#and I don't really want to remain in there for much longer cause my mental health is kinda getting worse the longer it goes on

[stardustfoundations]

.

[i-write-sometimes-maybe]

Nearly Defeated- Lady Lesso X EverTeacherFemReader!

Synopsis: You lost your magic, and without Lesso you don’t know what you would’ve done.

Warnings: Slight angst cause we’re a little emotional but no real warnings.

Word count: 2.9k

A/n: WOO! Another fic out! I’m so glad I can get more out for you guys. Also, thank you so much for all the likes and follows I’ve been getting! You have no idea how happy it makes me. I’m slowly but surely getting my motivation back after having my job destroy it. All likes, comments, and reblogs are welcomed!

©️This is my work, you have no right to repost my work for any reason without my explicit permission, all rights reserved.

☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎☁︎︎

It was three days ago. You know to the hour. Three days ago your powers, your finger glow, just stopped. Not sputtering, not weak, not temperamental, it's just gone.

You noticed when trying to use your magic for something small, you were too focused on the fact that your magic wasn't working to remember what you even wanted to do to begin with, and you thought that maybe it was just your magic deciding to be picky. So you tried it again on a different task, but the results were the same.

To say you were confused and upset was an understatement. You were feeling so many things and none of them were good feelings. As time went on, you became increasingly frustrated because you never realized just how much you relied on your magic.

You tried hiding not only your lack of magic use but also how you were feeling about the situation. And even though you were a teacher for The School of Good, your students didn't catch on. There were some questioning looks about your slight shift but none of them really cared too much to ask. You were able to hide it well enough from Dovey and Anemone, seeing as you really only saw them during meal times and you didn't need to use your magic during that.

However, the Dean of Evil wasn't convinced everything was fine. You knew she could tell that something was off, but didn't know what exactly it was. She's very observant so it wasn't all that surprising, and she's your girlfriend so of course she'll immediately catch on to the different moods that settled within you.

In your defense, you wanted to tell her, to see if maybe there was something she could do, but your worries told you it wasn't a good idea. What if she'd find you pathetic? What if she doesn't want to be with someone without magic? What if she finds you weak and no longer good enough to be with her? And those are the reasons you've kept a bit of distance.

And caught on she did. Lesso was mentally tracking the different occurrences of your mood shifts, just waiting to see if there was something specifically causing it or if you were just having a moody day. But once that 'moody day' was on day three, she knew something was wrong.

And that's what led you here. Lesso called you into her office. Of course, you knew the reason, you aren't thick. But maybe, just maybe, if you played dumb you could get away with not telling her.

Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was leaning against her desk in front of you.

You were twiddling your thumbs as both of you remained silent, waiting to see who'd break first. Lesso knew you'd be stubborn about this, but she wouldn't admit she finds it cute.

You pursed your lips when you saw her eyebrow raise and you knew she was beginning to lose her patience.

"Okay, out with it. What's going on?" She lowered her gaze in an attempt to pry it out of you.

And if you know anything from being with Lesso, the things she taught you, you'd never break that easy. And you both were well aware of that.

"I don't think I know what you mean." You remained nonchalant, not letting on to your frustrations with the situation.

"Baby, come on. I know something going on, or else you wouldn't be avoiding me." Damn her pet names for you.

Your facade faltered for a moment, briefly showing your panic, and Lesso saw it. She knew there was something wrong.

It was already hard enough to keep it from her, but seeing and hearing her concern was making it increasingly difficult.

She reached out for your hands in an attempt for comfort before you flinched away, you weren't sure why. This really confused Lesso.

But you couldn't hide it anymore.

You abruptly stood from the chair and immediately started pacing the room, the beginning of your tears weren't noticed by you.

"Leo, I don't know what to do! I-I've tried everything!"

She didn't want to admit it, but this whole situation and how you were acting, was really concerning her. But she didn't want you to know that, it may upset you further.

Lesso stood up, now facing you, "What? What happened, love?"

"I lost my magic! Leo... It's gone." A strangled sob came from you, finally letting out your annoyance.

"Wha- I'm sure that's not true." You stopped pacing and faced her, you knew she wasn't accusing you of lying but that she simply couldn't believe it.

You didn't look away from her eyes as you moved your hand to attempt to light her fireplace, nothing happening.

Then you walked over to her couch and to her constantly unorganized stack of books, the very one that she knows annoys the hell out of you and waved your hand over it. Nothing happened.

You turned back to her desk, your last move was an attempt to grade the sheets of paper that were askew on it. But nothing.

"Leo, I have no magic. It's gone. Nothing, not even a little bit." She could hear the annoyance in your voice, but she also heard the fear you were trying to conceal.

Your pacing picked up again, and you started rubbing your temples as the thoughts started racing and the tears started flowing again.

"I mean, you're the most powerful person I know!" You glanced at her with worry laced in your features. "What if I'm not good enough for you? Or- or what if you don't want to be with me anymore? I can't do anything anymore, I'm not good en-"

She grabbed your wrists to stop your pacing.

"Absolutely not. Y/n, no. That's my girlfriend you're talking bad about, and I won't let that slide," She tried to lighten the mood. "But don't think like that. Your abilities are not why I'm with you. I don't care if you have magic or not."

You looked at her with the tears streaming down your face, your mind was feeding itself with lies again, "You don't?"

She reached out and started drying your tear-stained face, "Of course not. I'm with you, because you're amazing,"

"But, I'm no-"

A playful smirk came to her face, "Evers and their need to be perfect at everything. To me," She pulled you closer to her body. "You are perfect as is."

"Besides, now you just have to come to me for help anyways." She loved when you came to her for anything, but especially when you needed help. You never asked anyone else for help.

Well, in all honestly, you never needed help. You just loved seeing how Lesso would light up every time you came to her for something.

"I don't know what to do." You planted your head into the crook of her neck, a sigh being emitted from you when she started rubbing your back.

"I'm not sure what we can do. How long has it been like this?"

"Three days..." You whispered.

"Thr- love, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

You felt a little ashamed for not coming to her sooner, "I don't know, I was kind of hoping it would've come back before you could even notice it was gone."

"Well, if waiting it out won't work then to the library we go." She gave no room for your response, instantly grabbing your hand and pulling you out of her office.

Once in the library, both of you began searching in any magic-related book for any possible solution. You thought your attempts were in vain, with nothing coming up that could at least provide information on why it happened.

Until Lesso found something.

The book summarized that although rare, it's possible to lose magical gifts. Some instances last a few days while others are more... long-term.

As Lesso read that you may have permanently lost your abilities, your worries returned but are now worse. Before you could spiral further, Lesso pulled you flush against her again.

"Love, hey, it says that permanent loss is the rarest case. We probably just have to wait a few more days. And in that time, we can do more research. Maybe even look to outside resources," She briefly scratched her nails on your scalp. "I fully believe they'll come back. We just need to be patient."

"But, I don't want to be patient! You have no idea how annoying it is to not have magic after experiencing the luxury of magic." You grumbled into her shoulder.

Lesso stifled a laugh, "Maybe not, but at least you're not doing this alone." She placed both of her hands around your head and positioned you to look at her, keeping her eyes locked on yours so you can see the sincerity of her words.

Of course, you knew she was being entirely sincere and honest, that's your Leo for you. No matter what you were experiencing, you knew you wouldn't be alone in it. Even if she had no idea what you were feeling, she would always try to make you feel better.

And she always did. There was just something about her that always made things better.

And something inside you told you that this would be no different.

"Thank you, Leo. I don't know what I'd do without you."

She smirked, "Oh, probably perish. Or-" You cut her off with a playful smack to her shoulder, lightly rolling your eyes.

You wouldn't tell her that she was probably right and definitely adorable.

"Okay, okay. You're welcome, my dove."

You bit back your smile and just pecked her lips again, moving to hide your face in her neck. There was no real reason for that besides the immense amount of comfort she brings you.

"But really, how long do you think it'll be gone?" Lesso let out a loud laugh at your question.

"I'm not sure, love. But you know dwelling on the fact you don't have it will make it seem longer."

"I know." You were well aware that you were pouting, but you didn't care.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been four more days. One week. One total week since you became magic-less. To your credit, you still tried to use your powers up until today. Just hoping that they'd come back by chance.

But they hadn't.

You spent most of today sulking, your hope becoming almost entirely diminished. And on top of that, you didn't feel good. Well, it's not like you felt sick, you felt strange. You couldn't get comfortable, no matter what you did. It was annoying and there was no way to describe it.

You just wanted to curl up next to Lesso on her couch and have her read to you while you watch the flames dance in her fireplace.

And that's what you've been doing for the last 20 minutes. Trying to get comfortable. You succumbed to your discomfort and gave in to thinking about your Leo. Your classes were done for the day so you had free time, but you knew that Lesso still had the things she needed to work on and wouldn't be done for another hour-ish.

But there was suddenly a shift, you felt even more weird than before, then something changed. You weren't in your classroom thinking about Leo anymore, now you were in her office.

She hadn't even looked up from her paper, your presence going unnoticed. You must've come in silently. But how the hell did you get in?

"What the fuck?" You were beyond confused, looking around and at yourself. You were entirely intact still.

You teleported. You teleported? You were never able to do that before.

Lesso startled in her chair, but she hid her reaction, not hearing you enter, "How did you get in here? My office was locked? I didn't hear you?"

Both of you looked at each other in disbelief at your sudden emergence.

"I- I don't know. One moment I was thinking of you, and the next I'm here."

She smirked, "You were thinking of me?"

You gave her a pointed glare, "I'm choosing to not focus on that right now."

"Right, right, right... so what did you do?"

"Nothing! I was just thinking!"

"And you were suddenly here?"

You shrugged, "Well, I mean I've felt strange all day but it felt even more intense just before I arrive here."

"Interesting. Have you tried your magic at all today?"

You lightly bit your bottom lip, "Uh, no."

"You were fully convinced you had lost your magic weren't you?" Lesso asked though it wasn't a question but a statement because she knew you all too well.

"Yes..."

"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Lesso stood up from her chair and started walking to you, confusion was evident on your face. "Try it out! Do something! Maybe you can do more than you could before!"

You thought about it, she had a point. Especially since you teleported into her office, you must have at least something back.

"Okay," You took this opportunity to reorganize her books, waving your hand in the direction of the stack by her couch.

You smiled in glee as the books replaced themselves on her shelf. A chuckle came from Lesso because, of course, she should've known that would've been the first thing you tried.

"Did you see that?!" You glanced back to Lesso but your excitement took over and your eyes didn't linger long enough to her her own excitement.

You decided to test her theory, maybe you could do more now. After all, you did get here just by thinking.

Leo watched you as intently as you were looking at her fireplace. You were thinking of nothing but lighting it. Your glare narrowed at the fireplace as you focused on lighting it. Just as you were about to give in and try your hand wave, it lit. It lit by you just thinking about it.

"Oh shit!" Your mouth was dropped open but the words didn't come from you.

Lesso almost couldn't believe it. And she wouldn't have if she hadn't just witnessed it.

"You just- with no- damn!"

Usually, you would've found her response funny if you weren't currently experiencing that exact response.

Just then, an idea popped into your head. You had plenty of time to figure out what all you could do exactly, but this? This you wanted, no need, to find out now.

You wordlessly walked up to Leo, her eyes curiously examining you, "You're not going to set me on fire next, right? I mean that would be totally badass but I'd rather you not."

You just chuckled and grabbed her hands, interlocking your fingers with hers, "No, I'm not going to set you on fire. I just, I have something I want to try?"

She looked between your eyes, both of you getting lost in each others, "Okay, anything."

Your grip on her hands tightened and you stepped closer to her, your eyes closing for a brief moment as you thought about where you wanted to go.

You had that weird feeling again and you opened your eyes, yours instantly locked on hers. And hers were locked on yours until you both looked around at where you now were.

The sudden breeze distracted you.

You were outside, in the gardens.

It worked. It worked? It worked!

"Yes!" You celebrated.

"You can relocate? Like, anywhere you chose? This, this is where you wanted to go right?" Lesso looked back at you.

"Yes! Yes and yes." The smile Lesso gave you made your heart swell.

She wrapped her arms around you and picked you up, instantly spinning you around.

"That's amazing! Dove, your powers are back. And better than before." She planted kisses all over your face, her happiness at your magic being returned matching yours.

"That's my powerful girl." Your cheeks reddened at her words until you got lost in the gleam that was sparkling in her eyes.

"Thank you, Leo. All thanks to you."

She looked at you with confusion, "As much as I'd love the credit for this, Dove, I've had no contribution to this. This was all you."

"Maybe, but you kept me hopeful and you stayed by my side. So, I have every reason to thank you too."

She smiled and leaned down to capture your lips with hers, all words and emotions being portrayed in it.

"But, I am curious to see what all you can do now."

And for at least the rest of the day, you tried seeing what all was different with your magic. Leo stayed by your side and supported you, but also curiously watched. Maybe with a smidge of envy too, she loved that you finally had the magic you deserved but a part of her wanted that too.

The main thing you noticed, besides the teleportation, is everything you could do with the wave of your hand before, you could do with a simple thought.

You knew you were going to have fun discovering all you can do, and with the new ease they have. But hands down the best part was being able to get to Leo as soon as you want, and being able to go anywhere you want, especially with her.

Yeah, you were gonna have fun.

🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮🝮

Taglist: @v3nusxsky @littledollll, this was in the works for a while so I hope you guys like it! <3

[winterchildd]

"My heart is split in half..."

Title: My heart is split in half...

Word Count: 1,663

Pairing: Kili x fem!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, tears, a little angry reader, sad reader and sad Kili, fluff, fluff, fluff, happy ending *w*

Request: Nop, I wrote this during my last influence to cheer me up a little, 'cause I was really in a bad mood, hopefully it will cheer you guys up too😚

Author's note: Don't have much to say about it to be honest, I just wanted it to be something simple, something sweet whit a little bit of angst and a lot of fluff to cheer up whoever needed it, plus Kili is the swetest of boys, we all deserve our little moment whit him 😗💕

Hope you guys will like it, and please always remember to take care of yourselves, your mental health matter as much as your physical health

Love you guys🌻

Masterlist

Y/N snorted throwing a disappointed look in Kili's direction, at the disgusted grimace that had taken place on his face as soon as he had swallowed the first bite of the stew she had prepared for dinner that evening, and that still, even though both had practically pretended to eat, made no sign of wanting to leave his lips. Absurd, she thought, looking at him grimly, she had spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen taking care of that stew, preparing it as he liked, following the recipe that Dìs had kindly passed her, she had taken care of every little detail, tasted constantly to be sure of the flavor, that she hadn't overdone the spices, and after all that effort she thought she deserved something more than a couple of tight smiles and grimaces full of disgust.

"Kili ..." she suddenly called him back, letting the spoon slip into her plate with an unnerved sigh, among what still remained of her meal, unable to bear that situation any longer

"I know I'm not the best cook in the world" she sighed again, finally drawing his attention to herself "That what I prepare for you has nothing to do with your mother's cooking, but this stew doesn't seem so terrible to me" she said nervously tasting another bite and throwing the spoon back into the bowl, this time badly "Not so much as to deserve that disgusted expression, not after all the time I wasted preparing it!" she spat angrily at him crossing her arms to her chest while as if to emphasize the anger that was boiling in her veins, she started rocking in her chair manteining balance with her heels.

"It's not the stew ..." Kili muttered with difficulty in a hoarse, almost dry voice, looking at her confused and a little incredulous, as if he didn't expect a similar reaction, not from her, not after the months in which, due to his work in the Blue Mountains, they had not been able to see each other, not when they were about to say goodbye again and for much longer "That's delicious, as always" he mumbled again, letting out a couple of coughs as he barely maneged to swallow up a sip of water "It's my throat" he resumed then massaging his neck with a grimace full of pain and discomfort "It hurts and…"

"And you struggle to swallow ...!" Y/N finished for him with wide eyes, inevitably feeling a fool for having yelled at him in that way and for such a stupid reason. Kili didn't answer her, at least not whit his voice, he just stretched his lips into a thin smile, nod his head and mimic a simple "I'm sorry" with his lips.

"No" Y/N replied immediately, waving her hands in front of her face in horror as she sat back down with embarrassment, with her hands placed on the table and her feet firmly planted on the ground "You don't have to apologize" she said getting up from her seat to reach him at the other side of the table

"I'm the one who has to apologize, I yelled at you for no reason" she continued "I wanted this dinner to be perfect, I wanted to welcome you with something special after all these weeks of distance, to make you feel at home before your leaving for Erebor, and the thought of having ruined everything has made me nervous, forgive me my love..." she added, looking down with embarrassment at the tip of her toes while with apprehension and a delicacy that, at that moment, to kili seemed from another world, she placed her hand on his forehead to check his temperature

"It doesn't matter" Kili replied, narrowing his eyes and letting out a sigh of relief as soon as Y/N's cool hand was on his forehead.

"You have a fever ..." Y/N mumbled with concern and surprise, throwing her hand away from his forehead, almost as if she had burned herself. A little annoyed, he wished he could have enjoied the pleasant coolness of her hand for a little longer, Kili let out a grunt.

"You need rest" Y/N told him, gently pulling away his hair from his sweaty forehead

"No" Kili mumbled in response, shaking his head "I don't feel like it" he added grabbing her hand and starting to absently fiddle with her fingers before leaving her a series of small kisses on the knuckles made rough by the years of work behind her. Y/N giggled shaking her head with feigned exasperation, softened and amused at the same time by the little pout that had curled his lips and that more than a fearsome dwarven warrior made him look like a capricious little child.

"You're sick" she told him "And in a couple of weeks you'll have to leave with your uncle for Erebor, if you don't take care of your cold now it will turn into something more serious, you risk to not being able to take part in the expedition" she pointed out then, passing with distraction and a sort of melancholy her hand in his hair, pausing for a few moments on the thin braid that dangled near his neck, identical to the one she too was hiding in her hair and which symbolized their story, the promise of a life together

"Erebor is your dream" she suddenly resumed, emerging from the trance in which she had fallen "It always has been" she said, decisively and melancholy intertwining her gaze with his "You can't put it at risk for such a stupid thing"

"I know ..." Kili sighed wile grabbing her softly by the waist, pulling her close to him "But at the moment my heart is split in half ..." he said, returning her gaze with lucid eyes, red and swollen with tears that were waiting for nothing but to streak his tanned face “I don't want to leave you…. Not for this long… ” he finally confessed to her with a strangled sob, sinking his face against her chest, holding her to him as if he didn't want to let her go. Struck by his words, with her heart thigt in a grip of pain mixed with despair and something similar, but much more melancholy than happiness, Y/N hugged him, kissing his head with affection while finally, just like him who had collapsed as soon as he had hided his face in the soft folds of her shirt, she allowed herself to shed all those tears she had forced herself to hold back in those days, in a desperate attempt to be strong and not let herself be devoured by despair.

What worried them, what anguished them so much, was not the thought of not being able to bear the distance that would separate them - both, for work, had always traveled a lot and for long periods - but the awareness that this time, unlike the others, they did not have the security that they could see each other again, that they could hug each other again and keep the promise that they had made to eachother. Erebor was a long way off, and the road to it was studded with dangers, dangers that no matter how skilled they might be in combat, none of Thorin's company was sure they could overcome. The thought of Smaug then, of his violence, of his wickedness, gave her chills, and yet, despite this, aware that those who were about to live could have been their last days together, as much as she really wanted to be selfish and begging him to stay safe next to her, Y/N did not feel like asking him to give up what had been his dream since childhood.

"I don't want you to leave ..." she suddenly said through tears, breaking the silence that had surrounded them with her own voice "I'm afraid that something could happen to you, I'm afraid of never seeing you again" she added moving away from him just enough to be able to look into his eyes, gently grasping his face in her hands "But I can't ask you to give up everything for me. You never did such thing whit me, you have always let me free to follow my heart" she continued, wiping the tears from under his eyes "I want to do the same for you, I want you to feel free to follow your heart, to fight for what you believe in" she finished, giving him a sad but equally sure smile.

"Thank you ..." Kili answered gently caressing her face "Thank you" he repeated again holding her close to him "Thank you for the freedom you leave me, for the understanding you show me and for your support" he said while his eyes turned lucid again for the emotion he was feeling "I'll come back" he resumed then looking at her with decision "I'll come back to you and we will get married, we will live the life we have always dreamed of and then there will be nothing to divide us" he promised, giving her a radiant smile full of hope.

"I believe you" Y/N replied smiling at him through her tears "I know you will come back to me" she added again drying her tears with the sleeve of her shirt, letting out a little tremulous laugh "But now come and rest" she continued happily kissing his forehead "You have to rest to recover, otherwise the disease will prevent you from leaving" she giggled, holding out her hands and beckoning him to follow her.

This time, unlike the previous one, Kili did not protest, he firmly grabbed her hands and, staggering a little, he allowed her to escort him to his room. He let Y/N help him settle under the blankets, let her place a cool cloth on his forehead and then, exhausted, lulled by the gentle sound of her heartbeat, he fell asleep.

[blueberrybladelemonade]

Comfort in You

Summary: You have a bad day and you go lay in bed with your thoughts. You forgot Peppino would be coming over today.

(Also a rare instance of YOU getting the comfort this time :3 )

Your eyes drifted absently over the assorted teas and coffee in the opened cabinet. It was then that you realized you didn't even remember boiling the water or opening the cabinet in front of you. Only that you entered the kitchen. You shook your head and rubbed your eyes, grabbing the nearest tea bag to drop in the hot water.

Your mind drifted lazily to a different line of thought. A prickling sensation made its way into your throat. You reflexively clenched your teeth to choke those feelings back down into your churning stomach.

You returned back to your bedroom, where your clothes from earlier today covered the floor. With a lazy kick out of the way you set your cup onto the end table. You made a mental note to pick those up later as you let your body collapse into the bed. The strain in your muscles, the tension, and anxiety, slowly began to melt as you lay against the cool fabric.

Despite this you didn't feel more relaxed. If anything, you felt empty. Cold. A shiver ran through as you body as you pulled the covers over yourself. With a flick of your hand, the lamp on your nightstand turned off.

Why can't you keep it together? Look how emotional you are. My God you're pathetic.

You squeeze your eyes shut so that the stinging tears don't escape. You shift and roll yourself into the sheets, holding it together. As if holding you together, as if it would contain the broken pieces of you.

Your mind drifted back to today. Was it today? Or had it been longer that you felt so empty? You replay what had caused you to feel so miserable. As your mind settles on that moment, you're unable to tear your thoughts away from it. You lost track of time as you lay in bed in that relentless loop. If you had drifted in and out of consciousness, you couldn't say. 

The bedroom door creaks, making your eyes snap open. 

"Y/N"? You hear a familiar voice. His voice. 

You grimace, feeling your body grow heavier. You were supposed to cook together today, you had completely forgotten. Should you pretend to be asleep?

Tentative shuffle of footsteps grew nearer, as did Peppino's voice. "Are you ok"?

You shrink into yourself, feeling your stomach drop, silently hoping that he would leave. But small part of you also didn't want him to. You didn't want him to see you like this. Frozen to the mattress, you stared vacantly at the wall your back remaining turned to him.

Your mouth parted slightly, then closed. You weren't really sure what to say. It felt as if a part of your essence was fading out of your body. " 'M fine, just tired." You lied, not wanting him to worry. 

Peppino quirked an eyebrow, observing your unmoving form with concern. Your usual demeanor was replaced with a much quieter, somber one. At your side you feel the bed sink with a new weight. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks gently. 

The feelings locked themselves firmly in your throat. You tried to swallow, but it felt like you couldn't function. The lump in your throat throbbed dully and each breath sent a tingling sting to your hands. 

With a shaky breath you force yourself to sit up, folding your trembling hands into your lap. When you only respond with silence, not evening looking at him, Peppino's gaze immediately softens. Noticing the pure sadness radiating off of you and the disheartened look across your features.

You peer over at him with moistened eyes, "I... don't know?" you answer before hanging your head low again. 

Peppino takes your hands, kissing them as he tells you it's alright. He opened his arms, mumbling a gentle "C'mere". You lean into him, which he responds by wrapping his arms around you. In another movement Peppino gently pulled you into his embrace, cradling your body against his. You nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck. 

"I've got-a you." He whispers next to your ear. 

" 'M sorry. It's stupid".

“It might-a be to you, but not to me". 

You don't remember when the first tear fell, just that your sounds came out muffled. What came out was nearly unintelligible while the voice in your head continued to berate you. 

Why are you like this? 

You were shushed as Peppino held you tighter, giving you the most secure and loving hug he could. "It's-a gonna be ok". 

No matter how much you feel like you aren't, no matter how much your mind tells you that you aren't. 

You inhale shakily before relaxing against him, his scent soothing you. A hint of bodywash still clung to his skin with a hint of sweat from the day. The familiarity put you at ease nonetheless, feeling your tension ever so slightly ease up as you clung to him. 

Peppino pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head. You duck your head lower, burying your head into his chest, trying to absorb more of his warmth, clutching onto him as if to convince yourself that everything will be okay. He's so warm and you can feel and hear him breathing.

"You can-a talk whenever you feel like it, mia cara." The words fall from his lips in a murmur before Peppino begins soothingly running a hand up and down your back, placing another kiss on the top of your head. Tears well up in your eyes from all the emotions you’ve bottled up throughout the day. 

What felt like hours passed by. Peppino engulfed you in a comforting hold as you cried into his chest, rubbing your back as the emotional dam broke. As your tears begun to taper off, a pain pounded inside your head. 

You were so grateful to have Peppino, who loved you with everything in him. He would always be here to remind you that you can and will get through it. That you'll be ok. 

You tilt and lean your head up. Just enough to catch his lips in a slow soft kiss, a silent way of conveying you loved him, to thank him for being in your life. When you both break away, you settle your head back against his shoulder.

Peppino speaks up again, his gaze drifting to your nightstand.

"How about I-a make soup? Would you like that mia cara"?

You turn to look at him, giving a silent nod. "Can I help?" You mumble into his shirt. 

"Of course." He replies, pulling a tissue from the nearby box, handing it to you. As he helps you to sit up you exhale sharply. 

"I’m sorry you have to deal with me when I’m such a mess.” you say, guilt filling your voice.

Peppino trailed a hand down your arm, stopping at your hand to gently squeeze it. “Cara, you’re not-a mess. Everyone has-a bad days. I’ll still be here for you." He pulls you closer, his breath tickling your cheek as he places a light kiss against it. "Always".

[merakiui]

Hooooooooly crap your latest Azul fic is probably the most intense, jaw-dropping roller coaster ride I've ever been on. Like oh my gosh, starting it off with such a suspenseful scene was such a good way of getting the reader's attention- not to mention the spiral as to how it even gets to that point. The in-betweens were so fucking good!

Absolutely obsessed with the way you describe the scenery and the inner turmoil, like it's so poetic and just creates such a delicious imagery!! The fluffiness in the first vow was soooo tooth rottingly sweet- Like holy crap got me giggling and kicking my feet over here. I absolutely adore the way you wrote the mc, especially with how well she was at handling Azul's negativity and self-deprecation at the start. Just the way you're able to make the reader's feel the same way as the mc- I was SEETHING. The amount of times I got so frustrated with Azul- Especially with how he tried to get her to stop working, like dawg, she's doin' it cause she likes it, JUST LET HER HAVE THIS ONE THING

I was so glad when mc called it off when she did, cause ain't no way Azul was talking about some "You don't care for me as much if I'm healthy" LIKE WTF ARE YOU SAYING?? LITERALLY RIPPING MY PILLOW TO SHREDS RN

Aaaaaaa and oh my gosh the way mc just snaps- just says 'fuck it' and just lets everything out was so satisfying yet also so scary cause like- bro's definitely not gonna just accept that. Holy crap the bits of dialogue as he realizes mc was leaving- I can't. I'm not okay. Like the build up?? Like we know what's about to happen, but the way we see his perspective as it's about it happen- My mouth is agape. Eyes bulging out of skull- THAT WAS SUCH A GOOD SCENE!! Actual chills

Ending it on the hospital scene as his mentality just reverts back to how things were before her- Ugh... I can't- I can't function anymore. I have never been gagged so much by fanfic- like the life has been sucked out of me in the best way possible

Definitely will be re-reading, there's no way I could be fine with reading it only once

Such a satisfying conclusion too- like oh my gosh <3

OMG OMG THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH AAAAAAAAAAAA (≧◡≦) ♡

I wanted it to feel like a fic that suffocates you with sadness and emptiness while you're reading it, so opening with the aftermath of the murder felt appropriate! It sets such a haunting mood because you don't quite know why Azul did this or what happened for things to turn out this way (until you read the end of the fic), which only makes it more unsettling the further you read.

:D I'm so happy you enjoyed many aspects of the fic, especially the short-lived fluff in the beginning! I think that was my favorite part to write out of everything (although the hospital scene is a close second). Azul and Reader were so genuinely cute together in that scene. T_T if only it could be like that always...

And I'm especially happy you liked the way I wrote the reader's character here!!!! I wanted her to be more in tune with emotions than Azul is because it felt like a nice contrast to the very out-of-control, emotional Azul. She's honestly such a sweetheart who is just trying her best to be genuinely kind and loving despite the situation. Azul is so frustrating here, so the fact that Reader could remain patient and gentle throughout six entire years of their marriage... It felt satisfying to write her finally snapping at him, so I'm glad that was a scene you could enjoy! I liked switching perspectives partway through as the focus strays from the subject of Reader and her bringing up the divorce to Azul's disturbing behaviors as he begins to lose himself to his fears and insecurities. And then he just shuts off and tragedy ensues. >_< it's heartbreaking and scary and so many other unfortunate things!!!

And the hospital scene oooooo yes yes!!!!! Azul's psychology in this fic is so fascinating to me. He really did mean it when he said the reader was his world, so with her no longer in it his entire existence undergoes this drastic shift and suddenly he's not whole. He's lost a vital part of himself, the part that felt loved and appreciated, and so now he's back to floating through life with this lonesome emptiness and self-hatred. Now the world is small and devoid of color. Now it's just monochrome and cold.

Aaaaaaaa I loved writing him in this state of slow, uncertain delirium and the way he panics when the nurses won't answer his questions. I also greatly enjoyed writing him using the phrase "my wife" over and over because Reader is no longer just her own person to him. She's Azul's. His wife. And then there's also the symbolism in Azul killing Reader and knowing that no one else will have her ever again and that, because he got to take her life for himself, it will be no one else's. It's not even Reader's anymore.

Forgive my ramblings!!! I'm just very happy to know you liked the fic and that you will be reading it again!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!! 💖

[zoeykallus]

Love your HCs!! Can you write one of the bad batch + Rex + Maul love runs into an abusive ex. Angst and a happy ending

Mhm, good one. Let me see...

Well, how do you define happy ending?

The Bad Batch/Rex/Maul x Fem!Reader HC's - A Ghost From The Past

Warnings: Hurt/Angst/Mention Of Abuse/Protective Partner/Comfort/Mention Of Mental And Physical Abuse/ Violence/Strong Language

_________

Initial Situation:

You see someone you haven't thought about for a while. In fact, you have completely repressed their existence, not expecting to ever see them again. Some time ago, this person wronged you in many ways, mentally and physically. You tense up, your body automatically adjusts to flight or fight. Your heart beats way too fast and hard in your chest. As the person turns in your direction and looks directly at you, panic tightens your throat. He looks directly at you, and you can no longer avoid a confrontation.

_________

Hunter

He senses right away that you are afraid. Immediately, he scans the surroundings, but sees nothing that could have caused your reaction. Then he notices this one person you are looking at, who is also looking at you.

"What's the matter, Cyare? Who is this?"

You shouldn't be surprised that Hunter knows something is off.

"My Ex"

Hunter is surprised. He can't remember you ever told him about an Ex partner of yours. He wonders why you would be so afraid of this person.

"Did he hurt you?", he asks, fists already clenched.

You try to avoid the subject and situation.

"Can we go another way?"

Again he is surprised. You are not just a little bit scared, you are tense as if fearing for your life. That alone makes him want to hurt this man who's still looking at you.

"Please, Hunter", you say with a shaky voice when he doesn't answer right away.

Hunter snaps out of his thoughts and nods.

"Of course"

You two turn around, when you hear that voice, that one voice you never wanted to hear again.

"Y/N, is that really you?"

You say to Hunter, "Keep walking..."

Hunter has to fight the urge to turn around and wring this guy's neck. He keeps walking with you, but he remains alert for a possible attack.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, bitch"

That's it! Hunter turns around, shoving you behind him, he positions himself in front of the man. He can very clearly sense your sheer panic and the urge to kill rises.

You feel close to cry and try your best not to.

"What did you just call my girl?", Hunter mutters.

Suddenly feeling not so eager anymore, your Ex asks, "What?"

"You heard me", Hunter growls.

It's obvious your Ex is not exactly willing to deal with Hunter.

"Well, I call her that all the time, it's kind of a running gag, between us"

Hunter scoffs, "I doubt that"

You say very quietly, barely more than a whisper, "I just want to leave"

Hunter takes his com and contacts Echo, "Hey Echo, do me a favor and come to pick up Y/N, as fast as possible, at my coordinates"

Echo doesn't ask questions, he heard the urgency in Hunter's voice.

"On my way!"

You want to ask Hunter to come with you, but something about him scares you. You feel the tension under his surface. Echo arrives quickly, the Marauder isn't that far away, Tech is with him. Probably heard the message as well.

Echo grabs your hand, softly, and smiles at you.

"Come on ad'ika"

You broke out into cold sweat, your back is tingling uncomfortably. Echo and Tech get you away from the scene.

You don't see Hunter beating the shit out of your ex, hard enough that even his own mother would barely recognize him again. You don't need to tell Hunter what happened back then, he sensed clearly how much fear this one person triggered in you, that's more than enough for him to know he deserved the beating Hunter gave him.

Tech later tends to Hunter's bruised knuckles and Hunter keeps on his gloves, so you don't see them. He is your soft Hunter again as he approaches you after the incident. Of course, you can guess what he did, but you don't ask him about it, you just lean into his embrace when he softly wraps his arms around you.

Echo

As you stop in your tracks, Echo looks at you puzzled.

"Mesh'la? What's wrong?"

He can see how tense you are and wonders what's going on.

"You don't feel good?"

You gulp and look at Echo.

"Can we go back to the others? Back to the Marauder, I mean"

Echo frowns, "But we just got here. Didn't you want to look for a dress?"

"I don't feel so well. Can we go back, please"

"Of course, I'm just wondering-"

"Hey, Y/N", a stranger, interrupts Echo by calling you.

Echo gives you a concerned sideways glance when he hears you mutter, "Well, shit"

Slowly but surely he understands, you didn't want to meet this person. You've been trying to avoid this man, that's why you wanted back. Much more vigilant now, Echo turns to look at the guy and have an eye on what he's doing.

"You are awfully pale. Seen a ghost", the stranger mocks you.

"Let's go", you say to Echo again.

Your Ex snaps, "What? Why? That's just rude"

"Leave me alone", you say and turn around.

Echo can guess where this is heading, and he feels anger boiling up in him. When your Ex grabs for your arm, Echo snaps out of his idle state, shoves the guy away from you and positions himself between him and you.

"Don't you, ever, touch her again", Echo rumbles.

"Cool it! This doesn't concern you"

Echo says, "Yes it does, if you try that again, I'll kick your rude ass"

"I just want to talk to her"

"And she doesn't want to talk to you, so you won't talk to her", Echo says calm, yet menacingly.

Echo gets the guy to finally leave, and you two go back to the Marauder for now. But when he asks you who he was and why you are so tense and scared about him, he regrets not having kicked your Ex's ass. Echo is determined to "talk" to this man again, as soon as possible, without your knowledge.

Wrecker

He is in a good mood, and so were you just a moment ago. But suddenly something changes and Wrecker senses it right away. You tense up next to him, your hand in his, suddenly clings to him shakily. He looks to his side where you stand, seeing how you stare at someone he doesn't know. You look like you've seen a ghost.

"Mesh'la?", he asks softly, "Are you okay?"

You need a moment to reply, "Can we go back?"

He's confused, but he doesn't question your motive, you seem stressed, that's enough reason for him to do you that favor. As you both turn around, Wrecker sees in the corner of his eye that the man you stared at started moving in your direction. Reacting like a soldier to a possible threat, Wrecker hastily turns around again, shoving you behind him.

He guesses this man is not a stranger to you. He saw how you looked at him, and Wrecker knows you are afraid of him. Wrecker doesn't ask you, but asks your Ex, "Who the hell are you and what did you do to her?"

Your Ex is surprised to face the angry giant and of course isn't very keen on getting into trouble with Wrecker, no one would be.

You say quietly, "He's my Ex"

Wrecker asks, grumbling, "He mistreated you, didn't he?"

As you see how nervous your Ex looks at Wrecker, you start to feel much safer and a little bold too.

"Yes, he hurt me. In more than one way", you say, and part of you wants Wrecker to get angry.

You feel that you are entitled to something like compensatory justice. This is the moment when you could get just that. Your heart is beating incredibly fast, but it's not just fear anymore, adrenaline and a certain excitement are also part of it now.

Wrecker swings and grabs so fast that his opponent doesn't have time to react. Wrecker has grabbed him by the neck, your ex, grasping in panic at the strong arm holding him, completely futile.

"I should just squeeze and break your neck," Wrecker growls."

Startled, you look at Wrecker. You didn't expect him to go that far. Wrecker certainly has the desire to hurt this guy, but he's sensible enough not to kill him. He squeezes a little, the guy can be afraid, he thinks to himself, after all, he scared you too.

Wrecker looks at you, you know there's a lot of anger bubbling under the surface, but he's gentle as he speaks to you, "Do you want me to punish him?"

You say, "I have to admit, the thought is tempting. But I wouldn't be any better than him if I asked you to do it"

Wrecker sighs softly but nods.

"But you'll forgive me if I want to punish him?"

You hesitate, but nod.

Wrecker smirks and throws your Ex right into a stand with spiked fruits. You can't help but giggle to see your abuser, curse and whimper, contort his face in pain, trying to pick the fruits off of himself and some spikes that broke off the fruits shells, some of which in the crotch area.

Wrecker walks you back to the Marauder and says, "I have to admit, I wanted to hurt him more, but that was pretty fun too"

Tech

For once, he doesn't have his holopad in hand. It's on his belt. You asked him to keep it like that for a little while. He sees right away that something is off.

"Cyare? What is it?"

"My Ex", you whisper. Can we go back, please?"

Tech looks at the man who makes you so nervous. He turns around with you, to walk you back, and asks, "What happened? You seem to be really scared of him"

You shake your head and say, "He's a very mean person, toxic. He treated me poorly, to put it nicely."

Tech tenses up next to you. Hastily, you grab his arm and pull at him.

"Don't Tech, let's just leave, please"

He sighs, but does as you ask him to. He throws a look over his shoulder to get a good look at the man. Back at the Marauder, Tech softly asks, "What did this man do to you, Cyare? Is he the reason you were so nervous about every touch in the beginning of our relationship?"

Tech remembers how jumpy and retreated you've been in the beginning, how long it took for the at first very shy Tech to actually get close to you instead of the other way around.

"Yes", you sigh, "Please don't ask any more about this, seeing him today was trauma enough for one day"

Tech nods, slowly, not showing at all what he feels right now.

"Of course, Cyare, I won't mention it again, I promise"

Later that night, though, Tech makes sure Echo distracts you for a while so he can leave the Marauder. He goes back to the market in search of your ex. He finds him quite quickly and follows him for a while until he retreats into a side alley. There Tech approaches him, gives him an electric shock and bends over him.

"You're only temporarily paralyzed. For now," Tech says calmly and coldly.

He pulls something out of his pocket, a holo-image of you, and holds it up to him.

"You remember this woman, don't you? Good. She remembers you, too, I'm afraid."

The man's eyes on the ground twitch back and forth, but the rest of his body is paralyzed for the moment.

"I can hurt you in ways you probably can't even imagine. And I'm really really angry right now," Tech speaks, his calm tone of voice masking his state of mind.

But something about this calm way of saying these things is even more intimidating than if he had yelled at the man.

Tech shocks the man one more time.

"Well, a punishment is in order and also a warning," he says, shocking him again.

The smell of urine rises to Tech's nose; the man has peed himself.

"Oh good, I see we understand each other. So if you come near her again, scare her or even look at her the wrong way, I will slowly torture you to death"

Tech smiles and adds, "And I'm really very good at it. My mind is extraordinary, I know things about torture and pain, things that if you knew, would probably drive you insane."

Tech pulls a knife from his belt and places it on the chest of the man on the ground. He cuts off the buttons of his shirt, applies the blade and carves the word 'Abuser' deep into his skin. This would give a scar, a scar that would directly show any woman who ever got involved with him who she was dealing with.

"That's a bit middle-aged, but you act like it, so I guess it fits. In the old days, on some planets, people were marked that way, branded, so to speak. I think it's quite appropriate in this case."

Tech cleans his blade on the man's shirt and stands up. He looks down at his handiwork and says, "If you're thinking about going after her and me, or assaulting her with the help of others, go ahead. Just another reason to make good on my threats, of which I can barely restrain myself anyway. You'd be surprised how much backing Y/N and I have. She is no longer alone, if you hurt her, you will have to deal with me."

Crosshair

He is a very alert fellow, he notices immediately that you are tense. His hand automatically goes to the blaster on his belt and his gaze searches the surroundings.

He finally sees the one guy looking at you, who you also seem to be looking at. Crosshair has never seen you scared before, at least not like this.

He hears you say, "Can we leave again, please?"

He chews thoughtfully on his toothpick, but nods.

"Sure, Kitten."

Back at the Marauder, Crosshair takes Echo aside, he knows he's your best friend, and you open up to him more than him in many ways because you don't want to look weak in front of Crosshair. That's nonsense, of course, he likes being your protector and cares about you, he's just not as open with it as others.

Crosshair tells Echo what happened and asks him what he thinks.

"It could only have been her ex, as far as I know, that's the only person she's really afraid of," Echo speculates.

Crosshair frowns.

"Her ex is an abuser? She never told me that."

Echo scratches the back of his head and sighs, "She'd probably be pissed if she knew I told you. She doesn't want you to see her through different eyes, that's why she didn't tell you"

"Why would I see her differently because of that?"

Echo shrugs and says, "Those were her words, not mine."

Crosshair spits out his toothpick and pops another one in his mouth before asking, "How bad was it?"

Echo sighs heavily and says, "Very. It was mental and physically. He is a toxic sadist with a tendency to violence."

"Hmm"

"You are going to do something stupid, aren't you?"

"Of course"

You never find out what really happened, you just know that your ex will never cross your path again and no one else has ever seen him again after that evening.

Rex

He immediately notices that something is wrong. Quite the protector, he pushes you behind him, it's almost like a reflex, and searches the surroundings with his gaze. His behavior has attracted several pairs of curious eyes, so he can't tell for sure if you're being watched by someone in particular.

He murmurs questioningly to you, "What has frightened you so? What's wrong?" Without taking his eyes off the surroundings.

"Let's just go"

"Go where? Back? Why? Come on, Cyar'ika, talk to me. What's going on?"

"I'm scared and I want to go, isn't that enough?" you ask shakily.

Rex sighs but finally wants to give in. But as you turn and walk back, someone approaches you from behind. This person grabs your shoulder, but Rex intercepts his arm before he can touch you, twists it and forces the man to his knees.

"Who the hell are you!"

You feel paralyzed, staring at the image in front of you of Rex holding your ex at bay. It's a surreal image, but it's strangely comforting. This man had always seemed so dangerous and overpowering to you, but here and now you see that Rex, the man who loves and protects you, is more than a match for this person. This has a calming and somehow also gratifying effect.

"That's my ex-boyfriend," you say calmly.

Rex frowns. He tries to piece together all the circumstances. He realizes that your fear was because of this man, and his imagination goes crazy as he tries to figure out why. Rex pushes the man flat on the floor with a jerk, kneeling on his back to hold him down, his arm still twisted behind his back.

Rex looks up at you and asks, "You're afraid of him? He hurt you, didn't he?"

You nod silently. Admitting it is a strange feeling, but you trust Rex.

Rex turns the man onto his back, grabs him by the collar and presses him further onto the floor. Hovering over him, he says threateningly, "You made a real big mistake there."

"I can explain!"

"I don't need explanations from you, they're obsolete. You will now formally apologize to her, after which you will pack your things, leave this planet and never come back."

"But"

Rex squeezes.

"'But' is an inadmissible word"

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I promise I won't come back, I promise I'll stay away"

Rex asks you, "Have his promises ever been worth anything?"

"No," you answer truthfully, "But right here, right now, he might be telling the truth for the first time."

Indeed, you never see him again. Rex is determined, should that ever change, to make sure he never gets the chance to break his promises again.

Maul

He senses your restlessness in the Force. He frowns in surprise; he is actually not used to fear from you, especially not to this extent. His gaze wanders in the direction you are looking, and he discovers the man who awakens this fear in you.

Maul doesn't think long, with the force chokehold, he grabs the person and pulls him out of the crowd towards him. The people hastily retreat to safety, not wanting to have anything to do with what is happening.

Your heart races. You're not surprised at how quickly Maul spotted it and picked out the right person. You know how observant he can be.

He forgoes many words, it's enough for him that you are afraid, it's enough for him how deep and intimate this fear is that he feels emanating from you. No words are exchanged, no questions asked or threats made. He breaks the neck of the man with the Force and lets him fall dead to the ground. After that, he gently grabs your hand as if nothing had happened. It's a surreal feeling, but you feel safe at his side, not questioning Maul's actions.

He leads you away from the market, to a quieter area.

You look at each other. You can hardly withstand his penetrating gaze, but he puts a finger under your chin and gently lifts it. You're grateful and terrified, at the same time, at what's happened.

"You will never have to fear this man again. You will never have to fear anyone again, I will make sure of that."

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@puppetswithteeth

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

[nabaath-areng]

I feel so strange thinking about how I considered myself "new" in FFXIV for the longest time, as when I started playing there were so many legacy players around. I saw their mounts and their titles, I talked to them, played with them, and to me they were the experienced ones teaching me how to play my first MMO. For years I considered myself a newbie.

And then, just the other day, I see in the chat of an FC I was invited to on an alt, people talking about having played for a long time, and their longest playing member having been around for 5 years. It hit me just how long of a time that is, and how much longer passed before I'd even realized it.

I ask others if they remember various things from the past, and I can count on one hand the amount of people I meet in recent years who do. So many things I still consider new and flashy, like Gpose and job gauges for instance, have now been in the game far longer than they have not. It's a strange situation caused by me losing about a decade's worth of memories and life (due to mental health issues that practically broke me) as well as the normal feeling ot time passing without me really thinking about it. Less and less did I see the legacy titles and mounts, but I didn't pay much heed. Until one day I suddenly stop and look around, realizing that I haven't seen any legacy players at all for a while. I'm certain they're out there, but most likely not in the same sheer abundance as before.

It's a bit similar to real life, where my home was once just an old, secluded village that have now become geographically closer to the city without ever moving. Where the others I used to surround myself with have all moved on in slow trickles over the years, and where I cannot expect everyone to remember the same things that I do. So many new people everywhere, some that cause lines in the grocery store that can afford to keep running after all these years, and some that fail to load in on my weak little laptop's screen.

It's like I have two homes mirroring each other, and obviously that means I age in both of them. I bought this game as a gift for myself on my 18th birthday... and here I am 10 years later, turning 28 today, and realizing that I'm still here in both places despite everything. Waiting for another expansion all over again, just like when I was staying alive just because I wanted to play Heavensward so bad.

I can't even begin to count just how many people I've known and interacted with throughout the years in this game. There are memories that my years of paranoia and psychosis stole from me (something which I only shook off the last remnants of half a year ago), of people who I know were important to me but who I'm also unable recall much about beyond their names, which is something which fills me with both deep shame and sorrow. Some I remain in touch with to this day, and some I am mutuals with on various sites, even if we don't chat regularly anymore.

There's a lot that I don't remember, or that I even memorized in the first place. Things have changed time and again for both better and worse. But FFXIV has remained a constant throughout it all, even when I've been unsubbed due to lack of a PC and just on a general break.

I don't know what my point is with all of this really, but I guess I just really wanted to get it off my chest. It's not all sunshine and rainbows these days either, but my mental health is better than it's ever been, I have a partner and friends and family who all mean the world to me, and even though some things will forever be less than ideal, I am so so so happy that I didn't give up. Staying alive really was the best decision I ever made ❤️

[writersmilex]

Addressing The Wound

James Sunderland X Fem | Reader

Summary: James' other companion, (Y/n) is so attentive and supportive to him it grants him a newfound pinch of hope. That hope grows when she saves his life...

Attention!: Mentions of Blood/Injury, Suicidal Idioligy. Read at your own risk ____________________________________

It was that bloody postcard that brought (Y/n) here.

And she had never imagined she would ever patch an injury for a mentally unstable man that she had just met while defending herself from horrible monsters out to get her, or at least to hinder her from getting to her goal. Joining up with James was never the official plan. However, being along with all those monsters is not ideal either.

James doesn't react when (Y/n) cleans the gash on his arm with rubbing alcohol, he is merely lost in his mind, staring blankly into the furthest corner of the dimly lit infirmary.

" you should watch yourself, James." (Y/n) scolds quietly while dressing the wound with bandages, she was lucky to have found some on the desk in this medical room.

"You don't have to do this…" he tries to dismiss his well-being again, which doesn't sit very right with her. "But I want to do this. You took a hit for me, it's customary that I return the favour." She replies with an almost stubborn tone.

The injury is now neatly dressed and (Y/n) whipped James' blood on her trousers, shuffling over to sit next to him. James gingerly pushes his sleeve back down, covering the bandages but there is now a hole in his jacket and shirt.

(Y/n) notices and pulls at a loose string of the torn jacket, "I could fix that for you later." She comments and leans back into the sofa to relax a little. Leaning her head against the back of the sofa and closing her eyes, taking a deep breath. “You’d do that for me?” James’s voice causes (Y/n) to lift her head and glance at him, offering him a curt grin. “Sure, It’s the least I can do,” she says, It wasn’t a big deal for her, after surviving this nightmare place with this guy she met, watching her back while fighting off those monsters, she is more than happy to help him in the end. “Thanks…” He mutters, looking a little flustered as he looks away. The duo remain in a comfortable silence for a moment. Gathering their thoughts, Then after what felt like a good minute or two, (Y/n) put her hands on her knees and stood up with a huff, stretching her body out once she was on her feet. “Say, I’m not planning to stay here for any longer than I have to. And I think neither do you, Let’s get going.” (Y/n) looks over at the blonde man and reaches her hand out for him to take. James looks up slowly, inspecting her hand like it’s a foreign object, then lifts his uninjured arm and places his hand in hers, allowing her to pull him up and smile at him once he is on his feet. Despite looking so defeated and exhausted, James does his best to smile back.

~~~~

Exiting the infirmary, the two are back in the dark and rotting hallway of this psychiatric prison. There is not much light, even with James’ torch and (Y/n)’s torch from her digital camera. “What do we do now?” (Y/n) questions while looking around the hall, the lack of light makes her nervous. “Well, we came from there. Might as well look the other way.” James suggests, and (Y/n) nods in agreement, the duo nearly glued to each other's sides while traversing the darkness, looking for a door that felt the safest to try. Most of the doors are locked, and it feels like the prison itself wants the two to go to a specific place. “Do you still have ammunition, James?” (Y/n) asks, desperately looking for something to break the silence that’s almost eating her alive. “I’ve got enough. I’m trying to save it for when I really need it.” James agrees that the silence is too loud, he turns to pull on another doorknob, finding it locked. “And you?” He adds. (Y/n) shrugs, “My bullets are plentiful… But just like you, I’m saving them.” she replies, also trying a door and much to her luck, this one opens.

The two enter a room with half of the floor missing. There is only a thin path that leads to the other side of the room, on the other side is another door. “Looks unstable…” (Y/n) comments nervously.

“It should be fine when we’re careful…” James says, moving to step inside the room, (Y/n) eyes James incredulously, “Are you sure?” She asks bewildered. There is no way that both of them are going to make it over that unstable floor. (Y/n) peeks over the edge, deep down below, there is nothing but blackness. (Y/n) swallows the bile that forms in her throat. “Only one way to find out…” She finally agrees to try, James reaches over and gives her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll go first,” He insists, sliding his shoes over what remains of the floor, “Careful James.” (Y/n) warns as she can see the floor wobble in discomfort as James carefully steps over it, slow and well-balanced steps. A dangerous and painful sounding crack makes him flinch and he speeds his shuffling process up. Loose pieces give in, breaking away and falling into the dark pit of nothingness. “James!” (Y/n) panics, watching in horror as the floor starts to crumble. James can manoeuvre around the falling floor and make it to the other side without a scratch. The gaping blackness swallowed the rest of the remaining floor, and James and (Y/n) got separated. “Are you okay!?” (Y/n) yells with worry. “Yes, I’m fine!” James is quick to reply. The Two are now separated by an endless dark pit, there is no way they could rejoin like this. “Yo-you keep going, I’ll find another way around.” (Y/n)’s voice weavers, she doesn’t like the idea of being alone right now, in a place like this. James looks like he wants to say something, but ultimately agrees with the terms, “Okay, Take care, (Y/n).” He says and reluctantly turns around to leave the room. His exhausted features saddened, feeling like he is leaving her behind to die. “Yeah, you too. I’ll see you soon!” She tries to smile, giving a little wave and turning around to find another way by herself.

~~Hours Later~~

(Y/n) feels uneasy, the halls seem to go on endlessly. Deeper and deeper into this claustrophobic and seemingly perfect hell. Tormenting (Y/n) with vision of the nasty fights her parents would have, and how it felt like it was her fault. Her father even said it.

There is a tranquil nothing for a moment, Despite it being dark, it’s quiet. That’s better than the monsters that remind her of her father’s aggression towards her mother.

She takes a deep breath, a feeling deep in her gut calms her down, but she knows this is not the end just yet. Many doors are locked, guiding (Y/n) to the place where she needs to go. Opening the correct door, she is greeted with a sight that nearly makes her heart stop.

James grips the rope of the noose with two hands, and slowly pulls it downwards.

The old rope cracks and groans in resistance, sending a shiver down his spine. The horrible sound numbs his mind, he can't hear the subtle click of something unlocking.

His vision blurs, and all he can see is the vague outline of the noose, Clenching his fists in the rough rope, it almost calls to him.

The permanent solution to a temporary problem…

(Y/n) grows scared the longer she sees James hold on to the noose, it causes her heart to start racing harder than before. She almost doesn't think when walking towards James and gently wraps a hand around his wrist to hopefully take his attention away from the old rope.

James' vision returns when he feels pressure on his wrist. Tender but firm, his gaze turns towards the feeling. There he makes eye contact with (Y/n), everything is still blurry, except for her face, looking upon him with great worry. A new pressure joins his other wrist, semi-forcefully taking his hands away from the most suffocating method of execution.

"James, come on." comes a soft voice. He blinks a few times, both his vision and hearing returning to him. That's when he sees (Y/n), standing right in front of him, holding his wrists firmly. “(Y/n)...” He utters, finally letting go of the rope. (Y/n)’s grip remains on his arms, keeping eye contact with him, grounding him back to this nightmarish reality. “It’s me, James. I found you.” She says hopeful. James almost couldn’t believe it, wringing one of his wrists out of her grasp, lifting his hand to pinch a strand of her hair between his fingers. Yeah, she is real.

James lets go and without thinking, wraps his arms around (Y/n) to hold her close, his face pressed into the fabric of her jacket. (Y/n) does not hesitate to return the embrace, hands rubbing over his back. He could nearly break down completely within the safety of her arms. 

Together at least…

_____________________________________

Probably the darkest thing I have written ever. But It’s Silent Hill, so...

 I didn’t try to dwell on it too much. But there is a good ending to it.

Thanks for reading.

-Smilex

[signedeclipse]

Hii! Can I request a fluffy oneshot of reader (she/her) that has a bad mental health day and does not want to be alone right now/is in need of comfort but they’re struggling with telling Gyutaro that yet he still finds out anyway :c

This is my first ask ever so if I mess it up im sorry! :c You can add any detail you like if I’m too vague! Your writing is amazing either way 🤍

Hooked On Your Love [Gyutaro X Reader]

Reader is Human Female | Fluff

Recomended Song - Addicted To You by Avicii

He really should have guessed that you were unwell, but he was just so comfortable having you around him more often he took it as a good sign.

The way you clung to him a little tighter, invited him to be with you more frequently, how you worried when he'd come back from a mission- all things you did before but now it felt far more personal. Gyutaro figured you just love dhim that much more and let all the signs swoop past him.

Nearly a week of this later, and it seemed your thoughts remained persistant.

At first, you were just stressed from work and having too much on your plate, but then it turned into a few messups, and then you realized not once did Gyutaro ever ask if you were okay or how you were.

You couldnt blame him, he had just as much to do as you did and really, you didnt give him any hints or ask him to. Every chance you got it felt like the words strangled you.

That didn't stop the Upper rank from hearing your sobs on a late night, and rushing to your aid.

It was around 2 in the morning, normally he didnt come back this 'early' but he just wanted to sleep in with you a while longer. It surprised him to notice your lights were still on and you hadn't yet slept, and startled him when he recognized what he thought were whispers to be your tears staining the pillow you clung to.

Gyutaro couldnt help but stare from the doorway, teeth pushing together to form a prominent frown. His chest tightened with anxiety yet he wasnt quite sure how to approach you.

" Gyu...? "

You had spotted him there, eyes wide and doe-like, brimming with tears. His yellow ones snapped ot meet yours, feeling his strong gaze melt away. You looked so tired.

" Yeah, I'm here. " The demon found his way next to you on the bed, pulling your blanket covered form into his lap where he held you bridal-style. His hands pulled the blankets taught so you were secure before pulling you up into his chest.

Your cries picked up, while Gyu could do nothing more than hold you there and allow you to let it all out.

Slowly his free hand moved up to your head, carefully freeing your hair from the blanket and playing with it. He tried to do it the way you did it for him, but he was cautious not to poke you with his sharp nails.

You were stammering throught he tears, trying to explain yourself- but Gyutaro only hushed you and planted a kiss to the top of your head.

" Don't worry about it, i'll take care of you. " He was firm, and confident that he could protect you even from emotions. He would not let you fall any deepe rthan you already had.

Carefully, he pivoted his dangling legs up onto the bed all while leaning back into the pillows. He kept you firm within his grip, laid out against him, and not once did he let go.

He could hear your gentle sigh after squirming about to get comfortable, causing a small smile to form on his lips.

Gyutaro just hoped you'd forgive him for taking so long to notice.

Author Note -  Your request was perfect! Glad to see another anon join me <3 Hope to see you around again! And thank you so much for your kind words!! Please take care of yourself and enjoy <3

Also im sorry this wound up being so short! Kind of my fault for driving myself into the 'fallin asleep after' corner but I hope its still satisfactory <3

Word Count - 543

[yooniesim]

hey guys, hope yall are doing well as usual! 💗 I think I'm gonna be on break a little while longer.

I'm not sure quite how long. I might be back into it in a day or a week or a month, I just don't know how I'm gonna feel, haha. It's nothing to do with anything here, or sims burn out or something like that (ok, maybe a little burnout, but not much). My mental health just has not been the best all round for a little bit. Often times I'm very tired and struggle with anything besides sleep. I don't have access to meds atm and there's going to be hurdles to climb to improve the situation I'm in now, that sometimes feel like molehills and sometimes like mountains. Life is very heavy now. And while sims remains one source of comfort, simblr has become less so. Sometimes when I rest, things that were said here come back to me and stick in my brain, weigh on my heart instead of lightening it. Usually, seeing good comments from friends and funny asks and people enjoying my cc balances that out, but sometimes it doesn't. It's all things over and done with, that the people involved probably didn't think about then and certainly don't now, and yet I still do. It takes time to forget things like that. Even if it is really just crumbs compared to everything else I'm experiencing, sometimes it's like the little tiny feather landing on a gigantic pile that just causes it all to collapse. But I think, maybe, venting these feelings will help. I know that many of you probably also suffer with depression, self-doubt, intrusive thoughts and other negative emotions. And probably also had (possibly many) indeterminate hiatuses. Besides just keeping yall updated, posting like this feels helpful because I know there are others here that understand that weight. And when I do see good comments from yall, it reminds me that, there is a lot of good here on simblr. That we're all just people trying to connect with people, in the forms of silly lil sims. That lifts my mood a lot.

Ah. Here i am on another tangent lol. I've gone so far off my original point, but. Bringing it in... it may be a while before I'm truly back in form, so to speak. I want to post things here still when I have the energy and motivation. But I dont have a schedule for that just yet. I'll just be taking each day as it comes.

Thank you to the ppl that leave me nice replies and mention me even when I'm on hiatus. Thank you to the two people that donated to my patreon!!! I was so shocked to get notifs haha. Thank you to my lovely mutuals and everyone that downloads my cc. I'm really grateful to everyone!!! I love yall.

And yes...... I will make more teef 😬 just be patient 😉

Now. Back to the skyrim tiddy mods 🤧

[the-little-ewok]

A more permanent hiatus from writing

So I have made the difficult decision to stop writing, at least for Tumblr etc, on a more permanent basis. I appreciate and love every single one of you who have taken the time to read, comment, reblog, send requests and prompts. Writing saved me from a very dark place and helped me come to terms with some things.

I've had an absolute blast interacting with everyone and I won't be removing my masterlist so that will stay for people to re-read if they want.

The fact is after some big life changes and the way things are here on Tumblr right now (more on both of these points below for those who want more personal details), I just don't have the time or energy to continue writing and it has become no longer a temporary hiatus. I'm afraid this may be permanent for now.

I will remain on Tumblr just no longer as a writer.

For those who want to read no further I bid you farewell, and thanks for all the fish 💜

Tw for the below : Miscarriage, pregnancy, mental health, general complaintyness, probably too much personal details 😂

For those of you who want a better explanation on why im leaving writing..

I came to writing fanfic again after the loss of my daughter. We spent a long time trying to get pregnant, only to loose her to a premature birth (second trimester miscarriage) and then told there was no guarantee I could ever carry a child to full term. Tumblr saved me from being in a very dark place with knowing this information. The people I met here are some of the best. I loved writing, and I loved that my writing brought joy to people. It brought a light back into my life and helped me do something to distract myself. I'm greatful for every single person who interacted with my fics. You have no idea how much your support, comments, reblogs and GIFs helped me. It helped me slowly come back to myself again.

Recently we have been incredibly blessed with a rainbow baby after an extremely stressful high risk pregnancy which absolutely took it out of me both physically and mentally, and caused me to take an initial step back from writing.

I sort of underestimated how much having a child would take out of my time and I honestly just do not have the time to write now. When I do have time im probably found catching up on sleep 😂

I really thought eventually I would come back to writing and don't get me wrong, I have 10000 ideas pinging around my brain and about 15 half finished WIP but the thing is, right now I got to prioritise family time. I am adjusting to life as a mom and just a general different pace of life. I feel it would be rude of my to continue to string people along thinking I will finish your requests or that WIP I've promised may eventually appear. And I guess maybe one day they will. But I can't make that promise and I feel guilty for continuing to pretend I'll get to them eventually. So please, accept my apologies if you were waiting on something. I know a bunch of amazing writers if anyone would like their request passed onto them to be fulfilled!

Second big reason for me leaving writing is .. interaction. The absolute lack of comments, reblog, messages, anything, is unreal. Anyone can click the like button but what writers need is something that makes them feel like you actually read their work, that you enjoyed it, that you want more. Please for those writers you follow, drop them a message about their fics, ask them questions, discuss headcannons, reblog their work, tell them what your favourite line was. Anything! Blind reblog with no comments and likes make writers feel like they put in all the effort for no reward. Interact with your writers people!

So that's what it is. Maybe one day I'll post my writings again, maybe I won't. For now I'll leave you in the capable hands of the incredible Tumblr writers that remain, and again, thank you so much for every comment and reblog. I love you guys!!

[dxwnfxll]

Explaining my SCP au

I am the co creator of Ambrose, or Dr Allison the owner is @thesimpgod13 !! Go support them!

The Ambroses

The Ambroses remain having the same characters as 'Brights' or 'Shaws' the list below is every family member:

Evelynn and Adam Ambrose parents to the children below

Jack Robby Ambrose (I ship my oc with him but that won't affect X readers or your own hc with Ambrose)

Children: Lucille and Julian Ambrose

Claire Lumineux

Children: Claire Lumineux II (Granddaughter Claire Lumineux III)

Mikell Ambrose

Children: David Blindman, Rose Ambrose

T.J Ambrose

Children: None.

Sierra Ambrose (SCP-321)

Children: none

Adding this here, I apologize for the change with Evelynn. I didn't know she was jewish as everytime i saw her she was described as muslim. I have changed her look and her story to the original and again i apologize if this had upset anyone!

Information about the family:

Adam was an awful father and each of his children (minus sierra) are examples of how abuse can affect children growing up. Jack healing from it but having moments where it still affects him, Mikell continuing it even though he doesn't mean to. TJ lacking adult skills and being an 'over grown child' in a sense, and Claire being neglectful while trying to pave a good life for her child without realizing how her absence is affecting her.

Since I've heard multiple different stories about Sierra where either her mother died during birth or lived on. I decided Evelynn is NOT her mother, as I had learned with the 'Brights' Adam had been unfaithful. So Sierras mother was a girl Adam ran around with behind Evelynns back who sadly passed during child birth.

TJ is not a character I own in this au, instead the character in this au belonging to @danifoxart where these changes had been made: TJ no longer can 'cure' mental illnesses such as Autism, ADHD, Down Syndrome etc. He can only cure physical things such as broken limbs, wounds, etc. He's 14-15 and stopped aging around that time making him also immortal, He's childish in nature but not because of his ability. He has trouble walking due to neglect from the foundation so he uses crutches, and also has gray streaks in his hair due to the stress the foundation had put on him.

Jack is still pretty much Jack, me and @thesimpgod13 haven't changed much with her. The only changes being their og body and removing triggering stuff from their story (aka: Predatory behavior, Beasty stuff, SA, etc) Jack 'Bright' was canonly married at one point and I have replaced the character after hearing the wife may have been a self insert of the creators wife. So Jack Ambrose is married to an oc of mine named Dr. Lavender, the relationship is open and will not affect people shipping their character with Ambrose! With Lavender he has two children Lucille and Julian, Lucille working with the MTF while Julian is an SCP. Jacks amulet also no longer has the ability to need multiple hosts, it will regenerate his body and when she does need to switch bodies that body will slowly transform to look like their original body.

Mikell also hasn't changed much, i kept much of his original story and really only changed a part of his backstory. Where he had given the foundation TJ and Claire (at different times) and watching as Jack ran away from home. Mikell is also the owner of the Ambrose ranch as Adam left it to him in his will. Mikell also raised all his siblings minus Jack who had been raised by their grandparents.

Claire none of the Claires have any changes, they're all still the same except the first Claire doesn't own the ranch.

David Blindman is no longer gay because they don't want to reproduce. He's gay cause he is

As for the 'non-canon' characters in here, Lucille worked as an MTF for an unknown amount of years. She does have an anomalous ability but it's so 'quiet' that the foundation allows her to work. Her only ability being extreme cell regeneration.

Julian is the youngest child of Jack, his anomaly is currently unknown in current time as he's a kid. But he later on becomes an SCP

If i didn't mention a character then there are no changes made to them.

The Clefs

Everything is still pretty much the same, Clefs backstory and how he acts. Except in this au with our ocs Dr. Clef is in a relationship with Dr. Allison but was in a relationship in the past with Kondraki.

Again this does not affect hcs, Canon or Clefdraki!! It was still canon he just ended up with @thesimpgod13 oc!

With Allison Clef ends up having a son named Francis (who's practically the spitting image of him)

I haven't made many changes to him, his past is still the same and how he acts currently is still the same. In this au we use the current 166 (deer gal) instead of the previous one (just saying this as i still see people who use that old one)

How the foundation is

So I have made many changes to the foundation (or really additions) so here they are

Certain sites with a low amount of dangerous SCPs have 'family plans'. Where staff members are able to have families inside these sites, and will even be given specific apartments inside the foundation. And yes they do have medical bays for pregnant people and doctors who specialize in neonatal care and pregnancy. If a pregnant person is caught in another site that's at risk they are brought to another site

Daycares/Schools, like the change above in certain sites there are daycares/schools for children. Since the population of children is usually really low it works well, daycares are right next to the school and a bunker is set in the back of these areas with plenty of toys, baby food, food, diapers and child/toddler sleeping bags.

Anomalous staff/MTFs exist within the foundation and depending on their anomalous properties they are able to get time outside of the foundation but are not allowed to live outside the foundation.

With the 05 (using an old pic below) there are specific areas for specific people, the seat of 05-1 has been sat in by the same person since the beginning of the foundation. 05-2 is sat in by descendants of 05-1, 05-6 is sat in by members of the Ambrose family (they also have a seat within the hand sinisters where the oldest is granted the position) in the picture below it goes from 1-12 of the 05 (left to right) the 13th person being the administrator who is also 05-1s ex husband

Btw 05-4 is a child !!

I will be reworking the 05 soon

Welp! That's all about me and my friends scp au!

Questions are open!! :)

[teaveetamer]

The idea that "criticizing female wrongdoers is evil" is not exclusive to Edelgard stans, unfortunately.

Back when Once Upon a Time was on the air, Regina Mills committed mass murder, rape, brainwashing, etc. Yet she had a similar "Cult of Personality" fanbase that would constantly scream at you at the top of their lungs if you criticized Regina even slightly. And they actually managed to succeed in turning Regina into a "Black Hole Sue" that constantly had everyone (including her biggest victims) kiss her ass.

And in the Avatar fandom, Azula fans have gotten crazier, screaming at the top of their lungs that Zuko is a terrible person because he ran away from the sister who tormented him for years.

And in the Castlevania fandom, fans make excuses for Lenore, who treated Hector like a sex slave through magical enslavement.

And don't even get anon started on Ragyo Kiryuin from Kill la Kill, who sexually abused her own daughter, and still had fans make excuses for her.

Something about modern fandom culture seems to drive people to worship female abusers and murderers, as if women aren't subject to the same laws and consequences as other people. It's a dangerous mindset, and worst of all, it's spreading.

Every generation of young people becomes the next generation of leaders, and anon fears for the future when these people will eventually be running the world.

I feel like female antagonists are a lightning rod for it right now, but I wouldn't say it's even exclusive to fictional women. I wouldn't even say it's really a modern fandom culture problem. It's a human problem. Humans in general have a fascination with authority, power, and confidence. That's why authoritarian regimes rise and fall throughout all of human history, and why so many of our oldest tales are about remaining humble and not abusing power.

It is something we have dealt with countless times before, and it's something we will continue to deal with until we destroy it or it destroys us.

I find several things far more concerning for the future of our society than the media being consumed and/or justified by modern fandom. Because I don't think media causes the problem, I think the way fans behave about media is a symptom of the problem (and sometimes that behavior needs to be called out, but it's not the media's fault necessarily).

Speaking as an American, I think the biggest thing threatening our youth, at this point, is the infantalization of adolesence, the ridiculous amount of monitoring and controlling of children and teens, and the intense social isolation born from essentially being a prisoner in your own home until you're 16 years old (and longer if your family can't afford to get you your license or a car).

I don't honestly believe that most kids and teens would spend so much time consuming media and arguing about it on the internet, basically living tethered to social media, if they were allowed to walk to the park by themselves and play with their friends, or if a teen could reliably get to their friends' house across town and hang out somewhere with them where they wouldn't be seen as a nuisance or dangerous, or if they could get to meetups and hobbies and meet people without needing to beg mom and dad for a ride every time. No one wants to be terminally online, but what choice do a lot of kids even have these days? When walking to the corner store down the street is so dangerous that it's basically a death sentence, because there's no sidewalks and everyone is driving Sherman tank sized SUVs and trucks 25 miles over the limit?

Like I was a kid before a lot of this stuff was getting really bad, and even I feel like I was robbed because I had to waste so much of my adolescence stuck behind a screen. There was no one to talk to IRL unless you were lucky enough to live in the same neighborhood as your friends (I did not), nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no way to get there until I turned 16. That's absolute murder on your mental health, so it's no wonder kids are latching onto anything to fill the gaps.

And I dunno. It's sad that these days our childhoods are defined not by who we knew or where we went or what we did, but by what corporate schlock we consumed.

That's not even getting into how that extreme isolation and inability to escape intensifies abusive environments. Imagine being a 14 year old queer kid in a hostile household, and the nearest LGBTQ+ community center is a 45 minute drive away. Not only are you stuck in an environment that's rapidly deteriorating your mental (and possibly physical) health, you need to ask your abusers to drive you to the place where you might find community, acceptance, and resources. That, or you need to get very adept at figuring out who is a safe adult to ask for that stuff, with the knowledge that every person you tell risks outing you to even more people who might wish you harm, or bringing backlash on you in the home.

Just. Fuck car-centric infrastructure, okay? Fuck it all to hell. I hate it here. Bully your representatives at every level of government to transition to walkable, human-scale cities with mixed use development as the standard. It's better for the environment, better for your health (both mental and physical), better for the community, and better for life. I genuinely believe this is one of the problems that, if we fix it, is going to domino effect into fixing a whole lot of other shit.

I got a little off topic, look up Not Just Bikes on Youtube he's great at presenting persuasive arguments you can bring around to your representatives.

[poems-of-a-lover]

This is in regards to that post you made today, about anon messages. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't really know where to turn.

Basically, I was born into a very controlling religion, probably borderline cult known as Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe they have the "truth", and that they need to remain separate from the "world" as Jesus supposedly commanded because the end/apocalypse could come at any time and they need to stay away from Satan.

I'm 17 now, about to start my last year of high school this fall and I'm a gay trans man (very much not to the knowledge of my family). My best friend since sixth grade is also trans, and I'm surrounded by lots of queer people (I live in a more accepting area/state). Thankfully, my parents were not in the position to homeschool my siblings and I, even though they had been considering it.

However, all these details lead me to a fork in the road.

A principle of this religion's foundation is preaching the "good news", from the youngest age a person is at any sort able to participate, spending their Saturday mornings every week going around neighborhoods and attempting to convert any and everyone they can.

I've been struggling along for the last 5-7 years or so since I mentally fell out of the religion's traps. However, once I turn 18 I have to commit myself to the religion, which I am in no favor of doing so.

Counting down the months, I find myself stuck in what direction to go, come out to my family (not in the queer sense yet, but rather just saying I don't believe in it anymore) and risk losing them entirely, or stay stuck in a place that is making every attempt to subdue and oppress me into a pretty, feminine, docile girl. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay in here any longer than I absolutely have to, but I don't know how to leave.

I'll turn 18 before I graduate, and I don't know what will happen past then. How do I take care of legal documents, doctors, college, those sorts of things (that part is largely rhetorical). My best friend has offered to take me in if/when I need it, and I think he said his parents/living-in family was alright with it (he's told them about me and my living situation), but I don't want to burden him cause he has his own issues--that's the same reason I'm writing this to you rather than asking him for help/advice again.

I hope you can find it in you read all of that, I'm sorry its so long but I felt it was necessary to fully explain it all. Also I wanted to thank you for your blog, I know there's not really any point to that but it's nice to read and see when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel validated in my identity. Have a good day/night/whatever's going on.

first off, im so, sorry that ur stuck in a position like this. u shouldn't have to be stuck in that type of position with those outcomes and those losses, and i really hope ur able to get out of there safely soon. i know it seems like it might be a burden on ur friend to take up his offer, like ur imposing or taking advantage or whatever reason, but if that's the safest option, i definitely recommend it. at least until ur able to come up with a more permanent/long term plan, it's good to have a safe place with people who respect u. ofc i don't know what it's like to be in a religious family like that, so my advice is from the perspective of someone who doesn't know it firsthand, but i feel like forcing urself to ignore ur identity for the sake of someone else's beliefs and comfortability will just cause more harm than good. i do hope ur able to live ur life the way u want, without having to water down or oppress ur identity for the sake of others. it will get better, maybe not now or soon, but eventually. if u ever need to talk about anything else, my inbox is always available for things like this!! and im so glad u find comfort in my blog, ive gotten that from a few ppl actually, that seeing queerness and loving men in a positive and safe light is helpful. again, if u ever need anything, my inbox is open <3

[kodzumie-archived]

im not sure if i even remember the pseudonym i had on this blog, nor if i want, but all i know was that it was on the emoji display of your regular anons wall. that might serve as some sort of identification

though it mightve been the purple pixel alien, i can't be sure

regardless, time moves on; we've all progressed in our lives, we've grown. yet i cannot help but think about you, and what happened to you. you remained one of the most impressionable authors to me thus far; your articulate prose was a contributing factor, yes, but you were just so... kind. and sweet to us. it stuck to me like honey, never of the saccharine likes-- only that which was unbearably hard to wash off my skins surface

i don't know what happened to you, and i wish i knew-- it might be a bit selfish, or intrusive, given how we don't actually know each other, but gods... sometimes, in the back of my mind, i recount all the people ive come to be estranged with and i know your vague visage one of them, one of those i worry for. i hope you're okay. i sorely wish you're okay and well and alive

and i really, really wish that the possibility you're dead is false-- i almost need it to be, you had come to feel like a friend to me; your disappearance happened in early 2021, when covid was still relatively rampant. if what i fear has presumably happened, then you mightve contracted covid and passed. you mightve had your life unfairly reaped by others, too soon. that's what i thought had happened-- it's the only conclusion i have at my disposal, how i not, being honest?

maybe you felt burdened, maybe you ran away because of an external cause. that mightve been better, knowing you're still out there, somewhere, with a chance at happiness

if you're reading this, if you're alive and well (i hope you are. i wish you are), just... hell, i don't even know what i want you to know.

just know i care for you-- undoubtedly so. many people who have come to know you care for you, and i can bet some people on this blog alike i, care for you dearly, and wish the best.

p. s. ive recently discovered my penchant for literature, and i sorely want to ask you for advice on prose. on writing. on everything there is you could provide an answer to. some days i return to your published works and i attempt to mimic your style; is it because i envy you? because i want to be as good as you are?

or because i want to preserve you in some way-- in the thing i use daily? in poetry and art, that which i love the most?

... sometimes i beat myself up for being no where near your level, but how can that be reasonable? i just recently started practicing, and it's clear your work has had years of effort dedicated to honing your craft.

and i think, "they seem around college age. they've so much infront of them; i hope they've successfully chased their aspirations"

and i think, "i can be good. i can grow to be good. it will be okay"

and i think, i want you to be okay. of all things, above all things.

i want you to be okay.

i wish you were here

First and foremost—thank you.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Thank you for your concern. And, of course, thank you for your kind words.

I’m truly blessed to have had such kind individuals to support me and my work two years ago. Please know, even in my absence, you’ve (all) been in my thoughts.

So, at the very least, I hope I can provide closure to you, in addition to my apology for leaving you with your worries for so long.

I am alive! Evidently.

Although a lot has happened since I left this blog—my mental decline culminating in an eventual breakdown and hospitalization—I’m better now than I’ve been in, well, ever.

So... Yeah! It’s been a bit of a ride on my end, and I’ve grown a lot since 2021.

The most obvious change being that I’m no longer the angsty fourteen-year-old I was when I used to run this blog—trying to grow up faster than I should’ve.

I still write (because without it, who am I?), and I still am present on Tumblr.

I’ve shifted my interests, I’ve been practicing diversifying my writing style, and it makes me beyond happy to hear you exploring literature as well!

I’m not sure how I can properly convey with words how thrilled I am to hear that I’ve been a source of inspiration for your pursuit of writing, but please do know that—from the bottom of my heart—I’m cheering for you!

Writing is hard.

It’s difficult, and it’s easy to feel like the expectations you set for yourself aren’t being met, and it’s so, so easy to give up.

But know that your words are true.

You can be good, better than good—you can be great.

And I hope, someday, I can be given the chance to read your work!

Truth be told, I struggle reading my older works, seeing as my style’s changed a lot since then. And, sometimes, it’s difficult to read my current writing.

We’re always looking for ways to become the best we can be. But isn’t that what’s so inspiring about creatives?

I remember our conversations!

(If you’re recalling correctly—then I do genuinely remember and hold dear the conversations I’d had with you, 👾 anon! I fondly look back on the drawings you’d send, and vividly recall how in awe of your talents I was).

I care for you. I’ve cared for you. And I will continue to care for you.

It’s a bit funny to think about, actually—how you look back on my writing and emulate it when, truthfully, I’ve always kept your drawings in mind and, too, have tried to emulate your talent in art!

I guess it goes both ways, our appreciation of one another, and it warms my heart to hear it.

Thank you for the fond memories.

Although I don’t plan on creating any new content for this blog, and I’ve passed from my interest in Danganronpa—you’ll forever hold a place in my heart!

I’ve decided against deactivating.

I’m too attached to completely sever the relation I have with this account and the people I’ve met (mutuals and anons alike).

So, if ever at any point you'd like to contact me, feel free!

Regardless of the reason, I’ll always be happy to hear from you. Even if we’re just friendly strangers online and don’t know each other beyond that, perhaps we can come to be close friends.

I’m sorry for vanishing, and I’m sorry for having worried you.

I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you’ve been alive, well, and happy. I hope you’ve been pursuing your passions, and that life has been treating you well.

If nothing else, know that—even in my absence—I’ve kept you in my thoughts.

Thank you for everything.

I hope we can meet again, my dear.

[justasecretwriter]

Banquet (Part Twenty of "The Bad Guy")

Title | Banquet

Series | The Bad Guy (Part Twenty)

Summary | It's tradition on Asgard for Odin to throw a banquet when important guests visit.

Pairings | Loki Laufeyson x Y/N, Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers (married)

Genre | General Plot Chapter (maybe hints of fluff/angst?)

Story Warnings | Loki talking about his childhood, Odin, Thor is an arrogant bitch, Cursing, Slight Mention of Homophobia, Sif and the Warriors Three (I put them here because some people have beef with them so 🤷🏼‍♀️)

Series Warnings | Cursing, Mental Illness (Depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.), sex, explicit sex, drinking, possible drug use, mentions of LBGTQ+, subtle and not-so-subtle homophobia, tell me if you see more.

Translations |

dúfa – Dove – Old Norse

ástin mín – My love – Old Norse (And Icelandic – very similar)

kærr mín - my dear - Old Norse

Author's Note | So sorry this took longer than planned. Lots have happened but I'm ready to hop back on this horse!

Words | 2,524

The guards showed us all to our quarters but I barely paid attention to them; the castle was so gorgeous. I took note that Steve and Bucky were down the hall from us, and then Loki was guiding me through two talk doors.

We entered what looked almost like a very small library. Two walls were covered in nothing but books, and there was a large leather couch on the far wall. It took me a minute to see the small kitchen in the corner, making me realize this was Loki's apartment within the castle.

Everything looked dark but warm. Brown and green covered everything and even the books looked warn, like they'd been read thousands of times.

On the opposite wall there was a tall door that was closed. I assumed that's where his bedroom was, but didn't ask. Instead I took in the room a few extra moments and smiled.

"It's nice," I murmured, looking at Loki.

"Think so?"

"It's cozy." I assured him. "It's very… you."

He arched his brow and I laughed. It wasn't a very good description but it was what came to mind quickly.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him, again making me think about the limited physical contact when others were around. I wondered if now was a good time to bring it up or if it would ruin the mood.

I saw his magic flash from the corner of my eye and found my bags appeared at my side. I loved when he did that.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered as he guided me to sit on the couch with him.

"Of course,"

"When we're around other people, you don't touch me as much,"

His face shifted. "Ahh, you noticed."

"Don't I always?" I teased, and he smiled.

"I have not ever said this out loud," I remained silent, not wanting to discourage him. "But when I was younger, I was very… well, I touched everyone. I liked touch and it helped to cope with whatever was happening. But when I got a little older, Thor and his friends noticed and began to pick on me for it. I was young, hadn't really learned to ignore him yet and it got to me. So it quit, and now I suppose it's a habit."

It was almost like I could literally feel my heart break in two. I didn't really dislike Thor before, though I never bathed in his arrogance, there was a smoldering hatred that burned through me then.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." Was all I could manage through my teeth. He twisted to look at my face.

"What is the matter?"

"I hate Thor."

A wide smile spread across his face. "While I could drown in the happiness that sentence causes me, may I ask why?"

"Well, the more and more stories I hear about it, the more and more mean it seems he is to you."

"Y/N, we were young. I was sensitive and he liked the tease. We have resolved many issues, I assure you. His friends are still arses, but there is only so much I can do about that."

I laughed.

Leaning into him, I rested my head on his shoulder. "I like when you touch me."

"I can tell," He teased, running his fingers up my arm and watching the trail of goosebumps rise.

Blush creeped up my cheeks and he smiled, kissing it before standing and going towards the tall doors.

"Come, I will help put your stuff away."

"Is this all really necessary?" I whined as one of Loki's maids tightened a corset on me. I winced with the tug and she apologized.

Loki came from the bathroom with only pants on and the maid did her best to not look.

"What Odin says, goes. It's a sort of tradition to welcome guests with a banquet."

"Still, it all feels a bit… much. Are Bucky and Steve required to go too?"

"They are guests." Loki teased.

I looked in the body length mirror in the corner of Loki's room. The floor length ball gown was a deep emerald with gold lines and edges that sparkled with beauty. Loki was dressing into his traditional theatrical armor, horns included. I liked the horns.

I looked beautiful, no doubt, but the dress was uncomfortable and made me itchy all over.

"And how long does it last?"

"Till midnight,"

"Great so I'm Cinderella." He smiled and the maid stifled a laugh as she finished my dress and stepped back.

"You look splendid, Lady Y/N." She complimented and I smiled.

When I turned back to Loki, his armor was finished too. He was undeniably handsome, there was no denying it, but something was missing.

"Darling?" I met his eyes and he grinned. "Are you alright?"

I nodded as I realized what was missing with blush in my cheeks.

"What is it?"

I bit my lip before I remembered the lipstick. "The uh, the mark on your neck has faded."

Touching the now pale white skin that I'd sucked a deep bruise into days before, a smile spread to his face.

"If you are good during the banquet, I'll let you put it back tonight."

I smiled, stepping towards him. "What about right now?"

He shifted and pink dusted his cheeks. "Ástin mín, it would create a scandal."

Playing with the collar of his armor, I said, "I thought you loved to cause mischief?"

"Oh I do." He argued. "But if we are going to cause mischief I have other things in mind that I believe you will love much more."

"Oh?"

He smirked. "You will see. Now, come, we must pick up the Captain and James."

"Bucky," I corrected.

"Bucky," He said with a smile, opening his door.

When we made it to their door, Loki knocked just loud enough and Bucky answered. He looked very handsome in a sort of suit, similar to the one Loki had magicked him in when meeting Odin. Steve came up behind him in a matching suit and smiled at me.

"You look lovely."

"So do you,”

They stepped out and as Loki led us down the great halls, he went over basic rules and customs of the banquet. Always curtsy at the end of a dance, don’t try to make conversation with the guards, and don’t be afraid to ask the cooks or maids for something. Apparently that’s what they’re there for, and they’re being paid fairly well.

We approached two giant doors with a guard on each side and Loki nodded to them. They nodded back before opening the doors. I gasped at the ballroom. On each far side were rows and rows of tables with more food than could feed all of Africa, and on the opposite wall from where the doors were, was a sort of stage where there were four thrones, the two in the middle larger than the two on each side.

Odin sat on one bigger throne, and in the seat to his right was a lovely bouquet of white roses. The seat to Odin’s left had Thor, who was also in his dramatic armor and helmet, and the seat to the roses' right was empty.

There weren’t many guests yet, but still some maids and cooks were preparing things. Loki brought us in front of Odin and we all had to do the kneeling thing again. I wondered if that ever got tiring to the people who had to meet with Odin often.

Turning to me, Loki took my hand. “I have to sit on the throne until more guests arrive and people begin eating, then I can join you at the table, alright?”

I nodded and we drifted over to a table that I could see Loki from. As he walked to his throne, he passed the empty one and brushed his fingers over the roses before sitting back in the seat beside them.

He ignored his father completely, but both him and Thor leaned forward to see around Odin and talk to one another. I couldn't hear them but whatever they spoke about made them laugh.

I couldn't hold back the smile when I watched Loki laugh. He looked so careful and happy when laughing, and it made me want to always bring him laughter. He deserved to be happy, I knew that much for sure.

After a few minutes, a group of people came in that made Thor stand and smile. "Friends! Thank you for coming!" He exclaimed loudly.

He brought them to my table, and began introducing us.

"This is Lady Y/N, as well as my good friend Steve Rogers and his husband, James. These are my friends, Lady Sif and the Warriors Three: Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg."

"Hello," I said, smiling at them.

Loki had told me about Sif and the Warriors Three before, but now I could see why he bragged on Sif like he did; she looked fierce in battle armor but was quite beautiful.

The three men were big but the bearded one was downright scary looking, hell he was nearly bigger than Thor. He towered over the table but the smile on his face told me he was harmless. The sword on his back however… Maybe peaceful was a better word, maybe he was peaceful.

I looked at Loki as they all sat down and Thor returned to his seat. He was watching me nervously, but I just smiled to let him know it was alright.

Sif sat across from me with the shorter man next to her and the biggest man two seats down. The guy in between them looked very average.

I looked to Sif, knowing that as the only two girls we'd have to make some sort of conversation. If I remembered Tony Stark's best conversational advice, it was to compliment.

"It's so nice to finally meet you, Loki has told me great things."

“He has?” She raised a brow that could be mistaken for sarcasm.

“Yes?”

“Loki and I usually do not get along.”

“Oh, well he dotes on your battlefield skills often.”

She sat up a little straighter, with a small smile. She must have understood that compliments from Loki were rare, and even when he did compliment people, they were often two-sided and had other motives or meanings.

“Thor has spoken good things about you too,” Sif chimed. “When he visits he updates us on all his friends. And well, you know Thor,” She laughed. “He sees the good in everything, he is a bit ignorant that way.”

“Not to make it all about me, but what does he say? I’m not exactly close with Thor.” That was the polite way of putting it at least; our love-hate relationship. In all honesty, I thought he was an arrogant bastard who made too many jokes at others’ expense. Not to mention he was crude.

“Well mostly about your past and your magic. And about how you are good with Loki. He is not exactly the easiest person to calm down but apparently, you do it well.”

“Well I’m glad Thor finds me interesting but I’d much rather, no offense, he didn’t tell complete strangers about my past.”

“I would not take it personally,” The shorter man with dark hair said. Had Thor called him Hogun? He continued, “He talks about everybody and their past. He sees it as nothing to be ashamed of, just things that happened that are the reason for meeting him.” He turned to Steve and Bucky. “He’s told us about you both just the same. Thor is a very simple person, and there is not much grey area for him.”

I looked back over to the brothers who were now thrown back into their conversation from before, and smiled.

“He’s very different from his brother, is he not?” Sif said, watching my eyes.

“Loki or Thor?”

“Either. Both.”

“I see differences and similarities.”

“Loki takes more from Frigga than Thor,” Sif announced. "And many people would not dare tell you this, but it's where he gets his mischief from."

I smiled.

“He’s sweet once you know him,” I said.

“I will believe it when I see it,” Sif laughed, and I smiled.

Slowly but surely, guests started pouring in. Each time they would approach the stage and do a bow before finding their tables. There was some food out, but mostly just snack stuff and not the actual meals. The workers had started going around and offering people drinks while we waited for more guests to arrive.

I jumped and spun around when I felt a hand on my shoulder, but smiled when I saw Loki's satisfied grin; he'd successfully snuck up on me.

"Hello ástin." He smirked.

I rolled my eyes and he sat down in the empty seat to my left. Wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me closer, Loki kissed the side of my face.

"About five more minutes to let the rest of the guests arrive and the Odin will welcome everyone and start the feast. I'll be able to sit with you then, okay?"

I nodded and he kissed my face again before returning to the throne. I felt Sif watching us the whole time but now that I looked at her, I started blushing.

She looked over at Loki and then back to me. "Well he is fond of you." She claimed with a teasing voice.

I peeked over to find his eyes already in me, triggering another blush that made me feel like some stupid schoolgirl.

"Well I'm sure another girl isn't anything special for Loki."

She tilted her head and pursed her lips for a second. "Sure, the amount of people he has been seen taking to the guest rooms is rather… impressive, but he has never brought one to a banquet like this. He has never actually courted anyone before you."

Hmm. I thought over that for a minute before she spoke again, interrupting my thoughts.

"You do know Loki is interested in more than just women, right? I believe that is still a topic of controversy on Midgard."

"Oh yeah, I know. I don't mind."

After a few minutes, everyone got quiet and I looked over to see Odin standing before everyone.

The Bad Guy Taglist

@slytherinintj13 @psyc-hot-ic-gingers-kitten @anikka-bee @huntress-artemiss @vbecker10

General Loki Taglist

@lulubelle814 @vbecker10

Couldn't Tag

None :)