hearts and set up camp and never leave. It's one of the many things I love– oh shit. Shit. "Um, I mean, admire. Respect. You know, like– oh god I can see on your face you aren't believing a word I'm saying, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable I swear."

"No, you didn't, I…" she had no idea what to do. This was the real reason she had been pushing him away since the beginning. She had fallen for him, hard, and didn't think it would ever be reciprocated. But here he was. Reciprocating. "You love me?"

He knew there was no point in denying it anymore. She pretty much knew already anyway. "Yeah. I do."

He loved her. He loved her. "I love you too."

His eyes went wide and he stared at her in shock, though she could see the glee in the back of his eyes. "You do?"

"I do."

[natty-tuning-in]

Hoh boy. I don't know how to tag this one man.

Side note: Tavin is (ethnically) Korean. that's why ppl are confused at his accent. this is written from his point of view and is how he feels about himself, I don't think these things abt him or anyone who is like him!! he just hates himself a LOT and this is that internal monolog almost.

Side side note I have AUs of my own OCs 💀💀 this is the main universe, canon if u will. I should start tagging AUs... the "virgin boy never came once" Alex agenda is fun but the main universe Alex isn't like that.

tw; dehumanization, hypersexuality, implied sexual assault, serious self hatred, slut-shaming, person being referred to as a thing, severe depression, he's known as the local slut that anyone can pull basically. also I use Italics WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH because it sounds good in my voice in my head, so just strain those words in your head kinda. lmk if I should tw for anything else cus I'm running on 2 hours of sleep rn

Tavin could barely even meet the man's eyes.

He knew that people fell in love with each other, and he knew that it happened for most people. But not for him. How could it? People with worth fell in love with other worthy people. From all he'd gathered, he wasn't considered worthy. Not in the slightest.

He didn't consider himself worthy, other people didn't consider him worthy. It wasn't hard to gather that he was pretty much supposed to be in bad relationships, or on his own. At least, that's what he assumed. Anyone with even an ounce of self respect didn't dare look at him with anything other than lust. He wasn't ever meant to be anything more than a casual one night thing, or maybe a little experiment for another guy to figure out his sexuality. And that was fine. He'd gotten used to it. He'd more than gotten used to it, he had just fully accepted it. This was how it should be, and him trying to actually bond with someone was just utterly embarrassing on his part.

Everyone saw it as desperation, everyone saw it as off putting. He couldn't switch up now, he was known. Once a whore, always a whore. It was his own damn fault and he accepted it. He tried his hardest to stifle all these ridiculous, absurd fantasies of his, ones where someone would tell him 'I love you', someone other than a half-stranger on top of him with a brain full of oxytocin and eyes completely lacking any genuine emotion besides lust.

He was getting tired. He was getting tired of waking up in a strange bed. He was tired of not being able to look anyone on top of him in the eye. He was tired of people dragging their nails across the areas that he hated being touched in. He was tired of every single touch leaving a bruise, a not so gentle reminder that everyone only saw him as an object and that it'd fucking stay that way and it was his own fault. He has no one else to blame but himself.

And what was worse was he couldn't tell if it would be better to quit or not. He was starved of everything a person could be starved of. The way these people touched him was cold and selfish, and he absolutely hated it, but it was still touch. And he couldn't even fucking tell if it was worse having to go without that. Touch he hated was better than nothing, especially if that was the only relationship, if it could be called that, that he could get. He couldn't decide if waking up in a stranger's bed was worse than waking up in his own. His own bed, where he'd lay for hours upon hours, rotting in his own stinking cesspit of a mind, staring at his ceiling and feeling so goddamn helpless and stuck.

This couldn't change, and he didn't know if he wanted to throw all of it away. It was his only distraction from his wretched imagination. It was like gasoline to the pain of his mind, sure. But more importantly was it cancelled itself out. One more body in his count, one more face to haunt him. One more night he was running from his thoughts. A price he was willing to pay, apparently. It was like a drug.

He was confusing to look at and that's why people were attracted to him like flies. Trying to figure out what was wrong with him, he assumed. Why are your eyes different colors? You look so young. You're so tall! You're so skinny! And his absolute least favorite: why do you sound like that? Do you have a speech impediment? You don't look Russian. He was Russian. And maybe people would know that Russian isn't a fucking look, that you dont look Russian. They'd know if they actually cared enough to get to know him. God, how long had it been since he'd had a personal conversation?

And then this guy came in.

This. Fucking. Guy.

Puppy dog eyes, auburn hair and a real zest for life. Happy all the damn time, equal parts innocent and flirty, and the most adorable combination of facial features Tavin had ever seen. And his nose, god, Tavin felt so pathetic for fawning over a damn facial feature. But it was adorable. It was slightly downturned and it complimented his downturned eyes perfectly and gave him the most gorgeous and bright smile. He was a human sunshine.

And it made Tavin sick.

He was a literal slut. People didn't even have to try anymore. All it took was for someone to look into his tired, tired eyes, swallowed by puffy dark skin, and nod to the exit. And people knew that. He'd gotten so pathetic that people knew they could get him for a night if they made eye contact. Sometimes he wondered how they could do it. He couldn't bring himself to say no. He was too tired, too self hating to ever do it. He wondered how these people could knowingly take advantage of him. And then he'd shut the thoughts up by telling himself that it didn't matter. It's what he deserved, right? He could just say no. He wasn't worth anything and he was lucky people still had the guts to touch him, right?

And here was this fella, with a good career, a good family… a good everything. He was perfect. He was happy, relatively rich, basically a virgin next to Tavin, too, and had the most adorable cat named Pumpkin. He wasn't even in Tavin's 'Worth' system. He was just… priceless. He was perfect. He deserved the absolute best. And that wasn't Tavin.

So why on earth did he insist on talking to him? Tavin couldn't understand why this man would even dare associate with some thing like him. It drove him up the wall that this guy seemed to care. He didn't know how to break it to him that he didn't deserve care. At first he was fine with their arrangement. Started as a hook up, which immediately told Tavin he was different because of how he acted.

None of his touches bruised, none of his words hurt, he left no marks on Tavin at all. And he had listened. Tavin had all but given up telling, begging, people to not touch these specific places. And they usually would because they didn't care. But this guy didn't do that. He listened. And he communicated, and the second he left Tavin's apartment, Tavin was on the floor bawling. Because he liked it. And that, of all things, made him sick to his stomach with guilt and shame. Because he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it at all. And he felt like a pig for indulging in this affection that he felt he never should have been afforded.

And just as he was about to throw up from how disgusting he felt, he got a text. A text from that very guy that said he'd just love to meet up. In a normal context. A friendly setting. To talk and get to know each other with absolutely no sexual intentions.

A date..?

And against all his mind's screaming, he accepted. And he got to know this guy a little More.

His name was Alex, he used to be a psychologist but then he transitioned to neurology. He had two doctorates. He was fucking smart. His father was Irish, and Tavin could pick up on the Irish in his accent. It was mostly a basic jersey accent, though. He doesn't really particularly enjoy meeting new people in a romantic context. Tavin gathered he wasn't a big fan of hook ups, either. Said he'd had like, what, three max?

So why on earth did Tavin catch his eye?

Tavin eventually broke and asked him, and Alex looked at him with those damn puppy eyes, brimming with tears of concern. And he confused Tavin even further, saying he didn't see Tavin like that, that he didn't care what others thought. How could he? People must hold these opinions for a reason, right? If everyone looked down on him then there must be a reason, right?

[dinosaurchurch]

It's hard to stand on your own, there's no doubt about that especially when you've grown accustomed to relying on other people. I think that there comes a point where everyone is in that boat, even those that people think are 'tough' or 'strong'. You have to take the leap and to let go of everyone's hand for once to stand on your own and shine your way through the dark.

Even with the turbulence over the past few years I think I can finally say I'm okay to stand by myself spite a year ago not knowing if I could. It's funny for me to say that I didn't know if I'd ever pull out of that low and find my shine again. It's that uncertainty that shook my confidence, it's not something that was easily gotten back but here I am - doing a 180 on my mood and outlook.

It's like what changed? What did I do to get back here? If there was a hell, I think I found it because my inner demons sure as hell didn't want to leave me alone long enough to find peace. It's fighting that doubt - the insecurities and fears that I swept under the rug and thought were going away when they weren't that made this what it was. I forced myself to slug through it because no matter how much of a support system you have it's ultimately you that has to pull through for yourself. Nobody can help you if you give up and throw the towel in.

Grueling isn't even the word for it. There was days that were worse than others that I could feel my anxieties creeping back up - the depression I had trying to tug me back into the hole that I was trying to crawling up from. Then there were days that things felt like they were looking up, it was like a life boat floating there waiting for me. It was the thought mainly that I felt okay before this then I'll feel okay after it passes that kept me going.

I don't think I could describe to people the amount of emotions I kept at bay; I didn't want to break down in front of anyone. People have never seen me that way and honestly I didn't want them to, I think the biggest reason behind that was the mere fact that once I break down other people follow suit. It's hard when people prop you up onto this pedestal - like you're the one that people should be following so when you take a misstep what do you do? It's a double edged sword, I genuinely like being the leader figure for people but at the same time I don't want people to feel some of the vulnerabilities or suffer as I have with what I don't typically show people. I realize that I'm only human and I think that comes with the territory that I will need someone to set me back onto the right path from time to time too.

Maybe it's just how I am but I don't like to flaunt my inner world and open up that much to people. I'm expressive, but I'm private. I think a lot of folks get the two mixed up since there's some overlap here but they are still very much separate things. It's one of many reasons why I write down what I'm thinking; if I didn't tell anybody then they'd never know. It's good to get things off your chest and to express yourself.

All I know is that regardless of what I've said, I've come a long way since this time last year. Mental health is something people should be putting more focus on - it can absolutely affect your physical self in ways that you probably wouldn't of guessed. I found that out the hard way so that's another reason why I decided to write these sort of 'journal entry' posts. You're not alone, it's just that people don't talk about these sorts of struggles openly. I'm glad that's changing, it needs to.

Anyways I've rambled enough. I'm happy to be where I am.