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sillyrabbit81 · 3 years

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Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: swearing, mild smuttiness

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 9 Part 11

Part 10

We eventually got up. We showered and dressed. I fed Perrin, and we ate breakfast. I asked Liam what his plans were for the day.

"Not much. I thought I would stay with you until you kick me out." He winked. "What are your plans?"

"Well, I have to kick this guy out..." I said with mock agitation. Liam feigned a look of hurt. "Not much until tonight. I'm going to Dave's house for dinner. I'll see my nephews and niece, which will be good. My Mum too, I suppose."

"Dave's your brother, right?" I nodded. "You haven't told me much about your mother. I think this is the first time you've mentioned her."

"We don't always get along. Mum's mellowed as she's gotten older, but she was a bit of a tyrant when I was growing up. She didn't like Andy. Well, she didn't like any of my boyfriends. She always judged them based on their jobs like she wanted me to end up with a doctor or lawyer or something like that. It's like she thought she'd wasted her money sending me to a private school because I found myself attracted to tradies."

"What's a tradie?

"A tradesman."

"Gotcha."

I laughed at a memory. "I used to tell my friends that if a guys hands weren't calloused enough to cause a run in my stockings, then he has no business touching my legs."

Liam burst out laughing. "Are you serious?"

"What can I say? I like a man who is good with his hands." I shrugged before continuing, "anyway, that's one reason why my mum and I didn't get along."

"What about your Dad?"

"He passed away three years ago."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything for a while. I played with the crusts of my toast, breaking it into little crumbs. I think Liam sensed my mood and changed the subject. "You went to a private school?"

"Yeah," I said. "An all-girls, Catholic one at that."

"Well, that explains a lot." Liam quipped, his tone very serious, but his twitchy lip gave him away.

I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I hate you."

Liam ignored me and cupped my face with his hands. "Kiss me." He ordered. And I did.

We spent most of the morning sitting together and talking. We spoke about the books we were reading. We found that we had similar taste in books when we talked before we met. Liam had recommended a book to me, and I had finished it a few days ago. I showed him my bookshelves, and we compared which ones we had read. He asked to borrow a couple.

Later we just sat on the lounge. We talked, held hands, cuddled, kissed, had coffee, and then some tea. We took turns patting Perrin, who had taken to Liam really well.

It got close to lunchtime, and it seemed like we were both trying to work out a way to avoid the inevitable parting. Neither of us had brought it up since breakfast. Eventually, Liam asked, "when can I see you again?"

Liam was sitting up, and I was laying on my back with my head in his lap. Liam was stroking my hair, sometimes taking a curl and twisting it around his finger. I smiled when I saw him do that since I had done the same to him earlier.

"As soon as possible," I replied. "I'm going to miss your pretty face." I reached up and patted his cheek patronisingly.

He gave me a small smile but didn't say anything. Then his god damned lip twitched.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. "I can tell when your lip twitches that you're thinking something naughty or you know something I don't know."

"My mother tells me the same thing." His lips stretched into a full grin, revealing his Hollywood white teeth.

"Well, I'm not your bloody mother, so tell me."

"I was just thinking about all the parts of you that I'm going to miss."

"You're very cheeky."

"Unfortunately for you, my mother tells me that too."

"You're a fuck knuckle," I said, smirking. "I'll bet your mother doesn't tell you that."

Liam's eyes went wide. "Bloody hell, Sweetheart. Anyone would think you didn't like me." He was smiling though.

"It's because I like you that I insult you. I'm very polite to people I don't like." I said, putting a sickly sweet smile on my face and batted my eyelashes at him.

"You're lucky you're cute." Liam leaned down and kissed me. "You haven't answered my question. When can I see you again?"

"Well, we both work all week. I guess that means we will have to wait until Friday night."

"Do you want to come to my place on Friday after work? Spend the weekend with me?"

"Ok. I'll ask Dave when I see him tonight if he will have Perrin for me. But it shouldn't be an issue."

Liam's face was unreadable for a moment. Then he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'm already looking forward to it." He sat back and said, "well, I suppose I had better call an Uber."

I sat up and waited for Liam to book his ride. When he had finished, I said, "Call me tomorrow night. After work?"

Liam nodded. He scooped me up and sat me on his lap. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. You won't get rid of me easily." He smiled and caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Now, kiss me."

I threw my hands around his neck and kissed him hard.

Liam kissed me back, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he crushed my body into his. Our kisses became ardent, and I squirmed on his lap. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever.

I wanted him again now, and I cursed myself for letting him call for an Uber. I felt like he was part of my life like I had already given let him into my heart when I let him in this house. This sacred place. Mine and Andy's place. It seemed as though he had just blended into my life and any thoughts of the future now included him.

But I also knew enough to hold back, to remember I didn't really know him. The weekend wasn't real life. It was an illusion. It wasn't the daily grind of work, come home, sleep, do it all again. To make it worse, Liam's life wasn't normal. Would I adjust? Could I adjust? Did I even want to try?

I knew I did want to try, at least. Liam seemed worth it. Worth the risk of another broken heart, another love snatched from my grasp. If I didn't try with Liam, then who would I try with? And if I never tried, then love would be gone from my life forever.

Liam pulled away. "I had better go now, or I think I'll never leave." We got up just as his phone alerted him the driver was less than a minute away. He grabbed his bag, and I walked him to the door, and he followed behind me up the hallway.

We got to the door, and before I could open it, he turned me around and pinned me to it with his whole body. His forehead pushed against mine. He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He ground his body against me. "Lana," he breathed. "Lana, I..." He stopped talking, kissed me again softly then pulled away.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Liam to stop. "I'll call you tonight," I said despite our plans to call tomorrow night. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I opened the door for him.

As he walked out the door, Liam put his hand on the back of my head. He brought me to his face, and he kissed the top of my head. "As you wish." He winked and pulled the door closed behind him.

The rest of my day felt lonely. I moped around for a bit. I threw Perrin the ball for a while. He was too old these days for more than a few runs, but he still loved it. I did some washing, cleaned my bathroom and put my Ben and Jerry's tub in the bin. I painted my nails.

When the afternoon wound down, I called Riza.

"Hey, Slut!" She said when she picked up.

"Piss off," I said back.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Well, did you fuck him?" I shook my head. If Liam thought I was direct, he should talk to Riza. I didn't say anything. She knew me well enough to know what the answer was by my silence. "'Bout fucking time." She said, and I laughed. "So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do for work? Where does he live? Boxers or briefs?"

"Uh, his name is Liam. Liam Cross."

"Like the actor? Man, that's weird. I knew a girl once whose name was Indiana Jones. I couldn't do it cause I kept thinking about Harrison Ford."

"No, Riz. Not like the actor, he is the actor."

Stunned silence. Then, "you're shitting me."

"Serious as a heart attack."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know who he was," I told Riza about the Will/Liam thing.

"You're really not joking. Send me a pic."

"I didn't take any."

I swear I could hear Riza roll her eyes. "Of course, you didn't. You never do!" Then she shouted, "Hey Jen! Lana..."

"Riza! No, no, no!" I shouted.

"Fucked Liam Cross," she finished.

I hung my head. Fuck. I could trust Riza, but Jen, I wasn't sure of. She spent all day on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't know if she could keep quiet.

"You there, Lansey?" I heard Jen talking in the background. "Hang on a sec, what's that, babe?" More Jen talking. "Oh shit, you looked good on Friday night Lans, no wonder you got fucked."

"How do you know what I wore Friday night?"

"Jen found pics."

"That quickly?"

"Yeah, they're everywhere. Some of you guys at a shop too. Hey, that's the shop near Mike the Butcher, right?"

This was news to me. I knew they took pictures, but I didn't think they were posted. I should have though. Why wouldn't they be? "Fuck."

"Did you just meet him? On Friday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's this one picture of you two, and he's touching your cheek. You two look like you're in love," she teased, making love sound like llllooooouuuuv. "Ha! There's Perrin!"

"Is my name mentioned? Do they know who I am?"

"Doesn't look like it. You two look perfect together."

"Tell Jen not to say anything. Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, no worries."

She kept talking, but I'd had enough. "I've gotta get going," I said.

"Lans, you ok?" She knows me too bloody well.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and took some deep breaths. "It's a lot to take in, you know. He's bloody famous, it's like, I don't want that shit in my life."

"Is he worth it?"

"I think so. I mean, he's a sweet, kinda daggy guy who happens to be built like Hercules and sexy as fuck. What's not to like?"

"I always thought he was gay."

Before I could stop myself, I said, "He's definitely not gay. I'd never believe a gay guy could growl a girl out like he does." I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Riza yelled, "yas girl! You got a keeper!"

I laughed. "Fucking hell. Alright, Riz, I've really got to go. Say hi to Jen. Don't say anything!" Riz agreed, and we hung up.

Dinner at Dave and Lucy's was mostly uneventful. I jumped with the kids on the trampoline and played some wrestling on the PlayStation. My mum wasn't too much of a bitch. I forgot about the pictures and didn't think about Liam for a while. I needed that. I felt like the weekend was such a whirlwind and so much happened I needed some time to get back to normality, something familiar.

After dinner, Mum went home, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I got on the lounge with the two older ones, Charlie and Harry and went through Netflix. Lucy had taken Lilly to bed. I saw Liam's face in one of the movies thumbnails, and I groaned. It was the one where he was a superhero. It was nearly ten years old. Though it didn't seem possible, he was even more handsome now. I quickly flicked past it.

"No, Aunty Lanny, I want to watch that one," Harry said.

"Isn't it too scary?"

Dave called out from the kitchen, "it's their new favourite. They've been watching it all week."

"Then we can watch something else," I said.

Both boys protested. I half relented. "Have you seen the sequel?" It had much less screen time for Liam since he had teamed up with a couple of other superheroes in that one.

"There's a sequel?" Charlie was excited.

So we watched the sequel. I'd seen it before, but it was weird watching it now. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Although it was obvious that Liam was the actor, it was surprisingly easy to forget him and believe he was really the character.

He looked different to the Liam I knew. His hair was lighter, he was clean-shaven, and even the way he held his face was different. The way he moved and mannerisms weren't Liam's either. His voice was different too. The most apparent change there was the accent. Those harsh American tones seemed so strange after hearing his soft Queens English ones. Although, scenes with his shirt off still made me think of Liam.

After the movie I said goodbye to the kids, and they went to bed. I asked Dave if he would watch Perrin next weekend. I tried to sound casual about it, but Dave knew me better than that.

"Girls weekend?" He asked. I tried to say yeah, but I blushed, and he knew it wasn't a girls weekend.

Dave was eight years older than me, the same as Liam. I adored Dave. I remember following him around as a kid, wanting to do everything he did. As we got older, I watched the same movies he did, read the same books he did and listened to the same music, which is probably why I prefer 90s music to 2000s music.

He was sweet about it for the most part. He even got me alcohol a few times when I was 17 and took me to the pub with his mates when I was 18. He was protective though. Not one of his mates was allowed to touch me. It had made me mad at the time, especially when I had the hots for his best mate Chris since I was 12. So when he worked out that I was probably going to be spending the weekend with a guy, I expected him to freak out. He didn't.

"Is he a good bloke?" Dave asked. "Treating you well?"

"Yeah, he is." I couldn't help but smile.

Dave grunted, "I can tell by the look on your face, you are smitten. Alright then, Perrin can stay."

"Thanks, Dave. Don't tell mum."

"Yeah, Nah. I'm not stupid."

I went home and got ready for bed straight away. I was mentally exhausted, but I still called Liam. Not only because I said I would. I did miss him in my bed already. I felt lonely again. Of all the things about being married I missed, sleeping with somebody else in the bed was high on the list.

When I went to call, I was confused for a minute because I couldn't find his number. Then I remembered he was in my contacts as Will. I changed the name and called him. I hoped I wasn't calling too late.

"Hello, Sweetheart." Liam's voice sent a ripple of excitement through me.

"Hey," I said. "How was the rest of your day?"

"Good. Do you want to FaceTime?"

"I'm in bed."

"Me too." He said, and I heard the ring of FaceTime come through the phone.

I answered. Liam's face appeared. So did his naked shoulders. Sweet Jesus, he couldn't fit in the frame.

"Much better," he said, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Ok, I just hung around at home then saw the fam. Dave said he would have Perrin next weekend," I got flustered thinking about it. I cleared my throat. "So yeah, that's sorted."

"Excellent. I'm really looking forward to it. How was the family? Was your mum ok?"

"Yeah, she was good. The kids are fans of yours, by the way."

He gave a short laugh at this. "Really? Did you tell your family about me?"

I said I didn't and told him about the kids and the movie. "They loved it. I liked it too." I told him about how it was strange to watch him act after actually knowing him, and for a lot of the time, I had forgotten it was him. I just believed the character and enjoyed the story.

"Thank you." Liam seemed genuinely pleased. "That is the aim of what I do."

"I did tell Riza about you. Her wife, Jen, found pictures of us almost immediately."

"Did you see the ones from yesterday?"

"She told me about them, but I've not seen them."

"You ok?"

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I asked them not to say anything about us."

Liam changed the subject and showed me he had started one of the books he had borrowed. Once again, I was grateful that he seemed to know my mood and not push me.

We talked for about ten minutes before I started yawning.

"I better let you go. You're tired, Sweetheart."

"Yeah," I said as a yawn overtook me. "I think you're right." I blinked several times, my eyes watering from the yawns. "Call me tomorrow night?"

"I definitely will. Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Liam." I fell straight asleep.

Part 11

#original character #original fiction #romantic story #happy ever after

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patheticwithanem · 3 years

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2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL.

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier.

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice.

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times.

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again.

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm).

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well.

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music.

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH.

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go.

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body.

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT.

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good.

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter.

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake.

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight.

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all.

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time.

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did.

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable.

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together.

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room!

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year.

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it.

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA.

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020.

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life.

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

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eddiesasspbrak · 4 years

Text

When I’m With You Ch. 20

Eddie can’t stand the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Richie has fallen in love with the man he sees twice a week. Stan is dating someone but won’t let his friends meet them. Ben is in love with Beverly, but is so afraid of scaring her away he’s not moving forward. Chaotic friends navigating college together. \

NSFW content to follow. minors don’t interact

Ch. 1

read on AO3

5k+ words

Richie had been anxious the rest of the day. He’d stayed to help out until the rush died down and then gone into the back to bake. He wasn’t on the schedule, he probably wouldn’t even get paid for it, but he didn’t want to head back to the building. Sonia Kaspbrak hadn’t been what he was expecting. She was much, much worse. He’d heard all of Eddie’s stories about what a menace she was growing up and how afraid of her he was but seeing it in the flesh was so different. Eddie seemed so…small when in her presence. Afraid to speak. It made Richie sick, made his chest hurt and he just knew that if he was face to face with her again he wouldn’t be able to keep it inside.

He loved Eddie and the last thing he wanted to do was make things more difficult for him. It took every bit of self restraint not to go after them when they left the café. It also helped that Mike knew him all too well and held on tight to his wrist until they were out of sight. That last look Eddie set on him was very nearly heartbreaking. Who knows what he would have done had Mike not been holding him.

Baking helped him clear his head and think things through. It was part of the reason he’d started baking in the first place. Having something to focus on pushed all other worries from his mind. Wasn’t there a musical about that? Baking all your troubles away. He was into stage acting but knew little about musicals. Still, he was sure he’d heard someone listening to a song like that. Either way, it definitely described the way he felt about baking.

Even so, Eddie was on his mind while he measured, poured, mixed, folded, cut and iced. He knew that once his mom went home the following day, things would go back to normal. Eddie would smile again, and they wouldn’t have to hide. After pining for him for so long, not being able to interact with him normally for even one day was torture. Especially after the night before when they’d been so carefree, wrapped up in each other only seeing the other for a blissful moment. Also, it was hot as fuck and way better than the fantasies he’d been jerking off to for the past several months.

Richie had always pictured the morning after being filled with naked kisses and cuddling and maybe a blow job or two. Definitely not being woken up by a panicked Eddie who he couldn’t even take the proper time to comfort.

It was Bill, coming in to check on him after a few hours of letting him be, that broke him from his cycle of baking and worrying. “Richie, what the f-fuck? We’re never going to sell all of this before it goes stale.” Bill was exasperated, looking at the tables and cooling racks full of trays holding various baked goods.

“Run a two for one sale?” Richie shrugged, taking a look at the pile of dirty dishes he had to run through the washer.

“Alright, I’m c-calling it. Go home. I’ll deal with all of this.”

“No, I can’t go home yet. I’ll stay till closing.

“Absolutely not. You weren’t even supposed to be h-h-here today. We appreciate the help, really. But if you b-bake anymore the owner is going to k-kill you and maybe m-me. Leave.”

Richie sighed and untied the apron, lifting it over his head and handing it to Bill as he walked to the door. “Fine. But if I get drunk and text pictures of my dick to Eddie and his mom sees it, I’m blaming you.”

“Or you could just not get drunk!” Bill called after him, to which Richie only shrugged.

He said goodbye to Mike and headed out into the rapidly darkening evening. There was nowhere to go but home. He was sure Bev and Ben were together doing who knows what. Ladies and the Tramps would be closed, and he hated showing up at their place unannounced. So, he dragged his feet heading home, hoping that Sonia was in for the night and he wouldn’t have any unpleasant run ins with her in the hallway. Still, as he exited the elevator and made his way to his apartment, he slowed down in front of Eddie’s door, listening for any voices. All he heard was the TV and he couldn’t even be sure it was coming from Eddie’s apartment without pressing his ear to the door.

Once inside his own place, he kicked off his shoes and dropped his coat on the closest beanbag chair, tossing his keys on top. He was starving, having not eaten anything but a few pastries at work, and grabbed the takeout menus that were clipped together from his counter. He was content to flop down on one of the chairs and search through them while watching something dumb on TV but before he could commence the flopping, a knock sounded from his door. Tossing the takeout menus aside, he made his way to the door, unsure of who would be knocking at this hour.

Package delivery, Bev, nosy neighbor, all possibilities but he didn’t think Eddie was on that list. That is, until he opened the door to reveal his small boyfriend standing in the hallway, shoeless, tear streaks on his face and eyes red.

“Richie I…”

He didn’t have to say anything else before Richie was pulling him into his arms and closing the door behind them. He scooped him up and made his way to the beanbag chair, settling down with Eddie in his lap. He clung to Richie so fiercely he could hardly breathe but he didn’t care because Eddie needed him, and he’d sit there as long as it took for him to feel alright again.

“What am I going to do?” Eddie sat with his knees pulled to his chest, a cup of coffee sat on the floor beside him. His eyes were still wet though the tears had more or less stopped.

Richie was angry. He couldn’t recall a time in his life that he was this angry. How could someone treat their own child this way? Sure, he had his ups and downs with his parents, but they supported his choices for the most part. He’d found his own way, but had he been dependent on them, he couldn’t foresee them doing something like this. All Eddie wanted was to find where he belonged with a group of people he loved and who loved him. He’d found that and now she wanted to rip it away.

Even as the fire raged within him, Richie knew it wouldn’t do any good for him to be angry right now. Eddie needed help, calm rational help. Taking a sip of his own coffee to hopefully extinguish some of the flames, he finally spoke.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Eds. I wish I could have been there with you.” He was mentally kicking himself for hiding out at the café when Eddie needed him. Fearing the answer, he asked, “what is it you want to do?”

Eddie’s gaze dropped to the floor between them. “I don’t know.”

“If…if you want to break up so that nothing changes I completely-.”

“No!” Eddie’s eyes snapped back to Richie’s face as he fell forward on his knees, closing the small distance between them. “I don’t want that! That’s not an option and will never be an option!”

Richie placed a hand on his cheek, soothing his thumb over new tears that were beginning to fall. “Ok, it’s ok. I just wanted you to know that I wouldn’t stop you. I want what’s best for you.”

For the first time in his life, Eddie heard those words and actually believed them. He knew how much Richie cared for him. He could see it in his eyes whenever he looked at him. He’d pined for so long before Eddie gave him the time of day and began to find him charming rather than obnoxious, or at least a mixture of both. So, he knew that letting him go wouldn’t be an easy task but here he was, offering it up as a way to save Eddie trouble. It made his heart clench in a not entirely painful way.

“I won’t let her ruin what we have I just…I just meant that I may have to apply for some grants and financial aid, get a job, maybe go back to living in the dorms. Not…not give in to her ridiculous requests to give up the one person who makes me feel sane.” Eddie leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Richie’s shoulders and letting himself be pulled onto his lap with arms around his waist.

“Guess I kind of jumped to worst case scenario, huh?” He chuckled. “I can see if Rose and Jen will give you a job or maybe we could use more hands at the café?”

“Either would be nice, but I’ll put in applications anywhere I can. I have a little experience from summers back home when I’d work at the theater with Stan.” Eddie sighed. “I wonder if I can afford an apartment somewhere. I loath the idea of going back to the dorms. College students are disgusting.”

“Yes, we are.” Richie grinned, before adding, “Why don’t you just move in here with me?”

Eddie felt like the air had been swept from his lungs as Richie’s words tumbled down onto him. For a second, he’d wondered if he’d heard him correctly, but what else could he have possibly said?

Living together. It wasn’t a terrible idea; they’d spent many nights together since they started dating. That wasn’t quite the same though. They’d have to cram both of their belongings into Richie’s already cluttered apartment. Richie would have to get used to Eddie’s obsessive need for cleanliness all the time and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. As Eddie leaned back and looked Richie in the eyes, he looked completely serious. Not a joke then.

“Richie I…it’s only been like a month.” He reminded him, still finding it hard to catch his breath.

“I know, but you need a place to stay and…I love you.”

Eddie’s eyes grew wide in surprise. Part of him kind of knew they were headed to this point, but actually hearing it had tears springing to his eyes once more. He loved his friends, he knew his friends loved him, but no one had ever loved him like this. Not familial or platonic, but romantic love. Years of denying who he was and unable to find anyone to date followed by one-night encounters with strangers lead him to wonder if he’d ever find this with anyone. Would he ever hear someone say those three words that would have the room spinning around him? He was at a loss of words. What does one even say in a situation like this?

“You…love…really?” was all that he managed to force past his lips.

Richie grinned. “Yes, really. I would do anything for you, Eds. If you need your own space then we can look for a bigger apartment with two rooms. You can throw out all of my furniture and replace it with your own if that will make you happy. I’ll even get rid of the beanbags.”

“No, they’re growing on me. I like them.” Eddie chuckled, wiping at the tears on his cheeks.

“So…?”

“So…I…want to. I definitely want to because I love you too, Richie.” Before he could say more, Richie was pulling him in, pressing his lips hard against Eddie’s, wasting no time pushing his tongue past his lips.

Eddie sighed blissfully into the kiss, winding his arms around Richie’s neck. He didn’t care where he lived. Richie was his home. They could manage staying here or upgrade to a bigger place, though two rooms wasn’t necessary. Eddie liked sharing a bed with Richie, waking up to his face in the morning and falling asleep in his arms. Though they would definitely be getting a new mattress when they were able to. Richie’s was lumpy and had a broken spring. Maybe they could steal the one from his place before she could stop them.

All thoughts of planning for their apartment left his mind as Richie stood, taking him with him. He always felt light as a feather when Richie picked him up. Eddie tore his mouth from Richie’s as he walked back toward the bedroom, instead focusing on marking his neck. Richie grunted, his hands tightening on Eddie’s thighs as he sucked and nipped at his skin. Neither flipped the light on as they crashed down on the bed, the only light from the hallway and the string lights hung up around the ceiling.

Richie’s hands were on him all at once, pushing his shirt up to his armpits and barely giving him time to lift his arms before he was pulling it up and over his head. Then his mouth was on him, marking a trail from his ear to his navel. Eddie let out a long, trembling breath as Richie sucked a bruise above the waist of his pants while his long fingers hooked beneath them and his briefs, dragging them down to discard on the floor. It was cold in the room, but Eddie only felt a slight chill as Richie’s hands and mouth left his body feeling hot.

He knew better than to try and go too far given that the night before was Eddie’s first time, and he was likely to be sore. But as he took the head of his cock into his mouth, he hooked his fingers on his cheeks, spreading them against the mattress. Eddie’s thighs clenched on either side of Richie’s head, a raspy “fuuuuuuck” drawing out of his mouth followed by a low moan as Richie hollowed his cheeks and pressed the flat of his tongue against the underside of his cock.

Richie loved hearing Eddie’s sweet moans spilling from his lips like he’d lost all control. His muscles went rigid beneath him, his hips bucking ever so slightly, held down by Richie’s strong hand. His hands fisted in the sheets, resisting reaching for Richie’s hair and tugging on the strands. His stomach turned to water, his mind going blank filled with only Richie, Richie, Richie until he felt like he was going to melt away into nothing. Richie let go long enough to suck a finger into his mouth before taking him back in and far as he could to the back of his throat and easing the wet digit into Eddie.

Flinching, Eddie gasped, trying his best to lift his head and look down at Richie. He was so focused on making Eddie feel good, making Eddie cum, and once again Eddie felt that rush of adoration surge up within him. If he weren’t about to bust he might have grabbed him by the ears and hauled him up for a kiss. Instead, he dropped back down to his back, his head pressed against the pillows and his back arching up off the mattress. A string of “oh god, Richie, Richie, fuck” came from his lips, all the warning he could provide from his muddled brain before he was spilling onto Richie’s tongue and down his throat. Richie sucked him through each spasm until he was overly sensitive and whining.

Richie wiped his mouth on his sleeve, sitting back on his heels and taking in the disheveled mess that was his lovely boyfriend. His cheeks had bloomed into a bright shade of red, his lips wet and open panting heavily. His body was covered in a layer of sweat despite the cold of the room, his eyes unfocused. Richie hovered over top of him, a hand on either side of his head.

“Don’t suppose you’ll kiss me now, huh?” He grinned.

Eddie rolled his eyes and lifted up on his elbows, a little shaky, and captured Richie’s lips with his own. He ignored the part of his brain that told him that it was gross and dirty because he didn’t care. Honestly, he barely even tasted anything when he opened his mouth for Richie. He felt a flutter in his stomach, a pleasant ache in his heart as Richie kissed him soft and slow.

Pulling back just enough to separate their mouths, Eddie cupped Richie’s face with one hand, stroking his thumb over his cheek. “I want to try…with you…I mean…”

“Come on Eds, can’t be too hard to ask for right? We’ve already fucked, what more is there to do?” Richie chuckled, rubbing his nose against Eddie’s.

Frustrated, Eddie closed his eyes. “I want to try…a bow job. I’ve never…wanted to before and…I don’t know if I’ll be any good, but I want to try.” When he opened his eyes again, Richie was smirking in a way that made a chill go down his spine but also made him kind of want to hit him.

“I’ll never say no to you giving me a blow job my sweet Spaghetti. Just try your best.”

Eddie nodded and Richie rolled off of him, quickly undressing himself. Sitting on his knees, Eddie came to realize just how nervous he actually was. It wasn’t so much having a dick in his mouth because it was Richie and he loved him. He was more afraid of being bad at it and accidentally hurting Richie. As he leaned forward, staring down at his stiff dick, he remembered how Richie wrapped his lips over his teeth and did the same after licking his lips thoroughly.

Richie was bigger than him, thicker in the shaft and longer. He wasn’t brave enough to attempt to take him too far in this time. He focused his attention on his head, swirling his tongue over his tip whenever he drew back. With one hand, he pumped the rest of his length in time with the bobbing of his head. He was still anxious but above him Richie was rambling, his hand on Eddie’s cheek.

“Fuuuck, Eddie baby you’re so fucking beautiful on your knees like that.” His voice was rough and low, his eyes focused on Eddie. “Just like that, keep going.”

He was clumsy, unsure of himself and repetitive, but Richie didn’t care, he was so enchanted by Eddie trying so hard. Months ago, he never even thought Eddie would look his way, now he was doing his best to suck Richie off and he loved him. He loved him! The angry little man he pined over loved him so much he was stepping out of his comfort zones to make Richie feel good. It wasn’t perfect, but Richie did feel good. He felt good because it was Eddie, desperately battering the head of his cock with his tongue while his hand smeared spit and cum down his shaft.

“Shit, fuck, baby I’m gonna cum.” Richie tensed, refusing to give into the urge to close his eyes and miss even a second.

Eddie didn’t stop, determined to do the same for Richie as he’d done for him. Moments later, Richie was coming across his tongue. It was thick and made Eddie gag a bit and as he pulled off his dick it drippled from his lips. Richie, mesmerized, reached out and wiped at his lips with is thumb. Eddie swallowed the bit that remained in his mouth and wondered how Richie managed to swallow so much without gagging.

Drunk from his orgasm, Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie and pulled him down on top of his chest. He planted kisses to the top of his head, stroking his hand down his back to the curve of his ass. Eddie sighed against him, feeling content for the first time since that morning waking beside Richie. He felt sleepy and wanted to sleep there in Richie’s arms, but he knew it wouldn’t end well if she woke in the morning and found an empty couch.

“I want to stay here.” He said quietly against Richie’s chest. “Forever. Don’t want to go back.”

“Then stay. Stay with me.”

After basking in the afterglow, repeating sweet words to each other, kissing until he lips felt swollen, Eddie finally tore himself away and dressed. Richie followed him to the door clad in only briefs, pressing one last breath stealing kiss to his lips before letting him return down the hall. After he disappeared behind the closed door, Richie close his own and leaned against the cold wood, typing out a text in their group chat.

Sonia woke Monday morning in her son’s bed. He’d been nice enough to change the sheets for her the night before. She wouldn’t have complained but then again, she didn’t know what had transpired on the previous sheets the night before. Had she known, she would have likely taken the entire mattress out back and burned it in the alleyway. Eddie had made up an excuse about her deserving fresh, clean sheets to sleep on. She didn’t fight him on it.

It was 9am. Eddie could be heard moving around somewhere down the hall. Muffled voices drifted through the door. The TV or maybe the radio. She remembered Eddie liked to listen to music when he did homework as a teenager. Though she tried to discourage it, telling him it was a distraction from his studies.

Normally when she came for a visit, she’d smell breakfast already cooking when she got up. As she slipped into her slippers and threw on her robe, there were so smells of eggs, bacon and toast in the room. Odd. Perhaps Eddie wanted to take her out for breakfast again.

When she opened the door, before she could step out into the hallway, someone rushed from the bathroom, a box in their hands. She watched them head into the living room and disappear when they turned. She didn’t see their face; wasn’t sure she knew who it was. Surely a burglar wouldn’t steal toiletries. However, if it was a thief, what of her son who slept on the couch?

She steeled herself, and stomped down the hall, letting whoever was in the apartment know that she was coming. The living room was full of the people Eddie called his friends. They were putting things into boxes, some carrying them out into the hall. Eddie wasn’t there. They each looked at her but didn’t greet her or acknowledge that they saw her.

A clink in the kitchen had her heading that way. Eddie was near the pantry, pulling out boxes and bags and putting them into a box on the floor. That obnoxious boy with the glasses was wrapping coffee mugs in kitchen towels and putting them in another small box. He looked up when he saw her, his eyes growing slightly wide.

“Uh…hey Eds.” He called.

Eddie poked his head out from behind the pantry door and when he saw his mother standing there he merely turned back to Richie and shrugged.

“Leave the plates and bowels. The drinking glasses are mine though.” He instructed, lifting the full box of food onto the counter and folding down the top.

“Eddie, what on Earth is going on?” Sonia demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’m packing.” He didn’t even look at her.

“Packing? For what?”

“You told me to break up with Richie or you’d stop supporting me. So, I’m moving in with Richie.”

Sonia’s mouth fell open, then closed, then back open much like a fish out of water gasping for breath. Eddie ignored her. It was killing him not to look at her face to see how she was reacting. His heart was beating so fast and he was barely able to control the shaking of his hands. He couldn’t break. Wouldn’t let her know he was still afraid of her, of what she might do. He wasn’t the little boy who might be kept home “sick” from school for a week because he was playing tag on the playground and came home with a scraped knee. He was an adult. A fairly new adult, still figuring things out on his own and making mistakes, but old enough to not be under her control anymore.

Richie, on the other hand, was watching her every move. Daring her to do anything that might hurt Eddie. After another moment of staring with her mouth hanging open, she finally turned on her heel and marched back down the hallway. Eddie let out a little shaky breath, looking to Richie for silent support.

He wasn’t sure what she would do, but a few ideas had run through his head the night before. Taking everything from the boxes and breaking it, calling the police to say she was being robbed or he was being kidnapped, or going completely out of her mind and attacking Richie. Not saying anything and going back to the room was not one he’d planned for. He peeked into the living room at the others. The front door was open, Ben and Mike were out in the hall, boxes in their hands, waiting. Bill, Bev and Stan were in the living room. She was folding a blanket to carry down the hall, Stan was sat in front of the TV, loading DVDs and books into a box. Bill was at the hall closet, an arm full of coats and jackets. They were all looking at Eddie, waiting to see how he would react. Whether or not things were about to get bad. He shrugged and shook his head, indicating he didn’t know what was happening.

Distant thumps could be heard from behind his closed bedroom door. Maybe she was breaking things after all. He didn’t care. Everything he had could be replaced. He just wanted whatever was going to happen to happen so he could be free. Maybe she’d beg. He would say no though. Maybe not a no to seeing her again, but no to staying under her thumb. She might say she was wrong, and he can keep seeing Richie, but he knew better. She’d change her mind later; decide he couldn’t be with him and she would threaten it all over.

How many times in his life had she done the same thing? Giving him false hope just to snag what he wanted out of his reach again. Like the time in eighth grade when the entire grade went to an amusement park before middle school graduation. He’d begged her to let him go, promised to stay off the rides and just play games. She took the permission slip and said she’d think about it, discussed it with him at dinner every night the week leading up and then the day the permission slip was due, told him it was too dangerous and he couldn’t go. She’d known all along she was going to say no but let him believe he had a chance of having fun with the rest of his class anyway. He’d been so upset he’d spent lunch that day hiding in the dugout on the field with Stan and Ben, crying. They’d brought him a t-shirt and some fried food they’d smuggled on the bus. It just wasn’t the same though.

Eddie jumped when the door to his bedroom slammed open, smacking against the wall. Richie abandoned the box he’d been packing and stood in front of Eddie, just in case. Ben and Mike cleared the doorway, joining the others in the living room. A second later, out came Sonia with her bag, angrily putting on her jacket. She looked into the kitchen at Eddie, flames alight in her eyes.

“You think they care about you now, but just you wait. They’ll turn on you and cast you aside. They’ll take everything they can from you until you’re broken and alone and then who will you crawl back to? Me.” She was practically spitting, her hair a mess and getting worse with each jerky movement she made. “No one will ever love you as much as I do, Eddie. No one.”

With that, she turned and stomped to the front door, kicking a box out of her way and disappearing into the hallway. They all stood silent, waiting a heartbeat until they heard the elevator ding. The doors opened and then closed, followed by silence. Ben peeked out into the hall to be sure she was gone.

“Coast is clear.” He smiled.

Everyone visibly deflated and let out a collective sigh. Eddie was a bit in disbelief that it had been so easy. He knew she wouldn’t give up too easily and would most definitely call him every hour for the next few months, but she’d left without much of a fight. He brushed past Richie and headed toward his bedroom to assess any damage. Surprisingly, nothing was broken or missing. The bed was disheveled from sleep and her hastily putting her things together but that was all.

Richie appeared beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You ok?”

Eddie sighed. “Yea. I’m good. Just kind of…shocked. She didn’t even try to force me to go with her.”

“I mean…it was seven against one. She probably figured the odds of success were against her.”

“She’ll just wait until I’m alone then, throw a bag over my head and force me into the car.” Eddie was only half joking. She was more likely to use chloroform.

Richie’s face would have been comical if tension hadn’t been so high just moments before. “Alright, so what you’re saying is, we can’t leave you alone for even a second.”

“What are you going to do, surround me like the secret service?” Eddie grinned, then upon seeing Richie’s own smile, immediately followed with, “no, no. That was a joke. Do not do that.”

“Sorry Eds, but you know you shouldn’t put these ideas into my head. Whatever happens now is out of my hands.”

Eddie was ready to pummel him when Mike appeared at the end of the hall. “Hey, we’ve got everything you said from the living room, closet and bathroom packed up. Should we just run it down the hall?”

“Yea, thanks Mikey.” Richie said, handing him his apartment keys from his pocket. “Just start piling things up in the living room.”

“Got it.” Mike took the keys and a second later his voice was heard in the living room telling the others what to do.

Richie turned back to Eddie. “Wanna start on the bedroom now?”

Eddie looked back into his room. “Yea, but…are you sure there’s room for me? I don’t want to impose.”

“There is more than enough room for you. Besides, I’ve been meaning to go through and get rid of some things. They can complete their life cycle with me, back at the thrift shop for the next broke guy with no taste.” He grinned when Eddie laughed. “If it gets too cramped we can start looking for a bigger place, ok?”

“Ok.”

Eddie looked toward the living room, his smile falling away and his eyebrows furrowing together. “What are you thinking?” Richie asked, reaching out to smooth the line between his eyebrows with his thumb.

“I’m wondering if she’ll notice if we steal the couch.” Eddie said, looking back to Richie.

Richie put a hand to his chest, mouth falling open in mock offence. “Are you saying that you’re too good for my beanbags now? I thought you liked them.”

“I do, the beanbags stay, I’m saying I want something to sit on sometimes that doesn’t hold onto my ass and refuse to let go.”

“Now you’re too good for my lap too?”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but the smile was too obvious to hide. “Shut up and help me pack, asshole.”

Several hours later when everything was safely down the hall in Richie’s apartment, Eddie did one more walk through to make sure they didn’t forget anything. They treated their friends to pizza and beer before seeing them off for the night. Eddie flopped down on one of the beanbags feeling drained. It had taken longer than he’d expected to get everything together. Richie was insistent on getting rid of a bunch of his stuff, a plan for the following weekend when they’d both have free time again. They both had a week of classes, work and job hunting ahead of them.

Eddie dragged one of the beanbags over next to Eddie and sat, handing him a newly opened bottle of beer. He mumbled a thanks as he took it. It didn’t feel real yet. He’d spent nights at Richie’s before and that’s all this felt like. Another night at his boyfriend’s place…surrounded by boxes of his belongings. Belongings that would have to stay in boxes until they could find space for everything. Perishable foods were the only things to be put away before exhaustion took over.

“How are you feeling?” Richie asked, grateful for their friends but also glad to finally have a moment of peace with just Eddie.

“Tired, anxious. I don’t want to go to class tomorrow. I’ve never skipped it but…I don’t know, maybe I need a day.” He sighed.

“So, take a day. The last two days have been stressful. If you need a day to sleep and recover mentally then take it. Unfortunately, I can’t blow off work, but I’ll skip my class too and come home. Maybe bring lunch and some coffee?”

“Well, I’ll feel bad if I’m the reason you skip but that does sound nice.” Eddie said, leaning over and resting his head against Richie’s shoulder. Richie’s arm came up around his back, landing softly on top of Eddie’s head and slowly stroking down to his neck. “Bring me some baked goods too?” He asked.

“Absolutely. We’ve got way more than we could ever sell right now so I’ll bring home a bucket full. We can sit on the beanbags, watch dumb movies and get fat all afternoon and evening.”

“Sounds perfect.” Eddie hummed.

After they finished off their drinks they cleaned up the remaining mess from dinner and collapsed into bed, shucking off jeans in the process. They’d ended up deciding the steal the mattress after all. Ben had helped Richie switch them out, carrying the old one down to the dumpster. Eddie didn’t even mind Richie’s mismatched sheets because it smelled of him, though having the real thing next to him was so much better. With the lights flipped off, the only noise from the busy street beyond the window and Penny moving about her home, things were peaceful. Richie wrapped Eddie up in his arms, pulling the blanket up over their shoulders to prevent the cold from seeping in and they slept.

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #It (2017)#it (2019)#Ro writes

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katefiction · 4 years

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Cora, Chapter 6: Long Live

by katefiction (Maria) / 2013

March 2164

Ben is pacing the room, his feet burning a hole in the carpet.

‘What if they hate me?’, he asks.

‘They won’t’, I laugh, trying to catch his hand as he walks past the bed.

It was seldom that I saw him nervous.

‘Look’, I say, ‘Dad is bound to grill you, and Mum generally dislikes most people, but they will love you’

My parents were about to meet Ben for the first time. In an unusual response to the ‘crisis’ that was my relationship being exposed, they had joined forces for the first time in years. It was Mum’s idea, I knew. I rarely saw her, and firmly took Dad’s side after the divorce, but Mum had never stopped trying to get me to visit or to be involved in my life. Despite that, we still didn’t have the usual mother-daughter relationship, and I never told her anything that I wouldn’t tell Maggie.

Ben bites the nail on his little finger aggressively, ‘I suppose we should get down there’.

We enter the dining room at Dad’s apartment in Clarence House, where lunch is laid out on the table. He was yet to move into Buckingham Palace officially. Mum and Dad are already there, sitting on the top ends of the table and staring in opposite directions to avoid making eye contact with each other.

‘Afternoon’, I say overly cheerfully.

Maybe I’m a little nervous too.

Dad gets up immediately, followed by Mum, and exchanges kisses with me.

‘Your Majesty’, Ben says, giving him a short bow, like I’d taught him.

‘Nice to finally meet you’, Dad says, extending his hand.

I hoped he would’ve said ‘call me Arthur!’, but maybe that was asking for two much after I’d lied to him for six months.

Mum glides up to Ben, her tall thin frame, and hair scraped into a bun, make her much more intimidating than Dad.

‘Good afternoon Ma’am’, Ben says, taking her hand.

‘Caroline, please’, she says surprising me. ‘Shall we eat?’

As we settle down to lunch, I am taken back with how well Ben gets on with Mum as they discuss the state of British sport. Dad on the other hand, is a different matter.

‘So, are you serious about my daughter?’ he says suddenly as Ben is tucking into a ploughman’s sandwich.

Ben coughs uncontrollably.

‘Dad!’

‘What’, he says holding his hands up, ‘you’ve been sneaking around for months, of course I’m going to ask that’

‘We haven’t been sneaking around’, I say indignantly, ‘we were just keeping it quiet until we we’re ready’

‘Why do you need to keep it quiet from me?!’ he blasts. I know underneath he is just hurt, but I can’t stop myself.

‘Because…because…’

Ben glances over to me, recovered from his choking fit and obviously waiting for an answer just as much as Dad is.

Why was I so reluctant to tell Dad about Ben?

‘I believe Cora’s reasoning was that yourself and the King…the late King, I mean, would want a formal meeting, and Cora believed a meeting like that would get out’, Ben says loyally.

‘Is that right Cora?’

‘Yes’

Dad shifts his gaze back to Ben, ‘and what did you think of this idea?’

It’s a test, and Ben knows it. Agree with me and be in Dad’s bad books, or agree with him and be in mine. I watch the cogs turning in his mind.

‘Honestly Sir, I care about your daughter very much…’

I feel myself turn red.

‘…and I would’ve liked to be more honest about it.’

It feels like the air has been sucked out of the room, with everyone waiting for Dad’s response. Even Mum, usually so unaffected, looks on the edge of her seat.

Dad nods. That’s all, just a simple nod of approval.

Nice save.

‘There’s not much we can do about it now’, Mum says sharply, ‘no point in arguing’

I agree. I don’t want to argue with Dad about it anymore. He’d been frosty with me since he found out and now, two weeks later, he’d thawed a little.

Things between Ben and I had suffered too. He had seemingly forgiven me after I left his flat on that February day, and we’d even gone to the cinema and dinner in public. But I was still reluctant to do any more than that, and the holiday we’d discussed was still out of the question.

By the end of the lunch, Ben and my parents are making jokes about my stubbornness, which I take as a positive sign.

‘We were playing backgammon, and she just refused to believe she’d lost!’ Ben recalls as Dad and Mum walk us out.

‘I didn’t lose!’ I say, hitting Ben on the chest.

‘You did Cora’, he looks down at me in that way he does when he wants a reaction.

‘Stop trying to wind me up’

‘It doesn’t take much’, he strokes a hand down my back.

I see Mum watching us approvingly and as she kisses me goodbye, she mutters, ‘he’s lovely’.

***

June

Spring is in the air and Buckingham Palace is a wash of business. The staff bustles around the place like bees, speaking in low whispers and hurried tones.

‘Ow!’, I yelp as my seamstress pricks me with another needle.

‘Sorry Ma’am’, she says apologetically.

‘Don’t worry’, I say rubbing my hip where the pin got me.

Standing on a small platform, I try my best to stay still as she makes the final alterations to the dress I will be wearing at my father’s coronation in a couple of days.

Annie and Jenny watch as the seamstress fits the fabric around my waist. It’s the most extravagant dress I’ve ever worn. In gold fabric, with intricate beading all over the front, it cascades to the ground, making me look like a true princess.

‘You look so gorgeous’, Jenny says as if hypnotized by the sparkling beads.

‘Thank you’, I say, rather embarrassed.

‘It’s fucking amazing’, Annie says brashly, prompting a scowl from me.

She pokes her tongue out in retaliation.

‘Can you take a picture and send it to Ben?’ I ask.

Annie points her phone at me and I pose with my hand on my hip.

I want to keep Ben in the loop. What with the coronation preparations and him training for Wimbledon, we were having to catch every moment we could together. It wasn’t easy.

‘He says “you look beautiful”, urgh pass me the sick bucket’, Annie says throwing her phone on the couch.

The butterflies in my stomach threaten to escape.

‘You’re in love’, Jenny purrs as the seamstress leaves the room.

I blush fiercely, ‘shut up Jen, you wanted me to be with Nick, remember?!’

‘That was last year’

‘You said we were perfect together’, I remind her.

‘Well Nicholas doesn’t put that goonish look on your face, so I change my mind!’

‘Do you love him?’ Annie asks, not bothering with any tact.

I suddenly become very interested in a loose bead on my dress.

‘I think she’s ignoring us’, Jenny says to Annie.

‘I think she’s busy thinking about the dirty summer she’s gonna have with him when all of this is over’, she teases.

‘Stop it!’, I exclaim, giving in to their teasing.

It was true, I was looking forward to this summer. The coronation and Wimbledon would be over and Ben and I were going to celebrate our one year anniversary. We planned to make up for all this lost time, but that didn’t mean the whole world had to know about it.

The fitting over, I’m hurried into a rare meeting with Dad. It was the only time he had to spare with me before his big day in a couple of days.

I sit at his desk opposite him, feeling like I’m in a job interview of some sort.

‘Dress fitting go ok?’ he says, rifling through some papers.

‘Good, I’ll scrub up well for you on the day Daddy’, I smile, my mind still half on Ben.

‘Right, we need to talk about what happens next’

‘What happens next?’

Why do I feel like I’m not going to like this?

‘After the coronation Cora, keep up’

‘What’s happening after the coronation?’, I furrow my brow.

We hadn’t really discussed much about my future only that Dad told me to get back to normal.

‘This summer, I will be creating you as the Princess of Wales, you investiture will happen in the autumn sometime, and you will be undertaking a tour of Australia not long after’

The barrage of information hits me all at once.

‘I don’t want that’, I say, unable to think of how to protest. ‘I have plans this summer’, I add dumbly.

‘With Ben I suppose?’, Dad asks, clearly unimpressed.

‘Yes’, I say at almost a whisper.

‘You’ll have plenty of time to spend with him’, he says dismissively.

‘Not with work, and now this I won’t!’

‘You won’t need to worry about work’, he said it so plainly as if that will stop the volcano that’s about to erupt.

‘Daddy, don’t say it…’

‘Your work on the estates will be terminated this summer, I know you enjoy it, but you have bigger responsibilities now’, he looks at me, knowing how I’m going to react.

‘I’ve worked hard for that job! I won’t just give it up now’

‘You have to’, he says less patiently, ‘Princess of Wales is a full time job’

I see all my plans crashing down around me. I’d truly believed I’d have a year at least to enjoy my life before full time duties. Time to spend as a normal twenty-something. Time with Ben.

‘Why are you doing this to me?’, I try to hold back the tears.

‘Cora, I can’t pick up all of your grandfather’s work, and keep up with my own, you need to step up now’, he rubs his temples.

‘I don’t want to’

The room is silent for a split second, until Dad erupts, standing from his chair in anger.

‘AND YOU THINK I DO?! DO YOU THINK I THOUGHT I’D BE KING ALREADY!? I HAD PLANS TOO CORA, TEN YEARS OF THEM, ALL DASHED IN A DAY’

He begins to breathe heavily, clearly out of breath.

‘Im sor-’, I begin to say.

‘You need to grow up, you are not a child’, he points his shaking hand at me. ‘You want to gallivant around the world with this man, and you have no consideration of what your actions mean for the rest of the family’

‘Dadd-’

‘It’s time you put this family first, instead of yourself for once’

‘I’m sorry’, I manage to get the words out this time.

Dad softens at the sight of me becoming tearful. He walks around the table and sits on the edge.

‘It has been hard for all of us’, he says, calmer now, ‘I know you didn’t expect to be in this position at twenty-six, but it’s your duty’

I nod weakly. I wish it wasn’t.

‘Every time there is a new monarch, the Republicans’ cause gains support’, he explains. ‘Granddad was very popular, I need to make sure that I am taken seriously as King, and part of that is my daughter being taken seriously too’

He takes my face in his hand. I know he is trying to tell me that I need my reputation to be of a hard working princess, not a tabloid queen.

‘I don’t want to give Ben up’, I say, honest with him for the first time about my relationship.

‘You don’t have to sweetheart, just understand what kind of attention you are getting by being with him’

Dad had been there for me through everything. Despite the plentiful lectures over the years, he’d never given up on me. I couldn’t let him down now.

‘OK’, I say.

This summer will have to wait.

Coronation Day

Ben had been understanding about the situation. Disappointed, of course, but understanding. We hadn’t had a chance to meet after he’d got through to the Wimbledon final, which was to take place two days after the coronation, but we planned to meet that Sunday.

I chat to him over the phone as my dresser fixes the tiara to my head. It seems slightly ridiculous to be holding a mobile phone while dressed in this elaborate gown and tiara.

‘Are you nervous?’, he asks.

‘Terrified’, I admit.

‘You’ll be fine’

‘I hope so, I’ll just have to think about seeing you on Sunday to make me feel better, though that seems ages away right now’

‘Maybe next time I’ll get an invite’, he teases.

Next time you might be there with me.

‘Maybe, if you behave’

‘I can’t promise anything’

Maggie pops her head around the door, a sign that we need to get going.

‘Look, I’ve got to go; I’ll call you later if I get the chance’

‘Alright, good luck…oh and Cora’

‘Yes?’

‘Don’t trip’.

The glory of the coronation of King Arthur is all you would expect it to be. In contrast to the darkness of the funeral, London is practically glowing in red, white, blue and gold. Flags and plastic crowns bob up and down in the sea of people.

The King’s guards line the street and trumpeters signal the grandeur of the occasion as our family arrives at Westminster Abbey.

I step out of my carriage to a wall of flashing lights. My dress is so heavy that it forces me to walk slowly and in time with the music. I keep my eyes focussed to the front. Don’t trip. Don’t trip.

My mantra does its job and I am seated up on the balcony with my grandmother and cousins as Dad takes centre stage. The huge robe engulfs him as he is walked towards the Coronation Chair, the cheers of thousands of people echoing through the abbey.

Down amongst the eight thousand guests packed inside the abbey, I see Nicholas, Jonathan and their parents seated in the middle of a section to the left of Dad. Nicholas is looking up at me. He catches my eye and I give him a little smile and nod in return. Also in the abbey is Mum. She stares straight ahead with a blank expression on her face and I wonder if she is thinking about what this moment would be like if she was still the Princess of Wales.

After three hours of prayers, hymns and pageantry, Dad is finally crowned. The Imperial State Crown is placed on his head, and he is handed the golden orb and sceptre. The traditional image of the crowned monarch is complete.

London is happier than I have ever seen as we process back to the palace and my arm begins to ache from the constant waving. It’s the least I can do for people who have slept on the streets overnight for this. I can’t help but think about my wedding one day. Will the country be as happy then? As much as I hate the thought of saying my vows in front of millions of people, I begin to realise how much it means to share it. As for Dad, he needn’t have worried, the people love him.

‘Did the crown nearly break your neck?’ I whisper to him as we tuck into the feast that evening.

Dad chuckles, ‘I thought it might not fit on my fat head’

I giggle under my breath. When I was younger, Dad always used to make me laugh on these big occasions to take the pressure off. Now I was doing the same for him.

‘Did they use washing up liquid to get it off?’ I tease.

‘Ye-’, he stops mid-sentence to greet the Ambassador of Japan.

Turning back to me, he says ‘I’m sorry none of your friends could be invited’

Sometimes Dad still thought I was a six year old that couldn’t sit still for an hour.

‘It’s fine Dad…and besides Nicholas is here if I need a break for ten minutes’

‘Ah yes, Nicholas’, he says cheekily.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Don’t think I can’t see him looking at you…he’s a nice boy…’, he whispers.

‘And I’m with Ben’, I mutter back.

Our conversation is interrupted by Maggie, who slips in subtly by my side, ‘Ma’am, may I borrow you’

I look to Dad for approval.

‘Go, go, but don’t be too long’

I scurry out of the room with her and travel along the long passages of the palace until we’re out of earshot.

‘What’s the problem?’, I ask.

‘No problem Ma’am’

She is looking particularly glamorous today, dolled up in a designer dress, but still holding a walkie talkie in her clutch.

‘This way…’, we round a corner, ending up in a dark, secluded area of the palace.

At the bottom a set of grand stairs stands Ben.

‘What are you doing here?!’, I squeal.

‘Shhh’, Ben and Maggie say together.

‘I’ll leave you to it’, Maggie adds.

As soon as she’s gone, I hurtle up to him and he pulls me in.

‘I thought I’d see how you’re doing’, he smiles.

‘But how did you get in’, I say, practically crushing his body with mine.

‘Connections’, he winks.

At this point, I don’t particularly care how he got here. I push my lips against his and he responds immediately, kissing me fiercely and making my knees wobble.

‘You look incredible’, he holds me by the waist and surveys me in my dress.

‘I look ridiculous’, I say.

‘Stop talking shit’, he buries his head in my neck and runs his hands down my back.

I swear if we were alone…

‘I’m so glad I don’t have to wait until Sunday to see you’

‘Don’t talk about Sunday’, he grumbles.

‘You’ll be amazing, I know it’, I say, running my fingers through his hair.

‘At least you’ll be there as my lucky charm’, he sighs.

‘From home I will…’

He backs away, ‘what do you mean? You are going to be on court aren’t you?’

I laugh uncertainly, ‘The royal box is fully booked, I’m sure’

‘You wouldn’t be in there; I’ve got a space for you in my player’s box’

I suddenly feel very hot. I had met Ben’s parents and had gotten on with them swimmingly, but this was practically a declaration of our relationship to the world.

‘Ben, you didn’t even ask me’, I try to say it softly.

‘I didn’t think I had to, how many times have we talked about me making the final and you being there?’

‘Things have changed, we need to keep a low profile’, I plead.

‘So you won’t even come and stay in the back out of sight?’, he pulls completely away from me.

‘I can’t, if anyone saw me…’, I try to hold his hand but he snatches it away.

‘This is fucking ridiculous, everyone knows anyway’, he growls.

‘We agreed that we’d see each other after the match’

He is being ridiculous.

‘Yes, after the match which you were supposed to be at’, he is struggling to keep his voice down. ‘Sometimes I wonder if you’re even serious about this’

‘Of course I am!’

‘So it’s ok for me to come here and support you, but you can’t do the same?’

‘I want to be there, please try and understand…’

‘I have tried. For months. I let it go when you ran out of the flat, I’ve let our holiday go, and now this’. He turns away from me. ‘How long is it going to be like this? Another year, two years?’

‘I don’t know’, my voice begins to shake.

His tone lowers once more, ‘if you’re not in a place where you’re happy to admit we’re together, then maybe we should stop this now’

‘It’s not easy for me! These things are complicated’

‘I’m not asking you to marry me Cora…I’m asking you acknowledge me!’

‘I do!’

‘Then come to the match’

We stand opposite each other like we’re in a stand-off. The silence is deafening.

Eventually, I have to speak, ‘I can’t, you know I can’t. Please don’t ask me to go against what my family needs right now’

‘You mean you won’t’

My anger starts to rise. If only he realised how much I really care for him.

‘Please don’t do this’. A chill in the air seems to tell me what’s coming.

‘I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want half a girlfriend. I should be preparing for the match right now, Rob would have my bollocks if he knew I was here, but I wanted to be – for you’

Tell him Cora, just tell him.

My anger takes over. ‘And I want to be there for you, stop making out like I don’t!’

Ben shakes his head, ‘I’ve tried to understand Cora, but I can’t. Keeping it to ourselves is one thing, denying my existence is another’

‘I just want to protect you, to protect us’

‘I don’t need protecting. I was willing to work around your life. But since your Granddad died, it’s like you want to push your life with me and your real life further apart. I want all of you Cora, but you don’t want to give it to me’

‘Don’t go’, I say pathetically.

‘Why not?’

The words don’t come out, they are lodged in my throat.

He’s right. Things haven’t been the same.

He turns around and walks towards a back door without saying another word.

‘Because I love you’, I say as the door shuts behind him.

#royal fanfiction #katefiction

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jupitermelichios · 4 years

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Reasons I want to pick up Gotham and drop it right into the middle of the Marvel 616 Universe (even though I’ve never managed to make a fic with that premise actually work);

- Bruce and Tony have been friends forever, and the fact that they’re both pretty bad at this whole being friends thing hasn’t stopped them yet.

- Jen Walters thinks both Bruces are great (if deeply messed up) people, and keeps inviting them both to social events. They’ve been pretending they don’t hate another for a decade at this point, and they both care about Jen enough that they’re not planning on stopping any time soon. They spend any social engagements they both attend asking hurtful questions barely disguised as small talk, and have come worryingly close to throwing actual punches more than once, and Patsy has made it her job to run interference so Jen never finds out about this.

- Janet is so completely unlike all Kate’s other friends that she’s not sure exactly why they are friends. She’s straight, and perky, and the fact that she’s the only person who knows how to design an evening gown to Kate’s very specific tastes shouldn’t be enough to form a solid friendship on. But despite that, Janet is the one who buys Kate ice-cream and vodka after her and Rene split up, and Kate is the one who ices Janet’s black eye when Hank snaps.

- Selina says Felicia is a copycat. Felicia says Selina is yesterday’s model. They meet up once a week for mimosas so they can tell one another in person.

- Dick and Spider-Man meet when they’re both way too young to be superheroing, decide that they’re going to be best friends, and never change their minds about that. Peter knows there’s nothing he can’t tell Dick, and when Dick gets too far into his own head, Peter takes him to New York and they backflip off buildings until he stops feeling like he can’t breathe.

- Kitty Pryde and Dick should never be allowed near glitter or sequins, especially not together. They average a costume a week each for the first two years of Nightwing’s career, and they don’t give a damn what anyone else says about wing collars and balloon sleeve because damnit they look fabulous.

- It takes a lot to shock Charles, but entirely human Barbara Gordon turning up on the mansion doorstep with a backpack of clothes hanging from the handles of her chair and asking for a job comes pretty close. He makes her their IT admin, because Danger has enough to do and God knows Hank can’t be trusted with it, and when she goes back to Gotham a year later they’re all sad to see her go.

- Barbara didn’t set out to found a team, but Laura Kinney obviously needed something to do with her time that wasn’t getting recruited onto yet another X-Men black-ops team, and no one else ever seems to know what to do with Magik, and Black Widow is just damn good at what she does, and honestly any excuse to hang out with Dazzler is a winner, and next thing she knows they’re a team, and something like a family as well.

- Robin II and Speedball vs Red Hood and Penance, a love story in three acts (and one death)

- Teddy is absolutely convinced Billy fancies Tim. Billy is convinced Teddy fancies Tim. Tim is convinced no one will or should ever love him, but by God he’s going to get these two idiots to go on a date if it kills him. (And if he’s a little bit on love with both of them, well that’s his secret).

- Tim definitely isn’t moonlighting as a sidekick, he’s only just managed to stop being a sidekick, but once you get past all the deeply weird, Moon Knight is a pretty great guy and a half decent detective, and Tim’s really on board with that whole ‘protecting the travellers by night’ thing. Plus the all-white costume he’s designed for himself looks pretty sweet.

- Steph has more than enough superheroes in her life, thank you very much, but honestly the amount the Storm-Richards are offering just for babysitting it’s got to be worth it. (Turns out Gotham-shock-proof is exactly what’s needed, and Franklin and Valeria adore her, and she adores Sue and Ben, and once she’s punched Johnny out for hitting on her they actually manage to be pretty good friends. She thinks Reed is a dick, but so does everyone else in the Baxter building so that’s okay).

- Bruce has no idea what to do with Cass, but he knows some people who might. There are plenty of Avengers who know a thing or two about teaching a kid raised as a weapon how to be a person. Natasha teaches her to set boundaries, and Echo teaches her to communicate, and Spider-Woman teaches her to have fun, and all of them attend all her ballet recitals.

- Kain has no idea why Batgirl likes him, but it’s not like he’s complaining. Cass has no idea why Kain keeps insisting he’s a terrible person, but as long as he keeps being a good guy she’s going to keep being his friend. (Aracely thinks they’re both unspeakably wonderful and makes them all friendship bracelets).

- Damian is not friends with Molly Hayes, okay? He isn’t. He’s definitely not. He’s just wearing his half of their best friends necklace and agonising over what to get her for her birthday because she’s got super strength and it would be tactically unwise to upset her. Definitely.

- Just because Luke hasn’t yet managed to persuade Riri that they should get married and have beautiful super-genius children, doesn’t mean he won’t.

- Harper’s not really much for leaving Gotham, but she has to admit this whole social justice global movement thing Viv Vision and Ultimate Spider-Man have going on is pretty cool, and after all if she doesn’t join up, who else is going to represent the unique clusterfuck of problems that is Gotham city?

- Duke isn’t really sure about this whole NuHuman thing. The Inhumans have a lot of drama going on, and also they’re an absolute monarchy which he’s really not on board with, but his DNA and Gotham’s ever-present Terrigen Fog doesn’t give him much choice in the matter. He visits New Attilan periodically for training on how to use his powers, and he gets on pretty well with Flint, and Ms Marvel is awesome, but for the most part he’s content to stay way the well out of their weird-ass politics.

- Look, Terry heard the words ‘Batman can’t be on the Guardians of the Galaxy’ and just sort of reacted on instinct. It’s not his fault he’s bad at resisting challenges.

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glitterslag · 5 years

Text

Paris, Mon Amour - A Booty Call spinoff/Part 3

Back by popular demand. And because Paris Ben needed his own blurb.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: language, some smut, lil bit of angst and a rogue dick-pic

Summary: You’re trying not to miss Ben, but it’s hard when there are pictures of him everywhere you look. Even your house-mate can’t shut up about him.

A/N: This was originally a spin-off blurb set in the Booty Call AU, but can either be read as a standalone or as a Part 3 of the main fic. LOTS of people have requested this over the weeks (super sorry it’s taken me so long to finally finish) so I’d love it if just as many people RB and comment! Enjoy x

P.S. my tag lists are a holy show at the moment so if you were/weren’t tagged and you did/didn’t want to be - SORRY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Have you seen those pictures of Ben at the Oscars?”

You were kneeling on the kitchen tiles, up to your elbows in the bottom freezer drawer, hunting for a tub of ice cream. Jen’s voice floated down the hallway from where she stood at her bedroom mirror, taking off the last of her makeup.

Jen was one of those people who always kept her bedroom door open.

“The ones with Joe and Gwil?” You called back, smiling faintly.

You had post notifications on for all of your friends, Joe and Gwilym included. You had, of course, seen their instagram stories from the Oscars.

“No, no. The ones with the girl.” Jen said as she wandered through into the kitchen, towel on her head and her body wrapped in her fluffy purple dressing gown.

“Lucy?” You wondered, spoon in your mouth as you used both hands to rummage for the tub of mint choc chip.

“No, the beautiful blonde, the skinny one.”

“Lucy’s the blonde.”

You were starting to get a bit irritable now, fingers stinging with the cold of the freezer. Where was the bloody ice cream?

“No, not Lucy, another one - gorgeous. A model maybe?”

“I think you mean his stylist.” You said bluntly. “Iliara?”

“Noo no, not his stylist, the stunning blonde-“

“I GET IT SHE’S BEAUTIFUL!” You yelled, slamming the freezer door shut with a heavy thud.

Jen faked hurt.

“Well there’s no need to get so snappy with me. I was just saying.”

You honestly hated her, sometimes.

In truth, you did wonder about what Ben was getting up to every night at these glamorous parties, even though you knew you had absolutely no right to. You couldn’t help it. He wasn’t your boyfriend – far from it - you had only slept together a handful of times by now. And Jen knew that. You tried hard to just to be happy for Ben, and not think too much about him rubbing shoulders with all these beautiful women. But it wasn’t easy when she seemed to have this perfect knack for rubbing things in.

All the boys had said that they wished you could come tonight, but unfortunately not. Apart from Rami, they were only seated in the viewing gallery themselves, and none of them got to bring a plus one. Only having been an apprentice, there was no chance someone with your position would get invited to the ceremony.

You got texts and snapchats from the boys though, all night, making less and less sense as they steadily get drunker and you found yourself staying up way past bedtime to open their messages, despite having a lecture at 9am.

“Wish you were here to help me tie my tie. Keeps coming undone :/” read a particularly sweet one you received from Ben at about one in the morning, and it somehow calmed all of the fears you’d had before.

~~~

“Have you seen those pictures of Ben in Paris?” Came Jen’s disembodied voice almost the second you walked through the door, and you nearly jumped out of your skin.

“What are you, stalking him?” You said bitterly, ripping off your bike helmet and flinging it down onto the sofa.

Jen eyed you from the kitchen counter knowingly.

“Long day, was it?”

You shed your coat, scarf, gloves, hat, shoes, each one coming to join your helmet with more velocity than the last.

“Mm.” You muttered under your breath, stalking over with your arms folded to flick the kettle on. “Remind me again why I started back at this fucking uni..?”

~~~

You had seen the pictures.

Ben had flown to Paris for fashion week that morning, and by the time you sat down to have lunch at uni he was all over your Instagram feed looking like he’d barely slept. There were pictures of him with models. Sat on the front row of some Yves Saint Laurent show sandwiched in between them. The butterflies in your belly had started up again.

You hated yourself for being like this. Insecure was so not attractive. And you were never like that with boys. It’s just that other boys usually weren’t Ben fucking Hardy.

He didn’t look very happy. He hadn’t shaved, and there were dark circles under his eyes. You couldn’t help but feel a twang of concern. You wrestled with yourself for an hour or so before shooting him a little text, enquiring after his wellbeing.

He didn’t get back to you until midnight.

“Just got back to my hotel room. Exhausted.”

“No offence, but you look it.”

Ben had gone straight from the Oscars afterparty to the airport for a twelve hour flight to Paris. You were doing a presentation on colour theory for your Contemporary Cinema seminar when his text had come pinging through into the top corner of your MacBook, hooked up to the projector for your whole class of 30 to see.

Ben Hardy: Still pissed on the plane. Help me

They’d all giggled as you scrambled to switch off iMessage, struggling to regain composure and continue with your presentation, worth 50% of your grade for the whole module. It was a good job Ben had such a common name, as you had to laugh and brush it off when some kid in the back joked that you were “chirpsing the real Peter Beale”.

You recounted the tale to Ben now, hoping to give him a laugh, and indeed, the screen lit up your dark bedroom with a little line of laughter emojis only a minute later. You grinned, warmed. You might have been separated from him by the English channel, but compared to Los Angeles? You could kid yourself he was only next door.

You wanted badly to tell him you missed him, but you’d only just started admitting it to yourself.

“Sorry we keep missing each other.” He wrote, referring to the conflicting schedules you’d had over past few weeks, as well as the time zone issue. “It’s just been a mad one.”

That’s ok! I get it :)

You reply. And then:

You should sleep.

You worked out it would be past 1am there. He had to have been absolutely worn out.

Can’t.

Why’s that?

Kinda got a problem..

You waited for him to elaborate, sitting up and switching on your bedroom light.

You’re not in public are you?

Why??

You were curious now, closing all your other apps to focus solely on the conversation. Surely he knew that at midnight on a Monday you’d be home.

Just answer You at home?

I’m in bed

Even better ;)

You felt a flutter in the pit of your stomach. What was he up to?

Ben, what is it?

I wanna send you something

And then it dawned on you. He couldn’t sleep. Had a problem. Needed you to be alone.

Oh.

Only if that’s ok?? He replied, seconds later.

Yes

You put the phone down on your pillow, chewing on your nails as you waited for him to send it. There was no reason to be nervous. You’d seen his cock in person. Touched it. It just felt like a big deal somehow, having it on your phone. Risky.

He was lying in bed too. White hotel sheets, single bed against one wall, a mirror image of your cramped little student room.

The picture was nice.

I mean, of course it was – it was his, but even for him. He was naked, from the looks of it, lying on his back grasping himself in his fist, bright pink and hard against his belly. He looked gorgeous. You could barely close the picture long enough to tell him so.

You didn’t full-on sext. He was far too tired - and you far too shy - for that. But you did send him a picture of yourself, face cut off from the lips upward, of course. It was nothing too crazy. Just you lying in bed in your low-cut pyjama vest and French knickers (“Fitting ;)”).

After a few more messages back and forth your cheeks were stinging with heat, nipples hard through your pyjama top and a pool forming between your thighs.

He sent you a picture of his come, pearlescent white against his velveteen stomach in the camera flash. You felt your heart beating in your mouth and your fingers and your clitoris as you looked at it, wondering how that, something you’d never, ever imagined yourself wanting to receive from anyone, could be so beautiful to you.

You found yourself longing for his taste. To lick every last drop from the silky skin of his tummy.

Christ. You thought. What had gotten into you?

“What a waste” you typed.

~~~

The next morning you strolled into the kitchen with a spring in your step , and were pouring cereal into a bowl when Jen piped up from the kitchen table.

“Did you see those pictures of Ben?�� She asked predictably, and you bit back a smirk. “The ones with the models? He’s at the Yves Saint Laurent show.”

As if you wouldn’t have known where he was.

She was on the gossip page of one of those glossy magazines, OK! or Grazia - that sort of thing. As she brushed toast crumbs away to pour over the celebrity news you caught a glimpsed of a harassed-looking Ben, walking down the street with his hood up.

“He’s at fashion week.” She added.

“Oh, I spoke to him last night, actually.” You said, attempting to sound offhand.

“Really?” Jen replied airily. “What’d you talk about?”

“He was just saying how tired he was. Couldn’t wait to get back to London.”

“He was probably saying it to make you feel better.”

She didn’t look up from the magazine as she bit into her toast. Still, you could tell she was put out.

~~~

Ben arrived back that night and invited himself over. Couldn’t be bothered to deal with the mess at his, he said. He could unpack tomorrow. Besides, Frankie was with his ex for the whole week anyway, so there was nothing for him to be back for. He said he’d dump his suitcase at home and then come straight round, but you didn’t realise how literally he’d meant that.

He looked bone-weary. Hair a mess, he wasn’t shaved or showered, still in his clothes from the flight and you thought privately that you might prefer this version of him the best. His nose and fingers and toes were cold from the outside, and you squealed in his grasp, trying to squirm away but he wouldn’t let you, nuzzling his icy nose into you on purpose, seeking your warmth. You got straight into bed even though it had only just gone 8 by the time he rocked up, and his lips were pressed against yours right away.

For once, there was absolutely no lust there. He didn’t try to roll on top of you, hands staying on your middle, rubbing up and down your sides gently instead of trying to wander downwards. Just kissing for the sake of kissing. It made your heart speed up to think it. You still couldn’t quite believe he was here. He’d never been round to your flat before.

You made out for what could’ve been ten minutes or an hour, before coming to a slow, mutual stop.

“ ‘M’too tired to do anything,” He said, voice thick with sleep as he pushed his face into your neck to smell you. “Jus’ wanna nap for a million years.”

“M’Kay.” You said, muffled against his soft green jumper. He smelled of the outside.

~~~

You woke up not knowing what century it was, and you assumed he’d feel the same.

It was about 7am, and you were positively toasty. The heating had kicked in overnight and you’d fallen asleep in leggings and fluffy bed socks. At some point, Ben had taken his top off and you’d eagerly taken it and put it on, keen for his body warmth that still clung to it.

You peeled yourself off him, feeling sweat sticking down your back from where his bare chest had been pressed against it all night. He was like a space heater at the best of times. You slipped your socks off your sweaty feet and kicked them far down the bed, losing them in the sea of duvet.

You wriggled around in his arms so you could bury into his chest and he wrapped them back around you again, even in sleep. You lay there for a while in the pitch black, playing at being a little mouse snuggled up in the burrow, lying side by side with its den mate in the dark earth. Only the smell and feel and taste of each other to rely on.

You almost didn’t want to wake him up. To prolong the pretence that he was your live-in boyfriend for just a little longer. That he didn’t have to leave in an hour or two and that then you wouldn’t see him again for god knows how long.

You realised you only disliked dark mornings when you were sleeping alone.

~~~

“Have you seen those pictures of Ben at the airport?” Jen asked as the two of you trailed into the kitchen.

Ben stepped out from behind you awkwardly, and her ears turned pink with embarrassment. She slapped her hand over her mouth. You realised this was her first time meeting him in person.

“Coffee?” She managed to squeak after collecting herself again, and everyone laughed.

“It’s a good job you’re back.” She said to Ben not long later, handing him the mug of black coffee which he grabbed gratefully. “She’s been in a mood all week!”

“I have not Jen!” You protested, mortified.

Ben just grinned and slung an arm around you, biting into his toast.

“I’ll keep her in check.”

He winked at you and you nearly died off.

You watched him across the kitchen table over breakfast, thumming at your shirt collar. You brushed your fingers over your sore collar-bone absentmindedly, poking at the skin there testingly, bruised from where he’d sucked and bitten it. There was a sort of soft shyness to the way Ben was looking at you; private, stolen glances over steaming coffee cups, Jen yammering on in the background, oblivious to the fullness of the atmosphere.

You’d never liked it in the morning as much as you did with Ben. Only an hour ago, you’d been giving him a sloppy blowjob under the covers, enjoying the perfect stillness of 7am while he ran his hands through your hair and sighed. Eventually, once he was a bit more awake, he’d hauled you up and then rolled on top, pinning your hands to the bed as he settled his warm, welcome weight on top of you.

You’d not been quite ready for him yet, legs slung over his hips and hooked under his bum as he wiggled into you, and the stretch felt so incredible it had been an effort to keep quiet, conscious of Jen asleep in the next room. His thrusts were slow, fingers laced through yours, holding you down as you kissed sloppily.

Then he’d let go of one of your hands to bring a thumb down in between your legs, fingers gripping at your hip gently as he brushed over your clit, feather-light. He slowly built you to a shivering, long drawn out orgasm, clenching on him violently as he trembled with the effort of staying quiet.

Eyes squeezed shut, pink lips parted, he approached his high, and you took him by the back of the head gently to place a long, soft kiss to his cheek to soothe him. He pushed into it, panting, little noises of appreciation escaping the back of his throat while he came.

~~~

“I’ll have to leave”.

You snapped him out of his reverie and he blinked at you, blushing. You didn’t have to be an expert to tell what he’d been thinking about.

“Lecture?” Ben wondered, and you shook your head.

“Nah, work.”

You told Ben he was free to stay and have breakfast after you left for your part time job at a cafe. However, it appeared that the idea of him and Jen being left alone together terrified him as much as it did you and he opted to walk out with you after you finished your coffee. You walked your bike with him to where he’d parked his car.

“I could give you a lift?”

“Nah,” you said casually, fastening your helmet under your chin. “traffic’ll be bad”

He nodded his head. Neither of you moved to leave, and he looked like he was about to say something until both your heads jerked around at the sound of a group of school kids shouting from across the road.

“Oi, weren’t you in Eastenders?!”

One of them came running across the road to where the two of you were stood, face to face in front of his car boot. The rest of them followed nervously. The two of you sighed and smiled.

“I’ll be late.” You said, mounting your bike. He shot you a pleading, apologetic look but you just grinned at him from over your shoulder. “I’ll have to go.”

You waved him off as the gaggle descended on him, cycling away before they could get too good of a look at you. You glanced back every now and then at his retreating form, trying his best to be polite as they each asked him for an autograph and a picture.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @thegreekdreamersworld @youcapturedmyheartben @inlovewithbenhardy@summer–infinity @hmmmm-nope @hanginwithmanerds @shhhs3cret @redspecialty @falling-stars-never-cry @deathbyinternets @anita-e-taylor @hales-a-bells @not-your-housekeeper @wanderingxsherlockian @benstolemyhearty @scarsout @hardzzellos @bloominess @wonderless-screwup @abigfatmess @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @borhap-baby @the-claire-bitch-project @lukeofmine @sadfathoe427 @amidst-wonderland @glitterdreamsz @haywood-ya-not @hystericalqueenstan @totallynerdstuff @mustbeaweasleyginger @sweetheartben

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy fanfic #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy headcanon #my writing #blurb #borhap #borhap imagines #borhap boys

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jenhrding · 4 years

Text

dead to me season 2; a review

hello, i need to write about this because i woke up at 4am to watch season two and i have soooo many feelings that i need to vent even if nobody really cares

this is gonna be long so i divided it by episode and i'm doing a summary at the end if you don't feel like reading the entire thing

if you follow me on twitter you may have seen a lot of my comments on the season, as i needed to tweet about it while i watched it, but this is more of an organized type of thing

A LOT OF SPOILERS AHEAD

> i'm a die hard judy/jen shipper so if you liked michelle this might not be for you, i'm sorry

EPISODE 1

okay, the season picks up on the morning after ted's death and that was something i really appreciated. i usually hate when tv shows skip things and only mention what happened, not showing us how it happened

judy and henry's relationship warms my heart. they have a really strong bond and i'm glad we got to see more of them together throughout the episodes.

but, as we can't have everything, it hurt me a lot to see the way jen was treating judy. i love them both equally and because of that i can clearly see their mistakes without being biased, or at least i hope i can. i get that she was hurt with everything that judy did, and i loathed steve deeply, but still, the guy was his ex-fiancee, and she loved him to death even if he was a toxic piece of crap. the way jen said she was just there to pick up stuff and then told her she burned everything without even looking at her made me so sad for judy, and her dropping judy off saying they would never talk again was very cold, but that i would've seen coming from jen.

i was constantly feeling bad for judy because she didn't have time to mourn steve or abe and there she was, broke and without a place to stay. and let's just say, abe was an angel in her life even after he died. props to him for treating her like she deserved to be treated.

the thing with michelle started and it seemed a bit forced to me, like they just wanted to shove judy to someone else so we would stop asking for jen & judy being together.

and then jen called judy and i just KNEW that was happening, that scene really made me happy and it felt like they were taking a step forward in their relationship. jen worries about judy so much, even if she's not the best at showing it.

"like an excuse to see me again." "did it work?"

EPISODE 2

steve's twin thing was 100% so they wouldn't have to kick james out. it was very predictable and unnecessary. i guess it added a bit to the plot but his presence really annoyed me. but, i need to say, james did a nice job because ben didn't have any of steve's traits (i know that's what actors are supposed to do but i felt like he needed a compliment).

diana was irritating me from the beginning, and i'm glad i got to like her more by the end of everything.

i didn't get the deal with nick. i know breakups are hard but he looked depressed af. maybe it had to do with his history, everything with his friend and him losing his job and stuff. but i'm not really interested in that so it didn't bother me.

and may i just add? the scene with judy and the bird, she truly is a princess, i can't with her. also, i liked the subtle hint when jen told ben not to climb on the freezer because it was too low, and we would come to find out later that steve's body was in that freezer.

episode two had a lot of fun moments and it was a lighter one, maybe to prepare us for the chaos that was coming next.

"you look beautiful. i wish you would love yourself more."

EPISODE 3

judy hugging the freezer got me ????? i know she's an espiritual person but was she really acting like steve was feeling anything? i was confused, honesly, but i don't blame her "she will never do anything wrong :)"

the rats scene was funny but i hated how long they took to solve the freezer thing and just showed jen going there and crying sooo many times it kinda got tiring.

jen was being so nice to judy, touching her and hugging her and i had my hopes up for a little bit (only to get played again but i'll talk about that later).

the scene with michelle was cute, kinda necessary for judy to realize things about her grief, but sincerely speaking she just makes me very bored.

the breakdown scene in the garage was GREAT, linda and christina did an amazing job and i want to give them all of the awards.

"just wanted to tell you that i forgive you."

EPISODE 4

this episode had so much potential to be gay lmao, i could actually picture jen trying to comfort judy and end up kissing her and then they would've been together and all, but liz really doesn't want to give us what we want.

the scene at the bar was one of the best scenes in this season. they finally TALKED about their feelings. about how they still cared about both of the men who hurt them even if they were still mad at them for being shitty guys, and that was so important, love really does weird things to us.

and the dancing scene was EVERYTHING!!!! plus, they slept in the same bed even though there were two beds in the room, so...

judy hugging henry because of his bird = my heart cried they really are mother and son

jen telling judy that she could say goodbye and LINDA's SINGING!!!!!!!! a big yes for me

"will you be my person?" "yes, i will be your person."

EPISODE 5

hated this one. jen telling judy she needed space was hurtful, specially because judy was planning a day to make her feel better.

i just really hated this one. jen and ben is a NO, and judy with michelle was bothering me.

the highlight of it, for me, was when jen called judy to help her with charlie because, well, he is his mom too.

plus: the car burning scene was hot.

EPISODE 6

judy and jen talking to charlie like his moms was sooo nice i liked that scene a lot.

the voicemails steve left judy were disgusting. i hate that guy so much and i'm glad he's dead (sorry) and not able to hurt her anymore. we only want happy and safe judy here.

jen was jealous when judy mentioned her "new friend" you can't change my mind on this one.

i actually thought judy and michelle were gonna kiss in the car, but i appreciated that liz dragged it a little bit more.

i loved most of the arcade scenes, specially the ones with their family. i liked how they portrayed jen's relationship with the boys getting good again but didn't drag it on for too long, i think it was quite nice the way they did it.

and no, i'm not here for judy and michelle even though linda looks very hot while kissing another woman.

EPISODE 7

um, judy and michelle slept together and i was not happy. in fact, i made a lot of tweets complaining about it and twitter actually put me on limit for a few minutes. her saying "i love you" felt so forced and fake, i don't know, maybe it's cause i just don't like them together.

i was really appreciating scenes with jen and charlie, even if i don't like him very much. it felt good to see their relationship developing and getting better again because i do love a mother-son plot.

"of all the lesbians in lagoona" (jen included if i may add). this scene really showed a trust between them that i missed, jen telling judy she couldn't see michelle anymore and even though judy was upset she agreed with it because she knows jen only wants what's best for her.

it really hurt me to see that girl pregnant, because i know how much judy wanted a baby and for her to have five miscarriages and have to see that other woman pregnant with steve's baby must've hit her hard.

hated jen and ben together. honestly, it felt so weird to have jen kiss the guy who looks so much like the guy she killed, so, i did not like that.

judy's speech to diana was really important. it really showed more of who she is, really, a person who just tries all the time to do everything right and keeps fucking it up (like myself, i'd say), and i liked that scene a lot, specially when she goes to pick up the plastic bags hahaha.

EPISODE 8

this one showed a bit of why we should've been prepared for episode nine.

jen and judy's first scene was really good. they started it fighting but the ending was so lovely and just showed us how much they love each other and the things they'd give up for the other one to be happy.

i really hated how michelle treated judy on this episode. judy didn't have to tell her anything right away, they were together for five seconds. (or maybe i'm overreacting because i love judy way too much and hate seeing her being mistreated).

the end of this episode showed a lot of phone calls that made me confused and it had a few cliffhangers that i found to be a bit unnecessary. the show is interesting enough and i think liz overdid the cliffhangers a bit in this season, but it wasn't something that deeply bothered me.

EPISODE 9

i have a lot to say about this one so just take a deep breath before i vent lmao.

jen and ben fucked. which i thought was unnecessary and out of character for her. i really didn't see jen sleeping with a guy who has the same face as the guy she killed, and the scene where she looks at ben and remembers steve's dead body was so weird.

plus, i wish they would've gotten deeper into jen's mastectomy story. the only mention to it in this season was when she was in the bathroom, and she couldn't even bring herself to look in the mirror. it was unlike her to sleep with some stranger after that, since she's so ashamed of it, and it made me sad that the first person to see her naked after surgery (besides ted) wasn't judy, who she actually trusts. i didn't need jen to talk about it, because i know her character doesn't like to talk feelings, but the scene where she was alone could've been longer and showed a bit more of her story.

they showed so much of judy's background in the last two episodes and i loved it! i like how they were slowly revealing why her character acts the way she does. we knew she didn't like to be alone, but now we know that it's because she was alone most of her life, and because of that she clings to anyone who shows a bit of interest in her. therefore, why she didn't like nick that much and still tried to make things work out with him, and when steve showed her a little bit more of compassion, she went back to him. and now it's michelle, who she started seeing right after jen told her she needed space. judy is codependent, and i liked to understand her relationship with her mother so i could understand her relationship with others.

jen's scene at city hall was so important and powerful. first, i was afraid she might embarrass herself but she was incredible. the way she called andrew out not even scared if all the white men sitting there wouldn't believe a woman's harassment story, the way she talked about ted and ugh everything was great.

then, things started to go downhill. jen's relationship with the boys started declining again and it broke my heart (but i liked how henry asked for judy because he was sad and wanted to see her). and this anticipated what i elected (as if i have any room to say anything) to be the best scene of the show.

the garage scene. i have so many feelings towards it but at the same time i don't know how to express them.

first, judy said she was going to take the blame for charlie and that right there is what a mom would do (and finally they talked about judy's s*icide attempt). besides that, judy said that jen had a family and she couldn't lose that family, and then we realize how much it hurt her when her mom said she didn't have a family of her own (even though, in season one, jen said she was a part of their family).

linda and christina were brilliant in this bit. linda's expressions send me every time, and personally, i love it when she curses because it shows a side of her character that only comes out when she's really nervous and stressed, since she's always trying to see the good in everything. the way she raised her voice and said a lot of "fucks" really brought a different tone to the scene that we hadn't seen during the season.

jen had a lot of breakdowns during this season. but none of those were as exceptional as this one. ted fucked up her mind badly, and steve saying all those things triggered her to do what she did. imagine being married to a person for eighteen years and finding out, after his death, that he was cheating on you for a year and a half, that really must mess up with your self esteem and how you see yourself. jen is constantly thinking that everyone that she loves hates her and she ends up hating herself (as judy said "i wish you would love yourself more."). she is an extraordinary character and there's so much i still need to know about her.

now, here's something that bothered me. this scene was great, but i think jen was a bit out of character when she said "that's because you love anyone who just gives you a morsel of fucking attention, even if it's abusive. it's like you get off on it or something". honestly, the jen i know and have grown to love would never blame a woman for being abused, even if she was out of her mind for being upset. she saw how judy was mistreated by steve and she always knew he was toxic, but she would never say that to judy, as if she had any guilt on it.

this scene was so raw and chaotic but it was breathtaking, in a good way. judy's "i'm not like you" and their fight in front of the house, also judy's screams, everything was on point.

and then, jen got to see something we've been noticing for the past season and this one as well. when judy's stressed or hurt, she starts self-harming. it was never brought up before but it's something to watch out for. how many times did she curse at herself and hit herself in front of mirrors? and in the car she starts hitting herself really strongly when she's asking jen to stop. now, i don't know which part of her history this has to do with but i'd really like for them to get more into this, as it seems like a great storyline.

jen watching judy sleep and putting her hair behind her ear was so gay pure and i loved this scene so much.

EPISODE 10

what jen did for her family was beautiful, even if it didn't start that well. now, about her letter to judy, i sobbed so much reading that one.

this episode said a lot about diana's humanity. her and jen's talk about their mothers showed another side of her that i really liked. and i'm a sucker for motherhood storylines, so i cried a lot during that scene.

i liked this episode a lot too. loved to see charlie so worried about his mother for once in his life, and how well judy handles things as a mother.

now this is where i get mad. the scene where jen and judy are talking outside was the perfect setting for them to confess feelings. michelle felt like something that judy needed to replace steve, so it wouldn't last anyway (me hoping that she's not showing up on season 3), and because she had that experience, now she could love jen in a healthier way, in a way that maybe she couldn't before. there were so many 'i love you's and so many hugs and touches and no kiss and i was sad.

i loved the way jen said that judy needed to learn how to say no (and also, can she please stop saying sorry all the time? she's always making herself sad to make others happy-- i can't stop seeing myself in her). and it was genius how they used this thing to make her say no to her mom, who only wanted to see her to get out of prison, it showed her strenght.

the way they picked up jen's grief for her mom was really nice, i'd also like to learn more about that in the future. we could really understand where her anger comes from and why she despises herself so much.

and, baby, let me tell you, judy hale is a GENIUS. the money inside the paintings? i never saw that coming and i was so happy watching that scene! specially when she showed jen and they held hands. :(

charlie found the letters and he's finally getting to know what actually happened to his father (i'm guessing), and i wanna see his reaction. and i'm so here for their vacation! "talk to me like lovers do!" she really just keeps playing with my heart. (and jen calling judy "judes" was really cute.)

the last scene was something. them talking about the sign and then ben hitting them because he was drunk? i wasn't expecting that. and, as i said before, liz likes a good cliffhanger, but this one didn't seem that harsh. if she wanted to, she could've just left us in the dark about whether jen was alive or not, but she didn't, and i appreciated that.

i still don't know if this leaves room for another big storyline, maybe this should be something to be solved in the first two episodes of season three so they could jump into something more exciting, i don't know.

"i love you more than wine. thank you for loving me and our boys."

OVERALL THOUGHTS

i liked this season a lot. it felt a lot different from season one, the settings, the air. it was a bit more chaotic, i must say, and i do think they could've maybe chilled for a little bit and left the high point of stress being only on episodes 9 and 10. literally, everything was happening, all the time, and the only time they had to breathe was when they went dancing that night.

there was a shift in my feelings, for sure. last season i picked up on a lot of judy's mistakes and things she did that bothered me. this season, i did that more with jen, but i still love them so much istg i'd die for them (not to sound dramatic or anything lmao). it's just that last season i identified a lot more with jen's anger and behaviors, and in this one a saw a lot of myself in judy, and that might've prevented me from criticizing them as much in their respective moments.

i love this show to death, and i'm just waiting for award nominations that i'm sure will come. let's just hope that, this year, they also acknowledge linda's brilliant acting and even give both of them some awards.

this is me, (im)patiently waiting for a season 3 confirmation and i'm sure i'm just gonna rewatch everything for the next year like i did with season one.

i needed to talk about this season, and twitter doesn't give me enough space to do that, but this is not something i usually do. if you read all of this, you're brave, and i'm thankful for your attention.

now, can liz please make judy and jen girlfriends?

#dead to me #judy hale #jen harding #spoilers #linda cardellini #christina applegate #netflix #netflix show

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hopelessromanticspoonie · 5 years

Text

To Keep You Safe

Title: I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been

Chapter: 8/?

Author: hopeless_romantic_spoonie

Summary: Life as the assistant to Tony Stark was busy, but boring. All of that changed when I touched something I shouldn’t have and woke up with strange new abilities. If I thought that trying to figure out my new place in life as an Avenger was tough, I had no idea what was in store for me once I ran into the frustrating God of Mischief, Loki.

Rating: E (later on)

Notes: Friendly reminder that this is un-Beta’d, so please excuse any typos or grammatical errors I no doubt missed during revisions!

Also on Ao3 here :)

Warnings: Language

~~~

I quickly established a new routine without my training sessions with Wanda to distract me.

8 AM: Wake up, chug coffee, practice being social, get dressed.

9 AM: Run laps around the perimeter of the Compound.

10 AM: Get my ass kicked by Nat. Repeatedly.

11:30 AM: Inhale lunch.

12 PM: Suck at controlling my powers.

3 PM: Do more laps around the Compound.

5 PM: Zone out to reality TV in my room.

6 PM: Dinner with the gang. Play at being a human some more.

8 PM: Go to the gym to punch stuff.

9 PM: Shower, get ready for bed, pass out.

2 AM: Wake up from traumatic nightmares and fall asleep to more pointless reality TV.

5 AM: If I hadn’t exhausted myself enough, wake up again from nightmares.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

~~~

Over a week into my new work-myself-so-hard-that-I-don’t-think routine, I noticed that my carefully constructed schedule wasn’t fooling anyone.

Nat was staring me down with pointed glares in between each ass-kicking session. She mentioned that I was losing my edge. I didn’t know I had one to begin with, so that was a nice compliment.

One morning at breakfast Steve went full Captain America and pinned me to my stool with an insanely heavy hand on my shoulder, promising me that I can always talk to him about anything. It’s absurd how much strength that guy holds in just one hand. Probably more than I had in my entire body if I’m being honest with myself.

Bruce tried to get me to start going to daily sessions with him again. At the risk of bringing out the big guy, I never showed up to the meeting times he suggested--and that I never agreed to. He left well enough alone and only made F.R.I.D.A.Y. nag me about it once a day. Good guy, that Banner.

Thor seemed determined at cheering me up at any opportunity. He watched my favorite reality TV shows and sitcoms with me, kept me company sometimes when I couldn’t sleep at night, and even tried to help me learn some new techniques in the gym--that was the ass-kicking of the century. He was a sweet, lovable bear of a man who did give a mean hug, but sometimes he was just too much. Too loud and too big and too enthusiastic. He needed an off button or some sort of dial to turn it down.

The last one to break and say anything was Tony. He interacted with me much less than he used to in the past now that I was a mini-Avenger in training and not his Personal Assistant. I went into his lab every three or so days so he could check on any injuries I’d gotten from training, take a few blood or tissue samples, and update me on Wanda and Vision. It’s hard to get a surly word or fake smile in edgewise when he does ninety percent of the talking, so I flew under the radar for longer than I had expected I would. For a genius, he could be oblivious about interpersonal relationships.

His breaking point was when I just flat out didn’t respond to his latest status report on my magical voodoo coach and her door-hating man.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Jen? I just told you that they’re going to be out for at least another two weeks, and you don’t even bat an eye? Since when do you not care about your friends?”

I did care about Wanda and Vision, I did. Tony had informed me a while ago that the insanely smart Princess of Wakanda, Shuri, had successfully managed to remove the stone from Vision’s head and Wanda had promptly destroyed it. Vision was doing fine, but he was adjusting to having to use doors now that he couldn’t just walk through walls anymore. He couldn’t shoot beams from his forehead anymore, or alter his appearance to look human, but those were all minor setbacks when it came to destroying the Mind Stone and keeping him chugging along. Once they were finished with their Hydra brain-digging they’d be headed straight home.

My hands twisted themselves together in my lap. “I do care,” I insisted unconvincingly.

Tony took off his glasses and leveled me with a hard stare, his arms crossed over his chest. “What’s going on?”

“What do you want me to say?” I huffed, unable to meet his disappointed gaze any longer.

“Explain why I’ve had four of our friends and coworkers come up to me and ask if you were okay. If the tests showed anything negative because your piss poor attitude sure does. Did your favorite person get kicked off of Survivor? Did Ben and Jerry’s stop making Hunka Hulka Burning Fudge? What is it?”

I groaned, pulling my knees up to my chest as I sat on the exam table and shoved my face into them.

“You wouldn’t understand, Tony.”

“Try me, Poison Ivy,” he insisted, not unkindly.

“It’s dumb as hell.”

He came over to sit down on the table next to me and nudged my shoulder with his. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. told me that you’ve been having nightmares and I know you haven’t been talking to Bruce about it. I can get someone in here if you need it. A professional. Just gotta ask.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. is a snitch,” I muttered, fiddling with the handle of my knife on my thigh absentmindedly. I had taken to wearing it again, at Tony’s request, and it was equal parts reassuring and daunting to have that steady weight on my leg again. Of course Tony would check up on me when he noticed something. He was basically Dad of the team, and he’d been doing his best to take care of everyone, including me, for as long as I could remember. He would see my restlessness and work ethic and nightmares for what they were. It wasn't as if this was a new pattern of mine. “I don’t need to see anybody. I’m fine.”

“Then get the hell over it. You’re an Avenger now. You gotta sort through this shit however you need to so you can get back on your A-Game. Hydra is still out there looking for your skinny ass. They aren’t going to stop trying to breach the Compound’s defenses or lure you out because you’re throwing the world’s longest pity party for yourself. Wanda and Vision are out there risking their lives for you, so maybe show a little gratitude for their hard work and don’t act like a waste of space,” he snapped, his voice barely restrained as he poked my arm with each point until I looked up at him. He was right in my face, giving me every ounce of disappointment and rage in his clenched jaw and hard eyes that he refused to let out in his words. It was so paternal and there was so much care driving the speech.

And it broke me.

I pulled my eyes from him to stare up at the ceiling, blinking to try to keep the tears that pricked at my eyes from falling. It didn’t work, though, and they slipped down my red face anyway. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and crossed my arms over my chest as I worked as hard as I could to keep from crumbling under the weight of his disappointment.

“Oh, shoot. Hey, kid, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out,” Tony said worriedly, hands fluttering uselessly in front of him.

I took several deep, shaky breaths before I felt in control enough to get off of the exam table and put some distance between us. I needed to lessen the intensity somehow. Why was everybody in this damn Compound so freaking intense all the time? My hands clasped over the back of my head as I paced in front of him and just let my jumbled thoughts spill out of my mouth.

“No, it’s not okay. It’s frustrating as hell and I’m pissed and I can’t do anything about it so I just don’t but that doesn’t work because then I’m just bottling all of this up inside. That’s not good for my powers, so I haven’t been able to use my abilities and practice since it happened. And that’s not good because I need to make sure I can defend myself and that I don’t need anybody to help me. And I can’t sleep at night because I keep seeing those…” I sucked in a shaky breath, “those guys but then I wake up alone and it doesn’t feel safe and I’m so angry at myself and-”

“Woah, woah, woah. There’s a lot to unpack there. Let’s start from the top, okay?” Tony asked, raising his hands to stop the rambling tirade as it spilled directly from my brain out of my mouth. He waited until I had stopped pacing back and forth and was looking in his general direction before he continued, “What is frustrating as hell?”

It was too much to pick apart. “Everything.”

“One example, kid. Throw me a bone.”

“Can’t do just one. Better question,” I countered quickly.

Tony rubbed at the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger, squinting his eyes together tightly. “Okay... Why can’t you do anything about whatever is frustrating as hell?”

“Because I’m not the one who did it.” Well, kinda.

“Who did what?” he asked, his frustration clipping his words.

“Acted like an asshole. Which is to be expected of him, but it’s frustrating because I believed him and I trusted him and that’s a dumb, naive thing to do when it comes to the God of Lies and Mischief,” I explained, my voice sounding as deflated as I felt after my outburst.

It had been dumb to believe him. He didn’t have me. I wasn’t safe. He wasn’t going to be around like he promised me in that car. The look in his eyes had been a lie. The gentle touches and steamy kisses were easily faked to deal with a sticky situation. That’s all. I had known better than to trust him, I had every reason not to believe that he had changed, and I ignored it all because of two life-saving moments, some making out, and a halfway confession of mind control. I knew better.

He shifted on the table, shaking his head and blinking dramatically as if to make what I just said any less nonsensical. From his continued confused expression on his face, it didn’t work. “I’m sorry, Jen, but you’re gonna have to explain.”

And so, after taking a beat to gather my thoughts, I unloaded everything onto Tony. The admission in the car. The dancing and making out in the club. Our fight against the Hydra assholes. How he was in the car. How he was completely different on the rooftop. And how pissed I was that I was pissed that he was ghosting me now after he’d made himself such a staple in my life over the last month.

After all was said and done, I collapsed onto a nearby chair and hung my head, letting my thick hair fall to partially hide my face while I waited for him to tell me what I already knew: That I was an idiot. I was naive. I shouldn’t have expected any different from Loki. He was known for this sort of behavior, wasn’t he? When the reprimand I was expecting didn’t come after several pregnant beats, I peeked up at him to be met with a very guilty-looking Tony staring back at me.

“Oh, kid. I fucked up,” he sighed.

My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. “What did you do, Tony?”

“I, uh, overreacted. I might have flipped out. When Sam and Nat called to tell me what had happened with those guys I lost my cool. And then when you pulled up and I opened the door to see Loki holding you like that, while you looked so broken… It brought out this whole protective thing in me that usually just comes out around the Spiderkid.”

I got up and stood directly in front of him. “What. Did. You. Do. Tony?” I asked through clenched teeth, working very hard to remain in control as my pulse thudded in my ears.

“You know who he is. The Trickster God of Lies and Mischief. All I saw was this thousand-year-old god taking advantage of someone who’s had too many hard knocks in life. So I talked to him.” Tony held his hands up in surrender.

“No shit, Sherlock. What did you say?” I asked, feeling the familiar power roaring to life beneath my skin. It was nice to have it feel so accessible after almost two weeks of frustration, but I smothered it the best I could. I wouldn’t get a good answer out of Tony if I dragged him outside and made a tree give him a nice tight squeeze.

“I told him to stay away from you. That you were off-limits and he’s no good for you. You’ve been through too much to be chewed up and spit back out once he’d finished playing with the shiny new mortal-”

“Fuck, Tony! Damn!” I shouted, throwing my hands to my side. My knife came unbidden into my waiting hand, but I didn’t raise it against him. I wasn’t that far gone to my anger. “You aren’t my Dad! That’s not your place!”

He stood up so that we were face to face, his jaw tight as he glanced at the dagger before looking back at my tight face. “That’s right. I’m not. Because he got them killed. Did you forget that?”

It was like he had stabbed me in the heart and punched me in the gut at the same time. I shoved the unwelcome last images that I had of my father out of my mind as tears that I had just gotten control over pricked at my eyes once again. I took a stumbling step away from him, as if I could walk away from the emotional turmoil he’d thrust upon me. “No, I didn’t. But that wasn’t him. He wasn’t in control.”

“And you believe him?” he asked incredulously. “He’s a liar.”

I hesitated briefly. “Not about this. You didn’t see his face.”

“I don’t need to. I know what he is. You’re not thinking clearly,” he accused, shaking his head at me.

“I’m not doing this with you right now,” I stated, backing away from him. I stormed out of the room, fumbling and then shoving my knife back into its sheath. I missed on the first attempt, leaving a steadily bleeding thin slice down my thigh and ruining my leggings, but I didn’t miss a step. I had a god to confront.

I jogged to the roof, standing there panting with my hands on my hips and my head dropped to my chest. My breath condensed in the air in front of me, and I made myself try to slow everything going on inside of me, from my blood rushing through my veins to my power desperately trying to claw its way to the surface, way down while I waited for Loki to show up. He was always creeping around somewhere and he would have been curious about my argument with Tony, I was sure of it. We hadn’t exactly been quiet about it.

Sure enough, by the time I was in slightly more control of myself, the hair on the back of my neck raised at the feeling of someone watching me. I had talked to Thor about this odd sensation, and he agreed that my suspicions of Loki being to blame were probably correct. He was more than capable of messing with my head enough so that I wouldn’t be able to sense him there if he wanted to, which meant that he wanted me to know that he was around. He was too good at his magic to just slip up like that. No, he was playing with me just enough so that I would know he was being an invisible creeper without actually making himself known. It was like knowing that there was ice cream in the freezer while you were on a diet. It was there, but it might as well not have been for all the good it was doing and the torment it caused.

“Stay out of my head, Loki. Don’t be a coward. Show yourself,” I called, holding my arms up in the air challengingly.

“I am a god. A Prince of Asgard. I am no coward,” his voice hissed in my head.

Gotcha.

“You won’t even speak out loud or show yourself. Seems pretty cowardly to me,” I goaded him loudly. “Afraid?”

Loki appeared before me in a flash of green light, gripping my upper arms and shoving me roughly back against the door behind me. His eyes were crazed as they swept over my face. “Don’t you dare assume you know anything about me, mortal.”

I stared him down, telling myself that this was all show even as my body reacted very differently. I was practically vibrating with an electrifying mixture of fear and rage as his fingers dug painfully into my flesh and he towered over me. But he wouldn’t do anything me. I had to believe that. If he was going to kill me he wouldn’t have saved my life twice over by now. That was a little harder to make myself fully believe when he looked so manic and wrathful and I knew just how much damage he could do to me if he wanted to. Very easily.

“I know that Tony talked to you,” I said quietly, continuing when he opened his mouth to probably give some smartass answer, “I know that he treated you terribly. Like a monster. Telling you to stay away from me even though he didn’t have the right. Twisting everything around so it seemed like you manipulated me into trusting you.”

Loki tightened his grip on my arms, only releasing them when an involuntary wince twisted my firmly set mouth. He didn’t back away, though, his angered breaths blowing against my face as he sneered down at me. He dragged a long, cool finger across my jaw. “How do you know that I didn’t manipulate you? Mortals are so easily swayed, especially the fairer sex.”

“What would be the result of that? What would you get out of saving my life twice, tending to my wounds while I wasn’t even conscious to appreciate it, and helping me hold it together after the night of the club? What does that do for you?” I refused to move away from him. That was what he wanted. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

His brow furrowed for half a second, as if he was actually contemplating my question, but quickly replaced it with his mask of fury once again. “I was merely toying with you, love. It was in my best interest to go unrecognized in the club, and then afterward I would’ve been imprisoned again if I had let them take you. Your Avengers hold a soft spot for their new pet.”

He was just lashing out at me to avoid confronting his emotions. I had to keep on digging or we weren’t going to get anywhere.

“That doesn’t answer why you comforted me.”

He finally took a step away from me, and even that small amount of distance eased the rapid beat of my heart in my throat. From the way his eyes ticked to my neck I had to assume that my pulse was visible to him, and he had taken notice. Disgust dripped off of him as he replied, “Because you were pathetic. A warrior does not mourn those that they slay in battle. I had to keep your fragile psyche together long enough to get you to your equally feeble friends, who wouldn’t see it for the weakness that it was.”

His words finally achieved his goal, and I had to look away to try to hide how they had cut me to my core. He was just voicing what I had been telling myself. I did feel weak and pathetic for reacting that way, but it also meant that I wasn’t some robot who had no value for human life. Any normal person would be troubled by the knowledge that they had killed someone and gotten more men brutally killed just be existing. Either way, I couldn’t win.

But the aspect that hurt most of all was that he hadn’t acted out of concern for me. It was all to save his ass and get rid of me, just like I had suspected. At least, that was what he wanted me to believe. I couldn’t accept that completely, though, not when my gut was telling me otherwise.

I straightened up off of the wall and set my fiery gaze on him once again. “So explain this to me, and don’t you dare interrupt. You are going to hear what I have to say and then you can fuck right off to go haunt some other poor soul.”

I hesitated to see if he would try to stop me, but surprisingly he just stood there in stunned silence as if he couldn’t believe that I was standing up to him. It wasn’t like this was the first time. But I was fully done at this point and I needed to get everything out of my system and then I could just leave it. But he was going to let me say my peace, damn it.

“I don’t know how long you think that you can lie to yourself, but it isn’t going to work forever. I’m not going to let it. You spent weeks watching me like I was some fucking science experiment. You slithered your way into my life by constantly hanging around, by making me reliant on you when I wake up from my nightmares, by stopping bullets aimed my way with your own body, and then drop me on my ass. You don’t do all of those things for anybody. I don’t see you doing any of those things for Natasha. I know that girl has to have nightmares with all the shit that she has been through. I don’t see you throwing yourself in the line of danger for somebody like Sam. You don’t get to just thrust yourself into my life like that and then waltz out like nothing happened. I’m not some plaything that you can use and toss away. I’m a person, even if that doesn’t mean much to a freaking thousand-year-old asshole alien prince.”

“You do not get to tell me what to do,” he hissed.

But while his words were laced with anger, I could see the cool facade that he had constructed slowly cracking at the edges. Just a furrowed brow, his lips slightly parted, his eyes darting between my own. But it was enough to give me that last bit of oomph that I needed to continue.

“What are you going to do about it? Stab me? Kill me? I’m just a human woman. It wouldn’t be hard to do at all. If that’s what you want, then do it,” I seethed, pulling my dagger out and holding it to my neck for him, staring defiantly at him even as tension pulled my muscles taut. “Because either you admit that you did those things because you wanted to, because you felt something and that you’re too much of a coward to admit it, or you can get the hell out of my life. None of this halfway bullshit anymore. I’m too tired and too stressed and I’m struggling too much to play games with the Trickster God.”

His shining eyes took me in, and in one quick move he stepped up to me so that our chests were touching and his hand closed over mine, holding my knife at my throat. “I admit nothing.”

His grip hadn’t been very strong and I yanked my hand away easily. I sheathed my knife and shook my head, all of my rage melting out of me, leaving just exhaustion to weigh me down. “You see everyone else so clearly but yourself.”

He flinched at my words and closed his eyes tightly but I didn’t let myself question his reaction. I just wanted to be done with this conversation and never have it again. So everything needed to be said. I wasn’t going to have any regrets or thoughts of ‘what if’ when it came to this moment, consequences be damned. It wasn’t like he could hurt me anymore than he already had.

“If you won’t admit it, I will. That night, something changed. And I’m not just talking about when we were dancing together, or when we kissed. Yeah, that was really good, you weren’t wrong about that. But it had felt right. We… we fit. Even though you’re a giant compared to me, we fit. And then, after...,” I paused and took a steadying breath as I choked out the words around the lump of frustration in my throat, “you were the only thing that felt safe. You were the one that I trusted to protect me and hold me together. And I needed that, especially during my nightmares. And I hate that I needed that so much. I try to be so independent. But you had abandoned me.”

I ran a hand through my hair with a heavy sigh. “And that’s fine. You don’t owe me anything. I’m going to learn to live with what I did and what I saw in time. I’ll do it on my own. But I can’t do that if I’m also trying to figure out this situation on top of everything else. I can only handle so much at one time, and I have to take care of myself. You acting like an asshole to me one second and then treating me so tenderly the next isn’t going to cut it. You have to pick one.”

My hand settled lightly on his bicep. “I hope that one day you can be honest with yourself. Because I don’t think you are right now, and I think that’s hurting you more than you think it’s protecting you,” I whispered, squeezing his arm softly before walking away from him.

I didn’t expect him to stop me, and he lived up to that expectation. I didn’t run into anyone as I took the elevator down to the ground floor, and the few employees that I passed as I made my way outside didn’t even glance up at me as I moved quickly through them. The bite of the winter air returning to the exposed skin of my face was more than welcome as I began my usual jogging route along the perimeter of the Compound. I needed to think, and with Loki currently occupying my favorite thinking spot, this was my alternative that wasn’t the confines of my room. I wanted the open air right now.

I didn’t get very far before all of the emotions that I had cycled through in such a short period of time finally fully released themselves into hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. I always cried when I got overwhelmed. It was embarrassing. I let out a strangled shriek and stopped jogging, bending forward at my waist and pulling my sweater into my fists to wipe away the evidence of my emotions. Loki was right. I really was pathetic.

“I am not worth your tears.”

I straightened up and lowered my hands to my sides, digging my nails into the fabric clutched in my palms. I kept my back to him, not wanting to be seen crying for what felt like the thousandth time that day. “Oh?” I asked, cringing inwardly at the break in my voice on such a short word.

His voice was closer this time. “I am not. No one is.”

I barked out a harsh laugh. “Yeah, well, I guess I’ll keep that in mind,” I scoffed, walking away.

His slim fingers encircled my wrist gently to stop my speedy progress away from him. “Did you mean what you said?”

I turned around to face him, swallowing my pride and looking up to him. The cold hatred that he had worn earlier had gone, and in its stead, his eyes were soft as they took in my tear-stained face. Tentatively, he reached up and swiped away a tear as it rolled down my cheek. “Did you mean what you said?” he implored in a low voice.

“I don’t have any reason to lie,” I replied, just as quietly.

In one swift motion he yanked me against him, encompassing me in his strong embrace. My face collided almost painfully with the hard muscles of his chest he was so fast. I remained stiff against him, even as one hand moved from my back to cradle the back of my head. I wasn’t going to let myself get pressured into enjoying how heavenly he smelled, or how comforting it was to my weary heart to feel his voice rumbling through his chest.

“Only one other woman has been able to see through me so effectively.”

A small smile cracked my lips. “Smart woman.”

“Yes, she was,” he replied, voice weighed down with a terrible sadness that tugged at my heart. “This will not be easy.”

I didn’t say anything for a while, letting myself process everything. If he said that I could see through him, that had to be his weird proud way of admitting that I was right. But what about? Everything? That’s what it sounded like. But my weary heart and mind needed more clarification.

I hesitantly lifted my hands from their place at my sides and rested them on his waist, sliding over the slick fabric of his shirt. “I’m going to need you to be more specific, Loki.”

A sigh ruffled my hair before his hands moved to my shoulders to hold me at arm’s length. That same softness was still there on his face, but it was now laced with a hint of vulnerability and fear that I wasn’t used to seeing on him at all. “I have grown quite attached to you, as of late, little one.”

Stifling the hope that soared within my chest, I raised an eyebrow at him. “No tricks?”

He pushed an errant piece of hair behind my ear and let his hand fall to rest on my shoulder so his fingers could lift goosebumps on the soft skin of my neck from his caress. “No more tricks. Not with you.”

Smiling wearily, I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face into the column of his throat. “Don’t make me regret this, Loki,” I pleaded, my voice muffled by his skin.

His arms crushed me to him so tightly that it was hard to take a deep breath, but it still didn’t feel close enough. I felt his smooth lips move against the skin just beneath my ear as he replied, “I wouldn’t dream of it, love.”

#to keep you safe #loki #loki odinson #loki laufeyson #loki friggason #loki fanfic #loki/ofc #marvel fanfic #marvel #marvel fanfiction #language tw

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adelesbian · 5 years

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It was just sex, desperate, honest sex that only happened because they were close together and so charged off of adrenaline that they were desperate to touch one another. Johnny woke up still in Peter’s bed basking in the afterglow of finally kissing (and fucking) Peter after chasing him for so long. He reached over to brush Peter’s hair out of his face, and Peter waved his hand to brush Johnny away sleepily. Johnny laid back and smiled warmth washing over him.

Then Peter’s alarm went off and the peace was gone. He was up looking for clothes, changing, eating breakfast, all without saying a word to Johnny. He was halfway out the door when he froze and turned around to see if Johnny was still there.

“Morning, handsome,” Johnny said as Peter peeked into the bedroom.

“Oh, you’re still here,” Peter said leaning on the door.

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

“I have to get to work, but I need to talk to you later,” Peter said.

“Okay, see you then,” Johnny said. He waited for a kiss, but Peter just left his apartment without a second thought.

Johnny got changed into his clothing and left Peter’s apartment locking the door behind him. Something felt off about the whole morning routine. He didn’t even say anything to Johnny until he remembered he was there. Johnny got home to his apartment his whole mood dissipated. He sat at his kitchen table and laid his head down wondering if Peter regretted what happened.

These insidious thoughts plagued him for the rest of the day until Peter finally showed up to talk. Johnny made him some dinner just to have something to do to fill the awkward silence. Peter kept insisting that he had to leave soon, but he didn’t.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Peter said as Johnny put a plate of food in front of him.

“Why?” Johnny asked trying to smile to hide the fact that he wanted to die.

“It was a mistake,” Peter said. “We… I-”

Johnny cut in. “It was just sex,” he said wishing that he hadn’t because it wasn’t just sex, not to him.

Peter suddenly looked relieved. “Thank god, I was worried you would think it was more,” he said.

Johnny winced. “I’m not that clingy,” he said.

Peter didn’t say anything but rather took a bite of the food that Johnny placed before him. Johnny tried his best to hide his hurt. He didn’t blame Peter for not wanting to date him; he didn’t exactly have a great track record with dating and he didn’t really bring much to the table other than looks.

“It was good sex,” Peter said looking up from his food.

Johnny looked up. “It’s a gift,” he said.

Peter smiled. “You really are sure of yourself. It could have just been the adrenaline.”

“You want to try again to find out,” Johnny said taking a bite.

“Tempting,” Peter said looking down at his plate.

“Sounds like you want to,” Johnny said smirking.

Peter finished. “I’m definitely thinking about it,” he said.

“You’re still here despite ‘having somewhere else to be’,” Johnny said putting his fork down.

Peter smiled and look down at his empty plate. “What if we had sex occasionally?” he asked.

Johnny’s brow furrowed. “Like no strings attached?”

Peter nodded his head.

“Sure,” Johnny said as a million and one things ran through his head. He wanted Peter more than anything in the world, and if all he got from Peter was having sex occasionally then it was enough. It was something, and something was better than nothing.

“You can’t tell anyone though,” Peter said, “I’ve got a lot going on, and I-”

“It’s fine,” Johnny said cutting him off, I wouldn’t tell anyone about me either…

Johnny woke up in Peter’s bed again. Peter was already gone which meant that he expected Johnny to be gone when he got back which was fine because Johnny was going to eat brunch with Jen anyways. He looked at the time on his phone. He was running late so he took a shower at Peter’s and flew back to his apartment to change. Good thing he could count on Jen being late anyways. She’d only just texted him asking where he was when he landed.

“Sorry I’m late, I was-”

Jen pointed to her neck mirroring where he had a very visible hickey. “I think I’ve got an idea,” she said. “Who gave you those, Torch?” His face must have revealed all his feelings because Jen stood up and hugged him. “You wanna talk about it?” she asked softly.

“I can’t,” Johnny said sitting down.

“Bullshit,” Jen snapped.

“I really can't. I promised not to tell anyone,” Johnny said.

“I’m not just anyone,” Jen said. “Who am I gonna tell?”

Johnny placed his face in his hands and let out a long sigh before telling Jen everything that happened. He delved into too many details in some places (the sex), but Jen didn't stop him from sharing despite the pained expression she got as he described each encounter in great detail. She stared at him her face growing more and more pained as he told her about how often he would wake up after Peter left without even bothering to say anything to him up.

“None of this is fair to you,” Jen said softly touching his hand.

“I don’t know what to do because I want him so bad, but not like this,” Johnny said.

“Then tell him,” Jen insisted.

Johnny let out a long sigh. “What if I lose him forever?” he asked.

Jen’s eyes narrowed. “Then he’s a dick and you deserve better,” she said.

“Do I though?” Johnny asked. He didn’t think he did. He deserved what was happening. Peter always just out of reach, ashamed of him. He would be too.

“Johnny, you deserve someone who can give you the world,” Jen said.

“I screw everything up,” Johnny whispered.

“You don’t Johnny,” Jen said, “Look, I know this isn’t the advice you want, but maybe going to a therapist would help? You’re going through so much right now.”

“I don’t need therapy,” Johnny said.

“It’s not quite the same thing, but I started seeing someone again because…” Jen stopped for a moment, “well you know why.”

“I’m not exactly turning into a rage monster,” Johnny said.

“Just because you don’t physically doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on on the inside that’s just as bad as what happened to me,” Jen said.

Johnny sat on his couch watching television listless. He was covered in blankets for no other reason besides to feel cozy. His phone was going off in his bedroom, but he didn’t have the energy to go check it. He wasn’t even watching the tv at this point just letting it play as he zoned out.

Johnny heard his bedroom window slide up, and he jumped up ready to fight whoever was breaking into his house. “Just me, flamebrain,” Peter said opening his bedroom door.

“Fuck, Peter, you gave me a heart attack,” Johnny said clutching his chest.

“Sorry, Ben asked me to check on you because Jen asked him to check on you, but you wouldn’t answer his calls and he didn’t want to just barge in. Luckily, I do barge in,” Peter said.

“Lucky me,” Johnny said staring at the reason for his torment. He hated how much he wanted him. He wanted to kiss his stupid face and ride him until he blacked out, but more than anything he wanted to be with him, to go places with him. To go on dates.

Peter looked around the room noticing the dishes that were piling up and the trashy television playing, the mountain of blankets that Johnny didn’t need. “You, uh, alright?” he asked.

Johnny wasn’t quite certain why he burst out crying, but here he was sobbing in Peter’s arms. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Peter whispered kissing his hair and face gently, softly, tenderly…

Johnny held on for dear life wishing that he could tell Peter what was on his mind, but he couldn’t. “What’s wrong?” Peter asked.

“I miss them,” Johnny said, and it wasn’t a lie. “I miss them so much.”

Peter held him tighter. “I know,” he mumbled.

Johnny wiped his eyes. His throat was tight. Peter kissed Johnny’s eyelids softly then ran his thumb below them drying off any tears Johnny left.

“I’m so alone,” Johnny said his throat scratchy.

Peter drew him to his chest. “You’ve got me,” he said kissing his hair.

Johnny nodded his head, but he wanted to ask if he did. Did he really have Peter or was he just someone that he clung to? Something to hold onto at Peter’s convenience. Johnny burrowed his face into Peter’s chest taking in a long breath savoring this.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Peter said laughing softly. “I just got done with my rounds.”

“‘S fine,” Johnny said closing his eyes and breathing in Peter. He smelled like sweat and chemicals, a combination that Johnny never got tired of even if it wasn’t exactly a bottle of one hundred dollar cologne.

“Your funeral.”

Johnny held onto Peter for quite a while before finally, they both decided to watch a movie. Johnny cuddled against Peter as he made jokes throughout the whole film. If it were anyone else besides Peter he would have been upset that they wouldn’t be quiet, but Peter made him laugh and at the moment he needed to laugh. But laughing with Peter could be dangerous, and the arm placed heavy on his shoulders made it even harder to think about anything but Peter.

“This is super date-y,” Johnny said trying to get some acknowledgment of how he felt out of him.

“We’re best friends,” Peter said looking over at Johnny confused. “Best friends do this kind of stuff.”

“Best friends who are fucking,” Johnny corrected him.

“Taking bromance to every possible level, I guess,” Peter said.

Johnny laughed emptily. “I guess we're best friends with benefits,” he said. It hurt to say it out loud even as a joke.

“BFWB's,” Peter said laughing. He has a nice laugh that Johnny could listen to all day.

“Shut up,” Johnny said hitting him with the closest pillow in reach.

Peter shielded himself. “Hey!” he exclaimed, “I’m trying to watch this.”

Johnny hit him with the pillow again. “You and I both know that’s not true,” he said.

“I happen to like Into Darkness,” Peter said grabbing Johnny’s wrist to stop him from hitting him again.

“You have terrible taste,” Johnny said.

“Shut up.”

“Make me,” Johnny said smiling for a moment.

“You’re the worst,” Peter said his eyes catching Johnny’s.

“This movie sucks and you just won’t admit-”

Peter kissed him suddenly to shut him up about the movie, and Johnny started to take off his shirt as they fell back on the couch. Peter caught his hands and came up for air. “No sex right now,” he said maybe not picking his words right.

Johnny stared at Peter for a moment trying to find words, but he couldn’t so he just nodded his head and cuddled next to Peter as his chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. He closed his eyes trying to push dark thoughts out of his mind. I wouldn’t want me either, Johnny thought falling asleep holding Peter tightly.

He woke up alone in his bed to the sound of his phone going off. He reached over to his bedside to grab it. He answered it lazily.

“Did Ben visit?” Jen’s voice insisted.

“No,” Peter said wiping his eyes. “He asked Peter to come over.”

“Fuck, I’m gonna kill Ben.”

“I feel like shit. Can I call you back?”

“Come on. Talk to me. You don’t have to say much just something.”

“I just… I don’t think he actually wants me, and I don’t blame him…”

“Johnny, sweetie, it’s his loss. It really is.”

“I don’t think it is…”

“She-Hulk was really rude to me the last time I saw her,” Peter said playing with Johnny's hair. It was one of those rare mornings that he actually stayed in bed with Johnny. He must have a day off.

“Oh?” Johnny said cuddling closer to savor what little time he got next to Peter.

“It was weird because we’ve always gotten along before,” Peter said wrapping his arms around Johnny’s shoulders.

“Maybe you did something the last time she saw you,” Johnny said closing his eyes and breathing in.

“I don't think I did,” Peter said. “Maybe she got one of my clones mixed up with me or something. I’ll try and find out next time I see her.”

Johnny's eyes snapped open as he realized why she was mean to Peter. He must have tensed up because Peter sat up and glared at him. “What did you tell her?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Johnny lied. Peter glared at him, and Johnny cracked. “Okay, I told her that we were fucking,” Johnny admitted, but before Johnny could explain why he was interrupted.

“Johnny, I asked you not to tell anyone!” Peter exclaimed.

“I had to talk to someone!” Johnny said.

“Why couldn’t you talk to me? You had to tell someone else everything about our relationship after I ask you not to!”

“What relationship? You made it very clear we’re only fucking!” Johnny shouted, but as soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them and wanted to stuff them back inside of him and lock them up so they’d never come out again.

Peter stared at him his mouth open. It seemed like he was speechless for the first time in his life, and that gave Johnny enough time to grab his clothing off the floor and march to the door.

“Wait, Johnny,” Peter said just as Johnny threw open the door.

Johnny turned towards Peter waiting for him to say something, but nothing seemed to come to his lips. “That’s what I thought,” Johnny said stepping out the door and into the shitty hallway that he’d walk through more times than he knew off the top of his head. His clothes were a mess and so was his hair. He felt gross, but all he had to do was get out the building and around the corner then he’d go into an alleyway and fly home. He cursed as he realized he left his phone in Peter’s apartment. He could just buy a new one anyway, but he couldn’t get calls for a while. He was frustrated and needed to talk to someone so instead of going home he went to Jen’s to tell her what happened. He knocked on her door leaning his forehead against it as hot tears ran down his face and fogged up his vision.

Jen opened it giggling softly at some joke that Johnny hadn’t heard. She saw Johnny’s face and drew him in for a hug. “What happened?” she asked.

“Jen, who’s at the door?” a woman’s voice asked.

“It’s Johnny,” Jen said looking over her shoulder. “Something happened.”

“Okay,” her voice said with only a hint of playful annoyance.

Jen brought Johnny into her apartment. Monica Rambeau was sitting on the couch her legs tucked up against her chest. She was in one of Jen’s robe’s, and it would have been very short on Jen but Monica was much smaller than Jen. Johnny looked between them feeling terrible that he barged in on them.

“I can go if it’s a bad time,” he said rubbing his eyes.

“No, it’s fine,” Jen said sitting next to Monica. “What happened?” Johnny’s eyes darted over to Monica for a second. “Monica’s not gonna tell anyone. She barely knows Spider-Man.”

Monica looked over at Jen. “I’ve hit him before if that makes you feel better,” she said.

“He found out that I told you,” Johnny said.

“Oh, fuck Johnny, I’m so sorry,” Jen said.

Johnny shrugged feeling tired, so tired. “He got angry, and I got angry,” Johnny said for the first time skipping the details, “and I don’t know if he’ll ever want to see me again, and I want to see him again. I think I love him, but I mess everything up.”

“I don’t think you could have because when we were on the Mighty Avengers together he wouldn’t stop talking about you,” Monica said.

Johnny looked over at her hopeful for a second. “He talked about me?”

“Yeah, he was doing a check up on me, and we were talking. And I was talking about Jen and Adam because,” Monica coughed so that they would get the idea, “and he was talking about you. Even I noticed, and I barely know you.”

“Really?” Johnny said smiling for a moment before remembering the fight he and Peter had. His smile faded like someone blew out a candle. “He probably won’t feel that way anymore. I fucked up.”

“Shut up. He’s the one who fucked up,” Jen said. “He’s losing one of the only decent men I’ve ever met in my whole life.”

Johnny smiled. “I don’t think he knows that…”

It was late at night. Johnny was tossing and turning with his sheets pooling around his hips. Johnny didn’t hear the knock on his window, but he did hear someone trying to open it. He lit up the whole room as he burst into flames.

“It's me, flamebrain,” Peter said through the window. “Can you let me in?”

“Go away,” Johnny said wrapping himself up in his sheets and looking out at Peter sticking to his window.

“I need to talk to you,” Peter said.

“Go ahead and talk, but I'm not letting you in,” Johnny said more for himself than Peter.

Peter sighed. “Okay. I deserve this,” he said. Johnny leaned on the wall with his arms crossed as he waited for Peter to start explaining.

“I messed up. I ruined everything we had because I never know the right thing to say, and I never think before I talk,” Peter said.

Johnny slowly opened the window to get a better look at Peter. “Get in,” he said.

Peter slipped inside ripping off his mask as soon as Johnny shut the window behind him. His face was flushed, and Johnny wasn’t sure if it was because of embarrassment or exertion.

“I'm really dumb, Johnny. I don’t know what I have while I have it, and I had you and I ruined it,” Peter said.

Johnny’s brow furrowed. He ruined it? Johnny was the one who ruined it.

“I was really scared,” Peter said, “and I’m still a little scared. But I want you so bad, and I think that’s stronger than how scared I am. I want you to be my boyfriend because I’m in love with you and I think I always have been.”

Tears welled up in Johnny’s eyes. “Why?” he asked.

Peter put his hands on Johnny’s face, and Johnny looked away to wipe the tears that hadn’t fallen yet. “Cuz you’re amazing,” Peter said, “You’re my best friend, and you mean so much to me. You’re so loyal and you’re always so positive and you’re ridiculously handsome. God and your smile is gorgeous and your laugh, god your laugh...”

Johnny looked over at Peter slowly tears refusing to stop falling. “You really mean those things?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Peter said his brow furrowing. “I’m in love you.”

Johnny leaned into Peter’s chest weeping. “I can’t believe you’re saying this,” he said, “I’ve dreamed of you saying this, but now you are and I-”

Peter kissed him delicately. “I want to be your boyfriend,” he said quietly. “I want everyone to see me with you. I want to kiss you in public. I want to-”

“Yes,” Johnny said silencing Peter with another kiss.

Peter laughed wiped Johnny’s eyes. “To which part?” he asked.

“All of it,” Johnny said wrapping his arms around Peter and leaning his head on Peter’s shoulder. “Can you say it again?”

“What?” Peter asked kissing Johnny’s hair.

“That you love me,” Johnny mumbled closing his eyes wishing that this could last forever.

Peter smiled and ran his fingers through Johnny’s hair. “I love you,” he whispered into Johnny’s ear sending shivers down his spine.

“I love you, too.”

Johnny stood outside Jen’s apartment holding a box of chocolate. Jen opened the door staring at him for a moment as he handed them to her and walked inside. “That’s from Peter as a thank you,” Johnny said.

Jen smiled for a moment. “You wanna come in?” she asked jokingly as he took a seat on her sofa.

“Jen, I need to go to a therapist,” Johnny said.

Jen let out a long sigh of relief. “Thank god. I’ve been so worried,” she said hugging him tightly. “I have so many cards and pamphlets for you.”

“What’s therapy like?” he asked his voice shaking for a moment. “I don’t think I’m crazy…”

“And I am?” Jen asked shoving his shoulder softly.

“You were turning into a giant gray hulk,” Johnny said his voice dripping with skepticism

“You were staying in bed for days,” Jen said crossing her arms.

“Okay… Maybe I’m not okay,” Johnny admitted.

“Look, therapy isn’t a magical fix-all for your problems. You’ll have to work to get better, and it’s a lot of work. But it’s a start.”

“I think that’s enough for now.”

#johnny storm #human torch #peter parker #spider-man #spideytorch #Jennifer Walters #she-hulk #monica rambeau #background #monica rambeau x jennifer walters #fic #yeah it's late but that's fine

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chiefbuttons · 5 years

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Happy New Year! Books are the Best!

In 2018 I went to Japan, filled some bookshelves, and read more than the usual amount of literary biographies. In Japan, we navigated the bookstore in which Haruki Murakimi apparently bought his first fountain pen. While there, I bought copies of two of my favourite Japanese books: Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto, and Book 1 (of 6) of 1Q84.

Japanese books are very beautiful, and all very uniform. There were hundreds of book protectors on sale in every bookshop and stationery shop (we went to a lot of those – the Iroshizuku ink was soooo cheap!), I had to remind myself that books in the UK don’t fit into them to stop myself from bringing them all home. Now that I have at least one Banana Yoshimoto book in Japanese, there’s more incentive than ever to try and learn the language. I’ve been thinking a lot this year about how much is lost or gained in translation and what that does to a book depending on the language you read. This Little Art by Kate Briggs is a novel-length essay on exactly this topic, and I read it not long after The Idiot in which the protagonist has a crisis about language and how words can lose their meaning. They fit together very well in my head – both asked and tried to provide answers to questions about translation, like why even do it at all if meaning is going to be lost? Having read Murakami’s most recent book, Killing Commendatore, I’m still not sure if the absence of Jay Rubin as translator is responsible for my disappointment with it, or if it was just a bad book, or if Haruki Murakami has never been that great and it was all Jay Rubin all along.

This Little Art, The Idiot, Shirley and Romantic Outlaws are probably my favourites from this year. Also Daphne du Maurier’s short story The Breakthrough, from Don’t Look Now. Sinister, terrifying, haunting, all words that fall short of describing the atmosphere of that one short story.

I read Shirley after reading Outsiders by Lyndall Gordon. I had tried to read it before and had never been able to get past the first chapter, but something about Outsiders made me want to try again. Reading Outsiders made me realise in a way that I hadn’t before that books written in the last couple of centuries aren’t as far removed from us as I had thought. Previously, when reading books from different time periods, I had become as detached as if I was reading fantasy; I forgot that the stories being told were often very firmly set in social, political and cultural climates that had once existed. It helped me to find ways to empathise with the narrators and the characters, and make them much more human and relatable. While reading Shirley, instead of feeling like the characters and situations were a million miles away, I forced myself to remember that Charlotte Brontë was writing about events that were important to the people in the time she was writing about. Her father witnessed Luddite uprisings. The setting of Shirley with its discussions of workers’ rights and its attacks on mills was as real for Charlotte and her father as Brexit and Trump are for us now.

Turtles All The Way Down – John Green

My Twentieth Century Evening and Other Small Breakthroughs – Kazuo Ishiguro

Manderley Forever: Daphne du Maurier, A Life – Tatiana de Rosnay

Don’t Look Now & other short stories – Daphne du Maurier

Outsiders: Five Women Writers who Changed the World – Lyndall Gordon

Shirley – Charlotte Brontë

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The first time I tried to read Shirley, I struggled to get past the first three chapters. "This is not as good as Jane Eyre or Villette," I thought. And, of course, I was wrong. How did I come to change my mind and try again? It was because I read Outsiders by Lyndall Gordon. It was sometimes difficult to read; lots of what felt like fact-listing, and the events of the five lives studied are not always in chronological order, which would not be a problem if it was made clearer. This made it difficult to get through but did not affect my ability to be grateful for all the new information and the future reading list (I have a charity shop copy of Middlemarch now sitting on top of a book pile, and am searching for some Olive Schreiner). It also provided me with new reasons to persevere with Shirley. Though the Brontë sister included in this book is Emily, not Charlotte, it is impossible to talk about one without mentioning the other. Especially when Charlotte included a characters based on Emily in a novel: Shirley Keeldar and Caroline Helstone. To read someone's fictionalised perception of her sisters' characters, I thought, would be a very strange experience. And it is, it sometimes feels weirdly voyeuristic. In the future we are all in on the secret. A huge theme throughout Outsiders is the rights of women and how their role has changed over time; Shirley is referred to as an incredibly feminist book. And it is. Jane Eyre has nothing on it. Still feminist, but this is in-your-face "what are we supposed to do all day, cook and sew??" "…yes. I hate womenites." So I decided to read it again but placing it as contemporary, rather than viewing it as a relic of the past which I should accept that I can't always understand or relate to. Putting these new perspectives on it has really helped me to get into the book. This is a huge post. Shirley is great. (Also the first time Shirley was used as a female name!) #bookstagram #Shirley #charlottebrontë #outsiders #lyndallgordon #brontë #nowreading

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Feb 22, 2018 at 1:34pm PST

In Search of Anne Brontë – Nick Holland

Moshi Moshi – Banana Yoshimoto

Asleep – Banana Yoshimoto

Valley of the Dolls – Jacqueline Susan

Eleanor and Park – Rainbow Rowell

Winter – Ali Smith

Banshee, Volumes 2 & 5

My Uncle Oswald – Roald Dahl

Young Hearts Crying – Richard Yates

The White Book – Han Kang

Wuthering Heights – Emily Brontë

The Idiot – Elif Batuman

Emily Brontë Reappraised: A View from the 21st Century – Claire O’Callaghan

A Cup Of Sake Beneath The Cherry Trees – Yoshida Kenko

This Little Art – Kate Briggs

The Lonely City – Olivia Laing

The Diary of a Bookseller – Shaun Bythell

Sputnik Sweetheart – Haruki Murakami

A Cat, A Man and Two Women – Junichiro Tanazaki

N. P. – Banana Yoshimoto

Romantic Outlaws – Charlotte Gordon

The Pilgrims – Mary Shelley

Bartleby The Scrivener – Herman Melville

Behind A Wardrobe In Atlantis – Emma J. Lannie

The Hatred of Poetry – Ben Lerner

Convenience Store Woman – Sayuka Murata

Demian – Herman Hesse

Revolutionary Girl Utena 20th Anniversary companion book

The Penguin Book of Japanese Short Stories – Edited by Jay Rubin, Introduction by Haruki Murakami

The Beginning of the World in the Middle of the Night – Jen Campbell

The Tales of Beedle the Bard – J.K. Rowling, Illustrated by Chris Riddell

We went to a talk given by Chris Riddell at Nottingham Trent University. He was answering questions about his work on the newly illustrated Beedle the Bard while drawing for us live. He signed my copy of The Edge Chronicles Maps, and was generally very lovely.

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Tonight we went to see Chris Riddell speaking with Dr Sarah McConnell at Nottingham Trent University. There were live illustrations, and Shauna Shim did dramatic readings from The Tales of Beedle The Bard. I've been reading The Edge Chronicles since I picked up a copy of Beyond The Deepwoods AT THE LIBRARY (libraries, man!), aged 11, and thought it had the best front cover I had ever seen. Now that I'm older, if Chris Riddell has illustrated something I assume it's good and read it. Thank-you @chris_riddell for staying super late after your talk to speak to everyone and sign everything! @ntucreated #nottinghamtrent #illustration #theedgechronicles #beyondthedeepwoods

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Oct 3, 2018 at 2:26pm PDT

Ariel – Sylvia Plath

Charlotte Brontë Revisited: A View from the 21st Century – Sophie Franklin

Killing Commendatore – Haruki Murakami

By The Light of My Father’s Smile – Alice Walker

Agnes Grey – Anne Brontë

Rough Magic – Paul Alexander

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HAPPY FRIDAY GUYS

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Dec 21, 2018 at 1:55pm PST

How To Be Invisible – Kate Bush

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Merry Kate-mas =D

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Dec 25, 2018 at 9:34am PST

Mary Ventura and the Ninth Kingdom – Sylvia Plath

This year I would like to write more about the books I am reading – this blog has been very neglected for the past couple of years! I’ve been occasionally taking part in the Are You Book Enough bookbinding challenge on instagram again. This time last year I was working on the January 2018 theme Darkness. I wrote and illustrated a story called The Black Ribbon. It was inspired by the Tatiana de Rosnay biography of Daphne du Maurier, in which de Rosnay refers to Daphne du Maurier’s depressive episodes as her “black ribbon.” It’s also a tribute to Edward Gorey. I thought his style of illustration would be best suited to the story I was telling, so I had a go at reproducing his style.

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Part 2 of my #AreYouBookEnough January book. Here are all the illustrations and the story I wrote inspired by Edward Gorey, Daphne du Maurier and Tatiana de Rosnay. Please see my previous post for the explanation! #bookart #bookstagram #handmadebooks #illustration #edwardgorey

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Jan 30, 2018 at 1:43pm PST

Another of the books I made this year was a book in a box for the theme Listen. I chose to bind a book of Kate Bush’s Fifty Words For Snow from her song and album of the same name.

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This is my contribution to the August #AreYouBookEnough bookbinding challenge, #listen . I love to listen to music, and Kate Bush is one of my favourites. Why choose Fifty Words For Snow when I could choose any of her songs? Why does it fit the theme best? The song is a list. It's Stephen Fry reciting fifty words for snow – some made up by Kate Bush, some real. She wanted him to be the narrator because people believe the words he says, he is intelligent and speaks with a quiet authority. Hearing him speak her fictional words for snow makes them sound real. Snow itself deadens sound but has sounds of its own; one of the words is "creaky-creaky." I hope whoever looks at my book can hear the snow behind the words. This is the first time I've made this kind of box, and my measurements are a bit off (the lid is loose!) but overall I'm pleased and know what to do better next time! The paper is very fibrous, I wanted something that looked and felt like snow. Both the front cover of the book and the lid of the box are padded. The ink I used to write the fifty words is a mixture of two different inks – white calligraphy ink and a Grey Plum Kwiz ink. I'm going to have to find a way to photograph it properly because it is almost pearlescent! If you hold the paper a certain way it disappears. Hold it to the light and it looks like it is glowing. I'll try and get some video footage of it. #AreYouBookEnough #bookart #handmade #katebush #fiftywordsforsnow #50wordsforsnow #listen #books #snow #music

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Aug 30, 2018 at 12:36am PDT

I will leave you with a picture of the new bookcase. I hope you have an excellent 2019!

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Got a new phone. The cats ran away so I took a picture of one of the bookcases. It's so shiny

A post shared by Adelle Hay (@chiefbuttons) on Dec 6, 2018 at 1:28pm PST

Books I read in 2018 Happy New Year! Books are the Best! In 2018 I went to Japan, filled some bookshelves, and read more than the usual amount of literary biographies.

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swaymarkhugs · 6 years

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ANNNNNND to keep you occupied, all of the even numbers 😘

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Definitely more shy, but I can force myself to be outgoing if I need to be.4. Are you easy to get along with?

I think so! I hope so, anyway. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

My girlfriend. :) People who are genuinely kind, honest, and down-to-earth. It also doesn’t hurt if they’re smart. (Kayla fits all of those). 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

The Boston Bruins (I miss them), my father (he had a skin biopsy and is notoriously pathetic at the doctor’s office), and my gastroenterologist (I’m looking at flights home from school and need to move my appointment)10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My girlfriend. 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

1) Happy Now - Zedd

2) Inside Out - The Chainsmokers

3) Lonely Together - Avicii & Rita Ora

4) Born to Be Yours - Kygo & Imagine Dragons

5) Curious - Hayley Kiyoko

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yes. Because I’ve had both. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Absolutely. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Yeah…they never knew I had a crush on them, so yeah. 20. Do you like your neighbors?

Most of them, yeah!22. Where would you like to travel?

I’d like to go back to some of my favorite spots (Tel Aviv, Vienna, Nuremberg, Paris) as well as go somewhere new (Maldives, Dublin, and so many others that I can’t think of at the moment).24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Eating, and talking to my girlfriend before bedtime. 26. What do you do when you wake up?

Check messages and social media. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My girlfriend and my best friends.30. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes! :)32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I refuse to answer this one publicly. ;)34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Yes. Dressage, skiing, and dance. I used to do all 3 more actively, but rare disease life makes that really hard. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yep. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I’m dating her. She’s sweet, smart, talented, and so, so kind. And she’s pretty damn gorgeous ;) 40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m living it. Went to college, going to grad school for my master’s getting my doctorate, and then hopefully doing what I want to do (being a practicing forensic psychologist).42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m writing, concentrating on something really difficult, or unconscious. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Space? If my body could handle the lack of atmosphere. 46. What are you paranoid about?

That a fire alarm is going to go off at any moment, and that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone…I have major imposter syndrome. 48. Have you ever been drunk?

I have indeed. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

I haven’t been able to wear anything with sleeves in months, so I honestly don’t remember. Pink, maybe?52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I had a normal immune system. Then I could conceivably and safely change other things, like my musculature.54. Favourite store?Oh GOD I tend to hate shopping. I guess anything online? Also, anything relating to equestrian gear. 56. Favourite colour?

Purple58. Last thing you ate?

A peach.60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yes! Dressage. 62. Been arrested? For what?

Thankfully, no. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Supposedly, one of my friends kissed me in preschool. I don’t remember it all that well.

My first meaningful kiss (I’ve had a lot of meaningless ones) was with my girlfriend, and it was actually at Mass General. She met me at the hospital to come with me to one of my appointments, and I ran up to her and kissed her.66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No…I like them all equally.68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr. 70. Names of your bestfriends?

Alison, Emily, Hannah, Jen, Kayla72. What colour are your towels?

They’re all some form of grey/beige

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One, but said pillow is propped up on a wedge so I don’t accidentally aspirate.74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

I don’t know, but I have a lot. 76. What colour is your underwear?

Purple78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Anything involving chocolate, peanut butter, and/or caramel. My favorite in terms of Ben & Jerry’s is Tonight Dough. 80. What colour pants?

I’m currently wearing black shorts. 82. Favourite movie?

Miracle, Top Gun, Moana, and Wonder Woman…I can’t choose just one.84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

21 Jump Street. But I love Mean Girls, too.86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory. She’s very relatable, and very quotable. 88. Last person you talked to today?

Physically, my mom. Via text, Kayla. 90. Name a person you love?

Kayla. 92. In a fight with someone?

Nope.94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

I have absolutely no clue.96. Favourite actress?

Gal Gadot, Lupita Nyong’o, Octavia Spencer, Emma Watson98. Do you tan a lot?

I tan easily, I don’t know about a lot…100. How are you feeling?

Tired, warm, and like my stomach needs to quit its current rebellion.102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Ohhh this is a loaded question. My anxiety says yes, but my anxiety says yes to regretting things all the time.104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Sometimes I miss people I used to be friends with, and people I’m still friends with but never see. Other times, no. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

I don’t know. Maybe?108. What should you be doing?

Packing for going to grad school. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My girlfriend.114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

I have indeed.116. Are you listening to music right now?

No, but I’m watching House Hunters Renovation while I do this and do work.118. Do you like Chinese food?

I do. 120. Are you afraid of the dark?

I’m not afraid of it, per se, but I don’t like being in pitch blackness. 122. Is cheating ever okay?

No.124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yeah!126. Are you currently bored?

Nope. Currently well occupied.128. Would you change your name?

I used to want to, but I like my name now, so I think I’ll keep it.130. Do you like subway?

I do.132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My girlfriend.134. Can you count to one million?

Can I? Yes. Do I want to? No.136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed.138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have a little bit of both. My hair defies logic, but I like it the way it is.140. Summer or Winter?

Uhh, neither. I hate extreme temperatures. I can handle Winter better, but I like Fall the best.142. Favourite month?

April. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk chocolate.146. Was today a good day?

Yeah!148. What’s your favourite quote?

She believed she could so she did. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

Her words made me gloomy.

#bergys #my otter asked me all the things #i love my other half #amanda answers #ask game

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looselucy · 6 years

Photo

June

“Liam, what the fuck? It’s seven in the morning. THE MORNING!” I groaned as he shook me awake. “I didn’t want to see any time before eleven all summer.” “But we have a plan.” He said, too chirpy for such an hour. “Who is we?” “Well, if you opened your eyes you could see.” After one more angry groan, I shot an eye open, seeing Jamie there waving coyly at me, looking just as tired as I was feeling.

I slowly opened my other eye, my brows furrowed low as I glanced between the two of them, confused, waiting for an explanation. “What are you two up to?” I grunted. “We just thought, that our mum, and Jamie’s mum, both need a bit of cheering up. So we thought we could surprise them with a day out, all expenses paid!” He grinned. Suddenly, I was a little more awake. I sat myself upright, rubbing over my eyes and getting used to the idea of having a long day on little sleep. But it would all be worth it. My mum was doing a lot better, but the same couldn’t be said for Jamie’s. Either way, they probably both really needed a day of cheering up. “Shit.” I tried to bring myself to life. “Yeah, definitely. Yeah. What’s the plan then?” “We dunno.” Jamie shrugged. “We thought maybe you’d be able to think of something.” “Yeah, we kind of came to you with half an idea.” Liam sulked. “Half an idea at seven in the morning.” “Sorry.” Liam cringed and giggled. My mind automatically ran back to the day where Niall jumped on top of me and Harry when I was staying with Ben and Kev, saying he was taking us on a day out, which just wound up being a trip to the pub. I definitely didn’t want to take Lisa and Carol to the pub, but I did think about Harry telling me of the other day trip Niall had taken the two of them on. “We should take them to the zoo.” I smiled. “I know it’s a bit of a drive but, that would be good, right?” The two of them smiled wide, seemingly happy with my idea. Or Niall’s idea. Either way, the deal was sealed. + + + Carols wig looked like it was itching. The two women chuckled about some boy they both went out with in school, since they went back years, but all I could do was stare at her fiddling and messing and trying to act casual in that wig. I had to wonder who it was for. I didn’t know if the wig was for her sake, in an attempt to feel normal. Or maybe it was to stop the staring. Maybe the wig was there just to cause an illusion that she was fit and healthy. I guess it just seemed like a facade to me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of Carol seeing her life as a production, a stage show; an illusion she was creating to force normality. I was probably thinking about it too much, really, but I just wanted her to be happy and to not do that typical motherly thing where she felt the need to hold everything and everyone together. I really didn’t want her to be wearing a semblance of a smile to cooperate with her wig. I wanted her to find joy in everything, and I knew, I just knew, she wanted to take that damn wig off. Jamie toyed with his fries as the rest of us tucked into the disgusting fast-food they had available at the zoo, because I think he had spotted the same thing, and he couldn’t really digest because of it. Liam seemed blissfully unaware, asking the two of them about this high school romance they had shared, who was apparently called Keith, which was the only thing that had made Jamie smile in what felt like a lifetime. He was miserable, which was understandable, but not entirely excusable. “So he was dating you both at the same time?” Liam bewildered, a massive smile on his face. “Yeah, that little bastard.” My mum choked through a laugh. “Your dads really just been added onto a long list.” The two older women laughed, and honestly, I had to join in, because it felt so good to hear my mother joking about it and placing herself above him and holding herself so well. Many months had slithered by since she first found out, and of course she was bound to feel better, but I hadn’t seen her like that. Honestly, it felt amazing, and I could see it did for her too. “I don’t want to lower the tone.” Carol said toward the end of her giggle, running her hand through the fake hair once more. “But I cannot believe that Jennifer did that to you.” Liam’s face dropped before mine did, because his penny dropped before mine did. Our mother glanced between our faces before kind of shrugging it off, because the truth had been kept under wraps for long enough, and it was useless carrying that on. I was still trying to figure out what they were talking about. “Yeah well... we were never that close anyway.” My mum shrugged. “I always said she was a bitch.” “Wait-” Liam almost choked on his burger. “It was Jen?” “What was Jen?” I cried. “Who dad was cheating with!” Liam turned to me, before shooting straight back to our mum. “Was it Jen?” Jennifer was a woman we had grown up with. Apparently, at school, it was Lisa, Carol, and Jennifer. Inseparable. My mum and Jen had remained close throughout their lives. Jen even worked with my mum for a while. Carol and my mum started getting closer again when me and Jamie went to college. But my mum and Jen had literally been friends since school. We called her Auntie Jen! I really didn’t want to talk about it, because I could see the pride being washed from my mother’s face, and all the sadness I’d grown accustom to returning. I wanted to keep her happy, but I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She tried to find the right thing to say, breathing and sighing and coughing over the wrong words, until she eventually answered, in the most honourable way she could. “They’re both happy,” She gulped. “And very much in love. So, it’s best to… leave them to it.” I didn’t even know what to say. I wasn’t sure I had anything to say. I was just completely dumbstruck by the whole thing. I’m glad Liam found the words. God, fuck, I was just glad he was around full-stop. “What? How can you speak like that?” He was getting worked up. “After what she’s done? How? What? Do you know how long it was going on for?” “A few years.” “A FEW YEARS?” I steadily put my hand on his knee under the table and squeezed hard, silently hope to spur a calm within him. I was hurting, and I definitely wanted to be yelling with him, but I also wanted to keep the peace, as much as possible. It was a shock to both of us, but the whole point of us being there in the first place was to have a nice day out and forget about the troubles we were going through. “She’s not even worth talking about.” I shuddered. My mum and Carol nodded along confidently, completely agreeing. Liam mumbled an apology, and began tucking back into his food as a way of soothing, placing his hand on top of mine and squeezing tightly. I think that was the first time I realised, that Liam was grateful to have me around, too. + + + The seals had been my favourite so far. There was one seal in particular, who kept spinning around in circles and bobbing its head up and down, who I really loved. I had probably been staring for a good ten minutes. Carol and my mum skipped off with their arms linked over to the reptile house, giggling and giddy with nerves, for some reason. They were only bloody reptiles, behind glass nonetheless, and they had been building up the courage to go in all day. I shook my head and went back to the seal, looking at the little sign ahead of me in the hope that I would be able to differentiate the seals and figure out the name of my favourite. I soon found out he was called Spinny. “Oh my god, yes.” I mumbled to myself. “Best name ever.” “Who’re you talking to?” Jamie appeared over my shoulder. I pointed Spinny out to him, who was still turning round and round, which made Jamie laugh enough in itself before I then pointed out the name. “Best name ever.” I said again. “That’s fucking brilliant.” He was laughing until he started looking around him, searching the area, and I knew he was going to panic before he did, so I cut in. “She’s gone to the reptile house.” I told him. “Is she okay?” “She’s fine. She’s with my mum.” His face dropped again, and he went back to being miserable, like he had been all day. I tried to be both tender and stern as I dragged him over to a bench behind us, ignoring him complaining and asking what I was doing and sitting him down, because I needed to have some calm words with him before his face became a strain on the day. I sat down next to him, and let out a deep breath. I stayed quiet for a while, and we people watched. I smiled at the sight of Liam pulling funny faces at a seal. “I’m the queen of having a face like a slapped arse.” I said from nowhere. “Huh?” “Literally, I’m great at it. There’s this guy at uni, Harry. We’re all good now, but when he first moved in I hated him, and I let it effect me all the time. I went through a stage of being miserable all the fucking time. Didn’t help when my mum told me about the divorce-” “What are you getting at?” He questioned. “A couple of months ago, I decided I needed to cheer the fuck up. To take my happiness into my own hands and sort myself out. Me and Harry are friends. Things with my family are weird, but, they’re okay. I don’t want to spend my time constantly feeling sorry for myself.” I sighed. “You can’t ever forget that your happiness, has a knock-on effect for so many other people’s happiness.” He was nodding, looking around that area rather than look at me, his eyes scanning people as they wandered by. Maybe he was just trying to figure out the message I was giving him, but Jamie had never been the best at reading in between the lines. Even so, it wasn’t that hard to miss what I was saying. It took him a while, but he finally turned to me, which is what I had been waiting for. I guess all those lectures discussing body language had gotten me somewhere, because I knew him turning to me meant he wanted me to continue my tale; he wanted me to make my point, to fully hear what I was trying to tell him. “I know you’re going through a really rough time.” I continued. “But I can’t sit here and say I know what you’re going through, because I don’t. I don’t have a clue how you feel, and I never will. Even so, I just feel like...” “Spit it out.” He smiled after a moments silence. “I can take it.” “You need to cheer up.” I said bluntly. “Be sad. Wallow in it. But come to me, okay? Come to me and cry your heart out, if you need to. But when you’re around your mum, you need to put on a brave face. Because the second you do, it’ll bounce right back onto her. She shouldn’t have to plaster on a brave face for you. She… She needs to do that for herself.” “She doesn’t wanna wear that fucking wig.” He tutted. “I know.” “You think she’s wearing it for me?” He asked. “I dunno. Maybe… Partly.” I shrugged. He nodded. I hated the thought that I had possibly taken that little chat too far or been a little too harsh, but he reacted very well, even better than I expected. He knew exactly where I was coming from, and that I had every good intention under the sun. “I love you, Pippa.” He smiled. “I really fucking do.” “I love you too.” I nudged him. “I’m gunna go find her. I’m also, gunna have a massive smile on my face when I do.” He ruffled my hair before leaping up to his feet, leaving me giggling and trying to sort out the mess on top of my head as soon as he skipped off. He was rolling his shoulders as he disappeared into the darkness of the reptile house, and I could tell he was building himself up for the whole thing. It wasn’t going to be easy for him, but he knew the possible repercussions, so it was worth it. I got to my feet, about to go over to Liam before I noticed he was completely preoccupied with pulling faces at a monkey. I wandered in the complete opposite direction, past the seals, and I was next greeted with a bunch of little penguins all pottering around. Without even giving it a second thought, I took my phone out of my bag, and sent a picture of them to Harry, adding a little message underneath. Me: Lulu and Luke made some friends. These ones aren’t stuffed though... Yet. It sent and I kept my phone in my hand, hoping to have a text back from him within the next few minutes, but Harry did better than that. The continuous vibrating in my hand proved that he had decided to call. “Hi!” I chuckled when I answered. “Are you with penguins?” He cried. “I am with penguins.” I laughed. “WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?” I moved over to the first sign, and saw a bunch of benign information about penguins that I would never remember, before I skipped over to the next, and saw a list of names. “Flip, Flap, Flop, Fish, and Gary.” “Gary?” “Seriously.” I laughed. “You’re having me on?” He gawped. “I’M NOT! Seriously, I’ll send you a picture of the sign!” “Yeah. I need picture proof of that. But don’t hang up! How are you?” The butterflies in my stomach were the most noticeable animals I had encountered all day. I could practically hear the little bastards swarming around in there. I knew the only butterfly Harry was experiencing was the one permanently tattooed to his stomach. “I’m okay. Are you?” I gulped. “I’m great yeah. I’m with Ed! He says hi! Niall says hi too!” It must have been the Ibiza reunion they had planned to do over summer. I was having a wonderful day, don’t get me wrong, but a tiny little part of me wished I was there with them. “I say hi back!” “How come you’re with penguins?” He quizzed. “We’re doing a day out. Jamie brought his mum and me and Liam brought our Lisa so... yeah. It’s supposed to cheer them up.” “Hold on. Just give me a sec.” I could tell he was moving. He was up on his feet and leaving the room, I could tell, and that insinuated to me that he was going to ask me some serious questions, not meant for the innocent ears of Niall Horan and Ed Sheeran. “You there?” I asked. “Yeah, I’m here.” He replied. “How are things?” “They’re okay.” “How’s Jamie? Still annoyingly attractive?” “What?” I giggled, confused. ”Nowt. Is he alright? Is his mum alright?” “Umm. I think so. I think they’re doing well, yeah. They’re both really brave.” “And how are you?” He asked. “You’re pretty brave yourself.” “Shut up.” I laughed to the floor. “My mum is doing loads better, and that’s all that matters.” “You matter.” He prompted. “I wanna know how you are?” I stared at the penguins ahead of me, and all I wanted to think about and concentrate on, was how normal it was for a close friend like Harry to care about me and how I was doing. But everything seemed amplified when it came to him. Every touch and every word became something I couldn’t escape, something I held onto and read into and devoured. It didn’t mean anything but I was convincing myself it did. He just cared, like a friend should. It wasn’t anything more than that. “I’m good, actually.” I rubbed my free hand over my eyes. “I’m... Yeah. I’m good.” “Good!” He laughed, unaware of my turmoil. “It’s hard to be anything but when you’re surrounded by penguins.” “Very true.” I shuddered. “Especially a penguin called Gary.” “Something I’ve yet to experience.” “Someday.” “I’ll have to visit that exact zoo, I imagine. Will you take me?” “Hmm, that depends on how well behaved you are next year.” I smiled. “So what does that mean?” I could hear his grin. “No fights? No shagging girls? No calling you Pip-Squeak?” “To name a few!” I wanted to stay on the phone forever and talk nonsense with him, because I just felt so bloody comfortable being playful with him like that, but in the distance, I saw the whole gang had gathered back together and I was the only one missing. “Hey! Pip! You know what I realised the other day?” “Harry-” “Your mum and dad are called Phillip and Lisa, right?” “I need to-” “And you are Pippa and then there’s Liam.” He carried on. “How cool is that?” “What?” “Two P’s and two L’s!” It was literally my family, and I had never even realised that before. I rolled my eyes, but I had to laugh, because of course Harry would notice something like that. “What is your obsession with names?” I cried. “Just because your family is full of hilarious names and stuff!” I could tell he was smirking. “Look, idiot, I need to go!” I laughed. “I’ll talk to you soon, alright? Have fun at your Ibiza reunion.” “Obviously. I’m already on my second beer. Speak soon, Pip-Squeak.” “Bye.” I hung up quickly, shaking my head at my phone before I tucked it back into my bag and ran over to them, trying to shake the conversation out of my brain, even though I knew that later that night, my mind would run over every single mundane word he had muttered. + + + Zayn: I have about ten million films I need to make you watch when we get back. Me: Will I understand any of them? Zayn: If you don’t then I will gladly explain. They’re no more complicated than a woman kissing and becoming a frog. Me: That’s just logic. That’s why I’ve never kissed a frog. Zayn: That’s the only reason? Me: Pretty much. I love frogs. Zayn: I miss you loads. Less than a month to go! “Are you shagging Zayn?” Katie asked me mid chuckle. “God no!” I shrieked. “You should be!” Sophia added. “Have you seen him?” “If we’re just going off looks,” Katie began again. “Then I say go back to Louis. He is absolutely... wow.” A huge part of me really wanted to tell the girls about how I felt towards Harry. How obviously he was the most attractive one of the lot, and how wonderful and great he was, but something was holding me back. It was the perfect environment for it, really. We were having a girly sleepover, with enough chocolate to feed the five thousand, and they were two girls from home, who were basically impartial to the entire drama that surrounded me and Harry. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew if I told them, it would become even more of a thing. Every time I saw them, or every time we text, they would ask me about it. They would bring it up and quiz me on it and just remind me of my feelings. It would make it ten times harder for me to escape the way I felt, because I would have people reminding me of it. To me, it just seemed better to keep it to myself. “I just want to stay single.” I sighed. “I spoke to some random girl in the toilets of a bar the other month, and she told me about how she got trapped in a relationship and it ruined her time at uni. I don’t want that.” Even saying it out loud, my brain was just screaming, you’re a fucking liar. All I wanted was a bloody relationship. I kept daydreaming about getting back to uni and Harry turning around to me and just saying, lets fucking do it, let’s forget everything that’s holding us back and just be together. It seemed having space from him wasn’t doing me any favours at all, it was just making my imagination run wild. “I think,” Sophia spoke, shovelling M&M’s into her mouth. “When you find the right person, it just happens. Simple as that. I don’t plan on avoiding that just because I’m at uni.” “I totally disagree.” Katie spluttered. “No great novel, was ever about a couple who got together and lived the simple life. I want a fucking novel romance. That’s what I want.” “Any novel about my life would be so boring.” I laughed. “Maybe your novel hasn’t started yet.” Katie shrugged. I didn’t want to start thinking about my life like it was a novel, because I didn’t think I was a worthy protagonist for any kind of story. I went back into my own little world so I could text Zayn back, missing him like absolute crazy, but it was the 21st of June, and that meant the festival was just around the corner, and I would be back to being surrounded by him and all the people I adored from uni. Me: Miss you too! I’m so excited for the festival. Zayn: You’re gunna love it. It’s seriously the coolest place ever. Me: You gunna drive there since you’ve passed your test? Zayn: Yeah buddy! Shall I stay at yours the night before then we can go together? Me: That would be amaaaaaazing! Yessss lets do that! Zayn: Sound. What a plan. “I think you and Zayn are so cute!” Sophia smiled, throwing an M&M at me. “I’m not shagging him!” I cried. “No, I know! I think that’s why you’re cute. He’s literally gorgeous and wonderful and he’s just like, your best mate. That’s it. I think that’s so amazing.” “Turns out he’s gunna come here on the fourteenth. You guys wanna meet him?” They both started squealing about how excited they were to meet him. Katie was basically fanning herself in anticipation. Out of nowhere, I was beaming at the whole idea of me and Zayn. People who say boys and girls can’t be “just friends” are full of absolute shit. Zayn was gorgeous, and kind, and open and beautiful both inside and out. The two of us worked together so well, but I loved him like a brother. Our friendship, was one of the strongest, realest things I had ever experienced in my life. I really loved that about us. We settled into our girly night, and Katie decided we should spend our night having a Sex and the City marathon, which made me think of Tally immediately. I was missing everyone. We powered through the first season in what felt like about ten seconds, but kind of chatting over it and giggling and flapping around over the top of Carrie Bradshaw, and before I knew it, it was midnight, and I was getting a call from Harry Styles. My throat went tight, and I was glad my phone was on vibrate, because the girls didn’t hear it and question it. I stared at his name and the picture of us, the first picture we ever got together just the two of us, in his home town. And I ignored it. Don’t even ask me why. I had spoken with him the day before when I was at the zoo and everything was fine, but seeing his name then, made my stomach flip like crazy, and I just did not feel like speaking to him. My phone vibrated again. Harry: Im guna ring ahain and ypu better answer this time. I locked my phone and glanced between the two girls, who were far too preoccupied to notice how fidgety and off I was acting. “Umm,” I began. “I need to go and speak with Liam. I’ll be back in a minute.” They shrugged off my lie as I darted out of Katie’s bedroom, scuttling downstairs and darting out of the back door. It wasn’t quite as cold as I was expecting it to be, or as cold as I wanted it to be, because at least if the temperature was low that would be a good excuse for my shaking. I didn’t understand how one day I could answer the phone to him and be totally fine, and the next I felt like I was choking on my own admiration for him. My phone started vibrating again, and I answered as quickly as possible before I could convince myself not to. “Hey.” I breathed. “I’M DRUNK AND PRETENDING I’M IN IBIZAAAAA!” I closed my eyes and laughed down to the floor, the distant sound of a familiar song playing on his end of the line, my throat just getting tighter and tighter. “You having fun?” “So much fun, Pip. But Ed just started talking about you and I was like, uh, I haven’t spoke to Pippa in ages-” “I spoke to you yesterday.” “-so I thought I should ring you! Hello!” Drunk Harry was often endearing. He was completely different to Harry on drugs, so much so I could tell automatically that alcohol was the only thing in his system when he called me that night. It was definitely what I preferred. He was cute and happy, whereas when he was on drugs, he usually got into fights, and often had an aura of anger around him. “Hi, Harry.” I giggled. “Are you drunk?” “No. I’m doing a girly night with Katie and Sophia. No wine or anything. Just chocolate and TV.” “And pillow fights and practicing kissing?” He asked hopefully. “Unfortunately not.” I smiled. “Well, that’s okay. You don’t need any practice anyway.” Why did he have to say things like that? To Harry, it was just flirting. He was just teasing, winding me up, trying to get a rise out of me. But to me it was more than that. I felt like such an idiot every single time, and to him it was just normal. “Thanks.” That was the only thing I could manage to spit out. “I have an answer for you, Pip-Squeak.” Sometimes, it just hit me, how much him calling me by that nickname now made me smile, when it used to infuriate me. It had changed. We had changed. I wish I knew the exact moment it switched. I wish I knew the very first time blood rushed to my cheeks rather than my head. “I didn’t realise I had a question.” I choked. “I’ve never let you touch me.” “What?” “Y’know, when we’ve been like… doing the things with our hands. I mean... I never let you suck me off or anything.” Harry was many things, but he certainly wasn’t eloquent. Saying giving him a blow-job would have been bad enough in itself, but saying suck him off was an all new low. I was so baffled by his way with words, it took me a while to take in what he was actually saying. “Umm,” I fumbled over myself. “No. You-you’ve always been a giver.” “Wanna know why?” “I didn’t think there was a reason.” I gulped. “Well there is.” He huffed. “It’s a power thing.” Even hearing him say that, put me down a little bit. The thought of Harry being a giver was a lot nicer than it being down to some weird power issue he had. “I… Okay...” I rambled. “I have to have power. I think... Um… I think, especially when it comes to girls, because… I grew up with a woman who I had no power around. Then, after that, I grew up with two men. I guess I wasn’t even used to women. Not really.” My head was spinning. He was quiet for a short while, maybe waiting for me to say something, or even prompt him to continue, but I didn’t have the stamina. “And then, by the time I even started paying any interest in girls… I guess I had this kinda power over them… because they were swooning over me. They wanted me! Me! I went from having no power, to actually having it and I needed it. I needed that power, and I know it’s because it’s something I didn’t have when I was really young.” I felt like I was going to be sick. I knew Harry. I knew him very well, but it was a rarity that he opened up like that. Especially when it came to the topic of his biological mother. All of a sudden, hearing that it was about power didn’t seem like such a kick in the teeth. He was being painfully honest, about something I doubted he had spoken about before. He didn’t need to tell me either, I wasn’t asking him, I wasn’t bothering him. He was choosing to open up to me. “That makes sense.” I whispered after a while. “And I know you probably think I’m talking shit, because I shag girls and stuff, but… with you it’s different. Those girls… They don’t mean anything to me. But... But you do. I feel like… if I let you be that fucking intimate with me I would... lose that power. It’s fine when I have control over you, and control over your body, but... I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.” My stomach was churning. I couldn’t even take in what he was saying to me, what it meant, but for some reason I felt guilty. “I don’t want you to feel powerless.” My bottom lip was shaking. “Fuck… I’m not even sure that’s what scares me, Pip.” He spoke. “Sometimes I think that I... I would feel… so fucking powerful if I was with you.” I think I knew what Harry meant more than he did. He would feel a loss of power. That would be giving me a piece of him. He was admitting that, between the two of us, it wouldn’t just be some careless act. That scared him; that threatened his power, which was something he had built up alongside his confidence that had grown from nothing over the years. But for the same reasons, for the fact that it wouldn’t be something so frivolous between us, would be the same thing that made him powerful. To share in that act, and actually have it mean something to him, for the first time in his life. I knew at that point, too. If me and Harry were ever going to take that step we had avoided, and sleep with one another, it would be the least casual thing. It would be intense and gut wrenching. It was a paradox. It would make him feel powerful at the same time as being powerless. “I’m sorry.” He laughed after my long silence, then sighed heavily. “I’m talking complete shit. I’m sorry, I’m so fucked, Pip-Squeak. I’m wasted. I’m sorry.” “Yeah.” I mumbled. “Um, I better go. I need to… get back. Ed just appeared in the doorway and tapped his imaginary watch. He thinks I speak about you too much. Little shit. Alright, I’ll probably text you tomorrow about how rough I am.” “Okay.” I shuddered. “Have fuuuuuun. Bye, Pippy. Bye.” I would usually reply by saying a million goodbyes myself, never really sure which goodbye should be my last, but I didn’t say a word, I just put the phone down. And for some reason, I cried.

#this is the last one for a while now #I'm busy every fucking day and don't have the time sooo #lap it up #enjoy it #talk to me about it #and thank you for reading #BB31 #1dff #Harry Styles

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susanwardmegsunsetbeachfans · 3 years

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BEST & WORST HOST: RAYNE ALBURQUERQUE

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SUNSET BEACH BEST MEMORY

BEN...OR BEN??

WRITTEN BY: Megan Although practically every episode of Sunset Beach is fantastic, there is one that sticks out in my mind. It includes my favorite ending/beginning, as well as one of my favorite scenes ever. When Derek captured Meg and took her to the cabin impersonation Ben, Meg finally figured out that "Ben" wasn't Ben and that he was in fact, "dead". As Derek raised the knife over Meg's head, he said something to the effect of, "Now you can die too, and join your precious Ben". Just then, Ben walked in the cabin door. Derek and Meg stare at him in shock and Ben simply says, "Never say die, brother". This was my all time favorite ending I think. Then the next day, Ben and Derek both fought to the point where they both looked exactly the same, scratch for scratch. While they were n the cliff, standing together, Meg had to decide who was who. They both tried to convince her that they were the real Ben, and of course, because of her connection to him, she picked the right one. This was perhaps one of my favorite scenes. It showed the connection of Ben and Meg put to the test. I will always remember it.

ANNIE'S DREAMS

WRITTEN BY: Jen Annie's daydreams were so hilarious! I really loved them and i will miss them a lot. My favorite daydream she had was when she woke up in a bed with all those other people.. It was so funny!!

ANTONIO & GABI -- CAVE - IN

WRITTEN BY: Debz This was the sweetest! I was so upset Gabi left alone! They were the perfect couple and even though the show is over, they'll always be a super couple in my eyes. A & G 4eva

TERROR ISLAND

WRITTEN BY: Avril Raffan I loved the part when Ben escaped and tried to rescue meg especially when Ben and Derek were on the edge of the cliff and meg had to pick which one was Ben.

TERROR ISLAND

WRITTEN BY: SB Fan I really liked Terror Island (even though Mark died!) because the whole thing was a mystery and I liked seeing everybody scream from getting so scared.

ANTONIO & GABI

WRITTEN BY: Silva The best memory of Sunset Beach was when Gabi and Antonio made love in the rubble!

GREGORY & OLIVIA

WRITTEN BY: Elin The Best Time On The Show Was When Gregory & Olivia Were A Couple. Every Scene With Them Was A Lot Of Fun To Watch! Sam And Lesley-Anne Are The Best!

BEN AND MEG

WRITTEN BY: Rebecca Jones Need I say more? I live in the UK so I haven't seen the last episode but those two are destined to be together and we love 'em for it!

MY PERSONAL FAVE SB MOMENTS

WRITTEN BY: Denise Starting with... #10: Sara comes to town. #9: Maria and Annie finding happy endings. It's great to see them happy. #8: All of the fantasies. #7: Ben and Meg's wedding reception! That was cool! (Especially that cheesy bouquet throw! Hehehe...) #6: That pop-up thingy when Virginia handed Vanessa the turkey baster. That was comedy. #5: Shockwave! I think the writers loved it so much, they named a restaurant after it! (Hehe) #4: Casey and Sara hooking up. #3: Anything to do with Casey and Sara. #2: The final episode. And my number 1 fave Sunset Beach moment is (drumroll, please): #1: Casey and Sara getting engaged! (I bet you saw that coming! I am a HUGE Casey/Sara fanatic!) I still watch it like, 20 times a day! Oh and I have just a little something to say: I wrote a fanfic 2 years ago on Casey and Sara (that's when they were still friends!) and in the end there was a double wedding: Michael, Vanessa, Casey, and Sara. Just one question: HOW CLOSE WAS I IN PREDICTING THE ENDING????

MICHAEL AND VANESSA

WRITTEN BY: Kitty My all time favorite Sunset Beach scene was when Michael was getting ready to propose to Vanessa, (sometime within the last few months.) Vanessa opened the door in her robe & had some sort of gross face stuff on. She saw Michael, gasped, and quickly closed the door. Michael just kind of stood there like "what just happened??" They were so cute! :)

MARIA GETS EVEN

WRITTEN BY: Candy I loved it when Maria got to wallop Tess. After all she was put through by Tess and Derek, I thought it fitting Maria was the one who got to deck Tess.

"FANTASIES"!!!

WRITTEN BY: Kathy L. God, I MISS this Soap! The best parts in my opinion were the "fantasies". You remember, Sara as the "Pitiful Looser" in the "Friends" fantasy, her finding Casey and Meg in the shower together, and who could forget her stroll with Casey to the Theme of the "Mary Tyler Moore Show". Then of course there was Annie and her Daydreams. "Awesome Annie" to the rescue! Whether she was doned in whipped cream, Secratarial garb, Nurse's Uniform, or Cat Suit, she really new how to make me laugh. Just as the movie "Grease" was making its comeback to the theaters, SB came up with a similar fantasy involving Katlin, Cole, Trey, and Annie. The songs used made a big impact on the storylines. I loved every Ben/Meg Melodious Interlude. Now when I hear a song on the radio, nine times out of ten, it will remind me of SB. I loved the humor all of these actors put into their roles. I thank them for all their hard work, and joy they gave their viewers. SB FOREVER! :)

LEGEND OF SORTS

WRITTEN BY: Janice A wise woman once said (Elaine) that as the Santa Ana winds kick in and the sun begins to set and the first person you meet on the far side of the pier is the one you are destined to be with. At that moment. I had fallen in love with this couple. It was love at first site. Both Ben and Meg have withstand the test of love and overcome orchestrations of jealous minds, past, and the present. Which lead them to a place- Palm Springs. Although the intent of who was suppose to be there and why. I loved the way it turned out. Ben and Meg ended up in a romantic casita and true love was tested once again. Also, how can you forget the wedding. I loved the first one. Each words that were exchange were beautifully sang. These two are two star-crossed lovers that had rode to a place that most soap couples have never rode before. The rode to happy-endings. So if you believe in someting, believe in it. For dreams do come true like it did for Ben and Meg. They are a legend of all sorts.

COLE AND CAITLIN

WRITTEN BY: JC Fan I liked it when Caitlan confronted Cole about sleeping with her mother. I enjoyed watching her scream at him. Kam Heskin did a great job! It was an exciting scene to watch. It was one of my favorites. (Besides Terror Island!!)

JUDE AND ANNIE MAKE LOVE

WRITTEN BY: Amber Sukhdeo For a while , Sunset Beach wasn't that steamy, and then they showed these two cuties making love. That was great, it was soo steamy, and romantic, and I am happy they ended up together.

SB'S OUTDOOR SHOOTS

WRITTEN BY: SB Fanatic Sunset Beach, among a lot of other special attributes embodied one in specific that no other show in daytime will ever have again. And that is it's frequent outdoor location shoots at Seal Beach, etc. Even if it were just two characters talking as the waves crashed on the shore, or Gregory being chased by Cole on the pier, only to fall to his "doom" this show pulled out all the stops. And don't forget Madame Carmen killing the archbishop in her corvettet was it? I dunno, all I know is that scene was made all the more better with the actual usage of a real car and setting. Or what about Meg's fall off the pier on the very first episode? Or when Annie jumped off the lifeguard tower? Who can forget the surf central playing football on the beach on Thanksgiving of'97? *sigh* This is one of MANY other things I will sadly miss about this great show...

BEN & MEG

WRITTEN BY: Emma I'm a viewer in England and haven't yet seen the ending, but I've heard what happens. I love the story with Ben and Meg, it's what hooked me to the show and I'm releaved they get together in the end, even though I think Maria was great Ben and Meg were destined to be together, I'm a true romantic and glad it's a happy ending.

MARIA AND ROSS ENGLISH

WRITTEN BY: Rayne I will never forget the scene where Maria met Ross English and she realized that her mother's prediction was right. The look on her face is forever etched in my mind. For an actress to portray such emotion is a sure sign of talent and Christina Chambers went all out. You could see all of Maria's thoughts in that look. She knew that everything would be alright and that she would find love with someone else: Ross. It was so perfect, I watched that scene several times after the show finished. I just wish we could have seen their relationship develop.

ANNIE FINDS LOVE IN JUDE

WRITTEN BY: Christina Annie and Jude are the best couple ever! I always thought that Annie needed a love intrest that loved her back! And then Jude came to town and even saved her the first day she came to town. Not to mention that great twist, he's an FBI! That is so perfect. Annie has always been my favourite character and her fantasies were soooooo cool! Nothing can replace Sunset Beach ever! I just won't be able to feel the same about any other soap or show. I mean the Sunset Beach characters were so thrilling. Even when I hated their character, I still liked it. And the actor or actress. I learned that when Meg left. Nobody could replace her fully. I'm gonna help find a way to bring Sunset Beach back. SUNSET BEACH FOREVER!

BEST WEDDINGS

WRITTEN BY: Andrea On of my best memories on Sun were Caitlin and Coles wedding,and Ben & Meg's 1st wedding, I just loved the look on everyones face when Maria caught the bouquet and when Meg realized Dana was Maria.

GABI & ANTONIO

WRITTEN BY: D.L.Roberts-Jones I just couldn't stand it, the suspense was killing me. The look on Ricardo's face when he saw the video tape of Gabi and Antonio making love...OOOH!! I couldn't wait until he confronted them.

LAST EPISODE

WRITTEN BY: Emma I think that the last episode was one of the best, I saw it wen I was in Florida over New Year's, but I live in Sweden so we haven't seen it here yet, it is the Ben/Derek period, and Shawn Batten has just arrived as Sara...

ANNIE

WRITTEN BY: Holly I live in the UK so SB hasn't finished yet but when it does, i will never ever forget Annie. Her plotting and scheming, her lying and tormenting, but most of all her daydreams. Who can ever forget Six in a bed, The Wizard of Oz or her fantasies of Olivia being drunk. My personal favourites HAVE to be Search for Dignity and Awesome Annie. Sarah Buxton was the best actress on Sunset Beach and Annie was the beast character!

ANNIE

WRITTEN BY: Heather I will really miss Annie, i think her character was great! She really made me laugh, everything she done was soo enjoyable to watch. She's made me believe that nothing is impossible to do!! C'mon, she's done it all hasn't she :)

GREGORY AND OLIVIA

WRITTEN BY: Natalia All the times that Gregory's love for Olivia shone through everything else. Her and caitlin were the only people he ever really loved... bless his little heart. Loadsa Luv Natalia xxx

GABI AND ANTONIO

WRITTEN BY: Andrea My best memory is of gabi and antonio making love in the cave.that scene was so real and intense...

DEREK AND BEN

WRITTEN BY: Ona I live in Finland so I haven愒 seen all the episodes yet. In Finland Maria has just move in with Ben and Meg and I hate it because I hate Maria. My fav scene was when Meg realise that Derek wasn愒 Ben and thought that Ben was dead and then Derek tried to kill her and Ben walks in. It was so great scene!!!!! my worst was when Maria came to Ben and Meg愀 Wedding.

THE BEST TIMES OF SUNSET BEACH

WRITTEN BY: Sara 10. Gabi and Ricardo's wedding 9. Annie's fantasies 8. The girls sing karoke 7. Rosario Madonna 6. The cave in 5. Who Shot Francesca? 4. Maria catches the bouquet at Ben and Meg's wedding 3. Ricardo proposes to Gabi 2. Terror Island 1. Shockwave

ROSARIO JEWELS WORTH PENNIES

WRITTEN BY: Kevin It started out with potential. A guilty Francesca wanted to return jewels she had stolen from Antonio in Rosario. Then, it all went bust. First, Amy's dad turns into a mummy, and Brad, Emily, Sean and Amy sneak into the house as if they are in an episode of Scooby-Doo. Then Annie almost chokes wearing the necklace, Hiliary mummifies, characters prematurely age, then Caitlin turns "demonic" ala "days of our lives" Marlena. It just didn't work. Worse, it did not make sense. They claimed that ANYONE who touched the jewels would begin to age, and most did but others didn't. Why didn't Cole, Annie, Olivia, and others age?? It was inconsistent and ineffective.

THE FINAL EPISODE

WRITTEN BY: Kevin The final episode of SB was great. After all the chaos in the city, everyone ended on a happy note (well, except Gregory). I wasn't sure what to expect, but I really enjoyed the conclusion. My only disappointment was that I did not get to see the characters all huddled together for a goodbye before the credits rolled. Since it had such a short run, maybe a network like E! or USA will buy the rights for syndication!!

DEREK

WRITTEN BY: Hazel The best thing about Sunset Beach has got to be the Terror Island storyline and anything to do with Derek and although he was really evil he was so funny he made Ben look boring. To see everybody scared out of their wits on the Island was brilliant I will never forget Meg in the kitchen when Derek came through the door with the mask on and she screamed her head off. She has to be the best one at that apart from Maria when she remembered falling off the boat in the grotto with Ben that was classic. Sunset Beach has done many great things but the twin storyline will always be the greatest closely followed by B and M wedding when Maria caught the flowers. It's just a shame Derek had to die!!

BEN'S REACTION AT 1ST RECEPTION

WRITTEN BY: Andrew I thought it was so funny when Ben told Ricardo and Tyus to get the hell off him because Maria was his wife right in front of Meg. it was hilarious to see her reaction.

DEREK GETS IT!!

WRITTEN BY: Chris Shaw My best memory was when Ben finally got rid of Derek once and for all!

MEG VS ANNIE

WRITTEN BY: Scott The best scene ever in SB was when Annie and Meg had there first fight, over Marias diary. It was so funny when they started smashing things and trashing Bette's house.

REUNION AT THE CASITA (Ben & Meg)

WRITTEN BY: ForeverBenMeg What can I say but that's my all time best memory.Clive & Susan were never HOTTER than they were then.Ben was so in love with Meg and Meg was so in love with Ben.They set that little Castia on fire with their passionate love making.

KANSAS

WRITTEN BY: Pamela When Ben went to get Meg back in Kansas had to be one of my all time favourites.He looked so gorgeous when driving up to her house in those sunglasses!!!

BEN/MEG

WRITTEN BY: Annie I love them together! Their chemistry in front of the camera was fantastic! Good job Clive and Susan!!!!

BEST:WICKED MEMORY

WRITTEN BY: Sandra Dawes The best memorie of sunset beach was When Meg,Sean,K.C,and co were on that dangerous island and Derek was wearing a mask killing and scaring everyone.The best bit was when Tim heard Mathews last words"It was Ben".THAT WAS CLASSIC.It's not fair don't America know that the British LOVE Sunset Beach.

ANNIE AND JUDE

WRITTEN BY: Sam Out of all the romantic couples, Annie and Jude were unable to live out their romance to the extent Ben and Meg did. I was really upset that there were not more scences of them together. I also did not like it that the SB writers gave Annie a love interest when the show was ending... that was not fair and I will always view them as the best couple of Sunset Beach even though it was short. Their romance was the best memory I could ever recall from Sunset Beach.

BEN AND MEG MARRY

WRITTEN BY: Michelle I think that the best memory is the last episode when Ben and Meg married although every episode was great they deserved to be together at the end. After all that they have went through the were my favorite actors and the best couple.

MA' FAVOURITES

WRITTEN BY: Emma My Favourite memories from SB is(I live in sweden, so I have just seen until Maria screaming and wake up at Cedar Oaks, And Derek and Ben falled out from the cliffside. But I saw the last episode when I was in Florida over new year's)

#10 Meg finds out that ben is SB. #9 Gabi and Antonio are in jail and talking about eeeh...hair? #8 When Vanessa "pignose" Dorman was�'nt in the show anymore! #7 When everyone tried to speak with an kansasaccent in the last episode. #6 Ben's proposal to Meg #5 Maria sneaks in to Tims room at cedar oaks. #4 Meg has some flashbacks of her and ben, after she founded the ashes. #3 Meg finds out that "Ben" is Derek. #2 Annies dreams, of course! #1 well...the last episode???

My number 1 worst memory:Marks dead. Was it only me who cried back then?

Best storyline:Terrror Island! Of course!

THE WHOLE PACKAGE BABY!!

WRITTEN BY: Jennifer I agree with just about everyone here. I am 18 and have never been hooked on any soap opera in my life until the day I watched "Sunset Beach". This show has brought tears to my eyes and laughs from my heart. I love each and every character and actor/actress from the show. I only wish that Sunset Beach WAS a nominatee for "Best New Daytime Drama" or whatever. One reason why this was a wonderful soap is because most people I went to high school with always knew about it because it attracted a younger audience to it. I feel that Sunset Beach would have gotten higher ratings if they had moved it to 3pm. I started watching it when "Terror Island" had started in Dec 97. From then on all the scandals, scheming, and stories kicked a$$! I fell in love with Antonio (Nick Kiriazis). He has like the best personality that I'd ever look for in my "perfect man". Plus he's fine as hell- but that's a different story. Also, I'd like to mention that everytime I watched the show, I felt like I was actually in it which drew me deeper into the plots. I've always been an inspiring actress and I wanted to get a role on the show (Looks like my chances of that happening is slim to none.) I truely wish that it can be brought on the air again cuz a lot more people would watch it. (Like my friends and I that graduated) =) My favorite charcters are Antonio (of course), Francessca, Annie, Carmen, Ricardo, Maria, Sara, & Skip (the dog). My favorite storyline was The Shockwave and The Rasarro Jewels cuz that's when everyone was together. Now about that whole Antonio/Gaby thing. I feel like the story should have gone this way. Antonio started having feelings for Gaby but Gaby is already commited to Ricardo. BUT! In walks this beautiful 5'4, asain model Jennifer. (Yep, that's me). Antonio and Jennifer went to high school together and they were first loves. Jennifer went to Paris to pursue a modeling career which didn't take off as well as she had hoped so she returns home to Sunset Beach. They fall in love again, Antonio leaves the priesthood, they get married, and Gaby had Ricardo. Well, all's I gotta say is that I really fell for Sunset Beach and all the characters in it. If anyone wants to write me and talk about Sunset Beach then feel free to email me at [email protected] Love, Jennifer

SUNSET BEACH WILL BE #1 FOREVER!!!!!!!

WRITTEN BY: Lea I still remeber how Ben and Meg fell in love, it was so sweet! They went through all these hardships but in the end they made it through and really got married. I will never forget this show and I will never ever dedicate myself to another soap. NBC and UPN20 should bring back Sunset Beach. We don't know if Gabby and Antonio will get back together, or how Annie and Jude will turn out. Come on you guys BRING BACK Sunset Beach, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEG AND BEN FOREVER!!!!

WRITTEN BY: S.B fans We have been watching Sunset Beach for 2 years now, and we love it more than ever! We live in norway so it's still going..:) here are our Best memories: #1.Ben and Meg's wedding (except from the part where Maria showed up) #2.Meg punching Annie in the face. #3.The old caitlin #4.when Michael proposed to Vanessa #5.The horror island #6.Michael finds out the truth about Virginia #7.The earthquake and the tidlewave #8.when Ben was rescued from Derek and the whole truth came out #9.Ben finding Meg, and realizes that she's the one he loves #10.Before Caitlin forgave her horrible "daddy".. #11.Emily and sean getting together #12.when Meg and Ben finds out that Annie and Tim have been trying to break them up! #13.when the Richards family lived happely together #14.When everyone finds out that Dana really is Maria! #15.When Ben comes visiting Meg and her family in Kansas, and they dance "country-style" Ben and Meg rules, down with Maria!!!

EVERYTHING

WRITTEN BY: Anna I used to hate soaps a couple of years ago. I thought they were cheesy and just plain dumb. Then one day I was bored and was flipping through the channels and saw a blond girl looking at a baby's grave and say, "Nobody will ever know that there's no baby inside that coffin." Yikes! I continued watching that episode, and before you can say scandolous I was hooked. I continued watching Sunset Beach until they took it off my NBC affilates. Even though I didn't get to see the last month, that soap introduced me to a whole new kind of television. What wasn't there to love about Sunset Beach? There were sexy guys(and to a raging hormonal 14 year old girl, that's sweet!), nice clothes, beautiful houses, weddings (almost), the bitches you love to hate, and Kathleen Noone! The only bad thing I would have to say about Sunset Beach is that it got cancelled. Good luck to all of the former cast members, and thank you for entertaining me for 1 hour, 5 days a week, for a 1 1/2 year.

BEN AND MEG IN THE CAVE

WRITTEN BY: Sam I have to say the time I laughed a lot was when Ben called Meg, Maria in the cave after they made love. Sorry Ben and Meg fans but that was a very good storyline. That was my favorite moment of the Ben and Meg history.

ANNIE AND JUDE

WRITTEN BY: Sam I have to say Annie and Jude gave off the most chemistry in my eyes. Their wittty lines and stares towards each other were amazing. I wish SB would have brought the whole Annie and Jude storyline earlier. Their romance only appeared on screen for a very short while and the couple was only introduced for 5 months. I am really disappointed that I was unable to see them more. I sometimes wonder if the show was stilling running... what would it be like? Will they be together? So many questions that could have been answered if only NBC let SB stay on the air. ANNIE AND JUDE WERE THE BEST COUPLE OF DAYTIME TV. That is all I have to say.

EDDIE CONNORS

WRITTEN BY: James Who can forget Eddie comming back to Sunset Beach after stealing the Deschanel jewels, dressing up in drag looking a lot like Olivia, it was the funniest moment on the show ever. Long live Sunset Beach

SUNSET BEACH - A POST MODERN SOAP OPERA

WRITTEN BY: Robert Rimmer Well it finished this week in the UK, and my Saturday's will be emptier without the first soap I've ever seen that played around with every rule of soap opera. What made it stand alone was it's consistent use of fantasy sequences to explore characters inner turmoil/lives - the chess scene/Jerry Springer/ even the Kansas dream. Also the visual/verbal references to other shows - in particular all of Sarah's TV dreams - from FRIENDS to CHARLIE'S ANGELS. The BEACH had style, wit and irony, to some it was just a soap, to me it was something special in the history of TV.

EVERYTHING BUT CAITLIN, SEAN, EMILY, AJ AND OF COURSE VANESSA AND MICHAEL

WRITTEN: Yvonne I didn't start watchin till August 98 and before had all I thought about this show was what absolute trash.But that soon changed.One of my favs was when "Ben" and Meg were at the cabin and she found the real Ben's "ashes"- Classic. As well as that when Maria walked in on Ben and Meg's wedding, you've got to love the way they made those flowers fly. And of course who can forget Sara and Annie's fantastic fantasies. Oh SB you will be missed!!

BEN AND MEG

WRITTEN BY: Helen B Once upon a time there were three little girls.... - excellent dream sequence Sara, right up there with Annie's numerous fantasies. I loved the entire show, but my fav was the heart-wrenching scene after Ben and Megs first wedding where Meg crys her heart out to Casey - sooo sad! Also that Meg and Ben end up together and the whingy Maria with her intensely overused "deer caught in headlights" look doesn't get Ben. Also Ben in v-neck jumpers, and Father Antonio in anything. God, I'm going to miss this soap!!!

BEN AND MEG IN KANSAS

WRITTEN BY: Lynn My all time favorite SB moment, was when Ben went to Kansas to find Meg. The episode that showed him driving away without her, broke my heart. I kept thinking how can she let him go.

THOSE CHEESEY MOMENTS!

WRITTEN BY: Matthew Robinson Here's my top 3! #3 AJ full stop, he is a cheese! #2 The final episode, it was good, but it would have been better if Annie could find her true love, but still HATE olivia. #1 The rosario jewels ending! who could forget that final moment in the church, everyone's wrinkle (ha ha) fade and emily can see, topped off with a cast shoot lokking outside, it's snowing! what a miracle!

ANNIE

WRITTEN BY: Matthew Annie was just soooo funny.Who can forget her daydreams with Olivia dressed up as Cruella De Vill. I say bring her back.

WELL DONE HANK CHEYNE

WRITTEN BY: Naomi Miller The best moments of Sunset Beach were the very last few episodes when Ricardo confronted Gabi and Antonio, and then when he and Antonio made peace with each other it actually had my in tears, Hank Cheyene portrayed Ricardo in a way I've never seen before and I will never forget that I say well done to Hank !!!

SUNSET BEACH WORST MEMORY

AND IT JUST KEPT GOING...

WRITTEN BY: Claire My worst memory? The number of times someone would say, 'I have to tell you what's going on', at which point you just knew it wasn't going to be told. The way story lines were dragged out way past their sell-by dates was frustrating, but funny as well.

WHO SHOT FRANCESCA?

WRITTEN BY: SB Fanatic What started out as a promising murder mystery with a potential for countless of storyline plot twists went down the drain. From the shooting to Francesca in a cat suit outfit being dragged all over by drunks to being mistake for a stripper and popping out the cake, I was impressed and anticipated how this story would unfold. Then it fizzled. The story was lame, dry and did nothing but bored me to tears. It wasted months on nothing, put Caitlin in jail for weeks for nothing...and what's worse made Gregory a killer! UGH!

THE LAST SHOW-THE WEDDING OF BEN AND HIS PARAMOUR, MEG

WRITTEN BY: Louise Gebauer The writers chose to ignore the fact that the tide had changed, and the viewers chose Maria. Ben an Meg used and abused her constantly. The writers must be high school boys, because they changed Ben into a "dog". Meg slept in Maria's' house, in Maria's' Bedroom, in Maria's bed, with Maria's husband, AND MARIA SLEPT IN THE NEXT BEDROOM. Plus many more indignities, and we Maria fans never saw any paybacks. The whole thing became ridiculous, as they tried to please the teeny-bopper audience. That is why the show went down.

BYE-BYE FRANNY!!

WRITTEN BY: Bobo It's funny but this was also one of my favorite moments of Sunset Beach. That moment would be Francesca's murder. I watched SB on and off but really got hooked permanently the week of Francesca's murder. Now of course this was my worst memory because this meant the demise of good ole Franny. I always hoped that Lisa Guerro Cole was going to return but she didn't and in my opinion Sunset just was never the same without her. She really added something special to the show...fun.

THINKING OUT LOUD

WRITTEN BY: Anna Everyone's thinking out loud all the time, even if it is their darkest secrets. The worst was when Derek was planning to kill Meg, and he was at Ben's house with Meg and Joan. They were talking about the wedding to be, and Meg and Joan decided to rush out and do some shopping. Before they had closed the door, before they had gotten out, Derek said, real loud: "No Meg, there's not going to be a wedding!! - unless I can get those passwords from my brother Ben" It's just soooooo bad.

ROSARIO JEWELS

WRITTEN BY: Scott This was the most unrealistic storyline ever used in SB. The ending to this storyline was too happy, it would have been more fun if Cole and Francesca hadn't managed to return them in time.

BEN AND MARIA 4EVER

WRITTEN BY: Hazel Although here in Britain we still have a month to go. I know Ben and Meg get to together. I am so mad at the writers for doing this. They could have done so much with the storyline especially when Ben was remembering his life with Maria it was so stupid that him and Meg getting together at Palm Springs. After all the mucking around with this storyline the writers should have let Maria get with Ben. Has everyone forgotten that Maria was Ben's one true love miles before Meg. Although I will miss Sunset Beach I will be forever mad that two people who were so obviously meant to be never got together. BEN AND MARIA

RUN BEN RUN

WRITTEN BY: Amber My worst memory is after Ben ran into Meg, and they made love in that casita. It was disgusting to me, because Maria would have been worried sick about him, if she had not been distracted with the fact that he brother was in the hospital. It proved to me that Ben and Meg are both selfish, while Maria stands in a class by herself, and is truly amazing... :o)

THE TURKEY BASTER

WRITTEN BY: Johannes It was the worst Storyline. I wish it never happened! Everything in it was bad

MARIA

WRITTEN BY: Kay From the day she showed up, I have hated her. In my opinion, Maria was the downfall of SB. She was whiny and had no backbone. For all of you Meg-haters out there, who was the one who had the courage to walk away from a man who was not treating her right? Meg. Maria stayed around like a stray puppy waiting for a bone. If I was her I would never want to stay in the house with my husband who was obviously in love with someone else. It also annoyed me that she was constantly threatening Ben or Meg to get her way. She weaseled her way back into that house by telling Ben that she would take Benjy if he didn't let her stay there. She overdramatized everything and if there is one good thing about SB being cancelled, it is that I will never have to see her again. *Ben & Meg Forever!*

GABI & ANTONIO

WRITTEN BY: Elizabeth How many times did we hear "we can't let Ricardo find the tape of us making love" or see a "cave in" flashback? I was so glad to see that die down.

THE JEWELS WHICH LED TO A MURDER

WRITTEN BY: Jay What ran from Halloween with Annie choking on a necklace at a party to Christmas with wierd spiritual things happening in a rather bizzare re-union of characters from Amys father going from being dead to alive. It really took the soap to its lowest level. Ok so everyone knows its far fetched but lets have things that could potentially happen. I feel this marked the axe on the soap, it just took so long for producers, directors and other memebers of the cast to fight back, and finally they lost.

TOP 5 WORST MOMENTS

WRITTEN BY: Sara 5. Dominique Jennings left the show 4. Lisa Guerro Coles left the show 3. Eddie Cibrian left the show 2. Ricardo tell Gabi that she was a whore 1. Ricardo and Gabi not ending up together

(If you can't tell I'm a Ricardo and Gabi fan all the way!)

DEREK AND MARIA'S DISGUSTING ROLLS IN THE HAY!!!!

WRITTEN BY: ForeverBenMeg Well after her quickie with Ben which made me sick her rolls in the hay with Derek were just as bad made me sick to watch.I felt bad for Derek/Clive who looked pyhically ill.I would have rather seen Derek and UNMEG doing it then Derek and Maria.

WORST "LOVE SCENE" (IF YOU COULD EVEN CALL IT THAT) IN HISTORY

WRITTEN BY: Isis Maria and Ben at the deep hands down, I had to turn of the show for good while until Derek came on the scene again and made everything right again. Thank you Derek for showing everyone once and for all how deep Maria's love for Ben really was.

DAX GRIFFIN IS A "TOP OF THE LINE" THESPIAN

WRITTEN BY: Achee' Dax Griffin is one of the finest actors that I have ever seen on TV, Movies, or theatrical pieces. The show made a critical mistake for not ever making such an incredible thespian, like Dax Griffin, an intrical part of the day to day drama. It is typical of daytime television execs to hold back such an incredible talent. Dax Griffin, salut.

MARIA COMING BACK

WRITTEN BY: Paul Thats easy Maria, she spoiled Ben and Meg relationship. It was so ovious Ben loved Meg, and just hung around like a bad smell.

At least Ben and Meg ended together, there love for each other was amazing.

I really love Meg and i so happy, she found Ben again, and defeated that witch Maria.

THAT TERRIBLE VIRGINIA

WRITTEN BY: Carin I think that the worst thing in the whole story of sunset beach is virginia... I hate her so much:

1. trying to take michael away from Vanessa. 2. going to the witch putting the horrible desiese on Vanessa 3. lying to Michael so he can't keep on looking for her. She's just disgusting!

MEG

WRITTEN BY: Elissa I am sorry but since I have watched Sunset Beach I have disliked Meg immensely. Someone said Maria was whiny with no backbone. Excuse me but who was the one always whining and complaining about Ben and everything else and always saying I'm fine when it was obvious she wasn't. Maria and Ben belong together. Maria is the one with a backbone. She let Ben be with Meg even though she loved him with all her heart. In my opinion Tim and Meg were perfect for each other. And don't forget Ben and Meg would never have been together if Maria was still alive. No offense but you Ben and Meg fans need to realize that Maria is the one you should like not Meg. But in the end I'm glad she got happiness even if it wasn't with her soulmate Ben. I was overjoyed when she caught the bouquet at the wedding. Ben and Maria forever!!!!!

OTHER MEMORIES

THE REVELATION OF FRANCESCA'S MURDERER

WRITTEN BY: Kathryn I loved when Gregory was finally pinned for the murder of Francesca Vargas. It was pure genius the way Cole and Annie did it. I loved when Gregory forced Francesca to turn around only to reveal Annie in a wig. "Surprise Gregory." Was by far the best/most dramatic line ever used. Annie pulled off that scene wonderfully.

SUNSET BEACH

WRITTEN BY: Ivette Since the show went off air, I find myself at a complete loss. I miss Sunset Beach and wish that it would return on air. I found myself watching the new soap Passions, and feeling bitter and resentment towards that cast and crew. The acting skills on that show has a lot to be desired. I cannot believe that Passions ratings outnumbered Sunset Beach! I miss Sunset Beach and each and every character. The were alive and believable. They were able to suck us into their world and become one of them. Not many shows can do that. I am still in mourning over the fact it is no longer on. I refuse to dedicate myself to another soap unless the cast of Sunset Beach unite again. Thank you all for entertaining me for the short time on air. What a fantastic memory! Sunset Beach will never be topped in my book. Good luck to all. I miss you!!!

THE BEST SHOW

WRITTEN BY: Mikayla I've been watching the show from day 1 and I only got to miss about less than 10 episodes for the past 3 years of the show. How could NBC be so insensitive to the viewers of Sunset Beach! The show deserved more than the treatment they got from NBC-it is the best soap that ever existed! Sunset Beach had everything-crazy story lines, good love triangles and undoubtedly AMAZING actors. I still haven't seen the final episode nor do I think I will because the local station which airs sunset beach here has cancelled it when we should have still had 7 more months of watching it! But from what I've read, I also think that Olivia was given someone to love-that is Gregory. He shouldn't have been sent to jail, they should have just let him escape or something and just run away to a far off place with Olivia where they can start all over again!!! Another thing is that why didn't the Soap Opera Awards consider Sunset Beach as a nominee??? That moment of Olivia losing her children which from what I've read was really sad and a tearjerker would have stood a fight against all other actresses from those other age old soaps!!! NBC should have just given Sunset Beach time and I'm sure its audience share would increase. Sunset Beach is one show that only people with brains and correct thinking would watch and support. So the people who axed them are bird brained!

BEN AND MEG

WRITTEN BY: Therese Karlsen Since the first episode i have had Ben and Meg as my favourite couple in sunset beac. And i guess my worst memory was when Maria entered the reception in their wedding. It was horrible to see the look of everyones faces especially Meg. And i felt so sorry for her when Maria faited and Ben ran to her. Since i live in Norway i havent seen all the episodes yet(here in norway fransceska has just been killed) so it will probably come scenes that i will like more. But of all the scenes i have seen so fare my favourite is when Ben and Meg find each other in that left cabin. And finally Ben understands it is Meg he loves and not Maria. And it`s so fun to see the look of Marias face when she finds out.

MEG AND MEG

WRITTEN BY: Sarah My best part was when the real Meg had a break and another actress was playing her part for a couple of weeks. Then when the real meg returned she was told by her sister that she looked different somehow and had she changed her hair. Hhhhhmmmmmm.

MY FAVS...

WRITTEN BY: Alison #10. Maria catching Meg's flowers and finally being revealed to everybody after about 15 near misses with Ben. #9. Terror Island and the Derek Saga. #8. Cole and Caitlin's wedding. #7. The Cave in!!! CHEMISTRY. #6. The daydreams...Sara's and Annie's...so funny! #5. Maria's meeting Ross. A guy that will aprecaite her. #4. Last Episode. It was so sad. #3. Everybody, mostly Gabi trying to do a Kansas voice. #2. Shockwave #1. Casey proposial to Sara. I've never seen anything sweeter. #1 Hated Thing... Meg/Ben-Eewwwwwwwww

THE FIRST HOOK

WRITTEN BY: Jaqui Robertson I'll never forget the first time I watched Sunset Beach, when it hadn't long started here in Scotland. I thought it was so bad, that I had to watch it again the next day, just to see what would happen of course. I promised myself that I would not watch such a cheesy soap again, but aginst my better judgement, I did in fact become one of its many greatest fans, as well as getting all my friends to watch it. It wasn't too hard to find new recruits, and all my closest friends are SB fans. (I wouldn't have it any other way). SB hasn't finished here yet, but it will be a sad day when it does. Aaron Spelling, you are a genius!

EVERYTHING

WRITTEN BY: Morgan Sunset Beach is the first soap opera I ever watched. I had seen episodes of soaps here and there, but was one of those people who belive that they are a lower form of entertainment. A friend began watching and I wanted to know what she was talking about. I began watching sporadically while I was home on occassion. I enjoyed it, but refused to admity. I didn't watch again until August of 1998 and from then on I had not missed a day. Why Sunset? Well, every other soap opera I have seen looks the same to me. They may have the prestige, but I could not watch them and have fun. With Sunset I had fun watching these characters and their lives.I never actually saw Sunset as a good show, but that didn't matter to me, that's not why I was watching it. It's intent, for me, was to be an entertaining show. Sadly, as it ended, it started to become a good show. Had NBC promoted it correctly I am sure that it would have risen in the ratings and become a great show. While watching I always thought no matter what, everyone involved gave their best and them some. The acting improved, as did the writing. I love most things about it. The characters are interesting. But one of my favorite things about the show was doing A Week on the Beach for this site. I was not always consistent, which I regret, but I had fun doing it for you all. Lower points were the turkey baster and as I go through and watch old tapes I can't belive that the writers actually gave Virginia those horrid lines. The Rosario Jewels could have been much better. But I think towards the end Sunset understood this and were trying their damn hardest to make a good show, which they succeeded in. As I did in my final Week on the Beach, I want to thank each and every cast member and crew member for their dedication to our little show that we will always love and miss. Good luck to all of you, we'll be watching.

COLE AND CAITLIN

WRITTEN BY: Alice I live in Finland and we have still year to go until Sunset Beach end. In Finland Hillary has just died and Francesca has found out that one of the Rosario愀 jewels is missing. My favorite moment on SB is when Caitlin realise that Cole and Francesca has stold Annie愀 neclase. It was so great when Cole tried to explane it to Caitlin. Cole and Caitlin愀 wedding was one of the greatest momets too. The worst storyline was Martin syndrome. It was so borring when Vanessa lived in Tyus愀 house hiding from Michael!

BASTING CHICKEN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

WRITTEN BY: Karen Virgina - oh Virginia. The scene where she had impregnated Vanessa with the turkey baster - what a hoot!!!! The scene where it came up in captions 'don't worry folks it's a new one' when she went to Michael and Vanessas for Thanksgiving and bought a turkey baster out of her bag! Also Olivias dream scene where every one in turn pops up in her bed ending with the maid also turning up was a scream! I'll miss you Sunset Beach!

MEMORIES

WRITTEN BY: Hannah For me I loved all the Annie drama and flashbacks, the way her character was so alive and mischevious was great! I hope they show re-runs coz I never did get to see the one with wipped cream, but I heard it was good. The worst part, apart from it being axed :( *sob* was the way the storylines dragged on forever, although it made going on holiday so much easier, lol. And I never did find out what happened to Francesca when she got to hell.....long live the memories of sunset beach, always and forever.

FUNNIEST

WRITTEN BY: Deborah - London I think some of the funniest scenes have been those supposedley set in England. The Policemen looking for Cole on the plane, soon after he and Annie landed in London were "oh so very polite", (Yeah right) And the scene with Cole (somewhere in England) in an old red phonebox surrounded by thick fog!! What a hoot! so very corny so Sunset Beachy!

THE SPEECH BUBBLES

WRITTEN BY: Sparks Does anyone remember those speech bubbles that appeared a couple of times? First time I saw them was when Maria was sketching Ben's picture, and then appeared this bubble that said something like "We know that doesn't look like Ben". And the second time was when Virginia went to Vanessa's and Michael's house for Thanksgiving. Vanessa asked "Did you bring the turkey baster?" and Virginia got it from her bag. Then came the bubble and said "Don't worry folks, this is brand new!". I wish there would have been more of these bubbles, although SB hasn't ended here in Finland yet, so I'll just keep on waiting for them to appear...

RECENT INDECENT EXPOSURE

WRITTEN BY: Erica I'm no puritan or anything, but I've to say that I'm a little upset with Susan Ward's recent "indecent" exposure (the new pics). Although she definitely looked hot in those pictures, I still think it was indecent. She's a beautiful and talented actor. She shouldn't pose for those skin-barring photos just to get publicity.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL IF...

WRITTEN BY: Sam If SB ended with Meg hugging Ben and Ben gives a look that implies he is really Derek... it would have been different.

OTHER MEMORY

WRITTEN BY: James Remember when Ben broke out of his chains after Dereck was continually taunting him, it showed the true power of his love for Meg and to an extent the weakness of the handcuffs. But that does not matter, the best show on Television is gone but I live in hope of re-runs, all the best from Irelands biggest Sunset Beach fan!

HOT MEN!!!

WRITTEN BY: Bianca The acting was hilarious (although no disrespect to the actors), the sets always the same and so extravigant, the fashion was out of this world and the story lines, well what can I say!! However, the men in Sunset were all gorgeous - starting off with Casey - what a body, Cole - those dimples, Antonio - if only priests were that hot we would all convert and believe!, and my personal favourite Jude - wow what a body and all his little karate antics were out of this world! Shame he came along in the end!! Never will Saturday afternoons (that's when I saw SB in the UK), be so eventful! I will truly miss these men in my life!!

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