#WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT TO DO GOOD LORD

[malereadermaniac]

Drinking games ~ Your Crush x Male Reader

Some cute sfw shit with your 'straight' male crush who has a secret soft spot for you

The few private moments you had shared with (Y/c) were sweet, even romantic at a push if you sprinkle in some 'delusion'

The man would chat to you, seemingly remembering most details you had shared with him in previous conversations, his (e/c) eyes looking over your features gently as he throws in some jokey flirts; his charisma through the roof, his hand's in his pockets and a smirk on his face as he calls you cute or funny

Moments like those almost, just almost make you forget that (y/c) is in fact a straight man, very much heterosexual

(Y/c) is quite popular, and damn is he very different around his friends than when he's has a very rare moment alone with you

When with his friends, the (h/c) barely spares you a glance, acting all nonchalant around his friends and replying with a 'sup' after you say hi to him - his friends teasing him about his 'friendship with you'

But again, when the two of you have a brief moment alone things are different

The slightly (taller/shorter) man will subconsciously go out of his way to text you or to see you by using almost every excuse under the sun; he needs help with an assignment? Of course you'll help, he missed a lecture? You make time to tutor him!

Or so that's what you thought...

But either way, you knew that you attempts at 'flirting' and your heart rate increasing anytime you saw (Y/c) was realistically futile - the man was straight, and he barely tolerated you too

When you thought about it, the (h/c)'s friends make fun of him for talking to you, and he only really hangs out with you to get shit out of it; you two weren't actually even friends

It came as a real shock when you got a text at 6pm on a random Saturday from (Y/c) who was inviting you to a party he was hosting

Not only were you surprised that he was hosting the party but also that you were invited

"I thought you hated hosting? lmao" you reply almost instantly, good god get some self-respect bro

"I do"

"I want you there to make it more tolerable"

The way blood rushed to your face faster than ever before, my lord

"I suppose i can clear my very busy schedule for you 🙄 "

And that's how you ended up at your first ever party! Well, at least a huge house party, unlike the small functions you had gone to with friends

After being greeted with many drunk people, made nicer by the alcohol in their system, you aimed to make your way to (Y/c); that was until you got dragged away by a group of people greeting you and inviting you to drink

It was surprisingly chill, you were enjoying yourself in the kitchen as you sat on a counter-top, drink in hand as you chatted with the other people you were with - laughing and gossiping

Eventually, word made its way to (Y/c) that you had turned up, and immediately the man made his way towards his kitchen

He couldn't explain why his heart dropped when he saw you talking and laughing with other guys, but it did, and he made his way towards you with a face like stone, aiming to hide his emotions

"(Y/c)! I found youuu!" you chuckle out endearingly, clearly a little tipsy already

"Hey, was lookin' for you... Looks like you made yourself at home" The man teased, his body quite close to yours, the counter-top bringing you to his height

You mumble an 'oh shit, sorry' as you jump down from the food surface, you body pushing against (Y/c)'s as you do so

"Nah it's fine, enjoy yourself.... wanna come hangout with my friends? They're becoming unbearable" The handsome man chuckles, looking exhausted by his drunk friends

You, of course, agree and make your may towards his group of friends in the (h/c)'s living room

Even when drunk, (Y/c)'s friends teased him about having you around, but shockingly, once the (taller/shorter) man saw you expression sour, he told his mates to 'fuck off' - well that made your heart skip a couple of beats!

After hanging out with your handsome crush for an hour or so, more and more people joined the group, people drinking more and more - even (Y/c) feeling comfortable enough to drink with you around

However, a situation arose when someone suggested a game of 'spin the bottle' with a truth or dare twist...

Of course everyone agreed, the alcohol in their system making them much more excitable than usual, and if the activity didn't involve anything getting broke, (Y/c) was cool with it

After a couple of rounds of people being dared to kiss other, secrets being revealed and gross 'would you rather' questions, you were getting progressively more drunk - having opted out of back flipping off of the couch and revealing your fat crush on (Y/c) just to name a few scenarios

(Y/c) was a little worried for you, seeing how drunk you were getting was making him feel overprotective of you - but man did you also look fucking cute!

Your cheeks flushed and your eyes droopy from the liquor, leaning up against him with you warm body as you chuckle for no reason from time to time

Inevitably, the bottle had landed on you once more, causing you to sit up and give everyone a chuckle after whining loudly 'not againnnnnnn~'

But the crowd was definitely silenced when the spinner of the bottle dared you to kiss someone - specifically, some guy you were cozy-ing up with when you first arrived at (Y/c)'s

You chuckle lightly when you see the man blush, his desire for you to kiss him evident on his face - the man had been trying it on with you since you got here!

But as you struggle to get up, wobbling around from the drinking, (Y/c) had shocked everyone

You watch with a fat fuck-off blush on your face as (Y/c) stands up and grabs the bottle from the middle of the circle, downing the whole thing and saying with a nonchalant tone - 'what? he's too drunk to drink anymore'

This man just took a drink for you! HOW FUCKIN ROMANTIC IS THAT???

You hadn't noticed it, but the (h/c) man had drank a lot throughout the night, and he'd even taken that drink for you but seemed literally sober

(Y/c) must have a real high alcohol tolerance, the thought of the big, handsome man being able to handle his drink so well and even be willing to take a drink for you? You had fallen for him all over again then and there!

Some of the people in the circle boo and other hype (Y/c) up, to which he just chuckles and shakes his head as he slings an arm of yours over his shoulders and lifts you up with a hand around your waist

And after the difficult trip up three flights of stairs to the man's bedroom, he gently lays you down on his bed and brings you a bowl to throw up in

You two spend hours up in his room, talkin about many, many things - like his room being cool, you being cute drunk, him being handsome always, you feeling bad that he's missing the party, him professing that he'd rather spend his time with you, and your long conversation had ended with you professing your undying love to your two year ongoing crush

You blushed and slammed your hands against your mouth, shouting that you were dreaming and that 'this wasn't happening!', trying to trick yourself into thinking that the amused man would just forget about this in the morning

He didn't.

(Y/c) remembered every moment in vivid detail... and so did you

But what you didn't expect was for the man to in turn, the morning after, confess that he too had some affectionate, maybe even loving feelings towards you - and also that he was extremely impressed that you didn't even throw up after drinking as much as you did!

[im-actually-a-certified-idiot]

Evan hated parties. 

He hated people, really. Most he knew were loud, annoying, shallow. The purebloods around him were always rambling about blood purity, and the Mudbloods were always whining about Muggle rights. It was exhausting to even be a part of wizarding society. 

Which was why he’s not even sure why he’s going to this party. 

The invitations to the party were sent out a month ago; only the Dark Lord’s closest supporters and most trusted followers were allowed. Or forced, more like. Evan was proud of his allegiance and role as a Death Eater- he took pleasure in ridding the world of Muggle scum. But the social obligations were too much. Ridiculous, really. 

Still. It wasn’t exactly like he could refuse to go. Anyone who turned down the Dark Lord was a fool. Evan may be stupid, but he wasn’t completely moronic. 

He eyed himself in the mirror in front of him. The robes he was wearing were bulky to fit his frame; any less and he would’ve had trouble breathing. It was logical, he knew, but looking at himself, he felt nothing but shame. Disgust. Loathing.

How fat he was. He’d cut himself off from dessert for a month, and this was the result? 

Disgusting. 

“Oi, Rosie,” Barty said, and Evan scowled. He hated that nickname. “Hurry up, will you? We’ll be late.”

“Give me a minute,” he snapped, trying not to take his eyes off his reflection. He knew if he did, he would have to look at Barty, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He didn’t need the reminder of how painfully good-looking that jackass was. Even more so than him.

“You know, I’ve never met someone so vain,” Barty said loudly. Evan raised his middle finger over his shoulder, and stared at himself. 

His hair was sleek, which was okay, he supposed. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle a bad hair day and feeling fat. But his stomach…he squinted closer. Oh, Merlin, it was sticking out. It looked bloated. Shit. He cursed himself for not skipping lunch. All that roasted turkey he ate was coming back to bite his ass, and he had no one to blame but himself. 

Stop that slouching, Evander, he could hear his mother saying sharply. It makes you look fat. He straightened his spine immediately, pulling in his stomach. Would that make a difference? He craned his neck, holding his breath. He wouldn’t dare to hope, but….

No. It was the same. 

He deflated, all his energy draining out of him. He was so tired. He really didn’t want to go to this stupid party. 

“Ready?” Barty asked impatiently; the brunette had started tapping his foot to the tune of some Celestina Warbeck song, one of the ones that was always blasting on the radio. Tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap tap tap.

Oh, that little shit. Evan refused to look at him, choosing to glare at the mirror instead. 

Stupid, stupid body.

“Evan, we’re going to be late.”

Oh, the things he would do to just lose 10 pounds.

“Merlin’s pants, Rosie, I swear. Are you fishing for compliments? Your vain ass need external validation?” Barty’s voice was sneering. “You look moderately less ugly than usual- there, does that make you feel better?”

I feel so fat.

It was 4 words, a thought that had lived in his head since he was young. It wasn’t new, it wasn’t surprising. It was something Evan told himself a million times, something he’d felt every time he looked into the mirror. He was used to it. It was a phrase engraved into his mind, a phrase his tongue knew purely from muscle memory. 

But then he caught Barty’s face in the mirror- wide eyes, slack jaw. Oh shit. Had he said that out loud?

“Fat?” Barty echoed, disbelievingly. He gave a small laugh. “Rosie, come on, you’re not fat-”

“Shut up.” Evan forced his voice to be smooth, clipped. Uncaring. But his next words came out strangled, like they were wrenched from his mouth. “You have no idea what it’s like. You’re skinny, Barty.”

Barty fell silent, his lips moving to voice words that didn’t quite come out. That, more than anything, was unnerving. Barty always spoke whatever was on his mind- he was never at a loss for words. Never. 

Evan bit his lip, turning away from the mirror at last. He fixed his gaze on the poster on the wall, displaying the Weird Sisters, a band of witches that had just begun their great debut. He felt a searing sensation behind his eyes and prayed it wasn’t tears. He could not- would not- cry in front of Barty. He hadn’t cried in front of anyone in 7 years, and he preferred not to break that streak.

“Let’s go. The Dark Lord will be displeased if we don’t arrive on time.” His voice had regained its even, calming quality from before, thank Merlin. “Stop gaping like a fish and hurry up, you fool. You’ll be the reason the Dark Lord punishes us.” He waited, his body still and silent, until he heard Barty leave, not moving an inch until the sound of footsteps had faded completely. 

He inhaled deeply, forcing his eyes to become dry. He was a Rosier, a pureblood. He had been raised to put on masks, to act calm and collected. He was one of the most loyal Death Eaters to the Dark Lord, the most brutal, the most vicious. He was a Slytherin. He was Evan fucking Rosier. He knew better than this. He was better than this. Tears were for children, not grown men. 

He pressed a palm to his eye, exhaling at the lack of wetness. Good. There was still hope for this night yet. 

“Evan?”

Barty’s voice was much quieter than before, if not timid and tentative. Evan slid his hand down his face and turned to see his friend standing in the doorway, holding a pair of robes. 

“I thought you might like these,” Barty said, almost shyly. 

The robes were long, dark satin; one glance told Evan they were of high quality. Certainly not that Madam Malkin's rubbish, which meant it had to be imported from somewhere with rich, thriving clothing industries. Most likely France, if not the United States or China.

He’d never seen Barty wear it. Ever. For one, it wasn’t his style (satin and Barty? Not a good combination) and for another, Barty owned only one pair of dress robes. So where the hell had he gotten this one?

“These were my dad’s,” Barty explained. “I nicked them from his drawer the night I left. I was feeling petty, I guess. They always looked awful on him, but on you, it would look…I mean…” His voice trailed off. “I was saving them for a birthday present, y’know, gonna repolish it and shit, make it look better. It seems better than all those other shitty dress robes you have, anyway. But, uh, I figured now would be a better time, since you said…” He seemed to struggle for words for a moment. “That.”

“That,” repeated Evan, not quite registering the last part. He was still stuck on the fact that these- these beautiful robes- were supposed to be for him. “This is…my birthday present?”

“Was. Suppose I’ll just have to get another one for you? Maybe some hair products. You’re always going off about your hair.”

Evan walked one step, two steps, three steps until he stood right in front of Barty, nose to nose. He gently pried the robes out of the latter’s hands and ran his fingers over the smooth, silky fabric. Merlin. Evan could actually see himself wearing this. “I could kiss you right now,” he murmured. 

Barty’s cheeks reddened- he spluttered for a moment, then recovered his voice..“Just hurry up and put those on. We’re already late.”

***

For the second time that night, Evan peered at his reflection, examining the way the robes hung over him. It actually hugged his figure quite well; he still looked fat (some things would never change, and to hope so would be too much) but it wasn’t as terrible as it was before. 

In fact, Evan almost kind of liked it. 

“Damn.”

He glanced over his shoulder; Barty had poked his head in, probably with the intent to yell at him to stop dawdling. Now, though, he just gaped, his mouth hanging open. Shameless. Evan felt his mouth twitch. 

“It- It brings out your eyes,” Barty said, his voice hoarse. Evan didn’t miss the way the brunette’s gaze wandered far lower than it should have, or the way he licked his lips nervously. “Yeah, it- it looks good.” He cleared his throat. “You look- good. Great. Come on. Let’s go.”

Evan cocked his head to the side. He knew he should listen to Barty- they were half an hour late, for fuck’s sake- but he couldn’t help himself. “Not moderately less ugly than usual?”

Barty’s face colored. “Shut up,” he said gruffly, and turned away to leave, calling over his shoulder, “Hurry up or I’ll leave without you, I swear!” 

Evan couldn’t stop the wide grin from crawling onto his face. With anyone else, he would’ve been disgusted with himself, but he just snatched his Death Eater mask from his bedside and hurried to catch up with Barty.

[smolalienbee]

also i’ll get back to all the art requests as soon as i’m done hemming clothes for jaskier... i have a one track mind and now that i got everything for that cosplay it’s all i can think about doing

[raayllum]

Listen after the constant goalpost moving / claims of the past few years that

Callum would never Ever do dark magic again under any circumstances (can't relate) because

claims of him valuing duty/goodness/morality above all else because he'd never ever be like Claudia and Viren (ignoring the fact that he already was)

and that he obviously didn't do it mostly to save Rayla and did it for the dragon ("I had to, to save my friends" thank you 5x08)

until his TOX bio came out and literally spelled it out otherwise ("I value those close to me more than anyone or anything [...] I am beholden to my inner circle not some silly kingdom")

and then backpedaling to "oh well he'd only do something Big and Dangerous like that for Ezran" (but adamant that it wouldn't be for Rayla, for Some Reason??)

to just complete silence on 1) said goalpost moving and 2) the fact they've had to consistently backpedal if not outright be wrong characterization wise

like I think I'm allowed to do a couple of petty memes on behalf of the "we like that Callum is kinda fucked up and would do outright terrible things / things he considers terrible for his loved ones because his core is that he loves Ezran and Rayla above anything and everything else" crowd that's stayed consistent for a long time and is now validated as fuck

[baeshijima]

i fucking hate this gane

throws up tears

[yannfredericks]

being online rn is such a fucking nightmare oh my god!!!

[july-19th-club]

still not sure how i feel about dickinson's narration and pacing - it can be so distant at times, except when characters are having conversations, when the conversations themselves can get lost in almost agonizingly minute descriptive language ... but the stuff that is Happen ing . good lord the stuff that's happening here

[wowifinallymadeanaccount]

"Whomevers pursuing whom in this very moment, I intend to eat them."

HANNIBAL I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD YOU ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT WITH YOUR COCKY LITTLE CHEEKY REMARKS THAT I KNOW ARE NOT ABOUT FISH JELLY

I love you so much and I know you have plenty of experience while I am literally laid here in bed in stitch pyjamas but oh my god

[theworstcreature]

I love when a fictional character is just like a cat that was left out in a thunderstorm

Like the big sad eyes, looking positively bedraggled, maybe a little bit scared, and just having an awful fucking time right now please give them a hug and a warm cozy place to rest

[abyssalpriest]

if i disappear after saying that ive been assassinated no jokes aside if i take that down its not bc i disagree with it, you can still pin it on me as a belief that i think that shit should be said and ill put my whole ass behind it, but saying shit like that has consequences lmfao. also theres a time and a place to bring that up

[psalmsofpsychosis]

my most toxic trait is, i can decide within the first 7 seconds of watching a piece of media or listening to a piece of music if it's something i like or dont, and the verdict is often very, very final. I'm either vibing with it or i'm not, and that vibing factor is s u p e r important to me. I have never heard of the "well wait and see how it plays out" notion and quite frankly it's alien language to me, i dont wait shit out and i have no interest in stuff that "get better over time", if it's good then it's good now, and it's good down the line, and it's good after, i dont suffer through gradual betterment. With books it's one sentence, maximum one paragraph, you can gauge a lot from one paragraph off a story; you can feel the cadence, the tone, the complexity, the particular approach, the level of creativity (or lackthereof), the atmosphere, the pacing. It's the reason why i'm fantastic at finding new stuff for people based on what they already like.

But also, if i dont vibe with something right off the bat? there's literally nothing you can do to get me into it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i don't give a fuck if it's a classic or a "very good story according to common consensus" or a blahblah, i didn't vibe with it within the first 7 seconds of getting into it and there's that on that.

[deadsetobsessions]

Of all the places he could have been summoned to, Danny Phantom had never considered a private school’s bathroom to be one of them.

With glowing green skin, a shock of flickering flames for hair, and a suit made out of the spaces between collapsing stars, Danny stared down at the stupefied faces of Gotham Academy’s finest students. One of them had their face in their hands, having caught sight of him and undergoing all the stages of grief in but a moment.

They sat around a circle that he was appropriately impressed with considering the limited space they had to work with. Danny could see the empty stalls, some of which were adorned with drawings and writings that were left by the, no-doubt, extremely busy caretaker.

“Seriously, a bathroom?” Danny wrinkled his nose.

“Holy shit, that actually worked?” One of the kids blurted out, then slammed their hands on top of their mouth.

“Did you expect it not to?” Danny squinted at them, frowning. It’s Friday, so it’s not like he had much to do, but Danny would prefer it if his time wasn’t wasted.

“No- no, your… uh, highness?”

“All of that schooling and you’re still uneducated,” one of the other ones hissed at the red headed kid who spoke. It’s “Your Majesty.” He’s a king, idiot!”

That was a pretty solid burn but, “It’s actually just Phantom. Did you guys want something? I’m busy.”

He’s not busy, but who cares?

“Uh…” the kids exchanged glances. The one in the back sighed and spoke up. He adjusted his glasses.

“We’re sorry for bothering you, Phantom. You wouldn’t happen to have a solution for dimensional separation, would you?”

“Huh.” Danny tilted his head, face souring. “I hate dimensional issues. They’re the worst. Who’s causing them?”

“His name’s Klarion!” The one who slapped a hand across his mouth earlier piped up.

“Oh! The lords of chaos or whatever. Yeah, I can help, for a price.”

Danny is against unpaid labor. Extremely against it, considering his side gig is being a half-dead vigilante. Then again, are you really a vigilante if you’re not half dead on a regular basis?

“What do you want?” Despite the reluctance from earlier, it’s clear the one with the glasses made the big decisions in this weird friend group.

“… A hundred dollars.”

“That’s it? No stipulations?” When Danny nodded, the kid had a calculating expression. “Deal.” The teen said immediately. He pulled out cash and wow, Danny’s definitely in a place with a different tax bracket.

He snatched it. Nasty burger money!

“Deal’s a deal. Also, don’t ever summon me again, but if you do, don’t ever do it in a bathroom again. You kids are so weird.” Danny floated out of the circle, grinning sharply. He formed a small bird- he doesn’t know why, but it felt right- of ice and handed it to the kid with glasses. “There. Proof of the deal.”

With that, Danny disappeared. Private school kids were so fucking weird, but… Dash and his goons were probably worse. What’s a little ritualistic summoning in the face of teenagers?

——

“I leave you guys alone for ten minutes and you summon the king of the dead?” Robin narrowed his eyes at his teammates, traitors who had the good graces to look sheepish. “How could you?! I wanted to try, too!”

Kid Flash patted him on the shoulder, a granola bar appearing in his mouth now that the possible world ending terror disappeared. “Sorry, Rob. Maybe next time! Magic still isn’t real though.”

“I’m not doing this shit in a bathroom again,” Artemis rolled back to her feet. “He sounded like he was going to rip our bones out if we ever summoned him in a bathroom again.”

“Ugh…”

[taylor-titmouse]

hey i want to talk about how you should be promoting your work as an erotic author/illustrator

i'm writing this up because the marketing aspect of my work as an erotic author/illustrator is a science to me, and also because i'm the guy who gets unreasonably annoyed when i see other creators not properly advertising their work. you presumably want to make money off your work. this post will be written under the assumption you want to make money off your work but are doing a bad job at it. it will be very confrontational. if you read this and feel attacked you're right and i am attacking you.

this is geared toward selling erotic comics/writing/books/art as products. i will probably write more than one post about this subject so if i didn't touch on something you want to know more about, comment/send me an ask and i'll keep it in mind for the next one.

i will start with my first and least specific but most important point:

DON'T GET FUCKING CUTE

hi are you paying attention. i'm gripping you by the sides of your face. do not get fucking cute with what you are trying to sell. you are not a big enough property to get cute, nobody LIKES it when big properties get cute, and you are selling porn. you have to own this. you have to be up front about this. don't be tongue in cheek, don't be all teehee i wonder what this could be~, don't be secretive. you are selling a product. you have to fucking act like it. you are an adult selling pornography to other adults. i am GRIPPING your HEAD you NEED to understand this.

and to be clear when i say 'cute' i mean coy. i don't mean cutesy, as in the aesthetic. you can be as hello kitty pastel ten emojis a post uwu as you like when you're building your audience and generating hype. but when you start trying to sell, don't be vague, don't be sarcastic, don't mislabel your work as a joke and assume everyone is on it. because they're not.

you must always assume 75% of the people seeing the thing you are advertising have no fucking idea who you are. and that includes a huge chunk of the people who already follow you. they do not know who you are or what you've been working on for two months or why they should care about it. they just got here. somebody just reposted it. they are seeing it for the first time. most people are only looking at social media for a tiny chunk of their day. they are not keeping up with you. you cannot get cute about what you are trying to sell because nobody knows what it is until you tell them.

okay are you still with me. we are going to talk about clarity now.

YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHAT IT IS

good lord the amount of times i have gone to buy somebody's comic or book and had no idea what's actually in it or what it's about. who are the characters? why should i care about them? what do they do in it? what is the premise of this thing you want me to spend $5 on? why would you not tell me? i'm shaking you again. please i have to know what i'm buying i only have so much money to spend on porn.

porn, arguably more than any other genre, relies on knowing exactly what is in it. you do not want to surprise your readers with a kink they were unaware of! and on the flip side, you do not want to miss out on your target audience! if your book contains a hot spider babe laying eggs in an elf, you have to say so. not just so people who don't want to read about eggs know it isn't for them, but so the people who are egg crazy can see that and go "oh fuck YES i love EGGS here is my $5 and an extra $2 tip for catering to me specifically". a contents/features list is as much an advertisement as it is a warning!

as for re: who the characters are and why should i care, i'm sorry but you need to learn how to write sales copy. you have to write blurbs. you have to get good at the shit that goes on the back of a book. we all hate it but we have to do it. i want to know who the characters are and what the context is. i, personally, am not interested in contemporary stories as much as fantasy and historical. please tell me what genre this porn exists in so i know if it aesthetically appeals to me. pull some books off your shelves and see how they do it. hell man go look at mine.

while you're there, note that every single book of mine has a sample of what's in it. this feels like such a no-brainer to me but again! the amount of times i have gone to buy somebody's work and they don't show me what their work looks like! you gotta give me the first page or two! just enough that i know if i like the way your writing sounds, or the way you draw your comics! i don't know you! i am not going to trust that you're good at what you do just based on a cover. the cover is to get me to this step, it is not the only step. you have to show me that you're worth spending my money on!

to put it less cynically, you want to catch my interest. you want me to go 'oh i want to see more of this', you want me to go 'ahh i want to know where this goes!' you need to get me invested and craving more. earn my $5!!!

YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT EASY TO GIVE YOU MONEY

hey go look at your bio right now. go look at your pinned post. do you have a link to your patreon there? do you have a link to your itchio/gumroad/whatever? do i have to click more than once to get to the places you want me to go to give you money? why? why are you making me click twice? have we learned nothing from every website making you click an extra time when they make some stupid UI update and how much it pisses us off? i have already given up, i have forgotten you, i am not giving you my $5 today. put your links in the easiest places to get to them.

god literally as i was writing this post i went to go find somebody's itchio to see how they described their work and it was not anywhere on their profile. grabbing you and shaking you PUT THE LINK WHERE I CAN FIND IT. don't make it hard! make it easy! i am a dickhead sitting on the toilet scrolling, saw your post, and was interested enough to read further. but you made me go to your bio to find your linktree and oops i have already gone back to my timeline to look at the boobies in the next post. stop wasting precious bio space on DNIs and put your fuckin links there!!!

this is more for the twitter people, but: just put the link in the damn post. just say the word commission. just say it's for patreon. "wuh wuh the algorithm" it is not the damn algorithm it's that everybody hates advertising and nobody wants to retweet ads. putting slashes in the words doesn't do anything and you look like a fool. i have posted so much art that says it's 'a commission for ___" and it did exactly as good as any other art despite having the word commission in it. and by doing the slashes you just made it impossible for anybody to search your account for your commission information (which should be at the VERY LEAST in a post under your pinned tweet if you're not actively posting about them being open).

okay that went on a tangent i'm going to back to the point of putting the link in the tweet. put it in the first post. not in the first reply. don't tell them to go to your bio. put it in the post people are actually going to share. it's fine to put more information in the thread but people are only ever going to share the first post. so put the link there. you have to make it easy. putting links in tweets can hurt you algorithmically, even in the replies. so you're better off having it in the post that actually gets seen and shared. i don't want to open the tweet and scroll to get to your sales page where i ASSUME you will have put all the information anyway. put it in the tweet that just got retweeted by itself onto my dash!

also you have to share it a ton of times. i repost my shit every few hours when i'm trying to push a new product. as i said before people are not 24/7 looking at their timelines. they missed it the first time. they missed it the second time. they didn't get paid yet that week but they were after the eighth time and you reminded them again so they finally bought it. that i will still get sales every time i repost a book ad weeks after release says there are always people who missed it, or who only just showed up.

abandon your pride and shill. shills pay their bills. anyone who gets annoyed about it isn't giving you money in the first place. don't worry about looking like a sell out. don't apologize for plugging your own work. post about it often, post about it in different ways. post about it. post about it. you are not going to make money if people don't know you have something to sell them. if you want to make a career out of it, you need to act like it.

I DON'T HAVE A FOURTH POINT

kisses your forehead. i'm sorry for yelling at you. i've been making and publishing and selling adult art for the past two-three years and have got myself to the point where it pays my rent, and i got there by paying attention to what does and does not work.

please do your best to make money. i want you to make money.

as i said above i plan to write more posts on this subject, such as cover design, how to actually write sales copy, and best practices with running a patreon, but if there's things you would want to hear more about leave a comment or send an ask! i will probably be less aggressive on future topics. these are just things that have grinded my gears for a grip.

[pyrriax]

GOD I LOVE THIS SONG

like. this is in sylvester's playlist because it so perfectly fits my vision of them.

like they're so much more than just a "generally caring person" and i mean like.

also just the lyric "no one who loves you should make you feel so unsafe / no, no one who loves you should make you feel alone"

[knightsickness]

robert era westeros dashboard simulation

🫁 maidenless

JON ARRYN DEAD 🦀🦀🦀

🐉 rhaegarsvalyria—deactivated

imagine you are lost targaryen princess danaerys marrying your dear brother, prince viserys targaryen 🤍👰🏼‍♀️

📜 citadelscribe

deactivated… king robert got them

🐺 starkupdates

if you don’t speak politics ned’s basically saying ‘not this time, cunt - papa wolf ned isn’t letting you fuck with his pack. while we’re at it, you’re a terrible jouster, bitch!’ to jaime lannister. who else is doing it like him!!

🥘 bowlofbrown

crying at this they’re both lords they DO NOT care if you live or die. what’s wrong with you people

🌞 bowedbentbroken

aren’t their families literally intermarrying

🪵 riverlandspussy

serfs would stan a dog if it was landed

🐊 lizardlion

bracken dick would be good if they didn’t talk about how much better they fuck than the blackwoods the entire time

🌳 oldegodluvrr

why house blackwood stays 🔛🔝

🗝 livesbythefingers

i have terrible news about what blackwoods also talk about during sex

🔥 melisandre

the red represents projected support for STANNIS BARATHEON - king robert’s once and future HEIR

🦑 saltmalewife

shitting myself at this

🐦 muttonmouthed

stannis there’s doubts near the bloody gate watch out !!

💘 luckylikestcriston

🎭 silkyourstreet

every so often someone accidentally reinvents the fourth council of baelor

🦀 celtigwhore

how is crone not sweeping do you people hate women

🫁 maidenless

JON ARRYN STILL DEAD 🦀🦀🦀

🐴 littlestfrey

why are we celebrating? what did he do? /gen

📜 citadelscribe

known cuckold

🌞 bowedbentbroken

do you think littlefinger and varys ever no i shan’t say

🪸 patchpatchpatchface

on earth, the lords eat roast, and the peasants gruel !! in hell, the lords eat gruel, and the peasants roast !!

🪨 dragonstoner

another patchface banger

🦑 saltmalewife

the man cannot miss

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Spicy Stories

JK Rowling: hello children Poe: oh Poe: oh joanne Poe: you're back Rowling: i have concernss Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you? Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately

Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss Poe: not really Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" that Rowling: ssometimess you jusst get tired of hearing "masterful gambit dark lord"

Rowling: i tell you, you don't know how hard it is to run a cult L Ron Hubbard: oh yeah woof big mood Hubbard: people think its all fun, but its actually a lot of work Rowling: I know right????

Poe: regardless, joanne, i'm going to have to put my foot down Poe: this campfire is just for stories Rowling: uhhh actually i do have a new ssstory Rowling: i wass insspired to write after having an argument on the internet Barker: oh damn no shit? Barker: that's wild

Rowling: it's a new harry potter ssstory King: oh man! it's about time, i've been hoping for a new potter story for ages! Rowling: itss about hermione going back in time to help grindelwald, who actually had sssome good points if you think about it

Rowling: i call it Rowling: the time turner diariesss Barker: wow this is not really funny anymore Baker: its like INTENSELY not funny Lovecraft: catchy title tho!

Rowling: i'm retconning grindelwald into a misundersstood idealisst Rowling: who was only forced to make hard choicess because of the unreassonablenesss of decadent weimar society

Rowling: oh also you know that thing where people kept criticizing me cuz technically grindelwald's "evil" plan was to prevent the holocaust? Rowling: well good news Rowling: i've rectified that little mistake

Rowling: like, why would the naziss target transs & queer people, traditionally the most powerful and widely accepted memberss of ssociety? Rowling: would not the naziss, famouss for their love of diverssity, actually approve of them? Rowling: i'm jusst asskin questions

King: actually joanne there's a lot of well-documented evidence Barker: give it up steve King: no no i can fix this King: i'm sure if i just lay out the facts in a logical, well-reasoned manner- Barker: oh god that's so cute Barker: don't you just love him? Poe: that's our steve

King: so you see the nazi book burning of the institute for sexualwissenschaft- Rowling: nope Rowling: didn't happen King: King: well it kinda did, see, as i was saying- Rowling: thiss iss missogyny

Rowling: i don't undersstand you lot at all Rowling: i come into your campfire, i make a sstatement that i really want to be true & you all refuse to accept it Rowling: thiss issn't the way it works over with my terf deatheaters at all Rowling: they love accepting things i ssay!

Rowling: it'ss actually really missogynisstic that you all refusse to accept what i'm ssaying asss truth Rowling: even though you all know how badly i want it to be true King: but joanne, it isn't true- Rowling: ssave it for court ssteve!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Shelley: i got here late wot's going on? Barker: joanne is doing holocaust denial Rowling: EXCUSE ME it'ss only holocausst denial if you quesstion the murder of jews Rowling: tho now that i think about it i do have some questionss

Rowling: like, would they not have ussed their goblin magic to essscape? Lovecraft: ya know, she makes a good point Sonia Greene: i'm right here howard Lovecraft: Greene: see, this is why i don't talk much