#as if they had a lot of the plot already written and then someone noticed that this here this will raise questions

[eternalbuckley]

Together. — aemond targaryen

SUMMARY: Aemond and you still love each other even if you weren't together anymore. So what happens if you're hanging out with your shared group friends and he invites you to a drink in his apartment? You might end up tangled with each other in his bed and talk about your feelings the next morning.

word count: 5,658

genre: slight angst with fluff, smut with plot | afab!reader, queer!reader, bipoc!reader and plus-size!reader friendly

warnings/tropes: modern au, 18+ MDNI!! NSFW (this part is divided with dividers so you can skip the actual smut part if you want), p in v sex, no use of protection (wrap it up folks thanks), cunnilingus, creampie (again, use protection), descriptions of alcohol use, mention of tipsy reader and aemond, slight cursing, use of they pronoun once, english is not my first language, slightly proofread — if I forgot something, please let me know!

a/n: it's my first time writing p in v smut, so please bear with me, i'm still trying to figure it out! this entire fanfic turned out to be the longest piece i've ever written lmao.i hope you'll enjoy it <3 reblogs, likes and comments are appreciated and highly welcomed!

disclaimer: please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work or post this anywhere without my consent. do not translate my work and post it anywhere — i give you no permission to do that. i only post my stories here, so if you find my work anywhere else please let me know!

18+ MDNI divider by cafekitsune

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The breakup between Aemond and you was mutually decided. Both of you were quite busy with your jobs and barely had time for each other anymore, which ended in a lot of arguments. Many of them were based on miscommunication or if anyone of you felt like the other one wasn’t giving them enough attention and love. This was the reason why you both mutually decided to break up after you’ve been together for a few years, both of you thinking it was the best decision during this time.

You still loved and cared for each other, but it wasn’t the right time to be with each other, as each one of you had a stressful period of your life, and the constant arguments outweighed most of the soft moments between you. You tried to be each other’s support, but it ended up in the opposite way during this time. It was clear, to everyone who knew you, that you two were still longing for each other over the months since you broke up. You tried dating other people in hopes you could fill the void that has been there ever since you parted ways, but it didn’t work out for either of you.

Aemond and you shared the same group of friends, or at least shared a few friends that hang out together every two to three weeks. Two times you and Aemond invited the people you were seeing to hang out with your friends. Meaning you and him would see each other as well. This didn’t work out quite well because the people you were seeing noticed how you and Aemond constantly looked in each other’s direction. They quickly realized that neither Aemond nor you stopped loving one another or knew that you still had some sort of feelings for the other one, even if you both tried to ignore or deny it, you knew the truth.

Your friends noticed this longing dynamic between you two ever since you told them that you decided to part ways for now. No one could say that they didn’t see the longing stares both of you had whenever the other one wasn’t looking, or the gentle touches you had on each other from time to time that were just lingering quite too long for friends.

Many times, Aemond would ask his sister, Helaena, who was one of your closest friends, if you had already found someone else or how you were doing. Especially if he noticed that you seemed off one day you and your friends hung out, he’d immediately try to find a moment to get to text or talk to Helaena alone and ask her about it. If she was able to tell him something, she would give him a few details. And you would do the same if you noticed something different about him and asked Helaena most of the time. Sometimes you would go to Aegon, in hopes that he hopefully might know something. It would depend on the situation. It was hard to ignore or deny that you two still deeply cared about each other.

Both of you were currently hanging out with your friends again, sitting next to Helaena and having your legs over hers as you laughed with her. Watching the boys as they turned on the fire of the campfire. Aemond sat opposite from you and Helaena and tried not to look over at you too much and to focus more on the conversation he had with one of your friends. It was a cozy and quiet night; everyone was having a good time. Helaena excused herself for a moment to get herself another drink as you took a swig from your own bottle. You noticed how she slightly nodded in Aemond’s direction as she went back into the kitchen of the house. A few seconds later, you saw how he slowly walked over to you.

“Can I sit down?” He asked with a soft tone in his voice and motioned to the seat next to you. You looked up to him and nodded, slightly scooting to the side to make more room for him to sit down. Your arms brushed against one another as he sat down next to you, sending a slight shiver down your spine, but you tried to play it down and didn’t pay attention to it.

You took another swig from your bottle, even if it was almost empty. You could have gotten up to get another bottle, but you didn’t want to ruin the moment with Aemond. You haven’t really had any conversations with him in the past few weeks, only having your eyes on each other. It was quite a comfortable atmosphere between you, as you watched the fire and listened to its crackles, but he had his eyes on you, admiring you as the fire cast a beautiful light on your face. He reached out and removed something from your hair, causing you to look at him for a moment, slightly confused. But in the short moment his fingers brushed over your hair sent a warmth through your body.

“It was just a tiny bug,” he tried to keep his voice low. Your lips turned into a small smile, “Thank you.”

Neither of you really knew what to say, you wanted to have a conversation with him, but you didn’t quite know what you could talk about. You could have asked him about his life, what he was up to at the moment, but you weren’t sure if he was even ready to talk about it.

As you wanted to ask something he got pulled away by Aegon. “Sorry, my lady,” he had his hands on Aemond’s shoulders and grinned, “I need my brother for a moment! He will be back at your service in a moment,” he giggled, clearly drunk as he dragged Aemond away.

You sighed with a smile on your lips and didn’t stop him, sometimes it was hilarious when Aegon was drunk. Occasionally, you wished things were different, but it was what you and Aemond had decided, so you must stick with it. You slowly nodded to yourself and got into the house to get another bottle, joining Helaena and completely missing the way Aemond longingly looked over to you as his brother talked his ear off.

A few hours later, you were talking with Helaena again, sitting together with Aemond on a bench in front of the campfire. He sat next to you, and you felt the warmth of the flames and his body, it was a pleasant feeling that filled you. His arm was resting behind you on the backrest of the bench you were sitting on. Helaena left you and Aemond alone for a moment after she had finished her story.

When she left, he slightly leaned into you and whispered into your ear, his voice casual. “Would you mind joining me for a drink back in my apartment?” He was nervous about how you would react. He already expected that you would refuse him, but he raised his eyebrows for a short moment as you accepted his invitation. Aemond cleared his throat and nodded, happy that you said yes.

A few minutes later you and him said your goodbyes to your friends. Helaena had a smirk on her lips as she hugged you. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do with my partner, babe,” she teased you and whispered into your ear.

He was slightly nervous as he led you to his car and opened the passenger side for you. You occasionally looked at each other during the drive to his apartment but didn’t really talk with each other, perhaps both of you were too nervous?

One drink turned into two, and two into three. Both of you were slightly tipsy by now and were talking with each other as if nothing had ever happened. You sat next to each other on his couch, and he had one arm on the backrest, resting behind your head. Your legs were slightly bent in his direction. You noticed the way he looked down at them sometimes, and you wished he’d just grab them, but both of you knew that neither of you would dare to cross the line without completely knowing if the other one wanted it too. But you both wanted it deeply. The conversation died down between you a few minutes ago, you’ve just looked at each other. The air had already been thick before, but it was getting worse in that very moment. You found yourself looking down on his lips, and he did too. Both of you leaned into each other but stopped when you were only a few movements away from each other’s faces. Should you really give in to what you’ve wanted ever since you broke up all these months ago or not?

You felt his breath on your face and just wanted to give in, you wanted to feel his lips on yours so badly. You could swear you stopped breathing when he carefully brushed your hair out of your face and cupped your cheek, you leaned into his touch and held his gaze.

“Aemond…” You dared to break the silence with a shaky whisper. You craved his touch, as much as he craved yours. Your lips were parted as your gaze went down to his lips.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t want it,” he looked up from your lips into your eyes to find any hesitance, but he saw the way your pupils dilated as he held your gaze again. “I don’t want you to stop,” you whispered eagerly and hummed as he immediately captured your lips in a passionate and desperate kiss. Both of your tensed shoulders relaxed eventually,

His hand still cupped your cheek, stroking it with his thumb, your hand found his cheeks immediately and pulled him into you, while his other arm, which was resting on the backrest of his couch, wrapped around your waist to pull you into his lap. You straddled him and deepened the kiss as both of you opened your mouth to feel each other’s tongue, completely losing yourselves in the kiss. It’s what you’ve both been craving, and neither of you wanted to stop the moment. You didn’t want to think of the possible outcome or how it would change the current dynamic between you two, maybe you would find your way back to each other or it wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe it would just stay at making out with each other, but both of you wanted and needed more.

He missed to feel your skin against his, the way your curves felt when he traced them. The way you’d always react to his touch, arching your back whenever his hand found its way between your thighs. The way you always reacted to his kisses, whether it was a more heated or soft and slow kiss. You loved each of them, and so did he. Aemond loved the way your hands felt on his skin, the way you’d always end up tracing his arms, hands or face whenever you cuddled or were next to each other. He appreciated and missed these moments with you. It may only have been a few months since you two broke up, but the more intimate moments between you had been missing way before you eventually parted ways.

Both of you slowly pulled away from each other, faces still close as you spoke against his lips. “Are you sure we should be doing this?” You whispered, your voice slightly raspy from the lack of air in your lungs. Both of his hands had found their way to your hips and gently circled his fingers on your clothed skin, squeezing your skin.

He nodded. “I… I just need you, darling. I’m sure,” his voice was low and raspy as well. His good eye filled with desire as you looked at him and kissed him again. “Me too,” you whispered between kisses.

Aemond lifted you by gripping down on your thighs and placed you underneath him on the couch. He pulled away from you with a cheeky smile and kneeled in front of you as he pulled you on the edge of his couch. His hands roamed over your thighs to the button of your pants. Aemond looked up to you, slightly asking if he could continue. You nodded and didn’t break eye contact with him as he slowly opened the button of your pants and motioned for you to lift your hips so he could pull off your pants. His gaze never left yours, and he noticed the way you had your lower lip between your teeth as you lifted your hips eagerly, knowing what would follow. His fingers gently traced over your now exposed skin. His lips found the skin of your hip bone, which was still covered only seconds ago. His eye closed for a moment to capture this moment in his mind.

He pressed open kisses on your covered and uncovered skin, “I missed this so much,” he mumbled as he firmly but also gently gripped down your thighs while looking up at you again, silently asking if he could part your legs. You slightly sat up and parted them, causing him to smirk and move between them. His hands brushed over the flesh of your thighs and caressed them as he slowly moved them up to brush over your panties. Your breath hitched as he brushed over your still-clothed heat.

“Please, Aemond,” you whimpered as he teased your clothed clit with his finger while a smirk was on his lips. You hated how desperate you were for him, but you finally needed to feel him again. In every way you could have him. “Don’t tease me now.”

“Very well,” he hooked his fingers with the fabric of your panties on your hips and slowly pulled them down. You lifted your hips again, so it was easier for him to take your panties off.

A soft hum left his lips as soon as he tossed your panties away and saw your already glistening heat. He leaned down and pressed more kisses on the area of your heat, but not where you needed him. It frustrated you, and that made him chuckle. He always used to love to tease you, but he knew it wasn’t the perfect time for that right now, as it only tortured him as well. He couldn’t wait any longer and just wanted to get his mouth on you, his growing bulge in his pants could wait for a few moments. He wanted to give you the pleasure first. A moan left your lips as soon as he pressed his lips on your clit and made eye contact with you again. Aemond took a long drag through your slit with his tongue, your mouth stayed slightly open. He groaned into you as you grabbed one of his hands that were still on your thighs and held on to him as he devoured your cunt. He missed those pretty sounds that left your lips, especially how you tasted. For a short moment his mind went completely blank.

He started sucking on your clit and licked through your folds, causing you to tighten your grip on his hand, nails digging into his skin and your moans to get louder. He flicked his tongue in long and slower licks and changed the technique every so often to a faster and shorter pace. Completely devouring everything he could get from you. You didn’t even think about keeping it quiet, as it was overwhelming to feel his tongue on you. All the build-up tension over the past months is finally being relieved. Who would be better than him? No one.

You felt the all too well-known knot in your stomach, signalling that you were close to your climax. Aemond knew you were close as he noticed the way your panting increased, and your head fell back against the backrest of his couch. You cried out for more and wrapped one of your legs over his shoulder, which caused him to moan into you.

“Fuck– Aemond, I’m close! I…” Your grip on his hand tightened even more, if that was even possible, your back arched, and eyes closed as you focused on the building pleasure in your stomach.

“Don’t hold yourself back, darling. Come all over my face,” he panted against your cunt and got his mouth back on your swollen clit to sloppily circle his tongue around it, savouring each second while being between your thighs. Your mind turned blank as he continued to pleasure you, he still knew how to take care of you perfectly.

A strangled moan left your lips as you came on his tongue a few moments later, your legs slightly shaking as he fucked you with his tongue through your orgasm. Aemond could swear he almost lost his mind as he heard your moan and tasted you on his tongue, his hips humping into his couch. A soft chuckle left your lips as you exhaled and looked down at him. He was still kneeling between your legs, and his chin was glistening with your arousal and some of his spit. After you gained some strength again, you leaned forward and kissed him while your hands were on his cheeks, moaning as you tasted yourself.

“You did so well for me,” he praised you with a whisper as he pulled away from the kiss. “Can I take you to my bed or do you–“

“Please,” you nodded eagerly with a hushed voice, “Please do, Aemond.”

He gently picked you up, his hands digging into the skin of your thighs and placed open kisses on your exposed neck as he carried you into his bedroom, kicking the door as you were inside to close it behind him. He carefully placed you on his bed and hovered over you as he continued to kiss your neck and jaw. Your hands found the hem of his shirt and pulled on it, he moved his head away from your neck so you could pull off his shirt. You tossed it somewhere into his room, not caring about where it landed and traced his chest tenderly. He captured your lips in a kiss, his hips slightly buckling against you as you wrapped your legs around his hips to pull him closer to you. You took off the rest of your clothes from each other in a few motions, leaving both of you naked as you straddled his lap. His hands roamed over your thighs, caressing them as you leaned down to leave kisses on his chest while feeling his length underneath you.

He sharply inhaled as you wrapped one hand around his aching cock and stroked him a few times which already left him gripping down on your thighs, and he wasn’t even inside you yet. You smirked because of his reaction, you understood how he felt and eventually positioned his tip at your entrance and slowly sank down on his length, feeling how he stretched your walls. A low, needy moan escaped both of your lips, your hands on his chest, holding him down on his mattress, and his were holding you by your hips. You waited a few moments before you started to roll your hips, finding a pleasant rhythm for both of you. Aemond was completely at your mercy, it took him his entire strength not to come immediately. The sounds you made and how your hands roamed over his torso only added more levels to the pleasure he felt because of you. His body shivered, and his heartbeat increased. He felt you clenching around him and groaned with a hitched sound.

“Fuck you feel so good, darling,” he moaned. Your gazes met again, and you wished you could stay like this for eternity. His face was flushed, his back slightly arched, and his mouth agape as he didn’t hold back any sounds anymore.

This only reminded you of the beginning of your relationship, he barely voiced any hints of his pleasure and barely made any sounds whenever you slept with each other, but over the time, he let his walls down and started to be more vocal. This meant the time you were apart didn’t change that factor about him, and you loved it even more. You slightly leaned forward, feeling him deeper inside of you and grabbed his hands to intertwine your fingers, the slightly changed position adding more pleasure to both of you.

You continued to roll your hips and to hold eye contact with him, moaning his name repeatedly. After a while, you pulled him up against you, a soft gasp leaving your mouth as you captured his lips in a heated, passionate kiss, and he wrapped his arms around your waist. You wrapped your arms around his neck and stopped moving for a short moment, enjoying the close and intimate moment between you as you kissed each other. He lifted you from his cock in a quick movement, both of you whimpering at the loss of each other. He rolled on top of you and gently placed you underneath him, your legs on either side of his while he slowly slid into you again and captured your lips in a kiss again. A soft gasp left your lips, and he used the opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth. He held him up with one arm while the other held you by your hip and thrust into you with a steady, slow pace. He swallowed your moans as he continued kissing you. You gripped on his biceps, leaving crescent marks in his skin and had your eyes shut.

He fastened his pace as he felt you clenching around him.  “I can’t get enough of you, darling,” his voice hitched as his climax neared, “I don’t think I can go much longer.”

Skin slapping against each other, and moans filled the room. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck and placed sloppy kisses on there as his hips snapped against yours. You knew he was getting close to his climax as his movements were getting sloppier. He tried to hold on, wanting to get you close for a second time the night, but it only left him whimpering against your lips as he kissed them.

“You can come inside me, Aemond,” you panted, your eyelids half-lidded as you met his gaze. “Are… Are you sure?” His breath hitched in his throat. He groaned after you nodded and lifted his head, so he could look at you as he thrusts into you once more before you felt his seed filling you up, his cock twitching inside of you.

He had a satisfied expression and moved one hand between your bodies, his thumb rubbing on your clit to get you over the edge as well while he continued to thrust into you. A cry left your mouth, and you pulled his face close to yours.

“Come for me, angel,” he exhaled.

You clenched around him, which caused him to whimper from feeling slightly overstimulated as you came shortly after him all over his cock, your legs shaking and moaning. He continued to pound into you in a slow pace to help you ride out your climax. Both of you tried to catch your breaths from the pleasure you both just felt after months of not feeling it both of you fucked out. With a low whimper, he slowly pulled out of you, and collapsed on top of you, your arms wrapped around him. Both of your bodies were covered in sweat and were heated up, your chests heaving. His face was in the crook of your neck, your fingers gently tracing his back, which caused him to get goosebumps. He occasionally placed soft kisses on your neck while he gently traced the sides of your body. After a while, he got up and helped you to get up, holding you as your legs slightly gave up for a short moment.

“Do you want me to help you clean up?” Aemond asked, a tender tone in his voice, but you shook your head. “You can wait in your bed for me,” you smiled at him affectionally, which he happily returned. He was happy that you would be staying over the night. He gave you his shirt so you could go to the toilet after he made sure you were able to stand. When you came back, he already laid in his bed and waited for you to join him. He pulled the blanket over you and him.

Neither of you said anything and just enjoyed the moment while it lasted, even if it meant you wouldn’t speak about it the next morning and act like you just didn’t have your best sex in a long while. Both of you wrapped your arms around each other as you slowly drifted off to sleep. You and I finally had a good sleep after months again, laying arm in arm felt right. And it was right, was it?

A soft hum left your lips as you slowly woke up the next morning, feeling completely comfortable but slightly sore. Your eyes immediately opened and widened as you realized where you were and what you did last night with Aemond. Your back was turned towards him with his arm loosely over your waist. You let out a quiet sigh and slowly wiggled yourself out of his grip, trying not to wake him up. After you successfully got out of his bed without waking him up, you noticed that you were wearing his shirt. As you picked up your shirt, you quietly left his bedroom and got dressed after you picked up your panties and pants that were in his living room. You put his shirt on the backrest of his couch as memories from last night flooded your mind. The pleasure you felt, god it was so fucking good. You missed him and how well he always treated you and exactly knew how to get you over the edge quickly, but what if he regretted it? You didn’t want to face him or the situation, you were afraid of what could happen when he would wake up.

You deeply inhaled and made your way to the door to put your shoes back on, took your handbag and were ready to leave without saying goodbye. But you sighed as you grabbed the door handle.

What if this night was a sign for both of you? What if that was the sign that you were ready to be with each other again?

You cursed yourself, took off your shoes again and left your handbag on the floor next to them. You were willing to see what could and would happen as soon as he would wake up. You decided to wait until he did, waiting on his couch. Saying you weren’t nervous would be a lie. While you waited, you paced his living room a few times, thinking about what you could possibly say to him.

You nervously waited almost an hour until you heard noises from his bedroom. He woke up with a low groan and stretched his body, the events from last night filling his mind immediately. He sighed as he opened his eyes, rubbed his good eye and noticed that the side you slept on was already empty. He immediately sat up, and his eye roamed the room, he noticed that your shirt wasn’t on the floor anymore. ‘They already left…’ He thought and groaned as he cursed himself for having possibly ruined the only chance to get back together with you. He wanted to make things right and give you the love you deserved, not like this immediately.

What if the events of last night chased you away from him even further? What if there was no chance left anymore with you?

You fiddled with your fingers and immediately looked up from them as you saw him walking out of his bedroom. He yawned and rubbed his good eye again. Maybe he hasn’t noticed you yet? But as soon as his eye focused on you, he stopped in his tracks. “I… I thought you had already left.”

“I… Well, I was about to leave but…” You stood up from his couch, “But I don’t think this would have been my best option.”

 “Oh… I…” He slowly nodded, considering what to say, and walked into his kitchen, which was connected to his living room. You nervously fiddled with your fingers and followed his movements with your eyes but didn’t move the rest of your body. “I’m glad you didn’t leave,” he mumbled as he made himself a coffee, but you heard him, and a small smile formed on your lips.

“Do you want one as well?” He pointed to his coffee mug, but you shook your head and thanked him for the offer. He poured the coffee into his mug after it was done brewing and then walked up to you.

Both of you sat down next to each other, but there was a tiny distance between you. Neither of you said anything for a moment until he broke the tense silence between you. “Do you… Want to talk about last night?” He spoke softly, the nervousness in his voice was noticeable.

You nodded and turned your gaze in his direction, turning your body towards him, “I think we should.” Aemond inhaled and nodded as well, unsure what to say for a moment before he continued. “Do you regret it?”

“No,” you paused for a moment, “Not at all.” His shoulders relaxed immediately, “Neither do I.”

“Can I be honest with you?” You asked, a hint of nervousness in your voice again. After he nodded, you continued, “I… Uhm… I miss you. I miss us. I know we decided to part ways because of all the things that were going on back then but… I never stopped thinking about you or the time we shared. And last night… Maybe it was a sign? And maybe it was what we needed to realize that we’re ready to be with each other again.”

Aemond didn’t respond immediately, he was quite stunned, but he felt the same and agreed with you completely. He noticed how you continued to fiddle with your fingers and put down his coffee mug to gently lean to you and grab your hands to distract you. The contact calmed you down a little bit. You looked down at your hands as he brushed over the top of your hands with his thumbs. He still knew what calms you down, and you appreciated it a lot.

“I feel the same, darling,” he whispered softly, “I tried to move on, but it was impossible. There was always something missing in my life without you. I couldn’t stop looking at you whenever we hung out with our friends, and I…” He paused, “I still love you. I never stopped loving you, and when I woke up and thought you had already left, I was angry with myself for possibly having ruined any chances with you. You’re… You’re simply the best thing that has happened to me, and I don’t want to lose you entirely.”

You squeezed his hand and looked at him, “Nothing is ruined. I… I never stopped loving you either, Aemond.” You loved him, you always have. Many nights, you’ve found yourself thinking about the rest of your life with him together. How you’d grow old with him, maybe living somewhere peaceful. Together. Maybe you’d have a dog or more than one? Maybe a cat? Or any other animals you could take care of together. Both of you even had thought about adopting a dog or cat together when you were still together. You two already had different name ideas, one of them being Vhagar.

He smiled and scooted closer to you to lean his forehead against yours while he still held your hands tightly and gently. Maybe you were able to have a chance again. “Do you want to give us… Maybe another chance? I… I can’t continue living like this anymore. Every night, I think about you before I fall asleep, and you’re the first thought in the morning when I wake up. Wishing you were in my arms like you always used to. I just… Miss it,” he admitted quietly. His vulnerability was noticeable.

“I’d like to try again,” you smiled while tears built up in your eyes, completely out of happiness. You’ve been hoping for this moment for so long, and now you were sitting here together. Where it all started first because the first kiss you had with him before you were a couple happened in this apartment, on his couch in the same place you sat on currently.

Both of you smiled and fondly looked at one another before you eventually finally leaned in and captured his lips in a slow and tender kiss. He continued to brush his thumb over your hand and hummed into the kiss with a smile. He was truly happy. He pulled you into a hug after you pulled away from each other, stroking your head as he put his on top of yours. You closed your eyes and wrapped your arms around his waist. It was everything you needed, and maybe the break between you was needed to find each other again with a better mindset.

“I missed this,” you whispered after a while. “I missed this too. I missed you,” he admitted and kissed the top of your head. You finally had him back, he was your safe space, and you were his. And you both won’t let the other one go again. No matter what, you’d be able to get through everything together.

[sygneth]

The confirmation that Harry's squad abandoning him is just poor writing just so the player can continue doing shit on their own is the fact that it never gets explained. Harry even tries to bring it up but kim just. Shuts him up about about it is so so sooooo absurd. Jean's inaction could also harm him but he just makes harry drop the subject? C'mon folk it could have not been more obvious that the writers simply did not come up with that part 💀 I wish people would just take things as they are: de is not really a detailed novel. It's a fuckin game. With excellent writing, excellent characters and worldbuilding, but still a game

I don't think there is much to add here anon. This is a very solid point.

EDIT: I figured it may be worth adding that this is about the posse leaving on the day of the mercenary tribunal, not before the events of the game

[inkedells]

look at me a little more | dbf!joel miller x f!reader

A/N: first of all, SMUTTT so much smut up ahead. holy crap this is the longest thing i've ever written (pathetic, i know, blame the commitment issues) enjoy lovies!! also lmk if you want a part 2 maybe possibly!?

m!dni | requests open.

summary: dbf!neighbor!joel accidentally drenches you (virgin!reader) while washing his car and you can’t help but notice the way he eyes you up. it’s only once he’s in your bedroom, fixing your closet door as an apology, that you realize the best person to rid you of your virginity and teach you precisely how to please yourself and others had been right in front of you the whole time; it's getting joel on board with the whole idea that's the hard part.

word count: 5.5k

tags/warnings: SMUTTTT, virgin!reader, dbf!neighbor!joel faces moral conflicts (to fuck or not to fuck!?!?), porn with plot, sooo much tension, dirty talk, use of pet names, blowjobs, handjobs, cumplay, reader eats joel's cum, grinding, making out, oral sex, no!outbreak au, reader's innocent in the sense that she doesn't really know how to do a lot of things when it comes to sex but still has a ton of desires

masterlist

There was a certain shame that came with being infatuated with your dad’s best friend.

You were sitting around on the porch on a hot summer afternoon, wearing your shortest cotton shorts as you sipped the juice box brand you had loved since you were a little girl. Legs crossed, foot tapping the air, and most importantly, eyes absolutely trained on the ripple of Joel Miller’s biceps as he washed his car.

You didn’t know why you liked to stare at him so much. But you did know it was wrong. Immoral. Eyeing up someone in their forties? What was wrong with you? That was your dad’s best f—

“Hey, Mr. Miller!” You called over, shutting down every ounce of doubt in your mind.

He turned around without hesitation, and when he did, you waved. The first time you’d done that, he had to work a little harder to figure out the source of the voice, eyes searching in random directions before finally settling on you. But now, it was like he knew exactly where to look—And, well, that was all it took for you to decide you would be spending the next hour washing a car if it meant spending time with Joel.

So you settled your juice box down on the wooden floor of the porch and skipped over to his house. He must not have heard your footsteps behind him over the sound of the hose, so your simple tap on his shoulder resulted in him whipping around, hose in hand, as he consequently drenched you.

You yelped, breaking out into nervous laughter both from shock and how cold the water was. Joel fumbled to turn off the hose as he began profusely apologizing. “Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry—”

Then he properly saw you. From Joel’s perspective, your clothes were reduced to translucency, practically melting into your skin.

But you didn’t know that. You never fully grasped just how vulnerable you had become from his accident, so when you caught him averting his gaze as quickly as he could, you were a little confused.

“You—Uh—I,” Joel stumbled before clearing his throat, “There’s clothes. Inside. Sarah’s. You can, um, you can go and… y’know. Change into them. Walkin’ all the way back to your house doesn’t seem like a… viable… option.”

By then, a blush had already risen to your cheeks just from how delicately Joel was treating you. As if you were something he had to be careful with, like if he didn’t think long and hard about every word coming out of his mouth, there would be consequences. 

“Lead the way.”

Joel gave you a firm smile before swallowing the lump in his throat and motioning for you to follow him as he walked. Once he had the front door open, he let you go in first. Even as you carefully walked past him, you could feel his eyes staring at you.

“Up there,” Joel gestured, “Um, first door on the left. I’ll… be outside.”

As he explained, you subconsciously scanned over the planes of his body—probably a habit you picked up from the multiple weeks of watching him work. But then he was turning to leave, and you could tell he was still really tense. You didn’t know why a simple accident had him so tripped up, but you had the urge to alleviate his worry.

“Hey,” You called, arms wrapped around yourself in an effort to stave off the cold. He turned around, concerned until he saw your soft smile and relaxed a little, “On a scale of one to ten, how sick and tired are you of washing that truck?”

There was only one way to break Joel out of his nervous state; you had to make the situation lighthearted; you learned that from years of watching him hang out with your dad.

He searched your eyes for a beat, eyes completely unwavering, before muttering, “Like a fifty.”

You both breathed a laugh at that. For the briefest moment, you thought you noticed Joel’s gaze flitting to your chest. Your breath caught in your throat, but before you could do a double take, his eyes were glued to yours again.

“So then,” You started, regathering yourself and pushing away whatever your brain was conjuring up, “How do you feel about replacing one lousy chore with another?”

“What kinda chore we talkin’?”

“Well, my closet door’s all screwed up. And you know, instead of apologizing for soaking me by way of expensive concert tickets and a brand new car, like how I know you were planning on doing—”

“—Oh, of course,” Joel sarcastically remarked, playing along as you quickly noticed the worry on his face faded into a crooked grin.

“Well, I really think I can just settle for the closet door fix. Go ahead and save the brand new car for when you break my toaster.”

“Okay, okay,” Joel laughed, “I get it. Go change, then you can lead me to this broken closet door.”

-

Sarah’s clothes definitely belonged to a fourteen-year-old. Not your taste, but then again, if you were fourteen like her, you probably would’ve dressed like that too.

You couldn’t settle on a top, all of them were either too small or bore a graphic design too childish for you. You did find a pair of stretchier shorts that fit alright though, so you decided you’d just pick up one of Joel’s shirts from the pile of clean laundry you saw sitting atop the washing machine downstairs.

When you made it out the front door, the hose was away and his toolbox was resting on the ground by his feet. Joel was drying up his car with a cloth, and when he heard you hop down the steps and subsequently turned your way, you weren’t exactly expecting him to completely stumble at the sight of you in his shirt.

“Oh—You, uh, I thought you were gettin’ Sarah’s clothes?”

“I was, none of her tops fit so I grabbed one of yours from the laundry downstairs.” You absorbed Joel’s cryptic reaction and began to worry. “I’m sorry, Mr. Miller, I really should’ve asked—”

“—No, no, it’s fine. Really. Doesn't matter.”

Joel picked up his toolbox, then the both of you began walking over to your house. It wasn’t that far away at all, probably a couple of hundred feet at most, but he opted into small talk anyway.

“Um,” Joel began, “What’d you come over for in the first place? Didn’t really get a chance to ask ‘cause of this whole… debacle.”

You giggled at his old man vocabulary. Debacle.

“I wanted to help with your car, but looks like those plans got derailed.”

He breathed a polite laugh. “Yeah, well. Guess it turned out that way.”

Before an awkward silence could fall upon the both of you, your brain settled on something to bring up.

“Hey, my dad’s having that July 4th barbecue the day after tomorrow. You’re coming right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, honey.”

Honey? Honey. Honey honey honey honey—

He cleared his throat. “Where is your dad, anyway?”

You were both standing on your porch now, Joel’s eyes raking you over as you fumbled with the front door.

“Um, I think he’s out working.”

“Great.”

Great?

Before you could ask him what he meant, Joel realized what he had said. “Wait, no, not great. I don’t—I don’t know why I said that. Sorry. I’m sorry.”

You pushed the door open. “Hey,” You brought a hand up to his chest and patted it, “You’ll give yourself a heart attack if you keep assuming all your mistakes are colossal and worthy of that much panic.”

His shoulders seemed to relax a little at that—you weren’t sure if it was your hand or your words that did it.

Eventually, you both found yourselves in your bedroom. You were sitting on the edge of your bed as you watched Joel work. Kneeling on one knee with a screwdriver in hand, he fumbled with one of the closet door’s hinges as he muttered little things to himself under his breath.

“Thanks for this, Mr. Miller.”

He turned to you, nodding as he seemed to process that he was in your bedroom. Your bedroom.

“So,” Joel began, as he dug through his toolbox, “Is your boyfriend visiting too? Or, y’know, girlfriend. Three months is a long ti—”

You softly smiled. “I don’t have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.”

He turned to look at you again as he turned a screwdriver, this time scanning you over. “Hm, I don’t believe you. Sweet thing like you? Single?”

“Oh, stop,” You blushed, shooing him off.

Joel stood to his feet, dusting his hands off on his thighs. “All fixed. Next time you ne—”

“—I’ve never been in a relationship before. Actually.”

Joel stared at you for a moment before diverting his gaze to the ground. “I, um…”

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. You don’t wanna know about my completely nonexistent dating history,” You lightly smacked your forehead, “Wait, it’s existent if we count the boy I dated for a week in fourth grade.”

Joel laughed, sitting down next to you on your bed. “It’s okay. I haven’t really dated anybody since Sarah’s mom, either. Long-term, anyways.”

“Yeah, well at least you’re not a virgin.”

Joel seemed to tense at that, and you immediately regretted saying it.

“Oh gosh,” You cringed, hands gripping your head, “I really just say anything, don’t I?”

Joel chuckled, head hung between his shoulders with his eyes squinted shut. You eventually laughed, too, simply because—and you realized it sounded stupid—Joel’s laughter was contagious.

“Alright, alright,” Joel beckoned, “Lemme be serious for a second. C’mere.”

You slumped down next to him, staring up at the ceiling before turning to make eye contact.

“That’s not something you have to worry about. You got time, honey, you’re in college. All that crap about late blooming isn’t real. It’s about whenever you’re ready, and whenever you find the right person to do it with.”

You smiled up at him softly. “Thanks, Mr. Miller.”

“Joel. Just Joel.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look away from him. So you stayed like that, searching his eyes for something you didn’t have the courage to say out loud.

“Joel,” You echoed, repeating his name back to him, bottom lip caught between your teeth.

“I, uh…” Joel trailed off, his gaze flitting down to your lips. “I…” He tried again, but it went nowhere.

You exhaled, and almost immediately, his hands cupped your face as he leaned forward and pressed a soft, fleeting kiss to your lips.

It was warm, and gentle, and amazing, and you didn’t know if you could ever let him stop kissing you with how delightful the scruff of his beard felt against your skin.

He did break the kiss after a few seconds, though, and it left you breathless. “Joel…”

His muscles seemed to visibly tense as he mistook your speechless state for confusion. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why—”

“—No. No, I liked it,” You smiled softly at him, “I, um, you know. Wouldn’t mind if you kissed me… again.”

With reassurance that you weren’t absolutely appalled, his limbs relaxed. He leaned forward again until he was kissing you. Slow at first, languid. But then it turned fervent and desperate, breaths being exchanged into one another's mouths as lips slotted together like fingers intertwined—so perfect, as if they were biologically designed to do so.

It wasn’t long until he had your back flat against your bed, and you felt his growing hardness dig into your hip.

“Y’know what that is, don’t you?”

You nodded hesitantly.

“You know why it’s there?”

You shrugged.

He gripped the fabric of your—no, his—shirt as his voice rumbled, “You prancin’ around in my shirt did that.”

Without a second thought, you clumsily palmed him there through the thick fabric of his jeans and reveled in the consequential shuddering moan he let out

“Joel, I don’t… I don’t think I know what I’m doing.”

“That’s okay, honey, I’ll teach you.”

Propping himself up with his elbow, he placed his hand atop your own and guided the movements of your open palm. Things like pressing your hand further into him so as to increase the pressure between his legs, and encouraging back-and-forth motions that had his hips rutting and his breath hitching.

Once you got the hang of it, he removed his hand from your own. You felt his hand snake down your neck, then the side of your torso. 

“I trust you,” You whispered, fingers playing with the happy trail peaking Joel’s pants, hoping to absolve him of any guilt or doubt.

But the second Joel’s fingertips grazed the waistband of your shorts, he froze. He was staring off somewhere to the right, so you followed his gaze until you found what he was so disturbed by.

A framed photo on your nightstand, one of you standing next to your dad on vacation in Maui.

You understood immediately; that picture was an astute reminder of exactly who’s daughter Joel was about to debauch.

Your hand fell away from his crotch as he leaned back on his haunches and ran his hands through his hair with worried eyes.

“Joel?” You whispered, but then he was completely backing off of you as he muttered curses under his breath. “Hey, no, come back. What’s wrong?”

It was a dumb question. You knew what was wrong. Even though you were well beyond legal, it seemed to mean little in the situation—the facts were, if he touched you, it was betrayal.

“This is…” Joel panted, standing to his feet and raking his hands through his hair, “I shouldn’t have… Fuck. Fuck. I have to go.”

And just like that, he was gone.

-

That night, your lights stayed on and you didn’t close your curtains.

You stripped yourself of Joel’s shirt first, going excruciatingly slow in case Joel happened to be watching through his neighboring window. You occasionally shot glances at his window on the off chance that the window illuminated, but you quickly realized if the two of you made eye contact that wouldn’t be good either. You’d gotten all the way down to your underwear before you spotted his light flick on from the corner of your eye.

So you did the first thing that came to mind; You turned your back to your window. Panties halfway down your legs, torso bent with your knees straightened as you slowly shed your clothing. Hoping. Hoping for him to avert his attention ever so slightly and accidentally catch you like this. Hoping he would think of it every time he talked to you.

Without ever making eye contact, you would never know if Joel actually saw anything, and he would never know you hadn’t actually “forgotten” to close your curtains.

No pressure on either of you.

You went to sleep with a hand shoved down the front of your panties as you thought of all the things you wanted Joel to do to you.

-

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Jesus. What time was it? You stretched until sleep left you and opened your eyes as wide as you could (not very wide at all). From what you could gather, the sun was definitely up. You, however, did not have the willpower required to read off of your phone screen 5 seconds after waking up, so you answered the phone without reading the contact.

“Hello?” You groaned, voice gruff from sleep.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

You knew that voice anywhere. Almost immediately, you shot upright and cleared your throat as you rubbed your eyes. “Oh, hey Mr. Mill—uh, I mean, Joel,” You breathed a nervous laugh before remembering his question, “No. No, it’s okay I was like, basically awake already, um, so… what’s up? Why’d you—Why’d you call?”

“Right, so just to preface, I understand things are not... ideal... between us right now. But to be honest, you’re the only person available who I trust with this, and… let me just explain. I got called into work unexpectedly and Sarah’s gonna be home alone. Lately, she’s been getting into these rebellious fits, and I just don’t want to risk another situation where she sneaks out at night to meet up with her boyfriend again.”

“Sarah and rebellious fits? Really?”

“Yes, believe it or not. So do you think you could just hang around my place for, to be honest, a long while? It’s looking like I’m gonna be home really late tonight. Oh, and I can pay you.”

“Oh, shut up, you’re not paying me.”

Joel exhaled appreciatively through the phone. “Okay, well I’m home right now if you wanna come by and eat some breakfast. Least I could do. I gotta leave in like thirty minutes by the way, so. Take your time but also don’t take your time?”

You smiled, hoping he could hear it in your voice. “Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

“Thanks, honey.”

Oh god. There it was again. You thought you might actually pass out, but you quickly turned off your racing brain enough to mutter a small “mhm” before abruptly hanging up.

Okay. Joel Miller. Your dad’s best friend, who was this close to absolving you of every ounce of innocence in your body… just asked you to watch his daughter. What could go wrong?

When you got to his house, he had left already (you definitely took too long in the shower). He did leave out a plate of food, though, along with the message, “Thanks again. Enjoy the pancakes,” scratched out on a post-it note.

And boy did it turn out to be a long day. Sarah wasn’t that much of a handful, she mostly took care of herself. The hard part was lunch.

You attempted to cook something for the two of you, but it only ended in disaster when you left the quiches in the oven for too long. Then you decided Penne a la Vodka couldn’t be that hard, and you couldn't be more wrong. A whole box of pasta was ruined because Sarah didn’t realize the pasta went in after the water boiled, not before. Eventually, you both just accepted defeat and ordered Panera Bread.

Later, Sarah popped into the living room to let you know she was going up to her room to take a nap, and you figured you’d do the same on the couch.

The last thing you read was the time on the cable box; 7:37.

-

Metal clanking. The turn of a key. The creaking of a door. The blaring siren of an alarm system.

“Jesus—Fuck. I thought I told her to turn off the alarm at 8.”

And Joel’s voice.

You jolted awake, blinking wide as you moved to sit upright on the couch. The time on the cable box was 11:50.

Soon, the alarm stopped, and not long after, Joel’s figure came into view. He was wearing a denim button-up with work pants and work boots.

“Hey,” Joel called, setting his things down next to the kitchen island.

“Hi,” You replied, “How was work?”

Joel gave you a polite smile before pulling open the refrigerator door to retrieve a beer. With his head still poked inside the fridge, he replied, “The usual.”

“Well, what was the usual li—”

“—Were you asleep?”

“Uh…" You cleared your throat in an effort to stall as you debated whether or not you would lie. "Yeah, I was. Sorry.”

Joel took a swig of his beer, staring at you from across the room for a minute before blurting out, “The usual is busy. Extremely busy and tedious. But, um, how was Sarah? Hope you weren’t asleep too long.”

“Nope,” You lied, “I Wasn’t asleep long at all. Sarah was great. We had a bit of trouble with lunch, but everything ended up fine.”

“Good. Good. Well you can head out now, thanks for taking care of her.”

No. You did not want to "head out." You rose to your feet. “Joel?”

He looked around as he swallowed his beer. “Uh, yeah?”

“I actually wanted to talk to you. About yesterday.”

He peered down at the ground, swishing around the bottle in his hand. “That’s—That’s okay, honey. I think it’s best we forget that happened.”

“What? But why?”

Joel crossed the room and sat down next to you, leaning back against the couch while you sat back down on the edge with your elbows resting on your knees.

“Come on,” He started, “Don’t act like you don’t know exactly why we’re… this… is impossible.”

“Joel, I—”

“—I’m sorry. You should get home now.”

You turned around to face him. “Joel. No one has to know.” 

“As I said, I’m sorry. I handled yesterday… terribly. There were a million different ways to go about that, and I somehow chose the worst one. But we don't work. We can't work.”

You felt your eyes begin to water, but you tried to push the feeling down.

“Hey, hey,” He lulled, the hardness of his attitude falling away as he noticed the sad shine in your eyes, “Don’t cry.” He pulled you against him, rubbing your shoulder firmly.

“Joel,” You mumbled in a small voice, sniffling against his denim shirt with a frown.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to justify what he was quickly realizing was inevitable. You were an adult, somebody else independent of your father. It was your choice who to get involved with, just like it was his. This was mutual.

He knew he would regret it later, but your innocence and desperation allured him to the point of no return.

“It’s late,” Joel began, voice gentle as he offered you one last out, “You should go home. You need sleep, you’re not thinking straight. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“No,” You replied, removing yourself from his body so you could look him in the eye. “I don’t want to leave. I want you to… I want you to do what you said you’d do.”

Knowing exactly what you were talking about, he redundantly asked in a whisper, “And what’s that?”

You wiped a stray tear as you clumsily moved to straddle his lap. Almost automatically, his hands found their way to your hips, his thumbs rubbing circles into the slivers of skin peeking between your cami tank top and the waistband of your shorts. But it seemed at some point his consciousness realized what he was doing because his hands suddenly dropped to his sides. And, well, you just wouldn’t have that, so you grabbed hold of his wrists and returned them to where they were settled on your hips before you rested your own hands on Joel’s chest.

“You remember, don’t you?” You shifted in his lap, “You said you’d teach me.”

“How to have sex.” He said it more like a confirmation rather than a question.

You blushed at his blatant use of the word. It was like every fifth thing coming out of his mouth was sending your brain spiraling. You cleared your throat. “Yeah. Yeah, sex. Blowjobs, orgasms, literal sex. All of it.”

Silence for a beat. “I have one condition,” Joel warned.

“Yeah, what is it?”

“The second I suspect your dad is onto us, that’s it. It’s over. No more messing around, none of it. I can’t lose my best friend.”

You nodded. You probably shouldn’t have agreed so easily, but you didn’t actually think you and Joel would ever get caught.

“Okay, then,” Joel whispered. “Good. What do you wanna do first? Start off easy.”

You looked around the room nervously, careful not to make eye contact as you spoke. “Like. I dunno. Maybe for right now, I could just… touch you. Touch it, I mean.”

Joel nodded, and when your breathing began to grow the slightest bit uneven from nervousness, he noticed and rubbed your upper arm reassuringly. “Hey. Relax. Climb down and sit right there on the ground between my legs, and I’ll show you where to start.”

And so you did. Joel peered down at you with heavy lids as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, and thus began your first lesson.

“Unbuckle my pants.”

With shaky hands, you removed his belt and undid his fly. You couldn’t explain why, but as soon as you caught sight of the bulge in his boxers, your mouth watered.

“What…” You began, “What now?”

“Whatever feels comfortable.”

With a light, feathery touch, you delicately traced a singular finger along the outline of his cock. Joel shivered at the contact, hands shooting to grip the sofa. Touching it felt different this time, more intense because you could feel every ridge and vein; you blamed it on the much thinner fabric dividing your fingers and his cock.

Your breath shuddered before speaking, “Can I take it ou—”

“—Yes, God, yes.”

You hooked your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, pulling downwards until his cock sprang free. It was thick, long, and wet at the tip, and you found yourself instinctively leaning further into it.

“Okay,” Joel sighed shakily, “Now just form a circle with your fingers and stroke it.”

You did as Joel said, and when your fingers finally made contact with his cock, you sighed at how velvety the skin was there. Soft and smooth, except for the trimmed hair surrounding the base. You stroked him steadily, biting your lip as you watched the wetness leaking from his tip spread down his shaft.

“Twist at the tip, honey, twist at the—Yeah, just like that. So good, you’re doing so good.” You couldn’t help but smile when Joel tilted his head back from the pleasure of it all.

With Joel still reeling from the contact of your hand, you took his momentary refusal to look down at you as an opportunity to surprise him a little.

You leaned forward and kitten-licked his tip, and it had him finally making eye contact with you as he whispered, “Oh, do that again.”

And so you did, adoring the look of pleasure strewn across Joel’s face.

Joel offered you a quick, crooked grin. “How’s it feel?” He asked, brushing his thumb along your bottom lip as your tongue played with his tip.

You pulled away for a moment to respond, “How’s what feel?”

“Licking a man’s cock.”

You let the spit that had gathered in your mouth drip down onto his length. “I have the urge to do more with it.”

“Like what?”

“Like put it all the way in my mouth.”

And so kitten licks turned into long stripes up his shift, which turned into eager suckling on his tip, which turned into forcing his cock down as far as it could go without making you gag.

Joel’s hand gripped the back of your head, but he never pushed you down. Whenever you did accidentally end up gagging, he petted your hair, mumbling encouragements as best he could through the blinding pleasure. Things like, “Yeah, honey, doing so good. That’s it. Just a little more. Mhm.” And his affectionate nature, his gentleness, his reassuring words—he was exactly how you hoped he would be like. Not to mention, the general hotness of it all had your hips canting down against nothing, in desperate search of relief.

“M’close, sweetheart. Take it—Take it out.”

“I don’t wanna,” You replied in a hoarse voice as you jacked him off.

“You’re not ready for that, honey, just take it out. Take it out.”

You reluctantly complied, removing him from the tight heat of your mouth, drool dripping down your chin as you stroked him rapidly.

“Joel, I… I think I’m wet.”

He moaned a curse at that, his chest rising and falling in rapid breaths as his orgasm approached him. “Jesus f-fuckin’… Tell me more.”

“I need you to touch it for me next time. Please. Maybe you could… Maybe you could put your mouth on it like how I put my mouth on you.”

“Yes, yes, oh fuck, I’m cumming, don’t stop stroking it,” Joel moaned, hot white spurts shooting up and all over your hand as you stroked him through it.

With his breathing still labored, he panted out in a high voice, “You’re lying. You’re f-fucking lying. Tell me the truth.”

“About what?”

“This isn’t—You’ve done this before. No way you made me cum this hard and it’s your first time.”

“Well,” You breathed a nervous laugh, “That’s flattering. But you’re my first. Trust me.”

When his orgasm fully subsided, Joel lay slumped against the sofa with his legs spread wide. You remained between them with your head resting on his thigh as you just stared at his cock. Took it all in, every curve, every vein, and inevitably, the cum that spurted itself over the surrounding area.

“What are you doing?” Joel chuckled, petting your hair as you smiled.

“I’m… I don’t know really. I just can’t stop looking at it.”

But then curiosity got the best of you, and you began to drag your fingers through the mess at his base. It caught Joel off-guard, his entire body stiffening as he watched you.

“What does it taste like?” You asked quietly as you examined the cum on your fingers. 

“Oh my god,” Joel groaned through his labored breathing, “I swear, if you do what I think you’re about to do, I’ll be hard again in five seconds.”

“I’ll take my chances,” You joked, bringing your finger to your mouth and licking it clean, ultimately wincing at the taste. “It’s like, bitter. And salty. And kinda sweet. But mostly bitter and salty. To be honest, it’s kinda nasty but I can see myself getting used to it.”

“Wow,” Joel sighed, “You just really know how to set the mood. Make things real romantic.”

“Oh, shut it,” You huffed, playfully swatting his thigh before getting up and plopping down next to him on the sofa as he got to work stuffing himself back into his pants despite the mess he made—that was a problem for future Joel. 

“Gonna miss you, little Joel,” You joked to his crotch.

“Oh my god, you’re the worst,” Joel chuckled painfully with his fists in his eyes. “I’m never letting you near ‘little Joel’ again.”

“Mm, no, because I just made you cum so hard you thought I was lying about being a virgin.”

He sighed at that. “You got me there.”

“I did, didn’t I?”

You both laughed at that; In fact, you both were laughing a lot. And at everything. In your head, you blamed it on the ecstatic high of being in each other’s presence this way.

When the mutual laughter died down, Joel looked at you for a moment, admiring you. Then, slow and hesitant as ever, he leaned in to kiss you.

“Do you taste it?” You whispered, breaking the kiss as you fought another giggle.

“Yes, actually. Wait, don’t say it please, this is actually a nice moment—”

“—Your cum!” You loud-whispered.

Another sigh. “My cum.”

You eagerly kissed him back after that, swearing off mood-breaking jokes for the rest of the night. Eventually, you even became too tired to kiss, simply letting your forehead rest against his. Your eyes fluttered shut as his hand snaked up your leg and inched under the leg of your shorts, using force to push your legs open wider.

“Need me to take care of this?” He asked into your mouth before letting his kisses travel down to your neck.

“Joel,” You breathed, breaths beginning to come out in rapid succession as your hips gyrated in response to how dangerously close Joel’s hand was to your pussy. “I… I’m tired.”

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to do a thing,” Joel breathed, removing his hand from beneath your shorts in order to pull down the waistband. “It’s a yes or no question. Just give me a yes or a no.”

Your breath hitched as you opened your eyes and stared at the little bit of empty space left between you and Joel. The throbbing between your legs was bad, but it was something about the delayed gratification of saving things for later that stopped you from saying yes. “No, I… I think that’s it for tonight.”

Joel withdrew his hand, reassuringly cracking a brief smile. “Hey, uh, spend the night. It’s way too late, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

You shrugged. “Yeah, but what about Sarah?” 

“I came home super late, you fell asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

You thought about it for a second before agreeing. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thank you. But I’m taking the couch.”

“What? No—”

“—Joel. I’m taking the couch.”

He looked at you skeptically but then agreed. “If you change your mind just let me know.”

“I will. Goodnight.”

Joel squeezed your leg before getting up and making his way to the stairs. “Goodnight.”

masterlist

A/N: strikethrough means i can't tag you, check your settings

taglist:

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[beetlejuicyy]

Losing touch | Bada Lee x reader

Bebe Gang AU

Part one • Part two

Pairing: gang member! Bada x reader

Synopsys: Picking up your girlfriend from the police station does not seem like a good date idea for you. Especially if she refuses to talk about the very things that got her in trouble with the police.

Warnings: angst, very much angst, fighting, toxic relationship, gaslighting, swearing

Note: thank you all for the support you showed for Bruises ! This is going to be a two part work so I hope you look forward for the secont part as well. As for this one, I got a bit carried away and it ended up more toxic than I planned. The next one might have less plot and more kinky smut. I'm also open to requests too so if you have anything in mind that I could write I'd love to see it!!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

You were still in bed enjoying your coffee when your phone started ringing. You were expecting a package to arrive and were excited to see the unknown number, thinking it was related to the delivery details.

“Miss y/n?” The stern voice of a woman greeted you. You shook off the feeling that something was wrong. “This is the police station. You’ll be redirected to the caller.” Your blood froze in your veins as you heard a muffled sound through the phone.

“Y/n…”

“Bada? Is that you?” You sat up immediately, still hoping this was some kind of misunderstanding, a wrong number. Your girlfriend sighed.

“I need you to come pick me up.” She seemed incredibly calm, as if she had been through this before.

“You’ve been arrested?” You were still trying to comprehend the situation at nine thirty in the morning.

“I was framed... They are letting me go but the lawyer said it’s better for my image to have someone with a clean criminal record get me out.”

“I’m coming.”

You got dressed and left the house in a hurry, unable to think straight. Only after you got in the car and typed in the address your girlfriend gave you things started to clear out inside your mind. The police station was on the opposite side of the city, far from where both of you lived. What was she even doing there? When was she arrested? You remembered going to sleep early the previous night and her sending you a goodnight text around ten.

You turned on the engine. You hadn’t eaten a thing yet and your stomach was noisy about it. Wondering when was the last time Bada ate something, you stopped at a bakery on your way to get something for the both of you. Only when you stopped the car and got out in the police station parking lot you realized you had no idea how these things were supposed to work. All you knew was that you were worried sick.

You noticed there was a young man around your age in uniform at the front desk right by the entrance and gave him the name of your girlfriend.

“Please fill in this form.” He said as he printed some papers. While you filled in the information he called to let his colleagues know about your arrival. You finished the formalities and checked the paperwork once again to make sure you didn’t miss anything. That’s when your eyes fell on a line already completed. Drug possession. Your eyes widened in an expression impossible to conceal. The guy at the desk might have noticed it because he continued to talk to you. “What could a girl like you have to do with Bada Lee?” He hummed as he checked your papers.

“We’re… friends.” You hesitated. You didn’t feel like owing a stranger any explanation. On the contrary, you were owed some.

“She’s not a very good influence, y’know.”

“It’s written there that the charges were dropped.” As much as you felt angry at your girlfriend you couldn’t accept anyone badmouthing her. Which was ironic because Bada was indeed a bad influence.

“This time, sure.” The man agreed. “But others were not.”

You didn’t want to show how little you actually knew about your girlfriend, especially in front of the cops. However, you really wanted to know. You’ve never pestered her with questions. You always tried to be the cool girlfriend, the fun and easygoing one that she would love. But it was getting harder and harder to ignore the obvious things, like the fact that she would get into fights, cancel plans or leave in the middle of your date because of a phone call. You always tried to think it was the same as dating a workaholic, like someone with a corporate job and a very bad sense of work ethic. But today in the car you realized you’ve been fooling yourself all this time. Her file was there in one of those shelves you were sure. You wanted to read it so bad. Know all the things she did and she wasn’t telling you.

“If you ever realize the kind of person she is you can always give us a call.” The guy said, giving you something that looked like a business card. Your eyes scanned it and picked it up , trying not to seem rude. It was filled with his personal information.

“Miss y/n?” Another voice called to you from behind, this time a woman. “Miss Lee is waiting for you but first I need to make sure everything is alright.” Her voice was softer and nicer than the guy at the front desk, even though she was his senior. And most importantly, she wasn’t trying to flirt with you.

You saw Bada behind her, sitting on a bench, waiting patiently. She was wearing the same shirt she had on when she send you the goodnight selfie before you went to sleep. You guessed she had spent the night at the police station. Her hair wrapped in a messy low bun. Her long legs spread out, elbows supporting her upper body as she was leaning forward, hands covering her face. She was tired. Your eyes softened as you looked at her, although you were still upset. When the lady said you were free to go you hurried to your girlfriend.

She looked up before you got close to her, her eyes puffy. You weren’t sure if the look in her eyes was simply fatigue or if she was really trying to figure out what you were thinking. She stood up hands in her pants’ pockets. There was something cold about her that you couldn’t quite explain.

“You ok?” You asked. You wanted to hug her tight but you didn’t want to make a scene in the police station.

“I’m good. Thanks for coming.” She said. You guessed the conversation would start only after having some privacy in your car.

What you didn’t know was that Bada had tried her best not to call you. She hated involving you in things like these and had a hard time talking about it. Ever since you started going out she promised herself to be the best girlfriend you could have, and that certainly didn’t include her usual pastimes. But she couldn’t simply stop one random day. Those were her friends she grew up with, her family. She had a reputation on the streets and it was a big part of her identity. But it was obvious that, at some point, these two sides of her would clash. And today seemed like that moment finally had come.

You both got to your car and decided you’ll drive her straight home so she could finally rest after a crazy night. A night that you still knew nothing about. Bada got in the passenger seat and started typing busily on her phone. You drove off, patiently waiting for her to finish. Her phone was on silent mode but you could see with the corner of your eye that she kept receiving messages.  When she was finally done, she placed the phone in her pocket and stretched her arm to turn on the music in the car. She searched for a song that she liked in your playlist – the playlist she once made for you as a gift to think about her when you were driving alone – and leaned back in her seat, looking out the window. You kept checking on her constantly as much as you could while driving. She was lost in thought, face slightly turned away from you. You tried to think she was tired, she was stressed. You kept finding excuses for her while trying to be patient, to give her time. Maybe she didn’t feel like talking.

When her phone vibrated in her pocket again you sighed. She reached out and started typing again which only made it harder to keep calm. You clenched your hand on the steering wheel. She could talk to anyone but you. Her silence was driving you mad and all the times when you let things slide for the sake of your relationship came back to you in a flash. As much as you loved her, her attitude made you feel stupid. Stupid for trusting her. Stupid for telling her everything about you while she barely talked about herself. Stupid for finding her excuses. You swerved to the left unexpectedly, finally getting a reaction out of her. You stopped the car in an almost empty parking lot and leaned back in your seat, taking a deep breath.

“I’m listening.” You said sternly. Maybe it wasn’t the best way of addressing things. You had let all the negative emotions build up and now they were exploding with a passive-aggressive tone and a nasty attitude that Bada would not receive well for sure. She cocked her eyebrows at you, as if you were the unreasonable one between the two of you. “What happened last night?”

“I was framed, I told you.” She took a deep breath before answering. She was trying to control her anger as much as you.

“For what?”

“Does it matter?”

“Drug possession.” You stressed the words carefully.

“And I told you I didn’t do it!” Her voice was gradually getting louder. “What’s with all these questions?”

“Do you deal drugs?”

“Should I take the bus instead?” She spat back another question as an answer. She sighed in exasperation when she tried to open the door but you had them locked.

“Do your friends deal drugs?”

“No, we’re just your friendly neighborhood  association, knitting sweaters and planting flowers.” She answered sarcastically and you couldn’t help but slam your fist against the door in frustration. Bada’s breath got stuck in her throat for a moment. She never saw you angry before. “I told you I didn’t fucking do it.” She said again.

“Not now. How about other times?” You said and, seeing that she was avoiding to answer, you continued. “You said you needed someone with a clean record to pick you up. Does that mean I’m the only person you know who doesn’t have problems with the police?” You raised your eyebrows in expectation. “Lusher? Tatter? Kyma?” You asked in disbelief as the expression on her face provided all the answers you needed. Those were the sweetest girls you met, some of her nicest friends and you had a hard time believing it.

“Kyma only has minor offences.” She muttered under her breath, knowing it wasn’t changing anything.

“What about you? What in the world are you doing whenever you’re not answering messages for hours? When you cancel things out of the blue? When someone calls you and you don’t even bother to come up with a lame excuse for leaving me behind?” Everything was coming back to you. Every moment you thought your relationship was more important than knowing everything. Every time you would bite your tongue just to give her space at the expense of your feelings.

“Stop acting like a controlling wife!” She snapped at you. You were both looking each other directly in the eye, the tension in the car almost be visible.

“I wouldn’t if you would just talk to me!” You almost cried out and it seemed like you lost the staring battle because you put a hand over your eyes, feeling your head heavy. She was still looking down at you, the look in her eyes softening just a little. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you.” You said. You didn’t see it because you weren’t looking at her, but your words hurt her deeply. “The only thing I know about you is that you like to dance.”

“That’s a very important thing about me.” She replied coyly.

“Why do I have to find out stuff about you from the police, Bada?” She clicked her tongue and looked away, annoyed. She loved the way her name sounded out of your pretty mouth but not this time.

“Just because that asshole was wearing a fancy uniform doesn’t mean he’s a good guy, you know.” Her tone was rather pathetic and it annoyed you even more.

“See?!” You yelled. “You never answer anything I ask you! Maybe I really should have asked more about you at the station.”

“Then call that fucker!” She yelled back and reached out to you. For a moment you forgot to breathe. Her slim fingers got the business card out of your pocket. She crumbed it in her fist. “I bet he’d love to talk shit about me while trying to get between your legs.”

It was too much. Your heart was beating rapidly. The air you were breathing didn’t seem to be enough. Her last words hurt you so much that you didn’t even think when you did it. Your hand just moved on her own ready to slap her. She caught you quickly by the wrist, holding your hand just inches away from her cheek. She leaned over you, looking right through your eyes directly into your soul. Your wrist was still in her hand. It didn’t hurt. Maybe that’s why you didn’t feel the need to fight back.

“I wouldn’t do that.” She breathed out, face inches from yours. You let out a deep breath, not being able to hold her gaze. Your eyes fell down to her lips and you bit yours instead, trying to resist the urge to kiss her.

She pulled back releasing your hand, her back against the door, one leg crossed on the seat above the other. She covered her face with both her hands, groaning in frustration.

“I knew I shouldn’t have called you.”

You didn’t know what to say. You felt terrible. You leaned back in your seat, looking at the steering wheel absentmindedly. Your breathing was finally back to normal after several minutes of silence, as both of you reflected on your words and actions. Bada’s hands had now fallen under her eyes and gradually away from her face. Her thumb was brushing against her lower lip as her phone started vibrating again. You closed your eyes, not wanting to see or hear anything. She looked at the screen for a few moments before she decided to decline the call.

“I’ll drive you home.” You mumbled quietly, your voice almost cracking. She only nodded, sitting back in her seat and pulling at the seat belt. The rest of the drive was quiet. You only paid attention to the road ahead, which was already a lot of effort for your clouded mind. Bada would look at you from time, you could see it, but she wouldn’t say a thing. Thinking it would help you focus easier on driving, you turned the music back on. The song that stopped when you turned off the engine in the parking lot started playing again. The song she chose, a stupid cheesy song she would sing to you sometimes. You turned it off, as it did more damage than good to you.

You stopped the car in front of her apartment building after twenty minutes of silence. You didn’t dare to look at her. You didn’t dare to look at your own reflection in her eyes.

“Let’s go inside.” She said in a gentle voice that sounded nothing like before. You were tempted, very tempted to do so. But you knew that if you did, that fight would have been for nothing. You knew she could fool you again with a few kisses.

“You should rest.” You answered. She sighed. She waited for you to look at her, make any gesture in her direction, but you never did. She leaned forward, placing a goodbye kiss on your hair like she would after every date. You closed your eyes, feeling tears clouding your vision. She got out of the car and you looked after her only by the time she had her back to you. You stood there in silence, feeling like the loneliest person in the world. You saw her enter the building, then saw her again by the bedroom window after she got to her apartment. You knew she saw you too. The pastries you had bought on your way to the police station were cold and untouched on the backseat.

[russellsppttemplates]

Hiii i love your work, for blurb night I was wondering if you could write something about babysitting someone’s kids with one of the drivers and someone in public mistakes you for parents bc they are unaware of you the driver is and you guys look like a cute family. It’s okay if not. Thank you in advance !!!!

Note: I have the biggest baby fever right now and I saw many cute videos that had Lando with kids, and I can't stop thinking about them, but since I have written a lot for him today, I'm doing Charles. For the plot of this, I gave him a niece, so let's pretend Charlotte and Lorenzo had a kid!

"Don't you look cute in that hat, Céline?", you cooed as you made sure it covered her head properly and that is wasn't too tight around her neck.

Charlotte and Lorenzo once joked about how the ideal Christmas present for them would be someone willing to look after their daughter for a few days as they took the time to have a little trip to enjoy just the two of them. You and Charles, however, weren't joking when you said you'd happily take Céline for the week while they recharged their batteries. Today, since it was sunny, you and Charles decided it would be nice to go to the park.

"Let's go, then!", Charles cheered, pulling the stroller closer to you so you could strap her in safely before you left your place.

"We are going to see the duckies - do you like duckies, Céline? And we can just sit in there and make some flowers bracelets, too, auntie Y/N will teach us", Charles spoke as you walked to the park, a few people noticing him but thankfully not making a big scene out of it.

"I keep thinking about the ice cream parlour, hopefully they gave my favourite", you admitted, kissing his cheek, "but the duckies are a great selling point, too", you winked.

You had been sitting near the benches for a little while, flower chain bracelets already done as Céline started getting hungry, "how about I go get your ice cream and you start on her yogurt?", Charles suggested, kissing the top of your head and tickling the little girl's tummy before heading to the shop.

"That was a big one, baby girl!", you cooed as Céline ate all of the yogurt on the spoon, cleaning the remnants on her lips with the spoon before going back in on the pot when you were interrupted, "I'm sorry, dear", a female voice called.

Turning around, you saw a beautiful older woman, you guessed around her seventies, "this fell from your husband's pocket, and I bet your daughter would miss it soon", she said as she handed you the small stuffed toy Céline loved so much.

"Thank you so much, neither of us noticed and she would have made a fuss if we didn't have it back home", you smiled, "but we're not-", you were interrupted again by Céline's squeal when she saw Charles come back.

"Here's your ice cream, amour", Charles said as the lady smiled, "I was just bringing your daughter's toy back - it slipped from your pocket", she explained, sensing Charles' curiosity about her presence.

"Merci - can you say Merci, Céline?", he tried as the little girl babbled something that resembled the word.

"Enjoy them when they're this young, times truly flies by! You have such a beautiful family", she complimented before waving the three of you goodbye, joining who you presumed was her husband as they walked out of the park hand in hand.

"I tried correcting her but then you showed up", you said, "we are family, though", Charles reasoned, taking a spoonful of your ice-cream, "but I know what you mean. She's not wrong though, we look like a cute little family", he smiled.

"One day", you smiled, "one day, amour, we're going to have a little one of our own to squish a fill with love, won't we Céline? Do you want little cousins to play with?", he said as he took her into his lap, boucing her on his knee as she giggled loudly.

(Thank you for submitting an ask ✨️)

[halsteadlover]

Spaces Between Us

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested: yes by anon.

• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?

• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3

• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.

• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️

Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.

And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.

You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.

You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.

Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.

And that was exactly what happened with Jay.

You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.

Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.

Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.

You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.

You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.

But from this episode everything started to go downhill.

When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.

You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.

As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.

He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.

You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.

One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.

You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.

Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.

“Hi baby, you're finally here.”

Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.

He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.

A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.

But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.

God I don't recognize myself anymore.

“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.

You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.

He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.

At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”

You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.

You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.

“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.

“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”

“Just because you were there, love.”

“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.

What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.

You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.

Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?

Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.

You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.

This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.

You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.

Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.

“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.

What? Did I hear that correctly?

You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.

How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?

“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.

“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.

“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.

You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.

You couldn't believe it.

This was fucking unbelievable.

You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.

“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.

“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.

“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.

He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”

“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.

But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.

Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.

You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.

You hated everything.

When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.

“Where is Y/n?”.

Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”

“What? Why?”.

“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.

“What's going on guys?”.

“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”

“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.

Fucking hell.

He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.

That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.

You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.

You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.

You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.

This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.

On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.

The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.

That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.

“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.

Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.

You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.

“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”

He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.

“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.

“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”

Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.

What the fuck?

You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?

“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.

He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”

“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”

“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.

“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.

“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.

You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.

“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.

He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.

“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.

Your words hit him like a tsunami.

I’m tired of this relationship.

Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.

“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.

“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.

“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”

“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.

“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.

“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.

“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.

“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.

“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.

“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”

You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.

“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.

You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.

You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.

You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”

Did he hear that right?

It’s over.

He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.

“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.

You didn't want to see him anymore.

You didn't want him there anymore.

You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.

You tried to think through everything that had happened.

You and Jay broke up.

You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.

You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?

Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.

You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.

You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.

You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.

However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.

As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.

You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.

“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’m fine.“

“It doesn't seem like it…”

“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.

She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.

Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.

“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”

You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.

And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.

He was furious.

So angry.

He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.

He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.

It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.

He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.

What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?

It's over.

Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.

How could you have done that? How could you have left him?

He was so fucking furious.

“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.

He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.

This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.

“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.

It's over.

Why?

Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.

He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.

You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.

He was shocked.

He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.

He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.

His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.

He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.

By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.

He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.

Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.

Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.

“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.

Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.

“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.

Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.

“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.

He couldn't function if you weren't there.

How was he supposed to do it?

-

The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.

Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.

Empty.

Lost.

That's how he felt.

And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.

The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.

He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.

After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.

He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.

He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.

But it was too late.

You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.

He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.

He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.

Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.

“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”

These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.

He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.

The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.

Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.

He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.

His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.

A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.

Fuck he missed you so much.

How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?

He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.

Jay struggled to recognize himself.

He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.

He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.

He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.

You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.

The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.

He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.

What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.

What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.

What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.

What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.

And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.

He had never left a single plate full.

And that was the difference between you and him.

You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?

It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.

He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.

Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.

The truth was that he was scared as hell.

He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.

He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.

Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.

“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.

“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”

“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.

“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”

Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”

“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.

“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”

Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.

He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.

“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.

“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”

“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.

Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”

So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.

Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.

Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.

Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.

Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.

“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.

But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.

What have Jay done to you?

In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.

It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.

You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.

You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.

The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.

You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.

But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.

And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.

You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.

No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.

You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.

It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.

You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.

And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.

He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.

Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.

But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.

You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.

You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.

“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”

You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.

“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.

Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.

I hate you Jay Halstead.

And I also love you so damn much.

“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”

You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.

She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.

You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.

“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”

“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.

How did she know exactly how you felt?

You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.

“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.

“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”

“Was I stupid to leave him?”.

“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”

“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.

“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.

“Well, love sucks right now.”

You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.

“Yes, please.”

“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.

“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.

“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.

“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right now and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”

-

You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.

You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.

You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.

What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?

No, no, no, fuck no.

These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.

It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.

Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.

Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.

You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.

“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?

You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.

You couldn't take it anymore.

It was getting unbearable.

You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.

You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.

And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.

When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.

You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.

Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.

And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.

Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.

When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.

You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.

“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.

“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.

You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.

You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.

Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.

“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.

“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.

“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.”

With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.

“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.

There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.

“Call the police.”

It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.

“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.

God, did you look that bad?

Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.

You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.

Jay.

You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.

“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.

You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?

You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.

Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.

It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.

He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.

You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.

But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.

Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.

Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?

The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.

He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Repentance.

Emptiness.

Anger.

Pain.

The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.

It's over.

Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.

And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.

He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.

It was all his fault.

His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.

He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.

But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.

He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.

You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?

You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.

“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”

“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.

“Jay, man, look at me please.”

But he didn't.

He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.

Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.

He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.

He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How is she?”.

Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”

It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.

For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.

He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.

He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.

He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.

“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.

“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.

“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.

Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”

Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”

“Excuse me?”.

“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”

Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.

But damn, was he right.

He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.

He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.

He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.

All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.

Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.

He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.

For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.

Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.

Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.

If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.

It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.

He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.

“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”

He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”

“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”

“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”

Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.

Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”

He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”

“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.

He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.

“Last time I checked, yes.”

“Thank you Stella.”

Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.

“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”

“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”

Stella nodded. “Now go.”

When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.

He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.

He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.

Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?

He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.

He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.

Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.

So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.

Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.

It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.

You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.

The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.

But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.

“Jay…”

You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.

You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.

How long was he there?

He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?

“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”

Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.

You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.

He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.

You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.

Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.

He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.

Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.

You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.

He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.

“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.

A little hope lit up inside him.

You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.

God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.

“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.

He took them and as he did it your hands touched.

You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.

“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.

You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.

“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.

You were still processing what was happening.

Jay was at your house.

Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.

You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.

You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.

Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.

“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.

“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.

You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.

“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.

“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.

You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.

Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.

Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.

“You can sit Jay.”

He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.

He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.

“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.

Fucking dumbass.

You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.

“Always.”

“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”

He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.

You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.

You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.

With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.

He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.

“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”

You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.

Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.

“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.

“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.

“No, it was my…”

“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”

“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.

His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.

He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”

Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.

He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.

“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.

“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.

Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.

“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.

You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.

He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.

You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.

“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.

“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.

“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.

“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.

“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”

His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.

“Let me decide that.”

“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because you didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”

“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.

“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”

You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.

“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”

His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.

“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.

Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.

“Why didn't you answer?”.

“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”

“But what if it was important?”.

“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”

“But…”

“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.

You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.

“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”

He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.

“Because it's something that bothers you.”

“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”

“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”

“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”

“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”

You looked at him with shock.

Who the hell was this man?

“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”

“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”

“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”

Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”

You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.

Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.

Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.

But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.

You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.

You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.

You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.

You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.

“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”

You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.

“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.

“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”

“I know and you have every right to.”

“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.

His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”

“Really?”.

He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”

“What made you come here today?”.

“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”

You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.

“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”

“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”

“Indeed it is…”

“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”

Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.

God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.

“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.

You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”

Please just say yes baby.

You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.

He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.

Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?

“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.

“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”

You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.

“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”

“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”

He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.

You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.

“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.

“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.

“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”

“Why?”.

“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”

You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.

“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.

He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.

You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.

“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”

You laughed, your heart now lighter.

You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.

You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.

And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.

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[rayslittlekitten]

All Eyes On You

A/N: Okay, it's finally done. This did not go where I had initially imagined it but I mostly like how this came out. I think it's kinda different from what I've written in the past. I tried to make this PWP and Jax being savage but I always add softness to Jax. I can't help it. Also, I don't know how porn sets are so, yeah. Didn't want to focus too much on the logistics of all that. Also, clearly this is AU. Hope this doesn't disappoint.

Rating: E (18+ ONLY)

Word Count: 3,597

Pairing: Pornstar!Jax x Pornstar!F!Reader

Plot: Getting railed by Jax Teller is only one of the perks of your job.

Contains: porn star/shooting porn, sex work, some D/s dynamics, sex (PiV), oral sex (F and M receiving), exhibitionism, voyeurism, degradation, humiliation, name-calling (slut, whore), light spanking, light choking, dirty talking, masturbation, praising (good girl), cream pie, a quick moment of edging if you squint, aftercare

"We need to find more honest ways of living."

Since Jax became President, he has wanted to steer the club away from the guns and other underground dealings. He was open to all ideas and for him, no idea was a bad idea until it’s been tried. When his business partner running the SAMCRO-funded and protected porn production company jokingly suggested for Jax to star in a few movies, he actually considered it. Getting paid to have sex? He's already doing it for free. Everyone's gotta earn their keep, right? Would it be too degrading? He's supposed to be the leader and he's leading his club into selling their bodies, maybe even their dignity. Not to mention the conflict of interest. Still, he brought it up to the table anyway and they voted on it. Surprisingly most voted yes, although mostly for pure amusement. 

What started as a joke to them actually became one of their honest ways of earning. Well, at least for Jax. The others didn't have the balls to do it, but that didn’t stop them from reaping the benefits of tagging along with Jax whenever he had to go shoot some scenes. Money doesn't lie and when they saw their revenue continuously multiply shortly after his debut released, they knew they had a cash cow. Since then, Jax had dedicated a day each month to shooting his scenes. As long as he agrees with the script, he has no problem. Sometimes he'd even make suggestions. He gets producer credit for those as well.

His content is the most exclusive one they have so they strategically make less of it. Gotta keep teasing his fans. Besides, he actually enjoys the attention. If it was any possible, his ego has inflated to be bigger than his dick and that in itself says a lot. It was as if God himself designed him to be a porn star. It was so effortless for him.

Their business has expanded so they their talent pool did as well and let's just say there is no shortage of women  - and men - wanting a chance at fucking Jax Teller. You're just happy that you're one of them who made the cut.

Your legs are pushed back to your chest as Jax has his face in between your thighs. You toss and turn your head, feeling his tongue and lips licking and sucking your folds. As you look off camera, you notice there are so many pairs of eyes on you as you lay there naked, spread so wide for the whole world to see your pussy getting eaten out by Jax Teller, suddenly getting a rush. Jax flips you over on your belly and he yanks your hips back so you're on your knees with your ass popped up. He shoves his face back in and you push back, moaning when you feel the tip of his nose nudge your asshole. Jax moves away and aligns himself with you. He shoves his thick, hard cock inside of you and you yelp. 

You brace yourself on the bed and turn your head to look behind you, at Jax as he pounds away, already quickly building an orgasm. You notice someone in the far corner behind Jax touching himself through the front of his jeans and you make eye contact, or so you think. He's a bit under the shadows and a studio light is blinding you, but it doesn't matter. This man is turned on by you getting fucked and that's turning you on. You can feel yourself getting more arousd with each plunge Jax takes and each stroke the mysterious man makes.

"Fuck, you're so wet," Jax growls.

"I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum!" You warn and before you know it, your muscles contract on his cock and you moan out loud, maybe embellishing your cries just a little.

Jax continues to fuck you hard and fast, drawing out your orgasm.

"That's my girl," he praises and then smacks your ass.

"CUT! Let's get behind them and get a shot of her getting fucked from behind. Back in positions!" the director shouts.

"You alright?" Jax checks on you.

"Yeah, that was a good one," you breathe out while you wiggle your ass back into position, opening and exposing yourself to him and the camera.

"Think you can do that again, sweetheart?" he asks as his thumb slowly slides in and out of the entrance of your dripping slit, teasing you. 

You push back and mewl. Talents aren't supposed to engage in any sexual contact while cameras aren't rolling. Although it's not a perfect system, it helps to keep interactions professional and avoid unwanted advances. Fluffers exist for a reason. You and Jax are an exception though. You've been scene partners for a while now and are very comfortable with each other. You can't really say how it is for the other women he's done scenes with, but when you and Jax are fucking, you feel it in your soul and you know he can too. There's just this playful and cozy rapport between you two that allows you both to work together very well.

You swear Jax, the pleasure dom that he is - and what his onscreen alter ego is known for - always makes it a point to pull as many orgasms as he can out of you and you can't even fake yours. Not with him. He can tell when they're real but with him, you don’t even need to fake them. Your exes couldn't even figure out 10% of the ways Jax has learned the ins and outs of your body. Heck, he taught you a few things about your own body. 

Between cut and action are the times your pussy aches the most, missing the fullness of Jax's thick cock, stretching you out in all the best ways. People have said porn is fake, but it's not. Scripted? Sure, but it's not fake, at least not all of it. Actual penises are actually penetrating actual vaginas, assholes and mouths. You've sure tasted enough semen to know it's real. Your bruised cervix is more proof of it. Don't forget the sore jaw, but they're all worth it especially if it's all because of Jax. You're also reminded of why you love doing what you do when you notice all eyes on you and Jax again.

"Quiet on set!" the director warns. "Aaaand ACTION!"

You gasp when Jax shoves back into you without warning. He angles himself in favor of the camera, but pushes in deeper and faster. Your eyes wander again and find these two men wearing kuttes off to the side watching. You recognize the one you make eye contact with and you maintain it while getting railed. You've seen him around sometimes whenever Jax comes by. He smacks your ass and you yelp, pushing back against him, chasing another release. The man you're having a staring contest with shifts uncomfortably while adjusting the front of his jeans. You reach for your bare breasts and start pinching your nipples. Your hips stutter when you feel an orgasm close to sliding into home base. You clench and moan as you get closer and closer. 

"CUT! Okay that should be enough coverage. Moving on to uh..."

You growl in frustration when Jax stills his hips.

"Sorry, baby. I'd give you relief, but I think maybe we should save that for the camera," he teases as he makes his cock twitch while still inside you, making you cockwarm him between takes.

"Okay, so we're gonna transition to blowjob. Let's start from where we left off. Jax pulls out and then she turns around and sucks him off," the director tells the crew. "Then at some point, Jax, you put her on her back and go missionary."

You shudder suddenly when Jax spreads your juices around with the pad of his thumb and starts teasing your asshole with it, putting just the slightest pressure.

"Jax..." you pant.

"Shh. Be a good girl and hold it," he coos. ”Can you do that for me, baby?”

The line between fantasy and reality definitely blurs for the both of you sometimes, but you both also just enjoy each other that much. Finally they call action again and Jax starts giving you a few short shallow pumps, making you wail from relief, until he pulls out and spanks you.

"Come suck my dick," he commands, holding his cock out for you.

You manage to turn around so you're on your knees and elbows, face to face with his hard cock that's soaked in your juices. You immediately put your lips over his dark red tip and bob up and down, taking more and more of him each time you push in. As you jerk him, you ram his cock into the back of your throat, fitting as much of him as you can. Feeling your gag reflex surfacing, you encourage it to happen and then Jax fists your hair, pulling out a bit and pushing back in. 

“Danny, go in for the close up of her,” the director jumps in.

When the cameraman moves in, Jax palms the back of your head and you remove your hand to deep throat him again. He gently pushes your head down and you relax your throat, trying to get more of him. When you gag again, intentionally doing it audibly, he instantly lets go and you pull him out. He grabs your chin and tilts your face up so he can see it. Tears leak out of your eyes and spit from your puffy, slick lips.

"Look at you. So pretty," he praises.

His baby blues penetrate your misty eyes. You don't know if he's just a great actor or as charming as people claim he is, but you believe, at least in the moment, that he thinks you're pretty. You continue to look up at him, playing into the camera, as this is a close up.

"Get on your back," he tells you.

As you turn over and Jax climbs over you, the cameraman steps out of your personal space, returning back to a wider shot. Jax leans down and smashes his lips over yours. His hand comes up to your face and cradles the side of it as he deepens the kiss. You kiss back, slipping your tongue between his lips and licking his pearly whites. He opens up his mouth and intertwines his own tongue with yours, tasting each other. Breaking the kiss, he pulls back, kneels and brings one of your legs up to spread them without blocking the camera’s view. He taps his cock against your clit and then slides the tip up and down your slit, teasing you, causing you to moan and your hips to jerk. He finally pushes inside of you and you arch your back. He pumps away as he holds your leg up, the muscles of his tattooed back flexing with each push and pull.

“Are you gonna cum again?” he asks.

You prop yourself up on your elbows and look down at where you meet. Your fingers reach in and you start rubbing your clit.

“Fuck, yeah, keeping touching yourself,” he encourages. “I want to feel you cum all over my cock again.”

With your next orgasm reaching the edge, your eyes wander to the man in the shadows behind Jax again. You see his hand is now in his pants and he’s unabashedly rubbing one out to this whole scene. Maybe he doesn’t think you can see him. You rub yourself a little faster and his hand matches your pacing.

“Oh god…” you start as you get closer to popping.

Jax drives into you faster and harder and before you know it, the coil snaps inside you and you cry out and arch up, thrashing as you ride the wave. You’ve already lost count of how many you’ve had as you’ve been doing this with Jax on and off already for the last hour or so.

“CUT! Okay, I think we’re gonna get to the money shot now. Are you ready for that Jax?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he replies. “Can we get five?”

“Alright. Let’s do five!” the director shouts.

As the crew breaks, you let your legs fall to the sides and stretch out a bit while Jax slips off the bed, standing next to it. He starts massaging your hips and helps you rotate your leg one at a time.

“How do you feel? Do you need a longer break?”

“No, I’m good. Let’s just finish this,” you reply. “You really like to stretch me out. It’s like I’m getting a yoga session in whenever we pair up. In fact, it’s probably good for my body.”

“Here we go, biiiig stretch,” he says as he throws one of your legs over, twisting your torso and applying firm pressure on your thigh, stretching out your lower back and glutes. Then he does the same with the other side.

A satisfying moan rumbles from your throat as you feel your muscles loosening.

"Are you ready to show everyone what a fucking star you are?" Jax asks as you straighten your body out.

Your smile reaches your eyes and that tells Jax all he needs to know. You sit up and then bring your legs behind you to kneel on the bed. Jax licks his lips as he looks at you with an equally proud smirk. While biting your lower lip, you reach down and start stroking his semi-hard cock, bringing it back to life.

As people start returning to set, the director checks on the both of you.

“Just another minute,” Jax winks at the director as you continue to jerk him.

“Alright, everyone in your places!” 

You start changing up your pace and technique, making him hiss and groan.

“Lay back,” Jax directs you and you fall back to return to your previous position.

He climbs back onto the bed and repositions you to the same one he put you in before the break and pushes into you, your dampness still so present. Your body melts, feeling so delightfully full again. 

“Are we rolling?” the director asks. After confirmation, he calls action.

Jax pumps a few times into you, getting you both back on track. He pushes your leg back even more, spreading you out and changing his angle. When it feels like the right time, he then switches positions, curling up behind you and slipping himself back inside you, still holding your leg up and back.

His other hand snakes up to the front of your throat and he pulls your head back. You can hear him panting right into your ear as he thrusts away, You couldn’t be anymore exposed right now with your legs splayed open so wide and Jax fucking you from behind. Only way this could get better is if you had a few more cocks to fill your other holes.

“Look at all those people looking at you,” Jax grunts quietly into your ear, meant only for you and not the camera. “Watching you being such a fucking slut for me.”

His words just about pushed you closer to yet another orgasm which you know is the intentions behind them. You push back against him, trying to match his thrusts and get a deeper penetration as you glance over at all the people watching you. Jax starts pinching your nipple and you feel it shoot down below your belly.

“They’re memorizing how your juicy pussy looks and sounds as I pound into you. Imagining it’s their cock your pussy is gripping. The sexy sounds you make every time I stroke you just right. How shameless you are and loving every fucking second of it.” Jax’s dirty talk is rapidly fueling your next release and it’s evident as the wet sounds get even louder.

"I bet those perverts are gonna sniff these sheets after the shoot too just to feel a little closer to you."

Nothing gets you off more than knowing the power you know you have over your viewers. The thrill of them watching you getting stretched out and brazenly defiled especially when they need to jerk off to you, imagining they are the ones balls deep inside you. You don't get to see most of your actual audience but the thought is enough to intoxicate you. It also helps that Jax knows how you bring the inner slut out of you. The dirtier it gets, the more you want. You're putting on a different kind of show than what your viewers may think. You're not doing this for them; you're doing this purely for yourself, getting off on these people watching you on display.

“They’re storing it in their spank bank for later and when they need to rub one out, they’ll pull it right up, jerking themelves and cumming to you because you so desperately need to get fucked like a whore over and over again, cumming all over every cock that fills up your pussy,” Jax adds as he punches up into you, your ass slapping against the top of his thighs. The squelching increases with each thrust, pushing your arousal out of you.

You also get a different kind of rush from being so sexually freeing. The blood rushes to your face and your groin when you suddenly feel like you’ve been caught doing something so naughty. Shamefully being shameless as your holes get stuffed over and over again. Embarrassed to be seen in such a state but at the same time not wanting to stop because it just feels so damn good to the point you don’t care who is watching.

"You're gonna give me one more?" Jax asks as he continues to pound into you. “Huh, baby?”

He hooks his arm under your knee to hold it back, spreading you even wider and this time, it’s his long slender fingers that dip down between your legs to rub your clit. 

"Come on, baby. Cum on my cock again," he encourages. “Just one more time.”

You slam your hips back against him, chasing your next release. Between his fingertips digging into the sides of your neck, the sweet filthy words spilling into your ear and him driving his hard, thick and long cock into your cunt, your body is already close to the end, but now him rubbing your swollen clit, it launches you right over to the line.

“Be a good girl and cum for me,” he grits.”Cum for me, you fucking slut.”

With that, your eyes roll back and you cry out. You are convulsing over him, your walls clamping down hard over his cock. 

“That’s it! That’s my fucking girl,” he growls.

His pacing maintains even after you stop flopping around.

“Fuck, baby, I’m gonna cum too,” Jax pants, and then lets out a low moan as he empties himself inside you.

“Great! Danny, make sure you get a close up of the cream pie shot,” the director reminds him.

After Danny quickly repositions himself, Jax slowly pulls out of you and slaps your clit a few times, making you shudder. His hand reaches between your legs and spreads your lips open. You bear down and push his seed out of you. It leaks out of you and runs down to the crack of your ass. With your juices mixed in with his, he coats your lips with it using his fingers and runs it over your clit as well before sliding his fingers inside you, gently pushing it back in.

Jax turns your head to face him and leans in to kiss you tenderly. 

“Okay, that’s a wrap! Let’s break and clean up for the next shoot.” 

You continue to lazily make out with him, even well after cut was called. As the crew works around you and Jax, you stay lying in bed for a few more moments while stretching your muscles. Jax slips some shorts on and re-joins you, cuddling and spooning you after draping your robe over your naked body.

“Jax!” you giggle as he kisses a trail up the back of your shoulder and neck.

It’s almost unheard of but Jax always gives you aftercare after every shoot, especially the ones where it gets a bit degrading and painful. He does that with all his scene partners, but sometimes you like to imagine he only does it with you. Your mind starts drifting, falling into this comfortable and peaceful lull as he runs his fingers up and down your body that’s cocooned in his.

“Hey,” he nudges the tip of his nose against the back of your ear as he inhales your scent, waking you from your state.

“Hm?” you reply drowsily.

Then Jax finally pops the question you never thought he’d ask.

"You think you're ready for your first gang bang?" Jax asks.

Suddenly getting your second wind, you twist your body to face him and plant a kiss on his cheek, his smile now matching yours as your heart now grows full.

“Really?!” you ask as your eyes light up.

“I’ll even let you pick out your partners.”

Unable to contain your excitement, you squeal as your smile widens even more. 

“Okay, I think we should go get cleaned up and get outta here before they have to kick us out,” he suggests. “I’m laying on a wet spot.”

Jax affectionately boops the tip of your nose with this finger and then kisses your forehead before helping you out of bed.

[st-eve-barnes]

Moan for me (modern Aegon x fem Reader)

Summary: After yet another horrible date leaves you horny and alone your roommate Aegon takes care of your needs.

Or: the one where Aegon wants to prove he's better than your vibrator.

I posted this fic a couple of weeks ago but it got blocked by Tumblr and was no longer visible for anyone but me so this is a repost!

Warning: 18+ for smut and explicit language. Fingering, oral (female receiving, p in v, mentions of masturbation.

This is porn without plot and it was written quickly so forgive me for any grammar mistakes! I just had to get this out there so I can focus on my series again ;)

Word count: +2700

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

It wasn’t that you cared about being stood up, it was nothing new and you hadn’t even been into the guy all that much to begin with. But he was easy on the eyes and it had been too long since you’d been with anyone.

You were craving sex, badly, but you didn’t want to fuck someone who was a total moron. And all guys you had met with lately had turned out to be idiots, it was like the powers-that-be had made it their priority to have you meet every single loser on this planet and you were so tired of it.

Take this guy tonight for example.

What started as an innocent discussion about the Barbie movie had quickly become a heated argument that had uncovered layers of misogyny you weren’t prepared to deal with, not even for a quick -no doubt totally unsatisfying- fuck.

But it hadn’t changed the fact that you were still horny as hell and your chance at finally getting dicked down had just walked out the door.

You walked home feeling frustrated and looking forward to another night with your vibrator, who knew you better than any guy at this point and was also much better in satisfying your needs. Still, it wasn’t the same, you missed the skin on skin contact and the feeling of an actual human being underneath or on top of you.

You opened the door to your shared apartment and found one of your roommates in the living room. 

Aegon was wearing sweatpants and a wrinkled t-shirt while he was absentmindedly browsing through Netflix, taking up the entire couch. 

“You’re home early,” he stated, not taking his eyes off the tv,”Date didn’t go as planned?”

“You could say that,” you sighed,”What are you doing in? It’s Friday night, shouldn’t you be out picking up some random girl in a bar somewhere?”

“Couldn’t be bothered tonight,” he shrugged.

“You’re not missing much anyway,” you took off your shoes and plopped yourself down onto the other couch.

“That bad, huh?” he moved to sit up so he could look at you,”What happened?”

“I do not wanna talk about it.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

You shared the apartment with Helaena and her brother Aegon. Helaena had been your best friend for years and Aegon had joined you both earlier last year. You two had clicked right away, his open and fun personality made him really easy to talk to and you had grown comfortable around him much quicker than you usually did with other people. 

He was the typical party boy, going out every chance he got and bringing home different girls every week, but they all knew what they were in for with him and by the screams and moans coming out of his bedroom not a lot of girls complained. 

You always considered him off limits because he was your best friend’s brother and it would make things awkward as fuck between the three of you. But tonight your horniness was winning and you couldn’t help but look at him with lust in your eyes.

Aegon was pretty, dreamy blue eyes and long curly blond hair and a smile that would melt any girl’s heart. He wasn’t ripped but he was fit and the sweatpants he was wearing tonight weren’t leaving much to the imagination. It didn’t help your already fragile state.

“You alright there?” Aegon asked when he noticed you staring.

“Fine,” you sighed,”Just…getting a little tired of spending another night with my vibrator.”

That statement got Aegon’s attention and he stared at you shamelessly.

“I mean, it gets the job done,” you continued oversharing,”But…it’s just not the same.”

Aegon nodded quietly.”How long has it been?” he then asked.

“Seven months,” you confessed.

He clicked his tongue,”Damn, oh babe, you must be frustrated as fuck.”

“Yeah, no shit,” you laughed and stood from the couch,”With that information…any sounds you hear coming out of my room tonight, just ignore it, okay? I may get a bit loud.”

Aegon nodded his head and swallowed hard.

“Hey, wait,” he stopped you before you could leave the room.

“What?”

He licked his lips while he looked up at you,”You don’t have to…I mean, I’m right here…I could…take care of you tonight.”

Your mouth opened in shock and you only now realized what you’d just shared with him,”Oh, I didn’t meant to…shit, I wasn’t trying to…”

“I know you weren’t,” he quickly reassured you,”But…I’m offering.”

He stood from the couch and took a few steps closer to you, looking into your eyes.

“I bet I can make you cum harder than your vibrator can,” he then whispered with a cheeky grin on his lips.

“Are you sure? He’s pretty good at finding my weak spots,” you teased,”It might be a challenge.”

“One I willingly accept, if you let me,” he took another step closer, his face mere inches away from yours now and you got lost in his blue eyes.

Your pussy was screaming yes let’s do this but your mind was a little more hesitant.

“Aegon…we’re roommates, I don’t know if we should…”

“I won’t be weird about it if you aren’t, it would just be a friend helping out another friend. We’re friends, right?”

You nodded,”Yeah, we’re friends.”

“Well, I can see that my friend is clearly frustrated and that she just needs a hand tonight,” while he spoke those last words he placed his hand on your inner thigh, rubbing softly and slowly moving up higher underneath your dress until his fingers reached the hem of your panties.

You didn’t pull away but your cheeks flushed at the intimate contact.

“What kind of friend would I be if I just left her to suffer like this, hmm?” he teased in a soft voice. His fingers moved up over your clothed pussy, feeling how soaked you were right through the fabric.

“Oh, sweetheart, you’re practically dripping all over me,” he whispered while his lips curled up into an amused smile.

“Aegon,” you whimpered.

“You want me to stop?” he asked.

You quickly shook your head and your hand wrapped around his arm, fingers digging into his skin while you let your head fall down onto his shoulder. Aegon took that as confirmation you wanted him to continue and he slowly started moving his fingers, circling your clit through your panties. 

“Look at you all needy and wet. I’d be a really bad friend if I didn’t help you out, wouldn’t I?” his lips found their way to your neck, leaving soft open mouthed kisses on your skin. 

You couldn’t hold back your moan. It had been so long since someone touched you like this. Your hips were bucking into his hands, already desperate for more contact and Aegon knew not to waste time with you. His fingers slipped underneath your panties, spreading you wetness through your folds and then back up to play with your clit. You were embarrassingly close to falling apart already.

“That feel good, sweetheart?” he breathed in between kissing your neck and your jaw,”Was this what you needed?”

“Yes,” you whimpered, burying your face into the crook of his neck to muffle your moans. You gasped when he pushed a finger into your wetness and Aegon chuckled into your ear.

"Fuck, you're squeezing me so good already," he breathed, not hesitating to add another finger and fucking you with them agonizingly slowly.

He then moved you back towards the couch and pushed you down onto it, you whined at the loss of his fingers but it was quickly forgotten when he sank down on his knees in front of you and pulled your panties down. His eyes meeting yours eagerly as he licked his lips slowly.

“Can I eat you out? Please?” he practically begged.

Your mouth opened and your breathing picked up instantly, you nodded your head. It had been a long time since anyone touched you like that but it had been even longer since anyone had done that to you. 

Your eyes closed in a heavy sigh when Aegon started kissing the inside of your knee and then your thighs, his hands spreading you open for him slowly while he made his way up higher and higher. You felt exposed and naked under his gaze but you didn’t care, the feel of his soft lips and his hot tongue on your skin made you forget everything else and the anticipation was making your head spin.

Your hand moved into his hair, caressing him softly and he hummed against your skin. Your free hand grasped the edge of the couch when his mouth finally landed on your clit.

“Fuck,” you breathed when he started licking your folds, teasing your entrance with the tip of his skilled tongue.

You knew he’d be good at this but you still weren’t ready for it to feel that good. Your muscles were tensing up, heat coiling in your belly already and your entire body was trying to fight it.

“Shhh, relax,” Aegon purred while he placed a few innocent kisses to your clit, his hands caressing the inside of your thighs,”Remember to breathe, sweetheart.”

You did as he asked, taking a few deep breaths and telling your body to surrender to him. When he continued kissing and licking your pussy your mind finally shut down and allowed yourself to submit to him and the pleasure he was giving you.

“That’s it, my sweet girl,” Aegon encouraged you,”Just lay back and let me take care of you.”

When he started fucking you with his tongue you knew you wouldn’t last much longer and you pulled his hair to indicate you were close. Aegon picked up instantly and when his thumb circled your clit again you began your descent.

He held you down when your legs started shaking around him, fucking you deeper and faster, your juices spilling all over his eager tongue and when he moaned into it you came so hard you almost blacked out.

Your moans and heavy breathing filled the room for a long time after that and Aegon took his time to lick you clean and let you come down from your high. When he eventually moved back up his lips were curled into a smug, satisfied grin. Your hand was still in his hair and you used it to pull him into you, licking your own arousal from his lips. Aegon was quick to push his tongue into your mouth and kiss you, deep and hungry.

You pulled at his sweatpants, your hands grabbing his ass and pulling him down onto the couch with you. He was quick to help you and take them off, letting his hard cock spring free against your inner thigh.

“Fuck me,” you begged and your eagerness made him moan into your mouth.

“Yeah?” he asked,”You sure, baby?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” you bit down on his bottom lip,”I fucking need you, now, Aegon.”

It was all you needed to say, he wrapped his free hand around his already leaking cock and gave a few hard strokes before aligning himself with your entrance. 

“Wait, you’re clean, right?” your brain kicked in at just the right time.

Aegon nodded,”I’m clean, promise. You?”

“On the pill,” you explained.

“Music to my ears,” Aegon grinned and then he was pushing into you slowly, both of you moaning in unison now.

He took his time, letting you adjust to his size before he started moving. Having him inside you was the best feeling in the world and you couldn’t believe you hadn’t done this with him much sooner.

Aegon pinned you down onto the couch and started fucking you, slowly, while keeping his eyes locked on yours.

“Fuck,” you whined, tangling your fingers into his hair while your eyes rolled back into your head.

He pulled down your dress, revealing your breasts and taking one of them into his mouth while he kept pounding into you. The feeling of him stretching you to the core while he sucked on your nipple was overwhelming and quickly sending you towards another climax.

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good around my cock,”Aegon breathed against your skin, moving up to your neck again,”Always fucking knew you’d feel so good.”

He grazed your skin with his teeth and then kissed your lips again, hard and desperate this time as he picked up the pace with his hips, slamming into you and knocking the air out of your lungs.

“I could fucking hear you, you know?” he then whispered in between kissing you,”When you play with that vibrator of yours…your moans go straight through my wall, driving me fucking insane every time.”

You whimpered at his confession, wrapping your arm around his neck to hold him close to you.

“I jerked off so many times to the sound of your sweet moans, did you know that?” he continued while breathing into your ear,”Nothing makes me cum as hard as you do, I bet you didn’t know that, huh?”

You shook your head and bit your lip, keeping your eyes on him. He was breathing so hard, his cheeks flushed, his lips burning red from kissing you and the rest of your arousal still on his face. He had never looked prettier than he did right now. You cupped his cheek and he leaned into your touch eagerly, kissing the inside of your hand and then moving down to kiss your lips again.

You could lose yourself in his kiss, get addicted to his taste so easily if you allowed yourself. You quickly pushed that thought to the back of your mind.

“Fuck me harder, Aegon,” you whispered into his ear, making him grunt into your mouth and he did as you asked, pushing you deeper into the couch with every snap of his hips.

“Like that?” he breathed,”Oh, you like it when it hurts a little, huh?”

“Yes,” you moaned, dragging your nails over his back,”Yes, don’t stop, please.”

He took hold of your hips to keep you still and fuck you even deeper while he kissed your neck and your jaw. Sloppy, wet kisses leaving a trail all over your skin. You were close, so close, the built up tension almost too much to bear, you needed to let go.

“Aegon,” you begged, not even sure for what but Aegon seemed to understand anyway. He moved one hand down in between your legs, fingers brushing over your clit, fast small circles that pushed you right over the edge. Your entire body convulsed with pleasure.

“That’s it, sweetheart, moan for me,” he breathed, closing his eyes in a heavy grunt, feeling his own climax closer and closer,”Cum for me, please…cum for me, baby…oh, fuck.”

He spilled inside of you as soon as you started clenching around him and you took every last drop he had to offer you. Aegon kissed you through your orgasm, both of you swallowing each others moans and clinging to each other as the last wave of it passed through you. Afterwards he buried his face against your shoulder, kissing the skin he’d bruised earlier.

It took a few minutes to calm down your breathing and to stop your body from shaking. You could feel Aegon laugh against your neck and you couldn’t help but laugh with him. Every ounce of frustration you had felt earlier today was fucked out of you.

“So, was I better than your stupid vibrator?” he asked with a smug grin, already knowing the answer before you confirmed it.

You nodded,”So…much…better.”

He kissed your shoulder again and smiled sweetly,”Good. Next time you feel horny you come to me and I’ll take care of it.”

You looked at him and narrowed your eyes,”Next time?”

He gently moved a few locks of hair from your face and tucked them behind your ear, caressing your cheek in the process.”Maybe next time you’ll let me use that thing on you and get the best of both worlds,” he then teased with a smirk,”Would you like that, sweetheart?”

The fire he had just put out in you was suddenly making some new sparks and you bit your lip and stared into his eyes. “Why wait until next time when we can go do that right now?”

Aegon was up from the couch within seconds, pulling you with him and into your bedroom.

[kitty-tea]

The bad girl gets what she deserves

Read part 2 here!

(Link to masterlist)

Pairing: Cedric Diggory x fem!Reader

NSFW 18+ only! This is mostly filthy smut with some plot

A/N: Hi, I just had this random idea for the story pop up in my head out of nowhere about how the bad girl seduces the good boy. I thought I’d choose Cedric to write about since I haven’t seen a whole lot of fanfics about him. And since he’s already a Hufflepuff, I decided to make the reader a Slytherin, they’re my two favorite houses. This is really the filthiest one-shot I’ve ever written for now, I might write more I don’t know.

Summary: After Cedric finds a note in his bag, he makes it his mission to find out who sent it.

Word count: 4.1k

Warnings/tags: nsfw, minors DNI, smut, sexual content, porn with a hint of plot, oral sex, masturbation, rule breaking, 18+ only, p in v sex, orgasm denial, bathtub sex, nudity, reader is a bad girl, Cedric and reader are of age, Slytherin/Hufflepuff house rivalry, teasing, swearing

I probably missed some stuff, but this is what I was able to come up with for now.

Meet me in the Prefects’ bathroom after dinner.

-XOXO

There were many unanswered questions going through Cedric Diggory’s mind as he held the little note in his hand. He thought it had to be meant for someone else and it accidentally ended up in his possessions until he turned it over and there was a heart drawn around his name. He had never gotten a note of this nature in his life. He mostly stuck to hanging out with the students from his house, so it had to be one of them. A more broad and logical explanation was that it was just someone who knew the password. He concluded in his mind.

He had already come up with a list of names by the time he walked over to the Great Hall to join his friends for dinner.

The main question was, how did this person slip it into his school bag without him noticing? Of course. It was obvious. Cedric had Quidditch practice today. That’s how this person was able to put the note in his bag without him noticing.

“Hi Cedric!” One of the first year students in his house waved at him, smiling ear to ear. One of the things Cedric loved about being in Hufflepuff was how close the students from different years seemed to be compared to the other houses.

He discreetly put the note in his pocket and waved back at the younger boy. Scanning his eyes along the Hufflepuff table to catch if anyone was staring at him, he took a seat.

“How was practice today?” The younger student asked Cedric. “We all saw you out there. We all think you’re gonna win the next match!”

“Yeah go Cedric!” Another student hooted from a few seats down. He responded with a thumbs up.

“It was good.” He answered. He was about to dig into his plate when he caught what the first year said. This was his opportunity to get another clue about the identity of the person who wrote the note. “Wait. You were at practice? Did you see anyone going inside or coming out of the changing rooms besides the team?”

The student froze and then looked around in all directions as if someone was watching him. “No. I mean, not that it would be my business. We were just there to watch the team.” He laughed nervously.

Cedric thought there was something the kid wasn’t telling him, but he dismissed that thought. He was going to find out who sent the note eventually, prank or not.

“Hi Cedric.” The entire Hufflepuff table seemed to hold their breath as he heard a voice behind him. He saw the younger student’s eyes go wide. Cedric’s breath hitched in his throat as his eyes met yours. He felt his cheeks heat up as he realized his face was leveled with your chest with the way he was sitting. He knew he wasn’t the only one that noticed it as you smirked at him.

For most of his time at Hogwarts, Cedric had tried to stay out of the way of the Slytherins due to their reputation as bullies, but with you, he just couldn’t do it. Being in the same year and having the same preferences for school subjects, you had most of your classes with him.

The other kids warned him about being scared of you, so he felt nervous around you. There would be times where he’d catch you looking in his direction, and instead of looking away with a blush and a giggle like the other girls, he’d find himself taken aback by how you’d maintain eye contact and bat your lashes as if daring him to look away first.

“What are you doing here?” A student from your year asked you in a warning sort of way.

You rolled your eyes. “Can’t I just wish good luck to another team without being interrogated?”

“Why would you wish us good luck?” The same student frowned at you. “Our team is playing against yours. In case you forgot.”

“Well, it’s not against rules of friendly competition to wish good luck to the opponents. In case you forgot.” Cedric couldn’t stop the grin from popping out of his face at your wit.

“Anyways,” you said with a wave of your hand as if you got a minor inconvenience out of the way. “I came to wish Cedric good luck.”

“Me? Why me?” Cedric turned his whole body outside the bench so that his knees were almost touching you.

“Because you’re the Seeker and Captain. You’re a very important player.” You purred.

You leaned down and lightly placed your hands on his knees. If he thought you didn’t make him any more nervous, he was wrong. This was the first time he had the chance to see your face this close. He could feel his heart racing as his eyes involuntarily went to your lips.

He felt his breathing become shallower than it already was as you leaned into his ear. “I’ve seen the way your little friends look up to you. Not to put more pressure on you, but if I were them, I would want the best for my hero.”

“Th-Thanks?” Was all that could come out of his mouth. You leaned back away from his ear to take a look at his flushed face.

“Of course. Good luck. And see you later.” You winked and got up before leaving the Great Hall.

Did you just flirt with him? You had to be. You weren’t as shy and quiet as the girls in Hufflepuff. You were a Slytherin, but he could see how you embodied a bit of the traits from other houses too. You had the boldness of a Gryffindor, the wit of a Ravenclaw, and you were as hardworking as the Hufflepuffs even though you weren’t shy.

He’d seen you being flirty around the boys in your house, not that it led to anything serious. Sometimes, he wondered how your relationship would have been had you been sorted into the same house. You would’ve become good friends with him, Cedric was sure of it.

As you got older and started sharing more class with him, he noticed little things about you he never thought about. Like how when you would get into trouble with the other Prefects, you’d get into fights with them, but whenever Cedric would catch you breaking the rules, it was like you were a whole different person with the way you’d accept whatever punishment he had to give you with a smirk.

To have your attention be focused on him, had him feeling some type of way he never felt with any other girl who flirted with him. He thought you were one of the most beautiful girls in school, but your reputation for also being one of the most intimidating Slytherins was what set you apart from those other beautiful girls. In other words, he didn’t think he had a chance with you.

“Who cares what she thinks, Cedric. We’re gonna be the best team at our match!” One of his teammates exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

“Yeah, she’s just a big meanie.” Another first year boy said.

“Don’t worry guys. I won’t let you down.” Cedric patted him on the head and gave a reassuring smile.

—

Gripping the note inside his pocket, Cedric made his way past the other students around him, going off to the library to catch up on studying or to retire to their common rooms. He needed to find out the identity of the person who wrote the note. Had it not contained a heart with his name on it, he wouldn’t be as suspicious of someone asking to meet somewhere as private as the Prefects’ bathroom.

Cedric kept a grip on his wand with his other hand while he considered the possibility that it could just be a prank. He was wise enough to know how to handle himself.

His grip on his wand tightened as he stood in front of the door to the bathroom and muttered the password.

You were the one he should have suspected from the beginning, Cedric realized as his eyes met yours.

“Hi, Cedric. I see you got the note I sent you.” You greeted him, taking a step closer to him. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he took in your appearance. He took a seat on one of the benches next to the large bathtub. “And no, it’s not a prank.”

He couldn’t and wouldn’t stop himself from letting his eyes wander around your body, covered by nothing but a towel. Your hair was up in a messy bun and droplets of water still clung to your skin.

“But h-how did you-” Cedric couldn’t finish his sentence, so you finished it for him.

“How did I put the note in your bag? Easy. During Quidditch practice I snuck into the changing room, and your little first year friends saw me. Had to make them shut up. Don’t worry. I didn’t hurt them. How did I get in here? That was much easier. I asked the new fifth year Prefect, Malfoy, for the password in exchange for getting me to buy cigarettes and alcohol for him. He’s quite insufferable, really. Not all of us in Slytherin can stand him. Especially the older ones.”

“I know.” You said nonchalantly, pouting your lips. “I’m setting a bad example for the younger students. But wouldn’t you have done the same?” You stepped closer to him and untucked his tie from his sweater. You were standing between his legs, leaning towards him. He couldn’t stop inhaling your intoxicating scent as it overtook him, leaving him unable to answer.

“Oh that’s right.” You flicked your eyes towards him and smirked. “You’re a good boy. You wouldn’t give in. Are you gonna turn me in? For being somewhere I’m not supposed to be?”

“Why did you get me to come here then?” Cedric took a deep breath. You continued to fidget with his tie.

“Isn’t it obvious?” You gently tugged on the piece of fabric to the point of your noses almost touching. He held his breath as he saw you lick your lips.

Before you gave him time to answer, you whispered, “It’s because I want to fuck you.” He knew girls talked about him like that behind his back based on what his guy friends reported to him, but he had never had anyone say that sentence to his face.

He was shocked and taken aback by your boldness, but also turned on. The erection that had been forming in his trousers throughout the entire conversation only confirmed it.

The fact that you weren’t even touching his skin made him whimper.

“What’s wrong, Cutie?” That nickname you used unlocked a part of Cedric that wanted to rip that flimsy towel off your body and plant his lips onto every inch of your skin until you were the one who was left speechless. But he could only do so much as stay still as you led the interaction.

“You’re acting like those other shy girls who flirt with you. Speaking of other girls, sorry if I’m not the one you were expecting. I’ll go get dressed.” You said, getting up to turn around.

“No! No!” Cedric didn’t want you to leave him.

You raised your eyebrows.

“Don’t get dressed!” He pleaded. “I mean… it’s alright, you can do what you want to, you don’t have to-”

“Sure. I won’t get dressed.” You smiled coyly.

“Sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck. “You could leave if you want. I’ll just be…” he stood up.

“But you know I don’t actually want to leave.” You turned and slid your hands down his chest. He could feel how fast his heart was pounding against your palm through the layers of fabric.

“Did you really mean what you said?” Cedric asked, referring to your bold statement from earlier.

“That I want to fuck you?” You slid your palms down further along his stomach until your fingertips lightly grazed the bulge in his trousers. He groaned at the contact.

“Have you got any idea how often I touch myself while thinking about you? Wanna know where in the school I’ve touched myself?”

Cedric groaned louder as he felt your palm squeeze him a little more firmly.

“I’d love to be able to hump my mattress and pillows more often, but I share a dorm with way too many people for my taste.” You didn’t stop palming his erection. “When I know everyone else is asleep, I’ll sneak into the common room, take a seat on the couch, and spread my legs. I can’t tell you how many times I made myself cum on the same spot shared by so many people. Too bad I had to stop after I was almost caught by that brat, Malfoy.”

“You alright?” You looked up into Cedric’s eyes. No, he was not alright because you stopped your movements. He didn’t want you to stop.

“Keep going.” He commanded.

You smirked as your eyes skimmed from his flustered expression to where your hand currently rested.

“I had to get more creative.” You continued. “I like using the broom closet after classes, too. Oh yeah, and the library. It’s so easy to find a quiet place in the corner. Luckily Madam Pince never checks on me because she thinks I’m so good at being quiet. Lately, I’ve been taking longer showers and you can guess why. You’re a smart boy.” He didn’t need to ask you to know that it was because of him.

“How long does it take?” Cedric was getting curious.

“It’s different every time. Last night, I made myself cum in the shower five times in thirty minutes. Oh, the things you do to a girl without even realizing it.”

He almost choked on his spit.

“What? I’m not shy about it.” You started to unbuckle his belt.

“One of my favorite things to do to myself in the shower is let the water run along my body while I let the soap lather up on my tits. I thought about the things I’d let you do to them, like squeezing them, sucking on them. Fuck, that’d feel so good.”

“Just talking about it, it's making my pussy wetter than the shower.” In normal circumstances, he’d try to stop himself from imaging what your pussy would feel like on his fingers and his cock, but moments like that were far behind, and he didn’t give a damn.

“That’s right. You’re not the only one who’s turned on.” You admitted. You unzipped his fly, taking some of the constriction off of him. He didn’t bother holding back a whimper as you slipped your hand underneath the rest of the material and palmed him through his boxers.

“P-Please…” Cedric was at a loss for words again.

Letting go of him, you took a step back.

“Please, what?” You smirked. “Haven’t you got anything to say?” You were right, he was too flustered to form any sentences.

“Please make me feel good. Is that what you’re thinking?” You eyed his crotch and licked your lips. He nodded.

The both of you took a deep breath as you stepped towards him. You got up on your tiptoes and he lowered his neck. When your lips met, he cupped your cheeks with both hands and you planted yours against his chest.

Finally, after enduring your teasing for so long, he was able to give in.

Neither of you could not and did not want to hold back from your kiss. You let out a moan, and Cedric let his teeth graze along your bottom lip, which caused you to moan even louder.

In his hurried state, he’d already discarded his outer robe onto the bench. You tugged on his sweater, signaling him to take it off, which he did.

“Are you sure you want this?” Cedric asked.

It felt as if the air had been knocked out of him as you let your towel drop on the floor. If his face wasn’t already any more flushed, it was now.

You sat down on the same bench he was sitting on before. He was about to ask what you were doing when you placed your hands behind you for balance and spread your legs, giving him a full view of how wet your pussy was. “Is this enough to convince you that I do?” You asked.

“Fuck.” Cedric gasped and his eyes widened at the sight of your completely naked body. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Wow. I never thought I’d hear the good boy say a bad word.” You teased him.

He was admiring how the moonlight from the window made your eyes sparkle as you caught him gazing hungrily at your entire body from your breasts to your hips and thighs.

“You can touch them.” You held up your breasts and bounced them in your hands.

He reached his hand out to squeeze one of your breasts and gently graze his thumb along your nipple.

Cedric had barely touched you and you were already a panting mess in his hands. With his other hand, he mirrored the same thing he did to your other breast while you used one of your hands to trace your finger around your swollen clit.

The moment he caught onto what you were doing to yourself, he slowly got distracted enough to seize his movements, which made you stop as well.

“Let me turn on the water.” You said, gently prying his hands off your body.

“Wait-” he grabbed your hand. He couldn’t believe you had the audacity to leave him hanging after all the teasing you put him through.

“Believe me, after what I want to do to you, we’ll both be needing a bath.” You grinned mischievously. You turned to switch the faucet on.

“Does this mean you want to…” Cedric couldn’t get himself to say the words through his nervousness.

“We’ve got to do something while we wait for the water to fill up.” You said as you knelt down in front of him. “I wanna taste you, so bad, Cedric.” You ran your forefinger along the fabric of his boxers that was covering his bulge. “Don’t you think it would feel so good to have my lips wrapped around your cock? Don’t you want to make me scream and choke? See the bad girl shut up?” You had no idea he would’ve loved to see you do much more than choke on his cock. A part of him wanted to see that bad girl cry and break for him.

“Sure.” That’s all you needed to hear in order to get you to pull out his fully erect cock out of the confines of his boxers.

You gripped onto his thighs for support and licked from the bottom to the tip before sucking it between your lips.

Cedric wondered if you knew how gorgeous you looked with your pretty lips wrapped around his cock.

He threw out what very little self-control he had left as he grabbed the back of your head and pushed it further down onto his cock. He could feel the vibrations from you screaming around him. His breathing started to grow heavier as your head bobbed up and down faster.

“You look so beautiful like this!” He grunted. He was starting to get hot as he knew he was quickly getting close cumming. He discarded his school tie and started to unbutton his shirt.

“I’m gonna cum!” He gasped as he completely removed his shirt. That’s when you pulled your mouth away from him. He regretted saying that.

“No!” He grasped your jaw and forced you to look up. You stood up. You stared at each other as he gathered the saliva spilling down your chin with his thumb and ran it along your bottom lip. You used this as an opportunity to pull it between your lips and suck just as you did with his cock before you popped his thumb out of your mouth.

“The tub’s full, now.” You said, ignoring the extra protests that he threw at you.

Cedric watched as you climbed into the tub and switched the water off. He soon threw the rest of his clothes onto the bench and he followed you into the water that came up to your torso.

He saw the water droplets that clung to your breasts and made a move to lick them. He made a trail with his tongue from your collarbone to your nipple where he continued to lick and suck as you didn’t bother holding back a moan.

“Cedric, I want you to cum inside me!” He felt his boner poking your stomach at the sound of your whimpers.

You grabbed onto his shoulders and pushed him so that his back was to the edge of the tub. You let your lips hungrily devour each other’s. The feeling of your soft tits against his chest only made his desire to be inside you stronger.

He grabbed your thighs and hoisted them around his torso. You grabbed his cock in one hand, aiming it to where your entrance was while using your other hand to cling onto his shoulder to balance yourself.

He planted kisses along your neck and collarbone as you slowly sunk down onto him. You let out a string of curse words as you slowly moved up and down, your tits bouncing with you.

Besides the sounds of your bodies moving against each other, you loudly moaning, and the water splashing, it was dead silent in the room.

He grabbed both sides of your hips and began pounding into you faster and deeper. This made you scream even louder than before.

“Oh fuck, Cedric! Just like that! It feels so fucking good!”

He loved how unafraid you were to let yourself lose control in front of him.

“Cedric!” You sounded like you were sobbing.

“What is it, Sweetheart?” He rasped.

“I think I’m-fuck! Oh Cedric, fuck! It feels so… so good!” It was then that he knew you reached your orgasm. You continued screaming as you rode it out on his dick.

The feeling of your tight pussy pumping around him so vigorously in a repeated manner was what led up to him spilling himself inside you a minute later.

“Don’t stop! Keep going!” He ordered you.

“I fucking love how your cum feels inside me, Cedric!” You cried out.

He continued to hold onto you with him still inside you as he attempted to catch his breath and that’s when he pulled out. It quickly went back up as you softly dragged your nails along the goosebumps forming on the side of his neck. On the other side of his head, you planted equally as light kisses from his jaw to his earlobe. He had to check himself to see if this unreal feeling was what he was really experiencing as you started to nibble it.

“I’ve wanted to fuck you ever since the day I discovered how to pleasure myself.” You purred in his ear. “I don’t give a damn about the other boys I flirted with. It’s always been you, Cedric.”

At the mention of the other boys, he started to feel jealousy ignite in himself which was unusual for someone like him.

“Is that why you flirted with them in front of me?” He looked into your eyes for confirmation. “To make me jealous? To get me to notice you?”

“It worked.” You said. “I mean, I just got so bored of watching those girls talk about you and flirt with you I couldn’t take it anymore, so I thought I had to make you see how I felt. I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

He cupped your jaw and gently brought your lips together as soon as the both of you had calmed down. Your lips began to move along each other’s more frantically and it soon escalated into a make out session.

He quickly found himself getting addicted to the taste and feel of your plush lips which went so well with the lip balm you were wearing.

“What do you mean by waiting so long? How long exactly?” Cedric wanted to know more.

“Since our fifth year. When you became a Prefect and Captain of your Quidditch team.” You leaned your head into the crook of his neck. He absentmindedly stroked his knuckles along your bare shoulder.

“I’m just wondering, why not boys from your house’s team instead?”

You looked up into his eyes. “Because you’re so much better than them. Just because I’m in the same house as them doesn’t mean anything. They’re not as humble or as hard-working as you.”

“I don’t know what to say.” He blushed at your compliment. “Besides thank you, of course.”

You giggled.

[sorchathered]

Sweet Home Texas pt 1.

Summary- it’s here! Chapter one of my new series/ my submission for my birthday Rom-Com challenge! I am straying from the plot of Sweet Home Alabama a bit but I hope you all love it!

Pairing-Jake “Hangman” Seresin x oc (Ella Mcree Seresin), Bradley Bradshaw x oc (Ella Mcree Seresin)

Warnings- language, drinking, eventual smut

Stepping out of her shitty rental car into the dimly lit honky tonk parking lot Ella Mccree can already feel the pain of a headache forming behind her eyes. She flew out from San Diego on a red eye to get to this shithole, filled with enough anger to fly the damn plane herself. She swore when she was here the last time that she would never set foot in this damn town again and yet here she is, pushing through the sweaty bodies of horn dog cowboys and navy pilots to find the bane of her existence.

He’s here of course, holding court by the pool tables, looking every bit the cocky asshole he presents himself to be. He’s always been a bit of a douche, that was part of his appeal; well until it wasn’t. She couldn't help the way her stomach flipped as she looked at him, the memories flooding her mind would make anyone blush. First kiss, first time, her first everything had been with Jake Seresin, he was supposed to be the only one, but that hadn’t worked out as planned. Nothing had where they were concerned.

She squared her shoulders, his pretty boy looks didn’t work on her anymore and she was here in this tacky bar for a reason, he wouldn’t distract her. In her ridiculously expensive pumps and form fitting black suit she marched over to him and dropped her briefcase in the middle of the pool table, a chorus of what the hells ringing out as she rounds on him, perfectly manicured finger poking him in the chest, shock clearly written all over his face before he schools his features. She’d caught him by surprise; good, maybe this time he’d actually listen.

“Jake! You stubborn redneck hick, I swear to God if I have to cut your damn hand off and sign these papers myself I will.” If he was phased by her colorful vocabulary he didn’t show it, simply throwing back the rest of his beer and sitting it on the corner of the nearest table as he looked her over, the mischief in his eyes evident in his gaze.

“Hey baby, it’s been a while. How’re things at home?” He said with a grin, knowing it would absolutely irritate the shit out of her, he loved riling her up, it was almost like he had a death wish sometimes but then again being an ex fighter pilot just confirmed that.

“Hey. Baby?! Are you kidding me right now?! Oooh!! You are the most annoying person on the planet!” She said shaking her head jerkily and balling her hands into fists, she needed to get it together. There was a reason to be here, get it done and get the hell out of this town, don’t let him distract you Ella you’re better than this.

Someone behind her said something to the extent of damn I like this girl and out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a brunette woman sending impressed looks her way. Well at least someone was entertained, she thought.

She leaned across him to grab the papers from her briefcase, his body stiffening under her and she knew despite his cool exterior she had him rattled. She ran a hand across his uniform top, noticing the falter in his grin as he blinked at her and slammed the stack of papers into his chest.

“I have sent these damn papers through your lawyer 4 times in the past 6 months and they keep coming back unsigned, if you are so incompetent that you can’t use a pen, maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to fly a jet, given your lack of a brain. Sign the damn papers Jake, it’s been 3 years. You very clearly aren’t interested in being a husband so why the hell won't you just divorce me?”

Everyone around them seems to go quiet at this, none of his coworkers even knew he had been in a serious relationship, let alone married.

He sticks a toothpick between his lips and pretends to mull over her words as she taps her heel on the sticky bar floor. She already knows what he’s going to say, the same bullshit line he’s given her their entire life. “You know damn well why Ella Bella, because I promised to love you til the day you die and as far as I can tell you’re still breathin’ so we’re still married.”

She rakes a hand through her wavy red hair and gives him a look that could burn the world down. “If I could go back knowing what I know now I’d have never made that damn promise. Stop holding me hostage and sign the damn papers, I’m not leaving town until you do.” She yanks up her bag and stomps out towards the exit, everyone in the group parting like the Red Sea to let her out. Meanwhile Jake still seems cool as a cucumber, completely unbothered as he lines up his next shot and chuckles as he watches her walk out of the bar.

“Uh you planning on giving us an explanation Hangman?” Natasha Trace is the first to speak up, she does enjoy seeing him brought down a peg from time to time but she’s pretty sure she’s seen him more upset over what was for lunch at the dining facility than he is right now.

“Oh that? Eh she’ll be alright, Ella is all bark and no bite. She knows how much I love her, just gotta remind her is all, she and I will be just fine when she comes to her senses.” He seems awfully sure of himself, but she’d noticed something he clearly didn’t. A big ass diamond ring on her ring finger, no wedding band in sight. She has a thought to say something but thinks better of it; let him crash and burn all on his own and maybe invite the girl out for lunch and some gossip if she can find out her number. Jake’s hometown is just a few miles out from the Kingsville Navy base they’re stationed at, maybe an old friend of his has her info, she files that away for tomorrow’s problems and grabs another drink.

Ella is heated, she clumsily fumbles her keys by her car door as she curses, she knew he wouldn’t go for it but damnit if she didn’t hope he’d come to his senses. They’d been split for almost three years?! What was keeping him from letting her go? Pride? Idiocy?! She didn’t have time for this, she had plans of her own and they didn’t include begging her delusional husband for a divorce for the millionth time.

Her phone began to buzz in her pocket as she finally got the car unlocked and settled into the seat. She heaved a sigh out and put on her brightest smile, answering the face time call with fake enthusiasm.

“Well? How’d he take it?” the raspy voice on the other side of the line says, tan skin and bronze hair and those puppy dog eyes she loves so much gazes at her over the screen, and he can tell she’s pissed. “About as well as I thought. I’m gonna be here a few more days I reckon, maybe I can get one of them to get him to pull his head out of his ass, because it definitely didn’t work like I hoped.” She says the last words with a waver in her voice, she hates that she’s tearing up over this.

Bradley Bradshaw sighs over the screen and runs his hand over his face, he knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as she thought. “Need me to come down there? I can hop a flight? We can order a pizza and get trashed.”

As good as that sounds, his presence would only make it worse, and they both know it.

“No baby, it’s ok. I’ll see you soon alright? I just need to go to my hotel and sleep, I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe call Natasha and see if she can help me with some intel though? She seemed pretty interested in what was going on, and might be an ally.”

He knows Natasha Trace well, and she definitely would be very helpful if he asked, so he nods his head in agreement and ends the call with I love yous and promises of a back rub when she gets home.

He knows the bomb that’s going to go off as soon as Seresin finds out everything, but he also knows the real reason Jake won’t give Ella what she wants. It’s guilt plain and simple, and Bradley isn’t interested in watching his fiancée get hurt by his former rival anymore. Only Ella knows the whole truth, but are either men ready for it?

A/N- this is gonna be a doozy y’all, prepare for these three to be put through the ringer! Next week we’ll get some more on Jake and Ella’s backstory and why they fell apart, hope you enjoyed chapter one!

🏷️ tagging- @attapullman @seitmai @bobgasm @sailor-aviator @jessicab1991 @roosterforme @bradshawssugarbaby @mynameismckenziemae

[maeeatsfood]

When we meet again-✩ Ellie Williams

(when we meet part two❤️)

PAIRING — next door neighbor!ellie x reader

SUMMARY — after your hookup in ellie’s room, she takes you on a date and you guys start dating <3

CW — lots of fluff in the beginning and end, smut mdni!! strap-on usage r!receiving, oral e!receiving, switch!ellie, switch!reader (kinda). reader and ellie are 19. praise kink😭, pet names instead of y/n (only used in texts)

A/N — heres the part two you guys are asking for. also TYSM for all the likes i got for part one especially because i haven’t written much!!

tags: @ucannotcompare @glennns-blog @gold-dustwomxn

part one

this song kinda fits the plot🙏

after what had happened at the millers house with ellie, you couldn’t get her off of your mind. you guys texted everyday, even though you guys live right next to each other, and you were very thankful for that. the main reason you guys messaged each other instead of going to the others persons house is because you were sexting, but your parents were home.

you were super excited for your date with ellie, and you wanted to see what she had planned for you. ellie was really sweet to you and your past conversations could prove that, and it made you even more enthused that someone like her had taken an interest in you.

tonight was the night of your date and you swore your whole sense of style disappeared. you had been rummaging through your closet for the past 30 minutes and you couldn’t find anything. you had 40 minutes until your date and you thanked God that ellie was your neighbor.

after about ten more minutes of searching, you had finally decided on a dress. it was navy blue, short, and a little bit tight. it had thin straps, a small slit on the left side at the bottom, and it hugged your body just right.

you had just finished up your hair and makeup, and you were nervous af. ellie was super nice, funny, and caring, but you were just… you.

ellie <3: im omw, babe. about 30 seconds away.

y/n: ellie lmao😭

that was the exact reason you loved ellie. she was fucking hilarious and it made your day every. single. time. you felt like you were already in love. you were, and she was too.

you were snapped out of your thoughts by a knock on your door, it was ellie. you rushed downstairs and you quickly put on your heels. you then smoothed down your dress, caught your breath, and opened the door.

you swore you saw an angel, because ellie looked amazing. she was wearing a black, button-up dress shirt and her usual black skinny jeans. her sleeves were rolled up a bit, revealing the tattoo that made her 10x hotter. what made it even better was that her hair was in a half-up bun, a few strands decorating her face.

ellie then wrapped her arms around your waist for a hug, knowing she’d missed you even though you could literally see each other whenever you wanted. lazy asses

“God, you’re so beautiful,” she said, smiling into the crook of your neck. your cheeks flushed at the compliments, knowing your attraction for her grew every second day.

“you look good too, els,” you said with a bright smile on your face, not caring if she saw or not. you wanted her to know how much you liked her and it was hard to hide it. you were surprised that your family didn’t notice. you weren’t out yet so they thought you two were just close friends.

she smiled, kissing your cheek after. “lets go, i have something special planned for us.” her sentence made you smile widely, internally screaming (happily) that you get to spend time with her.

——————

it was after the date, and ellie had promised one more surprise. 2 if you include her dicking you down. you didn’t even care what it was at this point, you just knew it would please you if it was from ellie.

for your date, you two had went to this fancy restaurant, and you absolutely loved it. the food was great, amazing service, but most importantly, you were with ellie. you guys literally flirted the whole time.

so now, you were in her room. her walls were decorated with posters and drawings. she had an olive green comforter, white sheets hiding underneath. her pillow cases matched the comforter and they were probably the softest thing you had laid your head on.

you were on the end of ellies bed and she was at the top, guitar in her hands and fingers strumming away. she played beautifully so you couldn’t help but smile. the way she looked at you while playing was so sweet and heartwarming, you melted.

she played a few songs, all calming and welcoming. she had an amazing singing voice as well, soft and raspy. she had you wrapped around her finger, though you only knew her for a week.

she had finished playing, and you couldn’t help but tell her how good she had sounded. you were so impressed and happy, especially because it was all for you.

“wow, els. that was amazing,” you said with an adoring look in your eyes, admiring the way she had played for you and how cute she looked while doing it.

“thank you, i played my best just for you,” ellie said with a big smile painting her face, causing you to do the same.

she smirked, leaning in closer to you. your eyes were focused on her lips, your cheeks turning a light shade of crimson. “no ones gonna be home tonight,” she spoke, causing your lips to go slightly agape “so i could play my songs a bit louder for you,” she said in a teasing tone, causing you to roll your eyes and hit her shoulder playfully.

she chuckled before finally closing the gap between you two. she rested her hand on the back of your neck, yours on her cheek. your lips moved in sync together perfectly, the kiss turning sloppy and dirty quickly.

you couldn’t help but moan into her mouth, the way her lips felt against yours was intoxicating. she took this into account before laying down and moving you to straddle her, grabbing your ass in the process.

“mmh i missed this,” she whispered, her words muffled by your mouth. you giggled and continued kissing her, body overcoming with lust and causing an ache in between your legs.

she soon started tugging on your dress, wanting it off immediately. you just nodded and pulled away from the kiss to help her pull it off of your body.

“have i told you how pretty you are?,” she asked, not giving you time to answer before reaching down and rubbing your clothed cunt.

“mmh only like a million times. e-ellie wait,” you were desperate to make ellie feel as good as she had made you feel last week. as soon as these words left your lips, she stopped her movements.

she looked up at you, concern in her eyes as she wondered why you had wanted her to stop. “i wanna make you feel good too, els. you did it last time,” you said, a playful frown showing on your lips.

your words made a pool of wetness form in her boxers, desire glazing over her eyes. “okay, baby. go ahead,” you practically squealed at her reaction, making her chuckle.

you then unbuttoned her shirt, removing it from her figure. you then moved to unbutton her jeans, sliding them down her legs. you giggled when you saw the growing wet patch on her boxers, trying your best to ignore your own.

you slowly pulled down her boxers, leaving them to pool at her ankles. you bit your lip before licking up her wet slit. a soft grunt escaped her throat, hand snaking into your hair.

you then circled her clit with your tongue, moving to suck on the swollen bud. “fffuck just like that,” she groaned, signaling you to speed up your movements.

you sped up your attack on her clit, sucking harshly. her whimpers filled the room, hands fisting your hair roughly, causing you to moan into her cunt.

“go a little easy on me b- fuuuck- babe” you looked up at her, and she swore she was in heaven right then and there. you looked like the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. doe-eyed, juices dripping down your nose and chin, hair already messy.

you continued your harsh movements on her cunt, driving her to the edge. “fuck yeah, right there. doin’ so good for me, baby. gonna make me cum all over that pretty fuckin’ mouth.”

her hips bucked up into your mouth, your spit and her juices mixing together. you licked up and down her clit feverishly, moving it in circles again. “thats it, ah im gonna cum, baby,” you nodded, nose bumping against her clit, causing her orgasm to wash over her.

your tongue lapped up at her juices before you moved your head up to kiss her. as she tasted herself on your tongue, she fucking moaned into your mouth.

“you’re so good, babe. im gonna make you feel good, yeah?,” you nodded desperately, causing her to laugh at your eagerness. she got up, legs slightly wobbly as she made her way to the closet.

you js laid there like🧍‍♀️

you laid on the bed, waiting for her to comeback. she walked back over to the bed, black strap attached to her hips. your lips parted slightly, knowing you’ve never done anything like this before.

“wait, i’ve never done anything like this before, ellie,” you said and her gaze softened. “okay, i’ll go easy on you, pretty girl. if you want me to stop just say the word,” she smiled reassuringly and you nodded.

she slowly ran her hands down your body, stopping at the rim of your panties. “can i take these off?,” she asked sweetly and you nodded. “nuh-uh. no more nodding. use your words.”

“you can take them off, please,” she smirked and hooked her fingers into your panties, sliding them down your legs and onto the floor. she took her strap and rubbed the tip along your folds, causing you to whimper.

“its okay, baby. i gotcha,” she cooed, slowly pushing the tip inside of you. you whined, insides clenching around nothing.

——————

pants and mewls filled the room as ellie pounded into you, the dildo crushing your g-spot repeatedly. your hands clinging to ellies shoulders, scratching the skin. your skin now covered in purple/red marks.

you had gotten used to the stretch and you told ellie to go faster. there was something wrong with you.

“yeah, you like that? you like my cock, baby?,” she asked, the bed shaking from her intense movements. thats how desperate you both were.

“yeah you fuckin’ love it. good girl,” she replied before you got a chance to. the praise made even more slick run down your thigh. ellie seemed to notice this, smirking to herself. you felt the coil in your stomach growing tighter, ready to snap.

ellie practically felt you clenching around her strap, biting down on her lip as she saw it disappearing inside of your cunt. “you gonna cum, sweet girl? mmh you’re squeezing me in,” she cooed, causing your cunt to squeeze even tighter around the silicone.

“y-yes, please g’nna cum ellieeee,” you responded, causing her to let out a low chuckle.

“atta girl, thats it,” her words sent you over the edge. you never knew you were a praise kinda girl but there you were, seeing stars because the girl of your dreams was praising you.

you were seeing stars, colors, and all types of shit when you came. it was the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had. (it was only your second one🌚)

ellie slowly pulled out, taking the strap off and going to the bathroom. she came back with a wet cloth, cleaning up your sensitive cunt.

you winced, and she reassured you. “shh, its okay. i gotcha, baby.” You nodded as she finished cleaning you up, giving you a pair of her boxers and a shirt to sleep in.

after you finished changing, she gave you a glass of water and laid next to you, rubbing your shoulder. “are you okay? did i hurt you?,” she asked in the softest voice possible.

“im okay, ellie. it was really good,” you said with a sweet smile. she nodded and held you close.

“is it too late to ask you to be my girlfriend?” you laughed and shook your head.

“yes, ellie. i’ll be your girlfriend you dork,” you giggled out and she chuckled. she gave you a sweet kiss on the forehead, now rubbing your back.

you guys spent the rest of the night like that, talking and laughing, sharing small kisses while doing so. you were already in love and you could tell she was too

[souryoong]

all mine | pjm (18+)

pairing: ex boyfriend!jimin x reader

word count: 2,356

genre: smut!! (18+ readers only)

summary: your new boyfriend can't make you finish, but your ex boyfriend sure can.

warnings: written sex, porn with a plot, protected sex, fingering, multiple orgasms (duh), lots of g spot stimulation lol, somewhat rough sex maybe if you squint, making out, tongue kissing, blonde streaks jimin, jimin is tatted, jimin's chain necklace is dangling in her face, jimin knows her body (!!!).

*please do yourself a favor & listen to that song before or after you read this*

click here to be added to my taglist!

authors note: sooooo um hi! long time no see. I feel like this is my longest streak with no new content (almost 2 months!! wtf) and I can say...I have no excuses lol. life just happens. im an adult its okay.

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“Pick up, please pick up.” You crossed your fingers as your phone was dialing your ex, Park Jimin once again to come over for sex.

You both ended your relationship on good terms, Jimin always had a busy schedule and was sometimes overseas for most of the year. Both of you agreed it was for the best to separate.

However, that didn’t stop either of you from still getting together every so often to fuck.

You were seeing someone new, nothing serious, and neither of you were exclusive.

There was nothing really wrong with the guy, just one thing — he could never make you cum.

You even went as far as faking it, multiple times because in the moment, it just to be done. He never seemed to notice. Then, when Jimin was free, he would quite literally fuck your brains out. It was a good system you had worked out.

When you told Jimin how your new man couldn’t make you finish, it gave him a huge ego boost — as if he needed it. He knew he was good in bed. The way you would writhe underneath him from just his tongue, or the way he would have you almost crying in pleasure.

Now, your new boyfriend was out of town, giving the perfect opportunity for Jimin to come over for the night.

“Hello?” Jimin’s voice finally spoke through the phone, and you felt relieved.

“Hey, Jimin.” You spoke in the sweetest voice you could. “Are you busy tonight?” You twirled a strand of your hair around your finger.

“Ah.” Jimin answered, you could practically hear him smiling. “I think I already know why you’re calling me.”

You blushed to yourself. “Fuck, Jimin. Okay. I need dick, that is why I’m calling you.”

“Where’s your new man?” He cheekily asked you.

“I mean as in good dick.” You spat back to him. “He’s out of town this week, and you know that man can’t make me cum.”

Jimin chuckled. “I know, but I love hearing you say that.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You teased him. “You coming over or not? I’m wearing some new panties I want to show you. Hmm. Or maybe none at all.”

“Fuck.” Jimin swore, frustrated. “You know I can’t say no. I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

You smirked to yourself. “I’ll be waiting. Bye.”

You changed into a matching baby pink lacy bralette and panty set, the color happened to have always been Jimin’s favorite on you. You quickly threw your fluffy white robe over it and waited for him on the couch in your apartment.

Right on time, there was a knock on the door, and you got up to open it.

Jimin flashed you a smile before walking in, taking his sunglasses off. He looked so incredible he nearly took your breath away. He shut the door behind himself, locking it. Instantly his lips were on yours.

“Jimin.” You breathed out in between kisses. You draped your arms over his shoulders and around his neck, letting him take control.

He hummed in response, deepening the kiss as you felt him slide his tongue into your mouth, making you moan in response.

He pulled away, kissing down your neck and to your bare chest that wasn’t covered with the robe.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You whined, leaning your head back, tangling your fingers in his blonde streaked hair. “I missed you.”

“Me too.” His teeth scraped against your skin, making you jump. “Let’s go to your bedroom.”

Once you were in your bedroom, Jimin stripped himself of his hoodie and t shirt. He got to work unbuttoning his jeans as you untied your robe, letting it fall onto the floor below.

“Oh, fuck.” Jimin nearly moaned at the sight of you, especially in his favorite color.

“Mhm.” You smirked. “Wore it just for you.”

Jimin dropped to his knees in front of you, hands all over your thighs, and kissing your stomach, waist, and hips.

You chuckled lightly. “Jimin, that tickles.”

He hummed, grabbing one of your thighs firmly with one hand, and landing a smack to your ass with the other. The sudden contact made you gasp.

“Jimin!”

He stood up, smirking as his fingers graced the lacy material of your lacy bra. “Baby as much as I love how you wore this for me, I’d like it better if it was on the floor.”

Now sitting on the bed with your knees apart, you reached behind your back and unhooking it. Jimin reached and pulled the article of clothing off you, throwing it to the floor.

He tilted your chin up to kiss you again, the kiss being so forceful you almost couldn’t catch your breath.

Jimin pulled away and you nearly gasped for air. His hot breath was on your neck.

“God, look at you, I can’t get enough of you.”

He left open-mouthed kisses on your chest and you softly moaned; knowing where it was leading.

Except, you nearly cried out when his warm mouth was around your left nipple, his tongue swirling around it just how you liked it.

You couldn’t help how you tugged on his hair; your body so sensitive from not being touched like this in so long.

Jimin lifted his head up, smirking at how worked up you were. “What, your man doesn’t do this?” He lightly pinched your right nipple, making you let out a whine.

You leaned your head back, biting your lip. Nobody could get you worked up quite like Jimin could.

“Jimin, I need you to fuck me. Please.”

You pressed your thighs together, aching for his touch. Jimin noticed right away.

He moved his mouth from your left nipple over to your right, giving it equal attention. Your moan came out almost a sob.

“Jimin!”

You leaned back to lay down against your bed sheets, Jimin shifted to now hover over you, his mouth going straight back to your nipple.

“So worked up for me, I could probably make you cum from just this.” He kissed the skin below your right breast, nibbling lightly.

And he wasn’t wrong, he probably could.

“Jimin…” You were practically writhing underneath him.

He sat up slightly, taking in the sight of your body underneath him. He loved seeing you like this, so needy and worked up just for him.

Jimin brushed over your still clothed entrance over your panties with his fingers, making you suppress a moan by biting your lip. You could imagine how wet you were, and probably soaking through your panties.

“Just for me.” Jimin smirked. “Cute.”

He hooked his fingers around either side of your panties, and you lifted your hips for him to pull them off.

Once he did, he threw them to the side somewhere onto the floor.

Jimin moved so now he was in different position, like he was somewhat sitting next to you.

Noticing how his jeans were pulled down slightly and unbuttoned, his length was straining against his boxers. Your mouth practically was salivating.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You swore. “Your cock.” It almost seemed bigger since the last time, but it’s only been a couple weeks.

He didn’t say anything, just hummed. You shifted your upper body, Jimin guided you to open your legs more than they already were. You didn’t even have to wonder if you were wet, it had felt like you’ve been nearly gushing all night long.

You gasped at the contact of his fingers to your soaked entrance. Jimin swore under his breath.

“Fuck. You’re soaked. My fingers will slip right in.”

You let out a rather loud moan when he pushed his middle and ring finger inside of you, pressing against your walls. You almost forgot you had neighbors that could probably hear all of this.

Jimin’s lips crashed against yours as he started finger fucking you with earnest. You cried out against his mouth as he hit your g spot repeatedly. You felt your thighs starting to shake, and your stomach starting to tighten.

Jimin started watching his fingers go in and out of you, as you were practically clutching onto him.

“Jimin. Jimin.” You sounded so desperate saying his name repeatedly.

“Gonna cum for me?” His face was close to yours before he kissed you again.

You bit down on your lip, letting out a moan. “Mmm. Yes. Yes.” You tried to nod.

You felt yourself becoming more wet, then hearing the squelching sound of Jimin’s fingers moving in and out of you.

“Fuck, look at you, clenching my fingers like that.” Jimin moaned.

You were shaking, clutching onto him so hard that you felt like you should be apologizing, but he was pressing so hard against your inner walls that you were about to lose it.

“Jimin. Jimin.” You kept saying his name.

“Mhm. Say my name.” He kissed you, but you couldn’t even kiss him back, your orgasm hit you the hardest it has in a while.

“Jimin. Fuck. Don’t stop.” You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling like your whole body was shaking.

“Let it go, I got you.” He buried his face in your neck as you let out a rather loud moan.

You were panting like you just ran 5 miles, not even opening your eyes. The muscles in your thighs felt on fire.

“Jimin, what the fuck?” You managed to breathe out.

“Baby, this is nothing new.” Jimin chuckled. “I think you’ve just been neglected.”

You heard him slide off the bed, and heard his jeans getting taken off and thrown onto the floor.

“Open your eyes, I want you to look at me.”

You swallowed thickly and opened your eyes to see Jimin turned away from you, still in his underwear. You noticed his tattoo of the moon phases down his back, probably your favorite tattoo of his.

“Do you still have those condoms?” Jimin asked you.

Since you and Jimin had been getting together rather frequently, you had stashed a box of condoms at the very bottom of one of your drawers in your dresser. The both of you agreed it was probably a good idea to use condoms since you weren’t a couple anymore.

“Yeah. At the bottom of the drawer like always.” You answered, watching him walk over to the drawer, open it, reach in and grab a foil packet.

“You’re running out.” Jimin joked, smiling as he pulled down his black underwear, revealing his thick cock.

You bit down on your bottom lip as you watched him open the packet and roll the condom on over the tip. “Yeah, I uh guess I’d better get more.”

Jimin climbed on top of the bed, hovering over you. He adjusted some pillows so you would be comfortable.

His necklace was dangling as he was aligning himself with your entrance, teasing you by tapping the tip against your clit, making you whine from the sensitivity still.

“I forgot how pretty you looked underneath me.” Jimin spoke, but before you could respond in any way, you felt him push himself into you, the stretch of his girth feeling divine.

You couldn’t even form words, you just let out a whine. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

You felt like you could cum almost instantly at his first few thrusts, it had been so long and right now they were feeling better than ever.

“Mhm.” Jimin licked his lips, leaning down to kiss you.

He pushed your legs further apart, holding them behind your knees. Jimin’s pace changed, and he started thrusting into you slower, but hitting deeper.

You felt him nudge your sweet spot inside of you, making you cry out in pleasure.

“Fuck. Right there!”

He was hitting the spot repeatedly, making you squeeze your eyes shut, your hands grabbing onto him.

“God you’re so fucking wet.” Jimin swore, burying his face in your neck, starting to fuck you harder.

You could feel and hear your bed frame hitting the wall at the force, and Jimin’s hot breath panting onto your neck.

“Jimin, my neighbors.” You slightly laughed, fingers combing through his blonde streaked locks.

His pace faltered as he got up, now hovering over you, his chain necklace dangling. “I don’t care.” Jimin kissed you softly, then you pulled him closer for more, his tongue gliding against yours.

Your jaw mouth fell open at one thrust, and he smirked, knowing you were close.

“Jimin.” Your voice came out needier than you wanted it to. “Fuck I’m so close.”

“I can tell.” Jimin panted. “Fuck, you’re clenching me so good.”

He shifted your body to the side, putting one of your legs over his shoulder.

You couldn’t help but whine at the change of position, hands moving to grip your bed sheets.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You let out a moan when his fingers started to rub your clit simultaneously as he was fucking you. “More.”

You weren’t sure what you were asking for more of, you were torn between fighting off your orgasm to last a little while longer, or to just give into it.

“More?” Jimin seemed taken aback, your cunt still so wet you could hear it. “I’ll give you more.”

His knee pushed your other leg to the side, and he thrusted into you harder than before. Your orgasm hit you practically seconds later, and you could have sworn you blacked out for a moment.

Jimin’s pace barely faltered as he fucked you through your orgasm. Your walls clenching him tightly, and he grabbed a hold of your legs because you were shaking.

He continued fucking into you until his orgasm hit him, and he almost fell on top of you.

Your bodies right up against each other, and you kept repeating his name; it was all that you could say.

“Yes, I’m right here.” Jimin spoke, kissing you softly along your jaw.

“That was. That was.” You couldn’t even say it. “Fuck.” You slightly laughed at your current state.

“Amazing?” Jimin laughed, trying to finish your thoughts.

“Mhm.” You nodded, combing your fingers through Jimin’s hair.

“So, you know he won’t be back for like 3 days or something like that.” You spoke. “We can do this again.”

Jimin smirked, knowing fully well that you would be.

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taglist: @dearlyjoonie @thepurpleghost

[maryangelex]

To Be Alone With You

Simon “Ghost” Riley x f! Original Character

A/N: Hello!! This is my first time writing fanfiction ever and I'm so obsessed with Ghost I thought I'd give it a shot. This is written with an OC in mind, but I'm writing it with nothing descriptive so it can be read as reader-insert, only mentions callsign "Angel" and some character background for plot purposes. Unless y’all would like to read about my OC! Anyways, enjoy, and let me know what ya think!!!!

Summary: A new member gets added to task force 141, and Ghost can’t keep himself together for long.

Warnings: NSFW! MDNI! Third-person POV, Smut, p in v sex (fantasy), masturbation, strong language, horny ass pining, descriptive language, combat injury, blood, military inaccuracy, game inaccuracy, OOC Ghost (?), not proofread, first fic

The 141 Task Force was a well-established team, led by Captain Price, Lieutenant "Ghost" Riley, and Sergeants "Soap" MacTavish and "Gaz" Garrick. As a team, they dove head-first into danger, every risk necessary to be taken, and they did a damn fine job every time. Regardless, Laswell thought this new mission in Las Almas called for new additions to the force.

"She goes by 'Angel'", Laswell states, sliding a file across the table to Price.

"Right," he responds, opening the manila folder with extensive records and information on the new member. "I can see why with a face like that. Looks like a sweetheart," he scoffed.

"She was top of her class in the Naval Academy and a Navy SEAL, one of the handful of women on the job," she started, "She's just as skilled as your boys Garrick and MacTavish, maybe better. She's taken down guys the size of your Lieutenant"

Laswell would've only noticed someone with actual talent, and Price knew this, he trusted her well enough to know she was a no-bullshit kind of woman. And given the information in the file in his hands, Angel sure was an ironic callsign.

"I trust you, Kate, so I know this dove's not gonna disappoint", he said glancing up at Laswell.

A lot of hope and expectations laid on her shoulders on Price’s behalf. Ghost had been notified about the new member upon his arrival with Soap in Las Almas. The two of them emerged from the evac and touched down on their new base. Friendly introductions were made between their other two new members for their time being in Las Almas, Rudy and Alejandro; then she came along, introduced by Price to the task force.

Soap looked like a kid on Christmas morning, fawning over her all giddy and jovial. It was like he’d never seen a girl before, she thought. He made multiple charming and flirtatious remarks at their first introduction, no shame in that one that’s for sure. But she liked the amicable dialogue, she knew they’d get along with him bringing some light to being in the suck.

Meanwhile there was Ghost, stoic and rigid. He shook her hand and gave her a cold yet approving handshake and introduced himself. Of course she already knew all about him, or at least what the gossip and folktales about him said he was; a direct, quiet, intimidating bloke that could kill with a glare and had an arsenal of skills, absolute killing machine with only his whit and sick dry humor saving him from being nonhuman. All she did was gawk at all 6’4 feet of him and get sucked into his expressive yet mysterious eyes. She’d never been so starstruck by a man before yet she kept her composure in front of him. Yet her mind couldn’t help but wander like a high school girl catching the first glimpse of her crush.

Ghost was a man of few words in general, but especially with people he’d just met or started working with. He kept it professional and distant, mainly because he never knew how long they’d last in a mission, so he kept his expectations low for everyone. Angel was an exception though, she piqued his interest. He had read her file handed over to him by Price prior to meeting her, and they both shared the same interest in her and her skills on the field: sharp sniper, close quarter combat expert, trained medic, the list went on with what she was capable of. The difference was how much more intensely Ghost had looked at her file. He would never admit it, but in reality he was captivated. In a professional level of course, nothing else.

Missions together went smoothly. She proved her skills and more time and time again. She made a good pair with Soap since they were out to work together the most often. Same as her with Gaz, they were a match made in heaven when it came to recon and agility missions. The three of them were insufferable, though, pestering and bickering with each other like triplets both in the field and off duty. Ghost was being driven mad, he already had enough with MacTavish annoying him through the radio, now he had to deal with Angel adding fuel to the fire. She did make him smile, though, sometimes even made him hold back laughs but God forbid anyone in the team knew he was a bit keen on her. Thank God for his mask hiding that away from everyone.

The team was cohesive with her as a new member for the months to come. Ghost didn’t think much of anything, not much of her besides quiet admiration and camaraderie, especially since she mainly worked with Soap. No big deal.

Except, after a mission gone awry and things getting sticky making the team struggle to get out alive, and Price having to chew out Angel and Soap for being careless, he decided it was best to change partnerships. Now, Soap was assigned to work with Price, and Angel with the Lieutenant, to teach her a thing or two and keep both of them in check under better supervision.

This is when shit hit the fan for Ghost, when he first stepped into the murky waters that were his feelings, the ones he didn’t even know he had.

Working with Angel was odd to him. He expected for it to be like how he worked with Soap, coordinated with the occasional friendly and comical banter they shared over radio. And it was like that with Angel in the beginning, the two made an amazing pair given their similarities in skill, traits, and resourcefulness.

It was too good of a match, though. Things were starting to get heavy for Ghost. He was starting to care too much about her, to get too protective of her in the field, the distance was getting shorter between them each mission.

On a supposedly easy intel mission, shit had gotten ugly really fast and really badly for them.

“Fuck, L.T.,” she panted, the two of them hiding behind a column of the building they were trapped in, getting shot at from all directions. “I’m hit, get my med pack will ya?”

“Fuckin’ hell, kid, you’re the medic, not me” he growled, rummaging through her gear for the first aid kit.

“No worries L.T. it’s not even that bad” she said with a breathy chuckle. The wound was oozing and spurting blood from her abdomen, her hand pressed against it keeping the pressure as best she could. She looked up at Ghost, who was fumbling with the kit finding a bandage to replace her hand on the wound with. He returned the gaze but his was colder and reprimanding, as if saying this is not the time to fuck around.

He pressed his much larger hand on her abdomen and although not visible he was concerned, a bit scared even. What the fuck was this? He’s never been this scared about a partner. He’s lost enough to not care as much anymore, to be used to it by now. So why was he so breathless and shaken by this girl’s injury?

“I’ll guide you, Ghost. The bullet went through. It looks real ugly with all this gushing but it hit my flank. See? Nothin’ important got hit” she said to him reassuringly, lifting herself up from the floor and lightly twisting to show him the hole the bullet went through on the right side of her waist. The two meet their gaze, his softened by her reassurance.

The two made it out of the building and back to the evac. Angel had guided Simon to tend to the wound and patch her up, and in return he basically carried her out of there.

That night back in HQ had Simon stressing, not because of the mission, not because of Angel’s injury, but because he was so god damn confused about what was clouding his mind so much. This new feeling he had. He felt restless and dazed by it. He felt like he failed that mission entirely by allowing Angel to get hurt, a new instinct to protect awoke in him. That night he couldn’t sleep, no amount of cigarettes out the window of his dorm calmed him down or made him make sense of these newfound feelings and fears.

From then on he was her shadow, and their distance became shorter as a result. Cheeky remarks, overly friendly banter sometimes escalating to flirty insults and jokes. Then came the light touches between the two, accidental of course. And his symptoms got worse each day.

His sleepless nights went from worries and memories of the battlefield to that of what a teenage boy would worry about.

He wanted her, and it was so hard for him to admit that to himself. He wanted her closer to him, he wanted the light touches between the two to become more comfortable, heavier, needier. He wanted her carnally. He thought about the times she was paired up with Johnny, how the two of them clicked and it sent him into a spiral. What if she laid awake at night the same way as him, but thinking about Soap? Or Gaz? Hell, even Price? Or none at all, and he was just horny and pining for her like a creep.

He thought of the softness of her skin when they touched, when she tended to his wounds how feathery her fingers felt in comparison to his calloused ones or the cold ones of any other nurse back at the base. How he hair swung in a braid when he was watching her back during missions. How she smelled when she was close to him, she smelled womanly with the salty tinge of her sweat from busting her ass on the field. It made him feral to think of her at the hands of another man, but he felt so stupid for it because it was the most plausible thing to happen, more so than for her to reciprocate his feelings, or at least for her to let him fuck her, at least once to get it out of his system.

Simon’s new nightly routine was of pacing around HQ finding something to busy himself with like paperwork or a smoke outside. He made his way back to his dorm after enough busywork and attempts to tire himself out. When he went to open the door to his room, she was there, leaning against the arch, and standing there as if waiting for him, with a sly smile plastered on her face.

“Can’t sleep?” She questioned.

“I could ask you the same thing”, he said, standing parallel to her.

She moved from the door as if inviting him to open it, which he complied with.

“Maybe we can help tire each other out”

Next thing he knows she’s sitting naked on his bed, baring herself to him. He’s standing at the foot of the bed looking down at her, admiring the sight in front of him. She’s putting on a show for him, caressing her breasts, down to her stomach and the space between her legs.

“Open your legs, sweetheart,” he says huskily “I know you want me to see.”

She spreads her knees, exposing her soaked cunt that she tenderly and slowly strokes. He’s salivating at the sight, as she slides her fingers through her folds, teasing herself, with her other hand massing her breast, taking a nipple between her index and middle finger. He watches her moan and throw her head back as she circles her clit, slowly, applying the right amount of pressure that sets her body alight.

She goes at it for some time before dipping her fingers in her hole, saturating them in her slick before reaching out to his unmasked mouth which he takes in with a low hum at the taste of it.

Except none of that actually happened, which is proven by Simon waking up alone in the darkness of his room in a cold sweat. He’s in pure terror, his face hot and red under his mask. Fuck, did he just dream that? He’s even more mortified by the tent his rock hard dick is pitching under his sheets.

Fuck, this can’t be fucking happening.

He gets up from his bed immediately, beelining for his en-suite. There’s no fucking way he’s caving into dreams like that, he feels like that’s disrespectful to his teammate, like his body’s betraying him. He removes his mask, turns on the cold shower and steps in, ice cold water hitting his scalding skin. His head sinks between his shoulders, hands placed against the wall in front of him as he lets the water hit from above, as he looks down at his erection.

It’s not helping, it’s not going down.

All he thinks about is the image of Angel sat pretty and baring herself to him in his bed. Of her hands traveling over her body. He brings two fingers to his lips, imagining hers, imagining how sweet she must taste. He closes his eyes and he’s taken back to his dream.

Fuckkk, he thinks. Now it’s not just his body that’s betraying him it’s his whole damn self, he’s giving in completely as he wonders what’s next. As he wonders what would happen if he took those dainty tender hands with those pretty painted nails and wrapped them around his thick throbbing cock. What would happen if he let her stroke him slowly with a mix of her slick and his spit.

Simon brings his own hand in the shower down to his cock and he strokes himself with that scenario playing in his mind behind his closed eyelids. He relishes in the feeling of his hand stroking himself, slowly at first like he pictures Angel would, then increasing the speed.

He thinks about what it would be like to have her mouth on it instead. Oh her full juicy lips, red and smooth, how they’d stretch around his girth, inching down from tip to base.

“That’s it, pretty girl”, he whispers with his eyes still shut and his hand still relieving his cock in the shower.

He thinks about her gagging on his length as he’s encouraging her to take more and more in until the hilt, until it’s encapsulated by her throat. He squeezes his dick thinking about it as he strokes it some more, picturing her bobbing her head at the same rhythm and speed as he’s using on himself. He’d put his hand on that braid she’s always got and grasp it firmly as he commands her head and dictates how deep and fast she can suck him off.

He’s a mess in the shower, moaning lowly and groaning to himself. He lets his head rest on his forearm against the wall, the water running down his back and his hand squeezing and pulling at his cock. His mind wanders some more and now he’s picturing his spit-covered cock lining himself with her pussy, slowly spreading her open, loosening up the tightness of it, molding her to his length. She’d make the cutest noises, they’d drive him insane. Her moans and mewls shooting straight to his cock, making him twitch inside of her. She’d feel so warm, wrapping his dick in her sopping cavern, making him feel whole like she’s a missing piece to his puzzle.

Simon’s stroking himself faster now, panting under the water, cupping his balls with his other hand as he imagines pounding into Angel, imagines the sounds he can pull from her and thinking of the sight of her splayed out under him as his dick is buried deep inside of her, then pulled out and rammed back in, keeping up the speed of his hand.

He’s at it for a few moments more, moving his hips and thrusting himself into his own hands as if he was fucking her. Until he starts to feel that burning pressure at the pit of his stomach, as his balls feel tighter with his release about to happen. And then he snaps. White hot ropes of cum shoot out of his cock, dripping into his hands and out onto the tile of the shower, flowing down the drain. He’s gasping and groaning, cursing at himself as his thighs vibrate from his orgasm. His mind a haze but fuck, he feels good. Like a moment of catharsis.

Now the struggle is gonna be looking at Angel without thinking of his late night activities. Now he’s given into his desires and carries more of the burden of wanting her without being able to have her.

A/N: WELP… Please leave some thoughts if you got this far, thanks for reading <3 divider credit to @cafekitsune

[autisticlancemcclain]

Jackie supports the lion swap? How dare you!

Okay SO. This is not the first time I’ve gotten an ask or a comment like this, and I’m fully aware it’s a joke (or at least I think), but I also know that it is kind of a controversial topic on here! And I’ve already written an essay in the topic, but I have some more thoughts I’d like to dive into.

I used to be team Blue Paladin Lance, and hardcore on that team, too. If you look at some of my old fics, you’ll see that. However since I am a contrary person by nature, I started to notice that Red Paladin Lance was way less liked, and so I started to like it more. I really grew fond of the dynamic Keith and Lance got to have as co-leaders, both because it was homoerotic as hell and because the symbolism was fun to explore, but klance is not the main reason I started to care so deeply for the lion change — it was actually Shiro and Allura.

I’m going to start with Shiro, because he’s one of the most fascinating characters in VLD, if not underdeveloped. Part of that fascination for me is that he probably has the most arcs and opportunities for character growth and development in the show, and yet somehow he’s the flattest. He’s portrayed as very one-dimensional in a lot of fic — he tends to be less of a character and more of a role. He’s the Space Dad, or the older brother, or the cool teacher, or the kind and wise friend, or even the stoic Black Paladin. He is loved, I think, but the role he plays is loved, not quite the person he is. And that makes sense, because that is exactly how he’s portrayed in canon.

To Keith, Shiro is “like a brother to [him]”, but what do we see of that dynamic? The show has a clear sense of how a brother acts, that’s a good chunk of Pidge’s character. We barely even know Matt, but Pidge carries herself in such a way that it’s clear when her brother shines through her. And yet even though Shiro also goes missing, twice even, Shiro does not shine through his brother. Keith’s impulses are his own, developed from general abandonment issues rather than Shiro’s specific absence. Shiro’s absence becomes less of Shiro’s absence and more of an absence of a beloved leader figure, kind of a martyr, a “Shiro would have wanted you to carry on”. It is really hard for us as a fandom to use Shiro’s disappearance as anything but a plot device, because that’s all it felt like! We have occasional moments with Shiro, enough to care about him in some way, but as a figure, not as a person. Someone pointed it out on one of my fics and I agree wholeheartedly — Shiro is not shown with any flaws, and that makes it really hard to love him, because you don’t really get the pleasure of defending him, of seeing his motivations, his reasons. Not until the very end, at least.

This is, in all honesty, likely just poor writing. Shiro’s character was honestly just sidelined to a role, because he is really not that present in the show. But I am going to work with the benefit of the doubt, and see if I can use the lion change to explain why we all kind of love Shiro anyway, despite the fact that he’s flat as hell.

Shiro isn’t the Black Paladin. He never was. He flew the Black Lion, yes, and he flew her well — but he was never her Chosen. He couldn’t have been. From the very beginning, the Black Lion was in mourning; she was in no space to choose a new paladin. She accepted Shiro, and she loved him, but he did not fall into her as much as he fell into the role she provided for him. He piloted the Black Lion, but he was not her Paladin. This is made obvious in two ways: in that he never got her bayard, and that from the very beginning, he set up a replacement for himself.

Doesn’t that strike anyone else as odd? I haven’t seen the show in five years, and I don’t plan on rewatching, but I do remember that every moment with Shiro almost had this underlying tension. The closest thing I have to canon off the top of my head is the Handbook (which I had to stop reading because they did everyone SO dirty there, even though some of it was honestly pretty funny), which was released in S2, and even that incredibly early canon talked about Keith replacing Shiro!

From the very beginning, Shiro was planning an out to his role. He knew it was not meant for him. He did the role well, but it was not his to do.

Aside from those two reasons, Shiro also…can’t be the Black Paladin. He can’t be that and himself, I mean. This part is a little more complicated, so I’m going to borrow some of my own tags from some awesome fanart I saw:

I really do think Shiro is defined by his humanity (as is heavily implied by his illness — this is a character who is completely and totally bound to his mortality. Of all the other characters, he is the one most familiar with death, so he is the one who is most intimate with the raw fear of being human. But more on that later), but it’s my last comment that I want to focus on — “he is DEFINED by his his humanity…even as his greatest asset is the part of him that is not human”.

Every second that Shiro is leader of Voltron, he is the Champion. That can literally be his only goal — he is the head of the fight against Zarkon and the Empire. Either Shiro comes out the Champion, or Zarkon does. Either Shiro has to grit his teeth and fight off the flashbacks and the fear and the pain and use the one thing that forces him to reconcile with the fact that he had his entire personhood stripped away (his arm, his Galra arm, one of their biggest advantages as a team; his connection to Zarkon through Black, something that can only help the war effort at a direct cost to him; everything he does in this war is shoving him right back into that Arena again and again and again), or Zarkon wins. Every second Shiro pilots Black, every time he plays her paladin, he has to be who the Empire made him to be. He has to be the Champion. Once again he is not Takashi Shirogane, the person, the astronaut, the man, he is the Role. He is the Space Dad he is the Pilot of the Black Lion he is the Champion. For every second he is in that lion he is stripping away himself.

Obviously, that is something that was never sustainable. On this argument alone, Shiro was going to waste away eventually. There was always going to be a point where Shiro was not going to be able to be the Champion anymore. There was always, from the very way the dynamic was set up, going to have to be a lion switch. Now, interestingly enough, there could have been a really easy fix to this: Black Paladin Allura. She’s already a born and raised leader, already shown her immense competence, already someone the rest of the paladins follow. With her at the helm, nothing else would have to change, right?

Well, maybe. We’ll never know. One part of that is absolutely true — Allura should have been a paladin from the very beginning. Her quintessence is canonically closest to the entirety of Voltron (something that bears its own essay,; the relationship between all six of the paladins and Voltron is wrought with heavy symbolism), she is the most highly trained, she is smart, and she actually wants to be out on the field. She should have been in that armour from day one.

But Allura cannot be the Black Paladin. Allura cannot handle other’s sacrifice.

Of course this is a complicated subject. Should a leader sit back and let her crew sacrifice themselves instead of her? Must she hold herself in higher regard, convince herself she’s more important? Of course not! Teams, especially Voltron, are built with assets. While not everyone might be ‘equal’ in the traditional sense, they are all integral, and expecting sacrifices is not the stance I am trying to take here. But the point of a team, especially a team so small and vital as Voltron, is that everyone is willing to be the sacrifice, as they have to be, and Allura simply can’t handle that. She shows us this from the beginning, when she disguises herself as Galra and is taken in place of anyone on the team she barely knows, and again in Oriande with the White Lion, and finally in the piece of shit canon ending. Allura has to be the sacrifice. Every time.

And how could she not be? The last time she spared herself of sacrifice, she lost her entire people. The last time she let others sacrifice themselves for her, she was left alone, to shoulder a war bigger and greater than she could ever handle. Allura is painfully familiar with the agony of being the survivor, and she cannot do that again. She cannot and will not put herself through that again. As the Black Paladin, she would have to let her team make sacrifices — she would have to let them have their own agency, their own decisions; she would have to let them choose to get hurt and choose to do risky things and analyse and react and act. As leader she would have to trust her team to put themselves in harm’s way, and not only that, but she would have to authorize them to do so.

Like Shiro cannot last as the Champion, Allura cannot last as the Survivor. Shiro cannot even last in Voltron, and it is foolish to keep Allura out of it. A lion change is absolutely necessary for the show to move forward, for the war to move forward. The initial team was doomed to fail.

How would it change, then? What would fit? I know I’ve said my piece. I know who I think would fit where. But since I’ve been comparing character arcs to their roles as paladins, I’d like to keep doing that — what about Keith makes me so sure that he’s the true Black Paladin?

I’ll show you with process of elimination. I know Black Paladin Lance is a favourite, and I can see why. Lance has many leadership qualities, is a good tactician, and cares deeply. However, aside from his desire for power making him less suitable for the role, Lance functions best as support, despite how much he hates it. He is the one who knows how to pick up the pieces of a broken situation. He is an excellent guide, which makes him an unbelievably valuable second. He is adaptable, so he can fill in for many different roles. He can step in for leader when necessary, but putting him in Black would encourage a more active role for him; would force him to anticipate and plan for specific outcomes rather than his strength as one who analyses any outcome as it arises and works within it then. Lance could be the Black Paladin, yes, but taking him from the body and placing him in the head would be a fool’s choice. It would be crippling to Voltron, to put the jack of all trades as a master of one. Lance’s arc is all about learning to love and trust himself as he is, as the seventh wheel. Not to put him in charge of the vehicle.

Well, what about Hunk? Hunk is incredibly intelligent and analytical. He probably could lead Voltron, and did in several occasions. But Hunk’s arc is interesting because it was handled so early in the show. Unlike the rest of the team, Hunk’s arcs were solved largely in the first season. His biggest flaws were his distrust of people and, literally, his inability to fly. He could not take his feet off the ground. He was so untrusting that he could not manage to take a step forward. However his bonding with Yellow and trust with the team and their subsequent and returned trust resolved these issues, more or less, which is probably why Hunk was treated more and more like a side character the longer VLD went on. Hunk didn’t need the role of Black Paladin because he had settled into the Yellow Paladin in a way that was sustainable.

Pidge is in a similar boat. Her arc, primarily, has been about finding her family. Voltron was almost second priority for her, or at least not her only first priority. And understandably so! As the youngest she was afforded with that lenience. Her growth was about growing into her own pain, about becoming her own person alongside what she had become in the absence of her brother. As the Black Paladin, she would no longer have the space to prioritize her search for her family alongside Voltron, so her position as Black Paladin would be unstable. She is best suited in Green, where she can focus on several things at once.

That really only leaves Keith. In many ways it comes full circle — the Black Lion healing from her grief by choosing the man who ran from his Galran heritage and his power as a leader, rather than the man who chose nationalism and power over anything else. Keith is Zarkon’s direct opposite, and as such is the other side of the same coin, the one who is truly Black’s Chosen. We know this because Keith is the one who wields the Black Bayard, and Keith is, from the very beginning, the one the rest of the team chooses to follow — I ask you whether it was for Shiro that the three other humans ran off to chase in the desert, or Keith? Who was it that Lance could not leave alone? Who was it that piqued Hunk’s curiousity? Who was it that challenged Pidge to choose Voltron, rather than the search for her family?

That covers Black Paladin Keith. But what about Red Paladin Lance? I’ve established already why he cannot be the Black Paladin, but why did he have to move from Blue? For that, I bring you another few slices from early, S2 and previous canon:

“I thought what we had was special!” “Seventh wheel, if you count the Alteans.” More than once, Lance laments over being forgotten. He struggles with feeling like anything but the extra, the unnecessary. Whether or not Blue Chose him is irrelevant — he does not feel Chosen by her. The Pilot of the Blue Lion position for Lance is as unsustainable as the Pilot of the Black Lion position for Shiro — Lance does not trust it. He doesn’t trust himself in the role, and doesn’t trust Blue in having chosen it for him. Obviously, this is not the role for him.

But Red? Keith’s Red Paladin, at least? Yes, he struggles with feeling like Keith’s second, but that is literally his arc. Lance’s development is about becoming his own person despite his own misgivings about being second-best. His role as the Red Paladin is the fulfilling of his arc, and is thus the best Lion for him, the Chosen. And Red did Choose him, mind you. There was an adjustment period, of course there was, but Red did more than let Lance pilot her. She opened up new possibilities for Lance — think the broadsword — that he could not see. Red saw his potential and revelled in it. She Chose him.

Lastly — and this turned out to be less relevant to the essay than I expected, but I do want to go over it a tad — is Shiro’s tie to humanity. I mentioned two important points: Shiro’s connection to mortality makes him the most intimate with his humanity out of all the characters, and he is undoubtedly the flattest character of them all. That is, if you don’t consider his clone to be part of his character.

But I’m begging you to reconsider. Reconsider, perhaps, who the clone is — Haggar had pure access to Shiro for a year, you remember. His thoughts, his dreams, his mannerisms, his priorities, his body. Even him at his most human, his most deranged, his most scared. She had Shiro then. She had Shiro when he had nothing to look forward to. She had Shiro when he hurt his crew to make sure they would live, at direct cost to himself.

She stripped him of his humanity — his connection to his own mortality. She took his illness from him. And who, then, did she return to the team? Who was clone? Shiro, mostly. The clone was happy to play with the team. The clone was clever. The clone believed, fully, that he was Shiro, only he was angrier and meaner, a little, and less capable of shoving down his own pain. Shiro, stripped of his tie to humanity and mortality, stripped of his compulsive need to be strained and stressed and the one everyone else can rely on, the Role rather than the Person, is emotional. He has flaws and outbursts. He can’t manage his own pain. He is is cruelest to the one person on the team — Lance — who canonically reminds him closest of himself.

Shiro, in the purest form that Haggar can make him, is flawed and self-hating. That is where our love for him comes. Not the man who pushes himself down at the same time as he sacrifices his personality to be someone for others, but the man who is struggling and can’t keep it locked down. That’s where it comes from.

Anyways. Like with my other essay, I’ll admit that this analysis is probably reading into this. The writing of VLD was flawed, at best, but regardless, I think the lion change is a rich amalgamation of the characters and who they really are.

[carigm]

Today Millie had a fan panel in which she answered that her ideal ending would be Mike and El getting married and Will being happy and confessing to Mike (lol) and ofc the Stranger Things fandom kicked up the old Byler vs Mlvn war once again, regardless of the fact she doesn’t write the show. But I want to break down some points here about things I’ve been noticing today, but also for a while and that I think need to be discussed. Keep reading if you want.

I’ve seen a lot of hostility towards Byler and Bylers on Twitter lately, saying we’re delusional and don’t know what we’re talking about. This always seems to be the go to argument even tho it’s all in the narrative. Today it got really bad after Millie’s comments and even people that were merely disagreeing with her opinions got called everything from delusional to misogynistic.

IF the Duffers suddenly decided to ignore everything they’ve carefully crafted and put into their narrative that doesn’t make anyone delusional, it just makes them terrible writers. Who would be doing a great disservice to all three characters involved in the love triangle.

There’s been an insurgence (on Twitter) of so called “Will stans” who seem to be completely fine with the idea of mlvn being endgame because “Will can just get another boyfriend” Not only is this insulting to what the writers have already established for Will’s character but it’s also a defense and endorsement of the worst kind of lazy/bad writing that could graze our screens.

The Duffers CHOSE to tie Will’s character arc to Mike’s and El’s.

How do you expect them to undo that and create a well fleshed out character that’s deserving of Will, in 8 episodes that we know are not just gonna be dedicated to Will’s supposed love interest, because there’s a shit ton of stuff to resolve?

If this was the route the Duffers were going for, they could’ve clearly given Will a love interest last season (like with Robin) or two seasons ago (like with Dustin) And yet somehow, people think it would be totally okay for Will to get the most meaningless romance of all time as the writers ignore the same story they’ve created.

Another point I’ve been seeing a lot from these people is “Mike won’t come out. Let it go. He’s just a very unlikable character” What does that say about the quality of the writing and content you’re willing to consume then? You’re okay with characters being poorly written? And please someone explain to me how Mike’s actions, especially in S4, make any sense unless he likes Will.

The more people try to simplify this story the more plot holes and inconsistencies it creates.

The funny thing is that a lot of these “Will stans” used to be Bylers themselves but are so deathly afraid it won’t be endgame that they’ve started to use the same rhetoric mlvns use every day to justify what would be atrocious writing.

And this next thing might be controversial but I think it needs to be said.

So many people on Twitter have hit those who disagree with Millie’s opinion today with “y’all are misinterpreting Millie’s words” and let me tell you, no one has. She’s been saying the same stuff for forever and quite frankly she’s never had a coherent thought about Will. Which is fine, at the end of the day that’s not the character she plays. However, I haven’t forgotten how last year (at another panel) she was asked about Byler and said it was just a reflection of Finn and Noah’s friendship and that was what people were seeing…

Whatever the fuck that means, I guess.

Again, I’m not taking her answer today too seriously cause truth be told she’s been saying some version of this since she was around twelve, and has even at times said she was joking about it. If a wedding were actually happening she wouldn’t be able to say it cause I’d literally be a spoiler, even if she doesn’t have the scripts yet or doesn’t know I’m sure there’s things that would be off limits for any actor to say at this point.

But this defense squad that formed today begging for us to not misconstrue her words because “she really cares about Will’s character” is laughable.

Her answers regarding the topic of the love triangle have been anything but nuanced. If she doesn’t want to get into it or address it, that’s fine. It’s her choice.

But of course, mlvn stans are gonna take her answers seriously, as well as those who are now “Will stans” who basically ship mlvn too.

And to me there’s a fundamental flaw regarding the ship wars in this fandom, which these people don’t seem to grasp. At this point, it isn’t so much about “which ship is better” but “which outcome isn’t violently homophobic”

That’s it.

I don’t care how much you ship mlvn, this is the undisputed truth here.

But when your lead actors act like it’s not a big deal, it’s no surprise the fandom doesn’t give a shit.

I can only hope the Duffers were smart enough to see reason and were able to write the only outcome that won’t set television back around 10 years or so.

And hopefully one day, when S5 is out, we can get a more in depth and honest conversation with the actors about all of this.

As for me, I’m gonna lay low and not give much of a fuck until we start getting those Reddit leaks, which were very much accurate for last season. I’ll take a peak at those, and depending on what they look like, I’ll stay around or dip completely.

If you read all of this, thank you.

[bonesandthebees]

Hi Bee! You seem to read a lot of books, and I've been trying to get back into reading books rather than fanfiction as of late (which is going good atm). I used to read a lot of actual books when I was younger, but once I was a pre teen I'd discovered fic and had trouble reading actual books unless I had to for school lol. Anyway, my question is do you have any book recs? While for right now, it is going well, I only have two books I'm planning on reading after I finish the two I'm reading simultaneously right now. So it'd be nice to have some more for once I finish those as well. :D

Another reason for my wanting to get back into reading actual types of books is studying a more formal written literature to improve my writing, and to observe what author's do with their writing style that I'd want to incorporate in my own writing. If you have any tips for studying/observing, I'd also love some of those.

While this doesn't really have to do with the whole book thing, I just wanna say that you definitely inspired me to want to write more. Most of your titles always sound so cool and make me wanna read anything of yours solely based off them, and your plot, descriptiveness, metaphors, Greek mythology references, and so many other little things about it make it so enjoyable to read and something I'd strive to be within my own writing. A little silly, I know, considering it's MCYT fic, but your writing is genuinely so cool.

That's all I wanted to say, bye bye.

this is so kind thank you!! it seriously makes me so happy anytime someone tells me my silly fic writing inspired them to start/improve their own writing. writing is such a beautiful art but it's also a skill you have to put so much time into. you're off to an amazing start already with recognizing that you have to read published novels to improve your writing. it seriously helps so much.

I can definitely give you some recs! I'll put them under a read more, but since you asked for tips when reading novels:

try to pay attention to things you like and don't like about the author's writing style. like if you're reading a novel and there's a line of description that's particularly gorgeous or sets a scene super well, consider annotating the book with a pen or highlighter or if you don't own the book itself, copy down the line/paragraph somewhere (notebook, notes app, smth like that) to refer back to later. or if you find yourself super immersed in a conversation going on between two characters, take a step back to notice how the author writes out the conversation. is there a lot of physical description of what the characters are doing while they speak that lets you picture th escene easily? or is the dialogue rapid fire back and forth which forces you to just be sucked into it? what about it do you like?

or, on the contrary, if you find yourself struggling to enjoy a book try to notice what about the writing style is pulling you away. is there too much flowery description that makes you want to skip ahead? is there too much exposition so you feel like you're just getting an infodump instead of a narrative? take stock of what your own thoughts are as you read and then try to figure out why that is.

also, a tip I heard once is that you can always try to emulate a specific style. if you want to improve your writing and you just read a book with a writing style you really want, maybe try and write a random scene in that same style. it doesn't have to be anything original or even good, no one ever has to see it, it can just be for your own practice. just keep the book beside you and try to pick out what makes the writing style distinct, and try to emulate that. not saying you have to adopt that style, but just trying out a new style can give you some variation to help you develop/improve your own.

okay now book recs time, this'll get long so putting it below

now you didn't specify what kinds of books you like to read so I'm going to just throw in a few from a few different genres I've read. most of these are books I've recced here on my blog before but they're all a bit scattered so I'll rec them again. now, I mostly read fantasy or historical fiction because I just like those genres but I'll try to include some variety here

Genre: Fantasy (Typical Medieval)

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

one of my all time favorite novels. incredibly expansive fantasy worldbuilding that draws from a variety of cultures that's not exclusive to just europe. of course there's one country that's fantasy england, but you also have countries that take inspiration from asia, africa, and the middle east. you follow several characters that vary in age, race, gender, sexuality, etc. and they're all wonderfully fleshed out and fascinating. the story itself is also just fantastic and the world really swallows you whole. there's also a prequel to this called A Day of Fallen Night that I actually think I liked a bit more than Priory, but I'd recommend reading Priory first because it's easier to get into the world through that one whereas ADOFN is a bit more dense.

Genre: Fantasy (Apocalyptic? Sci fi? Kind of?)

The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin

similar to priory, the fifth season is a masterclass in worldbuilding and creating interesting worlds. that's where the similarities end though. technically speaking The Fifth Season is a fantasy and not a sci fi, although it feels more like sci fi to me tonally. The Fifth Season explores a world that is so regularly tormented by apocalyptic natural disasters that everything is formed around survival and it makes for such an interesting culture. the story also does an incredibly interesting and unique thing with POV that I rarely see in novels so that's also super fascinating to dig into for writing study. currently reading the sequel to this one and I love it so far.

Genre: Historical Fiction

Hild by Nicola Griffith

alright if you really wanna stretch some writing/reading muscles this is definitely a book you can try out. but be warned, it is dense. I'm a fairly fast reader and it took me so much longer to read this than I was expecting just because of how dense the writing is. this story takes place in 7th century Anglo-Saxon Britain so there's a lot of Old English words thrown in, and while there's a glossary at the back it doesn't cover everything. this is a really interesting novel though that dives deep into the time period and the specific life of one girl as she grows up at the heart of the political machinations of the Anglo-Saxon kings. really great if you're like me and think learning a lot about what life was like in this time period is super fun, but I could see it being a drag for people not super into history like that. I still think it's a really good story though on its own, especially with how the main character is characterized as she grows up, and how it represents all the politics going on at this time

Genre: Satire/Dystopian Fiction

Chain Gang All-Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

I'm including this because I'm trying to give you a bit of genre variety. If you want to read an adult dystopian book for our modern day this is definitely an excellent one to pick up. warning, it's incredibly effective as a dystopian novel because all I felt was dread and fear after finishing it. it takes place in the near future where the prison industrial complex has been combined with the entertainment industry. prisoners who are serving a sentence of either 25+ years or life are given the option to compete in televised gladiator style death matches. if they survive 3 years, they'll be released. the novel is incredibly on the nose and not subtle whatsoever about it's criticisms of capitalism and racism, especially the racism that the prison industrial complex is built on. the horrifying thing about reading it is how easily I could see this becoming a reality, especially the brand sponsorships. it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time because of how ridiculous but realistic it was.

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

And here we have my all time favorite novel. this novel is a great example of unreliable narrator and how to tell a story two different ways. if you don't know the twist for this already, go into it blind, I promise it'll be more fun that way. the premise of the story seems simple—the morning of their 5th anniversary, a man's wife goes missing and the story follows his attempts to find her. but it gets way messier than that. this novel is an excellent example of how to characterize horrible people and still make them enjoyable to read about. also, if you're like me and enjoy media about two shitty people having an unhealthy and fucked up relationship, you'll adore this.

Okay that's a lot so I'll stop there for now, but feel free to pop into my inbox if you want anymore recs! especially if there's a specific genre you're looking for. if I've read anything that fits what you're looking for I'd be happy to throw it your way!