#Self Aware that's not so my concept is going to be different than others

[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

[waitineedaname]

i was thinking my little thoughts while falling asleep last night, and a concept occurred to me: what if binghe learned about the system not from shen qingqiu, but from shang qinghua

look, he likes shang qinghua alright. he's pretty disinterested in p much anyone who isn't shen qingqiu, but on the list of People Luo Binghe Tolerates, shang qinghua is relatively high. he gave him advice on wooing sqq, after all, and sqq likes his company, so binghe tolerates his shang-shishu

but the thing is, shang qinghua is a spy. has been for decades. binghe knows this. really, everyone knows this at this point, which isn't a great look for a spy, but still. and since shang qinghua is a spy for mobei-jun, who is a subordinate for luo binghe, then technically shang qinghua is also working for him, but you don't get to the position of demon emperor without a healthy amount of suspicion for everyone in your court

so he decides to test shang qinghua a little bit. nothing major, just a little poking around in his dreams. he starts out with a subtle touch, just sifting through his memories. most of it is what he expected. he sees his time on an ding as a disciple and then later as peak lord, he sees him working for mobei-jun. he sees mobei-jun in some compromising situations, which he files away for later, and then sees him in an entirely different flavor of compromising situations, and binghe immediately decides to act like he never saw that

then he decides to take a more direct approach and starts nudging the dreams in other directions, to see how he might react to certain scenarios, test his loyalty. he expects shang qinghua to act cowardly, or bluff his way through a situaton, maybe even draw his sword if pushed far enough

what he doesn't expect is for shang qinghua to frown at the changes luo binghe made and go "I didn't write it like this"

what

binghe is so bewildered by that response that he loses his grip on the dream for a second, and before he knows it, shang qinghua has spun the dream scenario back into the way the scene originally played out. he steps back and looks satisfied. "there we go," he says. "that's how it went. you know, if I'd known I'd be dealing with this scene myself, I would've written it differently"

what the hell does that mean?

fascinated, luo binghe continues to test him. most of the time, when he toys with someone's dream, they're completely unaware of the changes. shang qinghua, despite not seeming aware that he's lucid dreaming, seems very aware of how each scene should go. except for, strangely, many of the scenes that binghe himself was in. binghe pulls up one from his disciple days, one of the times he remembered shang qinghua coming to qing jing on some errand. he hadn't even changed anything yet, had just let the dream version of his younger self launch himself at shizun in a tacklehug, but shang qinghua tsks and takes the reins from him before he can make any edits. "sorry bing-ge, but that was just way too out of character," shang qinghua says. the dream copy of luo binghe's younger self is sent further away, watching the peak lords with a sullen gaze. he's skinnier than binghe remembers being at this age, and one of his eyes is swollen with a purple bruise. that doesn't make any sense, luo binghe thinks. he hadn't been beaten on qing jing peak for years at this point.

the shen qingqiu beside shang qinghua in the dream stands with his back straight as a ruler, and when his gaze lands on luo binghe, he sneers behind his fan. shang qinghua sighs. "cucumber-bro really wasn't as good of an actor as he thought he was. he's way too soft to ever seem like the original goods."

alarmed, luo binghe dispels the dream and steps out of it entirely. sure, he knows shen qingqiu's personality changed almost overnight when he had that qi deviation. everyone knew that. he avoided questioning it much, unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth when it meant having a shizun that cared for him

but shang qinghua. shang qinghua seems to know something more about shen qingqiu's personality change. something he's not sharing. luo binghe didn't like the idea that one of his subordinates could be hiding something as vital as this from him

well, this had been a test of his spy's loyalties, hadn't it? perhaps he should make a visit to an ding. he had some questions.

[russellsppttemplates]

Are you staying? (Logan Sargeant)

Before the Miami GP, you fly over to spend some days with your boyfriend's family, and it turns out that you can charm more than one Sargeant

Note: english is not my first language. This is the first thing I've ever written for Logan and I'm excited and nervous to see how it goes! Nothing against other careers, but I'm a sucker for the stereotypical smart job and paired up with the friends to lovers trope, I made this! I hope it's good for my first piece for him! Also, I'm aware that Leo hasn't been in the paddock for what I can assume obvious safety reasons, but I thought of this and didn't want to leave it behind 🫣

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Cw: mentions a previous injury

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog @hiireadstuff @c-losur3

"Is this your list, babe?", Logan said as he opened the document on his iPad after you sent it to him, reading a checklist of all the things you needed to pack last minute after he said he wanted to help you.

"Yes - actually, can you help me with it, please?", you asked as you packed your usual medication, "I already have my meds in the little bag and my chargers too - you can check those off".

"Okay, done", he offered as he crossed them with the pen, "next, we have documents - passport, I'm the one with the tickets and they're in my phone as well, and Travel insurance? Since when do you do Travel insurance?", Logan wondered as you packed the documents into your bag.

"Since I'm going to motherland of paid healthcare - I don't usually get sick, but you never know! Just to my luck I could feel some pain and before I know it, I'll be knee deep into debt that no amount of working could help with! I'm just about keeping university fees covered, I can't have anymore on me", you offered as you looked at the camera. Even though the timezone was different, Logan still FaceTimed you, tucked in his bed while he saw the sunshine through the window behind you

"If it comes to that, which I hope it won't because I like you all in one piece, I would cover i-", Logan added as you shook your head.

"Let's all hope that I go and come back with pristine health and that this was just me being my forewarned self", you smiled and crossed your fingers, "what's next?", you wondered as you walked around your bedroom, looking for anything that could stand out.

You met Logan, out of all places, in the pool you had been swimming in your whole life. You never wanted to compete - for you, swimming was a way to forget about the day for a couple of hours and to ensure you were active. A couple of years ago, this boy walked inside, leaving his flip-flops on the side next to yours and he seemed to be doing some conditioning work.

Later, you found out he had picked up a muscle injury and he was there with his physiotherapist at the same time you went everyday, and by the time his treatment was over, you became good friends and it bloomed from there.

A party before his first season in Formula One was the last straw when he wasn't the only guy there who noticed how beautiful you looked. It seemed that all of the single drivers had their eyes on you, both from the novelty of your presence in the function and from the confidence you exuded. His protective side came forward, and as he was driving you back home, he didn't let you leave his place until he confessed his feelings. As it turned out, you felt the same.

"And last, but not least, lip balm", your boyfriend said in a overly exaggerated accent.

"And for that, you don't get to use this anymore!", you put the small tube on the small bag, zipping it and finding a place for it before you stuck your tongue out at him.

"That's alright - I'll just kiss you after you put it on", he smirked.

"Like that is any different from what you do now", you grumbled, closing your backpack and patting it, "I'm all ready!", you smiled.

Even though the original plan was for Logan to fly to England and then fly with you to his home country, your university practical assignments had been changed to that week and there was no way you could swap, let alone miss them. You didn't want your boyfriend to spend less time with his family because of you, so you ended up deciding that you would fly over on your own and meet him there as soon as you could.

"I miss you, I can't wait to kiss your beautiful face", he smiled.

"I miss you too, but soon enough handsome!", you said as you looked at your watch, "the train leaves later today, but I heard there was a lot of traffic so I think I'm going now", you muttered, not wanting to end the call yet but having to do it for practical reasons. Besides, Logan needed to sleep and you were sure if you didn't end the call, he would pull an all nighter.

"Don't be late, gorgeous girl - I'll dream about meeting you when you get here", Logan charmed.

"See you later, Logie! Have a good sleep!", you beamed, "don't forget to put your phone on silent because I'll text you the flight updates! I love you!".

"I will! I love you too - have a safe flight!", he smiled before his face disappeared on your screen.

Making sure everything that needed to be off was turned off and on its right place, you closed and locked the door behind you before starting your journey.

Once you had done the security checks at the airport and found your gate, the nerves on your tummy settled in. It wasn't the first time you had to fly on your own and you knew well enough where they stemmed from. You had briefly met Logan's parents a couple of times before since they travelled for some of the races, but spending time with them in their family home carried a different weight to it.

Luckily, there weren't many setbacks and the flight actually landed a couple of minutes before schedule, making you text Logan that you had already landed so he could sort the situation out.

Spotting him wasn't too hard once you saw your name on a lavender coloured cardboard and your boyfriend holding it.

"I missed you loads", he whispered on your ear, kissing under it and hugging you tight.

"I missed you too", you answered back, letting him squeeze you one last time before grabbing the cardboard, "You did this for me?", you beamed.

"Yes, one of my cousins was over yesterday and she gave me the idea to put the glitter on there", he nodded to the glittery letters.

"Yes, I definitely noticed that wasn't you", you giggled, pushing your suitcase along and to the parking lot.

"Mom wanted to come and get you, but she put in her head that the house had to be spotless, so she stayed back, and I think my dad went out to get an order my mum made for a bread she remembered you liked and she wanted you to have it", he stated, unlocking the car and popping the trunk open.

"They're going what? I don't need any special treatment, Logan, - I don't want them to think I want princess treatment!", you argued, holding onto your things, "my Goodness, your parents think I'm a snob", you groaned.

"No, they don't! They just wanted to make sure you feel comfortable and at home!", Logan offered, trying to get your backpack.

"I could sleep on the floor and be happy about it!", you grumbled before you let him get the bag.

"If you really want that, that's fine, but my bed is quite good to be fair", he smirked before you swatted his chest, helping him with the suitcase next.

"Stop making jokes, I don't want your family to think-", Logan interrupted by placing his lips on yours.

"Stop talking nonsense, my parents are excited to have you here", he spoke.

It wasn't a lie. All of his family was excited and curious to finally meet the girl that captured Logan's heart. He knew they could be a handful, and he had certainly warned you considered you came from a small family giving that your parents were only children - it wasn't so much that he thought you wouldn't feel okay, but it would definitely be a little more crowded that you were used to.

On the other side, his family's opinion mattered to him and he was nervous of what they could say. Not because of you and the person you were - he was sure you were going to be just fine, but it wouldn't be the first time that his family's opinion swayed someone the other way. His parents had met your briefly before and now you were being introduced to everyone else. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and everyone else that wanted to tag along and nitpick at you. Everyone's eyes would be on you, and so would their opinions.

"I'm choosing to believe you", you smiled, getting inside the car and watching Logan do the same.

"Did you have a good flight?", he asked as he reversed out of the space, "a lady behind me was saying that her daughter had a turbulent flight".

"It was fine, but I don't really know - I slept on the last couple of hours. Didn't think I had it in me", you tsked, "but the seat was quite comfy and there wasn't anyone in the middle seat, so me and the guy that was on the row sort of took over it and had a silent agreement to share it".

The drive to his parents' house was quick, Logan pointing to all of the spots that carried memories and special moments.

"That's my mom and my dad is also arriving behind us", he looked at his rear view mirror to check if his father had space to park.

"Hello! Welcome welcome, Y/N!", Daniel smiled and greeted you with a hug as soon as you stepped out of the car.

"Hi! Thank you for taking me in for these couple of days", you giggled.

"Nonsense! We're glad you could join us after all - did you do well in your examinations?".

"Dad!", Logan warned slightly, not wanting you to feel ambushed about it.

"They went well, yes! There's only one mark left and it should come out one of these days", you smiled, walking up to greet Logan's mother at the door.

"Hey sweetie! How have you been?", Madelyn asked, pulling you in for a tight hug.

"Hello! I've been good, and you? I hope it wasn't too much trouble having me here", you told her.

"Oh, no, don't worry! You're Logan's girlfriend, you could never be too much trouble", she offered, letting you in, "How was your flight?".

"It was good", you added, "there wasn't too much trouble with customs either, but it was quite tiring for me, I've never done such a long flight", you chuckled.

"When we got back to Silverstone, I had to take three days to recover from it! And I felt so dirty that I had to shower once we got home", she giggled.

"I might actually do that, if you don't mind - my whole body just feels icky", you admitted, knowing you had just arrived and while it maybe wasn't the way to go, it was something you wanted to do.

"Of course, of course! Logan will help you - I left the towels on your bed", she patted her son's back before he headed up the stairs as you trailed behind after excusing yourself.

You headed straight for the shower after getting your toiletry bag from the suitcase, kissing Logan's lips quickly before. When you exited the ensuite bathroom, Logan was doing his hair in the mirror.

"Don't you look handsome?", you whispered, kissing his cheek, "I must say, I'm a big fan of this longer hair", you mused.

"Thank you, love", he smiled, "are you feeling good enough to go out or do you want to stay at home?", he asked.

"I'm good - that shower really helped", you offered, "let me just get ready and then we can go - are your parents joining us?", you wondered.

"I'll have to ask, but I'm assuming they are - they made reservations for us for lunch too", he let you know.

"Okay, I'll just change quickly and sort my hair out", you kissed his cheek before looking for an outfit on your suitcase.

As soon as you were ready, you headed back downstairs so you could leave the house, Logan's mother insisting that you rode in the passenger seat next to your boyfriend, "it's not everyday we get to be driven around town", she snickered.

They pointed out at different houses of family members you would soon meet along with some friends and spots like their workplaces and favourite shops.

After lunch, Logan drove to his uncle's house, telling you about the little girl who inspired the welcoming cardboard he picked you up from the airport with, "she loves animals too, so be prepared to be ambushed with questions and a show of her stuffed toys", your boyfriend chuckled.

"It's true, Y/N! She has built her own collection and it's quite impressive!", Madelyn added.

The house was similar to Logan's parents', your boyfriend parking the car safely before you got out.

"Welcome Y/N!", an older woman said, "we've been waiting to meet you!", she smiled.

"That's my aunt, my uncle and that's my great aunt - she's my grandmother's sister", Logan said before you greeted them warmly, hearing quick footsteps on the corridor, "and that should be Millie".

A little girl no older than three years old ran up to Logan, hugging his legs and hiding behind them, "why don't you say hello to Y/N, honey?", her mother encouraged her.

Slowly, she peeled herself from the driver's legs, taking a look at you.

You crouched down so you would be in the same level, "hi Millie", you tried.

"How do you know my name?", she asked.

"Logan told me all about you - I loved the glitter you used for my name of the sign he took to get me from the plane", you smiled.

"I have more, do you want to see them, Y/N?", she beamed, stretching out her arm for you to take her hand.

"Go go, Y/N! I'll get some snacks out for us and then you can come down if you want something - we want to have a chat to get to know the girl our nephew's speaks so fondly of!", Logan's uncle winked before Millie pulled you.

Her room was decorated in a jungle theme, animal decals decorating the walls, "do you want to draw with me? Momma got me these with glue so it doesn't get messy", she explained before pulling a chair for herself, "Oh, I don't have one for you, I'm sorry".

"That's alright, love - I'll just sit on the floor", you smiled, kneeling down and getting comfortable.

Millie was an only child and from what Logan told you, there weren't many girls in the family, so she was taking full advantage of having some girly time with you.

"Millie! Poor Y/N has been here for nearly two hours!", Madelyn called for you from the door.

"It hasn't been that long, has it?", you wondered, feeling guilty to have spent that long away from them, "I didn't even notice!".

"Don't worry, honey! It's all good, we were just wondering if you two wanted to eat something", she procured.

"We'll go in a bit, auntie Madelyn! Y/N's nails are not dry yet!", Millie stated, "and I need to ask her a couple more questions about giraffes - did you know they're Y/N's favourite animal? She knows a lot about them!".

"Okay, then! Your momma has some sandwiches for you and little cakes for when you want to come down and join us - no pressure, Y/N, but she might keep you here forever now that she knows you like animals too", your boyfriend's mother squeezed your shoulder.

"Is everything alright?", Logan asked as he watched his mother get back to the living room on her own.

"Millie is holding Y/N hostage, but I think they'll be down here soon!", Madelyn offered, "I think she's in love with her".

"Looks like you've got some competition, man", Daniel told his son.

"She looked to be having a good time - she's such a sweet girl", his aunt said.

"She helps babysitting some kids, and there are not a lot of little ones in her family, and I'm sure Millie has picked her brain about her studies", Logan offered, "she's studying to be a vet".

"She's very lovely", Madelyn said spontaneously, "You would be a fool if you let her slip through your fingers. She's smart, caring, loving - I can tell from the way you look at her", she offered.

She had always been honest with him and she was known for not leaving words unsaid, but to do so in such a spontaneous and open way was surprising to Logan.

"And Millie loves her, and you know how much she hates new people - she has her seal of approval", she smiled before everyone heard giggles approaching.

"We were so entertained and having so much fun that I didn't even notice the time passing by", you apoligised as you sat down next to Logan on the sofa, Millie sitting by the coffee table and munching on the snacks.

"You have some glitter here, babe", Logan pointed out, shaking some of the yellow flakes from your eyebrow.

"I'm a bright star, of course I have it", you joked, giving him a big smile before Millie pulled on your pants' leg.

"Y/N, these are my favourite - momma and I baked them!", she offered you a small biscuit, "these bits here that look like giraffe spots are cinnamon!", the little girl smiled.

"Thank you, Millie", you accepted, taking a bit out of them and humming, "they're very very good!".

"Logan, did Y/N also teach you how to tell apart the different giraffe species?", Millie asked her cousin, choosing to sit on his thighs.

"I think she has, yes - the star shaped ones are the giraffa giraffa, right? And there's the one with 'camel' in the name because of a hump on the neck", Logan offered.

"That's right, Logan!", the little girl cheered as she drank some of the juice her mother offered in her cup.

Conversation flowed between you, his family members asking you questions about you so they could get to know you without delving into matters that you deemed too personal, which you were grateful for, and overall it was just a nice chat.

"Logan used to go around with this cap he had signed by some of the drivers - you must have been what? 10 maybe? I still remember the fight I had with him because he wanted to shower with it", his aunt laughed after clapping her hands once, "he was so adamant that the ink wouldn't budge that I had to show him that it would vanish and then he let me take it away from him".

You were loving all the childhood stories, holding Logan's hand and laughing with them, kissing his cheek once the rest of the group got up to help his aunt in the kitchen once they suggested that you stay over for dinner.

"I was a dorky kid, what can I say?", your boyfriend smiled as blush erupted on his cheeks.

"Shut up, your stories are the cutest!", you giggled, "way better than my 'I wanted to prove I was as tall as my older cousins so I fell in the pool' and 'I cut my own hair because my mum was busy with work and I thought I was helping her' stories", you argued.

"Depends on how you look at them, really", he smiled, stealing a kiss from your lips before Millie came back.

"Y/N, are you staying here with auntie Madelyn and uncle Daniel after Logan leaves?", she asked.

"Do you want me to leave, Millie?", Logan asked, feigning offense with his hand on his chest.

"No, silly - but I know you travel for work, so maybe Y/N could stay here!", she explained.

"I can't, Millie, I have school back home", you offered, noticing her shoulders fall.

"I like having you here, I like you", she muttered.

"I like you too a lot, Millie - how about we play as much as we can while I'm here, hm? You can pick my brain about anything you want, not just giraffes! Do you like tigers? Or cows?", you suggested, diverting the attention to something else.

"Tigers and cows? That's a weird combination", Logan quirked an eyebrow, "my practical exam was about cows and I was studying tigers before I left", you shrugged your shoulders.

.

"You guys can stay here whilst I do the debrief", Logan guided you inside the hospitality, letting you know where everything was in case you needed it.

You, Daniel and Madelyn engaged in conversation, hearing a couple of more stories from Logan's childhood and a few of your own stories from back home.

"It's my mum, sorry, if you'll excuse me", you said before heading outside since the signal was better there.

Once you finished your call to update your parents on how things were going there and here, you felt fabric run over your sandals, looking down to see a small dachshund puppy.

"Hey there, little one", you bent down to pet him, "you look like you're lost, hm? Who do you belong to?", you mused, rubbing his belly once he flopped down.

Behind you, you could hear Alex's and Logan's voice approaching and then you spotted Lily too.

"Hey, Y/N!", she waved, "Since when do you and Logan have a puppy? It's so cute!", she beamed.

"Hi! We don't, I just found him, or he found me I guess", you mumbled.

"This looks like Charles' dog, doesn't he?", she mused again.

"Have you two seen a small dachshund- Oh! Tell Charles he's here!", Logan said as he spotted the dog on your lap while Alex began calling the monégasque driver.

"He's here, Charles!", your boyfriend called once he spotted the Ferrari driver, "Animals just find their way to her, I guess", he joked as he watched you play with the dachshund puppy.

"Look at your puppy teeth - do you know what this one is called? I know, Leo! I go to university so I can treat little ones like you, but also the big ones! Have you met big dogs too?", you mused, all too happy with the puppy who seemed to be happy at the attention he was getting.

Charles approached you as you got up, carrying the puppy and giving him to him, "Oh no, Leo - did you run away from your parents?", you asked the dog, "now, that's not something nice to do, is it? They were probably worried about you, little guy!", you said before letting him go back to Charles.

"Thank you! He seems to have liked you", he pointed out, holding Leo in his arms.

"He just came in here and started playing with my shoelaces", you smiled.

"Leo does that a lot - last week, he found my sandals and he was a puppy on a mission running away from me with them!", Alexandra chuckled.

By the time the sprint race was happening, you sat in the garage and watched the whole race, waiting to see about the penalties they were handing out, seeing Logan ended up with P10.

"That was a good run, though, wasn't it?", you asked your boyfriend once he was able to be with you, "some learning curves for tomorrow at least".

"The balance was a bit off, but we'll look into it", he stated, kissing your forehead before also greeting his parents.

"I'm going to the bathroom", you excused yourself.

After discussing the sprint, his parents took the opportunity that you weren't there to talk to Logan about you.

"She loves you a lot, I can tell - I just hope we haven't been too much for her, this whole things is too much as it is", she gestured to the whole paddock and figuratively to the life her son led.

"The whole media attention definitely isn't her favourite thing, but she's been doing well, we speak about it every now and again to check and make sure we're both well with all of it. She's very private and her friends and family also help a lot with arranging stuff and being careful with those sorts of things", Logan offered.

"She's an incredible young woman, and you two are great together", Daniel complemented his wife's opinion.

All doubts of whether it had been right or not to bring you home for a few days washed away as Logan heard his parents talk about you like you were one of their own, welcoming you into their family so seamlessly and listing and pointing out all of the things that attracted Logan to you in the first place. You fit right in with his family and Logan couldn't be prouder of that.

[spinji]

Hi just here to say you’re so real about Billdip, was gonna actually reply in the notes but I don’t wanna be harassed Yknow?

Anyway I love how everyone ignores the fact that like 90% of Billdip shippers don’t make Dipper an actual child and anyone that does will make it very clear (ex: AO3 tags usually something along the lines of ‘author regrets everything’, ‘why did I write this?’, ‘I’m going to hell’, etc.)

Also no one seems to want to confront the fact that rules kinda have to change when immortality is involved. Any ship involving an immortal character and a mortal I feel automatically makes a romantic relationship, disingenuous??

I’ll cut this off before I get too deep into how I feel about immortal/mortal characters have a nice day byyyyeee

'preciate you anon. I'll go into the crosshairs on your behalf ♡

Anyway-

Billdips and Billfords need to reconcile the fact that they are functionally the same damn ship. You can have a preference (I love them both) but acting like one is a high brow exploration of abuse and the other is comparable to real CSEM has even less self awareness than this kind of argument usually does.

My dash has plenty of mindlessly fluffy and smutty billford art that does nothing to protray their relationship as bad. There's also plenty of billdip content that leans into how horrific their relationship is and doesn't paint it as desirable. Because, you know, fan content covers a wide spectrum even on the same subject.

You don't have to like all of it, or even most of it, but playing up the dramatics that billdip is the most disgusting concept you've ever witnessed? Buddy, your ship is five feet to the left. You cannot have so little self awareness that you think fiction affects reality but then actively consume amd enjoy a physically and psychologically abusive relationship. I am telling you to look at your beliefs and challenge them. If what you see is different than what you've believed, you need to be open to exploring why.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I wanted to ask if you feel lately like you've been getting anything positive out of your therapy, because a lot of your initial thoughts about it kind of mirror mine. I'm very logical (except when I'm upset at myself) and very skeptical, so I feel like a therapist either isn't going to tell me anything new, or that I'm going to just disregard it because I can't trick myself into believing things that I just plain don't believe.

But I'm also starting to come to a realization, two years after my ADHD diagnosis and letting go (without therapy!) of most of the executive dysfunction-fueled self worth issues I was having, that I'm kind of Not Okay in other ways. I'm safe —going to work every day and doing my job so I won't lose my livelihood and have never had a self harm urge in my life— But I'm not really okay. I'm having major self esteem issues related to my personality separate from the executive dysfunction that are putting me in a bad place. I don't want to take antidepressants for reasons I won't go into but that means my other option is therapy and... I don't know if I'm a person that therapy will actually work on. I found a lot of validation in some of your perspectives, about affirmations being bullshit and "mindfulness" exercises feeling impossible and useless, about not having an inner monologue and how that might be causing issues with traditional methods. So I was just wondering, do you feel like therapy is working now that you've been in it longer?

I've wasted a lot of money on "elective" (and ultimately useless, back to square one) medical nonsense this year and I'm not eager to waste more, but I've also met my insurance deductible so it's the best time to try it if I'm going to.

I mean, it depends on the modality a little but I don't think trying basic talk therapy can hurt, as long as you find a decent therapist. And it's better to try it now when you're feeling Mostly Okay than waiting until you are Really Not Okay. But this entire paragraph comes with a lot of context so....

A lot of what I talked about in terms of struggling with mindfulness, etc. was less related to the therapy I am still in than it was to the DBT class I took at Therapist's suggestion. We were both aware that she was basically throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck, and while it was an interesting class I don't think for me it was helpful. As you mention, I struggled with affirmations and visualization since neurologically I'm not really set up for those; I don't think they're objectively bullshit but I do think there's an assumption within the mental health industry that they will have function for everyone and that's simply untrue, and the expectation that it will is very damaging. I also struggled with the physical-intervention aspects (called TIPP usually) which didn't work at all for me and felt frankly like doctor-approved self harm. DBT can get very culty, which set off a ton of red flags for me -- possibly false flags, but they still waved real big.

And that's because I also have a lot of trust issues surrounding therapy. To the point where, the minute one of the people running the DBT class made actually quite gentle fun of me for asking a question he couldn't answer, I checked out on anything he said. We were learning about a DBT concept called Wise Mind and I asked, "If wise mind is an identifiable mental state, how do we know if we're in it?" and when he couldn't quite answer beyond "It's different for everyone" I said, "But if we know it's real there must be some kind of common denominator, a measurable data point," and he said "Well, Sam, you're not going to levitate" and the rest of the class laughed. Sorry bud, this is almost certainly an over-reaction, but I'm me and you lost me when you came at me instead of just admitting you didn't know. (Also it turns out I just live in Wise Mind like 80% of the time which is one reason I couldn't tell.)

But basic talk therapy outside of DBT is just...you talk at someone about your problems and come up with ways to try and solve them, which is a lot more straightforward and way less frustrating. You have to be an active participant, you have to both have a goal and be willing to discuss reaching it, but that goal can be as simple as just "figure out what my mental health goals should be" at first. You don't have to learn like, vocabulary for it.

The thing is, while I have seen some improvement in regulation issues, I also struggle with basic talk therapy. Most people, and this blew my mind, see measurable improvement in nine to eighteen therapy sessions. A lot of people don't go long-term, they just are having a moment and get help getting through the moment and then can disengage, with their therapist's approval.

I was in therapy consistently from the age of nine to eighteen and only stopped because I reached legal majority and physically refused to go.

Not one minute of those nine years did I want to be there. And, because none of the three therapists I saw across those years actually explained to me why I was there or how therapy worked, for me it felt like "Your punishment for having feelings is to speedrun every feeling you had this week in an hour, to a stranger." There was also what my current therapist believes to be some extremely unethical behavior going on, which didn't help.

So it has taken actually a lot of time to get to a place where I would even allow her to understand what help I need. I've been in therapy for about a year (generally weekly but there have been some gaps) and it has only recently gotten deeper than very basic interpersonal problem-solving.

Like, two weeks ago I told her, "I had a thought this week that I couldn't tell you about something I was doing because then you'd have material on me" (meaning blackmail material) "and that's a fucked-up thing to think." And once I'd actually identified it as fucked up I had zero issue telling her about it, wasn't even nervous as I did so. Who's she going to tell? She's literally legally constrained from telling.

I think well over half of what she does is either validate that whatever emotion I'm having is normal, affirm my reactions so I don't keep believing I behaved weirdly, or praise something I've done that was a positive act. Does this work? Not always, because I'm unfortunately very aware that it's part of her job to do those things. But yeah, sometimes. Even if you don't fully believe it, "Hey that was a really smart move" is nice to hear. Sometimes she helps me come up with a plan for stressful future events or (rarely) behavior modification, and sometimes she either provides me with research or points me towards research I can do on my own. We don't do meditation or affirmations or stuff like that.

Like, last week I brought up the fact that I hadn't really ever thought about how if I have a disability that causes emotional dysregulation and I got it from my parents, they also likely had undiagnosed emotional dysregulation when raising me. So she said I should look into research on children with emotionally dysregulated parents. I was pretty annoyed by what I found (the ONE TIME adults are the focus instead of the kids is the ONE TIME I needed to learn about the kids, really?) but it led to something that was both informative and upsetting, so we discussed that. And when I was stumped about how to move forward with the information, she suggested that my general coping mechanism of writing about it was probably a good plan.

(At which point I just silently advanced my powerpoint presentation to the next slide, where I had a series of quotes from the Shivadh novels where Michaelis, acting as a parent, repeatedly does the exact opposite of the upsetting thing, because I realized even before the meeting that it's an ongoing theme in my work whenever I deal with people being parents. It's a good thing she has a sense of humor and also that I do.)

So yeah. Going into therapy you have to be ready to reject a therapist if you don't like them or if they get weird and pushy, you have to be ready to be a self-advocate, but you are the client; it shouldn't be super difficult to find someone who can at least walk you through what you want from it and agree not to do the stuff you don't want, and if you want to stop going you just...stop going.

Good luck, in any case! I hope you get what you need, whether or not that ends up being therapy.

[solverse]

okay, we all know about SAGAU and its different hundred of aus (not complaining tho, some are chef kiss out there) but like I've been interested in Honkai Star Rail self-aware AU– like i know it's been out for a while but the SAGAU concept is even better when it comes to HSR because of it sheer size and potential.

(not saying Genshin SAGAU aren't good tho.)

It just that I've been having this brainrot and I just need to get it out.

Imagine in SAHSR (yk, self-aware honkai star rail), we got an OC (or reader, if you're more comfortable with that– i refuse to use Y/N, just no) that is an Aeon.

Nothing shocking but lets turn that up a bit by making the OC (or Reader) the oldest yet an unknown Aeon since they went into hiding, but still kept watch of the galaxies. People know little to nothing about OC other than their loyal followers– like, even some of the newer Aeons know nothing about us (or Reader).

My brain rot came up with the Aeon of Mortality. Kinda like an emphasization that we (the Aeon) was here before most of the living being in the galaxies (hence the 'creator' thingy).

Or Aeon of Origin would be a good one too since theres Terminus, the Aeon of Finality.

(kinda like a direct reference to Kiana and Mei, hehe.) But im leaning more towards Aeon of Mortality.

Heck, yk how the Imaginary element embodies the light of lives? yeh, spin that point to how when OC(or Reader), the Aeon of Mortality came into existence, which created the Imaginary element. hell, maybe even drag the Quantum element in too bcs mortality also embodies the aspect of death.

some of the faction/group names i came up with are [Freedom-willed Sworn], [Home of the Epheremeal] and [Anti-Entropy].

not gonna explain the meaning of all of that, but they all gotta do with mortality, freedom, freewill, the will to choose and live, etc.

now thats out of the way, lets get to the fun part!

OC (or Reader) is the Aeon that watches over the Trailblazers (like, us players) and latches onto the Astral Express because they used to be besties with Akilivi ( D: ). Stelle/Caelus have no idea how they got a whole Aeon to get attached to them but they aren't complaining!

(we are also the one enabling the two's trash-loving behavior lmao)

the Astral Express also has no idea why an Aeon, the oldest one (and one they know nothing about) decided to ride along with them. Himeko got used to our presence as we appeared when she repaired the train.

March is confused but happy, Dan Heng is cautious but tolerant and Welt is skeptical but lenient. But slowly, they get used to our presence and might even start liking our help and support!

Asta and Arlan are surprised to know that the oldest Aeon known is constantly watching over them. They've never met an Aeon that interact so close! Herta might have a whole aneurysm wanting to learn anything about us.

Screwllum and Ruan Mei would try to stop her but even they could not hide their curiosity about the oldest Aeon.

The Stellaron Hunters are surprised by our appearance as it was not written or foretold in Elio's script. Kafka is amused by the outcome, also a bit delighted to know that the Aeon (or Reader) was watching over them.

Going to Jarilo-IV! Surprise, surprise! Theres someone in Belobog who is a [Freedom-willed Sworn]! who is it? it can be whoever you might think it is!

The Jarilo-IV gang would be shocked to know that an Aeon was traveling alongside the Astral Express and was currently watching over them.

Some of them would be shy and awkward for knowing that, especially Bronya and Gepard. Some would be apprehensive, like Seele and Svarog. And some would be delighted! Aka, Sampo, Serval and Luka! Even Clara and Hook are happy to have us here.

Next station, the Xianzhou Luofu! right from the start, every kind of words gets out when they find out that the Aeon of Mortality is with the Astral Express. Xianzhou Luofu are skeptical of us, since they do not know of our standing, especially when it comes to the Plague Author (Yaoshi.)

not to mention OC/Reader is the Aeon of Mortality and little is known about us so they might think that our path is aligned with Yaoshi. (which doesnt, honestly.)

Jing Yuan would be suspicious of us but he would hide it well, Fu Xuan would be discontent since the future she saw did not include us, Yanqing have his own opinion but he'd follow Jing Yuan's belief, Sushang would be fascinated and Luocha would be surprised at our reveal.

Tingyun (or Phantylia) would be intrigued at our sudden appearance, Yukong is the same as Jing Yuan (just that she doesn't hide it) and Qingque wouldn't really care.

but once the Xianzhou Luofu quest is over and the gang understands that OC/Reader is not aligned with Yaoshi, they start warming up to us! while Xianzhou Luofu is devoted to Lan the Hunt in their pursue to eradicate Yaoshi, they wouldn't oppose the help of the oldest Aeon!

also, our relationship with some of the Aeons? Aeon OC/Reader constantly gives Qlipoth headaches and they would get worried about us since we do all kinds of shits ehehe.

Aeon OC/Reader constantly annoys Lan (affectionately) and Nanook whenever they get the chance.

OC/Reader are besties with Xipe (goes on a date all the time) and IX (bcs its hilarious). Likes to go sightseeing with Fuli and constantly argue with Aha lmao.

p.s. im hesitant to include the notion of 'Reader' as im not used to using that title but i think most people are more comfortable with that. i, however, will not use Y/N.

–

[lazycats-stuff]

Can I ask for a follow up on Australian bat!bro reader where he gets annoyed bc they won’t let him drink alcohol or smth? Here in Australia there is alot of underage drinking. (I mean I got high and tipsy at my 17th birthday party with parental permission💀)

Just thinking about the culture shock most of them would get 😭

Lol, it's the same thing here where I live. Alcohol flows around here. Despite being an adult, I don't drink at all. I just hate alcohol. Also, I know this is short, but it's fine...

Summary: (Y/N) wants to drink. The fam is not allowing it.

Warnings: Underage drinking,

Australia and America couldn't be anymore different when it came to drinking. In America, a simple of drop for a person under 21 is disappointing to parents. Siblings would probably be happy and proud and would look for each.

In Australia, you just need parent's permission. Oh how nice that was back then. (Y/N) remembered how he got tipsy on one of his birthdays at the time. It was lit and (Y/N) loved it. Of course, he wouldn't drink as if he is an alcoholic.

He would only drink in company of others and that would be a glass tops. Not even a second one. He can't get embarrassed in public now. But there was a slight problem now too.

His family is the biggest problem. Well, some of them are, not all of them are the problem.

Jason is amazing when it came to drinking. The two would sometimes drink together and it was so fun. (Y/N) didn't like to drink something like a shot. He would like to savor the flavor of the drink, whether or not it was some wine or scotch.

Or even some votka.

You don't just drink it, you savor it. And that's what he does every time he drinks with Jason. Sometimes there are times when they just drink in silence, enjoying the company. That usually meant that sharing a bottle something between them two.

Sometimes it was just quiet chatter in between them. It was funny and Jason was the supplier for them both. In return, he got 5 bucks from (Y/N) for his efforts.

It's not easy to hide anything in this household. Everyone was trained to observe and it was just... Sometimes it gets to you and you try hard to hide things.

Damian is the one who doesn't care, but would advise (Y/N) not to drink it. Damian is only thinking about his self awareness and his cognitive thinking in some situations.

Damian is just like Bruce, can't drink for the life of him. Not that he wants to anyway. It's not good for your awareness and Damian always had to be vigilant and observant.

And besides, Damian likes (Y/N) and he just wants to make sure that he is okay. He also likes (Y/N)'s accent a lot. And considering that (Y/N) is not a vigilante and despite the training, (Y/N) is a cinnamon roll according to Damian.

Dick was the one who was against it completely. He didn't like it, he hated it and he wanted (Y/N) to stop drinking. He remembers nearly having a heart attack when he saw (Y/N) drinking for the first time, ever so nonchalantly.

He never ran so fast to get the glass out of (Y/N)'s hands. He was so confused at (Y/N)'s blank look and a simple what. It seems that the concept of drinking below the age of 21 is a foreign thing, something unheard of.

And that's when he got vigilant with (Y/N). It made (Y/N) sigh every time he saw Dick lurking somewhere, watching him. It made his insane and that's how he got better with hiding alcohol.

(Y/N) thought that drinking below 21 in America is like being an alcoholic.

Tim didn't have a say in anything in regards to this matter at all. He was addicted to coffee and he is the one who needs to kind of let go of it. So much caffeine is not healthy at all.

An occasional drink is fine. So much cups of coffee are not.

The two just shrugged towards one another in passing, (Y/N) with some alcohol and Tim with his coffee. They didn't even say anything to each other at this point. Just a nod or a shrug of their shoulders.

That was more than enough.

Now Bruce... Well, he knew that Australia has different laws and that drinking there is something that's more lenient. In America, unless you turn 21 you are, in (Y/N)'s mind, you are really missing in life.

The first time Bruce saw (Y/N) drink he paled and tried to get it away from him, but then asked him about the customs regarding the drinking in Australia.

(Y/N) explained it to him and Bruce advised him not to drink. Well, Bruce started hiding the alcohol in the house. Nobody really drank so it wasn't a difficult thing to hide. However, he knew that Jason is a supplier.

So he had to keep an eye out.

And Alfred? Oh boy, that man hates when (Y/N) drinks. He doesn't care about traditions in Australia. He spent some time in Australia and while he loved the Aussies and the way they drank, he didn't like it when his grandson did.

(Y/N) knew that he had to evade (Y/N) with everything in him. Jason hid the alcohol in his room, knowing that Alfred rarely goes into his room and (Y/N) and Jason agreed to it.

The last time when (Y/N) got caught by Alfred, a shoe went flying past his head. There was yelling and Alfred threatened with something bigger. (Y/N) managed to duck just in time to get in his room where Jason was waiting.

[raptorish]

On Sapience, Longing, and the Lack Thereof

Written by Max on August 12th, 2024.

So I was at Othercon 2024 this past weekend - and like many who attended, I came out the other side with a new piece of my identity to chew over. This essay is me chewing over my thoughts on archaeosapience, as it connects to my velociraptor paleotheriotype, and why I genuinely don’t feel like I fit the label.

One of the panels I attended and thoroughly enjoyed was “Not Humans, Still People: How Inhumanity Interacts with Personhood,” by Goratrix bani Tremere of the Draconic Wizard Workshop and Chaiya Askari-Vykos of the Treehouse System. During the panel, Goratrix and Chaiya argue that personhood is different from humanity, defining personhood as, essentially, sapience - the ability to understand oneself, to make rational choices, to comprehend the world in not only physical ways, but also the abstract and symbolic. All humans are people, but not all people are humans - nonhuman personhood is experienced by many, many alterhumans, and this is an important distinction to keep in mind.

Another panel I adored, presented by Sivaan of Candlekeep, was “Archaeosapience: To Awaken as Ancient in a Modern Age,” in which he discusses the label and the intricacies of his own experience as an archaeosapien. Once again, nonhuman sapience is a key feature here - as Sivaan writes in xyr coining essay, “[t]he “sapience” in archaeosapience exclusively refers to our awareness of our existence as ancient beings,” as opposed to an inherent connection with the species Homo sapiens. Archaeosapience does not require one to be human.

An archaeosapien is defined as “an individual whose alterhuman or nonhuman identity is intrinsically rooted in prehistory, antiquity or mythic accounts of history.” And funnily enough, here lies my personal disconnect with the term, even though I identify as a velociraptor - a prehistoric animal well known to be extinct. To experience archaeosapience requires personhood, requires sapience, an understanding of oneself as an ancient being. And this is one thing that my theriotype utterly lacks.

Now, I’m not saying that I lack sapience. I am a person, one who reads and writes and learns about the world around me. I also identify as human, separate but intertwined with my personhood, and my humanity is as important to me as my animality. Both of these core parts of myself contribute to where I stand today - as a prehistoric animal person who is, somehow, completely at home in modernity.

Throughout this essay, I’m going to refer to my raptor self in the third person - it thinks this, it wants that. I separate myself from my theriotype in this way because I do not feel like I’m myself in a mental shift. My raptorial mind is not a person, but an animal. It is incapable of understanding abstract concepts or philosophical thought, living in the physical world where it gets food, water, rest, shelter, and enrichment. This does not make it any lesser than my sapient mind - it does mean that it has a different way of understanding the world.

My raptor brain, the instinctual animal side, does not feel like it’s an animal from another era. It doesn’t even know what time is, beyond the regular cycles of day and night. It doesn’t understand common features of modern human society, like computers or elevators or money - not because those things didn’t exist back in prehistoric Asia, 75 million years ago, but because it’s an animal. I could be a gecko from the modern day and still feel the same mentally shifted apathy and confusion about the things I need to live day to day as a human being. The raptor doesn’t know or care about its status as a long-extinct relic, because as far as it’s concerned, it is alive and well, healthy and fed and comfortable in a house with people it knows.

In fact, my raptor brain doesn’t even feel attached to a habitat. Early on in my awakening, as someone who knows where velociraptors used to live in the spacetime continuum, I felt a sort of connection with deserts - I’d look at them and think, that’s like the place my species lived! This was the part of me who’s a person, putting a label to a place that I’ve never been, thinking fondly of it despite never having lived there.

The part of me that’s not a person, that knows nothing but pavement and grass and many-walled shelters keeping out the wind, looks at the desert and bristles with distaste. It doesn’t like the idea of being somewhere it doesn’t know, with sand and scorching sun and no food it knows how to catch. It knows its home territory, a place with cooling wooden floorboards and a comfortable nest of mattress and blankets and a cache of good food that never runs out, and it likes its territory. It doesn’t like the desert or understand the significance of it. It can’t comprehend the idea of wilderness enough to miss it. It doesn’t want to be wild and free, it wants to live in a building with air conditioning and clean freshwater from the sink.

As you can see, my raptor self is perfectly content to be a modern animal. How about my human self, the part of me that can think about my theriotype and know that it’s a prehistoric animal? Do I long for ancient deserts, grieve and yearn for a world I never experienced because I know it might have once been home?

Well… no. I don’t. For better or worse, my humanity feels inexorably linked to modernity, to cities, to technology. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without running into electronics. I use the internet every day of my life to learn, entertain, engage with the world around me. I couldn’t imagine living a life where I didn’t have it. There’s no disconnect from the modern day for me, no longing for the past - only the sense that I’m right where I want to be.

As a person, I’m content with where I am today. As an animal, a raptor can’t yearn for a time it has never lived.

[thatgirlwbraids]

you are limitless , you can manifest anything

when it comes to LOA you can have whatever you want literally WHATEVER you are completely limitless as everything literally EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE’s existence is because of you , you are the cause you are the creator of this world .

“If you can conceptualize it, it must exist. These are so minute in detail that we will never truly question the nature of our reality. It is best to view this reality almost like a frame by frame video. However, Consciousness does not have to be the watcher of this video, but can stop the frame and redirect the video to where Man sees fit. Since there are infinite Versions of yourself, being Specific on how you want to be is achievable. Take where you are now. Maybe you are 18 years old, maybe 48, it does not matter. Go back one year and realize that one year ago, the Version you are now, existed when you were 17 or 47 years old. Did you not have the freedom to be a different version? If so, do you not have that same freedom now? “ - edward art

Man can bring things into existence through his thoughts and consciousness .

Consciousness has the power to resurrect or bring things into existence . nothing exists without your consciousness or imagination

This truth is common to all men, but the consciousness of it – and much more, the self-consciousness of it – is another matter. The day I realized this great truth – that everything in my world is a manifestation of the mental activity which goes on within me, and that the conditions and circumstances of my life only reflect the state of consciousness with which I am fused – is the most momentous in my life.

you are always going to be greater than anything that is expressed in your reality be it good or bad because ofc ? like you created it and the creator is always greater than it’s creations .

“ The power conceiving and the thing conceived are one but the power to conceive is greater than the conception. Jesus discovered this glorious truth when he declared, "I and my Father are one but my Father is greater than I." The power conceiving itself to be man is greater than its conception. All conceptions are limitations of the conceiver. Consciousness precedes all manifestations and is the prop upon which all manifestation rests. To remove the manifestations all that is required of you, the conceiver, is to take your attention away from the conception. Instead of "Out of sight out of mind," it really is "Out of mind out of sight." The manifestation will remain in sight only as long as it takes the force with which the conceiver — I AM — originally endowed it to spend itself. This applies to all creation from the infinitesimally small electron to the infinitely great universe. Be still and know that I AM God. Yes, this very I AM, your awareness of being, is God, the only God. I AM is the Lord— the God of all Flesh— all manifestation. This presence, your unconditioned awareness, comprehends neither beginning nor ending; limitations exist only in the manifestation. When you realize that this awareness is your eternal self you will know that before Abraham was, I AM.“

“ Only through one door can that which you seek pass into the world of manifestation. I AM the door. Your consciousness is the door, so you must become conscious of being and having that which you desire to be and to have. Any attempt to realize your desires in ways other than through the door of consciousness makes you a thief and a robber unto yourself. Any expression that is not felt is unnatural. Before anything appears, God, I AM, feels itself to be the thing desired; and then the thing felt appears. It is resurrected, lifted out of the nothingness. “

“ I AM wealthy, poor, healthy, sick, free, confined were first of all impressions or conditions felt before they became visible expressions. Your world is your consciousness objectified. Waste no time trying to change the outside; change the within or the impression; and the without or expression will take care of itself. When the truth of this statement dawns upon you, you will know that you have found the lost word or the key to every door. I AM (your consciousness) is the magical lost word which was made flesh in the likeness of that which you are conscious of being “

bibical analogy :

“ Your unconditioned awareness or I AM is the Virgin Mary who knew not a man and yet, unaided by man, conceived and bore a son, Mary, the unconditioned consciousness, desired and then became conscious of being the conditioned state which she desired to express, and in a way unknown to others became it. Go and do likewise; assume the consciousness of that which you desire to be and you, too, will give birth to your savior. When the annunciation is made, when the urge or desire is upon you, believe it to be God's spoken word seeking embodiment through you. Go, tell no man of this holy thing that you have conceived. Lock your secret within you and magnify the Lord, magnify or believe your desire to be your savior coming to be with you. “

"A man can receive nothing (no thing) except it be given him from Heaven." Remember heaven is your consciousness; the Kingdom of Heaven is within you. This is why you are warned against calling any man Father; your consciousness is the Father of all that you are. Again you are told, "Salute no man on the highway." See no man as an authority. Why should you ask man for permission to express when you realize that your world, in its every detail, originated within you and is sustained by you as the only conceptional center? “

- neville , your faith is your fortune

[neptunes-sol-angel]

Messages from my Goddess to you 🌊🐚 Pick the picture(s) that you're drawn to the most, then scroll down for their corresponding message.

Paid Readings | Patreon | Tip Jar

Pile One 🌊

Shame is the lowest that you can feel in life because it represents the disparity that we have for ourselves. What keeps you stuck in shame, is the indecision of whether you feel worthy enough to rise above it to either improve yourself for the better or to finally open your eyes in the ways that you are already better and that you need to instill more trust into who you are. You could be feeling very exposed at the moment, like maybe you're talking too much, maybe you shouldn't have done that, and the only way to escape this rut, is if you crawl into hiding, or for just one day at least, you could change into a whole different person. Yemaya wants to let you know that your grip on control in how you are perceived, is what's ironically leading you to a fall. You've spent so long trying to weave your way from being vulnerable and disassociating from your emotions, that you can't recognize what's actually trying to be voiced to you. You're not spiraling, you're feeling. It feels like you're going crazy, because it is crazy to try to turn your emotions into something that they're not because of how you want to be perceived. The same way that you don't debate your happiness is the same respect that you should have for the feelings that you keep in the dark. You don't run away from the sadness, the dissatisfaction, the anxiety, the anger, the insecurity, or the jealousy because it doesn't change the fact that it's still there. It's going to be very uncomfortable, it's even going to bring us to our lowest that scares us the most, which is to be ashamed, but just like how shame can create the illusion that we're stuck in places that we're actually not, it's the gateway that poses the question, "now what do we do next?".  It's how we heal, and it's how we evolve.

Pile Two 🌊

What if I told you that one day, is all it takes for the wheel of fate to spin in your favor? That reliving that situation over and over in your head won't hurt as much anymore and is something that you will surpass? For some of you, it's closer than expected, for others, Yemaya wants to let you know that what feels impossible to bear is what you're capable of coming out on top of in the end. You're approaching a newer start in finding alignment in your life by taking the pieces of the past that left you puzzled to accumulate more wisdom that you can bring into not just your own situations but for the people that you come across and a boost in developing strength and trust in your intuition. Intellect doesn't just come primarily from books, there are certain experiences that must endure, to truly understand why and how we can approach our circumstances. In regards to your healing, you may feel like you aren't really healing at all, but the beauty in your journey is learning how much freedom plays a part in your progress. You gotta free yourself from being too harsh with how you think you should be or how far you think you're behind, because you're overlooking the many ways that you're actually right on time and the immense transformations that you have made and to rethink about what it means to heal. Healing comes in waves, and it's a never ending cycle, one of your biggest blockages is chasing after a concept that's derived from a man made perspective. What works for someone else, may not work for you, and vice versa. But this stage of awareness that you're entering, is the realization of just how intimately personal your journey is for you.

Pile Three 🌊

You're gracefully attaining more authority over your life and walking firmly away from the people and situations that made you feel powerless. You're blooming with self-love and strengthening your self-awareness with understanding what makes you thrive the best. When it comes to the traits or habits that hinder you, you're deciphering which of those that you can work on to break away from and the traits that you can make peace with to help advance in your life in a different way. You could relief, you could feel rewarded, but there are times where you could feel speechless or not quite whole despite the many accomplishments you're achieving. This could stem from a part of you that still mourns in regret over your actions in the past. Whether this is you, or someone else that is trying to bring you down to who you once you were, you must remember that as you're moving on to the next chapter of your life, you must extend gratitude and self-love to the versions of yourself in the past that weren't aware of what you know now. Despite the things that may have been embarrassing or disappointing that you may have done out of not realizing your worth, every phase that made you the person that you are now, is deserving of grace and to be seen as beautiful.

[amyintherapy]

Things I've Learned in 18 months of therapy

When people repeat the same patterns of behavior that are more negative than positive, it's usually trauma related. Examples: Your sister who has dated 15 different men who all are emotionally unavailable, short-fused guys who don't respect her. Or your aunt who has gotten into severe debt several times in her life, always buying items she doesn't need. Or your friend who has always befriended people who are not disabled but don't work and chronically need 'favors' so they end up allowing people to mooch off them to the point of it harming their own financial security. Basically anytime you find yourself frustrated and wondering 'why do they always DO that?" or "why don't they just do X instead? They always do Y which just makes things worse..." the answer likely is, they have trauma related to this issue, and/or their behavior is related to their trauma response that they are stuck in. Of course, this is true for you also! If you keep reacting to certain situations in a way you dislike, or going back to a coping method that you see as harmful and can't figure out why you can't stop...it's probably trauma related in some way.

Part of being traumatized involves your brain trying to hide the trauma from you..at least most of it, if not all of it. My therapist has used the example of a piece of paper that is standing upright. You might see the fine edge of the paper, so you sometimes know a piece of paper is in front of you, but you can only see the edge, so when that paper finally gets turned so that it's facing you and you can read everything written on it, it kinda knocks you over and you feel like you should have known all of that all along...after all, the paper was right there. But you couldn't read it before, and you didn't even know there was all that writing on it anyway so you didn't realize such a big piece of your puzzle was missing. In other cases, the paper may be more like...trapped in a book, so it was always there, but you had no idea it was as you thought it was just part of the book, not this hand-written note hidden inside. So anyway, it's very normal to feel shocked at how lacking in awareness you were about the full impact or detail of your trauma once you get on a roll with therapy. I always knew I had trauma, and I've always been a self-reflective person...so I thought I was self aware of my trauma. But I've been surprised at how much I was failing to see fully.

ADHD is stupidly named. Having ADHD doesn't mean you have a deficit of attention. It means you can't control (aka regulate) your attention the way most people can. Tons of people with ADHD would tell you that they feel like they have too much attention. They are interested in ALL the things which is why they struggle to keep their focus on one thing while blocking out everything else going on around them. The things you do that cause you problems, were things you originally did to protect yourself. For example, maybe your addiction started because you were reaching for emotional relief and had no other (healthier) way to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you shut down and isolate when you're hurt, because when you tried reaching out for support as a child it just made things worse because your caregiver was reactive instead of supportive. Endless examples, but people do things for a reason. Your coping methods have a logical cause of some kind or another, even if they do more harm than good now, that wasn't always the case. At one time, they helped you cope with or avoid some bigger pain or problem. Depression and anxiety are both forms of avoiding other feelings. Much of general society knows the concept that "anger is a secondary emotion" (which is only sometimes true, it's also a core emotion) but I didn't know this was true of anxiety and depression. They're always secondary emotions. However, it's important to differentiate between sadness and depression, and fear and depression. Fear and sadness/grief are core emotions, but anxiety and depression are secondary. The fact that I am detail-focused and couldn't be concise if my life depended on it, are both ADHD related for me. Social anxiety is usually attachment trauma aka an insecure attachment. Anxiety and depression are often caused by trauma. I wish I knew this earlier. I spent a lot of time thinking of my anxiety was simply genetic or sort of temperament based and therefore unlikely to be healed or fixed. I don't mean to suggest that genetics or temperment isn't some element but...I can't help but wonder how many people are like me and don't realize they could heal a lot of their anxiety or depression by doing trauma work. I'm definitely still an anxious person, but I've seen a really big improvement in my anxiety. More than I thought was possible two years ago. Most kids and teenagers are avoidant in therapy, so they don't usually see as much progress from the experience, at least compared to adults. It's often a rather slow process to see improvement. However, it's still really helpful in the longrun if they have a positive experience with therapy as a teen, they're likely to try again as an adult when they're really ready to face their issues. Online, I've seen child therapists outright say that their #1 goal with kids in therapy is to make them think of therapy positively so they'll come back to therapy when they're older! I saw some progress in therapy as a teen for sure, but the 4+ years of it resulted in roughly as much (if not less?) progress than I've seen in 18 months of therapy as an adult. Apparently that's quite common. Talking about trauma feels awful, and it often makes me leave trauma-related therapy appointments wondering if there is any point or if i'm just making myself sad. A "okay, I understand this issue I have now was caused by XYZ experience from my past...but wtf do I DO about it? I understand it now, but I still have no clue how to fix it?" type of feeling. This is the result of being too close to the current day to see the full picture. Over the course of time, the benefits and healing always become apparent to me.

People who get angry often are sort of the opposite of me. I default to feeling anxious when I "should" feel angry (like when someone is rude to me), and sometimes also when I 'should' be sad. Most people who experience chronic anger are simply people who are converting their fear and/or sadness into anger. It's sometimes the difference between being an internalize and an externalize. Anger is an external emotion, fear/anxiety is an internal one. So if you struggle to externalize, you'll convert anger to sadness or fear, and if you struggle to internalize you'll convert sadness and fear to anger.

My "small t" traumas - like emotional neglect, are at least as impactful as my "big T" trauma (sexual abuse) was.

Sensory issues are common in ADHD, not just autism even though the content online often makes it seem exclusive to ASD.

I am probably forgetting a lot, but if I don't publish this now I never will. So if I think of more later, I'll just add on. :)

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

You've talked about Lucio’s forgiveness before but specifically speaking, Do you think the M6 could ever forgive Lucio for what he did to them ( Besides Portia )?

If they could how do you think it would go and what do you think would happen afterwards? Would they be friends? Would they remain on neutral ground? “ I forgive you but I don't want to see you for a long time”? Etc

OR Do you think there is absolutely no way in the Arcana Realms that they could ever forgive Lucio for the actions ( and crimes ) he committed? ( He did a LOT )

I'm going to go on a tangent about unreliable narrators here which I promise is relevant to the story -

And before I go on, yes, I know the production of the different routes was messy. There's a lot of inconsistencies that can be chalked up to rushed planning, poor work environments for the creators at the time, etc. That doesn't stop me from over-analyzing it though!! :D

Who Lucio is changes pretty significantly from route to route, which feels like inconsistent writing until you take into account the way that who MC is attached to is going to influence their perspective. From Nadia's perspective, he's an incompetent fool. From Asra's, a despicable villain, from Julian's, a scary nuisance, from Portia's, completely irrelevant, from Muriel's, the Devil incarnate, and from his own, the equivalent of a kicked puppy. Forgiveness is much more nuanced process than we like to think it is, and the concept of empowerment and injustice play heavily into it.

When it comes to genuine forgiveness, I personally think Nadia is the closest we get to seeing it happen, and I'm referencing the events of her own route. She's able to go through the process of unpacking the effect of Lucio's actions on her and the people she cares about and addressing it. By her final confrontation with him, she's established and reclaimed the narrative of his involvement in her life, she's able to openly express her feelings to him about it, and once she's toppled their old power dynamic once and for all in a duel, she's ready to put him out of her life on her own terms. Lucio goes running off into the realms and she's able to move on with closure.

Forgiveness in this case looks less to me like "it never happened" or "it happened but I'm not holding it against you anymore." Rather, it looks like "the past has been resolved and now I'm going to rebuild what you tore apart." Both Nadia and Lucio are freed in their own ways. It's a fairly appropriate resolution in my opinion because they chose to have each other in their lives as peers and the processing Nadia did was **roughly ** proportional to the amount of personal harm Lucio caused.

Asra's route has a slightly more typical ending for Lucio as the story's villain. There isn't one point in which the ex-count shows any kind of remorse, self-awareness, or concern for his actions. He's irredeemable. However, Asra doesn't harbor fear towards him as much as they harbor hatred and disgust. They knew Lucio was somehow responsible for their parent's disappearance and assumed death and for the death of their love, but they also saw how easy it was to make a fool of him from a very young age. For them, forgiving Lucio doesn't involve self-empowerment like it does for Nadia or Muriel. It requires a courage to acknowledge the personal pain that someone they hate so much was able to cause.

There's a moment in Asra's route as they lure Lucio into the trap that ultimately causes his death where we see the beginnings of this. Asra turns after running away to face their tormentor down, lists the ways Lucio hurt them, acknowledges that there is still a way for Lucio to hurt them, and then declares their own resolve to work through it regardless. While it doesn't reach the point of forgiveness, it's enough resolution on that front for life without Lucio in it to be free of the previous bitterness. Wrongs were acknowledged, justice was done, and life can continue. I imagine if Lucio had survived falling into the frozen lake, forgiveness would've taken another ten years and proof that Lucio had no further intention of harming anyone important.

Julian's route doesn't get into matters of "right" and "wrong" as much as it gets into "worth" and "guilt". Lucio still blames an inexperienced Julian for cutting off his arm way back when, and Julian in turn chooses to commit to finding a cure for the plague and taking the infected Lucio as his patient. Julian's own poor self-esteem twists all his very real misfortunes into a blame game designed to further trap him. The first step towards forgiveness requires acknowledging that someone else has acted unjustly towards you, but with Julian convinced he's not worthy of being treated with love, he's unable to see the injustice of Lucio's hateful behavior towards him.

Julian's sense of betrayal towards Lucio stems from the hopeless situation he ended up in and all the other lives lost to his selfish choices, but even towards the end of his route he still struggles to acknowledge how Lucio wronged him as a person. He's angry on other's behalf, not his own, but he's only able to forgive Lucio on his own behalf and not other's. The process can't start for him until he's able to hold onto his own worth regardless of how he's treated or what others think.

Muriel's route shows Lucio as something akin to demonic, even having him merge with the Devil later on in the route. Muriel doesn't seem to have ever had some kind of relationship with Lucio, which left the Count without anything to temper his malice. Lucio didn't know who Muriel was as a person and frankly didn't care, as long as he was able to leverage "entertainment" out of him. It's a connection built purely on exploitation, trauma, and ego-fueled malice, and not something to be taken lightly.

The only circumstance in which forgiveness could be healthy and real for Muriel would be if it was part of enabling him to leave Lucio in the past and flourish with as little of it weighing him down as possible. Given what a monumental task that would be, and how thoroughly Muriel likes to take his time to process things, that process would take decades and might never reach completion.

Finally, in Lucio's own route, I'll be honest and say I'm pretty dissatisfied with how the topic of forgiveness was broached. Rather, the word "forgive" seemed to be substituted for the sentiment "it's the in the past and there's bigger/more urgent things to worry about which unfortunately require cooperating with you". We do get the setup for a poignant scene where Lucio has to fight the younger version of himself, but it's more focused on forcing him to recognize what a terrible person he was. Furthermore, as long as Lucio is unable to see himself as a perpetrator or being capable of filling a perpetrator's role, he won't be able to see himself as someone who needs to be forgiven.

With the weight of all the harm he's done, there will come a point in the distant future will Lucio will have to forgive himself. However, that can't happen until the full effect of his actions have completely sunk in and he's matured enough to feel proportional levels of guilt. Even then, there's a necessary period of time where he has to find closure by addressing those wrongdoings before the process of self-forgiveness can start. There's none of that in his route, but I like to hope he makes it that far down the line.

Again, these are all just my opinions (and I'm so sorry it took me days to finish this!) but I hope they help!

[mamapyjama]

I’ve been rereading the current anime arc in the manga, and finally got to The Apology™️, and I wondered what words Katsuki used before translation.

Disclaimer: I’m sure others must have posted about this before but I couldn’t recall reading it myself. I do remember there was a lot of talk about the way he used “gomen” as the Japanese fandom were saying how cute and childlike it sounded, so I thought I’d see if there was anything else interesting there.

Oh, my sweet sweet baby boy…

So, just before he says ‘Sorry for everything’ (ima made gomen), he says:

言ってどうにかなるもんじゃねェけど

本音だ

出久

“Itte dōnika naru mon ja nē kedo… Honne da…Izuku”

Which in the English translation, gave us:

And “speak my truth” is lovely and all, but the word from the original that stuck out for me was ‘honne’.

I’m not sure how familiar most people are with honne–tatemae (I only know about it because I go way way too in-depth when researching for my fics lol), but it’s a concept that every Japanese person is deeply aware of, and underpins much of their society.

Here’s the Wikipedia intro:

Ohhh, that is some extra juicy context for Kacchan’s speech. Essentially, he is saying that everything up until now has been his tatemae, a public façade to protect his own position (strong, powerful hero etc), but that he can’t keep that up and he wants Izuku to see his honne, his true, private self.

Excuse me while I melt from the cuteness.

But WAIT! There’s more!

How much do you know about second-person pronouns in Japanese? (Nope, this isn’t about ‘kare’ again this time hehe).

You’ve probably noticed in the anime that Kacchan says “Temee” a lot, and you may have also noticed that it tends to get translated as cursing. So it actually just means ‘you,’ but like a really rude way of saying it, such that the only way of reflecting that in English is to replace ‘you’ with something like Bastard or Asshole.

Again, have an expert explain:

This and the below are from a very excellent article about second-person pronouns and how they are used for context and drama in anime specifically. I’d recommend reading it as the context is really interesting!

So although pronouns aren’t actually commonly used or necessary in much spoken Japanese, when they are used, it’s a deliberate way to tell you about the relationship dynamic between two characters.

But why, you may ask, am I talking about pronouns again?!

Because, dear friends, throughout the first half of his speech, Kacchan uses ‘temee’ as usual to describe his past with Izuku. I’ve highlighted it below, and pls also note the shaky speech bubble showing his nerves during the ‘honne’ section. 🥺

HOWEVER, straight after he says he wants Izuku to see his Honne, Katsuki switches pronouns from ‘Temee’ (v rude), to ‘Omae’ (very casual/familiar). Below is the page after the apology.

Considering we now know pronouns are not necessary to convey meaning, that’s a hell of a lot of omaes on one page!! Boy cannot get enough of saying it.

If you want more about the different pronouns, see below for a helpful table of common uses for both. And please indulge my shippy heart for highlighting the second usage (but, like ‘kare’, you never know)…

Katsuki is showing Izuku immediately and repeatedly that this is who he wants to be to him and how he wants the world to see them. His honne, his inner desire, is to be close to Izuku, to treat him as an equal.

He’s not just saying sorry, he’s showing that—at least from his perspective—things are going to be different from now on. But, like, also, that this was how he felt about him in private the whole time?! GAHHHH.

So there you go, the apology that was already a massive turning point in their story/relationship was actually even deeper and more beautiful than we all thought. Yet again, Japanese conveys nuance and intention far beyond what can be translated. 😭💕

[empydoc]

that isn’t me. [a “self-aware” angel concept]

“Angel? Have you seen my jacket?”

it doesn’t take a genius to gather if it is or isn’t themselves when they look in the mirror. at least, at face value. nobody shares your face as much as it is your own.

you might have a twin or a sibling that looks like you. they aren’t you, though. they don’t have your blemishes or your teeth. not your hair or your eyebrows. none of those little details.

some people might wake up and look in the mirror and think ‘wow. i look so different today.’ and go about it.

i can’t. that isn’t me. that isn’t my face.

“Angel?”

he opens the door and i look away from their reflection.

“What was the question?” I smile bashfully. He gives me a faux annoyed look- one that feels like it should be gentle, but in some way there’s judgement there. Is that something they’ve come to terms with? Something I should find endearing?

“Have you seen my jacket?” He appears to repeat, his tone softer. I give a general scan of the room, their fingers playing with the sleeves of my shirt before I shake my head.

“No,” I reply, “I’m sorry. Maybe you left it at work?”

He pauses, giving me a look that holds what I could consider confusion. He’s leaning against the doorframe with crossed arms.

there’s a silence in the pause that i don’t like. what did i say that sounded wrong? what would this person say instead? how do you pretend to be other than yourself?

He then interrupts the discomforting silence.

“That’s definitely possible. I’ll look when I go in.”

I nod, thinking the conversation would end at that point, but it doesn’t. There’s only a short pause before he tilts his head to the side, his eyes softening.

my- or, their- heart is pounding.

“Hey. Are you alright?” He asks.

it’s at this point i realise i don’t actually know this man’s name, but it feels as though it’s on the tip of my tongue. i look back at him almost dumbfounded, looking over his face for an answer to a question i hadn’t asked.

“Yeah.” I lie through my teeth, “when’re you leaving?”

“Five minutes?” He responds, before insisting upon the previous question, “are you sure?”

then is when i realise.

“David,” I smile, “don’t worry. I have, like, a little headache. Not even that.”

David looks at me quietly. He doesn’t seem satisfied, but not because of my poor excuse. Instead, it’s as though he’s heard news he couldn’t hear.

“Okay,” he then says, practically a whisper- “rest up.”

He leaves the room and I blink a few times.

there’s an air of confusion to me. a man who calls me angel. david. a person who isn’t me. angel.

i look back at the mirror. it feels a bit clearer now. not a smudge. my hand reaches out and presses fingertips against the surface, leaving prints.

i pull away and whisper to myself words i don’t speak.

“You aren’t me.”

I then respond.

“Pretend to be so.”

[commander-rahrah]

I'm excited to read it too! I'm glad you find it interesting! Don't worry about your post because long! Your thoughts are so interesting!

I agree that Astarion would have to come to terms with Reader/Tav's boundaries too since it works both ways! I definitely feel that Astarion would be too lost in drinking from the blood of a sentient creature to notice the signs.

He would feel ashamed when he's aware of their fear yet they still chose to offer despite that might made him feel like he manipulated them like Cazador did to him 😭

What his excuses are if they try to offer in the early days makes sense! He would be too ashamed & terrified to have such a vulnerable conversation with them yet 😞

He would feel safe enough to bring up their fear after he confessed about everything. He would make it clear to them he doesn't want them to suffer by making them do something they don't want to like he did especially after how much they have helped him & how important they are to him 😭

He would respect their decision if they said it's too much for them. He would support everyone's personal choices & autonomies even though the concept is still new to him 😤

He would need an explanation if they insist on feeding him regardless of their fear. They would explain that not only do they trust him, they love him more than they fear it 🥹

He would only accept if they establish some ground rules 👍 like he did when it comes to physical intimacy & sex which is healthy for both of them!

I know it's unrelated but thank you for adding this because you described me pretty well 🤣 I would definitely react to even the smallest of cuts so Astarion quickly but gently sucking it & giving a small kiss on it would be a fantastic distraction 😳

You're welcome! Thank YOU for entertaining me & sharing your thoughts! I'm glad you enjoy putting Astarion and Tav/Reader in all these different scenarios too 🤍

Here's my idea that I would love to hear your opinion! Just to let you know this is quite self-indulgent XD How would Astarion react to GN! Reader/Tav actually had suspicions that he's using them but still chose to believe that he's not. So when he confessed he manipulated them, they're even not angry at him.

They're sad for how much & how long he has suffered to be the way he is now, but they're also genuinely hurt that he did take advantage of their trust in him. They don't blame him but they admit it still hurts and wants some time alone to process it.

After leaving them be, they would go to him when they're ready to talk to him. They would tell him how grateful they are that he chose to come clean with them despite knowing how it would be easier for him to keep quiet for it, and thanked him for trusting them enough to be honest with them.

What do you think of it? I'm curious :3

Hi Anon! Sorry for the super late response, I let this one stew for a little while in my brain and the other night I had this dialogue idea and couldn’t resist writing a little scene about it tonight! I hope you enjoy ❤️

I envisioned this scene happens half way through his confession, and then imagined the rest of the conversation about intimacy and boundaries would happen afterwards! It’s about 1100 words, and canonical Astarion backstory warnings apply — trauma, dark thoughts, etc.

.·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨

“I just — I feel awful." Astarion’s throat worked silently, his eyes glancing down to his boots. "Look, I had a plan. A nice, simple plan — seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. It was easy — instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in." He finally looked up at your face, studying intensely for your reaction. 

“I—oh,” You pulled your hand away from him as uncertainty flooded your features. He saw your eyes dart back and forth, but they weren’t studying him. No, you were lost in thought. “Oh.”

Astarion licked his lips, his hands ringing together in front of him nervously. “You have every right to be angry.”

“I’m not angry. I thought we… I don’t know what I thought.”

The rest of what he had planned to say vanished out of his mind. Instead it started to betray him, a cruel voice whispering about how he knew you would react like this. Did he really think it would go well?

His pink mouth hung open as he scrambled for what to say, trying to think of how to make this better. But he’d done enough already, hadn’t he?

You crossed your arms over your body, your cheeks flushing deeply. “I feel a bit like a fool. None of it was real, the whole time?”

“Not the whole time,” He confessed as soft, vulnerable moments with you flashed in his mind. The very moments that made him start to drop the act. “It hasn’t been as of late, but before… in the beginning, up until recently, yes.”

His red eyes followed your throat as it bobbed up and down before flicking back up to your face. Your eyebrows were furrowed, your mouth a sad pout.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Astarion whispered, not daring to move forward.

“I’m thinking… I need a moment.” You admitted, already looking behind you and away from him.

His heart sank, but he nodded. “I— okay. Of course.”

And then you were off, your head down as you stalked away from the edge of the beach and back to the warm glow of camp.

He stood there stunned for a moment, before turning around to stare at the dark, choppy waters in front of him. Hundreds of scenarios began to dance in his mind — what if you went back to the camp to tell the others? Would he be met by pointed blades and blazing spells? He imagined being kicked out, staked, cursed, roasted alive with fireballs. Hand delivered to Cazador as extra punishment for his sins. Anything his twisted broken mind could come up with played like a messed up vision.

Astarion didn’t even try to stop the repetitive dark thoughts. It was what he deserved.

Eventually, the vampire slinked back into the camp some time later — once the sky was inky black and the moon was the only light to illuminate the way back to his tent.

“Hi.”

The sound caused his ears and shoulders to perk up instantly. You were sat in the grass and dirt outside of his tent, your arms wrapped around your knees and pulled to your chest.

“Hi.” Gods, he sounded breathless. But he couldn’t see any weapons or angry barbarians or wizards nearby. That was a good sign, right?

“I wasn’t sure when you’d come back.”

He cocked a brow, “I figured you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

A sigh escaped your lips, “Astarion, don’t be dramatic. I asked for time to think — not for you to leave.”

He blinked at your sharp tone, but nodded his head in slight defeat. “You’re right. And you waited for me because—?”

You brushed off your clothes as you stood up to his height, “I would like to finish that conversation, if you’re ready.”

Well, there was no denying the inevitable.

He nodded his head solemnly, stepping forward to open the flap of his tent and inviting you in with a wave of his hand.

The privacy his tent offered was slight, but this late in the night he knew most of his companions would be fast asleep. Quickly lighting a lantern, he joined you on the fabric floor.

His half-dead heart was thundering, the thrumming sound echoing in his pointed ears that he almost missed your quiet voice.

“I understand.”

“What?” His brows furrowed, looking at you with confusion.

“The stories you’ve told me… your scars… I understand why you did it, why you felt the need to do it.” You explained, your voice and eyes tender as you looked at him in the low light. “But you manipulated me, Astarion. You took advantage of me, toyed with me and my emotions to get what you needed. That hurts.”

Astarion’s stomach twisted into a hard knot, “I know.”

“But you also didn’t need to tell me any of this. You could have kept pretending, kept up the charade until we faced Cazador… But you didn’t. Why?”

Now it felt like his stomach was crawling up his torso and into his throat. Gods, what was this feeling? Why did you do this to him. “That’s what I was trying to tell you before. I failed with my plan. It felt apart the moment I realized… that I had fallen for you.” He admitted, but his fluttering heart made more words stumble out of his mouth. “And I know you probably don’t believe me, why would you after everything I just told you. Trust me, nobody feels more stupid about it than I do.”

You cut off his rambling, “I don’t think it’s stupid. I think that’s probably the most honest you’ve been with me since I’ve met you,” You said earnestly. “It would have been a lot easier for you to keep on pretending, wouldn’t it? Pretend I’m just another mark, another means to an end to get through the day.”

“I don’t want easy… I don’t want to just get through the day. Not anymore.” Astarion whispered across the small tent, staring intently at you.

You cocked your head slightly in question, “And what do you want?”

“I want this, I want us — to be real. You deserve something real.”

“So do you, Astarion. You deserve something real.”

Your name escaped his lips as a choked sob as overwhelming wave of emotion settled over him. “I don’t even know what real looks like. How do I give that to you if I—?”

“Do you trust me?”

The vampire nodded through his tears, “Yes.”

“I trust you,” You said softly.

“After everything I’ve done?” He croaked, waving his hands dramatically, “You’d trust a monster—“

You grabbed onto his extended fingers gently, squeezing them. “Yes, even then.”

He looked down at your hands touching, before intertwining his pale fingers with yours carefully. “Maybe you are a fool.”

You let out a breathless laugh, the sound waking up something in him he’d long thought dead. “Maybe, I am. But you fell for me, so what does that make you?”

Astarion’s mouth twitched up until it matched your smile, “The luckiest vampire alive.”

[wayfayrr]

🦆 anon is back again with another self aware ask~

So! You know how tears deliberately put himself is stardew during that one fic? Well, I had a thought… what if it was an accident.

HEAR ME OUT!!!!!

What if he was just scanning through all your code and games trying to find a way to get out… and just accidentally plopped himself into another game on accident? Whether the game being stardew like your fic, or maybe just your “favorite” game because of all the hours you’ve played it. (Hastily hiding the log that says I have almost 1,000 hours in Genshin impact) and then he accidentally got stuck? I’m sure the coding and stuff in a game he isn’t from would be different than his own, so what if he made a minor (big) booboo and got stuck in another game?

glances at my steam library - welp, none of these seem like the nicest option for him, good luck in Phasmo link!!!

I think he'd be simply torn apart if that were to happen :c he was so so close to finally being at your side properly and now he's stuck in an entirely unfamiliar place essentially back in square one? It's soul-crushing for him.

I am actually yoinking your genshin log because while I have not played it myself some of the less cult focused sagau is what got me hooked on the au concept (if I could remember who I would tag but I can't sadly - it was like 2/3 years back now)

so what if he met up with a character that was also aware of them being in a game there?

He has things in common with aether/lumine, potentially enough even to come to an alliance to share you. They're both stranded from another world into teyvat, and they're both the player character who keeps being put through more shit than they signed up for - even if they're a little jealous of each other or have a rivalry about play times between them. It could work depending on how desperate they both are to get out.

There are also a couple other characters that I could see tears being friends with, although I'm not entirely certain if he'd be able to if they're after you too (besides the mc) - Venti is one that I could potentially see, with how tears acts towards freedom plus the fact that he spends so much time in the air? plus apples and golden apples. I think that could catch his attention.

Also albedo. Science buddies, need I say more? If I'm going off of the fics I have read he's looking for a way out too so to meet someone from another game who was so impossibly close? ofc he's going to grill him for answers, and I think that's why tears would originally get so close - before seeing what he's capable of with alchemy, and starting to mess with what could happen between that and zonai tech. (anddddd now I wanna see tears in an albedo cosplay damn it :()