#and what do i desire? to be understood. as much as any person can be when what we know best. is ourselves.

[moe-broey]

Brain still soup but like. I think making one or both (or more!) characters involved in relationships with each other aromantic makes the dynamic soooooo much more compelling. Because if you remove romance as a motivator, you really get down to the nitty-gritty as to WHY that character is seeking out/involved in those relationships in the first place. Whether that relationship involves romantic factors or is more of a queer platonic thing. Much to think about....

[winesvein]

Beneath August's spotlight, but with each breath, I am comparing the month's heat to your gaze, to what it is like to be under you(r eyes).

Deep in my heart's ocean, I do not understand what love is, unless you call it obsession, desire, want. And it is patient, yes, and how it fractures me-- to love is to give everything to you (mind, heart, soul).

—Kali

[dreamcubed]

i think he knows | theodore nott x reader

song; i think he knows [taylor swift] pairing; theodore nott x ravenclaw!fem!reader genre; not actually unrequited love, s2l, fluff word count; 3,1k timeline; half-blood prince warnings; swearing, theo's lack of communication summary; you had fancied the mysteriously quiet slytherin boy for as long as you could remember (since first year), and, quite frankly, your best friend was sick of you going on about it without ever making a move

masterlist

"wanna see what's under that attitude."

—————————————

Truth was, you knew you weren't special for having your attention caught by Theodore Nott. Despite his almost entirely anti-social personality and apparent grumpiness, many girls longed after him. You completely understood, of course; there was something enticing about a potentially misunderstood quiet boy, and the idea of becoming the one person they show affection to was self-indulging.

The fact of the matter, as your best friend, Cho, frequently pointed out, was that you had never even so much as spoken to him. You hoped he at least knew you existed, from the times you had been praised in class for your assignments, but you had no proof that he even recognised your face.

"Babe, it's sixth year now- that's over five years of you fancying Nott," Cho said as she caught your gaze lingering over to the Slytherin table again. It was your second day back after summer, so you had a lot of long-distance admiring to catch up on.

"Okay, so?" you replied, not even bothering to move your eyes away from the object of your desires.

"So, it's time that you do something about it," she continued, shovelling scrambled eggs on to both her plate and yours, "Do you really want to leave Hogwarts without any dating experience?"

You finally prized your eyes away from Nott, opting instead to meet your concerned best friend's gaze, "I don't think it's the sort of time to be thinking about dating."

"It's especially the time to think about it," she said, "Our lives may be shorter than we think they are - don't die with regrets."

You sighed, unable to argue.

"Plus, it really wouldn't hurt to have some positivity around here. You can feel how much heavier the air is than before."

That, you had to agree with. People were still laughing in their friend groups throughout the hall, sure, but there was a lingering sense of dread that had stuck with everyone since the Triwizard Tournament and reign of Umbridge, and it was only getting worse.

"Maybe," you finally concluded, picking up your fork to dig into your breakfast.

"You have nothing to lose," she added, "Your social circles are completely separate, and, you're pretty as fuck."

You couldn't help but smile at her compliment, "Even if that's true, I'm completely inexperienced."

"It's not that hard."

"Yeah, says the girl who had both Hogwarts champions drooling over her. No offence, babe, but you're biased."

"That could just have easily been you if you'd ever spoken to either of them."

"Whatever you say."

Cho sighed, deciding to not argue any further with you on the matter - for now.

***

It was amazing how potions went from your least favourite subject to your favourite after Slughorn took over from Snape. The lessons were no longer a fear-inducing chore, but instead a time of laughter and enjoyable learning: the way it should be.

Harry Potter especially seemed to be flourishing in the subject, much to the dismay of Hermione Granger, who usually took the spot at the top of the class. You were glad to not be a part of their constantly hectic lifestyles, although you had almost been when Cho had a thing with Harry the year prior.

Regardless, your main focus during potions was the gorgeous Slytherin boy who sat across the classroom from you - another of the best students in the class. Your seat was stationed at the perfect angle to sneak glances at him without raising too much suspicion: you definitely hadn't ensured that a few weeks ago during the first lesson or anything.

"Shit, I forgot the anjelica," you muttered to yourself, gazing at the list of ingredients in front of you as you had been wondering why your potion was a navy blue when it was meant to be a royal blue.

You left your station to head over to the ingredients cupboard, where you gazed at the arrangement before you. It was organised alphabetically, so your eyes shifted to the top left hand corner where you spotted the jar that you were after.

You stood on your tiptoes in attempt to reach it, but after failing, you huffed, going to pull out your wand instead. That was when a hard chest pressed against your back and a large pale hand grasped the very jar that you were in dire need of. You turned around quickly only to spot the guy you had fancied for an unhealthy amount of time - and his face was shockingly close to yours. His scent swarmed your nostrils, making your knees weak.

He raised an eyebrow at you.

Coming to your senses, you cleared your throat, "Uh, I need some of that anjelica- please."

His eyes shifted down to the jar in his hand as he stepped back slightly. The added distance meant that you could finally breathe.

Nott presented the jar to you, and you gratefully took it, thanking him in the process. As you went to open it and take what you needed, he left the cupboard and went back to his station, which was in view of where you were. You remained shocked for a few moments: did he not need some of the herb? His eyes locked on to yours from where he now was, making you panic and quickly depart the cupboard with the jar still in your hand.

Rowena, how did Cho expect you to ask him out when you couldn't even make eye contact with him?

***

The following morning, you were sat at breakfast with Cho and your other fellow Ravenclaws, busy discussing the latest ancient runes essay that you had to complete. Just as you began to discuss the difficulties you had with writing the conclusion, you were interrupted by the sound of owls from above. The morning post had arrived.

Typically, you didn't get anything. Maybe the occasional letter from your mother, but that was about it. So, you were mildly surprised to see an envelope drop in front of you.

It was a very small envelope: that was the most confusing part. You couldn't think as to why your mother wouldn't send a normal-sized letter, but you opened it nonetheless. Only, the contents of the envelope made your stomach drop as dread filled your bones and veins.

A tiny note was enclosed, that wasn't addressed or signed, and it simply read "I see you staring at me". Instinctively, your eyes looked up and over to the Slytherin table, where Theodore Nott sat, evidently having been watching you this entire time. His face was completely blank, until he arched an eyebrow at you - clearly a favoured expression of his - which made you begin panicking.

"Oh, fuck," you mumbled, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Only Cho, who was sat next to you, heard your profanities, and turned to you with confusion adorning her face. "What is it?"

You passed the note over to her, still gazing at Nott who now had the slightest of amused smirks tugging on his lips.

"Oh, fuck," Cho mimicked you, finally making you prize your eyes away from the boy, "Yeah, I see why you're panicking."

"This is going to socially ruin me," you sighed, "He'll probably tell the other Slytherins and then they'll bully me until the end of my school career."

"Okay, catastrophising much?" she said, gently slapping you, "Nott like never talks, I highly doubt he divulges his friends with personal information."

"Yeah, his personal information!" you whisper-yelled.

"I mean, maybe he likes you back."

"What?"

"He doesn't indicate at all in that note that he's mad at you for staring at him."

"Yeah, but, don't you think he'd go about it in a different way if he returned the feelings?"

Cho paused to think for a moment, "No, actually. Maybe he was pretty sure that you were staring at him, but needed to confirm it. So, he wrote that note to you, intentionally not signing it, to see if you would immediately look to him after reading it."

Your eyes widened with realisation, "Wait, are you saying I could have still saved myself, but instead instantly looked in his direction like a fucking idiot?"

"Y/N," she hit your arm, "I think this is a good thing. Try and be more optimistic."

"Easy for you to say."

***

You felt sick to your stomach as you arrived at your potions lesson that day, keeping your head down as you took your usual seat. Normally, this would be when you'd steal your first glance at Theodore Nott, but the thought of seeing his face again paralysed you with fear.

"Y/N, relax," Cho whispered to you, but her words were futile. Relaxation seemed impossible in times like this.

"Today, class, I want you to pair up with someone you don't usually work with," Professor Slughorn announced, "By that I mean, someone who isn't from your house and doesn't sit on your table."

You mumbled a curse under your breath as people began to move around, looking up to try and locate the nice Hufflepuff girl you sat next to in history of magic. Only, Cho had already disappeared to her side, and they were chatting happily with each other. Rowena, this was bad. You didn't have the biggest social circle.

"Excellent, everyone seems to be in pairs," Slughorn spoke, making you furrow your eyebrows.

Looking to your side, you were shocked to see that Nott had silently sat next you, and was gazing at you intently.

"Hi," you squeaked, flashbacks of breakfast flooding back to you.

He gave you a curt nod, and turned back to face the front.

You didn't listen to a single instruction that Slughorn gave after that, as your brain was much too pre-occupied with concepts of social suicide and humiliation. Was Nott just trying to torture you?

"L/N," a deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts. That was it. The first time you had ever heard Theodore Nott speak.

You turned to him, only to realise that everyone was standing up and getting ingredients - had you really been that spaced out?

It must have been evident in your facial expression that you had no idea what was going on, because Nott opened his potions book and pointed at the potion that you were making. You looked at the ingredient list, but you couldn't say that you were actually taking any of it in.

Clearly, Nott was aware of this fact, and let out a small sigh that made you feel exceptionally guilty. Regardless, he walked over to the ingredients cupboard himself without another word and soon returned with everything you needed. In the meantime, you had snapped out of your stupor and set up the cauldron and cutting board. You didn't want him to completely regret pairing up with you.

What potion were you even making? You finally processed the words on the page: amortentia. Your eyes widened.

This might not end well.

***

You had never thought being a remarkable potion maker - who was collaborating with a fellow remarkable potion maker - would be a bad thing. It turned out that it very much could be when the steam from your concoction wafted up your nose, overwhelming your senses with the smell of intertwined chestnut and paper money. As if the faint scent of Nott that you picked up on whenever he walked past didn't make you nervous enough, now it filled the entire room, since you certainly weren't the only capable potion makers in the class.

"Alright, class, it seems that we have all about finished," Slughorn clapped his hands together, "And, now, for my favourite part."

You had a feeling you knew what was coming.

"Miss Parkinson, what does the potion smell like to you?"

"Uh," the girl flushed a bit, her eyes flicking towards Draco Malfoy, "I don't know how to describe it - clean, expensive. Like a really fancy fragrance."

"Fascinating, most fascinating," Slughorn replied, his eyes gleaming, "Mr Nott, what about you?"

Were you already about to hear him speak for the second time? He hadn't spoke throughout the entire potion making process, which, to be honest, you were kind of glad for.

"Coconut," he said simply, "And vanilla."

Your breath hitched.

You used coconut shampoo.

Your favourite perfume was a vanilla scent.

"That is most interesting!" Slughorn grinned, "It is fascinating to hear what enraptures you all the most!"

You didn't realise that your eyes had glued on to Nott as Slughorn proceeded to ask other students what amortentia smelled of to them until the Slytherin boy turned to face you and raised a singular eyebrow.

You felt warm underneath his gaze.

He smirked.

***

You packed up at the end of the lesson, preparing to return to the Ravenclaw tower until dinner time along with Cho who was still across the room. Just as you were about to walk over to her, Nott grabbed your arm and jerked his head in the direction of the door. It was a silent invitation to walk with him somewhere, from what you could gather. You turned around to tell Cho where you were going, but she had already disappeared, much to your confusion.

The first few minutes of the walk were in silence, and the awkwardness was killing you. It was only once you had emerged from the dungeons that Nott finally said something.

"You aren't subtle."

A lightning bolt of shock and nerves shot up your spine and made you stiffen up as you walked. You managed to force out a mumble of, "I know."

He shrugged, "It's cute."

Had you heard him right? No, you couldn't have. You just weren't used to hearing his voice.

"I thought you were shy," you muttered, but he heard and chuckled a bit.

"No. Just quiet."

You clutched your books close to your chest.

"You're shy," he added.

You nodded.

He chuckled again, and silence ensued for another couple minutes.

"Hogsmeade," he said.

You hummed in surprise.

"This weekend. Me, you."

Your jaw dropped - did he mean a date? A Hogsmeade invitation had certain implications among Hogwarts students.

But he didn't clarify, not once on the way to the Ravenclaw tower.

***

"Relax, Y/N, you'll be great," Cho assured you, wrapping your scarf around your neck since the autumn breeze was nippy in Scotland.

"I don't even know if it's a date."

"Of course it's a date," she shook her head, "Everyone knows what inviting someone to Hogsmeade means."

You grimaced, "I don't know if Nott is the most up to date with social norms."

"Regardless, he's not a fucking idiot."

You gave your best friend a small smile.

"Now, he'll be waiting for you in the courtyard, so hurry!"

***

You had only ever seen Theodore Nott in casual clothing from afar before, catching a glimpse of him before he disappeared amongst the other Slytherins. But, Rowena, you had been missing out on quite an indulgent sight.

How could a man make such a simple outfit of a knitted jumper and baggy jeans look so good? You didn't understand it, unable to feel anything but self-conscious in your own ensemble.

He didn't smile at you as you approached, but instead gave you a curt nod. And, as you both began walking towards the carriage, the silence was truly beginning to suffocate you. So, you reached inside the crevices of your brain to talk about something - anything - and finally landed on informing him of every little thing that had happened to you that week. It wasn't particularly interesting, mainly because you were omitting the details about him, but it meant that the quietness was filled with your babbling.

Which was how it went the entire journey to Hogsmeade.

At first you weren't sure he was listening, but when you paused mid sentence for a moment, he raised his eyebrow at you and gestured for you to go on. So you did.

"...and honestly, I don't know why Cho thought that was a good idea," you sighed as you both stepped out of the carriage, "She nearly set her hair on fire!"

You heard a small chuckle erupt from the boy next to you, making you look over to him in surprise.

"What about you? How's your week been?" you asked cautiously, nervous to see his reaction to a question that required a wordy response.

He shrugged.

It was frustrating.

You chewed your lip for a few seconds, "Look- I get you find communication difficult. But, please, I need more to work with here."

He gave you a surprised expression, and stopped walking, making you halt too. Nott looked around pensively, completely unreadable.

"Nott?"

He looked at you and scowled, "Theo," he corrected.

"Theo- what are you doing?"

Letting out a loud exhale, he grabbed your hand and pulled you away from the main street of Hogsmeade and to a more hidden area behind some of the houses. When you turned around, you realised that he was right in front of you - to the point that you could feel the warmth of his breath on your face.

"I'm not good with words," he mumbled.

You hummed in agreement.

"I don't like talking to people," he continued, "But I want to talk to you."

Your breath hitched, "Really?"

"I'm not an idiot- I've known that you've fancied me for years."

You felt your ears heat up.

"But this year, when we started back, I-" he paused, trying to piece together the words in his mind, "I saw you, and it was different than before. I wanted your attention."

A smile crept on to your face as you gazed up at him.

"So, I know I need to work on being open - but I want to try. For you."

You don't know where the wave of confidence came from, but you found yourself pressing your lips against his and combing your fingers through his hair. He gasped at the sudden contact, but quickly reciprocated the affection until you pulled apart.

"Rowena... I always thought you knew. I can't believe I was right."

"Horrifying?"

"A little," you nodded, "But it's obviously worked out."

————————————————

masterlist

written; 03/06/2023 —> 15/08/2023 published;17/08/2023 edited; —/—/——

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

limiting believes i got rid of AND YOU SHOULD DO TOO in order to manifest instantly

-> time 

before i thought and probably your case too AND I HOPE THAT IT’S NOT ANYMORE  that time had anything to do with the loa, manifesting and stuff. that the fakest shit i’ve ever head. literally all is based off your mind and your assumptions.who tf decided that manifesting a house should take months? when time doesn’t even exist. LIKE TELL ME WHERE TF IS THE LOGIC?  like just sit there and think about it, time was human-made and the law is just the law, so why would you make the time a law? like why tf would you even just consider time ?j just think about an answer.the law isn’t logical itself so why would you even try to make it logical by putting it together with something thats considered logical? just ask yourself. why tf would my penthouse in new york would take months to get to me? whats the answer to that now?

FORGET ABOUT TIME, about deadlines or whatever stop counting days like you were in fucking jail. the only jail you’re in is you’re mind.

 -> worth and  « bigger » or « smaller » manifestations 

nothing has value, you’re the one creating value and putting things on a pedestal. do you know what’s worth more between a 1$ and a 100$ ? if you say the 100$ you really understood nothing did you? it’s as easy to have the 100$ than the 1$ as it’s the same thing to manifest a big fat miami house or a small condo in tokyo and if you think otherwise you haven’t totally let go of those limitings believes yet. why do you think money has so much value? it really is a piece of paper with a print. would you give a piece of paper with a drawing of an old man any value? no. THEN STOP GIVING VALUE TO MONEY OR ANYTHING IN LIFE.you think you could attract a person you don’t care about but not your crush or you desired friends? when those persons are worth the same and as easy to get as the other? the second you consider that everything you want is absolutely worthless and as easy to get as the oxygen you’re breathing right now, you’ll manifest.

the second you’ll pull out this bullshit that we instill in your brain of «  value, worth, bigger things, harder to get, longer to get » you’ll instantly get it. THE SECOND YOU’LL KNOW THESE WORTHLESS THINGS ARE ALREADY YOURS, YOU MANIFESTD IT!

MAINLY STOP PUTTING YOURSELF LIMITS!!!!! you control everything what’s stopping you from getting that penthouse you want so bad?? money? money is worthless and you can get it the amount of money you want so now what do you need more? go get you keys and enjoy it cause you literally already fucking have it. YOU’RE DIVINE how can you manage not to have a  simple piece of paper that has the number «  100 » on it? how can you not get a place made with of wood and rocks and itself filled with more things that are made with wood and rocks ? how do you manage not get the love of a simple girl or boy? THE ANSWER IS YOU DON'T MANAGE NOT TO HAVE IT CAUSE YOU ALREADY DO.

PUT IN YOUR HEAD YOU ALREADY HAVE IT ALL. NOTHING ELSE EXISTS, NOT WORTH, VALUE, TIME, ALL THIS THINGS DOES NOT EXIST SO PLEASE PLEASE GET THOSE BULLSHIT LIMITING ASS HUMAN MADE CONCEPT OUT OF YOUR GENIUS BRAIN AND INSTANTLY GET ALL YOU WANT WITHOUT RESTRICTIONS WHATSOEVER

->3D delay

don’t put in your head that there will be a delay forget about that.focus on the fact that it gets instantly to you and that’s it. do not care about anything else. « oh i don’t have my results yet it'S probably 3D delay😞 » no. you already have it wtf is even a delay? the moment you decided to have it in your 4D you instantly got in your 3D period.

-> self victimising

STOP THIS. stop all the «  it’s not manifesting why?? why everyone but me 🥺» please. you’re worth more than that. persist no matter what.stop slowing down your living in the end process. if you wanna feel sad about a situation, be sad, but don’t even start self-victimising. don’t eat up your feelings it leads to nothing good but always remind yourself that you have the knowledge that ppl out there don’t have access to. people dying or being in the worst situation ever dont even have any way to get out of it cause they don’t know but YOU? YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. YOU KNOW THE LAW. YOU KNOW YOUR LIMITLESS POWER. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DREAM LIFE SO WHY SELF VICTIMISE? YOU AREADY GOT IT ALLL GIRLLL

btw that’s my first blog i hope it was inspiring🥰 and i dont tell you may all your manifestations come true cause they’re obviously already all true 

[sungvrhs]

ATTENTION - Park Sunghoon

Genre: Smut | CEO Sunghoon!male x reader!female

Word Count; 3.0K

Having numerous attempts at getting his attention? No way, either of those came across your mind and each and every one of them were so bland that you almost decided to drop out of this idea of yours. 

Not to mention how difficult this job was even after he was your husband, you weren't willing to give up- not just yet. “Y/n, maybe you should simply go and confess it out to him that you don't like it when doesn't attend to you or stuff. That is a hundred times better than the numerous failed attempts you are making to grasp his attention.” Your co-worker, Sarah spoke, causing you to groan as you ducked your head down on the table. “It's such a bummer to a pretty face with a pathetic personality.” You mumbled, lifting your head up to glance at his picture that was secretly displayed on your lockscreen. You didn't know if he ever wanted you to show him off, which you never did, or even be possessive towards him when other girls would twirl their hair or give one the most seductive looks to him. What surprised you was how ignorant he was to them. As a man, he had more than what you could label as ‘control’ over greedy desires which you were pretty thankful for, but you despised it a little when it came to you. How can he not change himself just when he is around you? Just a little bit? It was all that you ever wanted. 

You were thankful to have married a loyal man who wouldn't raise his head to meet the gaze of another woman that wasn't his, or would never cherish their existence in any way to make way for any sort of expectations. But if that was being applied to you too, then you didn't know what to feel about it; unlucky or thankful? 

“Come on Y/n, don't think much about it. I hope your man realizes that soon.” Sarah spoke, patting your back as she felt guilty for not being much of help to you. Just as she was about to leave, your eyes widened as you sat up straight, causing the latter to get her attention back to you. “What what? What happened?” Sarah questioned you worriedly, looking back at you with a smug expression resting on your face. “I can do this one last thing I haven't done yet.” You spoke, giving a pause to your sentence as Sarah sighed. “And that is?” “I can make him jealous.” You spoke, grinning as Sarah rolled her eyes. “You think that after what you have told me about Sunghoon, he would fall for this?” You thought for a while, as you spoke “He might if it is his best friend.” You spoke, raising your eyebrows as Sarah finally understood. “No way you're pulling Jake into this.” You whined a little at her response, “Please Sarah! This is the only chance I got. I promise I won't emphasize on anything like that ever again!” You gave her the most doey eyes that you could as to which she sighed. “Fine fine, I'll talk to Jake.” She spoke as you lunged forward to give her a big hug, muttering a small thank you as to which she smiled. If that is what can fix her friend’s life, then she was down for it. Both of you knew that Jake and Sunghoon were like two peas in a pod and having him as your bait was a perfect plan. And with him being Sarah’s boyfriend just added cherry to the top of your well designed plan. ‘This shall be it.’ You thought to yourself as you vowed never to turn back to this request after this attempt. 

“This is it. Does this look fine?” You asked her as the three of you sat in your office, to which Sarah gave you a thumbs up. “Well you look pretty, regardless of how you dress up in your usual days.” Jake spoke, suppressing his laughter as to which you threw the ribbon on his face. “Respectfully fuck off Jake.” You spoke as to which the latter shrugged his shoulders. “I can, but you both have bound me not to.” “Well it's all this once Jake, I hope that knocks some sense in your best friend to not keep hurting Y/n.” Sarah spoke, her hand resting on his shoulder as to which he sighed. “I’m gonna be dommed once he finds out that I’m the one flirting with you.” He spoke, facing you as to which you smiled. “At least he would notice. Unlike the rest of the days.” The last phrase almost came out as a whisper, causing you to bite your lips to suppress the disappointment that was evident in your voice. “Hey, it’s going to be fine. Trust me.” Sarah spoke, causing you to give a soft smile to her. “Well, if this doesn’t work, I’ll surely go talk to him.” Jake spoke, your smile evident at his expressions. Well, at least something happened to be good today. You were thankful to have two good friends here. Otherwise, the workspace would have been more like a prison to you. 

The meeting was unexpected and you were thankful for wearing your makeup in the morning otherwise you wouldn’t have looked presentable. And to add fuel to the fire, you were running late to the meeting room as you sprinted through the hallway, the clock striking exactly 3.03pm which meant that you had messed up. Reaching up to the meeting door, you pushed it slightly, the former voices dropping down to dead silence as you peaked your head, noticing how the pair of eyes were looking at you. Nervousness took over you as you made your way inside, muttering a small sorry to the people for interrupting as you made way towards the table. It might have escaped your lips as a whisper but it was audible enough for your friends to notice as Sarah motioned you to sit beside Jake. You took your seat, skipping your usual empty one that was next to Sunghoon as you made way to sit next to Jake, exchanging a small smile with him as you failed to notice a raging pair of eyes at you both. 

“Is he looking?” You asked Jake, not making it evident by looking at the screen as to which he responded, “He is, though he seems a bit unbothered.” You heard him speak as you scratched your nape, turning your head to look at where Sunghoon was seated, his cold gaze from his specs meeting yours as a chill ran down your spine. ‘How could he be effortlessly breathtaking?’ You thought to yourself as you were quick enough to break eye contact. “You can take off your coat, that might help.” Jake spoke, motioning his eyes to Sunghoon as you slightly nodded, taking off the coat as Jake helped you out. You could see how Sunghoon was clenching his jaw, definitely pissed off at your actions as you smirked to yourself. You could see that Jake saw it too as he was trying his best to suppress his laughter. 

Adjusting his specs after the employee finished with his short presentation, Sunghoon was quick enough to agree with the ideas as the meeting was called off. “That's it for today, everyone is dismissed.” You turned around, looking at Jake as he was confused at how straight forward he was. “It's alright, we will figure something out.” You nodded, as you hugged him. “Thanks a lot though.” You spoke, breaking the hug as he nodded sideways. “Chill Y/n, I just helped you with your coat, nothing else.” His orbs moved across to meet Sunghoon’s bizarre ones as he grinned. He knew he was going against the plan but he was 100% sure it was going to be worth it. Leaning close to your ear as his hands rested on your shoulders. “ This may sound stupid, but I think this will work.” You pulled back a bit confused at his words as he made way to good your hand, kissing the back of it as he passed you a wink as took a few steps back, leaving you stunned, your face heating up at his actions. You were definitely not prepared for this but you cleared your throat, grabbing your files as you made way to exit the door before you heard a voice reaching out to you. “Except for you, Park.Y/n. I would like to exchange a few words with you.”

Your ears perked up at his icy voice, movements halting at his words as if your body had failed to respond after he called you out. You could easily pick up hints of another vibe reflecting in them as your eyebrows furrowed at the sudden swift in tones. You turned to face him, watching his every move; how he would set his specs on the bridge of his nose, his slender fingers sliding across the page of the file as he kept his one leg on the other, adjusting the tie loose around his collar. Not going to lie, it was all more than to make you feel a blazing sensation across your chest. And whilst you were busy admiring the small details, you heard the door being locked, pulling you back to reality as you turned to find him messing with the buttons of the CCTV camera and the sound adjustment. 

"Done staring shamelessly at your boss?" His raspy voice snapped you out of your trance as you mentally scoffed. ‘The attitude.’ You rolled your eyes at him as you spoke, “I wasn’t staring. Why would I stare at someone whom I loath the most?” You spoke, causing him to turn around on his heels, raising an eyebrow as he let out a chuckle, nodding sideways at your words. It was unbelievable to his ears that you would ever loath his presence. “You? Loathing my presence?” He spoke, taking slow steps towards you as you took a step back. “Of course you would when you got my best friend to flirt around with.” You couldn’t believe his words, but the fact that he caught you right on point was itching a smirk on your lips, but you tried to avoid it, maintaining a poker face.

“Excuse me? I wasn’t flirting with him. We are just friends-""Y/n, the attitude you had a few minutes ago clearly doesn't justify your words." He cuts you off, his slow steps towards you progressing up with every passing second. The echoes of his steps were syncing with your heartbeats; rapidly taking pace with every passing second. “What is wrong with you Sunghoon? Your dual personality is a growing headache for me. It's either you despising me and not sparing a glance at your very own wife or you’re completely pissed off at me talking to my friend-””I don’t care if you talk to someone or not.” He spoke, now completely in front of you as you mentally cursed the table for existing right behind your back right now. “What I despise is how happy and smiley you seemed with him.” His hands made way to take away the files from your hands as he kept them beside on the table. “How you both talked as you both shared a loving eye contact.” His other hand made way to tuck a hair strand behind your ear as he leaned closer, his cinnamon breath hitting your cheeks as he continued to speak. “How you were seeking his help to take off your coat.” His hands traced down your outlines, slowly and sensually as it didn’t fail to give you tingles. “S-Sunghoon.” You whimpered, your breath becoming shaky at his actions as he chuckled deeply. “What? You can’t handle it? I didn’t even start anything.” He spoke, raising an eyebrow as he undid the buttons of his coat, slowly and painfully as you found it hard to maintain eye contact with him whilst his actions did the opposite. He knew the right buttons to press and this is exactly what he wanted to do. You found yourself at the loss of words as your mouth was hung at his actions. Letting the coat dangle free around his body, he swiftly took it off, flexing his chiseled body under the white clean shirt as he turned to throw it on the table, watching it land down as he turned attention to you again, his tongue poking his inner cheek.

“You did this on purpose didn't you?” He questioned you, his hands resting on either side of the table as he had you trapped in between. You looked away, finding it hard to meet his gaze. ‘That was not how this was supposed to go.’ “What? Cat got your tongue?” He scoffed, knowing very well the impact he was setting on you was like setting up a jenga tower, step by step. You gulped at his actions, trying not to get away with his little play. The thin white shirt was clearly not helping as it traced out the outlines of his whole body; from the top of his broad shoulders down to his sculpted abs, your gaze went to his muscular biceps that followed his veiny hands, settled right beside yours as his figure trapped yours. “Eyes up here love.” His slender fingers came in contact with your chin as he raised your head to level your eyes with his. A moment of silence follows, with only the rhythmic breathing of the two of you syncing whilst his calm attire contrasts your freaked out one. It was nowhere close to being intended but seeing him all pissed off by the way his darkened orbs pierced through yours, it wasn’t helping the heat that was arousing between your legs.

“I hate you.” You spoke, tongue poking your inner cheek as you pushed him back, creating space between the two of you as you heard him scoffing. “If you lie,m try to be a bit more evident, my love. The way you were technically undressing me with your gaze speaks the opposite of what you just ‘meant.’” Emphasizing on the word ’meant’ as he clicked his tongue, his hands resting on your waist as your cheeks turned into hues of red. He spoke nothing other than leaning down next to your ear, his hand squeezing your waist as you held back your gasp. “Try a bit harder to hate me, your body language ain’t helping you either.” He chuckled in your ear, his husky voice ringing like a melody as you turned to face the opposite side, hating how weak you were becoming in front of him. He pulled back a little, his cinnamon breath fanning across your lips whilst his chocolatey orbs captivated your hazel ones once again. 

“Tell me that you hate me in front of my face.” He spoke, his gaze flickering between your lips and orbs as he inched closer to you ever so painfully whilst you gulped down the lump forming in your throat. “I hat-” Before you had the chance to declare what your heart never desired to you felt his lips meeting yours, pulling you in a feverish kiss as his hands gripped yours wrists, pushing them behind your back as he held them in place just by one of his hands, earning a groan from your end as to which he only smirked. He knew you very well and seizing the right opportunity was his art. The bridge of his specs kept knocking against your nose as to which you simply wanted to adjust it in between his locks, but the very next second he pulled back aggressively from the kiss, leaving you perplexed as he shook off his head to the right, letting his specs fly across the room as your eyes widened. He wasted no time in letting you mumble as his hands seized your tiny waist, pushing you up on the table whilst he had his guard in between your legs, pulling you close by the nape in another kiss once again, this one being more passionate than the earlier one. 

Pulling apart after your hands tapped his shoulder at the shortage of breath, a string of saliva had your lips connected, leaving you both panting for air. “Oh you do hate me. Hate me enough just to kiss me.” He smirked, knowing very well how much of the impact he had on you. You were beyond flustered at his words. This side of him was definitely unexpected and you were enjoying it. His fingers played with your pants, eye contact never breaking as he continued with his verbal declaration. “You hate me just enough to let me slide past the barrier.” He pulled down your pants, leaving you in your lacy underwear as he pulled them down, his other hand crept under your shirt, rubbing circles on your back as the contact of his cold hand with your warm skin made you hiss. “Just enough to undress you.” His hands made way to pull off your shirt, as you helped him up, too drunk in his words as you simply obliged to his unheard commands. “Just enough to finger you.” He muttered his fingers skillfully diving into your cunt, running waves of pleasure through your body as you clutched onto his biceps. “S-Sunghoon please.” You mumbled, suppressing your voice to the lowest as you whimpered, your face scrunching as his fingers continued to waver like magic around your walls. You didn’t even pay enough attention to how and when he unzipped his own, holding his shaft as he almost rode you to your high, a familiar knot forming in your stomach as he pulled out just before you could feel the relief, earning a groan from you. Your eyes shot open at his actions, brimming orbs meeting his mischievous ones as he leaned closer to your ear, whispering the last words before he devoured you. “You hate me just enough to let me fuck.you.raw.” He let those words sink in your ears, pushing his shaft right in you as your back arched. “Let me give this pretty little cunt of yours all the attention it needs. Since my woman can’t pleasure herself enough, can’t she?” 

note: Hi!! MY HANDS WERE ITCHING TO POST SOMETHING ABOUT HOON IN SPECS AND I A CHUNK OF IT EVEN BEFORE THE PICS WERE DROPPED. I tried to mingle the plot that I wrote earlier with a few good ideas. If there are any grammartical errors, feel free to ignore cause english ain't my first language! Reblogs and likes would be appreciated!

[starogeorgina]

Redemption

Warning: Swearing, smut, hints of violence

Pairing: Ivar × reader

1.01

“Ivar!”

“What?” He whines like a child before placing a soft kiss on your bare hip and pouting up at you, his lips still slightly red and swollen from kissing you so roughly. “I told you I wanted us to have a child of our own,” he states, pushing himself further down the bed so he can have a full view of your own puffy lips. Ivar had a fascination with watching his cum drip out of you. He would often try to push it back in with his fingers or clean you up with his tongue. “I want to see you around with my child, a creation of our love.”

“I know you do.” You let out a soft groan when his finger lightly brushes over your clit. “But I’m so sensitive, I just need a moment to…”

“You’ve spilled too much of my seed,” he says, ignoring what you previously said. “I’ll need to put more inside you if we wish for this to work.”

“Hmm… fuck!” You moan loudly as he places a strong hand on either side of your head before thrusting himself inside you for the third time that evening.

Fucking was one of your favourite things to do, but Ivar would push you to the point of exhaustion with how many orgasms he gave you. He always made sure you came at least once before fucking you into oblivion.

—

You nip at Ivar’s bare chest with your teeth, and he flinches slightly, causing you to giggle. Burying your face into his neck, you mumble, “How long will you be gone for?”

“I am unsure, but I will return to you,” he says, kissing the back of your knuckles, “to our family as a proud man, not as a cripple.”

Shuffling into a more comfortable position on your back, you let out a huff. You understood why Ivar needed to go to England with his father, but you still didn’t like it. Usually you remained close by his side, but being pregnant, you decided to stay behind in Kattegat, despite Ragnar asking you to join them personally. Queen Aslaug had a dream of her husband and son drowning because of a storm, but neither of them cared much for her warning, so you tried not to worry too much; you needed to believe Ivar would always find his way back to you. Letting out a deep sigh, your hand moves to cradle your ever-growing bump.

“My sweet, sweet Drifa, I can see the doubt in your eyes, but I assure you I will not die on this journey.”

“You better not; I’ll need you by my side when I deliver our child. I don’t want to do it alone.”

“You won’t be alone. If I’m not here, my brothers and mother will remain by your side.”

“I know,” you say, toying with strands of fur from the blanket covering your chest, “but they aren’t you.”

Ivar kisses the crown of your head, stroking your hair as you start to fall asleep. There was no possible way he could assure you he wouldn’t die, but he would try to comfort you the best he could. You’d grown up alongside the sons of Ragnar, with your mother and Aslaug being so close, so you’d known Ivar all your life. You had considered him your closest friend before any romantic relationship had developed between you, but the flames of desire had been burning ever since he killed a boy who tried to force himself on you.

It would absolutely break your heart if Ivar didn’t return home.

—

You opened your eyes, scanning the dimly lit room to see where the sound in the distance was coming from. You saw nothing but recognised the heavy breathing as your husband's, so you closed your eyes again. Leaning your head back, you try to enjoy the warmth surrounding your body as Ivar drags himself into the room. You had the slaves fill you with a bath as soon as you woke, scrubbing continuously to wash away the blood that stained your skin. Your thighs and groin were red and raw, but you continued to clean each time you saw the blood from your miscarriage reappear.

It seemed like the right decision at the time to remain in Kattegat, but you were there when the village came under attack and witnessed Lagertha killing Aslaug while her back was turned. Moments later, you fell to the ground, screaming as a pain ripped through your lower abdomen as you lost your unborn child.

Lagertha had spared your life after you attempted to kill her by throwing an ax at her head. She thought that by letting you live, the sons of Ragnar wouldn’t seek revenge for their mother. Oh, how wrong she was.

“They say being in water so warm isn’t good for you, my love.” Your husband says he's propping himself up by his arms, leaning them on the side of the tub so he’s level with you.

You shrug.

“I can have one of the slaves help you get out and dressed if you’re in too much pain.”

Shaking your head, you press your forehead against Ivar’s. To most, he was a sadist and bloodthirsty man, nothing more than a man who craved violence to fill the void in his heart, but he had never treated you with anything but kindness and respect. Ivar found the love he always craved from you in spite of others thinking your relationship would fail. Since Margarethe spread rumors claiming Ivar couldn’t please a woman sexually, the other sons of Ragner enjoyed teasing Ivar, saying it wouldn’t be long until you left him for someone else, not that you ever would.

“No, that won’t be necessary. Besides, I want to stay in here until the water cools down.”

Ivar brushes damp hair behind your ear as tears start to roll down your cheeks. “Perhaps the gods took our child early so that my mother wouldn’t be alone.”

“Perhaps,” you sob. Ivar had been furious upon learning of his mother's death and had sworn to kill Lagertha one day, but he was trying his best to contain his rage around you. “Queen Aslaug deserved better. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop what happened to her, but her death will be avenged.”

“We will have our revenge on Lagertha, but for now we will bid our time. First you will regain your strength, then we will have revenge on those who are responsible for my father's death, and then we will have retribution for what happened to my mother.”

—

A mixture of dampness and thick smoke hung heavily in the air as you stepped outside for the first time in days. Hiding away wasn’t going to change what happened, and you wanted to at least appear strong on the outside. The first person to greet you is Ubbe, who pulls you into a hug. “I’m sorry, Drifa; I know how happy you and Ivar were to finally start a family of your own.”

Hvitserk hugs you next but says nothing. Behind you, Sigurd makes a crude comment about Ivar losing his mommy and then his surrogate mommy right after. You keep your composure, not wanting to give him satisfaction. Sigurd had attempted to seduce you several times since you married his brother, but each time you rejected him, making him bitter towards you.

“That’s enough,” Ubbe snaps.

Irritated, your fingers tap against one of the tables loudly, gaining all of the brothers attention. You narrow your eyes at Sigurd as your fingers slide over the selection of weapons already laid out on the table for the purpose of gutting fish.

“Just ignore him,” Hvitserk says, attempting to calm you down. “My brother is just jealous; he doesn’t even have a woman to stick his cock in.”

“Is that right, Sigurd? You are making jokes at the expense of my dead child because your dick is lonely? I’m sure we could find a nice pig for you.”

His face reddens with embarrassment when his brothers all laugh at him. “You’re nothing but a whore; we all know Ivar couldn’t possibly be the father of that thing that was growing inside you. He isn’t man enough.”

“Do not insult Ivar in front of me!”

“Why? Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about a cripple.”

You grab hold of the knife next to you and aim it at Sigurd. The edge of the knife scrapes across the side of his face, cutting it in the process. When Sigurd goes to take a step towards you, Ubbe steps in between you and says, “No more; you’ve upset our sister enough for one day.”

Another reason Sigurd hates you is because his family accepts you as one of their own. Aslaug treated you like a daughter, and his brothers were very protective of you. They admired your loyalty to Ivar.

“I am counting down the days until my husband finally kills you!” You hiss.

Hearing a laugh, you turn your head back to see Ivar observing the scene with a smile on his face. He had managed to crawl so quietly that nobody noticed him sitting on the opposite side of the table from where you stood. He claps his hands in amusement and says, “Isn’t she fantastic? Beautiful and violent.” Ivar licks his lips before sitting back in the chair. “Now, let us begin to plan our next move.”

Ivar motions for you to come over to him; when you do, he guides you till you’re sitting atop his thighs, his arm wrapping around your back while your legs dangle over his. He kisses your cheek and says, “Good girl, your aim is getting better.”

Admittedly, you weren’t the best at welding a weapon or firing an arrow until Ivar decided to teach you. You whisper, “I still think I’ll need a few more one-on-one lessons.”

He smirks before turning his attention to his brothers, who seem unfazed by you sitting on his lap, all aside from Sigurd, whose glare is burning into you.

[fandomrose]

Dan Heng- learning to touch.

Hello-

This is a fluffy Dan Heng fic. This takes place any time after the end of the Loufu Arc when Dan Heng has access to his Imbibitor Lunae form.

This is pure fluff about reader and Dan Heng becoming more comfortable with physical touch. I just thought this scenario is cute and I think this kind of intimacy is incredibly important, especially in a developing relationship.

Anyway not much else to say but enjoy. 💙

You and Dan Heng were fairly new to your relationship and had yet to initiate much physical contact at all as a result. Today was a 'hang out in your room' day and Dan Heng sat on your bed with you reading through a paper book you had brought with you from your world. 

Dan Heng had elected to be in his 'Imbibitor Lunae' form today. Which was a little out of the ordinary. He typically didn't like staying in this state for too long. But he had his horns and translucent tail out, longer hair, pointed ears. It was a treat to see it.

Unbeknownst to you Dan Heng had something on his mind and wasn't focusing on his book. Suddenly you heard an irritated sigh you knew all too well from your lover. 

"What's the matter Dan Heng?" You ask, putting your full attention on him.

"..." He seems to be struggling to answer. "I- want something but I'm not sure about it." He had promised to be more honest with you since the whole 'Imbibitor Lunae' incident. You hadn't personally minded that he'd hidden it from you as you understood why. But it was nice to know that Dan Heng trusted you enough to want to be more honest with you. 

"What are you not sure about?" You ask gently, taking your time. If this was anything emotional or a desire of his you knew he'd struggle. So, you know to take your time and be patient with him.

"I'm not sure how to ask or- even how to do what I want." He was seemingly refusing to look at you, the lightest dusting of pink across his cheeks and a slight narrowing of his eyes. A signal that he was feeling shy about whatever it was that's troubling him.

"But what is it you want, Dan heng?" He almost looked like he was pouting. Whatever it was had clearly been weighing on his mind.

"I- want to... ughh" He brought a hand to his face and closed his eyes. Embarrassment painting his features as his tail flicked in irritation. You wait patiently knowing he will just say it eventually. "I want to touch you.. and I want you to touch me.."

"What do you mean by touch?.." You were already basically touching so you weren't entirely sure what he meant. 

He turned an even deeper pink before answering. "Skin to skin, I want to... explore your body and I want you to explore mine."

You now started to fluster your face growing hot. "Explore? Like explore explore or..."

His eyes widened and his blush deepened. "No! Um- not yet anyway. I just want to touch I'm.. curious and I'm sure you are as well."

"Ah, yes I am curious... is this why you've been in your Imbibitor Lunae form today?"

He nods, "yes that is why... I thought you'd be more open to the idea if I looked like this."

"Hey, I like you no matter your form. I'd want to explore your body either way." 

His eyes widen as he looks away from your eyes at your bold proclamation. Realising what you said you fluster at your own words but you stand by them anyway.

"You- really are too much for me to handle at times."

"Do you really mean that?" You grin.

"No." *he coughs into his hands.* "Anyway, can we, ugh. Nevermind."

"No no, well unless you absolutely don't want to. But I do want to explore each other." 

He looks at you for a couple of seconds before nodding flustered.

"How do we go about this.." He asks quietly, unsure.

"Well we should um, take our clothes off I guess." 

"Right, that would help." He hesitates so you decide to remove your top. His eyes widen as he takes in your chest and stomach. With a shaky breath he nods and removes his sleeves and top. Your eyes, like his, widen as you take in his torso. Smatterings of scales run up his sides and under the waistband of his pants where a happy trail would be. 

The two of you just stare at each other for a while before he, seemingly unconsciously, reaches out a hand. He realises and stops just short of the top of your chest. 

"May I?" He asks somewhat breathlessly. 

You smile softly and nod. "You may."

Almost as soon as your sentence ends his hand is tracing over your chest, feeling the softness of your skin, the small bumps and dips. His fingers brush your nipples softly, he watches with a fascination that heats your skin as they react, pebbling under his fingers.

He traces the outline of your chest before making his way down to your stomach. The soft smile on his face makes your heart flutter. He stops by the waistband of your pants and looks up at you, licking his lips nervously. "Can I take these off?" 

You swallow and nod "yes, you can." You whisper, trembling with nervous excitement. He nods and, with an adorably determined expression, he slowly pulls down your pants. You belatedly notice just how furiously his tail wags at the sight of you. He trails his fingers down your legs as he goes, pausing at your knees and the tops of your feet before finally removing your pants in full. 

"I don't want to stop touching you but.." He trails off and you smile realising what he wants. 

"I want to touch you too. Can I?" You know the answer but you want to hear him say it. 

"Yes." You almost want to tease him and get him to say 'please' or speak louder but you refrain for now. Instead you shuffle closer and place your hands on his pecs, smoothing your hands over them.

Your eyes slide down to the scales on his sides. "Can I touch your scales?" 

"Carefully but yes. Brush down, not up, don't pull them up please." He sounded more nervous than he ever had. Looking intently at his reactions you carefully brush your hand over a patch of scales on his left side. They were cool, almost wet feeling. You notice he's shaking quite intensely so away comes your hand.

"Are you okay? Dan heng?" He was breathing heavier and flushed.

He coughed and looked away. "Maybe not the scales. For now." 

You can't help but smile teasingly while you adhere to his wishes. "Okay, okay no scales. I'd assume your horns and tail would give a similar reaction?" 

"Um- no they shouldn't? I hope.." He looks at you both curious and nervous.

"Well we can always give it a go then add it to the 'Dan Heng' section of the archives." You chuckle at the soft pout that forms. He coughs again and holds your hand, suddenly becoming fascinated with it. He traces your fingers, poking your fingertips and rubbing your knuckles. 

You feel heat prick your cheeks at the focus he suddenly holds for your hand. He didn't even seem to be distracting you from him, he's just suddenly focused on your hand.

A short minute passes before he looks up at you, a small smile on his face at your flustered expression. 

"Try my horns now." He said softly. "If you are still interested."

"I am" you whisper, lifting you hands to softly stroke one horn each. He shivers but only for a moment, not overwhelmed this time. They feel similar to his scales. Cool, almost wet to the touch. Very smooth and sturdy feeling. You look behind him and see his tail swishing rapidly again. 

A light chuckle leaves you and Dan Heng raises an eyebrow. "Something funny?" 

"No- well yes. It's your tail, it's so- excited." 

Another light dusting of pink on his cheeks and his tail slows down, as he forces it under his control. You want to tease him for it but feel like it's the wrong time.

Dan Heng brings his tail forward and in-between you. "Touch the thick part, stroke with the scales like before. Don't touch the tip." His pink turns red for a second and you realise why. You can't help the devious smile at the thought of what they would do to him.

He lightly glares at you and you shake your head chuckling. A silent conversation, you two were familiar with those. It was something you were proud of. The other trailblazers would tease you about it and sometimes ask you to talk to Dan Heng in this way as he is more pliant with you and your silent conversations.

You lay your hand on the thick part of his tail and stroke with the scales. Like before, cool and almost wet. Surprisingly pliant but definitely strong feeling. 

"You really are amazing" you whisper not even realising you said anything. Your expression is almost reverent as you stroke the area of his tail that Dan Heng allowed you to.

He, meanwhile, was almost having a heart attack. You'd always been complimentary to him but it felt different this time. Something important seemed to have happened to your opinion of him. He can't bring himself to speak just letting you indulge in his tail.

Eventually you look up at him with a cheeky smile. "Can we become even now?" 

Dan Heng, once more, raises an eyebrow.

"You still have your pants on." 

His cheeks dust pink again and his eyes narrow but he takes his tail back and slowly takes his pants off. The two of you are now only in your underwear and you can't help but let your eyes drift down taking in his toned thighs and the surprising bulge between his legs. 

You choose not to focus on it, not wanting to change this soft mood between the two of you when you knew the two of you weren't ready.

"There, now we are even." He tilted his head and smiled, looking a little proud of himself.

You chuckle and shuffle closer. You hover your hands over his thighs. "May I?"

"You may" his hands hover over your shoulders. "May I?"

You giggle and sigh, looking at him lovingly. 

"You may." 

The two of you indulge in soft caresses and admiration of your bodies. Eventually you both lie on your sides facing each other.

"Thank you for this. It really means alot to me." His voice was soft and he had the biggest, softest smile you'd seen from him. A new level of comfort unlocked between you both.

"This means a lot to me too, so I thank you as well my love." You place your hand on his cheek stroking softly with your thumb. You feel his face heat up under your hand. He returns the favour, taking a deep breath. He shuffles closer, your chests pressing together, legs intertwining, hips pressed together. The closest the two of you had ever been. He leans close.

"May I kiss you?"

"You may."

[joelscruff]

wait (boyfriend's dad!joel x f!reader) 18+

first and foremost! this is part of my boyfriend's dad!joel series and takes place after "words". this won't really make sense if you haven't read that one! it's so crazy to me how this started out as a silly little smutty drabble and somehow became this. this one's kind of heavy (read the warnings!!) but i promise that things won't stay this angsty forever. at its root this story is supposed to be smutty and fun and i promise there will be more of that in the future. i hope you enjoy it and here's my kofi if you'd like to leave a tip 💕 summary: it's been a month since your boyfriend discovered your relationship with his father and a month since you've seen joel. it's starting to take its toll. rating: 18+ explicit warnings: daddy kink, unprotected p in v sex, sexting, comeplay, angst, allusions to past trauma, shitty family dynamics (addiction & verbal abuse), panic attacks word count: 3.2k

i miss you

it's the only thing you've thought about texting him for about a month, a text you always type out and then erase a few moments later. it's something you swore to yourself that you wouldn't do no matter how lonely you got. he'd said he needed time, and you want to give it to him. and yet here you are, leaning against the window of your bus home from community college with tears in your eyes, phone in hand, wanting nothing more than to see him. selfish.

it's been one of the loneliest periods of your life. you've known loneliness, felt it throughout most of your childhood, through your adolescence, it's nothing new. but with joel you'd finally begun to feel whole again, like you actually mattered to someone. he looked forward to seeing you, to holding you, being with you. you'd never felt so desired and loved and protected in your whole life.

now you're back to having nothing, no one. it's a harsh reality you're forcing yourself to accept. you still haven't heard anything from your boyfriend - now ex, of course, though there was never any official breakup - and even that's a punch to the gut, an added depth to a loss that you caused.

he's hurting, i hurt him, joel's words repeat in your head. it breaks your heart that he's feeling so guilty, that he feels that he caused this entire thing when it's really your fault. if you weren't such a mess of a person, such a broken human being, the whole thing wouldn't have even happened to begin with. what kind of person sleeps with their boyfriend's father? starts a relationship with him? calls him daddy?

you know you caused this and yet you can't help but miss him so much. it's like he's ingrained himself into your bones somehow, his touch tattooed into your skin. he's all you think about, dream about. you miss being in his embrace, being held by him, whispering daddy in his ear and feeling understood, not judged. you miss his gentle kisses to your nose, the safety of his lap, his arms around your trembling form while he fucked you, took you, made you his.

you stare at the unsent text message and inevitably find yourself scrolling back up to a previous conversation from a few months back, short and simple. texting was never a frequent medium for the two of you, more-so used for you to send him dirty pictures every so often to tease him a bit. you briefly look at the picture, a close-up shot of your bare pussy with some of his come leaking out; absolutely filthy.

still have u inside me daddy

oh baby, so messy. what am I gonna do with you?

you smile at the silliness of it all, the filthiness, but it quickly fades when you remember the reality of the situation again, the fact that your boyfriend had read joel's messages, had definitely seen these texts in particular. he'd called joel a sick man. you don't agree, but you can understand why; if you'd seen a text interaction like this between your own father and a girl half his age... you'd probably have a similar reaction - though the concept of your father showing a woman any affection in the first place is alien in itself.

your bus pulls up to the stop near your house and you get off, slipping your phone back into your pocket and hiking your backpack over your shoulder as you go. it's only a short walk to your house, no more than three minutes, though you usually try to make it a bit longer to delay the inevitable disaster of your home life.

you take it one step at a time, slowly walking down the darkening street with fresh tears in your eyes. god, you're so lonely. you don't want to go home, don't want to be accosted by your alcoholic father and avoidant mother, your asshole brother who never gives you a break. it's so damn depressing in that house; when you'd first gotten together with your boyfriend you'd been so relieved to finally have somewhere else to go that wasn't school or home, another reason you'd stayed with him for so long despite the relationship being doomed. you should have known it couldn't last.

you'd told joel everything. it's hard to believe sometimes that the connection you shared was strong enough for you to trust him with some of your darkest secrets, the worst things from your past. he knows all about your family, all about what you've been through, had listened to you quietly and earnestly as you cried into his shoulder about the hand life had dealt you. he'd rubbed your back, kissed your forehead, whispered it's okay, and i'm here now, and i'm gonna take care of you, sweetheart. and he did. he did take care of you. he'd done everything right and somehow you still managed to fuck it up.

the lights are on in the house when you arrive at the front gate, though the car is missing from the driveway; this only means that your mother is out late tonight, probably staying with a friend or a lover or whoever she turns to when shit gets bad. you can't blame her - you'd done the exact same thing when you'd actually had somewhere to go - but part of you still aches for that little girl inside you that needs her, wishes she was inside waiting for you, though it's not like she'd do much to help.

your father is definitely home, probably your brother as well. you stand at the gate, gripping the strap of your backpack and deliberating even bothering to go inside. you know you'll be accosted at the front door by either a drunken tirade or bitter argument. it's a no-win situation no matter how you look at it. your phone buzzes in your pocket and you pull it out, grateful for one last brief distraction.

i miss you too, angel. so much.

your eyes go wide, heart stuttering in your chest as you stare at the words.

"fuck," you breathe, "fuck, fuck fuck," you quickly scroll up to confirm your fears - the i miss you text, the one you always erase, the one you make sure to never send - you'd somehow sent it this time, entirely by mistake.

tears are stinging your eyes as you turn on the spot and start walking back and forth in front of your house, running your hand through your hair in disbelief while you stare at joel's text. you fucking idiot. what the fuck have you done? what happened to giving him space? you stupid fucking bitch. you absolute loser. you're suddenly berating yourself the exact same way you know your father and brother will berate you if you go in the house now. you can already picture it - them seeing your tear stained cheeks, the puffiness of your eyes, the words they'll throw at you to hurt you even more, make you feel small.

fucking bitch. fucking loser. fucking idiot.

your breathing is becoming more and more erratic the longer you pace. you can't go in now, not after this, not after seeing that he misses you too and being so fucking close yet so far away. all you can suddenly think about is all those wasted moments at his house, spending so much time with your asshole boyfriend when you could have been with joel, been loved instead of tossed aside like garbage.

god, if you could only hear his voice. if you could just talk to him for one minute before you have to go into this godforsaken hellhole.

before you even fully understand what you're doing, you're hitting the call button and bringing the phone up to your ear.

he answers on the first ring.

"h-"

"i can't do this anymore," you gasp out through a sob, not even bothering to let him say anything, "joel, i can't do it, i miss you so fucking much it hurts."

"babygirl," he breathes, voice rough and deep and gorgeous and familiar, sweet like honey in your ear, "where are you? are you okay?"

and that's enough to break you.

you feel the tears begin to stream down your face, hot and unrelenting. you shake your head even though he can't see you, throat bobbing through repetitive gasps, "no, i'm not okay," you blubber, "da- fuck, joel, i- i can't do this, i can't be by myself anymore. i'm - " you don't even know where this is coming from, voice muddled, "i'm so lonely. i can't do it anymore, i can't. please, i can't."

he makes a devastating sound at your words, something between a sob and a gasp, "where are you?" he repeats, voice full of concern, "where are you, baby? i'm gonna come get you."

"the bus stop by my house," you manage to tell him through your tears, reaching the little bench and situating yourself on it without an ounce of hesitation, "i was- i was gonna go home but," another sob rips through your throat, "but they're home and i- i can't- i can't take it anymore, joel. i don't wanna be there anymore, i can't be there."

"you stay where you are, you hear me?" you can hear movement on the other line, the rattle of keys, footsteps, "don't go home, babygirl, i'm comin'. i'll be there in ten minutes."

"okay," you whisper, trying to catch your breath, "okay."

"deep breaths, baby, remember?" and you do remember; he'd taught you some exercises to help in situations like this, when you feel like the world is falling apart around you and you're just getting smaller and smaller, disappearing into nothingness. he'd held your hands while you'd sat in his lap, eyes closed as you both matched each other's breathing, melted into one another. "in and out, babygirl, that's it. real slow, count for me."

"i r-remember," you manage to hiccup, squeezing your chest with your other hand and trying to ground yourself.

the wait is excruciating, no matter how short, and no matter the fact that joel is on the other end trying to calm you. you sit on the bench with a hand on your heart and the other on your stomach, listening to joel count to five over and over, phone upturned on your thigh.

"big breath in. one...two...three...four...five," he says through the muffled sounds of traffic and wind, "big breath out. one...two...three...four...five." over and over and over again, "i'm turnin' the corner, baby, i'm almost there," he says after about ten minutes of this, "you see me, honey?"

you look up to find his headlights, getting brighter and brighter as they approach. you shakily sit up from the bench, breath coming out much less erratic now, "y-yes," you whisper.

seconds later the car is pulling up in front of you and he's jumping out, not even bothering to shut the door behind him as he dashes around it. it's been so long since you've seen him that it's jarring to suddenly have him in front of you, sprinting toward your small and shaking form with his jacket undone, shoes mismatched, glasses askew. you catch a glimpse of his expression, concerned and upset - are those tears? - before he scoops you up into his arms and pulls you in close to him.

"i'm here," he tells you, voice rumbling through his chest against your cheek, solid and warm, "i'm here now, babygirl, you're okay. you're okay."

and somehow you are.

--

"i'm sorry," is all you can say to him as he drives you to his house, hand holding yours tightly the whole way, "i'm such an idiot, i'm so sorry."

"stop saying that," he repeats for maybe the fourth time, shaking his head and squeezing your hand even more firmly, "you're not an idiot and you have nothing to be sorry about."

you really are okay now, breaths calm and tears not even flowing anymore. instead the guilt and shame and humiliation have taken over, sinking into your skin as you lean back in the passenger seat with your hood pulled up, hiding your face from him.

"i was giving you space," you mutter, "i didn't even mean to text you, it was an accident. i was being stupid, as usual."

"stop it," he says again, "stop being mean to yourself."

you close your eyes and face away from him, "easier said than done."

the two of you drive in silence for a few moments, that is until he asks, "have you eaten?" and you say, "no."

he buys you mcdonalds and doesn't let go of your hand.

--

the house hasn't changed. you hadn't really expected it to; it's not like it's been that long since you were last here. you don't bother even sneaking a peek at your ex boyfriend's bedroom as joel leads you upstairs, curiosity nonexistent.

you're not sure why you expect him to take you into his office, maybe sit on the couch with you and talk. to your surprise he leads you straight past the door, down the hallway to what you can only assume is his bedroom - a place you've never been in all your months of being with him.

"sit down," he tells you softly as he opens the door, pulling you slowly inside and nodding toward the queen sized bed, "i'll get you something to wear."

"okay," you breathe, barely looking at him as you examine the room in front of you, large but cozy, cool colors but a warm atmosphere, framed music posters and blueprints covering the walls - exactly what you'd expect from someone like joel. you shuffle forward and drop your bag at the end of his bed, sitting on the edge of it while he goes to his dresser.

you end up in one of his sleep shirts and a pair of his underwear, loving the feeling of being his again, even if neither of you have actually talked about what exactly this means for your relationship. he helps you change, tugging off your worn-out jeans and the same shirt you've worn for three days in a row, pressing a kiss to your forehead as he pulls off your panties and replaces them with his boxers. it's not sexual, but part of you still longs to pull him on top of you, just feel his weight, smell his cologne.

he pulls back the duvet and helps you climb inside onto your stomach, rubbing your arms and shoulders and releasing some of the tension you've been feeling for the past month. you feel him press another kiss to the back of your neck, pushing your hair out of the way and stroking it gently, giving you all the care and attention you've been aching for. his hands are so big, so comforting and safe, touching you everywhere without any expectations or underlying motive.

"i missed you, daddy," you whisper against his pillow, not sure if he can even hear you, even more unsure whether it's okay to use that word anymore.

he doesn't reply right away, still kneading his thumbs into the base of your back and massaging you gently. you hear him inhale and exhale deeply a few times, like he's biding time while he figures out what to say.

"sorry," you wince, "joel."

he releases you then, helps you turn over so you're on your back and peering up at him with uncertainty. he sits on the edge of the bed and reaches down to thumb your cheek, eyes sad and tired.

"i wanna be that for you, sweetheart," he murmurs, brow furrowing, "i do. i want it more than you even realize," he takes a breath, biting down on his lip briefly, "i just... i need you to tell me somethin'. be honest with me now."

your heart skips a beat, "what?"

"when you said you loved me..." his voice breaks a bit and you ache to reach for him, cup his cheek and hold him close, "was it because of what we've been doin'?" he seems to reassess his words, shaking his head slightly, "i mean, did it...did you actually mean it? or was it... was it just part of the game?"

you stare at him for a few seconds, lips parting and eyes going slightly wide. without a second thought you do exactly what you'd just been thinking about, reaching up to place your hand against his face, feeling his scruff beneath your palm. he leans in and takes a breath, peering into your eyes with a yearning you can't describe, can only feel.

you shake your head slowly, "joel," you whisper, "it's never been a game."

his eyes close, stuttering out another breath when your thumb strokes his cheek soothingly. unable to hold back anymore, you lean up to capture his mouth in a soft kiss, sweet and tender and familiar. his hand finds the back of your head, pulls you closer, claims you again.

he fucks you slow.

it's never been like this, never has he fucked you the way he fucks you now. you barely speak, just moan and whimper and sigh and melt into each other the way you've never truly been able to, not without prying ears and a time limit hanging over your heads. your hands tangle in his hair while he hits that deep spot inside you, holds you close, buries his face in your neck and breathes you in, pounds into you relentlessly like you'll both come apart at the seams if he lets go.

you're biting it back, trying not to say it as much as you desperately want to, still unsure if this is really want he wants. just tell me what to do and i'll do it. i don't care, i'm yours. he looks into your eyes and you can't help but start crying again, overwhelmed by the warmth of him, the safety. he thumbs your tears and kisses them away.

"say it," he murmurs to you as you both near your inevitable release, the tension building and building as he grabs your face with both hands and fucks you with purpose, with passion, "say it, babygirl, tell me."

you shake your head, suddenly self conscious, suddenly afraid. the feelings from earlier tonight rise back in your chest, making a home in the back of your throat as a sob threatens to rip through it.

"it's okay," he whispers, voice trembling with the speed of his thrusts, "it's okay, honey, i wanna hear you say it," he furrows his brow and releases a groan, so close to the edge, "please, baby, say it. need you to say it."

you pull him close, grip his back, press your lips to his ear, "daddy."

he groans, dark and rough, "that's it," he murmurs, "that's it baby, i'm your daddy. that's right." he pulls back to look at you, eyes meeting yours in a passionate gaze that lasts forever, "say it again."

"daddy," you whine, unable to unlock your eyes from his, lip trembling as you submit entirely to him, "feels so good, daddy."

there's something in his expression you can't place, something in his words that reverberates in your brain like a pinball. say it again... you realize it means more than you'd initially thought. he's not just asking you to say one word - he's asking for three.

"i love you," you cry out just as he presses his thumb to your clit, pushes you over the edge, "i love you."

he comes just as you do, an animalistic sound tearing from his throat as your fingers scramble for purchase at his back, holding him impossibly close to the point where his entire body weight is on top of you, but you don't care. all you can feel is the way his heart beats against your chest, the way his gasps match yours, finding the same rhythm.

you lay there still for what feels like eternity, joel laying on top of you with his cock still deep inside and his forehead pressed against your shoulder. your tears have stopped but you feel the dampness of his own on your skin, hear the gasp he lets out as he sets his emotions free.

"i love you too," he whispers in your ear, breath hot and quick, voice wrecked, "god, i love you so much."

for the first time, you stay the night.

[hwanchaesong]

┗🖋️ Mayhem, mayhem follows silence / Walks unto the middle a prince / Bringing luck out of fountains / In a vow of shielding the villains 📖

🎧: Taylor Swift - Guilty As Sin?

wc: 1.6k

genre & warnings: angst, sprinkle of fluff, smut, toxic & drunk psh, figure skater!psh, implied situationship, unprotected sex, fingering, cunnilingus, etc etc mdni

a/n: this is a part of The Tortured Poets Department series. if y'all want, you can read the other album inspired fics of other groups here.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you squint your eyes at the man in front of your door, basically disturbing your peace in the middle of the night.

"I missed you." he garbles, impaired speech due to the alcohol running in his system yet you clearly understood the three words that you have always wanted to hear from him, and you hate how much it affected you.

"Really? Sunghoon, after all the shit you gave me? That's all you have to say?" you scoffed, finding this situation ridiculous.

"But I do!" he yells, "I fucking missed you, Y/N! It's not the same without you!" his loud voice resonated throughout the area and you panicked, scared that the neighbors will sue you for his stupid noises when everybody is asleep.

"You sh- come here!" you dragged him inside your apartment, letting him stumble on the floor.

"Y/N, bab-"

"Stop calling me that!"

Anger pulses in you. How dare he storm in after all the crap he pulled on you?

He really had the audacity to show himself to you even when you made it transparent enough for him to read that you're done. You are so fucking done of dealing with him.

You love him, so so much, but he has done nothing but give you the worst delusions and fantasies that prove to be dangerous for your sanity. It kills you, shooting bullets in your brain and slicing your heart into pieces.

You've imagined yourself with a man who will treat you like a princess, not like you’re some kind of side chick.

You were diving too deep into your madness that you failed to keep an eye on Sunghoon's movements. Being a figure skater has its pros, one of them is that his sense of balance is still great even if his surroundings are swirling around, and that allows him to lurch into your direction with ease.

The bricks that you were using to build your walls seem to be fake, as it easily crumbled when his lips were placed on yours. A sudden, soft lipl ock that had your knees buckling.

It was a contrast to how he kissed you before. Full of lust and desire but now, why is it that his kiss feels like a warm blanket of love?

His hands tread on your hair, pushing it out of your face, his palms landing on your cheeks to gently caress it. His whispers of affirmation and assurance against your lips made your mind hazy.

Is it possible for alcohol intoxication to be passed down to another person by breathing into their mouths? Or is there any other explanation as to why you're suddenly hot, out of breath and your ability to think straight was crumpled.

"Y/N." Sunghoon cries your name out, and it's worrisome that he remembers the way into your own apartment even in his drunken stupor, guiding you into your bedroom.

"I really did miss you, lemme show you how much, hm?" he smiled and you gulped, don't you have any other way of halting these erroneous actions that will lead to remorse sooner or later?

Sunghoon kisses you again and your resolution tumbles down on the ground like how your body surrendered to his, ungracefully falling onto your bed.

You panted his name when he proceeded to kiss down your neck, lightly nibbling on the stretchy skin and trailing splotches of hickeys that you'll have trouble hiding for the next few days.

His hands went over to your clothed breast, feeling your nipples harden under his touch, his fingers tweaked on it. Thumb rolling over your nipple whilst he continues peppering your neck with kisses and bites.

When he has enough, he pulls your shirt up, revealing your bare chest to him. He moistened his lips, clearly enjoying the view.

"You're fucking gorgeous." he murmurs before delving into your tits, burying his face onto it and doing the honor of leaving his marks. He then popped a sensitive nub on his mouth, guzzling on it. His tongue circled around your areola, sucking on your nipple and tugging it using his teeth.

You moaned his name wantonly and that spurred him to do more, to move faster, to fuck you until you're begging and writhing for him.

He hastily removed your shorts along with your underwear, tossing it haphazardly and his mouth waters at your glistening pussy.

It has been a while since he tasted you, but he bets on all his assets that you still and will always taste divine.

Snaking his body down and dipping a finger in your wetness once he comes face to face with your womanhood.

You squirmed at the intrusion, more so when he added another digit in. He seems to be playing with it. Feeling his fingers lather juices around your labia, then inserting it inside your hole, aimlessly pushing in and out and curling them out of the blue.

He saw your legs twitch, and he smirked devilishly when he removed his fingers, denying you of orgasm.

Your eyes went wide open, lifting your head up and glaring at him, only to be greeted with a sensual visual of him licking his fingers clean. A low satisfied hum coming out of him.

"Baby, you look mad." he sighs, and you roll your eyes at his feigned innocence.

"Sunghoon," you whined, your hand flying to his shoulders when he positioned himself on top of you after ridding his clothes, freeing himself from his own restraints, "do something. Please, Sunghoon."

How he loves the way his name comes out of your lovely mouth, melodious and relaxing. It soothes all his worries away and for a minute, he thinks that he's invincible from the problems that the world throws at him.

You always had that effect on him, and maybe that's the reason why Sunghoon can't seem to stay away from you. Maybe that is why he wants you all to himself, even if it's an opposition to reality.

"What do you want me to do, princess?" he purrs, rubbing his nose against yours while his lips are barely touching yours, allowing his breath to fan your face.

You whine out of contempt, but he won't budge. He needs to physically hear you say it. Beg for it more.

"C'mon, baby. Tell me." he urges, his cock sliding up and down your slit, covering it with your slick and it had you squirming.

Whenever his length comes up, it also makes you jolt, your clit being simulated by his actions. Although, it doesn't really help. It only adds to the burning desire for the man. Giving you a taste of what you can have but not fully feeding you of the dish that you need to eat.

"I w-want you to f-" your cheeks heat up, coloring you a shade of pink, and he finds you impossibly adorable.

You've done this with him a million times (an exaggeration), but the way you get shy under him never fails to turn him on even more.

"I'm listening." he mutters, the tip of his cock prodding at your entrance, his hands digging into the plush meat of your thighs.

You take a deep breath, swallowing the embarrassment, "I want you to fuck me. Please, Hoonie. Please do something I- Ah!"

You wailed when he entered you without any warning in one go, the intrusion surprising you as it had been a while since you had sex with someone. The last time was when, well, with Sunghoon.

"You know how to get to me, do you?" Sunghoon grits his teeth, the nickname that you accidentally slipped out made him go feral, snapping his hips into yours without letting you adjust first.

He's harsh, mean, and relentless— and you won't have it any other way.

You moan, hands making their way into his hair, treading through his jet black tresses and wiping the sweat from his forehead. A display of affection that did nothing but to make his heart race.

Vaguely, you felt his fingers draw lines on your upper thigh. Shapes? Letters? You couldn't catch up on what he was doing, especially when he kissed you hard while simultaneously hitting your deepest spot inside your leaking walls.

He mumbles against your bruised lips, "We have all night, baby. I'm not stopping until I'm satisfied."

It was rough, the way he manhandled you into different positions on your mattress. Merciless, when he cums into you before slamming back in, pushing his seed into your womb.

Your vision became pitch black during your session, and you can't help but wonder about the morning that is about to come.

---------------------------------------------------

A stray light passes through the curtains, seeping through your closed eyes and it stirred you awake.

Then you shoot up, remembering the events last night.

Sunghoon meeting with you, kissing your top lips rather messily, confessing the word that starts with 'M' and ends with an 'E'.

You peeked under your blanket. Completely clothed, you're clean, not sticky, yet the musky, alcoholic scent in your sheets tells you otherwise.

You shut your eyes tightly, salty tears threatening to fall as they form in the corner of your lids. Hands on your smooth hair, gripping it to the point where your scalp started to sting.

Are you imagining things? Have you finally gone insane?

You stand up from your bed, making your way into the mirror and there you see the love marks that he left.

That's a relief, you're not exactly crazy.

The labyrinth that you're solving is nowhere near close to finishing, and here you are, going back to zero.

Washing yourself in warm water, the remnants of last night flowing down the drain, it made you contemplate.

If he continues to torment you like this, how much would you last before the beauty of his terror finally makes you crack a dam?

Only one answer to that damned question.

Remain constant in choosing the false god that you worship until the heavens give you a sign that you’re guilty as sin whenever it comes to him.

taglist:

@shakalakaboomboo @ramenoil @slutforjeno @pshcomforts

[bosbas]

Chapter 9: I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost

series masterlist previous part || next part

pairing: colin bridgerton x enemy!fem!reader WC: 4.0k words

Warnings: period-typical gender roles, small part of the dialogue in French, colin being incredibly down bad it's insane, Penelope DOES NOT have feelings for colin in this, the bridgertons being tapped in as fuck

Summary: It took precisely two days in England for you to utterly despise Colin Bridgerton. It took him approximately twelve hours after that to hate you right back. But he doesn't care that you're the only person in the ton who doesn't like him. You're set to marry someone else anyway, right?

A/N: this one wrote itself basically. so enjoy! happy weekend and a big smooch

June 6, 1816 – It seems that one Mr. Nigel Berbrooke has returned after an extended unexplained absence. He was spotted at the gentleman's club last night, though only for a very short time. This author heard that Mr. Berbrooke was asked to leave only an hour into his appearance due to a particularly aggressive threat he made toward Simon Basset. It’s safe to say that he has been uninvited from the Duke’s ball this evening, and perhaps from the rest of the social season’s events as well, depending on how lenient the Duke and Duchess of Hastings decide to be. 

However, information regarding his whereabouts for the past month is scarce, and this author lacks any reputable sources about what the man has been up to while away from London. But rest assured, dear readers, that any information I receive will be relayed through this very column.

Colin looked nervously at his reflection for what seemed like the hundredth time, adjusting his cravat ever so slightly. He sighed in frustration, accepting the fact that his appearance wouldn’t look quite right no matter what he did. 

Tonight was Daphne’s ball, and he knew for a fact that you would be in attendance. As much as he was trying to convince himself that this ball was no different, he knew it wasn’t going to be the same. Not after his talk with Anthony. There were some concerningly similar aspects between Kate and Anthony and his friendship– could he even call it a friendship? –with you, and Colin was not too hard-headed to be able to admit that. 

But he didn’t want to scare you off. As much as he liked you, he knew you were skittish after everything that happened with Lord Barlow. Besides, Colin didn’t even know if you liked him, too, or if you considered all of this as just an attempt to make you look desirable to other candidates. 

Frankly, Colin wasn’t even sure he could convince you to ever marry him. Maybe just being friends, or whatever it was the two of you had now, would suffice. Truthfully, he would take anything. 

Tonight, he just wanted a dance. And perhaps a chat, too. 

Based on the past few times Colin had spoken with you, he had concluded that you might be his favorite person in the ton to talk to. The mere thought of speaking with you tonight stirred excitement in his stomach. Every time you engaged in conversation, he found himself utterly captivated, forgetting everything else around him. What's more, you seemed genuinely interested in his what he had to say, a rarity among the ton. For the first time, he felt truly understood, and he hoped desperately that you reciprocated his sentiment. 

“You look fine,” assured Eloise. “Now can we please go? We’ll never hear the end of it from Daphne if we’re late!” 

Colin grumbled in annoyance but begrudgingly made his way to the carriage. In truth, he'd do just about anything to be near you. Even if he didn’t immediately dance with you– knowing full well you would be flocked by hordes of gentlemen wanting your hand in marriage– he still liked to simply… observe you. How your eyes crinkled shut when you laughed, the way you nervously bit your lip when someone you didn’t particularly like asked you to dance, the way you fiddled with your gloves when you were itching to get out of a conversation.

Bloody hell, Colin thought, maybe he did have feelings for you. Well, not love, that would be absurd. But certainly something more than the petty rivalry that had consumed your interactions for weeks on end. It was a sobering realization, especially after relentlessly antagonizing you for the better part of seven weeks.

He was so caught up in his thoughts about you that Colin barely noticed once the carriage had arrived at Daphne and Simon’s residence.

“Colin, darling, is anything the matter?” his mother inquired, tapping him on the arm and gently leading him toward his sister’s home.

“No, no, sorry. Everything’s alright, just got a bit distracted there,” he smiled back. 

Christ, he had to get a grip. You’d be put off immediately if you saw how he was acting now. He smoothed his coat down as he entered the ballroom, eyes immediately searching for you in the crowd.

He quickly spotted you speaking to a man he’d never seen before with Isabelle and Carlos by your side. Damn, thought. He’d have to wait to ask you to dance. 

But it was no bother. In the meantime, he attended to his duties as the most beloved Bridgerton. He sought out his sister and Simon to thank them for hosting the ball, of course, and danced with Penelope Featherington. 

Yet his focus stayed on you. He found himself glancing over to where you were every few minutes, just needing reassurance that you were still there. And also because he quite liked looking at you in general.  

Colin shook his head, bringing his attention back to Penelope. He had to remind himself to pull himself together. Even though Colin had spoken to Anthony, you had no reason to believe anything was different between you two. And it wasn’t. Everything was the same. It was only Colin who had changed. Who wanted something different, something more. 

“What’s on your mind?” asked Penelope after she noticed Colin’s drifting attention.

“Ah, nothing,” he responded dismissively. “Does Lady Montclair look particularly… subdued tonight, do you think?”

“Y/N?” Penelope clarified, looking over at where you were standing next to Louis. 

“Oh heavens, don’t look now!” Colin whispered, panicked. “She’ll see us both looking and know we were talking about her.”

Penelope laughed in disbelief. “Could it be? That my dear friend Colin Bridgerton is finally falling for someone? Have you truly found roots in England? Is that why you’ve stayed for so long this season?”

Colin could only smile bashfully. She had never seen him quite like this. And though it was unusual, it was fairly endearing to see him so flustered over a girl.

“Well, go talk to her, then. What are you doing dancing with me?”

“Penelope, I dance with you at every ball. I can go speak with her after. And don’t tell anyone! I’m not even sure if she likes me.”

“Very well then,” relented Penelope, but Colin did not miss the knowing smile she sent him.

After the dance concluded, Colin chatted with his brothers for a few minutes before making his way over to you and Louis, wanting to avoid seeming overly eager. But once he started walking toward you, your head shot up, as if you could tell that he was getting nearer. 

Your eyes met for a split second, but you immediately turned your head away, choosing instead to look at your gloved hands, which were fidgeting nervously. Colin frowned in confusion at your reaction, but continued walking, thinking that perhaps you had seen someone else behind him. 

As he reached your side, he saw you chewing anxiously on your lip and his frown deepened. But he pushed through. This was what he wanted, after all. You were what he wanted. 

“Lady Montclair,” he bowed. “Would you care for a dance tonight?” he asked, a hopeful smile on his lips as he reached for the dance card on your wrist.

But you pulled your hand away abruptly, refusing to meet his eyes. “No, thank you, Mr. Bridgerton,” was your curt response. 

Colin’s confusion morphed into frustration. What was the matter with you?

“That’s alright, I understand if you want to save space on your dance card for more…serious suitors,” he cringed as he heard himself speak. But at the end of the day, he was well aware that you were looking for a titled gentleman to be your husband. “We could take a turn about the ballroom and chat for a bit,” he offered, looking at you hopefully once again.

You finally met his eyes, and he could tell you were searching for something as you looked at him, a pained look on your face.

“No, thank you,” you repeated firmly, an edge to your voice. 

Colin rolled his eyes. This was so typical of you. You let him in for about three seconds and then went back to keeping him at arm’s length for whatever unknown reason.

“Are we really back to doing this?” asked Colin, exasperated. “I thought we were friends, at the very least.”

Your spine was suddenly rigid, and a fury ignited in your eyes. “We were never friends, Mr. Bridgerton,” you ground out. “You were simply doing Eloise a favor. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone else I must dance with.”

Your voice was cold and uncaring, and Colin was slapped with a reminder of how things used to be as you sidestepped him to go toward the other side of the ballroom. 

Three steps into your journey, it was clear that there wasn’t actually anyone waiting to dance with you, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why you were so desperate to get away. Even at the peak of your hatred toward him, you were always open to verbally sparring. 

Colin turned around to Louis, shooting him a questioning look. But your brother could only shrug. Who knew what went on in the depths of your brain? Louis had noticed you had been slightly on edge ever since you returned from Hyde Park with your sisters yesterday afternoon, but he wasn’t expecting you to be this hostile, especially after getting along so well with Colin.

Feeling his desire to speak with you outweigh his pride, Colin turned back and grabbed your hand, turning you to face him. “If what you want is to go back to arguing, I’m happy to do that,” he said, heart sinking to his stomach at the thought of going back to how things were.

He sounded positively pathetic. But he didn’t care. All he cared about was keeping this fragile dynamic alive, keeping you near him. If Anthony and Kate could do it, couldn’t the two of you?

You seemed on the brink of tears, but your voice held an unspeakable fury. “What I want is for you to leave. Me. Alone,” you emphasized each word with a pointed jab at his chest. “Please,” you whispered, your voice faltering. “I do not wish to dance with you, or to chat with you, or even to be near you at all. Good night.”

With that, you pivoted away, heading towards the refreshment table, tears welling in your eyes. And Colin was left standing there, hand lingering over the spot on his chest you had prodded.

He felt a familiar anger rising through him. It didn’t matter that you were the only person in the world who understood him. It didn’t matter that you were completely beautiful and incredibly smart, either. And it certainly didn’t matter that he’d fallen for you. Because you still hated him. And he was a fool to ever think things could be different.

Colin was rooted to the spot, unable to move as he watched you smile and greet some gentleman or other. He flinched as he saw the man kiss the back of your hand, and watched, seething, as he led you to the dance floor. 

Deciding he needed something stronger than lemonade, Colin turned around and grabbed a glass of champagne, downing it in one go. He couldn’t believe you didn’t think he was your friend. What the hell else could you call it?

He spotted Eloise and Penelope chatting close by and stomped over to them. He was sure he looked like Gregory after a fight with Hyacinth, pouting with his arms crossed, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

“I thought you were going to talk to Y/N,” said Penelope, confused to see him back so soon. 

Colin shot her a murderous look. “She wants nothing to do with me, apparently. She said the only reason I talked to her was out of a favor to Eloise.”

Eloise coughed awkwardly. “Well, didn’t you?”

“No!” shot back Colin defensively. “Not entirely, at least. I don’t know. I need to leave.” 

You were still dancing with the unnamed man, and Colin was very much still seething as he watched the pair of you twirl around and smile at one another. 

Usually, it was frustrating to watch you dance with other people because you were never like that with him. But this well and truly hurt. It hurt to see you like this when he knew, now for a fact, that he could never have that with you again. 

“I need to leave,” he repeated. He couldn’t bear to watch you do this all night.

Snatching another glass of champagne and downing that one, too, he bid his goodbyes to Penelope and Eloise and made his way across the ballroom to the exit.

“Are you leaving already, darling? You’ve barely been here an hour,” Colin heard next to him as a hand reached out for his elbow. 

Turning around, he faced his mother, who looked like she was in the middle of a conversation with Anthony and Benedict. 

Colin nodded. “I’m sorry, mother. I just can’t. I can’t stay,” he responded, voice breaking as he glanced back toward you again. 

Seeing you lean to whisper something in your suitor’s ear, he slumped forward, practically feeling physical pain at the sight. 

“I must go,” Colin said firmly, giving his mother a quick squeeze and rushing to the door. 

Violet nodded, bewildered, and followed where Colin’s gaze had been. Finding you dancing with Lord Norcliffe, Violet sent a knowing look to Benedict and Anthony. 

“I suppose Hyacinth was right,” she said sympathetically.

“And don’t you dare tell her! It’ll get to her head,” responded Benedict. 

---

“The Bridgertons will be in attendance tonight,” your mother informed you carefully as you sat in the carriage on the way to yet another ball. 

“And by the Bridgertons you mean…”

“She means Colin, yes,” answered Jacques, earning a stifled laugh from his wife, Chiara. 

Ever since they’d been back and learned of your intense hatred for Colin, Jacques had not been able to stop making a mockery of it. Usually, you were quite agreeable, and it was rare that you found yourself at odds with someone who wasn’t your sibling, so this seemingly unprompted hatred was quite amusing to your brother. 

You groaned and glared at him. “No one asked you to come tonight, you know. In fact, no one asked you to come to England at all! You could have stayed in Tuscany, and I would have been much happier.”

“Ah, but then I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to tease you about this,” answered Jacques, completely unbothered by your biting tone. 

“Whatever,” you grumbled in response, only slightly comforted by Chiara’s apologetic smile as she softly scolded her husband.

It had been four days since your run-in with Nigel, and three since you saw Colin at Daphne’s ball, and the thought of seeing him again made you feel sick. It was already bad enough that he was disgusting and had no respect for you, but it was made infinitely worse by the fact that you had let yourself grow to care for him. In a friendly way, of course. You could never have married him, anyway. But it was still embarrassing that you fell into his charming trap and thought that you could become something more than a conquest for him.

“Be nice,” your mother whispered in warning as you approached the Bridgertons. 

You shrugged her off, not needing a reminder. You had been brought up to be the perfect lady. You weren’t about to forget yourself now. You refused to give Colin that power. 

You greeted the family warmly until you got to Colin. “Mr. Bridgerton,” you said, giving him a curt nod.

Not waiting for a response, you moved to stand away from him as you looked out at the crowd. Perhaps you would find a gentleman who was actually enjoyable to talk to, though your chances seemed slim. 

Colin shifted uncomfortably on his feet, watching you intently. It seemed that your behavior at Daphne’s ball hadn’t been a fluke, after all. He ground his teeth in annoyance, growing increasingly irritated by the fact that you were just standing there.

Why weren’t you doing anything? It was infuriating. Perhaps it would have been less infuriating if it were anyone else, but it seemed like anything you did was particularly vexing to him.

Making his way over to you, he stopped beside you. Wanting to slip back into the comfort of your tumultuous dynamic, Colin took a shot at your attire. “I see the modiste-”

“Don’t,” you interrupted, your voice shaking, barely above a whisper, and your gaze locked ahead of you. 

Colin was taken aback. You had never, in all the time that he had known you, backed down from an argument. It seemed that you just… didn’t want him around at all. You hated him enough that you didn’t want to be near him. And in any way that mattered, it was worse than when you were antagonizing him.

“I’m sorry,” Colin said desperately. “I didn’t mean- Look, can we please talk? Just quickly, I just want-”

But you didn’t even let him finish. “There’s nothing to say.”

Colin scoffed, a futile attempt to hide how hurt he was really feeling. “What do you mean there isn’t anything to say? I have things to say, at least. Just talk to me.”

You finally turned to face him, feeling your stomach drop as you looked at his desperate eyes searching yours for an answer. 

“Let me rephrase. I do not wish to speak with you, in any capacity, now or any time in the future. I do not care to hear what you have to say, Mr. Bridgerton, and I would appreciate it if you could respect that, though I know that’s not usually in your nature.”

Colin could only sputter, staring at you in disbelief as you walked away. He felt his stomach turn uncomfortably as you reached a man he didn’t know, but whom you’d danced with at Daphne’s Ball. 

He had to have done something wrong. Colin hadn’t the slightest clue what, but you obviously had something against him, and it clearly wasn’t just you being silly. 

He swore under his breath. You were impossible. Not even Eloise knew why you hated him! How on earth was he supposed to know how to fix this when you refused to speak with him? It was almost easier when all you did was hurl insults at him and step on his feet as he poured lemonade down your dress.

Over on the dance floor, you couldn’t help but steal glances at Colin, mentally scolding yourself every time you did. This was not how you were supposed to be acting toward the man who had jumped at the first opportunity to compromise you.

The only reason you were dancing with Lord Norcliffe now was because he had not arrived in London until after your whole debacle with Lord Barlow. You supposed he could have heard what happened from someone else, but he was safer than the rest of the men of the ton, you thought grimly. It would’ve helped if he was interesting to talk to, or even nice to look at, but you supposed you couldn’t be very selective.

Curtsying and thanking Lord Norcliffe for the dance, you made a beeline toward Carlos and Philippe across the room. 

“You look like you don’t want to be here,” commented your brother, amused. 

You rolled your eyes at him. “Astute observation, Philippe.”

Carlos laughed and gave you a comforting pat on the head. “But what happened to your season in England? I thought you were excited to be here?”

“My mother and father were certainly excited,” you mused, taking Philippe’s lemonade and drinking from it. 

Seeing their confused looks, you briefly explained your encounter with Nigel Berbrooke, and they suddenly became very concerned. 

“Ce connard! Il est où? Je vai le tuer,” growled Philippe under his breath, not wanting the rest of the ton to hear his threat (That asshole! Where is he? I’m going to kill him).

“Philippe, it’s alright,” you assured him, glancing over at Carlos and seeing that he, too, had understood your brother’s words despite not speaking French. “I believe Simon Basset took care of him at White’s a few days ago.”

“That’s just as well, or I’d have done it myself,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“You can just come to Spain next year, cariño,” Carlos said warmly.

You smiled up at your brother-in-law, silently thanking him for the offer even though you knew your parents would never allow it. 

Colin watched enviously as you had a conversation with your older brother and your older sister’s husband. He wished he could talk to you again. Even if nothing got resolved between you, he liked to hear your voice. He loved how stubborn you were and how frustrated you got when you forgot the English word for something. He just missed you, he supposed. 

Which is why, as Colin watched yet another man approach you and write their name on your dance card, he decided he couldn’t do this anymore. The watching, the waiting, the wanting. He couldn’t do any of it anymore. 

“I need to leave,” he said firmly.

Daphne, who had been standing beside him, turned to face him, startled. “Leave where?”

“India, Egypt, Morocco, back to Greece. I don’t care. I just need to get out of here.”

“What? Why?” asked Daphne, still confused. 

“You know why,” Colin responded flatly, giving her an unimpressed look. 

Daphne instinctively turned to look at you, laughing as the man you were dancing with whispered something to you. She turned to look back at her brother with a disappointed look.

“I can’t imagine leaving would be the best option.” 

“Why not?” Colin shot back. “What good can my presence possibly do?”

Daphne put a hand on her brother’s elbow, giving him a sympathetic look. However, her voice was firm. “You always leave when it gets hard, you know? You’re always the first out the door and onto a different continent. Why are you so scared of staying?”

Colin was stunned. He didn’t know his motives were that obvious. But he supposed it made sense for Daphne to know since she knew him better than most people.  

“I’m not scared of staying,” Colin insisted defensively. “I just think it’ll be better for everyone if I go.”

Daphne furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head. “And do what? What could you possibly be doing that is so important that you would abandon the woman you love?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Colin argued, his voice growing strained as he felt his chest getting tighter. “None of it matters. She doesn’t love me back. I could be down the street or in Brazil and she wouldn’t even notice. She clearly hates me and wants nothing to do with me, so why should I stay?”

Daphne crossed her arms, looking more than a little disappointed. “Well, I won’t be the one to stop you if you decide to go. But really think about whether you want to be the person who leaves time and again. Things could change. It's only been a few days since she's been like this.”

She had a point, but Colin was too upset to admit it. Daphne was right. He couldn’t just leave now. If anything, it would hurt him more than being near you with you not speaking to him. It was the strangest feeling, knowing you loved someone but feeling powerless to do anything about it. 

Colin knew he couldn’t continue like this. Perhaps he couldn’t leave, but he could certainly stay as far away as possible. 

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Another Chance to Live Part 2 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana has to play against her former club with your former team. You do your best to support each other and slowly become closer.

Part 1

A/N: It took me a bit longer to re-read and edit this than I thought since it made me emotional because of another transfer that I'm still in denial about 😭

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next part. I'm always happy to hear what you think or what you'd like to see in this story.

Just like you had hoped, Ana and you continued to hang out regularly. In fact you spent most of your days off together and even met up fairly often in the evenings, relaxing either at her or your apartment. More often than not you still couldn’t believe your luck that the Swiss woman actually liked being around you too.

You made sure to steer away from any deep topics though, keeping in mind that Ana preferred when you offered distractions when she seemed unhappy. It wasn’t always easy for you because you wanted to know everything about her and you longed to comfort the blonde when she looked at you with sad eyes. However you understood that she had other people, better friends, that she could talk these things over with.

On the other hand Ana with her sweet and caring nature always asked how you were doing and offered to listen to your problems the moment she picked up that something was bothering you. The desire to tell her everything was almost unbearable at times. You wanted to unload all the things weighing on your heart , well maybe not everything, you would never reveal your feelings for her, but other things like the situation at your club or with your family.

However you didn’t. You successfully kept yourself from spilling your sorrows to Ana. For one you didn’t want to burden the Swiss woman with your problems, she had enough going on without you adding to it. And also you didn’t want her to know that she was the only person you would actually feel comfortable opening up to. It was a painful reminder that Ana was so much more important to you than you were to her.

A few days before Atlético was due to play Barcelona in Madrid the two of you were hanging out again. You had cooked some food together and then settled down in front of the TV for the night. You could tell that the Swiss woman was having a hard time focusing on the show you were watching, even though she had picked it.

Ana kept sighing quietly and glancing over at you. You in turn did your best to distract her, offering up your thoughts about what you were seeing on TV. It was getting increasingly difficult not to ask the blonde what was going on.

‘She prefers a distraction. She doesn’t want to talk about it, at least not with you. What she wants from you is a distraction, so try to find some interesting or funny things to say for crying out loud!’ You reminded yourself over and over again.

You were searching your brain to find something good to say when Ana broke the silence. “Can I ask you something?” She asked timidly.

The insecurity in Ana’s voice took you by surprise, that was really unlike her. But you didn’t dwell on it; instead you quickly assured the Swiss woman that she could always ask you anything.

“Okay, so…It’s not really a question but a favor. And it’s totally fine for you to say no, don’t feel bad at all if you say no! Especially because it puts you in a bit of an awkward situation. You know what, I’m just now realizing how stupid and selfish this is and I just changed my mind.”

You reached out to place your hand on Ana’s thigh, hoping to comfort and calm the clearly agitated woman this way.

“Hey, don’t worry. Just ask me. I have no doubt that the answer will be yes,” you encouraged her.

There wasn’t a single thing you could think of that you wouldn’t do for Ana. Well maybe there were some things, most of them illegal in one way or another, but you doubted that the Swiss woman was going to ask for any of them.

Ana took a deep breath before rushing out her request, “Would you come watch our game this week? The idea of seeing all of my former teammates again really hurts and it would help me so much if I knew you were there. I understand that it’s a lot to ask because my team is your former team, so like I said…”

„Yes, of course I’ll come, it’s the least I can do,” you interrupted the Swiss woman.

Sure you weren’t too keen on going back to Atlético’s stadium and see all of your former teammates play together without you, but the simple fact that Ana asked you to come and even said it would help her, was enough to forget all about that. Who cared if it would make you a little sad? Who cared if maybe some people would come up to you and bring up the still painful transfer? You definitely didn’t, not if you had a chance to make the blonde feel better.

For some reason Ana seemed taken aback by your answer. “Wait what? It’s the least you can do? What have I ever done for you? If anything I owe you! You keep hanging out with me; you keep showing me amazing places here.”

You scrunched up your nose at the blonde’s words. It didn’t sit right with you that she made it sound like hanging out with her was a chore for you, not when it was the only thing that brought you any joy lately.

“But I love spending time with you!” You cried out, for once completely forgetting to add the obligatory ‘as a friend’.

A soft smile appeared on the Swiss woman’s face when she heard your words, as well as the indignation in your voice.

“The same is true for me,” she was quick to assure you, before focusing once again on her first question. She wouldn’t let you wriggle out of this so easily. “But seriously why do you feel like you need to pay me back in anyway? I don’t remember ever doing anything for you.”

Slight panic began pumping through your veins, as you scrambled to come up with anything better to offer up than ‘You hang out with me when you’re so much better than me and there are surely so many better people in your life that you could hang out with.’ That just wouldn’t do. It was one thing to be pathetic, but another thing to shout it from the rooftops.

“I didn’t really mean it like that. Just that I’m always happy to do anything for you,” you mumbled finally. This time you caught yourself however and quickly continued, “I love being there for my friends.”

Ana didn’t need to know that there was no one else on the planet you would do this for.

“Aw, you’re so sweet,” the blonde cooed, her compliment instantly making you blush. “And I hope you know that I’m always happy to do anything you need as well.”

You nodded instinctively, not believing it for one second. Not that you doubted that Ana would be there for you in a for a friend reasonable manner, but your commitment to her went way beyond that. There was very little the blonde could ask for that you wouldn’t do for her.

Thankfully the conversation moved on to safer topics after thi and you could relax once again. At least as much as you were ever able to relax around the woman you were hopelessly in love with.

---

When you walked to your seat in Atlético’s stadium a few days later you cursed yourself for agreeing to this. With every step you took it felt like the sadness inside of you grew, taking up more and more space until it was almost impossible to breathe.

This was supposed to be your stadium. Your teammates, former teammates you reminded yourself, had often called you the Alexia Putellas or Leah Williamson of Atlético Madrid. Someone that practically bled their team’s color, born and raised there, and honestly set on dying there too.

Not that you had ever been on a level comparable to Alexia or Leah, which had become painfully obvious when Aleti just dropped you like you were a piece of trash. You hadn’t told anyone this yet, but after that conversation you had seriously considered giving up football once and for all. The thought of playing anywhere else had been ripping you apart. But in the end the idea of not playing the sport you loved at all anymore had been even harder to bear.

You thanked your lucky star that you at least made it to your seat without anyone approaching you. At this point you weren’t sure if you would be able to keep it together if anyone spoke to you. Maybe the people around you could read as much on your face because you could definitely hear some whispering and felt a lot of gazes resting on you, but miraculously people kept their distance.

Although it was possible you were wrong about seemingly everyone watching you. You didn’t look around to check if the stares you could feel were actually real, instead you made sure to keep your eyes carefully trained on the pitch, avoiding making eye contact with anyone, which might inadvertently  give them the courage to come up to you.

So you sat there, totally rigid, every fiber of your body tense, wishing for the seconds to pass by as quickly as possible, but somehow that only made them crawl slower than a snail. Maybe you should just leave, come up with an excuse why you had to go. Was this really worth it?

You got your answer the moment Ana entered the pitch, looking around the stadium searchingly. The instant she spotted you a big smile appeared on the blonde’s face, all of the tightness leaving her body momentarily. 

Yes, this was worth it. Ana was worth this and so much more.

You kept thinking of the Swiss woman’s happiness and relief at seeing you when people got bolder during half time, walking up to you to tell you that they missed you at Atlético, that it wasn’t the same without you and that they would never forgive the club for their treatment of you. Empty words since they were here supporting them right now.

Not that you wanted them to turn their backs on the team. You understood having conflicting feelings, your own probably the most complicated of them all. Being back in this stadium you played so many of your games, made you furious and sad, but it also filled you with a longing to go back and brought about a sense of worthlessness. Why hadn’t you been good enough to keep around?

Despite Ana’s best effort to act nonchalant you saw the signs of her struggles clearly, even from the relative distance of the stands. So throughout the entire game you kept watching the blonde like a hawk, as if you could help her feel better about this by some sort of telepathic connection that required a laser like focus on your end.

This way you observed how tense Ana was when her former teammates hugged her, almost reluctant to accept the loving touches because she knew she wasn’t going to see them again anytime soon after this night. 

You also saw how lost the Swiss woman looked on the pitch when the game started. As if she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the fact that she was on the field with the Barça girls, but not as their teammate.

And you noticed that Ana avoided looking over to the traveling Barcelona fans until the game was finished, despite them chanting her name several times. Only once the final whistle was blown did she go over. It seemed impossible from your spot practically on the other side of the stadium, but you were sure you saw the Swiss woman holding back tears as she thanked them profusely.

You kept on watching while Ana talked with her former teammates. She smiled while chatting, but it was a smile filled with sadness. You briefly wondered if the Barça girls could see that as well. Did they even care? Even though you knew this wasn’t their fault at all, you felt an irrational anger towards them. How could they move on from Ana so quickly? They should have raised hell!

If you would have paid the Barça players any attention you would have seen the unhappiness and concern on their faces, clearly missing the Swiss woman a great deal. However your focus lay solely on the blonde.

The moment Ana disappeared into the tunnels, you also began making your way out of the stadium, keeping your head down and brushing off everyone that tried to initiate a conversation with you. They probably thought you were being rude, but you didn’t care. You were on a mission to get to Ana’s car, the agreed upon meeting point, as soon as possible.

If you would have stopped and thought about it for a second you would have realized that there was no way she would be there anytime soon. The Swiss woman still had to shower and stay around for the post match talk, so really there was no rush. Still, you hurried there as fast as you could.

And to be honest you also felt much more comfortable in the parking lot, an area off limits to the public, than in the stadium surrounded by so many curious fans. They had all been friendly and every single one that had spoken to you had stated that they were on your ‘side’, but nonetheless it was a constant reminder of your unwilling departure from your childhood club. And if it were up to you this subject would stay buried underneath heaps of pretending.

Therefore you worked hard to keep your mind away from your own dark thoughts while you waited for Ana, focusing instead on contemplating every possible emotional state the blonde could be in and how you could be a good distraction for her tonight. Because even though the two of you had to leave for your respective national teams tomorrow you had decided to spend the evening together, maybe even have a sleepover.

When the Swiss woman appeared, the first one from the team to get to the parking lot, she was a little out of breath and looked drained. Not physically, but emotionally. You debated giving her a hug, however Ana decided for you by walking directly towards the driver seat and slipping in without pausing for a second.

You assumed that she was just eager to leave, perhaps scared that one of her former teammates would catch up to her and would want to have a prolonged conversation. That was definitely something you were a little anxious about yourself with your own former teammates. Therefore the quick departure suited you just fine.

And when you caught a glimpse of some of your former teammates entering the car park as you drove off, you thanked Ana in your mind.

The truth was that the Swiss woman had actually done it for you. Throughout the night she didn’t have the same opportunity to continuously watch you as you had, but still she kept glancing over at you any chance she got. And Ana had noticed instantly that you didn’t feel comfortable, everything about your posture and your expression had screamed that you wanted to leave. So she had made sure to rush and get you out of there as quickly as she could.

During the car ride home you kept up a constant stream of light chatter, hoping that it posed a good enough distraction for your companion. Now that she was so close, you didn’t dare to outright stare at her like you had done during the game, but with some quick glances now and then you ensured that Ana looked mostly calm, not really happy though.

At your apartment you had everything waiting for a cozy movie night. You ushered Ana to sit down and relax, while you whirled around the apartment getting everything ready. It didn’t take long since you had prepared what you could before leaving for the game.

Once you sat down and flicked on the TV, turning to the Swiss woman with a slightly forced smile, you noticed that something wasn’t right. Ana was chewing her lips nervously, tapping the tips of her fingers together in quick succession.

“Is everything okay?” You blurted out before you could stop yourself. “No wait, I’m sorry, forget that. Let’s just watch the movie, hopefully that will be a good distraction and if not, just tell me. Then we can try something else. Maybe play a game? Or just go to sleep?“

Ana sighed deeply, unhappiness etched on her usually so happy face. Anxiety began freezing your veins; you weren’t doing a good enough job at distracting her. You weren’t good enough.

“Look I know I said that stupid thing about preferring distractions once but I didn’t mean it. I just said it because…” Ana trailed off, looking very uncertain if she should continue.

“What?”

That was the only thing you could think of. The idea that all this time you hadn’t actually been giving the blonde what she craved most, felt like a stab through the middle of your heart. But even more so you wondered, if you hadn’t than why had she still been hanging out with you?

Apparently Ana decided that she did want to explain her reasoning some more. She took a deep breath before she continued talking.

“I only said it because I felt so bad complaining about my transfer to Atlético to you of all people. But I’ve regretted it almost every time we’ve hung out. Because I want to talk with you about it, I want to talk about everything with you. And most of all I want you to talk to me about your own unwanted transfer and how it makes you feel. But I felt weird pushing you to open up about it after I said I didn’t want to talk about mine.”

There was too much in Ana’s explanation that you didn’t know how to deal with, so you focused on the things that were easy for you, “You know you can always talk to me about anything. Please never feel bad about that, I’m always happy to listen! And don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine with my transfer. These things happen and it’s not like Real is a bad team or anything, so I can’t really complain.”

That was a flat out lie of course, you had been complaining a lot about your transfer and you definitely still had strong feelings about it, all of them bad. But Ana didn’t need to worry about that, not when she was struggling with her own club situation.

The Swiss woman scooted closer to you, putting a hand on your thigh. She looked at you seriously and you knew instantly that the Swiss woman didn’t believe a word you had just said.

“Don’t do that, please. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel bad after being dropped by your club, I know I do and my connection to Barcelona wasn’t even a deep as yours with Atléti.”

The softness of Ana’s voice combined with her words, words that you had been craving to hear for the longest time, brought tears to your eyes. You blinked furiously to get rid of them and quickly diverted your gaze, hopefully blocking the Swiss woman from seeing your watery eyes. Of course you had no such luck.

Ana closed the last few centimeters of distance between you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Still, you didn’t turn to meet her eyes. You were fine. The transfer didn’t bother you. At least not enough to cry about it to the Swiss woman.

“Maybe tonight we can just be sad together? I think we both need that,” Ana suggested, her voice quivering.

This made you look up. When you saw that the blonde’s own eyes were also filled with tears your resolve to be strong crumbled. If Ana needed this than you would give it to her. And if it just so happened to align with what you longed for as well that was just a lucky coincidence.

“Okay,” you mumbled and that was all Ana needed. She drew you against her, practically pulling you into her lap.

You held out a second longer but when you felt Ana’s body shaking from her sobs and heard her crying, you didn’t bother to hold yourself back any longer, letting your own tears fall.

And that’s how you stayed for a long time, the two of you falling apart in each other’s arms. You didn’t really talk about anything that night, simply relocating to your bedroom and falling asleep in each other‘s arms once all the tears had been shed.

That was a first for the two of you. At every sleepover before you had kept a careful distance, both of you sleeping on their designated side of the bed, but that night nothing was keeping you apart.

[upon-a-starry-night]

Number Neighbors Pt.24

Natasha Romanoff x Fem! Reader

Natasha Masterlist Series Masterlist

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary:  When you catch sight of the newest trend going around you know you’re all but bound to at least try it, it was harmless anyway. What could possibly stem from something so little?

----

You were more than Nat could have ever imagined. Her conversation with you had been on loop in her mind for the past few days. The sound of your laughter filled her with so much warmth it was overwhelming. The way you talked about her like she’d hung the moon in the sky made her want to cry. Nobody had ever talked about her like that. 

And the way you looked at her God- your eyes. She had a scary feeling she would do anything you asked of her if you kept looking at her like that.

She’d wanted to tell you then and there who she was so she could confess how she felt. But the prospect was terrifying and when your friend called it felt like the moment had come and gone. When she’d finally regained the confidence to tell you, her eyes drifted to your shoulder and it got her thinking about what your life would be like if you were with her.

You would be in danger if anyone ever found out about you. She’d never let it happen, no one would ever get close enough to hurt you but- could you forgive her for what she would do to them if they tried? Would you be mad at her for not telling you who she was sooner? You called her incredible. Even with all the red in her ledger you looked at her like a saint. You and your words were magnetic.

It was scary how much she missed your presence now that she’d met you. Suddenly she understood why Clint was always so eager to fly home.

Walking to the kitchen, she pulls out her phone as soon as it buzzes, expecting it to be you. Instead she’s met with the Avengers group chat.

        Idiots❤:

MetalHead(Tony):

As soon as I get back from this

press conference in Paris we’re having

a meeting

Old Ice Cube(Steve):

Again Stark?

Science Nerd(Bruce):

Is this about the new compound or

that Government thing?

MetalHead:

The government thingy

…

Actually both.

Spy-der (Nat):

Again? Tony, We’ve already talked about this…

Clinton:

You should drop it Stark.

I don’t want this to end in a fight.

Old Ice Cube:

Bucky and I are firmly against it.

Jacket Stealer(Wanda):

You already know what the 

Government thinks of me.

MetalHead:

We’ll talk when I get back.

Toodles!

Nat rolls her eyes but can’t help the uneasy feeling about the situation. Tony needed to stop pushing such a big decision on everyone before her family gets broken apart…again.

~~~~~~

That party was one of the best decisions of your entire life. You’d gained three new friends and an unforgettable conversation with your hero. It was safe to say the entire week after the party you were in good spirits and nobody could make that stop. Your cheeks hurt from how much you’d been smiling as of late.

You can tell Nat’s been wanting to call you all week but if you’re honest you get too flustered everytime you even think of her voice. And you have a weird feeling that nags at the back of your mind everytime you think of it, like your brain is screaming at you but you don’t know why.

Not to mention you’re not prepared for another rejection of a meet-up. Calling is one thing but meeting in person is… even you don’t know if you’re ready for that. What if you weren’t what she imagined? What if she didn’t feel the same way you did? What if she sees you waiting for her and turns around and blocks your number and you’ll never know why? 

You’d been on a sort of high after meeting Natasha Romanoff and you’re scared of ruining it. Although you’re sure Nat would never intentionally hurt you. Your own fears are stronger than your desires so you stick to texting her and Nat seems to be respecting that.

Today though, you think you might have gained the courage to finally accept her call if she asks. You'll just have to avoid the topic of meeting to spare any awkwardness or aching in your heart. Plopping down on your couch and opening up your phone, you resume your active conversation with Nat with a confident smile.

          Nat🔪: 

Y/n🍦:

I smacked directly into the pole Nat!

It was so embarrassing!

Nat🔪:

I hope you know I’m laughing

Y/n🍦:

I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Nat🔪:

It’s New York Y/n, I promise no one

cares that much

Y/n🍦:

Tell that to the group of teenagers

Filming across the street

Nat🔪:

Wait one second-

Y/n🍦:

What are you doing?

Nat🔪:

I’m trying to find that video 

Y/n🍦:

Don’t you fucking dare!

I’ll strangle you through the screen!

Nat🔪:

Or you could just strangle me in real life?

You nearly choke. Your body split between blushing because of the implication and freaking out at the proposition. 

Y/n🍦:

Haha. very funny

Nat🔪:

Y/n.

Let’s meet.

Your heart leaps to your throat and you choke on it. At least that’s what it feels like. She wanted to meet you. You get up from your couch and pour yourself a glass of water, taking note of the way your hand shakes as you drink. Why wasn’t this cooling the heat that felt like it was suffocating you? Surely your mind was playing tricks on you, she was seriously offering to meet? 

Y/n🍦:

Wait wait-

Don’t get my hopes up.

Are you joking?

Nat🔪:

I wouldn’t dream of it

Y/n🍦:

If this is a trick I’ll cry

Nat🔪:

I’d never forgive myself if 

I was the cause of your tears

After all this time you’d practically lost all hope that you’d ever meet Nat in person, the last thing you expected was for her to be the one to suggest it. You almost want to laugh. Leave it to Nat to constantly subvert your expectations. You wondered what changed her mind.

Y/n🍦: 

Okay.

Nat🔪:

Okay?

Y/n🍦:

Yes. Let’s do it.

When are you free?

Nat🔪:

I have a meeting on Thursday so

Friday?

Does that work for you?

Y/n🍦:

Friday, yep, yes I am free.

You leave out the fact that you would cancel all plans and call out sick to work if you had to.

Nat🔪: 

That cute Plant Cafe on 6th at 4pm work for you?

You had no idea what cafe she was talking about but you would figure it out. If you were laying in bed yo figured you’d be kicking your feet and giggling like a schoolgirl.

Y/n🍦:

Sounds Perfect.

This was really happening. You were going to meet.

~~~~~

The two of you text throughout the rest of the week like normal but there’s something different about it. The energy is charged with something, something that fills your stomach with a dizzying heat. You were going to meet Nat. You have to scroll up and reread the messages every few hours just to make sure you aren’t hallucinating. 

Even your coworker seems to have noticed the shift in your mood and she asked if it was because of your girlfriend you just grinned even wider and shook your head. You couldn’t hide your blushing however, and at lunch, you were forced to admit that you might have a ‘sort of date’ to which your friend squealed and invited herself over to help you plan an outfit.

It was Wednesday now which meant you were two days away from meeting Nat and you were bursting with anticipation. Your friend laughs at your antics as she pours you a glass of wine which you gladly accept. The two of you sat down on your couch, a cheesy romcom playing in the background as you chatted about what’s been happening in your lives these past few months.

You’re enjoying getting to know her and exchanging embarrassing stories when she stops to observe you, a genuine smile on her face

“What?” You ask, you’ve not known her long but she already looks at you like you’ve known each other for years.

She shakes her head “I’m just happy for you Y/n.” When you don’t speak she continues “ You’re the happiest I've ever seen you lately. At first, I thought it had something to do with that boy that picked you up sometimes but now I see it’s something else”

You blush, you didn’t know you’d been so transparent before about how mundane your life would feel but apparently you’d been detached enough for people to notice. For a while, you’d forgotten that life didn’t have to be perfect to be happy. You didn’t have to be doing big successful things to say that you were living a meaningful life. Your life was meaningful from the moment you were born. You don’t know why it took so long and so many people helping you to finally realize it but you were glad you were finally here. And you were grateful.

Grateful for your mother for never being disappointed in you, your therapist for not giving up on you, Nat for making you want to try new things, Leon for helping you go to more places, and now grateful to your coworker turned best friend for helping you meet new people (and your hero).

Now thanks to everyone you’ve met you could be grateful for yourself. God you did NoT need to cry right now but your face was already getting warm with emotion. 

“I have been happy. I’ve been so happy it’s crazy. I didn’t know if I was ever going to get myself back out there after-” You hiccup and your friend rubs your shoulder reassuringly, nodding in understanding. 

“I know I haven’t known you long but I’m proud of you, Y/n” Her words make the tears you were trying so hard to hold back burst out and she quickly pulls you into a hug, caressing your back. The two of you stay that way for a while, a million things being said in the silence. After a while you pull back and wipe your eyes, a wet laugh escaping. 

“Alright alright, enough of this. Let’s go pick my outfit for my date.” Your friend laughs with you and clinks her wine glass against yours, following you to your bedroom closet.

~~~~

Thursday rolls around and you’re torn between excitement and nerves. Your stomach rolls every time you think about tomorrow and every time the clock ticks by another hour. Your friend had helped you pick a cute but casual outfit and gave you a pep talk about how hot you were and how lucky Nat was to get to meet you. 

The thought of her has you texting her early that morning, eager to see if she’s as nervous as you.

       Nat🔪:

Y/n🍦:

Good luck with your meeting!

She doesn’t respond immediately and you figure she’s already in her meeting so you go about your morning getting ready for work and texting your mother to reassure her that you were, in fact, still alive since she checked in yesterday.

You make quick work of a small breakfast and you’re out of the door and on the subway before you know it. When there’s still no message from Nat you scroll idly through Instagram until you arrive at your stop.

Work is as it always is, it’s made a little less hard these days because of your friends' presence but before you know it your lunch break is rolling around, and when you open your phone between bites of food your brows furrow in confusion. Your little message bubble is still the last thing on the screen but right underneath it are four little gray letters ‘seen’.

If it were anyone else you wouldn’t have been worried, but Nat hadn’t left you on seen for months since the two of you became closer. And considering how important tomorrow was for you it put you more than a little on edge. 

You try to shake your head, maybe you were being irrational? She could be busy or just left her phone open somewhere. Not everything is as big of a deal as you make it out to be but… there’s anxiety forming in the pit of your stomach.

Your phone alarm goes off signaling the end of your lunch break and you go back to work with a new unease in your gut. You’d wait until the end of the day to really start worrying. Nat would bail on you, would she? Both of you wanted this…right? Have you been reading things wrong?

Your coworker notices your discomfort and asks if you're okay but you just shake your head with a smile. It could be nothing.

 It was probably nothing.

Please let it be nothing.

~~~~~

When you finally make it home after a long anxiety-filled day your heart leaps in hopeful anticipation when you see Nat’s name pop up on your home screen, only for it to sink to the bottom of your stomach when you read her only message

Nat🔪:

I’m sorry.

Pt.25

A/n: Pls don’t hate me- I promise this hurt me to write as much as it hurt you to read ~Starry

---Taglist--

@marvelwomen-simp @cd-4848 @wandanatlov3r @rebeltombraider @ctrlamira @fxckmiup @aliherreraaa @natsxwife @la-douler-ne-finite-jamais @romanoffsgal @moistblobfish @natashaswife4125 @elenimoris @how-to-disappearrr @screechcat @toouncreativeforausername @ordelixx @autorasexy @blacklightsposts @vmpnano @jono723 @sylencr @saraaahsstuff @autorasexy @gay4hotmilfs @tofu9162 @dyslexic-dreamer @graniairish @colettehope @kosmichs1 @nmhlver @natblidaclexa @skittlebum @dorabledewdroop @nothanksbye07 @mrsrushman

[infiniteko]

Hello Ko! I'm so glad you joined Tumblr, I think out of everyone I know and follow, you are the most trustworthy person to get information from. You truly know what you're talking about and you're very very helpful to us with questions. ❤️ I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible because I don't want to make you read a long, rant-ish question. Basically, I really really need some guidance/advice. Like I need some serioussss help..

For about 6 years, I've been "trying" to manifest, reality shift etc. I was focused on desires and getting. I was focused on doing methods to get things and "trying" things. would look all the time for information and "how to's" because I just wanted to shift realities so badly so I could experience all of the crazy things I would imagine. Nothing ever worked for me, not once in those 6 years. I eventually started to panic and think I was wasting years of my life on stuff that wasn't real (yet I'd still hope and try anyway) however I found non-dualism. Like I said, I was VERY focused on desires and getting, so as much as I told myself that I understand non-dualism, deep down I was still attached to ego and understood nothing. I viewed nondualism as a method. I still wanted desires deep down, even if I tried to say "No I want to be free!". I've now come to accept that if I truly want to be free, I need to genuinely STOP seeking desires and things of the ego. I need to accept that if I'm gonna be stuck on desiring, then ND isn't for me. So with that said, I told myself I'd follow non dualism properly and I wouldn't use it as a manifestation or shifting method.

This is the part where I ask for advice. When you're someone who has been stuck up on wanting to shift realities and get things so badly, for SO long, it's hard to let it all go suddenly. I don't know how to drop these thoughts that I get. I feel delusional and depressed because I hate this "life". I remind myself that it isn't real but then I feel insane and I tell myself I need to accept reality and stop hoping for miracles. I no longer wish to fulfill desires or use methods, I want to be free from feeling like this, I want to genuinely not live as if I'm ego anymore but it feels like my thoughts never stop. In the back of my mind, I always think "but I just wanna shift" "I'm delusional" "I am this body/mind"

Ko, I need any kind of guidance. Is there some materials I should read? I'll honestly read whatever books necessary. I don't know what to do 😅 I want to have the same understanding you do. I go to sleep every night thinking "maybe I can wake up in a new reality" and it completely defeats the purpose of me having no duality. I'm always hoping and trying, even when I don't want to "hope" or "try". I get so confused so easily and I think about going back to manifestation, but it never worked and I got depressed because of it. I want to free myself from these ego emotions, free from thinking I need this or that, free from having duality. I want to TRULY understand nondualism and live that way. Forgive me if this is long! I didn't intend to trauma dump or vent in your ask box, like I said before you're just one of the people I trust most. You're very knowledgeable on nondualism and I appreciate your posts very very much 🤍

First step, understand that Non dualism is ONLY(!!!!!!!!!!) a POINTER to what 'you' are. Being fixiated on 'trying to understand ND' is a trap you shouldn't fall into. I used it as a pointer(!) i do not "practise" any concepts.

I cannot stress enough how it is ONLY A POINTER, NOT THE "SOLUTION" NOR "ABSOLUTE TRUTH". "THAT" which you fundamentally are, IS Absolute.

Who has been "trying" all this time? -> The 'person' you THINK you are.

Who "wants" to understand? -> The 'person' you THINK you are

Use it as a pointer and then drop it.

I'm so serious, NEVER see it as the solution, it is a trap to do so. It will help as a start but go BEYOND that. It is nothing but another concept TO HELP.

A lot of you speak about the "ego" like it is some separate entity causing confusion and suffering but it is not. It is ONLY(!!!!!) who you THINK(!!!!) you are. If you stopped thinking about it, could you tell me who you seemingly are?

There are no books needed to """understand""" the basics of this concept, even if you read it, to drop it and be beyond such illusory concepts, is something that is done with or without books.

What you are can NEVER be defined. "THAT" has no name, no label, no characteristics. Nothingness. Yet it seems(!!!!!!) to contain "everything".. but "everything" = "nothingness".

By repeatedly returning to "Nothingness", it becomes clear that you never actually left that "Nothingness" and that it is everywhere.

Drop every label and concept. Everything you SEEM to know. What are you left with?

-> " "

If 'you' want to, you can listen to "YourHigherSelf" on YouTube or the shorter videos of Swami Sarvapriyananda on YouTube.

But again, seeking continously for the Absolute, is a funny game and an even funnier trap. Have enough discipline to not do that and simply BE.

[thejournallo]

Explain the basic: Energy manipulation

Disclaimer: in this chapter you are going to learn the physical and spiritual meaning of energy! Everything I will talk about is information that I got from books and sites online and even videos on YouTube. In my years of practice, I learned as much as I could out of curiosity and what works best for me. I suggest you do the same by learning as much as you can on your own (I will be here making posts teaching this kind of stuff) from multiple sources.

tags: @koda-manifesting

As always, I will love to hear your thoughts! and if you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them! If you liked it, leave a comment or reblog (that is always appreciated!). if you are intrested in more method check the masterlist!

When it comes to energy manipulation, we have to remember the 12 laws of the universe!  According to these laws, we are all connected; everyone vibrates at different rates, and energy is always changing! We can use the knowledge that those laws gave us to manipulate the energy that is around us in different aspects. Before we start to talk about what energy manipulation is, let's learn what energy is, even in a more scientific aspect.

witchcraft: 

"Energy" is often referred to as the life force or spiritual power that flows through all living things and the universe itself. People who practice witchcraft often work with this energy to bring about desired changes in their lives or the world around them. This energy is believed to be manipulable through various practices such as rituals, spells, meditation, and visualization.of course Different traditions and practitioners may have their own specific beliefs and terminology surrounding energy, but it is generally understood to be a fundamental aspect of the spiritual and metaphysical realms of witchcraft.

manipulating energy: 

More often than not, we manipulate this energy, which can happen on a daily basis without our knowledge. In a more visual explanation, we are surrounded by a bubble. Bubble = spiritual energy. When we go out and do our daily things and have our daily experiences, we give some piece of bubble. Energy manipulation is understood if we are using our bubble, understood when we have to use it and use it to our own advantage. for example, "If I feel this kind of bad feeling from a person, I will use a piece of my bubble to protect myself." I used my spiritual energy to protect myself from negativity.

science:

Energy is defined as the capacity to do work or produce heat. It exists in various forms such as kinetic energy (the energy of motion), potential energy (stored energy), thermal energy (the energy associated with temperature), chemical energy (energy stored in the bonds of chemical compounds), electromagnetic energy (energy carried by light and other electromagnetic waves), and many others.

The law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be transformed from one form to another. This means that the total energy within a closed system remains constant over time, even as it may change from one form to another.

Energy plays a fundamental role in all physical processes and is a central concept in fields such as physics, chemistry, and engineering. It's a crucial aspect of understanding the behavior of matter and the interactions between different systems in the universe.

Why am I talking about physical energy?

because we can use physical energy to practice witchcraft. Let me give you another visual example.  We are going on a walk to feel relaxed and release some tense energy. We are using kinetic energy to protect our peace.  It is all in the intention and the mindset when you use this kind of physical manipulation; even lighting a candle before a spell means using thermal energy to protect the space. (I'm saying protection as an example.) You can do pretty much anything; a walk can equal aboundance if that's what you want.

NSFW TALK AHEAD (MINOR DO NOT INTERACT)

It is a bit uncomfortable for me to talk about this, but it has to be said. Carnal acts like sex or masturbation can also be used to manipulate energy, and it is a whole practice in itself called red magic, where you use the build-up energy of the orgasm and the peak release to put your intention in the world. The tricky part is to actually concentrate on your intention until you release it. 

[novafire-is-thinking]

“We want to be on your side.”

This scene is meant to be funny, but I see something more that provides insight into Prowl’s character.

The Constructicons Know

There are two things that stand out to me: Hook’s choice of words, and the nature of Prowl’s reaction.

Seeing as “your side” can easily be misunderstood as referring to the Autobot side, Hook could have said something more obvious, like, “Hey. We want to hang with you, Prowl.”

But Hook didn’t do that. He chose the phrase, “We want to be on your side.”

Why?

Well, Hook and the rest of the Constructicons were inside Prowl’s head as much as he was in theirs. They didn’t just know his thoughts. They had access to Prowl’s deepest desires.

And what was it that Prowl said to Arcee in Issue #1?

“I learned that nobody is on my side.”

Yes, Prowl wants peace. He wants order.

But just as much, he wants to know that someone will have his back—that there will be someone competent to fall back on when the world is going up in flames.

In spite of all his scheming and pushing people away, Prowl desperately wants to know that there is someone he can trust to do what needs to be done to work toward his ideal: Lasting peace.

When the Constructicons were in his head, they saw that. These five “vile” Decepticons understood Prowl better than any Autobot ever did.

And that scares the hell out of Prowl.

How NOT to accept a compliment

He knows the implications of what the Constructicons are saying. They’re basically telling him that they want what he wants. They’re also telling him, “We’ve seen what others consider to be the worst of you, and we think you’re awesome—not in spite of it, but BECAUSE of it.”

These Decepticons want to help him bring about his ideal, and this goes against all the preconceived ideas Prowl has about Decepticons.

But notice how Prowl stops himself from telling them that their admiration is crazy. It’s obvious that the Constructicons are more likely to listen to Prowl than anyone else, so why tell ‘Bee to answer for him?

Personally, I think he’s torn between agreeing with the Constructicons and telling them to get lost. Prowl wholeheartedly believes the way he thinks is great, but if he tells that to them in this moment, that would mean he’s allowing them into his life in some way, which he doesn’t want.

However, there’s a part of him that can’t tell the Constructicons their admiration is crazy, because this is all he’s ever wanted—to know that someone sees things his way and is willing to go along with his methods.

So, while he’s trying to sort out all the conflicting information and feelings, Prowl outsources the question to someone who does think his way of doing things can be…problematic at times. This way, he’s not technically saying no to something he’s always wanted, and he’s avoiding encouraging the Constructicons.

It’s the only way he knows how to override his internal conflict.

[wonton4rang]

goodnight and go ¡!

pairing: bnd x reader.

warnings: cursing, yelling, some mentions of sexual relationships, mentions of cheating, overall some couple's arguments.

summary: how would bnd argue with you + what i think would be their triggers. (things they would do that would cause the argument)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sungho; i don't see him as a person who would get into an argument often, tbh you guys could date for over 4 years and argue twice in that period, but when you did?? awful. i know that sungho is a virgo men and he's very mature and he is always looking for the best for everyone but when you guys argue about something he thinks (or knows) he's right about, he wouldn't shut up, because he's right and how dare u say otherwise? eventually it would turn into an "i told you so" type of argument and you both would just get out of each others sight for a few hours, maybe sleeping or just doing stuff around the house without interchanging a word. that until you both let down your ego (if you have any) and talk things out more calmly.

riwoo; he is the type of person to just nod and nod and nod again to anything you say, he might be right but he ain't going against you. he tries to be the bigger person but ends up feeling wronged and you can see him zoned out even days after the disagreement. "you know this is all your fault, right?" and he will say yes, that until you try to put the blame on him for EVERYTHING, he may have some of it but all of it??? that's when he snaps "you can't be like this, you are not being reasonable" unfortunately that leads to a bigger fight. it's not that y'all don't resolve things but it usually just gets forgotten and eventually you don't remember and never apologize for it.

jaehyun; bro is crying after the first scream. myungjae is a very sensitive person but i don't think he would like to openly cry, and if he does, it's not out of sadness or fear, he would get overwhelmed and very angry because he feels like you are not listening and you are just saying wrong things to him and making him the bad guy when he didn't even knew what was going on this time. firstly he'll definitely try to talk things out quietly, appealing to your soft side and trying to hug it out for an instance but it always goes wrong and y'all end up screaming at each other just for him to get all pouty and win your forgiveness and your apologies too.

taesan; arguing with taesan was not a thing, you guys just talked things out when you didn't like something and that was it, it never happened again. but when you see him kissing some girl outside the club you both were at you went crazy, slamming doors when you got home with him following closely and trying to make you listen. "you fucking cheated, what else do I need to know?" he would try to explain you that she approached him and kissed him out of the blue but he pulled out right away (which was true) but you didn't listen and it eventually made him get even more angry, his cold wall finally falling down when he said "what the fuck is wrong with you? you think I'll cheat on you? that's who you think i am?" and the way his words sounded to you just made it worst. like he was putting the blame on you. but overall, it doesn't matter how bad the argument is, you ain't going to sleep without working it out, he won't let you.

leehan; the worst part of arguing with leehan is his lack of response. it pissed you off that you went all out on him about the fact that you guys haven't got any intimacy of any kind in a while and that when you both actually had the time and the desire to do so, he ditched you for his friends. you explained how you understood that he needed to see his friends, but always? every time he's free? what about you? what about your relationship? leehan had a girlfriend to take care of too, not just his friends. so when you said all this to him and he just looked at you with those sleepy eyes and nodded without saying much, you got angrier. not because he was not yelling back at you but because you've got this conversation at least five times before, always getting the same reaction and always getting the same results. until one day y'all finally work it out and make a balance, it was that or breaking up so leehan finally listened.

woonhak; arguing with woonhak is literally a mess. you guys scream, put the blame on each other, say things you could (and will) regret later, even mention stuff from the past just to make a valid point. you would go to bed angry because none of you would say "sorry" or at least try to work things out, the silent treatment was something very common between you two since neither you or woonhak would give in. eventually he'd talk to his hyungs when he feels like this time it's been too long and you guys haven't make up yet, he takes the advise and approaches you with his head low, like a puppy with his tail between his legs, shy and with so much remorse you just talk things out and call it a day.