#alloromantic person: I support aro people

[styrofauxm]

Yeah you support aro people but do you listen to aro people when we tell you something you like doing hurts us?

[defectivegembrain]

Honestly even as an alloromantic person, the phrase "love is love" has always struck me as lukewarm support that misses half the point. Like, I've only been in love once and it was a disaster. The vast majority of my experience as a lesbian is not about love, even romantic attraction isn't automatically equivalent to love. And you know, sometimes I am just...sexually attracted to someone, and there's nothing less acceptable or deserving of rights about that. Love is easier to prop up as this pure, innocent thing that people should be ashamed to oppose, but it's only part of queer experiences for anyone, and we all deserve to have our whole selves accepted. Like the phrase must really suck for aros to hear, but I'm not convinced it's all that supportive for anyone.

[romancerepulsed]

disclaimer: i am american and i can only speak for how it is here, but regardless this post is about online spaces

i have to say it. "romance negativity" is not a thing and you all look like clowns for saying it and placing it right next to sex negativity. sex negativity exists within a large system oppression. its a set of beliefs an individual can have, yes, but those beliefs in and of themselves are nothing without their institutional support. sex negativity, though it hurts queer people the most, negatively affects every person who desires to interact with sexuality in any way. sex negativity is major websites and apps banning porn for the sake of profit. sex negativity is restricting abortion access. sex negativity is absitence-only education. sex negativity is the criminalization of sex work. sex negativity is rape culture.

romance negativity does not exist in this way. the most romance negativity could possibly harm you is it hurting your feelings a bit when an aromantic person expresses their frustrations with amatonormativity. our institutions actively push for romance and partnering. our whole society is structured around it. all of our entertainment is infested with it. there is no significant cultural push to devalue romance the same way there is for sex, and thats why the discussion of the evil repulsed aros who hate romance and hate you for experiencing it is so fucking stupid to me. like, every romance repulsed aro i know is so painstakingly polite and supportive to the alloromantics and romance favorable aros around us. we are constantly gritting our teeth and working through it, because thats what we have always had to do.

ive also seen posts complaining that romance repulsed aros make the community feel unsafe for romance favorable aros, which... i have not seen any of the rumored aro elitism this implies at all. im sure there are some guys out there who exclude romance favorable aros, and they absolutely suck ass. but this is not a widespread problem at all. and i need you to put yourselves in the shoes of a romance repulsed aromantic person right now. someone who has just found the language for what theyve been struggling with all their lives, and theyre excited to find a community for people like them, a community thats supposed to be free from the talons of amatonormativity, only to find out most of the people there are still talking about their partners, their crushes, the romantic things they wanna do with their friends, etc. its isolating. this isnt to say aromanticism isnt a spectrum or that people shouldnt talk about their experiences as romance favorable aros, im just trying to get you to understand *why* repulsed aros can seem so irritable or aggressive at times.

so im sorry that romance repulsed aros expressing their frustration with the very fabric of society being against them hurt your feelings. but i think maybe thats just something youre gonna have to deal with. if you need tips on sucking it up then maybe ask a romance repulsed aro, we're used to it 👍

[bloomshroomz]

Reworking the A/Grey/Allo/Orchid Attraction System

As it stands currently, the a-spectrum encompasses any identity involving little or no attraction. This includes all grey orientations by default. The allo spectrum is treated as less of a spectrum, but more of a term for people who aren’t a-spec or grey. I think that this ultimately ends up being confusing, and could use some reworking.

(Some people might be getting a little anxious about where I'm going with this, especially if you're greysexual/demisexual/etc, so I want to make it clear right away: This rework is not designed to invalidate or exclude you.)

I keep seeing the a-spec get stretched to encompass more and more experiences, such as meneromantic: a term for people who experience romantic attraction easily, but prefer not to act on it unless they think their crush will reciprocate… Which just describes how most alloromantic people approach their attraction.

This was described as an “aro-spec” orientation, and as an aromantic person, I feel like that misses the point of the spectrum completely. I admit, it is a pretty niche term, and isn’t the end of the world, but it’s a symptom of a larger problem.

It’s becoming clear, at least to me, that people are unsure how to draw the line between a-spec and allo, due to the subjectivity of what “little attraction” even is, to the point of both terms becoming less meaningful over time. I don’t even know where I’m supposed to fit among those terms myself, at least when it comes to sexual attraction. I’ve actually opted not to label my sexuality largely for that reason; it’s why I’m a neu aro.

So I wanted to take a shot at proposing a change. Not for the sake of excluding or assimilating, but for the sake of making attraction/orientations more easy to navigate and explore, especially for people who are questioning. I made an effort to make this rework as inclusive as possible, while also being much more clearly understood. If you experience attraction and identify as a-spec, don’t worry! The rework still includes you; it just includes you in terms which are easier to define.

A-spec

The a-spectrum, under the rework, includes any identity which is defined by zero attraction, as well as experiences adjacent to that. In other words, if a person experiences absolutely no sexual attraction, no romantic attraction, and/or no tertiary attraction, they are a-spec. This includes:

Asexual: Experiencing zero sexual attraction, or having an adjacent experience to this.

Aromantic: Experiencing zero romantic attraction, or having an adjacent experience to this.

Aplatonic: Experiencing zero platonic attraction, or having an adjacent experience to this.

Cupio: Experiencing zero (sexual/romantic/platonic/etc.) attraction, but desiring a relationship commonly associated with that attraction anyway. For example, desiring a sexual relationship as an asexual person.

Apothi: Experiencing zero (sexual/romantic/platonic/etc.) attraction, and feeling repulsed by relationships and/or activities associated with that attraction. For example, being asexual and sex-repulsed.

Icula: Experiencing zero (sexual/romantic/platonic/etc.) attraction, but being open to relationships/activities commonly associated with that attraction anyway. For example, being asexual and open to sex.

Etc.

“Experiences adjacent to that” refers to anyone who doesn’t necessarily experience zero attraction, but still:

Feels strongly represented by a-spec identities/experiences.

Strongly relates to a-spec identities/experiences.

Needs access to a-spec resources, communities, and support.

Finds it easy, useful, and/or helpful to identify as a-spec, especially as opposed to not identifying as a-spec.

Finds one’s attraction to be irrelevant to one’s life, either because it’s so vague or infrequent that it has no impact, because one has negative interest in acting on it, or because one’s attraction otherwise has no relevance.

Note that “experiencing little attraction” is not a qualifier on its own, because what’s “little” is entirely subjective, and can be incredibly difficult to define. Note that you do not have to check each bullet point in the list above to be a-spec; just one is enough.

Greysexuality, greyromanticism, etc. can be a-spec, but these identities are not a-spec by default. It depends on the individual, their own experiences, and how they define/feel about their own identity.

Grey-spec

The grey spectrum, under the rework, includes any identity which doesn’t fit neatly into an a-or-allo binary. This includes:

People who aren’t sure whether they’re a-spec or allo-spec.

People who resonate with both a-spec and allo-spec identities/experiences.

People who resonate with neither a-spec nor allo-spec identities/experiences.

People whose identities are in constant flux, and thus difficult or impossible to pinpoint as a-spec or allo-spec.

People who fit into the a-spec category, but feel like the a-spec category is still insufficient in some way.

People who fit into the allo-spec category, but feel like the allo-spec category is still insufficient in some way.

People who feel like they fit somewhere between “experiencing attraction” and “not experiencing attraction” in some way.

Anyone else who can’t or won’t fit themselves into an a-or-allo binary.

Greysexuality, greyromanticism, etc. can be a-spec and/or allo-spec, but these identities are not either by default. It depends on the individual, their own experiences, and how they define/feel about their own identity.

I think this is a much needed change, not just because this is easier to define than figuring out what “little attraction” means, but because grey-specs don’t always want to be pigeonholed into being a-spec by default. It is a grey area, after all.

Allo-spec

The allo spectrum, under the rework, includes any identity in which one experiences attraction, no matter how much or how little. This includes:

People who experience little attraction.

People who experience a moderate amount of attraction.

People who experience a lot of attraction.

I’ve decided to include all experiences of present attraction in this spectrum because it can be extremely hard (or impossible) to quantify how much attraction you experience in comparison to other people. If you experience attraction, it isn’t necessarily going to be clear whether you experience a lot or a little or something between. Including all present attraction under the allo-spec, no matter the amount, makes it much easier to define where you fall within these spectra.

Greysexuality, greyromanticism, etc. can be allo-spec, but these identities are not allo-spec by default. It depends on the individual, their own experiences, and how they define/feel about their own identity.

Orchid-spec

This is an additional spectrum for people who experience attraction, but do not want to act on that attraction. For example, an orchidsexual person experiences sexual attraction, but does not want to have sex under any circumstances.

I didn’t come up with this spectrum, but I’ve decided to include it here, because a person may feel that orchid-spec is the only spectrum that feels relevant to their experience, with a/grey/allo being completely irrelevant or inapplicable. Though, a person may resonate with orchid-spec in addition to other spectra, which is also valid!

Overlapping spectra

All spectra within this proposed system can overlap in some instances.

For example, if a person experiences attraction, but feels strongly represented by a-spec identities, they could be a combination of a-spec, grey-spec, and allo-spec. They might identify with one spectrum more than the others, but they would be included in all three.

As another example, a person may fall under all four spectra, because:

Their attraction is irrelevant to them, so they identify as a-spec.

They relate to both a-spec and allo-spec, so they identify as grey-spec.

They experience attraction, so they identify as allo-spec.

They don’t want to act on their attraction, so they identify as orchid-spec.

A person might also identify as both grey-spec and a-spec, but not allo-spec, because they don’t know whether they experience attraction or not, but they relate to a-spec identities and experiences.

Another person might fall under both allo-spec and grey-spec, but not a-spec, because they experience attraction, but feel that the allo-spec is insufficient to describe their identity, while also not resonating with the a-spec at all.

These are just a few examples of how spectra could possibly overlap. There are other ways that these spectra could be combined which have not been listed here.

And of course, it's up to you how you identify! I just wanted to propose a system which (hopefully) makes attraction easier to understand and navigate.

[aspecduality]

This very first Aromantic Visibility day as well as this and every future pride month: alloromantic people (non aromantic/arospec people) please please please don't just say "aros you all are valid and welcomed here!"

That is only the first of many steps but too often that's all I see done for aros. (For aces it's slowly changing to be a bit more) but a lot of people still think the A in LGBTQIA+ only stands for asexual (or worse, they think it stands for Ally, when it actually stands for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender).

Saying we're valid isn't enough. You need to listen to us, both about the struggles and joys that we face and not assert that you know our experiences, lives, and feelings better than us.

Our experiences are not the same of course. They will be very different, varried, and you may not "get" them all. But the same can be said for our other human kin. You need not be able to personally relate to us to listen well and support us in both joy and sorrow.

To be happy for us and celebrate when something happens in our lives that is positive. To not treat getting a pet as us being sad and lonely and trying to make up for a lack of a romantic partner, to see us getting a place for ourselves to willingly and happily live alone and celebrate us being able to decorate it just how we'd like and get alone time when we want it. To not see someone single and try and push us into dating or someone else to date us when we don't want to because you, personally would be sad without experiencing romance.

Listen and help us fight the causes of our suffering and discrimination. When we say something systematic is harming us don't just say how the solution to affordable housing and better tax benefits would be to just get a significant other/get married, help us change how we as a society operate. Listen to us feeling invisible, unrepresented, and alone due to how society shoves down our throats that not feeling love makes you an evil monster and how you must find someone you love in order to be happy and feel whole. Help us get more information, knowledge, and understanding about aromanticism out into the world to help current aros not feel so unsupported and estranged or even unsafe around the LGBTQIA+ community as well as aid questioning folk who may be aro realize sooner that unlike how everything in society tells us, there is nothing wrong or broken about them and there is a whole life full of wonderful things and cool experiences waiting for them.

[Please DO NOT tag this post or refer to it as Asexual or derail the post to be about asexuality (or anything else). Aros and aces have a lot of experiences in common but this post is being made on Aromantic Visibility day and is meant to be about Aromantics specifically.

Of course, intersectionality is ok, such as being AroAce and how these subjects tie into each other and people's experiences with Atomanticism tied into other aspects of their lives]

[adrenaline-crunkie]

Happy aromantic spectrum awareness week!

Hello everyone! So since it's officially aro week (a bit late but whatever) I thought it'd be cool to make some content about aromanticism and give some information about it ^^

Before we start, happy aro week to all of my arospec folks and allies who support us through it all. I love you all so much ❤

So, what is Aromanticism?

Aromanticism is a romantic orientation where the individual experiences little to almost no romantic attraction or desire. The term is also often shortened to 'Aro' to refer to people who are aromantic. The opposite to the term is 'Alloromantic', which describes a person who does experience romantic attraction/desires. Aromanticism is a spectrum, and individuals have adopted other more specific labels, such as Aroflux (romantic attraction fluctuates in intensity), Greyromantic (romantic attraction rarely experienced), Demiromantic (romantic attraction only happens when a strong bond has been formed), Aegoromantic (doesn't feel romantic attraction, but likes the idea of romance) and many more that is simply too much to name.

Flag meaning

The first aromantic flag was published by the National Coalition for aromantic visibility in the early 2010s.

Green: aromanticism

Yellow: platonic love and friendship, because yellow roses represent friendship

Orange: symbolizes lithromanticism because it's between red and yellow

Black: represents a variety of people who fall within a grey-aromantic range.

The flag was later changed as it left out some arospec identities, closely resembled the Rastafarian flag and had a stripe including alloromantics

The current aromantic flag was made by Cameron Whimsy on 2014. The stripes are as follows:

Green: aromantic spectrum

White: friendship and platonic love

Grey and black: sexuality spectrum

Green is chosen as it's the opposite of red, the color mostly associated with romantic love, and the two shades of green were chosen to represent the aromantic sprectrum.

Other symbols

Arrows are commonly associated with the aromantic spectrum due to aromantic often being shortened to Aro, which is pronounced the same way

Spades are also used, as it's the opposite of hearts and is also associated with the aroace spectrum

A white ring is worn on the middle finger of the left hand (opposite of the black asexual ring)

History

The early online community of aromantic people formed on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) and other social media platforms on the year 2005.

Since then, a community centered around aromanticism was formed online of Arocalypse.com, as well as other social media platforms

To gain wider acceptance and recognition, the Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education & Advocacy (AUREA) was formed. This was to increase education on aromanticism and help the aro-spec community gain wider acceptance by the general public. AUREA is also the leading organizer of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week.

Please let me know if anything is lacking from this post or you know anything else or if there's anything incorrect, please let me know so I can add/edit them to this post! Much thanks! ^^

If you're aromantic and/or an ally, I hope you have an amazing day/night and remember, you're always loved and appreciated in the community even if the phobes around you make it not seem like it. You always have your allies to support you! ^^

[roses-are-repulsed]

Welcome to Roses Are Repulsed 🌹

What is this blog?

Welcome to Roses-are-repulsed! This blogs main focus is to be a source of positivity for romance and sex repulsed people! Mostly there is a focus on the aro and ace community but repulsed allos are also welcome here!

And while not specifically targeted at other split attraction repulsed identities, you all are welcome here as well :) So if your plato-repulsed or just any or all attraction repulsed then you too are welcome here.

Who runs it?

This blog is run by @redysetdare! You can call me Red or Dare and I use he/they pronouns! I'm a loveless aroace who is romance repulsed/averse and sex repulsed. (Also a-attractional in general? I don't feel any attraction on the SAM at all. Recently also found that I may just be attraction/relationship repulsed/averse in general)

I've been doing my best to make posts about my repulsed experience and trying to push for more support and positivity surrounding repulsed experiences! if you are repulsed, averse, or maybe just tired of romance/sex/whatever in general then feel free to share you experience or just hang out here :)

Glossary of Terms

Sex repulsed: someone who is uncomfortable or disgusted by the idea of sex in reference to themselves and to others. each persons comfort level is different and decided by the individual.

Romance repulsed: Someone who is uncomfortable or disgusted by the idea of romance in reference to themselves and others. each persons comfort level is different and decided by the individual.

Sex Averse: someone who is uncomfortable by the idea of sex in reference to themselves but may be okay with it in reference to others. their comfort with the topic may range greatly and may need certain standards to be met for them to be okay with the discussion.

Romance Averse: someone who is uncomfortable by the idea of romance in reference to themselves but may be okay with it in reference to others. their comfort with the topic may range greatly and may need certain standards to be met for them to be okay with the discussion.

Rose: Shortened version of "Romance and Sex" with Ro = Romance and Se=Sex. It can be used as an easy shorthand when talking about identities relating to both romance and sex, such as Rose prepulsed, Allorose, Arose, etc.

Allo: apposite of the a-prefix. Allosexual is someone who experiences sexual attraction; alloromantic is someone who experiences romantic attraction; and alloplatonic is someone who experiences platonic attraction.

Sex negative: a political stance where one believes that the act of sex is immoral in some way. Usually pushed by puritan Christians who believe that sex is only meant to be between a man or a woman, that it should only be done to have children and not for pleasure, and that it is a duty of serving god. it is important to make a distinction between the political belief of sex negativity and being sex repulsed.

Tagging

Sex Repulsed - Sex averse : any posts relating to sex repulsion/aversion will be tagged as both sex repulsed AND sex averse.

Romance Repulsed - Romance averse : any posts relating to romance repulsion/aversion will be tagged as both romance repulsed AND romance averse.

Rose Repulsed - Rose Averse : posts relating to Romance AND Sex repulsion/aversion will be tagged as rose repulsed AND rose averse.

[id] Repulsed - [id] Averse : posts relating to other forms of repulsion/aversion will be tagged with the identity followed by repulsed and averse. Ex: plato repulsed and plato averse for platonic repulsed and averse respectively.

Aromantic - Aro : any post related to aromanticism will be tagged as Aro and aromantic.

Asexual - Ace : any post related to asexuality will be tagged as Asexual and Ace.

AroAce : posts relating to aroace identities will be tagged as AroAce.

Allosexual - Alloromantic - Allorose : Posts relating to allosexuality, alloromantic or allorose will be tagged as each one according to the post. (so a post about aroallos would likely be tagged as aromantic and allosexual)

Asks : Answered asks from the ask box.

Submission : post submitted by another user to the blog.

Positivity : positivity posts in general will be tagged with this.

Vent : for posts/asks that may be venting.

Goof Post : just a silly post. usually a joke or a meme.

Romance mention : if a post mentions romance in a way that could trigger repulsion this tag will be added to it. Feel free to request its addition to posts.

Sex mention : if a post mentions sex in a way that could trigger repulsion this tag will be added to it. feel free to request its addition to posts.

Guidelines for sending asks and submissions

Submissions: submissions is where you can submit positivity posts for the blog.

Submissions should be used to creating positivity posts that you would like posted onto the account.

Submissions must follow the blogs theme of repulsed positivity. this can be any kind of repulsion and doesn't need to be only rose repulsion.

this is not the place to send vent posts. vents should be sent through the ask box.

no links will be allowed as to avoid scams and bots.

Asks: a place to ask questions, make requests, express yourself, or lightly vent.

The ask box will accept vents. just make sure to put proper warnings if certain things get heavy. also note I'm not a therapist and can't give mental health advice but I will gladly grant you a platform to let your feelings be heard and build community.

Hate mail and negativity will be blocked and not posted under any circumstances.

do not spam the inbox if your question goes unanswered. We either didn't answer it for a reason or just haven't gotten to it yet.

Sex/Romance Repulsed Discord server!

Looking for community? Feel free to ask to be invited to the Repulsed discord server!

[dross-the-fish]

Started hanging out with some new friends in a Discord server on days when work from home is slow but I'm not able to leave my desk to draw or write, and I'm honestly surprised by how good of a time I've been having, how at ease I feel. This is the first friend group I've had where most of, if not all of, the people in it are queer in ways that are similar to myself, and not just cisgendered gay or bisexual people, but people who are also non-binary/genderfluid and on the aro/ace spectrum. After a lifetime of being friends with people who were mostly straight or gay and almost all of them cis except for maybe the odd binary-transperson all of whom are allosexual. It also made me realize that I've been walling myself off from most of my old high school friends for the duration of our relationship and haven't even noticed it. I always tend to sit and let little comments slide because I don't want to get into a debate or call too much attention to aspects of myself I'm still figuring out. Dealing with behaviors that were vaguely phobic and excusing them as my friends just "not knowing better," because they seemed well intended otherwise and nothing said was overt. Feeling like before I presented ace characters to them that I needed to have some justification and explanation at the ready and brace myself for people to try and tell me that "well this character can still have sex right?" or "What's the point of making x aromantic?" because they were allosexual and alloromantic and couldn't enjoy characters that weren't "available" in that way. Debates about whether asexuality should even be part of the LGBTQ spectrum weren't common, but they happened. Being made to feel like not being attracted to my partner was unfair to my partner because "everyone deserves to feel attractive to the people who love them." "A stands for Allies" is a thing that came out of one friend's mouth. "Non-binary is trans-lite," is another. "I could never love someone I wasn't attracted to, it must suck so bad to have that part of you missing." When I eventually came out as gender fluid, they seemed accepting but never bothered to use masc pronouns because I still accept fem ones. So they just felt free to ignore my gender all together and one of them even slipped and tried to correct someone who called me "sir" because it was that easy for her to forget, even with me standing right there in a chest binder and men's clothing.

There was always been an element of being ready to defend myself, of weighing my words before I spoke them and agonizing over whether I'd have to hear empty platitudes, excuses of people just "not being used to it" and an obvious, palpable discomfort that no one was willing to unlearn, that would be left for me to bear and to feel like I was at fault for creating by simply existing. And I never noticed it because it was so prevalent and it was still preferable to the blatant hostility most of the conservative population around here has for the LGBTQ community. I can talk to these people about every other thing under the sun, call them when I'm in trouble and they'll help me and turn to them for advice and support in every other area...but the little things still matter. Even when I told myself they didn't. Being around people and feeling like I can be unguarded is such a bizarre feeling that I'm almost afraid of it. Hearing one person talk about how an aromatic character I write isn't broken and wanting strongly for that character to be told that by somebody made me want to cry. Being asked if I would prefer couple art to be sfw vs nsfw because the asexuality of one character was taken into consideration actually felt like a big deal because NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I didn't know these things mattered so much until they happened and now I feel I'm at a crossroads and debating if I should make the effort to advocate more for myself among some of my old friends. Acceptance matters, community matters. I always knew this intellectually but it's a whole different level now that I've experienced it. I've learned that it matters to me.

[ar0acejay]

hiya, here's the link to alastor not being explicitly aromantic being discussed on another blog: https://onesidedradiostatic.tumblr.com/post/743154763842093056/apparently-alastor-is-not-canonically-aromantic

tbh, I agree very much with what that blog said -- amir talai said "him being aroace is not explicitly known" which is true. the word "aro" hasn't been said explicitly in the way "ace" has. it's been stated as word of god and discussed and hinted, but it's not been said BY any character/s (yet 👀👀👀)

I think a VA of the character saying "my way of reading things is if it's in the script it's explicit, and if it's not, it's not" makes a lot of sense. that being said, it's not to say it won't be made explicit down the line, in the way "ace in the hole" was a way of making the aceness a Statement That This Is The Character

amir talai strikes me as the kind of guy who's been consistently very deliberate in only discussing what's on the page about his character, so not wanting to discuss his being aroace until/if it's on the page is very fair -- with "ace in the hole" he did also speak about how that was a way of making something explicit, while still being true to the character not knowing the terminology or the identity. until that moment, "ace" was not explicit either

(I don't btw personally totally agree on reading characters this way, considering the long history of queercoding being that one Couldn't make something explicit + that's still a very deliberate method of writing show-don't-tell today, But that's coming from my side as someone who's well-versed in that history, rather than a "I am the random person voicing a character and I do what's on the page in front of me, because that is my job and I talk about what is on the page in front of me" -- but he's clearly also trying to learn, which is awesome)

also he DID do some learning/hyping on aro-identity during this week of aro awareness, so it's also nice that he definitely understands that ace and aro aren't interchangeable and is putting in that work to open his horizons on that front

Thank you for linking the post!!

I totally agree with what the post said. Alastor got 1000% confirmed as ace by that joke and personally I also think that it included him being aromantic. A lot of people still think that ace and aro go hand in hand the same way that they assume that (for example) bisexual and biromantic go hand in hand (which they don't but a lot of people think that) so maybe the writers are part of that group. Also, like the other blog said, Rosie said the "ace in the hole" joke in relation to him dating Charlie and it basically went "she's too young for you lololol jkjk ik you're ace" (which doesn't stop people from being in an alloromantic relationship, people just think aro and ace means the same thing) so I do think they included aro into that scene. However aro actually being in the script is only my own interpretation so I get it if people think otherwise.

I completely support your point about stating things explicitly and queer coding. I think Alastor is extremely aro-coded apart from the fact that his VA didn't actually un-confirm it - he just said that it's not explicitly in the script. Personally, it's super duper implied that Alastor is aromantic but again, I get it if people don't see it. So yeah, despite what anybody says, as long as Alastor isn't confirmed to be not-aromantic I'll headcanon him on the arospec

Also, even if Alastor turned out to be not-aro, I don't think anything would change because about 95% of this fandom doesn't give a shit about aros or aces and just continued erasing Alastors aroace identity that we thought he had at that point so yeah.

(also amir talai doing research and posting about ASAW is so important to me AHSHSAHAHAJJWJFJS) (I never thought I'd be hyping up a man for doing the bare minimum but here we are)

[askanaroace]

How to Best Support Partnering Aros

So this is a response for a request on twitter to understand how to best support aros who do want some sort of committed partnership. Obviously, I don't fall into this category, so while I'm writing this post based on my past experiences and what partnering aros are saying today, I welcome any additions from others!

Understand Aromanticism is a Spectrum

Right off the bat, let's clarify: aromanticism is low/rare or no romantic attraction. That means there are some aros out there who feel romantic attraction, whether that be only in specific circumstances (such as after a bond is formed with the other person), at low intensity, at random/rare times, or otherwise. Now each aro person is going to have their own unique relationship with romantic attraction and romantic relationships. What they have in common is that they don't relate to the common romantic experiences of their peers.

Some aros in relationships are going to experience romantic attraction, at least sometimes or somewhat. And some aren't going to experience romantic attraction at all! Romanticism is defined by individuals. You don't need to feel romantic attraction to perform romantically. You'll need to get to know each aro individually to know their experience. Just don't make an assumption over what they are or aren't feeling.

Understand Intimate and/or Committed Relationships are Varied

Partnering aromantics may be looking for a variety of relationship types! Not all partnering aros are looking for the same thing. Here's the main type of partnering relationships aros may be looking for.

Romantic relationships

Sexual relationships

Committed platonic relationships/friendships

Queerplatonic relationships (unique relationships that neither fall into platonicism or romanticism, all the specifics of which are determined by those in the relationship - no two qpps will be the same)

Coparenting relationships (these may be romantic, platonic, queerplatonic - whatever, but the main driving commitment to them is wanting to raise children together)

Some aros may want multiple types and/or want them with multiple people. But don't assume an aro will want a specific type of relationship. You'll need to get to know each aro individually to know what they're looking for or what they have!

Get to Know Aromantic Lingo

In order to best support partnering aros, you'll want to be familiar with some basic terminology. I introduced you to one thing you might want to know above (queerplatonic). I'll quickly go over some relevant lingo that would be useful for any ally to know.

Identities

Alloromantic - someone who experiences romantic attraction (that largely lines up with the way society expects you to experience romantic attraction); ie someone who is not aromantic

Aromantic - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction and/or someone who is uninterested in aromantic relationships

Demiromantic - someone who only experiences romantic attraction to people after they have formed a bond with them/gotten to know them; they don't develop attraction to everyone they form a bond with but the bond is a necessary component when attraction occurs

Cupioromantic - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction and desires a romantic relationship

Non-SAM aro - an aromantic who doesn't use the Split Attraction Model (see Assorted); "aromantic" alone is enough to describe their orientation

Oriented aroace - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction, low/rare or no sexual attraction, but does experience another type of attraction (ex. platonic, alterous, sensual, etc.) important enough they want to label it; this is often expressed as "bi aroace", "lesbian aroace", etc.

Attractions

Alterous - an attraction based on a desire for emotional closeness that is neither platonic/romantic (the basis for some queerplatonic relationships; people may further qualify this with who they are alterously attracted to such as bialterous)

Mesh - the alterous equivalent of a crush (e.g. "I have such a mesh on my best friend!")

Platonic - platonic attraction/a desire to become friends with a person (ex. biplatonic, homoplatonic; aplatonic is a term for someone who experiences no platonic attraction or finds friendships in general exhausting/difficult to form/maintain)

Smush - the sexual equivalent of a crush

Squish - the platonic equivalent of a crush

Tertiary - a categorical label for any other type of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual (ex. platonic, alterous, sensuous, aesthetic, etc.)

Relationship Related

Nonpartnering or nonamorous aro - an aro who does not want any sort of committed, long-term partnership

Partnering or amorous aro - an aro who wants some sort of committed partnership

Queerplatonic - relationship that is neither platonic nor romantic and isn't accurately/comfortably defined within the expected arenas of friendship or dating; term is open to interpretation on purpose - the basis of the term is that it queers our understanding of platonic relationships in general society

Romance favorable - someone who desires romantic connection in some form

Romance indifferent - someone who feels neutral on the subject of romantic connection; they might partake in romance if the opportunity comes up but they don't actively seek it out

Zucchini - name for your queerplatonic partner (e.g. "My zucchini and I are moving in together soon!")

Assorted

Amatonormativity - the societal expectation that everyone should monogamously pair up with a long-term romantic (often romantic+sexual) partner

Split Attraction Model - a model of attraction where, for some people, their romantic and sexual orientations aren't the same, most commonly used by aros and aces (ex. biromantic asexual, aromantic gay, heteroromantic lesbian, etc.)

Myths, Biases, and Assumptions to Unlearn

Finally, the best way to learn how to support partnering aros may be to understand some of the most common misunderstandings about them so you can catch and call out these inaccuracies.

"Aromanticism is the same as asexuality."

Aromanticism is about romantic attraction. Asexuality is about sexual attraction. Just like some asexuals experience romantic attraction, there are some aromantics that experience sexual attraction. Some people are both aromantic and asexual, and we're commonly called "aroace".

"Queerplatonic relationships can't include a sexual component."

Some queerplatonic partners may not have sex, but some may indeed have sex. Just like platonic friends can have sex. The qualifier to a queerplatonic relationship is simply that it is neither really romantic nor platonic. The sexual component isn't defined: it can be there or it might not be there.

"Aromantics are just players/users."

Some aros may just want casual sex. Why is this an inherently negative thing? Casual sex isn't a problem - a problem can be when people lie about wanting a romantic relationship in order to gain false consent to sex or when someone doesn't listen that you don't want anything beyond casual sex and has sex with you hoping that it will eventually romantically entrap you.

Beyond that, some aros are completely uninterested in sex and some aromantics are looking for some sort of long-term commitment, including committed sexual relationships.

"Aromantics are incapable of love."

Some aros are indeed incapable of love or otherwise don't relate to love (look into loveless and heartless aromantics if you are interested in learning more), but some do feel/desire love. Love exists in all sorts of forms, and beyond that: love isn't what causes you to treat other living beings with respect and compassion, which is something more people should be more worried about. Being loveless isn't inherently negative or harmful or bad. If you equate a lack of love with something bad/negative, then that's something you personally need to look within and introspect on. Love is a neutral concept. It can feel good to feel - but plenty of people can also give you ways in which it can be bad to feel. Other people not feeling love is in no way a threat to you.

"Aromantics are incapable of romantic relationships."

A romantic relationship is a romantic relationship because it's defined as such by the people in the relationship. Even amongst alloromantics, romantic relationships can vary greatly. Some people are very touchy-feely. Others don't enjoy touch much. Some people are very open with lovey-dovey words. Some people are very verbally reserved. While a certain attraction type might be important to someone in a relationship, what it comes down to is what each person in the relationship wants and consents to. If someone - alloro or aro - is okay with a romantic relationship where romantic attraction itself isn't or isn't always present, why is that anybody else's business? There is no one thing that is inherently romantic. Kissing can be platonic, sensual, romantic, sexual, and/or a combo of those things. What makes romantic kissing romantic is the intent/desire to label it as such. An aromantic person can certainly manage a romantic relationship if that is their intent/desire.

"Queerplatonic relationships are just friendships for people who desperately want to be queer."

Putting aside the fact that I don't know anyone who just desperately wants to be marginalized and maligned - so what if they are? People are creating new words to help them describe how they feel and connect with other people who relate. That's how language - and humans - work. Please take some time to consider why you are so threatened or upset by the idea of new types of relationships? It is likely that you simply don't understand and are angry with your own ignorance - and perhaps even close-minded about learning new things. If people felt friendship was an accurate description of what they wanted/had, then they would use friendship. It's okay to not understand what queerplatonic means. It's a very open, vague concept that is incredibly personal to each person to whom "queerplatonic" is meaningful. It means different things to different people. Someones queerplatonic relationship or desire for one in no way hurts or even impacts you. Why does it matter so much that people feel different ways than you?

"Only aros can have queerplatonic relationships."

Queerplatonic is an open term for anybody who finds it useful, including any and all non-aros. An aro and alloro person may have a queerplatonic relationship together. Two or more alloro people may have a queerplatonic relationship together. (Just like not all romantic relationships are just two people, qpps may be two people - or they may be more.)

"Sexual relationships can't be meaningful or important."

The way you feel is not the way all other people feel or are obligated to feel. If sexual relationships, especially without a romantic component, aren't important or fulfilling to you, then don't seek one. But sexual relationships are allowed to be important and meaningful to people, including aromantics, and they are certainly allowed to seek these relationships. Just because you don't want a certain kind of relationship doesn't make it unhealthy or invalid. People are diverse and have a diverse assortment of needs and desires. Not everyone wants the same thing, and they shouldn't have to.

Other Useful Terms/Ideas/Concepts to Know

Aromantic Styled Polyamory

While the focus of most relationships is on two and only two people, anyone can be polyamorous and there are many different types of polyamory which in particular may appeal to aromantics, such as solo polyamory. Don't assume that a partnering aromantic is only looking for a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Anarchy

In today's society, relationships are treated hierarchically. Committed romantic+sexual relationships are expected to be the most important relationship, then immediate familial, then friends/family, then other. Work relationships may even fall fairly high up on this list. Relationship anarchy is about discarding this hierarchy and making your own personal decisions on how important a relationship is to you.

Finally, the most important thing to know about how to support partnering aromantics is to know how to listen to them! Don't speak over them. Let them speak for themselves and help boost their voice. Different aros are going to have different needs. Different aros will have different things that are important to them and different ways they need to be supported. So always be willing to listen and learn new things.

Anything anybody else would like to add or even correct me on? Please, feel free!

[genderkoolaid]

as a monogamous aroallo person and an actual political anarchist I wish people would stop equating polyamory to aroalloness. I'm happy for and support polyam aros but it really feels like I'm being erased for being monog the same way some acearos erase aroallos for experiencing sexual attraction while aro. I'm so fucking isolated and to see someone speak authoritively on aroallo stuff and then say people like me are a minority who it's less cool to represent sucks.

I'm not the only monog aroallo person out and there were not even a minority, we just don't speak up because we face pressures from both monogamous and polyamorous people to change what we want out of sexual relationship and be quiet about our desires.

also like don't fucking shame hypersexual aroallos. what's wrong with you?

Okay. I was giving some pointers based on what I, personally, would like to see. I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear enough that mongomous aroallos exist and are good, but I figured that someone whose alloromantic- given that monogamy is the norm in society- would probably lean towards writing a monogamous character anyways, and since I am polyaro, I figured I would bring it up as an option to explore. I did not say or imply that monogamous aros are "less cool."

As for your second ask, this is verbatim what I wrote, with emphasis, since you apparently had a hard time reading it:

Some alloaros do enjoy sleeping around/casual sex. However, if your character engages in that, you should make sure they are a three-dimensional character who clearly has other interests and other personality traits, and is not defined by being hypersexual.

Saying that "make sure your aroallo character who enjoys casual sex is depicted as full human being with other interests, rather than making it seem like they only exist to be sexual" is "shaming" is ridiculous.

[aro-bird]

There's something just so frustrating with the aro and ace communities with people either constantly focusing on getting relationships or trying to find some sort of replacement for allo relationships. It's not directly said, but a lot of posts comes with it the implication that QPRs are a way to replace allosexual alloromantic relationships.

On one hand, I get it. It's a different way of experiencing relationships from what is expected of our allonormative and amatonormative society and that's absolutely revolutionary to redefine what is a committed relationship based on your own terms in a completely aspec way, but I do think there should be some self-reflection here. There's a lot of people just yearning for a partner whether it be a queer platonic one or otherwise or people venting about how they want a relationship so bad or how they'll forever be alone because they're aro and/or ace or within the aspec and it's honestly such a downer to see so many aspec people who are upset with simply being aspec.

Why do you want a qpr or any kind of partnership exactly? Do you truly want to pursue a relationship because it's your authentic desire to be with someone or do you only want a relationship to try to achieve a sort of acceptable normalcy to the rest of society? Are you truly unfulfilled unless you have a live-in partner that would support you in similar ways as a marriage or are you simply responding to amatonormative expectations?

I guess this is one of the tougher questions that aspecs have to deal with and it doesn't help that existing as a single person in society is deemed as weird, strange, and even lonely. It also doesn't help that society is actively harder to live in as a single individual in a practical way as well seeing as single-income households struggle to meet basic needs. That isn't even getting into how much amatonormativity is such an inescapable force that makes it extremely hard to unlearn.

I guess for anyone still reading this, try to reflect. Is getting a partner really what you want for yourself or is it simply a desire to fulfill amatonormative expectations?

[aro-culture-is]

Hey there. It's funny being (maybe) aro and in my late 30's. Like, it wasn't a term I ever heard until I'd graduated uni--I never had a word for what I was, I just knew even as a child that I never wanted to get married or have kids or live *that* life. I dated some in college, but I hated every minute of it. Realized I was only dating because I felt like I was *supposed* to, so I just stopped. Still, I hesitate to use the aro label because, well, what if everyone is right and I just haven't met the right person yet? I mean, here I am at Thanksgiving with the all family, and they're all like, 'Aww, you'll find someone soon, don't worry...' And I'm secretly like, 'I really hope not lol'. At least my parents are supportive. I mean, I doubt they even know what aro means, lol. But they never push me to date anymore. They've resigned themselves to having granddogs and nothing more lol.

Is this just how it is, though? Silently doubting because your experience is so different? Thinking maybe you just have commitment issues? I mean, the whole sugar-coated idea of romance in fiction and movies is great and everything, but in reality I'd rather be single and happy. lol

hi! so sorry for not responding... uhhh, last year when this was sent. but:

this is a super common experience for aro folks, particularly early in questioning / learning about their own experiences. I think it's also worthwhile to say that the majority of my peers began to regularly experience romantic attraction to a variety of people after approximately the age of 10. being in your late 30s and not liking people romantically ever, or only a few times, is not a typical alloromantic experience.

i also think it's important for anyone questioning in this way to understand that the aro community is very much not into hard boundaries around labels. aromanticism explicitly includes anyone who feels this label helps them - and even when I first started identifying as aro in 2014 or so, and could barely find any information on it, every aro post I came across even on Tumblr included that it was okay to identify as aro if you rarely experienced attraction. it isn't - and pardon the reference - all or nothing. some aromantic folks don't ever experience romo attraction, and some are on the aromantic spectrum in ways where maybe they feel that their life is not significantly different than that of an alloromantic person... and anyone along that entire range of experience is welcome.

honestly, the boundaries around our label are meant to be more like welcome gates.

so... welcome :) i hope this helps you or others in similar situations of questioning. i hope that however you feel now, you know that you are welcome to share in our label.

[maniackllrr]

How can you be aroace but also gay t4t? I'm genuinely curious. Please assume I know nothing about aspec community (because I really dont, other than asexual means someone doesnt like sex, and aromantic means someone doesnt like romance). I don't know what allo is even?! I haven't used Tumblr or any online social media for many years due to a mental health/personal crisis.

Also the reason I follow you is vaguely related to my mental health issues in a way? Bare with me.

I was trapped in a house with nothing but conservative people as my "support," and recently I broke free. And I mean FINALLY FUCKING FREE after 26 long years. My family actually broke me, and I didn't even see how bad it was until recently when I finally started to think for myself again. To make a long story shorter, I'd like to broaden my horizons by listening to more marginalized groups of people in general and changing who I am. :D

Thanks for listening 😎 I think you're awesome.

So aro & ace exist on spectrums. I’m fully asexual , and aromantic-spectrum. I don’t label myself other than “aro” tho, bc I don’t feel like using microlabels.

But, aroace people often engage in relationships despite being aroace. Some of us get into queer-platonic relationships or enter relationships and do not assign them labels.

I’m the second. I’ve been in a relationship 4 years now, but do not assign it any label side from “queer.”

And the official definitions are actually this; asexual - little to no sexual attraction & aromantic - little to no romantic attraction. Romantically, I fall into the “little” category. Sexually, I fall into the “no” category.

& “allo” is short for alloromantic & allosexual. Those words just mean “not aro” and “not ace.”

“Queer platonic” just means a committed, intimate relationship between two people that's not romantic in nature, but can include romantic components.

Tbh, I’m REALLY bad at explaining stuff :,) so id definitely check out the #aroace and #queerplatonic tags

And it’s important to remember each aroace persons position on the spectrum & experiences are different, so no two of us will have the exact same answers!

Also it’s super cool you’re free & trying to learn shout different groups! I definitely wish you luck on that journey !!

I grew up in a super conservative household, too. It was a horrible time.

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

the thing abt asexuality and aromanticism is that since unlike being gay or transgender they're usually defined by the absence of a feeling or desire rather than the presence of one, which often makes even people who are supportive of ace/aros categorize them separately and might think of them as missing out on something, but you really can enjoy being aro and ace in the same way you can enjoy having romantic and sexual attraction. i cant speak for people who are exclusively asexual, but as an aromantic person its really nice to be able to experience the freedom and independence that comes with being single without feeling like im waiting, wanting, or missing something. obviously alloromantics experience being single, but i can experience being single and feel comfortable and even happy about it being an indefinite or permanent state of being. i know there are a lot of very nice things about experiencing romantic attraction that i dont experience, but there are also really nice things about being aromantic that alloromantic people dont get to experience, so it isnt exactly totally defined by the absence of something like people tend to think.

[our-aplatonic-experience]

it's half a question n half a vent because am trying to figure out if my experience is aplatonic/in aplatonic spectrum or it has other reasons.

am autistic, have did (dissociative identity disorder) and avpd (avoidant personality disorder). tell this because it's important for this question. (also am semiverbal so sorry for poor grammar and probably poor wording).

am aroace. but have always thought that have platonic attraction. love seeing friendship in media. include friendship (or thing that i mistake as friendship, because of my weird relationships with relationships) in daydreaming. so at first time thought aplatonic is not abt me.

but. before coming to aroace label, thought am definitely alloromantic. then understood that have misunderstood romantic attraction. that people don't exaggerate their feelings in media n verbal descriptions. (know bad thoughts bad to think that someone is exaggerating but was child n thought abt it more like abt metaphors). n other things abt romantic attraction. so understood it's not abt me and came to label aro.

but what abt platonic attraction? am not sure can feel it.

never was good at befriending. all close people came to my life because we were in the same space. n usually they started communication. when i started communication it was because have some common work or interest. have general problem with communication. can't communicate not abt interesting topics n can't communicate without solid purpose. like "need to do this n that with someone so will communicate with them" or "interested in their experience/have shared interest with them so can discuss it". autistic thing. but maybe also aplatonic thing.

have difficulties with being actually emotionally close with someone. have low empathy. but can compass n can support. but usually feel like my vulnerable parts are behind barriers. like keep distance. like there's a barrier between me n them. have a window for communication, but other parts of me are closed. communication doesn't reach me inside. can't explain better. avpd thing n maybe did thing and n partially autistic thing. but maybe also aplatonic thing. have only one person with who am actually open as a whole. n it's abt trust, not abt feelings (but have feelings to him, just not sure what kind of).

can adapt to people leaving fast. mourning a couple of days, but after that feel nothing. like "okay, go on". forget them easily. did thing, but may be aplatonic thing.

have always worried abt being bad friend. because have difficulties with starting n supporting communication, with checking on people, with remembering abt them first. need to be asked to start communicating. or have to push myself. n it's not because don't wanna talk with them or not interested in. may be interested when already am asked. may feel good during all communication. just don't feel an impulse to start it. if know they are okay, may not communicate for really long time. autistic thing, but may be also aplatonic thing.

have always known that any kind of relationship for me will be less important than work. work may mean job, activism, n so on. may mean special interests. can live without close relationships n with little-to-no personal communication n be happy. but can't live without work. without doing morally important things for me. autistic thing, but may be also aplatonic thing.

definitely feel love. the reason why thought can't be aro and why doubt in aplatonic label. (not mean aplatonics can't feel love. talk abt myself only. am trying to figure our my own feelings. am not trying to police others' feelings).

but what kind of love it is? my love is big n includes a lot of things. love the universe. love chemistry. have cried because of plank's constant physical meaning. have cried because of how world is meaningful n beautiful in its meaningfulness. love logics. love words. really really love words because they are so meaningful. love understand things. love activism. love when someone is good. love that world is built to be good. love love love it all. and love people. because are also built to be good. because are so meaningful. because have done so many great things. because are so unimaginable. hard to explain, don't have better words. and love close people in somehow same way. because they are so adorable. because they are so complicated n so meaningful n so good n so great. like reflection of all beautifullness of the world.

love to them isn't unique for me. so it may be aplatonic thing. but may be autistic thing or just me being weird thing.

but close people are special to me. but is it in a platonic way? when become closer with someone, don't feel something special until reach some point. don't feel specific attraction. communicate abt our common themes. support when they need. may be interested in topics of our communication, but don't feel something special to them. n after some point, when start communicate more frequently, start to feel responsibility. like they are a part of my life. not random strangers. care abt them n their life. feel protectiveness to them personally. can't explain better. at this point used to consider people friends (ask them to be friends, yes i do this).

n there's another point after that one. when start to wanna invite people in my home. usually ask them to be in relationships (used to call these relationships queerplatonic). it's abt trust n abt influence (their influence on my life) n abt responsibility n protectiveness. so can reproduce "standart relationships forming" model: strangers – acquaintances – friends – partners. but in some non-standart way?

also need to mention that feel sensual attraction. n use it as indicator of getting closer.

when think abt it, understand that for me friendship is like alliance? like in adventure stories. a team of heroes who support one another and move together through the plot? it's like i see all of it friendship concept. they are my allies, my team, people who i care abt and who am responsible for. have strong feelings to them. but not sure these feelings look like platonic attraction.

my favorite form of interaction is when there's a small group of my close people who talk one another n me sitting with them, listening n sometimes comment or infodump. that's why like polyamorous relationships. (know every polyamorous relationships are different n they don't have to look this way. talk abt my experience n my wishes). always introduce my partners to each other n love when they become closer. don't push them, just look n hope. no enforcement. autistic thing (need support for communication) n avpd thing, but also may be aplatonic thing.

am not sure how to consider my feelings n relationships. am not sure why feel n act this way. am not sure if it's normal alloplatonic experience, normal alloplatonic neurodivergent experience, or aplatonic experience. don't know standards.

also fakeclaim myself. think that maybe am just trying to pick up new (for me) identity, just wanna be quirky, just overthinking n so on. but it happens with every identity n every diagnosis (including official ones). (don't mean self-diagnosis isn't valid just showing the depth of my denial because for me personally official diagnosis feels like approval. a big one. n i still can doubt n deny). (any fakeclaiming thoughts are directed only to me. i would never doubt someone's identity except mine. i would never think this way abt anyone except me. you all are valid n your all identities, including aplatonic one, are absolutely valid n i feel it as strong as possible).

thank you for reading this for so long. sorry if it was inconvenient. also thank you for this blog n thank you for sharing info n helping people to discover themselves n for being so cool.

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