#Lack Of Love

[redjadethewriter]

Longing For Love: Complex Trauma Deflects Deep Connection and Love

When I look back on the dream of the “Lady with a Needle” and analyze it today, my abstract mind back then conjured a way to show me the depth to which love had penetrated in my romantic relationships. It may have seemed gruesome or even frightening, the image of love manifesting as piercing wounds on my arm, with the woman inserting a needle directly through and locking both ends to prevent its removal. But then again, many of my life traumas often manifest as wounds on my body in dreams.

In the past, I used to dream about showing someone all the stab wounds and bullet wounds I’ve endured over time. I would confidently take off my shirt and reveal my scars, whether they were freshly opened wounds or partially healed ones. However, learning about C-PTSD has shed light on how this condition affects my ability to connect deeply and allow love to penetrate.

Reflecting on this vivid dream, it’s difficult to ignore being stabbed by a long needle. It has made me realize that most of my relationships never reached such a deep level. They remained mostly surface-level, and some didn’t even pierce at all, instead tearing up my flesh with countless unsuccessful attempts. The most significant instance of this was my marriage, which caused widespread injury.

I have to admit that my life didn’t have good role models for love. I believe that many individuals who engage in introspection eventually will come to the same conclusion. Recalling a scientist’s attempt to study love through brain activity, they observed that regions of the brain associated with familiarity and novelty would illuminate.

Personally, I approach theories and studies from science enthusiasts with caution. While they may be logical and backed by numbers, graphs, and figures, I believe it is important to balance this understanding that we cannot fully comprehend human emotions. One theory, for example, suggests that familiarity and novelty are the basis of love, solely based on brain scans. If this is true, it is crucial to warn people about their modeled figures, may influence their attraction to certain people and relationships. Unfortunately, that’s their parents or caregivers. However, this concerns me because it raises questions about the context of familiarity and novelty. If a person’s parental figure was abusive or narcissistic, or the relationship displayed destructive behaviors, their children may subconsciously or unconsciously follow a similar path in choosing partners. The question then becomes, how do we change this pattern? If someone did not have exposure to a healthy form of love or a healthy relationship model, they would likely continue in a similar cycle. This is why I engage in self-reflection, as I strive to break free from this cycle. It is disheartening to see that some individuals should have ended their romantic relationships long ago because of incompatibility, without realizing the detrimental impact it would have on their children, who are the most vulnerable in their lives.

I have personally witnessed a disturbing trend among my blood relatives and their children, particularly their young sons. Even before reaching the age of 10, these boys are showing signs of bitterness towards women. This is not something to be taken lightly or ignored, as the younger generation is bearing the brunt of it. They are incredibly depressed and lonely. While many people blame millennials for societal issues, the truth is that generations before them, such as gen-x and boomers, along with their parents, are responsible as well. This is a generational issue that continues to repeat itself, with a common underlying theme: bad parenting, a lack of healthy examples of love, and the suppression of a child’s natural inclination to explore and discover themselves, including their emotions. Rather than allowing children to embrace their true selves, adults often punish or ostracize them for deviating from societal gender norms and other human devised structures that gatekeep individuals.

***sigh***

Clustering people under two categories of traits is not beneficial to anyone. For example, I may appear tomboyish, but I actually give off more mommy vibes. I admit I emanate more yin energy than yang. Interestingly, I’ve seen even the most girly of ladies give off daddy vibes. I use these terms because I may have watched too much Thai GL. Furthermore, in all my past relationships, my partners have exhibited more yang traits, and I have no clue how that happened. There seems to be truth to the idea of magnetism drawing in your opposite in romantic relationships. But the point I’m making is, so what if someone prefers to exist in a certain way? All couples work differently to coexist. It’s about whatever brings joy and fulfillment.

But let’s refocus on the main topic…

Or not…

It saddens me to see how conditioned behaviors constantly oppress our individual human nature, or even have someone dictate our human nature based on extremely biased perspectives and not consider the nurture aspect of it. It almost seems like society wants to avoid accountability for the shitshow that they have created, but that’s just my assumption.

When I observe people ending up in abusive relationships or other unhealthy circumstances, I can’t help but question the root cause. Unfortunately, it falls on the parents’ shoulders, yet they too are victims of the same circumstances, lacking healthy love and healthy parenting role models. Recognizing this vicious cycle is crucial, and it’s up to me to take accountability and start the steps for change. I have come to accept that breaking this cycle will largely be my responsibility for my lineage. I don’t expect my parental figures to take any accountability; this is about my life and salvaging whatever quality I can find to allow deep love into it.

I yearn to learn and experience what healthy love truly is, even if I have to draw from the experiences of others who also struggle with this issue. I’ve realized that love is not transactional. It’s also a fundamental part of who I am and what I desire, buried beneath layers of darkness. However, I am not desperate to seek it out, as I have learned firsthand that nothing good comes from desperation. Instead, I strive to maintain a steady mind and unwavering determination to have patience and find a romantic partner who truly aligns with my desires and values. I firmly believe that time and age should not dictate when I will meet that person, as many individuals find their soulmates or life partners later in life, often after going through many divorces or even having children in the process.

After learning this and reflecting on it, I’ve realized that if I’m going to invest my energy in someone, it needs to be in a relationship that is truly worth it. I want to build something meaningful with a solid foundation. So, when I had that dream where someone deeply connects with me and commits to both ends, it confirms to me that this person, or even myself, desires that level of commitment and will put in the effort. Even though I was initially hesitant in the dream, it turned out to be beneficial because that person genuinely cared about my well-being. They wanted to ensure I felt secure and safe. It’s comforting to think about having someone who has my back and maybe feel safe enough with them to let down my defenses.

However, I’ll conclude this rant by saying, “genuine love is not crazy.” That’s just settling for bullshit. Actually, it’s called attachment and abandonment issues.

Shit… I have a lot to work on.

Thank you.

[pain-is-my-game]

I've finally realized why it's so hard for me to say I love you to my friends even though I can say it so easily to my mother. The phrase doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Especially since it's been used so much by someone who clearly doesn't show it by their actions. So that's why I can't say it back to the people who say it to me with genuine intent. It doesn't feel right.

[thegradientwave]

Song of the Day | 10.09.23: Dream by Ryuichi Sakamoto

[nauseousmagpie]

how does it feel?

seeing other peoples parents posting about how proud they are of their children knowing you’ll never get the same treatment?

[easternmind]

L.O.L is initialism for Lack of Love, a 2000 Dreamcast game by Love-de-Lic. But it might as well stand for Labour of Love, as Sakamoto single-handedly composed, arranged, produced, performed and mixed this soundtrack in return for but a nominal fee. Additionally, he used mostly his own instruments, including a programmable music box (4. Transformation) and an antique pump organ he had restored (5. Mission). By using unexpected sounds and textures he aspired to produce music that would not be immediately recognized as game sound. 

On the insert back notes, he expresses his gratitude for his friend and game designer Kenichi Nishi. The concept behind Lack of Love originated from their email exchanges on topics as broad as evolutionary biology, earth sciences or cybernetics. The history of video game music is replete with masterpieces, the talent of its past and present composers increasingly divulged, recognized and celebrated. 

And yet there is a distinctive quality to Sakamoto's work that begs to be listened to. Attentively.

This soundtrack can be found on @Spotify or @Apple Music.

[pasosparaolvidar]

Hola,

Pasé para desearte un feliz año,

Sentí que tal vez, el tiempo sería suficiente par apagar la nostalgia

Sin embargo, heme aquí pensando en el año pasado, durmiendo abrazado a ti,

Te seré honesto, extrañarte cada vez es más raro,

Pero hoy no pude evitar ver en mi mente tus ojos, escuchar nuestras canciones y pensar en lo que hubiera sido este 2023-2024 cerca a ti.

Espero que sigas por ahí, que la vida te sonría

[elentropista]

¿qué mata primero, es la falta de amor o la falta de dinero?

what kills first, is it lack of love or lack of money?

. .. ... .. . .. ... .. .

[lu2211]

[anfang-zwanzig]

We are suffering because we love. Suffering is the proof - everything is love or the lack of love.

[nothing2-c]

I feel like at this point nobody will want to be in a relationship with me.

[pain-is-my-game]

I think that the only reason why I'm such a romantic is because I've reasoned that if I can't get the familial love that at the various least I can fill that void with romance.

[figflesh]

Ryuichi Sakamoto - L.O.L. (Lack of Love) (2000)

Composed for L.O.L (Lack of Love) , an evolutionary life sim for Sega Dreamcast. 

[wocado]

It is not a lack of love ~ @PureNietzsche

It is not a lack of love, but

love, friendship, love quotes, friendship quotes, Friedrich Nietzsche, Friedrich Nietzsche quotes, lack of love, lack of love quotes, unhappy, unhappy quotes, unhappy marriage, unhappy marriage quotes #PICTUREQUOTES, #QUOTES

[easternmind]

Ryuichi Sakamoto 1952 - 2023 Ending Theme from the soundtrack for Lack of Love, 2000.

[meghansdreamdesignsblog]

Guys ---please don't ever pressured me and I know I should never pressured myself either...i have to be honest, I don't have great romance/love experiences in years because of all those flaws that most people don't like especially my odd physical appearance. I do want to be in love(in fantasy)but sadly, I don't think it's gonna work in reality. I think love/relationships don't or won't ever work for me at all...Yes, I also have trust issues... I also hated when someone said to me that I should date ‘special ed’ person--its like a stereotype. For example, ‘hey I have someone who's on the wheel chair just like you’. Does that make sense? i also don't see myself as a grirlfriend, lover, wife, etc.. I can't date, I can't get married...love is too much for me because of my body image and many flaws, including my severe premenstrual disorder. I would get easily excluded or rejected again and again...i know others see me as a threat when my intense emotions and hypersensitive issues can be too much for them... If I meet someone, it'll happen again. And then I’ll get easily control, excluded, abuse, and left out,etc.....please don't ever say--I mean JUST DONT!!!!’ You're just too negative’“You're being so quiet’“You’re just too picky’’Youre too emotional’, you're too much’, ‘You haven't found the right one’,’ ‘Thsts your fault’, ‘youre just lazy’, ‘Youre being anti-social’, ;youre not mature enough’......I’m much better off as an asexual person because I don't see myself romantically and sexually enough in year's.. Please understand this--thank you