#I'm hoping that the next time I see my psychiatrist I can stop this medication it's the worsttt

[a-pups-writing]

Hi beautifullll💋🩷 got super excited when I saw ur ok with writing suicide, so can I ask for twst headcanons with first years + riddle when they learn that reader(gn) had a failed suicide attempt at ramshackle? Platonic or romantic, though I don't think it would matter much in this particular scenario. Thanks in advance, love ur writing💖

A/N; love this, and thank you for the kind words dear pink princess. No specification on what kind of suicide, so I'm going with an OD (overdose) hope that's okay. Also I have faves, I think its noticeable..

P.S.: if you ever deal with suicidal thoughts, you can and deserve to get help! Either from friends or a specialist, as someone who has the same problems it may feel like there isn't another out but there is. Life can be worth living. <3

CW; GN!reader, angst/fluff, suicide/mental health themes, some Sanders vibes(??)

Chars.; Riddle Rosehearts, Ace Trappola/Deuce (??), Epel Felmier, Jack Howl

Riddle Rosehearts; Romantic

first thinks its a joke, albeit not a very funny one, when he's told you're in the infirmary from an apparent overdose. He even collars those who told him, unable to believe such lies and rumors.

still, he goes to the infirmary, just to see if there's any proof of you..having done something, maybe you just hurt yourself accidentally- his heart almost stops when he sees you lying there, on an IV drop.

you just look so frail on that moment, pale skin and shaky breaths - he's grateful for the heart monitor standing besides you, showing him your heartbeat.

he cries, while holding your hand and just waiting for you to wake up and come back to him. He's gonna have to be forced to leave (Trey comes to get him, only able to convince him with tarts and promises of returning the next day, he even leaves one of those tarts for you..just in case you wake up.)

during classes/when he's not with you he's more irritable then normal and he sometimes reverts back into his snappy behavior - he just worries so much, and everyone seems to be breaking more rules.

as soon as you wake up he's by your side, holding your hand while his own is shaking in pure happiness. He might even cry again, tho he tries not to let you see that part of him.

definitely gets you help as soon as you're discharged, you can talk to him (or Trey) but he'll also search for an actual therapist/psychiatrist.

depending on the problem he'll do his best to help you, like studying with you, talking to those who were rude, etc.

he starts treating you more carefully, not that he really means to but you just got so much more fragile in his eyes.

Ace/Deuce; Platonic

pure unfiltered panic and chaos. Ace slaps Deuce to get him to work again, and then Deuce has to slap Ace to do it in return.

they run to the infirmary, almost getting kicked out my one of the medics, but they're allowed to stay..as long as they don't start to make loud noises again or something similar.

Ace jut stares at you while Deuce actually started to shed a few tears - seeing you so lifeless is new, definitely blame themselves for not having noticed it earlier and thinking they're bad friends because of it.

they'll be more down in general/less energetic, and mostly try to stay by your side (tho it can get to Mich for Deuce, he just can't take seeing you like that.)

both start to ask you questions the moment you wake up, the most prominent one; WHY?! Was it them? Someone else?-

they only calm down after a little while, but don't worry it'll happen..soon..maybe..

as soon as you get discharged try to help you with everything, chores, homework, people. It'll get overwhelming, and you'll have to tell them to calm down, after a few times they lay off a little.

Epel Felmier; ?

what?..his little apple? Doing something like that? He can't believe it, but runs out of the lesson as soon as he caught wind of the rumor. (Much to Vil's dismay)

cries a little when he sees you, but does his best to hold it back for his own sake.

starts wondering why you did it, is it because of him? Is he not strong/manly enough? Was he to weak for you to feel comfortable coming to him? He just becomes an insecure mess.

looses some of his spark, and even while Rook tries to cheer him up it doesn't help. Even Vil lays off a little during that time, stress causes wrinkles after all.

as soon as he sees you awake its like a dam breaks and he can't stop crying and hugging you.

he's definitely the type to demand answers. He wants them, to help you, and he wants them now!

it'll take some talking to get the point of mental health across, how its not just something that can be put aside. But he'll listen and do his best to learn.

asks you how you're doing everyday, and might even ask Rook to look after you when he gets worried..just for your safety of course.

Jack Howl; platonic, kinda sire/cub (y'all want an romantic version?)

wolf boy is worried about his little cub, he believes it when he hears it and mentally prepares for the worst while jogging to the infirmary.

is calm..on the outside, the only tell is his tail being down and his ears flat against his head. On the inside he's a mess, thinking of what could have prevented this and how he can help you when you wake up.

stays mostly by your side, and gets more aggressive when he can't - actually growled at Leona when the man pissed him off, he's just constantly stressed and hoping you wake up - takes a toll on him.

sees you as soon as you wake up, he might not have a smile on but his tail sags and starts to wag quite a bit. He might even hugs you, but would mostly likely wait for you to open your arms/ask him.

much more protective of you, talks with you once a day about your mental health and even gets you a support plush. Its a little wolf, to help you in times of need.

Sebek; so sorry for the Sebek fans, I've never written for him before and am scared of just writing something completely OOC (out of character), I'm still practising how's to write him and until I feel confident enough I won't. I ask for your understanding.

[an-au-blog]

You brought up East Blue Asylum AU, so I reread everything again, and now I want to know more things. Please tell me about Law? I don't know if it's better for him to also be a patient or a doctor there, but my little multi-shipping heart hopes there could be something there

Ok, funny you should mention that because I had a post about Law in the EBAW au in my drafts and just never got around to posting or finishing them??? So I'm going to be lazy now and copy paste (and finish) it here and hopefully it will answer your questions :))

(if not you can just send another ask lmao)

For a while I wondered if Law would be a doctor or a patient in the EBAW au, but maybe he'd be an actual doctor, who briefly worked with an ex of Luffy's father. Him and Crocodile bonded over their shared hatred of the man and one day Crocodile asked him to check in on Luffy. He naively thought that "the doctor social circle" extended to him, but it didn't. See, he wasn't a phycologist or physiatrist, he worked as a medical examiner - forensic for a while, but he was far from a psychiatrist. He dealt with dead people and the police, that was it. He had a decade or two in which he was a surgeon but he stopped. His "uncle"/his foster father's murderer used to use him as a personal patch-up charity. He used to be a big fish of the underground and Law finally had enough. He quit being a doctor, skipped town and started only examining dead people. It was the perfect job for him - they didn't complain, couldn't lie, great listeners... what else could a socially inept nerd like him want?

Still he decided to agree to go to see Crocodile's son, if and only if on top of the money he promised, he could convince the staff to let him stay there. He honestly thought it would be an impossible mission, but then Crocodile made one phone call to Robin and arranged everything. Law became the physical examiner of the east blue wing for the next month.

Luffy loved new people, especially if they didn't treat him like a kid or as if he was crazy. And Law had no idea how to treat anyone in any way, so he just went to the default - straight to the point and no nonsense. Unlike some of his friends, Luffy trusted Law right off the bat. He would drag him around showing him the whole wing and every time he tried making an excuse that he'd get in trouble for not staying in the doctor's room, because what if they needed him? Luffy would laugh and say that Chopper has everything handled.

Chopper, Law soon found to be the man hw would share a cabinet with. He was this short and hairy man who had figurines all over his desk. Law's jaw dropped when he saw that Chopper had the rare 1995 Christmas special comic addition of Getma 66 AND it was in the 2 in 1 package with the poison pink figurine. They had a little bonding moment over it and Chopper was excited to finally have someone that not only didn't judge him for his interest, but also shared it.

By the end of his one month visit, Law begrudgingly realized that he had grown fond of too many of the people there, both patients and staff. When leaving, he told Jinbe, who was the official "Boss", that if they ever needed him, he'd make himself available.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hello. So I'm having a battle inside of my brain. I've been following you for a while now, and I'm also in recovery for anorexia and bulimia. I'm also a newly graduated medical doctor. This means I know a lot about the human body. Which is exactly my point now. I try so, so hard to eat 'intuitively', listen to my body, and be okay with gaining weight, and I try to be in body positive and fat acceptance spaces (1/2, I will continue in next question)

(2/2), but I also know and I have seen with my two eyes, and treated with my own hands, the consequences of not eating healthy or being at an unhealthy body weight. I live in fear that If I eat and eat because I'm trying to recover, I'm gonna have the opposite health problems. I bring it up to my psychiatrist and psychologist, and they tell me there is no unhealthy food. But there is. And I just don't know how I should go with my recovery like this. Any advice for this? thank you for this blog

So I had to take a bit of time to think about the best way to articulate answers for you, because there are some complex and often competing needs addressed on my blog. I think it's important that you get an answer to your question, but I wanted to be careful to go about it in a way that wouldn't cause harm to anyone else. So I'm going to make my best effort, and putting it under a cut because it will be long and some who are triggered by medical views on fatness may prefer not to read on.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Having a battle in your brain, as you say, sounds like an agonizing way to live. I hope that you are able to work through it.

Now, as you may know if you frequent this blog, eating disorders are complex and varied. Bodies and their workings are complex and varied. Some people do experience a variety of health conditions that are influenced by what they eat, so for these individuals, they may be best served by making choices accordingly. These choices can also be incredibly complex in this world - you may have seen a recent ask I recieved, for example, about somebody whose husband was just diagnosed with diabetes. The asker was stressed about learning to prepare foods for them both in accordance with his strict diabetes-friendly diet would trigger their restrictive tendencies from their eating disorder. So as you can see, the dietary choices that might be in his best interest might not be in the best interest of the asker. But them being married, I'm sure they would like to share meals together, so following a diet that suits them both is complicated. Difficult choices will have to be made at every juncture.

Gluten is not inherently bad or evil. Unless you have Celiac disease, in which case gluten is actually going to kill you slowly. You need to monitor your salt if you have high blood pressure, but if you've been diagnosed with POTS, you may actually need more salt, and lots of it. I myself will occasionally snack on chips, but never Funyuns. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, but they were invariably a trigger food for me to binge, so I stopped bringing them into my house. But this doesn't make them an unacceptable snack choice for everybody else.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Different people are experiencing different circumstances, and may need different things. Just because a food is particularly bad for one person doesn't make it a "bad food" unilaterally. Even the kinds of foods we consider "junk foods" can be tolerated by our bodies in moderation - well, most of our bodies, anyway. Now there are some people who have eating disorders like ARFID, where they literally cannot eat most foods and must veeery gradually expand their palate. For these individuals, we say "no food is bad food" because, while you might not like to see a person living on, say, saltine crackers or potato chips alone, they will literally starve without it, and so eating the food they can eat is preferable. For these individuals, that sleeve of saltine crackers can be a lifeline. Or take anyone who has a complex gastrointestinal disorder. Ask anyone with Chrohn's about their gut and its complicated relationship with fruits and veggies, a staple segment of the food pyramid touted by most doctors for its immense health benefits. Eating what you can will keep you alive and as healthy as possible in cases like these.

Now, there are people who are impacted in complex ways by the kinds of foods I'm guessing you're describing - things like chips, candy, fried food, processed/instant food. So in this case, do keep in mind that when an individual has a diet consisting largely of these types of foods, there are often complex genetic, epigenetic, and socioeconomic factors that are influencing the way their bodies naturally work and the way their dietary patterns have been established. I do understand how easy it is, at first glance, to just point at their diet and assume that it's easy and sustainable to change it, or that it would be a fix-all. But those same factors that contribute to the development of those complex health issues are often ongoing into the life of the affected individual, not to mention financial and social complications that may make it difficult to change things. But again, just because you've identified a certain food as detrimental to a patient's specific needs doesn't mean it's the same in regards to your own body's needs. Especially if these foods cause a trigger reaction for you to restrict or become obsessed with food "purity."

Now I know that in your work you say that you've treated with your own two hands the results of eating unhealthy foods. But I want you to get honest with yourself here, because you're not mentioning the experiences of the doctors who have treated and seen the damages of restrictive eating disorders. Both anorexia and bulimia, when sufficiently progressed, can cause lasting damage to the body even years into recovery. And they can also cause death. Surely a bag of chips or a cookie every now and again can't be more unhealthy than that? I'm hoping that you can take the time to periodically remind yourself of this, and to remind yourself that your own bodily needs are your own, and that paying attention to what YOUR body needs is self-care.

I know it's hard for an eating-disordered mind to listen to logic, but I'm truly hoping that you can overcome this for your own sake as well as for the sake of your patients. Anon, medical fatphobia has a long history of damaging patients. I know this because I myself have seen it happen. I've told the story before of my friend who was raised by hippies, fed all-organic snacks and kale chips, never allowed a hydrogenated oil, and was still fat growing up. I watched this person reduced to eating saltines and a few bites of apple per day when they were suffering with gallstones. It was all they could eat, but because they were fat, doctors assumed that their gastrointestinal distress must be caused by an excess of fatty foods in their diet. They lived on apple slices and saltines for months, still suffering pain all that time, before they were correctly diagnosed. Can you imagine what it did to their body, to live on such a restricted diet for such an extended period of time? This was not the only time a missed diagnosis threatened their health because all doctors saw was the fat. This person also starved themselves for a few years after being taught to do so at fat camp, and their anorexic behaviors were never called out because even though they did lose weight, they never ended up "skinny" at their lowest weight. But that starving certainly couldn't have been better for them than just living fat - their vision was blacking out every time they stood up! Anon, I hope you don't mind if I speak to you honestly about this. It's hard to gain a full honest medical history from every patient and patient family member you come across, because healthcare is a complicated field. But you cannot let your fear of fatness dictate the way you hear and see your patients. Yes, even if they're not following their prescribed diet. Yes, even if food is a contributing factor in their particular case. (And do keep in mind that a patient's refusal to change diet may come from a place of complicated factors, financial, social, emotional, you name it. Compassion will get you farther with them than judgment, and may even help you get a fuller story.) But do it for yourself, too. And listen to your body. If a food makes your body FEEL well and nourished, then it wasn't a bad food. And you deserve to be well fed and embark on your own healing journey. I hope you find the self-worth to believe that.

Because honestly, food deprivation affects your metabolism. You may experience the notorious anorexia recovery hunger as your appetite reemerges, and you will need to give your body what it needs in order to develop a pattern of being healed in both body and mind. You can keep nutritious options around for that, but I think you may need to keep working on your fear of "snack foods." Your metabolism may be changed as well, and so yes, you may gain back more weight than you had envisioned, or your body shape may be different than you had expected for a little while. Sometimes the weight distribution is a little weird during that regaining phase, and that's okay and does not determine your worth. You are going through a medical event and deserve to be compassionate with your body and soul as that happens. In fact, that is the only way you can heal your mind. Because, even before you look to your patients and the ideal steps for their specific health needs, you need to prioritize yourself and look to your own individual needs. So to recap, periodically use these reminders.

"Just because a food is bad for that other person doesn't make it a bad food. My dietary needs are my own."

"There's no food unhealthier than an eating disorder."

"I will look inward at what my own eating behaviors have done to my health, rather than ruminating on that patient's eating behaviors."

"I'd rather gain weight than hurt my body again."

"My thinness does not reflect my worth."

Feel free to add on as you progress in your recovery journey. Best of luck, in that and in your career. It's certainly not an easy one. Do your best, be open to learning, and remind your eating disorder that your therapists are right even if it doesn't want to listen to logic. I hope that when you are able to bring yourself to eat your next treat, you enjoy it thoroughly.

[that-bipolar-mood]

Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

<3

[aramatientediada]

So, I started to use antidepressants

Since depression is the main topic in this site I decided to share my experience here.

My psychologist said to me see a psychiatrist or general physician for medicine prescription. In the public health system we have to talk with the general doc to get a specialist anyway.

I asked for psychiatrist and the doc offered an agreement, he'd give me a medicine and if it don't work in 15 days then he'll refer me to the psychiatrist.

He didn't give any detail about the medicine, besides to take it once a day.

I meet with the psychologist that day. She reacted to the fact that the doc prescribed a whole pill instead half and she make it very clear I have to take it in the morning and only in the morning because it gives me "disposition".

I took it 6 am and then read leaflet (I know I know but I tent to trust the doctors). So, NOBODY WAS GOING TO TELL ME I CAN'T DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINES WHILE USING THAT? I mean, I don't drive, but I have license so... I might.(!)(?)

Don't you hate it when you take a medicine for a thing and the side effects include that thing? I had this experience with others medicines before, but at least with the allergy one it made sense.

Somewhere between 8 and 10 am I started to VERY SLEEPY. Where was my desired disposition? I also felt other foreseen symptoms, like much mental blurriness and a bit of nausea in certain moments.

High, I was high but without the "good part" of feeling high we get with alcohol. Only the bad part.

This all got some better in the evening, but before the nigh I was very sleepy again. Probably something to do with I woke up before 4am?

Now is the next day. I hold my sleepiness and only went to bed around 9 or 10 pm but wake up by myself before 6. Which now that I look at it was a very good sleep time.

I wake up with residual sleep, but with a bit of "disposition" . Still a bit of that "bad high" feeling and The Confusion™.

Disobeying medical orders I took only half pill today, now lets see how the day goes.

At this moment you must be asking "But what about the intended effect? What about what really matters? Does it work".

Yes... and maybe.

I don't know how far it's actually working or is the placebo effect. I was actually feeling a lil better since my psych said to me ask for medicine. And a lot better having the prescription in hands. It's what Lori Gottlieb mentioned in "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone", the hope for a "cure" that makes us fell better for itself. (Hope actually has great medicinal power according science)

I can say that while physically I'm feeling a lil trash, emotionally I'm... perfectly normal!

Which is a humongous upgrade!

Not more that psychological enormous pain, that despair, that dread of living. Even though all the things in my life that make me fell worthless, in danger, without future, hopeless, powerless are still there!

Now those thing are just bothersome things that exist, but no more thing that make me want to cease exist every time I think about 'em.

I feel as wanting to unalive yourself is not a feeling, neither a desire or any natural part of the brain but a malfunction! Ok ok, we know the depression itself is already a malfunction, but I'm talking about the will to end yourself.

I'm not feeling a super love for live, that sweet feeling of wanting to live, but neither to stop living. And I don't feel that only the feelings and rationalization that give me suicidal intention were vanished, because they weren't (completely), but the intention itself is unable to exist.

Bad though are just bad toughs and nothing else, not triggers.

Is this how normal people feel? Is this how the people who never want to end themselves feel even when everything is terrible in their lives? Is this how they can fight back?

What a delicious feeling, I wish I could have it without the sleepy and nausea.

[not-poignant]

4 updates a month is still a lot so please do what's best for you and your health Pia!

Thank you anon!

Right now I'm doing a good attempt at being as melodramatically over it as Howl is lmao. (I am still actually really enjoying the writing, I'm just noticing there's starting to be a lot of spillover negative effects from working quite hard.)

(Put the rest under a cut because I realised I overshare, as always, lmao).

I think it's also just that like... there's a lot going on in my life right now. Up until two weeks ago when I reshuffled a bunch of medical stuff, I was seeing two therapists, a dietitian, a psychiatrist, my GP for a lot of medical stuff, a hepatologist for some of that medical stuff (my liver is fine actually but also not really), and a physiotherapy so I could basically learn how to walk without agony again after developing Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome.

I've had to stop seeing some of those people because like, money and also because I'm just oof, ready for a break. Doing physiotherapy workouts that increase every two days in intensity for months has wreaked some havoc on my chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia, even if it has given me back some knee stability (yay!!!). And business stuff behind the scenes re: figuring out how to market an oracle deck (I'm very bad at it), and what to do with my writing to see if I can ever ever turn it into a liveable income (idk maybe? I'm bad at it too, and I'm a long way off still), plus increased costs of living (we're all dealing with this though) and stuff is just...

WELL. You didn't sign up for a recap of my life anon! But if you got this far have some good stuff as well:

My ADHD meds have actually been working pretty well! It's really really great to see progress re: my knee pain and injury and instability because for a while there we were pretty sure I had hit 'might need a wheelchair for the foreseeable future' and while that might happen in the future, it's definitely not going to happen now. Also my physiotherapist is great? (Physical therapist for people not in Australia).

And it's spring here, and everything is flowering in my garden and it looks so so nice. Here's some photos from my Instagram (yes, folks are welcome to follow if they want). I got a little new stationery organiser today which makes my pen collector soul so delighted. And I get to go to bed soon, and I get so excited when it's bed time. I LOVE SLEEP. Lol.

Sending y'all love if you read all of this. Long story short, I am pulling back and taking a bit of a writing break in October - still writing, just less! Partly because burnout, and partly because emotional wellbeing, and partly because next week is NaNoWriMo and I hope y'all are ready for me to absolutely smash it out re: writing in November :D I'll come back guns blazing.

[weabooweedwitch]

Are you neurodivergent (autism/adhd) ?

Uhhhh honestly it's kind of up in the air? The problem with adhd specifically is, well at least the way I had it described to me by a psychiatrist is "adhd is diagnosed by process of elimination" and what that means is that if you have literally any other symptoms for adhd before being diagnosed with adhd specifically, they tend to assume those issues are caused by other things. So, for me, I lose objects a lot, I can bounce around topics in a conversation like racing thoughts to the point other people struggle to keep up, I have mood regulation issues, idk if what I go through are legitimate autism fixations but I call them "phases" where I'm just super into stuff like all consuming my mind but, that goes back and forth and happened a lot more when I was younger, idk. So, for me, as some one with diagnosed depression and anxiety, I've had doctors tell me l "well, those are all depression/anxiety symptoms, let's treat those first and if they don't respond to treatment/meds then maybe it's something else?"

I was 22 and had a doctor diagnose me with adhd and the immediate next psychiatrist I went to said they didn't agree. When I was younger my mom who at the time was specifically working with children with developmental disabilities thought I may have had Aspergers, but then when we saw a doctor who was well known for working wirh autistic kids, he said "she's a lil quirky but I don't see it"

So like, I dunno, I don't remember if I felt any difference when I was on adhd medication and currently I'm not on anything for depression or anything like that because, idk I just kinda stopped taking them and I was also struggling with alcoholism and taking meds with booze literally increases the toxicity damage done to your liver so I kinda just stopped taking meds in favor of drinking tbh 😩

But yeah I've had it suggested to me I might be neurodivergent but, unfortunately psychiatry is often a subjective field and I've yet to get consistent answers on 'what my deal is' so. I guess I'll just keep my eyes open and keep on trucking and hope maybe someday something will click and I can function better lol

[shop-korea]

DOWNTOWN - MIAMI - IS - A - SMALL

PLACE YESTERDAY - HUMAN SERVICES

NELY - CALLED - 2 - ME - FR - HER - CAR

MY - APPOINTMENT - 4 - MEDICAL - WAS

CHANGED - 2 - 8A - INSTEAD - OF - 11A &

SHE - BROUGHT - ME - THERE

MEDICAL - QUESTIONS - 45 MIN - LONG

BUT NEXT STOP - MALE - PSYCHIATRIST

I - PASSED - I - DON'T - HAVE - 2 SEE HIM

MONTHLY - OR - ONCE - IN - AWHILE AND

NO - MEDICATION - REQUIRED

I - PASSED FOR - HUD - OR - LOW INCOME

HIS - WAS - 15 MIN - ONLY

MY - INTERVIEWS - WERE - THE LAST

2 HOURS

AND - I - PASSED - AGAIN

TOMORROW - FINAL - HOUSING - YES

APPLICATION - SHORTER - TIME

NELY - PICKING - ME - UP - FRONT OF

MY - TENT - (10A - 10:20A)

SHE - COMES - EARLY

GOING - FIRST - 2 - MAIN - LIBRARY

10 MIN - SET UP - BACK 2 TENT

BRINGING - ME - THERE - FOR - AN

APPROVED - HOUSING APPLICATION

PAPERWORK - I - HAVE - 2 - FILL - UP

ALL - MY - PAPERWORK - SUBMITTED

APPROVED - INTERVIEWS

MOST LIKELY - A - BRAND NEW - BLDG

OF - APARTMENTS

DOWNTOWN - BRICKELL WHO KNOWS

SO - I'M - EXCITED

HOUSING - ME - LESS THAN - 2 WEEKS

AUGUST 2024

NO - ROOMMATE

NEW HOPE - PAYS - DEPOSIT

I - PAY - 30% - OR - LESS - OF - MY - SSI

MAYBE - ELECTRICITY - AND - WATER

BUT - GAS - INCLUDED - 1 BED - APT IN

MIAMI - FL - ABOVE - JUST - $128.11 EA

MONTH - MY - LOWEST - COMPARED 2

CALIFORNIA - NEW YORK

OVER - $350 - ELECTRICITY

OVER - $300 - WATER

ALL - UTILITY - EXCEPT - PHONE - $128.11

1 BEDROOM - APT - MIAMI - FLORIDA

EXCITING - I - CAN - PAY - THAT

GOING - NOW - 2 - PICK UP - HUB LOCKER

EARRINGS - PORTABLE - FAN - CHEAPER

SAME - AS - BEFORE

I - HAVE - OVER - $70 - NOW

AMAZON - GIFT - CARD - $34.66 - WHEN

ITEM - RECEIVED - IN - THEIR - CENTER

WITH - THE - UPS STORE

LONGER - THAN - WHOLE - FOODS

REFUND - 15 MIN - LESS THAN 2 HRS

SO - CHECKING - OUT - BOOKS THEN

LEAVING

BEST - ROMANCE - AUTHOR

DEBBIE MACOMBER

WHOLESOME - FAMILY - CHRISTMAS

BEST - WORDS - STORIES - ROMANCE

GREAT - NEWS - EVERYBODY

JESUS - IS - LORD

I - JUST - PRAYED - SUPERNATURAL

INTERVENTION - 2 B - HOUSED FAST

'HEY - THAT's - THE - FAVOR - OF GOD'

THAT - CALL - 'HOORAY - MIAMI' - HAI

[sincelastsession]

Justin told me his std and sti results were back. I didn't really enjoy waking up to this information. He seems overly eager to have sex. It's making it harder for me to be comfortable.

I wish I could share the entire exchange I had with Matt today. He was sick but he's a bit better, going to work and acting silly.

I called Travis after seeing the "I don't have stds" text I got this morning. His boss is mad he was on the phone. We usually chat every day. I'm hoping I didn't get him in trouble.

I need to do so much today but I feel frozen up. I miss taking my Adderall. I think it's fucking bullshit that the medical board that isn't even compromised of decent doctors or all psychiatrists would scare my psychiatrist so bad that he can't prescribe what works for me for anxiety, pain, and severe adhd. I have some left over I could try but it seems absolutely pointless. I get so much relief from it mentally. I'm a completely different person and it makes me want to cry trying to communicate without it. I'm aware that xanax Adderall and weed looks and sounds like a terrible cocktail but it worked and I was functioning well. It sucks (can't think of a stronger word) that ppl like those on the medical board can't hear out a patient. I was very responsible and methodical on how I took everything. I've never had issues on that combo. I'm really mad that I have to suffer because some doctors are ignorant and I'm mad at those that abuse these meds (I know addiction is a disease and I don't hate them for that) but it is frustrating for ppl that actually need it. I miss my old psychiatrist. He would have fought the medical board for me.

I'm still frozen up in bed. I need to eat, do laundry, bathe, and get to bed on time.

My Netflix is broken and I'm sad. I'd have to contact my Dad and have him fix it. I could leave and let him come fix the problem but he will go through my things and look at my bank account and possibly take any pain meds he can find. He thinks it's ok to act like this. He's getting around 200 a week on unemployment my mom said.

I think I'm supposed to feel bad for him, that this is a guilt trip. His choices previously have been bad. I bought him a vegetarian cookbook, the exact one his doctor told him to get. It was 50bucks. He never read it. He fried fish the next week. 3 out of 5 of his heart stints are clogged now.

No one has setup anything for me to know what to do if they pass. I have requested this many times. I want to know clear answers on what goes to who and how he wants to be buried etc. But there's nothing I'm aware of set in stone.

He also wants to put a lean on my mom's house so she can't force sell the house after he dies. I haven't told her. I feel terrible knowing this information that I didn't need to know. He had me convinced she was evil. She had me convinced he was bad as well. I don't understand how these people are my parents.

My sister thinks she owns the house because she's been cleaning the hoarder mess but also been stealing and throwing things of mine away. My dad just gives away mine and my mom's things to her. It's fucked up. It's not just one incident. They don't have a proper understanding of boundaries. It feels violating. They don't care how I feel. If they did they'd apologize for hurting me and stop acting that way.

I hope my sister's fiance takes her with him everywhere. I don't want to hear about the drama of it falling apart like it's likely to do. They definitely aren't ready or equipped for marriage. They've both definitely cheated on one another by now is my guess.

My dad is basically grooming my sister to be how he wants. Emotional incest insanity. He did the same shit to me.

I mean pretty much I don't feel like my own person. I guess a goal would be to develop that and help me be able to see it.

I'd also like to try and accept that as I am fat and not losing weight currently due to metabolic issues that I'm gonna have to suck it up.

I feel pretty behind my peers in some aspects but I also know how to do various things and think differently than they do.

How does someone like me find my feminity? How do I get the libido back? Trying to get off by myself isn't even enjoyable anymore.

Yet I have a clean tested man that I'm not being very nice to willing to do everything to fix that in whatever way I desire.

I don't understand the magnetic effect I have on ppl but ppl have told me I am like that.

I feel like a very tired alien.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 50

Very brief message because it's 3:30AM and all I want is to SLEEP.

I made the reckless decision to brutally go off antidepressants completely just so I can experience the full syptoms of whatever mental illness(es) I have so I can get a better and hopefully more accurate diagnosis and be take more seriously next time I see a psychiatrist.

Three days ago I felt EXTREMELY anxious for asbolutely no reason at all. I wanted to go to the restaurant, I went, and almost as soon as I stepped foot out of my flat, I got anxious. Over nothing. I just FELT anxious. And I was also super irritated by everything. That was the case yesterday too, and a little bit today as well, but it really is less and less.

These past two days I've been feeling super motivated and happy. I can get lots of stuff done and I want to get lots of stuff done. I believe in crazy shit like "I'm going to write a book and have it published" or "I'm going to study 3D animation" or "I'm going to become a tattoo artist". And to think 3 days ago I just thought I was going to do none of that and just work whatever job I'd be given...?

Anyway, I know this is probably very temporary and a relapse is probably going to kick in soon, hopefully in a week or two only, but it's probably more a matter of a couple of days.

I got my Heartstopper tattoo and I'm so so happy about it. I also love my tattoo artist. What I see in her is like... a 15 year older version of myself? We happen to have quite a lot in common except she is under medication that really treats her illness well and therefore she is pretty stable and enjoys her daily life, and that just gives me hope for my own future.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog updated more regularly, especially because I wanna keep track of how my mental state evolves, especially since I've had a hard time focusing and remembering anything lately, and also because whenever I feel bad I get sort of "black outs" and forget :')

See you soon hopefully

xx

Update:

I posted the first part at around 3/4AM so in order to update I must do it on the same post.

Around 2AM I felt peaceful and like I was about to fall asleep but I made the very stupid decision to reply to my grandma's messages knowing it was going to take me 2 hours. So at around 4/5AM, when I finally could go to bed, I felt super anxious, I felt like someone was in the room watching like lowkey paranoid. I think I even woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone's breath but honestly it was probably just mine obviously. I think I fell back asleep and woke up again a little before 12PM.

Then I knew I really had to finish preparing my trip to England which is just under two weeks away from now but it made me so fucking anxious. I still managed and ended up taking a lot of pleasure in it! I was pretty much laughing hysterically at everything.

Then I got up to get prepared because I'm getting my 2nd booster against Covid, which I was totally chill about until I left the house and almost had a full blown crisis with tears and anxiety, which I've been trying to fight for the past hour. It's only 10 mins til my appointment. I'm not scared of the shot in itself, I'm just too unstable. I'm not even sure the vaccine in itself is the real cause of my mental anguish, I think it's mostly because I promised myself after this shot I would stop wearing my mask, which should be liberating but instead makes me feel miserable.

We're the 21st of April and it's day 3 (I think) with no medication at all. I refrain from taking anything, not even a bit of medication against anxiety.

At some point I tried to remember what I did yesterday and just couldn't for about a minute. I still feel dizzy when I walk most of the time. When I say or think about the words "death" I just wanna cry. I wish I could die to end the suffering right as I'm writing this but when I think of dying I just get traumatizing flashbacks from my dad's death.

I'm trying to sit down somewhere and collect myself because I really must not cry in front of some poor strangers working at the pharmacy. They haven't done anything to deserve to see me like this.

I am so in pain right now. I wish a doctor would listen and try to help.

[notabled-noodle]

so i'm starting to think I might also have adhd in addition to being autistic - partially because one of my past psychiatrists also had his suspicions (but the Qb test was negative) and partially because I'm on ritalin and it's the only thing that keeps me awake and partially because I've been noticing I've been like laser-focusing on shit - which I'm now realizing is probably what I was doing as a kid whenever I read - and I'm pretty sure it's adhd hyperfocus.

like I spent a day making memes because i was feeling sick and pretty much forgot to eat (and also forgot to take my lunch dose of ritalin). then the next day I went to an event with my mom and made a painting, after which I was completely wiped out for some reason.

and in the past four days I've written EIGHTEEN pages (single spaced 12 point font) of a story that will never see the light of day under this name or my real name, and I actually couldn't stop writing - I stayed up past midnight finishing a section despite the fact that I was starting to get a headache from being sleep-deprived and dehydrated by the end of it.

so I'm thinking about trying to get tested again, but I can't come off my ritalin or else I won't be able to stay awake, and I'm worried that I'll just get told I don't have it again because the Qb test is negative. Do you have any information about how the process will go and what I should know about it going into it? Anything I should keep in mind?

Also, is it possible that the reason some people with ADHD test negative because they hyperfocus on the Qb test?

No pressure for any of this. If nothing else I just. Need to get out and write down the idea that I may have ADHD and tell someone or else it's just going to sit and fester in my head and bother me.

Thanks either way /gen

I can’t respond to anything re: medication because I am not a pharmacist or doctor of any kind, and I don’t want to be making any judgements one way or another where they’re concerned. I’m also completely unmedicated so I can’t even speak to personal experience

however!

if you want an ADHD diagnosis, here’s what I’d recommend:

try keeping a symptoms/traits journal

make a list of all your main symptoms/traits

look at how they intersect with autism, noting the similarities/differences

bring this information with you to your appointment

all of my diagnosis stuff was basically just. being read a list of different symptoms and different ways those symptoms can present, and being asked questions about how they apply to me. then they asked similar questions to my parents. then they had me do a bunch of questionnaires, and that was that

a problem for a lot of people with ADHD is that we tend to forget what we feel like when we no longer feel that way (lack of emotional permanence). so if someone with ADHD is filling out a questionnaire while they’re happy, hyperfocusing, etc… their brains are going to act like they’re happy all the time. similarly, filling it out while sad can make it come across like we’re depressed because we can’t remember not being sad.

this is why it’s important to try your best to keep a record of this stuff. you can refer to it when you’re doing questionnaires too (especially if they make you answer the questions from home). having the record there is a way to remind your brain that you have experienced a wide variety of things, not just whatever you happen to be experiencing at that moment

I hope this makes sense, and I wish you all the best with your diagnosis stuff

[darkintelect]

a letter to everyone who has ever said "just get help" to a mentally ill person,

firstly, i hope you thank your lucky stars every night that either you brain functions correctly or you had the right support system and the right doctors at the right time and everything should be just as easy.

i can only speak for myself, but i have been depressed and anxious for about a decade now. couldn't get a proper diagnosis or help because of my living arrangement and situation. when i reached college i thought yay finally i can get better.

if it were only that easy.

i spent three years at university and went through three separate therapists. the first therapist straight up lied to me and made my issues about themself, never listening to what i was saying. the second was nice enough to refer me to a psychiatrist but still instilled guilt during every session. the third one was a lifesaver, i loved them, but the system fucked me over and said i couldn't see them anymore. now i'm on medication that's stopped working and my general doctor doesn't know what to do so he says "maybe it'll change."

i'm still lacking knowledge about myself because of people who withheld things from me or denied getting me assessed. i had learned to cope before all this, but now it's getting worse and i'm tired. i'm tired of being dismissed, belittled, and betrayed quite honestly. now i hate myself more than ever and tired!

so next time you want to say "just get help," keep your fucking mouth shut. and to all of you suffering, i am so proud of you. so so proud.

[dollhandinfection]

I haven't been on Tumblr in a while because my life's been a rollercoaster to say the least. I had to go to KC Care Clinic for my tooth because I literally couldn't find anywhere else that takes my insurance. They said it'd just make the best sense to take the tooth out so I said okay. They spend hours yanking on my tooth and finally say they normally wouldn't but they feel like they have to cut the tooth into pieces to remove it, I say okay. They spend about 4 hours pulling and cutting into my tooth and given me 9 numbing shots in total just to tell me tell me they've given me the max and they still can't get my tooth out. They tell me I have to wait until next Tuesday until a specialist that comes once or twice a month can come and take it out, it was Monday. They prescribe me a THREE DAY PRESCRIPTION for hydrocodone, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see the specialist for over a week. They were originally going to send me home with just Tylenol and ibuprofen until I told them that I couldn't medically take ibuprofen because of my GI issues. Like wtf?? When I make the appointment for the specialist over the phone the person told me that this specialist was really good and that "he's basically gonna make it a little OR". She said I wasn't going to be knocked out, but I remember specifically asking her if it was more than numbing shots and she said oh yes. Come time my appointment I'm waiting 30 minutes past for them to finish with someone else, the room is full with other people. They tell me they can only give me numbing shots! I was rightfully upset. I should have asked for the name of that woman who set up the appointment with me, because she straight up lied to me. All KC Care seems to do is lie to me. I told him to just get the damn tooth out and make sure to give me pain medicine and I let them know that this was ridiculous, I still thanked them for removing it after it was done. I had already been looking for another place for my mental health needs, i.e. a new therapist and psychiatrist, but I decided right then and there that I would be moving and my medical needs as soon as possible to literally anywhere else. To put the cherry on top, two days later I get a call from my attorney that KC Care for some reason has not released my medical records for my Disability Claim and Disability is going to make a decision in less than 10 days REGARDLESS if they release them or not. Meaning if they don't release them I'll automatically lose my chance, and I would be LIVID. So let's hope for their sake that doesn't happen. I've tried calling and leaving a message, if I don't hear back by Tuesday I will be going down to the building and asking why they aren't releasing them and what I can do because this is ridiculous. Oh and also, I can't see. Well, I can't see really well, my phone is being held right up to my face. Everything is EXTREMELY blurry, like my eyes are full of water. Apparently I'm having and adverse reaction to Topiramate, I stopped taking it and went to the ER they said nothing seemed emergent and to just talk to my psychiatrist on Monday. But this really really sucks. It was really scary at first. Now it's just annoying that I can't see and sucks that I have a constant headache. I'd like to catch a break soon if at all possible haha. Wish me luck and good vibes y'all I really need it! Also lots of love I need that too!!! 💕

[mentalillnessmouse]

(1/3) I'm 26 and think I might have ADHD. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety and am currently in therapy for it. My therapist is pregnant though and I only have 2 more sessions with her, then she'll be gone until January. I've read a lot about the symptoms of inattentive ADHD and it fits me so well... It would explain several problems that I keep having and that I'm unable to stop. Most of all I feel like I'm lazy but I can't do the things I need/want to do because they are boring to me

(2/3) and it’s physically painful. I can’t focus in lectures, I can’t study for exams etc. Now I’m not sure if I should mention this to my therapist the next time I see her? We had planned to use these remaining sessions to talk about how I’ll cope when she’s not there and possible strategies for difficult social situations etc. But now I can’t stop thinking what if I actually do have ADHD? I’ve always felt like this but never knew it wasn’t “normal”. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid even

(3/3) if I mention it she won’t believe me… Whenever she gave me exercises and “homework” to do I did it right before I had to go see her because I just COULDN’T do it earlier. When she asked if I had practiced the exercises I always said yes even if I didn’t do it. I know that’s not helpful but I just felt so ashamed because I WANTED to do everything perfectly but I just couldn’t… So either she’ll be disappointed in me or she won’t even believe me… What should I do?

hey, 

talk to your therapist, anon. i don’t think a woman who is willing to sit down and plan out what you should do when she’s not available is going to be the sort to be disappointed in you or disbelief you. she should want to implement a plan of action that you can move forward with to get help. i didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until i was in my early 20s and only because i off handedly mentioned that i might have it in a regular session with my psychiatrist! he didn’t say ‘no way’ and dismiss my concerns, you know? he tested me for it and then helped me get on medications that have improved my quality of life. 

when you talk to your therapist at this upcoming session make sure to ask if she can test you for it or if she has recommendations for someone else who can or even a testing center you can go to. 

don’t let your fears hold you back from getting help that could greatly improve the quality of your life! and even if it turns out you don’t have ADHD at least that lets your therapist know that you have these concerns that also need to be addressed in your treatment plan. 

i hope this helps! and here’s some tips on talking about your mental health from our helpful resources page

This post on telling someone about your mental health problem has some great tips and advice.

This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself.

Talk about Mental Health

How to start your conversation

stay safe, 

kei 

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀