#I only wish it erased the emotional damage.

[kolyasangel]

ALL I WANTED WAS TO FLY HIGH

synopsis: nikolai thought he'd been gifted wings to soar high and finally get a taste of sweet freedom, but little did he know that his desires would lead to dire consequences.

content: ch. 3 of icarus falls - main navi / wc: 3.9k

Nikolai doesn't know how long he's been sitting here. The sun was starting to rise, and his breathing was still shallow.

Dead. He's dead.

A cold sensation brushed against his face from the bloodied hand he was holding, more so gripping onto, finding the actuality of the situation unbelievable as his mind still hadn't completely registered reality yet. Frigid fingers grazed against Nikolai's cheek of his own volition, his own arm manipulating the movements of the dismembered one. The lifeless body of his former friend was near, but he couldn't bring himself to look at the now what would be a rotting corpse—half of the reason being he feared that he wouldn't be able to stomach what would be a gruesome sight despite all the horrors he'd executed himself, and the other half being that he couldn't shift from his current spot, the shock leaving him in a motionless and dazed state since the dusk of sundown.

Confusion. Sorrow. Guilt.

He felt too many things at once.

But why wasn't he content? This situation might've not exactly gone how he'd planned it to unfold, but the end result was what he wanted this whole time, so in theory, he should be nothing more than elated about the outcome. Yet, something is gnawing at his heart, an uncomfortable feeling he wishes wasn't there.

Who would've known that trying to erase all feelings and emotions would only bring more misfortune?

Nikolai didn't.

On the brink of finally tasting long-awaited freedom, everything was fine like it was supposed to be. At least, that's what he thought.

“Over happiness, I choose the freedom of my soul.”

That’s right.

Drunken on the self-pledged promise of liberation, he was blissfully oblivious to the consequences that would soon await him with every step he had taken towards the sunlit realm of freedom. One thing happened after another, and before he knew it, the only person he held dear to him had died right in front of his eyes.

Nikolai flew too close to what he thought was a guiding light, even touching it for a second, only for it to fall away from his grasp instantly. In a fleeting moment, his heart went against his head—these finely crafted wings of hubris and wax proved to be vain, for the day he could finally experience full-fledged freedom was no longer in sight. The wax of ambition melted from the heat of reality with indescribable swiftness, and the emitting flames seared his skin. Forced to face this bitter reality of his shattered ambitions, he grappled with the burning anguish of his deprived desires as he found himself plummeting from the lofty heights of his dreams, the suffocating waves of despair threatening to engulf him, pulling him into their relentless undertow.

His eyes closed, fearful to look beyond the unexpected drop. The wind kissing his cheeks and passing through his hair provided a brief source of comfort as he fell in contrast to how heavy his heart was now—heavy with the unbearable weight of regret, heavy with the burden of unfulfilled aspirations.

He fell head first, plunging and drowning into the unforgiving embrace of these shallow waters, his body surrounded by raging tides, unsought emotions overflowing in his lungs and into his heart—the tough layers he built up all these years to protect it and avoid becoming susceptible to injury, now damaged. The heart is the core of the soul, and his—once filled with the fire of conviction, was now a smoldering ruin, haunted by the echoes of his empty yearnings.

Falling back to the mediocre life in the society he loathed was something Nikolai never imagined. But here he was, doomed once again to live as a "normal" individual. That intense hunger was no longer in his eyes, devoid of any liveliness and filled with nothing but sorrow. Nikolai had ignored any and all warnings, allowing his fervor to eclipse the prudence that might have saved him from his impending fall. Now he was here, all alone, left to deal with the unbearable heaviness of the world's weight he had never chosen to bear on his shoulders.

Despite his noble pursuit of freedom, Nikolai found himself ensnared by the very chains from which he had sought to break free. The thing he had pursued so fervently had slipped through his fingers, leaving him adrift in a sea of disillusionment. And the flames of his ambition, once ablaze with hope and determination, had turned into a funeral pyre, consuming his longings and leaving nothing but ashes in their wake. Within the labyrinth of his soul, he wandered, trapped by the cruel irony of his fate. The freedom he'd so eagerly chased had eluded him, leaving him stranded in the barren wasteland of his unmet goals.

As he gazed upon the broken remnants of his dreams, Nikolai fought with the bitter truth that perhaps he had been fated to fall, an utter fool whose wings had failed to bear him to his intended heights.

Muffled voices of the enigmatic detective and the mafia executive could be heard in the background right after he knelt and clasped the arm in his hands, holding it close to him. He didn't care about what they were talking about, couldn't, when his mind was blocking out anything and everything around him like he was in his own bubble, feeling like a stranger to himself.

— ✦

One year later.

If someone had told Nikolai he'd be living alone in an apartment in a city far away from everything he's ever known after a tragic happening that essentially ruined his life, he would have laughed in their face. He would assume they were trying to emulate his jesting nature when they apprised him of something so ludicrous and utterly preposterous.

Yet, the thought of it wasn't comical when that was now indeed his reality.

It was practically a miracle that he was still alive. The reason why he hadn't given up on everything was an enigma to him—at least he wanted to believe as such. The truth was, he was a coward. Every time he would attempt, he'd back away immediately in fear, his life flashing before his eyes, the tears clouding his vision following after. He was too afraid.

The sun shining through the window and the birds singing outside signal a new day. It was always what he woke up to, not bothering to set an actual alarm for the uneventful day he knew he would have to face anyway. Everything seemed to blend into one another, relentless tedium being all that his days consisted of. The evenings were the hardest. If not sleeping the day away, he often found himself aimlessly walking around in circles around his apartment or standing on the balcony for an indefinite amount of time, the occasional background noise from neighbors that broke the deafening silence in his apartment doing little to dispel the overwhelming amount of measly thoughts that crept into his mind.

With his eyes still closed, his arm reaches outward to feel for his phone on the nightstand, only opening his eyes as they meet the bright screen— 10:11 a.m.

That's a new record, surprisingly. Five days in a row, he'd woken up before noon, a change from his usual habit of sleeping past twelve. He wasn't quite the morning person. Most nights were inevitably restless, with nothing but his thoughts accompanying him as he stared at the ceiling with dull eyes. It never left him—this isolation, an ever-present state enveloping him like a second skin.

Numb.

But at least it was a change from sleepless nights where he would have the same dream, envisioning the whole scene going down and waking up in a cold sweat, the fresh tears on his face never seeming to stop coming from being subjected to reliving painful memories all over again. He believes this is the price he pays for his irrational behavior—a punishment, perhaps.

It's been months since he's had one of those nights.

Warm flesh. A beating heart. The reminders confirm he is still very much alive.

Even summoning the effort to pull himself out of bed and complete his morning routine was an everyday struggle. Lugging himself up from the comfort and warmth of his bed, he drags his feet against the wood and enters the bathroom. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, his hands ran through his unkempt, tangled hair before reaching up to absentmindedly claw at his skin, his fingers grazing along the scar he found unsightly.

Don't blame the mirror if your face is faulty.

A hand reaches for the faucet, fingers brushing against the cold metal of the sink handle before cool water streams down, causing a chill to run up his arm, sending a shiver through his body and forming goosebumps all over his pale skin.

He takes a sudden breath in, his nose twitching with an invisible itch before—a pause. A slow, soft exhale escapes his lips, a small sigh of relief leaving him as everything falls back into place. The cold he was dealing with was nothing more than a minor annoyance, but to add insult to injury, it was freezing inside the apartment.

"Son of a bitch.." His hoarse voice grumbles, feeling immediate discomfort from speaking due to the irritation in his throat. The heater was broken again, for the second time in the middle of the winter. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary though, because he'd become accustomed to the run-down apartment a while ago.

Finishing up his routine, he exited the bathroom while nimble fingers gently sectioned and braided his hair, adorning the braid with a black pom-pom hair tie. He changed into a button-down shirt and slipped into some dark pants before opening his closet to look for a coat to wear so he wouldn't have to succumb to the chilliness of the weather outside, his braid swaying gently with his movements.

Unintentionally, his eyes trail from the clothing in front of him to the closet floor, white buried in a pile of clothes that he still hasn't folded and properly put away yet. The last remnants of his former identity that he'd left behind, sitting in his closet. He didn't bother to neatly hang the coat up on a hanger either, another easy way the article of clothing could come into his visibility. The only reason he was still hanging onto it was because he needed money. He didn't have a job, and his ability allowed him to steal whenever he needed to easily. Granted, he didn't need his coat to use his ability, but it was useful whenever he needed to quickly steal and stash things away, for he couldn't risk the chance of anyone recognizing him in public for who he used to be. Although, he only had to go through the trouble when money was getting tight.

Grabbing a coat from the rack, he lazily drags it over his frame and stuffs his keys along with some cash notes into his coat pocket before making his way out of his bedroom and to the front door. The sensation of cold yet invigorating air fills his lungs when he steps outside, causing him to clasp his arms closer to himself to keep warm. His nose becomes runny, and the harsh wind prompts tears to form in his eyes, the frigid cold nipping at his cheeks and fingertips, making them feel as if they were burning as he made his way toward his car.

"Finally paid rent, Nikolai? Very unexpected of you," the older man's mocking voice breaks the peaceful stillness, making the tenant he was talking to look at them both confusedly. But Nikolai keeps walking, dismissing any further remarks from being said. As much as he tried his best to ignore how others treated him and control his feelings, that didn't mean he wasn't affected by it, unable to help but feel the sting.

Every day was the same. Well, not always. Sometimes, he changes up his routine, albeit not frequently, so the repetition wouldn't drive him completely insane. Going outside was a daunting task, and the occurrence of him stepping out of the apartment only happened once in a blue moon when he would have to purchase essential items such as groceries and whatnot. However, he had a different reason for going outdoors today.

— ✦

The soft cotton of the embroidery thread brushed against his fingers, the fibers smooth and cool to the touch.

He'd recently revisited old hobbies from his childhood to keep himself occupied, bringing a lone sense of solace to life's dullness. This was probably the greatest amount of excitement he felt once in a while amidst his monotonous days, his eyes trailing on the vibrant hues of various threads, picking between different shades he needed and wanted to try.

He did get some stares at random from ladies on occasion, most likely wondering what a guy like him was doing in this aisle, looking so intently at the selection of thread. But he couldn't care less about what they thought of him. What was so weird about it anyway? People really need to mind their own damn business.

Footsteps against the tile floor sounded as he leisurely took his time in different aisles, content with his choices already in the small basket. He eventually makes his way to the front of the store to be greeted by the cashier, eliciting a forced smile from him. His hand reaches into his pocket, pulling out crumpled bills while his items are being scanned. He really needed to get a wallet soon, so he didn't have to do this every time.

A slight sense of nausea overtakes him when something too familiar is injected into his mind as he uses his fingers to straighten the bills out on the counter with trembling hands, remembering the source of the money all too well. It poisons his whole system before he can even think of anything else, further irritating him at the fact that this affects him so easily.

Stolen money.

Guilt.

— ✦

As he stepped out of the craft shop, dead leaves crunching underneath his shoes echoed in the crisp air, the plastic bag in his hand rustling against the harsh wind. The trees now stood bare, stripped of their leaves due to the bitter frost. With each inhale, the chilly air filled his lungs, and with each exhale, he watched his breath escape into a visible cloud.

The winter always brought back a wave of wistful nostalgia for him, washing over him whenever the season came around. It invoked cherished memories of carefree days—reminiscing about sharing warm meals with his mother and playing in the snow as a kid, snickering when he ate snow despite being told not to. Though he would soften when his mother gently ruffled and patted his head after he eventually apologized with his hands clasped together behind his back, paired with a coy smile on his face that always seemed to work like a charm whenever he got in trouble. He never liked listening to rules or directions ever since he was young—always trying to find a way to defy them in any way he saw possible. The sense of rebellion had always been a part of his nature, even from a young age. Although, this was only a mischievous child's way of having fun. He wasn't aware that the mindset would follow him into adulthood and continue to shape his approach to life in unforeseen ways for reasons other than this.

Not having any destination in mind, he meandered past different stores and whatnot, glancing at colorful lights and festive decorations adorning the shops for the holidays. He has walked here many times since it was close to where he lived, and everything was within walking distance. It was quiet, not bustling with business, unlike the busier parts of the city, probably because the weather and dark days of winter kept people locked inside the comfort of their own homes. Although he preferred to stay at home more than anything, he always felt at ease whenever he walked these parts of town, taking in the vibrant atmosphere of it all before he had to walk back to a not-so-vibrant one.

He stopped in front of his favorite cafe, which was practically beckoning him to come inside. After all, he could use something to warm him up and soothe his sore throat.

Upon entering the cafe, the jingling of bells signals his entrance. The immediate warmth of the inside envelopes him, heating him from the biting cold outside. He pays no mind to the friendly smile given to him by the employee who sees him, keeping his head down at an angle to avoid reciprocating the gesture. Instead, he skips the greetings and orders his usual comfort in the winter—a warm cup of honey lemon tea with ginger. The combination of sweet and sour in the drink was something he enjoyed, relishing the contrast between the two flavors and how they complemented each other so well. Furthermore, it always did wonders whenever he fell sick, cutting through his congestion and helping to alleviate any pain he would feel in his throat.

He stands in front of the glass display while he waits, gazing at the desserts while his breath creates a fog against the surface. His cold fingertips linger on the glass, the warmth of fresh goods baked this morning radiating onto his hand.

"Sir, would you like anything else?" a polite voice breaks his daze when they notice Nikolai's downward gaze, making him look up.

"This one, please," he quietly mutters, pointing to a flaky raspberry pastry, an urge to stray from his usual choice randomly hitting him. The thought of trying something new today seemed particularly appealing. A little change, big or small, couldn't hurt now and then.

He watches as the barista carefully picks his choice of pastry before deftly packaging it into a brown bag and handing it over to him with a smile, the warmth of the freshly baked treat palpable through the paper. Returning to their task, Nikolai watches as their fingers skim over a familiar yellow box of herbs before preparing the kettle. He always appreciated the swiftness when it came to brewing his tea, the actions pleasing to watch.

Once he hears his name called, he retrieves his finished tea and pays for both before muttering a quiet thank you. Just as he was about to leave the cafe, he paused—a brief thought of consideration about whether or not he should stay inside the cafe hindering him. It would probably be a good idea to stay for a little longer, killing some time before returning home so soon sounding appealing, especially considering the weather. But without giving it any further thought, he braces himself as he steps closer to the door, leaving the comfortable warmth of the cafe.

A breath of relief leaves his cold lips as he brings the tea closer, taking a sip of the warm drink. As he steps onto the sidewalk, his eyes are drawn to a lone pigeon wandering around, pecking at the ground, its scavenging for food seemingly futile. His eyebrows furrow as he observes the bird's fruitless attempts to find sustenance.

Unwrapping the pastry and tearing off a piece, he offers it to the hungry bird, who eagerly accepts it. He feels a tug at the corners of his mouth, bringing a rare genuine smile to creep up on his face.

— ✦

It had been a few hours since Nikolai got home. He'd been busy with his task, now clad in a knit sweater with his braid laying over his shoulder—an empty cup of tea and an empty bowl of what were leftovers beside him.

With glasses perched on his nose, he focused intently on the stitches, his tongue peeking out slightly in concentration while delicately stitching onto the fabric with the needle and thread. There was an unusual carefulness held in his fingers and actions as the soft texture of the fabric brushed under his fingertips.

It was trivial, but his small hobbies brought a little color to his monochrome life, briefly breaking the numbing routine that defined his days. He enjoyed sewing clothing and embellishing collars, shirt cuffs, and such afterward, fond of the process of meticulously working on such intricate details. Pulling out a piece of old patchwork passed down from his mother, he compared his handiwork to hers, holding on to the hope that he would someday match her skill.

He didn't realize how much time had passed before he glanced out the window. The sky darkened much for what only felt like an hour to him, and he was taken aback at how quickly the day had slipped away. The sun was going to set soon.

With a sigh, he sets aside his work and cleans up his space before stretching, a cough leaving his lungs and aching throat. Brushing messy strands of hair away from his eyes, he stands up and walks to his door. As soon as he opens the front door, he is unkindly greeted with cool air hitting him, his feet meeting the cold ground as he steps closer to the balcony. Watching the sunset was routine for him, a strangely calming one. He watched how the birds flew freely across the darkening sky, without a single care, without any restraints.

How lucky they are.

Nikolai's internal conflict was like a tempest raging within him, tearing at him from all sides. His former ideals are still there, weighing on his conscience. Though it was lighter—not as heavy as it was once before, some weight pushed off as doubt tickled his thoughts on the notion that he would ever be free. But with nothing left to fall back onto after his accident, he found himself slowly crawling back to his old habits and mindset again. He knows nothing but this—thinking it’ll be the only thing that will save him despite it being the very thing that lead to his downfall.

He had once dared to reach for the sun, chasing the intoxicating allure of absolute freedom, only to be scorched and permanently scarred with burns of the third degree by its searing radiance. He had longed for freedom, believing that it would bring him the peace and contentment he so desperately desired. However, as he stood at the precipice of his long-awaited liberation only for that short moment, he found himself confronting a profound sense of emptiness after its departure.

Not once had he thought it would be easy, but it turned out that the road to freedom was much more rocky and bumpier than he thought it would be.

Or maybe he's just too weak.

Nevertheless, he was merely a fool who fell before he could reach the light.

He's not going to let that happen again.

Nikolai's attention is caught when a bird lands on the balcony railing. He extends his arm and holds out his finger in fleeting anticipation, only for the bird to fly away, leaving him once again alone with his thoughts.

Hopefully, one day, a miracle of some sort would pull him out of this cycle so that he, too, could fly freely.

© kolyasangel 2024 - no reposts. do not copy, steal, or translate. reblogs are appreciated.

[floredaqueen]

True Story

18+

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This is a true story ..

The knock at the door was jarring, especially with what happened last night. Mercedes was still cleaning up after everyone that morning while trying to contain her reckless feelings that were unleashed that night as well. She put down the sculpted glasses that were used for the banquet, her rich, melanin hands running through her perfectly quafted silk press put her hair through to distract herself.

The walk to the door was draining, every step she was contemplating if she should just let someone else get it.. but when that thought paused, she was already right in front of the crimson double doors. She opened one of them, her eyes fluttering up to see the beautiful blonde she wished she could erase form.

About all the lies I've fantasized..

"Hey, uh–" Immediately , she interrupted his lightly spoken words, all the way her eyes struggled to stay on his. And so she diverted to hay that he sported backwards on his ashe blonde locks that seemed to have no clue was gravity was unless they were contained by the cap.

"What is it, JJ?" She didn't really give a fuck about what he wanted. Mercedes couldn't stand to even look at him, let alone actually want to give want he wants.. and yet she stood there, obviously worn out and disheveled as she heard him out.

"I just.. wanted to know if you needed help cleaning up," He proudly, boyishly held up a bucket, a pair of yellow rubber gloves, and an industrial scrub brush.. The funny thing was the bucket contained a whole bunch of cleaning supplies that Mercedes could tell he just bought. As if she didn't have enough already.

"I have maids to help me do that, thanks." Her voice got softer as she thought about the kind gesture even as her mind pictured the worst of the night before.

'Bout you and I..

"Yeah, but I know you like doing it.." JJ's eyes smiled along with pretty curve of his lips, the mouth she envisioned all over someone else. Erstwhile, she searched for wine she hid and those stupid love letters she wrote to him but was too chicken to give him. The very fact that it warmed her heart frustrated her.

"Since when do you presume to know anything about me?" She'd scoff, her voice still weakly soft. If she raised it at all, she knew it would break. Instantly, the Pouge was taken aback.

This is a true story

"Woah, okay. I'm trying to be nice here," he spat out, running his hands through his hair in frustration. He could see the hurt in her eyes as she took a small step back from him, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Mortification flooded through him as he realized how harsh his previous words must have sounded.

It wasn't intentional, he never meant to ridicule her or smash her heart to pieces. But he had a habit of speaking without thinking, rationalizing his own feelings without regard for how it affected others. In his mind, he was just being honest - but the words had come out all wrong.

He tended to disconnect from emotions, both his own and others. It was easier that way, or so he told himself. But now, looking at her as she tried to hold back tears, he saw the damage he had caused. If only he had taken a moment to pause, to consider her perspective before blurting out a response fueled by his own discomfort.

About all the games

But it was too late now. The words hung heavily between them, cutting deep. All he could do was apologize sincerely and hope, hope that she knew he never intended to hurt her so callously. But the damage was done, and he knew it would take time to heal those painful bruises to her heart. Time and care that he hoped, next time, he could give before it was too late.

"Well, I don't expect you to. You can leave," *She was quick to try and close the door on him, JJ being more than quick enough to catch it before it did. Mercedes flinched a bit, JJ noticing too late. He was still stuck on the complete rejection she just gave him.

I know you've played.

"What the hell's your problem?" Did he really just say that? 'What's HER problem?' His seeming oblivion pushed her right to the edge. Her cheeks blew themselves out, Mercedes just trying to keep her eyes from going glassy.

"My problem is you, JJ! I hate you!!" The silence between them was damning, the girl feeling the shake of her hands. She didn't mean that, not in the way she said it. JJ on the other hand felt his hard gaze soften, finally understanding where her despair accumulated. His own thoughts reverted back to the night before, the ashe blonde rather having his tongue down some other girl's throat than to have to be alone with the girl he had real romantic feelings for.

Boy, this is not what I need. (Give me your love, give me your love)

Mercedes found them together, her heart dropping to meet the dead butterflies in her stomach. Her head was pound as she dropped wine she copped from her kitchen. She couldn't breath. She couldn't think. The Kook princess just felt hard.

"Oh, god.." "Oh my God.." "Oh my God.."

The last thing she remembered doing was sobbing in her locked room until she passed out.

Not what I want. (Give me your love, give me your love)

"'Cedes.." He started, not getting very far with the way tears quickly swelled up in Mercedes' eyes before they boiled over like a steaming hot pot of water.

"I HATE the way you make me feel.." That was true, even through her resurrected sorrows just by looking at his sweet face. Her heart contorts, her face gets hot, the he makes her smile, the way he smiled, his laugh and the butterflies start swarming..

"'Mercedes"

"Then I find you mid-fuck with Adrisa in the goddamn game room-" Voice already broken, Mercedes choked on her words. It.. might seem stupid.. they weren't even together. They were just friends, but the way she wished it was her lips he was locking with her own while his hands struggled to pull off her dress.. out of passion, our of desire and built up want. It was the only thing she was holding onto after saw JJ.

It's NOT gonna happen to me. (Give me YOUR love, love love)

"You don't get to make it all better after you made the shit worse!" JJ froze as her words cut through him. Even then, JJ selfishly acted, the beautiful blonde boy dropping the supplies in his hand before those same hands pulled the sorrowful girl in. Mercedes trembled, the trauma still raw within her even as heir lips met with a hungry passion, yet also a healing tenderness. JJ cradled her gently yet firmly, pouring his care and regret into the kiss. Mercedes clung to him, taking what comfort she could in his strong embrace.

For a moment, all else faded - only this connection between them remained. An anchor in the storm of her grief. She came to her senses then, her face contorting as her tears continued to uncontrollably stream down her cheeks. A second after, she shoved him away, running him out of her home with one thought.

"Get OUT!!" Slammed the door behind her before sliding down it and shielding her shiny dark crown.

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I wrote this as a way to immediately heal from the situation I just went through. Is it like anything real? Just wishful, dramatic thinking. Thanks for putting up with it. I know it's not good, it's jumbled emotions I'm trying to piece together with characters I'm currently obsessed with. Okay bye.

[ilikelookingatthings]

Does anyone else feel like its weird that Miraculous Ladybug acts like I should be fine with Adrien's mom dying? and that's its wrong to try to save her?

Like....fridging trope aside.....Arguable Gabe has the most sympathetic reasoning for wanting to become a villain...he is trying to get the ladybug and Chat noir miraculous to make a wish to fix/heal his wife out of her coma which she only entered due to Magic from using a broken Peacock.

His plan makes sense...he can't go to a guardian for help because he doesn't know fu exists at that point and all the other guardians are gone. He's rich so had already used all the science money can buy plus anything he can glean from their not properly translated miraculous book, and its not working. And he clearly had tried to find the miraculous by normal means but couldn't find it outside of narrowing it down to France(unless the plan was that the TV would showcase his akuma villain so the miraculous holders would be activated and come find them from afar which also works).

So, the only way to find the creation and destruction miraculous was to use the pattern shown through history that if a villain appeared that the cat and ladybug miraculous would be activated to deal with it. He pretends to be a villain, amplifies his own negative emotions and simplifies what he wants so it's easier to project it on his victim. He chooses negative emotions because someone vulnerable will be more likely to say yes as he still needs consent, and a villain is the best option to get attention and draw them out. Then he would get the chance to steal the miraculous...which then he could release the victim (who wouldn't know what they did minimizing trauma) where he could reverse all the damage with the newly stolen creation miraculous.

and he knows if he loses the damage would be reversed by the ladybug anyway. and by showing his hawkmoth persona people have someone to blame aside from his Akuma victim. and Gabe knows he can take the powers if it goes too far and that he can talk to his victim and use a brain zap connection check them if they get too out of hand..so while Gabe is still horrible for taking advantage of a (usually a teens) negative emotions to try to steal the miraculous after making a scene and alarming the city of Paris...he arguable has a plan that minimizes the risk and damage where he has to get consent from his victim(they have to agree to the powers and that he persuaded them). and the plan is to heal his wife who can walk back into her life using the 'missing' cover...probably something like her going away for a secret treatment she didn't know would work ect. and Gabe knows i he wins that he just wants to save a loved one(doesn't erase the fear since people don't know what he wants and just because he has the illusion of control it doesn't change people were in real danger.

Its just....Yes he's horrible but he also knows any damage he makes will be reversed and he had no contact with the guardians so it would have been pretty understandably if he didn't really understand how the wish works since the 'Detroy and rewrite the world' sounds like bullshit and a price to heal someone from something the miraculous caused would be hard to fathom or easy to brush aside at first. We've seen Mari justify risky moves because she knows Damage will get reversed at times...and unlike a lot of villains at least Gabe had a failsafe with the Ladybug miraculous and how he hadn't planned to torment Paris and just wanted a quick in and out wish.

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Its just weird the show acts like the BEST course of action is just to completely accept Emelie's death....like this isn't natural sickness...this is a miraculous caused one so I wouldn't just accept it easier...even more she isn't dead yet...if she was dead and buried I'd understand the point of him having to accept and move on...but contrary to how its coffin shaped...it's not actually a coffin...it's a healing coma stasis pod.

I mean sure we could argue that if the wish destroys the world that its bad completely even if everything is rewritten (side eyeing the time travel episodes a bit but eh)....but considering how strongly he tries to convince Adrien about his mom being 'missing' and his desperation when the power almost went out due to the power surge during the guys' party....Gabe at least through most of the seasons didn't seem to be banking on the 'remake everything' part and was aiming for the healing her/waking her up part...like was it that someone else would have to go into a coma which would be better than death at least?

it's just I understand that a message can be accepting to let people go when there are no other options but the whole point of science and doctors is to have a fighting chance...and it feels weird to be told to give up is the right thing to do when she isn't dead, and a common 'miracle' is someone being healed.

Like...why is the show trying to get me to ship Gabe and Nathalie at times when Gabe's ONE redeeming feature is that he loves his wife and wants to save her...I mean i like the drama by why act like its some fix? that if Gabe has a replacement, he should stop trying to save her? Even more its not like Gabe is the only one who wants her back...Nathalie clearly thought she was worth it enough to side with this crazy plan, and wanting to bring back the emotionally competent parents' kind of makes sense for Gabe since he clearly didn't prepare to be a single parent.

And like....I'm gonna be honest the thing that bothers me the most if her having videos saying she wants Gabe to give up....like I get...a just in case video...but would it be wrong if the mom WANTED to be saved? Would Emelie wanting to live be selfish?

Also she tends to be treated like a saint character...perfect sweet person dead mom architype. We are all familiar....

But it feels odd people don't address the aspects of her character we DO know. We know Gabe compared Chat noir to Adrien's mom Favorably when Chat ripped him to shreds so to speak in Simon Says when Gabe was being too lighthearted about the danger Gabe was personally in. implying, she often roasted Gabe in a similar way...and considering Gabe as strong parallels personality wise to Marinette...it strengthens the hint that Emelie is also closure to Adrien in their dynamic.

Like....What if the issue is that Emelie was the one super excited about miraculous and using them and didn't check it was safe to use the peacock. Where she overlooked the side affects and kept using it anyway until it was too late? Something that could parallel how Adrien when he first got Plagg got so excited he accept the powers without finding out the details as well as Adrien being a bit reckless when it comes to his OWN well-being in his confidence. Like...she wanted a baby, but she couldn't have one naturally so wanted to use the peacock instead of invitro or adoption and she was stubborn about it. Ignoring Gabe who would be more cautious about its view (similar to how Marinette is more cautious and collects info and makes plans to contrast Adrien who jumps right in first). Her kindness in making a baby for others like Kagami for Kagami's mom and Felix for her sister. Maybe Emilie tried doing good with the peacock or heck even the butterfly before...but Emilie being reckless led to her not realizing the affect it would have on her family if something happened to her. Emilie was also really talented in her own right both as a model and an actress(even if she only acted a little in that one movie)...but if she's similar to Adrien in how he tends to be naturally supportive and empathetic....what if she was a great source of help for Gabe who struggled a bit with that...especially with him trying to impress her old money family with his new money riches....

like it would make Sense of Gabe wants to help her /save her or might blame himself for not stopping her...even more if she believes in him like how chat believes in LB/Mari.

It just feels unfair that the show seems to act like it's just the only option that Adrien's mom would be understanding about them letting her die/go instead of trying to save her when most of them would have no reason to understand or believe the weight of the wish would be THAT bad.

and if Gabe's plan was always to switch with the mom (similar to how Nathalie was healed but he was gone) ...would the mom know and be worried because she wanted Gabe to be, okay?

Like I wish there was a bit more nuance we were shown...like was she reckless in using it...whether through genuine good or selfish intentions but not bad? what about how she was also super protective of Adrien...like its not just Gabe who made Adrien homeschool...it was the mom...and Adrien was more or less fine with it still his mom disappeared and he was struck with his grieving dad who was NOT taking it well and who (WE know) was probably trying to find way to fix the mom and putting Adrien second to try to fix her faster for Adrien's sake...forgetting Adrien couldn't be that understanding since to Adrien his mom disappeared while Gabe at least knew she was alive and Adrien didn't know his dad was taking care of his mom.

Was she a little vain or shallow? at all dramatic like Adrien? would she sneak out at times? Was the mom at all paranoid or overprotective about Adrien? Was she overly affectionate hence why Adrien might struggle with certain personal space issues at times?

Its just..Gabe has the energy of someone who kind of had to pick up being hawkmoth out of necessity like Mari did to help save Paris(or alya Infront of her)...only for him his Paris was Emelie...also according to how Gabe responded to Chat in Simon says...did she put Gabe in his place? get annoyed at him or think that Gabe was too reckless with himself like how Mari at times can be confident and not realize the danger she puts herself in?

We know the mom was adventurous and directly was part of that expedition to find the miraculous with Gabe and Nathalie and that they liked to travel often. We also know as much as Gabe loves his wife....he isn't a big fan of her sister even if Adrien and Felix would hang out more often before.

I mean...Emelie doesn't have to be evil or anything, but I would like a bit more nuance to her...

Honestly, I half wonder if Emelie had actually made a wish before and that's why she wants Gabe to give up.

What if Gabe had actually been the one to suffer the consequences of the peacock before and Emelie had been the Hawkmoth...only to succeed and change things so SHE used it instead so Gabe would live in her place...trying to stop him from burning himself out with those videos.

Also...people give Gabe flack for not going back in time to stop Emilie from using the peacock...but if she did that...wouldn't that have stopped Felix, Kagami and especially Adrien his own son from existing?

Like its the easiest route to fix Emilie but it could risk the existence of their kid so is it really the most obvious choice that Gabe failing to see means he's just too far gone that the show is trying to pretend it was?

Also has anyone heard the Theory that Emilie and Amelie were also sentibeings as well?

or that Adrien is based on them losing a kid together? or him being half a sentibeing?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Also....if they were going to save Nathalie with Gabe dying....Why not just have Gabe trade himself for his wife anyway? why can't both Nathalie and Emelie be saved?

like morally I think Gabe thinking it would be better if Adrien had emelie instead of Gabe could be interesting since she seems better at emotions and was the more emotion focused parent...but that could also show the flaw of when you focus on your 'role' of what your good at and forget to practice the other aspects of parenting...relying on the other person for the other aspects instead of you both equalizing it out? would Adrien agree? or be devastated his dad felt it would have been preferable if Gabe died instead of Emilie?

also...why not just have them offer the guardians to help save Emelie? show that the wish isn't necessary and get experts in who can help combined with science since she technically isn't dead?

also... what if that's a decoy and the real Emelie is somewhere else?

I'm just saying them finding those videos all the way in season 5 after THIS long just saying Gabe should let Emilie go feels pretty convenient.

Also...what happens if Adrien finds out the truth and uses a wish to bring both of his parents back but at the cost of himself?

Would potentially Amelie pretend to be Emilie and make the videos? similar to felix?

Or get desperate to save her sister now that she knows she was in trouble/in a coma?

Also...I get Adrien tends to be the 'move forward type when you can't change anything' and he was probably just trying to be calmer and accept things to contrast how his dad was stuck and how Adrien pieced together his mom was sick and her 'disappearing' was probably his mom running away to die where her family couldn't see her since they had tried to keep it from Adrien...and that his dad was in denial about it and Adrien came to terms by himself.

but it feels odd they have Adrien be so accepting I guess? like if he was more in denial how would that have affected marinette on the subject? though I get his dad not giving up easily when emilie isn't dead and he has seen her in the pod.

Though imagine if the mom DID come back a the end with the 'missing' excuse as a cover still.

Also... Nathalie basically enabled Gabriel into his death...i wonder how Nathalie would feel about that now or about Emelie after the taps...like I haven't forgotten the guy almost gave up being hawkmoth but Nathalie encouraged him to continue!

[dumplingsjinson]

List of “pov: you were ghosted” prompts

“I don’t go on the social media platforms you frequent anymore, because I don’t want to be reminded of how you went completely silent on me, but I also don’t want to block you for reasons still unknown to me. Maybe a small part of me hopes you’ll talk to me again, because there’s no way in hell I’m reaching out and embarrassing myself like that.” 

“I don’t want to block you, simply because I don’t want you thinking I care enough about you to desperately seek out a way to not be reminded that you’re still somehow in my life. But I care. I care a fucktonne more than I want to. And I’m sorry to myself for caring more than I’d ever admit to any living person out there.” 

“Let me remind you of this, in case you’ve forgotten: You ghosted me. So no, I’m not going to entertain you… At least that’s what I tell myself, because we both know I’m going to end up caving anyway. So, how have you been?”

“Lesson learned: someone who keeps telling you they won’t ghost you will probably eventually ghost you.” 

“You ghost me once, shame on you. Ghost me twice, shame on me. Wish I wasn’t in the latter category.”

“You could have fucking told me, plain and simple, that you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore! At least that would be better than you ghosting me like a fucking coward. You didn’t even give me the closure I deserve, so what makes you think I’d want to talk to you again?”

“You ghosted me because you caught feelings for me, instead of telling me you caught feelings so we can work this shit out together? Fuck off and fuck you.” 

“Instead of rejecting me, you ghosted me. That tells me more about you as a person than it does about myself, and I’m very glad you showed yourself out of my life, even if it’s in the worst way possible; even though it has caused me some sort of emotional fucking damage throughout it all.”

“I think I’m happier without you, so thanks for leaving me alone, even if it did sting at the beginning. I thought something was wrong with me, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.” 

“Why don’t I trust you anymore? The fact that you have the gall to ask that says a lot about you, you piece of cowardly shit.” 

“But of course, me giving you a piece of myself only to be met with permanent silence doesn’t hurt. At all. I’m fine. No, seriously, I’m… Fine.” 

“I think it’s pretty pathetic to realise that I’d take you back if you text me again, out of no where, with just a simple hello.” 

“So you decide to message me again after you hit me with the long-term radio silence? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I reserve the rights to not forgive you after you decide to cut me out of your life without saying anything.” 

“You chose to leave me without an explanation, so I’m choosing not to take you back.” 

“You matter to me—” “I mattered to you, up to the moment you decided I had no use to you and discarded me like trash… By acting like I never existed.” 

“I spent all of this time thinking I did something wrong, but it turns out it was a you problem.”

“You pulled away because you thought I was going to do the same, instead of, you know, communicating that with me so we could work through your worries together?”

“You feel guilty? Well, I hope you carry that guilt with you for a very long time. Don’t do this to anyone else.” 

“You erased yourself from my life, so why do you think I’d let you draw yourself back in?”

[a-rat-dressed-like-a-bee]

Space.

He's lying beside me. On his back. Keeping his hands to himself.

Eyes upturned. I've stopped talking about my day. I don't think he has noticed.

Like a listener, he is quiet. Perhaps he is still listening. But not to me.

He is elsewhere. He is in her arms. His eyes gazing into their past. His past with her.

Ears are taking in what she's saying.

I wonder which memory has his attention. The time she kissed him first. His first kiss. The time she danced with him in the rain. The only time he ever danced. The time she took him home. To the silence of her room after the disquiet of forks on plates and small talk with family.

He has never met my mother. Still keeps in touch with hers.

Perhaps it is a different memory I'd never know.

I wish he would come back to me. He's been gone since he heard the news from a friend. She lies in a lonely colourless room. Terminally ill. A part of him lies with her. About to be lost forever.

He hates me now. I think. He doesn't look at me anymore. Perhaps he sees in me the reasons for him not talking to her. Him deleting their chats. Their photos.

I erased her much before the illness got to her. He hates me.

I am the cancer that ate away at a cherished past. He hates me.

I wish he didn't hate me so much. Little does he know that I would swap myself with her. Gladly be the one dying.

It would be quicker than the death he causes me now. Breaking my heart by going away from me. Taking away any love he had for me.

She has all his love again. I have nothing.

Sorry what were you saying? Nothing baby. Nothing important. I was just talking about my day. Boring stuff. You go to sleep now. Go back to your dreams. I feel hot. Do you mind if I sleep on the edge?

Surely not. More space for her.

The one you've never stopped loving.

I wasn't sure what to call it, "More space for her," or just simply "Space." Settled with the latter for now. It's a purely fictional poem I wrote after reading "Revolving Days" by David Malouf, when a wave of sadness had hit me. It is mainly about lovers growing apart because one of them is depressed due to the knowledge of a former partner's deteriorating health. I wanted the speaker of the poem to be the other partner so that I could chiefly explore the emotional turmoil of the present lover in the poem. They can do nothing but try to be understanding of the partner's depression and give them the space they need, while preparing themselves to face a more permanent space (an irreversible damage to their current relationship).

[talibunny30]

Echoes of Resilience

Chapter Six - Dutiful Deeds of a Damaged Daughter

A glimpse at times gone by shows Nesta's struggle with keeping up appearances while maintaining a semblance of peace…

This chapter… We start to dive deeper into what has shaped Nesta into who she is today. It made me emotional writing this, honestly.

When my husband proofread for me, he got teared up too… So just a warning that there are some sad bits.

An immeasurable amount of thanks to my beta readers:

@shadowsandlint - even though you are days away from getting MARRIED, you still took the time 🖤 You are just wonderful

and

@somnolentsoul - you are going through it, but still are kind enough to come through for me ✨ I am so grateful

Read on AO3 here

Chapter begins after the cut

Nesta was ten when she found out. 

It was a night as normal as any, if normal meant that you had to hide your broken pinky finger in the folds of your nightgown to avoid frightening your younger sisters while simultaneously appearing unbothered by the discipline you received after dropping a stitch in the thousandth pair of gloves you were forced to knit. “Isn't it counter-intuitive to damage the very things I need to accomplish what is expected of me?” Nesta thought.

Her father had called for the family to gather in his study. Lightly tapping his chin with steepled fingers, he sat behind an intricately crafted, one-of-a-kind oak desk. Just another thing he endlessly bragged about obtaining in one of his numerous travels to the continent.

One not-normal thing about tonight was that their mother stood with her hand on their father’s shoulder as they were all seated. Nesta did not miss the way Augusta’s thumb lightly stroked along the collar of her husband’s white undershirt. Her mother did not comment on his unkempt appearance. Another not-normal thing.

The air seemed to follow the maids as they filtered out of the room after getting Elain and Feyre settled on the carpet in front of the recently lit hearth. Whatever this impromptu family meeting was about, Nesta could already tell it was not good news. Though if it concerned their grandmother’s untimely passing, perhaps it would be good news for Nesta.

The only noise that could be heard while the three sisters waited was the logs cracking as the fire slowly warmed the room. Nesta stared into the flames, watching as they danced to their silent music, fueling themselves purely from the destruction of something else. She felt a strange kinship with the logs. Always required, doing most of the work, but never receiving any thanks for the contribution they made to the heat the fire provided.

Her father cleared his throat and Nesta was snapped out of her macabre state. Focusing on her parents, she sat primly, hands folded in her lap while she waited for the words to begin falling from her father’s mouth.

“My doves, your mother and I have called you from your rooms at this hour because we wish to share with you a matter that I - we - believe needs discussing. This is not an easy thing to-”

“I am sick. No need to cause a scene, I will survive it.” Augusta interrupted with a matter-of-fact statement. Even in poor health, their mother was formidable. Terrifyingly so.

“Mama?” Elain’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as she called out, her voice a whispered plea; as if that one word could erase entirely whatever illness plagued their mother. 

Normalcy reared its head once more as their mother chose to ignore Elain and focused on Nesta instead. Augusta continued with her health report as if simply discussing the weather, “There have been healers called for from the Continent and they will see to it that I am returned to normal post haste.” Their parents locked eyes and Nesta could easily decipher the unsaid words. Augusta expected her bootlicking husband to deliver on this one thing or he would regret it.

Over the years, Nesta learned that whatever her mother said, came to pass, so in this moment, there was no need for an overly emotional response to the news. Something Elain clearly was not informed of as she silently wept on the carpet, finding comfort in her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Though the response Nesta would have had if allowed, would not be one of sadness should her mother succumb to this sickness they had still not named.

A dutiful daughter to a fault, or many faults if her mother was to be believed, Nesta simply nodded once in confirmation that she had heard the news, understood that it was no cause for alarm and that things would remain as they had always been. “What a waste of time. If there was no real threat, why in the Mother’s name did they drag Elain and Feyre from their beds at this godsforsaken hour?” she questioned indignantly. 

Without needing to be asked, Nesta managed to cage that snapping wolf and replied evenly to both her parents, “Thank you for advising us of this news. We wish for your swift recovery, mother. Father, if there is anything you may require during this time, please allow me to assist you.”

She then rose from the plush armchair and made to gather her sisters to return them to their beds. Whispered instructions of bidding their parents goodnight were given to Elain and Feyre; a curtsy to their mother and a kiss on the cheek for their father. 

This was normal. This was fine. 

Nesta convinced herself that she was fully capable of digesting this news and moulding herself to fit the most favourable outcome.

The cool sea breeze drifted in through the windows along the upper hallway, bringing with it the soft kiss of night and mountain snow that had fallen in the unseasonably chilly mid-Autumn months as Nesta led Elain and Feyre to their rooms. 

Wishing Elain a good night, Feyre waited quietly by the door. Nesta walked Elain to her bed, holding her hand gently all the while. 

As she tucked their middle sister in, Nesta said the same words she had every night of Elain’s young life, “Sleep well, little sister. It may be dark now, but the sooner you close your eyes, the sooner you will wake to a new sun that cannot wait to shine on you. ” It was followed by what seemed to be Elain’s favourite part of the day: Butterfly kisses from her big sister.

When Nesta rose from Elain’s side and turned to get the littlest of them to bed, she found Feyre already extending her arms to be carried. This was one of the few moments Nesta had alone with her sisters and she felt the need to let all of her masks drop. They deserved to see her for who she hoped to be. The good thing was, they were too young to remember it, anyway.

Scooping Feyre into her arms, Nesta smoothed her hand over Feyre’s cotton soft head and hummed as she walked her to her bedroom. Laying her down on her fluffy pillows, Nesta took a moment to just look at her sweet baby sister’s face; noting all the ways they were so alike. The blue-grey eyes, the spun-gold hair, the light dusting of freckles that made their faces appear to be kissed by the stars… It was the reason Nesta kept Feyre away from her.

Swiping a few stray hairs from Feyre’s forehead, Nesta leaned in to whisper their secret words, “Be brave, be strong, be you. Goodnight, sweet girl.”

As Nesta returned to her bedroom and the solace of her own company, she tried desperately to smother the kernel of hope that glowed within her, shining light on her wish for a future in which her mother did not survive.

~-~-~-~

The only once spoken and gravely understood rule of keeping all news regarding the health of Augusta Archeron on a need-to-know basis was what governed the lives of the Archerons and all staff that worked in, on or around the grounds of their immense estate.

All healers were kept in a separate cottage located on the east side of the grounds overlooking the sea. The chance of anyone sailing directly past was entirely impossible, due to the natural mountains that bordered this particular portion of the lands owned by their family. This allowed for unending consultations without having any prying eyes discovering that all was not as it seemed on the Archeron estate. 

Although the sisters were expressly forbidden from wandering the grounds and disturbing the work or the medicinal herb gardens of the healers, Nesta knew that there must have been a development to their mother’s condition, if solely for the sheer amount of time their father was absent; flitting away to the continent for weeks before seeing him appear at family dinners as if nothing was amiss.

What caused Nesta to pause and contemplate just how dire the situation may have become was when their father had not returned in time for Elain’s ninth name day celebration. This most certainly did not bode well for the sisters. Nesta knew she would need to focus on placing herself strategically in two places at once. Both as a buffer between Elain and her wounded heart at the lack of her doting father, as well as a barricade between Feyre and the incessant need for their mother to nitpick.

Protecting Elain from Augusta grew easier over the years as their father carved out just enough time to see to her every whim. Yes, Elain still had to learn to dance, and play an instrument befitting a lady; she had to nurture her needlework skills and be learned in all the manners with which to secure a husband when the time came, but this was all seen to by her governess and hand selected tutors procured by their father. Nothing was too much for sweet Elain.

Feyre was lucky to have mostly avoided either of their parent’s attentions over her near eight years of life, though much of that was made sure of by Nesta’s supplication at the throne of their mother. Heeding her commandments, walking the straight and narrow path set out before her. Feyre was free to develop as she saw fit. Free to roam; to explore. Free to uncover wondrous things. Feyre was free.

Nesta was left to the wolves. To be cast into the forge fire again and again; made malleable enough to have her imperfections repeatedly hammered out of her by the cruel hands of her grandmother, her mother, or if she was especially unlucky, both of them at once. 

It did not matter though; at twelve Nesta knew the role she fulfilled in her family. Augusta never let her forget it.

Strong to outsiders but forever mouldable to fit whatever role her mother deemed necessary for the betterment of their family. Balancing that knife’s edge was all Nesta was allowed to focus on. To outwardly project perfection while never believing herself above any faults the matriarchs pointed out. 

This was normal. This was fine.

It dawned on Nesta that she had wished for her father’s presence in that moment. Not since she was a youngling had she wanted him in the same room as her. One silver lining was that her grandmother deemed the celebration of Elain wholly unimportant and not worth the trip from her countryside estate.

The sound of breaking glassware followed by barking shocked Nesta back into the present. This could not be a good thing, especially when nearly all of the busybody society mothers were gathered around the front lawn of the Archeron estate. Whatever caused this raucous was sure to land Nesta in the exact situation she had worked so hard to avoid today.

“Excuse me. Let me pass, please.” As soon as Nesta broke through those gathering around the cause of all the noise, she froze. Covered in what could only be the three-tiered strawberry and vanilla cake specifically baked for Elain’s name day, was a previously muddy, now muddy and sticky Feyre. At least Nesta found the source of the barking, as there was a mottled brown pup of unknown origin licking one-half of Feyre’s face clean with a tail that could lift it off the ground if it wagged just that little bit faster. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” Nesta whispered to herself as she began to approach a giggling Feyre who had managed to wrangle the pup into her lap while she began to feed it chunks of the decimated cake.

Augusta appeared behind Feyre; the sea of guests parting for her as if she had an invisible shield around her that wouldn’t - or perhaps couldn’t - allow anyone to get too close. 

“Feyre! Get to your feet at once,” her mother seethed.

The light in Feyre’s eyes immediately dimmed as she looked up at Nesta with pleading in the muted blue pools; as if to say “Help me, sister”. Nesta did the only thing she knew would both appease her mother and protect Feyre, even if that meant the wedge between the sisters would only grow.

“Mother, allow me to attend to this mishap. It is not worthy of your esteemed guests’ attention on such a beautiful occasion that you so meticulously arranged.”

Nesta knew to hide her sweat-clad palms; to remain the picture of easy grace in front of all these pecking mother hens. She also knew the thin line to walk with buttering her mother up while lowering herself to a point that her mother deemed sufficient for this occasion.

Augusta studied her with her all-seeing gaze before turning to those gathered and declaring the distraction over.

“Ladies, it is only so long that we remain without our husbands. We should enjoy the time we have today to look over only those children that we birthed. Let us return to the party.”

Soft laughter turned to hushed gossiping as the women moved in unison, returning to their allotted tables where their statuesque daughters remained; fanning themselves and pointedly looking in every direction except where Nesta was now stood.

The change in Augusta’s features as she levelled her iced eyes on Nesta caused her already frantic heartbeat to reach a fever pitch. This was not the last Nesta would hear of her mother’s feelings towards what had happened here today, it only marked the end of the public display of her ire.

Nesta forced herself to remain outwardly calm. She ran through the mental checklist as she waited for her mother’s instructions. 

Straight back - she lengthened her spine

Soft face - she slipped her tongue between her teeth to loosen her jaw

Long neck - she made room for that all-important imaginary rose tucked under her chin

Gentle hands - she relaxed her fingers and softly clasped her hands at her navel

Easy breaths - she focused on counting to four between each inhale and exhale

“See to it that you do, Nesta. I trust you will handle this matter appropriately, with just punishment for the embarrassment caused to the Archeron name. Feyre is not a babe any longer, perhaps it is time she learns that.”

Augusta’s gaze lingered on the pup that now shivered at Feyre’s feet. Even an untrained animal knew better than to draw attention to itself in the presence of this alpha female.

“The mongrel goes,” Augusta instructed as she left Nesta to manage not only the mess that Feyre caused but, in her mind, the mess that Feyre was . Nesta lowered her eyes in reverence and remained that way even when her mother could not possibly see her; if only to figure out what she would do to continue walking that knife’s edge.

Time to deliver the necessary blows that would put Feyre out of the unyielding reach of their mother. Nesta only hoped this would be the last time she needed to be this person to her baby sister.

Turning to fully face her sister, Nesta forced the venomous words out, “Feyre. Today you have caused this entire celebration to be about you. Has it occurred to you that any of these mothers will remember they were here for Elain’s name day when all they will talk about is how unruly and uncouth the youngest Archeron child is?”

Feyre raised her silver-lined eyes to Nesta as she whispered, “That was not my intent, Nesta. I was not thinking-,”

“No,” Nesta interrupted her, “it is clear that you were not thinking, you never do. You caused embarrassment to our name, Feyre. Above everything, you are an Archeron first. Anything else you wish to be will always come after that. Can you not for one afternoon just act normal?”

“I do not know what normal is, Nesta. I swear I was just trying to remain out of the way. I did not mean to cause such attention, it is only that I got caught up in playing with that sweet pup, and was too late to see the table before I fell.” Feyre wrung her icing-crusted hands as she shifted on her feet.

Nesta made a point to look down her nose at Feyre as she delivered the final blow that she just prayed would bring her sister on the correct path. “You are as feral as that stupid animal at your feet. As punishment, the hound will be taken off the grounds. Go to your room. Remain there until the party is over. I will come see you once I am able.”

Motioning for a footman to approach, Nesta waited for the argument she knew Feyre would make. To her surprise, none came. The only change in Feyre’s demeanour now were the silent tears that fell as she stroked the fluffy ears of the pup before picking it up and meeting the footman that was halfway down the manor steps.

As Nesta watched Feyre hand the pup over to the footman, it was as if she watched the final vestiges of childhood be ripped from her youngest sister. Nesta had caused this. If she only paid closer attention to Feyre, she never would have had a moment to cause such a display.

Feyre shifted on the steps, looked over her shoulder and, with a voice Nesta never wished to hear from her sister, said, “I hate you, Nesta. Do not come to my room after the party has concluded, I do not wish to see you.”

It felt like a dagger to the heart, hearing those words from her littlest sister. But wasn’t that what Nesta had wanted? Better for Feyre to hate her and be safe than get too close and find out just how all-encompassing Augusta’s attention truly was.

This was normal. This was fine. 

~-~-~-~

It is a toughy, I know…

Let me know what you thought of all this in the comments :))

I do intend to have flashbacks that relate to the previous and the next chapters so that we can really trudge through the inner workings of Nesta and what moments have shaped her or marked her; scarred her or damaged her.

Again, hugely grateful to my hero of a husband @a-novel-idealist who puts aside what he is doing to read what I have written and give me praise. I am one lucky wife 💜

~-~-~-~

Echoes of Resilience taglist

@christeareads

@shadowsandlint

@achaotichuman

@c-starstuff-man0

@dawneternal

@jules-writes-stories

@the-darkestminds

@chunkypossum

@secret-third-thing

Let me know if you want on or off the taglist :))

[theytistic]

Balance of power (updated)

In this post, the powers are up to date, maybe they'll change, but I doubt it now. I haven't added the weapons yet, because I need to post about the new weapons system, as well as the Yin-Yang and Chinese element classifications.

Ladybug Miraculous 🐞 Tikki - Kwami of creation Luck charm no longer exists, since creating an object that always guarantees victory (it's a bit of an op, isn't it?), but it now has 3 powers in addition to purification and healing: Genesis, which allows the user to choose an object to create, just like the goat's previous power. Terraforming allows the user to transform the terrain in any way they wish, limited only to creation. And the third is Demiurgy, which is basically transforming one thing into another (transmutation), which must be something equivalent, and is limited to objects only. *Note: The Purification of Akumas has been split with that of the cat, but only works in Symbioses; and the Repair of Luck (Miraculous Ladybug) only works on things destroyed by villains.

Cat Miraculous🐈‍⬛ Plagg - Kwami of Destruction I've changed the cataclysm, now with 3 new powers: Corruption creates an energy in the palm of the user's hand that causes a defect in whatever it touches, being regulated by the user in the intensity of the defect, time to start and what the defect will be, which can be either malfunction or resistance worse than sand. A black hole is a point that can be fixed somewhere and attract everything to a single point, or launched, going in a single direction destroying everything in its path until the bearer deactivates it. And the third is the Feral, which basically increases physical characteristics such as speed, sight and strength, as well as creating claws that cut anything, but only for a short time. *Note: Purification only in Guardians; and the Chaos destroyer (miracle ladybug) only works on things created by villains.

Bee Miraculous🐝 Pollen - Kwami of submission Royalty allows the user to give orders to individuals/beings considered, essentially, inferior, and which cannot be disobeyed, only going out of control when they finish the order. Devotion allows an ally a brief increase in powers, as they are "blessed by a queen" if they accept the bearer as their "superior".

Turtle Miraculous🐢 Wayzz - Kwami of protection Barrier allows you to protect any part of your body, allies or objects with a thick, hard barrier that can last up to a certain amount of damage. Resistance protects the bearer or object, making it invulnerable to physical and magical attacks, creating a wave that pushes opponents away, the weaknesses being the powers of the cat and ladybug (demiurgy).

Fox Miraculous🦊 Trixx - Kwami of Illusion Make believe is basically the mirage, but with the difference that it can't be applied to the user, apart from the illusions becoming "real" for those who believe it is real. Trick is an exchange of senses, allowing you to change the enemy's senses or erase them, the greater the change, the shorter the illusion time.

Peacock Miraculous🦚 Duusu - Kwami of imitation Mimer forces the opponent to imitate his movements until he loses visual contact, even minimally. Kaleidoscope allows you to imitate the last attack received on a smaller scale of power, but with multiple attacks.

Butterfly Miraculous🦋 Nooroo - Kwami of manifestation Symbiosis allows you to create a parasite (caterpillar) which, when it comes into contact with another being with emotions and will, it is forced to follow its main will/desire at the moment, gaining powers to fulfill its desire, and initially it has control of itself, but little by little it loses control and becomes a zombie of its will. Guardian (butterfly/moth) allows you to create a being that will do the bidding of its creator (target), and cannot be controlled, only doing the bidding, with the shape and powers to fulfill that wish. *Note: to cease to exist, you must knock out the villain.

Rabbit Miraculous🐇 Fluffy - Kwami of Multiplication Divider allows the user to split into identical copies, where only the snake can tell the difference, and who share their experiences, being able to split unlimitedly, however, their copies cannot receive much damage, crumbling into smoke.

Snake Miraculous🐍 Sass - Kwami of intuition Clairvoyance allows the bearer to see an ethereal dimension and the essences (inanimate does not possess) of people, thus being able to focus and track a person, from footprints, smell, to seeing through walls;

Goat Miraculous🐏 Ziggy - Kwami of the Opposition Breaker any effect, in itself or in third parties, that the user chooses, will have the opposite effect to the default, before or after receiving the effect, so a slow effect would be agility and vice versa.

Tiger Miraculous🐅 Roarr - Kwami's expression Wave creates a sound wave that the user controls the frequency of and which affects electronics and motor functions, basically being an exchange of senses, and depending on the frequency can break anything.

Ox Miraculous 🐂 Stompp - Kwami of irritation Fury spectrum allows the user to increase their attributes and generate an aura on themselves with any color, the more violet the more powerful, however this depends on your emotions, in addition to the more powerful you get, after the effect wears off, you will feel great muscle pain.

Horse Miraculous 🐎 Kalkki - Kwami of Migration Glitch allows the user to completely transform their body into something ethereal, being able to "teleport" short and/or long distances, since while transformed, the concept of time doesn't exist, thus giving the impression of teleportation when they deactivate their powers. However, while activated, he cannot interact with the world, but he can take things into this ethereal "world", as long as he is holding them.

Dog Miraculous🐕 Barkk - Kwami of cooperation Barkk allows you to create an invisible chain, sharing anything from damage, vision, thought, strength, speed, movement, except powers; being limited to just 1 attribute, but it doesn't have to be between the user and another, it can be opponent and another or user and animals (although it would probably be used for sight, as it's already too cruel to use it).

Mouse Miraculous🐀 Mullo - Kwami of proportion Scale allows the user to change the size of objects, themselves or both, not limited in size, being able to increase or decrease the size, not bringing the complications of the sudden change of size.

Pig Miraculous🐖 Daizzy - Kwami of gratification Payback allows the user to repay a target for their "karma", so the worse the person, the worse this "gift" will be, it could be pain, numbness, bleeding, or if it's good, boost, protection, etc.

Rooster Miraculous🐓 Orikko - Kwami of prediction Sixth Sense allows the user to predict the opponent's actions and the things around them, being limited to only one target at a time.

Monkey Miraculous🐒 Xuppu - Kwami of experimentation Incognito allows the bearer to "add" a characteristic, previously not present in the object, to experiment with the effects, one more being: "what if that ball was heavy" or "what if that pencil was explosive", being totally limited to: not turning the object into something magical (indestructible, repelling magic, those things out of the ordinary for us).

Dragon Miraculous🐉 Longg - Kwami of mystification Awake allows the user to transform and gain abilities from any material she touches when activating her power, "turning" into a dragon/semi-dragon from the material, the abilities vary from material to material, from manipulating it to being able to generate or survive on it.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if bella woke up with 0 human memory like alice after being turned? Not because of electro shock but just a fluke. What would edward/ the cullens do? Jake?

Oh boy.

I'm assuming canon proceeded as usual until this point?

What Does Edward Do?

She can speak and understand English, read and write, all her skills remain she just has no idea what's going on. Doesn't know where she is, doesn't know what she is, doesn't know her name. She has a vague feeling that this isn't what she's supposed to be but what does she know?

This makes things very awkward as Edward's every worst fear comes true: he has erased the love of his life.

He has to now explain to this woman who is a stranger in every way (both body and mind) how this happened, how he is culpable and ripped her apart from her family, how even her memory loss is due to his involvement in her life.

Added to this that Bella's not in love with him. Oh, she clearly finds him attractive, but their love story has vanished for her. She treats him politely if distantly, when he tells her they're married she balks and tries to cover that up. This is no longer the Bella who was head over heels for him.

He's secondary, in fact, to her sudden horror and confusion over having an inhuman daughter. That, to her, is a much bigger shock than even the vampire husband.

I imagine for all Edward wishes to support her and remain with her in this time, he's too emotionally devastated to do so properly. He also likely convinces himself that this is the best for Bella and the only clean break she'll be able to have. He was never good for her and now she no longer has the wrong idea.

Leaving his family to deal with the emotional aftermath and hurricane.

The Cullens

They deal with the emotional hurricane.

Alice is livid with Edward for doing this as it will cause nothing but more devestation. However, with Renesmee, her visions are gone so she has no proof to convince him (even if she did have proof she couldn't convince him).

Rosalie, too, is livid for Edward abandoning his wife when she needs him most as well as his daughter. Yes, this sucks, but they'll just have to start over and Bella will surely fall in love with him again. Running away helps no one, especially when the damage is done.

Emmett, as usual, is staying out of this one.

Esme's upset but doesn't know how to convince Edward to stay.

Carlisle's stuck dealing with an amnesiac and emotional Bella Cullen as well as Renesmee who seems to be aware enough to realize her father went out for cigarettes and never came back.

Jacob

Jacob doesn't give two fucks.

His only priority is Renesmee.

[celestiall0tus]

I love how each of your miraculous pairs and the set of five all have their own wish granting abilities! But it has me curious: what are the wishes of the pairs we haven't seen yet and the wishes we haven't heard about yet?

Had to grab the master list of kwamis for my AUs for this as we'll be adding this to the pinned post.

So, while each has their own effect, you'll find that the emotion ones are extremely similar given the nature of what they are affecting. But, let's get into this:

Ladybug and Black Cat - Fairly straightforward. Anything can be made that is destroyed. However, whatever is to be created, something of equal value must be destroyed. I.e. you want to create life, you'll need to take a life.

Bee and Spider - With the power of Devotion, a holder can make themself or another worshipped like a god, but Betrayal cuts their ties to anyone, preventing them from giving their loyalties to anyone else.

Mouse and Pig - With Perception, a holder can create new alternate realities that are as real as the existing one, but Ignorance forever blinds to the one that they actually live in.

Fox and Lynx - Amongst the most dangerous and paradoxical of Miraculous. With Deception and Honesty, they can alter universal truths and falsehoods. What's false becomes true, and what's true becomes false. And, in their own way, are capable of granting the wish that Gimmi could in show.

Dog and Rooster - Together, Love can create true, everlasting bonds that'll never fade, but Animosity will prevent them from loving anyone or anything else, manifesting terrible contempt within them.

Bat and Tiger - Valor can strip a person of all their fear, but Fear inflicts another with that fear, stealing away their courage forever.

Ant and Goat - TBA

Monkey and Raven - Joy can strip a person of all their sadness, but Sorrow inflicts another with that sadness, stealing away their joy forever.

Horse and Rabbit - With the assistance of Freedom, Connection is able to communicate with the world (should they desire) and will not be restricted by any types of barriers. (one of the few without a steep cost)

Wolf and Owl -Due to the limitations of the human mind, this has the greatest of prices. Knowledge and Intuition are able to open their mind's eye to the fullest and gaze into realms inaccessible. All knowledge is allowed, all possibilities foreseen, allowing them to see even the fabric of the universe. However, for every second they are in this mode, ten humans lose their minds. This continues every second until they leave this mode.

Bull and Koala - the bull can give the holder or another literal boundless energy, never getting tired or running out of energy. But in turn, the koala makes someone else will lose their energy and fall into a coma like state. (Suggested by anonymous)

Robin and Dove - Combined, a pair of holders can access the tapestries woven by the threads of fate. This allows them to rewrite events for any people. However, messing with someone's life events will drastically change the person and the people involved in their life.

Dolphin and Seal - Combined, the holders can alter, adjust, and erase the memories of any person, creature, and event. Once changed, the memories changed or erased will never be remembered again, lost to the waters of oblivion.

Cow and Swan - The only power to create something akin to sentimonsters. When the kwamis come together, they are able to create a living golem. The golem can be any material, but it all depends on the material on hand. If the golem is made of anything except flesh, the body will never grow or weather, sustained by the magic that created. However, it can sustain damage enough to destroy the vessel and release the soul. If made with flesh, they will be human made through magic.

Cicada and Chameleon - Quite literally, reality is in the hands of a pair of holders. They can remold reality to whatever they want and no one would remember except them. So, basically the Gimmi wish from canon, but extra safety steps.

Shark and Bear - TBA

Finally, the set of five:

Snake, Turtle, Dragon, Peacock, and Butterfly - With the power of all five, Health, Protection, Nature, Beauty, and Transformation, they are able to create a paradise, literal Heaven on Earth, a Garden of Eden. However, for every part they make into a paradise, other parts of the planet and sterilized and turned into wastelands, unable to sustain life.

[destinysbounty]

hello i am here to make you talk about avery more. please answer at least 3 of the following:

what are three(+) songs you think describe avery?

what are three(+) songs you think avery would listen to?

who are the three canon characters she's closest to and why?

who are the three canon characters she dislikes most and why?

what's her favorite animal + has she ever had any pets?

if she existed in a no-powers/modern au, what job would she end up with?

what's her go-to drink at a restaurant? how about with at-home meals?

is she more of a morning person or night person or somewhere in-between?

how tall is she in comparison to the ninja?

if she had to fight one of the ninja, who would she pick and why?

(If anyone would like to see some really good art of the aforementioned OC Avery, alongside @oracleofdiscord's OC Estrella, check it out here!)

Who are the three canon characters she's closest to and why?

Lloyd: Avery is a time traveler from a post-apocalyptic timeline centuries into the future, where all the OG ninja are dead/gone and Lloyd is an old, wizened, and immortal ninja teacher. Future!Lloyd didn't like talking much about his past, not wanting to dwell on painful memories, so until she got thrown into the past Avery didn't even know any of the other ninja even existed in the first place. She had a pretty complicated relationship with future!Lloyd, struggling to connect with him on a deeper level due to both of them putting up emotional walls because of their respective traumas/baggage. But now that she's stuck centuries in the past and Lloyd is the only familiar face left in her life, Avery is making a much more concerted effort to connect with and understand him.

Pixal: Avery was thrown into the past circa s4, so she initially only knew Pixal as "that one AI chick that lives in Zane's head". But during s9, Avery joins the Resistance and becomes really close to the surviving ninja, Pixal especially. Her life lived in a post-apocalyptic future has given her the unique qualifications to know exactly how to survive in the wake of the SoG's insurrection, experience that proves vital to the Resistance's efforts. This put her and Pixal in a position of protecting the others, something that fostered a deep bond between them. Pixal would put up a strong front for Nya and Lloyd, but with Avery should could be vulnerable and open about her grief over "losing" Zane. And in turn, Avery opened up about her own losses and traumas as well. The two of them became extremely close during this time, and although she's never acted on it Avery may or may not be harboring an eensy-teensy crush on Pixal.

Jay: Avery and Jay...understand each other, so to speak. Both of them are victims of Nadakhan, both of them having learned the hard way how he can twist your hopes and dreams against you. Centuries after the Teapot of Tyrahn was lost, Avery foolishly tracked it down and used it to wish for an elemental power of her own (since she was insecure about being future!Lloyd's only student without powers). And since Nadakhan is an asshole, he gave her an incredibly broken power that causes her physical pain every time she uses it. That is to say, she can control/produce a highly corrosive acidic substance, but she isn't immune to its effects. And although she's learned how to control it in a way that minimizes the damage done to her body, it's still left a lot of scars on her hands and arms. Jay sought out her help as part of the Ninja Replacement Team, during which time she confided in him about the origins of her power (while leaving out the time travel stuff). Avery and Jay aren't exactly besties - their personalities are just similar enough for them to find each other extremely annoying - but they do also understand each other's trauma in a way that gives them a very profound connection. It also helps that, like Jay and Nya, Avery also remembers the erased pirate timeline. She would ideally be close to Nya for those same reasons, but the tiger widow venom looks visually very similar to Avery's acid and seeing Nya die from it was extremely disturbing to her. Avery's always been afraid of hurting people with her powers, hence why she tends to push people away, but with Nya that ambiguous fear feels a lot more real.

Who are the three canon characters she dislikes most and why?

Ronin: in the Shadow of Ronin video game, Ronin uses an artifact called the Obsidian Glaive to alter and erase memories, and even create false ones. Although it was destroyed during SoR, someone from Avery's future timeline was able to put it back together. One by one, Avery's friends and fellow students were warped, their minds twisted and manipulated by false memories, with the intent of turning Lloyd's own students against him, until only Avery was left. In fact, it was one of these memory-warped students that actually threw Avery into the past in the first place. During the events of SoR Ronin uses the Obsidian Glaive to give the ninja amnesia, and Nya calls Avery in to help with the situation. The moment she sees it in Ronin's hand, she kinda goes feral on him and tries to acid-splash his face off. Although they're able to keep the peace and work together when the situation calls for it, things are still extremely tense and awkward between the two of them.

Nadakhan: for reasons explained above, Avery really, really doesn't like Nadakhan. Her efforts to defeat him in the future were very similar to Jay's efforts in s6, and the entirety of Skybound absolutely decimates her mental health because of it. Avery doesn't have many fears, but she's absolutely terrified of Nadakhan.

Time Twins: at the end of s7 they got lost in a time stream, and ended up far in the distant future - the same future Avery comes from. They are what caused that world to become a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and also restored the Obsidian Glaive to use against Lloyd and his students. They're the ones who turned Avery's friends against her, which likewise resulted in her getting thrown into the past. But since she never told the ninja about her origins, they didn't think to clue her in to their adventures during s7. When she found out after the fact that they'd fought the Time Twins without her, she got really upset about her missed opportunity. To this day, she still fantasizes about getting her revenge on the Twins.

If she had to fight one of the ninja, who would she pick and why?

As mentioned above, she and Jay are extremely similar - similar personalities, temperaments, traumas, tendencies to cope with humor...but the problem is, they're a bit too similar. And because of this, they are very good at annoying each other. She would fight Jay without hesitation, especially during his late-season uwu softboi era. She can and will throw hands with him at the slightest provocation, and he feels much the same about her.

Thanks for the ask!

[nova-dracomon]

Lucky for Me, I Run on Spite and Sweet Revenge

Originally posted on tumblr on October 27, 2022

Posted Updated Version on the Fictionkind Dreamwidth on April 11, 2024

Write about a time that your fictomere completely lost their cool, or a time that someone lost their cool about your fictomere. - 95 [Frenzy]

My strongest noema is that I dark digivolved when I had a chance for revenge against one of the royal knights.

The royal knights are an extension of the supercomputer, King Drasil, who oversees the Digital World and have sworn to do their bidding. The same King Drasil who unleashed a virus to wipe out all but 1% of Digimon. Royal knights are Digimon themselves, but they’re too powerful to dare challenge. After miraculously surviving the x-virus, I was able to escape through a small gap into the human world. No matter how angry I was at first, choosing to fight them instead would be a waste of my life. The idea of continuing to live as an act to spite god was much more appealing. On the other side, I was able to meet a human that became my partner.

I wasn’t the sole Digimon in the human world for long and apparently the little tear I used to travel between worlds wasn’t the only one. Other digimon were able to find similar gaps into the human world, so my human partner and I worked together to keep any dangerous ones at bay. As a digimon, our emotions make us. The closer our bond became, the more resolute and confident my partner was, the powerful the forms I would take. My strength was directly tied to her emotions, will and growth. Over time, we even found other human and digimon pairs that joined us. My partner was way more enthusiastic about them than I was. I never was the most social creature to begin with and time had made me jaded, but they were tolerable. They grew on me at some point.

But bitterness and resentment are like poison. I’ve had minor upsets when digivolving before, I’d be more feral/aggressive, and maybe use more force than was strictly necessary, but I wasn’t…like this. When I was finally going to hit mega, my own hatred and resentment tainted the evolution and I completely lost control. I do not know what I was supposed to become if I had a clear heart, but I transformed into holydramon x. Normally, holydramon is seen as a heroic protector. After having it’s latent powers drawn out by the x-program, it's more akin to a vengeful deity:

“Although there are no visible changes to Holydramon, who has continued to evolve throughout the history of the Digital World, the wild, draconic ferocity it had restrained has been completely drawn out. When facing evil Digimon, it smashes them to smithereens with its brutal, tremendous fighting style, and then erases them in the blink of an eye with its enormous light energy of justice (Holy Blaze), and is starting to become feared as a vengeful god.” - from wikimon.net (image is too)

After writing that last paragraph, I feel like my partner must have played a role in the evolution too. Digimon are hyper-sensitive to the emotions and wishes of humans. Was it only my heart that tainted the evolution? Was my partner filled with anger and despair over how I was treated? Am I placing all of the blame unfairly on my own shoulders? I don’t know. Either way, I doubt I helped the situation given my personality. The thought does warm my heart, not even because I “wouldn’t be totally to blame,” it’s more the thought that someone I care about was outraged on my behalf. It’s proof I wasn’t alone.

In this new form I completely lost control and attacked indiscriminately without care for the damage to the city around me, myself or anyone else from our team. Honestly, my noema gets fuzzy after actually digivolving, but I get the feeling I either lost, tied or the battle was postponed midway through. I also believe it was my partner that was able to pull me back from rampaging.

The extra wild thing I’ve discovered overtime is this became my normal mega evolution. Usually dark digivolutions are “one and done” so to speak. You have something happen, learn your lesson, and become something else, something more virtuous, next time. The more I explore my vaguetype, the more shifts and noemata I experience, I only have holydramon x for this level. When I do experience a mental shift of this digimon, it’s usually accompanied by a calm confidence. For my partner and I, I think it was more about tempering our need for vengeance with mercy and grace. We didn’t need to change who we were, the form wasn’t wrong in the broad sense of the word, but we were taking things too far and distorting them.

When I get angry in the present-day, I try to remember what she taught me. I don’t want to be that monster that defeats opponents at any cost and dies inside along the way.

- Hortense

[all-i-do-is-live-in-daydreams]

I want to erase the entire teen wolf movie from my brain. WHAT WAS TAHT???

THEY MADE THE PACK ESTRANGED LIKE THEY WERE A FOUND FAMILY TROPE AND NOW THEY DONT REALLY TALK ?? LIKE WHAT ??LIKE MASON AND LIAM THE VERY BEST OF FRIENDS DIDNT INTERACT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE WHAT ??

THEY PUT PARRISH AND MALIA TOGETHER ??? FOR WHATEVER REASON?? MOST RANDOM PAIRING IVE EVER SEEN

PUT LIAM IN JAPAN WITH THAT LADY AND NO OFFENSE TO HER BUT SHE WAS ONLY IMPORTANT CUZ SHE WAS USED AS A WAY TO MOVE THE PLOT ALONG YOU KNOW TO PROTECT SCOTT AT THAT ONE PART NEAR THE END ONLY THEY DIDNT EXPLAIN ANYTHINGWITH HER OR HER AND LIAMS CONNECTION IT WAS WEIRD IM SURE I WOULD'VE LOVED HER IF THEY ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT INTO HER CHARACTER

THEY BROKE UP STYDIAAAAA A CRIME A FUCKING CRIME IM SUING MR DAVIS FOR EMOTIONAL DAMAGES I DID NOT WAIT S I X SIIIIXXX WHOLE SEASONS JUST FOR YOU TO BREAK THEM UP AND WITH SUCH A LAME EXCUSE

MR. HARRIS ?? WAS THE BAD GUY ?? WHAT ?? THIS IS MORE RANDOM THAN PARRISH AND MALIA WHAT WERE YALL TAKING WHEN WRITING THIS MOVIE HE WAS AROUND FOR LIKE 1 OR 2 SEASONS MAYBE NOT EVEN THAT JUST IN A FEW EPS( I CANT REMEMBER HE'S THAT INSIGNIFICANT)BEFORE DYING ?? LIKE HE DIED DIDNT HE ?? EVEN IF HE DIDNT LIKE HE WAS SO INCREDIBLY INSIGNIFICANT IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO EVEN REMEMBER WHO HE WAS IN THE SHOW

THEY KILLED DEREK HALE. THEY TOOK HIM FROM ME HIS DEATH WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND NOT TO MENTION COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL TO HIM HE DIED BY BURNING TO DEATHARE YOU KIDDING ME ALMOST HIS ENTIRE FAMILY BURNED TO DEATH AND IT CAUSED HORRIBLE TRAUMA AND NOW HIS SON HAS ALSO WATCHED FAMILY HIS FATHERRR BURN TO DEATH GIVING HIM THAT SAME TRAUMA WTF

All of this and not even mentioning the terrible directing in this movie. None of it moved smoothly at all like ot was weird to watch and even the acting was bad like all around this was a shit movie.

They gave us literally nothing we wanted. The only okay thing in this movie was Eli and having Scallison back, but not even they could save this movie. I kind of wish they had never made it and so I'm going to try to pretend that I've never seen it and that it doesn't exist.

[sweetcloverheart]

Clover Rants Miraculously - Not About You (So why are you there?)

I think I’ve realized what it is that upsets/bothers me about a lot of Adrien’s plotlines/focus episodes in the recent seasons - they aren’t about him.

Like, I mentioned it before in another post, but it just seems like anytime Adrien should be the main focus of a plotline (or at least the driving force), the writers shove him aside to make one of the other characters do everything he should be doing or do it for him. Despite being Ladybug’s partner and the secondary protag, Adrien’s often an afterthought in a lot of the storylines at best, and mostly ends up collateral damage for everyone else’s schemes regarding them with little focus on how he’s being affected.

His dead mother, who’s loss has had a heavy effect on his childhood and affected his homelife - all about his father and his assistant’s grief/obsession over her and their desperate need to bring her back. Adrien’s given maybe one or two scenes to get a little sad at the loss or recollect life before Emilie died (or disappeared - they really should get settled on that), but ultimately we don’t get to have a good look at how it’s affected him. And when we do, it’s immediately sideswiped by the B-plot of the episode and never brought back to focus. The only episode I feel ever properly covered it was the Christmas Special - yes, the holiday musical episode was the only episode I feel properly tackled how Adrien is processing his mother’s “death”. Make of that as you will.

His breakup with Kagami, which was caused by him constantly having to lie to her in order to keep his superhero identity and activities a secret - immediately turned into how this can help Adrienette finally sail as Kagami immediately becomes part of the shipping crew despite have had just broken up with the dude (and over how she doesn’t consider him trustworthy no less - so it’s totes fine he put her friend Marinette through the same thing!). There’s no reflection on how he regrets making Kagami come to distrust him, or lamenting on how his job as a hero has hurt a relationship he had been coming to appreciate, or even mild resentment towards Plagg and his role as Chat Noir as he’s forced to face a legitimate emotional demerit with his superheroing that isn’t “Ladybug won’t date me” and realizes the freedom he craved from his alter ego comes with such a steep price tag. You’d at least think Adrien would be allowed to mourn over the end of his first relationship, right? Nope, instead, he immediately jumps back to mooning over Ladybug, as if that chapter with Kagami never happened. Best we get of any “aftermath” is Kagami glaring at him for a few episodes before “Risk” has her give him that blunt peptalk and admitting in S5 that the way he treats Marinette (now that he’s in love with her) is how she wished he’d treated her in their relationship (Which...not gonna lie, is kind of a bad look for him - especially with the whole “Oh yeah, Kagami’s in love with Adrien again” thing).

His status as an artificial magically made being - all about how his cousin is so angry at how little control he has over himself and from the abuse he suffered for it, and projected that resentment onto Adrien and his friends (Which makes everything that happened in “Felix” and “Strikeback”...super messy when you consider the new context). You’d think “Emotion” would have Felix revealing his cousin’s true origins to him in an effort to get him on his side, or Adrien learning the truth as an unintended byproduct of the Red Moon disaster and grappling with that - but instead of any of that, we get nothing. Adrien doesn’t even know/seem to realize the deeper why of Felix going so far as erasing every person in Paris except for himself and Kagami, or understand how it involves him (and if bible spoilers are taken to heart, it seems like he never will...), and instead is made to forgive his cousin for again upheaving his life/hurting his friends over his own personal trauma. Meanwhile, Gabe and Nathalie are fighting over his amoks like a pair of toddlers forced to share the tv remote, making it all about how they have conflicting ideas on what’s best for Adrien and his life when it should be about, you know - Adrien finding out his parents (and now Nathalie) basically puppet him when he doesn’t play “perfect son” and how he might feel about that!

His father being the main villain - all about how Marienette (and Nathalie, and Felix, and Emilie, and the Kwami) must keep his secret and allow the magical terrorist who has been terrorizing France a full year (or few months - seriously, the show needs to shore up its timeline) to die a hero in the eyes of his son, who has been the main victim of his father’s criminal activities what with the constant gaslighting and emotional abuse and using unfair punishments on him so he could create Akumas from his friends or keep him out of the way of his schemes. And it’s not even being done for Adrien’s sake, even though the leak claims it’d “break his heart” to know - nah, this is all for Gabriel, who must be remembered not as the terrible awful villain who manipulated children and once turned up at a young girl’s house to threaten her, but the poor, downtrodden soul who was forced into being a cackling supervillain because he seriously couldn’t be bothered to have his kwami make an akuma with super healing powers or something. Gabriel must have whatever he wants as our “pitiful grey villain” as a reward for his “struggles”, and if what he wants is for Adrien to only remember the (nonexistent mind you) “good times” he shared with his son, then that’s what he’ll be given - no matter how infantilizing and downright despicable it is to Adrien’s character to have every major person in his life that he trusts unquestionably deceive him over something he has every right to know as the main wounded party, even if he isn’t privy as to why and how he counts yet.

And yeah, I know - “Marinette’s the main protagonist” “It’s a girl’s show” etc, etc. The problem for me isn’t “Why isn’t Adrien, a boy, the main character of this girl power tvshow?” - it’s “Why isn’t Adrien, the deuteragonist and the main focus of these storylines, not actually the main focus of them?”, it’s “Why is Adrien, one of the two main characters, in these storylines if you aren’t actually going to have him do anything significant/important to move them forward, let alone resolve them?”, it’s “Why is Adrien, who’s father is the main antagonist, not being allow to confront him or learn this, and having this be presented as good for the character who has been the biggest victim of Gabemoth’s BS since day one!?”

[tragedicna]

SIBYL'S STORY part one | part two

Excerpt from Project Clynes, as written by O. Debeaux, research fellow:

[...] Despite being unconscious, it seems like Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ is still capable of experiencing pain, but it is completely unclear if she has full understanding of what is happening. Dr. Marst says that consent has been given by next of kin as Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ is incapable of doing so, and that Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ has been declared brain dead. When speaking to her, there is brain activity that seemed to indicate that Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ is capable of understanding speech, or in the least, have the ability to react to sound stimulus. I have my doubts in the declaration of her status; however, Dr. Marst has reminded me that my job is just to make observations, not form opinions. Due to the damage done to her internal organs as well as to about 65% of her skin surface, the plan was to replace unusable organs with bionic replicas and to patch uneven skin with silicone and other skin-like substances. There has been discussion to alter her facial features, though I am unclear as to the goal of such a thing. Currently they are exploring ways to maintain the viable parts of her brain and replace the damaged areas with computers or cybernetic replacements. I have my doubts that it will succeed before she dies from stress.

They began with repairing her damaged organs and parts of her body, making sure she was stable and able to breathe on her own. They tried to replace all the parts that weren't viable were removed and replaced with bionic parts to mimic that of her human body…If they could, they’d remove her need to consume sustenance to continue; however, with Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ still partially human, and with the want to keep her somewhat HUMAN, they decided to do what they could to repair the damage.

When it came to her brain, the testing began slowly…First with trying to understand the extent of the damage done, then trying to figure out what portions of her brain would they need to keep and what part should they implant the cybernetic parts into…They decided they wanted her to maintain some of her humanity to make her more relatable and beloved by the civilians, but they also wanted SOME sort of control over her emotions and brain capabilities.

It was a slow and tedious process of testing, replacing, poking, prodding…All done while Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ had been fully aware and mentally conscious of what is being done. Just imagine being imprisoned in your own mind and yet, not being able to scream in pain or reject the testing…All she could do is writhe in agony and wait until it passes, wishing death upon herself…Though, these were all thoughts she would never remember having.

It was unclear if they had been successful with their tinkering, but with the most important part was seeing if they could rouse Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ from her medically induced coma to see the effects of their work. The real hell began for her once she roused….

The testing, the tinkering, the poking and prodding of needles and scalpels…It’s never ending. They renamed Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ as S I B Y L …Forever erasing the officer’s existence from the world, and almost as if it’s an act of mercy, the researchers attempted their first MIND WIPE and perhaps that was the first time Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ found peace in their own body…

For Officer ▇▇▇▇▇ no longer existed.

Just Sibyl. Only Sibyl.

[writingmysinsaway]

It didn't happen

"It didn't happen", they say as if my years of torment are a figment of my imagination, as if the deep scars it left on my mind do not have a cause, as if the version of me that emerged from the pain didn't rise from the ashes of the old me and how I miss the old me because-

-because the old me could speak freely without stutters, her soul stayed in her body while mine temporarily leaves and I forget- I forget the last seconds, the last days, the last weeks, the last months, I forget time itself and it's passing like a river. Sometimes the current is strong and sometimes it's not and I'm getting pulled with it, never really being aware.

"It didn't happen", they say and they can walk away but I cannot because I cannot walk away from me, this new version of myself I have to live with but don't truly know, like a stranger whose flaws and personality I have to get to know all over again. I have been losing parts of me and gaining new ones.

"It didn't happen."

The newfound intensity of my emotions takes me down the rabbit hole, dragging me down to lows I have never experienced before, to a place where I am scared of myself for myself.

"It didn't happen."

My anxiety has been fed with each incident and it has been growing bigger, now it is so big that it clouds my intuition. My anxiety tries to act like a clairvoyant but really my anxiety is not and is trying to protect me from the worst outcome possible by preparing me for it and yet it damages me more than it does protect because I lack control in those scenarios.

"It didn't happen."

It has altered the way I view people and I am not sure if the new me could ever trust like the old me again. I've been stripped off the innocence and naivety that looks past the darkness just to find a speck of light in someone. Now I'm looking for the darkness in a person instead to not let it seep through me, because I know that the pretty is hiding the ugly underneath.

I also know that their darkness will make me relive the darkness of those I have already escaped.

"It didn't happen."

And for them it never happened. But for me it happened, it is happening and it will happen.

I am forced to relive and experience the past in the present and in the future, involuntarily time traveling as it comes back to haunt me, reminders of it hiding behind every corner.

"It didn't happen" as if the aftermath of it does not exist, as if my brain chemistry is not altered and not only do they refuse to acknowledge the victim but they refuse to acknowledge the crime. They refuse to acknowledge my reality which they seem to think can be bent or altered and I wish they were right so I could erase those parts myself; I wish I could.

"It didn't happen."

I wish it was that easy to change the narrative, but it's written and printed, a part of my book.

Even if you tear the page out, it would only create gaps but the plot that follows stays the same.

[bloodymoonxvampire]

🎵 ! 

SEND   IN   “ 🎵 “   FOR   A   SONG   /   SONGS   THAT   I   THINK   FITS   OUR   MUSES   &  AN   EXPLAINATION   AS   TO   WHY !

Did you hide yourself away? I can't see you anymore Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul Did you hide yourself away? Are you living through the ghost? Did you finally find a place above the shadows So the world will never know... The world will never know you like I do

YOU ALL KNOW I’VE BEEN STRAINING AT MY LEASH TO GO OFF ABOUT THIS SONG.  I’ve posted it more than once.  insert image of me foaming from the mouth or whatever

But I wish I could feel it all for you I wish I could be it all for you If I could erase the pain Then maybe you'd feel the same I'd do it all for you I would, I would, I would, I would

Both of these songs deal with the frustration of loving someone who is closed off and resistant to healing, with the second one referring specifically to an emotionally distant online relationship.  What’s particularly notable to me about Koga and Rei’s relationship is that Koga, initially, was just trying to catch the eye of someone he idolized.  A faraway hero figure, really.  This wasn’t a friend or anyone with any connection to him.  However, his... persistence? got him a front row seat to witness arguably some of the lowest points in Rei’s life-- and that’s about it.

And I want to be clear, he had no real reason to stick around once that illusion of grandiosity was shattered.  Once Rei started to lose steam and push everyone away, he only went further and further downhill from there.  There was absolutely no payoff for Koga.  The unit they had together ended up disbanded after remarkably little activity, and Rei was never around.  Most people would take hints from this-- whether true or not-- that this person, who again is not even a friend, does not want them around and is not going to warm up to them.  Some might recognize that this is a person who needs help, but plenty of them would also realize that they are not going to be able to be that help.

And maybe Koga did come to those conclusions.  It hardly matters.  Somewhere along the way, it stopped being an issue of “fixing,” at least entirely.  What we know of emotional damage is it cannot be fixed.  What comes out on the other side is not a repaired version of what went into turmoil in the first place.  For every time Koga might have mentioned how Rei “used” to be, there might have been three others where he went out of his way to navigate the man in front of him now, instead.  Where he learned and adapted to new truths that, again, he never had any real reason to in the first place if it were just about the idolization.

This is what their history dictates-- who they were brought them to where they are.  Somewhere along the way, the definition of the love Koga felt for Rei shifted.  It wasn’t about fixing, it wasn’t about putting a man on a pedestal who no longer existed.  Undeniably, despite everything, they did grow to be very, very close.  And really, there’s no one in the world who knows Rei quite like Koga does, having seen him personally at his worst and best, as an unwelcome stranger and as a close friend.  Their bond is unique, and it really does stem from Koga’s refusal to give up on a boy who, for all intents and purposes, wanted nothing to do with him.  It’s tragic, and it must have been so frustrating for someone so young to endure, but I can’t help but admire him for it.