#I reached out to countless psychiatrists and therapists to get help

[afterthedreamer]

.

[bpdarlingx]

It's not as simple as 'reaching out'

I HATE when people state that people with mental illness have to reach out for help and can't expect people to deal with them until they heal, as if it's as simple as calling a helpline and then we're miraculously cured.

For the past 10 years I have been 'reaching out'. I have seen psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists, social workers, peer support workers. I've been hospitalised 9 times (3 of which I was involuntarily sectioned). I've tried 15 different psychotropic medications including anti-depressants, mood stabilisers & anti-psychotics. I've tried countless forms of therapy - DBT, ACT, CBT, Art/ music therapy, schema, cognitive analytical therapy etc.

I have reached out and was met with: 18 month waiting lists for specialist help Dismissive & gaslighting doctors who don't listen or even want to help Therapists who refuse to work with me because of my BPD diagnosis Being told I'm 'too complex' and my conditions are never going to get better Being completely sedated by medication because doctors would rather me not be an issue to others instead of actually helping me

Blamed for the abuse I sustained as a child and traumatising things that have happened to me and being completely re-traumatised

All this and then I get the honour of paying $200p/h for these 'professionals' to 'help' me.

I have been dehumanised and vilified by almost every doctor/ psych I have seen over the past 10 years. Not listened to , over medicated and left hollowed out, worse off and hopeless; so no... it's not as simple as 'reaching out' and mentally ill people deserve healthy relationships even if we aren't in therapy.

[byunmyeon]

Metanoia

↳ pairing: lee suho x reader

↳ synopsis: this is the sequel to philophobia. the world of red strings is one you haven’t been able to see for a long time, and now that you’ve found your unwilling soulmate, you have no interest in regaining that sight.

↳ warnings: language, angst, angst, and more angst, mentions of depression, mentions of death

— note: due to popular demand, here’s part two!

Something was wrong.

There wasn’t some pivotal event or action that made Suho conscious of the shift, he just knew. This premonition could’ve been assessed as an erroneous inkling that emanated from the vast rift between you two, but you hadn’t given any indication that the lack of recognition from your soulmate was the cause. In fact, you seemed perfectly content with disregarding Suho’s existence.

An entire month had gone by since you confronted him, and the entire situation had passed without further incident. Neither one of you had spoken since that ill-fated day.

However, it was impossible not to notice the drastic change in your character. The way you smiled was different in a way that seemed off, and there was also a certain enervation constantly embracing you. But the biggest difference was your lack of interest in just about anything. Suho might’ve thought it had everything to do with him, but again, there was no clear indication of that.

Nonetheless, ignoring you didn’t make him unaware of the unnamed sensation that had latched itself onto him since then.

It’s not like Suho wanted to notice the contrast in your behavior, but it was something he couldn’t help. Every time you came within a ten meter radius, his eyes would compulsively find their way over to you. Suho was always careful to not get caught staring, although it hardly mattered. It’s not like you looked in his general direction anymore. And even when you did happen to meet his gaze, it was for a fleeting moment that passed by so quickly that it couldn’t even be considered a full second.

Your uncharacteristic disposition made him worry. Not for you, but for him. Suho was deeply concerned that you might expose your shared secret in an abrupt moment of anger and hurt. That’s all it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

To his relief, that moment never came.

Even in the face of all the hurtful things he had said and done, you didn’t mention to Jugyeong that Suho was your soulmate. It was a development he hadn’t expected. Sure, you had told him, no, promised him that you would keep silent about the string that bounded you two together, but he was convinced that you could easily change your mind whenever you felt like it. You hadn’t.

Truthfully, your selfless act made him develop a fondness for you. Suho hadn’t expected you to be so understanding and considerate since it seemed like you were genuinely hurt that he didn’t care to acknowledge the bond between you two. That was the part he still couldn’t wrap his head around. You ignored the red string that tied you two together since the day you transferred without any qualm. Your actions convinced him that you wanted nothing to do with the soulmate bond, with him.

“What’s up with Y/N?” Taehoon wondered one day as he set his lunch tray beside Suho’s. “She isn’t looking so good these days.”

The rest of the group agreed.

“Maybe we did something to upset her.” Jugyeong said with a worried frown. Her pretty eyes drifted over to the lonely girl who was currently picking at her food. “She hasn’t wanted to hang out with us since we finished our exams.”

Suho let his own gaze fall over to you. It was true that you had kept your distance since before he officially asked Jugyeong out, but he didn’t think his girlfriend would care too much since you two weren’t that close to begin with. Seeing her so upset didn’t sit well with him.

Maybe he could convince you to start hanging out with Jugyeong and the rest of the group more often. Yes, that’s exactly what he would do. After all, doing him one more favor wouldn’t kill you.

Most people would say that you made a mistake for letting Suho go. Among those people would be your very own mother. You didn’t even want to think about what would happen if she came to find out that you gave up your soulmate without putting up a fight. It wasn’t something you were necessarily proud of, but you weren’t ashamed of your decision. Okay, so maybe refusing to acknowledge your other half wasn’t right or even sane, but you felt comfortable with your decision.

Well, that wasn’t exactly right.

The reality of your soulmate easily ignoring the string he could see was heart-wrenching. More often than not, seeing him and Jugyeong together would cause a stabbing pain in your chest. It would last no more than a second, but it was agonizing enough to have you regretting your righteous choice.

As time when on, the pain worsened and would prolong itself to the point where it became difficult to breathe. There were even instances where black dots would cloud your vision and had you feeling extremely lightheaded. Those times, however, were nothing compared to the occasions when you came close to fainting. Deep down you knew it was because there was a severe imbalance weaved in the depths of your bond.

But you couldn’t be bothered to truly acknowledge it.

Who needed a soulmate anyway?

There had always been an indescribable tension when you were around Suho. Before, you had wrote it off as nerves from being around someone who was as prickly as he was attractive. That was before you knew the truth, of course. You two had never been close, and after finding out that he was the one on the other end of your red string, you were sure you never would be.

Which is exactly why you couldn’t figure out the reason he suddenly came up to you while you were sitting outside on one of the lone benches. He didn’t hesitate to sit next to you, the action coming naturally like it was something he did everyday.

“Jugyeong says you haven’t hung out with her in a while.” Suho said in a slow drawl. “Is it because of me?”

You wished you could’ve scoffed and told him that the world didn’t revolve around him, but you couldn’t. Because even if the world didn’t, yours did.

“I haven’t been feeling well lately.”

It was the truth. Your chest pains were only getting worse as the days went on. It was hard enough to hide it from your mother, you didn’t need the pressure of also hiding it from your classmates.

Suho didn’t seem the least bit concerned for your not-so-well-being, and it had a familiar ache nipping at your heart. You longed to see his face change with even the tiniest bit of emotion. Just so you could feel, even for a fleeting moment, that the bond wasn’t one-sided. After seeing the indifference he looked at you with, you decided to look straight ahead to spare yourself any further heartache.

“Being alone won’t make you feel any better.”

It couldn’t make you feel any worse.

Suho frowned when he saw your unchanging expression. He could never get used to the blank nothingness of it. Not when your joyful expressions had once lit up an entire room.

“I thought you’d be happy that I’m staying away from Jugyeong.” You finally said, still unwilling to look at him.

It made him happier than he cared to admit, but it didn’t make her happy. The entire point of talking to you was to bring Jugyeong the same amount of happiness she’d brought him. If it meant having to swallow his pride and ask you for yet another favor, then so be it.

“She thinks she did something to upset you.” Suho explained. “So I came to ask you to start talking to her again—as a favor.”

His impassive attitude made you feel crestfallen. You knew he couldn’t care less about the bond, about you, but it still hurt to see that he didn’t care to spare your feelings at all. It took everything in you to respond in a strong, calm tone.

“And you’re okay with me talking to her again?”

“I’m fine as long as you stick to our agreement.”

You nodded slowly, pensively. If it would make Suho happy, then you would do it.

“Okay.”

That was his cue to leave, but he found himself unwilling to do so. Immediately, Suho assumed it was because your souls were intertwined with one another which, in turn, fueled the natural instinct to be close to you. That had to be it.

Suho cleared his throat and stood up. “I’ll see you around.”

Sitting across a psychiatrist was something you never thought you would have to do again. And yet, you found yourself sitting across from the infamous Dr. Kwon. The aforementioned doctor was known worldwide for his trailblazing research on the enigmatic soulmate bond. His fame soared when he revealed that he had successfully treated people who were rejected by their soulmates. For an entire year, it was all anyone could talk about.

And like a moth to a flame, your mother was quick to reach out to his office and make an appointment for a consultation. There was a five month waiting list for this, and now it was finally your turn to meet with the prestigious psychiatrist, much to your dismay.

“There’s no need to feel nervous,” he said kindly when he noticed your uncomfortable posture. “Anything you tell me will stay between the two of us.”

You had heard the same thing countless times, but the words always seemed disingenuous no matter who they came from. Even if Dr. Kwon had treated people who had soulmate problems, you were sure that he’d never met someone like you. His eyes were kind, but you didn’t know whether you could trust him. Plenty of the other specialists had also been kind at first until they realized that treating you like a lab rat would lead to a life of fame and fortune.

“Your mother tells me that you were unofficially diagnosed with philophobia. She believes the cause of your condition is due to the fact that you are unable to see your string of fate.”

You weren’t surprised that your mom had told him everything about you already. She had made the same mistake with all the other doctors and therapists. You could deny it, but you figured if you were to become a lab rat, you couldn’t be in better hands.

“She also mentioned that you haven’t been yourself lately.”

Shit. You hadn’t thought that your mom had caught onto your behavior. The simple thought of her finding out the secret you were desperately trying to keep hidden made your stomach twist with panic.

Your shrug was uncommitted as you fought to control your expression. “She’s thought that since I told her I couldn’t see my string anymore.”

Dr. Kwon hummed. “Your mother is convinced that a severe trauma led you to lose the sight of your string. Would you mind telling me about that?”

You clutched the sleeves of your uniform as a way of comfort. Talking about that was something you never wanted to do. Somehow, spending an entire year repeating the story to countless specialists never helped you get over it. Despite that, you knew your mother wouldn’t forgive you if you didn’t make the effort to “get better.”

“Around the time I turned eleven, I found out that my parents were getting a divorce.” You began. There was a harsh edge to your words that you couldn’t control. “They were soulmates, but my dad said that he didn’t love my mom anymore.”

Dr. Kwon nodded, encouraging you to go on.

“This one day, he decided to drive me to school instead of letting me take the bus. On the way there he told me about this woman he’d met like I’d actually be happy for him or something. I got so angry that I just– I just snapped.”

It was silent for a moment before you continued.

“I told him that I hated him. That I would never forgive him for hurting my mom.” You swallowed thickly. “That was the last thing I said to him before we got into a car accident. He died on the way to the hospital.”

You didn’t realize that the moisture in your eyes was dripping down your face until Dr. Kwon handed you a tissue. He didn’t say anything for a while, and it surprised you. Most of the specialists you had seen couldn’t keep their thoughts to themselves after hearing your story.

“It’s not your fault.” Dr. Kwon said. “You feel an extreme guilt, but you shouldn’t. We all say things we don’t mean, and parents know that better than anyone.”

His words were comforting, but his kind expression was marred when he started speaking like a doctor. You only half-listened to Dr. Kwon, not interested in his spiel about how making an attempt to picture your string might help. If only he knew that over the better part of your early adolescence, visualizing that stupid red string was all you did.

You hadn’t realized that your time with him was nearly over until he started writing on his clipboard. It made you feel relieved, in a way. But there was still one thing you needed. You couldn’t leave without asking him about the one thing that had been weighing on your mind.

“Doctor,” your voice was hesitant. “You’ve treated patients whose soulmates rejected the bond, right?”

“That’s right.”

“Has… Has anyone ever died from being rejected?”

Dr. Kwon shook his head. “Most of them complained about chronic chest pains, but they faded over time after they got used to being away from their soulmate.”

You swallowed thickly. That’s not what you were hoping to hear.

“So, if someone were to constantly be around the person who rejected them… it could be fatal?”

This time, you caught the subtle narrowing of his eyes. Shit. He was onto you. “Is there a reason you’re asking me this?”

“I’m just curious. You’re the only doctor who’s come close to figuring out the real effects of rejecting the bond.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but answered you anyway. “It’s possible, but I can’t be certain since I haven’t had a patient who was willing to be around their soulmate after being rejected.”

You nodded, not liking the ugly feeling in your chest.

“I’m willing to keep working with you.” He said, seemingly not interested in the motives behind your questions. “Hopefully, we can reverse your condition.”

“I have no intention of seeing the string again.”

Dr. Kwon was taken aback. “Y-You don’t? Why?”

Because I already found my soulmate and he loves someone else. The truth was on the tip of your tongue, but you knew you couldn’t tell him.

“I just don’t.”

The first time you went an entire day without experiencing the chest pains was the same day you spent an entire lunch period with Suho.

Since the back of the school was now tainted with horrible memories, you could no longer go back there to find solace. Now your new designated safe space was the school’s rooftop. You were content with listening to music and feeling the warm breeze on your skin. It was also extremely private, which meant that if you did experience the chest pains, no one would see.

Your eyes were closed in blissful peace when you suddenly felt a presence beside you. Unaccustomed to the sudden company, you jumped with shocked fear. Once you saw that it was Suho who was sitting next to you, your heart was racing for an entirely different reason. He hadn’t said much. Unexpectedly, he asked you what you were listening to.

That’s how you found out you shared the same taste in music.

The second time you went an entire day without feeling the chest pains was the day you stumbled on a crying Suho.

He was completely overcome with grief that he didn’t seem to care that he was in the middle of the hallway. You quietly took him to the roof where he collapsed on you. The way he clutched onto you reminded you of an inconsolable child—fearful and in need of comfort. You listened to him as he told you about his late friend and his battle with depression.

Your heart ached with every word he told you, but if countless hours of therapy had taught you anything it was that venting could do wonders for the soul. Eventually, his sobs turned into sniffles. He hadn’t let go of you and vice versa.

After that, Suho didn’t say anything and neither did you. Unbeknownst to the either of you, the connection between you two had gotten stronger. There was an inexplicable congruity between you now, one that allowed you to understand and empathize with each other’s feelings.

You two never mentioned it again, but something shifted after that day.

It had been a month since you last felt the scathing pain. Now it was only a tolerable discomfort that you grew used to. You and Suho weren’t close, he still had his girlfriend, but now there were these moments that you experienced every so often. Ones that seemed more intimate than any relationship you could ever have. Those times were the happiest you’d felt in years.

“Things are pretty serious between Suho and Jugyeong.” Soo-ah said when you two entered the lunch room. “He wants her to study abroad with him after graduation.”

This was news to you, and that familiar discomfort soon settled on the left side of your chest. In spite of knowing that nothing had changed, you still felt like a complete fool. How could you be so delusional? Suho had only been kind to you a handful of times, and you were sure it had only been out of pure instinct. It had been because the link between you two had pushed him to do it.

Suddenly, the discomfort grew into that familiar, unwelcome stabbing pain, one greater than all the others you had felt so far. You let out a loud cry, the high-pitched noise sounding horrifying even to your own ears. The dizziness never came this quickly, but now it was clouding your senses within seconds. It had you stumbling into Soo-ah, and you grabbed ahold of her sleeve to try to steady yourself. You could see her mouth moving, but her words were muted. Oh no.

The pounding in your head and the sharp pains in your chest came in waves. It didn’t take long for the dark spots to appear. Fuck.

The last thing you remembered was seeing Soo-ah and a gathering crowd above you before darkness overcame you.

“Y/N.”

The distant sound of your name being called was enough to have you slowly opening your eyes. Your vision was blurry and unfocused. All you could make out was being in a brightly lit place that had you wincing. Where were you?

In the next second, you felt a pair of arms wrap around you. The familiar scent of your mom’s perfume made you relax.

“How are you feeling?”

It was a man’s voice who asked the question, and you nearly choked on your own spit when you saw Dr. Kwon standing beside the hospital bed. His presence shocked you since you had only met him once and weren’t officially his patient. However, you managed to assure him that you felt fine.

For a second, you thought everything would be fine. After all, there was no technology that was capable of determining that your collapse was related to your fractured soulmate bond. That is, until Dr. Kwon decided to speak up.

“You’ve met your soulmate, haven’t you?”

It wasn’t really a question. Your panicked eyes fell over to your mom. The look she gave you had you wincing. Fuck.

“What!? Y/N—”

“Mom,” you said, panicked. “It’s not– I don’t—”

“I’ve spoken with the doctor who treated you. She said that there’s been an enormous strain on your heart.” His voice had an underlying hardness that tipped you off on the anger he was feeling. “That’s why you asked me about my patients the other day, isn’t it?”

You remained silent, and it gave him his answer.

“You know who your soulmate is. They rejected the bond, but you haven’t. That’s why your chest pains have gotten worse.”

Before you could try to refute any of his claims, your mother went crazy.

“Who is it!?” She yelled. “Tell me right now so I can tell him to stop hurting my daughter!”

You attempted to calm her down, but your attempt was in vain. There was no possible way to settle her emotions. Not when her worst fear had been realized. You tried to ease her mind by reassuring her that you would go away in order to receive treatment from Dr. Kwon, not realizing that Suho was standing outside the room and heard everything.

Dr. Kwon managed to calm your mother down and convinced her to take a walk with him. It was late in the evening now, and you felt extremely relieved to finally be left alone with your thoughts. You got all of two seconds of contemplation because in the next second, Suho pulled the door open and walked into your room.

He didn’t say anything at first, but his face was the picture of tortured. You furrowed your eyebrows, unable to understand why he seemed so distraught.

“You’re dying.” Suho’s voice trembled. “Because of me.”

The fact that he somehow found out went over your head. You wished you could say no. No it’s not because of you. But you couldn’t. Trying to reassure him would’ve been futile. He knew. You both did. The urge to cling onto the severed bond would be fatal if you didn’t get help. Despite knowing all that, you wished to ease his pain. You could’ve laughed at your own foolishness because right now it was you who was laying in the hospital bed.

“I won’t die.” You told him feebly. “I’ll leave. Once I get used to being away from you, I’ll be okay. We can both live normal lives.”

Suho wanted to tell you that he didn’t want you to leave. That his life hadn’t ever been normal, and he was fine with that as long as you could be part of it.

“You didn’t reject the bond. Why?”

You looked up at the white ceiling. The tears were pooling in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall. There was no point in hiding it anymore. Not when you were hospitalized because of him.

“I can’t see my string.”

Your confession hung in the air like a dark cloud. It was silent before you decided to continue with your revelation.

“I haven’t been able to see it since I was thirteen.” You tried to swallow the lump in your throat. “That’s why I didn’t acknowledge you when we first saw each other. I didn’t know.”

The candor of your words had Suho staggering back. It felt like someone shoved a blade straight through his heart. Finally, everything made sense. It’s not that you weren’t interested in your soulmate, it’s that you hadn’t known he was right in front of you. He couldn’t stop the tears from gathering in his eyes. What had he done?

“I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate.” You confessed, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Even after I found out that it was you and you didn’t feel the same way, I never wished that I hadn’t met you. I never wished that the bond didn’t exist.”

You knew he couldn’t say the same since the evidence of just how much he didn’t want the bond was displayed in your current physical state.

“You should leave,” you told him even though the words pained you greatly. “My mom will get suspicious if she sees you.”

Only a small piece of your heart broke when he listened to you.

When Jugyeong and Suho broke up, it was the talk of the entire school. You yourself couldn’t make sense of the sudden separation, but you told yourself that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t any of your business.

You only said goodbye to a handful of people when the last day at Saebom High came around. Your short stay at the school didn’t give you an opportunity to make many friends, and it’s not like you truly wanted to remember your experience at the school.

Before you could walk through the front gates toward your new life, you were stopped by the sound of your name being called.

“Y/N!”

You turned, feeling your eyes widen when you were suddenly wrapped up in your soulmate’s warm embrace. His sudden change in attitude shocked you so much that you weren’t sure how to react.

“Don’t leave me. Please.”

For the first time since you’d met Suho, you felt no need to placate him. After everything that happened, you couldn’t go back on the promise you made to your mother. You needed to get better. Not for Suho, but for yourself.

“I’m sorry.” You were sincere. “This time, I’m leaving you behind.”

He pulled back. The pain in his eyes was another strike to your chest, but you knew you couldn’t give in.

“Goodbye, Lee Suho.”

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about loss and derealisation

I’ve always had issues with anxiety. It held me back for years, to the point where I got sick frequently. It got a lot better, and I’ve been doing well & been happy. However, lately I haven’t been feeling myself. I’m not sure when it started, but a while before I realized I felt this way I started smoking weed for the first time. Since the first time smoking I’ve smoked almost every night going on 2 months through a dab pen and an occasional joint. After a few weeks of smoking, my grandpa passed away. I’ve never had a death in my family before and even though his wasn’t unexpected, I was in shock. I had a hard time accepting he was gone. I didn’t cry. I just kind of shut it out. A few days later I started having cold symptoms. It escalated into a severe migraine that lasted almost a week, consistent that didn’t stop. I was scared I had something wrong with me. I got a shot and it eased away, but I still felt very down and lifeless. It’s now been a month later and it’s only gotten worse. The way I look at my life is different; it’s almost like I feel out of my body. I feel like I’m watching my life and not living it. My headache is still there faintly. I’ve still been smoking - because it’s such a habit. I had a horrible panic attack a few weeks ago smoking. I felt like I was hearing voices and hallucinating. I looked up how I felt and the symptoms of derealization matched so well I started freaking out. I was almost confused on what was even going on around me. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. It feels like I’m in a dream, not reality. Just wondering if it’s the smoking, the stress from my grandpa, or if my anxiety has finally reached it’s peak and I’m going through a psychotic break?

Hey lovely,

It sounds like there’s been a lot going on. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having to deal with all of that. 

It’s good that you managed to identify that smoking weed might have been a trigger for not feeling yourself. Identifying the trigger is often the first step! A second step would be to figure out how you could go back to feeling yourself. Would for example stopping smoking be of help there? Is that an option to try, or do you feel like that isn’t an option right now? There’s no right or wrong answer, I’m just curious as to what is doable for you! 

Losing someone you love is honestly so tough. It comes as a shock, even when you’re expecting it to happen. I’ve lost a few people and each time it’s been different in dealing with it. That’s how grief works; it’s unique and raw. Some people cry, some people don’t cry. There’s no right way to respond and there’s definitely no wrong way to respond. 

Sometimes when we’re under a lot of emotional distress, this turns into physical symptoms. This could be why you got a cold and migraine after losing your grandfather, and why you’ve still been having faint headaches. You can treat those symptoms like you would physical illness, but that might not help completely. It’s better to work on healing from the emotional baggage.

And the question is- how do you heal after losing someone? Unfortunately there is not one answer. Everyone heals differently from grief. But there are some things you could try out. These things can be small. For example, I like putting up a picture. My best friend passed away nine years ago, and I’ve had a picture of her up ever since, both in my own house as well as in my room at my parent’s house. That way, wherever I am, she’s there with me. And if I want, I can sit with her, talk to her. I’ve also written a countless amount of letters. I always found it really hard that I couldn’t share things about my life with her anymore, so instead I’d write them down in a letter addressed to her. That way it felt a little bit like I was sharing it with her, even though it isn’t entirely the same. We have a page on grief that you might want to look through. There’s some helpful tips that I hope give you a starting point on your healing process.

I can imagine that you freaked out when you noticed that you were dealing with symptoms of derealisation. That must have been scary for you! Derealisation is a form of dissociation where you feel like the world around you isn’t real. This can range in intenseness, from feeling like you’re living in a dream to questioning everything you see. Derealisation, and other forms of dissociation, can happen for a variety of reasons. They can be caused by stress, they can be a trauma response, they can be from anxiety. It’s hard for me to pinpoint what could be causing it for you, since as you already say, there could be a few contributors. It might also not be one thing but more a combination of factors. 

When dealing with dissociation, grounding techniques can be very helpful. They can help to bring you back to reality, to feel less like you’re living in a dream. We have a page with grounding techniques. I’d urge you to try out different ones, so that you can find out which ones work for you. Since everyone is different, different techniques work for different people. My personal favourite is the following one, as it really requires you to use all your senses:

Describe five things you can see;

Describe four things you can hear;

Describe three things you can feel;

Describe two things you can smell;

Describe one thing you can taste.

You don’t have to deal with this all by yourself. Is there anyone you can reach out to about what’s been going on? A friend, family member, other trusted adult? You can also consider reaching out for professional help. I think that could be very beneficial for you. You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can then arrange a referral for you to a therapist, psychiatrist, counsellor, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here. I hope this answer was helpful though!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[decaffeinateddeath]

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 years old. Now, mind you, this was the mid 90s, and this particular diagnosis was all the rage in the behavioral health community. Countless people ended up being misdiagnosed who ended up developing problems later on due to being kept on stimulants for a long time when they weren’t needed. Then, of course, there were those that genuinely needed them. Which category I was in, I’m genuinely not sure (but At This Point It Doesn’t Even Matter).

I had a lot of behavioral problems as a kid. Of course as a kid you don’t know you have these problems and you just wonder why everyone seems to have a problem with you. Whether being on Ritalin was really needed for these problems, I’m not sure (especially when in hindsight they could have been attributed to instability at home and poor parenting on both sides of the divorce [that generally involved being used as a tool by one parent to gain revenge against the other]). The more these behaviors persisted at home and at school, the more the doctors continued to gradually increase dosage. By the time I entered high school, I was taking so much the doctors legally couldn’t give me any more.

Enter 16 Year Old Thoughts. A decade of being on methylphenidate. I had gone from about half a milligram to 54 (about a 100x increase over time). The medication wasn’t doing anything for me (Or So I Thought), so I quit cold turkey.

Now, apparently this is What Not To Do, because withdrawal is one cruel bitch. At the time I didn’t know why I was so depressed. Hell, even for years after I thought it was completely due to external factors. Now I can see that it was primarily withdrawal, and the external factors were really just the icing on the cake.

Fast forward more than a decade from there and, despite graduating college with a grad school worthy GPA and two degrees, I still struggle hard af to focus on anything, even things that genuinely interest me. I kept thinking it was depression (and in part, that’s true; long term methylphenidate dependence during childhood and adolescence can lead to long term difficulty for your brain to manufacture a normal level of seratonin and neuropinepherine). Recently, I decided Enough Is Enough and I’m Gonna Get Help (TM). So I marched myself into a psychiatrists office and told him I wanted to try concerta again, and then proceeded to get started with a therapist.

Well, as it turns out concerta doesn’t really help me focus. It just makes me super anxious, ticky, irritable, and holy fuck dehydrated. So I’ve stopped that just about as quickly as I started it. I was getting ready to try a nonstimulant but then I lost my job and my insurance (because I can’t focus for shit). Now I’m just waiting until I can find something else for insurance benefits because I still want help, but that help is a luxury I can’t afford.

There isn’t really a point to this post. I’m 29 and still struggling on a daily basis to Pull My Shit Together and Just Act Like A Normal Person. And knowing that the help I need is accessible but financially out of reach just adds insult to an injured existence.

[scribens-in-nocte]

"Why didn't you tell anyone that it was getting bad?"

That's the question that the psychiatrist asked me the morning after my last overdose. Her mothering demeanor did little to soothe the small husk of a person that was lying half awake on the world's most uncomfortable hospital bed.

I told her "I didn't want to bother anyone." You know, the same thing we always say. Because its true. You cant tell anyone when it gets bad because the consequences of admitting the severeity of your mental illness always seem worse than the idea of letting it all go.

I see countless posts online "how to reach out to someone" "how to talk to someone about your/their mental state" "how to be a comfort". I even reblog them. But nobody mentions the posts that always accompany these, the ones that hit a lot harder if you're the one walking the razor's edge: "your [relationship] is not your therapist" "how not to burden others with your manipulative behavior" "how mentioning your suicidal ideations aversely affects your peers".

Because it's true, nobody is required to be there and give support, but the irony is that too often, those same people being the ones who always offer to help and claim that theyre there for you. Because we as humans want to help those close to us who are suffering, but we aren't equipped to handle that burden no matter how sincere we are in wanting to.

Every time I've ever reached out during a mental crisis, it has affected my relationship with that person (or persons) significantly. If we continue to be friends afterwards, theres always a sense of guilt, of perceived frailty. And its the same for those who reach out to me. If they reach out and I try to help, but do poorly, is the result my fault? If i'm not at my computer in their moment of crisis and something happens is it my fault?

And nobody wants to speak to professionals because of the fear of institutionalization. That, no matter how badly you need it, throws off everything and puts your job, school, social life... everything at risk. I needed the inpatient trip that I took, but the results of how my coworkers, friends, and family treated me afterwards has stuck with me in a horrible way.

There's no easy answer to why we don't reach out. Fear, guilt, pride- it all amounts to the same result. We hide because we are so, so scared of facing the darkest parts of ourselves and revealing those parts to another person.

Even if we desperately need to.

[dearbeautilation]

Common Misconceptions About Therapy

You may have noticed that in a lot of advice messages I get, I recommend talking to a therapist or a counselor, which is something I have done myself for years and have had profoundly positive results from. The thing is, so many people (and quite a few in my own family and friend circle) have misconceptions about therapy that make them assume it’s not even an avenue worth exploring to help with their struggles. Here are a couple common judgements about therapy I’ve come across (or have even had myself) and the actual truths, from my humble lil’ experience at least.

1) Therapy is expensive.

It is true that many amazing therapists are available under most insurance plans, but depending on your coverage you may still have a high deductible rate to pay before your sessions are covered. Here’s what to do if you have insurance:

Ask if you can set up a payment plan, where you pay as much of a co-pay you can manage on each visit. I have personally done this when my insurance did not cover enough to make the visits I needed feasible.

Find therapists in-network through your insurance, where you can know upfront how much you must pay before coverage begins, and cut down your search time by only contacting in-network therapists.

        And if you don’t have health insurance:

COUNSELING!!! Talking to any qualified professional 1-on-1 is the most crucial part of therapy, and you can get this from a counselor at your school or at a clinic. Check out the SAMHSA locator to find someone near you.

This link is super helpful for lots of resources for affordable therapy.

A walk-in clinic you may go to for a cold or flu may also be able to help hook you up with resources, so don’t be afraid to ask. 

2) Therapists tell you how to fix your problems.

Therapists aren’t fairy godparents who listen to your problems and then tell you what to do to magically solve them; their job is to get to understand you well enough so they can guide you to understand the root of your actions, reactions and patterns so you can be more empowered to solve your OWN problems and make peace with the past. This is why ongoing, weekly therapy is most ideal; it is not a quick or easy process to address issues with your mind and your life, and in therapy you must respect that and respect that, just like with anything else in life, it takes time, effort and patience to make progress. 

Life is inherently complicated – to expect therapy to be a quick solve is, excuse the phrasing, crazy. You want to stop the loop of bullshit you’re currently living? Be prepared to work for it, and before that, be prepared to learn why you are *deserving* of the payoff your hard work will undoubtedly give you. 

3) Only “crazy” people need therapy. 

Do you have a brain? Do you think thoughts and feel feelings? Then congrats,  you’re a candidate for therapy! It is an absolutely toxic stereotype that only people suffering from severe issues can benefit from therapy: with this mindset, it tells people who may be on mental health decline to wait until the issue gets out of hand to seek help. This to me is like having a cold, then seeing it turn into a fever, but saying “I’ll wait until I start passing out and pooping blood to go to the doctor”. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and the two are much more closely related that you may think.

Therapy is an incredible tool for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed by life in general, finds themselves fixated on negative things that hurt their self-image or relationships, is realizing they keep doing the same bad things over and over again, has just suffered a trauma or loss or accident, or is feeling simply stuck in life. 

4) Therapists just want to blame your parents for all your issues.

While you will probably at some point discuss your family and parental relationships with a therapist because these relationships are super impactful on our development, therapy is not about blaming anyone at the end of the day; it’s about understanding your reality and getting better equipped to deal with it so your quality of life is improved. You may come to conclusions that certain actions certain people have taken have impacted you negatively in some way, but such conclusions are only part of the steps you take towards ultimately having a healthier relationship with your feelings, with others, and with your life.

5) Therapy is always intense, serious, and clinical.

Not gonna lie-- therapy can get intense sometimes, and that’s part of its benefit. I’ve cried countless times while talking about certain things that just cut to the core, but it’s always served as a way to cleanse the hurt I was keeping locked up. What’s more, is that I’ve had so many laughs, breakthroughs, and completely chill, positive, casual sessions where it felt like I was just kicking it with a really smart friend who I trust.

6) Therapy is always in an office with couches and a plant.

No way! While it is quite common to have therapy in a warm, homey office setting, remember that there are many types of therapy in different settings, like:

Equine therapy

Occupational therapy

Group therapy

And more!

You can even reach a therapist from the comfort of your home via groups like: 

BetterHelp 

7Cups 

Ginger.io.

7.) All therapy is the same.

This article does a great job breaking down the main types of therapy. I myself have experience with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (basically talk therapy that focuses on redirecting and guiding my reactions and actions) and Art Therapy, which was integrated to the talk therapy and had me use both sides of my brain at the same time (the creative right and logical left) to work through challenges I brought up.

8) Therapists prescribe/ push you to take psych meds.

Your general practitioner or a psychiatrist are the only doctors who can prescribe mental-health related medication. Your therapist cannot prescribe you medication, but they may recommend you consult someone who can if, after getting to know you better, they believe you may benefit from medication in their professional opinion and from their experience with similar cases.

  9) Therapy is self-indulgent, narcissistic and frivolous.

There is nothing frivolous about taking control of your life and asking for help and guidance. It is a sign of strength to know when there might be a problem, to ask for help, and to accept that help; your problems do not need to be life or death, trauma-based, or crippling to be valid problems that can be helped with talking to a professional. Pain is relevant; it is empathy that allows us to feel for all kinds of problems or struggles we have never experienced ourselves, but it is the plain and simple human experience that causes us to react the way we do to the problems we have based on our own realities. Once you validate your own feelings and stop the comparisons, you stop self-sabotaging assumptions like this one; that’s a lil’ something I learned in therapy. ;)

Gifs via RealityTVGifs

[traumablogforme]

Wow, uh, I haven’t been on here in forever, it feels like at least. So, oof, where do I begin? I honestly don’t know but uh, here’s some venting shit, MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: There is mention of SA in this and abuse. It also mentions SH behavior. If you cannot deal with that right now, please move on.

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So I haven’t been on much due to an abusive relationship, it started about 2 years ago. (Some background, I am polyamorous. I have my fiancé and my and my fiancé now ex) my ex moved in with me and my fiancé and everything was fine, good, dandy, everyone got along and we all loved each other. Few months after my ex moved in he started arguments, would yell, scream, and storm out. All over small things, like asking him to do the dishes. He would pit me and my fiancé against each other, by saying stuff like ‘oh fiancé or me said your not doing anything or your being a POS and forces me to do stuff and yells at me all day’ stuff like that. So we would argue about it and then leave each other alone and he would swoop in and comfort the one that he didn’t get all riled up and be like ‘see this is what I’m talking about’. We moved places and it continued. We got into countless arguments were he would threaten to leave, he would manipulate us by saying stuff like we never loved him and we forced him to move all away across the country away from his family and how we never do anything for him. All of which wasn’t true. He got stuck out here at the beginning of Covid, but I digress. It got to the point where the other people living with us noticed something was wrong, and they wouldn’t stay there with us, they would go to their partners house just to get away from it all. There was fights every day, he called me pathetic, no good, useless, etc. It got to the point to were I was thinking of just hurting myself to be able to have control over myself for once. TRIGGER WARNING: SA Then it happened, he wanted to do the deed and I didn’t. He kept pressuring me, telling me that if I loved him I would do it and that we haven’t done it in a long time and you never want to be close to me, you think I’m ugly, you don’t love me, etc. so I gave in, let him do what he wanted and then went back to normal everyday shit. This happened at least once every other week, for a year and a half. I didn’t know at the time that was assault, I just felt obligated to do it because we were in a relationship. Fast forward a few more months and we are packing to move. Me and my fiancé bought a house, and ex was coming with us. He didn’t help pack, move boxes, or even unpack. He just wanted to sit there and do nothing. He thought it was all boring and pointless, just like he said with household chores. If it doesn’t benefit him, he doesn’t do it. Finally I reached my breaking point and told him he needed to get help or leave. He got help, but I don’t really believe he went to IOP, he never came back with new coping skills, paperwork, nothing. That went on for about 6-8 weeks and he stopped going, stopped seeing his therapist, stopped seeing his psychiatrist. (His GP had been prescribing his meds and he never came home with any new scripts or meds). So at this point it is October of 2021 and I’m done. We just had an argument over going out to do stuff, which I didn’t want to do so I told him he could go by himself and he flipped. ‘You never do anything with me, you are always in your art room, your always avoiding me, you don’t love me, I should just leave’ I had therapy that day after that fight, I told my therapist everything, she was the one that told me what he was doing was abuse and SA. So I called my friend and told her to come get me, I called my fiancé and told him we needed to talk when they got home since they went out shopping. I sit my fiancé down and tell him everything and told him we need to break up with him, I’m the one who has to do it because my fiancé has abandonment issues. I break up with him and tell him everything he’s been doing and it’s all of a sudden ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t leave me, I can change, I can change’ over and over, ‘you can’t leave me, your not allowed to leave me, I need you’ he’s sobbing, throwing himself to the floor, begging me, and I’m standing my ground. I told him he needs serious help and I can’t do it anymore. (Part 1)

[arabellawearsblack]

Sometimes my thoughts take up space in my brain and they tell me that I am faking it, that I'm making it all up, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me except for being a useless and lazy piece of shit. I have to admit that I believe those thoughts more often than I should, and they make me want to crumble up in a fetus position and cry until I pass out. I think it's one of my biggest fears in life; to go to countless doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists and never getting a proper diagnosis. Never getting that 'stamp' that allows me to breathe again, that takes the blame away from myself, even for just a moment. I don't want to not take responsibility, I want to own up to the fact that only I can change my life for the better, but if you are never listened to, taken seriously, reached out to by a helping hand, then life becomes unbearable. It's awfully tiring to constantly walk around trying to live a normal life when everything is difficult, even something as mundane as remembering to take a shower, to eat, to sleep, etc. I don't mean to complain, because I know that it could be so much worse, hell, it has been worse. However, I'm not sure that it's good that I've gotten used to everything being difficult and hard and tiring. I've heard from friends of mine that they don't experience emotional, psychological and sometimes psychical pain on a daily basis, and it baffles me, because I do. I think a lot of people have settled for the reasoning 'I'm used to it' but I'm not sure we're supposed to be used to consistent agony and anxiety. I'm more sure that we are supposed to feel more ease, more contentment. It's just difficult when getting the right help, reaching out to the right recourses and applying the right structures and strategies is not only incredibly expensive and exhausting, but also borderline impossible when your thoughts are constantly reminding you that you don't deserve any of the help.

[android-for-life]

"Resources for mental health support during COVID-19"

The coronavirus pandemic has disrupted lives around the world. In addition to the lives lost to the virus, as many communities enter the second and third month under stay-at-home orders, there is a rising mental health toll, too. In a national survey released by the American Psychiatric Association in March, 36 percent of respondents said that COVID-19 was seriously impacting their mental health; 48 percent were anxious about getting infected; and 57 percent reported concern that COVID-19 will seriously impact their finances.

As a trained psychiatrist, I know firsthand the importance of bringing out into the open the issue of mental health. While it might be years between the first onset of symptoms and someone seeking help, the internet is often the first place people turn to find out more about mental disorders. To help address the emerging mental health crisis we’re sharing “Be Kind to Your Mind," which includes resources on mental wellbeing from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Whenever people in the U.S. search for information about coping with the pandemic, or on COVID-19 and mental health, we’ll show a public service announcement with tips to cope with stress during COVID-19. To raise awareness of the importance of mental wellbeing during these times, we'll highlight these resources on Google's homepage tomorrow.

Whenever people in the U.S. search for information about coping with the pandemic, we’ll show a public service announcement with tips to cope with stress during COVID-19.

With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, we want to highlight a few other resources and tools across Google and YouTube that promote mental wellbeing.

Self-assessment questionnaires for depression and PTSD

When people search on Google for information about mental health conditions we provide panels with information from authoritative sources like Mayo Clinic that detail symptoms, treatments, and provide an overview of the different types of specialists who can help. On the info panels for depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), we provide direct access to clinically-validated self-assessment questionnaires that ask some of the same types of questions a mental health professional might ask. Based on a person’s answers, these self-assessment tools provide information on risk, along with links to more resources. Results to these questionnaires are not logged. We hope they can provide insight and help people have a more informed conversation with their doctor. We will add more self-assessment  questionnaires over time to cover more conditions.

Self-care content on YouTube

Over the last few months, YouTube has seen a 35 percent increase in views of meditation videos, and growing popularity of mindfulness and wellbeing content. YouTube is making videos like these and other mental health resources more widely available to anyone around the world, for free, by spotlighting channels and playlists that have wellbeing and mindfulness-focused content. Countless YouTube creators, like Dr. Mike and Kati Morton, educate their communities as they help reduce the stigma associated with mental health. YouTube is also launching relevant YouTube Originals, including a “BookTube” episode featuring top authors like Melinda Gates and Elizabeth Gilbert offering their best book recommendations.

Finding virtual care options, quickly

Because of stay-at-home orders and restrictions that limit in-person interactions, many mental health care providers (including therapists and psychiatrists) are now providing telehealth care, like conducting therapy sessions over video conference. To make these options easier to find, we now allow providers to highlight their virtual care services on their Google Business Profile. So now, when you search for a mental health provider in products like Search and Maps, you may see an “Online care” link that can take you to their virtual care page, or even schedule a virtual appointment.

While the stigma around mental health has lessened in recent years, many people still find it hard to reach out to get help. By providing access to mental health resources, services and information across our products, we hope to make it easier for people to seek help and receive proper care.

Source : The Official Google Blog via Source information

[jobsearchtips02]

Coronavirus Fears Result In Canceled Flights And Issues Within The Travel Industry

A flight information board shows canceled inbound flights from Italy at Ben Gurion International Airport, near Tel Aviv, Israel, last month. Airline companies are slashing numerous flights amid fear of the dispersing coronavirus.

Jack Guez/ AFP via Getty Images.

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Jack Guez/ AFP via Getty Images.

A flight info board shows canceled inbound flights from Italy at Ben Gurion International Airport, near Tel Aviv, Israel, last month. Airlines are slashing hundreds of flights amid fear of the dispersing coronavirus.

Jack Guez/ AFP via Getty Images.

Throughout the country and worldwide, flights are being canceled, exhibition are being called off and services are cutting down on employee travel; all due to the fact that of worries related to the spread of the coronavirus.

The sudden and unexpected downturn might cost the travel market billions.

The Global Company Travel Association estimates that if coronavirus-related travel limitations continue, whether the travel lowerings are self-imposed or bought by governments, costs on travel around the world could drop off by more than 37%, costing the industry a massive $466 billion a month and almost $560 billion in a year.

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But if coronavirus fears continue to lead corporations to pull sales personnel, specialists and other workers off the roadway and leisure tourists to cancel weekend getaways and destination vacations, the economic cost could be incredible.

” Right now, across the Pacific specifically, it’s a bit of a mess for airline companies,” states Joe Schwieterman, transportation professor at Chicago’s DePaul University, who notes that airlines with routes to Asia and China in specific are seeing company screech to a near stop.

” International travel and worldwide bookings are dropping.

And while there have not been layoffs yet, pilots, flight attendants and other airline company workers might lose pay as flight schedules are pared back and the aircrafts they would be flying rest on the ground, as even domestic travel is slowing substantially.

” We’re seeing purchaser apprehension,” he says, as the uncertainty of where the coronavirus might spread out is leading tourists to hold back on scheduling “even cruises, summertime journeys. People are hedging their bets.”

The travel industry is being harmed even more by the cancellation of big trade shows, conferences and conventions, consisting of an energy top in Houston that was anticipated to draw 4,000 individuals, a physics conference in Denver today that expected to bring 10,000 people to that city, and the International Housewares Association’s substantial annual “Motivated Home Program” in Chicago that was anticipated to bring almost 60,000 people there on March 14 to17 The city’s tourism firm, Pick Chicago, forecasted that the exhibition would’ve been a $92 million increase to the regional economy.

” These big programs are lifelines for the big cities,” Schweiterman says, as the convention business typically fills regional hotels and dining establishments. “You take that away and there are a lot places that are financially on the edge right now and it’s going to develop some extreme discomfort.”

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But that discomfort, to some degree, is unwarranted, says the GBTA’s Solombrino, keeping in mind that lots of people are deserting travel plans needlessly. He says it’s certainly proper to limit or halt travel to China, some other parts of Asia, and a couple of other locations around the world.

” However in the United States, there are no travel restrictions that have actually been put in place on anyone by the federal government or a state federal government,” he states, adding that there are likewise no constraints on travel to Latin and South America, most of Europe and numerous other locations.

” So what we’re attempting to inform individuals and message individuals is that, ‘Look, travel is still safe,'” Solombino says. “Take the normal precautions you would take: Wash your hands, do not be coughing on individuals, you know, attempt to be diligent while you’re taking a trip, but we do not see any reason that individuals wouldn’t be traveling, definitely locally.”

However, the media coverage of the spreading coronavirus both here and abroad has tourists worked up.

” Everybody’s freaking out, [saying] ‘Oh my God, I got ta cancel my strategies, my trip, my this, my that’,” states Tammy Levent, CEO of Elite Travel. Anxious customers have her phone ringing off the hook and her e-mail inbox overruning.

” Travel agents need to become psychiatrists, OK? We need to become therapists for all these people who call in.”

Levent says she and many of her fellow travel professionals spend a lot of time educating their clients about the coronavirus and the reasonably small risk to the majority of tourists. Levent has had the ability to talk most clients out of canceling their strategies.

” I have actually had one cancellation in all of our countless customers, which was to Japan.”

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Lots of airlines are providing more versatile flight modification and cancellation policies, even waiving the frequently hefty charges for changing or canceling a flight booked to certain locations that are considered at greater threat.

United Airlines, for example, simply announced it is waiving modification fees for any bookings– domestic and international– made in between now and March 31, in an effort to stimulate travel or a minimum of cut its losses.

However Levent warns that those attempting to cancel or alter flights to locations where there are no travel restrictions will likely need to pay the full penalty if they do cancel and that routine travel insurance may not help. Just “cancel for any factor” policies will enable you to get your money back.

Still, a number of those who are flying today do not seem too concerned.

Showing Up in Los Angeles from Perfume, Germany, Adrian Schmetz, 34, says he thinks the media is overhyping the coronavirus threat.

” It’s not as deadly as it’s made to appear like at the minute,” Schmetz states. “It’s not going to impact my choice of travel at all.”

However Los Angeles International Airport parking attendant Myla Maramba states company there is currently decreasing, and she stresses that a bigger travel slump could result in a cut in hours or layoffs.

” It’s going to impact a great deal of people’s livelihoods,” she states.

Which’s definitely real as the tentacles of travel economy reach into the pockets of millions all over the world.

%.

from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/coronavirus-fears-result-in-canceled-flights-and-issues-within-the-travel-industry/

[mental-health-advice]

I've been through a lot, molestation, sibling and parent abuse (physical and mental, mainly mental), rape and bullying at school, as I think it may contribute as whats going on with me I thought I should say. I break down a lot, and hurt other people around me mentally and I think it's funny for the time being I hate myself for it but I keep doing it, I also get really anxious to the point where I starve myself because I can't eat in front of people, I usually get depressed whenever Im alone 1/?

It takes it's toll on me to the point where all my emotions grow their own personalities screaming at me, it seems as if whoever is loudest gets to come out and make decisions for me. If they're all screaming at once as loud as they can I shut down I start rambling to myself calling myself stupid and a filthy whore but it also switches to, these people don't deserve you you're so much better than they could ever hope to be, and I have to hurt myself 2/?

I usually punch my thigh or try to cut my thigh with a really dull knife, no intention of actually damaging myself but making it hurt enough to where they'll shut up and I can calm down enough to meditate, I hate this it's a constant cycle I've asked for help yet no one has been able to give me answers so far.. Please if you could I really need help I feel like I'm going insane 3/3

Hi darling,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with so much! It’s definitely possible that this all has contributed to how you’re doing at the moment. These are all really big things and it’d be really understandable they’ve had an effect on you.

We aren’t professionals, so we aren’t able to tell you what’s going on. There’s a lot of overlap between different mental illnesses, so without the proper schooling it’s really difficult to say anything about it really. We’d also recommend you not to self-diagnose for the reasons listed here.

It sounds like at the moment your emotions are in control over you, rather than the other way around. Whatever emotion is strongest at the time decides how you act. I think it’s important to try and get that control back. This isn’t going to happen overnight, and it isn’t an easy process. It’s possible though! A good start would be journalling. Write about all your feelings and thoughts. Anything that’s happening to you. Write it down. Letting it out is so much better than bottling it all up, and writing can be a really good outlet. Of course it isn’t for everyone, but it’s worth giving it a try. Not only is it a good outlet, if you end up getting professional help you can show this to them and it will give them a very clear idea of what you’re dealing with, meaning that they can help you better. It’s okay if it takes you a while, as you’ll first need to build up a relationship of trust with them, but I hope that eventually you’ll feel comfortable enough to show them.

You might also want to look into mindfulness. We have a page on mindfulness here that you can read through, it should explain it all. There are tons of apps that you can download that have little mindfulness exercises for each day. It takes a while to get the hang of it, but once you do it can be really beneficial. It might be some kind of middle ground from meditation, so that you don’t need to harm yourself in order to calm down enough to meditate.

I think it’s good that you don’t want to actually damage yourself. However by hurting yourself you are damaging yourself, regardless of whether it leaves a mark. I think it’s important to try and look at alternatives. We have page with alternatives here, a video with emotional alternatives here, and a video with physical alternatives here. Especially the emotional alternatives might be helpful, as this can help in coping with your emotions better, meaning that you won’t need them to shut up anymore and therefore won’t need to harm yourself anymore. Sometimes this isn’t working though, and at those moments it’s still important to try and get through the urges without harming yourself. Distractions can be amazing then! We have a page with distractions here and a video here. I also think it can be good to look at reasons not to harm yourself, so that you feel motivation to fight against the urges. I find it most helpful to make my personal lists rather than the general lists we have on our pages. You can use our printables to make such personal lists.

I don’t know in what ways you’ve tried to reach out already, so I apologise if what I’m suggesting is something you’ve tried already. I think a good first step would be to visit your GP / local doctor, and explain to them what’s going on. They can refer you to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional, so that you can get the professional help you need and deserve right now. You can read more about getting help here. Making that first step can be scary though and for some people it’s easier to have someone accompany them during this step. In that case it’s good to reach out to someone you trust first, and ask them to accompany you to your GP. If you have trouble opening up, writing a letter is an amazing tool. I’ve done this a countless amount of times, and I found it really helped as it allowed me to think of everything I wanted to say in advance and I could make sure I wasn’t forgetting everything. If I try to open up in person, I usually make everything seem less bad than it really is, which ends up in me not getting the help I need. If I’m writing a letter, I’m able to be more honest. I hope this helped lovely!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

[checkyesifulikeme]

okay wow so much has gone on over the past couple of days i’m still reeling in shock but it’s almost a blissful state of shock if that’s even possible LOL. first things first i’m feeling very anxious abt getting a new job, i’ve been unemployed for a little over a month now and my guilt is picking at my brain and heartstrings like those little fish that eat the dead skin off of the bottoms of ppl’s feet. 

SO i’m definitely going to Saddle Up and apply to whatever coffee spots are hiring, although i know my chances of being hired will be much greater by the END of next month (graduation = university students quitting their jobs&going back home) but i can’t wait that long because i feel like the universe is fixing me with a judgmental glare. i haven’t taken time off of working since high school really so maybe i’m just a bit of a workaholic despite Hating mindless labor idk i feel guilty/useless very easily ok !!!!!! but it’s not as bleak as it sounds. i’ve actually had an amazing month being unemployed (my bday month!) and i’ve finally started my journey on bettering my mental health which is something i’ve continuously put on the back-burner my entire life. so this was long overdue. i believe the prozac has actually been helping a ton (it’s the same anti-depressant my mom is on N we’re very very very similar in our mental health so makes Cents). i’m still looking for a therapist and i’m on a waiting list for a second opinion from a different psychiatrist in my city (there r unfortunately very few psych doctors where i live) because the one i originally went to diagnosed me in a kind of alarming manner??? i questioned it immediately but everyone told me to just trust him but fr he diagnosed me based off of 1 appointment and my answers on a sheet of paper, not even bothering to ask me about any of my symptoms in depth at ALL and immediately prescribing 3 different medications idk i was super weirded out but at least i got a good anti-depressant out of it lmfao (i’m not taking the other 2, both of which are anti-psychotics that left me brain dead). 

aside from the mental health stuff i’ve been feeling extremely elated and joyous about life lately. i’ve gotten back into reading (read an entire book in 3 days and i’ve gotten a little over halfway through the goldfinch which i began reading like 2 or more years ago by now lolll) which i’ve been meaning to do for years and years. i finished my first sewing project! gotten a lot better w/ maintaining a clean space, watering my plants on a schedule/much more efficiently than before (i don’t have to haul them all into the tub every time they need to be watered) and i’ve been a lot more in tune with my emotions and needs as well as the needs of those i love. one of the worst parts of my mental health is the chafing irritability i feel for no good reason and the erratic ebb and flow of my feelings but since being put on prozac i’ve felt like i have a healthier grasp of things which makes my heart burst with joy because much of my life i’ve spent living in a perpetually ‘muddled’ state. it’s nice.

on top of all this, last night by ex best friend texted me a longggg apology/explanation of why he disappeared from my life about ~4 months ago and it made me cry. he’s flying back from london and will be back on monday so i’m probably going to meet up w him and my sister sometime next week! i almost felt this coming but didn’t at all at the same time lol idk how to explain. i was extremely hurt losing him as well as my other ‘best friend’ at the time but since then i’d sort of deaded those emotions and pushed forward and i’ve actually been doing really well for myself even if it can be lonely at times. i still had my online friends who i cherish so so so dearly, my boyfriend and my family and have been focusing on just Me and my inner workings and habits and how i can be better to myself and those around me, more involved more present more vocal about my love for them. more open to sharing myself. sharing myself has always been one of my biggest road blocks because i am so debilitated by fear (of rejection of judgement of being fully Seen). but i’m trying to move past this. i really am. i think i can overcome this fear by utilizing the even stronger force inside of me that craves connection, craves being seen but even moreso seeing others too and allowing them to know that they are loved and heard and cared for and i am here to help. although me and this friend’s relationship has been literally all over the damn place i truly believe from the bottom of my heart that he is a loving person. he has been damaged but we all have. idk. forgiveness is beautiful to me and i just feel so deeply that re-connecting will only make our friendship that much stronger. with so many of my ex friends i do not feel this way. re-kindling does not feel needed or entirely possible, really. but i have met very few ppl so in tune with my mindset, we’re very very different and have lived through VERY different circumstances but our inner workings resonate, if that makes sense. and he brought that up in our conversation last night and it just brings tears to my eyes. he said something along the lines of “i just don’t want to lose a genuine connection with another person especially in a fucked up world like this because they truly are so rare.” and i agree. i connect w so many people in different ways, i think all of us do or have the capacity to at least, but that deep understanding and history and mutual growth and love is rare, i think. i don’t feel like i can fully explain it here and now but idk i’m just super emotional over this because like i said i had previously deaded the possibility of reconnection in my mind, largely because i no longer knew how my (previously) best friends saw me anymore or had potentially even seen me to begin with. but him reaching out allowed me to understand a little bit more and i am certainly not beyond forgiveness because GOD KNOWS i have not been a perfect person. none of us have. my boyfriend is apprehensive but i know it’s just out of his protectiveness over me and he’d never hinder my autonomy to chose where i go from here. and i understand. he’s the one who had to stay up with me countless nights while i cried and lost my mind and blew up his phone with texts about how worthless and angry i felt and beat myself up time and time again so believe me i understand. it’s going to be a process but i just know forgiveness is absolutely the right choice. part of this journey for me is listening to my heart and she wants to forgive. see and be seen. hear and be heard. love is all that matters to me at the end of the day and i am not going to deny it. 

[organaleias]

Goodbye, Baby…

After seven years, 29,930 posts, numerous friendships made, and some broken, and countless memories that will last me a lifetime, I have decided to leave Tumblr.

I began to think about it around this time last year, but I only decided that I was going to leave Tumblr in autumn. In my “Year in Review” last year, I said that I had “plans” for my Tumblr this year, and these are the “plans.” There were also three factors in the latter months of last year that solidified my decision to leave.

Firstly, I do not enjoy Tumblr as I once did, and what is the point of continuing to do something that you do not enjoy? The numerous updates to Tumblr were also a factor that contributed to my decision to leave as they would often interfere with the format of my posts, which led to Tumblr becoming more of a chore than anything else.

Secondly, I feel that it is the right time to leave Tumblr. I turned eighteen years old on 21 September 2016, and the seventh anniversary of the creation of this blog was in January of this year. I created my Tumblr when I was eleven going on twelve, and I am now eighteen going on nineteen. I lived through the most formative years of my life (so far…) on Tumblr, and, as corny as I am aware that it sounds, the adolescent chapter of my life is drawing to a close, and I believe that it would be fitting to leave Tumblr in that chapter. I am also going to graduate from high school next month, which contributes to the overall feeling of a chapter of my life ending, and a new one beginning.

And thirdly, the death of Carrie Fisher on 27 December 2016 had a number of impacts on me. I cannot describe adequately in words how her death solidified my decision to leave Tumblr, but, perhaps, her death made me want to focus more on my life (I sound like my therapist…).

Speaking of my therapist, she was the first person that I told about my decision to leave Tumblr, and she has been supportive of it. I have sessions with her on a weekly basis, and I believe that she has helped me progress to a degree with my mental illnesses. I am currently being weaned off of my previous medications with the exception of Klonopin due to their ineffectiveness, and I will begin a new medication to replace them in mid–June. I will return to visiting my psychiatrist on a monthly basis in June (I canceled the appointments with him in February and March due to lack of means to get to his office, so I had not seen him since January when I had my most recent appointment with him in April). It has been difficult weaning off of my medications, but I believe that it is the right thing to do because the medications are ineffective (or, rather, not as effective as they should be). As I said in my “Year in Review” last year, I continue to hope for the progression of my mental illnesses, and I likewise hope that the new medication(s) that I will begin will aid in leading me there.

In my “Year in Review” for last year, I stated my intention to read all of Carrie Fisher’s books, and I reread “Postcards from the Edge” from its beginning in early January of this year (I began reading the book in spring 2014, but I did not finish it), and I watched the film adaptation starring Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine after I finished the book. The book and the film differed in certain areas, but I enjoyed both of them immensely. I received “Surrender the Pink,” “Delusions of Grandma,” and “The Best Awful” in late February (I received “The Princess Diarist” for Christmas, and I have owned “Wishful Drinking” and “Shockaholic” since 2011). I intend to read them during the summer. In addition to reading Carrie Fisher’s books during the summer, I intend to read (or, rather, finish, as I have already started reading it) “Go Ask Alice.” I watched several films in the past five months, including a “teen movie” spree a couple of weeks ago, during which I watched “Sixteen Candles,” “The Breakfast Club” (or, rather, re–watched the latter two), “Pretty in Pink,” “Heathers,” “Clueless,” “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” (or, rather, re–watched the latter), and “Jawbreaker.” I enjoyed all of them. As an aside to the topic at hand, I watched the anime series “Samurai Champloo” in January (I had wanted to watch it in September 2016, but I became too focused on other matters). I likewise enjoyed it immensely. After I have left Tumblr, I intend to return to “Sailor Moon: Crystal” in the summer.

In my “Year in Review” for last year, I stated that I intended to pen a letter to Carrie Fisher, and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, “for my own closure, if not for anything else,” and I finished the letter a few weeks ago. I began writing the letter on Ash Wednesday, 5 March 2017, but I stopped writing it for a reason that I cannot recall, and I began to rewrite the letter from the beginning — after I noticed the pages of the letter were bent — on Palm Sunday, 9 April 2017, and I finished the letter on 1 May 2017. I would like to say that I reached closure regarding her death through the completion of the letter, but my heart remains broken, and I anticipate that it will remain so for a while. I shared the letter with my brother, my therapist (who made several good points based on things I wrote in it), and I intend to share it with @lanaturners (Karen).

In late February 2017, my mother bought tickets for my brother and me for Stevie Nicks’ show in Baltimore, Maryland for the second leg of her 24 Karat Gold Tour. On 26 March 2017, I traveled to Baltimore, Maryland for the first time — dressed in my “Stevie attire,” my scarf, my shawl, my platform boots, and my jewelry — to attend the concert. I was disappointed to hear that The Pretenders would not be performing (I had looked forward to hearing “Hymn to Her,” as well as the rest of their opening act due to the fact that I had arrived in the midst of their performance during the concert on 14 November 2016), but I remained excited for the show. On 14 November 2016 — the day that I saw Stevie Nicks in concert in Washington, D.C. for the first leg of her 24 Karat Gold Tour — I wrote her a letter, which I intended to ask Mary Torrey to deliver to her if she would, based on advice I received from @crystallineknowledge (Danielle), However, I was unable to give my letter to Mary Torrey in Washington, D.C. due to several factors. @lanaturners (Karen), @crystallineknowledge (Danielle), and my therapist all encouraged me to ask Mary Torrey at this concert if she would deliver the letter to Stevie, and so I walked to the front after she came out from backstage, and I asked the security guard if I could ask Mary Torrey a question. A fellow security guard joined him, and the two informed her that I wanted to ask her a question (it occurred to me after I had sat down that I should have thanked the security guards, but the moment had passed, and I did not want to make the situation any more awkward), and I politely asked if she would not mind delivering my letter to Stevie, and she said that she did not mind “at all,” and I thanked her profusely, and I said that I was “eternally grateful” for her help in delivering my letter to Stevie, so that Stevie will know how much she and her music mean to me. Mary Torrey was kind and sweet, friendly and gracious, and I am eternally grateful to her. As I said to her, “Stevie and her music have saved my life.” After my success in delivering my letter to Mary Torrey, the night was destined to be amazing. The seats my brother and I had were in the fourth row (the tickets my mother, my brother, and I had for the concert on 14 November 2016 were in the twenty–third row). When Stevie came onstage, I was overcome with joy. I loved all of the songs in her set, but I particularly enjoyed hearing “Gypsy” (the second in my top three favorite songs of hers as a member of Fleetwood Mac), “Stand Back” — I wished again that I had enough space to twirl along with her! — “Gold Dust Woman” (as I said to my therapist, my experience during “Gold Dust Woman” was the most fun I had the entire night), “Edge of Seventeen,” “Rhiannon,” and “Landslide” (my favorite song of hers both as a member of Fleetwood Mac and as a solo artist). In addition to the successful delivery of my letter to Mary Torrey, the most exciting aspect of the experience — as it was at the concert on 14 November 2016 — was to be in the arena with Stevie Nicks, listening to her perform live and hearing her stories and advice between her songs. In addition to being a dream come true for a second time, it was an amazing experience that I will never forget. I intend to give an in–depth review of the concert to @lanaturners (Karen) and @crystallineknowledge (Danielle) soon.

As for my plans for the rest of the year after I have left Tumblr, I would like to attend the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in the Extraordinary Form for the third time next month.

I intend to audition in July for the role of Mary Warren for my local community theater’s production of “The Crucible,” which will be performed in October. I do not know whether or not I will get the role due to my gender, as well as the fact that I am uncertain of my abilities as an actor, but @lanaturners (Karen) and my therapist have both encouraged me to do it, so I think that I will do it.

The most significant thing that I intend to do with the rest of my year is to continue writing my novel. After the death of Carrie Fisher on 27 December 2016, I was solidified in my decision to write a novel — which was an idea that I had been thinking about for a few months — that is based on my life, particularly my experiences with my mental illnesses, and that I would dedicate it to her. It is entitled “Out of the Depths” (Psalm 129:1), and the main character is Sara Reinhart, who is essentially me, but as a twenty–nine–(going–on–thirty)–year–old woman. I have written a few pages of the first chapter thus far, but I have also written a few pages that I intend to place in my second chapter, as well as the ending of my fourth chapter (I intend to have five chapters in my novel, as well as a prologue and an epilogue, based on “Postcards from the Edge”). My family has supported me (the Reinhart family is based on my own, and most of Sara’s experiences with her parents and siblings are based on experiences of mine with my parents and siblings), as has my therapist. I want to attempt to finish the novel by the end of the year.

When I spoke with my therapist about leaving Tumblr, I told her that I wanted to write a “pithy,” meaningful “farewell” text post for the friends that I am leaving on here, and the followers that read my posts (the lone follower of mine that read my posts will hopefully appreciate what I have to say). I want to say to the twelve year old boys, and girls, and boys that are mistaken for girls (I speak from experience…) that join Tumblr (as well as the ones that are already on Tumblr) to be kind to one another. Do not remain in friendships with people that do not respect you. I understand that it may be heartbreaking to end a friendship with someone with whom you are close, but it is not worth the anger, the resentment, and the hurt feelings to remain in a toxic friendship (again, I speak from experience…). Although I did not have the brick–and–mortar middle and high school experiences due to the fact that I attended cyber school from the fifth grade onwards, I did experience the fights, the popularity contests, the cliques, and the drama of Tumblr (which I admit that I participated in), and I want to say to those aforementioned twelve year olds to try to rise above it, and to be good people to one another. I realize that I sound more pretentious than anything else saying these things because I am only eighteen years old, and I have more learning to do for myself, but I am speaking from my experiences on Tumblr, and if my advice based on my experiences can help one person (I doubt such a person exists, but just in case…), then it is worthwhile. In conclusion, be good people to one another. Be loving. Be understanding. Be compassionate. Be kind. Watch movies (specifically, classic movies). Listen to music (specifically, Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, and Stevie Nicks). Read (specifically, Carrie Fisher). I am biased perhaps on the latter five recommendations, but I recommend them regardless. During her concert in Baltimore, Maryland on 26 March 2017, Stevie Nicks said (I am paraphrasing as I cannot recall her words exactly, and there is no video of the speech as far as I know), “Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t cute enough, beautiful enough, talented enough, good enough.” I interpreted “anyone” as including one’s self, and, as someone with low self–esteem who does not believe that they are “good enough,” her words were words that I needed to hear, and that I need to remember, and I wanted to share them with others who are like myself. And to those of you — twelve years old, and otherwise — who are mentally ill — specifically, OCD, GAD, MDD, &c. — I know that our journey is difficult, but we must continue onwards. We must not let our mental illnesses win. We must rise above them as we must rise above the hatred, the ignorance, and the meanness, and be good to ourselves and to one another.

As I have expressed many times over the years (I usually expressed this to myself, but I did say it to others a few times), I do not intend to delete my Tumblr after I leave, but I will simply leave my Tumblr inactive.

Thank you all for the memories, the fun, the love, the support, and the friendship that you all have shown me for the past seven years.

And now I’m off to see what’s over the rainbow…

[hellotheretraveler]

My Experiences with Mental Health

Mental health has been an omnipresent force in my life (isn’t it for everyone in some way?) even a hundred years before I was born. Mental illness has run in my family since at least 1898, when my great-great grandmother Hazel DuPrey was born. Her mother was incredibly unstable, and she was adopted into the Coon family and married into the Lindeman family.

My great-grandmother Celine Lindeman and her daughter Geraldine were alcoholic, abusive women who got married at least 20-30 times between them. They were dangerous, manipulative, and highly toxic, and I believe that they suffered from something similar to me.

Other members of my family suffered the same problems. My grandmother’s aunt Thelma committed suicide after she and her brother were abandoned at an orphanage and abused by numerous foster parents, only to find out that she was simply unwanted and her mother had a different family, and was an abusive alcoholic herself. One of my great-grandmothers was hailed as “a great sufferer” in her obituary, triumphing over great struggles. My own mother attempted to commit suicide after being sexually assaulted and mistreated when she was eighteen years old.

And all of these people came together to create me.

From birth I was a sensitive child, and my mother treated me as such. She sheltered me to the point where I had no idea of the outside world. I was socially awkward and very shy, which later translated into an intense social anxiety. I couldn’t talk to McDonald’s employees to ask for ketchup packets. I couldn’t call my friends or family to ask if I could visit. I especially couldn’t call my doctor or the police in the many times I should have. I would have panic attacks at the very thought of talking to someone or calling them on the phone.

My first panic attack happened when I was a freshman in high school. I had been feeling nauseous the entire day. It was over something entirely trivial, but it was enough to make me think I was dying. My mother kindly told me I was having a panic attack and to “calm down” because that was entirely possible. Since then, I’ve had countless panic attacks and also experienced symptoms of vertigo, which often spurs my panic attacks as well. My panic attacks run in my family, as both my parents and three of my grandparents have suffered from anxiety at some point in their lives.

Depression was overwhelmingly present during my childhood and adolescence. My parents divorced when I was five years old, leaving me with a severe inferiority complex. Every day at school when I was in second grade, I would cry. If someone asked me why I was doing this, I would make some bullshit excuse. Eventually the teachers stopped caring, thinking that I was attention-seeking, and the kids began to bully me more than they already had been. This led to me hiding my head in my lunchbox so no one would notice me crying (ingenious, I know).

This crying every day lasted me into the next year, when I was taken to drug deals and exposed to all kinds of lovely things by my stepmother. Instead of crying at lunch, I cried at recess and hid from everyone else. Eventually some of the teachers caught on and sent me to the nurse, but the diagnosed me with ADHD instead of depression.

I was medicated for ADHD from fourth grade until sixth grade. I had a teacher who would tell my mother they needed to “up my dosage” because I had acted out in class somehow. She would constantly belittle me for my attention problems and first introduced me to the concept of stigma. Another teacher the following year commented that I “didn’t have many friends” and after taking Ritalin for the first time my mother decided to stop medicating me.

At home, I was physically and emotionally abused since my parents’ divorce until I figured out that my parents weren’t supposed to hit me in seventh grade. After I threatened to tell the counselors at my school, the emotional abuse became more aggressive. I would start crying hysterically in classes and feel suddenly nauseous, and I wanted so very badly to talk to someone about what was happening to me but I was so afraid of what would happen.

I started talking to my friends and teachers about some of the things that were going on, and they seemed horrified at what was going on. No one did anything until I talked to one of my teachers, who also struggled with anxiety, and he sent me to talk to a counselor. I ended up talking to a social worker, and though there ended up being nothing they could do, there was an immense weight lifted off my shoulders. All of the teachers at my school rallied behind me, and it was an amazing feeling.

At the beginning of this year I scheduled an appointment with my doctor about my anxiety and depression, and he prescribed me Prozac. I’ve been taking it for the past three or four months and it’s improved most of my symptoms quite a bit. I’m going to see a psychiatrist at the beginning of June and I’m going to see a therapist for the first time next week.

Reaching out to someone who understood me was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I’m getting help now and I’m determined to recover from whatever it is I am dealing with.

I hope you’ll do the same.

[asking-jude]

people constantly say it gets better but it's been years and I only feel worse. I want to destroy myself and all that's holding me back is the pre-guilt of possibly making people feel bad. i don't have the words to describe the feeling but it's so heavy and I just hurt physically and emotionally all the time. I'm so ready to die and I just don't know how to say goodbye to people. At this point, I don't want help living, I don't want to try I just want it to end.

Hello,

Everyone at Asking Jude cares deeply about the health and safety of those reach out to us. I’m incredibly sorry to hear that you are hurting both physically and emotionally. I think it is important for you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are 100% confidential, free and are available 24/7. They may be able to help you further with these issues and provide you with other great resources!

Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

They also have a click-to-chat option if you do not feel comfortable speaking over the phone!

Also, check out our video on depression and suicide. It might help immensely with your current situation: https://youtu.be/Hmb29XncGPo 

I know that the phrase “it gets better” has been used countless times and at this point seems like an empty saying. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold any value. For many of us, it takes years for it to come true. So please just hold on, reach out to anyone who you think can help you during these difficult times. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, a trusted teacher, whoever will lend you an empathetic ear. And if its possible and if you haven’t done so already, please seek help from a professional, i.e., therapist, psychiatrist, social worker, etc. If you need any help finding resources, do not hesitate to contact us again!

Love always,

Shannon Guerrero

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