#before realizing I'm basically describing my own relationship with it. and that my experiences are not universal esp in regards to that

[daz4i]

I'm gonna let you in on a badly kept secret. most of my dazai analysis is truly just me projecting. but being decent enough at bullshitting to make it sound convincing so ppl usually end up agreeing with my takes

[formylovetodaryldixon]

"Daryl Dixon: NSFW alphabet."

Summary: Daryl Dixon's version of the NSFW alphabet with you meeting each other since the beginning.

@kitt-iiworld: Hii.. since you made the sfw alphabet (I loved it) could you make the nsfw version now?

A/N: Hi, love! Thanks for your request, I really really hope you like this. I even thought THIS would be a good idea for a story, though I don't know if I could properly describe how the sex between you and Daryl turned into something more. This story is not that explicit, but still I leave a warning. I'm sorry if I can't express myself well; my English isn't great, but I'm trying to improve. Thanks!

A = Aftercare (What he does after sex)

During his sex life before you, Daryl Dixon didn’t give a damn about what happened afterward: he only care about the very end for him. That is why meeting you in that new world was confusing for him because all Daryl was looking for in the beginning was some kind of release (you didn’t mind, you were looking for the same thing). But for Daryl, your honest concern for him outside the tent, for example, made him start to realize that sex did come with some kind of show that he cared about how your body acclimated to the cold after feeling hot as hell, not just getting dressed again, but waiting for you to come down from your own high, so he started to stay with you long after the end. (Which was just as confusing for you, too.) And as Daryl fell in love with you at the same time that he was getting the idea that the strangers around him were important to him, he became a real lover, caring, attentive to what you needed afterwards to the point of being able to take care of you to share everything with you if there was a surface where he could sleep next to you without worrying about danger.

B = Body part (His favorite body part of himself and also his partner's)

Daryl had never wasted his time on something as banal as his looks, but everything about him was wild and almost pornographic. Daryl was hot, always wearing his sleeveless shirt that showed off his well-defined arms after working with them his whole life, under his angel-wing vest (that made him look like a damn rock star), but one compliment from you that made him shy (and at the same time made him feel confident that you didn't see anyone else like that) was the praise for his arms, which stood out without even flexing them. Daryl was inexperienced in the matter of relationships, but even he could detect the change in your breathing when his hand rested on your waist for some reason, especially to pull you closer, so he loved to hold you in them.

When he understood that love and pleasure did go hand in hand, for Daryl your body became sacred so he loved everything about it, because it was the only place where he could get everything at the same time: so it was a duty for him to make sure that you got all the pleasure from him that you could have and that he could give you, because his own climax was seeing that you had reached it with him.

C = Cum (Basically that)

Condoms are a must, of course, because Daryl doesn't want to start making babies, at least until he knows the place where he can make a home and a family with you is actually safe, a place where you two can settle down and not worry about danger. But since the Alexandria infirmary isn't always stocked with them, and birth control is scarce, if not nonexistent, the "safest" thing to do without missing out on that particular kind of fun is to pull it out before finish.

Which brings us to the next point.

D = Dirty secret (A dirty secret of his)

As time went on and as his relationship with you progressed, Daryl discovered that there was something arousing about spilling himself over you, seeing a part of himself dripping down your thigh if you two did it on the bathroom counter for example: it was like knowing that only he had access to those parts of your body that were always going to be off-limits to anyone else.

E = Experience (How experienced is he?)

Before you, Daryl only cared about himself, finding his climax and releasing his own lust or even his own frustration. The bars in his city were idyllic for that, so his experience was one-night stands, or even a few hours, rather, because for him it was a waste of time taking the women home or go to theirs. Meeting you at the end of the world for Daryl, at first, was just finding someone to do it with, but as life forced you to live together, doing it with the same person made his experience grow, because it made Daryl more observant to the point of perfectly remember those places inside you that made you press yourself against him more or moan louder, until the idea of him pleasing you was what made him finish too.

F = Favorite position

The Daryl of the beginning of the apocalypse cared about positions because he related it to dominating and not being dominated, so it was always one where he was in control of the situation (although he disliked positions where the woman was degraded because he liked to be in control but not hurt anyone in any way) but as Daryl got older and sex went from being that to making love, any position where he could see your face and the changes in it as you got higher was something he preferred.

G = Goofy (Is he serious or funny in the moment?) (Russian roulette)

“Shut it.” He warns you, keeping his warm mouth close to your entrance. “Fuck, why ya always taste so damn good? Makes me wanna live in between yer legs all the fuckin’ time.”

He wasn’t normally a very talkative person, but when Daryl was on the right mood he loved saying things that he knew would turn you on, leading you to the edge of being out of breath.

(Don't know if this makes sense, sorry) More than a teaser or a joker, Daryl is a bit more talkative even before you two do it because that's when words matter as much as actions (if you know what I mean) because his words are the conduit to have you where he wants you: squeezing your legs closed when they become images in your head, anticipating the moment that's going to come, whether it's happening right there or a little while. And when it happens, he has to tell you how you make him feel too. So Daryl is somehow always serious just because he means every word.

H = Hair (All kind of hair)

The first time before you two did it and the moment his beard (which Daryl had never bothered to shave completely) brushed your face, you giggled saying "it tickles me," but the giggle it provoked in you was enough for him to notice that something like that didn't bother you at all, which made him continue doing it on future occasions on purpose just to hear a sound he thought he'd never hear again in his life during the apocalypse, plus your laughter felt full of colors in a gray world.

As for his hair, the idea was to let it grow because cutting it often was a waste of time for Daryl, and although even Carol offered to do it, he kept rejecting the offer. But there was a silent compliment every time you pretended to downplay how good he looked until Daryl heard it out loud from you: you look like a rock star, and everyone wants to fuck the rock star.

And ya do? It was practically the only joke Daryl ever made, but that question was completely honest too because at that point in his life, he only cared about you.

As for you-know-where *wink*, he likes to keep it short enough to see the times you're the one who decides to go down on him, to get the full view of your lips against him that has him grunting in seconds.

I = Intimacy (How the moment starts?)

Sex evolved from that to lovemaking, but it was always passionate and intense, no matter if it had to be fast of slow. But when it started, you'd usually joke around with, "I'm in the mood, do you want to do it?" Or the moment would flow depending on whether one of you had been out on a supply run without the other, so your bodies would move automatically, seeking each other's warmth after being away from each other, especially since you were already used to being together most of the time. For Daryl, it would start with the brush of his hand over a particular part of your body without anyone noticing if you were with someone, and if you were alone and somewhere comfortable, he usually knew how to read the mood in the room before pressing his lips against yours.

J = Jack off (Masturbation)

He's not a big fan of doing it because being with you quells his own desires, but when the group for a supply run doesn't lump the two of you together, Daryl considers it, especially since his body misses yours terribly and when his mind starts projecting you in the most sinful ways he can think of.

K = Kink (Like, something he likes to hear or feel) (When you finally came back)

“Ya can read it.” He gets closer to you, pushing you softly for you to lay on your back, climbing on you, his nose brushing your skin as he starts kissing your neck, his hand caressing your side. “I'll entertain myself with somethin’ else.”

You love the sudden hot feeling, the tickling between your legs in anticipation, the need to have him close again.

“That’s not fair, you asshole.” You chuckle, trying your best to read the letter.

Daryl loves the aggression, chuckling too against your skin as he pulls himself lower, just to meet your most sensitive and still covered area. His hands look for the bottom and the zipper of your jeans, pushing them out of you with your underwear lock in his fingers. You try very hard to concentrate on reading, trying to understand the messy words on the paper, but when Daryl buries his face into you without a warning, just to devour you completely, earning a moan form your closed lips, it is impossible to do so.

Two things: (pet names aside or when you tell him to keep going or not stop) the first is the way that only you can call him names (playing) just because it breaks the perpetuated idea that Daryl is dangerous in a bad way, like he would hurt people for no reason. He is dangerous to strangers who exude danger, who seem capable of hurting his family for mere fun or sadism, so his posture or his gaze alone is a warning that they should stay away from his people, but Daryl is not that way with you, ever, so hearing you call him those names (in a jokingly way) is fun for him because despite everything, he only seeks to be a companion with you.

“That feels good?” He asks, and you nod, drowned in the sensation too much to form a word. “Lemme hear ya, peach. I really need ya right now.”

He chokes with his own words, looking at you with eyes full of lust, between the strands of hair that fall over his forehead, but when you think that can’t get any hotter, Daryl brings two of his fingers to his mouth, sucking on them before pressing them against your clit, rubbing the area, hard and fast, causing you to cry his name.

The second thing: devouring you first before sinking into you while feeling what he does to your body with his lips and fingers.

L = Location (Places to do it)

When you two first met, the only place to do it was in his tent because it was further away from the rest, or if it was the place (if it was safe) where you two were looking for something useful for the camp, especially since you were the only person Daryl accepted as a partner, and because the rest of them feared him. Same at the farm. And when you and the group arrived at the prison, it was safer to do it in the cells, in something comfortable like a bed because you didn't find one often in that world anymore. In Alexandria, Daryl started to enjoy sex on the kitchen counter if he couldn't find your warm body next to him in bed, especially since your body was more sensitive in the early mornings, plus the sounds you made drove him crazy.

M = Motivation (What turns him on?)

SO many things about you, but mostly you: it was almost ridiculous and even embarrassing for Daryl at first, the way he used to check you out because he was almost always more isolated from the rest of the people, so it was easy to capture the curve of your ass, or your legs when you started wearing shorts because it was so hot. Daryl didn't even have to imagine you naked to get turned on, and once you two started doing t, it was easy for him to finish after fantasizing about you. And on the occasions when you wore a dress on the farm to mitigate the heat, maybe borrowed from Maggie, or some skirt, it was enough for Daryl to get so turned on by imagining himself lifting it up and sliding your underwear off for him to plunge into you.

No = No (The turn offs)

Daryl is dangerous in that world, aggressive when he needs to be to protect his family because unfortunately the situations called for it, but after a lifetime of pain, the mere idea of ​​bringing that kind of aggression anywhere remotely near you is a resounding no to him. However, time together has given him the confidence to touch you and been playful and to know exactly how far to go, because Daryl knows your limits and his own, but since that idea has never excited either of you, he prefers "intensity," not pain. Never.

O = Oral (Giving or receiving)

Again, the idea of ​​eating you out first is his duty, savoring the moment if there's time for the whole game until he brings you to the end, perhaps at the end of the day where you two can be alone and at peace, or doing it faster if there isn't, but every chance he gets, Daryl does it. It's arousing and even ego-boosting to hear you, to feel you in his mouth, and the way your body reacts to his touch: your hand in his hair to hold him there or even to urge him to go deeper, or the way you resist squeezing your legs closed when he's in between while his own hands are on your hips or thighs to pull you closer to him, even though he physically can't anymore.

At the same time, Daryl LOVES the idea of ​​you going down on him, from start to finish. If he’s leaning against a wall, he’s driven crazy by the way you unbuckle his belt and his pants, sliding them down to his knees if there’s no time to remove them completely, with the sight of your lips pressing against his dick, going up and down all his length, your own hand wrapping around it while the other gripped his thigh. His reaction to pleasure is almost the same as yours, placing his hand on your head to guide you so you can take him all the way (without forcing), but the feel of your hot mouth on him has him grunting in seconds.

P = Pace (Is he fast? Or slow?)

It depends on your mood and what's happening around you two. It's always intense, but in different ways. Sometimes Daryl just wants to feel you pressed against him without any clothing while you both slowly enjoy the pleasure of the moment, feeling the swaying of your body and his without any rush, kissing and touching because there is time, although the feeling of the end always makes him increase the intensity with which he started. It basically depends on the moment and how life goes by.

Q = Quickie

With random girls in bars or other places, it was fine for Daryl because there were no feelings tying them to him, perhaps because the idea of ​​just pulling down his pants and doing it was all for him, but as he fell in love with you, the idea of ​​doing it in a hurry became something he no longer enjoyed, not when he started wanting to take his time feeling your body and your warmth. Daryl started enjoying the foreplay and what came after (even if you didn't have all the time in the world) to the point where he needed at least a moment to come down from that high with you by his side, and he didn't want to abruptly feel the cold your body left on his when you were the one who pulled away first, until one day, it was Daryl who questioned why you had to leave so quickly, and saying that out loud opened the door for him to consider that there were starting to be feelings involved. In conclusion, it wasn't the few minutes to do it, but rather the feeling that your body was just a means to obtain something for him alone.

R = Risk (Something risky?)

No. Absolutely nothing life-threatening. Daryl wants you alive, so anything that would put that at risk, even to experience new things, (even if I can't imagine what) is a no-no. You were pretty laid-back too, so you both enjoyed the ordinary. Perhaps the riskiest thing you both did was doing it knowing someone could find you (not necessarily something you purposely sought out, it just happened).

S = Stamina (How long can he last?)

Daryl can do it a couple of times, but he prefers to do it once, but using the time well, building the tension appropriately, tiring your body and his so that after chatting for a while, you can both sleep peacefully if it's the end of the day. You often joke that you're not getting any younger and that doing it once a day, but doing it properly was all you needed, and he agreed with that. Oddly, that chaotic life gave him a sense of peace when he was with you, so Daryl enjoyed the time with you, alone, without any clothing on. Doing so was intense, but somehow, it calmed the madness of his world too.

❧ T = Toys (Does he like toys?)

Nope. Maybe the Daryl of the beginning would feel like his masculinity was being offended, but you weren't interested in anything else either, so the idea never came up.

U = Unfair (Does he like to tease you?) (Didn’t get how this is different from the G, but oh well hehe)

In the lead-up to it, Daryl is amused by the way your body reacts to those little touches of his to let you know what’s coming next, just because time together has given him the confidence to tease you like that. Like his hand resting on your lower back because it’s a sensitive spot for you when you know what he’s asking for, and the way you arch slightly makes him feel good. During it, Daryl has learned how to change the pace of his thrusts just to make the moment last a little longer, so he would tease you like that, especially when it has you whining and begging him to move faster. But in the end, he always gives you all the pleasure he can give.

V = Volume (The sounds he makes or how loud he can get)

The sounds you make are something that have Daryl grunting against your mouth like an animal, especially if you're about to cum too. He's quiet in his daily life, talkative enough when you're alone together, but the sounds you make against him, against his shoulder or neck, are something that turns him on to the point where he has to crush his mouth against yours to stifle those little sounds he starts to make too. He's not that loud, but in the beginning, you two were always around someone so you were always careful about that. Before you, Daryl used to talk to women just to feed his own ego, sarcastically asking if it felt good because he knew what he was doing, but with you, it was a need to let you know that you made him feel good, that he needed only you.

W = Wild card (A random headcanon) (Same as the P, I guess?)

As the feelings grew and Daryl got older, trusting you (because he didn't trust anyone, much less intimately) made him enjoy having you on top of him, moving with him inside you however you wanted, (thinking about his pleasure too) with his hands on your hips or thighs to help you move even better.

X = X-ray (You know what I mean)

Without going into too much detail, it's big enough to fill you completely. Not too small, not too monstrously large to hurt you.

Y = Yearning (His sex drive?)

Daryl didn't think compulsively about sex, but when he was in a bar and there was always someone looking for the same thing, he did it. When you two met at camp in Atlanta and he started noticing you and even fantasizing about you, it was something that hadn't happened to him before, especially because he didn't usually like doing it with the same person over and over again. But as the act continued to repeat itself, Daryl began to feel the need to do it again with you, until he understood that he needed it not just for the action, but for the desire to be close to you, and feel you that way while you two enjoyed the pleasure. Physically, it was everything about you that attracted him, but it was also the way you, and only you, could roll your eyes at him, respond to his sarcasm with more sarcasm, the way you didn't feel intimidated by him when others were scared to be around him. That fierceness in you drove him crazy to the point of wanting you, not every minute of the day, but enough to be the one who looked for you first.

Z = Zzz (How quickly he falls asleep)

Daryl never slept much or well in the past, so when you two started spending time together afterward, he started sleeping better with you next to him, and it made him seriously wonder what the heck was going on with him. But at the same time, Daryl was discovering for the first time in his life what it was like to talk about nothing in particular with you before sleeping together, sharing stories until he was longing for it. During the day, he started thinking about what story he would tell you, especially something to make you laugh after he told you about the time he got lost in the woods as a kid (because after how worried you were about that), you laughed at the way Daryl ended by saying that everything had turned out okay, except for the fact that his butt was burning from having to wipe it with poison ivy. After the first time you slept together after doing so, Daryl would often fall asleep after you, just to make sure that until he couldn't resist sleep anymore, you were safe.

By the time you two were on the prison and in Alexandria, Daryl did the same thing, talking with you until you would fall asleep first, with him following you a little bit after.

[keshainlov]

◟ 🎭 Blaire Jade Auclair.◞

Heyyyy, other bully oc in the list, and this time I like to do a freaky oc¿ Idk how to describe it but you'll see.

Basic Info

— Name: Blaire Jade Auclair.

— Age: 17

— Clique: None.

— Height: 1.77 cm | 5'10 ft

— Weight: 59 kg | 131 lb

— Personality: Cynical, apathetic, usually in her own world (drugs), loyal but can also be the opposite, bipolar and with problems with disorders that make her more misunderstood. Unstable and impulsive as well as aggressive and abusive.

Reputation & clique status

— Jocks: 0 %

( 🏈 :: Zero contact with them. Se doesn't like sports, which is why she manages to skip gym classes. )

— Greasers: 11 %

( 🧰 :: She likes strong attitudes and leather clothing, and is obviously flirtatious with them. Although everyone calls her crazy, and no one in the clique gives it much thought. She would flirt more with: Norton, Ricky, Hal, and Johnny. )

— Preps: -0 %

( 💰 :: She can't stand them, absolutely not. She'd probably try to make someone's life miserable twice a week just for fun and because she thinks them deserve it. )

— Bullies: 96 %

( 🥊 :: She connects much more with them. She's chaotic and loves trouble, and she wouldn't hesitate to join in on any of their planned mischief. She'd also try to use Russell to her advantage if she had unresolved issues with someone. )

— Nerds: 25 %

( 🧠 :: She likes to tease them, mock them, ridicule them, and embarrass them both in public and in private. Sometimes she steals a book, a pencil case, a pencil, even an entire backpack and throws it somewhere. But not at the academy, somewhere in town. Or she keeps it for herself if she needs it for something, but it's more likely the former. She bullies and harasses one more than the others; in this case, she harasses Earnest, Melvin, Algernon, and Bucky the most. Certainly, she annoys Beatrice, but she also loves to tease her, so it's like a strange relationship between the two, since in addition to teasing her, whether it's pulling her hair or using her glasses, she also shows interest in her. )

— Townies: 100 %

( 🧨 :: She gets along quite well with absolutely everyone. It's no secret that she's attracted to Edgar and Gurney. She'd have a close friendship and close trust with Zoe, but nothing more, the same with Clint. )

Grades

— Math: C

— English: D

— Chem: F

— Bio: D

— Art: C+

— Gym: F

— Music: D

— Shop: D

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Now, with some data and lore.

Tw: Drugs, SA/COCSA, Animal cruelty, Mental illness, Eating Disorder, Blackmail.

— ( Reminder: This is an OC, a fictional character that bears no resemblance to my lived experience. This character is only created with no intention of upsetting anyone reading this. I'm trying to make a character assimilated into a complex and unhealthy reality. Bad OCs do exist. Thank you. ) —

» 'Blaire' is her first name, which she doesn't use, preferring her middle name, 'Jade,' as her family calls her Blaire.

» Mental illness: When she was a child she had mild paranoid schizophenia, but because it was inconsistent and consisted mainly of low-level hallucinations, her parents never realized it until much later.

» She previously held a high/middle social status as the daughter of a French military general when she was young. Due to marital problems, Jade's parents separated, leaving her mother, older brother, and Jade in a critical financial situation. Before the divorce, her mother worked in a successful brothel, her older brother was struggling on his own, and Jade was in high school at the age of 14.

» Jade's mother, Minerva, was quite classist and therefore it was normal for her to poison her daughter with this mentality at such a young age.

» Eating Disorder: Her mother stressed that she needed to be thin if she wanted to be beautiful, that she needed to take care of herself, and that she monitored what she ate. If she ate something "wrong", she would make her vomit.

» They resided in Canada, Quebec, Jade was born there and raised there, therefore she has a noticeable Canadian accent.

» She attended a private religious high school, practicing Roman Catholicism.

» SA: In the middle of the Sacrament of Reconciliation (the act of confession before a Catholic priest), the priest touched her inappropriately. Because he was restraining her, he didn't want to she make any noise. She thought it was part of the confession.

» Unlike her brother, she doesn't know much French. Her brother was taught by their father, but she knows it from classes at school.

» When her father leaves home, Minerva must return to working at the brothel, earning money but not enough to support the household, her daughter's schooling, and her older brother, Simon's, education. Jade is therefore forced to attend public school, while Simon is forced to work on the streets while trying to support the family.

» COCSA&Blackmail: When she transferred to this public school, which wasn't the safest or nicest, a few days later, an older boy tried to 🍇 her in the boy's bathroom stall. He didn't, but he had a video of her. Basically, he blackmailed her a thousand times to in making the video public in the institution, and she had to give in. She holds a grudge against him.

» Driven by the violence and impulsiveness of others students, she began to become the same. Committing several fights in classes, during breaks, etc. With this her schizophrenia worsened.

» Animal cruelty: As a way of venting her frustration, stress, and trying to calm down, she would even kick the occasional animal on the street and even kill rats, pigeons, and once a cat.

» In the end, she was expelled for attacking a teacher. And also her strange behavior, everyone, including the principals, calling her crazy or insane and in need of help.

» Her mother, so busy in her own world, didn't bother. Her older brother, Simon, on the other hand, took responsibility and tried to get help from therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists.

» When a job offer came up in Bullworth, New England, Jade's mother decided to move there with her daughter. Initially reluctant, she preferred to stay with her brother, but Simon encouraged her to join him as a way to begin a new life. Jade, being very stubborn, insisted on staying with him, but her mother ultimately took her.

» She entered Bullworth Academy a few days before Jimmy Hopkins.

» The drugs prescribed by the psychiatrist are administered by herself or sometimes by her older brother.

Now! A few some silly, healthier Jade facts. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

★ Since she was little, she has been afraid of the dark, so she always has to sleep with a night light nearby.

★ She has two favorite ice cream flavors: chocolate mint chip and mascarpone.

★ She has no defined sexuality, but the pronoun she's most familiar with is she/her, and she doesn't seem bothered if you call her he/him. Although she'll tell you if you've seen her balls—

★ She was sent to several juvenile reformatories for her destructive behavior, but it was even worse to send her there.

★ Insomnia, which leads her to draw a lot.

★ She knows how to play the violin thanks to her old school, and she also sang in local church choirs.

★ As I said, she's not a good person: Jade used a butterfly knife to put her a first and last initials in Melvin's stomach. (IT reference)

★ The issue of mistreating and killing animals has calmed down quite a bit, he only kills rats and spiders now.

★ She calls Jimmy: John Pork, Piggie, Bald Fat Ass and Minion.

★ She likes Gary, his attitude and way of acting; they would certainly make a disastrous duo. The vibes they give: Again from Noah Cyrus.

★ Die Antwoord Fan.

★ Best friend of Morena Apache (OC made by me), usually both get into fights together, supporting each other's backs and having loyalty towards each other.

★ Jade calls Morena by a nickname: Butchie Butchie or 'Minita'.

★ She has a fairly varied set of knives, given to him by her older brother, Simon. These include: the "Ka-bar" type, the Tactical karambit, the Fairbain-Sykes type, and then more butterfly knives, but with different designs.

★ Her kins:

★ She bites and scratches as a way of showing love.

★ She hides the scars from drug injections.

★ She really lacks any kind of love.

★ She doesn't brush her teeth, which is why they're yellow, especially if she smokes.

★ The broken tooth is from a blow she caused herself while playing a nasty prank on the preps.

★ Leans into the touch.

★ She's smart, but she loves to act stupid and disinterested out of laziness.

★ She has a condition that prevents her from feeling pain: congenital insensitivity to pain. That's why she likes fights, because she laughs in their faces.

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Well! Thats all, phew, was really long.

Btw, I made this OC with the intention of causing some discomfort. Sorry, I absolutely had to make an OC like this.

I hope you like it. You're welcome to comment and ask if you want :D

And another drawing

Also a playlist! Either of what she would listen to and some other song that would define her or could represent her as she is

And very soon, a redesign of Morena Apache + new data/info

[anxious-witch]

Part two of how Dead Boy Detectives shows different ways of love/lust/devotion throughout the characters' rs.

Part one

This part is gonna focus on Edwin/Monty and part three is gonna be about Crystal/Niko(bc I can't shut up, apparently)

So before I delve into Edwin/Monty dynamic, let's just take a look at Monty as a character in his own right.

He is quite literally a crow turned human and then turned back to the crow again. There is this tumblr post that describes the concept of madness in terms of eldritch horror. Basic idea is that madness is when you are an ant, but then for a moment, you can comprehend things as a human would, just to have it taken away again. You have a memory of understanding things far beyond your comprehension, but you can't understand them anymore. That is true madness.

And Monty experiences that, both with being overwhelmed with human emotions and it clearly taking a toll on him in the short period that he is human, and then gets turned into a crow again. Clearly there is still some recollection and understanding he possess, due to the fact he helps Charles, but we'll never really know.

Either way, the bits and pieces we see of Monty's life as a human, we can safely say he has very little to no agency of his own. He was created to fulfill a goal-to lead Charles and Edwin into a trap.

I am not usually a big fan of characters who were "born yesterday" experiencing romance and defining themselves through it, but I think DBD carried out that trope in such a beautiful and unique way. We can't know for certain, but based on Esther's reaction to seeing Monty flirt with Edwin, I think we can conclude she didn't give him direct instructions on how to get their trust. Which meant that Monty choose to pursue Edwin on his own volition.

It was at least a bit out of practicality, I'm sure, since Charles and Crystal had their thing going on, but there was also something that drew Monty to Edwin. I think what's so special in their relationship is that Monty seems surprised Edwin reciprocates his attempts-until the kiss that is. Edwin may scoff at astrology, but then he intently listens to Monty explaining his chart to him. He recommends a book to him, and discusses it with him. He even agrees to go on a night stroll with him!

I don't fully blame Monty for reading Edwin wrong. Up until that point, Edwin seemed very open to his advances. It's easy to us, as the viewer to know Edwin's focus is elsewhere, and that he sees what he and Monty have as friendship.

Anyway, I am derailing my point. What I think is done brilliantly is that the very few choices Monty is allowed to make are centered around Edwin, but they also tells us a hell lot about Monty himself! Monty sees love as a way of understanding a person. That's why he makes Edwin's chart, and whenever you believe in astrology or not, he clearly does. And he thinks he knows Edwin. Edwin is determined, stubborn, protective, but also kind and thoughtful.

Which is why it's such a blow when he completely misreads Edwin's feels during the swingset scene! Monty's idea of love, as naive as it, is shattered. Because it turns out he doesn't know Edwin at all. The whole meeting in the woods, where the Cat King appears only crushes him further, but he felt betrayed even before that.

"Charles is the one you have feelings for. It is so obvious!" Sounds quite a lot like someone who didn't find it obvious up until it was too late to take his actions back. Because it turns out you cannot know a person so quickly. They are much more complex. Too complex, for someone who is only few weeks human, like Monty is.

But then, Edwin admits that he still cared for him. That Monty was his first kiss and despite Edwin not reciprocating his feelings, he is still his friend and that still matters to him greatly. Because there is a more than one way to love and care for someone. Which, by the Monty's reaction, he didn't realize up until that moment.

Immediately upon realizing it, what does Monty do? He turns everything around. Yes, the Cat King stops him and exposes his secret so his attempt is moot, but let's not forget the fact that Monty was about to throw away everything for Edwin in that moment. His whole history with Esther, the threat of her possible vengeance, everything he is up until that point. All because Edwin cares for him. Genuinly, truly confirms he cares for him.

I think that's what makes it so powerful. It isn't romantic love that sways Monty. No, it's the thought of genuine care despite Monty's wrong assesmwnt of Edwin's feelings that changes him.

All Monty wanted was to be cared for. Whatever consideration Esther has for him seems more of the consideration someone has for a useful tool at her disposal. But not Edwin. Edwin cares.

It tells us a lot about Edwin too! Edwin, who says "I am not good with people", Edwin, who protested at Crystal joining the agency because she alive, Edwin, who insisted the living are messy. Yet, up until it's revealed Monty betrayed him, he clearly cares so much, taking his case despite it clearly not being top priority. Because he wants to be Monty's friend, even if he can't love him back.

I also think that, if it wasn't for Monty bringing up Charles and making Edwin feel defensive, Edwin would have forgiven him right then and there. I mean like, just look at his face when he asks Monty if he was just pretending to be his friend and Monty says: "At first, yes! But then, no."

Edwin sympathizes. Edwin forgives Simon for killing him and dooming him to Hell. I don't believe for one second he wouldn't be able to forgive Monty if he knew even a fraction of what he endured by Esther. About how little choice he had in the entire matter.

It's really unfortunate they don't get more scenes together because I feel like they changed each other sm in only a matter of days? Weeks? That they had together. Edwin learned to be more open towards things that are not purely rational, ie astrology, and more importantly, he was learning how to open up, and share his interests with people who aren't Charles. As much as I love Charles, he clearly isn't as interested in reading and literature as Edwin is and that's okay! But Edwin had someone to express that side of himself with, who could reciprocate and open new things for Edwin.

I actually do believe that, under different circumstances and with more time, Edwin could have returned Monty's feelings. Which makes the whole thing more tragic, but alas.

Another interesting thing that occurred to me is that both Monty and the Cat King die by the hands of Esther and her cane when they admit to their love for Edwin. Which, I think, once again symbolizes how those feelings are just too big for the state they are currently in. For the Cat King, that love tirns him more mature and somber. For Monty, it's too overwhelming, and he turns back to his old state, unable to handle them. And yet-even in that form, he cannot deny them, not when Edwin is screaming and he has a chance to help Charles free him. Because as much as we try to go back to how we were before, love, even through heartbreak, changes us.

And Simon-Simon also changes forms after accepting his love for Edwin. He quite literally earns his redemption after it. And Charles? Well, Charles comes out of hell, his shirt back to bright red, because Edwin's love uplifted him sm.

Edwin Payne, truly the man that inspires devotion in everyone he meets

[agirlinatophat]

Arcane and morality

The idea that I think is quite generalized in the arcane fandom is of course that of all the characters being morally grey. Personally, I don't agree with this, rather Id describe all of arcanes characters as nuanced. The good are given realistic flaws that serve to make their character less flat. The bad are given explanations for their bad that aren't used as excuses, but rather serve to give their character depth and reason. They also give the morally bad characters good qualities giving their character a more so realistic feel, this doesn't make them good, but it does make them more believable, and all the more intriguing.

Here is how I personally classify the characters of arcane, using several different spectrums.

1; intent

2; actual actions

3; knowledge of actions repercussions

This is a basic outline of mine, and here is several of my counts. This is only for season one mind you.

Silco; Bad

Silco is an interesting character objectively. And of course, his love for Jinx is touching, it is integral to realize the bad that Silco has done. He has knowledge of it and, though his intent might be too free the undercity, he is in no way offering them a better option. His bad actions give him enough of a push to the bad section for me, even if he still seems capable of love through his relationship with jinx.

Vi; Good

Vi is always striving for one thing, and that is too protect, First her sister and then Caitlyn. Yes, she is flawed, she is impulsive, passionate to a falt, and has lashed out physically at jinx before. But when minding that last action and how it counts into Vi's morally, you have too remember the mental state Vi was in during all this. She realized that she had done bad, and maturely removed herself from the situation too cool down. She in no way intended too permanently leave her sister and through her attempts to protect and reconnect with her I'm convinced to have put her in the good category.

Caitlyn; Good

This one might ruffle some feathers, but I objectively think Caitlyn is good in the first season. Her intent is to assist the undercity and she is eager to learn and change her views once Vi shows her the cruelty piltover inflicts upon it. Yes, it is bad she is an enforcer and upholds an oppressive system, but we have too acknowledge that Caitlyn isn't at first aware that the enforcers are bad. Her only example is grayson, who somewhat glamorized the idea too her. from her point of view it is noble, and she thinks shes being of service. For this I am inclined too put her in the good category.

Jinx; morally grey

jinx is a unique case, because under all other metrics she should be considered bad. Intent? she wants too prove herself to silco and or get Vi back in violent ways. Her actions? She has literally committed mass acts of terrorism with a smile on her face. Knowledge? She knows she's harming people yet continues. So, what is it that redeems Jinx, what makes her unique? Well, their is one factor I have yet to discuss, and that is mental state. Jinx is not sane. She experiences bouts of psychosis, and her raising and being near a person who often encourages her behavior well she doesn't even know if her own body is telling her the truth is what endears us too her as morally grey.

This is just my views on just a few characters because I could write a literal essay if I included them all.

[yanderefan-kimi]

What makes a good yandere character for you? What are some of your favorite yanderes? And what are some that you like the least?

Aaa my first ask! Thank you so much!! Yes, as you can tell from my username, I do like yandere characters quite a bit! And I'm super excited to finally start ranting about them lollll Alright, this might get pretty long so I'll put my answers under the cut!

What makes a good yandere character for you?

This is a very subjective question, but first I'll explain what makes a character yandere.

"Yandere" comes from the Japanese verb 病んでいる which means to be sick. This can refer to any sort of illness, but with yandere characters, it's referring to ailments of the soul so to say. Basically a "yandere" character is anyone who becomes sick with love. Which is really vague, I know - but that's how it is.

A character can kill for love and still not be considered yandere. A different character can respect their target's (the person they are affectionate toward - their "darling") free-will and autonomy and still be considered yandere. It's vague and open to interpretation. What one person considers yandere, another might find them just being possessive.

Just getting a few common misconceptions out of the way first:

-Yandere characters can be abusive to their targets, but just because a character is abusive, that doesn't mean that they're yandere

-A character doesn't have to go around killing people to be considered yandere

Okay, with that out of the way, time to talk about my favorite kinds of yandere characters!

I like characters who are subtly manipulative, the characters that mess with their target's perceptions of reality to mold them into someone who can accept their isolation. I like to describe the buildup as "walking into a spider's web, and only after you think to turn around do you realize that it's too late." These characters can appear to be very doting (溺愛) to their targets and lull them into a false sense of security, and usually only show their true selves to people they see as their love rivals. These characters can also be commonly described as haraguro (腹黒) or scheming.

But I can go for any sort of yandere character! I'm not so good with gore tho so I try to avoid that, but any other type has their own appeals. There was this huge chart about the different types of yandere characters and their "symptoms" I found before, maybe I'll dig it up and explain it in detail in another post eventually. But for now I will move on to the next question!

What are some of your favorite yanderes?

I can explain a bit more about the kind of yandere characters I love by using some of my favs as examples! Please note that I read a lot of shoujo, especially because the yandere trope is gaining some good popularity in that demographic, so these are all male yanderes. Though, I do love me a good female yandere character too!

My absolute favorite yandere character is Haruma from 恋と心臓 (Love and Heart) Seriously, no one does it as well as him. I don't want to spoil anything since it's more fun to experience the craziness yourself and the series is available in English!

But to give a brief summary: Yoh (the main character), having lived a life where she didn't have anyone she could rely on, is incredibly independent. But then her childhood friend (who she doesn't remember), Haruma, moves in with her and suddenly she finds herself in the position of damsel in distress again and again, with Haruma being the only one to save her.

It's a great blend of psychological horror, romcom, and drama with a huge dose of unhealthy relationships and a happy ending! I recommend it to everyone who is comfy with the subject matter.

Kuroyuki from Nightshade deserves special mention for being the reason I started liking yandere characters in the first place.

I never really got the appeal before him, but when I played Nightshade, I liked him from the start. I tend to love comic relief characters (who are secretly quite sad/serious) so he caught my eye right away and then when the cray-cray hit, I was like,

Oh no, that's hot.

And it was over for me after that lol. Yandere love interests in otome games have a reputation for caging, and Kuroyuki has a subtle approach to this. He spins this (not entirely false) tale that everyone is trying to kill Enju (the main character) except for him, and that he's the only one who could protect her. I won't go into his backstory, but an unhealthy amount of delusions feed into his obsession as well.

The game is fun and intense, and I highly recommend it if you would like to cry. Check out my Why you should play Nightshade PowerPoint here:

If you're looking for other good otome games with fun yandere characters, I also recommend: Amnesia: Memories, Taisho x Alice, and Mystic Messenger.

After Kuroyuki, I started reading a lot of Japanese webnovels with yandere characters (I literally have a page in my browser with just the yandere tag on shousetsuka ni narou that I browse thru regularly) I could probably do a whole post just about yandere characters in webnovels, but for a quick recommendation, I suggest checking out Kotoko-sensei's (琴子) works or, for something a bit more bizarre, check out Inaida-sensei's (稲井田そう) works. (I once went thru a phase where I was obsessed with all of Inaida-sensei's works around 2~3 years ago.)

Anyways, on to the final question!

What are some yanderes that you like the least?

Well, I tend to dislike the yandere characters that are not well thought out. It's easy enough to put a knife in a character's hand or make them shove someone in a cage, but it's not interesting unless they have a compelling reason why. What leads them to decide they have no other choice but to kill a rival (or their target) or take away their target's freedom?

This is why I tend to dislike side characters who are yandere (especially in harem series) because they're usually not given a whole lot of depth or character building - like a main character would have.

I think a lot of the appeal from yandere characters comes from their depth, complexity, and how they can be hypocritical by nature. I love them but I hate them because they care about other people. I don't want to scare them but I need to protect them. I don't care if they hate me as long as they stay by my side.

If I were to name a yandere character I dislike, though, I would have to say Yuno Gasai (from Future Diary) who is a rather famous case. I don't think she's a bad character - in fact, she's a really great character and a good example of what happens if obsession is left to fester in a high-stakes, dangerous environment. But her character has been boiled down to crazy anime girl who kills a bunch of people for her crush by the internet, which has completely changed the way many people view the word and perceive the trope of "yandere." I just find it irritating and as the self-proclaimed saleswoman of yandere, it makes my job a lot harder.

Can yandere be considered problematic? Sure, absolutely. But does it have to involve murder, rape, gore, or other triggering content? Absolutely not.

(This goes for this whole post, but please note that I am talking about fictional characters, and this in no way reflects real life people)

All in all, I'm very passionate about yandere characters and yandere content. I just find them so compelling, and especially love exploring relationships involving a yandere character - because it usually involves having to come to some sort of compromise. I could probably rant on and on and on about it but this answer is already so long lol

Thank you so much for the ask again! And anyone can feel free to send asks if they would like me to clarify on any of this! I do love ranting about these sorts of things

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

I... I went through a LOT in therapy today.

Basically, a month before this session, my father sent a cease and desist letter to my therapist via lawyer, and harassed her and her assistant for information he legally could not obtain because I never put him on my release forms, knowing well that he would go to extreme lengths for information I was not comfortable giving him. And he REFUSED to stop until he got that information, even though he literally could not get it in any way, shape, or form. And I didn't want him to have it.

Well. After that month, I went and met with my therapist today finally for a much needed session. And my therapist said exactly this: "I believed you before [about your father], but I think this situation is worse than you've been describing it." She told me, "You hear about patients' lives, but you rarely get to experience them. And I've gotten a glimpse into yours. Your life is hard."

That really struck me. The fact that she confirmed my situation is horrible, and that I possibly am still not confronting the entire situation but rather holding back some because it really is *that bad*... Gods. That was... a huge relief.

In short, she and I concluded my father struggles to keep meaningful relationships. People don't actually like him all that much, if at all, they instead, are held on by a string of fear that he controls, and are constantly walking on eggshells with him, wondering what will set him off next. Nothing will ever satisfy my father. Nothing. At all. Last time I confronted my father, I said exactly, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you." I never said that to my therapist, and she used the exact phrase, as though she knew.

My therapist straight up told me as well, "If you wanted to put [your father] on the release forms, we'd be having a serious discussion. I don't think that's good for you."

Before I even realized I was being controlled by my father's fear, I subconsciously knew I had to take control over myself and my life by excluding him from private matters like therapy.

And as an adult, I am making decisions for myself. To satisfy myself. To keep my well-being in check rather than satisfying my father. I am not giving him any information about my private talks in therapy, and I am going to save up to move away from him and live on my own. I am focusing on what will make me happy, not my father. I've spent my whole life trying to make happy a man who's never once been happy.

But me? It's real easy to make me happy. Give me stuff to create, write, print, whatever. Take me to a concert. A LARPing event. Play a game with me. Give me a small gift. Show me an animal of any kind. Share a snack or drink with me. Be kind to me in the smallest way. Literally anything, big or small, means the world to me and makes me smile to the moon and back. I've been happy so many times, despite the anxiety my father causes me. I've known true happiness in a way he will never know, and has never known. And that's sad. I wish he will find happiness someday. But clearly, I'm not responsible to help him find it. I'm responsible for my own happiness, and that's just about it. I matter. My well-being matters. I don't have to spend a lifetime trying to satisfy someone who is impossible to satisfy. But I can spend a lifetime satisfying myself.

And I will. By moving out someday soon.

[friendofcars]

“what he wanted was to know what he wanted.” for the quote ask thing. such a cool idea!

thank you - it's been so fun answering these!

my guess: incredibly dream thieves era ronan sentiment. i think this is when kavinsky is teaching him to dream and says something like "you have to know what you want" or "you have to go after what you want." not sure which chapter but maybe in the 40s?

the answer: well. this went well for me.

(which is tdt, chapter 41!)

my thoughts: this phrase is the key to ronan's arc in tdt imo (or at least the first part of it. he has to know what he wants but he also has to lean how to obtain/achieve it). "what he wanted" refers, beyond controlling his dreaming, to his repressed feelings for adam/his second secret, the path in life he wants to take, whether he wants to follow the example of kavinsky or gansey, whether he wants to live, and whether he wants to stop hating himself. by the end of the book he makes his choice(s), but it takes time for him to realize that the choice isn't strictly kavinsky or gansey, it's himself/his life (and through his realization of his own self-esteem and self-love, adam. he basically also chooses gansey, but that's a whole other story.). he has to choose himself before the second secret becomes clear. interesting that he also has to choose himself/his human life/humanity in greywaren. i think ronan wanting to know what he wants is not the same as him interpreting all of his intense emotions as (or replacing them with) anger, but there's a common theme of his own thoughts and feelings being inaccessible to him.

this line also contrasts ronan with adam, who has a long list of conscious wants (many of which are basic survival needs). this also makes me think of adam (as all things do) because of ronan and cabeswater's clumsy attempts to communicate with adam (in ronan's dreams and in adam's visions) which i think is in league with ronan's inability to articulate feelings. i'm trying not to write a novel here but this arc leads me to ronan learning to ask and cooperate with cabeswater to pull the replacement camaro out of his dream, as well as his use of the puzzle box at the end of the book to ask cabeswater "please" in dream language, and as we all know, ronan saying "please" in the presence of adam is !!!!!!! there's something in here about kavinsky's strategy of being a thief and taking what he wants (and also the way he treats ronan, kidnaps matthew, etc. it literally just hit me that kavinsky is a dream thief not only because of the way he dreams and carelessly drains cabeswater, but because he kidnaps matthew, who is a dream.) versus ronan's requests to cabeswater to work with and support his dreaming. i'm sure there's something to be said here about art forgery and original work as well as attitudes towards natural resources/the environment and other such things.

and a bit more about kavinsky: kavinsky forges ahead in the conversation without ronan responding. his wide smile = hunger (which is greed, desire, maybe even insatiable loneliness). the mitsubishi is described as voracious earlier in the book. we know that ronan looks for someone to lead him since niall cannot teach him how to dream from the grave, and kavinsky is a compelling option to him for their shared experiences and kavinsky knowing what he wants and how to take it. but as ronan follows kavinsky down the rabbit hole of thieving (doesn't kavinsky erroneously reference a white rabbit in chapter 6 or 7?), he understands how this hurts cabeswater, so he concludes that kavinsky is not the kind of dreamer he wants to be. gansey is the kind of leader he wants to follow and protect. and ronan doesn't know it yet, but gansey = cabeswater anyway. so kavinsky does teach him how to figure out what he wants- but what ronan wants is in opposition to what kavinsky wants: for their relationship or lack thereof, for the ley line (and adam, and noah, and cabeswater, and all that depend on it or are tied to it), for themselves, etc.

[luimnigh]

I identified as a lesbian for a long time (14 - 21 or so) and for a lot of that time I felt really threatened by mspec lesbians. I was super proud of my gold star status and the fact that I had figured out I was a lesbian so young. I'd identified as bi, briefly before I came out as a lesbian, and I didn't have the words "comp het" yet because it was the mid-00's but I basically felt like that's why I thought I was bi for so long.

And I had all these lesbian friends who were like well i've had one boyfriend or one male friend with benefits and it was awesome but I still identify as a lesbian, and actually you should try it sometime, it's very enriching as a lesbian to have one single relationship with a man. and I was like you're crazy, that's disgusting, I'm not endangering my gold star, I'm not attracted to men at all and I don't think I actually ever was, you guys are just buying into comp het and want me to do the same. But that wasn't really true because the whole time I identified as a lesbian I was still attracted to famous men and trans men, so obviously I did like men at least a little bit, at least in certain situations. But I was a gold star lesbian and it was very important that I stay that way!

Eventually I realized I'm actually demisexual and the reason I spent 14 - 21 only attracted to women is that I didn't have any emotional attachments to men strong enough to make me experience attraction to them during that time (unless they were famous, or trans). And now I play fast and loose with labels lol and my gender identity has also changed significantly in that time, but lately I've been drawn to the idea of identifying as a lesbian in addition to other identities. Because lesbian culture is still an important part of me and even now that I fully love and embrace men and having relationships with them, and I also am just... so gay for women wow.

I'm not saying that all lesbians who are against mspec lesbians are themselves mspec lesbians in denial, like I was. BUT my fear of mspec lesbians was totally rooted in my own insecurity and internalized biphobia, and I had to unlearn a lot of things to be comfortable in my own sexuality and to allow other people's sexuality to be fluid and shifting and difficult to put into exact terms. And I get the vibe, especially from that "mourning our identity" ask you got, that people need to be more confident in their own experience. If you think you're a lesbian, you're a lesbian, whatever that means to you. If what other people do is factoring into it at all, then you're thinking about it wrong. Because even a group of gold star, genuinely not attracted to men, definitely cis lesbians are all going to have different opinions on what a lesbian is, what being a lesbian means to them. You can't distill someone's entire lifelong experiences of sexuality into one word or phrase. If using lesbian as an identifier helps someone describe the indescribable, even if they like men, that's only a big deal if you're insecure about your own lesbianism.

.

[bossthebicon]

i've seen love in the air (LITA) and i would like to argue in its favor... i think in 2022 we should all be past demonizing or belittling bl shows which plot focuses mostly on sexual relationships as if they're an unimportant part of lgbt people's lives (this has happened recently with ''only friends'', just after the trailer was released, its own director had to come out and /defend/ himself against what were blatantly puritan and subtly homophobic ''bl fans'' making this same argument). first of all, LITA is a romance bl so of course, the main plot is about the main characters falling in love with all it entails. and they do a excellent, excellent job at portraying 4 very different people in 4 different stages/backgrounds in life with 4 very different life experiences and how they come together and work through all things standing between them. LITA is more than a simple romance bl that says nothing once it's done. it has incredible SA survivor representation with all that it entails (dealing with PTSD, how it affects someone's perception of love and sex, how people help victims, how to slowly heal from it, etc) and it also has a great representation of ''you're more than just someone's boyfriend and being in love is not everything in life'' in the sense of academic success, hard work, determination, etc. yeah the NC scenes are good because the chemistry between the actors is great, but there's literally 5 NC scenes in 13 episodes total and they all make sense in the totality of the TV show.

i understand romance-based bls might not be everyone's cup of tea and people would rather watch things like triage, manner of death, not me or vice versa, which are more about the storyline than the love line, but ruling out LITA just because it's got NC scenes in it is doing a disservice to the effort and talent the actors have in portraying human, real and raw lgbt love experiences.

i hope you can give it a try, especially prapai and sky's story, since it tells a very beautiful tale of care, acceptance, overcoming trauma and building a healthy support system. <3

okay, that's another way to see it. the way you describe this series makes it sound way better than the basic university bl it seemed to be, which makes it seem actually interesting. I still probably won’t watch it bc I have many other shows in store & also sa survivor storylines that are too graphic bother me. (also mame’s OBSESSION with having sa survivors in every single on of her stories is weird, I’m sorry 💀 especially considering she’s romanticized sa multiple times as well 💀) that being said, I wanna make something clear (which I thought was clear if you scrolled to my blog but anyways): I am not against sex scenes. only friends is one of the 2023 shows I'm the most excited for, and I've praised p'jojo's (the same director) works featuring sex as an important part of life like the warp effect before. my issue with sex scenes in bl comes with bl not being a genre for lgbtq+ people to start with. it suffices to look at the original novels that inspire 99% of thai bl shows: they almost all feature & excuse sa in some form, and rely heavily on stereotypes of the small feminine main character with his pushy masculine love interest to only present ONE type of relationship, when lgbtq+ people are all unique & different. sure, bl has now a huge lgbtq+ following & many of the people creating bl shows are now lgbtq+ themselves, but that doesn't mean that most bl shows aren't still mostly meant for straight women. and if anyone opens their eyes for five seconds, they will realize that there is a reason why bl shows are a thousand times more sexual than straight thai dramas: bc most of those scenes are for fanservice rather than in service of the plot. and fyi I LOVE romances. it's the reason I love thai dramas so much, bc pretty much all of them are romances in some way. and I LOVE well done sex scenes like seanwhite's first time. so to pretend I'm demonizing all bl sex scenes instead of acknowledging the truth that most bl sex scenes are unnecessary & only there to arouse its audience is misplaced. if non bl thai dramas were as sexual as american shows for example, I wouldn't say a thing bc this oversexualization would be generalized (still not sure it would be okay though.) but here it's present ONLY in bl, which tells me everything there is to know.

xxx

[medicinemane]

From my own experience trying to be supportive of someone in a situation like that, one of the best things to do is basically the opposite of gaslighting. Tell them you trust them, that you think they're making a lot of sense, reinforce that you actually do think they know what they're doing and that they deserve respect

Don't directly complain about the abuser other than phrasing it along the lines of "I don't know... I just don't think that behavior you're describing is exactly ok, that's not how I'd want to treat people", but keep it very loose

When they brought up feelings like being gaslit I didn't say, "yeah, you 100% are", I said "why don't we look into it together?" and then found them information on things like DARVO phrasing it more like "huh, this seems like it's kind of interesting" and not "this is exactly how that scumbag treats you"

I was also lucky enough to be able to connect them to someone I know on here that has a good relationship kinda phrasing it like "this person's married and seems to know stuff about relationships, why don't you talk to them about some of the stuff you're feeling?", and then that person was kind enough to have their friend group take in the person I was trying to help

In a lot of ways I think that was one of the most important things was getting them into a supportive group of people, not letting them be isolated like their abuser wanted so they had a lot of people gently pushing back against what was happening

I'm very glad to say they got away from that person, they're a lot happier now and seem in a lot healthier company. So I have some experience with this which more or less agrees with everything above

Don't push, don't tell them what's going on, ask leading questions that will let them say what's happening (very very causally, again like saying "why don't we look up gaslighting together?"). Try to get them connected to anything that will make them less isolated

Most of all though just make it clear that actually you think they make a lot of sense. Someone's trying to tear them down, you need to be working just as hard to build them up

Validate feelings, tell them how you see why they're upset, things like that

Finally... much as you just want to solve it, this isn't instant. It took months, maybe even close to a year after they first said stuff that made me realize how bad it was and since I started trying to get them out of that before they finally ended it

At no point did I say "I think you should break up", at no point did I try and put any timelimit or things or rush stuff. I was just in their corner for as long as it took

In the end, that's all you can really do. Be in their corner, make sure they know you're being them 100%

It sucks, but everything else has to be on their time

Aro culture is seeing the signs that your friend is in a toxic relationship but they refuse to acknowledge it when you tell them and say "we're in love, you wouldn't get it"

hey, something I've noticed is that people... don't know how to bring up signs of toxicity. and the thing is, the major "do not" is to directly call the relationship abusive/toxic, or the other(s) in it such, which is also the thing almost everyone I talk to says they did in your position.

quoting from a New York state gov site about domestic violence:

Here are some examples of how you can Start the Conversation: - “I noticed that sometimes [insert partner’s name] does this [insert concerning tactic that you’ve seen]. Does that happen a lot? How does that make you feel?” - “I’m concerned about your safety. Is it okay if we talk about it?” - “I’m so glad you told me about [insert disclosure of abuse]. How can I help or support you? What do you need?” - “I noticed lately that you’ve been [insert survivor’s behavior like “getting hurt a lot lately” or “not going out as much”]. Is everything okay? If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you.” - “I know this can be really hard to talk about. I promise I believe you and won’t judge any of your choices or experiences. I care about you and just want you to be safe.” - “I recently read/watched/heard [insert book, article, movie, podcast about domestic violence]. Have you read/seen/heard it? What do you think?”

These are all adaptable to toxic relationships, high control groups like cults, and generally, someone experiencing distress. For example,

"I've noticed that sometimes [person/group/work] does [concerning tactic, addressed as factually as possible. ie, talking over you, making jokes you don't seem to enjoy, grabbing you, etc, NOT 'being a bitch']. Does that happen a lot? How do you feel about it?

Then, DO NOT say how you feel about it without letting them speak! Don't launch into "I saw them do it 8 times today, and I think you're ignoring it because you think you love them, and that's bad!" Let them tell you what they notice, do not blame them for staying, and do not call the situation bad until they do!

If they say, "oh, I don't think it's that bad/that frequent.", you don't have to agree, but you could say, "I thought it happened a few times today, but if you aren't worried, I'll try not to push. Just know you can always talk to me if it does change."

If you DO push too far, and that happens, be careful. The main problems from that are 1) they feel like you're judging them, so they stop engaging with you. 2) they tell the abusive group, who WILL try to stop them from contact with you, 3) this actually pushes them FURTHER into the toxic situation, because now someone who cares is inaccessible. Dial it back.

"I'm sorry I came across so strong. I shouldn't have been so accusatory, I was worried and got carried away. You can always talk to me if things change, but I shouldn't have gone about it like that even if it were that bad."

Good luck.

[hallow-witxh]

Any good books on astrology for a baby witch? I love your blog ! <3

Y'all keep asking such great questions that I just keep using them as posts for my blog! That being said: if any of y'all sent an anon asking questions and you don't see a reply really fast, it's because I'm doing just that: building a formal post around it and adding it to my queue so it adds to my once-a-day schedule.

Astrology books for beginners!

Yes yes yes, I do have four particular books that I very much enjoyed! However, let's all keep in mind that while books may be good to reach and excellent beginning steps, always cross-reference each fact between 4-5 sources before deciding it's solid!

Let's get into it!

The Complete Book of Astrology: Your personal guide to learning understanding and using Astrology (Caitlin Johnstone)

"Whether you’re a charming Libran, a practical Taurean or a larger-than-life Leo, insights into your life, love, career and more will be revealed. Travel on a journey through the zodiac – from Aries to Pisces – exploring all twelve signs in detail."

Astrology 101: From Sun Signs to Moon Signs, Your Guide to Astrology (Jenni Kosarin)

"Explore the mysteries of the cosmos Too often, astrology guides obscure the mystical wonder of the zodiac with overly tedious details about nodes, houses, angles, and aspects that even Ptolemy would reject. Astrology 101 cuts out the boring details and lengthy explanations and instead gives you a hands-on lesson that keeps you engaged as you learn how the movements of the stars and planets affect human behavior. From the four elements and twelve houses to astrological personality types and sign compatibility, this compact primer is packed with hundreds of fascinating star sign facts, informative charts and illustrations, and stories of famous astrologers and their predictions for the future. So whether you're looking to find how a Mercury retrograde affects you, or just want to learn more about a specific sun sign, Astrology 101 has all the answers--even the ones you didn't know you were looking for."

Llewellyn's Complete Book of Astrology: The Easy Way to Learn Astrology (Kris Brandt Riske)

"The easiest way to learn astrology is to start with yourself. Your astrological birth chart is a powerful tool for gaining a deeper understanding of your unique gifts, talents, challenges, and life's purpose. As you begin to decipher the wealth of information in your own birth chart, you'll experience astrology in a personally meaningful way--which makes it easier to understand and remember. Once you learn the basics of astrology, you'll be able to read the birth charts of yourself and others. This friendly guidebook is the most complete introduction to astrology available. Popular astrologer Kris Brandt Riske presents the essentials of astrology in a clear, step-by-step way, paying special attention to three areas of popular interest: relationships, career, and money. She explains the meaning of the planets, zodiac signs, houses, and aspects, and how to interpret their significance in your chart. Over 30 illustrations, including the birth charts of several famous people--Al Gore, Oprah Winfrey, Brad Pitt, and Tiger Woods, to name just a few--add a helpful visual dimension to your learning experience. Practical and positive, Llewellyn's Complete Book of Astrology offers techniques for using astrology to identify the qualities you seek in an ideal mate, realize your career and financial potential, calculate your luck, and discover your inner strength"

Astrology for Beginners: A Simple Way to Read Your Chart (Joann Hampar)

"Learn to interpret a language of symbols that describes your life's fullest potential. Have you ever wanted to learn how to read your astrological chart but thought it was too complex? Now Astrology for Beginners breaks down the language of the stars, making chart reading simple, informative, and fun. From angles and aspects to Sun signs and chart patterns, professional astrologer and popular author Joann Hampar explains every major facet of your astrological chart. Chart patterns of Leonard di Caprio, Donald Trump, and others will help you better understand your own star-charted life path. Straightforward and practical, this astrology book teaches you the basics of chart interpretation in just six chapters.You will gain invaluable insight into your own astrology and that of your loved ones as astrology's unique language of symbols is revealed"

Keep in mind that a lot of books aren't going to be 100% accurate! You'll want to cross-reference, triple-check each reference, and also do personal research on anything you want to add to your practices. Knowledge is power, so make sure you get as much as you can.

Also, in case y'all couldn't tell: I have a very strong love-hate relationship with Thriftbooks.com because I always end up with 50 books in my cart. If you find a book you like, make sure to look at Thriftbooks.com to see if you're able to get a copy for much less :) It's great for textbooks too! I got three for $50 a few years ago.

Always always, blessed be, and ya'll be careful out there <3

Tips and Commissions: Ko-Fi

[scandalsavagefanfic]

Hello! I am a huge fan of ur writing. I've loved everything I've read of yours. I've read alot of what you've posted, except for a couple of the tags that are squicky for me (so I'm very thankful you tag very thoroughly). No judgement for the squick, it's just not for me. & when I'm having a bad day, I usually just go thru ur ao3 and find something to reread. I think about Therapy's Bruce & Jason every damn day. While I obvs appreciate ur darker more "problematic" content (I really vibe with some of the themes you write about bc of my own trauma, & so it's very cathartic to read about in a fictional setting), I am truly a sucker for ur more happy content. The Happily Ever After verse also lives in my head rent free. Idk more wholesome stuff just seems more special when you write it. Anyways. I would die for you. But the point of this ask is cause I'm curious as to why you don't like Urban Legends? I'm sorry if you already talked about it here or on twitter and I missed it. I was just wondering because I really enjoy your take on things and would love to hear why you dislike it. I've been enjoying it so far personally, but I am always open to DC comics criticism.

Aw thank you so much! I'm so flattered by everything you just said. You're so sweet ❤❤❤❤❤

I haven't talked about Urban Legends here or twitter (I haven't been very active in either place lately. Just a lot going on and no energy 😔) but I'm happy to do it here.

Before I start though, I just want to add a standard disclaimer and make it clear that if you like it, there's nothing wrong with that and you don't have to let me ruin it for you lol. Like what you like.

That said, since you asked...

I said this when I was talking about it on discord, that there is a difference between hope and expectation. I always hope that a new story centered on Jason (or anyone really, but things have been especially egregious for Jay for 15 years) will be good or at least treat the character with a minimal level of respect (to be honest, the bar is super fucking low). But my expectations always temper my hope, to keep it from getting unrealistic. Because my expectations are based on experience.

The long history of Jason Todd, since even before his resurrection, has been one of retroactively trying to make him "a bad seed" in order to absolve Bruce of any responsibility in his death.

I don't even expect DC or their writers to start honoring the fact that Jason was not an angry, reckless Robin (and less of the later than Dick or Tim and definitely Damian). There plenty of ways that retcon can be folded into his history and be compelling and sympathetic. And if they're going to stick with that retcon, I'm only asking that they do it in one of those compelling and sympathetic ways because Jason was 15 when he died, heroically, in one of the most selfless acts in comics, to save a woman who literally handed him over to be brutally murdered. He was 12 when Bruce plucked him off the streets, he'd been homeless and fending for himself for at least two years. I personally think that Jason's story hits harder for him and Bruce if their original, canon relationship, of Jason as starry-eyed and eager to learn and absolutely devoted to Bruce and Bruce to Jason, is preserved. But Jason's origins does leave room for a meaningful interpretation of him as angry and frustrated at the lack of meaningful results of Bruce's methods.

And that's really where my irritation at stories like Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer and Batman The Adventure Continues has it's roots.

Every time one of these stories comes out, I think (or hope, rather) that this will be the one that remembers and respects the origins of the Jason and the Red Hood, that takes into account the changed sensibilities of comics readers in the 30 years since Jason's death and the subtle, 20 year, retroactive campaign to make him the "bad Robin". The "born bad" trope is played out and literally no one likes the message it implies. That some kids are just bad eggs and there's nothing parents or the adults around them can do. Especially when it's played as the kid's fault. If Jason's time as Robin is going to be characterized by anger, then it should be rooted in anger at the social injustices he witnessed as he grew up in an impoverished, crime-ridden, area and the horrors he faced raising himself when every day was a battle for survival. There are topical, meaningful, stories to tell with that backdrop.

But those are never the stories we get.

⚠⚠ Spoilers for Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer ⚠⚠

I'm particularly disappointed in Urban Legends because for the first issue, it looked like that was the kind of story we were going to get. I was put off by the first flashback of Jason being mesmerized by Bruce's guns, and I got that feeling in my gut that it was a bad sign. Jason depicted as impatient and overconfident and the scene with the guns is heavy-handed foreshadowing that got my spidey-sense tingling. I had a inkling then (in the first three pages) of how this story was going to play out, but it was early and I could still see many narrative paths that could lead to a satisfying story. My concerns were soothed somewhat and the little flame of my hope fanned, with the flashback of Alfred scolding Bruce, with Barbara's concern for Jason. A bit of worry returned with the way Jason ruthlessly pursued an addict who didn't appear to be a dealer and with the ending of the issue. The stuff with the addict sat wrong with me but the ending was tempered some by how despicable Tyler's dad was written. The scene was clearly set so that the reader could sympathize with Jason's decision and the scene with the addict could be brushed aside as a side-effect of comics over-the-top need for constant action, so I still held hope.

Issue 2 made me uncomfortable and it's where my hope starts to take a backseat to my expectations. I can dismiss Jason's self-deprecating internal monologue as unreliable narration, except that the flashback reinforces his thought process to explicitly show that it's not unreliable narration, and should be taken at face value. Jason faces physical abuse at the hands of his mother's drug dealer and when the flashback continues later, Jason kills the drug dealer. To be clear, this is a pre-Bruce Jason. His mom is still alive. He's like... 10. He kills this guy for shoving his head into a wall and implying Jason's mother paid for her drugs with sex. This is a scene that serves a single purpose. To show that Jason has always been prone to violence.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there is the small chance the drug dealer might not be dead. But the story obviously wants the reader to think he is, and it hasn't done anything to change that yet.

Starlin already did this story with The Diplomat’s Son in 1988 and he did it infinitely better. AND that’s still technically canon. So now I’m supposed to believe that Jason lost his cool bad enough to kill two douche bags before his sweet 16? Like it’s totally normal for abused kids raised in poverty, who’ve led hard and heartbreaking lives to just... haul off and kill people? That’s bullshit, and when taken with the Jason in the third issue, who is little more than an idiot thug, this story is really doubling down on some fucked up stereotypes.

Which brings us to the most recent issue. I went into this installment with very low expectations. I thought this story was going to be about Jason, through this experience with Tyler, a young boy with a similar background to Jason's, coming to the realization that Bruce's way is the best way and that Bruce did his best by Jason.

That would be annoying (in no small part because it takes increasingly absurd levels of plot armor to keep Bruce's no kill rule relevant, let alone irrefutably right). But I can probably live with that, if only because maybe if Jason officially falls back into line with the Bats crusade, maybe I'll get stories that treat him with respect, stories that don't relegate him to comic relief, dumb brute, or a background body with no lines in a story about the Joker burning Gotham (like Jason would just fucking stand there quietly for that).

And that may still be where the story is going, Jason realizing Bruce is right.

But holy shit do I not have the right words to describe how fucking insulting and gross issue three is.

From start to finish--including the flashback--Jason is written as cruel and fucking stupid. Like straight up dumb.

The entire issue is Bruce explaining the fucking basics to Jason like it's his first day. And Jason flies off the fucking handle and terrorizes a doctor he knows isn't a part of making the Cheerdrops, beats the shit out of some random addicts, and finally, when he can't accomplish anything on his own because he's a dumb brute he calls Barbara for help and rushes in with no information where he's promptly incapacitated and must now wait to be rescued by Batman.

This panel is the least of the issues sins but I can’t screenshot the entire story but it’s representative of the tone for the whole issue (and retroactively tainted the prior two issues).

This is beyond insulting. The only conclusions Jason comes to in this issue are the ones Bruce leads him to by talking to him like he can’t make the simplest connections. And like... in this story Jason can’t make the simplest connections.

This (and the Jason throughout the entirety of this issue) is a far cry from the Jason we fell in love with in Under the Red Hood, who was competent and strategic and intelligent enough to seize control of Gotham’s underworld from Black Mask (who’s no fucking slouch, he’s the first and only person to unify organized crime in Gotham) AND elude and manipulate Bruce until the time and place of his choosing.

This is a far cry from even the Red Hood and the Outlaws Jason who is competent enough to fight the League of Shadows and Ra’s al Ghul (among very dangerous and skilled others) and smart enough to create antidotes for mind control nanotech viruses.

As he should be, by the way. Jason Todd is one of the best, most comprehensively trained fighters in DC’s stable of non powered vigilantes. He’s not irrational or hot headed. He’s pragmatic, tactically minded, and patient. He’s a detective. Right now. Has been since he was 12. Bruce doesn’t have to make him one because he already is. 

Jason is not a stupid thug who uses his fists because his brain doesn’t work. And I can’t tell you how so very exhausted I am by this narrative. 

This is actually the most egregious example of Jason’s skills and intelligence being not just undermined but dismissed entirely. Even Morrison’s Jason had some degree of competency. 

The one, single redeeming factor of this story is the art. It’s beautiful. And Marcus To is a godsend he seems to be one of only a couple of artists who remember that Jason was a child when he was Robin and I’m literally only buying this book because of him. 

Anyway, I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so... um... passionately lol. I’m just very very tired. My intention with this isn’t to ruin it for you, if you like it, that’s fine. 

But this issue shot this story to the top of my "Vehemently Despise” list. 1) Batman: Urban Legends (Cheer), 2) Battle for the Cowl/Morrison’s Batman and Robin, 3) Batman The Adventure Continues.

I hope the next issues somehow salvage this dumpster fire. But I’m not expecting it.

(Damnit. That sounded harsh again. To reiterate, I’m not trying to judge anyone who enjoys it, I just personally hate it and you asked me why lol 😅)

[omegas-spaghettios]

In Defense of Hunter, Wrecker, Tech, and Echo

I want to clarify that I like Crosshair. I used to love him and I just kinda like him now, but he's a great character. I hold nothing against his fans. I just want to talk about how people are slandering these 4 like they did everything wrong when everything they did was pretty justified.

I need to talk about Crosshair's chip, because that affects how we all view these final episodes. While I agree things don't add up completely, Cross has no scar, nursing a headache, etc., his behavior DOES indicate he is telling the truth.

Chipped clones have been shown to show loyalty to the Empire above all else. They killed the jedi, they'll kill innocents, they forget all sentimentality, and we see with Jesse that they will more than happily die to accomplish the chip's commands. The Batch has experience with this with Captain Grey in the premiere and later Wrecker. Chipped clones are basically battle droids.

Crosshair does not act like that at all. He shows sentiment and loyalty to personal history, he defies orders to even kill his fellow imperials, and he puts aside his anger in order to escape Kamino. NONE of those things are congruent with him having a chip in at all. So while it doesn't add up completely either way, the evidence honestly seems to favor that he's telling the truth as his behavior is a huge tell that has not been shown to be able to be countered for more than a few seconds (love you Rex) while an absence of a scar could indicate a variety of things and the headache can honestly just be chronic pain from his insane head injury in Episode 8. I'm not saying that is the truth, but what I am saying is the evidence provided can easily line up to more than make it believable that Wrecker, Echo, and Tech believe he has it out.

Wrecker does know what a chip feels like, so we all expected more empathy from him, but Crosshair is not acting the way did Wrecker did AT ALL. Wrecker lost all control and immediately tried to kill the people he loves most, while as stated Crosshair is exhibiting almost opposite behavior. Wrecker knows what a chip does to you and Crosshair is definetly not showing that, so why would Wrecker show empathy for it? Wrecker knows first hand that is not what the chip does to you so it more than makes sense that he sees Crosshair's behavior and story and believes it.

Crosshair's intense feelings of Supremacy and loyalty to the Empire are not out of no where. We see in TCW that he is incredibly cruel about regs, he has always hated them. So considering the journey he went on this season it does feel like a realistic progression of belief.

Crosshair also is hurting his own cause here. Now we as the audience know for sure he had it in for Episode 1, we are shown explicit evidence. We have no idea when he got it out though due to the lack of a scar, and his refusal to specify hurts him here because what he actually did as himself vs. chipped is VERY important. I also want to say that while the audience knows Crosshair has the chip in in Episode 1, no evidence is provided to the Batch to know that, so Crosshair saying he had it out "a long time ago" means it is reasonable that the Batch could even suspect everything he did since Episode 1 was him. And here's a quick rundown of some things he did this season that the Batch would know about:

Obeyed Order 66 and shot at a child jedi even when ordered to stand down

Advocated to kill civilians to the others

Shot Wrecker and used him as bait to lure the others out

Lead dozens of Troopers to Bracca to kill them

Went out of his way to order his troops to kill Omega during that confrontation within earshot of Hunter

Tried to burn them all alive with an Ion Engine

Contributed to the oppression of Ryloth

Arrested Howzer, a clone who was trying to do the right thing

Spouted supremacist jargon about how they are superior to regs (something Hunter, Tech, and Wrecker have been shown to be softening up on)

Said the might of the Empire was the only way and basically gave them all the choice to join or die.

And remember, our heroes just got the revelation that potentially all of those actions were taken of Crosshair's own free will. They have every right to be harsh or unwelcoming after that. Sure they didn't try to rescue him but he also tried to put multiple blaster bolts through their heads, no one is innocent.

So the general coldness and harshness is more than understandable considering that Crosshair just admitted to trying to get them all killed on multiple occasions on his own free will, that would sour your relationship with anyone I reckon, so why are they expected to be okay with Crosshair doing all of that?

Anyway, to specifics. When Wrecker says Crosshair never even tried to come back and that they would have taken him, there is truth to that. During both Bracca and Ryloth, Crosshair was right there and had opportunities to turn heel and help them all escape, but he never did. I've seen this described as victim-blaming but you guys need to realize that Crosshair has potentially done ALL of this of his own free will and is actively trying to pull the others to the Empire. Wrecker is right, Crosshair put more effort into killing or converting them than he ever did in returning. It's harsh but it's true.

And Tech saying it's in his nature is like, classic Tech. I don't necessarily agree that they all have set paths due to their biology like Tech does, but Tech began this season rattling off about how Wrecker was made to be the way he was, this is just how Tech rolls.

The one I see a lot is after Crosshair rescues Omega and they still have the guns up and then never thank him. First of all, Crosshair never thanked them either for saving his life so let's not go around expecting any shows of gratitude from everyone. But more importantly, how were they supposed to know that Crosshair was saving Omega? As a viewer I legit thought he was aiming for Hunter there, it makes more than enough sense that they pulled their weapons on him. And considering their recent history, it makes sense that all three of them keep their weapons up longer than needed, both Hunter and Omega are potentially at risk. We all saw how quickly all of them drew their weapons in Episode 13 at even the slightest hint of danger to Omega. Considering everything before, it makes sense they kept them up until he disarmed himself, that's just good self defense honestly.

And my final point:

CROSSHAIR WAS NOT ABANDONED AT THE END OF THE SEASON

He was given multiple invitations and opportunities to join. Sure, he was not made to feel all that welcome, but even after all of the season and the finale, Wrecker stops to ask if he is coming and Hunter gives him one last chance. He was given many opportunities to go with them. He said he made his choice, that isn't abandonment, that's stepping away.

In Conclusion

Honestly all 6 of the main characters really dropped the ball on this season's conflict and no one is blameless or unjustified.

I'm not mad about it because it makes for compelling character drama, but everyone involved kinda didn't do their best, so maybe let's not slander one side over the other?

(Small lists of commenters who showed interest is seeing this: @violettavie @shilsvampsinger @rain-over-kamino )

[thatpyroblogs]

I'm honestly not sure there is a way to figure it out. I say this as someone who identifies as Aroace and has several decades of life under their belt. To me sex and romance have always been foreign concepts. It is like I am blind and everyone else is describing the color blue to me. I understand it is a color and what things are blue, but I have never seen blue and thus I know I am lacking vital information that others have. At best I am merely able to parrot back people's definition of blue instead of being able to define it as something I have seen and know intimately. So, yes, I understand the basics of why some people pursue and enjoy such things, but at the same time I've never felt the drive that others claim to feel.

Now I do have a mild sex drive, but I find it comparable to having an itchy nose. It's more of an annoyance that randomly pops up than something I'm excited to experience. That said scratching the itch is generally enjoyable and it's a faster way to get rid of it than simply ignoring it. In all honesty my lack of interest in sex lead me to not even realize it was an itch that could be scratched until my late 20s and even then it took several more years to figure out how to scratch it.

I spent the majority of my teenage years just assuming that sexuality was something that only adults experienced and that once I was an adult I would magically understand that drive for sex and romance that movies and stories talked about. I was under the impression that all my peers were simply faking their relationships in the same way children pretend to be doctors, fireman, or any other adult profession. That it was all just practicing for a day when they'd really experience sexuality. And that wanting to be in a relationship was similar to wanting to drink alcohol before one is 21 years of age. In other words, something a child does simply for the thrill of doing something that is adult and "forbidden". Imagine my shock in my first year of college when I listened to a group of girls discussing their high school sex lives! How could they have possibly truly desired sex, romance, and relationships as children and not simply been doing it for the thrill of it being an adult thing to do? Even in that first year of college I was still under the impression that I must be a child because if I wasn't a child then where was my sexuality and drive for romance?

At this point in my life my decision to identify as Aroace boils down to the fact that I've never felt the urge to be with someone else in any kind of way. And I've witnessed enough friends fall in and out of love to realize that others are experiencing a kind of urge I just do not possess. Why else would people willingly get into relationships where there is no benefit besides being with another person romantically and/or sexually? Clearly there must be something there that I am unable to understand. I won't deny that there is still a part of me that occasionally wonders if I am not still a child in an adult sized body. A weird little caterpillar with glued on wings who has yet to undergo metamorphosis and is merely masquerading as a butterfly. Still with each year that passes I do feel more grounded in my identity. I have also found it helps to talk with others about their sexualities. Listening to how others came to be sure (or even the ways they are unsure) of their own sexualities helps reinforce the certainty I have in my own.

Short Question: How Are You Sure Wheter or Not You Are Asexual?

I'm that type of person who questions things a LOT before coming to a certain conclusion, and even then isn't 100% sure.

Since a very young age I didn't like watching p0rn and considered sex scenes in movies and TV Series to be weird and uncomfortable. I tried to masturbate myself a lot since the age of 13, but I never felt anything and the more I continued the more it felt painful and self-violating. I never felt myself sexually attracted towards anyone during my entire life, only emotionally at the very least.

I'm writing in my free time, which made me more comfortable with the idea of sex as long as I'm imagining my characters doing that, not me. I had a phase in which I watched a few PH videos in order to come up with better descriptive passages for the *ahem* scenes, and I observed that I was just incredibly disgusted by 99% of the videos and those which I found to be helpful were only those who were aesthetically/visually pleasing instead of vulgar, and where the emotional/healthy aspects of sex were visible as well.

Now, I know about the whole "Aesthetical-Sensual-Sexual" concept, yet at the same time I'm aware of the fact that I might have just a very low sex drive, and the fact that I haven't started my sexual life yet nor I do intend to do that in the future makes me question my sexual orientation even more.

Even worse, asexuality is that one sexual orientation which is the hardest to describe and label, because it can manifest diferrently to any person, especially when you take into account their romantic attraction as well.

So how can I figure that out?

[lvnatiq]

Random Relationship Headcanons | Felix Escellun x gn!reader

a/n: Hey ! On todays menu I am serving you modern au relationship headcanons. I know for a fact that I can’t write headcanons AT ALL yet here we are, out of spite I will keep trying until I can manage to write good shit. I’m going through a chaotic time in my life so please be patient with me 😭

I’m currently working on tattoo artist! reader x Felix headcanons and college!enemies to lovers one-shot. Knowing that Felix’s fav trope is enemies to lovers, I will post it hopefully before his new chapter drops. I used most of the hcs that were sent to me but if you couldn’t see yours, then it will probably be used on the other works.

No beta we die like men.

warnings: curse words, nsfw under the cut, random sage moments, felix being a ‘the neighborhood’ song basically.

You persuade him to start an Instagram account, and because of his family's popularity, he quickly gains followers. His account is practically empty because he would rather spend his time stalking your account on Instagram. You noticed the emptiness and wanted to take him out and take some photos for his account, which turned out amazingly. He is a little camera shy, so be patient with him.

You like to watch him apply his eyeliner but he finds it so stressing to do under your gaze.  He used to be able to do it easily, but it has now become one of his most difficult tasks. You wanted to ask for his assistance in applying eyeliner to you in the hopes of making it simpler for him; he agreed but quickly regretted it when he realized how near your faces would be. You with your eyes closed, waiting for him to drag the line as he was only thinking about how bad he wanted to kiss you. 

Felix has a Polaroid of you and stella in his wallet I said what I said.

When it comes to himself, he can be a pessimist, but when it comes to you, he is the most loving and positive boyfriend you could ever ask for. You have a dream ? He is ready to help you achieve it. Do you want to change in your life ? Go for it, He’s more excited than you are.

He can be quite insecure at times when it comes to your relationship because he feels like you deserve the world but the world is too big for his tiny hands. Will his cuddles be enough ? God he hopes so.

He almost cried when you told him you loved him for the first time. He's also baffled as to how you might feel the same way about him.

Drunk Felix is really clingy and honest. Whatever he can’t say sober drunk felix can and definitely will.

“May the stars let my death be between your glorious thighs amen-“ “Felix-”

Felix is weird but it add to his charm. It’s not unusual for you to wake up in the middle of the night and find the pillow besides yours empty. In the dead of night, you will find Felix munching on some weird ass food combinations.

He also has a habit of doing things that are extremely adorable without even noticing it. Like walking around the house in his oversized shirts, his hand clutching at the cuffs whilst the other one sheepishly rubs his eye.

“Can I lay on your lap ? I promise I won’t fall asleep. I just need to rest for a little.” His voice is so soft and hushed. “Of course, come here.” He throws himself onto you as he comes hopping on his tip toes.

He falls asleep on his desk too often, so you have to carry him back to his room, where he snuggles against you while you lead him there. Once he's in his room, he insists that you stay with him, so you wait until he falls asleep as you play with his hair, and he wakes up thinking it was all a dream.

I firmly believe that Felix’s love language is acts of service. Like making you coffee and bringing you random snacks as you work or wrapping you up in fluffy blankets whenever he catches you slacking on the couch.

He's been romanticizing anything and everything since he met you. When he sees beautiful flowers, he wants to bring them to you, but he also believes that their beauty stems from the fact that they are alive, so he argues and stresses a lot when deciding what to do in simple situations like these.

His edginess belongs to his impulsiveness and his style only at any other situation he's a complete softboy.

And I'm certain he knows a variety of card tricks. He enjoys showing off, and he enjoys it even more when you become fascinated and beg him to share the trick.

If you're a morning person, you'll probably spend your mornings alone in solitude, finishing work before the day begins, but if you're a night owl, you and Felix will go out for night walks and Felix would go out for night walks, sharing headphones to play some music, enjoy each others presence and develop a habit of watching the sunrise together.

Felix makes you playlists at the most random times and with the most random names. Until one day he sent you a playlist at around 4 a.m called “you”, filled with his favorite music. He usually sees music as a safe space for himself and now that you are his safe place too it’s only appropriate for him to do so. This only further proves how he spends his time thinking about you.

I feel like Felix would have what most would call "attachment issues" but it’s mainly because of his protective tendencies. This is not to say that he’s this "overly jealous toxic" character; rather, he has never had anyone to truly call his own in his entire life so he would do anything to protect it.

Felix is also big on astrology, so if you want the perfect birth chart, he'll give it to you. Also he owns a lovely deck of tarot cards, and if you ask him for a love reading, he can't manage to keep his words and feelings to himself so he modifies your reading according to him and his desires. Let the boy abuse his powers for the sake of love.

His style could be described as dark academia, his wardrobe mainly consists of dark colors, lots and lots of blazers and a lot of oversized shirts. He also loves jewelry so he owns a lot of rings and chains. Just so you know, if you're wearing any of his rings, his heart is doing cartwheels.

Is it obvious that he loves it when you place your hand in his and play with his rings with your fingertips.

Spoil him. Buy him that baby blue hoodie with cat ears.

“Ah, you look adorable.” “Isn’t it a bit too b-big ?” “You could say that. Do you mind ?” “No, I like it that way.” “I would know.” You smirk followed by felix’s gasp. “If you so desperately wanted a cat boy you know you have me right ?” Nudging your shoulder, Sage leapt into the conversation. “What is he talking about ?”  Felix grumbled, only to notice two fuzzy triangular fabrics on top of his head as he brushed his fingertips over it.

He’s obsessed with your hands, kissing your knuckles, drawing circles in your palm. At a certain point it became an involuntary gesture he does it quite often without realizing.

He’s also canonically extremely blushy but he would never admit it. You’re convinced he uses some sort of make up because it is not possible for the pink dusting his cheeks to look this good.

He insists that you’re cold even in the warmest weathers because he wants to see you in his coat.

Sage forces Felix to take his thirst trap Tiktoks.

He really appreciates it when you add to his herbal tea collection without him noticing and he considers it a sign of affection because he takes his tea very seriously.

He loses it when you call him baby he gets flustered and frustrated but it’s all because it rolls off of your tongue so nicely that he can’t get enough of it.

Felix owns a broad collection of scented lip balms some of them are tinted. You didn’t hear this from me.

He never once took anything the Sage says seriously until he saw how well you two got along. He never thought that he would be standing there taking relationship and flirting advice from the frat boy.

Felix is a complete asshole when he wants to. He’s very verbal about it too. Consistent sarcastic remarks and eye rolls. I mean it runs in his blood, look at Escell.

You love it when he suddenly whips out the confident Felix, it’s not a daily occurrence you know.

When Felix is concentrated, he’s lost and there’s almost no way you or anything else can distract him. So it’s time to grab some colorful hair clips and ties to fuck around with his hair.

Felix is not the best at verbally expressing his gratitude towards you. He doesn’t know what he would do if you weren’t there for him at the lowest points of his life where normally he would close himself and bare the weight of his family problems and personal life issues that he can’t seem to get out of. Now he has you, someone who’s willing to listen to him and offer him a warm embrace when he needs the most���. 

While you to play games together, when he wins he wears that iconic shit eating grin of his with pride looking at you through the corner of his eye. “Shit, what do you want me to say to that felix ? Perhaps I should call you master now that you won ‘one’ fucking round.” He is praying that the screen light is covering the fact that he is a blushy mess after hearing you say that.

NSFW

I cannot stress this enough but he is extremely vocal in bed. Whining, trying to restrict himself from making too much noise but failing miserably.

Muffled pants, choked sobs and lots of pleasure infused tears.

He loves getting praised during sex but what he loves more is to get praised after it’s all over. Like you telling him how great he was, how well he behaved, how good he made you feel. He experiences sub drops a lot so please assure him that he did well :(

He’s into power-play but not in a submissive or dominant kind of relationship, it’s more of a psychological thing where the fact that he can see how good he makes you feel gives him a rush of confidence and adrenaline.

I believe that this motherfucker is a masochist, pain makes him more excited than getting an update on his favorite author who went on a year long hiatus and that is saying a lot.

Bite him. Scratch him. It is so stimulating for him he can reach his high just from those actions.

Fuck do anything to his ears bite, lick, pull, blow on it. He is extremely sensitive so anything you do will basically drive him out of his mind. It will most definitely lead to him trembling beneath your fingertips.

You must think that you are the only one who is such a tease but you’re wrong. Felix teases you quite often mostly to direct your attention towards him or to keep your attention on him. He’s quite greedy when it comes to you and your hands on his body. Unbuttoning unnecessary amount of buttons on his shirt to show a little skin that he knows you’ll notice. Playing with his necklace placing the chain between his lips dragging it towards the inside of his bottom lip teasing the metallic charm with the tip of his tongue. He definitely ain’t oblivious he knows exactly what he’s doing and he makes sure that you know exactly what he’s doing.

When he’s in the mood he will tug the hem of your top meanwhile his eyes are glued to the floor or graze the temples of his glasses between his lips, his teeth lightly nibbling the pointy edge. He loves to play dumb too. When you question him, he acts like he doesn’t intend anything and that you need to get your head out of the gutter.

At the end of the session Felix looks divine. Drool leaking down from his bottom lip to his jaw line towards his neck, his bangs sticking on his sweat coated forehead, his chest rising up and down quickly. His eyes rolled at the back of his head, his hands still clutching tightly to the sheets. Faint whimpers and deep breaths filling the air.

Leading up to the after care, his shy self returns. He buries his face to your chest hiding his blushy cheeks beneath the palms of his hands.

He likes to experiment a lot and you are his favorite subject.

It shouldn’t be surprising to find random kink definitions or role-play ideas on the search history of your laptop. After all Felix just asked for it to write an email, that’s all there is to it. That’s until you offer to try them out.

He doesn’t act upon his jealousy, what he does instead is that leaving marks on you especially around your neck and your chest where he knows it will show. Don’t cover them up if you don’t wanna deal with him.

“People just don’t appreciate art anymore.” “Felix these are, hickeys.” “Oh so now you are judging my art medium ?” “Since when proving Sage that I got railed by you is a form of art ?”

I didn’t see anyone point this out but whenever he is in the sub space he tends to be more on the bratty side. He starts of shy but his confidence builds up as the tension rises. Meaning that you should be ready to get your patience tested.

When you two are in separate places your suggestive words and tone leads up to phone sex, which Felix secretly fantasized about a lot. What made everything even more dirty was the fact that you didn’t know that he was laying on your bed surrounded by your scent and humping your pillow. Once you come back home you are greeted with a fresh pair of sheets on your bed. Apparently Felix decided to do you a favor and clean your room as well as the the whole house. He’s crossing fingers that you don’t notice because he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it.

Felix knows a lot about sex but his knowledge is based upon fiction rather than experience. So, naturally, he is more interested about learning specifically how your body responds to certain actions, what you enjoy and what you’re interested in so teach him. He’s a good student and oh well he’s a quick learner.

Pull his hair pull his hair put his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair.

When he settles between your legs as he ties his hair, he places the hairband between his lips and looks up at you with half lidded eyes. It’s his definition of torture.

Even though he doesn’t give off that vibe, he is very freaky if you would’ve known what his AO3 tags consisted of you would agree.

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