#and it's nice to be able to point to something and say I did that!

[imjustreadinglmao]

BLUE

Paring: Azriel x Reader, Lucien x platonic!Reader

Summary: After Azriel and Elain‘s courtship is revealed, their mates, Lucien and Y/N, are left to deal with the consequences. While fighting against Koschei and for Prythian‘s freedom, Y/N has to navigate her emotions and learn how to live with the heartbreak of a one sided mating bond. But what happens when long kept secrets are revealed and everything turns out differently than they thought?

PART I

word count: 3k

A/N: this is part 1 of BLUE. I changed the beginning a bit to fit the storyline. Please be nice this is my first fic :)

Warnings: light angst, unrequited love, mention of childhood trauma/ mention of ãbuse (not described)

I stir my black tea as Rhysand files through the report I handed him just seconds ago.

The steam from the tea rises, curling in delicate tendrils, carrying with it a sense of fleeting warmth that I desperately cling to.

Rhysand’s office is both grand and simple.

Bookshelves line the walls, filled with volumes on history, strategy, and magic. A fireplace to the right. Above it, a large portrait of Velaris shows the city bathed in a soft, ethereal glow. Feyre gifted it to him last starfall.

Heavy velvet drapes in shades of midnight blue frame the windows, ready to be drawn shut for privacy.

In the distance I can make out the mountains with their snow-capped peaks and the Sidra winding through the valley below.

“I have to say, I’m impressed you were able to convince Devlon so fast.”

I look up at Rhys and chuckle, the sound hollow to my own ears. “It does help if you threaten to cut his balls off and stake them to the wall for everyone to see.”

Rhys lifts a brow and barks out a laugh. “I see.”

I rarely go on missions anymore, choosing to work as an advisor for Rhysand.

Missions used to be exciting, but nowadays I prefer the comfort my room provides. The sense of security it brings is a balm to my soul, now more than ever.

I take this as a sign to stand up and lift my bag from the floor. I sling it over my shoulder and make my way to the door.

“Don’t forget tonight’s family dinner,” Rhysand calls after me. I don’t look back, just give him a thumbs-up and close his office door behind me.

As I make my way downstairs and through the foyer, I spot Lucien strapping on his sword. Presumably getting ready for training, he has always been an early riser.

“How did the mission go?” Lucien doesn’t need to look up to see that it’s me approaching.

I let out a sigh and rub my temples. “Good.” I stop beside him and flop onto the recamier right next to the front door. “Well, as good as paying the camps a visit can get.”

Lucien cracks a smile at that, his amber eyes twinkle with amusement. He knows exactly how difficult it is to convince Devlon of something he isn’t particularly fond of.

“Are you coming to the family dinner tonight?” I ask, my voice betraying a hint of reluctance.

Lucien sheaths his blade and nods. “Feyre will have my head if I don’t show up. I already missed the last one.”

I cringe at the mention of the last family dinner. The memory alone sends a sharp pang through my chest.

———————

I walk into the dining room, ready to face yet another family dinner. I spot Mor right away, radiant in her blood-red gown. The sight of her is always one of familiarity and comfort.

“Hey, got another one of those?” I point to the wine glass in her hand. She arches a brow and hands me one filled to the brim.

“Are we so exhausting that you need liquid encouragement to get through the night?” she muses. I just roll my eyes, trying to hide my amusement.

Right as she opens her mouth to say something, the back of my head begins to tickle. He is here.

I turn around to see Azriel walk through the door, and he is not alone. Elain is beside him, their hands intertwined.

Even though I was expecting it to happen soon, the sight still hits me like a physical blow. It was always just a matter of time till Azriel and Elain decided to go against Rhys‘s order and make their love official.

I‘m glad, Lucien isn’t here to witness this. I can’t imagine how it would be for him.

Since only my side of the bond snapped into place, seeing how in love they are, is somehow… manageable. For Lucien it would be almost deadly.

I look back at Mor, her expression as shocked as mine. “I didn’t know,” she whispers, her face now bearing a look of worry and pity.

To say the dinner is awkward would be an understatement. Nobody really knows what to say after Elain and Azriel walked in holding hands.

I just shove the potatoes on my plate around, too nauseous to eat anything. The lump in my throat makes swallowing impossible.

Cassian clears his throat and points to Azriel and Elain. “So how long has this been going on?” Nesta jabs her elbow into his ribs, which earns her an “oww”, and throws me an apologetic look.

Besides Mor, only Lucien and Nesta know about the bond between me and Azriel. Their concern a constant reminder of the bond I try so hard to ignore.

“Well…” Azriel coughs, noticeably uncomfortable with being put on the spot. “It all happened very quickly. We spent a lot of our nights up and talking and realized we didn’t want to hold back anymore.”

He gazes down at her, smiling. I recognize that look. The realization twists the knife in my heart.

That’s how I look at him.

—————————

“Are you even listening?” Lucien waves a hand in front of my face to snap me out of my haze. His voice pulls me back to the present, but the ache remains.

I rub my eyes. “Uh… sorry. What exactly were you saying?”

He crosses his arms and looks down at me. “I was asking if you wanted to go training with me. But it seems what you really need is some sleep.”

I roll my eyes and stand up. “You know me so well, Lu.” I pat his shoulder and walk out the door. “See you at dinner tonight.”

Velaris is most beautiful at night, but nothing can beat the quiet and peace of the early mornings.

I walk down the high street, greeting some of my favorite vendors with a smile, until I reach the familiar townhouse.

After I officially became part of Rhysand’s inner circle, he offered me to stay at his townhouse.

It had many perks: no rent, right in the heart of Velaris, and an endless wine supply thanks to Rhysand’s "secret" wine cellar.

There is really only one downside.

“I didn’t think you would be back so soon.” Azriel sits at the dinner table eating breakfast. He has his fighting leathers on, probably on his way to the House of Wind for Valkyrie training.

Cassian and Azriel still train the Valkyries every morning. Sometimes I join, but only when Nesta drags me up there.

“Well, sorry to disappoint.” I laugh awkwardly. “I’m going to head upstairs to rest. Say hello to Nesta for me.” The words taste bitter, a poor attempt to mask the hurt.

I turn around before he has the chance to say something else, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me.

Yes, that is the downside. The constant reminder of what I had lost and could never have.

Him.

——————

The dining room buzzes with conversation as everyone settles in for dinner.

Azriel and Elain sit together, a vision of contentment that sends a pang through my heart.

Across the table, Lucien’s jaw is tight, his gaze fixed on his plate.

“Thank you all for coming,” Rhysand begins, standing at the head of the table. “I have an important announcement to make.”

He glances at Lucien and me, a hint of apology in his eyes. “We’ve decided to support Eris in overthrowing Beron.

Lucien and you,” he points at me, “will lead the mission to the Autumn Court.”

A murmur runs through the room. Lucien looks up, his eyes meet mine.

There is a mixture of determination and vulnerability in his gaze that makes my heart ache.

The Autumn Court doesn’t hold great memories for either of us.

But before I can fully process Rhysand’s words, Azriel stands abruptly, his expression dark and tense.

“Why them?” Azriel’s voice is sharp, a stark contrast to his usual calm demeanor. “Why not send someone else?”

Rhysand frowns slightly, clearly not expecting this reaction.

“Both of them have a unique advantage given their history with Eris and the Autumn Court. It’s a strategic decision.”

Azriel’s eyes flicker to me, a storm of emotions swirling within them. “I don’t like it. It’s too dangerous.”

I feel a surge of frustration. Azriel’s protectiveness, though touching, is misplaced and completely out of character.

“What’s your problem, Azriel?” I snap, unable to hold back.

“I’m more than capable of leading this mission. Or do you think I’m not good enough to do my job?”

His eyes narrow, the tension between us thickening. “That’s not what I meant,” he retorts, his voice lower but no less intense.

“I just don’t think it’s wise to send specifically you two into such a volatile situation. You can’t just throw yourself into danger like that.”

My heart pounds in my chest. “That’s rich coming from you. You’re always in danger, always risking everything. How is that different from this mission?”

“It’s different because—” Azriel stops himself, glancing at Elain, who is watching us with wide eyes. He seems to struggle for a moment before finishing, “It doesn’t matter, just let someone else do the mission. You’re an important asset to this court.”

Before I could respond with something I’d surely regret, Elain’s voice cuts through the tension.

“Azriel, stop.” Her voice is calm but firm, a hint of desperation in her eyes. “This isn’t helping.”

Azriel turned to Elain, his expression softens slightly, but the tension remains. He takes a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. “I’m sorry. I just… I worry.”

Lucien’s gaze hardens, “We’ve faced worse,” he says, a challenge in his tone. “We are capable enough to lead this mission, we don’t need your approval, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel’s jaw clenches, a muscle ticking in his cheek. “It’s not about capability. It’s about safety. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt.”

“Anyone?” I echo, my voice rises. “Or just Elain’s mate?”

The words hang in the air, charged with emotion. Azriel flinches slightly.

“This has nothing to do with Lucien being Elain‘s mate,” he says, though the slight tremor in his voice betrays him.

“But it does, doesn’t it?” My words laced with venom. “If Lucien were to get hurt, it would cause Elain distress, that’s how a mating bond works. And we can’t have that, can we?”

Elain looks down, her face unreadable, while Lucien’s gaze flickers between Azriel and me.

“We all know the risks,” Lucien says more calmly this time, “And we’re prepared to face them.”

Rhysand interjects, his voice low but authoritative. “Enough. We’re all on the same side here. This is a mission we need to undertake for the greater good. Personal feelings need to be set aside.”

I take a deep breath and try to steady the storm of emotions within me. Rhysand is right, the last thing we need is Azriel and me fighting.

Rhysand sits down, his tone final. “This mission is vital. We need to trust each other and stay focused. We’ll discuss this further tomorrow. For now, let’s try to enjoy the evening.”

The atmosphere is strained as we resume our meal. I can feel Azriel’s gaze on me.

Lucien reaches over, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. It was a small gesture, but it meant everything in that moment.

I don’t say a word throughout the whole dinner. Choosing to stay quiet instead of lashing out.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that this mission would change everything.

---

The garden of the River House is a haven of tranquility. Blooming flowers and lush greenery everywhere Elain truly is a talented gardener.

I find Lucien leaning against a stone pillar, his gaze lost in the Sidra's gentle flow.

I approach him quietly, the cool evening air brushing against my skin. “Mind if I join you?” I ask softly.

Lucien looks up, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. “Of course not. I was just enjoying the peace before the storm.”

I halt beside him, the tension from the dinner still coils tightly in my chest. “Quite the announcement, wasn’t it?”

He nods, his expression thoughtful. “I knew something like this was coming, but hearing it confirmed… it’s different.

Eris must be desperate if he reached out to Rhysand.”

I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “Yes, it’s a lot. I wish Rhys would have told us separately. This topic is already very emotional I really didn’t need Azriel’s… concern too.”

Lucien’s eyes darken at the mention of Azriel. “He’s protective, that’s clear. But he doesn’t have the right to undermine your abilities.”

“It’s not just that,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “His words, his actions… they confuse me. One moment he’s distant, the next he’s overly concerned. I don’t understand him.”

Lucien’s gaze softens, a flicker of understanding in his eyes. “He cares about you. He might not be aware of it but you’re his mate, bond snapping into place or not, it’s his priority to keep you safe. That can’t be changed, even if he’s in love with someone else.”

I look away, the garden blurring before my eyes. “It hurts, Lucien. Seeing him with Elain, pretending to be something they’re not. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Lucien reaches out, his hand covering mine. “You’re not alone in this. We’ve all got our battles to fight, and sometimes the hardest ones are with our own hearts.”

A moment of silence stretches between us, the night air filled with the scent of blooming flowers.

“And what about you?” I ask, turning to look at him. “How are you handling all of this? Eris, the Autumn Court… it can’t be easy for you.”

Lucien’s expression grows somber. “It’s not. But I’ve come to terms with my past and everything my father did to me. I knew this was going to happen. Eris has the chance to change things, to make the Autumn Court a better place. I can’t turn my back on that.”

He smiles at that. “And maybe, when all of this is over, we’ll find some semblance of peace.”

As we stand there, the garden enveloping us in its quiet embrace, I feel a sense of calm settle over me. Whatever challenges lay ahead, I know we have each other’s backs.

—————————

The war room in the House of Wind is filled with dread as we gather around the large oak table.

Rhysand stands at the head, his usual easy demeanor replaced by a grave seriousness.

To his right, Amren sits with her usual enigmatic expression, while Cassian leans against the wall, arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

Azriel is on my left, his gaze unreadable, and Lucien sits across from me, his eyes focused and determined.

Rhysand unfurls a detailed map of the Autumn Court, its forests and strongholds marked with meticulous detail.

“Eris has provided us with information about Beron’s movements and the layout of his court. Our objective is to infiltrate the main stronghold, gather intelligence, and support Eris in his efforts to dethrone Beron.”

Lucien nods, his jaw set. Rhys continues. “We’ll enter through the southern border. Eris has arranged for a distraction that will draw most of Beron’s guards away from the main stronghold. This will give us the opportunity to slip in and meet with Eris.”

Amren leans forward, her sharp eyes assessing the map. “And what about Koschei? He’s been a wild card in all of this. His alliance with Beron could complicate things.”

Rhysand nods in agreement. “Koschei is a concern. According to Eris, Koschei has been providing Beron with dark magic. We need to be prepared for any magical traps or barriers.”

Azriel’s voice cuts through the discussion. “I’ll handle the reconnaissance. I’ll fly ahead and ensure the path is clear before they move in.”

I glance at him, he hasn’t looked at me or said a single thing to me since yesterday. If I didn’t know better I would say he was sulking.

Rhysand continues, “Once inside, our main goal is to secure the throne room and neutralize Beron’s guards. Eris will confront Beron directly. You,” he gestures to Lucien and me, “need to be ready to support him.”

Lucien nods again, his eyes meeting mine across the table. “We’ll be ready.”

Rhysand’s gaze softens slightly as he looked at us. “This mission is dangerous, but it’s necessary. Any questions?”

I take a deep breath, feeling the weight of the responsibility settle on my shoulders. “What if things go wrong? Do we have an extraction plan?”

Amren smirks. “We have a plan. Azriel and I will be your backup. If things go south, we’ll get you out, girl.”

Azriel nods, his eyes meeting mine. “You won’t be alone out there. We’ll be watching.”

There is a moment of silence as everyone absorbs the gravity of this mission.

Finally, Rhysand speaks again, his voice resolute. “We leave at dawn. Get some rest and prepare yourselves.”

As we all stand to leave, Azriel catches my arm. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” he asks, his voice low.

I nod, following him to a quieter corner of the room. “What is it, Azriel?”

He hesitates, searching for the right words. “I know you’re capable. But this mission… it’s dangerous, and I can’t shake the feeling that something might go wrong. Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

His concern should touch me, but I can’t help and feel angry. “I know the risks, Azriel. And I’ll be careful. But you need to trust me to do my part.”

He sighs, running a scarred hand through his hair. “It’s not that I don’t trust you or your abilities. I just… I can’t lose you.”

Before I can respond, Lucien approaches.“Ready?” Lucien asks, his eyes flicker between Azriel and me. I nod, giving Azriel one last look.

“Ready.”

[elizzsush]

Merfolk Courting Rituals | TWST

Octavinelle Dorm X Reader

Azul X Reader, Jade X Reader, Floyd X Reader,

---- Merfolk typically have instinctual ways they begin 'courting' or a relationship, in the deep sea you need to be sure of your partner after all. (Non-Human courting rituals part 2/3)

Savanaclaw Ver. |

Floyd:

It was spring when it happened. Almost summer. The days we’re warming up and everyone was suffering a bit for it.

Usually, you would be able to go about your business alone, or perhaps with the company of Grim if he felt like it. Today however, a certain eel was towering over your shoulder. “Shrimpy~” he’d giggle, a shiver was sent down your spin at his voice.

You slowly turned around. “A-ah? Hey Floyd…” you smiled warily. You usually, like most people in school, avoided the eel like the plague. He flashed his sharp teeth at you and extended his hand, the other one in his pocket in a more relaxed manner then your posture.

“A tooth…?” You squinted at the item, it was pointy: like his own teeth.

Realistically, you didn’t really wanna hold this. Not that you’d tell him that. You glanced up at him again and saw those same teeth, not a single one out of place. “Do ya like it?~”

He leaned closer to your face, his eyes widened ever so slightly in a more intimidating manner. Clearly his lack of personal space had never changed. “Um… yes! I do…?!” You were quick to awnser back.

Pleased with himself, he giggled loudly and walked away.

What was that about?

After that he’d keep approaching you with odd gifts… at one point he presented you with the largest pearl you’ve ever laid your eyes on and then the next day he gifted you with a handful of beautiful scales.

You dreaded to think about the poor mer behind that gift…

Either way, this was suspicious, right? When Floyd leech approached you, you either run away or get squeezed, why were you getting gifts? It also didn’t help your relationship with the Housewarden of Heartslabyul, who now avoids you like the plague.

Seriously, when you walk into a room Riddle happened to be in, he jumps up and leaves immediate- sometimes even running away like you were his tormentor instead of Floyd!

You’d also noticed that Floyd would yawn more around you… You didn’t think you were boring either because he wouldn’t be around you if you were boring to begin with! “Are you getting enough sleep?”

“Eh? Shrimpy doesn’t like me?” Floyd pouted, You noticed him glance at your mouth breifly. “Shrimpy~ that’s rude.” He’d whine louder, a darker look in his eyes than usual. You had no clue if you had offended him or not that time…

Another time was this happened. It actually happened far more often than you would think or enjoy.

“Shrimpy~” he’d say repeatedly to annoy you while you walked around school. Like when a sibling kept poking at you and claiming they weren’t touching you, but he had his hands behind his head as he followed behind you a bored expression on his face. He had been hanging around you more.

Sadly that meant your friends were less likely to approach you. And if they did it was because they neglected to see the towering eel boy.

“My, My, Floyd had taken quite a liking to you.” Jade stated offhandedly one day. You were at the Mostro Lounge (Azul was tired of Floyd skipping work and offered you free meals to hang out so Floyd would get back to work.)

You glanced at the Eel with a confused look. “What do you mean?” He simply looked down at the small necklace you had made with Floyd’s… gifts of a tooth and scales. I’m your defense they made very nice jewelry. Was it a bit messed up to be wearing some students scale and possibly their tooth? Perhaps… but you were poor and wanted something nice to wear.

With the same odd mysterious smile, Jade was off to serve the next costumer.

So you took it upon yourself to figure out what that meant!

First you went asking around Octavinelle. This was a bad idea because most students avoid you like you were Floyd.

Thankfully you managed to corner one, A trembling student you was glancing behind and around you the whole while you talked to him. "So?" You finally asked, a hand on your hip.

"Uh... What? C-could you repeat the question...?" He finally looked to you.

"Whats up with Floyd!" You finally snapped a bit, with a groan and a small eyeroll you glared at the smallfry.

"A-aren't you his...?"

"What on earth does that mean..." You groaned in annoyance too yourself. You were still, very, extremely lost.

Jade:

Whatever do you mean? You started courting him first if he wasn’t mistaken.

It was a Monday afternoon during autumn you believed, when he was serving you in the Mostro Lounge while you were studying. (They had a exclusive deal that lasted only that day) It was pretty late and so, you, like a very normal human, yawned. “My, If I’m not mistaken this is hardly that time of year.” He replied slyly as he gave you your half off drink.

You just glanced at him in confusion as he bowed and excused himself, ever the polite waiter.

That was… odd.

What was stranger was, now Jade has this habit of gifting you things he found on his hikes. It started with a flower to then a mushroom and for some reason he had gifted you a rock? He said he found it “fascinating” So he gifted it to you.

You didn’t really know either…

This whole issue began to intimidate you. I mean, Jade leech, gifting you things? There had to be some kind of motive behind it! There is always a motive behind the Octa-trios advances.

So, not wanting to owe him anything, you began gifting him things in return. “I found this at the store and thought you might like it.” You’d smile warily and a bit nervously as you extended a hand, in it a Dorsel Fin candy.

He’d smile and accept your gift, you’d breath a sigh of relief and go about your day as usual. At least now you didn’t owe him anything!

Now it became a habit, or a fun little game! Whenever Jade would gift you something, you’d look for something of equal value or better! Something he’d like. You’d attempt to one up him, but it was as if he knew about your game somehow and wasn’t letting you win.

Eventually it started to become something else, he was just... always there now? You'd turn around and almost scream! Because: was he there the whole time?

The worst part? He helped you so much more than half the time you turned around, and he wasn't there, you wished he was. He was making your life harder by not being there!

Here is the thing, you can't just get someone use to having a nice, helpful helping hand who is also attractive and then just take that away! Its inhumane.

You gifted him a terrarium you made yourself.

You didn't know why you did it. Maybe you liked his company and wanted to show your appreciation, maybe it was just because you were fond of him.

It was pretty out of the blue as well. You had been working on it for a week now, it wasn't anything remotely at Jade's own level but it was nice. (It better have been because that hike to gather everything almost killed you.)

Was it worth it? Yes. Seeing his eyes widen slightly before he regained his composure was absolutely worth it. He almost had to cough into his hand in Suprise.

Jade wasn't the most expressive, but you had a few ideas of what his Suprise would be look like. "Do you like it?"

"I do perfect. Thank you."

Note: Jade will never confess. It'll be one of those relationships where you don't know how it started but now your married so... Have fun!

Azul:

He was hopeless. Everybody knew this simple fact, except of course: you.

He was a businessman, not a... romance man!

From the way he'd tug at his tie like it was choking him when you were around, to how flushed he'd get when you even glanced in his direction. This guy was absolutely hopeless.

He actually turned... A very bright red was he turning purple as well? and immediately fixes his posture when you're in the room.

Thankfully, it takes two to tango and you were interested in him as well.

So, yeah, it was up to you to pursue the shady businessman who isn't very shady around you and instead acts like, in his own words, "an idiot."

So, no... he doesn't exactly court you. You court him.

You bring him cool things you find, blabber on about what you like and what you think he would like. He was... very confused and flustered, but happy you were there.

It was only after you took an active role in the relationship that he relaxed slightly and began to play along. Giving gifts back and ranting about the business and some poor unfortunate soul he scammed helped.

As everything began to relax in your guy's relationship. It got too comfortable, well, comfortable wasn't the right word. He was comfortable, you were suffering.

Why wasn't he making a move?! Didn't he like you?

Meanwhile, he was feeling pretty good. Jade and Floyd had gotten to a place where they don't tease him as much about not being able to make a move with you. (He didn't you made all the moves.) And his crush was showering him with attention!

You'd glance at him nervously while you sat at Mostro Lounge. He was counting his contracts. His new ones he had started to reaccumulate.

You physically couldn't hold it back anymore. It had been a week. A whole week of nothing new happening between the two of you. The words fell from your lips fast, like rushing water you tried to hold back but couldn't. It would have always slipped through the cracks in your fingers anyway... So you asked him, the burning question. "I like you. Do you like me...?" You finally blurted out.

"What?" He froze up. His head whipping in your direction he didn't know what to do or say and- he was ruining this wasn't he?

Azul had always been an anxious boy, it helped him- Because despite those anxieties he'd show them. he'd overcome them! He always had. But what do you do exactly when the person your heart has been beating oddly for asked that?

"I- um..." was all you needed before you stood up and left. Trying to fight back the small burn that began in your eyes before you cried. "Wait!" He called out but you had been out the door far too soon to even remotely hear him.

It was... a whole thing. He hated it, you hated it, and despite him refusing to admit it, you both cried over it. You always did love the classic miscommunication trope. But it happened. And frankly, you' prefer it this way in the long run. Because when everything was cleared up...

You got to kiss the octopus boy!

A smile on your face when you pulled away, he stared at you slightly shocked but very happy.

In a side note, after you kissed him, he wondered around aimlessly for a good while before he broke out of whatever spell you put him under. (You're still the magicless perfect of ramshackle...)

___________

Note: Floyd is my favorite. I hope you could tell lol Do I adore Azul? Yes! Was he the last one I wrote so it was kind of rushed and not very long? Also yes... I tried to make it a bit special-er?

[barcaatthemoon]

shared wardrobe || lucy bronze x reader ||

you have a habit of wearing lucy's things out.

you woke with a start. the sun was shining brightly in the sky, and the light poured in through the window. you started to move, but an arm held onto you tightly, trapping you in. slowly, bits of your night came back to you, and with it, the realization that you had definitely missed training that day.

"fuck!" you exclaimed. this time, you managed to separate yourself from lucy's grasp. you hated having to leave the comfort of lucy's bed, but you had promised irene, alexia, and sandra that you'd meet them for lunch after practice.

"shut up and come back here," lucy grumbled. you sighed as you turned around to look at her. she had yet to open her eyes, but you absolutely had to make it. alexia would have your ass if she came to get you only to find that you weren't there.

"i can't stay, but i'll come back after lunch. do you want me to bring you back something to eat?" you offered. lucy shook her head as she buried her face into the spot where you'd been laying. you ran around her room like a headless chicken trying to get ready. lucy managed to fall back asleep before you were gone, and you just barely made it to the restaurant in time.

"nice shirt. when did you start playing for manchester city?" sandra teased as you slid into the seat next to her. you furrowed your brows before glancing down at your shorts. you were definitely wearing your jean shorts from the night before, but instead of picking up the shirt you had meant to, you had accidentally grabbed lucy's shirt on the way out.

"what would poor little ona say if she saw you wearing the shirt of the enemy?" alexia teased. she stood behind you with her hands on your shoulders, massaging in a way that made you a bit nervous. alexia had always been able to do that, in a way that you assumed all big siblings could. you were an only child, but when you joined barcelona and the spanish national team, you had gained more "big sisters" than you knew what to do with.

"congratulations," you muttered as you took a sip of sandra's drink. the goalkeeper let you have it, but she did kick you under the table for your comment. "hey, i've earned this, okay? i'll be sure to pick something else up on my way back too."

"disgusting. i never should have let you room with leila," alexia scoffed. she playfully smacked you upside the head, never hitting you enough to actually hurt. she had come close to it once, and a part of you was convinced that she hadn't forgiven herself for it.

"just be safe and use protection," irene told you. she knew that you'd always be safe, having had a sex talk every single time that one of them or another older player thought you even had crush on someone else. you were nearing 26, but they still treated you like the team baby.

"you guys aren't mad that she's older than me?" you asked. alexia shrunk back as she sat in her seat, more than ashamed for having nearly beaten up mapi when you developed a crush on her. irene and sandra had been a bit confrontational with mapi when she transferred over, but the defender made it clear to them that she wasn't interested. although, neither of you would ever let them know that you had secrectly been dating at the time of her transfer, but she was too stressed trying to keep it a secret from the rest of the girls. "i thought i wasn't allowed to date up like that."

"you're in a different place now. i think that spending time in with lucia will be good for you. she's not much of a partier, and it would do you some good to get yourself out of that habit," irene said. she wanted what was best for you, and in her mind, that was getting you into the habit of settling down. she knew that your party girl persona was just a facade, one that you used to protect yourself from being heartbroken.

"olga may have pointed out to me at the last game how cozy you had been getting, so i am not surprised," alexia admitted. she rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly as she continued, "i just want you to be careful. you are both my friend, and i would not want to have to make any choices."

"don't worry, ale. i know what i'm doing," you told them. you did know what you were doing with lucy, and you knew exactly where you wanted things to go. you wanted everything with her, certain that you had finally found your person. you could see yourself settling down with lucy and starting a family, she was the only person you could see a forever with.

…

"it doesn't fit. the shirt is too small." you looked at lucy with tears in your eyes. whenever lucy had told you about her final game as a lioness, you had prepared yourself for a lot of tears. what you hadn't prepared for was to be pregnant.

the doctor had told you not to expect anything from the test process. you had been inseminated to know what it felt like and to see if any of your eggs could be fertilized. there were a series of tests run that should have killed any activity, but here you were starting to show with your little miracle baby.

"hey, it's okay. calm down, love." lucy put her arms around you and pulled you in for a hug. in the short amount of time that you'd been pregnant, lucy had been great about calming you down. you were a passionate and emotionally intense person, and your hormones were only making it worse.

"no it's not because i can't fit into the jersey, lucy. i don't even look pregnant, i just look fat!" you raised your voice and stomped your feet. lucy walked you back over to the bed and sat you down. there was no way that other people hadn't heard you, and if her teammates had questions, she was more than happy to answer them. each of them cared for you as if you had come up with the rest of them, like you were a lioness as well.

"you aren't fat. we didn't plan on you showing, and that's okay. do you want to wear one of my sweatshirts out so that nobody knows? i've got one from this camp. it doesn't look like the jersey, but it's warm and still has my last name on it," lucy offered. she took the shirt out of your hands as she replaced it with her sweatshirt.

you gingerly put it on. in your mind, it was a bit tight, but you weren't showing in it. lucy smiled as she leaned down to kiss you. she kissed your face all over as she muttered about how beautiful you looked in her sweatshirt. lucy loved seeing you in her clothes around the house, and it was almost just as good to see you wear them in public for her.

"hey little man," lucy greeted her nephew with a big hug and kiss. "i have an important job for you, okay? i need you to walk your tia to her seat and keep an eye on her. between you and me, she's a little sad, so make sure that you give her lots of love, okay?"

"yes ma'am." you glanced at him curiously as he saluted lucy before turning towards you. he extended his hand towards you with a smile that was all bronze. "milady."

"go on with him, you're getting the star treatment tonight babe," lucy muttered as she gave you one last kiss. you sat in a special section right up next to the pitch, close enough to touch the players on the bench in front of you. a few of them got up and would come talk to you a bit, checking in on the pregnancy or just to see how you felt about watching lucy retire.

at the final whistle, you were escorted down onto the pitch for lucy to give her goodbye speech. you held the microphone for her as she held you in one arm and her nephew in the other. lucy's family came down to stand around her with her teammates. there were a few players that you knew had retired already, girls that lucy had introduced you to a few times on trips back up to england.

"i am so proud of you," you said as you cupped lucy's cheeks. "i can't wait to wear this name on my jersey one day."

"you'll do it proudly, and if i'm lucky, you'll be the first bronze to win the world cup," lucy said. the two of you had been deliberate in your family planning, hopeful that you'd be back in your normal form by the time that the next world cup rolled around. "and if not, we've got some pretty good other options too if i do say so myself."

"how do you know the baby is gonna be a footballer?" lucy's nephew asked as he placed his hand on your stomach. "i think it'll be a singer."

"nah mate, that baby's gonna be the best right back in the world," lucy said. "just like their mum."

…

"lucy!" you shouted from the nursery. lucy raced in from the bedroom, clad only in a towel and dripping wet. she looked panicked as she looked around to see what could possibly be wrong. "can you get me a different shirt please? vincent threw up on mine."

"you can't yell like that," lucy grumbled as she walked out of the bedroom. you followed her with the baby in your arms. you had changed your son immediately after his little incident, but had yet to get a chance to change yourself. "get him out of here, i have to change."

"he's a baby luce, and i need a shirt to wear. quickly please, i'm getting cold," you told her. lucy sighed and handed you the one she had planned on wearing. you were still trying to get back into wearing your pre-maternity clothes, but it was proving to be difficult to shed the baby weight. you were training like crazy, but you needed to get used to how your body had changed.

you happily put on lucy's shirt while she held vincent. you took him into the living room after to give lucy privacy. it took her a while, but she eventually made it out after having to adjust her outfit choice. it was a barcelona team dinner to celebrate them getting another sweep, but also a celebration of your son's first birthday. he had become like the team's unofficial mascot, often resulting in him being passed around the locker room like simba.

"cameras," lucy grumbled as she put on the baby backpack. you watched as she shielded vincent's face completely from the paps as she walked in. lucy had prefected that move, which you were impressed it. you followed in behind them, stopping a couple of times to pose for the cameras. you knew that someone on twitter or tiktok would have fun with it, most likely adding it to a compliation video of you wearing lucy's shirts or fucking with the press.

…

you wore lucy's clothes all the time. in fact, it was rare that you wore an outfit made up of things from your side of the closet. even if it was something as small as a ring, bracelet, or necklace, you had something of lucy's. occasionally, she'd wear one of your bracelets or a necklace, but she rarely took your actually clothing. today seemed to be an exception.

you had gone to the game on your own early to warm up. lucy's knee had been acting up, so you had asked ingrid to come and get you. that meant that you hadn't seen lucy get ready for the day. when you left, she was still in her pajamas as she played dinosaurs with vincent, who also wasn't even close to being ready.

lucy had her methods of getting him dressed for the day, which differed greatly from yours. she let him run around in between articles of clothing, meaning that it was an all morning affair for lucy to get him dressed. you couldn't imagine how rough things would be when you transferred up to manchester for him to start school in september. lucy would be on her own for a few weeks while you got all the club things figured out.

"are they in matching outfits?" keira asked as she looked into the stands. you followed her gaze to see your son and wife dressed in matching outfits. "where did she get that?"

"my dresser," you answered. you pinched the bridge of your nose as you approached them. vincent brightened up immediately, clapping and shouting for you. you hopped over the barrier and took him from lucy, who pressed a kiss to your cheek. "nice outfit."

"thank you, he asked if we could match," lucy said. you knew that wasn't completely the truth. vincent didn't immediately argue though, you assumed that it was a mutual thing. lucy liked to act tough sometimes, but you knew how soft the woman was. you were a pretty big soft spot for her, but your son was a bigger one.

"i think you look cute, and i should post a picture on instagram later," you told her. lucy pulled a face, but you knew that she'd let you get it anyway. you brought them down to the field, and vincent excitedly ran around letting everybody know that lucy was wearing the same outfit as him. "you look good in my clothes. that shirt is definitely too small, but i'm kind of into it."

"it's uncomfortable as hell. why do you like everything so tight?" lucy asked as she tugged at the shorts.

"how else am i meant to keep you around?" you asked her. lucy shook her head as she chuckled. both of you knew that you didn't need to show off to keep lucy around, she had married you after all. she was in it for the long haul, and had proven it time and time again when things got a bit tough.

[dabislittlemouse]

“𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞, 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝐦𝐞…”

Part 3 | Dabi x fem!reader

CW: yandere themes, some mentions of noncon, gaslighting, manipulation, kidnapping, complicated feelings, stockholm syndrome, smut

SYNOPSIS: you are finally saved from the hands of your captor, who was now locked up, far away from you. But to this day, the memory of him still haunts you in your dreams, still so present in your life, still reminding you that you are his girl.

A/N: I apologise for the long wait everyone , now I’m finally free to write more (*^ω^*) Dabi is a fucking asshole in this one

Part 2 | REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED

A few days had passed since you read the letters, something that you definitely regretted doing. Burning the letters did nothing because the words written in it were still burning you from the inside.

When you were rescued, you remembered actually crying, for days even, to the point your eyes were puffy and red. You remember crying the moment heroes showed up and snatched you away from where Dabi was keeping you hidden. Endless tears rolled down your cheeks, normally people would say that you felt relieved and happy that you were finally escaping that nightmare, of course you’d cry.

But was that really it?

Were you crying because you were relieved to be rescued? Or because you were leaving him? Abandoning him.

“Y’know doll, I gotta admit it feels nice knowing I have someone with me who can’t abandon me. It feels relieving, knowing that you belong to me. Never had anything that belonged to me before” he told you one night, as you were both sitting in the balcony, him smoking while you were playing with his hair.

“Where would I even go? I’m basically a prisoner, I can’t run away and abandon you even if I tried” you replied calmly, not daring to put any sort of attitude in your tone. But luck was on your side, he was in a good mood that night.

Dabi chuckled. “I hate when you use that word, really. Almost reminds me of how much of a horrible man I am”

“Are you?” You raised an eyebrow, asking the obvious.

Dabi shook his head, turning towards you and leaning closer, almost touching your lips, blowing some smoke in you.

“What really matters is that you really love this horrible man in front of ya. And even if one day I let you go, you won’t be able to leave me and abandon me.”

Your eyes widened at his statement. Was he crazy? If he actually let you go one day, you would run as fast as you could, disappear off the face of earth. His confidence on this matter frustrated you, as if he had created this illusion of you in his head that you really loved him and would always be there for him, while in reality you hated him. He was sick in the head.

“We can’t be apart from each other, princess. You might think at first that you are fine, happy, but slowly you’ll feel that you’re missing something” he grabbed your head with both his hands, his eyes never leaving yours, staring right through your soul. “Every thought in this pretty head of yours belongs to me, I will always be engraved in those thoughts, forever. If you think you’ve ever escaped me, you haven’t. If you think you can stay away from me, you can’t. Wherever I’ll be, you’ll come to me yourself. Because you love me too much” he smirked, his words sinking deep into your mind.

So when you were rescued, you cried a lot, and while telling yourself you were crying because the horrible things you experienced, deep down you knew it wasn’t it. You were crying because you were leaving him. And you loathed yourself for it, and the guilt gnawing inside of you.

“I should go outside” you told yourself, remembering that you didn’t leave the house for days, dwelling in your thoughts and worries alone in your room. The weather was pretty, and some sun would do you good. Dressing up and grabbing some snacks, you went outside, hoping that for a bit the demons in your head would leave you alone.

But you didn’t realise that one of them, was right behind you, while you were walking on the empty park. He was wearing a pair of glasses and a hood, slowly approaching you. It didn’t took you too long to notice his presence, already used to living on edge and being aware of your surroundings all the time. You turned around, feeling tense while you kept your distance, panic visible in your face.

“Don’t be scared, I’m not going to hurt you” the man said, raising up his hands. “I’m just here to deliver a message from our lieutenant”

You squinted at him in disbelief, before it hit you.

The lieutenant…

..the lieutenant of the PLF

Dabi.

“W-What message?!” you stuttered, your heart pounding in your chest. He sent one of his men your way to personally deliver you a message, even though you had ignored his letters in the past few months, he still kept going, finding a way to affect your life and always be there. For some time you had tried to gaslight yourself into thinking Dabi wasn’t actually real, he was a nightmare that died long ago in the past. Nobody ever mentioned him to you, and you didn’t either. You were almost believing it.

But having this man right in front of you, mentioning him, letting you know that Dabi does exist, and he is in the present, still thinking of you, made you feel again the warmth of those hands touching your body all over. You felt them wrapping around your throat, invisible scarred hands decorated with metallic staples, slowly strangling you and cutting your airway, he was here.

“Every Sunday, he is allowed to get visits at 5 o’clock” the man continued, snapping you out of your dark thoughts. “Being a high ranked villain makes it difficult to reach him in prison, and most of the things are restricted whilst the accessibility is limited. They won’t easily give you the information you need”

No way.

“And why are you telling me this?!” you said, voice almost shaking but you tried to stay composed. “Does.. does he really think I’ll go visit him? Tell that monster he is dead to me!”

“Don’t play coy” the man quietly replies. “He is well aware that you tried to find information about the visiting hours in Tartarus a week ago. We both know what that means”

Your face turned hot, and your hands started sweating, like someone who got caught doing something they shouldn’t.

How does he know your every move? How does he always find the perfect timing to reach you, playing with your emotions, even if he is locked away from you?

“I am part of you princess, you can’t escape me” his low voice echoed in your brain. You shook your head, taking in a deep breath. What was supposed to be a nice relaxing day outside turned out quite the opposite.

You’d like to believe that you’re strong, that you’re over him. Maybe deep down it wasn’t that way, but you could totally show the opposite outside, you could fake it all and pretend that he never affects you. Face him and show it right in front of him, that you are ready for a new life, without him, you’re willing to heal and move on, despite the difficulties. Maybe only then, he will leave you alone. Face your fears, or so they say.

You gave the man a cold stare, before forcing a smile on your face.

“I may have been digging for information yes, not that is any of your business, but thanks for making my job easier”

I’ll make sure to tell him right in his face how happy I am without him and how I burned all his pathetic letters.

Sunday came by fast, but you had enough time to prepare emotionally for everything. As much as you hated doing this, you also had the need to see him, that was gnawing inside of you. Maybe if you saw him in his pathetic state, locked up in prison, you’d see how powerless Dabi actually is compared to you, how you’re worrying over nothing, and it would help you heal faster. You also wanted to grow a backbone, to fight for yourself and set your boundaries, already tired of living in fear and being controlled by the nightmares of your past which would creep their way into the present. You were in control, and that gave you a certain confidence.

You made sure to look as decent as possible, not giving out any sign of weakness, wearing formal clothes which added more to your confidence. You were building up a facade, something that Dabi had never seen before when you were his captive, you wanted to show him that you had changed, you weren’t that poor weak girl anymore and he had no control whatsoever. Whether it was the truth or a lie, does it really matter? Better to fake it than cry yourself to sleep every night tormented by him, you thought.

“Where to, miss?” the taxi driver asked. You told him your destination, to which he reacted with a surprised look on his face. On the way, he tried to pry here and there, curiosity taking the best of him, though you didn’t give him much information.

You found yourself in front of the facility, two guards coming towards you. You took in a deep breath, stepping forward to enter inside, being brought inside a small office. An officer was sitting near his desk, viewing some papers, before turning to you.

“Visits will end in one hour” he firmly said.

“I am aware” you replied. A few seconds passed by in silence, before you spoke again.

“…I wanted to visit Dabi”

The mere mention of his name in your own tongue felt so foreign and yet so familiar it made you feel nauseous.

The officer looked at you in what you could say shock, because high ranked villains were mostly visited by pro heroes and higher ranks of society. And you looked nothing of the sort. Though he didn’t stick his nose further into your business, he’d already gotten the necessary information about you and simply guided you into a room, with nothing but a chair in it. A glass separated you from the other side of the room, where prisoners were brought.

So you waited.

And waited.

Your overwhelming emotions and erratic heartbeats deafened your senses, seconds felt like hours as the guards went to get Dabi. You suddenly wanted to bolt away from the room, the nausea getting worse.

You should head back while you have time. Just get out, you shouldn’t have come here-

“Won’t even look at me, princess~?”

The timber of that voice brought you back to the harsh reality you were facing, your vision cleared and now you could hear everything. Your nails dug in your thighs, it took everything in you to not start trembling.

This was a bad idea.

You swallowed it down, as hard as it was to lift up your head, you still did it. Meeting face to face with that haunting face. His striking blue eyes remained the same, quite the opposite to your expectations they still held life, power, fire. He looked like anything but a pathetic locked up villain with a life sentence. His dark fluffy hair, with the white roots showing, his patched skin and piercings remained the same. Dabi stood there in front of you, like a man who wasn’t in prison, with his usual smug expression as he glared at you. He didn’t smile, didn’t do anything but stare at you for a good while, studying you, studying the way you have changed.

You thought to take advantage of the silence.

“…I am not here because I wanted to see you or missed you” you began, clearing your throat, keeping your voice stable. You had practiced what to say many times. “I am here to make it clear to you that things between us have ended, you gotta stop bothering me. All the letters you’ve sent me.. I burned them all and threw them away. It’s.. really pathetic to see you haven’t given up after all this time, can’t it get more clear that I never wanted you? So I am respectfully asking, to stop bothering me and-”

“You’re so fucking sexy”

His statement interrupted your speech, the words got caught in your throat, catching you completely off guard. You felt your face burn, and you couldn’t continue without stuttering. And there it was, his signature smirk appearing on Dabi’s face, soon turning into a wider smile as he enjoyed your little reactions.

“You haven’t changed at all, princess. Look at ya, still gettin’ all shy and flustered so easily, god I just missed this so bad~”

“Did you- did you even hear what I was saying?!” you raised your voice, embarrassment now turning into anger.

Stay calm, you need to stay calm and composed. Don’t give him the reaction he so badly wants.

You took in a deep breath, barely holding eye contact with those blue orbs that still had the same effect on you as before, making you feel small. You felt so small, but you had to act big. He shouldn’t know your weakness.

“Oh, I heard it all” Dabi said, licking his lips. “Though I couldn’t help but get distracted by that pretty face of yours, sweetheart. You’re tryin’ to be all serious and assertive here, makes ya look so hot I gotta admit.”

The look on his eyes was feral. If it wasn’t for this glass separating you two and his restraints, he surely would have pounced on you. Desire was dulling his senses, he felt his body burning hot as he took in your sight. You looked like a new person, the way you stood bravely in front of him, the way you spoke firmly, but those pretty eyes of yours gave it all away. He could see what was hiding inside, the desperation, the fear, the submission he so much loved.

“How have you been, my love? Living your happily ever after with some new guy perhaps?” he chuckled. “Since you never answered my letters, I feel like I deserve an answer now at least don’t I?” Dabi said, approaching closer to the glass. “And don’t give me that crap of you throwing it all away and forgetting about me, it ain’t gonna work doll”

“It is true though!” you snapped back. “I never bothered to read them, I told you I have moved o-”

“And you know damn well I hate liars” he interrupted you, giving you an intense stare that instantly made you break eye contact. “I am sure I’ve told you that, haven’t I love? You’re a terrible liar, and while it’s fun to watch you try to make up things, it really, really pisses me off. And-”

“And you’re not a patient man..” you mumbled to yourself, having memorised his words since back then.

“That’s a good girl” he grinned. “See, you still remember it all don’t cha?”

You shook your head. “I-I mean it though, I want you out of my life. Stop reaching out for me! I want to move on and-”

“You should get some things straight, princess-” Dabi interrupted again.

Fucking asshole.

“Stop interrupting me!” you raised your voice again, and you were instantly met with a chilling cold gaze.

“Y/N”

The mentioning of your name made your breath hitch. Back then, whenever he mentioned your name, not any of the nicknames he gave you, but your full name, that’s when he’d get angry. That’s when he’d punish you, burn you, almost kill you. That’s when you wished to just die, for the suffering to end. And hearing him say your name again, made you go silent whilst your eyes burned with tears that threatened to fall.

“Don’t be a brat now, sweetheart” Dabi let out a sigh before continuing to where he left off. “Moving on and creating a new happy pathetic life is your decision, no matter what external factors get in the way. But your pretty head can’t wrap around this that easily, y’keep blaming me for your constant failures to move on”

You stared at him in confusion. “Huh?! What do you mean?”

“All I’m sayin’ is, if you wanted to move on you totally could, no matter what I do. But you can’t move on, because you love me. You came all the way to see me. Can’t you understand this, little flame?” he chuckled.

“I don’t love you!” you screamed at his face, standing up from your chair. Your glossy eyes met his, your little facade slowly breaking as he finally saw you for what you were.

“There she is” he leaned back, watching you in amusement. “Missed my girl so damn much, you have no fucking idea, I wonder if those tears taste the same again~”

“…shut up”

“What, did you come here to tell me all the crap about moving on? Why would I even care about that bullshit, love? By lying to me you’re only lying to yourself” he clicked his tongue. “Life is easier when you’re true to your feelings, princess.”

“You’re fucking delusional, you’re sick in the head! Just so you know, I am so happy you will rot in here forever” you said through gritted teeth.

“Is that a way to speak to your man?” Dabi’s eyes widened, as if in shock. “You wound me, baby. What did I even do to you other than show you my unconditional love?”

You were about to insult him again when his gaze shifted down to his pants.

“Tch, look at that. Look what you do to me, baby. Did you come here to edge me, you little brat?” he cackled, your face burned in shame and anger at the way he mocked you, you couldn’t stand this any longer.

“You perverted fucking asshole!” you screamed, banging so hard at the glass that separated you both it almost cracked. “You’re disgusting! I hate you!!”

Instantly the guards rushed into the room, some grabbing Dabi and the rest grabbing you, asking for you to calm down. Whilst you screamed and cussed at him, Dabi laughed, his laugh got louder and echoed in the room while being dragged away.

You couldn’t even do a simple thing, he drove you crazy without even touching you or using any force on you. Just by his words, the villain easily taunted you and broke you. He could see through your lies.

Meanwhile, Dabi got thrown in his prison cell, door locking immediately. He was excited, full of energy. Chuckling to himself, he looked down at the formed bulge on his pants.

“Shit” he whispered. Unzipping his pants, he lowered his boxers and took in his hardened cock, veins almost popping out as the red angry tip begged to be stroked. He lazily pumped his cock, up and down with slow movements, breathing heavily while the image of you earlier invaded his brain. Your glossy eyes, your reddened angry face, puffy cheeks and pouty lips, your trembling voice, it drove him to the edge. He wanted you so bad, missed you so much, if only he could break through that glass and take you right there, forcefully bend you over and shove it in before the guards came in. “Nghh fuck..miss that.. fuckin’ pretty pussy..” he breathlessly said, pretending it was your cunt he was fucking instead of his fist. His eyes rolled at the back of his skull as he came hard, ropes of white cum wetting his fist as it dripped down on the ground.

Next time he came this hard, it would be right on your face.

Soon.

🏷️ tags: @hunajan @baby-tini @ameliaenya404 @syrenkitsune @irinangels @dabisangle @murderous-snail @ilovemushroomss @sarcastic-cookie @touyalove

[dancingtotuyo]

14. in the cold light i live to love and adore you

Woman | Joel Miller X Female Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: you adjust to life with a newborn. Joel finally gets to tell you something

Tags: Joel Miller X Female Reader. Age Gap (13/14 years). HBO Characters. Mostly cannon compliant for show & game. Timeline is changed. Spoilerish for TLOU 2

Chapter Warnings: fluff, angst, hurt and comfort, TLOU SPOILERS

Notes: To my beautiful beta readers @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin and @janaispunk, I adore you both with my whole, entire heart!

Words: 3931

Series Masterlist | Author Masterlist | Playlist

The winter winds blow in with gusto, granting one of the coldest you’ve seen in Jackson yet. The ground freezes in October and it stays that way into the next year. Reports say you lose more patrolmen to cold than infected even with the uptick in sightings. The brutal winter is relentless, keeping its freezing claws in the world well into the new year. You think if Al Gore is still alive, he’d be happy to see this kind of freeze, but Jackson keeps turning despite it. 

Rachel Perkins organizes a play for the kids. Willa is assigned the part of a butterfly. She has all kinds of ideas for her costume, continuously searching for items to assemble it. Joel shapes some old wire into wings and you manage to wrap them with pink and purple scraps of fabric. 

Someone gifts Willa an old tutu that needs mending in about three different places, but it’s easy work. Except once her ensemble is put together, you have no success convincing her to wear anything but the wings and sparkly pink tutu requiring another two mending jobs. On the third straight day, her wings require readjusting after they got bent out of shape during a game of tag. 

A few people decide there should be a dance, so within a couple of days, the Tipsy Bison is packed with dancing bodies and music and life. Carter finds his friends in a quiet corner. Willa runs, weaving through the crowd in her butterfly costume despite numerous attempts to talk her out of it. 

“At least it makes her easy to spot.” Joel winks at your side, whiskey in his hand. 

“Finding Willa in a crowd has never been an issue.” You laugh, taking the glass from Joel. He smiles as you take a sip before handing it back to him. 

“No, I don’t suppose it has.” Joel laughs.

“There you two are. About time you showed up.” Tommy grins, walking toward you with Maria at his side.

Joel rolls his eyes but it’s all in good fun as he clasps hands with Tommy. 

“I see Willa is practicing for the recital,” Maria laughs, her eyes pinned to her niece. 

“Haven’t been able to get her to wear anything else,” you sigh, rubbing your forehead. “I’ve already mended the damn tutu three times, it’s hanging on for dear life at this point.”

Joel chuckles, arm threading around your waist. “Can’t beat the smile on her face though.”

“I’m handing you the needle and thread next time she comes in with a tear.” You roll your eyes in playfulness. 

“Hey, I’ve fixed those wings several times now too.”

“Sounds like I need to send Elias’s pants over to your place,” Maria says. “I think every single pair needs patching.”

“I remember when Carter was in that phase. I gave up there for a while. Let him run around with holes. He didn’t seem to care.” 

“I’m about to resort to that.”

“Get Tommy to do it. He had to sew me up a couple times. Did a damn good job,” Joel grins. “You know that one scar.” He looks at you. 

You know it. It runs across the side of his torso, the scar so thin and faded, you thought it was from a surgery before the outbreak. You nod. 

“Tommy stitched that one.”

“Damn,” your eyes flicker to him. “I can hardly stitch someone up that nicely.”

“Luck,” Tommy shrugs. 

“Skill,” you correct. 

“You’ve been holding out on me,” Maria jabs her husband with her index finger. 

“Ow! Have not-“ Tommy says, but Joel is tugging you away from them before you can gather the rest of their argument. His deep chuckle settles in your ear.

“What are you doing?”

“Takin my woman for a spin on the dance floor. What does it look like?” He grins, guiding you into the sea of dancers in the middle of the floor. 

You suppose you should hate it when he calls you his “woman.” There was always something about it in the world before that felt derogatory, like men were trying to claim women as property, reducing them to a single component. It sounds cliche you know, but it’s not like that when Joel says it. 

You don’t have a title on your relationship. For you, to be called his in any capacity is an honor, just as he’s yours. Your partner, your co parent, your lover, all of those and more encompassed into the title “your man” and “his woman”

My Girl plays over the record player bringing a smile to your lips. The first of many songs you and Joel danced to both in the public eye and the quiet of your home.

He smiles down at you, eyes shining in deep, dark pools under the flicker of the lights strung from the rafters. You're drawn back to that first dance, the one you almost skipped out of but your feet carried to anyway. The way he held you. Kissed you, claimed you in front of Jackson without fear of the future even when you couldn’t do the same for him. Yet he stuck with you, waited for you

Moisture gathers in your eyes as you lay your head on his chest as he rocks back and forth. 

“I know, Sweetheart.” 

Your chest tightens with love for him. It’s not scary anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time. 

Willa runs into your legs, demanding a turn with Joel before the song is halfway over. You oblige as Joel picks her up. She laughs, arms tightening around his shoulders. You watch them from the sidelines, wishing you had a camera to capture the identical smiles on their faces, the curls that fall on their foreheads, Willa’s fairy wings, Joel’s broad shoulders. It’s a perfect moment. A slice of heaven on earth you think. 

Willa insists on a second song since they didn’t get a full one the first time. Carter dances a two step with you, his smile beaming the whole time as he masters the steps. Tommy pulls you out at some point- spinning you until you’re so dizzy you need to sit down. He finds it funny. 

The air buzzes with electricity throughout the whole night as you let your kids run around on their own accord in games of tag, sardines, hide and seek, and whatever else their brains concoct. 

It takes some time before Joel tracks you down again, pulling you away mid conversation with Rachel and Lindsey. He’s not the least bit remorseful. 

“You're in high demand tonight. I didn’t have another choice.” He winks at you as the music slows to a soft instrumental. 

“Did I protest?” 

He laughs, placing his lips firmly on yours. “I love you.”

You can’t help the smile that appears every time he says it. You settle against him, letting the soft music settle over your bones. “I love you too.”

You don’t speak for another minute, too wrapped up in him, listening to the steady thrum of his heart beating in time with yours. 

You catch Ellie and Dina on the dance floor together. There’s an extra reach in your smile. They’re out of your sight when Dina kisses Ellie. Then, Joel’s muscles tighten around you. 

Your brow furrows as your head lifts. “What is it?” 

Joel doesn’t respond, eyes locked straight ahead. You know that look and follow it straight to Ellie and Dina and Seth. Your stomach drops

Dina says something, a smile on her face before it fades and she walks away, Ellie’s hand in hers. 

“Remember next time there’s kids around,” Seth calls after them.

Joel tugs you behind him. You catch the vein in his neck popping out. He's ready to pounce, to protect Ellie at the first sight of danger. 

“Yeah cause you’re setting such a great example,” Dina retorts as she heads for the door. 

“Just what this town needs, another loud mouth dyke!” 

It cuts through the room like a knife, drawing others’ attention. 

“What the fuck did you just say?” Ellie spins on her heels, heading straight for Seth. Dina fights to hold her back, but it’s useless. 

“Hey!” Joel surges forward, pushing Seth backward. “Get the hell outta here!”

“Get your hands off of me!” Seth shouts back.

Maria and Tommy rush toward the commotion as Maria steps between the two men.

There’s a soft thud and the firm pressure of two small hands against the back of your thighs. You twist around, finding a mop of dark hair and eyes to match staring wide eyed at the scene unfolding before you. You run your hand over Willa’s head, encouraging her to keep behind you as Maria and Tommy usher Seth out of the Tipsy Bison. 

Then your eyes follow Joel. He’s not coming back toward you, but toward Ellie. You barely manage to keep the cringe at bay. Not here, you plead internally. 

“You alright, Kiddo?”  

“What is wrong with you?”

Some people have the decency to turn their heads, to act as if they aren’t listening in. Others just gawk, trying to glean any answers they can from the cold shoulder Ellie has given Joel over the last few years. 

“He had no right-”

“And you do?” Ellie asks, anger shaking her words. “I don’t need your fucking help, Joel.”

Joel’s eyes cut from hers, finding yours in the small crowd. You see the way it stings in his eyes, and then he looks away from you both as he slowly eases backward.

 “Right…” He says, so quiet you barely make it out as Joel turns away, walking out of the building on display for everyone to see. The door slams shut behind him, ushering in a cool gust of wind. 

Pairs of eyes flash to Ellie. Some find you. There are a few mumbles exchanged between people, but they quickly die down as the music turns up and people return to their own lives. Your eyes find Ellie’s as people begin to fill in the dance floor once more. She seems more vulnerable now, more like the young teen you remember. The one who put on a big front, but wore her emotions so clearly on her face. 

“Mommy?” Willa tugs at your shirt. “Why were Ellie and Daddy yelling at each other?”

You snap around, picking her up, the fairy wings she wears making it more difficult. “People fight sometimes.”

She seems to contemplate the words, her forehead crinkling with consternation, like she’s trying to remember all the fights she’s ever witnessed. It tips your lips upward. She looks so much like Joel when she does that. Sarah used to make a similar face. 

“You fight with Carter and Elias sometimes.”

She sighs exasperatedly, pushing her hair out of her face. She’s so much sass and thought wrapped into a tiny package. “Yeah, but they ‘noy me.”

You laugh this time, kissing her head. Ellie and Dina are gone when you look toward where they were. Willa yawns, laying her head on your shoulder. You suppose it’s time to go home anyway. 

You pull Carter away from a game of marbles happening in the corner much to his dismay, but he's all too proud to show you the new green one he won tonight on the way home. 

Joel sits on the front porch, cup of coffee steaming in his owl mug. He still uses the one you got him for his birthday, but try as you might, you can’t make the damn owl disappear. Nonetheless, it’s reassuring to find him in such a natural position after tonight. To find him waiting for you, for his family, to come home. Carter rushes ahead, eager to show off his new possession. Joel listens to him with rapt attention. 

Willa wiggles in your arms, sliding down to the ground and rushing for the front porch, no doubt jealous of the attention her older brother is receiving. Joel pulls her into his lap, eyes never diverting from Carter. It amazes you how easily it comes to him, balancing both of their needs for attention, making them feel so seen and loved at the same time. 

You hang out at the edge of the front porch, back resting against the railing simply observing. Joel glances up at you, offering a brief wink before he’s pulled back in by Carter. He lets it go on for a few minutes before reminding both children that it’s time to get ready for bed. 

A chorus of groans fills your porch. You push back a smile. It’s endearing tonight. It isn’t always. 

“Get it done and we’ll have time for a bedtime story,” Joel says. 

“And a song?” Willa asks. 

“Only if you’re snappy.” 

It’s a bold face lie and you both know it. All Willa has to do is ask, and Joel is humming opening measures, but it works nonetheless. Both kids are racing inside. He eases up, staking over to you. An arm wraps around your waist, tugging you closer. His breath is warm across your face in the cold of the winter night. He kisses you, soft but possessive, like he needs to assure himself you’re still here. That you’re not going anywhere. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

He shakes his head. “Later. We got kids to put to bed.”

He presses another kiss to your lips and then you’re both inside, ensconced in the bedtime routine. The four of you settle on the couch, a kid tucked into both of his sides, story book in hand. Reading glasses rest on Joel’s nose. Something you had admittedly teased him about. Old Man, you had called him more than once, but you like them.

Willa falls asleep before the last page. It doesn’t keep Joel from singing her a song when he tucks her into bed. His stripped version of Monday Morning drifts down the hallway HIs voice accompanied by Willa’s. Then he goes to Carter’s room. You catch a few words spoken between them, but can’t make them out. He sings to Carter. It makes you smile as you top off Joel’s coffee mug, the owl one. You hold the routine, the peace near. You doubt Carter has many bedtime serenades left before he decides he’s too old for them.  

When he comes out, Joel tucks his head into your neck. “Sit outside with me?”

“It’s freezing.”

“Please?” He kisses your neck softly. “I’ll keep you warm. Wrap you tight in a blanket. The wind ain’t bad tonight.” He tugs you closer and you sigh, knowing you’ve lost the fight already. 

“Fine, I’ll grab my jacket.”

You sit next to Joel on the porch swing as he plucks at the strings of his guitar, gleaning whatever body heat you can from him. His cup of coffee warms your hands. You turn the owl so it faces outward. The porch light casts a bluish hue over you. He still hasn’t said anything about tonight, hasn’t opened his mouth, but he continues pulling a melody from the instrument on his lap. 

You enjoy the moment for what it is. You take a single sip of his coffee, the substance bitter in your mouth as your eyes drift shut, head resting on Joel’s shoulder. There’s no pressure to say anything. You can just exist with each other in the freezing winter. It’s more than enough.

The guitar rings, but Joel stops playing, body easing forward. “Hey…” He says.

Your eyes open as he sets the guitar aside. Ellie stands at the opposing end of your porch, eyes focused on Joel. You sense their silent exchange, a long pause before either looks away. Ellie gives it another second before moving forward, resting her hands on the bannister. You immediately feel like an intruder. You’re not meant to be here for this. 

You lean over to Joel, kissing his cheek, handing him his mug without another word. You reach out, squeezing Ellie’s shoulder lightly as you pass by. She gives you a tight lipped smile. The front door clicks softly behind you, giving them their privacy,

Joel stands, cautiously joining her as the railing. 

“What’re you drinking?”

He lets out a little huff. “Coffee.”

Ellie watches him as she tries to think of her next words, formulating what she wants to say to him, what’s been building inside of her over the last several years. She’d held on to it for so long, and it’s all led her here. “Where’d you get that?”

“Those people who came through last week.” Another awkward pause. “A little embarrassed as to what I had to trade to get it, but…” he pulls the mug to his lips. “It’s not bad.” 

Ellie looks out, studying her house across the street. Joel follows suit, allowing her to direct things. Let her take the lead, it rings in his head. Sounds like you even. 

Joel focuses on his coffee mug, The steam that rises and dances up toward the sky until it disappears in thin wisps never to be seen again. The fog of his breathing joins it from time to time, creating a new dance, intertwining with each other only to separate. 

“I had Seth under control.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols.” She stands up straighter, looking at Joel as she gains her confidence back.

He nods, keeping his focus on his mug. “Okay.”

Ellie shuffles a bit, trying to decide if she’s going to leave it there or push. She expects more from Joel. She wants more from Joel. 

“Dina… is she your girlfriend?”

Ellie’s mind races. She shifts more thinking through her response. “No.” She shakes her head. Finally, Joel looks her way. Ellie’s eyes are all squinted up. “No, she- that was just one kiss. It doesn’t mean anything. She just- I don’t know why she did that.”

“But you do like her.”

Ellie takes a deep breath, trying to work through it all in her mind. She feels silly over it all. Looking away, she almost buries her head in her shoulder as tears well in her eyes. “I’m so stupid.”

Joel feels the fatherly instincts kicking in right away, “Look, I have no idea what that girl’s intentions are, but I do know that she would be lucky to have you.”

Ellie can barely get through his words, choking back the tears that form in her eyes. “You’re such an asshole.” It comes out almost like a whisper. 

“I’m not trying-”

“I was supposed to die in that hospital,” Ellie says, hand hitting the railing. “My life would have fucking mattered, but you took that from me!” She looks down at her feet, trying to reign in her emotions.

Joel says nothing, racking his brain for the right words to say. All this time, and they still didn’t exist, but he knows he wants to stop her pain.

Joel eases up, straightening his back. The mug settles atop the banister as he inhales deeply. “If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment…” He thinks through his words, wonders if there's a better way to say it. “I would do it all over again.” He meets her eyes, determination set in his.

Ellie doesn’t move, just lets it sink in. Her face softs almost and then a flash of annoyance, acceptance maybe as he catches tears glistening in her brown eyes. She gives a slight nod, rocking back and forth, trying to figure out if she can actually do this. “Yeah…” The words are a tangle in her head, will and want at war with each other. “I just… I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that.”

Joel eases back against the banister, feeling as if she’s slipping through his grasp again, as if he hadn’t known those words would keep her at bay, floating around his orbit but never in it. 

Ellie contemplates her words. She reconciles her feelings. She misses him too. “But… I would like to try.” Her face twists up as she fights the tears.

Moisture instantly pools in Joel’s eyes, emotions over taking him. He doesn’t like to show this side, he rarely does, but the relief that washes over his body is all consuming. He thought he’d lost her for good, and now here she is telling him she wants to try. She wants to forgive him. That’s enough for him, more than enough, and more than he deserves. 

Ellie lets out a long breath, tension easing from her body, like a weight was lifted, extracted from her. She feels lighter.

“I’d like that,” Joel says, getting caught up on the words. 

They both nod slightly, almost in unison, like they actually share genetics. 

“Okay,” Ellie says, almost like she doesn’t know where to go from here. She rocks back on her heels, catches Joel’s profile in the light. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yep.” 

Joel clears his throat as Ellie turns to leave. 

She’s at the bottom of the steps before he manages to pull it out. It’s not overly affectionate or loud, but it’s warm, solid. “I love you, Kiddo.”

She turns, surprised. There’s a brief uptick in her tightly drawn lips, but it’s a smile nonetheless. “You too, Old Timer.” 

You’re half asleep when Joe crawls into bed next to you. You let out a soft sigh, hand falling to his chest. “How’d it go?” you ask, eyes opening to mere slivers. 

Joel kisses your head. “Said she wants to try to forgive me.”

A sleepy smile finds your face. “Good.”

Joel chuckles, kissing your head. “Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

You smile. “Love you.”

“I love you too.”

You let out a soft sigh, letting sleep take you under. 

Joel lays awake that night, staring up at the ceiling, hand tucked under his head. His body is weary from the night, the dance, is confrontation with Seth and Ellie. He feels the ache of his 63 years in his joints, his back, but nothing covers up the deep seeded contentness that settles over him. 

He turns his head to look at you, fast asleep on your side facing him. You’re not quite tucked into him, arms and legs pressing against him. The exchange of body heat beneath the sheets is enough to stave off the winter chill. His lips tip upward.

He’s happy, undeniably so. Here with you next to his side. With the knowledge that Ellie wants to forgive him. With His two other children sound asleep in their rooms, tucked into beds where they feel safe.  

He pulls his hand from under his head, tracing the soft lines of your face, the bow of your top lip with his fingertips. You bristle softly, like his touch tickles, but you don’t stir. Joel knows you’re out for the night. 

He kisses your cheek, takes your free hand in his and kisses your knuckles before placing it over his beating heart, your hand sandwiched between his chest and palm. He should go to sleep. He has an early patrol with Tommy in the morning, but his mind buzzes with a quiet joy, keeping his eyes wide open. So he lays there, intent on memorizing the sound of your soft breathing, the warmth of your hand on him, and all the other little moments that lead him to this place in time. 

It’s some time before sleep tugs him under, but his eyes flutter shut with you in his periphery, lulled to sleep with the assurance he’s where he’s supposed to be.  

Tag List: @pedrotonin @amyispxnk @joeldjarin @ilovepedro @justagalwhowrites

@missladym1981 @jessthebaker @annieispunk @ashleyfilm @moel-jiller

@eloquentdreamer @lizzie-cakes @hiroikegawa

[doomed2repeat]

At first I thought that moment during the mirror scene where Colin pulls back and tells Pen to stop him if she doesn’t want to go further was just important because the show is taking consent more seriously since messing it up in S1.

Bridgerton Spoilers Below:

But now I realize it’s important context that people are missing out on when it comes to the “planned entrapment” moment later when he’s upset.

I keep seeing people mad at him for saying that, and yeah it seems harsh until you really think of Colin’s pov. Here’s a guy who has already been caught up in an entrapment scheme, who’s felt the embarrassment of that once already, who found love with someone who made him want to tear off his armor and be himself and be wholly open and vulnerable with her, and he gives himself to her. He checks in with her every step of the way, because his biggest desire- his literal dream fantasy- is to feel that Penelope is on the same level as him, that everything is reciprocal. He waits for her to say she wants him back and to nod in the carriage, he waits for her to say yes keep going in the mirror, he asks her if she’s ready for the next step even when he’s literally naked and on top of her.

He gave Penelope multiple opportunities to stop him and he always backed off and respected her wishes when he did feel like he was overstepping her boundaries. He senses something is wrong with Penelope at different points post-carriage scene, and even checks in with her about that, afraid that he’s moving too fast for her and that she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings and just got carried away and doesn’t want him back. Penelope had chances to tell him herself and did not.

And then he finds out that the openness he felt with her was not reciprocated. That she’d been holding back and keeping secrets. That she didn’t trust him with all of her the way he trusted her with all of him. And because Pen didn’t tell him herself he has no way of knowing if she ever planned on telling him. She could’ve told him before she published a Whistledown column saying they were engaged. She could’ve stopped him before they had sex. She could’ve pulled him aside the same time she pulled Eloise aside when they panicked about Cressida (right before he caught her), to finally bring Colin into a situation that was rapidly spiraling out of control. She could’ve written Colin a letter since writing connects them, and she might’ve been able to express herself fuller on paper. Penelope made a huge mistake - can we just admit that sometimes Penelope’s problems are caused by Penelope’s actions? - and Colin felt betrayed by it. He realized this was weighing over them the whole time, and it hurts. It triggers everything in Colin that makes him feel useless, naive, foolish- all of his insecurities since he got tricked and then called a childish boy who needs to wake up back in S1/S2- and this time at the hands of the one person who he loves more than anyone else in the world. And who he STILL loves, which is why it hurts him so bad to think that she thought she couldn’t be honest with him.

So of course his mind went there, to entrapment. Is it nice? No, but neither is writing an article belittling Colin so all of society could read it which is something Penelope did in the heat of the moment because she was upset with Colin. To see this as Penelope AND Colin’s story (which it is) it’s important to not dismiss Colin’s POV and to have empathy for it. He’s not the bad guy. And Penelope isn’t the bad girl. They’re both just kind of messy, imperfect people. Literally almost- She’s his mess and he’s the imperfect man of her heart. Soulmates.

[endelineinwonderland]

What happened to your posts 🥺

Heads up, this is going to be a long one.

Yes! Okay, so I was just going to make a proper post about this once I had really thought it through and when I had finished editing let the light in down to the new length. However, you’re not the first ask about this (which honestly I didn’t anticipate at all) so I’ll just answer this one to explain what’s going on!!!

Basically, when I posted chapter 10 (smut, if you didn’t get to read it) I felt kinda weird about it. Initially, I thought I was just not a fan of the writing itself but the next day I finished up a paper about sexualization of female athletes, and I realized that the research I was doing for this assignment in combination with that particular chapter having just been posted was making me feel kind of confused about how I personally felt about writing for real people at all. Even when the work is, of course, entirely fictional and purely for entertainment purposes. I sat on this for a hot second because ultimately I have really enjoyed writing and I knew I’d not stop reading fanfics regardless of what I decided so that made not writing feel pretty pointless.

I’ve never really written before but it’s brought me a lot of joy in the past month and it’s been really fun learning/experimenting with it. All of this being said, I did pretty much decide that I would just keep writing and in future posts just stick to fluff/angst because that’s what makes me the most comfortable right now.

I didn’t, however, initially want to switch everything up on let the light in because it had already been posted and re-doing anything felt pointless. So, I sat down like 2 days later and started to re-read chapter 10 to attempt to edit it since it had been posted unedited (per usual) and within 5 minutes I got a text from my brother (a UConn student, and the one responsible for introducing me to wbb :) )with a selfie saying he had finally met her and a few other girls on the team and they had all been really nice to him, yada yada yada.

I think on a subconscious level I was still feeling a lot more ambivalent than I was able to recognize in the moment and I proceeded to interpret this as the universe giving me a big ol shove in a different direction. I got this text and within 10 minutes decided to delete chapter 10 and the other smut piece I had written. Which, for better or for worse, then spiraled into me deleting everything.

I can’t explain why I felt guilty about it and I do not for even a second think that writing about real people is a bad thing and in all honesty some of my favorite, if not all of my favorite, pb authors/stories have had smut in them and it doesn’t bother me at all and I don’t even for a second think that the people writing it are doing something wrong or contributing to the sexualization of women in sports, that rests entirely on the shoulders of gross men on Twitter. But, apparently what I’m comfortable consuming vs. what I’m comfortable producing does not align as well as one would assume they should and I didn’t realize this until it was too late.

In the end, the combination of just having had some strange feelings about it and then seeing the person I was writing about next to my little brother and hearing that she had been so sweet to him while I was editing that chapter made me feel guilty. So then I re-read let the light in, found a potential ending point, and pretty much deleted everything else.

All this being said, I am going to be editing the 3 chapters of let the light in to wrap it up and I will probably keep writing just with an emphasis on exclusively angst/fluff. I do genuinely and sincerely apologize to anyone who wanted to see a different, more complete story for let the light in and maybe in the future I’ll re-write it, I’m just not sure yet.

Sorry for the rant but I’m not quite sure how to condense my feelings on the subject yet when I’m not entirely sure what my feelings are and if I regret it or not. We shall see! The joys of being a professional over thinker!

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

It was annoying how good Remus was with younger kids. When Regulus was forced to tutor with him, he thought he wouldn't be able to bare it. Remus wasn't one of his favorite people. Back when they were kids and he was Rosie, Remus used to be nice with Regulus. Tried to include him in the games and pranks. Tried to explain things to him when all that Sirius did was laugh at him. Tried to tell him his and Sirius’s secrets and inside jokes.

But the dislike Regulus had for him was because Sirius used to prefer him over anyone when they were kids. Perhaps he still did. And although Remus was as kind as his mother, to which Regulus had had an affection in the past, it was easier to hate him. It was easier to blame him for everything Sirius did, for how much Sirius had changed, for the fact that he left and all was on Regulus's shoulders.

Plus, Regulus really sucked at tutoring. He didn't have the patience to teach kids what was easy to learn. Remus, on the other hand, had all the patience in the world. It was really annoying.

"You did great today, Reggie!" Remus said as he patted his arm once the kids finally left.

Only Sirius called him that. And Regulus didn't know why Remus dared to do the same.

"I yelled at Danny like five times..."

"You yelled less... That's what's important" Remus pointed out with a smile.

"I don't know how you have the patience" Regulus closed his eyes "I know why Dumbledore made you do this. You're a natural"

"That man is obsessed with me doing something productive after school. He thinks I would be a good teacher"

Regulus didn't say how much he agreed with the old man.

"You could be a good teacher as well" Remus tried with that annoying patience he had. Regulus gave him a look "Different and stricter... But a good one"

Regulus decided not to say anything else. For the past month since they started this tutoring, Remus had been nothing but nice. But Regulus couldn't like him. He had a duty to fulfill.

Remus smiled even if he expected an answer. Regulus wondered if he had the patience with Sirius. Sirius, that sometimes was a lot.

"I could never be a teacher" Regulus replied under his breath.

"Why not?"

Regulus couldn't tell him that he had to pretend to be the good son, the new Heir. That he had to pretend to be interested in the family's company for the sake of Sirius. So their parents would leave him alone.

"It's not my thing" Regulus shrugged.

Remus opened his mouth to say something else. But he was interrupted by none other than Sirius himself.

"Mooooonyyyyy!!"

When Sirius crossed the door of the classroom, it broke Regulus's heart to see him. It was obvious that he smiled at his boyfriend widely but when he noticed his brother, his smile disappeared from his face.

The relationship between the two brothers had always been complicated. Sirius had thought of Regulus annoying, a crying baby, weak and boring. But he had never hated him like now.

In his mind, Regulus was a traitor. He had no idea what Regulus was doing for him.

"I didn't know certain people would be here still" Sirius commented with disdain.

After giving hateful eyes to Regulus, Sirius turned to kiss his boyfriend.

"Hey" a smile.

"Hey" Remus responded but was giving pitiful glances at Regulus.

"I'm starving, Moons" Sirius added with a moan "Can we go for dinner?"

Regulus rolled his eyes openly.

"Aren't you going to say hello, Sirius?" he spat.

Sirius pursed his lips "I don't see anyone else than my boyfriend"

Regulus tried to swallow the knot on his throat.

"Sirius..." Remus warned.

"Let's just go, Moons"

Remus sighed in disappointment. Regulus knew he wanted to fix things between them. Just like he used to intervene back when they were little. And Regulus hated him for that. He hated how considerate he was.

"Okay, I'm just going to pop into the loo down the hall...." he began "Why don't you wait here?"

"I'll come with you!" Sirius exclaimed desperately.

Regulus wished he could just ran. But his hands trembled as he picked his things.

"Pads, I'm not a kid" Remus said with a chuckle "I don't need company to the bathroom"

"But..."

"It would only take a minute" Remus smiled fondly at Sirius "I'll be right back... See you around, Reg"

Regulus just waved. He didn't look at them. He focused his eyes on his bag.

Then Remus whispered something on Sirius’s ear. And Regulus could have sworn he said: "Be nice".

Regulus thought that as soon as Remus left, Sirius was going to ran outside and wait for Remus at the hall. But Regulus felt his brother's eyes on him. Those penetrating eyes like daggers. Though of course he didn't say a word. When Sirius was angry, it was silence treatment.

"Don't worry, Sirius" Regulus snapped as he finally hang his bag on his shoulder "I'm leaving now so you won't have to see me anymore"

"Good" Sirius said under his breath as he crossed his arms and looked away.

Sometimes he was such a little whinny kid.

Regulus was not an explosive person. He usually swallowed his anger when people did something to him. But lately, he had been feeling an unexplainable irritation inside of him that made him explode.

That irritation made him stop on his tracks and face his brother.

"You know what? It is not my fault that you didn't want this for yourself" Regulus said, raising his voice a little "You had it all and you decided to step away from it... Such a fool, Sirius. If you don't want the spotlight, than I do. I'm not such a baby coward like you!"

Regulus had been playing the part very well. He didn't know how he did it. He didn't understand how he didn't break down and confess everything. He had to be believable. Sirius had to hate him so that Orion could consider him as the New Heir. And Sirius could leave his new life in peace.

And of course, Sirius was explosive. He had to yell and have the last word always. He snorted in disbelief as he turned to face Regulus with hate.

"So I am the coward now, ha?" Sirius said, shaking his head "Who is the one licking father's shoes like a pussy just because he is scared of doing anything else? Who is the one who does everything mother says afraid that she would get angry? Ha?" he buffed "Let's talk about cowards, Regulus!"

"I am not a coward!" Regulus shouted "I am doing what I fucking want for once!"

"You never wanted to be the heir!"

"Because you were in the middle!" Regulus snapped "With you there, I never had a chance. But now that you've proven to be a pussy, I am willing to do everything to fill up your shoes... And actually do so much better than you"

Regulus could see anger filling up on his brother's eyes. He knew he was saying the exact things to make him hate him more.

"Who are you?" Sirius tutted with the ghost of watery eyes on his face. "Where is the sweet Regulus that I used to know? Did they wash your brain so badly that you were left stupid?" he smiled evily "You sound like a parrot, repeating father's words over and over.... Did they leave you a personality somewhere?"

Now it was Regulus's turn to get irritated and angry.

"I have a personality, you twat! Just because I am not a rebel like you, doesn't mean I am not doing what is best"

"Regulus, you have a options..." Sirius took a step closer, trying to get some sense into his younger brother "Just because I didn't... You don't have to... We can..."

Of course, Regulus had never been known to be this aggressive, this active, this mean, this interested in the family. Regulus had been quiet, invisible, seen as weak and a baby by others. It was reasonable that Sirius thought he was being forced by Orion or Walburga. That he was doing all of this because he couldn't say no. Because he was a scared little boy who would do anything to please the authority. And that pissed Regulus off all the time. People taking him for granted.

But right now, anger aside, he had to convince Sirius he was the bad guy. That he should be hated, not rescued.

So he smiled in a mocking way.

"You are just jealous, aren't you?" he asked

Sirius let out a loud chuckle "Jealous? Of you? Ha!"

"You've been used to all the attention on yourself, I get it" Regulus nodded "But right now, you can't stand that I am the one getting attention..."

Sirius clenched his jaw and Regulus knew he had hit a nerve.

"Everyone is looking at me..." Regulus continued "Father, Mother, The Family, The whole school.... I have the attention of the Knights and the girls... I am getting more popular than you and that annoys you, doesn't it?"

Regulus tried to smile in a mean way, looking at Sirius as if he was pathetic. Trying to imitate the humiliating tone and voice their father used on them.

"That's ridiculous" Sirius said under his breath. But Regulus noticed nervousness in his voice. So he carried on.

"You used to be the star for everyone...." he looked at him up side down trying to find the courage to say the next words "Now you are just the pathetic little faggot that nobody wants anymore"

Sirius’s reaction was instant. In a second he had pushed Regulus against the wall and had his hand against his throat. Squeezing and squeezing.

"SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Sirius was spiting rage. His eyes were popped and red. He was like a feral dog.

Obviously, Regulus didn't have air to respond. He was getting choked by his brother.

'I'm sorry' Regulus thought when he saw Sirius’s eyes filling up with tears, not quite believing what they were witnessing 'I'm doing this for you. This is all for you, Sirius. I love you'

He found only hate on the older Black's eyes.

Remus was back, pulling Sirius away, pushing him away.

"What the hell?? I go for two minutes and you already are at each other's throats!!" Remus roared in disbelief.

Regulus was finally able to breathe as he coughed to get air back into his lungs.

Sirius looked like he was trying to contain his anger. Red as a tomato. But also trying to contain his tears.

"I HATE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME!" Sirius yelled as he tried to get closer and hurt Regulus again presumably. Though Remus was holding him back.

"Sirius..."

"I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU, AGAIN!!"

And it hurt like hell to listen to those words from Sirius’s mouth. Regulus swallowed his tears as he tried to contain himself from telling the truth. He wanted to cry and hug his brother. He wanted to tell him he was sorry. That he couldn't keep up with this. That he gave up.

But someone had to do this. Someone had to stop Orion from being a dick and save Sirius. Even save Walburga even though she probably didn't deserve it. Like Regulus had told Barty, someone had to do something to break that family and company down. And Regulus had to be the one. Not a coward anymore, ha?

"The feeling is mutual" Regulus managed to stay under his breath.

He noticed how Remus turned to look at him with shock and disappointment. He noticed how Sirius got even more angry.

However he ran. Regulus got out of that classroom before things got worse. And Sirius actually killed him.

He stopped outside the door though, to let out a few sobs he had been containing inside.

And he heard Sirius’s retaliation with the chairs and whatever he had around to break. Remus tried to calm him down.

"Sirius!.... Sirius, stop!... SIRIUS.. Hey... Hey..."

Finally, Regulus heard his brother breaking down crying in his boyfriend's arms. The latter whispering words of consolation.

"I've lost him, Moony.... I've lost him..."

"It's okay... It's okay, love"

Regulus silently cried as well.

Sirius could hate him. But if the plan worked, Sirius was going to be free and he was going to be able to live in peace the life he always wanted. With Remus. With Potter and the rest of his friends. With his new family.

And seeing Sirius happy would make Regulus secretly happy.

[amlovelies]

OC-TOBER 2022 Masterlist

a masterlist of the art I made for oc-tober 2022

Anielle Trevelyan

Kyra Arres

Jay Nordsen

Bernie Wiseman

Ostara Hawke

Denek Besha

Curtis Becker

Aiden Kalesko

Romi Brown

Minka Brosca

Kira Kingston

Gerlari Whitpik

ornella of harvest's bounty

corinna hawke

niyaz tayran

jessie davis

juno

sozan xanî

aemilia hawke

lauren lin

bethany blake

hinigo lanas

saca'ryl

ysandre cousland

vesper bui

ionna mahariel

pen hansley

yenena adaar

ikusmen juvic

pai bimmal

jytte shepard

[sysig]

My printer hates me :) (with many thanks and credit to @niennanir as before)

Gosh aren’t they gorgeous tho ♥ Especially the latest and largest, though I have to give all the credit to the paper on that one haha, it’s stunning IRL, I could almost stare at the gold lattice forever rather than read, but I’m so happy with how it turned out between the pages as well!

Quick showcase of the new additions! :D

My Drinking Game as another test run, I got the spacing how I wanted it! Yay! It’s so much handsomer and less cramped! Also I gotta say, if it wasn’t such a large usage of paper, this would be my ideal way of checking for typos - I found a couple after setting it down to ink lol, they’ve been fixed now at least ♪ Paired here with the emerge, transformed three-parter, one of my all-time-favourites <3 I reread it the night I finished it and cried again, a little bit of tender mercy always wrecks me hhhh ♥ There are so many beautiful evocative lines! I’m so happy to hold it ♪ And as you can see above, that was the one that got the cute little ghost dust jacket :D

Another test run of what I’m calling volume 1 of my Vargas Drabbles lol, so not including Have you lost your mind? since that one’s currently unfinished. I do fully intend to print it once it’s done tho :3c Hopefully that one will cause me fewer problems! I hate measuring, so I may have flubbed two covers before finally getting this one into good enough shape XP And my red yarn is still in storage so >.> Did I go purchase another ball of red yarn? I’ll never tell. You can’t tell me it doesn’t look great as a bookmark tho <3

And my current happiest! Ah!! It turned out fantastic on all counts! The cover paper obviously, as I couldn’t Not lead with that, but also the size of the spine and the way the pages settled against each other while glueing - I used a different type of paper for this one and I think I’m completely converted over, it feels amazing to work with. Whatever I was using before had to have been like 15lbs lol, I’m literally just using normal 20lb printer paper but it feels and looks and behaves so much nicer <3 The size of Helix also allowed for a slightly larger bookmark, which was perfect because we had this soft gold ribbon that was all of a couple millimeters wider than the other ribbons/yarn I’d been using, and it looks so so so pretty with the gold detailing!! I’ve put it between Ch. 1 and 2 and getting to see the actual physical size differences of the chapters is so fun ♥

[sucrose-soymilk]

hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better

[readyfreddy]

.

[set-wingedwarrior]

I have this feeling that I am going to hide in my university much more and much longer just to avoid my roomate because she's really stressing me out

[medicinemane]

I just think that the main barrier to being good at a lot of different things isn't about that you couldn't be good at it, it's about time, and it's about affording equipment and materials

It's gonna be a lot harder to find the time for even one hobby if you're working full time, and make no mistake, there's a real problem of getting what you need to actually work on stuff

[psiimaid]

hi I love the ancestors to an unhealthy degree but thought no one would be interested if I started making stuff about them but then I found this account and you have inspired me to start being as annoying as possible about these old fucks. thanks love ur content

hi…. i’m interested…………

[toastsnaffler]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(